#i basically run on a cycle of 10 things i'm interested in

[lakemichigans]

day 29 of watching until dawn playthroughs until i pass out

[raccoonfallsharder]

Hi there! This is probably such a silly question, so I'm sorry in advance, but in your fics, how long is a "cycle"?

I've gathered that a rotation is the equivalent of about a day (I think? lol) . Is a cycle the intergalactic equivalent of like a week or maybe a month in your fics? I originally thought a year, but in WAtG its stated that Jo "crosses paths with the Yondu Clan once every fifteen cycles or so." So a year seems like the wrong assumption on my part haha

Thank you ♡

hey honeycomb! these are SUCH FUN questions because i am such an UNHINGED NERD, especially about time and trying to make things make sense in space lol (also omg please never apologize for asking questions?? ever?? you’re a delight. curiosity is beautiful and giving other people a chance to explain their thoughts/loves/interests is a gift you give whenever you ask)

so first of all it’s worth noting that i’m pretty sure in at least one of the games, it’s the opposite — a cycle is like a day, i think? and a rotation is a week or a month? (i used to know this with more certainty because last year, i had researched obsessively to find out if there was a singular canonical way of measuring the passage of time in marvel-outer-space. fyi the short answer is no). worth noting: this is how i thought of time when i was writing ᯓ⋆｡°✩practice because that takes place in the eidos universe but i deliberately didn't dwell on it too long so people could interpret the length of time however they wanted.

now, my understanding is that in the mcu, this is inverted. i had read that the mcu GOTG writers think of a rotation as being about a day and a cycle being about a week, so that is what i use in almost all of my other fics (especially the longer ones). sometimes in oneshots i default to day and week just for ease of understanding, especially for readers who may just stumble upon the story without having gotten used to my quirks.

now that’s the short answer and you can feel free to bail if you don’t want to read about the stupid amount of time i put into thinking about this lol. i swear I won’t hold it against you. for fucks sake SAVE YOURSELF

tsk. should've run.

as mentioned, i use “rotation” to indicate about a day, and “cycle” to indicate about a week. i also use “multicalendar circumrotations” or “circs” for a year-ish which is halfway made-up (the gotg holiday special mentions the multicalendar and i was like “i need a word that isn’t rotation or cycle or revolution to go with this” lol).

i also broke rotations into three shifts. for my purposes there are usually two wake shifts and one sleep shift per rotation, but i imagine some lifeforms require different amounts of rest and wakefulness - so while the start and end of shifts are standardized, how they are designated really varies by crew.

i think this was about all i had figured out when i was writing Window *:･ﾟ✧* - I think I had maybe approximated a cycle at around 8-9 days and a circ at about a year and a half. but when i started writing cicatrix.⋆☁︎:･꧂ i was referencing longer lengths of time a lot more often (and needed at least a mental guide for things like decades and ccertain chunks of years), so i expanded on my time measurements a lot more thoroughly (see below).

i don’t have anything equivalent to months but at some point i was like “i need to indicate something more than a handful of cycles and less than a circ” and so i added quarter-circs to my lexicon ‘cause months didn’t make sense in the context of a sort of “intergalactic standard” of time measurement.

there was a time when i thought about breaking down hours and minutes and shit too but then i was honestly like “dae that’s fucking bonkers. stop girl” so i decided that most universal translators are capable of doing the basic math required to calculate smaller units of time across languages lol.

a rare glimpse of dae notes/references from the top of my cicatrix notes document:

rotation: 30 hours (10/10/10 shifts) cycle: 10 rotations (300 hours) (1.79 weeks) quarter: 10 cycles circumrotation: 40 cycles (71.6 weeks) (1.38 years) 10 years = 7.26 circumrotations 4.13 years = 3 circs

anyway that's it i think, that's everything, it's ridiculous and i'm ridiculous and also thanks for giving me the opportunity to be a total loser about this. i am very cool and normal

i truly do appreciate the question honestly. may your day be full of morning glories and your night be full of good movies and tasty popcorn

[wordstome]

YOUR König thoughts are some xgame shit oh em goodness “Aside from the fact he’s hung like a horse” YOU DID NOT. That’s disgusting. You should be ashamed. (I agree wholeheartedly)

But it got me thinking about König meeting a sniper!Reader? Cannot be a healthy dynamic but I’m a sucker for emotionally dysfunctional men.

Imagine you show up one day, butt unceremoniously into his life and introduce yourself in a way that drums up an uncomfortable tightness in his chest. He’s all too smitten and then your introduction has to go and end with ‘-and I’ll be joining the team as a resident sniper’. Those butterflies in his stomach turn into a weight on his heart.

Why you of all people? He was rejected and reassigned. His long-term aspirations snuffed out like nothing. Meanwhile, you complain about the bruising below your clavicle? Ridiculous, stupid thing you are to be so ungrateful.

Doesn’t matter if you actually aren’t whining as much as he thinks you are. From the minute he finds out what position you’re taking, everything he says and does is vindictive and downright rude. He doesn’t do it consciously and afterwards his internal monologue is just a running cycle of ‘why did I say/do that?’ Not to mention the dent in his wall from banging his head against it lmaoo

His regret doesn’t stop the impulse to make snide comments that fray your nerves. More than they already are just by being proximal to the huge man, that is. What you were experiencing at his hand was unnervingly like how he was treated was back in school. Or going through basic training with COs screaming up at him and degrading him.

It takes you finally sitting him down, the built-up exasperation at his behaviour driving you to be a lot more imposing to him that someone of your size should’ve been, for him to sort out his feelings. After acknowledging that he really had nothing against you (besides jealousy) that initial feeling of fixation returns.

A couple months of annoyance too late, if your huff of irritation was any indicator. It’ll take him awhile to get over that built-up resentment, none of which is technically your fault, but you can figure out some kind of union fwb situation? Right?

It would make such a good slow burn sobbing and rolling but that was completely unnecessary no idea where that came from. I’m so glad my cod interest and my fanfiction writing era didn’t overlap because I would be working like a dog on full-length novels about these men omg

-Dented and Recruited anon 🫡

MY FAVORITE ANON GRACES MY INBOX AGAIN...look, it's not my fault, they literally gave him a bulge. Is it just protective equipment? Probably! But you can't tell me a 6'5"-10" man doesn't have a dick to match. Come ONNNNN

*ahem* wow. Anyway . you GET IT. you GET IT! ! ! ! angel of small death was the first König drabble I ever did, and I still plan on returning to it!!! This is exactly the sort of dynamic I wanted to put in AAAAAAAAA I'm in love!! König sabotaging his damn self...yea we gotta make this man squirm. I will write these ideas for you babe but if you ever do feel a little bit of that writing era overlap coming on I will be the first in line to read what you've got stored in that brilliant brain 👀

[allgoldenelite]

ok, as a kinda sorta quasi continuation of this, i'm gonna dump some more thoughts i've had lately about kenny, don, and everything.

cw for abusive relationships, toxic behavior, manipulation

first of all, i'm gonna give credit where credit is due: the storyline as it stands rn has had some things added to it which i would never have thought a wrestling story dare add, let alone handle well. some of it is more subtext and some of it is more out there, but so far i have found that the elements i examined and interpreted only ever enhanced my reading of the kenny omega character, so i've personally enjoyed them as enrichment of the text.

don callis is a sociopathic abuser (there's some subtext there that could be read to mean the abuse is also sexual). the first part he's said so himself, and the second part...well, there's enough material there now to write a book about, but i just want to make sure we're all on the same page here. all those times when him (and kenny!) during the collector run made sure to remind the audience that callis has been in kenny's life since he was 6 (or 10; neither of them are consistent with it) years old were sickeningly recontextualized when kenny said in his sitdown with JR that don fed him substances and started drilling him for wrestling by cutting him off from outside interests and friends pretty much as soon as he entered his life. and in don's sitdown with JR, he of course proclaims it was all because the golden sheik and kenny's family had told him to take care of kenny, so he was merely acting out of selflessness and philanthropy.

but what don did was essentially create a deeply, deeply traumatized weapon. it's all there in kenny's vtrs, moves and akas (the cleaner, the best bout machine, terminator dive, calling himself an unstoppable android, saying he wants to be a weapon for njpw). a cold, clinical thing that others decide what to do with, controlled and manipulated by others (well, i say others, but basically it always come back to don callis), and which exists without its own agency. that thread even comes back in his collector run during a segment with christian cage, where christian correctly pins down what's been happening all this time ("i don't know what's weirder, don, the fact that you manipulated a 10 year old kenny omega, or that the adult kenny omega is still letting it happen."). and as abuse and trauma go, kenny was (and in some ways still is) continuing the cycle in how he treats people close and important to him like take, bucks, hangman, and so on.

now, the don abuser backstory is mostly meant to be read when looking at the latter half of kenny's time in njpw and especially his aew career, but imo you could even go as far with the reading as saying that his time in ddt was like an escape from don for kenny, something he did for himself for a change (maybe the first and only time he did something for himself), rather than for don or because he wanted to prove he's the best. and then you look at the way this is all breaking down because of jealousy and feelings of inadequacy and deeply rooted fear, and you go, of course, the poor guy has so built his entire being and sense of self-worth around winning and recognition of superiority that as soon as that doesn't come in a steady stream (or is indeed threatened by different, unknown and scary feelings such as actually wanting to be the no 2, not the no 1) his mental and emotional health just collapses like a house of cards.

either way, all kenny has known his entire life is wrestling. and the largest swath of that wrestling life has been spent trying to prove he's unbeatable and immortal, while repeatedly having difficulties accepting love and help from others and pushing those closest to him away. and don callis takes credit for all of it.

but here's the thing. in a way, he's right, about taking credit for the winning. of course, from don's twisted perspective, he is right; he spent nearly every waking hour "preparing" kenny for wrestling and pulling strings behind the scenes (seriously, the guy claims to have connections to the european parliament, for crying out loud) to pave his path of destruction through multiple promotions. but the cut runs deeper than that. because ever since don turned on kenny, kenny's been losing, a lot, and commentary and other characters have been picking up on that fact. the fact that, as it seems for right now, without don callis, kenny isn't the winner he so desires to be. he's not just lost singles but random tags or multimans as well, and if he does win, he's getting crucifixed to the ropes and getting his head smashed in with a chair. kenny had the bucks back at his side but that didn't fix it. the elite welcomed hangman back into their midst, but that didn't fix it. ibushi came back to reform the golden elite but that didn't fix it. kenny kept falling down.

so now what?

i don't have an answer. i've seen some discussion lately about kenny's questionable or lackluster performance in this story. as in, not his in-ring kayfabe performance, but the actor's performance. some people say they noticed him having less energy than usual or looking like he's not all there at times, like his head isn't fully in the game, and that translating to how the character is perceived (or not perceived; he's been notably absent from a lot of recent btes, but that could also be due to how little actual story there is on bte these days) and backstage segments when viewers were expecting him to have a comment or a role in response to something that happened in the story).

the thing is...normally i don't really care too much? i'll get angry at this and that in front of the tv and say my peace on it, and then maybe a week later it'll flare back up if the wound's getting picked, but aside from that i don't care about wrestling, and especially not shoot stuff, enough to give a shit. dude could have a million reasons why he's not having the time of his life right now and by no means is he obligated to be in every little thing that happens. he's done enough.

but if you caught him on the street fighter stream he did for crown, it was night and day. it's like he was a different person. which is to say, it leads me to believe that this unmotivated, somewhat muted version of kenny we're seeing on our screens right now is part of the story. that don had his hooks so deep in kenny and yanked them out with such force that all that's left there now is mangled flesh. it reminded me of how kenny reacted when don got attacked by bcc and wasn't available to second him for his match vs jeff cobb: when the news were brought to him he seemed immediately crestfallen and made his entrance looking noticeably intimidated and distracted. like the reliance on don had been so strong and so deeply ingrained for so many years that he legitimately didn't know what to do. no manipulator to pull the trigger.

but still the question remains, what's the cure going to be, if none of the things i listed earlier helped? because at the end of the day this is still a story that involves wrestling, and altho the thought has crossed my mind that maybe this is going to be one of the very very few wrestling stories that do not equate a happy ending with a victory in the ring, i think at least somewhere along the road they will want to show kenny's rejuvenation via a win or two. so, what's it going to take to make that happen, when everything is said and done? i've followed people discussing that one way would be for him to go back to the drawing board specifically in japan (ddt, ibushi, you see where this is going), and of course that'd be very exciting and interesting, but somehow it feels to me like that's not the route they're taking. i'd be happy to be wrong, yet so far there haven't been any signs that i could decipher that that's a possibility in the story, and when kenny said at the wrestledream scrum that his primary focus is on aew in the us, it only reinforced that feeling for me.

this is a slightly different topic, but in addition, there's continued criticism about the confusing or meandering way the story flip-flops between seemingly portraying kenny as all alone and distraught and in need of help and not being any of those things the next week. this one i kinda have to agree with.

i'm not tired of the story in a way that some people are; i think there's still stones left to turn and interesting threads to pull on and characters to explore. but i do think it's been dragged out a little bit too much at times and that it has felt sluggish during some of those stretches, just like how the elite stories did after they came back up until they suddenly pressed the turbo button and kenny was best friends with hangman again. as a result, it has felt meandering, altho i do not agree with the criticism that there isn't anything left to do for both parties in the feud. don said he was going to cut out the elite and that he isn't anywhere near being done with that. it just remains to be seen what kenny's and by extension the elite's motivation in this all will be.

