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irasamu · 10 months

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. . . (🍷) ֶָ֢ 𔓘 PLEASE STRIP ME! ; a fyodor dostoyevsky fic. ❞

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍷 ꒱ . . . till date this fic remains one of my favs. fyodor is so hot ugh.

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍷 ꒱ . . . tw ; sugar daddy!fyodor, sugar baby!reader, fem!reader nsfw, angst in the beginning, confessions, hurt to comfort ig, riding, nipple pinching and sucking, fyodor refers to himself as "daddy", uses of term "dumb doll", fyodor is hot, and that's all ig.

the twilight sky outside analyzed the situation and told the stars about it who twinkled in amusement, all of them finding pleasure in your misery, like the man you gave your heart to.

you glance at the clock on the wall and then huff, turning away from its direction as if the clock was the one behind your emotional state, as if it were the clock who played with your heartstrings as if your heart was an instrument.

it's nearly one in the night and you are still sitting on the luxurious bed with your back against the headboard, reminiscing about the first time you sat on this very bed and felt the same feeling of being an outcast, as if you are a foreign to this luxury -- which you are.

your hands gripped your silk night gown which reached till your midthighs, a very revealing and loose one at that. you bit your lip to produce pain which had the ability to divert your attention away from the aching in your heart.

alas, it worked but in ways you didn't expect. for the physical pain of harshly biting down on your bottom lip was the cheery on top needed by your brain to stimulate a signal which made the dams in your eyes open up, moistoning your eyes and blurring your vision.

at the same moment, the man behind this reaction tried to slowly open the door without making any noise but once he saw the lamp lights on beside the nightstand near the bed, he raised his eyebrows.

fyodor didn't expect you to be awake at this hour and he made sure you knew about this by the way he continued to look at you even while closing the door and walking towards you.

a heart heavier then your brain which is littered with opposing thoughts, you sit straight and look at fyodor, taking a deep breath for the oxygen will be knocked out of you very soon by your own heart.

"what is wrong? can't sleep? is the dress not to your liking?" voiced the man whose cold voice could put even snowy lands to shame, a man who held too much interest in his eyes but too little in his tone for fyodor dostoyevsky is an enigma. even to you who had been with him for more than a year now.

you do not answer, no, you can not. your eyes frantically scan over his features, those soft lips which you can kiss only in your dreams, that pale skin which makes you wonder just how good would it look with love bites, the sharp jaw you want to cup and kiss and lastly, those damned eyes.

the rich dark purple which shines brightly despite those tired looking eyes can captivate you, play you like a doll and you won't even realise for the one who admires the castle won't see the blood, sweat and tears of those who made it.

you gulp, your heart beat being the only sound you heard for a minute or two before you shook your head. ". . .i wanted . . . to talk to you."

why is your voice such a contrast to his? his confident voice puts your quiet and nervous one to shame.

fyodor hums, stepping towards his side of the bed as he lays down with a sigh and after mentally pushing yourself with the reminder that it's either now or never ; you swiftly move to be on top of fyodor, your knees planted on the soft mattress on either sides of his waist as you look down at him with sorrowful eyes.

"aren't i attractive to you? or am i not your type?" murmuring the harsh words which have been piercing your mind ever since you realised you fell for the very man who never kissed you, who made it clear that your presence was something he could buy and he did.

"generally having a sugar daddy and sugar baby relationship means a mutual benefit. sex or sexual favors in exchange of money. of course it varies with different people but . . . paying me only to have my company . . . don't you ever wish to have some more?" your voice -- is it doing justice to convey all your pent up emotions and feelings? you wonder.

now, fyodor is a man of rationality and cold logic but even he is a human.

how can you not see the way he is gulping thickly, able to outline and picture your cunt as the flimsy lingere nightgown is doing its purpose of letting his imagination run loose. the way you are leaning down to be closer to him caused one of the thin straps of the nightgown to fall off your shoulders and near your elbow, allowing fyodor a glimpse of just a small portion of your cleavage.

how can fyodor focus on your words when your lips look so pouty and eyes so moistened? lord, oh lord, you answered his prayers, didn't you?

oh dear lord, is this angel on top of him his to corrupt?

"tell me, why won't you touch me? let me fulfill my duty as a sugarbaby. let me satisfy you sometimes fyodor." you softly let out, staring at him and fyodor, oh fyodor, what are you doing?

why are you pulling on the angel's other strap and letting it fall down her elbow? do you not know your patience and self control is running thin?

you can't do it. you aren't fyodor to conceal your emotions and feelings deep within the chambers of your mind.

so you allow a sob to travel through your throat, allowing it the freedom to be freed and let fyodor hear it, you let him hear your misery.

"you always do this. these actions of yours make me feel as if you desire me too . . . only for you to shut me out by acting cold and distant again." your voice is strained, cracking even as your vocal chord is being choked by the nimble hands of sadness.

"am i some kind of a doll to you? who you can play with as much as you want?" your words don't seem to have any effect on the russian below you whose expressions haven't changed a bit.

it's always this cold and calm look of his which you hate but oh, how you love it too.

and fyodor noticed it. he always does. the way the corner of your eyes soften as your eyes go all doe like whenever you admire his features but he doesn't like how that softness is always shielded by a sheet of longing and sadness.

"if you were to tell me to dance on fire for you, i would gladly become one with the fire for its not the fire which burns me but your coldness, fyodor." you confess, biting your bottom lip in a fragile attempt to stop or hide their quivering but this action of your's, the furrowed eyebrows and the slightly red eyes of your's makes you look all the more appealing to fyodor.

"have i done something to make you feel like so? don't cry. didn't i tell you? your presence brings me joy, your opinions and perspectives are intresting enough for me to spend enough to have you by my side. why? are you not satisfied? do you want more? tell me what you want and it's your's, you know there is no limit to what i've to offer to you." the cold and calm tone accompanied with the russain accent is a voice you hear daily yet still can't get enough of.

you shake your head. no, he can't offer you what you desire.

"i don't want your wealth anymore. i want your love and that's the only thing you can't offer." you weakly mutter and close your eyes, waterfalls of heartbreak wetting your cheeks for even you know that your desire is a painful lie you live in and hope to achieve.

fyodor feels the tightening of his pants and the slight hardening of his cock at your soft sniffles, god, how vile is he to get turned on by your sniffles of sorrow?

"sweet doll, do you think my affection for you is fake? . . . is that what you think? are you getting bored of me? do you want to leave?" fyodor asks, his voice a bit sad, looking at you whose eyes are still closed and hearing his words make you cry even more as you now don't feel shy or hide your sobs, letting them out in the open for fyodor to hear for maybe then, he could understand your feelings.

these simple words are not your breaking point. the sadness lingering in his tone is. the subtle frown which you are sure is adorning his mouth is. those affectionate touches and him being more touchy with you since the past two months only to distance himself from you before things could escalate further is.

the way his hands immediately cling onto your hips as they squeeze your hips tightly but in a comforting manner is.

"i love you! i love you! why are you so smart yet stupid to realise this!? i don't want to be a dumb sugar baby who is happy with a little bit of attention! that won't work for me! i need all of your attention, all of you! fyodor i need you! i need your love, i want your love!" you sob loudly and oh, oh.

not only did you reach your breaking point tonight, fyodor did too.

his grip on your hips tightened and his eyes went a bit dark, more sharper.

"stop testing my patience dumb doll." was a sentence which was enough to make you straighten up and behave yourself, but not tonight. oh definitely not tonight.

tonight you will pour your heart out to him and wait for his judgment.

"i try so hard to make you notice me, to seduce you yet none of them work . . . am I that unattractive? or are you in love with someone else? are you even capable of loving fyodor? capable of loving me?" you stare down at him, eyes sad and lips parted to let quick and short breaths escape along with occasional sobs.

the tears stopped coming long ago as the anguish converted into a cold calmness of sadness and the ones which flowed down your cheek began to dry up but left their trail there for fyodor to see.

this was it. the final push fyodor needed for him to pour out his feelings, his emotions and his pent up desires.

fyodor scoffs in amusement and only tightens his grip on your hips more, enough to leave a bruise and tight enough to immobilize you.

"dumb doll, how can you say all that when you don't even know the thoughts in my head everytime i see you? do you know what i think everytime i make you wear these sexy nightgowns?" fyodor's voice is low and seductive yet it has that soft edge to it and you purse your lips in embarrassment as you feel the wet pool in your core and you know fyodor felt it too or he wouldn't have smirked the way he did, so arrogantly yet arrogance looks good on him, sexy if you may add.

hands of temptation belongs to fyodor as he lets his hands run up and down your curves.

"not treat you like a doll? nonsense. you are my doll, how can i not treat you like one? so fragile and magnificent, all for me." the last part wasn't a hope or wish but a statement. fyodor wasn't asking you to be his, he already made you his when he first paid you for spending time with him.

"do you even know what i think every time i look at you, especially when you look so preety when you are sad?" the smooth voice holding onto the calm and collected tone which made it clear to the receiver that fyodor isn't just any human but a part of the rare percentage who are unbelievably majestic, lured you in, you wondered often if he is a siren.

you shook your head as a no, sniffling occasionally as fyodor's hand went lower towards the hem of your nightgown, he played with it as he said,

"i wish," he muttered, looking at your lips before he looked up at your eyes again, lifting the hem of your nightgown.

"to strip you of your clothes and feel your body . . . with your soft, smooth skin . . ."

you part your lips as you let out a soft gasp, feeling fyodor's cold fingers trail the flesh of your ass before he gripped one of your buttocks and he squeezed it roughtly between his cold fingers as if to show you how your last claim of heartbreak angered him.

hearing your gasp, fyodor smiles seductively, and eyes you, admiring the cut of the dress which was loose enough to give him a glimpse of your cleavage, the way your hair fell all over your face and the way you were basically straddling him which resulted in your nightgown to ride up.

"you say all this but your actions proved otherwise" you furrow your eyebrows as you mutter and the man beneath you just continues to eye you in a more intense, vulgar way.

“to touch you . . . in the most intimate places, but how can i? you know i am a man whose morals and beliefs shape him. so how can i think about you in such a way which contrasts my beliefs?” did he ask you? you weren't sure, your focus was on his hand which went towards your hip and grabbed it.

you part your lips, letting out a shaky breath as fyodor's fingers dig into your skin to grip it while his thumb applies slight pleasure to your hip, it feels as if he is trying to memorize the way your skin feels against him.

“how can i ignore my desires any longer? my desires to kiss you . . .” fyodor's eyes move up and down your body in a perfect coordination with his hands which grab your shoulders, kneading onto them as he then trails his hands down your arms and towards your wrists.

not only is your breath a bit frantic but so is his.

angel, oh angel, is this not enough for you to open your eyes and let go of that foreskaen purity?

oh let the drug who is injected into your veins, begin it works.

you took the drug yourself. the drug named fyodor dostoyevsky.

“and to taste your sweetness.” fyodor tugs on your wrist making you lean near him more.

"my beliefs and morals are what shaped me but you are what makes me feel human. my desires towards you knows no limit so don't ever try to question my emotions and feelings towards you. or i'll make another use of that preety mouth of your's." he whispers that last sentence.

broken. the thread of fyodor's self resistance and control broke.

fyodor pushes your head towards him, pressing his lips against your's as he begins to kiss you, he had always known his feelings would be reciprocated but it sure did feel good to have your lips move against his.

dancing in sin, the music is provided by the short and hot breaths you two share, you could feel your core throb as you placed one of your hands on the bed to stabilize yourself and the other on fyodor's cheek, caressing the skin you dreamt of littering in your marks and kisses.

like a snake, fyodor's hands slithered towards your back to push it to have you more closer towards him.

after a long while, you pull back to catch your breath, looking at fyodor as you parted your lips to speak but how can he just hear words leaving those wet and slightly swollen lips?

oh no. absolutely not.

fyodor pushed himself up slightly to capture your lips in a heated kiss again, elbow propped against the bed while with the other hand, he brushed your hair to the side.

you closed your eyes just like the russain beneath you, trying to appreciate every single movement made by his lips, his tongue swiping against your bottom lip before it entered your mouth and his occasional biting down on your bottom lip.

when he pulls back again to let both of you recover from the lack of oxygen, fyodor chuckles breathlessly.

"fuck it." he mutters a curse before changing your positions, making you lay on your back as his lips cling onto your's yours in a desperate manner, clinging onto you like how a water droplet clings onto the edge of a leaf, wet sounds produced due to the kisses shared between you two were the epitome of just how sinful the night will get from here on.

fyodor is desperate.

more.

more and more.

oh lord, he knew once he started, he won't be able to stop and look, now he is tainting this angel of your's.

what will you do now when he is not letting the angel breath, continuously kissing her, one after the another -- you will do nothing, whatever needs to be done will be decided by the god under whose mercy the angel's heart is.

your heart beating is frantic but not more then the arousal which is aggressively coursing through your veins, you try to clench your legs to stop the slick from dripping on your panties but fyodor's hand on your inner thigh had forced you to keep your leg open.

fyodor leaned down to plant soft kisses on your lips, chin and jaw, trailing the wet kisses as to crave a path of his love.

"i will only ask once for my patience is thin right now, so tell me, sweet doll, tell me if you want this," fyodor leans up to capture your lips in a quick kiss again, "because once i have my way, i'll never let you leave me." he whispers, eyes trailing up to stare at your face and can you really say no to those purple eyes which were hypnotic enough to make your breathing stop midway.

"you are sounding like a big talker right now--" your words were cut short by the gasp which left your lips when fyodor's hand which was on your inner thigh had trailed up to press his thumb against your wet core.

"big talker? i'll show you that i don't speak empty words, dumb doll." fyodor smirks, the silence of the night didn't find it offending how his voice cut through the calm and hot atmosphere and rather they found it just as soothing as you, the russian could almost be passed as a god with the way the moonlight falling from the opened windows reflected his pale skin and dark irises, and oh, you closed your eyes as you exhaled shakily.

"please . . . please strip me. fuck me. i made myself clear too, no? i want you, your touch, your lips all over me. hah . . . you are no saint, you are the devil. stop fucking with these morals and just fuck me fyodor!" you beg, voice proving your desperation and neediness to have the russian all over you, to make your dreams which you hide in the darkest depths of your heart a reality.

fyodor began to rub his thumb over your wet core, rubbing against the sensitive bud with nothing but your panties to restrict the pleasure he created.

and is he really the god of your heart if he doesn't listen to your prayers?

"then let me show you just how much i desire you and once i am done, you'll be chanting my name like a prayer and when i repeat this all tomorrow? oh doll," fyodor coos the last part, biting his lip as he chuckled, "my dolly, my sweet sweet dolly, you won't even know if you are on earth or in heaven."

fyodor didn't hear your reply, immediately moving down to bite on your collarbone which he was only ever able to brush his fingers against for the past few months when he realised that maybe he wants to keep you by his side for as long as he can and could for fyodor doesn't think he has feelings for you as strong as to call them love.

fyodor sucked on your collarbone, licking it after before he looked up at you again, overcoming by the sudden urge to look at your face and the sight of your parted lips and barely opened eyes upon receiving such a small portion of pleasure made you look pure in fyodor's eyes, not to mention the moonlight falling on half of your body had only made you look more ethereal.

the nightgown straps barely on your elbows anymore as they revealed the upper portion of your cleavage and fyodor immediately knew that he had to free you from the fabric which is an obstacle for his hands from exploring your curves and body.

fyodor leans up on his arm, using the other to hook his index finger on your strap, pulling it down your arm, you raised your arm to help him slip the strap out with ease and once fyodor slipped both the straps off, he ripped the nightgown apart with his hand, immediately clinging his lips onto your naked breasts.

it started off as a single lick against your nipple before he went back to swirl his tongue against it, flickering it with his tongue.

then the sensation increased as his fingers trailed up your thighs and slipped into the nightgown, continuing their path up your other breast as he grazed the nipple with his nail before flickering it with his finger.

soon his index and middle finger squeezed the nipple between them, pulling on it as it made you hiss and fyodor smirked against your breast.

fyodor found pleasure in hearing your short breaths and gasps of pleasure and he would've loved to go and tease you for hours, manipulating you into thinking he is finally giving in to touch you, only for him to prove you wrong . . . only if it weren't for his painfully hard boner.

fyodor clicked his tongue before he grabbed your hips with both of his hands and rolled over with you on top of him once again as he looked up at you with that devilish smirk on his face, minute sweatbeads were beginning to form on his forehead and if you squint enough, you could see him gulping.

"be my good doll and ride me and tell me all your complaints. sweet doll, i will listen to every complain of your's today" fyodor tells you, hands slowly removing your panties as you lift yourself up to help him, he throws it away, not bothering to remove his sweatpants or anything as he immediately guides you to sit on his crotch, moving your hips to create some friction to ease his painfully hard erection, silently gasping as you slick wets his fabric.

fyodor smirks as his eyes remain closed, teasing you, "go on sweet doll, begin complaining to your daddy."

and when you nod, your head tilted back as you close your eyes and begin to move back and forth on his clothed boner, fyodor's eyes couldn't tear away from you ; your nightgown which was now rolled down and ripped to reveal your clevage, the slight pink mark appearing on your collar bone and your hair which fell infront of your face -- fyodor sucked in a breath.

his cold hands came to restrict your hips as he tapped once, you got the signal and you lifted yourself up slightly and watch fyodor skillfully remove his sweatpants and briefs with one hand, stroking his hardened and aggressive cock a few times before he rubbed the tip against your folds to get your slick on the tip, rubbing the length against your inner thighs which had slick dripping down.

"sit." he commanded a bit too softly to match the fire of lust blazing in his purple irises and if you paid enough attention to look past the pleasure and pain of sinking down on his cock, you could've seen the way his irises were dilated and reflected your image in them then you could've understood how deeply and intensely fyodor always stares at you.

a pained whimper left your lips as you settle down on his cock, feeling it strech your walls for the very first time. your fingers can't even fathom the sensation of his cock and now that you finally have it inside you, you know no one else, not even your own fingers or the finest toys out there, could satisfy you the way he is going to for the reason is simple, the same way the heart has no use if there is no blood left for it to pump, there is no libido in you if there is no fyodor.

for the sight of the man makes your brain fall into the lap of arousal and submit yourself to it, to fyodor.

"i am your doll? then why don't you cherish me and love me? why do you act as if we are just two partners in a deal? i am not one of your business partners, don't treat me professionally like you treat them" you grit your teeth, trying to get used to the pain.

you move up when you feel the pain become a bit bearable, going down on his cock as a choked breath leaves you and fyodor's eyes widen ; you move up and down his cock again, biting your lip in pain but the face you make as you are in pain yet try to give pleasure to him -- oh what a sight.

"you claim to love me? dumb man --" you let out a gasp, feeling your pussy clench around his cock as he sucked in a breath, "you are so smart yet how can you be so oblivious that your coldness makes me think you don't even like me?"

and suddenly, fyodor is hyper aware of his surroundings of how the bedsheet moves with your movements, the wet squelch as his cock enters and leaves your hole and your and his grunts and pants filling the entire room.

the hair falling on your face sticked to your forehead as you begin to move more on his cock.

fyodor parts his lips, your furrowed eyebrows relaxes as you let out a breath of relief, feeling the pain slowly turning into pleasure and fyodor did not stop himself or try to fool himself into believing he is superior when he leaned forwards, elbow propping against the bed as he brought his other hand towards your face and gently tucked the hair strands sticking to your forehead away, staring at you with a fond smile and suddenly everything makes sense, the sudden urge to touch you since the past few months, to whisper into your ears and watch you get shy and to give you whatever you desire, it all makes sense to him now for no one understood human emotions better then fyodor but to feel them, that's a different thing and he finally did.

"touch me, kiss me, caress me and let me do the same to you, you don't know, no one else can compare to you, you've me wrapped around your preety fingers. and it angers me to think someone else will claim you as her's one day. it isn't fair! you are mine, you should be mine, i don't want anyone else to have you except me. you are the type i want to marr--"

"i love you, my dumb doll." fyodor intrupted you as he breaths out, hand coming down to gently squeeze your nape, the sudden desire he felt is something he won't deny anymore as he pushes your nape forwards to once again have your lips against his.

your eyes widened, you've known fyodor enough to know words of affections are foreign to him so to hear him speak the purest words of intimation?

oh how your heart surrendered to him once more, how it bowed to him and was ready to bend to his will.

"i. love. you." with each word he spoke against your lips, he thrusted his hips upwards and relished as you moaned.

"i. love. you." he once again emphasized to let you hear him loud and clear, sucking on your bottom lip before pulling back and grabbing your chin with his index finger and thumb.

"you hear me? are my words reaching your ears, my doll? i love you." fyodor gritted his teeth, looking at your widened eyes and parted lips and how he resisted the urge to utterly ruin you and have you cry out his name as he saw how tears glistened and flowed down your cheeks.

"go on, confess the feelings you've always bottled up, my baby doll. and don't you dare stop no matter what, speak. tell your daddy how much you love him." fyodor commands, pinching your chin as he smiled seductively, pulling your chin closer to plant a small kiss on the corner of your lips, before he moved towards your lips to nibble on your upper lip.

fyodor pulled back and his purple eyes shined devilishly as he pulled on your nipple. "move your body and your lips, my doll. daddy is all your's. wanna wife you before the sun rises tomorrow yet i can't do that without knowing if you feel the same, can i? open that mouth and complain, after all, when have i ever denied you desires and wishes?"

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c1oud999 · 9 months

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i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

#nondualism #consciousness #advaita vedanta #awareness #advaita #non duality #law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #neville goddard

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indigo-o · 1 year

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The Pet clown

Pt 2

I think we know who it's abt lmao

Nikolai gogol x reader PLATONIC

And some fyodor

Reader is a teenager

Tw impatient stuff depression, fyodor drugging, sleep deprivation, those annoying blankets they give at mental hospital even tho it's like -1 degrees Celsius if you know you know, talk of death, yandere fyodor, Manipulation from fyodor, Nikolai gogol, I think that's it so yeah

Angst/fluff

I wish you were here, this room is empty. White walls, heavy doors, thin white blankets, and chained blury windows.

This thin gown can't keep me warm. I know him. He just wants what's best for me. I guess that even means putting me in this room. This room to keep me safe.

Safe from me. No possibility of me hurting. I'm to sick leave this bed and to tired to talk. He says I'm helping him.

Im helping him cleanse the world of evil. So I guess if my pain will save the world I'll stay in this room.

Everybody else deserves to be happy and well so I'll hurt for them. If one death would save the world I'd die.

My body's purple now.

I hear a click at the heavy door. To my surprise it wasn't a anemic rat, it was his pet clown.

"QUIZZZZZ TIMEEEEEE! WHY AM I HERE INSTEAD OF DOS-KUN?! I THINK I HEARD YOU SAY CAUSE HES HAVING FUN! CORRECT!".

I looked at him. My eyes were heavy. But he did bring some color to the room. I smiled at him.

I opened my mouth to talk but I couldn't.

"Oh dove you still can't talk! I forgot! Dos-kun told me to take you outside to have some fun.".

He lied, either were not going to have fun or fyodor didn't tell him anything. Either way I was going to have to walk. I knew I couldn't but I was going to try anyway.

Fyodor knew If I could walk I'd escape from him. So he kept me physically, emotionally and mentally sick. I would have no choice to stay.

As soon as I got to my legs I collapsed, but Nikolai caught me.

"Silly me I forgot you can't walk guess I'll carry you.".

He picked me up as if I were a little kid.

"D-dont dr-rop.". I manged to get out.

