#hurting both of them in the process and irrevocably changing their relationship

[weirdbabs]

[apple-and-berry]

Queen of Tears presents us this incredibly flawed couple in such a heartbreaking yet funny way that it will tug your heart strings and will tickle your belly.

This is a story about how two people who are irrevocably in love with each other but are separated due to miscommunication. This is not a story about who is right or who is wrong or who suffered more. It's about how different each human being is and how we act regarding that.

Hyun-woo fell in love with Hae-in for who she is without having the knowledge of her family background. Like mentioned in the show he wanted to be by her side. This shows his devotion and loyalty to her. But what happens when your wife treats you in a cold manner infront of your office colleagues and doesn't stands up for you when your in-laws are constantly insulting you. Some people may say that she did support him behind his back but it doesn't work like that. What happens when your wife clears out the nursery built for your child that both you and your wife wanted but lose due to miscarriage, you are obviously hurt and angry. Would you feel okay if your partner doesn't care about your parents and your side of the family going as far as not saving their contact numbers and not visiting them. People would say she did help his father when needed and it only happened after the change of heart she had after her diagnosis, so I appreciate Hae-in for doing that but that doesn't cancels out the rest. Hyun-woo felt ghosted after the honeymoon phase of their relationship ended. It's a taxing process to be with someone who refuses to have conversations and internalises everything. He felt isolated in that relationship and Hae-in who was supposed to be by his side played a major role in it. He was miserable in that relationship because he comes across as someone who is definitely commucative and understanding. The thought of separating from her unscathed was a luxury he desired but couldn't dream. So he was happy and content with the knowledge of her dying because in that moment he was looking after himself. I don't agree with his reaction but I understand how toxic and awful things must have gotten to bring out such a reaction from someone who once doted on his wife. He is someone who doesn't have a single bad bone in his body and Hae-in obviously loved him but her actions were quite opposite. It was nice to see him realise his mistakes and take ownership of it and continue to do the right thing.

Hae-in is the best example children growing up in broken homes. Her family dynamic shows that you can have all the luxury and money in the world but love and togetherness can't be bought. Growing up in such situations can always make or break a person and in her case it broke her. She is someone who internalises everything because she thinks no one cares about her feelings and that she would be a burden if she told her problems. Her family has the biggest hand in her being that way. Her mother accusing her for her brother's death when she was a kid herself and then continuing to treat her that way is sad. It's no surprise that she thinks she doesn't deserve to be sad after the loss of her baby. She was happy in the brief period of time when she and Hyun-woo dated and later married because he was the first person who truly saw her and wanted to be with her. She loves him, there is no denying in that but as they say actions speaks louder than words. Regarding her I always question myself that would she have a change of heart if not for her diagnosis. The diagnosis obviously plays a big role in her life and now she is looking at things with different perspective and is trying her best to mend. I liked when she said she divorced hyun-woo because of everything he suffered during their marriage. She is taking accountability.

I just want both of them to actually have a real long conversation. I want both of them to put whatever they have felt on the table and work on it. Its not about who is right, it never has been. It's been always about their marriage.

[minhkhoas]

A lot of people seem to mistake Khoa’s anger at being called broken by Bruce as some sort of personal admission that there is something “wrong” with him but I, personally, view it more as Khoa feeling an inherent sense of betrayal at the fact that the one person he thought understood him suddenly shifted his perspective on him.

He’s fully aware that he’s set apart from his peers & seemed to be content with that until he met Bruce— Bruce, who seemed to be a kindred spirit even when he and Khoa fought, who had consistently targeted Khoa’s actions instead of the thought processes behind them even when they did fight, who never once insinuated he needed to be fixed until that moment.

The moment of them on a bridge in Moscow in B:TK #5 is a testament to the level he places Bruce at in itself; by acknowledging that Bruce changed his mind about being alone, he’s accepting Bruce as an equal. Even after they fought and parted ways for the last time after Lazarus, the fact that Khoa kept Bruce alive solely for fighting still implies he views him on equal footing as him/“worthy” enough to spar with.

The scene in Argentina irrevocably shifts the narrative of them being equals when Khoa realizes that it’s Bruce who doesn’t seem them as equals anymore. Bruce seems to be the one thing he can never leave behind to the point where he suggests they work together even after all of the arguments they’ve shared over the years. He implies Khoa’s inability to care about people in a way that’s expected of him is wrong, and even goes so far as to assume what Khoa’s feeling.

It’s not the lack of initiative on Bruce’s part that sets Khoa off, nor is it the fact that he declined Khoa’s invitation in the first place— it’s the fact that Bruce implies there’s something fundamentally wrong with him which, as a result, means Bruce never wants to see him again. Khoa’s angry because he’s always seemed to have the upper hand in their relationship, but he never expected this. It’s always been Khoa leaving Bruce in some capacity, whether it’s him leaving after their first fight in the wilderness or him leaving after saving Bruce at Lazarus. He’s always left on his own terms. Bruce is the one person in the world who made Khoa feel like he was understood in some capacity and despite burning the bridges between them on numerous occasions, he never seemed to plan for the fact that Bruce would get to it first.

There’s a significant level of vulnerability in Khoa’s actions in the context of the Argentina argument and the larger scope of his appearances.

Khoa specifically emphasizes the fact that Bruce doesn’t get to utter his name or see his face again because the fact that he’d done both in the first place was a sign of trust, and that trust was lost the moment Bruce spoke Those™ words.

To me, his reaction in this moment isn’t an admission of self-loathing or hatred towards himself at the fact that he’s incapable of experiencing certain things, and I honestly don’t think Khoa has ever experienced intense feelings of unworthiness/low self-esteem surrounding the negative views on his personality disorder. His relationship with Bruce borders on obsession at some points, and the disillusionment caused by the realization that their dynamic has shifted significantly without him being able to control it is what angers him.

Khoa has been shown to have moments of possible guilt/regret at his actions such as the fact that he couldn’t save Phantom-One, but that could be chalked up to him being disappointed at failing as a crime-fighter. He never once puts the blame on himself for anything, so I don’t view his hurt in this scenario being formed out of a place of self-doubt or self-hatred.

[vechter]

🪰🐝

please!!!!!!!! <3333

hiiii kat <3

🪰: batfamily by kuzujuk this is a damian centric 3 part fic, primarily through his pov but part 1 is through dick's. and holy shit, is it one of the best depictions of damian. he's sharp and hurting and looking to the adults in his life without letting them know that he is. and they're not always able to come through!! his relationship with dick is depicted so, so beautifully. something about how that tumultuous time when they were batman and robin changed them irrevocably and now, dick is perhaps the one person in the world who knows exactly what damian means when he says something. and even though he is, he can't always be who damian needs him to be. and despite that, maybe even because of that- damian loves and adores him. but they can't go back, despite how much damian thinks he wishes for it. there's lots of hurt, mostly in his inner monologue and there's some semblance of comfort offered by the characters around him. and not all of damian's doubts and securities are resolved at the end but the love is on the outside, moving to the inside. lots of very authentic dialogue, a deep consideration of damian's motivations and desires as a character and stellar characterizations.

🐝: bleed the poison out by galaxyowl13 dick and bruce centric where they both have a Conversation about the damage, both physical and emotional, that bruce has done to dick. i'm not hugely into the bruce-is-a-physically-abusive father camp but i think there's some real interesting stakes involved when your mentor/father figure and you deal with violence so frequently and innately. it bleeds over into your regular interactions because that's all you know and wow, i'm feeling like just dick grayson lol. anyway, this is a really, really well considered fic where we get to see the ugliness of bruce and dick's relationship. because there are so many issues that they have and they haven't talked about any of them as much as they've put them aside to deal with the next immediate crisis!!! it's dick's pov and the way his brain processes bruce and bruce's actions and simultaneously tries to justify them while also recognizing his anger towards bruce- amazing. the way dick tries to present evidence like it's a case and the way their respective emotions get in the way of all that. they're both soooooo fucked up. also, just the way dick's stream of consciousness narration makes you feel viscerally, physically sick. lots to unpack and consider.

[mega-ringsandthings-world]

Hi I’m back! With more ideas! Also did you like my art? I really liked how it came out in the end. Also Thank you for replying to my asks and for continuing to create this au Finals is destroying my will to live and this is a bright light in the tunnels of all my citing.

Anyways on to throwing up my internal probably not coherent brain sludge that are my thoughts!

I’ve been thinking about what Mihawk and Shanks are going to be like after being traumatized and what they are going to do after. And how it’s going to be an absolute nightmare.

The more I ponder these changes the more I think about the differences we might see in Shanks and Mihawk in this AU compared to the canon counterpart, the more I think that the Loguetown boys will have this franticness about them, this wounded creature under their skin and in the corner of their eyes. Like they're calm, and civil but also two seconds away from bolting or ripping your throat out.

The canon counterparts have had the time and freedom and luxury to grow and gain and sense of stability in their positions-they've both built themselves up—Yonko, Warlord, World's Greatest Swordsman, and the only emperor to use only Haki. Politically, both are untouchable, and even if not, they have the ability to forgo that political safety and still be okay. They have the assurance of that power, the knowledge of their strength, and years of enemies and battles to prove it. They have nothing to prove, no need for more power; they are the pinnacle to strive for in their world, and they know it. They have nothing to fear, and they know that as well.

These two, on the other hand, are probably going to be afraid of everything forever. The world was knocked out from under their feet at a young age, and people took their power from them, holding it over their heads and laughing at their pitiful attempts at fighting back. They are irrevocably scarred, physically and mentally. No matter how powerful they get, no matter how powerful their enemies are, they will never believe themselves safe, will never believe they can't be trapped or hurt or lose or be used. For good or for ill, they are going to be the underdog in their heads no matter what. And that can make them sometimes irrational and paranoid, not thinking things through in the moment. Not that it will make them stupid, but it will make them slow to trust, slower to understand, and slower to put down roots.

I believe entirely that trauma doesn't make a person; it just breaks a person. I mean, look at canon Shanks after his dad was murdered in front of him, and his best friend and crew left him to fight for himself. He became an alcoholic but was probably lucky enough to have people who later could pulled him from the worst of that—he had time to grieve, grow, and learn, and the freedom to allow himself to be content and comfortable with himself, with opening up to other’s, with his relationships and with his power.

With the trauma these two kids are going to go through, I don't see them coming out of it anything but worse. They both didn't have the luxury of time or freedom or people around them that cared enough to allow them to process it. They had no coping mechanisms, no internal hopes aside from ambition (on Mihawk's part), and a memory of a family gone (Shanks) to pull strength from. All they had is each other, and even that's messed up because the others had time to develop their relationship, to reveal vulnerabilities and fears, and the small, intimate human things that make loving someone worth it.

The boys got all of that all at once but forced, no control, no consent, all of their vulnerabilities and humanities on full display and no time to process, to develop, to have space to create an identity for themselves. They will forever be Mihawk and Shanks. Never alone, never without the other. And even when they get out, with all that horrible in their veins, they won't be able to leave each other to find or develop past that. And that's really, really sad. Because as someone who has gone through the hard process of healing or getting better surrounded by people who are also trying to heal, you need that distance. Or you will end up hurting each other, and that pain can lead to resentment.

The worst part is they are both forever going to be a trigger for each other's trauma, but they can't leave each other because if they do, there's no coming back from that. Where could they go anyway to heal, huh? The government's probably still after them; they probably don't trust anyone, and they are both so entwined with each other. Separating would probably kill them. It's going to be so messy. And when I said I believed they'd probably both be more than happy to crawl into each other's skin and live there, I meant it.

