#i am so autistic right now i will figuratively explode

[theaxolotlkween]

MMMMMYES I am so completely and utterly normal about my headcanons and theories about the Nanite Project era. I am so normal about how pretty much all of the people Rex meets in the show from the Nanite Project that knew him as a child don't quite get that Rex is now older despite seeing him now as a teenager except for DUST EATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT AVATAR OF THE WHORE STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING VAN KLEISS OF ALL PEOPLE (César mostly gets a free pass because he's an older sibling but it still does fuck up things along the way). I'm so normal about it and I am normally shoving it down people's throats every chance I get I am like Tad Strange being normal is my game and I love bread.

Prepare yourselves for how completely fucking normal I am, my inhibitions are being deleted and the floodgates are opening. I need to infodump and discuss.

[moe-broey]

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN a very strange and funny way I actually. Don't mind this bc when I write/think about characters I literally forget wikis exist until I'm in dire need for very specific information, it's just me and the source material. So. If anything this WILL feed my autism HAHAHAHA

BUT!!! BUT!!! MORE THAN THAT NOW THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE DIRECT ACCESS TO HIS VOICE LINES!!!!! Now that I can study him like a bug...

Standout Voicelines to me are:

"One who lacks the will to strike me down is not fit to be king" GAKSHKSHSJSJ LITERALLYYYY THAT SHITPOST COMIC IDEA I HAD AGES AGO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

From May 2022. I fucking know this man. Personally. Unfortunately.

(AS A SIDE... I am so sorry someone left SUCH informative and cool tags about Alfonse/Sharena grandad lore when I mentioned in a post that we don't know much of their family history, and APPARENTLY!! We know A Little More than I thought! However I cannot find the tags or post ANYWHERE but I think I just need to replay Book 3) (when. The time is right. I have to be autistic about it LMFAOOO)

The OTHER line that's fucking me up right now though is: "Alfonse is strong. Should the time come that he needs to battle his own blood, he will not falter."

I AM. PROBABLY READING WAYYY INTO THIS. But isn't it fucking weird?????? For Gustav to say that????? After he's already been killed by Alfonse?????? He's saying it as if it's a hypothetical. As if he's worried about something to come and Not reflecting on something that has already happened.

LIKE...... I don't think we have to worry about Sharena tbh bc Intsys gives her NOTHING but also. I really can't imagine them taking that route with her character. If they wanted to set her up to be a foe at any point, I think it already would have happened (either in Book 3, where I could see her being like, something Other than Lif and Thrasir. A more neutral party with her own goal/motives, which could make her either be on our side or somewhere else. You know. If they didn't just Leave her dead like Dead dead LMFAOO -- OR in Book 4, but even then it's way less likely bc it's established like. Sharena is more in-line with the good dream fairies than she is the nightmare fairies). And right now, as they Have actually been giving scraps of good characterization/growth for her, it's very much in-line with being a reliable teammate to Alfonse, having them become equals/covering for each other's weaknesses, and aspiring to be/figuring out what it means for her to be a strong queen(?) (Would she be queen actually? Esp since Alfonse is to take the throne?) (But generally saying that bc of the inspiration she took from Acsended Elincia's convos)

SO LIKE......... is Gustav worried about Henriette??????? And her whole deal. Day of Devotion alt where she mentions "That power... Never again", "I don't want to lose control", "I am holding back." Like. Hello

Also "Alfonse... Sharena... My beloved children..." Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Your Beloved children? Yeah? Is that what you call them? Yeah? Yeah? Sword slash to the chest AND you're on fire. EXPLODE‼️‼️ 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[dameronalone]

hm hello hi I would like to know more about zeph pls thank you

GLITTER. HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE

zeph is my babygirl. she's me. she's too cool to be me. she's everything I WANNA be she is unattainable and has attained everything that I can't, like, for instance, getting to kiss and fuck poe dameron

shes my star wars sequel trilogy oc and zeph is actually a nickname that just is her name at this point. her full name is ilya zephanir, callsign zephyr one, and everyone calls her zeph, first because zephanir is a lot of syllables when ur in flight academy, then because zeph just neatly split the different between her name and her code name

shes autistic, she's an asshole, she's an autistic asshole who doesn't know how to express herself, especially when she is full of love for her friends. she's a pilot, spy, part time mechanic and part time soul mate full time problem and I LOVE her. she's also hella traumatized bc she got captured by bad guys and then crashes her ship upon escape. she's disabled like Kaz brekker and doesn't always use a cane but it's better for her when she does, and gets more wore out if she doesn't and REALLY she shouldn't be trying to run on it either AND YET

shes technically a woman but only because there's not another label that better applies, she's very aroace but more confusing than not because she'll have sex if she feels like it but only if she's like "Yeah that sounds fun" and it's never "I NEED to fuck" but generally more aro (turns out she's demi/grayromantic because poe dameron is a sap and she's heading over heels for him) and EVEN BETTER she's bi/pan (but hasn't talked to me enough about it to figure out which works better or even if she cares enough to label it bc she is Committed now bro it doesn't matter)

shes great to have in a pinch bc she'll step right in and take charge and doesn't get stressed out easily but she likes to have a plan and doesn't like it when it completely goes pear shaped. she can handle wrenches thrown in plans but not pears. that's just a line she refused to cross. but she will snap out commands and ppl just listen because damn she's making sense and I don't wanna die so let's do as we're told

shes grumpy and perceived to be aggressive and mean and she's not good with people in her natural state, though she's learned to mask and mirror so well she can give the impression of a people person, even though she's deeply antisocial EVEN THOUGH she cares so much about her friends and family and the Resistance and people in general. she's MISUNDERSTOOD and LONELY and I love her SO SO SO MUCH and also she's in a qpr with @the-force-awakens oc who's Also in a relationship with poe dameron to make a little trio.

(sometimes I think abt the universe where nym's oc is NOT around and its just so weird to think of her and poe as a duo instead of two thirds of a trio)

[flops back] I could keep going but I am just full of love for my own oc I might explode

[trailmixedup]

I’m having thoughts again. I am frustrated and angry right now because how hypocritical my treatment has been from my dad’s girlfriend. I don’t think she takes any of my diagnoses seriously. Our neighbors kids are both autistic, and they scream or curse at us sometimes when we are outside making overstimulating noise or they’re frustrated for some reason or another. It’s completely understandable, obviously, they’re having big emotions and have little in the way of a filter or identifiable outlet. Her response to this is overwhelming understanding and care. She is quick to assure their parents that she gets it and that there’s no hard feelings or whatever. But when I, someone who only found out I had autism a year ago, has trouble responding appropriately to big emotions or communicating in a proper way she flips her fucking shit. I have only been learning how to regulate instead of repress and then explode for a year. I have only been working through 18 years of trauma from being undiagnosed, isolated, vilified and in constant repression and fear of my big emotions for a year. It’s not fair that she’s allowed to put on the mask of understanding and empathy around other people and then when I act autistic in any way she loses her mind and makes threats towards my dad and isolates me further. I genuinely wonder if she even believes that I am autistic or if she thinks I’m lying for attention or some bullshit like that. I’m trying my absolute hardest to conduct myself appropriately and have mature and collected emotional responses to situations that trigger me, but it’s never enough because I still slip up sometimes and god forbid she actually has to tolerate an autistic person in her house.

