#genuinely is it possible to have hyperfixations without adhd or autism or anything like that because.

[lakemichigans]

day 29 of watching until dawn playthroughs until i pass out

[yinlotus]

once again my undiagnosed adhd and autism is kicking my butt.

i still can’t figure out what i should major in. and my break from school is unfortunately being cut short because of my parents (i was hoping to have a full gap year but they want me back in school next month 😵‍💫 which is insane because they're not being helpful. and without a diagnosis will anything really change just because i took 3-5 months off?)

i have to go to community college because my gpa absolutely crashed so much that most universities probably wouldn't accept me right now. and my local school has pathways to transfer to a regular 4 year uni with a major in those pathways

anyways i can’t tell if i want to do an anthropology or physics pathway (two completely unrelated topics, i know)

i like them both but i don't know if i like them because of my hyperfixations or because i actually want to do it.. how do i differentiate that?

examples:

i majored in game design for a year. in reality i didn’t actually like 3d design/vfx, it turns out that animated things is a major visual stim for me. (narrative design is still something i enjoy but writing is definitely a hobby over a main career to me. no thoughts on programming: i don't dislike it but i also don't particularly love it. its just something i'm good at, it can be fun at times)

i also majored in astrophysics for a year. i liked it.. but the fact that all i could do was look at data through a computer and not actually research planets physically put me off from it — the idea of having a career where my work doesn’t actually do much in my own lifetime isn't something i enjoy

now do i want to do anthropology because i'd enjoy it or do i just like a slightly below surface level version... would i even enjoy the work environment? Is this a topic that i just like because as an AuDHDer, it's fascinating to learn as much as possible about the human experience

do i want to do physics because it's a hyperfixation or do i genuinely like this long term?

hhhhhhhh y'all i am struggling

could anyone in these two majors or graduates please tell me some pros and cons + the experience of them?

[actuallyverynormalbtw]

while i do agree that the system community should not encourage behaviors of fear and avoidance towards media, i dont think calling systems that do not work like yours "unrealistic" is fair or factual.

it is also potentially very triggering, given that self-doubt and denial are a genuine mental health problems for systems. your point is entirely understandable considering your perspective, but nonetheless, ableist towards other systems. this especially effects systems with higher levels of dissociation; c-DID / polyfragmented systems; systems with high fictive counts and/or primarily introjected alters; systems with ADHD, autism, maladaptive daydreaming, OCD, tourettes, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety, and/or substance abuse disorders; systems with social isolation, rejection, and/or ostracization trauma...

i am sure you meant no harm, and of course i would never expect any given mentally ill person to be fully educated on every possible experience, comorbidity, and subdiagnosis of their mental illness, so i dont mean this as a call out, criticism, attack, or anything like that. i am just hoping you will hear out my point as your peer and a mental health advocate.

while many systems may only split introjects while consuming media under trauma, stress, and life transitions, and while that does tend to be the more common experience: it is not unrealistic to split an introject due to the act of media consumption or hyperfixation.

in fact, it is a trait found among systems with a low split threshold, a trait documented in polyfragmented DID / complex DID. this symptom falls under "complex splitting structure", which occurs due to the higher levels of dissociation and subsequent nervous system dysregulation. it is perfectly plausible for many complex DID systems to split in response to very minor stressors or changes. they may split when sleep deprived, when unable to make a certain decision, when experiencing a new circumstance, when a circumstance is repeated continously, when they make a certain connection or realization, when they travel somewhere new, when they consume a certain or unfamiliar chemical substance, and yes, when they consume media. consider any internal or external fluctuation, no matter how observedly minor or mild, to be a risk factor for disturbing this sort of nervous system to the extent of a split. every systems is different, as is every polyfragmented / complex system, so every system will split in different circumstances for reasons ultra-specific to their neurotype and experiences.

