#i am not like....a clinical expert of course

[rollercoasterwords]

okay, so. i was just thinking about the thing people do, when they sort of confuse triggers and squicks

like, a squick is something you don't like, or feel disgusted by, right? and so some people are saying they're triggered by this or that, when they actually just don't like it?

i think it's got something to do with the fact that nowadays, 'triggered' is used as synonymous as 'mad'. like, obviously not everyone does it. but the younger generation, especially, they do use it that way, and they just throw around the word triggered when they're actually just mad, like, 'i triggered someone' or as a sneer, when someone's mad, like, 'oh, he's triggered!'

maybe that's why the meaning's sort of lost, now. because people are confusing the two. and there's also the thing where people confuse critical thinking with criticism, and it's not the same thing, but at it's core it's just. people being ignorant.

a lot of problems today are caused by ignorance, actually. and unwillingness to educate themselves. and also audacity and entitlement.

yeah unfortunately i think problems being caused by ignorance is not new lol

but i agree that the word 'triggered' has been stripped of a lot of its weight in a way that is....not great. it's interesting because i think it actually started with older generations of people going "ugh look at these millenial/gen-z snowflakes getting triggered" and making fun of what was previously a very necessary and useful term and then that sort of devaluing of its weight combined with its simultaneous colloquial spread has now led to the term becoming something that is thrown around a lot more casually to the point that i definitely do think some people don't understand the difference between being upset by something and being triggered by something.

and honestly that does bother me because it makes it more difficult for people who are actually dealing with triggers to be taken seriously. like i am very happy to be at a point in my life where i don't get triggered easily, but there was a time when i was dealing with some shit and would often get triggered by things that seemed totally innocuous to the people around me, and i literally didn't feel like i could say "sorry that's triggering for me" because i'd get laughed at or have people roll their eyes. like it felt embarrassing to me to try to talk about a very real and serious experience that was severely impacting my mental health and emotional wellbeing because it had been memed so heavily. so....yeah. i do wish more people understood that "triggered" isn't just a blanket term for "all emotional distress" and is rather a term that is typically linked to past traumatic experiences or like...specific manifestations of mental illness, and not just anything that makes u feel bad in the moment. i have encountered things that have made me feel extremely, viscerally upset, but still have not been triggering to me, y'know? there's a difference between those two things

[your-internet-bf]

It's been a while since you've seen a doctor, and you're nervous as you follow the nurse back to my office. What's there to be nervous about, this is just a little checkup, right? You notice the nurse's manicured burgundy nails as she knocks sharply on the door. She turns to you, smiling prettily, and says, "the doctor will see you now."

You push open the door and enter quite a large room. The nurse follows, closing the door behind you. In the center is the examination table, off to the right is a small crowd of young adults, appearing to be made up of men and women, and on the left is me, seated at my desk. "Welcome," I say, standing and extending one hand. My voice is deep, warm, and smooth, and you fumble for a moment, blushing a little, before you remember to shake my hand. Your hand is dwarfed in mine, my strong fingers encircling you, and a thought flashes unbidden through your mind - what would those fingers feel like inside you? - but, come on now, that's really not appropriate...

"I have a few students with me, as you can see. Is that alright?"

"Well, yes, of course!" Why shouldn't it be?

"Excellent. Now, I'm pioneering this new full-body examination method - it's really quite extraordinary, the maladies I can detect this way - but be warned, it is, shall we say, unorthodox. Is that alright?"

Just for a moment, you see something in my eyes, something behind the genial smile and gentle, reassuring tone. Just for a moment, you feel like some specimen, some piece of meat, pinned down under the lights with nowhere to go... but just for a moment. Surely, nothing bad can happen, and I'm a doctor, aren't I? You can trust me. So you swallow your fear, and you acquiesce.

"Excellent! Let's have a seat on the table, if you don't mind, and we'll make a start. Nurse V, if you would..."

As you sit on the table, the clinical, sterile seating a little cold against your skin, the pretty nurse steps behind the table, facing you, waiting for something. From your right, I approach, and you feel again just how much larger than you I am as my broad shoulders block out one of the ceiling lights. With all these people watching you, it takes all you have not to squeeze your legs together, just a little bit.

We begin with a quick examination of your face - "you have beautiful eyes, you know," I purr into one ear. I place one hand on the side of your neck and tilt your head; god, you've been reading too much, haven't you, the way you want these strong, expert fingers to close around your throat.

"Now, open your mouth for me, please." You oblige, and I cup your chin and slide my thumb into your mouth, pressing down on your tongue. Your eyebrows jump in surprise, and you look at me questioningly.

I smile again, still inside you. "Unorthodox, remember? Now, close your mouth and try to swallow." From behind, the nurse strokes your cheek with the back of one hand, and you feel a sudden ache between your legs. You close your lips around my thumb and swallow. It tastes... clean, mostly, as one might expect from a doctor, but you can taste the sweat underneath.

"Very good, one more time for me."

You swallow again, and you feel me slide my thumb over the surface of your tongue, pressing down, swirling in circles.

"And, one more time... yes, that's it, good job, very good job."

The praise for this degrading task is more than you can bear, and you squeeze your thighs together. Fuck, it's humiliating, everyone just saw you do that... All these eyes on you, the beautiful nurse behind you, this big, strong doctor with these big, strong hands and that big fucking bulge... but no, this is just a checkup, nothing is going to happen, right?

While you were thinking, I dried my hand off and had begun speaking.

"I'm - I'm sorry?"

"No worries. I was saying, can you remove your top, please? We need to examine your heart and your breathing."

You stare at me. "Remove my - "

"Yes, remove your top. The fewer barriers between me and you, the less interference with my examination." My face is quite serious, almost bored - this really must be routine. You look back at the nurse, and she smiles slightly and nods. So you undress, your nipples betraying you, standing at attention. You blush as the crowd of students looks at you intently. The nurse lays one warm hand on your shoulder, slender fingers gripping you reassuringly, and your eyes are drawn once more to those burgundy nails.

I step in close, and you feel my breath warm on your chest. "Now, observe the stiffness in the patient's nipples - this is to be expected, given the cool air, and it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of," I say, smiling. I press my stethoscope up over your heart, the metal cold on your skin, and your mind is betrayed by the pounding of your heart. My eyes flick up to meet yours, and I grin, predatorily, and once again you feel like a piece of meat beneath the lights.

I examine your breasts, starting with your left. Enclosed in my big, strong hands, I squeeze and push, prod and pull, ostensibly feeling for any abnormalities, but the way my fingers brush over your nipples, the intensity with which I sink them into your soft breasts, heaving now as your breath comes faster... My practiced tongue rasps over one nipple and a tiny moan escapes your lips as you try desperately to hide how much you're enjoying this; try desperately, and fail.

Abruptly, I pull back. "Excellent! All seems well here." I rest one hand on your other shoulder and turn to the students. "Note the pleasure response during this section of the examination, and I hope you were paying attention to the oral technique."

I turn back to you, my eyes dancing as they meet yours. "Fully undress, if you would. The inspection must continue."

Your hands tremble as you slide your clothes down off your waist, and the nurse aids you, her lovely hands stroking along your thighs and calves as she does.

"And spread for us, please."

Obediently, your thighs open, exposing your cunt, your needy, aching wetness, to all.

"Note the beauty of the patient's sex, here. The shape of the folds," I murmur, tracing one finger along your sensitive lips, "the balanced ratio of the clitoris to the vulva overall," sliding two fingers on either side of your clit, squeezing gently between them, "the appropriate pleasure response in - "

You lose what I say as I plunge two fingers inside you, powerful and dextrous, knuckles slipping past your tightness easily. It feels so fucking good to finally have something inside you, after all this aching and teasing, and god, so many people are watching, they're all watching your pussy spread and toyed with by this big, strong, handsome older man, and now the nurse's slender fingers are across your throat and her lips are on your forehead, and she tells you that you're doing so well for me, you've been so good...

My fingers press up inside you, finding your g spot, and with my thumb rubbing on your clit, I start melting you. Waves of pleasure course through your body, you gasp, moan, whimper, and with your eyes closed you can't tell whose lips are so soft on yours, but it feels so fucking good, and all those people are watching and it makes you want it more, your back arching, chest heaving, melting under the attention, and finally, mercifully, you cum, contracting around my fingers, squeezing your thighs together, trembling, shaking, gasping for air. You hear me say something, but you're so overwhelmed with pleasure that all you can make out from my speech is "very, very good".

The hand withdraws from your throat, and I gently, gently, extricate my fingers, and settle my hand atop one thigh, fingers slick with your desire.

The nurse whispers affirmation in your ear as I address the class. "Stimulation in this manner, of the two most sensitive sex stimuli, brings the most consistent and powerful orgasms to those possessing these organs." I stroke the inside of your thigh reassuringly, before turning to you.

"The final part of this examination is seeing how well you handle penetration. I'm going to need your unequivocal verbal consent before proceeding."

The nurse leans in and whispers into your ear, "might I suggest 'please, sir, will you fuck me?'" You'd blush harder if you could.

You swallow, nervously, and there's a twisting in your gut as you say it. "Please," you begin, voice cracking. "Please, sir, will you fuck me?"

"Yes, that is sufficient. I must say, though," I warn, unzipping my jeans, "that I am quite large." I slap my cock down on your tummy, and the sheer weight of it shocks you. You've seen size like this in porn, sure, but fuck, you've never touched something like this. When you tear your gaze away from my cock, I'm grinning down at you, predatory again. "You can back out at any time, you know." My voice is low, teasing, challenging. "Should we continue?"

You nod shakily, and spread your legs a little wider.

One hand on your raised knee, one hand guiding my cock, I push against you. For a moment you realize the exam had to be done in this order; if you weren't so fucking wet, there's no chance you'd be able to take me. But all thoughts are blasted out of your mind as I push harder and slide in.

It's so fucking thick that you can't help but groan. You've never felt so full, so strained inside, being pushed in every direction; you're not built for this, maybe there's just too much, your body is rejecting me - and then I push again, another few inches, and you slam your head back against the padded table, a long, drawn-out "fuuuuuck" wrenched from your lips. You feel my strong hands brace at your hips, and with a final thrust, slamming your cervix up into your guts, moving your entire body, the ridges of my cock sliding deeper and deeper, sliding painfully, pleasurably past your walls, I'm inside you.

The nurse rests her hands on you again, and purrs in your ear, "you're doing so well for him, I know it's hard, it's so hard, but you're doing such a good job, pretty girl..."

Glacially, I pull out, allowing you a moment to rest, before thrusting in again, hands still at your waist. You sob once, loudly, and then you sink into it as I pick up a rhythm, deep, deep strokes inside you. You hear me grunting, whispering something, and I grow more frantic, impaling you a little harder, and through the wall of pleasure you hear me rumble, "nurse V, begin the overstimulation procedure."

"Certainly, doctor." She leans over you, lips fiercely meeting yours, and one of those slender hands reaches down to abuse your clit. An image of those burgundy nails on your cunt flashes through your mind as I continue pounding you, forcing you to spread for me, adjust to me, even as the nurse plays your clit like an instrument, and fuck, she's a virtuoso.

You sing a song of moans and voiceless curses under our combined mastery, knowing your audience is entranced, filled with a blazing, lusty pride. The deep bass of my voice, resonant in your skull, is saying something, but you cannot hear me; you're moaning, groaning, pleading, "yes, yes, oh my god yes" over and over...

The song swells to a crescendo and with two sudden strikes, two powerful thrusts into you, it ends with a thick, hot, sticky white wave of my approval inside you. You feel it pulse deep, deep inside, filling you, load after load delivered straight past your bruised, abused cervix.

You come back to reality with my cum spilling from between your legs, trailing thickly down onto the exam table. I zip up my jeans while the nurse helps dry you off, from all the sweat and saliva. She dabs caringly at your mouth, and you notice that the cloth is dyed the same shade as her lipstick.

"Now," I address the class, "I hope you were paying attention." I rest one hand on your aching, trembling thigh. How many times did you cum with me inside you? How long were all these people watching you writhe beneath me, begging, losing yourself in the pleasure? You have no fucking clue. "This patient has bravely volunteered for each of you to examine her, here and now, while she's available to us."

Your jaw drops. When did you agree to that? You would never - but you were begging, "yes, yes, yes" earlier, weren't you, while I was talking. You agreed. Everyone heard you say it.

"One at a time, please. And," I say to you, grinning wolfishly, "don't worry. I'll be watching the entire time."

[gabessquishytum]

(Part 1/2)

For that "defining moment of 2024" picture you posted: Cow Hob! Yes! Please! And some grave, highly serious and methodically considered thoughts about the Cow Hob AU we need - - Is Dream the absolute best, kindest, most humane and knowledgeable stable-hand for Hob? Yes. Yes he is. He knows everything there is to know about cows. How to groom them, how to care for them. What makes them happy, and what makes them feel safe. What kind of treats they can have and what kind they absolutely love, but can have only a very little bit of. - Does Dream milk his cows by hand? Yes. He absolutely does. Milking machines are far too clinical. Cows aren't just lactating machines, they deserve appreciation and respect for all they contribute. Dream milks all his cows by hand, even though it's more time consuming that way. It's much more comfortable for them. His cows are much happier that way. - Plus, milking is like bonding time. It's a reward for all the hard work cows do. They put in so much effort, carrying all that milk. Dream could be efficient and task-oriented, even milking them by hand, but he isn't. He makes sure he's extra gentle with them. He takes his time, making sure they're calm before and throughout. Then he pats and even combs the coat of each one after, so they end the milking session relaxed, shiny and happy. - Because he's so thorough and methodical, approaching milking time like a full on check-over, instead of just going in and getting what he's there for, Dream has caught many an early symptom of illness, strain, or disease, simply by taking his time to observe their coats, eyes and hoofs. Any cow knows that if there's a problem with them, Dream will catch it almost immediately!- Do the cows love Dream? Yes, they definitely do. They're in so much better shape since Dream was hired onto the farm. The other stable boy, Corinthian, is crude and rough and doesn't treat them all that well. Luckily, he's been given some other chores, so Dream works more with the cows. Dream doesn't have much time because he's so busy, running other errands and chores in the stable, but whenever the cows can they'll be bounding up to him, trying to get scratches and pats and treats. Hob is the cow who loves Dream most of all, and is always trying to get him to himself, but honestly, he's kind of a big guy who can't squeeze into small spaces, and that dainty little white cow with a stupid non-cow name, Shakespeare, always gets all of Dream's attention just because he's the smallest and can squeeze between all the farm equipment to follow Dream around easily! What a chore! - Luckily for Hob, he's also the cow on the farm with the shiniest horns, the longest hair, and the largest volume of the creamiest, most magnificent milk. This means that Dream has to spend the most time milking him and grooming him. Unlike dainty Shakespeare, who, alright, doesn't take up much space, but doesn't give very much milk either!

