#i am simply going to juat

[jack-owo-valentine]

.

[nachtwandeling]

I was bullied basically all my childhood for my nose (among other things) and I used to want a nosejob so bad. And now at a restaurant the sweetest lady who works here (idk her at all) just smiled at me and told me I have a nice nose 🥹 and that i should get a nose piercing 😳🥹

(Also she told me i am beautiful 😭😭 god bless you dear angel)

Well. All that bullying and the life-ruining effects was quite unnecessary I guess.

[cal-flakes]

could u pleaseee write a blurb abt reader accidentally hitting rages nuts while try to get comfy cuddle him and he starts swearing and like whining like a little baby cause it hurts and reader juat try’s to comfort him xoxo

ABSOLUTELY YES (assuming i read this correctly, this gif felt fitting) i hope it’s what you wanted, enjoy <33

╰┈➤ rafe gets injured

warnings: swearing.

summary: while trying to get yourself comfortable on top of your boyfriend as you settle down to watch a film, you accidentally hurt him.

the smell of butter popcorn fills the air as you stand in the kitchen, bored. according to you, three minutes is a very long time to wait for popcorn. “you coming baby?” rafe calls from the living room, waiting for you to come watch american psycho with him. “just a minute!” you call back.

the loud beeps of the microwave break your concentration on your nails, alerting you the popcorns done. sighing contently, you open the bag, careful not to burn yourself, before pouring the contents into a large sharing bowl. sparing the kitchen one last glance to make sure you haven’t forgotten anything, you switch off the light and head through to the living room.

as you set the bowl down on the coffee table in front of him, you scanned his figure, internally screaming at how good he looks splayed across the couch. “where am i supposed sit?” you pouted, poking fun at how he’s taken up the whole damn chair. rafe smirks up at you before gesturing for you to simply climb on top of him. deciding to be a bit pedantic, you do exactly that and plonk yourself down on top of him.

nothing could prepare you for the dramatics that would happen next. “fuck!” rafe yells, possibly louder than you’ve ever heard him. your eyes widen at the scene before you. rafe rolls around the rug on the floor, clutching his crotch, possibly in tears.

at first you thought he was being dramatic and let out a loud laugh, that was until he began his torrent of curses.

“it’s not fucking funny y/n! do you know how much that fucking hurt?” rafe shouts out in a weak voice, somewhat out of breath. realising what you had accidentally done, you crawl over to him and sit by his side. rafe flinches as you put your hand on his cheek and turns to face you. “oh my god! i’m so sorry! im so so so so sorry! i didn’t mean to!” you pleaded, noticing the tears welling up over his waterline. stroking his face, you lean down to kiss his forehead while he continues his hold down below.

sighing breathlessly, he rolls over onto his back as the pain subsides. his eyes narrow at you, shooting daggers. “you are so going to regret that y/n” he jokes as he quickly jumps up. before you could blink, rafe had you locked in his arms, pinned underneath him as he began tickling you.

kicking and screaming, you struggle to get away from his grip. “rafe! i-im sorry! i didn’t mean to!” you choke out between laughs.

you could never understand why tickling made a person laugh, especially when it was one of the top five torture methods, or atleast it was in your books.

[hermitshideout]

My tips on productivity for those who struggle with procrastination

Those are all tips that I gained from my own experience while fighting with my bad habits for years. I still haven't fully overcome them, but I feel that it helps, so maybe it'll help you too. I'd like to stress that I am not a qualified specialist on mental health and if you're struggling with procrastination the first thing you should do is seek professional help. All that said, here are the tips from me:

Fix your sleeping scedule & wake up early. I personally find it much easier to get into work when I start my day early, I feel like that makes me feel like I woke up to do certain things.

Plan a daily morning & night routine. It doesn't have to be long, but anything's better than staring at your phone for an hour after you woke up or before going to sleep.

Make to-do lists and prioritize tasks. I personally am forgetting things often, so having a list of things to be done really helps. I also like planning my work for the whole month and putting my calendar where I can see it so I always see when my deadlines are.

Don't dive into work without rest, it'll only make your procrastination impulses more. I have actually made that mistake many times. If you have a project or any other task that you're really passionate about, take your time. You don't want to juat work non-stop on it 24/7 so you burn out and find yourself unable to get out of bed for weeks. Keep in mind that you should switch activities time to time, I, for example, prefer to work for about 5 hrs a day (I don't go to college rn, I study for my entrance exams and am also working from home), sometimes a little more, and also take some time for exercise, hobbies and just chilling (like watching some Netflix for an hour). Give your brain a break.

Work on your perfectionism or other mental things that trigger your procrastination. Of course, the best way to do that is to get into therapy, but if you're a broke ass like me and you can't afford therapy, those are things that I do: a) research; for me part of the help was just figuring out why I procrastinate, turned out perfectionism isn't a very healthy thing; b) journaling; sometimes getting your thoughts and worries on paper just helps me to clear my mind and take a side look on myself; c) talk to someone about this stuff; sometimes it helps to just talk about your concerns with someone you're close with to get some support from them; ofc don't treat them like your free therapist, but sometimes your loved ones can give you a useful insightinsight.

Add some physical activity to your daily routine. It really helps. Not sure why thought, it probably has something to do with hormones and stuff.

Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect, no one can just snap their finger and turn into a super productive version of themselves in one day. You'll trip and fall time to time, but it's okay. You are already doing a lot by simply working to become better. Learn how to forgive yourself and accept all your flaws. It is definitely easy to say, I know, I have been trying to do that for years now and I'm still not done. But you can do that, have faith in yourself.

That's all I think. Those are not the only things I do ofc, but they are the most basic ones I think. Share your own tips, if you have them!

[bigmack2go]

Watching german newsies. Am disturbed. Need sleep now.

Update

Jack „duzt“ (the not formal you) kloppman and i love it

So they have absolutely no singing skills which is weird considering its a musical

YK THE PART IN CARRIING THE BANNER WHERE THEYRE ALL SINGING ABOVE EACH OTHER??? HALF OF THOSE ARE ENGLISH???

Not abt the german sync but i love boots so much ydek i love him almost as much as albert

They also call themselves newsboys in the german version like BRO WHAT ARE YOU CHANGING THE NAME FOR IF YOURE NOT TRANSLATING IT ANYWAY

PLSSSS „hast du keine aguen im kopf“😭

They did make it a whole lot clearer what jack meant when he talked about oscar with his shoes on

And you can understand what they say in the backround soooo much better

Mush’s voice actually fits better than his real one

Snaps is so funny😭😭

Omg boots singing in german is smt I didn’t know i needet (because i dont. Its terrible)

Blink cant pronounce Harlem „helm“💀💀💀 you go boy! Don’t let anyone tell you not to where that helmet!

WE LOVE U DENTON UR AN ICON *fucking fangirls*

„Spot kanlen“

They made „i spent a month there one night“ into „a night there always feels like a whole month“ :(

Wheres the fun in that???

What the hell is a spot kanlen

I take the thing with races sync back. In fact i think its really really good. And so is blinks (especially blinks) and skitterys.

STOP SAYING KANLEN WHAT TH HELL

I already didn’t understand why they would make a song called seize the day when it could be carpe diem but i guess in English it makes sense cause you can say both versions. In german u cant. No one ever said „nutz den tag“ if anything they say „nutze“ but like just say carpe diem christ. Maybe u can actually find some fitting rhymes then that aren’t just the same thing twice.

THE NEWSIES BACK UP A GAY KID IN THE GERMAN VERSION!!! I REPEAT!!! THEY CANONICALLY BACK UP A KID THAT GOT CALLED A schwuchtel (which is the german equivalent to f4got) THIS IS NOT A DRILL GUYS

„das hinkebein? Ich hohl ihn“ why was that actually kinda cute????

„IcH wIlL NiChT dAS JeManD MicH tRäGt“

Istg crutchie is such a slow talker in german i cant even

RACHE FÜR CRUTCHIE

AINT NO WAY THEY QUOTED STARWARS😭😭😭

„Brooklyn hält euch die Stange“

Thats what he said—

(Im so invalid for this😭)

Ok just lemme get this straight cuz im not sure im correct. The newsies on the pic are the characters that actually got named right??

I have so many feelings about german kony and only very few of them are good

But snipeshooter still kind sounds like himself in it so i guess that good

WHY R THERE NO GERMAN SUBTITLES THO????

Ok but „harlem bis nach sonst wo“ was actually handled pretty well

I only just realized mush swalloing a laugh when davey doesn’t wanna spit shake

Why do they juat completely change some things they say?? Like they could have easily translated it??

Why is the refuge and orphanage in german

IS LES SMOKING???

Edit: nvm its just a lollipop

Istg Esther is so done

GEWERKSCHAFT

(I didn’t even know that was a word)

Still can’t believe blush is cannon

Ok but in santa fee jack talks to a crowd, to himself and to someone else entirely all at the same time

The way jack say snoddy is simply just wrong

Skittery is weird too

„Spot conlen macht uns n bisschen nervös“ nawwwwww fucking cute ass

Omg the men in the backround talking????? Awesome!! Can hear every word!! „Die werden sich noch umsehn“ yass

Why tf they calling him captain instead of kelly

„ICh FrEsS n BeSeN“

Ast-rein

Boots is so poursouled

Edit: i take it back

Reminder to anyone hc‘ing mouth as daveys nickname that in german his nickname would be SpRacHrOhR

WHY DO THEY TAKE DIFFERENT ENGLISH WORDS??? Either u translate it or you leave it. But if you’re changing it but not translating wheres the point??

WAS WILLST DU DAMIT SAGEN? HAT SPOT ALSO RECHT??

