#i can’t wait until april to find out what happens next

[teddyisgae]

i'm actually going a little bit insane ab the wedding coz vastra was so sincere and was checking in with jenny to make sure it was everything she wanted, and she wrote the most beautiful and passionate speech for her and it wasn't even real ;-;

she cares about Jenny so much like just look at her hopeful little face 🥺

imagine how heartbroken she’s gonna be when she finds out that while she thought she was dancing with her wife on their wedding day, the real jenny was locked in a basement, pulling at her chains and wishing she could be there 😭😭

[sociopathicartist]

In case I don’t tell you enough, I love you.

a letter from sans directed to you, his lover.

y/n,

it’s been five years since monsterkind was freed from the surface.

it’s been four years since i’ve met you.

it’s april, and i’m still missing you.

maybe it’s stupid of me to miss you considering that i left your house only a few hours ago, and i’m laying in bed writing this on some loose paper i found on my floor while i think of you.

weirdly enough, the silence in my room is now unsettling compared to how calming it used to be. i guess the fan in your room blowing wind on your bed that i’ve yet to see turned off has grown on me. or maybe it’s the rain sounds you always have playing on your tv that clash with the fan that grew on me.

or maybe it’s you that's grown on me.

sometimes when i have a nightmare or i can't sleep i play fan and rain sounds on youtube to help me rest, not even thinking consciously about it anymore. it always just makes me feel like i’m back in bed with you with my eyes closed, waiting for you to come back from the kitchen with the glass of water that you wanted.

i wish that i could sum it up and say i can't find the words to describe how i feel, but that’s a lie. i know exactly how i feel about you.

tracing my phalanges along the little scars and nicks of your skin when i’m next to you never fails to entertain me. neither does running my hand through your hair, or twisting the rings on your fingers, or kissing you quickly for the 1000th time. i never thought i would be fond of that sort of stuff, i never thought i was a guy for any sort of romance.

i guess i just never realized that all i needed was the right person to give it to me. all i needed was you.

i’m not the best writer. even my lab logs from the rare times when i help alphys with her scientific tests are messy and short out. it’s almost like having all these thoughts about you is starting to eat me alive. i guess i have nowhere else to put them but on a piece of paper. if we ever get married one day like i hope we do, i’d like to give this to you. who knows when that will be though, so i guess this letter will just sit in one of my drawers collecting dust until i can give it to you. it kinda sucks to think about the fact that these words might never reach you, but that’s the way life is. it sucks most of the time.

i get this weird sinking feeling in my ribs near where my soul rests sometimes. it’s mostly when i think about how i miss you. sometimes my hand reaches up and brushes up and down my shoulder blade when i’m lying in bed alone, mimicking the motion that your hand does to me all the time when we lay together. i don’t even notice it happens anymore, but when i do and i realize you’re not actually there, that’s when that weird sinking feeling happens. it also happens on the rare thought of you not being in my future one day, even though i know that won't happen. i know you wouldn’t leave me.

i can’t help but wonder what this feeling was before i met you, and why i never got it.

was i just empty all the time?

even though i remember in great detail why my depression was so bad back then, back before i met you, i guess these happy years with everyone have slowly washed away that feeling. i felt so horrible for so long, and i didn’t care to ever try and get better because there was no point back then, but for some reason whenever i try to think of what was there in my life that i had like this, it’s almost numbed away from my memories. it’s like a bad nightmare that got washed away with the morning light.

that’s not to say i’m not thankful and glad i’m doing better now. sure, i’m still working things out, but who isn’t? i don’t think i wouldn’t have ever actually gotten help if it wasn’t for you, though. you’re really the only person who's ever seen me so clearly. i love how i don’t even have to tell you if something is wrong anymore, you just look at me and know. did you know that i’ve never had anyone take the time to notice the small difference between my genuine smile versus my resting and permanent one? the day you pointed that out to me was the day i realized i liked you.

i also thought it would take me a while to realize when i liked someone seriously. i think the last time i ever had a crush was… actually, i can’t remember. in the movies and books, it’s always the same scenario of ‘i like you but i haven’t liked anyone before so i don’t realize i like you until it’s too late’ but that wasn’t the case. i knew the moment i liked you.

it was this odd twinge in me that just kinda sprung throughout my bones. i think it’s the same equivalent of getting butterflies in your stomach, but without a stomach. i noticed your looks before, and i guess this sounds weird to say, but it was like after so long of friendship that i actually… noticed you.

you looked so beautiful, and you still do.

the shock at work and from other people was really funny when they found out we were dating. i don’t think they ever actually thought i’d find someone to settle down with. our friends knew better though. as shocked as our friends tried to act, it was pretty obvious that they were expecting it. i can’t believe it was that obvious that we liked each other.

there’s no big resolution to writing this. i just felt like writing it so that i could share the feelings i feel about you but that i forget to say when we are around each other. it’s not like i can get a single word in with how much you smooch on me though. not that i mind.

it’s not to say that if my puns ever get too much for you, or if you decide that i’m too lazy and you feel like you can’t leave, you can. i just really don’t want you to. i have a strong feeling that you don’t ever want to leave either.

i can’t wait to see how the rest of our lives turn out together. when we move in, get married, and just enjoy each other’s time. i know it’s crazy to hear from me, but i can’t wait to do the dishes with you and put away the laundry as you fold it. i can’t wait to enjoy your company every day one day. i know it’s a bit selfish, but i hope that things stay like this forever.

i hope that you get to read this one day, and in case i don’t tell you enough, i love you.

[merrybloomwrites]

I Feel the Earth Move

Summary: Y/N experiences her first earthquake and her long distance boyfriend, Spencer, needs to know she's alright.

Word Count: 665

AN: I put a post out the other day that showed there's interest in Spencer stories. And then I felt an earthquake for the first time and got inspired to write this. Just a little story to get into the swing of writing for Spencer.

CW: earthquake

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One of the first things you had talked to Spencer about when you started dating was your shared experiences with hurricanes. Bit of a random topic, but with him being from Florida and you being from New Jersey, it was something you had in common. He then told you about the couple of earthquakes he’d experienced since moving out to Los Angeles. A tiny part of you was slightly jealous, but mostly you were happy you live in a place where the ground stays still at all times.

You’ve been dating Spencer for ten months now, but unfortunately, you’ve been long distance the whole time. Being on opposite coasts with a three-hour time difference makes things more complicated, but you’re looking forward to the near future when you finally get to move out to California. You work as a teacher and just need to finish the current school year and then you’re on your way to Los Angeles. You even have a new job and apartment lined up. Spencer sends texts nearly every day counting down until you’ll finally live in the same city.

It's early April, and your school is on Spring Break. You spent the week catching up on things you had been putting off, like doctor’s appointments and deep cleaning your closets. But now it’s Friday, and your to-do list is done. You’re having a lazy morning at home, sitting and watching some new Smosh videos that you hadn’t gotten a chance to see yet.

Suddenly you hear the hallway door rattling. For a second you think it must be the wind, but then the floor starts to shake. Next thing you know everything is rattling. It only lasts a few seconds and leaves you just standing in the middle of your living room, wondering what the hell just happened.

You think that it might’ve been an earthquake, but that would be ridiculous. Because that doesn’t happen where you live.

But then your mom texts the family group chat asking if everyone felt that. Your brother, sister, and dad all text back saying they had. You do a quick google search and within minutes you find the confirmation that it was in fact an earthquake, so you share the link with your family.

The first person you want to tell is Spencer, but it’s not even 8 in the morning in California. You know he doesn’t need to be at work until later in the day and is likely still sleeping. You’ll wait a bit before texting him, so you don’t wake him up.

 Twenty minutes later your phone starts ringing, and you’re surprised to see Spencer’s name pop up.

“Hey, what are you doing up so early?” You say as a greeting.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Of course I’m okay,” you reply.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the earthquake?”

“I was going to, I just wanted to wait a little while, so I wouldn’t wake you. How did you find out about it?”

“Like, eight different people from work texted me to ask if you lived where the earthquake happened. Y/N, you’re like, a mile from the epicenter. I needed to check that you’re alright.”

You’re overwhelmed with emotion at this, hearing how much he cares, and how worried he was about you.

“I’m okay Spencer, I promise. It wasn’t that bad. Honestly I was more confused than scared,” you reply.

“Well then we need to work on your survival instincts before you come to California,” he says, causing you both to laugh.

“Thank you for checking in on me,” you say.

“I’ll always make sure you’re safe,” he replies. Your heart melts again, and you can’t believe that he’s real. And that he’s really yours.

“I love you,” you say, unable to express your feelings at this moment in any other way.

“I love you too,” he replies, voice full of sincerity.

“Only 86 more days,” you state, giving him the countdown today.

“I can’t wait, baby.”

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AN: Thanks for reading! This is was just a little warm up to writing for Spencer. Please send me any requests you have for him! Also, please lmk if you'd like to be added to a taglist for all my Spencer stories!

