#i am Josiah Project

[writertoselfpublishedauthor]

Lots of CHANGES in Progress.

Some are small and some are God Size!

Would you like to see what has been going on behind the scenes?

[sleezeboss]

Hello!!!

I have been a fan for a very long time and it’s really amazing to see your story and art develop over the past years! I’ve been a follower of BadBeat and it’s reiterations and I’m excited to see where this new project may go. I look up to you as an artist and am greatly inspired by your work.

I have a question about the other characters, such as the other demons (Levi, Mammon, Asmodeus, Lucifer, Satan, Belphi) and other characters (Chandra, Marquis, and Josiah). I see you answered about Belphi being a sworn ex of Bub’s (which poor thing he was so sweet 😢), Chandra being a dealer for them of sorts, and Satan being a rough and negative influence of Bub’s. However, I wonder what else is written about the others and what you are willing to share about them. I know Asmodeus had a big influence on Rex in BadBeat, but I wonder his personality and role as an antagonist now. I also wonder how the other demons play in as well, like the others mentioned. Also I want to know if Marquis and Josiah even exist anymore. Is there any new characters?

I apologize if this ask is long and confusing but I am wondering what you can share before this new story is released and want to know more of the characters not mentioned.

thank you so much for being such a longtime fan! that really makes me happy to hear. So just some clarification before I answer your questions, you got a couple names confused!

Chanda's name is just Chanda, no R.

Joe's full name is not Josiah. It's Giuseppe, but he goes by Joe.

okay the rest of this got LOOOONG, so just a heads up.

I've answered questions a couple times regarding if Mark, Joe and Chanda will be featured in this story, and the short answer is yes; they do have a place in this world and story and they do still exist. Whether or not I make any story content (short story, short comic, etc) about them still remains to be seen. The difficult thing about reinventing your OCs and changing their backstories is that they kind of start to become nebulous and unclear to you again, and you have to relearn who they are in the world when the setting changes. These three in particular have been very uninspiring for me for lack of a better word. I know they seem to be a fan favorite among my audience but I just feel nothing for them at the moment. I'm trying to give them time to simmer on the back burner and see what comes up. Chanda's reinvention as a hag / witch was a good step, but that's all I got. Joe and Mark will still be a vampire and a werewolf respectively but that's all I got.

As of right now, my idea is that the main cast is Bub and Rex. Mark, Joe and Chanda are reoccurring cast members / allies to Brex. An example of a typical "episode" in my head is that Brex checks in with Chanda, get their mission from her, and then they go on their merry way. Meanwhile, Joe, Mark and CHanda would be the B story that is either contained to their own event, or they are aiding Brex in some way.

Ideally I would love for all the devils to have their time to shine as an antagonist. With this setting where Brex are clearly defectors and traitors to their respective sides of a war, they both will have characters from their past coming to try and thwart them or break them apart. Satan, Asmo and Belphi would be considered bigger villains and antagonists because they have direct personal relationships to Bub and Rex, whereas Mammon, Luci and Levi have less stakes in the mix simply because they're not as involved with their interpersonal relationships and backstories. (that may change down the line! who knows.) The devils all have relationships with each other tho, so it's not like they have no reason to be there.

So jumping back to Asmo for a second, I mentioned in another ask that Rex's soul already belongs to a devil due to a deal his mother made before he was born. Lately, I've been thinking it goes something like this: I think the devil who made that deal was Asmodeus. We get this kind of dynamic where Asmo haunts and taunts Rex, but Rex has no idea why. He has night terrors about this devil, and feels his influence all around him, but he's resistant to it and fights it.

When he figures out what happened to him, that his soul was claimed before he was even born, I think he attempts to take matters into his own hands. He actually attempts to summon Asmodeus on his own and confront him. Now, remember- Rex is in a cult of highly dogmatic demonslayers and witchhunters, and is preparing to become the leader, so him dabbling in any kind of summoning magic is highly taboo, even if his end goal is to slay and confront his literal demon, so just go ahead and add all the angst you want to this hypothetical scene :P

Anyways, as fate would have it- he messes up somewhere along the line, and summons Bub instead. I think he was fasting the day he decided to do this to "purify his body" or some shit, and the whole time he's working on summoning a Lust Devil, he's thinking "God I'm starving..." and it dominates the spell summoning spell he's casting hahaha.

Now, another idea I've been chewing on lately- I've been watching a looot of True Blood (old HBO vampire show from the 2000s. I loved it when I was a teen.) and there's a thing in the universe where vampire blood has highly potent magical qualities when ingested by humans. It can heal their wounds and save their lives essentially. When taken recreationally, it's also a very potent aphrodisiac, so when a human has the blood of a vampire, they get very vivid sexual fantasies about the vampire who's blood they are taking.

I have been really inspired by this and want to apply a similar thing to my devils in my world, so I like the idea that when Rex summons Bub, even tho it was an accident, he starts get these potent sexual fantasies and feels this intense attraction to a beast he's sworn to kill. I really love the idea of Rex suffering thru that inner turmoil of being a righteous man in his beliefs, but being so conflicted by what his body wants. while also being ASHAMED. Like, come on! it's not the sexy mysterious and refined devil that's been haunting his dreams- it's this bozo of a glutton devil!

Okay reigning the tangent in and trying to address your last question- I do have a couple new characters for this world! First of all we have a lot of Rex's family as reoccuring cast members / antagonist. Rex's dad is a huge character in his backstory, as well as his mom.

Rex's daughter is a character that will come into play eventually, too. I'm looking forward to designing her for this setting.

and I'm also at that stage in my world building where any new characters I make, I want to find a place for in this world. All my worlds feel connected, Im just that kind of artist where everything I make tends to share similar themes and settings. I have a very very old oc from 2015 who now has a place in this story for example. He's a young exorcist who becomes Rex's mentor when he decides to commit to learning demon magic.

Okay I need to stop here, I can't believe how long this got lmao

[demi-shoggoth]

On Role Models

I'm a Biology teacher, and tonight is open house. Because I teach AP, so I get to do much higher level stuff than the usual freshman Bio class, I'm giving a lecture instead of the more freeform approach most teachers take. That lecture is titled "How I Hacked My DNA, and You Can Too". And I'm going to talk about how your body is a constant dialog between cells of different types, including a whole ecosystem living in your large intestines. Thinking about human life in terms of evolutionary theory can help us understand those interactions better. Homo sapiens humans are the last humans standing because they were the ones that moved into marginalized habitats and found new and creative ways to gather food. There's a reason why human cities attract "specialized generalists" like foxes, rats, crows and raccoons. It's because those animals are also good at living in the margins. And so your health, mood, and life will be better if you remember that you're an omnivore with lots of different systems that draw from your diet and your gut bacteria, so take care of them. Eat more fermented foods, eat a wider variety of foods, supplement them with small doses of targeted vitamins and minerals rather than chugging down a bottle of pills every week.