The thing is I can’t even try and talk through this with her because she’s literally not gonna accept that I’m trying to address a problem. She’s going to accuse me of making excuses for myself and make herself the victim of my “bullying behavior” like she has continually. Nothing she says or does could possibly be wrong, she’s the eXpErT on mental health and knows everything about every imaginable situation. She’s not open to changing her behavior or taking feedback, she literally just wants subservience and unquestioning obedience to everything she says.

I’m so tired of this. I want her to leave forever, but my dad would be sad if she did and then he would blame me. I literally have less than 10 months until I can transfer colleges, but apparently I’m too much of a problem to handle until then. I’m just difficult to be around and reactive and aggressive and pissy. Everything is Pigeons fault because he can’t figure out how to be a neurotypical mind reader with unfailing obedience and unending patience. Everything will always be Pigeons fault because he’s just terrible and selfish like that.

[onlyonewoman]

Yesterday I fucked up

I have ADD and autism. MOST of the time, people tend to not think of it, because I’m quite high functioning, meaning it can sometimes be really frustrating when they underestimate my problems, despite me telling about them repeatedly. Well, yesterday I, a 40-year old woman, who can count the major fights with my hubby over 18 years on our combined fingers. Like, neither of us is the type to be loud and screaming, or ignoring one another. We talk it out and then realise we’re morons, make some more coffee and go about our day. Now, my hubby is neurotypical and I’m very grateful for that. He’s my rock, he has supported me through shitty times, he’s never tried to change the way I am and always respects my personal space. There’s a reason why I waited more than 15 years for him to be ready to get married. The thing is, being generally quite high functioning with two major, invisible disabilities, OFTEN make people assume my difficulties aren’t that bad OR, which is almost as bad, start trying to solve a problem FOR me without my input. The latter was what made me explode yesterday. See, in a few months time, we have to temporarily move out due to a huge renovation which, of course, is stressful, but our landlord is great and things are handled very well. My hubby, who has a great work memory and a lot better planning skills, has been the best by being responsible for gathering the information about the temporary move, calling our landlord etc. This is awesome and I’m SO grateful for that. The problem is, my hubby started to take over A LOT more than I ever said I wanted him to and it all started with our old freezer. You see, generally, I take care of stuff like cleaning the drains, defrosting our freezer, the laundry etc. by myself, and our old freezer that will be exchanged to a new one after the renovations, is... fucked up. So, naturally, I wanted to defrost our big freezing box that we bought two years ago. i also wanted to collect a bunch of old books to get to second hand and place them in a box. My hubby said no to me starting with the books and that just... stopped my flow, but I figured I could start with the freezer instead and then he came in and said no, like... Like I was a child messing up the kitchen, instead of a grown ass woman who knows exactly what she’s doing. I LOST it. And I mean REALLY lost it. I kicked our piles with folded laundry around and wiped down everything on the top of our bureou in the hallway (nothing that could be borken, thankfully) and then I just left, slamming the door REALLY hard and running out in the middle of the night. It was awful and it’s one of only two major autistic meltdowns I’ve ever displayed as an adult. I scared the living hell out of my husband and, which I feel VERY guilty about: he was scared I’d turn violent. I’ve not been violent to anyone since I was ten or something and I grew up in a family where my parents and older sibling unfortunately often had HUGE fights where no one could control their temper or voice - and things DID turn violent at times too. It was absolutely awful that I showed the same signs of uncontrolled anger as I had experienced - and been SO scared of - as a child. So that was on me, completely, and i apologised profusely when I came back and we finally could talk.

No excuse for that.

Now we come to WHY I acted out like that.

My husband treated me like a child and very casually told me no about something I wanted to do that:

1. I had every right to do. 2. Was very much capable of doing. 3. Didn’t require his help or input.

He didn’t suggest or ask me not to defrost the freezer, he said “we’re not doing that now”.

There’s a HUGE difference between “I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that now” and “we’re not doing that now”.

The first one is an opinion from one adult to another, the second one is a child being told no from an adult. In that moment, I very much felt like I was treated like an unreasonable child, by an adult who thought I couldn’t take care of things I’ve done plenty. My husband, on the other hand, thought he was helping and didn’t understand that his “we’re not doing that now” didn’t come out like a question AT ALL, but a casual order, a “no” to a stupid child. THAT, more than anything, caused my crash and burn. But the worst of it, was that I didn’t think twice about how absolutely insane it was for me to take orders from him, let alone him giving them. My brain immediately went to “I’m not being heard = he doesn’t listen = he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m autistic = he doesn’t trust me to make decisions = he thinks it’s just fine for him to tell me no like I’m a child”. Enter cause and effect: absolute explosion. He thought he was helping me by not having me take on more work: I thought he was telling me I couldn’t be trusted to defrost the fucking freezer. Eventually we managed to talk it out properly and we’re fine now, but we both take responsibility for our different fuckups. He, by listening to me and admitting that just because defrosting the big freezer seemed unnecessary and/or difficult to HIM, it was neither of those things to ME. And so he apologised for making unilateral decisions about things I didn’t need his input for. I, in turn, apolgised both for blowing up so much, for throwing things around and for scaring him. Today, he made a check off list for things needing to be done before the move and put up on the refrigerator so I could have control too and I made a nice dinner and raspberry pie to make up some for scaring him.

It was a shitty experience for both of us, to say the least, but it also came out with some good things:

1. He realised he doesn’t have to handle all the planning alone. 2. I realised what I saw as patronizing, was a genuine attempt at helping. 3. He understood that a major thing like a move, REQUIRES me being in control on MY terms - of course as long as it doesn’t cause him problems and vice verca. 4. I defrosted the motherfucking freezer today and showed him first hand how damn stupid he was for trying to talk me out of it in the first place. Moral of the story? Don’t treat a disabled person like a child, unless you’re prepared to take a fullblown meltdown.

[cassioppenny]

MILESVERSE PALDEA GANG GO!!!! or if u wanna talk abt any of the protags' pokemon teammates ^_^

okay paldea is kinda hard since the dlc isn't out but here's what's going on with them so far :3 also for those not caught up on milesverse lore scvi takes place in two timelines the scarlet timeline (juliana) and the violet timeline (florian). area zero has the timelines converge. juliana and florian meet eachother and the rivals get doubled

nemona

autistic adhd lesbian real. she's 14 and is like the older sister figure to florian/juliana

bullied for being "weird" when she first joined the school and then people avoided after becoming champion because her battling skills scare people away

VERY LONELY she had like no friends before she met florian/juliana

she's a huge fan of red her parents had a recording of the red vs blue match and she watched it on loop as a kid. this one of the reasons why her current ace is a pawmi

arven

im really sorry arven i don't have that many ideas for you i already really like canon arven already lol

he's sixteen probably nonbinary but he's too busy cooking to worry about that right now

he's like an older brother to juliana/florian

after area zero the arvens set off to meet the opposite timeline's professor/his other parent (subject to change depending on what happens in the dlc)

penny

12 transfem autistic lesbian she/they

has the most insane crush on juliana it's so funny. she takes am i gay quizzes even though she already knows she's gay. thinks florian is a weenie

her dad is colress 👍 he cares about two things in life science and his wonderful daughter and he'll explode whoever is mean to her. who's the other parent? whoever is the funniest answer is idk penny doesn't know them

she doesn't know about the whole team plasma thing she was like six at the time she just remembered that it was snowing when she left unova

also yes he taught how to commit cyber crimes

her sylveon as given to her when she was little when it was an eevee. it evolved after penny realized she was trans. sylveon was her first eevee. sylveon's name is miku if you're wondering

she named all of her eevees after anime characters actually. also she makes vocaloid music in her spare time