Nothing. And i mean nothing. Makes sense in seize the day. And it doesn’t rhyme.

WiR GEBEN IHNEN SAURES

Fucking blink

Edit: rn -mush

Why is crutchie so dumb?

I just realized some of the scabs were already convinced before the fight w the Delancys

What is the woody gate??

Boots is a fucking icon

Spot just livked his palm instead if soitting in it??

NO O E FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT

What denton says doesn’t make any fucking sense istg

Some of the rhymes in kony are actually okay

THEY REMOVED SPOTS VIBRATO

cant fucking understand a word snipeshooter says

„gut so“ KLOPPMAN LOML

Why did snider donate to the strike??

Herrliche aussicht STFU ALREADY

Who casted Sarah‘s sync???

Motherfucking Pulitzer is licking the paper

Motherfuxker is one of them the guy frim umsere kleine farm

„Brooocklin“

Wtf they didn’t even try to make emphasis‘s similar

They removed meddas accent:(

Just realized the bodyguard spot turns into when snider shows up

Also one lf the guys looks exactly like live‘sies spot

Blink being a bodyguard is the reason i‘m alive

Istg what did spot expect dumbass

HOW DID DAVEY HET AWAY BUT NO ONE ELSE

Not them changing the order 💀

I love that the newsies have priority

1 children

2 women

3 jack

4 themselves

5 davey

6 their friends

7 other newsies

8 other people

I motherfucking love 92‘sies henry

Why is the mayor plying bodyguard now

Pulitzer poking jack is even better in german

Seiz is talking such bullshit tho??? Doesn’t even make sense. Je litteraly does have somewhere to go

what DID crutchie do to the sauerkraut??

Santafee be like����📉📈📉📈📉📈📉

ScHoN gUt BiN nIcH tAuB

JA MERKT MAN BRUDER DU HAST IHN GRAD NE HALBE EWIGKEIT IGNORIERT NATÜRLICH SCHREIT er

„Wie ein pinkel“????? Huh??

Boots is so dedicated about the clothes what the hell??

Why does davey say i dont even know your real name instead he of you didn’t even tell me your real name.cause lts not true?? And He could have said that?

Why did i think they replaced weasel at the end??? They didn’t. They have two at the beginning too

sarah decking morris is my motto of life

Les 🥺🥺🥺

MorriS‘s german laugh is my life istg thats so funny

Und das ist für crutchie

YOU TELL EM LES

vorallam nicht klug? Yop. Absolutly. Positive. Correct.

Wait theres a picture of the irl Katherine in pulitzers office

How did they get the word „kriegsberichterstatter“ in the word „warreporter“ but not „kenne“ in „tell me“

WHY R WE TALKING ABOUT BAGUETTE NOW????

Why does denton say pulitzer so weird “pOUUUlitser”

[yaksha-lover]

Hello hello!

Hi again from me!

Since my last ask, I've... well safe to say, am very in love with it that I've read it more than I could remember and in the midst of my nth time reading it... I once again came up with an idea. Not much of an idea when it just a request of a 2nd part of it but yeah...

If you don't mind me requesting this (you could juat ignore this if you don't feel like doin it tho)

So, since Mal and the tweels are planning to rescue our kidnaped Mc. I have an idea where they found where the kidnaper was and when they arrived there MC... was... well, not safe. Since in my opinion kidnapping can induce a heavy mental stress and kidnapers... well, they can be very violent. So I would like to see how the vampires react and comfort MC who just hugged them in the midst of them beating up the kidnaper and begged them to just go home while trembling violently and unable to stand from all the mental and physical stress they had in this incident.

And how the 3 would react after the incident itself XD

Just tell me if I'm asking too much cuz I'll try and hold back next time I want to send you a request

Hello! Sorry this took some time for me to get to. Hope you like it!

Part 1

You get Kidnapped Pt. 2 - Malleus, Jade & Floyd

cw: kidnapping, implied violence

Malleus:

Malleus, who is normally very mellow, would absolutely lose himself to anger if he saw you hurt in any way. Even if you just seemed shaken up, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from getting rid of the threat to your life.

When you cling to him, begging for him to stop, Malleus becomes terrified for a whole other reason.

If you became scared of him, he doesn’t know what he’d do. He’s used to being intimidating to others, and being isolated because of it, but you’ve never feared him.

Lilia came with Malleus to rescue you, and he’s the one who will stay behind and deal with the kidnappers so Malleus can take you away from this stressful situation.

As soon as he made sure you were out of danger, he holds you so, so tight. If you looked at him with any fear, it would break his heart. He reassures you that he would never hurt you, never.

He’d offer anything he can think of that would make you feel better. Warm bath? Food? To be held? He’s getting it for you.

It would definitely hurt him if you asked for distance, but he would also understand and stay away for the time being.

He would still check on you silently and from a distance, or get someone else (Lilia or Silver) to go see you in his place. Malleus would be quite paranoid after what happened to you.

Overall, I think Malleus would keep himself small and controlled around you, especially directly after it’s happened.

You would need to reassure him that you’re okay, that you still want to see him, that you’re not afraid. With your words in mind, he’d mostly return to his normal behaviour around you, albeit much more protective.

It might frustrate you, but he won’t let you go outside without him or Lilia anymore. Even the other residents, he doesn’t trust them to be strong enough to protect you from all the terrible things Malleus knows is out there.

Jade & Floyd:

The twins, Floyd especially, aren’t used to having others object to their ways too strongly. Mostly they know the tweels will simply ignore them.

Jade has stood back, allowing Floyd to get out his more violent impulses first, but he freezes when he feels something grip tightly around his waist. He relaxes when he realizes it’s just you, but he becomes increasingly concerned at your behaviour.

You’re shaking and crying, even while he’s got you in his arms. Surely you know you’re safe now?

Still holding on to Jade, you cry out for Floyd to stop, pleading with him for all of you to leave.

Floyd hesitates for a moment, looking over at you from his place. The sight of his bloodied hands make you recoil further into Jade’s chest, hiding your eyes.

For the first time, you hear Floyd call out to you by your actual name. Although he’s caught up in the moment, as soon as Jade tells him to back off he will.

The tweels are able to work together seamlessly. Normally Floyd is reluctant to listen to anyone, even his brother, but this time he’ll do as he says.

If you’re too shaken to walk, Jade will pick you up bridal style and carry you to safety while Floyd deals with the remaining threats before quickly following after you and his brother.

The two of them will respect your wishes for once. If you want to be left alone they will do so, but if you want them there neither will leave your side.

Even if you wish to be alone, they stay near you from a distance, always there to step in if you need help or comfort. Inevitably Floyd will get bored and wander off, but only because he knows Jade is there to watch over you.

If you want them to stay with you, you’ll find that they will be uncharacteristically gentle with you.

They’ll insist you stay in their room, at least for that night. They’ll push their beds together, and you’ll be able to have one of them to protect you on both sides.

They will try to distract you from the previous events, watching a movie with you on the tv in their room.

Floyd will still tease you, but in a way you think is oddly sweet. He even settles down contently at a point, once he’s got an arm around your back.

Jade occupies your other side, holding your hand comfortingly.

Throughout the movie, you notice that the two of them will keep stealing glances at you. Just like Malleus, you’ll need to reassure them that you aren’t going to fall apart.

Regardless, your kidnapping has changed the nature of your relationship with the tweels.

Floyd’s change will be more obvious, with him being more physically affectionate with you, pulling you into his side whenever he sees you. His teasing continues, but he is gentle about it, focusing less on making you uncomfortable and more on getting a blush from you.

Jade is more subtle, but he will be much more observant of you, noticing your smallest changes in moods. His offers to listen to your woes become much more genuine than before, and they will now be accompanied by an offer of a night of comfort together with him and Floyd.

[kill-for-cookies]

Whittaker! Master with a virgin Reader that I never kiss and never gave myself to anyone.

Hey, anon! Thank you for request. This is the first one in a while. And I hope I got it right. Well, somewhere in the middle of the fic, I had to rewrite everything, because I misunderstood request.

Anyway, this was so much fun to write all this, so I hope you enjoy!

Bodyguard for an angel

---------------------------------------------------

"I thought you didn't like this kind of thing" you said as you entered the control room and straightened your dress for the upcoming party.

You definitely didn't expect the Master to come into your room in the morning and wake you up, saying you two were going to a party. At first, when you were still dreaming through your half-open eyes, you didn't understand anything. But as soon as the Master came back in a few minutes later with the dress in her hands, you started to understand what she meant before.

"That's right. But you've been looking bored lately. That's why I decided to stir you up" the Master still wore her red shirt and waistcoat with some gold circles on it. They were like the other circles you saw in the Master's TARDIS.

Maybe she was right. Maybe you just needed to have some fun. So you followed the Master out of the TARDIS. You found yourself in utility room. Apparently, the Master decided not to use the chameleon circuit and hide the time machine from prying eyes.

Now you were in a giant white hall with orange and purple lights. To your left were huge windows with a view of space... Oh! So this party was on a spaceship.

You raised your head and looked curiously at everything and everyone. Even turned around to examine this room. You couldn't take your eyes away. Of course, thanks to the movies, this was about what you imagined, but who would have thought the directors and writers was right?

"Do you like it?" you jumped in surprise.

When you turned to the voice, you saw a rather attractive young man. Not your type, though. You just nodded, smiling sweetly. Not to say you were shy, but you weren't eager to talk to strangers.

"Are you here alone?"

"Um... Actually, I'm here with a friend..." you looked around nervously, searching for the blond head and frowning when you didn't find it. Apparently, you fell behind the Master while you were enjoying surroundings.

"I am the owner of this ship. There's a microphone in my office. We can make an announcement for your friend" the young man came up to you and abruptly pulled you to him with his hand on your waist.

