#i am not going. other commitments that week
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PICK A CARD General Reading (November 11-17)
Disclaimer: Only take what resonates and leave the rest behind. I am only posting this reading on profiles I’ve listed on my Linktree (https://linktr.ee/carinasibila) – all other profiles that might post it are fake. Decks used in this reading: Kitty Kahane Tarot Blue Bird Lenormand* Original Kipper Cards** PILE 1 Ace of Pentacles, Ship*, Lovers** Back of the deck: IV of Pentacles This week, you’ll likely come across an exciting opportunity; one so exciting that you might think it could be too good to be true. The cards counsel you to open-mindedly explore taking advantage of this opportunity as it’s likely to be as amazing as it sounds. Should you decide that it’s worth it, you should fully commit and start the journey towards a brighter future. PILE 2 IX of Swords, Fish*, Unexpected Income** Back of the deck: IX of Cups Recently, you’ve been dreading that a situation that went wrong for you in the past is going to come up again – and this week, it’s finally going to happen. Take heart and face this challenge with confidence. You’ve taken a lot of small steps to change, and, cumulatively, they mean that you’re a different person now than you were back then. This time, things will turn out well for you! PILE 3 II of Cups, Snake*, Bad Health** Back of the deck: III of Swords This week, you might encounter someone you’ve had (a) painful experience(s) with in the past. The cards encourage you to not cling to the hurt that this person has caused you. The person in question or their circumstances might have changed, and thus a burying of the hatchet or the beginning of a full-on reconciliation might be in the cards. Cautious optimism should be your guiding principle.
#pick a card#pick a pile#tarot#cats#autumn#cozy#hygge#witchblr#free tarot#weekly tarot#general reading#blue bird lenormand#kipper#spiritual guidance#carinasibila
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Parting Words of Regret
(Alternately, Jason left Damian with the LoA to start getting revenge on Bruce and the others who wronged him in Gotham. He reunited with his little brother upon returning to his family, but things aren’t the same.)
Damian’s studying in his room.
“Hey, buddy,” Jason says from behind him.
“Hello,” Damian replies, turning to face Jason. “Why do you look guilty? Did you spike Ommi’s coffee again?”
Jason smiles. “No, nothing like that. I just have something I wanna talk to you about.”
“What is it?”
“I have to go.”
“Go where?”
“Going to do some training before I go back to Gotham.”
“So you’re not coming back?”
“I am coming back, just once I’ve dealt with Bruce.”
Damian’s face gets hard. “So you’re not coming back. You and I both know that if Grandfather couldn’t beat him, then you can’t.”
“I know him better than Ra’s does.”
“Don’t go.”
“You know I have to. I’m sorry that I have to leave you.”
“No, you’re not. Go.”
“Damian…”
“Go deal with your strife and we can talk once it’s done.”
Jason pulls Damian into a hug, which Damian barely accepts. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Don’t make that promise.”
Two years Later
It’s been a long three months. Three months since Jason joined back into the Wayne family. Damian made no sign that he recognized Jason, so Jason’s been pretending that he doesn’t recognize his little brother. Jason’s reading in the living room of the manor because he’s waiting on Bruce to show up so he can try to talk him out of making him get a GED. Damian storms into the house and goes straight for Jason. He almost gets to Jason when he stops. He gets this angry kitten look, then turns and storms upstairs. Jason feels a pang of sadness and shifts uncomfortably.
Bruce walks in. “Where did Damian go?”
Jason points to the stairs.
“He got suspended for fighting.”
“That’s what he was taught to do when he has a problem, but I find it unlikely that he started a fight.”
“Why? I mean, I know he didn’t start the fight, but what makes you think that?”
“Common sense,” Jason answers, dodging the real answer as best he can.
Bruce heads up the stairs and Jason decides that it isn’t worth having this fight today. Jason heads into the kitchen and starts making a sandwich. Tim comes down.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” Jason asks.
“Shouldn’t you be at school?” Tim replies.
“Fair. Do you want a sandwich?”
“No, I ate lunch at a normal time, not two o’clock in the afternoon.”
“Lucky you, I guess.”