[andmaybegayer]

So my hope, eventually, is to have my own purpose-built computer which is an expandable skeleton and will more-or-less never need to be entirely tossed out, only supplanted/upgraded Ship of Theseus style.

However, Microsoft is getting a bit too uppity for my tastes, and I hope to mainly run Linux on that eventual computer.

However, I'm also a gaming man, and I recognize that, in many cases, Linux kinda sucks for games, or, at least, that's what I've heard. Emulation is also a pain I'd rather not deal with (both of Windows and of games themselves), and so, for games that don't support Linux, I'd like to have the option of having Windows on the same machine, so that I can run Linux most of the time, but switch to Windows whenever I wanna play games.

My question is how realistic is that? I know that machines with multiple OS's exist, and you can choose which one you want at boot, but I'm hoping for this to be an extremely fancy computer, connected to a lot of extremely fancy computer peripherals. Would switching OS's without power cycling the machine screw with the other hardware? Is it even possible, or would you need to power cycle it in any case? Is there any way to build this hypothetical computer, or am I asking too much/investing too much effort? Would it be easier/better to just build a really good Windows machine and a really good Linux machine?

So the use case you're talking about is pretty popular among a certain kinds of Tech Nerd, and most of them solve it with iommu GPU Passthrough and a windows VM on Linux. I knew a few people doing this back in like 2018 and while it's a little fidgety it's fairly reliable.

You can't share GPU's the way you can share CPU and Memory. Not on consumer hardware, anyway. So if you want to run a VM with windows with a gaming GPU, it needs its own entire GPU just for that.

The basic layout is this: Build a normal high end system with a lot of extra resources, say, 32+GB of RAM, 10+ CPU cores, a couple terabytes of storage, and two separate GPU's. Run Linux on the system, as your host, and only use one of the GPU's. Create a VM on the host under qemu and hand it 16GB of RAM, 6 cores, a terabyte or two of storage, and use iommu to pass it the other GPU. Now use software like LookingGlass to capture the framebuffer directly off the Windows GPU and forward it to your Linux GPU, so that you can display your windows system inside Linux seamlessly.

Now, you do need two GPU's, so it can get expensive. A lot of people choose to run one higher end GPU for windows and a basic GPU for Linux, but that's up to your use case. You can run two identical GPU's if you wish.

The main place this kind of thing is being tinkered with is the Level1Techs forum, Wendell is a big advocate of GPU virtualization and so has aggregated a lot of information and people with relevance here. He also makes a lot of video stuff on IOMMU.

So I have to have two whole GPU's?

Kind of. There ARE ways to live-reset a running GPU which allows you to do tricks where you can swap a single GPU between the host and the VM without rebooting, but it's extremely dubious and flaky. Virtualized GPU partitioning exists but only on extremely expensive server GPU's aimed at virtualization servers for enterprise so it's well outside of our price range.

If you're interested in single-GPU, there is ongoing work getting it to run on consumer hardware on the Level1Techs forum and he's even running some kind of Hackathon on it, but even the people having success with this have pretty unreliable systems.

https://forum.level1techs.com/t/vfio-passthrough-in-2023-call-to-arms/199671

This setup works fine maybe 25% of the time. I can always start the VM just fine, my linux desktop stays active and any software launched after the VM gets the GPU will render on the iGPU without issues. However I suffer from the reset bug, and 75% of the time shutting down the VM won’t return the GPU to Linux and I have to reboot to fix that.

I'm quite satisfied with this setup.

Is this a good idea

It depends on what you need and how willing you are to switch between the host and VM. A LOT more things run smoothly on Linux these days. Wendell started tinkering with IOMMU back in like 2015, and I started gaming on Linux back in 2016. If you had native software, great! Without that, well, good luck with anything less than five years old.

I played Burnout Paradise and even Subnautica on my 750Ti laptop on plain old Wine, and then DXVK came out in 2018 and the world got flipped turned upside down and I have video of me running Warframe on Linux with that same mediocre system a few weeks before Proton hit the scene and we got flipped turned... right way up? Now with Proton I would say most things run pretty well under a mixture of automatic steam stuff and scripts off lutris and homemade WINEPREFIXes.

That said, if you want everything to Just Work, it's hard to beat a VM. I'm not sure how competitive games run, but for everything else a VM is going to be more reliable than WINE.

[prince-rowan-of-the-forest]

Things I've experienced people doing in public which annoy the shit outta me because it's 5am I haven't slept and my brain is full:

Sitting on a bench that is clearly occupied by people spending time together. You are intruding on people's outings, and whoo look at that you've just made everything 100x more awkward. Fuck off, there's plenty other benches.

Smoking next to someone. You have no idea if they're a smoker, or comfortable with you smoking, chances are either way they don't want your smoke in their face. Fuck off, go somewhere else.

Smoking next to someone WHILE THEY'RE CLEARLY EATING FOOD. It's just the last one but worse. Fuck right off and stay the hell away from my way too expensive frozen yoghurt.

Listening to music in public. Headphones are a thing, use them. Chances are not everyone likes you music, and chances are even if they do they don't want to hear it distorted and loud going down the street! Fuck off!!

Watching tiktoks/YouTube shorts out loud on public transport. Similar to the last one except worse because it's distorted video sounds that you can half hear and can't escape from because you're on a motorway in a moving metal contraption. Fuck. Off.

Eating on busy public transport. Noone wants to smell your tuna mayo sandwich and barbeque crisps mate. And while I have eaten on a bus before it's only when it's practically empty and I don't bring smelly food if I'm going to have to eat on the bus..fuck off.

E-Scooters. Need I say more. Fuck off.

E-Scooters. Yea I'm adding it twice, I almost got run over by an idiot on one multiple times. They should burn in hell.

Cyclists who think it's funny to rude up alongside you as you're walking down the pavement with your newly bought packet of cookies and yell in your ear to scare the living daylights out of you. Fuck you, dude who did that to me. I'm traumatised.

Oh damn the numbers stop at 9? That sucks

10. Cyclists who cycle on the pavement in general. It's highway code mate you need to be on the god damn fucking road not running me over whilst I'm trying to walk. Fuck off.

11: people who walk at negative miles a hour in groups of six in a line taking up the entire fucking pavement so I can't even get past them. Fuck you.

12. People who don't thank the bus driver. Seriously mate who pissed in your pancakes? No need to take it out on the driver, they're just getting you where you need to go, be grateful. Fuck you.

13: people who run red lights. I almost got run over by a goddamn truck. There are people (cough,me) who rely on people STOPPING when the lights are red, and have to just trust in this because theY CANT SEE. regardless of basic human decency, its the law. Fuck off.

14: whoever didn't tell me ambulances were allowed to run red lights. I almost got run over by one because I didn't know this. Fuck you, whoever was supposed to tell me that and didn't.

I'm sure there's more but I've sufficiently emptied my brain now and I'm tired so goodnight thanks for reading.

How many of these have you experienced/witnessed? Lemme know, I'm interested.

[wondereads]

Weekly Reading Update: Catch Up Edition! (03/11/24--03/25/24)

Reviews and thoughts under the cut

03/11/24

We Ate the Dark by Mallory Pearson (6/10)

This was a book club pick, and one of our members actually knows the author! This book is drowning in figurative language. It could have been cut down significantly. I'm not one to hate on flowery language, but the vagueness and metaphors that overtook this writing often obscured what was actually happening. It crafted a very good, eerie atmosphere, but there was a lot of confusion for me. I also would've appreciated some clarification on the worldbuilding concerning the magic and who's aware of it and the relationships of the main cast; keeping track of who was kissing who was a struggle. On the positive side, there was a lot of good suspense, and I got confirmation that there will be a sequel, which makes me feel much better about the ending.

A Bargain with the Fae King by Megan Van Dyke (3/10)

The main character of this novel was so absolutely insufferable. Her entire character revolves around constantly beating herself up and blaming herself for everything...and then proceeding to never change anything and do things people actively warn her not to do. It's a bit unfortunate because there was some good romantic chemistry, but every time she and the love interest did anything, it was ruined by her inner monologue harping on about the same things over and over. Despite that, I still might have given this a 5 or so, but the love interest absolutely ruined it. He did something absolutely atrocious, the red flag of all red flags, and the main character forgives him almost instantly. Girl, run!

Bloodmarked by Tracy Deonn (9/10)

This was a great continuation to the Legendborn Cycle, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite young adult series. There were some issues with the pacing, specifically with random worldbuilding elements coming out of nowhere at oddly convenient times, but other than that I really have no complaints. There's a lot of amazing character work, especially considering the relationships between Bree, Nick, and Sel, and the ending was completely insane. I love that there continues to be a huge focus on the racism in the Order and that there's much more explained about the non-Order magical world.

Mated to the Monster by Sarah Spade (4/10)

This was a random choice since I just wanted a mindless paranormal romance, but it wasn't at all satisfying. I'm sorry, but if you're building up the whole book, a whole adult paranormal romance book to the main couple having sex, something that has both huge implications for their relationship and the magic surrounding it...it better fucking not be fade to black. I know it's such a small thing to get pissed at a book about, but it is such a huge part of the story, something that was supposed to be basically the climax (hah). I have absolutely no issue with fade-to-black, but maybe don't make that choice when your whole story revolves around these character eventually having sex.

03/18/24

Glint by Raven Kennedy (7/10)

It's been a while since I read Gild, but I did remember most of what happens because that book is practically a prologue. This book was pretty slow; there's a lot of worldbuilding, character relationship building, and some pretty big reveals around the main character, but there's a lot of downtime in this book. I was overall expecting a little bit more, but it was still an enjoyable read, and I'll probably continue the series.

The Dragonet Prophecy by Tui T. Sutherland (8/10)

This is a reread from my childhood, and it was super fun to experience again. I was struck by how horrendously violent this middle grade novel is; what do you mean the children are trapped in a gladiator ring and forced to commit murder in order to survive? I think Clay is a great perspective to start from as both a more genial, everyman kind of character and as the oldest of the dragonets and someone who is implied to be their glue and rock. Peril is a truly insane character concept, but she is so interesting; I'm excited to get to her book, which I never got to read when I was younger. There's so much good worldbuilding for this age group, and I feel like most of my gripes lie in how convenient certain things are and how some characters' behavior is sort of excused.

Rising Storm by Erin Hunter (7/10)

Another reread, Rising Storm sort of reads like the space between major events. While this book culminates in the fire, which is so important and shocking, there's not really a lot of build-up, just a few lines about the forest going through a drought. Instead, there's a lot of focus on ShadowClan, Bluestar, and the looming threat of Tigerclaw, which is all stuff that truly comes into play in the fifth book. One of my favorite parts of this book is the relationship between Fireheart and Sandstorm, which is just so cute. Also, one of my favorite characters of the whole series is Cloudpaw, but I forgot how annoying he was in the early books (I say this with love).

Heaven Official's Blessing Vol. 4 by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu (9/10)

The horror that I was subjected to in this volume. As usual, Xie Lian and Hua Cheng are adorable and I'm obsessed with them, but this volume focuses a lot on the side characters, particularly Shi Qingxuan. There's a lot of really emotional stuff in this volume, getting into the pain that's always associated with this series. It's easy to see both sides, and I'm interested to see how the situation will resolve since it has a bit of an open ending in this installment. I know this was not written for volumes and instead chapter by chapter in one huge story, but there is a weird disjointedness to the latter third of the book, suddenly shifting focus from what had been going on almost the entire novel up to that point.