"Oh dove I may be crazy but not only do we need you, Dos-kun would kill me, but I want to protect you from harm. Not like you can protect yourself in this state.".

I looked at him. Then laying on him. We proceeded to go through his cape.

We were in what seemed to be his house/apartment.

He went to put me down on his couch but he's so warm.

"Wait w-warm.".

He looked down at me.

"I guess we can go out later.". He picked me back up and took me to his bed. Laying me down cuddled with blankets, pillows and now a pet clown. I shut my eyes and finally went to sleep.

I woke up to Nikolai looking down at me.

"Am I a good pillow?". I realized how I was very much on him.

I nodded my head.

"You want to go outside for a bit dove?". He was using a soft tone.

He wasn't ever like this

Maybe because I'm a teenager but I don't know.

He got up "You slept threw the whole night, but the good thing is we have a whole day today and tomorrow, you know why?".

He leaned in close "I lied Dos-kun is away and he doesn't believe in your freedom so I'm here to show him that you're a good kid who won't run away. You see Dos-kun takes away your warmth so you can't sleep making you so tired that's why you slept for so long he wants you to be weak, weak without freedom. I'm here to give you freedom. To fly like a dove.".

He went to his closet and pulled out some clothes.

"Here's so clothes to wear so we're not caught. That sounds weird. I my dear am a very wanted person so I must look different and you can't really walk let alone the sun should hurt you eyes so if I were to be caught you wouldn't leave be caught up in it.".

What ever he said I guess.

I changed and so did he and he look pretty different

He picked me up and took me to wheel chair that he some how got, but I shouldn't question it.

He placed me in the chair and we Leigt looked like sibling going out for fun.

"F-flowers please.". I looked to him.

"You want flowers we will get flowers.".

We went to florist.

"Hi! What flowers are yall looking for!". She sounded very happy.

"What do you want dear?". Nikolai asked

While I could barely see I knew exactly what I want.

"R-rose and Lillys.".

"Of course dear I'll get right to that!".

The rest of day was amazing

I got flowers, yummy pastries and other stuff.

Who knew a deranged clown could be so kind. But at last we came back to his apartment/house.

He made dinner for us and helped me get to the bed. He tucked me in.

"Good night dove.".

I woke up

Back in the room

The room with white walls, a heavy door, thin blanket and blury chains windows. But now there wad a desk but with roses and lily's on top of it.

I heard the door click. An anemic rat with his pet clown walked in.

"You've proven yourself for now, you may keep your roses and lily's. Nikolai may visit you now and then. One thing. You may not regain full energy but.".

He stopped his words and Nikolais smile grew.

"YOU CAN HAVE A NICER BLANKET AND I CAN READ BED TIME STORYS TO YOU ONCE A WEEK!".

He ran over to with a puppy dog smile.

"Don't make regret this.". The anemic rat walked away throwing the key at the pet clown.

That was alot longer than I expected but I hope yall liked it!♡♡

#bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #fyodor x reader #bsd x you #fluff #nikolai gogol x reader #fyodor dostoevsky x reader #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #bsd nikolai #nikolai x reader #nikolai gogol #bsd nikolai gogol #angst #yandere #Yandere!fyodor #yandere x reader

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love-hatred-stuff · 1 year

Text

»sorrowful«

genre: angst, bestfriend/soulmate!bucky

warnings: short mention of drinks, (Gabriel from part 1), mentions of physical pain through mental pain

excuse any mistakes

part 1

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

»You still haven’t talked to her?« Sam could see it in Bucky’s face the second he set foot in to this room.

He shook his head.

In all the years they’ve been friends, Sam did not once see Buck this distressed and miserable.

»She’s not talking to me anymore.« His once strong and hard voice is now hushed and faint.

It’s like he’s replaced. A drunken and lifeless soul captured his body.

»Come on. Don’t be so upset about it, just give her the space she needs and she will come back sooner or later.«

Bucky’s face contorted, knowing you probably wouldn’t.

»I am, Sam! I’m giving her so much space! But it’s been two weeks now and I can’t do it anymore. She’s found herself a new best friend, if not more than that. Gabriel is there for her now. I should find my peace with it, shouldn’t I?« He looks at Sam with tired eyes.

»I’m really sorry, man. I really thought she liked you back«

»I don’t just "like her", I love her. And she doesn’t. That’s inconvenient for me, but I can’t force her, especially when I fucked up like I did.« Bucky’s aware.

Not that you made it hard for him to understand. You didn’t even answer his texts anymore.

<><><><><>

You’ve just said goodbye to Gabriel, who brought you home after a night out with him. You two met quite a lot over the last two weeks and you could say that you’ve become really fond of him. He was good company. He’s a gentleman, a happy and charming person, someone who’s good at keeping you entertained and content.

At least for a little while. Because although you thought Gabriel was a good chance at getting over your annoying feelings, that you still had for Bucky, it just didn’t work out the way you had wanted it to. You were still always thinking of your former best friend.

And sure, he hurt you with the things he’d said to you that night, but your heart still bled for a man you wasn’t supposed to love. You thought that that was finally a good reason to get some distance between you two, so you could start over and forget about him for a little bit.

You were tired of being so intimidated by feeling all those butterflies in your stomach when he was near you. Tired of feeling the constant need to feel his hands against you. Tired of wishing you could lay your lips on his and never let go.

So you felt almost relieved when he finally broke your heart. When he finally slipped. Your perfect picture of him was now damaged. You hoped it would drain your undying affection for him.

And it had worked, the slightest bit. Since you didn’t have to communicate with him for a good while, it gave you a fraction of the time you needed to make your heart forget about the power he had over you.

…

You closed your apartment door and got rid of your coat, walking into the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water. You had a few drinks tonight and you felt really sleepy now that Gabriel wasn’t there anymore to keep you going.

You breathed out and enjoyed the silence for a moment when a knock on your door destroyed your peace.

You frowned and wondered who it might be.

When you arrived at the front and opened up, you had to suppress a surprised gasp as you saw who was disturbing you this time of day.

»Hey- uhh- I wanted to ask if… if you got a minute for me?« His voice was small and you wouldn’t have heard him if not everything would’ve been so utterly still around you. The only thing you heard was the paper wrapped around a flower bouquet that he was holding in his calloused hands.

»What? Why? I- no! I don’t have a minute. I was just going to bed.« You shook your head in disapproval.

You weren’t ready to talk to him yet. You wanted to keep your peace for yourself for a moment longer.

»Y/n… please. I’m sorry. I just miss you and I think I’m going crazy without you. I have these voices in my head and- and they won’t calm! I can’t! Nobody could make it go away, Y/n!« As you studied his face you watched the desperation grew with each passing moment that his eyes begged you to let him inside.

»Fine.« You were upset with him but you still cared for him, so you couldn’t help but let you heart have the control over your actions.

You stepped aside for Bucky to come in. He breathed in the smell of your apartment. He missed it so much. It made his chest feel a little lighter to be near you again.

You followed him. You felt so anxious seeing him again. Feeling his body heat rise made you grow cold.

»Look-« He turned towards you suddenly, looking at you with glossy eyes.

Bucky wanted to touch and feel your skin against him so badly but he didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable. Causing his hands to shake vividly around the flowers he was still holding onto for dear life.

»I wish I could do more than apologize to you. But I’ve ran out of ideas how of to get your attention when you ignore every little thing I do. Which I don’t blame you for! I just- I thought that this was my last option. And I’m not over exaggerating when I say I think I’m going to die or at least live in constant pain if your not gonna give me another chance.« James wished he could do something to turn back time and keep his mouth shut instead of attack your feelings like he did.

»I took my jealousy out on you- And you didn’t deserve that! You deserve so much better! Better than me. If-« He paused, not believing how far his desperation was driving him to say what he was gonna say.

»If you like Gabriel, I will- I will let you two be. I just can’t stay away from you any longer. It gets so hard to breath and every single pore of mine screams at me like I’m about to burst into flames. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Because if I don’t have you with me I’m alone. I know that you’re not something to loose.«

»Bucky, I don’t know what to say- I don’t know if I can act like nothing happened. It really stung what you said to me. I realize that it wasn’t nice of me to act the way I did when Gabriel was around. But you also could’ve been gentler. But it’s not like I want you to die-«

»For you, I would. I love you.« Bucky had been a ticking time bomb, which had now exploded. He couldn’t keep it in any longer.

»What?« Your shocked expression told him quite a lot.

<><><><><><><><><>

Heyyy

I received so many wishes for a part two, so here it is! I really hope you all like it and sorry for the little cliffhanger! I suppose that means, more is coming^^

Also; I used some references from the song “compass” from the neighborhood

Pt.3

Masterlist

Taglist;

@jbuckybarnesfan @emerald-writes @ozwriterchick @blackgirlbydna @winterslove1917 @cjand10 @floralwsloki @vicmc624 @kandis-mom @nikkivillar @kjah97 @xjasam4lifex @errinallene

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fic #bucky moodboards #bucky barnes #marvel imagine #sebastian stan

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kit4strophe · 26 days

Text

I have absolutely no clue what to call this but I was urged to write it, so take some very slight Grayson angst (bc i hate hurting him).

enjoy lovebugs!! <3

I roll my neck. God, two nights in a row. I must be sleeping terribly wrong, I think to myself.

Stretching my arms over my head, I look across the bed to find the left side empty. I grab my phone from the table beside the bed.

5:30 AM.

I groan as I widen my eyes to keep them open. Time to play find the Hawthorne again.

I make my way down the halls, my slippers keeping my steps quiet. I’m almost downstairs when I pass Oren.

“Why are you up so early?” I mumble, my voice not ready to be used yet.

“I could ask you the same thing.” His voice has clearly already been in use.

I yawn. “Finding the second eldest, you?”

He nods. “Finding the second youngest.”

Crossing my arms, I snort. “Oh good luck with that one.”

Oren gives me an empty look. “I appreciate the confidence.”

I shrug and continue my descent down the stairs. “You’ve got the worst end of the deal here, Oren.” I say over my shoulder.

He lets out a scoff and mumbles a “Yeah” as we go our separate ways.

I end up in front of the sliding glass doors that go outside. Squinting, I can see a figure in the pool, the sun rising behind them. My heart drops. I slide the door open and make my way over to the pool.

Grayson is swimming from deep to shallow end and back again. I cross my arms as I watch him move like a fish in the water. Eventually, he finally stops and I can see his shoulders move up and down as he breathes hard.

“Grayson.” My voice does little to spook him as he turns slowly.

“It’s considered impolite to stare.” His voice is weaker than usual, the swimming taking an obvious toll on his breathing.

“It’s considered impolite to leave someone in bed alone too, if we want to go down that road.”

His eyes find mine and I falter. The look of an old, raw pain swims in his gaze.

“Gray.” I breathe.

He turns away from me. I kick off my slippers and move to sit at the poolside. My sleep shorts allow me to put my legs in the heated water.

“Come here.”

He keeps his back to me.

“Please?”

His shoulders sink as he sighs, turning to swim towards me. He comes above water again and slicks his wet hair back. I open my legs a bit, giving him room to stand between them. My hands find his cheeks.

“What’s going on in this head of yours?” I stroke my thumbs along his cheekbones.

He shuts his eyes and I can feel him lean into my touch slightly. “Too much.” He murmurs.

Frowning, I tilt his head up towards me. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He opens his eyes and searches my face, as if he doesn’t really believe that I care.

My eyes soften. “Grayson, you can talk about whatever you’d like with me. I’m always here to listen.”

An emotion that I can’t place washes over him as he clears his throat. “There’s a lot going on and I’m handling it.”

My brow furrows. “Not very well, it seems.”

He rears back as if I’ve wounded him. “Excuse me?” He challenges.

“You may be handling the physical problems but you’re ignoring the mental problems.” I lean my head to the right, examining him.

Dark circles lay under his tired eyes. He looks away from me but I pull his head back so that he’s forced to look me in the eyes.

“You can’t keep everything to yourself, Grayson. It’s not healthy and no one, not even you, can hold all that in.”

He frowns. “I’ve done this for years and I turned out just fine.”

My face falls and I give him a blank stare. “Really? We’re doing this, now?” He blinks back at me so I nod, deciding to play.

“Jameson must’ve been handling things really well, getting drunk every night for months. Oh and Nash, breaking off his engagement to Alisa like that? He definitely handled everything just right.” Sarcasm bleeds through my words.

“I’m not my brothers,” Grayson counters.

“Oh you are absolutely right, I’m so sorry. You staying up late at the foundation most nights and going out to swim at the crack of dawn every morning when we first met was you handling things perfectly.” I throw my arms in the air.

Grayson rolls his eyes. “That’s enough.”

“How can I forget when you went deep into the maze to use your sword every chance you had? Practicing until you were dripping sweat. Again. And again. And again. Over and over.” I stare deep into his eyes.

“I said, enough.” His tone is harsher, clearly affected by my words.

I shrug. “I’m just listing where you’re handling things so well, Grayson. I don’t know why you’re so mad.”

Grayson shuts his eyes and drops his forehead against my stomach. “I know. I can’t just stop. I have to keep going.”

I wrap my arms around his head, my right hand rubbing his upper back. “You can stop, Gray. You have to take breaks, it’ll kill you if you keep going like this.”

He sighs against my shirt, turning his head so he can speak clearly. “I know.”

The corners of my mouth turn down and I drag my fingernails up and down his back lightly.

He shakes his head against me.

“I know.” He repeats.

#grayson hawthorne #the inheritance games #the inheritance trilogy #i love grayson hawthorne #number one gray hawthorne defender #grayson x reader #x reader #grayson fic #fanfic

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decodedlvr · 9 months

Text

As long as I’m with You

Steve Harrington x You (short)

Summary: Steve wakes up to another bad night you’ve had this week

Warnings: hurt/comfort, talks of poor physical and mental health, doctors, suicidal ideation, medication use, drug use, chronic health issues, BPD if you squint, disabilities, use of the word “girl” x times, negative self talk, mentions of sex, angst, fluff~~

This is based off my own experiences and inspired by my pal Morgan’s version; feel free to check hers out

Tick tick tick

The clock strikes 12 and then 1, 3, 5am in the morning, no sleep no rest it’s an every day cycle. The same shitty cycle.

It’s a new year, but not a new you.

Sitting in your walker in front of the excruciatingly bright television screen, high as a kite, everything in existence running through your mind 100 mph, sometimes the weed helps the pain. Sometimes it induces it or even makes it worse. Right now it’s doing nothing for you. Looking over at your loved one sound asleep. You don’t want to bother him with your whines or crying. So you just sit there silence, tears rolling down your cheeks; while you watch some bullshit on YouTube.

Sniff Sniff

“Baby?”

Shit.

“..yea?” you say in a whispered tone

“Are you ok? what’s wrong?”

“Ah, you already know”, you’ve used that line probably over a million times

Steve comes along your side expecting a few dried tears, but his eyes widen when he’s sees the collar around your shirt bitten, snot dribbling down your mouth and throat, crouching down, he lies his head onto your thigh looking up at you, “Talk to me sweetheart”

“No.”

“Hey, I know you’re hurting”—

“GOOD FOR YOU! Congratulations you know I’m hurting, you know I’ve been hurting for fucking years. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it unlike some people”you sniffle getting up in a hurry to take a piss as he follows with sad eyes leaning against the door frame

“I’m fucking tired, I’m so goddamn exhausted nobody will ever know what I’m dealing with!”, you say wiping your ass not bothering to wash your hands, “I can’t do anything I can’t run, I can’t jump, can’t go to the stupid, fucking grocery store without one of those motorized carts.. my back hurts, my fucking knees are throbbing, stupid fucking nerves won’t calm down FUCK! It’s not like I can get in the bathtub to calm my muscles down. Nothing is helping! No medication, no PT, no injections, no nothing! Why?? am I just resistant to any source of help or treatment? I-I can’t even lay in the goddamn bed to sleep. That’s all I have left is rest!! What is rest!? I don’t know what the hell that even is”

“I know baby I know”—

“NO YOU DONT STEVE, all you know is what you see. I wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, my worst enemy to feel what I feel. That’s how bad it all hurts. The most evil, sick and twisted person in this world, I would never wish this upon. I just..”, getting dizzy you collapse on the bed sobbing into your own hands, then eventually into Steve’s shoulder as he rocks you, tears spilling from his own eyes—

“Nobody cares, nobody wants to help me. nobody cares unless I’m rich and can afford to give them any and ALL the things off my back, but I can’t. Even with the money you make it will never be enough to help the poor girl who’s too young to have any kind of issue. It’s “all in my head” I’m just fucking crazy. I could break my own neck and still be told it’s only from anxiety. Nobody cares just”—

“I care” he exhales

“It doesn’t matter if you care, all your care is useless, all your help is worthless to me because it gets me nowhere. Nobody’s love and care gets me nowhere. It’s nothing all but fucking false hope. Don’t you get that? None of you still to this day seems understand that. Stop praying for me to get better. It’s never going to happen. I can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna die! All I wish for is to die but, I can’t even have that. It’s like all of you want me here, to live and suffer for the rest of my life for y’all, it’s not fair, fuck that”, your trembling, body in fight or flight

“Don’t say that, you know I’d do anything to take your pain away”

“It doesn’t matter what you’d do because you’re not a doctor. You’re not a professional, you can’t help me get better.. sucks to hear but it’s the truth Steve..fuck”—

Steve’s really trying not to beat himself up over your words, he knows you’re in pain, it comes from a place of anger, frustration and fear

“I have all these pain medications I could easily take all at once, so I’ll never have to wake up in this position ever again. Why can’t I do it huh? I could end right here right now you never have to suffer again, but I just d-don’t; If anything, I’m the most selfless person for staying alive for YOU just so I can be alive but in pain all over again for YOU!”, your tone getting higher and higher in pitch

“I-I’m sorry.. I wish I knew the right words to say baby”, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you

“You’ve got to be sick of me, tired of me. All I do is cause more money to come out of your pockets, more exhaustion, more burdening, more crying, more everything bad for you. You already deal with your own shit. I do nothing but make your own mentality worse, hell you’re making your own self worse being with a person like me. A broken and useless excuse of a human being. You deserve somebody who can go hiking with you, go to the beach, travel with, who can do the bare minimum. Can’t even fuck you properly—

“STOP! Stop that right now” he shouts

You freeze because he’s never raised his voice at you, atleast not on purpose at such a vulnerable time

“I hate it too. You know it hurts me to know that you hurt and I’m sorry that I can’t take the pain away from you. My sweet, sweet girl I’m so sorry that nobody has given you the chance to hear your voice, to help heal you..but I’m gonna make you the same promise I make you almost every single night. As long as I’m with you, I will try my best with all my power to make it a little bit more bearable for you to be here, and I am so grateful that you are still here and choose to be here with me for us to be together. I know you hurt, but as long as you’re with me, I’m going to do my best to put a smile on your pretty face, beautiful sunshine of a smile because you’re my sunshine.. y-your smile gives me life did you know that?”

You nod. He tells you all the time

“I- I’m tired for wishing to feel ok for my birthdays, every Christmas. All the shirts and posters you got me for Christmas? I haven’t even touched them yet, you know why? Because the selfish person in me doesn’t give a fuck about none of it. The only thing I care about and want and NEED is pain relief and that’s too much to ask for isn’t it? Apparently wanting to be better in the world it’s too much to ask for”

“You deserve to feel better”, he says while his hand travels up your back to rub your tense neck, “You deserve to be free from all of this and I can’t give that to you. You’re not selfish baby you’re hurting. I love you for you. I knew what I was signing up for, and if I didn’t want that I wouldn’t be here right now with you. I know the sacrifices Ill have to make, the tears I’ll have to shed, the strength it’ll take me to pick you up when you’re down, but I fell in love with you, how you are, and who you are”

“Who are you kidding Steve, you don’t even know who I am. The real me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I wish you met me when I wasn’t sick then maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out a-and.. and,” you start sobbing again, it’s all too overwhelming

“Hey, hey look at me, no. I met you at the right time. You need me just as much as I need you. You may not think you’re worth nothing but you’re worth everything to me. Yeah you have a good and bad days..—

“I’ve had nothing but bad days for the past few months Steve”-

“I know, I see it, I hear it and I witness it, I may not can feel it, but at the end of it all, you still love me. You’re still here. You still want to cook for me. You still get up to brush your teeth and I’m so proud of you for still trying to care for yourself. That’s the biggest job you’ll ever have, and it’s been a very hard job hasn’t it?

You nod, as he nods with you

“Yeah, it has, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you. You’re my girl, you deserve so much and as long as I’m with you, I will try every day, every hour, every second or minute, to make sure you know how loved, how great and how amazing you are. How great and amazing you��re doing for yourself and for me. How strong you are”—

—“im tired of having being strong all the time”, interrupting him

“I know you are. You are so strong for being on this earth, even when you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t ask for anybody else, you’re it for me always. Will you continue to let me try to make it better for you every day? To take care of you?”, he squats in front of you, cupping your wet cheeks, kissing your forehead

“But Stevie.. you know you’re getting your own hopes up because nothing you do helps either and I feel like a piece of shit for saying that because”—

“I know what you mean, you don’t have to be sorry. I understand you may not have hope but I do. All my Hope goes towards you and it always will. You are the most important thing in my life. I’m not gonna give up on you, on me or on us, ok sunshine?”

..”okay”, you repeat rubbing your temples

“Head hurt, darling?”

“yes”

“From crying too hard?”

You nod, looking away in shame, “It’s okay, I’ll get your Migrane cap from the freezer and i’ll set your pillows up how you like, just sit tight”, he says it standing then pausing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, “I love you”

“luv you—

“Hmm? What was that, I couldn’t hear you” he exclaims

“I said love you gosh.. shut up”, you barely crack a smile

That was enough to get him through the rest of the night.

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x disabled!reader #steve harrington x ill!reader #tw sui talk #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x gn!reader #tw sick mention #mental health awareness #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington x chronically!ill reader #steve harrington x sick reader #steve harrington angst #stranger things #joe keery #chronic pain issues #bpd #spoonie

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hearts4hughes · 1 year

Note

Quinn Hughes Request: "You are not your past." and "Being strong doesn’t mean never asking for help or admitting you’re in pain." and "You don't have to hide your tears from me." and "For once in your life, do what you want! Be selfish!"

sorry for being kind of a sad sap but as someone who had a pretty rough childhood and practically raised their siblings i felt these

nora’s 500 celly !!

i hope i did your request justice, and i’m so sorry you had to go through that<3

going through a rough childhood, you never knew how to truly express your feelings. you were punished for showing the tiniest bit of emotion, so you learned how to mask it. it was never a quality you wanted to carry into other relationships, but you couldn’t control it.

when you first started going out with quinn you had opened up to him about your past. he completely understood and comforted you through the grueling memories. since then, you started to work on displaying emotions and feelings together with quinn. he played a huge part in helping you overcome some fears, but some old wounds never fully healed.

recently, you had been snapping at quinn more. you had less and less patience with him some days. quinn noticed too and decided to give you some space, not wanting to upset you even more. even though his heart was in the right place, you thought he was scared of you.

you stay curled in a ball on yours and quinn’s shared bed. he was going out with the team tonight, so you weren’t expecting him home for at least a few more hours. what you weren’t aware of was that quinn was coming home early. he had texted you he was coming home, but your cries and sobs drowned out surrounding sound.

he opened the front door, kicking off his sneakers, and scanning the house for you. after checking the living room and kitchen, he finally makes his way over to the bedroom.