also, hyperfixation is an inherently stressful experience for your body, nervous system, and brain. it is perfectly reasonable, and even likely in some circumstances, for a system (with or without c-DID / polyfragmentation) to split due to hyperfixation. consider that hyperfixation is a state of intense focus with an inherently dissociative element to it, most often resulting in episodic self-neglect. hyperfixation causes a worsening of interoceptive skills and priority-based executive function, causing many to become dehydrated, malnourished, sleep deprived, socially isolated, and with neglect to personal hygeine. as in, a sudden decrease in physiological satisfaction and safety. this disrupts the state of homeostasis, resulting in nervous system activation. not only that, but hyperfixation is a rigid and obsessive experience that inherently causes stress when unable to engage, when others show distaste and disinterest, when it fades away, and for numerous other reasons. people have lost jobs, dropped out of school, and become hospitalized as a result of severe hyperfixations. not to mention the existence of symptom holding alters. my point being, despite it's enjoyability and regulatory qualities, it makes perfect sense for some systems to split due to hyperfixation and it makes sense for certain system structures for this to happen routinely.

i also want to add that the dissociative brain is not an exact science. our sense of time and stress can be distorted or nonsensical. splits can happen whenever and for whatever reason due to the brain's structural development. some systems consist of mostly, even entirely, of introjected alters. this makes sense to me, considering the neurotype's difficulty/disruption in constructing identity. splits due to media consumption can even be a positive thing, when they occur due to the character introjected symbolizing a certain lesson/belief/skilll/etc. a split occurs as a result of abnormally high levels of dissociation and/or because the brain believes it to be necessary, which is not necessarily always co-occuring with stress. while stress and trauma are frequently the cause, due to the origin of the disorder, it is not unrealistic for other factors to play a part.

i encourage you to ally yourself with systems who's experiences differ to your own, especially those with complex and non-normative system structures. and i especially encourage you to make peace with experiences you cannot make sense of. life, especially as a dissociative individual, is an unfathomably nonsensical and uniquely complex experience. there are billions of lived experiences out there that we are psychologically incapable even imagining. some things that dont make sense to you, arent so far off from another's lived reality. it can also be helpful for your own system to shed notions of this illness "making sense". in our experience, a focus on the Why as opposed to the What is ultimately more stress than the effort is worth. splits happen, sometimes they happen to be introjects, there is truly nothing unrealistic about it for brains like ours.

i know i took a lot of words to explain my point and i apologize for my inability to shorten or simplify. thank you for reading if you did so, i really do appreciate your time, energy, and consideration towards my point. i hope i dont come across and insensitive or rude, and i do apologize if that is the case because that is not remotely my intention.

id also like to clarify the point of view this is coming from. which would be from an autistic polyfragmented system of primarily brainmade alters and a low fictive count. i am definitely not a primary source on the topic of introjects or fictives, just an ally and a student. we have had a special interest in clinical psychology for almost 10 years, with almost 5 years of particular focus on abnormality, autism, trauma, and dissociation (as to explain my particular passion and knowledge on the subject).

Friendly reminder

No, you'll most likely not split a character because you watched a show or read a book. While yes if you're under stress or other strong negative emotions/life things and you fixate on a media as a way to escape then it's possible. But simply being "hyperfixated on a show and splitting an alter" is not very realistic.

After all this disorder is a coping mechanism for trauma and things similar to that. Not a randomized introject machine.

You don't have to be afraid or avoid interacting with media because of this.