[nevermoorsource]

Jessica Townsend’s recent Instagram post (7/2/24):

Hello! It’s me, Jess. 😊🩷 I am unspeakably delighted to tell you that the (absolute, for sure, official!) publication dates for Silverborn: The Mystery of Morrigan Crow will be 30 April (Australia/NZ), 08 May (UK) and 24 June (US) 2025. I am even more thrilled to share these STUNNING Australia/NZ and US covers, with artwork by the forever brilliant Jim Madsen (who I think has PROPERLY outdone himself this time, just quietly). I’ll also be revealing the beautiful UK cover in the coming weeks! I can’t wait to hear what you think about all three. You may have clocked (particularly if you’ve preordered) that there have been some date changes since my last announcement here. I know April 2025 is later than you’re currently expecting, and I also know how exasperating it can be to wait so patiently for something and then find out you have to wait EVEN LONGER. For this reason, I’ve deliberately held off on announcing any further date changes on social media until now — I wanted to wait until I knew for absolute, definite, no-doubt-about-it certain that the date I told you would be THE ONE. (Although FYI, from an industry perspective my publishers are under a whole different set of pressures, meaning dates have had to be changed online and with booksellers for many sensible reasons. And of course we all VERY MUCH HOPED those dates would work out, but I’ve never felt like I could tell you another pub date myself unless I felt 100% confident I could make it happen.) I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your kindness and patience during the wait for Silverborn! It’s been a long one, partly for various life reasons but also because, frankly, she is a BEAST. In a good way! A LOT happens in this book. Silverborn launches what I’ve always thought of as Act II of Morrigan’s story, but it’s also book 4 of 9, which means there are by now a lot of threads to begin untangling, and even more to lay down for future books. I’m so, so, SO excited for you to read this part of the story next April, and in the meantime I’ve got some fun stuff for you in the coming days and months — I’ll talk some more about this in my Instagram stories imminently! Love JT xx

[shortcrust]

Last posting dates??? They're all so enigmatic

Last posting dates is a mere 1500 words of 'what if the time-travel romantic drama film The Lakehouse staring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, but it's Hartcroft', that starts out with Sophia receiving a letter:

Sophia Cracroft maintains a box at the General Post Office in St Martin’s for the purpose of receiving and maintaining exchanges in support of her charitable endeavours and the would-be repatriation of her Uncle. She needs no such correspondence for the would-be repatriation of Francis. One day she enters and finds within it a letter addressed to an unfamiliar name. She sets it aside, and leaves in its place a short note declaring that the box is now let to her and any previous holders should direct their correspondence elsewhere.  The next day she returns to find that she has received a response. 16th January Dear Miss, I am sorry for causing any trouble this is the only address I have. I didn’t know anyone else had it thought the box was new?  Apologies again for the confusion, Tom Hartnell Sophia Cracroft frowns, lightly, and looks past her hands. The pigeonholes in front of her are dusty and chipped around every edge where people have clearly attempted repeatedly to shove in oversized packages. 

and striking up a conversation with the stranger, until he reveals himself to be sweet, the model of a gentleman, and he is so consumed with sadness she would throw it all away to be with him, and requests they meet, and she receives one last letter from him:

12th April Dear Sophy, I cannot wait to meet you I simply can’t. I’ve never been more glad for the mistake of the postmaster than to put my brother’s letter in your box.  It just so happens that I will be in London city Monday next for a fortnight. I am sad to say I cannot stay long as I am to depart on an expedition. It is under Captain Sir John Franklin (if you know sailors I suppose you know who that is) and we are hoping to find and chart the Northwest Passage and I will miss you terribly but if I can but see you in that time well it will make me the happiest man in all the oceans.  With greatest affection, Tom

ANYWAY we have Sophia running through London but also through time to try and stop him?? Or maybe he never gets on the boat? Or maybe he dies! Maybe I have a little fun with it!!

[modelartist-demri]

NEW ENTRY ON MY BLOG!

On October 29, 1996, Demri passed away of acute intoxication caused by the combined effects of opiate, meprobamate, and butalbital when she was only 27. 

Demri and Layne in the Spring of 1990 by Krista Kay.

Her last few years, since around Thanksgiving 1993, her health began taking a turn for the worse. She told her mother she had been having fevers in excess of a hundred degrees. Austin told Demri the next time it happened, she should go to the hospital. The first of many hospitalizations happened shortly after. “She came in to the hospital for the first time at the end of November of ‘93. She was in until January of ‘94. She got out and was back in in March of ‘94 and at that time put on life support,” Austin recalled. “When she would be in, she would come in to the emergency room. They would admit her up into a medicine floor; then she’d go from the medicine floor to the Intensive Care Unit and life support, and then she wouldn’t die. So she’d go back to the medicine floor – she’d be on IV and antibiotics for a month. This went on and on and on. She had her lungs operated on twice. She had her heart operated on twice [she had a heart valve repaired and another replaced and the pacemaker implanted age 26]. She suffered miserably.” [1]

Jacque: “She was very sick in the end. She’d had open heart surgery and had nerve damage to her feet which were mostly numb. She had no body fat at all, and was cold all the time. Often the car’s heater would be on full blast, even on a nice day, everyone would be sweating and she’d be shivering and wearing a sweater.” [2]

According to Amber Ferrano, Dave Navarro was the one who brought up the endocarditis . They had the doctors check and found it on the back of Demri’s heart valve.

Demri with Dave Navarro ca. 1994 in a medical facility.

Amber Ferrano: “Dave was my go-to person as someone who had kicked to help Layne and Demri when various things came up with them regarding drugs because they had used with him in the past when Jane’s Addiction came through town and now clean. Dave was their inspiration. He was in AA, and though they didn’t believe in AA they loved him, he was non-jugemental and kind. They really wanted to show him they could get clean. Bob Timmins helped too. They thought if lifers could get clean because of him there was hope. 

Dave was the one who brought up the endocarditis, asking if that is what she had. It was the first time we heard of it. All those times in the hospital. They ended up finding it on the back of her heart valve.”

While in the ICU, Austin said Demri was conscious but intubated – she had a tube inserted down her throat to help her breathe, which she despised. She would tell her mother, “I hate being fucking intubated. I can’t talk, and these people come and they ask me these fucking questions, and I can’t fucking talk, and I feel like a fucking fish in a fucking fishbowl.” She communicated by writing on a small blackboard with a piece of chalk. [1]

Despite the multiple hospitalizations and brushes with death, Demri continued using drugs. She had seemingly accepted that her addiction was going to kill her. 

Amber Ferrano: “I brought mortuary books in to Demri at the hospital when Layne got back from New York in April of 1996. I, of course, shocked Demri and said I thought we could go coffin shopping. Of course when Layne got there she told on me. When she first saw them she was balling saying she didn’t want to die. Layne talked about all the issues. I said you have to be clean to fix those issues and they get less and less. The thing with them was people waiting outside their home with drugs as a way to befriend them or mailing it to them. It killed Layne when he got letters about people using. He didn’t write to glorify it, it was cathartic to work his way through it."

Barbara Dearaujo: “She was in and out of the hospital for months at a time before she actually passed away. I would go visit her and she had all the nurses going crazy. She put up all her drawings and flowers all over the walls and did things she wasn’t supposed to do like take off with her IV and go out and smoke. She was a wild child... My heart goes out to her mom. She was a good mother and she tried so hard to help Demri, but Demri was her own woman and she lived in the extreme always. She was a broken child. Grasping for something to relieve some deep pain that no one but her knew.”

One of the last photos of Demri alive, as far as her mum knew. Demri and her mum Kathleen on September 1996. Kathleen sent this photo to Memories of Demri instagram (no longer exists).

Donald John: “I was very close with Demri Parrott, knew her during her last year of life. I met her at the hospital through a friend and became very close to her. I used to visit her a lot while in the hospital, and we had some very deep spiritual conversations about everything, including her relationship with Layne from the start to the end. She even gave me a pair of sunglasses that was his. I used to read books to her and let her borrow a lot of my books, especially art books, to keep her busy. I used to hold her while she cried and watched her while she slept. I used to go outside with her when she wanted to smoke and when she was feeling better to walk, and met her mother. I even got to check out her mother’s home which had a lot of pictures of Demri of her modeling days and stuff. Sometimes on her breaks she would come to my apartment that was like 5 min walk away from the hospital. She would come over and we would do heroin together and paint pictures with my art supplies, sitting Indian style on the floor listening to music. Then when she was released from the hospital she stayed with me for a while in my place and even slept in the same bed with me, we never had sexual relations but were deep friends and something more. She and Layne at the time were pretty much over even though he visited her while in the hospital. Sometimes we would cuddle in bed and she was so skinny. When she would leave to do her errands around town she would sometimes come back with gifts, like one time I got a cool wallet from her and a necklace with an angel on it – at the time I had my first tattoo of an angel on my forearm. When me and Demri first met I was just smoking heroin, then I started shooting and when she found out she was very upset. Time had passed and I saw her frequently. Then I found out about her death.” [2]

The other of the last photos of Demri alive, as far as her mum knew. Demri and her mum Kathleen on September 1996. Kathleen sent this photo to Memories of Demri instagram (no longer exists).

