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jamies-rambles · 7 months ago

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The Butler's Secret

Binero/RyanColdson, Bineryan Divinity, Domito, Jeremy, angst, hurt no comfort, drama, substance abuse

2300 words

Author’s note: this one is a bit darker than my previous tales. Check the tags and read at your own risk. As always, if you are one of the people in the story, please do not feel offended. This is a work of fiction. Have fun :p

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(Ryan POV)

The sun rising over Coastle woke Ryan from his sleep, his master still snoozing beside him. I had been a few weeks since he started working for him. He was grateful for the job, of course, and he cared for him, but that didn't mean it was easy. He was weak and frail while his master was an all powerful deity, nearly immortal. He did his job to the best of his abilities, but something inside him said it might never be enough. Whether this was true or just needless worry he didn't know.

Ryan got up to get dressed and prepare breakfast for himself and his master. He had mostly moved in to the Bluebin apartment, although his still owned his house on the Eastern island as well. He knew he should tear it down or sell it, but something in him couldn't let go of the security of having a plan B. He didn't want to be homeless again. The sound of Binero getting up in the other room snapped him out of his thoughts, and he returned to his duties.

He had a business plan, of course, he wasn't naive enough to think his butlering alone would make him rich. He had been laying the foundations of his plan to sell drinks to the citizens of Coastle by handing out free samples. Once they were all addicted to his drugs, he could ask good money for them. It might not be entirely ethical, he thought to himself, but it was a solid plan. He had a rich man dream after all.

Binero had joined him, they said good morning to another and enjoyed the breakfast Ryan had prepared. They chatted a bit about nothing, if they had slept well and what they were planning to do today. Binero had some Bluebin business to attend to and didn't need his butler for that, which would give Ryan some free time. He would spend it cleaning out his old home and move his things. "I'll be back later when you need me, master," he said before getting up to leave. "I'll see you later," replied Binero, and then added: "I love you." Ryan hastily put on his hat and closed the door behind him.

(Binero POV)

"He didn't say it back," Binero mumbled to himself. Maybe he hadn't heard him? No, he must have, he said it loud and clear. The first weeks of their partnership had been like a dream, he felt as though the illusion of perfection had been broken in an instant and doubt filled his heart. Now that he thought of it, Ryan had seemed more distant the past few days. Was there something going on he didn't know about? He couldn't stand the thought of Ryan keeping big secrets from him, but it was very possible. How well did they really know each other? Things had moved so fast, he hadn't really stopped to think, and now that he had started, he couldn't help but feel worried that he would end up being alone again. Just like he had been, before... Well, maybe he was just overthinking it. Maybe all would be fine. He had work to do anyway, he couldn't spend his day worrying about what was probably nothing.

(Ryan POV)

"Honey, I'm home!" Ryan was greeted by a hug and a gentle kiss. Domito didn’t actually live with him, but he visited a lot. He was pretty much a permanent visitor and tended to watch the house while Ryan was away. "I've missed you. How is the new job?" Ryan ended the embrace and walked over to the kitchen. "Shall I make us some drinks?" he asked. "Always the servant," Domito chuckled. "Take a break, let me get the drinks. And you're avoiding the question." The piglins looked at him judgingly, as if they agreed. Ryan hesitated. He had never intended to be unfaithful to his fiancé, but life happened. He had promised Binero he would do just about anything for him, he didn't want to say no to his master. And he did care for him, of course. He cared for them both very much. Maybe it was his people pleasing nature that had gotten him into this complicated situation. Regardless, he didn't want to burden Domito with the knowledge and thought it best to act as if nothing had changed. "The job is good," he said. "Binero is a nice man." Domito seemed pleased with this answer and nodded. "He asked me to move in with him," Ryan added carefully. "It will be easier to do my job when I live on Coastle. No more boating back and forth every other day"

Domito was quiet for a moment. The homely sound of flowing lava and grunting piglins hung between them. "I've told you before," he said, "that I want to live where ever you are. If you're moving, I’ll come with you. We should find a house on Coastle together." It was a good offer, of course, one he would gladly have accepted under different circumstances. But Binero couldn't know about his engaged status. Domito moving to Coastle was asking for problems, and he couldn't risk it. He had a good thing going here. "You do not need to move there for me," he said. "I know you do not like crowded places, and you would rather live out here where there is more space. You should take this house" It wasn't a lie. Just bending the truth a little. He could see Domito wanted to say something, but stopped himself. He had that frown he always had when he was trying to find the right words to say. "You know I trust you," he started. "And I"m not usually the jealous type, but I would like to meet this new boss of yours. Just to see who it is my man is spending so much time with. Make sure he doesn't steal you from me." The last part was said as a joke, but it was just serious enough that Ryan knew he had to be careful. "He is not that special," he lied. "Well, I would like to meet this perfectly ordinary man anyway," said Domito. Ryan sighed. He knew his fiancé could be stubborn, and he wasn't getting out of this one. "Fine. Come with me to Coastle later today, I shall introduce you."

