#<- the- what was it. The mortifying ordeal of being known? me when I post art I did for fun in my free time

[lesbianwyllravengard]

Nothing more gut wrenching than when one character either literally or metaphorically can't see themselves and another character says "I see you" that shit is breathtaking bro

[anglerflsh]

my favourite passtime is making up incredibly unaccurate armour designs. That's a lie my passtime is researching but this comes at a close second

[hephaestuscrew]

The amount of platonic love and tenderness in Michael's farewell letter to Louisa is off the charts. And one of the signs of that love is the kind of focus Michael places on small mundane things about Louisa. Like the detail with which he describes the ways she laughs: "your short little laugh. Not quite a bark, but a shift so sudden that it has to be genuine. [...] So real, never forced. No melody to it, really, but still musical. Sometimes short and guttural. Sometimes a cackle, like notes going up a scale". Michael describes Louisa's laughter in such a specific way that shows the attention he pays to her and the way he holds her ordinary mannerisms in his mind. He doesn't describe her laugh with the kind of typical compliments that could be seen as generic - it's so clear that these descriptions are specific to Louisa and his memories of her, and there's so much love in that specificity. 

Then there's the story of Michael bringing whiskey back from the kitchen without even realising, and the way he remembers Louisa's expression when she noticed: "everything, everything I needed to know was there, every freckle and contour. There was no judgment. Your face was open, your eyes soft and understanding, your mouth bent into the smallest knowing grin, your expression just barely pinched, just a touch of pain". There's something so profound to me about the level of attention he pays to the details of her expression, and how those small signals communicated something important between them without words.

These are two characters whose relationship has been repeatedly confirmed to be purely platonic (and remaining platonic) both within the podcast and by the show creators. It means so much to me that as part of that platonic dynamic, Michael pays such close loving attention to Louisa, and he remembers these ordinary details even when he's dying and hasn't seen her in months, and he says things like "your face, I could fall into it, like it was a calm lake or a pool. I could fall into it and float."

[raskies456]

man idk

[wanton-votaress]

Thinking about the lengths I would go to to endure the mortifying ordeal of being known

[mouseonvenus-main]

Guys do I change my pfp to something sonic related. Guys I'm on the brink rn do I cave in to my inner 13 y/o boy

[carlsdraws]

my favorite thing about being a person who likes to pick a Thing they like and then do that everyday forever, i love to have a habit, is when people take notice and make it like. part of how they view you. especially when it’s like someone you don’t know well like coworkers, bc then you become the coworker with that thing

[walpu]

hey, hey, I don't know how many times I've read your post "pre-relationship" especially aventurine part (omg i love how you write abt him 😭). I wonder how it will be once they are in a relationship and the kissing part please :3 thank u and have a nice day!

THANK YOUUUUU

Hope you'll enjoy this post too💛💛💛

being in a relationship with Aventurine

characters - Aventurine notes - gn!reader, fluff, hurt/comfort (do I even write something other that hurt/comfort for him lmao), no beta

can be seen as a part 2 of this post but it can stan on it's own as well

Aventurine

It would take quite some time for Aventurine to move from the pre-relationship stage with you. Will dance around the subject, throwing hints and flirty remarks but as for making an actual move? Oof.

Would cling to your side and shamelessly say something like "aww, can't get enough of me? people may think we're dating <З unless that's what you want them to think haha"

Pathetic. /affectionally.

But seriously, he really wants to be sure that you like him before making a move. That you like him, not his money, not the idea of him. At least that's what he tells himself. And while this is part of the reason, the actual thing is that he's simply... confused. He's already more vulnerable around you than he ever was around anyone else. And dating means being even more vulnerable.

While he yearns for this genuine connection he's also a scared of it. Tim Kreider wrote the line "If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known" about him actually.

It would take some time for him to get used to being in relationship. In the previous post I've mentioned that he, most likely, had some short flings in the past. I seriously doubt that he ever had any serious relationship before you though. It's so new to him. At first it would seem like nothing has changed between the two of you at all. Surprisingly, it looks like he even became a bit more distant.

Aventurine doesn't want to attract any unwanted attention to your relationship since it will only endanger you. Plus he doesn't want to overwhelm you. Plus he doesn't want to overwhelm himself. Plus he is scared shitless.

He can't help but feel that he looses everything he holds dear. After all, it's been like that for all of his life. And he simply can't loose you.

Mini spoiler for his leaked character story, but there is a moment there when he looks at the aventurine stone Diamond gave him and he realizes that despite the fact that he worked so hard for it, now that he has it, it holds no real value since it doesn't fill the emptiness inside of him. Logically, he knows that this won't happen with you. He loves you too much. But there's this subconscious fear inside of him that he's just so messed up inside that he simply would not be able to love you like you deserve.

Be patient with him, this mans doesn't know what he's doing. Don't give up on him and he'll crawl to your side, holding onto you for dear life.

Once he will calm down a bit, he'll make it up for all those times when you were the one reaching out to him. Texts you, calls you, arranges spontaneous dates.

In the beginning of relationship would spoil you with expensive gifts. He knows what it's like to have nothing so he doesn't want you to ever feel this way. And the best way to prevent it? To make sure that you will have anything and everything. Maybe it's a subconscious way to bribe you. Maybe. Not like he realizes it himself.

Once he'll feel more stable and more confident, his gift giving tendencies will get less overwhelming. He still like giving you gifts but now he picks and chooses. His sugar darling deserves only the best, after all.

Acts all clingy, playful and unserious but actually listens to your every word and is ready to fulfil your every need.

Is actually very caring. Shows his care by pestering you and easing you tho.

If you feel down, will sit stay by your side. May randomly start tickling you, if you're ticklish. If not, will find another way to touch you in a playful and somewhat annoying way. After you cheer up a bit, Aven will put his chin on your shoulder and hugs your waist, softly asking what happen and why is his dearest darling seems sad.

As for kisses. Aven will loooove covering your face with butterfly kisses. And not only your face. Will randomly grab your hand and kiss your knuckles and fingertips. If you've made a mistake of exposing your shoulder then be ready for it to be kissed endlessly.