(I swear this made more sense when I first wrote it but I accidentally deleted it 😭😭)

(below cut I'll talk about our experiences)

Yes, we did split an introject the day a manga came out. The day we read the first chapter. However coincidentally at the same time we were going through really really shitty family stuff that hurt like a motherfucker... still does

Or me (the introject writing this). I split after we finished watching the show I'm sourced from. But again it was not because we watched a show. It was because we were going through a rough relationship issues which ended in a breakup. Our entire system was in panic mode for weeks. It was painful and tbh kinda traumatic... -🪐

[seasidefallenangel]

hq characters with a neurodivergent s/o

✰ neurodivergency refers to someone with adhd and/or autism.

sugawara koushi;

○ he tries his best to offer as much support as possible. he can’t say he understands a lot of it, but he absolutely sympathizes with you. you don’t have to worry a ton when you have more off days, or in the event you have rsd, that he’ll get upset with your feelings. he knows you genuinely can’t help it, and very rarely gets upset to point where he’d need a little distance from you

○ picks up on the concept of hyperfixations fairly easily. he can’t even begin to imagine how horrible it is - if one day he woke up and his passions meant nothing to him anymore. if you have a hard time making friends because of how quickly and intensely your interests change, he makes an effort to try and get into some of the new stuff you pick up. he can’t always guarantee he’ll like it or anything, but he’s always willing to listen to you infodump

○ if he spots any sort of fidget toy/stressball/etc, he’ll buy one for you. he’s not sure if they actually help you a lot, but you always seem super grateful for it. he’ll take notice of what ones you tend to reach for more and try to gear towards getting those ones for you

○ as patient as he is, he does have his moments where he can get overwhelmed with you. times where your impulsivity, aggression or other symptoms of neurodivergency become too much for him to handle can lead to him snapping a little. he’ll make sure to leave the room as he knows it’s not your fault and you don’t act like this on purpose, but he’s only human. he makes sure afterwards to let you know he’d never blame you for what you can’t help, and to not be too hard on yourself in these situations

nishinoya yuu;

○ there’s honestly a fair chance he had adhd himself, even if he doesn’t realize it. you’ve never explicitly said you think he is to his face, but sometimes you hint that the way you treat certain things is really similar

○ he’s a big believer that being spontaneous keeps a relationship fun and interesting, which is both a blessing and a curse. on some days, something new and unknown is exactly what you need to stimulate your brain and keep your attention. other days it’s hard to find purpose in doing anything at all, and keeping up with his energy proves to be difficult

○ he really doesn’t want to get annoyed with you, but it tends to happen pretty often. he recognizes you’re not purposefully trying to make him mad and in return he’ll try his hardest to never lash out at you. there’s been a few moments where it was just  impossible to control himself (another sign of someone who’s nd, you noted afterwards), but both of you understand each others grievances and are able to work past it

kageyama tobio;

○ at first, he’s not going to take you seriously. he’s the type to say that you're just avoiding your problems, making up excuses, overreacting. the “if you want to do something, then just do it” type of person. he doesn’t really think he’s coming off as being an asshole, but when there’s a very noticeable rift between the two of you, he starts racking his brain for what might’ve made you upset and eventually puts two and two together

○ it takes time, as many things like this do. you’ll have to really sit down and explain things to him, and he slowly starts to understand. he’ll tell you some of this stuff reminds him of himself before brushing it off and never questioning it again. you absolutely suspect he’s on the spectrum but won’t bring it up until he either asks you or starts thinking about it himself - which happens when you accidentally mention how volleyball seems to be his special intrest

○ it can be... difficult to say the least. he can’t really keep up all that well with sudden shifts and the irritability you often show over things that seemingly don’t matter. sometimes it’s hard for him to not take things personally, and the fact you two seem so similar in this regard raises a fair amount of problems. you both have to learn from the issues and work together to co-exist peacefully, but it’s very worth it in the end

tsukishima kei;

○ tsukishima will pick on almost anyone for almost anything. this is something he will absolutely never joke about. he made the mistake once early on - something about a test grade - and had to deal with your emotional outburst, following a meltdown, over how you tried so hard but nothing makes sense. you can’t just sit in a class and learn like he does, you’ll never be normal, never be good enough-

○ he had to stop the downward spiral in the middle of the sidewalk, but he was too shaken up to worry about embarrassment. that sort of reaction wasn’t normal by any means, and when he got home that night he tried looking into why exactly that happened. the complete shift in attitude the next day was jarring you to, but the genuine apology was even more jarring. he doesn’t apologize easily, but something about having made fun of a neurological disorder you’ve suffered with your whole life just doesn’t sit well in his stomach