03/25/24

Trickster's Choice by Tamora Pierce (8/10)

This one is technically a reread, but this is one of the Tamora Pierce series I did not finished, having been a middle schooler who did not finish Trickster's Queen before it was due back at the library. This series is a bit tricky (get it?) when it comes to the social message since it deals very directly with settler colonialism and racism, compared to Pierce's other Tortall books which tend to focus more on feminism. I'm not going to make judgments until I finish the duology, but for now it seems pretty good for a novel from 2003. Concerning the actual story and characters, Aly is a great diversion from Pierce's usual serious, extremely determined protagonists as a more playful, casual character. I'm a huge fan of Nawat and Dove, who are my personal favorite side characters. The politics of the Copper Isles are incredibly interesting, especially since social lives play into it, and there's going to be a lot more in the next book.

Four Plays: Medea, Hippolytus, Heracles, Bacchae by Euripides (5/10)

This is an average rating over all the plays. For example, I loved Medea, but I did not enjoy Hippolytus and Bacchae was okay. There are some surprisingly funny moments in these plays for tragedies, but they don't really mesh well with a modern perspective. Very useful in terms of history and culture, but not exactly engaging and enjoyable.

Island of Shipwrecks by Lisa McMann (7/10)

I'm close to the end of this series, and I'm kind of glad. While this book does break the pattern that had been set so far, I think I'm starting to get a little bored. The characters have been stuck in a rut recently; while the worldbuilding and plot expand every book, there's very little development in the characters. I'm kind of getting sick of Alex continuing to prioritize Aaron, who killed his mentor and became a dictator. There was such an interesting thing going on with the men on the shipwreck island, especially since they are practically confirmed to be from Japan, from the real world, but most of their interaction was with Henry, not Alex or any of the other main characters.

[jeremy-ken-anderson]

For My Version

While I like the idea of learning the broader "how to pathfind and set up monsters in search states/chase states" lesson, I think for my purposes on my own sample game I'm interested in designing a dumb frog.

This means a few things.

The frog moves rarely. The vast bulk of its time is spent on its croaking idle animation.

The idle frog has a random element to its movement but it's also predictable. Basically it has a 4-second animation cycle of croaking after which it repeats (50%), turns the other direction and repeats the process facing that way (40%), or hops (10%). Some basic math makes it clear that if it doesn't see the player, the frog spends 90% of its time just sitting there. This is exactly the vibe.

If it sees the player, it alerts for .5 seconds (If I can figure out how to without going into pixel art, I want to animate a ! over its head) and then hops. This hop can be big or small. I like the idea that if you're sneaking up on the frog and it turns around, it might jump over you.

So rather than a chase "state" it has a basic idle action which can be interrupted by a hop. After a hop, it rolls the dice again, either settling in where it is, turning around, or (10%) hopping again. So it's 40% odds if it jumps over you it'll immediately turn around and notice you again, and hop a second time.

The pseudocode of this is:

Start a timer.

If the timer runs out, do one of 3 things: Play the idle animation again, restart the timer Flip the object on H, Play idle again, restart the timer Hop, restart the timer on landing

If the player is spotted: Halt the timer, run the "!" animation, hop, perform the "timer runs out" random roll again.

[hushed-chorus]

15 questions | 15 tags

Thank you for the tags, @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy and @johnwgrey! Let’s give this little baby a go.

1. Are you named after anyone?

A biker my mother once knew and a cricket player she fancied. Both dudes, even though I am “biologically female”. Interesting character, my mother!

2. When was the last time you cried?

I shed a few tears today, but it was a healthy cry

3. Do you have kids?

No

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not as much as I used to—my humour is still dry, but my sarcasm can miss the mark so I’ve toned down on it.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Body language, I think. I vibe quickly on mood—mostly approachability and openness. These things don’t outright determine whether I’ll interact with someone, but will determine how. I think this is why I struggle with communicating by text. I can’t vibe check! But I literally won't remember a *thing* about how they dressed, their eye colour, etc, unless it's particularly noteworthy.

6. What’s your eye color?

DARK, DARK BROWN. Like, pretty much pitch black. I once NPC’ed as a wraith at LARP for a monster role (basically, my job was to fight/be beaten up by the players and be dramatic about it) and my skin was painted white for the role. I ended up with a swarm of other, similarly-attired people just staring at my eyes and being told I was spooky.

7. Scary movie or happy endings?

So, does the scary have to be a movie? If so, then I go for happy ending. Basically, I like horror stories but scary movies don’t tend to do it for me. However, happy endings that aren’t bittersweet feel like a rare commodity in modern storytelling, so I treasure them.

8. Any special talents?

I’ve been told that I’m a good storyteller. Most people say this in relation to the roleplay games I run. Only recently have I stared sharing my writing with others. I wouldn’t say I am a talented writer—specifically, I struggle with the craft (grammar, etc). I used to blame missed schooling, but given the insane difficulty I’ve had learning grammar, etc, as an adult, I suspect there’s something more at play.

9. Where were you born?

Cornwall

10. What are your hobbies?

Writing (specifically creating stories), reading, cooking, and seeing new places. Also, learning! I usually have a subject or two that I’m casually learning. At the moment, it’s Spanish (my first time with a language) and folklore. Previous to this it was maritime history and I dabbled in political theory.

11. Do you have any pets?

Nope, but I've had pets in the past and want to have some again! I love animals!

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I loved playing football/soccer as a child. As an adult, I loved rock climbing and cycling until my health got too bad. I'm hoping to get back into ocean swimming, but I fear that would be a fool's errand. Is ocean paddling a sport?

13. How tall are you?

5’8

14. Favorite subject at school?

Music! Our teacher would leave us to just jam in the music rooms. I’d just play my bass guitar with whoever decided to drop in and join. I’d also sing, sometimes.

15. Dream job?

Ok ok, so this is super specific but here we go. If I didn’t have a disability and I was fully competent (and could afford the set-up costs), I’d love to own an old-fashioned ship. A simple-to-run two-master that performs well with minimal sailors on coastal waters. And I would use that ship to take underprivileged teens out onto the sea for a few days. Give them the opportunity to experience the ocean in a new way, to get the thrill of it, learn an exciting new skill and, most importantly, to give them a chance to feel like a valued and respected member of a team. Help them build their confidence and give them a treasured memory. (obviously voluntary—totally wouldn’t be everyone’s scene!)

I used to volunteer with youth groups in coastal settings before and I loved it. So many of the teens benefited from having an adult who would listen to them, treat them with respect, and give them a chance to feel like life can be special. I’m still in touch with some of them, ten years later!

I think lots of tags have already been issues so I will skip on tagging? Anyway, this was fun!

[drsycz]

30 DAYS OF AUTISM ACCEPTANCE 2023

Damnit, I forgot about it again. Looks like you're getting another unnecessary long post, guys XD

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

Yeah, I have one, and it's exactly the reason why I think our local medical system is bullshit. First of all, it was all done in secret. They used my personal files from school and university instead of actually asking me questions, they dragged me in hiding it as "productivity test" so there were no proper diagnosis process, just some old brats whispering behind my back. I even wasn't supposed to know my diagnosis, the only reason why I know what it was - a year later one of the doctors have accidentally left me alone while my files were on his table. And of course, the image of my psychological state and personality, and the diagnosis itself had nothing to do with realty, because they haven't bothered to ask me about any of it. I don't want to even say what my diagnosis was because it's nonsesnse.

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease (Braille counts too of course)?

Honestly it heavily depends on what kind of text I'm reading. I usually have no problems with reading fiction and pop-science as long as the book is intresting for me personally. However, I can get lost in some scientific articles if they put sources and big massives of data directly into sentences, or simply use too much punctuation marks. It's much easier for me to find information I need if it's put in a numbered list or a table. I'm generally very visual person, so having tables and illustrations is very helpful.

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

Obsessions… Well, they're kinda a part of normal life for me. A friend of mine says that I tend to run in cycles of switching from one special interest to another, when one of them becomes a literal obsession and when it happens, around 80% of our discussions end up being related to this special interest. Each such obsession lasts for at least couple of weeks, and sometimes I have 2-3 obsession at once. However, the overall number of them is very limited.

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise?

No. I can handle a basic amount of noise, but my limit is something like a street in the center of a middle-sized city, where there are cars but traffic jams are rare. Then I start to loose ability to understand what's going on, including speech, and up to being completely disoriented and loosing ability to think conciously.

11 April: If you learned to speak as a child (definition for this post: the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), did your ability to speak improve after that, stayed the same, decrease, or did something happen that you can't speak at all anymore now?

I think it generally stayed the same, but I'm more concious now of the fact that I'm actually semi-verbal. I did have situations of loosing ability to speak in my childhood, varying from forgetting particular words to not being able to speak at all, but it never crossed my mind it wasn't common among other kids. The only thing that changed, honestly, is that I now use way more texting because it's easier for me.

12 April: Were/are you in speech therapy? If so, for what? If not, do you think speech therapy could have helped you?

I weren't since the only obvious problem I had is difficulties with the "r" sound (my first language is Russian, where "r" is a very distinct sound), but it's a common problem for children who's first language is some sort of a Slavic language. However I was a unique case because when I was a toddler, I used to growl instead of screaming/crying, and later somehow lost this ability temporarily.

13 April: How important are routines to you? Are your routines more based on time ("I always do this at 6pm!"), on habits ("I always drink from this cup!") or both?

I think it's more habits than time. My parents have never insisted on keeping a stable timetable, and from early childhood I have gained a habit to think more in weeks rather than days: I was attending a couple of various after-class activities since grade 2, and such stuff usually only takes place once or twice a week. I also had very irregular timetable at university, when one day classes start at 8 a.m, but next day they only start at 2 p.m, but it was the same each week, so it has solidifyed this week-by-week mindset.

However, habits and keeping a particular order are important for me. I might not seem the most habitual person from the outside, but in fact it's just some level of flexibility combined with readiness to form several interchangable habits for one thing, and usually I form them slowly one by one. For example, I might have three different routes to get home from work, but it will stressful for me to make a fourth one, and the other three were created one by one and it was stressful each time.

14 April: If you learned to speak as a child, were you a late talker, average age, or did you speak at a really young age?

I think it was average, maybe slightly earlier, but nothing intresting besides the fact that my first word was "grandpa", not "mom" like for majority of kids. However, I had a weird experience with reading. My parents tried to teach me reading when I was around 3-4 years old, but I agressively refused to learn letters. But when they have already given up and left me alone, I somehow managed to learn reading on my own, and it took me a couple of hours sitting alone with a book.

15 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others and learned to recognise the meaning to a degree, did you learn that in social skills training, by your own "hard work", or was it a mix of both? Are there patterns that you understand intuitively (for example recognising fear because it's not so different from how you behave when you feel fear)? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

I can somewhat percieve facial expressions, but I can't say that I learned it conciously. Looks like I have learned to recognise the most basic and clear emotions, like laugh = happiness or screaming = angry, and my mind have just given up on the rest. When watching movies, I can recognise more complex emotions and even analyse characters from psychological point of view, but it doesn't work with real people in most cases.