Cow Expert Anon. I am now christening you Cow Expert Anon, I hope you don't mind. This is wonderful and meticulous. I am going to add the other parts that you sent here, as screenshots, because I think everyone should be able to read the whole thing at once. Bear in mind that you may need to zoom in a fair bit to read.

I'm so obsessed with cow Hob just being the goodest, sweet little cutie but also leading the cows on a rebellion because he is NOT a pushover and he wants his Dream back!!! Also the Endless family becoming a cow/animal rehab ranch cooperative is the most wonderful thing and I just KNOW that Death would be the gentlest kindest milkmaid (although Dream is still Hob’s favourite, of course).

Dream is very much in his element, still hyperfixated on his beloved cows, still talking to them - hell he brings them inside the Endless mansion if they ever get sick or under the weather. If Dream ever gets the hints and Hob ever does end up having a calf, Dream practically moves his beloved cow into his own bedroom for the whole process! Hob has never been more spoiled, but he sure does deserve it. He's still trying to figure out how humans sleep in beds, though.

The milk and cheese produced by the Endless cows isn't exactly a huge amount, and they wouldn't turn a profit, but that's not the point. They're part of Dream’s family, now. He loves every one of them, and everything that they give him tastes sweeter than anything he's ever tasted before.

And yes, Hob’s calf is the cutest ever. Not quite as cute as Hob himself, if you ask Dream. Shakespeare is soooo jealous of course, but there's nothing he can do! Dream's heart belongs to Hob’s shiny horns, shaggy hair, and adorable brown eyes. No matter how much his family laughs at him, he'll be Hob’s best friend/beloved forever and ever <3

[cashandprizes]

The Boring CBT Final for the Fun CBT King - By Lexi Moon aka CashAndPrizes

Okay! People asked and I fought tumblr to deliver!

Hi, I'm CashAndPrizes also known as Lexi Moon, and I am a doctoral student studying clinical psychology. I wrote about Redacted (specifically Lasko) for my final for Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. Here's the paper.

Shout out to my beloved friends in the WhoreHome and W.A.R. for keeping me going through this paper. I love you dearly.

Words of warning:

I am a clinician in training. I am still being supervised. I have not been graded on this final yet. (I'll update when I get it!) And I am definitely not an expert. Take everything here with a grain of salt.

I am not a licensed therapist but even if I was I am not your therapist. I'm play acting as Lasko's therapist for a class. Take everything here with a grain of salt. If you read any of this and think "It's a bit loud in here" do not assume this is absolutely you. If you have the means, please try finding your own mental health professionals and if you don't, please do a lot of research on these subjects. Don't use this as a diagnosis please, I'm just a guy.

I filled in a lot of Lasko's backstory based on my experiences with patients and my beloved Lasko kinnies who were instrumental to the writing of this paper. (I won't tag you and call you out, but you know who you are an I love you.) Your headcanons might be different - that's cool. I'm not claiming canon over most of this - but I did use the transcripts and timeline very heavily.

If you don't like the idea of pansexual, transgender, Indo-Caribbean/Trinidadian child of immigrants Lasko - pookie this might not be for you. If that sounds like your jam though - come on in, the water's fine.

Without further ado. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Mambo Number Five. Here's Lasky. I can, in fact, fix him.

Case Summary

This case conceptualization addresses the hypothetical course of treatment for Lasko Moore, a character in a modern-fantasy audio narrative. Lasko Moore presented to treatment as a 30-year-old pansexual and transgender Indo-Caribbean man working as an administrator and adjunct professor at Dahlia Academy for Magical Novices for persistent anxiety symptoms. Upon intake, Lasko reported experiencing near constant racing thoughts that he was unable to “turn off”, panic attacks, and increased anxiety about social interactions at his work. He described spending a significant amount of mental energy preparing for and reviewing social interactions with colleagues such that he often avoids his colleagues in an effort to minimize his anxiety. Lasko reported that the anticipation around coworker interactions (meetings, socials, etc.) becomes quickly overwhelming as he becomes preoccupied with what he will say and do in an effort to try and minimize his tendency to become hyperverbal and overshare information as well as stuttering. He described this process as starting with embarrassment over previous interactions which leads to critical thoughts like “I shouldn’t be so anxious” which leads to rehearsal of potential outcomes of interactions. However, in the moment of social interactions he becomes so anxious as there “aren’t any objectives [or] any specific roles” to the conversations that he “word vomits” and becomes tangential and overshares until he runs out of breath and stops himself from talking due to his own critical thoughts and begins to isolate himself. 

Lasko was initially diagnosed with Panic Disorder (F41.0) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (F41.1) to capture his persistent anxious state with occasional intense bouts of extreme anxiety and panic. An initial long-term goal was collaboratively set as improving his coping strategies and tolerance of anxious affect to better network and create relationships. As this was Lasko’s first time utilizing mental health services, treatment began with inhibitory learning in combination with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in order to facilitate willingness to experience interoceptive cues and extinguish avoidance due to fear of negative consequences. This was able to reduce his panic attacks as he felt more able to tolerate overwhelming anxious affect. Despite his clear engagement with treatment through attendance, homework, and skills practice, Lasko continued to struggle with critical thoughts and avoidance of coworkers which he identified as a major barrier to his continued professional development and potential non-academic relationships. Through collaborative exploration, a persistent early maladaptive schema relating to his critical thoughts emerged and treatment shifted to a goal of starting dialogue between schema modes to facilitate the use of coping strategies to build interpersonal effectiveness. Lasko was born as the human-born child of Trinidadian immigrants who moved the southern California in the early 1990s due to political unrest. From an early age Lasko faced high academic expectations from his parents who desired upward mobility for their child and a “piece of the American Dream.” His mother was emotionally labile to the point of explosive outbursts where his father was more passive and spent significant energy working and caring for his wife. This experience started Lasko’s early maladaptive schema regarding rigid standards with no support, which only became worse when Lasko’s elemental powers began developing at thirteen and his parents expected perfect control (and perfect suppression) of his powers with no training and a highly critical environment. This led to Lasko isolating himself at home as much as possible to hide his lack of control but left him with an environment that created a positive feedback loop where his lack of control led to increased yelling and criticism which led to worsening outbursts of his powers. This culminated in a final traumatic event when Lasko was seventeen and lost control of his powers, leading to his mother “calling [him] everything she could think of […] she was so loud and I just wanted her to stop” to the point that Lasko accidentally sucked all of the air out of the room and almost suffocated his mother. Though Lasko was able to find support with the Department of Uniform Magical Practices and become emancipated from his parents, these experiences developed a maladaptive pattern of hypercritical thinking about himself, especially in the context of social relationships.

Research

Avelino Cardoso et al. (2023) pose potential ways to modify and apply Schema Therapy to sexual and gender minorities. This work focuses on understanding how of harmful implicit and explicit messages about gender and sexuality contribute to early maladaptive schemas based on consideration of the minority stress model, and how Schema Therapy interventions can be applied to sexual and gender minorities. One area of particular relevance from this article is the conceptualization of an inner critic mode that specifically represents stereotypes and prejudice that are naturalized by society. When applying these principles to the case of Lasko, the environment of his childhood can be understood as an essential aspect of the treatment. Though Lasko did not present to treatment looking to discuss the impact of his pansexuality and transgender identity, potentially because of the clinician’s own advertised identities, the impacts of systemic oppression against sexual and gender minorities can be woven into treatment for his hypercritical early maladaptive schema. Based on the suggestions of Avelino Cardoso et al. (2023), it may be worth examining his secondary schemas around shame and social isolation as also being shaped by his experience as a gender and sexual minority and how that may contribute to his predominant hypercritical schema. 

A major concern for this section of the paper is the lack of research modifying second and third wave cognitive behavioral therapies for sexual and gender minorities. Results for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with LGBTQ+ individuals only revealed one article about group therapy and a study proposal; results for Schema Therapy with LGBTQ+ individuals only provided Avelino Cardoso et al.’s (2023) theoretical essay. There does not appear to be much research and what research exists is extremely limited with no randomized control trials. This makes it clear that evaluating the efficacy of treatment for sexual and gender minorities is not a priority, which leads to a major critique of Avelino Cardoso et al.’s work. Though the article is useful for considering how to address systemic change in the room, it seems to attribute lived experiences of sexual and gender minorities to a schema rather than ongoing threats in a world where hate crimes and discrimination against LGBTQ+ individuals is on the rise. The abandonment and violence that these individuals may face is not imagined and it can be seen in the lack of interest in research.

ADDRESSING Model

When considering the case of Lasko, it is important to remember that psychology does not develop in the vacuum of individual experiences – psychology develops based on the global environment, which includes the social, political, economic, and cultural contexts as well as individual context. Utilizing Hays (2022) ADDRESSING Model, the impact of Lasko’s intersecting identities can be understood to have a major impact on his current symptom presentation and the development of early maladaptive schemas and schema modes. Lasko was born to first generation immigrants from Trinidad with strong Indo-Caribbean and Catholic roots – and he was assigned female sex at birth. Using a systems-focused lens, Lasko’s current symptoms can also be understood within the larger context of living in a world where several aspects of his identity are under intense scrutiny and political debate. As a child of immigrants and as someone Indo-Caribbean, Lasko likely faced explicit and implicit messages about his intellectual capabilities, his body, and his work ethic. While Lasko directly experienced his mother as extremely critical and never satisfied with his performance, it is just as likely that he received messages as a child about needing to work harder than many of his same aged peers for equal amounts of recognition based on his racial, ethnic, and sex assigned at birth. There is also the element of the disconnect between his sex assigned at birth and his gender presentation, and the messages he received about being transgender from his Catholic, Trinidadian immigrant parents as well as the American culture – which were likely discouraging at best and hostile at worst. 

Keeping all of this in mind, Lasko’s hypercritical, social isolated, and emotional deprived schemas can be understood as also being a direct result of the intersection of his identities – and this does not even cover the added layer of being an empowered human-born. In a variety of ways, Lasko has had very different experiences than his peers by virtue of being a transgender, pansexual, child of unempowered human immigrants. When Lasko describes feeling different from the people around him growing up and when he entered the empowered world, this is a real experience based on the multiple identity intersections – it is not hard to believe that he did not have many friends or family members between the late 1990s and late 2000s that had similar experiences to him. This left him with the acute sense that he was fundamentally different and needed to work much harder than those around him, and also that to get validation he needed to sacrifice his needs (or identities) for those of others.

Methodology

The initial treatment approach for Lasko was a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and inhibitory learning with interoceptive and in vivo exposure, which was successful in decreasing his panic symptoms but not generalized anxiety symptoms. Lasko reported that he experienced sudden panic attacks that seemed random and included symptoms such as accelerated heart rate, tightness in his chest, hyperventilation, feeling that he would lose control, sweaty palms, and loss of control over his magic. At the time of treatment, he reported that he had been having at least one panic attack every other month since he was a teenager and that they would occur more frequently when he was in periods of intense stress. After exploration, Lasko was able to determine that he often had panic attacks related when he spends time ruminating in anticipation of social interactions. Lasko explained that during panic attacks he tends to seek quiet, dark places to hide and “ride out” the panic attack and that he has thoughts like “I’m going to mess this up” or “I can’t do this.” 

Treatment started with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and inhibitory learning as an evidence-based approach for treating panic attacks and generalized anxiety to address his symptoms and reduce further panic attacks as well as his anxious thought patterns (Barlow, 2021; Ruiz et al, 2020). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic practice that focuses on improving psychological flexibility and understanding the function of behavioral patterns (Gordon & Borushok, 2017). Much of early treatment with Lasko consisted of psychoeducation around the therapeutic process, behavioral therapy, and mindfulness. He took easily to ACT and benefited from understanding how avoiding social interactions was negatively reinforced by decreasing his anxiety while keeping him from creating connection. Inhibitory learning through multiple types of exposure (in-vivo and interoceptive) was able to make him more comfortable with feeling panicked, effectively reducing his panic attacks (Ramnero & Törneke, 2008). However, his baseline anxious affect and negative thoughts did not ease despite the use of ACT, so treatment shifted towards understanding the function of his persistent negative thoughts through Schema Therapy.

Lasko’s symptom presentation after several sessions of ACT and inhibitory learning was a persistent anxious affect and worry (especially around social situations) that felt uncontrollable and critical ruminative thoughts. As it seemed treatment had plateaued, the content of sessions moved towards a deeper understanding of his critical thoughts based on an indication of deeply held early maladaptive schemas. Barlow defines early maladaptive schemas as persistent behavioral, cognitive, and relational themes developed in early childhood that are reinforced throughout lifetime and that cause significant disruption and dysfunction (2021). Schemas are often viewed as truths about the self and others and are difficult to challenge because of the deep affective component and lifetime of reinforcement (Barlow, 2021). Movement towards schema work started with psychoeducation which involved discussing how schemas are reinforced through modeling (in this case by his mother’s critical comments about his performance) and how people can often act in ways that reconfirm schemas into adulthood. Lasko then completed the Young Schema Questionnaire - Revised and received high scores on schemas related to emotional deprivation, social isolation, and unrelenting standards (Rijkeboer, 2015). During the debriefing and explanation of the results, Lasko reported that when he was completing the questionnaire he felt “really seen” in a way that was uncomfortable but also validating to his experiences in childhood and as a queer person of color living in America.

