#i basically never post personal shit but come on
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etoilesombre · 5 months ago
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Y'all need to meet my cat pumpkin
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rainingincale · 2 months ago
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sunderwight · 7 months ago
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Thinking about the absolute shitshow that is the Iron Throne and succession on this sunny ash-cloud filled morning.
So as I understand it, there are a lot of different potential inheritance structures for the Iron Throne to be passed down via, because the Targaryens can draw precedents from any of their subjects (Andal, First Men, Ironborn, etc) with varying degrees of viability, plus also Old Valyrian practices, and however they were actually conducting themselves on Dragonstone for the hundred or so years between the Doom and the Conquest. Right? But I think the relevant ones for HOTD are:
Primogeniture, Male Preference vs Absolute Male Preference vs Absolute Primogeniture, Heir Designation, Elective Succession, and Right of Conquest.
Primogeniture is the inheritance model where the eldest child inherits everything. Inheritance isn't divided between potential heirs upon the death of their parent, it's winner takes all. Or rather, eldest son does. This looks to be how most of Westeros operates by default, and how inheritance works according to Andal law. The eldest son (or daughter if there are no sons) gets the title and all the other properties held by his predecessor unless he's been disinherited, and then other successors are determined in a similar order along the family tree (i.e. your next eldest brother would be your heir if you didn't have any kids, then sisters, then first cousins, and so on). But this also applies to heirs themselves, meaning, if you are Jaehaerys I and your son Aemon is your heir, and Aemon's only child and daughter Rhaenys is his heir, then if Aemon dies, Rhaenys gets everything that belonged to Aemon, including Aemon's position as your heir. Which is why Rhaenys would have been the first ruling queen of Westeros, had Andal custom in fact been followed.
Then, male preference and absolute male preference are systems that determine how much sexism is in play when it comes to selecting viable heirs. Absolute male preference means that only men may inherit, and only through their male relatives. Male preference means that sons get preferential treatment, but in absence of them, daughters can inherit (and also that sons can inherit through their female relatives, if applicable). Most of Andal tradition falls under male preference, where an eldest daughter will not inherit before her younger brothers, but it's not absolute because a daughter with no brothers will inherit before her uncles or male cousins. Absolute primogeniture is, on the other hand, when the eldest child is heir regardless of gender. I think this is what Viserys was gunning for, since his negotiations with Corlys and Rhaenys for Laenor and Rhaenyra's children indicated that he expected Rhaenyra's eldest child to inherit the Iron Throne one day, with no stipulation on gender. This would also seem to be the system that Dorne uses.
Heir designation, on the other hand, is when the ruler has the right to personally select their heir from all viable candidates (typically, their children or perhaps grandchildren, or sometimes siblings or even more distant relations). Heir designation doesn't seem to be standard for Andal culture or even what we see of the First Men (hence things like Samwell Tarly being disinherited via the Wall rather than his father just naming his younger brother Dickon as heir over him), but could have been practiced by the Valyrians, and it is this possible precedent of Valyrian tradition which Jaehaerys uses (I think?) to declare his younger son Baelon (Viserys and Daemon's dad) as his heir over his granddaughter Rhaenys, before Baelon's death inspired Jaehaerys to call for the Council of 101 to decide the succession instead.
Which is where elective succession unexpectedly comes into things. I think the only Iron Throne vassal we see practicing such a thing are the Iron Islands, with their kingsmoot? But the Iron Islands are not generally popular or often emulated elsewhere in Westeros, of course, so in this case Old Jae's probably still taking his cues more from Essos or potentially also Old Valyria? The Council of 101 may or may not have been rigged, but at least by appearances, it allowed the lords of Westeros to elect their next leader from a limited pool of candidates (Rhaenys or Viserys).
The final succession structure relevant to HOTD, of course, is the Right of Conquest. Right of Conquest is when the realm will legally grant you the ownership of something if you have seized it via some kind of military might (usually with some stipulation that you have not only taken it, but held onto it for at least X length of time). In Westeros, the Right of Conquest was how Aegon I and his wives used their dragons to establish the Iron Throne, and as a rule it can pretty much overthrow all the other precedents (as it did for the conquerors). But I'm pretty sure this is also why the succession feud after Viserys' death is pretty much guaranteed to become a fight, and it's a major contributing factor to there being so many goddamn civil wars in Westeros. Can't beat your brother's claim? Well, try beating his ass instead!
