#i am gay and mentally ill

[emoclownemoji]

tagged by @milfcoded to post 8 shows to get to know me better (sorry it took forever!)

tagging @mistoffeleesisawitch @juanitasupreme @aemond1eye @theaftermandeluxe2013  @alyswesthill

And anyone else who wants to!

in no particular order:

• Pushing Daisies (2007) - Lee Pace baking pies and solving crimes??? The dialogue is my favorite, it’s so punchy and fun and I never get tired of it. The show is perfect and I hate that it got cancelled so soon. The way everything is getting a reboot/sequel show but not this??? It’s homophobia. One of the only shows I can actually rewatch again and again.

• Elementary (2012)- We were ROBBED of Natalie Dormer’s Moriarty. Lucy Liu as Joan Watson is the loml. I have never cared about Sherlock but I had such a fun time watching this show. The writing is top notch and while it is copaganda, it is fun copaganda.

• Crazy Ex-girlfriend (2015) - Rachel Bloom knows me and my trauma and my mental illness so well she wrote several songs about it. But seriously it’s such a good show and it handles mental illness in such a good way. The series finale actually feels satisfying which is rare for me. I sing most of the songs like every day. Several of them are on my mental breakdown playlist. So good, 10/10.

•The Flash (2014) - You know what I don’t get tired of Iris telling Barry to just run faster. Like I’m sorry Iris West is just that girl, and she needs to get more props for kickstarting the trend of robbing redheads of their representation. Candice Patton is the loml. This show is bad and cringe and gone on for too long but sometimes I just need a show where the hero saves the day because he loves his family and friends.

• Succession (2018) - They’re all horrible horrible people....but I could fix Shiv Roy. Listen I’m part of the succession hive since season two and I love it. Sometimes HBO prestige tv is good.

• Real Housewives of Potomac (2016) - They are the best houswives of the moment. After rhony and rhobh started to flop and rhoslc was filled with trump stans we needed a hero, and rhop came through. I root for these ladies, and I cry for these ladies.

• Dickinson (2019) - ....Alena Smith owes me millions in emotional damages. I cannot believe that Hailee Steinfield isn’t a little gay like she’s too good at playing gay. The writing is flawless, every season makes me bawl, emily and sue are just those girls and no one else comes close.

• Interview with the vampire (2022)- I’ve never been an Anne Rice vampire gay but I’m gonna have to be now. The writing is my favorite. The dialogue is legit poetry. They’re so gay and so dramatic. I never liked Lestat until Sam Reid, he just did what tom cruise could not. Also I will miss Bailey Bass so much as Claudia.

[beanghostprincess]

how can somebody watch one piece and not think they're in a poly relationship

[foxett]

Holy flip!! Fully colored suntan post?? Decently done grass??? Someone pinch me (day 10 suntan)

[lee-isnotcool]

i can't decide if i'm in love with sirius black or just want to be him

[ickypuppi3]

billy’s mom waking him up while it’s still dark, whispering even though neil’s working the night shift. it’s a couple days before his tenth birthday and she’s telling him they’re going to have their very own adventure, just like the ones in billy’s books. she grabs an already packed suitcase from under billy’s bed and kisses him on the nose, tells him to get dressed quick. the two of them leave in an old beat up yellow bug that she managed to get for a third of the asking price and keep parked around the corner until now. they stay with friends and jump from place to place so neil can’t track them down. billy gets used to surfing couches and staying in motels.

he spends his tenth birthday in a diner, his mom gets him a big stack of pancakes and a milkshake with extra cherries. gets a candle out her pocket along with her silver lighter. sings happy birthday and pulls a face when the waitress frowns at them, just to make billy laugh. she sips at her coffee while billy tucks in. smiles when he holds some out with a “c’mon mama, share with me.”

billy thinks it’s neat. thinks it’s the best birthday he’s ever had.

they eventually end up with a place in california, a little bungalow near the coast and billy grows up with his mom. billy gets pretty shirts from the thrift store ‘cause his mama lets him do stuff like that. doesn’t call him a queer, doesn’t force a baseball bat into his hands whilst yelling at him for crying, for being a pussy. his mom lets him read and keep a journal and press flowers between the pages of the neverending story, she plays hendrix and dusty springfield and laughs when billy comes home from his friends’ house with his first piercing at thirteen. she doesn’t tear down his posters or yell when she finds him using her eyeliner.

