#i beg of you not to harass me for this

[urpersonalpublicgalaxy]

ranboo fanart? in this day and age? more likely than youd think

the fella, and the sketch

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Man. How did I forget that an entire subplot of Dazai's main story was just. Trying to trap him into having a single conversation with MC like a normal person I'm so akhdjgfkljshgskjd

I just love watching her, Arthur, and Isaac deadass plot with glee to get one over on Dazai it's killing me, this is some Hamlet level shit (no Charles do not stand behind the curtain to kill Dazai coming in the window!!! yamero!!!!!)

Also because I felt personally attacked (/j) when Isaac said this:

I love you Isaac but pls have mercy on creatives we only have one brain cell and we're trying s o hard oTL

Although, and I'll leave it under the cut since I'm back on my Comte-posting, but the way Comte talks about Dazai fascinates me. Also just as fair warning, I do broach a lot of the topics that come up in Dazai rt so trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, CPTSD and PTSD, trauma, etc. I don't go too too in-depth, but they are there.

Comte: "Dazai is quite skilled at concealing what he's really feeling, even from himself, perhaps."

The way he instantly remarks on how Dazai is not only working to conceal what he feels from others, but also from himself. Tbh I think that's enormously perceptive, because at first glance most people tend to think Dazai is lazy, troublesome, flippant, or erratic (and sometimes, a combination of all of these).

I love that he sees to the core of who Dazai is and what he's feeling; fear. Dazai is afraid of hurting someone again, but I also think on some level he's made it an ontological problem; he's afraid of himself. He thinks his very existence is a negative entity, something that exists only to hurt and/or estrange other people, something wrong/different. I'd argue that's why he's so adamant about mood-making and keeping to himself. If you never express how you truly feel or live true to yourself, on some level you can't entirely reach others. Because fundamentally, being close to other people does require some level of lowered defenses and sharing. Ergo, never dwell too long or give too much of yourself away, never make a mark on anyone--good or bad.

As a side note, Theo calls him "a half-strewn dandelion puff" and I agree that's rather blunt, but on some level Theo operates on a level of utility. His entire operating precept is that life and work must serve a discrete purpose. And Dazai, in choosing to opt out of living with meaning/intent out of fear, makes this description entirely consistent with Theo's perspective of the world. Though his phrasing is harsh and perhaps one-dimensional, I do find it interesting that he comes to a similar conclusion as Comte as to what Dazai is doing.

Comte talks about it with such clarity and calm, he really does feel so parental in this moment. He's not necessarily minimizing the reality of how Dazai is experiencing the world, but he also clearly doesn't agree with Dazai's self-perception. Perhaps most striking to me is how Comte seems to understand that the only threat Dazai poses is to himself...Sometimes it feels like, in the case of conditions like mental illness/depression/etc. people are so eager to assume ill will of a person. This is only exponentially compounded if they prove to have striking intelligence and strategic capacity, the same way Dazai does. I guess I can't help but appreciate that Comte knows the difference between strong and scared, and even how the lines between the two can and often do blur (perhaps best exemplified in his relationships with Jeanne and Dazai).

(Side note: I forgot which event it was but, one time when Dazai was homesick for cherry blossom watching, Comte had the entire house filled with flowers to cheer him up [insert ugly sobbing]).

For someone so enigmatic, evasive, and distant, Comte still notices instantly that Dazai is much, much happier with MC. I suppose it makes me wonder if Comte knew all along that Dazai's real wish was to be accepted and loved as he was, but kept quiet out of respect for his privacy. I would offer too that sometimes people need to realize these things on their own for the information to have value.

But what really gets my ass is what Comte says right after:

This is my bread and butter (so is he but that's not the point of this particular TED talk). In the last few years I've done a lot of exploratory work on how trauma is mapped both internally but also visibly on the body. What I think is engaging here is that, while it could be read on a surface level as "body language gives people's true intentions away" I don't think that's quite what he's getting at. Or perhaps better phrased, it's an oversimplification. I don't think it's that body language can't communicate real and important information about people's lives. Rather, that people associate rigid and absolutist interpretations to singular mannerisms, which does a disservice to both parties. Nobody can know a person at a glance; to say that you do reduces the lived reality of the opposite party.

Comte gives simple examples and couches his words for the context of the moment, but I think that first line is incredibly telling. "But the body is remarkably truthful." It makes me think of how, in moments where Comte is overcome with anxiety as a result of traumatic recurrence, he has acute panic attacks (i.e. shortened breath, racing heart, trembling). How Leonardo's lethargy (i.e. napping on the floor everywhere like the hobo he is) belies the reality of his very real exhaustion, the emotional turmoil that comes with a fraught immortal life.