(Binero POV)

It was the late afternoon. Rockets had been sold and restocked, and Binero sat at his desk, quite satisfied with himself. His worries had subsided somewhat throughout the day. Ryan would be home again soon. Maybe they could watch another film, or listen to music, share some quality time. A knock on the door made him jump up from his seat, and he opened the door expecting to see Ryan. Instead, there was a tall man with long blonde hair. "Jeremy, what brings you here?" Binero sighed, more than a little disappointed. "Is that any way to greet an old friend?" Jeremy grinned widely and let himself in. "Haven't seen you in a while Binerosius. Heard you hired a butler? Where are you hiding him?" Jeremy started opening barrels, jokingly looking through them as if searching for the hidden butler. “I told you I don’t go by that name anymore,” said Binero, getting annoyed now. Jeremy stopped his searching, knowing he had already won. “You’re too easy to annoy,” he chuckled. “But really, how is your servant? Handsome?” Binero blushed. “No need to get jealous now, Jeremy.” “I’m not! I know we ended a long time ago, and it was better for both of us. I’m happy you’ve found someone.” He walked over to the bedroom, clearly planning to embarrass Binero even more. “You’re sleeping in the same bed already?” he teased. Binero ignored him and got himself a drink, refusing to feed Jeremy’s provocations any more.

There was another knock on the door. Before Binero could get to it, Jeremy flew past him. In the doorway stood Ryan, finally, and some other guy Binero didn’t remember meeting before. “Well, you must be the new butler!” said Jeremy, shaking Ryan’s hand. “I must say, you really look the part. Even got the little monocle! I can see why you’ve captured Bin’s little heart.” Ryan’s cheeks got noticably red. “Oh, thank you gentleman! And who are you, might I ask?” Jereme seemed offended at the question. “Has he really not mentioned me? I’m Jeremy, the king of the land!” Binero decided to interrupt before Jeremy scared away his butler and guest with his egotism. “Why don’t you come in first and then we’ll talk? Jeremy, shouldn’t you be going? You had other things to do correct?” “No, I just came to see you, I have nothing else to do today,” answered Jeremy, not taking the hint. With a sigh, Binero accepted that this afternoon would not be going as he had planned.

(Ryan POV)

Ryan thought he was going to lose his mind. This Jeremy guy seemed to know about the nature of his relationship with Binero, and he would ruin everything. He should burn down the house. No, of course not that, but something like that. Making sure he didn’t forget his butler duties, he made sure to get drinks and snacks for everyone. Jeremy kept yapping about past adventures he and Binero had been on. Ryan wanted to drink another cup of poison, but resisted the urge. He had to stay sober. “Oh and Bin’s dad, he was a true asshole,” said Jeremy, clearly preparing for another long rant. “I had a bad father,” Ryan interrupted. “He was also my uncle.” The room went quiet. A single ‘What?” from Binero fell into the awkward silence. “Is normal where I’m from,” he added, as if that explained anything. Domito cleared his throat. “Anyway, it’s nice to meet you Binero. I’ve heard a lot about you.” “Only good things I hope?” Binero joked. “Actually, he hasn’t said that much,” Domito admitted. “Has he invited you to the wedding?”

Ryan dropped the glass he was holding. All eyes were on him now. “The wedding?” Jeremy repeated. “How interesting! Tell me, who’s getting married?” Ryan looked at Binero, the look of betrayal in his eyes said enough. “I, uh… well” – “You’re engaged?” Binero asked. Ryan wondered if he could just die right now, respawn by the beach and hope on a boat, row far away from here, an ocean to escape into, how nice that would be… “Ryan, answer me!” Binero’s divine voice echoed. Ryan shivered at the sound, feeling it in his bones. Binero only used that voice when he wanted to show off, or was actually angry. “Yes, master,” he muttered. “I am sorry I did not tell you. I – “ “Get out of my house,” Binero spoke, his voice filled with the pain of betrayal. “Master – Binero, you must know I did not mean to hurt you, and I care for you, I really – “ “No. I don’t need your sorry excuses. I thought you loved me, and you were a good chap, but it was all fake. Just leave.” Ryan held back his tears, knowing there was nothing he could to to fix this. “I - I should probably go too,” stuttered Domito. Jeremy had not said anything for a while. He sat in the window sill with a bowl of cookies, munching on them as though it was popcorn. “Domito, I can explain,” Ryan started, but Domito shook his head. “I think I understand just fine,” he said. “We’re done.” He walked out the door, ignoring Ryan’s pleas. The crunching of another cookie between Jeremy’s teeth was the only thing that broke the deafening silence that followed. “I think it’s best for me to leave, gentleman,” said Ryan, trying to keep a straight face, before he hurried out the door.

(Binero POV)

Jeremy sighed, patting Binero on the back. “That’s rough buddy.” Binero ignored him. Staring out of the window, his eyes filling with tears, he realized he was alone once again. Jeremy, being terrible at handling people’s emotions, made his exit. “Sorry about the boyfriend,” he said before closing the door behind him. Binero looked around his apartment, the emptiness weighing on him like an anvil. He had gotten so used to Ryan constantly being around, keeping him company, and the loneliness was crushing. How could he have let himself get so hurt by someone? He was an almighty god, he should be above these silly human emotions, and yet all he felt was the sharp pain of betrayal. His eyes hurt from the tears which blurred his surroundings. He stumbled towards his chair, trying to find something to hold on to. He felt utterly alone, adrift in a sea of heartache with no shore in sight.