Anyways, this is making me sad. And I still want to write that AU where canon meets these boys, just for the mental image of Shanks and Mihawk—these two larger-than-life beings, these big lazy cats like a lion and a tiger, sitting close but not touching their food forgotten as they watch these two vibrating, traumatized, probably-used-to-be circus animals sit next to them practically crawling into each other’s laps. Devouring food somehow both delicately and exactly like a D. And while both parties are going, "Oh god, what the fuck is wrong with you! For entirely different reasons.

I love your art! If you ever decide to make more in the future I'll find some way to give you a million dollars. I'm really invested in this AU, thanks to everyone who also took interest in it and of course, you. I'm glad it's helping you through finals, lol. Hmm, these are all such good thoughts. I love every point you bring up. "the Loguetown boys will have this franticness about them, this wounded creature under their skin and in the corner of their eyes. Like they're calm, and civil but also two seconds away from bolting or ripping your throat out." A pair of wounded, cornered young animals. Because as far as the Marines were concerned, that's what they were, and that's what they nearly turned them into. Loguetown Mihawk and Shanks are going to obtain the power/status of their canon selves because of their desire to never be hurt again, rather than obtaining it by-and-by through the years. Instead of the their reputations forming around them, they are going to make their reputations with their own hands. They'll seek out power. And use it as a shield. When they finally get out, they're going to walk out of the metaphorical arena hand in hand, broken, and ready to die rather than go back. They have everything to prove, and nothing to lose. They have to prove that they are not animals, that they are not broken, (or that they are capable of putting themselves back together) that they are strong, that they can be strong again, that there is revenge to be had, and that they can take it. One of the driving forces is revenge. In Marine custody, they weren't able to protect each other. But they were able to swear vengeance in each other's names, and that keeps them going during a period of recovery that would otherwise have seen them dead. As you mentioned before, Mihawk holding Shanks and thinking he can't die, he has to live for him, to be his protector by his side. Shanks sitting by Mihawk in the cold Marine cells, watching him sleep, the only bit of peace they have, and knowing he has to live. If only because of everything Mihawk did to protect him. That they won't trust anyone is so true, but they will do so eventually, and it will only be the ones who suffered along with them under the Marines. AHHH, that gets overlooked so often! Shanks' drinking habits are huge point of fun, but if you really look at it. Yeah. He's an alcoholic. Our Shanks is going to turn to alcohol too, if more reservedly. Canon Shanks had his crew, he became a captain two years after Roger's death. That two years will be spent in Marine custody for Loguetown Shanks, and even though he finds the people who will become the red-haired pirates, they are in no position to support him as they did in canon. The plan behind the Loguetown AU is to make a dark mirror of everything that happens in canon, with Mihawk/Shanks as the focal point. needs pt. 2 again

[friendofcars]

another one for the ask thing, perhaps: “this was the hardest thing to internalize, that something permanent but invisible had happened.”

my guess: so i do know this is definitely about adam's acquired deafness (so certainly post chapter 36) but once again i cannot remember if this is from his or gansey's pov. if it is gansey, i'd guess trb, chapter 38 (the infamous repugnant chapter). however, i think it's far more likely for this to be from adam's pov about himself, and the most likely chapter for him to be thinking about this would be a bit later in trb, possibly when he's temporarily moved into noah's room in monmouth and is thinking about stockholm syndrome, amongst other things, like homelessness and how he'll never hear out of the injured ear again. i think??? (chapter 41 maybe?). if the quote is actually from the dream thieves, my answer would be in chapter 8 because he thinks a lot about his family and also his sacrifice to cabeswater (which is sort of a metaphorical counterpart to his sacrifice when he leaves the trailer), his own physical and mental condition, etc. i have been waffling between these two options for at least twenty minutes (and could even convince myself to go back to the gansey chapter), but since i think the quote is more coming to terms with the loss of his hearing as opposed to grappling with the mysterious consequences of his cabeswater sacrifice, i'm guessing chapter 41 (or whichever it is) near the end of trb as described above. could very well be wrong.

the answer: it's the gansey chapter (trb, 38). good grief. it's gansey's internal reaction to the hospital staff telling him that adam will probably never hear out of his left ear again. this is the second time i've gotten a gansey quote and convinced myself it was an adam one. i'm vaguely ashamed to have done so twice lol

my thoughts: an instrumental detail to understanding gansey and adam's relationship in early trc. gansey has seen adam bruised and broken, but is frustrated by this invisible injury that gansey can't see, nor understand, nor empathize with, nor solve. gansey is trying to internalize the situation so he can process and understand it- the simple facts are not enough for him to come to terms with what has happened to adam. i think this frustration is key to the argument that explodes between adam and gansey in the chapter. it's a case of gansey blazing past sympathy and trying for empathy he can't manage due to a lack lived experience, and when that fails, he reacts with scorn that feels entirely directed at adam, but is probably felt towards himself too. they're both desperately trying to move forward adam's world being turned upside down, and the invisibility and permanence of adam's injury likely represents an inaccessibility of adam to gansey - that he failed adam and now will never get through to him. in the early chapters, he fears adam's father will hurt him to the point of breaking adam's spirit, or traumatizing him of distancing from gansey completely. like such potential psychological outcomes there's no lasting physical reminder of adam's acquired deafness, but the deafness is lasting. we know gansey fears irrevocable change to his friends- he's seen ronan transformed by guilt and trauma and depression, and now he sees another of his friends permanently changed from violence and cannot find a way to help adam in a way adam will accept. the way gansey cares for ronan works well for them, but in this scene, gansey can't find a way to translate this care to adam in a way adam wouldn't find patronizing.

a thriving part of their friendship is gansey being able to pitch ideas and dilemmas to adam, who listens and helps gansey focus his thoughts and form solutions and strategies for their quest. adam losing his hearing could be a symbolic nod to gansey fearing losing that crucial aspect of their friendship. i don't think that's the primary literary reason for adam losing his hearing tough (the unilateral injury represents a lack of balance, the loss of hearing represents a loss of adam's perceptive talents and reliance on vigilant detection of his surroundings and gaining a vulnerability to hallucination-like input).

i think gansey's use of the word invisible is interesting given the word feels like a cousin of unknowable to me- not the same, but nevertheless related. adam is endlessly fascinating to me because of the gap between how he perceives himself/thinks others perceive him vs. how others actually do perceive him. the internal effects of his trauma (psychological/emotional impacts, his deafness, and later his connection to cabeswater) is something adam has to untangle primarily alone and out of sight (aside from persephone's) before he can make these experiences visible or knowable to gansey (and tbh i have to finish my series reread to really sort out my thoughts on the arc of this aspect of their relationship post tdt, in which adam becomes more and more inaccessible to gansey, and gansey feels like he's losing him.). noah is also commonly described as invisible in the book, which i think strengthens the argument that he's a foil to adam (at least in trb), given how they are both varying degrees of invisible (and in distinct ways).

[heathtrash]

the tragedy of 4x03 Happy Birthday, Indigo Moon is not that Hecate is sad that she never had the chance to become Indigo Moon's legal guardian.

the real tragedy here is that Hecate was so desperate that she challenged a part of herself that she has never had to deal with before - that of being in a guardianship role - even though it goes against every bone in her body.

the utter, gut-wrenching shame that she feels here is that of personal debasement, when she would have forced herself to go against her instincts and "embrace" a maternal role that she never wanted. it was the only way she saw of absolving herself of her deadly mistake in the past, but it would have been a terrible existence for them both. in this moment, she's processing the role she would have diligently lived even though it would only remind her of her crimes constantly, and also mourning the life she would have lost. she would never have been able to have a romantic relationship with an adult in quite the same way if she had had Indigo Moon to show responsibility for foremost.

she knows she could never "make a wonderful parent", despite what the Great Wizard wrote. it's just something people say when they find out you are having or adopting a child; a statement of willing the "good parent" traits on someone. responsible people do not always make good, loving parents. Hecate could never give all of that to any child, and especially not Indigo Moon.

an emotional outburst like this is also very expected, given that Hecate just was faced with her best friend not knowing her - but she still remembers those thirty years of emotional trauma and self-torment. she almost had her best friend "back", but their relationship was changed irrevocably by meeting as teacher and student. sending her back was a sign of so much greater strength, because she acknowledged that motherhood would never have been a good option for her, and that she was not going to give the child the upbringing she deserved. as a consequence, Indigo Moon had to opportunity to give her own child a "magical" upbringing enough that she was accepted into Cackle's.

nothing ever positive could have come out of the Indigo Moon affair, and there was no outcome that would not have hurt Hecate or involved her sacrificing herself in some way. it's genuinely a tragedy in that sense, but never because Hecate wanted to be anyone's mother.

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Hey there! thanks for the AWTWB asks you’ve been answering—they’ve helped me process some parts of the book and think things through.

that being said I’ve got one of my own questions for you.

one of the things I really loved about Carry On was Simon and Penny’s friendship. One of the things I appreciated about WS was the friendship between Baz and Penny.

but we didn‘t see much of either of those in AWTWB and that kind of bummed me out. What are your thoughts on the lack of those interactions?

hello anon, thanks for the ask! This might be a long one, so bear with me!

Simon and Penny's friendship is one of many wonderful parts of these books. Like you, it's one of the things I've loved to read. I was also so gratified to see that Baz and Penny grew to have such a deep and caring friendship in WS.

It may seem like we don't see those friendships "on screen" in the same way in AWTWB but I do think there are reasons for that, reasons that make a great deal of sense building on the previous books.

Simon and Penny's friendship is introduced in CO and we see it as rock solid through that book. I don't think there was any doubt as to the mutuality and depth of that relationship. It continues, albeit affected by Simon's personal trauma, in WS. In WS we also see the introduction of Baz and Penny's friendship--forged in their mutual care and love for Simon but being a distinct and separate entity as well, a love and caring for each other that goes alongside the relationship they have through Simon.

I don't think AWTWB diminishes those friendships. But circumstances have altered–based on Simon's decision early in the book to withdraw himself from the World of Mages, from the revelations about themselves the trip to America brought forth, with how they choose to move forward based on those circumstances.

I think CO and WS did a good job establishing the foundation and strength of Simon's friendship with Penny and the Baz and Penny one as well. I don't think there is any doubt in AWTWB that they all care very deeply for each other.

But Simon has drawn a line. A boundary. He believes he needs to be distinct and separate from the World of Mages to move forward, to get unstuck. He makes that very clear to Penny in his conversation with her, a conversation that is off-screen for very good reasons I think. One reason being it having a stronger emotional punch when Simon tells Baz (and us) in the break-up chapter--it would have been diluted if we had already heard his reasoning. Instead we get to hear Penny explain her understanding of it to Baz before Simon gives us the much more emotionally devastating version he gives Baz.

We get to see Penny making some very crucial realisations about the co-dependant relationship she and Simon had developed, about her own decisions and reactions to what had been going on in Simon's life. And her role as his friend and confidant. She is seeing things through a different lens–since the Mage's death, since Simon's spiral, since the trip to America. Mitali is rather harsh in her observations but Penny did thrive on the excitement and intrigue of the missions, her role as dread companion, the rush of research, intuition, and creative spell casting that she would contribute. But we saw even in CO that Penny had reached a point of wanting to spirit Simon away, to keep him safe, to pull him away from the World of Mages herself. A part of her that intuitively knew his life as a boy-soldier was unhealthy and hurtful to him in the long run. There is certainly a part of Penny that likely blames herself for not seeing through the Mage earlier, for not in some way protecting Simon or helping him avoid what ultimately happened. Not that she necessarily could have, but she would be thinking about it.

