#thehumbleacquaintance

[thehumbleacquaintance]

7 years & 21 days

it's the second day of the year, yesterday was a hard one but i won't go into detail; just that it had my thoughts spiraling as a consequence.

I've been dwelling on my people-pleasing tendencies lately, i think i've mentioned it in a few past entries. i've been thinking of where this trait of mine stems from. like they say all the time, it all goes back to my childhood and i'm starting to believe it always will. as i live my life as a young adult i find myself performing in a way, trying to prove something. to myself, to my mother, to the father i never really knew, an imaginary observer. even as a kid i always felt the need to remind myself that i am likable, wanted, that any parent would want to have me as their kid. the reason for that was that i was whispered in the ear way too often about how i was unwanted, and sometimes shouted at the face by my mother. she always felt the need to make sure we remember that our own father didn't want to be in our lives. we were the unwanted children. ''i wanted to abort you, but your stupid father didn't let me.'' she would say on a regular tuesday morning while having breakfast. just like that, so easy. a nonchalant comment that would haunt me for life perhaps. growing up wasn't easy. i tried to make myself shine like a sparkly rock so that my mother wouldn't throw me out. kind of like how i would paint pebbles with glittery nail polish as a kid to make them pretty, likable. like me.

she often showed disdain towards my sister, she was the rotten fruit to her -taking it after our horrible father of course. because she was perfect, any bad trait we had had to be from him. my sister was tough, not like me. she would speak up for herself, and they would end up shouting at each other's faces for hours on end. it would scare me, make me cry, make me wish i was anywhere else but there, anywhere else but home. those were the days i was captivated by Alice in Wonderland, the idea of finding my own wonderland and never returning was just so tempting. make up scenarios in my head of running away to soothe my nerves. consequently, protecting my peace became my first priority in life and it still remains so. my first relationship didn't happen until i was 23, i was just so occupied with protecting my peace. and when it happened it wasn't love i chose, it was the comfort of a best friend who i trusted not to harm me. that was enough for me, until it wasn't. anyways, that's not today's topic.

so i had to become everything my sister wasn't, to not share her fate. to be wanted, liked, preferred even. i don't know. it got to a point that i can't see the line separating what's me from the role i played all my life to be the wanted child. the role ate my soul up. when i get complimented about how amiable i am, how i am always cheerful and easy going i internally shiver because it's like a slap in the face: ''they like you because you behave in a palatable way, if that stops so does the love. you need to hide any negative feelings ever and keep your customer service persona going!'' it's ruining my life, kind of. not entirely. i always believed being programmed to be likable at all times would only have perks but no, that's not true.

i get approached by people i don't want to interact with because of my easygoing, cheerful, kind(?) attitude. how do i explain that i am making myself small, harmless, ''cute'' because i am scared of angering anyone. i am just the small kid doing everything she can to not be yelled at, to not be looked at with disappointment. i am scared to say no so often in so many scenarios. it's engraved in me. if my mom asked me to do something, i never saw an option of rejecting it so i accepted my fate. even when she was violent (which wasn't often i'll be fair) i always tried to take it with grace. i felt it was what was expected from me. maybe now she will love me, accept me, want me?

and now i am a shell of a sad, empty, broken adult who doesn't know what she desires in life other than happiness, peace and love. okay that sounds depressing, i still have many things i do for my own happiness, my passions. i am fiery about them, so protective of any happy moment.

i know i need to end this habit, or control it. i can't have a self-worth so reliant on other people's validation. even if it has become an instinct over time, i need to break that instinct. i might start therapy, not just now but soon. this year.

anyways, i hope 2025 is a good one. take care.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

6 years & 114 days

i don’t know why i’m so fixated with the idea of “souls dancing”. my idea of romance is when your soul begins to sing in harmony with the other person, it’s like they just get you, and nothing else matters. and let me tell you where this thought reeking of romanticism has brought me: nowhere. just endless fields of disappointment.

i know i keep placing the blame of my mindless decisions on my bringing up but it all correlates in the end. growing up in an environment where peace was a moment that could easily escape me if i said or did the wrong thing to displease my mother or sister, has made me maybe a tad bit too appreciative of it. until i reached the point where my only standard in a relationship was if this person understood me (something i never felt as a kid: understood) and deeply cared about me and my wellbeing (no need to elaborate). if these two things were present then i would do anything to make my person happy and give as much peace to them as they made me feel. until i had to face the harsh truth that life is no fairytale and no one really fully understands or cares about another person, the way that i wish they did.