The topic of sessions then moved towards further psychoeducation about the process of schema work, including delving into his schemas and determining schema modes with the goal of improving his understanding of schemas and working towards healthier integration of modes and coping strategies (Barlow, 2021). Lasko was committed to treatment but apprehensive about “what would come up,” speaking to his concerns about dredging up uncomfortable memories and feelings. In response, he was encouraged to revisit his understanding of ACT and his core values as a reminder of why he wanted to continue treatment and work through feelings of discomfort and grief. The next session started proper schema work, starting with Lasko explaining his understanding of schemas and how they were currently impacting him. He aptly summarized that his childhood experience of feeling intense pressure to do well academically and conform to socially and religiously defined gender roles left him feeling isolated from his peers and that he always needed to work harder and do more, while also feeling as though he had no support or anyone who truly understood him – this led to the development of schemas related to emotional unrelenting standards, social isolation, and emotional deprivation. 

The first step of schema work was to identify schema modes as recommended by Barlow (2021). Lasko completed the Young Schema Mode Inventory (YSMI) as homework (along with his regular thought and feeling records) and scored highly in the following modes: vulnerable child, compliant surrenderer, detached self-soother, punitive parent, and demanding parent (Lobbestael, 2015). With this in mind, the next session started with reviewing his thought and emotion records as a baseline for identifying schema modes. Lasko was able to sort different thoughts and feelings into categories that broadly resembled the categories for child modes, coping modes, and parent modes, but he struggled to come up with names for them. He eventually decided on “Young Lasko” to describe his vulnerable child mode, “The Doormat” to describe his compliant surrenderer mode, and “The Critic” to describe his punitive and demanding parent modes with suggestions from the therapist based on his results on the YSMI. Lasko was overwhelmed with sadness and fear during this session, describing how hard it was to name and admit these schemas out loud and how scared and vulnerable he felt. He reported a heavy weight on his chest and how badly he wanted to hide from the therapist and his own internal experience, and his wavering control over his powers was evident by the rustling of papers in the room. The second half of the session was dedicated to using ACT and mindfulness techniques to sit with the almost intolerable affect without judgement. The session closed with a discussion of how he could focus on his value of self-care after the session and he decided that he had plans to meet with his friend group the next day and try to talk with them about his feelings as a form of self-care and confirming his acceptance in his friend group. 

The following session he reported that his conversation with his friend group had gone “really well, better than [he] expected” and the session started by discussing how this did not conform to his expectations as a way to integrate the initial phase of inhibitory learning into the present. The conversation then moved to re-introducing the names for his schema modes and utilizing a combination of mindfulness skills and reaffirmation of his core values to give a voice to those modes and their needs by recommendation of Barlow (2021). Lasko explored that “Little Lasko” felt “awful, awful all the time” and was a sad little boy trapped in a girl’s body who “[held] onto all the bad stuff” including feelings of being completely isolated from others and deep sadness. Lasko further explored that “The Doormat” was a representation of how he had worked so hard in school and at home to make everyone else happy and that by avoiding his own needs and wants (for self-expression, acceptance, nurturance, joy, etc.) he thought he would get his needs met. At this point in treatment, discussing “The Critic” was still too affectively laden so discussion started with the first two with the goal of working up to “The Critic.” Based on guidelines from Barlow (2021), the next few sessions focused on identifying the ways these schemas had developed within his childhood and how they had once been adaptive and essential for his survival. Lasko’s homework between these sessions was to read handouts given by the therapist about schema modes and the ways they are internalized throughout childhood. Lasko was also willing to try journaling once a week from the perspective of either “Little Lasko” or “The Doormat” to better understand how integral they had been to his survival. 

Session Description

This transcript describes the first part of the schema work, where Lasko began to identify and label schemas with prompting from the therapist. Rather than just using the terms from the YSMI, Lasko was encouraged to create his own meaning to better represent his own understanding of the schema modes based on evidence-based methods from Barlow (2021). The goal of this session was to help Lasko observe the schema modes based on his thought and feeling record from the previous week and start thinking of the modes as parts of him that were observable separate from himself.

Therapist: You’ve summed up schemas and how they work, and I don’t even have anything else to add. Lasko: I really, um, want to make sure you know I’m serious about this. I want to get better, I want to be better. Therapist: It feels like it’s really important for you to feel like I know how hard you’re working right now. Lasko: Yeah, well… Yeah, I don’t want you to think I’m not doing the work. Therapist: It’s interesting because you’re the one paying for sessions, you know? While I’m glad that we are working together towards your goals, what you get out of this is really up to you. Can we talk more about how you want to make sure I know you’re working hard? I think that’s really tied to this whole schema thing I’m trying to sell you on. Lasko: I’m already sold on it!  Therapist: [Hm] Lasko: … That’s… that’s what you mean, isn’t it? Therapist: [Affirmative hm] Lasko: Fuck – sorry – shit! I um… I feel like I need to prove to you that I’m listening and trying really hard. Therapist: What will happen if I think you aren’t trying? Lasko: Well, you won’t take me seriously – at all. You’ll think I’m wasting your time and that I should – I need to be doing more and taking it seriously. Therapist: And how would I be feeling with you? Lasko: Angry, because I’m wasting your time – but I’m not, or I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste your time, you have so many other patients you could be seeing and if I’m not doing what I should be doing then I’m just- I’m taking up space someone else could be using and they probably need it more than me. I mean, I’m fine you know, I’m anxious but I can survive, right? There’re people out there who need your time more than me and I’m wasting it – or I would be. I’m not – I don’t think I’m wasting your time right now except I keep rambling. Therapist: There’s a through-line in there that I want to pull. You feel like you need to do what I expect you to do, right? Lasko: Yeah, I mean you’re the therapist. You’re the expert with – all the experience and degrees. So yeah, I should be doing what you expect. Therapist: It sounds like there’s some part of you that feels like you need to be doing what I say you should do, even if you don’t want to or have something else to say – like your “rambling” – and that if you don’t, you’re wasting my time. Does that feel right?

Lasko: I want to do this, I do. But um, yeah. That feels right. Therapist: And you do what I say you should do because if you don’t…? Lasko: Well I’m wasting your time. And then you’ll – I mean you probably won’t, you’re a really nice person and you’re so helpful but I just… I have this thought that you’ll get mad at me. Therapist: I would be mad at you. What would I do if I was mad at you? Lasko: You would um… Well I know you wouldn’t, because you just – you’re not like that but like my mom would start screaming at me. She would just… she would just yell and tell me that I was wasting their money because I wasn’t doing well enough at the school they paid for me to go to you know? Or I messed up the nice clothes they paid for. Or I just – anything like that really, I was wasting money and time and I was a waste of space and… Fuck – sorry – wait, um. This is hard to talk about and I don’t want to cry. Therapist: This is really hard, I’m really putting you through it already today, aren’t I? Lasko: [Affirmative hm] Therapist: I want to take what you just said and kind of summarize, kind of explain, is that okay? So, it sounds like you have these thoughts that you aren’t trying hard enough – or at least that I don’t think you’re trying hard enough, right? And these thoughts serve to make sure that you show me how hard you’re working so that I believe you, because if I don’t, I might think you’re wasting my time and become angry and yell at you.  Lasko: That’s a really succinct way to put it, but yeah. Therapist: So what I think is happening here, is that there’s a part of you that is so terrified that I will become angry and yell at you and make you feel just awful about yourself. And to deal with that, there’s another part of you that works really hard to try and anticipate and meet my needs so I won’t become angry with you. And then there’s also this third part of you, this part that is so critical and reminds you of how scary I could become if I got angry with you and kind of beats me to the punch by being mean first. And all three of these parts were working together in those last few minutes. Lasko: Wow… yeah, that um… you hit the nail right on the head. That feels right. It’s not – um, it’s not really great for me, though. Therapist: What I’d like to do is start by giving a voice to these parts of you, just letting them speak. Do you think we could do that? Lasko: That… That sounds really awful. But, yeah we can… we can do that. Therapist: And here I am, asking you to do these terrible things you don’t want to do and you’re doing them with me anyway.  Lasko: That’s the um.. that part of me that tries to meet your needs, right? That’s what you said? Therapist: I think so. I really want to hear more from that part of you.

At this point in the transcript, the therapist was using a combination of techniques to try and get closer to the schemas that were indicated in Lasko’s dialogue. There was a mix of rephrasing/restating what Lasko had said with the dual purpose of making sure the therapist understood and phrasing things in a way that would lead to more dialogue about schemas. The therapist in this section also started outlining the core schema modes operating at the moment in broad terms to gauge Lasko’s ability to tolerate and explore them further with the intention of eventually moving towards labeling schema modes. In this section, it is becoming clear that Lasko’s persistent anxiety about the therapy (proving he is engaged enough) is a result of active schema modes that attempt to anticipate and meet the therapist’s needs to prevent criticism and anger on the part of the therapist. This insight from the conversation can be broadened to potentially explain the utility of Lasko’s critical thoughts and anxiety around social interactions – he spends so much time preparing and planning for these interactions to try and anticipate and meet the needs of others to prevent criticism and anger from his peers, the mere idea of which causes deep feelings of fear and sadness, by criticizing himself first.

Therapist: I think so. I really want to hear more from that part of you. Lasko: I mean – geez, what should I say? Therapist: Maybe we could start with what that feels like…? Lasko: It feels like I’m always guessing, trying to figure it out. I feel like I have to do everything right, try harder, do more…I feel like I always need to be doing more, doing it better. Therapist: What emotions does this part of you have? Lasko: Um, I don’t – I don’t know.  Therapist: Do you think I should bring out your old friend the feelings wheel? Lasko: Yeah that might – might help. You know how much I love the wheel. Yeah – um, I guess I feel… inadequate? Maybe… Therapist: Can I suggest something that I’m sensing in you? Lasko: Please, you’re way better at this than me. Therapist: I’m wondering if this part of you feels desperate. Lasko: Yes, desperate. Therapist: Desperate… it feels like there’s more to that. Desperate for what, do you think? Lasko: Desperate… desperate to please – desperate to get it right. Therapist: Wow… desperate to please feels really powerful. I see you rubbing your chest right now, what are you feeling? Lasko: It’s like… my chest feels tight – a little like when I have panic attacks. Therapist: That connection feels really important. What do you make of that? Lasko: I feel – I’ve felt desperate when I’ve had panic attacks before. Like desperate for air, which is just – it’s funny as an air elemental you know, well not funny-funny, but it’s just – anyway, it’s like desperate for air but it’s also like I’m desperate for… I don’t know how to phrase it…? For it to stop, yeah, but also like I… I want to do things right when I talk to people but I always fuck it up – sorry – wait, don’t apologize Lasko. Sorry, I – sorry – fuck. I just- I want to have better interactions with people! I want things to go better and to communicate better so people like me and – I don’t know. Therapist: So people like you… do you think that’s what this part of you wants? Lasko: Yes – so badly… So badly it hurts. Therapist: It hurts in your chest, right there? Lasko: Yeah… it’s tight and heavy and then I start crying because I’m just – I’m a mess. Therapist: You’re feeling so much right now, and you’re doing it because I said we should. Lasko: Well… yeah, it’s um – it sucks but you know better than me. Therapist: That seems to be a thought you have a lot, we’ve talked about it before on your thought and emotion records – and I think it’s really tied to this part of you. Lasko: I mean… maybe, yeah. Therapist: What do you think you could name this part? How do you think we could refer to it? Lasko: Like a name? What kind of name…? Therapist: It’s really up to you, I think it’ll be more helpful to use whatever you think is the best way to describe it rather than my clinical-ese jargon.  Lasko: I don’t… I don’t really know. I’m not good at this kind of thing. Can’t you – you can just name it, right? Therapist: I could, but I feel like if I name it we’re staying in this pattern where you just acquiesce to my demands. Lasko: Which is like – the whole point of this, yeah. Therapist: Exactly. What feels hard about thinking of a name? Lasko: I don’t – I don’t want to pick some stupid name that I have to use, and you’ll think “wow that was a really stupid name choice, I should have picked it.” Therapist: [Hm] Lasko: Yeah, you don’t have to say anything, I hear it. Also, I just… naming it feels so real, you know? Then it’s a real thing. Therapist: And there’s something about it being “a real thing” then? Lasko: Then I’d… I’d have to talk about – acknowledging all of it – that feels really awful. I feel like I can’t breathe right now. Therapist: I can feel the air becoming thin too. Why don’t we take a few moments and just notice how you’re feeling and breathe through it?

This section of the transcript starts to explore and move towards labeling the schema mode of the Compliant Surrenderer. This mode attempts to anticipate and meet the needs of his hypercritical Punitive and Demanding Parent mode to protect his Vulnerable Child mode, which becomes clear in the transcript as he verbalizes that this part of himself is desperate to do well (whatever that may look like) so that others will like him. Just sitting with this part of himself causes Lasko almost intolerable feelings of desperation and panic, likely due to his fear of his Punitive and Demanding Parent mode as well as a fear of criticism and rejection from the therapist.

Closing Thoughts

I really enjoyed this case and this paper. While I didn't choose a current patient, I feel that I got a lot out of this assignment. It was really interesting to think formally about a character and work through a treatment plan and focus on a specific element of treatment. I managed to pick a case where I got to implement schema therapy, which is one of the forms of CBT that I find most interesting in addition to ACT. Despite this being a fictional character, I have certainly had previous patients who have similar struggles – and I also felt that I was able to use the media (and my previous experience to fill in gaps) to make the most of this assignment for my learning.