Ryan Kalsbeck:“Demri was staying for a bit with me at my old apartment off 45th and Lake City Way, we had been friends for years by this point but her addiction was sad for me to see. We had long serious conversations about a lot of things. Personal, to say the least. But she always carried her Leather Modeling Portfolio with her everywhere she would go or where she was staying, but she made me promise to please hold on to this portfolio for her and don’t let anyone around it or in it and she would eventually have a solid place to bring it to and for safe keeping. I never let one picture wander off into anyone ever. I promised Demri I would guard it and I knew how important this was to her fading life. She was so afraid of loosing this or someone stealing it, probably swiping rare as f*ck photos of her and Layne, stacks of the two in different vintage clothing. But I had her portfolio in my possession for at least 1 year, and one day like normal she left my apartment and I was still sleeping. Said, ‘I’ll see you at the Off Ramp later tonight.’ I wasn’t surprised to not run into her that night, and this was one of the last times of her disappearing, no one hearing from her for months at a time. But she always popped up at someone’s place eventually. The story is deep, and thick, and personal for me to speak of.”

Terri Brannon: “Last time I saw her, I went over to Carolina Court to say goodbye because I was moving back to Arkansas. I had a very sad feeling when I hugged her. I knew in my heart I’d never see her again. She was so full of life back then. A wild gypsy child. Reminded me of myself many years before. It’s been years and years, but you never forget Demri. She is unforgettable.” [2]

Demri's graveyard at Miller-Woodlawn Memorial Park, Bremerton, Washington, USA 

During her final days, Demri was staying with an older man named Tom, the father of a friend of hers, at his place in Bothell. According to Amber Ferrano, he was a drug dealer, Demri was staying with him because he had klonopin so she wouldn’t have seizures. Demri had lived something of a nomadic existence, staying with different people for periods of a few days to a few weeks at a time. Toward the end of her life, it became very difficult for her to find a place to stay. 

On the afternoon of October 28, 1996, Tom drove Demri into Seattle. She told him she wanted a few things from a Fred Meyer grocery store. When he arrived at the store, Demri was unconscious, and he couldn’t wake her. He went into the store to pick up her things, leaving the car engine running so she wouldn’t get cold. He came out of the store, drove home, and still couldn’t wake her. He left her in the car unconscious so he could do his laundry. He eventually realized something was seriously wrong. 

Demri was eventually brought in to the emergency room at Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland at 7:30 P.M. – two and a half hours after she first lost consciousness. Her mother got a phone call from the hospital, telling her Demri was there. 

Kathleen asked the doctors if Demri could hear her. The doctors told her they thought she could. She clutched Demri’s hand and said, “Dem, if you have a choice to stay or to go, you don’t have to stay for me anymore.” During previous hospitalizations, she had always told her to fight, to to survive. This time was different. [1]

Jack Plasky: “The first time I met Layne was when he came by my studio after Demri passed. We hung out for about six or seven hours. We went through Demri’s pictures. We did not talk much, it was more like sharing with me his pain. He was not a rock god that day, just a regular person who wanted to share the loss with each other. We had a very strong bond based on our love and caring for Demri, and her feelings for us. I got a strong true feeling from him when he looked at Demri’s pictures, that life held nothing for him anymore.”

Ariel Layton: “Demri used to spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, Jana. She actually passed away in my friend Tom’s truck. I also ended up couch-surfing at Buddah’s around the same time as Layne shortly after she passed. He had photos of her everywhere, it was very sad.” 

Kathleen Austin: “Derek loved Dem so much and nothing she did would ever change that. He spoke at her funeral, ‘If my sister got on the ferry in Seattle, she knew everyone on the boat by the time it reached Bremerton’.”

Clay: “Demri, it’s been 13 years [March, 2009] since you went to be with Jesus and I still miss you so much sweetie. I’m so glad we got to share all the time with each other before you left us. When we prayed and talked about Heaven and The Lord, it still makes me think about how I look forward to seeing you again and being with you forever. I hope all the world knows you are with Christ now and your faith in Him, so they can have the same hope we shared. I’ll always treasure your Bible your grandma gave me, until we are together again. Love you always, Clay.”

Brochure from Demri’s memorial service, which was held on November 2, 1996. Shared by Marisi Sojit and posted by “Comunidad Alice in Chains Chile” Facebook group. Found via Instagram: memoriesofdemri (no longer exists)

Carolyn Hart Gutierrez: “She was one of the most amazingly trusting, compassionate, openhearted persons I’ve ever known, albeit briefly. We went to the same high school, and she was a friend of my younger sister. I have often thought about her over the years. It broke my heart to hear that she was gone from this Earth. I always imagined that she grew up and became a happy little momma who would teach her children to believe in magic and that if you wish on a star your wish will come true, and to dance in the rain. That’s what I believe. Demri may be gone, but she is never forgotten.” [2]

Krisha Augerot: "She was like the sweetest, cutest, tiny hippie chick – just adorable and gorgeous. Never would I have ever imagined what happened to her happening". 

Mara Whelan: “My dear soul sister, she extracted the truly beautiful parts of my soul and made me unafraid. She brought light into the depths of darkness from within. She loved all my ugliness and glorified my uniqueness.

Demri and I lived together, slept together as sister spoons, hitchhiked all up and down the coast and back and forth to Seattle from Everett a million times. We lived in Seattle together in multiple places. When we didn’t live together, even when the drugs came into play, we never lost each other.

She was the most beautiful soul that ever existed. What I would do to feel her hand in mine again.”

Barbara Dearaujo: “Demri was an artist herself, a model and someone who could always make you laugh. She was the type of person who when she entered a room full of people all eyes would be on her. She sucked the energy from the room and then blasted it back out at you and made you laugh and smile. She was so different than everyone else and everyone knew it who met her. Geeky, funny, caring, talented and unique girl who could of owned the world if she had not got caught up in what was going on around her. She was a star in her own right.”

*All the information has been collected from the "Memories of Demri" document shared on google drive*

Sources cited:

[1] Alice in Chains: The Untold Story by David de Sola

[2] Instagram: memoriesofdemri (no longer exists)

*VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO LITTLE QUEENIES AND MEMORIES OF DEMRI*

Some great Demri sites you MUST check: 

Little Queenies tumblr blog - Demri info

Little Queenies' collection of Demri's photos hosted at Google Photos

Memories of Demri document hosted on Google Drive

Videos of Demri hosted on Google Drive

World of Demri on Instagram

World of Demri substack blog

Demri L. Parrott on facebook

Demri L. Parrott on Instagram

Demri Lara Parrott on Instagram

Demri Parrott Legacy on Instagram

Beautiful Demri Blogspot

[she-karev]

The Worst Day (Andrew DeLuca x Alex Karev’s Sister Angst with a Happy Ending)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Three

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev’s Sister)

Warning: Panic Attack

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 6

AN: Here we go guys, the bad episode we wish never happened is happening here but don’t worry there’s a happy ending coming. As far as I am concerned the last 18 minutes never existed and DeLuca’s injuries weren’t that severe. But that doesn’t mean there’s not gonna be angst so be prepared. Like and reblog below and let me know what you think and if my description of a panic attack is on point due to never having one myself. And don't worry I'm not a cruel person so the next chapters will be released today with the next one coming at 12 and the last one coming at 6.

Summary: Andrew DeLuca was stabbed and while unconscious he has flashes to the day he and Amber Karev first met. Meanwhile Amber comes to the hospital where she finds out what happened.

Words: 2970

April 30th, 2020

Andrew DeLuca is lying on his side in the mostly empty train station clutching his stomach. He was so focused on following Opal and making sure the cops knew where she was going that he barely registered a man bumping into him to make it look like an accident when really he was stabbing Andrew. One minute he was running after a sex trafficker and the next he is lying on the floor in unimaginable pain without anyone to help.

He is barely able to discern what is happening, but he can make out Carina coming to him. He can see the devastation and panic on her face while she presses on his side trying to stop the bleeding. He sees the other firefighters gathering around him while Maya holds Carina back so they can work on him. He can barely hear what they’re saying as the pain in his side makes him feel woozy and his hearing muffles the sound around him.

Time feels like it’s going both slow and fast for him. He feels like their going slow around him and not getting him off the floor soon enough. But then he can barely remember when they put him on the gurney and loaded him into the ambulance convinced, they were working at warp speed. He must’ve lost consciousness during that time, or his body went into shock from the excruciating agony. Either way his body doesn’t feel like his own, he feels like he’s drifting off into nothingness.

He tries to fight it off knowing it’s his body shutting down, he knows he needs to be awake so he can live. He wishes he didn’t know what was happening in his body right now. He understands the term ‘your life flashes before your eyes’. It feels almost like he’s going to another world as his mind flashes to three years ago when he first met the woman he loves.

July 17th, 2017

“Can I get an iced mocha latte with an extra shot?” Andrew DeLuca asks the barista at the coffee kiosk outside.

He’s in his baby blue scrubs and lab coat as it’s the uniform for a second-year resident like him. He’s getting a coffee for Amelia Shepherd as she has a tough case with a 14-year-old that has osteoblastoma on his jaw. Seeing his boss work so hard to try to operate on an inoperable tumor has him worried she’s taking a big risk. But she’s his boss and he knows better than to question her methods.

The barista gives him the open clear container with the latte inside. DeLuca gives him the cash and takes the lid and straw ready to head back until he bumps into someone he didn’t know was behind him. The female gasp causes him to see that the coffee he’s holding sloshed as he bumped into the woman causing a good amount to splash on her upper breasts that are covered by the sweetheart line of the black dress she is wearing.