(Ryan POV)

Blaze rods, he needed those. And nether warts. He needed strength. Domito had not said another word to him, and he probably would never forgive him. Ryan knew he had made a mistake, and he suffered the consequences. He wanted everything and ended up having nothing. Now, where did he put those bottles? He fired up the brewing stations hidden beneath the trapdoors. He looked at Phil, who screamed at him in return. As I deserve, he thought to himself. Phil meant well, really, being a teenager was just rough. He grew impatient waiting for the drinks to be done. He needed to escape from his thoughts, the guilt and loneliness was to heavy to bear. He wanted to feel nothing. In that dimly lit room, amidst the brewing potions and the weight of his mistakes, Ryan knew he was spiraling further into the abyss of his addiction. He let the emptiness consume him.

#Old #Fic

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briamichellewrites · 10 months ago

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Phoenix was talking with Mike and Brad about Chester. He invited them over to talk privately. Phoenix started the conversation by admitting his affair with Chester. What kind of affair was it? It was sexual and emotional. The reason why he was telling them was because he was worried about him. If they didn’t get him help, they would lose him to suicide or an overdose. That scared them, so they asked him for more information.

He told them everything, including details of his marriage to Talinda. From how he was describing it, it sounded abusive. What kind of abuse? Verbal. Chester didn’t want help, but he was also making statements about how he didn’t want to live and how everything would be better if he died. He was so scared and he didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t know if he needed rehabilitation or therapy or hospitalization. Did he have a plan? He thought he did, but he wasn’t sure. If he had a plan, then they needed to get him help now. Having a plan meant he would attempt to hurt himself. That was why he was asking for help.

The next day, Chester came in. He had a feeling he knew what was happening. Everyone was there. The band and their manager. The last time they all gathered together, they had an intervention for him about his drug addiction. Phoenix apologized to him. He had to tell them. That made him angry because he betrayed him. How could you do this to me?

Mike took a chair and sat down in front of him. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. Tears poured from his eyes. He looked at his best friend and asked him if he wanted to die. Yes. Did he have a plan? No, not yet. Why did he want to die? Because he was tired. He was tired of being beaten down. Everything would be better without him. No. No, it wouldn’t. Nothing would be better without him. He took his hands into his.

“Chester, keep fighting. Keep fighting for your kids. Keep fighting for yourself. Phoenix said you’re starting the process of divorce.”

He nodded. “Talinda threatened to take the kids away from me.”

“That’s parental alienation, which is abuse. She has no right to do that to you. This is unfair and I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. We will help you do whatever it takes to get your kids. I know Bria will, too. She’s in New York right now but we can call her and talk to her. You can do this. What do you need us to do? Do you need rehab?”

He shook his head. No, he was sober. Ok. His other two options were to move in with him or go to the hospital. They were not going to let him stay by himself. He thought about it before choosing to go to the hospital.

“Chester, we are so proud of you! You can do this. We love you and we have faith in you.”

They got up and the band took turns hugging him and telling him how proud they were. He thanked Phoenix while hugging him tightly. You’re welcome. After he left with their manager, they all sat down together. Rob and Phoenix were crying. Joe thanked Mike for saving his life.

They all agreed. His eyes filled with tears. He didn’t feel like a hero. It wasn’t over. That was his biggest concern. It might not be tomorrow, but someday they would get the call that he… They knew what he was trying to say. He needed to get through his divorce and get his kids. That was his biggest challenge at the moment. They needed to do everything they could to help him.

Call me when you get this message. – Mike

Bria had returned from shopping when she got his text. She decided to call him on FaceTime. As he sat in his house, his phone went off. He wiped his tears from his eyes before answering. She could see immediately that he was crying. Her heart stopped as she went through every possible scenario. What’s wrong? He told her everything going on with Chester.

They would never ask her for money but they might need some help with legal fees. She told him not to worry about it. They were not the kind of people who would take advantage of her. He thanked her. They were all extremely scared. He could only be hospitalized for seventy-two hours, so they had to think of something before then. They were not going to let him be alone. She couldn’t answer that. I’m sorry. He nodded because he didn’t expect her to know what to do.

“You helped his ex-wife, Samantha pay for rehab. Remember?”

“Yeah, I do. She came to me to ask for help. He went to rehab with Brad.”

“Yeah, I remember that too. Selfishly, losing him would be like losing you. Except that, it’s going to be real this time. I’m not going to fall asleep and then wake up to find him alive. We all feel helpless. He only has a year left. This is the last album we’re going to make with him. I don’t know how I know that. I just feel it in my heart. We are going to wake up and find out he’s not here anymore. We are running out of time to save him.”

As they were talking, the cats came wandering in. They meowed at her while purring. What are you doing, human? They looked at the camera on her phone. There was another human. Mike pawed at the screen. Human? He laughed a little through his tears. She said hello to both of them before apologizing. They both were looking for attention. He said hello to them.

Meow. After finishing their conversation, he felt a little better. He just needed reassurance that someone would listen to him. After his relationship with Ken ended, he felt lonely. He still loved him and always would. What happened? He had to focus on his kids. It was hard balancing his career with his relationship. Mike completely understood. They agreed to remain friends. Since then, he wished he had someone to fill the empty house.

His parents encouraged him to adopt or use a surrogate. Phoenix offered to help him through the adoption process. He took him up on his offer. That was on hold for the moment. Get a dog. Yeah, that sounded like a great idea. He had been planning on doing that for years, but life happened. Misty. He remembered how much joy she brought to him and Bria.

She helped her get out of the house every day. Misty loved making sure she was okay. She didn’t know what was wrong with her human but she was sympathetic in a way that only a dog could be. Thank you, Misty. You are a good girl. He remembered when she laid on her legs during a seizure. She whined while the nurse helped her through it. When it was over, she stayed by her until she was satisfied she was okay. She then licked her hand to comfort her.