We know Baz feels that way as well. We hear Dr. Wellbelove voice a regret we know those closest to Simon would be feeling. Penny loves Simon. She does respect him. But she has put herself in a “taking care of him” role that takes away some of his agency and leads to a challenging dynamic. She and Baz both, in WS, but Penny has a longer history of that. After America she has come to a realisation that perhaps she has enabled or encouraged some of the situations they have found themselves in, that have been detrimental to Simon in the long run. That her mantra of Simon needing her hasn’t necessarily been healthy for their relationship. He sets a boundary with her and she chooses to respect it, not bulldoze right over it, as she may have in the past. This is a huge moment of character growth for her. She isn't relinquishing her relationship with Simon. She's giving him the freedom to do what he feel is right for him in the moment. She loves and trusts him enough to give him space when she understands he needs it. She doesn't like it, it hurts like hell, but she knows this agency and control and decision making on his own terms is vital for him. And when he calls her back, to help solve some new magickal conundrum, she doesn't let herself get drawn in. She keeps her promise to him, even if he's the one crossing the boundary.

It also allows her to be her own hero, if that makes sense. To be the hero of her own story, to approach something on her own terms. She bemoans the fact that she doesn't have Simon and Baz to listen to her think through things when she's with Shepard but the reality is she doesn't need them to do that--she can do this herself. It's empowering and a shift in her own experience. It also allows her to open herself up to someone new, let someone else in to her tiny circle.

I also think it's important in this story to see that just because someone asks for space, or needs some distance or agency, it doesn't necessarily mean you're losing them forever or that they are permanently rejecting you. Or that you’ve done something irrevocable. People need to grow and process and change and sometimes they need the space and freedom to do so. I think that's a very meaningful point. They last a little over a week apart but it's a week that provides them both with insight and growth. And they find themselves again, stronger than before, when they are back together.

And Simon talks it out with Penny. Baz tells him he should and he does. And it's ok that conversation is offscreen. We know the love they have for each other. We know Penny hates emotional conversations (her whole issue with saying goodbye from Carry On). It's not a scene we need to see--it's ok that it's private. It's how they'd want it.

We don't see as much of Baz and Penny's friendship, which you also mention, but I think again that's ok. It doesn't mean it ceases to exist--it simply continues on in the background as Simon and Baz's relationship work takes the forefront. Yes, Baz and Penny have a disagreement about Simon. But their friendship remains. They still communicate. They are still there for each other in the pivotal later scenes surrounding Smith. That hasn't changed. They have each others backs. They always will. I don't think Penny truly begrudges the fact that Simon and Baz have had this time together--I think she is very aware of how much they care for each other and that they needed to sort themselves to move forward also.

I hope this answered your question. The tl;dr is basically their friendships endure, even when not explicitly on the page. We don’t necessarily need to see them to know they’re there—the groundwork has been laid. We know their history and the depth of those friendships and that this time apart allowed for growth and progress and healthy boundaries and understanding. All good things. And in the end, they're all in this together, for each other and in support of each other.

[wolvesandpetals]

Loki x Sylvie Post-Finale Fanfiction (Angst, Rated Teen) Part 2 of 2

Part 1 is here:

She never knew it would hurt this much when the person she loves is right in front of her, but she can't reach out and touch him; when she is still her, he is still him, but everything else has changed, like an invisible lever in an old theatre changing the scenery in the background, bringing them both to the part of the play where they are hopelessly lost.

[[MORE]]

All it took was one single moment, one single decision, and everything feels irrevocably broken now. It makes her contemplate on the true nature of relationships, how fragile they are, and how easy it is to shatter them- and her.

The smoke is slowly clearing, and all that seems to be left is a man who is doing his best to keep his distance from her, physically and emotionally.

She can tell from the way he stands with his arms crossed, or his fists clenced when his hands are by his side, that he really doesn't want to hold her hand. How can something so simple as the touch of his fingers be so vital to her existence that it feels like something has been ripped out from inside her?

She wants to reach out and touch him, but she is scared that if he pulls away outright, any hope of reconciliation that she still has left will shatter into pieces.

And she really needs this hope. It's the only thing she still has left. It's the only thing that keeps her going.

---

He looks like a man with a mission.

They spent quite a long time together, running from the TVA, running towards the citadel at the end of time, hoping to achieve their goal of bringing down the one behind the curtains.

But that was her mission, and he was there for her. She was the one behind the wheels, he was the one keeping the sails afloat.

Now it's different. Now he has a defined goal, a glorious purpose.

She's seeing him in a whole new light now, and not just because he has switched to Asgardian leather and metal armors.

As far as she is concerned, she is better off doing it all alone. One woman army, nobody to get in her way, nobody to screw up her plans. Nobody to blame her if it all goes to shit.

Or so it was, until two months ago, when Mobius decided to enlist her help in fixing the multiversal madness.

She has never really worked with people before, and it's weird, to say the least. She never considered herself a team player, but she is finding herself hating the idea less and less lately.

And she swears it has nothing to do with him. Not the fact that they are working together, and seeing his face first thing in the morning brings her a sense of calm that she quite can't explain. Or the fact that their rooms are next to each other and it makes her feel secure enough to finally get some rest at nights. Or that this whole arrangement has kept them on talking terms, when they had gone their own separate ways otherwise.

Nothing to do with that at all.

---

Humans are stupid, and the biggest evidence of this is how they decided that two extremely powerful Gods skilled at magic, enchantment, and defeating an evil extra dimensional cloud that swallows everything it touches, should be delegated to the role of research. "You're clever. You're good at reading people. You can put yourselves in the shoes of the bad guys, no offense", they said, but really, what they meant was, "We can't trust you out in the field much." She knows it, he knows it. She just doesn't know why he's complying.

That's how they find themselves researching every single day.

She likes to think he's not the only reason why she's studying in the library instead of in the comfort of her room, but that'd be a lie.

At first, he chooses to sit at a separate table. But she keeps going over to his to "get his opinion" on something in the file she's reading, and finally, he gives in. Their current arrangement consists of him sitting in the chair in front of her, to the left, prim and proper, while she hoists her feet up on the table.

He falls asleep on the desk one night, face smacked against a file, the tiniest bit of drool forming at the corner of his mouth. It would be a hilarious sight, if her heart wasn't feeling what she can only describe as longing.

They should probably talk about it, like mature adults, but neither of them know how to do that.

All she can do right now is gather the courage to run her fingers through his hair. The touch is hesitant at first, as if one wrong move would make him wake up and push her back to square one. Slowly, she relaxes, letting her fingers dance on his scalp.

He stirs in his sleep. "Please Sif. I'm sorry. Don't cut off my glorious locks, please."

Now this is a story she must hear when things are better.

If things are better.

---

Doctor Strange joins them very briefly, very rarely, but the tension between him and Loki is hard to miss. It's worse than the current situation with her, and that's saying something.

"You don't really like Stephen, do you?"

Something inside him seems to shift, but he masks it behind a non-chalant look immediately and just arches an eyebrow at her. "He's Stephen now, is he?"

"Well, that is his name." She shrugs. "What do you call him?"

"Strange", he spits the word out with an amount of irritation that indicates there definitely is a story there. "That is his name", he mimics.

She can't help the smirk that spreads across her lips. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing", he lies, ignoring the horrifying flashbacks of thirty minutes of endless falling. Not a single soul must ever know a mere human got the best of him. "What can he do to me? I'm a God among those mortals. He just irks me because he is so pompous, and arrogant, and he ceaselessly uses magic to toy with others."

She pretends to think deeply. "Now where have I seen that before?"

He scoffs. "You mock me, but I am nothing like him. For one, I am not rude."

"He seems fine to me", she declares decisively.

It's the first time in months that he gives her a cheeky grin. "That's because you're rude too."

---

They are still just containing the threats to their world, instead of finding a way to fortify the barriers between worlds and stop the threats from coming.

"Shouldn't we have a plan to seal off the other worlds from ours?" She asks him one day.

"They are working on it." He tells her, and then with a look of worry, adds, "I hope."

There are debates on what to do at the Avengers tower and at the TVA. Nobody seems to agree on what the best course of action is, but everyone seems to be following the general instructions of Doctor Strange.

During one such meeting, a Minuteman makes the mistake of voicing out loud how she wondered if things would be better if they were running according to their old boss's plans.

Sylvie feels the guilt wash over her once more.

"No", Loki tells them all firmly. The determination in his voice takes her completely by surprise. "Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling, makes no difference. The degree is arbitrary. The definition’s blurred." She catches him steal a glance at her direction. "We couldn't have left a dictator in charge just because it's convenient. Listen, I'm the bad guy. I've done horrible, unspeakable things. I thought humans needed to be ruled. I wanted to rule. But even I know that it's not right to take away a person's life completely. These are innocent people. You are innocent people. You have families back home, parents, children", a pause and a softening of his features, "-love. A whole past, a whole future. That man had no right to take it away from you."

His powers of persuasion are foreign to her, and it's mesmerizing to watch. Her enchantments cannot hold a candle to how he is able to just talk people into doing what he wants, thinking what he thinks, seeing what he sees.

"He who remains had a plan. One, singular plan, from one, singular man." There is absolute conviction in his voice. "It's not the only way. We'll find another way. A better way."

She has never known what it is like to have someone see you for who you are- broken and flawed, and defend you- even your well-intentioned actions that yielded different results than what you expected and hurt them in the process. She suspects it has been the same for him, a lifetime of not having anyone have his back.

The warm feeling inside her is brand new. What is the name of this? Comfort? Relief?

Happiness?

---

This will be their first time out in the field in a long time, and she feels a little sick to the stomach.

He notices. "Are you alright?"

The concern in his voice tugs at her heartstrings. She nods. She has faced way worse, she shouldn't be so nervous about this, but she is. "I've never done this before."

"We can always just kill him and blame it on the Chitauris", he suggests with a serious face.

"I heard that", Peter yells from the other room, where he is doing whatever it is that teenagers do to prepare for battle.

She shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't believe we're babysitting."

"I've done this before", he assures her, and it surprises her to picture him being entrusted with such a serious task. "The trick is to conjure up illusions that keep them distracted enough to not cry."

She laughs. "You're thinking of infants. This one is a little older."

"I'm over a thousand years old, Sylvie. They're all infants to me."

Peter joins them, mask covering his face so that he doesn't reveal his identity. "So what do I call you? Loki and Loki? That's confusing. How about Loki and Lady Loki? Or is that offensive? I'm not suggesting women are inferior, because they're absolutely not..."

"Does he come with an off switch?" She whispers in horror as Peter rambles on.

Loki grins. With one wave of his hand and a flash of green, Peter's own webbing shoots out and seals his mouth shut.

---

Things are fine but not fine at the same time. He's right there beside her, but not there at all. They have their banters, they have their stolen glances, but they haven't had a meaningful conversation since that first day when she got back. She's been putting it off for a long time, but she knows they really do need to have the talk.

She corners him in his room one evening while he's tinkering with a temporal collar. She takes a seat in the chair next to his bed and rests her hand on the table, leaning her head against her palm, before switching position and crossing her arms and legs. Everything about her posture screams uneasiness. If he notices- he probably does- he doesn't say anything.

"You defended me that day."

He briefly looks up from the task at hand and gives her a soft smile. "Of course."

She blinks. "I don't understand." Her hands involuntary rise up to rub her temples. "If you can justify my actions to them, then how can you still be mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you", he says without missing a beat.