He looks down in wide eyed shock before looking up at the distressed woman and it makes him want to kick himself that much more. The woman that was behind him waiting in line is drop dead gorgeous with her blonde hair that is neat in an updo and her eyes that are wide with shock. He can’t discern if their blue or green or gray but either way he is flabbergasted that he just spilled his boss’s coffee on a beautiful woman he would normally ask out if they met under better circumstances. He decides to put that aside and try to repair his massive error.

“Oh my god I am so sorry.” It’s the only thing he can say, and he says it with all the regret and shock he can to the woman who shudders looking down at her dress.

“Cold coffee in my breasts very cold.”

Andrew turns around and grabs a stack of napkins, “Here let me help-”

“Ow!” Andrew felt a pain in his elbow that he realizes was from hitting the woman in the face because he turned too fast without looking behind him.

She groans in pain gripping her nose with her eyes closed while Andrew looks even more horrified by his ability to make this so much worse. If embarrassment could kill, he would be dead on the sidewalk at that very moment.

“I am so sorry…again, are you okay?” Andrew asks the woman who groans letting go of her nose before kneeling down. He sees that in the midst of the chaos she dropped her purse, and all of her items fell out as a result.

DeLuca once again tries to mend his mistake and kneels down to help the woman who looks like she could be a runway model, “I’m fine I just have coffee in my dress thanks to you and I probably need a rhinoplasty thanks to you but hey at least this hospital has a plastic surgery wing.”

Andrew grins slightly as he picks up white tube-like objects he now sees are tampons as does the woman who speaks out in humiliation as well, “Please leave my lady essentials alone before I die of embarrassment thanks to you.” DeLuca curses himself again before quickly dropping the items that the woman quickly picks up before standing and rubbing herself with the napkins he offered, “Who do I thank for this short moment of physical and emotional torture?”

“Um Andrew DeLuca, hi.” He holds his hand out offering a shake at the woman in the hopes she isn’t too mad at him. He is proven wrong with the narrow eyes that could stare daggers at him and the frown on her red lips that he feels creeping in his soul. Andrew see’s he’s not gonna get on her good side and returns his hand before clearing his throat, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

The woman chuckles in a way that makes him feel worse for his transgressions, “I don’t know you could dislocate my shoulder or shave off my eyebrows if you didn’t get your fill in today.”

“I’m sorry it was an accident I swear.” Andrew says once again and tries to make it up to her somehow pointing at the kiosk behind him, “How about I buy you a coffee?”

“No thanks I’ve had enough, and I don’t trust you holding liquids around me so…” The woman starts to walk backwards as if afraid his mere presence will cause more injuries for her, “I’m just gonna ring out my dress, shove these tampons up my nose and I’m sure the people interviewing me won’t notice so thanks a lot.”

With that sarcastic statement the woman briskly walks away from Andrew who she doesn’t see dropping his head down in shame. He closes his eyes and groans under his breath for driving a woman away without even trying. In that moment he can say for certain that would be the first and last interaction they have and it’s fitting for him that it would be a complete disaster.

Present

Amber walks along the ambulance bay feeling nervous about today, or more accurately running into Andrew DeLuca. Last night she left him a message telling him that she is willing to give their relationship another chance. It’s what he wanted for weeks, and she hasn’t given him the time of day because of the things he said and did to her while he was having a mental breakdown.

But now she can see that he’s working hard to overcome his illness and be the best version of himself like he promised her last night. It’s something she wanted him to do when they were together, and she gave up on him convinced he was never gonna be the man she loved again. He proved her wrong by getting better and taking his meds, but she was still hurt and angry at him.

It wasn’t until he checked on her everyday when she had covid and she could see up close from behind a closed door that the Andrew she knew wasn’t gone. She could see that his priorities have evolved. She could see that he was working hard to earn back her trust. And it wasn’t until last night after her talk with April that she decided to give him that chance. Now she’s anxious to see what his answer is to her voicemail and what is about to come next for them.

“Morning.” Amber sees her oldest brother, Alex, walk next to her looking like he is about to start his day too, “I would have added a good, but you know.”

“I know, what are you doing here? I thought Hayes was covering your service today?”

“He is but Jo told me that Val is feeling worse than she lets on.” Amber remembers Val as the mother with the baby in her liver that they took out, “I thought another familiar face in there might be good for her. And maybe I can find a way for her to see her kid outside a screen.”

Amber is surprised by her brother’s generosity, “You’re going to a lot of lengths for this family. Does Jo need to be concerned?”

Alex rolls his eyes at his sister’s half joke, “Shut up. It’s hard enough having a baby in a pandemic let alone having one come from your liver and be in an incubator for weeks. Plus, Val got in touch with Luna’s father last night, he signed away his parental rights.”

“Isn’t that what she wanted?”

Alex fumes, “Yeah but having the father of your kid respond with a two worded text and a baby emoji makes you feel worse than you already do. Here I am wanting a kid with the woman I love and this guy just tosses his like week old garbage. I don’t know why I’m so mad.”

“As a woman who was also abandoned by her father as a baby I share your anger.” Amber tells her brother, “But it’s good that they have you there.”

“I just hope me and Jo are enough to keep this family from falling apart.”

The Karev’s are close to the pit entrance when an ambulance comes blaring in with Owen Hunt and Levi Schmitt already gowned up. They stop to let the rig park and wheel the trauma in when what comes out stops Amber and she looks on confused.

“Carina?” Amber asks her ex-boyfriend’s sister who comes out looking disheveled. Alex widens his eyes as he knows the look Carina has all too well. It’s the look he had when his little brother or sister would get hurt.

“It’s Andrea.” Carina tells a shocked Hunt and the gurney coming out stops Amber cold. Andrew is on the gurney with an oxygen mask on and 4 by 4’s against a bleeding wound in his abdomen. Amber gasps in horror at this and wants to reach out and help but her brother holds her back by her upper arms knowing she would get in the way.

It hurts him to see DeLuca come out of that ambulance knowing Alex was another reason for his trauma visit four years ago. Seeing him like this because of someone else makes him want to go back and kick his younger ass for doing this to another human being. However, he knows his sister needs him in this time as she is frozen in shock and can’t ask questions so he does them for her asking Warren and Bishop.

“What the hell happened?”

“Stab wound to the abdomen, possibly into the chest.” Amber shudders at Warren’s description as a thousand thoughts run through her head that feels like it’s gonna explode, “Slightly hypotensive and tachycardic after one liter of NS.”

“What happened?” Schmitt asks in shock.

Bishop explains, “He was following a sеx trafficker, and she attacked him.”

“They got her.” Even through the blood pounding in her ears Amber can hear the struggle in her loves voice, “I-I think I'm okay.”

Alex is still holding Amber by her arms as Owen talks to Andrew, “DeLuca, try not to talk. It's Dr. Hunt. You're at Grey-Sloan. Let's get him to trauma one. Let's move. Schmitt, let's go.”

The team wheel the gurney in with Amber breaking out of Alex’s hold to follow. Her chest feels like it could burst with her heart beating so fast, her feet feel tingly with every step she takes but she persists needing to see how he is.

She stops outside the trauma room where the door is open so she can see what’s happening. While her sight is working her hearing stopped at some point and all she can hear is a ringing that would drive her crazy if she wasn’t face to face with her worst nightmare. She’s done enough trauma to see that they’re inserting a chest tube into DeLuca.

So far, a few scenarios run through her head of what could go wrong in a chest tube. The blood could overflow, the clip could be taken out too late, the tube could miss the target completely and hit his heart instead causing it to give out. All of these thoughts in her head make her chest tighten like a MagicBag and she can discern herself rubbing her own chest trying to lessen the constriction, but it doesn’t work. The mask on her face feels like someone is suffocating her and it makes the large building around her swirl like she’s on a roller coaster.

Amber doesn’t know what she looks like at this moment or if she’s even reacting to Andrew obviously being in pain from the chest tube insertion. She feels like her brain is somewhere else and all she is doing is standing and seeing. She doesn’t even know if she’s breathing at this time, but she has to be even if it’s a little because she would be passed out if she wasn’t. On the other hand, her chest tightening could indicate she’s having trouble breathing but she can’t bring herself to worry about that, not with Andrew suffering in front of her eyes.

Her feet suddenly move backwards, and she can feel someone pulling her back as Andrew is wheeled out of the trauma room. She begins to lose sight of him as they turn a corner down the hall. Her worries are still with her as she knows where he’s headed too well, and the scenarios run through her head at hyper speed.

Most of these scenarios end with Andrew dying and each one brings her that much closer to collapsing on the floor as her knees get weaker by the second. The ringing in her ears is still there but she can see Alex standing in front of her with worry in his eyes. He is holding her upper arms, but she can’t feel his hands around her. She feels like her body is dying.

Alex pulls his mask down and for some reason, seeing his lips move makes the ringing in her ears lessen. She can hear herself babbling ‘oh my god’, she tries to stop but she can’t. It’s like the little girl who was locked in that trunk possessed her mind and her body and she can’t let go of the woman in that pit right now.

“Look at me, look at me.” Amber can hear her brother but it’s like he’s miles away. She looks up at him as he instructs, and she can tell he’s concerned about her. Alex remembers the techniques Jo’s therapist gave him in case she ever had another panic attack and decides to use this to help his little sister who looks like she’s about to faint.

