#and like not only would i have to give up self harm id have to give up my ed too and like. THEYRE MY ONLY COPING MECHANISMS.

[krispiecake]

they want me to do GROUP dbt………

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

[ID: A priest in a confession booth looking shocked]

[icarusredwings]

would you recommend takin' over the asylum

Yes! And not only because of David but also the other charater's arcs are very intresting too!

It's on youtube for free and is only about 7 episodes.

TOTA discusses topics that were seen as very taboo at the time it was produced/written.

While we as mature veiwers can watch this and say "Okay yes there is misinformation" we have to remember that this was made before even going to a therapist was something people did regularly and openly admited it. If you went to a phycologist back then or even a therapist you were looked down opon.

This show shows and talks about things so subtly that you won't pick them up unless you've been there, OR you pay attention well. For example, one of the things with Campbell is that he is very "ego" driven, and Eddie has to learn how to balance him to keep him from toppling over and becoming manic. For example you'll see a lot of episodes Eddie will praise Bain and then scold him afterwards because in the begining episodes he gives Campbell too much praise/trust and it makes him have a break down because as I explain it to some "Once you get to the top of that cliff, you fall off"

At the very begining the viewer and Eddie are mislead to assume Campbell is a staffmember or a volunteer because of how open of arms he has, hes so eager to help and be useful, hes kind, and as eddie says "He dosn't *seem* looney?" And this is because he's very managable but his parents couldn't so sent him away.

Another reason I recommend it is the diversity of the acting and patiants. People often pin him as the silly side kick charater but Davids acting brings his story to a whole new level.

Campbell is also very energetic compared to most patients, and I think he's one of the youngest ones they have so he gets excited about things VERY quickly. He's jumping all over the place. Lil manic puppy. He always gets so happy to Eddie too, its very clear hes attached to him which (if you know) its very common for bipolar/ manic deapressivss to have that *one* person. This is what I mean by subtleness.

This show also includes topics such as (count this as a trigger warning too)

Giving up your boring job to follow your dreams (which was just ridiculous back then)

Immigration

Unfair justice system

Adhd

Ocd (id say her charater is most likely the worst portrayed but when you realize why it breaks your heart)

Abusive relationships

The taboo idea of dating a 'looney'

Quiting smoking for the better

Bipolar /Manic depressive disorder

Child loss

Self harm

Self ending

Grief

Mutism

Autism

Medical abuse of patiants/manipulation

Substance abuse

Different coping mechanisms

Homelessness

Another thing about this show I like is Eddie is very open to them, he treats them like people, he gets nervous and worried they wont enjoy his company even which means he cares enough about them to think their opinions matter whilst another worker states that they're loonies, no one cares what they want.

He takes care of Campbell a lot as well because- well.. He's a bit of trouble. A little scamp he is. But hes so cute tho. And YES David Tennant's accent IS in this one. It's SO much more thicker then say Crowley or the Doctor.

SPOILERS

Hell there's a woman who they claim is speaking in tounges but she's just speaking a foreign language in which Eddie only takes like 2 days to figure out because he had the nerve to LITSEN to her and try to see what she was saying instead of telling her to speak english and to take pills. The sad bit about this, though, is she becomes homeless because of getting kicked out of the mental hospital.

Yet another theme I like about this show is that A. The colors are just bright enough to keep attention but not get a head ache, B. Bain behaves exactly the way you would expect a teen experiancing issues would, happy, snappy, sad, overly confident all at once, in a blink. C. Eddie meets this woman with a mean dog and yet Eddie forgives this dog many times despite it tried to bite him.

The woman was older and was testing eddie to see if he's a good person or not, no matter how annoying she was to him, he treats her with upmost respect and kindness. She ends up paying him a lot to fix the windows, which gives him extra cash to spend on one of the girls he was intresting seeing as hes very respectful to her despite her depression and I want to almost guess Post Partum but I actually don't know,

ANYWAY He even takes her to see his grandparents and adopts kittens just for her because she loves kittens and some delinquents killed her other kittens.

In most stories, the doctor or patiant is odd and tries to manipulate the other into going out with them, but whenever she declines, he only nods and goes away. It doesn't feel forced either. It's very sweet.

Anyway YES. Please watch it like holy shit I don't have anyone to talk to about it!! The lady who wrote it was actually bummed it flopped because of how progressive it was but is happy its becoming popular now! Love you Donna Franceschild!

[scholar-of-yemdresh]

Hot take but the aggressive hardline separation of asexual and aromantic is actually EXTREMELY harmful to a lot of ace/aro people.

Angry rant under the cut

It's one to thing to go: "okay yes sometimes they go together but it's important to remember that for some people they can be different things and you can be one and not the other"

And go: "These are TOTALLY DIFFERENT 100 always separate there is no intersection EVER and if you DARE to be both then you have to piecemeal your identity to not uwu invalidate others(we do not care that we are invalidating you though lol) Don't you DARE ever experience them together you are CONFLATING"

It's like yall just want asexual to = alloromantic only and aromantic to = allosexual only.

You don't give a shit about aroaces, aces who aren't alloromantic but don't ID as aromantic or aros who aren't allosexual but don't ID as asexual.

The aspec community despises us. We get talked down to demanded to split our identities apart for your comfort. We can't exist in certain spaces because our presence there is a personal affront to allo-aspecs. Shout out to the alloaros that bitch about those disgusting aroaces just clogging up the aromantic tag ☺. Shout out to the alloaces who can still love and aren't totally heartless monsters 🥺.

Don't talk about ace shit in the aro tags, Don't talk about aro shit in the ace tags...what's that you're both? And can't neatly separate them and it brings you comfort to be able to discuss your whole orientation? SHUT THE FVCK UP YOU CONFLATING IGNORANT SHIT HEAD.

If you want to be in the aromantic community you have to leave your ace-ness at the door same for asexual community and disregarding your aromantism.

A personal example was an Aspec discord server I was in that had two media recs channels one for sex repulsed people and the other for romance repulsed. Now the issue came is that they didn't acknowledge someone could be both i.e both sex & romance repulsed/just looking for media that had neither sexual nor romantic content, what this lead too is that the romance free media channel was filled with graphic hookup erotica or sexually explicit songs and the sex free channel was just fade to black romance books 🙃...wonderful.

Or when polls/forms will ask you to pick your orientation but only things listed are het,gay,bi/pan yes even the ones made by aspecs, and what they actually mean is use the one that correlates to your romantic/sexual attraction...so fvck aroaces and non sam aces & aros?

And don't get me started on how you treat non sam aces & aros. You at least tolerate the self IDing aroaces, because they have the "curtesy" of separating themselves from the real proper aces & aros.(let's not question how many aroaces would prefer to just ID as just asexual or just aromantic but are forced into aroace identity because that would be "conflating" and they don't want to deal with the harassment).

"UwU don't say asexual when you actually mean aromantic" Some bitches don't use to SAM fvck off with allo-splaining my own sexuality to me.

It would be so much easier and save a lot of pain if yall just went : "asexual for some means no sexual attraction and it says nothing of your romantic attraction AND some people use it to mean no attraction generally". And "aromantic for some means no romantic attraction and it says nothing of your sexual attraction AND some people use it to mean no attraction generally" and "for some they are separated but others not so much as there isn't always a strict separation. Just be chill about it don't accuse people of being ignorant or conflating they know their identities better than you". But no ya chose violent aphobia instead.

But ultimately nobody cares because this shit is only harming the undesirable aces/aros the ones who are harmful stereotypes the ones that make you "look bad".

I know deep in my heart there are a lot of alloaces & alloaros that who would be happy if aroaces & non sam aces/aros didn't exist, there I said it. How can I not come to that conclusion when at every turn they shit on us. They talk about how the worst thing in the world is to be mistaken for one of us. That our representation is actively harmful.

A last parting spicy take it's either "asexulity and aromantism are full identities on their own and aren't modifiers" OR "actually neither asexual nor aromantic can stand on their own they need to be paired with another orientation and they actually are just modifiers" you can't have it both ways. 🤭

[twistedastrology]

you cannot run a subreddit like a fucking dictatorship.

----------------------------------------------------------

im pissed as hell rn so im gonna bitch abt this real quick bc im a gemini and bitching is my specialty- and i cant do a workout yet so 😵‍💫

recently I've been very active in the r/astrology subreddit, primarily answering people's questions bc it's my favorite thing to do

I answered one person's question about the difference between the ascendant, chiron and north node, i was incredibly happy to answer bc i love helping people, especially with "easier" questions like that- (i use quotes to be respectful bc i am of the belief that no question is a stupid question)

i will give the mods one thing, they DID have a rule about self promotion even if the thing you're promoting is free- that one was my bad (i offered to look at someone's chart) and i will (and did) own up to it.

the one i will NOT own up to is the one that was not written in the fucking rules goddamn anywhere.

for reference, this was my comment that they took out back and shot:

just from this shit alone i was fucking pissed off because no goddamn way you're gonna sit here and tell me "degree theory has absolutely no basis" DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF ASTROLOGY AS A WHOLE IS JUST THEORIES AND INTERPRETATION.

there's a reason astrology and astronomy are separate. one is based off of actual, provable mathematical equations, and the other is INTERPRETATION.

i replied, and then they did too:

"we caJT pUt eVery PoSsIblE tHiNg iN tHe RulEs" YOU HAVE 6 FUCKINH RULES. YOU CAN ADD ONE ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE SO PISSY ABOUT IT. what are you allergic to the number SEVEN???? is it because it's a LIBRA DEGREE? $! #?? #? #

and the fucking "and I'd encourage you to study them" id encourage you to study my fucking ass while i fart in your face motherfucker u wanna find out how korn got their fucking band name? $! #? #? #? #?

you dont believe in degree theory??? Fun fact: your north node of destiny is in 26° MY ASS and your mercury is in 3° BULLSHIT- and your ass and my foot are in a 0° orbit conjunction 🥳🥳🥳

motherfucker degree theory is a T H E O R Y. you can't just remove someone's fucking comment yapping about it because you think it has no "basis in real astrology"- way to promote critical thinking, asshole!!!!!! you would burn the library of alexandria if you didn't agree with one fucking book in it.

this is why i was kind of afraid to go on reddit because people are so high and mighty with their astrology there that they are just about allergic to any other interpretations- and the r/astrology subreddit, at least some of the mods, seem to be exactly like that

like im sorry but my mercury in an aries degree of gemini makes perfect fucking sense to me- and the only other thing i have in aries is my venus which ISNT EVEN IN ORBIT TO MAKE A SEXTILE!!!! and these people definitely dont believe in cranking the orbits so i cant even say that 😒

not to mention dodecatemoria and decans are Technically degree theory- not in the sense of 1 degree = aries, but in the sense of "section of degrees = sign", especially dodecatemoria which is literally 0 - 29° of any sign

here's a chart in case anyone's interested:

dodecatemoria is also literally BABYLONIAN. that shit is OLD. granted egyptian decans and such are older, but that's still DECANS. AND DE GR E E S.

im not coming for everyone on the subreddit as a whole, just whoever appointed this dumbass fucking rule- why have an astrology subreddit when you can't even talk about certain astrology topics. fucking shit yourself loser i hope you burn.

to the people that dont know me that well btw i am not actually actively wishing harm on anyone- i just get very dramatic when im pissy 😒 anyway ill probably do a post on how i use degree theory soon in spite of this so keep an eye out!!! 🥳🥳

[cy-cyborg]

Writing Disability: Let us Love like everyone else

[ID: An illustrated picture of a red rose on a pink background. To the left of the rose is white text that reads "Writing Disability: Let us Love like everyone else. /End ID]

Romance is one of the top-selling genres in the world across mediums, and pretty much every movie, TV show, book and game has at least one romance sub-plot. You don’t need to look far to find it. However, when it comes to disabled characters, a lot of creators shy away from giving us romantic plot lines or even hesitate to address the topic of disability and attraction being present in the same character at all. So, since it’s Valentine’s day, I thought now would be the perfect time to discuss it.

It can be easy to miss if you aren't paying attention, but a surprising number of stories in various mediums will pair up most if not all of their main cast of characters by the end of the plot… with the exception of the disabled characters. whether they be explicitly stated to be disabled or just coded as such, disabled characters are more frequently left out of relationships by the story's end. Sometimes, the disabled character will be completely disinterested or the subject is just never addressed, such as with Toph from Avatar the Last Airbender. Toph is implied to have had multiple relationships by the time of the sequel series, but unlike the rest of the original gang, we never see it on screen, so I personally think it doesn't count for reasons I'll get into in a moment. Alternatively, the disabled character will show interest in someone, but their affection is just not reciprocated, such as in Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame. Disney's Hunchback is a particularly noteworthy example since it's one of the only theatrical Disney movies where the main character has a clearly stated love interest, but doesn't end up with them by the end.

