#i called work im not coming in today
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my godmother died shortly before christmas. i received the memorial card just now. i feel so empty.
#how dare she#die before my mother#what kind of fucked up thought is that#i dont know what to do with myself#i called work im not coming in today#i feel so cold#hollow#like#rip#i sobbed for two minutes and then it just stopped#and now im#i say things here#personal#very personal#tmi#to delete later#i dont need anyone to say anything about this#just needed to get it off my chest#what do i do now#i have so much shit to do#what for
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if I said eisa davis' influence in making lmm actually write something rather radically progressive has subsequently inspired me to return to my roots of actually fucking thinking of making radically progressive musicals after a 3-year long hiatus in doing so, then what-
#thdjdjd i dunno like gjdjd#look warriors did something fucking weird to my brain#it brought me back to when i first was obsessed with WATT when i was 16#and hamilton when i was 13#like it makes me wanna write again#and now with eisa davis proving that Radically Progressive Ideas In Art Can Fucking Work If You Have The Balls#im um#really thinking about going back WHAHAHA#might rework Patron the musical into a concept album idea of sorts#side a being life as a filipino student who learns the ins and outs of activism and ndmos here#side b being their counterpart who is a writer that struggles against being indocrinated by um neo-colonialist capitalist beliefs#all that comes with prolonged exposure to the bubble of privilege in the phililpines#(especially the role that the US capitalism plays in it hahahahaha we haven't forgotten about that)#basically not exactly a princess and the pauper situation but um just two people on different sides of the same coin#and its meant to be an exploration of my experiences in college#both in terms of my activism#and me being made to mind the line at times as a communication student and a writer#its like splitting myself into two and making them butt heads PFFT but yea#and I call it Patron because Side A (Filipino) is inspired from the concept of patron saints ('who dies for us? who do we die for?')#(pronounce side A as PAH-tron with a roll to that R)#and Side B is um what are the privileges and pitfalls of foreign patronage?#(yes this is inspired by um some filipinos being so enamored by socio-economic privilege upon stepping foot in amerca that they forget-#where they came from)#anyways thats ny tiny ramble for today im gonna get back to wofk#personal shit#voila the return of the izzy idea rambles
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they tried delivering the second of my two peter hammill tour posters today but for some fucking reason it requires a signature. a poster. a piece of paper rolled up in a tube for which i paid less than $100. please just give me the poster. please. i am so tired
#i can only imagine its because its coming from greece but like. whyyyy..#the other one was from england and they just left it on the front porch. like everything else i get......#anywya im making my mom go get it from the post office while im at work bc the office closes before i get off#and she has to take the physical notice they gave me with my signature on it she cant even sign on my behalf#i would just ask them to deliver it again tomorrow and ask to call me so i can get it but i dont trust them to actually call me lol#(i work in another building behind my house and idk if anyone will be near the front door or home at all when they knock)#(so the delivery guy would HAVE to call me or else i wont know theyre there. like today!!)#and i will actually start throwing things if they send it back to athens. so im not risking it#'good story twig' THANKS!!!!!#a beast that can talk#babble burble banter
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I made the mistake about thinking about the staffing situation at work this morning
#personal whining#i am strait up not having a good time y'all#we have every single person on staff working today#but irs still a dumpster fire#my one coworker with heart disease has been out of it since before lunch#but wont just fucking go home#meanwhile were all scared shes having some kind of cardiac event#we even called the fire department to come check her out#so i guess at least shes not actively having a heart attack#they finally fixed the drivethru window#but the scanner at yhat register isnt working#sovdrive thru is still down#meanwhile im still pissed that corporate somehow thinks we can run a whole ass pharmacy with 4 people
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so my present for christmas this year was a pc (my first one ever!!!!!), specifcally going half an half on the payments and its running super well, just has some bits like bluetooth n wifi that need to be handled externally (wifi works semi ok bc it has the driver but not the usb it needs to properly work) since its refurbished from a super old model (they stopped in either 2013 or 2017 i dont remember off the top of my head) BUT the main reason i got this was so i could do stuff like blender and drawing and animation on it with less worries about space and functionality (blender makes my laptop flicker after a while for example) so really really looking forward to starting on things