“babe?” he called out, flicking the light on to reveal you laying limp on the bed. “y/n, what’s wrong?” he coos, going over to you and scooping you into his arms.

your sobs only get worse as you lay in quinn’s arms. “i don’t want to be like them.” you weep, choking back sobs.

“like who?” he questions, holding you close to his chest. your silence is enough of an answer for him. “oh no, baby. you will never ever be like them.”

“i already am, though.” you squeeze your eyes shut in hope for the tears to stop pouring out. “you’re scared of me, quinn. these last couple of weeks you’ve been walking on eggshells around me.”

your words cause quinn to flinch. he never knew this is what you thought was happening. he just assumed you needed space.

he rests his head on top of yours in a comforting manner. “baby, i am not scared of you. i was being distant because i thought you needed space. you seemed to be generally upset recently, and i thought you might’ve needed time to focus on yourself.”

the second quinn explains himself, you feel like such an idiot. you had thought he had fallen out of love, when that was never the case.

“oh.” is all you manage to get out. you were mentally and physically tired of the stress your trauma had caused you. “i’m sorry.”

“what do you have to be sorry for, my love? it was a misunderstanding, and that’s ok.” he soothed, brushing his hands through your hair. “you are not your past, and you never will be. it does not define you.”

you open your mouth, but only sobs come out. his thumb wipes away stray tears that fall from your eyes, while the other supports your body.

“baby, being strong doesn’t mean never asking for help or admitting you’re in pain.” he places both hands on the sides of your head, making you look into his eyes. “you don’t have to hide your tears from me. i’m here to comfort you. to be your personal therapist.”

you bite the inside of your cheek. “i don’t want to bother you with my problems.” your voice is diffident and unsure.

“for once in your life, do what you want! be selfish.” he raises his voice a little. “just be yourself. don’t push me away, i’m right here for you.”

you nuzzle your face into his neck, letting his scent fill your nostrils. a sense of home immediately washes over you.

“can we just stay like this for a while?” you mumble into his neck.

he smiles, pressing a kiss to your head. “of course, love.”

no one had ever comforted you in the way quinn did. he was your rock, and you were his.

#hearts4hughes #hockey blurb #quinn hughes #quinn hughes x reader #nora’s 500 celly!!#nhl imagine #nhl blurb #vancover canucks #nora's writings 💐

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furiousgoldfish · 3 months

Note

How do you continue to function when you're so burnout for decades long it paralyzed you from working properly? Ngl my life is a whole mess after 10 years trying to survive from my abuser. and I still don't know how to get back on my feet again without having a mental breakdown several times a week and feeling suicidal on top of it

and I'm too ashamed to talk about it to people, i did talk, they were understanding at first, but that doesn't stay long. You can only cry and whine once, after that, you're burdening them with your loads.

They'd say you continue fighting no matter what still and I do, fight still everyday in my life even if it's getting up from bed. But what I can't do is going to work, I just can't, it doesn’t help that i experience abuse too from the place i work at, had to quit abruptly at one occasion after the boss got physical with me

In this survival state, I mostly earned money from freelance job (and obviously it's not enough)

Everyone I'm close to is very frustrated with me because I didn't seem to be healed even though it's been this long. What I learned from it is that not to bring up my pain ever again and have to pretend I'm doing fine because that's what my family and friends can tolerate. That kind of isolation kills me, as if they didn't consider that i want to be healed too. no one else wants to survive my trauma more than me. I just don't know how and I can't see how it's possible.

Yeah I relate to this! It is very scary to be expected to be able to work and live independently while you're barely holding it together, unable to get up from bed.

I can only share my experience of this, and maybe it's not that helpful, but I want you to know that it can get better, and that people are wrong for expecting you to suddenly be okay after the experience of torturous abuse.

When I escaped, I had enough money from freelancing saved up so I could just rest for a few years (it was stressful, being scared the money would run out), but I was able to indulge fully in resting and not getting up when I didn't want to. I spent years just laying in bed and trying to work trough the trauma and get the feelings of pain and terror out, and it worked to some extent, I started feeling a little less tired after three years!

I started working very infrequently, odd little jobs, helping neighbours for a bit of money, helping the disabled people or cleaning when I could, and it would just be a few hours of work, and I'd be completely drained after that. But again, giving myself plenty of space and time to rest helped me a lot, and then later working on my osdd also helped me restore some of the energy.

I can work only 2-3 days a week now, for a few hours, and it's enough to survive in poverty, if I don't buy anything, so this is what I do. I'm lucky that I'm able to share my bills and rent with roommates and make my own food, and that I'm so used to poverty it doesn't specifically bother me. I still get sad sometimes that I can't have an actual real job and live more safely, but I'm alive, I'm not tormented, and I spend a lot of time resting, and just tell people 'I'm sick' if they ask questions.

I think freelancing, doing a few hours of work infrequently or just slowly letting yourself recover until you can do something for a bit worked great for me, but I also understand it's not something that will work for anyone. If you're stuck not being able to save up, or work enough that you could pay even a part of your rent, that feels debilitating and scary, it doesn't let you plan for the future, it doesn't feel like you can even complain to people as they're unwilling to listen. I am so sorry for what you're going trough, it's legitimately a bad situation, and it's only natural for you to struggle like this after so much abuse. I believe you need to have as much rest as you need and if one day you get a little better, you might be able to figure it out, and if not, I hope at least people take you more seriously and understand that this is real pain, real fear of losing a future over abuse.

#chronic fatigue #aftermath of abuse #trying to survive after abuse

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chaosduckies · 5 months

Text

Restoration (Chapter 8)

A bunch of scenes because why not? On another note, it is extremely hard to write a scene in winter when it’s the middle of April. I hope you enjoy anyhow! Because now I’m really getting into the plot.

Word Count: 5.9k

CW: Death, crying, vague thoughts of suicide, severe trauma, (anything else idk??)

8-Ryker

It was Thanksgiving break. The first official break from school until Christmas. Words could not describe how grateful I was for the week-long break. There was no reason to have so much work piled up a couple weeks before the end of first semester.

I was laying in my bed on my phone. It was about to turn six, which meant I should probably get started on dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to climb out of bed. I was physically and mentally tired of keeping up with everyone and whatever plans they had with their friends, taking care of Isabelle and Angela since they were still little, and on top of that keep up with the chores around the house.

I grabbed my phone off the charger, stretched out my arms and legs from laying down, and opened my door to get started on dinner. The living room was oddly quiet, with Dylan and Lucky playing a game. Isabelle playing a game with Angela on the carpet that consisted of a bunch of stuffed animals and blankets. I smiled to myself.

“What do you guys feel like eating for dinner?” I leaned against the kitchen island, waiting for an answer.

“Spaghetti!” Isabelle and Angela answered at the time, giggling at one another. I think I could do that. I don’t know if Lucky can though. It was the first weekend of the break and I’d probably need to go grocery shopping tomorrow anyways.

I looked in Dylan’s direction, making them pause whatever they were playing together. He just shrugged his shoulders, “Whatever’s easier for you.” Always with the same response.

“Ummm, I can go check what we have.” Lucky told me, getting Dylan to let him onto the floor. All I could do was wait now. Jasmine was staying over at her friends today and tomorrow. I just told her to text me if she goes anywhere far and if she needed anything. Weird, right? Usually the parent handles these kinds of things, but in the situation my siblings and I are in it’s literally impossible.

Lucky came back, shaking his head, “We don’t have the things for spaghetti,” He laid down on the arm rest of the couch and grabbed his remote, “You should call Nathan to come over. He hasn’t been here in a while. Plus, he’s so much better at cooking than I am. Right, Angela?”

“Yeah!”

I bit the side of my cheek. I don’t know about that. Just asking Nathan to come over to cook and then ask him to leave? That was wrong. Plus, he told me before the break that he’ll be pretty busy. Or… texted me. Either way, I shouldn’t bother him. Maybe he actually has a meal with his family for Thanksgiving and they were all getting ready for it already. On the other hand, Lucky makes something else for him and Angela, Angela doesn’t eat, and then everything goes downhill from there.

Looking at my phone, I picked it up, opening the messages app, and clicked on Nathan’s name. The last time he came here, Jasmine did kind of freak him out. I remember him not being able to leave anyone’s side if she was in the room. I wonder if he’d even want to come over after that. At school the next day he was a little nervous, but otherwise fine afterward, but I’m sure whatever Jasmine told him is still stuck in his mind. Ugh. This was such a bad idea.

Ryker: I have a huge favor to ask you

I waited for a response, watching Dylan and Lucky play a fighting game against one another. I had no idea who was winning, but I’m pretty sure it was Lucky. Actually… it was kind of weird how Lucky seemed to want Nathan around more often. Like, really weird. Especially when every time Nathan came, he would practically ditch him with me. I honestly don’t mind, I liked having Nathan come over, but still. I had wondered why, but I wasn’t going to ask.

Nathan: Yeah?

Ryker: Do you mind coming over to help Lucky cook something?

Ryker: You don’t have to

Well, if he says no Lucky will have to make whatever he can and I’d have to break the news to Angela. If you didn’t know, four year olds can be a little hard to deal with sometimes. So, this might just turn out to be a very, very bad day.

Nathan: Sure!

Nathan: Anything specific?

I stared at his text, relief washing over me. Dylan let out a cheer from winning against Lucky. Wow. Perfect timing. I was just so grateful right now. Nathan was literally the greatest friend ever. Now I have to think of someway to thank him. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Ryker: They wanted spaghetti

Ryker: And thank you

Nathan: No problem :)

Ryker: I guess I’ll be at the bus stop in about twenty minutes?

Nathan: Okay

I stuffed my phone in my pocket, “Okay, I’ll be right back, just text me if something happens.” I told Dylan, who nodded his head. And with that, I walked out the door and into the cold air.

———Nathan———

Winters in the city were bad. But not as bad as when we were still help captive. Now those days were terrible. Horrifying even. It was still freakishly cold here. Not something I enjoy. For several reasons really. One being that I already get cold really easily. Two, I just hated being cold and sick. And the most important reason being that it was during this kind of weather when my dad had died. Actually, in three days it’s officially been nine years since my dad died. November 24. A long time, right?

It hurts. The memories. Not just of him but how they brutally murdered him in front of his own child. I shuddered at the sight pictured in my mind. Nope. Can’t think about that. Right now I should probably be getting ready to head over to the bus stop. I already had packed a tiny bag with the things I needed to cook. Weird enough, it was kind of a therapy for me at this point. To be cooking I mean. I guess that’s why my mom always gets worried when I’m baking for no reason. Because she knows.

I sighed, giving my mom a quick text that I was heading over to Ryker’s for a little while. The last time I went, I thought everything was going great before Jasmine talked to me alone. everyone had left to go looking for something and it was just her and I. I was scared of course. We’ve never, ever talked before and from what I’ve gathered she’s really intimidating.

Her exact words to me were: “If you hurt my brother in any way I will personally murder you.” and that was was it took for me to have an entire mental breakdown for nearly two weeks. I mean, who wouldn’t be scared if someone’s sibling threatened you like that? So, the week before the break, I might have been acting a little weird around Ryker, afraid that I might actually do something wrong or hurt him in any way, which I don’t really see how I could.

Otherwise, I haven’t really been doing anything. I told Ryker that I would be busy during the break, but really I wasn’t. Only because I do actually have something to do on November 24, and I was already feeling the depression spikes as the day came closer and closer. As for Thanksgiving itself, my mom and I never do anything. Last year we were barely getting used to being in the mental hospital so we didn’t really do anything. This year she’s working so it’ll just be me. Nothing new.

I made my way down the icy streets, the sun setting faster and faster. It was only getting colder, and I didn’t really have a winter jacket. Just some to wear in the classroom like when it’s freezing in there. So, yeah, I was basically freezing my face off. Not to mention that my mom told me it might snow later tonight since it was already under twenty degrees outside. I wasn’t used to cold weather.

Once I made it to the bus stop, I snuggled up with my bag on the bench, trying to have some kind of warmth. Also because there were several people (giants) who were going back home from stores or getting off of work. The bus stop was actually used for both humans and giants. The human was a little ways from the huge one that was practically as tall as a skyscraper. Maybe taller.

My hands were shaky from the cold, but it was only another five minutes before Ryker would come and hopefully I wouldn’t be as cold. Maybe. Hopefully. I don’t know what today has in store for me. All I knew was that I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket with some hot chocolate and binge watch something on tv.

Ryker came a few minutes later, smiling and giving a thanks before offering a hand. I threw the bag on first before struggling to get on. It was hard when the ground underneath you was starting to freeze over, but I figured it out after trying for a good minute.

“You’re freezing.” Ryker told me, cupping his hand just a little. Sure, it was scary to have his fingers closer to me, but still, it was warm. How could I deny something that was practically calling me?

“That good?” He smiled, for some reason making sure I was comfortable. But I was not about to complain. I was desperate at this point. I nodded my head, bringing my knees closer to my chest to keep some of my body warmth with me. And yet another reason I hate winter.

“Thanks again. Sorry for bothering you.”

I continuously shook my head, hoping he would get the message that it was fine. Plus, I liked going over. Everyone was nice (Besides Jasmine I’m pretty sure she hates me) and never really tried to do anything too crazy with me. It was great. I’m not as afraid anymore, which was a miracle given I thought I could never trust anyone ever again, and I’ve actually made some friends.

Ryker opened the door to his house, where we found them all watching a movie together. Everyone turned their heads as soon as the door closed behind Ryker. I jumped slightly, but relaxed after a while. Nothing to be afraid of. Dylan’s eyes landed on me, giving a smile and a two fingered wave. I waved back, but I doubt he could see it.

I was set down on the ground, not entirely expecting to be in a tight hug the second I balanced myself. Lucky bursted out laughing, letting me go, “You are literally the best, Nathan.” I laughed with him, following Lucky into the room.

——————

I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. Of course Ryker tried to convince me to eat something, but I always answered no. Otherwise, dinner was okay. They had Lucky, Angela and I on the coffee table, which wasn’t really too big of a deal. I’m pretty sure Ryker and Dylan just didn’t want to handle any humans while they were eating, and hey, I was not about to say anything about it. There are just some things that will never leave my mind.

After everyone ate, Dylan and Lucky started playing a game on the tv while Isabelle and Angela were playing hide and seek I’m pretty sure. I just hoped that no one would get hurt, but Ryker quickly reassured me that they would never harm one another. I just had to believe him. Most of his siblings are stuck together like glue. Which is a good thing.

“It’s supposed to start snowing in a little bit.” Ryker announced, earning cheers from the other room where I was guessing Angela and Isabelle were. I was sitting on the arm rest of the couch by Ryker. I kind of wished that their house was a little warmer, because I was still annoyingly cold, but beggars can’t be choosers. I should have asked to grab a blanket.

“Nice. Are we gonna go out?” Dylan asked, eyes glued to the screen. I had no idea who was winning, but I think it was him.

“If you want to.”

Ryker threw his phone on the other side of the couch, turning his head to the screen. I don’t want to go outside, but I’ll go if that makes things easier. I just don’t want to be in the snow. Reasons. Remember?

It was about ten minutes later that it did actually start snowing. Angela and Isabelle were begging Ryker to let them outside, which he just laughed to and told them to get jackets on and to bring their hats. Dylan paused their game to go get on a jacket, and Ryker left to go help Isabelle. So I was alone in the living room while everyone was busy to go have some fun. I hated winter. In just three days. I reminded myself.

What would happen? Would someone else be claimed victim? Something bad always happens during this time. I don’t know if it was just me. It probably was. Everyone else was smiling while I was crying in the corner. It’s how it was in the hospital. They all went outside if they could, and I stayed in my room, under the blankets and shove my face into my pillow to drown out my tears. I couldn’t do that now though. Not when so many people had their eyes on me. Not when a trip back to the hospital was a very viable option for me. I didn’t want to go back. Not because of something… traumatic that happened nine years ago. I should be over it, right? But I’m not.

There goes one of my depression spells. Great. Just great. At a time like this? I sucked in a deep breath, calming myself down before anyone notices. This was embarrassing.

Ryker came back into the room, eyes landing on me with an unsure look on his face. He walked up to me, holding a hand out. Was he not going to wear any gloves? He wouldn’t be cold? I stood up, keeping my balance on the soft surface underneath me and walking to climb onto his hand.

“You don’t mind if I just keep you in my hand, right? I don’t want you to be freezing.” He asked. I shook my head, sitting down in the middle of his palm. That was actually what I preferred. I did not plan whatsoever to go into the snow anyways.

Once everyone was outside, Ryker sat down on the stairs, cupping his hand and keeping me close. A little uneasy about it, but there was really no reason to be. It’s just instinct. And everything in me right now is saying to get the hell inside. But I wasn’t going to say that. Mostly because I don’t want to be alone.

They were all screaming and laughing. It was snowing pretty hard too, already covering most of the frosted grass just after ten minutes. Other people were also sitting outside. Their kids playing around with the snow. I tried not to focus on that. Instead, I found myself scooting back slowly, almost to where I couldn’t see the heavy fall of the white flakes.

My body was still freezing. It was so much colder than before. Was this how dad felt? The cold pricking at his skin I mean.

“Nathan?” My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice above me. I groaned, body shaking and stuffing my hands in my pockets to preserve some of my body heat. I shuddered a breath, trembling. It’s so cold… How could they even be having fun like this? I looked ahead, seeing Dylan helping Isabelle make a small snowman with both Angela and Lucky stuffed in his scarf. This was just another one of my depression spells.

“Still cold?” Ryker asked me. I took a deep breath, “Y-Yeah…” It came out more like a quiet mumble, and I was surprised that he even heard me. Did he want to help them make a snowman? He probably did. I should just tell him to leave me inside. It would make things a million times easier for everyone.

Ryker moved his hand a bit, making me worried about what he was trying to do, but he just kept it the same. I wondered why he was going through all this trouble just for me. There was really no point. There was only a couple more months until graduation and then we’d go our separate ways. That’s how it always goes. I’d be alone again, figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. That’s how my story goes.

“Better?”

I nodded my head, getting to a comfortable position and decided to just watch what they were all doing. Finishing up the head of the snowman. It was comfy even though I was kind of scared from being in someone’s hand. At least now that is. Currently I was just afraid of falling into the deep snow. I’m pretty sure if I fell I’d sink into it. Not something I would like to see or imagine.

“You okay?” Ryker asked, softly smiling above me. There was no other response other than to nod. I couldn’t just say no. That wouldn’t do any good. But.. maybe if he notices that these next few days would be hard for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I doubt it though. I don’t plan on being here all of the time anyways. I couldn’t.

Isabelle finished the snowman, grabbing some loose twigs for arms as they stepped back. It was still snowing, just not as much. Was dad watching me right now? Was he shocked just as much as I was? I never thought I’d ever be able to be around another giant for as long as I had lived, and here I am, sitting in one of their hands. Would he think I was crazy? Delusional? Psycho? Happy like my mom even? I would never know, but even I think I was crazy.

Actually… why did I even trust Ryker? Or really anyone. They’re all so nice of course, but about four months ago I was so sure that every giant would only hurt me, and it almost became true with that lunch incident that felt like forever ago. So why did I trust these people with my life? In the back of my mind I keep thinking that this was all just a sick joke being played on me. But… I don’t think these people are lying about anything. They don’t have a reason to. And Ryker’s been nothing but patient, and kind, and… understanding. No one would go through all that trouble just to fool someone as gullible as me.

I sighed, snuggling up closer to Ryker’s thumb and watching Isabelle throw snowballs at Dylan who was shielding Lucky and Angela from the crossfire. Was it scary being there? In the midst of everything? Having to trust someone at least fifty times your size to keep you safe? I sucked in a shaky breath, just watching. It wasn’t so bad really.

———Ryker———

Today was November 24. Thanksgiving was here, and everything was a complete mess. I never learned how to make a turkey like the tradition, so usually I just made something that all of us had liked. Along with that, I had to make sure no one did anything too crazy while I was busy in the kitchen. Jasmine and Dylan were helping out cooking while I ordered something for Lucky and Angela. They both agreed on pizza (Because what else does a fourteen year-old and a four year-old want) so now I was busy with that. That part was mostly because Angela didn’t like when Lucky cooks something different.

It was just pure chaos now. Everyone was running around the house, and at that point I had to ask Jasmine to keep an eye on Angela to make sure she didn’t wander off where we couldn’t find her. I wasn’t too worried about Lucky since he’s almost always with Dylan, plus he’s smart enough to stay off the floor when it’s something like this.

I took out the lasagna, letting it cool down before making separate plates. Yeah, I know, super weird, but I can’t do anything better. I only know the basics thanks to my parents, and that was all I needed to know.

There was a knock on the door, and I asked Dylan to open it. It was just the pizza. I washed whatever dishes I had and called everyone that dinner was ready. It’s days like this where I wished that my parents never left. I feel like I can never be like them even though I was the oldest. I mean, was I just supposed to let CPS split us all apart? I couldn’t do that. My siblings would never forgive me. I like to think that they’re all happy, but I doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything to help any of them. Like I’m doing this “parenting” thing all wrong. Of course I was. I was seventeen in my last year of high school taking care of five kids on my own while also juggling a job and trying to do fun things with them so we can forget about what happened a little over a year ago. There was no reason for one person to be doing all of this.

It was snowing outside again. Not really surprising when you’ve lived here for your entire life. It was really nice though. I loved the cold. Weird, because most people don’t, but I do. I remember my parents freaking out when I would just be outside making a snowman in just a short sleeve and sweatpants when I was a kid. Of course it was so cold it burned, but I guess I kind of liked it? It was hard to explain. Or sometimes we’d stay inside and watch movies or play a game. I missed it really.

“Ry.” Jasmine snapped her fingers in front of me to get my attention. I blinked a couple times before giving a clueless look. She groaned, “I asked if I could go shopping tomorrow, I have work the next three days so I just wanna go do something.”

“Oh, um, sure.”

The tv was playing in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was paying attention to anything. Dylan, Jasmine, and Lucky were all laughing about something. What were they laughing about again? Something about going back to school? I don’t even want to think about that right now. I needed a break anyways. Most of my classes love giving me piles and piles of work anyways.

I sighed, pushing away my plate that I had barely eaten. The sun has already set, everyone was done eating, Angela asked Jasmine if she could go outside in the snow. She said yes, and so Isabelle followed. Dylan and Lucky were helping me wash the remaining dishes. Honestly I already felt so tired. It was only 8 p.m but my eyes threatened to close at any moment.

“You okay, Ry?” Dylan asked, putting a plate up in the cabinet.

“Yeah.” I replied, handing him another to dry. Lucky shook his head while continuously saying “no” over and over again. At some point Dylan grew tired of it and pressed the pad of his thumb into Lucky’s entire upper half of his body.

“He’s not wrong. You’re always like this on holidays.”

“I am?” I sighed, not really knowing how to get out of this one. These two have always been vigilant anyways. They would have noticed at some point.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know. I just feel really tired today.”

“That’s it?”

“Mhm.”

Dylan gave me a skeptical look before putting in another plate. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t think he ever will about these kinds of things.

“Why don’t you call Nathan? You always seem happier around him.”

I stopped only for a second, then continued to scrub off something on the pan I used. No. I won’t call him. Not this time. No matter how many times he’s actually made me feel better just by being here. I’ve noticed I was happier around him too, but it’s only short lived since he always goes back at the end of the day. Do I know why I was happier? Not really. I’ve thought of a few reasons. Because he’s the only friend I’ve made since middle school. He listens to me ramble on and on about the most useless information. Best of all he’s really nice. Doesn’t really seem like he’s tricking me either. Not that I think he could even if he wanted to. He was too sweet.