ID: an screenshot of the hunchback of notre dame showing Quasiemodo, a man with a hunchback and facial differences swinging and singing on at spire at the top of the notre dame cathedral. /End ID

In the latter case, where the disabled character’s love is not reciprocated, these stories will often focus on the importance of self-discovery and self-love. An important message to be sure, but the fact that these “you don’t need a partner as long as you love yourself” stories very often centre disabled characters is frustrating, to say the least (If the character isn’t disabled, they’re often deemed “undesirable" for other reasons, such as being fat, but that’s a topic for another day).

Of course, the reason the character doesn’t end up with their love interest doesn't have to be because of their disability specifically. Even if they were turned down for other reasons, it can still contribute to the stereotype that disabled people can’t find love even when they want to, just aren’t desirable as partners (a sentiment that is especially commonly directed at visibly disabled people) and contributes to the overall lack of representation of disabled relationships.

In the other case I mentioned before, where a disabled character is just not interested in romance, can look different depending on the kind of disability the character has, but in my experience, it often comes from the same place: discomfort. This isn't necessarily a conscious thought or decision on the creator’s end, mind you, but just because it's not intentional, doesn't mean it's not doing harm, even if it’s subconsciously.

A lot of the time, many creators don't even consider giving their disabled characters a love interest. the thought never even occurs to them. I can't pretend to know why for sure, but if I had to take a guess, its because the idea of disability and romance just don't go together in most people's eyes, so the thought never even crosses these creator's minds. But why? it comes back to that discomfort.

When we are talking about physical disabilities and those effecting the body but not the brain, the discomfort can come from a few places. First is the discomfort with disabled and visibly different bodies and how they work as a whole. I've spoken about this in the past, but just the idea of disability alone often makes non-disabled people deeply uncomfortable, and when it comes to visible disabilities, they are often forced to confront that, something that a lot of people are resistant to. they don't like thinking about it, and while many non-disabled creators have dealt with this discomfort enough to include us in their stories, they haven't deconstructed it enough to include us having things like romantic relationships.

This is why, despite the fact that Toph has children in The Legend of Korra, I’m still using her as an example. We see the other main character’s relationships and partners in the original show and in The Legend of Korra directly, but never hers. The most we ever hear of Toph’s love life is that Sue and Lin, her daughters, have different fathers. While the mention was good, when looking at this through the lens of “people are uncomfortable with disabled people being in relationships” you can see how the openly disabled character’s relationships only ever happening off screen and occasionally mentioned might still be an issue, even if that wasn’t the creator’s intent.

ID: A screenshot of the legend of Korra showing Toph, a middle-aged woman with black hair and metal armour, lecturing her two daughters. /End ID

this disparity becomes particularly noticeable, however, in media aimed at an older audience where romantic relationships often mean sex. When the relationship is expected to be sexual in nature, an extra layer of discomfort often appears. A lot of people just quite simply don't understand how sex works when you have a physical disability, and are extremely uncomfortable simply looking it up (there are educational resources out there on the subject, and even disability content creators who focus on educating people about sex and disability, I’m not talking about looking up porn). Often times, they just avoid it by simply not giving their disabled characters relationships of any kind to avoid having to address those questions.

There is also the fact that many people infantilise those with disabilities and associate us with children. This is more common when it comes to non-physical disabilities, such as those under the neurodivergent umbrella (which refers to any disability that primarily impacts the brain) and I'll talk about that in a moment, but it does happen with physical disabilities too, most notably with little people and disabilities that impact someone’s height or physical development. Often, for those of us with physical disabilities, the infantilization comes from people either directly associating us with children because of our appearance, or feeling as though we need to be protected like children.

When talking about disabled people in relationships, this might look like someone being hesitant to pair a disabled character up with someone without a disability because they “can’t protect themselves” if the relationship goes bad. This isn’t something I’ve seen stated directly much in media, mind you, but it is a response I’ve gotten from a surprising number of people in real life when I’ve asked why they don’t like the idea of “people like me” (meaning amputees and wheelchair users) dating. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the reason some authors and creatives avoid inter-abled relationships in their works based on how often I got that comment when I started dating; they are concerned about the power imbalance. but this mindset is based on both infantilization and the stereotype that physically disabled people are always inherently weaker. If you’re not always worried about how non-disabled characters would protect themselves in a relationship, why are you only worried it when one of the characters is disabled?

However, like I mentioned before, the disabled character being simply uninterested in romance or sex isn't unique to visibly and physically disabled people. It’s is so common with neurodivergent folks, in fact that it’s become a bunch of tropes all of their own, with the most common variant being where specifically autistic or autistic-coded characters will often be the only aromatic or asexual people in a story’s cast.

For those unfamiliar with the terms, aromatic people are those who experience little to no romantic attraction, or those who experience it differently to most, while asexual people are those who experience little to no sexual attraction (or, again, experience it differently to most). It’s a bit more complex than that, and both terms exist on a spectrum, but in order not to get too side-tracked, I’ll leave it there. I‘d highly, highly recommend Jaiden Animation’s video on the subject though if you want to learn more in a beginner-friendly way.

There’s this idea that a lot of non-disabled people get about neurodivergent folks, especially those with developmental or intellectual disabilities, that we are these sweet little innocent beans who don’t want to or simply can’t engage with “adult” things. In most cases though, this isn’t the true. For some folks, including many creators, this is once again an unconscious bias and is the result of them simply not thinking about or deconstructing their ideas around different kinds of disabilities. In these cases, the idea usually stems from the fact that there are some (keyword some) disabilities under this category that do impact someone’s ability to engage with things like sex and romantic relationships, and most people not overly familiar with the disability community just don’t know enough to understand that just because some people under this category can’t or don’t want to engage, doesn’t mean we all can’t.

Unfortunately though, when this is pointed out to a lot of people, instead of adjusting their viewpoint or seeking more information, they get severally uncomfortable about the idea, even going so far as calling someone who is dating someone with a developmental or intellectual disability as “creepy” because they, once again, associate people with these kinds of disabilities with children. Since children can’t consent, neither can we. This is, once again, infantilization, but much more directly.

While I haven’t seen the full episode (or much of the show as a whole), so I don’t really want to comment on weather it handled the subject well, I do at least appreciate that the show Glee calls this line of thinking out when one of the characters, Becky, who has down’s syndrome, begins dating someone without a disability. The parts of the episode I have seen shows several characters around Becky expressing concern, but their bias is called out by the end of the episode. What I have seen of Glee was during a particularly long stay in hospital while being given pretty strong medication so my memory of it is spotty (not to mention everything was out of order) so like I said, I can’t comment on weather or not it was good per say, but I do remember the discussion this episode sparked in my high school with students and teachers alike, and I remember it being the starting point for some important conversations with people.

As I said, there are some disabilities under the neurodivergent umbrella that might prevent a character from engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship. some. however, it's incredibly important to remember that a lot of these kinds of disabilities exist on a spectrum of support needs, and if the character in question's disability would be preventing them from doing so, they would typically be on the very severe ends of those spectrums and have very substantial support needs in other areas of life too. The vast majority of neurodivergent characters in media don't fall into this category. If you are writing someone who has these higher support needs (and please do, we need more characters like that!), be sure to do your research and double check your assumptions about their capability to engage though. Ensure it's actually reflective of their disability and isn't just based on stereotypes and misinformation. And don't forget, if you’re ever unsure, you can always check with a sensitivity reader or disability consultant.

Even in cases where a disabled character does get into a relationship, one of a few things frequently happen that I think authors might want to be mindful to avoid - or at least approach with caution.

The first is that the disabled character, despite being in a relationship, will be completely disinterested in sex (or any part of a physical relationship, such as kissing, if the content is aimed at a younger audience), often being implied or directly stated to be asexual. The first example of this that springs to mind for me is Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. While Sheldon is never confirmed as autistic within the show, he displays many autistic traits throughout both the original show (albeit in a stereotypical way that’s played mostly for laughs) and in the spin-off, Young Sheldon. When Sheldon does eventually get into a relationship though and even gets married, he is shown to be very, very reluctant and overall disinterested in sex.

ID: A screenshot from Big Bang Theory of Amy and Sheldon sitting on a couch, where Amy looks annoyed towards someone off camera, while sheldon looks at her, confused. /End ID

So what’s the problem with this? in a vacuum, nothing. Some people don’t care for sex and don’t experience sexual attraction, and it’s fine to show that - we need more ace representation! I myself am disabled (an amputee and autistic) and asexual, shouldn’t I be glad to see characters like me?

Well, the issue isn’t that this is unrealistic, but rather overplayed and often contains a lot of misinformation about both asexual people and disabled folks.

My disabilities have nothing to do with my asexuality - which remember just means someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction; it has nothing to do with weather or not someone enjoys sex. However whenever asexuality and disability are paired together in the same character, it’s almost always because of the character’s disability. As in, the person in the wheelchair is ace because they can’t feel anything down there so they stopped feeling attracted to people (which is not even close to how that works, but is a real example I’ve seen on a few occasions now) or the autistic person is just too invested in telling you about trains, science, superhero’s or whatever their special interest is, to be worried about sex.

The other issue is, like I said, there’s a lot of examples of disabled ace characters already, and considering how poorly most are handled, many disabled people and asexual people alike are just tired of seeing it. Honestly, until both disability and ace representation and understanding as a whole, improve independently, it’s a combination of identities I’d recommend avoiding in your work, at least for now.

Finally, when a disabled character does enter a relationship, sexual or not, a very common dynamic is that the character will often get very insecure and scared that the person they’re dating doesn’t actually like them, or worries that the other person is settling for them, often resulting in their partner reassuring them that they love them, "despite their disability." A recent example of this can be seen in the web series Helluva boss between the character Fizzarolli, an imp who is a quadrilateral amputee with broken horns and facial scarring, and his boyfriend Asmodeus. While Fizzarolli’s insecurities are primarily focused on living up to impossible standards for success, he shouts during a panic attack that he believes that Asmodeus will leave him if he isn't successful, stating that without it, "this is who I am" - ripping off his hat to show his broken horns and scars (something we are told that he acquired in the same accident he lost his limbs in).

ID: A screenshot of Helluva Boss showing Fizzarolli, a cartoon imp in a clown outfit, patchy makeup and broken horns, anxiously holding his jester's cap in his hands. Behind him, Asmodeus, a large blue, feathery demon in a striped suit, looks on, concerned. /End ID

My problem with scenarios like these is once again, not that it’s unrealistic, but that it shows up constantly. The intention with these kinds of scenes is often to assure the character and by extension, disabled readers or viewers, that they are in fact deserving of love. That just because they’re disabled, doesn’t mean they’ll never find anyone. Once again, it's a good message, however, because of how prevalent this exact scene is, it can actually have the opposite effect.

Let’s step back from disability for a moment: If you see dozens and dozens of people with a feature you have, saying they are insecure about that same feature in almost all of of the shows you watch, the books you read, the games you play where characters with this feature appear, even if you aren’t insecure about it yourself, seeing over and over again that others are, it’s natural that it would start to make you doubt or wonder if you should be. Doubly so if that very insecurity prompts these big, often explosive and emotional scenes.

This was the case for me as a kid, I never really cared much about my disability outside of being annoyed that people stared at me, but as I got older, and I saw more and more characters in the media I consumed saying they were certain no one could love someone like them - someone like me - I became more and more worried. The messages that were supposed to be reassurances, instead told me over and over that the people these characters ”found” were the exception, not the rule, and that most people would, in fact, care that I was disabled and not want to date me. When all my friends began dating and getting into relationships, I began to worry that I would never find “my exception to the rule” and be alone forever.

I didn’t really get over that mindset until well into my 20’s, well into my current relationship with my now fiancé, and I know I wasn’t alone in these concerns. I used to work with teenage amputees, and this was a very, very common fear across all genders and sexualities. I still see it in forums and social media groups whenever newly disabled people join, it’s one of the more common fears brought up, and while I get that scenes like these are meant to reflect this reality and help, more often than not, they’re doing the opposite.

For once, I would love to see a disabled character get into a relationship, and for there not to be any mention of “are you sure?” “How could you ever love someone like me?” “I’m worried you don’t actually find me attractive” etc. These conversations are realistic, yes, but we see them so often that I just really wish I could see more examples of stories where the validity of the disabled character’s relationship is never questioned and is never a concern. It just is.

