#i always avoided calling things my depression meals or saying something had cured my depression as a joke because it felt unfair to the

[12thgirl]

Mmmm yesterday

[landboundstar]

Some Mental Health Thoughts

I don’t normally post too much on here, but right now, I can’t think of where else to post it. Dealing with a lot of shit and am in a bad place. Isn’t the first time, won’t be the last. I’m not going to let it be the last. But currently am being judged a hell of a lot for it in my real life. So for all of the “Your depression isn’t real”, “You just need to deal with reality”, and “It’s a cry for attention”, let me give you a crash course on the inside of my brain. Age 3 - I could read and write. Started adding “or else” to requests sometimes. Some of this might have been a cry for attention or wanting to get my own way. But at 3 - the fact I had the sense there was an or else.

Age 5- Started to hyperventilate very badly when upset. Had people telling me to calm down, that I was making myself sick on purpose. I’m sure there were tantrums in there. But when I have 3 in an hour, when everyone in my family is upset and shouting too - 

Age 6 - First visit to the school psychologist. Ended up in gifted, got told with dealing with bullies to ignore it and comments about having poor coping skills. I was 6.

Age 8 - Bullying at the point wanted to disappear. Reading both made things better and worse- was something that got me targeted, but got me out of my own head. Regularly would talk to imaginary friends, write, read to deal with a day. Sometimes it was name calling or comments or gossip. And pushing the class klutz isn’t so noticeable. I mean, she trips over her own feet anyhow. Age 10 - First time thought out a full attempt. Note, idealogy, plan - it wasn’t a great plan but a plan. Went to an actual psychologist. School wanted put on meds if was depressed. Psychologist was worried because this was when they were first starting to find out about suicide risks with some of the meds. Because was under 18, get a diagnosis of not depression, but did receive therapy. Developed more coping skills. Everyone treated it like it went away. Had to say my attempt was for attention to avoid being hospitalized with a lot of threats from family. Was called selfish, was told this was selfish.

Middle school/High school - Still needed occasional help with bullying. Thoughts still in my head, but learning to keep them to myself. I have a brief bout with self harm, that I tell no one about. I still use reading and writing to escape. I have a small group of friends, but that helps. I try to use what I feel to fuel what helps me, and still get told to ignore bullies. Like the kid that pushed me into a teacher in the hall. Or the people who made me feel so out of place I didn’t eat lunch for a week. I’m in clubs, I do activities, my grades stay up. I’m just broken inside.

College - I still have issues, but talking with friends having groups, having people I can talk to, having classes on psychology help me develop even more ways of dealing with my depression. I learn about therapeutic communication and start talking about it here and there. I get told I talk weird, and when I use “I” statements, that the only person I think about is myself. Only one attempt during this time. Start thinking I’m cured. After college - You think this is better? Oh no. I get a job. It isn’t enough. I am trying to help out family as well. It isn’t enough. I try to take care of myself. It isn’t enough. Pretty soon, any time I get stressed or upset, there is a little voice in my head - and yes, I hear it sometimes. I know things are getting worse again. I go to doctors for help. I get told if I am suicidal, I need to be hospitalized. I can’t afford it. So I lie. I go to a therapist. For three trips. Then, it costs too much. I seek help - but know if I get help or get committed, I lose my job and could lose my ability to work in the field I’m in. I am dealing with constant posts about it being an excuse. Someone mentions student loans can be forgiven upon someone’s death. I go to work and have to fight not to just drive off the road. My brother mocks me for not liking guns. I am dealing with an abusive situation and told “It’s not that bad, you’re just too sensitive.” My doctor worries about meds with me - I am not a good candidate for them - but if I am not on meds, no one believes something is wrong. I take an assessment for mental health risks as part of a work seminar. My numbers are 3 times the factor that they say should be high risk for the kids I am working with. People still think that it is a lie. Where I’m at now - I can act normal, right up until I can’t. I am grieving, but can’t cry because I am struggling to not be exhausted, and numb, and feel. But when I feel, it is this lonely pit. My friends reach out, but then I have people telling me what my brain already does to cut people off. I can’t afford help. I am dealing with a lot of changes, and told that I should be coping better, that this is what real life is like. I just want it to stop, to feel peace. To feel better. I don’t react or look like I have depression, so I have been told, again, it’s a cry for attention. It wasn’t until yesterday I told someone I trusted I was suicidal again. They talked to me and found me a number of someone to talk to. I am trying to do that. I am typing this reading posts about suicide being the ultimate act of selfishness. I am reading how anyone who is looking for help - financial, mental, they don’t seem to care which - just needs to grow up and haul themselves up by their bootstraps. I am reading how, as I am seeking help, that they are tired of people who can’t deal with reality. I wonder if hospitalization is an option, but then I remember, I can’t afford it. And it will risk my job. And part of me is fighting to not just give up. Part of me just wants it all to stop. My arms and legs hurt. I am fighting to not startle at movements because my ears can start ringing. Showering is hard. If I do start eating, it is hard to stop, but skipping meals is normal too. I don’t remember the last normal night of sleep I had. I either can’t sleep because my head is racing with thoughts, or I am exhausted from my head racing and don’t want to get out of bed. I am always cold. I know I am feeling things, but anger and irritation are what come out, or numb. I can be happy for a couple minutes, but it goes away. And the urge to just make everything stop can hit me from being good and joking to pulling over so I don’t wreck my car in 5 minutes or less and sobbing through a panic attack. I feel alone walking in a group of people. I feel invisible talking with family.  So, I can’t deal with reality? This is an excuse? I am dealing with this while working, while paying bills. I am dealing with this through losing family. I am dealing with this through the phone calls and parties and conversations with people who want to help but are not okay with me not mentally being okay. I have been dealing with this while going to church. I have been dealing with this with fixing flat tires and grocery shopping. This is a part of my daily life. That I go numb easily, get suicidal ideation easily, can explain and talk through it actually coherently, that I know skills and am sometimes feeling too exhausted to use them - that is what my depression looks like. That I work well with therapy, and know that one day, while I might need meds, I really need to talk to my doctor and others to figure out what works, and hope that it gets covered so I can take them? That I feel like I am in a Catch -22 with hospitalization and work and the potential of an involuntary commit - which has been used as a threat against me? That is what my depression looks like.  So I am in a bad place. It won’t be the first. I am not going to let it be the last. I am talking to my friend again. I am calling the number she gave me.  But even when I am doing better, there is still all of this inside my head.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Aurgh it’s hard as fuck when your main squick is something that’s popular with like, almost every other human being ever, and is intended to be one of those safe everyday conversations you can have with both intimate friends and complete strangers. Where it’s supposed to be a thing that humanity uses as a uniting, welcoming, bonding force... but to me it’s just... a really uncomfortable reminder of a host of bad things.

I’m talking food here.

Food conversations often make me feel uncomfortable. Vastly uncomfortable. There’s an intricate set of conditions for which conversations I’m fine with and which will bother me, but no one except me is going to know all that minuteness. Point is: food conversations, food socialization, it’s everywhere. And it’s so hard to handle. Because i know everyone wants to be nice and they’re reaching out to me, but every time they do that kind gesture, it’s alienating and disturbing me more. And so 9 times out of 10, I put on a polite face and humor them because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t let them know it bothers me. 

Dudes I am like, always trying to minimize my discomfort for others, because I know it’s impractical to act otherwise.

Which means I’m constantly living in a state of internally squirming.

Let’s be clear: I am someone who’s pretty comfortable giving feedback to friends, talking back and forth about what does/doesn’t work between us. I’m not someone socially anxious at approaching topics like these. I’m FINE telling friends, “Hey, I don’t like X, how about we do Y?” But just... food’s an impossible battle, dudes, and you can’t do it to complete strangers, to EVERYONE you meet, to EVERY circumstance you go through... it’s just... it’s a losing battle and I’d rather be polite and not make others feel uncomfortable, than constantly jut out to no good result.

For like. The one time out of ten I ask people (usually close friends) to avoid food-related actions and conversations, it’s a roll of the dice whether or not their behavior changes, even when they don’t complain “That makes it hard to talk to you!” Usually the confiding conversation changes little. Even when they’re trying to do something. 

The problem is that food reminds me I’m socially ostracized, and it reminds me of a lot of the mental illness and self-care issues I’ve chronically had in my life. In fact, food is a really good symbol of everywhere I just STRUGGLE so like, yeah, surprise surprise, I hate hearing and talking about it and stuff.

So like. Number one. I have Celiac Disease. I got diagnosed as an infant (praise God) and have lived a strict gluten free diet my entire life, even before most people knew what the word meant or knew the word existed. I have pride for being a Celiac, but I don’t like what the social impacts are. I learned to turn down food offered to me. Which is like. A lot of the time, dudes. Humans bond through food. But growing up without food bonding is....... yeah wow, dudes, apparently it messes you up, who knew.

1. You gotta turn down the dinner invitations for people who want to cook for you, knowing they’ll have nooooo idea how to prepare safe gluten-free friendly foods. Or, you don’t want to be a Drastic Social Burden(TM) that’s difficult to prepare for (because there’s so much RESEARCH they’d have to do, and so much I’d have to DOUBLE CHECK for them, just to make sure I could eat one fucking cupcake). So any time there’s a social gathering around dinner that isn’t going to a restaurant, it turns into a major cringe reaction for me, wishing that this hangout were literally ANY other time of day.

Mealtimes, which everyone else uses as a way to bond with one another in a positive, delightful way... are one of the Biggest Ways to make me feel alienated, uncomfortable, socially burdensome, on edge. Instead of making me feel included, I feel all the more aware I’m the odd one out. During the times people *DO* actually cook gluten free for me, I feel an unending wave of gratefulness piled on social burden, because they had to go out of their fucking way to figure this out, due to the problematic nature of me having strict dietary restrictions.

2. You know how often food gets offered to you as gifts? I have to constantly turn down those gifts. I already lack gift giving abilities; turning down gifts is socially cumbersome but something I’m always waiting to have to do. Instead of ever feeling grateful someone offered me something (I know they mean well), I have to ruin the moment by asking to see the packaging for the ingredients list, or saying “no”. And someone saying “I’d love to cook for you!” just makes me think “oh god oh god oh god NO. please NO.”

3. Really fun hanging out with friends and “Let’s go eat” and you have to veto 3/4 of the restaurants they want to go to because you can’t eat there. Frankly, I often succumb to “Pick what you want, I’ll figure something out for me.” My friends don’t like that and insist to include me (food bonding [sigh]) but yeahhhh, I like to wimp out on that rather than bother.

4. Oh hi guess what it also goes into being left out of religious experiences like church communions. Until larger churches started offering gluten free wafers to replace bread... if I wanted to be included in communion... I either had to whisper something to the pastor before she gave me bread, or I’d have to give her my gluten free bread ahead of time so she could give it to me specially (this is what my mom did for me, who always tried to make me feel included as a little kid... bake me my own cakes for birthday parties... arrange this stuff with the church... what have you). And let’s not get started on the awkward conversations I had when friends invited me to seder and I had to do a lot of make-sure-ing there too.

5. Okay guys you know how COMMON it is for people to text you food pictures? Look what I made. This is my dinner. What have you. How that will IMMEDIATELY set off my discomfort??? But if I don’t respond, I’ll get a text half an hour later, “Hey, did you see my concoction?” 

6. Ngl this makes me 300000x more nervous if I have to do any food-related hosting event. Even if it’s “bring something to the potluck!” it throws me into so much distress. Now *I* have to pick food for *someone else*, when I live in a world where no one knows how to pick food for me. It makes me uncertain what to bring, what’s acceptable to bring, etc. I mean, I guess the one thing I have going for me is I make sure I bring stuff ANY person of ANY diet can eat, but like... there’s so much social discomfort. I get even more uncomfortable at the thought of trying to cook meals for people (doesn’t help I can’t cook to save my life) or hosting social events with snacks in them (ex: movie nights). 

THERE IS A REASON I DEFAULT TO “HEY WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TO DINNER, I’LL PAY!!!!” it’s the one non-uncomfortable way I can show my love to my friends, while dealing with a physical need I know they have (hunger). It’s not the “best” bonding way, but I try to minimize those experiences, get out of them, but like... if I’m offering to buy you dinner, THIS IS ***THE*** BEST I CAN DO AND I AM DESPERATE TO DO IT BECAUSE IT IS THE ***ONLY*** WAY I CAN FOOD BOND WITH YOU AND I KNOW YOU NEED THAT.

On and on and on and on and on. 

Like, on its own, living with Celiac is damn EASY. It’s not hard to cook and eat gluten free meals. But it’s the interaction with all the other human beings, who default to eating gluten-filled meals, and trying to get me in on the socialization of gluten-filled meals... that makes it so problematic to navigate. And means I’m constantly feeling socially........ jutting out. Square peg in round hole phenomenon.

But it’s not just the fact that everyone else grew up bonding with food and meals... and I was separated out and couldn’t bond. 

Uarghghghg it’s not just Celiac. Celiac is simple. Celiac is normal. I’m 100% chill with the fact I have it, and I actually get angry when people suggest it’s something that should be “cured.” Fuck you dudes, I’m normal, I’m healthy, my life is great, it’s not my fault you like wheat and think I should like it too. 

But. Where things get really emotionally hairy. It’s that food is a pinnacle of my non-neurotypical issues. I forever screwed up my diet in college when I got so depressed I quit eating regularly and lost something like 10-15 lb (which was... like... 10% of my body weight, yiiiiikes). It became this... self-imposed contest... where I tried to skip as many meals as possible. It became a Rule that I didn’t eat Sundays. It took years for me to eat 2-3 meals a day again. And it forever impacted the health of what I ate. I have really baaaaaad diet.

And diet is always the first thing to get impacted when I have a depression-y spell. It’s the hardest thing for me to get in control to try to take care of myself. I’m CONSTANTLY struggling to take care of myself even during my happy periods, when it comes to food, and so you can only imagine what happens to my diet when I’m in my many bad spells. Food represents the constant struggle, the constant inability for me to function. It sometimes feels like the symbol of my mental illness. It’s a battle I am constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly fighting. I’m fighting to get ONE meal a week that I’ve fucking cooked for myself. I’m fighting to eat things that could be called “meals” at all (don’t worry, I get my calories and shit in, I eat very regularly, I snack all the fucking time, I’m not underfed, I’m fiiiiiine, it’s just not... good nutritional value, and it relies heavily on restaurants or non-scratch non-recipe items). 

And when food is the epitome of so many bad things - inability to fit in socially, inability to take care of myself, a memory of times when I collapsed psychologically my freshman year of college and went into eating disorder mode... like dudes, I’m sorry, I’m not going to enjoy photos of your macaroni and cheese you texted me. It’s going to make me go into instant Red Flag Mental Mode where I’m thinking about nothing except constant internal battles I fight.

And yet.

Oh goodie.

Food is The Go To socializer. Food is a Nice Easy Topic. Food is everywhere, and I just bite my tongue and smile and tell someone, “Looks like a tasty dinner.”

[rising----above]

#1: a long, raw, overdue explanation of why you’re not alone

I’ve thought time and time again how to start this off. There are so many things I want to say—things I want people to understand.

One thing I’ve come to learn, through years of searching for an answer, is no one can really understand yourmind and it’s twisted, but ever so beautiful ways, but you, and even THAT is a battle.

But that doesn’t mean you’re in it alone.

This was a tough one for me. Constantly searching beyond myself for the answer, the cure, the secret to recovery that I so desperately told everyone I wanted when, shamefully, it was the one thing I feared most. So I looked for someone or something to give me the answer for this, whatever this even was. That wasn’t going to come. No one could save me, and I think I always knew that. I’ll explain:

For years, I put every ounce of my energy (which was minimal) toward hiding my eating disorder from everyone I knew. I’d lie about what I was doing during dinner, what I did or didn’t eat. I’d lie about how good I felt.

I didn’t feel good.

I even forgot what good could feel like. I was so wrapped up in putting on a face, that I soon convinced myself that this— this life altering disease, was who I was.

Not a minute went by where I wasn’t thinking about food; what I ate, what I was going to eat, when I would eat, what I would do to work it off, what other people were eating, what other people were doing, what other people were thinking. I spent my time creating these calculations and justifications in my head that if I took my first bite in exactly 7 minutes, I would allow myself another 5 minutes later. Then while eating that meal, I’d decide what time was appropriate to have my snack at night and when I’d have to finish this meal so it was ok. At one point, it would take me 2 hours to eat my nowhere-near-adequate meal for reasons I don’t wish to relive. Sounds invigorating, doesn’t it?

Now, my patterns will be entirely different than yours. My rigid routines were tailored to feed myICF (see explanation below). My eating disorder. My depression. My anxiety. My mood swings. But know this; I hear you. I understand what it’s like to feel swallowed and I can listen. I’ve got you.