Dazai's endless struggle with dissociation and self-harm, the way he stood in the rain unmoving at the thought of MC returning home to the modern era. Whether to numb himself from the pain of that grief/loneliness, or perhaps more likely the self-immolation of subjecting himself to the re-enactment of the most harrowing moment of his life. To relive that anguish as a reminder; to abstain from making the same mistake ever again. Jeanne's endless bodily tension, struggles with basic self-care (appears to be interoception-based; reduced signalling of the need to eat/rest/etc.), and self-isolation to cope in a world where only the strong survive. Never safe, always alone, always defensive.

I think, for many people in general but especially people who have been through intense PTSD/CPTSD/etc., it can be hard to express these feelings directly. Whether they are forcibly silenced, ridiculed into self-derision/self-concealment, or are overwhelmed by emotions that are difficult to process--each manifests itself in unconventional ways. It means a lot to me when those phenomena are portrayed so sensitively in written works/media, that they're explored with real intention and narrative subtlety to communicate how hard it is for people who are wounded or simply different (or both, as often is the case).

Addendum:

Even more than that, and this is an observation at the end of Dazai's route, is Comte's open belief that life is something to be cherished. Of course, like any other person he has behaviors he won't abide and people he doesn't feel partial to, but by and large he doesn't take life lightly. Perhaps that's why he doesn't expect Dazai to resort to such measures again, in conjunction with the circumstances of his transition. From an outsider perspective, I could see how Comte might assume Dazai no longer wishes for that if he seemed to regret his initial course of action by seeking resurrection. There is also the implication that Dazai is always at war with himself, and therefore might give contradictory impressions; one moment he wants to live, the next he doesn't. This is precisely what led him to ask Charles for help to subdue his own 'cowardice.' (His terms, not mine. [bonks him]) There is a sizeable subset of s-word survivors who, after recovery, feel that their problems were actually solvable despite their despair in the moment.

Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but I think there's something to be said of Comte feeling such real affection for the mansion boys that he is stricken to find out what Dazai attempted. And perhaps unsurprisingly, very adamant to keep him from ever pursuing such a course of action again. He's incredibly vulnerable about his horror that he might have inflicted something on Dazai that he never wanted in bringing him back, though Dazai comfortably refutes any lack of agency in the situation.

I guess I feel very compelled by the duality inherent in Comte's glass heart, precisely because of how realistic it feels. His greatest strength is his sensitivity, but it's also his greatest weakness in tandem. His genuine care for Dazai--the unwavering belief that his life is valuable and worthy--ends up being the reason he doesn't anticipate Dazai's rather deeply entrenched self-loathing. And to be honest, I'm a bit inclined to agree; looking back on a third reading Dazai feels way too hard on himself. It feels like the young girl's death was more a catalyst for what Dazai was already feeling, than anything. Dazai wanted so badly to have a reason to despise himself (as he already disliked how different and out of place he naturally felt) and with this, his self-reproach could have a viable, rational explanation. A locus outside of his body by which to rationalize his self-hatred. Accident or not becomes irrelevant; he was involved, and thus he is guilty.

He reminds me a lot of that post that was circulating once about how cultish behavior inculcates intelligent people with more devastating pull than one might expect, because intelligent people can more easily and more insistently find ways to desperately rationalize their situation to function in that whirlpool of abuse. Dazai feels like he's in this same such Catch-22, so busy believing he deserves to be scorned (because of how well he hides his perceived abnormalities) that he takes steps to ensure and reinforce it. He wants and needs to see his reality make sense, and if it won't answer his designs he will find a way to make it so.

It fascinates me because Dazai is an incredibly complex example of someone who desires control, but instead of inflicting it with external rapacity, he targets his own internal state. I once heard a Buddhist explain: yes, it is a sign of disturbance to engage with others aggressively and without grace. However, it is also a sign of disturbance when the mind seeks to harm one's own body. Although Dazai's disturbance is not as apparent, it is there. And that's part of what makes him so excruciatingly compelling to me, in a lot of ways he is the manifestation of the Sisyphean suffering of being ill in a quiet way. In enduring and smiling and laughing because you don't want to burden others--or know you're not allowed to--all while you slowly bleed from the inside out.

[cowboy-robooty]

not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER

[tariah23]

im so sorry you got nasty asks ppl can be so vile. i love seeing you on my dash and you always have the best posts and put great stuff on my dash. ive never watched naruto but i dont mind seeing that either <3 ily i hope youre doing ok outside of ppl being terrible

They had me like this, anon...

[cryingyetcourageous]

[[Hey, is there a way to not see someone's posts? Like, beyond just blocking. If I follow someone, and that person reblogs from someone I have blocked, it seems like I still see the post despite the block, because the follow+reblog overrides that? Or am I doing something wrong? Or, knowing this dumpsterfire of a site, is it possibly a bug?

I refuse to name names and start drama, so please don't ask who I'm talking about, but it's really fucking annoying to see the art of someone who su*cide-baited one friend AND the memes of someone who tried to rally a hate mob against my other friend/said they deserve to be shot - both cases being because of ships - multiple times a day. ]]

EDIT: I, a known fool, forgot blacklisting exists. Thank you all <3

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

I love how I can say "hey you're not being blocked for no reason you're being blocked because you made me incredibly uncomfortable as a gay man and a sexual assault survivor please reflect on that instead of assuming yourself to be the victim." And then that gets interpreted as intentionally triggering someone and doing harassment and me thinking that any interaction is harassment, and I get vagued about months later.

