#i cannot and will not blame people for needing to vent and complain; but it felt like thats ALL they did. even about things they enjoyed.

[spiderh0rse]

shephard's mind notes part 4, e16-20

e16

fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads~

thinks the Spore Launcher is an alien from Alien

guilted into picking it up anyways. Baby talks it

"This is my weird squid slime spitting alien gun thing. There are many like it. But this one is mine."

essentially starts treating it like a pet that doubles as heavy weaponry.

sees a floating light and thinks it's Tinkerbell. Will o' the wisps would have him MADE

cannot enter the lab without a labcoat. He tries. Doesn't work.

the hologram is basically an answering machine, huh. Adrian fiddles with it and plays around

doesn't want to call the Barnacles Barnacles

pronounces "parasitic" with a long first "i"

knows a mild amount about barnacles

wants a grappling hook.

Realizes he needs the barnacle. Unenthused.

chastises the barnacle for being a messy eater

picks up on it not liking dead things. Calls it picky.

could be batman! or spiderman! not Indiana Jones though.

thinks if a barnacle ate another barnacle it'd make a black hole. Wants to try that some time.

Slur count: six.

Thinks he's going to get a SECOND Sparky. But no it attacks him.

Is processing alien blood as equivalent to human blood.

names the Spore Launcher Gill!

freaks the fuck out at the Tentacle. May be about as panicked as he ever gets

thinks all this bullshit must be karma for a past life.

"it is really hard to aim with an alien mouth."

seems to enjoy riding the barnacle's path

poorly convinces himself that some dying guy will be fine without him

thinks he can get some tunes off a radio. Gets orders instead

cramped vent :( gets stuck. Calls time-out. He's in a compromising position right now

e17

manuevering his way out of the vent. Falls!

gets NASTY shit all over him and maybe in his mouth

Colleague.

threatens gman. Apparently knew him from some base inspection back at base

thinks Gman may have been a spy for the aliens

DND nerd >:)

concludes gman is just messing with him. Says this fondly

knows almost all these dead HECU by name and is Bothered.

freaks out a bit about the Pit Worm

wishes he'd been deployed to Afghanistan. Blames Obama for his being here

he HATES BUGS.

"nobody likes centipedes" wrong. I do

misses human on human violence

guessing idle at aliens hating technology or doors or both. Compares them to Amish people

baseball,,,

he HATES steam!

the laser doesn't hurt as much as he expected it to

hates the Pit Worm noises. Yells at it to go back to Dune

"okay running now running now lasers are bad and so are giant centipedes"

upset that he's the only one alive. doesnt want to do things alone and having every companion he takes die looks bad

familiar with Star Wars

can't think of last words before he gets crushed into a tiny cube

"the only way this could possibly be worse is if youtube cut off the end of my sentence." not cut off!

e18

pretty sure this (bug) is the worst thing thats ever happened

HATES slightly overcooked pancakes. recounts an event that has clearly happened to him multiple times

gets his leg caught in the metal grate

gets so mad he breaks it

"that water looks deep enough to break my fall" it's opaque. Shephard it's opaque

touched some mushy thing at the bottom of the water,,,

always wanted to kick through glass

seems to be having a completely shitty time staying afloat

"you know what? I really don't want to be here!" He says this so GENUINELY wow

calls some corpses slackers

complains that the laser hurts

lampshades how much ammo he's able to carry. More than should be feasible for any one human being!

anticipates being paid millions by the military for killing the Pit Worm

thinks the Worm would be cooler as a cricket

screams that he should've been a tradesperson

"uncomplicated shit made complicated"

calls himself a "good little marine" it's kinda cute of him

witnesses the Worm's remains. "That's the power of Oxy-Clean!"

only wearing the gas mask because of the night vision goggles

feeling kinda down :( trying out the stolen antidepressants

four capsule type of day

struggles with the safety cap

his mouth is so dry :(

correctly assumes scientists are sneaking in their narcotics

oh yeah yeah should mention he's read the label on the plastic bag holding the pills. inside of the plastic bottle. It's Gordon's oxycodone! And Adrian just took four!

he's on a ten minute time limit until it kicks in now! Go go go!

could use more practice with his mp5

irritated by the Gene Worm's lights

proclaims this ladder is the best one he's ever climbed. wants to stay here climbing it forever. wants to hug the person who built this ladder

e19

think the ladder is asking him to take his clothes off

confirms the black ops are after him

hes never been so quickly plagsrized in his life

enough of this childish nonsense! Pokemon reference!

does a very bad bugs bunny impression

familiar with medical shows

thinks the electrified corpses smell like hot dogs

shot twice by a .50 cal...

WILHELM SCREAM

starts talking to other inanimate objects for a moment

"I'm everywhere."

he's fighting a bunch of Californians! Not too bad

pissy about some private giving orders "can I be in charge for a little bit?"

SNIPER RIFLE POG

oh the oxy is kicking in

sings about walking on a box

super giggly right now

has lost the bullet button just keeps launching grenades

his arms are SHAKY now

talks about getting his dead pals a funeral. He won't cry he'll get. A cat

fullnames himself!

he needs a map. One that's easy to read. Wonders if they sell that

"hey, you're an ass... dick"

can't find his grenades!

NEW COOLER LADDER

falls off. Laughs it off

e20

humming some song! doesn't know what he's doing right now

got up too fast :(

starts talking to some corpse. sticks his hand inside the bones.

took a remote detonater out of the corpse. Laughs at it having eaten a button

presses the button explosions happen and he is Worried wants to undo

he is faster than a FIRE TRUCK

he's NOT a police-fire-doctor

accidentally teleports to Xen.

likes xens colours!

tips over and falls into the healing water.

wakes up clear-headed! freaks out at a TENTACLE MONSTER in front of him and shoots it

promptly reprimands himself for that. It was just drinking.

Adrian remembers basically nothing from when he was high

the sights on his rifle are BLURRY

went spelunking at 13. Except it wasn't a cave it's the spot under the bridge gangs hang out

theorizes the pit drone stingers are like bee stingers

thinks opening a door will release hundreds of tons of water. tries to open it

he is Missing his teleporter gun. Interrogates his pets about it. They claim innocence

"oh, sweet black forest fuck-cakes!"

does not want to go through the dark and dirty tunnel

he is just listing actors right now

this is his LEAST favorite tunnel in black mesa

[lemonthepotato]

HELP WITH ENNEAGRAM

I was originally gonna post this on r/enneagram but changed my mind. Please help if you can. <3

Expressing yourself through song lyrics sure is cringy and edgy. Glad I didn’t do that this post. Also, yes, this post will be long asf too. Sorry, but I’m bad at compressing things. If you don’t want to read it, don’t. Go on. Do something else. I don’t blame you lol. I understand if you don’t want to read allathat. Idk I’ll prolly delete this. Maybe.

Some of this borders on yapping but I cut a lot of irrelevant shit.

Haha… 69. I’m just saying, a part of me really wants my tritype to be 69X. It would be funny. Sorry, I’ll grow up. One day. Also, here’s a cringy little slideshow. Hope you like it.

SO. The consensus last time was that I was either a 6 or a 9, so while I’m skeptical, I went to research the differences. Starting with RHETI.

Before you say “look at core motives” isn’t the whole point of core motives that they’re subconscious? I don’t think it would help.

(Yes, I’m serious about using RHETI. Sorry, it’s convenient.)

“These types are actually frequently mistyped. Sixes and Nines are both concerned with security and with maintaining some kind of status quo situation.” Uh, no, I hate the status quo. And I’m not sure what security even means. I mean, yeah, negative change makes me upset, but positive change is good. And my life is so boring that I assure you, the status quo is not what I am interested in maintaining. I need a change. I’m constantly striving towards a better, more action-filled life.

“They are both family-oriented, and both tend to take modest views of themselves.” Nope. I’m actually pretty anti-natalist, and have no interest in ‘starting a family.’ My mortality is my burden to bear, not any hypothetical child’s. I don’t care for my family either, they’re all corrupt. And ‘modest’… maybe. I put on, and have for many years, a false bravado, but on the inside, I think I am kinda modest? I’ve always been told my writing is amazing, but truthfully, I don’t think it’s very good compared to other authors. I think I have a bad-okay singing voice, better than some other people. My art is bad. I think I know my skills. People praised my baking, but I thought it was just meh. I always think people are lying when they compliment me, which isn’t often.

“In short, Nines like to remain easy-going and unflappable. Nines work steadily at their tasks, but show little sign of being upset by the day's ups and downs. Sixes, on the other hand, cannot easily disguise their feelings. They get more easily worked-up and rattled by mishaps.” Well I definitely lean six there. I mean, I can disguise my feelings easily, except my anger. It’s the only emotion I can’t hide, and I’m easy to piss off.

“While Nines can remain silent within their own inner peace, Sixes need to vent with others periodically to discharge their fears and doubts.” Leaning six there, but if I feel rejected then I don’t vent. The closest recently was when I complained in a gc about low-content authors saturating the market on KDP. I tend to take a very strong stance when stating an opinion, and I may or may not have said “I want them to shove their year planners up” andddd you can guess the rest. From an objective standpoint, I know there’s not much wrong with making low content books… my problem should more be focused on bots stealing from authors, but I just, I guess exaggerate my anger?

“Sixes are more obviously nervous and defensive when they believe there are problems. Nines remain strangely bland in the face of problems, although beneath the pleasant surface of average Nines, there is stubborn resistance and an unwillingness to be upset or troubled by conflicts or problems.” Lean six there. If someone pisses me off, I’m not gonna reject my emotions.

“tend to be suspicious of unknown people and situations–they need to test people before they let them get close. Nines may be protected by the disengagement of their attention, but they tend to be trusting of others–almost to a fault.” Nope, always been more six there.

“Of course, under stress, when moving in their Direction of Disintegration, Nines will begin to act out some of the behaviors of average Sixes, and for this reason, some Nines will mistype themselves as Sixes. But such periods of overt anxiety generally do not last long. As soon as possible, Nines revert to their more easy going approach to things.” Well… I don’t know. I mean, I’ve always been very reactive and angry.

Subtypes:

Sx6: Okay so, denying fear is a 50/50. If someone intimates me, I usually will fight back, but sometimes if they break me too much, I’ll break down. I definitely feel “you’re only as strong as you think you are.” But I don’t want to give off the idea that I’m strong physically, only emotionally. I’ve always been seen as weak, and to a degree, I want to give off that weak, broken, lonely persona so I can be saved, or at the very least, used by someone drawn to that kind of person. Because… I am kinda weak. And I don’t mind being used, because from experience, even though being used has always sucked, I’ve never felt lonely by them. I can relate to being stubborn. I view everything as a challenge.

“These characters walk around with the idea that anyone can become dangerous, so they do everything they can to not feel cheated, manipulated, taken advantage of, or attacked.” Yeah, maybe more so nowadays. When I’m out of the house, I’m constantly wary of people.

“Despite being aggressive as part of their effort to intimidate through strength, Sx Sixes tend not to acknowledge their aggressive side and may not be aware of it-or at least of the intensity of it.” Nah, I’m pretty aggressive and aware of it. I don’t think it was always that way.

“They also tend to separate their emotions: aggression is disconnected from fear, and sex is disconnected from feelings of love and intimacy.” Eh? Maybe? Not really tbh.

“They may have the illusion that they are spontaneous, but they tend not to be.” …Is this true for me? Idk, maybe.

“Sx Sixes tend to be very contrarian.”

Very true for me honestly. Sometimes I’ll argue even when I agree with people.

Sp6:

“They also have difficulty in looking at things as black and white, as they can see multiple shades of gray in between everything.” Depends.

