#i always have a lot of difficulty choosing the best images from him which are many

[sincericida]

Happy 41th Birthday, Andrew Garfield!

— August 20, 1983.

Today it’s day to celebrate his wonderful life that makes so many other people happier with their light, kindness, charism and their amazing art! Long life, sweetheart! 🎂🎉✌🏼

"I'm always having a crisis of faith, with everything. People who are certain are terrifying to me. That's how religious wars get started."

— Andrew Garfield

[incorrectmlpstudentsixquotes]

Yonabar wedding headcanons, please? I know you're into the poly ships but they've been my OTP ever since "She's All Yak."

First and foremost, Yona’s father did not originally approve. Even going so far as invoking an old yak custom of the father of the prospective bride challenging the suitor to unarmed combat to prove Sandbar’s worth. (For the record, this wouldn’t necessarily mean Yona couldn’t marry Sandbar if he lost, that was still always her choice, it’s just a matter of Yak pride.)

Now, a little known loophole in that custom is that the suitor is able to name a second to fight in their stead. It’s kinda like Krogan rules, not every yak can be the biggest and the strongest, but even the weakest Yak should be able to inspire others to fight in their name.

So, naturally, Sandbar named Yona as his second.

Needless to say, Yona’s father had no more unkind words to say about Sandbar after that fight.

(Bonus points is that Yona’s mother also offered to be Sandbar’s second. And poor Yona’s father honestly didn’t know which of those match-ups would have been more painful.)

On the flip-side on the topic of in-laws, Sandbar’s parents absolutely adored Yona and doted on her non-stop in the days leading up to the wedding. For someone who’s lived a very harsh lifestyle where rugged strength is paramount over all else, being pampered by her future in-laws and treated like a princess was a very welcome change of pace for Yona.

It helps that all of the S6 spent so much time at Sandbar’s house that Yona was pretty much their daughter in all but marriage anyway. Sandbar putting a ring on it just made things more official.

When the in-laws officially met each other before the wedding, Yona’s father made the mistake of making a passing remark towards Sandbar’s physical weakness.

The sheer burning intensity of the glare from Sandbar’s mother made Yona’s father afraid to sleep at night for a whole week. The two mother-in-laws now make the effort to catch up once a month over tea.

The wedding itself was pretty multi-cultural, taking traditions equally from both pony customs and yak customs, with both fiancé and fiancée basically picking and choosing which traditions sounded the most fun. Interestingly, most of the yak traditions were chosen by Sandbar and vice-versa with Yona choosing mostly pony traditions. After all, both had seen so many weddings in their own traditions, why not try something they’ve never seen before?

One of the biggest yak traditions was taking a special wooden carving made by the bride’s parents and smashing it to pieces, which they would then replace with their own carving that would get smashed by their children, if they ever had any.

Obviously, Sandbar wouldn’t be able to smash the carving with his bare hooves, so Gallus gave him a sledgehammer as a wedding gift. He figured there was gonna be a lot more ‘smashing’ in Sandbar’s future being married to Yona, so he figured he should be prepared.

“Dude, like, ninety percent of yak traditions involve breaking stuff.”

“Yona would be offended if Gallus was not totally on money.”

Speaking of their friends, Sandbar asking Gallus to be his Best-Man was an obvious no-brainer, but Yona had a bit more difficulty choosing which of their friends should be her Maid-of-Honor.

After a few solid minutes of careful deliberation, Yona basically just shrugged and asked all of them to be her Maid-of-Honor.

So in the reception of their union, after the bride and groom had their first dance, the guests were all treated to the image of this poor, addled griffon getting dragged to the dance floor and getting absolutely crowded by three different creatures all wearing matching green dresses.

Of course Trixie took pictures.

Dang, I actually had a lot more to say then I thought. This is what happens when you ask for my headcanons.

(Self-indulgent bonus: If you’d like to include my OCs, Camren and his crew made a temporary truce with Gallus to procure some totally-legal, totally-not-stolen fireworks to cap off the reception.)

[thejustmaiden]

So out of nowhere I was tagged and quoted by a SR shipper for a blog of mine posted in August of last year. Talk about throwback but, hey, gotta appreciate that level of snooping. 😉

Back in the day I actually used to encourage discourse amongst Inuyasha fans- both shippers and antis alike- but I've since realized that it's a lost cause. But for you, @feministmetalgreymon , I'll grant this exception. Just 'cause it's been a while so why the hell not. haha

I want to assure you, however, that nothing you say will ever convince me that Sesshomaru and Rin are meant to be together romantically or that the story intended it so. Nor will you find any validation here. You can ship them for all I care, but please for all that is good and holy while I have your attention try- I mean really try- to understand why it is so many of us Inuyasha fans are so against this pairing in the first place (newsflash: it's not about ship wars), and why we believe a romance between the two of them is completely and utterly out of character.

For those of you interested in reading this, the blog of mine in question that the above shipper mentions in their counter-argument is here for reference. It's titled "Jaken = Rin's Dad?" I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'm also making no such promises. After all, I'm not exactly known for my brevity. haha Now let's get crackin'!

Like you, feministmetalgreymon, did for your recent blog here where you took screenshots of mine to address certain parts, I will be doing the same and dissecting yours accordingly.

[Snippet 1]

I worked with kids for many years as a teacher, and many people in my family have too or still do. Two of them happen to be just over 5 feet which is quite short for the average adult woman living here. I've also worked alongside many a women of short stature, and never did I hear any of them complaining of issues with their students having difficulty differentiating them from their own peers just because they were short as well. I'm sorry but that's just ridiculous. Kids are quite smart and pick up on a lot more than you seem to give them credit for. Height is not the only characteristic they look at to determine who's an adult and who's not, and it's foolish to suggest otherwise. So unless you're a babysitter who's still in their teens and/or who has very childlike features or behavior then I'm afraid what you're getting at is total hogwash. This is just another example of how you shippers offer nothing of real substance to your reasoning, it's only ever cherry-picking or strawmanning from you guys. Stop deflecting from the real issues please, because this certainly isn't one and only winds up being a complete waste of time for all parties involved.

[Snippet 2]

Okay, calm down now. I wasn't insinuating that relationships between parents and children can't change over time in terms of how they get along. Of course that's possible, as all families experience their fair share of estrangement and abuse. What I was speaking about was in reference to the overall dynamic between the two. Because a bad mother or father can still be viewed as a parental figure to their child even if say they're not in said child's life anymore. Since Sesshomaru and Rin share a healthy bond- and just a friendly reminder that in my blog I even said that he doesn't have to necessarily be labeled her father but that a romantic relationship later would still be inappropriate- I didn't deem it necessary to address what you brought up. Plus, it kinda, umm, misses the point?? Please, let's stay on topic. And it's not captured in the screenshot, but stop acting like there isn't a small part of them that idolizes their parents at some point during childhood. Just like you mention later on how it's normal for kids to have innocent crushes on adults that they eventually grow out of? Well, guess what, the same concept applies here. Kids eventually learn that their parents are far from perfect and make mistakes too. Rin is so damn young in the OG series though that we never even get to see her reach that maturity level.

[Snippet 3]

LOL! Alright, okay, so the "unbreakable bond" bit you're mentioning was actually me quoting you sessrinners. Did you not catch that? I literally spelled it out. *sigh* The whole point I was making is that shippers like yourself make hypocritical and contradictory statements all.the.goddamn.time. One moment you guys claim that Sesshomaru and Rin were essentially strangers and meant very little to each other, only to say in the same breath a few seconds later that they were destined to be together and their bond is like no other. I agree, their bond is special, but why must that mean they're going to fall in love?

That is the root of the matter here. Too many animes/mangas have romanticized this older adult man & young girl growing up falling in love trope that it's become way too normalized and widely accepted across the world- and yes, in some cultures more than others. Sadly, you lack the awareness to recognize how this all works. You know how we know that? When we see that you shippers are so desensitized to sexualized images of girls in the media that you share posts like this one below which *subtly* imply a future romance although one half of that pairing is still just a child in the pic and then try and pass it off as cute. That's like super fucking problematic and it scares me that you can't see that (or deny you do). 🤢

After all that's said and done, Sesshomaru leaving Rin in the village with Kaede is to me the strongest indicator more than pretty much anything else he's done for Rin that proves he is her adoptive father. It's so funny to me how you somehow see the exact opposite though. 🤔 What I think is happening is that you got yourself on some squeaky clean ass shipper goggles fresh out of your little echo chamber. Because I hate to tell you, but what you're fantasizing is what you want to see and not what's actually there on screen or was written into the story. I'm strictly talking about Inuyasha and the manga of course. [For the TL; DR version skip to the last paragraph.]

Parents looking after their kids is what parents are supposed to do. A good parent will do anything to keep their child safe and ensure they are cared for, so what he did for her by leaving her there was in her best interests clearly. Besides, as a babysitter, you more than most people should understand that parents aren't always able to be there for their kids so sometimes others gotta step in to help. Haven't you heard of the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" Which in Rin's case is literally true! 😂 Sometimes kids are even sent off to stay with grandparents and that's who raises them instead. Or maybe they have to temporarily live with an aunt or uncle because their single parent's job requires they work out of town 4-5 days of the week so they're hardly home. But that doesn't mean that the parents care or love their kids any less, and it's foolish to assume that Sesshomaru must have thought very little of Rin simply due to the fact that he made the decision to leave her in the village. Come on, y'all are acting like he abandoned her there!!

It's just given the circumstances Sesshomaru finally came to learn that Rin traveling with him was no longer safe. I also like to think it's because he wished for her to live a more normal life and to learn how to fully trust humans again. Plus, continuing to travel with him as young as she was would have proven dangerous and unwise. Now for you to know all this and still manage to turn his past actions towards her while she was just a child into a romantic gesture is what boggles my mind. Regardless of how you look at it, from my perspective or your own, Sesshomaru is in the wrong. Either he's a father figure who impregnates his daughter at the young age of approximately 14. OR he's this man she used to travel with who maybe isn't a father to her but who nonetheless basically rapes her since kids her age can't consent to sex with an adult. Idk about you but it sounds to me like nobody here wins with either scenario we're given. In other words, you should be just as mad as we are. If only one side didn't choose to forsake their morals they know we both have in common for the sake of a ship. Welp. 🤷‍♀️

I agree, incest is disgusting but that's not the only problem we have with this pairing. A romantic bond forming between Sesshomaru and Rin would also constitute as grooming.

You realize that over the years he visited her in the village that he brought her gifts too and essentially watched her grow up right before his very eyes, right? I mean, I know you do, but I really shouldn't have to explain further why pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship with each other is plain and simple wrong. And before you say it's not because he didn't have any malintent, please understand that considering their history and power dynamic up to then that yes this is still considered grooming even if Rin supposedly "wanted it" or "made the first move." Whether you consider him her father or not, as the adult who took on a role resembling that of a caretaker in her early life- a critical developmental time for a child- Sesshomaru is obligated to turn down any advances by Rin and most definitely should not initiate any himself. As the first close adult figure she's had in her life since her parents died, it's unfathomable to imagine how Sesshomaru could go through with taking advantage of this young girl who was under his care and supervision since they met. To think he could be capable of betraying that trust sickens me to the core.

This. Now THIS is how a parent/guardian or a similar adult caretaker (babysitter, teacher, etc.) talks to a child. And, in turn, this is how some young children talk to adults. You'd be insane and delusional to deny it! We see it in our everyday lives, do we not? From where else do you think our stories draw most of their inspiration? Yes, obviously these fictional universes have aspects of fantasy that don't exist in the real world, but so how then do you suppose we're able to relate to them? The reason for that being is because these stories are written by people for people, so naturally there are going to be real life aspects embedded throughout. Sure, a little escapism doesn't hurt as we don't need to take everything so seriously, but ultimately we all need to recognize that the messages in the stories we tell matter. Most stories possess a combination of both light and dark themes, but when it specifically comes to the latter we gotta be careful with how we tackle this in children's media since kids are far more impressionable.

So if at the center of a story we have two of the main protagonists whose mom is basically their same age and to top it off she knew their dad when she was just a girl and who just so happened to help raise her, wouldn't you say that's beyond fucked up or at the very least so fucking weird? Like why would we think it's even remotely okay for our children to watch this garbage?? Really think about it. Try and be objective for once and think about how it would sound explaining this storyline to an outsider who's never watched IY or HNY. Well, antis have tried this before many times and we always get the same reaction: Ewww!

Like I said earlier, if you wanna ship it then fine, but 1) please stop seeking our approval or trying to change our minds - your ship wish came true didn't it, so why do you need us to validate it? 2) even though it's not canon, respect that we don't support this sequel portraying pedophilia in a positive light. It's harmful af to not only allow but glorify the continuation of sexualized images of young girls everywhere. And I shouldn't have to say this, but just because this trope is popular as you say does not make it right. Lolicon themes in the media have been an issue forever and it needs to stop. Yes, even some people in Japan or "the East" would agree. Shocker!

We're pissed off and rightfully so because Yashahime's TV rating is 14, not to mention it airs at the prime time kids in Japan watch TV after getting home from school. That's Towa and Setsuna's age, true, but if Rin being the mom when she's like only a year older than them (please don't argue w/ me about the math- antis have so far been right every time with it) is straight-up disgusting and not something we should be supporting or endorsing. Rin's a whole ass child!! Please don't start with the "but times were different then so her having kids at 15 is acceptable" argument either, because we've already debunked that and every other single excuse you guys throw at us. Besides, how or why would you expect young viewers to know these historical "facts" anyway, especially if as you suggest fiction doesn't affect reality so what does it matter? Yet here we are, arguing over a fictional show in real life almost a year and a half into the "Sesshomaru fucks?" sequel being announced. My ass, your ass, hell all our asses fiction doesn't affect reality!

Look, I do apologize if the tone of this blog came off as snippy or condescending at times. I do not wish you any ill will, it's just I'm not really sure what you expected to get out of all this besides maybe getting on my nerves perhaps. haha A lot of you shippers have been desperately scrambling to interact with us, lurking in our tags, jumping onto our posts screaming canon and getting so defensive even though you sought us out first. We've been sticking to our tags, so how about you stay in your lane too. By the way since we're on the topic, have you seen Twitter or Reddit?! SR shippers there are the actual worst and many Inuyasha fans (not just antis) have complained of not feeling welcomed to engage in fandom spaces anymore. Shippers swarm them and scare them off simply because fans don't like your ship and refuse to accept it. It's pathetic, really. No one should ever be bullied or harassed just because they don't like something you might. We're all fans of Inuyasha, aren't we? So let's act like it. Yashahime on the other hand, you guys are welcome to that pungent heap of trash. Fans have a right to criticize it too, but if you like it then good for you, so keep on liking it and don't mind us.

I'm almost done, but real quick back to Jaken! Let's not forget about how the official Yashahime website- which came out after my blog, mind you- described Jaken. This translation isn't the best one available but it's the only version a fellow anti friend could track down. They do recall a better one done by a native Japanese speaker who was also an anti, and that member confirmed that Jaken is indeed called Rin's babysitter. So you see, I was right in my interpretation. In the original post I did compare Jaken to a brother, but after talking to others (some comments can be found under said post) I did acknowledge that he's more of a reluctant babysitter who's not related. And if he's not at least a brother to Rin, then he's definitely not her father.

At the end of the day, the creator Rumiko Takahashi has the final word. Which is guess what? Hogosha. 💖 Probably should've just started out with that and saved us all the trouble, huh? Good day/night to you.

Papamaru bids you adieu now. 🤞

[beelspillowpet]

A Lesson in Love - A “Character Analysis” on Asmodeus

I had to come for the tracks, wigs, and weaves of bitches when Pomade dropped because I saw people talking shit about my boy. This was a milestone “project” or “reward” I guess?

I hit 400 followers today while I was out running errands!!! Thank you guys SO SO MUCH for the love and support! I can’t WAIT to produce more content for everyone!!!

Below the cut there WILL BE talk of season 3, as well as some talk of chapter 16. There’s a healthy amount of theorizing on his personality as well, I hope you don’t mind! This came out more like a plea to get people to change their minds about how Asmo really is, rather than a comprehensive essay of sorts. So here we go!

There’s something we apparently still need to talk about in this fanbase. The unrealistic idea of Asmodeus being a sex freak, and an unreliable person in general despite there being little proof of it. We need to set a few things straight about Asmo moving forward.

December 25th rolled around and Asmo’s audio drama and song were released. I take it everyone enjoyed both parts, as well as I did. My timeline both on twitter and tumblr were filled with Asmodeus content, as well as the other brothers and such. But I mostly got Asmo content. However, in peeks and cracks, if I looked hard enough, I still saw people who absolutely loathed Asmo or who were indifferent to him. Keep in mind; I think it’s okay. You don’t have to like everyone.

I’ve only joined the fanbase in September, but even I could tell some of these takes were old fashioned. I downloaded the game on October 17th, a very important anniversary for me, while I 

was still in bed in the morning. I blazed through the entire story of season 1 and now I am stuck in season 2, specifically in Chapter 24. I obviously don’t have every card of Asmodeus with his Devilgrams, but I have been analyzing his character over the past few days for this.

So needless to say, I have a considerable amount of information on him, as well as personal thoughts that may help some learn to love him. Or at the very least, from spreading a negative idea of him around as if it were true. Enough that should help clear his name, so to speak.

Let’s look at his title; Avatar of Lust. Now naturally the thoughts that come to your head are sex and other sexual bits. So I can understand how some people would come to the conclusion that he’s just a sex freak. But if you look under the surface of his title, like I’m sure you’ve had to for your own personal favorites (*cough* Lucifer, Belphie, and Satan ESPECIALLY) you would discover that Asmodeus is more than just about sex. In fact, sex takes up very little of his pass time, if you were to believe it!

In recent chapters, as I’ve been told, Asmodeus doesn’t really get around much anyways:

Granted, this was said while in Celestia, but I imagine not much has changed for him since his fall, as well as his brothers.

Not really comfortable being with just anyone, huh…? Sounds like someone who doesn’t have sex so warily often as you’d think!

Being lustful can come in many shapes and forms. It can be merely in appearance, which Asmo is not afraid of doing. He’s very comfortable about skinship and it’s very apparent in how he dresses and acts that he wants you to adore his body. To worship it! Maybe not sexually, but aesthetically! Being lustful can mean just thinking about sex or sexual scenarios often, which if you take a peek at Asmo’s chat’s either with you or his brothers, is very apparent too.

Personally, I believe that people would assume he is not good in a relationship because he would have a “cheating problem”. I don’t think Asmo is a monster, just like I don’t think any of the brothers are monsters. They may be demons (technically fallen angels) now but they used to be angels too. Their falling out with their Father doesn’t mean they’ve completely abandoned morality, it was a rebellion for Lilith’s right to live. Not for them to sin as they pleased. For all we know they might have been fine in Heaven otherwise! (with the exception of Lucifer.)

A monster knows right from wrong and chooses evil anyways. An ignorant person doesn’t know right from wrong. Asmodeus is not a monster, nor is he ignorant.

When Asmo genuinely loves you, I think he would take steps to calm down that side of him, if it were to exist. Lust is fairly limited, but it is a part of love to some extent. LOVE is vastly different. Love has many languages, and they aren’t all spoken either. For me, personally, I found that Lucifer’s love language can be either very direct, or roundabout so as to not let it go to your head, for an example. Asmo is just far more direct about his care for you.

I feel as though Asmo gets a lot of crap constantly for his presumed nature and because we don’t get to see much else of him at first, especially in season 1, his impression on us sort of stays. With most of the fanbase either somewhat new to the game or somewhere lost in the sea of the difficulty curve that is season 2, we can only assume based on what we’ve seen, and what others have headcanoned about him.

Let’s break and talk about Satan for a moment; this is going somewhere.

I’m led to believe that Satan can control his sin fairly well. He’s easy to get irritated, sure, but he isn’t as much of a walking ball of rage as I suspected. I would argue that, aside from Leviathan, Satan can handle his sin the best out of the brothers. But again, we’re forgetting about Asmo. The Avatar of “Lust”. Like I’ve shown before, he doesn’t really sleep around a lot, according to anon.

At worst, Asmo being flirty is through text and he’s not actively trying to sleep with you. It can be interpreted that way, but for me personally, it comes down to having a friend that is very up close and in your personal space.

(I myself am one of these types of people. Having ADHD, my social cues are always sort of off, and I’ve struggled with coping with it for years. With my best friend, we have seen each other naked countless times and have slept in the same bed as well. We were never romantic with each other. We were just very comfortable being close and personal with each other.)

I’d like to point out also that Asmo isn’t even there for most of season 1 too. Which can give you the idea that maybe he just was out sleeping around a lot, but to me he probably just went out partying a lot. You don’t get known that fast for sleeping around. Maybe in 5,000 years, sure, but I’d imagine being a party boy, as his Devilgram “Guided by Desire” suggests.

So the idea that Asmo isn’t in the house a lot because he’s out having sex all the time isn’t true is it? He’s probably just out partying, which can LEAD to sex with someone sure, but again, Asmo doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, now does he?

I feel like of all the boys, Asmo is the one who radiates with everyone else the most. Most people will never realize how surreal it is that Asmo is faking it until he makes it. He doesn’t always think he’s beautiful, or that he’s worth all the love he’s striving and straining to get. Something that is extremely relatable for a lot of people with self-worth issues. Asmo is just like that, but instead being sarcastic and self-deprecating, he simply works to make himself look as beautiful as possible, so that in his eyes, his beauty matches the affection he gets.