Adores kissing those parts of your body that are usually covered with clothes. It feels fore intimate for him.

And if you have freckles or/and beauty marks. Oh well. Will trace them with his fingertips, connecting them with some invisible lines and sometimes gasp playfully, saying that he found his constellation. Just a silly little guy being a silly little guy.

So touch-starved it's unreal.

Has very mixed feeling about his tattoo being kissed. Would feel... weirs if you would kiss it during your casual cuddling session. He exposes it for the world to see, yes. But still, when it attracts attention of someone who knows the meaning behind it... Makes him a bit tense, it catches him off-guard. However, if you kiss it after a lovemaking session or when he shares some painful memories with you, he will feel reassured.

Will slowly start crawling out of his shell when he's with you. Before he only shared some brief memories of his past with you, now he'll start slowly opening up about other, much more painful stuff.

It still happens randomly and out of the blue. He remembers something, he tenses up. But now, instead of repressing this feelings, he shares them with you.

Don't push him too talk, he'll slowly open up on his own.

Loves waking up next to you. Especially if you're still asleep. Seeing the sun shining on your face fills him with love and tenderness. Only with you by his side he feels truly safe.

[a-memory-a-distant-echo]

ok, you know what, fuck it, fic recs post. historically i try not to rec works in progress or things i haven't commented on and i'm throwing that fully out the window for this because honestly, fucking whatever.

if you're on this list and i haven't been fully unhinged at you in the comments, please know that it's because (1) i'm the worst and (2) i'm trying desperately to calibrate so i hit 'enthusiastic' and not 'kind of frightening, actually'. i swear that i have written at least several sentences of a comment for every fic on this list, it's just that i'm genuinely impossibly slow, sometimes. it's me, not you.

my previous rec post is here, in case you missed that. as a bonus, special for this rec list and as a concession to the horrors, i am attempting to guess how much any given fic will fuck up the average person. obviously this is a ymmv kind of situation, but i'm trying, at least?

everything else under a cut because i am longwinded.

and found by @dangerouscommiesubversive, explicit, every possible combination of di feisheng/fang duobing/li lianhua | li xiangyi; bless, but i am not typing all that out. starting off with a wip where i haven't left a comment in like four fuckin' chapters, breaking those rules real good. this fic is a fucking ride. i will admit that i wasn't entirely convinced by the premise when i saw the blurb, but i am nothing if not willing to admit when i was wrong, and i was—once again—totally wrong. this is the fic where i was like 'ok but…is anyone really, like, desperate for gen z li xiangyi?' and then i read it and i was like 'ohhhhhh fuck yeah, ok, i get it, i was actually fully desperate for gen z li xiangyi.' he is. such a little prick. i love him. there has been something unexpected and delightful in every single chapter of this so far, plus a number of impressively memorable one-liners. this fic is fun and distracting and at least as of chapter seven, i'm gonna say it's not even gonna fuck you up. (please note that this is only through chapter seven!)

and the days are bright red by @junemermaid, explicit, di feisheng/fang duobing/li lianhua. rip to my beloved tumblr mutual @junemermaid, because they're getting called out twice in this list, but: tough. this fic is so delightful. featuring: memories of slut era li lianhua, the mortifying ordeal of being known, an entire box of historically accurate sex toys, fang duobing and di feisheng communicating (sometimes silently) in a way that unsettles li lianhua (back from his months-long sojourn), some very hot sex that is both very much about sex and also about trust and being perceived, casual intimacy, and fledgling tenderness. there are Emotions in this, and they get moderately intense, but it's a very kind and surprisingly gentle feel-good fic.

a drink under a clear window by @momosandlemonsoda, explicit, di feisheng/fang duobing and fang duobing/qiao wanmian. a fic that tackles the dreaded v-shaped polycule and makes it work. it seems like perhaps it shouldn't: fang duobing as the hinge, with di feisheng and qiao wanmian on either side, but actually it works perfectly, and is a lovely little glimpse at who they could become and the relationships they could have. i love the thought of qiao wanmian having come into her own as a leader in her own right, as more than just the representative of the ghost of li xiangyi, and this does a wonderful job of letting her be her own person. also, yes, ok, passing fang duobing back and forth like a party favour. this is a post-canon fic in which li lianhua is dead, but the fic itself a straightforward delight that is not at all fucky uppy.

the floating clouds, no resting place, again by @junemermaid (not sorry), technically gen and no ship, but functionally pre-di feisheng/fang duobing/li lianhua. the hair-washing fic. ohhhhhh. i started jotting notes for this post the day that i finished this fic, and i really thought that they were in any way comprehensive, but instead, what i typed and left as a note to myself was this:

and honestly. you're right, hypothetical reader, that doesn't totally make sense, but i stand by it regardless, because i apparently had that thought in [checks date i last saved the file] fucking august, and i'm still nodding along with myself. that is that this is like. this fic is very beautiful and will make you ache and will leave you slightly better at the end of it than you were at the beginning. it may also make you cry; this seems to me a fair enough trade.

the floating lotus by @anndramarama, not rated, di feisheng/li xiangyi. pre-canon stuff doesn't always work super well for me, but i really enjoyed this one, featuring di feisheng and li xiangyi when they're both so young and arrogant and full of themselves—and stupid and naïve and young and almost hopeful in a way that they're often not, in fic, for all that they were barely but children at the point of the donghai fight. they just seem…vulnerable, i guess, in this, in a way that i find touching. seasonal bonus: a ghost story, of a sort. given that this is set pre-canon, i think it's hard to come in any softer than bittersweet, which this very much is.

from here one's hand could pluck the stars by @howlingmoonrise, explicit, di feisheng/fang duobing. sex pollen fic! also featuring, a little surprisingly, given the premise, incredibly explicit and enthusiastic consent. look, this does what it says on the tin. di feisheng gets sex pollened. fang duobing is left to stay with him. the obvious ensues. unfortunately, it is also devastatingly charming? fang duobing is earnest and sweet; di feisheng is suffering beautifully terribly and trying so hard not to impose on fang duobing. they're both trying so hard to be respectful of what the other person needs, but they're also still bratty and argumentative and exasperated/exasperating, and it's very entertaining. this will fuck you up none percent, and may even make you laugh.