So... basically, we have a giant, inconsistent mess that has been muddying the waters of the Iron Throne's succession pretty much from the beginning. The Iron Throne follows mostly Andal law and customs, except when the king doesn't want to, and then maybe it follows Valyrian customs or Essosi customs that might be Valyrian or some custom from some other group of subjects or the king just goes "I do what I want" and reminds everyone else (inadvertently, in the case of Viserys) that there is a legal Whoever Punches Hardest Wins clause baked into the system.
Which makes it nigh-on impossible to claim that such-and-such a candidate in HOTD (or even ASOIAF) is being robbed of their rightful inheritance, doesn't it? Whether it's Rhaenyra being the designated heir or Aegon being the eldest son, not just because it's all claptrap anyway, but because there is no stable precedent for who actually has the rightful inheritance even when you're trying to play ball with the existing systems. After Aegon I's death the throne passed to his eldest son, Aenys, but the throne then went to Aenys' brother Maegor instead of his kids. But ultimately Maegor was wildly unpopular and died childless, and so everyone decided that was an outlier and the throne reverted back to Aenys' line, and went to Aenys' son Jaehaerys. Which means there's no firm or stable ground to fall back on before Jaehaerys' own sexist farce of a succession, or the absolute hash Viserys subsequently made of the matter either. Andal law and custom would normally favor Aegon over Rhaenyra, that's true, but those same laws and customs would have also favored Rhaenys over Viserys, and the throne's predominantly Andal vassals voted against that. Which might seem to endorse heir designation, since that was how Jaehaerys selected Baelon and through Baelon, Viserys, as his own successors, but then again the Council was called on the premise that heir designation was insufficient, so perhaps an elective system should actually be in play? But Viserys doubled-down on heir designation and/or absolute primogeniture instead, without even really clarifying which he meant the throne to go by. If he actually filed paperwork beyond the sworn oaths (which he didn't even renew after Aegon's birth or in the decades after), it didn't survive to make into the historical record.
And of course, everything can be upended at any time by a sufficient show of force. Which is not only viable in terms of forcing the issue, but also legally valid, and thus less liable to prompt rebellions and strong rejections from the general populace.
Ultimately we know that the Iron Throne settles on absolute male preference and primogeniture, but all the characters trying to apply this standard to the Dance era are doing so in retroactive judgment.
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prismatiger · 6 months ago
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I keep thinking of how I want to taxonomize Siffrin and Loop bc it feels significant to me that Loop and Siffrin both have inherently diverged from the same Traveler Mold they came from. But because I am like a 7 year old I keep sagely nodding to myself going "ah yes... just like mega mewtwo"
#do u understand me. do u understand my vision#they're both siffrins they are just two pathways of how the same one guy develops through their experiences in timeloops#that are the same in basic structure but different in how they affected them#so like siffrin and loop are distinct people. but they're also just branches of preloops siffrin. much like mega mewtwo x and y are distinc#but they are also mewtwo#<-(said like this is somehow profound and not stupid)#liek do you guys get me... i think loop and siffrin are very much in sync#to the point where as seen in canon it's pretty easy for loop to divine what siffrin's thinking down to the phrasing#it's really striking how much loop talks and siffrin fullass does not reply but loop keeps on rollin just fine#but fundamentally they don't think the exact same way when it comes to bigger things#like how loop never fully accepts the idea of talking to the king as something reasonable to do#or how act 4 siffrin is in their own damn world while loop is left going. Stardust what the hell are you on (morose edition)#i think it's fun to find the gaps between them#i've always thought it would be fun. in a postcanon timeskip scenario#for loop to be. flatly worse at reading siffrin than they expect to be. because siffrin has been healing and trying to get better#while loop has been becoming steadily bitter as they tried and failed to cut the rope on their own attachments as some kind of last measure#of self defense against the pain of paving over their old relationship with the party with a new name new role new personality new stardust#to exist alongsides#likewise i think it's fun if siffrin overextends his new understanding of loop as being another self and the feeling of recognition for loo#is simultaneously comforting and Tremendously grating coming from Fucking Stardust#especially if siffrin just assumes shit wrong cuz for as much as hes the only guy who can relate 2 being trapped in a timeloop for months i#was not exactly the same now was it.#isat spoilers#Sorry this is a lot of thinking outloud on a post where i call loop and siffrin mega mewtwo x and y
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arolesbianism · 14 days ago
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Finally fixating on some nugget relationships that aren't horrible for everyone I love friendship <3
