#i am looking at a document
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what i'd give to be able to keep a fic ~3k words. why do i be adding so much plot !!!
#if u think this means i'm writing#that's a generous overstatement#i am looking at a document#and there are (too many) words#jordie says stuff
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I've been doing a lot of reflection as of late, especially after this past class.
This past class was about the Torah and Tanakh in general, and the way the rabbi talked about the commandments (specifically the ten commandments) has made me really reflect on how I interpret them, specifically the fifth commandment, or honoring your mother and father.
This is a commandment I have wrestled with for a long time - in fact, it brought me away from g-d at multiple times. I was severely abused when I was incredibly young by my mother, and I used to feel insulted at the implication that I were to honor her while she got to live a better life. It was hypocritical, in my eyes.
But this rabbi surmised that this particular commandment was because parenthood is an act of creation, something that is like the g-d from which we come from. My realization is this: I don't think we're necessarily meant to take even these commandments literally.
I this particular commandment is more of a call to honor creation - creation is a gift, and like any gift, many people simply will not like it and will discard it. The person who abused me created me, but she did not honor creation. She didn't honor me, but I can still honor it.
I have started to honor creation much more. I'm too young, too unstable, not mature enough to be a father (though I fantasize about it), but I create all the time. I create relationships, I create with my hands through crochet. I create memories, I create my world. And I can honor who I am and where I came from that made me who I am. I've been learning one of the mother tongues of my family (Italian, since part of my family originates there) and it was judaism that inspired me to do this.
I don't think g-d wants me to honor my abuser. I think He wants me to remember the Holy action of creation. When I am a father, that act of creation will be Holy, and indeed, I am already joyful about the thought.
I have seen many people struggle with this particular commandment, but I think this perspective helps me personally. I don't think I ever have to forgive my abusers (plural), and I don't think I am commanded to simply because they happened to be family. I am commanded to recognize the holy, to elevate the mundane. In doing so, I will remember g-d. Through creation, I honor g-d and everything he has done for us, for me, and for our collective people.
#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#abuse tw#i am not sharing this for the sake of pity and i also ask not to be told to divulge my abuse story. that isn't relevant#i have been needing to engage with this topic for a long time though and judaism has helped me a bit in navigating healing#but i decided to share this publicly in the hopes it will help other survivors specifically of familial/parental abuse#i know how it feels (in general). it's so lonely and you can really harbor (understandable) baggage about this particular commandment#i have a meeting with My Rabbi (sponsoring rabbi) and i might bring this up. we've only spoken once face-to-face (zoom)#so that might be really Intense to bring up to him but he is very kind and i trust him (which is why he is My Rabbi)#and he has already told me that he WANTS me to wrestle with g-d and His word *with* him#again i am posting this publicly so i can document my thoughts and keep them straight but also with the hope it MIGHT help others#if it even *casually* inspires another survivor i will feel so grateful (though it is THEIR achievement and not mine to claim)#i want us to survive. i want us to eat well. i want us to smile#i will say that this must be a very sudden whiplash in tone from my last post about sex. from sex to awful horrific abuse#my stream of consciousness is just Like This though in the sense that i have very sudden realizations and tonal whiplashes#so you're just getting a very frank look into how my brain is structured and what my brain thinks are important enough to think about#if i seem much more verbose it's because i needed to write this on my laptop which makes typing and more importantly yapping even *easier*
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Experimentation wip
Guys I am not pregnant but I may have birth and delivered a new art style.
