#i am also quite concerned
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my favourite part of having a viral infection for the better part of a month is when i accidentally lose 8% of my body weight and achieve one of the goals the doctors managing my idiopathic intracranial hypertension set by accident.
#personal#kai rambles#idiopathic intracranial hypertension#chronic illness#i just#yall#ive not been able to eat for the better part of month without throwing up#and for a good week i couldnt drink more than one (1) sip of water every two hours without throwing up#so i lost over a stone#by accident#im just like in awe of this#i genuinely thought like id never hit that goal#because i have serveral other chronic illnesses thst inhibit my ability to eat healthy and exercise#and i take meds for one that has made me gain weight since i was 14#there was simply no way i could do it in a safe and healthy way and i wasnt gonna prioritise it since the evidence is correlations#like theres a correlation between reduced symptoms or iih going into remission AND losing 5% of your body weight#but its not causation#but fuck it apparently the way of hitting that goal is contracting two viral infections sjdksdkekek#i am also quite concerned#because its a lot of weight to lose in four weeks#but it was entirely accidental like its a side effect of being ill#fucking wild#i beg that this lessens my symotons#i spend so much money on eye drops because the only ones effective for me sre everclear so i have to pay their prices
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if yall like the blood version more i’ll clean it up a bit! it’s pretty rough right now LOL
alternatively— double sided keychain? if there’s any interest!
#a sticker of this would have a black background so if i went with the blood version i’d have to mess with the dagger for the sake of contra#i spent way too much time fidgeting with this and i still am not quite happy raaaagh but whatever i’m forbidding myself from fixing anythin#except making the blood look better#because rn there’s a big difference between the blood in the first one and the lazily done blood in the second one lol#my other concern with the blood version is that the blood might look more muddied when printed on a smaller sticker#but i can also convert to cmyk and fuck around with the colors before sending it off to print#which i’ll do no matter what#anyways the frame was super fun i’m really sad i made the background black bc it covers up how nice the lines look#but black is the nicest background color#my art#astarion#astarion ancunin#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#bg3 fanart
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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I stay on that Halloween grindset
#Lisa Frankenstein is my entire personality#and I’ve been in love with Nicholas hoult since I was 16#i like my men pathetic#but also willing to commit murder#is that so much to ask#also my boyfriends back was much better than I expected#it’s very corny and silly#but i enjoyed it#there’s something so charming about it!#also quite a lot of consent for a weird late 80s movie#which shouldn’t be a surprise but…#I’ve seen some concerning 80s movies#lisa frankenstein#warm bodies#am I insane or does literally nothing come up on the warm bodies tag??#I could have sworn there was a pretty substantial fandom for it??#renfield#the trouble with harry#jawbreaker
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Actually it's fine that my academic conference outfits are incredibly shambly (baggy linen overalls and birkenstocks today) because that's the only thing standing between me becoming the besuited asshole guy who bludgeons you into oblivion with the force of his confidence
#i feel BAD cause i'm applying for the same job as one girl here and i'm clearly much more personable!#and like objectively succeeding at the work (unlike three months ago) and also at a really good school in comparatively cushy conditions#it's not my fault if i make people feel bad about themselves and i shouldn't dampen my natural cheerfulness and sharpness#(beyond what's socially appropriate in a given situation. i'm not actually an asshole)#it's ok though because my heart for the lord does shine out i am confident. and that's where the confidence comes from you know#(moki. please report to your sweet roommate who was concerned about my sanctification when i was raging about justin#that in fact what i need to do to get over that is lean into feeling like i'm a justin myself. it's quite sobering.)
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Hi guys! Sorry I haven’t been posting as much lately. Been prepping for artfight and juggling irl stuff on top of it.