[snugglebuddyhan]

Saw people talking about things they've never done in warframe and wanted to list some of mine

20 things I've never done in the game as a legendary 3 player with over 3K hours:

1. Other than the quest I've never done one of Kahls missions. I remember reading about it before it was released. I anticipated it so much I literally counted down the days and when it dropped my reaction was pretty much "oh....." it just didn't excite me the way I thought it would. I love Kahl as a character, but his missions are probably the most anti fun thing to be implemented into the game. The only thing that could maybe persuade me into doing them one day is the ephemera, but I wouldn't count on it

2. Never attempted to fight the tridolons by myself. Am I capable? Yes, but eidolons in general don't interest me enough to want to fight all 3 of them without a team, especially after ranking up with Onkko and buying all the arcanes. I'm worn out and over it. Plus, the whole night cycle system is annoying and is another contributing factor. I don't like timed farming or having to try and remember while I'm busy with other things to check when it's night time and usually by the time I remember to check the day cycle is just starting. So, screw it. The eidolons as a whole are a pretty cool concept tho. I mean, giant sentients? They're like the titans of the plains. We're ants to them. The size difference is actually amazing and for someone who is megalophobic fighting them can be both equally terrifying and exciting. I just hate the way de decided to execute the whole thing. Makes it less desirable to do imo

3. Never reached the level cap. I do a lot of steel path endurance runs on Ani for fun, but it has never crossed my mind while in there to try and fight long enough to reach the cap. First, it takes a while to reach it and I don't have that much patience. Second, I don't trust that the game won't crash or my lan cable won't decide to randomly disconnect resulting in me loosing everything and third, I just don't see the point in doing so other than maybe the bragging rights that come with it. I do a few hours and then I dip and restart if I'm up to it

4. Never stayed long enough in the index to fight John Prodman. It only takes an hour, but I just really hate the index. I'm always ready to leave as soon as I spawn in and 9/10 people make the process more boring than it already is with all the rhinos running around hoarding points. Just green globes everywhere you look. I know why they do it, but it's not my preferred play style. I don't really care too much about efficiency, although often times the whole hoarding process makes the missiom longer than it should be anyway. I just want to have fun if I'm going to be there and GOD forbid you don't follow their plan. I've been cursed at so many times and have been witness to other players who are just trying to help being called slurs that I refused to go back in for a very long time. The index is more toxic than it is being on a try hard tridolon team. You're basically given no freedom to play. I'm not a bot and neither is anyone else on the squad. The most I'm willing to do if asked is to not roam the map if I'm the host. If people want to play by a certain strategy maybe they should consider using the recruiting chat instead of throwing temper tantrums like a little child. Meta mentality is an illness

5. Never gone past zone 8 in eso. Literally no point. I just rinse and repeat

6. Never manually put together a K-drive. I rarely use them to begin with, so I don't see a reason in trying to make one of my own. If and when I decide to use one I just use the infested one, bc it looks the coolest. No other K-drive aesthetic comes close to beating its design

7. Never attempted the conclave. Saw that it was pvp and said no, thanks. Pvp makes my anxiety levels shoot through the roof. Adrenaline runs so high I can't even concentrate. It's not fun to me and anxiety is something I already struggle with every waking minute of my life. No need to make it worse

8. I have never attempted to max out all the schools. I think I have 2 left. I tell myself to just get the farming over with, but I loose interest as soon as I go to buy the lenses. It's not a hard process. All I have to do is put a lense on Sayrn and farm eso or just simply do my usual things and my focus will build up over time, but I just can't be bothered for some reason

9. I do sabotage missions and find caches for fun, bc I'm a glutton for treasure hunting, but in all my 7 years of playing I've never gotten nitain as a reward

10. Aside from ranking them I've never equipped a hound or moa as a companion. Their designs are cool, but they don't serve that much purpose to me

11. I've never used a specter. Actually, never even built one

12. I have health restores (the ones that instantly restore all your health) in my gear wheel, but have never used one

13. Never built the smoking body ephemera, bc I can't be bothered to farm the ash piece I need. The circuit made it easier to obtain, but I don't care for it therfore I don't pay it any mind. If he's there for the week I'll never even know it

14. Never played with an incarnon weapon. I know how good they are, but they don't interest me right now. I don't care too much about power. I have weapons I like that get me through whatever I'm doing with no issues and I'm content with that for now

15. Anytime I need standing for my syndicates I just do whatever and let it gradually fill up instead of picking missions off the syndicate tab

16. Never used traps to capture a cephalon target. My focus and ability to follow their movements while scanning them is pretty good, so no need

17. Never picked a spy fissure even if it was the only mission in the tier I was wanting to run

18. Never said anything in the region chat. I just sit back and mind everybody's business

19. Never played the shawzin

20. Never subsumed all my base warframes. I only subsume them when I have a need for their abilities. There's no harm in just getting it all over with, but just like a few other things on this list, I couldn't be bothered

[ladyluscinia]

So @brigdh has some great tags:

#agreed #I also think there's a simplification in this debate by constantly framing the two sides as pro- and anti-Izzy when it's really about Ed #like. I'm an Ed/Stede OTP'er and I still think Ed in eps 9 & 10 was not in a great place. That's not (yet) his happy end #it's easy to blame Izzy fans for being racist because they like the white character too much #but that's a straw man #Izzy crit fans also tend to like a white character (Stede) #it's really about interpretations of Ed and not who you ship him with #excellent meta #our flag means death

This is a VERY good point.

People have been commenting for ages on how weird it is that OFMD fans who hate Izzy spend so much time in the Izzy tag posting about him and writing meta about him and getting all worked up about other people's views on him when they could just not do that. They could go have fun with characters they like! But it's not really about Izzy most of the time, is it? Usually it's about making sure to loudly repeat that Izzy is wrong about Edward.

It's in the litigation of 1x04 to argue Edward was trying to teach and Izzy was just too stupid to listen, or that Edward was right all along and Izzy sabotaged a perfectly good plan by lying to Edward's face about tides and making him doubt it. (Remember that one? I do.) It's in criticizing Izzy in 1x06 where somehow the entire conflict caused by Edward's plan to murder Stede - that he deliberately kept Izzy around for - falls entirely on Izzy to the point he might just be making up the whole thing from one idly floated suggestion.

And yeah, it's all over the place in 1x09 and 1x10 meta. Their preferred version of Ed never would have done anything like this if he'd had a choice and Izzy hadn't threatened his life, so all the bad stuff is really on Izzy for trying to force him into being this "evil" character they don't recognize. And if they're feeling particularly extra then Edward might even have set the whole thing up as a fuckery just to save his new friends from Izzy!

...I'm being excessively bitter, aren't I? Moving back to the topic:

It is about Edward. It's practically always about Edward, and how they think we like the wrong things about him. Izzy is our main (but not only!) window into who Edward was just before the romance started and they don't like what he implies, so Izzy must be malicious, delusional, so incompetent that Stede can run circles around him in a duel, so awful he can personify every bad thing Edward isn't, and, crucially, he must be entirely wrong about everything.

(It's honestly a pretty clever way to invalidate Edward takes - if one that almost certainly developed more organically than intentionally. Someone decides that Izzy holds X belief about Edward that's obviously wrong, works backwards based on disliking vibes to an indisputably wrong reason he would hold this belief - like racism or homophobia - and they get people reading their meta to hate a guy they don't care about anyway for said reason. Then when he's brought up as a meta interpretation character witness by someone else suddenly it's "Are we going to listen to what the racist says about who our POC blorbo is? Of course not. In fact Izzy believing X proves that the reality is Y." They double down and repeat the cycle, convinced they are definitely interpreting what the writers intended, with Izzy getting worse every time.)

Whereas if you do think Edward's backstory and characterization as Blackbeard is interesting for more than just contrasting the tragedy of it against your idyllic retirement endgame, then you probably tend to think Izzy is pretty interesting too. And maybe that understanding where he's coming from could give some insight on Edward that you won't be dismissing immediately. Liking or hating Izzy has become a fairly good barometer for which aspects of Edward's characterization you are interested in exploring along the route to his happy romcom ending.

Basically we all watched OFMD, turned to tumblr, and then I found their version of Edward to be an exceptionally boring read on one of my faves while they decided my takes made their same fave too mean or something. Now months later we've got whatever the hell toxic mess this counts as, all still rooted in the same, entirely unremarkable differences of opinion about 5 hours of a silly pirate show. I don't know if it's something about the blend of genres or the rep attracting a wider audience, or hell - maybe it's just a bunch of toxic fandom trends we've been aware of (ex: anti-"problematic" ship / fan harassment) hitting a new peak simultaneously, but the OFMD fandom has some Problems™ and they aren't people liking Izzy.

Izzy likers are just easy to target, and even easier to frame as deserving it in the same breath.

---

Oh, and just because it bugs me every time I see it mentioned:

We don't actually have a notably unusual percentage of people who like Izzy in the first place?

Like I did this statistics comparison a while back, and it still holds fairly true (ex: now at 17,000 works, 68.8% are tagged BlackBonnet vs 11.7% BlackHands). If Izzy was just some random asshole then his numbers might be a sign of an unusually large group of fans gravitating to him, but he's not. He's the most developed antagonist, 3rd or 4th most developed character easily, and he lives on their boat. No shit he shows up in a reasonable cross section of fan content.

People having fun with antagonists in fandom is not new behavior or a symptom of uncontrolled shitty white guy stanning. It's a character type that is popular, which Izzy happens to fill in OFMD.

Not going to put this directly on the long discussion chain that prompted it because it’s somewhat topic adjacent at best and I have no intention of derailing a discussion of fandom racism, but - while reading some of the “Izzy critical” responses that @bromelads got - I did see mention of one thing that I have both passionate feelings about and a near constant desire to elaborate some oft ignored context for. So.

One of the things mentioned as a source of discomfort in fandom for “Izzy critical” poc was posts rejecting that Edward was growing or healing in 1x09 and 1x10, suggesting that it mostly serves to empathize with Izzy over Ed and to make Izzy’s actions look better at the expense of Ed’s character / softness. The same person who gave this example later agreed that there’s some truth in the idea that Izzy crits’ misinterpretation of Izzy fan meta has something to do with the (very baffling) perception that we all don’t like Ed or think he’s the simplified villain of Izzy’s story or something, which I just want to a) appreciate for a second because I do actually adore Edward so much, and b) mention specifically because I think the whole Ed healing debate is a great example of that.

I’m not going to argue why I am staunchly in the “Ed wasn’t healing” / “Kraken was inevitable” camp because I’ve done it before, but I do want to point out some related thoughts around that argument that I’ve picked up on each time it loops back around.

I feel like a lot of the people who strongly disagree with or get mad about that take frame it as though we are minimizing or rejecting the existence of Edward’s softness entirely. It’s like… Ok, so there is a distinct sequence of moments where Edward is displaying emotional vulnerability or a draw toward fine things that fans noticed, and then they interpreted the pink robe Ed’s “healing” as all that starting to pay off in his character development (before being interrupted by an external obstacle: Izzy). A very straightforward A -> B. Only when I push back against B and say “hold on I don’t see any healing in 1x10,” then I feel like people hear me rejecting that all the moments of A meant anything at all. If I see the shadow of the Kraken as an internally motivated obstacle being built in earlier episodes, then I must think that’s the dark and violent payoff, and the evidence of softness was a diversion or manipulation or just not going anywhere significant in character terms.

Which is very frustrating to me because Edward is a romcom protagonist.

Yes, this is very obvious to everyone. But it matters in this debate because protagonist status comes with very significant guarantees - namely, Edward is going to grow / heal / get his happy ending, etc. We’ve even got Stede’s S1 arc (which remember is still unfinished too) as a good example of structure and focus on internalized character flaws framed by plot hurdles. There is no version of this story arc where Edward ends as the Kraken, and I have never seen anybody suggest he’s not currently on a character arc toward growth and healing and a circle of true companions in Stede’s crew who love him for who he is.

So when I or anyone else says he’s not there yet, it’s almost exclusively because we are arguing about where he is on this character arc in 1x10. Of course the appreciation for fancy clothes and slow mornings with overly sugared tea is going to pay off! Of course he’s going to become friends with the crew (I’m rooting for Frenchie S2 bonding)! Of course he’s going to get to beat back that self loathing he’s carried since his dad! But people get defensive and angry like you are personally targeting them and declaring their blorbo an irredeemable asshole because you suggest character development major enough to drive a character driven show probably takes more than a few weeks of easygoing vacation to reach final form. That’s not what I’m saying at all!

Interpretations upsetting or offending people even when written with a complete lack of malice is nothing new, but it really seems like making up a whole army of guys to get mad at for takes is happening more and more. (And I’ll admit I’m probably getting more and more guilty of this myself as my understanding of what exactly people are arguing in different fandom city states gets more and more fractured. Meta builds off of meta, and if you randomly see one post by one blog you already disagree with, you might be missing a lot of context to clarify what they actually mean vs “of course that’s the awful take you would have”.)

[tenebrius-excellium]

Hello, I've enjoyed reading your HTTYD book reblogs! As a book fan it's interesting that the things you've disliked about the books and prefer the movies for have been the things I've liked and preferred the books for. It's also made me realise that the books might be quite british? The status-quo is conformism and the heroes are downtrodden survivalist who want to keep their heads down, rather than inspiring individualist, and the journey to revolution is much longer. The books feel very pointed against the UK's demonisation of the vulnurable and social benefits, especially when they enter the 10's and Austerity kicked in. I hope this hasn't come off as passive aggressive, if those aren't themes that talk to you it's totally understandable that the books vibe less than with the films. My feelings on the films are basically the other pole! I hope you continue to enjoy the journey and Hiccup's decreasing patience with the corrupt world he lives in.

Hi! Thank you so much for your ask! Also thank you for diving deeper into the themes relating to the specific temporal & local context that the books were written in! I tend to examine and appreciate literature for its timeless, universal virtues & morals only, therefore I haven't been able to see the Httyd books this way before...! I think it's very important to consider both views!