A gasp of surprise escaped from your throat and your eyes blinked rapidly. If you looked down, you would see your hands were shaking from the whole situation. You cringed and tried to move away, but it didn't work.

"L-let me go, p-please..." from confusion and embarrassment (maybe surprise, too), you stuttered, trying to hold yourself back from going to a whisper.

The ship's owner simply didn't listen to your request and tightened his grip on your waist. Now you had no way out of this situation. No chance of escape.

But the worst part was everyone looked at you curiously. You were very nervous and worried about what everyone thought of you and the owner of the ship. And the more you paid attention to this, the more your cheeks got redder and your heart beat faster.

When you went upstairs and reached the door, you tried once again to get rid of unnecessary and unwanted attention.

"Thank you for caring, but I see my friend out there, so..."

But before you could finish or leave, you were pushed into dark office. You were far enough from the door to escape. Your first thought was the young man was going to kidnap you or something like this. But deep down, you had a feeling everything would be worse than you could imagine.

"What's going on? What are you doing?" you started to slowly step back from the ship's owner who was rapidly approaching.

"Same as you..."

"I don't know what you're talking about..." fear and worry began to grow in your chest. You couldn't even breathe. And your heart was pounding so fast that you could feel it.

Suddenly you hit something. It was a desk. There was nowhere to run. Besides, your pursuer was very close, a couple of meters away from you. You pressed head to your chest, turning away to avoid being kissed. You didn't want the first kiss in your life to be with some random stranger. But it didn't happen and you opened eyes, when you heard it.

"Take another step and I'll cut your throat" you saw terrified face of the ship's owner in front of you. By lowering your eyes a little, you could see why he was so scared. There was a knife at his throat.

"Master? What are you doing here?" you didn't see her, but you recognised her voice.

"Actually, I just came for a chat with old friend" if the room was brighter, you could have told for sure, but it seemed the Master pressed the knife closer. "Are you all right, pet?" she poked her head over the young man's shoulder, smiling broadly.

"I'm okay now" you pushed your hands away from the table and moved to the side so that you could see the Master properly.

"We need to talk, right?" the ship's owner made a faint sound of agreement and the Master juat giggled at this. "Go back to the TARDIS, love" she emphasised the last word softly. It sounded almost too soft, even sweet. As if she was trying to prove something.

"But..."

"Go" now it was an order that you couldn't fail to obey.

Without hesitation, you headed for the door. Now you were in front of the door and grabbed the handle, not looking back at the scene. But you wouldn't forgive yourself if you didn't try something. Just say it, not argue with her. You were really hoping you could get away with it.

"Please, Master, don't kill him" with that, you left the room, feeling the Master's gaze on you, which sent a shiver down your spine.

A few minutes later, when you entered the TARDIS, you leaned against the console, waiting for the Master, and stared at the door.

A lot of things were going through your head. What would happen to the young man? Would she kill him or not (although the answer was obvious)? How would the Master react to the current situation? What would she say and do? Maybe she'd just leave you in your small, unsightly apartment, which you didn't want to go back to, because the Master wasn't there.

The door slammed. Your eyes flew up at the blonde, entering the TARDIS. To your surprise, she looked cheerful. Besides, you didn't see any bloodstains on her hands or clothes. Although she wore a red shirt...

"Oh, darling, are you still here? I thought you'd decide to go to your room. Or you're waiting for my permission?" the Master was grinning at you, barely holding back from a giggle. It didn't take a genius to figure out she liked to live up to her name. "Then I'll let you, pet" every time she called you so, you started to blush a little. And that was probably why she kept doing it.

"Actually, I wanted to ask..." you started hesitantly with your head down, only occasionally looking up at the Master and immediately down as soon as you met hers. "What happened to him?"

"To whom?" did she really forget? In general, she could, but then there was another question 'would she?' Or maybe, she was just pretending.

"To the ship's owner..." The Master still seemed thoughtful, like trying to remember who it was. Now she was definitely pretending. "The one you held the knife to."

"Ah, you mean him..." sometimes the drama irritated you, especially when it was completely out of place. "Why do you care about him? Do you like him?" the Master's face was completely cold and emotionless, which usually meant she was angry.

"What? No, of course not. I don't want to think what would have happened if you hadn't intervened..." the Master didn't show any emotion, but you could see in her eyes she calmed down. "I just don't want more blood on your hands because it's my fault for getting into trouble" now you didn't dare look up, because most likely she would laugh at you.

But you were wrong. Nothing happened for a few seconds. Well, you couldn't tell for sure, because your eyes stared at the floor. Maybe, you should look at the Master, but you didn't. So the Master raised your chin, forcing you to look directly into her eyes. And you didn't see a hint of a mockery or anything like that. No, on the contrary, they were full of care and soothing gliter.

"It's not your fault, love. I forbid you to even think about it" you couldn't help but smile at that. After a short pause, the Master continued, seeing you were ready to listen.

"I'm very flattered you care so much about me. But honestly, that bastard deserves to die just for trying to kiss you. I couldn't let him defame an angel like you" the hand tucked a lock of hair behind your ear as gently as anything she said. "But I didn't kill him. I couldn't, because you asked for it so nicely" and that was how it always ended, when the Master was soft. Sometimes, she was so predictable. "Now go to your room and rest, pet."

It was hard not to roll your eyes, but you weren't going to stop yourself from doing it. But before you left, you wanted her to understand something. Very important to you. And given how bad the Time Lords were in their feelings, you needed to be direct.

"I just want to say it really means a lot to me. Thank you" in gratitude, you decided to kiss her on the cheek. This didn't count as a real kiss.

After that, you quickly went to your room, leaving the Master speechless. She was rarely silenced by anything. Always had a sharp word for any situation, but this time it was different. The Master had no idea it would come to this. But the reward was definitely worth it. And she always would be there to protect you. Always.

[bakatenshii]

AHHHH genshin tag genshin tag!! THANK U ANNYY HEHE

— why I started playing?

funny enough I acc thought I used to play it a few yrs ago and was rly confused at why it’s blowing up everywhere n then I realized I played honkai instead HAHAH n then I fell. down the rabbithole. and thats where I’ve been for the past few months meep

— first crush?

razor. (bcos he looks like shig n then I found out theyre both voiced by kouki cue death)

— latest crush?

I’ve come to the crippling realization recently that my heart does Things for Childe (which is exactly the same process when I realized I was in L word with oiks)

— main?

razor 4evr <33

— enemy you hate the most?

lawachurls. i’d say azdaha but lawachurls make me irrationally mad && azdaha is at least cute.

— mobile or pc?

mobile,, I’m not coordinated enough for pc

— favourite element?

pyro tbh!!

— least favourite element?

g-geo. and hydro bcos I hate being frozen

— character you want to get?

out of the new ones, gorou 100000% I am waiting with my wallet open ready to be emptied for him. in general; venti, and scaramouche if they ever release him (plz i am on my knees)

— favourite elemental reaction?

superconduct bcos it’s most viable for me, but vape/melt for big pp dmg. also freeze is v satisfying too tbh

tags: anyone that plays genshin n wants to do it!! I havent been on here in so long idk who plays it but pls do this if u do!! ♡♡

Tag game -Genshin edition

Thank you so much for tagging me @callmeasyouwantidk!

(Yes! Finally Genshin tag game!)

1. Why started playing?

I had gotten bored playing Bleach Brave Souls and Genshin had been sitting on my phone untouched for a while, so I just decided to try playing it.

2. First crush?

Probably Zhongli. 💛

3. Latest crush?

Kazuha. 💚

4. Main?

I actually usually use two teams: one is a 'strong' team that I mainly use for bosses and such while another one is for dailies. For my strong team, it's Keqing and at the moment Kazuha is running my dailies team.

5. Enemy you hate the most?

Azhdaha.

6. Mobile or PC?

Mobile.

7. Favorite element?

Electro or cryo.

8. Not liked element?

Pyro, because I always end up burning myself. 😅

9. Character u wanna get?

Eula, Diluc, Baal, Sayu and Yae Miko at the moment.

10. Favorite elemental reaction?

Super conduct

Tagging: @the-con-she-called-conscience, @blamedorange, @joutei, @avokkun, @unohanadaydreams, @randomfan13, @sunflowetteok, @dumbdoggie, @annypuff, @tumbleweedmemethemes and anyone else who plays Genshin!

[ceratonia-siliqua]

As someone who follows both of you I am 99% certain you’ve made mossystark feel super bad about himself by live tweeting about how close and “platonically” lovey-dovey you and his girlfriend are... Not trying to be mean or critcize I’m juat trying to point out that I think you might’ve really hurt his feelings.

While I can understand that being the case and understand the upset, the dynamics Richie has with Ru and the one I have are as they are. Richie has privileges that I certainly don’t and while upsetting, I do keep it to myself because it’s Ru’s choice as to the way she interacts with the two of us individually. There have been plenty of times in which I have been upset at the ways they interact that we don’t, but I am confident enough in my relationship with her to understand that it’s just how things will play out when you’re looking at a romantic vs. platonic relationship. 

The way you’ve framed platonically in quotation marks does rub me the wrong way. Ru and I are both avid writers and we’re not able to meet up in person right now due to her health and covid which means no physical contact. For us, the only way we can show affection is through writing. Ru extends beyond a friend for me, she is family and the first person who has ever made me feel like an equal. I’m struggling more with Ru simply being in the hospital than I did about my great grandmother dying. Is our bound outside what appears normal at times? Yes, I can understand that it is weird from the outside. We’re all adults here though and if this is something Richie is struggling with then I’d rather talk to him personally about it. I don’t want him to feel as though he is somehow below me in Ru’s heart because I know how shitty that can feel. Ru and I have discussed in the past that for her Richie and I are equals but on different ends of things. While I did remove the post for his sake, I do have a right to my interactions with her. If the way we interact is something uncomfortable for him then I would be happy to discuss it and clear the air, hopefully, bring Ru in when she is better to give her side of things. 