○ he picks up extremely quickly, even for him. he’s very perceptive of when you’re more on-edge than usual and reminds himself to be patient with you. he’s not coddling in public (unless you’re having some sort of breakdown or panic attack) but it’s noticeable that he doesn’t make any sort of jabs at you like he does with most others

○ helps tutor you without any gripes. he won’t lie and say he gets how hard it is for you to understand certain concepts, but he’s aware things don’t come as easily to other people like it does to him. very thorough in explaining whatever you have difficulty with and tries coming up with real life examples to help it make more sense. if it does become too much for him (he’s still a high schooler regardless of how he acts), he’ll end the session and let you know it’s nobody’s fault 

kuroo tetsurou;

○ one of, if not at the top of the list, the best people to date if you’re neurodivergent. he takes this extremely seriously and doesn’t doubt you at all when you explain how it feels like everyday your disorder slowly rips you apart until there’s nothing left. every part of your life is affected by this and he wants to be able to help you feel as normal as possible despite everything weighing you down

○ puts a lot of time and research into your disorders. he wants to understand what’s helpful and what’s counterproductive without bothering you about it since he doesn’t know if you might react badly. he has a very good balance of figuring out how to help you cope in certain scenarios even if they’re not ideal and removing you from a situation where things are just too heavy for you to handle

○ he really stresses how important it is you talk to him about your boundaries, things you need, moments where you’re overwhelmed, etc. he can’t imagine life has been that easy for you thus far and tries to do everything he can, from helping with schoolwork, getting fidget toys, introducing you to new things that may help, and anything in between. he never wants you to feel as if you’re a burden or difficult because of what you can’t control, and will bend over backwards to prove it

kozume kenma;

○ kenma is fairly well versed in online topics and this is one that comes up often. given how perceptive he is towards the world around him, he was pretty easily able to figure out that something was different about you far before you started dating. he doesn’t speak about it much with you but does a lot behind-the-scenes to help make everyday life easier

○ given that kenma is always getting into new games and franchises, he’s able to help make the time in between hyperfixations more bearable. you had described to him how empty and monotone everything feels when you aren’t focused on something specific and he really hates picturing you so lifeless because your brain just won’t let you consume things normally. even if you aren’t playing the game so much as just watching his do it, he feels better knowing there’s something distracting you

○ something important to remember is that you’re not the only one who can act out or get overwhelmed easily. kenma hates being pushed out of his comfort zone and imagines it the same for you, so he makes sure to never put you in a place where you might face sensory overload or anything of the sort. he expects the same treatment back. infodumping is fine and he’ll nod and listen to you, but if there’s a point where you become suffocating then he’ll ask you to take a step back and give him a moment. wants to avoid triggering anything rsd-related so he’ll specify this isn’t your fault and that everyone makes him feel this way at some point

oikawa tooru;

○ quite possibly one of the worst people to go through this with you at the start. oikawa puts his soul into everything he does even if it shatters him, so some of your behaviors might not sit well with him. a lot of people who are neurodivergent have something they naturally excel in and in the same vein, end up dropping or disregarding because they no longer hyperfocus on it. it reminds him too much of a certain kouhai who had all the ability oikawa did with none of the years of practice it took him to get there, and puts a bad taste in your mouth

○ explain to him it’s not fair that he treats you in a way that implies you enjoy living like this, because you’d give anything to keep interests you have for longer than a few weeks or months, regardless of how much you try to force yourself to stay into it. he re-evaluates himself and realizes he’s in the wrong. he’ll never fully understand how it affects you but he’ll listen and learn about it, ask questions, study how he can help. he compares how you hyperfixate to how much he’ll focus on volleyball and knows this has to be an equally giving relationship in regards to respecting the other interests