“No.” I sighed. Cleaning out the sink and handing off the last dish.

“Why not?” Dylan asked leaning against the counter.

“Cause I’m tired. No point in calling if I’m just going to fall asleep,” I countered, drying my hands and heading to my room, “Make sure Isabelle and Angela are asleep by 10? Please?”

Dylan nodded his head, I closed the door behind me and buried myself under the covers of my bed. I can’t keep on relying on Nathan to come fix every problem I have. He’s probably off dealing with whatever he’s doing right now anyways. But still, my hand reached for my phone, grabbing it and opening the messages app. I’m just gambling with myself at this point. If he answers in the next ten minutes I’ll ask to call, if he doesn’t, I’ll head to sleep. Either way it’s really a win-win. And here it goes.

———Nathan———

I was laying on my bed, under the covers. No lights, no sounds, just nothing. I had cried earlier this morning when I visited his grave. My eyes were dry now. Red and puffy. I just sat curling in on myself while clutching the same teddy bear he gave me when I was still just a kid. It was childish, but if it’s all I have left of him then I’m taking advantage of that.

Ironic, huh? How this holiday was supposed to bring family together. It was actually the opposite for me. Even though he didn’t actually die on this holiday, it’s just ironic how it happened this year. When we’re finally free and live like a “normal” family now. Was he watching me now? Sad and lonely in my bed? I hope he wasn’t. He’d scold me.

My phone went off, but I didn’t feel like looking at it. It’s not like I wanted to be alone. Usually my mom would cheer me up by taking my mind off of it. Whether it was playing some makeshift game or just doing something I liked with me. What else was there to say? This year was the year I was completely alone.

I sucked in a deep breath, picking up my phone with sore arms. I spent most of the day digging out the old flowers on his grave and replacing them with new ones. It was hard to do when a thin sheet of snow was covering most of the dirt and grass, but it was worth it to see the bright a beautiful colors. His favorites were lilacs. I remember mom telling me that.

My eyes shot up when I saw who texted me. Ryker? I mean it was already night, so I doubt he was going to ask if I wanted to go over. But… I was kind of curious now.

Ryker: Hey

Ryker: How was your day?

Ryker: You’re probably doing something right now but I’d just thought I’d check what you were doing

Sent five minutes ago. Why did he want to know what I was doing? It seemed weird to me, but maybe he was just bored. Did they celebrate? I hope they did. They seem to be happy with each other.

Nathan: It was okay :)

Nathan: And yours?

Ryker: Chaotic

Nathan: Oh

I wasn’t technically lying. My day was okay despite crying for most of it.

Ryker: Yeahhh

Ryker: Do you feel like calling?

Ryker: You don’t have to of course

I thought about it. It wouldn’t be that bad. Might keep my mind occupied.

Nathan: Sure

And so he called.

“Hello?” His voice sounded tired and sad, like he just woke up or something. I couldn’t find my voice. It’s become rasp from sobbing anyways. It’d be embarrassing for it to sound like that over the phone. So hopefully it’ll get better in the morning.

“Oh, right,” He sighed, “Sorry. I just felt like talking and usually you listen. You can just hang up if you don’t want to though.” He sounded nervous, but I didn’t want to hang up. Not only because it was the wrong thing to do, but because I always loved listening to what he was saying. No matter how irrelevant it was. It distracted my mind from everything wrong with me. And he seemed to like it when I did.

Nathan: I’m listening

I heard him let out a little chuckle before talking. I could hear at some points it sounded like he was going to cry, and some he sounded like he was so hurt, and sometimes he’d laugh. He changed the subject multiple times, but I kind of liked it. I just wished I could help in some other way. It sounded to me like he was stressed out and just wanted someone to be there, and I’m surprised none of his siblings were. Or maybe they were, but he just doesn’t want to put all of this on them. It seemed like something he would do.

By the time he was done, it was an hour before midnight. Funny thing was, I wasn’t tired anymore. I was putting together pieces in my mind still about everything he had talked about. How he was mentally tired of juggling five things around at once. I would be too if I were him. How he’s been more and more exhausted by the end of the day. How his parents usually did all of these kinds of things. I was going to ask what happened to them, but I feel like that was a touchy subject. Especially when he just vented to me. I don’t mind though. Not at all.

“Oh crap. Sorry for keeping you up.” Ryker apologized, saying sorry about five times before I texted him that it was okay. I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon.

“Thanks. Y’know. For listening.” I heard him yawn on the other side. He was the one tired. I silently laughed to myself, hugging the bear closer to my chest. If only he could see me now… this was embarrassing. He’d probably make fun of me for it. I wouldn’t care.

“You’re too nice, you know that?” I heard shuffling on the other side of the phone. Probably Ryker getting ready to go to sleep. And I know this was selfish, but I didn’t want him to hang up. I didn’t want my mind to realize that I was alone again. Was is it really selfish then? To me, yes. It feels like I was making him do something he didn’t want to.

“Hey, um, remember when you tried hugging me that one time? Why’d you do it?” He had asked, and I could practically see his face. Confused and happy at the same time. He was talking about when I had to stay overnight. I knew that would come up eventually, just not so soon.

Nathan: Nobody’s ever been so nice to me before. Besides my mom of course

Nathan: But I was kind of shocked you agreed without complaining

Nathan: Are you mad about it?

“Mad? Nononono. Um, the complete opposite really,” He laughed quietly, “I was shocked, yeah, but happy too.”

That gets rid of the guilt. I swear I thought I ruined everything between us, but now I know what he really thought. He wasn’t mad at me for anything.

“What about the other day? When it was snowing. You looked comfortable. Like you were about to sleep.” My cheeks started blushing from embarrassment. I had hoped he didn’t see me snuggling closer into his palm to stay warm, but apparently he did. So embarrassing. I groaned quietly to myself, tightly hugging the bear closer.

Nathan: Sorry

Nathan: I was cold

Nathan: You were warm

Nathan: Sorry again

It was silent for a second.

“Why do you apologize for things like that?”

I didn’t know the answer to that question. Usually my mind just takes over and then I spiral into the worst possible scenarios. So I have no idea why I do. Maybe because my brain thinks I’ll get hurt if I don’t? My body was scared of getting another broken bone or something getting hurt?

Nathan: I don’t know

It was silent again.

“Do… do you like being around me? I-I mean most people stop talking to me as soon as they get what they want. So, I was just wondering.” His voice sounded hurt. Obviously this ha sharpened once or twice to him. And it hurt to hear that these things have happened to someone so amazing. I could never do that to Ryker. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt him.

“Y-yes.” I almost immediately replied, my voice a little raspy. It hurt to speak, but it was fine. It’ll get better in time.

I heard him let out a sigh of relief, and I smiled. I was finally doing the right thing for once in my life. I’m kind of glad this was how the day ended.

“I would give you a hug if you were here… and if you were comfortable enough with it,” We both laughed quietly, “I’ll let you go to sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough.”

I shook my head, forgetting that he wasn’t here to see it. I didn’t want him to go. Then again he sounded exhausted. Then I would be the one keeping him up. Or he doesn’t even have to stay awake. Just the knowledge that I knew he was just on the other side of the phone was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone.

“U-Um you d-don’t have to s-stay up b-but could we stay… stay on call? P-Please.” I waited for an answer, biting my tongue for stuttering so much. My body was shaky for no reason. I was nervous. He was going to say no. He was going to say no. He was going to-

“I would love that.”

I wish he could see the smile I had on my face. How fast my heart was beating. I laid down under the covers, getting comfortable and staring at my phone that read: Ryker: 3:14. Three hours and fourteen minutes. Another seven won’t hurt.

“Thank you.”

I fell asleep a couple minutes after he did. No nightmares haunted me tonight.

—————————————

My heart is meltinggggggg

By the way, this was not the great scene I was talking about. This was just one of many to make the one I actually want to write make sense.

Anywayssss I told you guys it would be a little plot heavy for a while! I loved how this chapter came out though.

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading! Love you guys!

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ackrmvvn-levi · 1 year

Text

Memories || R.B.

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: Cussing, no happy ending, it’s basically Reiner just having one long breakdown

Reiner was laying awake in his bed, eyes trained on the ceiling above him. His forward was moist, drips of sweat traveling across his skin. His head moved to the side, eyes instead staring at the empty space beside him.

He was sure he’d moved on, he told his comrades that he was fine. After four years, he thought he moved on.

But there you were, in his dreams again. The same face, the same smile. That damn voice, he was sure he’d never get the sound out of his mind. You were gonna haunt him forever.

Reiner had built up a mountain of regrets, but this one, you, he was sure would crush him entirely.

He stood silently, shuffling into the kitchen. A cup of tea seemed like just the thing right now. He quickly poured a cup before sitting down, allowing the beverage time to cool. As it did, his thoughts slowly drifted to your first meeting.

——————

Reiner’s eyes fell on your form as you exited the mess hall, your body moving to lean on the railing in front of you. It was late evening, dusk settling over the training grounds. You hadn’t spoken to each other yet, neither of you introduced yourselves to the commandant earlier that day.

“So how you feeling about the cadet corps so far?”

Your voice snapped him out of his daze, and he felt himself startle slightly. Your lips lifted into an awkward, shy grin. “Huh?” He asked, looking back at you.

“Cadet corps? What do you think so far?” You asked with an awkward chuckle, watching his eyes trail out to the scenery.

“Uh, it’s only the first day, but so far I don’t have any complaints,” Reiner mumbled. You nodded knowingly, a small smile spreading across your features. “What about you?”

You scoffed in response, shaking your head lightly. “As fun as the fields sound, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time,” you admitted, chuckling softly. Reiner’s face softened slightly when you looked back at him, your face flushed in embarrassment.

“Sorry, I don’t think I caught your name,” you asked, meeting his golden orbs, tilting your head curiously.

“Reiner Braun.”

“Y/N Y/L/N.”

You smiled, holding out your hand. He took it gently in his own larger, callused hands, and shook it firmly. “It’s nice to meet you, Reiner.”

——————

When Reiner finally snapped himself out of his own head, his tea had grown cold. His cheeks burned from the sudden recollection of the moment, but it seemed to ease him some to remember the relaxed expression upon your face. You were beautiful from the moment he’d set his eyes on you.

His eyes still stared at his cup, not wanting to look at the clock. He knew it was late, the middle of the night, but insomnia had been a big problem of his since he’d returned to Marley.

He didn’t know what was worse—being unable to sleep or the fact that he couldn’t shake off his memories from Paradis.

He heard another loud sigh escape from his lungs, before he let his hand drop, leaning his head on top of his arms.

“This is so stupid.” Reiner whispered. “Why can’t I ever just forget?”

His finally met the clock. 2:25 am. Reiner still didn’t feel the least bit tired, but he knew if he didn’t try again he’d be up all night.

“Fuck, Y/N. How can you still have this much of an effect on me?” He mumbled as he stood, slowly making his way back to the empty bed.

By some miracle, after what felt like hours of tossing and turning, his eyes closed and sleep overtook his body.

——————

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Your voice made him jump, and he looked at you through the darkness, a smile stretching across your face.

The battle of trost had taken a lot out of all the cadets, both physically and mentally. Most had fallen asleep as soon as they could, but Reiner couldn’t get Marco’s face out of his head.

“Probably, but you should be too,” he shot back, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips. You nodded in response, moving to sit next to the blonde. A comfortable silence took over the two, eyes trained up at the night sky above.

“I couldn’t sleep,” you quietly admitted, now fiddling with your fingers as you stared at your lap. “I’ve wanted to be a scout for what feels like my entire life, and I never thought I’d second guess that choice. But after today…after watching so many of our friends die, I guess I just wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was.”

Reiner turned to stare at you. His heart ached at the sadness in your eyes, the regret written on every inch of your face. He’d never seen this side of you, he’d never seen you look so vulnerable. He hated it.

“No one is prepared for this. But you can’t look at it like that. The only thing you can do is your best. You keep pushing forward, no matter what. It’s normal to feel sad for the people we lost, but they gave their lives for a noble cause. You can’t use that as an excuse to call it quits. You’re stronger than that, Y/N. We all know it.”

You looked at him, and Reiner was surprised at how sincere your gaze was. “Thank you, Reiner,” you said softly, moving to set your head against his shoulder. “I’m glad you made it out.”

Your words were quiet, but they sent a jolt of nerves through his body. The warmth radiating from your body, your hair softly brushing against his jaw. It took his mind a minute to snap back into reality.

“Yeah…me too.”

——————

It took a few minutes for Reiner to notice the tears collecting in his eyes when he woke up again.

This time, it was light outside, the sun illuminating his room through the curtains he’d forgotten to close last night.

His wiped away the wetness from his orbs before pushing himself into a sitting position. His body protested, his muscles stiff from the countless days without proper rest.

He forced the memory of his most recent dream, as well as the wave of emotions it brought with it, into the back of his head. He didn’t have time to dwell on your previous relationship at the moment. Instead, he focused on getting ready for the day ahead.

——————

Reiner sat outside the training barracks, eyes watching the warrior candidates during their training. They weren’t doing much more than basic drills today, this visit home was meant to be a bit of a resting period after all.

He jumped when Zeke’s hand landed on his shoulder, the older man moving to stand next to him.

“Afternoon, Reiner. How are the candidates doing?” Zeke asked, a friendly smile taking over his face. “Kinda reminds you of us back then, huh?”

Reiner spared him a glance, barely giving the man a nod in response. “They seem alright today.” Zeke hummed in reply, his eyes drifting towards the recruits.

“And what about you? Still having trouble sleeping?”

Reiner stiffened at that. He’d mentioned in passing his restless nights, but he hoped Zeke just assumed it was a product of the war. He couldn’t risk anyone finding out he was still hung up on you. Someone he was supposed to hate.

“Yeah, it hasn’t gotten much better.” He managed to stammer out, keeping his gaze fixed on the kids, rather than meeting Zeke’s eyes.

The old fighter gave him a sympathetic smile before dropping the subject, seemingly satisfied by Reiner’s answer. He was thankful Zeke hadn’t pressed further into it.

“Looks like they’re finishing up, I’ll see you later, Reiner,” Zeke stated, quickly disappearing once again. Reiner waved a goodbye to his friend before returning his attention back towards the soldiers.

He stayed for another few minutes before turning and walking off, deciding he’d been out the house enough today.

He had to hide his groan when Gabi grabbed his wrist, effectively stopping him from going anywhere.

“Reiner! I saw you watching! I’m pretty good, aren’t I?” She spoke excitedly, making Reiner wish he had her energy. He forced a smile onto his lips as he looked down at his cousin.

“Yeah, Gabi. You’re doing great.” Her features brightened up even more, opening her mouth and rambling on some more about how impressive she was.

Reiner tried to hold of his impatience and listen to the girl, but his body felt like it weighed a ton. He wanted nothing more than to lay down, but he knew his cousin well. The girl could talk for hours without getting tired.

“Gabi, I’m gonna go lay down for a bit-“ She cut him off.

“But it’s the middle of the afternoon, you’ll have time to sleep later.” She insisted, looking at him with pleading eyes. Reiner shook his head.

“I’m feeling pretty out of it-“ He, once again, didn’t get to finish his sentence.

“Come on, Reiner! Let’s walk around for a while. We never get to-“

“Gabi!” He yelled before he could stop himself. “I just want to lay down, please!”

He watched as she fell silent, her face falling slightly. The guilt washed over him like a wave, he hated that look on her face, knowing he was the one who caused it.

“Sorry, Gabi. I didn’t mean to yell,” he mumbled, not meeting her eyes.

“Sure, Reiner. I’m gonna go find Falco.” She turned and walked off without another word, leaving Reiner to sigh to himself.

He ran his hands over his face, trying to clear his thoughts. Maybe going to lie down would help, maybe it wouldn't, but either way he had to try.

——————

“Reiner? What’s going on?” Your voice reached his ear, making every muscle in his body stiffen. He hadn’t even heard you walk up behind him, this wasn’t a conversation he wanted you to hear.

He glanced over his shoulder at you, trying to hide his nervous expression.

“Nothing, Y/N.” His tone came across colder than he intended it to, but maybe that was for the best.

“You’re just tired, that’s it, right? Your nerves and shot, you don’t know what you’re saying,” Eren spoke up, placing a hand on Reiner’s shoulders.

Reiner could still feel your eyes burning holes into his back, a sick feeling swirling in his stomach. This isn’t how he wanted you to find out. He didn’t want you to find out period, but he knew he wasn’t lucky enough for that.

“Yeah, it’s the battle fatigue talking,” Bertholdt spoke up quickly, trying his best to hide the nerves in his voice.

Eren pulled his hand away from Reiner, glancing between the two friends. “It’s okay. You’re okay. If you really were the armored titan, what’s the end game here? We wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. What’d you expect me to do? Say yes, let myself be kidnapped just because you asked politely?”

Reiner almost forgot you were standing behind him, listening to the whole conversation. His eyes bored into Eren’s, his mind racing for a way out of this.

“Right. I’m not thinking straight, am I? I barely know what I’m saying here. Must’ve gone off the deep end.”

Eren turned away from the blonde. “Come on, let’s go.”

Everything felt silent, the wind picking up, setting an eere mood on top of the wall. Reiner didn’t respond when he felt your hand on his arm, your voice trying to get his attention.

When he turned to face you, his gaze met yours, the intense look in his eyes making you take a step away from the man.

“Please, tell me what’s going on,” you spoke in soft tone, desperately trying to keep yourself together. He didn’t answer, averting his gaze once more.

The sound of the nearby flag snapping off its post and falling down the walls made you jump, stepping even further away from Reiner.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’ve been here too long for my own good. 3 years of this madness, surrounded by idiots. We were kids. What did we know about anything? Why did there have to be people like this? Why? Why did I let myself desolve? How did I let myself fall in love with one of them?”

He saw Eren pull you back behind him and Mikasa out of the corner of his eye, but it took a moment before Reiner realised you were staring at him intently, tears in your eyes.

He should've known better. No matter how much he'd been trying, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it, he knew it would come to this. He could only hide his true intentions for so long.

He quickly shook off his guilt, his regret, turning away from you.

“It’s too late now. Damned if I know what’s right anymore.” His hands gripped the makeshift sling he wore, ripping it from his shoulders and beginning to unwrap the bandages.

“Who cares? It is what it is. No choice but to face what I’ve done.” He held his arm up, letting everyone see the smoke rising from his arm as his wound healed. “As a warrior, no road left but the road that leads to the end!”

“Reiner, how could you?!” You yelled, trying to push past Mikasa, her hands keeps you in place. Reiner stared you down, silently begging you to leave. He couldn’t look at you now. Not anymore. “This isn’t you! Please, tell me you’re lying!”

“I can’t! Don’t you see?! This is who I am! I have to finish what I came here to do!” He ignored your cries for him to stop, ignoring how shitty he felt in that moment. He choked down his negative feelings, forcing himself to speak the sentence he would always regret.

“It’s time for me to stop wasting my time with a devil like you.”

He swore he could see your heart shatter through your eyes, the pain visible on your features. He couldn’t afford to let it get in the way. No matter how much he wished he could stay there with you, with everyone, he had a mission to complete.

——————

Reiner shot up from the mattress, his chest tight as he fought for breath. He hardly registered the tears pooling down his cheeks, his entire being drowning in the darkness of his mind.

How could he do that to you? The only women he’d ever truly loved, and he practically ripped your heart out and stomped on it. He could never be happy like he thought he might have been. He’d rather die fighting than live without you by his side.

He’d never forgive himself, not fully. He was a monster, a liar, someone with no redeemable traits. He was everything Marley had claimed the Eldian people were. A murderer, a coward, a traitor. He never deserved you to begin with.

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silver-hwaberry · 1 year

Text

FOURTEEN: insomnia

Warnings: oral (f receiving), fingering, protected sex, slight soft dom, feelings of being overwhelmed during sex.

Word count: 9.8K

Taglist: @kiwibaekie @fudgeflyssworld @kodzukein @elk-1998 @khjcoo @pepperony-7 @ateez-babygirl @starillusion13

I lay in bed, staring at the window. I can hear the occasional car passing down below. A week has passed since the meeting and work was busy. I was also struggling to sleep. The guys have their final promotion schedule the following day and then thankfully have a few days off before rehearsals for the tour and upcoming kcons begin. Despite seeing each other every day at home and at work, we had all been busy that we had barely spent any quality time together. Seonghwa, Yunho, Hongjoong, San and Wooyoung were going to see their families for a couple of days while Yeosang, Mingi and Jongho were staying in Seoul. My parents and sisters were also arriving in a couple of days, too, and I was looking forward to seeing them.

I sigh and give in. I accept that sleep is not coming anytime soon so I throw my cover off me and get out of bed. I open my bedroom door and make my way to the kitchen. The entire apartment is quiet. Everyone is asleep. Oh, how I envy them. I bitterly envy everyone who is in the land of nod right now while I am wide awake but absolutely exhausted at the same time!

I get some milk from the fridge and pour it into a saucepan. I am hoping some warm milk might help me get sleepy. As I wait for it to heat, I check my phone. There is a message from Soojin. I smile as I open it. It is a simple ‘I love you’, but it melts my heart. I quickly reply that I love her too and that I can’t wait to see her.

I settle onto the sofa with my mug of warm milk and switch the tv on, turning the volume down. I pull the throw over the back of the sofa over myself. I scroll aimlessly through Netflix trying to find something that would lull me to sleep. I don’t even know what I’ve put on, as I am more focused on scrolling through my phone.

“Can’t sleep?” I hear Yeosangs deep voice ask softly from the doorway, giving me a fright as I hadn’t heard him come down the stairs.

“Nope.” I answer, sitting upright and switching the tv off with the remote. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“of course not. I didn’t know you were even awake until I got into the hallway and saw the light on.” He says, coming into the lounge. He is wearing a black tank top and loose red and black plaid pj bottoms.

“You can’t sleep either?” I ask as he shakes his head and runs a hand through his dark hair. I can see how tired he is in his face. Yeosang is naturally pale, but I can’t help notice how much paler he looks than normal. It worries me, as I know how hard they are all working right now, both physically and mentally. “Want to cuddle?”

I open the side of my blanket and pat the space beside me. He smiles and comes over. I can feel how tense his body is as he lays down beside me. He tucks me into his side, my head resting on his chest as his arms wrap around me. Usually our cuddles are fleeting as there is always someone around and normally in the kitchen or hallway. It feels nice to be actually lying down to hug him, no fear of interruptions or someone walking in. I feel him place a kiss on the crown of my head, causing me to look up at him.

“I’ve missed you.” he sighs

“Me too.” I reply. “About you, I mean. Obviously, I don’t miss myself!” This causes him to chuckle and I can feel his deep laugh vibrate in his chest. I cautiously rest my leg on top of his and immediately he pulls me closer, his right hand holds onto my left. His other hand resting on my lower back, his fingers making soft circles through my shirt. I feel the tension in his body lessen.

“Anything in particular keeping you awake?” He asks as his fingers play with mine.

“Just a little bout of insomnia.” I answer, resting my head back on his chest and looking down at our hands as my fingers playback with his. “What about you?”

“Wooyoung is talking in his sleep.” He answers.

“Woo is a sleep talker?” I laugh. The fact he talks in his sleep when the man talks a lot when he is awake is funny to me.

“He does sometimes.” He laughs. “I can still go to sleep and sleep through it when he does it, but not tonight, for some reason.”