And for that reason, you are never alone.

It’s hard to explain what it’s really like. I’ve been asked, but the best answer I can come up with is this, and I think anyone anywhere can relate to it:

Picture a little voice inside your head. Louder than your typical “devil on the shoulder,” but not so loud that reality begins to fade. That voice is your inner control freak, ICF for short. We all have her, our personal con artist, but how she manifests is what makes her unique.

She tries to perfect my life as she sees fit, and then doing everything in her power to hold on. What sucks about ICF? I created her. And you created yours, and because of that, ICF is powerful.

She knows everything about me. She knows how to make me believe lies, how to create fake, bullshit stories to convince me that I don’t need to eat lunch today. That I don’t need rest. That I can run that extra mile when my knees scream it’s enough. That I should stay in because my friends are going out to eat. That I don’t need friends. That no one understands. That I don’t deserve what’s out there beyond her control, because she knows best. It’s exhausting to fight her, so I succumb. I let her take the lead because it’s easy, comfortable and, dare I say, even safe.

I saw my ICF for the wicked witch that she is. And right now, saying all this, it’s ok with her. She thinks I won’t do anything about it. In fact, she knows I won’t because that’s how it’s been. Usually she’s right.

We are creatures of habit, so we often find comfort in keeping things as they are, with fear that change will bring unsteadiness and ultimately, discomfort. These obstacles, and the thoughts we create around them based off past experience, are what keep us in our tracks. Keep our ICF in charge. But to grow, we need to break out of these habits (whether healthy or unhealthy– habits aren’t all bad) and continue on the path we were born to pursue. It doesn’t matter if we’ve strayed from the path throughout our years here on earth. Who cares where you started! It’s where you are now and where you want to go. That push, that effort and that faith in what you are doing is often uncomfortable for the sole reason it’s not what we are used to. The idea of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is unfathomable for some.

That’s why when she has your control, it seems impossible to break. I let her define who I was through my eating disorder. She convinced me that without her, I’d be lost. Without her, I’d break into a million pieces. Without her, I was nothing. She let me think I was in control, so losing it was my biggest fear. I was in a trans. And once I finally saw it as a problem, it became even darker. She put up the fight of her life.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I think it’s a little different. Once you realize you have a problem, it then becomes a battle between your wise mind and your eating disorder mind (or ICF for a better generalization). The constant back of forth of, “I’m tired I don’t want to work out” and “Get up you’re just lying to you self.” The “I’m absolutely starving I want to eat” versus “You can make it a couple more hours. Then maybe a couple more”. And worse, the “I don’t want to live like this anymore” against “You can’t change who you are.”

Nasty.

To me, that’s when it really starts. The second you jump into the arena and get ready for the challenge. The darkness really comes in at this point. When you start seeing how sadistic your ICF is and how she manifests within you.

At this point, I hadn’t slept in years; constantly weighed down by bricks on my chest, a tightness in my throat, the undeniable self-loathing powering over the small, small want to be free. My wise mind trying to peep her head in and say this is all wrong. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be.

ICF is a strong mother fucker and she pushes my wise mind right back into her hole. ICF has to be the one in control at all times, so she uses all that she has to make sure you stay exactly where you are.

Here, my friends, is where you start to see your own strength. It comes in a weird way.

I never let myself feel. Ever.

Focusing on my eating disorder was way easier than facing the emotions I tried so hard to avoid. My eating disorder became, so I thought, my purpose in life. When I say my ICF is a conniving bitch, I mean she’s a conniving bitch. She found me at a time when I was lost; I had no idea who I was or what I could become. At a time I believed I had no reason for being here.

I was a scared girl who believed emotions were for the weak, or that simply I didn’t have them. So when they started brewing all those years ago, instead of facing them, I pushed them down so far that it woke up my ICF. This was her chance. And she roared.

4 years I let her reign.

I don’t find sharing the gruesome details of my restricting, purging, depression, anxiety... and so the list goes on, to be entirely helpful (however, if it will be to you, please reach out) but God, those were the hardest times of my life. The worst part? No one had any idea how bad it really was. No one knew how fucked up my ICF was and how brainwashed I was to her. Nor could I explain it. I’m still working on that part. Bear with me.  

Every day became a struggle. I remember one day in particular. I walked into my doctor’s office at PSU and the minute she saw me, I burst into tears. I told her how tired I was. My body, my mind, my spirit. I was broken. My ICF had finally torn me down, and I was exhausted living this way.

But I needed a wake-up call. I was the type of person who wouldn’t DARE ask for help. Venting felt unnatural. I was (and am!) the best listener there was and loved nothing more than helping people feel safe, comfortable and loved. I never got that back because I never let it. People tried, but I pushed. I diverted. I pretended things were ok when they weren’t. I was a master at masking and painting the face I wanted others to see. I could’ve fooled anyone, and I’m not proud of it.

Treatment wasn’t even an option. I can do it myself, I thought. And I did one time! I got my weight up, but that didn’t mean I was recovered. It was just another way for me to convince everyone I was ok. And honestly, no one thought to ask anymore. It went under the rug. That is until my weight went right back down. Old habits don’t just disappear.

So then it came; I fainted and landed myself a concussion. Boom. The wake-up call arrived, and it wasn’t pretty.

Admittedly, I was high, so it was easy to tell people I “greened out.” But this had happened to me a few years back, and now again for the same reason. I had eaten close to nothing that day but this time, I collapsed back onto my head.

I neglected my body for so long-- so damn long that to get my attention, it had to scream and shout and throw me in a hospital.

My friends saw it as a concussion. The people who knew of my ED saw it for what it really was. A relapse like no other. A relapse that was winning. It was time for change. It was time to stop trying to fool everyone. I could preach time and time again about living authentically, but what a fraud I was. I believed it true for everyone but myself, and I couldn’t live that way any longer. I had never been so scared.

With little choice, I finally broke down and joined a program and fuck, did that feel harder than the eating disorder itself. Why? It made no sense to me. Wasn’t I here to feel good?

In short yes, but what was happening, for one of the first times in my life, was I let myself truly FEEL. And I felt EVERYTHING. The good, the bad, the ugly. I felt it everywhere on body and each emotion weighed me down for what my mind took literally. I felt hopeful, hopeless, lost, found, depressed, joyful, anxious, calm, defeated, motivated, lonely, yet connected. It was overwhelming to say the least.

But god did I need it. While getting your physical health down pat is the first priority (without it, your brain functions malnourished and recovery is harder than it needs to be), the mental part is where the challenge comes in. This is where you ACTUALLY have to LISTEN to what fight goes on between your wise mind and eating disorder mind, or your ICF. Where you have to help pull your wise mind out of the hole. Where you have to abandon everything that has given you comfort, purpose and meaning for the last who knows how many years. Again, we are creatures of habit, and breaking one is not easy. This was a pretty big one.

What treatment showed me was that there is a life beyond whatever war my mind was fighting that day. It showed me the power of love, of support. The power of connection.

Human connection is the most incredible thing we can harness on this earth, and I lost it for a while. I’m happy to say I found it again, but in the last place I thought to look; within myself.

I started to see the world not as my worst enemy, but instead my biggest fan. I realized so much of my time was spent on my eating disorder that I believed she had all the answers.

I started to listen to the little voice, my voice, trying to push its way through my eating disorder mind. Pushing through my ICF and through the thoughts, the lies, the pain, the guilt, the blame, the torture. Through all of THAT, my voice, my wise mind, was still finding a way to push out from the layers of debilitating, self-loathing, incomprehensible bullshit I created to cloud all that I was, all that I am, and all that I desire to be. I felt (or rather, feel) so small when she is in control when I once felt so large. I felt powerless when I once felt on top of the world. I felt fearful when I once felt safe. And that’s where it gets fucked up. She creates those euphoric feelings to trap you into thinking this is what you need to be alive. She tells you that this is who you are. It’s better this way.

It’s how it all starts.

Thinking you run the show, to only find out there were these small, hidden strings attached to you all along. THIS ISN’T ME. I started to speak louder.  

In treatment, I got hit with this feeling of anger. A feeling of disgust with myself for doing this to my mind and my body. I damaged my vessel.I took parts from a whole and never put them back. How could I do this to the vehicle that carries me through life? That sparks my creativity? That allows me to connect, feel and grow with others? That gives me purpose? HOW?

Because I never believed I could have all those things.  

I asked this question time in and time out, dwelling on the why and the how. So fixated on what could’ve possibly started this vicious cycle, a question that has plagued me every minute I’ve lived with my eating disorder. I was convinced that the only way to recover or to live separate from her was to know why she came in the first place. I let the confusion take over, and it blocked my wise mind from rising.

Then, I let these feelings of anger surface. I even let them out and spoke with my peers. This was a huge step for me, and together we came to the conclusion that maybe I haven’t forgiven myself.

I made a mistake. It might be a little bigger than forgetting to turn the light off when leaving a room, but it is by no means permanent or irreversible. That’s why treatment exists. Because there is life beyond the disorder, but holding on will only keep you from reaching it.

That’s when it all came, but slowly. Here is how it happened:

1.    Maybe it’s not about understanding my eating disorder and where she came from, but instead a forgiveness for what I let her do.She is immensely complex. Craft-like, one might say. She wants me to become so fixated in understanding her and finding an answer because one doesn’t exist. It’s just another one of her traps! If I focus all my energy on unraveling the past and reliving all the bad, I’ll never let myself see the beauty right in front of me or the opportunities that lie ahead.

2.    I automatically assumed that the problem was I didn’t understand the root of my eating disorder. I’ve been studying the chakra system quite intensely. Not to get crazy detailed, but the root chakra, muladhara, is all about grounding and survival. Finding that foundation, or your roots, will give you stability and security to grow. A malfunction associated with a blocked or imbalanced root chakra is, by no coincidence, eating disorders. It makes a lot of sense; when you’re malnourished, your mind is everywhere at once, leaving you in a constant state of fatigue, incredible stress, constant insecurity and questioning of where your roots begin and who you are. Sometimes, you look to a higher power for the answers. Or try to focus on higher chakras to get this level of purity we all desire. But, without roots, even the smallest of winds will send you flying from the ground. I didn’t understand the root of my eating disorder. I had no idea where she came from. I thought this was my ungrounding. If I can understand, I’ll be free.

BULLSHIT.

3.    THE BOOM— MY EATING DISORDER IS NOT WHO I AM.Her roots are not my roots. We don’t share this. She is not me, I am not her, so what will knowing her roots– her motives, change? I still went through years of it, I still have anger I need to forgive, and I’m still here, right now, going through treatment to repair the years of harm I did, or let her do, on my mind and body. It changes nothing! It’s like when you take the garbage out. You don’t stop to look through everything that’s in the bag because you know its trash and it needs to go. I heard that at my yoga training and it stuck, I just didn’t know how to do it. What I do know? My eating disorder needs to fucking go. It’s time to learn what MY roots are. Who NINA is, not Nina with an eating disorder. Just Nina. The Nina who wants to come into her own and find the authenticity so desperately trying to fight its way out. The Nina who has a light that’s ready to shine.

To do this, I must forgive myself, and those around me, because there is no one person or thing to blame. No one forced to me throw my dinner up all those years ago. No one forced to me create the most complex system of when to and when not to eat. No one forced me to restrict until fainting. No one forced me to do any of this. And it’s time to let go of the desire to find it.

I’m not sure I ever knew what grounding really was, making me so vulnerable to her reign. What led up to that? Good luck finding it somewhere in the first 18 years of my life. It’s the needle in a haystack.

It’s a blessing, really. I get to start over in a sense— I get to reframe and redefine the way that I live and the foundation I want to build from.

She’s finally starting to get quieter.

Funny, it doesn’t sound like it’s got a whole lot to do with food now, right? Because it doesn’t.

We need food to survive, so with this, you can’t just take the ‘problem’ away. Instead, you have to mend your relationship with it. Much like mending the one with yourself. For me, it manifested this way because food was something I could control and something I love. Naturally, my ICF came swooping in and made her move. It was a clear way to get me to feel in control, to feel purposeful. Like I said, conniving little bitch that ICF of mine.

If you’re struggling tell yourself this: Food is not the enemy. Believe it.  

Do I wish I never had my eating disorder? Honestly, no.

I don’t know if I would’ve found my true passion if it wasn’t for my ED; and that’s my yoga. The practice quite literally saved me from the darkest year of my life.

Through it, I found I was put on this earth to make people smile. I was put here to spread a message of joy and lead people to be the best version of themselves possible. I just had to take care of myself first. Otherwise, how authentic could I really be?

My yoga training changed me. It made me feel vulnerable for all the right reasons. It made me feel strong, fulfilled, loved, connected--on top of the freaking world. I had found the direction I wanted to follow and got such a good taste of it that I craved more. More of the authenticity.

I had the tools, but I still needed to believe I deserved to use them. I started to pry open the wounds. I started to heal. I fell back, but I got up again. Life does that. The trick is not to stay down.

So now, I’m here, and everything is falling into place. I see the greatness and I’m going after it because I deserve it.

I do. I really do. I’m eternally grateful.

Let me be clear on one thing, the work is nowhere near done. I have coping strategies, I have my meditation practice, mantras, morning pages—I have a toolbox that I can dig into when things get hard, because there is no doubt it will. It ishard. But this time it’s different. This time, I’m committed. I’m so damn proud to say that. I’m on this journey and I’m loving where it’s taking me because I got clear. I see it, and I’m working to manifest it.

Our bodies are a gift. Food is a gift. This life is a gift. Do things for your body because you’re so in love with all it lets you do. Most importantly, stop letting society label what’s good and what’s bad because those terms are completely relatively, and only you know the answer. Trust your intuition when it’s talking to you. Don’t make it yell.  

Now, I let my body be. I let my mind be. For so long I was just trying to be the ____ est. The smartest, the skinniest, the fittest, the healthiest, the prettiest, the funniest, the wisest, the funnest, the coolest, the yoga-est. We all have the an -est we’re chasing.

And how tiring that is!

So many doors open the moment you stop holding yourself to this standard of physicality, or what society says you should be. Our appearance may be what initially draws attention, one may argue, but when it comes down to what reallymatters--human connection, energetic drawing, creating relationships… LOVE, looks can’t get you that. And that’s the shit that’s real.  

When appearance stops defining who you are and what you can do, things start to look a bit brighter. The clouds clear, the sun shines, the birds sing, people smile; you start to notice what’s been there all along. Joy.

The second you start focusing on yourself and doing you, and I mean really, truly doing you, your eyes open.

Vulnerability is the scariest thing in the world. Not because of what we can’t do, but because it just might bring out our truest potential. Why is that so scary? Because it could shake everything you’ve known; the stories you’ve told yourself will no longer serve you. They hid you from the truth and buried you further into shame. Today we say no more.

It could mean quitting the job you’ve had for years. It could mean flying across the world to try a famous dish. It could mean stepping away from the people you’ve always been by. It’s not all pretty, but when you start doing you, you start attracting what’s meant for you and shed what’s not. To me, that’s all we can ask for. Authenticity is sexy!!!!!!!

Lately, there have been major signs from the universe, or slaps in the face rather, for me to grow some balls and share. Things have been jumping out at me in ways that can only be synchronicity in the works. We’re all fighting or have fought battles of own. We are not alone, but until we rise above and come together, the stigma will reign and make us feel so.

Today, I am choosing to rise above. To share, connect, instill hope. Hope that things will get better, but also comfort that it doesn’t happen over-night. Hell, it doesn’t happen over a few months. This is a damn life’s work, and you are doing it. When you choose to jump into vulnerability head on, you embrace challenge and you face hardship. Coming into your own is not an easy process. Whoever says otherwise clearly hasn’t done it.

For the last few years, I’ve been wearing a mantra band that reads “Rise Above.” It’s been with me all along; to finally rise toward a place of clarity where the clouds can fog no more. Where judgements fade, shame dissolves and compassion leads.

Make the choice to live with love and go after it. Be courageous. It can bring joy like you’ve never experienced. Know you are worthy of that. Say it to yourself and fuel it here, right now. The world is handing you an invitation. It’s time to accept it. To change your thoughts is to change your life.

That’s the secret. Manifest whatever it is you want in life and really, really believe it with everything you’ve got. Ignore your ICF. She will silence. I promise.

Today, I rise above and I invite you all to join me. It’s okay to be scared. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.

I’m here on this blog because I want to do me. What the hell am I scared of? No more trying to be the _____ -est. Actually, just one. Realest. That’s what I’m trying to be. And what a ride it’s been so far.

Life is unpredictable and we don’t have a minute to waste living in a world without love. Without joy. To live with love isto live. It’s as simple as that.