“Seeing themselves as constantly at fault, they also feel persecuted: they project their internal persecution externally. It is a form of paranoid thinking which incurs the following: other people are always ready to catch your faults, attack you, and criticize you, and if they do not, it is only because it is convenient for them to hide their intentions at the moment to ensure they punch down the line.” Oh 100%.

“Self-Preservation Sixes fear anger, aggression, provocation, and confrontation. Being afraid of other people's aggression means they can't let their own aggression out.” I mean yes, but no. I don’t immediately resort to anger if I know the person is a loose cannon, but at some point, I have to protect myself.

“As the most phobic of the three Sixes, the avoidant Self-Preservation subtype equates love with protection, and in looking for love they search for a source of security to compensate for an inner sense of insecurity. This Six wants to find a strong person to lean on, and they many be excessively friendly and giving as a way of preventing an attack from outside. In order to feel the strength they are lacking, the Self-Preservation Six attracts the affections or protection of somebody strong-the more forceful presence of another helps them to feel safer.” I mean yeah. I guess I’ve flipped between sp6 and sx6 behaviours my whole life. I feel like the only way to be liked is to either be completely aggressive or completely submissive. Those are the only versions of me that “exist.” I just can’t tell which is real.

So6: “Consciously or unconsciously, Social Sixes fear the disapproval of authorities and believe the way to be safe is to do the right thing as determined by an authority. And knowing what the right thing is means having clear rules that tell you how you should think and act.” Kinda. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be hard to trick me into joining a cult, that’s all really.

“Social Sixes have an intolerance of ambiguity. They fear ambivalence and have little tolerance of uncertainty, because to them, uncertainty equals anxiety. As a result, they have a love of precision and see things more in terms of black and white than gray.” Kinda.

I don’t fear making mistakes.

Sx9: “Sx Nines unconsciously express a need to be through another- to gain a sense of "being" they don't find inside themselves through fusion with somebody else.” Yeah, but it’s not unconscious… anymore.

“These Nines feel a sense of loneliness or abandonment that seems like it can only be filled by another person, whether or not they realize it consciously.” True.

“The problem inherent in this stance, of course, is that true union- a real relationship between two people - requires that both people stand on their own feet before coming to meet each other.” Oh see, that kinda gave me a chill… no. I don’t want to be alone, ever. I don’t think I can be alone. I don’t like it.

“Sx Nines tend to be very kind, gentle, tender and sweet. They are the least assertive of the Nines.” 👎 nuh uh. I mean again, if it was in a context where I fully trusted someone then yeah but nuh uh.

“Sx Nines may also share central concerns with Type Twos in that they can lack a solid sense of self and then look to their important relationships as a way to find self-definition or a sense of identity. Twos differ from these Nines, however, in that they focus more attention on constructing an image. Twos also usually enjoy being the center of attention, while this is much less comfortable for Sx Nines.” I mean yeah, I love attention and always have, but no one in the last post suggested 2, so it’s unlikely I’m a 2. Maybe sp2, but still, I don’t think so. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe…

Sp9: Basically sx9 but if their partner was a potato chip. Also, I might be a black and white thinker considering my dad just said he was making breakfast or lunch and my first thought was ��well, it’s one or the other.” Sorry, not related.

Reading this is basically just how I acted from 2018-2021. Not a good time in my life. I don’t like being alone. I haven’t “resigned” myself to not finding love, my whole logic in those four years was “well, when I’m 18, I’m gonna work hard for the rest of my life, so I should enjoy these years before I can’t do it anymore.” which consisted of barely being able to leave the bed. So fun.

I mean no, I don’t use physical activity to create a self. Maybe through my work, but I don’t like slacking off, so maybe not.

Oh yeah, someone suggested I might be a 1 in the last post. The only 1 subtype I even closely relate to is the old version of sx1. Core type? Sure, to a degree. But idk. Most people said either 6 or 9 so I’m not sure. And 9w8 > 9w1 at that degree.

I don’t relate much to the core of 2. It’s more that I want to be looked after than looking after others. I feel the only way to serve others is to improve my appearance and serve them through giving myself to them. As for 3, I really related to a degree, but no one else agreed, and honestly, maybe you’re right. Not a 4, I’m nowhere near having enough of an identity to be a 4. 5 just makes no sense to me. 7 makes a lot of sense to me but I don’t relate to ignoring negative emotions. I’m not confident enough to be an 8. I guess that leaves me with 6 and 9, along with maybe 2 as an option. Maybe 3.

I think 9 is unlikely, honestly, so let’s narrow that to 6, 2 and 3. Definitely had a lot of sp2 behaviours as a kid. Lmao, I was gonna say “but honestly, I didn’t feel entitled cuz I did anything, just for existing” and that’s literally the next paragraph written about sp2. I’m not gonna fall into the trap of relating to subtype over core type, because I don’t really relate to the core type of 2. Maybe when I was younger. I remember when my parents argued, I would try and mediate things, because I didn’t like it, but I just got yelled at. I would also sometimes do things for others to get validation, but I don’t remember if it was a core trait.

Wanna hear a fun fact? Growing up, my mom fell for an MLM, so me and her went door to door shilling makeup products… yep, she used a little young innocent me who was acting very friendly to the people there, for some reason, to shill products. I don’t know why I was so friendly to those random people. To prove myself?

See I relate to 3, but no one agreed with that in the last post, so maybe not. I do relate to cultivating a persona and hiding negative traits. It’s why these posts are so hard to make. But, I’m not exactly GOOD at getting attention. I mean, growing up, I wasn’t very well liked even if I wanted to be popular. I’ve always wanted to be famous.

Six is complicated because I can relate to the core to a degree, but none of the subtypes, or 50/50 on each subtype. Nine is just… I don’t see much 9 in me.

Anyway, uhh, what else should I say? This post has dragged on long enough. If you want to read my other type me post, it’s like, the post before the last post on this account I think. It’s also very long.

Oh yeah, I had another brief friend that destroyed my trust by telling me to end my life by insulting me using insults based on the things I vented to him about. Hence once of the many reasons I have trust issues. That guy was very fucked up though. Tried stabbing his dad n shit. Pressured me into doing weird shit. Fucked shit man. Anyway. That’s all.

Ok, that’s all.

…I thought this would be shorter. Anyway, I guess if you have any questions/need elaboration, comment. Again I’m very sorry this post is long, I suck at compressing shit.

If the consensus is 9 again, then I’ll just accept that I was in ~DeNile.~ 😅 I just don’t think I’m calm enough.

Idk I’ll probably delete this post. It’s just- I’ve tried figuring it out on my own and it’s very difficult.

Edit: This post is old (5 months old) and I doubt I’m a 9. I was torn between 3 and 6 when I wrote this, then I got torn between 4 and 6. 4 and 6 have been the most consistent parts of my typing, so I settled on 4. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a 5 due to this but I have a very strange relationship with type 5? It was the type I questioned the least except for 8, and like, I never had any valid reason to deny it other than not ‘feeling’ like a five and the only type I considered was sx5 very briefly. I could go more in depth but 9 is very unlikely now. Also I don’t use wings anymore, at least the way people use em.)

[verdantmeadows]

Vent post

I am sooooo not happy rn. My sister and her boyfriend have been complaining about how bad one of the dogs smells and we can't use the shower he normally uses for baths because the bathroom is locked because it's my mom's bathroom because she's on vacation and we can't give him a bath in the other bathroom because it's too hard for him to get in the tub for his joints and so I sprayed him with dry shampoo and then they both left the room and her boyfriend got upset at me for like. Not having the foresight that the shampoo would make the whole room smell like it. Or that he doesn't like how it smells. When I was just Trying to make BOTH of them happy. And my partner was napping and promised me they'd get up because I am having a stressful day and then they got up and needed to sleep right afterwards and like I want them to sleep I want them to get enough sleep but it still sucks because I thought I'd get to be there with them or do stuff with them and I wanted to do stuff with them this evening/night and now they are asleep AGAIN and I hate having BPD because like emotionally I feel soooo upset at them but logically I know that I am happy to have them sleep and get enough sleep but emotionally I am soooo peeved because they promised they'd get up and I get so paranoid about loopholes in promises and tried to get over it this time by not checking with them about loopholes with the promise but no a loophole was used and they are not staying up. And I do not blame them they need more sleep than they realized but still I am YEYARGIHERHDG. And I have other people who are there for me! But my partner is my FP (a term for those who have BPD) so they are the only person I am really able to consistently talk to when I am stressed or freaking out or when I just need someone and they're who I rely on and they rely on me and we both have a system that works well because we both have BPD and understand how that works. But overall I'm just YEAARGHRHG. I'm so upset. My evening/night is going awful and I've been stressed all day and sometimes I think I should just try to die than continue because I genuinely cannot imagine continuing to live in this hellhole of a country without being murdered or getting enough money to live or living with my partner but if I moved away I would have to make sure I spoke the language of the country and that I'd have access to HRT neither of which I'm sure would happen

[inkoherentbabeler]

uhhggg... I want to post, be happy, talk with people, genuinely express myself and all the sorts... but fuck me, nobody I live with is even open to the idea of commmunicating openly.

(after the rant post) hehehoo, I am drained from letting my emotions run wild... I don't particularly care if anyone reads this, it's all deeply personal but I just needed to scream it all out into the void of the internet.

Rather disjointed thoughts strung together.

WARNING: TACTICAL RANT POST inbound...

My mom literally went out of her way to make our weekly grocery trip shorter because I expressed that I didn't enjoy her telling me off for assuming (a human function I was taught to do to seem normal) she would get premade pizza dough (like she has for my whole existence) when I wanted to make pizza instead of making my own dough (which I have done before after SAYING I wanted to). She admitted to ASSUMING I wanted to make my own dough because "you like to play around in the kitchen"

SO FUCKING CONDESCENDING!!!

THEN! THEN!!!!! my STEP FATHER decides to speak for me after I make perogies from SCRATCH (was walking around the kitchen for ~4 hours) and ended up with my brats being RAW in the middle. My grandfather (who I don't mind, but am awkward around because he blatantly supports people and things that don't like me very much) was commenting through the afternoon and evening on my cooking and politics. After my step father (who mind you has made no effort to bond with me in the 14 years he has been in my life until now when he complains to my mom that he doesn't feel like I like him very much and he wants to come to the bookstore with us... and when he did he didn't add anything, in fact he made it more stressful by dragging me into the spirit halloween) awkwardly kept commenting that "it's okay to mess up" and "you're still learning" and all that bull shit that he says to try to seem wiser, my grandfather walks through the kitchen and comments about how smokey it was (burnt the brats while cooking them) and this cunt has the audacity to speak for me and say "it's all a part of the learning curve pops" and i cannot help myself but hunch over the stove clenching my fists stopping myself from bursting out to avoid another situation because these people hate when I am calm and I tell them how I feel.

do they have no awareness? for the past 3 and a half years I have sung the praises of speaking with eachother and communicating feelings, my therapist a year ago fully agreed with me and told me to do what I had done in the past, calmly bring up the points of contention (and while me 5-6 ish years ago wasn't so elegant and kept the blame on specific people I haven't done that recently) but still, my family cannot stand being confronted with the fact that they are not perfect, even if they claim they aren't. I haven't even brought up the heavy hitting stuff that made me denounce them when they pinned me down and tore my only friends away from me (literally, had a group chat of friends on my phone and because my rp bio had "girlfriend: taken" in it I was pinned down on the ground and was searched for my phone... love knowing the fact my mom was almost an FBI agent until she got pregnant with me :) ).

i'm going to keep venting, i've been at the breaking point for a few days now and I need it.

The fact that I am what stopped my mom from pursuing the life she wanted to live has done numbers for my self confidence. being told that "you look just like your father when you get mad" makes me ask why I wasn't fucking aborted or put up for adoption. That gets into the territory of darker thoughts that I don't want to go down.