"The journey to revolution is much longer" - yeah, that about sums it up. In the movie, Berk is already desperate for a change. In the books, it seems like sticking to the things that are tried and true is the best and most frequently given advice, until Hiccup develops a mind of his own <3

To be fair, I haven't got a clue about the general British history and mindset. I feel that you know much more about that, and I'm sorry I can't really match your thoughts there. I wish I could! And yes, I have to admit that the "downtrodden survivalist" mentality is about as far from my hopeful, spiteful self as can be - therefore, I might run out of patience reading this stuff from time to time. I'm a fan of quick and radical changes, as it is my experience that doing nothing while knowing that something's off about your situation can literally be deadly (confirmed by Book 4). If you see an issue, you fix it. If you can't fix your society all at once, you start with yourself.

As a writer, I am personally intrigued by the concept of hopelessness at the moment. This endless status quo where you don't have the strength to rise up and believe in the possibility of change again... Part of this interest surely comes from my own life, another part is abstract aestheticism and the last part is...that my heart is breaking for people who have been going through this for so long and cannot seem to be lifted up (totally not related to current world events or something...). I aspire to be the spark that gets them up again.

By the way, I, uh... I hope it's ok for me to say this but I LOVE your mind??? I feel like we could have tremendous personal differences if we interacted irl, but like this??? right now????? THANK YOU for your thoughts!? You're super intelligent!! I feel like we appreciate very similar things but would go in very different ways about them lol.

So...what's your perspective on this hopelessness of the books? This eat-or-be-eaten cycle, this gloom of being too small and unimportant to be a hero? I find it discouraging, but you obviously seem to admire something about it. Is it the persistence of waiting for the right time to act? Is it the bravery of simply making it? I would very much like to know!

Again, thanks for the ask!

Cheers

Reddie

[pinnochiro]

pinn reviews - final fantasy xv

a long ramble about final fantasy fifteen that sort of looks like a review, as written by someone who finished the game fifteen minutes ago and needs to get these words out of his head. spoilers inbound.

i'm a pretty big fan of video games. i don't know what my first was, but it was probably either banjo and kazooie or mario kart 64, at my cousin's house when i was very small. i think that video games as a medium are so interesting, since the fact that video games are inherently interactive changes the way that they tell any story. it's a shame that despite loving video games so much, i'm absolutely terrible at them.

i'm absolute dogshit at video games. whenever i boot up something new, i always play on easy mode because. i'm that bad. unfortunately, this means that a lot of video games are simply. impossible for me to beat. that's fine, as at the moment i live with my good friend lizz, who is certifiably Good at Video Games, and so we've been playing video games together for a little bit now. typically this means that she will actually play the majority of the game while i sit with her and watch, but occasionally i'll have a go, but she'll end up with the controller as soon as a boss fight or puzzle or a mechanic i just can't seem to grasp shows up. we recently played through the entirety of the kingdom hearts series together, and this was an absolute blast of a time. i'm glad to say that i adore kingdom hearts now, and it's become one of my hyperfixations, which you might be able to tell from my icon. but we'd finished the kingdom hearts series, and we were left to move onto something else. we'd also played final fantasy 7 remake, so in my wisdom, i suggested that we play another final fantasy game.

we looked through the ff games that were already purchased on our consoles thanks to lizz's uncle, and eventually, we decided that we should play. all of them. however to start, we were going to play final fantasy xv, 15, and work our way backwards through the mainline, single-player games.

i'd heard that xv wasn't very good, but honestly, i was still quite curious. one person who i'd been following on twitter for years was pretty obsessed with the main party members, to the point where i knew their names and what-not even though i didn't have much of an idea what the game itself was about. i remember watching a video by supereyepatchwolf a few years ago about how the game sucked, but i couldn't remember much of the details, and i knew, based on my obsession with kingdom hearts, that xv had started as a different game called final fantasy versus xiiv. i don't know all the details about versus thirteen, but i do know that it was originally helmed by the creator of my beloved kingdom hearts, mr tetsuya nomura, and that after many years, the vast majority of the game was thrown out, nomura wasn't in charge any more, and the whole thing was rewritten and reworked, which sounds like a fairly rough development cycle. but so what, i don't care about gameplay. i want to play the video game with those cute guys that i see fanart of on twitter, and lizz seemed happy enough to play through it with me.

and so we started final fantasy xv. i've been told that since the game was practically dead on arrival, they threw in a bunch of new content and reworked a lot of the early game before i got my hands on it. so my gameplay started with a scene of the four guys fighting some demon dude on fire and they're all old and grotty. whatever, that cutscene ends and we're put into a combat tutorial. that's over and we're on the road in what looks to be central america, pushing a car.

our four leading lads are noctis, the prince of the lucis empire, his best friend prompto, his bodyguard, gladio, and his chef and other things, ignis. i do quite like the main four members of the party in xv. prompto is quite easily my favourite, voiced by robbie daymond of goro akechi fame and with a bunch of fun little animations and quips that make him very likeable. he gets extremely excited at the idea of riding chocobos and has what i considered the best scene of the game, where he and noctis meet on a motel rooftop and discuss prompto's imposter syndrome, since he's only part of noctis' official retinue as his best friend. noctis is a fairly typical main protagonist, he's in love with a woman he hasn't seen in eight years and needs to go marry her or something, i don't care. gladio is a tough macho man with a mullet who wears leather jackets and wields a greatsword, and is apparently only 22, which is at least 10 years younger than i assumed. ignis is a strategist and chef, who takes on the most authoritative role and constantly tells noctis to not drive his car at night. i was not a fan of ignis at the start, but he grew on me, especially with how hard the game hit me with his personal arc. the four boys are off, driving to noctis' wedding in a different country across the desert when their car breaks down. we then run into the first issue of the game.

cindy is a mechanic. she also has her ass and tits out constantly, like your sleazy uncle's shirt with a naked woman was instead semi-alive as a video game person. she fixes your car and acts fairly sexual and it's just like. why do we have to do this. aren't we over overtly sexualised women in video games who have no reason for the way they dress other than the character designer was horny? whatever, i like women as much as the next guy, but cindy's design just. makes me feel so uncomfortable.

anyways you get to do a little driving around with the boys, until you stay the night before catching the boat to your fiance. overnight, you find out that noctis' kingdom has been basically destroyed by an invading empire called niflheim, and practically everyone noctis knows, including his father, are dead. you learn that noctis and his bride to be are also assumed dead, with noctis hearing his own death announcement on the radio. the game has a bunch of added cutscenes that are actually footage from the three-hour-long prequel movie that came out after the game, are extremely hard to follow and honestly i had no idea what i was looking at. anyways, noctis' family is dead, so it's time to do some hunting sidequests.

that brings us to the combat, i suppose. rather than the turn-based or even active turn-based combat that the series is known for, xv opts for more modern action rpg-styled combat. i was, naturally, terrible at this, but i managed to get around it with the fact that. it is almost impossible to die in this video game, provided you have enough items. the game allows you so much time to heal yourself that there's practically no way to have your entire party wipe unless you're doing absolutely terrible, and even then, your party members will probably try and heal you themselves before that happens. lizz tells me that the combat is boring, you just push the same button over and over and then you win. i do appreciate that, for someone like me who is terrible at reading enemy movements, there is a giant button that pops up on screen that tells you when to push the block button, but even then i was prone to fucking it up. whether that's the bad game design or my terrible gaming abilities is up to you to decide. anyways, the game is fairly easy but has annoying combat, your teammates limit breaks will only land about 50% of the time (or never, if you are gladio) and i was still bad at it, so i didn't have all that much fun.

instead of an active levelling system, the game will only tally your character's level ups when you either make camp or visit a hotel. camping is, in my opinion, the only saving grace of this game. each time you make camp, you get to see the characters doing fun little camping activities together and just hanging out, ignis will cook up a new meal in a dramatic fashion and everyone will compliment him and eat it off their coleman's branded plates, it's just very fun. you also get to see what pictures prompto has taken, which is one of my favourite gameplay features. prompto's passion is photography, and while i support him in this wholeheartedly, his picture taking skills are, quite frankly, awful. the game will randomly take shots while you're on the move, which leaves you with a delightful selection of awkward poses, characters hidden behind bushes, pictures taken while someone is half-dead in combat, and snaps where the natural lighting absolutely makes it impossible to tell what's going on. it's hilarious and going through prompto's collection of photos each night is honestly the best part of the game. we managed to wind up with a few shots that, even despite being scripted events, turned out absolutely terrible, and i will cherish those forever.

anyways, since noctis' father and fiance are dead, that leaves him the king of lucis. the only important person to make it out of the capital alive tells you to drive to the middle of nowhere, where he randomly springs on you. hey. go into a bunch of these dungeons and absorb a bunch of swords, this is your destiny as king and how you will defeat the empire. noctis goes, uh, alright i guess, and you're set loose again to wander around for a bit collecting the 'royal arms'. this plot point wasn't explained well but hey, whatever, we're collecting the glowy swords and that's fine.

you're introduced at some point to ardyn, the main antagonist. he's old, kind of groady and wears a fedora. he's a dick to you and talks about his automobeeel. apparently my friend miri thinks he's hot, she is wrong.

i can't remember what happens specifically but you're told that your fiance is still alive and in fantasy venice, and she's talking to the gods on your behalf to borrow their powers. there's a mission where you follow some purple trees that are electric, and you do that i guess. i enjoyed riding the chocobos around, but couldn't care much for the plot at this point. ardyn leads you to a volcano, where you fight a giant lava god. he tries to step on you and i, a denizen of the internet and with an active fear of foot fetishists, was extremely uncomfortable. noctis becomes friends with foot man and a lightning god who lived in those trees, and ardyn steals your car.

very upset by this, noctis and his gang risk everything to sneak into a military base and steal it back. because this is a video game, this works out fine.

there's a little mining city which is all about Girl Power, because all the Women run the Mining Industry like Girl Bosses, and you hang around there for a bit. because all the women are so Empowered, they wear bikinis all the time with overalls over the top. gladio decides he needs to fuck off for a bit, i have no idea what he does since i haven't played the dlc, and then he comes back with another scar. you hang out with his sixteen year old sister, who has a crush on the engaged and 20-year old noctis, and then you drive her to a lighthouse. when she's in your party, she can't really fight, but she gets a pink chocobo and i thought that was very cute. we turned out own chocobo white and lizz named him 'jones' after a mount she has in ffxiv.

eventually, you have a long boat ride over to fantasy venice. this is the part where the game stops being 'fun with a few issues in combat and a rushed and poorly told story.' the open world, which was a main feature with a bunch of little areas to find where noctis can fish, little hunting sidequests and random photo spots where prompto takes touristy photos, is now gone, and it will not return for the entire rest of the game. you can 'go back in time', but the open world was the most enjoyable part of the game, and it kind of really sucks that the main story doesn't let you have any more freedom like that.

after arriving in fantasy venice, you have a talk with fantasy hillary clinton and beg her to let your girlfriend summon a god into the middle of her city. hillary agrees, and you don't get to meet up with your fiance, because even if the game is constantly telling you how much noctis loves her, there is. barely any interactions between the two in the entire game. from what i can tell, they met when noctis was a child and they haven't seen each other in ten years but are still fantasy dog pen-pals. noctis marrying her was supposed to make an alliance or something like that, but her brother has betrayed her to the army. noctis' girlfriend is also an oracle, which means she can heal people, i guess? everyone talks about how important she is and she's constantly telling people that she needs to use her powers to help noctis but she's practically a non-entity.

as can be expected of most female love interests in a game primarily focused on men, noctis' fiance is killed while summoning a god for noctis to befriend. noct gets very mad about this, and turns super saiyan and kills the god back, but his girlfriend is dead and that's super sad you guys. there's a beautiful prerendered cutscene where she says goodbye to noctis but since we barely know her, and we've only been told over and over that they're in love without anything to actually well, show this, it didn't have much of an impact. fantasy venice is destroyed, and ignis is blinded while trying to help calm the giant raging god.

iggy's blindness and how the game makes you account for this and grow to care for him was one of the highlights, in my opinion, as well as crushingly depressing. while i'm not disabled and have no right to say if this was 'good disabled representation' or anything like that, i believe that the game handles it decently enough. the group falls apart as noctis is upset about his girlfriend, gladio is extremely mad that noctis won't care for ignis, and prompto just wants everyone to get along. there's a mission where gladio constantly yells at you passive aggressive things to noctis about how he's a cunt for running, which is obnoxious, but the character arc itself is fairly strong. when you make camp, ignis can't cook anymore, so everyone eats cup noodles in a depressing ass cutscene. ignis remains in your party for the rest of the game despite his disability, and he doesn't magically regain his sight like other fantasy media would do, which at the very least i think is good. i'm not sure what the opinion of actual disabled people is of the character, considering how often disabled characters are either turned into misery porn to make the abled audience be glad that isn't them and if ignis' arc falls into this trap, but i hope that it wasn't handled too poorly, as that would just be another terrible mark in this game's list of bad moves.

the characters eventually make it to the evil empire's capital, which is abandoned and filled with daemons. the characters learn that ardyn is super evil and taught the king of the empire how to turn humans into daemons, which has now happened to the entire city. the 'magitek suits', presumed to be enchanted armour that fights as the empire's infantry, actually house the souls of the human-turned daemons. honestly i like this as a plot point but the game handles it pretty terribly. there could have been more lead up to this, the explanation is pretty lacking, and prompto's Big Plot Twist is. terribly handled. turns out that prompto was born in the empire and was going to be one of those empty soldier daemons, but he was rescued by people belonging to noctis' empire. not that the game tells you that. instead, prompto goes 'turns out i'm one of ... them' and Does Not Elaborate. The game doesn't tell you shit, not about prompto's past, not about how he feels about this, not about how anyone else feels about this either because the other party members just go 'oh that sucks, good thing you're not evil' and the scene ends. robbie daymond tries so hard to sell these terrible, terrible lines, and it almost entirely fails, i'm so sorry prompto. fortunately because i'm a nosy ass, i read prompto's wikia page and knew the plot twist ahead of time, because i don't think i would have even registered it if i didn't.

anyways everyone in the evil empire is dead and ardyn starts talking about how he's immortal and an ancient king of noctis' country but the gods thought he sucked because he's too evil. i missed most of this because the cats got the zoomies and were dashing across the couch right in the middle of his speech so i can't tell you anything else. noctis tries to get a big magic crystal to fight him and instead. gets schlorped inside.

