#i am dying to talk about all the spoilers in this series but i must behave

[ryuubus]

NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN EARTH WOULD MAKE ME HATE YOU, ANGELICO

id die for him, he is my son now

[sammys-magical-au]

So update: I have now watched episodes 3 & 4 of TEOS! Yes, it took me that long to get back to it. I have an excuse I have mild somniphobia ok.

Anyway here’s my thoughts on these two eps, under the cut bc I still wanna avoid spoilers for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet:

I stand by what I said about Linda needing a hug, she really does. Actually no screw that they could all use a hug omfg

Ruth was an interesting addition to the story, I knew she was gonna end up dying but I was sad to see her go

It’s so obvious that Dave still loves Katie holy fuck he’s such a sad puppy. I mean clearly Katie still has feelings for him too but his are way more obvious

Also. Baby Dave is precious and must be protected at all costs. I know I said that in the last post but I’m saying it again.

I don’t think I even caught the doctor’s name but he’s. Weird. Kinda glad he got killed actually he seemed waaay too flirty with Dave’s mom and way too confident in what he was doing, but he’s clearly linked to Dave’s dreams in some way based on the flashbacks during his creepy fucking monologue about the machine

And why doesn’t this doctor look like a real person??? Am I the only one seeing this??? I mean yeah he’s probably wearing a tupee but for some reason it just makes him look like something pretending to be a human. Please tell me I’m not alone in this.

What the fuck did he mean about matching pyjamas in “a lady’s size”???????? Hello???????? Was that meant to be a throwaway joke or is he a pedo or some shit??? He gives child predator vibes to me y’all honestly I think it’s good that Dave stabbed him, even if it was an accident

I want more of Linda and Matteo’s backstories, they’ve both clearly been through some shit

Going insane over Katie’s “if you do this you’re a murderer” while Dave is right there. Clearly he hasn’t told her what he did yet. How did that effect him in the moment? We can’t see his reaction to that line but I’ll bet it cut deep.

Like I said last time, Mark (and Lio, and the other actors ofc) did a fantastic job with this series, the emotions are so fucking palpable in every scene.

Please give Dave and Katie five minutes to talk everything out c’mon pls tell me that happens in the next two episodes and they live happily ever after? (<- in denial bc I know that’s not how this ends)

[katerinaptrv]

Dr. Chalotorn & Tharn - My Views from the Novel

So, i want to talk little about the Dr and Tharn complex relationship in the novel, like i said in previous posts i do not really see the Dr as a villain in the novel.

NOVEL SPOILERS AHEAD:

Now, to explain how I see the Dr and Tharn relationship i want to make a parallel to a BL couple we have this year AI Di & Chen Yi from Kiseki Dear To Me.

Ai Di & Chen Yi were raised together as brothers since infancy, they were orphans adopted by a mafia gang leader. AI Di is younger by a few (3 if i am not mistaken) years while Chen Yi is older.

As they grow up Ai Di develops a crush on Chen Yi while the other did not seem (at least to him) to reciprocate his feelings. The thing is Chen Yi was also in love with him but because of their difference of age it was harder for him to notice the change in his feelings. He had loved Ai Di for years since the day they met, he has a responsibility to him as his older brother. Ai Di has always been the most important person in his life and when he sees in their future he does not see this changing or a future where they are not always together.

As the series progresses they both have to be forced into a separation of 4 years, and in this time that Ai Di was away Chen Yi realizes his true feelings for him, he understands that they always being together isn't a given and how much he really loved, missed and needed him.

Now coming back to Tharn and the Dr, this is the first moment of their past that we learn from the novel:

- I've been promoted from your maid of honor to your companion.

- Aren't you satisfied? My companion isn't a position that anyone could be.

- So, what a companion must do, your Highness?

- Stand by me, accompany me, never be apart from me and obey me.

- But I've heard that being companions, their status must be alike.

- Right, right. Our status is alike now. From now on you are my companion. What I eat, you eat.

- Really?

The listener's eyes broadly widen and sparkled.

- Really. Have I ever lied to you? Chalotorn says in a tender voice while flicking his head disdanfully. See? She is so childish, he thinks to himself.

Then the scene faded to a picture of a little female Naga reading a book to Chalotorn, or she was to catch some fish and show it to him, or sometimes they teased the palace people together. These moments caused Vanvisa to let out a thin smile.

Now, i see the Dr and Tharn relationship a lot like Ai Di/Chen Yi, the Dr was the Naga King he knew and loved Tharn since Tharn started to exist, he watched him grow and played with him. When Tharn approach him with his crush he dismiss as a child admiration but promised him that no matter what they would always be together for eternity.

But as Chen Yi, the Dr took this as given, and unfortunately for him Tharn's love was a temporary crush and he truly loves Phaya. After Phaya and Tharn's death in their first life, the Dr is imprisoned because of his part in what happened by 1000 years.

After all this time separated from Tharn and watching him die in front of him he realizes how much he truly loves and misses Tharn.

He comes back into the mortal world to accompany Tharn in his reincarnations and watches Tharn fall for Phaya and sacrifice himself for countless lives dying to protect him while Phaya is still oblivious to his and Tharn real feelings. As a bonus Tharn does not remember him or any of their history together. He sees Phaya disregard and take for granted Tharn feelings like he used to do, and decides he does not deserve him.

So he starts to try to keep them apart, kills Phaya if he has to, so the Tharn could live longer and happier(in his head) with him. At some point he decides to bring Tharn again to the Underwater Castle (this is why Tharn life line is short, if there aren't all those safety measures in his infancy the Dr would have already brought him to his castle with him).

Do I think he is a perfect person? No, he is a really flawed one like everyone else, but I just can’t see him as a villain. He sure is very entitled (as all kings used to be) and decides things for Tharn without asking him.

But the moment in the end of the novel when Tharn knows everything and makes a decision to be with Phaya and tells him that he respects it and leaves him. Because he truly does love him and always did.

[mask131]

I have been watching Pointy Hat's Gods video, because, yes, I greatly enjoy Pointy Hat's D&D video and clever ideas and subversions of tired RPG tropes...

And this encouraged me to finally do the post I meant to do since a very long time: talking about some of my favorite depictions of gods in fantasy works.

Well... "Talking" might be a too-broad word, because I don't want to analyze or explain everything, due to this entering full spoiler territory - I prefer to leave you the surprise to discover them by yourself...

But I want to list here specific fantasy works that involve gods in fascinating, clever ways that work so hard to make us feel what a god or goddess is, while also avoiding the Americanized, super-heroized way media has been showing us the gods for decades now. I also will NOT be talking of specific works adapting or subverting specific mythologies. I am not talking here about stuff like Percy Jackson, or God of War, or the Vei comic book... I will make one exception for Neil Gaiman's "mythology melting-pot" works, but only because they are more interested in what "divinity" and "deity" means than playing with specific myths. I am mostly focusing here on what you would call the "fantasy pantheons" and the fictional gods.

First and foremost being: The Chalion series by Lois McMaster Bujold

This is the first fantasy I ever read where the gods actually FELT like gods. Not only that, but there is a full exploration and analysis, interwoven with the plot, of many god "tropes" people complain about in the fantasy genre, questionssuch as "Why must the gods rely on a human clergy to do things if they are so powerful" or "If the gods know everything, why don't they prevent stuff happening in the first place?" or "Why isn't the god a deus ex machina solving everything?"

Honestly, the gods of Chalion are probably my number 1 representation of gods in fantasy novels.

Not quite "traditional fantasy" but of course, when dealing about the creation, exploration and subversion of gods, Neil Gaiman has to be brought up. More precisely two of his works, "sisters" so to speak: his Sandman comic book series, and his American Gods novel.

The Endless of the Sandman world are NOT gods, this is their whole point, they are ABOVE the gods... but they are still a marvelous and complex exploration of what it means to be the supernatural personification or embodiment of something - plus, the Three, of course. Sandman also introduces the topic that is fully investigated and played with in American Gods: the nature of divinity, what is a religion or a cult, the consequences and limits of faith, and the idea of vanishing gods, dying gods, and divine births... It is due to this deep thematic exploration that I decided to still include this novel, despite it mainly using beings from actual religions and folklores of the world.

If you want to keep the same motifs, themes and explorations present in Gaiman's work while diving into more traditional fantasy, you of course must go take a look at Terry Pratchett's Discworld.

Who needs to present this series today? The most hilarious fantasy parody ever, the peak of humoristic fantasy, and yet the most thorough deconstruction and reconstruction of all the cliches, archetypes, tropes and settings of the fantasy genre.

Religion and gods are a recurring thread across the Discworld. One specific sub-series (the entire series being organized in "cycles so to speak) deals with the existence and adventures of anthropormophic personifications: the "Death cycle", following the titular character of Death, the Grim Reaper. Specific books I could suggest are "Mort", the first book of the cycle, "Reaper Man", and "Hogfather", about a psychopathic assassin trying to murder Santa Claus, and the Reaper having to replace the jolly old man... However, if you are truly interested in gods, and Pratchett's exploration of myths and religions, there is an unescapable trio. "Pyramids", about the fantasy parody of Ancient Egypt ; "Small Gods", about how Discworld's version of Jesus came to be ; and "Monstrous Regiment", about women having to enlist as men in the army in a war-torn, hyper-religious country... These three books are very thorough observations, parodies and deconstructions of what a "god" is, of what a "religion" is, and how the relationship between faith, the acts of faith, and the object of the faith...

You also have several books which involve Discworld's pantheon of gods while not actually exploring religious themes - just parodies of archetypal myths and the traditional appearances of gods in fantasy books: the first two books of Discworld, "The Colour of Magic" and "The Light Fantastic" ; "Sourcery", about Discworld'd version of the Apocalypse, or the illustrated novel "The Last Hero".

I said the first time I actually felt like I was reading about gods in fantasy was in the Chalion books - but there is another specific scene where the idea of divinity was perfectly conveyed. Now I can't speak about the whole series because I only read the first book: but the Fionavar Tapestry has some excellent godly depictions. Shout-out to the scene of the God encountering the Goddess - you'll know what I mean - it is an absolutely splendid thing.