Of course, as with most of the subjects I’ve talked about before, many of these points are less of a concern if you have multiple disabled characters. If you only have one disabled character and have their love interest reject them, it can perpetuate these stereotypes about disabled people being unable to find love, but if you have another character who is successful in that reguard? Well, it’s much less of a concern. The same goes for if one of your disabled characters is asexual or aromantic, but there’s another disabled character who isn’t, or if one disabled character is insecure about their disability in their relationship, but another isn’t.

Of course, be mindful not to go too far in the other direction either. A lot of people are pretty shocked to learn that disability fetishization is also a thing, and while you shouldn’t shy away from showing disabled characters in sexual relationships just because they’re disabled, it is something you need to be mindful of if your story contains more explicit content. As a general rule of thumb, sowing your disabled characters engaging in the same kinds of relationships, romantic and sexual (including casual hook-ups and one-night-stands) is great, so long as it a) fits the character and the story, and b) is actually inline with how you’re treating those topics with the non-disabled characters.

Personally, I don’t really feel like I’m the best person to advise on where exactly that line between just showing disabled people in sexual relationships/situations and fetishisation is, though the general advice I’ve heard is to ask yourself if the focus is on the disability, or if the person just happens to be disabled. On that same note, I’m also not really comfortable explaining details of how sex works when you’re disabled. If you want to know about either of these topics, there are a plethora of disability content creators who focus specifically on those subjects.

To sum this all up though, disabled adults are, well, adults, so don’t be afraid to treat us as such. Show us in relationships where the non-disabled partner’s affection isn’t a matter of debate or insecurity, show us being intimate and having sex (if that’s something you were doing with your non-disabled characters), let us be confident in those relationships, the same as everyone else, and most importantly, remember that a disability doesn’t automatically mean someone just won’t be interested in us, or we won’t be interested in them.

[aftgficrec]

Hii! I'm so glad i caught you guys, youre doing gods work over here. I've been wanting something similar to blame it on my youth and way down we go . Something long and addicting and eventually wholesome, preferably something where Aaron is kinda jealous of Neil. I love the soulmate idea. Thanks so much <3

You’ve got a mix of things in your ask, so I’m giving you long andeil fics with happy ending + Aaron angst that are post canon like ‘Blame it On My Youth’ (here), pre-canon canon divergent like ‘Way Down We Go’ (here), soulmates, and some other aus. -A

previous recs:

long fics like BIOMY here

‘Guardian Angel’ series here

‘on the tip of my tongue (say something)’ series here (completed)

‘progress comes in small steps’ series here

‘we were together’ series here

‘This Complicated Life’ and ‘In My Defense, I Have None’ here

you may also like:

Neil & Aaron: quests, situations, friendship & slash here

post canon:

Trust Fall (And Welcoming Arms) by SpangleBangle [Rated E, 84557 Words, Complete, 2017]

Life goes on after the Foxes win the championship, and for Andrew and Neil it's uncharted territory with only each other for guides. Maybe it's time to put away some of those hard edges, and learn how to touch more softly, and speak more honestly. And if they falter, they have their family to help them get back on their feet.

tw: scars, tw: homophobia, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: discussions of self harm, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders, tw: depression, tw: dissociation, tw: flashbacks, tw: violence, tw: implied/referenced drug abuse, tw: explicit sexual content

pre-canon canon divergent:

Oakland by AgentCoop [Rated M, 105947 Words, Complete, 2023]

When Neil Josten gets arrested for a fake ID and thrown into the Juvenile Detention System, he knows that he's running on borrowed time before his father's men catch up. His mother is dead, there's nowhere to run, there's nothing left at all but an Exy court at the Oakland County Detention Center that he has to earn the right to play on through good behavior. And Neil's never been great at obeying rules. -- An Andriel AU where the boys meet as teens in Juvie.

tw: violence, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: nightmares, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

Lifeline by pandaseek [Rated T, 269357 Words, Incomplete, Updated April 2023]

"What is your name." He wouldn't care usually, but the way this kid had avoided it last time he asked, he was curious. "I've had six so far." He answers slowly, weighing each word. "Which one do you want?" Six names? Yep, there is something going on there.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

NB: fanart for this fic by Super_Yellow on AO3 here

soulmates:

i once believed love would be black and white by acidmeringue [Rated E, 26708 Words, Complete, 2023]

Andrew does not believe in soulmates. Nicky has a soulmate. His twin Aaron has a soulmate too, but Andrew doesn't let them speak. Everyone around him has a soulmate. They can all see in color. He can't. He doesn't believe in soulmates, doesn't believe in love at all. When enough people tell you what love should look like, when you're told enough times that you should be able to see in color but you can't, you start to believe that you don't have a soulmate after all. And that's okay. At least, it was, until Andrew makes eye contact with a stranger at Eden's and the world comes to a screeching halt. ~ Soulmate au where you can't see in color until you lock eyes with your soulmate. Additionally, if your soulmate dies, your vision goes back to monochrome.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

The Real Thing by nekojita [Rated M, 34125 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew was more than willing to turn down the Ravens' offer to be their newest goalie, unwilling to play five more years of Exy - let alone for someone with a too-sharp smile and a manic gleam in their eyes. That was, until he realized that a member of their Perfect Court was his soulmate. (That was, until Riko Moriyama realized that Nathaniel Wesninski, the Ravens' #3 in waiting, was Andrew's soulmate.) Andrew always knew that Fate loved tormenting him, he didn't need a reminder yet again via a too-attractive soulmate who appeared to loathe him. Yet things aren't always what they seem, especially in the Nest.

tw: attempted rape/noncon, tw: abuse, tw: violence, tw: blood, tw: alcohol, tw: medication withdrawal

other aus:

If I Knew You by AceSirenSinger [Rated T, 43145 Words, Complete, 2024]

Neil is imprisoned at sixteen years old for being the Butcher of Baltimore. Andrew obsesses, and Aaron obsesses because Andrew does, and everything goes wrong and raw and painful. Feat. the twinyards breaking each other’s hearts, and a decent amount of shade on the American justice system.

tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: recreational drug use, tw: implied/referenced violence, tw: implied/referenced torture

Shut Up and Dance (With Me) by OfficialStarsandGutters [Rated E, 168160 Words, Complete, 2021]

Dance AU. - Neil Josten just wants to dance, but being on the run leaves little time for frivolous hobbies. He has no idea what one night of risk will lead to when he first steps into Eden’s Twilight. Andrew Minyard dances alone. Everyone knows this. Until a wide eyed, desperate rabbit of a boy stumbles into his path, and he breaks his self imposed rule.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: torture, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: anxiety, tw: depression, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced drug abuse, tw: explicit sexual content, tw: implied/referenced eating disorder, tw: vomit, tw: graphic injuries, tw: nonconsensual drug use

[loonyoz]

Part of what I love about Wyll is how he feels like a character you have to keep pulling back the layers on. Like one of those 3d puzzles you think you’ve got figured out and then you realize you’re right back where you started. Which I guess is just the long way of saying he's a well made character. I’m gonna do a play by play of my first interactions with him to illustrate my point:

When you first meet him you’re like omfg who is this boy with the dramatic theater kid entrance lmao. Wyll, you are so dorky (affectionate).

You next see him helping tiefling kids learn to fight. Not in a harsh militaristic way, more in a gentle and even playful way (eg. When you play as Wyll you can tell them dramatic stories about how Wyll slayed a dragon.) You're like oh yeah this guy has the whole hero thing going on. Very disney prince over here.

Then you talk to him and he talks about an evil devil that must be killed with such adamance and determination. You're like oh wow he can get pretty intense. He's so determined about this, he's willing to put aside the pressing threat of ceremorphosis. This kind of unmoving moral stance, this very good and serious abt it thing, it gives off paladin vibes imo

Ok so thats two sides of him, dramatic storybook hero and strong willed paladin.

Then you get to the confrontation with Karlach, and pretty quickly realize this flaming hot cheeto (idk why I called her that ok, but im leaving it in) of a tiefling shouldn't be killed. Wyll takes some convincing and you're like Wyll you dumbass you're seeing what Im seeing right? The tadpole is showing us she's innocent, why dont you believe that?

Then its only till later you realize he had so many good reasons to hesitate:

He has been doing this job for 7 years now, to break off from the script he's used to, is a risky thing. If he cant trust his 7 years of experience he's left floundering. If he cant trust that he's been only killing evil, then he's broken his moral code too. (If I were in his shoes id for sure be having an existential crisis)

He's learned the hard way to distrust devils, what if Karlach is tricking everyone into thinking she's innocent?

Or maybe he's scared of what it will mean if he doesn't kill her, he'll be breaking his pact, and the consequences for that will most definitely be harsh. I don't think that's selfish or cruel of him to consider killing her out of fear of what will happen if he doesn't. I think Wyll would be unfair to himself for those thoughts tho. Like the whole airplane oxygen mask analogy is a good way to talk about it. Wyll would go to every passenger on the plane and make sure their masks are on, then collapse from oxygen deprivation because he never put his own on. Perhaps an extreme and unrealistic scenario, but illustrative of his admirable but harmful self sacrifice.

In summary, his hesitation and need to be convinced shows a lovely amalgamation of his character, his life experience, and his values, and how it results in a moment of conflict and indecision.

But it takes very little to convince him not to kill karlach. You tell him twice that Karlach is no threat/innocent, and he stops panicking, and pulls himself together with the kind of emotional control/repression that makes you go "uh oh babes has unresolved trauma and needs therapy"

His ability to listen to others when people tell him he's wrong shows that he has a flexibility and emotional maturity that is unlike the stereotypical paladin. Once he realizes Karlach is innocent, the rules he follows no longer matter to him.

He resigns himself to his fate because for him there is no other way for it to be. This shows that no matter how theatrical his heroics appear, it is not merely a guise. You can trust that he truly cares for people because he is willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of a stranger.

Then Mizora shows up and his response is to argue against her, to say, "you told me no innocents". Which shows once again where his priorities lie, now that injustice has been pointed out to him he will use every ounce of his will to fight it. It also shows that human weakness again too. His fallibility (I mean who can blame him devils are great manipulators) and his worried questioning of the rules that he has followed for so long.

And then when you put all the drama aside, and listen to his lighthearted dialogue you remember/realize he’s also very goofy and the kind of chill guy you’d want to invite to every friend hangout.

asfgjkl; anyway I have way too many thoughts and feelings abt this guy. If you read all this damn. But lmk what you guys think about my reflections!

Also shoutout to all of the fic writers and random fan posts ive read that have inspired some of these thoughts

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Monday all :) Just realized we are over halfway done with s4. Crazy ha Naturally after an intense Chenford ep we have the next one be little lighter. Sadly they are missing 90 percent of this episode so it'll be a shorter one. But there is good moments of growth and such. Let’s get going.

4x13 Fight or Flight

Lucy is attached to Nolan’s helicopter kid situation. Which robs us of any Chenford in this episode. Thanks a lot Nolan…I could tell that kid was suspect af in the elevator and I’m not even a cop. John asks for Lucy to ride with him so he can get into this kids mind. It is awesome she is sought after for her psychological experience. We all know Nolan isn’t going to be able to do that…

We get a little crumb at the beginning of the episode. Tim was clearly waiting for her. I love how he instantly supports her. Doesn’t question why she’s helping or upset she is doing that instead of them riding together. Only that if she needs anything he is there for her. Little moments make my heart happy. So I shall take them in lighter eps.

We do get some good Tim and Angela moments which I will always be happy to enjoy. Tim runs into her and she tells him she has an old ‘friend’ of his in for questioning. He was pulled over and had a diamond bracelet in his car. It’s tied him to a home invasion that left 3 people dead. I do love getting a look into Tim’s work past and former arrests. Which ones are hang ups for him and such. She asks him if he’d like in on the interrogation?

Tim of course jumps right on it. Once he’s in the box Dez is deny deny deny about the bracelet. Saying he got it for his mother and lost the receipt. Ok buddy... Noting he was working the night the home invasion occurred. That his boss would confirm that for him. Watching Tim take charge in the interrogation is *fans self* Not to mention the bicep and forearm shots in this. Killing me softly sir.

Besides him looking fine af just sitting there I always enjoy watching him take charge in any capacity. .i.e. this moment. Why I love Metro Tim so much. It's sexy the way he walks over and commands his attention. Tries to connect with this guy. Knowing they have a past trying to use it to their advantage. Also him using words like recidivism getting me all hot and bothered. Idk why it just is LOL Anyways lets get back on track....Tim tells Dez he knows he wouldn’t have killed anyone. But they need his help to catch the people who did harm that family. They just need a name. He gives them the name of his lawyer instead. Wah wah

Seeing Lucy with Nolan it’s hard to believe they were ever matched up. Boggles the mind really. Just in how they’re approaching this situation alone. Lucy gets an ID for this kid from dispatch. His name is Leo Thomas. He's just a teenager. Nolan mentioning well adjusted kid’s don’t steal police helicopters. Lucy going on to say could just be teenager attention-seeking behavior. Trying to standout and establish their identity.