Like genuinely have these people ever considered that maybe I'm not an anti who hates them for liking a fictional character, I'm a fag who doesn't take shit from people who want to say I don't know anything about my own oppression in a fake nice voice, and an SA survivor who doesn't take kindly to slogans about SA being grotesquely misused.

[monsteractialuna]

Testing new brushes with a quick mermaid y/n design :)

(if i do make a mermaid au please note that y/n would be 100% more fucked up looking than this. i need sun and moon to be down bad for a fucked up monster because its gender euphoria to me)

[mass-convergence]

PSA:

For the love of god do not publicly post screenshots of private messages.

The world is a shitty and inhospitable enough place - we don't need to make internet spaces like that too. I mean they're already like that but we don't need to actively make it worse.

[skyjynxart]

a huge favour: obviously nobody HAS to do this, or anything else, especially bc one rando on the internet asked, but I’ve been seeing a lot of outright ship war shenanigans(derogatory) going on.

I’m really not about that life and I really don’t believe in the whole taking an eye for an eye thing, even if the ‘other side’ has done atrocious things. I think the best thing we can do is follow ye olde internet motto of block and move on.

BUT since I know that some people feel really strongly and really want to participate in this stuff... Can you throw a ‘discourse’ or ‘ship wars’ tag up on the posts or something? I’m old and tired and I don’t wanna unfollow people but I do wanna just enjoy my blorbos in peace.

also please do NOT come into my asks or DMs to request I participate in a ship war. that is the opposite of rad.

[somacruising]

I’m sorry but if I see anyone of my mutuals reblogging the C*stlevania Netflix show then I’m immediately unfollowing

[cxsmicvega]

just saw my first twitter callout post on this site

so it begins

[radical-rapscallion]

just finished up the online training modules 4 my job and just.

under the "warning signs for workplace violence" section there was "decline in performance (eg. lack of concentration)" and shit about "poor social life" and "being a loner" yknow stuff along those lines and like i struggle with concentration sometimes and i just never developed the social skills required for this im barely able to do all this customer service stuff in the first place and now knowing that apparently if i make anything about myself known to anyone else that could potentially risk me my job. and the whole "you should be making eye contact with all customers" thing bro that's fucked suck my entire dick

[didhewinkback]

colton underwood put a tracker on his ex's car after she broke up with him & stalked her for weeks ... won't be forgetting that !

[callie-flower]

i know i reblog about transmisandry a lot and the fact we get treated so shittily but sometimes it is so tiring to have to face it and hear about it constantly, especially now because that i reblog and like so many posts that discuss it, it's pretty much all that fills my "for you" tag section and i really just wish people would stop ragging on us. i just want to live comfortable as a masculine-identifying multigender person, without consistantly worrying about... that. i'm angry, but i'm exhausted. i just want it to stop. please, please listen to transmasc voices.

[sheyshen]

while i’m on the screw major companies kick, i’d like to add in an enthusiastic screw you to amazon, and walmart, but mostly amazon.

two of the major local grocery store companies that are in my town are merging because amazon is driving them out of business. (albertsons and kroger) I have my own personal grievances with albertsons from working at jewel for a few years a few years back, but i’d rather not see them go down because of amazon.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

literally had to quietly turn off asks on my main because in the last line 2 weeks ive gotten probably 50 asks about that whole situation asking for money. how about no.

i 1. dont have money 2. live in fucking missouri usa 3. dont have any influence nor reach online and 4. refuse to post about that topic on my main blog EVER. because i like my main staying as light hearted as possible.

i am the last person these people should be sending asks to about this.

hell, there was even one that started with 'youre our last hope!!!' no the fuck im not. you probably sent that ask to 100 people. i am no ones last hope.

also apparently im r@cist for thinking that at least a few of these are scams. because there totally couldnt be people taking advantage of this situation to be greedy and awful and scam people. it wouldnt be the first time, nor the last.

it was also just annoying. i never get people talking to me online anymore so when i get asks its usually so exciting... but now it was just dreadful. 'whos gonna try and guilt trip me today?'

seriously, most of them started guilt trippy. at least some of them started polite though.

i know its a huge tragedy and w@r and all that but i dont know why i need to have any part of it. there is nothing i can do about it, and all it would do is make me upset, especially because theres nothing i can do.

and people can tell me all they want 'but there IS something you can do!!' but like... if people are getting killed, i doubt me signing a petition is gonna make them go 'oh, i guess i was wrong to kill people, sorry' like...

and like i said, i dont have reach or influence online. plus, thousands if not millions of people are already posting about this topic CONSTANTLY and saying everything better than i could, and having more reach than i ever will. i think me not posting about it will be fine.