my war is done by @orchisailsa, explicit, di feisheng/fang duobing/li lianhua. another wip, with the first of three chapters posted, but please understand that this chapter is nearly 15k and so fucking good and compelling. li lianhua lives! and returns to find that things have changed in his absence, and perhaps that he has also changed in his absence, and now wants things that he had told himself he didn't mind not even having to lose. bonus: road trip and—delight!—only one room at the inn. also some other stuff that i'm not spoiling, but that made me absolutely gleeful. this is definitely a work in progress, and while i don't think there's anything particularly upsetting in the chapter, it does end on something of a cliffhanger. i personally do not feel that this is an upsetting cliffhanger, given the information about the fic that's presented in the tags, but it is technically a cliffhanger.

awkward paragraph break, but it's also important, i think, to mention the absolutely stunning (and not at all safe for work) companion piece to my war is done, you'd be there calling my name, by saki the cup bearer, who i don't think is on tumblr. it's fucking incredible; i am very decidedly not an artist but i cannot begin to imagine how much effort went into this. just. holy shit.

not unlike him in shape and form by @philologicalbat, explicit, fang duobing/li lianhua. ok look. i fucking love when things are deeply emotionally messy, and this is so emotionally messy. li lianhua who's been attracted to fang duobing and not doing anything about it, then discovering that fang duobing is shan gudao's son and is very much going to do something about it. he wants in this, and he's cunty and manipulative and mean about it, and sometimes also almost sweet, almost tender, and i love that, because i feel like li lianhua is very often an object of desire and very rarely gets to desire. i love how human he gets to be in this fic. this is not a sweet or gentle fic, but it does end in a moderately tender place that is tentatively hopeful, i think.

unbecoming heir by @bettercostume, explicit, di feisheng/princess zhaoling. i am taking your hand in mine and begging you to trust me. i know what this fic looks like. it's noncon and a weird pairing and you might look at it and expect it to go in the obvious direction and: it does not. this fic is so good that it makes me angry. it makes me miserable and everyone in this fic is trying so miserably, miserably hard, and it's fucking devastating. i spent literally thirty minutes earlier today yelling at my wife about it. i cannot rec this fic strongly enough. this is not a happy fic, but it is a good fic. it will absolutely fuck you up. this is very complimentary but also you will be fucked up.

until you are its primary evidence by @ilgaksu, mature, di feisheng/fang duobing/li lianhua. the single most effective use of what is effectively a prologue that i've ever seen in fic, are you kidding me. this fic is nothing at all like what i expected it to be, and is something far better than what i could have imagined. it's fang duobing's point of view, which is a rarity already, and it's so well done, and it allows him so much humanity and so much anger and grace alike. there are so many tricky things about this fic—the prologue, the fact that it's set in the amnesia arc, fang duobing's pov, the fact that it actually addresses canonical disabilities and illnesses without being fucking weird about it, the tension between the three of them—and it's all balanced so well. this has some emotionally heavier moments but ends tentatively happily; tentative only because it's set during the amnesia arc, and, well. we know what comes next.

as a final note: if you wrote one of these fics and feel that i've wildly misinterpreted the emotional tenor of the ending, please message me in whatever way you prefer and i will correct it. i would not normally presume to guess how things are likely hit people, as i am in many ways not anyone's ideal reader, but today it seemed like it was kinder to at least try.

[buddierecs]

break up/make up buddie fics

this list has different rated fics, so please look at the rating (no explicit tho) make sure to kudos/comment on these amazing works :)

let the golden hour wash through the room by: hattalove "in which there is a breakup, a doorway, and four years of building a life." word count: 2k rating: teen and up audiences important tags: post-break up, getting back together, ex-lovers after the fire, after all the rain by: wenttoafortuneteller "two weeks after eddie breaks up with buck, a storm traps the two of them together." word count: 5.6k rating: teen and up important tags: post-break up, angst, the mortifying ordeal of being known, getting back together i'll feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe

by: turningthepages

"just another hollywood amnesia story the fandom probably didn't need but lived in my head rent free for too long." word count: 128k rating: mature important tags: married!buddie, car accidents, hurt/comfort, family feels, insecure!evan buckley, future fic in the cracks of lights (i dreamed of you) by: cuddlyobrien "a month after buck breaks up with eddie, he’s trapped underneath rubble with a life threatening injury and asking to speak to eddie over the radio." word count: 4k rating: mature important tags: near death experiences, post-break up, dispatcher!eddie diaz when it comes back to you by: giselleslash "the one where eddie and buck meet when they work together on eddie’s uncle’s ranch, and again when eddie walks into the 118 eight years later." word count: 21k rating: mature important tags: different first meeting au, first love, internalised homophobia, emotional hurt/comfort, soft!buddie, boys in love, past and present timelines all these broken hearts, but mine's the one bleeding by: smilingbuckley "buck figures out a new step-parent struggle when he has to discipline christopher, and the boy tells him buck isn't his father. this causes buck to spiral, thinking christopher disagrees with buck being his step-parent, so he breaks up with eddie even though he's madly in love with him. what he doesn't realize is that chris is becoming a teenager, and teenagers say stupid shit like that when they're angry at their parents." word count: 5k rating: mature important tags: miscommunication, emotional hurt/comfort, fighting, step parenting freedom ain't nothing but missing you by: justhockey "it was a gentle love, so warm that buck couldn’t ever fully believe that he deserved it. so he had to go and ruin it, because that’s all buck is good for, all he knows how to do." word count: 4.7k rating: not rated important tags: insecure!evan buckley, protective!eddie diaz, emotional hurt/comfort, idiots in love i was getting kinda used to being someone you loved by: zashizawa "eddie and buck break up and find their way back to each other." word count: 2.7k rating: not rated important tags: angst, hurt/comfort, hurt!eddie diaz, crying, getting back together my words are paper tigers by: hattalove "buck breaks up with eddie, even if it means losing a part of himself, because it's the right thing to do. the universe decides to test that conviction." word count: 19k rating: teen and up important tags: time loop, pining, angst, temporary character death, emotional hurt/comfort, happy ending home by: bccalling "nine weeks after he and eddie ended things, buck finds the ring. post break-up au." word count: 2.8k rating: teen and up important tags: post-break up, angst with happy ending, TW: suicidal thoughts, self-hatred

waiting room (two part fic) by: goforeddie "buck and eddie break up, buck and eddie make up" word count: 2.8k rating: general audiences important tags: emotional hurt, boys in love, angst, pining, getting back together without you by: orphan_account "a buddie sweet home alabama au" word count: 43k rating: mature important tags: exes to lovers, married buddie, falling in love again, jealous!evan buckley, hurt/comfort, getting back together

[who-is-page]

Consider Community Writings

Author: Page Type: Essay Words: 920 Summary: Page talks about the importance of personal writings, but acknowledges that they may not be for everyone (including himself). A discussion on the oft-overlooked relevancy of community writings and why you, the person reading this summary, should try to make some.