A little-shout too to Kingdoms of Thorn and Bone. It doesn't have "gods" in it... But it is the best and most accurate fantasy depiction I saw of "saints cult" and the whole way saints ACTUALLY worked in old European Catholic-Christianity. Even down to fantasy transpositions of the "folk-Christianity" which intermingles the saints with legendary figures and pagan deities. And while they are not gods, there are also some badass powerful supernatural entities/natural personifications that play delightfuly on old European myths. [It unfortunately is also ranking at the tops in the category of "Insanely promising series with most disappointing ending"]

Shout-out, of course, to A Song of Ice and Fire - though Pointy Hat's video already covered it enough...

And to conclude, I will drop here not a fantasy book series, but a COMIC SERIES! Because yes, there are fantasy comics we should not forget about - one in particular I quite love being DIE.

(Oh yes and it was also adapted as a roleplayng game)

DIE was from the same creator as "The Wicked + The Divine", and you can summarize it as "A darker and edgier version of Jumanji, where the characters are taken to a fantasy RPG world instead of a jungle" - while also gleefully tearing apart at all the "portal fantasy" Narnia-style... The world of DIE is a great homage, deconstruction and "dark parody" of the tropes, conventions and archetypes of fantasy RPGs - while the plot explores the various roots and origins of the modern fantasy RPG universe (from Tolkien to Lovecraft passing by the Brontë sisters). And as such it does include a pantheon of gods, tied to its own version of a "cleric" (here rather a tamer and "debt collector" to the gods)...

Now, while some of the clever worldbuilding and inventions behind these gods is subtly conveyed throughout the actual comic, unfortunately (or fortunately if you like these things) to get the full extent of it all you need to read the interviews, articles and bonus content located at the end of each issue - but trust me, it is worth the read, because the pantheon of DIE was specifically designed to twist and subvert the cliche archetypes of gods in fantasy RPGs. From the god of nature, who is not a "flower-loving hippie" but a giant ferocious bear ; to the common "god of light and goodness" who turns out to be a sinister and sorrowful mourner crying forever over the world, passing by my favorite - Mistress Woe, the "goddess of luck", except that she embodies bad luck and misery and is the spirit of the "natural 1".

Oh yes, of course I also cannot forget to give a shout-out to the one who truly made the mythopoeia genre what it would be today: Lord Dunsany, who not only was one of the forefathers of fantasy well before Tolkien (and without which Tolkien wouldn't have written the works he created), but also created the famous The Gods of Pegana - who is still to this day a full pantheon and mythology completely fictional, but also free of use since it falls in the public domain...

[lightwise]

Masterlist

Hey there, friend 🌻 You can call me Light or Lightwise ✨ This is my little corner of Tumblr mostly dedicated to Star Wars (especially the Bad Batch, clone boys, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan). I am a photographer and writer in my early thirties who spent her childhood telling stories to herself while riding her bike in circles around her driveway. Little did I know at the time that would be considered fan fiction and that however many years later I would find myself nerding out in the Star Wars fandom and loving every second of it ✨

I write a lot of in-depth analyses and musings, which are tagged with #somelightramblings | #some light ramblings (for a touch of irony, because they are usually anything but light or short :D).

My image edits are tagged with #somelightedits | #some light edits

My fics/writings are tagged with #lightwisewrites | #lightwise writes

My fic recommendations are tagged with #somelightreading

I currently do not take fic requests but you can find my writing (a mix of one-shots and long-form WIPs) on here as well as on AO3.

Reblogs and comments are always appreciated 🤗 and feel free to use my edits for headers or PFPs with credit!

This blog contains both SFW and NSFW content, so minors DNI, 18+ only please and thank you 👀

moon dividers by @djarrex 🩷

Btw, I talk mainly about Star Wars with an emphasis on my favorite Bad Batch Boys, but I love many other fandoms/shows/books as well and welcome any conversations/sliding into my DMs to discuss them or other random (SFW) topics!

Narnia (my first fantasy love) | Mystery of Aaravos (The Dragon Prince) | Gilmore Girls | Marvelous Mrs. Maisel | A Series of Unfortunate Events | Shadow and Bone | LoTR | TrollHunters | Gravity Falls | Studio Ghibli  | Anything Jane Austen or 18th and 19th century literature | Sound of Music | And whatever you want to talk about! My Asks are always open!

Key:  🤔 = long analysis  📷 = image edits (alone or within analysis posts) 🫣 = Potentially disturbing or triggering content (mental health, implied violence or dying, etc.) 🔥 = NSFW/spicy content

My Fics

Plan 99 - Short one-shot fic from Tech's perspective. I wanted to show the thoughts that must have been running through his mind as he fell. The love he has for his family. The peace he has in his decision. (from the season finale of TBB season 2)

Tumblr link | AO3 link

Coming soon: Compass and the North Star (long-form fill in the gaps of TBB season 2, focused on Rex and Echo's efforts to free their clone brothers).

Be There - I had to fill in a couple of moments that we didn’t get in S3 E4 - A Different Approach. Hunter and Crosshair's perspectives on trying to find/escaping with Omega and their impending reunion.

Collaborations:

🔥 Sharp Edges - (with @spicy-clones) (ALL of the spiciness, minors do NOT read!)

Tumblr link | AO3 link

Coming soon: Pabu Wedding (with @drafthorsemath)

Inspired by other fics:

The Adventures of Gonky the Cat - Slight spoiler, Gonky is a cat in the modern AU fic Roasted, Brewed, & Served with Attitude (see description below), and I decided to write his backstory/fill in some of his adventures. This is a WIP, currently there are no spoilers in it, but eventually there will be some chapters that give spoilers for later in the story (and will be noted as such).

Gemini Eyes - This one shot fits in as a chapter in between chapters 85 and 87 of Roasted, Brewed, & Served with Attitude (see description below). DO NOT read it unless you have made it that far in Mel's work, otherwise you will have pretty significant spoilers. I had a lot of fun working with Mel's versions of each character, and it's always a joy to write Tech's thought processes and mannerisms. 

Fic Recs

Roasted, Brewed, & Served with Attitude - by MelMorganne99 over on AO3. It's a clever, emotional, modern AU with Crosshair x OC (and one of the best OC characters I've ever read). This fic helped me understand and appreciate the nuances of Crosshair's personality and emotional journey, and has given me endless writing inspiration. And the author is one of the kindest, most engaging people I've ever met online. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and read it. There are 99 chapters but they're on the short side and full of snarky humor and sometimes surprising cameos. This is a full blown fix it fic too, although not always in the ways you might expect!

The Vacation - by @staycalmandhugaclone is one of the best Crosshair fics (and smut fics in general) I've ever read. The writing style haunts me and both Crosshair and the OC are beautifully characterized.

More will be tagged soon!

Show/Character Analyses & Edits

The Bad Batch

S2

🤔 Know Your Showrunners

🤔 + 📷 Phee and the Bad Batch

🤔 + 📷 Why Mayday is a Mirror of Rex (How Crosshair Predicted His Own Redemption Arc) + an excellent comment addition.

🤔 + 📷 There is Something to be Said for Freedom (Crosshair in The Tipping Point)

🤔 + 📷 Fennec season 3 TBB Predictions

S3

🤔 They Don't Know

🤔 + 📷 Project Necromancer

🤔 + 📷 Tech and Crosshair Parallels

📷 Hunter and Wrecker

📷 Omega Smiling at Crosshair

📷 Separate / Together

🤔 Thoughts on Crosshair's Hand Tremor

🤔 + 📷 Crosshair's Choice

🤔 There is No "We"

🤔 Crosshair Sighs

📷 Recognition

🤔 + 📷 Omega Is Not Okay

📷 Get Up Here

📷 Return to The Outpost - Images Part 1 | Part 2

🤔 + 📷 Full Circle - The Return to The Outpost

📷 Crosshair Portraits

🤔 + 📷 I Am Many Things But I Am Not Your Enemy (Ventress)

🤔 I Never Gave Up On You (Parallels between Luke and Omega)

🤔 + 📷 Hidden Monsters (TBB and the monsters they face)

🤔 + 📷 They Call Themselves The Bad Batch

🤔 + 📷 Remain Calm. Cooperate. And You Might Survive. (Analysis of Emerie Karr) + excellent comment addition

Star Wars (general)

📷 Huyang and Tech

🤔 The Force - Part 1 and Part 2

🤔 + 📷 Project Necromancer

Ahsoka

📷 Life and Death (Ahsoka series ep 5 + Tales of the Jedi ep 1)

📷 They Reflect Each Other (Ahsoka and Anakin as master and padawan, Ahsoka series ep 5)

🫣 + 🤔 Ahsoka’s Choice (Ahsoka series ep 5)

🤔 The Face of War (Ahsoka series ep 5)

📷 Red and Blue (Ahsoka series ep 5)

📷 Anakin’s Clone Wars Robes (Ahsoka series ep 5)

Ahsoka’s Direction (Ahsoka series ep 5)

Mandalorian

The Protector (Satine, Bo, & Din as rulers of Mandalore) + excellent comment additions

Episode Reactions

Ahsoka Series: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4

The Bad Batch (Season 3): Episodes 1-3 | Episode 4 | Episode 6 | Episode 7

Headcanons

Hardcase

Wolffe

Crosshair

Tech

Cody

Jesse and Hunter

Random Musings

Psychometry (Ahsoka)

Hunter and Obi-Wan: Similarities

About Me/Tag Games

15 Questions

TBB Asks Game 1

TBB Asks Game 2

TBB Asks Game 3

TBB Asks Game 4

[vanillasn0w]

Review of the first episode of 4 minutes

What a way to open a series! Wow! This is probably the best opener to any BL series I have ever seen. You see a man, staggering, who has been shot. Then, another man is shown in the E.R, but nobody sees his face. The same man who has been shot is seen with another man standing near him as he is dying with a gun pointed towards him. This man has seen himself in the future. Great wakes up in the morning, after drinking heavily the night before. You see him in the elevator having some sort of attack on his system, struggling to breathe. With how the director chose to do the scene you can really sense him losing breathe, with time stopping. The music, by the way, is excellent. It really builds emotion and sets up the next scenes. We see a man walking down the hall, but do not know his name yet.

He enters a room and talks with his father. His father wants him to take over the investment department. We find out this man’s name is Korn. Great is going to take over the position Korn was in, it turns out. Nothing interesting happens in the next couple of moments, except Great driving recklessly. Then, because he isn’t paying attention he hits and kills someone. Something strange happens, where he comes out of the car and is flying. It turns out that he has seen minutes before into his future. He continues to drive and hits the woman again, although he was looking for her to come out. She jumped out in front of the car and there was nothing he could do. This is all very suspenseful to watch because we all know what is coming. What we all probably wished is that he could have not hit her. It's sad because he really tried not to.