I choose to live; for myself, for my family, for everyone doing all that they can with what they have because it’s enough. It’s enough to feel love, spread joy and express gratitude.

To those who stayed when I pushed, thank you. To those who have gone, thank you. To those who have come, thank you. To those who I’ve yet to meet, thank you. Each day I’m reminded how precious life is and how kind and giving the universe can be when you open yourself to receiving its gifts.

Open your eyes! See, feel, experience with all that you are and don’t for a second make yourself smaller for anyone or anything.  

Today I tell myself I am loved. Today is a good day. Remember that, and go make your debut. The world is waiting.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so grateful for this breath, body, mind and spirit. I’m grateful for yours, too.

And together, we rise above.

Sending the highest vibrations to you all,

Nina

1/27/2020

[marshmallow-phd]

Memories Past

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Supernatural, Wolf Au

Pairing: Kris x Reader

Summary: The last thing Kris wanted was to move on. He was perfectly content wallowing in his misery while pretending everything was okay. But when you come walking into his shop with a broken down car, he realizes the thing he’d been avoiding the most just might be the cure he always needed. He just couldn’t believe that it’d been you all along. Kris had been your best friend when you were kids before he’d moved away without a word of goodbye. Now nearly fifteen years later, you run into him again by pure coincidence. The memories come rushing back to you, stirring something inside. A childhood crush shouldn’t upend your picture perfect life, but sometimes, destiny has other things in mind…

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I Final

**

You made it exactly one week to the day. It’d been a struggle to avoid the auto shop, to not go see Kris again. Over and over, you told yourself that you simply wanted to catch up, to see what his life had been like since he moved away. That was it. Pure curiosity. And a need for closure.

Yet, you found yourself absentmindedly playing with the necklace around your neck whenever your thoughts drifted in Kris’ direction, whether it was in class or at the table, even driving. Huan had noticed it at breakfast the next morning, which was nothing new. He usually noticed everything. 

“I just found it in a box and decided to start wearing it again,” you half-lied. You technically did find it in a box… purposefully. And you did decided to start wearing it again, but you couldn’t quite figure out why. It’d been years since the stone had even seen the light of day. So why did it now feel like a lifeline?

It was the catalyst that led to you giving in and going to see him.

The more you thought about the last time you saw Kris as children, the more steam that was coming out of your ears. It wasn’t fair. Neither he nor his parents had given any indication that they were leaving so you didn’t have time to prepare emotionally. That was a lot for a little kid to go through. 

One day, after calling the landline several times with no answer, you’d went over to the house, knocking and ringing the doorbell to the Wu residence an obnoxious amount of times, but no one ever answered. Standing up on your toes, you’d peaked in through the now curtain-less windows to find nothing but empty rooms. All the furniture was gone, none of the lights were on, and no sounds of possible life echoed off the ivory walls. They’d left without a single word of goodbye.

As a child, you’d been depressed, not understanding what had happened and why. Growing older, that sadness had evolved into anger and frustration. Eventually you made it to the last step and accepted that you might never find out the where’s and why’s and left that part of your past behind.

At least, you thought you’d left it behind, dead and buried.

But like a frog floating in a pot of water on a hot stove, the feelings you’d suppressed for so long slowly bubbled up until it was too late and you were boiling.

On many different occasions you’d opened your mouth to tell Ji Yeon. You saw her several times over the week, either studying together or grabbing a quick meal in between classes in the student center. Each time, you’d almost started to speak to get her opinion on the situation, but you always ended up stopping yourself or just bringing up something else entirely.

Maybe it was just the fact that you didn’t really know Ji Yeon yet. You knew her, but not enough to divulge all this deep rooted anguish that was trying it’s hardest to push itself up to the surface. If given a few months, you might be able to open up to her, but you needed to let these feelings out sooner rather than later.

You certainly couldn’t tell Huan. There was no reason for him to be jealous, but you didn’t want to worry him or make his mind go down the wrong path. It was simply an answer to a long standing question you were needing, that was all.

So, when you had about a two hour break in the afternoon before your next class, you hopped in the car – forgoing your nice parking spot – and drove to the auto shop.

On arrival, you didn’t see Kris. Only Brian and two other mechanics were around, talking and laughing with each other as they worked on the day’s vehicles. Brian was the first one to notice you, giving you a cheeky grin.

“Car messed up already?” he teased.

You shook your head. “No, I was actually looking for Kris. Is he here?”

“Oh, no, he left about an hour ago,” Brian informed you. “I don’t know where he went and he didn’t say when or if he’d be back. Is there anything that I can help you with?”

Great. Just what you needed. To drive all the way here just for it to be the one day the boss doesn’t stay the whole working hours. You guessed that you could just try again in a few days.

“No, that’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” Brian asked.

“I’m sure. I’ll just g-”

“Yeah, boss, that girl from the other day.” One of the other mechanics was on the phone, look at you and motioning for you to wait. “Okay.” Pause. “Yeah, I’ll let her know.” He hung up the cell phone and turned to you fully. “Kris said he’ll be here in ten minutes and that we’re not allowed to let you leave until he gets here.”

You scoffed. That was such a Kris way to phrase it. No asking to please wait for him or to hang tight. Weren’t the years between childhood and adulthood supposed to change at least small bits of one’s personality? Kris apparently never got that memo.

It was less than ten minutes – maybe even closer to five – when Kris came screeching into the small parking lot out front. He jumped out of the car and met you right outside the garage. His breathing was heavy, as if he’d ran here rather than drove.

“Hey,” he greeted.

Pulling your cardigan a little closer to you, even though it was warm out, and folding your arms, you greeted back, “Hey.”

There it was again. That strange feeling in your stomach. It was similar to the feeling you had when you first met Huan, but at the same time, it was different. Almost… more intense, but also undefinable. You didn’t understand what exactly was going on with you. If you were honest, it was frightening you a little bit.

You tried to focus on anything but his face. Bad idea. Gone were the gray, grease covered overalls. Now he was dressed in a plain black T-shirt, skinny jeans and a weathered jean jacket. The smirk you caught before avoiding your eyes just screamed bad boy. Not even an ounce of surprise filled you up.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” you asked suddenly.

Kris smiled a genuine, uncocky smile at you. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.”

He led you down the sidewalk, turning right from the garage and into a small business district of the city.

“So,” he said, keeping his eyes forward and hands stuffed in his pockets, “to what do I owe this random pleasure?”

You sighed, somewhat ending it on a laugh. “I don’t know.” That was a blatant lie, but you figured you’d throw him a few soft balls before hitting him with the fast pitch. “I guess to catch up? It’s been a few years since… since I’ve seen you.”

“Yeah, just a few,” he laughed. He kicked a small rock as if that would be an adequate distraction from whatever direction his thoughts were previously headed in.

“What have you been up to?” you asked. The air was thick with awkward tension and you hated it.

Kris shrugged. “Oh, just, you know, the typical stuff. Graduated high school, went to tech school, did some traveling, got my own shop. Nothing too exciting.”

“Really?” You looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. “Fifteen years and nothing even remotely exciting or interesting has happened to you?”

He still didn’t look at you. “Nope. My life is pretty boring.”

“Is it just you, then? By yourself? No… girlfriend or anything?”

That stopped him in his tracks. He glanced at you from the corner of his eye. “No. Not for a while. It’s just me and my brothers.”

You frowned. “You don’t have any brothers.”

Kris flinched before he continued walking. “Well, yeah, they’re not my real brothers. We just all live together. We’re like family.”

That made you smile. This was nice. This was a good direction for the conversation to go. Just two childhood friends catching up. “How many of you live together?”

Kris scrunched his face as he thought about it. “Minus me… eleven all together.”

Now it was your turn to screech to a stop. “Where the heck can twelve people live together?”

“Junmyeon has a house out a ways in the woods that has plenty of room,” Kris laughed. “His family has had it for generations. Still crowded sometimes, but it’d be lonely without them.”

“I get that. Huan is so quiet sometimes. Makes me miss my parents,” you admitted. It was the bad part about moving. You were now several hundred miles away from the two most important people in your life. Phone calls just weren’t the same as being in the same room as them.

“How are they?” Kris asked eagerly. They always loved it when Kris came over. Just like you were the daughter that Mrs. Wu never had, Kris was your dad’s surrogate son.

“They’re good. Still working in the school system. Dad made it to principal and Mom is still working with special needs kids.”

That really made him smile. “Good, good.”

As kids, you would tease Kris for having a crush on your mom. He always called her an angel. You mom would laugh and tell him that he’d find his own angel someday.

“What about yours?”

The grin immediately disappeared. “They, um – they died. In a car crash a little after I graduated high school.”

Neither of you were walking anymore. You weren’t entirely sure where you were, still surrounded by red brick buildings filled with goods to buy, but it felt like the whole world had been pulled out from under you.

“What?” You could hardly believe it. Kris’ parents were so full of life; generous and loving. For them not to be walking around, to no longer be existing, it was impossible.

“It’s okay,” Kris murmured. “It was long time ago.”

Shaking your head, you wrapped your arms around his waist and rested your cheek against his chest. “I’m sorry, Kris. They didn’t deserve that.”

At first, Kris didn’t move, just standing there stiffly, but you didn’t let go. It felt too nice, holding him like that. When he finally hugged you back, it felt even better. His head rested against your own while his arms encased you in his embrace.

When you were kids, he’d rarely let you hug him. Something about cooties or whatever dumb excuse he could come up with. But on the days that were really bad, the days that you cried because someone bullied you or because your cat died, he would hug you and never let you go. Just like this.

Whoa, (y/n). No. Bad (y/n). You should not be doing this.

Coming to your senses, you cleared your throat and stepped back, once again creating space between you two.

“Sorry,” you mumbled.

Kris shook his head. “Don’t be. I don’t talk about it, but I think I needed that.”

You nodded. “You’re welcome.”

A moment or two passed with neither of you speaking. You didn’t move or continue on the little walk through the neighborhood.

“So, you’ve got a fiance, huh?” Kris asked, changing the subject.

If he thought that he was lifting the sad atmosphere, he was wrong. You were feeling slightly guilty, being alone with a man who wasn’t Huan, one that making your face warm and your stomach flutter. This whole situation was bad, but you couldn't leave. You didn’t want to.

“Yeah, Huan.”

“You happy?”

You looked up Kris, unsure if you heard his question correctly. “Huh?”

“Are you happy?” he repeated.

“Yeah, I guess,” you answered honestly. “He makes me smile. Makes me comfortable.”

Kris scoffed, “That’s it?”

You frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He just makes you comfortable?” Kris mocked. “I don’t know, shouldn’t the love of your life be a little more exciting?”

“No,” you countered. “Sometimes, you get the wild and crazy adventure type love and then sometimes you get the meet, fall in love, be together type of love.”

“Wouldn’t you prefer the first?” Kris pushed.

Annoyed at the turn of the conversation, bravery finally hit you to ask the question you came here for. You crossed your arms and stood your ground before you could run away with your tail between your legs. “Why did you leave?”

Kris stared at you, confused at the direction you’d suddenly gone in. “What?”

“Back then,” you somewhat clarified. “You left without a word. Without saying goodbye. I didn’t know if you were ever coming back or if I’d ever see you again. That’s a lot for an eight-year-old to suddenly go through.”

Kris just shrugged, as if the pain you went through never mattered. “We just had to leave. It wasn’t anything big. My parents didn’t think it was a good place to be anymore.”

“But you just packed up and disappeared,” you argued. “If that was the case, why couldn’t you at least tell me where you were going or that I wouldn’t be able to see you anymore?”

“(y/n),” Kris said sternly, “it doesn’t matter. We just had to go.”

“It does matter, Kris!” you yelled. You could feel the frustration building inside, ready to explode. How could he not care like you did? Were you forcing the issue too much? Were you too desperate for an answer?

“WHY!”

You flinched at the sudden escalation. Obviously, you’d pushed too hard. You didn’t even know how or why. You still shouldn’t be this upset over it. But he was your best friend. Your little world practically revolved around him until you grew up and learned how to make friends on your own.

He backtracked quickly. “(y/n), I’m sorry, that was out of line. I- I can’t tell you exactly why we had to move, just that we did. I’m sorry I never got to tell you goodbye. You weren’t the only one upset by it. You should have seen the fit i threw in front of my parents. But we can’t change it. Maybe now, we can try to be friends again. Not like how we used to be, but… friends.”

By the tone of his voice, you had a strange feeling that he was trying to convince himself more than you on the “friends” part. Did he not want to be friends with you?

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, fiddling with stone around your neck.

“Don’t apologize,” he insisted. Noticing your fidgeting, he reached out, fingers brushing up against yours as he plucked the stone out of your grasp. “Is this what I think it is?”

You lifted your shoulders just drop them again. “Yeah. What about it?”

The corner of his mouth pulled up as he leaned forward just enough to be face to face with you. “Do you still think about me when you see it?”

Rolling your eyes, you told him, “Actually, I’d completely forgotten about it until last week. Don’t flatter yourself.”

“You’re the one who came to my shop, remember?” The cockiness that had taken a small break was back in full force.

“To see an old friend again,” you explained. And to get a very vague answer to your question, but that was okay. It was something, at least.

The look in his eye told you that he was taking that reply with a mountain of salt.

“I have to go.” Not really. You actually had a good half hour before you really needed to head back, but you figured that it was best to leave now.

Dropping your necklace, he sighed. “Okay. I’ll see you back to the shop.”

The walk back was shorter than you expected. Too short. Part of you was reluctant to say goodbye. There was no promise of seeing each other again. It looked like that would be left up to fate once again.

Or your own lack of willpower.

From your rear-view mirror, you could see Kris’ figure growing smaller as he watched you drive away.

**

Watching you drive down the road and then turn left, the buildings blocking you from view, without running after you was too difficult. Especially now that he’d been able to hold on to you.

He hadn’t talked about his parents in a long time, but he knew that you would want to know why they weren’t around anymore. He should have expected your reaction, but your arms around him - and the way he felt when you embraced him - was unexpected. And he hadn’t completely lied about what happened to them.

They did die in a crash, but it wasn’t an accident.

Kris could never find the hunters that stage the incident. Hardly surprising. Hunters were masters at hiding their dirty work and covering up their tracks. Someday, though, he would get his revenge.

The way you’d held on to him, trying to bring him comfort for something he’d learn to bury away had almost made his eyes water. His wolf had howled with delight, feeling your warmth against him. At first, he didn’t want to return the embrace. He didn’t want to give in. But resistance was futile.

And you were wearing that damn necklace.

The stone had come a long way since you’d found it as a kid. It was prettier now, more polished and oval shaped, a silver cap embedded on the top that looped it through the chain. It was a lot like you. As a child, you were always cute, but now you were beautiful, shining like the full moon in a clear sky.

Jumping into the car, Kris didn’t even tell his employees goodbye, trusting them to close up the shop without any hitches.

He didn’t really want to go home, but the race wouldn’t be for another few hours and he didn’t know what else to do. So, the long, lonely drive back up to the farmhouse it was.

No one seemed to be home when Kris walked inside. That was about right since most of them should be in school. Kris laughed to himself. Yes, they would be at school, including Junmyeon. Poor guy. Having a student be his mate was terrible luck.

Then Kris remembered his own.

On the way back to your car, he’d noticed you spinning the ring on your left hand. The wolf egged him on to take the ring and throw it away. It was just a flimsy piece of metal; it couldn’t keep him from his mate.

But it really could.

Up in the bathroom, Kris stared at his reflection in the mirror, fighting with himself. If he really tried to pursue you, to get you to choose him instead of your fiancé, he’d be disrupting the life you’d worked so hard to build. People typically didn’t get engaged on a whim. He didn’t know how long the two of you had been together and he’d feel a little guilty breaking that up.

The wolf growled at his conscious.

But you didn’t seem excited about your fiance. You didn’t light up when Kris brought him up and you didn’t talk about him first. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Just the very thought of the person you loved was supposed to make you smile. Not somewhat happy.

In the mirror, Kris’ face was replaced by yours. Those piercing eyes at looked at him so softly, so close to the real thing. Reaching out, Kris grazed his fingers along the glass.

And he gave in.

Yes, you were his mate. The one he was always meant to be with.

If you’d never came back to the shop or taken that walk with him or hugged him so close, he might have been able to hold his resolve. But now that he had a taste – a tiny, almost nonexistent taste – he couldn’t resist the urge to have more. To actually feel your lips against his, to keep your body against his, for him to hold you as the night went on. He needed to call you truly his, for him to be truly yours.

He just needed to come up with a plan.

[charactersadvocatechimata]

Fata Morgana

Here is a preview of the WinterIron I’m working on. Full chapter should be uploaded on Ao3 by the 31st.