[Part of the Sol System’s Alterhuman Writing Project for 2024. If you don’t want to see these posts, block the tag #inkedclaws]

There are thousands upon thousands of intricate, detailed writings about individuals’ personal alterhuman experiences and identities. These intimate pieces are a foundational part of our community: in recording its history, in leaving tracks and marks of the ways we’ve changed it (and in turn been changed by it), and in inspiring others to do the same. I can’t emphasize enough how important these types of works are to the very essence of alterhuman subculture and its continuation. As an archivist, I always strive to encourage people to talk about their unique experiences for these reasons. After all, if you don’t write about your experiences, no one will.

But, as an artist myself, only a small fraction of my works talk about my own personal alterhumanity— on my website, only 11 of the 33 pieces that I’ve written go into detail on specifically my alterhumanity (these numbers are excluding essays posted elsewhere that haven’t been posted on the website yet, but let’s assume that the 1 out of every 3 ratio holds). For such a big proponent of folks writing about themselves, at first glance it would appear that I’m not practicing what I preach! Most of what I write isn’t about me!

But that’s the thing: for all that I encourage and want to see people writing about themselves, I also want everyone to recognize that the community is not owed sensitive or intimate information about you if you’re genuinely uncomfortable with sharing it. You don’t have to expose your sensitive underbelly for acceptance. You can write about yourself as much or as little as you want, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is the caveat that you won’t be able to experience the euphoria of being understood by others unless you submit to that mortifying ordeal of being known, but how much of yourself you want to put out there is always your choice to make. And for all that we rightfully celebrate personal writings within the community, there are other extremely important types of written work that I don’t often see talked about in this regard enough: perspectives on community phenomena, history, terminology, and similar.

One-off works that discuss the community and aspects of it are invaluable time capsules. They let us glimpse into the ways the community has changed or stayed the same and they show us what people found important, when, and what aspects of it. They show the rhetoric and discourse that was actively being used, and which may not still be in use five or ten years down the line (or may be used in radically different ways). And years in the future they sometimes provide sources and links that would have otherwise disappeared to the sands of time, or otherwise by themselves go on to be used in dozens of other projects and works. While they’re something that can’t necessarily be written by someone who’s only just found the community for the very first time and doesn’t understand it well, that factor also makes them that much more vital for not only historical preservation, but also for folks who are still learning and exploring about it. It gives them information into the community side of alterhumanity, a glimpse into the things that are interwoven collectively between us all and why and how we see ourselves as a community.

It used to be that it was much more common for individual otherkin to have their own F.A.Qs and personal glossaries on their blogs, but nowadays it isn’t something you see often, if at all. And I wish it weren’t the case! I want there to be more F.A.Qs, more personal glossaries, more introductory resources, more discourse essays, more guides, more satire pieces, and more timelines. I love the ways we celebrate ourselves individually, but I also don’t want people to feel like they have to restrict their non-fiction writing to only ever being strictly about themselves. The commentary that people have on the community around them and their place in it is important and relevant— even if it’s the same subject by different people! It’s all useful, it allows us to preserve more of our community history, and at the end of the day, it’s also just downright fun.

I’ve made so many things that boil down to: please write. And this essay might be wearing a different shirt than some of my others, but its message still stays the same. If you’re shy, or anxious, or just don’t want to talk about yourself in detail, that’s fair and understandable. I don’t want people to feel pressured into putting information out there about themselves that they’re uncomfortable with, though I do want to empower everyone to say “fuck you!” to respectability politics and flaunt their unique perspectives and experiences. But if that is something that’s just never going to gel with you (or even if personal writings are something you enjoy writing), I want you to consider every time you’ve had a strong opinion about something in the community, or every time there was a community event or group or time period you found especially fascinating or emotional to experience, or every time you’ve seen someone ask a question that you’ve seen a thousand times before and felt compelled to answer. And I want you to give writing about it a shot. Because if not you, who? And if not now, when? You might end up finding these types of things more fun or satisfying to write than you could’ve ever imagined.

[fumifooms]

Marchil crumbs masterpost

Because I can and I will. Someone already made a tiny one way back but I lost it idk if it was here or on reddit… And we’re so small that we have no tag… I can’t credit you sorry marchil warrior you are not forgotten. I’ll definitely updating this whenever I find a new crumb. We’ve already reached the 30 pics cap part 2 coming soon. They do interact a ton I suppose. As always it’s not because I put moments on here that I’m saying they’re inherently romantic blablabla.

Part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6 - part 7

My vision: Unstoppable force vs immovable object. Corrupt (money) bitter divorcee and corrupt (magic) hopeless romantic. Emotional constipation vs emotional intelligence. Streets savvy vs prestigious academic. Girl with the longest lifespan possible who has trauma over loss x guy with the shortest lifespan who has trauma over past romance. They would take their romantic interest to the fricking grave.  Halfling vs elf. Emotionally distant vs clingy and needy… Not that Chilchuck doesn’t seek her attention plenty ngl. By all means they are so incompatible and yet their dynamic is so delightful, opposites certainly do attract if Kui’s to be believed because these two constantly drift towards each other.

To me they're the embodiment of "If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known". Oh actually that'd apply to Laios and Dunmeshi as a whole as well-

She’s his worst nightmare. Opening up to someone?? The audacity to ask that of him. She raises his blood pressure to dangerous levels. He would risk his life for her.