And I'm introducing this with the story of Josiah Zayner.

If you watched "Unnatural Selection" on Netflix, Zayner is a major figure. They are a biohacker, and were experimenting with using CRISPR to modify the genes of people in vivo. Specifically, by selling DIY CRISPR kits at cost, and injecting themselves with myostatin blocking genes in order to give themselves huge muscles. And I watched "Unnatural Selection" and thought, that's a supervillain origin story. That's if the Green Goblin was a hipster.

But Zayner also recognized that they were on a dark path. Once they realized that letting untrained people possibly do permanent damage to themselves was a bad idea, and when corporations started sniffing around on how to monetize it, Zayner took a step back. And understood that their attempt to go full super serum was because they were dissatisfied with their appearance.

This is Jo Zayner now. She/they, emphasis on the she, just like I am. And now they're working on projects to make transition and playing with gender expression safer and easier, like biochemical breast implants that degrade in 48 hours. And she's working on making vaccines that are safer and have less side effects and you don't have to go through a big corporation to get them.

Now, Jo Zayner is one of my heroes. And I'm going to share that story with a roomful of parents and students, and I wanted to share that with you.

[jay-avian]

Writeblr Intro

Hey there everyone! My name is Jay Avian, and I am a young writer hoping to share my works, get some feedback, and meet fellow writers.

About Me

I go by she/her. I'm a Christian who loves reading fantasy, folklore, and poetry. I like watching YouTube mainly now (Mithzan and YourPalRoss being my top two). I write my own poetry, which I'll post on here from time to time. You can find where I post my poetry here! I also like riddles, so if anyone wants to trade some back and forth, please feel free to message!

I am currently open to editing commissions! You can find the details here or you can DM me any questions you may have.

My WIPs

I have far too many projects at the moment. From short stories to novels to possible blogs, I'm currently writing in a few different genres. I mainly stick to fantasy but I like to venture out. Here are some of the main projects I'm passionate about.

Feel free to ask me any questions about my projects. I'd be more than happy to answer them! Can't wait to show you what I have in store!

The Court Magician (fantasy, action)

The great sage Josiah passed away and the kingdom of Stellaris needs a new court magician. Micah Cyprus, a studying wizard in druidic magic, is volunteered for the position by his mentor unwillingly. Things are very slow going working for the king and his menial requests. The worst part is he is to remain on castle grounds and attend to his majesty. But when Micah looks through the sage's notes, he discovers a secret threat to the kingdom. Can he protect Stellaris while being chained to it?

Morgensturm (fantasy, action)

Harelan was an eager young dragonborn who wanted to explore the world. When sneaking away on a trading ship, the crew gets attacked by the infamous Captain Caspian Barrack. In a deal gone wrong, Harelan finds himself a part of the pirate's crew. The duo go on many adventures together and get themselves into more trouble than they can handle. Some people will do what they can to tame fate, determined to conquer and be in control. But what will they do when they fall in high water with hopes to go past without paying the toll?

Fantasy Tea WIP (slice-of-life)

A prohibition has been inacted on potions in the kingdom, forcing Krig Petalwort, a goblin alchemist, to close his shop. Meanwhile, Nedwyn Amberwood, an eager halfling entrepenuer, wants to open up a new tea house in town. She takes over the potion shop while the alchemist helps out around the shop garden. Later on, they discovers that their tea can give minor potion effects. Suddenly, their business is booming with customers and needy adventurers. Follow their stories as they try to maintain a low profile as a well-to-do cafe.

Fight Club Isekai WIP (action)

Starving artist Skylar has been struggling to make ends meet, using the arts (both martial and otherwise) to express herself. But when she tries to skip town in order to find some sort of escape, she finds herself in a new world entirely. This world is almost like her own except with one main difference... People do battle with magic cards? Rather than trouble herself with the bigger, world-renowned tournaments, she tries her luck to make easy money with the underground fight clubs instead. With the help of her new "friend" Kody, how far will she get? And more importantly, will she find a way home?

Kingdom Hearts Fanfic (action, fantasy?)

[cr-noble-writes]

7 snippets, 7 mutuals

Thanks for the tag @stormikins!!

I am currently working on a bunch of stuff that I cannot actually share because its for exchanges and bangs, but I've got plenty of backup material for this lmaooo no pressure tags: @nickelkeep @bleuzombie @imbiowaresbitch @rotschopf-thedrow @rowanisawriter @mallaidhsomo and @otemporanerys

Viaticum- Akuze

Report: Project Apophis Dr. Josiah Wayne 01-04-2177 I think we’re getting somewhere. The second test group fared slightly better than the first. Dampening autonomic pain responses gave us an extra three minutes before the non-biotic subject began deteriorating. More interesting, however, is the effect on the biotic subject. Subject experienced powerful, uncontrolled flares resulting in broken monitoring equipment, and lived nearly twice as long as their non-biotic counterpart. I never thought I’d see eezo nodules explode like that. Johnson will be cleaning up the mess for weeks. There is very little material left that is viable for further testing, but we are gathering as much as we are able to make further adjustments to the compound. Ouroboros is transferring the subjects they were able to stabilize back to us. It’ll give us one extra test group before we need to acquire more subjects.

2. The Ties That Bind- mShenko Vampire AU

Blood rushes in Alex’s ears. His vision blurs, and he looks down at the table. He tries to breathe, but his lungs refuse to cooperate. He trusted Kaidan. It’s like his legs have been swept out from under him. The scream building in his mind escapes as a whisper. “It’s your fault. All of it. Everything I’ve been through is because of you.” Betrayal settles like a lead weight in the pit of his stomach. His mouth tastes bitter. The world spins to a halt and closes in around him, and he needs to get out. He turns, stumbling over the leg of his overturned chair and all but runs for the door. Alex doesn’t look back, just keeps moving until he’s out of the house and into the open air of the orchard. It’s a clear night, the breeze cool against his suddenly overheated skin. Above him, the moon is nearly full, and the thick darkness of the heavens is blanketed in stars. They twist and blur in his vision as he struggles to catch his breath. He can’t think straight. Memories flit through his mind at breakneck speed. The searing pain of a brand he received at eight years old. Blood on his own hands. Years of training, fighting, killing. His mother’s voice telling him it wasn’t his fault. He chokes on them, failing to his knees. Instinctively, he spreads his fingers in the grass, digs into the soil beneath. He draws strength from nature, squeezing his eyes shut and fighting for calm.