#I finished like half of my wip and tested out new brushes to take a break from grueling school projects#It takes 90% of my energy. the documents man#Like 60+ questions. Questions. Video project#Why you must give me more when marking period just started#I am proud of this despite its wip#I am making this my new art style style asap#hollow knight#hollow knight art#Hollow knight fanart#Nosk#Hk nosk#<- I don't like tagging my wips as that BUT#I AM PROUD#look look
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Reincarnation Bluesverse + Will Wood lyrics
1.1 & 1.2 (couldn't decide which I liked better so have two of them) & 2
Fic: @reblogincarnation-blues's The Mirrored Heart chapter 1
Song: ... well, better than the alternative
3
Fic: @marypsue's What Friends Are For
Song: BlackBoxWarrior - OKULTRA
4 & 5
Fic: @marypsue's Something Borrowed, Something Blues chapter 17
Song: Mr. Capgras Encounters a Secondhand Vanity: Tulpamancer's Prosopagnosia/Pareidolia (As Direct Result of Trauma to the Fusiform Gyrus)
Kept these very fast and loose to try to break out of a creative slump. Based more off of vibes than silly trivial things like canon and facts and anatomy. None of these should be taken literally or metaphorically or physiologically or radiologically. Twice divorced gray eyesed Ian still lives rent free in my head sorry
#ironically forgot the title of the first chapter of tmh lol#had to take a break from the big project because lineart was driving me insane and i miss colors#been going at a snail's pace sorry#transcendence au#gravity falls au#tau art#ian beale#alcor the dreambender#mira ramachandran#rosa darling#reincarnation blues#the mirrored heart#my art#digital art#was aiming for under an hour each#got around 1.3 hours each good enough#chock full of mistakes but i am not looking anymore! time's up#the way i did these kind of self destructed the documents as i went so i can't really go back and fix the things i want to#these are all like older rb ip in the rb renaissance now#there's so much new stuff!!!!! so exciting so many new things i will maybe draw someday#i just think tdge ian is a silly little goober i would put on a hamster wheel
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I've said it before and I'll say it again: Midst is a perfectly-paced show. I know the story arcs are largely outlined, but it is actually astounding how flawless the pacing is given the improv aspect. It's clearly created by people who understand on an intrinsic level when and how plot points need to land in order for it to flow smoothly. Absolute chef's kiss, infinity/10, perfect pacing, no notes because I am in fact taking notes.
#like i do think i am decent at pacing overall but god i want to dissect this plot just to study it#i am in all ways but physical capturing it in a jar with holes in the lid and fervently documenting its movements#midst podcast#there's not really spoilers in this cuz this is an evergreen post it just remains true#god i want to really break this down but it's like. idk man. something something look at it it's on the ceiling#(i do think that should become part of the Tumblr vernacular for when something is just so intrinsic that how do you explain it#if you don't get it you're not gonna get it i can't explain it to you you just have to get it)#did just realize that i started this and the mother trauma post the same way lmao#it's almost like the consistency of this show is spurred by its flawless pacing
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ok. i think the brainfog has maybe cleared enough to continue the bsd watching/studying. onward!
#i never actually got back to it after last time ksdhfskhf#which means i still have to watch the lovecraft fight!!!!#i am not complaining though#time to document my boys being fucking idiots <3<3#me stopping to look through the wikia to see when the fight is: *finds that chuuya appears in like 5 episodes before that*#DAMNIT#we're ignoring those right now actually i just want to watch and document the lovecraft fight.#i'll go back for those probably#ough#shh ac#bsd
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I haven't done one of this in a while but...
Obikin AU set in the regency era where Obi-Wan is a Lord too set in his own ways and who has never felt the desire to be tied down to another, happy to continue the rest of his life as a bachelor.
Despite constant pressure from his grandfather (Count Dooku) to find a spouse and have heirs, Obi-Wan is content to stay as he is. He does not want to stop his dilliances, and even enjoys the fact that they have earned him a reputation of sorts.
(Every girl who is not looking to becoming Lady Kenobi is looking for a night in his bed. And he welcomes them all, uncaring of their marital status.)
Anakin is his housekeeper's son, his pageboy, and a constant presence in his life. He doesn't need to turn around to know that Anakin is nearby, always at the corner of his eye, never out of his sight.
(Anakin loves Obi-Wan, but knows it can never happen. His Lord is too marriage-phobic for him to follow Anakin to the altar.)
Obi-Wan's life is perfect as it is, and he loathes the idea of changing a thing from it, even if it means his family name dies with him.
But then, at a masquarade ball, he meets an alluring young man who takes his breath away. They dance all night — something he never does during the Season — until the bell rings midnight and the young man runs away without looking back.