Recently the thoughts that I should have killed myself are surfacing again because now I can't let myself do it, I recognize the value of my life and it makes me sick that I am such an ambitious person for wanting to save someone's life. That is my goal in life, even if it means just adopting a kid and giving them a good life. Hell I fucking was so delusional one day that I imagined a future like that and I had to slap myself upside the head because I have no right to fantasize like that.

I have also recently come to terms with my relationship with religion. I don't particularly have any faith in 1 god, or religion, but I know that I do not have any place in any sort of paradise. I am a betrayer, out of cowardice I ran away and after attempting to run back to the person I can confidently say I loved and still hold feelings for, I even messaged them multiple times without a response before running away the next day, being unable to bring myself to face absolution. The way I speak of them in my head is almost reminiscent of a knight would his charge, I am a deranged fool.

I have come to realize while writing all of this, I crave so much more while saying I don't deserve shit.

I haven't been able to joke around with friends for years, whenever a dirty joke pops into my head I can't just say it I have to trap myself in the corner of my room and giggle to myself as I develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like parasocial relationships. I haven't made a new friend since the beginning of highschool and I got my ged last year.

and of course when I had a group chat of people I actually conversed with during the summer, we all fell apart after 2 of us left the group chat. tldr we were all doing a group rp scenario (first one in years i was interested in and had the confidence to partake in while I was away from home at work).

I miss working... election season makes it so hard to get good work and the places I want to apply is hours away from home.

ANOTHER THING I REMEMBERED THAT MAKES ME MAD!!! My parents are all like "well we didn't get gifted a car for our birthdays when we were your age" but aren't your jobs as parents to make your children's lives better than yours? They've known I've wanted a motorcycle for YEARS and my grandfather has had an extra (not too heavy) motorcycle since before i was born. I now have the money saved up to potentially buy that motorcycle and make it my own, but the thought still counts.

I think I don't deserve the title of a "self made" man, (I don't even think of myself as exclusively a man) but I think I deserve the title of "Independent" because my parents have refused to play a positive part in my life.

In the tale of my life they are not going to be major roles for more than 3 chapters. Not that my life will be a tale of any renown, but the thought still counts...

I so strongly desire to love and be loved, so I hide this sentiment in the bowls of this post so that one day someone may know my desire.

tomorrow i vote for the first time in my life. i wish i was able to drive already so i can do this alone. it would provide me so much clear mindedness. i am going to dress up a bit so I can feel like me when i do it.

god, how i want to just let Koda know how much I still love them. I need to get out of this damnable house so I can cry to them asking for not forgiveness but a chance to get to know them again. I think it's been around 4 years since i ran away from them, and 6 since we met. I need to at least know that they are alive and well.

[wordsmith-storyweaver]

Okay, so first, I want to say that this is a highly complex situation from the sounds of it- so there's no right of wrong answer here, in my opinion.

Being frustrated, angry, or upset with your friend is a perfectly normal reaction when they seek out your help or advice repeatedly and then reject it; however, it IS their life and they are the only one who can and should make their choices. At the end of the day, you can only control your own actions, and the same applies to them. One of the most important things that I learned from years of therapy is also important here: a person has to 1) admit that they have or might have a problem/condition/disorder to themselves, and 2) be willing to seek out help on their own. And from the sounds of it, your friend might be having difficulty with both- because simply saying to YOU that they think they might be autistic is not the same as genuinely admitting and accepting this about themselves.

So, are you the asshole for being human, and having normal human emotions regarding the situation? No. It admirable that you have been trying to help them, especially being vulnerable enough to offer them personal insights into your own condition and struggles. But you also need to accept that not everyone who you want to help is going to be willing or able to accept that help- that's just a reality of life and interacting with other human beings.

Another truth that I have learned is that some people are afraid of truly getting help, because that means making changes. Even if we are miserable in our current circumstances, they are still KNOWN struggles; it's easier and less scary to deal with the physical and emotional demons we know than to risk confronting new ones... it's more comfortable because they are known. Getting help or seeking treatment means going into the unknown, means not being able to so easily blame others or our situation for our pain, rather than our own actions and choices. Because while some things are beyond our control- like having a mental illness- acting on these realities (or not) IS.

Given your own struggles and frustration, my advice is that you sit down with your friend and be honest. Tell them that it's not that you don't care about them (quite the opposite, from the sound of things), but that your own mental health and well-being is being effected by their inaction and rejection of your advice- reassure them that you respect their right to make their own decisions, but that it is becoming emotionally upsetting for you to always be the person they turn to in order to vent. Or, let them know that you are willing to listen, but that you will no longer be sharing your opinion on what they should do (because everyone needs to vent/complain sometimes). Everyone also had topics that they want to avoid, or opinions that clash, and sometimes the best thing to do for the friendship is to avoid the topic altogether or agree to disagree (and move on).

I cannot guarantee that this won't upset or anger your friend, but they've already placed you in an uncomfortable position with their behavior and attitude. And, at the end of the day, you need to take care of your own mental health and emotional well-being in order to live your best life.

would i be the asshole if i told my friend that their refusal to stand up for themself makes me not want to bother trying to help anymore?

this has kind of been a problem for a while and im honestly starting to wonder if our friendship is worth it. my friend has a lot of problems, from undiagnosed mental issues, to family problems, to teachers just being unnecessarily dicks to them, and every time i try to help them find a solution they refuse to try, because "they'll just suffer through it like usual". it makes the idea of trying to help them with things miserable to me if im being honest and i feel really guilty about that but its true. every time i bring up that they should tell their guidance teacher that they may be autistic, and that they'd benefit from additional support in school, they refuse, always saying things like "its not worth the trouble" or "you have a diagnosis and they barely give you support". its the same with everything. the second theres a problem they just decide to live with it and not even try to make it better and it sucks. like i love being their friend, they're a great person and we've been friends for years, but i get really upset thinking of whatever the next problem might be. it feels like they dont want a solution most times, they just want cheered up and to forget about it until the next time the problem rears its ugly head. they need to fix some of these problems and for some they'd be far easier to fix before they leave high school in 1-2 years, but they just refuse to do anything, or to say anything to someone who can do something substantial, or to take any of the advice or help i offer. but im worried that if i tell them any of this they might get angry at me because of it. would i be the asshole if i told them?

TLDR my friend has a lot of problems that they refuse to do anything about and its starting to make the thought of helping them feel like a chore.

What are these acronyms?

[theanimeview]

Paradise Kiss – Bad Romance Done Right

Source: Ai Yazawa, Paradise Kiss: 20th Anniversary Edition

By: Beata Garrett | @zhongxia246

Oh boy, Ai Yazawa has done it again. I’m always fascinated by how Yazawa depicts relationships and the incredibly messy emotional entanglements and issues her couples go through. I read the Paradise Kiss: 20th Anniversary Omnibus Edition, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while, and it did not disappoint on this end. Of course, the messy couple at the forefront of this manga is George and Yukari, but Arashi and Miwako have a rather messy and unhealthy relationship themselves.

Paradise Kiss follows Yukari, a high schooler who meets a group of fashion students that recruit her to be their model for an upcoming school contest. She’s reluctant at first but soon gets won over by the gang’s leader, George. George is charismatic, eccentric, and the two soon enter into a relationship. Although their physical attraction is great, their personalities cause many cracks to appear as they butt heads over almost everything. Paradise Kiss is also about searching for independence as an adolescent, walking your own path, and the bittersweet innocence of youth and romance.

Source: Stage 14, Paradise Kiss

Paradise Kiss is great because it deconstructs the idea of easy and true romance in multiple ways. George is presented as a prince but it’s made clear that he’s only providing a brief respite for Yukari’s problems (her dissatisfaction with her mother, school, etc.) by taking her away from them. He does it physically as we often see him picking her up and driving her in his car and actually invites her to live with him at one point when she runs away from home.

Source: Stage 23, Paradise Kiss

Emotionally, he also provides a respite but his own ambition and her role in them makes him less of a haven as time goes on. Honestly, it felt as if he was a brother or father at some points berating her for talking about her issues with him and both Yukari and the reader realize that he has an ideal woman whom Yukari just cannot be…let alone any other woman.

At one point, Yukari is venting to George about her turbulent relationship with her mother. George listens to her but doesn’t understand why Yukari is complaining about her mom. He tells Yukari, “Poor mom, having her daughter lie to her then say such hateful things about her […] Either you have to study because your parents are nagging you about it, or you blame me for manipulating you into not studying. Do you mean you have no free will?” (Stage 14, Paradise Kiss). He goes further and articulates that there’s a fundamental incompatibility between the two as they are now:

Source: Stage 14, Paradise Kiss

This was the moment that made me realize George and Yukari’s relationship was doomed. Yukari vents to George because that’s what she truly needs as a young girl who has no friends and a difficult home life: someone to lend her a sympathetic ear and to reassure her. However, George has no interest in being that person. He’s busy with his own goals and doesn’t have the patience to consider things from other people’s perspectives. I would argue that he lacks some sort of emotional intelligence as his bluntness betrays his inability to understand what his romantic partner needs.

Other characters who know George point this out. A fellow student named Kaori who recently came back from studying abroad tells him, “You’re fine as a friend, but not as a boyfriend” (Stage 45, Paradise Kiss). There are strong hints of attraction between the two and in many ways, Kaori represents George’s ideal, independent woman whom he greatly admires as an artist too. However, she notes that there can be nothing between them because even crying will lead to him being disappointed by her. His response shows that even George knows his ideal woman is a fantasy, but what does that mean for him and Yukari, then?

Source: Stage 45, Paradise Kiss

While it would be easy to villainize George and hail Yukari as the innocent, George is right at points. The most valuable advice he gives Yukari is nailing it into her head over and over that she has her own free will and agency to make choices about her life. While it can ring hollow at points as this is coming from a rich boy, it is true nonetheless.

Source: Stage 33, Paradise Kiss

There’s also a fascinating commentary on gender norms in dating and how it negatively affects a relationship. Yukari often waits for George to call her but after a week of not talking to each other, George tells her, “You never bothered to call me, either” (Stage 33, Paradise Kiss). Yukari’s instantly defensive and it emphasizes the tricky power dynamics in their relationship. In Yukari’s eyes, she’s always waiting for him while he remains undisturbed by her and her desire for him. And while it appears that way to her, the reader gets glimpses into how special Yukari is for him. But, and this is wonderful, that doesn’t mean they’re right for each other.

As Yukari begins her career in modeling, she has to make many decisions that set her against her mom’s wishes. It’s great to watch her grow with George as a motivating force but still feel that it truly is her making many of the decisions. As she gains independence in other aspects of her life, she begins reflecting on her relationship with George and what it truly means to her as a person and partner. Near the end of the manga, she realizes their relationship has exhausted her and that it can’t last:

Source: Stage 44, Paradise Kiss

This is where the bittersweet aspect comes in. Because, in the end, the two wisely decide to break up. Not just because their jobs are taking them to different places as George is moving to Paris while Yukari stays in Japan, but because they don’t fit together. At one point, Yukari wonders why they can’t make the relationship work when so many other people do it, and it’s made clear that neither of them are what the other needs. One of their friends remarks that George needs someone who will follow him and Yukari has never just done this despite wanting to fit his ideal. She’s a complex person who struggles to conform to what George wants but also to remain true to herself and fight against it. She grows in ways that challenges their relationship and is the person who has developed the most at the end of it.

Source: Stage 48, Paradise Kiss

The ending is one of my favorite manga endings. It’s a beautiful reminder that you can spend time with a person, appreciate that time, and leave with good memories. As George leaves for Paris, he gives Yukari a key to a storage room that has all the outfits he’s made over the years. George may not have fully expressed how much Yukari means to him in their goodbye, but this act says everything that needs to be said. While there was turmoil and the couple ultimately split up (with Yukari marrying someone else years later), their memories and feelings for one another remain in the clothing George gives to Yukari.