“Can you make out what he says when he does it, or is it like mumbling?” I ask trying to picture Wooyoung talking in his sleep. The night I had slept in his bed I had heard nothing, but then I can sleep through anything so he could have been having a full-blown concert in his sleep and I wouldn’t have known!

“Oh yeah, he speaks very coherently!” he replies. “Tonight it is something about pandas and pineapples chasing him to steal a wooden spoon.” He answers, his fingers pretending to catch mine now.

“Sounds like an interesting dream.” I giggle.

“Yeah.” He chuckles as he continues to play with my hand, it turning into a gentle game of thumb wrestling, making us both laugh quietly. It feels comfortable laying with him like this, like we do it all the time. The reality is we have only had a couple of kisses and hugs when we have had moments alone, which have never lasted long, as there is always someone around. So this feels nice. Yeosang is completely at ease right now because everyone is asleep. We know there will be no interruptions and it’s nice to see this touchy and playful side to him I’ve never got to see before. After a few minutes, he asks softly, “Do you get insomnia often?”

“I used to struggle from time to time when I was a teenager, but the last time I had it was over a year ago.” I say.

“How long has this one been going on for?” he asks.

“I am on day 3 so far.” I answer.

“You haven’t slept in 3 days?!” he asks. “Sorry, I am asking you a lot of questions.”

“I don’t mind answering your questions. I got around 2 hours last night, but it was broken up.” I reply, yawning. I can feel myself beginning to relax into Yeosang.

“Does this help? Cuddling into someone?” he asks. I nod and smile gently at his questions, but also at what he is asking. “Anytime you can’t sleep, you know you can come to one of us.”

“Can I come to you for cuddles in the middle of the night?” I ask, my fingers intertwine with his now.

“If-if you feel it would help you, then of course you can.” he says quietly. I can hear his heart beating a little faster now.

“This is helping me.” I say sleepily.

“I am always here for you.” His voice is soft as I let out another yawn. “Close your eyes and get some sleep.” He whispers and I feel his hand that was on my back move up to my head, stroking it gently.

“What about you?” I ask, moving my head slightly to look up at him. “You need to sleep too.”

“I’ll be going to sleep soon.” He replies, kissing my forehead. “This is helping me too.”

“That’s good.” I move further up his body, pressing my lips on his. He kisses me back softly and smiles at me when our lips part, before I place a kiss on his bare shoulder. I cuddle into him once again, my knee bending over his legs to get even closer to him.

“Sweet dreams.” I hear him whisper as he delicately caresses my back.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

As I feel myself begin to wake I can feel a warmth behind me. There is a distant clattering noise coming from the kitchen and someone making a shushing noise. I open my eyes and can make out through my blurred vision that I am on the sofa. I am lying on my left side, facing the backing of it and there is a heavy weight over my right hip and a hand on my stomach. I look behind me and squint my eyes to see Yeosang asleep. His left arm is under my head while his right is over my waist. His leg is draped over my hips as he is flush against my back. The top half of the blanket has fell off and lying on the floor while the bottom half is covering our feet.

The early morning light is coming in from the large window behind the sofa. My alarm hasn’t gone off so I know it isn’t 6am yet. Another noise comes from the kitchen and I hear a deep yet hushed voice say “Could you make anymore noise?!” I recognise it as Seonghwa, the reply of “Sorry!” belongs to Mingi and a “You’ll wake up Luna and Yeosang making such a racket!” from Seonghwa.

I put my head back down onto Yeosangs outstretched arm I had been sleeping on before I woke up and close my eyes. I feel Yeosang move slightly behind me, his arm over my stomach pulling me into him. I move my hand to his and hold on to his fingers as I doze in and out of sleep, but I can hear Seonghwa and Mingi quietly walking around. I hear one of them come in to the lounge and pull the fallen blanket over us both before a kiss is placed on my temple. I can tell from the scent as they leaned over me it was Seonghwa, and then hear them leave the apartment. I knew they both had an early schedule, and the others were joining them at the music show later on.

I begin to feel Yeosang waking up behind me. The hand that has been on my stomach moves to my hip as he partially sits up and leans over me. I turn my head and open my eyes to look at him. “Good morning.” I smile at him, rolling onto my back.

“Did you sleep well?” he asks, his morning voice much deeper than normal as I nod.

“I did. Did you get to sleep soon after?” I ask him.

“I fell asleep straight after you did.” he replies.

“I am glad.” I reply, gently pulling his head down so I can kiss him.

It starts slowly, our lips softly moving against one another. Just at our usual easy pace. That is, until his top half lowers onto me and my hands move to his long hair. Before I know it, his entire body is on top of mine and our kisses are turning needy. I feel him getting hard as his hips subtly move against me.

“We should stop.” He mumbles against my mouth, panting heavily.

“Ye-yeah.” I reply as he moves off me but keeps his hand on my waist. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I don’t want to stop but…. I know if we keep kissing like this I will want to do more and I don’t want to rush you.” he says

I can’t help but smile at this and it also makes me want to kiss him again at how sweet he is being, but I am respecting what he is saying. “You wouldn’t be rushing me, but I understand where you are coming from.” I reach for his hand and play with it like we did in the early hours of this morning when we both couldn’t sleep. “I don’t want to rush you either.”

“Since we have some alone time, which is rare in this house, I want to use this time to ask you if I can take you on a date tomorrow afternoon?” he smiles at me.

I feel like a million butterflies have been let loose inside my stomach as I look at him. “You want to take me on a date?” I ask, knowing I am smiling like a lunatic right now.

“I do.” He nods, chuckling, and I can see through my slightly blurry vision that his cheeks and ears have turned red as he looks away. “If you want to, that is.”

“Yeo, of course I do!” I cuddle into him, and he lets out what sounds like a sigh of relief. “Where are we going?”

“Ah, I want to keep it a secret. However, I remember the debacle you had over what to wear when you went on a date with Seonghwa….” He says.

“Hey! There was no debacle!” I laugh, playfully tapping his stomach with the palm of my hand

“Oh, you were 100% flapping. We all saw it!” He laughs back.

“Ok, so I might have flapped a little, I guess!” I reply as it was true, I did!

“So to stop any flapping over this i will tell you it involves food and is somewhere really casual but cute. Well, I think it is cute. I haven’t actually gone to it. I’ve only seen photos of it and walked past it too, but it is somewhere I’ve always wanted to take someone special, so this is perfect.”

“I am someone special?” I ask him.

“You are very special. To all of us.” he says, tilting my head to kiss me.

“I thought you didn’t want to kiss me anymore.” I playfully tease him, poking his shoulder

“Oh, I want to kiss you and so much more!” He laughs deeply. “But I don’t want our first time together to be a quickie before the others wake up. I intend to take my time with you when the time comes.” He grins, kissing me once more. I feel my tummy flip at the thought of it and I can’t help but squeeze my thighs together as heat pools in my core.

I know he is teasing me now as the hand that was on my waist moves lower and squeezes my ass over my pyjama bottoms. His teeth lightly nip at my lower lip. He pulls my left leg over his hip before moving his hand back to my ass. I can feel us getting carried away again as he suddenly pulls my hips into his and I can feel the outline of his hard on through our pyjama bottoms. He moans lightly against my mouth before my alarm suddenly blares from my phone, causing us both to jump in fright. Yeosang quickly turns over and picks it up from the floor and hands it to me as we both laugh.

“Your loud ass alarm always makes me laugh.” he says as we sit upright.

“Sorry!” I giggle, nudging his shoulder with my head

“Do you want to come down to the gym with me?” he asks, moving my long bangs off my face and cupping my cheek

“I think that would be dangerous.” I playfully grin at him.

“Worried you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off me?” he smirks back, his hand moves down to my neck. “I saw you watching me in the mirror last time we went to the gym.” It spins my head how he can go from being so shy to so cocky.

“Can you blame me? Look at you!” I laugh, feeling my face blush. “I think I’ll stick with my usual run around the park this morning. It is less distracting.”

“Probably safer too.” He nods as he leans forward as if to kiss me, but just before his lips touch mine, he pulls back and stands up with a smirk on that innocent face of his. He is teasing me once again, but I cannot lie and say that I am not liking this new side to him I am seeing. He holds out his hand for me to take and he helps me up. “I shall see you later on.” He simply says before leaving the room. I run my fingers through my hair and shake my head as I laugh lightly to myself. I did not expect this amount of teasing from him, but I am not complaining either.

─── ･ ☆: *.☽.* :☆ ･ ───

The final performance is at Inkigayo. There is a series of fancalls scheduled for after the stage performance, so I was there to help with any translations, but overall the guys handle each call really well. In previous fancalls I have barely been needed by any of them. As soon as we arrived at the studio, they went straight into hair and makeup and then to wardrobe, so I was waiting alone in the room where everyone had left their things.

“Hey Luna!!” Hyunshik says as he comes into the room.

“Hiya!” I smile, putting my phone down

Since the meeting a few days ago, we had been talking more. Hyunshik was one of the junior assistant managers. He joined the company a year before I did and had been training ever since. He was a really funny guy and easy to talk to as well. I could see how much he loved his job and wanted to be promoted to full manager status and not assistant manager, which was basically doing whatever the managers told him to do from what I could see.

“What a manic week it has been!” he sighs, sitting across from me. “I cannot wait for a few days to do absolutely nothing!”

“Are the promotions always like this?” I ask him

“Generally yeah. This one has felt so much busier, though. With all the music shows, interviews, the group and individual schedules, online fan calls, in person fan signs. I think because this is the first comeback with full audiences, it has felt more hectic than other comebacks.” He replies, opening his laptop. “And things are only going to get busier too, with the kcons and tour dates coming up! I honestly don’t know where the guys get their energy from. I go home exhausted every single day and I am not on stage performing multiple times a day every day.”

I can only nod silently. I don’t know where they get it from either. I am seeing them come home every night on the brink of exhaustion, but still practicing in their bedrooms. Hongjoong normally going from the apartment to his studio until the early hours doing even more work. Honestly, it has worried me, but Yunho had told me to trust them to know their own limits when I voiced my concerns about their wellbeing the previous week. So I was trying not to worry, but that was easier said than done. So I have been doing a lot of tongue biting recently.

“Do you have any plans for your time off?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts

“My parents and sisters are coming to Korea for a couple of weeks on Tuesday, so I’ll spend some time with them.” I answer.

“Do they not live in Korea?” he asks

“They live in London. I moved here in 2017 for college, but I was born in New York.” I answer. It is always an automatic answer that comes out of my mouth whenever I am asked where my family lives.

“Wow!” he gasps, looking up at me. I never tire of that reaction either. It is always been entertaining to me. The next question is always “Are both your parents Korean?”

“They are. Both were born in America too, but all 4 of my grandparents were born here and moved to America.”

“I didn’t think you could get any cooler Luna, but you surprise me! It explains your American accent when you speak English.” he smiles. Everyone says that too about my accent when I tell them. “So, what are your plans with your family?”

I go to answer, but the door opens, causing us both to look over. Seonghwa, Wooyoung and Jongho come in. They are ready for the stage and I have to stop myself from gasping at how hot they look for their final promotions stage outfits. Seonghwa is wearing a sleeveless top and honestly, seeing his bare arms is a weakness for me. I hope to god he never finds out about it! Wooyoung is wearing a white shirt that is unbuttoned dangerously low, a slim black tie around his neck with a black baseball style jacket and ripped jeans. Jongho is in all black. Black jeans, black shirt, black jacket with a white rose pinned near the pocket. Honestly, he looks amazing and I know I am staring. I am dreading seeing what the others are wearing as I may start drooling! I’ve never felt this way over boyfriends in the past. Wooyoung smiles as he sees me and goes to come over, but stops when he sees Hyunshik.

“Oh, hey Hyun!” he says to him

“You guys nearly ready for the stage?” he asks, looking back at his laptop

“Most of us are. San is still getting his hair done, and the stylist is making a small change to Yunhos shirt.” Seonghwa answers.

“Myeonjin said the stage is almost ready, too.” He replies. “Ah shit, I’ve left the paperwork for the fan calls in the office. Ilsung will kill me if he finds out I don’t have them! I’ll be back in an hour! Don’t tell him!” He adds, grabbing his mobile and bag.

“Your secret is safe with us!” Wooyoung laughs

“We can finish our conversation later on too, Luna!” He smiles at me before running towards the door.

“We sure will!” I laugh as I watch him run out of the room and then feel Seonghwa kiss my cheek from behind. I tilt my head up to look at him from my seated position as he puts his hands on my shoulders. I place my hands over his as he bends down and kisses me on the lips. “Hi.” I whisper to him in English.

“Conversation?” I hear Wooyoung say.

I look over at him to see him actually pouting. “Are you jealous?” I ask

“No!!” He replies immediately and rather loudly, causing Seonghwa to laugh. “I was just wondering what kind of conversation you guys had that needs to be continued at a later time is all!” But I can see he is a little jealous. Wooyoung does not have a good poker face.

“You are jealous!” Jongho teases him as I stand up, moving towards Wooyoung, and he huffs slightly as I cuddle him, taking care not to ruin his hair or makeup.

“Give me a proper hug!” He whines, pulling me closer.

“We were talking about our plans during the break.” I say to him softly, my hands stroking his lower back as I relax into his body. “That is all. Nothing to be jealous of.”

“I am not jealous.” He says quietly to me.

“I know.” I whisper back. “But just so you know, if you were…” I look up at him “…it would be really really hot!” I raise my eyebrows as he breaks into a cheeky grin.

“Noted.” He replies before kissing me.

“Your make up!!” I giggle, pulling my head back

“I don’t care!” He says, leaning down to capture my lips once more. I am now used to how open around the others he is with his affection and kisses. I kiss him back as I feel his hands move down my sides and rest on my ass. I can also feel his breathing change, becoming a little faster, his hands pulling my body even closer to his than it already was. This kiss feels so much more different from our usual kisses. It is getting heated and I know he is forgetting his surroundings, and to be honest, so am I.

Seonghwa and Jongho are still in the room and the others would come any minute, not to mention a staff member could arrive too. I need to put my sensible head on and stop the kiss now. Reluctantly, I pull my lips away. His eyes are dark as he looks down at me, trying to catch his breath. “Sorry, got a little carried away there.” he says quietly

“It is ok.” I smile at him, pecking his lips.

“I.. erm, should go to the toilet before we get called on stage.” He says as his cheeks suddenly flush pink. I nod and let go of him. He walks rather awkwardly towards the bathroom, his hands covering his lower part, and I realise he has a boner. Instantly I feel my own cheeks heat at this and look towards Seonghwa and Jongho who are sitting on the sofa, scrolling on their phones. Either they are so occupied with what they are doing on their phones they weren’t aware of what was going on or they are trying to look like they were busy. Either way, I am thankful there is no teasing.

One by one, each of the other guys comes into the room. All their performance outfits for this comeback have been amazing, however, this last set is definitely my favourite and I feel like the stylists have left the best ones for last. Each outfit suits them so well, and I can see how comfortable they feel in them too. Not to mention how hot they look too! My horny teenager side coming out once more. I try my best to calm myself down and stop thinking dirty thoughts. Especially when a sleeveless San sits next to me and rests his hand on my thigh as we all talk.

“Time to go to the stage now.” Myeonjin says as he comes into the room.

“Good luck!” I smile as they all get ready.

“Come with us.” Yunho says taking my hand into his. “You can watch from the side of the stage.” His smile shining brightly as he looks down at me.

“Am I even allowed to?” I ask.

“Of course.”

“We want you there.” Hongjoong says

“All of us.” I hear Jongho say from beside me, causing me to look at him. He is looking at me in a way I’ve never seen him do before, and it makes my tummy flip. “So please come.” I look around at them all, smiling at me, and I nod. Of course I want to be with them, there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The apartment is quiet tonight. San, Wooyoung and Jongho are having a night out with some of their idol friends they haven’t seen for a while. Yunho had left to go home straight from the studio after the final round of fancalls finished while Seonghwa, Hongjoong, San and Wooyoung were leaving tomorrow. I was pleased for them because they deserve it and I know how it is to miss your family, but I also knew I would miss them, too.

Saying goodbye to Yunho was difficult, and I wasn’t expecting to feel the emotions that I did when he was leaving. It made me realise that my feelings for not just him, but the others, were slowly growing. He hugged me for as long as he could until Hongjoong had to come into the room and tell him it was time to leave. Before he left, he kissed me and whispered that he would miss me, promised to text and send photos while he was away, too. I told him “Don’t! Just enjoy the break and spending time with your family!” The kiss he gave me before he finally left was long and lingering. It wasn’t heated but I could definitely feel his emotions through it and I felt like his lips were still on mine the entire car ride home as I sat looking out the window. I wasn’t certain, but it felt like he was finding it difficult, too. Or maybe it was all just in my head.

When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom to take out my contact lenses and get changed into my pyjamas. I also just wanted a moment of being alone, too. I was adjusting well to going from living completely alone to with 8 men, especially men who are very attentive to me, but there were times I just needed a bit of solitude. Thankfully, the guys appeared to know when I needed to be alone and didn’t question it.

When I told Hongjoong about the bipolar, he asked if there were things I ever needed and I told him space was one of them, especially when I would feel overwhelmed. Rarely, but from time to time I just need to be by myself for a little bit. So I wasn’t sure if he’d told them to give me time alone or if they just intuitively knew when I needed it. They left me be, gave me the time I needed, then didn’t make a fuss when I came back to them either, and I appreciated it.

As I walk into the lounge, it feels weird having the apartment so quiet. I don’t quite know what to do with myself, but there is only one person I need to see right now. I go upstairs and knock on Seonghwa and Hongjoongs bedroom door. I hear Seonghwa say to come in.

“Hey Luna.” he smiles at me

I can see a pile of clean washing on his bed that he is putting away. His already packed suitcase for tomorrow is sitting beside the bedroom door. It makes me smile lightly at how organised he is and I hope that some of it will rub off on me as I am the most disorganised, ‘wait until the last minute then freak out’ person ever!

I walk over to the window and look out at the skyline. I honestly love the view from their apartment, especially at night time. You can see Han River in the distance. It is honestly a beautiful view. I feel Seonghwa wrap his arms around my waist from behind.

“You okay?” I hear him ask.

“Yeah, I am.” I turn around and smile at him.

“You sure? You were quiet on the drive home and then went straight to your bedroom.” he says.

“I haven’t been sleeping well recently but I am honestly ok.” I reply as he kisses the top of my head. “So don’t worry!”

“Hopefully, with the break from work we all have and your family coming to visit, you can relax and we can get you back into a good sleep pattern again.” he says

“‘we’?” I ask, smiling as I look up at him

“Yes, ‘we’!” he smiles back at me as he pecks my lips. “I know most of us are going away for a couple of days, but whatever we can do to help you, we will.”

“I’ll be fine in a day or two.” I sigh happily.

We spend a few more minutes cuddling before I pull away from him. He goes back over to his side of the bedroom and picks up a shirt from his bed, placing it on a hanger. I go over to the display cabinet with his Lego Star Wars creations and look at them. It brings back happy memories of my dad and I spending an entire day just building, just the two of us. My eyes fall onto Hongjoongs bed. An open suitcase is sitting on it, some clothes haphazardly thrown inside it.

“Where’s Hongjoong?” I ask Seonghwa

“Where do you think?” He replies, laughing.

“Is he seriously at his studio tonight?” I ask in shock, turning to look at him. “He is going home tomorrow morning!”

“Thought you would have known by now the man pretty much lives there.” He says. “He got changed and left straight away.”

“Of course I knew that, but you guys have finished work for a few days. I didn’t expect him to be at the studio tonight.” I reply.

“Did you come to see Hongjoong then?” he asks me as he is hanging up a clean sweater and I feel nervous.

“Not really.” I say, my fingers fiddling with the bottom of my t-shirt.

“So you wanted me?” he teases, turning around to face me as I nod, feeling the heat rush to my face. I hate how shy I get around them sometimes, as I am not a shy person. I feel his hand cup my face, causing me to jump lightly as I hadn’t realised he had crossed the room to me. “You know Hongjoong won’t be back until like 3am. So we have this room to ourselves for a few hours.” His hands gently tilt my head to look up at him. He has that devilish look on his face, the same one he has had on his face for the past 3 weeks on stage. The one that has caused me to need to stop watching him and the others because of the effect they’ve all been having on me. “And there is also no one else in the apartment, either.”

“Hwa!” I blush as he pushes my hair behind my ear and puts his head beside it.

“I saw how you watched us earlier.” His voice is low and I can feel his breath on my ear. “When we were on stage.” His hands move lower. “The way you slightly bit your lower lip, your thighs rubbing together subtly.” His hand slides into my pyjama bottoms. “And now here you are, in my bedroom....” his fingertips slip past the waistband of my underwear and I cannot help the small moan that escapes my mouth as his fingers glide through my wet folds. “…and ready for me.” There is no denying how extremely turned on I am now. “So, my darling, just tell me what you want and I’ll give you it.”

“You.” I whimper as I feel his fingertip slide in and circle my clit lightly

“I didn’t quite hear that.” He teases, pulling his finger out.

“You.” I say louder. “I want you, Hwa.”

“I love it when you call me Hwa.” He says, his voice low before he captures my lips.

He catches me off guard, causing me to step backwards, but I recover quickly, kiss him back hard and wrap my arms around his shoulders as he removes his hand out of my pyjamas and tugging down on the waistband. He pulls them off along with my underwear and lifts me up. Instinctively, my legs wrap around his waist as he moves over to the desk in the room’s corner. He places me on it and continues to kiss me, his tongue massaging against mine.

My hands move from his shoulders to the bottom of his t-shirt, tugging at it, and our lips separate as I quickly pull it over his head and throw it on the floor beside us. “Tell me again who you want.” he presses his forehead against mine as I feel his fingers slide into my folds once more.

“I want you.” I moan lightly. My hands hold on to his shoulders to steady myself.

“I can’t hear you.” His voice is laced with desire.

“You Hwa! I want you! Please!” I beg loudly

“I am all yours.” he smirks before dropping to his knees. He swiftly throws my legs over his shoulders and kisses my inner thighs. My fingers thread through his hair as he opens my legs further. His kisses stop and he places his hands softly on my thighs.

I look down to see why he’s stopped and I see him looking at the bruises from my night with Mingi. Although they were in the early stages of fading, it was still clear imprints of the fingerprints he had left on me from holding onto my thighs and hips so hard. Seonghwas hands touch over them delicately, examining them closely with his eyes. I open my mouth to say that I am ok but stop when he smirks up at me. “This is really sexy!” I can’t help but smile back at him.

He continues to kiss my thighs, his hands moving under my knees to push my legs back, opening me more. My eyes close as his mouth moves higher.

“Oh, fuck…” I moan as his tongue flicks against my clit, my fingers tighten in his hair.

From the start, he is relentless. His tongue moves quickly, licking and sucking at my clit. Instantly, my back arches from the pleasure and I nearly fall backwards. One of my hands falls from his head and I place it surface behind me to keep my balance. Within minutes I can feel myself becoming undone, my fingers tighten in his hair as his mouth ravishes me. I bite my lip to muffle the noises coming from me, but he stops what he is doing.

“You better not be holding back!” He says. “We are home alone.”

“Someone might come home, though.” I whine in a little annoyance that he has stopped when I was so close.