#i feel so smart for fguring out what is going on with the drivers and stuff there was only minimal looking up i already knew most of what i#have to do yippeeee#csp is installed and upgraded to 2.0 as a little treat to me for the holidays AND im pretty sure my drawing tablet has a cd to install that#driver sooooo i dont need an internet connection too much just for the brushes but the dongles should be coming ether today or tomorrow#so im gonna be chilling with my laptop to listen to music n stuff while i work through the sketch comms i got and some of my own stuff too#getting back into the groove i love drawing so much#buuut rn im stretching my hands properly bc i was a fool and played video game on my self ban from drawing so my thumb is acting up still#at least i have disco elysium working well and can play that instead next time i do a ban since i can play that without my drawing hand#perks of being left handed i guess#where was i going with this?#right yes#i'm looking forward to trying a lot of new things in 2025 art wise#might try streaming too it looks so fun#just doodling clone armour for a first one most likely with no mic bc i dont live alone and my mother loves to call for me randomly and is#usually playing her tv shows fairly loudly
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everybody ive ever told abt my thing that toothpaste does to me sometimes has been like ?? maybe i should see a doctor
#the thing is i get sick#ive been doing better with myy teeth and finally was able to buy toothpaste again bc i needed it and was so happy to feel the mint taste#well here comes this little buddy called hole in my throat feeling with how it burns. it came the day after to Kill me#my sinuses r so stuffed i feel it in my head and eyesockets#it's goig to start pooling out my nose soon i feel it#and that's gross bc i have to work tomorrow and i handle food#sniff sniff here's ur fries sniff Snort#also im getting the sickies deliriousness i dont think ive formed an actual thought that maade any sense for a while#loll...#thought it was jsut something up with me today .. no......#micetalk
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I'm so stressy today
#I have one interview#2 calls to discuss the jobs with the managers#need to see friends i havent seen in years straight after work#one giant meeting to discuss my job at the moment for them to give us an update#because weve heard nothing about us#maintance is finally fixing the water damage and we have no idea when theyre coming#what if it overlaps with my interview#i ughh#im so anxious#sorry i havent gotten back to pals yet#i need today to be over so i can breathe a little
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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i know that graduating one semester later is not that big of a deal and i haven't made any plans about what comes next so it doesnt even make a difference. so why does it feel just so terrible
#there are no chances of us finishing the thesis on time#i mean the presentations are only until the 24th so we should have already be done with it#but miss girlie said one week ago that she'd add her parts of the introduction and today i asked her and she said she'll do it tomorrow#and then there's the results and conclusions which i havent even started yet cause im a complete idiot and ive wasted so much time#and i very much doubt she has written anything about them yet#which okay i understand that she is working and i know working σεζον isnt easy#but she could have at least done a copy paste#whatever#i need to at least focus on the exam#i only have a few more slides but i started feeling a panic attack coming so i took a break to try and stop it from coming#if anyone knows how to stop that little voice in your head that always tells you how big of a failure you are please lmk 🙃#okay gonna go finish#then I'll cook lunch and maybe if i spend the rest of the day writing we'll make some progress#maybe we can ask for an extension? idk. i doubt she has even bothered calling the professor even tho she said she was going to#whatever im so done with everything#not looking for pity just needed to complain about it#which seems to be the only thing ive been doing sooo yup#okay going fr now#jo says stuff#university update
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sickening that i so badly want to call off work & have even set it up so that i will have the easiest time doing it. and i dont care about this job. and yet. the horrors persist
#does one not bring habits#its bc its breaking rules and god forbid i break a rule or commitment EVEN THO I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE ON SCHEDULE TODAY#like god pls why cant u fuck off for one minute and let me like ur average human person call in sick from work huh#literally babe u see ppl straight up no call no show you have been putting ur pussy in to acting sick#yesterday ppl were saying u should ask to go home early! come on#anyways im gonna do it or ill dox myself to let ppl hit me with hammers bc i deserve the day off