"Rubbish", her words come out angrier than she intended. This frustration is the result of the months of status quo they have had. She has to know now, one way or the other. "You're distant. You're guarded", she accuses. Then her voice breaks, as she feels a part of her break all over again with her next words. "You don't hold my hand. Why? Tell me."

He abandons the collar and focuses his full attention on her. Staring straight into her eyes, he answers her. "You know why."

"I wouldn't be asking if I did. Look, if it's because I chose the mission over you-"

"-Of course it's not that." He says decisively. Then a sad smile clouds his face. It's the same look he had when she accused him of conning her to gain the throne. "Do you think I'm the type of man who would want a woman to abandon her life-long ambitions just because she has met someone?"

She knows he isn't. But it still doesn't answer why he is so cross with her. "What is it then?"

He pauses for a moment, trying to decide whether he wants to bare his soul out to her once more or not. There are two ways he can go from here- choose to not let her in again and save himself from the hurt, or trust her again and open himself up to potential pain.

Who is he kidding? Pushing her away- keeping her away- doesn't hurt any less.

There were a thousand things that had to go wrong to bring two Lokis from two universes together. A connection like that, it doesn't just happen.

And it doesn't just go away. The pain is constant, it's a part of him, pounding like a second heart every second he has to stop himself from reaching out for her hand.

This has to come to an end.

He takes in a deep breath, bracing himself. "You didn't have to send me away, Sylvie. I wanted to stop you from making the same mistakes I did. But in the end, I didn't care what you chose. I just wanted us to do it together."

She never even imagined this could be the reason for his hurt. All these months spent thinking he hates her for her choices, and now it turns out he is hurt simply because she chose to do it alone? "I'm sorry." She says sincerely. "I just wanted you to be safe."

"And I just wanted to be there with you till the end." He confesses. His eyes shimmer with the emotions he has kept bottled in for so long. "You go, I go."

She doesn't know what to say to that. She has never been good at articulating her feelings. Tears stream down her cheeks at the realisation that even after everything, he is still there for her.

She didn't cry even back at Lamentis when they thought they were going to die. She doesn't let anyone see her cry when she is sad or scared. That's all she has known her whole life. She's used to it by now.

This is new. These are tears of relief. Comfort.

Happiness.

Tentatively, she crosses over to the bed and sits by his side.

It's quiet for a few minutes. But unlike the months of tension so thick she could cut it into splices with her daggers, this is comfortable silence. The kind they had before it all went wrong.

"Did you even miss me?" He whispers.

"What kind of silly question is that? Of course I did." Her shaking hands grab his, and oh how she missed this.

He intertwines their fingers. His eyes draw closed. Bliss. That's the only word for this feeling.

He opens his eyes again and studies her. She's staring back at him, teary-eyed, but with a hopeful smile. "Really? Because you have a really unique way of showing it. You didn't even come looking for me."

"I didn't know how to face you", she tells him honestly. No tricks, no enchantment, no treachery. Not with him. "I didn't know if you even wanted to see me." Her voice grows quieter, dropping to a timbre that perfectly encapsulates her deepest fear. "I thought you hated me."

"Hate you?" He is shocked that she thinks that is even possible, specially after seeing him these last few months. "Sylvie, I'm working with the Avengers. The Avengers. Do you know how much I hate them? They are my nemesis. They're self-righteous, condescending, and so completely dull. Every second with them makes me want to rip their hearts out. Why do you think I'm here with them?"

She thinks she knows. But she needs to hear it anyway.

"It's because of you." He lays it all out on the table. All cards on deck, win or lose. "You've been running away. I have been the one who has been here, trying to hold down the fort, working to fix everything. Because that is what one does when one loves-"

Shit. The word slips out before he realises it.

Their eyes go wide in unison.

"Sylvie, I-"

"-Don't you dare take it back now." She warns him. "I-" She doesn't know how to say it either. They make such a great pair, both equally daft at saying how they feel, like they are teenagers, not Gods who have lived for centuries. "I've been running because I didn't think I could bear the burden of knowing I found you and then I lost you. I don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever."

He kisses the back of her hand, before letting it go. He cups her face, gently caressing her cheeks with his thumbs. "I don't want to lose you either."

She leans in closer, until their foreheads touch. She can feel his breath on her face, warm and soft. That is exactly how she feels inside. "You won't", she promises. "You go, I go."

---

(Quote on Lesser Evil from The Witcher. Thanks for reading!!)

[wolf-and-bard]

Resigned To Fate

Prompt: Memory Alteration / Gaslighting

Relationships: Guxart/Vesemir (from one of the witcher-centric cards), Lambert/Aiden (background)

Rating: M

Content Warnings: heavy angst, suicidal tendencies, grief, mild gore, self-harm allusions

Summary: In the aftermath of the betrayal of the Cat school, Vesemir has not only his own school to hold together, but also a traumatised lover to care for. In which: Vesemir is strong and Guxart is weak and they find it hard to meet in the middle.

Word Count: ~2k

@witcher-rarepair-summer-bingo​

I.

Witchers survive.

Witchers endure.

Witchers outlast.

No matter the tragedy that befalls them or how difficult the contract. When they're being persecuted and beaten, starved and denied basic human decency. There's always a way forward.

Survive. Endure. Outlast.

Those are the thoughts Vesemir clings to, each sentiment falling as a whisper from his cracked and splintered lips to puddle at his blood- and gut-soaked feet, each word accompanied by the low wheeze of his shovel penetrating dry earth.

He couldn't fight for them, has to bury them. All of them.

He doesn't cry like the pups do, they haven't yet understood.

This is no genocide. This is merely a manifestation of what has been a long time coming, a natural course of history.

Vesemir cradles that truth tight to his chest. He survives, endures, outlasts. It's his birthright, duty, privilege, honour, burden, curse, cure, calling, punishment. It's a law of nature, the first one the new recruits learn when coming to the keep.

Nothing breaks Vesemir.

II.

When the wolves all sleep, the living in bed rolls pushed together in the great hall, the dead in their forever resting places of hard-packed dirt, the new day is already sloshing over the horizon in waves of muted scarlet. Vesemir finds no beauty in that, he doesn't think he will find any beauty in and around Kaer Morhen ever again. All that was tranquil about this place has been soaked in blood and so, it seems, has the sky. He fills a pack with their sorry dinner's leftovers - stale bread, hard cheese, dried berries - foregoes the soup and the spirits. Two deerskins of water and a faded quilt blanket. It smells like cinnamon and honey, like comfort he hopes. It's not cold enough to warrant any kind of coat yet, but halfway across the courtyard, Vesemir finds himself shivering. He unpacks the blanket and wraps it around his own shoulders, then briskly walks out of the keep's enclosures, the sun a cool caress on his stained cheeks. He's never hated her more than in that moment.

III.

She follows him even into the dingy half-dark of the outpost's only bedroom. The curtains are drawn, the room lit by a single artificial torch, but Vesemir finds another echo of the red horizon in Guxart's eyes as they meet his across the few paces that separate them. Seeing him is somehow still a bit of a surprise.

Guxart doesn't look haggard and wrung-out the way Vesemir knows he himself does. In the wake of their shared misery - the imprisonment, the wait, the release to find their schools in ruin and their charges mostly dead or mutilated - Vesemir aged a century while Guxart is frozen in time, barely more than a shell of the witcher Vesemir begrudgingly fell in love with.

His salt-and-pepper hair falls in curls just below his ears and his greyed beard looks freshly groomed, obscuring the permanent tremble of his lips, pressed together to contain the creature of mourning that grows in his chest. His slitted pupils are constantly thin so that they nearly drown in the red hue of his irises. There are but two things about Guxart that have changed in their trudge through agony - in physicality that is. He is pale now - almost as pale as Vesemir, who always used to look like a wraith next to Guxart's light-brown skin - and his voice has lost all its natural thunder. A husk, yes. But not irrevocably so.

Guxart may be broken, but Vesemir is barely more than cracked and he can hold it together for the two of them.

"Ves," Guxart croaks from his perch on the bed and Vesemir doesn't pretend like this is a happy meeting. He draws the door shut behind himself and opens the curtains with a precise blast of Aard. The light that filters in is grimy still and Guxart turns his back on it. It's the only thing he can do. In an act of protection, born from love, Vesemir had to shackle Guxart's wrists and ankles, just so the other witcher wouldn't hurt himself. Last time, Vesemir was nearly too late and that is not something he will stand to experience again. It's a precarious arrangement, temporary, but Vesemir didn't know how else to help either Guxart of himself. Bringing him to the keep would have been certain death for them both.

"I brought food."

"I'm not hungry."

Vesemir puts the pack down by the window and slips out of his boots, then crawls up on the bed and drapes the quilt over both their legs. The sight of it puts his gut in a twist.

This is where he used to let go. Relax his shoulders and drop the teacher, the torturer. Just be. Guxart gave that to him and he to Guxart. Had he any imagination, he would let his head fall to the brick behind himself and close his eyes, imagine it's just another morning after a night spent tangled up in each other, relishing dawn's kiss and each other's presence.

Vesemir is exceptionally bad at self-delusion.

"Will you have water?" he asks. Guxart shakes his head, remaining in his strained position, even when Vesemir jerks his chin to the side in an invitation to sidle up to him.

Guxart, for his part, is exceptionally bad at accepting love and pain at the same time.

"I'm not thirsty."

"Fine," Vesemir replies and they look at each other. It's not a staring contest like they sometimes held across the training fields when their students were locked in combat. It's searching for some remnant of joy and coming up short.

"There's dirt under your nails," Guxart murmurs without breaking the eye contact. "You buried them."

"I did."

"Mine also?"

"They took them back to the Camp."

Vesemir can still hear the hisses of cats, wolves, and swords alike as the witchers collected the bodies of their fallen comrades to separate and honour them. Vesemir suspects that what he feels for Guxart will be the last love ever lost between the two schools.

"It's all my fault."

"Come here," Vesemir says, keeping his tone levelled, understanding. He opens his arms a fraction, a more blatant invitation.

Finally, Guxart slumps against Vesemir, a heaving dead weight. Vesemir brings his arms around Guxart and presses his face into his curls. He finds little comfort there and lots of reminders to all that he lost at the hands of Treyse and Radowit's damned mage. Guxart presses into Vesemir with all the strength his restrained body can muster. They don't fit together quite so well anymore.

"They gave me a choice," Guxart says. "They gave me a choice."

"What choice?" Vesemir asks, mouth dry. He blinks rapidly as he rubs soothing circles over Guxart's sharp shoulder blades. In a moment here, he will have to think about how to feed the other witcher against his will, a painstaking process. Why keep at it?

Because he has to.

Nothing breaks Vesemir.

"They took me away one night," Guxart continues. "When you were asleep. They took me away and told me how I was to arrange it. Their death sentence. And they gave me a choice."

"What. Choice."

"They said they would spare them. All of them, all of our beautiful pups and kittens. They said if I throttled you, they wouldn't make me act out the treaty. It's why we were put in the same cell after that first week."

No such thing happened.

Vesemir knows.

He feared for their schools during their time in Radowit's dungeons, but his mind was sharp always, awake and waiting. Even then, he knew of Guxart's tendencies to slip from reality into madness fashioned by others. A consequence of the meddled-with cat mutagens perhaps, or a personal disposition. Doesn't matter. What does is that Vesemir was awake in the cell opposite - never sharing, never touching - watching his lover pass from one fever dream into the next as they kept him drugged, whispering to him, sentiments Vesemir himself managed to deflect when the guards - or his own mind - threw them at him.

This is your fault.