HUGE marnie fan during swsh. she won a twitter argument bede during his canceled arc (yeah she was ten at the time she lies about her age)

asks her dad to buy anime figures for her

the red part of her hair is dyed the blue is the natural part

lived exclusively on cup noodles before arven tore down her door and forced her to eat real food

british (unfortunately)

i think she should meet n for the funny idk how but she should

STARFALLSHIPPING REAL GRAAAAAAAAHHH i need to draw more starfallshipping im the only fan of them for some reason it makes me sad

anyway these are the protag teams 👍 brendan's pikachu is cosplay pikachu btw and i forgot to give rosa genesect but oh well

[tittyinfinity]

Ok this is kind of a personal post but I'm putting it here in case anyone else relates

ADHD/autism related

Kinda long

Things that should have pushed me to get autism & adhd diagnoses a lot sooner:

Multiple stims throughout my whole life, but I've held onto one specific stim since childhood which is tapping things in a very specific pattern

Every social interaction is like a test that I have to "study" for – practicing every interaction in my head, thinking of all the possible things they could say and how I should respond without looking weird; closely paying attention to a person's each movement and tone of voice change in order to figure out which script to switch to; mirroring people because I don't know which social cues are acceptable to which people

Weird kid of every friend group that people only pretended to like because sometimes I was funny – always hearing that people are talking behind my back, boys making fun of me to my face while admitting to having a crush on me but not pursuing it because their friends would make fun of them

Embracing being ~*rAnDoM!!*~ as a preteen and doing things like yelling nonsense in the hallways with my other (now also diagnosed autistic) friend and wearing things that specifically pissed the other kids off

Oh so everyone else doesn't feel existential dread whenever they have to do one task? You're telling me people can have the motivation to complete a task before the very last minute when it's an immediate threat??

I'm really good at paying attention in class! All I need are my color coded pens of different thicknesses and my multiple colors of highlighters so that I can picture it in my mind (holy SHIT I had like 10-15 writing utensils on me at all times)

Wow I'm so so smart and at the top of my class!! ......oh I was just really good at standardized testing. Oh. Wow. I'm not smart outside of school. Shit.

HOW do people not feel emotion SO INTENSELY I just don't understand how people can just be OKAY WITH THINGS

"They overreact every time they get upset" "they're a crybaby" "it's not that big of a deal" yeah those were actually full on meltdowns! Yeah maybe it wasn't normal for me to be screaming and groveling over "minor" things!

I am walking out of this job right now because all of the noises and sounds are Too Much and I am having a panic attack at my desk. This must be because of the panic attack disorder I was diagnosed with

I can FEEL noises. Why can I feel them. Especially mouth noises. I grew up I a family with vocal/tongue/throat stims and I've had to wear headphones or put my head under a pillow bc while they can't help it, I also can't help that I have a physical response to it and it makes me want to explode. Repetitive noises and certain tones also drive me INSANE

No matter what you are not going to make me eat certain textures

Can't wear a bra or normal underwear without being aware of it all day bc it's all I can feel

Okay I'm going to start this task now. I mean now. Okay now. How about at 3. Oh it's 3:02, how about 3:30. Okay 4.

I am SO OBSESSED with this one thing that my entire life is going to revolve around it until it wears off for the next thing

Why do I feel like I'm so much further behind all the other adults at my age??? How have I not figured it out yet???

"The kid who asks too many questions" (especially at church)

I'm not going to follow this rule if it's not logical to do so

Having to fake a smile and engage in small talk with someone I don't know well makes me physically angry. Like not just annoyed. I want to explode and I want everything to explode with me

On that note: customer service jobs are worse than hell

I got so distracted with what I was doing that I've been doing the wrong thing this whole time

How many times can a person walk into one of their old classrooms and sit there before realizing they're not in that grade anymore

I've been talking to this person for an hour and just realized that I know them

I introduced myself to this person and they said we have met many times before

I can vividly remember every time I've missed a social cue and keep it stored in my brain so I can reference it for future situations. Also thinking about it makes me want to die

The same song/phrase has been on a loop in my head for a week straight now

Not everyone thinks in patterns and numbers specifically??

Nobody Fucking Tell Me What To Do

I very much also need people to tell me what to do because I fucking forget

(This stresses me out very much)

Idk if this has anything to do with it, but drugs affect me differently than others. My pain medication makes me energized and focused while making others drowsy. I can function and focus better after smoking weed. The only thing that fucks me up is alcohol, but anything else I've ever tried has made me feel more "normal" while everyone else around me is having a great time (I won't touch hard drugs because of this – I'd get addicted to meth or heroin extremely easily)

Apparently hypermobility can be an adhd thing? I got the record for the sit-and-reach test at all my schools and have always been able to touch the ground flat handed without bending my legs or stretching. I can also put my legs behind my head.

If I go through a major life or routine change I am fucking useless and mentally strained until I adapt to it

Me and my cats are Same

Half of my day is spent looking for objects I've misplaced

Well I'm on this website and that's a symptom too

[queervegancryptid]

This bullshit is probably 80% of the reason why no one thought to mention the possibility of me being on the spectrum until I was like 23 and in grad school. I was never formally diagnosed, per se, but I mean... Once it was brought up as a possibility, it seemed obvious.

It's just that, when it comes to things like autism and other conditions related to how the brain works, the world isn't set up for accommodating them, and diagnosing them can be delayed because of how adaptive humans can be in a given environment. But maybe half the reason I developed eating disorders, for example, was because I was working so hard to control my reactions to my environment. Trying to shove myself into a box and just do what other people did, what seemed expected of me. That's how I learned: I mimicked other people because I figured that's just what people do. It's kinda like how, before I realized I was trans, I tried to imitate girls and women around me, thinking that's just how everyone feels. That probably stopped me from coming to terms with and accepting my authentic self in general. But I digress.

I developed the tendency to mimic others because of some traumatic shit that happened to me that actually directly relates to my emotional life when I was about 10. Without saying too much, I learned that the way I expressed my emotions was Bad, and that sent me on a decade-plus-long journey starting with trying to figure out how to not get "caught," being Bad, which meant I needed to learn how to pretend to be normal. I mean, once again, this was the logic of my 10-year-old brain: I'm getting punished for crying and needing help, so the only way to be safe is to stop doing those things and stop making trouble for others. They act like I should have no problem doing that, so I don't know why it's so hard, but I guess I have to make it work.