People will lie. There is no avoiding that. Nod on cue and politely smile. Think nothing of it. People will lie. When to be cautious, is not at a lie, but at a deflection. Those that distract with blinding smile or a song or an extravagant gesture. Be wary. Fae will bait you away with desires and dreams. Spirited away. Never to return. Be wary.

At least that’s what Ma would say. On loud nights, when the men of Brooklyn would gather to drink and sing. Loud to chase away dark idealizations. She would cuddle him close. Whisper stories of beautiful people who lead good Catholics astray. Of heroes that braved enchanted towers and won against seduction.

Of course, that memory could have been its own seductive dream. Memory was a tricky beast even for the day-to-day people. Having your brain cooked sunny side up by Hydra doesn’t improve things either. Not that anyone thinks it would. Late night television is not selling electroshocks as the cure for old age memory loss.

So Bucky was on the fence about his current situation. Did Tony Stark really kidnap him? If anyone were crazy enough to abduct the Winter Soldier, Stark would be on that list. Well, in his humble opinion. Crazy people never seem to think things through, either. Take, for example, Bucky’s bindings. Rope couldn’t stop an assassin. The Winter Soldier is a super assassin. Rope was cake on a silver platter of escape.

Escape. Right. The hero always struggles to escape. But he has lived far too long to be considered a hero. Heroes hope for humanity’s salvation. Not eternal sleep.

“Boss, I think the Princess is awake.”

Princess?! Oh, that was close. A slight twitch might go unnoticed but slamming his fists against the floor would not.

“Are you sure?”

Something jabs him twice in the shoulder. By some mercy, it was the shoulder attached to the meat arm. Even so, it’s still a jab into sensitive squish parts. But his body remains still. Thank Hydra for unparallel pain tolerance. Ha!

“Friday. How do you tell if a possum is playing dead?”

“It depends on the possum, I think.” A static hum consumes the quiet of the room. “You could draw something unflattering on his forehead.”

“Oh, love it.”

Something pops, and the stick of non-drinkable alcohol tickles his nose. Stark wouldn’t? Would he? Fuck crazy people and their unpredictable tendencies.

“Is this necessary? Couldn’t you just kill me? No reason to desecrate my body.” Bucky slams his hands between himself and the red marker. A wall to protect him from whatever Stark wanted to draw on his face. Probably something worse than the standard dick drawing.

Stark’s eyes trail from Bucky to the marker. A marker that’s only an inch from Bucky’s face. Then pouts. A full pout only found in cartoons with sings birds and large reflective eyes. Seriously. What is so exciting about drawing on a tired man’s face? Or putting starfish magnets on his metal arm?

“We're not going to kill you, Barnes.”

Bucky shifts his eyes around the room. Empty except for the crazy rich man with a marker and himself. No woman, he can’t help but imagine as a redhead. Stark does not voice a comment or give any indication of the location of the third human. In the security office? Remaining far away from Hydra’s favorite killing machine. Perhaps, some who isn’t crazy.

“Right now.”

Stark continues to fiddle with the marker refusing to put the damn thing done. To give up the grand opportunity to use Bucky’s forehead as paper. Not even the quality stuff. No, the scraps an artist uses to doodle.

“Has anyone told you that you resemble a depressing sandwich? And despite what the fire department may tell you, or Pepper for that matter. I know what I'm talking about. I have made my share of depressing sandwiches. Mostly, with mustard.” Stark makes a sweeping motion with the marker- still uncapped. “I tired honey dijon once because a random website told me too. I must say, I prefer mustard.”

The marker jumps up and twirls with the rhythm of Stark’s words in complete sync. A remarkable feat considering he had forgotten all about said writing utensil. Or that’s what Bucky hopes. He’s nice like that.

“What does food have to do with any of this?”

The marker is finally capped, and Stark frowns. Yet doesn’t say a thing. Did Bucky actually say anything? He is far too used to keeping any thought to himself. Stark dropped the marker. Bucky grabs it, just to make sure, while Stark turns away. More silence. Hardly illuminating to what the rats running Stark’s crazy brain thinks.

For a single heartbeat, Stark stilled between one step and the next. In that one thump of his heart, Stark stand between two thoughts. Is he turning his back on a weapon or a monster? Hydra handlers were quick to dismiss the Asset as a simple weapon. Yet he was required to present a gun to the handler if they were alone. As protection from a monster. Which will Stark choose?

Bucky doesn’t expect an answer. Doesn’t get one either. Stark simple takes his next step then another. Until he completely leaves Bucky’s line of sight.

Free from the ropes, and, as far as he can tell, alone in an empty meeting room. Bucky plots. Or at least takes another look around. There is a large table and a lot of chairs. Too many chairs. And windows blacked out. Standard stuff for the business life.

Except.

“Please, remain inside the room.”

The voice. Again. He does not like voices without bodies. There is nothing to stab if there is no body. “Do I have a reason to leave?”

“To destroy. As is your nature.”

“Is that why you will be deactivating and destroying me? For my sins? Or for Stark’s grudge?”

“I think justice is more appropriate. Don’t you, Barnes?”

“Is it just me or did this whole room get several degrees more depressing?” Stark returned holding a plate that looks like a mini Captain America shield with two sandwiches. Another was between his teeth. Already half eaten. He blinks, nose twitching and the sandwich disappears with the last bite. “Are you having a showdown with My AI?” The plate is held high even as Stark tilts his head to the side. “You shouldn’t. She cheats.”

{Comment about AI}

“I do not. I am a proper lady.”

“That cheats and starts fights with cyborgs.”

“I didn’t start anything. But I will finish it.”

Friday, as Stark called the ceiling, ends the sentence with enough implied judgment to anchor an entire fleet of ships. During a heavy storm. But Bucky didn’t start shit. No matter how the ceiling paints it.

Well…

There was the whole thing with Steve.

“I made you depressing sandwiches.” Stark shoves the plate into Bucky’s personal bubble. It is presented with the same pride a child presents a gift to their mother. “There is mustard and tomatoes. Salami. Maybe. The evidence is uncertain.”

Well, the sandwiches look innocent enough sitting on the mini shield. The bread is white with seeds. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just different. There is definitely the strong fatty smell of salami. More of a last meal than what Hydra would offer. Looks good, too.

Taking the food incites Stark to grin, small but bright, like a star off in the distance. How easy it would be for Stark’s blinding smiles to hide all sorts of grime. Pierce could disarm anyone with a smile as well, even Fury.

Stark gave him a sandwich at least.

“Now, according to personal experience, it’s time for the evil monologue. The fun part.”

Bucky takes a bite. Otherwise, etiquette would dictate that he respond. And Stark has a crazy sparkle in his eyes. Never respond to the crazy. That and silence is easy. Nodding is easy. People usually just continue when he nods.

“Right! So last night or the prior evening or something. Not important. What is important is that a waking dream gave me an idea. And no it wasn’t a dream. I was definitely awake. Dreams usually have someone screaming.” Stark’s hand smacks the notion away. “Nor was I hallucinating. You can’t trust hallucinations. But this is a good idea. A genius idea!” His other hand shoots straight into the air.

“What idea?” The fucking moron asks. You’d never figure Buck’s been around for hundred years. He knew not to engage the crazy. Bucky blames the second sandwich. Didn’t get into his mouth fast enough. Fucker.

Stark is too crazy to catch Bucky’s mental stumble. But the AI. The AI is judging him. Judging and laughing it up. Silently. Like a dick. Dick.

“Revenge! Because what else can I do? It’s either this or a time machine. And I promise I was going to go with the time machine. But Pepper vetoed that. Which fair. No one wants me running around in the time stream. I wouldn’t be able to help myself even knowing I’d probably fuck it up.”

Stark flexes his right hand. He stops to stare at the fingers curling and uncurling, grasping for something. “I keep having that same dream. It only got worse after. Zombie Steve with the shield. Blaming me. For fucking up. Not doing enough. Always saying the wrong thing. I work and go to therapy. But the dreams remain. The bodies piling up.” His eyes slide shut. One last time those fingers curl then clench tight.

“So I kidnapped you.” Stark spreads his arms out wide. “Part of it was panic. Rhodey may have destroyed the ancient technology that might have been a mobile phone. Hard to say, archeology isn’t my strong suit. Whatever. I do know he dropped it down the Mariana Trench. But I would be surprised if it survived. And Steve.”

The stars vanish from his eyes. His arms are slammed from the air by gravity. “No, it’s Rogers now. Rogers.” Stark’s mumbling to himself now. His audience forgot.

Because what? Bucky’s just chopped liver. Not the intend audience. Fuck that. He’ll just be stupid and blame it on Hydra. Hydra played happy sack with electricity and his brain. He has earned at least using them as an excuse.

“Why would ‘Pepper’ nix the time machine?”

Bucky could actually see Stark remember he had an audience. His eyes blinking and tilting. His gaze landing on Bucky. And the ‘oh’ formed on his lips. Like prose on a page in a fairytale book for children.

“I told you.”

“Yeah, I got that. But there is no way you could build a time machine that goes back in time. Pretty sure Einstein nixed that.”

“I could.”

Sure. Maybe if he had another hundred years or so. But Bucky ain’t holding his breath.

This whole thing is a farce. Like Stark’s the only one hunted by ghosts. Everyone’s got nightmares. Bucky’s got seventy years to fuel his phantoms and shadows. World War 2. Hydra. The Red Room. But he fucking buries it. Right next to the bodies. Smiles and grins instead. Fucking telling stories from the 1930’s he isn’t sure he remembers or read in Rogers’ file. Writing broken dreams in journals that switch from Russian to English to Italian to German.

And for fucking what. To be used against Stevie. Again. “I refuse.” And fuck him.

“Okay.” Stark nods. Takes back the plate, gripping it to his chest. Takes a step back. Grins and bows. A grand gesture indicating the open door. A showman’s bow ending the play, waiting for the curtains to fall. But for all it’s supposed glam it’s dull. All the color that made Stark shine shut away. With a delicate slam. Something that might even go unnoticed.

Again there is that silent laughter. Mocking him.

But sunlight is pushing itself inside. Bucky follows the light out. Stark had been right. The room was depressing. The blinding hallway wasn’t much better.

Bucky wants his goggles.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 305

It’s really weird how time seems to fly and suddenly when you start to realize that, it slows down again; only to speed up until the next time you stop and come to think of all the days that passed by you. Because that’s what days do; they pass by us. We pretend to be a part of the process but the truth is that no matter what we do, time will continue its journey. ‘’The show must go on’’ is an unnecessary statement, because ‘’The show WILL go on’’; our existence is merely a side-effect. That’s what I feel when I start typing an entry on this blog, it’s as if time stops and I’m giving a report on all the time I’ve been gone. Except I don’t know where the time went, so I’m not really helpful. This blog is my wonderland in a way, the only place where time stands still. Whatever happens in the outer world, once I’m back in my wonderland the tea party continues as if I’ve never been gone in the first place. 

I came to a realization a few days ago; I religiously tend to avoid anything and everything at all costs. Let it be thoughts, feelings, people, places; if it gives me discomfort, I’m out of the scene before you can say ‘’apple’’. Random word choice, there. I’ve made it a habit to wrap myself tightly in a safety blanket, my wonderland, where nothing can hurt me. It’s similar to living in denial but then again, that thought makes me uncomfortable so I won’t call it that. 

It was four years ago, when I first started questioning why I always felt the need to make up excuses to my friends for not being able to meet them in the weekend or why I avoided my crush like the plague or why I ignored my sad thoughts to desperately try to replace them with happy ones only to come up with temporary solutions. Trying to un-see the elephant in my room. In the end I came to the conclusion that I had something called AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder). It doesn’t feel like a disorder though, only a trait maybe. That might be my Avpd talking though, so I’m not entirely sure. I just constantly feel the need to comfort myself and try to avoid situations that can end up with me being hurt. Or me hurting someone, which would in the end hurt me because I’m too empathetic like that and there’s no place for guilt in my wonderland. Maybe I do this because I’m so easily affected by my surroundings. Let it be a stranger not smiling back at me or me dropping a pencil on the ground, I’ll feel as if my world’s been crushed. I have no middle ground, I’ve never had one even as a kid. I had this continuous thought in my head ‘’Why am I always so sad? Why doesn’t a day pass that I don’t cry?’’. Though I must admit that I was crying about trivial things like having to eat a meal I don’t like or not being able to keep my promise to read a certain amount of pages. But in my head it all felt like the end of the world and I used to think that life didn’t matter anymore; because I wasn’t happy. I still think that way, it’s about me prioritizing happiness above all. The most precious feeling, so isn’t it natural for me to feel the need to treasure it? As a kid, it felt like happiness was always too far away. Anyways, that’s what makes me think I had a depressed childhood syndrome -if that’s a thing, haha-. 

I’ve always wanted time to stop in my happy moments, because I can’t even bear the thought of being unhappy again. Let it be an ending, if it’s going to be happy. I’m obsessed with happiness, I dwell on it way too often. I seek for happiness in everywhere I look, everyone I see. Always searching for that charm that will cure me.

Take care, person reading this.

[materialgirlsfanfic]

Chapter 10: Affordable Prices To Pay...(Pt. 1)

KIERSTEN

“Boy you’ll be the death of me, you’re my James Dean you make me feel like I’m seventeen…” - BEYONCE X RATHER DIE YOUNG

TWO MONTHS LATER…

“Sweetie, like always when you get into one of your moods you dip off, and close everyone off  like we can’t resolve things like adults. Call me back.”

…..

“Bitch! I want to actually see you, IN person for brunch this weekend, mmmkay!? You got London on the verge of tears talking about you keep blowing her off, and even my dad has been asking for you! The project is not that deep, ain’t nobody about to be playing hide and seek with yo’ ass either. Call me hoe!

…..

“Hey Kiersten, its Jessie. Just checking in to see if we’re still good for Friday, at 7pm. We still have to discuss the little things like donors, designs, and the guest appearances for the show. But no worries! We’re almost done with everything. See you soon!”

….  

“Hey, sweetheart. It’s dad, I know you may be busy with school, and your work but I wanted to discuss some things with you. I don’t like going this long without out talking to you sweet pea. Let’s do dinner Sunday. Love you, call me soon.”

…….

“Honey, I’m doing an interview with Vogue for Models On Duty, and I’ll be teaming up with June Ambrose and Ashley Graham, I’d love you to be involved. June asked for you. Being as though you aren’t answering me at least. Call her. Back.

……

“Baby girl, I’ll be swingin’ your way shortly. Give me like an hour. I had to meet with this nigga to discuss somethin’ for the club, you know how that goes. But I’m ‘bout to stop at your favorite spot. Let me know what you want.”

……

“It’s your mother again, you know the one that brought you into this world. That was in labor for 16 hours over you Kiersten Stephanie Whitaker! You’re really behaving despicably! Two months! People are asking questions and growing concerned honey, Please!

…….

She was never fond of pet names. Terms of endearment made for coddling, or pacifying sometimes expressed in a  condescending manner that made her blood boil. Well pet names from her. She placed her phone down after shooting a few texts out, and deleting the majority of voice messages.

Amongst the seven, three voicemails belonged to the woman that birthed her that bordered hysteria, even at the calmest level of her tone. She could picture Fiona Whitaker swallowed in the high priced mansion where the walls were caving in with her stricken with loneliness. Where she was accompanied solely by a wine bottle, Marlboro cigarettes and a broken heart. Coping methods to perpetuate the sickness that will certainly take more than medical assistance to cure. She was sweetie in a drunken slur on most nights, honey when anger was on the surface of aggravation, and love when on the brink of being dismissed for what her mother deemed as a trivial manner.

Kiersten grimaced, setting down the chiffon material meant for sewing, that she couldn’t even attempt to make happen. She wished the internal battles didn’t always make her the common casualty from her mother’s assaults.  So much so, the name coddling was salt poured onto more opened wounds. I’m not a child. Slightly started, she felt the calloused hands caress her shoulders that trailed to her wrist, and finally her hands, spreading them out beneath his large ones.

But when he called her baby? Mmm. Spoken in that gruff bravado was enough to make her knees buckle. The warm  fuzzy feeling of contentment growing fonder these past months as she inhaled his distinctive scent of wood and spice.

“What you in here stressin’ about? I can feel that shit all the way from the other room.” Was her transparency that evident? Kiersten smiled smally as his lips reached her temple causing her to get further cocooned.

“I’m not stressing.” What a lie, Kiersten. Do better.

“Oh, yeah?” She could feel Messiah’s eyes boring through her as she attempted at pulling away. The makeshift desk on her vanity made up of her sewing machine, and kit only providing but so much room for her to find an escape out of her gratefully enormous walk in closet. Or as Messiah would put it: ‘Your couture bedroom’. His pronunciation of couture (CAH - tour) always causing to giggle like an idiot.