“Can you name five things you can see?” Amber is still mumbling under her breath, so he tries again, “Amber? Name five things you can see around you now.”

Amber swallows her mumbles and takes a shaky breath before starting. Her eyes look around the building that seems like it’s falling to her, but she makes out the things her brain can ascertain, “Um…you…floor…the walls…crash cart…IV pole.”

Amber’s surroundings begin to still in her vision and her hearing becomes clearer as she can hear the familiar voice of her brother who continues the steps, “Good your doing good. Now can you name four things you can touch?”

Amber puts a shaking hand on her arm. Even though it’s hard she tries to follow Alex’s instructions knowing it’s the only way to get out of her racing head, “My-My jacket…the zipper…my shirt��my jeans.”

Alex nods in pride still holding his sister by her arms, “Good, three things you can hear go.”

Amber closes her eyes and focuses on the sounds around her feeling her chest begin to relax, “Um Carina next to us…wheels turning…the intercom.”

“Okay we’re almost done. Name two things you can smell.”

Amber takes a deep inhale for the first time and her brain processes the familiar scents, “Antiseptic…and your cologne.”

“Last thing, name one thing you can taste.”

Amber swallows and tastes her own mouth, “Um the coffee I got on the way here.”

Amber registers that her body is grounded at last, and all of her senses are stable. And with it the heartache that comes to her like a wrecking ball. Her sight becomes blurry with tears and the next sound that comes out of her is small gasping sounds that follow with heavy sobs.

Alex frowns in despair for his little sister before pulling her towards his chest and holding her against him as she sobs. The sibling stand there in an embrace as the worlds feels like it’s crashing down for one of them.

Next Chapter Here

[stevetonyweekly]

SteveTony Weekly - April 9th

 Hey everyone! I read a lot of short things this week that were DELIGHTFUL and kept my mind busy as I wait for news on the personal front. Fandom is my favorite thing for that, and so many other reasons. Be sure to give your authors a comment or kudos if you like their stories! 

~*~ 

Everyone's a Critic by duc

Steve scrap booking with Jan. Everyone's a critic.

Shook the Bones of Me by Mireille

Tony and Steve have some rare free time together. Steve has plans for it.

last call by gottalovev

Tony didn’t prepare for Steve calling first.

It's been thirteen months, why now?

The Three-Date Opportunity by Annie D (scaramouche)

Tony gets three dates to win over a skeptical Steve. Three, no more and no less.

This Isn't What it Looks Like by FestiveFerret

Steve finds an antique mirror at a thrift shop, but it turns out to be more than just a mirror.

Five Kinks Tony Stark Does Not Have Anymore Thanks to Steve Rogers  (+1 He Still Likes) by greyduckgreygoose

"Hm ..." Clint paused in the bedroom doorway, surveying Tony as he lay in fetal position, sulkily clutching a hot water bottle to his groin. "Can't decide what to mock you for without more information."

festina lente (hurry slowly) by greyduckgreygoose

If anyone asked Steve – and a few reporters may well have, Steve wouldn’t know since Peggy had kept him from answering anything else outside controlled press conferences and faux-casual interviews – what his relationship was with Captain America, Steve would have said something like, “We’ve reached an understanding,” or, “He’s a good guy to have in a fight,” but nowhere in that statement would be the mention of friend, or partner or ally.

A role reversal fic featuring Steve Rogers (a.k.a Iron Man) as a billionaire, genius engineer with a heart of gold and Tony Stark (a.k.a Captain America) as a playboy American Hero who spent most of his backpay on his flashy lifestyle.

felix culpa (fortunate fault) by greyduckgreygoose

The first time Tony had fucked in his new body, it was with a USO girl five years his senior. It was his first time not being scrawny, first sexual encounter outside of back-alley blowjobs and hotel room visits with strange men in bars. First time penetrating.

It was bad. He didn’t judge his strength and left a dime-sized bruise on the girl’s breast. She had laughed, of course, been a sport as she ruffled his hair. “At least it’s somewhere easy to cover,” she had said, “But they sure weren’t kidding about that super strength of yours, were they? Wowee.” He had still felt like shit.

Bound to Take Your Life by greyduckgreygoose

“Bite me,” Tony had hissed the first time that they met, and to this day he doesn’t know just how close Steve had been to shoving him to the ground and sinking his canines into Tony’s neck, jaws clamping down until Steve’s mouth tasted of blood and sweat and Tony’s screams died down to a slow whimper.

Cry Uncle by greyduckgreygoose

Tony chuckled, flipping up his mask so that Steve could feel Tony's breath on his ear as he whispered, "But Cap, I promised that I'd make you beg for mercy." Steve's eyes widened, his body going taut as a bowstring in anticipation of being drawn.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand by NotEvenCloseToStraight

Tony is a snarky, sassy, college age disaster, making his way through the Ph.D program by way of spite, stubborness and unhealthy amounts of caffeine so lovingly supplied by the local coffee shop.

Steve is the barista hopelessly in love with the fluffy haired, sleep deprived, genius.

It happens exactly the way you think it does.

A Common Folly by royal_chandler

Alongside the growing skirt of daylight, a miserable hangover had greeted Tony the next day. Steve sputtering through awkward morning-after talk had only made it worse, his hands a busy flurry in Tony’s face and dizzying. To save himself the trouble of lengthy jail time, Tony had smothered him with a cotton-dry mouth rather than with a pillow he’d been half-seriously contemplating. And after that? Well Tony discovered that he quite liked kissing Steve and being kissed by Steve.

Unforeseen Side Effects by Fickle_Obsessions

In a quick effort to make Loki docile, the Tony Stark releases an experimental drug that only effects Asgardians. It gets Thor too, but hey, he had no choice. It works a little too well. Loki goes from trying to destroy the world to braiding Thor's hair as well as other things. Steve helpfully sticks around and clutches his pearls while Tony waits for the drug to wear off.

(Shipping this forever old fic to live in the same stable as my other fillies.)

Not just a river in Egypt (Tony is most certainly not in denial) by theoddoodisnude

"You are most definitely not in love with me, Cap, what you are experiencing is called cabin pressure," Tony explains, because he has a rational train of thought and he's met enough shrinks to have figured out their tactics by now. "And possibly, you know, sexual frustration, because it doesn't matter at all that you're, like, America's national icon, Fury still won't let you out. I know that, I see that, I acknowledge your pain, I feel with you, Cap, believe me, I do. And I get it, because I am a very good-looking fellow and we spend a lot of time together, stuck in this tower, and it's easy to--"

"I am," Steve cuts off, equal parts amused and frustrated and concerned. "In love. With you. Tony, I'm in love with you."

The Next Great Baker by Tacuma

Tony has been asked to be in a judge in one of the episodes of 'The Next Great Baker'. He doesn't really want to go, until he tastes the amazing donuts of one of the contestants.

Messily by mattmurderock

Steve grunted softly and kissed Tony hard, pulling him close with one hand on his ass again and one now twining into Tony’s hair. They fell onto the bed like that, a heap of limbs and mouths and gasps. Tony could feel Steve everywhere, from the strong fingers slipping into the back of his slacks to the rock-hard cock pressing against his lower stomach. His veins sung with pleasure, his heart beating faster than a bullet train. His blood chanted 'Steve, Steve, Steve, St-'

Cuddling by ladyshadowdrake

The thing he missed the most about Pepper – okay, that was a lie, he missed almost everything about Pepper – but the thing he was really surprised that he missed was the cuddling. So it shouldn’t have been anything new when he realized that Steve didn’t like to cuddle.

A Thousand Lives by Neverever, Perlmutt

Steve is planning to ask Tony to the Homecoming Dance and Tony wants to ask Steve, but neither has found the courage to actually ask. Until Tony steals a cosmic cube from Fury's office and accidentally reveals the red string of fate that ties him and Steve together.

Optimistic Decompression by exfatalist

To destroy all records of the Superhuman Registration Act before they could fall into Norman Osborn's hands, Tony Stark deleted his brain. In so doing, he forgot a lot of very important - and very terrible - things that he did. His life since has been spent attempting to reconcile how much his friends seem to despise him and knowing, logically, that he could have only ever acted according to his best judgment.

And while no amount of sensory input could possibly bring back such irreparably lost data, nothing was ever logical about the quiet moments when two people lay entwined together.

Frosty the Snowman by Captain_Panda

What's the meaning of Christmas? What is it, really?

Could it be the toys on Christmas day?

Or the friends we made along the way?

Are its joys discovered in a pile of snow?

Or those things that cannot be tied with a bow?

If it's not at the bottom of a glass of eggnog:

Then the meaning of Christmas must reside in a dog.

(AKA: The Christmas story where Steve Rogers adopts a dog, makes some new friends, and discovers that being a Scrooge is impossible with Tony Stark around.)