I would trade my life for Ru’s right now, okay? I love her so much it hurts to breathe most days knowing she’s hurting. We’re in a scary fucking time and right now we’re just taking it day by day and I’m never going to deny her the comfort she needs to get through this. “Till the end of the line” for us is about the fact that I’m not going to abandon her during all this, that no matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, that I’m not going to let her face this on her own. I’m fucking terrified right now. I’m so fucking scared. I can’t end a text to her without an “I love you” right now because I’m scared shitless of it not being the last thing I tell her before she goes back to sleep. If this were any other time I would gear it back if it was hurting Richie, but right now is not the time for me to pull away from her. If I need to pull back on talking about it, then I will. I don’t like the idea of him being any sadder than he already is. Ru is my best friend and the most important person in my life, I don’t want to upset her boyfriend because I know us squabbling would be the worst thing for her, especially right now. I have no intention of threatening Richie’s place, I’m about as straight as a circle. I just want her to know how much she means to me, posting about it was just my way of putting it out into the universe because I literally have no other outlet other than screaming into the void because my parents are refusing to talk to me about it and my mom thinks I’m diving headfirst into the looney bin. Sometimes my blog just ends up as a way to journal it and feel heard. 

I know you probably didn’t mean for me to get this riled up about it but there is a lot going on behind the scenes. I’ve been trying to connect with Richie privately but that is not something he wants from me right now. I’d much rather bond over our mutual affection for Ru than go throwing it out onto the internet. He has his needs and I have my own and that’s something I want to respect, but I am trying to cope with this just as much as he is. I had to see what is going on with Ru right now and it broke me last night. I have to deal with my family doubting Ru is even a real fucking person. I’m only surviving because I am trying to focus on how much light she’s brought into my life and the kindness of strangers on the internet. I don’t have a support system right now. I don’t have friends to vent to about this. I just have the vast blue void of tumblr to scream into. I’m going to try talking to Richie, I sent him a message before I even started responding to this but we’re in near opposite times zones. I know you were just trying to help but this was something that would have been better between us than something like this.

[spoopthatdoop]

Study Tips!

I am now into almost the third week of the first semester at University. This being my second semester of study altogether at a University and i have to say i am loving it, all of it!

I have been putting in a lot of Active reading methods that i think everyone should take note of when their starting out or even just lacking some motivation in. So please read these tips, they will help, trust me!

Last semester i had some set backs with Mathematics as i always do because lets face it, maths is hard. But i am pushing on from that and going above what i did last to achieve even better grades. Here are juat a few tips you should keep in mind on your next study day.

First things first!

Highlighting: I will always stand by this point, highlighting will do you a world of favours. No body likes to sit at a black and white desk writing down in black and white because then you will ultimately learn, in black and white. Trust me as simply as that sounds its basically the bad side of ''simply'. Your mind will not be able to focus well, you will eventually lose your motivation, you will tire trust me. So invest in some highlighters! Be a kid again and get some cool ones even, what ever makes you have a study bomb burst of excitement to actually study! Get various colors, sizes, whatever. But in saying that dont go over board with highlighting. As much as you will LOVE the colour, remember the content; only ever highlight the things that are relevant and of importance.

Marginal Notes!

Marginal notes; thats right guys, margins, we are using them! You cannot go wrong with marginal notes, you just cant. So leave out that bit of space from the lines to the edges to put in something important. But dont worry, it doesnt have to be boring either. You can write in a small quote, keywords, even tiny sketches in order to help you. I have found that relating the contents of your textbook work to something personal will really get your brain gears rolling. Doodle a small sketch of aomething visual, something comical even to make you have a bit of a smile when you look back on aomething that many find boring, relate it to your personal life. Go wild with your imagination as long as it benefits your study.

[silverhoardingprompts]

Megan was over the moon. She had just learned from the doctor that she was pregnant. None of the boys were home yet so she was at their house with jaden, Aurora and baby rosalie. Zane was with Syrus, Atticus visiting alexis and aster was at a match. She didnt know who the father was yet and she didnt care.

"Congrats sis!!" Jaden hugged her tight. Megan giggled.

"Thanks!" She said. She then got an idea. She grinned. "Say jay, you know the pregnancy phrase 'bun in the oven' right?" She asked mischeviously. Jaden snorted, sitting up.

"Yeah, Bastions used it before. Why? What are you up to?" He asked. Rosalie giggled from her baby seat at her aunt's antics. Megan went to their cupboard and pulled out a hamburger bun. She waved it at jay then stuck it in the stove, not turning it on.

"Oh no. Are you gonna make them guess?" Jaden asked as his sister sat back down. Megan grinned and nodded.

"Oh cmon! The looks on their faces will be hilarious!"

-----a hour later-First victim

"Megan I'm home!" Zane was the first it seemed. Megan peeked around the corner. "Oh just in time guys!" Syrus stepped in the house beside zane, Who had gotten the hang of moving the wheelchair around. "In time for what?" Syrus asked. Megan beckoned to the kitchen, the truesdale following. "Syrus can you get something out of the stove for me? I was just baking something." Syrus looked at jaden confused but jaden just winked at him, without zane seeing. Syrus was still confused but opened the oven anyway. "Uh.....its not even on Megan. And it's a hamburger bun." Zane looked at his girlfriend who was simply grinning broadly. "Uh...someone clue us in?" He asked. Jaden tried to not laugh.

"What was it?" Megan simply replied. Zane looked at the bun then back to the oven. His eyes got big.

"Are you serious?" He asked shocked. Megan giggled nodding her head. Poor Syrus was still confused.

"Bun in the oven syrus. Megan's pregnant. " Jaden said, amused at his freind.

"ohhhh. Oh. OH!! OH MY GOSH!" syrus said. Megan laughed coming over and hugging zane who was still in shock but looked happy.

"I dont know to which of the boys is the babies father....but. knowing them. The three of you will probably think of them as your kid regardless." Zane smiled.

"Guilty as charged." He said. "Are you going to pull the same thing on aster and atticus?" Megan giggled and nodded. Zane kissed her hand amused.

"Chaos Gremlin." He teased. Jaden snorted.

"You expect anything less from megs?" He said. Syrus was still bouncing.

"This is great!! Oh my gosh I'm so happy for you guys!!" He cheered.

---next 'victim'---

Atticus came home later that night after jaden n co went home. Megan was by zane on the couch, snuggling him.

"Hey gang I'm home!~" he called. Zane winked at Megan then turned his attention to his other partner.

"Welcome home."

"Welcome home atty!~ I have something for you in the oven!" Megan said, trying to not giggle. Zane had to hide a smile as well.

"Oh cool!~ thanks!" A minute later, cue a very confused Atticus. "Uh....there....there was only a hamburger bun." He said, walking back to the living room. Megan batted her eyes innocently.

"Yeah!" Atticus looked at zane who now was having a very hard time keeping himself from smiling. Atticus looked back at the bun then back at the kitchen.

"I'm lost." He said. By now hed guessed it was supposed a joke of some sort so he thought on it.

"A bun in the oven......." he mumbled. Oh. OH FU--

"OH MY GOD ZANES PREGNANT." Megan busted out laughing as did the former Kaiser which was rare. "NO WAIT--SORRY I--I WAS LOOKING AT ZANE AND MY BRAIN--" Atticus stammered turning red now.

"Atticus oh my god hahaha...." zane laughed. Megan was guffawing on the floor.

"I MEANT OH MY GOD MEGS PREGNANT LOOK I--MY BRAIN--"

"I am never letting you live this down atticus." Zane said grinning. Atticus covered his face groaning. Megan got up and kissed him on the cheek. "Surprise!~" atticus swept Megan up in a hug and kissed her happily.

"Oh my god we're gonna be parents!" He said excitedly. He looked at zane. "Did she get you with it too?" Zane nodded. Megan wiped a tear from laughing.

"Yeah I did. We're gonna get aster too." Atticus snorted.

"Oh my god that's going to be beautiful." He said. "Well last I texted him hes gonna be home tomorrow sooo I'll go put the bun back in its place." He chuckled. "I'm gonna be a dad woo!!"

---- last victim----next day

Aster yawned as he pulled his suitcase into the house. "Hey gang." He said as he saw them at the kitchen table. Atticus sipped his coffee smiling.

"Sup cap'n!" He said. He waved a hand. "Juat in time asty. Megs has something in the over for you." Aster looked confused. "Its cooled down so dont worry about a glove." Atticus said. Aster blinked. "I'll get in a few. After some coffee." He said, sliding into a seat. "I'm exhausted." Megan smiled.

"Howd the match go?" Megan asked. Aster smiled abit.

"Good. It was a girl. Tried throwing me off by flirting with me and I was just. 'Lady I have a girlfriend and two boyfriends. That's not gonna work.'" Megan laughed.

"Oh lord." Atticus handed aster some coffee.

"Ah blessed bean water." Aster said smiling. He took a nice sip. After a few he got up. "Ok let's see what you cooked up now huh megs?" Megan nodded grinning. Aster opened the oven.

"A....hamburger bun...?" He blinked. He pulled it out, atticus snickering. "Ok what is this?" Megan smiled.

"A bun!" She said. Zane grinned sipping his orange juice.

"Dont you recognize a bun aster?" He teased. Aster looked at the bun then back to his partners.