Paradise Kiss is not faultless, but I truly admire Yazawa’s ability to juggle such a difficult romantic relationship. George and Yukari are complicated individuals who brought out the best and the worst in one another over the course of their time together, but neither take the full blame. It’s very easy to write one person in the relationship as the villain and harder to do bad romance like Yazawa does it.

Paradise Kiss will always have a place in my heart and I highly recommend Yazawa’s other manga, NANA, for those interested in reading more of her work.

[kierancampire]

I'm sorry this is incredibly long, my anxiety about it all is quite severe as i am so scared they are going to choose to not continue my tenancy once December rolls around, to which i am truly fucked as i have literally nothing if that happens, so i am so scared of it but as stated, i feel being so persistent on this and risking that is worth standing up for myself and doing what i feel is right. So with all that said, i got an automatic response to say the person is out of office, but i just sent this Email to Swan, so no going back now:

I'm sorry if this is not the place to do this, i keep contacting Swan through the feedback form and hearing nothing, so i assume it doesn't work. Can i have this raised to a stage 3 please?

Again, i have had no apology from Swan for giving me the flat the state it was in, especially considering i was given it in Winter and when we had bad storms and all of that was going into my flat. The illnesses i had, the pain i was in, how cold i was, i don't see how any of that met Swans standards.

I still have not received a sincere apology for blaming me for causing the mould, i have been told sorry for "feeling" like the initial response blames me for the mould, and had it denied it does, but when the letter factually in writing states "... all the trickle vents were jammed closed, this was causing the mould." that says nothing about the walls, ceiling, or state of my windows causing it.

I also cannot count the amount of appointments i have had with Axis that have lead literally nowhere, or have lead to me just making other appointments because the current person can't/won't do anything until another issue is sorted. I booked an appointment for my mould wash a month in advance, to have that cancelled on me with no notice, even though i have been trying to get this issue sorted since January/February time. And now even recently, i had an appointment booked with a roofer and it was specifically stated multiple times it was a roofer, to be told a roofer had never been booked to see me. And now, again, when apparently the actual roofer comes over, he didn't do anything, and again, i have been told i need to book an appointment next week to have him over after i have already booked 2 appointments with him. And i have honestly had about 15+ people come and take photos of my mould, only the most recent one actually went to remove it, but couldn't, but then what were all the appointments before that? What have i spent months attempting? I could forgive these if they were individual incidents, but when i have had so many appointments like this over such a long space of time, again, i just don't see a quality of standard there.

Lastly, being honest in a way i maybe shouldn't be. As has been stated previously, i know i maintain my rent, my council tax, i try my best to maintain the property within my capable parameters, to my knowledge no neighbours have complained of me, but i am scared of complaining as i am scared of my tenancy not being continued. But this has taken such a severe toll on my mental health, my anxiety has been the worst it's been in a while, my insomnia has been the worst it's been in a while, I'm still currently trying to come out of a rather severe depression, something i haven't had happen in a while. All of this has purely been from the stress of trying to sort out these issues in my flat, these appointments, the communication issues, and the fact i have been unable to do a lot in my flat due to the state it was in and continues to be in, and also what i went through in Winter. And for me, the risk of what i feel could be a severe future problem is worth trying to be happy and comfortable.

Again, in all honesty, i am scared to say this and to be blunt due to any future repercussions, even though i believe i have done nothing wrong and am just trying to resolve pre-existing issues. But i have always responded to Swan/Axis, I've let you know if appointment times do not work for me, I've maintained being respectful to everyone, I've been friendly or at the very least civil to anyone I've spoken to, I've done as much as i can to maintain my flat and uphold Swans policies and procedures. But i do just constantly feel so disrespected from almost every contact i have had with Swan and Axis, and i know i am one of many tenants that you manage to you, but for me, this is my life, this is my home, and it's had such a heavy impact on me, and when there has been no acknowledgement and no sincere apology for that, it upsets me.

I know i could love living here, this flat is a beautiful flat, it felt good to be here initially, the things i have set up to decorate it are going to look great, and everyone who has seen this flat has loved it for the same reasons i fell in love with it, it could be such a wonderful property. But these issues are holding back its potential and that's what i just want resolved, i want to feel so proud to live here and to be eager to show it off, i want to tell people with pride that it's a Swan property, but i can't do any of that while these issues persist. So can i please have this raised to a stage 3 and can i please just get these things resolved?

I have checked this over a lot as i am scared people would make many alterations to this and my anxiety aboit this all is extremely severe, and i struggle with comunication, especially formal communication, as i never know what is correct to say. So i apologise in advance if anything has seemed too forward or aggressive, that is not my intentions. I truly was and still am so grateful for Swan to allow me to move into this property, and i would happily live here for an extended period of time if Swan agrees, but i do just want these issues resolved. Thank you for your time in reading this and i hope you have a good week.

[ichigokeks]

Hi, this is just me venting ! Please ignore it if you want !

Well I’ve seen several ppl blame mostly Mo for the current situation and it really annoys me. I’m not saying Mo is not guilty, but some ppl here seem to forget He Tian (I really do love him I swear) has acted like a fucking asshole several times now..actually he is part of the reason Mo lost his job, and overall lacks sensitivity. I’m not saying Mo shutting everyone out is okay..they are both ridiculous, but ppl only complaining over Mo being too prideful and stubborn, while saying He Tian is the only one reaching out is kind of a “wtf” moment. He Tian shoved a credit card into his face that’s pretty humiliating 😂 If it were me, I would have probably spat in his face. Anyway, You can’t criticize Mo and ignore He Tian handling situations so poorly (and it’s been accumulating for a while).

Again, Mo ain’t no saint, but they both are responsible for this mess. this fight is actually good, they both need to sort things out.

Thank you and have a great week ! ✨💖

Hi dear, it's okay to vent 😊

This will be a long answer with my interpretation and take on things

(if anyone wishes to comment please be sure to be respectful especially if you disagree with anyone's opinion)

I hardly check the tag bec of discourse like this. But I fully understand your feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and since we're reading someone else's story, we should be aware that everything we analyse and the conclusions we draw from that is an interpretation. I would never claim to know what Mo or He Tian really think or what Old Xian has planned for them.

We always get BOTH perspectives and stories but people seem to forget that He Tian and Mo respectively do NOT know the perspective of the other. He Tian doesn't know that Mo feels bad for lashing out at him. Mo doesn't know that He Tian is suffering, too, and deeply cares for him and is just really bad at communicating that.

That being said, Mo and He Tian are teenagers that carry burdens teenager should not have to carry. They are both heavily traumatised and it is reflected in their behaviour and interactions.

Yes, it is not okay to use trauma and mental issues as an excuse for everything but... they are teenagers. They are 15 years old! They are not in therapy, they are extremely lonely. They both do not have an adult in their life to whom they can turn to for guidance. (It seems that Mo doesn't want to bother his mother with anything because he feels like he would only cause her heartache and trouble...). So of course they are stubborn, mean, egoistical and proud. It is also part of their character - that might not have anything to do with their past trauma. Some people are stubborn. Some are very proud. That's how it is. I don't think anyone could judge them for that. Mo being poor does not in any way mean he cannot have pride.

He Tian suffers from fear of abandonment. So he latches onto Mo and often forces himself onto Mo with little understanding for Mo's need for privacy or alone-time. He doesn't understand that just because someone wants to be left alone it doesn't mean they will leave you or don't want anything to do with you ever again. He is scared Mo will leave him. He knows that Mo is in dire need of money and at the beginning of their "relationship" Mo only stuck around because He Tian paid him. It is a logical but obviously entirely unfitting and insensitive reaction to offer Mo money whenever Mo pushes He Tian away.

Mo has trust issues and low self-esteem. He is poor and has bad grades at school. He feels like a failure. I thought he knew by now that He Tian is in love with him but taking the latest chapter into account I think he doesn't understand that at all - because He Tian is really bad at expressing affection and general feelings. For Mo it seems like He Tian only pities him and treats him like some sort of charity project to make himself feel good.

So in short, I feel like they are both judged for being human. Are they acting ridiculous and stupid? Yes! But aren't we all like that when we're hurting and feel like no one understands us?

And, yes, I do sometimes feel like it goes too far and I cannot fully follow and understand why they react the way they do - but it is a fictional story after all...

[rose7420]

Use Your Words

A request from @lokiismyhubby

Summary: Loki feels down and Y/N decides she wants to help him out

Warnings: Selectively Mute reader

Y/N sat with Peter Parker, listening to him as he rambled on about his homework and complained about how much he had to do of it, instead of just doing it. Even though Peter could be kind of annoying sometimes Y/N loved to be near him. He was the only human so far that had proved to be worthy of her trust. He was a gentle giant and showed her tenderness and care when he provided her company. He even went out of his way to gather her food and certain supplies to help her out, erasing the risk of her being caught by another human.

Y/N knew Peter didn’t have to do all of these things but he still chose to and that made y/n feel good because she knew someone out there cared for her wellbeing. Out of impulse, she stepped up to Peter’s wrist that held a pencil and hugged it.

“Woah there… You good pipsqueak?” Peter said, raising an eyebrow in curiousness. Y/N nodded her head wordlessly. She didn’t like to speak much.

She had lost her parents at a young age and her kind called borrowers lived in small, distanced packs, making it hard to find people to share a life with. After she had lost everyone close to her there had been no reason to speak and communicate with others. Peter was the first person she had talked to in five years. When she first spoke to him her voice had been rough and she didn’t want to admit she had lost the confidence to actually speak. All of her memory of language had practically withered away in her head, making it hard to remember how to pronounce some words. Peter had only questioned once why she didn’t speak to him. He was worried she was frightened of him but she assured him that wasn’t the problem with an exaggeration of her hands and a written note. Peter hadn’t questioned her after that and only spoke to her with no expectations of her responding.

She released his wrist and smiled brightly up towards him.

“I’m glad you’re feeling good today. But I think something has made Loki feel bad these last weeks. Would you know why?” Peter asks, resting his head upon his hand to see her better. Y/n shakes her head.

“Well if you have any free time, you mind using those amazing spy skills for me? I’m worried about him, he won’t talk to me?” He patted her head with a finger.

Y/n nodded, anxious to see Loki for the first time. She had never come across the god since her arrival at the tower.

Y/n sat on a shelf in Loki’s room watching his daily life. He led a rather peaceful but boring routine. Reading late at night and early in the morning, practicing his impressive magical abilities, and occasionally eating a meal. Y/n was about to stand and leave, ready to tell Peter that he was probably sad because he did nothing during the day when the door opened. In Thor walked, one of the biggest people she’d ever seen, and that was saying something.

“Brother, why don’t you just leave this room? There are plenty of things to do.” Thor said to Loki.

“Leave so I can hear you all blabber on of how wretched of a person I am? My life may be spent in solitude but perhaps I like it like that.” Loki retorted snarkily.

“If you stay in here, your chances of being liked will increase no more. “Thor said stepping towards Loki.

“So you admit it? The mortals of this tower do not want me here.” Loki said, anger lashing his voice.

“I don’t blame them, brother. You’re wasting away in this existence you call a life. Mother would be disappointed.” Thor said, his voice going soft to lessen the blow at the end.

Despite Thor’s gentility, Loki still became furious.

“Get out,” Loki said with a scary calm. Thor respected his wishes and walked out. But Y/n stayed, thinking she had just found the reason for Loki’s sadness.

As the days went by Y/n hid well and listened to the others’ Avengers conversations. Most of them as she’d thought spoke terribly of Loki. Remorse became heavy in her heart and she vowed to make Loki feel better. Since Peter had been there for her she figured it was time for her to be there for someone else.