#rat rambles#I feel like Ive mentioned them before but Ive been rotaing them in my head so hard today#jacob dexter besties arc <3333 and also piper ig :/#they're all friends I just have favorite children (even tho Im pretty sure piper is the one whos been around the longest)#theres nothing super deep going on with them they're just bros who like to hang out drink and have game nights sometimes#but I likes them. they're silly :3#I need to dexter post more often yes they basically do nothing but be their friends supply guy but I love her sm#I used to be painfully neutral on him until I started lor at which point she grew on me hard and its only been getting worse#shes a mess who is squeamish and easily grossed out (rip bozo) and also an alcoholic (rip bozo) and also loves gambling (rip bozo)#hes surprisingly not doing as bad as youd think theyd be considering the everything tho#mostly because theyre good with tech and also are very good at breaking rules without getting too punished#but also because of their friends ig. eyeroll.#jacob also has a lot of bullshit going on as he is one of the poor souls who for a time caught yuri's attention but hes managing#and by managing I do mean on the verge of a breakdown at all times and holding on by a thread because he does not need to have juliet's#wrath added to his ever growing list of problems and traumatic events#again having positive relationships does also help but hes easily the least stable of the crew#to be clear theyre not like. super close? they hang out and play games and shit but they generally treat their hang outs as escapism so#they rarely talk much abt themselves on a personal level with eachother#which is fine they still value eachother a lot and genuinely enjoy eachothers company#although they are a bit recklessly fond of eachother considering their situation Id say. thankfully they dont get punished for it tho.#if one of them Had died and not instantly got brought back I do think the other two would fully lose it#the closest this ever got to happening in game was me not realizing dexter (level 5 employee btw) had gotten eaten by the wolf#and almost moving to the next day before realizing she had died#and do note this was like at the point in the game where I was just about done preparing to start the last 5 days this was Late late game#but autism be damned my boy can fuck up one of the easiest waws#(not a boy tbc)#honestly its kind of a miracle I never let piper die I Really didnt care abt him before the other two boosted him by proxy#well tbf he was for a good while one of like. two ppl I had in training. and they also are in little red gear. so they Did have value. ig.#piper comes from category of nugget I had in my early game that I liked to call bodyguards#basically I had one or two guys per department who actually did work and then another guy or two to be extra fire power
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wild-at-mind · 11 months ago
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Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.
#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me#i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu#to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately.#i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked#but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago#so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer#and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones'#who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get#she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is#that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist#i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)#and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because#i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'(#like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy#of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with#i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless#but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it
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snekdood · 3 months ago
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i mean i should probably stop saying shit just to be mean
#on the other hand....#the social environment cultivated on here almost demands it lest i let people walk all over me#definitely one of those skills i picked up in childhood to survive social situations back then#not a great skill. not even one i particularly like using. in fact i hate this part of me that feels the need to be judgemental#the logical part of me- the more ~~evolved~~ part of my spirit you could say knows its stupid and has hated doing it since forever#i completely stopped for a while. and then my abusive ex did all the shit they did so i felt like i had to dig that judgemental asshole sid#back up to defend myself bc ik thats the level they operate on. but it also started being the level a lot of ppl on here operated on soon#after (and im not entirely unconvinced they weren't an influence as to why people became more of an asshole on here)#(them or twitter. probably a mix of both but mostly twitter users coming here lol. also had to be an ass on twitter to survive)#so now i feel like i have to cling on to this side of myself i was more than happy to let rot in the dirt bc if i dont then people are gonn#use my vulnerability and niceness and lack of desire to use ad hom n shit against me so they can bully and abuse me and say whatever#and i have to keep this image up of being unphased and happy all the time and then i snap and then its a whole problem to people#so basically be nothing ever bc ppl on here will think thats you forever moral of story i guess im not sure.#best advice i can give: dont exist online publicly in any significant way. if you wanna be a pfpless. bioless account that is your god give#fuckin right okay. never are you obligated to be part of this shit and im personally telling you its hell and if i knew then what i knew#now i would have never started coming on to tumblr in the first place. its cool i learned about all this queer stuff or whatever but it#sucks otherwise#tumblr. twitter. insta. any social media where the point is to make posts and write posts more than anything else#dont bother. so much is lost in text-style communication. bridging gaps is nearly impossible. you will always be misunderstood#i think thats the case for most vocal communication but ESPECIALLY digitally