“I do have a meeting to go to, so I’ll be back.”
“Bye, Tim.”
Tim heads out and Jason ends up spending the rest of the day in his room, skipping dinner. All the little things are really getting to him concerning Damian. He’s used to his little brother running over to very aggressively tell him that they have to spar or he’ll commit a murder. Or that he’s just been struggling with his grandfather’s impossible standards for him. Damian would tell him everything. He ends up falling asleep without coming to a consensus on what he’s gonna do considering he hasn’t slept much the last week.
The explosion buries Jason in debris. He can’t breathe, he struggles to get out from under the rubble. He feels himself losing consciousness and he cries out for his dad one time before losing consciousness.
Jason wakes up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. He sees a small pair of eyes at his door.
“Dami?”
“Are you alright?” Damian asks.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Jason answers between breaths.
“Alright, goodnight.”
Jason’s door shut and footsteps retreating. Tears spring up in Jason’s eyes and he aggressively tries to rub them away.
I deserve that. I left a little kid.
Jason lays back down and tries to fall asleep again. Instead, he spends the rest of the night wide awake. He’s exhausted, but he can’t seem to fall asleep.
“Jason, breakfast!” Dick shouts.
Jason groans, then gets up and heads downstairs.
“You look…” Dick starts, but Jason cuts him off.
“Comment on it, and I’m going to take out your knees.”
Jason sits down at the breakfast table and everyone’s there. Jason glances at his watch and remembers that it’s a Saturday. Breakfast is rowdy, but Jason avoids talking to anyone. Dick keeps trying to make conversation with him, but he shuts it down with one to three word answers. He gets up and heads down to the Batcave to blow off steam and hopefully tire himself out enough to sleep. He doesn’t tire himself out enough and he spends the day mostly like a zombie.
That night on patrol, a major villain attacks, bringing all hands on deck for damage control. Jason’s dealing with civilians when he sees Damian running. Damian trips and falls, and he looks terrified.
“Damian!” Jason runs towards his younger brother and scoops him up quickly.
Damian blinks slowly. “Jay?”
“Yeah, I’m here. You’re safe.”
Damian grabs his jacket and puts his head on Jason’s chest. “Don’t leave me again, please.”
“Is Robin okay?” Tim asks. “He got hit with a gas and he made a run for it immediately.”
“I’ve got Robin, he’s alright,” Jason says. “I’m gonna take him home.”
“Do that,” Bruce replies. “I don’t want him in harm's way if he’s been gassed. Run blood tests when you get back. If he needs it, get him to Leslie.”
“I will.”
Jason takes Damian back to the Batcave and easily distracts Damian so he can get his blood.
“That’s it,” Jason says. “That was easy.”
“What was easy?” Dick asks. “How is he?”
“Still fine, and getting blood.”
It gets quiet on comms. Jason ignores it and starts running tests, keeping Damian held against his chest.
“How did you do that easily?” Dick asks. “I need you to teach me that.”
“Maybe later,” Jason replies. “His blood’s got some drugs, but none that will do any lasting damage.”
“That’s good,” Tim says.
“Keep an eye on him, Hood,” Bruce says. “At least till I get back.”
“Will do, boss. Signing off.”
Jason pulls his comm out. “Do you wanna change?”
Damian nods, so Jason puts him down. The two change, then Jason picks Damian back up. He carries him upstairs and they settle down on the couch. Damian falls asleep not long after getting settled. Jason runs his hand through Damian’s hair, careful not to make contact with the healing injury near the front of his scalp. He makes sure to keep up on where Damian’s injuries are.
“I’m sorry I left you, buddy,” Jason whispers.
Damian makes a soft noise and turns a bit, but doesn’t wake up. Jason’s chest feels tight and he forces back tears. He pulls Damian a little closer and puts his cheek against Damian’s head.
“I love you.”
Jason ends up falling asleep too. He wakes up hearing the door slam shut. The sun is out, so he slept for a while.
“I’m here!” Dick calls out.
Jason looks and Damian’s still asleep.
“Shut up, Dickie,” Jason hisses.
Dick pokes his head into the room and his face lights up like a Christmas tree.