—

HIS WORST NIGHTMARE (what he needs). She's classified as a friend who won’t shut up btw Notice how on the dating sim chapter cover, the clicky hand is always on the choice he ended up choosing in canon except for two, Falin’s and Marcille’s. Meaning he may have hesitated on it, on telling her she was pretty? She’s front and center~

It’s notable that Marcille is the main victim of his teasing, he criticizes Laios and everyone plenty but teasing is done much more towards her than anyone else, and we can see that it is something he enjoys. Perhaps one of the things that put him in a good mood the most, besides alcohol and laughing at others in general lol. Here’s a post compiling a lot of that teasing: link

He often confronts her about things and teases/insults her but it's always without any real animosity, sometimes having problems with her actions but never disliking her.

She craves his approval? More likely than you think.

Chilchuck having a sparkly flustered Marcille on his mind and failing to pull her ponytail so she'd give him her attention the right way, then being devastated when she claps back lol. For as much as he teases her, she’s very much able to stand up for herself when it goes too far and to challenge him on some flaws he may have.

Marcille’s canon shapeshifter of Chilchuck is the most convincing one/last one standing! In which he was nicer because Marcille still had some trouble not seeing him as young and thus innocent. Which besides the whole age thing, her having an accurate but nicer version of Chilchuck in her mind is pretty flattering lol

In the earlier chapters they stick by each other the most, often sharing knowing glances and judging the other together. They share this complicity and "wow finally someone sane in this party" energy that none of the others have in quite that way. Comrades in disgust.

-----

He cannot escape her gossip, she will not rest until she knows all and has met his family and romanticized his life and relationships. She’s the one who pushes Chilchuck to be more open about himself the most. Which, we do also see her being jealous when Chilchuck opens up more to others instead of her, like pic below. Moreover, we see that she’s able to read him like a book to the point that it freaks him out!! Oh the horror of being known… Relationship goals, freak him out bc you understand him so well Oh can I just point out as well that they're the only ones who saw each other's succubus. Like wow knowing each other's most alluring form? Dayum

When doing her theory about what happened between him and his wife, the pictures where her roleplaying as his wife, like literally with her being a half-foot like in the changeling chapters and the mini chilchuck for a baby lmaooo. Which I just now realized that means Marcille’s question about if his wife has blonde hair is valid, we technically don’t know if he already liked blondes or if it’s an acquired taste. Give me a sec to recover from that-

But yeah Marcille is so people-obsessed that she catalogues every little detail about someone, like how Chilchuck complains when he has to wait after someone… She notices things and takes them in stride even if they’re flaws. (In first page, it's the bottom row middle panel)

She wanted to sleep in his bed when Izutsumi was being clingy and she didn't want to sleep alone <3

Here he goes to her to either help her stay upright or comfort her… Uncharacteristic of him but very sweet. What are you gonna do if she collapses on you big guy, collapse along in a show of solidarity?

He's been shown to make sure Marcille stays safe a few times as well, like below. No I will not accept "she's the healer of the party" as a full explanation. He really does get an arc, from not wanting to be anywhere near the battlefield to sticking by his party members. Unlike Laios, Senshi and Izutsumi they both tend to hang in the back in battles, I love how they often strategize together as well.

The reverse is also sometimes true. Especially with how non-shy Marcille is with physical contact, interestingly she's way less delicate about saving others than him lol.

He’s the only one shown to flinch when she makes a noisein the bath which leads me to think he’s the one most flustered by the whole Marcille changing and bathing close by thing, it prob doesn’t help that he has great hearing but yeah, he seems to be hyperaware of her presence in those instances and overreacts.

"Come with me and braid my hair every day!" Meanwhile Chilchuck is fighting for his life holding her at an arm’s length

I can’t believe this is on his ADVENTURER’S BIBLE DESCRIPTION like that thing is one big paragraph about his whole character and you allotted that important limited space for this. Kui do you hear yourself

Part 2 here

[flores-desyatov]

hi i've been in my feels a little bit since vanya posted the family pics and i just need to share it with someone. i am very much following all the competition updates and polls and rankings and techical elements and sport mumbo jumbo, but that's not what i'm in the mood to talk about. i need to rant about mushy emotional things.

i don't know, i just feel like this partnership/friendship/whatevership that b&v have has helped them so much in growing into good grown people and we're still only at the start of it. i can see it in vanya specifically. over the course of this last year he's becoming softer and more relaxed in his own skin and his new life. you can tell that this place bella lead him to has allowed him to be more carefree than he was before. which is especially important considering he lost his parents so young and had to leave his home to escape war. all people he knew before coming to the us, sadly including his brother, he has to chase around the world to actually be with them in real life. places he considered important to him he won't be able to see for years. i can't imagine not being able to see my family home or visit my family cemetary. those are very emotionally difficult things to deal with at such a young age and of course i'm just a spectator on the internet, but i feel like this place he managed to find half way across the world is safe and caring. and he found it by meeting the world's sweetest girl. a girl that believes in herself in spite of the odds and loves people very openly. she is fucking lightning in a bottle and her smile could power cities!!! people like that are rare to find and that girl is his partner. her energy and light make it so easy to forget how hard life can be. it's such an admirable quality of character. it's why people connect to her and her videos, she's welcoming and she radiates warmth and joy. she spreads it wherever she goes. i just find all of that so very moving. there's something so vulnerable and human in their circumstances. because if you really dissect it, them becoming partners saved her career and his life. they found each other by chance, managed to understand each other beyond language barriers and chose to do this thing they love more than anything else together. he repaired the trust her ex-partner broke. he never lets her doubt herself and always tries to catch her when she falls. she gives him peace and space to be childish and silly, even if it's at her expense. again i'm just a spectator, but i think he makes her bolder and she makes him softer. whatever they may be to each other, there's no doubt that they truly enjoy one another. i think that's the exact thing people get so attached to beyond the whole will-they-won't-they booktok fantasy. they make each other grow and you can feel it!!

sorry for waxing poetic about random athletes we found on the internet hahaha. there's just something very "mortifying ordeal of being known" about them, you know? kinda makes me slightly believe that the right circumstances will just find you when you least expect them.