As I was working on this case, it occurred to me that though I felt like I was able to portray this character as accurately as possible I felt like so much was missing or unaccounted for. Because I was working from a CBT rather than psychodynamic lens, I felt like there were clear points where I would have ideally worked more relationally to address resistance or spoken more about the therapeutic relationship. There are always a million different things you could pick out of a patient’s response to respond to, and it was challenging to focus more on the schemas rather than talk about the relationship. I also felt like because of the limits of this paper, I did not have enough space to talk in the methodology or transcript session about how I felt his identities played a part in the development of his schemas. In this example, it was very clear to me that Lasko’s experiences of his parents were only part of the equation as development does not exist in a vacuum – there is a reality that his identity as a pansexual, transgender, Indo-Caribbean, second-generation immigrant and his experiences of xenophobia, racism, heterosexism, and transphobia would have also impacted his feelings of isolation/difference from others and internalized pressure to present and perform well. I also think that this would have been something I discussed in subsequent sessions as I believe this is another function of his schemas – to protect and prepare himself from his experiences of a hostile, sometimes violent world.

References

Avelino Cardoso, B. L., Paim, K., Figueiredo Catelan, R., & Liebross, E. H. (2023). Minority stress and the inner critic/oppressive sociocultural schema mode among sexual and gender minorities. Current Psychology, 42(23), 19991–19999. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03086-y 

Barlow, D. H. (2021). Clinical handbook of psychological disorders: a step-by-step treatment manual. Sixth edition. New York, The Guilford Press.

Hays, P. A. (2022). Addressing Cultural Complexities in Counseling and Clinical Practice: An Intersectional Approach. Fourth edition. Washington DC: American Psychological Association.

Lobbestael, J. (2015). Validation of the Schema Mode Inventory. In M. van Vreeswijk, J. Broersen, & M. Nadort (Eds.), The Wiley‐Blackwell Handbook of Schema Therapy: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 541–552). Wiley-Blackwell. 

Ramnero, J., & Törneke, N. (2008). ABCs of human behavior: Behavioral principles for the practicing clinician. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger & Reno, NV: Context Press.

Rijkeboer, Marleen (2015). Validation of the Young Schema Questionnaire. In M. van Vreeswijk, J. Broersen, & M. Nadort (Eds.), The Wiley‐Blackwell Handbook of Schema Therapy: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 531-540). Wiley-Blackwell. 

Ruiz, F. J., Luciano, C., Flórez, C. L., Suárez-Falcón, J. C., & Cardona-Betancourt, V. (2020). A multiple-baseline evaluation of acceptance and commitment therapy focused on repetitive negative thinking for comorbid generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00356 

Home. (n.d.). Redacted Audio. Retrieved May 5, 2024, from https://redacted-audio.com/

Appendix

Character and Media Primer

Redacted Audio is an urban-fantasy audio narrative on YouTube that centers around the fictional city of Dahlia in southern California and its inhabitants (“Home”, n.d.). In this urban-fantasy world, people are separated into four categories: unempowered humans; empowered humans, which can be further broken down into elementals and energetics (people with control over the four elements, gravity, sound waves, magnetics, psychokinesis, telepathy, seers, or a jack of all trades) and shifters (e.g.: werewolves); vampires, who are turned unempowered or empowered humans that feed on blood to survive, have superhuman speed and senses, and cannot go out in the sun; and demons, beings of pure magic that are not necessarily evil or good. The character I have chosen is an empowered human who was born to unempowered human parents – a human-born – which is a rare kind of person who often faces discrimination and barriers to learning how to control their magic. Lasko is an administrator and adjunct faculty member at the Dahlia Academy of Magical Novices, which is essentially magical community college where students (of any age) can learn mastery over either their specialty or all aspects of empowered human magic. The Dahlia Academy of Magical Novices operates as a school under the larger Department of Uniform Magical Practices, which oversees magical practices, ethics, and maintains the covert status of magic. Lasko specifically has natural control over the element of air, giving him an increased lung capacity and control over air (making wind currents, taking air out of the room, making tornados, etc. – think air benders in Avatar: The Last Airbender if you are familiar), but chose to complete his full certification at The Dahlia Academy of Magical Novices to have a better understanding of all types of magic. He teaches an introductory class on magic for incoming students as a way to provide a less discriminatory experience for other human born students.

ACT Hexaflex

YSQ-R Table

YSMI Table

That's all, folks!

[mushroominaforest]

Hello! Your banner says that if you ask about mushrooms, you can talk about them for hours, let's check. 1) What is your favorite mushroom and why? 2) What effects of mushrooms on both animals and people do you know? 3) From question 2, which effect do you like the most in terms of effectiveness? 4) What do you think of the cordyceps mushroom? 5) What is your favorite dish based on mushrooms or a dish where mushrooms are an additive?

!!WARNING!! I am not a mycologist or fungi expert! I'm just a girl who has been hyperfixated on mycology for three years and counting lmfao. My information comes mostly from books written by mycologists and expert foragers, but take this all with a grain of salt lol. I do not know everything, and there's a chance I'm straight-up wrong about some of this! I don't think I am, I would never intentionally spread incorrect information, but be careful just in case! anyways, mandatory warning out of the way, on to the potentially-partially-misinformed-but-I-don't-think-it-is infodump!!!

1)

Okay, I think this is the seventh time I’ve answered the question about my favourite mushroom 😭, I’ll answer again instead of just linking it this time lol.

I have a few favourites for a few different reasons!

The violet court/webcap (more than the viscid violet court, but I do love that one too lol) is one of my favourites purely because it is a beautiful rich purple to black colour- it’s really pretty! I also like the bluefoot bonnet, and the newly discovered Mycena subcyanocephala mushroom and the Stropharia caerulea mushrooms are also beautiful. Bioluminescent fungi are absolutely mesmerizing in the dark too! I couldn’t pick my favourite beautiful mushroom lol.

For sentimental reasons, the mica cap mushroom was the first one that I ever spore-printed, the prince mushroom was the first one I ever foraged and ate, and the king oyster was the first one I ever grew myself!

2)

…okay, I know a lot. I mostly just know of their effects on humans though, so apologies. I’ll rant about one particular poisonous example to start, the destroying angel! It’s a particularly brutal one, because the symptoms often won’t show up for hours or even days after you ate the mushroom, and a lot of times at that point it’s already too late. It also has a brief period where you think or feel like you’re getting better, before it comes back in full swing to kill you. Typical symptoms of a messed up stomach, along with kidney and/or liver failure. It’s brutal, and it’s very common for patients who are hospitalized by it to die, because by the time they feel bad enough to go to the hospital, the poison is well in their systems. It’s closely related to the death cap, and together they are known as the deadly duo. Another interesting one is the Alcohol Inky, Inky cap or Tippler’s bane mushroom! It’s edible- unless you have alcohol in your system. Even the tiniest bit before or after eating this mushroom (with a four-day buffer) will set off poisonous reactions! Hence the name “Tippler’s bane” lol. On a more positive note, there’s tons of medical mushrooms! Turkey tail has been used to strengthen the immune system of cancer patients. The agarikon has been used to strengthen lungs, treat asthma and help with coughs! Of course, a famous example of a medical fungi is the penicillin vaccine that saved polio patients, but I don’t know too much about that so I’ll try to avoid spreading false information lol. It is amazing though! Even psilocybe- magic mushrooms- have been used to treat PTSD, OCD, depression etc. (CLINICALLY of course, don’t do drugs kids lmao). Hallucinogenic mushrooms are a whole other story about their effects on humans and other animals, and I admit I’m not that knowledgeable about that side of the foraging appeal lol. LSD is kinda wack, to put it bluntly. You kinda have to do shrooms to properly understand the effects lmfao- You gotta be one with the mushroom, man.

3)

Personally, I haven’t experienced any of these effects myself. I have yet to poison myself, I tend to turn to Tylenol instead of fungi when I’m sick and I haven’t done shrooms lmao. I think that the poisonous mushrooms are very cool and effective, there are so many different ways that fungi can try to kill a human, and it’s very fascinating how they each go about it! The death cap in particular is a very effective killer, so props to it.

4)

ah, cordyceps. The inspiration for The Last of Us, one of the finest irl body horror parasites, an equally disturbing and fascinating fungi!

I think cordyceps is a very incredible fungi, although I’d probably have a different opinion if I was a particularly unlucky bug who got infected with it. For those of you who don’t know what cordyceps is, it’s a brutal parasitic fungi responsible for the horrors known as zombie ants. A mycelium system grows inside the ant and fucks up its head, in the simplest of terms. The ant suddenly has a very strong urge to climb, and so it does, typically to the underside highest leaf it can get to. From there, it locks it’s mandibles to the leaf and stays there until it dies (this can take a few days, which must really suck for the ant). The mycelium makes itself known, attaching to the leaf and making the ant appear white and fuzzy, and then a mushroom pops out of its body and spreads its spores far and wide to go commit more atrocities in the cordyceps family name.

cordyceps isn’t the only fungi that’s parasitic on insects, although it is perhaps the best known. Some fungi in this parasite branch are even parasitic on other fungi, while some are the boogeymen haunting the dreams of larvae, caterpillars, spiders and more. Luckily none go after humans, so we’re safe for now! Insects are simply smaller and easier to take over, and aren’t filled with as much blood, complicated organs, immune system defences and body heat. Fungi could probably figure out a way to do this to us, but it’s simply more convenient for them to not. There are tons of fungi that are parasitic to humans though, they just don’t turn us into zombies!

5)

This Morel soup I had at a mycology convention once. It was so fire lmao.

[solaris-amethyst]

🪻Please save Mr. Fishy🪻

✨Pairing: Hendery x vet!gn!reader ✨Prompt: You're a vet and he's pleading with you to save his goldfish since you're the only vet he's visited that hasn't asked him if he doesn't just want to go and buy another goldfish for three dollars. ✨Word count: 1.4k ✨Genre: fluff, humor, non idol au ☀️Authors note: I've never really written humor before, I'm not even sure I did a good job so do let me know if it was good or not. Or if you just enjoyed this one shot or not?🥰 Also I am not a vet nor a vet student so take what I've written with a grain of salt lol. I am no expert when it comes to fishes and vet terms😅

Today was not like any other day at the clinic. It was unusually calm for a vet clinic and maybe you should enjoy the serenity which is often times unusual for you. Your colleagues had gone for their lunch breaks since it was so calm with not a soul in sight and you decided that sorting through the boxes would be a good thing to do now. Sort out what would be necessary to keep and what could actually be thrown away. Your colleague, Sam, had mentioned that everyone always said they'd sort the boxes out but no one had the time nor energy to do so.

"Let's see what we got then." You mumbled to yourself as you put on the radio, enjoying the slow tune of Celine Diones It's all coming back back to me now, the slow piano in the begging matching the calmness as you hummed along while pouring everything on the front desk. Pens, erasers, bobby pins, receipts, pieces of chocolate and much more fell out of the box. You started by going through all of the receipts, some of them were simple lunch receipts that your colleagues must have put in the boxes when they had bought lunch. You threw them all away in the trash can, they were more than a month old and it was hard to imagine anyone really would need a month old food receipt. Next came organizing all of the paperclips, there were way more than you had anticipated but it was nice finally having a lot of them again after going months not figuring out where all of them had gone.

The chocolate you put in a little bowl and put at the front of the desk to give to any owners coming in that might need some extra reassurance or something to calm their nerves as their beloved pet was taking in for surgery or a check up. Just as you were collecting all of the colorful pens to put away in the pen holder you saw outside of the big windows o your clinic a man rushing with incredible speed, you could not help but follow his eyes as he rushed towards the clinics doors, almost slipping past them only managing to stop himself by grabbing onto the door handle simultaneously as he slipped down because of his speed.

The wet pavement and the autumn leaves probably made it even more slippery and from what you could see and hear he had let out a shout in surprise whilst looking down at something he was holding. You started to clear some space on the desk in case he were to enter and just as you looked up again the door flew open and the man who had brown hair and a khaki green autumn jacket on barged in looking around until he saw you. "Help! Please you have to help me!" He said before rushing up to you and putting something on the desk.

"Please help save Mr. Fishy!! I cannot live without him! He's my best friend and number one supporter please I need to have him live longer!!"

You stared at him in shock not expecting him to barge in and hurriedly put a fishbowl on your desk, a fishbowl which had a very sad looking goldfish in it.

"Oh umm hello? Of course I can try and help you? What seems to be the problem with umm.. Mr. Fishy?" You asked him before looking down at the fish to see if you could figure out what the problem might be.

"No please I cannot buy another one for three doll-wait what?! You-you'll help me??" This made you look up at the man who looked at you in shock.

"Of course, we're a vet clinic and while a gold fish usually isn't a part of our visitors I cannot say no to you? I'll do my best to help your fish if you know what the problem might be?"

"Oh thank you thank you for wanting to help him! Everyone I've gone to have just told me to go and buy another one for three dollars. He suddenly started to swim weirdly and he hasn't been eating properly for a few days and I'm really worried. Just please do whatever it takes to help him. He's my favorite fish please and the snails in his tank would be so sad if he suddenly disappeared and the guppys and the discus will all be so sad if he passes away hes like the boss of the aquarium everyones best friend so please please please help him!!" The man was practically leaning over on the desk begging for you to help his fish and you couldn't help but feel bad for him. He obviously cared about the fish a lot.

"Let me take him inside to the vet room and check on him okay? You wait out here and try to calm down and then we can fix with payment and such after it." You gave him a smile as he thanked you profusely before allowing you to take the fishbowl with his little fish he cared for into the other room. As you walked in you put the bowl down on a table and put on some gloves so you can handle the fish carefully.

"Let's figure out what is wrong with you my little friend." You mumble for yourself as you put your hands into the bowl carefully to look closer at him.