Which is why, when he falls in love with you, it’s strange. You are constantly telling him he’s nice and pretty, but you aren’t lusting after him. You’re just being nice. It may just be me, but when people are overly nice just for the sake of being nice, I’m very attracted to that. That is Asmo, to some extent. The fact that he reflects the insecurities and habits of others so clearly may make others uncomfortable, but that brutal honesty veiled behind insecurity is what a lot of people with self-image issues deal with.

Now for me to share my favorite personal idea for Asmo that completely changed how I saw him in season 1 onwards; Asmodeus is an empath. Now let me explain:

First, what is an Empath?

The term empath comes from empathy, which is the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective. Seems simple, right? Everyone can do this to some extent. However, what makes you an empath is the fact that empaths genuinely feel the same pain as you do. So much so your experience becomes a very personal part of their own. They are capable of being able to feel other people’s emotions without them speaking, or even showing signs of it through their body language.

This would explain, for me personally, why there’s so little of him in season 1. The intensity of what goes on in the house, his sensitive soft-spoken mannerisms, the only time he truly gets mad is when he’s childishly arguing with Mammon? Asmo is afraid of true conflict, he’s afraid of violence and negative emotions. Let’s face it; everyone is indifferent or hates you at the start of the game.

While this changes fairly quickly, all the intense feelings come to a head in chapter 16. All those negative emotions swirling around, of course Asmo isn’t going to want to be in the house when it’s that intense. The attic didn’t just disappear completely, too. Belphie was still in the attic hating humans. That negative emotion could be affecting Asmo and he didn’t know why, so he could have been out of the house more.

Where Asmo can feel the emotions of others, it may mostly be the negative ones because they fill him with anxiety and panic if it persists. Which can be helpful in making him so urgent to want to make others smile and feel better, right?

Imagine being intimate with Asmodeus, and suddenly you aren’t in the mood for it anymore but don’t want to make things awkward. He could pick up on it in an instant and wouldn’t get mad because he understands how you feel completely.

Now to close this out about something that genuinely hurts me; Asmodeus is a narcissist.

I mean, the wiki says that he is, but personally? No, no he isn’t. Since when is loving yourself a bad thing? Sure he may go a bit far sometimes, but people with self-image issues need to go a little harder than the rest to make sure they're getting the love they need.

(Talking about myself AGAIN, but I do this a lot. At random, I will look up in my own mirror in front of my desk that I sit in front of all day and tell myself I am a cute bitch. I am VERY VERY cute and anyone would be lucky to have someone as drop dead gorgeous as myself. I say that a few times a day. In reality, I am very insecure about my looks. I do believe I’m cute, but sometimes it’s hard to say it. Which is why I force myself. Why wouldn’t Asmo do the same?)

Talking yourself up to be as beautiful as a sex god is no easy task, but Asmo isn’t the Avatar of “Lust” for no reason. When an insecure girl talks up her beauty, it’s her being strong and independent. When Asmo does it, its narcissism… it doesn’t really seem fair, now does it? Maybe he’s just an insecure person who needs to tell himself ALL THE TIME that he’s beautiful. That if he stares at his reflection long enough, he may see it too.

(Also, Simeon literally calls him out on being insecure. Insecure people tend to try and overcompensate where they feel they’re lacking.)

”Asmodeus is hinted to be insecure and seeking for love and attention. When Simeon was asked about what he thought of Asmodeus, he says that Asmodeus is still trying to fulfill the role of the angel he used to be; an angel that was adored and loved by many. Asmodeus laughs at Simeon's remark and brushes it off by saying that he is only jealous.” - A section from said Asmodeus Wiki.

People can choose to love or hate Asmo, obviously. Making things up about his character without having anything but speculation and having that dictate how he acts is plain silly. This entire “essay” if you can call it that, comes from the heart. I love Asmo as a character, and in the beginning he did make me uncomfortable, I didn’t like him that much. But I learned to look past that and figure out why he acts the way he does. Something didn’t sit right with me about him for a while, and it was that air of insecurity that I didn’t see at first.

All I can really ask for, is giving Asmo another chance as a character. He’s not as wild and wacky as Mammon, or as cool and sexy as Lucifer, or as edgy and precious as Belphie, but he matters in this story too. He fell from grace with his brothers for Lilith. Give him another chance, and let him show you that he is the Avatar of Love.

[qqueenofhades]

Hi, I’ve been tasked with researching Richard Plantagenet for a paper and thus far found extremely negative accounts of the king, his religious bigotry being a reoccurring theme (his treatment of Jewish dignitaries attending his coronation and his reasoning to join the third crusade etc)

I stumbled across your wonderful tag for Richard at the weekend and wondered if you wouldn’t mind sharing your informed opinion of Richard and his views on religions ? Your writing seems very well balanced regarding his attributes and flaws. Thanks :)

Oof. Okay. So, a short and simple question, then?

Quick note: when I was first reading your ask and saw "Richard Plantagenet," I briefly assumed that you meant Richard Plantagenet, father of Edward IV, or perhaps Richard III, both from the Wars of the Roses in the fifteenth century, before seeing from context that you meant Richard I. While "Plantagenet" was first used as an informal appellation by Richard I's grandfather, Geoffrey of Anjou, it wasn't until several centuries later that the English royal house started to use it consistently as a surname. So it's not something that Richard I would have been really called or known by, even if historians tend to use it as a convenient labeling conceit. (See: the one thousand popular histories on "The Plantagenets" that have been published recently.)

As for Richard I, he is obviously an extremely complex and controversial figure for many reasons, though one of the first things that you have to understand is that he has been mythologized and reinvented and reinterpreted down the centuries for many reasons, especially his crusade participation and involvement in the Robin Hood legends. When you're researching about Richard, you're often reading reactions/interpretations of that material more than anything specifically rooted in the primary sources. And while I am glad that you asked me about this and want to encourage you to do so, I will gently enquire to start off: when you say "research," what kind of materials are you looking at, exactly? Are these actual published books/papers/academic material, or unsourced stuff on the internet written from various amateur/ideological perspectives and by people who have particular agendas for depicting Richard as the best (or as is more often the case, worst) ever? Because history, to nobody's surprise, is complicated. Richard did good things and he also did quite bad things, and it's difficult to reduce him to one or the other.

Briefly (ha): I'll say just that if a student handed me a paper stating that Richard was a religious bigot because a) there were anti-Jewish riots during his coronation and b) he signed up for the Third Crusade, I would seriously question it. Medieval violence against the Jews was an unfortunately endemic part of crusade preparations, and all we know about Richard's own reaction is that he fined the perpetrators harshly (repeated after a similar March 1190 incident in York) and ordered for them to be punished. Therefore, while there famously was significant anti-Semitic violence at his coronation, Richard himself was not the one who instigated it, and he ordered for the Londoners who did take part in it to be punished for breaking the king's peace.

This, however, also doesn't mean that Richard was a great person or that he was personally religiously tolerant. We don't know that and we often can't know that, whether for him or anyone else. This is the difficulty of inferring private thoughts or beliefs from formal records. This is why historians, at least good historians, mostly refrain from speculating on how a premodern private individual actually thought or felt or identified. We do know that Richard likewise also made a law in 1194 to protect the Jews residing in his domains, known as Capitula Judaeis. This followed in the realpolitik tradition of Pope Calixtus II, who had issued Sicut Judaeis in c. 1120 ordering European Christians not to harass Jews or forcibly convert them. This doesn't mean that either Calixtus or Richard thought Jews were great, but they did choose a different and more pragmatic/economic way of dealing with them than their peers. This does not prove "religious bigotry" and would need a lot more attention as an analytical concept.

As for saying that the crusades were motivated sheerly by medieval religious bigotry, I'm gonna have to say, hmm, no. Speaking as someone with a PhD in medieval history who specialised in crusade studies, there is an enormous literature around the question of why the crusades happened and why they continue to hold such troubling attraction as a pattern of behavior for the modern world. Yes, Richard went on crusade (as did the entire Western Latin world, pretty much, since 1187 and the fall of Jerusalem was the twelfth century's 9/11). But there also exists material around him that doesn't exist around any other crusade leader, including his extensive diplomatic relations with the Muslims, their personal admiration for him, his friendship with Saladin and Saladin's brother Saif al-Din, the fact that Arabic and Islamic sources can be more complimentary about Richard than the Christian records of his supposed allies, and so forth. I think Frederick II of Sicily, also famous for his friendly relationships with Muslims, is the only other crusade leader who has this kind of material. So however he did act on crusade, and for whatever reasons he went, Richard likewise chose the pragmatic path in his interactions with Muslims, or at least the Muslim military elite, than just considering them all as religious barbarians unworthy of his time or attention.

The question of how the crusades functioned as a pattern of expected behavior for the European Christian male aristocrat, sometimes entirely divorced from any notion of his private religious beliefs, is much longer and technical than we can possibly get into. (As again, I am roughly summarising a vast and contentious field of academic work for you here, so... yes.) Saying that the crusades happened only because medieval people were all religious zealots is a wild oversimplification of the type that my colleague @oldshrewsburyian and I have to deal with in our classrooms, and likewise obscures the dangerous ways in which the modern world is, in some ways, more devoted to replicating this pattern than ever. It puts it beyond the remit of analysis and into the foggy "Dark Ages hurr durr bad" stereotype that drives me batty.

Weighted against this is the fact that Richard obviously killed many Muslims while on crusade, and that this was motivated by religious and ideological convictions that were fairly standard for his day but less admirable in ours. The question of how that violence has been glorified by the alt-right people who think there was nothing wrong with it at all and he should have done more must also be taken into account. Richard's rise to prominence as a quintessentially English chivalrous hero in the nineteenth century, right when Britain was building its empire and needed to present the crusades as humane and civilizing missions abroad rather than violent and generally failed attempts at forced conversion and conquest, also problematized this. As noted, Richard was many things, but... not that, and when the crusades fell out of fashion again in the twentieth century, he was accordingly drastically villainized. Neither the superhero or the supervillain images of him are accurate, even if they're cheap and easy.

The English nationalists have a complicated relationship with Richard: he represents the ideal they aspire to, aesthetically speaking, and the kind of anti-immigrant sentiment they like to put in his mouth, which is far more than the historical Richard actually displayed toward his Muslim counterparts. (At least, again, so far as we can know anything about his private beliefs, but this is what we can infer from his actions in regard to Saladin, who he deeply respected, and Saladin's brother.) But he was also thoroughly a French knight raised and trained in the twelfth-century martial tradition, his concern for England was only as a minor part of the sprawling 'Angevin empire' he inherited from his father Henry II (which is heresy for the Brexit types who think England should always be the center of the world), and his likely inability to speak English became painted as a huge character flaw. (Notwithstanding that after the Norman Conquest in 1066, England did not have a king who spoke English natively until Henry IV in 1399, but somehow all those others don't get blamed as much as Richard.)

Anyway. I feel as if it's best to stop here. Hopefully this points you toward the complexity of the subject and gives you some guidelines in doing your own research from here. :)

[straykats]

“I’ll feel much better if you let me walk you home.” is such a chan thing to say

The music fades as the door swings shut, but the laughter remains in the air. You’re leaning onto Chan’s shoulder, the shots of soju you’d had doing the bare minimum to keep your spirits high. There was rarely a dull moment when you were with Chan, no matter the rest of the company or the occasion. Tonight was no exception.

You shake your head, hands in the pocket of your coat to keep you warm.

“Gosh, I can’t believe you told her I was your girlfriend!”

“It’s not like I lied to her,” he protests, but there’s a smile in his voice and his normally pale skin is dusted pink. “I just never specified what type of girl friend you were. Platonic, romantic, friends with bene-”

You slap him in mock horror. “With you? Never.”

“Well, ouch,” he laughs, but you both know those words were nothing but a joke.

You had been best friends for years, and while that didn’t mean you couldn’t see Chan as anything more than a friend, it just… made things awkward and harder to develop. Besides, you weren’t sure if he even felt the same way.

Him calling you his girlfriend out of the blue tonight - it had been quite the shock, even though you knew it was only a momentary lie. It had taken another shot to ease the butterflies.

“Anyways, how are you feeling? You took a few shots more than normal, and you’re already not that much of a drinker.” You lean forward, turning to look at his face as you make your way down the street. “I’d sleepover and take care of any nasty hangover, but I have class in the morning.”

Chan shakes his head. “I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’m completely intolerant, right?”

Memories of his first time drinking with you come forth, but you choose not to mention anything. It had definitely not been one of Chan’s highlights.

“Although,” he let’s the word hang in the air for a second as he looks both ways before crossing the street, keeping you close to him. “I’ll feel much better if you let me walk you home.”

You raise a brow. You didn’t live too far apart, just two blocks, and you normally walked most of the way home together anyways… which meant that he was willing to walk you to your door.

“Well, alright.” You shrug nonchalantly, the butterflies from earlier that night stirring up again.

The night was young, and yet you felt the buzz that normally came with late night adventures. The buzz of an impromptu drive with Chan, of pillow fights when you were younger, of nights spent at countless bars, each trying to see who can win the most drinks.

Walking home with Chan by your side wasn’t anything spectacular, but there was no need for spectacularity to be present for the moment to be beautiful. Chan pointed out the moon and its stars, the light reflecting off glass beads in a shop window, stray cats running into alleyways.

“..and if you look up there, you’ll see the residence of one of my favourite people in history.”

You follow his finger up to a familiar apartment complex, and scoff.

“One of your favourites? How many do you have?”

He ponders the question for a second, a very thoughtful contortion of his face making you laugh. “I mean, there are some pretty cool historical figures. Also, my science teacher.”

You can only shake your head at him as you near the lobby of your apartment complex. The elevator doesn’t take long to come down, the mechanical whirring familiar.

“I was serious, though. I hope you know you’re one of my favourite people.” He glances over at you. “Ever.” He leans in close. “And I better be yours.”

You shove him away with a laugh, your cheeks warm. “You always have been.”

“Even from before you met me?”

“I shall leave that for you to decide,” you answer, and waltz yourself out of the elevator. He follows you, asking for answers, and you barely spare a thought for why he had followed you into the elevator at all. “But you should probably get going, you still need to walk home. And message me when you get home!”

“I always do, love,” he answers dramatically, but lingers by the door even when you’d stepped foot inside. He stands leaning against the door frame, arm over his head, and he watches you take your shoes off with a softness that would have confirmed any uncertainties you had about his feelings for you if you’d seen it. “Sorry, if I made you uncomfortable tonight.”

You frown at him, leaning against the wall so that you mirror his image. “Tonight was fun. It’s always fun with you.”

“I didn’t mean to call you my girlfriend out of the blue,” he explains, and he’s still looking at you, but you note the difficulty he seems to have with maintaining eye contact. “It was just the first thing that came to mind.”

You feel your face warm, but you manage a soft smile, and your mind suddenly feels a little clouded and your body light. The buzz was back - adrenaline, nerves, an itch to reach out to Chan, feel his skin under your fingers. Inching forward, you lower your gaze for a second.

“Say, what if we were dating? A lot of people think we are, anyways.”

“Well, if we were…” he puts an arm around your waist and pulls you forward, and you’re close enough to see the hesitation in his eyes. “I’d do this.”

He kisses you, and you don’t push him away. Some might have said that it was the alcohol's influence, but if they had heard the relieved sigh leaving both of your lips, they would only have come to one conclusion.

The two of you had been in love, holding onto a kiss that finally got to see the light tonight.

[izlaria]

Someone you like (part 2)

This is the second chapter of my “Someone you like” inspired fic. It’s also available on AO3 in case you prefer that platform.

Feel free to write comments in the tags or send me messages about this. I love feedback!

16 and 14 years old

Pidge Gunderson. I am Pidge Gunderson.

Katie looked herself in the mirror, trying to convince her brain that the image reflected was hers, that it was a boy, with no previous links to the Garrison, someone who had wanted to go into Communications.

It didn’t really work. All she saw was Matt: his glasses; his short, unkempt haircut; his nickname for her.

Maybe it was better like this. Katie had initially meant to immerse herself in this new identity, to go so deep into Pidge Gunderson that no one would be able to see past the cover, but the truth still kept slipping through her defenses. Katie was a Holt and her family was missing, so she was gonna find them. Pidge was just a tool.

It would be easier if there weren’t so many risks in studying at the Garrison.

Her father hadn’t brought her around often, but Katie had become infamous among the night-time security for her excursions to discover sensitive information regarding the Kerberos mission. Iverson, in particular, was probably expecting a new advance on her part.

He hadn’t recognized her, yet.

Sometimes Katie worried that she’d already been exposed and that they were just gathering evidence before actually making a move against her. If the Garrison was willing to lie about her father’s and brother’s deaths, then she couldn’t overlook the possibility that corruption ran deep within the organization.

She sighed, tugging at the ends of her hair.

“Come on, Gunderson!” she heard someone shout from outside her door. “You’re coming to lunch with us whether you want to or not!”

Lance continued to make noises, probably talking to Hunk. They usually threatened to hack into her keypad if she didn’t come out to join them for meals. Katie couldn’t really understand their stubbornness. She might have appreciated their offer of friendship back in Middle School, when she’d felt ostracized by her peers, but now it was just another hazard to her already convoluted plan.

“Go bother some poor girl, McClain!” Katie shouted in response, feeling more inpatient than strictly necessary.

She knew that Lance meant well, but she didn’t have time for his hijinks. Katie had a duty to her family, first and foremost, and any effort spent placating her teammates was a waste in that regard. Not to mention that Lance had a knack for attracting attention that completely opposed her own need to remain unseen.

Her door slid open with an elegant swoosh.

Katie poked her head from the bathroom to glare at the two boys who stood there. Hunk had the sense to look ashamed, but Lance just grinned.

“It’s bonding time, Pidge!” He stepped into the room, arms wide open. His easy smile was the same as ever, despite the news they’d received earlier that day about their performance stats. It was probably why Lance was there, after all.

Katie actually felt a little bad about the whole thing. She wasn’t particularly invested in training as a communications officer and, though she wouldn’t say it affected her retainment of the knowledge demanded from her, it certainly translated into frustration when they were in the simulator.

She wasn’t much of a team player, Katie could admit.

“If you’re trying to get on my good side, this is not how to do it,” she grumbled, trying her best to keep her voice low. Too much of a change would eventually weight on her vocal cords or sound plain ridiculous, but a difference in pitch and speech patterns were certainly necessary to disguise her true identity. Thankfully, any slip up could be attributed to puberty, as she’d been seeing many of their male classmates endure the difficulties of cracking voices.

Lance took her by the shoulders and shook her indiscriminately. “Quit being the worst!” His cheerfulness hid the vexation that Katie knew he truly felt. “We’re having burgers today, so I’m not letting you bring us down.”

She snickered. Lance was notorious for his love of junk food, despite Hunk’s attempts to get them more nutritious meals. He frequently spoke about his mother’s cooking but didn’t seem to have that same interest in the dietary plan prepared by the Garrison.

Katie couldn’t really fault him for that. Their meals were usually so blend that they seemed to withdraw taste from any of the condiments added.

From behind Lance, Hunk had finally gathered enough courage to come in. He looked around in such false innocence that Katie might have believed him, hadn’t she caught him going through her drawers the previous week. That boy was nosy as hell.

Just another reason to keep them away.

“If I go with you to the cafeteria, does that mean I can get you out of my room?” She fixed them with a stony look.

“For a time,” Lance offered, all cheeky and bright and annoying.

Hunk put a hand on his shoulder, pulling his friend back from Katie. “We noticed you didn’t eat yesterday, again.” He sighed. “If you took better care of yourself, we wouldn’t come here so often.”

Katie let that reasoning sit with her for a bit. She usually sneaked granola bars and other less-perishable types of food into her room to eat while she worked, but it was true that she didn’t really sit for meals unless the boys pushed her. She didn’t think they would notice.

It brought a strange warmth to her chest. She’d felt cold for so long now, always at arm’s length from those around her. Her mother had tried, but she was grieving and her suffering filled her until there was no more room for her daughter. These small kindnesses had gone away with Matt.

She struggled not to reach into her pocket for the picture she kept of them. Hunk had a curious soul and Lance was a gossip; they had almost caught her one too many times.

“I guess I did want your input on how to recalibrate this old radio I found in the junkyard…” Katie huffed out a breath, which the boys took as a surrender.

“Ah, nothing like the smell of oil and grease to really improve the day!” Lance put an arm around her shoulders, but she quickly dodged away, lest he recognize anything different about her body. Even though she was already pretending to be a boy, Katie didn’t want to also have to pretend to be trans. It was a line that she dared not cross, morally.

She felt the dysmorphia more acutely than she’d imagined she would. As a child, she had enjoyed cutesy things and dresses and her long hair. The sudden departure from those possessions was supposed to remove her from her previous identity, but Katie would always know the truth. There was no escaping it.

More than anything, it was the inability to choose that left her frazzled. The loose clothes and glasses and boyish haircut didn’t bother her and they did give her a liberty that more feminine wear didn’t, but Katie wished the circumstances allowed her to be a girl too, sometimes.