How it’s gotten so much worse with social media. She isn't wrong. I can only imagine. Its way more than when I was a teenager. Not to date myself but I only had myspace and facebook for most part and I didn't even use FB till like 2008 honestly. Oh and instagram. I think lol My point is as a millennial we didn't have the amount of platforms that are around now. It's insane. I can't imagine trying to establish an identity on them.

So Lucy saying social media having an impact on behavior is accurate. I believe that. It’s funny how John asked for Lucy to tag along and to get in the kids head. Then when she does he fights her on it a little. *eye roll* Also why am I not surprised he was a boring teenager? LMAO This doesn’t shock Lucy either. Him questioning her being a rebel. With the parents she had growing up? I have no doubt she was. You don’t know her like that John and it shows…

Nolan tries to connect with Leo now that he knows his name. John doing a big swing and a miss with him right off the bat. Trying to connect over now his family is sick with worry. Goes over like a lead ballon. He gets back on track with him though. Asking about learning to fly through video games? How impressive that is. Nolan starts to get some traction with the video game bonding. Leo begins to open up saying usually in a game how the main character survives through allies.

He asks John if he’s an ally? Lucy nodding her head fervently. Unreal how he needed to turn to Lucy for that answer. Do love her directing this whole thing though. What a downgrade from Tim eh Lucy? heh. Leo tells them they need to go on some quests first. Then they can talk about him landing this helicopter. John is skeptical to say the least.

Its why Nolan keeps biffing it with this kid. Honestly it’s a wonder he got put on this kid at all. Good thing Lucy is there to steer the ship. I love love love her being the leader on this. Look at our bad ass. Questioning his decision making skills and backing it with rock solid logic. Also sound psychology. You know the whole reason he brought her in the first place......

Nolan may have a good connection with people but he doesn’t have the logic and emotional intelligence Lucy does. John is ready to throw in the towel but Lucy isn’t. She crushes it with some damn good logic. Explaining why he should give into this kid and what he wants. It’s like he completely forgotten why he was assigned this kid in the first place. To build rapport and get him down on the ground. Good thing Lucy is there or this would be going so much worse.

He sends them on their first quest. To what looks like drug den. Saying he lost a raven haired girl he used to like from there from an OD. He couldn't save her but they can at least take down the monsters who caused her death. We find shortly after that was a lie. Since he has been home schooled for the last year. Nolan tries to get him to come down after one quest. Of course he doesn’t. It’s like John hasn’t caught on to the game here lol They ask for their next quest and he asks if they like alligators? HA

We return to Tim back at the station. He’s called in Dez’s boss to verify his ‘alibi’. At first he’s corroborating it until Tim says he’s suspected of triple murder. Tim dismantling Dez's alibi within minutes of meeting this man. I love it so much. His boss immediately amends his statement and says he paid him off. To clock him in and let him go and he did the same thing for tonight as well. Tim reports this back to Angela ASAP. That they don’t have time to wait for his lawyer. They have something far more pressing. Another target to locate. If they don’t figure out where that is more bodies are going to drop.

Lucy and Nolan are on their second quest. This part cracks me up. Dude they’re arresting is defending his alligator. Saying Cupcake is a sweetheart. Lucy’s reply cracks me up ‘Cupcake ate my taser’ LMFAO. His attachment to this creature is intense to say the least. The good thing about this second quest is there is a pattern though. Both quests have involved big drug arrests. Nolan tries to press the kid for it and nada. He continues on to tell them they’re going to have their final quest soon enough.

Tim shows up at Dez’s house mid-search. He instantly goes into sexy Sergeant mode. Asking Webb what they’re found so far? It would appear nothing at the moment. So Tim takes over the scene. I love watching him in action. So confident and sure of himself. While teaching in the process. Yum Yum. Sexy teacher Tim is in the house.

Just takes control of this search and makes it more efficient. He's so good at his job. Also he is growing as a Sergeant. Took control without fully taking control and doing it himself. He delegated his team to re-work their search pattern. Look at him go. So proud of him. Growing as a leader makes my heart happy to see.

We circle back to helicopter kid. They are slowly putting the pieces of the puzzle together. The guy they just arrested works with his mom’s BF. He's a known associate of his. It would appear they have a drug distribution chain going on. That one of the dealers they sell to was arrested and had to do with quest number one.

Lucy jumps in with her POV. This is why Nolan brought her along. Love watching her flex her psych brain. That muscle innate in her as she analyzes this situation. We finally find out why Leo took the helicopter. That quest #3 is to save his mother from her drug dealer BF. The problem is they don’t have any evidence linking this guy to what they’ve found today and he only has 40 minutes of fuel left…

We jump back to the house with Tim and his team. They still haven’t found anything linking Dez to the 2-11. Tim has an epiphany and calls in a bomb sniffing dog. Explaining that they look for ingredients for a bomb or gunpowder from an illegal firearm. That's what they need to implicate Dez. I will also take Tim Bradford talking to a dog all day long. Ovary explosion for me. *fans self* The way he roasts this dog for getting distracted by a squirrel LOL I’m dying I love this man so very much.

Thor eventually finds exactly what they’re looking for. Pawing at a spot Tim is able to crack open and find the evidence they need. Look at him listening to all past advice Grey gave. Not showing up to a scene early. When he does he delegates and doesn’t take over completely. While still teaching in the process of that delegating. He would be proud. Lucy too if she could see this.

Grey is able to get Murray to flip on Brian. Using cupcake Lmao it’s hilarious. Wants to make sure she’s taken care since she ate Lucy's taser. So he rolls on his partners including Brian. All for his alligator's well being it's too damn funny. Grey is delighted that’s all it took. Nolan and Lucy are able to complete quest number 3. They have him fly over his house so he can see them arresting Bryan. Telling him it is finally time to land that helicopter. He agrees and says he’s been air sick for hours ha They arrest him once he’s landed. Lucy looks so sad about it but they really don’t have a choice in the matter.

Tim returns to Angela with the evidence they needs against Dez. He flips once Tim has hard evidence against him. Gives them every job, every crew member and what they’re going to hit tonight. They catch up to the getaway driver fairly easily. It is fun to watch this bad ass duo work together. Question him easily about the men inside and what they’re walking into. Tells them three men are inside the house not including himself.

They find out 2 of the 3 are upstairs looting. While the third is hovering over the family with a gun. Angela doesn’t want to go in hot with this third guy. Worried he’ll hurt the family in retaliation. Tim tells her then they go in a different way. A way I very much approve of. Why you ask? We get Tim Bradford in a TIGHT white t-shirt. Pretending to be a delivery guy. Mmmm just look how taut that shirt is across his muscled chest.

Sweet baby James this man is fit. Could wash clothes on those washboard abs of his. Don’t get me started on the gun show that is his biceps. Popping out of those sleeves. We also get some nice forearm action as well in these shots. Nothing for me to analyze except his beautiful form in these gifs. Imma need some ice water. This man does things to me. *ahem* Let's get back to the story at hand...

Tim knocks on the door. Angela has the getaway drivers phone. So she texts the gun happy third guy it’s just food delivery. This gets him close to the door where they want him. Once he’s close enough they push through a flash bang grenade. Taking him out pretty quickly. Then we get to watch some poetry in motion.

Tim and Angela moving like badasses to secure the house. Just a couple besties taking down criminals like it’s nothing. These are some great shots of these two. I would like more Angela/Tim shots in s6. Just add that to my s6 wishlist haha Metro and the detectives working together be fun to watch. If I can’t have Chenford I’ll take Tim/Angela moments.

We started with a crumb and we get to end with a crumb. I love Tim being the one to initiate a drink after work. He’s grown so very much makes me wanna cry. We all know it’s because of his relationship with Lucy. Our hardened grumpy Tim while still grumpy has grown a lot. Look at him not only doing post work hang but making jokes. Saying it’s all on Nolan ha! Such a nice moment. Until Grey comes over and says Cupcake broke free from animal control LOL Angela's reply is the best 'Who's Cupcake?' So very confused haha