I don't know, is that a thing? Other autistic folks, did you get like, scarred for life because people didn't want to deal with you being a child with intense emotional reactions to a world that seemed to be oriented in such a way that everything was uncomfortable for you? I responded by shutting out others from seeing me express any emotion at all, positive or otherwise, as much as I could. That went on for years and definitely contributed to my developing anorexia and bulimia, but I wouldn't fully understand that relationship until relatively recently. My dad told me that he thinks I was born a genius and still am one, and I don't know about all that, but he said he felt like my IQ decreased over time, and I just wanted to explode when he gave me a timeline along which he perceived that to have happened. I didn't get less intelligent; I learned that I couldn't safely be myself and lost virtually all confidence in myself, which basically meant I worked harder and longer than others to make sure I got a project right, and I felt I had to do that on every single project, every assignment, every test. I ran myself into the ground that way and am now disabled. I don't spend a lot of time being angry, but once in a while, I gotta admit, this whole situation makes me furious.

Sometimes a diagnosis isn't particularly useful. Sometimes, it hits you over the head like a big, cartoon mallet as if to say, "Of course you're autistic, look at yourself, you dumb slut."

[theblogofsappy]

Do you ever overthink things and then over share because of it?

That’s what happened to me tonight. Part of me is in distress, but the other part of me is feeling happier that we got it all out. It was definitely not the right time since it was very very late at night, but in my mind I had to get stuff situated right then and there so I did.

Tonight, we had a conversation about crying, and why I cry about certain stuff that “normal people” don’t cry about. I am autistic and my partner is autistic, but we are two totally different people so it’s hard for them to see where I am coming from.

Unlike them, who grew up simply being told to suppress their emotions, my childhood was a little more complicated than that. I was often confused about what was expected of me. To cry and let it out, or to bottle it all up and keep it in. My parents would go from comforting and loving to making fun of me and telling me to stop being over dramatic. I was undiagnosed, so throughout my childhood I didn’t understand what was “wrong with me.” I couldn’t figure out why I felt the way I did about stuff that seemed too stupid to other people.

I believe that being confused constantly, not know what was right and wrong, made me a people pleaser. I think it ultimately developed my version of an autistic mask, which was to put on a smile - a show - and mirror other people. I showed others what they wanted to see, and most of the time it meant hiding those sadder parts of myself.

Sadness was still part of my life, but it was a secret. My room was my safe space and still is because I can do what I want and be who I want in these walls. When I was little, I would stare at myself in the mirror and watch myself cry. I was so harsh towards myself. I even began to make fun of myself.

“Why are you like this?”

“Why can’t you just get it together?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

I never knew what was “wrong” with me until my late teens. And only now, as I reflect on myself and my life, I understand why I am the way I am.

My partner and I were discussing how I cry over stuff that shouldn’t be cried over. The example brought up was when I cried over spilling ramen noodles down the drain when I was trying to get rid of the water (I don’t like the broth fyi). They thought I was just upset about the noodles, but I explained that from my perspective, I was embarrassed. I felt like I was being made fun of for being stupid and not draining the water more carefully. I was trying to lightheartedly accept my clumsiness, but I couldn’t and I made the choice not to suppress that feeling I was feeling. I let it come out in that moment and I cried into their chest.

They still don’t think it was appropriate to cry, but they don’t understand where I am coming from. They are like a stone wall when it comes to emotional stuff. Even if they cry over something, they show no emotions on their face. Tears fall, but I can’t tell if they are upset, happy, mad, irritated, angry, joyful or anything until I see a slight change or receive verbal confirmation. I am the opposite, I look like I’m gonna explode according to them and I am very expressive.

When I let myself cry, I am letting myself have control, because growing up I didn’t have any when it came to my feelings. I was always told how to feel, and letting myself feel emotions, even the sadness is liberating. It’s something that’s hard to understand if you haven’t been in a similar situation or position. My therapist suggested I do so, and it does help me a little. I still hold stuff in, but I am working on it. I just hope my partner can get to a point where they are open to understanding or accepting that about me.

- Sappy

[screechthemighty]

Unsolicited MK System Is Autistic Thoughts yet again but:

Okay, I know I’ve said in full seriousness that I don’t think Jake has ever masked a day in his life and lives his best life as an autistic cryptid, but on second thought...I’m not entirely sure that’s correct. I think Jake has masked, but he hasn’t done it in a long time and the memories of what it was like when he had to are so awful for him that it’s part of the reason why he doesn’t now as an adult.

My logic is that, if we take Jake as the guy who steps in when neither Marc nor Steven can handle it anymore, there would 100% be times when masking would be necessary for survival. Between Wendy being a walking powder keg ready to explode on them at any time (especially if Marc was being “””difficult”””) and the heavy insinuation that there’s some medical trauma in their past, looking and acting like a Normal Neurotypical Boy Definitely Not Being Abused is definitely a skill set Jake had to foster, at least until Marc left home for the Marines (and possibly for a little bit while they were in the Marines, depending). After that, I 100% believe he threw the mask right into the trash and never put it back on, unless you count him mimicking Marc “the mask is glued to my face for trauma reasons” Spector to avoid being detected. (Even then, though, you can pry my headcanon that Frenchie noticed the difference in stims and masking and always thought it was kinda weird but figured it was “Marc in a good mood” from my cold dead hands.)

It has also occurred to me that Jake’s people skills (if they keep him being the most sociable of the three of them as show canon and I REALLY hope they do) could also be the result of those days. He’s good at reading people and interacting and scripts and such because it was necessary to make it through their childhood. Yeah, now it’s a positive skill that lets him make friends, but it may not have the best roots.

Anyways! I’m sad. Jake Lockley I am offering you a hug but only if you want it.

[bishiglomper]

So I rushed out early to help my sister with stuff and other than moving about too quickly and getting a bit shakey... I felt okay today..

I get to PT and it's the woman who worked with me that day I pretty much had tears streaming down my face the whole time. 👀

Today would have been JUST PEACHY.

Except this woman starts this interaction like "(bishiglomper)!" *hands on hips* What happened?"

Already I'm just like ???? And I start following her and she just keeps asking what I'm doing and I'm still like ?? Nothing?? I dont know. What are we talking about?! And I'm just. Flustered and confused because if she had used the right language like "what have you been up to?" Or "hows it going?" Or fucking. Something to give me a goddamn fucking clue. But it was like she was asking what I did wrong or. fucking something. I dont know what. What happened to "What hurts today? How does (injury) feel?" I think there was some of that but I dont ever know how to answer, especially since I believe I'm now getting tennis elbow on top of my shoulder shit. Which hurts sporadically. So more confused flustering.

Its shit like this that makes me go "HOLY SHIT AM I AUTISTIC. " 🙆

She left me on the arm bike for 10 minutes. I figured I could calm down within that time but when i took a moment to wipe my sopping wet face the bike shut off and I cant turn it back on myself. So I'm just sitting there not doing anything when I'm supposed to be exercising and I'm escalating again. When I debated literally just walking out I decided it was past the point of no return.

I'm not ever brave enough to just remove myself from a situation. It's too ingrained not to be "rude" so I cant get my body to leave without telling anyone but I also cant go up and explain. And if I try to talk when I'm crying I just. Explode at the poor person.

So I texted my sister I the parking lot "need help come save"

I love my sister. I knew she'd barrel her way back there for me. 😂 and she did. But PT showed up moments before she did. She tried to get me to move on but I just shook my head. And when sissy got there I burst out with "I HAVE TO GO." at which point I started hyperventilating. OTL I confused and startled the poor PT.