“They won’t.” He smirks, coming back up to kiss me and I feel him put a finger inside me. “Let’s take advantage of this rare moment where we don’t need to be quiet.” His lips capture mine once more as he slides another one in. He continues to kiss me deeply as he curls them to hit my spot with each thrust, causing me to moan into the kiss and my body to jerk against him. “Now let me get back to making you feel even better than you are already feeling.”

He goes back down to his knees again and wastes no time in putting his tongue on me as his fingers continue to thrust inside of me. This time, I don’t hold back, allowing whatever weird noises want to come out of me and just let myself feel good. The feeling of both his fingers inside me and his tongue against my clit has me on the edge again.

“Hwa…. I am going to come!” I moan.

“That is my intention, darling.” he says, his voice laced with smugness

His movements increase. He sucks harshly on my clit, and within seconds, I am coming. As my legs try to close instinctively, he pulls his fingers out of me and holds my legs open further as he continues to eat me out at a fast pace.

“S-seonghwa!” I moan loudly, my fingers tugging on his hair harshly

He groans into me as his hands grip onto my thighs tighter, pushing my legs further apart. I am struggling to keep myself upright as the arm supporting my weight gives out. I am thankful the space behind me is clear as I fall backwards, the back of my head resting on the wall now. Seonghwa is not letting up either, his tongue pushing inside of me now as he continues to groan loudly, making a second orgasm hit harder than the first.

“T-too much!” I pant as his mouth moves faster against me, which I didn’t think was humanly possible.

“And yet you are still grinding against my face like you want more!” He says, pulling his mouth off me. He is right. It is as if my body craves more of him despite it being over sensitive. “Give me one more orgasm and then I’ll let you rest.”

“I need you inside me now.” I whine lightly. “Please, Hwa! I want your dick inside me!” I have never in my life begged so shamefully like this! He suddenly stands up, putting his hands on either side of my neck, his lips so close to mine that I can feel his hot breath.

“You want my dick?” he asks, his lips ghost over mine. “Want me to fuck you?” I nod desperately. “Such a needy girl!” I lean forward to kiss him, but he pulls his head back.

“Seonghwa!” I pout as he laughs. I lean forward again, but he pulls back, laughing even more. “Stop it!!” I laugh too.

“You are so fucking cute when you get annoyed!” he grins at me before kissing me and lifting me up once more. He carries me over to his bed and puts me on it. I watch as he shoves his clean washing on the floor and pulls his sweats down.

“Wow, has THE Park Seonghwa just made a mess?” I giggle as he takes a condom from his bedside drawer. “Throwing his clean clothes on the floor?”

“I washed the floor this morning and used the roller on it then hoovered when I got home so I know for a fact that floor is not dirty.” he laughs in reply

“I didn’t say your floor is dirty!” I say, smirking at him. “I simply said that you made a mess of the very tidy floor.”

“Luna, do you want me to fuck you or do you want me to start cleaning?” he asks, getting on the bed and pulling my legs harshly towards him so I slide down the bed. “Because you know I will do it! And once I start, I won’t stop!”

“Fucking or cleaning?” I ask back as I watch him put the condom on.

“You are being a bit of a brat tonight!” he states, leaning down on top of me, his face close to mine. His facial expression is unreadable to me. I can’t see what he is thinking and for a second, I think I have actually pissed him off with my banter until his mouth curls into a smirk. “Now, are you going to be a good girl and let me fuck you?” I nod as he kisses me before leaning back.

His hands push my t-shirt up and over my head, throwing it onto the floor with the rest of the clothes. We are both naked now and he is looking down at my body with dark, lust-filled eyes. “So pretty.” he says as his hands run down my body and move under my knees. He pushes them together and up towards my chest, leaning forward, trapping my legs between our bodies. I feel him push himself inside of me in one swift movement and immediately thrusts in and out. He gives me no time to adjust to him being inside, but it feels good from the start. The noises coming from him are deep and almost feral. It is turning me on even more. “You feel so fucking good.”

With each thrust, he is going harder and faster. My head is becoming clouded and my toes are going numb as my body shakes with the pleasure he is giving me. His eyes are closed and I can see he is completely lost in the moment. I try to hold on to his arms, but it is like my body has no strength and my hands just keep falling down. My entire body feels weak as he thrusts sharply into me. Every movement is hitting my g-spot with perfect precision and with the combination of how fast he is thrusting into me and the way my legs are folded between our bodies, unable to move I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed too and I try to speak, but nothing is coming out. Everything feels too intense.

“Are you still with me?” he asks softly, slowing his movements down

“My… head… feels fuzzy.” I mumble in reply as he gently puts my legs down onto the bed on either side of his hips and leans down on top of me, his elbows supporting his weight.

“Do you want me to stop?” His hips stilling.

“No! Please don’t stop!” I attempt to grasp onto him as I feel him move back from me. “Don’t leave!”

“Hey, it is ok! I have you, my darling. I won’t leave you.” he whispers soothingly, kissing my lips. “I won’t stop, but I am going to slow down, though.” I feel his hips move again, but slower than before. “Is this ok?” I nod my head. “Am I being too rough?” He asks.

“No.” I shake my head. “You aren’t being rough.” My voice is slightly shaky and I am praying he doesn’t notice it.

“I never want to hurt you.” He says. “Or get carried away, and it causes you any pain or discomfort.”

“You never could.” I can hold on to his face now that my body is relaxing again. “You were actually making me feel really good. It was just intense and I… I am still not used to feeling this… good during actual sex.” I can feel my entire face heat up in slight embarrassment at this.

“I understand.” He says so soothingly it is almost a whisper. I look up at him and see him looking down at me with the softest look. “While I am glad that I can make you feel good during it, I don’t want to you to feel overwhelmed like that.” I pull his lips towards mine and kiss him again. He is still slowly and gently thrusting into me. I can feel my orgasm building again, so I move my hips to match his movements as our kisses become needy. I pull my legs higher around his waist, causing a slight change in the angle of his thrusts. My walls clench around him, causing him to groan loudly into my mouth. “Fuck Luna!”

“Feels good.” I whimper as his forehead touches mine. “G-go faster please, baby!”

“Are you sure?” He asks, staring deeply into my eyes as I nod in reply. “If it gets too intense again, let me know.”

I move my left hand to his waist and hold on to him, as his hips increases in speed, but I can feel him holding back. My right hand is still on his cheek. I tilt his head so his lips meet mine. He starts to move faster, grunts and groans being passed from his mouth to mine as he lets himself go once more.

“Hwa, you are making me feel good!” I moan, my body moving with him.

“I’m so close, baby.” he mumbles as I clench around him again. I muster up all the strength I can get to push him to roll over. Thankfully, he takes the hint, holding onto me as he rolls onto his back, and I am lying on top of him now. My knees are on the bedding, on either side of his hips as I start to move against him. One of his hands holds onto my ass tightly as the other gathers my hair into a ponytail, and he pulls my head down to his. His kisses are frantic from the start, and I can feel how close he is. With every back-and-forth movement, I am getting closer to my own release. I can feel it just there but I can’t reach it.

Seonghwas groans are becoming louder as his hand in my hair tightens and his hips move, matching my pace. I pull my lips away from his and look into his eyes.

“What can I do to help you come darling?” he asks

“I.. need to sit up.” I reply, pushing myself upright. His hands instantly move to my hips to help steady me as I settle down on him. I let out an unstable breathe as my body shakes a little at how much deeper he is inside of me.

“Are you ok?” he asks me

“I am… the angle is deeper. It is good, though.” I place my hands on top of his that are still holding my hips as I begin to move again. The new angle is hitting me perfectly and I can feel my release approaching again. “Shit, Hwa that’s it!”

“Oh.. fuck!” he groans, his head falling back onto the bed. His hands suddenly move underneath mine, flipping over so our fingers intertwine. “You are taking me so well! I am gonna come!”

I can use the leverage of his hands holding mine to steady myself better and I get into a good rhythm. The noises Seonghwa is making are so deep and loud. We are both being loud now.

As I feel myself start to come, my fingers tighten in his hands and I lean down, pushing our hands so they are flat against the bed above his head. I press my lips against his as I keep moving on top of him. Lewd noises spilling from us both as he comes at the same time as my high finally hits hard. My head falls into his neck as I try to regain my breath. We are both panting so hard as our bodies come down from our joint highs. I let go of his hands and run my fingertips through his sweat soaked hair.

“You are amazing!” He sighs, his hand caressing my lower back.

“So are you, baby.” I reply, kissing lightly at his neck. I can taste the sweetness of the sweat on his skin on my lips as I continue to kiss him and he makes contented sighs.

The room is silent, as I stay laying on top of him, my face buried happily into his neck. We stay like this for a while, just enjoying the comfortable silence and being close to one another.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” he finally says, sitting upright while holding onto my waist. He lifts me out of the bed so easily and takes me into his bathroom. It is my first time seeing it and it’s massive. 2 sinks, a walk-in shower and a separate bathtub.

“You guys have a bath in here?!” I ask when I see it

“Well, I was going to put you into the shower but seeing how big your eyes just got, I am definitely making you a bubble bath!” he chuckles, sitting me on one of the worktops. He pulls off the used condom, tying it and throwing it in the little bin before lifting his black bath robe from the hanger on the wall and wraps it around me “Don’t want you getting cold.” he smiles, tying it around my waist before kissing me. “You look so tiny wearing this.” He chuckles, he affectionately rubs his nose against mine and pecks my lips again.

I watch as he starts the bath. He opens a box that has a lot of different bath bombs in it, asking me to pick one. I pick up a pink one and smell it. It smells of cherries and I instantly like it. “That one is my favourite.” He smiles

“I’ll pick another one then.” I say, but he takes it from my hand and drops it into the running water before I can say anything. “Seonghwa! Why did you do that? It’s your favourite!”

“Because I could see you liked it.” He replies, his hands cup my cheeks. He places a series of kisses on my lips as I smile widely. “I’ll let you use the toilet. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He kisses the top of my head. He leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind himself and I stand up. I am thankful he’s given me the privacy to use the toilet, as I was desperate for a pee!

After I’ve used it, I wash my hands before leaning over the bathtub to smell the amazing scent coming from the water. The water has turned a beautiful shade of pink and it makes me smile as I dip my hand into it, checking the temperature. It is perfectly hot. It is has been so long since I had an actual bath as my old apartment only had a small basic shower and I am looking forward to this. I hear a knock at the door and see him peek his head in before he walks in. He has put on a pair of boxers but is still topless and as he comes over to turn off the water; I notice a small red mark on his neck, near his collarbone.

“What is it?” He asks as he sees me staring

“Don’t freak out but I.. I think I may have… given you a love bite.” I say nervously, motioning to his neck. He turns around to look in the mirror and touches the mark. “Sorry, I didn’t even notice I did that!” It must have been when I was kissing his neck after we had finished and still in that post sex haze.

“Do not apologise, I love it!” He grins, turning back to hug me. “My little vampire!”

“You aren’t mad?” I ask, looking at him as he shakes his head.

“Absolutely not!” He replies, kissing me. “Now get into the bath before it gets cold!”

Seonghwa helps to take the robe off me and I feel cold, as it was so warm and comfortable. He holds my hand as I step into the bath. As soon as I sit down in the hot water, I feel my body instantly relax. “You aren’t going to join me?” I ask him as he sits on the floor beside the tub.

“Do you want me to?” he asks back, a faint hint of a smirk on his face

“You have made me the most perfect bubble bath, and I want to enjoy it with you, my boyfriend.” I say, reaching out to hold his hand. The little smirk instantly drops, and he smiles so softly at me. “So please, join me!” He presses the back of my hand against his lips and nuzzles his cheek into it.

“You know I cannot say no to you ever.” He whispers, standing up. I lean forward to make room for him behind me as he takes off his boxers and climbs in. He settles in behind me and I lay back against him. His hands wrap around my body. I feel instantly serene in his arms. The smell of the bubble bath, the warmth of his skin and his hands on me.

“These look fresh.” He says, his fingers tracing the bruises on my thighs. “I am not prying, just wanting to check you are ok.”

“I am absolutely fine. Mingi didn’t hurt me at all. He didn’t even know, to be honest, and I didn’t let him see them the following morning in case he thought he had.” I suddenly realise I’ve said Mingis name. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have told you that!” I add quickly, my heart suddenly racing. “Please don’t tell him!!” I sit upright.

“It is ok!” He says quickly pulling me back into his arms. “It’s ok.” He soothes kissing my temple

“You said one rule was not talking about what we did, though.” I say.

“That is mainly between the guys, so you don’t think we are talking about you behind your back. You are free to talk about whatever you want to with us, though. Only if you feel comfortable enough. The guys and I agreed in advance it was ok if you wanted to talk about anything with us. We are all in this relationship together.” He says, one of his hands rubbing comforting circles on my stomach, the other resting under my breasts. “You don’t need to worry about that or feel you can’t talk to us either.”

“Makes sense.” I nod slightly. “Mingi wasn’t being rough with me or hurting me. I bruise really easily, so I usually have one somewhere on my body, anyway.” I turn my head to look at him again. “Plus, I kinda like sex bruises, too. So I don’t mind them.”

“You are definitely a kinky little thing, aren’t you?” He laughs, kissing me.

“You know, I will definitely have more tomorrow from you.” I say to him. “You were holding onto my legs pretty hard earlier on.”

“As long as you aren’t hurting from them.” he replies

“Only in a good way.” I smirk at him before letting out a small laugh.

“You really are kinky.” he laughs again. “You are going to keep us all on our toes.” He adds softly into my ear.

I rest my hands on his knees as we continue to relax in the warm water. The scent of the bath bomb is comforting for us both. The closeness and intimacy of having a bath together is making me feel happy.

“Are you looking forward to going home tomorrow?” I ask him.

“I am. It’s been a while since I saw my family.” he replies.

“What do you normally do when you go back home?” His hand under my breast soothingly cups one of my breasts. There is nothing sexual behind it at all.

“Our house is in the country, middle of nowhere. There isn’t a lot to do like here in Seoul. It is quiet and peaceful. We go on walks. My dad usually fires up the fire pit at night time and we just sit around, toasting marshmallows and talking. I love it.” he answers, kissing my temple as I smile at the thought of it. He deserves this break so much to rest and be happy. “You must be looking forward to your family arriving on Tuesday.”

“I cannot wait to see them!” I smile as my fingers rub the skin on his knees on either side of me. “The girls are going to be so big! Are you nervous about meeting my parents?”

“A little. I know you told me your dad will put on his scary army face, but that he isn’t scary. However, I am still nervous. I’ve never met a girlfriend’s parents before.” he says.

“You don’t have to be nervous. My dad has already told me he likes you, so there is a chance of no scary army face. If he does, my mom will reign him in! She wears the pants in that relationship. He does whatever she says.” I laugh. “So don’t be nervous. The plan is on Thursday to have a nice, quiet, relaxed, home cooked meal at the apartment they’ve rented. No pressure.”

“Will the twins be there too?” he asks, his head resting against mine as I lean back further into him

“No, they’ll be staying the night with my Uncle Jihoon and Aunt Soomin. So it will just be the 4 of us. Like I said, no pressure.” I answer.

Truth be told, I am feeling rather nervous myself. With my mom knowing me inside and out, I am worried she’ll know there is something more to my relationship with Seonghwa. I can only pray that on Thursday night we look like any other normal, regular boyfriend and girlfriend, and that my mom suspects nothing. I feel Seonghwa place a kiss on the side of my head, pulling me from my worried thoughts, and I smile. I don’t want to worry anymore, I just want to enjoy this precious alone time with Seonghwa.

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ros3ybabes · 11 months

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Things I Currently Do For Better Health 🎀

Hi lovelies 💗

I try to live my life in alignment with my values, the biggest value being improved quality of life. I like to think I've included a lot of different things into my life to improve overall quality of health and life. So here's a list of things I do that help me with consistent improved health!

*I do not do these things every single day/every single week! Sometimes life happens, as I am a full time employee and a full time college student, so there are times I am too busy or too tired for some things. However, these are things I like to work really hard to consistently implement in my life <3

🩷 Mental (Intelect) Health -

Reading at least 1 chapter of a book, typically self help or productivity focused

Studying a 2nd language! Currently focusing on Japanese but contemplating adding in Spanish as a secondary focus

Consuming informative content! I love podcasts, and I really like watching Ted talks! And of course, the books I read tend to be more non-fiction, just from personal preference

Academics! Keeping up with my school work and academic life keeps me well informed. I'm always learning something new in my classes! I also personally enjoy studying, I lowkey love academic validation!

🩷 Mental (Emotional) Health -

Journaling! I try to follow a guided journal as often throughout the week as I can and I try to do some writing in my normal journal every so often, but honestly I've been a little too busy for journaling

Therapy! I know not everyone has access to a therapist, but I absolutely love being able to talk to a mental health professional at least once a week. My therapist has been the greatest help, especially as things have gotten more stressful in my life.

Rest! It's really important for me to have down time and not feel guilty about taking some rest time for myself. I always make sure I'm in a position to take rest without compromising school work or anything, but I try to have some time during the week where I can just lay in bed and do nothing for a while.

Meditation! This is one I'm still trying to implement, but I used to meditate for 5 to 10 minutes in the morning and it always gave me some mental clarity and ease of kind for the day. Definitely want to pick it back up!

Yoga! So good for mindfulness, finding stillness and relaxation, and overall ease of my being in general. It's like a super peaceful flowy version of stretching, and I'm adding this back into my routine slowly.

🩷 Physical Health -

Exercise! I try to get in movement daily. Some days that's lifting weights in the gym or doing some moderate cardio on the treadmill, and other days that means light cardio from everyday tasks or some mindful stretching and yoga to relax my body after a long day

Sleep! I try to get 6 to 8 hours a night at minimum otherwise I tend to over do the caffiene which only hurts me in the long run. Quality sleep is important for me, it helps me regulate my mood, my energy levels, and my appetite and cravings! The worse and less sleep I get, the crankier and hungrier I tend to be

Nutrition and Hydration! I do not believe in restricting foods, I believe in healthy moderation and healthy substitution. I try to eat a decent amount of protein and fiber, while not restricting or feeling guilt on days I eat a little higher fats or carbs. Balance is key! And water is so important!! It helps my skin, my energy, my hunger signals, everything!

Skincare!! I feel so amazing after a full skincare routine. My morning routine is simple for now, but there's nothing like a good skincare routine to make me feel my best and most confident.

🩷 Miscellaneous-

regular doctor appointments! eye exams, general physician checkups, mental health appointments, dental, all of it! you'll never know what aspect of your health needs some work if you don't keep an eye on it! I look forward to all my appointments as it always gives me insight into my health that I otherwise wouldn't know.

Balance! I work full time, 5 days a week. I go to classes in person 4 days a week plus two online classes for a total of almost 18 credit hours. I'm stressing about finances, insurance, future classes, and my current grades. Therefore, I make sure to find time for the gym, for my skincare routine, for my therapy appointments, and for quality sleep. If I let any aspect of my self care and health slide, I'd be a spiraling mess, and I can't afford to do that to myself, nor do I want to. I deserve self care and rest and good days, and I always like to play an active part in having a good day for myself! Balance is key!

That's all for now, lovelies. My greatest value in my personal life in regards to myself is a high quality of life and I want to ensure I get that! I love working on my health and taking care of myself. I love keeping myself healthy and happy and functioning. We all deserve good health, happiness, and positive days!

til next time, lovelies 💗

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fruitcoops · 2 years

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Falling for Forever

Two for two on deadlines, baby! Ignore the fact that it’s been 11 months. This fic put me through the absolute wringer and now I get to stand on it and witch-cackle in victory. Almost 11k words of physical, mental, emotional, and...all those other types of healing. Bon appetit, babes! Character credit goes to @lumosinlove, to whom I owe my heart and soul for building this universe.

TW for past injury/ memory loss, working through trauma

Part One: What You Have, What You Hate (the amnesia fic)

Part Two: Sirius Love Yourself and Remus Get Therapy, Electric Boogaloo

It just wasn’t fair.

Sirius was fine. Honestly, genuinely, from the bottom of his heart—he was fine. Sure, some days his head hurt more than others. Sometimes he’d wonder where he put his phone when it was still in his hand, or enter a room and forget why he went there in the first place, but those weren’t new occurrences. He could walk and talk and remember just about everything from his life, with the notable exception of the ten minutes before the hit.

But Remus hadn’t slept properly in days, and Coach wouldn’t let him back out on the ice, and the whole damn thing just reeked of pity he didn’t want. Pity he didn’t need.

Remus’ hands flickered over him, tucking and retucking the sheets until Sirius caught his wrists and pressed a kiss to each pulse point. His broad shoulders sagged. “I’m being a bother again, aren’t I,” Remus muttered. He shook his head without waiting for a response. “Fuck, I am, I’m sorry.”

“You’re not being a bother.”

“No, I totally am—”

“You’re not,” Sirius repeated. The shadows under Remus’ eyes lightened every day, but still lingered. He looked threadbare, his voice thin, like someone had taken an eraser to his edges. He held Sirius tighter at night than he ever had before. The worried crease between his brows smoothed when Sirius pulled him down to sit on the mattress with a small smile. “Lay down, I’m cold.”

Tension had been holding Remus up like a second skeleton for days now, ever since they had been discharged from the hospital and promptly collapsed into bed for ten hours. Sirius had only seen it release him in deep sleep—a fleeting event at best. It was like the hospital had followed them home and seeped into the walls, staining Remus’ vision until they were right back where they started.

Remus turned out the lamp and curled into his usual spot against Sirius’ chest, shuffling around until he was comfortable; Sirius splayed a hand between his shoulder blades and tucked his nose into soft curls. Of all the aftershocks he had prepared himself for, the fatigue had snuck up on them both. “Bonne nuit, mon coeur,” he whispered.

“Night, baby.” Lips brushed the peak of Sirius’ cheek before Remus snuggled up once more.

Kiss me, and I’ll know, Sirius had said into the inch of space between them on a paper-thin hospital pillow. And Remus had, because he was made of everything light and good and kind in the world. It had been six days since they came home; two weeks since the hit. That remained the only time Remus had kissed him on the mouth. Sirius closed his eyes against the ache in his chest and readied himself to try and rest.

That first night home had been distilled bliss. They showered together—showered, dear god how Sirius had missed that—and Remus had washed his hair and the spots he couldn’t reach with reverent hands. They were both so, so tired from the endless discharge paperwork and so, so silently afraid to step away from each other for more than a few seconds. Remus was shaky, but happy. Contented. Solid in Sirius’ arms when they finally laid in their own bed after days upon days. They spooned the whole night and into the morning, neither budging an inch.

“We should eat,” Remus had sighed when the sun was finally too high to ignore. His hand moved in slow strokes, tracing from Sirius’ hand to his elbow and back again, just to touch. The intimacy of the movement settled something deep inside them both if his drowsy smile was anything to go by.

They stayed in bed for another hour in comfortable silence before their empty stomachs won out. Even in the kitchen, Sirius had hugged Remus from behind with his chin propped on a well-muscled shoulder to watch him cook. “Mon coeur,” he murmured into the shirt that had once been his. The smell of the hospital was long gone and the fabric was soft. “Mon loup, mon amour.”

He had trailed his mouth along the curve of Remus’ neck and held him close. The frayed edges began to ease.

The routine came easily. Nothing else did, so Sirius had to be a little grateful for it. They left social media to its conspiring and only spoke to family, face-to-face on the doctor’s orders. Leo meal-prepped like a madman; they could hardly keep Dumo out of the house; Lily brought Harry over in an obvious ploy to distract Sirius while their husbands fixed the leaky faucet, though he wasn’t offended by their caution. If it were James on the injured list, he would have swaddled him in bubble wrap at the first opportunity.

