#i am so afraid that she will find friends shell like more than me and wont want to hang out with me anymore

[jonny-b-meowborn]

My bestie is moving out for college this week and I don't know how to cope with that. I don't know how can I handle being alone again

[ash5monster01]

Hi how are you? I don't know if you are accepting requests... but if so, I would like to ask Macgyver for something

I imagine something, where the reader is jealous of Mac with Desi or Riley, and to make matters worse for the reader, one of them ends up getting hurt, and then Mac gives her his full attention? (Riley, Desi) and the reader starts to feel super insecure and super bad...

Thankss!!

first of all the fact I have a MacGyver request right now is nothing short of amazing. with the show being over for a while now the fandom has died down quite a lot and I am happy to write for him whenever. I will also be choosing Desi for this considering I’m very anti-Desi, apologies to anyone who likes her. anyways I hope you enjoy xx

Wish It Was Me

Pairing: Angus MacGyver x Fem!Reader

Warnings: jealousy, language, angst, heartache, unreciprocated feelings, fluff, happy ending (don’t worry)

Summary: After months of pretending that his behavior doesn’t bother you, you finally find yourself getting fed up and showing your heartbreak towards the boy. He uses this as an excuse to finally confront his feelings for you.

word count: 2.4k

Masterlist

Harboring a crush on the man your job required you to protect was a great work ethic tactic. In fact it was the best one you had yet. Obviously you’d protect anyone of the team but if something ever actually happened to Mac, you’d be more than upset. Quite possibly crushed. It was also a great tactic considering you were very well trained at keeping your emotions intact which meant not once had you given up the fact you had any feelings for the blonde boy at all. It was simple actually, pine for him when you were alone and protect him when you were together. Always at his 6, gun pointed and loaded. A team always and forever.

That is until Desi Nguyen came along.

Not only is she just as good as you at combat but she was also getting closer to the team and you despised that. Feelings of replacement and jealousy filling you which made you angry for experiencing such emotions at all. It started to get worse when you noticed how close Mac was getting to her. Hell when she first showed up she had caught him leaving the shower and she hadn’t been shameless about it at all. You were the only one to successfully pass her test and she acted like because of that, the two of you were friends. That made it even worse.

It started with him laughing at her jokes, then it was grabbing a coffee after work, and pretty soon it was slight touches in passing, barely noticeable, but there. It was driving you up a wall, yet you’d never show it. Not only was Mac completely clueless but Riley and Bozer as well. So when you find yourself particularly angry for being sent in the field with Mac and Desi, no one seems to pay no mind because you are a shell of stoic. Untouched by silly and childish feelings of crushes and love. You wonder if there is possibly anything that could break your cool and calm structure.

“Y/N, I need you for a minute” your heart stutters, wishing he meant it in a different way, some other way. Yet you obey, not even a glimmer of hope shining as you look in his eyes. “Hold this wire for me please”

“Better hurry guys, we’re gonna have guests soon” Desi speaks, still on guard for any unwanted visitors. You slide your gun in the holster, allowing her to cover you both as you hold the wire like Mac asked.

“Please tell me this will only blow up the bad guys and not us” you tell Mac, a sly smile on your face and he chuckles, his hand twisting with his Swiss army knife as he works on something you can’t possibly comprehend.

“I’m not making any promises” he tells you and you fight the grin that wants to crawl across your face. You want to smile at him like he hung the stars but your job was to protect, not love. Even if you wanted to you’d be afraid of doing it for competition now, even if you didn’t know how Mac felt about Desi you knew she liked him.

That point is proven when you’re interrupted by the heavy footsteps of three men. A shot is let off in the air before you have time to register that the shot was heading for Mac. Desi does her job which is the same as yours, stepping in front of the bullet, and letting it knock her to the ground. You don’t have time to think about it, you move on command, years of skill practically motorized into your being. Your gun is out your holster in seconds and you’ve shot all three men to the ground before anyone can think about it. It’s what you were built for.

“Shit Desi, are you okay?” it’s Mac’s voice that pulls you from combat mode. You turn to find he has taken position over her fallen form, both her hands and his own holding her wound tightly as she bleeds from her torso.

“Been better Mac” she tells him, voice straining like she’s clearly in pain. You see it in his eyes though. It’s what keeps you from rushing to her side as well. It was there all along and maybe he was just as good at hiding it as you or you were denial. He’s looking at her the way you would’ve looked at him if he was the one laying on that ground.

“Matty, we’re gonna need an exfil location stat. Desi has been shot” you call over on your comm’s and the worried voices from the other team members seem to make you sadder. Feeling abandoned by your team and guilty for allowing such personal feelings to make you seem so cold towards a girl who had never done anything wrong to you.

“Alright, hang in there Des. We’ll get you out of here” it’s the nickname that comes from his mouth that makes bile rise to your throat but when he cradled the girl in his arms it’s something else entirely. Pain worse than you’ve faced in the field sears through you and when Mac looks up at you, you decide it’s time to accept that this is your life now. Him and her. The real team.

What you don’t know is that Mac see’s it. The pain, it’s written clear as day across your face. It startled him for a moment because you never give anything up. A statue of a person and to see you seem so dejected is heartbreaking in a way he can’t comprehend. He knows it’s not worry for Desi, he’s sure that is inside of you somewhere, but the pain written across your face is one of longing. After months of wishing you’d reciprocate any feelings for him at all he realizes they were always there, just under the surface.

Matty pulled off an emergency extract quickly, and thankfully the debrief was quick due to worry of Desi’s condition. Everyone can tell you’re defeated, more than likely thinking it was from an unsuccessful mission. You let them, and go to your rented room in Mac’s home. For the first time in months wishing you didn’t live there. Thankful Bozer and Mac stayed back you pour yourself a heavy glass of wine, find yourself in a warm shower, and then curled on your bed in some pajamas with a book. You’re four glasses of wine deep and halfway through the book when you hear the front door open and close.

“I’m home” is called out. Mac who had been with Desi all this time. Bozer had come home hours ago, and was more than likely asleep. For the first time in a while you wished you had shut your bedroom door to avoid him, have a good night sleep in before you had to deal.

“Hey, you’re up” he’s in your doorway in seconds. You feel yourself sitting up and removing the reading glasses from your face. Mac always finds it odd seeing you like this. Curled up in a mound of blankets and pillows, the smell of fresh wine and a vanilla candle, silk sleep sets laid across your skin, hair piled high on your head. You were so soft compared to the girl in the field. The same girl he watched take down three men in lightning speed today. Now somehow you were in bed with a book. Weird how the world worked.

“Not really tired, is um. Is Desi okay?” you feel bad for not showing much interest in her well being. You just needed some time to think, some time to regain your composure.

“Last I checked yeah, I haven’t seen her for a couple of hours” he admits as he walks in. As he sits at the end of your bed you realize this isn’t uncommon. You two are still friends. No matter what you realized today.

“I thought you were with her?” you give him a puzzled look and he shrugs.

“I was, yeah. Then once I knew she was stable I went back to the Phoenix to fill out a mission report. Then Matty took advantage and got me to catch up on paperwork I’d been avoiding for a while” you can’t help the soft giggle that escapes your lips. Mac was a professional at avoiding the paperwork part of his job but every once in a while Matty could get her way.

“That’s on you for going back” you tell him and he chuckles along with you, head nodding.

“Could I ask you something?” he says once the laughter has quieted down and you find yourself getting exceptionally nervous. He can’t tell.

“Always Mac, it’s kinda my job” you tease which is true. When you were hired at the Phoenix Foundation it was literally to protect Mac in the field. You were pretty sure his name is in your exact job description.

“You’re not on the clock” he says which in a way was true but not really. It wasn’t uncommon for threats to breach your shared home, the minute that happens you’ll be protecting him then too.

“MacGyver, get to the question” you tell him even though you’d rather he walk out and never ask you any questions ever.

“Today you looked, well you never usually look like anything. But today you looked hurt, dare I say heartbroken” and you feel all the air sucked out of the room because you had shown emotions past your exterior and Mac had seen them.

“I don’t know what you mean” but you couldn’t look him in the eyes and he knew. He knew it deep in his bones.

“Look Y/N, maybe I could be wrong. That it was all just concern but if you feel anything for me the way I feel for you than that look was so much more than that” his words almost didn’t register. Your heart caught them before your head did. It was ramming against your rib cage and your head was snapping towards him because MacGyver of all people just admitted to having feelings for you.

“Feel for me?” you questioned quietly, your eyes locking on his own blue ones. You had seen Mac serious about many things before but somehow this seemed like more.

“Are you kidding me Y/N? Of course I have feelings for you. I spend all of my time with you considering we work and live together. On top of that you are always taking care of me and are the most interesting person I’ve ever met in my life. I was in love with you within a month of knowing you. Jack would always tease me about it” a small squeak left your throat at his confession. Wondering how you had never seen it before.

“Jack knew?” maybe it wasn’t the best question at the moment, but since Jack had passed it was hard to bring him up. Knowing he had passed away and there were things none of you guys got to tell him.

“Yeah, I always promised him I’d tell you how I felt one day and every day since he passed I’ve been breaking that promise more and more. So here I am not breaking it” he told you, a hand running wildly through his hair.

“What about Desi?” you wanted to make sure, needed to make sure.

“She’s just a friend. Most of the time I just flirted with her to get a reaction out of you” this was the most shocking of all. You’d expected him to say he had gained feelings for her too, but now as he sat at the end of your bed staring back at you with hopeful eyes you realized this was never the case.

“So it’s me?” you asked and a smile cracked across his face, a deep chuckle coming out as he dropped his head. His soft blonde locks dangling in front of his eyes.

“Yes Y/N. It’s always been you” he told you once he looked back up, and finally you allowed a real smile to cross your face.

“Well this is a first” you chuckled, hand reaching to grab your glass of wine. You gulped back the last sip and abandoned the empty glass, him watching you closely.

“What is?” he asked once you seemed to have your head straight.

“Having someone return the same feelings I have for them. I mean it usually never happens because I save face when it comes to emotions but here we are. You and me. In my room. Being adult and admitting things like attraction” you blabbered lightly and Mac laughed, a wide grin on his face. You suddenly had the urge to grab hold of the deep red shirt he had on, it matching the color of wine on your lips.

“So you’re admitting you like me too?” he asked and you just rolled your eyes before shoving your book out of your lap.