3. I Shouldn't Hope to Know- mShenko Regency Horror AU

The front parlor of Shepard’s townhouse is eclectic. A collection of model ships, piled books, and tapestries depicting events that occurred in ancient mythologies that Garrus is unfamiliar with. It is far too early in the season for the fire that roars in the hearth; it leaves him with a sheen of sweat that trickles down the back of his neck and soaks the starched collar of his shirt. Shepard, of course, seems perfectly comfortable. It had taken some time for Garrus to acclimate to Shepard’s habit of being half-dressed when he visits, but after all the years of their friendship, he’s no longer uncomfortable with Shepard sitting across from him without shoes or cravat, his shirt untucked and unbuttoned, and his long hair hanging loose over his shoulder. He’s quite certain, however, that he will never be used to the birds. One of them—Garrus has never been able to tell them apart—ruffles its wings and coos softly, settling onto Shepard’s shoulder as he leans back with a tumbler of whiskey in his hand. The other is nowhere in his line of sight, but his eyes dart around the room in search of it.  Shepard watches Garrus silently, his free hand flexing through a tremor before he tucks it between his thigh and the arm of his chair. The intensity of his stare is increased by the way the firelight plays against his blue eyes, and Garrus sighs as he reaches for his own drink. “I take it this is not a social call.”

4. Argonauts, chapter 1- mShenko, ME1

The sharp look in Anderson’s eyes bores into Alex; he’s not going to let it go. He nods sharply and presses a button on his end of the table. The center of it illuminates, projecting an image of the clearing they’d dropped in on Eden Prime. A smattering of tall trees surrounds a pond. Between them, metallic spikes stretch toward the sky, breaking the gentle flow of nature. “You said you found these spikes all over the colony. What are they?” Alex stands and leans over the table, staring down at the image for a long moment. The creatures that had overwhelmed Jenkins—gray-skinned monstrosities covered in mechanical tubes and wiring that somehow managed to keep coming for them despite limbs twisted at unnatural angles and crushed by stone from a fall no human would have been able to survive—come from those metallic spears. He can still hear the unearthly screeching, still feel the crackling electricity emanating from their bodies. Suppressing a shudder, he says under his breath, “Sow the teeth of this dragon and defeat the army that springs forth.” A heavy silence hangs in the air as Alex looks up. Three pairs of brown eyes, all focused on him. Expectant. Even Anderson looks to him for answers he doesn’t have. Shit has only just gone sideways, and already he feels the pressure. The heavy weight of an invisible mantle of responsibility settles squarely on his shoulders. “The Geth are using them to turn our own people against us by turning them into biomechanical husks.” He pauses, taking a deep breath before he continues, “I’ve been referring to them as Dragon’s Teeth.” The four of them continue to stare down at the image, the implications thickening the tension palpably. Williams breaks the silence first. “Guess that makes us the Argonauts.” Alex meets her gaze and nods sharply. “And Saren is our Golden Fleece.”

5. Argonauts, chapter 2- mShenko, ME1

“Any chance you two could stop looking like off-duty Marines for five minutes?” Kaidan raises an eyebrow. He’s about as casual as he can get in jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of sneakers that have definitely seen better days. Williams is similarly dressed, though her clothes are brand new. “But we are off-duty Marines.” Williams snorts and crosses her arms over her chest. “What exactly is wrong with the way I look?” “You look like authority,” Shepard says. “Authority will scare off the best source of information we’ve got.” Kaidan glances over at Williams, and she shrugs. A criminal informant maybe? “Okay, how do you suggest we look less ‘like authority’?” “Loosen up, maybe slouch a little. Stop scanning the room like you’re looking for threats.” Shepard pauses, fingers tapping lightly against his thigh. “Maybe try untucking your t-shirt, Alenko. Resist the urge to stop them from picking pockets. Do not, under any circumstances, call me sir.”

6. Argonauts, chapter 3- mShenko, ME1

“How would you assure the Alliance public that your loyalties lie with them, given both your familial background and your connection to notable crime lord and so-called ‘Queen of Omega’, Aria T’Loak?” Shepard grips his hand so hard his knuckles go white, and Kaidan moves closer. “I would say that my ten years of service to the Alliance speak for themselves.” Miss al-Jilani nods. “The service that includes an incident on Akuze in which, according to the official story, you were able to escape after the rest of your unit was killed by thresher maws?” “Sorry to interrupt, sir,” Kaidan says, turning Shepard’s attention to him. His ability to appear composed would be uncanny, except the fire in his eyes is a dead giveaway for anyone who is paying attention. “Captain Anderson is asking for you.” Shepard examines Kaidan for a moment before turning back to the reporter. “My apologies, ma’am, but I need to return to my duties.” He turns and starts walking, and Kaidan follows at his heels. “One last question, Commander Shepard!” the reporter shouts. “Do you think humanity will finally get the respect we deserve?” Shepard stops so abruptly that Kaidan has to sidestep to avoid a collision. His hands fist at his sides, and he takes a deep breath. He turns to face her, takes two steps toward her, and says, “What respect is that, Miss al-Jilani?” She takes a step back and opens her mouth, but Shepard continues without giving her time to speak. “The kind of respect humanity is looking for has to be earned. I, for one, am glad to be actually working toward earning that respect.” He turns on his heel and walks away.

7. As yet untitled Durgetash fic- BG3 act 3 and dark urge spoilers

“What a suitably gaudy home you’ve made for yourself, Archduke.” Gortash’s fingers tighten over the top of the chair, but he otherwise has the sense not to show how much the familiar voice startles him. “Nearly as meretricious as the title itself.” Gortash ignores the fear that curls in his stomach, instead allowing the slow spread of a smile across his mouth as he turns to face his uninvited guest. The tiefling lounges like a lion, lazy from the hunt, in a plush chair near the window. A sliver of moonlight glints off the purplish-black scales that mark the draconic blood that runs in his veins, and glowing yellow eyes stare with an intensity so familiar as to be nearly unbearable. Perhaps he has not changed so much as Gortash initially believed. “However did you manage to find yourself here, my dear assassin?” “For all your apparent paranoia,” Calamity begins with a graceful shrug of his broad shoulders. He flicks his wrist, and the candles on a nearby candelabra burst into flame, casting a dim orange glow across his blue skin. “You’ve forgotten to defend against the simplest of illusions. Your tin army cannot see invisible things.”