“Hey.” A kiss feathered Sirius’ temple and he looked up from his crossword, blinking back the memories. Remus perched on the table with a smile he couldn’t help but mirror, clad in a sweater that brought out the hearth-warm brown in his eyes.

“Bonjour,” he managed, a little breathless.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

“Really?” The doctors’ definition of his permitted ‘minimal exercise’ amounted to literally walking up and down the stairs—even a wander around the block was pushing his luck. Sirius had tried extraordinarily hard not to be jealous when Remus took Hattie out every few hours so she didn’t destroy their couch pillows with excess bursts of energy, but it felt like he was a toddler in time-out. “A real walk?”

“A real walk,” Remus confirmed. He ran his fingers through the hair above Sirius’ ears and Sirius nuzzled into it with a kiss to his palm. That touch had kept him grounded at his lowest point. He knew better than to take it for granted, now.

“What about a run?” he asked, cracking a grin at the eye-roll it earned him.

And Remus laughed. The sound sent butterflies careening through his stomach; it hadn’t been absent since his fall, but it had been…well, a little rare, if he was being honest. More rare than his mostly-reliable memory told him it should be. Remus was joy incarnate, but he had been so tired lately. It was good to see him shine again, even for a moment.

Sirius pulled him in by the sleeve and kissed the corner of his mouth, tasting the last bits of humor that lingered there. Not the lips. Not until Remus was ready. “I love you.”

Remus turned until their foreheads rested together and their noses bumped. He was smiling softly. “Love you, too.”

“Baby?”

Sirius made a noise of acknowledgement, but didn’t budge. His hands were warm in his pockets, and the sun was hot on his windburned face. Hattie’s collar jingled; he smiled when her nose pushed into his thigh and Remus’ arm looped through his own. “Hey. Good run?”

“That hydrangea was a real threat to our safety.”

Sirius grinned and opened his eyes to kiss the top of Remus’ head. Fresh air seeped into his blood, replacing the stale sludge he had been dragging around all week. Finally, he felt human. “I’m sure it was.”

“Excuse me?”

They both startled, stepping apart. “Yes?” Remus said, his tone curious but a little tense. “Can we help you?”

A young man shifted from foot to foot, as if he couldn’t quite believe they had acknowledged him. It seemed whatever (certainly invasive) question he was going to ask had become stuck in his throat. Sirius arched a brow and saw him swallow hard. “Are you—are you okay?” the young man finally got out.

There it is. Sirius forced a smile and knew it came out tight by the sudden regret on the other man’s face. “I’m fine, thank you.”

“You’re sure?”

I’d be a lot more sure if you fucked off and let me enjoy my walk. “Very sure,” he promised.

The young man’s dark eyes flickered between them before settling on Sirius’ forehead. His beanie covered the small bandage, but that didn’t seem to dissuade him from staring. “You were in the hospital for, like…a while.”

“Just a few days,” Remus assured him. Sirius felt a light squeeze on his hand and returned it in a silent request; a gust of wind snuck down the back of his coat and raised goosebumps along his arms.

“Will you play at the next game?”

Sirius exhaled slowly through his nose as something bitter crawled up and stained his teeth. “We’re waiting on the go-ahead from the doctors,” Remus said placatingly. “Better safe than sorry. Thanks for your concern, though. Enjoy the weather.”

They were walking before the man could open his mouth again—Remus’ knuckles were white on Hattie’s leash and she had to trot to keep up with them, her fluffy tail bobbing happily. Sirius ground his back teeth so hard they squeaked. “Remus—”

“Don’t,” Remus murmured, clear and clipped. “Don’t go there, baby, it’s not worth it.”

“I need to play.” He did. He needed to play. He needed to not sit at home for another week, two weeks, a month, and pretend he was alright with it. Six days were manageable. Six more would send him over the edge. If he had to spend another beautiful afternoon cooped up in the house...

“You’ll play when you’re ready.”

“I am ready.”

Remus stopped cold, jostling both him and Hattie. He took a fortifying breath, mouth pressed into an unhappy line. “Please don’t do that,” he said quietly. “Sirius, just—don’t. You know I hate being the bad guy with this kind of thing.”

Sirius looked away. He did know that. He had seen how miserable Remus was when he had to bully Sirius into doing his exercises when his ribs were broken, how it had killed him when Sirius couldn’t put his fatal fucking pride aside for two seconds to heal. Guilt made his stomach squirm. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “But I—I need to play.”

“I know.” Remus’ eyes found his own then, gloved hands wrapping around Sirius’ wrists with something like desperation. “Believe me, I get it and I’m sorry and this has got to be the worst feeling. But this is different than your ribs, okay? We can’t afford to backslide. This isn’t some sort of—fucking punishment, I promise.”

God, he hated spoiling perfectly nice days because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. His winter clothes made his skin prickle. “I feel fine, Re.”

“But you’re not.” Remus turned Sirius’ face back with a touch to his jaw and he went willingly, even though he wanted to see anything but the hurt in Remus’ eyes. Since when was he so terrible at listening? “Not yet. We’ll start here and work our way up. I won’t talk to the press about it after games. You don’t owe people like him a thing. Don’t make this harder for yourself by letting them get under your skin.”

Sirius took a deep breath. The steam of his exhale clouded the curls spilling out from under Remus’ hat. He had known this would happen the second someone asked about his health—it was his rookie season all over again, shooting pucks in the basement because he didn’t know what else to do. Remus deserved better than what Sirius had done to himself. “Let’s do another loop around the park.”

Remus had cried the third night. The days were easy; they could cuddle and cook and Remus would read to him while he napped, still drained from a week of hospitalization. They could watch one TV episode every evening and got permission to throw their diet plans out the window to enjoy some treats in celebration.

At two o’clock in the morning, Remus had bolted upright in bed and shaken Sirius awake, rattling off an endless stream of questions that Sirius couldn’t respond to. Not because he didn’t know the answers, but because he had been unconscious about four seconds prior and was still technically concussed.

“Non,” he had mumbled, grappling against waking and batting sleepily at the thing holding his shoulders.

A strangled sob had answered and Remus’ touch disappeared like he was touching hot coals. By the time Sirius registered enough of the world to attempt reassurance, all he could do was hold Remus and silently curse himself. Do you know me? Remus had asked. Sirius had given him the one wrong answer. Done the one wrong movement.

It was three o’clock when Remus finally let sleep take him again, slumping into Sirius’ side with tears drying on his face. Sirius laid them down and watched light play over the ceiling from the street. When Remus woke again at nine, he didn’t say a word about the nightmare, just turned into the hollow of Sirius’ neck and let his hand rest above his heart. Though Remus slept fitfully over the following nights, he hadn’t cried again.

They were working on it.

“Out.”

“But I—”

“Out,” Leo repeated, making a shooing motion with his spatula. Sirius muttered something under his breath and trekked back into the living room with a last kiss to his husband’s cheek, working up a scowl like he was getting paid for it.

“Impressive,” Remus remarked around a mouthful of chips from his seat on the counter; his gaze lingered on Sirius’ retreating back while Leo poured sauce over the stuffed pasta and popped the whole pan in the oven.

Leo set a timer, wiped his hands on his pants, then cast one more look out the kitchen door to make sure their respective boys were out of sight before turning to Remus with his arms crossed. “What’s up?”

Remus’ chewing slowed. “Just…having chips.”

“Loops.”

“Did you want some?”

Stubborn bastard. Leo pushed himself onto the counter next to Remus and gave him a look his mother would be proud of. “What’s going on? I’m worried about you, man.”

But rather than throwing the chips aside and spilling his heart out—not that Leo was expecting it from Remus ‘Brick Wall’ Lupin, though a guy could dream—Remus closed his eyes and exhaled long and slow. “You are the third person to say that in 24 hours, Knutty. I’m good. If I wasn’t, I would talk to someone about it.”

“See, if you had ever done that even once in your life, I would believe you.”

“I’m doing great,” Remus insisted. Leo wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. “Sirius is home, he’s healing, he’s making progress, we’re fine.”

The distant look in his eyes was gone, but something in his face was still too heavy. Leo hadn’t heard him crack a joke or seen a real smile all day. He chewed the inside of his lip and raised his eyebrows, and watched Remus’ resolve crumble. “I didn’t ask about Sirius, Re,” he said. “I asked about you.”

“I’m not the one who had amnesia.”

“No, you’re the one whose husband had amnesia, and that’s pretty fucking traumatic.” Remus shoved another handful of chips into his mouth with an unhappy crunch; Leo hesitated for a moment, then shuffled closer until their sides touched. Remus tensed. “I’m not trying to push you, but I need you to know that I’m here and I want to talk when you’re ready. I can’t imagine how hard the last couple weeks have been.”

He had tried, the night he went to get Regulus. Every part of him felt full of pure energy—every red light had made him twitchy as the events of the day replayed in his head on constant loop. But picturing himself in Remus’ shoes, and Finn or Logan shoving him away from their bedside with a stay the hell away from me or that fragile, frightened confusion...that had taken the wind right out of his sails. He nearly turned around to go home then and there.

“It sucks.” Remus didn’t look away from the oven timer. “That’s kind of all there is to it, you know? It happened. It sucks. We’re working on it.”

Leo nudged him, just a little. A single crack in Remus’ careful walls was progress. “It does suck,” he agreed. “Have you been alone yet?”

“I mean, yeah, you guys are the first visitors in a couple—”

“Have you been alone yet?” Leo repeated.

Remus was quiet for a few seconds, then swallowed hard. “I fixed the faucet with James, but I can’t…I can’t. I don’t think either of us can right now.”

“Okay.”

Remus’ eyes flickered up to him. “Okay?”

“I’m not a therapist.” Leo shrugged one shoulder and tried for a smile. “I’m your friend. Yes, I’m worried, but I’m not going to force you to do shit right now. I’m going to make dinner for you and a cake and then you’re going to tell me what you need a hand with so you can focus on dealing with this instead of, like, cleaning your windows.”

The kitchen was starting to smell like manicotti, cheesy and warm and full of tomato. Remus set the chips down and tucked his hands under his legs with a shake of his head. Ever so slightly, he leaned into Leo. Success. “I wish this never happened.”

Leo sighed. “Me, too.”

“I wish I had caught him in time.”

“I was closer than you were.” The guilt had been so raw at first, but it was scabbing over. Dwelling on the past wouldn’t fix the present. “Are you mad at me?”

“Fuck, no.”

“There was nothing we could’ve done fast enough, Re.”

Remus scrubbed his hands down his face, then linked them at the back of his neck. “I need to talk to Heather.”

Relief crashed over Leo in a tidal wave; he took Remus by the shoulders and pulled him in for a brief, fierce hug that drew an ‘ope’ of surprise out of him. “I really didn’t want to bring it up but yes, you do, and I will drive you there myself if you want.”

Remus laughed weakly, but didn’t try to pull away. “Is it bad that I want to lay on the floor for at least twelve hours?”

“I might suggest the couch instead, for the sake of your old-man joints.”

“Watch it, Knut.”

“Keep that up and you’re not getting extra sauce.” It was an empty threat and they both knew it, but it was worth it for Remus’ snort of amusement. Leo squeezed him in a quick pulse. “Fuck, dude, I missed you.”

Leo felt some of the iceberg-sized worry slough away at the tentative press of Remus’ hands on his back. In the other room, Logan and Sirius were already laughing. “Will you hide some of the manicotti so I can reheat it later?” Remus mumbled.

“There’s a whole pan in the back of the fridge behind your gross coconut water.”

“The kind Sirius hates?”

“Pre-cisely.”

“You’re a godsend.”

“I get that a lot.”

Lily sipped her tea with the same energy as a wolf watching a lame, juicy rabbit from across a riverbank. When Remus said as much, she cracked a smile. “Just thinking.”

“Huh, there’s a first.”

“Fuck you, too.” He felt a light kick to his shin under the table and feigned injury, just to watch her face scrunch in a snort. “Spoke to the hubs.”

“Yours or mine?”

“The less hot one.”

“And how is Pots today?”

“Looking DILF-ier every minute. That man needs another baby. But actually, Re, I think you and Sirius should talk.”

He raised his brows. “Is that so?”

“Sounds like somebody has been squishing all those gross, nasty feelings back into the little box he just got them out of.”

“Oh, Jesus, it is not that bad—”

He jumped when Lily touched the back of his hand. Something knowing had overtaken the laughter on her face. “Remus, you need to talk to someone.”

“I’m seeing Heather on Thursday.”

“Good.” She set her teacup down and took his hand between both of her own, twisting his ring. “I’m worried about you.”

“Take a number.”

“Can you stop for, like, two seconds and let me try to help? I’m bad at this. Have some mercy.”

Something wriggled with discomfort inside him, but he put his cup on the table. “Lils…”

“Calm down, we’re not here to therapize each other. We’re here to have fun and watch bad TV and you’re going to let me paint your nails later. But—” She held her hand up when he made a face. “But first, I’m going to do my job as your best friend and tell you that some people think the patented Remus Lupin Avoidance Tactic isn’t going to work with this extraordinarily terrible event.”

“What people?”

“You know what people.”

Unfortunately, he did. Sirius, Talker, Leo, Lily…the side effect of a supportive family was having all kinds of people up in his business. Even more unfortunately, they were probably right. “Leo talked to me,” he admitted. “It helped. And I really am going to see Heather, and I’m going to try to—I don’t know, let go a little.”

Lily laced their fingers together the way he had done for her the night she found out about Harry. Her next breath came out less steady. “That means you have to let us take care of you, okay? Even if you’re busy taking care of Sirius. He’s got medical experts to do the heavy lifting. You’ve got Remus experts.”

“Lily, I’m not the injured one,” he said quietly.

“This hurt you, too.” The green of her eyes looked a little misty before she glanced away. “Holy shit, Remus, this hurt all of us, but I don’t ever want to watch you hurt like that again. I love Sirius to death but he’s got stuff to work through that you can’t fix. If you’re so worried about helping, then please let us help you.”

“I can’t ask that.”

“That’s why I’m offering.”

An exhale got stuck in his chest and he coughed lightly; Lily tilted her head back with a sniffle. Christ on a crutch, this whole vulnerability thing is harder than it sounds. “Leo made us dinner the other night. Talker and I are going skating on Saturday. I’m trying.”

“I know,” she said. “I know you are. But if it had been James that fell, and I was the one in your spot, what would you do?”

I wouldn’t leave your side. He started to answer, then faltered. Lily’s mouth turned down at the corner. “Oh, shit,” he said thickly. Across the table, Lily nodded. “Oh—I have been awful to you.”

“No, no, no, I’m not mad.” The pressure of her hands on his own increased, like she was trying to push it into him.

“I’m scared.” His voice wobbled and he blew out a sharp breath. In the blur of his vision, their hands were the same vague lump. How could he be so self-absorbed? How could he push them all away without even knowing it? He opened and closed his mouth. I need help. I need help. It was right there, but all that came out was, “Lily.”

She tugged on his sleeve; in the space between breaths, they were hugging. Her breaths hitched under his hands a few times before calming, and Remus shut his eyes tight and held her closer. I hurt you. I’m sorry. He knew she wouldn’t accept an apology. That didn’t mean he couldn’t think it with all his heart. Somehow, she would hear it.

“All you have to do is let us be there,” she rasped, pulling away to hold him at arms’ length with a light shake. “We want to. You’re scared and that’s fine and nobody is angry with you. Just talk to us. Talk to Sirius.”

He nodded mutely. When Lily brought him close again, he didn’t pretend he needed anything else.

The isolation was what killed him most. They were given no privacy—fuck the media and fuck the inventor of cell phone cameras, motherfuckers the lot of them—and so Sirius saw it all. Everything he didn’t remember. Everything he had tried to forget. Remus, pale and frightened with Sirius’ blood on his fingers. Remus, unable to let go of his hand when the medics pulled Sirius onto the stretcher until James pried him off. Remus, tucked in on himself in the lobby outside Sirius’ room looking like he had been flayed inside out.

So he understood. He got it. The trauma, the pain. What he didn’t understand was why Remus wouldn’t let him in anymore.

It hurt a little (a lot) to hear Remus rustling around and know he wouldn’t get a kiss even if he asked. And when he did ask, his request would be met with a wan smile and a brush of lips to his cheek, chin, forehead, everywhere but his lips. There was love in those touches—he could feel it radiating—but the reckless abandon was gone.

It was like Remus wanted to melt into the walls. It was like he wanted to melt and leave Sirius behind entirely.

God, it was always him, wasn’t it? Always his fault. Everything that went wrong in Sirius’ life would track right back around in an endless circle to the laundry list of wrong decisions. The ache of knowing Remus didn’t want him anymore was constant and painful like a broken ankle, but the absolute fucking terror of being shut out was a killstroke Sirius had never wanted to imagine.

He didn’t like the person he was before Remus. He didn’t want to know what would happen if the frosted front was permanent. How could he be real and solid when the one thing that reminded him he was alright was…

Was not alright. So deeply not alright in every curve and angle of his body. Sirius wasn’t foolish enough to think Remus would willingly talk about his feelings, especially at a time like this, but some silly, devoted part of him had thought Remus would at least try. He had mentioned something similar (if kinder) to Lily over crepes and hot chocolate, and a funny expression had come over her face. She had touched his wrist and smiled, but a troubled shadow remained through the rest of their lunch.

When Remus came home after their day together and said, “I asked for help” before anything else, he knew that shadow had found its mark.

“You did?”

“I did.” Remus took his time with his winter layers, hanging and folding each one with unusual care. “Lily and I had a good talk.”

“That’s—”

“I haven’t been fair to you, and I’m sorry.”

Sirius blinked. Lily, what did you do? “… for what?”

“I’ve been all over the place.” His words were coming just a touch too fast. Remus’ hands were cool on his face, but his lips were warm when he left a kiss on each of Sirius’ cheeks, like he had been biting them again. “I was trying to do too much for you, and I should have backed off. We both needed some space to process.”

“Um. D’accord.” He kissed Remus’ forehead and felt him melt. His shoulders relaxed. His hands came to rest on Sirius’ hips. Sirius left another tentative kiss by his temple; he would take every bit of affection he could get. “Is everything okay?”

“I haven’t been fair to you,” Remus repeated.

“I—no, I heard that part.” Sirius rubbed his back carefully. Remus had grown thinner over the month, though from stress or distraction, he wasn’t sure. The notches of his spine ran in a ladder beneath Sirius’ fingertips as he gathered him closer. Perhaps Lily had succeeded where he had failed. “You’ve done more than I could have asked for, loup.” More than I deserved. Yet Remus wasn’t pulling away from him, wasn’t showing the slightest sign of discomfort under his hands. “I picked up some zucchini. And made a cake.”

Remus made a faint noise of interest where his face was pressed close to Sirius’ collarbone.

“It’s chocolate.”

That got him a pleased mumble.

Sirius risked a kiss to the top of his head and got a happy sigh in return. “Come cook with me. We’ll talk. Tell me about Lily.”

Remus blinked slowly when they parted; the nervous buzz of energy had trickled to a hum. “What about Lily?” he asked. “You just had lunch together.”

Did she tell you I moped about you? “Ouais, but you talk about other things.” He left his hand on the small of Remus’ back as they crossed the short distance to the kitchen and found no protest. Perhaps it was time for a bigger question. “You look better, mon coeur. It seems like she helped.”

Tension twitched against his palm before settling down again. Remus stretched his arms out with a groan, then went for the cutting board drawer. “She did,” he admitted after a moment. “I was—yeah, no, she helped a lot. There was a lot happening in my head that I didn’t have words for.”

“I know the feeling,” Sirius half-laughed, passing him a knife. This was good. This was progress. Before the fall, they cooked together every night. His body knew the motions even if his thoughts were a whirlwind. Remus knocked their temples together lightly. Next step. “Like what?”

“What?”

“What didn’t you have words for?”

Remus shrugged one shoulder and began slicing the stems from the zucchini. “Just…stuff. Oh, you found really good ones.”

“I’m glad.” Sirius watched him work in silence for a few seconds, stirring olive oil in a pan with no heat under it. Remus didn’t appear to notice. “Re?”

“Mmm?”

“Were you angry with me?”

“Oh, god, no.” Remus jerked his head up, his brows pitching. Something in Sirius’ expression must have given him away, because his gaze softened. “I was just scared, I think. It’s been a lot.”

“Tell me about it,” he joked.

But Remus didn’t laugh. His cheeks flushed and he turned back to the zucchini with an uncomfortable cough. Fuck. Remus tugged his lower lip between his teeth, worrying at it in a tic Sirius had been trying so hard to break him of. “I couldn’t help you. At the rink, I mean.” The knife accentuated each word with a clack. “But I could help here, and so I was trying too hard. That’s kind of my—um, that’s kind of my default.”

“Je sais,” Sirius said quietly.

“So, I’m sorry for spiraling into you when other people know how to help better.” Remus let out a shaky laugh. “God, this is hard. I’m trying to be brave about it.”

“You were brave for me.” The words were gentler than expected. The chop-chop-chop of the knife slowed, and stopped. “You stayed in a hospital for three days. You were brave for me.”

A wobbly slice of zucchini fell on the cutting board. There was a slight tremor in Remus’ hand, now. “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“You were brave,” Sirius repeated. He reached out and stopped the knife, folding Remus’ fingers into his own. “I can’t imagine what that was like. Thank you.”

His shoulders shuddered. He still didn’t look up. The tremor had spread to his arms, fine and delicate under his sweater. “I would do it all again.”

“I know.” Remus sniffed at that, pressing his sleeve under his nose as if he could hide it from Sirius. A droplet hit the edge of the cutting board, staining the wood. “Mon loup.”

“For you, I would do it all again.”

“Remus,” he murmured, turning him by the shoulders until he could see Remus’ bottom lip quivering despite the turn of his handsome face. A noise caught in Remus’ throat when Sirius cupped his jaw and brushed the pad of his thumb over one damp cheek. “Re, I need you to talk to me.”

“I can’t do it,” he choked out with a slight shake of his head. “Not without you. I wouldn’t want to.”

And, fuck, if that didn’t just carve at something deep in Sirius’ insides. Remus couldn’t even look at him, his gaze somewhere between the cabinet and the floor, hidden under his too-long hair that was just starting to curl.

His next breath was almost a wheeze. “I can’t do this without you.”

“Yes, you can.” Sirius gave his arms a light squeeze. Remus was strong and solid and more grounded than anyone he knew.

The sniffs came faster, his chest hitching over and over until it became a constant shiver; he swayed forward, hands slipping from Sirius’ elbows to grip the back of his shirt like it was the only thing holding Remus on Earth, his face pressed flush to Sirius’ chest as tears began to soak through it. Sirius caught him. Held him. He tucked his face against the side of Remus’ head and let him leave all that heavy burden in his arms for just a moment longer.

“I could,” Remus admitted, so miserable Sirius had to close his eyes. “Fuck, Sirius, I could, but I would hate every second of it.”

It should be impossible to feel heartbreak for something that never happened. And yet.

Sirius shifted to rest his chin on Remus’ head while sobs turned silent in the sleeve of his shirt. He would give anything to take that pain away. His fame, his money, anything in the world—whatever it took to make sure Remus never had to wonder if he would have to keep going alone. Sirius would be dead before he left him. But he supposed that was exactly what Remus feared most.

“You don’t have to.” He whispered the promise into the soft golden hair above Remus’ ear like the greatest truth. “You don’t have to, I swear. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, and I want you, and I care about you, and I’ll never leave you.”