“Shut up and kiss me MacGyver” and he wasted no time, a devious grin crawling across his face as he moved to climb over to you. The anticipation of him getting closer seemed to take forever but finally he was face to face, arms locked on either side of you, and you took a moment to inspect every inch of him. “I have good taste”

“I do too” and then he was closing the gap between you both. Lips slotting gently against your own. His mouth was warm and soft, much different from his calloused hands. Your fingers tangled in his hair, mussing it around. Kissing him was like taking in a breath of fresh hair and pretty soon his tongue was dipping your mouth, tasting the wine left behind from your leisure afternoon. Tangling your tongue with his own you realize you could stay like this forever, just the two of you, in this room.

“It’s so not fair” you said once you broke apart, foreheads pressed together and heavy breaths panting out of both of you.

“What’s that doll?” he asked and you sighed.

“You’re good at everything else, you can’t be good at that too” and he was laughing, arms wrapping around you as he rolled over and pulled you on top of him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you what else I’m good at too”

[eilwen]

And they say romance is dead.

Joking aside, Vol. 8 further solidifies my appreciation for Meryl.

Hopefully I can put my long-winded thoughts into concise words when it comes to writing women/female characters and why I loved Meryl in the manga even when she's absent for a chunk it from Vol. 7 onward.

Good 'women/female writing', to me, is not just having more lines, more screen presence or more visibility because you can easily write a character that ticks all of those boxes and still be a shell, still be poorly written, still be misused and still fall into numerous stereotypes. Though we are seeing more female characters onscreen/on paper these days, there are still traps of 'women written by men usually for men or what they think a woman wants' with some variations (and of course some women can also find difficulty in writing women). Then there are times when women characters who are so incredible or powerful, they come off as unbelievable, as if writing a woman character is sometimes treated similarly to handling glass. Some writers are afraid to write women well, believing that it’s 'safer' to have the character be amazing and flawless than forgotten or absent (which can be problematic in a different way).

I love manga-Meryl because I know Meryl's arc, faults, growth, struggles etc.... Nightow really puts her through the ringer. We don't see her much in the later volumes once things get heavy since she's not the series' protagonist, but we learn that she has a full journey post-Colnago. Eventually she, as a person who is not super-powered in the way other characters are, assists Vash in the best way she can.

Vash is a plant, the Humanoid Typhoon, all these other labels, but he calls himself a simple gunman. So, when Meryl is the one to make sure that he has a gun despite everything she had experienced... ah, I had a lot of feelings.

Vol. 8, Ch. 3. ... God damn.

One of the best things Nightow did in Trimax was to write Meryl with doubt and fear and break her away from Vash in Vol. 6, because having a woman follow and care for a man blindly is frankly boring and adds little depth to a friendship or a relationship.

(This praise also extends to how Nightow writes Luida - but those are thoughts for some other time.)

I am also considering Meryl as one representation for humanity in Trigun Maximum's narrative. She is the ordinary person who has been unwillingly forced to witness devastation, destruction, loss etc. and is expected to continue after that. That is a difficult thing to overcome... and then to grapple with the idea of assisting that same force... I imagine that this is a very difficult responsibility. There are war films (good and bad films, from a range of nations) that touch on this theme of responsibility.

I'd like to think that real courage is understanding and overcoming a fear instead of having none.

And then in Vol. 8, Meryl does a small act. She asks someone else to help - something that Marlon later tells Vash to do (let his friends help him, I mean). Without grandeur. Kind of anti-epic. However, this small act is extraordinarily powerful because without that gun, Vash is unable to proceed.

We sometimes view power in such a black and white way when power can be asking someone else for help, trusting someone else, and not have it be about you.

Vol. 8, Ch. 5. A Marlon panel is always a good panel.

I love how Nightow illustrates this. In these panels, Vash is hearing Marlon talk about a 'guest'. Marlon never mentions Meryl's name. We know it's Meryl because we know what the back of Meryl's head looks like (and her legs, haha) but Vash is not seeing what we are seeing.

And yet, Vash knows.

[lindsey-laufeyson]

Distractions- Chapter 12

Distractions Masterlist

Pairing: Reader x FWB!Tom Hiddleston

Series Warnings: SMUT, fluff, angst, friends with benefits

Over the next three weeks, you were trying your hardest to tell yourself that Tom going to Hawaii for two months wasn’t a big deal and that it would give you a chance to really throw yourself into work, and maybe even have a chance to sleep with other people. The problem was you were finding it increasingly harder to imagine sleeping with anyone other than Tom. Maybe that’s why some distance from each other was exactly what the two of you needed. Afterall, you thought there was a good chance that Tom might end up starting something with his co-star, Evelyn Dawson, in Hawaii. She was gorgeous and single and they would be spending a lot of time together in a beautiful, tropical oasis. You were trying with all your might not to get jealous at the thought, but you were only human. What he does in Hawaii is his business, you’d tell yourself. And what I do while he’s gone is mine. 

Meanwhile, as Tom was between jobs, he was clearly bored. He texted you while you were at work almost everyday, and he fucked you like an animal almost every night. It was as if he was making damn sure you would miss him when he was gone, and unfortunately, it was working. 

“Oh yeah, right there. Right there! That’s it! Fuck!” you moaned as he thrusted up into you from behind. It was early morning. You and Tom had woken up spooning, and before you knew it, his cock was sliding into your pussy, and making you cum in no time. Morning quickies had become sort of a regular thing for the two of you, and you weren’t complaining.

“F-fuck!” He groaned your name as he came along with you, his breath fanning the shell of your ear. When his hips finally stilled, you checked the time on your phone.

“Shit,” you huffed. “I have to get up.” With a sigh, you sat up and pulled the covers off of you.

“I hate when you leave immediately after sex,” Tom said as his arm wrapped around your waist.

You turned and leaned down, bringing your face close to his. “Then don’t have sex with me on mornings when I have to work.”

“Then don’t turn me on so much in the mornings.”

You chuckled. “I’ll try my best not to.”

“No you won’t.”

“No I won’t.” You gave him a cheeky grin as you kissed him once more, before getting up and getting ready for work.

Your new job was nothing compared to the last, as you had expected. Yes, special effects makeup was much more fun, and you had a large team to work with to accommodate a much larger cast, but Tom wasn’t there to brighten your day like he’d always done. Still, you could always count on a text.

Before you knew it, it was the night before Tom’s flight to Hawaii, and you had to work later than usual. You’d had an exhausting day, and your body was telling you to go to bed, but you were hoping to spend one more night with him before he left. As if on cue, he texted you as you were leaving work.

“Tom?” you called when you let yourself into his place. 

“In the bedroom,” you heard him reply.

Cutting right to the chase then are we? you thought with a smile as you made your way to his bedroom. What you walked in on, however, wasn’t quite what you had in mind. Tom was sitting on the floor in front of his suitcase, surrounded by clothes. “Wait, you actually called me over here to help you pack?”

“Yes,” he chuckled.

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Not for sex?”

“I’m afraid not.”

You threw your hands up in exasperation. “Well that was misleading!”

“I literally asked you if you wanted to help me pack,” he defended, with a hint of amusement in his voice. 

“I thought it was a euphemism,” you explained in aggravation. “I also thought you’d be packed already! You leave tomorrow!”

“I’m well aware of that, darling. That’s why I asked for your help.”

“How the hell am I supposed to help you pack?” You asked as you flopped down onto his bed on your stomach.

“I dunno,” he shrugged. “Make sure I don’t over or under pack? Mainly just keep me company?”

Resting your chin on your folded arms at the edge of the bed, you shot him a look of annoyance. “So what I’m hearing is that I didn’t need to come over at all.”

“Come on, Y/n,” he implored. “This is my last night in London for a while. Humor me?” He looked at you with those puppy dog eyes you just couldn’t resist. 

You rolled your eyes and huffed in frustration. “You know I should just leave in order to punish you for procrastinating…”

“But…?” Tom said hopefully.

“But I guess if I want to get laid I ought to stick around,” you teased. 

“What a kind and generous friend you are.”

“Anything for you, love.” You gave him a wink and he shook his head and laughed.

Tom didn’t finish packing for another couple of hours, probably twice as long as it would have taken had you not been there to distract him, and you felt yourself beginning to get tired. After he finally put all of his luggage by the front door and joined you back in the bedroom, you attempted to fight back a yawn, but he caught you.

“If you’re too tired, we can just go to sleep, sweetheart,” he suggested as he sat down next to you on the bed, putting his hand on your thigh.

“Absolutely not,” you protested, shaking your head. You draped your arms around his neck, a stern expression on your face. “You’re going to fuck me one last time whether you like it or not, Hiddleston.” 

He laughed as he brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. “Darling, I’m going away for a couple of months, I’m not dying.”

“You know what I mean.” As you leaned in to kiss him, another yawn snuck up on you. “Fuck. Just ignore that.”

Tom chuckled again. “Lay down.”

“I’m not going to sleep.”

“I didn’t say that you were.” He raised his eyebrows at you with an expectant smirk. 

“Okay…” you replied suspiciously. “Can I take my clothes off first?”

“Please,” he agreed. He watched as you stood up to remove your clothes, taking your time and enjoying his gaze while he undressed as well.

Once your clothes were gone, you laid down on the bed like he requested, gesturing for him to join you.  He looked down at you with hooded lids and smiled as he crawled to hover over you, immediately capturing your lips in a slow, but deep kiss. You sighed as you ran your fingers through his hair.

Eventually his lips made their way to your ear. “Now just relax and let me have my way with you, okay, sweetheart?”

With your eyes closed, you simply replied with a contented sigh, melting into the mattress as Tom began to place slow, languid kisses to your neck. Occasionally, he’d suck on just the right spots to rouse you just enough from your deep state of relaxation to usher a breathy moan from your lungs. The fire of your arousal was battling the heavy blanket of your exhaustion, and you thought for a moment that the latter might just win, feeling like you were on the brink of unconsciousness, until you felt Tom’s tongue suddenly flick against your clit. Your eyes flew open as you gasped and arched your back. You looked down at Tom who gave you a devilish grin before diving back into your wet pussy. With one hand tangled in his curls and the other gripping the sheets, you bucked your hips, grinding against his face. 

“Someone’s awake now,” Tom teased, lifting his head.

“Shut up and finish me off,” you panted, pushing his head back down. Vibrations coursed through you as he chuckled against your cunt. He continued to lick and suck as if he was savoring your taste, and it was driving you mad, but in the best way. “Don’t stop! Please, don’t stop,” you whined, writhing uncontrollably underneath him. But he did. As soon as you reached the edge, he released your throbbing clit from his mouth and crawled back up to you. Before you could protest, however, he kissed you as the tip of his cock, hard and leaking precum, took the place of his tongue, rubbing against your clit and pushing you over the edge instantly. You moaned into his mouth while he continued kissing you passionately through your orgasm. 