○ he’ll have his moments where he can’t pretend that he’s able to handle your mood swings and inability to just sit down and pay attention to something. you tell him he wouldn’t be normal if he was somehow okay with everything you do. an afternoon where he practices in the gym by himself and you sit and binge watch something is good enough for some breathing room without causing any unclosable rift to appear. he’ll may sure he’s listening intently when he comes home and you go into detail about a new hobby of yours. he’s trying his absolute best, i promise you

bokuto koutaro;

○ it’s highly likely bokuto has adhd himself. it’s one of those things adults just say to kids when they’re being hyperactive without actually knowing all the things that come with having adhd, but the older bokuto got the more he looked into it and realized it might actually be a thing for him. there’s a lot of neurodivergent-related issues you have that sometimes fly over his head or he has to go back and think about again, but he’s the last person who ever wants to cause any issues for you

○ he’ll ask you questions regarding if you think he has adhd and some of the signs that make it recognizable. he’s terrified at the idea volleyball might just be a hyperfixation of his, but feels much better when you explain special interests and how if anything it would fall under that category for him. these conversations are a very intimate bonding moment for both of you, given how vulnerable you really have to be to let all your weaknesses be known without worry of ridicule. he wouldn’t trade the knowledge of having your trust so deeply for the world

○ bokuto, for as supportive as he is, can stimulate your brain in a bad way. he’s easily excitable and often has volume issues, and more than a few times has he triggered sensory overload for you. he feels horrible whenever it happens and wants to comfort you so badly, but knows the best thing is for him to just quiet down and leave you be. he never takes it personally and goes into “emo mode” because he knows how serious it can be. the only time he’ll get close in this moments is if you have a panic attack because of it in which case he tries helping you steady your breath and stop shaking. normally you’d hate being touched when you’re like this, but his arms and warmth work wonders for your psyche

tendou satori;

○ it’s terrifying how in-tune he is with you. it’s almost like you’re just talking about the weather instead of you trying to scratch the skin off your arm while your brain got the better of you. stimming, hyperfocusing, lack of interest, social interaction issues, you can talk to him about literally anything related to your neurodivergency and he’ll be on the exact same wavelength as you. he’s able to adapt very easily and can read your irritability, mood swings and any triggers you might have. is excellent at getting you out a situation before it becomes too much for you to bear

○ tendou is another character who always has something new to show you, so he’s also very good at filling the gap between hyperfixations. he’s somehow able to completely keep up with your infodumping and even will do something similar of the sort right back you. he loves finding new games and anime and will automatically partake in anything you show him. it really helps you mentally since you never feel like you’re talking too much or uncomfortably passionate about anything since he seems so genuinely interested in what you have to say

○ is extremely protective and defensive of you when it comes to others questioning why you act a certain way or do certain things. there’s probably a little bit of a personal tie there since he got bullied for being different when he was a kid, and he absolutely hates when people are derided because they don’t follow the falsely conceived notion of normalcy. you’re not harming anyone, why should it matter what you’re doing? if you’re insecure about stimming in public though, he invests in fidgets cubes for you to keep in your pockets to play with secretly so nobody notices anything out of the ordinary. his main goal is to make sure you’re happy no matter how much your head tries to tell your otherwise. really, he just loves you more than anything else

kita shinsuke;

○ if anyone else treated this the way mr. no gaps does, you’d absolutely freak out on them - but for some reason since it’s kita it comes off as comforting. he’s the type that doesn’t let you use disorders as a restriction or excuse to let yourself settle for mediocrity, but he makes it obvious that he wants to see you thrive despite the things holding you back. he’ll never put you in a situation he thinks will trigger any sort of attack, rather things he know you can handle if you put a little more faith in yourself and your abilities

○ if he sees you’re spiraling and can’t take any sort of outside forces interacting with you a ton then he’ll make sure you have a day or two off to yourself. he won’t criticize or ridicule you for anything and goes along with whatever whims you feel (or in same cases, don’t feel like doing anything at all.) understands there’s a very important balance you need to maintain in order to go through life feeling even semi-decent and doesn’t want to jeopardize any progress you’ve made towards helping yourself