The woman comes into the hospital and we meet Dr. Tyme. He is very, very, handsome, I must say. Ultra abdominal bleeding is reported in the woman who got hit by Great. The woman tells the Dr. Tyme that she stepped in front of the car deliberately (as we already could tell), because she doesn’t want to live anymore. She doesn’t want the surgery.

“I want to die anyway.” She says.

You really feel for the woman in this scene who is obviously very troubled. She really, truly wants to die.

“You can die wherever you want, but not here.” Dr. Tyme says, in his usual temperament which we are seeing is very serious and subdued. If someone wanted to die, I wouldn’t have met them with this type of attitude. I would have definitely been more sympathetic.

The surgery goes well, anyway. In one of the next scenes, we see Dr. Korn go into a mysterious building that is locked from the outside. We see a bunch of people operating on computers.

“This is where we make millions in minutes.” The man who brought Korn in says.

“From where?” Korn asks.

Right here. Online gambling.” The man says.

It seems as though Korn is hesitant to do something illegal, but he goes ahead and does it anyway. I will tell you right now, this will not turn out well for him. And from the gifs and spoilers I’ve seen, it doesn’t.

We are introduced to Korn’s partner, in one of the next scenes. He is very, very handsome. We don’t know his name, but I am sure the audience wants to due to his good looks. We find out his name is Ton Kla. Then, they have sex. I don’t bother to watch this.

Nothing all that interesting happens next. We finally get to see Tyme smile, though! And he looks so good smiling! I hope he does it more. It turns out he lives with his sick mother, who is diabetic. Great has a nightmare about hitting the woman the next morning. Maybe, you shouldn’t have been driving so fast the first time, you idiot.

Voice overs from various people come in telling about their near death experiences. it's very interesting to hear and important to write about. I feel it is foreshadowing. Great goes to visit the woman he hit, next.

She tells him that she will tell the police she walked in front of the car, then the clock flashes to 13:13, which is incredibly important to note. When walks out, then bumps into Tyme, then, he stops being able to breath and goes into the future again. He flashes forward to his future relationship with Tyme. A woman walks into a room and the doctor explains her medical records.

“Your heart has stopped beating, due to severe myocarditis, before, correct?”

MAJOR POINT BEING MADE THERE!!!!

The doctor asks how she felt when her heart stopped beating and then the scene flashes to Great. He goes after Tyme. The woman whose heart stopped beating says, “I don’t know how it happened. I just lived life normally. But it was my life in the past. Like events in the past were playing again in my mind.”

The other doctor asks the woman whose heart stopped beating if it felt real to her. She says yes.

“But there was one thing that didn't feel real.”

Great heads into Tyme’s room.

“I could see four minutes into the future.” The woman says. The episode ends with Great bumping into Tyme again.

All in all, a great first episode, with a satisfying beginning and a satisfying end. Emotions were very well done in his episode. The scenes were not too drawn out and well paced. I enjoyed the writing as well. There are so many shows out there with bad writing, but it doesn’t look like that will be the case with this one.

[yuexuan]

[Review] 破云

Title: 破云 (Breaking through the clouds)

Author: 淮上

Length: 155 chapters + 6 extras

Tag: Crime and mystery, action, thriller

Summary [taken from novel updates]:

Foreboding clouds raced across the skies above the city.

Three years ago, as a consequence of Commander-in-Chief Jiang Ting’s error in judgment during an anti-drug operation in Gongzhou, a chain of explosions occurred at the scene and caused the Narcotics Division to suffer heavy casualties. Now three years later, Jiang Ting, whose flesh and bones should’ve faded from existence after dying at the line of duty, actually miraculously woke up from a vegetative state.

His heroic soul could not rest – he must return to the mortal world from the depths of hell and exert all that he has in order to bring the bloody and inconceivable truth to light.

Novel | Novel[translated] | Audio drama | Manhua

Comments **Contain spoilers**:

Ok, this is the second time I am reading the novel: the first time in 2021 with the full uncensored version and the second time with the censored physical version. But honestly? The censored version still has so much fluff and sweetness, and I’m reminded once again why this is one of my favorite danmeis.

First off, a little bit more about the novel: The story starts off with former Commander-in-Chief of the drug task force Jiang Ting recovering from his three-year coma. He was discharged and started living at the KTV ran by one of his former informants. It was just his luck that a body was found in the KTV’s freezer and the cause of death attributed to an overdose of drugs. This led to the unfolding of a series of drug, kidnap, and murder cases that were related to Jiang Ting’s troubled past, and his meeting with Yan Xie, the eventual love of his life. 

Highlights:

I’ll say it again, in spite of the censored version, there were still tons of tooth-aching fluff. Jiang Ting and Yan Xie living together? Check. Jiang Ting cooking for Yan Xie and teaching him how to cook? Check. Yan Xie acting as a personal training coach for Jiang Ting? Check. They were so domestic when not working on cases and their chemistry was just *chef kiss*, the right balance of action versus mellow, brash versus stoic.

Talking about characters, the gong - Yan Xie - can come off as being too much of an overbearing ‘straight man’ when treating his underlings, but he reserved all his softness for Jiang Ting and helped the latter heal from his past traumas. He liked to think of himself as boyfriend material, despite the amount of time people want to ‘slap his face with a shoe’ and how often he got jelly of Yang Mei lol. I love how action-oriented and confident he is, and yes, there’s a reason why Yan Xie is known as one of the four coquettish gongs (‘四大骚攻’) in danmei.

When it comes to plot, Poyun presents an engaging read, filled with all sorts of plot twists and heartaches (Up until the end, we had cause to believe that Jiang Ting might be the villain). The cases are logically sound and the pacing is tight, but leaves enough room to balance the plot with the right amount of fluff. 

Another thing that I appreciated was the amount of research put into the novel. I’m actually taking notes along the way for future reference when (and if) I eventually write my crime-related fanfic~ There were just so many details, such as the different types of police and their roles, the laws, information on the drug market etc etc. And it’s integrated really well into the narrative, not just thrown as exposition. 

Also, can I talk about the female characters? It’s sort of a common critique that danmeis don’t have great female characters, but I’ll say that Poyun has a strong female cast: there’s the almighty Madam Zeng Cuicui, who was so disappointed in her son Yan Xie’s love life that she started studying up on same-sex marriage laws lol; then there’s the street smart Yang Mei, the source of Yan Xie’s envy but overall a great informant; and also the eager Han Xiaomei, who, despite her small stature, actually had a stand down against J and survived; and finally, let’s not forget Chief Yu, who was ready to retire but still managed to provide support in so many cases. Even the bad guys (gals?) such as Bu Wei were quite smart and cunning. Definitely a good selection of female characters!

Now this is probably the controversial part, but when it comes to pairings, I also shipped K and Q. Hard. Heck, add in J too, I don’t mind a KQJ threesome hehe. I loved the whole drug lord and police dynamic, their constant cat-and-mouse chases, their enemy-childhood friend relationship, and how gentle but also cruel K treated Jiang Ting. It just scratched my dark ship itch <3

[which-hospital]

Sinking Ships - Day 2 (22/06/24)

I like that it's finally warm but my hayfever has been terrible all day. I wanted to get back to watching series 4 tonight but I'm too uncomfortable to pay attention so I think I'll just rewatch some 2000s romcoms instead.

How long has it been since I did an actual episode review post? I feel like it’s been since before Charlie left. I’m not writing this because I particularly liked the episode, more because I was able to and I haven't felt able to for months.

I’m never concise so it’s all below the cut, like usual. Collected, probably incomplete, Teddy Thoughts are at the end.

I think I audibly gasped at the reveal that Rich is married to Siobhan. They did a good job at keeping it out of the spoilers and now we know it feels kinda obvious that they’d do that but I was very much shocked. Honestly, I am looking forward to Stevie getting into relationship drama with Siobhan’s husband - still misery, but fun inconsequential romance drama misery! Anyway, thank you Sandra Mute (and Andrew Ponting) for giving us the start of affair drama all those many years ago… “She shouldn't be seeing him, if his wife finds out it- it'll-.” “Well, you should've thought about that before you went with him!” projecting-onto-a-patient scene and all that. I suppose at least Sandra didn’t work with Beryl (though they had apparently met). I also just generally enjoyed Stevie and Siobhan's stuff in this episode, I like seeing how different characters approach being clinical lead and how it affects their relationships with everyone else.

Ngozi is my shining star, I love her so much. That scene with her, Rida and Stevie where they were talking about Dervla? Great.

Cam… I’m glad people are enjoying his stuff but I’m not super invested in it. I thought Cam was alright early on, then he didn’t do much but mope around about Jodie for a year and it prevented me from developing much actual interest.

Teddy. I am always happy to see him and yet I wish the show would leave him alone. I don't like that of all the things they could choose to carry forward and remember about Teddy, they're holding onto all the OOC stuff he did last miniseries. (And then acting like to be ‘redeemed’ for it, he must act like all the people who treated him terribly didn’t do that.) Take the opportunity to drop it, it's not like they don't already constantly decide not to follow through with Teddy. REMEMBER GETHIN DYING? Because in-universe we're coming up on a year since that happened. Hey, they remembered he's turned 25 (which facilitates my 'Teddy being happy' birthday thoughts), at least.

Incredibly petty and really the least of my concerns with Casualty lately but I still hate Teddy/Jodie!! Their relationship makes me cringe. He got to smile in this episode and I wasn't expecting that but it was in a cringe Teddy/Jodie scene. I know I'm being impossible to please and I don't even care!

Iain and Faith stuff also happened. I wish it hadn’t. I don’t understand the obsession the show has with telling us (almost literally TELLING US through Faith at one point in the episode) that Iain is so very special and nice and brilliant and acting like he’s got such a special relationship with every other paramedic. It bothered me when they’d do that with Jacob, Sah and Jan, it bothers me even more that they’ve started doing that with him and Teddy because Teddy is the character it makes the least sense for. Also, what was Teddy thanking him for? I’m sorry, I think the way Iain was in Teddy’s storyline last miniseries was terrible and that Teddy owes him precisely nothing. I am really not looking forward to another miniseries of Iain/Faith and 'Iain Criticises Others For Playing The Hero While He Does The Same But He Gets To Do It Because He’s Not Like Other Paramedics' but whatever. Anyway, I wish they’d had Jacob work with Teddy considering he was clearly at work. Oh, yeah, also GO AWAY FAITH.