"Uh yeah. But you made it out like it was going to be cookies or something." He said. Megan looked at zane and atticus who were just keeping their cool.

"Its a bun in the oven aster." Megan said simply. The pro was still confused.

"Uh. Yeah."

"I had. a bun. In the oven." Megan coaxed. Aster looked at the bun then back to the others.

"I dont get it." He said. Atticus started wheezing. "What????" Megan coughed

"I have a bun in the oven aster. Think about another meaning to that." Aster thought for a second. Then his face turned a look of extreme surprise.

"Oh. Oh my god....y-youre....oh my god." Aster whispered. He dropped the bun and had to sit back down.

"I'm pregnant." Megan said holding his hand.

"You're pregnant. Oh my god." Aster repeated. Zane chuckled.

"I think we need to reboot him." He said. Aster sipped his coffee then contemplated more. "N-no I'm fine i....oh my god. Im....we're gonna be parents...." aster looked at atticus and zane. "She did this to the two of you too didnt she?" Zane nodded.

"At least your brain didnt short circuit and blurt out that I was expecting instead of megan." Zane grinned. Aster almost spit out his coffee.

"Oh my god what. Atticus?" Aster laughed. Atticus groaned.

"I see you werent kidding about not letting me live that down...." Zane simply smiled.

"When atticus figured it out he accidentally said 'oh my god ZANE'S pregnant.'" Aster snorted.

"Atticus babe holy crap hahaha."

"I also texted 'lexis about it too." Zane smugly said. Atticus's looked mortified

"NOT LEXI!"

(Rosalie belongs to @yugirl )

[doctorpariahdax]

Stick around Corvo fans-How Daud was thrown away and enlightened as a character in Dishonored series.

This is gonna be long so buckle up kiddos. There's a couple things that immediately come to mind for fans of the Dishonored universe and from what I've come across is that you either love Daud or you hate him. And I don't think that's directly a flaw with the character himself but how he was presented. There are a couple things I want to list that I'll further elaborate on that pertain to how Daud was thrown away as a character (ruined) and elaborated on. -dauds inital purpose -mercy or le death -yay classic redemption arc - except lol maybe not what did you do -true character nature -the marked and the outsider's approval -the purpose of doto -the end of daud Now to give you full disclosure I have not yet run through all of Dishonored 2 or doto. I am by no means a completionist, I don't feel pressured to explore every nook and cranny just for some obscure letter written by one of Delilah's witches that tells you something about someone somewhere about hlahblahblhab. Now because I'm a responsible impulse efficient and self controlled person roaming social media I spoiled the end of doto for myself and I am deeply saddened because Daud is my favorite character. I don't know if it's a kink of mine to like dangerous emotionally unavailable and unattainable men (cuz he's ded. Lel nah he's fictional) but Daud was genuinely more interesting to me than Corvo. This is not to say that the first Dishonored is bad, but the story was lacking for me - I'm very much a story seeker- and when the game first came out I played the intro and immediately set down the game thinking, "ehng...". When I decided to give Dishonored another try (*cough this summer cough six years later cough*) I kept going not because of my interest in Corvo or the outsider, or getting Emily back safely (don't get me wrong I like kids but Corvo is either best or worst parent and I can't decide which); I kept going because I wanted to know more about the "villain". He's an assassin, a merc for hire which to me meant his character is either going to be really deep or inexplicably shallow. I was upset at first, he wasn't in the game as much as I thought he would be but Dishonored has a tendency to shove information by into your face /after the fact/. I spared the villain hoping I would see him again. I didn't. ....until I found out there were dlc's. Staying with my rant? Digital cookie for you. Dishonored's story telling was on par and in many cases far better than the knife of dunwall, but the first dlc was very much a setup for the brigmore witches dlc, which in turn was what I think the best story telling in the whole Dishonored series.. Gonna go into my points listed above now because either don't want you to read through this thinking it was total anxiety induced stress writing (...which it definitely isn't....by the way....) There's a general healthy mindset that people inherently dislike villains, evil doers and all round moral miscreants, Daud being an assassin for hire and not much more in Dishonored as his initial purpose was already be placed in a rough position that a portion of players might find amiable but mostly for his badassery and not much in the character development isle. The way I see it is that you first are greeted with Daud's be character development in one of two ways(or a blend): you want Corvo to be moral and spare Daud, or upon hearing that Daud reports to you there's something by inside of him suffering you spare him to let him suffer more. Daud's intial purpose was to be a 'bad guy' and in either scenario he is still seen as being the bad guy or getting a cliche "this is worse than death and you deserve to suffer" sort of ending. When you come to knife of dunwall Daud is...tired. there's no simpler way for me to describe it. He's lived above and away from any higher power than himself (cuz we all know the outsider doesn't seem to give a hair on his left ball about Daud but he'd dress in drag and do the hula for Corvo...#dauddeservesbetterfriends) And we know or at least can vetire the thought that Daud has adjusted to his life as a killer, but he doesn't seem active enjoyment from it. I'm not exonerating Daud's tendency for murder, but think of it this way, he is a serial killer by death count but he's not a Ted Bundy or Hannibal Lecter. Killing doesn't give him satisfacyion, it is just a job and people are hard to become attached to when you have to look at them often as return receipts and cashiers. That's not to say that Daud doesn't feel love. I genuinely think he loved Billie as a sort of best friend and daughter. The death of empress kaldwin has hit daud hard too. He knew it was a bad idea but it was habit, it was just a contract, and jessamine meant nothing of compromise to Daud personally. When Daud is betrayed by Billie and given a death date from the outsider Daud has already submitted in some form to his own fleeting mortality and is pained after decades of his reputation getting ahead of himself to the point where he wouldn't say 'no' to a contract. I feel that Daud felt as though he was becoming more of a Lecter esque serial killer to the public, that who he was, his identity had been lost underneath the bodies he's left in his wake...and he regrets all of it, realizing its futility, pointlessness. People are just contracts to him, but he never actively sought to I'll with the purpose of hurting the very fiber of others' existence... When you spare Daud as Corvo his single line proclaiming how extraordinary your willingness to give him clemency is isn't a line to me that was ultimately thrown to the wind, it was something that genuinely sparked upset and fascination in Daud. Corvo did something Daud hadn't done since he had moved from serkonos, and without the incentive of pay - Corvo decided to spare a life. That ruptures something deeply in Daud, who had already endured his midlife crisis and brings me to the third bullet point "classic redemption arc" although it does matter what you do....that changes Daud's character to me...idk. All in all the only right way I saw to play brigmore witches was to go non-lethal stealth...and trick Delilah into her own spell. Daud is a master assassin. It made no sense for him to merely go jumping around murdering everyone who saw him (this is how I initially played Corvo because dayum I was bad at stealth games also pc controls, but then again Corvo isn't a master assassin when you first meet him...Daud is). After a struggle with Delilah, you hold onto the platform and read her citations and she flies off of you, into the painting, I wanted there to be a classic breathless hero who mutters calmly "gotta quit smoking" ( drum crash) and goes about his business. But! Something I feel a lot of fans of Dishonored overlook is that Daud had no need to further pursue Delilah. He could easily have faded into obscurity around the second mission when he realized that Delilah was after Emily and not him, but he ventures forward, accepting his fate - tired and downtrodden about his choices and the inevitable futility of his fate- in the efforts to save the life and hope that still exists in young Emily, the daughter of the empress he murdered right before her eyes. It's a move of an apology, a silent, self accepting apology with no further requirements for acknowledgement. Which brings me to the true nature of daud in addition to the nature and approval of the outsider to his marked ones. Daud in canon does not kill but traps Delilah. Daud is a mater assassin. He's quick he's quiet he is an efficient man with little room in his life or care for killing as a sport....he is to some extent evil, but he is not incapable of doing good to simply do good. The outsider is decribed furtively as a true neutral character who appeals to the benevolent options but is known to commit 'evil' by not intervening. He seems to be a strong advocate of free will but does extend the occasional helpful hint to his marked ones. Daud is told by the outsider that how he handles Delilah will be viewed with great curiosity which is another added caveat to Daud's evolution as a character and devolution as an identity. The outsider became bored with Daud, stopped willingly checking on him, but when Daud does the 'unusual' sparing Delilah but torturing her for (what was supposed to be eternal) ...he gains the outsider's favor, even if for juat a moment. He fades into obscurity for both Corvo and the outsider, even to his own men, abandoning the identity of 'daud' and presumably not going on a killing spree. The purpose of doto.....I'm not 100% sure of a 'purpose', but doto makes or breaks Daud for most people. For me it did both. But it didn't break Daud's character development for me because he saw the outsider specifically as an excuse for all the murder and the theiving and the murder and did I mention Daud murdered? He had to kill the outsider to prevent another 'daud'. The outsider was the omniscient condoner. 'daud' would not have ever easily existed to such fame or success without the aid and the passive/spontaneous condoning of the outsider and his abilities. Few be if any would have managed to be a 'daud' identity without being able to be so far above the confines of human abolity to cheat mortal instruments of death.... Corvo and his attempt to save Emily would have been a fly's breath shy of impossible without the outsider to tinker with the impossibilities. Daud's action to kill the outsider was selfish, I can see and agree with that, but he only wanted to destroy the exoneration of evil, not to simply forgive his transgressions by eradicating and blaming the one who allowed and corroborated with him to be such. How doto has presented Daud in doto and how many people have received and reacted to Daud's presented purpose in doto did misrepresent and destroy in some regards the development they took with Daud's character, but let me reiterate that his character development itself was not thrown out the window, it was how his character was presented in a plot and the narrative around doto. ...let me again remind you I said I haven't exactly finished doto....because I spoiled it for myself and I don't want Daud to die...again....finally? Maybe not the right words - oh look I've made myself sad, fancy that - but the point. Of this ramble which now I don't know how to end and I don't think I've ever spent so long on Tumblr in one sitting .... Daud is not a poorly constructed character. Doto poorly presented him and he deserved better. Doto also made Daud's character solidfied. He's not a gentle being. He's stern, violent, reserved and determined, but he's also deeply emotional and self loathing. He aspires to destroy the outsider because of what the outsider allowed in to do, he did not pursue or seek to blame the outsider into naively forgiving himself for the crimes he committed. It was a matter of settling his conscience. Probably with the abuse of his powers, a lot of stress, whiskey, cigars, and breaking a handful of bones repeatedly over his career and his guilt Daud was well aware he was on his deathbed long before Billie found him and he had been haunted by his blindness and decades of him /having forgiven and forgotten/ his crimes that it drove him to death. Daud is not a poorly constructed character. I would argue he was a character that the Dishonored series put the most time and effort into.