“Don’t you even…”
“Awww. Look at you two.”
Jason glares at him until he raises his hands.
“I’m gonna go find Dad. Love you, Jay.”
“Get out.”
Dick goes upstairs, so Jason returns his attention to Damian. He gently picks his younger brother up and takes him up to his room. Once he’s covered up and still soundly sleeping, Jason heads to his room. He spends an hour in the shower, then heads down to the Batcave. He starts wrapping up his hands so he can punch the punching bag. Damian comes down and goes right over to Jason.
“Hey,” Jason says.
“May I speak with you privately?” Damian asks Jason.
Jason stops mid-taping up his hands. “You mean without cameras? Because we’d have to take a walk.”
“That is fine with me.”
“M’kay, let me finish this up and we can go,” Jason replies, continuing to tap up his hands.
Damian walks over and holds out his hand. Jason hands him the tape without hesitation. Damian starts taping up his hands quicker than Jason was doing it, but just as carefully. Jason smiles a little as his brother finishes taping up his hands.
“You’re slow. Let’s go.”
Jason gets up and follows Damian upstairs to the living room. Damian grabs a jacket and offers Jason his.
Jason takes it. “Thank you.”
Once they’re out of the house, Damian sighs. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Don’t want to do what anymore?” Jason asks.
“Pretending that we didn’t know each other before. You seem to want to, but I don’t want to keep this up.”
“Hey, I just did it because you didn’t act like you recognized me when I got back.”
Damian cuts his eyes at Jason. “I did it when you first came back. Like to Gotham.”
“Oh. Well, I feel stupid. I never want you to do something you don’t want to do, buddy. Except eat your vegetables.”
“It’s just cauliflower and it tastes horrible,” Damian replies. “You can’t make me eat it.”
Jason smiles and puts a hand on Damian’s shoulder. “I was just thinking about how I couldn’t keep this up.”
“Because of yesterday?”
“Straw that broke the camel's back.”
“So we’re going to stop this weird act?” Damian asks.
Jason nods.
“Good, I’m far past sick of it. Mother’s been wanting to talk to you since you came.”
“Oh yeah, not dealing with that right now. I’m still too tired for that. Tell her I’ll call her when I’m up for it.”
“Sure, that’ll blow over well.”
“What is she gonna do?”
Damian shrugs, even though his face says he does know the answer. “We should get back before someone comes looking.”
“Yeah, come on. You gotta hold my hand while we cross the street.”
“I will kill you.”
“I love you too, buddy.”
“Love you.”
They head back to the manor, Jason holding Damian’s hand.
#whumptober2024#whumptober#no.26#nightmares#breakfast table#parting words of regret#batman#jason todd#damian wayne#bruce wayne#tim drake#dick grayson#league of assassins#batfamily#batfam#dysfunctional family#angst#feels#domestic fluff#happy ending
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Gnawing on this au like a bone rn but specifically in thinking about emduo like as in how Technoblade is the very first hero to turn sides for his friend. He witnesses Phil slowly starting to falter in missions, starting to disappear for days on end, and eventually he finds out that Phil is trying to find any method at all to get his son back and technos just like “yeah ok. Lets find a way to get your boy back from death. Whats that, we need murder for the questionable ritual thing? On it” like he has one ☝️ second of going “hm morality?” But then he sees Phil having the fifth breakdown this week and he’s like “i am over morals actually lets go friendship”
And from there they keep searching into ways to revive someone, and it tends to get a bit messy. First attempt doesn’t work. Techno is like “second go needs more murders? Got it, doubling the murders” and Phil is ever so grateful and now very determined with the chance of victory feeling in reach. They try to keep this all somewhat secret. A few heroes find out, and join in, because for Phil, the world, or in this case, his boy returned. Eventually the secret has to be let out, and Phil and Techno and others are labeled as villains for the shit they’re getting up to. Phil is like “dont care. Being a villain is more efficient now, im not fixing my reputation” and techno is like “yooo into the dark side we gooo” and the other heroes are like “yeah im too far in at this point might as well commit to Philza Minecraft”
I love sandduo angst haha au where they’re super heroes and also father and son and phil is the best hero of the current times, number one name, but he fails to save his son in a mission gone wrong. He saves everybody he fixes every problem but he cant save his son. Wil rushed into danger he wasnt ready for that day bc he desperately wanted to be good enough for Phil he wanted to be a worthy hero that could stand next to his dad but now he will do nothing at all. Phil goes mad with grief over losing him and begins looking into ways to get wil back. His methods become warped over time, more desperate and more destructive, to the point where he doesn’t care about his reputation or his duty anymore. He just wants his son back. Being such a well trusted name in the hero business, he begins to pull heroes to his side, life long friends putting their own morals aside for their friend’s happiness. When wilbur does return, at last, it is to a changed world, his dad unrecognizable in all that he’s done, the heroes he used to admire corrupted into villains who no longer care about some greater good. All that matters is family, now. All that matters is him.