She crept onto Peter’s desk and broke the lead off the pencil quietly. She checked to make sure he was still asleep and began writing.

Dear Mr. Loki,

I am sorry you feel so bad. I know people can be mean but I think your feelings are valid. If it was me I wouldn’t want to hear about what people think of me either. But I think you are very kind and generous. I hope this helps.

-Your friend

Y/n set out the next night to give the letter to Loki. Her handwritten letter was strapped to her back, easily accessible to her reach. The floor was mute under her imperceptible footsteps. She climbed the towering, unstable wall of Loki’s silk, black bedsheets which was a hard task as the sheets slipped from her grip a couple of times sending her heart to beat out of her chest. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, she reached the top. Her breaths were heavy and she struggled to keep them quiet. Approaching Loki’s open, pale outstretched palm she retrieved the letter from behind her back. The paper was bigger than her upper half when folded together and heavy enough that she couldn’t place it upon his palm using only her arms to boost it to the surface. Which meant that she would have to climb into his hand.

Oh, how she wanted to turn around, climb down the bed and run to her safe, warm home inside the wall.

But she refused to give up when she had come so far.

And he needed someone to be there for him.

She delicately climbed into his palm, with the letter strapped to her back carefully placing her feet in non-ticklish places. One twitch of his hand would send her flying onto the covers, or worse off the bed itself. She shivered at the thought. Finding a good place to leave the letter she bends down.

Then a powerful, immense weight falls upon her sending darkness to coat her vision. She falls to her butt as vertigo hits.

“What are you doing?” A booming voice demands.

She trembles in fear, covering her head with her arms. I knew I should’ve just gone away. What will he do?

“I asked you a question?” The voice is angry. A light is turned on allowing her sight of her captor.

She dares to look up and is met with the rage of Loki Laufeyson. She shakes her head in reluctance to answer.

“What is this?” He roughly nudges her away from the note she holds in her arms causing her to fall onto her back with a squeak of fear. She holds onto the slip of paper for security but his strength overpowers hers greatly. His eyes squint in concentration as he reads the small handwriting.

“Did you write this?” He asks returning his focus upon her trembling form.

She nods hesitantly.

“Truly?”

Another nod.

“You don’t speak much do you Little Miss, do you?” He asks with a hint of a smile, his tone is much softer.

She shakes her head. Y/n clutches her arms across her chest, scooting back further from his face.

“Did I frighten you?” Loki suggests his eyes gentle voice guilty.

She nods, her eyes wide studying him for any ill intent.

“I apologize. I have a few trust issues. “

She says nothing and only stares at him with distrust.

“How did you know what the others were saying about me?” Loki asks raising her to meet his eyes. Even through her apprehension, she notices how beautiful they are. How his irises cannot seem to decide on a cool blue or a rainforest green.

She doesn’t try to answer his question, from the fear of speaking and the trepidation of angering him with her words.

“Okay, well I will wait until you’re ready to tell me. For now, I’ll let you go.” He stands up from his bed and releases her onto the hardwood floor. He stays crouched even as she slips off his long fingers. Taking a few cautious steps away from his looming form she is frankly surprised he is letting her go. She supposes that is a good sign. Maybe she will come back to him despite her previous scare.

“Don’t be a stranger.” His voice calls out almost wistfully.

Next week…

Y/n finds herself in a vent located in Loki’s room. This past week she’d felt guilty for leaving Loki in such a dreadful, sad state. So her final decision was to come back. She watched as Loki sat reading in an armchair on the other side of the room. He looked regal and imposing from far away, with his head bent down in concentration, long legs spread outward and she could only imagine how intimidating he must look up close. Her legs shook as she dropped to the floor below with no sound to alert Loki of her presence. Scurrying to his chair she stopped by his black boot. Even this simple apparel dwarfed her, able to serve as her sufficient sleeping quarters.

If you want to turn back now’s the time. She said to herself.

The enormous, unaware boot shifted closer to her and she let out a squeak, scampering back.

“It’s you again Little Miss.”

She craned her head all the way up and saw Loki staring down at her. His black hair hung down around his face. His hand reached for her and pinched her waist carefully, lifting her up to bring in front of his eyes. The pressure on her waist was gentle but still made her fearful.

She kicked her legs in search of a non-reachable floor. Loki noticed her apprehension and set her down in his other palm.

“Is that better?” He ducked his head down to meet her eye.

She nodded.

“Still not talking are we?” He asked.

She shook her head.

“Well, I suppose that’ll be fine. Would you care for me to read to you?” He asked kindly.

His offer was so kind and thoughtful. One that didn’t seem right for a simple nod in answer.

“Y-yes p-please.” She stumbled.

Loki grinned and set her upon his shoulder. She wasn’t sure what to do so high up and close to his person. Thankfully Loki caught onto this with his quick perception.

“Sit right here Little One.” He tapped right beside his neck and held still as she walked to the pointed area. Sitting down, she dared to lean a bit of her weight against his neck. She was instantly met with warmth and the gentle pounding of his pulse. When he started reading his smooth voice vibrated her minutely.

After a while, Y/n started becoming sleepy from the comfortableness of her position. Loki stopped reading.

“You know Little Miss, I think you have a lovely voice… perhaps you should use it more often.”

Y/n pondered these words in her sleepy mind.

Maybe she would heed his advice, but for now, she would sleep.

[whoistheasshole]

Why do I get yelled at when other people behave like dillweeds?

Anonymous asks: what to do when people vent their anger on me. is it because i am the quiet one in the family or maybe i am the easy target???? cause they did that to me instead of calling out the one who creates the problem

Hi there,

I am not sure if you mean „complain to me about other people/family members“ only or „lash out at me when they are angry at somebody else“ also. Therefore I will try to cover several bases.

Generally, venting can serve a social function where you go to a third party to blow off steam and come back to the original offender more level-headed and constructive. In this way it can be a healthy tool of de-escalation – instead of having a hot-headed debate and just riling each other up, you talk to somebody else to work through the problem and come back with some fresh ideas.

If you vent in this way, you will get a better understanding if you were overreacting or should stand your ground. It can be necessary support to hold firm when you are in fact right.

Of course, all this counts on the fact the everybody involved is a willing participant.

If somebody vents excessively, without the consent of the target or worst, blows up at somebody else because they cannot blow up at the original offender, the venter may still feel relief, but the ventee is drawing the short end of the social stick, so to speak.

It sounds like you are in the latter scenario.

As to the why – I don’t know where it originated, but there’s this story about the boss yelling at the male employee, the employee coming home and yelling at his wife, the wife yelling at the kid and the kid yelling at the dog. The dog then probably gets a stress ulcer and starts chewing up shoes. As this short, though heteronormative, image shows: Everybody is finding somebody else with less power to vent their anger that they are not able to direct back at the aggressor. In real life, it is not always that simple because human connections and power structures are complex (and not like a white US TV commercial from the 50s), but the general dynamic holds true: If people are not able or willing to re-create their equilibrium by fighting right back at the (verbal) attacker, they will find other means to do so. The means do not have to be interpersonal – a lot of people are internalizers and turn the stress inward, getting the aforementioned stress illnesses instead. Or they try to cope with the situation and turn to an advice column. Just as an example. But generally, if you have a group of people–friends, hobby groups, work, family–unwritten social dynamics will always be at play that direct, among other things, who dares talk back to whom, who will stand by and look, who will try to get out of the line of fire, who tends to get blamed and so forth.

Long story short: Through the unique mix of power structures and personalities in your family, you are where you are now. You identified that you would like it to change and need some ammunition to do so. Fortunately, I do have some strategies for you.

First: If there are no safety issues at play, direct is always best. That doesn’t mean spontaneous. You can rehearse what you want to say or talk through it with friends or alone in front of a mirror–rehearsal can be crucial. But it’s absolutely okay and within your power (again, if safe) to speak up about your boundaries and needs. Find a short script that feels right and appropriate for the situation and tell the venter. You might want different scripts for when they are ready to have their next feelings barf versus talking to them in a quiet minute to re-set the dynamic. E.g. „Hey X, I realize Y topic is weighing heavily on you right now, but I’m kind of at my limit talking it through, so I’d like to focus on other topics. I hope you work it out!“

The last part is your friend, by the way, redirecting them to action. It can be used beautifully with incorrigible venters to make it very boring/unhelpful to talk to you. You have to be persistent though, these kind of dynamics are not changed in a day.

„That sounds tough, well I hope you work it out!“ / „Oh. What are you going to do about it?“ / „I see. What do you plan on doing now?“ / „I see that you are quite upset right now so I will give you some space. Feel better!“ and move away. (Read the last one from a Captain Akward commenter and I am still in love.)

What you want to do is:

1) Make it boring. Ever heard that active listening is important? Not here. Here you want to be the least enthused and most unhelpful listener that has ever graced the earth. Short words are your friend, said in a completely neutral tone: „Oh.“ / „I see.“ / „Hu.“ / „Hm.“ If you need some more pointers, look up „Grey rock method“. Fiddle with your phone, get up to do the laundry, have something at the ready that you need to start doing now which means you need to move physically away/make some loud noise. Potentially something that the other person approves of, or at least has no good reason to argue back against. „That sounds tough. I wish I could help, but I really need to get started on my applications. Catch you later!“

2) Never under any circumstances offer your opinion on the situation and especially not on what the other person should do. They might try to make you solve their problems or alternatively, shoot everything down that you suggest, which is also frustrating. If you have the urge to say something or are unsure how to continue the conversation without saying what you think, try silence. Few things are more effective in a conversation than silence. Maybe a small „Hmm“ or other thinking noises, if you must. If asked directly, you can also use „That’s a tough one, no idea off the top of my head.“ / „Honestly, I don’t know. What do you think?“ / „Beats me.“ You can say it sympathetically and remorsefully, but the more monosyllabic and flat you can be, the better.

3) Redirect them to figure it out themselves. See above: „Oh. What are you going to do about it?“ / „I see. What do you plan on doing now?“ It doesn’t mean they ever will. They might actually leave in a huff, but that’s a success. We cannot make other people do things, we can only control what we do ourselves. And if Dr. Vent 3000 bothers somebody else next time, well, success. Some people will have the gall to say „Well, you are not very helpful today.“ Take it as a badge of honor, don’t try to convince them otherwise, you are the grey rock. „Yeah, I’m not creative today.“ / „I’m all out of ideas.“ *shrug*

Family dynamics can make this list of strategies a little less helpful because you are in close quarters more often (I assume) and you cannot avoid the offender as easily, therefore definitely weigh how direct you can be with the person. If you don’t expect serious repercussions, it’s fine to say „Hey, I’m not involved with this and don’t want to be.“ / „Sounds like you need to sort this out with X.“  /„I don’t want to be in the middle of this, please take it up with X.“ / „Frankly, I don’t enjoy these conversations. What about topic change?“ and the all time classics of telling them about other things you need to do now and leaving.

When people put us in a weird position, the anger we feel at the mistreatment can make us blind to the options that are actually at our disposal. It is possible that you can only use few things of what I suggested, but make sure to stop and make an inventory of things that you can do because they are in your power. Feeling stuck and powerless can be the worst thing about this kind of situation and the antidote is identifying what you can do.

P.S.: Don’t get drawn into the losing battle of making the original offender behave (the person who upset the venter). It doesn’t sound like you’re the parent/authority figure in this scenario, so all you need to do is treat people who deserve it kindly and state your own boundaries when they are crossed.

[huntsman-ash]

RWBY V8E2 LiveThoughts

And now, for episode 2; same deal as last time, spoilers for this weeks episode. 

RT getting a wee bit too real with the “curfew in effect” sign on the side of that building in the opening. Least here its a visible noticeable threat and not Corona. Still.

Oh, heh. “Hope has no place here.” Always did love that line. But that might just be the grimdark fan in me.