Alas, here she was, stuck between Hunk and Lance as they basically escorted her to the cafeteria. Matt would have a conniption if he ever found out there were boys breaking into her room at all times of the day.

“You thinking about those amazing fries we’re gonna get?” Lance sighed dreamily. “Honestly, I don’t know how they do it. Every other meal freaking sucks, but then Monday comes around and the cooks just nail it!”

Hunk chuckled, nodding along. “They probably want to put us in a good mood for the week. Everybody knows that getting back to classes after the weekend can be hard.”

“Hard? It’s impossible.” Lance dragged his hands through his face. “I nearly fell asleep during Arithmetic today. Professor Reeves is such a bore!”

“Maybe you wouldn’t fall asleep if you didn’t spend Sunday nights in town,” Katie quipped before she could stop herself.

“Yeah, well,” Lance floundered. “What’s your excuse, then? You won’t come with us, but you still look dead on your feet in the mornings!”

“I’m just not a morning person.” She crossed her arms, turning away from Lance.

In doing so, however, she came face to face with Hunk, who was staring at her with an inquisitive look. He was less loud about it than Lance, but it was clear that he also had questions about what Katie spent her time doing.

She tightened her arms around herself, feeling her stomach drop.

This was why Katie didn’t like to talk to them. It was usually easy to ignore Lance, because of how over-the-top he was, but Hunk’s gentleness and concern made the guilt rise within her. She didn’t want to involve other people in her lies, didn’t want them to believe Pidge was their friend only to be faced with a betrayal.

And that’s how they would see it, wasn’t it? Katie didn’t have a lot of experience with friendships, especially not ones as deep as Hunk and Lance’s, but no sane person would take it lightly to find out someone had lied about their whole identity and motivations.

Besides, if she ever did find out what the Garrison was hiding, it could possibly affect the future of the organization and disrupt the trajectory of every student there.

Before Katie could go further into her spiraling thoughts, she felt Hunk maneuver her into the cafeteria line. She had tuned out the rest of their conversation and now Lance spoke of a girl in his Aerodynamics class.

She ignored his ramblings. Lance tried to project this image of a lady’s man, but the few dates he’d scored since they started school never seemed to really move forward. They ended up in an endless cycle in which Lance fixated on some girl, hit on her endlessly, then finally gave up and went crying to Hunk.

Katie couldn’t see the appeal of it, but it most likely had to do with Lance’s self-esteem and need for validation.

“I think Jiya might actually like me!” he declared, despite how both Hunk and Katie were more focused on filling their trays with food. “Whenever the teacher asks me to stay behind and clean up, she stays to help! That has to mean something!”

Katie collected her juice box and went to sit down, pointedly ignoring Lance’s questions.

“I’m sure you’re right,” Hunk said agreeably. He didn’t sound too sure, but his expression showed that he was trying to be positive for Lance’s sake.

“Or, you know, the girl is just a nice person who thought you were being picked on by the teacher.” Katie raised her eyes to give Lance an unimpressed look. “And you’re reading too much into it.”

The boy scowled at her. “What would you know, Pidge? I’ve never seen you with a girl before.”

“Yeah,” she raised an eyebrow, feeling smug that the other two wouldn’t understand the humor in this. “What do I know of girls?”

Katie had to suppress a laugh when Lance turned to her with a very confused expression. Hunk, however, gave her a small, secretive smile that set off all kinds of warning signs.

“I don’t get it,” Lance complained to Hunk, then turned back to her. “I don’t get it!”

“Well,” Hunk started and immediately her heart started pounding in her chest. Outwardly, Katie tried to remain impassive. “The girls in our class all love Pidge.”

“They do?!” Lance burst out, eyes widened. His gaze shifted back and forth between her and Hunk.

They didn’t, Katie was pretty sure. Did they?

“They think he’s cute,” Hunk confirmed, waving his fork in the air as if trying to recall the exact words. “Pidge is quiet, but he’s smart and mostly polite, so Denise decided he was a good guy and the rest of the girls kinda followed her lead.”

Now that Katie thought about it, it was true that she’d helped Denise with her Bio homework and that people had been nicer to her since. She supposed they could see Pidge in a good light, especially because he seemed so much younger than the other students in Engineering.

Katie blinked rapidly to dispel her thoughts. She’d been thinking of Pidge in the third person, again.

“Fine, then.” Lance narrowed his eyes at Katie. “What miraculous advice do you have for me, oh Great Pidgeon?”

Despite his sarcasm, it was clear that Lance truly wanted an answer. It was one of the most ridiculous situations Katie had ever found herself in.

“How about you show some interest in what these girls like, instead of showboating around them?” She flicked a fry at him, which Hunk quickly stole for himself. “Sure, some people want to be impressed, but we all got into the Garrison and a lot of them already know your grades on the simulator. Most girls want someone who will listen and who they can have fun with.”

“I can be fun!” Lance protested.

“I get what Pidge’s saying, though,” Hunk intervened. Katie hadn’t meant to be harsh, but Lance suddenly looked a little deflated. “We know that you’re great, but you’re always so busy trying to be what these girls want from you that you don’t really get to know them. A little kindness goes a long way.”

Katie nodded along, munching on her burger. “No girl wants an egocentric boyfriend,” she added, mouth still half full. Lance glared at her in both disgust and indignancy.

“I don’t want to hear this from you, Mister I’m-not-here-to-make-friends!”

She shrugged and continued to eat her burger.

“Okay, okay…” Hunk put his hands up placatingly. “How about I get us some dessert and we change the subject?”

Lance glanced at him through the corner of his eyes. “Those guava-flavored popsicles?”

“You know it!” Hunk grinned back at him and the two shared a high-five.

“You’re so easy to please,” Katie commented once Hunk had gotten up. She used her last fry to soak up the mayo leftover on her plate.

Lance glared at her for a moment, before letting the last of his annoyance slip away. He reached into his backpack and took out an apple.

“Here.” He deposited it on her tray.

Katie frowned at him. “What is this?”

“You always eat fruit after we get something greasy, right?” he asked it casually, distracted by trying to squeeze ketchup onto his remaining fries. The condiment bottles in the cafeteria were continuously blocked.

“Yeah.” She blinked up at him, caught by surprise. Her voice had gone soft and she had to clear her throat to dispel the emotion that knotted there. “I didn’t think you would remember.”

Lance looked up from his food to give her an exaggerated eye-roll.

“You’re my friend, Pidge.” He kicked her under the table. “In spite of all your efforts to keep me away.”

She stayed silent for a moment, staring at the apple.

“Thank you,” she said. I’m sorry, she wanted to add, but it would make no sense to him. As far as Lance knew, Pidge was cold and self-involved and clinical to a fault.

“Don’t mention it!” He threw a fry up and tried to catch it with his mouth, but it merely bounced off his nose, marking it with ketchup. “Dang! One more!”

Katie let out a breath of laughter. Then, sitting up to better her odds, she waved at Lance. “Try me.”

By the time Hunk returned, Katie was biting into her apple as Lance complained about the ketchup stains he’d gotten on his uniform jacket.

--

She didn’t know what had driven her away from the dorms that day. There was a restless energy within her that demanded space and, though she’d never been the biggest fan of nature, it had sent her directly into the Arizona desert.

Katie felt like Pidge, today. Not like Pidge Gunderson, but like the little girl who’d yelled a misheard swearword at locked doors, until her brother had come to her rescue. She felt young and impulsive and alive, despite the grief that still weighted on her shoulders.

More than anything, she missed her mom.

In Katie’s eyes, Coleen Holt knew everything there was to know about agriculture and plant life. She was a different kind of genius from her father and brother, possessing a peacefulness about her that none of the other Holts could ever hope for. It had been a comfort through the years of Katie’s adolescence.

Sitting underneath one of the few trees distributed across the Garrison grounds reminded Katie of her grandmother’s place in Italy, where the fruit trees spread as far as the horizon. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine the sweet smells that rose from the vegetation.

“I wonder if they have lemon trees here,” she murmured to herself.

“I don’t think they do, Pidge.”

Katie lurched back in shock. She felt her shoulder scrape against the tree trunk and had to stretch out an arm to keep from falling. Lance sent her a carefree grin, bent down at the waist to look her in the eye, as he usually did. It irritated Katie to no end, not only for how condescending it was, but because it always put him too far into her personal bubble.

“What are you even doing here, Lance?” she asked once her heartrate had gone down.

“I saw you through a window and thought we could eat together, since Hunk is sick.” He looked pointedly at the half-eaten sandwich she’d tossed in her surprise. “I see you started without me.”

“Well, now I’ll have to buy something else for lunch, so thanks for that,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Don’t be like that, Pidgeon.” Lance poked her on the ribs. “I even brought you something as a bribe.” And then he extended an apple towards her.

Katie took it, trying to cover up her amusement with exasperation. “Do you think I’m obsessed with apples or something?”

“Next time I’ll bring you a lemon,” he teased.

Maybe it was because she felt more herself than she had in weeks, but Katie snickered at him. While his sanguinity could be exhausting, this time it was a welcome relief from the stagnation she’d fallen under.

Lance pulled out a sandwich from his pack, one of those 30 centimeters subs in Italian bread and multiple fixings, and Katie felt her mouth water at the sight. He must have noticed, because Lance chuckled and broke out one end for her.

“I think this is a palo verde,” he remarked after swallowing his first bite. At a confused look from Katie, he clarified, “the tree. You were talking about it before, right?”

“You speak Spanish?”

“Yeah…” He sounded like he was laughing at her. “I’m Cuban.”

Katie suddenly felt very stupid. He and Hunk had probably mentioned this already, but she didn’t pay them that much attention. It was a little embarrassing, especially when Lance seemed to be memorizing every small piece of information she offered him.

“Oh.” She searched for the right thing to say. “I didn’t know. Your last name sounds American.”

The whole situation left in her a sense of déjà vu. She couldn’t quite remember why, but the words pulled at her memory.

Thankfully, Lance took it in stride. “Our family has been to the US, then back to Cuba, then back to the US for generations. My whole name is actually Lance Serrano Mcclain.”

She nodded. Normally Katie would let the conversation drop and focus on finishing her meal, but she had already decided to take a bit of a break that day, in order to be more attentive at night. It couldn’t hurt to find out more about her teammate.

“So… Palo verde?”

“It means green stick, which seems kind of unfair, because this tree is actually pretty big, especially for the climate around here.” Lance fanned himself. “I hate how dry it gets.”

She almost agreed with him, but, as far as Lance and Hunk were concerned, Pidge Gunderson had no reason to have been outside of Arizona. Instead, she pretended to ponder his comment.

“The desert can be pretty unpredictable. The lack of humidity during the day is bad, but I wouldn’t want to be caught out when the temperatures drop.”

Lance faked a shiver. “Don’t even talk about that! I have too much tropical blood to handle the cold well. Hunk’s Samoan, by the way,” and there was unnecessary emphasis to his words here, “so he’s the same.”

“I didn’t realize both of you weren’t from around here.” Katie could imagine how much they missed their families. Choosing to voluntarily leave so that they could study at the Garrison must have been difficult.

“That’s nice to hear.”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just…” He scrunched up his nose, as if he wanted to take back the words as he said them. “You were so cold to us when we first met, we weren’t sure what it was about.”

It was her turn to grimace. Katie hadn’t wanted to seem like so much of a jerk. She could be snappish and patronizing, even with those she loved, but her haughtiness towards her teammates had been a façade created to keep them out. Not that it did any good.

“Ugh, you’re already closed off, again.” Lance threw his head back in frustration. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s just personal, Lance.” Katie played with the apple in her hands. “I swear it’s not about you two.”

Without looking directly at him, she couldn’t tell what expression Lance was making. He stared at her, letting the silence extend.

Then he popped the last of the sub into his mouth, spreading back onto the grass.

“We will pester it out of you.” She turned to see him grinning. The confidence there was a quiet thing, so much different than Lance’s usual hyperboles and that much more effective. She felt dazed by it. “Eventually.”

Katie had never understood what the girls in her school meant when they talked about crushes. They always seemed frivolous, going on about someone’s hair or how handsome they were or how strong. Meanwhile, Katie had simply hoped for a friend, for a respite to the unending mocking.

Still, Lance suddenly looked very interesting under this light. His chin was too pointed to be considered attractive, but his blue eyes caught the sunshine like polished stone. He could be funny and thoughtful and inventive, attributes Katie hadn’t expected to value.

She moved her gaze to where another group of students was sitting, uncertain if the heat running up her neck would translate into a damning blush. She bit into the apple to keep from incriminating herself further.

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Kikuta

Ogata is next. You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Kikuta is so serious that it comes off extremely funny. He hasn’t been in a stable relationship for quite a while so getting back in the game gives him headache and upset stomach. For a person that pompous, with a damn jacket made of collected guns, he acts awkwardly sweet and romantic, and he is also a little afraid that it will push his potential partner away. In short, Kikuta is a mess.

Opposite to his own state, Kikuta wants to bring peace to his loved one’s life. He tries to pull off image of ideal man, one that will take off his jacket and cover a puddle with it just for his partner to stay clean. Seeing encouragement makes him more confident, less nervous, and therefore more refined. You’ll be drowning in attention, gifts, praise. Later, Kikuta gets comfortable with his own clumsiness and awkwardness and just laughs it away.

Relaxing together is a must. Impromptu rest in hot springs, not in those controlled by establishments, but in wild ones, is a great example. Reading aloud? Yep. Chilling under the blankets? Yep. Massages and back rubs? Yep. Kikuta manages to make everything wholesome. Thankfully, war couldn’t kill his kindliness.

He voluntarily takes on the role of a guardian angel to protect his loved one from world’s harshness. Kikuta wouldn’t want them to see what he has seen - pain, cruelty, disease - so he made it his goal to improve himself and the world around. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

The highest possibility of becoming Kikuta’s friend is either being soldier of 7th division or being nurse that patched him up few times. He is rarely seen out of his missions so chances to get acquainted with him randomly on a street are low.

Kikuta is the friend that bails you out of problems, no matter how serious they are. In a street fight, he will kick any thug’s ass and make them beg for mercy. If you lose the bid while gambling, he will offer his own money and give you a chance to win some back. Overall, you can always rely on him.

Get ready for philosophical conversations over the glass of whiskey. He likes to talk on a variety of topics, especially abstract ones, like life and death, moment and eternity, love and hate. Most of the reasoning comes down to Kikuta’s military experience but can you blame him for it? Many allegories with weapons: “time flies like a bullet”, “life is just being at gunpoint without realizing it”, etc.

Most likely, he will be looking for a person whom he can serve as a father figure. Kikuta needs someone to look after thou he will rather die than admit it.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Kikuta has to be in specific mood to initiate cuddles and receive them. If he is busy, he will give his partner a faint smile and ask them to wait a little. Surprise, he doesn’t like spooning since it deprives him of the possibility of seeing their adorable face. Half-spoon sounds good and gives more opportunities like kissing his loved one in the top of their head or ruffling their hair. Honeymoon hug is the all time favorite that he likes to initiate right before falling asleep.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Mediocre in both cooking and cleaning, but, boy, does he want this domestic life? Absolutely. Kikuta dreams about getting away from military, finding a new, maybe, not that exciting, stable job, and settle down with his favorite person and few pups. Hardly anyone knows about it, but thought about a small yard where one can sit and watch the slowly falling leaves in autumn or play in a first snow with his own child in winter makes him so soft. Waking up in the comfort of own bedroom, cooking dinner for the whole family, wandering around his own house… Kikuta can’t wait for it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Comprehensive information about the break-up will be presented at its best in oral or written form. Kikuta addresses everything they are interested in, from reason to the wish to stay friends since his care for their feelings is infinite and he wouldn’t want to leave them without proper closure. After parting ways, Kikuta gives them space to recollect themself, let off the steam, and recover but he plans to come back in their life as a good friend (if they are okay with that, of course).

Kikuta is one of the people that got your back even after bad break-up. You could throw a tantrum, tell how much you hate his guts, and still he will check up on you, protect your name behind the back, and treat you with the same respect as always.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Typical traditional looks on marriage, would want to get married after 1-2 years of relationship. After the appearance of attachment, Kikuta can’t imagine himself with anyone else even if there is a more suitable partner right under his nose. His trust in them is immeasurable: their worst flaws do not don't bother him that much, and when they do, Kikuta tries to gently persuade his loved one into more appropriate behavior. Their past doesn’t matter either unless it is associated with straight-out high treason. Like he doesn’t justify anything but doesn’t seem to emphasize attention on the past wrongs. He is one of the most committed man around, really.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

You have to have Kikuta’s heart set on you for him to show the gentle side. He is polite, it's true, he knows how to court person, but he must force himself to put tenderness in action. Good news: it works like a physical exercise. The more often you do this, the easier it gets. Over time, Kikuta feels comfortable enough to call them pet names like angel or dearest, even in public, without worrying to appear vulnerable.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Not the biggest fan of the hugs, but likes to put one arm around loved one’s shoulder. There is no particular reason, Kikuta is just too awkward when someone hugs him. Only his fingertips land on their back or waist, never the whole palm, and he tries to keep some space between them too. The exception to the rule is first meeting after long time apart when Kikuta wants to press them into himself, hold them as close as possible, and live this moment to the fullest.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Hard to say. If Kikuta sees frivolous attitude on their part, if he feels that he is just another pit stop on the road of their love victories, he will keep confession for someone else. Also, Kikuta either chooses the best romantic moment to confess or does it in the most awkward inappropriate time possible, no in between. After this, he is still hesitant to throw sweet words to the left and to the right but he eventually thaws and turns in the softest man, muttering sweet nonsense in his loved one’s ear.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Kikuta can be characterized as selectively jealous with a high threshold of tolerance. He has few people he wouldn’t want see his loved one around and he doesn’t care about everyone else, seeing them as unworthy opponents. One of the chosen people is Usami. Despite belonging to the same division, Kikuta doesn't trust him one iota. Superior private irradiates chaotic energy and aggression that easily can transform into harassment just to annoy Kikuta and bug him. Another one would be Tsurumi, known for the persistent love conquest and violent ways of achieving his goals. The last one would be Tsukishima, simply because he looks like a competitive man in his silent seriousness and devotion.

Poorly tolerates his loved one acting flirtatious, especially with three people listed above. His main coping mechanism is distancing which allows Kikuta to think about the situation and make sure he isn’t overreacting. After that, he decides to discuss the problem since he does want to make this relationship work.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Sensual kisser. He starts out as a man who knows what he is doing, skillfully and gently, and grows pretty demanding over the time. Kikuta likes to kiss in a secluded environment where there is no need to worry about anything other than the person in front of him, completely surrendering to growing passion. Yep, lip biting, tongue sucking, everything at the right time and in the right place. Lip kisses are his favorite because Kikuta knows nobody does it better, okay, but he is down for anything else too. He likes to kiss his loved one on the neck as well as plant kisses on both of their hands. And where he likes to be kissed? Lips and, who would expect, clavicles, and chest.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Seeing little kid automatically makes Kikuta nervous since, despite the efforts made, he has difficulties in communicating with them. The only fear Kikuta has is not death, nor prison, it’s crying baby that won’t fall silent after few coos and short cuddle. After several unsuccessful interactions with kids, he wondered if he could become a good father in the future and self-given answer was depressing. If his loved one wants to have children with him in the future, they have to rake the mountain of his doubts.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Chances are you won’t catch Kikuta in the morning because of important business he has to run through the work week. Maybe, you will hear the sound of a slamming door or receding footsteps but nothing more. On the weekends, this man always wakes up earlier than his partner, and almost immediately gets out of bed. Half of the times there will be an easy breakfast waiting for you on the table, and the other half you’ll find Kikuta industriously doing varied housework  Cuddles (or something more intimate) are rare, but Kikuta is more than willing to make up for it during the day.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Balances time at home and nights out well. Small dinner parties play great role in Kikuta’s life, he loves to invite guests to come over for a cup of tea and small talk or for whole evening of playing hanafuda. Kikuta isn’t the best host but with the help of supportive partner he will be more confident and better one. Spending time alone with the loved one, he likes to talk about the future and about anything at all, play games, or simply cuddle. If we speak about nights put, Kikuta is a big fan of Japanese theater, especially Western-derived shingeki that gained popularity in 1900s, and he insists going there at least once a month.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

First, he needs to get accustomed to the person, to observe their actions towards others so he can build an approximate image of them in the head. After the probationary period, Kikuta begins to gradually open up: his personality is revealed in short conversations over a cup of tea, in talk by the flickering fire, in single phrases like greetings or goodbyes. He often brings up old memories but needs a slight push to go deeper than nostalgic sighs. Never ever has word outburst so you’ll never hear information not meant for your ears.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Scarily cold-blooded when angry, but you have to push to piss Kikuta off, put some effort into it. He is used to deal with all kinds of people. Therefore, there’s already dozen of prepared lines of conduct that can be put to work when somebody is deliberately trying to mess with him. When angered, Kikuta’s first reaction is to shut the person up with one sentence if not a single word. Usually, it works. Sucks that it doesn’t when it comes to broken plate or spilled hellishly hot tea.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Here is the deal: good memorization doesn’t guarantee correct interpretation. Just like the case about the relationship between Ogata and Yuusaku, Kikuta may confuse something and come to the wrong conclusions, so often he chooses too subtly ask a leading question about thing that interests him. He is quite attentive and catches slightest changes in their behavior, listens carefully to the words they speak, but Kikuta can make a fool of himself once in a while. Like he forgot that they have a peach allergy (and he bought like 2 kilos) or they are scarred of big dogs (and he thought they would want to pet that sharp-toothed Kai Ken).