You brought this upon them, mutant scum.

They will die for your sins.

Nothing. Breaks. Vesemir.

"A lie," Vesemir sighs and presses his lips to Guxart's scalp. The other witcher shudders and the worst part about this is that he knows they will have this conversation again. And again. And each time, Guxart will believe a little less.

"They were our children, Ves. They were our children and I betrayed them. Traded their life for yours. If you had been given the same choice, would you have been strong enough?"

They both know the answer to that. If it had been between Guxart and his wolves, Vesemir wouldn't have hesitated to kill his lover. But that is entirely beside the point.

"There was never such a choice and what happened is not your fault."

"But it is. My fault. I spared you. And then I went on to kill them all. Treyse, he tried to stop me once we got out, but I gave the command anyway. We could have stood together, could have flattened all Kaedwen to dust, but I was greedy. I wanted you and the reward. I wanted... I wanted..."

Nothing ever. Breaks...

"You're talking nonsense. We were only released after the massacre took place, remember? Treyse was the one to commit treason, he gave that command."

"I have to die," Guxart says numbly. He doesn't listen now and his bound hands paw at Vesemir's thighs. "I have to die. You have to kill me."

"No."

"Please, I cannot live with this pain. Knowing it was all my fault, I cannot... how can you?"

Vesemir closes his eyes. Nothing. Nothing has yet broken him.

IV.

There is no containing Guxart forever. Vesemir knows this, Guxart knows this.

He waits, tends to his lover until such a time that he feels he's coaxed Guxart away from the brink of self-destruction at least. At the end, most of what hangs between them is fatigue and resentment, indistinguishable from the scraps of nostalgic affection they yet harbour. Vesemir does not remember what it felt like to love without care. He has to let go.

"I'm sorry, Ves," Guxart says when it's time to part, a whisper over Vesemir's lips in what will likely be their last ever kiss. "I know you mean well, but I cannot believe you. I have to repent."

There is no penance for a crime uncommitted. The only forgiveness you should want for is mine once you leave me here to grief on my own. You will wander and you will weaken and you will wither. Nothing will break me like you will, the moment you fade from sight.

Vesemir bites down on these thoughts. They're silly, selfish, and he is neither.

"Take care of yourself."

Guxart nods and turns and walks away.

And Vesemir doesn't break.

V.

Decades pass.

Vesemir fixes up whatever fissures did sneak up on him, he remains whole, he moves on.

Guxart may be out there, he may not. Vesemir will never know what fate Guxart has resigned himself to and that is acceptable.

It is acceptable.

Until the day Lambert comes home, announcing that he has given and lost his heart to a young cat by name of Aiden. He howls through the night and Vesemir holds him, the way he himself needed to be held back then perhaps, and he understands that all the glue he has been applying to his own heart was a sorry fake.

Vesemir has been broken for a long, long time.

And once he accepts that, he feels the years fall off his shoulders like leaves from an old tree, preparing for another winter. Possibly its last.

[darkfannibal]

I realized something. After 15x19, I want to see Dean grieve Cas, and look for ways to get him out of the Empty. When he realizes there isn’t anything he can do, I want him to move on and live (no piece of rebar, fuck that).

He would start out drunk and sad, being frequently admonished by Sam about his bad habits. He would cry out for Jack to bring him back, but after a while, he’d realize it doesn’t work that way. So he takes what Cas said about him to heart, he decides to become the man Cas told him he is.

At first he and Sam continue hunting monsters, working together with Eileen, Jody, Donna and all of the others. They take down a lot of them, but after a while Sam and Eileen decide to focus on building a family too.

Dean is over the moon when Eileen announces she’s pregnant, and when Sam decides to name their little girl Cassandra, he doesn’t know how to feel. When he first sees his niece, he just knows he’ll love her more than anything.

“Hey Cass,” is the first thing he says to her, and it almost doesn’t hurt anymore.

The three of them stop hunting, leaving the bunker and its legacy in the capable hands of Donna and Claire. Dean often stops in to help them out with some of the more taxing hunts, while Sam and Eileen are only a phone call away when there’s research to be done.

Dean has a steady job first as a mechanic, but as he shows real promise and he knows how to deal with people, he finds himself taking on more and more responsibilities as his boss thinks about retirement. He once helped him get rid of a poltergeist and as a thanks, his boss leaves him the business. Business is blooming, for a few years Dean’s focused on his work and his life.

He often checks in with Sam and Eileen. He takes Cass on trips to Disneyland and The Grand Canyon, and they have loads of barbecues and family outings.

He forms a special connection with Claire after telling her exactly what happened to Cas in the bunker. For a while the two of them did more research on the Empty, but they still come up with nothing. That is when Dean truly accepts that Cas is gone and won’t come back. In a way, Claire’s the only one who understands how much losing Cas has hurt him, so she’s the only one he talks to sometimes.

Life goes on. Dean finds peace and happiness in his job, his family and friends. He’s an awesome uncle to Cass, often helping her hide things from her parents, but never the serious stuff. When he catches her outside smoking when she’s 16, he does tell her off and gives her a lecture about how bad it is for her health. She shrugs, but Dean never catches her again. Whether it’s because his words hit home or that’s she’s gotten smarter about hiding it, he never knows.

At 76, he dies of a heart disease, surrounded by the people he loves the most. Sam and Eileen are there, and so are Cass and her girlfriend and Claire and Kaia (who have been married for a while). It’s a sad and tearful goodbye, but Dean knows his body is done for, he’s ready to let go. After all, he succeeded in being the man Cas believed him to be, and Claire tells him again right before he passes away.

His family throws him a hunter’s funeral like the one Asa Fox got, with lots of people telling stories about him, good music and lots of beer. Many of the stories told center around young and reckless Dean, the one who would have given his life for anyone, but Sam also tells them about how Dean grew old and happy, because of this one angel who saw his value and fell irrevocably in love with him. It’s a goodbye and a celebration of his life, just like he’d always thought it would be.

While Sam and the others are celebrating, Dean arrives in heaven. There’s Bobby welcoming him with a beer. Bobby looks as old as he was when he died, but when Dean looks down, he sees a younger version of himself. Bobby then explains to him that your subconscious chooses the form you take in heaven, and that no one knows how it happens. Jack has kept his word and leaves everyone to their free will, he’s hands off. He does pass by the Roadhouse every other week to try out one of Ellen’s delicious home made pies though.

When Bobby tells him Jack rebuilt heaven and Cas helped, Dean shuts down. He can’t process the emotions coursing through him at the thought of Cas being saved and not coming to see him. Bobby can see the anger build up, but he puts his hand on Dean’s arm to calm him down.

“That’s the one thing Jack changed, Dean. Angels are no longer allowed to come down to earth, not even for a visit, unless they are prepared to fall and start life as a baby, effectively wiping out all their memories of their angelic existence.”

Bobby looks to his side, where the door to the Roadhouse opens and Cas appears.

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

Bobby takes a long swig of his beer and gently pushes Dean up from the bench.

Dean’s face falls when he notices Cas for the first time. He takes two large steps and flings himself into the angel’s arms.

In the 35 years since their goodbye in that store room, Dean has accepted that he could and wanted to fall in love with a man. He even had a few short relationships, both with men and women, but he has always known they would never live up to the memory of Cas so he just never bothered with romance anymore and ended up finding happiness in other things in life. But now, there’s no need to deny himself any longer like he did when he was young. He gently cups Cas’ face and kisses him like he’s wanted to do for years.

When they come up from the kiss, Cas rests his forehead against Dean’s and smiles softly.

“Nothing is worth losing my memories of you, so I chose to remain here and wait for you. I’m proud of you, Dean.”

They both smile and hug again before making their way into the Roadhouse to reconnect with their friends and family.

Dean knows Sam, Eileen, Cass and Claire will be along when their time comes. They have all the time in the world. He grabs Cas’ hand and tangles their fingers together so no one would get the wrong idea. He’s lead a happy life, and now he’s entering the next chapter and things are definitely looking good.

[trickster-4]

Here’s a continuation of What Belos Fears.. It’s much less Crackish.. Sorry it’s what came out..

Emperor Belos had long since lost much of his humanity. The sense of taste was off to him at times. But here and now.. It was absolutely delectable. The smell of the cooked meat and the fried rice. He could definitely smell the special frijoles his mother usually made for him.. Just a small taste couldn’t hurt right?

*SMACK*

Henrietta Noceda was lightning fast at striking with her cane. She was fifty two years old and had her husband has been gone for a very long time.

Eda laughed at the sight while his ex employee Lilith smirked. His daughter Luz giggled along with her girlfriend Amity.. Willow and Gus on the other hand couldn’t contain themselves and began to laugh. Kikimora on the other hand gave them all a glare before giving her boss and annoyed stare.. His mother spoke to him with a stern no nonsense tone.. After all it didn’t matter if her son was six feet tall or ten he was still her son thus it fell to her discipline him for lack of manners..

“¡Nadie toca la comida hasta que estamos todos en la mesa!”

“Yes.. ma’am..” Belos brooded silently he turned to Kikimora who turned her away in a huff.. “I’m sorry..” He whispered..

“You were acting like the last fifty years of our lives never happened Belos..”

“I know… I’ll tell her it’s just..” He slumped before leaning to his assistant leaning towards her. “I’m trying to figure out how to stay in a friendship with Camilla.. I haven’t been with Luz for years.. I want to have a good relationship with my daughter..” Belos looked to Luz his daughter who had barged into the kingdom and shook it too it’s foundations.. “I want her to live on the isle for at least four years..”

“I see..” Kikimora’s eyes widened she was aware of how long it took to develop a magical bile sac.. And once it happened it was a permanent process. Though witches and demons experienced a number of benefits long lifespans, extreme durability, and magic. Yet there was a price to be paid so to speak..

““You wish to play the long game my liege?”

“Yes..”

A low magical environment played havoc on the senses of magical beings and they became sluggish, sickly overtime, and took more time to recover from casting intense spells until they returned to the demon realm. Contrary to his fears Witches wouldn’t lose their magic and could in fact produce more bile it just simply took time.. Luz was already changing Kikimora noted the slight imperceptible edge developing in her ears and nodded. “Very well my lord..”

Luz Noceda his baby girl wanted to learn magic. He couldn’t convince her to like him but perhaps he could quietly support her dream… And if the result of her studying for her dream meant she became a permanent resident of the demon realm and thus became closer to his sphere of influence well that’s just pleasant luck.

“Heheheheh..”

Luz moaned in annoyance and exhaustion at her father’s antics. Although this was actually par for course even before he discovered actual magic he tended to laugh maniacally whenever he was plotting stupid schemes.. Like the time her father cut the antennas of her mother’s brand new television in an attempt to improve it’s reception… That month Belos Noceda had flinch every-time Camilla walked around in chanclas.. Amity patted Luz’s back while letting her lean into her shoulder.

“Hijo, deja esas estupideces ...”

“Sorry Mama..” Belos replied with apologetic tone.. He then saw that Camilla had arrived sitting opposite of him.. He looked at her once more old feelings stirred affection, fondness, and delight. But the depth there was once for those emotions were gone.. He had moved on it was fifty years ago for him..

“So magic is real.. I’m happy for you but can you take off the creepy mask hijo?

“I.. It’s not pleasant to look at but fine..” Belos slowly removed the mask letting his face be seen. His face had become a greenish gray his eye’s sclera had long become black with the amount of bile his body produced now.. He wore a very masculine and attractive mustache..