Obi-Wan becomes obsessed with finding out the identity of the man he can't stop thinking about. But, at the same time, Anakin asks for his help, wanting to learn the ways to win a noble's heart, as the younger man longs to marry and fall in love, something that doesn't sit quite right with Obi-Wan, who always taught Anakin would forever live in his house.
#obikin#obikin au#regency era au#obi-wan kenobi#anakin skywalker#despite what it looks like#i have not seen bridgerton#i have seen the carriage scene from s3 and a couple of gifs from said season#but 't was enough to inspire this#[i am not sorry i laughed at the orchestra arrangement of that pitbul song while penelope gets fingerbnged in a carriage]#unlike the other aus i post in here this one actually has words beyond this in the wip document#[looks at my unfinished fslseaes chapter] it will be fine
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the thing that really gets to me is that mr beast is only 2 and a half years older than me.
that isn't a mark of me chastising myself for my own lack of success, but a harrowing concept of what i could become. if someone such a margin younger than me could let money and clout chasing and fame and algorithms consume them so completely that at 26 years old there is nothing more than a shell of a human being left, it could happen to anyone.
#txt#is this an insane thing to say? maybe. but have you guys read the fucking#leaked how to succeed at mr beast company document#i read it cover to cover. and half of it is shit that i had convinced myself was necessary to do at every job ive ever had.#and i see people screenshotting it and saying look isnt this insane and abusive#to imply your empoyees should do#and i just. it scares the shit out of me and i am not kidding
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Yes hello can someone please explain to me why one of my students submitted their assignment in 6.5 point font???
#he speaks#he teaches#thankfully it was a word document so I just made everything bigger#but when I first looked at it I thought *am I going blind* and then I realized no. it is just Very Small
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looking at videos and pics of peoples pretty sketchbooks always makes me feel weird. so here is what my Perfectly Ordinary sketchbook looks like, that i maybe draw in once every 10 days (if that!) :3
#mine#this is like spot the drawing plan#those little box sketches r often th literal only sketch i do for my cat drawings. im like okay got it#i am good at visualising things with my large and powerful mind#i did a sketch today that looks very. overly ambitious but maybe i will be able to draw it we will. see#i orderd new prints the other day!! yippee!!!#hopefully will b in shop by next friday :3#for my like people illustrations there is a lot more work involved sdkjbsdk#i was thinking abt . documenting my process for this one. maybe i should !
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The Party Animal and the Goth
Duncan tried to tell her before they showed up that this would be different. She should give it a try. It’d been years since the last party she went to with him (she’d been dating Trent at the time to, something Duncan further blamed for her bad time). Maybe she’d like it now. And Duncan wouldn’t leave her alone, he swore. No awkward hanging out by herself and the dog should they have one. And if Trent was there, Duncan would punch him just for her. Blah blah. All sorts of promises. Well. She wasn’t into it. Like she said she wouldn’t be. Duncan fucked off somewhere else. Like she thought he would. And she saw her ex Trent floating around and she was doing everything in her power to avoid any awkward small talk that would ensue the second he saw her again. Like she feared. Of course the party was going to be that predictable. She should have put money on it. And there wasn't even a dog. Around midnight she’d gotten sick of the whole thing. But Duncan was off doing something (hopefully not someone) and Geoff found her. They talked. She mentioned maybe looking for DJ and leaving. But Geoff lit up like she’d just told him he won a prize and her night got a little weird. Instead of just saying bye or helping her find DJ or literally anything else, Geoff was instantly offering to talk her back to her dorm. So that got her where she was now, walking with Geoff away from his party. What the fuck.
Summery: A classic 'Geoff walks Gwen home' story set in the year of 2013/2014, in which Gwen has decided to leave a party early and Geoff has decided he'll walk her home. (College AU, no camp.)
Words: 4,274
Rating: Teen (swearing)
Read Here!
#i needed to get this one out of the scrivener document and elsewhere so i don't rewrite it in another 5 years#total drama#total drama island#tdi gwen#tdi geoff#gwen/geoff#geoff/gwen#does anyone even look for stuff about them as a ship despite them almost being canon liiike#my fic#anyway i will not be writing more total drama fic unless i am taken by the madness again in another 5 years#i didn't realize until i started considering posting this and checked their ao3 tag that this is just the classic geoff/gwen#one shot formula but in my defense i wrote it the first time like 10 years ago so i didn't know that then#anyway woo hoo i'm free!!