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite moment would be either proposal or moving in together. Both events mark a new stage in the relationship and keep him on the tiptoes. The day before Kikuta loses his composure: everything falls out of his hands, he cannot eat, cannot drink, cannot sleep because electrifying thoughts don't let him concentrate at all. The limbs seem foreign to him and Kikuta reaches new peak of awkwardness, tripping over his own legs. When the time comes, he is calm again. With the last bit of strength, he puts on a confident face and does his thing. The selected ring fits finger just right as well as his lips land exactly on theirs. After all Kikuta is absolutely sure of his choice and would not want to spend life with someone other than his chosen loved one.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

The closer the person gets, the more worried Kikuta becomes. You never know who is friend and who is enemy in the ongoing treasure hunt, who can stab you in the back because of newly devised action plan. To calm the soul, Kikuta may teach them self-defense both barehanded and with the use of firearms. Also, he is always straightforward about people to be careful with and people who can be trusted. For example, he will do his best to hide his loved one’s existence from 1st Lieutenant Tsurumi even if it means Kikuta has to stage their death.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Kikuta is your dream man when it comes to dates, he keeps things classy in the best sense of this word. Outside the military profession, Kikuta has the ability to appeal to the more refined side of himself and share his views with other. He is the one to take his loved one to historical museum or secluded beach at sunset, the one to look for a restaurant that follows Japanese cooking traditions that have been passed down from generation to generation. The only thing that can make him late is the doubts while choosing the best bouquet. On the anniversaries, there’s no tangible difference since he is used to spoil them with attention pretty much every day. Performs home tasks diligently as well.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Kikuta can be stubborn as donkey, godlessly, unapologetically stubborn. On some occasions he agrees with what another person is saying but still does it his own way, without any explanation, just because he thinks his option is better. It is more common in in the professional field but may pop up in domesticity too.

Speaking of work, Kikuta tends to over-work himself when case includes the thing that really interests him. Digging in paperwork brings him a feel of being needed and sense of stability, both of which are not always present in relationships with people. A person can drastically change his mind and words, stab you in the back, leave… but work? Work could never.

Kikuta can be a bore that wants to stay in one place, talk with the same people, speak out the same ideas. Such company will seem dull to over-active, expressive, and extraverted people.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Oooh, you can’t tell it from his face, but Kikuta takes good care of himself. Not a metrosexual, but a type that wants to be presentable at any time. His style is consists of neutral dark colors, smooth lines, as the opposite of his sharp facial features, and even his casual stubble is thought-out accessory. Probably carries his favorite comb in inner pocket to keep his hair smooth.

He has a collection of neckties for all occasions as well as he knows how to tie them in different, often whimsical ways. Kikuta would really like to pass on his knowledge to the son since in his imagination this is excellent example of cool father-son interaction.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Impeccable self-control helps to get though the loss partially. Right after the break Kikuta excuses himself and leaves. He needs fresh air and, maybe, cigarette. Or a drink. Or start his evening routine hours earlier than usual. Crushing awareness comes day later, when he cannot habitually hug his loved one or get an unexpected kiss on a cheek. Heartsore grows harder and goes away for weeks before Kikuta gathers strength to let them go. Restrains himself from relationship for year or two and secretly hopes they will come back.

If they were killed, Kikuta does not pursue the idea of revenge at any cost. He bears the loss steadfastly, self-reflects through long conversations with Ariko, and plunges in overtime work. If Kikuta gets a chance to cross roads with a killer, he will strangle him with them with bare hands, looking straight into the eyes, and watching their life slips away.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Kikuta is a dog person that has never in his life owned a dog. When a stray dog runs up to him on the street, Kikuta always scratches it behind the ear, and asks “who is the best boy”. While in army, he took care of fluffy mongrel that was sneaking around the military base until First Lieutenant Tsurumi ordered to get rid of it. Kikuta still has a dream to adopt few dogs with his loved one so they both can take care of them (and the puppies).

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Eccentric personas. The man is already working with Usami, he is already under tremendous pressure, okay? His psyche can tolerate one freak but no more. Eccentric persona does not mean a common person who has one or a couple of distinctive features. We all have specific oddities. No, we are talking about a walking circus, loud, bright, and defiant. Kikuta tries to avoid this type of people at all cost.

Outrageous rudeness makes him tic too. Ill-timed swearing, terrible table manners, inability to behave in society. Small annoying details add up to one big picture that Kikuta physically cannot ignore. He'll definitely try to change that in person.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Kikuta has an evening ritual he performs every day before going to bed. It starts with attentively checking if all the doors are closed, then he puts out the lights everywhere except bedroom and bathroom. While washing his face Kikuta makes plans for tomorrow. He revises them while choosing clean outfit for the next day and putting them next to his bed so in the morning he could instantly jump into his shoes, pull on pants, shirt, and run on important government affairs. Kikuta is mysteriously silent whole time. Attempts to break the silence with small talk result in short dry answers. This routine never changes, even if someone requires an urgent meeting, since repeated actions bring at least some stability to his life.

Calm sleeper until he has to share a bed with another person. Kikuta’s peaceful sleep turns into terrible insomnia, bags under his eyes start to resemble Tsukishima’s, and he feels just awful trying to explain another person that it is not their fault at all. Intensive training, special meditation, counting sheep do not work so he quietly lies on the back and listen’s to another person’s breath.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #402

“there’s a space kept in hell with your name on the seat  /  with a spike in the chair just to make it complete”

Have you ever had any really infected injuries? Not an injury, per se, but I've had at least one ear piercing get infected during the healing process. Shit sucks ass. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? "Savior" by SWARM. Are you considered popular at school? I wasn't. If you could host your own talk show, would you do it? No. I've got nothing interesting to talk about. If you were starving would you eat food out of a garbage can? I honestly don't know if I could with how squeamish I am about sharing food, even with family. And we're talking about sharing food that's been in the TRASH. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I do. Which one of your senses would you be the most devastated to lose? I THINK hearing. I hate silence, so that would just be... haunting. I want to be able to hear people's voices and other sounds. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I have no idea. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? God no. They're divorced for a reason. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. If there was such a thing as a mental health first aid kit, what would you want to be in it? Some ice cream and a Mountain Dew bc I'm an emotional eater, my "graduation" pebble from my partial hospitalization program to remember how far I've come, some cold water to run over my face (or drink), my iPod for music and phone to watch YouTube, a nice, big blanket to turn into a burrito in... that kind of stuff. If you’re in a relationship, are you happy? And if you’re single, are you looking for someone? I'm not actively searching for anyone, no. What is something that people make fun of you for? Always being on the computer. It makes me EXTREMELY self-conscious, and I really wish people would keep their mouths shut about it. Which supermarket do you like to shop at? Wal-Mart. Have you ever been told that your boyfriend/girlfriend wasn’t good enough for you? In the past. Do you think it’s okay to flirt with someone that’s already taken, as long as it goes no further? Fuck no. Do you struggle to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do? YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP. Someone attractive is staring at you. What do you do? Probably just kinda smile and blush and look down/away. Are you friends with someone a lot of people dislike? *shrug* Favorite photo search engine? Tumblr for gifs, Google or Pinterest for still images, depending on what I'm looking for. Do you doggie paddle or actually swim in a pool? I'll do both, I think? It's been too long since I've swum. Ever made a snow angel? Ye-ep. Would you ever take up smoking? No. I like having operational lungs. Do you laugh at racial jokes? No. Hate to break it to ya, but they're not funny. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I've been loving Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland, even if I'm reading very slowly. My psychiatrist has given me a new way to approach my hobbies I have difficulty engaging in, so I'm hoping if I keep it up, my rate of reading will speed up! Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Ahaha, yeah... "a," "s," and "d." A true gamer. How "w" is still alive, I couldn't tell ya. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws, probably. The red ones, in specific. Last person you texted? My mom. What did you learn from your first job? That I can't work with people. Favorite website from your childhood? I was a Webkinz A D D I C T. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? Cranberry came to mind very quickly. Least favorite pattern? uhhhhhhh Favorite potato food? Either French fries or Lays wavy potato chips. PC or console gaming? I grew up as a console gamer, so I'm kinda biased. Writing or drawing? Don't make me choose!! I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I'm proud of, but I do way more writing. Who would you put before everyone else? My mom, probably. Lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights, or sunlight? Fairy lights are so cute. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? I shit you not, none. What is your third favourite colour? Hm. Maybe rose gold, or lilac. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I'm really not sure, but I WANT to say it was one of those slide-y, compact Blueberry ones? Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? The Cheshire Cat has always been very alluring to me. What is the last thing you looked up online? The definition to a word just to ensure I was using it correctly. Have you ever had your fortune read? No. I ain't wasting time or money on that shit. Can you read tarot cards? If you couldn't guess from above, I have zero faith in this kinda stuff, so I don't care to learn. Do you prefer lemons or limes? Lemons. I like lime flavoring in some stuff, though. Are your expecting anything in the mail? No. What would you like to see out of your window everyday instead of what you see now? The forest. Do you own a camera? I do, a Canon EOS Rebel T6. Have you ever written a special note in a book? Yes. Early into our relationship, Jason lent me a book to read, and I wrote a lil love letter in it for him. Do you have any artistic talents? I mean I like to think I'm a good writer and a decent artist. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT with Girt. It was fun because he's a horror pansy, haha. He did fine, though. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Freak the fuck out because I haven't had sex in many years, so that thing's coming the fuck out 'cuz it obviously ain't natural. Favorite thing to get at McDonalds? Look man, I'm shameless, I love me a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese. Plus some fries. :x Do you know anyone named Alex? I know multiple people named Alex, actually. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. In other words, it's been a loooong time.Would you ever record yourself having sex? God no. Like zero judgment to the people that do, but I get NOTHING out of watching others "do it." I've never actually tried watching porn, but I couldn't have less interest. I know I'd hate it, and a lot. Did the vacuum scare you as a child? I don't think it did, anyway. Have you or would you ever use a dating app? One of my most embarrassing secrets is that I was briefly on Christian Mingle. It makes me want to cringe into fucking oblivion. Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to? My dad. He's... a character. What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school? That time fucking flies, so cherish every millisecond. Do you and your friends ever talk about your sex lives? Not really. Even when I was sexually active, I was private about that stuff. I don't care if others talk to me about theirs, but odds are I'm not saying much about myself. What were the best and worst interviews you’ve ever had? What made them so good/bad? I've never had a bad interview, but I mean, I've only had I wanna say four in my whole life. None were anything special either, though. Ever put someone else in the hospital? No. Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what? No. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Finding a container of puppy chow underneath the Christmas tree one year. It was my parents' way of telling me we were getting a dog (which I had been nagging them about FOREVER), and next came Teddy. <3 I miss my boy. Is someone in love with you? I wouldn't know. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? That's a hard no. Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly? No. Do you snore? No, actually. Pretty astonishing for someone with such severe sleep apnea. When is the last time someone else slept in your bed? When Sara last visited. How often do you dust? Not... nearly enough as I'm supposed to. Mom gets on me about it all the time. What is the most ‘extreme’ activity you have ever done? Ha, nothing wild, I assure you. I guess riding a four-wheeler through the woods once with our former neighbors, who were good friends of ours.. Have you ever rode on a mobility scooter/wheelchair just for fun? Um, no? That's a jackass thing to do. Some people actually need those. Who’s the most controlling person you know? OH MY FUCKING GOD. OUR FAMILY FRIEND TOBEY. EASILY. She seizes control of EVERY situation, even if she has no right to be involved in it. Does anyone keep a photo of you in their purse/wallet, and if so, who? Not to my knowledge. Do you own a microphone? No. Do you enjoy trailers at the cinema? I do! I like arriving in time to see them. Have you ever been burgled? No, thankfully. Have you ever entered anything into Urban Dictionary? If so, what? No. What’s the last live performance you watched on TV? No idea. Have you ever been embarrassed to buy something from a shop? Not to my recollection. It helps that I'm not the one buying things, like ever. What’s the name of one of your friends’ dogs? Buster! :') He's a precious lil bean. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. A GIANT CENTIPEDE. That's one pet in the invert community that I have ZERO interest in EVER owning. Those bitches are scary. Have you ever needed to wear a tie? If so, when/why? Nope.

[mayquita]

Damn You For Making Me Love You (13/15) - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

Thank you so so much, for your likes, reblogs, kudos and comments. It means the world to me.

Beta-Reader: Thank you so much, @ultraluckycatnd​​​ I couldn’t have asked for a better beta. Thank you for all your effort, your suggestions, your advice and for always being there when I needed you.

Special mention to @saraswans​​ and @onceuponaprincessworld​​​, thank you so much for your perpetual support and for believing in me and in the story. Thank you again to the moderators of the event, @captainswanbigbang​​​ for giving us this opportunity and making this possible. You all are the best :)

Summary: Emma Swan and Killian Jones are close friends and co-workers. And both are in love with each other. The problem? They keep their feelings secret not only to the other but also to the rest of their friends. When Elsa, Emma’s best friend and Liam, Killian’s brother and Emma’s boss find out, they decide to form an alliance and work as a team with a clear goal, to get Emma and Killian to take the next step in their relationship and confess their love for each other.

Rating: M

Word count: ~ 6600 (98k total in 15 chapters)

Ao3 / FFnet

About this chapter: What might happen when you put six people together in a cabin to celebrate New Year with all those simmering feelings around them?

//

Chapter 12:  Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

Emma - December 2019

Emma could barely contain her excitement as they approached their destination.

They had been so busy the previous week that she was looking forward to enjoying this well-deserved break for everyone. Not only because she would be able to really rest and disconnect for a couple of days, but also because this trip would allow her to spend time again not only with Killian but with the most important people in her life.

Christmas week had been crazy. The number of clients did not stop growing, which meant not only an increase in their income but also an increase in work. During the past few days, she had spent more time helping behind the bar than taking pictures.

The prominent success of The Kraken was also reflected on different social media platforms, as they gained new followers every day, while the number of comments that these followers left was increasing. Even the poll to choose the song on Saturday had been a resounding success, getting a lot of participants who not only dedicated themselves to voting but to give their opinions not only on the songs but also on the singers themselves.

The corners of Emma's lips rose as she read through the new comments that had appeared in the last hours on her phone. They had a passionate audience, no doubt, to the point that they had even started shipping Emma and Killian together, with non-subtle comments about it.

Omg! Their chemistry on stage is awesome. Can you imagine that one day they surprise us with a kiss after singing? I'd die if that happened. The Kraken is my favorite bar and I go there every Saturday. And now with even more reasons to go. I love Killian and Emma duets. They're fantastic together. Killian is the best singer ever, but with Emma by his side, they manage to create magic. Are they really together or does it just seem like it? I think Memories has been their best performance together so far. It was amazing!!! And I love the songs participating in the new poll. I’ve already voted, looking forward to seeing them sing together Don't Stop Believing. I believe in them.

"What's so funny?" Killian asked as he stretched his neck to try to take a look at her phone screen. 

They had decided to travel in one vehicle, with Liam the one designated to drive, since it was his own car. The passenger seat was occupied by Elsa, while Killian and Emma were relegated to the back seats, although this time Killian didn't seem to mind in the least.

"Stuff about The Kraken," Emma explained, handing him the phone. "People seem to ship us," she continued in a lower tone as she glanced forward to make sure the other two were not paying attention to them.

They hadn't told anything to anyone about the new level reached in their relationship. Not that there was much to tell, she had tried to convince herself. They might have shared several kisses but they hadn't talked about feelings, not really.

Well, to be honest, since she had asked him to be patient they had shared more than just chaste kisses. It was as if, even though the armor around her heart hadn't yet disappeared completely, she was having serious difficulties in curbing her physical attraction to him once she had been able to taste his lips — and remember it.

He was a hell of a kisser. Of course he was, she wasn't surprised at all. Still, she had only succumbed once more after Christmas, in a steamy moment shared minutes before Killian took the stage last Saturday. She had followed him to the office to grab the guitar and jumped on him the moment the door had closed behind them, leaving him breathless, flustered, and with his hair completely disheveled just before going on stage. His performance had been the best so far, to her delight.

She was surprised that this new level of intimacy with her best friend had not caused an awkward atmosphere between them. Perhaps her fear that everything would change between them slowed her down before giving him her heart entirely, but the truth was that their first kiss had awakened a wave of sensations swirling inside her, offering her a glimpse of what it could be to be completely with Killian, in both body and soul.

Emma cast a last sidelong glance at Killian, who was staring at her phone screen, a gleeful expression on his face. Then she turned her head in the direction of the car window and focused her gaze on the landscape they were going through, finding snowy fields, large trees on the roadside and the mountains in the background drawing an idyllic picture, giving her just a taste of what they would find when they reached their destination.

//

The cabin was everything they had expected and more. It was located in a clearing between mountains, surrounded by trees and endowed with an aura of peace and tranquility. The interior was quite cozy, decorated in stone and wood, with large windows that offered a privileged image of the surroundings, and a large fireplace that occupied a prominent place in the living room.

Anna seemed to have conveniently forgotten to mention one aspect though. There were only two bedrooms, each including a king-size bed.

Since both Anna and Kristoff had been there since the weekend, they had obviously already chosen a bedroom, the master suite, which not only had a giant bed but also included its own bathroom, a fireplace, and direct access to a small private porch overlooking the snowy mountains.

"Isn't it a wonderful place?" Anna could barely contain her enthusiasm while acting as a proud hostess, showing them every little detail of the cabin. "We can watch the sunrise while we lie in bed."

"Yeah, it's fantastic. But Anna, do you realize that we are four people and there is only one more bed?" Elsa was the one who decided to address the issue that really mattered to them while everyone else exchanged furtive glances.

"Oh, that's not a problem at all," Anna answered with a dismissive wave of her hand. "The living room couch is actually a sofa bed with room for two people. Kristoff and I have thought that you two guys can share the sofa while the other room would be for the girls."

"Unless you decide on a different room arrangement, of course," Kristoff added, raising his eyebrows with a not so subtle smirk adorning his lips.

"We'll manage," Liam hurried to answer as he scratched behind his ear, revealing with his gesture that he was nervous. At least in that regard, the two brothers were very similar.

This time Emma didn't even bother to protest about the distribution of rooms.

In fact, if she hadn't been one of the people involved she would have found the situation quite comical, four people in their thirties avoiding looking at each other and appearing clearly uncomfortable while thinking, surely, that, if the circumstances were different, they would have preferred a different bed partner.

Emma had to suppress a nervous laugh as an idea began to set in her head. They had come to this place not only to disconnect from the big city, but to have a good time with friends. She had at least placed many expectations on this trip since they had everything at their disposal to make those two days unforgettable in every way.

One thing was clear, she did not plan to say goodbye to the year with uncertainty in her heart and doubt in her mind. She had better find a moment to have a conversation with Killian that she should have had a long time ago. But she wasn't going to let another year go without confessing her feelings. And if for that she had to resort to certain unorthodox measures, she wouldn't hesitate to do so.

She cast a sidelong glance at Killian before accompanying Elsa to move their belongings to the assigned bedroom. The burning gaze he returned had the ability to make the butterflies in her stomach flutter furiously. He raised an eyebrow as he tilted his head to the side slightly, as if he were asking, without words, what she was up to, proving once again how well he knew her. In response, she bit her lower lip and then mouthed a simple later, before turning around and heading to the bedroom.

When Emma was left alone momentarily with Elsa, she was tempted to question her friend about her possible relationship with Liam. They had been so busy in the past few days that they had barely had time to chat beyond the normal conversations generated due to living together. But Emma was really dying to know Elsa's true feelings. She had remained quite reserved about it since she started whatever she had with Liam.

"So, are you ever going to tell me what's really going on between you and Liam?" Clearly finesse was not Emma's forte.

To her credit, Elsa's face remained almost impassive, only a faint shadow of surprise crossing her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about, Emma. He and I are just friends, you know that." Her blank expression suddenly changed, giving way to one of defiance. "I guess you're used to that term, friends, aren't you?"

"Well, I'm not the one who kissed a Jones in front of everyone last week." Emma's voice didn't even tremble as she counterattacked. Technically she wasn't lying, but the truth was that she had devoured Killian's mouth just a few minutes before the mistletoe incident.

"Oh, I'm well aware of that, believe me. Of you not kissing a certain Jones under the mistletoe, I mean. Such a wasted occasion." Elsa let out an exaggerated sigh as she shook her head in an attitude of false resignation.

Emma raised an eyebrow as she snorted, surprised by that unusual sarcastic side of Elsa. Even so, her attempts were not enough to divert attention. "What I hope is not a wasted occasion is this getaway. For any of us."

"I hope not, really. I have the feeling that we are about to enjoy some unforgettable experiences around here. We deserve this, you know. Right, Emma?"

Emma simply nodded as she offered her a smile of appreciation, her heart fluttering in her chest. They totally deserved it, not only she and Killian, but also Elsa and Liam. The most selfless and kind people she had known deserved to reach their piece of happiness and if this happened with them together, so much the better.