“Misty, no more treats. You have to wait until dinner.”

She whined and fell to the floor pouting.

“Mike, do we have a dog or a toddler?”

He laughed as that memory came back to him. Yeah, he would go to the shelter and adopt a puppy. Maybe they would have Misty Junior. After getting up, he went to the kitchen to make himself dinner. Beep. Beep. He looked over the door of the refrigerator and saw Bria zooming around in her wheelchair with the animals following behind her. Thank you, Bria. I needed that today.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia

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high-themme · 2 years ago

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Clip Clop Bitch. I'm on my Dry January High Horse.

Can I even write this?

I’ve tried before, to write witty-yet-moving-oh-so-poignant posts that are (shudder)... vulnerable.

I mean simple as this, I want to write about my real life. But unlike the Asexual Sex Worker moment, I can’t afford a pedestal here.

I’m in the last hour of dry January, day one.

And no, I’m not feigning for anything, I haven’t broken out into a cold sweat nor am I smoking two week old ends that are 99% roach.

No, I’m not having withdrawals.

I just feel ashamed.

And that’s what it is for me, really. More than whatever a particular substance might do for me. Because honestly, I don’t particularly like the feeling of my heart jumping out of my chest, I get overwhelmed easily enough as it is. I do enjoy dancing in a circle when I’m ketty and you better believe and I can fuck up a combination drug BUT simply enough, I do drugs because they blunt the shame.

And so… it’s less of a case of ‘How Will I Go Month Without Using?’ and more ‘How Will I Go A Month Feeling Like This?’

Last 45 minutes of dry January, day one.

The sweet thing about addiction is the way it snuck up on me, like a cheeky friend pouncing on you for an expensive surprise hug. I genuinely felt like the most adorable BIMBO when I realized how much, how frequently and at what cost I was using. On the 21st of November I text my friend “taking a drug break lmao” followed by “like I keep doing coke when I buy ket” “so I’m inadvertently doing mad coke” “what’s funny is that I really had no clue” “really and truly” “I was just gonna carry on”. And it’s all punctuated by crying-laughing emojis and a “those white folks are dangerous” for good measure.

I don’t necessarily feel that there is a lot wrong with that. There’s guilt, but I’m not entirely sure where the guilt is located, something along the lines of knowing that this is a systemic issue. That ultimately we’re all racking up lines at a cost to someone, probably someone other than ourselves. I’m not here to criminalise using. But when you think about using with regards to race, class and privilege, who’s championing harm reduction and who’s labeled a crackhead is a fucking fine white line.

Last half an hour of dry January, day one.

So what is this for? I don’t really have any sensational stories about what I did and how it made me feel. I’ve never been in what felt like immediate danger. But I have been stung. That said, it wasn’t necessarily the drugs in those cases, it was other people. And in writing that, I realise that drugs have been, as much as I hate to say it, an obvious weak point for people to have spotted. At one point, it was my curiosity, lack of experience and impulsive habits that led me to place trust in using with people who had an agenda. I thought we were healing, turns out we were scamming. What a creative way to POOF my mental health and close relationships into a seemingly never ending sink hole as large as the city of Berlin. The big clubs, the lakes, the parks, the large apartments and all their ghosts slithering back into the very swap that it was built upon.

Last fifteen minutes of dry January, day one.

And on the flipside of that, it was later my over-assuredness in using and short-lived microdosing fling that was weaponized. In a spooky character arc with a shall-not-be-named frenemy, the drugs we were doing together became the subject of my sole public degradation when we were evicted from a hell hole of a flat share by former tenants, a landlord and an inherently cruel letting agent conspiring to have a queer household dissolved. Said letting agent, after a period of threats, deceit and harassment, entered our home without consent, found less than a gram of a class b powder, then proceeded to humiliate us, laughing down the phone, changing the locks and subjecting us to a three hour gap in which we were to pack up our lives and vacate. He had the courtesy to return our deposits, eventually, which were then the subject of a violent scramble of 20 somethings deeply lacking in self esteem and moral compass. How quickly a feminist can become police. How fast an ally to silence consent.

Last five minutes of dry January, day one.

Is this still about dry January, or have I taken a deeply pessimistic turn into “hell is other people”?

Maybe I have lost sight of the point I was trying to make. Maybe this is my purging.

Shame, the angle of my arm, trapped under my body, blacked out on the couch. Shame, crying and hacking into a bin bag, hands trembling as I light a cigarette, the windows are closed and this is all I can do to keep from throwing up. Shame, my heart keeps on breaking and this is how to smoothe over the cracks. Shame, I am too generous, I am too needy, I am too much. I am too trusting, I am too mothering, I am deserving of this because.

Because because because because.

Ten minutes into dry January, day two.

I have a text from my friend that says “Well I can’t say I’m not hurt by this decision” - it’s her birthday soon and I’m taking the high horse by skipping the horse meds - followed by “But ultimately I am deeply proud of you” “You are taking care of your body which you have been saying you want to do as a performer and I’m proud of that x”.

I can write this.

#clip clop #tw drugs #addiction #ketamine #high themme #personal essay #spiralling #queer writing #dry january #sober #this is the rhythm of the night #gay heartbreak #queer housing

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lutawolf · 2 years ago

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Soft D/s Element of Not Me Episode 13

If you don't know what soft D/s element or tendencies are, then you haven't read my other posts. You can find them on my master list here. If you're interested in more D/s content then check out my general master list here, there is also a short bio there telling you, my qualifications.