My first instinct was to kinda deflect and say they're in their 'character development era' but honestly this is just such a beautiful message you sent here. I just wanna let it see the light of day (hope you don't mind) because I'm sure others have felt the same about B&V. I know I have.

It's part of what makes their chemistry to interesting to watch. Here are two people who have found themselves in the same place (for a second time), both of them with a dream of success, both of them going through a big change, adjusting to a new reality and still managing to make each other better people in the process. It's a beautiful story, even from the outside looking in 🤍

[pebblume]

I never realized how liberating writing fanfiction would be. I hadn’t written creatively in years. It’s been so long that I kind of forgot what it felt like. The childlike rush of pouring your heart out onto a blank page, not caring about the results as long as you were having fun. I’ve tried writing fanfic a couple of times, for different fandoms across the years, but never finished anything I was really happy with, nothing that I felt comfortable sharing with the world. But something just clicked for me this past week. I realized how much fun it was to stretch out my writing muscles, to get inside the heads of my favorite characters. I realized that it didn’t have to be perfect to be worthy of being shared and loved by others. I realized that I had so many stories inside myself - more than I thought possible. 

But perhaps what I’m most in awe of is fanfic readers. The people who read my work and leave kudos and bookmarks and comments - one word comments, sweet comments, silly comments, paragraph-long comments. I love them all. I used to be afraid of leaving comments on AO3, afraid I wouldn’t have enough words, wouldn’t have the right words, to depict how I felt. But when I felt firsthand how much those comments meant to me I started leaving more and more of them, spreading a digital paper trail of love to all my favorite authors. More and more often I recognize the profile names and images in my comment section and think, Hey, I know you! Now I’m not just a guest on AO3, or a passive reader. I belong here. 

I won’t lie and say I don’t miss drawing a bit, my previous creative outlet. There are plenty of drawings inside me too, itching to be realized. I really just don’t have the time for two time extensive hobbies, not when I need to balance school and practicing and little things like sleeping and eating and relaxing. I miss it, but not as much as I thought I would. There’s a level of investment to sharing a story online that feels…special. When I post my art, I get engagement, and it feels nice, but ultimately, most people are only spending about ten seconds looking at the work I spent eight hours on, if that. When someone reads my fics, we’ve now spent time together. You’ve lived inside my head for a bit, made it your home. It’s about feeling seen, I think. Writing makes me feel understood in a way visual art sometimes doesn’t. It makes me feel vulnerable in the same way performing music does, but less exposed too. It’s interesting to me. 

The only downside, if you can call it that, is now that the writing bug has infected me, I’m finding it harder and harder to stop. I’ll have an idea and then suddenly five hours have flown by because I’m on a creative streak and I just want to write one more idea down, which turns into two, and so on and so forth. I dread stopping, because what if I forget something? What if I get into a writing block later? Suddenly I have people who want to read the things I write and I want to provide it, I really do, but I also have responsibilities. I say, as I write this, ignoring my audition tomorrow afternoon. 

I still have a bit of embarrassment attached to fandom works. When I tell acquaintances that I like to draw or write, I rarely tell them I mean fanart and fanfiction. As if loving something that deeply, that sincerely, is inherently shameful in this age of irony and soulless remakes. Especially when my interests usually consist of media marketed towards children, nevermind the fact that it has more emotional maturity than most ‘adult’ works. But I’m trying to get better about it. A lot of my closest friends know about my hobbies, and some I’ve even let see my work. It’s terrifying but also giddying, seeing them like an art post or comment on a fic. After all, to reap the rewards of being loved, one must submit themselves to the mortifying ordeal of being known, or something like that. 

I realized today that I’ve written over 30,000 words in the past two weeks about about two characters who don’t belong to me, but whom I’ve made my own.

And I’ve never felt happier

[odessa-castle]

I'm bouncing around a larger post about Nishiki and the mortifying ordeal of being known, but in the meantime I'm thinking about Nishiki and Kiryu and how the clothes make (or don't make) the man. Like, beyond my visceral horror that Kiryu begged Nishiki to pick out a safe and boring suit for him in Y0 and then said he was envisioning something purple with gold stripes.

I'm thinking about Nishiki's incredible sensitivity to image and his need to control how he's perceived. I'm thinking about Kiryu's inability to let go of the past. I'm thinking about how KIryu dresses like who he thinks he is, and Nishiki dresses like who he thinks he wants to be.

There's some interesting incidental dialogue between Nishiki and Kiryu in Y0 while they're en route to the men's suit store. I wish it wasn't so easy to miss, because there's a lot to unpack here. (I'm just transcribing the English in-game subtitles here; I don't speak Japanese so I have no idea how loose vs. direct the localization is in this part.)

NISHIKI: …now that I think about it, you've been dressing like an old man since we were kids. KIRYU: Have I? NISHIKI: Yeah. The few times we got to pick our clothes, it was always like, "you're choosing THAT?" NISHIKI: I wouldn't say you're a plain guy…You'd pick shirts with weird prints though. KIRYU: Guess I forgot all that. It's weirder to me that you haven't. NISHIKI: Well, confession time. You're why I started caring about fashion. I swore I'd never go out dressed like you. KIRYU: Come on, I'm not THAT bad. [we have already discussed why kiryu is, in fact, that bad.] NISHIKI: [laughing] Aww, did I hurt your feelings? NISHIKI: Well, this time you've got me with you. I'll see my bro gets taken care of. KIRYU: Heh. What an honor. NISHIKI: Leave it to me.

Nishiki doesn't bring up Sunflower Orphanage much; when he does share memories of his childhood, those memories are kind of painful (see: "do orphans not get to dream?"). Kiryu's surprised that Nishiki remembers how they dressed as kids, but it makes sense that wearing a limited selection of hand-me-downs stuck with Nishiki so strongly. His clothes announced his poverty, and they weren't even his -- he had to share them with the other orphans, so what he wore showed he belonged to yet another stigmatized group. And I'm sure people picked up on those visual signals, especially other kids. Kids can be vicious, and appearance is an easy and immediate target! We don't know for sure how young Nishiki interacted with his peers and teachers, but given what the Morning Glory kids go through in Y3 (and given, like, everything about Nishiki), he probably didn't have a great time.