Its embarrassing and I feel so fucking stupid when this shit happens. I'm a very sensitive baby bunny. 😢 I needed my sissy to come save me.

I can't function on my own..

[x-neurodivergent-reader]

Headcanons: Dhawan!Master with a touch-averse companion

A/N: Hi! This is a new blog, dedicated to writing fics with neurodivergent reader inserts! I’m just focusing on autistic!readers right now, but am planning to expand to other neurodivergences in the future. This post was supposed to have headcanons for the 13th Doctor as well as the Master, but this ended up getting a bit long, so I’ll upload the Doctor’s separately once I finish them. My writing’s a little rusty, but I hope you enjoy this!

The reader here is gender-neutral.

Content warnings: Death mentions (...come on, it’s the Master), one mention of a meltdown.

The Master is more able to handle physical contact than the Doctor, but there are a lot less instances in which he'd actually allow it.

In any case, when you first fliched as he got a little too close to you while explaining his plans, it was shortly after he’d kidnapped you invited you into his TARDIS. He just assumed that it was because you were scared of him. He grinned to himself, thinking that he could use that to exert some control over you.

When he saw you react similarly to others trying to touch you, however, he realised that it wasn't just him. He had found it a little disappointing at the time, but now he's just relieved.

He had grown to genuinely like you - not that he'd admit it - so he would be more disappointed if he'd thought you were still intimidated by him now, even though he doesn't get into your personal space much anymore.

And, finally, you know what else is disappointing to him?

The fact that you won't let him use the TCE on anyone who gets too close to you.

"I saw how they made you feel back there, just let me-"

"Master, I said no."

He might still use it behind your back at first, but he grows to respect your wishes more over time.

Instead, he comes up with some rather... unique reasons to tell people why they shouldn't get into your personal space.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you - their skin is toxic to your species."

"Their species melts when exposed to body heat - bones and all."

"Oof - you're lucky they didn't explode, there. It's a defence mechanism for when they feel their group is in danger - this is the 8th human I've had because of it."

You can't always tell whether you find this hilarious or disturbing, but at least it does the job.

Aside from that, when you two have to separate to achieve one of his goals, the Master will often have you do something that doesn't involve being too close to other people, if possible.

It's often behind-the-scenes things, when he trusts that you won't get caught. Anything where nobody is likely to get into your personal space, and especially nothing where they'd do it enough to lead you into a meltdown.

For all his flaws, he genuinely does value your safety, so he always makes sure that you'll be all right.

If you become more comfortable with physical contact over time...

The first time you let him touch you was when the two of you were trying to run back to his TARDIS during an especially dangerous - and borderline traumatic - adventure. You were starting to fall behind, so he grabbed your hand to help you keep up.

"It's OK", he said, as he noticed the surprised expression on your face, "we'll be back soon!"

Once you were inside, he immediately let go, running to the console to get you both out of there.

Afterwards, he was trying his hardest to figure out how to apologise to you without directly apologising to you, when he saw you start to approach him. You spoke before he could think of what to say.

"Can I ask you something?" You were fiddling with the hem of your shirt, and the Master wondered why you were so nervous. Was it really that bad for you...?

"Go on."

"Would it be OK if I hugged you?"

He looked back at you with wide eyes - not because he was opposed, necessarily, since the two of you had known each other for quite a while at this point. It was more because it had caught him very off-guard.

He hasn't hugged anyone in years - and never in this body, as far as he could recall - so the idea of doing it with you had his mind racing with different thoughts and feelings about the idea.

Were you being serious? How does he go about this? What if he did it wrong and made you uncomfortable again?

When you sighed and apologised, he realised that he had been thinking about it for too long. He mentally tried to convince himself that it wasn't a big deal, before sighing dramatically, stopping you in your tracks.

"Ugh, fine." He said, holding out his arms unenthusiastically. "But make it quick."

When you approached him again, reluctantly wrapping your arms around his shoulders, it felt like his mind couldn't comprehend all the feelings rushing into it.

Whether it was because he hadn't been touched like this in so long, or because it was coming from you, he couldn't help savouring it, no matter how much he tried not to.

Despite supposedly being the one who wanted to make it brief, when he relaxed and embraced you back, he felt like he never wanted to let you go.

[berrymarais]

Bullied at Target for not making sufficient eye contact!

I hadn’t gone grocery shopping for two months because big noisy (and *ahem* affordable) grocery stores are very stressful places to be and I would so much more like to spend my time online or watching Megamind or Sailor Moon Crystal.  But even I can’t live on just rice and beans forever.  So I planned to “swing through” the Target on my way home from brunch at my parents’ house.  

My shopping list was long.  I needed eggs and butter and apples and pretty much ALL THE THINGS, and filled my cart.  Then I steered this heaped up shipping-vessel-on-tiny-spinning-wheels to the farthest, most deserted register at check-out. 

I tried to place each food item on the conveyor belt in such a way to make it easier for the cashier to reach and scan.  And I said, “Hello” and probably, “How are you today?” because I always do that.  I want to be nice at check-out.  

The cashier asks me what I’m having for Easter brunch.  I tell her I actually had Easter brunch today (Saturday) at my parents.  But I am overwhelmed by the sensory overload that is Target and I stumble on my words.  I think I probably said something like, “I ... brunch was today ... at Mom and Dad’s.  For Easter.”

I get about 4/5 of the items out of my cart and onto the belt, when the cashier suddenly says to me, “I’m sorry, you have too many items.  I can’t take anymore for this transaction.”

And I thought she was serious.  I said, “Oh?  I’m so sorry, I ... I didn’t know.”  And I’m looking at the remaining items in my cart and wondering if I’m supposed to leave them in there, take them to another register, or place them with the others on the belt.  For a moment I think the cashier is signaling for a manager to assist, so I wait. 

The cashier says, “There’s supposed to be a ten-item limit here.”

I look up at the lighted sign over the register and I don’t see anything that indicates a 10-item limit.  So I say, “I don’t see a sign.  Is there supposed to be a sign?”  At this point I’m very confused.  I’m already in sensory overload just from being inside a Target for over an hour.  And now I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with the remaining items in my cart.  I stand there, hoping her manager will help us.

That’s when she says to me, “I’m joking.”  And continues to scan the items. 

So I say, “I couldn’t tell.” Which is generally true in these situations.  I am very slow to figure out when people are messing with me, unless I know them (and their particular flavor of humor) well.  Then the cashier starts complaining to me.  She’s like, “You’re not even looking at me.  Look at my face.  You see me smiling if you look at my face.”

At this point I can feel myself start to shake.  This social transaction is not going well.  Golldarnit, I’m 53 for goodness sake and I’m shaking like I’m back in the freaking 6th grade.  So I straight up say to her, “I’m autistic and eye contact is very hard for me.”  I am not used to advocating for my neurodivergence needs but I decided in this case it needed to be said.

Then she says, “Is it really hard? But you should smile.  You’re not smiling.  Let’s see a smile.”

Inside I’m like, “Are you ******* kidding me?” But words are not making the leap from brain to mouth at this point.  Now I can feel tears starting.  I am about to CRY AT TARGET.  This cannot be happening.  I splutter something about being uncomfortable.  I think she apologizes at this point; I really don’t think she was intending to be mean.