And now that they’ve got him back at last, all thats left is making sure Phil can never lose him again
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was barely using Facebook before moving here but it’s infrastructure for events in Europe. small markets and art shows and mini festivals use it as their primary or only pr, eateries and venues put up their calendars there, etc. so now I check events there to see what’s up in Berlin over the next couple of months
well. things are certainly taking place. happenings are afoot
S A M S T A G
19 • 10 • 2024
22:00 » 10:00
✩⋆NACHTS⋆✩
⦙⦙Doors 21:00⦙⦙
⦙⦙Show 22:00⦙⦙
bis Mitternacht
⫸⫸ 15€ ⫷⫷
MUAHAHAHA! 💥🦇🦷
Hier kommt die FÜNFTE von ZÄHN zahnsinnigen Wurzelbehandlungen. Mit minzfrischer Mukke auf allen Floors
und zahntastisch-amüzahnten Performances & Specials - diesmal allnightlong, von Zähn Biss Zähn im Kater Blau deines Vertrauens!
Die beiden regierenden Adelsfamilien, Famile Eisenbiss und Familie Schattenzahn, laden euch zu besonders zähnsationellen Feierlichkeiten ins Schloss des blauen, zahnlosen Katers ein. 🏰
Um welche ZÄHNSATION es hierbei genau geht, erfahrt ihr ganz bald…. 🧌🧛♀️🧛🏼🧛♂️🧟♀️
🚨Soviel sei schon mal gesagt: Das Land ZAHNSILVANIEN braucht ganz dringend eure Unterstützung!!!! 🚨
🦷 Naaa? klapperste vor Aufregung schon mit den ☡ähnen? Wir auch! 🦷
𝗠𝗨𝗞𝗞𝗘 ♪♫♪
Acid Bogen
Hopper
Hütte
Hacienda
Live Konzert Special
𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗙𝗢𝗥𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 ㋡✌︎
SHOW Start 22:00
Hells Dentists Tattoo Station
Grufti Karaoke
Vampirische Zahnfeen
Souvenir & Gift Shop
Höllen Photobooth
Blutiges Backenzahnangeln
Entourage LED Special
𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘣𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘰𝘯
𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗖𝗢𝗗𝗘 𖠋𖨆ꃔ
☡ahntastische Outfits
...bissig, verrucht & blutrünstig!
๛ ☡ahnseide . . .
๛ Dr. Zahnkenstein . . .
๛ ☡ahnstocher . . .
๛ Anesthesist*in . . .
๛ Zombie Zahnfee . . .
๛ Absauger*in . . .
๛ Zahnstein . . .
. . . . . und alles was das zahntastische Vampir♥︎ begehrt!