[candy-fae]

Back to Carlie sort of watches supernatural hour!!!

I tried I Tried I TRIED to give dean a chance bc y'all kept saying "no he gets better Carlie!!" And "pay attention Carlie!! " and "WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE INSTEAD OF JUST SKIMMING WHILE U DRAW CARLIE" and I said fine!!

Fuck it!!! Lemme watch the next episode.

So I put on Season 7, episode 3.

I hate him I hate him I hate him lolololol

The whole episode I just felt horrible for Amy Pond.

I've never been a huge anime fan, but one of the few I HAVE watched has been Tokyo Ghoul. For those who haven't seen it, the premise is that ghouls need human meat to survive, and must hide amongst humanity so as not to get absolutely murdered by ghoul hunters who have learned how to hunt and kill them.

Ghouls have found alternative ways of getting flesh, much like Amy Pond, whom spoiler, works at a morgue. Throughout the series, we see ghouls struggles to hold onto humanity, and try to exist and hold normal bonds and lives. One such perspective is from a mother and small daughter who comes to our main cast for help. Just remember that.

Now, due to our monster, Amy's son getting sick, in a panic, she kills some ppl to feed him. Oopsie, but like, slay momma bear.

Sam also happens to know her personally, and when he finds out she was just doing this one bad thing this ONE time, he leaves her be. Says that's what most people would do in that situation. Dean lies, and tells Sam he trusts his judgment, and then promptly what does he do??

He tracks her down.

And kills her in front of her son, telling her it is her nature that makes her a monster and eventually she will kill again.

And in my head all I saw was the scene in Tokyo Ghoul, where we get the perspective of said monsters. A mother fights to save her baby, and loses her life, just for the baby to be traumatized, and GRIEVE and hate herself for just being born. The question arises, do we as monsters, deserve to even live just because of what we need to survive? If it is sourced ethically, and they aren't actively hurting anyone, do they still deserve the death penalty? I meant hey, sure, maybe they would have killed people in the future. Junior catches the flu and now mommy needs to go Merc an old dying person.

Maybe! But he just simply doesn't believe in hope, and change, or seperating yourself from the cards you were delt, and it's shitty.

He's a shitty, shitty guy, and I think everyone gives him a pass because of the trauma he's been through, and the fact that he's pretty but like noooooo??

Ps. I hope the son, who's just an orphan now I GUESS, does in fact come back, and I hope he Hurts him bad. Nobody chose to be born the way they are, and I guarantee his kill count was higher than hers lmao I just really am not loving this guy like everyone made me think I would. Consider me a meanie little hater who doesn't know what she's talking about bc again!! I'm maybe only watching the parts where he's the WORST, but I was still mad about the werewolf girl, and I'm noticing a pattern with the women here.

[idealisticrealism]

(Warning, spoilers) Okay so I feel like I need to rant to someone about The Cleaning Lady because I'm sick and have just binged the whole series in I think 24 hrs( So l spoilers included here ). First of all, after S3 E1 decided to then google somethings and then find out Adan passed away and I'm just gobsmacked, he was waaaaay too young and had young kids and a wife? :( But I also have some thoughts about the series. S1 - loveeeeed! Like there was somethings that was a bit too much but the chemistry between Thony/Adan and Thony/Fi was great and for me that really made the show. I'm going to be honest and say I found S2 a bit too all over the place.But I do feel like Adan was the shining star in this season. I think they could have had a bit less of the Luca plot line and I wasn't a super big fan of Thony developed in this season. I just sort of wished as well, that Thony and Adan at some stage after their kisses or at least in S2 would just talk about their feelings for each other. I was so sure the S2 was going to end with Nadia turning Adan to Kamdar to show that she was still "evil" while Adan wanted to turn good because he meet Thony. Because honestly, I just felt so confused to his feelings about Nadia, and they didn't grow the Thony/Adan bond either since they didn't even kiss even though both were at one point both available. Like when he came to her house, I 100% thought they would finally hook up. Sorry for my rant, just needed to write some thoughts off. Not saying they are right just my opinions.

Haha hi anon. I am always happy to receive messages about this show, rants or otherwise, so welcome :)

First off, I really feel for you with how you found out about Adan-- being right in the middle of a brand new obsession and then suddenly being hit with the knowledge that we'd lost such a vital part of it? That must have been really tough. Most of us had a couple of months to adjust to the news before the show came back, and honestly that was hard enough.

As for your feelings about S1 and S2, they're pretty normal! I think most people loved S1 and the amazing Armony chemistry, and found the "My son is dying!" situation a tiny bit repetitive. Lots of people would also agree with you about S2 and the physical distance that formed between Thony and Arman. I think we were all desperately hoping for a kiss scene or two (myself included), though I'm one of the few that actually felt that not getting an S2 Armony kiss made a lot of sense, and that their bond was actually still beautifully developed and built upon in S2 even without them getting more physical. In general, I feel that the way the characters were written in S2 was actually very well done, particularly Thony, who made realistically irrational decisions in high stress situations, and then had to deal with the consequences. If you scroll back on my blog you'll see a bunch of posts with many many words about my feelings on the subject lol, or you can check out the TCL tag which certainly has posts with less positive perspectives- but like you said, I'm not trying to say that either take is right or wrong! We all have our opinions and that's okay. Mine enable me to get the most enjoyment possible out of something that I already love, so I'm sticking with them.

Anyway I hope that you will continue to watch and enjoy the show, but if not, at least there'll always be Thony and Arman slowdancing by the firelight to look back on....

[renyen808]

Fire Emblem Engage: Is It Good?

Hey everyone! Anyone that knows me knows how obsessed I am with the Fire Emblem franchise. 

(Credit: Nintendo)

I loved every game in this new era that it is in, from Awakening, Fates, and Three Houses all building off of one another and creating amazing and engaging (hah) stories that make me want to play over and over again. Here, unfortunately, is not the case. SPOILER ALERT on the game in general along with any other one in the franchise, I am probably going to spoil it. 

Fire Emblem Engage is the latest installment in the franchise and it was…okay. 

(Credit: Nintendo of America YouTube Video)

I mean, it wasn’t bad, but it fell flat compared to its predecessors. You play as Alear, a male/female protagonist known as the Divine Dragon who was asleep for a thousand years. They have lost their memory during their slumber, and must navigate their foggy memories while fighting in a war against the Kingdom of Elusia.

(Credit: Fire Emblem Wikia/Fire Emblem Wikipedia)

Robin was essentially a standin for us, the player, since we could customize their appearance and have meaningful relationships with the other NPCs. Alear, however, has no way of changing their appearance, thanks to their hair and eye color being important to the story, and only has a fraction of the meaningful interactions that Awakening did. Robin’s memory loss was from them almost becoming a vessel for Grima, shattering their mind, while Alear was attacked by Sombron in a last stitch effort in killing them before dying himself. I feel that Robin’s memory loss plays better in the Awakening story rather than Alear’s memory loss in Engage. I know it is because they tried to strike magic twice with the memory loss, but Alear fell flat compared to Robin, Corrin, and Byleth.

The story is also not that great. Fates and Three Houses really stepped up their game from Awakening by having multiple storylines and alternate endings to have replayability, choosing a different path each time you play. Engage, however, takes a step back, and has one linear storyline, which is a huge bummer for me. I wasn’t a fan at first of the multiple stories, but I found myself entertained by them. Awakening is still my favorite in the franchise, and that is a linear story, but it is one that was told perfectly, didn’t feel cliche, and made me actually feel for the characters. Here, I just don’t care about what happens. I don’t care because I know what is going to happen in the end. 

(Credit: Gamespot)

The gameplay mechanics are an improvement for the series. Once you select the character you wish to move, they will follow wherever the joystick leads them, and will stop when you press an option that is available, whether that is just stopping and ending your turn, engaging with the Emblem you have equipped, using an item in your inventory, or attacking an enemy adjacent to your spot. You can be in your engaged form for only three turns, but it will charge over the course of the battle, allowing you to engage more than once during combat. There are different objectives that you have to reach depending on the chapter, such as ‘Rout the Enemy’ which just means eliminate every enemy unit, or sometimes it will be just a ‘Defeat the Bosses’ one where all you have to do is defeat the named enemies.

(Credit: RPGamer)

 Once the objective is reached, the chapter will conclude and you will have some dialogue before the afterbattle walkaround, something new added in Engage. After the battle, you are able to walk around the area and talk to all of your allies, regardless if you deployed them or not. You can also find ingredients, items, and animals, I’ll explain those later. Afterwards, you can leave the area and return to the World Map (in the beginning of the game) or the Somniel.

Along with that, the characters are not as memorable as in previous installments. I can name pretty much every character in Awakening, some from Fates and Three Houses, but not that much from Engage. I only remember Alear, but no other names off the top of my head. Also, the character relationships don’t play a big role here, so I do not feel the need to push relationships together. I loved choosing different relationships between my units, but ever since Three Houses, only the Avatar can obtain an ‘S’ rating, with characters having high relationship points going into relationships afterwards. As far as I know currently, the only ones who can be in relationship is Alear and whomever Alear chooses, but the conversations are not memorable and are mediocre at best. 

(Credit: Gamer Guides)

So, I bring up the conversations because these are the most memorable aspects of Fire Emblem. The conversations this time around are not as memorable as they were back in the day, where instead of Robin and Chrom embarrassing each other with bathroom run ins, we get Alear blankly talking to one of their allies. I haven’t played Engage in weeks and I cannot recall one conversation that has been memorable. 

The Somniel is basically your base, kinda like the school in Fire Emblem Three Houses. You can do different things here, such as cooking for yourself and two of your allies, working out, and training. These are just…okay. I wish it was more like Three Houses, where it seemed exciting to do each time, but for Engage, I kind of just felt like going onto the next chapter and getting it over with. The only part I found exciting, unbelievably, was the ring cleaning section. It is exactly how it sounds. You clean rings…and that was the most fun. 