○ likes to play casual volleyball in the backyard when you’re stable and attentive enough to understand what’s going on around you. if it becomes a hyperfixation of yours then he’ll be glad to go more in depth so long as it doesn’t hit a point where it’s damaging your ability to interact with anything else. he’s a big believer that moving your body and being outside helps relax you, even if you’re not enthusiastic at the moment about it. he won’t let anybody - not your family, not an outsider, not even yourself - look down on you for any disability you have

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* 　　 *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

✰ this was stupid self indulgent but idc!! i’m neurodivergent myself and let it be known that if you say you have hyperfixations and you’re not nd i will stick your arm in a deep fryer <3

[omnipah]

So. @campanulaflora asked if I had any more thoughts about nd wei ying and. I super do, I’ve just been less vocal about them because my thoughts are. less focused? And part of that is that I’m less familiar with the dx criteria of his conditions (or the ones I read him as having), even tho they’re things I also have, but part of it is also just that I see him as having multiple neurodivergencies that aren’t necessarily related, which makes it complicated.

(Disclaimer, this is maybe gonna be a less Fun analysis cus I’m gonna be talking about The Trauma, so proceed with awareness, if not caution)

Like, with lan zhan, u could make a case that he also has ptsd, or social anxiety, or any number of other things, but those all jive very much with his autism in a way that makes it easy to talk about all as one big picture. e.g social anxiety is a very natural, and common, thing to develop in autistics in any situation, because we get used to being misinterpreted, or told we’re communicating ‘wrong’, or told we’re rude, or boring, or too nerdy, so we learn to fear those interactions and approach with caution, and that in itself is also a trauma. And like, the kinds of other traumas lwj has, tho not necessarily related to his autism, interact with it very directly, like how he was always the ‘favourite student’ because he was quiet and was easily led into black-and-white thinking, but then later had to deal with the repercussions of realising that there’s no ‘teacher’ to ‘please’ in real life and that things are more complicated that he’d been allowed to consider; similarly with losing his mother, part of the grief there seems to me to be about losing one of the very few people who genuinely liked spending time with him and wanted to understand him.

Whereas, while wei ying obviously has similar traumas to do with his adhd, like how he was always the ‘least favourite student’ because he found it hard to focus, especially without fidgeting, which was probably not allowed, he has some other traumas which are more or less unrelated, but which interact with his pre-existing neurodivergency in a complex way. Like, his traumas from when he was homeless are, at their root, unrelated to him having adhd, but also the way his ptsd presents is probably very much affected by the fact that he also has adhd, and the same can be said of when he gets super depressed in the burial mounds because of the conflict between the grief of losing his former life, vs the absolute certainty that he has to help the wens, because the alternative is unthinkable.

So my thoughts on just his adhd are pretty generic. Like, his nose-touching stim is a textbook thing to keep himself focused, while also possibly having positive associations that make him feel happy/safe because of how yanli always boops him on the nose (because she’s wonderful). There’s also the stuff about having memory problems, which he mentions a whole lot, and the stuff about how he Cannot Sit Right Ever, which is also a stim. And the fact that he’s so bored and unfocused in his lessons, which we know are lessons he’s already learned, even tho later he becomes an inventor, because of that adhd thing of only being able to focus on something he personally thinks is interesting, so instead in school he focuses on lan zhan as a potential friend, kind of as a puzzle to solve, and also as someone he feels challenges him intellectually. Also, I’m not sure it’s ever canon, but his sleep schedule is definitely a nebulous and unfocused thing – we do see some of that when he’s researching about jc’s golden core, but again that’s the thing of how hyperfixation trumps literally everything, even basic need to eat or sleep.