-

It took you a while to figure out what was wrong with the little guy, he was having a case of fin rot on one of his fins, at first it wasn't very visible until you looked closer, you had to remove a part of his fin-nippers and use some anti-fungal treatment to make sure that he doesn't get infected again. When you walked out with the little fish the man stood up and rushes to the counter staring at you with hope.

"You do not have to worry, Mr. Fishy is alright. I had to remove a part of his fin-nippers because he had a case of fin rot. I've given him treatment but what you need to do to make sure hes okay in your tank at home is to improve the water quality in the tank and feed him vitamin c enriched food and he should be good to go."

"Oh thank you thank you thank you!!" He bowed towards you multiple times "What's your name?? I need to have a name for Mr. Fishy's savior!!" He stares at you with grateful eyes.

"My name is y/n. I'm glad I could help you and Mr. Fishy."

"Thank you again! I'm Hendery by the way! I'll pay however much it cost and I'll pay you back for your kindness."

You thanked him and told him he really did not have to pay you back a part from paying the fee. He payed and told you he'd pay you back for sure in the future before going back with his fish and the new food for his friend.

-a few days later-

The doorbell rang as the door opened again and when you looked up from the desk you saw Hendery walking in beaming as he was holding a cup walking towards you.

"I told you I'd pay you back! I got you a cup of hot chocolate! I wasn't sure If you'd like coffee but most people like chocolate so I got that!" He smiled as he handed you the cup.

"Thank you Hendery it wasn't really necessary for you to get me something I promise." you responded as you took the cup

"I wanted to okay? I gotta go but I'll see you around!" He waved as he ran out of the door again and when you looked at the cup you could see he had written a little note thanking you and asking if you wanted to hang out in the future with his number written under a little fish drawing.

You smiled as you took up your phone to put in his number, saving him as Mr. Fishy Hendery before deciding to send a text asking if he was free to hang out next Friday, smiling even brighter when you immediately got a text back saying that Friday would be perfect.

Maybe it wasn't so bad after all to help save Mr. Fishy.

[ragingbookdragon]

Captain Jonathan “John” Price is no stranger to hearing strangers and higher-ups call his task force children. Particularly his children, as he’s heard so fondly from Laswell. Still though, the truth of their never-ending statements ring like a church bell in his ears as he sits at the breakfast table in the kitchen and watches two of his kids pester their oldest sibling. It’s always Ghost, he muses, stuck in the middle of the two’s bullshit, which is usually their maniac desire to blow things up, given that one’s a demolitions expert and the other has a tendency to light things on fire—typically their enemies…it’s a habit they’re trying to break.

Ghost’s got his back to Firefly as he pushes Soap’s face away with his right hand, left hand trying and failing horribly to pour cereal out of the box and into his bowl. Price wonders how it all started. Soap and Firefly arguing over who gets the last bowl of Frosted Flakes. Sure, you can buy them in the shops in town, but Firefly gets these sent from her home city in the US to the base—they taste different, she likes to say. But it’s the most important reason as to why she’s not about to let Soap eat them—her order from her family doesn’t come in for another two days. Soap argues that since her mom sent a letter and wrote, “Tell your friend Soap I said hello!” means that he gets dibs. She, of course, says otherwise. And that’s when Ghost walked in and yanked the box from both of them to make a bowl himself. Price can’t ever have one day where he doesn’t hear the three arguing about something—and Ghost doesn’t even argue, he just grunts at them.

Firefly whines as she hears the frosted flakes pour into the ceramic bowl, and Soap’s still barely able to talk as Ghost’s entire hand is as big as his face, five fingers gripping it to hold him at arm’s length; he can’t do much since Ghost’s fingers are pressed against his eyes. It’s when Firefly shifts to go under Ghost’s arm that Ghost reacts like someone’s about to take something precious to him. He shifts, kicking her legs out beneath her and even Price sees her mistake as she automatically puts her arms behind her to catch herself, and everyone hears the sharp crack followed by her gasp as her shoulder dislocates from the impact.

Everyone freezes for a solid moment as Firefly rolls onto her injured side to hold her arm, then Ghost and Soap are pulling away to bend down and check on her. Ghost is quick to apologize but she growls at him as he takes off her jacket and grabs onto her arm, knowing the quicker they relocate it, the lesser it’ll hurt later. Soap’s got her torso held in his grip, stronger than she is, she won’t be able to move, and Ghost doesn’t even give her warning before shoving her arm back into its socket.

“FUCK YOUR MOM AND YOUR DAD!” she blurts out in a pained yelp, and everyone falls silent again as she stares at Ghost, eyes wide as her mouth drops open. “I am so sorry.”

Half the kitchen is expecting Ghost to slap the shit out of her, but instead, he snorts, deep in his chest, full of humor and then laughter breaks out from everyone as Soap and Ghost pull Firefly to her feet to escort her to the clinic for examination.

Price watches as they leave before rising from his seat, swiping the Frosted Flakes from the counter along with Ghost’s bowl and the carton of milk. He sits back in his chair and pours himself a bowl of cereal and begins eating, all the while Gaz is watching in shock. Price catches his eye, smirks, and goes back to his cereal; he’ll be done before they get back, no doubt.

And Firefly still thinks it’s Soap and Ghost who’s eating her cereal all the time…

[ingravinoveritas]

Did you see Neil's tumbler post about autism?? I never knew. Did he ever said anything about it before? My son was recently diagnosed, and Neil saying that he's autistic made me feel... I don't know, connection to him in a new way? Recognized? Hopefull? I don't have the words. Just wanted to hear your thoughts on it. I hope i didn't come off as offensive in some way. English is not my native language.

Hi there! I am slightly behind in Asks, so apologies to folks who have been sending them in over the past few days--trying my best to catch up now.

Firstly, you did not come off as offensive at all, so please don't worry! And yes, I did see Neil's Tumblr post (it's here, for those who might have missed it), and it's given me quite a lot of feelings, for reasons that would probably be expected.

I think what immediately came to mind when I read his post was a conversation I had with Neil when I met him back in November at a tribute to Ray Bradbury. I told him how much I was struck by the story he'd read, as it felt very much like an allegory for autism and resonated so much with my own experiences as an autistic person. He seemed to appreciate my comments and agreed with my observation, but never at any point in our conversation mentioned anything about identifying as autistic himself.

Does that necessarily mean anything? Of course not. I know that Neil does not owe me (or anyone else) a disclosure, and the decision to disclose is a very personal one that each person has to make for themselves. But thinking of Neil's post the other day, I'm also reluctant--for a variety of reasons--to say that it is a disclosure, or Neil definitely stating that he is autistic.

When I got your Ask on Friday morning, I was eager to answer it, though I knew I would have to wait because I was at work. Soon after, I had a difficult, emotionally draining meeting with my two supervisors. I ended up crying at work--which I have now realized is a trauma response--and by the time I got home and was starting to process everything, it was difficult not to look at Neil's post and flinch, particularly at the mention of "superpowers." That day, for the first time in a very long time, I could only feel the "kryptonite" part of being autistic. (My personal stance is that I have never considered autism to be a "super power," but something that is neither all good or all bad, and is part of who I am, yet not all of who I am.)

And from the conversation I had with my supervisors, I felt the responsibility and the pressure of other people seeing me in ways that I never intended--and regardless of whether I want to be seen that way. (For context: This was about my work as a professional speaker and people seeing me as an expert in autism/sexuality, when I never use the word "expert" to describe myself and always tell people I don't have all of the answers.)

The reason I mention this is because I feel like people read that post from Neil and--understandably, of course--saw something. They felt the connection that you described, and that sense of recognition. But what concerns me is that it's going to somehow turn Neil into a representative for an entire community, when that may not be something he wants or feels like he can be. If he is on a journey with autism--whether that means self-diagnosis, or a clinical diagnosis, or not having/seeking a diagnosis at all--that's something incredibly personal. As difficult as that journey is for people navigating it privately, myself included, Neil is possibly doing it in the public eye, which means that everything--every achievement and every misstep--is that much more amplified.

To that end, what I often see with Neil and social media is that he is either lavished with praise or torn to shreds (with very little in between). Being autistic means there is another possible dimension to who Neil is, but it can't be the only lens through which we see him. So I'm just hoping fans don't pin all of their dreams and expectations on him--not only for their sake and avoiding potential disappointment, but also for Neil's. To allow him the messiness and imperfection of being human, instead of a perfect role model.

I hope all of this makes sense. I'm still feeling a little raw from this past Friday, but I wanted to be sure I answered your question. Thank you for writing in! x

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ben Appel

Published: Jun 13, 2023

As a gay man, I have no pride in Pride month. Radical LGBT bullies have captured it – and threaten to 'fix' us by medicalizing and transitioning us. But gay people will NOT be erased again.

Everywhere around me, I see Pride flags. 'It's time to celebrate the LGBT community!' I'm told. But, this year, as a gay man, I'm not proud of my so-called 'community.'

In fact, I'm horrified by it.

Two decades ago, when I attended my first Pride parade, the LGBT world truly needed it. Pride is the opposite of shame. And for decades, even centuries, gay people had been told to be ashamed of ourselves, of our same-sex attraction, and our supposed inability to behave like 'normal' people.

We were harassed and oppressed. Homosexuality was criminalized. If a man was convicted of having consensual sex with another adult man, he was given two options: imprisonment or chemical castration.

Gays were forced to be something we were not. We were erased.

And that's why I am so heartbroken that 20 years later, the LGBT community supports a new practice that threatens to erase gay people.

It is benignly called 'gender-affirming care.'

Today, LGBT Pride marches arm in arm with radical ideologues who contend there is no such thing as biological sex.

Their extreme doctrine claims that men can simply decide to become women, and, most disturbingly of all, that children can actually change their sex.

Educators, policymakers and physicians are telling young boys that if they like wearing dresses or playing with dolls, they might be girls; young girls are told that if they prefer football to ballet, they might be boys; and that with some experimental pills and high-risk surgeries, they can all finally be 'normal.'

Magically transformed, forever.

But what if a young person struggling to be 'normal' is not trans, but gay? What would have happened to me?

In the course of research for my forthcoming memoir, 'Cis White Gay,' I interviewed a wide range of experts and people within the LGBT community on this troubling, evolving ideology. 

I spoke with Dr. Laura Edwards-Leeper, the founding psychologist for the first hospital-based pediatric gender clinic in the U.S. 

'There are definitely cases when I strongly suspect sexuality is the issue with young teens,' Dr. Edwards-Leeper explained of her work with gender diverse and transgender people. 'I wonder about it with children, too.' 

I told Dr. Edwards-Leeper about my own gender-nonconformity in childhood and my concern that if I were growing up today, I would have been erroneously affirmed as a transgender girl. 'I'm sure you would have,' she said.

Dr. Erica Anderson, a transgender clinical psychologist who treats children, shares the same fear.

'I'm afraid too often, [gay boys are] consuming social media that says, "If you are uncomfortable in your body when you hit puberty, if you don't quite fit with your age mates, well, maybe you're trans,"' she told me. 'I think it's a terrible message to kids, that there's no place for variance. And I think it is the foundation under which, in some circles, there is some transing of the gay.'

Can the LGBT community truly be proud of this?

I cannot overlook the devastating reality that the same pills offered to distressed adolescent boys to feminize their bodies and stave off male adulthood are the same pills, just decades ago, that were used to render gay men asexual.

I cannot turn a deaf ear to the words of former gender clinicians at a U.K. clinic, who told The Times U.K. in 2019 about a dark joke among staff, that soon 'there would be no gay people left,' that what happened in their clinic felt like 'conversion therapy for gay children,' or that 'for some families, it was easier to say, this is a medical problem, "here's my child, please fix them!"'

'Fix them'? 'Fix' children?

I also cannot ignore the testimonies of the detransitioners — adult gay men who sought escape from homophobia in a trans identity and have come to regret it. Some tell me that they were coerced to believe that their atypical femininity meant that they were trapped in the wrong bodies.

'Michael' told me, 'The reason why I felt so happy [after transition] was because I got a break from being seen as a gay guy; I was just this normal, hetero-appearing girl.'

Brian confessed that, 'With estrogen, my libido just kind of died, and it felt so great because I always viewed my sexuality as something bad, and [transgenderism] kind of appealed to me because my dad always hated gay people.'

'Steven' said, 'I felt like I'd rather be a trans woman than a gay man because that was like the lowest and most disgusting thing you could be.'

There are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people who are horrified by what is being done.

So, we write, we talk, we tweet. We phone our friends and our relatives and neighbors. We tell them that what is being done to children is medical malpractice.

We explain that recklessly administered 'gender-affirming care' is nothing less than the experimental medicalization of homosexuality that carries significant risks. It leads to infertility and loss of sexual function, and no child can adequately consent to it.

To advocates of these practices, I ask you: Is this what you mean when you say you're on 'the right side of history?'

I cannot shrug off the feeling that in the name of the so-called 'LGBT community' a great injustice may be happening before our eyes. But when gay people speak out – we're called bigots.

Lesbians are told they're hateful if they don't want to date males, who identify as women. And gays are told they're hateful if they don't want to date females, who identify as men.

I've had the term 'cis' spat at me with the same venom that I was once called homophobic slurs on the playground, all because I am 'cisgender.'

I am a male that is exclusively attracted to other males. Is that no longer allowed?

Is this what my 'community' has become – the bullies that we once fought against?

If I am proud of anything this Pride Month, it is my new 'community' of LGBT heretics.

Those of us who stand up in the face of ridicule to say: This is not us. This is not who we are.

I am proud every time we're shouted down by authoritarian activists. I remain proud even as we're called 'evil,' 'right-wingers,' or 'transphobes.'

To that community, I say: Happy Pride.

==

Note: links added by me to preempt deniers: "LiTeRaLLy nO oNe iS sAyInG tHaT!" "tHaT nEvEr hApPeNs!"