_____
this is real, look
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It's Pembroke's birthday and in celebration I uhhhh made her a business card 👍
I had the idea for this two sided card ages ago but only just got to making it. Don't need to worry about which business card you have if it's the same card >:3c
(If this prompts any interaction ideas, do feel free to send her a calling card <3 (link in pinned))
#the D__ isnt actually left blank its just like left out like how the game does names#bcus iiiii couldnt think of and/or commit to a street name lol#anyway yea tis her bday <3#posting this ten minutes before midnight bcus i lost track of time lmao#i have multiple other drawing of her on the go but just didnt have the time to finish them for today </3#also. warning that if you do send a card that i am.. incredibly slow#sometimes response time is day-of. sometimes its over a week. i do not control the brain#oc: cordelia/theodore pembroke
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having my brother move back in has solidified my stance that i don’t think i could ever willingly choose to live with a man
#because tell me why he leaves every cupboard door open for no reason#my kitchen and bathroom have never been dirtier and more disgusting#he just leaves every light on??? always????#washes the pots in cold water… leaves his shoes directly in front of the door#every towel is sodden and crumpled#like i am about to go insane by the end of this month and he’s here until like february#my mum at least has four days of the week at her partners house to have a breather but i’m just here 24/7 as his mess builds up like crazy#genuinely think ill commit a crime before my birthday#stelle yaps#like if i got a bf we’d just have to live separately next door to each other
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..
#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match#i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum#but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now#that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match#when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured#im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me#idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for#thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them#certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently#as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me#the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself#hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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almost cried in the car back from work again lol
#today was difficult. first of all i was so sleepy you could literally see my brain buffering for the first two and a half hours#then 10 min before going home the team leader comes asking if on tuesday (i'm off the whole day) i can come in the afternoon#man i felt crushed like i just made plans with my friends yesterday to go hike since i was home!!#so i was like uhmmm i kinda already have a commitment that day....#so she kinda backtracked saying she has to see maybe she can do it herself#but likeeeee i feel guilty bc i only have 1 hour overtime scheduled next week and idw to put more hours on my coworkers but likeee come on#i already work two full days next week why am i the one who needs to do another afternoon too. why do they give us schedules 2 weeks before#if they're always changing it last minute. man im tired too !#and i always say yes so this time im really gonna say no . i can do another day i can work more hours the other days but i wanna be home on#tuesday#but i still feel guilty about it though#it's hard being a pushover
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💃🔪👨🏻
👨🏻🔨👩🏻🔧
🏃♀️🏃🏻♀️🏢
#this is an illustration of me enthusiastically committing patricide and then running away#because that is the mood of the day#my mom got her report from her adhd testing and she shared it with me because i am an experienced reader of psych reports#and a longtime adhd haver and knower abouter#and she didn’t want to share it with him because she KNEW he’d be mean and leverage it against her#and she called me because she was sad it’s taken her so long to get diagnosed when she has it actually quite bad#and i was like well it speaks to your strengths that you’ve been successful even as this flew under the radar#and i pointed out her strong score on initiation as something that probably helped disguise other symptoms#since she can start things better than anyone else i’ve ever known with adhd#and he cruises in to say THATS NOT A STRONG SCORE ITS JUST BETTER THAN OTHERS. ITS JUST AVERAGE#and i’m. livid actually#and the way this brings up soooo much of what i hated myself for way back when#and how the ways he does not respect her so closely parallel the ways i thought about myself for years. because i’m SO much like her#and he denies that as a compliment to me and i’m like no i like being like her???? asshole lol#he also had shit to say re her lowish score on emotional regulation and she’s like…if you think living with me is hard imagine BEING me????#anyway we’re going down there in a week we’ll see if he survives or if i have to break out his oversize hammer collection#alhpd#ok actually i updated the pictures. eva’s knifing him i’m beating him w tools and then we run away together. marriage!