Kiryu frames his childhood as poor but loving, and places much more emphasis on the latter. There might be some rose-colored glasses at work there -- let's look at the flashback where Kazama tries (and fails) to violently dissuade Kiryu and Nishiki from joining the yakuza.

KIRYU: I owe you everything, but this isn’t about that. [...] We’ve looked up to you for all this time. Your car. Your confidence… The way everybody bows to you. We idolized you. I want that life, too. Is that so wrong!?

Nishiki doesn't really speak in this flashback, but like, Kiryu uses "we" enough for us to draw some obvious conclusions about Nishiki's own motivations. That being said, I don't think Kiryu's being dishonest or disingenuous when he describes his childhood as happy, and himself as well-loved. He's not ashamed of his upbringing, and he doesn't hide where he came from. Nishiki seems to have the inverse view. It's not that he doesn't love (at least some of) the people he grew up with, but what comes up first for him is what he didn't have. He didn't have money. He didn't have respect. He didn't have a cure for his little sister. He didn't have a lot of choice, right down to the clothes he wore.

(There's a whole other essay here about why Kiryu's and Nishiki's perspectives diverge on this, but I'm trying to limit the scope of this post. Suffice to say that, while I don't think game canon gives a timeline, I do think Nishiki was a little older when his parents were killed -- old enough that he actually remembers them, at least.)

The same mindset fuels Nishiki's interest in fashion. Yeah, part of it is that he's ribbing Kiryu, but I think it goes deeper than Kiryu wearing ugly shirts. Nishiki doesn't want people to look at him and see what's missing. Fashion isn't a means of personal expression for him, really. It's a message. It's the interplay of knowledge and resources and presentation: knowing what clothes read as successful and trendy and expensive, being able to afford those things, and convincing people that your successful important outfit makes you a successful important person. And he's not wrong about the social dimensions of fashion.

NISHIKI: Try sporting a suit that runs 500 grand for once. Trust me, you’ll see the world in a whole new light. KIRYU: Fashion’s not my thing. Besides, Kazama-san never wore flashy clothes. NISHIKI: You do realize he’s the family captain, right? Number two in the whole Dojima operation? You get to that level, you can wear whatever you damn well please. But for the rest of us, “flashy” is part of the business. KIRYU: So that fancy new car you bought was just “business”. NISHIKI: Yeah, and that fancy lighter of mine, too. Which you still haven’t given back. KIRYU: You want to play the rich guy, quit being so stingy. NISHIKI: But you get what I’m saying, right? People see the expensive car, the designer jacket, and the gleam of that little Dojima pin, they pay attention. A yakuza’s only as good as his image. [...] Take your buddy today. These squeaky-clean idiots, borrowing money just to blow on tits and booze… Nobody in this town gives a crap about substance. What you see is what you get.

That's our first take on one of the major themes of the game: what does it mean to be yakuza? Again, there is truth to what Nishiki's saying here, particularly in terms of the ethos of the eighties. I'm not an expert on the bubble era, but the worldbuilding in the game speaks for itself. People hail taxis with 10,000-yen bills. You punch money out of punks during random street battles. Nishiki keeps a personal bottle of high-end booze at a bar he's visited twice, mostly because he "can’t stand being taken for a bum." The act of spending is important, not what you're spending it on.

Nishiki's outfit in Y0 is perfectly suited (heh) to that outlook. And look, I might be inviting controversy here, but in context, I think it's a werq. Yes, it's loud. But the silhouette -- squared shoulders, single breasted, thinner peaked lapel -- is right on trend for the time period, and it fits him well. The colors look good on him. The bold pattern (no, it's not animal print) under the solid maroon is a risk, but he pulls it off. And excess aside, he knows when to pull back on the accessories. It's bright and confident and memorable, and boy would Nishiki like to be all of those things.

Also -- and importantly -- Kiryu would never go out dressed like that. Because we can't talk about Nishiki and Kiryu without talking about Nishiki's Mt. Fuji-sized inferiority complex. Mastering image doesn't just make Nishiki stand out; it makes him stand out from Kiryu. Let's go back to the beginning of the game.

NISHIKI: I’ll admit, though, you’re finally starting to look the part. You make a pretty convincing yakuza. You’re done with collections today, right? KIRYU: Yeah. NISHIKI: Good. That should put Kazama-san’s mind at ease a bit. KIRYU: Heh, dunno about that. But he always knew all I could do is fight. You’re the one who’s good at the dance.

Nishiki then calls attention to the "rags" that Kiryu's wearing, which...is not an unfair assessment. (TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT, KIRYU. HEM YOUR PANTS.) As the two of them walk around Kamurocho, Nishiki offers Kiryu plenty of hot tips, from meeting girls to making big bucks to cozying up to the brass. But even when Nishiki's opining on his area of expertise, there's a competitive edge to it. "You asking me to pick out clothes for you means you admit you have terrible taste," he tells Kiryu on the way to the suit shop. Kiryu tells him to shut up, but there's no actual hurt behind it. Kiryu doesn't really care that his taste in clothes sucks. Fashion isn't important to him. Most of the things Nishiki knows so much about don't really matter to Kiryu. And that makes Nishiki feel more insecure! Because if Kiryu rolls out of bed looking like a yakuza, if Nishiki's image counseling sessions aren't helpful or meaningful, if Kiryu can skip the dance and get to the top on the strength of his fists and convictions, then who cares about Nishiki's 500 grand suit or his hourlong hair care routine? If image isn't what makes a yakuza, what does that make Nishiki?

At the end of Chapter 6, Nishiki tries to look out for Kiryu again -- this time, by granting him a merciful death before the Dojima Family drags him to the Hole. It's one of my favorite scenes in the game. Nishiki's crying too hard to aim the gun properly; Kiryu tells him to man up and shoot. Finally, Nishiki collapses.