Once you’d finished, Tom finally parted his lips from yours and quickly reached for a condom. After rolling it on, he smiled down at you in a way that told you the night was far from over.

…

After a long night of amazing sex, you were only able to get a few hours of sleep before you heard Tom’s voice whisper softly in your ear. “Y/n? Sweetheart?” You groaned sleepily and buried your face in his chest. He stroked your hair for a moment before speaking again. “What am I going to do without you for two months?”

“Find someone else to pester when they’re trying to sleep?” you grumbled against his chest, which began to shake with laughter. 

“And who will you cuddle with in the mornings?” he asked, his finger lightly tracing the outline of your shoulder blades. 

“I can make a few calls.”

“If that’s a joke, it’s not funny.”

“I’m funnier when I’m awake.”

“Are you though?”

“If you think I won’t kick you out of your own bed, you are highly bloody mistaken.”

He laughed and hugged you tight against him. “My, you are quite grumpy this morning.”

“Oh, bugger off to Hawaii, why don’t you.”

He pulled away slightly in an attempt to look at you. “Is that why you’re being such a bear? Because I’m leaving today?”

“No,” you mumbled unconvincingly as you tried to hide your face further.

He lifted your chin to look at him. “I’ll miss you too, Sweets,” he cooed with a smile as he leaned down to kiss you.

“Text me when you get on the plane,” you told him when your lips parted.

“I will.”

“And when you land… at every layover too. Otherwise I’ll worry you’ve died in a horrible crash.”

“Tread lightly, darling, or I might just think you care about me,” he teased.

You propped yourself up on your elbow and looked down at him. “Of course I care about you, you idiot!”

“I know, but now I’ve gotten you to admit it.” You both grinned as you kissed him again, this time rolling on top of him and slipping your tongue in his mouth. He hummed with approval as his hands roamed your body. Before the two of you could go any further, however, Tom’s alarm went off. “Fuck,” he huffed, breaking the kiss to silence his phone. “I’m so sorry, darling.”

With a groan you rolled off of him and sat up in bed. “Just as well,” you sighed, rubbing your eyes, as Tom got up to get dressed. “I need to go home and get some sleep anyway, because someone kept me up all night.”

“Oh no you don’t,” he argued as he pulled his trousers on. “I gave you every opportunity to go to sleep, but you kept begging me to fuck you again and again.”

“Excuse me,” you protested as you got up to get dressed as well. “I do not beg!”

He rolled his eyes playfully. “Fine. Demanded.” 

“Okay, I’ll give you that, but only the first time! You were the one who wanted to keep going after that.”

“As I recall,” he began as he hooked his finger in the waistband of your leggings and pulled you close to him. “You weren’t exactly complaining, my dear.” With his hands on your waist, he smirked down at you as he slowly leaned in

Feigning a look of disapproval, you shook your head. “Don’t you kiss me again, Thomas Hiddleston, or you might just miss your plane.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he replied softly, bringing his lips to yours. 

Just before he made contact, however, you pressed a finger to his lips. “I’m leaving before you make this more difficult than it already is.” 

He sighed, looking deflated as he drew back. “Can I at least get a hug goodbye?” 

“I suppose.” You wrapped your arms around his neck while he squeezed you tightly around your waist, burying his face in the crook of your neck. 

“I’ll see you soon, Sweets,” he muttered against your skin. You felt a lump form in your throat and your vision began to blur with tears.

Nope, you told yourself, you are not going to cry. You blinked back the tears and swallowed hard. “Be good, Tommy boy,” you said, giving his back a pat before pulling away. 

He chuckled slightly. “I’ll try my best.” And after exchanging solemn smiles, you left. Only making it to your car before your traitorous tears began to fall.

Taglist: @chronicallybubbly, @the-princess-of-loki, @princess-ofthe-pages, @darcylikesloki, @kikster606, @foxherder

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

Changes chapter 45

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Series masterlist

The second she had run out of the house, Julie flew up into the sky. She didn't care if she was seen and if some mortal would freak out. She was freaked out.

She had recognised Lucy, vaguely at first, but the more the woman had talked te more familiar she'd seem. And then, of course, there was the boy she had recognised as Sam. Sam, who she remembered, from the summer camp Michael had talked to her about. Sam who seemed to know about vampires and how to recognise them. Sam, who seemed more than ready to reveal their true nature to everyone.

As she landed on the roof of Max' house, she pulled her legs up, leaning her head on her knees. Only then, when she was sitting there alone, thinking about all that had happened the past weeks, did she dare to let the tears flow.

She cried, thick, bloody tears streaming down her face. Her eyes were bloodred as she looked up at the shadow looming over her.

"Dwayne?"

Maria stood in front of the grave, a fresh bouquet of flowers in her hands. "I'm sorry, Shell," she said quietly, placing the flowers on the marble headstone. "It shouldn't have been you. You saved me in there."

She was quiet for a moment, gathering her thoughts.

"I'm going to try and take this company down. They'll burn for what they did to us. You'll be remembered," she added with a soft sigh. "I just hope you find more peace in your next life."

With those words, she left the grave behind, stepping into her car. She had a job to do.

"Is she alright?" Lucy asked as she sent her son and his friends upstairs.

"This was probably a bit much for her," Max said with an apologetic smile. "She's been through a lot, and sometimes that means her instincts will go in over drive."

"I don't know what happened to her, but I am quite certain that she is my niece. I want to make sure she is, before I inform my sister."

Max nodded, wondering quietly whether or not vampire dna would even work in a dna test.

"I'll ask her if she's okay with that." He brought the last plates to the kitchen, opening the tab and getting some dish soap. Lucy was about to protest, but by seeing his determined look, she decided not to. Instead, she grabbed the towel so she could dry the cleaned dishes.

"What was she like before all this?" Max asked, as he placed a soapy cup on the counter.

"She's always been a bit quiet, but she did have a, well, you know, quite a temper, pulling pranks. She knew how to have fun. Oh, and she was such a wonderful singer!"

Max smiled, a hint of sorrow apparent in it. Not once had he heard her sing, not even after returning her voice.

"She also liked cooking. Whenever she stayed with me, she'd always love to help."

"I'm afraid she's not longer like that," Max said honestly, looking at Lucy. "The people who took her, they broke her. They took a lot from her. It's been almost a year now since I fostered her, and she's come very far in that time."

Lucy nodded. "You're a good man, Max. Not many would do what you did."

"I'm certain you'd do the exact same thing, Lucy."

The woman blushed, a shy smile on her face. "Well..."

Max grinned, looking at her. "May I propose that we'll have dinner again, tomorrow. At my place. I believe Sam isn't quite ready yet to see you dating someone."

"I am so sorry about him, I really don't know what has gotten into that boy!"

"He's probably just scared I am going to replace his father," Max shrugged, "It's normal for boys his age to act like that."

"Well, if you're certain. But I would love to have dinner at your place." She gave him a small peck on his cheek. "And please tell Julie that if she wants to join, she absolutely can. I don't want her to feel unwelcome in her -" she paused for a second, realising the truth of her words, "her own home."

Max smiled, nodding. "Will do. I'll see you tomorrow at seven."

Dwayne didn't say anything as he sat down next to the weeping girl, gently pulling her closer. "Just let it all out," he said softly as his hand brushed absentmindedly through her hair. Julie didn't say anything as she cried and cried, and after a good thirty minutes, there was not a single tear left in her body.

"What has gotten you so upset?"

"Everything," Julie looked at him. "Everything is just so - my friend was killed, Maria is leaving town, I haven't seen any of you for ages, Max is dating a woman who happens to be my aunt but I barely remember her and it is so awkward and weird, and then her son seems to know about vampires and seems to be determined that either Max or I are vampires, and then David also acts like an asshole towards me and I just don't know why."

"I didn't think you wanted to see me. You were quite cold yourself when I came to check on you."

Julie nodded quietly, knowing that that was true.

"What scares you most about Max dating this woman?"

"That it's true," she said quietly. "That my mom really is out there, but that I don't remember her correctly or at all. Or that she'll think that Max hurt me, while all he did was safe me."

Dwayne nodded, thinking about an answer. "Sounds to me like you're just scared to see your mum again. I don't think she'd care about Max, I think she'd just be happy to see you again."

David was quiet as he saw Star feed, finally making her first kill. He had given her an ultimatum, and he felt a quiet satisfaction that she had finally agreed to do it. Things had been a mess lately. He had already admitted to himself that even though Star wasn't necessarily his type, there was something about her that made him want to be around her.

And then she brought Michael in. David shook his head, wondering if he ever could manage to get him to feed.

He distanced himself from Star, waiting next to a telephone box. Inside the phone was ringing. David stepped inside, closed the door, and picked up the horn.

"I assume you did as we demanded."

"Yes." Was all he answered, a sense of dread spreading through his bones. This was bad, he knew. Really bad.

When the Frogs got home later that night, leaving Sam behind at his place, they were certain of one thing. That girl had been a vampire, and that man was her protector. And it was their task as junior vampire hunters to do something about it. They grinned as they looked at each other, gathering the stakes they'd made.

Tomorrow, they'd slay a vampire.

Next chapter >

[doctor-starline]

FILE: ELO-WEL-BCK

Oh, how long it has been since my last memoir- the time consumes me as I’m pulled from child to child, trying to make sure everyone is happy and oblivious as I would like them to be. But there is oh so much to catch up on. To keep things organized, why don’t I just go from person to person.

001-OIZYS

Other than spending a good chunk of time using him to find the cure for the Metal virus, I have been having quite the amount of fun with a certain hedgehog- Sonic was a… tough shell to crack, I'll give him that. But it’s nothing that time can’t handle. Or electronically simulated time. That poor hedgehog thinks he has lived what- six or seven lives? Or, excuse me, SHE thinks she has. The joys of technology. To get years of manipulation in, yet only taking a matter of minutes. Of course, it takes an unfortunate amount of power to run. Quite a joy cutting and using the hedgehog’s own quills for her downfall. I should get a trim done though… If she’s going to be walking around in the open, then she needs to at least look presentable. And an outfit, I’ll think of something. She can’t be recognizable to the others. I mean, she can who cares at this point. Over half of them are entirely under my control, and the rest don’t stand a chance. Back to Oizys. Just to make things clear- Sonic no longer exists.