and here i am, once again alone with no one to update about the little happenings of my mundane day. i miss being cared for, this numbing sensation of being loved and nothing else mattered. nothing else matters cause i am loved. i can sleep in peace cause there is somebody waiting for me to wake up patiently, just to gaze into my eyes as i speak excitedly about a random hobby i’m passionate about. maybe cause she never cared about what i said, thought or believed in.

and again, i don’t know if i’ll ever change my view on true love/ soulmates whatever you want to call it. my friends say that what i seek is easy to find (someone to understand me and care about me and my wellbeing) and i should have tangible standards like looks, wealth, status, height, age etc but i can’t help but find myself believing this connection is so rare everytime i share a bit of my soul with someone (happened to me three times so far, hurts everytime the connection is gone). the first time, it ran out of its expiration date, never knew they had those. i tried to keep it going but eventually it ended up becoming a facade i could no longer keep up. the second time i believed we could both feel our souls singing, (i know it’s a silly way to phrase an infatuation but that’s what i felt) and it ended up being just my point of view. he didn’t understand, love or care about me: it was all in my head. that was a hard pill to swallow but i can finally accept it and attempt to move on now. finally, the third time i believed i heard our souls singing once or twice, only to realize his soul had been giving a serenade to another for years and my soul was just singing along to a song not mine. the moment i realized that was the moment i left, the only thing i take pride in about this.

there you have it: my experience of love. i guess you could say i fell in love three times, even if it felt like slowly floating then gently being brought back down on earth. that’s what falling in and out of love feels like to me.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

6 years & 112 days

lately i haven’t been myself

ever since mid-december it’s like i’ve become a beyblade spinning out of control in a weak attempt to gather a sense of my being. why i do what i do is a wonder. and for a few weeks i have been trying to stop this senseless behavior. yesterday was the last drop, this ends here. until i figure my shit out i am withdrawing into my shell. i don’t need any of this.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

6 years & 107 days

from now on i decided to keep my thoughts here less organized(?). yes i will still count-up the days from December 12th, 2017 which is the day i first started this blog/diary but my thoughts will sometimes be expressed in poems or maybe even a drawing, just less limited to paragraphs. the situationship ended along with another few, it was a phase that i’m happy to declare over now. a phase that left me feeling a bit rejected, unwanted, unchosen. i was dropped into this cycle of endless questioning: was i not entertaining enough, was my house boring, was my personality a bit too much, were my quirks unlikeable. it was never ending, i still haven’t found the answers but i’ve come to the realization that sometimes i need to accept things even if i don’t understand them and this is one of those cases. cause i can’t make you love me if you don’t. elton john was right after all.

for a girl who was raised with the belief that approval equals self worth, the journey wasn’t easy. a people pleaser, even though i dislike that phrase. and here came the person that i believed i was pleasing, i was making them happy i thought but that didn’t end up to be the case here. i wonder how much of it was even real, certainly not the promises made cast aside in a similar matter to myself.

in a way i’m just like this place, i figured

left in time-out to wait for your return

clinging to promises, i’m old news.

unable to hold attention

the piece you skip at the museum.

and as you went on to the other attractions this gallery had to offer,

my blood ran cold, ‘cause i really thought i’d found it this time;

the art-enjoyer who would be worthy of making this purchase.

but no, you decided to go with a safer option i suppose,

one that wouldn’t clash with your furniture,

so you wouldn’t have to change your ways for me;

just another painting in the museum.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