#posts something for the first time in a hot second#also someone just followed me with a bio that says ‘do not interact i am a minor’. heh??#How are you going to expect adults to not interact with you if you interact with them#not to be mean. just… concerned about the double standard is all#I’m three years away from 30 and don’t really… get it…#Tbf though I was mostly closeted with tickling stuff until more recently with some exceptions#and those exceptions were because I didn’t quite have a place to go at the time#… okay ramble over lol#sfw tickling community#sfw tickle community
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Listening to Jhariah is like being Walter White in one of those breaking bad edits where he’s in a mario kart level fighting for his life but he hits a big rock and crashes his car and starts ascending into a higher plane as the consequences of his actions start reaching to him to drag him down but he simply rises above
#the klock keeps ticking#jhariah#anyway yeah im liking this new album quite a lot im prepared to be abnormal now#i havent gotten to really properly listen to them yet and form a deep analysis but the last few songs really made me feel things#i was absolutely shaking with excitement when i saw a song called sasuke and i was not disappointed lol#it goes so fucking hard#i also really liked re: concerns and control baby and russian doll and maybe later dance and trust ceremony#and of course pin eye the song that makes me feral#but naur ive glanced the lyrics for control baby and its like. oh god this one is gonna fuck me up forever isnt it#its all very good i am having a good time but im also sleep deprived so everything feels weird lol
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new pfp looks sweeeeet
thanking you very kindly mr. moonfucker of tumblr ! ! !
#random asks#yours fucks also because....... malice mizer yaoi.................#do forgive me for how this sounds i'm honestly quite sleep-deprived.#quite recently i fell into a dreamless sleep i do not remember. like death sucking me away with it.#naturally i am not so close. i am young still. and my physical health is not yet at its most concerning. (':
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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Me: *slightly underweight, tall, with a belly that isn’t “how it’s supposed to be”*
literally everybody else: ok have you tried Dieting
#shut the fuck up#i am TRYING to feel good in my body again!#I am TRYING to remember that eating normally is ok!#I am TRYING to break a generations-long abuse cycle!#I am NOT trying to count my calories or cut down on sugar or go keto or gluten free or some shit#that is not a step in *my* healing process#tw eating disorder#?#it never got quite that bad but my teen years were Tough#i need hjalp#vent post maybe#I am a solid 127 pounds#somehow all my friends are 110 and below#they also eat next to no sugar or meat or protein#and only one or two meals a day#and suddenly I’M the concern?#I am worried about them#but I also need them to shut up about me eating more than one piece of candy a week
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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finally tackled the absolute mountain of laundry in various states of cleanliness around my room. now all of it is sorted and put into its respective zones of "away".
#98% of my room being clean with visible floorspace is just finally handling the laundry#i am ashamed and embarrassed that i always have so much dirty laundry#eventually i'll get back to the point i was at when i was the coach of laundry where i'll have like a week's worth of shit to get done#and not a backlog of several months#eventually#and i will be working on not feeling so much shame about the state of my laundry#i don't *like* that i do it but there's nothing inherently immoral about it like the voice of my mother that shouts in my brain thinks#the put away laundry plus the effort i've been making to Make My Bed before sitting in it has helped me feel more settled in the space#so that's good#when i am not as concerned about blocking the various registers in my room i will be in business#(mattress on the floor only fits in one specific corner right by the intake)#(output register is awkwardly directly in the middle of the opposite side of the room which makes arranging the furniture where i'd like it#an interesting endeavor that i'm not super excited in attempting to orchestrate in the future)#i know where i'd *like* things to go#whether or not that'll actually be feasible is another story#also i think i'm going to have to just go through my clothes with the mindset of actually getting rid of things#i threw out a couple pairs of socks because they were worn so thin i'm not sure mending would have fixed the holes#like that that point i'm making a whole new sock and you know what i could do instead? not do that#i also have a lot of Baggage Items i haven't quite gotten around to divesting myself of#(as in the items of clothing have a lot of emotional baggage tied to them that i may or may not be using to negative effect on myself)#lots of old shit lots of things that don't fit lots of things i don't even like actually#but it was free or nearly so and i've just held onto it because free#only a few things are kept because i like wearing them and the texture is nice#so we'll just. go through some stuff and eventually i'll get to the point that even if *all* of my clothes are dirty and on the floor#it doesn't take up my WHOLE goddamn room#that said this has in fact been a problem my whole life and so i don't imagine it's going to be quick or easy to fix lol