There are several types of subs and Doms for that matter. Which I give somewhat of a description here. The important thing to understand is that while a person might be a natural submissive and use to listening and responding to commands. They do draw a line at who they will take commands from.

We start this episode with White being more himself. He there supporting Sean but doesn't step in. He lets him have full lead.

Sean and White are now in an established relationship. There is care, protection, and support.

The go back to the abandon building to stake out and White finds his button. "It's my button. I thought you'd kept it." "Because I needed to get over you, I left it here." Sean wants it back now but White says no. "I'll give it back later." Sean then tells White to rest; he'll take first watch. He taps his shoulder indicating to White to use him to rest on.

While resting White makes the button bracelet. Jewelry has long been a sign of commitment. Add in the significance of the button. It was originally taken as a reminder of the moment because it was that special and because the button was the one right next to his heart. Then Sean left it because he needed to get over White but then it was found again, just like their relationship. Then White put it on a bracelet so that it can never be left behind again, just like them. Solid and together.

The drugs are being moved out of the warehouse. Everyone jumps into action, playing their part. Then Yok and Sean start arguing over where to drop the drugs, but Sean doesn't want to listen. White has shown full support of Sean as the leader but now he sees something he disagrees with. Look at how he talks to Sean though, he isn't commanding or demanding but explaining. Guiding Sean to see his side of things.

White can see Sean is struggling. This is bound to bring up some feelings considering its correlation to how his father died. So White offers all the comfort he can give. This is also comfort for White because in all the other missions, he has needed Sean's support. When the friends start teasing, you can easily tell that White could care less. Still Sean commands him to just keep hugging him. He is fully aware that White needs the support just as much as he does.

Then they come to the traffic stop. White sends a message to Gumpa. They make a plan B, White quickly tells the others. They have to make a run for it but in the process, Yok is shot. Sean knows he has to buy them more time. He tells White to get Gram and Yok out of here and he'll catch up with them. "Sean, I'll see you soon."

What I love about this whole situation, is that you see the balance of a D/s relationship and how well these two types of individuals work together. I know that I used the word balance, and it comes off as an oxymoron but hear me out. D/s is about one having more power and control than the other so it would appear there is not balance but for these particular types of individuals it is. When you have a Dom that knows how to listen, you have a better leader. You have a better mission when you don't have everyone fighting to lead.

Sean gives a good enough distraction that everyone can escape to the car. He then meets up with them, but the bleeding is too bad, and they have to go to the hospital.

While at the hospital White starts uploading all the information, they have to their ROL account. Sean gets onto White asking him what he is doing and if he is addicted to social media. White quickly assures him no and explains what he is doing. To which Sean has to eat some humble pie. "Thank you for helping me."

Then shit hits the fan. They try to escape but Dan shows up. Dan who has been put in a predicament of keeping his love and friends safe, as well as his parents. Honestly the part that kills me is when Sean cries. Not because Dan pulled a gun on him but because Dan hurt his friend. Thankfully Black comes to the rescue along with Dan slightly redeeming himself. He'll fully redeem himself in the next episode because all signs point to him following them and seeing them captured, taking a picture of the car tag and posting it. Because who else could have?

That's all for this episode. Hope you guys enjoyed it. 💜💜💜

#not me #not me the series #not me series #not me kink #luta opinions #coconuts mafia #luta talks not me series

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tyongxnct · 4 years ago

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𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 - 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘓𝘦𝘦

pairing: Mark Lee x reader

special guest: Lee Taeyong as your older brother, brief mention of Jaemin, Jeno & Haechan

genre: angst, smut, tiny bit of fluff

warnings: drugs (don’t do drugs kids), addiction, memory loss, being high, mentions of rehab clinic, Mark physically and mentally hurting the reader, reader being unconscious, Mark’s kind of depressed, SMUT,

word count: 8.7k

note: this is based on my imagination, Mark Lee is his own person and everything that happens in my story is pure fiction. I love Mark Lee and this story just popped up in my head and I wanted to write it down.

extra note: didn’t really proofread this, might have grammer and spelling mistakes

A/N: hey! I’m so excited to finally post ‘love me again’! I’m super nervous and I really hope that you have fun while reading this. I had to repost this because it wasn’t showing up in the tags :(

taglist: @luvlyjaemin @silent-potato @markshearts @likelikeines

song rec: courage to change - sia

“Please Mark, we just want the best for you…”, Mark’s mother cried.

“No you don’t! You have no idea what’s the best for me. You decided to move here, and I accepted it because it’s the best for you! You decided to divorce, and I didn’t say anything because, again, it’s the best for you! Now you’re thinking about what’s the best for me? Suddenly my feelings are important?! You two know nothing! Nothing. So don’t stick your noses into my fucking business!”, Mark yelled at his parents, finally letting out what he really thought and felt about his family.

“Son, we know it’s hard for you- “, his father tried to calm his son down.

“No, dad. No you don’t. Don’t act like you thought about me when you decided to leave Canada! I was happy there! And maybe you’d still be married!”, he was so angry and high, but it didn’t help him to ignore his parents- to stay calm, he was furious, and he needed his pills. “I’m leaving.”