6 years & 28 days

hi. it's me again. i last wrote on here a bit more than two months ago. many things happened. i'm not sure if i was any successful at forming a new routine to better myself but i can bravely say that i made some important changes in my life, ones that were necessary. firstly, i broke up with my one year and a half long boyfriend; it happened a month ago, on a day that every single thing seemed to go wrong and i was left to my own devices to figure it all out without my usual support system (?): him. i had just come out of a terrible flu, having a fever for three days straight, sleepless, hungry and my bathroom ceiling was leaking water so i had to figure all that out and he was abroad on some kind of seminar, way too busy to provide me emotional support like he used to but available enough to add the chicks he met there on social media, haha. i never mentioned that i saw that to him, it was simply pointless because by then i was considering if i should break up now or delay it until his stupid trip is over. even at that point i was putting him first, silly me. that whole day helped me realize just how small of a role he played in my life. i ordered my food and while waiting for it to arrive i broke up with him over text. he resisted a little but in the end we decided it was best to end things. with him out of my system i cried and cried and cried. i don't think i had ever felt that lonely in my life before. the morning after i woke up with my eyelids swollen to their double size, it was atrocious. but even through my sadness i was able to tell i was never really in love with him, i was just dependent on him and scared to lose my best friend. this whole experience made me vow to never start a relationship without making sure of the romantic nature of my feelings. i need to be certain that there is an attraction there before even considering it. i will no longer compromise these feelings in an attempt to be the bigger person, to be selfless and kind. love isn't kindness, love isn't pity; love is an undeniable attraction, skipping heartbeats, holding breaths, tummy aches, running thoughts, an unstoppable imagination filled with thoughts of him.

fast forward to today, i am facing a situationship... to be continued

[thehumbleacquaintance]

5 years & 323 days

idk if my calculation of the days was accurate but hello, i remembered my personal diary that i haven't visited in years and thought i'd stop by and say hi. a lot has happened in these 4 years that i haven't vented to you. lately i feel like i have a hard time identifying my emotions, all i seem to feel is stress and distaste. you know me, how i desperately want to be happy all the time. i am supposed to have things figured out by now.. nowadays i have some relationship problems, i know: surprising. i have been in one for a year and half. it began as a friendship, i felt like i could share my every single thought and feeling with him, and he would just get me. i really believed he did. then i wanted him to be my person cause he got me. for almost a year it was great, until it wasn't. i feel like i gave him a meaning in my life he wasn't willing to have. i believed i had finally met my soulmate which was childish of me, probably a product of my inexperience. i stopped doing the things i did to fill the void in my life and replaced it all with him, and now i regret it. cause now his place in my life seems shakey, and that left me doubting everything. he didn't cheat, says he never would, never will do anything to hurt me. but how can i trust that when he has no idea when he already has and now i have to replace all that hurt with anger to defend my pride. at least that's what i feel like.

ever since my childhood i never learned to express my feelings unless they were positive ones. i always hid them behind others, until i was at a point were even i wasn't able to tell what i was feeling. it just didn't feel good and i felt like crying. was it anger? was it sadness? disappointment? but in whom? well myself of course.. when have i ever had someone else to blame?

i can no longer have phone calls with my mother where i don't feel so sad and tired after hanging up. i always feel like i am being judged, cause i am. she just never listens and when she does she hears only what disappoints her. it breaks me. i can never please her, and the more i denied it i became a people pleaser. always fearing being disliked, disappointing. even in the tiniest things. i can never order my drink correctly, i can never have a phone call without saying something that doesn't belong there. i need to be funny, i need to impress. i need to be liked. more than everyone else. why? cause i try harder, i practice it in my head and imagine happy smiles in front of me. achieving things, everything. i'm just so lost. and i can never be a good girlfriend it seems..

i lack the courage to try, i am just so scared of rejection. so i believed i found the one and i was so happy cause i would no longer have to try for someone to love me. he already did. with all my hyperactive thoughts, through it all he loved me and it felt enough. did i ever love him i don't know, i thought i did but now i am not sure of anything. maybe i loved being loved by someone who i believe wasn't in debt to like my family. he took care of me, my emotions. i didn't feel like my feelings were cast aside. he reassured me that things would get better, i wouldn't have to feel so so lonely anymore cause he was there with me. then came a time where he wasn't. i took it for granted, i thought he would always be there for me.

i was having a really bad day, bad week, bad month. and he went out with one of his girl friends, then he went to her house to get drunk and watched cartoons with her, massaged her back, listened to her talk about her ex, an elaborate story of their experiences in bed, then i can only imagine he acted as a shoulder to cry on while she weeped about the so called ex. he did it all. and told me himself. first he let me know he was going over to hers then he said i was such a cool girlfriend, i was super chill after all i could say was okay. i was so tired i almost passed out that day. and that traumatized me. i couldn't bring my thoughts together, i wasn't able to acknowledge that he did me wrong until weeks later. and when i finally had the courage to stop being passive aggressive and bring it up he said ''but you said you were fine with it'' ''it's been weeks why are you bringing this up'' ''are you accusing me of cheating? how dare you? i would never!'' he silenced me. i felt silenced while he believed we were fine. he said he would stop being friends with her for me, his grand gesture. that was almost a year ago. i don't think i ever forgave him for it. he hurt my pride, i had to deal with the after effects of it on my own.