[jimkellner]

#ThankfulThursday What's one thing about yourself that you're thankful for? I sometimes get grief from people who think I'm egotistical. Does this happen to you too? Truly I'm not. I get why one might think that though - I talk about my accomplishments, my skills, being a #badass, and I say, 'Damn I'm Pretty!™ quite frequently 😎. I simply refuse to focus on what I don't like about myself - stretch marks from having at one time weighing 270 lbs, gigs and clients I didn't get, or the unwavering patience I'd like to have. It wasn't always this way - my focus used to be the opposite, my self talk and self esteem were awful. It took some work to get to the place I'm at now with how I feel about myself. You ALL have MANY positive qualities - focus on those, PLEASE. The more you do, the better about yourself you'll feel. (And if you need help with that - I can help 😊. Juat go to the link in my profile or the one on the picture.. My favorite positive quality about myself that I am thankful for is my sense of humor. What's yours? #SelfEsteem #SelfLove #Hypnotist #Hypnosis https://www.instagram.com/p/ByYQQE4A9c7/?igshid=r8qgyt2uomv3

[walking-the-tightrope]

Head over heals

A/N: THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE! Requested by an amzing anon! I enjoyed writing this! Thank you so much! I did take some inspriation from the song Satisfied from the broadway musical Hamilton.

Pairings: Lucifer Morningstar x Reader

Warnings: Bit of Language

Summary: Love is hard, especially when you are in love with the same person your best friend is currently fawning over.

“Y/N we are going to be late!” your best friend, Sarah, yelled at you. You sighed to yourself and threw your hair up in a simple pony tail. You personally didn’t like going out to night clubs at all but it was Srahs birthday so you kind of had to do it just this once.

“Coming,” you shouted as you grabbed your small hand bag and cell phone. Your heels made a loud clicking noise as you walked down the stairs. You pulled at the terribly short and tight dress that Sarah made you wear aggainst your will.

“You know this dress is really more of a top than a dress,” you complained to Sarah, standing next to her while your other friend and unofficial chaufer Megan brought the car out from the prking garage.

“Oh its a dress,” Sarah said, “It make’s your legs and ass looking incredible anyways. I personally couldn’t wear that without a bra.”

“Can’t tell if thats a complement or an insult,” You said to yourself as Megan pulled up the car. Sarah walked around to the otherside, as you got into the car, pulling down the dress as you did. 

“Let’s get this party started!” Meg said, throwing the car into drive and slamming the gas pedal.

“Where are we going again?” you asked, “I already forgot the name of the place.”

“LUX, its the hottest place in LA.” Megan said as she sped on the highway. “Sex, bear and hot men. What’s not to like?”

You rolled your eyes slightly, “I can think of a few things.” you said to yourself.

“What is your thing against clubs anways?” Meg asked.

“I juat don’t see the fun in going to them,” you replied simply. “Honestly, you party all night and drink, have a one night stand with a guy, wake up in the morning hungover as hell and ot remembering a damn thing about the previouse night. Just seems pretty pointless to me.”

“Its not always like that,” Sarah countered. “I met Mike at a club and we became more than a one night stand.”

“Yeah and look where that went,” you said. “He cheats on you and you break his nose.”

Sarah laughed. “Hey, it was good while it lasted.”

“Maybe if you actually enjoy yourself for once instead of just sulking at the bar, you may meet someone,” Meg said as she turned onto a busy street. You could see up ahead a large crowd outside of a building, which you coud only assume was LUX. Meg pulled up to the club building and the three of you got out of the car, Meg tossing the keys to the valet. 

While Meg and Sarah walked with absolute convidence, not caring that their asses where barely being covered by their ‘dresses’ nor that men were cat calling them as they walked by, you kept pulling at your dress, hating the fact that it kept riding up on your ass.

 You were thankful when you dinnally made it into the club itself and there was seating so you wouldn’t be so uncomfortable in the shirt/dress combo. You walked up to the bar and took a seat, your body pounding as the loud music filled the room occupied with sweating and horny people.

“Y/N come on lets dance! It is my birthday you know,” Sarah yelled over the noise. 

“I’ll join you in a second. I just need to rest my feet these heels are killing me!’ you lied. In truth you had no intention of partying with Sarah and Meg, butyou knew that once they got into it, they would soon forget you were there. Meg nodded and dragged Sarah by the hand into the dense crowd.

“Well, you look like you could use a drink,” the bartender, a beuatiful black haired woman said. “What’ll it be?”

“2 shots of Fireball whiskey,” you said simply. She looked almost shocked but at the same time pleased and poured you the two shots. You thanked her and she moved on to the other people at the bar. You drank your first shot with one gulp and stared at the wall, trying to tune out all the background noise.

“I’m guessing clubs are not your thing, darling,” A deep britsh voice said. You rolled your eyes, ready to tell the guy off. You turned to look at him, the words already in your mouth. However, when you looked at him, you were left stumed ito silence.

He immediately struck you as a man who was handsome and he knew it. He had deep, ebony hair and mischevious onyx-brown eyes. He was tall and built but still looked slim and trimmed in his dark suit. Overall, you could help but think just how dashingly handsome he was.

“Oh don’t worry, you’re not the first one to be stunned into silence by my good looks,” the man said. 

You cleared your throat and recomposed yourself. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean you forget yourself Mr....”

“Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar.” He replied

You nodded. “My is Y/N Y/L/N.”

“So, Y/N what brings you to a place like this when you clearly don’t want to be here?” Lucifer asked.

“It’s my friends brithday. She wanted to come here, so thats what we did.” you said simply. “I am personally just not a big party person. Never saw the point of them, really.”

“You humans are so strange,” Lucifer laughed. “Always need a reason for something rather than just doing something because you can.”

You scoffed to yourself. “You say that like your not human. What do you have, a god complex?”

He looked at you, genuinely offended. “I most certainly do not. Quite the opposite actually. I’m the devil, love.”

“Like the actual devil?” You asked. He nodded as if it were that simple. “Ok, sure.

“What? I’m serious,” Lucifer defended. 

You put your hands up in surrender. “Hey, I just said ok.”

“No but if there is one thing I learned from being on earth is that when you humans say ok, you really mean you don’t believe me or you think its a joke,” Lucifer stated. 

“I just said okay. Seriousl, if you want to be the devil, then who am I to stop you.” 

“Well, I didn’t exactly ask to be the devil.” He said.

“Really? Way I remember it being told is that you and god and his other angels were like a pretty kick ass rock band and then you decided to go solo,”You said simply. At hearing this, Lucifer couldn’t help but laugh and you joined with him.

“Well, I must say I have never heard it put quite like that,” Lucifer said when he regainded his breath again. 

You gave a soft chuckle. You downed your other shot of whiskey. “ Ok so who are you really?” you asked.

“We just disscussed this,” Lucifer siad. “I’m the devil.”

You just shook your head. “Well, it has been nice talking to you. I’m pretty sure you have others to talk to.”

“No, not really,” Lucifer said. He took out a piece of paper and wrote something down. “I do quite like talking to you, actually.” He handed you the paper and you took it. You put it into your small handbag, in its own little zipping compartment to avoid it being ripped.

 “Well, I do so enjoy talking to you as well. Maybe we should-” you began before stopping midsentance as you caught Sarah’s eye from across the room. 

She wasn’t so much as looking at you, as she was at Lucifer. The way she looked at him was with a helpless expression to her eyes, as if she was drowning in all his beauty and grace. You knew without them two having even shared a look, that Sarah was so in to him. And then, you looked at Lucifer who was staring at you in curiosity, as he hadn’t seen Sarah. Then you knew what you had to do. 

“Come with me,” you said, linking your arm through his. He looked at you with a confused expression.

“Where are you taking me?” he asked.

“I think I am about to change your life,” you replied.

He smiled and let out a bemused chuckle. “Well then by all means, please lead the way.”

Sarah was watching you as you brought her face to face wih Lucifer. Lucifer looked at Sarah up and down. 

“Hi.. uhh..I’m Sarah. Sarah Coleman.” Sarah stuttered out. 

“This is that friend I was telling you about, you know the one who’s birthday it is today.” you clarified for him.

“Lucifer Morningstar.” he introduced.

“Your club is quite amazing,” Sarah said. 

“Well, thank you,” He said. You looked between them two and decided now was the time to go. 

“Well, I am going to go home, I am not feeling to well,” You said. “I’ll leave you two to it.” You turned on your heel and walked out of LUX, fully aware of Lucifer’s eyes on you as you left the club

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To say that Sarah and Lucifer had blossomed into something else was an understatment. Sarah would never shut up about her and Lucifer and honestly it both annoyed and hurt you. Annoying because Sarah could honestly not see that she was hurting you everytime. And hurtful because ever since you had met him at LUX on that fateful night, you two had clicked instantly. You had never stopped thinking or fantasizing about.