Mark left his parents and ran straight to your house. He was high already, but he needed more, he needed his pills. After the fight with his parents, Mark was about to explode, and he did.

Mark knocked on your front door harshly and you opened the door with concern in your eyes. “Mark? Are you alright- “, he pushed you to the side and ran upstairs. “Where the fuck did you put them?!”, Mark’s body was trembling, his eyes red and his pupils wide. “Mark? What are you doing?”, you asked as you watched your boyfriend look through your shelves and closet, everything was a mess, but he didn’t care.

You held his arm to stop him, but he shoved you away. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY (Y/N)?!”, he yelled at you. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Mark. Please calm down… You’re scaring me.”, you were scared and worried. He grabbed both of your wrists and looked at you furiously. “Where are my fucking pills (Y/n)?!”

“Mark are you high again? I thought- “, you started but he interrupted you. “I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION! ANSWER ME!”. You were more than scared right now, you hoped that you could help him, but Mark was high and that means that he’s not the Mark you’ve known. He’s that monster who hurts you and he didn’t even care.

“I- I flushed them down the toilette…”, you confessed.

You were too scared to look up, you could feel his hands around you tighten, and it hurt. “You did what?”, he asked through gritted teeth.

“I-I’m sorry but I don’t want you to take them- you don’t need them- “, tears were falling down your cheeks.

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU FUCKING BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?! HUH?!”, he was hurting you. Mark Lee, the love of your life was hurting you.

“P-Please… I’m sorry- I just wanted to help. I thought I could help you…”

“Help? You wanted to help? Do you have the slightest idea of how much those pills costed me?! Huh?! You know nothing! You’re just a fucking piece of shit. I don’t fucking need you do you hear me?!”, he yelled again.

“Mark- “, you said in pain.

“You’re fucking useless. I don’t want to see you ever again.”, there was no emotion as he talked.

Mark let go of you and left your room, you followed him, he was high, and you were scared to leave him alone even though he just destroyed you with his words.

He really chose drugs over you.

A tiny little voice in the back of your head always told you that this would happen, but you ignored it because you loved him. Your arms hurt, Marks grip was really strong, and it probably would leave bruises. “Mark please don’t leave- please don’t go.”, you ran after him and hugged him from behind before he could walk down the stairs.

“You don’t understand it, do you? You’ll never be enough! Let me fucking go!”, he yelled as he tried to get out of your grip. “No! I know that you don’t mean it! I know that the drugs are taking over and that this is not you talking!”. Mark grabbed your hands and pushed them away, harshly. “Let me go!”, he was screaming again. “No Mark please don’t go… “, you tried to hold him again, but it was useless, he was stronger than you.

You two pulled at each other and before he could stop himself, he pushed you down the stairs. Everything was in slow motion, as he locked eyes with you and saw the fear in your eyes. You closed your eyes and Mark tried to hold you, but he couldn’t reach you, and then you were rolling down the stairs. “NO!”, Mark yelled as he tried to catch you.

You were laying on the floor and you weren’t moving. Mark’s hands were trembling, and tears fell down his cheeks. He looked at you and he didn’t know what to do. Why weren’t you moving? Is that… is that blood?

Mark rushed down the stairs and kneed down. “B-Baby?”, he took your head between his hands and looked at you face. You were unconscious and your forehead was bleeding. “H-Hey… D-Do you hear me? Open your eyes, please open your eyes!”, Mark’s tears landed on your face. “Baby please open your eyes…”, he shook your body, but you didn’t wake up. Mark didn’t know what to do.

Suddenly the front door was opened by your older brother, Taeyong. “I’m home- “, he stopped talking as he saw you in Mark’s arms. “M-Mark?”, Taeyong was scared. “I didn’t mean to! I swear it was an accident! I would never hurt her hyung I didn’t mean anything I said.”, Mark cried as he pulled your body closer. Taeyong came closer and saw you bleeding. “Fuck! Why didn’t you call an ambulance!”, Taeyong yelled at Mark as he called the ambulance before it was too late.

“I love you please open your eyes. I’m so sorry, I need you please don’t leave me! Hyung it was an a-accident. I didn’t mean to!”, Mark cried and cried. Taeyong saw red. Did Mark do that to you? “Are you fucking high again?!”, Taeyong didn’t want to hurt you but he pulled your body to his, taking you away from Mark. “Hyung please I’m sorry…”, Mark’s whole body was trembling. The tears never stopped, and the pain and regret were eating him alive.

The next thing Mark remembered was when he was waiting in front of the emergency room. Taeyong and your mother were also there, your mother still didn’t know what exactly happened. But the way Taeyong looked at Mark, with so much disgust and hate, broke Mark’s heart.

Mark prayed. He prayed for your safety and he promised himself to never do drugs again. It was his fault, he hurt you. Physically and mentally hurt you. He could never forgive himself, you loved him even though he was a fucking drug addict, you were always there for him and now you were in a fucking emergency room.

The doctor finally came out and smiled at your mother. “You don’t have to worry, everything went fine. She’s asleep now, but she’ll be taken to her room.”

“Thank you so much, Doctor Byun.”, you mother was relieved. “And thank you Mark for being with her, I wouldn’t know what had happened If she- “, your mother said. “Stop mom, it was him.”, Taeyong said with anger. “What do you mean?”, she asked. Mark looked down, too ashamed to look your mother in the eyes.

“He pushed her. She fell because of him, She fell because Mark was high and lost his mind. In fact, you’re still high, right?!”, he yelled at him, pushing him with his hands.