[plasma-legendary]

welcome, strangers! it's about time i give this blog a real introduction!

as my info says - i'm Jay, & i really like Team Fortess 2.

i write primarily in Word 2010, in 11pt Euphemia, colored to #006666.

i don't have a DNI - i don't mind what you ship, how you identify, or what you believe, just please understand that all headcanons are unique to the individual & my thoughts on the game & its characters might conflict w/ yours, & that's okay!

the above being said, i am an adult, & TF2 is an M-Rated game. as such, i believe the writing i produce, & the characters my writing is based off of, are 'mature' subject matters.

my fics have been tagged accordingly, but please be aware that mature themes can & do appear in my content!

the main characters i've been writing w/ are:

Josiah, BLU's sniper, & Basil, RED's spy.

-

Josiah is 32 & expectedly Australian.

• BLU's sniper for two years

• he's very good at being by himself, & prefers it to the company of others; can become anxious in crowds

• has never met the RED sniper, & doesn't particularly care to

• does not have any pets, but finds wildlife fascinating; in that same vein, he appreciates music greatly but cannot play any instruments

• potentially asexual, but he admittedly doesn't give it much thought very often; panromantic

• isn't great at remembering to do laundry

• has a brother he doesn't really talk about - not because they don't get along, but because Josiah finds him uninteresting, as he has a very 'normal' job & lifestyle compared to Josiah

-

Basil is 34 & proudly French.

• RED's spy for longer than he cares to admit

• unexpectedly social, & enjoys get-togethers & cocktail parties w/ intelligent, like-minded individuals

• sociopathic tendencies, which are often repressed in favor of making more pleasant 'first impressions' [this is to imply the actual, diagnosable, real-world condition of sociopathy - not a shorthand for 'sadistic bastard']

• is not scout's father

• bisexual & aromantic; believes Miss Pauling to be his platonic soulmate, & the feeling is reciprocated

• engaged in a very long & traumatic relationship w/ the BLU spy, prior to the BLU being hired

• part of a rather large family, but has not met most of his extended family / half-siblings

-

a lot more information is found in my fics, which you can read here!

you can interact w/ my characters if you'd like!

i don't mind other snipers / spies, even if the same team color.

you can also ask me questions about TF2 if you'd like! i used to play competitively, & i have ~10,000 hours in the game. [i just aged myself, didn't i?]

nice to meet you all [again! after all this time!]

[skylarynns-silverado]

Character Source List

Sources [usually films or television shows - anything else will have notation] will be in bold. Characters will be formatted with their in-universe name, followed by the original character in italics. Name formatting will be [First Name] [Middle Name] ["Nick Name"] [Maiden Name/Original Surname] [Married Name/Taken Surname] as applicable. I will probably also be adding links to everything, but later.

Wanted: Dead or Alive 1958-1961 Joshua Everett "Josh" Randall - Josh Randall

Rawhide 1959-1965 Randolph Jacob "Rowdy" Yates - Rowdy Yates

The Magnificent Seven 1960 Franklin Vaughn "Frank" Randall - Vin Giovanni Vittorio "Gio" Auditore - Bernardo O'Reilly Brittony "Britt" Calvin - Britt Byron Allen Lee III - Lee Carlos "Chico" Hernandez - Chico

The Dollars Trilogy 1964-1966 Jonas Blake "Joey" Yates - The Man With No Name / Joe/Manco/Blondie

Hang 'Em High 1968 Jeremy Cooper "Jed" Yates - Jed Cooper Rachel Warren - Rachel Warren

Once Upon a Time in the West 1969 Emilio "Harmonica" Arman - Harmonica Jorge Gutierrez - Cheyenne

Rustlers' Rhapsody 1985 Revelin "Rex" O'Houlihan - Rex O'Herlihan Peter Twist - Peter

Silverado 1985 [to be honest I'm taking almost all the characters, but main characters/love interests:] Emmett Martell - Emmett Paden Cassidy - Paden Tyree Ransom Ekker - Tyree Hannah Kincaid Weslan [Cobb] - Hannah Weslan Malachi "Mal" Johnson - Malachi "Mal" Johnson Jacob "Rattlesnake Jake" Martell - Jake Stella Bonneville - Stella Rae Johnson - Rae Johnson Phoebe Hartshorne - Phoebe

Quigley Down Under 1990 Matthew Quigley - Matthew Quigley

Maverick 1994 Bret Maverick [Jr.] - Bret Maverick Annabelle Bransford - Annabelle Bransford

The Marshal 1995 Veronica "Ronnie" Davis - Veronica Cole

The Quick and the Dead 1995 Jessamy "Jessie" MacIntyre - The Lady / Ellen Cameron "Cam" McPhee - The Kid / Fee Herod Cortney "Cort" Cobb - Cort

The Magnificent Seven 1998-2000 [much like Silverado I'm taking almost all the characters, but main characters/love interests:] Christian "Chris" Larabee - Chris Larabee Vincent Ulysses "Vin" Tanner - Vin Tanner Nathan Jackson - Nathan Jackson John Daniel "J.D." Dunne - J.D. Dunne Buck Wilmington - Buck Wilmington Ezra Phineas Standish - Ezra Standish Mary Travis - Mary Travis Casey Welles - Casey Welles Inez Recillos - Inez Recillos

Firefly 2002 Robert Malcolm "Bobby" Reynolds - Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds Zoe Martinez - Zoe Alleyne Washbourne Jayne Cobb - Jayne Cobb Eleena Vasquez - Inara Serra Simon Morgan - Simon Tam River Morgan - River Tam Kaylee Frye - Kaywinnit Lee "Kaylee" Frye Sheppard Book - Derrial Book

Supernatural 2005-2020 John Winchester - John Winchester Dean Winchester - Dean Winchester Samuel "Sam" Winchester - Samuel "Sam" Winchester

3:10 to Yuma 2007 Daniel "Dan" Evans - Daniel "Dan" Evans William "Will" Evans - William Evans Benjamin "Ben" Wade - Ben Wade Charles "Charlie" Prince - Charlie Prince

Six of Crows 2015 Caspian/Casimir "Caz" Zima Winters - Kaz Brekker Haruko - Inej Ghafa Christophe "Kit Benny" Benoit - Jesper Fahey Wyatt Vanderbilt - Wylan Van Eck Hannah "Nan" Gallagher - Nina Zenik

The Magnificent Seven 2016 Samuel "Sam" Chisolm - Sam Chisolm Joshua "Josh" Faraday - Josh Faraday Manuel Vasquez - Vasquez Goodnight "Goody" Robicheaux - Goodnight "Goody" Robicheaux Billy Rocks - Billy Rocks Red Harvest - Red Harvest Emma Cullen - Emma Cullen