002-MILES

That little fox, constantly asking me questions about his brother? It was driving me up the wall! Not to mention, it was hard to keep up the act of Shadow and Nine knowing about the Phantom Ruby Sonic while convincing Knuckles that Tails was hallucinating the hedgehog Much more effort than I needed to be giving. Of course, the answer had to fall into my lap. Sure, I had been working on him daily with Hypnotization, slowly replacing old memories with Sonic to memories with me. I managed to restore some of his memories from before he met Sonic and ooh the spice. But when Shadow brought him back saying he had passed out, and Tails admitting the only cure he had found? Do you know how easy it is to change the programming of one of those chips? I don’t even have to make him forget anything against his will. A little pain when he tries to access those memories, and the fox comes crying to me, trying to make it stop. Who am I to say no to my little MIles?

003-KNUCKLES

The echidna, however, there's no quick fix for. I’m afraid I might have to have as many “Lessons” with him as I did with Surge and Kitsunami. His mental strength may be strong, but once I get the second surgery done with, I plan on inserting something else after removing the rest. It couldn’t hurt to make it a little more potent against the echidna, could it not?

004-CHAOS-SONIC

Oh, he was simply too easy, that whole escapade that Robotnik caused? It was the perfect excuse for me to do a little editing of my own to Chaos Sonic’s code without his fox friend noticing. Nothing too severe, just a little extra motivation to do what I say. It won’t even be noticeable unless I tell him some pretty big things, he was pretty determined to begin with. My little chaos puppy, the one and only bundle of joy in the household.

005-NINE

I Unfortunately haven’t had time to do anything with Nine other than emotional manipulation, I suppose only time will tell his loyalty to me. I have gotten further than I had originally thought based on the interaction when I was… incapacitated. Both of them, actually. It’s been so long since… no… I don’t really think… Was he the first..?

006-SHADOW

I wasn’t really expecting Shadow to show up, but if I end up getting some more one on one time with him, I think I might be able to make use of the hedgehog. From what I’ve seen, I’m suprised he hasn’t left, but the longer I can make him stay, the less I have to worry about him going off and telling others that I’m alive. The less that know, the better.

007-CUBOT+ORBOT

They’re both idiots, the lot of them, although I’m happy to have used them for information while I could. The situation is still unclear if they’ll be dismantled or not, but I plan to use them to their fullest extent while I still can.

008-DOCTOR ROBOTNIK

I hate knowing that he knows where I am, but I do find solace in the fact that I can mess with him just as much as he thinks he can mess with me. As long as I keep my household in order, there is nothing he can send to hassle me, nothing he can send to rattle me, and nothing he can send to harm me. And I relish in the fact that it keeps him up at night. Once I’m ready to make my first move, he’s my first target. I can’t have him getting in my way.

009-SURGE+KIT

Whereabouts are still unknown; knowledge is still unknown; threat level high

010-STARLINE

Everything is locked into place. Sure, a few snags are coming along the way, but unlike robotnik, I deal with them as they arise to keep any damages contained. I refuse to lose.

[lucyfrostblade]

kipperlilly 👻, 😺, 😶 ivy 🎭, 🎶, 😶 ruben 🦾, 🏳️‍🌈, 😶

headcanon ask game !!

thank you! this one is under the cut because it's fairly long

Kipperlilly:

👻 A headcanon about what scares them

i think it would be easy to say that Kipperlilly is afraid of being insignificant which i think is part of it, but i don't think that's the root of issues. in the screenrant interview that brennan did, he says that kipperlilly forced the name "the high 5 heroes" as a way to force camaraderie that they didn't have yet. we also know from jawbone's file on kipperlilly that she wanted to keep the name while everyone except lucy voted against, and that in particular Ivy and Oisin proposed the name change. finally we also know that lucy was "the only one that sort of gets it". to me this comes together to paint a picture of someone who is incredibly lonely and doesn't know how to fix that.

she doesn't want to be alone, and this is what motivates her to me. she'll be useful, and she'll be interesting, and no one will ever leave her again. she's trying to make herself invaluable to her party, this genius mastermind rogue that leads them to glory, so that ultimately they have no choice but to stick with her. it's not even something she's necessarily conscious of, that deep-seated fear she has of being alone.

i think it makes the fact that she's the only one that stays dead after the plan and the fact that she willing took the shatterstar even more tragic, because she's ended up exactly where she feared most: alone and unremarkable (not to me, kipperlilly copperkettle you will always be famous to me)

😺 An animal related headcanon

in middle school, kipperlilly's parents took her to an animal shelter and they adopted a cat. the original idea was to get a dog, a really affectionate and energetic dog to help bring her out of her shell and relax to a certain extent. she ended up falling in love with this small orange cat that she names peaches, a name she is embarrassed by once she gets older. when the shatterstar plan starts in full force, and all the rat grinders end up at ruben's house, peaches stays at kipperlilly's house. she doesn't need the comfort or the affection from him anymore, she's beyond that she tells herself. her parents send pictures and she pretends she doesn't miss her stupid orange cat. he still sleeps in her bed, waiting for her to come back.

😶 A random headcanon!

i am a big fan of the idea of kipperlilly becoming a devil in hell post-canon. she would thrive there, i think, and really just lean into all her worst traits. just slowly climbing the ranks of hell and amassing more and more power and finally mattering in the ways she always wanted to be. it's easier for her to pretend that she's not so lonely, to ignore that she got everything she wanted and she still craves something else, that underneath it all she's still just a lonely high school junior.

Ivy:

🎭 A headcanon about what they lie about

ivy lies to herself more than she lies to anyone else, i feel. not that she's necessarily truthful to other people but it's rarely if ever an outright lie, more so manipulating the truth. but with herself? she'll push down her feelings and convince herself that she doesn't actually feel that way.

🎶 A headcanon about music

if you ask ivy she listens to rock music, something paramore-esque and maybe some pom pom squad if she wants to seem more indie in music tastes, but in her heart of hearts? she loves pop music. wireless earbuds are her best friend because now to doesn't have to worry about oisin pulling her earbuds out and like .5 of siena liggins, rina sawayama, muna, sofya wang, or chappell roan playing. she thinks it ruins her mystique if anyone finds out she listen to sapphic pop music

😶 A random headcanon!

in the yellowjackets trg au that is constantly rattling around in the back of my head, ivy is the natalie—the reluctant leader and the one who knows the most about actual survivial—to lucy's lottie and kipperlilly's misty.

and then bc i have no idea if you have any context for yellowjackets, in the doomed space crew trg au that is also constantly rattling around on my brain, i have her down as the pilot and oisin as the captain. she's next in line to be in charge if anything happens to him, and outwardly she's super confident about it, but really she doesn't want to consider 1) anything to happen to oisin and 2) actually having to make the tough calls

(if you are curious kipperlilly is the engineer, lucy is the medic, mary ann is security, ruben is the botanist, and i am not sure where to put buddy yet)

ruben:

🦾 A disability headcanon

bro has the worst vision in the world. he doesn't ever wear glasses in public, used to wear contacts but he wore them too much and he's now banned from wearing them and his eye doctor will no longer prescribe them. he makes lucy or oisin read every menu to him. he'll wear them only in private and only to write and learn new music.

i also think he has chronic hand and wrist pain, the sort that existed before he started playing guitar but is 100% worsened by it. lucy used to remind him

🏳️‍🌈 A sexuality headcanon

i think he's bi, mostly dates women to the point where for a while everyone assumes he's straight but then he casually mentions a hookup with a dude. i don't think he puts much thought in romantic partners or their genders, he just dates people.

😶 A random headcanon!

on a very objective level i understand that the irl music that ruben's band makes is very evidently just mcr but i personally think it's funnier if my clerical gnomance makes music similar to waterparks: "I'm sick of all this how'd you get your band name? / Is that your real first name? / Can you text and can you follow back cause it's my birthday? / No one cares what I want, just what I've got / And if we sit and count it up it's really not a lot" is such a "i'm getting mobbed for autographs" verse and you cannot convince me otherwise.

also he would have an elaborate inside joke that one of the members is an infamous serial killer that's really popular in the fandom until the shatterstar stuff becomes known and then it's just awkward. they don't stop making the joke tho. (lucy finds it funny, personally)

post shatterstar i think he leans more towards music like laura jean grace's, reconciling his pre-shatterstar, shatterstarted, and post-shatterstar selves into some angsty and anger soulcrushing tunes ala "I am a burning church / I am artifice and years collapsing / I have not yet become all that I will be"

[hughiecampbelle]

hello! i would like to request a ship, if that’s okay! my name is caitlin , and i am biromantic + asexual. pronouns are she/her. i am 5’9, brown hair and brown eyes. i think the people i usually go for are the ones who can make me smile and sort of get me out of my own head- I’m a very inner-focused sort of person, so when someone actually makes me want to engage with them and can make me smile and laugh, it’s something that i really value. one of my biggest insecurities is probably my weight, im a little on the heavier side and that is something that has really hindered me mentally in the past, though i have been becoming more accepting of myself and my body recently. i love painting and reading and writing, like i would definitely say im a quality time kind of gal and would love to do these things with my partner. i also love graphic design. favorite book is this is how you lose the time war and favorite movie is howl’s moving castle. i absolutely love dogs (specifically bichons), hate spiders (and just bugs in general). i hope this is enough, thank you so much in advance!!

Hi my love! I ship you with: Greg Hirsch!!!

He loves your body. He knows that you can be insecure about your body, your weight especially, but he doesn't see a single flaw. You're perfect just the way you are, and he needs you to know that. He's very touchy, very affectionate, wanting you to know that he loves every part of you, even the ones you don't particularly love or even like. He hates when you get down on yourself, when your thoughts stop you from doing something or wearing something because you don't think you should. He also loves your laugh. Greg is a pretty awkward guy, so whether or not he's trying to joke around, people genuinely laugh at him. He doesn't really mind, as long as they're happy. But you? Greg would slip on a banana peel and fall on his ass if it meant he got to hear your laugh again. It's music to his ears. The sound of your laugh, especially when it's with him or after he's made a joke, makes the blood rush to his face. He's always trying to bring you out of your shell like that.

You love his height. Greg is so tall so it makes him a bit awkward, a bit gangly. He doesn't mean to show it off so much, but he can't help it when you need a book off the highest shelf. He's more than happy to get it for you. His hugs are the best, he's all arms. You feel small and protected walking with him, enjoying the height difference. He looks great once he finds a suit that actually fits. Before, without your help, the seams ended at his ankles and wrists. With your help though, he finally has a closet full of clothes that fit.

Your relationship is funny. Greg brings you out of your shell so easily, effortlessly. In doing so, you share all your greatest loves with him. You watch your favorite movie under a blanket with a bucket of popcorn. It takes him forever, but he does read your favorite book so you can talk about it. He sends you lots of bichon puppy videos throughout the day, even when he's supposed to be hard at work. You spend a lot of time together just doing simple thing: reading, cooking, doing separate things on your phones in the same room. There's no need to fill the silence, it's a comfortable kind of quiet.