Luz looked with amazement at the face that was often in her childhood dreams.. A gentle smile holding onto her finger.. Her eyes began to water softly as the memories began to come.. A single large hand came across the table as a finger caught the tear. She smiled softly but gently pushed the hand away not used to the affection and conflicted about who was trying to give it..

With his long black flowing hair and handsome face he was the epitome of nobility. His ears had become the same as his subjects. In the middle of his face was a slash sideways across his face.. He had long since gotten used to hiding such scars to portray an invincible man who could not be broken.. Though throughout all his enemies, Belos laughed, it was his daughter who had nearly take his eye..

“Wow I did not expect evil to look handsome..” Eda observed the tyrant king.. “So you were an electrican.. What’s that..”

“The equivalent of ward repair..” Belos angrily muttered in frustration and annoyance.. He hated his job as an electrician and would choose world conqueror over that any day..

“Ha!! That’s a Dead-end job though that’s hard to believe. I would have expected someone as smart as you to have gone higher in the human world..”

“Belos was always such a passionate boy about his dream.. He never felt an attraction to the sciences unless it pertained to his pursuit of the existence of magic..” As Henrietta spoke Belos took one of the tamales and began to unwrap it.. “He was convinced that magic was real and was determined to find it..”

“Yeesh..”

“He was also a huge D&D nerd..” Camilla noted with a look of annoyance.. Her entire experience with that one game she played was so horrible it completely made her give up on trying it anymore..

“Oh that’s not so bad..” Luz noted with a smile..

“He was a horribly difficult DM… Seriously a level twenty guard in the town you began at?”

“It’s not my fault the entire party was made of murder hobos yourself included!!”

“I was trying to have fun!!”

“Well D&D is also about strategy!!”

The two stood up and began to argue with one another.. It was a familiar occurrence one that Luz was starting to remember when a sad look grew in her eyes..

“I didn’t miss this..”

“Luz..”

*SMACK*

Camilla and Belos were both smacked in the head with a chancla so hard they were knocked back into their seats..

Luz sighed before face palming Amity was shocked at the sight of Luz’s grandmother knocking both Camilla and Belos into their seats.. Eda smiled and took another sip of her drink.. Lilith also smirked and reached for more of the wine to watch her former boss’s humiliation.. Willow and Gus were watching with interest and relaxed smiles..

Kikimora took a long gulp of her wine.. It was surreal what was happening before her eyes, but she already had her fill of it..

Henrietta slowly put the chancla onto her feet and then glared at them hard.. Luz was right there and she didn’t need to be seeing her parents at each other’s throats. There was a look of shame and fear in both parent’s eyes.

“Los niños no es así !! ¡No voy a permitir que discutas frente a tus amigos y familiares!

“Huh, your grandma seems to have good head on her shoulders plus she keeps him in check.”

“She really is amazing..”

“So Belos what’s this I’ve been hearing about you being a dictator on an island?” Henrietta eyed her son making him flinch in fear of her..

“I’ll answer that..” Luz spoke up with boldness in her voice. “For the last fifty years Emperor Belos ruled the boiling isle with an iron fist. He throws those who practice the wild ways of magic into prisons and forces a caste system…”

“Luz why?!” Belos suddenly felt like a shadow was being casted over his body.. “¡¿madre?!”

“Get in the kitchen..”

Emperor Belos sullenly stood up and followed his Elderly mother into the kitchen.. Luz and Amity flinched at the sound of Belos crying as Grandma Noceda disciplined her son… Lilith and Eda had a look of fear at the sound of the chancla.. Guz lowered his head in fear and Willow joined him not too soon after… Camilla took a sip of her wine and looking across seeing Kikimora’s glass was empty filled it up.. Incidentally she noticed the ring on her finger one that looked a lot like the one on Belos’s finger..

“How long?”

“Thirty five years..”

“I see excuse me…” Camilla smiled serenely she turned to a confused Luz and various guests.. “Luz sweetie please escort our guests to the guest room at the edge of the house.. We’ll be back in a moment..”

Later…

Camilla stood next to Belos helping him wash the dishes.. They were silently fulfilling their punishment for fighting in front of Luz and the guests after being reunited.. Grandma Noceda had forced Belos to release all of the residents from the Boiling isles from the Coven systems..

After several hours of conversation Belos was able to negotiate irrevocable terms of surrender with Lilith and Eda as leaders of the rebellion.. Continuing the war would have been devastating to the population.. So a compromise was reached Covens were voluntary and not mandatory with the option to transition to others there would also be no more more Coven Branding… Palismans would have more rights and legal defenses..

Belos would remain Emperor of the Boiling isles for two reasons the first was his supporters were powerful wealthy witches who could fuel the war for a long time…. The second was due to the religious factions being rather ardent in their devotion.. Still he would no longer hold total power..

A council would be formed between the leaders of the rebellions and Belos’s supporters.. Two thirds of that council would be from the rebellion.. Together they would decide new policies and laws and keep each other in check.. It would be a different government they would be making but one that would keep Belos’s supporters and the rebellion from killing each other..

“… I’m not moving back..” Belos spoke softly as he scrubbed the dish..

“I know Belos.. It’s been fifty years for you.. Life is not a novella I didn’t expect you to be waiting on a sea shore for that long..”

“.. I want Luz to move to the Boiling Isles..”

“..I wanted to her to spend time with you.. She deserves to know her father.. That said I don’t trust you to leave her in your care she may stay with Edalyn.. And you may visit her in a neutral location…”

“I understan-“

“Let me finish!” Camilla spoke with with vehemence. “I will also be living with Edalyn for the foreseeable future..”

Belos shivered at the thought of Camilla living so close by. But his daughter Luz would be living closely as well. He sighed and nodded that he understood.

Meanwhile in one of Grandma Noceda’s guest rooms…

“I can’t believe I forgot to tell mom that we’re dating…” Luz slammed her head in frustration against the wall.. She sighed in annoyance before lying down in the bed with Amity.. “This is gonna be soooo confusing…”

“It was a pretty tense day Luz..” Amity agreed with her girlfriend. “We’ll tell her when she moves in with Eda..”

“Ugh..”

“Hey Luz you know we’re in this together right?” Amity asked with a small smile..

“Yeah..” Luz blushed goofily as her girlfriend hugged her..

[bylerchoseme]

Anna’s love for Elsa (An in depth analysis)

The Next Right Thing was specifically written for Anna to show the audience the intensity of Anna’s love for Elsa. The truth of the matter is there is only darkness for Anna when Elsa isn’t a part of her life. We saw her fall into depression because her star supposedly died. She was ready to surrender herself. There is no life for Anna without Elsa. This bothers people. 

Anna being in love with Elsa and wanting to follow her everywhere she goes doesn’t make her Co-Dependent. She needs to be with the love of her life. Co-Dependent is a label used by people that want to avoid the Elsanna ship or don’t want to admit the truth behind why Anna is acting this way. The term is overused and repeated many times. It would be out of character for Anna to leave Elsa alone when she feels something beyond sisterly feelings.

As difficult as it may be for some people to grasp, Anna is coded as being in love with Elsa. If you want to see it, it’s there in front of you. If you don’t want to see it, it’s still there regardless. Her story is being told in a very blatant way. A lot of people are questioning things between Anna and Elsa (more than ever before) and I will respect the integrity of these people by not making their comments public. 

For a sisterly dynamic, boundaries need to be met. Anna and Elsa have no filter especially Anna. Disney didn’t even try to hide anything either. Their comment about not listening to fans demands and writing the story they want to tell ties into this too. Over the years Elsanna became very popular and people complained about shipping two sisters. They could have been written lightly in the second film to not give fans more reasons to love Anna and Elsa together romantically. However, the opposite happened. 

In Frozen 2, Anna found reasons to touch Elsa. Some Things Never Change is at the beginning of the movie. Anna and Elsa were holding hands shortly during this song and at the end Anna pulled Elsa in for a tight hug. It’s the how she does it that gets to me. She extends her hand like a partner would and looked at her in a particular way. She didn’t hesitate waiting one second before bringing her closer. They appeared to be in a relationship.

Call me crazy but every new scene Anna shared with Elsa further validated how deeply, truly, and irrevocably Anna was in love with Elsa. I’ve never seen a character so willing to go to such lengths for someone and not giving it second thought. Anna teaches us about patience, loyalty, trust, certainty, and determination. She is something else. She is the first character I came across that became a game changer.

The only consistency in all of Frozen is Anna’s love for Elsa. Anna has never (not once) second guessed herself when it came to Elsa. Her feelings for Elsa didn’t change before, during, and after the six years. Elsa was a constant in her life. The writers didn’t ruin this part of Frozen. When we begin to consider everything, Anna hasn’t been out of character when it came to Elsa. She loved her then and now maybe even more.

I didn’t think it was possible for Anna to fall harder for Elsa. She proved me wrong. Her heart has unlimited love for Elsa on an unreachable level. I could even call it ‘the rarest of the rarest love.’ It means exactly as it sounds.Her love for Elsa is unstoppable. We’ve seen how far that love went.

Anna climbed the North mountain for Elsa. She froze for Elsa. She went into fire for Elsa. She did The Next Right Thing for Elsa. She jumped a cliff, put herself in danger with the trolls, and stood on the Dam as the stones were coming at her in memory of Elsa. I know this sounds a bit absurd but let me explain. She fought hard to not survive. She didn’t want to live. She wanted to die and forget her misery.

There isn’t anything Anna wouldn’t do for Elsa. She loves her more than humanely possible. To love someone so much is to love like you’ve never loved someone at all. Elsa is her first, only, and last love. She is absolutely crazy about her. I am not sure if Anna is aware of the degree of her love for Elsa. She doesn’t have to think about it.

Anna’s love for Elsa has been emphasized intensively in both films and the shorts. All of her actions, words, and tone of voice when she says certain words aren’t light. She doesn’t know how to be a sister. That’s not her fault. She wasn’t raised to be a sisterly figure to Elsa. She doesn’t want to be a sister to her even by choice.

A saying I came up with is “Sisters by chance, lovers by choice.” You don’t choose who to love. Love chooses you. It’s almost like Disney wanted reactions out of us in regards to Anna and Elsa to sell their original idea of romantic love interests. We saw right through them. The truth eventually comes out. They should have made Anna and Elsa friends.

Anna climbed the North Mountain for Elsa and they were strangers. She didn’t know anything about her and yet she was willing to fight for her no matter the outcome. How do you go so far for someone you barely even knew or know at the time? What was her motivation? Why did she do this? The answer is simple. I don’t even have to explain anything. Elsa was a mystery. Anna wanted to know that side of her because she wanted to be the first person to let her in while everyone else was scared.

Next thing you know... Anna froze for Elsa. The question about whether or not she knew she would die is somewhat subjective. I guess there is a part of her that didn’t care either way. The point is she gave her life. She died loving Elsa. I know some people like to say she would have eventually unfroze with or without Elsa’s love but the message is true love. A hug broke the spell and brought her back to life. She needed to feel Elsa’s love.

Following Elsa into fire went along the lines of “If you die, we die together.” There wasn’t another option. Anna experienced life and death situations for Elsa. The possibility of dying from fire exposure didn’t cross her mind when Elsa was in trouble. She wanted to save her even if she didn’t make it. Anna’s loyalty to Elsa is everlasting. She will go the distance for her no matter how far or life threatening.

The cliff jump was reckless. She didn’t have any ounce of guilt. She wanted to be where Elsa was and was determined to get there somehow. I watched this sequence a few times and noticed how little she paid attention to reaching the other side. If she didn’t make it, she didn’t make it. If she made it, she made it. Her mind was already dark. She was long gone.