She asks me what I had for Easter brunch.  OK, I should be able to answer that, right?  I start out, “Ham ...”  Brain slows down.  “... cheesy potatoes ...”  Brain stops.  I cannot remember what I just ate a few hours ago.  Dognabbit.  I’m tapping my fingers, as if that will restart the brain.  She says, “It was good, whatever it was, right?”  I nod.

Using the credit card reader feels like I’m trying to launch the Space Shuttle.  Every button I press with extreme deliberateness, like I am going to mess something up that will cause Target to explode.

Minutes later I’m hauling my groceries out of there, feeling like the weirdest, clumsiest, most socially inept being on the planet.

I have to say, my experiences at Target do not usually feel this awkward.  *sigh*  I am thankful I have food.  I am thankful I can live independently.  I am thankful I survived infant meningitis with most of my higher functions intact.  So I walk funny and I tic.  And sometimes I can’t word.  With the mouth.  And most of my closest friends are anime characters.  But I’m glad to be alive, glad to be in fandom, and very very thankful for all the younger people out there who DO self advocate.  You guys show me that it’s all right to tell people when I’m uncomfortable in a situation.  

And that there needs to be more awareness of the needs of autistic people and that we shouldn’t just be told all the time to act like we’re not autistic.  ‘Cause no matter how hard I try, I will always be that weird lady in Target who walks funny and makes strange movements with her head, who stares too long at the Cheerios (so many varieties!), and who places her food items on the conveyor belt with the deliberateness and care of a Tetris master.  Please be patient with me. And if you want me to smile, give me a reason.  (Hint: Ask me what shows or movies I currently like.  I will light up like a Christmas tree.)

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (system in progress) + burnt badger secondary (really loud bird model)

Howdy! I’m still trying to figure out my own houses and was wondering if you could provide some insight. I haven’t exactly mastered the system so I don’t know how accurate/inaccurate my claims are, so bear with me.

The “why”/Primary: I am extremely motivated by knowledge. I want to know things, not just out of intrinsic curiosity (though that does play a role), but because knowing why things work helps me protect myself more effectively.

One of the trickiest things about this system is separating motivation from method. Because yeah, they are related, but they're also really different. Like this example: "I protect myself by learning things." That's a how, that's secondary stuff. (Bird secondary of course.)

A recent example is this— a group of my former friends all ditched me because I discussed a heavily stigmatized mental disorder that I show symptoms of. And my first response (other than bawling) was to ask them why. And when I got the answer, I was hurt, but I understood. I don’t say this for you to show me pity, but rather because it illustrates this model in action.

This is a really interesting example. Your friends acted in a way that emotionally hurt you. First you processed your feelings (which you talk about in a dismissive, lighthearted, jokey way) then you asked them for more information... which hurt you, but also made you more secure. This is very Bird primary. You feel feelings, but they're whatever. What actually bothers you is not having the data.

(I suspect you're going to end up being a Double Bird. And Double Birds are unique in that their morality and problem-solving are SO interconnected, that they think I'm crazy for saying that for most people, they are in fact two very different things.)

When I got the why and processed my emotions, I cut off ties and realized that their severe judgy-ness had hindered my life for 2 years. And now that I know the “why”, I won’t bring up said disorder again until I know it’s safe. It might never be, but I still have hope.

You updated your system, and you cut away the parts that aren't serving you anymore. Bird primary.

Morally-speaking, I am very sensitive to the views of others around me.

External primary.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s a detriment.

A lot of Birds feel this way. It's a big part of why they tend to like Lion primaries. Lions are much more able to dismiss things with "sounds like that's a them problem."

I won’t go into details, but my parents are… bad. Not wholly, but they are bad. I’ve tried for years, and still do, to escape their opinions because I know it’ll influence mine.

Parents are sticky. They do that. I've been a happily UnBurnt Lion primary for a while now... but I still sometimes hear that voice in my head that sounds like my mother.

And, much like them, I tend to get over-passionate in what I stand for. Unlike them, I’m willing to change if evidence supports this change. I always, however, carry the burden of my former hatred. I always feel guilt over my old beliefs. Even if I’ve changed, the pain I’ve done can never be reversed. And this guilt eats me alive, this shame of being fundamentally wrong.

Okay. You got really emotional on me really quickly here. This could mean a couple things. Your parents sound like fairly toxic Idealists, either Exploded Lions or Exploded Birds (I'm sort of leaning Lion due to the more emotion-heavy words like "passion" and "hatred.") Birds can feel bad, feel guilt, feel shame when looking back at an older version of themselves that they now consider morally repugnant. (Birds are human.) Idealists struggle with the angst of worrying that they are fundamentally wrong about the world. So you could be a guilty Bird, especially if your emotions feel wrong or unhelpful somehow. But you could also be a very Burnt Lion modeling Bird - because Bird seems safer, and you don't want to be a Lion the way your parents are.

When the friend-event happened, I thought that I was in the wrong, and that I had once again fucked myself over because of my passion and sureness in what I have.

"I thought I was wrong because I was acting like an Exploded Lion primary." Yeah, I'm thinking there's some sort of outside influence here that needs to be unpacked.

It took a lot of convincing and evidence for me to see that they were the assholes (albeit I wasn’t pure either— I was their friend, after all).

I'm definitely leaning Bird for you. A bird surrounded by Lions maybe, who sometimes uses Lion terminology. But Bird.

I am a planner and system-lover at heart. I’m not proud of it, but it’s just part of me.

What's with all this negative language? Being a planner and a system-lover is a wonderful thing to be. There's some Burning here.

The caveat— I have autism, so I’m not sure if it’s due to that or not. Hence the shortness of this section. Take it as you will, regardless of if it’s evidence or not.

I have autism and I'm a Lion Badger. People are different. The only real pattern I've observed is the way nerodivergent people disproportionately build Bird secondaries as coping strategies.

Honesty is maybe not the best policy, it’s still an admirable one. I wish, frankly, that my moral system was more honest. I feel like I have no set morals. That it all comes from elsewhere. Lion primaries have this set, intrinsic morality that I envy. My friend is a lion primary, and while my views have radically changed, hers haven’t inched. She’s always been honest about herself and what she holds true.

I'm doubling down on Bird primary for you. This is the perspective of a Bird looking in on a Lion. Lion morality isn't set or intrinsic - it's built, and it changes, but it builds and changes differently than a Bird's does (more slowly, usually). But there really is a pattern of Birds seeing it as more moral/easier/better.

And I’m still trying to figure out what “truth” means to me. I mean, yes, I’m a dry and blunt asshole, but that’s not really the same as gut morality. Internal honesty is what I want, and external honesty is what I have to some extent.

It sounds that you are going though a lot of very intense shifts in your life right now. You've got a diagnosis that has you questioning your place in the world. You've followed your parent's system all you life, and are now deciding that you don't want that. But now comes deciding what you do want, and that's a lot harder (especially for a Bird, who has to build it from the ground up.) You like the way Lions do things, but Lion primaries do not feel accessible.

I’m very clear with who I like. I can admit their faults, and even get annoyed or angry at them, but not even betrayal can stop me from loving them. I’d compare myself to the Twelfth Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders in that regard.

So maybe you are building a system with very Snake values.