The Hunters 2020 [a series I am currently working on writing] Elias Hawkins - Elias Walker Hawkins Lucas "Luke" Hearne - Faolan Lucas "Luke" MacTiernan Auryon "Aury" Hearne - Auryon "Aury" Hearne-MacTiernan Hawkins Sebastian "Owl Eyes" St. James Cheyenne - Sylvain Alistair Abigale "Abby" McKenzie - Kindra Arden

Jessta James Music Videos 2021-2022 [specifically Hell's Coming With Me, Loaded Gun, and War Cry] Josiah "Josey" James - Jessta James

Original Characters 2023+ [that I've made for the project] Melissa "Missy" Ekker - Tyree's mother Bethany "Beth" Skinner - a love interest

[edgy-ella]

~~THE EDGY ELLA MASTERLIST~~

Hello! Welcome to my Tumblr. Yes, it is I, the great and powerful Edgy Ella. This is my personal blog, not dedicated to any one fandom, so I post all kinds of things on here. Below the cut are links to my socials, projects I’m working on, some of my biggest and/or favorite posts on here, etc.

Socials:

Twitter: Here

YouTube: Here

Archive of our Own: Here

Discord: Here (this is primarily a server for Iron Touch)

Ongoing Projects:

Iron Touch: A JoJo fanpart that takes place between Golden Wind and Stone Ocean starring Polnareff’s daughter as the lead. Don’t forget to leave comments and kudos!

Conversations With Mike: A FNAF rewrite meant to streamline the story while adding some new plot details in to keep things interesting. Written in collaboration with @allshaftsfall. Alternate link here.

Culture Shock: A JoJo fanpart set in an original universe starring Josiah Jones, a former convict as he tries to start a new life for himself in the crime-riddled trenches of Midnight City. Written in collaboration with @allshaftsfall; I joined the project as a scriptwriter and creative consultant from Chapter 13 onwards. Alternate link here.

Completed Fics:

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure:

Little Diamond: A short fic of Tomoko finding Josuke in the hospital after his battle with Kira. Completed on 6/18/2021.

Water Boiling on the Seafloor: While traveling via submarine to Egypt, Polnareff has a little chat with Avdol about the whole "faking his death" thing. Completed 5/27/2023.

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Unlike Mechs, I Can Grow: Being a teenager, Sonic was bound to hit his growth spurt at some point. His robot doppelganger wishes it could say the same. Completed 4/22/2022.

(All of my fics are rated either G or T on AO3. Don’t worry—there’s no smut to be found here.)

Side Blogs:

@iron-touch: A blog dedicated to my aforementioned fanpart, where I post chapter updates, author’s notes, and reblog any fanart of the fic I see

@futuresmashmemes: My smash bros meme blog where I post about stuff that could happen in Smash Bros (and some of it did!)

The Tumblr Archives:

Ella Essays: Wanna hear me ramble? These are my theories, analysis posts, and headcanons about anything and everything I wanna talk about.

Hall of Fame: Posts from this blog with 100 notes or more.

DNI List:

I’ve never been much of a blocker or “if you like this thing, don’t breathe in my general vicinity or I’ll chop your hands off” kind of a person, so anyone is free to interact with me if they want. However, there are types of people that I usually don’t get along with or feel uncomfortable talking to.

Proshippers: I’m not a shipping guy and stay out of ship discourse, but I don’t have a good track record with proshippers. If you can’t handle me dunking on your problematic ship, then we probably won’t get along.

NSFW/kink accounts: No thank you, not my thing. Not on main, anyways. I don’t mind if you post NSFW on a side account, though.

MAPs: Pedos can suck my big fat adult cock

Skinny shamers: Body shaming of any kind is incredibly rude, but for whatever reason people seem to think skinny shaming is the exception. If you unironically have a “fuck the skinny bitches” mentality, keep in mind that I am the skinny bitches in question.

[letstalkwhump]

Let's Talk Whump

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! I’m Malice and I’ll be your host today. 

Today’s I’m talking whump with the amazing @lonesome–hunter!

(this blog and the recommended pieces contain NSFW and are 18+)

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump! Would you mind sharing a little about yourself?

Howdy! My name is Sarah but everyone usually calls me Lonesome. I'm an elder here in the community lol. I love thrifting, smoking pot, birdwatching and Disney World (I live so close to it). My favorite colors alternate between black, various greens and burnt orange. I truly love all animals. There's no way I could pick just one. I am particularly fond of moths, owls, elephants and exotic birds. 

I'm a big stoner goth aunt and I love connecting with people. So feel free to come talk to me anytime!

What does whump mean to you? 

It's absolutely an outlet for me. When I was a kid I couldn't figure out why I liked seeing people tied up in people's basements in movies and on TV so much but it never left my mind. Those feelings are there, the excitement. When I started writing in fifth grade I realized I could produce those feelings by writing the stories myself.

And trauma dumping through fictional people is almost therapy lol.

And how did you find the whump community? What made you want to join? 

During the first season of Supernatural I got on live journal and found other SPN communities. Then I fell down a rabbit hole that led me to whump. I finally had a word and a whole bunch of people who felt the same way which felt validating after being told I'm weird from teachers and family members.

During the pandemic I reconnected with it when I was in a dark place and really got into what everyone was doing. I thought "maybe I can do this". The rest is history.

Do you think your view on whump changed since you joined in terms of trope enjoyment or consumption style?

My view on whump has always been the same really. No one is hurting anyone and with proper warnings we can write the darker stuff some of us really enjoy.

I can't really say there are any I changed my mind over. Any trope can be good if it sucks you in with the writing. 

And your favourite whump tropes because it’s guaranteed there’ll be more than one!

 Ooh wee here we goooo lol. I dig dehumanization, whipping, sadistic whumpers, noncon, water torture, stress positions, begging. So many.

Time to share your awesome writing. Do you have a favourite piece you've written? 

So my first main series “The Devil’s Highway” has been my baby for three plus years and I’m excited to rework it now that I have more tools at my disposal. That being said, I really am proud of what I did with “Bury Me Beneath The Weeping Willow Tree”. It features some heavy TWs so be mindful of that but that almost stopped me from wanting to do it. Would showing Big Boy and Darlin’s graphic murder be too far? Probably lol. But I really dug deep in and got emotional writing it honestly. And it shows Ezra that this weird love Josiah has for me won’t protect him like he thinks it will. It didn’t work for Big Boy. Those two guys are secretly my favorite and I’m most excited about reworking that particular story.