[bunglegaydogs]

listen its another dazai theory im sorry but he occupies my brain and i cant get him to leave

this ones a bit of a fucking mad one today lmao however, i was re-reading the fifteen light novel and i decided to look deeper into a query i'd always harboured towards one specific part of it, and that's the relationship between dazai and the old boss, so yk, let's get into it lmao

First of all, go check out this post:

it's a really good post, and it makes so many good points! Of course, my point does differ, but that doesn't matter, the quality and content of the post is amazing! Go show some love <333

This post ^^^ is the one that low-key kind of inspired me to make this theory. Anyways, onto the actual post lol.

So, the Previous Boss. A character that we know virtually nothing about, other than the fact that he was assassinated by Mori with Dazai as a witness, he was a savage leader and later became bedridden, to which his orders became chaotic and disorganised and ruthless. This is all that we know so far. So, not really much to go on. But that's why this is a theory :)

To be honest, it's a theory that's kind of canon in a way? Eh, anyways.

One of the number one things that stands out to me that makes me go "Ah! They're connected further than just a witness!" is in Fifteen, where this is said; (SPOILERS FOR FIFTEEN LIGHT NOVEL)

A distorted, crimson haze emerged from the other side of the subspace, and a figure appeared. "There… There is a nostalgic face. Hey, brat… Are you in good health? Have you been bullied by the doctor?" It was the old boss floating in the air, wearing a traditional, black robe. "Hey there." Dazai smiled stiffly. "It's been a while. How's your back pain? Your complexion is looking nice. Wasn't it a good thing you died? Boss—no, previous boss."

?!

Like, hello? Ahh, it really gets me going fucking feral when Asagiri throws shit like this in. Love you king <3 So, this is clearly like... something, right? I don't know, maybe I am just pure rambling about nonsense this time. I probably don't make a lot of sense, I'm very much quite ill right now and I didn't get to sleep until like 8am, and even when I did I woke up like 3 hours later. I am very much running on fuck all. Anyways!

Let's go more in depth I guess.

"There… There is a nostalgic face. Hey, brat… Are you in good health? Have you been bullied by the doctor?"

"There... there is a nostalgic face." - Excuse me? Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that when Mori killed him, he was fucking bedridden and probably clinically insane fr. He was not right in the head or the body, and he was on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Once again, I'm no expert, but something tells me that he couldn't see Dazai across the fucking room, hiding in the fucking shadows. Fuck, we didn't even see him until the panel of him just... was there. Jumpscare fr. And again, as well as him being pretty hidden and quite a ways away, the Previous Boss was very ill, mans probably had fucking cataracts or something. My point is, there's a diminutive chance that he saw Dazai in the room. Plus, his remaining focus was on Mori, who was also basically obstructing Dazai from view. Suspicious much? Sorry sorry, lmao. Anyways yeah, it's just the "there is a nostalgic face" that gets me.

nostalgia

noun

noun: nostalgia; plural noun: nostalgias

a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past."I was overcome with acute nostalgia for my days at university"

(ofc nostalgia ain't always good like in this case lmao)

Honestly, one can only assume that Dazai and the previous boss had a connection before all this. The theory that appears to be most prominent is that Dazai is either the "rightful heir" to the Port Mafia and the previous boss' son, or that he was adopted by the previous boss. Both are very interesting theories, and I've looked into them and they have strong evidence tbh. They're pretty plausible :)

However, here's me with my bullshit theories that for some reason derail from what everyone else thinks.

I honestly don't think that he was the previous boss' son, however he very much could be, but I do think he had affiliations with him, whether that be his actual parents were affiliated with the Mafia, someone he knew, other distant family members, etc. However he was involved with the mafia, he was. (I'm not saying he was, I'm saying that any way you can think of would probably work lmao)

My point is that I think that Dazai has already grown up surrounded by this environment of violence and bloodshed and exploitation of others to get what you want. When Mori first meets him, he's already a cunning, enigmatic and manipulative child. Where on fucking earth could he have learned that, if not from the people he grew up with, whoever that may be?

Dazai's past will always be one of my top things to think about, because once we get his past, so fucking much might be revealed and explained, and honestly, I need to know fr. (I'm so sorry but 'Killing in the Name of' just came on and I must say, very fitting-) But yeah, sorry, getting off-track. My theory is that his past somehow links into the old boss somehow. Whether they knew each other for ten years or just one before Mori first met Dazai, I think that they definitely did know each other.

Also, another thing of importance to note is the fact that Dazai is still in a suit when he tries to kill himself and gets sent to Mori. Also, I don't know whether the bandages were because of the suicide attempt, or whether or not they're there from before he even attempted it. Personally, methinks it's the latter, but hey, that's not what we're talking about here. Another thing to mention is the fact that Dazai gets sent to Mori, a shady, underground doctor who's clinic is a neutral zone for any fighting and little wars going on between underground rings and gangs, and because at this point the previous boss was going on his rampage, it was sure to be a neutral ground from the mafia. Now, why was Dazai sent here? I've always theorised on this, but my newest one only just blossomed today lmao. One theory I had is that he was found somewhere by a gang member who took him to Mori because he was just like "Oh, a kid, take him to Mori or something." this one I guess is kind of plausible? More plausible than some others lmao. Another one that I had was that whether it was his family or not, the people he was with did not want any suspicion arising around them should they go to a normal hospital with Dazai or they just know Mori's a shady doctor that'll sort him out quick I guess. Another mad theory I had was that Dazai was raised in an orphanage and they didn't want anyone questioning why a child under their care ended up trying to kill themselves on the grounds of the orphanage, so they took him to Mori. (I have more theories on orphanage Dazai, it's one of the least plausible ones but it actually made a lot of sense when I looked deeper into it)

EITHER WAY, sorry, it's clearly suspicious and seedy that you'd send a 14 year old to an underground doctor who is known for being shady and underhanded. Just saying.

God, this got a bit out of hand. Anyways, the newest theory I had for this was that Dazai was under the "care" of the previous boss and had tried to kill himself, Mori got wind of this and took Dazai as his patient, knowing his relation with the previous boss and saw his opportunity to assassinate him, using the fact that Dazai is an acquanitance of the previous boss to his advantage, and the fact that he's his doctor (the previous boss'). Does this make sense or am I actually mentally unwell and just chatting shit?

Well, whatever lmao. Going more in depth into the little extract from Fifteen; "Are you in good health? Have you been bullied by the doctor?" Now, whatever the fuck this means I guess? I'm going to do a separate post about the second half of what he said, because what the fuck. Lmao, but for now, I'm mainly going to focus on the "Are you in good health?" I feel as if this is him not only mocking Dazai, but himself. Asking Dazai if he's in good health, because he's not because he was assassinated by Mori whilst Dazai watched, and he was bedridden towards the end of his life. And, he's mocking Dazai because just a couple days (weeks, months, idk the timeframe lmao) before he died, Dazai obviously was hospitalised because of his suicide attempt, plus the fact that Dazai is just... unhealthy anyways. He's underweight, covered in bandages, mentally unwell and just doesn't take care of himself and throws himself into dangerous situations and has very self-destructive tendencies, PLUS the fact that (not at 14-17 I'd hope lmao) he also drinks, like, that mf is not in a good state. So, I feel as if it's just taking a jab at that, as well as him holding resentment for being murdered when he was ill. Does that also make sense? Maybe not. Sleep-deprived bullshit, my bad. But, as much as it's him poking fun at the situation and the people involved (also it could be bc yk Mori's a doctor, haha funny joke, yk? lmao) I think it's also quite familiar? Like, you know, you see someone that you know, and ask if they're okay, if they're in good shape, especially if since when you last saw them they're very much not. It honestly should come across as a caring remark, but obviously it's not in this situation.

Lmao anyways, another snippet from Fifteen because holy shit;

The true form of the silver flash that cut Dazai was a long scythe as tall as a human being. The old man holding the handle of the scythe gave a muffled laugh. "Cruel… Truly heartless. The day has come where the kid will be beheaded by this hand." The old boss said with a hoarse voice. "But before that, I'd like to talk about my memories… You're an enemy to me even in this body." "Boss. You're no longer a human…" Randou told him gravely. "I used a formula to recreate your memories and personality from when you were alive to insert into my ability… You are simply my ability. And your mission is… to take Chuuya-kun's corpse while stopping Dazai-kun. With that scythe." "Ok, I understand. This soul is a piece of torn paper clinging to your ability. This body is an automatic doll with no interior or self consciousness… But, it's an incredible feeling." The old boss raised the scythe. A black cloth emerged from thin air and wrapped around him… like an old, western grim reaper.

This one got me rabid fr.

Let's go from the start.

The old man holding the handle of the scythe gave a muffled laugh. "Cruel... Truly heartless. The day has come where the kid will be beheaded by this hand."

Right. Right right right. Not only does he laugh after he slices the bitch, what I find interesting is the "Cruel... Truly heartless." Now, he could be referring to a plethora of things, so I'll go ahead and mention a few of them.

One of them could be him calling Dazai cruel and heartless, which is honestly how a lot of people see him and what he does sometimes come across as. He's calling him this because he stood by and watched him get murdered by his doctor, the one who was supposed to be taking care of him. (Again, this is all assuming that he knew Dazai was there, which apparently he did, but how?)

Another thing could be that he's saying it's cruel and heartless that he's having to murder a child. Maybe. But, as we know, he's a ruthless and uncaring man who would not hesitate to fucking deck a kid, so like.

Another thing could be just him being sarcastic about his next sentence, once again mocking and kind of belittling Dazai and making fun of him, because he's in an unfortunate predicament, much like he was.

Now, with a few of those out of the way, moving onto the next sentence which fucks me up.

"The day has come where the kid will be beheaded by this hand."

Now you old on just a fucking minute.

One thing I'd like to say is that typically, a beheading is used as a form of execution. (Also parallells Dazai's betrayal of the Mafia later. Could be me absolutely clutching at straws frantically but I like to make connections and stick to them lol.) And, of course, an execution is a form of punishment for someone betraying or going against any form of law or hierarchy. It's strange to me that he'd use this phrasing. Maybe he's saying this because he feels that Dazai should be punished for not stopping his assassination, and he is to execute him for betraying the Mafia by standing by and watching him die. But Dazai wasn't with the Mafia at this point. Once again returning to my point of their connection and that they knew each other, it could be his way of holding some bitter resentment towards Dazai for betraying him personally, and it's not just revenge he's hoping to get on him. The next bit that also gets me is the "The day has come" as if he's been waiting for this specific day for a while, since before he was assassinated. Gah, it's all so confusing. Also also, the repeated use of the previous boss using words like "kid" and "brat" are also interesting to me. He's really the only one to refer to Dazai that way, bar Chuuya and that one GSS soldier, who was like "The Port Mafia are recruiting kids now?" and of course, Chuuya and Dazai calling each other "brat" "punk" and "kid". It just feels... off, the way the previous boss keeps calling him this. I don't know if he refers to Dazai by his name at all, which could also be a reason as to why maybe they don't know each other at all, because it's of course a plausible line of thinking, as we haven't been given anything that says otherwise. I don't know, it just irks me.

The old boss said with a hoarse voice. "But before that, I'd like to talk about my memories… You're an enemy to me even in this body."

Also forgot to mention the "hoarse voice" when he's saying that to Dazai. That's a big hmmmmm moment fr. Anyways. This part really is so intriguing to me. "But before that, I'd like to talk about my memories... You're an enemy to me even in this body."

Hm? What was that? This part's really fucking suspicious to me. "I'd like to talk about my memories..." So, clearly, there's something in his memories (PLURAL) that he'd like to discuss with specifically Dazai, something so important that the one thing he's been waiting and itching to do must be put aside for the time being. It's the middle of the battle between the previous boss and Randou and Dazai and Chuuya, like, can it not wait?

Irks me, and the fact that (like I said) it's plural. He doesn't say "there's a memory I'd like to talk about." it's just "Let's talk about my memories" almost as if it's fucking all of them.

Then, the use of the elipsis with the jarring "...You're an enemy to me even in this body." is unsettling. He declares Dazai, a 15 year old, as his enemy. Not only has he made fun of him, slashed him up, threatened to behead him and possibly called him cruel and heartless, but he's now stating that he is his enemy, whether he is a corpse or whether he is alive and well, alive and sick, etc...

It's all around a little bit suspicious, if I do say so myself. The next part, where Randou interrupts and stops him in his tracks, is also highly important.

"Boss. You're no longer a human…" Randou told him gravely. "I used a formula to recreate your memories and personality from when you were alive to insert into my ability… You are simply my ability. And your mission is… to take Chuuya-kun's corpse while stopping Dazai-kun. With that scythe." "Ok, I understand. This soul is a piece of torn paper clinging to your ability. This body is an automatic doll with no interior or self consciousness… But, it's an incredible feeling." The old boss raised the scythe. A black cloth emerged from thin air and wrapped around him… like an old, western grim reaper.

(Laughing at the "Randou told him gravely" because he's fucking dead lmao, L)

THIS. THIS. THIS.

"Boss. You're no longer a human..."

SOUND FAMILIAR, YEAH YEAH?

The fact that this specific line was used is just... there's got to be more to it. Why would Asagiri choose to specifically use that? And don't forget when Kunikida also said the same exact thing to Dazai in 55 minutes. (SPOILERS FOR 55 MINUTES)

"The hell are you talking about?! 'Finally managed to die'? You're no longer human! You don't deserve that right! If you really want to die that much, I'll kill you myself! How about this?! And this?! How about from this angle?!"

It just strikes me as odd, the comparisons. Obviously, Dazai's ability being 'No Longer Human', the phrasing Randou used is strange. I don't know. Anyways lol.

"I used a formula to recreate your memories and personality from when you were alive to insert into my ability… You are simply my ability. And your mission is… to take Chuuya-kun's corpse while stopping Dazai-kun. With that scythe."

"I used a formula to recreate your memories and personality from when you were alive to insert into my ability..." So, as we see here, he is just the same as if he were alive and well. He's not just saying all this shit randomly, he has sound reason behind it and he remembers. He has his memories, emotions, etc. (I also want to know when and how he took the body into his sub-space, that's interesting). I don't know why Randou stops after saying "...while stopping Dazai-kun. With that scythe." I don't know, maybe he's just clarifying lol. Hm.