Finally, the dam moment. That’s the final moment of Anna. I keep imagining the stones not missing and hitting her directly. Only when the dam was collapsing did she attempt to fight for her life but when you consider the proximity of the stones when the giants first started throwing them, she wanted to be hit. There wasn’t a response from her at all. That’s how little she cared about living. This is all as a result of Elsa presumed dead. Anna’s story arc was dark. We didn’t see her like this before because she had nothing to lose until she lost everything.

A small part of me wishes the writers followed through with Elsa’s death to show the full impact on Anna coping with the loss of her true love. The story would have changed drastically. I know this would have been too much for a children’s movie but death is inevitable. Elsa dying over the separation makes sense. I have a head-canon about Anna finding Elsa dead. I feel like Elsa should have been washed on shore from the sea and Anna seeing her lifeless body and as she held her singing her solo number. Now of course I don’t want Elsa dead which is why there would be a twist in the story-line.

Anna’s love for Elsa is permanent. If she were to stop loving Elsa, it would be a shock and character assassination. I can’t fathom Anna putting anyone above Elsa. That’s wishful thinking for some people. Whenever I think she could not love her more, she proves me wrong. Elsa gives Anna reasons to keep falling in love with her even though she hurts her. Love isn’t meant to be busy.

Find someone that loves you as much as Anna loves Elsa. To say that’s impossible would be an understatement of the year. No one except Anna is capable of loving a person in such a jaw dropping way. That’s why there are struggles in real life relationships. No ones love for another comes close to Anna’s love for Elsa. I’m not exaggerating. I mean it.

Elsa is very lucky to have Anna. No one can love her like Anna which is why Elsa being in a relationship with anyone else is unrealistic. They can’t give her what Anna does. She is all set. No one can come in between them. Elsa has to stay single.

Another part of me wonders if Anna was the one to die, how would Elsa deal with that? Imagine Anna breaking the dam to fulfill the last right thing and Elsa returning to her sister dead. Elsa learning Anna saved her but had to die in the process would be devastating. She would be faced with a dilemma. Neither deserves to suffer. However, I am imagining different possibilities.

Fate decided Anna had to fall in love with Elsa. Fate is always certain. Things happen for a reason. Anna and Elsa use the word sister or sis so loosely. Just because they say it doesn’t mean that’s how they feel. Actions speak louder than words. Words have to mean something. That’s why the sis and sister label doesn’t translate well.

Anna is usually the first one to initiate something with Elsa. She needs her touch. She needs her closeness. She needs to feel her. She needs it all. I can’t remember a time when Anna didn’t want to be in physical contact with Elsa. She would hold her forever if time were to freeze and let them be.

It takes determination to show up at Elsa’s closed door everyday for 13 years. Anna had hope they would one day come face to face. She tried everything she could to be a constant in Elsa’s life even though a door was blocking them. Love is a powerful force in the world. If you believe in love, anything is possible. She was dedicated. She didn’t leave Elsa behind.

One of the saddest moments is Anna’s last memory of Elsa before she died. She was angry with her. Little did Anna know that might’ve been the last time she saw Elsa alive. Somewhere along the way, Anna forgave her. Staying mad at her for too long isn’t in Anna’s personality. On the bright side...she was able to hug Elsa before her world crashed down.

Anna’s love for Elsa is immerse. She loves her wholeheartedly. She gives so much of her heart to Elsa. If only we could all feel the same love Elsa does whenever Anna does something for her or delivers a heartfelt speech. Fantasy overtook reality in the sense it’s our reality.

Anna’s love for Elsa may have ruined romance for me. In other words, Elsanna is the summary of my relationship. Watching Anna love Elsa makes me not want a romantic partner in real life because it won’t measure up to that. She raised the bar of how a person should be loved.

Elsa ruined Anna for other people. The struggles of being related to Elsa must be complicated for Anna or are they of the same blood? Unless you’re Elsa, the chances of having a successful future with Anna decreases the odds. Is there anyone more compatible for Anna than Elsa? No. They can relate to each other. They have history.

To sum up Anna’s love for Elsa......Frozen 2 was a love letter indeed. It was a love letter because Anna couldn’t deny her love for Elsa. Rather than a typical love letter, it was a love letter come to life. Anna was living in her love for her true love. True love is a constant reminder for Anna and Elsa. Anna should have sang this phrase “Some things stay the same like the love that I feel for her.” This is Anna’s story.

[youlooklikearealbabetoday]

I love your ke analysis. I don't know if someone already asked u this, but i wondered if you think that Eve, in some ways, is in love with Villanelle. And do you think that if they'll ever have sex, Villanelle will get bored and get over her?

*villanelle voice* EVEEE?! oh she is even though she can’t and won’t admit it in the most typical way but when are these two idiots ever typical. remember that eve is a woman who’s entire early-forties existence before v was implied as relatively predictable — “i basically married my dad.” while i have no doubt there’s always been a dark ribbon of hunger running through eve’s life that we haven’t been privy to fully comprehend yet that only just started to fully unearth itself, the sheer weight of these upheavals and changes that v served as catalyst is not something i can imagine one just accepting and admitting to in less than a few months time let alone it being wrapped and tied to a woman who is an international assassin, who everyone in eve’s life is telling her is incapable of feeling anything, who murdered her best friend and manipulated her into killing a man. phew. but they are inexorably tethered, for better or worse. listen to the differences in the two “no’s” she utters in relation to v telling eve she loves her (vehement) vs. saying eve is in love with her (softer, more unsure)…the delivery difference of those lines is quite stark, thank you queen sandra. not to mention how eve independently committed to v in deeper ways than we could’ve known in first watching that scene with carolyn in 2x08 — knowing what v was capable of in the face of standing up to her and embracing it nonetheless. it’s all so tragically romantic it makes my organs ache.

anon my brain litchurarlly melts thinking about v and eve having sex liiikke can you imagine just how intense their first time would be? the fusion of anger, frustration, desperation, passion, and sheer obstinance these two share …. i will say though that doesn’t mean i think that hours of mindblowing sex would magically resolve all of the obstacles in their way (though i’d like to see it shshshshhhhh) related to their own individual perceptions of what the other means to them and what they mean to the other. right now those lines have not intersected and while the sex would be beyoooond, ultimately it wouldn’t be enough if their intentions and expectations aren’t aligned. which brings me to the possibility of v getting bored of eve which — at this current point in time — i do think so, yes, she could eventually. however one thing i want to make clear is that her boredom would not be a direct effect of finally having sex with eve nor is it the same as getting over eve which would be impossible for v.

the reasons i think she could get bored of eve at this point in time is that because, as i mentioned before, part of her perception of eve is built upon a matchstick foundation of her idealization of normality. while v may crave for some version of it it ultimately is something she doesn’t completely understand what it entails to have and maintain and deep down will want in the long term. we also know she’s completely bored of a more supposed ‘free’ life where she can buy and travel and kill but still feels ‘nothing.’ i also don’t see eve being content with that existence, nor with her former one as much as she may try to fall back upon it. while we understandably think first and foremost about the possibilities of v getting bored of eve there’s also the very real possibility of eve getting bored of v, esp if we’re taking seriously villanelle’s ‘we are the same’ and viewing konstantin’s assessment of the hungry caterpillar as it relates to not only v but eve as well. from eve’s very introduction we got the sense of restlessness within her. how unsatisfied she seemed even in describing her earlier days in her first ‘interview’ with carolyn in the empty restaurant. similarly eve is in the process or already has systematically destroyed her close relationships, has manipulated, lied and so forth in the name of personal pursuits and in discovering these deeper parts of herself. we know they can only find it in each other but will there ever be a respective point of fulfillment for eve and v? what does that look like?

i think what it comes down to with them both is that while boredom seems like a huge roadblock to them finding some sort of medium, to me any ‘success’ in establishing something is less about somehow ‘avoiding’ or ‘removing’ it but rather how do they factor that INto their own version of normal. is it forever leaving elaborate gifts of the bloody and not so bloody kind? is it forever chasing each other around the world? when even the show doesn’t know the endgame and are discovering it as they go, it’s certainly hard to theorize…. but it’s also exciting. they truly aren’t like any other couple.

that brings me to v ever ‘getting over’ eve and to me that’s an emphatic no. not by a long shot. in this scenario boredom does not necessarily equate getting over someone especially when it comes to eve and how irrevocably she has changed v (and vice versa). villanelle has met her match in eve and those emotions that jc herself said that in s3 we’ll see more of that have been unearthed bc of eve that v has pushed down for so long are not something she can detach from eve, though she may try. between that and their physical dual scars, they’re bound.

while i don’t have a step-by-step guide for how this could realistically pan out as there’s still so much we don’t know about them and this show is wildly unpredictable in the best way to me, at least, it all goes back to what i said before of them needing to recode and redefine what normal means individually and between each other — to continue their self-actualization, in other words. ultimately the hope is fulfilling their respective needs without trying to mold and control it for the other. we saw v attempt something along these lines with her learning from her past experience with anna and her husband and actively deciding to not kill niko even though no doubt that would’ve been the fastest point A to B route in getting eve in her mind (we’ll save the whole framing niko for gemma’s murder for another time lol). she may not fully understand it but she understands it enough to know that it would have lasting consequences for her and eve. “but eve would never forgive me if i hurt you, niko. would she?” the delivery of that line, thank you queen jodie.

i probs presented more questions than answers… but this show ya know smh. what do you think? would love to know your thoughts and thanks for the q’s.

[thatwasthenightthingschanged]

Here’s the next part of what I like to call “The Taylor Swift song analysis series”! In which I, a German girl majoring in English, attempt to analyse or interpret Taylor’s songs to shed more light on a) her incredible song writing skills and b) songs that are generally very underrated and deserve more attention. (here’s the link to all my song analysis)

Today’s analysis is for State Of Grace. I have actually decided that for now I will be going through the songs on RED chronologically because I have found it to be quite interesting how Taylor tells a story line from basically going from a toxic relationship to trying to get over it to finding something good and right again and I really really want to share my thoughts on it. (also, as always, a short psa that this interpretation is extremely subjective meaning that’s just how I see the song! also that I’m no native speaker so I probably will not be able to get any cultural references in any of Taylor’s songs - but feel free to add them in a reblog :) )

“I’m walking fast through the traffic lights, busy streets and busy lives. And all we know is touch and go” The first verse to me is Taylor’s observation to how everyone deals with love. Here she says everyone is busy and no one has time to really get to know someone, so instead it’s just a process of “touch and go” meaning you physically take what you can from someone for a limited amount of time and when you get bored, you set out to find someone new. Also really interesting because this talks about the issue generally but when we go one with the album tracks, we will also see that it’s really reflexive of what she experienced as well. So although she’s talking about a more general observation, she also recognizes that she belongs to the “we” experiencing these things, too.

“We are alone with our changing minds” People feel lonely, and they freak out if they have to spend too much time inside their minds which are constantly changing and evolving. So to escape that, they search for someone to distract them.

“We fall in love ‘til it hurts, or bleeds, or fades in time” People then fall in love with their entire being, their entire soul and pour everything they’ve got into the other person and stay until it’s way beyond being a good relationship just for the sake of their initial feelings. They stay until they’re hurt, which is something you might more easily recover from then when you stay until you bleed, when the other person has given you a semi-permanent damage to deal with. Or they stay until they feel the love for the other person slowly fade away over time. It also seems to me as if the latter is pointed as something inevitable? But I’m just rambling here.