Overall, Fire Emblem Engage is okay, an underwhelming sequel to the amazing Three Houses. It is a vital game to the series as a whole, improving on gameplay, but fails to capture what the previous games did so perfectly. I did enjoy playing it, but at the moment, have no desire to pick it up and play it again. I am more of the story based player, and the tactical stuff second, so with the story being as weak as it is, I cannot just look over it and say it is a good game where it could be improved. All in all, I say you should play it for yourself and figure out for yourself if the game is for you. 

(Credit: Game Rant)

Thank you for taking the time to read my post! If you enjoyed reading it, share it with a friend who may also like it as well. Comments are always welcome, but keep it nice. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and shouldn’t be attacked because of them. If you want to hear audio versions of these articles, you can find them on my YouTube channel ‘Screen and Joystick’. I will hopefully begin recording these first two episodes in the coming days. I will be posting two articles a week, starting next week, so I am excited to begin this journey with you all! Thank you for reading! See you in the next post!

[absinthemind3d]

JUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDE

A new, short fic with [x] chapters - I’m back friends, after months of NOTHING in the writing department. I would be so happy if you could reblog and share! 

Title: JUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDE

Rating: E for Everyone is hiding those feelings

Series: The Folk of the Air by Holly Black

Characters/Ships: Jude x Cardan

Setting: Mildly set somewhere in TWK/QON, so some spoilers but mostly not focused on the plot - outside of Jurdan. 

Word Count: Chapter 1: 662 words

AO3: Posted here!

-----

Instead of angry stabs into paper, her name was now like a refrain in his head, the most lovely string of sounds anyone had ever heard. 

He was obsessed. 

Cardan knew this, and yet he didn’t care. He knew it didn’t match with his aloof, devil-may-care attitude about the world, and instead running from it like he did every cursed thing or fairy that tried to attach themselves to him, he found himself embracing it. Embracing her. 

And maybe - he told himself in his more cynical moments - he kept running to her, and acknowledging this sick obsession, because she reminded him of being used, being cast aside. Except the cruel hand she dealt felt so, so fucking good. 

This was what occupied his thoughts 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time, they were fucking. Cardan wasn’t sure if he was in a fantasy, or some sick, twisted joke world, where he, the forgotten prince of Elfhame, could - was allowed - to feel pleasure. 

Not, as he thought often, that he cared which it was. 

He also didn’t know what made her run to him, and even though he felt he knew her inside and out, he couldn’t puzzle that out. He guessed it was down to the thrill having power over him, over his body, gave her, and nothing more. 

Because it couldn’t be anything more, could it? 

That was a dangerous line he, or she, hadn’t attempted to toe. 

Right?

“Stars above, Jude Duarte, I love you,” I manage to gasp out right before I come into her cruel, villainous mouth. Right before she deftly takes all of me in before drawing back and smirking, idly running her fingers down my legs as she sits back on her heels.

Her smirk fades in seconds, however, and horror dawns on her face in front of my eyes.

“You can’t love me,” she blurts out, and I instantly turn redder than the orgasm has already made me. “You just love this” she exclaims while gesturing down at the mess we’ve made of my bed.

I cock an eyebrow in an attempt to hide my embarassment - and my slip-up. Of course I can’t love her. JUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDE my brain screams, and I want to throw myself into a wall. “Of course, my most disarming villain, I was only talking about your expertise.” Nothing more, but of course it’s so much more. My brain continues to yell at me, but I keep the chaotic mess of emotions from tumbling out. I don’t want them existing in the world more than they already do.

“Good,” she remarks, satisfied, though her cheeks are coloured more than they should be, and I notice she’s attempting to cover herself when, usually, she is stalwart and prouder than a battle-wizened redcap in the bedroom. “This is only a marriage of convenience, or conveniences, and I will not admit to anything else.”

My previously cocked eyebrow only cocks itself higher in response, and while I am dying to hear how she truly feels, I refuse to cave to JUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDE.

My mouth communicates my stupid yearning before I can clamp down on it, though. “Ah, so do you have something to admit? Jude, if you’ve been keeping something from me, you must not. I’ve been told many mortal marriages crumble under the keeping of secrets.”

“Would you shut up?” She commands, slipping back into war general once more. “There is more than one way to silence a disobedient husband, and I’m afraid killing you would be far too obvious.” She begins to shimmy closer to me over the sheets, and I debate whether to give in to what she is asking, and occupy my mouth with her pleasure, or to pursue the topic.

Honestly, what would you do in the presence of JUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDEJUDE, when she is asking you to silence yourself with one of the most delightful pursuits in this world?

I give in, of course.

Because I love her.

[eluvion]

do you have any dazai-centric fic recs? i've read through yours and intimatopia's fics already and seem to have picked up a new blorbo

HELLO HI THIS TOOK FOREVER SORRY FINALS WEEK ALMOST KILLED ME

firstly, intimitopia's fics are so wonderful and lovely and im so glad that you read their writing it deserves everything!! secondly, most of my recs are in my bookmarks, most of which i keep public, so you're always welcome to look through those!! third, because my taste in angst can be very intense, please please read the tags for all of these.

now onto the actual rec list!!

The Many Pleasant Deaths of Dazai Osamu by Allegory_for_Hatred

43k, gen this was done for Whumptober 2019, and it is very well done!! short and angsty one-shots, wonderful characterization - I love it a lot. This author also has a few other angst pieces and a "dazai goes to hogwarts" au

A mouth to empty into (series) by osamuchuu

Soukoku, and learning to love and also, to live. Featuring addict!Dazai, addiction, relapse, recovery, and relationship building. ~23k, soukoku literally one of my favorite fic series of all time!! ive always liked the idea of dazai being an addict, and chuuya in this series is so wonderfully written and realistic

Head Full of Lies by AbsoluteNegation

Chuuya embarks on a drastic course of action. Dazai is the last one to know why. ~125k, soukoku VERY well done, literally one of my favorite fics ever!! featuring the complications and mixed feelings of being raised by mori ougai, mafia boss chuuya, and some of the best writing ive ever read

the orange sunset (series) by Metallic_Sweet

In a world where Oda Sakunosuke survives, Dazai Osamu becomes the Boss of the Port Mafia. ~30k, soukoku and odazai this series made me stare at a wall for like ten minutes its so heartbreaking and well written, and it has the same kind of feeling that beast does where everyone/someone surviving is not a good think and actually hurts a lot

hopelessly devoted by soukocacola (hongbabey)

"Get your grades up." Oda tells him. "Then we'll talk."  Well, Dazai thinks. If he's going to be miserable, the least he can do is make Chuuya miserable, too. Maybe then Chuuya will ditch him and Dazai can fail out of college with no regrets.  ~129k, ongoing, soukoku everything i could ask from a college au!! the angst is so good, and i absolutely love how setting everything in a different context makes the pain even sharper. fyodor IS ooc but its such a GOOD ooc that i accepted it

pockets full of stones by Misila

It was like talking to a wall. Or it would be, if walls could talk back and be annoying and try their best to push everyone away whenever they weren’t alright. 2.7k, kunikidazai very horrifying and angsty (compliment)!! brings up a lot of the realities of what dazai's ability could mean.

given and taken by somnium_sin

Dazai knows that death and life are part of one another. They are not their antithesis. Oda Sakunosuke is alive. (It must count for something, the way in which Dazai unravels so quickly.) Oda is alive and he doesn't remember Dazai. (Dazai feels like he’s dying.) 42k, ongoing, odazai so so so good i love this so much. takes everything i love about odazai as a ship and stretches it out to 42k words i am so so ahhhhhhhh

it takes a village by magicandlight

He's been sick for weeks when he finally gives in and goes to a free clinic. If it weren't for his promise to Odasaku, he wouldn't have bothered. Dazai would have just allowed whatever mysterious illness he had to kill him. But he promised Oda he'd be better, and he hasn't done that yet. Maybe it's cancer, he thinks. The symptoms technically fit. (Spoiler: It's Not.) ~23k, ongoing, soukoku i had a lot of hesitation when i read the tags (im not really one for reading pregnancy or my favorite characters having children) but when i read it, those doubts instantly melted away. the fic is really well done and beautifully written, and in the last few chapters especially, it delves into how dazai parents with depression. i always love trans dazai, and in the extra snippets theres also trans tanizaki which makes me so !!!!

carve your love into my skin by Dont_Wake_The_Writer

Chuuya looks underneath Dazai's bandages without his permission. This breach of trust isn't one mendable with words alone. or Dazai is the Book itself, and only so many pages remain. ~82k, ongoing, soukoku another one of my favorite fics ever!! this is so well written and angsty and i love it a lot. especially in the later chapters, it carves into the history of humanity - a lot of it very recent history. as a person raised in america, i never got to hear about the war crimes we committed in detail, and this fic really delves into that. paired with the beautiful writing i!! could not stop thinking abt this fic for like a month

thank you for the ask anon!!

[xxrat--punkxx]

Harrow The Ninth - Act one essay

yeah u read that right, i wrote a fucking essay. When I started reading Harrow the ninth, I made a decision to make annotations. As when reading the first book in the series I had many thoughts and was unable to get any of them down. I would be doing this in an attempt not only to better understand the characters, but to better understand the goings-on and see if I can piece things together, as the book is a little confusing I must admit. So I decided to write this, which is essentially just a big write-up of all the notes I made over act one, and which I have many thoughts about. The annotations in the majority are on Harrow and a study of her character I have to admit, but I did try and piece together certain theories of sorts that I had. All of this is merely my interpretation of the book is not meant to be taken seriously, take whatever I’ve written with a grain of salt or as literally as you want. This is written in order of chapter or chronologically so if the notes seem a bit messed up that’s why.

 The reason I’m doing this putty just is for fun and I just thought it would be an interesting way to try to get to understand the characters better, so if you do feel opposed to what I have said please don’t feel the need to comment and rave about it or how I’m ‘wrong’, also I would like to avoid further spoilers for the book all together so please keep my in the dark.