i didn't sign up for this, i kept repeating to myself. i wanted to pull myself out of this mess. i wasn't in love anyways, right? maybe not idk but i was feeling dependent on him. i no longer had a support system, who would i rant to about him? who would get me if he didn't? it was difficult, still is, and realizing he didn't get how hurt i was only angered me. having to form proper sentences about my feeling of hurt is harder than i thought. but i did it. and he didn't take any action. even to this day he still follows her on social media. he gets a phone call from her when he's with me, although they haven't spoken in months(?). she sends me a follow request 2 months ago from now. non of these things support his explanation of not being on speaking terms with her. it's like he cares more about what his friends think than hurting me and believes he can just make my hurt go away with a ''i won't do it anymore''. i would believe if he kept to his words. it feels like he doesn't take my feelings seriously and that is something i am very familiar with from my childhood.

now i am left doubting everything he says, more so the dept of his emotions for me. he cannot be in love with me. he cannot be my person. if he can't get anything i am saying, sometimes not voiced but implied. sometimes i'm not sure if he really doesn't understand me or he's just looking for a way to escape the blame, to escape my rage, to escape my hurt, to escape me. and that hurts more than i can explain. feeling like something to be dealt with rather than cared for. i can't go on if that's the case. he still gives me bursts of happiness that distract me but then something reminds me of his lacking actions and i am once again left questioning everything.

i have to end this entry here, nothing is decided yet. we're on a break i suggested and he accepted quite easily. it's the second one. i don't feel ready to let him go, to bond with someone else seems so unlikely right now. once i feel comfortable in my loneliness, maybe then..? again, nothing is decided yet. i will try to go easy on him, on myself. i don't need to identify my sadness i can just feel it and learn to let go. i can solve my own problems. i can form a routine that supports me. i can do it all, no need to rush myself. i will no longer struggle to fix us, but fix my own support system: me.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

1year+day18

the humble acquaintance is here for a visit. I know it seems like I only come here to write my god-awful, depressing thoughts, which is partly true, but you can’t really blame me since it’s in human nature to only dwell on things when we find ourselves alone with our thoughts. I’m terribly sad. I usually try to avoid making such statements because even though I try to stop it I am very superstitious; I fear that saying something aloud will make it even more real. But I’ve come to accept that this is my reality and ‘’whispering’’ about it, tiptoeing around the truth isn’t going to change it. I am sad. I shouldn’t be chastised and punished by my creators for expressing how I feel. I feel like if I say I feel bad the Gods will scold me with a ‘’These are your good days!’’ or ‘’Be grateful, you peasant!’’. 

Now, I’m just typing my unsettling thoughts while listening to Pale Waves and pretending I am alone. I drive fast so I can feel something. It’s irking me that I’m never alone. I need to be myself without being misunderstood. I just want to leave everything and run where my feet take me. And maybe I’ll end up in my happy place. Maybe... 

A thought that runs through my head quite often is; screaming in the face of a stranger how unhappy I am or just walking up to them, whispering gently in a casual tone ‘’You want to know something? I’m actually so very terribly sad. Just wanted to let that out. Thank you, have a good day!’’ 

Life is beautiful, or it can be. But it’s unfair how we don’t choose to be born and most elements of our lives aren’t in our control. I just want to be happy. I’m tired of disappointing those who have no right to be disappointed in the first place. I’m sad. I’m sorry for scattering that sentence every paragraph, it’s just that I’ve been holding it in for so long and can’t really say it out loud irl. I’m sad. 

I don’t want to lose hope though. As long as I live I should remain hopeful. But wasn’t it my high hopes and expectations that caused me to be this way? Please. 2019 is in 2 days. I hope I’ll know what I’m doing in 2019. 

The more I think, the less I know. I don’t think anyone reads these. Hell,even I don’t read them. I’m addicted to the feeling of happiness but it always lasts so short. The moment I acknowledge it, it seems to vanish from me. Happiness runs away from me, before I can even say ‘’I’m happy!’’. 