[raphieeee]

It starts when Splinter calls Karai his daughter. The word rings out in his ears for the rest of the day and starts again the second he wakes up the next morning. “My daughter”. He doesn’t get why it bothers him so much at first, thinking it’s just jealously over having another sibling to fight attention for. It hits him when Casey and April are talking about a classmate and Casey refers to him as she and April corrects him to say he. He sits in silence for so long, just thinking about what that implies, that Leo notices and asks him what’s wrong. Raph, being as good of an actor as he is, just shouts some about wanting to be alone and running to the Dojo. He steals the computer and researches everything about genders and pronouns, eventually passing out with his head on the keyboard. It’s several weeks later, after contemplating for hours everyday and searching every site he could find, that he accepts what he’s been so confused about. As the family sets up for dinner, April and Casey included, Raphael stands awkwardly and coughs. Leo and Splinter look up first and are immediately at attention, worried at the almost scared look Raph holds. The others look up too and all of them are waiting for him to speak as he wrings his hands out in a nervous manner. Splinter stands and kneels in front of his child, the others coming to sit by the couch to see what’s wrong, “My son, what is the matter?” Raph flinches subtly, taking a deep breath and nodding as if deciding something. Voice shaky and quiet, something none of them have ever heard, Raph speaks, “I-I… I don’t… I don’t want to be a boy. I want to be… be like April, I- I wanna be a girl?” She says it like a question, asking for permission from her family. Shock passes all their faces as they process her words, Donnie, April and Casey understanding quickly, then Leo and Splinter and finally Mikey, who thought he meant she wanted to be human. Donnie and Casey give her almost proud smiles and nods, as if they’ve seen a big achievement happen in front of them. April looks like she might squeal, clearly excited. Mikey, who couldn’t care less what peoples genders are, tries to sneakily steal a slice off Leo’s plate. It’s Leo who walks up next to Splinter and puts a hand on her shoulder with a warm smile and says, “I kind of always wanted a sister.” Raph can’t stop from crying, especially as Sinter laughs a cheery sound and brings her into a hug, hand resting on her head as he squeezes. “Let me correct myself then, my daughter. There isn’t a thing wrong with you at all.” The insuring group hug has her sobbing with joy, something she would later deny ever happening. It’s take them a while, which she fully expected and understands, but eventually everyone gets used to calling her she. With discussions between her and her dad, she decides to keep Raph as her name but change her full name to Raphaela, not wanting a big change but wanting to distance herself from the more masculine original. It’s Leo’s idea to get her a longer mask and tie the end in a bow or cut multiple strands to braid it. Donnie confesses latter that he saw her searches on the laptop and deleted them so no one would see until she was ready, so he had already prepared some hormone injections if she wishes to trail them. Mikey is ready to beg and plead but doesn’t need to when he asks if he can paint her nails and use his old bracelet making kit to make (cool) jewellery for her. April and Casey buy her a giant dress that they cut to size so it will fit over her shell, which causes her brothers to demand they get clothes too. Splinter tries his best with his age and traditional lifestyle, which Raph knows and appreciates, loving it eveytime her father calls her daughter (she knows he calls her daughter more than he calls the others son just to reassure her). Raphaela was terrified to come out to her family, but as she sit on the couch sharpening her Sai’s with bright red nails and black eyeliner being done by her brother and Casey, she thinks the fear was worth it in the end.

[mercerislandbooks]

Book Notes: Funny Story

A new book from Emily Henry is the perfect way to finish up the month of April, and this is definitely one of those times when the bookseller perk of getting to read Funny Story early was a wonderful treat!

Daphne Vincent thought all the pieces of her life were falling into place. She’s engaged to a wonderful man, moved to his hometown of Waning Bay, Michigan, and landed her dream job as a children’s librarian. The wedding is only months away and Daphne is settling into her future when Peter comes home after his bachelor party and tells Daphne he’s leaving her. For his childhood best friend, Petra. Suddenly Daphne has a week to move out of the house that she thought she’d grow old in, but only has his name on the papers. And she’s trapped in Waning Bay until the end of the summer because of the Library Read-a-Thon, a fundraiser she’s been planning since she started her job. After that she can leave and never look back. Her ex’s new girlfriend not only participated in breaking up Daphne’s engagement, but she’s left her own boyfriend, Miles, behind to be with Peter. Daphne needs somewhere to stay, and Miles needs someone to cover the rent Petra is no longer paying. They say misery loves company and who better to be miserable with than the person in the same position you are?

Yet it takes being blindsided by invitations to Peter and Petra’s upcoming wedding to push Miles and Daphne into a building a tentative friendship. He's chaotic, she's buttoned up, but a drunken night out, two RSVP’s to the wedding neither of them want to believe is happening, and a teeny tiny little lie (they’re dating each other, they don’t need plus ones for the wedding) puts these roommates on the same team. Emily Henry excels at creating characters with good hearts trying to do their best in relationships while also working through the baggage of their past. In spite of his chaos, Miles is an absolute delight. When he finds out that Daphne is planning on leaving Waning Bay as soon as the summer is over, he takes it upon himself to share with her all the things he loves so much. His pleasure in life, even with his recent heartbreak, spills over into Daphne. As she makes friends of her own and finds her footing in Waning Bay, she starts to reconsider what might come next. I loved these characters and I loved their story and the audiobook is read by my favorite, Julia Whelan. What more could a romance-lover ask for?

To celebrate the release of Funny Story, Island Books also has some fun related merchandise for sale from Out of Print. T-shirts, tote bags and zip pouches, all in pops of color and just right to show off your Emily Henry love! I’ve snagged a T-shirt for myself, and am definitely eyeing a tote bag to pack up with spring and summer reading. Stop by Island Books and preorder your copy of Funny Story, out Tuesday, April 23rd. I can’t wait to hear what you think!

— Lori

[hollymbryan]

Blog Tour: Top 5 Reasons to Read THE REAPPEARANCE OF RACHEL PRICE by Holly Jackson! #tbrbeyondtours

Welcome to Book-Keeping and my stop on the TBR and Beyond Tours blog tour for The Reappearance of Rachel Price by Holly Jackson! I've got all the details on this taut and twisty YA thriller, which released yesterday, for you below, along with my top 5 reasons to read it!

About the Book

title: The Reappearance of Rachel Price author: Holly Jackson publisher: Delacorte Press release date: 2 April 2024

From the author of the multimillion bestselling A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder series and Five Survive comes a new true-crime fueled mystery thriller about a girl determined to uncover the shocking truth about her missing mother while filming a documentary on the unsolved case. Lights. Camera. Lies. 18-year-old Bel has lived her whole life in the shadow of her mom’s mysterious disappearance. Sixteen years ago, Rachel Price vanished and young Bel was the only witness, but she has no memory of it. Rachel is gone, long presumed dead, and Bel wishes everyone would just move on. But the case is dragged up from the past when the Price family agree to a true crime documentary. Bel can’t wait for filming to end, for life to go back to normal. And then the impossible happens. Rachel Price reappears, and life will never be normal again. Rachel has an unbelievable story about what happened to her. Unbelievable, because Bel isn’t sure it’s real. If Rachel is lying, then where has she been all this time? And – could she be dangerous? With the cameras still rolling, Bel must uncover the truth about her mother, and find out why Rachel Price really came back from the dead . . . From world-renowned author Holly Jackson comes a mind-blowing masterpiece about one girl’s search for the truth, and the terror in finding out who your family really is.

Add to Goodreads: The Reappearance of Rachel Price Purchase the Book: Amazon | B&N | Bookshop

About the Author

Holly Jackson is the author of the #1 New York Times bestselling series A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, an international sensation with millions of copies sold worldwide as well as the #1 New York Times bestseller and instant classic, Five Survive, and her forthcoming novel, The Reappearance of Rachel Price. She graduated from the University of Nottingham, where she studied literary linguistics and creative writing, with a master’s degree in English. She enjoys playing video games and watching true-crime documentaries so she can pretend to be a detective. She lives in London.

Connect with Holly: Twitter | Instagram | Goodreads

Top 5 Reasons to Read

There are *a lot* of reasons to love this latest book from YA thriller queen Holly Jackson, but I've tried to capture here my top 5 for you!

It's Holly Jackson. Enough said! I mean, not only does she have the best name (ha!), but she is quite possibly *the* reigning YA thriller queen! Seriously, I must not have even looked at the synopsis when I signed up for this, because I thought the title referred to a teen who'd gone missing--that's how eager I was to read the next HoJay book!

The book is a great examination of how our past traumas shape us, even if the event itself happens when we are far too young to actually remember it. Because trauma isn't just a one-time thing, is it? There are residual emanations that last--sometimes years, sometimes forever. Traumas shape who we are as people, and they affect our relationships with other people far into the future.

There is an amazing bond between Bel and her cousin Carter that I loved so much and just really had me missing my older sister.

The mystery is *so* well-done, I was quite literally oblivious until the moment Bel discovers the truth herself. And I'm not saying this in a cocky way, but that literally almost NEVER happens to me at this late stage in my life when I've read hundreds of mysteries and thrillers.

The book is a great examination of the lengths to which a parent/parents will go to protect their child. What do you do if you find yourself suddenly a single parent of a 2-year-old, with a missing spouse and suspicion on you for their disappearance? What would you do if that missing spouse suddenly reappears? What do you do if you are instead the missing spouse who has returned--do you tell your child the truth about what happened to you? So many points during this book had me questioning just what I would do for my own son!