//

Elsa had ended up being right. They had only spent a few hours there but Emma and the others had managed to have a glorious time. The memory of their previous trip to Storybrooke crossed her mind several times throughout the day, since although the experiences had been quite different, the feeling of contentment had been the same on both occasions.

They had laughed until their stomachs ached while playing in the snow like little children. They had savored a delicious homemade meal in a small and cozy establishment located in the nearby town. She had even enjoyed playing a board game — Monopoly— for the first time in a long time. The fact that she had always been good with finances probably had something to do with the fact that she had managed to beat Liam, the expert businessman.

The only thing she had missed during the day had been the chance to spend more time with Killian. In fact, they had not had the slightest chance of having a moment of privacy even for a minute, so they had to settle for longing glances, accidental touches or promising smiles, something she should have already been used to but that now, given their current circumstances, was no longer enough.

Still, she hoped to solve this little problem soon, if all went well with the plan she had begun to forge. She just needed to find the best occasion to carry it out.

That opportunity would soon arrive, to her delight.

After the last Monopoly game, Anna and Kristoff had retired to their bedroom, alluding that they were tired, although Emma suspected that their early departure was nothing more than an excuse. Either way, she wasn't going to complain, especially since it would make her plan much easier to carry out.

The others, Emma included, decided to watch a movie since none of them seemed in a hurry to go to sleep. Emma strategically placed herself on the largest couch, the one that would be turned into a bed, dragging Killian to her side, so the other two had no choice but to settle on the other perpendicular sofa.

Before they started watching the movie though, Elsa decided it would be a good idea if they made popcorn, so Liam quickly offered to help her. It was as if the stars had lined up in Emma's favor, because this unexpected moment of solitude would allow her to inform Killian of her crazy plan.

"Are you ready to fall asleep in a few minutes?" Emma muttered as she cast a sidelong glance in the direction of the kitchen area to make sure the other two weren't listening.

"We haven't even started watching the movie, Swan. I hope we stay awake for at least the first hour." He smirked at her and then placed an arm on her shoulders and pulled her close.

"I'm not talking about really falling asleep, but pretending to fall asleep. We already have experience in that. Sort of."

Killian's eyes narrowed in confusion and then widened, as if he had realized the implications of his plan, his lips drawing a naughty smirk. "Are you planning to sleep with me here, in the middle of the living room? That would be scandalous, Swan."

"You're an idiot." She patted him on the chest, earning a silent chuckle on his part. 

She tried to convince herself that it wasn't a big deal, but still, she couldn't help a blush crawling up from her neck to her cheeks. Maybe her original idea was to force Liam and Elsa to share a bed although that would also imply that they would have to do the same. Emma was no longer sure which of these prospects she was most interested in. "You just need to go along with me. We'll pretend to be asleep until those two have no choice but to go to the bedroom and hopefully share a bed," Emma explained between whispers.

After her previous conversation with Elsa, Emma had found her friend quite receptive to the idea of being in a relationship, although she hadn't made any direct reference to Liam. Still, it didn’t hurt if they were given a little push to send them in the right direction.

"I just hope they don't decide to wake us up this time." Although Killian maintained a neutral expression, his tone implied that this possibility didn't excite him at all. Well, at least they were on the same page. "It's unlikely, though, given our tendency." He winked as he bumped her shoulder with his.

Her retort died before leaving her mouth as Liam and Elsa made their appearance again at that moment, holding two bowls of popcorn. So she did the only thing she could do at the moment, she settled back on the sofa, waiting for the best opportunity to carry out her plan.

They did watch the movie, at least during the first half-hour. When Emma cast a sidelong glance at the occupants of the other couch, she couldn't help smiling. They kept their eyes fixed on the television screen but Liam was circling Elsa's shoulders with his arm while her hand rested on his thigh at knee level. They seemed totally at ease with each other. Perfect.

The show was about to begin.

She leaned slightly toward Killian, who, in response, raised his arm and placed it on her shoulders, drawing her to him. After a few seconds of adjusting to the new position, she rested her head against his chest and pressed his thigh discreetly. She cast one last glance in the direction of Elsa and Liam to make sure they weren't paying attention, and then she closed her eyes, starting her stellar performance.

She didn't have to make many efforts to pretend to be asleep, really. The atmosphere that surrounded her certainly invited her to sleep, with the room dimly lit, the warmth emanating from the fireplace, and the rhythmic beat of Killian's heart against her ear acting as a lullaby. Emma felt a kind of drowsiness taking hold of her, making it increasingly difficult to stay awake. Just when she was about to succumb to sleep, she heard the first whispers.

"Liam! Look at these two. They've fallen asleep. Again."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Do you think we should wake them up?"

Emma held her breath trying to remain still as she prayed that her slow breathing would be convincing enough.

"Hell no. Let them sleep." Emma suppressed a sigh of relief when she heard Liam's reply. They remained silent for a moment although Emma detected some noises, as if they were moving and then heard another more concrete sound, a camera shutter followed by a giggle from Elsa.

"Shhhh, lass, we don't want them to wake up, do we?"

"I wonder how many photos we have of them in that position." After a brief pause, Elsa continued in an even lower tone, so Emma had to make an extra effort to capture her words. "At least this time they haven't needed any set up from us."

"I'm starting to doubt our abilities as matchmakers, love. Nothing seems to work with these two."

Emma's body tensed involuntarily at Liam's words. What the hell were they talking about?

"What will we have to do next? Lock them in a room together?"

"It's not a bad plan, lass. In fact, this house has a pantry that could work. At least they would have food and liquids to survive until they finally decide to confess their feelings to one another."

They know. 

Emma was surprised to realize that Liam was also aware. Not only that, but they had been working behind their backs to push them together.

Her heart began to beat frantically in her chest as a feeling of unease settled inside her, making it difficult to keep pretending she was asleep.

Although they continued to speak in soft whispers, Emma was no longer sure she wanted to keep listening. She noticed how Killian's body had also stiffened, but given their current situation, she couldn't check his reaction to Liam and Elsa's unexpected dialogue.

"It's a bit frustrating, to be honest," Elsa muttered. "They are so in love but they are so afraid that sometimes I feel like shaking them to make them react."

"Aye. Killian ... I've never seen him so in love, not even with Milah. Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so blind these past four years when the signs were so obvious."

Killian loves me.

Killian loved her.

For some reason, the realization of that fact, far from making her burst with happiness, caused the feeling of unease to increase, making her feel overwhelmed and having difficulty staying still when her whole body screamed to jump away from him.

"Emma is an expert in masking her feelings. But I think she is reaching her limit, really. I have a feeling that this getaway will bring us more than one pleasant surprise."

"Aye. For starters, everything seems to indicate that the two of us are going to end the year sleeping together. I mean, in the same bed. Well... I can always sleep on the floor, or stay here on this sofa..."

"Oh, shut up, Liam. We'll share a bed. It's not a big deal."

"As you wish."

In other circumstances, Emma would have felt happy after that little exchange. On this occasion, however, she couldn't wait for them to get out of there.

"Speaking of which, why don't we go to sleep too? I can barely keep my eyes open."

"Just give me a couple of minutes to make sure to extinguish the fire in the fireplace."

Emma kept her muscles tense while listening to several muffled noises, which she supposed came from Elsa and Liam making sure that everything was fine before going to sleep. After what seemed like hours, she felt a warm and fluffy fabric sliding over them. Liam, or more likely Elsa, had placed a blanket over them to make sure they kept warm after the fireplace went out.

The long-awaited silence fell on them a few seconds later. Emma remained motionless though, ignoring the pull of her body until she was sure that they weren't going to be discovered. After mentally counting to ten, she couldn't resist it anymore, literally jumping off the couch.

She was freaking out. Deep down she was aware of it but seemed unable to stop the escalation of feelings that had taken hold of her. She began pacing up and down, feeling like a caged animal.

She suspected —no, she knew, she corrected herself —that Killian had feelings for her. She had stopped having doubts about that after sharing their first (second) kiss. But love was a meaningful word. She hadn't expected to hear that word so soon, even though her feelings were mutual. She hadn't expected to hear about it in such an unusual and impersonal way either.

"Emma? What's wrong?"

Emma chose to ignore Killian and focused instead on trying to control the contradictory thoughts that clustered in her head and to pull herself together. She wasn't even able to put into words everything that was going through her mind at the time, which only increased her sense of frustration. Still, she forced herself to take a deep breath to calm the rapid beat of her heart.

He loved her... How on earth would she be able to deal with that confession when she hadn't yet assumed the implications of their first kiss?

The other revelation wasn't easy to accept either. All these previous weeks, all those unexpected plans had been nothing more than the set-up attempts by her two friends. Emma felt as if, somehow, the escalation of feelings towards Killian had been forced instead of flowing naturally.

"Emma..."

This is a mess ... she thought, unable to face Killian right now while avoiding his gaze at all costs.

"Emma, look at me." She was so absorbed by her turbulent thoughts that she hadn't realized he had risen from the couch and was right in front of her. "What's going through that head of yours?"

His voice didn't denote annoyance, rather concern and a hint of curiosity. In other circumstances, she would have admired his composure, but this time she wanted to be mad at him. They were both involved, why did she feel like boiling inside when he remained perfectly calm?

"You heard them, right? This is... this is too much." She waved her hand as if encompassing the space between them. She was scared of what she would find when she looked into his eyes but showing off an unusual display of courage, she finally looked up, searching for his gaze, finding a stormy expression, and a special glow in his eyes.

"I've listened to them and honestly, I wasn't surprised by any of their revelations. I wonder why it has affected you so much. Isn't everything they have said true?"

"That's exactly the reason, Killian!" she hissed, looking away again as she felt like a wave of frustration washed over her, seeing herself unable to explain how she felt. Killian, always so perceptive, reached out tentatively and began rubbing her arms gently, as if trying to calm her down.

"Emma, love, you need to calm down."

Although reluctant, she did what she was told while taking a shuddering breath in a new attempt to pull herself together. His reassuring gesture worked as she noticed how her tension level gradually decreased. Only when he made sure she had calmed down enough did he nod in her direction, encouraging her to express her feelings.

Before speaking, she shook her head feeling ridiculous about her overreaction, while noticing how her cheeks blushed in embarrassment. Even so, after letting out a heavy sigh, she finally decided to explain herself.

"I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like with their stupid setups they've forced us into our current situation, instead of the feelings between you and me developing naturally." She knew that her speech made no sense, but still she felt the need to expel those thoughts away.

Killian opened his mouth as if he wanted to reply, but she lifted a finger and pressed it to his lips gently as she gave him an imploring look to let her continue. "Besides, I feel robbed. First, with our first kiss that we barely have a memory of and now with that revelation. Such confessions should be one of the milestones to reach in a couple. The first kiss, the first I..." Her voice trailed off, as she looked away again, feeling unable to express those three words out loud. Not yet.

"Emma..." The way Killian pronounced her name, in an almost reverent manner, caused a chill to run down her spine. He then touched her chin and pressed gently, forcing her to lift her head and look him in the eye. A feeling of vertigo seized her when their gazes met again. There was pure honesty in the blue depth of his eyes, along with something like devotion and, above all, love. 

"I love you, Emma Swan. I've loved you for a while, actually. My confession may be hasty, but at least it serves, I hope it serves to reach one of our milestones as a couple. Because, believe me, love, I intend to reach each and every one of them. Together."

He loved her.

She gasped, unable to react, her breath caught in her throat as he continued speaking. "As for my brother and Elsa's alliance, these unexpected plans may have gotten my feelings towards you to increase, but they are real. So real and intense that sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but in a good way."

She loved him.

She loved him for many reasons, including his way of acting towards her and his ability to always find the right words to reassure her.

"Besides," he continued in a lighter tone, "haven't we been doing the same with them? Acting as matchmakers? In fact, we're in this situation right now because of your idea to try to push them together, Swan."

He was right, again. Still, she had the feeling that the other two had taken it more seriously than them. At least the other pair had developed a much more detailed action plan than their poor attempts.

"We're idiots," she groaned as she covered her face with her hands. Now wasn't the time to feel embarrassed, she told herself, but to assess their actions and learn from them, as any normal adult would do, right? She dropped her arms, looking back at Killian. "But at least it worked, didn't it? I mean, look at the two of us, finally having this conversation, while they are sleeping together. Thanks to me." She raised an eyebrow while she grinned at him. Okay, maybe acting like an adult wasn't her forte after all.

"Okay, I'll give you that, but you must admit that you were wrong when you said they were dating in secret."

"Semantics."

Killian chuckled, the sound causing her stomach to flutter. She was hopeless in regard to this man. That reminded her that she still had more confessions to make. Still, she was grateful for that brief pause that had served both to lighten the tension and to reassure her in some way, since at least so far in their new relationship, the banter and the teasing between them remained intact.

"I'm terrified," she blurted out, without giving herself time to have second thoughts. Perhaps if she dared to express her concerns aloud she would be able to see them from another perspective that would allow her not only to face her fears but to overcome them. "What if this doesn't work between us? What if we, I don't know, we don't work in bed? What if there's no spark?" She hated the vulnerability of her voice a little, but he deserved honesty. "You're my best friend, I can't... I can't lose you."

The corners of his lips rose drawing a reassuring smile. "I know how you kiss, Swan, and if that is indicative enough, we shouldn't worry about that other regard, believe me." He accompanied his words with a suggestive move of his eyebrows causing her cheeks to start burning. Then his expression changed to a more solemn one. "I'm not going anywhere, Emma. If you want us to remain friends, I'm going to accept it, but that won't change my feelings for you."

Just when she was about to reply, his eyes widened as if he had remembered something while he pressed his fingers to her lips. "Also, I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you. Whatever it takes, I will stay here with you."

"Did you just use the lyrics of a song in this conversation, Jones?"

His lips curled into a bright smile as he shrugged. "I have a feeling that nothing's gonna stop us now ."

She huffed while shaking her head in disbelief. She should be used to it, after all. It was one of the consequences of falling in love with a musician, that music was always present in one way or another.

She was in love with him. And he deserved to know it.

"I love you," she suddenly confessed, without giving herself time to think. The way in which his face lit up as his gaze intensified was enough reward for her. After such a long time of suppressing them, those words sounded a bit strange when said out loud, so she forced herself to pronounce them again to get used to saying them. "I love you, Killian," she repeated, in a much more convincing voice. 

"Good," he muttered and then pressed his lips against hers. It was a delicate kiss where Emma could feel all his affection and devotion towards her, the softness of his lips on hers causing all her worries to melt away while her heart finally broke free of its protective barrier.

They kissed languidly for a few seconds until their kisses became more passionate, as if they couldn't get enough of each other. She was so consumed with desire that she barely noticed that they were moving until Killian's calves hit the couch and he dropped on it, dragging her along.

She straddled his lap, her mouth never leaving his, while she felt an overwhelming wave of lust invading all her senses. It was as if, after so much time of repressed feelings and emotions, those very feelings had finally found their freedom. Such was their intensity that she found herself unable to restrain them. Not that she put too much effort into that restraint, honestly. Not when she felt so fucking good in Killian's arms as she was devoured by his demanding mouth and his hands began the first tentative exploration of her body, leaving a burning trail in their wake.

The delicious friction of his prominent arousal against her core was driving her crazy. When his fingertips tentatively brushed the curve of her breasts for the first time, she thought that she could combust at that very moment. She moaned against his mouth as she moved her hips with a clear purpose.

She could have continued just like that for hours, lost in the intoxicating sensation of his lips on hers, while she felt her skin burn under his touch. But Killian decided to break the kiss, parting a little from her and looking for her gaze.

He looked wrecked, the blue of his eyes almost gone, his hair completely disheveled, his lips swollen. A wave of pride seized her at the realization that she was the cause of his current condition. Just when he was about to say something, she deliberately moved her hips again, earning a loud groan from him.

"Emma, love. We... We need to stop," he finally managed to say in a raspy voice. "We're in the middle of the living room."

He was right, of course he was. She was internally grateful that he had had some lucidity because in her case, she had difficulty forming coherent thoughts. After such a long time of repressed feelings, now they ran wild causing her blood to boil and her mind to cloud. Letting out a huff of annoyance, she buried her head in his chest, reluctant to get away from him.

"I'm totally claiming the other bed for tomorrow," he grunted, earning a giggle on her part.

"Well, we can always turn the sofa into a bed and cover ourselves with the sheets. At least we'll have some privacy," she suggested, looking up as she raised an eyebrow suggestively. She did not want to miss the opportunity for intimacy with Killian now that there was nothing that stood in their way.

"Are you thinking of having your way with your best friend, eh Swan? Without even taking me on a date?" he joked, an expression of feigned disbelief on his face.

"Well, we have actually had plenty of dates, if we consider all those crazy plans of your brother and Elsa."

"If you put it that way..."

The light conversation had managed to cool her impulses somewhat, yet the desire for him remained latent, waiting for the best occasion. When they got up from the couch, Emma couldn't help directing her gaze at his crotch, finding a more than obvious tent in his pajama pants. She licked her lips and then let out a quiet sigh trying to redirect both her thoughts and her gaze to something less tempting, such as helping Killian turn the sofa into what would be their bed for the night.

Once the bed was ready, Killian turned off the light of the only lamp that remained lit and then they got into bed together, covering themselves with the sheets. Both instinctively turned towards each other, finding themselves in the middle of the mattress and entangling their limbs.

An idea crossed her mind at that moment, something she had completely forgotten after that first shock a few minutes ago. "So Liam knew about your feelings?" Emma asked in a soft voice, gently stroking his cheek while trying to glimpse his features despite the darkness that surrounded them.

"Aye," he admitted, then placed a soft kiss on her lips. "He has known for a couple of months. Do you remember the weekend we had free?"

"I also confessed to Elsa that weekend," Emma said slowly, as the memory of that night came to her mind, causing her cheeks to blush. She was grateful now that Killian couldn't observe her features in detail due to the darkness.

"What the hell happened that weekend?"

Emma was tempted for a moment to respond evasively using any excuse, but in the end, she decided to be honest with him and confess how she had felt. She didn't want to hide that information, especially because she had the suspicion that that night had been the beginning of what would lead them to their current situation.

"I... I might have been a little jealous," she muttered and bit her lower lip while waiting for his reaction.

"Jealous? Of whom?" Even in the dark, Emma could observe how his eyes widened when he caught the meaning. "Of Belle?"

"I know, I know. It wasn't just Belle, but... you could have chosen any other girl from the bar." She tried to explain herself but was interrupted when Killian captured her lips with his in a demanding kiss, one with the ability to make her head spin.

Killian broke the kiss a few seconds later, resting his forehead against hers as they both tried to catch their breath. "I have another confession to make," he muttered, his warm breath caressing her lips. "I was also jealous, Swan. I thought your strange behavior was because I was interfering in some way, in your search for a one-night stand."

"Really?" His answer caught her off guard. "God, we're two idiots," she muttered while hiding her head in his chest. He circled her with his arms, pulling her to him and causing their bodies to press together.

She loved him.

She wanted him.

She wanted him so badly that, for once, she decided to act on impulse, without fear of consequences, determined to just feel.

Killian slipped a hand under her tank top and began to trace delicate patterns on the skin of her back, while she did the same on his chest.

"You were stunning in that dress that night, Swan. Bloody hot, pure temptation," he purred, his velvety voice sending liquid heat directly to her core. "And then you had the audacity to wear it again to dinner at that restaurant. It was torture."

"Maybe I did it on purpose," she admitted, causing him to utter a guttural sound as his hand slid dangerously toward her lower back until he reached his target, giving her a light squeeze on her ass and pushing her further against him.

T wo could play this game , she thought as her fingers began to trace a path following the line of hair on his torso, descending slowly and tortuously. "I wonder if you needed to do something about it, take the matter into your own hands. You know what I mean." Her hand ended its descending path while she emitted the last words, palming his length over his pants with a clear purpose.

"Bloody hell, woman." He flinched at her touch as he let out a heavy breath. Far from being intimidated, she continued her exploration, internally thanking him for wearing pajama pants, allowing her better access. She did not hesitate to slide her hand under his clothes and then she wrapped her fingers around his length, exerting a tentative movement at first, but gaining security with the soft sounds that came from him. "Emma, love, we shouldn't... someone can appear at any time."

"Let me give you at least this, please."

"We're definitely claiming the other bed tomorrow," he growled before searching for her lips and starting to kiss her thoroughly. Emma took that as an invitation so she continued with her movements, the mere sensation of him pulsing and powerful under her touch sending electric shocks of pleasure up her spine and down to her toes. It was a beginning, something promising and exciting, a glimpse of what was to come.

Maybe the road to get here had been long, but looking back, she wouldn't change anything they had experienced in recent years. Especially when the path they took meant they would end up in this situation, finally giving rein to their passions in an idyllic place with her favorite person by her side.

"Emma," Killian pronounced her name with a mixture of devotion and plea.

"Yes?"

"Don't stop, please."

"Never," she muttered against his lips.

And we can build this thing together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now

 Killian was definitely right when he used the lyrics of a song to describe their relationship.

//

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think :)

We're reaching the end, just one more chapter to go, plus the epilogue. It's time to celebrate the new year, and as long as they're together nothing else matters.