“And I never saw you coming. And I’ll never be the same.” That’s the thing about falling in love, you can plan for it as much as you want to, but in the end it always hits you at the most unexpected times (which reminds me Of Everything Has Changed but I’ll probably come back to that when I do that song’s analysis). And when you fall in love, when you take that step and decide to be with someone, they will inevitably change you, no matter what, for good or for worse.

“You come around and the armor falls, pierce the room like a cannon ball. Now all we know is don’t let go” This is the moment when the relationship reaches a new depth. Now it’s gone beyond the initial spark, Taylor lets her armor, her walls, fall for this person and opens up to them. “Pierce the room like a cannon ball” makes me feel like it felt like a spark she felt, like that feeling you sometimes get when you suddenly realize how important a person is to you and how much more than you thought before you like them. Now, because they have reached this new depth, she actually really cares about losing this person and really, desperately, wants to stay with them for as long as possible, maybe even forever? (and this later in the album is going to be very problematic)

“We are alone, just you and me, up in your room and our slates are clean: Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes.” The first part kind of gives me the vibe of “me and you against the world no matter what other people say”. They have also accepted their respective roles within the relationship and to me it kind of feels really focused on physical appearance? but that might be reading too much into it. Anyways, we all know that the fire signs refers to their zodiac signs and the eye color is also quite obvious.

“So you were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrongs.” So she knew right from the get-go that this person was probably not good for her (see also: IKYWT) but she tried to justify it by saying that she hasn’t been perfect either so that doesn’t have to mean anything, maybe he could or would do everything right with *her*.

“We learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts, but this love is brave and wild.” This could either refer to their past relationships, how both have been irrevocably hurt by ex-partners but Taylor feels like this love is different. But since it’s written in present tense, I feel like it could also refer to their current relationship? Like already she is getting used to the other person hurting her but, again, justifies staying to herself by telling herself that this love feels different and that has to be a good thing.

“This is a state of grace” Actually had to look up the meaning of that phrase because I’m no native speaker and google told me it’s a “condition of being free from sin” so perhaps she feels like this relationship is perfect, and that it will last forever. But because it’s only a “state” (to go by the literal meaning now) it is already implied that it won’t last forever, despite what she might wish for.

“This is the worthwhile fight” I couldn’t help but notice how often this song draws on fighting imagery. It almost gives me the feeling as if she feels like she has to fight to earn the love of her partner, but she thinks it’ll be worth it since he might be the one.

“Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right” Basically saying there are no rules when it comes to love but you have to be honest and give it your best, otherwise love is doomed to fail. This sentence, which is repeated at the end of the song again, for me sets the mood for the entire album and kind of “spoils” that as the relationship is playing out, it is not “good and right” and that’s why it was doomed to fail.

“These are the hands of fate” She feels as if falling in love and being with this person is out of her control, it’s inevitable. (a theme which is touched upon in many of her songs, e.g. Gorgeous)

“You’re my achilles heel” Back to something which ties to the fighting theme. So we are still at the beginning of the relationship, but she already knows that this person will be the reason for her eventual downfall, her achilles heel.

“This is the golden age of something good and right and real.” This lyric seems kind of off to me, since she has admitted in the previous line that she knows this person will not be good for her. This contradicts this. However, I think it ties into this torn state of one the one hand knowing that a person is so so wrong for you but at the same time being so in love that you just ignore that initial gut feeling and keep going.

[bookandcover]

Haunting, complex, raising many questions and intentionally giving no easy answers--this is a beautiful novel, compressed into a glittering, sharp gem. I was really pleased to receive this novel as a gift and as a recommendation from my literary friend. I hadn’t heard of Alexander Chee before this book, but he’s clearly someone I should know. The space his work inhabits--between fiction and nonfiction--is a lovely, poignant suspension, dream-like, that asks us to consider others’ lives and to look critically at our own. 

It seems an oversimplification to compare Edinburgh to Lolita--both beautiful novels dealing with the fringe topic of pedophilia--because this book is its own thing, its own life. Yet, I did think of Lolita while reading this because of the beauty of the prose and the awareness of beauty on the part of the author. The sense of beauty that permeates these pages, that takes on a life of its own and transcends above any subject matter, reminded me of Nabokov. Chee’s prose is stunning, direct, effervescent--like sinking into a crystal, still lake. Chee writes, as Fee contemplates and then attempts suicide for the first time: “The new year is underway, and the snow makes everything seem perfected, cleaned off and put away until the spring. The evergreens are the suggestion or the idea of a tree, a green shadow helmeted in white. And the bare trees, arterial, reach out as if they give up something of the earth to the air above.” The novel’s characters, like Chee through his prose and his literary craft, experience a love of beauty, and a longing for it, which creates both a contrast and a resonance with the darkest moments in the novel. Chee’s characters struggle with depression, violence, self-harm, sexual assault, and the erasure of their identities. But, at the same time, they leap toward beauty--elegant lines of others’ bodies captured in art, mythology and history studied and retold, repeated motifs of fire and foxes burning brightly against a dark landscape, and the ever-present sublimity of nature. 

I, personally, was very aware of the setting of this novel as part of its beauty. The landscape of Maine--the weather, the flowers, the ocean, the outdoors--is woven throughout the book. This landscape seems to exist in relationship to the emotional state of the narrator (whether Fee or Warden). The natural objects are not symbols, as they too often are in literature. Stones and butterflies don’t represent something that they’re not. Instead, they appear at the right moments, as if summoned into being by the emotional state of each narrator. Or, perhaps, each narrator is able to see them, suddenly, because of a familiarity, a recognition between his inner life and the outer life of the world. We, the readers, notice these connections. Warden sees the glacial erratics, in the oceans and fields, and asks Fee about them just when he feels out of place, just when he feels shattered against a larger, impossible stone. Fee works for Speck and sees his painted fresco of Edinburgh, encounters the letter from the trapped man, right when he feels buried, assumed “dead” by those around him. But we’re not asked to overanalyze these objects, to cheapen them through assignment of meeting. Their role, instead, is to create affinity--a common feeling, an intimacy--between a vulnerable human and a, somehow, sympathetic world. 

It was certainly an odd experience to read a prominent book set in a place I’m so familiar with; I swam in the Cape Elizabeth pool for swim meets in middle school and high school, I camped throughout Maine, I drove through the streets of South Portland that Chee mentions, my guy friends growing up were in Boy Singers of Maine (which Chee calls the Pine State Boys Choir in the novel). Especially in the first section of the book, this familiarity took some getting used to. But it also added to the experience of reading for me. It felt like this story was being told to me by a friend, someone close to me and talking about things I was familiar with. Fee’s experiences, therefore, took on the added horrifying level of proximity, a kind of “this could be me” or “this could be my close friend” feeling. I felt, acutely, the privilege of this not being me, of having been able to grow up slowly and at my pace. Of having been able to ask questions about myself and my identity when I was ready to and not on someone else’s schedule or with someone else’s cold, self-serving interference. 

One of the values of this book, I think, is the way that it does not provide easy answers about pedophilia, sexuality, queerness, and identity. I love the fact that, in the second half of the novel, Warden shows us the experiences of a teenager wildly attracted to an adult, crossing the stigmatized border between adult and child in a very different way than it is crossed by his father Eric Gorendt. At the same time, the novel’s awareness that the line between adult/child is not simple, and that love and attraction can move across it, does not lessen nor excuse Big Eric’s crimes. Big Eric’s crimes are never treated as anything less than horrifying and reprehensible; we see the terrible impact on the boys he assaulted--from Peter’s suicide to Zach’s suicide. Yet, at the same time, we’re privy to Fee’s guilt, his confusion over whether his sexuality played some strange role in these crimes. Fee seems to repeatedly wonder whether Big Eric sensed in him some affinity, some willingness to be complicit? Fee’s misguided guilt, his confusion, his ongoing obsession with Peter and boys who look like him allows us readers to view all these issues and questions around attraction as ones that are deeply complex. We can, and we are asked to, condemn Big Eric. But we are not asked to condemn attraction beyond the barriers that are normally established by society. And we are asked to question our own assumptions, about anything. 

At the heart of this novel, there is love. It’s a novel, fundamentally, about love. Love that is not to be confused with attraction, with obsession, with selfishness--although the characters question themselves, repeatedly, on the reasons they experience all of these feelings. I’m not sure I understand the ending of this novel--a lot seems unresolved--as it spirals into a rather shocking resolution with Warden’s attack on his father (the kind of decisive action Fee never seemed to be able to bring himself to?), the sudden affair between Fee and Warden, and Fee’s choice (is it final?) to abandon Warden and return to Bridey. After thinking about this a lot, my interpretation is that the ending works as a reminder of the central, essential role of love. Love is healing. Fee is the main character and he moves through the novel from a place of trauma to a resolution in healing. The novel, while feeling unfinished around certain plot points, is finished when its narrative arc is understood to be Fee’s journey toward healing. His brief, passionate relationship with Warden allows him to directly address the long-term trauma that he carries, which has solidified in an obsession with Peter and Peter’s death. At the same time, his choice to let Warden go, to go back to Bridey, shows real growth and healing. Fee chooses the relationship that means “moving on.” He chooses the adult relationship and the life he built for himself, and not the relationship that is about processing and recycling his past. Fee’s choice is an act of self-love, an act of healing, an act of freedom. 

It’s a bit troubling(?) that this act of self-love, this choice, might come at expense of other characters. The jury’s still out on whether “troubling” is the way I feel about this... The novel does a good job setting up Bridey’s character and liberating him from this; he loves Fee wholly and this love comes with understanding. He understands that Fee needs to process his past and he is not irrevocably hurt by this (in fact, he almost seems to see Fee’s affair coming, with his comments on “needing to keep in practice in case I get dumped.”) Bridey finds Fee at the end of the novel. He knows him. He waits for him. And this is the love that changes Fee, that allows him to choose a life free from his past. The Lady Tammamo myth circles around again at the end of the book, as Fee reflects that “love ruins monsters.” All Lady Tammamo needed to do to become human was to love one man. Fee, too, seems to become human, in his own eyes, faced with Bridey’s unconditional love. There is hope for them, going forward, awareness of a new version of Fee that is better to be in love with. 

But what of Warden? We don’t get Warden’s resolution, his reaction to Fee’s departure, and I wondered about this. Warden’s descriptions of his love for Fee always got to me, always took hold of my heart and squeezed, transfixed me--like the butterflies he preserves on pins. These are the kinds of lines you’d want to write and rewrite, on journals, on skin, in places you’d see them everyday. 

“And so it is that the faint, caused by my thinking of the theft of the picture, is the first reason he takes me in his arms.” 

“I love him, I say, surprising myself. When he’s around, it feels like he’s in charge of everything in me. I don’t know what to do with that. Do you kiss it? I don’t know.” 

“So let me get this straight. You throw up so much that you are fainting, and now you have been prescribed drugs, because you want this man so much, but, you aren’t gay.” 

“How tear, as in to cry, and tear, as in to rip or pull, how they’re spelled the same? You could write them and someone reading would not know if you were crying or separating.” [Outro: Tear, anyone?]

I wanted happiness and healing for Warden, as well. But the bird inside him scares me. Perhaps his story is another story--Warden’s story, he was part of Fee’s only briefly. Is Warden’s story a tragedy or one in which he comes to know himself, though this experience of young love, and moves on--also looking to the future, and not the past? I hope so. If Fee has left Warden behind, another hurt child, that ending for this novel is, certainly, troubling. 

I don’t have an easy answer here (or anywhere). But the novel’s resistance to resolution/finality is realistic, and one of the most powerful moves of this story, as it inhabits that uncanny valley between fiction and non-fiction.