But a lot of those things are things that could also be chalked up to ptsd or depression, or which are very much exacerbated by overlap in symptoms – the memory problems are a super obvious example, especially when we also know he has stress nightmares and his phobia of dogs. But also the way his hyperfixations are almost always related to his morality, either in getting revenge against wen chao and co, or in how he can make life better for jc or the wen remnants, because u could make a case that that’s just what he personally finds interesting and that’s because he’s a good person, but also it very much interacts with the way he was brought up to put himself second to ‘earn’ his parents’ conditional love.

Then there’s also, springing from that, the question of RSD vs depression/low self esteem. Cus on the whole, wei ying is impressively comfortable with being rejected by literally everyone for the sake of helping a few people in need, at least on the level that he says he’s never regretted it. And he doesn’t really seem to care about being judged by lqr, which is correct because lqr has bad opinions, but it’s still impressive. But when it comes to more personal stuff, like if he thinks he’s being rejected by lwj or jc, he gets a lot more emotional and sometimes self-destructive, which super smacks of RSD. But then those reactions are very similar to his other emotional outbursts or episodes, like how the trauma of his first stay in the burial mounds prompts him to push people away, or how he gets lonely and demotivated when living there with the wens.

Tl;dr he’s complicated and I love him a whole lot, but I’m not sure I have well-defined thoughts on him. Do feel free to weigh in if u have anything to add tho!!

[loghorizonfunfacts]

Some personal Akatsuki ramblings

I rarely talk about Akatsuki herself in length -- usually when I’ve spoken about her in the past, it was about her role in the story as it pertains to Shiroe. I have a draft for my character analysis of her that’s been rotting away in my drafts for like, 2 or 3 years now but I’ve never been able to finish it. (I know what’s to come in future volumes, but without an official translation, I’m hesitant to take my own Google Translated-interpretations at face value.)

Some of this will be quite personal, maybe a bit controversial as well, so I’m keeping the bulk of it under a read more. (Mobile users... sorry.)

One thing that has slightly bothered me over my past few years in the LH fandom is how often Akatsuki gets reduced to either “best girl” or “failure love interest who sees a middle school girl as a rival”. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with liking Akatsuki for her awkward quirkiness, or disliking her because her insecurities (and the character arc resulting from it) are rooted in a rather unrealistic character gimmick (somehow looks like an elementary schooler as a college student?). But I think it’s completely overlooking the root reason why Akatsuki is the way she is.

While I initially had a negative reaction to volume 6 when I first read it, after time (and an official translation), I’ve found myself intensely relating to Akatsuki’s situation. Though I’m not completely qualified to speak about this and would like some insight into the matter from people with more knowledge/experience in the subject, it seems to me that Akatsuki may in fact be autistic (or at the very least, neurodivergent in some form).

I speak from the perspective of a (maybe) neurotypical person (more about that later), so perhaps someone would disagree with me. However, I think Akatsuki’s awkwardness is rooted in something deeper than mere “she isn’t good at talking,” which is where most people find her relatable and then stop there.

In volume 6, she explicitly says that she’s never had friends her own age. When she gets grilled for her lack of communication, she bemoans the fact that she doesn’t know how to express her feelings and can’t just show people what she’s thinking. Even Shiroe points out in volume 5 that they have difficulty keeping conversations going, and after he asks her to provide a conversation topic when she protests this, she comes up short.

Akatsuki’s almost hyper-focus on the master-ninja roleplaying (which Shiroe also explicitly gets weirded out by, and cause other characters concern) seems in line with the “restricted interests and repetitive behaviors” often found in those with autism. Whenever Shiroe tries to gently suggest he’s not interested in his role in their assumed roleplay, she digs her heels in and he gives up -- perhaps an example of “trouble understanding another person’s point of view,” another trait common in those with autism.