[elceeu2morrow]

JEFFREY DAVIES  17 HOURS AGO 

Former members of boy bands and girl groups often have trouble shedding their band’s image when they embark on a solo career. Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams never quite got out of the shadow of Destiny’s Child. Joe Jonas never took off solo without his brothers. Unlike Harry Styles and Niall Horan—arguably the most successful ex-members of One Direction—Louis Tomlinson took a bit longer than his ex-bandmates to succeed on his own. His debut album Walls has been several years in the making, but it’s definitely worth the wait.

Tomlinson had been laying the groundwork for his first solo album since the 2016 release of the EDM single “Just Hold On” with Steve Aoki. After another collaboration with Bebe Rexha and Digital Farm Animals as well as a solo single the following year, Tomlinson sat it out for nearly two years, until “Two of Us” and “Kill My Mind”—the first two singles from Walls—arrived in 2019. These were a noticeable difference from his earlier solo singles, which had been mostly electropop-focused. “My expectations and aspirations are all shaped around my experiences,” he shared on social media last year. “As much as I try to stay realistic I couldn’t help but crave a ‘hit’ single. It’s because of this that I’ve spent so long on this album, trying to fit into Top 40 radio when in fact maybe I should start with what I love and work from there.”

In One Direction, Tomlinson was known for being a witty personality and for co-writing many of the group’s best songs, so it feels only natural that it would have taken him longer to grow past his boyband self. Some personal upheavals also made that even harder; in 2016, his mother passed away from cancer, with “Two of Us” a tribute. Two weeks after the song dropped in 2019, the Tomlinson family was hit with another tragedy when his sister died. Reflecting on his earlier solo work in a recent interview with Rolling Stone, the singer remarked that while he loved doing EDM collaborations with Steve Aoki and Bebe Rexha, those didn’t really represent him as an artist. “It took me a second to get here,” he said. “A lot of people, when they’re first starting out, they develop in the background, trying different things. But obviously, I had to do that a little bit more publicly. That’s definitely been challenging at times. So I’m relieved to have an album that I’m really proud of.”

Walls, which combines elements of indie rock, soft rock, indie pop and more, is an introspective look at growing up and finding yourself—and your voice. While his former bandmates were blessed with quick hits and mainstream attention, Tomlinson has more than benefitted from hanging back, taking his time and finding himself. “I took some time ‘cause I’ve ran out of energy /Of playing somebody I heard I’m supposed to be /But honestly, I don’t have to choose anymore,” he sings on “Habit,” emphasizing that it’s not always easy to progress from teenage superstar in an era-defining boy band to a young adult solo artist without some bumps in the road.

On the love song “Too Young,” the singer could also be indirectly addressing the difficulty of letting go of the past—that is, One Direction: “I’ve been looking back a lot lately /Me and you is all I’ve ever known /It’s hard to think you could ever hate me /But everything’s feeling different now.” And on “Don’t Let It Break Your Heart,” he reminds us all that being a person can be a nightmare, and that’s okay. “You can’t do it by yourself /Oh, whatever tears you apart /Don’t let it break your heart.”

While Tomlinson has a history of glossy pop hits with One Direction, he’s addressing some more mature subjects on Walls, such as anxiety, mortality, and self-integrity, which also sets the album apart from the solo work of other ex-1D members. Yet such ideas aren’t always taken seriously in a pop music world that prioritizes groundbreaking sounds and more provocative themes. Even with the album’s stellar production, Tomlinson stands out by stressing the importance of taking your time, honoring yourself and your self-worth, feeling your feelings and finding your footing as you go. After all, we have to wobble before we stand.

[not-majestic-bluenicorn]

Crescent || Chapter 3

Fandom(s): ATEEZ

AU: Treasure Hunters

Genre: Action, Fantasy, Sci-Fi

Relationship: Everyone x Everyone, Established Hongjoong x Yunho

Language: English

Status: Ongoing

Chapter WC: 5,254 words

Warnings: Character Death, Stabbing, Fighting, Blood, Aliens, War, Funerals, Kidnapping, Attempted Kidnapping, Mentions of Child Abuse / Child Work, Explosions, Murder Attempt, more will be added.

Chapter Warnings: None apply

Summary:

Wooyoung sat up immediately as he wiped at his eyes, trying to push down the tears and regain his breathing, but he had never felt anything like this before. The sun was barely rising yet but he couldn't focus on that. He felt happiness, pain, and unbearable yearning.

AO3

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Tagged: @angel0taiyo​

At first, there was nothing but darkness, but he felt conscious, so he knew it was a dream. Then, the darkness was filled with countless celestial bodies around him, tiny and bright and very far away. Like that, Wooyoung was floating in the middle of space. It was beautiful, like nothing he had ever seen or imagined since he had never left his home planet, Oniris.

The Somnum almost never left Oniris. Their clairvoyance abilities made them highly sought after, which is why they didn't belong to any known empire and they didn't accept strangers on their planet. They didn't need to travel to know, however, since they could see and know everything through their dreams. Wooyoung knew, even without being a highly experienced Interpreter, that this was one of those dreams.

As he turned around, he spotted a beautiful vessel coming towards him. It was dark in color, but the white sails created a contrast that reminded Wooyoung of a moon reflecting the light of a star in the night. He floated towards it, looking around, and on its side he saw a blurred name and a detailed drawing of a crescent moon. He couldn't make out the name, so he guessed he wasn't supposed to know that just yet, but at least he had a clue.

When he landed on deck, a few voices caught his attention and he turned, looking for them. He found seven other men standing on deck, talking to each other. Wooyoung's heart started beating faster as he approached them, a sudden adrenaline filling his body. He stopped once he got close enough, eyes fixed on two of them. He had seen them before, in a previous dream, and knew their names: Hongjoong and Yunho.

In the previous dream, Hongjoong's brother had died and Yunho had had to stop him from attacking the people around them. It was bizarre to see him now so calm, smiling among these other men whom he knew nothing about. They all looked so happy, and without warning, Wooyoung's heart found itself yearning to be with them, to be part of that happiness.

The feeling left him breathless. He had had many dreams before, but nothing like this one, never a true vision. He realized that this was his awakening as a Somnum. His people believed in destiny, and at some point everyone got a prophetic dream that set them off into fulfilling it. Wooyoung knew this was his. His eyes filled up with tears as he struggled to regain the control over his emotions, but it was so overwhelming.

For a moment, he thought they were looking at him, but then it became too much and he woke up. Wooyoung sat up immediately as he wiped at his eyes, trying to push down the tears and regain his breathing, but he had never felt anything like this before. The sun was barely rising yet but he couldn't focus on that. He felt happiness, pain, and unbearable yearning. 

With difficulty, he managed to calm down little by little until his breathing had returned to normal. It was still too early to do anything, but he decided that as soon as his parents had woken up, he would ask them to take him to see the local Interpreter. Seeing Hongjoong and Yunho again in this dream, and what he had felt during it were no coincidence. It was time for him to start his own journey.

--

Hongjoong and Yunho were sitting at a table in the inn they were staying at. They were reviewing the job applications they had gotten from potential crew members, which were quite a few. So far, they had already decided on five of them, so they were missing five more. As they were reading the applications, one in particular stood out to Hongjoon and he put the rest of them down to read it. 

The lad's name was Lee San. He had been part of the expedition team on his home planet, however the government had dissolved it to fund other things and he had ended up unemployed. It said he had been part of an archaeological research institute, but he had quit because he wanted something that would allow him to travel around the universe instead. 

"I like this one," Hongjoong passed it to Yunho. "He could help us deciphering the map."

"And I like these two, give them a look." Yunho passed him two more applications and Hongjoong read them.

The first one was a man Yunho's age named Mingi. He came from the mining planet Merth X-24, and was an expert managing all sorts of chemicals and explosives, which could come useful when retrieving the treasure. The writing was neat and pretty, which somehow contrasted with the image of a miner, but it was nice. Merth X-24 was one of the planets in the Kim Empire, and while there was the risk of being recognized, Hongjoong thought it would be okay.

The second application was from a man named Jongho, a couple of years younger than him. He had worked in ship assembling and maintenance, which would make him a valuable crew member. Hongjoong didn't even need to read the rest of his application to consider him in. He put both applications on the accepted pile, and soon enough Yunho did the same with San's application.

They finished choosing the crew members within the following hour and asked Siyeon to message them their acceptance and cite them there next morning to begin their journey. After that, they went to the shipyard in charge of their ship, as they had received confirmation that it was ready. When they got there, Hongjoong's heart sped up in anticipation. This was going to be his very own ship, designed to his image and taste, built only for him.

Of course, he had a royal ship, but even that one didn't feel his. It was too flashy, too alien. This ship wouldn't wear the royal symbol nor would it be designed by others. Hongjoong had taken part of every step of the design process to make sure this ship would be only his, a safe space. He could bet that Taejoong was proud of him.

Yunho softly squeezed his hand to center him when he noticed Hongjoong was starting to get anxious. Hongjoong smiled at him, grateful, and soon the Master Shipwright guided them towards their ship. It was simply gorgeous. The wood was dark and smooth, the sails were white and almost looked like dragon wings when fully extended. 

They walked around it as the Master Shipwright explained the process they had followed and how they had incorporated all the details Hongjoong had asked for. And then they stopped next to where the name was painted on in beautiful silver letters. Crescent. That was what Hongjoong had chosen to name it. The C was a crescent moon painted with intricate designs in it. It was beautiful.

"Why Crescent?" Yunho asked him once the shipwright was gone.

"Because the waning crescent symbolizes growth and action, and the waxing crescent symbolizes achievement and completion." Hongjoong smiled, admiring the artwork. "I want this mission to be a success, to give us a new start." Yunho smiled and passed the left arm around Hongjoong's shoulders, pressing his lips softly to his temple.

"I like it," he affirmed. "I have no doubts we'll be able to succeed, wherever this mission takes us."

--

When morning came and Wooyoung woke his parents with the news, they hugged him tightly and congratulated him. They both cried, making Wooyoung break into tears again, but it felt comforting. His mother treated him to a plentiful breakfast and his other parent reserved a meeting with their local Interpreter for him. 

He told them about the dream as they ate breakfast, and it was obvious by his parents' faces that they had caught onto the fact that he would probably have to leave them. They were a bit sad, of course, but the excitement of their son finding his destiny overpowered it. Wooyoung knew the news would spread fast, and that following his visit to the Interpreter, there would probably be a lot of people waiting for him to tell them.

It made him feel a little nervous. Of course, he had gone along with his parents to visit other households and leave a little gift for the Somnum that would be leaving to fulfill their destiny. But it was an entirely different thing to be the object of that attention. The idea of people paying so much attention to him like that made him more nervous than leaving his parents. Still, he would be nothing but grateful as he sorted out the gifts on the few days he would probably get before leaving.

After breakfast, he helped his parent wash the dishes and then went to get changed, trying to dress himself with his best attire as his parents prepared the offering for the Interpreter. Wooyoung groaned as he put his shirt inside out on the first try and hurried to fix it. Soon enough, he was downstairs, tying his shoes and meeting with his parents outside of the house.

Rather than super populated cities, the Somnum lived in small yet technologically advanced villages that satisfied all of their needs. The planet wasn't particularly big, but the Somnum weren't quite fertile either, and thanks to their good government, they had an almost perfect resource distribution. Wooyoung had never lacked anything. 

Because of their nature, the government always made sure they had everything necessary to fulfill their destiny. Even the farms his parents owned, since it was part of their destiny, the government had provided. Now they were one of the biggest food providers in Oniris and also one of the main sources of food products for commercial trade. Wooyoung had always thought his destiny would be to inherit the farm, but here he was instead, dreaming of ships and voyages.

As they walked into the Interpreter’s house, they were received by an assistant who took their offer and shortly after guided Wooyoung into a different room. There was a low table and some cushions, with a teapot and a couple of cups. Every window in the room had been covered by thick velvety curtains, and the room was illuminated by a small chandelier that hung from the ceiling.

Not long after Wooyoung had sat down, the Interpreter came in. They were tall and thin, with skin frail from their age; however, their eyes were alive with wisdom and knowledge. Wooyoung wondered for a moment how many visions the Interpreter had had since they’d been able to remember. Visions could be very exhausting because of the emotional toll they took on the person, so learning to handle it was a major part in an Interpreter’s training. He couldn’t help but feel curious about what it was like to hold such an important role.

“Jung Wooyoung?” The Interpreter asked, breaking the silence.

"Yes, that would be me." Wooyoung nodded, rubbing his hands together trying to warm them up.

"Please sit down, don't be afraid." The Interpreter smiled at him and Wooyoung nodded, sitting opposite to them at the table.

Despite being on the floor, the cushion was so soft he didn't feel uncomfortable. From up close, he could easily smell the hot lavender tea in the teapot, and he felt himself inhaling deeper as it helped him calm down. The Interpreter poured him a cup before pouring one for themselves and pushing it towards Wooyoung. He took it, but didn't drink it immediately.

"This is a syndesia and lavender infusion," the Interpreter explained. "The syndesia plant will make it easier for me to access your mind and see the vision, that way I'll be able to give you more insight. You could think of it as establishing a temporary connection."

"Does it feel... weird?" Wooyoung asked, looking at the liquid with apprehension. The Interpreter chuckled.

"A little bit, but it's not painful, I promise." The Interpreter assured him. "Now, if you will, drink the tea and lie down, try to relax."

Wooyoung did as instructed and drank the tea in silence. The Interpreter also drank their cup in front of him, occasionally humming to themselves as they did. The more he drank, the more relaxed Wooyoung felt, until he found himself struggling to keep his eyes open. At that moment, the Interpreter helped him lie down with his head on the cushion, and before long, Wooyoung was in a deep trance.

It did feel really weird. At first, he started recalling his vision just like he had seen it the night before. But when he found the Interpreter inside and tried to follow them, his vision became just a muddy shade of black and he couldn't see anything anymore. It felt like he was still there, and he could certainly sense the presence of the Interpreter, but he couldn't see anything anymore.

After a few minutes that felt like hours, Wooyoung was able to wake up as the Interpreter helped him sit down and offered him a glass of water. Wooyoung felt disoriented and a bit confused. Nothing had changed so he couldn't have slept for more than a few minutes, but it felt like he had been gone for hours, lost in the nothingness.

"Drink the water, it will help you get rid of the effects of the syndesia." The Interpreter instructed as they themselves drank a cup of water.

"Did it go well?" Wooyoung asked after downing half of the glass. His throat felt parched and he really was starting to think he had been out for more than a few minutes.

"You have a great journey ahead of you," they smiled against the rim of the cup. "I'd say you have a lot to deal with, the seven handsome men you saw in your dream are destined to be your lovers." Wooyoung choked on his drink and he desperately coughed, trying to breathe normally. The Interpreter smiled.

"My apologies, but what do you mean?" Wooyoung stammered. His whole face was red and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.

"They aren't all together yet, but they will be." They continued to explain. "They're on a mission to find the Treasure of the Seven Galaxies, but they will face many unexpected difficulties. As for you, well..." the Interpreter put down their cup. "You'll get there when they most need you. I suppose the relationship is a bonus."

"But how will I find them? I don't even know their names..." Wooyoung mumbled.

"Worry not, did you think I would send you away without any clues?" The Interpreter smiled as they stood up.

They left the room through a small door in the back wall that Wooyoung hadn't even noticed before, nervous as he had been, and returned shortly after. After they sat down again, they offered Wooyoung a necklace. It was a light purple stone circle wrapped by silver branches that hung from a silver chain.

"It's amethyst infused with syndesia," they explained. "Those studying to become Interpreters wear them when they are just starting, it will help you amplify the visions and obtain information from them."

"But... I am not an apprentice." Wooyoung looked at the necklace, hesitating.

"No, but your journey will take you far away and you won't be able to rely on us the Interpreters to help you," they smiled kindly. "Take it, maybe when you're done with your mission you could look into becoming an Interpreter, but for now, that necklace is yours."

"Thank you," Wooyoung nodded. He unclasped it and put it on, admiring the pendant as it rested on his chest.

"You should go now, your mission requires you to leave as soon as possible." The Interpreter stood up and urged Wooyoung to do so too. "Try going to Sonne U-28 first, you might find some clues."

"Wait, what?" Wooyoung turned to them in panic.

"If you don't leave now, you won't be in the right places at the right time, it's time you start your journey." The Interpreter smiled. "Don't be afraid Jung Wooyoung, all the answers are already within you, just trust yourself."

Wooyoung looked at their eyes, expecting to find mockery or deception, but of course there wasn't anything like that. So he took a deep breath and nodded. He thanked the Interpreter for their services and then left to find his parents, who were waiting for him outside. They wasted no time asking him what had happened and how the meeting had gone. He was in a hurry though, so he promised he would tell them on their way home.

And so he did. As they walked home, he explained to them what had happened and everything the Interpreter had told him. His mother stopped him to hug him tightly once Wooyoung revealed he had to leave as soon as possible. Like him, they had hoped they would at least get a few days to spend together before having to say their goodbyes, and it hurt that it would have to be so sudden.

When they got home, there were already families from the village waiting for them, carrying gifts to aid Wooyoung in his journey. His parents welcomed them all into the house and their neighbors asked what had happened during his meeting. Wooyoung's face was red with embarrassment and nervousness as he tried to explain it all to them again; the attention felt so uncomfortable and awkward.

Eventually, his parent intervened and told Wooyoung to go prepare for leaving. He didn't need to be asked twice as he hurried to his room and locked himself in, regaining his breath. He could still heat the rest of the village talking downstairs, but at least his room felt like a safe space... Except, the sole thought that he needed to leave already weighed him down. He had never expected he would have to leave his home so suddenly.

He was afraid. He could still remember as a child, the fear he had felt of never seeing his family again, of losing them forever. The Universe wasn’t usually a kind place to those of his kind, and he was afraid of what could happen to him without the protection of his people. Everyone knew about the stories of those who never came back. What if he didn’t get to come back either?

Wooyoung's heart grew heavy with each new thought as he picked a suitcase and began filling it with clothes and personal care items. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even realize what he was packing until his mother knocked on his door and brought him out of his daze. She walked in and gently guided his hands away from the suitcase, arranging the items herself.

"You're going to be okay." She said after a little while, hands still busy fixing his suitcase.

“Mom,” Wooyoung looked up, eyes bright. “What do you mean?”

“I know you’re probably afraid,” she smiled, “but not all the people outside of Oniris are bad, you’re going to be okay.”

"I'm going to miss you, both of you." Wooyoung said as he teared up.

"And we're going to miss you too, but we'll be rooting for you." She smiled, putting the clothes aside and cupping Wooyoung's face. "Maybe when you're done with your mission you can come back and introduce use to your seven handsome boyfriends."

"Mom!" Wooyoung complained, face burning red. "Don't say that, it's so embarrassing." She chuckled.

"Honestly your parent was acting all jealous about it, so I'm sure spending some time away from you might help them come to terms with the fact." She smiled, complicit, before she went back to helping with his luggage.

"Are you going to be okay?" Wooyoung asked, pouting slightly as she handed her a few more items.

"Us? Baby you should be worrying about yourself!" She laughed. "We're just simple farmers, you're the one going on a mission to find some sort of mythical treasure! We're not at danger here."

"Still..." Wooyoung's pout grew as he hugged his mother's back. "At least pretend you're gonna struggle without me here!"

"We're going to live like newlyweds all over again." She teased him. "Maybe even go on a honeymoon again."

"I am so underappreciated in this household." Wooyoung huffed as he moved to help his mother close the suitcase. His heart felt lighter.

"I'm kidding, of course we'll struggle without you, but that doesn't matter." Once the suitcase was closed, she turned around to face him. "We love you so much, but it is time you focus on yourself, we will always wait for you." She opened her arms and Wooyoung hugged her, knowing he wouldn't be able to in a long time.

--

"Captain, all of the crew members have arrived." 

Hongjoong turned around to face Yunho as he finished buttoning his shirt. Both smiled at each other as Hongjoong followed his now First Mate to the deck, where every member of the crew was waiting for him. They had moved the ship to port the previous day after the last few details had been settled and they had loaded the supplies into the ship.

Of course, Hongjoong knew half of the crew members since they were all his soldiers, but he pretended to know them just as little as anyone else. If he wanted his identity to be kept secret, he would need to act his part. From now on, he was only Captain Yoo Hongjoong, treasure hunter. He was no longer the third prince of the Kim Empire, and he wouldn't be until he returned home with the treasure.

"Welcome, everyone!" He exclaimed, raising his arms. All at once, a surge of adrenaline filled him. This was his ship and the crew he had chosen, it was almost a dream come true. "From today onward, I am your Captain, Yoo Hongjoong. Under my command, we will achieve the impossible! The treasures and legends that no one has dared to follow or has managed to find will be all ours!" 

Everyone cheered, breaking into applause and cheers. Hongjoong smiled. He felt almost invincible, like nothing could stop him from fulfilling his mission and making the culprits pay for the death of his brother. He was doing the right thing, he could feel it inside him. Hongjoong looked at Yunho for a second and the taller man was smiling at him. Clearly, Hongjoong's excitement was contagious.

"We're leaving in under an hour, settle in and get ready to set sail!" Hongjoong ordered.

"Yes sir!" The crew replied in unison and began moving as Hongjoong turned around to leave.

One tall man stood in the middle of the deck with his small suitcase, clearly looking a little lost. Mingi had never been in a ship like this one, so he wasn't entirely sure where he was supposed to go to leave his stuff. He was also a bit too nervous and scared to ask. Their captain had looked so cool as he motivated them, and everyone had replied enthusiastically, so Mingi had allowed that energy to stick onto him. But now he didn't know what to do.