The big talk could come later. He was more than willing to wait.

Remus woke in the middle of the night to the blankets shifting and a familiar weight absent from his side. Rather than giving in to immediate panic (a far-too-frequent habit, though he hated to admit it), he reached out with a sleep-slurred question and felt around blindly until Sirius’ hand caught him. “I’m here,” Sirius said with a laugh in his voice and a kiss to his wrist. Remus hummed. Of course he was. Sirius had never left him before. “Re?”

“Mhmm?” he managed, slotting himself into Sirius’ side and throwing a leg over his thigh. He was warm and wonderful.

Sirius was quiet for a bit, idly toying with Remus’ hair. “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

“Kiss you all the time.”

“On the lips.”

Ah, yes. Exhibit number 204 in the inventory of Remus’ weird hangups in the wake of terrible things. He was endlessly grateful for Leo and Lily—their talks had let him begin to classify the experience as actual trauma rather than dismissing himself more—but it still made him frown into Sirius’ shirt. The truth, while necessary, wouldn’t be pleasant.

“ ’m scared,” he said at last.

The hand in his hair slowed. “You’re scared… of kissing me?”

He finally blinked one eye open and checked the clock. Hours left until dawn, because they had never been able to have serious conversations in daylight. He stretched, bidding the dregs of drowsiness goodbye before he moved his head to the pillow and met Sirius’ troubled expression. Oh, god, I lost him. The words had ripped from him as he knelt on the cold floor of the hospital, disoriented and shattered, his world coming down in pieces. He had never thought it was possible, and that made it hurt even more.

Remus sighed through his nose and kissed the closest bit of Sirius he could reach. “It brought you back to me.” Kiss me, and I’ll know. “I’m still afraid it’ll take you away.”

Sirius stared at him for a long moment. “You know I was flirting with you, ouais? At the hospital. With the kiss thing.”

“I know, baby,” Remus laughed, a little bubble of happiness sliding all the way into his heart. He had missed their talks. “You were very smooth. But…I don’t know, it stuck with me. I know it doesn’t make sense. I want to kiss you all the time, and every time I try, I think about seeing you in that bed.”

Sirius’ palm nearly covered his whole cheek as he cradled Remus’ face, guiding him in to brush their noses together. “How about this bed?” he said, low and just for Remus to hear. “This is a good bed.”

Remus’ heart skipped a beat. Sirius’ lips were so close they were practically touching; he was comfortable and safe, and the hospital was far in the past. He knew what Sirius’ lips would feel like against his own, how his breath would catch after the first press. Kissing Sirius was a part of life and he loved it with his whole heart.

“You don’t have to,” Sirius whispered. Remus could feel the shape of the words on his own mouth and closed his eyes. “Re, you don’t have to, but I love you and I want you to know you’ll never lose me.”

A shuddering breath left him. He was afraid. But he could be brave at the same time.

Sirius’ breath caught when their lips met and Remus squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could, feeling the rough scratch of stubble on his palm when he guided Sirius’ chin down for a better angle. His lips were as chapped and full as he remembered; his smile was just as sweet. Sirius let him roll them over until Remus could hover above him, supported by one elbow because he couldn’t bear to break contact now that it was in his hands again. “Re—”

Remus made a small noise and kissed him harder. No words. Nothing to take them out of this. Sirius curled a hand around his wrist and held it, his thumb rubbing circles over Remus’ pulse. It wasn’t until his lungs began to burn that he leaned back, lips sore and heart racing. “I love you,” he said around the emotion clogging every attempt at speech. A few weeks ago, that kind of kiss would have been nothing but a habit. “Sirius, you don’t even know how much I love you.”

“I know—”

“You don’t.” The memory of bright fluorescent lights bleeding in from the hall pushed at the back of his mind. His whole body tingled. When he licked his lips, he could taste Sirius’ chapstick. “I know you love me because you tell me and we spend time together and you hold me so close, but I don’t know how to tell you so that you understand.”

Sirius’ hands smoothed along his heaving sides. “I know you love me, Re. Have a little faith.”

“I have so much faith in you.” The air didn’t burn with antiseptic; their sheets were washed with plain laundry soap. “I would do anything for you. I love you so much.”

A tumble of soothing French followed and Remus sank into it, letting himself be guided back down and hugged. “This is important, so I need you to listen,” Sirius said with a scattering of kisses to his jaw. Remus forced himself to open his eyes. He would listen. He would do that for Sirius, whose gaze was determined, but not angry. Never angry. “I love you. I always have. I loved you from the second I woke up in that hospital room, even though it scared the shit out of me.”

Sirius had feared him in the hospital, had shoved him back. Get away from me.

“Please look at me.” He found Sirius again in the darkness. His calm eyes, his gentle mouth. “I’ve never doubted your love, Re. I can feel it in everything you do.”

“I try really hard,” he said, far too honestly. Sirius’ hand smoothed down his spine and Remus pressed into him. He wanted—he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Even being held was overwhelming. Another kiss might make him pass out.

“I know.” Sirius’ voice was heavy. “I’m sorry if I made you think anything else.”

Remus shook his head. He never wanted to leave their bed. “It’s just been a lot.”

“It has. I’m so grateful for you, Re.” Lips touched his forehead. “Mon amour.”

My love. “You have no idea what you do to me,” he whispered. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

“You can take your time,” Sirius said with another peck to his cheek that made him burn. “With kisses, and with—with everything.”

Hmm, no, please knock me out with your magic lips. “Can I have a goodnight kiss?”

“Ouais, mon vœu.” Sirius didn’t even try to mask the relief in his voice as Remus tilted his head up; his hand was steady under Remus’ chin when it dipped at the delicate kiss. “Fais de beaux rêves.”

He moved to pull away, but Remus chased his mouth and caught him for another. Sirius was right—this was a good bed. The sheets were familiar, the light a soft glow. It was home. They kissed at home.

He left one on the corner of Sirius’ mouth for good measure before settling back down with an arm over his ribs. The bundle of anxiety he had been carrying since they came home felt lighter. “Goodnight,” he sighed, vibrating in every limb. “I love you.”

Sirius knew it would feel good to be back on the ice, but he had never imagined it would feel like this. The puck found the flat of his stick just like he knew it would; the carbon fiber flexed, he squared his shoulders, and the whoosh of it sinking into the net brought nothing but joy to his whole body. Remus was right, per usual—hockey was love.

He took a wide, lazy loop while everyone else fucked around, chirping each other or fencing with their sticks or boxing, gloveless and playful. The ice was smooth under his skates; he let it carry him wherever it wanted and watched spirals form in his wake. His pads fit like a second skin, grounding him with their weight. Even his mouthguard settled just right over his teeth.

“Someone’s having a good day,” James teased, smacking the backs of his thighs as he passed. Sirius grinned, deliriously happy, and let James drag him into a hug; they collided with a familiar thump of pads. “Man, is it good to have you back out here.”

“It’s good to be back.” Five weeks was by far the longest Sirius had ever gone without skating. Even in the summers, he would find a rink or head to the basement when he got the itch. Mid-season, that number was down in the hours. His skates were home. He was finally settled in his skin.

“This captain shit is hard,” James laughed when they parted, eyes bright behind his contacts. “I’ve been doing it for a month, and I’m done.”

“Five years,” Sirius reminded him.

“I know, you fuckin’ hockey mutant.”

Sirius stole a puck out from under Finn and snapped it to James, who caught it with ease. All it took was a twitch of his brow and the game was on, keep-away across the ice with rules they both knew by heart. The cold air burned his face when he picked up speed; James’ crossovers were even better than they had been when they last played together, and Sirius smiled. A month of being captain had done him good.

The shrill chirp of Arthur’s whistle stabbed all the way to the base of his skull and nearly sent him flying into James’ back mid-dive. “Fuck—”

“Easy,” James grunted beneath his weight when he caught him. Concern had replaced the excitement on his face. “Hey, you okay?”

“I—yeah, I’m fine.” Sirius blinked and shook his head. Weird. He hadn’t had so much as a headache in two weeks, but already he could feel a faint throbbing behind his eye. He shook his head again and stood up straight, pointedly ignoring the worried looks several teammates were shooting him. He was fine. He was healed.

“I posted the schedule by the bench,” Arthur called, the whistle hanging innocently around his neck once again. “We’re doing fundamentals today, okay? Nailing down the basics is a strength of this team, so I want you to put a hundred percent of your effort into the technicalities. Save any fancy tricks for the scrimmage at the end.”

Sirius smiled to himself. He excelled at fundamentals, and if he knew Coach, those basic exercises would fall right into his wheelhouse. He wasn’t stupid—obviously it was Arthur’s way of saying ‘welcome back’, but Sirius wasn’t about to complain about a chance to show off a little and shake the rust away.

Passing drills? Easy.

Net accuracy? Piece of cake.

Puck handling? Sirius had more than enough trophies sitting at home to do it in his sleep.

He reveled in returning to the routine that had built his entire life. His stick was an extension of his arms and his skates added those few inches of height for the perspective he had been missing, always a bit too short to see things through the right frame until he was back where he belonged. His muscles burned just right; the gloomy fog lurking in the back of his head lifted under the bright lights of his favorite place.

Someone bumped his back just as he was (reluctantly) heading to the bench for a water break, and arms wound around his waist. “Hi,” Sirius laughed as momentum carried them forward.

“Hey.” Remus gave him a squeeze, then ducked under his arm. He was flushed with happiness. Sirius’ heart tripped over itself. “How’re you feeling?”

“So good.” His whole face hurt from smiling and he cast a look around at the perfect chaos. “So, so good.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Got a little wobbly earlier with James. Everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” Sirius assured him, tilting Remus’ face up for a kiss on his button nose. But it was for fun, now. They had been allowed more than enough time to figure out their issues, both at home with each other and alone with Heather. Impossibly, he felt better around Remus after a month of recovery than he ever had before. “I’ll tell you if I start feeling bad, but this is good. I needed it.”

“I know you did, baby.”

They made their way back to the bench together, hips bumping with each out of sync step until their skates were on solid ground again and Sirius let himself fall into the mess of his friends without hesitation. Shoulders jostled, elbows knocked—he was at peace. “Good to have you back out there, Cap,” Kasey said with a grin and a clap to his upper arm. “Needed someone who could give me a run for my money.”

“Hey!” Logan complained.

A hand caught Sirius by the scruff and he went willingly into Dumo’s side hug, nudging their temples together. “Thought you could take a break and come back just as strong, eh?”

Sirius grinned. “You know it.”

Dumo tsked and shoved him away by the forehead. “Remus! Five weeks, and you haven’t tamed the ego on this one?”

“Not nearly enough time,” Remus countered with a wink that made Sirius’ stomach flip. “I barely managed to keep him in bed, you think I was paying attention to the real elephant in the room?”

“Yeah, I bet you kept him in bed!” Finn wolf-whistled, earning himself a squirt to the face from Remus’ waterbottle. The conversation devolved rapidly into hollering and playful jabs from all sides, and Sirius gave as good as he got.

Then the whistle blew again, and black spots of pain danced in his vision.

He rubbed the corner of his forehead with the heel of his hand for some relief and felt the textured skin of his new scar pull. He frowned.

“Baby?” The guys were still loud as they flooded back onto the ice—he must have missed Arthur’s instructions, he never missed instructions—but Remus’ voice was barely above a murmur. “Sirius, you okay?”

“Ouais.” The spots faded out. The pain had been quick and sharp, like lightning. “It’s—yeah, I’m good. The whistle startled me.”

Remus had his PT face on, though, and Sirius’ heart sank. He wasn’t getting out of this one easily. “Your head’s bugging you?”

Before the fall and everything that came after it, he might have lied. He might have continued to tell Remus he was fine despite obviously not being fine, and Remus would have let him, but he would’ve been upset and it would take them days to work it out. Hell, six weeks ago Sirius would have cut every corner he found to get back into hockey as fast as possible. And because Remus loved him, because Remus was so goddamn committed to making sure he was happy, he would’ve been able to get away with a lot more before someone called him on his bullshit.

That was six weeks ago. That was before the fall.

“It’s hurting a little,” he admitted. “But only when the whistle blows, and only for a moment. We’ll check it out when we get home. I feel really good for the scrimmage, though.”

Remus nodded hesitantly, then leaned up and kissed his cheek. A frown touched his mouth. “Talk to Layla after practice?”

“I will,” Sirius promised.

And that was that. Honesty, an easy promise to keep, and they were good again. They had both learned over the first few stages of recovery that a lack of communication to salvage one good moment wasn’t worth the inevitable Jenga tower of problems later. Sirius didn’t have to be afraid Remus would leave him over an imperfection, and Remus didn’t have to fear Sirius feeling suffocated by him.

It was such a breath of fresh air.

He lined up across from Dumo, bracing for the puck drop as adrenaline dripped through him and focused his vision. He won the face-off in one quick swipe of his stick and passed it to James, who caught it just like the last million times they had done it.

“Open!” he shouted as the opposing defense closed in on James and Finn. The puck was a blur he knew well, easy to catch, easy to carry. He slipped past Olli and dodged Dumo’s attempted poke-check; Sirius couldn’t stop grinning. His body remembered everything it was supposed to.

He snagged a goal in the first period and two assists in the second. It wasn’t until they were well into the third period that he realized he hadn’t taken a single check.

At first, he wrote it off as a scrimmage courtesy—no checks meant a severely reduced risk of injury. But it lingered in his thoughts and dragged his gaze to spots he normally wouldn’t put that much attention in; Logan colliding with everyone but Sirius, Nado and Kuny’s play-fight, Remus’ quick hits that always shocked the puck from the opponent. Not even one of them came close to Sirius.

He called for the puck again and made a break for the net; Logan was on his ass in a second, but he didn’t make a move to try and steal it away. Sirius extended his stick a couple inches. Nothing. He did it again, giving Logan the perfect opportunity to snatch it away if he just bumped Sirius a little.

“Are you going to take it or not?” he snapped as they swerved around Dumo.

Logan immediately looked guilty. “I…”

Sirius ground his teeth and knocked the puck to James, who attempted a shot he didn’t even try and follow. If they weren’t going to play fair, he didn’t want to play at all. “What the fuck are you doing, Logan?”

“Playing defense.”

“I practically handed it to you!”

“Well, fuck you, too!” Logan said waspishly.

The throbbing behind Sirius’ eye had started again. He wanted to break his stick in frustration, but he didn’t know if he could do it. There were angles and force and—and his head was killing him for the first time in weeks. The others were gathering in little huddles around them. He fixed Logan with a glare. “Why didn’t you take it?”

“It’s a scrimmage!”

“So hit me!”

“I’m not going to hit you!”

Sirius almost had him now. “You’ve hit me before! Split my fucking lip, too!”

“I’m not going to hit you!”

“I can take it, Logan!”

“Well, I’m not willing to fucking risk it!”

They were close enough to each other by then that Sirius watched Logan’s anger dissolve into instant regret in excruciating detail. The rink was dead silent. “That’s what I thought,” he muttered. The rest of them had the nerve to look surprised when he turned. Surprised and ashamed. “Is anyone here a doctor?”

Skates shuffled, tentative and awkward.

“Have any of you seen my medical information over the past month? Any treatment plans? Anything?” They huddled together like a pack of kicked puppies. Sirius took a deep breath. He was their friend, but he was their captain, too. He had their respect. He wasn’t about to lose it over one injury. “I don’t need you to worry about me. I need you to trust me. I know it’s my first practice back, but I know my body. I don’t need special treatment and I don’t want it.”

James raised his head; where shame tinted the faces of their friends, it found no home with him. “We’re worried. That’s it. It’s not worth the risk right now.”

“I don’t—” Sirius cut himself off before he could say something he regretted and pressed a hand over his eyes. Deep breaths. “Jesus, Pots, did you tell them to do this?”

“It was me.” His heart sank as Arthur leaned on the boards, unapologetic. “I told them to be gentle. You’re a great player and a good man, and I’m not going to risk your health in the first few practices.”

Sirius looked at him for a long moment. “It was a concussion. One concussion.”

“A concussion that had you in the hospital for close to a week and needed a month of recovery.” Arthur met his gaze and did not flinch. “You’re the captain of my team. I need you in top form, and I’m willing to make a little extra time to get you there. This team will not succeed if you throw yourself back in and get hurt again right away. Understood?”

His mouthguard squeaked between his teeth. Sirius looked down. “Yes, coach.”

Arthur tapped his clipboard against the boards. “Good. Scrimmage is over, boys. Do some cooldowns and then get stretching. Sirius, come talk to me when you’re done.”

Someone caught his elbow when he went to skate to the bench. “I’m not sorry,” Logan said, his jaw set. “I know you’re pissed, but I’m not sorry.”

Sirius sighed through his nose. “Yeah, I know.”

Back to the beginning, then.

“I know I’m the prettiest person on this team, but don’t look at me. Look at the light.”

Sirius squinted into Layla’s small flashlight; she passed it in front of his eyes a few more times before clicking it off. “All good?”

“Fine and dandy,” she said. “You said your head was hurting?”

“Just with the whistle.”

“Then, yeah, that sounds like normal stuff to me.” She shrugged one shoulder and offered an encouraging smile. “Your concussion is healing really well. Your focus was good, your pupils look normal, and light sensitivity seemed low. The auditory stuff is just taking a little longer to settle. How long until you’re allowed to play again?”

Sirius held down a grimace. “Three to six more weeks.”

“Sounds about right,” Layla said, apparently unbothered. “It’s good to have that much leeway, Cap. The noise sensitivity should wear off in a week or two, which means you’ll have plenty of time to get back on your feet at a hundred percent and play your best. If it doesn’t, come talk to me and we’ll fix it.”

“Yeah.” Paper pilled under his fingers as he picked at it. Six weeks would put them right on the doorstep of the games-that-must-not-be-named; he wasn’t exactly looking forward to being thrown into high-stakes competition right off the bat.

The exam table crinkled when Layla sat next to him. She was quiet for a moment, then patted his knee. “You’ll be okay. This is the kind of thing that shouldn’t bug you once you rest and recover. In a way, it’s better than your ankle.”

Sirius smiled wryly. He liked Layla—she had the same lovable good humor and unrelenting optimism in the face of injury as her predecessor. “I think most things are better than a broken ankle,” he noted.

“True.” She bumped his shoulder. “No more moping, Cap. You’ll be out there in no time.”

“Flashlight to the left. Okay, good. Give me the flat screwdriver.” Something clinked, then clattered, resulting in a satisfied hum. “Black tape. You looked excellent at practice today.”

“Thanks,” Sirius mumbled. He rummaged in the battered canvas bag until something vaguely tape-textured hooked his finger. “Uh, this one is white.”

“The black kind should be in the side pocket next to the box cutter.” Dumo hummed again when he pressed the correct roll into his open palm. “Merci. Your footwork was especially good.”

“My footwork is always good.”

“I know,” he chuckled. Several more bolts (nuts? Sirius still couldn’t remember which were which) fell into the pan by his thigh like silver sprinkles. “Coach seemed impressed.”

Sirius arched a wry brow, even though Dumo couldn’t see him. “Coach was just surprised I didn’t fall on my face.”

“Non, he was very happy to see you—”

“He told everyone to go easy on me.”

“What, like you wouldn’t do the same if it had been Remus? Or Logan? Or me?” Sirius winced at the thought; with a squeak of wheels and a slight groan, Dumo scooted out from under the washing machine and gave him a look. “I know today was frustrating, but you can’t expect us to beat you up this soon.”

“It’s been a month.” He was well-aware of the slight whine in his voice, and judging by Dumo’s amused huff, he wasn’t alone.

“For you, maybe. Felt like years to the rest of us.” The nut-bolt-screws were cold when Sirius rolled them between his fingertips, scowling. Dumo patted his arm with a grease-streaked hand and began sliding back under the machine. “Give it time, mon fils. They just want you back safe and sound.”

“They need me back for the play—”

“Non,” Dumo interrupted.

“They do!”

Dumo muttered something under his breath before looking up at him again. “Sirius. Come on.”

“James said he had a bad time as captain.”

“Oui, because he missed you. He did great. You should be proud of him.” A screwdriver gently poked him on the kneecap. “This is not about hockey. This is about friends.”

Sirius set the pan aside and stretched out on the concrete floor. His legs ached from being crossed for so long. There were cobwebs between the cupboards and the ceiling, even with the cold weather. “It’s hard for me, sometimes.”

Dumo made an understanding noise and turned back to the screws.

“Falling was embarrassing.” It was so much easier to talk about like this. Heather was a godsend, but the words came easier in French and the soft noise of the garage was far more soothing than a blue room with a suede couch. “It’s like—who even does that? I was tired. That’s it. Now everyone is upset.”

“I disagree with the last part, but okay.”

“Remus is upset.”

“Since when do you count Remus with ‘everyone’?”

He saw Dumo grin at the ensuing silence and covered his face with a groan, letting his head fall back on the cold floor. “God, fine, I’m being mean again and nobody is actually mad at me.”

“Atta boy. Hand over the white tape.”

It got better. Sirius got better. He had daily visits with Layla—they both had a laugh about old habits die hard, but still they laughed—and his weekly appointments with Heather had finally begun to veer back to their usual conversations. Aren’t you bored of my shitty childhood by now? Sirius had teased when they made it thirty minutes without discussing his head.

Heather had scoffed at him and whacked him lightly with a pillow. As if I’d be sad to see you this happy. Don’t even think about more head wounds, puck boy. We’re getting to the root of that next.

Slowly, he admitted that he had been sick when it happened. (It seemed Kasey hadn’t spilled his secret, after all). He told her about the chattering teeth and the brain fog that set in that morning; about the fatigue that had piled onto him until he couldn’t even make it through the gate and had to let it win. He told her about the overwhelming feeling that it was all his fault and that everyone would hate him for taking a break.

The world hates me when I’m good and hates me when I’m bad.

They’re wrong for that.

That had made him smile. Heather rarely spoke in absolutes. I know, he answered honestly. She hadn’t pushed him on it, and he liked to think she even believed him.

Remus was laughing again, moonlight in darkness. The good snacks began to disappear from the pantry once more—Sirius couldn’t be mad about it, no matter how often he considered billing Talker for their monthly groceries. Every bag of chips he never got to taste meant Remus would come home and kiss him and ramble about the day like the most adorable runaway train in the world. “I love you, I love you, I love you” smushed into his cheeks, forehead, lips.

His boys carried them to the playoffs with ruthless focus. His pads still fit and the whistle was on his side. And when he was ready, so fucking ready it made his veins hot, Remus pulled him into the break room with a wicked grin that made him thank every cosmic moment that gave him pregame rituals. He would take every bit of luck he could get. The crowd roaring for him deserved it all.

It came in the dusk of the evening, when the blustering winds had calmed and Sirius’ mind felt quiet at last. It was the relief of a wound freshly bandaged—there was no burn of newness, and yet no itch of a scab. It was just a wide, soft couch and a chest rising and falling beneath his hand. Remus kissed his forehead and let it linger like a dream. “Oh, I love you.”

Sirius breathed in, and out. A single spritz of cologne. Lavender shampoo. “You said you couldn’t do this without me,” he said, keeping his voice low. Remus hummed his agreement. He lifted his head slightly, into the gentle pressure of Remus’ hand in his hair. An auburn brow arched in a silent question; he traced the shape of it with his thumb. “You think I can do any of this without you, loup?”

Remus’ mouth curved in a half-smile. “You can do a lot without me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“That’s where we always end up, eh?”

“Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

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