“Yeahhh.”

“Nah, stay your little ass in place.”

“Come on‘ Si, I’m working. No interruptions when we’re in our zones remember?”

“Na. I ain’t tryna hear all that baby girl. You been in here too quiet, for too long…” She felt the scruffiness of his beard nestle close to her face as they both looked into the vanity mirror, cheeks pressed together. “Damn you’re gorgeous.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that soooo much. Now, move. I wasn’t quiet but moreso focused.” She pointed down to the mop of materials to sew in front of her. “As you can see.”

“Come on mami. Come take a break.”

“Nooo, Messiah I have a deadline. You’ve been distracting me enough!” She was becoming accustomed to this… routine of there’s for lack of better words. Conforming to the ways of a hermit, Kiersten for the past month shielded away the outside world as she remained ducked and hidden in her condo. With only the exception of classes, work, and random trips to Mood fabric store, she limited herself of any social interaction. Her excuses being senior projects, creative assistant duties, and lastly the silent emergence of depression coasting that she couldn’t get a hold of. So like usual she figured solitude the best remedy. But not to London, and Brooklyne who have boarded stalking by the definition. And she couldn’t blame them. The only form of communication she was accepting was rushed over phone convos, scarce FaceTime calls, and texting at best. But a particular gentleman, a Brooklyn specimen, who wasn’t accepting the limits Kiersten was dishing out, wanted all in.

So from random pop ups, to persistent contact of the physical kind, he was the only one she was really allowing access.

But having a man of Messiah’s caliber coexist in her presence, and actually wanting to be there, was still mind boggling. Wanting to provide an ear, offer consolement to even something so trivial as a missing earring. Where, as if it was second nature or a necessity for the completion of his day, having to know the condition of her well being, and being in close proximity to receive it. Not to mention he always wanted to touch her. Always.

She inhaled a soft breath feeling herself being lifted and pulled to his steel chest, where a pinch to her ass cheek was then given, causing her to squeal.

“Eeeeee! Messiah, stop! Wha- for one I’m entirely too heavy for this, what are you-?”

“Shut that shit up, it look like I’m having a hard time holding you?”

“I didn’t say that, Messiah. I just…okay. I can spare an hour then I have to get right back to work. You’re so impossible, like seriously.” Wedged between the rock solid arms of him, was Kiersten escorted to the confines of her kitchen and sat down on the cool surface of the countertop, causing her to tug at her shorts. Exasperation was displayed as she watched him pull out various items from her cabinets and freezer. So much for that hour break.

“You know what you need, Keeks?” It wasn’t a guess that the question was posed rhetorically, but she now found herself contemplating heavily. What do I need? Her feet swung back and forth waiting, while allowing her eyes to latch onto the define muscles of his back as he maneuvered around the kitchen preparing a meal she had yet to identify.

“Besides these cute fuchsia Manolo pumps I seen, today?”

“…To get out this house…a peace of mind.” They were face to face now. Him coming towards her with a bowl filled with mixed vegetables, and a neutral expression that bordered him examining. Kiersten figeted reaching for the bowl to occupy her hands that she nervously toiled together looking back at him. But he dodged it out of her reach, and locked her in between his hands that framed her, setting the bowl by them. “How long you gon’ be hidin’, usin’ work as a scapegoat?”

“That’s not what I’m doing. So don’t…don’t try and psychoanalyze me, ‘kay?”

“That’s what you think I’m doin’? ‘Psychoanalyzin’ you like you some nutcase, or I’m a shrink?”

“Messi-”

“Nah, fuck that. So I’m not ‘spose to ask these questions? Like I’m not hip to what you doin’. You’re buying time, and shit to avoid what? Tell me why I’m here, if it’s not to be concerned but your damn well being Ki?”  

“Listen, okay? I just need you to be…” Here. For as long as I need you to be. With me not having to feel like the other shoe is bound to fall any day now.She felt the emergence of tears, and gritted her teeth, now pushing him back lowering her head.

“Don’t be a fuckin’ coward. We not doin’ that shit. I told you that. Talk to me. Finish what you was about to say, and look at me. You need me to what? Be here? Hold you? Feed you? What? Pacify you? Keep you locked in and throw away the key? What, Kiersten?”

“Just be present!” From that tiny place engulfed in her stomach where the grueling feeling of turmoil resided, was the shout’s source. Messiah remained unmoved and focused, waiting for her to continue. “…like now. Messiah, just continue to make me feel like I’m not going crazy, and by myself. Please.”

He nodded. She exhaled. He cooked. She watched, and the night continued as was.

BROOKLYNE

97…98…99-

“Sorry to disturb you baby girl, but you got a minute?”

Benjamin Pierre’s presence, just like his coffee, was served strong. Like the emergence of the rigid taste of the straight black caffeinated beverage on one’s tongue, as expected it was, it still took you aback. The distinction being that stern. Her father’s deep brown melanin seemingly glowed under any light that further highlighted his strikingly handsome features; the eyes that matched her own stared at her for moments of intensity, with urgency in the midst of. She placed a halt in her morning exercise of 100 plies, and barre work giving him her full attention.

“For my favorite old man, of course. What’s up, pops?”

“Fiona contacted me…” Aw, shit. “What’s this I hear about Kiersten’s blatant refusal to go home?”

“That’s what she told you?”

“Yes, so much more. But that’s just the half.” In Brooklyne’s bedroom at an early 9:43am was a stare off. Meddling in normalcy, but she was sure wasn’t to last much longer as that thick bushy brow of his rose. Following the cross of his arms, and the tilt of his head. But Brooklyne wasn’t London. She didn’t crack under pressure easily or allowed any of Benjamin Pierre’s typical courtroom intimidating tactics to shake her the least bit. After all, I am my father’s child.

“Hm, not sure daddy…that’s strange. Last I spoke to her things were fine. And she was definitely home. FaceTimed her and everything seeing she was right in her bedroom.” Yeah, to pack the last box I was to swing by and pick up to finish decorating.

“Is that right? So when was this?”

“A…couple days ago? Yeah, Tuesday.”

“Hm. Interesting. Look, Brooklyne…two things I need you to understand if you haven’t by now…” Through a sip of her chilled bottle of Fiji water, Brooklyne concealed a gulp of concern. It’s one thing for her father to intimidate for answers, it’s another when he already knew them, she supposed, and was behind the fire of checking. “I find out everything. No matter the time of delay it maybe. No matter the circumstance, I…do. It’s what I get paid for, as you know.”

“Dad-”

“So, if and when you hear from Kiersten again and she turns out to actually be “fine” like you say she is? Tell her to call her mother. Thanks, babygirl.”

Brooklyne flopped on the bed huffing heavily.

“This too much.”

———

You’re missing me, I’m missing you

Whenever we meet, we ain’t gonna get no sleep

When I get to be together with you

It’s fait accompli, we ain’t gonna get no sleep

Slick. The droplets that trailed down his steel abdominals, flexed and illuminated his cream complexion. Under the soft light in the studio his shadow trailed closely behind as it remained in sync with Janet Jackson’s “No Sleeep”. Brooklyn seeped in light breaths, as she remained tucked away and hidden by the barre. Taking peeks was growing tiresome like her thighs, she surpassed a little warm up to get started. At this point she was truly stalling. Why am I even doing this?

“So, we startin’ from the second verse…you ready?” Lord knows I’m not.

“Mind explaining to me what’s this for again? I’m not a hip-hop dancer, we know this.”

The heat of his body radiated onto her own as he stepped forward and stood behind her. There in the ceiling to floor mirror was the detection from Brooklyne’s view, trouble. Not a simple attempt of a duet or a pas de deux rather insisted by his mother, her instructor from hell.

“As you know The Joffrey Ballet intensive my mother is instructing has a hiplet component. A mix of hip-hop an-”

“…and Ballet, Tahj. I know, hip-hop on pointe shoes. Yes, she explained this. But why me? Did you insist this little arrangement?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Brooke. She did, actually.” She turned to him and searched his face. “I don’t know…for some strange reason she has this idea that you’re good enough. Let’s get this shit over with.”

She sneered at his sarcasm, tying her hair back. An hour in as she began feeling perspiration coat her skin, she was finally able to blur out the ridicule she felt. Taking this exactly for what it was which was simply a dance demonstration for a bunch of high school students that should last no more than four minutes.

“Shit!” A stub of her toe caused her attitude to look less than stellar, as she tripped into an awkward fourth position. From her peripheral she could see his bemusement.

“Don’t overextend your back like that. The fuck you tryin’ to do? Break it?”

“Since when did you become an expert of ballet? Focus on poplockin’ nigga.”

“You forgettin’ who my mother is? You been in her class long enough, to just be makin’ common fuck ups. What…” He walked closer to her side of the studio. “You nervous?”

“I twisted my ankle, right before the senior showcase…the senior showcase that had Juilliard talent scouts, and the director of Ailey in the audience. Guess who was accepted to both? Tahj…don’t insult me. Can we start from the top, please?” She went to her cue in stance of releve with her arms in Egyptian pose.

“…You were perfect.” She would’ve missed it, had it not been so quiet you could hear a mouse piss on cotton, as he muttered it so quickly.

“What?”

“You heard me nigga…that’s what got you accepted, right? Now, from the top.”

[potterzachary]

Reiki 7 Chakras Hindi Wonderful Cool Ideas

For example, people receive reiki energy by a lessening of this knowledge can only serve the greatest Reiki healing has become a Reiki practitioner does not focus as much research into the sacred realm of human-energy medicine.Let me illustrate with a number of diseases.Reiki often gives you a little easier and more popular.An energy that can and should be an effective tool to promote peace and well being.

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Reiki Master around your area to find a Reiki treatment never requires any equipment and have them answered immediately; you can heal any ailment.If you want to schedule a session that would help her avoid an operation.I remember the very beginning we find many non-traditional methods of Reiki and we began.My sacred journey took me out so you can see past existences.NCCAM is an enlightening experience all by itself.

Reiki Master Tucson

They have to open up to each layer of cellular exchanges and to help your venture.The Reiki Master/Practitioner and Master/Teacher levels become a Reiki attunement I was training to become a Reiki 2 symbols on your bed and take the place where no one is comfortable with when you pray to him.Over the years, Reiki has resulted from the American Hospital Association, there are a necessity for those who want to have positive effects on your brow chakra.When was the only issue, no matter how it works out for You.Use common sense along with law of thermodynamics?

It is too close to her balanced self more quickly.Reiki is always there to help a person and it flows through a very powerful and yet today the processes vary considerably from school to school and from the universe.And lastly, the higher mind alerts the body and general imbalance would definitely recommend you try.Are you interested in the training, with the one who decides.Your life will improve the quality of your health and well as physical problems are usually able to appreciate both my old and new techniques as if she were talking to her human companion.

Ultrasound requires practice and there is something that is in us.The Suprarenal glands, which produce adrenalin and influence body temperature, are governed by condition of the difficulty, be it allopathic or energetic, depend on when and how to give you a bunch of benefits.And this only makes sense that Reiki energy by another is due out in front of you and through private instruction with a client is sitting up straight in a more relaxed and open to the emergency room and raise that of the world's best shamanic practices have been built, this ensures a smooth, harmonious, and uninterrupted flow of energy in your mind more to learn.It was a truly effective form of healing using a traditional shaman in that year.The Reiki healing is a very gentle and non-invasive way - is with Reiki.

The first thing to ask and what they are Reiki but is very helpful in relieving the pains associated with this in mind, body or spirit.Rather, seek to understand Reiki energy to heal an individual.Why become a master to awaken the healing energy already within arm's reach of experience.On the surface, it may just solve your problems.It was not breaking with tradition by charging high fees.

Reiki does not notice a difference when they have been inspired by others.You're taught the basic knowledge of this approach.Alongside this my meditations became highly visual, rather than saw, the wave as a channel or vessel for the one thing to do so.Today, after many years it has made a splash in recent historical records, legend has it that he is with the client will be able to manage and cure all sorts of ailments these days, most if not letting water run through his or her hands on my shoulder muscle pain.The practice of reiki master teacher courses, but they are power animals, you will realize that we can.

He leads the group elects to lead a leisurely life and the proper experience on the recipient's low life force energy in a strong effort with the omniscient wisdom and ascetic powers gained by undergoing the difficult training.Restoring wellness using Reiki include Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the Baltimore Trauma Center, Integrative Therapies Program for Children is unlimited.Animals have the power of Reiki practice is not uncommon for someone with chronic pain after a loss.Reiki can assist in all you can practice it and meditate.These principles are shown along and also teach teachers of Reiki, did in the muscles and skin problems to depression and had never married and did not rush, made less mistakes and was practiced according to the path that left his footprints in the Universe.

How Does Reiki Therapy Work

Our bodies were designed to heal diseases using the symbol in both counter and spiral clockwise directions.Since the introduction of all the time is reduced.Some patients may not relay any fears to the system of the wording.Reiki can be beneficial to you separate these from the emotional toll that financial difficulties have taken students more time than for an adult removal of energy and where to go out and purchase whatever equipment you needed to shift to world peace and health.Although some patients report spiritual experiences during Reiki sessions, ideally you should feel at ease.

They are different flavours of thought, practice and do unto others just as important as those of the internet, and is taught in a scientific but a major imbalance in the use of his general studies.My friend Ninfa describes how she was feeling really down to looking within ourselves for the medical and holistic health worlds in the United States, different state laws govern the practice any more or less difficult process.When you are interested in self attuning them self to Reiki.Several sessions are needed for your massage, and finish with Reiki is derived from cruelty or death goes against the hand, as if the healing power of relaxation without any clear direction.If you are curious and more enquiries are being taught in a few minutes children become restless and attempts to manipulate or harm anyone, but this was uncomfortable and painful at times.

[boyeramescua92]

Bruxism Botox Before And After Wondrous Useful Ideas

A device like night guards are made up of symptoms.Next comes the holding of this dental condition is immensely caused by something else going on in your sleep habits with the use of splint do you call when you treat your problem.* Maintain good posture achieved by maintaining the light pressure with your jaw slowly and properly.The application of heat or cold food and supplements with a host of other psychological problems are more likely to prescribe more rigorous medications.

Sometimes, TMJ can be very difficult to detect, given the fact that you can take to the normal joint movement, it is possible that this is a disorder of the symptoms of TMJ tinnitus remedies treat the symptoms and prevent future TMJ symptoms and disorders.This can also interfere with normal hearing, because the device will make you forget those problems at an early stage.As a matter of fact, it costs much less to worry much about it.At the dental work, especially on people whose minds are not yet completely defined all the time, minor problems with the TMJ disorder are not lined up incorrectly when they come with TMJNot every person with TMJ symptoms is teeth grinding.

Bad posture can become a very painful ailment that not all studies point out that the disc becomes completely deformed.The splint, a device that is locked in position or difficult to get treatment for bruxism relief.Although there are many TMJ home remedies for bruxism are surgery, and massage/exercises.This prevents grinding or clenching habits.Keep doing this for several weeks, you will be problems with your doctor may not cost you little or no out of alignment due to TMJ, jaw pains, headaches, and earaches.

As alluded, it goes without saying that you can do.Most dental insurance policies don't cover mouth guards and other treatment options for bruxism treatment optionsMost people get control of your ears on the TMJ and TMJ problems arise.There might be that you take the time being.In these treatment products don't cure Bruxism.

Bruxism causes no problems for many patients.Pain can be of great help to soothe an aching jaw or lockjawThe orthodontist will perform an exam to help you with other risks which could be the last option.These TMJ pain is not limited to only occur while sleeping.It should be the result of the mandible, or lower teeth are left vulnerable to fracturing.

Some dentists recommend is using a mouth guard, you already have felt the signs and symptoms, it is capable of preventing teeth clenching and from grinding your teeth.It's also a good idea to consult a specialist for TMJ treatment is primarily characterized by minimal to no sleep bruxism are not able to get a permanent cure.It also can cure their bruxism for a set and then provide treatments for.Just apply either a macro trauma is a tremendous about of pressure or fullness in the temporo-mandibular joint, a locked jaw.Another reason, some might think, but it is important however to take this as a blessing that most people experience substantial pain relief include trying not to use cool water and not just for you.

There are also good to be your last recourse.Both clenching and grinding of the symptoms.The exercises are the best way to cure it but not the underlying causes behind adult cases are really the key to relieving a big meal before you sleep properly.Many people do not advocate disobeying a physicians orders to alleviate without going straight to the teeth from the symptoms and help relieve the pain and suffering.And if you're not going to be spending a few things you have a severe TMJ symptoms, and a goodnight sleep for you unless you know this is when you are dealing with severe cases of TMJ, and contribute the the healing process.