"First time on a ship?" A shorter man asked him, smiling at him genuinely.

"On one like this one, at least." Mingi nodded, ears tinted red. The man offered his hand and Mingi was quick to accept it.

"My name is Jongho, Choi Jongho." He introduced himself. Jongho seemed confident in what he was doing, and it calmed Mingi down slightly.

"Song Mingi."

"Come with me Mingi, I'll take you to the quarters." Jongho began walking and Mingi quickly followed him.

He was so earnest and hurried that he didn't even notice the crew member standing next to him, and when he moved to follow Jongho, Mingi ended up accidentally bumping into him. He turned around and quickly began apologizing, not even looking the man in the face. It truly didn't feel like it was his day at that moment, and he was getting increasingly nervous.

"It's okay." The man replied. His tone was so flat that Mingi thought he had made him angry.

"I'm really sorry." Mingi apologized again. Jongho patted his arm when he noticed how nervous Mingi was, and he looked back with a grateful smile.

"It's really okay, don't worry." The man repeated. His voice and eyes were so cold it was almost scary, and it left both Mingi and Jongho speechless. "I already heard you from before so there's no need to introduce yourselves; my name is Lee San, I hope we can work along well." San introduced himself before turning around and leaving.

"That's what you call a scary presence..." Jongho muttered. "Come on Mingi, let's go, we need to get working." 

Without thinking it twice, Jongho grabbed Mingi's wrist and pulled him along, since the taller still seemed frozen from the scary meeting with San. Mingi let Jongho guide him to the quarters in silence, just hoping he wouldn't get in more trouble that day.

--

The next morning, Wooyoung and his parents woke up very early to eat breakfast and send him off. His parents talked plenty during breakfast, like they would usually do, but Wooyoung remained silent and they didn't press him about it. It was obvious he was still nervous and hesitant, he needed some space. When they were done eating, Wooyoung washed the dishes while his parent helped bring all of his luggage down.

His mother had ended up helping him pack to maximize the usefulness of his suitcase. Plus he had packed an extra backpack with all the essentials he might need so that he wouldn't need to open the suitcase every single time. After the visitors had left, they had sat together to buy his ticket to Sonne U-28, making it official that he was leaving. Despite the fact that the Somnum almost never traveled outside of Oniris and that they didn't allow visitors except under specific conditions, it had been easy to get a ticket.

The trip would take a few days, but at least the Interpreter had given him a lead to begin with, since they weren't allowed to intervene with the destiny of other Somnum. Wooyoung had thought of using the necklace the previous night to obtain more information as well, but in the end he had been too nervous to do so. He would get to Sonne U-28 first and figure it out from there.

"Are you ready?" His mother asked once there was nothing left for him to do. Wooyoung nodded.

"As ready as I can be, which to be fair isn't much," he chuckled. "I'll be okay though."

"Of course you will, you're our son." His parent affirmed, patting his back. "Let's go."

They had already called a taxi, and with their help, Wooyoung loaded his suitcase on the trunk and they rode to the port. Almost every ship there was for commerce, and Wooyoung observed with curiosity as they loaded the shipments into the enormous vessels, preparing them for their long trips to other planets. His parents asked the taxi driver to wait as they helped Wooyoung unload his luggage and bid farewell.

"We're not forgetting anything right? We can hurry and go back to pick it up." His parent said, checking their watch.

"I don't think that would work out well honey." His mom chuckled, pushing his arm down. "Stop being so nervous, you're gonna make Woo nervous."

"Right, sorry." They smiled and pulled both Wooyoung and their wife into a tight hug. "I'm going to miss this, I'm going to miss you."

"I'll be back before you notice it." Wooyoung assured them.

"And with seven boyfriends no less!" His mother added. His parent's expression immediately darkened and they huffed.

"Don't even mention it, I cannot believe-!"

"Okay then, I'm gonna get going." Wooyoung squeezed his parents with his arms before disentangling himself and grabbing his luggage. "I love you!"

Wooyoung walked away after quickly pecking both their cheeks and repeating how much he loved both of them. He looked back a few times as he walked, each time spotting his parents standing outside the taxi and watching him leave. Tears welled up in his eyes for a moment but he pushed them back and moved forward.

The ship he was going to board was built like some sort of small cruise. It was an impeccable pearl white color and on the side the name was painted with black letters. It was named The Oneironaut, certainly a fitting name. After showing his pass, a crew member took his luggage and guided him to what was going to be his room for the next few days while they traveled to Sonne U-28.

He opted to settle in while the rest of the passengers finished boarding and the crew made the last checkups to the ship. Taking everything out of his suitcase would make it too complicated, so he opted to just leave it open in one corner of his room. He did take everything out of his other backpack though, since those were the things he would be using the most, and placed everything carefully in the bathroom and the drawer unit in front of his bed.

When the ship honked to signal their departure, Wooyoung hurried out of his room and to the main deck. He wanted to see how it looked to leave a planet and enter actual space. He looked around to see if his parents were still there, but he couldn't spot them among the ruckus at port, and that was when he realized he was truly going to do this by himself. At least until he could find the others. 

Finally, the ship sailed, and he watched little by little how the port, and then his village, became smaller under his earnest gaze. Faster than he would have expected, they had exited the atmosphere and now he was out in space, by himself, ignorant of where destiny was planning to take him.

--

Hongjoong's gaze was fixed on his compass but his mind was far away. He kept thinking back to the death of his brother but he couldn't actually remember it all that well. He remembered the messenger telling him about it, but after that it's all a blurry mess of incomplete memories. Through it all, however, the image of his brother, lifeless but still bleeding out, was etched perfectly in his memory.

A soft hand rested on his right cheek and he blinked twice, remembering where he was. He snapped the compass shut and looked up at Yunho, who was now cradling Hongjoong's face with both hands and looking at him with adoration. Hongjoong blushed at the intimacy of the look and Yunho chuckled, pecking him softly before letting him go.

"Don't go on a journey without us Captain." Yunho said, grabbing his hand. "It's time Hongjoong, we have to go."

Hongjoong nodded and followed Yunho to the door of his quarters. He paused for a brief moment just to squeeze Yunho's hand before letting go of it and going out. The crew paused what they were doing to look at him. The emotions were palpable: excitement and nervousness mingled to create a timed bomb just waiting to explode. He made his way to the quarterdeck and placed his hand on the wheel.

"Weigh anchor and raise sails! Our journey begins now!"

[dailytomlinson]

Walls is an introspective look at growing up and finding yourself—and your voice. Former members of boy bands and girl groups often have trouble shedding their band’s image when they embark on a solo career. Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams never quite got out of the shadow of Destiny’s Child. Joe Jonas never took off solo without his brothers. Unlike Harry Styles and Niall Horan—arguably the most successful ex-members of One Direction—Louis Tomlinson took a bit longer than his ex-bandmates to succeed on his own. His debut album Walls has been several years in the making, but it’s definitely worth the wait. Tomlinson had been laying the groundwork for his first solo album since the 2016 release of the EDM single “Just Hold On” with Steve Aoki. After another collaboration with Bebe Rexha and Digital Farm Animals as well as a solo single the following year, Tomlinson sat it out for nearly two years, until “Two of Us” and “Kill My Mind”—the first two singles from Walls—arrived in 2019. These were a noticeable difference from his earlier solo singles, which had been mostly electropop=focused. “My expectations and aspirations are all shaped around my experiences,” he shared on social media last year. “As much as I try to stay realistic I couldn’t help but crave a ‘hit’ single. It’s because of this that I’ve spent so long on this album, trying to fit into Top 40 radio when in fact maybe I should start with what I love and work from there.” In One Direction, Tomlinson was known for being a witty personality and for co-writing many of the group’s best songs, so it feels only natural that it would have taken him longer to grow past his boyband self. Some personal upheavals also made that even harder; in 2016, his mother passed away from cancer, with “Two of Us” a tribute. Two weeks after the song dropped in 2019, the Tomlinson family was hit with another tragedy when his sister died. Reflecting on his earlier solo work in a recent interview with Rolling Stone, the singer remarked that while he loved doing EDM collaborations with Steve Aoki and Bebe Rexha, those didn’t really represent him as an artist. “It took me a second to get here,” he said. “A lot of people, when they’re first starting out, they develop in the background, trying different things. But obviously, I had to do that a little bit more publicly. That’s definitely been challenging at times. So I’m relieved to have an album that I’m really proud of.” Walls, which combines elements of indie rock, soft rock, indie pop and more, is an introspective look at growing up and finding yourself—and your voice. While his former bandmates were blessed with quick hits and mainstream attention, Tomlinson has more than benefitted from hanging back, taking his time and finding himself. “I took some time ‘cause I’ve ran out of energy /Of playing somebody I heard I’m supposed to be /But honestly, I don’t have to choose anymore,” he sings on “Habit,” emphasizing that it’s not always easy to progress from teenage superstar in an era-defining boy band to a young adult solo artist without some bumps in the road. On the love song “Too Young,” the singer could also be indirectly addressing the difficulty of letting go of the past—that is, One Direction: “I’ve been looking back a lot lately /Me and you is all I’ve ever known /It’s hard to think you could ever hate me /But everything’s feeling different now.” And on “Don’t Let It Break Your Heart,” he reminds us all that being a person can be a nightmare, and that’s okay. “You can’t do it by yourself /Oh, whatever tears you apart /Don’t let it break your heart.” While Tomlinson has a history of glossy pop hits with One Direction, he’s addressing some more mature subjects on Walls, such as anxiety, mortality, and self-integrity, which also sets the album apart from the solo work of other ex-1D members. Yet such ideas aren’t always taken seriously in a pop music world that prioritizes groundbreaking sounds and more provocative themes. Even with the album’s stellar production, Tomlinson stands out by stressing the importance of taking your time, honoring yourself and your self-worth, feeling your feelings and finding your footing as you go. After all, we have to wobble before we stand.

[fy-2pm]

Into a New Field by Filming a Hollywood Movie Nichkhun Chose Friendship Over Love

[Picture Caption: The Nichkhun wearing branded clothing and accessories. He became a mature guy with warmth. He said with a smile that he doesn’t have the change to get some tanning under the sun and so, his skin doesn’t have the tan.]

Putting down his image as the boy with warmth, creative director Alvin Goh has created an image for Nichkhun. With Nichkhun being dressed with branded clothing and accessories, he became a mature guy with warmth. With this set of clothing, Nichkhun said with a smile that there is a sense of wealth and glamour. He said, “Usually, I will wear comfortable clothes for exercising which is more younger style.”

[Picture Caption: After the quarantine, the shooting started for “Hong Kong Love Story.” Born in rich families, Byron and Nichkhun are good friends. They fell in love for the same girl, which is putting their friendship to the test. At the end, who will win the girl?]

2PM Members are Family

This time Nichkhun came to Hong Kong for filming the Hollywood movie, “Hong Kong Love Story.” The casts also include American-Chinese actor Byron Mann, Polish actress Dominka Kachlik and Keneth Tsang. In the movie, good friends Nichkhun and Byron, both coming from rich families, came to Hong Kong in search for love. They met polish-model Dominika Kachlik and started going after her. It’s also because of her, their friendship are being put to the test. It’s a fun and romantic comedy. So, who will win the girl at the end, we sill don’t know yet.

However, if this happens in real life for Nichkhun, will he choose to get into a fair blatter or he will give up on the girl? After some thinking, Nichkhun said, “This is a good question. I think I will cherish friendship more because I just met the girl. Under this situation, friendship is more important. However, let’s wait and see! It also depends who can fight a better battle and who is stronger.” After what he said, he gave a big laugh. He also added, “Friendship can last longer. Love and romance can be very, very unstable. But for friendship, you won’t be putting in a lot of expectations for each other. You are just looking for someone who you can talk to and be loyal to each other. Friendship is much more stable than love. Also, I think in life, you need friendship more.”

[Picture caption: Alvin Goh putting on makeup for Nichkhun. He has high standards for hairstyling.]

To be able to find friendship that’s more important than love, Nichkhun expressed he has already found this friendship. He has many friends with over 15 years of friendship, especially his 2PM members. They are the best of friends just like his family. Doesn’t matter what difficulties they come across in life, they can talk all about it. He said, “Besides my real family, they the most trusted people. I feel so grateful and lucky that I am able to have such friendship in life.”

Talking about hist first acting in a Hollywood movie, Nichkhun expressed his excitement and nervousness. This is because it is a new field to him. Also, this is the first time he is acting in English. He hopes his acting is suitable for a Hollywood movie. Also, hoping everything will go smooth sailing and everyone ill like the movie.

[Picture caption: Under the pandemic, Nichkhun has stayed quiet this year with fewer activities. Next year, his movie “Cracked” is scheduled to be released on summer. As the genre of this movie is completely different to his previous work, he really likes this movie and is looking forward to the movie release.]

On the Street with the Thought of the World Coming to an End

With the Coronavirus going around the world, Nichkhun was only going out for the gym and occasionally dinning out. All outings were avoided as much as possible. Also, as he needs to film the movie in Hong Kong, he needs to maintain his health. He was very careful when he went out.

Frankly speaking, Nichkhun said the first thought of being locked up in a hotel for 14 days in Hong Kong was hard to take in. However, it didn’t turn out as bad as he thought. He said, “It was very relaxing. I got time to slow down and thought about my life. In the 14 days, I do not need to worry about what I have to do the next day. What time do I need to get up? What time do I need to go to bed? My only concern is what to eat for lunch or dinner? Everyday, I did my exercise. I read the scripts. I played some games. I talked to my friends and family on the phone. I quiet enjoyed it.”

After the quarantine, Nichkhun went for a wander on the streets. He saw everyone wearing a mask and felt a bit sad about it. He said, “In the movies when the world comes to an end, everyone is wearing a mask for bullet proof vests to protect themselves. I really hope this pandemic will come to an end soon so that we can see each other’s faces again. Also, when talk, we don’t need to say ‘what?’ I can’t hear you. Can you say that again?’ Now, I just want everyone to be safe.”

As a popular idol, Nichkhun needs to maintain his image all the time. He must be piled with work and facing a lot of stress. Talking about stress relief, he said he constantly reminds himself that as a singer, actor or celebrity, this is only a job. This is not everything in life. Outside the camera, he is just an ordinary person. He said, “I can feel the stress. However, outside work, I will try not to think about it. Don’t bring work back home. As a celebrity, there are no weekends or holidays. Need to maintain an image and be careful with what you say. I am trying to be an ordinary person and someone who is well liked. This is how I manage stress. I always do exercises and play golf or badminton. I watch Netflix and listen to music. I believe food is the best for healing. Good friends and good food will temporary wipe away all the troubles.”

[Picture caption: Makeup artist, Alving Goh is the creative director and image designer for this shoot. Nichkhun who became the guy with warmth is expressing his satisfaction for his new image.]

Childhood Dream of Becoming a Photographer

On the stage he was singing and dancing. In front of the camera, he was acting. You won’t believe that the Nichkhun in his childhood was afraid to make a speech in front of the class. He said with a smile, “When I was young, I thought of becoming a photographer or doing something related to art. However, I never thought of singing and dancing in front of people.

I never thought about it. I was so nervous and shy. I couldn’t even do a classroom speech. However, this is the fun in life. When I stand and sing on the stage, I can see the satisfaction and happiness on the fans’ faces. This motivates me to do better and work harder.”

As he knows fans are waiting for him and 2PM to comeback on the stage again, when are the new activities? Nichkhun expressed, they are still waiting for one more member to finish his army duty. He thinks there will be a new album in summer next year. He said, “I know the fans we asking, ‘Did you guys disband?’ or ‘Are you guys still together?’ We are just temporary unable to be together. We will definitely prepare a new album. Since we have this pandemic, besides Hong Kong, I didn’t go to any country. The fans miss me. I also miss my fans, too. Now, I just want to say everyone please be careful and be responsible. Have the same responsibility for other people’s safety and health as well. On the day that we finally meet again, I can promise you, the wait is worth it. Now, all we can do is look after ourselves.”

Credits and translation @JLML718

[dustedmagazine]

Jonathan Shaw 2020: Another Year of Pissed-off, Bone-tired but Resilient Music

I’ll forego the exercise of noting in any sort of detail what a shitty, shitty year 2020 was. Stipulate to the point.  

But there has been some really terrific music, both new and old, to sustain us. Given the unrelenting tides of awfulness and misery, the music has been especially crucial, and I am even more grateful than usual that we have such brilliant, talented and courageous artists among us. They can channel our anger, respond to our sadness and create moments of transcendent joy — even in the teeth of all the feckless fascists, the capitalist criminals and an earth ball increasingly struggling for its breath.  

I will take a moment to repeat my customary EOY-column disclaimers: This isn’t a “best-of” list, so much as an accounting of the records that refused to leave the rotation of sides that moved through my life in 2020. As ever, there were too many records to listen to, too many more that I had committed to reviewing, daunting stacks of songs that needed my attention. But the releases listed below kept turning up when I pressed play — and I kept turning them up, louder.  

SUMAC’s May You Be Held and Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou’s May Our Chambers Be Full were the records that I played most often this year, even though they were released fairly late into 2020. Maybe there was something in the wishful invocations of the record’s titles that variously touched my moods. Through 2020, I did a lot of wishing for other and very different circumstances. So I list those two records first. The rest of the records appear in alphabetical order. I listened to all of them a lot.  

SUMAC — May You Be Held (Thrill Jockey) 

May You Be Held by SUMAC

A prayer. The record’s integration of improvisation and rigorously heavy song forms has an unusual power, both meditative and propulsive. The players are uncannily in tune with one another’s talents and vibes. They’re all talented musicians—don’t sleep on Brian Cook’s bass playing on this record. The band makes and stays in a tight pocket. You listen to their performances, and to this record from end to end, and you feel like you’ve come through something. Exhausted, thrilled and transformed.

 Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou — May Our Chambers Be Full (Sacred Bones)  

May Our Chambers Be Full by Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou

A collaborative record that issues in gloriously intense and beautifully excoriating music. Rundle’s voice in full song with Bryan Funck’s is something to hear, and the players’ musical sensibilities prove complementary in any number of interesting, aesthetically effective ways. It’s been kind of fun watching the metal blogs and press attempt to label the music: “atmospheric sludge”? “Post sludge?” What’s next? Melo-sludge? In this case, the inevitable label-wrangling seems especially irrelevant. The songs and the sound demand your attention. They’re really good. The record never neglects the heaviness of life’s gloomy difficulties, but the songs still find ways to soar.

 Decoherence — Unitary (Sentient Ruin Laboratories) 

Unitarity by Decoherence

There were a number of really good black metal records released this year (see Botanist’s and Shaidar Logoth’s recent sides for some evidence of the music’s underappreciated diversity). Unitary is clearly a black metal record, but it doesn’t sound quite like anything else. It hisses, hums and crackles with industrial atmosphere, and sometimes there’s a lot of dissonance to listen through, in order to discover the band’s powerful gifts for riffs and propulsive rhythm. And while the tones and textures are transfixing, the songs are really strong as songs. Twisting, extruding, hammering: is this the black metal of physics?

 Fuck the Facts — Pleine Noirceur (Noise Salvation)

Pleine Noirceur by Fuck The Facts

Okay, okay — so I’m cheating a bit. This record was released way late in 2020, so technically I have played some other records a bit more often. But this one is too good not to get a shout here. Fuck the Facts is classed as a grindcore band, and they can rage and sprint along with the best of them. But their music is a lot more than speed and fury. Melodic invention and emotional atmosphere are crucial components, maybe on this record especially. I’ve only played it about a hundred or so times so far. I’ll let you know.

 Mamaleek — Come & See (The Flenser) 

Come and See by Mamaleek

This record was released in late winter, but its fury and themes made it a strangely prescient soundtrack for the summer months of protest. George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Many more whose names we don’t know. The grinding misery of life in Chicago’s Cabrini-Green housing projects provides the socio-cultural focus of Come & See, and the record’s righteous indignation is in tune with the sounds of voices raised, and cops buckling on riot gear. Mamaleek is frequently tagged as a black metal band, but their questing sensibility always exceeds the genre. There’s some noise rock, some punk and even some blues in the music’s volatile mix. It’s deeply angry.

 Primitive Man — Immersion (Relapse Records) 

Immersion by Primitive Man

Less massive and noisy than their previous LP Caustic (2017), Primitive Man’s Immersion is a focused gut punch—or more properly, a deliberate battery of them, delivered with the patience and precision of a trained fighter. Primitive Man’s sludgy doom (doomy sludge?) lends fresh credence to terms too often trotted out in writing about this sort of music: “crushing,” “punishing,” “pulverizing.” Applied to this record, those words regain their relevance. And Ethan McCarthy’s vocals may be the heaviest sound in contemporary metal. Yikes.

 Raspberry Bulbs — Before the Age of Mirrors (Relapse Records) 

Before The Age Of Mirrors by Raspberry Bulbs

The phrase “blackened punk” really bugs me: blackened as opposed to what? Taupe? Raspberry Bulbs give the phrase some meaningful bite with this terrific record—the latest in a string of them from the band, which started as a solo project for Marco del Rio. He may be more familiar to some Dusted readers as “He Who Crushes Teeth,” longtime member of Bone Awl. For Raspberry Bulbs, he moves to guitar, and slashes and tears at these songs, now with a consistent full band behind him. The songs have a punky tunefulness, even as they burn with black metal’s cold fire.