TEN YEARS LATER

yes then ten years actually pass while noctis is asleep. the game shows this by switching the head on noctis' character model to have a beard, but that's it, no changes in animations or whatever. the sky is permanently night and only one human civilisation remains, the rest destroyed by daemons. as a plot point, this ends up feeling. extremely worthless. why was noctis asleep for ten whole goddamn years? so we can wake up and go 'damn it sucks out here'. but it's barely even a like, incentive to fix everything, because you have a long talk with a former child you were friends with where he talks about how humanity is still going fine and everyone's okay and the world has moved on without you. it feels. pointless. when you meet up with your party members, they are exactly as you left them, only with slightly different character models. there is no change in the voice performance, the character's movements or how they talk to show that they've been without you for ten years. they barely mention it. i'm just. so confused as to why they decided that a ten year timeskip was the way to go? since nothing really changes, couldn't you have made it like, two years? one year? six months?? have the characters react a little more? something??? at least if it was only a year or so i wouldn't have to deal with the fact that noctis looks like norman reedus with his shitty facial hair now.

anyways after that there's a bunch of long and boring boss fights. you fight some dead kings for some reason, your party members get a little bit to talk about how cool they are and how much they love noctis, and then you meet up with ardyn. there's another boring boss fight and god this was only a few hours ago but it's already gone from my head. you summon the gods and the old kings to beat the shit out of him after you both go super saiyan again? there's incredible music but it feels barely earned and just kind of eh. anyways, noctis dies, which was the price of using the crystal of light or whatever the fuck. his ghost marries his fiance's ghost finally, and they smile as they look at one of prompto's pictures. you can pick any picture you want to go here, and then the credits roll, showing all of the pictures you saved of prompto's shots. showing me all the pictures at the end is honestly lovely, but it really only served to remind me of how much more fun the game was in the first half. and that's the end, of final fantasy xv.

so what did i think of the story? it's terribly cobbled together and struggles to get you to feel anything and play out all the plot beats. you feel awful for the countless employees who spent years working on the beautiful cutscenes only to have them be in this game, which sucks and the story barely gets through. there were parts that i enjoyed, mostly the thing about the daemons being people, but honestly the rest of it is a mess. it's hard to follow at the best of times and just awkward and terribly written at the worst. the ending is cheap, and it doesn't feel like you've actually accomplished anything. i left that game feeling numb and empty, sad that i'd wasted so much time to end up with such a colossal failure of a conclusion.

i had fun with the game when it was my four little guys running around doing sidequests and camping together. after the midway point of the game, there's none of that, and you're bogged down into a plot that just pushes you from point a to point b and boring overlong bossfight to boring overlong bossfight. the character moments between your party are a lot of fun, but the second you hit fantasy venice, everything is pretty much on rails and you can't do anything except what the game tells you explicitly to do.

should you play this game? no lol. if anything i've mentioned about the story interests you, you'll be better off watching a lore video or reading the wiki. if you do want to play it after all that, just don't proceed after the myrthril refining quest, it's pretty much all downhill from there. will i play the dlc? unlikely, i think lizz and i will just watch a cutscene movie of those.

this game left me feeling empty and numb and not in a fun way. i wanted, so, so hard to like this game, and it all crashed around me in a beautifully overproduced and confusingly written cascade. i love you prompto, but even your cute little freckly face and terrible photography can't save this trainwreck of a game.

tl;dr - final fantasy xv sucks. i hope that 13, our next ff game, will be better.

[brokemultidotexe]

Unexpected Pt.11

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Summary: You never expected your trip to Seoul to end up like it does. You didn’t expect to step off the plane and have coffee pour down your shirt. You also didn’t expect the guy to offer to show you around the city. You notice things about him that don’t quite make sense, like how he shows interest but will only see you when he has the time which is at random hours during the day and night. Who knew your only friend in Seoul would turn out to be an international star and just how difficult things could get.

Word Count: 5.4k

Warning: None

Genre: Romance/Friendship

Part: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 6.5 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 10.5 | 11 | 12 |

You looked over to your left and saw that JK had fallen asleep before the two of you made it fifteen minutes into the movie. You shook your head and turned the movie off and decided to wait until he was up to watch it with him. He had been spending a lot more time with you, even if it was only for twenty minutes. It was nice seeing him more but each time you saw him he looked worse than before. You knew something was wrong and had asked him about it, but he told you that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. You dropped it and didn’t ask him again, but you couldn’t help but notice the toll that it was taking on him.

You set a timer on your phone for two hours. You figured it wouldn’t hurt to take a nap with him, because the weird hours of him coming over had your sleep cycle a little jacked up. You didn’t know what his schedule was so you figured two hours was a safe bet and decided to let him sleep. The couch wasn’t very big so it didn’t leave you a lot of room since JK was so tall. It wasn’t the first time he’d fallen asleep and taken up most of the room. Lately he seemed to be falling asleep around you more than usual. You leaned into him and let yourself drift off.

The two hours felt like two seconds because your alarm was going off only moments after you had set it. You opened your eyes and noticed that you were completely laid out on the couch and the warmth that had been there before was gone. You sleepily pushed yourself up into a sitting position.  You wondered if JK had left while you had fallen asleep. You grabbed your phone and turned off the alarm.

“You need to choose a different alarm, that sounds awful.” His voice said from the hall. He walked back into the living room to sit with you. You sleepily curled into his side and he wrapped  an arm around you. He got really quiet so you looked up at him. His worry lines were more prominent and looked lost in thought.

“Hey.” You said softly and he looked down at you. You hadn’t realized just how close the two of you were. You decided not to ask him the burning question you’ve wanted to know the answer to.  So you decided to break the silence. “I’ve noticed you’ve been falling asleep over here more. I’m worried about you. You’re pushing yourself too hard.” You bit your lip.

His eyes bore into yours, “Sleep has been escaping me lately. I guess I just feel comfortable with you, but I am sorry I keep falling asleep instead of spending time with you.”

“It’s still time, and I'm not complaining. It was just an observation that had me worried.”

“I promise, there isn’t anything to worry about. It will pass.” You nodded and he pulled you close and kissed the top of your head. “But unfortunately I do have to head back so I can practice.”

“You’ve been practicing every day. You really should take a break, even if it’s just for a day.” He gave you a smile and told you that he would call you later. You instantly missed the warmth when he left.

You realized you had gotten so used to him being around your apartment and being beside you when you napped or him just being around you in general. That it now felt weird when he wasn’t around, which didn’t make sense. There was no pattern to seeing him, it was basically when he had time and if you weren’t hanging out with Jackson.

At that thought your phone rang and you saw Jackson’s name pop up. You grabbed your phone, “Hey Jackson.”

“Hey, you busy?” you knew it was a nice way of asking if JK was there or not. It wasn’t that the two of them disliked each other...actually you weren’t sure what it was all about and you didn’t feel like trying to figure it out.

“Nope. What’s up?”

“You remember a few weeks ago I told you that if I could get tickets that I'd take you to that BTS concert, well it’s not really a concert but they’re performing. Well, I was able to score some at the last minute and wondered if you wanted to go.” You remembered the conversation, it was the day you bought that beanie for JK. You hadn’t realized that Jackson had been actively looking for tickets, so it kind of surprised you when he asked.

“Sure, I guess. When is it?”

“Tomorrow. It isn’t too far away luckily so we don’t have to travel too far or anything.” He seemed excited and it made you smile. He got excited over the smallest things. The two of you talked about specifics and you told him that you’d be ready to leave by the time he picked you up.

The rest of the night went quickly since you had to do laundry and also clean your apartment, it wasn’t that it was dirty, but you just needed something to do. You were in the middle of switching laundry when your phone went off. You finished up and went to check it. JK had text you.

JK: Hanging with you is 1000000x better than this

You couldn’t help but smile. The dynamic between the two of you had somehow shifted in the last few weeks. The feelings that you’d been fighting so hard against were start to seep through and it scared you. You couldn’t get attached or involved with him. Being attached was already out the window since the two of you had spent a majority of your time in Seoul, together.You never did get a response to your reply so you assumed that he was probably busy again, despite the fact it was two in the morning when he text you. You really wished he would sleep and take better care of himself. You loved dance just as much as he did but he was running himself into the ground.

You finished up what you could and then headed to bed. You really needed to get your sleep schedule back on track. You slept all the way into mid  day.

When you woke up you saw you had a message from JK.

JK: I probably won’t be able to come see you today, but promise me you’ll be completely inconsolable about it.

Y/N: I promise. It’s okay though, I have plans with Jackson. I meant to tell you last night but I forgot, so it works out.

There was no reply to that and honestly you didn’t really expect one. When Jackson was mentioned he always either changed the subject or went radio silent for a little bit before text you or calling you about something else. You knew for a fact that it was jealousy because of his statement the night he put your furniture together.

Boys say that girls are hard to understand but girls don’t even come close to guys and trying to figure out why they do what they do. The next message was Jackson reminding you to be ready by noon so the two of you could head to where the performance was without hitting any traffic. You dressed more for comfort than for fashion, but even you had to admit what you managed to throw together was pretty cute. The weather was still chilly sometimes but it had warmed up significantly than when you first arrived.

Jackson tried to give you a quick rundown on the group along with their names. You couldn’t keep the names straight so eventually he gave up, “Look I only came because you paid for the tickets. Odds are I won’t even like the rest of their songs.” Jackson decided the answer to your statement was to play some of their old songs. It seem they didn’t even stick to a certain type of genre, but it somehow worked for them.

The drive wasn’t too horrible and for the last half hour of it you and Jackson ended up talking about what both of you were like in high school. The both of you had been polar opposite in that time of your life. “Alright sunshine, we’re here.”

You looked up to see a stage off into the distance and a lot of people walking around. There was food and drink stalls, so it was basically a fair...but not. The both of you walked around and got food while waiting for the music to start, which didn’t take long. You heard the MC start talking about BTS and what not. You weren’t really focusing, you were casually walking and watching people freak out and run towards the stage. You rolled your eyes, “You realize this is a boy band right? I haven’t been into a boy band since N’SYNC.”

Jackson laughed, “Why are you so against kpop?”

“It’s not that I'm against it, I guess I just don’t get it. It’s cheesy songs with absolutely no real content. I bet you most of the kpop boy band songs are about love.” you laughed.

“BTS write their own lyrics and they don’t have a lot of love songs, so stop being narrow minded.” He gave you a mock glare, “Just enjoy your time with me and listen to good music.”

“Are you a BTS fanboy?”

Jackson shook his head, “I don’t know if I would call me a fanboy. But I like BTS and their music, they talk about a lot of things other idol groups don’t. They write, compose, and produce a lot of their own music.”