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The men ease him onto his side as his body jerks relentlessly. One has to block his hands from clawing at his neck while the other describes the immediate physical effects they observe.
Felix’s body eventually stills and his eyes slowly open, but he has difficulty focusing on any one object in the room. “There you are,” the nurse says, running his hand through the boy’s sweat-soaked hair.
#trying to clean up documents to look for a specific thing i started#the prequel to the posted video one#have not found it yet but found this#which i am deleting (the doc) its not going anywhere BUT#figured i'd pop it on here before deleting the doc#dont know what exactly was happening#lab whump#drugged whumpee#belleview
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#so many elaborate essays on this in my word documents and yet i am posting this as it is#opposite conclusionsssssssssssss... cut so much from both conversations because i didn't want to make it too long but he asks whether lila#read the book before any of this...#there is a discussion here about the nature of being a writer but there is also elena looking for lila in others...#cut that part but how she tells him but not for you... the same words lila uttered to her while they were studying latin...#l'amica geniale#lila cerullo 🫀#elena greco 📝#franco mari#i apologise in advance for the lilafrancopasquale post i will share one day#just. people whose convictions matter more to them than their own being#lila hating herself for sharing this with elena... but she HAD TO... (her) truth is more important than being liked...#she would love my buddy greg#ferranteposting
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So very tempted to make some art or a comic or animation of a Sebastian and Eyefestation fusion
#roblox pressure#pressure sebastian#pressure roblox#sebastian pressure#sebastian solace#eyefestation#I mean they both have kill on sight orders#And I am looking at Pandemonium's document#And having such body horror & Consequence ideas
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genuinely admire those who were optimistic for dishonored 3 but in this videogame industry climate and [insert a 4hr video essay about arkane's recent history here], honestly, not getting dh3 is good news
#dishonored#arkane studios#i know its silly to meme when the take is nuanced#and i admit that blade is one hell of an aesthetic. but i'm sitting out of this#somewhat being a hater yes. but that is because i am a lover#i dont think its pointless hater-ing though to be critical of something i wish i could love more#my takeaway from arkane is that its better to be not a fan of a company. a company does not make games#a company's staff does. and those staff need to be treated well and given budget and breathing room to make good things#and i have my doubts about that at the moment. very well documented and supported doubts#if arkane is given AAA budget to make a game. it probs wont be another dh. except maybe a remake bc those are 'safe' bets.#ie. dh1 remastered would sell#judging by doto and even dh2 (which i loved even tho its flawed). i dont think arkane really 'get' why dh1 was magical#so im not sure that a third in the series could necessarily recapture it#especially as theyve confirmed they're closing the drawer on the current overarching plotline#this is the hater corner celebration! i am pouring you a drink! [pres why does this look like blood?] we like themes n motifs here!#pres rants in tags#anyway mutuals lets make a fan edition of dh3 for shits n gigs
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my favourite passtime is making up incredibly unaccurate armour designs. That's a lie my passtime is researching but this comes at a close second
#[.art]#is it even armour at this point? it's a chestplate with a mantella over it. It's armour to me. In spirit.#oh I dread to maintag this but my blog has to be organised or I get hives so I am in fact putting this in at least his tag#This was mostly an excuse for me to shade metal and draw armour but he's there as a character base because I wanted to put constellations i#Javert#les miserables#les mis#<- the- what was it. The mortifying ordeal of being known? me when I post art I did for fun in my free time#also this file is called knightvert. You should know this#also I got an answer about the constitution in place in 1820 and I regret to inform you that mister Valjean was probably elected lawfully#mostly because he'd been there for the minimum required year in order to be a citisen and be appointed by the prefect as mayor#or by the double decimal process if we go by 1799 law and not the 1814 charter.#not counting the fake identity but alas I do not believe proof of identity was required by law for that so. Dreadfully not added to the lis#which doesn't exclude entirely document forgery because I believe property law comes into the needing proof of identity?#But I've been looking at french law for three days and I need to not read for a week now So I'll check that later
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