Your imagery is deliciously brutal and creepy. I’m obsessed with it, it’s that good! Do you have a writing routine or is it more when inspiration strikes?

Definitely a night owl. I can’t focus until it’s dark out. Gotta have water and a little sweet drink to keep me focused. I tend to write when something strikes, lately it’s been extremely dry for me creatively but I’m trying to stretch my legs again and get back into it.

And do you find that it’s easier to write some things over others?

I can write the hell out of dreams, surrealism and atmosphere. That’s always been my favorite thing to do writing wise. Also death fics are fun lol.

Dialogue is my least favorite and it probably shows but can’t get better without practice.

Is there anything you're working on at the moment?

Been working on the rework of The Devil’s Highway, started a fun little prompt series about a bunch of masked men and I have another forced to fight series with slow burn romance than I’ve ever done before.

Do you have a joke or pun you would like to share to spread some smiles today?

I wish I could remember the dad joke my customer told me last night that sent me into a coughing fit but I have another one for you.

"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."

That got a laugh out of me! Is there any writing advice you’d like to share?

Just have fun. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself and just write for yourself.

And tag your stuff!

Shout out to your favourite writing/whump blogs, bffs or people who've inspired you. We're hyping everyone one up here!!!

Oh man there's so many I could be here all day but these folks have truly helped me so much over the years and I would die for them lol

@knivestothroats, @galaxywhump, @girlsjustwannadrawwhump, @evermetnotforgotten, @redstainedsocks, @coldresolve, @whumpshaped, @whumpfigure, @ephemeral-phosphorescence, @whump-me-all-night-long, 

Anything you'd like to add?

Save Florida from Facists!

So good to have you here today, @lonesome--hunter! 

And to all you folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[julialouisdreyfest]

Tongues Interview

Tongues is a Garage Rock/Punk band from the famously sunny and dry city of Seattle Washington. It is also famous for not having any musical artists coming out of Seattle. Nothing to note with coffee, or online marketplace companies. Anyway- Tongues is going on tour in August and stopping by Billings to play a set, and they had the time to answer some questions from us, to let you guys get to know them a little better.

Q: First off- names, instruments, and a description of the worst haircut you’ve ever had

A: Dylan Morgan, vocals

Cameron Gack, Guitar

Josiah Muldowney, Bass

Rily Livingston, Drums

Josiah wins worst haircut for looking like a blonde lord farquaad 2 years ago

Q: The Feral Hands ep fucking fucks! Goddamn! Pound for pound one of the best things I’ve heard all year. You guys released two of the tracks, Ooze Blues, and Guts, as singles leading up to the EP release. Was there anything in particular that made you pick those two as the singles? Besides the fact that they rip?

A: We released Guts and Ooze Blues as singles mainly because they rip. But we also felt like the other songs off of the EP ripped so hard that we didn't want to give them away. We wanted to make sure people could listen to them with the context of the full EP.

Q: I always felt like Seattle might have a similar thing with New York where there’s a little bit of an oversaturation of bands, making it sort of hard to “break through”- sort of a blessing and a curse of being in such a big and vibrant music community. is this accurate? Or is that not as big a deal as I am thinking it is?

A: We wouldn't say the Seattle music scene is oversaturated. There are a lot of bands and musicians and artists, but there is also a lot of variety. There's something for everybody and it feels fair to say that if you work really hard then people will recognize and appreciate that.

Q: How did you guys meet? Are you guys all from Seattle?

A: I (Cameron) am from Seattle. I played in a few bands with Josiah and actually started Tongues in 2022. The project was on hold while i tried to figure out what I wanted to do with it. One day, I randomly decided to check the musicians wanted page on craigslist and found an ad for a female singer with a similar music taste as me. That was Dylan, she had just moved to Seattle from Ohio two weeks before I met her, and after a few meetings we decided we both wanted to make a high energy, fast paced and intense punk band. I brought Josiah in to play drums because we had worked together for the past two years but he eventually switched over to bass. When I was playing in a different band I had played a show with Rily, and he told me that he was moving to Seattle from Montana in a few months. I remember being really impressed with his drumming so when he moved here I asked if he wanted to try drumming for Tongues. Once we were all together we pretty much clicked right away and got the ball rolling as fast as possible.

Q: What is the songwriting process for you guys? Is someone bringing fully written songs to practice? Or are you all collectively sorta jamming out ideas and writing them as you go? I can see the songs you guys have as potentially being written by either process

A: The songwriting process for us has a lot of building parts. Usually Gack comes to practice with a riff or idea on guitar and since we have similar influences we're able to just jam through a song and figure out how it should sound as we go. I usually write the melody and the lyrics after I have a good recording of it and we just work on tweaking little things until we have something we like. Although we're always changing and tweaking the songs even after they're recorded

Q: Anything in particular you are looking forward to for this year’s Dreyfest, or anything you are looking forward to in Montana/Billings?

A: We're looking forward to getting out of Washington and showing Montana our music and performance. This is the first time outside of Washington for tongues so we're excited to show everyone what we got. Rily, our drummer is from Montana so it will be rad to play where he's from and see the people who support him.

Q: What’s the best thing/album/song you’ve listened to that came out in 2024? Or the most recent thing that you’ve heard that you really liked?

A: It's hard to nail down the best thing we've heard in 2024 so far, we definitely want to shout out our Seattle friends who are making amazing music though. Ugly Bunch's Going Sour and Rocky Fall's Slow Burner are great albums. We also love Zookraught's song Chew Tobacco, Spit. Those are all our Seattle friends and they're worth checking out if you like our music.

Q: What is next on the agenda for Tongues? Touring on the EP? Any plans to record anything new?

A: Dreyfest will be a part of our summer tour where we are kind of showing off the songs on Feral Hands. We're writing the next album along the way. If anyone sees us while on our tour they'll probably hear us play and feel out our new songs. Our goal is to have the next project out by early next year. It's going to be bigger and gnarlier than Feral Hands.

fuck / marry / kill - “Kind Regards”, “Best Wishes”, “Sincerely”

kill kind regards, fuck sincerely, marry best wishes

fuck / marry / kill - The Seahawks, the Mariners, the Kraken

fuck the seahawks, fuck the mariners, fuck the kraken

fuck / marry / kill - Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden

fuck alice in chains, marry pearl jam, kill soundgarden

fuck / marry / kill - Starbucks, Amazon, Microsoft

kill starbucks, kill amazon, kill microsoft

Catch Tongues at Craft Local on Saturday, the 10th at 10:15 PM!

[writertoselfpublishedauthor]

Calling All God’s Warriors and Prayer Warriors Unite!