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watery-melon-baller · 5 months ago
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average adobe experience
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faradaykay · 2 years ago
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being aroace is crazy bc sometimes it's like. whoo yay i have such a wider perception of relationships that's so cool yay!!! and sometimes it's like. i hate this it sucks
#squishy talks too much#i love my identity as aroace. but like#i am tired of being misunderstood#i wish i didn't have to go on social media and see people saying aroace identities and relationships aren't real#i wish i didn't have to go on aroace posts and see allo people say shit that is just straight up insensitive in the comments lol#i wish i didn't have to simplify my identity when people i don't know well enough ask bc they're not gonna understand if i tell them i'm#aro and a lesbian. sometimes people don't even understand asexual and lesbian#some people don't even know aro and ace are both separate things. some people don't know there is aroace at all#and like i don't mind when they're nice and they're respectful upon me explaining but it's like. can we please acknowledge aroace people#just as a whole. to the point where i don't have to consistently explain even the *very basic basics* to people both queer and not queer#and i wish i never personally had to argue with people about whether my aroaceness is valid or not#like. people have told me my identity and other aroace identities are fake DIRECTLY and DEBATED me on my OWN FEELINGS#like it's fuckin high school english or sum. it's insane#and i wish i could look at the list of Options when it comes to relationships and like#not want to choose 'none of the above but also not nothing in general'#and. i'm just tired#WAIT I FORGOT ONE MORE#i wish people would have aroace hcs for characters that aren't just#The Token Obvious Character To Call Aroace#i wish allo people would see us as more than a few repetitive and tired stereotypes#and i wish close relationships in fiction would be seen in aroace contexts#okay that's seriously it sorry for hater-ing on main
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deep-peach · 2 years ago
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has anyone else been a fairly heavy smoker and then stopped and then after about 3-4 days without smoking start coughing up some gross shit or.. just me 🌚 it happens every time and I’m assuming it’s just normal and my lungs cleaning themselves out finally but it’s weird and gross and so consistent lol. always after like 3-4 days and then it lasts a few days or a week.
in other news I finally decided to stop smoking at home 👍 sick of paying for it, sick of coughing and all the gross stuff that goes along w it, gonna be in grad dorms and don’t want to disrupt w that loud loud and/or ruin my opportunities bc I got in trouble for it or smth. Saving tons of money already it’s wild. I just want to go back to smoking socially and not in my house constantly 😞👍
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lecliss · 3 days ago
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I just started playing Monark cuz I remembered I bought it last month and in just under an hour of playing I think it has a very good chance of giving The Caligula Effect a run for its money. It's got very similar vibes but I feel like Monark is already setting itself up to pop off harder than TCE, not counting the musicians' ending of course.
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gremlinhourz · 5 months ago
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genuinely expecting to fail my first class in college!! and its like as much as i can get upset at myself for continuing the cycle of procrastination that ive been trying to break free from for years, i also feel like the reason im primarily upset is because i feel like im disappointing others and/or giving them a bad impression of me. like im not upset because i think i could have done more, im upset because i think other people will think i could have done more. when like honestly with school ive just developed an "it is what it is" attitude, like all i can do is try and try again, and if that means taking eng111, crashing and burning, but most importantly learning, then taking eng111 again, so fucking be it
#hey its much easier to edit than to start writing so why dont you just get those thought down#on the page and then you can come back and edit them tomorrow#i was going to schedule a meeting with my academic advisor to ask about the logistics of retaking the course this semester#but of course the school is switching the platform contacting advisors is through this week so i cant really do shit#i also need to look into getting accommodation :sob: i just havent yet...#but i was actually looking at the forum for it today and one of the questions was like “what common difficulties do you have with school”#and one of the choices was “writing/expressing my thoughts”#and it just made me start to tear up seeing that acknowledged as a difficulty#because to be honest i feel like im always over-exaggerating/making up struggling in that area and it never feels like something that i can#get help in#like it feels like it is my own problem my own fault there is no way for someone to help me because the problem is just with me and it is#only if i try that it will actually be solved#but idk#looking at it man#i do try#like i do think there is some truth to improvement only happening if that person is willing to improve#like basically i have observed that like someone trying to change my behavior with punishment and stuff is never effective#and like its not until i take initiative to make changes for myself that change will actually happen#but like now seeing trouble expressing thought being recognized on an accommodations forum#it makes me consider that maybe this isnt something i can only overcome on my own#i feel like its like “oh i have trouble expressing my thoughts/writing” but then its like “then what the fuck is this post”#and like again i also question if i over-exaggerate/fake my struggles#but its also like ive been writing this post for almost an hour now#i consistently struggle with writing assignments because it is so hard to make sense of where i want to go#my thoughts feel like tangled ball of yarn that i cannot get down on the page because i dont even know what theyre trying to say#i would talk more but#i should just work shouldnt i :sob:#((but is also like i always tell myself#but. i never do that. because its like i know that there is something i could say and something im trying to express but i dont know what i#is