and everything’s perfect. sort of.

they have bad days- billy’s mom has bad days. billy calls them gray days ‘cause that’s how the world looks when she’s like this. all her color gone. no singing-dancing in the kitchen or baking five different kinds of cake because she couldn’t decide which one was best, no last minute trips to the beach or sitting outside at night and telling billy about the stars. instead she’ll stay in bed, won’t go to work. she’ll stare at the wall blankly and look right through billy when he tries to talk to her. she won’t take the pills the doc gave her and billy doesn’t know what to do. never knows what to do. just chews at his lip until it bleeds, bites at his thumb until it’s red raw. he’ll get in the bed with her. lay beside her and just talk like she used to do with him when he had a nightmare. hum a song to her.

billy’s still pissed at the world just slightly less so. still has that anger and anxiousness simmering just below the surface and shows his teeth when cornered. he’s still hardened in a way that a kid shouldn’t be but. it’s different. there’s no neil. the only bloody noses he gets are at school, when he fights with the kids who call him a fag and a fairy, call his mom a basket case. he uses fists when they laugh and ask if she’s all there with a finger pointing at their heads, ask if billy will “catch the crazy.”

those are billy’s bad days. sitting in the principals office, icing his knuckles.

when he’s fifteen, billy manages to bag a job at the local auto repair by turning up every day and telling howie how good he’d be, that he knows cars and it’s all he wants to do and please please please. eyebrows pulled together, eyes puppy dog wide and hands clasped in front of him until howie grumbles, throws an oily rag at billy. says fine but billy’s gotta pay for anything he damages. someone brings in a chevy camaro and billy asks howie to let him help fix it up. does the begging again until howie laughs. says get a hold of yourself, kid, voice fond as he ruffles billy’s hair.

billy’s four months away from turning seventeen when the doorbell goes. he’s eating a sandwich and watching knight rider. he’s wearing the necklace his mom got him for his last birthday and- he answers the door. doesn’t think twice. freezes when he sees neil standing there. he looks different. hair a little shorter and more wrinkles. where billy’s gained weight, gained muscle, neil’s lost it. his eyes are a little sunken and he’s still got his wedding band on. he reeks of booze. billy has to remind himself to speak, just says “yeah?” his voice comes out small and neil smiles at him. smiles and billy feels this weird twist in his stomach ‘cause .. that’s his dad and he hasn’t seen him in years and it twists and twists and-

turns out. not much has changed. billy realises a little too late that neil will always be neil. they run again. have to leave everything behind. billy doesn’t get to say bye to his friends, to howie, to the car. they leave a lot of stuff behind and head in any direction away from neil. they both try to keep the mood light, take turns driving and play the tapes billy grabbed. they end up in indiana- hawkins. they stay at a motel until billy’s mom finds a place for dirt cheap. it has two bedrooms and a dingy bathroom, a living room slash kitchen and one hell of a damp problem. it’s dirt cheap for a reason.

it’s above a shop in town and- it’s fine. their landlord is an asshole but they’re together and they’ve got a roof over their heads. billy’s enrolled at hawkins high and his mom gets a job at the laundromat. he tells her that he doesn’t need to go to school, that he could just work and help pay the bills but his mom won’t have any of it. says that she wishes she had finished school and that billy’s too clever to waste it. that he has potential.

billy knows the reason she dropped out of school was because she had him. he just nods, rests his head on her shoulder.

it’s billy’s first day at school and his mom drives him to make sure he actually goes. he gets out the car and tries to shake the nerves off. straightens up and puts on his act. plasters a fake smile on his face and it’s working, he’s got most of the girls swooning and the boys at least seem curious. billy looks around and his eyes land on a guy leaning up against a bmw. his hair’s coiffed to high heaven and he’s wearing a polo, preppy as fuck but- pretty. it’s one of the first things billy realises about him, all doe eyes and moles dotted just about everywhere. he’s got a smirk on his face. not aimed at billy but the guy beside him.

pretty-boy walks over to him and billy raises an eyebrow, plays it cool. he introduces himself as steve and billy gets the idea that he’s top dog at hawkins high, is immediately proved right when they step into the building. king steve, freckles calls him. billy laughs- catches steve looking at him when he does and feels his face get hot. steve just smiles wider, calls billy california and tells him to sit with them at lunch. billy tries to ignore the way steve’s smile makes him feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under his feet.

he nods and steve grins. tugs at one of billy’s curls.

says “i think you’re gonna like it here, california.”