[iamjosiahmovie]

“i am JOSIAH” would like to welcome Kurtis Blevins, Castmember #54, to the team.

My name is Kurtis Blevins. I am a Christian actor from a small country town in Tennessee. What excited me the most about the “i am JOSIAH” project was the chance to glorify God directly and bring others to Him through this opportunity. I started in the entertainment industry a little over a year ago. Since then, God has blessed me with a main role in a sitcom pilot, a voiceover role in a feature film, and a small role in a Christian TV series. I am always looking for new opportunities in front of the camera. I have also begun exploring opportunities behind the camera regarding scriptwriting. I excel in comedy and improv, but I also want to establish myself as a dramatic actor.

[callioope]

What's this? An update?!

Is anyone else experiencing an onslaught of bots following them? Whenever I see that happen I wonder if it's because I've been so inactive lately; sometimes there seems to be a correlation there. So maybe just maybe it will help if I post something.

So here's an update.

Free time is a rarity for me these days -- offline life is busy! When I do have time to myself, I usually spend it stuck in the YouTube vortex (unfortunately, but it's the honest answer. I go there to watch Critical Role and get sucked sideways by the darn algorithm. I need to sign up for Beacon and just stop having a reason to go to YT in the first place). IF I can pull myself away from that blackhole, then I'm probably also avoiding writing by doing the NYT Games. And if by some miracle I dodge both of these digital traps, then I'm actually (gasp) reading or writing. (Or playing DND on the weekend.)

The Writing I signed up for Get Your Words Out this year, and even if I haven't been as productive as I might have dreamed, I'm still loving it because I do feel like it is working to get me writing more than I otherwise would have. And it doesn't feel as daunting as NaNoWriMo. So, here's my progress:

Pledged as a backpacker (honestly the lowest and easiest goal but I'm being practical about my time availability this year)

Wrote 33 days this year so far

Worked on 11 different projects -- this is a big oof for me; I feel a little adrift. I'm trying to console myself by likening it to an artists sketchbook (I think I saw a post about that on tumblr). Any writing is better than no writing! Nine (nein!) of the projects are shadowgast fics and two are original works -- something I might combine into 1 idea, we'll see. 

I've been focusing on the original idea lately, which is exciting!

I got a new laptop, and I'm able to go back to using Scrivener! Sadly had to pay for the upgrade, and still migrating story notes back into it, but excited. Anyone have any good tips for using it? Character templates, etc?

The Reading I have been able to get back into reading this year, which I am super happy about. This year I've read:

Our Bloody Pearl by D.N. Bryn (loved it)

A Power Unbound (The Last Binding #3) by Freya Marske (loved it)

The Magician's Daughter by H.G. Parry (enjoyed it)

Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel (loved it)

The Bird King by G. Willow Wilson (enjoyed it)

Alif the Unseen by G. Willow Wilson (it was fine)

Uprooted by Naomi Novik (enjoyed it)

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke (it's complicated)

Crown Duel by Sherwood Smith (third read; comfort read)

Remalna's Children by Sherwood Smith (it was fine)

Silver in the Wood (The Greenhollow Duology #1) by Emily Tesh (loved it)

Drowned Country (The Greenhollow Duology #2) by Emily Tesh (loved it)

Every Heart a Doorway (Wayward Children #1) by Seanan McGuire (did not like)

Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher (loved it)

Spellbound (Magic in Manhattan #1) by Allie Therin (disappointed)

Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey (loved it)

Edited to add: Currently reading: The Hexologists (The Hexologists #1) by Josiah Bancroft. Healthy, loving, established middle age couple protagonists in a fantasy setting, where have you been?! I've been looking for a book like this forever.

I haven't read more than like 2 books a year ... probably since 2016 (thank you rebelcaptain and shadowgast for all the wonderful fics i read instead)

[briannacarmel]

Okay. Time for a new pinned post.

My name is Brianna Carmel. I'm a 25-year-old musician (mainly a vocalist) and DIY show promoter from Sacramento, CA.

My main project is a sadcore indie pop band called @bloomingheads, consisting of myself and my dear friend Josiah. We have been active since late 2018, and released our debut EP in January 2021.

Our biggest achievement so far is probably opening for Crywank on their first US tour, at The Starlet Room in Sacramento.

My personal favorite show we've played that there is footage of, is the going away house show we played for our dear friend Autumn (Otto) Sky Hall, who moved to Pennsylvania near the end of last year. This is me gushing about how much I love them as a segue into the first song we ever wrote.

Our next show is on January 29th at Cafe Colonial, opening for King Strang, with our friend Ash Bricky as another local opener. You can buy presale tix here.

I also recently joined Josiah's main project, a chiptune folk punk band called Little Tiny Knife (formerly known as Wayne Jetski). There's technically three of us, but our bassist Jim is currently away doing Real Adult Things™️. He's a cool dude tho, we share a birthday.

Here are screenshots from a video @xahferd took for us, during our most recent show at The Hatch in Stockton, CA.

I can't quite put into words how much finally joining this project means to me. Like, I have a fucking Wayne Jetski tattoo. Josiah's music is the reason we know each other, I've genuinely loved it for years and it's the reason I asked them to start Blooming Heads with me. I've never earned a spot in a band I love before. It's truly an indescribable feeling.

Here's a video of us playing with Jim during a Halloween show last year. This song is called "Long Division." Josiah was a target employee, Jim was bananarchy, and I was... A spooky doll girl...??? Idk okay I was just vibing with makeup

I'm also a solo artist when I'm not busy with anything else--I like to call myself a singer-songwriter with a folk punk soul. I've been writing on my own for fun since 2014 or so.

Here's a live session I did at Warm Robot Studios, inside The Library of Musiclandria, to promote my single that I released in September, "Skeletons."

My most recent release, "Building Blocks EP," was released on Bandcamp Friday in November. There's only proper live video of the first track, "Alone Again." (Shout-out to High House!!)

The EP is made up of three tracks, and can be found on spotify, bandcamp, and many other streaming services.

And, last but not least, yes, like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am a DIY show promoter. If you've ever been to a show in the Sacramento-area with "916 Growth Gigs presents" on the flyer, that was me. My main venue connects include The Colonial Complex (Cafe Colonial/The Colony Sacramento), The Library of Musiclandria, Golden Bear (21+), and the occasional house show or acoustic show at a park. I am on a hiatus of sorts for the moment, but plan on dipping my toes back in soon.