Overall Im not a huge fan of this seasons opening, it doesnt sound as melodic as the last couple ones. More...chaotic. I think thats intentionally but Im still not a fan.

Dude, Qrow, thats unsanitary. Seriously, clean that shit off. You’re gonna get like, tetnus or something.

And Robyn complaining to Qrow. I mean shes not WRONG but at the same time SHE was the one who decided to pass out during the crash. Dont go throwing blame around Hill, you were just as useless and dumb as everyone but Tyrian in that whole section of last season.

Correction, shes talking to Jasque Scnee who is SOMEHOW in the same prison as they are. Additional; hardlight cells with no visible emitters, no toilet or other commodities. This must be a holding cell of some kind. Unless the bed they all have is ALSO a toilet. Ew.

Yeah you sure about that Schnee? Indirect murder is still murder.

Whh...WATTS IS IN HERE TOO?! WHAT THE FUCK IRONWOOD. You dont have a maximum security like, ICEBOX lock up? Dude this is just ASKING for trouble.

Watt’s black eye is still there. Maybe there is something to him not having his aura fully unlocked. Or...something else. Im really confused about that.

Odd cell structure. Impromptu? Or is this whole room just modular. Cause its WAY too big to house just this many prisoners. Im getting the feeling this is impromtu, yeah.

Schnee thinks hes getting out, sucker. 

Mad props to the Atlas soldier for the brutality. NOW HIT HIM AGAIN.  Robyns smirk gives me life.

And Qrow suggests Operation Valkyrie. Im down. Ironwoods proven useless at this point, maybe his replacement will be more tactically viable.

Alright, Atlas has pulled all military forces out of Mantle. Guess that means Ash and CAMO would be out too. Officially anyway. Making note for future threads...

Cute about the news guy, but I LOVE the fact you can hear the former masculinity in May’s voice here, like she isnt fully finished transitioning. If its intentional, bravo. If not, still cool.

“Its time to show your teeth, Mantle.”  HELL FUCKING YES THATS THE KINDA SHIT IVE BEEN WANTING TO HEAR!

Ah and there’s the hoverbikes from the teasers. I really dont get why they’re so goddamn big. Surely you can miniatruize hovertech...right?

They’re big enough to have weapons installed IMO. They should have.

Ah okay here’s the rest of the trailer

Hey look more lesbians. Boy that one on the left is MAD.

I cannot believe these Grimm are dumb enough to not go AROUND the dropwall (and Im going to call it that until I get something else, its literally the equipment from Halo Infinite’s release trailer). I get Grimm are dumb but damn bro.

Ah okay, THATS the split. All the faunus live in the slums down in the crater. Mantle proper is the mid-level, and then Atlas is humans for the most part. As far as I can tell anyway. Literal stratification. 

Ugh, that whole conversation was so expositiony. Jesus fucking christ.

Holy shit this crews moving slow. Like, good fucking lord.

Personaly headcanon; that tiny fox toy Oscar rides past on his bike is later retreived by Ash. That is actually his bootprint on it too oddly enough.

Unity in this situation, Ozpin? Not likely. What you need is miltiary intervention and firepower.

Still not sure why there’s smokestacks in Mantle if everything on Remnant runs on Dust. Maybe its steam vents for the heating system.

So the Crater is literally a divide. Like a circular diamond mine or one of those “rabbit hole” gold ones. Literal wall holding its outside. 

Snowshoe Shipping. New company. Full autonomous workforce from the looks of it. SDC related of course. And its still running despite everything. The drones here are literally AKs. Motherfucker, I think I know where the idea for them came from. SDC literally just weaponized its fucking worker robots. 

And apperently Dust is refined in the Crater. Okay that makes sense. Does it come from outside or are they still mining it there I wonder.

Oh pnumatic elevator. STEALING THAT

“That isn’t relevant at the moment.” WAY TO DODGE THE QUESTION RT. YEAH BECAUSE THERES TOTALLY NOT OTHER COMPANIES OUT THERE RIGHT?

What the fuck happened to Penny? Did becoming the Maiden make her emo?

Lol yeah people are gonna die, its WAR Penny, eat shit and get over it. Fucking weaklings...

Your the maiden. Get over it. Go kill some people, you’ll feel better. Relish in power.

And Weiss is now dead from either pressure shock, thermobaric style lung implosion, forceful impact, or just being crushed flat. Oh, and asphyxiation.  Seriously that was the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. REALLY NORA.

Oh hey, a banjo in the crater. It really is hicksville.

Fire dust crystals right into a metal container to keep it  going. Holy shit it only took us 8 seasons to see Dust used physically again...

Sheep nom map. Nom nom. 

Wonder who this Crimson she mentioned is.

Lil hops. Oh no shes too cute.  Also it seems Mantle is divided into sectors. Useful information. Wonder what designates them.

Hahahah Fiona’s uncles a mole XD

And good to know “crap” is a swearword on Remnant.

Sounds like Crimson is a person with the Huntress’s. With his accent Im going to personally imagine his a grizzled former veteran, like Sergeant Stacker from Halo.

Note; the map says “Mantle City”. Interesting. Wonder what the other option is. Crater?

Ohhh and a spudmasher. Wait...no thats not a grenade. Some kind of gravitational surge thing. Again. Okay seriously RT is it so hard to just make a FUCKING WEAPON? Nothing fancy, no special features, just something that kills the fucking enemy. 

Okay...what the hell. Those Grimm cleared out like they got a retreat signal...

Ohho whats this now...this thing looks a LOT more interesting. And SAVAGE. Damn, its beating the SHIT out of Oscar! I think I like this one.

It transforms. Like the Zeta Gundam. FASCINATING. So it must have a rapid transport/assault form of the original dog one then changes to this new one for close in? Or carrying I guess, its stealing Oscar. This must be the thing that Salem sent.

Yeah kinda looks like a werewolf.

Soooo why were they just standing there watching this thing beat up on him? It was open for a couple of seconds. Surely it cant be they were worried about Oscar, the best thign to do if an enemy is grappling your friend is to get in and take advantage of it. 

Its smart too, used Oscar as a meatshield. Apperently just long enough to distract Yang and then yeet her. 

Its got ONE HAND with Oscar in it you idiots, hit it all at once! Go for the legs and the other arm, knock it down, blow its head off. COME ON, its OBVIOUS.

Oh hey it talked. Good. That means it can probably feel pain.

There is no way those legs should work like that. They’re too small and its torsos the wrong shape. This things breaking physics. 

The arms are also way too long.

Also why are you just standing there watching it grow wings? Kill the fucking thing already.  Gotta admit the movement and screaming makes me think it feels pain. Interesting. Good to know.  That or its just body horror/squick.

And thats the episode. I like how Fiona calls them “kids” though shes probably about their age. 

[theredneckoccultist]

88 Important Truths I Have Learned About Life

Everyone gets drilled with certain lessons in life. Sometimes it takes repeated demonstrations of a given law of life to really get it into your skull, and other times one powerful experience drives the point home once forever. Here are 88 things I’ve discovered about life, the world, and its inhabitants by this point in my short time on earth.

1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.

2. It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place.

3. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do.

4. The cheapest and most expensive models are usually both bad deals.

5. Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly.

6. Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.

7. Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.

8. If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.

9. Yelling always makes things worse.

10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.

11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.

12. You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.

13. If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.

14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.

15. Nobody has it all figured out.

16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.

17. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.

18. Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.

19. Ralph Waldo Emerson's works alone can teach you everything you need to know about living with grace and happiness.

20. People embellish everything, as a rule.

21. Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even moreso.

22. Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive. And we are.

23. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see.

24. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.

25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.

26. Credit card debt devours souls.

27. Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what's going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.

28. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.

29. A person who is unafraid to present a candid version of herself to the world is as rare as diamonds.

30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.

31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.

32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.

33. Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.

34. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.

35. Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own.

36. Knowledge is belief, nothing more.

37. Indulging your desires is not self-love.

38. What makes human beings different from animals is that animals can be themselves with ease.

39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.

40. Whoever you are, you will die. To know and understand that means you are alive.

41. Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible.

42. Getting truly organized can vastly improve anyone’s life.

43. Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes. But the wisdom is still in there.

44. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.

45. High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.

46. The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic.

47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.

48. Even if it costs no money, nothing is free if it takes time.

49. Emotions exist to make us strongly biased towards or against something. This hinders as often as it helps.

50. Addiction is a much greater problem in society than it’s made out to be. It’s present in every person in various forms, but usually we call it something else.

51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.

52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you, like it or not.

53. Everyone thinks they’re an above average driver.

54. The urge to punish others has much more to do with venting frustration than correcting behavior.

55. By default, people think far too much.

56. If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.

57. There is nothing worse than having no friends.

58. To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence.

59. Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.

60. Justice is a human invention which is in reality rarely achievable, but many will not hesitate to destroy lives demanding it.

61. Kids will usually understand exactly what you mean if you keep it to one or two short sentences.

62. Stuff that’s on sale usually has an annoying downside.

63. Casual swearing makes people sound dumb.

64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.

65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.

66. Most of what children learn from their parents isn't taught on purpose.

67. The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts.

68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.

69. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful as the experience of fearing them.

70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.

71. North Americans are generally terrible at accepting compliments and offers of help.

72. There are not enough women in positions of power. The world has suffered from this deficit for a long time.

73. When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.

74. A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.

75. You can’t hide a bad mood from people who know you well, but you can always be polite.

76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.

77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.

78. There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.

79. There is no correlation between the price of a brand of batteries and how long they last.

80. Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.

81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.

82. One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.

83. The fewer possessions you have, the more they do for you

84. Einstein was wiser than he was intelligent, and he was a genius.

85. When you’re sick of your own life, that’s a good time to pick up a book.

86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.

87. The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change.

88. Killing time is an atrocity. It’s priceless, and it never grows back.

[cantfeelmyfaceanymore]

Manipulations of an opportunist

This type of person will be charming and charismatic. They will be good with their words. They are typically a pathological liar and what this person is doing is looking for someone to exploit for their benefits. What they will do is look for a person with a special social status that they can use to their advantage. They look for a person with a good heart and that is a forgiving person. You are talking about someone that would admit their mistakes, that is someone that is taking responsibility for themselves and does not lack empathy. So what we are talking about here is a person that is wanting someone that is easily made feel guilty as a means to manipulate you into doing what they want. This type of person will be passive aggressive and will gaslight you. What they are looking for is someone that is able to see the good in people while this abuser is draining all of your energy from your mind and body. They are looking for someone with low self esteem in many cases or they will seek someone with higher levels of confidence as that is easier to mirror and take advantage of in ways that are indeed parasitic.

This type of person will use you for sex and not call you the next day. They believe in taking short cuts when they are available to do so. When you are talking about someone that would not respect you then this is it. They are wanting you to do everything while they do nothing for you. You will find yourself feeling pressured to agree to things that you might not have and if you are having anxiety or are fearful to tell this person no then you are dealing with gaslight. What this person is wanting to do is make you think that you owe them something for them only being around you. Have you ever had someone borrow money from you or constantly call you for rides but that is all they want? This person would use you as a second choice dirty secret. What they are doing is fucking someone else and then coming to you when it is easier for them to do so. This is someone that would not want you to know their friends and family.

They will hide you from other people and give you vague excuses about what their reasons are for this. In many cases what can happen is that you do not meet up with their social status for what they truly want and they are embarrassed by you and will see in their minds how other people would interpret you and when this becomes obvious to you if it ever does as they are good with lying about their reasons why they would isolate you like this. That is why. This type of person would fuck someone and then deny it to other people when they ask them about it. You will either not be enough in some fashion why they would want to treat you like a piece of ass and that is because you are one. A person that respects you would not treat another person this way. What they are wanting is the easiest way around having to do any real leg work or getting with someone that they actually want is not the option so they are making a use out of you as they see fit. What will happen is this person is more concerned about what other people will say about them if they knew about you so they are not trying to protect you but save their own social graces.