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hangryyeena · 9 months ago
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:)
#// vent#// personal#i always believe that my life just progressively gets worse with each passing birthday and i'm right every time#well it wasn't always like this#it was the reverse but after a long time of the opposite happening i just got so fucking tired#me saying anything in this post is fucking useless but i'm saying it anyways#but..... i'm tired of placing myself around people that make me feel like shit and i'm putting my foot down#and don't mean in a 'they go out of their way to treat me like crap' kind of way#i mean i feel like i don't matter around them or i feel like others are worth more than me to them#i feel like those corny posts where someone is standing alone while they watch other people be happy without any concern for you#and i feel like people only come to me when they want something from me like content or some other self-fulfilling thing#i am like..... really tired of begging people to treat me as an equal (especially as an artist) or at least be sympathetic to my problems#and i know all of this can be used against me but i don't care at this point#i'm tired of seeing red every time someone gets all of things i have to beg for-#-like basic respect or just someone saying something nice to me or my art#it hurts and i don't like having to throw any my kindness or generosity because i know i will never be treated the same way#like why do i have to beg for art reblogs or compliments when everyone else can get them without looking like a pathetic attention seeker#i don't understand what is inherently wrong with me that makes people go 'ew i don't like her or her art'#i've came up with all sorts of reasonings and i can't even decisively say what it is#i'm so tired#even after this nothing will change and u can guarantee this post will make it get worse#but this is just how i feel and i believe i have the right to vent without it being weaponized against me#i fear retaliation from people for venting and i shouldn't have to#long post#extremely long post#feel free to mute the '// vent' tag if you really don't want to hear my yapping
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haveihitanerve · 8 months ago
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Gotham fucking loves Brucie Wayne
Some nice Brucie Wayne headcanons for you all
Hes an idiot and a dork but he makes social events interesting because who else would fall into the chocolate fountain?
At any social event where kids are invited as well he can most definitely be found with the kids, talking to them like they are adults
He never treats anyone as inferior unless they're dicks
He once punched riddler in the face because he interrupted a girls birthday party
He has an entire fashion line that is dedicated to giving people actually comfortable practical clothes
Hes an absolute unit in bed. For both men and women. (either top or bottom)
He once held a man upside down by his ankles and shook him until everything had fallen out of his pockets because he had used to be a bully and was now a dick
Can and will walk teenagers home if its late at night. 
Always tips very generously
He was once in line at a batburger and there was a karen yelling at the poor 16 year old cashier and he walked to the front and just started sticking 100 dollar bills into the tip jar with the nastiest smile aimed at the karen. ‘The more you yell the more i tip.’ (the cashier was, coincidently stephanie brown, and she high fived him)
He has a social media but never uses it unless its to draw awareness to a certain cause or to show off his children. 
He also posts beautiful pictures of gotham, or of mundane everyday things, showcasing the beauty in life
(Is canonically a feminist)
Will protect waiters/servers/janitors from creeps or gotham elite who think theyre better than them
He stopped adopting kids but still pays for as many college tuitions as he can
Funded a city wide disability infrastructure plan so people with wheelchairs could go places too
He once rocked three guys with guns’s shit because they were attempting to molest these little boys
Punched a teacher in the face for making a student cry
Will at any time drop everything the second one of his kids asks him to
There is an entire instagram account dedicated to pictures of him helping old people cross the street
Once a month he visits inmates at the prison and offers them jobs
Genuinely cares for his workers and buys them houses and cars if they need it
Literally created gothams public transportation system and made sure it was free
Teamed up with poison ivy to make public gardens for everyone to enjoy
Funds clean energy research
Any celebrity fan mail he receives he answers personally
One time a little girl asked him to come to her birthday party and he did and brought presents
Taught an entire school basic self defense
Brucie Wayne may be an idiotic little shit but he is the Prince of Gotham and Gothamites would lay down their lives for him more willingly than they would for Batman.