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meeting people in real life is SO HARD like people who have the confidence to talk to and/or openly flirt with strangers astound me
#personal#i have been going to pottery class for 6 weeks and i have barely spoken a work to anyone other than my teacher#like no one my age in my class talks to each other#not for lack of trying!!#i am also working my way up to giving my number to the guy that works there which is terrifying#every weeks we have a little chat and i lose my nerve#but on the last week of class i’m committed to doing it bc i never have to go back lol
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#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water#it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing#still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy#maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body#and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing#but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things#i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they#crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness#i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give#interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year#was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped#the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury#and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right#but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel#fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe#but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water#anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time#vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see#unrelated
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going to finally finish baldur's gate 3 for the first time tomorrow. the journey comes to a close (for about 5 minutes and then inevitably I will start the game again)
#damien.txt#so my first run is probably going to round out at about 70 hours i think#which is. whoooo. a lot of time. especially in.... a week and two days lmaooo#already making plans for my next playthrough lmaoo#definitely doing durge that is trying to be good/defy destiny#havent decided a class yet#and i am thinking abt romancing gale but also like.#astarion is right there... looking at me.....#doesnt even matter that ive seen basically all the durge/astarion scenes via youtube#brain wants to see them in game#but i also want to romance others so 😭😭😭#also! this time i am going to try my damndest to actually get lae'zel 🙏🙏🙏#altogether i think itll be a very different playthrough bc i sure did make a lot of mistakes#a lot of death. so much death. so many of the companions died fr its appalling#also also!! hopefully the next run gives me a chance to free orpheus fr because i went and got the hammer#and then never at any point ended up back in the prism??? and i was like well.... i guess we have to commit to helpong the emperor#but like. i went through all the effort to get the hammer. damn.#so. hopefully i get to see that side of things next time#bg3
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Damn wish I could be dating this girl.....she literally sent me voice messages about her day and I'm like 🥰🥰🥰 but we literally cant be in a relationship cause we're looking for entirely different things. And I love being friends with her but I just can't shake off these feelings 😭
#this reminds me of when i had a massive crush on a straight girl back in school#except this is kinda worse cause there is a mutual attraction here (or at least there used to be lol)#but i met up w her a few days ago for brunch and she talked a bit about some of the hook ups she's had with guys#and how she wants to get back w a guy who's kinda an arsehole cause at least she knows there wont be commitment#and then i was like damn i HAVE to get over her literally nothing good will come of this#but here i am now offering to come over on my days off next week to help her clean her flat. imagining our future together etc.#reapplying my clown makeup rn#what i really need to do is go on a couple of dates with other people#i've literally spent a year pining for her 😭
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i need you to know that that poly embassador fic got me chewing on drywall (in a good way)
lmfaooooo thank you mrs ambassador is a woman of only the most immaculate taste 🫶🏻
#ask.🌧#k-emii#everyone on both sides knows jy is just being coy#yanqing is the only one who didn’t know and that’s solely bc the one other time she paid a visit while he was around he got sick#and was banned from interacting w the entourage to limit germ exposure#poor guys out of the loop#I had to limit my musing but he rlly does spend like a solid week going#???? am I insane why is she just Openly trying to commit adultery and EVERYONES CHILL WITH IT#bc all the other officials and cloud knights and everyone is just like haha yeah that’s the ambassador for u she’s a persistent woman :D#and obvi jy is very receptive#I was also gonna make it obvious that they’re fucking the whole time but Also cut for length unfortunately#but rest assured there is A Reason she and 1 are staying at his house#yes both of them#half the reason he hasn’t accepted a ‘engaged indefinitely’ arrangement (bc he DOES intend to accept like genuinely) is bc#if they were engaged then 1’s oath of silence wouldn’t apply to him and he. he likes the challenge there#horrible man awful man 😒
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forgot how stupid I am when my boyfriend's in town he is so sweet tho..... what am I supposed to do ...
#he came back yesterday and i slept over w him :-)) this morning he was all 'sorry for keeping u up so late 🥺🥺'#he always says this and i think he rlly is sorry but im always telling him not to be bc well i kept myself up late#no one made me stay up least of all him. hes the only reason we ever get any sleep anyway i would keep us up all night bc i am so stupid#anyway i was rlly nervous abt him coming back just bc i hadnt seen him for two weeks and i thought maybe it would be weird when he got back#and over the break we had this long conversation i was like in 2023 i am cracking down on crime committing to the bit#we r all using all my pronouns all the time and im serious abt it. and u have to be rlly good abt it bc ur my boyfriend#and he said ok i do not rlly understand but i will try my best#and i thought yeah this guy is not going to be able to get w the program. i think tho he is actually getting w the program pretty well#(he's asked me abt this several times in the past and i basically told him not to use my other pronouns)#(bc i didnt fully know what i wanted yet and if it was going to be confusing to him it would stress me out and not be worth it)#(and he said he would be able to get w the program and i didnt believe him but i think that was true)#anyway!
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