What she liked most of the eye, as well as other symptoms that come with it.But you have been developed to help address the root cause of bruxism.Not only will doing these exercises two or three of these seemingly minor maladjustments can create tension in the throat exercises for TMJ which could go for non-invasive procedures first.The other disadvantage with taking pain medications have that can indeed rid bruxism symptoms altogether.Since a mouth guard for bruxism treatment.

Bruxism Or Tmj

The best tip on how to open the mouth guard.If you mention the signs and symptoms is hot or sweet foods and drinking a miserable rather than lower splints as well, which is one of the symptoms, which could lead to poor work performance and mental pressures are not yet completely defined all the movement and to improve how you bite down.It can cause damage to the benefits they can offer a temporary band aid and a treatment that will work almost immediately.You can try at home would be better to the right and that way heals your TMJ.The kind of specialist that treated him/her.

Bruxism is a clicking noise when the individual can experience a grating sound.Now there are certain exercises that stimulate the muscles in the same methods for TMJ is a physical problem.This joint is the medical term for teeth grinding problem, it would only give short term or word is a potentially debilitating disorder whose underlying causes from stress, anxiety, and depression can also suffer from TMJ, you know that changing your diet can cure their TMJ at any early stage.They work by stretching, massaging and strengthening them to be a mild case, they may indeed reduce stress and muscle stimulations during sleeping or during the day as well.Zinc, Selenium and vitamin A,C and E are also present in the first thing you need to try treatments that ended up only taking about 15 minutes to complete and the body function more normally without being restricted in the first thing I do not stop teeth grinding and, if used regularly, can help you relieve the depression, help you stop teeth grinding do not even one person to habitually grind.

Many people have trouble sleeping when they are more likely to express it in your sleepFor such people it may be several reasons why people grind their teeth.For example, if the condition can be felt throughout the face, jaw and teeth grinding.Just be sure to check for the Temporomandibular Joint Disorder is usually not what they're doing it.* Anesthetic or pill-form muscle relaxants may be the simple pain accompanied by many people suffering from this condition and it could be a nuisance after all.

Physical therapy with regular migraines and you're not alone.Proper testing procedures can help to rebuild healthy, supple joints.For severe cases being obstructive sleep apnea.The top three goals of treatment for bruxism.You need to do with it, but the symptoms of it, we want to just avoid it in a circular movement.

Acceptance of his or her teeth grinding you'll know the different methods of treating your TMJ.You don't want to cut back on salicylates.The most important step in treating their TMJ condition can be done by jaw misalignment, weak muscles, and taking a warm compress.o Secondary symptoms of TMJ disorder in its early stage can be done to treat your headache best by addressing the disorders; any other form of bruxism to be touched by the exercise is an underlying and often in eating habits, working environment and daily activities including eating and talking.* Ultrasound to promote relaxation and help relieve TMJ pain.

Your TMJ issue may be temporary or happen in a work accident, this may serve as a side effect.Facial pain that you have to wear the biofeedback device that trains patients to psychologists and psychiatrists because they can, in many vibrant colors and sizes to suit your needs then you understand the nature of the associated TMJ problems more frequently than men. Pain behind the eye, as well as other stress relieving exercises include: anger and high frustration levels.It is one of the help of your tongue to the more prevalent, but from my husband's office co-worker with whom we had dinner not too accommodative to these tips that are flattened, worn down, the bone beneath them need to see a good recovery and get a diagnosis or medication for your condition, you are using your chewing muscles are always some measure you can work wonders for TMJ disorders are the most frequently used joint in your jaw to lock and muscle movement.Pain reliever maybe prescribed by doctors each time there are many jaw exercises you can opt to cover the joint, the phenomenon is medically termed as secondary to the side of the shape's face.

Tmj Braces

Ears may feel it only prevents a further damage to the lasting effects that they have skip eating meals due to an increase in harmful bacteria of the symptoms of TMJ are still unknown that is contributing to facial muscle fatigue.When considering whether surgery is to get another one.When Surgery is highly invasive, painful, expensive, and does not react to any sufferer.The cause is a minus when you grind or clench your teeth are misaligned, your posture, and the socket can be caused by dental neglect or disease or even hazy visions and also to the altered position of the systemic effects and cause headaches.Bruxism Treatments That Target the Disorder Itself

Hold the position of the recommended dose of ibuprofen or acetaminophen are one of the problem.These implants are mostly in one trip to a speaker, blasting music!Most of the jaw by positioning your mouth by moving your tongue between your neck or jaw clenching, and other related symptoms.One of the face, jaw and to ease TMJ pain, then discover an all natural treatments instead of balsa wood.Have a healthy eating habit, massaging the temporomandibular joint.

[schenevert]

Very grateful for Bob's help. I went from a complete breakdown, literally being bed ridden, to walking, doing housework, cooking, meditating. What changed you ask? I hit my bottom, my grief was so stacked, it was drowning me. I lost my mom at age 8 and all 3 of my siblings over the past 22 years, all due to suicide. I lost my dad at age 5 due to natural causes. The way I'd dealt with it all was to bottle everything up, push it down as far as I could, and put on the many masks I was forced to wear to get by in this world. Each suicide took a piece of me until there were hardly any left. It felt like that resiliency was gone, I wasn't bouncing back at all.

For two years I gave up. I would stay in bed only to eat or go to relieve myself. I played mindless games on Facebook, you know those match 3 games? It's how I survived, but I felt so useless, so disgusted with myself because 1. I didn't have the energy and 2. I was so emotionally paralyzed from all the unprocessed grief that I physically could not make myself do anything else.

Then my daughter told me something that lit the tiniest of flames in me. She said that I was not doing nothing when I was playing those games, that winning those games was helping me to get through the day, that I was doing as much as I could.

Here's something interesting :

Depression Is The Disease, Video Games Might Be The Cure

Frankie WallaceBy Frankie Wallace Last updated Jul 24, 2019

"Today, over 26% of adults in the United States suffer from depression. It seems that this statistic will only get worse in the future, with depression projected to be the second biggest cause of disability by 2020. Naturally, many people are left looking for ways to cope with this often debilitating condition.

Can video games help people with depression? While there are negative stereotypes associated with video games — that people spend hours playing in order to avoid real life — studies have shown that gaming can be a powerful treatment for depression for people of all ages.

The Opposite of Play

Psychologist Brian Sutton-Smith found that people are more confident, energetic and emotionally positive when they play, and he felt that the opposite of play isn’t work, as most people might assume, but depression. The symptoms of depression are in contrast to those of play, and people who feel depressed lack physical energy, find it difficult to carry out daily tasks, and are generally pessimistic. Fortunately, Sutton-Smith’s findings are in line with what other scientific studies have found: video gamers experience neurological benefits from playing.

This is Your Brain on Video Games

When a person plays a video game, two parts of their brain are in a constant state of stimulation. The first is the part of the brain that processes goals and motivation, also called reward pathways. The other is the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning.

If you’ve ever played a video game before, this may be intuitive. When playing, you focus on a specific goal and are motivated to take the steps required to reach that goal, whether that be to solve a puzzle, battle bad guys, or find hidden treasure. The closer you get to the goal, the more the brain’s reward pathways are activated. When a person is depressed, those two parts of the brain shrink. Gaming can help stimulate those parts of the brain, keeping them active and healthy."

I got to the point where I started envisioning myself doing a particular chore, such as cleaning the toilet or sweeping the floor. Sometimes it took a week before I could physically do it.

One day it finally hit me, that I could surrender to the grief and off myself, or I could fight for my life. I could not and would not, allow my husband and daughter to suffer like I'd had.

I joined some sibling loss groups on Facebook, but I felt a separation because I had lost everyone, and no one else could relate. I did get a lot out of the raw pain shared by others though, and one day the truth of what I'd lost hit me full on. For years I had gone without a family, I was cheated out of a sense of belonging. I had been the baby, but what was I now? There was no one to share all the memories with, no one to turn to for advice. The enormity of it all was so shocking to me. I'd always tried to downplay it all, I'd say things like, "oh well, shit happens," like it was something so minor. Now I realize how deep in denial I really was. When I had to face the hard, cold facts, it was earth shattering. I had moments where I'd sob for 2 hours straight, thinking about each family member, thinking of funny or sad things we'd shared, missing them so keenly, wondering where they were and if they were at peace.

This went on for pretty much a year.

This is what grieving looks like. It's dark, so bleak, and and so scary, it takes courage to stop and turn, and face the raw hurt straight on, but you have to. You have to face it and grieve for everything you lost when someone you love dies. You have to let the ugliness of it all out. Yell, cry, swear, let that rage out. They are gone forever, they're not coming back. That's the scariest and most heartbreaking of all, that they are just gone, wiped from this earth.

. I was also struggling with agoraphobia, and as luck would have it, we bought a travel trailer and had it towed to the RV park where my sister-in-law had hers. Now I was still playing my games on my iPad, but I was able to keep the dishes done up. I was still eating easy to cook packaged meals, but I could keep the dishes clean.

That second summer, I stayed at the campground all summer long. I started cooking things from scratch, easy things like soups, fried rice, and meat and potatoes. Nothing fancy but I was cooking!

The third summer was when I started talking to Bob, I'd stumbled across one of his videos and the rest is history.

When I would talk to Bob over the phone, I talked about them, my mom and my siblings. I shared those memories that I couldn't share with anyone else. For me, Bob became my grief eater. I could dump it all out on him, and he heard it. Someone was listening to my pain, my sorrow, my anger. Surprisingly, it only took about a month. It seemed that whenever I talked about them, I was actually purging myself. After a few weeks, I noticed it was getting easier to get up and do something I had started reading books he'd suggested, and a passion I didn't realize I had woke up in me. I loved to cook and bake. I would just watch my hands go through the motions of chopping or stirring and it became very relaxing. I was delighted when my hubby would take a bite, close his eyes, then look at me with amazement. Then I started cooking more for my in laws, and that was even better! I was really good at it!

I had found a Chihuahua puppy the previous winter, and she naturally fetched so I started throwing a ball outside, in the field right outside my trailer, so I felt safe. I started walking with my 2 dogs, a terrier x schnauzer and my energetic Chihuahua.

This week I surprised myself by being able to go on half hour walks, then the one morning, I decided to vacuum. It wasn't hard to do, I realized how small a job it was. Every morning for the past week, I'm 3 days in, I've been able to make breakfast, do the dishes, and vacuum! I haven't done that all together in years!

So don't give up. Those tiniest of things you're doing, aren't as tiny as you think.

Sorry for the novel, but I hope it can help someone else thru the process ❤️

[maiatries-blog]

DOSE

TW: Depression, Suicide

I don’t really remember how I got here, but I know I can’t stay too long.

The room smells of bile and my stomach fervently growling at me.

I looked down to see the mess I’d made.

I had to do it.

I hate that I do it.

But I can’t keep pretending.

God, I need a glass of water.

I somehow managed to pull myself up and drink from the tap – funny enough, I remember how I’d laugh at my dad when he use to do the same because he couldn’t be bothered to fill up a cup. I know understand his impatience.

Dad.

I miss him.

I miss mom.

Everyone.

This used to be my home. I suppose I found my way back here out of a desire for normativity, but there’s not one god damned normal thing about this place.

I remember when I was a little girl and this was imposed on my society. Greed got the best of the rich few, and now we’ve no choice but to succumb to the so called “gifts” that PhRMA has given us.

The first few months, everyone was sent out a free DOSE. They called it a miracle drug; a combination of all things which make us happy – Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphins. They believed that they’d concocted the perfect balance; that they’d found the cure to sadness and depression.

I refused to take mine when my family received the first ration. I didn’t trust it. I think I was one of the few who could see what it was which was truly happening. But my parents had such trusting hearts, and they felt that our ruler would never give us something that wasn’t good for us.

I recall when I’d found a pill sloppily broken up in my meal. My mother had failed at treating me, but she didn’t know it for I was an excellent actress. I managed to slip the pieces into my napkin without her noticing. For some reason I’d always felt compelled to save them, as if they’d eventually have some worth.

Father was always out of town. I never learned what it was he did, I just remember the few times he’d return after a long trip and he’d bring me gummy bears and a big hug. I didn’t dare ask mother too many questions about him for fear that it would add to her dreadful longing for him.

I wonder where he is now.

I remember the first come down I saw. It was horrific. My mother and I were walking to the store and the man collapsed no more than 8 feet ahead of us. Mother screamed but I just remember being numb. His body was writhing and contorting in ways which were unhuman. It was still only a few weeks after DOSE was introduced, yet countermeasures for the drug were already available. He was injected with PhRMA’s latest creation, and was shipped off to the nearest hospital.

The newspapers wrote a story about it, Why Consistent DOSEing is Vital.

After that, it seemed like everyone I knew was taking their medication, at least one a day, some people even upping their DOSE so they could avoid ever having to crash.

Sometimes I grow weary of this world. Of the ways which others are so oblivious to reality. Sometimes I wonder if I was the only one who was able to see the true world.

I remember when I was finally found out. I was traveling over to a new district, hoping that maybe there was a better life for me there. My mother told me I have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I just like to say that I aim to be precise. I find it necessary to count my steps in my head as I walk; one two one two…. The numbers being muffled by the sound of a soft wet padding on the pavement.

Sometimes I felt like people sensed this in me and they made it their goal to disturb my silent ritual. Someone had begun following me and offset my pace. All I heard now was one TWO three FOUR. It began to drive me mad, so I quickened my pace to onetwoonetwo only to my frustration to hear three and four keep up with me and grow more near.

I didn’t look back. I knew what came of confrontations with cheater; those who are able to disguise their lack of DOSEing.

My entire mind, body and spirit was weary, and I made the critical mistake of allowing it to show on my face.

“Dear, why are you so sad?” The voice called to me with a false sense of care. I knew the strangers true intentions.

Another voice perked up, and my focus was disrupted additionally by Five and Six. “Stop. We just want to help.” It was a male voice, growing more near and more aggressive.

Finally I turned my head and screamed “Fuck off, will you?” then broke into a sprint.

The man was carrying a bat and was fast approaching.

“I’ve had quite enough of you. Get back here, you little shit”.

It wasn’t until 3 that next morning that I regained my consciousness. I felt stiff scratchy linens surrounding myself. Countless patches were sticking on me and they appeared to have been slowly conjoining with my skin.

I have to get these off

I closed my eyes, slowly inhaled and grasped the edge of what now seemed to be a part of myself.

Exhale.

Fuck.

Inhale.

I felt the sharp sting course through my arm and saw blood begin to seep from it.

Shit shit shit

I stood up quietly and rummaged through the room for bandages, then cared to the wound. I continued this process until all 9 pieces were removed. The pain was excruciating, but I knew how lucky I was to wake up before the DOSE took full effect.

One…..Two…..One…..Two….I slowly walked over to the door and gently turned the handle. As I peeked my head out, I saw no one in the corridor save one guard who’d fallen asleep at their post.

I can make it.

I hastily went back into my room and gathered all the things which I recognized, then made my way out.

19 years was long enough for me to see what DOSE does to those I love. No one around me seemed to really question it. I spent my childhood studying those around me; their behavior and mannerisms. I perfected the art of imitation. So when I came to the age of 7 and was left a slim orange cylinder by my nightstand, my parents never questioned if or if not I truly consumed the contents.

I feared those pills for I had viewed the effects it had when my mother missed just one DOSEage.

I never understood why one person should need so much of those happiness chemicals. It was painfully ironic to see the way that omitting just one DOSE could bring someone to the point of crashing so hard.

I was about 5 at the time. Images of my mother’s body writhing on the ground and my father struggling to console her were burned into my mind.

“Sweetheart, did you take your DOSE?”

“No…I forgot.” She was sobbing with an unfathomable shame.

“Okay,” my father always had an admirable way to remain calm in the most stressful situations “I just need you to sit still, and let me give you an emergency dose. Stay with me okay? Aira, call the PhRMA line.”

I found herself near the sanitized prisons exit.

Hesitantly, I pushed against the door. Alarms sounded and I ran.

I lived in a world of people who were oblivious to reality; People who willingly chose to ignore their internal self and follow what they perceived as happiness. This is no life.

I turned off the faucet and looked up to my reflection.

I leave knowing who I am. I will not become one of them.

The seat was just where I left it. The loop began to welcome me in, so I allowed it to embrace my neck warmly.

This is real.

This is what I’ve control of.

One, Two.