Sorry for bringing your mood down with me. I believe if I have a purpose in life, it is to bring others happiness, which I hold oh so dear to me. So be happy, stranger! For me. c.u

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 305

It’s really weird how time seems to fly and suddenly when you start to realize that, it slows down again; only to speed up until the next time you stop and come to think of all the days that passed by you. Because that’s what days do; they pass by us. We pretend to be a part of the process but the truth is that no matter what we do, time will continue its journey. ‘’The show must go on’’ is an unnecessary statement, because ‘’The show WILL go on’’; our existence is merely a side-effect. That’s what I feel when I start typing an entry on this blog, it’s as if time stops and I’m giving a report on all the time I’ve been gone. Except I don’t know where the time went, so I’m not really helpful. This blog is my wonderland in a way, the only place where time stands still. Whatever happens in the outer world, once I’m back in my wonderland the tea party continues as if I’ve never been gone in the first place. 

I came to a realization a few days ago; I religiously tend to avoid anything and everything at all costs. Let it be thoughts, feelings, people, places; if it gives me discomfort, I’m out of the scene before you can say ‘’apple’’. Random word choice, there. I’ve made it a habit to wrap myself tightly in a safety blanket, my wonderland, where nothing can hurt me. It’s similar to living in denial but then again, that thought makes me uncomfortable so I won’t call it that. 

It was four years ago, when I first started questioning why I always felt the need to make up excuses to my friends for not being able to meet them in the weekend or why I avoided my crush like the plague or why I ignored my sad thoughts to desperately try to replace them with happy ones only to come up with temporary solutions. Trying to un-see the elephant in my room. In the end I came to the conclusion that I had something called AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder). It doesn’t feel like a disorder though, only a trait maybe. That might be my Avpd talking though, so I’m not entirely sure. I just constantly feel the need to comfort myself and try to avoid situations that can end up with me being hurt. Or me hurting someone, which would in the end hurt me because I’m too empathetic like that and there’s no place for guilt in my wonderland. Maybe I do this because I’m so easily affected by my surroundings. Let it be a stranger not smiling back at me or me dropping a pencil on the ground, I’ll feel as if my world’s been crushed. I have no middle ground, I’ve never had one even as a kid. I had this continuous thought in my head ‘’Why am I always so sad? Why doesn’t a day pass that I don’t cry?’’. Though I must admit that I was crying about trivial things like having to eat a meal I don’t like or not being able to keep my promise to read a certain amount of pages. But in my head it all felt like the end of the world and I used to think that life didn’t matter anymore; because I wasn’t happy. I still think that way, it’s about me prioritizing happiness above all. The most precious feeling, so isn’t it natural for me to feel the need to treasure it? As a kid, it felt like happiness was always too far away. Anyways, that’s what makes me think I had a depressed childhood syndrome -if that’s a thing, haha-. 

I’ve always wanted time to stop in my happy moments, because I can’t even bear the thought of being unhappy again. Let it be an ending, if it’s going to be happy. I’m obsessed with happiness, I dwell on it way too often. I seek for happiness in everywhere I look, everyone I see. Always searching for that charm that will cure me.

Take care, person reading this.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

(Still) Day 267

Arghhhhh I did it!!!!! Sorry, I’m just too excited that I managed to put that count-up thing on my blog with my non-existent coding skills. *victuuri dance* I feel invincible right now :DDDDDD Btw the hour etc are totally made up but I thought it looked fancy, so :3

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 15

My happy ending is too late, now. Life keeps giving me shit. I mean, it's not like they're lemons which I can use to make lemonade. I just want to be free. I don't feel free. Not even a bit. I want to go somewhere, where no one knows me. I'll say my name is Daisy or something and everything will be fine. I'll work in a diner, be polite to strangers, give them my pretty smile, take their orders. My only goal in life will be "to be happy". No worries. They'll never find me. I won't even bother to leave a note. Everything will be good. The first day of my new life as Daisy the waitress. A girl can dream, right? P.S: Tom Rosenthal is a genius.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 267

I really need to figure out how to put one of those calendar things on my blog. Actually I’m going to do just that as soon as I send this. It’s getting too tiring calculating the day each time I post smh.  I’m not exactly complaining; I’d take this anytime over being all stressed and thinking 100 miles an hour about anything and everything. I’m still trying to get myself familiar with the idea that I can’t be in control all the time. I mean you would think I would have gotten that down with all the unexpected last-minute problems that keep coming up in -almost- everything I do. I don’t want to be unfair though, there are also a lot of things going right in my life I just need to remind myself that once in a while.