Your first date isn't actually a date. You started talking at a work event, neither of you too thrilled about the amount of people stuffed into Logan's home. You get talking about work, co-workers, the boss and his crazy family. It's there that he falls in love with your laugh, that he falls for you. You both know that it wasn't really a first date, but by the end you were both so nervous it basically felt like it.

Relationship Headcanon: Greg absolutely takes care of the spiders for you. He's not afraid of them at all. He thinks they're kinda cute, even. He usually just cups them in his hands and lets them go outside, waving goodbye to his new friend. He thinks it's cute that you're scared of them, funny, though he knows better than to hold them up to you and show them. He names them all too, assuring you that Frank and Dan and Steve would never, ever hurt you.

Hope you like it! 💜💜💜

[msm-tsotmw]

Aaaaaand again with the shitty Wi-Fi. Anyways, I found Mondo borrowing Evelyn & Evelyn the Quibble heads’ keyboard to write some song about a “pretty-in-pink Monster…” (who is probably Toorie, knowing Mondo.)

(SPRIGG-)

Hm ?

I didn’t say anything.

yeah uhh nope we werent saying anything

Oh , Okay .

Anyways, thanks fo helping us, Maggpi.

Anytime! But I’ve got to go now, I have a feeling Tawkerr and its Napoleon complex are picking on another Monster.

Oh

Alright , See You When We Visit Here Again !

cya maggs

Bye.

(Maggpi leaves the scene to go stop Tawkerr from biting someone like the angry chihuahua he is.)

Okay, we have to leave Cold Island now.

…Hey , Where’s The Spurrit Of Adventure ?

It’s a huge boat, Toorie, it could be right in front of u-

…Huh?!

the fucking boat is missing

Yeah well, no shit, Mondo.

Where Did It Go ?!

I think I may know where it went.

(The gang turns around to face Urceus the Strombonin. also hi @paidexp)

Huh ? Who Are You ?

oh thats urceus

we made friends with her when you were sleepin

More like “made acquaintances,” really. We haven’t really interacted much.

alr

So… where did it go? The Spurrit of Adventure has all of our books and food and extra clothes on it, plus it’s our only form of transportation.

I have seen it drifting away to Celestials-know-where.

Excuse me, it WHAT?!

Drifted away.

But-

But How ?! When I Tied It To That Icicle , I Tied It Really Ti-

…Oh . It Was An Icicle.

You tied it to a fucking WHAT?!

Don’t Blame Me , Please ! I Didn’t Know They Broke Off That Easily !

toors its a fucking icicle

its solid fucking water

Well , I Grew Up In A Place Where It Was Hot All The Ti-

bWAAAAAAAUGH amimimimimimimimir

…

What Was That

Oh, that is just Shell. My Strombone.

The hell is a Strombone?

Cold-weather snail. Every Strombonin—like me—has one. Shell is supposed to keep me company, but they’re more of a snoozer than anything.

BWAAAAAAAAAH amimimimimimimimir

Can’t they stop snoring?

No.

Anyways, let’s go find that boat. We are getting off-topic here.

Okay ! But , Didn’t You Say It Drifted Away ?

toorie if theres one thing you need to know its that strombonins are HELLA good at jumping from ice floe to ice floe

…Oh . But My Leg Is Broken -

ill carry you

(Mondo, with a load of effort, lifts up the taller Toorie.)

O-Oh , Okay . If This Is How We’re Going To Go 😅

I can tell this is going to take a while, plus I can’t type while jumping from floe to floe, so I’ll stop typing no-AAAH!

(Mondo Grabs Sprigg as well, and follows Urceus, jumping from ice floe to ice floe—and the occasional mini-iceberg—almost falling in the water a few times.)

WOOOAAAAAH !

HEY—OW! MONDO! WATCH! THE!! FUCKING!!! LEAFSTALK!!!!

SORRY I CANT BE CAREFUL IF THEYRE GOING THIS FAST

GALV-FUCKING-DAMMIT.

What is the hold up? Do you all not want to get to that boat quicker?!

UH YEAH WE DO ACTUALLY

MONDO, IF YOU’RE GOING TO—OW!!!

Mondo , I Know We Are All In A Hurry , But PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE Watch Sprigg’s Leafstalk !! That Is Kind Of Like Their Antenna !!!!

OK FINE

(The trio continue to desperately follow Urceus as she hops across the ice at a speed to fast for them to follow. She suddenly stops at the tip of a medium-sized iceberg, and the rest catch up to them, panting and exhausted.)

So…. where’s…. the boat?

…I am afraid it is all the way over there in the distance.

(The trio gazes in horror as they see the Spurrit of Adventure with all their stuff, drifting miles away.)

galvdammit

Mondo ! Language !

Don’t worry. We can paddle that ice floe over there.

(Urceus points at a medium-sized ice floe, about as big to fit 5 Monsters, right below the iceberg.)

Oh , Good ! Let’s Go , Then !

(They all climb down the iceberg, Toorie being carried by Mondo, down to the ice floe.)

toors do you have something stuffed in your hair that can help us

Ummm … Yeah ! This Pizza Peel .

Excuse me, but why do you have a damn pizza peel stuffed in your hair?

I Thought It Might Be Convenient .

Well, it is now. Toorie, start paddling!

Okay , Got It !

(Toorie, with all of her might, paddles toward the Spurrit of Adventure. Mondo the simp helps, too, paddling with his hands. With a TON of effort, they finally make it to the boat.)

Finally …! We’re Here !

Thank You , Umm-

You may call me Urceus.

Okay , Thanks , Urceus ! We Couldn’t Have Done It Without You .

…And was Shell sleeping through all of THAT?!

What can I say, they are a sleeper.

BWAAAAAAAAUGH amimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimir

k thanks

…This may be one of the only times I accept thanks. Anyways, I have to leave now. Goodbye.

Alright , See You Next Time If We Ever Visit !

(Toorie Waves Urceus goodbye as the boat drifts far away from the ice floes. Urceus then proceeds to jump back to Cold Island.)

* Yawn * All That Jumping Has Made Me Slee…..snooooooooooork amimimimimir

yeah me t..honk shoo honk shoo HOOONK shoooo

…Aaaaand the others are sleeping. Well, I guess I should go “hit the hay,” too. I’ll stop typing now…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANYWAYS I’m going to do what the trio is doing and go be eepy

(also again I’m sorry if I wrote Urc wrong-)

-Mod Jimmy 🗣️

[starredfishing]

Three Houses Quest: You must now assign every Major Character of Three Houses (meaning Byleth, the students, and anyone they can recruit/s-support), a song from the Oh Hellos discography. Some characters are allowed to share songs if it fits more than one. But every character must have a song.

Reward: You get to listen to good music and think about these characters again.

And a cookie.

hi anon! why would you do this to me . /lh LSDKJFSDJFFJ

ok so i have to put this under a read more bc good lord the oh hellos have a lot of songs. ok. ahem. i present to you:

THE FUCKING ENTIRETY OF THE OH HELLOS DISCOGRAPHY ATTACHED TO THE CAST OF FIRE EMBLEM: THREE HOUSES (2019)

BLACK EAGLES

Edelgard - Caesar

“Rise up to meet it, o sleeper, awake. Gather the soldiers, the heir to enfold. Crown him and give him a scepter to hold.”

Hubert - The Valley

“We were born in the shadow of the crimes of our fathers. Blood was our inheritance. No, we did not ask for this. Will you lead me?”

Ferdinand - Grow

“You’ve got a lot to learn, if you’d settle down. Let be what is, let be what isn’t. It’s a natural world in which we’re living, and if you let it alone, it will surely grow. Just leave it alone, child, and let it go.”

Caspar - Soap

“I’ve heard if I were tougher, then maybe I’d make it alive. I got a tender side, I’ll need a harder shell to survive.”

Linhardt - Rounds

“If my chest don’t cave in, when did I last breathe in? Am I empty again? Oh, that wind that I’ve been spending is a long one, my friend.”

Dorothea - Rose

“Wars are raising for her, crusades to adore her [...] Your rose is without a thorn, but no, my mouth don’t taste of metal from the pot here to the kettle. I think we got a lot we gotta learn [...] Call her briar long enough, and you’ll tangle up the true and the fable.”

Petra - Constellations

“All that’s left for me to climb to the heavens is the chasm of the night and a matter of time, but I hear the rumble as the tectonic plates start to shake and I feel my blood pounding like the beat of a drum.”

Bernadetta - Trees

“Safe inside the walls we built, we found ourselves a home. Higher branches, harder fall. Hesitation stops us all.”

BLUE LIONS

Dimitri - I Have Made Mistakes

“The sun, it does not cause us to grow, it is the rain that will strengthen your soul. It will make you whole. [...] I am afraid of all that I’ve built fading away.”

Dedue - Thus Always To Tyrants

“Let me die, let me drown, lay my bones in the ground, I will still come around when the time for sleep is through. [...] Where I go, will you still follow? Will you leave your shaded hollow? Will you greet the daylight looming, learn to love without consuming?” 

Felix - Notos

“And every word you shouldn’t say will come bubbling out of your throat. And you will drown in the wake of the things you lost to the winds of Notos. You gotta let go.”

Sylvain - Second Child, Restless Child

“I was born a second child with a spirit running wild, running free. And they saw trouble in my eyes, they were quick to recognize the devil in me.”

Ingrid - Passerine

“You were the song that I'd always sing, you were the light that the fire would bring but I can't shake this feeling that I was only pushing the spear into your side again.”

Ashe - New River

“And your stomach goes hollow at the thought that it could swallow you whole [...] But the river takes her shape from every tempest she abides, and like her, you’ll be made new again.”

Mercedes - Pale White Horse

“Down they fell like the children of Eden, down they fell like the tower as the land relinquished her ghost. [...] Neither plague nor famine tempered my courage, nor did raids make me cower.”

Annette - The Truth is a Cave

“I was bound and determined to be the child that you wanted. And I was blind to every sign that you left for me to find, and the truth became a tool that I held in my hand. And I wielded it but did not understand”

GOLDEN DEER

Claude -  Lapis Lazuli

“What can I say? ‘Cause the more I recite it, the more you wanna fight it, the more my language is sounding fabricated. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s either the growing is slow, or it cuts to the bone moving too quickly.”

Hilda - HILDA DOES NOT GET ONE BECAUSE SHE ISN'T SAD ENOUGH TO WARRANT A THE OH HELLOS SONG.