Not a lot of Chenford but good moments and growth none the less. Next episode will be a good one for them.

~~~

Side notes- non chenford

Well this entire episode was that haha I did enjoy Harper’s SL with Aaron and him trying to get that man justice. His reason why behind it and all as well. He develops very nicely as a character. I do love having him around a lot.

[cripplerage]

One of my foster brothers started showing signs of being in the early stages of going down the "right wing pipeline" on YouTube. For those that don't know, it basically means that the algorithm is slowly transitioning him to slightly harmful content that could eventually lead to him being mysoginistic, racist, antisemitic, etc. It generally starts with basic "alpha male" content. He started referring to himself as a "sigma male," talking about "rizzing up girls," and he's started "mewing," a trend that he thinks will give him a stronger jawline.

He's 12.

So what to do, and why post about it on Tumblr?

In Australia, the prime minister has decided he wants to ban social media for anyone under the age of 16 and potentially also make Australian social media start requiring photo ID for ages verification. Do I think this will happen? Not really. But there are a lot of adults that think that a full ban is the only way to go, without ever fully understanding what the problems with children being on the internet even were in the first place.

A ban will not work. Do we need child safe spaces online? Do we need more internet security and data collection protections? Do we need internet safety training for both parents and kids? Absolutely. But not a ban.

So this is what we're doing instead of banning him from YouTube. Maybe it'll help you know what to do for the kids in your life, or maybe you'll have suggestions to help us.

First off: we're switching to NewPipe. It's ad free, got better privacy, and we can turn off recommendations, comment sections, mature content, and the trending page. Essentially, he's getting switched to a subscriber-only feed. Here's the link.

https://newpipe.net/

Then, we're going to sit down with him, judgement free. We'll ask him to show us what he watches on YouTube and ask him what he likes about it. We'll encourage the good stuff and gently explain to him why we don't want him watching the bad stuff.

Then we'll start building the subscriber feed together. He can make requests and we'll do a basic check to make sure they're safe before adding them, and I'll also show him a bunch of random kid friendly channels he might like so that his subscriber tab can look as full and varied as a home page would. I'll show him how to make folders for his favorite YouTubers so he can check just those ones first.

And that's about it, really. I'm aiming to reblog this with a list of what we're letting him watch so that anyone out there can look for recommendations, but keep in mind that what we think is appropriate for our kid might not be what's appropriate for yours.

Remember: The pipeline is a slippery slope. My brother is a lovely kid, and certainly not mysoginistic or anything like that. He doesn't know he watched anything wrong. But even just repeating the words, accidentally internalizing that toxic masculinity, that is a very dangerous first step. It's a lot easier to break them out of it early.

But don't take this as fear mongering either. The internet is important, and just like it would be difficult for adults to suddenly transition to no internet access, so would it be for children. We've simply gone too far. The internet, when done right, is a place that children can go to for education, community, and self discovery. It's where a lot of young people learn about being gay, or that they're being abused, or about injustices in the world.

Cutting that lifeline will put a lot of children in isolation, and isolation makes them vulnerable. We just need to put safety measures in place and take a normal amount of interest in our children's lives, that's all.

Feel free to leave some child friendly YouTube recommendations in the notes!

[ilyxxnsm]

True Love 05

| is true love supposed to hurt like this?

warning: domestic violence, toxicity. don't judge. smut. reader's body type briefly mentioned. reader's ethnicity's not mentioned, but she's light skinned to white. mental health mentioned (medication, depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc). implied self harm (skin pinching, nail biting, scratching, hair pulling). of course physical abuse (hair pulling, slapping, pinching, punching, he breaks bones be fr, hickeys and bite marks??). drug dealer yoongi. everything against reader. reader's 17, yoongi's 23. this is fucked up, like really fucked up.

| and because of you I don't even trust the wind, i question even my merit, my success, who I am, what I deserve, what I gain, what I lose, what i buy, what i sell, what i eat, even my funeral expenses...

It's been a month since Yoongi left you in the hospital to rot by yourself, and you feel worse than you've ever been, even if your wounds already healed.

You had to come back to your apartment since he changed to locks of his, and you've been surviving out of water, snacks and instant soups every two days, no need to say you're a walking dead. Nights are the moments where dread, anxiety and nostalgia have a meeting in your head to torture you, and without the sunlight giving you some serotonin, you're afraid of yourself, of what you could be capable of doing.

Your head hurts and you just can't stop thinking about him, you feel like you're gonna start pulling your hair out of your scalp if you don't stop, just like last night, you need fresh air. You get up and leave your apartment and start walking in the middle of the empty streets, your head empty and your heart aching for him. You must look crazy since it's like 10 degrees outside and you're wearing just his hoodie, pajama shorts and some old UGGs, like a crazy homeless junkie. You walk down the empty streets, looking at your feet, feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. How can you love someone who's as toxic as him, someone as violent and aggressive as him, someone who wouldn't hesitate to punch your face the instant he gets mad. You don't understand yourself, you hate yourself for being like this, the only one you can blame in this situation is yourself. Not him, he'll never be wrong, you'll never be able to hate him.

You walk for what it seems like hours, and you don't notice but you're almost at the other side of town. The air is so cold and lonely and dry that makes your skin and nose dry, you're not even able to take care of yourself now, like a stupid three year old kid, and you fucking hate it. You suddenly realize your surroundings and you're near his studio, somehow, you already know he's there. He's always locked up in his studio, working almost insanely on his music. You remember the nights you both stayed there until the sun came out, he loses track of time when he's inside, and you remember how he said he never picked up the calls when he was working, unless it was your name on the ID call. You wonder if you should go see him, what if he closes the door on your face as soon as he sees you, what if he gets mad and hurts you again. Or maybe he's been missing you too and wants to take you back, but you know he's too proud to take the first step.

You look at the building of his studio from the street in front, it's 4 am and you can see the lights from his studio windows, the ones that you always saw glowing red on the nights you would wait there for him to finish working. The memories of those nights make you shiver, remembering how you'd lay on the couch, listening to his breathing while he worked and smoked with the headphones on. He always said he worked better feeling you next to him, it didn't matter if you spoke or not, as long as you were breathing next to him. As you take the elevator to the floor of the studio, you look down on yourself and realize you probably look like you've been dragged behind a car, you try to fix your messy hair, but you give up and just end up knocking on the door, feeling your legs tremble as you wait for him to open. You know the password of the keypad, but you don't wanna walk inside just like that.

After a few seconds he opens the door with a tired expression, as soon as he sees it's you, his eyes widen and he looks shocked. He's wearing nothing but a pair of oversized black sweatpants and a baggy grey t-shirt, looking pale as usual, the red rings under his eyes makes it obvious he hasn't slept in days. He looks like he didn't even shower in days, it's clear all he does is work, sleep and probably eat cup noodles. He looks at you from head to toe before speaking. "How the fuck are you here?" He growls, pushing you inside and closing the door behind you. He knows you don't have a car and there are no taxis at this hour, so that means you walked almost an hour to come here, and that's insane for someone as weak as you. "It's 0 degrees outside and you're wearing that?" He scoffs, throwing a black blanket at you, you remember you used it as a pillow the nights you both stayed here.

He pushes you to sit on the black leather couch in the corner of the room and kneels on the floor in front of you, making you spread your legs so he can sit between them and take a look at you. You wince when he grabs your leg, his grip tight enough that it's gonna leave his fingerprints bruised in your skin. "Why are you here?" He asks, making you bite your lip and wanna cry, you missed him so much, you missed the manhandling and mistreatment. "I just wanted to see you" You mumble, your small hand reaching to hold his that's on your thigh, feeling his slender, long and calloused fingers. You can hear the faint melody of a song coming from his headphones on his desk, Cubase open on his screen. He makes you so nervous, but so safe, like the pain is a reminder of his presence. It's been a whole month and you're touch starved, you would kill to have him back.

He looks at you without saying anything, his eyes roaming through your body, his hands grabbing your legs as if he's searching for something under your skin. He notices the red spots on your arms, hands and legs, you've been pinching and scratching your skin out of anxiety, even biting your hair, he can tell from your wet and broken ends that look like they were munched by a cow. He looks at you for a few seconds and lets out a dry chuckle, rubbing the corner of his mouth with his thumb. "Is that my hoodie?" He asks, tugging on the soft fabric that drowns you. You nod, your hand searching for his again, holding his wrist to keep it against your thigh. "I miss you" You say in a muffled whisper, watching his feline eyes stare up at you with an unreadable emotion, you never understood him completely. You don't wanna be alone again, you wanna stop taking those stupid antidepressants that don't seem to work anymore, you don't wanna be alone in your bed tonight. You want him back, and everything that comes with him.

He keeps staring at you, his hand slowly tightening up on your thigh until it start hurting. You notice the way his Adam's apple goes up and down when he swallows, his gaze is almost feral and you shiver under it. You can feel the electricity on your skin when he's too close and it's so familiar it's almost painful. He looks at the expression on your face, and suddenly stands up, towering in front of you, his tall frame blocking the desk light and casting a dark shadow over you. His long slender fingers find their way around your jaw, forcing you to look at him with a grip that's firm enough to make you shiver. "Why did you come here, huh? Did you come here to beg your man to take you back?" He asks in a cold, almost mocking tone, his grip on your jaw tightening as he makes you look up at him.

He leans closer to you, his other hand grabbing your leg and forcing it to wrap around his waist, the cold metal of his ring against your skin. He's so much taller than you, you feel enveloped in his presence. You feel his breath close to your face and it makes you bite your lip to stop a whimper from coming out. His sharp, feline eyes staring down at you, his hand sliding to your neck, grabbing it so you stay still. "I know how much you miss me" He growls, squeezing your skin making you wince. "You're such a masochist, coming back knowing I could break your pretty neck" He lets out a low chuckle, his grip making you a bit dizzy, you gasp for air. "Look at you, you don't even fight back"

You feel yourself melt under his touch, you've been craving this for weeks, the smell of smoke and aftershave, the roughness of his hands and the cold of his rings. Feeling his breath on your face after so long, having his eyes glued on you. His tall frame towering over you, you're drowning in his presence. "Please, I miss you" You whisper as he releases your neck from his grip so you can breathe again. "I love you" You say as he turns around casually, holding on to his arm and trying to make him look at you. "Please, take me back, I'll be better..." You beg, almost crying, you're so desperate for him, for his attention, for his rough kisses, for him. You don't even care if you're giving him an ego boost or giving him a green flag to keep treating you the way he does, you just want him to take you back.

He turns back to look at you, a smirk appearing on his face as he looks at the way you're holding onto him like a lost puppy. He chuckles, a deep sound that rumbles through his chest. He turns around to look at you again and grabs your face in his big hands, his face close to yours. He looks straight in your eyes and there's a hint of a smirk in his expression. "You're so beautiful" He whispers, his thumb stroking your face, leaving a trail of fire behind. His hand tangles in your hair before giving it a harsh pull, your scalp burning, you gasp and whimper, but don't pull away. "I love you..." You whisper as he grabs your neck again and squeezes, now tighter, making you see stars. "I love you" You choke out, your face turning pink from the lack of oxygen, he can't believe how submissive you are. He lets go of you after a few seconds and you stumble back, feeling your throat aching as you cough and gasp for air.

He sits down on the black leather couch, sitting back and spreading his leg as he stares up at you with a smug expression. "Come here" He says with a deep voice, pointing to the spot between his legs, like he's calling a dog. You quickly obey and go stand between his legs, your hands holding on to the couch to steady yourself as he grabs your hips and pulls you closer, making you sit on his lap, straddling him. He lets you settle and you start to relax a bit, your body pressing against his hard frame. You cling to his body like a lost child who just found her father, feeling so safe in his arms. He chuckles, brushing a few messy curls away from your face and caressing your face roughly, he's never been the gentle type, everything he does is aggressive, sharp. You're such a sight for sore eyes, flushed cheeks, bright teary eyes, pouty swollen lips, red nose.

He pulls you closer and nuzzles his face in the crook of your neck, breathing in your scent, like he's trying to get high on it. You let out a small gasp and shiver when his touch and his kisses burn your skin, leaving dark spots all over your neck and collarbones, you missed the marks he leaves on your body, the trophies of his love for you. His hands are all over you, grabbing and pulling you closer, his big hands around your waist. His mouth on your skin makes your mind go blank and you melt in his arms, your hands buried in his hair and your body arching into him as he kisses you and bites the underside of your jaw. You close your eyes, letting out tiny needy whimpers and moans. Is in this moment that you forget the pain and abuse and focus on the deep connection you both have, in the twisted yet strong love, on the feeling of his mouth on your skin, on his magic running through your veins.

You feel the need to have him be closer to you, you push yourself against him, you need him on you, all over you. He takes off your hoodie, leaving you in the tank top you use as pajama. He tightens his grip on your hips and suddenly pulls you up by your thighs, making your legs wrap around his waist, your heart beating so fast you think it's gonna burst out of your chest. He pushes you down on his desk, making some of the stuff on it fall on the floor as he lays you on the cold surface. He doesn't seem to mind he just step on his keyboard. He's on top of you, holding your wrists over your head, his face close to yours. He takes off your tank top slowly, noticing the scar on your torso, a scar the surgery left and the doctor said it won't go away, scars of his love, you guess. His fingers trace the red skin outstanding on your ribs, making you shiver and squirm impatiently.