So, what’s that all got to do with me? Well, simply put, I saw a lot of myself in Akatsuki. The difference between series I’m intensely interested in (special interest/hyperfixation?) and ones that I casually like are like day and night. For series that I’m truly into, my interest spans several years, and usually involves maintaining or aiding a wiki about it or otherwise having blogs devoted to analyzing it thoroughly. It ends up eating at my time and my attention to my own detriment, and as William later says in volume 7, I even think about it when I eat and when I shower. This line in particular hit home:

Akatsuki had been avoiding the things she really had to do. She’d worked desperately at only the things she liked doing, and had tried to convince herself that was effort.

Oftentimes, I know what I have to do. My homework, my job search, networking with people, building relationships. But if it doesn’t interest me, no matter how hard I push and pull at it, I end up going back to the things I like doing or thinking about. Sometimes, I don’t even like what I do, I just do it because it’s something I can do.

My lack of communication skills is also much like Akatsuki’s. It’s not a casual “lol what even is talking to people”; reading Akatsuki’s introspection and seeing things from her point-of-view felt like I was seeing things through my own perspective of the world.

I don’t know how to express myself and sometimes, I don’t even know if there’s something to express. I can be “my way or the highway” to the point where it’s driven people away. I can’t keep up a conversation and I’m perfectly content with not talking with others. I find small talk inane and people casually conversing with me (whether they’re strangers or friends) puts me on edge.

When Akatsuki struggles to express familiarity with the other girls, it takes Rayneshia declaring her a friend to give her the words to speak. Throughout high school, there were only a few people I can definitely say was a friend. Everyone else, I could never get a read on. Did they consider me a friend? Was I an annoyance, or was I just wallpaper in the backdrop of the school? I was rarely ever anyone’s “first pick” for anything and I usually stayed to myself as to not cause trouble for anyone; I learned in middle school not to stick myself into already-established friend groups.

In a lot of ways, Akatsuki probably felt the same about the Watermaple group. She was there on Shiroe’s orders, not because the other girls there liked her. So in her eyes, the greatest courtesy she can do is eliminate the threat on her own... which she fails to do.

What makes Akatsuki even more relatable is that she isn’t explicitly autistic; Mamare has never spoken about whether his characters are societal commentary (though personally, I think they are). The most he’s ever said about them is that he tries to make them like people he knows.

Maybe Mamare isn’t even (fully) aware that Akatsuki was written in this way. Perhaps he wrote her thinking “someone out there will relate to her.” And he’s right. In a way, not making her (possible) neurodivergence solidified canon is what makes her even more relatable to me.

As a result of my Chinese-American background, the sort of cultural perspective on neurodivergence I’ve been raised in is, to put it bluntly, “Well, tough.” If you don’t have a severe disability, that means you don’t have a disability, and you better damn well act like a normal person. (For some measure of “normal” that I have yet to figure out.)

Things like autism and developmental orders were treated as something for “others.” In fact, for most of my elementary through high school years (I lived in a predominantly white neighborhood), I genuinely thought autism and ADHD were a white people thing. To be fair, given some cursory research into the general view on autism in China and Japan, they probably think so too -- if they even know about such things at all.

A fair number of the general populace seem to be unaware of them; I’ve seen Japanese tweets spreading awareness about ADHD on twitter, and a JP twitter mutual had a mental breakdown as a result of their ADHD and anxiety making them unable to perform at work. It makes me wonder if Akatsuki exhibits autistic traits because Mamare knows people who act similarly (or perhaps, he can relate to them himself), but none of them actually know that there’s an actual underlying reason and it’s not a mere relatable personality quirk.

So in the end, I have absolutely no idea whether I’m normal or not. I can’t tell if I’m actually neurodivergent or if I’m faking it to make an excuse for myself. I’m Akatsuki as she watches Minori and Shiroe at the end of volume 5: feeling helpless, knowing that our juniors are “ahead” of us and “more successful.” We want to push our ineptitude on our inexperience and our sub-par equipment, but what we’re really lacking is interpersonal skills and, even though we know that’s what we’re missing, but we have no idea how to work on that.