And with that this is the mostly coherent write up of my notes thrust far :D

---------------

To begin with the prologue threw for a fucking loop, but I think Ianthe saying ‘choke me daddy’ is going to stick with me until the day I die. One of the first things I took  note of is how Harrow mentioned Ianthe’s eyes multiple times. Harrow is very observant of other people’s eyes through the book, always pointing them out and describing them. The line ‘- eyes of the cavalier she murdered’ could suggest Harrow is only able to characterise people by the necessary ‘sin’ they have committed to become Lyctor, feeling an incredibly heavy guilt at her position, because even through she may not remember, Harrow carries a great deal of sadness and anger to her role as Lyctor as a result of Gideons fate. This resentment for her position comes up again in ‘half a Lyctor was worse than not a Lyctor at all’, Harrow wanted to become a Lyctor to atone for the sins of her birth as well as revive the dying embers of the ninth house, the adjective ‘half’ would suggest Harrow doesn’t feel like she’s good enough to call herself ‘a real Lyctor’ (whether there is a process of fully becoming a Lyctor I am currently unaware of) because of this feeling of inadequacy she harbours, she possibly feels that she is not yet able to justify everything that has happened, still essentially talking the full blame for being 200 dead children. Harrow may feel that she will only see herself as ‘good enough’ once she has become what she deems a ‘fully versed Lyctor’, but I do believe if she were to go on she would never reach this self appointed goal, always living in this perpetual state of ‘I’m not good enough to justify 200 children’. And despite the fact she can’t remember, not good enough to justify the ‘death’ of Gideon as well.

In Parodos we begin to explore what I can only come to conclude as being an altercation in her memories in the event of the previous book. Along with the later repeated ‘this isn’t how it happened’ and the reference to the ‘body’ who I believe is Alecto (don’t go looking in tags that contain spoilers kids). Other than this Harrow references her ‘fathers library’ (which has obviously been around for a lot longer), I believe that her reason for still referring to it as her fathers and not technically hers is this is still part of her that still can’t yet get over they’re death. But most importantly abt this chapter, is the first mention of Harrows ‘insanity’, a very frequently repeated and referenced topic.

In chapter one we see the use of second person being used. This, to my surprise, is used past the prologue whenever we are in the ‘present’, I do believe there are multiple reasons for this, that I will go into later. The chapter opens with Harrow attempting to practice using her sword, despite her almost seemingly constant lack of progress; it's all Harrow seemingly devotes her time to. The quote ‘sword had reified your grief into six feet of steel’ (that’s one long fucking sword Jesus Christ) could suggest that Harrow is using this training as a distraction, that she is trying to fill her mind with the focus of sword training to the point where she isn’t able to cast her mind to her grief, ending in her pushing herself too far to the brink of nausea and pain. Further, the personification of the sword is interesting as it could be Harrow attempting to personify her grief. As a subconscious way of coping, the sword represents a past she so dearly hates and memories she is scared to remember. Claiming the sword ‘hates her’ could be Harrow's mind telling her ‘this is how everyone you lost will react to your failure’ as she is unable to properly wield it, along with the notion that she possibly even now believes she’s ‘not good enough’ as a Lyctor. Believing that, if they were alive, all her parents, the children and even Gideon would feel toward her would be adamant hate. This then brings up the theme of ‘insanity’ again, wherein Harrow's mind will conceive the impossible as an attempt to cope with the insurmountable amounts of grief and trauma. 

Harrow is greatly alienated from the environment she’s in, being stripped of her identifying features she takes solace in (e.g her face paint and short cropped hair), to have these things taken away from her, Harrow feels exposed and possibly vulnerable, this would cause her to feel possibly more alienated as she doesn’t feel comfortable being ‘exposed’ to the people on the ship. Harrow's face paint is very important to her, not just as a part of her house's culture but because Harrow uses it as a mask. The ‘inglorious mask’ she paints represents a lot to her, her position as Reverend Daughter of the Ninth house, a position too many people had died for for her to not wear that title. Later it is revealed that Harrow sees her face as ‘monstrous’ without it on as she can’t bare the sight of her bare face, she views her face with a sort of body dysmorphia, as if she hates who she is, what she represents and the mask is a way of concealing that as well as a showing of her devotion to the house and it’s people by strictly upholding its culture. Small acts of penance for the debt of her birth. Harrow would much rather go through bouts of pain, although fleeting just to mimic the paint with her blood as the alternative (it’s sad and cruel to think about but it’s cool af omg). 

While on Erbos, Harrow makes notes of all the noises she can hear, making comparison to prayer, which I believe is a Harrow trying to make an attempt at trying to find even some form of familiarity in this alien environment as to compare the ‘nonsense’ of human voices with something so familiariser to her as ritualistic prayer. Eventually all of these factors, the loss of her identity, the collection of grief and alienation, all lead to causing Harrow moments of disassociation, ‘sometimes you would forget who you were, and at recalling yourself,weep like a child’.this loss of identity causes Harrow to ‘forget herself’ a way of her mind shutting down as it can no longer continue this cycle of constant training and nausea/pain on top of the old and new grief. What’s more is the use of the noun ‘child’ is important because it represents Harrow regressing back into the mindset of her child self, something she has a deep rooted fear of regressing back to. This then creates a vicious cycle. In this moment, paired with the sword on the ground, with Harrow giving it a lack of care and disregard, would play into the personified ‘argument’ dynamic Harrow has created. As the sword lays there, a representation of the people she’s lost and the grief they bring, the line ‘so you could not see the sword nor the people’ could be Harrow not wanting hypothetical people to see her at this breaking point through the form of the personified sword. This scene accompanied with the appearance of ‘the body’ is all further reference and hinting at Harrows slowly deteriorating mind and ‘insanity’ 

(All of that, bar like 2 notes, were taken from the prologue, parodos and chapter one, send help please I have no notes from chapter 2 tho lmaoooo)

Moving onto chapter four we can see that the narrative has shifted to put focus on Harrow's past, reflecting back on her relationship with the tomb and its corpse, as well as her early childhood. Harrow had grown up with little to know affection or care given to her from her parents, instead her childhood had been reduced to incessant learning, devotion and practicing necromancy. All the while the notion of her birth had been drilled into her, from as young as she could remember her parents had done well to teach her how much she cost. The ramifications as such would have led to Harrow developing this self hatred and the feeling that she needed to justify her existence very early on in life. 

When talking of the corpse, Harrow mentions how ‘the death of god had been Harrow’s death too’ representing how she felt that her life had ended as a result of her love for the body because it led to the death of her parents and caused just so much more confusion in her mind. Harrow relied on her parents to be her teachers and guardians, but not careers, so in they’re death, it must have been such a shock to her to have these people so suddenly cut from her life, to suddenly have the people she was closest to, even though they were barley close enough, taken from her. Despite the fact that her parents were emotionally distant, Harrow was still greatly attached to them and held them very close. She loved them for it was the death of the people she loved that caused her mind to break as far as it did. I don't doubt that Harrow, even at that age, would have taken full blame for existing as a result of the 200 children, believing that at some point in her adult life she would be able to atone for those sins, she later sees this opportunity in Lyctorhood, having to watch as your parents hang themselves with ‘you’ at the center for they’re reason would have only exponentially increased this guilt and trauma repeating to it she was feeling. leaving her to have to rely solely on Crux for essentially everything her parents had done, even if he hadn’t deceived on what her parents had. 

Her parents death had caused Harrow’s life to change incredibly drastically and for the worse. Harrow had developed the idea that she ‘should have hung herself beside them’ and still believes this. However, Harrow believes that ‘she cost too much to die’, having this internal conflict of being in essentially a constant state of strain from carrying around this unresolved trauma and wanting it to stop but also believing she doesn’t deserve such a luxury as death.

Other than this, one of the only other person Harrow would have been ‘close to’ would have been Gideon, even if she can’t remember, I believe that despite everything she had been taught by her parents, and any presumptions she has or had been taught about Gideon, what Harrow desperately wanted to talk to her, or even be her friend. Harrow was used to being different, being the only child in the entirety of the Drearbruh, decides Gideon. With Harrow having just a general curious nature, I could imagine she possibly wanted to get to know her. However Harrow was unable to communicate her feelings mostly due to her not knowing how. However if this is the case, I'd imagine any kind of interest she’d had toward this aspect of her life was gone the minute she lost her parents. This curiosity turned to genuine hatred as they’re spats continued and they grew up, and Harrow eventually forgot the reason they ever started.

The dissociative episode Harrow experienced at the start of the book is reminiscent of the one she had after her parents death. Similarities between that constantly occurring ‘insanity’, hallucinations, loss of time, long episodes of crying. But a constant that I find particularly interesting is the common occurrence of ‘the body’ appearing in her hallucinations. The body could possibly be her brain trying to create a coping mechanism, focusing on the one thing she finds love and solace in and showing it to her in times when her mind is breaking or when she can’t afford to not have someone there with her. Over time when Harrow tried to ignore the hurt and move past it, she still remained very damaged from the fallout. Her mind had taken refuge in monotony and tradition, this is again referencing her need to cover her face in paint and adhere to ritualistic behaviours she’s taken comfort in. This could be a way of coping, Harrow being able to control these small things allow her to have some peace of mind and allow her to be contemptuous. However, I have reason to believe as a result of the trauma Harrow has developed a form of OCD, her compulsive behaviour very clear in her ritualistic activities, if she is without them or if she is unable to complete these rules she lives her life by great bounds of self hatred fear they’re head. Among these reasons for her conformity to tradition, I believe she does it as a way to deflect from her grief and trauma, by overworking herself in the Ninth house she was able to stop her brain from straying too far, much the same as she has done with her sword in chapter one.

After experiencing all of this, all these emotions for her whole life, then being so foolish as to fall in love with Gideon, was too much. I believe that past Harrow had made a deal with god (🎶to get him to swap our places🎶) to somehow alter her memories, to change the past so she would forget Gideon, to save herself the pain of losing a loved one again. This is the reason for her letters and the reason for the chapters about the altered past, but despite this we can see several times that her mind still remembers, her subconscious is still aware of the ones she’s trying to forget. 

In the previous book, Muir had done such an excellent job of writing the characters and how they’re seen from Gideosn perspective that I had never second guessed any of Harrow’s behaviour, Muir was able to conduct Harrow in such a way wherein she appeared stoic and in great control over her emotions, never letting them slip or show. I now know how I am very wrong in my assumptions. ‘You were leaving, for where you did not know, and you did not know how to feel’ shows this, Harrow has absolutely no control over her emotions, she lets the phases of each feeling come and go over her, often she is u sure of what she would do or how she should respond to certain things. Her ‘stoic’ and reserved persona comes from her ability to mask and repress her feelings to the point of nonexistence, a skill she borrowed from her trauma. From spontaneously feeling love at the age of 10, to only knowing to combat love’s fallout with hate. Harrow has had a hard time understanding and processing emotions, the only ways she is able to deal with them is through anger and hatred. Any feelings or sadness trickle into anger over time, possibly a defence mechanism to protect herself and keep herself reserved, not let anyone get close.