He leans down to wrap his lips around your sensitive nipples, making you moan like a virgin, so pathetic. He sucks on your nipples, taking his time on each one of them as his hands slide down your mini shorts and panties, a string of arousal between your skin and them. He spreads your legs wider roughly, making your miscled tense and ache, but he doesn't seem to care as he starts rubbing your cunt with his palm. Your eyes widen at the shocks of pleasure after a whole month without it, your hips grinding against his hand as he mocks laughs at your eagerness, he knows how much his touch affects you, not only because the physical pleasure, but because of the mental peace it gives you, like any rational thought and logic is gone and there's just voice, his body and his face in your mind. You want to lose yourself in him.

For a moment, you swore to yourself that this was the las time, that after a month in a hospital bed, you learned your lesson and you weren't going back to him, but here you are, begging him to make love to you and make your mind go blank, to ease the pain of absence by hurting you even more and telling you he's never gonna leave your side. The sound of his zipper going down is music to your ears, you can feel his hard cock hitting thigh as it springs out of his boxers, his balls and tip swollen, almost purple, and you're so happy to know how hard he's for you. His lips kiss your scar one last time before going back to your neck, sucking a small hickey before wrapping your legs around his waist and sliding his cock in between your folds, searching for that place that drives him crazy. You have to hold on to the desk as he slams inside you, your insides churning with the intensity of that thrust, but you like it anyways. His dick inside you, what a beautiful analogy of love.

He closes his eyes and stays still for a moment, his head falling on your shoulder, as if he had just been giving the most pure elixir in the world. His hands run up and down your thighs in such a tender and loving away, leaving no trace of the violent man who attacked you that night. "I missed you so fucking bad..." He whispers, kissing you deeply, slow, not usual for him whose kisses always leave you bruised. You kiss him back, wrapping your arms around his neck as he starts thrusting in and out of you, with no rush, taking his time to enjoy the way your walls tighten around his shaft. He's not just fucking you, he's making love to you, he's worshipping you. "I missed you more" You whisper back between kisses.

You can barely move and you shiver under the thin sweaty sheet you're wrapped in. You don't know how many time you've been here cause you can't think about anything else, but you don't wanna leave. He's laying next to you, one arm around your waist, staring at the ceiling, bot of you laying on the cold leather couch. His fingers draw small shapes over your skin, trailing over the red and purple spots on your body. He's smoking a cigarette, occasionally reaching to flick the ashes on the ashtray behind the couch. You can't move your body, everything hurts, but it's a good kind of pain, the kind of pain only he can give you. You snuggle against his chest, hugging him tightly. "I love you" You whisper, kissing his cheek gently and feeling his mouth curl into a smirk. "I know" He says, taking a deep drag of his cigarette and blowing the smoke towards the ceiling. He never says "I love you", but you don't need him to, you know he does.

Everything's okay now, he's by your side again, you're safe, you're okay.

That until you feel a sudden nausea, and it's not the ramyeon you ate in the morning.

[rafecameronscockwarmer]

THE KNIFE I TURN WITHIN MYSELF (Rafe Cameron x Reader)

writers note: 

hi okaaaay so this is my very first fic im new to the community and a little nervous so bear with me! i used to write a lot mostly when i was a kid but i haven’t in years and i haven’t written anything like this ever, but i love to write and am currently obsessed with rafe cameron and obx so i thought id give it a try and just started writing lol. i have literally never ever written smut before so if it’s cringy i apologize in advance! this isn’t a one shot i kinda maybe wanted to write a series if u guys liked it and would maybe want one? ANYWAYS it’s super angsty im not even gonna lie and definitely a darker fic so if you aren’t comfortable with that this probably isn’t the fic for you! please enjoy ✨

Words: 5.8K (it's lengthy I'm sorry lol)

WARNINGS: DUB-CON at times, STEPCEST (sorry lol), drug abuse/self harm, depression, smut eventually!!!! 18+ ONLY PLEASE

Summary: Kildare’s Kook Princess is forced to return home to the Outer Banks for the first time in two years since abruptly leaving for college. Unable to hold yourself together any longer, you’re forced to come face to face with the home and family you left behind and the boy you so desperately tried to forget.

It had been two years since you had last stepped foot on the island you once called home, and you couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease in your stomach as you waited for the ferry to dock. You left for California the summer after you graduated, making UCLA your new home, with plans on never looking back. You used every excuse you could to avoid coming home to the Outer Banks, but most importantly, back to Tannyhill. If it wasn’t for Rose, your mother, threatening to cut you off financially unless you came home for the summer, you wouldn’t have. The Outer Banks simply held far too many painful memories for you, and the idea of being home for an entire summer made you want to hurl the contents of your stomach over the side of the boat into the pristine blue sea. 

You picked at your fingers anxiously, a nervous habit you picked up as a kid, whenever you were stressed, as you waited for the ferry to arrive on the island. You broke the habit once you moved out to California, substituting self-mutilation for a certain white powder that you were already all too familiar with due to your stepbrother Rafe’s problem with it. The irony was not lost on you, as you descended down the rabbit hole of the Los Angeles lifestyle, eventually becoming a female carbon copy of the exact person you had been running from. He was who you dreaded seeing the most, the very reason for your departure from the island and why you refused to come home. Your family, of course, blissfully unaware of the true reason for your self-imposed exile, believing you when you lied to them about being too busy with school and work to visit.  It wasn’t like you didn’t miss your family or friends, but you knew that the best thing for you was to be far away from the island that loomed before you. He had a habit of clouding your judgment, something you needed no help with as you were already prone to making shitty decisions on your own.

You walked off the ferry in search of your ride, praying that Ward and Rose hadn’t sent him to pick you up, they weren’t specific in saying who would get you which made your stomach turn in fear of being alone with him even if it was just for a ten minute car ride. You didn’t know if you could survive being in a car with Rafe, let alone back at home with him for three whole months. The anxiety in you started to grow, your comedown hitting you hard as everything you tried to forget over the last two years began to resurface. You looked around the crowd for a familiar face, your shoulders sagging with relief when you didn’t see anyone. Fuck it, you thought to yourself as you turned to get back on the ferry, your brain already coming up with a variety of lame excuses you could use to explain to your parents why you weren’t waiting on the dock and why you would not be coming home, once again.

“Y/N!” You turned around slightly annoyed at being spotted before you could make your escape, but you smiled when you saw Sarah and Wheezie, running over to you with flowers and a “Welcome Home Y/N!” sign in hand. Your heart wrenched with guilt at the sight of your sisters, your eyes welling up the moment they both enveloped you into a hug, almost knocking you down.

“We missed you so much!” Wheezie exclaimed as she took a step back, readjusting her glasses to look up at you, her face lit up with adoration.

“Did you just try to get back on the ferry?” Sarah questioned with a smirk as her initial excitement to see you wore off when she realized what you were trying to do prior to your guys’ reunion. “Gotta be quicker than that, babe.”

You laughed, raising your hands up in defense, “You caught me.” The three of you laughed together as you pulled them both in for another hug. “I missed you both so much! Wheezie, you're almost as tall as me now!” 

“Well I am a growing girl. And you would know that if you hadn’t disappeared for the last two years.” She huffed with an eye roll while you put your arm around her shoulder as you three began to make your way to the car. You cringed internally at the jab, but you knew they both had the right to be annoyed with your lack of presence within the family lately.

“I didn’t disappear!”

“No you just moved across the country and never came back, not even to visit once!” Wheezie shot back. 

“It’s compl-” You started, your anxiety rising again as you fiddled with your fingers. Sarah looked down, instantly noticing the peeled and raw edges of your cuticles, biting her lip with worry while quickly changing the subject.

“Who cares! You're finally home and ours to torment for the next three months!” Out of all your siblings, you stayed the closest to Sarah. Despite the two year age difference, she was your best friend, unofficial twin ,and the keeper of all your secrets. Well, you thought, most of your secrets.

“While there’s nothing I would love more than to be tormented by you both”, you laughed “I am exhausted from the trip and just wanna lay in my bed right now, lucky for you guys I’ll be here for three months so there will be endless opportunities for you guys to torture me throughout the summer!”

“I’ll let you rest for a bit but there’s a party at the boneyard tonight you HAVE to come! I’ll drag you by your nose piercing if I have to, you’re back home and we need to celebrate properly. With lots of liquor.” Sarah giggled before giving you the look, a simple pout she used to get her away. And it got you. Every single time. “Besides, the pogues are excited to see you! Especially JJ.”

“Oh god,” you rolled your eyes while Wheezie wrinkled her nose in disgust at the way Sarah sang JJ’s name. 

“Come on,” Sarah whined, “I’m finally old enough to party with you, and what better way to celebrate Kildare’s favorite kook princess return home with a bonfire on the beach?”

“Fine I’ll go! But I am so not Kildare’s favorite kook princess, that would be you”you snorted, as you all got into the car.

“Haven’t you heard? I’ve crossed over to the dark side.” Sarah said, “I’m a pogue now.”

Sarah was always the more free spirit of your siblings, that being one of the reasons that drew you to her when you first met. The Cameron’s were Figure 8 royalty, and with that last name came wealth, and the expectations to be better than everyone else. Especially the pogues. She was the most down to earth girl on your side of the island, a rarity in kook central, where everyone’s favorite pastime was shitting on the less fortunate that resided on the other side of the island. You were born a pogue, a fact about yourself you seem to forget often, having become accustomed to the lavish lifestyle, but you weren’t an elitist snob like the rest of Figure 8. 

“Yeah, she’s been hanging out with John B a lot,” Wheezie added from the backseat while Sarah glared at her through the rearview mirror. Wheezie stuck her tongue out in retaliation.

“John B, huh? What happened with Topper?” You teased as the blonde rolled her eyes, causing you to laugh.

“I got bored,” Sarah said as Wheezie spoke simultaneously “She got bored.”

You laughed again because that sounded exactly like her. When she first told you about Topper, you knew it would end this way, Sarah wasn’t the kind of girl that aspired to have the perfect Kook husband, family, and home. No, that was more your dream than hers. You always knew it was a matter of time before her attention would turn to the cut looking for fun. It gave her the freedom Los Angeles gave you. 

“Whatever, let’s get you home so you can rest so we can go out and have some fun tonight!” 

The reality of your situation began to settle within you, as you looked out the window at the streets of what you once considered home. You wanted to cry but held back tears, not wanting your sisters to know that you really didn’t want to be home. They were so happy to see you, and you missed them so much, it was hard for you to think about how you left them behind and how much they’d grown since you left. You felt like you missed out on so much, but you knew deep down it was your fault. You chose to be gone. Wheezie was right, you all but disappeared.

Sniffling discreetly, you turned your attention back to Sarah, “Who’s all home?” 

“Dads out of town, some meeting with investors I guess I don’t know,” Sarah said, “Rose is with the committee finalizing the finishing touches for Midsummers.”

“Oh God, I forgot all about Midsummers,”  you groaned at the thought of being surrounded by every single family that resided on Figure 8 and all the pretentious ass kids you went to school with. It was the event of the summer, every summer, and as Ward Cameron’s daughter, your attendance was mandatory. It was the perfect place for him to show off his perfect family to the community and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at the idea of pretending to be the perfect nuclear family, when you were very much the opposite.

You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to center yourself, “What about Rafe?”

“He’s at the club, golfing with Kelce and Top” Sarah said as she rolled her eyes at the mention of Rafe. They were never close, your stepfather’s love for Sarah shined brighter than his love for Rafe. His favoritism was no secret, no matter how much Sarah wanted to deny it, you could see it, everyone could see it. It bothered you, and you knew Rafe resented her for it, which made your heart involuntarily ache every time you thought about it. 

“He’s been a real dick lately, ya know, like I don’t know what his problem is.”

“Yeah he’s been acting really weird since he found out you were coming home” Wheezie said, as your heart began to pound erratically at the thought of seeing him again. You couldn’t avoid him forever, especially not when your bedroom was directly across the hall from his. You’ll be okay, you think to yourself, in an attempt to calm yourself down. Just avoid him at all costs, and you’ll be fine, you thought. Easier said than done, but it doesn't hurt to attempt anyway.

“Maybe now that you’re home you can pull the stick out of his ass. He was always nicer when you’re around. You’re like the only one he listens to anyways.” Sarah huffed as she finally pulled up to the long driveway of Tannyhill. She was right, unfortunately as you were always the one to keep Rafe in check, the only one who could pull him out of his episodes when his intrusive thoughts took over and he began to act maniacally. It was you who came to his rescue after every fight he no doubt purposely started, and it was you who cleaned and bandaged his wounds. While you and Sarah were close, you and Rafe were inseparable, or well, used to be before you basically ran away. Your hands start to shake as you gripped your phone tighter, attempting to ground yourself. It’d been too long since your last bump, and that insatiable craving for more coupled with your anxiety had you on edge. You had to get to your room as soon as possible. 

“Ugh anyways, enough about Rafe,” Sarah said in disgust as she put the car in park and turned to you, her blue eyes wide and excitement coursing through her veins. 

“Welcome home!”  Wheezie squealed, poking her head in from the backseat as the car came to a halt. You looked up at Tannyhill, the sprawling mansion intimidating you as your childhood memories all came rushing back, overwhelming you, causing a swirl of butterflies in your lower stomach, that you did your best to ignore.  You weakly faked a smile, not wanting them to know that you’d rather be anywhere else in the world than back here. Welcome home, you thought bitterly to yourself with a grimace. Welcome fucking home.

Eleven years ago.

You were nervous, excited, but nervous to finally have a real home and family. Life on the Cut with your mom wasn't bad. You were a lot more fortunate than others living comfortably, but you ached for a real family with siblings and a dad that was actually present. Not long after you turned nine, you were gifted that, when Rose began dating Ward, and not long after that, he proposed to her, moving you both in with him and his three kids at Tannyhill. You liked Sarah the most, even though she was younger than you, Wheezie barely being three at the time, Rafe was a year older than you but had already held such a disdain for pogues which he made perfectly clear every time you two were in the same room with each other.