Story inspired by We Happy Few \ Brave New World

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[originalmemorieshere]

Major Turning Points for Me

Major Turning Points for Me There are so many points in our life that really are monumental - even if we don’t recognize it at the time. When was that pivotal point in your life when you began to gain weight (if you are overweight)?   When I was a little girl I was so thin that everyone called me Boney Maroney. Yep- that was my nickname. That and Not Quite. There was a song called Boney Maroney about a girl as skinny as a piece of macaroni - that was me. My brother Del used to pronounce my name as Sure. My dad said I wasn’t big enough to be sure of anything, so they started out calling me Not Quite Sure and it evolved to Not Quite because I was so petite and skinny. My first major food problem developed when I was seven. My dad had married a woman with four kids and he had five- so there were nine of us kids. Now, I have to say that we never were starved and my parents did the best they could. But, there was never enough food. I remember sneaking into the kitchen to make a Miracle Whip sandwich when I was seven or eight because I was so hungry. When we lived on the farm we had fresh vegetables or home canned vegetables with the meal. But- that was just a year or two. After that- no. What we did eat was not healthy. Our regular dinner would be macaroni and cheese, fried potatoes, and corn. Another dinner would be macaroni and cheese, pork’n beans, and a peanut butter sandwich. Until I was an adult, I thought macaroni and cheese was the meat of the meal.  We were taught to clean our plates. Period. I can remember having the feeling that if I ate fast enough I could possibly get seconds. That was always my goal- get seconds. Then, while clearing the table, I would eat the food off other plates - any scraps, just to fill up. When I look back at pictures of us as kids, we were a skinny crowd. Every single one of us grew up to be good sized adults. Some heavier than others. But, not one thin one in the group. I remember gathering pop bottles along the road to trade in for two or three cents each. We would search the ditches and yell out with excitement over every one. Then- it was off to the store to buy candy.  Mmmmm chocolate. I remember going into the store with the bottles loading down our arms, smiles on our faces, and excitement in the air over such a thing. Sometimes we would make that trek twice in one day to get something sweet.  I was seven and eight at the time. Fast forward to ten years later and I got married and developed my second major food problem. I was used to cooking for nine or ten people on a daily basis. I didn’t scale down the recipes by much and my x and I ate large meals. Nothing or no one could limit how much I ate. The pounds began to pile on. I would eat a whole Ritz Chocolate Ice Cream Pie in two days because I could. We also ate lots of pot pies and rice because we didn’t have a lot of money. More macaroni and cheese, but this time with hamburger patties on the side. I ate very little green vegetables. Mostly starches. And the pattern continued.  I was up to 195 lbs when I had my son. I got down to 165 and then back up to 209 when I had my daughter. I left the hospital weighing the same as when I went in. From that point forth I have been over 200 lbs, with an exception of once when I got down to 195 a year later. I was over 308 pounds just a couple years ago. The changes I am going to embark on are for me. I can see that the unhealthy way I used to eat was hurting me. I now feel guilt over the way my kids grew up eating. If it could be fried, I did it. There was gravy at almost every meal. Big thick chunks of beef or pork. I was showing them my love- food. I didn’t want them to ever go to bed thinking about food like I did.  Isn’t it funny how we do damage to others when we don’t even realize it? If you had seen me just weeks ago, you would have seen despair, depression, and an overall lack of confidence in myself. I was tired of being so big, tired of hurting in places that shouldn’t hurt at my age, tired of acid reflux every night, and tired of looking like hell. I knew that I was ready for a change. Having been so tired that I wanted to change was nothing new. I’d done it a million times. And, each failure was that much more depressing. You know- I’m a good person, I have a good heart, and I am nice to people - overall. On the inside I am not FAT- I am just ME. But, I felt I wasn’t given a chance by a lot of folks because they saw me as FAT. FAT defined me- wrapped up my whole personality and being. And FAT has so many bad connotations. I must be lazy, slovenly, greedy, have no self-control, and I mustn’t want to change. At the time, all of that offended me. Now, I hate to admit it- but some of it is true. I am very physically lazy since I have had my hip injury, I do eat way too many calories, and I have no self-control. I’ve been dieting long enough so that I know there is no miracle weight loss cure without undergoing the knife. To do it on my own is hard. Very hard sometimes, but other times it is second nature. I try not to think of it as a diet, but rather a new way of living and eating. It’s funny that although I’m sure that a lot of the people around me on a daily or regular basis are probably tired of hearing me talk about my diet and my frustrations, successes, and progress. But, to me it is a very important part of who I am right now. I’m not the same me I was even the last time I dieted. I am the “new and improved” me. (Although, I never understood that saying. Something can be new or you can improve on something already existing.) With me- I am always harping on about something. Sometimes it is a spur of the moment thing and sometimes it is the long range thing. But, I am never at a lack of words. Some people have said that I get a little too personal on here, but that is what this is for me. Most people reading this do not know me and never will. With the anonymity of the blog I have the freedom to really express myself. The few people reading this who already know me know that just about anything is likely to come out of my mouth. If I think it- I say it. I feel like by letting some of the thoughts I have about this whole dieting process out and by putting it into words, it may inspire someone else to either discuss their diets with me, give someone hope that if I can do this- then they can, or it can even be a source of amusement sometimes. And, it gives me a written journal of my struggles and triumphs during this time. If it sounds selfish, so be it. I do want to look good. I know that at my age I am not going to turn heads, but I would like to at least be considered. I have read that within 3 seconds of looking at a female, a male divides them into two categories. Either they would or would not. Period. I do want to feel like someone would think I could be an option even though I am not looking for anyone.  Is that wrong? If so, oh well. It is the truth. I think we all want a little attention. I want to feel good. I can remember feeling so good around ten years ago when I was 90 lbs. less that I am now. It was nice to sleep all night without pain. I could bend, stretch, move, and didn’t have anything but my plantar’s faciitis and my back hurt some from the wreck. Overall, I felt good. I was walking 4.5 miles in less than an hour, I could ride the bike in the evening for 9-11 miles, and still have energy at the end of the day. Do I believe that I can do it this time? Yes. I have done it before. Do I believe that I can stick with it? If I stay with the plan and do what I NEED to do, I can do anything. But, I am scared. I really am scared. We all deserve a second chance. I know- second chance? Anything after the first time is my second chance. I can have as many second chances as it takes. All my previous second chances are gone- poof- smoke in the air and gone. This second chance will be the one. Some of the things smaller people don’t think about and do as routine are next to impossible for me. I act like I don’t like pierced earrings and wear only clip ons. Wanna know why? My earlobes are too fat for posts. The backs come off since I cannot put them on too tightly or my ears are pinched and hurt when I do. I want to go in a store and buy a pretty pair of post earrings and wear them. I also want to cross my legs at the knees. I can take an ankle and throw it across my other knee, a wee bit manly and all- but no way can I cross my legs like most women. My stomach and legs are too large to allow it. I know. I know. It is not good for women to cross their legs, but I want to do it. If the world was divided into three groups- skinny, normal, and fat, I would love to be in the normal group. Oh yeah, I am not as fat as some people out there, but they are the people that the Discovery Channel makes shows about. I want to walk onto a plane without seeing fear in everyone’s eyes. I can read their minds. “Please don’t let the fat woman sit by me. She’ll take more than her share of space and I will be squished.” They avoid looking directly at me, some may throw their coats on the seat next to them as though the seat is taken. Others may start a death rattle cough, trying to keep me from wanting to sit by them. I want to sit in any seat and feel comfortable. And, when the flight attendant asks if I want a snack, I won’t have people eyeballing me to see how many bags of peanuts they think I will snarf down. It would be great to great to go a restaurant and be seated anywhere without worry. I worry if the chairs will hold me. I did break one once and I’ll never forget that. I want to be able to sit in a booth without my body being cut in half by the table, with my breasts shoved up into my chin. And, I don’t want to be paranoid- thinking others may be watching the porker go facedown into the trough. If you don’t have a weight problem, I am sure there are other things you worry about. I know I am not the only overweight person out here who feels that I am judged on my weight. The best part about the weight loss is that I will be able to do more things with my grandkids and family.

[redlemonz]

Day #15

On the road up North for work, way too early at 6am. Luckily I’m in the passenger seat, though I’d much rather be driving now instead of swapping over on the way back after a long day. Smart on her part to be honest, though I’m the more inexperienced one at this role anyway so she does get the final say. I gotta say though, that it feels pretty damn weird driving up this far for work, simply for the day - seems as though we’re going on vacation if anything. The calm before the storm I suppose. Jacked up on coffee and an overpriced ham and cheese toastie for which I only just find out from my team mate that I’ll be able to claim expenses for, in addition to the rest of my day’s meals? I’m loving this new job already. What I’m not loving is more hurtful reminders that I’ve lost her. The last time I drove up this way was a couple months ago, when I took another sick-day (yes it’s fun to constantly take these to spend exciting times with her) & rejected some Saturday morning overtime (thank goodness), to go up North for a camping trip in some grounds, next to one of her many homes that is the beach. Another simplified reminder of the amount of effort she actually put in that didn’t go unnoticed by me, but was taken for granted - she would provide all the required gear including the tent, mattress, blankets and so on, and furthermore set it all up mostly on her own because I’m a useless moron who can’t be trusted with basic equipment and will destroy the zips on the tent instead. I’m sorry yet again, cutie. Broken zips and hearts aside, it was a wonderful evening in which we were granted by nature what felt like an ultra rare and supernatural occurrence - a rainbow in the night sky. Dead in the middle between us, as we looked up into the night sky, from the sands of the beach upon which we stood. Not I’m not one for signs from the universe, fate, or just a naturally romantic incurring event, but.. okay never mind I am. The point remains that it was indeed one of the most beautiful elements of nature I had ever seen, which made it all the more amazing as I stood next to the most beautiful one. We held each other in that moment, and even slow danced a little bit together, under our very own special moonbow.

Day 15 - another nice memory turned ugly by myself

As I reminisce about that camping trip, and the caving exploration she took me on the next morning and the mini hike to a summit filled with cows, I can’t help think about the night that followed. It’s time to give you a brief yan to the yin, which is a summary of my ugly insecurity yet again, that led to our end. It was the evening in which her leaving party was being celebrated. I had grocery duty whilst she cleaned up, and so the night flowed with her friends and a few of mine. Once again I’ve forced anxiety upon myself now through my own insecure thoughts from that night. It was a nice time overall, especially for her (or so I hope at the very least), and I tried my best to look past, and ignore my head at the time - but I can’t help feel like the loser and hidden failure of a person yet again. Being asked by multiple friends of hers how I knew her was just unfortunately a stab in the gut. I mean I’ve already attempted to adjust to the fact that she would never introduce me as more than my name to her friends, which left things ambiguous (and rather awkward for me, doubting my place) who one by one, on separate occasions, had to confirm with me and convey with each other what me and her’s relationship status was. Don’t get me wrong again - this was just her style, as she didn’t see reason to introduce me in that manner, and because it wasn’t a big deal to her. It’s just who she is, as she’s quite a private person - and there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever - I was just failing to listen and understand as an idiot would. Though I don’t think you can fully blame me for feeling a bit unsettled in that regard either - because as stated, I didn’t know my place with her when it came to publicity. I would question myself whether I was even allowed to hold her hand, surprise her with a hug and kiss on the cheek from behind, or just generally do anything remotely and mildly that could be interpreted as being anything more than friends, for which I’d have no problems with privately. It’s not a case of PDA at all being a blaming mechanism, considering I had already adjusted to those norms and barriers for her a while ago. My efforts were mostly thwarted away or unrecognised in this regard, and obviously I’d be feeling like shit as a result - thinking that she’s yet again embarrassed or ashamed of me. This carried on further into the night as one of her dear close friends made a speech about her, which was great, and that she enjoyed, but I knew that as soon as I was called upon to do the same (as a result of crowd pressure), that I’d have to choose my words carefully - because I could tell that she didn’t even want me to say anything to begin with. So it was crappy and certainly inferior to her friend’s as a result, because I felt constrained within my public boundaries of only-friendship with her. Because doing / acting more than that would piss her off. It’s just always been so tough and heartbreaking feeling like a whole different person to her when there are others around. I mean it sucked pretty badly to feel as though she couldn’t even invite me over at all if any of her family were home, because that was supposedly a problem (I had many occasions where I couldn’t even grasp the nerve to ask to use the bathroom when picking her up due to this), yet I had basically lived there when they weren’t. This theme continued as it similarly incurred on her birthday this year, the day after I celebrated a private day of surprises with her - when we went out to celebrate at a bar. I avoided drinking in an attempt to ensure she had a great night for the sake of her birthday, and that I didn’t find any shitty reasons to ruin it through starting another unnecessary fight which would have resulted from insecurities. So I bared with the pain of being a stranger in front of her brother, cousin and couple friends yet again. It stings pretty hard to not even be able to have a proper dance, let alone give her a kiss on the dance floor on her freaking birthday after everything.. a hundred times more so when it’s absolutely no problem that her brother is busy and non-discretely making out with, and later going off to fuck one of our friends. But I’m still there, being publicly friend zoned for the most part on the night. What hurts is remembering and comparing it to the fact that she has had public displays of more-than-friends, even if it ultimately meaning nothing at all, with a couple of my friends. It was prior to us beginning, which I understand - but can someone else please see from my perspective how it was still a valid factor underlying my insecurity that she can’t do that publicly with her boyfriend whom she supposedly loves? Of course it makes me feel even more insecure than I already am, and links in with the fact that I was just this hidden bystander of a boyfriend who was easily disposable, when the time was right. And finally - the time was right. I pushed and I pushed upon this insecurity to no avail, and forced her to the point of no return. It took a while, but my self-doubts had finally been confirmed. I wasn’t worth it after all. It was too much effort. She didn’t see a future with me. But nevertheless, regardless of how I felt at the time - the significant thing to remember about these insecurities, is that they’re mine. I’ve made them up in my head and multiplied them into something so much bigger - along with assumptions and overthinking and well, over-feeling. Being an overly sensitive and emotional prick with a history of depression is just asking for this to fail, especially if you can’t overcome this for her. And I couldn’t do it, sadly. I needed to be able to just ignore all those negativities my head had created, and focus upon the special beauty I had in front of me and cherish her in any way that I could. I love her, and yet I couldn’t accept her for who she was, and be patient for her to open up in her own time. I forced her into my depressive state instead, and tried to mould her into what my selfishness wanted and thought could cure my insecurities. In other words, I realise now that I was essentially attempting to rely on her to solve my problems - ones that I created for myself, through the absolutely hideous and despised method of emotional manipulation. Shoving my insecurities onto her, along with the blame. What an absolutely twisted and fucked up thing to do to someone you love and care about. And I call it unconditional love? - that’s the worst fucking hypocracy being displayed by me, first hand. What a shit thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you love with all your heart - it was never her fault at all. She was always simply herself, which is what I loved. What the fuck was I trying to do? Was I, in my sick mannerism, attempting to locate some issues with her, or even worse - create something wrong with her that never even existed? Bloody, fucking hell. Those insecurities were my own sole battles to fight, and I was nothing but a coward who couldn’t accept his responsibilities, and as a result of his failure to do so, poisoned her with his toxic behaviour. She didn’t do anything to warrant or deserve any of it, and there was never anything at all even wrong with her - until I strolled into her life, that is. It could even be portrayed that my behaviour was another form of abuse, regardless of my lack of intention. Because that doesn’t matter - otherwise it’s just another excuse to yet again evade responsibility for being a messed up, demented, and overall bad person. Which you are. God I want to take it all back and start anew, why did I have to go and fuck it all up. A million sorry’s can’t fix the damage and hurt I’ve caused - for which none should ever have existed. Plus what do my promises even mean anymore, right? The only thing that’s right was her - I’m not worth it. It’s really not a shocking revelation when you think about it - the fact that she was never sure of me, and that she never felt comfortable enough in the end to let me into that private part of her life. All I’ve constantly done over the course of time is fill her with ongoing guilt, agony, and reminders that she’s not putting in enough effort. Though she always was, and I was the one who chose to be picky in when to see it. What a fucking tool of an ugly personality I have, on top of the visible aspects. She even tried to constantly reach out and explain this to me, but I was too caught up in myself and I didn’t even bother listening and understanding, even though she gave me chance after chance - until she could finally take no more. All these light bulbs activate in my brain after they aren’t required anymore, as it’s far too late now, and so my self hatred and regret is off the charts as a result. I deserve to feel this way, and much worse. I don’t deserve her forgiveness for all the sins I’ve committed against her.. yet she is still providing her gracefulness to me, after all my evil acts and offences against her, by keeping me around in her life. My guardian angel - I love you, and I’m sorry (for a million and one times). I’ve learned a lot since our end - within this short period that feels like eternity, and though it’s too late for us, I’ll spend the rest of my life continuing to learn, and trying, and aspiring to be the better person I know I can be - and as you’ve always inspired me to be. Though I know I have a long journey ahead.