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( litle album cover i made for my iono playlist........... work goes faster when i listen to music so im workin on her playlist. im still addin stuff but i like it so far + rly like the lil cover i did rq )
#eyestrain tw -#ooc; off the rails#my edits#ill try to finish my inbox call later!!! actual iono replies will slowly come during the week i think + mostly queued bc its easier for me#( post before this one shld be the call if anyone wants to go back for it )#spacing ionos stuff out is good i think bc her muse is sooooo??? she comes n goes#overall tho i want emmet on the brain today after work#since i wanted to do stuff w him for like 2 days in a row but just couldnt bc Brain#unrelated but i actually cannot believe iono isnt a more popular muse???#ive seen 2 other iono rpers in my entire life. just two#how are there not 800 blogs for this woman#anyway dare i make a roxie x iono playlist after this i s2g its the only iono ship im passionate about and theyve never interacted in canon#anyway anyway first 2 songs on the list are my biggest iono insp songs
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survived the world's longest tuesday 😓
#i think my cold is actually the flu 😭#called out for tomorrow even tho i hateee doing that#my coworker kept saying at the end of the day she wouldn't be mad if i left early or called out for tomorrow tho and i feel truly awful#like miserable cold symptoms plus a really bad headache#😖#i ordered gf pizza for pizza day at work tomorrow for the first time which i was really lookong forward to :(#i'll ask her to put it in the fridge for me i guess and hopefully i'll be better by friday? idk#i've been going in on the weekends to give the classroom fishie medicine so even if im not better friday i could get it saturday#without infecting everyone lol#idk i just feel so terrible i cant even comprehend going in tomorrow at this point 🤧#which i hate doing but i gotta#alas#i just worry everyone hates me and is mad at me when i call out#so normally only do it if im literally puking#bc its childcare and people get sick but generally need u working#but everyone here is so nice there's no actual pressure to come in sick im just worried everyone will hate me#bc my last two jobs were like that lol#but im aware normal people at normal jobs can do this#and this job is very nice so its fine#this has been a shitpost#anyway drew a miserable coffee cat bc that was me at work today
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#i really hate not being able to tell if someone is flirting with me or not#like i have a massive crush on this guy at work and i genuinely cant tell if hes just really friendly or trying to flirt with me#he does technically have a girl he is with but this man literally threw his clipboard to the floor to bear hug me today#we also share candy and snacks with eachother all the time#he is goofy as hell and tries to make me smile and im someone who doesnt smile much naturally so he is pretty good at getting me to smile#he also sends me snaps of him singing to songs#he loves talking to me about random shit whenever we pass by eachother when working#we literally showed eachother selfies we had saved of ourselves and he called several of mine cute#girl help im dumb does he like me or not#im too scared to ask and get rejected but hot damn do i want this man#literally like also things are kinda rocky with his girl bc she tried breaking up with him but now things are cool between them#but then he comes into work and he does shit like this and im so confused#i dont know ugh like bro if youre actually flirting with me you gotta be straight forward im autisitc and nervous#also one time i warmed his hands with my hands when he had to work in the freezer and he came right out to me because his fingers were numb#does he like me back or not please help
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Finally fixating on some nugget relationships that aren't horrible for everyone I love friendship <3
#rat rambles#I feel like Ive mentioned them before but Ive been rotaing them in my head so hard today#jacob dexter besties arc <3333 and also piper ig :/#they're all friends I just have favorite children (even tho Im pretty sure piper is the one whos been around the longest)#theres nothing super deep going on with them they're just bros who like to hang out drink and have game nights sometimes#but I likes them. they're silly :3#I need to dexter post more often yes they basically do nothing but be their friends supply guy but I love her sm#I used to be painfully neutral on him until I started lor at which point she grew on me hard and its only been getting worse#shes a mess who is squeamish and easily grossed out (rip bozo) and also an alcoholic (rip bozo) and also loves gambling (rip bozo)#hes surprisingly not doing as bad as youd think theyd be considering the everything tho#mostly because theyre good with tech and also are very good at breaking rules without getting too punished#but also because of their friends ig. eyeroll.