Loyalty is one of my weaknesses. I get overly-attached to people, and so if/when they leave me, it shatters my world. But my brand of loyalty is mostly to people, not philosophical ideas.

... but you're not *really* comfortable with Snake either, if you consider it to be a "weakness."

I would consider myself somewhat philosophical (well, as much as a fucking teenager can be)

Teenagers are *extremely* philosophical, stop being so down on yourself.

but I can be somewhat vague in my beliefs.

Because you're still building them, give yourself a *second.*

If I were to rate the likelihood of what primary I think I am, it’s something like this:

Bird: 9/10 probability (maybe burned)

Snake: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability (maybe burned)

Lion: 2/10 probability

What is it with Birds and numbered lists?

The “how”: I feel like I change in order to fit in. I mean, to some extent, we all do, but it’s far more drastic for me. With the lion primary friend, I act as a “Jason Todd” to their Batman. I challenge them, egg them on, crack jokes and become violently passionate and act like a nerd, and she simply watches, usually adding her own comments but mostly sitting on the sidelines by choice. We also joke that I’m the Ferris Bueller to their Cameron Frye. But, with another friend, I’m a parent figure. I listen most of the time, and sometimes jump in with creative ideas and we talk for hours about it.

I'm guessing Actor Bird, both because you can specifically list out the qualities that you "act" out. And because you're invoking and basing your performance off specific [fictional] characters. Which is a HUGE Actor Bird thing.

I go with the flow of a given situation as best as I can (with the added caveat of being autistic, because that does affect how well I can read a room). However, that’s where the adaptation ends.

Huh. I'm hearing Burnt secondary language here. "I'd like to go with the flow and read the room - but I can't, because I'm autistic." You can definitely *learn* how to read a room. Why do you think I'm so interested in (and good at :) personality systems? This is how I learned to use my Courtier Badger. I used to model Bird secondary like crazy, and I kind of don't bother anymore. I don't need the training wheels.

Planning: like I stated before, I’m a planner. I try to learn the most about a situation before jumping in. Sometimes, however, I stall the inevitable and miss my chance, so I jump in and wind up nearly drowning. And this dichotomy repeats. I overcompensate for a lack of knowledge in a situation by micromanaging, or I wind up sitting bored when I’ve already done everything I need to do. And yes, stress and boredom are equally as destructive for me. I try so hard to plan to avoid both of these outcomes, but it only works half the time. So, I guess I’m a bit of a “planster” overall.

I want to learn about a situation... but sometimes I "stall" or "drown" (Burnt language.) But planning also leads to "micromanaging" and "getting bored" (model language.) I think you've got a really loud Bird secondary model... but there might be something else underneath.

Collecting things is fun. Postcards, candles, lighters, crystals, rocks, 1940s hats, knowledge, stories, music, (original) characters, the list goes on. I’m a collector of whatever I can get my hands on. Hell, by this point, I can’t tell what’s my special interest and what I just enjoy (again, autism).

Oh my goodness gracious 'my special interest' and 'what I enjoy' are not two different categories!

But my systems and collections are my coping.

Figured.

I can’t say, though, that they hold any weight outside of emotional release. There’s nothing practical about knowing how they shot The Outsiders movie, or how crows have a flat tail and ravens have two main sections on theirs. All of this knowledge almost feels useless to me. I mean, sure, I’m great at school, but what else? Nothing, it seems like. And being good at school and nothing else makes a person go crazy when they can’t achieve their academic goals. But that’s a bit besides the point— I’m a collector, but I’m unsure how well this really fits into a secondary beyond a model.

Bird secondary model.

I invest in others more than I care to admit.

Oh man, are you a Badger secondary like me?

I genuinely believe in the goodness in humans, no matter how impossible it becomes. Even those who I don’t see any good in aren’t wholly evil. My perception isn’t law.

^ That's primary stuff. Maybe a more Badger-flavored system is going to work better for you than a Snake-flavored one.

But some people trust me: with their secrets, with homework, with relationship issues, with their religious struggles. And I try to help. I might not be good with it, but I do try to help as best I can.

Kinda sounds like a Badger secondary.

I use my planning and my categorizing skills and my knowledge to benefit others. I show up, I do what I need to do, and I don’t usually expect much to come of it. It’s nice when something does, but it’s not expected. And sometimes, these investments into others' lives and grades and relationships do pay off. I make friends. Those friends stick by me, and I trust them. I continue to invest in others, because I am a lover even though I’m cynical.

I think you're a Badger secondary.

And when that trust is broken, like the example in the beginning, I go to people who won’t abandon me to get a second opinion. When I say that I love someone, I mean it. So it hurts when they leave. It always does.

Oh that's your friends leaving hit you so hard. It's not an abstract morality thing at all, it's practical. You're a Badger secondary, and they were your base of support.

I’ll be frank on this— I’m almost entirely sure that I’m not a lion secondary. I’m fiercely efficient and some people see me as a good leader, but that’s it.

Lion and Badger are the two Inspirational secondaries. They're the one who sort of manage to collect armies or families as a side effect of existing.

Even with the leader example, I prefer interpersonal relations or to be alone. I’m not a big fan of group settings.

That's fair. I am also a Badger who really, really likes my own company. Or small groups of interesting people.

If I were to rate the likelihood of what secondary I am, it’s like this:

Bird: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability

Snake: 5/10 probability

Lion: 0/10 probability

Other systems for comparison: I’m aware that MBTI and enneagram are, at worst, pseudo-science, but I still enjoy them regardless. At best, they’re fun self-help tools, and that’s how I try to use them.

MBTI: INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Enneagram: 5w4, tritype 514

Sagittarius sun libra moon cancer rising in astrology

FLEV or LFEV in attitudinal psyche

sx/sp (sexual and self-preservation) in instinctual variants

MBTI, Enneagram, and astrology are all fun in their own ways. (I don't actually know the last two!) And I can talk about them on their own terms. But this system was the best, and the most useful, when I went looking for words to describe myself.

I hope this is enough information, and thank you again if you do happen to do this! If you don’t, that’s totally okay. Have a good day!

Thank you for writing in. That was a journey! Thanks @thesketchykid for the submission.

[star-anise]

I don't know if this is crossing boundaries to ask so feel free to ignore, but do you have any advice for someone with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, an intolerance for ambiguity and a history of social ostracization / access to the In-Group being dependent on Some Unsafe Shit for figuring out where one stands with an online social circle? Like, if one really feels like they're being neglected / put on a shelf, but doesn't know how to address it without receiving platitudes that it's not

(insecurity ask cont.) Really that bad / wasn't intentional / sure they still LIKE one they just kept happening to be busy at the time - etc. Basically figuring a way through the situation if one doesn't want to do what the Anxiety wants, which is cut run and self isolate, but doesn't find the allistic normative reassurance of "oh no we really do want you around sweaty : )" reassuring or helpful in the least.

This is a live topic of discussion in my friend-groups, since my close social circle is like 95% people with a history of being bullied, serious brainweasels* around social shit and rejection, ASD and/or ADHD, and seriously geeky social skills. So my response is not like, “We have a Method! It works! I’m patenting it!” nearly so much as “Um... this is what seems not to have exploded too badly so far.” And I’m answering this publicly rather than privately because other people have useful things to contribute too. 