NISHIKI: Can’t do it… How could I shoot you!? Without you, I’ll always be nothing. Can’t make it as a yakuza… No. I wouldn’t even still be alive now if I didn’t have you beside me! I’m just… If you’re not with me, I’m useless! Nothing means anything!

Mastering image hasn't granted Nishiki anything of substance. At the end of the day, Nishiki's playing dress-up, and he knows it.

And I'm almost certainly getting into overthinking-this territory now (if I haven't gotten there already), but I kind of like the spin this puts on Nishiki ripping his expensive suit off in Chapter 14 when he decides to fight the Dojima Family at Kiryu's side. Like yes, ripping off your outer layers to get at the naked (so to speak) truth -- your irezumi, and what it represents -- is just Yakuza Storytelling 101. It's decisive, it's kind of dumb, it's great, it gets me hyped every time. But I like that Nishiki's honest answer to "what does it mean to be a yakuza?" isn't about looking the part. I am genuinely trying not to end this paragraph by saying that Nishiki must become like a dragon, but like...you get where I'm going with this.

Of course, Nishiki's back to playing dress-up in Y1/Kiwami. I'm not the first to call the Patriarch Nishikiyama look a glow-down (though I like the patterned white tie). Like, fashion-conscious Nishiki would look good in a Hedi Slimane/Tom Ford-esque skinny black suit. But he picks a silhouette you'd expect to see on a much older man, torso-swallowing pants and all. The slicked-back hair doesn't help. He's just so transparently trying to look bigger and broader and older, and he doesn't pull it off. Big Bad Patriarch isn't a good look for him, in any sense of the phrase.

A final thought: Kiryu's clothes, and Nishiki's commentary on them, are the subject of their first conversation in Y0 -- and of their last. Kiryu's costume progression in Y0 is a pretty obvious commentary on his journey, to the point where Kiryu and Nishiki explicitly call attention to the color connotations in their final exchange. As a Dojima grunt, he wears black, and it doesn't look good on him because "brutish thug who keeps his head down and does what he's told" isn't a role he's comfortable with. He wears white when he works in real estate, but the change in color isn't enough to sell anyone on his transformation into a civilian. Although it's a little rich for Oda "Red Clown Shoes" Jun to chide someone for not wearing a proper suit. At the end of the game, Kiryu's in his classic grey suit, and well, the game spells it out:

KIRYU: I’m not feeling black or white these days. This is where I’m at right now. I chose it myself. I’m making it a fresh start. NISHIKI: Fine, fine. See if I care! Wear it the rest of your life!

Nishiki, dismayed, tells Kiryu that the grey suit already looks dated, but for Kiryu, "fresh start" doesn't mean "on trend". His image might be out of step with how other yakuza view themselves, or want to be seen, but if he's always going to look like a yakuza, he might as well stake his claim on what being a yakuza means. Still, it's telling that, even as a young man, Kiryu looks like a throwback to an earlier era. As the series progresses, the games hammer this home more and more. How many antagonists tell Kiryu that he's out of touch with the modern world, that he represents a version of the yakuza that no longer exists, that it's time for him to make way for the next generation?

"Wear it the rest of your life!" is a funny little in-joke, yeah, but...it's a little sad when you think about it, isn't it? Kiryu gets new outfits from Y3 on -- and in every game, he ultimately puts the suit back on and heads to Kamurocho. It's exactly of a piece with how Kiryu views being yakuza. We, and he, can debate the exact extent of his retirement from the Tojo Clan's affairs, but the yakuza isn't a career for Kiryu, it's a set of beliefs he carries with him. He wears the suit the same way he wears the dragon on his back: as an indelible part of his self-image.

[kradeelav]

so i've got two strips going in parallel.

(this is a long 'talking shop' post about how both comics are diverging in visual style for different reasons.)

the first strip (I'm calling it 'combat instructor' for now) is the gunter/corrin porn comic i've wanted to do for ages, lol. me fucking around with hentai tropes, but also having fun subverting some Stuff with making the fanservice about him.

fanservice, see? :3c

keen eyes will notice i really like the textured inky style i used in 'dead is calling' - it was quick, it's got a slick dynamic sinister masculine quality, but with enough shades of "regular manga inking" so i'm re-using that for this one to block in the characters especially in the latter half of <combat instructor>.

(you see how deceptively simple that style is in the below two images from 'dead is calling' - it's actually very hellsing inspired with the high contrast almost graphically "flat" quality.)

that wasn't really working for the few backgrounds in this new strip though, which i kind of needed to just... fade as a more neutral color. so i started messing with my watercolor brushes, which are working so far here - i think the inherent messiness of the watercolors-as-shading will mesh well with the inking, and the surprisingly more intimate parts of eros. (rendering boob shine, gonads, etc)

pause on that.

this other strip... really should be titled 'the mortifying ordeal of being Known'.

it's uh. haha. it's about my self insert in fe: heroes (spin off gacha game) and meeting a few of the characters. (it's so much more than that with the emotional core - i ain't gonna explain everything but yumijoshi will Get This one on a level everyone else won't - but that's essentially what happens.)

it's also much less serious than the 'combat instructor' strip in a lot of ways. a good half of it is ribbing fe: heroes' gameplay (ultimately being a gacha/gambling game) but the latter half ... deals with a lot of delicate emotional undercurrents? more so than the other one which is just straight up uncomplicated porn.

so i waffled on the style for the longest time, feeling like it needed a much "lighter" (almost shoujo/romantic/dreamy style) - but trying to do precise delicate thin lines almost murdered my momentum on the YRMR epilouge strip. (gotta keep the momentum going.)

on the other hand, i was going fast enough with the watercolor approach for the backgrounds in the 'combat instructor' strip and wondered if the looseness couldn't be applied to the whole panel here, almost like scalera's work - the above is a great proof of concept to see how it works in action. watercolors have that soft dreaminess that works with the subject matter (emotional distance vs closeness etc), and more importantly, i can draft out the basic value/dynamic shapes quickly without getting hung up on specific parts.

i was getting stuck on anna (ponytail lady) in the above part when it was just the lines, but being able to block out the values of her hair vs the other character's outfit vs the background in five minutes is ... enormous.

that's the easy part.

hard part is making this consistent for ~20 pages :D;