Mark didn’t stop Taeyong from doing so.

“Mrs. Lee… I didn’t want that to happen- “

“Leave.”, she just said with a low voice.

Mark fell on his knees, “I’m sorry, please I can’t live without her… please forgive me I love her so much…”, he cried.

“You love her? You think this is love? Mark, I treated you like my own son! I accepted you with open arms because she loved you so much! I defended you in front of your parents and this is how my daughter has to pay? For loving you? Is that her punishment?”, she was crying, your mother felt betrayed.

You always told her, how much you loved Mark and how you helped him through his parent’s divorce, but you never told her about his addiction. You really thought you could help him with that, that he would stop taking them, but in the end you were wrong.

“I know, I know I’m so sorry… I’ll stop I swear I’ll stop!”, Mark couldn’t lose you.

“Do you think I’ll let you near my sister ever again?”, Taeyong said.

“No hyung please please don’t! I’m begging you I need her!”

But Taeyong’s decision was final.

ONE YEAR LATER

Today was Mark’s anniversary. It’s been a whole year since he became clean. It was his own decision to go to a rehab clinic, his parents were more than happy to hear that. After what happened to you, Mark wanted to change. Change his habits, change his lifestyle and just be better, be worthy for your love. Mark was allowed to go home after a year in the rehab clinic, he missed his last year of high school, which he needed to go to again to graduate officially.

You were always on Mark’s mind, the bad memories, and the good ones. He would fall asleep thinking of your pretty smile and wake up crying to your unconscious body. He never talked to you again and he still loved you, no, he loved you even more now. You were his light in the darkness, the reason to become better. Mark wanted to be a better man for you.

“Welcome home honey.”, Mark’s mother hugged her son, tears falling down her cheeks. “Are you sure you are ready to come back home? If you want to we can move- or we can go back to Canada, just tell me how I can make you happy.” Mark and his parents lived in Canada until he was almost 17, they moved to Korea and that’s how you met. They moved into the house across the street and you became friends. Mark first hated Korea, he wanted to go back to Canada, to his friends, and after his parents started fighting all the time, they got divorced. His father moved out and left him. He blamed Korea for his parent’s divorce. Mark was angry. Angry that his parents were getting a divorce, that he left his whole life in Canada, but the only good thing in his life was you. After spending so much time together, sneaking out after midnight, making out in your room or his until one day you two took a step further and had sex. You were each other’s first times and you fell in love, Mark would have left Korea If you weren’t here. Mark’s mind wandered to the first night you had spent with him in his room. The first time he had touched you, the first time you had sex.

Flashback

You were cuddling with Mark on his bed under the covers, you were watching friends on his TV and he was hugging you from behind. Mark and you were together for almost 5 months now, both of you knew that just being friends was something you didn’t want. You could say it was love at first sight for both of you.

Mark kissed your cheek and slowly kissed his way to your neck. He placed wet kisses on your neck and his hand was under your shirt, caressing your skin with his thumb. He stopped kissing you and started sucking and nibbling on your skin. You closed your eyes as you felt Mark so close to you, making you feel drunk on his kisses.

The furthest you and Mark went was making out. He never asked you to do more, he was waiting for you to be ready. Sometimes, you wanted him to go further but it was never the right time, you wanted him to touch you and you wanted to touch him.

You let out a soft moan and turned around, your butt slightly stroking his crotch. You kissed him on the lips, first it was slow and sweet, but he nibbed on your lips and you opened your mouth to give him access. Your tongues were fighting for dominance, his hand was on your butt, softly squeezing it and he pulled you on his lap, his lips never leaving your lips. Mark was laying on the bed with you on top of him, you moved your hips, which made Mark moan. His hands were on your butt, pressing you against his member to feel you better.

You broke your kiss and pulled back to sit on his lap. Your lips red and puffy and Mark was breathing heavily. You looked him straight into the eyes as you put your hands under your shirt to take off your bra. After you took it off, you threw it on the floor and your eyes never left Marks. “Give me your hand.”, you said. Mark slowly gave you his hand and watched you how you put his hand on your boob. Your hand was still on his as you gently squeezed your boob with his hand. “Touch me.”, you whispered.

You could feel Mark getting harder under you. He gulped and looked at you. “A-Are you sure?”, he asked. “Yes. Please touch me.”

Mark licked over his lips as he put his other hand on your other boob, squeezing both of them. His thumb was on your nipple, playing with them. “Can I take off your shirt?”, he asked you now. You just nodded. Mark tossed away your shirt and he gulped again as he saw you half naked on top of him. Mark sat up a little and was laying against his bedrest, your boobs right in front of his face. His face got closer to your breast and you felt his tongue on your nipple. He softly licked your nipple and with his hand, he played with the other one. You moaned, it felt so good having Mark’s mouth and hands on your breasts.

Mark started sucking on your breast, making you moan even more. You were wet and feeling Mark’s hard member against your pussy made you even wetter. “God Mark it feels so good.”, you moaned. His mouth travelled to your collarbones, he sucked and left Marks, he loved it.

“Mark I-I need you, please.”, you cried out. “Are you sure babe?”, he asked you while he flicked your nipple with his fingers.

“Yes yes please just… just fuck me.”

Within a second, Mark turned you so that you were under him now, your boobs bouncing while doing so and making him lick over his lips again.