Seriously, I cannot recommend this one highly enough. And in typical Holly Jackson fashion, it's not only twisty and thrilling but also deeply emotional. Also, she never writes as if teens are too young to handle the horrors of the world, which is one reason I especially love reading her books. Go pick this one up, you won't regret it!

Rating: 5 stars!

**Disclosure: I received an early e-copy from the publisher for purposes of this blog tour.

Make sure you check out the Bookstagram tour too! You can find my post here, and the full schedule is here.

[foxgloveinspace]

witchy Sleep Token experiences? 👀 it's my new fixation

(Edit: sequel to this ask)

Hi there! I debated for awhile about answering this, just because some of it is still so weird to even think about, talking about it was an interesting experience in itself. But I’m gonna lol.

I wanna start off by saying I think most of it heightened adhd symptoms, and my own witchy-ness. I don’t really think Sleep Token as anything going on (except maybe Vessel has some withy knowledge.) I also wanna say that I am a baby witch. I don’t practice often and most of my practice is gathering knowledge. I don’t live in a safe place to practice more then that. I’m almost more of an herbalist, then anything else. I firmly am of the opinion that Sleep Token is about personal experiences told through Story/Made up scenarios. I also think all of this is the universe bopping me over the head with a paper towel roll like ‘these guys are important to you, have some witchy stuff with them’ cause it knows I’ll like that. But now I have some weird witchy experiences to talk about lmao. There’s little ones I’m leaving out, and all of this is real, even tho it sounds Fake As Fuck.

This one I think is heightened adhd symptoms and my own woo woo stuff. I have this smell that I have up my nose sometimes it either happens when I’m minding my own business, and I’ll smell a light floral scent which makes me go ‘oh sleep token?’ And I either have to stop what I’m doing and listen to them or just think about them for a moment. Or it happens when I think about them deeply for long periods of time. It was very strong when I was writing on of the fics I wrote, like someone has stuck flowers under my nose. It’s an unknown floral scent to me. But I’m chalking this one up to mostly my adhd (with a bit of witchy thrown in) as I have physical things that happen to me when it comes to other special interests. (I feel like I’m getting hugged when I read the end of AftG, ect). But it’s just weird in they way it happens, and how heightened it is and since I can’t place the smell if I find out it it’s the light scent of for-get-me-nots I’m gonna flip my lid lol.

This next one is the strangest one. I remember it very clearly and I still kinda get a little freaked out. The day that I first listened to The Summoning was not long after it came out, I remember finding it through instagram and all the people making jokes about how Sleep Token where insuring that metal heads where gonna have a great Valentine’s Day and babies in November. So I go over to my music app, and I start it up, and immediately I’m like ‘is this even the same song?? Idk I love it tho.’ And then of course it gets to the end and yeah it’s that song. Instantly in love with it and start playing it on repeat but decided I’d wait until I had more spoons to listen to the rest of their discography, and I never look at what bands look like anymore? I let go of looking into bands when I let go of kpop and of course I didn’t end up having the mental energy for looking into a new band until April when I became a changed person lmao. I remember this so clearly, it was a Saturday, I was out shopping late with my family, I was already overstimulated, and this happened in a run down Dollar Tree parking lot with overcast sky’s as it started getting dark out. I listened on repeat while we started heading home. I got a migraine on the way home, not a bad one, (and at the time I didn’t even know that’s what it was, I’ve only recently been like ‘oh I get migraines??’) and so I sat there with my eyes closed, and in the visual disturance/aura, I saw Vessel. And it’s still freaky to think about, I get slight chills up my spine. I don’t normally have figures in my auras, it’s usually just splotches of flashing green and purple. But in the middle of my vision, was a hooded man, and only the lower half of his face was visible and his eyes. It was…. Really fucking weird, and when I put two and two together I just kinda had to be still for awhile (I think I was doing the dishes??) yeah, that was the big one that I’ve had, and it sounds so fake, oof.

I think I’ll leave it there, I’ve had some other small ones that could be chalked up to adhd but I like to think of them as witchy. I might talk about them some other time tho.

[kaikai69]

Sometimes I remember how autistic people like myself are said to have a weird pain scale, but then I remember I was a case study last year because of how weird my body decided to be.

So, last year around April I started having pain in my lower back, side, and tummy and I was like “my dad’s had kidney stones before, this is probably what I have.” So, I go to the after hours in my area and they’re like “yeah ur probably having a kidney stone. We can’t confirm it but you’ll live.” Cool, I can still go to work still. So, every couple of weeks no matter what I’m still having the reoccurring pain and I’m like “guess this is my life now.” So, I keep having horrible pain every once in a while and peeing blood, but since I can still work I don’t have to really do anything about it.

So, I’m cleaning my house while in pain and my body just kinda powers off. Luckily, my darling dearest partner heard the thud and sat me up while calling my dad. He’s never passed out from a kidney stone so he’s now saying to go to the er. I, however, have a massive fear of needles and knew if I went in I’d have to get an IV, so I decided to go to after hours again. I wanted to make an appointment with my doctor but my darling partner said “hun, she’s not in today it’s Saturday,” and I’m like “oh yeah. I guess after hours is ok, I just have to pee in a cup.”

So, we get there, I pee in a little cup and have a little faint in the waiting room and the doctor says “I can’t force you but I think you should go to the er.” Now, I haven’t eaten and would love nothing more than to succumb to the sleepy feeling I have and have a chicken wrap, so I flipped a coin to decide if I needed to go to the er or not. The doctor looked horrified until I said it was on heads so I had to go. So, I’m taken into the er (my third trip there that year) and they’re doing their thing and trying to find out what’s wrong with me. They ask me the pain scale question and I have no clue how to answer, so they give me liquid Tylenol while they do a bunch of scans n stuff.

It’s about 10pm and I just wanna go home at this point, but a doctor comes in and is like “hey, your appendix is inflamed and can burst at any time so we’re gonna take it out in the morning. Please don’t eat or drink anything after 12 tonight. So, I’m very upset and send my love out for a chicken wrap I can demolish before 12 and my mom and dad stay with me talking about the procedure and how I’ll be out in like a day or two. I’m just happy to get food, but the doctor tells me not to eat too much, so I ask “oh so call the injured one fat I get it,” which made them laugh and set the tone for my hospital stay.

So, next day comes and I’m just like “ok cool laparoscopic surgery. I’ll be out for a week, but what’s the worst that can happen?” So they get me prepped, I’m loopy but asking the nurses how they are and trying to be nice because they deal with a lot and I respect their field of work. Soon they put me under after reassuring me that I’ll be ok and it’s just a small surgery. My next memory is waking up on the table, looking up to seeing a lot of doctors standing over me so obviously I laugh and say “omg it’s like the show house,” and promptly get knocked back out.

So, I wake up again on the way to my hospital room and apparently I get bumped into a door and threaten to give them a knuckle sandwich (I’m a pacifist, my whole family knows this and are cracking up). My grandpa and grandma get there soon and my grandpa sees how miserable I look and got some extra blankets. He’s tucking me in and I look at him in tears and ask him to cover my toes so “the devil doesn’t suck on them,” which would’ve been funny I guess if my grandma wasn’t at the foot of my bed. Sorry grandma.

The doctor comes in and he’s like “I am so sorry but you are very weird. Wanna see your staples?” Now, in case yall don’t know, laparoscopic surgeries do not use staples, so obviously I’m a little confused. He reveals I have a large scar from the lowest part of my tummy to a little below my diaphragm, so obviously I ask if he took some fat out too. He laughs and then explains my surgery was the weirdest he’d ever done because:

1. My appendix was way too high up to be normal

2. The little tube connecting it to the large intestine was so small it practically didn’t exist

3. I had the appendix of a 6 year old

So, clearly, I had a lot going on. Looking back, it explains why so many doctors were just looking into my stomach with shocked expressions and why every nurse and doctor introduced themself and proceeded to ask a bunch of questions. I, being the creepy weirdo I am, ask if I can see my appendix but I’m told the lab wouldn’t give it back because they’re testing it and showing some classes. Still sad I never saw it in person, but oh well.

So, weeks pass by and they’re keeping a watchful eye on me. The hospital stay was nice and I talked about anime a lot with some of the nurses, but eventually I’m sent home and told to not lift more than 5lbs for 6 weeks. I am going insane because I loved my job and wanted to go back but eventually toward the end of the 6 weeks my surgeon is like “hey, come with me to my office I’ve gotta show you this.”

So I follow my organ thief and he then shows me medical records and reports on my appendix. This bitch was not, in fact, the size of a six year old’s but was actually half digested. What had apparently happened was that my appendix ruptured in April, and somehow was just eating itself to fix it? The surgeon had never seen it before and told me few people have this happen. He also informed me my body was fighting sepsis for months which made my immune system very poor (it still is but it’s improving!). Then, I’m told that I’ve been written about as a case study by several students and I am “not as human as I look,” which makes me sound like a cryptid which is cool af.

Now, you would think, “Kai, you literally almost died,” and you would be right, but the most I had ranked my pain was a 3. In hindsight, that’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, but honestly with the pain and sleepiness I had I felt like 3 was the best answer for pain. Luckily, nurses looked at my file and were like “this bitch doesn’t understand pain” so they gave me pain meds that actually help instead of Tylenol, but they were still very surprised with my antics.