To bring up the topic of her sword again, ‘you could never castrate its anger’ she had given this sword a personality of pure hatred toward Harrow, herself encouraging this hate and attachment to the thing. I believe this is because it’s an unknown situation to her, she holds the sword very dear, but can’t seem to understand all the same. To cope with this lack of understanding she retaliates in anger, lashing out, accusing it of hating her. Possibly how her and Gideon’s hate relationship began. Harrow not understanding why her parents were so opposed to this child and why she should be to, the only way to combat the unknown was through hatred.

While Harrow has a lack of control over her emotions, I have noticed that she feels a great deal of fear. With the mention of ‘she was more afraid of being a child again than anything else in her life‘, this leads me to believe Harrow creates some kind of perpetual vicious cycle. Harrow possibly Associates fair with vulnerability, and being vulnerable with her childhood. The lowest moment in her life. Harrow is practically held together by tape, and is in a constant state of fear breaking and her ending up forgetting who she is like when she was 10, as well as mentioned in chapter 1. Harrow feels fear, and in turn fears her relapsing, then this is what creates a vicious cycle. This fear may stem from how bad her disacocations get. At the end of act one, Harrow’s ‘sword was thrust through Cytherea’s breast for a second time’ which she had not done on her own volition, instead doing it in a state of unconsciousness, this showing that her mind is possibly reliving traumatic events that have happened in the past and in some way are trying to re contract them, suggested by this scene and even further with the ‘nails’ scene. This could, however, not even be Harrow during these moments, but someone else entirely (the body??) as suggested by the fact that she was able to lift the sword.

Overall I have no fucking idea why I spent so long on this lord have mercy, if u read this far, why, and thank u for listening to my completely fucking insane rambellimgs of whatever this shit is. In short, I love this book, I love Harrow, I want to give her a hug and a nice cup of diluted lemon and sugar water (fucking hell harrow u really are a small friail Victorian child, like one whiff of monster energy snd she’s gone). But idk if I’ll do this again because yeah it took a while. It was nice to get my thoughts down. Thank u again!

Other notes: 

Ianthe 💕 

Genuinely tho reading chapter 3 made me cry so much, hearing just how poorly Harrow views herself really hurt, and god knows she’s too stubborn to ever tell anyone or so anything abt it.

I feel as though the emperor has almost adopted the role of ‘older brother’ to all the Lyctors, being both friendly and comforting while keeping them in line, whether they choose to listen or not is up to them. and I love that so much

I still can’t say soundly weather Harrow’s sword is her own or Gideon’s, I’d imagine it is as she is the only one without a rapier, assuming they’re being taken from they’re cavaliers

Ianthe’s protection and love for her sister is something to think about and keep an eye on in future

I trust Augustine, he seems nice

Harrow knows both hers and Ortus’ eye colour, yet is also aware that her eyes are very different from his currently, hoping this causes problems 🤪

The mention that being a child again was almost worse than anything in her life, tf is the almost?

The ‘eggs’ letter in Harrow’s ‘past’ is absolutely beyond me and I can’t think of anything when it comes to theories, and on top of this it genuinely scares me.

Harrow lying about her age is important, why? Again something I need to keep an eye out for later on

There is a pattern with when someone mentions Ortus in the present she will have a kind of reaction followed by passing out.

That was most likely Harrow’s first kiss ngl

I mean I knew she’s a virgin but having it confirmed is so funny I’m sorry, no bitches headass

[sparkbeast20]

You’re my Treasure (Mammon X MC) Pt11

The Blue Lotus petals (series)

As a fan of Beauty X Beast pairing, Showing your “true self” to Lover or (Monster Love) Tropes. I figure to make a (More Demonic Forms AU/head canon) story for each brothers. Heads up each brother’s Story is long as fuck. So, I’ll be posting them as parts and finishing one brother before moving on to the rest of them.

(spoiler for lesson 1-60)

Pt1 Pt2 Pt3 Pt4 Pt5 Pt6 Pt7 Pt8 Pt9 Pt10

Warning: Swearing, Demonic nature, Mention of blood, Past events, Unwanted hate towards a family member, and Attempted murder.

Note: I am really bad at warning.

Previously

The sound of coins being step on quietly filled the cavern, as someone pick up the old book on the ground and return back to sleep.

“So, you don’t want to control my body?” Mammon asks the beast reflected in the lake.

No....I have seen how your brothers treated you, and frankly I think you should fight back!

Mammon pouts at him, not likely the way his saying this.

“Hey! They might be a pain in the ass, but that all family are. Sure, we are at each other’s throats, but we have each others back when we need the most.” The beast huffs at that.

Name one time, you all agree to do something!

“The reaper’s cave”

Hm?

“We might not say it out loud, but we truly wanted to help Beel in anyway possible. Hell, it was a miracle that y/n was there. If was for them giving some of their candle to Beel, we would have made it a regular thing to go back to that cave for Beel.” He starts playing around with his ring, to distract himself from missing his brothers.

It seems that the human choice you out of your brothers why is that?

“y/n is not just a human! And why would you care if y/n choose me?”

I don’t know Mammon, why least you been repeating it in your head over and over causing me to wake up!

Suddenly Mammon felt a lump in his throat, he wants to respond but hesitant for a moment, then he spat it out.

“I haven’t done any of that”

Really? Let me refresh your memories

The last part the beast voice changes into his voice as he starts talking into it.

“I failed as protector and a guardian!” “They deserve better than me!” “Why they have to choose me to love” “Why settle with a weak and pathetic demon like me” “I SHOULDN’T BE SECOND OF THE AVATARS!?!”

Half way of the beast speech Mammon covered his ears, shut his eyes, and grinned his teeth with a snarl coming out of him. But he just keeps repeating his thoughts over his mind. Until Mammon scream.

“OKAY I GET IT!” he drops down it all fours as pant like he was exhausted. “I-I can’t be the demon they all want me to be”

Because you keep letting them to fill your mind with those thoughts, but what you should be doing is SHOW THEM!

Mammon looks back to the lake and asks “What do you mean?”

Kill The demon who attack our mate

“I can’t do that; the bastard knows and what I can do. Even if want to kill him, he’ll just move one location to the other”

Not unless you change into me…...

“I can’t��...” Mammon clenches his hands, digging his talons into his palms drawing blood as his body to tremble in the thought of changing back to that form the memories flood back in his mind, all the fights, the wounds which heals but the mental scars remain, and watching Levi and Asmo change right Infront of him. Their scream of agony rings in his ear as tears and blood drip down in to the ground as he starts to sob.

Are you scare after killing Basto, you’ll go and killing your brother while they’re in those forms?

Mammon quickly nods while his looking down at his bleeding hands.

You don’t have to worry about that

The beast spoke with a softer tone causing Mammon to look back at the lake.

“Wh?”

Look you and I are the same being, when I tell you that all you have to do is stay away from them for a week or two, to have better control over yourself and your instinct you might be the first one out of the seven of you to able to turn into your demonic form without the resist of killing your brothers.

Mammon is done founded about the beast just said.

“How are you sure that I can do that?”

Simple you and Asmo are the only ones that didn’t attack y/n when you get angry and threaten them. And you are the only one who never use violence against them by changing into your demon form. You might be a hothead but you never or will raise a hand to your brothers or to our mate.

Mammon is left speechless, the thing that he been scare of knows him well to the point of trusting him for being himself. He was right as much he hates being the first one to be targeting with name calling because of his sin, is not like his the only one, Asmo calling him a horn dog, Levi with his weird obsession with things and getting emotional, Beel with eating all the time, Belphie with out of nowhere naps and sleeps, Satan with his anger issues, and Lucifer being too proud for his own good.

Their demons now, is something they should be use to. But him have the most control out of the seven of them, makes him fill warm inside. That he should be proud of, and why he should let his brothers tell him that he has no self-control when anger.

But his sin oh yeah! He can’t argue with that, I mean he was willing to help Solomon to forge a pact with Lucifer for the Midas crest, and immediately takes all back when Asmo points out that once he gets the crest, he won’t able to touch you due to the crest make everything he touch turns into gold. It had to take Asmo to point it out, who just said it to openly admit that it will be less competition for him. To realize that he could have made one of his biggest mistakes of his life, for what gold!

Looking back at his hands and/or talons then his wings, looks back at his newly grown tail. It too late, he’s far along of the transformation as he his. If he agrees with the beast’s plan, its going to take some time, means that you need to go back.

“Hey, before I agree to yer plan, let me take y/n back to my brothers”

Mammon…. their better with us then back with your brothers

“Yer crazy!?! What if I kill them!”

MAMMON The last thing we want is our MATE DYING. AGAIN! I’m still a little mad at Sloth for what he did! He’s luckily that y/n forgave him, because if they didn’t rest assure, I would’ve wakened up that day!

Mammon flinch and snarl at just remember that day. Holding your past self in his arms as you choke on your blood causing Belphie. If he’s being honest with himself, sometimes he gets piss off whenever Belphie took a nap at your lap and asks pat his head like, he didn’t try to kill you long ago.

That reflex he just did, get angry when you get hurt or someone trying to hurt you. Maybe his beast does have a point.

“Okay, I’ll do it……I’ll-I’ll change, IF!! You make sure that y/n safety is my-our one goal! Go it!”

Even with a beak the beast smirk at Mammon

You have my word…… also you might feel A LOT of pain!

“Huh?...... Wh?”

Before Mammon can say anything else, he felt a pain in his abdomen, he wants to scream but he bites his lips muffling the scream. As he dug his talons into the ground dragging his hands closer to him. Then the pain slowly got worst by each heart beat and panting.

Soon the he couldn’t take it anymore and let out an agnosies scream.

Then a faith voice calls out to him.

“……Mammon…...”

“Mammon!”

Mammon wakes up from the dream by someone grooming his tail, he slowly opens his eyes and lifted up his head and let out a wake-up yawn. And turn his head to whoever is touching his tail.

His eyes narrows and he groans at the sight who it was.