However, you saw Sarah looking at him helplessly and knew what you had to do. Besides, you were certain it couldn’t have worked out between you two because you simpley were not good enough compared to him. Sarah was perfect for him. 

“Hey Y/N I’m home,” Sarah said, her voice travlling across the apartment. 

“Hey, I am in the living room!” you called. Sarah’s heels clicked softly against the wooden floors as she made her way to you, sitting down next to you on your couch while you continued to draw your current piece, a drwing of Lucifer playing the Piano. You quickly hid the drawing as Sarah tried to look.

“Oh come on! You never hide your drawings from me,” Sarah begged. “What is it?”

“Nothing! Just something I was trying to start before you came in,” You replieed.

‘Bull! I saw something,” Sarah said.

“Why do you care so much?” you asked, frustration evident in your voice.

Sarah looked at you then snatched your sketch book from your hands and jumped up and went to one side of the circle table in the kitchen, you chasing after her.

“What is so bad that you don’t...want...me...” She began, trailing off as she looked at the drawing. You looked at her face, looking for a reaction or for her to realize the nature of your true feelings. 

Instead she smiled.

“My god, you are quite the artist. I knew you were good, but the deatil in this is just astonishing. You got Lucifer’s hands perfect!” Sarah complimented. She tossed your sketch book to you. “Its is honestly a beautiful piece. You should show Lucifer when its done.”

“No!” you said abruptly. Sarah looked taken a back by the sudden out burst. “I just mean, I am not comfortable showing other people outside you and Meg my drawings.’

“Well get comfortable, because you have a date with a guy,” she informed you. “His name is Jullian and he is an artist, just like you.”

“What?” You asked, shocked at the sudden infomation that had been provided to you. 

“Juillian is one of my firends that I met at collage a few months ago. I told him about and you and he said he’d be interested. So I made plans and now I have told you.” Sarah said simply. “Now go get ready. He will be here at 8:30 PM.”

“I don’t want to go on a date,” you retorted. 

“You never want to. I am giving you the push you need,” she replied. “Now go! You have less than 2 hours.” You rolled you eyes but on the inside you were slightly hopefully; Maybe this is what you need to get your mind off of Lucifer.

Jullian was right on time to pick you up. He wore a nice deep red shirt and black trousers completed with black oxfored. His hair was a bright dirty blonf and his eyes emerald green. He had a beach tan and paint stained hands. He was handsome, that of which you could not deny. He took you to a lovely dinner, then you two procceded to do a gallery walk at a new exhibit that had opened just downtown. Overall you two were having a lovely night.

“I had no idea we had some incredible artist in LA,” you said. “Serioulsy we have so may talented people.”

“Tell me about it,” Jullian said. He opened the ca door for you and waited until you were in to close the door. He got in his side, closed the door and turned to look at you.

“I had a wonderful time, Y/N,” he said. “You know, your friend Sarah told me alot about you. How amazing you are and how great of a person you are but meeting you in person...well no words can describe. Your just different.”

You blushed slightly. He truely was a nice guy. “I had a lovely time as well.”

Jullian smiled as he started the car. “Great. You want to-” he began before his phone rang. He sighed. “I’m sorry, have to take this. Hello?” he said into the phone. “Whoa, whoa just slow down.. really?...you have got to be kidding me!...alright be right there do not let her go anywhere!...see you soon.” he hung up the phone angrilly.

“What is it?” 

He gave an agrivated sigh. “It’s my brother, chris. He just snuck out to some nightclub and got drunk off his ass. I have to go pick him up now.”

You nodded. “Ok, lets go.”

“Really?” he asked. “You don’t mind coming?”

“No, its fine. I want your brother safe.” you assured. “Let’s go. Whats the club called.

“LUX.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Jullian parrel parked only a couple of yards away from LUX, as Jullian did not want to bother with trying to park at the actual club. You two got out and spoke to the bouncer, telling him about Jullians brother and he let you two through quickly.

Once you two entered the club, Jullians eyes shot up in surprise. Yet again it was packed with people, music was pounder and people we talking and danceing. 

“How the hell can I find my brother in this mess?” Jullian asked. 

You shrugged. “Ask aroud, what does he look like?”

“Just like me except he has brown eyes.” Jullian replied. ‘I’ll go ask at the bar, you ask around please?”

“Sure, get me if you find him?” you requested.

“Sure.” 

You walked into the crowd, asking everyone who was sober enough to remeber something. Surpisingly that was very hard. You hadn’t come across anyone yet. You were trying to walk out of the suffocating crowd when you bumped into someone, causing you to fall down and get your nose stepped on by some guy. 

“Oh my dad, I am so sorry love,” a familier british voice said as his srong arms pulled you up and off the ground. You were holding your now bleeding nose as Lucifer guided you away from the crowd. 

“Now I’ll get you some ice maybe and...Y/N is that you?” Lucifer asked, finally noticing your face. “My you are a sight for sore eyes. What in the hell are you doing here?”

“I am just here looking for someone.” you replied. Just as Lucifer was about to say something, Sarah walked up and put an arm around Lucifer.

“There you are Luci, I was looking for you,” Sarah said. She looked down at you and smiled. “Hey Y/N, I didn’t know Jullian was taking you here tonight.”

“Well he wasn’t and-”

“Wait whose Jullian?” Lucifer interuppted.

“Oh, she didn’t tell you?” Sarah said. “Jullian is an artist friend of mine who I introduced Y/N to.”

“Yes and then forced me to go on a date with him.” you finished.  “We are just-”

“Hey Y/N, found chris he is in the car.” Jullian interupted. He looked at Lucifer and you could feel the jelousy between the two of them brewing. “Who is this?”

“Lucifer Morningstar and this beach boy must be Jullian.” Lucifer replied, albeit a little harshly. “Honestly Y/N, why did you even go out with this man. You clearly have no intrest in this man and he really only likes you for your body isnt that right?”

“What? No!” Jullian defended.

“Oh come of it, Jullian. Just tell me, what is it you really desire of this girl?” Lucifer asked, staring directly ito his eyes. Something seemed to sweep over Jullian as his whole demeanor changed.

“I want to..to have sex with Y/N tonight. We could get drunk, ave a one night stand and then I could leave her.” Jullian said. You backed away from him, appauled as he seemed to realize what he had just said.

“Y/N I...” Jullian began. You slapped him hard aginst his face.

“You son of a bitch!” you yelled. “Just go! Get out of my face and never come near me again!” Jullian looked genuinly hurt but he left without another word.

“Y/N I didn’t know.” Sarah said. “I am so sorry.”

“Its alright. I had no interest in him anyways.” You looked at Lucifer. “Can I talk to him? Alone?”

Sarah looked slightly skeptical but nodded. “Go ahead, I’m going to get a drink.” And with that she left. You looked at Lucifer and lead him away from the crowd and to a more private area. 

“What the hell?” you said. “Did you really have to do that?”

“What I was just saving you from unpleasentness with that douche.” Lucifer said. “I didn’t want your heart broken.”

You scoffed. “To late for that one.”

Lucifers face turned to one of concern. “Who broke your heart? Tell me and I will appropiatly punish them!”

You looked him dead in those beautiful eyes that had stolen you since day 1 and felt apart of you unlock. “You. Lucifer its you. I loved you when I met you. But...well I saw Sarah look at you and I just knew. Besides, I’m not good enough for you.”

“I think I should be the judge of that don’t you think?” Lucifer said. “Y/N, I love you as well. I just thought you weren’t interetested because you introduced me to Sarah.”

“Well its to late now,” you said.

“No” A familar voice said. You and Lucifers head wiped around to see Sarah standing there. “I heard everything. I’m not mad, don’t worry. The thing is I already knew. I am not blind. It’s ok.”

“Sarah I” Lucifer said.

“Just shut up and kiss already. Honestly its ok.” Sarah laughed. “You two both deserve to be happy.” And with that she left with a smile on her face. You an Lucifer looked at eachother.

“Well, that was...interesting” Lucifer said. “I did not expect that.”

“Me neither.” You replied. “So where d we go from here?”

“The only way to go.” Lucifer said. He pressed his lips firmly against yours, his arms snaking around your waist. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. He really seemed experienced as his lips knew exactly how to move against yours, his hands knew exactly where to sit. 

When you two pulled apart he looked at you. “I think we should continue this somewhere else.”

You couldn’t agree more.

[semi-demi-minigod]

Coming to a painful realization that the man I'm in love with, though he likes me, is simply not attracted to me. Im a big gal and im working on it, but sometimes I feel like he's grooming me to be attractive enough to actually date.

He's my best friend and while he is flirty when we talk long distance, and a lot when I come to visit, I can tell he simply isn't going to feel sexual attraction towards me.

He's asked me if I would like to try dating (again. I had asked him out long distance a long while ago but it didnt last) when i moved back to town and I was (am) estatic.

However, it was only after i told him I had secretly seeing someone that he asked. He had made some comments like he had never been able to keep a relationship for very long but that we had been friends for like 5 years.

So I feel like he wants me to be single for when he does decides I've lost enough weight to bw attractive and also like he feels stuck with me or something.

Dont get me wrong, he actively seeks my company and we have a great time together; we flirt a bit and make dirty jokes around each other. Maybe I'm being self conscious or whatever and maybe i just have high expectations of a whirlwind romance where i am the only object of his desire, like he is for me.

I dont blame him for his feelings, I mean its not like he can help it either; its nature! I'm trying to be a healthier, sexier me and god its hard not to use his affection as a motivator. It should be for me that I become active.