You found that interesting to say the least. Most artists in America didn’t write their own songs, so you figured you should at least respect the fact that they do. You flinched and covered your ears once the screaming started. You could see a line of guys up on the stage now and give a greeting. They didn’t spend much time talking oddly but from where you stood, which was pretty far back, you could see the choreography and you were very impressed. What they were doing wasn’t easy in any sense and the guy in the center was able to do that and sing without his voice wavering. “Damn.”

Jackson had a smug smile, “I told you.”

You stood there and listened to the song and Jackson was right, it wasn’t just a stupid love song. You didn’t move for a while, you ended up watching them dance through a few songs, but your eyes never left the guy that was normally in the center. He danced a lot like JK, which you had always admired.

“Wanna move closer?”

You looked over at Jackson completely forgetting that he was right beside you as you had been sucked into the performance. “Yeah sure, just let me get a drink. I’ll come find you.” Jackson nodded and headed towards the crowd. You went to the nearest stall to grab something with caffeine because you were exhausted. You heard the girl talking in front of you. “God, the way Jungkook moves is down right sinful. The things I would do to him...and his voice, god. He will forever be my bias.”

You bit your lip to keep from laughing at the girl in front of you. You continued to listen as they talked about Jungkook, whichever one that was, and found it quite hilarious...and graphic. Once they got their food and left you took a step up to the stall. “Can I just have a coke?” the person behind the stall went to get it.

You looked over at the stage because one of them had started talking to the crowd, he seemed winded which you couldn’t blame him. Each member started talking but you tuned them out once the person handed you the drink and you gave them cash and told them to just keep the change because you didn’t feel like messing with it.

When you started paying attention again they had moved on to the next song. You weaved through the people while you listened to the music and you couldn’t help but like each song you heard. So maybe Jackson was right about them being different. You would definitely be checking them out later to listen to some of their other songs. It took almost the whole song before you found Jackson dancing by himself in a small pocket in the crowd.

“Is everyone having fun?” everyone screamed in response and you had to cover one of your ears. Fan girls had iron lungs and the pitch of a flying creature when it came to boy bands.

“As you know we’re preparing for our comeback for our next album ‘The Most Beautiful Moment in Life’ and we’re really excited to share it with you. We all contributed on this album so we’re even more excited for you to hear it.”

Another voice picked up where he stopped, “Actually our maknae wrote his first full song which made it on the album.” the screaming was even louder than before, you managed to squeeze into a spot beside Jackson and you asked him to hold your drink while you fixed your boots that you had on that someone had decided to step on while you were walking through the crowd.

“I don’t think we should keep them waiting, do you? Here’s our first performance of ‘Save Me’. Let’s do it!” your head popped up at the voice, you heard it enough when you hung out with him but you were certain that JK wasn’t here and was most likely practicing. You were losing your mind and have now come to the point of hearing him when he isn’t around. Maybe you did hang out with him too much.

You thanked Jackson for holding your drink while you listened to the song. You really liked it and the lyrics were amazing, yet again. They had already won you over despite wanting to not be into a boy band. You actually really liked this song and decided that you’d probably add it to your Spotify playlist when it was released. You watched as all seven of them danced so in sync. You were in awe of it before but even more so now since it seemed they were always in sync with every choreography of every song.

When the song stopped all of the people in the group were breathing hard “We hope you enjoyed the song. JK anything you want to add?” the tallest asked.

“Yeah, I hope you enjoyed the song and please show it lots of love.” your heart practically stopped beating, you without a doubt couldn’t mistake that voice for anyone. You looked over at the stage and saw him standing there, your eyes got wide. You’d been watching him this whole time and hadn’t realized it. You didn’t hear anything else that was said after you saw him. It made sense why it seemed like the guy moved a lot like JK did. Your mind was running a thousand miles a minute.

You turned to Jackson “I need to go.”

“What? Why? Is everything okay?” he looked so confused and worried.

“I just need--” you couldn’t even finish your sentence the thought, “I’ll call you.”

You handed him your drink and weaved through the crowd, you faintly heard him calling your name but you kept walking. You needed to get away from the crowd of people. You didn’t really know what emotions you were feeling. As your mind was slowly processing what just happened some of the things in the beginning of your friendship made sense, like the mask. You walked a ways up the street and found a bench to sit on. It was far enough away from people that you felt like you could breathe. JK was an idol and part of you was so frustrated. He didn’t lie, technically, but for some reason you felt a small sense of betrayal. It didn’t make any sense. There were so many emotions that it was hard to identify them.

You weren’t sure how long you’d been sitting there but the crowd had mostly thinned out, so the event must be over. You saw a few SUVs pull up to the curb in your peripheral vision as you leaned back and ran your fingers through your hair. You didn’t know how he had kept this from you for months.

You stood up and stretched, your body aching a bit. This was a sign that you had been sitting there longer than you thought. It was the sound of his laugh that made you turn your head quickly. He was walking with the other people of his group to the SUVs. He was laughing with a few of them but you made eye contact with one person, and it wasn’t JK, it was Jimin the guy that had shown up at the dance studio when JK had taken you there. You were frozen and he seemed to be surprised seeing you standing there. He reached out and stopped JK from walking any further. He looked at Jimin in confusion and pushed him playfully but Jimin hit him in the stomach and tilted his head towards you.

What probably had only been a few seconds felt like minutes. His eyes had looked over at you and your stomach flipped, but this time it was different. It didn’t feel like butterflies, and it made you feel sick to your stomach. Neither of you said anything but what little color he did have in his face had left. Jimin leaned in and said something in JK’s ear and climbed into the SUV. The vehicles didn’t leave but the rest of the people had given the both of you as much privacy as they could.

“Y/N.” he started walking towards you but you put a hand up stopping him from walking any further. You didn’t know if you could have any type of conversation until you had a chance to process everything, you didn’t want to do or say anything rash. Part of you was irritated that he felt like he couldn’t tell you and part of you was hurt he didn’t think that he could trust you, and a million other feelings that you couldn’t quite explain.

“What are you doing here?” his voice shook a little..

You don’t know how you managed it, but Jackson’s name tumbled out. The two of you just continued to stare at each other. You were finally able to find your voice after a moment, “So you’re an idol?”

He looked scared, “Y/N I've been trying to figure out how to tell you. I’ve been going out of my mind trying to come up with some way of telling you that didn’t end badly.”

“So all of this,” you waved your hand around, “is the reason for the weird hours and you finding ways to fit me into your busy schedule while I wait around to see if I'll even get to see you.”

“Don’t say it like that, it has never been like that.” You hadn’t meant for it to come out so harshly, but part of you couldn’t help but feel irritated that you were basically at his beck and call while he lived his idol life. It hadn’t bothered you as much when you thought it was just him and his dance studio, which didn’t make sense, but finding out the real reason made you mad. You were trying your best to keep your emotions in check.

“This is bullshit.” the phrase came out in English which sounded weird after talking in Korean for so long, but you weren't sure how to express how you felt in Korean.

“Look, can we just go talk? I’ll find a way to make it work so we have time.”

Yet again, he had to try and fit you into his schedule, “Actually I'm not sure I can fit you into my schedule.” you bit your lip knowing what you were doing was petty, but you wouldn’t apologize. “I need time to process all of this.” you took a few steps back getting ready to walk away.

“Y/N, please! Why does it matter what my profession is? I’m still the same person, nothing has changed. How I am with you, that’s me. I’m just JK when I'm with you, I'm not an idol, I'm not part of BTS. I’m me.” He was pleading with you and you felt your chest tighten.

“Like I said, I just need some time to process and figure things out.”

“Please don’t shut me out.” he pleaded, but you said nothing. He looked like he was in physical pain and your instinct was to make him feel better, but this was one time that you couldn’t. “Will you text me then? Whatever your decision is, good or bad.”

You nodded, “I gotta go.” you turned and pulled out your phone. You immediately closed all the notifications from Jackson. You got yourself an Uber to take you home, you didn’t care about how much it would cost to take you back. It took everything in you not to look back and see if he was still standing there.

You were sitting on your couch curled up in your blanket watching a movie with Jackson. Truthfully you weren’t even watching it. You’d felt off the entire week and you really missed having JK around. You’d gotten so used to his presence being around all the time that the apartment seemed quiet and lonely without him there. You still hadn’t been able to fully figure out how you felt about everything, instead you’d spent the week doing whatever you could to keep yourself busy. The crazy thing was you knew your emotions didn’t fit the crime, which there wasn’t one.

The TV turned off and you looked up and then over at Jackson who was holding the remote, “You’ve been in your own world for the past week. You’ll barely talk and you won’t tell me what happened at the concert, which was when all of this started.”

You chewed your bottom lip, You couldn’t talk to him about it. JK had a right to his privacy and you didn’t want to cause him any issues. “I can’t talk about it.” you sighed.

“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Can you give me a cliff notes version? Give me something that will at least tell me what's going on. I’m worried about you. You’re never this quiet and you’ve closed yourself off with anything to do with the outside world. You haven’t left your apartment in a week.” You knew that he wasn’t going to drop it. He’d been getting frustrated with you more and more, and you couldn’t blame him. He tried to make you feel better but everything just felt off.

You turned yourself so you were facing him on the couch, “What would you do if you found out someone important to you had kept a huge secret from you?”

He seemed to think about the question, “Depends on how big the secret was.”

“Pretty big. To the point it could change a lot of things.” you started picking at the fringe on your jeans.

“Well, did they have a valid reason?” After a moment he nudged you when you didn’t answer.

“Kinda. That’s the part that’s complicated.”

“Have you talked to them about it?”

You shook your head, “No, I've gone radio silent until I can figure out how I feel about it all.”

“Let me ask you this, does the secret change what you think or feel about that person?” He was watching your every move and it you disliked him reading you so much.

“No, but there’s a lot of factors.”

He sighed, “I’m going to be blunt, is this about JK?” You tried so hard not to react but your heart started beating faster and you froze, “That explains a lot.”

“Jackso--”

“I know you care about him in a different way than you care about me. You’ve been miserable all week. Just call him and talk it out.”

“We’re just friends.”

“You suck at lying.” he laughed.

You opened your mouth to argue but there was a knock at your door. You got up off the couch and walked to the front door and opened it. You jumped when you saw JK standing there looking nervous. “JK what are you doing here? I told you I'd call yo--”

“It’s been a week and I've tried so hard to be patient, but I'm going out of my mind Y/N.” he rushed out.

“JK, now isn’t a good time. I’ll ca--”

“Actually it’s a perfect time you t--holy shit!” you spun around and saw Jackson standing there with his jacket getting ready to leave. You looked back at JK who had taken his mask off to talk to you. He looked startled and your mind was completely blank on what you should do or say. “You’re Jungkook.” he said shocked.

All three of you stood there awkwardly no one knowing what to say. Jackson looked at you, “This explains SO much and why you bolted at the concert. With that being said, I’m going to leave you two to talk things out.” He slid past you but still looked shocked to see JK standing at your front door.

“Jackson you can’t say anything.” You told him before he made it too far.

“I wouldn’t.” he said and then looked at JK, “Don’t let her push you away, she’s been moping around all week.”

“Jackson!” you yelled out.

“What? You both look miserable, so talk it out. Call me if you need me.” He slipped out the door leaving you and JK standing there awkwardly.

“Please just hear me out.” He pleaded with you softly.

You opened the door wider allowing him to come inside. He walked in and headed towards the living room. You followed behind him after shutting the door. He hadn’t taken a seat on the couch like you had expected him to. Instead he was still standing and was fidgeting. “Okay so what do you need to say?”

“Can you at least sit down?”

You nodded and obliged. You took your normal seat at the edge and tucked your feet beneath yourself and waited for him to start. He stood there, “JK?”

“Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out where to start.” he put his hands in his pants pockets before pulling them back out again. “I know you’re mad that I didn’t tell you sooner, and I get that. You have every right to be, but it wasn’t just me that I had to think about. Whenever I decided to tell you, it would then involve the other members. I wanted to tell you so badly, but part of me was worried that if you knew what I did or who I was to the public that things would change. I liked being able to be myself around you and I didn’t want to lose that. I can’t get that anywhere else but the dorms but they’re my brothers, it’s different. With you there wasn’t talk about work it was just me and you hanging out and sometimes that was the only thing that got me through my long days. I know not telling you was messed up, and I'm sorry. I tried to find a way to tell you multiple times ever since you mentioned BTS in your kitchen. I was scared that I would lose you if I told you because I didn’t tell you sooner, and I know that doesn’t make much sense but I didn’t want to lose you. Jimin told me that I needed to tell you because if you found out from anyone but me that it would be worse. I wish I could take back how you found out, not that you did but how it happened. I would do it all over and I would tell you in person so I could explain like I am now.”