Tldr: my appendix ruptured and tried eating itself, nearly killed me, and I ranked my pain as a 3 because I rank my pain by “I’m fine” or “hopitle.” Thanks, autism, for my pain defying gift!

[chaosslibrarian]

So like deciding to be a single mom of choice is one thing

Deciding to do it

Picking a timeframe

And it’s not that long from now?

It’s terrifying. Not in the way that I’ll change my mind but in the way that it makes it so much more real. Like I’m arranging my life and making plans to fit a child into it.

Now I’m at the stage where I’m seeing how I can accommodate a child in my apartment. I live in a studio & don’t plan on moving for another 5 years. I’m decluttering in stages & planning what needs to fit and how.

Also, figuring out finances and what things will cost. I’m definitely not good with money, so I’m really doing my best to be better. I’m not bad in the way that anyone would suffer for it, I just get carried away sometimes lol. It’s all about my autism and ADHD and the skill loss I’ve suffered from burnout.

That’s another thing that I need to be mindful of. It’s a risk I get burnt out again, but I also learnt a lot from my burnout and am much better at accepting help, seeing my limits, and knowing why there are limits. I’m less harsh on myself about preforming in specific ways and instead setting realistic goals and methods to get there.

My personal goal is to apply for the wait list at the start of next year or around this time next year.

It needs to be at least 6 months from my heart surgery, which I hope I will have this summer or early fall.

I expect the wait times to be: 3-4 months for first appointment, 6 months for appointment at the specialist clinic (bc AuDHD and previous burnout etc.), 1-2 months waiting for approval, and 3-5 months to get started. Basically 13-17 months from getting okay (so 14 months-18 months for first cycle?). Some have said wait times have reduced, some stages could go much faster.

I’d say 8 months is likely the fastest it could happen. So if I have my heart surgery in July I can apply in February, and if I’m lucky I’ll get started by November 2025. This would actually be the best possible scenario for me, and the one I hope for. Imagine I’d get pregnant in November and be due in August 2026, with mat leave that would also be fantastic.

The two scenarios I’d rather not be in: due in November, or be in my 1st trimester in early April 2026 (for reasons). But you get what you get. I would be thrilled to be pregnant by then, and if I am as lucky and fertile as the rest of my family I likely will be, lol. Doing IUI you just can’t be sure!! I’d do IVF but I’m not eligible for that until 3-4 failed IUI cycles (which I’d expect is about 6-8 months bc possible missed ovulations during weekends and holidays, plus needing rest between).

A part of me just wants to get started because once I’m there I wish I could just… start, but there’ll be a lot of waiting. There’s a big chance that my surgery is in the autumn, I’ll then have an 18 month wait, and after that struggle to get pregnant and need IVF. If the IVF would be successful first try that’d be like… 2+ years, so in 2028!! But, I have a sister who expected to take years to get pregnant because of this worst case scenario belief… and got pregnant first try before she was actually properly ready. So I would rather it take until I’m 36 than to be too premature.

Just waiting to hear back from the surgery team to find out when I get my heart surgery so I can recover properly and be ready.

[killianglyndon]

can’t wait until summer vacation when i can FINALLY read those paperbacks i bought, i’m DYING to finish acomaf, i haven’t read a page since maybe end of the april and im so so excited to find out what happened after feyre found out she and rhys are mates, i’m like 100 pages away from the ending🥹🥹🥹

honestly may has been really busy for me, i’ve been studying my ass off for the finals which is next week, and ive had diarrhea since yesterday 🫠🫠 i mean i’m feeling a little better now but it hasn’t ended yet, ugh i can’t wait until this semester is over 😭😭

[pastorsperspective]

Only Love Today

A sunshiny Friday to you all! It’s been a while since we’ve been here. I took some vacation time and now I am back to discuss some sermons we’ve missed, and of course, the most recent sermon. If we back up to our last blog, the next topic should have been coverage of our Rooted service on April 30th. I did sit down with Pastor Chad to discuss this and the future of Rooted. That blog will be saved until just before the next Rooted Worship service on July 30th. It’s one you won’t want to miss! Worship will be provided by our very own Randi Fry and Sandra Dixon! I can’t wait!

Currently we are in a sermon series titled: Our Sacred Guide, with May 7th being Walk in Your Way. Which you can revisit here: https://fb.watch/kCcJbWCs_e/ And May 11th being Shout to The Lord. Which you can listen to here: https://fb.watch/kCcNrIwfN-/  So, let’s dive right in!

I need to back up just a little bit to cover some of the previous sermon as well today because, as you know, I was out for a bit and we did not get a chance to discuss it. That sermon title was Our Sacred Guide: Walk In Your Way and was largely about how we need to repent and follow the laws of God and allow God to be God in our lives. The humbling reality of knowing that everything we do is worth nothing without God; that we actually don't do anything of true value apart from God is very sobering.

Do you think that some could find that discouraging? Depressing?

I'm not sure how they would find it as such. Sure, I could see where that might be a temptation, but the reality is that this should be an encouragement. I think when we begin to feel depressed or discouraged about this, we need to ask ourselves why we are feeling this way. In essence, why is pride beginning to be part of your thought process? Pride is all about us, it's the ME mentality. When we begin to think I do this, I was the reason this happened, I... I.... I... Christianity calls us to live far beyond the I and live more in the 'we', 'us', and 'Body of Christ'. When we embrace the reality that we are part of something much bigger than ourselves, the 'I' begins to drift away. It is also a call to serious contemplation about the reality that what we do either glorifies God or it doesn't. To be discouraged or depressed by this is really just us trying to feel bad because it is not about 'I' and is instead about God. This is where the breakdown needs to happen. When we can move beyond this and feel a sense of deep gratitude for the love and grace of God in our lives, amazing new doors can open.

Or is that the Point? To remind us how very much we NEED the Holy Spirit to be ever present in our lives?

Absolutely yes! I answered this in length above, but it is humbling to know that we are truly only inclined towards sin and evil but grace opens us up to use our free will for good. When we look at the world around us, it’s easy to think "well this is just how it is" or "God has simply abandoned us," or "Faith is dying." I think it is much different, we have lost sight of the reality that we as humans are only and ever capable of doing the greatest harm ever, but it is by God's grace that goodness and staying in love with God flourishes.

Jumping into this last sermon, definitely so much of what you were saying about a mother's struggle reminded me of how much I need Jesus every single day! How funny that you should preach about the need to stop worrying to a room filled with mothers on Mother's Day!

Don't you know that it's a mother’s primary duty to worry? Well, to worry and to pray. Seriously though, how do you suggest we turn that innate nature off?

First, I think this is a process. It takes time and constant back and forth trying to move beyond a place of constant worry, doubt, and fear. But this is not how Jesus wants us to live our lives. We squander away our lives in worrying and doubting and living in fear when the reality is so much that we spend this time on cannot be changed and we pray for the wisdom to know the difference between this and what we can change. Sure, Mother's need to watch over their families and this is a good and joyful thing, but that's not what I'm talking about. When we look back upon our lives I wonder how much of it we will go "Wow, I missed so much because I was worried about things that were outside of my control, worked themselves out in the end, and sometimes ended up being the biggest blessing ever. Again, it is a shift from the "I" mentality to the "Me and God by the Holy Spirit" mentality.

You shared stories about missed moments and regrets, of how worry robbed people of their "now". Do you have any tips on things that work for you to be more present in the moments? Or any tips you've read recently that you'd like to give a try?

I love what my spiritual advisor in seminary taught me to remember "We are human BEINGS not human DOINGS!" He also shared as an example, "when we wash dishes, we should be so in the moment that we wash dishes just for the simple and pure joy of washing the dishes. Not to finish the dishes, to get to the next task, to get to the next task, and so on and so forth." So, I find keeping this in mind works greatly. I also love to say the thank you prayer in times of difficulty and joy. Take a moment to stop and say a quick thank you to God for something. Set a Reminder on your phone to stop and pray. At the end of the day, we will do what we intentionally set time aside to do, so set time aside to stop and smell the roses.

Follow up question from an online viewer: When Jesus says that it's not for you to know the time and date, is that like when we say "Because I said so?" When He tells His disciples to go and wait for the gift, which is the Holy Spirit, how does that work for us today? Because they had to go and wait for it, when we accept Jesus, we are supposed to be filled with the Holy Spirit? Do we already have it? Do we always have it?

So yes!!!! I think this is absolutely what Jesus is saying. So, the Holy Spirit is constantly at work in our lives and upon belief, we welcome the Spirit into our lives to live and dwell within us guiding us and leading us. I think for them (pre-Pentecost) this was a wait and receive kinda thing. They received at Pentecost all that was ever needing in their lives and likewise in our belief we receive all that we ever need as well.

I would like to believe that includes the grace and the patience to stop worrying about all the things that I don’t need to worry about, as a mom, or otherwise as well. The presence of mind to allow myself to be more in the moments and less in the past or in the future. It brings to mind a writer, Rachel Macy Stafford and a book I read several years ago titled Only Love Today: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love. If you struggle with bringing yourself into the present moments, I know I do, I highly recommend this book. It’s geared towards moms and given we just had Mother’s Day and it’s a relevant topic, I feel confident in my recommendation.

Until next week, stop and smell the roses Ya’ll!