He does get rather jealous when i mention any other guys, even like fictional men, such as sebastion from Stardew Valley! Like he wants me for me, but just isnt attracted to me. I should talk to him about it instead of letting it fester in my head.

If we are going to be together, we simply must talk about these things. I love him so very much and ive only had eyes for him for years and I think my imaginings of what I want with him is getting in the way of the reality.

I juat needed to put the words out i guess.

[nirah10]

From Zain,

‘The whole family is really hung up on the idea of people “just wanting to be special” and it drives me nuts.&

Could that because they themselves think they are special? Are they religious? These siblings who say stuff like that? I know you are an atheist but I don’t think you mentioned if your siblings were or not. Sorry, I’m fairly new here so you might have in the past.

Just the phrase: 'The whole family is really hung up on the idea of people “just wanting to be special” and it drives me nuts.’

As I come from Islamic family who moved to the united states before I was born.

My family is pretty religious. And I have a HUGE family. Aunts, Uncles, cousins and ten siblings and the whole entire extended family have all ended in America as they followed each other here early thirty years ago, before I was born.

Growing up in a pretty white, pretty non religious place, a lot of my siblings bece very proud of us being Muslim.

My sisters wore the hijabs and seperated themselves from the other women where we are living through their clothing. And the frequent praying and strict dietary requirement add to that kind of atmosphere of seperation from the masses.

Being religious seems to mean you think you are speical.

That you have a special relationship with God/Allah that only a few in your community get to have.

It is a feeling of us vs them. Us against the world.

I have a feeling Christians aren’t that different to Muslims like that.

My family thought I was 'juat trying to be different’ when they found out I was gay.

I didn’t tell them. Fuck that.

I was out at the mall with my boyfriend, a town over from home as I didn’t feel comfortable shopping with my boyfriend in my home town in case my family saw.

A cousin saw us holding hands. I didn’t see him. He followed us, taking a bunch of photos on his phone including a damning one of my boyfriend kissing me as I leaned into a wall.

I got home and fifteen of my family members were waiting in the lounge.

With those fucking photos. I still feel anxious just thinking about it. I can feel my heart racing even writing this. 

My father was ranting and raving, and slapped me accross the face. Then two of my uncles held me down and whipped me with a belt until I was bleeding. I feel have the scars. I hate the scars so, so much. I feel so J when I see them in the mirror. 

I was then locked in a bedroom and told I could not come out until I agreed to an arranged marriage with a family friend.

I was in that bedroom for three days, pissing in a bottle before I realised they weren’t going to let me out until I agreed to marry that girl.

The bedroom was on the second floor and deadbolted shut. I smashed the window open in the middle of the night, jumped off the roof and fucking RAN.

I broke my foot when I jumped but I didn’t even notice until later. My boyfriend thinks it must have been the adrenaline.

But anyway, made it to the place my boyfriend was renting (he was from our of town but we had met when he came to town for a short term job contract.)

I still remember how horrified he was when I turned up looking half dead on his door in the middle of the night after moving contact for nearly three days. Surprise.  Not a great start to a new relationship really.

He wanted me to press charges, I refused as I did not want to see my family again. He left his job seven  weeks  early, forfeited a month’s rent and he called his mom that night and had her buy us airline tickets to fly to her state a day afterwards. I was a absolute mess.

To the extent I refused to let my boyfriend take me to the hospital as I was terrifed of my family looking for me in the hospitals.

I wore a long sleeve top on the plane, despite it being summer to cover up the cuts from the glass and walked on my broken foot. Making it worse. Some people say it is impossible to walk on a broken foot. Bullshit. Not if your as terrifed as I was.

I went to the hospital when we were safe in my boyfriend’s state.

I transferred colleges to go to one near where my boyfriend’s mom was living and we both ended up living with her for four years until we got a place of our own.

I love her. She is a mother to me.

Lucky for me my family knew nothing about my boyfriend, so have no idea what state he is in.

I’ve never tried to get in contact with them. I’m not a missing person as I told my college I was transferring but made it very clear I did not want my family knowing where I was going.

I kind of regret now not listening to my boyfriend and refusing to press charges. But I was a scared 18 year old kid. Now as a 26 year old I feel more confident. But then I really don’t want to open that can of worms again. As long as I never have to see them again I’ll be happy.

We are now engaged and thinking of co-parenting in the future with a lesbain couple who are very good friends of ours, we bonded as one of them went through something similar- one of the girls was locked into a room by her Christian parents when she came out at 21 and then shoved a male family friend from the church into the bedroom to “fix her”. Yep, her Christian parents had her raped. Unlike me my friend was brave and after she pretended to be 'converted’ she went straight to the police station and pressed charges. She hasn’t seen her family since the trial. We met in a support group for victims of family abuse. Our partners have become close friends too and we are excited about the four of us starting a family some day.

I’m happy but I am still affected my what happened and i sometimes hate myself for being weak. I’m paranoid and have even refused to go on Facebook and don’t let friends post photos of me online, as I am terrified of a mutual friend somehow passing a photo onto my family and finding me. I know it is a very slim possibly but I also thought getting seen with my boyfriend at the mall all those years ago was a silm possibility as well. 

But I’ll never forget my family thinking I was gay because I was trying to spite them or be different for them. religious people desire so much to see themselves as special the ready to accuse other people very easily of 'trying’ to be 'special’ or 'different’.

So yeah. I am an atheist from a religious family, and from your comment I’m guessing your family might be religious as well? And from the sounds of it you have had it really tough because of your sexuality with your family as well. I know it is hard and I am sorry you have to deal with that.

Sometimes I even come across as a bit intolerant towards religion as I kind of shut down when people talk about it. My mind just goes blank and I panic. My  friend from the Christian family feels the same.

So I am sorry for what you have gone through and being suicidal. I am sending you virtual hugs, as I know how lonely that can be and it does stay with you.

Dear Zain,

Wow! I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that and thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m very happy that you got out of that situation and that it sounds like you’re quite happy now. Regarding the scars, I read a little while ago that there are specialized tattoo artists who cover up scars and stretch marks in a way that just looks like your natural skin (rather than covering it up with an image) and the results looked quite impressive. If your scars bother you so much, perhaps that would be an option for you to look at?

My family are pretty well all Jehovah’s Witnesses--cousins, uncles/aunts, grandparents. My biological father was a very abusive man (who was removed from my life when I was 14) but the rest of my family aren’t abusive. They’re just really stuck in a certain way of thinking and can be unkind when faced with anything different. They’ve learned and grown a lot over the years but they could be quite horrible when I was younger. I started dating my current boyfriend when I was 17 and they were really awful to him because he’s an atheist (so they naturally blamed him for “corrupting” me once I became more outspoken about my own lack of belief) and they tried pretty hard to break us up. My mum even kicked me out because she said I was a bad influence on my younger sister (I had only had a few months of school left before my graduation and she at least told me I didn’t have to leave until I finished). I moved out and refused to tell her where I went because I was so angry about it and I didn’t really talk to the people in my family much for the next year or two. I think they eventually realized that we weren’t going to break up and they started being a little nicer so (ten years later) I now have good relationships with all of them, but the damage was already done for my boyfriend and he still feels really on edge around them. I also have a rather large family by the way. I have eight siblings, though almost all of my extended family live in either Alberta or England so we don’t see them much.

I have PTSD and religious talk is one of my main triggers. I can discuss religion just fine and learn about it, but I can have quite severe reactions when I hear people talking about it as though they actually believe it. Any kind of sermon or people talking about trusting Jesus or God’s law, etc. will get my heart rate going and I’ll start to panic. I just have way too many horrible associations with it, especially because my biological father would use scriptures to justify beating us (there’s a scripture about how parents should stone their disobedient sons--that was his favourite because he could tell us we were lucky we were even allowed to live). 

I think the weird obsession with “trying to be special” with my family is more to do with our upbringing than it is with their religion really. Although, now that you’ve mentioned that, I realize that JW culture is very big on how different they are from other Christians. I think it was a combination of there being too many children, everybody being freaking miserable, and my mother not believing that mental health issues were a real thing. There simply wasn’t time to see to the individual needs of nine different kids, especially since my father had absolutely no part in parenting, so my one of my mum’s favourite mottos was “if I can’t see blood or bone, I don’t want to hear about it”. We could actually get in trouble for crying if she couldn’t see a physical injury on us. She was one of those people (who thankfully has since learned how wrong it was) that used to regularly say stuff like depression wasn’t real and people who committed suicide were the most selfish people in the world. Pretty much any kind of mental health problem was just someone trying to get attention, like a kid throwing a temper tantrum to get what they want, and should be ignored or told off. It created a really horrible culture in our family where anybody doing or saying anything that was at all outside of the usual was just “trying to be special” and it was met with severe criticism and scorn. My mum saw cut marks on me once when I was 13 or so and her response was to tell me “if you’re gonna start up with that kind of nonsense, I’ll send you to the loonie bin” in a very threatening manner. She never asked why I was doing it or checked to see if I was still doing it. I just learned to use different methods that looked less obvious and continued with habits of self-harm for another five years or so.

I excuse a lot of my family’s behaviour (as well as some of my own at the time) as the lashing out of miserable people who saw no way out of their situation. None of us knew how to love each other properly or to show each other support because we had literally never experienced it before. My mum got married when she was 17 and was very quickly moved to Canada where she had no family or support system and I think she just accepted that adult life was supposed to suck as much as it did. Once my father was out of the picture, there were several turbulent years as we all learned how to act like normal people and how to treat each other the way that family should. I’m very grateful for the change that has happened, even if some people still have a ways to go.

Thanks again for sharing your story and I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing well now. Sending you virtual hugs back :)