Lorenz - I Was Wrong

“I was torn between my god and my Father. [...] I was born at the dawn of our folly, and I was young and stubborn to the bone. [...] I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong.”

Marianne - Dear Wormwood

“I know who I am now, I know who I want to be. I want to be more than this devil inside of me.”

Ignatz  - Zephyrus

“You and I, we are matter, and it matters. I want to spin something out of nothing. Lead to gold, spring from winter.”

Raphael - Theseus

“Oh, that peace like a river, always going, but never getting. Seems like maybe it's not all that much a place as it is a way. And ways don't ever seem to want to stay too still for too long. Isn't that what it's all about?”

Leonie - Eurus 

“You can’t take any gold or rings further than the grave. Nothing we make can we bring, but the bait hanging from the string is calling my name, and like the wind it slips again out of my fingers.”

Lysithea - Glowing

“'Cause when Atlas shrugs, whose back is breaking? And I know how it feels to thе hands heavy as the heavens, a weight that could fold you to keep holding.”

CHURCH OF SEIROS

Rhea - Lay Me Down

“Take me home, I want to go down the road that will take me to the living oak. Lord, I know that I’m weathered stone, but I owe it to my brothers to carry them home.”

Seteth - O Sleeper

“I see the trail of shoulders I’ve climbed over, but by god, I’ll bloody up my hands with everything I am to cut away the mountains I’ve made and fill the dales below.”

Flayn - There Beneath

“There beneath the willow tree, I learned a lot about the way of things. [...] I know, I know this, there is beauty in the way of things.”

Alois - Soldier, Poet, King

“There will come a soldier who carries a mighty sword, he will tear your city down, O Lei, O Lai, O Lord.”

Catherine - Soldier, Poet, King 

Shamir - Cold

“When the feeling leaves you, it moves so slow like the loose change from your front pocket; you don’t even feel it go. When the bitter creeps in to bite you whole, a specter unreflected, oh it keeps you cold.”

Cyril - Boreas

“Yeah, I swing from believing that maybe my working will all pay off to considering drinking with Molotov. I'm halfway out the door. Maybe then my breath could embody a wildfire starting.”

Jeritza - Torches

“I got a venom like a snake running out of my mouth, it’s got you burning at the stake. Innocent or not, you’re not a bet I care to take.”

ASHEN WOLVES

Yuri - Eat You Alive

“But there’s nothing but pain on the edge of a knife, there is no courage in flirting with fear to prove you’re alive.”

Balthus - The Lament of Eustace Scrubb

“Brother, forgive me, we both know I’m the one to blame [...] Father, have mercy, ,I know that I have gone astray [...] But I’ll come around someday. When I touch the water, they tell me I could be set free.”

Hapi - Cold Is the Night

“Take this burden away from me, and bury it before it buries me.”

Constance - Hieroglyphs

“'Cause you've been too busy thinking ahead of where we're all going after we're dead to maybe consider our bodies are worth more than the dust that we can return to the ground again”

OTHER/EXTRA

Byleth - Hello My Old Heart 

“Hello, my old heart, how have you been? Are you still there inside my chest? I’ve been so worried, you’ve been so still– barely beating at all.”

Sothis - Where Is Your Rider?

“See, your face wasn’t quite as I remember, but I know that wicked shape to your smile. Bury me as it pleases you, lover. At sea or deep within the catacomb, but these bones never rested while living.”

Jeralt - This Will End

“No, I am not afraid to die. It’s every breath that comes before. [...] I will wait for this to end: the back and forth, the battery. For you, at last, to comprehend the kind of love of which I speak.”

Gilbert - Wishing Well 

“All the love you gave to me, it wasn’t enough to keep me. [...] Bent my knee to many kings, idols of prosperity. Heard that dollar calling me, so I sought it in the city.”

Rodrigue - Like the Dawn

“You were the brightest shade of sun I had ever seen. Your skin was gilded with the gold of the richest kings. And like the dawn you woke the world inside of me [...] And you will surely be the death of me, but how could I have known?”

[miss-morgans-lover]

She's His (Kendall/Shelby) Part 2

Prompt: Why am I so afraid to lose you, when you're not even mine?

The perfect boy who has all the girls and many boys lusting after him. He could get anyone, but he goes for the girl I love. I understand the they love each other, but his affections towards her have been swayed towards Ivan. She deserves better than that. Though, in his defence, I don’t think he’s totally aware of his wandering eyes and staring. It’s kind of amusing. 

And as I’ve said, despite all this I’m scared to lose her. Perhaps the reason is that I’m scared any declaration of my real feelings will make things awkward and ruin the platonic relationship we currently have. Maybe I’m scared that she will tell the media my feelings, though I doubt that would happen. Maybe I’m scared of the commitment it will bring and the necessity for honesty. I may very well be scared she will find out about my trauma and leave me, not wanting to deal with it and/ or tell the media.

No matter what the reason is, I’m scared to lose her in any way, but she isn’t mine to lose. We’re not even close friends. Friends, maybe, but close friends, no. She barely talks to me. Why would she though, she rarely has a reason to. I wish she would talk to me, I want her to. She has such a beautiful voice, I could listen to it all day.

Part of me wishes that I never felt this way in the first place, then I wouldn’t have this issue. The jealousy. Though, a bigger part of me is glad that I do, because my feelings for her changed me for the better. She made me realise that I was wrong in the way I was acting, and don’t ask me how as I have no clue. But she did. It was my sexual issues, having too much sex that she snapped me out of. It had become a coping mechanism for me, much like alcohol did a few years back. I’m better now because of my family, my therapist, my social worker and her. Shelby helped me without even knowing it.

I wish she knew, I want her to know. To know how important she is to me.

I want her to be mine. To be my girlfriend. My partner. My love. But she’s his. Not mine.

I look over to her and see her smiling at Tyler. I can’t help but stare, she’s beautiful. She turns towards me and meets my eyes. She smiles at me. I smile back and lift up my hand to beckon her over. I could do with some help on my current ranger project, plus it will give me an excuse to spend some time with her. She tells Tyler goodbye before walking over to me. She glances at the computer screen before looking up to me. 

“Hey,” she says.

“Hi, could you take a look at this, I can’t seem to get it right,” I ask her.

“You want me to take a look?” she asks, surprised.

“Yeah, it is your area, is it not?” I reply, “the more scientific area of chemicals and such is a strong suit of yours, unless I got it wrong?”

“No, you’re right, but why ask me?” she pauses, “why not Riley?”

“Because, whilst Riley can do this, he isn’t as good as you and me, I need a fresh pair of eyes that knows what they are looking at,” I tell her.

“I thought you hated me,” she says, quietly, as she looks back at the screen.

“Hate you?” I ask, “I don’t hate you, why do you think that?”

“You’re a smart girl Shelby, and I apologise for making you think I hate you, I never have,” I pause, then add, “ I actually rather admire you, in a way.”

“You admire me?” she questions, “why?”

Smiling I say, “because you've come so far since you got here. You started out as a clumsy waitress who wouldn’t talk to anyone, but now. Now you aren’t so clumsy, you, you are more than happy to get yourself dirty during digs, You’ve come out of your shell so much, and you’re a damn good pink ranger.”

“Thank you!” she says, smiling now.

“Plus, you’re very smart, you could rival me, in more ways than one,” I tell her.

“Really?” she asks, happy. I nod.

She throws her arms around me in a hug, and I hug her back. It takes her a second to realise what she did, and she tries to pull away, I keep her there for a couple seconds before letting her go. 

“I’m so sorry!” she says incredulous.

“It’s ok, I don’t mind, actually, I kinda enjoyed it,” I tell her, honestly, trying to calm her.

“You enjoyed it?” she asks, surprised but calmer.

“Yep, you’re a comforting person, plus, I don’t get many hugs,” I admit.

“In that case, can I hug you again?” she asks.

I nod.

We hug again, and it feels so nice to have it. Her of all the people hugging me. This makes all the jealousy go away. For the moment I’m happy, I’m content.

For the moment it doesn’t matter that she’s his.

[neutralgray]

Uneducated: Musings on a Passage from "All Quiet on the Western Front" and the Trauma of the Greatest Generation

So I finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front today. It was a beautiful, harrowing, and incredibly bleak book. I would not recommend it to the lighthearted, but its simple and brutal prose does a masterful job of stripping the romanticism of the "Great War" down to the collective traumatizing experience that it was a to a generation of young men who died (or lived) for nothing.

I am by no means educated on the depths of 1900's history-- I hear stories, sure, but I've never been some kind of historical scholar or history buff. I only have my own "uneducated" speculations to work off of, coupled with a general knowledge accumulated through living all of 28 years. The purpose of that is to say, the point of this post is not to inform or educate-- merely to speculate on some thoughts I had while reading a particular quote from this novel.

The quote is thus:

"I realize he does not know that a man cannot talk of such things; I would do it willingly, but it is too dangerous for me to put these things into words. I am afraid they might then become gigantic and I be no longer able to master them. What would become of us if everything that happens out there were quite clear to us?"

For context, our main character, Paul Baumer, has been given leave from the front lines for roughly two weeks. He is home again, with his mother and father. His mother seems to know by instinct that something is wrong and though she is fraught with worry, she does not try to pry the unspoken words from her son. His father, on the other hand, does not pick up on this and asks all manner of questions. Paul often speaks of the funny things that happened in the war: jokes with friends, events in training, small moments of peace and levity. To his father, who is ignorant of the war experience, these retold events are simply the events of the war. His son is a brave German warrior fighting the good fight out on the frontline. To Paul, these retold events are the only moments where he was allowed to find any levity. He chooses to tell the parts of the war that kept him sane in an insane place. A lie through omission, because he is afraid that he cannot truly bring himself to face the ugly monster of the experience for what it is.

With this passage, I thought of the vague notions I have for life in the early 1900's. Again, I'm very ignorant overall, but from the stories and little histories that I do know, there seems to be a repeated theme of parents being distant from their children, especially fathers. It stands to reason that a lot of these fathers who seemed unable to express their emotions to their children were likely "shell shocked" veterans of the "Great War."

It's a leap I am completely unqualified to make so bear with me and correct me, BUT if we can assume this notion to be true: that veteran fathers of WWI were more emotionally vacant in their family lives than comparable populations on average, then I think this quote is an interesting exploration on why that is.

By keeping these experiences inside, they become "controllable." It's subject to the person's mind. Keeping it in makes it smaller, more manageable, more abstract. Essentially, the less defined the experience, the better.