[skyf0ckz]

Saw the new movie and was legally obligated to draw ✍️

[koats-n-goats]

Newsies 1992 being so bad (according to critics) that Disney LOST like 12 million dollars making it and it was a box office flop but several years later I watched a clip of Seize The Day at a 5th grade pep rally and it became my driving force for the rest of my life and literally prevented my death multiple times I think that means that my soul is worth 12 million dollars thanks

[dragonartist56]

GAY PEOPLE CANT JUST SAY I LOVE YOU THEY GOTTA SAY SHIT LIKE THEYRE COSMICALLY INTERTWINED IN EVERY POSSIBLE UNIVERSE AND BE STUCK IN A RUNE FOREVER WITH ONLY EACH OTHER AFTER SHARING THE MOST TENDER HEAD TOUCH I HAVE EVER SEEN ON SCREEN WHAT THE FUCK

[gl0xk-was-here]

Sorry if bad quality but capcut hates me

I just found out how to use parenting helper lmaooo

[mywastelandperfection]

[murderpastaa]

some wips and doodlez!!!!

[pierrotdoesnteat]

i think i need to go for a drunken walk while poorly dressed and cry in the graveyard

[miela]

I just found my poetry archive in my notes. I should transfer them into a journal and call it my sad girl poetry.

[leviathan--ships]

[sparklingwatermelo]

This is part of a platonic sunkiller Au i have in my drafts

TW: Mention of suicide

“I tried to kill myself last year.” He forced the words out from his lips, it hurt to speak them, they seem to cut like shards of glass on finger tips, leaving bloody trails of scratches down his throat. Perhaps these particular words were never meant to be spoken…it’s too late now, he can’t take them back.

The room is silent. All eyes are latched onto him. James can see the rejection on their faces, the disgust and horror that they try to hide behind confusion.

He knows deep in his bones that he has proved them right. He is sure that they have always viewed him as a burden, dead weight, a ticking time bomb that they still drag with them for pity’s sake.

They never wanted to know someone like James, for he is rotten. The very core of him has decayed and contorted into something he cannot even begin to find a name for, bitter, dark and utterly sickening.

He is poison. Deep down they know this, it’s probably a game to them to pretend he is made of sunlight, when truly the only thing he has ever shared with the sun is the fact that he knows how to burn.

They kept him out of pity. James was too desperate to be loved to leave them. Now he has ended it all with one simple sentence…

I tried to kill myself last year.

I.

tried.

To.

Kill.

Myself.

Last.

Year.

He does not move he does not speak. Neither do they.

The silence rips at his skin, tearing away the layers, each second of quiet making him feel as if he has been laid bare in front of the people he calls friends.

It builds and builds until it reaches a deafening peak. So sharp it could cut glass.

“No. What do you mean? You didn’t…do that.” Peter stutters. “Not you James, you’re happy.”

James stands abruptly, his ears are ringing with words he does not understand.

You’re happy.

No not you James you’re happy.

Happy

James

Happy

James

Happy

Not you James

He turns around and runs. Stumbling through the house desperate to get away. Far away, far far far away.

He hears voices call after him, the scrape of chairs, the clatter of footsteps, the smash of cup breaking on the floorboards.

He does not care. James potter runs.

He runs until his lungs are burning, he runs until his legs give out.

He collapses on the concrete of the path, and sobs. Crashing his fist into the ground drawing blood to his knuckles. Angry and sad and so utterly sick with himself.

He watches through blurry eyes as the cars drive by with deadly speed and thinks maybe…maybe…maybe…

‘When you feel like that. When you want to be on the bridge again…call me. I will come to you, we can save each other from the edge.’

Barty. He promised Barty he wouldn’t. Not without saying goodbye at least.

He rummages for his phone, finding Barty’s number and pressing the call button with shaking bloodied fingers.

He picks up after one ring. “Hey James.”

He tries to keep his voice from shaking, but he doesn’t succeed in the slightest. “I want to go back to the bridge.” He sounds like a child. A small weak little kid helpless and so very afraid.

“Okay. James just…just wait for me okay?” Barty sounds calm, but James can here the edges of panic in his voice. “I’ll be there in five minutes. Hold on.”

“I’ll wait.” James whispers, and then ends the call.

[guzhufuren]

me and the traumatised live action danmei tumblr besties hallucinating a bl show together