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#i feel like. um. tours go where the audience is#and uh. perhaps. just a theory. two english speaking youtubers are going to have a larger audience#in western counties and especially english speaking countries#they even only have two shows in the very south of canada#wait dam ni did not know canada's population is TEN times less than the USA. that explains a lot#anyways i was just getting to the point that they definitely have dedicated fans all over the world who would love to see them#and they know that#but they have to consider whether they're going to have 50 people in a theatre or 500#and if they're going to be forcing those 50 people to travel great distances or 500 ppl who live right next door y'know#to be quite frank despite the rennassiance i'd say they're still less popular than at the II era#damn WAD had SIX canada shows something's up with that.... maybe it's just bigger venues#seems like WAD has a lot more shows in a lot of places but i did compare the venues in my area and the TIT one is 2.5x bigger#anyways yeah my own example. i'm not sure if i'll go. even tho i'm watchign them again i'm not a Fan like i was back in 2020#damn THREE shows in florida that's insane. why#but yeah even looking at the USA map there's nothing in the northern midwest#i'm sure there are at least 10 phannise in montana who are scrimping and scraping to travel to washington right now#but the fact of the matter is the northern midwest is the most sparsly populated area of the USA#so it just won't pay off to travel there - even tho the % phannie is probably the same as the rest of the USA#the population is low enough multiply by that % = too few people!#and on the europe map we can see they're only going to northern europe#they're not even going to france or spain#now i'm not an expert in europe but i am under the impression that northern europeans speak more english#so more of them will be fans of english-lanuage dnp#and tbh i think the reason they haven't said anything is um. that they expected people to know this.#dnp#also um. ppl talking about this in context of latin america and asia um there's another big continent missing: africa.#but nobody seems concerned about that one because nobody expects there to be dnp fans there#so like people must understand this to some degree#also if dan lost money on WAD it makes sense they'd be more conservative booking venues#it's entirely reasonable to be heartbroken ofc just saying this bc i saw ppl say The Only Possible Reason is racism
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I’ve reached the point in my Fairy Tail rewatch where it’s further along than tfd ever got, which means shit keeps happening that makes me go “fucking WHAT”
#mobbtalks#I’ll be real tfd embedded in my brain more solidly than the actual plot did. because tfd is my baby#specifically I’m on the oracion seis arc which I mostly remember for trying to puzzle around how to like. actually tackle it in tfd#it was next up on the chopping block. when I hit the wall I was like. I’d say 3-4 chapters away from it#so the plot beats I remember -the seis themselves#- the guild alliance and (most) of who’s participating in that#- big weird land thing goes walkabout and they have to destroy all its legs at once#things I did not remember but that have BLASTED me. - Ichiya.#and I. I fucking hate to say it. bc I hated ichiya the first go round but I think he might genuinely be funnier in the sub? god. god.#maybe it’s also because every time I have an episode going I’m also doing a few other things#- the monkey guys. genuinely thought they were a filler side plot didn’t expect them to come back#- Erigor comes back???? I uh. I killed him off in tfd bc I forgot that. haha. whoops.#- fucking *JELLAL* which is something I am. quite frankly. *shocked* I forgot#this guy is at the centre of like. every goddamn arc <- exaggeration#things I half remember which have yet to be confirmed one of which is kind of alarming#- there was a guy who was real obsessed with potatoes?#- I’m pretty sure this brain guy was uh. white. he’s black. he also has a line about switching ‘dark’ and ‘light’. the implications of this#concern me.
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i think i'm not a real person.
#i don't mean this in a concerning way but also it does bother me quite a lot#like i know other people are real. and i am able to interact w them. but i feel very disengaged and like. distanced in a way
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we got one (1) bottle of apple cider from the local employee-owned cidery stand at the farmers market & i have had one (1) glass of cider two days this week. it tastes nice. however i have repeatedly gone "is this alcoholism? i had a stressful day at work & am looking forward to having a drink when i get home. am i becoming an alcoholic???" which is just like. ridiculous
#like i am joking about it but i am also concerned that i am going to do a Bad Coping Mechanism#alcoholism uh kind of. sorry. my dad is an alcoholic if that wasn't implied already by this post. probably evident from everything about me#i had a really miserable week last week & i am trying to decide whether to just quit my job first thing on monday morning. lmao!#irredeemable whining
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