This is arguably the opposite of most modern points of how to confront and deal with lingering traumatic experiences. Generally speaking (not saying in ALL cases), difficult things should usually be talked about in some capacity, as that language gives those experiences a concise meaning that can be expressed. By using expressive language, we define and organize the traumatic into an orderly narrative. Suddenly an infinite chasm of abstract, large, and very complex emotions becomes finite-- as it were "quantifiable." Those emotions and traumas aren't suddenly healed by talking about them, but they are given form. When these traumas have form, they become easier to understand, and if easier to understand they are easier to manage, and if easier to manage they are easier to heal from.

I think what frightens me about Paul's way of thinking about his experiences is that, despite my modern understanding of trauma and psychology, his reasoning makes sense. I see the rationale in it. I can empathize for why and how he thinks that way.

Sometimes in psychological circles we have a tendency to infantilize people in the past as "not knowing any better," as if because they simply did not having the modern language to express certain concepts, the people of the past were ignorant to that concept altogether. But here with Paul we see that it is not simply ignorance of the trauma he's experiencing, as if he doesn't even know he's traumatized. He is aware he is broken and fundamentally altered and he is expressing a manner of how to deal with that trauma. There's a rational mentality to it.

Paul is afraid if he speaks it and the experiences escape through his lips they will manifest into something bigger than he can control. It is such a terrifyingly large trauma on the soul that even giving it that form through language is scary and perhaps too difficult. If it escapes the mind, if it's no longer held in, it can run and grow and destroy, as if the experience itself were a real living being. By speaking it into existence one has let go of the leash that held that monster back. If it stays inside it remains abstract, elusive, and seemingly smaller. We can push it into a corner and ignore it. We can try to wrestle power away from it by not giving it the satisfaction of destroying our external lives, not realizing that if we keep it inside it will also eat us from the inside.

While we understand today that is not the best way to cope with our scars and our battles, there is a frighteningly sane and logical rationale behind it.

Once again, I am ignorant to to speak of experiences I do not have and I obviously didn't live to see this period so any assumptions I make of the people who lived through this era should be taken with a grain of salt, or you can dismiss me outright. I am merely musing about this one passage and what I think it might illuminate about the Greatest Generation and their collective approach to trauma.

I wonder if this is perhaps why so many of that generation were recalled by their own children to be "distant," keeping an icy wall of emotional detachment from the lives of their children and loved ones. Maybe in a sad way, that emotional distance WAS an expression of love.

Maybe many of those men thought they were protecting their children from the formless monsters that lurked inside their father's head.

[chasmbreach]

i wrote this in a frenzy at 3am. i love undertale so much you don't understand

2:55: i hate it when my brain starts thinking too much in the fucking late ass hours of 2:45 am anyway, i got recommended fallen down piano with reverb on yt again and yknow, obviously i gotta listen to the hella peaceful ass helllll music because it just do be really beautiful yknow? but then i thought about how when monsters fall down, they're considered fallen monsters? i'm forgetting my exact undertale lore, but wasn't it about how the monster was dying of old age, or just having a weak SOUL in general? which was why alphys did her experiments and the whole point of the DT experiments to prevent them from dying. and i know your best friend is the first song you listen to when you begin Frisk's journey through the underground, but i'm just thinking about how he's probably not done that to all of the other children that have fallen before Frisk, considering that Toriel is always there to help the children and care for them.  So, tying back to Fallen Down..., all of the kids that fell into the Underground had "fallen" in the sense of if they were a monster, they would've been dying. all of the children who fell into the underground had a sense of not wanting to continue their lives with the other humans, which is why they decided to fall into the hole in hopes of finding release from their lives.  they've been emotionally dead for a long time. that's where they start, and that's their emotional state when they decided to fall. they're children who don't have the will to keep going, but then toriel comes in and takes care of them, they want to feel loved, to be a child, to be a human where they can just be. it's why each and every one of them make the decision to go through the ruins door, to experience living

2:56: anyway this is bullshit analysis it's nearly 3am i don't think i made sense

2:56: me getting emotional over fallen down for the 27345394 time

2:58: gods i love undertale characters i fucking love toriel and her flaws, because it's what makes her seem like well rounded person who has motivations and grief, and that grief is what makes her so, so unique in how she presents herself

3:00: i fucking love papyrus because he is so skroigly but also because he believes in you. even in the no mercy run, he isn't naive. he isn't, good god. yes he sees the best of people, but it does get more than that. he loves. he loves so much. and isn't that just difficult in this society sometimes yknow?

3:02: i fucking love undyne, because despite her slightly misguided anger towards humans, she is, after all, representing of justice. she wants the bring the best out of everyone. she's critical, but she can identify when she's wrong. she just exudes so much confidence and is such a big motivator, it makes it so hard to dislike her.

3:04: i fucking love alphys, and isn't she such a complex character when at first glance. she really isn't that complicated in terms of how much analysis of her personality really needs. she wants to help, but she afraid to do it wrong. she wants to be the best, but she never feels her best. if she hides her mistakes, then nobody needs to know that she was a "bad person," when she was just trying to do what she thought was right.

3:05: i fucking love metatton, and after reading ALIVE AU it made me love him even more. yes, he's selfish, but he still wants the best for alphys. he's the type of monster who doesn't outwardly show he cares, but he will absolutely be there when you need it most, to bring you back and to make sure you're ok. 3:06: he also has some regrets and grievances, don't get me wrong, this is probably the most unknown character for me haha, but he makes me think about how, in reality, there really is just one life, and that one life you should make the most of it.

3:08: i fucking love asgore. a sad old pitiful shell of himself, but filled with so much pain and regret for all the things he's done. he wants to mend his wounds, but he cannot bring himself to. he feels as if his decisions were his to bare, and he must deal with his own consequences. he needs a hug, but he'd never accept one.  he doesn't think he deserves forgiveness, but he does. he really does.

3:11: and of course, sans. well, i know he is famous because of megalovania, but in the end, he really makes me sad, maybe pity. depression is a bitch. the amount of hope he exudes when he sees the sunrise during the pacifist makes me cry. he never thought he'd get here. he never thought he'd be okay enough to be there for papyrus.  because isn't everything for him?  even when you kill papyrus, he doesn't do anything except call you a dirty brother killer.  he's so, so tired. really, he's just putting up a mask every day. and he is literally the exact opposite of papyrus yeah?

3:12: anyway. i didn't think i'd type so much haha 3:12: love letter to the game that made me feel

3:15: i think, because the story really makes you think about decisions, that your decision to reset, will affect everyone? makes this world really real for me. don't get me wrong, i love omori. the story is really good and i love it to bits. sunny has an incredibly complex history with his emotions but... the story will always just feel like just that. a video game character on a screen.

3:23: hmmm. i'm thinking again. i think what really did it in for me is this old comic i saw even before i got into undertale and saw a playthrough of it.  it was simply drawn, but basically someone wanted to replay undertale after the true pacifist route, and flowey comes on screen right? but then the comic artist wrote about how they couldn't do it. they couldn't reset, because it had been probably a few months or like a year since they've played, and Frisk had probably done so much in that timeframe, it would be incredibly cruel to take it all away because "you were curious" to play the game all again and it also ended with someone else commenting "undertale: the game you never play again" or something like that

[musingsofaloverheartedbestfriend]

my best friend is a better person than i am.

this is an immutable rule of the universe. i know this. the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. the sky is blue when it’s high. the night is dark when it sleeps. my best friend is better than i am. so it has been. so it shall be.

i am not a good person. i know that. i am built of sharp edges that push too far and cut too deep. i had to be. survival was found in scathing words and shoving people away and pushing farther in every argument i ever had. i learned to be a bad person, because bad was a better adjective than dead. 

but i survived. i got out. and replacing dead with bad means i have to live with all that i have become. and living as bad is miserable. 

my best friend went through so much more. she had nowhere to run to. and somehow she stayed good. somehow, she stayed alive, too. 

she blames herself. i don’t understand how. she doesn’t want to get a diagnosis because she’s afraid her parents will blame themselves. how do i tell her that they should? that they have caused her so much of the pain she blames herself for carrying? 

i said fuck you to my parents a long time ago. because it was safe. because it kept me alive. because my trade means i stay a bad person. i can detail to them exactly how they have hurt me. i can twist it in an argument, too, use the silver on my tongue to slice through their ribs before they tear through my abdomen. it’s intentional. it’s cruel. it’s bad. 

she carries so much respect. so much love. she is better than i am. more forgiving, more personable. better at connecting with others. immutable law of the universe.

my best friend is made of sunshine and pain. the sunshine is what she gives to the world. the pain is what she keeps to herself.

there is nothing that makes me break down quite like the way my best friend treats herself. she is a better person than i am. she deserves all of the good things that this world has to offer. and yet she believes that her pain is both self-inflicted and made up. she will destroy herself to not hurt someone else. even when they deserve it.

my best friend is a better person than i am. she is endlessly kind. she always finds a way to shift the blame onto herself. always finds the good in people who i can’t see anything in. i believe some people deserve to be hurt for all that they have done to others. i believe that everyone needs to know how they have hurt the people around them. she would never believe the same. 

she is better than i, but i have learned what fault is mine and what was done to me, what was out of my control. i understand what is abusive, and i’m unafraid to fight about it. i am a bad person, but my badness was born of survival. 

my best friend does not have that. she does not see the cruelty in the words of those around her. she does not understand the wrongness in their actions. and when she speaks about these, so casually blaming herself, unflinching, unquestioning, i am reduced to a twelve year old girl who cut out her mother and put holes through the drywall before she screamed down her father with a hammer in her hand, and she is banging on the shell of my body, sobbing, because she would do anything to protect my best friend. and yet there is nothing either of us can do to save her.

i am a bad person. i know this. it is an immutable law of the universe. my best friend is a good person. the best, i think. so it is written. so it has been. so it shall be. always. forever. 

i am a bad person. i will do anything for my best friend. 

so i’ll cross the lines. i’ll be the bitch. i will be gentle in my honesty, for her. only for her. i will be a good person for her. she makes me want to be a good person. i will be a bad person for her, because i never want her to hurt again. i will fight and bleed and kill for her so she never dirties her knuckles.

she loves me, bloodied knuckles and poisoned tongue and all. i love her, sunshine and pain rotted self love and all. we call each other our soulmates. the universe deemed us a pair, and who am i to defy fate? 

(i would. for her, i would. for her, i listen. for myself, i thank the stars for creating us with the same stardust in our hearts.)

my best friend and i, a better person and a bad person, wrapped up in fate and immutable laws of the universe. so it is written. so it has been. so it shall always be.

i love you, starshine.