If you're a fellow DIY musician, especially if you're touring thru Sacramento, let's be mutuals! Even if I can't book you, I love making new friends. 🥰

[isfjmel-phleg]

My Stories by Protagonist/POV Character

Not a complete list, but I thought it might be helpful if you were interested in reading stories by whichever OC they pertain to.

Rachel

Book 1 Chapter One

Book 1 Chapter Two

Possibly noncanon scene between Rachel and her sister Addie

Rachel also appears in some of Rietta's stories below: the other POV of Book 1 Chapter Two, "Venturing In," and "The Boy with the Botanical Box."

Rietta

The Other Side of the Door (at age thirteen)

Horrid Old Beautiful Ruin (shortly before Book 1)

Over the Boundary Wall (shortly after Book 1 Chapter One)

Book 1 Chapter Two from Rietta's POV

Venturing In (later in Book 1)

The Boy with the Botanical Box (still later in Book 1)

Short dialogue between Rietta and Delclis (unspecified later date)

She also briefly appears in Book 2 Chapter Four, in Amarantha's section below.

Delclis

Seeing the Elephant (at age ten)

A Building Project (at age eleven)

Correspondence (shortly before Book 1--I am less fond of this early experimental piece and it may not remain canon)

The Breakfast Room (shortly before Book 3)

He also appears in "In a Nutshell" (in Elystan's section below), the prequels scene for Book 2 and Book 2 Chapter Four (both in Amarantha's section below), and is quoted in a letter in Elystan's POV of "A Christmas Chapter."

Elystan

In a Nutshell (at age ten)

Curative (also at age ten)

Book 2 Chapter Eight from Elystan’s POV (probably will not remain canon since I need to overhaul this story but I still think his POV here is fun)

Elystan's Infamous Lamplight Letter (shortly before Book 3)

A Visit from the Murderess (shortly before Book 3)

Elystan meets Morstyn Hollock (some point during Book 3)

A Christmas Chapter (Elystan’s POV) (some point during Book 3)

He also appears in "Seeing the Elephant" and "A Building Project" (in Delclis's section above), Prequel scene for Book 2; Chapters Two, Three, Four, and Six of Book 2; and "Picnic in the Clock Tower" (in Amarantha's section below), Book 3 Chapter Two (in Tamett's section below), and both Tamett's and Josiah's versions of "A Christmas Chapter."

Amarantha

Prequel scene for Book 2

Short dialogue between Amarantha and her father (before Book 2)

Revised Book 2 Chapter One

Early Morning Tea (set immediately after Book 2 Chapter One)

Revised Book 2 Chapter Two

Revised Book 2 Chapter Three

Revised Book 2 Chapter Four

Revised Book 2 Chapter Five

Revised Book 2 Chapter Six

Picnic in the Clock Tower (later in Book 2)

Tell Me Where You Live (sketch)

Speaking to a Housemaid (sometime in Book 3)

Portrait of the Monarch as a Young Woman (sometime in Book 4)

She also appears in Elystan's POV of Book 2 Chapter Eight and Elystan's POV of "A Christmas Chapter."

Tamett

A Selection of Letters Related to Tamett Lockridge, 1903 (at age eight)

A Little Violin Music (at age twelve)

Selections from the Correspondence of the Lockridge Family (before Book 3)

Book 3 Chapter One (this and the following chapter are subject to change)

Book 3 Chapter Two

A Christmas Chapter (Tamett’s POV) (during Book 3)

He also appears in Josiah's and Elystan's POVs of "A Christmas Chapter."

Josiah

Constellation of Six (at age six)

Incognito (during Book 3)

A Christmas Chapter (Josiah’s POV) (during Book 3)

He also appears in "Speaking to a Housemaid" (in Amarantha's section above); "A Selection of Letters," "Selections from the Correspondence of the Lockridge Family," and Book 3 Chapters One and Two (in Tamett's section above); and Tamett's and Elystan's POVs of "A Christmas Chapter."

[autumnbell32]

1/14/24 at 2035: Message to Therapist

Hi.  I've been sad about our last appointment- it seemed, I don't know, disharmonious.  I know I keep repeating the same patterns (is that normal?), and I feel like I am not grasping/remembering things I am supposed to be learning very well.  And maybe that is frustrating for you?  I was definitely on the defense, maybe projecting.  Usually I come out of our appointments with at least a little hope, but I honestly just felt stupid and kind of scared- is this the point where literally EVERYONE stops having patience with my issues?  I know what you mean when you say that I reach outside of myself once I get to a certain point with bad depressive episodes.  You are right, I do.  This stuff is isolating, lonely, and mirrors when I used to get so overwhelmed with emotion as a child (and teenager) that I would cry to the nearest adult.  Things that helped in the past that may not help now or have any permanence: reaching outside of myself for inspiration/assistance/hand-holding from others, following plans and lists, being rigid, seeing in black and white.  But I'm not sure what else to do because it is like playing the lottery- one of these things MAY work (they've worked in the past), and it may provide relief (even for several months!).  Do I have to totally abandon my old operating system?  Although, these things are losing their efficacy over time and as I get older, honestly.  

I am on a medical leave.  I am not sure for how long, but I will get some pay while off.  I tried to go to work Thursday, was relieved a supportive manager was going to be there, was packing my lunch and spilled some oatmeal and just broke down.  And then that caused a cascading effect- everything after that made me break down.  One minute I was crying, the next I was filled with so much rage that I felt dizzy.  Not good.  My PCP referred me to a gynecologist that treats PMDD, I see her Tuesday.  I'm hopeful something outside of myself will still provide relief- PMDD is gnarly.  I need a stone, at least one stone, lifted off of me so that I can continue to try (good grief, SOMEONE give me a piece of paper with a plan on it that I can follow and check boxes and tell me they will see me in a week to check my progress because this plan will likely give some relief from the cycles).  The obstinance is just ridiculous- it's like the toddler in me has stomped her foot and said, "No more, someone do something to help or I'm not moving from this spot."  It feels both good and bad, and I don't know how much I am screwing myself in the process, or how many more chances I will get or how many times people (my family included) will continue to help.  

What have I done this past week (jesus, I haven't been at work since December 30th, got a small check last Friday)- watched PBS a lot, cried, cried while watching PBS, did some chores here and there (sometimes while crying), picked up books I long to read and then immediately put them back down because I can't concentrate or be motivated for more than a few minutes, binged, colored in an adult coloring book called "Cat Farts" (it's exactly what it sounds like), and imagined myself being better in the spring somehow (I have visualized this so many times over the last several days- actually progressing in the right direction consistently).  I fall asleep many nights talking on the phone to Josiah because I feel less alone that way.  I'm screwed.  Am I screwed?