So summer is over, we’re back in another cycle that feels never ending. Well it is never ending if you include the summer break. Darwin Deez released a new album and there are a few great tracks on it. Too shy to take a shine, daddy always and the first three released singles are great. So basically half the album, haha. 

This song is so old but gold. It just makes you want to open the window and start scream-singing the lyrics: ‘’FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN, NO ONE ELSE CAN FEEL IT FOR YOU!!’’ I feel like this is going to be one of my long posts but hey it’s been ,what, 4 months I think. Now that’s why I need that calculating calendar thing. Black Butler is a great anime btw. Sorry I had to let that out. I’m afraid to even Google it in fear of encountering spoilers. I was looking up a song on the soundtrack with ‘’black butler sebastian...’’ and Youtube decided to complete my sentence with ‘’sebastian death’’ so thanks Ytube >:( 

I don’t think I’m really past my more often than not depressing thoughts; I think I’m going with the ‘’distracting myself and avoiding my problems until they’re not relevant’’ method as usual but if it floats my boat then why not? K, I’m off to do that calendar thing, c.u :*

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 62

Perhaps it would be more interesting if this were a countdown. I find countdowns fascinating. Because they’re bound to end, for certain. Certainty is what I seek. Time is an unknown concept for mankind. At least it is for me. I’m always floating. They say that our facial expressions control our feelings. So if I were to plaster a smile on my face 24/7, then I must reach total bliss. But they also say that smiling a lot makes you have wrinkles all around your face. Hmm, there you have it. Another choice to be made. To be wrinkly and old or to be truly happy... Life is all about choices. I bet if someone could read my thoughts, if they could hear my inner voice’s constant blabbering; they would grab me by my shoulders and give me a good shake and say ‘Would you snap out of it, already?!!’. Do I even have followers on this blog, haha. I like to imagine my opinions on life matter, somebody cares. Then I say ‘Of course they matter, they matter to me. I care!’. Our thoughts are either our best friends or our worst enemies. But we owe it to them, never being truly lonely. 

My eyes feel dry. I’m not sleepless, in fact I’ve slept more than it’s needed. Maybe that’s the reason. My fingers are swollen it’s hilarious. Have I made the right choices? Probably not. Should I turn back around before it’s too late? But for what? I want to be understood but that’s not possible. The closest one can get to being understood is by creating art and sharing it with people. Maybe what makes others happy will bring joy to the dullness I call my life. We are the same, or not. I think not. We’re all different. I enjoy listening to other people’s thoughts. No filter. It’s like taking a walk in a new town, some place you’ve never been before. My back and shoulders ache. My body’s sore all around. Hell, even my mind’s sore. Does this blog make me happy, I’m not sure but at least it’s something to keep my hands and mind busy. When spring comes I’ll feel more energetic. I’ll take walks in parks, sit in the shade of a tree because I don’t like having direct contact with the sun. Then when it’s summer I’ll try to sort myself out. It’s funny how I mention myself as if I’m a problem. Soon I’ll be in a better state of mind, a better place. I’ll set my wild thoughts free to hunt in the forest. 

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 44

I don’t think anyone even reads these things but that isn’t the purpose of this blog, anyway. I have a splitting headache right now but I can’t stop listening to Darwin Deez. Actually I just noticed the headache is not because of loud noise, it’s because today is the day I noticed that the reason why I am the way I am is that I didn’t feel like my feelings were relevant when I was growing up. I did feel loved but it’s not hard for me to see now that I was truly a depressed kid. Still am maybe, I don’t even know anymore. I guess I learned to live this way. 

I also noticed that I’m bound to be fucked up, considering the childhood I had. But life isn’t supposed to be fun and games, is it? I think that’s what my problem is, I never want to leave the playground. I never wanna go home. I just adore Darwin Deez’s songs, the soundtrack of my life. So relaxing. Right now I’m listening to The Bomb Song. 

My head hurts. I’m sad and scared that I’ll never find true happiness. Life’s hard and all I want is to be happy. I feel like I’m always busy and I don’t have time to feel. Always making the wrong choices. Am I who I wanted to be? When I was 9 I always used to dream of the day I would be the age I am today. I thought everything would be awesome, all my problems would be magically healed. I wish I had some milk to drink right now. Words are never enough, I can’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling or the thoughts that are wandering around in my mind to another brain. No one ever really understands anyone. You’ll never know what my mind looks like. There are so many ideas on Earth. Life is amazing but I’m not living it.I swear I’m not even high as I’m writing this.How it feels like to be a single double-strand. 