*(Brainweasel = little nasty thing that eats your brain)

(Like seriously if anyone DOES have A Method I’m all ears because I still do the self-isolation self-destruct way too easily)

Anyway. THE GOOD STUFF (which got really long):

I’ve personally found that it helps to make it really clear to people that if something is wrong, I want to know. I literally say, “My personal definition of Hell is when I think I’m having a happy fun time with a friend who is enjoying themselves, but in reality, I’m annoying them and they secretly resent me for it. Please don’t put me in that situation.”  It’s kind of the opposite of asking for validation--it’s trying to reduce my own emotional hypervigilance, and also shifting the burden of dealing with the problem to the other person. Now, if they find me annoying, they have to do something about it--either spend less time with me, or let me know what’s up.

Asking for things and saying “No is an okay answer!”

Being open about my wants and needs while also letting people know how much I’m willing to compromise. “I don’t know what anybody else is feeling, but for dinner I have a mild preference for pizza,” or “I’m in the kind of mood where I basically want someone to talk to about this creative project for an hour in a really intense, informed, and interested way that also doesn’t step on my creative vision’s toes, or I don’t want to talk about it at all. So unless someone really wants to talk about it, how’s the weather?”

If you can find people who are geeks about feelings and have done a lot of introspection and can be very honest, and basically didn’t think that Twitter thread about asking friends for consent for emotional labour was a bad thing? That’s probably going to help, since when you’re all in the middle of dealing with moderate-to-severe brainweasels that is the kind of wrangling that needs to happen.

Hacking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, if you can do it. I’ve had to explain to several people now: DBT is fundamentally about trying to unlearn you from a system of If I Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out, to having a more flexible, more adaptive set of skills that you can see in a kind of pro/con fashion and decide which of life’s sucky parts you’d rather deal with because it gets you your preferred set of upsides. The problem is: DBT kind of presents itself as a system of If You Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out! So especially for my Autistic friends, doing DBT, while useful, involves considerable arguing with the system, deciding which of it works for you and which of it doesn’t, and hacking it apart and rearranging it in your own idiosyncratic way. This isn’t actually failing to do DBT, it’s using the methods DBT teaches you on DBT itself. 

Finding a therapist who can treat baseline-neurodivergent LGBTQ+ nerds with complex trauma IS difficult, but not impossible. Not every therapist can do it. (I personally am considering giving up finding one in my city, and making use of the temporary relaxation of restrictions on distance practice across jurisdictional boundaries thanks to COVID-19 and phoning up my old therapist a province over.) If you can’t get a personal recommendation, I recommend literally cold-emailing about a half-dozen likely suspects from Psychology Today or Theravive and asking them, “Do you have any training or experience in treating [geeks/adults with complex trauma/queer people/whatever has made therapists act like cats with boots on around you before]?”

To wildly veer back to your original question

Imagine something that someone could do for you that would make you feel warm and loved. Something that would take a minute or less to do. When you’re feeling unloved, say “I’m feeling down, could anyone do [this thing] for me?” That’s literally why I ask people to show me cat pictures--I have times when I feel sad and alone and like the entire world hates me, and that’s a VERY big feeling for anyone to step in and fill, so instead? I ask for cat pics.

This, I should add, required going back into my trauma memories and deprogramming the origin of my Nice Things Are Evil Poison If I Asked The Person To Be Nice To Me brainweasel. Which is part of why I’m so insistent on asking people not to put me in my personal Hell situation.

Like, sometimes with my clients, we literally create a restaurant menu of Things People Could Do If They Wanted To Be Nice To Me, ranging from cheap $5 items like cat pics and memes to $200 bottles of wine that would be getting married and taking out a mortgage together. Sometimes we talk Love Languages just to go through several different sensory modalities. Then, if creating that menu wasn’t scary enough, they start telling their friends what’s on the list. “I really like things with dragons on them” or "I love to know when somebody’s thinking of me even when I’m not there” or “I really wish I had someone to watch movies with”. This reduces the cognitive load if somebody wants to reach out to you but doesn’t know how.

Relatedly: If you’re in a bad mood and doing something to self-regulate, you might consider letting people know what’s going on. People who are merely being civil might interpret “I’m feeling terrible about myself today” as “You are now socially obligated to blow smoke up my ass”; moderating the statement with a positive attempt to make things better, like “I’m focusing on my shoes a lot today because I feel like crap but they make me happy” or “I’m going to go try to shake this awful mood with Netflix” removes that pressure because it’s a problem with a built-in solution, so they’re not socially impolite if they ignore it. If people want to be emotionally closer to you, it opens the door for them to either ask about your problem, or contribute to your solution (”Oooh, I do like those shoes”) (”Have you seen this new series?”).

Okay so

Here’s the other thing

When you’re used to the one being rejected, you can spend SO much energy trying to make relationships work, and when they don’t, you just kind of shut down and fall over

What if (if you scraped together enough spare Cope) you said to yourself, “Whatever is going on--whether it’s them, or me, or whatever--I am not getting my needs met, so I’m going to back away from them a bit and focus on finding something new? They may not be evil or bad, but I’m going to downgrade them on my priority list.”

Like I’m just saying: Think about it. Every once in a while it’s possible it isn’t your fault, but the other person... just isn’t up to being the kind of friend you need right now, and no effort of yours can improve them at this time, so you’re going to let them shape up if they can but start focusing your attention elsewhere.

I realize that’s like the social equivalent of asking a homeless person to dip into their savings and start a business. But, just... sometimes you just need better friends.

Okay, it’s 2am and I’ve run out of ideas. Anyone else?

[kadtie]

Sometimes being on Tumblr is just scrolling and having a good time.

Other times being on Tumblr is adding check marks to a long list of things I do or experience that are typically neurodivergent and going hmmm.

My spouse was not convinced a year ago when I suggested I might be autistic.

That is no longer the case. We are both fairly positive at this point.

I need to wear earplugs when we go to the movies. The theater is so much more enjoyable now that I figured that out.

Sometimes physical contact is just too much. Couldn't explain it before. Now it makes sense.

Sensory overload honestly explains so much about why I get irritable for "no reason" sometimes. Sitting in a quiet room with a soft blanket for a while fixes it every time.

Social cues. Sarcasm. Facial expressions. Hyper fixations. EYE CONTACT.

I got my ears pierced last year (for my 29th birthday) and I am SO GLAD that the place I went used a larger gauge needle because standard earrings are just so small and tiny and SHARP and I can't always find the exit hole which is freaky because that is inside my FLESH and my hand starts shaking and I don't realize I'm holding my breath until I either get it through or my vision starts doing weird things. The thicker ones just pop right through and they're done.

Textures are 90% of the reason why I don't like certain foods. Grapes do the exploding thing and I can't.

I cannot touch certain substances without being distressed. Chalk is the worst.

Spouse is constantly pointing out that I'm making weird or particular facial expressions and I have no idea what they are talking about? My face just does what my face does. I have no say.

Pretty sure my dad is autistic too. My niece was diagnosed last year and her mom (my sister) thinks she might be as well now that she has learned so much from seeing it in her own daughter.

Anyway. There is more, but I honestly didn't set out to list out my reasoning behind my discovery about myself. I just had another check mark moment because of some post or another and it's late and I should be sleeping but tired brain wanted to share.