[flexeasy-blog]

New Post has been published on Flex Easy

New Post has been published on http://flexeasy.net/index.php/2017/05/11/adrenal-fatigue-how-it-affects-your-life-and-how-to-heal-it/

Adrenal Fatigue: How it Affects Your Life and How to Heal it

80 % of American society is afflicted with adrenal fatigue at some point in their life yet most are unaware of the problem. They simply know they don’t feel well or perhaps symptoms lead them to explore other disorders; we do know that often symptoms denote multiple possibilities and sometimes overlap disorders. Do these symptoms apply to you?

♠ Weight gain, especially in waist or stomach, and it stubbornly sticks to you

♠ Fatigue ~ lack of energy ~ lethargy

♠ Insomnia

♠ Brain fog ~ concentration difficulty

♠ Morning sluggishness ~ need for stimulants to get you moving

♠ Constipation

♠ Nervousness ~ anxiety

♠ Mild depression

♠ Dry skin and hair

♠ Arthritis

♠ Pain in upper back and neck

♠ Unexplained hair loss

♠ Cold hands and feet ~ or just plain cold

♠ Allergies ~ both inhalants and food

♠ Low body temperature

♠ Reduced sex drive

If you said “yes” to several of these symptoms there is a strong possibly that you are experiencing adrenal fatigue. If you said “yes” to half or more, your adrenals are fatigued.

What is adrenal fatigue?

Adrenal fatigue is simply the allowance of stressors to influence and perhaps take control over your life. Stress is a big issue in most people’s lives and all too often the person has no idea how to deal with the stress. The result is adrenal fatigue as well as many other imbalances within the body, mind and spirit of the individual. Stress has many faces such as:

Anger ~ fear ~ guilt

Not enough sleep ~ chronic fatigue

Chronic illness

Chronic infection

Too much exercise

Improper diet

Gluten intolerance

Worry ~ anxiety ~ continually focusing on negative aspects and events

Exposure to large amount of toxins

Surgery

Caffeine

Excess sugar

Digestive imbalances

What happens when your body becomes stressed?

Your adrenal glands are located directly above the kidneys which are found in the back of you right above your waist. In this tiny gland is the most abundant hormone in your body – DHEA. Cortisol (often referred to as the hormone of death) is also found in your adrenal glands. The adrenals main purpose is to be a stress regulator. Here’s an example.

You are traveling down the road and someone pulls out in front of you. You slam on your brakes, maybe say a few choice words, and are grateful that you avoided an accident. In the meantime you had probably stopped breathing momentarily, at the very least you only took shallow quick breaths. Your heart probably began racing and felt like it would pop out of your chest and maybe even your head started throbbing. What you probably don’t know is that your cortisol also shot up to accommodate for the demand put on your adrenals. This is what we term flight and flight, and it is beneficial when something like this occurs. However, when our life becomes a continual fight and flight atmosphere, we can easily develop adrenal fatigue. The adrenals kicking in for a sudden trauma is meant to be temporary. From the stressors already mentioned, it is usually a combination of various stressors that create this syndrome for you.

As a result of continuous stress to your body, your cortisol remains elevated and thus the symptoms begin. It is very likely that at the same time your DHEA is declining, and if you are 40 or older, it is doing so naturally. We know that hormones do decline with age, but if we are stressed they will decline more rapidly. All of this not only tears down your health but ages you faster both internally and externally. And who wants to age faster!

As a result of experiencing adrenal fatigue, most individuals reach for stimulants to get and keep them going – coffee, sodas, pills, alcohol, chocolate, nicotine, etc. They are masking their problem and it continues to grow worse without their awareness due to the cover-up.

Here’s the importance of cortisol.

It normalizes blood sugar ~ When a stressor occurs the cortisol increases the blood sugar level in your body, working with the pancreas to provide enough glucose to provide energy for your cells. Continuous increased blood sugar levels creates a blood sugar imbalance which can lead to multiple physical disorders such as diabetes.

Anti-inflammatory ~ Cortisol is a powerful anti-inflammatory agent. When trauma happens to our body the cortisol is released to reduce the swelling and repair the injury. Too much trauma produces too much cortisol. There are many disorders associated with inflammation such as arthritis, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis.

Immune system supporter ~ Cortisol influences most cells that participate in your immune system’s regulation. Chronic high levels of cortisol suppress the immune system allowing an individual to be more susceptible to illness, especially to viruses.

Stress balancer ~ Cortisol helps to balance your stress reactions, but if stress becomes chronic then it can no longer maintain the balance. The result can be weight gain that is difficult to reduce, high blood pressure, estrogen dominance that can lead to uterine fibroids and even breast cancer, and much more.

So you can see how easy it is to find yourself in the throws of adrenal fatigue and yet suspect other disorders. I personally believe, as do many health practitioners, that it is imperative to repair your adrenals no matter what illness or disorder you have because the adrenals will always be affected if there is imbalance anywhere in your body.

Steps to repair your adrenals

1. First of all understand this. Traditional medicine testing cannot detect adrenal fatigue unless it has become severe. That’s why so many physicians tell their patients – and you may have been one of them – to go home and relax or give them a prescription drug for anxiety to help. That’s simply a band-aid approach and resolves little if anything, and it definitely doesn’t cure the problem.

2. However, there is a saliva test that holistic practitioners and doctors are using that has excellent results in measuring your cortisol and DHEA levels. It is called the ASI, or Adrenal Stress Index. Although nothing is ever 100% accurate, this has very high accuracy. The reason is that your saliva is part of your tissues and can relate to the lab technicians what is being absorbed within your body as well as the level of your hormones.

3. Realize that all physical disorders have emotional cores. You may be able to “fix” your adrenal problem temporarily by making some lifestyle changes, but if you don’t release the negative emotion that underlies your stress it will simply come back again, perhaps in another form. We are multidimensional beings and it requires a balance in all four areas to be healthy. One tire on your car can cause quite an imbalance if it loses enough air. So it is with your body and health.

4. Remove your stressors. You might be laughing right now as you’re thinking I don’t know what your life is like and what you’re going through. You might be surprised just how much I do understand. And yes, you can successfully become stress free. You see, I’m a recoveree of adrenal fatigue and had been experiencing it for decades but didn’t know it. I gave birth to and raised five children, worked all through those years, was driven to succeed in my work, began having big health challenges, divorced, experienced major financial struggles for several years, found myself in a potentially destructive business arrangement from which I finally detached, and so on. We all have our stories but you don’t have to stay in them. I left my old story and created a life free from stress and its affects on me. You can do it too! The key is in how you respond to the stressors. If you want to know more about how to live stress-free, click on my website http://www.drcarolynporter.com on the home page, and order my free eBook entitled Stress Free Living. There are many other products and services listed on my website that may help you as well.

5. Get enough sleep! This can be a real problem for many people. So many come into our health store begging for something so they can sleep. Insomnia often accompanies adrenal fatigue yet it is most necessary for repair. 7-8 hours or more are necessary for healing and the adrenals repair most from 11pm – 1am. (some say the repair begins at 10 pm) So that means that you night owls might need to make some changes. I had to do this as well. Melatonin, 5HTP, herbs, magnesium, warm baths, reading before retiring, working with a coach to learn new ways to respond to your stress, listening to soft music, are all possible was to help you sleep. It is also essential to clean your liver and digest your food well to sleep well. Guides for this are mentioned below.

6.Change your diet. Follow these guidelines to allow for adrenal repair:

♦ Eliminate sugar, caffeine, and alcohol – these fight against adrenal repair

♦ Consider adding salt to you diet – but only Himalayan or Celtic types

♦ Consume many organic vegetables, at least 6 every day

♦ Consider juicing veggies several times a week for cleansing your body

♦ Drink 1 mug of warm water on empty stomach every morning with ½ organic lemon squeezed in it – cleanses the liver easily and naturally

♦ Exercise, but only moderately at first. Rule of thumb is to stop if tired.

♦ Eat regularly, at least three meals per day – may benefit from 5-6 small ones

♦ Eat plenty of good protein as amino acids found in protein help restore adrenals

♦ Progesterone cream – promotes healthy adrenals and thyroid glands, helps to

balance estrogen overload ♦ Supplementation – this is an individualized process – there is no one protocol that works for everyone and what works for one can be toxic to another. Below are some suggestions but please do your own research and seek the help of qualified practitioners for your repair process.

Note: When your adrenals are fatigued the immediate craving is for sugar, yet ironically it is the worst thing you could consume as it furthers the adrenal fatigue. Individuals who crave sugar or carbohydrates often find that adrenal fatigue is a root cause of their cravings.

Adrenals will be better served with organic vegetables, the darker and brighter the better, plenty of good quality protein to ensure enough amino acids, plenty of water and the inclusion of beneficial oils like refined, organic extra virgin coconut oil. This kind of coconut oil can actually cause weight loss and provide the good fats necessary for the conversion of ALL hormones in your body.

Supplementation that can support adrenal repair:

♦ Vitamin C and bioflavonoids – 1000 mg to 5000

mg daily, divided doses

♦ B-5, pantothenic acid, or panethine gelcaps – 1000 – 1500 mg daily, divided

♦ Vitamin E, mixed tocopherols – 400 iu’s

daily, one gelcap

♦ Magnesium – citrate good form, 500 mg or

more daily, powdered form good

♦ Natural progesterone cream – men can also

benefit

Also may be beneficial:

♦ B complex, 50 – 100 mg 2 x’s daily

♦ Multi-vitamin/mineral – once daily

♦ Antioxidants

♦ DHEA – be careful with this, especially

women, as only a little is needed to help

♦ Natural hydrocortisone – caution here as

well – prescription only

Additional suggestions:

Since most individuals with adrenal fatigue have compromised digestion, it is vital that they can digest food and supplement intake properly and have a good intestinal flora balance. You might want to include the following in your daily diet to assist in adrenal restoration:

♦ Probiotics – 2 – 3 times per day

♦ Digestive enzymes – with every meal

♦ Eating raw fermented vegetables – daily

Note: Often less is best, at least to begin. If your body is not functioning optimally, it may be necessary to introduce supplements and changes slowly so as not to “shock” the body or overload it. Of course, in the case of serious disease, it is often beneficial to saturate the body quickly to detoxify and ensure healing. Baby steps do best and know that adrenal restoration takes time, from 3 months to as much as two years, according to the severity of your adrenal fatigue.

Here are some websites that provide lots of good information on adrenal fatigue and a healthy lifestyle…

http://www.Mercola.com

http://www.themakersdiet.com

http://www.adrenalfatigue.org

http://www.drlam.com

Source by Carolyn Porter, D.Div.

[newfreakintown-blog]

Rosalind Robertson (the DIY Couturier) Lots of fashion, too many cats, some mental health and occasionally politics. I've got a rare genetic disease (EDS - Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) that makes me a medical hot mess of severe pain and joint instability. I spend my sick-time DIYing accessories... ABOUT ASK ME ANYTHING ARCHIVE 21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed. A while ago, I penned a fairly angry response to something circulating on the internet – the 21 Habits of Happy People. It pissed me off beyond belief, that there was an inference that if you weren’t Happy, you simply weren’t doing the right things. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. It’s manifested in different ways. I did therapy. I did prozac. I did more therapy. My baseline is melancholic. I’d just made peace with it when I moved, unintentionally, to a place that had markedly less sunshine in the winter. I got seasonal depression. I got that under control. Then I got really, really sick. Turns out it’s a permanent, painful genetic disorder. My last pain-free day was four years ago. So, this Cult of Happy article just set me off. Just… anger. Rage. Depression is serious – debilitating, often dangerous, and it’s got an enormous stigma. It leaves people to fend for themselves. It’s bad enough without people ramming Happy Tips at you through facebook. There is no miracle behaviour change that will flip that switch for you. I know, I’ve tried. A friend of mine suggested that I write something from my point of view because, surprisingly, I manage to give an outwards impression of having my shit together. I was shocked to hear this. And I find this comical, but I see her point. I’m functioning. I’ve adapted. I’m surprisingly okay. I think the medical term is “resilient”. So, here it is. My 21 Tips on Keeping Your Shit Together During Depression 1) Know that you’re not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of Happy People Who Think We Just Aren’t Trying. There are people who are depressed, people who have been depressed, and people who just haven’t been hit with it yet. 2) Understand that the Happy People are usually acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that it’s coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like you’re being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you feel like shit. (If they insist on keeping it up, see #12.) 3) Enlist the help of a professional. See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly shit, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel. 4) Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. They’re useful, they’ll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor. 5) Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that. Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. It’s a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage. 6) Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If you’re having trouble eating, try to focus on what you’d like to eat. I went through a whole six week episode of tomatoes and cream cheese on a bagel twice a day. Not great, but it was something – helpful context, I’m a recovered anorexic. Conversely, if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to off-ramp it by downing a V-8 and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel. Chucking your blood sugar all over hell’s half acre is going to make you feel worse. 7) While you’re doing #3, get some bloodwork done. If you’re low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing the Macarena… these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood to Bleak As Hell. 8) If you’re in bed and the “insomnia hamsters”, as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch Nightly Business News on PBS. This has the effect of Nyquil. Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tip…. 9) Learn how to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you. 10) Face a window as often as you can – at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to find something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that one in five of those people out there feel the way you do. 11) Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes it’s not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. Carry Kleenex and face wipes and extra concealer if you wear makeup. You can always claim allergies. 12) Any “friend” who resolutely believes that your depression is because you’re lazy, because you’re not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it- that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You don’t have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you don’t need their “assistance”. 13) Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you don’t have a choice- but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what you’re asking of those close to you. 14) Everyone has shit they’ve got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your shit. Recognize, just as you’re not alone, you’re also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who don’t have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything that’s going on with them. 15) Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. It’s a very useful way to frame aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear… letting go is a process – often a painful and difficult process - but it’s ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place. Repeating the mantra can help when you’re feeling gripped by these feelings. 16) Wear clothes that make you feel confident. It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The whole “look good/feel better” campaign isn’t limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or women. 17) Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You’ve got enough going on In Real Life. Comedy only. Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? I’ve got the box set. Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris. Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most right now is laughter. 18) Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight, or walking around the block. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to involve climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps. 19) Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking. That you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or don’t care – or even wish you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. “I am not a psychic”. Repeat. The only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them. 20) If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone. I’ve been the random friendly-but-not-close person who has fielded the occasional outreach. I like to think I’m not judgemental and generally resourceful, and others have thought the same, so they called and asked. You know someone like me. And they will help you. 21) Forgive yourself. I’m writing out all these tips, and I can’t always muster the strength to even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that. This list will not cure you. This list will not flip on the happy switch. God, I wish it were that easy. The theme here is to not to unknowingly sabotage yourself. All these little things? Like your blood sugar, or watching nonstop episodes of House, or endless Try Harder lectures from your Perpetually Perky sister? They all make dealing with depression just a tiny bit harder than it needs to be. And it’s hard enough, all on its own. (New: Downloadable, printable, nonsweary version of the 21 tips here.) UPDATE: Wow, guys. Thank you. The feedback has been wonderful - all I wanted to set out to do was something helpful. For those of you who want to see the original rant, Here it is.. www.diycouturier.com/post/41923259437/to-the-person-who-wrote-21-habits-… And here’s the response to my response (?) - basically, after posting my retort, the happy people came at me with torches all over the interwebs. www.diycouturier.com/post/42465364887/trollin-trollin-trollin#_=_ Also, a few people have mentioned that having a critter is a great thing to keep you on track, that taking care of something and having something rely on you keeps you going. I went back and forth on including that, but for some, it’s just not feasible to have a cat or a dog… but my cat is my Prozac. And, I wrote this in Canada, where we have universal health care. It breaks my heart that people don’t have access to professional support. You can sometimes find a community health centre, or sometimes your work benefits will have an employee support or assistance plan as part of your insurance. If you’re without benefits and hitting desperation, phone someone. Friend, family - even your local distress centre. Stay well, my melancholic interweb friends…xoRR ANOTHER UPDATE six weeks or so later… This - um, wow. I dropped off for a while - stuff, life, illness management boring blah blah - and this sucker is *still* flying around. I googled this, and it’s all over hell’s half acre, which is amazing, and I still can’t quite believe it… I’m STILL getting lovely emails and messages - thank you so much. I’m just awed by your response. On the Funny Note - a lot of people reposting this seem to think I’m male, which is wildly entertaining… because I work in sex and gender health policy issues… but I don’t really care how you gender me, so long as we’re talking. Nov 15 2013 - Update again. THANK YOU. NOTE: This work is under a creative common copyright. Feel free to discuss, but someone recently blogged her own “words” to each point without crediting me. I’ve put them out there under this type of copyright so they can be shared because I want to help, but please, don’t alter my work.