I guess I never grew up. I even still cry like a baby. I never got that adult crying face thing, anyway. Oh, and that quite crying bullshit. Nope. I want to be at so many places at the same time and where I am right now isn’t one of them. I want to create art. I wish I was a tree.

I just accidentally deleted a paragraph or two. Oops… I was just going on about soulmates. They must exist. I’m too tired to search for typos. I also love Chvrches. Their every song, perhaps. Even the ones I haven’t heard yet. Get away is np. So catchy songs. I’m not even making sense anymore. I used to say I’d be an artist when I grew up, I don’t know where I got that idea, I can’t paint for shit. I’d say I’d burn my paintings to keep warm in the cold winters. I need to do something with my life. Maybe I will burn paintings after all. As long as it makes me happy. 

Today I thought that (I sure as hell think of a lot of things in 24 hours, haha *sarcastic laugh*) I don’t really care about what people are really like, I’m completely fine with accepting them as the way they present themselves to the outer world. I am a fan of being able to express who you are in the way you speak, dress, walk, smile, breathe… I don’t want to crush anyone’s dreams. You are what you say you are, and I’m fine with that. :) I must be able to determine who I am. That leads me to believing that people can change. Why not? I change every day. 

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 3

My happy bubble keeps bumping into sharp objects. I don't think I've ever felt so out of luck in my life. I feel as though gods and angels are laughing their asses off at how much more stupider I can get. God: "You still don't see it, do you? You don't get a happy ending. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ " There are so many bumps on my road that I can't even remember why I am on this road anymore. I just want to drop everything and be happy. Start living day by day. Chase butterflies when I'm in need of inspiration for where to go next. And nothing ever hurts. Only good things await. My happy place remains to be my mind and I suppose it will go on that way for a while. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. :)

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 133

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve last written here. It’s not like we’re on a schedule but still I don’t like it when time gets in the way. I needed to remember why I write on this blog, even though no one seems to read my posts. I need to let my thoughts and feelings out, so I don’t choke on them. 

I feel like I’m constantly changing. I want to do so many things at once. I’ve decided to not call myself unlucky anymore ‘cause that just makes me depressed. I feel like I have too many responsibilities right now and it’s giving me anxiety. 

I don’t go out much. That’s because I don’t like feeling like I was pressured to do something. Therefore, when somebody asks me to go somewhere with them, I consider it for like 3 seconds and then start thinking of ways to reject them without coming off as a rude person. I have the need to make my own decisions, without feeling pressured to do so. And a simple get together turns into a huge deal in my head because I feel the need to plan every little detail beforehand. It gets me more stressed than I already am and I feel like I just don’t need anymore sources of stress in my life.

I also keep a diary, but it feels more permanent when I write it on a blog. The Internet is a universe where nothing is ever lost, even when you think it is. I don’t even know if I’m sad anymore. I keep doing things that I believe will make me happy but nothing ever seems to last. 

I care about thoughts and feelings a lot. To have an impact on somebody’s view on life means the world to me. I’d much rather hear someone tell me a bedtime story they used to listen to when they were little, than have them going on about some trends on social media. I crave authenticity. I really miss my childhood. All I needed was a damn scooter and a cat, and my life would have been complete. Or at least it seemed like it... Now I’m the age that I always dreamed of being and it doesn’t feel like I imagined it would. I don’t feel free, not even remotely. My life has started feeling like watching the same movie for the hundredth time, it just doesn’t give me same feelings as before. I’m always looking forward to something. I guess what I need is simplicity. Accepting things as the way they are.

[thehumbleacquaintance]

Day 77

You know it’s not that easy calculating day number what I’m on, haha. I first started on December 12th so that makes 20+31+26. Today I had this feeling that the universe is trying to send me a message by all the misfortunes that keep happening in my daily life. All those missing the bus by 10 seconds, the problematic fights on the buses I actually do make. It’s like I’m not on the path I’m supposed to be. As if no matter how hard I try on this path I’ll never reach my only goal which is happiness. I used to joke about how my life should be called “A series of unfortunate events” but then shit got too real. It’s raining right now. I love the rain. “What if a constellation is just a constellation?” I wanna live in a bubble of Darwin Deez’s music. And marshmellows, peanut butter and bliss. Rambling as always. C.U.