“Morning Mammon, have a good night sleep” Asmo flash he cheerful smile as he fixes the feathers of his tail. “When is the last time you check your tail feathers, look at them some of them are uneven and others stuck together see….” He points at feathers with the vane split apart with dry blood.

“Oi! I didn’t have a chance to clean myself and beside y/n usually brushes and cleans my feathers so, back off” Mammon squawks at Asmo who just giggle at him.

Right, no one can hear him, well no one expect Lucifer who is close to what he is now. He just has to have you use gestures and his eyes to convey what he’s thinking.

“What a pain in the ass, ya all don’t listen to me when I was normal. Now I have to deal with this crap!?! Tch whatever, the herd must be at the lake at this time. Might as well get some food……. Oh shit! Beel’s here…. Great……”

“I know that you’re not a morning demon, so I know that your cranky. But maybe not try to be loud so you won’t wake up y/n” that snap Mammon out of his train of thought.

Surprise to what Asmo said, Mammon looked down in his arms to see your sleeping form curled up next to his chest as you nuzzle your cheek into in with a smile on your face.

He faces softens as gently rub your face with his, as a soothing cooing and purring comes off from him, causing you to let out a satisfying hum as you fall more asleep.

Then Mammon reaches out with beak for a thick fabric from the nest. Then he slowly and gently lay you on the nest and place the fabric under your head serving as a pillow as you continue to sleep.

Then he stood up leave the nest as Asmo let go of his tail and gazing at his brother’s action. Once out of the nest Mammon stretches bending down then stand back straight shake body ruffle his feathers and once finish the feathers fixes themselves as Mammon being his daily routine beginning with leaving the cave. And Asmo got up and follow his big brother.

“I-I don’t believe it. There’s no SIGNAL HERE!!!” Levi is basically reaching for the havens on top of the tree trying to get a signal for his D.D.D, but to no avail.

“Levi! Get down from there” Lucifer yells at Levi causing to flinch almost letting of the branch he was holding to keep himself balance.

From afar Satan and Belphie watches the two older brothers, with Beel who is cook breakfast inside the cave.

“Its just me or is Lucifer losing~”

“His cool? Yes, I’m all for it” Satan is gleefully smile at the sight of Lucifer completely abandoning all of his calmed and serious demeanor, for an anger, short tempered and animalistic one.

Then suddenly they heard talons being drag through rock behind them, they turn around to see Mammon walking out from the cavern and heading outside with Asmo not far behind him.

“Mammon, your awake you got to see this Lucifer is blowing a casket at Levi~” Mammon just keep on walking out ignoring Satan.

“Wait where you going? Breakfast is about to start” Beel got up from he sits next to the campfire and chase after Mammon.

Once outside, flap his wings and start flying, grabbing the attention of Lucifer and Levi.

“MAMMON!?!” Lucifer calls out to him, as he flew after him grabbing Levi’s arm towing along.

As Levi scream for help fade, Satan look at Asmo with a questionable look on his face.

“What did you do”

“Hey! Don’t look at me like that. I was just cleaning the feathers in his tail; I mean you saw him covered in blood of that bastard. You would have done the same thing” Asmo huffs and walk back inside.

“Oh, before you go, Lucifer was looking for the book that he used. Have you seen it?” but Asmo shook his head, not even looking at Satan as he went in to Help Beel with breakfast.

“Clearly one of us is lying about the book” Belphie said it looking at Satan.

“Obviously, but the question is who is lying”

[kudzushadow]

There for You | Part 1 of 3 | A Harlivy Fanfiction

Summary: After Harley finds Ivy in tears on the floor of the bathroom, realization dawns on her about how hard the past year had been on Ivy, from literally dying (1x12) to mind control. (2x12) They have a heartfelt conversation about the events leading up to the moment, and learn that sometimes it's ok to confide in the ones you care for. (Based on the scene from Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1)

Hurt/Comfort | TW: Past trauma mentions, slight hints of past abuse. | Spoilers for Harley Quinn: The Animated Series & Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1

See bottom for extra notes!

-

"...Ive?" Harley's eyes widened as she rounded a corner and was greeted with a sight that made her heart ache.

Ivy sat on the bathroom floor, head buried in her hands as her whole body shook with sobs. 

Harley was immediately kneeling by her side, arms wrapping protectively around her girlfriend without a second of hesitation. "Shh. It's alright, Ive. Everything's going to be ok…" Ivy had been acting strange since the wedding, but she hadn't been willing to open up to Harley. Now Harley was beyond worried, it was clearly more serious than the redhead had been letting on.

Ivy immediately relaxed into the blonde, tucking her face into Harley's chest. Eventually her sobs quieted down, but Harley could feel her trembling as she held her. While she tried to figure out what to say, she rubbed Ivy’s back comfortingly. 

After a couple moments of silence, after holding Ivy, feeling her tremble, listening to her uneven breathing… seeing her tear stained cheeks… realization began to dawn on Harley. God, she was so stupid and oblivious! She’d been so focused on her own feelings, she hadn’t even begun to consider Ivy’s… and how hard it must’ve been, being stuck in the middle of everything. 

“Ivy… I'm sorry. I’m so sorry… I’ve been so caught up in my own feelings, I hadn’t given any thought to how heavy all of this must weigh on you…” She brushed a strand of hair from Ivy’s face before continuing. “You’ve been through so much this past year, and I’ve been a pretty shitty friend. I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve helped you, should’ve protected you… and if I could go back in time and do it all differently, I would. A thousand times over.”

“...but I can’t, and that’s something I’ll regret as long as I live. Yet you’ve always been there for me, even when I created huge messes… when I joined the Legion of Doom, when I went back to Joker, when I released an army of parademons, when the Injustice League froze me… god, that last one sucked. Yet you rescued me. You always rescue me, Ive. Always help me. Always take care of me, even though I’m not sure I deserve it most of the time…” Harley looked away, shutting her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to continue. “...Ivy, you don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of me. You’re hurting… and that’s ok. We all hurt sometimes, but that doesn’t make us weak… or… or less human. I’m here now though. I want to share that burden with you, if you’ll let me.” Harley looked back at Ivy, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “I love you, Ive. I love you so much… and if you ever… yknow, want to talk about… well, anything at all, really… I just want you to know I’m here.” 

Ivy turned her head away, and the next few minutes passed slowly in silence. Harley held Ivy, didn’t once let go, but with each passing second she became increasingly worried she’d done something wrong. Was it something she’d said? Oh god, had she made it worse? 

“Ive, I didn’t mean-”

“Harley.” Ivy pulled away slightly, raising her head so she could meet Harley’s wide blue eyes. “I-” She paused, choking back a sob. “I hurt you, I hurt Chuck… I hurt so many people… all because I didn’t know what I wanted then… and to be honest, I’m not sure what I want now, either…”

Harley’s heart dropped, and she opened her mouth to respond before Ivy cut her off.

“-...but Harley… so much has happened. You’ve made mistakes, I’ve made mistakes… and you’re trying to change… that’s good, and I’m proud of you… but you're right, we can’t change the past, no matter how hard we try.” Ivy shut her eyes, letting out a shaky exhale before continuing. “Opening up… relationships… hell, just being around other people is… is hard for me… but you showed me the good in humanity. That not all humans are… are monsters. My life before I met you… was… lonely. Even with all my plants, I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to confide in… but I liked it that way. It was safe. Nobody was going to judge me, or… or abandon me... and I guess that’s why I… why I chose Chuck… because he was the safer option.”

I trust you, with my life… but I don’t trust you with my heart.

Harley winced inwardly, but she understood where Ivy was coming from. Harley definitely didn’t have the best track record with… well, anything really. 

So I… I’m marrying Kiteman.

“I was… I was scared. Scared that if I… if I went with what my heart was telling me, it was just going to get broken… and after everything, I just… I couldn’t stand the idea of that happening. Of losing you again…” Ivy trailed off, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

You were my one friend, and I asked you for one favor, but instead you ditched me for the Joker, who treats you like shit! 

“Ivy… I had no idea you felt that way.” Harley spoke softly, using her free hand to lift Ivy’s chin so she could look into those beautiful green eyes… eyes whose depths she often found herself lost in. “I… didn’t know what I really wanted then. It was like… like I was trying to fill a hole inside me… like part of me was missing… and then, that night at the pit…” She smiled, using her thumb to brush a tear from Ivy’s cheek. “That was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I hadn’t realized… I hadn’t realized what it felt like to have someone else care about you. To have someone love you. Joker definitely never cared about me… not in the way you do… and... y'know, maybe I didn’t deserve it. Like I said, I haven’t always been the most reliable… but that changes today… if you’ll give me a shot, that is…”

Ivy looked up at Harley as she brushed the tear away, and smiled sadly. “...You’re trying to change… and that’s what matters. Harls, I do love you. A lot…. More than I care to admit… and… this whole relationship thing is new to me, but… I’m… I’m willing to give it a shot. To give you a shot… and today… today was proof of how much you’ve changed. How much you’re willing to sacrifice for others…” Ivy rested her head on Harley’s shoulder, but her mind was clearly wandering.

“...but that’s not all that’s troubling you, is it?”

“...perceptive as always.” Ivy chuckled halfheartedly, then looked away again. “It’s… it’s fine. It’s nothing important…”

“Well, I am a psychiatrist… but seriously Ive, you can tell me anything.” Harley stroked her cheek. “You know that.” 

“Harley, I really don’t want to talk about it… can we just… can you help me out of this dress?”

“...yeah. Sure thing.” Harley stood up before reaching out a hand to help Ivy up. She definitely wasn’t going to let this drop that easily, but Ivy clearly didn’t want to talk anymore right now… so instead Harley busied herself with the zipper of Ivy’s wedding dress and the sights underneath.

- End of part 1 -

I think all of it copied and pasted? If it looks like anything is missing please lmk!

This... this is what quarantine, lack of sleep, and having covid does to you. Helps you get over writers block. This is my first work I've gone public with, and originally I wasn't going to post it but a friend gave me the confidence to share it! So... here it is, I guess?

I was going to post it on Archives of Our Own too, but I have to wait till the 14th to get an account. 😐

Comments mean the world, even if it's just a couple words. I'll even take criticism to heart! By commenting you all can let me know what you think, and if you want to see the other parts...

Any interaction is appreciated, and my inbox and dms are always open! Thank you, and have a great day! (Or night!)