That is fucking ironic that someone would be concerned what other people would say about them but they are using a person like an object and make no mistake that you are not a person to someone that would do these things to you. A person with any dignity or self respect would not treat a person like this. So what you do is watch for how often you are hearing from this person and do they only take you to their house or places where they will not see someone else they know? Are you going to bars that would entertain a crowd that this person does not match with? Watch for them to make comments about what you are wearing or how you look or talk. This person will be watching everything you are doing like it is an interview. At first they will want to pay you a lot of attention and will flatter you to death with compliments and what they are doing to painting another picture from the demonic one that is actually who they are. You will see someone that was calling and texting a lot to suddenly you are hardly hearing from this person. They are seeing someone else already when this is going on and you are not entering the devaluation period where you are now not as important and this person has someone else that they do not want to know they were fucking with you.

This is part of the reasons why you are suddenly getting excuses and silent treatments from them. They will only speak to you as much as they have to and they will tell you anything so you are thinking that there is more going on between you in the future. You will hear about them having to work more hours or that they are going through some made up bullshit tragedy about their lives and what they are wanting to do is make you think that the reasons for this were not your fault but they take the blame for it and a person that would take the blame is only agreeing with you in this gaslight so you shut up and they do not have to hear you say it again. That is the only reason someone like that will stay calm when you are complaining about them so they know you think you were heard and what they are thinking the whole time is wow look at this person and watch this, you were absolutely right about that and I understand. A person that would do this intentionally is never sorry. They will be glib which is a smooth talker and they will know what to tell you as this is something that they have done before and they can use shallow emotions to make you think you are seeing remorse when they have none at all. It is all about them and nothing about you unless you are blamed for it.

A people pleaser like that will have no problem taking the blame and there are people that do this to avoid a fight. When it comes to a sociopath or a psychopath, they will let you blame them. And this is all so they are able to judge where you are at with them to know when to move forward or when to step back. If you notice they wont follow you into another room arguing with you and will stay in one spot while you throw a fit about something that they have done and they have no reaction to it at all? This is because this person does not give a shit what you are saying at all. They do not trip out about the things that people with strong emotions typically do and it is not the first time this has happened so you are talking about basically a pro when it comes to making you think something else is going on with them or you.

This person will only want to talk about themselves and watch for someone that is constantly bragging about something. It is one thing to be proud of something but when the conversation is constantly monopolized by someone and it is only about them. This person does not care to know how you are at all. They will act jealous about other people that are nothing more than your friend and make you feel guilty about having friends. They will want to insult you for the things that you like to do that they do not agree with as it is not something that they would want to do so why would you want to and this is a controlling person. Watch for someone to make comments about your weight or body and if you were to dare to say something about them then how would they react? That person would get mad as hell. They will likely have tantrums when you are not wanting to do what they are wanting you to do. Watch for their eyes to flash and roll when you are not doing what they want you to.

If you have someone that is wanting to make you feel bad about yourself or your accomplishments that had nothing to do with them and many will take the credit for any success that you do have as they will want to make sure you think that they did something for you that they did not. This person is toxic and will make you think that you owe them something when you do not. This is what emotional manipulations do to someone. Any time you are not feeling good about who you are and you are looking down on yourself or constantly apologizing for things that make no sense but you say it so they wont attack you with something else. That is abuse and it is toxic. Why would you apologize for something that this person is imagining that you did? Always consider what someone has to gain from you. Watch for this person to call you and tell you all about what a horrible day they had and only wants to vent to you. You are not their friend. They are using you for whatever they can and this is what that person will always do.

You cannot care about someone and treat them this way but someone like that will make you think that they do. A person with a sense of entitlement cannot share the feelings about you that you do them. They are not wanting that from you. They are only wanting to get what they need and that is it. You will see yourself giving everything that you have and more and this person will never be satisfied with anything that you do. When you do things for them, they will complain about it and its never enough. If you notice that you are the only person that tells them the truth or treats them with respect yet this smug fuck could care less what you have done for them. That is not the way that they wanted you to do it. Watch for someone that withholds information or is constantly talking up a bunch of shit about other people and it will always be things that are not warranted yet they are able to go back around that person that they were talking about like it was nothing and this is because it was not anything. Not to a person with a sense of entitlement.

They were right to do what they wanted to do to you. When you are thinking about something that a person is doing and you are seeing yourself saying that it feels like or they act like, there is no maybe, that is what is going on and you need to get away from a person like that. They will only stay around until the next new craze comes through and then poof you are out their life until they need you again. This person will tell other people that you are obsessed with them and how they cannot stand you and you will not take the hint or they don’t want to hurt your feelings. That is bullshit. You are being used

[notaboringmess]

I’m not asking you to stay

When Lily was almost 11 years old, her parents had an awful fight.

She remembers the screams that made her wake up, startled, and her mother loud cry. Her father screamed that he was leaving the house to “think”. She was hiding in the bedroom, afraid, but when her father said that he was leaving, she started running to where they were and begged and begged for him to stay. Her father looked at her and didn’t say a word. He just stood there. Her mother, tears still in her eyes, asked Lily to go back to her room, saying it would all be all right. It seemed like a lie, even then, even for a child.

You see, for young Lily love was supposed to be a fairytale and in those she had never seen or read about explosive fights, it was all romance and embraces and destiny. She believes it was in that night that she stopped believing in a love like that.

Because she remembers feeling heartbroken as she heard her own father speaking so many horrible things to her mother. The days passed and she didn’t heard any apologies, but she could see the sadness in her mother’s eyes and the way she looked down when her father was around. She doea not, however, remember when her mother started to look normal again. She just remembers the pain. As clear as day.

Not long after that, she went to Hogwarts, but that fight and the fragile look on her mother’s face would stay with her. At the time, Tuney said she didn’t want to talk about it and laughed when Lily asked if their parents were not in love with each other anymore. “You are just too young to understand”, she said. Sev just said that she was lucky if that fight was all there was, all she witnessed.

That night passes through Lily’s mind as she is currently screaming at her boyfriend, claiming he has no idea what she is going through and hearing that if it is so it is because she seems to want it that way. “You keep isolating yourself from everyone”, he claims and she hates to hear it, hates to think that he may be right and so she defends herself, tries to stop the conversation.

“How classic Potter, how very narcissistic of you to think you are everyone. The problem is only with you it seems.”

She regrets the words as soon as she says it, but they are already out. She sees hurt in James eyes and she hates herself. She could beg him to stay, like she did with her father, apologize and try to fix this. But the dark circles under her mother’s eyes in the days after the fight and the way she seemed to look down when her father entered the room are stronger. She realizes now that at the time she thought her mother looked weak. Come to think of it, she never heard her mother defending herself. And Lily was not defenseless, she needed, especially now, to be strong and brave. A true Gryffindor, she muses to herself with sarcasm.

“Maybe you should just go” is what she says instead.

“Do you want me to?”

James is very keen on asking Lily a lot of things. Especially when they were trying to be friends, it was like he wanted to know all there was to Lily. Which, frankly, was scary, because there was not a lot to know about her. She was boring. He would see right through her facade and would eventually get bored. But here they are. In a relationship, at least for the time being. At least before he threaten to leave. And she lets him. But what does she want? Lily wants a lot of things. She wants to not live in a world where she is treated differently because of the family she was born into. She wants to not have to fight in a war about her right to live, to be seen as an equal. She wants to stop running. She wants love. A home. To not have a best friend who went to be a part of a group of people who are against everything she believes. She wants to leave Hogwarts and try to be an adult. And she wants James. With her. Every step of the way. But.

“It is not about what I want. You started this fight, go on and leave like I’m sure you want to and stop trying to make me say it.”

James lets a sad laugh.

“How classic Lily, thinking people want to leave you.”

Lily is so very tired and all she wants to do is sit in her bed and vent about this nonsensical fight and how she can say very mean things without really mean it, but she did not start this fight and she is not to blame and he wants to leave, he will do so, but not because she asks that of him and she wants to complain about that. She will not carry this blame – at least is what she tells herself, but the voice in her head is already telling is her fault. It is always her fault.

It also haunt her that the person she imagines listening to her rants is the very person to whom she is fighting with.

“I’m tired James. If you are going to leave me just do it.”

“Wait what?”

Lily says nothing. She probably feels how her mother felt. James gets closer to her.

“Lily, I’m not leaving you. I can leave so that we can calm ourselves, but not leave you. I never want to leave you. Not unless you want me to.”

Again with what she wants. Her bed is not in sight so she contents herself with just sitting in the floor.

“You should not feel obligated to stay.”

James sits besides her, but very slowly like he is wanting to see if she will stop him.

He rubs his eyes. He is tired too she realizes. Then he looks at her and she has tears in her eyes. But it is not like it was with her parents. He is not screaming. She is not silently listening as he screams. It is not the same.

“Lily, I love you. I just don’t always agree with you specially if you are insisting that you have to put yourself in harm’s way and that it is your fight and not mine and well, I believe we will never be in agreement about Snape.”

“Well I don’t always agree with you either. Especially when you sound like a privileged brat.”

“We need to talk about this.”

“Yes.”

James really is tired, she can sees it. She is good at reading people and she is very talented at reading the people she loves. And it is late after all.

“Lily?”

Lily just looks at him.

“Can we just.. sleep? And talk about it in the morning?”

“Why?”

“Because... maybe we will think clearly in the morning? It seems we are not resolving this tonight”

At the word “resolve” she recoils. Resolve sound like an end.

“If you want to break up you should just do it now.”

James looks hurt again which makes her feel bad and it is a very vicious cycle of bad feelings.

“Lily, I just told you I’m not leaving you. We had a fight. People fight. Do you want to break up over this fight?”

“No, but, I don’t know. It was a bad fight.”

“It was. Apparently I was a brat.”

“You were.”

“And you keep trying to accuse me of trying to leave in order to stop the discussion. Also you are mean when you fight.”

“I’m horrible at this, at being a couple.”

“Well, I would argue that you are a brilliant girlfriend, but we are in the middle of a fight.”

“I do love you though.”

“Even if I am a privileged brat?”

She rolls her eyes and feels a small comfort in the familiarity of the act.

“So we agree: we are in love, no one is leaving and this is an important matter we need to address.”

“I believe so.”

“Good”

“Brilliant.”

Neither move.

Lily starts breathing more unevenly.

“The sad part is that I just want to lie and rant about my day, but I want to do it with you.”

James grabs her hand.

“We will be alright, you and I. I promise and I keep my promises, and you know how I brag about keeping my promises. You normally make fun of me for the bragging.”

Lily gives him a small smile, which is all the confirmation he seems to need.

“And you can rant all you want. To me, about me. We are also friends, even though I am very attracted to you and mostly I’m a rubbishy friend to you because I keep trying to kiss you.”

Lily loves him so for just being him and trying to change the mood with his awful flirting, but mostly Lily feels bad about herself. And she knows that she is not wrong in this fight: James will never fully understand what she is going through because he is not a muggleborn. He is being a privileged brat. Yes, he can fight. But they want to kill her. They are against her. He is just a supporter. He can quit it, but she cannot, because it is who she is that they are against off. And she will be in harm’s way whether she wants to or not.

“I’m aloud to be angry about this and I’m not gonna explain calmly to you the reasons why. I’m not sorry about that.”

“Well, I am sorry. I just get... well I guess nervous when I think about you in danger and I need to just accept that this will be our reality. And of course I know rationally you are capable of defending yourself. But this is my fight too, even if in a different way.”

She nods.