“Just because your mom is marrying my dad doesn’t make you a kook, you know,” the then ten year old said angrily, looking down upon you with a look of disgust on his face. “Once a pogue, always a pogue.”

You did your best to not let his mean words make you cry, up until then you played the sweet and dutiful daughter and were nothing but nice to Rafe even when he was being downright nasty for no good reason. But if this was your future for the next nine years, you didn’t know if you could handle it.

Finally fed up with his attitude towards you, you looked up, staring into his baby blue eyes, doing your best to look intimidating, “You’re kind of an asshole.”

His eyes widened in surprise, and a slight smirk appeared on his face as he looked you up and down, but he didn’t have the chance to respond.

“Y/N!” You turned around to see your mom stomping towards you, her face lit up with embarrassment, “We do NOT call people assholes. Apologize to Rafe.” Rose chastised.

You scoffed, “He started it!”

“I don’t care who started it, I’m ending it. Apologize, now.” Your mother looked at you expectantly, waiting for you while Rafe stood there looking amused. You wanted to slap that stupid smirk off his face but did your best to restrain yourself.

Sighing dramatically, “I’m sorry that I called you an asshole when you were being an asshole.”

“Y/N!”

Rafe laughed, probably the first genuine one you heard since you met the boy, and as much as you hated to admit it, you liked it. You wish he did it often, you thought. For the first time, his eyes didn’t hold any malice in them when he looked down at you, and your anger disappeared as you looked back up at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“What’s going on?” Ward questioned as he entered the room, sensing the tension between his son and future daughter. His steely gaze met with Rafe’s, causing the boy to look down nervously.

“Oh you know, just kids being kids,” your mother reached up to fix the collar of Ward’s shirt, one hand lingering on his chest. “It’s been dealt with.”

“Good.” He looked down at Rafe, with a look on his face you were all too familiar with. You’d seen it on your own dad when he was still around. It was the kind of look that made you want to shrink into nothing because it made you feel like nothing. It was a look that said we’ll discuss this later, behind closed doors. “Rose and Y/N are family now, and I expect them to be treated as such. She’s your sister now Rafe, act like it.”

Rafe scowled at the floor as he mumbled under his breath, “Yes, sir.”

As soon as you made your way into the mansion, you feigned tiredness immediately sprinting up the spiral staircase to your room. You stopped once you made it to the second floor, hesitating to go into your room at first, as your body unconsciously drew yourself outside of Rafe’s bedroom. His door was closed which was no surprise to you, you knew he wasn’t home but you couldn’t stop yourself as you turned the knob and pushed the door open. His room looked the same, nothing had changed since the last time you’d been in there, like two years hadn’t just passed. You couldn’t help yourself as you wandered in and closed the door quickly behind you, your back pressing against the door as you scanned his room with your eyes, unsure of what you were really even looking for. You didn’t know why you were there. Your body moved on autopilot as you moved around the room, refamilizing yourself with the place you spent countless days and nights in. Your fingers lightly brushed along the comforter of his bed, the same way one he had when you were home, knowing that this was the closest thing you’d allow yourself to Rafe. Once upon a time, you were the only one Rafe allowed in his room and now you stood in it once more, feeling like a stranger in the very place that was once your safe haven from the stressors of being a Cameron.

It became too much for you, and you turned to leave abruptly, but not before catching a glimpse of a photo frame on his desk that wasn’t there when you left two years ago. At closer inspection, you gasped when you realized it was you in the picture, well you and Rafe. It was taken at Midsummer’s when you were fifteen and he was sixteen. It was the first time you had a date to the event, instead of just attending with your family. You’d been asked by Alex Fairworth, a senior at Kildare Academy, who also incidentally you had a slight crush on at the time. You were so happy and excited to be able to go with someone as cool as Alex, but ultimately ended up being stood up that night. You spent weeks searching for the perfect dress and shoes just wanting Alex to notice you. You were embarrassed, dreading the idea of walking in alone when you realized he wasn’t going to show up. You weren’t surprised either when you ran into him at the club, a week after Midsummer’s, and had seen his face black and blue. You knew who did it as you smirked at him, silently taunting him for standing you up.

Rafe came to your rescue that night ditching his own date to ensure you didn’t walk in alone. You were grateful but the humiliation still lingered on your face when you walked in with your step brother instead of Alex, as you could already hear the whispers from others about your date or lack thereof. Rafe did your best to distract you that night, never leaving your side, glaring at anyone who dared to side eye you. He stole you both a bottle of champagne and kept you both drunk, laughing throughout the night together as you forgot all about Alex just enjoying the night with him causing chaos at the club.

Your mother had finally tracked you both down, as you had spent the night doing your very best to avoid her and dodge her questions about Alex. You were both scolded for being drunk at Midsummer's but were forced to go take photos of the family together. You remember the look Ward gave Rafe when he realized you were both drunk, as you both attempted to hold it together for photos. This photo was just of you and him, him looking down at you with a smile and while you smiled for the camera. He looked so handsome that night in his powder blue tux, your heart twisting with grief at the framed photo as you remembered the night everything changed.

You took one last look around his room before walking out and closing the door dashing across the hall into your room before you could be spotted leaving Rafe’s. You walked into your room, throwing yourself on the freshly made bed, probably done in preparation for your arrival. You felt all the tears you spent all day holding back finally bubbling back up as you cried quietly into your pillow, your entire body shaking as you sobbed. How were you supposed to handle an entire summer home you thought to yourself, mentally beating yourself up at being this shaken up over just being in his room. You don’t know why you even went in there in the first place, it was the exact opposite of your whole “avoid Rafe at all costs” plan.

“Get a fucking grip, Y/N.” You muttered to yourself as you made your way into your bathroom. You looked in the mirror at yourself, your face was sunken and your Y/E/C eyes were bloodshot. You looked like a shell of your old self, the carefree sparkle in your eyes that once shined so brightly was dead, and you suppose you were just an empty shell of the girl you used to be. You had changed so much, you almost didn’t recognize yourself. You didn’t see it in LA, but you suppose coming home opened your eyes to how you really looked now.

You needed a fix and you needed it now. Something to perk you up even if only temporarily before you started to feel like the dead girl staring back at you in the mirror. You left the bathroom to lock your door, and made a beeline to your purse for a certain small baggie in your wallet. You sighed with relief when you found it but started to panic when you realized how much you had left. You could always hit up Barry, but you didn’t want word getting back to Rafe about your newfound hobby that you picked up in California. Whatever you thought, you could always just give him more money for his silence and you knew Barry’s sleazy ass well enough to know that it would work. You quickly spilled the contents of the bag onto your phone and got to work breaking up the powder into four small white lines. You quickly snorted all of them up, rubbing your nose for any leftover residue.

You felt your heart begin to beat fast as the numbness took over your face, and you exhaled in relief as that familiar buzz invaded your body, relaxing you. You grabbed the bottle of anxiety medication out of your purse, quickly downing two pills as you laid back in bed, feeling your body tingle softly as the drugs took effect while your mind drifted away. Not long after that you finally fell into a deep slumber dreaming in a kaleidoscope of blues, the very same shade belonging to a certain pair of eyes you had spent the last two years forcing yourself to forget.

You awoke a few hours later to a loud banging on your bedroom door as Sarah yelled at you from the other side. “Don’t think you're getting out of going out with me Y/N, get up!”

You groggily opened your eyes and shuffled out of your bed to unlock your bedroom door, the light from the hallway blinding you as you opened the door to see Sarah looking at you with her eyebrows raised and a mischievous smile on her face. She was already ready, having wisely spent the last few hours preparing for the night while you were in a self-induced coma. You rolled your eyes as she barged into your room leading you to your vanity table and forcing you in the seat.

“No offense, but you look like shit,” Sarah started as she stood behind you looking at your reflection in the mirror as you sheepishly avoided making eye contact with her, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you lied, finally meeting her eyes, plastering a smile on your face. “Just tired from everything right now. Between school and work and coming home, it’s a lot you know.” She looked at you for a minute trying to decide whether or not she thought you were lying. She nodded, her face softening as she started to brush your hair. You both sat there in silence as she styled your hair, you relaxing into her touch. You hated lying to her and hated even more that she could always tell when you were, but Sarah respected your boundaries and knew you would come to her when you were ready. You hummed in appreciation as her fingers ran through your hair pulling half of it up and pinning it with a clip.

Sarah placed her arms around your shoulders holding you from behind as you both stared at each other in the mirror, “I really did miss you. I know you said it was complicated and I respect that, but please don’t leave. At least not like that again. I get why you want out and away, you know, more than anyone else in this house at least,” she trailed off for a second, her blue eyes looking glassy, “Just don’t disappear again, please.”

You reached up to place your hand on her arm, and smiled softly, “I won’t, I promise.”

“Good.” she sniffled as she wiped her tears away, she looked at you and smiled seemingly satisfied with your answer. “Now let’s get you ready! JJ’s been asking about you ever since I told him you were coming home.” Sarah smiled smugly, evidently proud of herself.

“Sarah!”

“What? He totally thinks you're hot and I know you think he is too!” She giggled as you began to blush. JJ was cute, very cute in fact and could provide you with the distraction you do desperately needed in order to survive the summer.

You smiled slyly at her, “He is really cute.”

“I knew it!” Sarah squealed as you began to apply your makeup in a pathetic attempt to make yourself look less dead. Thankfully, a little concealer, blush, and a pair of false eyelashes go a long way. You stared at your reflection in the mirror, almost recognizing the girl looking back at you, the girl who Sarah knew, the girl in Rafe’s photo. You shook yourself out of your thoughts, you weren’t her anymore, and you hadn’t been in a long time, even before you left the Outer Banks.

The Boneyard hadn’t changed, and you don’t know why you would have thought it would be any different than when you were the one in high school drinking Mai Tai’s mingling among the crowd of Kooks, Pogues and Tourons that regularly gathered at the beach. To your left stood the Kook’s keeping to their own as usual, you thought as you rolled your eyes, you had never understood the whole Kooks vs Pogues thing on the Island, you thought it was stupid. You made your way down the beach to where a few of the Pogues had gathered around the bonfire, blunts passing as cans clinked and laughter soared through the night’s breeze. Your heart warmed at the sight of your friends, you were always closer to the Pogues even if you were the Kook princess. You were beloved by all, Kook or Pogue it didn’t matter, you radiated light and everyone around you could see that, even when you couldn’t.

Your name was shouted as Kie spotted you first, gaining the attention of JJ, John B, and Pope. They all stood up rushing over to you, Kie pulling you in for a hug with JJ and Pope throwing their arms around the two of you. John B was off to the side hugging Sarah and you smiled at the way he looked at her, you missed that as the dull void in your chest started to ache.

“Welcome back to the OBX princess!” JJ teased, using his favorite nickname for you, “Been wonderin’ when you were gonna bless us all with your presence again.” his gorgeous blue eyes raked your form up and down, while you liked the attention the shaggy blonde boy gave you, his eyes just weren’t the right shade of blue for you.

You laughed, twirling your hair, giggling as you flirted back, “ Awww did you miss me Maybank?”

“Island ain’t the same without you, baby”, He drawled winking as he grinned down at you.

“Well I’m here now,” you said as you stole the cup of alcohol out of his hands, tossing it back savoring the burn of JJ’s favorite concoction, a secret mixture of liquors he deemed “happy juice”. You felt some of the liquid slide down the side of your mouth and dribble down your throat as JJ hungrily eyed your throat, wondering what you tasted like and if you were as sweet as he thought.

“That’s my girl!” He hollered, “We got a lot of lost time to drink for, two years to be specific, let’s get you another drink princess.” You allowed JJ to grab your hand and pull you through the crowd, to the old beer pong table they called the drink station. You knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to drink and let your guard down but you needed it and it had been so long since you had fun with your friends. It could’ve been the coke you snorted before you left when Sarah wasn’t looking talking, but you wanted to get into a little trouble tonight and JJ was the perfect person to get into trouble with.

You were nervous knowing that he could show up at any moment, but you hadn’t seen him earlier when you arrived, your eyes nervously scanning the beach looking for the 6’2’ boy. You felt yourself relax into JJ’s touch as he put his arm around you pulling you into him. Handing you your cup, he walked you back to the pogues as they stood off to the side waiting for you two.

“So Y/N, kudos to getting off the Island, a rare feat for us small folks.” Pope said with a smile. Where JJ was fun to flirt with, Pope was your favorite to talk to, he was smart and amazingly self aware but was also just a really sweet guy in general.

“Yeah, how’s California?” Kie asked as everyone turned to you.

“I heard the waves out there are fuckin awesome.” JJ exclaimed.

“Honestly California’s great, I love LA. And yes the waves are fuckin awesome.” You laughed answering JJ’s question, while he beamed drunkenly at you “I haven’t really had much time to surf lately but there really is nothing like it out there.”

“Is that why you haven’t come back? Forgot all about us pogues?” teased John B, as Sarah looked worriedly at you. You shook your head laughing, silently conveying to her that you were fine, as she relaxed back into John B’s arms. For the first time in a long time you even believed it yourself, you were drunk already, JJ’s happy juice taking effect quickly as you giggled under the stars carelessly with your friends.

“I could never forget about you guys! Once a pogue, always a pogue, there isn’t a place in the world that could change that,” you assured them as they all raised their cup in agreement.

“Hear-hear.” Kie said before sipping her drink causing you to giggle some more. Damn. You were a lot more drunk than you thought.

“I have a gift for you,” JJ said as he reached into his pocket, your interest peaked as your big eyes stared at him expectantly. You weren’t sure what to expect but laughed loudly when he placed a blunt in your hand. “Nothing but the best for our Kook princess.”