#jacob also has a lot of bullshit going on as he is one of the poor souls who for a time caught yuri's attention but hes managing#and by managing I do mean on the verge of a breakdown at all times and holding on by a thread because he does not need to have juliet's#wrath added to his ever growing list of problems and traumatic events#again having positive relationships does also help but hes easily the least stable of the crew#to be clear theyre not like. super close? they hang out and play games and shit but they generally treat their hang outs as escapism so#they rarely talk much abt themselves on a personal level with eachother#which is fine they still value eachother a lot and genuinely enjoy eachothers company#although they are a bit recklessly fond of eachother considering their situation Id say. thankfully they dont get punished for it tho.#if one of them Had died and not instantly got brought back I do think the other two would fully lose it#the closest this ever got to happening in game was me not realizing dexter (level 5 employee btw) had gotten eaten by the wolf#and almost moving to the next day before realizing she had died#and do note this was like at the point in the game where I was just about done preparing to start the last 5 days this was Late late game#but autism be damned my boy can fuck up one of the easiest waws#(not a boy tbc)#honestly its kind of a miracle I never let piper die I Really didnt care abt him before the other two boosted him by proxy#well tbf he was for a good while one of like. two ppl I had in training. and they also are in little red gear. so they Did have value. ig.#piper comes from category of nugget I had in my early game that I liked to call bodyguards#basically I had one or two guys per department who actually did work and then another guy or two to be extra fire power
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moodboard
#personal#GODDDDDDD fuck ive thrown up three or four times today and have had horrible other stomach problems and now on top of all that im pretty#sure this has exacerbated my period symptoms bc now my lower back hurts like hell and my legs are so achy and every time istand up i get#lightheaded#it took me a fucking hour to make a smoothie for myself bc i kept feeling weak and at one point had to run upstairs to Expel My Insides in#the middle of it#also all of this means no auditions for me today 👍🏻 messaged director to let her know i wouldn’t be coming in and also to ask her to tell#stage manager that despite my bailing on this i do plan to be involved in crew still 👍🏻 since the stage manager told me she’d see me at#auditions since she’s part of the audition committee. anyway director messaged back saying i could do an email audition which was very#nice of her so i guess im supposed to send a vid of me singing + reading some sides + following a choreographed routine once she sends me#the guide for that which she said she would do later… since she like just said that im guessing it will be like 9 at least by the time she#gets it to me so hopefully it’s fine if i do that tmrw morning instead of tonight bc i don’t want to disturb my roommates#<- we are all students btw sorry this is making it sound like i have a weirdly informal relationship w the audition committee#the music chronicles#anyway also emailed asking if i could take work off tmrw bc i still feel like shit and don’t want them scrambling to figure out the#schedule tmrw morning if i had called then instead. they haven’t replied yet tho#also i feel like. sick bc tmrw is MLK jr day and like what if theyre thinking i thought we had the day off and am now finding out we don’t#and just spitting out an excuse to not come in bc i made plans for it or smth… ugh#lke it would be fine if it were just this but I also requested Feb 7 off not long ago and last week my testing went so overtime like they#are going to think im slacking so bad… :/#i am straight up not having a good time ‼️#cw emetophobia#also if i am still sick tmrw that means no working on crony with lab partner either since we meet on mondays ☹️ was looking forward to that#even if im not sick actually i still shouldn’t go bc i called off work and we work on it in the same building as my workplace so if they#saw me that wouldn’t be great#the engineering chronicles
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#first week of work done 💪💪💪#i think im already getting used to it oohohooho#n now that ive solved my job problem... there is the issue of my guy problem JDJDJDJDJJD#well its not a problem but u know what i mean NDNDNDNNDNDNDN#i wanna see him...... probs gonna ask if he wants to hang out with me n our other friend soon... n then after that i'll probs ask to hang#out one on one. i think we're almost ready NDNDNDNDMSMS#god im just. im in so much disbelief#like i was sitting at my desk today on my work laptop n had to have discord open#n hes like. usually top 3 in my message history or whatever you call it. and i was like god how surreal is it#that i like. open discord n there he is like ..... thats Crazy#i cant believe how far weve come like. i can just message him whenever n xhrkdkxjdjdd its so WEIRD#this time last year i was literally trying so hard to get over him LMAO. like girl if only you KNEW he was gonna become one of ur#good friends.... god. hes so cute i wanna keep him forever NDJDZJZJZJZMZM#personal
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