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arolesbianism · 1 year ago
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I need agent 4 to appear in side order soooo badly I do not care in what context I just need to put Jim and Mark in the same room please please I'm desperate
#rat rambles#oc posting#splat posting#an agent 4 boss fight could be fun but tbh idrc if theyre a major part of anything I just want them to appear somewhere there#as far as my orbo blorbos tho a boss fight could be soooo juicy#mark and jim only met after their seperate rock bottoms and during their recovery arcs#so the idea of seeing them be put into a low neither of them have faced in years delights me#either way I will be having big boy thoughts abt then once side order comes out#since even if 4 doesnt appear in side order Im forcing jim in there one way or another lol#their t4t cringe is real <3#bro mark is going to be so pissed off abt being in a damn building again until dedfish shows up then hes going to be all for this adventure#just him staring with big wet eyes as they say some basic tutorial shit like they just said the most earthshattering thing ever#hes also glad to have pearl with him even if the two bitch at eachother a lot#hes also low key glad marina isn't there but like guiltily so#if jim is anywhere in there shes having a panic attack over not being able to contact marie#jim would ofc be freaking out over mark too but marie is like The most important person to them#thats their sister and best friend and also the person who saved their life both figuratively and literally#they would almost certainly not be alive if they never met marie and if they were theyd be in a horrible place on every level#marie was also the first person jim ever grew to truly trust so basically yeah she means the world to them#mark is super important to her too of course but she doesnt rely on him in the same way as she does on marie#mark I assume will have no reason to assume jim is there too but theres no way to know for sure so Ill not dwell on that too much#but mark is generally less prone to panic than jim mostly due to their childhood environments and stuff#so while he'll definitely worry abt jim itd be more him missing her and hoping shes not freaking out too hard than panic#in a way itd almost be exciting to him to maybe get a chance to do actual agent work with jim#like I said they only met post their seperate shitstorms so they didn't even know they were both agents until jim introduced mark to marie#well more like introduced mark to marie as a way to say this one is good be nicies to him#well more so this one is mine Im the only one allowed to bully him but you can pick on him too once he likes you enough#mark is just sitting there like holy shit what the fuck why is she here what do you fucking mean shes that sister you always talk abt#not a day goes by where hes not forced to confront one of his ex crushes fkfndkdb#poor little straight boy all his ex crushes and his current girlfriend keep making him do fortinte dances
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nope-body · 1 year ago
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#on the gender/sexuality(?) crisis that I have not brought up here#I want to be able to be butch. but my brain says no. someone else has to validate it and it can’t just be a you asking it has to happen#naturally which is frustrating because like. what am I supposed to do??#but also butchness- queer masculinity- is so often tied to physical ability#which I do not have a ton of and am also sorta progressively losing?#which is it’s own scary thing. like last night my knee actually fully buckled under my weight when I tried to stand up#and that’s scary! that’s never happened to me before!!#but back to the whole gender crisis- I want to be butch. I want to be able to be butch#and my friend has been wonderful and sent me a ton of things from disabled butches on Twitter and also zines on butchness and shit#but everything that talks about disabled butches talks about how the larger lesbian/butch&femme/queer community doesn’t recognize that as#valid butchness for lack of better terms? like there’s just a ton of ableism and disabled butches face an uphill battle to just be#recognized as butch. especially when it comes to the roles that butches are assumed to take on#both in a relationship but also just within the queer community#like you’ve seen the ‘no cops at pride just butches’ posts and things of that nature that circulate#butches are supposed to be strong. they’re supposed to fill the role of protector. of supporter. of fixer. of giver of help.#above all butches are supposed to give of themselves unto others#as a disabled person I cannot do that. disabled butches cannot do that.#(and this is not me saying that this mindset is good or this is the way it should be- just the way it is in the larger community)#I have the know-how to fix things. I have the skill. but extremely often I do not have the ability#and not just that- I often don’t have the ability to do basic daily tasks either. I have to ask for help#and how am I supposed to think of myself as butch when I’m constantly told it’s the butches who you ask for help from?#there’s also the added complexity of I’m Jewish. my version of queer masculinity is not just a subversion of western masculinity#but also jewish masculinity- which is often very different from western masculinity and is why so many jewish men get called effeminate!#like I’m going to end up subverting/queering a mix of both. but that’s also not going to really be recognized as butchness because of the#incredibly prevalent antisemitism in queer spaces! or if it is recognized as a subversion of masculinity it’ll only be western. not both#and I understand that I define my identity. no one else gets to. but I’m already fighting to be able to define it#without throwing butchness into the mix. and I don’t know if I have the energy to constantly fight back against all of it#I should really just read stone butch blues. I keep meaning to. it’s written by a disabled jewish butch#but I’m so tired so often and it’s just. hard to have the energy#I want to be butch. I want to be recognized as butch. but will anyone see my cane and still think butch?
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