For now she will accept this. She just has to learn to accept that he is not looking for a way to leave her and that he feeling worried is not him believing she is inferior somehow. It is a process. So, she takes him on his offer.

“So today I had another fight with Severus, than with my boyfriend, who I love, but I was rightfully angry at, but maybe I was a little mean and now I feel like a horrible person. And anxious. Like always.

James kisses the top of her head.

“You are not a horrible person, you just had a tough day.”

“Thank you.”

“And about the anxiety?”

She rests her head on his shoulders.

“Can I tell you about a fight my parents had?”

“Of course love.”

Lily talks. James hears all about it. Then they talk and James tells how his parent’s fights always ended with a dramatic move by his mother and that in the next day they would always apologize to each other and life would go on.

After that, they just go to sleep.

Before saying goodnight Lily says:

“Tomorrow we will finish our fight and then we will move on with our lives.”

James kisses her goodnight.

The next day they do talk. James understands Lily’s view. Lily accepts, for the moment, that he is not leaving. She apologizes for screaming. He accepts the apologies and kisses her. Their friends don’t even realize they had a fight.

They go on with their lives. Together. Even if sometimes that means fighting, but no one ever threatens to leave. Lily let’s go off the fight of her parent’s. They are nothing like them.

[cuthian]

I Can’t Follow

I dunno, guys.

Just venting frustration at the lack of communication shown.

Love, Annaelle

--------------------------

SUMMARY: 

After… after Steve had given the shield to Sam, and after Bruce had complained about alternate timelines and divergences until he was nearly blue in the face (hah!), Bucky settled himself on the bench beside Steve. Bucky had always hoped Steve would make a move on Peggy—had always liked the woman who called Steve out on his shit as much as he did—and he wanted Steve to have his chance with her…

But it hurt to be left behind nonetheless.

SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS ENDGAME. INTROSPECTIVE BUCKY BARNES. SET POST-ENDGAME.

----------------------------------

I Can’t Follow

“They say ‘Follow your heart…’ But I cannot follow where you are going.” —Renate Suzuki

Bucky

After… after Steve had given the shield to Sam, and after Bruce had complained about alternate timelines and divergences until he was nearly blue in the face (hah!), Bucky settled himself on the bench beside Steve.

His hands—both vibranium and flesh—trembled a little, because while he’d known what Steve was going to do, while he’d expected nothing less… it was a lot harder to see evidence of Steve having lived an entire life without him than he had thought. Bucky had always hoped Steve would make a move on Peggy—had always liked the woman who called Steve out on his shit as much as he did—and he wanted Steve to have his chance with her…

But it hurt to be left behind nonetheless.

Peggy might be the love of Steve’s life, but Bucky knew, without a shred of doubt, that Steve was the love of his. Whether that meant a platonic relationship or more, Bucky had never really cared, as long as he had Steve in his life.

As long as he was around to see Steve be happy.

He hadn’t been this time, and that… Bucky would need time to get used to that. Shuri could probably recommend a good therapist or two to him.

“You punk,” he finally said, lightly bumping his shoulder against Steve’s, because while the other man still seemed pretty spry for a hundred-year-old, Bucky didn’t want to accidentally knock him off the bench and break his hip or something. “How’d your girl take you being back?”

Steve smiled, and beneath all the wrinkles, he was still the punk that Bucky had grown up with, that Bucky had been fighting with, side by side, for well over a century—that he loved more than anyone.

“She punched me a couple of times,” Steve admitted wryly, and Bucky barked a laugh, because yeah, that sounded like Carter alright. Steve smiled and looked down at his hands, at the wedding ring that shone on his fourth finger, and Bucky’s heart ached.

Not because he was jealous, but because Steve looked so damned sad.

“Was it a good life?” He asked, leaning back a little so he could look at Steve better. “Were you happy?” The ‘without me’ hung between them, loud and clear as though he’d shouted the words rather than swallowed them down, and Bucky couldn’t… he couldn’t look away from Steve’s eyes.

Beautiful and bright blue like the skies on the fourth of July, so gorgeous that it took Bucky’s breath away, even after all this time.

“As happy as I could be,” Steve said quietly, reaching out to touch his hand to Bucky’s. “I tried, you know? To find you, to destroy Hydra before they could hurt you, but then…”

“I wouldn’t have been here now,” Bucky finished.

He flipped his hand, tangling his fingers with Steve’s lightly. “I’m glad you didn’t risk it.” He took a deep breath before he looked up, tears burning in his eyes, despite his resolve to keep it together. “Was it worth it? Was it what you dreamed of?”

“Not exactly,” Steve smiled wryly. “You weren’t there.”

Bucky sobbed a laugh, tilting forward until his forehead made contact with Steve’s. “I missed you, punk,” he choked, eyes fluttering closed when Steve tangled his fingers in Bucky’s hair at the nape of his neck. “I fucking missed you.”

“I was gone five seconds,” Steve chuckled. “If anyone missed anyone, I missed you.”

“’Snot a competition,” Bucky grumbled lightly, and Steve laughed, bright and loud, like he hadn’t in years, and for all Bucky knew, Steve hadn’t laughed like that since Peggy’s death.

“I missed you, Buck,” Steve whispered, like it was a secret, like he wanted no one but Bucky to ever be privy to those words, and it felt intimate, like the days they’d spent in Wakanda, laughing, tripping over the kids—both goat and human—as they tried to run the chores that the little farm had brought with it, sharing memories and their lives, as much as they could with Steve running off to pick fights with bad people all over the world regularly.

“I’m here,” he replied, quietly and intimately. “I’m here, Steve.”

Steve finally broke, a sob falling from his lips as he threw himself into Bucky’s arms, hugging him as tightly as he had before he stepped into the time machine.

Bucky hugged him back just as tightly.

He was never letting go again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later… After Bucky had helped Steve get set up in a room adjacent to Bucky’s in Wakanda’s palace—because Shuri and T’Challa both refused to take no for an answer—Bucky found Sam sitting in one of the garden retreats, staring at the shield with wide eyes, almost like he couldn’t quite believe all that had happened that day.

Bucky knew the feeling.

“Hey,” Bucky said, sitting down beside Sam. They liked to give each other shit, a lot of the time, but Sam had been there for Steve when Bucky hadn’t been able to, and Bucky did appreciate that. Also, getting erased out of existence and then being brought back together kind of created a bond.

“Hey,” Sam replied without taking his eyes off the shield. “How’re you doing, man?”

Bucky opened his mouth to tell Sam that he was fine, like he’d told Shuri and T’Challa and Wanda and everyone else who’d asked him that same question since Steve had come back a hundred years older, but the words stuck in his throat this time. “I don’t know,” he said eventually. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded. “Me too.”

They were both quiet, for a moment, lost in their own thoughts, before Sam admitted, “I kind of feel like a lost my best friend all over again.”

Bucky nodded slowly. “I know. Me too. But he was happy. I can’t… I don’t know if he ever was before.”

Sam made a disbelieving noise. “You didn’t see him before he got you back, man.”

Bucky shook his head, smiling humorlessly. “I know he loves me, Sam. Always known that. But I ain’t Peggy Carter, and that woman stole Steve’s heart the second he laid eyes on her. He had a shot… he took it. Can’t blame him for that.”

Sam shook his head. “No, guess we can’t.”

“’Sides…” Bucky shrugged. “He ain’t gone yet. Serum’s still keeping him healthy. He’s old, but according to Shuri’s scans, he’s healthier than most young people. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon.” He rubbed his hands over his arms, rubbing a little warmth into them, because Wakandan nights got cold sometimes, and sighed.

“He’s still here, Sam. Still himself. He just looks his age now.”

Sam nodded slowly. “He’s still here,” he repeated sluggishly. “He’s still Steve.”

Bucky snorted. “He tried to pick a fight with Bruce five minutes after making it back, of course he’s still Steve.” Sam smiled fondly, shaking his head a little as he stroked his fingers across the shield.

“We’ll make it work,” Bucky said firmly, trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Sam. “We’ll figure something out.”

Sam looked more doubtful, but nodded eventually. “Yeah. We will.” He looked down at the shield again and grinned. “You know how to use this thing, right? Wanna help me figure it out?”

Bucky laughed. “Sure, birdbrain.”

They’d be alright.

They’d make it work.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kisathemistress]

Fair warning I am about to bitch about personal shit to vent frustrations.

Fucking hate this bullshit. I do everything I possibly can to be a great customer service agent. I explain shit, sell things as per company policy, try my best to provide what I can with the limited permissions I have, fucking dot all my i’s and cross my t’s. what do I get.

Punishment for joining in on a discussion with co-workers on our manager’s poor scheduling and trying to defend her by suggesting that it could just be inexperience as a hotel manager. The only thing I said that was truly negative and against her, was that I felt forced to find work elsewhere since I cannot live on 16 hours a week and had to talk with a second location’s management to see if I could get an extra 8 or 16 hours.

2 things happen (from what I understand):

1) Our new system is glitchy and it effected business on a day I had worked. I assumed the problem only effected the time well I was working, so I manually corrected the errors. I had informed the next shift and logged it in the communication book. Unfortunately these issues continued into the weekend and instead of talking about it or realizing that the system is bugged, our manager decided to blame everybody that was effected.

2) There were apparently customer complaints against the service agents. Since my manager wouldn’t elaborate, do to her being upset over me discussing my concerns with a couple of co-workers and frustrations on having to ask a different location for assistance, I am not even sure the complaints were directly for me or just a general customer complaint. I am experienced in hotels. Customers will complain that the floor is dirty after walking in with mud covered boots. I know there is a 50% chance someone is just trying to swindle you or complaining for the sake of complaining.

Now here is the thing, I understand she might not realize that people “vent” when upset. I was waiting for a convenient time to speak with her, if the schedule suddenly changed again, like I suddenly didn’t work for a week or was thrown on to breakfast only. Since we just finished training new agents and the old staff was returning after their leaves, I justified this month’s weird schedule to just be adjusting to these changes. So what I did was suggest to another co-worker who brought up their own concerns on the schedule, that I personally might have to talk (and did talk when they happened to have visited our location) to the next location’s management to get more hours or get a second job, as I cannot live on just 16 hours a week. Plus, since I work night or evening shift, the manager is usually gone before I even wake up to go to work. Given that I didn’t think the issue too serious, I preferred to wait for a time we could speak that wasn’t wasting both of our times.

Granted I might be a person that over shares. I have told my co-workers if they aren’t comfortable with what I talk about, to just tell me to shut up. I am open and honest with everyone, fuck you want to ask about my sex life, I’ll tell you (spoiler: I am ace and at one time had both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, my first ever boyfriend died in a car crash when I was 14). I don’t take offence, but I need to be told, since I am oblivious to social cues and don’t have the best filter. I am also a talker. I will speak up when confused or mad, but it’s always because I want an answer I can understand. I do not like people wasting my time, either and assumed they also don’t want their time wasted by me.

Of course I do know of a few excuses that could be used against me. One, is me referring customers to management (but honestly I think she forgot I don’t have permission to create blocks of rooms or change the prices to be lower than 10% off, and have to refer them.). Second, since I make absolutely sure everything vital is complete before taking my ‘brake’ at times it might look like I am doing nothing, just because every I need to do is already done (again, I don’t like wasting my time and don’t have the patience to ‘take my time’ on tasks). Thirdly, would be odor, I have struggled with overly odorous sweat glads for a while and have resorted to wearing AXE just because my natural BO will over power women’s deodorant after an hour.

Despite this though, I have done nothing to violate company policy or what HR wants from us. I am 100% open to discussion as long as it’s productive. If I am let go before I quit voluntarily, then the labour board will have to do an investigation on if I have the right to sue for any damages regarding my loss of work.

I really just hope she either starts taking responsibility and leave me alone, or try figuring out something that works for not just me, but all the agents that currently work for her.