"Ok, I understand. This soul is a piece of torn paper clinging to your ability. This body is an automatic doll with no interior or self consciousness… But, it's an incredible feeling." The old boss raised the scythe. A black cloth emerged from thin air and wrapped around him… like an old, western grim reaper.

And just like that, he's over it. Lmao.

I like the comparison of the old boss the the Grim Reaper, I think that's really important. Especially considering he got his own throat slit by his evil doctor, but.

I think what's so interesting to me about it is that, as we know, Dazai constantly seeks and craves death. He chases after it non-stop, longing for a life that's not his own, and wishing for that one fateful encounter where maybe, he'll finally be able to die the way he wishes. Whilst other people run from death and are scared shitless by the concept of it as they run from the Grim Reaper, harbinger of their fear itself, Dazai actively seeks it. He runs after the Grim Reaper, praying that this time, maybe, he'll die. But as we know, he hasn't yet succeeded (technically he's succeeded twice lmao.) and he still chases relentlessy after him. So, I feel as if the comparison of the previous boss to "an old, western Grim Reaper" is important to note. Once again, I could just be babbling wham. Also, the way he's about to "kill" Dazai is fairly important. The second he raises his scythe, he becomes clothes and adorned in black cloth, like an executioner swinging his axe. A lot is being alluded to in these passages (passages?) that are repetitive themes throughout.

So, this probably made no sense, but honeslty, I just needed to get my jumbled thoughts out there.

In conclusion, I do believe that Dazai and the previous boss have some sort of connection, and I hope it's brought up again, and it wasn't just a one off or a misinterpretation of the scene. It seems really intriguing to me!

A lot of theories that I have seen include Dazai being "heir" to the Port Mafia and whilst that could be a plausible way of thinking, I just don't think so, but who am I to say?

Yes, he was in the room with the boss when Mori killed him; who's to say Mori didn't just bring him with him and say "He's under my care." or something? Maybe it wouldn't be that easy if the room was heavily guarded, especially because it's the Port Mafia's boss and many people are wanting to assassinate him, but they'd never suspect that his doctor would be up to something shady, and so what if he takes a kid in there with him? What's a 14 year old going to do?

Also, if the chances are that Dazai was "adopted" in a way by the previous boss, of course they'd let him go in with Mori, if they knew who he was.

And also, people saying about how why Mori would kick Dazai out of the Mafia at 18 is also due to the fact that he is indeed the rightful "heir" and he knows it, or something. But honestly, I don't know if that has much to do with it. I don't actually think that Mori expected Dazai to leave the Mafia; I don't think he understood the true impact Oda had on Dazai, because Mori doesn't know who Dazai is really. Dazai is cold, and doesn't show much emotion. However, it was a completely different story with Oda and Ango, and I think Mori didn't truly understand the extent that the fondness between them all went to. I think he wanted to keep Dazai under his thumb, reign him in, make him more obedient. If he could take some rogue compnents out of Dazai's life, it'd give him more reason to be more of a... mindless slave? To the Mafia? There's better phrasing, but do you get what I mean? With Oda's sacrifice, Mori killed about 6 birds with one stone. He got rid of Mimic, he got the permit he needed, he (if we exclude my theory of him trying to make Dazai more controlled) got rid of Dazai who was a threat to his position, he got the upper hand on the Division, etc etc. He really hit the nail on the head with that one move. But, in other aspects, it was indeed the wrong move. He lost a lot because of it. He lost the trust of Dazai as well as Dazai himself, he lost one of the most skilled ability users and a phenomenal assassin, also lost quite a few men along the way, (he already knew this but) he lost Ango, a skilled and resourceful information store (lol), etc. Confusing situation lol.

Anyways, sorry, went on a rant, but my point was that kicking Dazai out of the mafia for being the rightful "heir" wouldn't have done much. Dazai could still assassinate him if he wanted to be the boss. Which is why I think he has some underlying motive for doing what he did. Also, the fact that he seems genuinely dejected and angry when the Guild is fighting with them and he mentions that if Dazai were still here, the Guild would have been no match.

Also, a good point that the post I mentioned made was when Hirotsu mentioned specifically Dazai when talking about understanding Mori's motives, which I think was very interesting.

Now, this could probably be about anything, but it does seem like it's directed towards Mori assassinating the previous boss. It could also mean about sending Chuuya over to his location, kicking him out of the mafia (this is the one I low-key kind of think that he meant), etc. It could be a lot, but seemingly it's either only getting Dazai forced out of the Mafia or the previous boss' death. Interesting points all around and their analysis and theory is so so so good!!!

Anyways, this was a bit longer than I expected it to be, I hope it makes sense! Any questions, please please PLEASE feel free to ask! Because I have a lot more to say about this, but I can't write it unless prompted lmao.

Thank you for reading this far, my love <333

Have a lovely day/night! <333

[variousqueerthings]

Asking this genuinely in good faith but: im confused about what you mean when you say sex is a construct like gender? obviously like. The social and societal expectations around sex/gender are a construct. But I dont see how actual biology is? Obviously there needs to be greater understanding of the nuances of differences in sexes, and its not a binary like how a lot of people talk about it. But the difference in chromosomes, anatomy, hormones, etc. between different sexes is real, and it’s scientifically relevant to distinguish between them when performing clinical studies etc. so i guess i just wonder if you could elaborate on what you mean exactly when you say that? Thanks!

hiya, hope all is well in wherever you are anon. EDIT: well this got long

I assume you mean the post I reblogged about acknowledging that sex is also a construct that shifts depending on the agenda of the person speaking about it

first things first, gonna acknowledge, this is not my expert topic. a big reason why I reblogged this post (and a few other similarly ones over the years, reminding me that my tagging is a mess and I need to clean that up) is my allyship for intersex people - I want to listen to what they're saying, so my first big shout-out is to read up on what intersex people are saying about their lived realities and politics

also as a recommendation I've been enjoying a lot of what @genderqueerdykes have been writing (I believe I rb'd that post from there), which is a general widespread queer intersex-gender-and-aromantic-fuckery-based positivity, that is good for my all over the place soul (also I am currently unemployed, but if someone has a bit of cash to spare there's a continuous fund to help support through homelessness at the top of that blog)

secondly to second, I agree with you --it is important to be able to distinguish various characteristics in human bodies (for example, say, the ability to give birth, let's go with a big one there, not everyone can do that one) so that we can effectively support people medically, do important clinical studies, and also, for sure, speak about elements of bodies that are gatekept, monitored, denied agency, and otherwise become elements of a society that is white supremacist, colonialist, patriarchal, ableist, queerphobic, transphobic and -- returning to aforementioned under-discussed elephant in the room -- intersexist

so to clarify on the idea of the post you're referring to, whilst also going into why I've just listed out some of the violating institutions of our society, the way we decide what defines sex, is changeable, and comes from our cultural norms, it's 100% what you said "The social and societal expectations around sex/gender are a construct" <- you're very much understanding the post with this sentence

take sports. sports is currently one of the biggest spaces we're seeing this out in the open. the notion of what defines a Woman (sex-and/or-gender-malleable-depending-on-the-speakers-agenda) is changeable depending on skin colour, country of origin, "masculine" features (also white supremacist in function, who can forget that tweet where three cis non-white women were "called out" for being trans women -- I've seen similar many times), being intersex (whether or not the person knew about it beforehand, and in Caster Semenya's case, she was tricked into giving up that information, so that's a big non-consensual medical violation amongst all the others), and of course, the patriarchal idea that women just must be weaker all the time, and if they won't be it on their own dime, then we'll change the rules and force/coerce them to do things to their bodies that they did not consent to. gender roles enforcing sex as social construct

I note that since the 20s and all through today, women have had to undergo various humiliating checks to "prove" that they were real enough women to play sports. which coincidentally is what people have been saying girls are risking having to do now in America if things continue the way they have been

as a sidenote, I was watching a neat little documentary interviewing various trans people in sports called "Game On, Queer Disruptions in Sport," which included a story by a Bulgarian ex-rower who back in the day was ousted from professional rowing for being tested positive as intersex. in their story they talked about how actually over half the team were, but it was only because they told their coach and it became public that it was a problem. where does sex end and gender begin in all of this? whose agenda does it prop up when not talking about something "allows" some people to be women and others not to be (to be clear, they no longer ID as a woman, but if memory serves as intersex as their gender so that adds a whole nother dimension, but boy oh boy this is getting long)

sex -- in the sense that people are born with different chromosomes, levels of hormones, developmental Stuff that hijinks how those hormones interact with the body, and a million other facets that affect what we call sexual characteristics -- is real, in the same way that height differences are real (here's a video by philosophytube, which from memory is very trans-skewed, which, understandable, she was going head-on with the terfs and transphobes at the time, but I do think less overall on intersex people -- but yeah, she did the height example there, I'm borrowing it)

how we decide to enforce gender through sex, what sex counts as Enough to be allowed access to [insert gender], what sexual characteristics are allowed without censure and/or other forms of violation of body and (you guessed it) how that overlaps with ideas about gendered characteristics, how we create the gender roles based on our assumptions about sex, and then how we enforce those gender roles onto sexual characteristics like a depressing game of ping-pong, in which each reinforces the rights of the other part of the "argument" to say "well, we need to constantly remain vigilant in order for the world to be neatly divided into two, easily distinguishable categories, otherwise Chaos will ensue! how can we know what a Man and a Woman is if it's not clear cut somehow!" (deep breath)

we're.... sort of on the path of going "well alright non-binary is a thing, as long as we assert that this is purely Gender, the Thing Going On In Your Head Ya Weirdos, perhaps we can just about allow something that's a catch-all third gender type thing in a few countries (although, notably to meeeee, not in the UK)," but we haven't yet truly begun to deal with the fact that whatever is going on with the human body is so much more complicated than that and people are absolutely suffering because of this

and the more one thinks about the sheer rabbit hole of this reality, the more one realises just how damaging we're being, first and foremost to intersex people, and then spiralling, hitting every bigoted institution branch in the book on the way down, because well, okay, gender we'll juuust about accept can be fluid and changeable, but we'll not actually... interact with how bodies are fluid and changeable, because of genes, geography, medical intervention, illness, or idk, a hundred things I havent thought about

so in conclusion: how do we decide to define sex-and-gender? what is our agenda with discussing sex/when we bring it up in our politics (and I mean this not just as a hypothetical for frothing at the mouth rightwing bastards, us, who I believe to be well-meaning, too)? is it to end surgery on intersex babies, is it to make sure transmasc people can access pregnancy support, is it to allow girls and women (any and all girls and women) access to healthy outlets in sports, etcetcetc? is it to be able to more effectively discuss the ways bigoted institutions interact with one another to enforce their ideas onto bodies? or is it to rigidly enforce the divide and insist that while we'll allow the gender thing (again, just about, with caveats, heavy disclaimers, etc) there are two sexes, and never shall the twain intersect, interact, overlap, or indeed have anything to do with gender, for they are immutable objective realities that are not at all affected by our politics and ideals...

it's a sad, unsexy state of affairs

I hope this gave a little introductionary Thing and curiosity to poke at it further. potentially somewhere where someone has much more detail on the actual Philosophy of all of this, because I'd think that's cool, and also for this is like. pokes here pokes there, and also can you tell I'm actually jock from the focus I decided to take there? no? whew still in the closet on that one

[slowshcw]

[ anya chalotra | cis woman | she / her | twenty eight ] —— welcome to grimrose, reena dixon-daubney. it’s cool that you’re here, you know. haven’t you heard of the history of this place… anyway, how’s being a local who has been in town for twenty years, especially since you spend most of your days as a veterinarian at the grimrose veterinary clinic? also, not that it’s a bad thing, of course, but i’ve heard people say you can be a little overbearing more than you are vivacious… but that’s just coming from people who are bored here, i promise. to me, you remind me of big yellow taxi by joni mitchell and waking up at 5 am every morning, constant need to be doing something, animal hair strewn every piece of clothing, pushing yourself beyond your limit, the search for something you don’t want to find, not letting go.… hope to see you around, ree.

STATS

full name — reena

nickname(s) —ree

name meaning — gem; joyous song

age — twenty eight

date of birth — september 22nd 1968

religion — atheist

sexuality — bisexual

education level — university (bachelors in zoology, doctorate in veterinary sciences)

family — david dixon-daubney (father), shawna dixon-daubney (mother), daniel dixon-daubney (younger brother).

finances — stable. her job pays quite well, and she’s got a lot saved up.

spoken languages — english

BACKSTORY

born to two teenagers freshly out of high school, it was no surprise when reena was put up for adoption. they couldn’t afford to look after her; they could barely afford to go to college. she was half a year old when the dixon-daubneys adopted her, seemingly incapable of having children themselves. her brother 3d would come as a surprise a few years later. and, she couldn’t be happier with her family, even if they are a group of oddballs. but, the curious creature that she is, she sometime does wonder what happened to her birth parents.

reena was eight when they all packed up their bags and moved to grimrose. her parents were fascinated with the town due to it’s history and folklore, but she couldn’t understand why. young reena wasn’t very keen on change, and to put it frankly, she thought the move was plain stinky. but, after a slight struggle, she quickly blended into life there.

the grims. she’d only lived in grimrose a year when she’d allegedly witnessed it. the creature couldn’t stop talking about it for years. to this day, she remembers the night vividly. the chill seeping into her bones as she walked home, the shift in the air as she turned the corner and the fear that settled into the back of her throat. that’s when she saw it. it’s massive figure looming compared to the small child. it’s deep red eyes, and the growl it emitted. everything she’d heard flooded her mind, she was certain she was cursed.

it would be an understatement to say she was paranoid. and, whilst her parents tried their best to convince her she wasn’t the subject to a curse to calm her nerves, it didn’t quite work. but, she thought, if she tried her best and pushed herself, she could outrun it. she’d like a motor engine that wouldn’t stop. she didn’t want to waste a single second being stationary. it also kicked started her lifelong interest in zoology.

she’d always loved animals, in all shapes and sizes. she’d wanted to be a marine biologist at a very young age. followed by a wildlife expert. and then, a zookeeper (which led her to volunteer at a wildlife park for a year before college). but finally, she settled on being a veterinarian. and despite changing her mind constantly, she was determined she wanted a career with animals and that’s what she strived to do.

she studied zoology at college in massachusetts, followed by veterinary sciences. to save money and to stay close to her family, she lived at home during this for the most part and drove each day. it was only around a 50 minute drive. once she came back, she got a job at the veterinary clinic at home. and has worked there ever since.

she loves her family a lot, but her brother frustrates her to no end and she just can’t wrap it around her head that he would just want to do ’nothing worthwhile’ with his time. she knows she can be a bit hard on him sometimes, but she only wants the best for him and for him to push himself a bit.