[immortallaughter]

Become Someone Else 

I don't think I've ever really introduced myself, I'm Nat! I'm a strangely outgoing introvert (I thank my extroverts who always seem to find me and bring me out of my shell) who isn't afraid to try new things. I love all things creative: I am an artist, writer, teacher (elementary literacy tutor atm but in college again to become a high school art teacher), anime/manga lover, avid reader and book collector, lover of all music genres (shuffle on my playlists is a trip), theater kid, cosplayer, makeup artist, special effects artist, hobby photographer, custom D&D dice maker, 3d printing enthusiast, singer, licensed master aesthetician, weight lifter, very novice at crochet and sewing, and so much more since my ADHD never seems to let me pick one thing for too long. A jack of all trades if you will! 

As part of an assignment from The Art Assignment, I figured I'd take a moment to find two photos that show different sides of me.  

In the first photo, I was modeling for a roommate from my freshman year of college. I felt confident, beautiful, and playful as I posed, but I haven't always been that way. I was a quiet kid growing up, standoffish, uncomfortable sharing my interests in fear that I would come off as a nerd or unpopular, especially compared to my twin brother who was a lot more popular, athletic, and outgoing than I ever hoped to be. I didn't know if I had what it took to be noticed by anyone in any way that mattered, or if I would ever fit in with anything other than my art.  

It took years of going into the world away from my small town to realize being myself was so freeing. In a sense I became someone completely different than the reserved individual I once was. I don't need just cosplay to help me become someone new. Now I'm weird, happy, and unafraid of enjoying things from all spectrums of hobbies even if it isn't everyone else's cup of tea; I learned if I like it, not everyone's opinion on the matter meant a single thing to my happiness unless I allowed it to. It started with practicing special effects makeup like I'd always wanted to, to dipping a toe into cosplaying, to focusing on my art after a four-year hiatus away from drawing a single thing, to enjoying all the creative options that had always been of interest. 

That leads to my second photo over half a decade later.  

My insomniac brain decided at 2 am I had inspiration to try doing a technique for fake freckles. They turned out well enough it inspired an entire original elf character to pop into my head! I got out my cosplay gear for an outfit and special effects makeup, then did an impromptu photoshoot. I loved it so much it has become my go to look for going to Renaissance Faires! I have the absolute confidence to feel comfortable cosplaying on a public train, going to the store, and meeting new people in or out of character. I wish the younger me could see the amount of growth we have so she could have an ounce of the peace of mind I do now.  

Life is worth having fun and not being afraid to step away from the normal. If you always must be mindful of the judgement of others, you're too preoccupied to truly live in the moment and enjoy what really makes you happy. Go, be weird and thrive, my friends. 

[writeforfandoms]

CONGRATS! Beeline for this ask: You see in grayscale until you see your soulmate and...Ezra! He feels like he would like the world to bloom into color. I like it so much I'm tempted to do it but I am backlogged to all hell so do me proud dear!

Find my masterlist

Ezra is very much impatient for his world to bloom into color. I loved working on this prompt, I really did. I had a lot of fun with it. Got a bit of sweetness, bit of angst, bit of hurt/comfort... I hope you like it! 💖

Ezra x gn!reader

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of loss, canon events.

Word count: 1.7k

Now presenting...

Traveler's Song

Ezra had always been a voracious reader, to both the relief and consternation of his parents. It kept him out of trouble, sure, but it wasn’t an easy hobby to keep, especially on pods where space was at a premium. And yet, Ezra insisted, and he got his books.

He devoured them all - literature, sci fi, fantasy, romance - it didn’t make a difference to him. He read all sorts, for all ages, from all ages. And the more he read, the more he wondered.

What did the sky look like? What color was robin’s egg blue? What about grass? Leaves in autumn, the reds and golds and oranges he’d read about?

He’d find out in time, his parents used to assure him. He just had to be patient.

He was patient. Well. He learned to be patient. It wasn’t something that came naturally to him, but after he took up prospecting, he learned. Better to be patient than ruin a haul.

He also developed the habit of looking straight into someone’s eyes, the first time he met them. No matter what other form of greeting (be it handshake or quick gestures with a thrower), he always made sure to meet their eyes. That was how soulmates worked, after all. You locked eyes and the world bloomed into color.

Supposedly, anyway. Ezra still hadn’t met his match, and he was beginning to feel impatient. But no. He’d find them. He had to. One day.

And so he continued through life in grayscale, learning how best to harvest aurelac, how to pick pockets without being noticed, how to charm his way into people’s beds and good graces. Harvesting was hard, long work, and he rather liked the creature comforts of life, despite his choice of profession. He had partners and friends and lovers. And he had his share of enemies and deals gone bad, too.

But the one thing he still didn’t have was a soulmate.

So, naturally, he found them just after signing up for a job out on the Green Moon.

He’d signed his contract, squared away his affairs, and had picked his books to bring with him. His books were precious things, and he chose very carefully now which ones he took on jobs.

Not everyone valued books the way he did.

The rest were packed into storage, to be kept safe until he returned. And this time, he hoped, it would be for good. He was not as young as he'd once been, after all. His knees complained. His back ached. His hands, though still steady, didn’t function as smoothly.

Nobody ever said prospecting was an easy job, after all.

He left his chosen bar for the night, his chosen conquest tucked under his arm and giggling, one of her hands pressed over his belly.

“My dear,” he purred in her ear, enjoying the shiver that went down her spine, “I’m afraid if you keep up this sort of behavior we won’t make it back to your place.” He nipped the shell of her ear gently.

She started to say something, but Ezra lifted his gaze when he spotted a pair of boots headed their way. His gaze traveled up, over their body, to their eyes. And for a moment, just a moment, the world fell away. Their eyes… their beautiful eyes, wide with surprise now, lips parted just a little. Ezra greedily drank in the colors, sure his own eyes were wide. He felt glued in place, the little thing under his arm no longer even registering.

And then time restarted when those beautiful eyes narrowed at him, and those boots marched towards him.

“You’re drunk,” you said sharply, though you did manage to tear your eyes away from your soulmate (your soulmate!) for long enough to glower at your friend instead.

“Only a little,” she pouted.

“Lee, I thought we agreed no more bringing people back without warning me first.” You planted your fists on your hips.

“I do apologize,” the man spoke, and your gaze slid back to him. His eyes were warm and sparkling with mischief, and you found yourself intrigued by the blonde streak in his hair. “I was unaware there were house rules, so to speak.”

Your ire didn’t quite die, but it did cool. “It’s not your fault,” you allowed.

Lee looked between you and the man, frowning a little, clearly trying to figure out what was going on. It wasn’t like you to look at a man. Or, really, anybody.

“I suppose we should discuss this,” you said, making a vague gesture between the two of you.

“Discuss what?” Lee asked, suspicious.

The man merely smiled and held out a hand to you. “Name’s Ezra.”

You gave him your name in turn, shaking his hand. You couldn’t quite stop yourself from giving him another look over, taking in the colors. “This way,” you told him, turning and marching back towards your apartment.

The building was blue. Huh. You never would have guessed.

Lee hissed your name, catching your arm as you swiped the three of you into the building. “What is going on?” she demanded.

“He’s my soulmate,” you told her. “I know you didn’t know. How could you have? But it does change things.”

For a moment she boggled at you, looking between you and Ezra. Then her face twisted into something a little jealous, a little angry, and she stomped off to the lift ahead of you two.

“She seems to have a bit of a temper,” Ezra observed, stopping when he was even with you. His shoulders were broad, making the space feel much narrower.

“She hasn’t found hers yet,” you said with a little shrug. “She’s just a little jealous, but she’ll get over it.”

Ezra hummed and slipped his hand into yours. His hand was big and warm and held you securely. But you didn’t feel trapped. You felt secure.

This was your soulmate, so there must have been a reason the universe decided to pair you with him. You intended to find out why.

By the time the two of you had gotten up to the apartment, Lee was in her room with the door shut. Apparently she’d figured she wasn’t getting laid tonight. Smart girl. You motioned Ezra to the kitchen table and grabbed water for the two of you. When you returned, you caught him tracing patterns in the wood-look table, one finger delicately tracing swirls and lines. You couldn’t blame him - you hadn’t known the color of the table would be so rich. It all looked so different.

“So.” You set a water down in front of him. “What now?”

He blinked at you, apparently momentarily nonplussed. “Ah. I had not… considered quite that far in advance, I must admit.”

You nodded. “I get it. Not like I expected to meet you today.” You sat, rolling your water between your hands. “I guess we should get to know each other?”

Something like alarm flashed across his face, and for a moment you felt your hackles rise. Then he swore softly. “I’m to leave on a freighter for the Green Moon in three stretches,” he told you apologetically. “I’m afraid that doesn’t give us a lot of time for getting to know one another.”

“Three stretches,” you mused, frowning, drumming your fingers against the table. Twenty one spins, all told. Less than a stand. Not a lot of time, indeed. “Well. Tell you what. If you’re interested, I’ll take a little time off of work. We can talk. And at least that way we’ll know each other better before you leave.”

The smile that bloomed across his face was quite possibly the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen.

--

You hadn't seen Ezra in a long, long time. It was long past when he was supposed to have come back from the Green.

You had been told, more than once, to give up and move on. He wasn't coming back.

But your heart couldn't extinguish that last ember of hope.

You'd moved out to your own place, and had taken all of Ezra's books with you when his storage rental was up. The books, and your memories, were what you had left of your soulmate now.

But you didn't look at anyone else, either.

You got home from work and shut the front door, leaning back against it. The comforting, soothing blue of the hallway met your gaze, and you let yourself soak in the color.

As brief as your attachment had been, you couldn't regret it.

You'd barely set your things down when there was a knock on the door. You paused. You weren't expecting anyone. But the knock came again, so you opened the door a little to see who it was.

And then froze.

Ezra stood in front of the door. He looked thin and worn and tired. But his eyes were still beautiful. Warm brown that still lit up at the sight of you.

You yanked the door open and grabbed him before he even had a chance to speak, hugging him tight. He was thinner than you remembered - his shoulders were just as broad but he definitely had less padding. Something you needed to rectify, clearly.

He hugged you back, one arm snug around your back, and you wondered where his other one was. You pulled back a little to ask him… and his right sleeve was empty, pinned up.

There was also a blonde girl behind him, a teenager, looking a little ragged herself.

"Ezra?" You asked, moving your gaze back to him. Your hands settled on his hips, keeping him from going anywhere.

His smile was wan and tired, but he still smiled for you. "There is much you don't know yet, about what happened while I was away on the Green."

"Well then. We'd better start catching up now." You tugged him gently to guide him inside, and snagged the girl to drag her in, too. You'd worry about getting the full story out of them later. For now, you just wanted to luxuriate in having Ezra home.

--

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