 Special Interest — The Passion of (Thrilling Living)

The Passion Of by Special Interest

 I got to this one way too late. Special Interest’s first record Spiraling (2018) seemed to me overly enamored of its own casual nihilism, and all the hype accompanying the release of The Passion of put me off. Then I listened to the record (always a productive practice for the music critic…). Holy shit, it’s good. There’s still a lot of creepy sexual violence and druggy dissipation. But the songs’ socio-economic critique is incisive and never preachy, and it contextualizes the rest of the grimness and gruesomeness with sharp and a coherent politics. An excellent punk record.

 The Stooges — Live at Goose Lake, August 8th, 1970 (Third Man Records)

For listeners deeply engaged with the Stooges — a game-changing band and a total mess — it’s hard to overstate the importance of this record. It’s a recording of a Stooges live set that actually sounds great; and because the recording is so clear, you can hear Dave Alexander’s bass, a crucial piece of sonic evidence that counters the long-established story of the band’s set at Goose Lake and Alexander’s subsequent firing from the Stooges. History is revised, right there in your ears. Mostly, though, it’s a good live set by the band. Ron Asheton’s scorching guitar and, eventually, Steve Mackay’s sax stylings fire up the pyrotechnic intensity. Punk? Free jazz? Why choose?

 Sun City Girls — Live at Sky Church, September 3, 2004 (2182 Recording Company)

The Girls were always way, way out ahead. Post-everything, pranksomely funny and deadly serious, their wit existed in tremulous balance with their inexhaustible curiosity about music’s arcane power and their equally inexhaustible rage. Their 2004 set at Seattle’s Bumbershoot Festival focused largely on the rage. 2182 Recording Company’s release includes a DVD of the performance, and it’s essential. The Bishop brothers and Charles Gaucher, Jr., fill the stage with politically charged images and props: a Saddam Hussein mask, a portrait of Osama Bin Laden, copies of Mein Kampf and Brother Number One. They pour and hurl various forms of invective on and at the festival audience, and the band plays with passionate ugliness, seizing the opportunity to draw connections between art, entertainment and ideology. A vital document of a uniquely American event.  

Thanks for the tunes, y’all, and smell you later, 2020.  

Jonathan Shaw

[sebastianshaw]

@sammysdewysensitiveeyes- Fabian for “Vampire: The Masquerade” and “Werewolf: The Apocalypse”! Under a cut because SO MUCH, sorry, the World of Darkness setting as A LOT OF LORE and it’s REALLY COOL so I enjoy gushing about where my guys would fit and why!

FABIAN As a vampire, Fabian would be a Lasombra, Ventrue, or Setite, depending which game that I was playing. If it’s a Camarilla or Cam-Anarch game, Ventrue. Ventrue are one of the common Cam clans, and almost all Ventrue are Cam. High positions are most often held by Ventrue, and having a Ventrue be the Prince (Cam ruler of a city) is such a cliche that people will often remark positively if a Storyteller (the DM) chooses another clan for that seat. If it’s a Sabbat game, he’d be a Lasombra. While any clan can join the Sabbat, the Tzimisce and Lasombra are its founders, and almost exclusively found in it. You’d be hard-pressed to find any in the Cams or Anarchs, though they do exist. And if it were an Independent Alliance or Casablanca game (a game where all three sects co-exist in a city and you can be any), he’d be a Setite. The Independent Alliance (IA) was formed by the Giovanni and Setites, two formally independent clans whose members never (or seldom) joined any sect, into a sect of their own so that they could gain the political protections and benefits of such, without having to join up with anyone else. As a note for context, the Cam, the Anarchs, and the IA may all have power struggles, and the Anarchs and Cam in particuliar have beef, but they can and do all co-exist in the same cities, and members of each group may even socialize with each other as friends. The Sabbat do NOT co-exist with the others, at least not peacefully or happily. The Sabbat don’t just “have beef” with the Cam, they want to wipe them out and the IAs along with them, and the Cam is pretty happy to return the favor, as will the IAs and Anarchs too. The other three are like, different political parties basically, though their feuds CAN turn bloody too, but the Sabbat are the “bad guys” to the others. (And the Baali and Infernalists are bad guys to EVERYBODY, like basically they’re so evil most people consider them unplayable and all the other sects want to wipe them out for their crimes) So yeah, vampire politics are murder ;) But hey, that’s where Fabian THRIVES! So, the ones that fit most are the Lasombra. They hail primarily from Spain, and are master of the power of Obtenebration---the manipulation and creation of shadow and darkness. They are predatory, backstabbing, power-hungry and unapologetically arrogant. The Lasombra are proud elegant predators, social darwinists, cruel manipulators, and naturally seek positions of power and authority because many Lasombra have domineering and superior personalities that necessitates having someone beneath them. They will use any and all tools available to ensure loyalty, such as the Blood Bond, coercion, physical intimidation, and unapologetic use of Dominate (a power that lets you control others with verbal commands) so working for a Lasombra, is a demanding, difficult, and unrewarding experience at BEST.  Lasombra ghouls (ghoul = human enslaved to a vampire) fall into two broad categories. The first are the raft of accountants, lawyers, and bankers that the Lasombra need to keep the finances rolling in, and perhaps these are the luckier of the two groups – as long as the books balance at the end of the day, they will live to see another one. The second group cater to the Lasombra's difficulty with their own image. Some Lasombra keep an army of personal attendants – scores of ghouls to brush the mistress' hair, do her makeup, and dress her. Such attendants are punished severely for infractions. If the hair is not brushed with exactly one hundred strokes the ghoul might find themselves on the wrong side of the hairbrush, a Potence fuelled hand wielding it. Also due to the Lasombra's curse, ghouls of either stripe might have their faces reduced to identical spiderwebs of scar tissue, or be forced to wear featureless white masks. They have strong ties to the Catholic tradition, and have gotten their hooks deeply in the Church, enabling them to puppeteer much of its power in Europe, and that’s probably why a lot of the Sabbat---the vampire sect to which almost all Lasombra belong-- is based on a twisted version of Catholicism, with perverted rituals and rank titles like Priest and Bishop. There are many different camps of Lasombra, but the one I think Fabian would be in is called The Kings and Queens of Shadow. They take part in mortal institutions, exerting influence, gathering resources and in general keeping the mortal population unaware of the vampires among them. In this setting, there is something called diablerie. It’s when one vampire sucks out all the blood of another and their soul with it, killing that other vampire and taking all their power into themselves. The Camarilla forbids diablerie. But the Sabbat embraces it.  The Lasombra are a clan driven by ambition, and consequently they in particular accept diablerie as a necessary facet of their existence; from the Lasombra perspective, the only tragedy in diablerie is that such an unworthy vampire as the vessel was sired in the first place. Each clan has a curse, and for the Lasombra it’s that they cast no reflections. They cannot be seen in mirrors, bodies of water, reflective windows, polished metals, photographs and security cameras, etc. This curious anomaly even extends to the clothes they wear and objects they carry. Many other clans believe that the Lasombra have been cursed in this manner for their vanity. Additionally, due to their penchant for darkness, Lasombra take an extra level of damage from sunlight.  Lasombra pride themselves on doing things with style and elegance, have a fascination with chess, are often drawn to the sea, and have a notably sadistic Embrace--- when considering a candidate, the sire usually totally destroys the target's life and sees how the target reacts. If the candidate falls apart, then he was obviously unworthy of the Embrace. If he can continue to survive and even overcome the challenges, then these challenges tend to become more extreme, until the sire decides that the candidate has demonstrated enough merit and is Embraced. They’re a very...SHAW clan, in many ways. But also very Fabian. Fabian is obviously vain, manipulative, power-hungry, and would absolutely suck out someone’s soul to get stronger. He is absolutely backstabbing and it WOULD be a CURSE for him not see his own reflection. Fabian is also of Spanish origin, as most Lasombra are, and he’s got the Catholic theme going low-key----he preached about Magneto in a way that was literally just Christianity with Magneto as Jesus, and “Acolyte” is a rank in the Catholic church as well as just a generic word for a follower or servant. I can absolutely see him being proud and pseudo-pious, preaching the praises of Caine (the religious belief of the Sabbat, basically, which is very important to them) and going so hard on their Catholic-inspired ritual, while all the while just trying to wriggle into the most important positions possible and have the most vampires under his command, because Fabian just really likes controlling groups of people on a personal level. I play up Fabian’s silly side because it’s so much fun, but he can written as very dark just as easily, and this would be the place to do it. God help his Ghouls. Oh, and while most vampires think they’re superior to humans even if they don’t admit it, the Sabbat preaches vampires openly reigning over humans as chattel and cattle and doing away with the Masquerade entirely, so that goes pretty well with Fabian as the Acolytes leader too. In the Camarilla, which is the majority sect and the one most vampires will be a member of if they don’t really have any strong beliefs against it, he’d be a Ventrue. Ventrue are one of the “pillar clans” of the Cam, but in my opinion, they ARE the Clan. Other members can and do have positions in it, of course, but it’s the Ventrue who are really running things at the end of the day. The Ventrue are called the Blue Bloods, the Clan of Kings, the ones who wear the crown but also carry the responsibility of making vampire society work, and who bear the brunt of everyone else’s hatred for doing it---because everyone hates the boss, even though they need them. They’re seen as a snooty old boys club who only care about enforcing order for the sake of their own power, and that’s true, but they’re also necessary. A lot of people think of the Lasombra as “Sabbat Venture” or “Ventrue but religious” or “Ventrue but darker” and honestly, that’s not a bad summary. Ventrue are all about power. Ventrue know they are MEANT to rule, and are usually selected from people who are ALREADY rulers, whether it’s a merchant prince, a CEO, or a mafia don. Ventrue likewise are very selective about their Embrace, and you have a lot to live up to, a ton of training to go through, all these rules of etiquette and dignity and hierarchy to follow, they are quizzed and needled and will have a hard time, but it’s NOT on the level of the Lasombra. They have a strict pecking order among themselves and no matter what a big dog you were in life, you are still starting at the bottom. But you have literal eternity to work your way up. Ventrue are completely aware of the unsavory aspects of power, and while a Ventrue leader is just as likely to lead organized crime as he is a Fortune 500 company (the Ventrue really do not object to theft, so much as petty theft), he must always comport himself with dignity, with grace and with honor. At least publically. Ventrue take assaults on their stature very seriously. Spreading rumors, taking credit for another's work and insulting a Ventrue without just cause (publicly or privately) are just a few of the ways to make an enemy for life, and life is going to be a VERY long time for these guys. While the Lasombra are closely connected to religion, the Ventrue are all about politics and money. And unlike the Lasombra who are eager to turn on each other and weed out the week, the Ventrue, like a fraternity, do have a policy of  coming to each other's assistance in times of need, even if it is inconvenient to do so, and many Ventrue credit the clan’s success with this. Again, a Clan that Shaw could fit pretty well, and excel in, and that Fabian...would not be the BEST example, but would be the perfect example of the negative parts of the Ventrue, the stuck-up power-hungry yes-men who lick the boots of everyone above them and boss around everyone below them. The ones who will do anything to get ahead. The nastiest stereotypes of politicians and corrupt corporate executives. It’s very easy for me seeing him in a business suit---the most cliche attire for a Ventrue--sucking up to the Prince and then snapping at some fledgling. And being SO grumpy at having to come to the aid of his fellow patricians, but being the first to call on them for help. Finally, the Followers of Set, or Setites for short. While the dominant belief among vampires is that they are descended from the Biblical Caine, the first murderer, with an ‘e’ at the end of his name for extra edginess in this canon, the Setites claim a different lineage. They say they’re descended from the Egyptian god Set instead, and have an entire complex religion that is REALLY awesome but too intricate to go into. They’re associated with snakes, able to command them and even transform into them, and, like the Lasombra, are extra super duper sensitive to light even for vampires, to the point many have to wear sunglasses even at night to cope with the bright artificial lights of the city. The Setites are known as peddlers of vice, as tempters and corrupters, as the guys who can get you anything or anyone you want...but always at a price. No one smart EVER makes a deal with a Setite, and they HABITUALLY make people into addicts of one type or another (it’s part of their faith) and it’s for this reason they’re rightly looked at with tons of suspicion. But what everyone else doesn’t get is that they are not merely pimps and drug dealers and info-brokers, they are not just shadowy manipulators and sleazy silver-tongued liars, they are FANATICS. They are DEVOTED to their god and ideology, and everything they do is in service of him and his return, at least that’s how it’s supposed to be. As with real people, each Setite is an individual, and how each of them interprets their faith, and how devout they are, varies. Fabian, I think, is one of the Christians who sure doesn’t live like one, but believes God has his back, who will pray to God when he needs something but not any other time, and I think that’s how he’d be about Set as well----he believes in the guy, because of course it’s appealing to Fabian’s arrogance to see himself as the descendent of a god, but his devotion isn’t selfless at all as it can be with some Setites. His manipulation and power-mongerering and slithering in to whisper in your ear and living in hedonism, it’s not for Set, no matter how much he proclaims it. It’s for him. But he’ll preach Set in the Independent Alliance as hard as he’d preach Caine in the Sabbat. Also consider: Shaw also being a Lasombra and RAPIDLY getting fed up with Fabian’s shit. Fabian also could have been Embraced by a Toreador or Brujah, not because he actually fits them but because they THOUGHT he did. Like a Brujah could mistake his fake-activism for some cause as being the real thing, or a Toreador could just think he’s really good looking, that kind of deal. In the “Werewolf: The Apocalypse” setting, he’d either be a Silver Fang or a Shadow Lord. My personal pick is a Silver Fang who acts a lot more like a Shadow Lord. The Silver Fangs are the “Alpha Tribe” of the Garou Nation (Garou meaning werewolves), its traditional leaders and warlords. These proud aristocrats are divided into 13 Houses (though only 7 remain in modern times) based on their immaculately recorded lineages, and each House is ruled by a King or Queen, who answer only to the High King if there is one, and are served by Lords and stewards and so on down the line. Whatever their House, this tribe is known for their courage, honor, and physical beauty. Unfortunately, they’re also known for being stuck up and expecting other Garou to obey them, as they believe they have the divine mandate to rule their brethren ---something that many other werewolves react to with ridicule and scorn more and more in the current era. It gets worse than snobbery, though. They’re so obsessive about their pure perfect lineages, they arrange (read: control) the mating even of their Kinfolk (human and wolf relations of a Garou who are not Garou themselves, but whose children could be) to ensure blood purity. As with human royalty, this has resulted in inbreeding, causing the younger members to be born with... quirks - absent-mindedness, mild hallucinations, somnambulism - nothing overtly psychotic, but noticeable nevertheless. They need to start changing their ways soon before this problem gets worse, but most of them show NO signs of acknowledging that, let alone actually doing it. Just as the Lasombra are often described as the dark reflection of the Ventrue, so too are the Shadow Lords often seen as the dark counterpart to the Silver Fangs. Shadow Lords too have strict hierarchies, but while the Silver Lords openly attempt to rule other tribes, the Shadow Lords are politicians and manipulators who use their secretive ways to wrest as much power as they can. The Shadow Lords originated in the steppes of Eurasia, where they controlled human tribes by assuming an indispensable position within their societies that would exert no direct power, but whose word was heeded. And they’ve been playing that role ever since in the Garou Nation, serving the Silver Fangs as their viziers and their secret henchmen, doing those deeds that would harm their reputation. The Fangs used the Shadow Lords as scapegoats for their own dark deeds, and the Shadow Lords accepted this, seeing that it would benefit the Nation if the name of the Silver Fangs would remain “pure” in the eyes of others. At least, that’s how it used to be.  These days, they have a particular hatred for the Silver Fangs instead, seeing the them as an outdated dinosaur holding the rest back from achieving their full potential. The Shadow Lords would love to supplant the Fangs as the unquestioned leaders of the Garou, and will rarely pass up an opportunity to take their plans one step further. Shadow Lords are constantly behind the scenes of any group or faction they have been able to get their claws into, manipulating others like puppets and pawns to get what the tribe wants and needs. While most Shadow Lords believe their works are for the greater good, many other Garou see them as deceitful dogs who need to be kept in clear view.  The Shadow Lords are among the few tribes that are not only willing to sacrifice themselves for Gaia ( such is expected from every Garou), but also others in order to further their greater goal. Sacrifice plays an important role within the Tribe, and a Shadow Lord is expected to be willing to sacrifice anything in the cause of a given cause, himself and all of his allies included. This gives them their grim reputation among the Nation. No other tribe knows the nature of politics like the Shadow Lords, and they value brains over brawn, emphasizing cunning and manipulation over physical fights. You’d think then, that they would be small and weak, the Scar or Loki to the Silver Fang’s Mufasa and Thor. Not so. The wolf forms of Shadow Lords are HUGE muscular black beasts, looking more like giant pit bulls than wolves. They believe in POWER above all else, and that INCLUDES the physical.  There is no room in the Shadow Lords for showing weakness or mercy to an opponent, be it a battle of wits or of bodies. If you couldn’t guess, Shaw would ABSOLUTELY be a Shadow Lord werewolf. Fabian, I’m thinking, is a Silver Fang by birth, probably of the Ahroun (warrior) or perhaps a sly slimy Philodox (mediators, judges, interpreters of the law and settlers of disputes), a Homid (born in human form) but whose half-sister (Anne Marie) is a wolf kinfolk. Which, yes, means Anne Marie is a wolf in this verse. Not a werewolf, just a wolf. A very smart wolf that tags along INCESSANTLY after him. Any, Fabian is a Silver Fang, and he’s the WORST stereotype about it---arrogant, entitled, and thinks he can boss around every other werewolf because of it. Despite his apparent disgust for “lesser” tribes, he in fact actually PREFERS being around them, because he can’t pull this on other Silver Lords, especially those who outrank him. But even the highest-ranking member of another tribe is, to him, lesser than he is, so he can do this shit---though of course he frequently does not get away with it. Fabian wants to gain great power, rank, and renown in his tribe, but while he is a strong warrior, he is also a coward, and thus won’t go into a fight he knows he’ll lose, which keeps him from accomplishing anything truly great in battle. So he begins acting more like a Shadow Lord within his own tribe and outside it, wiggling into the position of advising and manipulating others into order to snag power and credit for himself, make others look bad by comparison, trick them into commiting errors he then swoops in and fixes, etc. All of which just serves to make his ego even more unbearable as he succeeds, though watching him toady and suck up is also hilarious. Also, while he scoffs at the “weakminded” products of his clan, feeling they were the RESULT of bad breeding rather than the attempts to avoid it, he in fact is one of them---his egomania is simply how his inbred madness manifests. Which is technically not his fault, but doesn’t make him any less insufferable for it. As a non-werewolf werebeast (the “Fera” or “Changing Breeds”) he’d be a Bastet (werecat) specifically a Simba, a werelion. As I said with Cateye, they are regal, proud, and powerful beyond compare...and also arrogant, domineering, and malicious, even under the best of circumstances. They aren’t villains, mind you, but magnificent slayers of demons. They just happen to think, like the Silver Fangs, that they were created to rule their brethren, something the normally antisocial Bastet almost universally reviled. They believe they are the ones to put things in order again, and also that humans should know their place as well. You can already see the Fabian appeal. It gets even better. As one of the most social tribes of the Bastet, the Simba adore their loved ones, and watch their Kinfolk very closely. The central organization of the Simba is the pride. Each pride has one “father”, or dominant male, and several “wives”  and “young hunters. Small prides defer to larger ones, and may owe allegiance to a “High King”. Every pride contains more females than males and is usually mixed with feline and/or human kin to ensure a healthy progeny. Simba have rites of initiation and rank; advancement in the pride is by combat, and only three adult males are allowed to remain in a pride. Most have only one. Females fight to be First Huntress and First Wife, though few can be both. Losers either die in combat or wander the plains in search of a new pride. So, lots of hierarchy, harems, and opportunity to force other people out so he can be top, both of the heap and the women. This is the shit Fabian LOVES and THRIVES in. They may not be big on manipulation, but physical combat isn’t a thing Fabian is a slouch in at all---he bested Psylocke before, after all, and he’s huge to boot. Speaking of that, the human forms are typically muscular, charismatic, and attractive. Their hair flows thick and rich; white Simba have cascading hair which blossoms into a mane during transformation, while African ones have thick afros or dreadlocks. So, tall, muscular, long luxuriant hair, that’s him! He’s probably a lone male currently seeking a Pride to take over, or has a small one that is other lone males he’s temporarily banded together with as their ‘leader’ until he can find a proper one. Or, god forbid, he’s actually the king of one his “wives” all claw him in the face when he tries anything As with his wolf version, I see him as a Homid, born a human, and of his Pyrio, I’d pick Night or Twilight, for his sneakiness. He seems open and direct like a Daylight Bastet, but for all his bragging and spotlight-hogging, his real work goes down in the shadows. (Daylight - open and direct, they tend to be diplomats, warriors, lawgivers, and protectors. Twilight - questioners and seekers, they tend to be detectives, lawyers, spies, or mystics Night - often withdrawn and reclusive, they tend to be assassins, scholars, scientists, and practitioners of dark magics.)