You rolled your eyes as you placed the blunt between your lips waiting for JJ to light the blunt for you. It took him a second, as he was distracted by your natural pout and the way your eyes seductively looked up at him. He thought about taking the blunt out of your mouth to kiss you but decided against it. You sat back while taking a hit from the blunt, letting the THC take over your body and mingle with the other substances already flowing through your bloodstream.

For the first time since you had arrived back on the Island, you felt at peace, like nothing had ever changed. You were happy to be home, surrounded by your friends, reunited with your sisters again. You were glad Sarah forced you out, enjoying the moment, soaking it up, blissfully unaware of the fact that it was about to come crumbling down.

You looked around you, taking in the sight of your friends together, the ocean roaring next to you and the carefree sounds of the island’s youth partying together. You smile to yourself, having forgotten about your fears and anxiety, almost forgetting about him entirely and why you had run away in the first place. You looked up across the bonfire entirely by chance, locking eyes with the boy that occupied your mind when you were awake and haunted you when you slept.

Fuck. Rafe.

if you want to be tagged, comment and let me know!! i sincerely hope you guys enjoy this as much as i did writing it<3

[thecoolerliauditore]

that post has me wondering. i know you arent a system yourself, but id love to hear your thoughts on system pearl

Honestly that post summed it up pretty well I don't think I have much to add. Plus I don't really feel right breaking it down myself when I haven't actually read up on this stuff properly. However you asked and so I will indulge just don't take any of it seriously this is all very armchair psychology of me.

I think Scarlet Pearl potentially has some persecutor traits, especially when combined with the whole self-harm metaphor thing. I really like this article and especially the part about empathizing with persecutors and giving them a guiding hand in learning to protect in more constructive ways instead of disregarding their feelings.

Gem's crush is explicitly on the Scarlet Pearl alter and not the whole system.

Most of the cast (if not all of them) are unaware of her being a system. I think the ones closer to her would realise something was up but not be able to put it into words, hence the "you acted CRAZYYY" stuff. Host Pearl herself might also be only acutely aware.

Scarlet Pearl fronted for almost all of DL and the ending where she says she "forgives" Scott is host Pearl returning to front, hence her confusion and inconsistent "forgiveness" in following seasons (she doesn't remember everything that happened in DL).

FYI this isn't really a headcanon I super duper subscribe too and more one of those "this could be a thing" ones I think about for a day or two, but a lot of these traits (the memory issues, the different versions of Pearl) independently are like. mainstays of my view of Pearl's character which is why I think I found system Pearl interesting to think about in the first place.

My current belief is that something is definitely happening in that direction but she's not 100% a system, after all I do think Scarlet Pearl specifically started off more or less as performative (and returns to being performative at times too -- such as in LimL) but took on a life of her own as time went on. She is an identity Pearl created to protect herself but I don't usually think of her as an alter necessarily. Which is why I'm happy other people are out there fighting for system Pearl. She can join aromantic scott in Liau's list of headcanons that aren't mine but share narrative parallels.

[wilcze-kudly]

I watched Korra again for the Weilin but I still Don’t Get It even though I want to!!! Can you give me the rundown/pitch/Weilin 101??

Oh boy I am so sorry I made such a fuss to over weilin you felt like you needed to rewatch the show for it.

So basically, Wei and Bolin don't have many interactions in canon. In fact I would say that there are only two scenes that properly count as one on one interactions. Its also important to note that the only Beifong twin Bolin ever interacts with as a singular person rarher than a pair is Wei. He never interacts with Wing unless he is addressing both twins.

The first interaction between Bolin and Wei is during B3 when Bolin is trying and failing miserably to learn metalbending. Wei seems annoyed to be stuck with someone who doesn't know metalbending and decides to sandwich Bo between two metal plates. As you do.

He then claims that 'trial by fire' is the best way to learn metalbending. Since Wei is such a minor character, we don't know enough about him to be able to fully pinpoint where this action came from. Does Wei genuinely think that bodily harm is the best way to learn a martial art? Was he trying to distract Bolin from his constant failure to bend metal? Was this the equivalent of a puppy biting someone as an attempt to initiate playtime? Is he just a douche?

We will probably never know. Thanks nickelodeon.

Bolin does eventually return the gesture in kind, getting his own petty revenge. And hitting Wei in the head with a pebble.

I like this scene, because it showcases Bolin's pettier side. One that rarely, if ever comes out with his canon romantic interests. Bolin is a character that has a habit of reigning in his less palatable traits, in order to appeal more to the people around him. His petty and more sarcastic nature is reserved mainly for Mako, probably the person he feels most comfortable with.

I think it's a very fun thing to see this side of him flare up with this random guy and it gave me thought about how their relationship could incorporate this. Wei enjoying pressing Bolin's buttons, causing Bolin to showcase more of his more authentic self.

They so seem to both have a passion for sports and earthbending which is cute. They're both competitive which adds some nice flavour and potential spicy sparring scenes.

The next scene is the famed catch n' pat.

Youre gonna tell me this wasn't at least a bit fruity?

The prolonged eye contact? The damsel in distress imagery? Bolin's lil smirk that is soon replaced with bisexual confusiom?

Imo they have a lot of chemisrty in both these scenes and make me want more of their relationship.

I also think it would be very interesting to see Bolin develop feelings for a guy. We see that he puts his female love interests on a certain pedestal. Id assume this is due to a rather naive and innocent view of love, most likely due to the fact that he didn't get to emotionally mature enough to acknowledge that romance isn't like what the fairytales say it is.

It would be interesting to see Bolin not get to 'court' said male romantic interest like he usually does. Bolin wouldn't be as 'showmany' with a guy friend than with a girl he'd like to seduce. This causes an interesting dynamic to the relationship if Bolin were to want to seduce said guy, who has seen him with his guard down.

Also seeing comphet boy Bolin going through a crisis of sexuality because his (ex?) girlfriend's brother patted his face is very appealing to me

I think what entices me in weilin is being able to have a dynamic no other ship could fully offer Bolin. And the potential of character growth it could afford Bolin, a character whose complexity is often overlooked, much to my upset. Personally, I dislike all of Bolin's canon relationships, so when Weilin came chemistry guns a blazing I was very intrigued. And then I fell down the rabbit hole and now im here.

If you have any more questions on Weilin please feel free to ask! I'm over the moon to ramble about them to whoever will listen. Hope this was enough to start you off with.

Also, if you're interested, I have a concerningly long essay on the subject because I am very sane and normal about them:

Rest assured my feelings have since evolved and i now have more reasons to ship them.

I guess there's so much fun to have with this ship and the dynamics and stories they could have.

[hpdfag]

needle and bandage emoji to be specific . FORGOT TO INCLUDE THE BANDAGE

HI HI HELLO !!!!!!!!!!! WAVES this got long as fuck and i unmasked maybe a little too much so its hidden under the cut 4 now ... thank u for sending these in i always love a chance to ramble :3

🩹 - what would you do if your darling hurt themself??

auauahaghhhghhh i would feel SO TERRIBLE even if it wasnt my fault ... he deserves all of the grace in the world, i would do my best to make sure he knew i was there for him, that i really did love him, that he wasnt alone

i would worry about his safety very deeply, but i don't think i'd force him to stop. i'd tell him i was worried, and that i loved him, and that i wanted to do whatever i could, but ultimately it was up to him, you know?

ive had so many people react in just the worst most unhelpful ways when they figured out i had relapsed with self harm and i know i'd never wish that kind of insensitivity and callousness on my love, even if it was out of a place of love and care, i just want him to do what feels best for him

however if he carved my name in himself i think id. how do i put this in an appropriate manner. pass out. and if he wanted me to cut him up i would have a very hard time finding it in myself to say no ^_^ i may have some morals but they are a bit flimsy unfortunately

💉 - how far would you go to get your darlings love??

as far as i could push without him hating me or getting upset!! i think its a bit counter-intuitive to keep pushing and breaking down your darling until they give in. there's just no staying power to a relationship like that!

i'd mold myself into whatever he wanted, slowly but surely, so he wouldn't notice. if he said he prefered people with darker hair, a few weeks later, id get someone else to dye my hair and make them think it was their idea. if he wanted someone more assertive, who stood up for themselves more, slowly but surely id let myself grow, and try to find it in me to really speak my mind. if he wanted someone he could fix up, if he wanted a pet project he could be proud of, i'd let myself shatter, let myself fall into pieces again for him to put back together like kintsugi, better than i was before i fell apart because of him.

in general, im terrible at trying to take control. i fell first, but he was the one that asked me out, and then proposed. i try to be subtle, so there's no chance of me seeming overbearing. i'll become whatever he wants. anything at all.

i think also, part of this, is i trust him at this point to be able to control himself. he isnt some kind of idiot who only acts on base impulses, i trust that he loves me, and can have friends without becoming too buddy-buddy with them.

i couldn't kill anyone he cared about, it would make him too sad, and i'd be hesitant to throw a wedge between them, if only because we have such a small community back home. it would distort the balance. everyone relies on him, needs him, and i can't destroy that. i need to cultivate hope, not bring despair. our friends, they're scared of me, even if i'm relatively harmless. i think i could get people to back off pretty easily by just saying i was concerned, and they would know to do it in a way that didn't hurt hinata, because they know how serious i am about him. about his happiness. and they care about him too. so i would hope they know how to react to something like that. i would also hope it wont be necessary.

im planning on spending my life with him, not setting us both on fire. i need him to be happy. i need him to love me. i need to be able to love him to survive. ive toned myself down as much as i think i can in hopes of appeasing him. if i wasnt so scared of hurting him, i think i would kill for him. i think id cut us off from everyone if i didnt know it would kill them too. he's so important. i want everyone to be able to bear witness to his light, i just cant stand people who want to take it for themselves. they should know their place.

people who aren't from the island though? who just want to take him? they drive me insane. i cant stand them, the audacity they have, to think they're worthy to even be near him. to think he would love them the way he loves me. i value my own life, so i couldn't kill them. but i definitely want to sometimes. at the very least i'd cut them out of his life as swiftly as possible. FF workers, people from the mainland, people from this awful reality who think he'd ever call them his. id cut them out like a tumor. as quickly and as efficiently as possible, without any care for the fallout. the cancer would be gone.

[jadzio]

Hey, I know it's been a lil while, and that you're busy, but I've been wondering about something. In the past, you have mentioned that Velvette is your favorite character from Hazbin, and I'm curious - what's the reason for that?

It mostly surprised me because of how little screentime she gets (I believe she has roughly 4 scenes, where she got to speak). I have also had instances where I came to really love side characters that the story didn't put much focus on, but I also don't recall any of them ever making it to my number 1 spot, so yeah.

But I will admit that I enjoyed her quite a bit. Her VA did a great job, and I do like the fun archetype of the 'snooty self absorbed rich girl that is also pretty short I guess' (with Pacifica from GF, Qiyana from League, and Disgust from Inside Out being some other examples I liked).

And Resepctless is a bop, of course. Plus it also strongly implied that Velvette is somewhat delusional (as Vox was shown to be the backbone of her group, being the one with biggest influence, that also sorts situations out - while Zestial didn't loose any relevance, judging by the way folks on the street reacted to him), which could be a fun thing to explore in Season 2.

I wonder if there's anything more to your enjoyment of the character, or if it's just the stuff I already said. After all, we all have our favorite tropes and archetypes, and a character would often become my favorite for simply fitting into the ones I like!

But I suppose there's no harm in asking :3

dw dw

I may answer a bit late, but hey at some point I will claw out some time...

Velvette is my fave from hazbin, but Beelzebub is my fave from the whole hellaverse.

I dont think she is delusional tho. I think that line was just either puffing up your coat to appear bigger and more threatening to the other overlords or all the v's i think thinks of themselves as the most important. We see a lot of vox, but id say that its vel who keeps things running the most. She isn't running and wasting time on simping for someone who won't even look at em (I mean angel for Val and alastor for vox). She feels like she needs to pick up crap after their toxic yaoi and feel the consequences the most.

And I think zestial might have lost some influence. I mean if u only take what folks from the street think of him, I mean they acted like that when they've seen alastor too, but its harder to argue that he remained in the same power as before. I think most sinners would reacted that way, cause 1 overlords, 2 who knows what they are up to, 3 they are known to take souls so u know u can still think lowly of someone and still be scared of them if they have a granade in their hand. Sides Val might have said that cause maybe v's have millions of souls due to the powers shift and more of the new sinners coming to them for technology., while zestiel might have had only a few thousands, strong ones, but less in numbers. Maybe she thinks those old souls can't do much anymore as opposed to their millions. also situation just had changed, they've discovered that angels are not immortal. so she wants a new approach to the situation and not be dragged by old unchanged ways of ye old. Also also all that was to prode and poke at carmila to cause her to outburst. I think she is smarter then u give her credit to. she knows its Carmilla and is trying to get out more info in the way she knows how. also it might have been again puffing up your coat to bring more overlords to her side.

But to answer ur question, I think i need to go back to queen bee. My love for her started for a beautiful design and its still a big part of it ofc. But... Idk how to describe it. She kinda awakened/opened some part of me if even just a lil (not like sexually i already know im pan/furry don't at me). Some part that been hidden away. one thats more spunk and free in her expression. More femme but in this specific way. This all didnt change my life in a dramatic way, but it pry open the door for other stuff to influence it.

And thats where Vel comes in. Trough that opened door, a lil bit. She also has an amazing design. But she is also spunky and not afraid to speak her mind and have a lil fun with it. She is respectless and a lil but of a bad bitch and Idk that kinda resonates with me a lil. I sometimes wish I had that confidence to flip off other plp (when deserved obvi) and dress in unusual ways.

overall idk you can all attribute my interest in them both to excellent design. but that's my theory on why