You weren’t sure he took a breath at any point during his speech with how fast he was talking, but you were pretty sure you caught every word. You didn’t really think much about the fact that the other people in the group had to be taken into consideration. You felt guilt start to rise up in your chest from not talking to him. You could see the prominent dark circles under his eyes and the fact that he looked like he was going to pass out from exhaustion at any second. “JK…” You weren’t sure what you had planned to say, so his name died on your lips.

He walked around your coffee table and sat down on it across from you so it brought you two closer to each other, “I promise that I will be completely honest about everything from here on out. I talked with everyone the day you found out, once we had gotten back to the dorms. Jimin helped me explain the things I couldn’t put into words because I was still recovering from watching you walk away from me. Jimin was the only person that knew before the hyungs, and while the rest of them were confused at first and there were a lot of questions that I had to answer. I told them that you never pushed for answers I wasn’t willing to give and that you didn’t see me without a mask for the longest time. We talked for the rest of that day about everything and what possibilities there were now that you knew.” He paused and put his hand on your leg, “Y/N I've done everything I can think of. There are limitations to what I can talk to you about and things I can take you with me to. But those limitations are for the other members privacy and there are other things that we can talk about later, but please don’t push me away. Not seeing you or talking to you this whole week was one of the worst things I've had to endure in a long time.”

He sat there and waited for you to say something. “JK I've been trying to figure my emotions about this whole thing for a week. Yes, it sucked knowing that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I get not telling me in the beginning but we hang out almost every day and it’s been months. Plus I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re an idol. From what little Jackson told me in the past was that you guys were getting even more popular and that’s intimidating. Hell, I haven’t even had the guts to use Naver to look up BTS. It’s new for me just like it is for you, only you’re a celebrity and a shit ton of people know your name. You should hear the things those girls were saying at that concert.”

His face turned red, which meant he knew what girls thought about him. You’d never think he actually knew with the way he carries himself. “I’ll do whatever, I just don’t want to lose you. You mean a lot to me.”

You gave him a small smile, “You aren’t going to lose me. I still don’t know how I feel about everything and I'm still trying to figure out a lot of things with the new bit of information I have.”

He visibly relaxed, “would you be okay if I stayed for a little bit? I don’t have anything to do today, I honestly thought I'd be trying to convince you all night.”

You nodded, “You’re always welcome here, you know that.”

“Good.” He sat on the couch and leaned back, “Want to watch the movie from the last time I was here?”

You nodded, “Sure.” you got up to go through the stack of DVDs you had. “Hey what was the last thing you remember?” you called out over your shoulder. After a moment of no answer you turned around and JK was passed out on your couch like he always did. You smiled to yourself and got up to grab a blanket and sat beside him and got into a position you were comfortable with and decided to take a nap with him.

AN: I hope there aren’t too many mistakes in there, i tried to proof read it but i didn’t have a lot of time. So i just want to let you know that there are actually 3 other versions of how the reader finds out but i ended up choosing this one so hopefully this will satisfy everyone. I’ve you’ve stayed with the fic until now, you’re a trooper. Future chapters will be longer since I’m not confined into a small area of what the reader can do without finding out. Thank you guys for being patient, i tried my best to get it out as fast as i could without it being complete and total shit. This isn’t the best, but i can deal with the outcome of this one. I hope you at least enjoyed reading it and sorry it’s so long, i debated breaking it up into two chapters but i figured i have tortured you enough. Ugh! Why am i nervous to post this!?

*requests are OPEN*

[theintuitivewildflower]

This is a lesson that keeps coming back around at me; hence the pic I posted yesterday about the path being spiral. We think in terms of yes/no and black/white and stop/go or right/left ....However, if we repeat patterns of behavior, we might be living in victim mentality, survival mode or just plain bitter!

I have worked really hard at healing at what starting out, I thought, was from two relationships in my life.

After committing to this healing, self-development process; I've had to

1. face the fact that throughout my life I have CHOSEN to dance with devils. (I'll be opening up about this is my blog post coming out this week.)

2. I had WAAAYYYYYY more healing to do from early on in life; as far back as 3rd grade.

3. Healing and personal growth can honestly be PAINFUL and I understand why I hid from it for so long; and why so many others avoid it as well. It SEEMS easier to ignore it, hide it, cover it up, bandage it, repress it and forget about it !

THAT NEVER WORKS IN OUR BEST INTEREST!

Reopening old wounds is NEVER FUN! With personal growth, there will be growing pains; lots of them! However, along with each layer of hurt you work on (AND YOU CAN DO THIS IN SECTIONS, BABY STEPS); you get a little wiser, a little stronger, a little more brave, a bit more unguarded and a lot less bitter!

I first heard the phrase "HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE" in a song that my son played all the time his Junior year by RUSS called NOBODY TAKING MY BABY and it struck a chord with me and allowed for me to have an open conversation with my son about some of the extra healing I had realized I had needed for many years.

I can't help but wonder at age 41 with 2 years of focused effort in this area;

1. how much healing are my kiddos going to need from me because I only began healing at age 39

2. if I had healed from trauma's before marriage; would it have ended in divorce

3. if I had healed from early trauma's and divorce would I have stayed in a toxic relationship for as long as I did

4. would I have lived with victim mentality forever

5. WHY IN THE HELL DID WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF AT HOME, IN THE LIGHT, WITH FAMILY; A SUPPORT SYSTEM? WHY IS IS SO COMMON TO BRUSH HURT UNDER THE RUG THINKING IT ISN'T GOING TO GET DIRTY AND FESTER? IT FESTERS, IT HURTS AND IT RIPPLES OUT AND HURTS OTHERS; USUALLY THOSE WE LOVE MOST! THEN, YOU HAVE TO HEAL FROM MORE HURT, GUILT OR SHAME OVER THE FACT THAT YOU NOT HEALING CAUSED HURT AND PAIN TO INNOCENT BYSTANDERS; YOU START PUSHING AWAY PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID YOU ARE GONNA HURT THEM TOO!

I was writing bigger to try to demonstrate this festering visual, the ripple effect that ignoring our hurts and refusing to face it can bring. To heal you must face facts, face the hurt again, face the pain AND own up to our own part in the mess; you also, layer by layer, shed your own ego to get down to that forgive others and usually yourself too which is hard for a lot of us to admit.

I thought about quitting this process several times; especially in those dark nights of the soul experiences where Universe and God basically shut everything down to get your attention and make you FACE YOURSELF!!

So now, in terms of dating, I'm super cautious! Knowing myself enought to accept and understand my darker side and why dancing with devils and bad boys was enticing to me early on and still is; I have to keep my ego in check and be very MINDFUL; asking myself ALL THE TIME; is this one feeding my soul or feeding my ego because my SOUL IS WHAT IS LONGING TO BE LOVED AND TO LOVE!!

iNSTANT GRATIFICATION CAN BRING LONG TERM PAIN AND ON THE FLIP SIDE; EVEN IF WE WANT TO LOVE AND THINK WE HAVE HEALED WE CAN'T FORGET TO NOURISH OUR OWN SOUL IN THE MEANTIME!!!

THE REASON FOR THAT AND ALL OF THIS IS SO SO SIMPLE AND WE HUMANS WITH OUR UNHEALED HURTS AND TRAUMAS MAKE IT SO COMPLICATED!!!

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE AND YOU CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP!! YOU CAN ONLY LOVE ANOTHER AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!

Many wonder and ask why I share so much with you publicly and it is because it is important!! THE BREAKDOWN IN FAMILY AND COMMUNICATION ISN'T IMPROVING WITH THE INCREASE IN TECHNOLOGY AND THE WAY WE COMMUNICATE WITHOUT REAL COMMUNICATION!

AT SOME POINT, FOR YOU, FOR YOUR KIDS, FOR THE OTHER PARENT, YOUR PARTNER, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FUTURE, YOUR HAPPINESS FOR YOUR BEST INTEREST

YOU MUST APPLY THE LESSONS AND BEGIN HEALING! SO WHAT IF YOU HAVE SO MUCH HEALING THAT ALL YOU CAN SEE IN YOUR FUTURE IS HEALING WORK AND WOUNDS TO REOPEN, TOXICITY TO CUT OUT AND TOXIC PEOPLE TO DETACH FROM;

DO IT

AT LEAST YOU WILL BE MOVING IN A BETTER DIRECTION THAT THE PAIN YOU FEEL AND THE PAIN YOU CAUSE WHEN YOU PRETEND YOU ARE OKAY AND YOU AREN''T!

IT WILL TOUCH EVERY SINGLE PART OF YOUR LIFE AND RIPPLE INTO OTHER'S !

I will always see the beauty in the beast, the bad in the good and that is not a bad quality to have! As I continue to grow as an empath I am learning to trust my intuiition and the more you trust it the more you perfect it! I have had run in's with th devil but I am able to end them quickly when I feel my energy and healing progress and growth are in danger!! I protect it over anything because I DID THE WORK TO GET THIS FAR AND I'M NOT DONE! NO ONE IS GOING TO MAKE BE TAKE STEPS BACKWARDS IN THE HEALING JOURNEY...THAT IS THE TENACITY YOU WILL GET YOU FEEL WHAT HEALING FEELS LIKE COMPARED TO LIVING WITH HURT AND PAIN!

DIDN'T MEAN TO RANT BUT IF YOU FOLLOW THEN YOU KNOW IT HAPPENS! I KNEW AFTER THIS LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS OF FACING MYSELF AGAIN, LEARNING A LESSON AGAIN, CATCHING MYSELF FROM JUMPING INTO OLD PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR THAT DO NOT ALIGN WITH MY PURPORSE AND NO LONGER SERVE ME!

i ALSO SHARE TO YOU MEN, BECAUSE I HAVE MEN IN MY FAMILY, MEN FOR FRIENDS AND MEN: FROM MY HEART TO YOURS AND I HAVE ASKED MANY MANY LADIES.....,....WE,

REAL WOMEN ANYWAY,

DON'T WANT YOUR DICK PICKS!!! WHY DO YOU ANY OF YOU WITH A PENIS THINK YOU SHOULD EVER LEAD WITH THAT?

WE WOULD RATHER YOU TELL US UP FRONT WHAT WOUNDS YOU HAVE LEFT UNHEALED AND HOW YOU PLAN TO APPROACH YOUR HEALING PROCESS!!

WHAT IF YOU COULD BE LOVED LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN LOVED BEFORE IF YOU COMMITTED TO HEALING AND GROWTH? SOMETHING TO CONSIDER! I MEAN SOME OF GUY BUDDIES, I ASK THEM.....HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP UP THE PACE AND BACHELOR LIFESTYLE OR INSTEAD OF GIVING 10 WOMEN 10 PERCENT WHAT ABOUT TRYING ONCE MORE GIVING ONE WOMAN 100 PERCENT! SOME OF US AREN'T GOING TO HAVE ANYONE TO ROCK ON THE PORCH WITH OR TO CHANGE OUR DEPENDS IF WE DON'T STOP THESE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR AND CHOOSING INSTANT GRATIFICATION OVER BEING REAL AND HONEST WITH OURSELVES AND OTHERS!

CAN WE ALL JUST TAKE OUR MASKS OFF ALREADY!!! WE ALL GOT ISSUES MY GOODNESS!! WE ALL GOT ISSUES AND WHEN WE DON'T DEAL WITH THOSE ISSUES.......THEY ONLY CIRCLE RIGHT BACK AROUND TO US; AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL WE FINALLY LEARN AND APPLY THE LESSON!!

GUYS:

WE KNOW YOU GREW UP THINKING AND BEING CONDITIONED TO "NOT HAVE FEELINGS" BUT COME ON??? TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FAMILY HISTORY; WHAT PATTERNS ARE THERE IN YOUR PAST THAT TOUCHED YOUR LIFE? , WHAT ABOUT MEN NOT SHOWING SENSITIVITY, FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS RIPPLED INTO YOUR LIFE!!

WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO KNOW THAT SOME WOMEN, REAL WOMEN ANYWAY,

THINK IT IS THE SEXIEST THING EVER TO FIND AN AWAKENED MAN THAT IS OPEN MINDED ENOUGH TO APPROACH HEALING; WHO WANTS TO LEARN TO BETTER COMMUNICATE, STOP HURTING OTHER PEOPLE AND LEARN TO STOP REPEATING PAST PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR SO THE CYCLE OF TIT FOR TAT AND HURT FOR HURT CAN END!?!?

MY VERY TRANSPARENT TWO CENTS ......PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?!