EXTRAS

has a dog and a cat. both of which she adopted from shelters. moose is an older mastiff that she adopted two years ago. and, caesar is her black cat she she adopted four years ago. her pet gecko, beanie, recently passed. rip beanie.

for the sake of her own sanity, she’s kind of determined to prove that the thing she saw was just a big dog. or a new species of dog that had yet to be discovered. she kinda of doesn’t want to know, but also has to know.

very science orientated and very big into cryptozoology. she believes there’s an explanation for most things. bigfoot to her is just an undiscovered species. she has a harder time believing in ghosts than anything else.

is a vegetarian, and has been for about 12 years.

very anti government. one of those kind of people that whilst she’d love to discover bigfoot, would be then scared about what the government would do to one.

MUN NOTE

it’s very late right now and i have a bangin headache and am feeling slightly dazed so i don’t know if this makes any sense, but i hope it does. but thank you for reading. if you want to plot, just give this a like, or pop me a message! and i’ll also be doing some messaging tomorrow when i get up. &lt;3

[fowleyes]

headcanon 02 .

hi . im back with more itachi posting . :) anyways im horrid at introductions so im just gonna get to the meat .

content warning : mental health diagnoses , family death , psychosis , delusions , hallucinations mentions of schizophrenia , PTSD

ok we're digging in now . lemme just go ahead and state : my portrayal of itachi will feature him coping / dealing with a number of illnesses ( physical + mental , but in this post we'll be talkin' about his mental health ) . two of his disorders include schizophrenia & PTSD (though i feel ptsd is kind of a given if you've watched/read naruto, i'd still like to write a bit about it) i will be careful with how these subjects are handled and would like to state that i have been clinically diagnosed with both of these , so while i am no expert and am open to criticism (for the most part) , i'm not coming at this blindly .

first , i'll delve into schizophrenia and what it is and how it affects itachi in particular .

Schizophrenia is a severe, chronic brain disorder that causes people to interpret reality abnormally—they don’t know what sights, sounds, and experiences are real or what they are imagining.

Schizophrenia usually involves delusions (false beliefs), hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that don’t exist), unusual physical behavior, and disorganized thinking and speech. It is common for people with schizophrenia to have paranoid thoughts or hear voices. For example, they may believe that someone is controlling their mind or going to cause them harm. These psychotic episodes are often frightening, confusing, and isolating. (source)

there's your basic run-down of what you get when you google schizophrenia, for those who aren't too familiar with the disorder . however, schizophrenia affects everyone differently , and the symptoms & their severity differ from person to person, & can even differ in the same person over time (though do not mistake me here, it does often require lifelong treatment).

here are itachi's symptoms and how they manifest :

Delusions : "A belief or altered reality that is persistently held despite evidence or agreement to the contrary, generally in reference to a mental disorder." (x) so ! in my specific portrayal , itachi does experience psychotic episodes in which he can become delusional ( though i hc that they do subside time to time , but can come on as a result of various triggers or when solitude becomes too much to handle) . that being said , i'd like to reference this scene as one of his episodes . during his episodes , he begins to believe that he truly is the person that his trauma created . he gets carried away in the part he plays & adopts it as his true self . he cannot differentiate the difference between the reality that was forced upon him & the decision he had to make . he believes that what he tells sasuke is true ( though, this isn't the case for EVERY moment he sees sasuke of course. in some moments, he truly is simply playing a part, while being in tune with the reality of what has been done to him ) & he believes that he is the villain that purposefully seeks to destroy .

Hallucinations : "seeing or hearing things that do not exist, such as a voice making commands." (x) Now, this one is purely headcanon-centric, as we don't really get to see itachi experience any hallucinations. however, i headcanon that they most often occur while he tries to go to sleep & during sleep paralysis , & that he bases a lot of genjutsu off of them . that being said, a lot of his hallucinations revolve around torture, crows , and paralysis, all of which are often accompanied by an onset of red and black tinted vision & an altered sense of reality . at times, his hallucinations feel very real to him, and during others, he can be entirely aware of their false reality.

Disorganized or abnormal physical behavior : "inappropriate or strange actions, a complete lack of movement or talking, acting with a childlike silliness, unpredictable agitation, repetitive or excessive movements." (x) Out of what's listed , itachi experiences the lack of movement / talking , sometimes going into a dissociative state, but other times just feeling so far removed from everyone else or utterly apathetic that speaking / moving much seems unreasonable, and other times, nigh impossible. he also experiences unpredictable agitation, as referenced in the last scene i linked, as well as here, when he attacks the police force for making the assumption that he killed shisui & scares sasuke because the scene seems very unlike his usual, pacifist, self. i think that if sasuke hadn't called to him, things would have escalated far beyond what was shown. i also headcanon that itachi repeats many of his movements , though aren't exactly excessive in nature. he experiences a lack of movement more often than anything else, which at times, could also stem from his purely physical ailment(s) as well.

Negative symptoms : (negative here is not used as a synonym for "bad", but rather as a descriptor for the type of symptom.**) "a reduced or lack of the ability to function normally, such as ignoring personal hygiene or not showing emotion." (x) Check & check, he does both of these things. i don't feel the need to elaborate much on these, since they're pretty self explanatory, but if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask<3 here is a cap where fugaku mentions his lack of understanding of itachi's emotions .

** The symptoms of schizophrenia are usually classified into:

positive symptoms – any change in behavior or thoughts, such as hallucinations or delusions negative symptoms – where people appear to withdraw from the world around then, take no interest in everyday social interactions, and often appear emotionless and flat (source)

ANNND i will develop on this further , no doubt, just wanted to toss that into the open.

onto his PTSD. (this will be shorter because a lot of it is already referenced by knowing itachi as a character)

now, itachi developed PTSD at the young age of four years old, when fugaku took him to experience the consequence of war. i want to note that the stress lines on his face are a direct result of his PTSD and how much trauma and stress he undergoes as his life proceeds. before he experienced this trauma, his complexion was more smooth, soft, round.

here is a chronological example of how his face sunk more & more over time. again, in his later years, it could also be exacerbated by his physical illness as well.

anyways, his PTSD developed in a way that shied him away from people, making him avoidant, reclusive, & scared . he become detached from people as a result of watching his best friend die before him, murdering everyone he's ever loved (with the exception of sasuke ofc) and being used again & again for his prowess as a shinobi and his striking knowledge in most regards.

and anyways i have a lot more to say on this but i'm exhausted and need to stop going on, so this will be enough for now...

[alqumia]

idk who exactly needs to hear this, but: having a diagnosis, especially self-diagnosis (i will try not to say a word about self-diagnosing because i want to preserve my sanity, but i hope that my opinion is obvious), it's NOT the same as having a diploma and vice versa. being a professional it’s not the same as living it! you can master all the techniques and have practical knowledge working in the area, but that doesn’t give you life experience, so respect your patient's decision (not gonna comment about the biomedical view of health either. again, obvious). you can educate your patient, but they’re in charge of themselves. on the other hand, having a diagnosis DOESN’T make you an expert. your experience it’s definitely valid, but it’s not universal! of course there is a common ground and sharing your feelings and life experience it’s really important (and can be therapeutic), but when we’re talking about a clinical diagnosis, we can NEVER exclude individuality. i’ve seen many problematic (and potentially harmful!!) things happening because of this way of thinking (from both sides), like self-medication or worse. allow yourself to be educated too. that's okay. i agree patients should be active and have autonomy when it comes to their own treatment (that’s why being a professional doesn’t make you unquestionable), but that’s not what i’m talking about. we can work together, guys. an expert's opinion must be respected, a patient's way of life must be respected. period.

and see a professional for an official diagnosis. i know not everyone is able to do it right away (either because of money, medical trauma, etc.), but try to stay safe, please. not going to morally judge you, i am just deeply concerned about how this is going.

(also stop assuming people’s situations, that’s not very helpful)

[audio-luddite]

Results?

I had a few more hours with the space heating CL60. I find myself in an anxious state of mind. Is it working OK? Is that sound I think I am hearing real? I gotta relax.

I played the Loreena McKennitt album that had an issue a couple days ago. It is fine now. I guess it was the cartridge tracking force. The extra 0.2 gram made a difference. That cut on side one of Ancient Muse is really really complex.

After that I played an old (most of my LPs are really old) Linda Ronstadt Lush life album. Some of the character I found last time was missing. Hmmm. More burn in time?

Generally I am getting used to the voice of the CL60 with fresh glass. It is different.

The owner of UPSCALE AUDIO does videos about stuff. I remember one on how long tubes last. He basically said tubes change over time, and they may sound really nice after a while and even when almost spent may not need changing if you like the sound. California attitude summed up right there.

The old Stereophile review of the CL60 from 1995 mentioned that the sound was a bit off until he left the machine running straight through for a couple days! Talk about warming up the hardware.

(for your reference)

Leaving a tube amp on 24 hours a day means you will hit 2000 hours in 83 days. 4 tube sets a year is just crazy. Oh to be a magazine employed golden ear. Its all a business expense.

I am not so fortunate financially. Oh and in 1995 tubes cost a LOT LESS.

From my biasing exercise I know that the electrical values change over an hour to 90 minutes as everything gets happy. So I play streams of stuff while eating dinner before I get serious.

I can say that early in my session the sound was a bit hard in the treble. Harder than the Franken-Amp. What is hard? Err, I think it is a bit of peaking or extra distortion on certain treble bits. I think I am hearing what the reviewer described in his take. So I got real ARC Factory sound? Is this what they mean by cold, and clinical?

Later it tamed a bit or was it the different albums I played?

It may also have been the AT440 stylus on the AT7 body. The AT440 was thought as a hot one. This is when I think I should pop in the Grado or the old AT7 Stylus. That could tame it a bit. My hearing is only good for about 12khz.

See you can fiddle with all sorts of bits of the system to adjust the voice. Is that a good or a bad thing?

Aside from the "cold" sound I got lots of wonderful effects. Great sound stage and depth. The cool organic textures the old CL60 painted over things are there, but more restrained. I hear the skin of a drum, and the wood of the stick, but not as prominent.

I wonder if it is the tubes needing to burn in more. I am about 10 hours worth of time on the set. I will check the bias in a week or two. It is easy with my external test points. I don't even have to pull it from the rack to test. I do to adjust though. That is a pain still. That bias pot is in a bad spot. (I wonder if I could move it?)

So the adventure continues.

I read an interesting thing about Scotch Whisky (that's how you spell it dammit). A renowned expert, who is Scottish or course, said there is no best whisky. There is good Whisky, and there is better Whisky. Sounds familiar that.

On duty:

AT7V cartridge with ATN440ML stylus. Phase Linear 8000 series 2 turntable. ARC SP14 preamp with Russian EH 6H23Pi tube. ARC Cl60 amplifier with 8 new EH 6550s. My invisible speakers.

[tetedump]

How do you bring your identities into your work in clinical psych?

what a lovely question. I hope to be able to expand on this answer over the course of this year, as my training will be focusing specifically on anti-racist and decolonization therapy, which incorporates exactly your question—acknowledging my identities and how it plays out in the therapy space.

I do my best to acknowledge my identities when it comes up in relation to something the client is saying, or notice their body language and mention an identity of mine if I suspect they are thinking about it. or if I am thinking about it on my own!

this has come up when working with older male clients who were discussing overcoming their objectification of women over the course of their life. some of them on their own mentioned how 'you're a female' (hehe i loved that phrasing) and so I would ask 'yeah, how does it feel to be talking about this with me, a young woman?' and they responded with something along the lines of 'it's a bit weird, but I feel like it shows how far i've come' 🥺 like fuck yes pop off.

in talking with clients about racism, I do my very best to be extremely validating and demonstrate interest in what they are saying. I try to be aware that as a white healthcare professional, I have the power to be extremely dismissive and continue traditions of micro/macroaggressions in professional settings (and in white/POC interactions). so I try to validate everything they are saying and ask for more details. I thank them for telling me and acknowledge that it can be incredibly difficult to do so to a white clinician, and I reaffirm my appreciation for their sharing. and then I do my very fucking best to assist them in any way I can and communicate the entire time so that as little as possible that I do takes them by surprise.

I haven't yet brought up my religion with anyone, although I do wear a jewish star ring and my last name is quite Ashkenazi, so it is very possible that has been present in some clients' minds. similarly, I haven't discussed my queer identity with anyone, although I do think me asking for pronouns in the beginning of every interaction with a new client likely clues some people in.

tldr, I try to be aware of my identities (including ones not mentioned above, such as being able-bodied, having my own mental health diagnoses, coming from upper class, etc etc) as well as the identities wrapped up in the roles I play (white healthcare professional, therapist who may be seen as the expert). I try to name them when clients bring them up, I think they are thinking about it, or I am thinking about it as a factor that may be at play. but i'm looking forward to expanding on this skillset over the course of this training year:)

I'll update as I learn more!! please of course feel free to continue asking questions:) <3