“Okay babe just tell me to stop If you don’t want me to go further.”, he pecked your lips and smiled at you. You nodded and smiled back, your heart was racing.

Mark took off his shirt and you stared at his exposed body, you couldn’t believe that this guy was you boyfriend. You felt so lucky.

“I need to prepare you a little more baby.”, without telling you how, he slowly took off your sweatpants, leaving you in your panties. Mark kissed your pussy over the fabric of your underwear. “My baby’s so cute.”

You could feel Mark’s finger against your pussy over your underwear, spreading your wetness and drenching your panties. “So wet.”

Mark almost ripped your panties as he took it off, he wanted to taste you so bad. With his hands, he pushed your legs apart, his face right in front of your wet pussy. You could feel his breathe against your wetness and he licked your pussy with kitten licks once and then again and again. You moaned as you felt his tongue. “Shit- Mark- “, his tongue played with your clit, and you thought it couldn’t feel any better, but Mark slowly pushed one finger inside of you. You clenched around his finger and he cursed. “Fuck baby, you’re fucking tight.”, he kissed your pussy and sucked on your clit, after he inserted another finger inside of you, you couldn’t handle it anymore. “Mark it feel so good, I’m gonna cum.”

He fucked you with his fingers faster and his mouth did wonders down there. You hit your first ever climax and you could see the stars. Your grip around the bedsheet tightened and you moaned out. Mark put his hand on your mouth, his mother was still downstairs. “Baby If you keep being so loud my mother is going to hear you.”

You were breathing in and out as you giggled. He held his fingers, which were inside of you a couple seconds ago, to your mouth and looked at you. “Suck.”, you did as he told you, slowly sucking his fingers and tasting yourself.

Mark pulled his pants and boxers down, your mouth wide open as you saw his cock straight as straight as possible and precum on his tip. He was about to get a condom from his nightstand but then he could feel your hand around his cock. He hissed at that feeling. “Fuck- babe- “, your hand slowly pumped his cock and Mark didn’t know what to do. He wanted you to suck his dick, he wanted to be inside of you, and he wanted you to keep pumping him.

It seems like you were going to fullfill all of his wishes.

Mark felt your tongue on the tip of his cock. You licked him like a lollipop and sucked on his tip. Slowly, you didn’t want to hurt him, you put his cock inside of your mouth, Mark moaned loudly and closed his eyes for a second but opened them right after to watch you sucking his dick.

You bobbed your head up and down and it didn’t take Mark long to cum. “Babe I’m gonna cum, fuck you’re so good at this, fuck- “, he exploded inside of your mouth, and you swallowed every drip.

“You have no idea how hot you are- fuck, I’m gonna fuck you so good.”, Mark pressed you down on the mattress.

With his knees, he pushed your legs apart again, now to enter you with his cock. He pulled the condom down and placed his member at your entrance. “Are you ready baby?”, he asked you again.

“I’m ready- I love you.”

“I love you so much.”, he said as he slowly pressed his tip against your entrance. Mark slowly pushed his cock inside of your cunt and your gripped the bedsheets tightly. “I’ll stay like this a little.”, he didn’t move until you assured him that he could.

Pain slowly became pleasure, and you were almost begging Mark to go faster. “Please it feels so good.”

Mark rammed his cock inside of your pussy, and he kissed you, because you were moaning so loud, he was scared that the whole neighborhood could hear you.

“Mark I’m gonna- fuck- I’m gonna cum, god!”

“Me too babe, I’m gonna cum so hard.”, Mark’s hand travelled to your clit, circling it with his thumb and with that, you reached your climax. You clenched around Mark’s dick and you were so tight already, that he also came. He closed both of your mouths as he kissed you and he was still inside of you until you calmed down.

“Thank you Mark, I love you.”

“I love you, too. Forever.”

Mark started doing drugs with his friends Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck, it was harmless at first, just one or two joints, but behind your back he sometimes did coke. When you found out, he promised you that it was just a one-time thing, just to try it. But whenever you went to a party together, or just hung out, he did it over and over again. You didn’t need any drugs to be happy- after your father’s death, your brother, mother, and Mark helped you go through the pain. You wanted to help Mark, too, but he told you that there’s no pain to be erased. He was doing drugs ‘Just for fun’. You tried to stop him, you told him that he didn’t need any of this, but Mark never listened, he just pushed you away and stopped seeing you as often as before. When he started to take the pills, you did everything to stop him, flushing the pills down the toilette, hide his coke from him, tried to stop him from drinking, but you all know how that ended.

“Mom, I’m alright, and no, I want to stay here, I changed. Everything’s going to be alright.”, he hugged his mother back as he looked out of the window, staring at you room across the street.

Mark was in his room, nothing changed, he unpacked his back and he saw the picture of you next to his bed on his nightstand. He held the picture in his hand and looked at your pretty smile. His sight became blurry and he tried to stop the tears. No more crying, he believes that everything’s going to be perfect. He needs a little more time until he was ready to face you, your mother and brother.

First day of his last year in high school. Mark was beyond nervous and scared. You were probably in college now, on your way to become a teacher. It was always your dream to teach children, you adored them, and you always imagined a life with Mark as the father of your children.

Mark was really early on his first day, he was sitting in the classroom, next to the window. Memories flooded his mind of you two in high school. How you skipped class just to go to McDonald’s, how you went to the rooftop to make out and how you waited for him after, well, after he smoked joints with his friends behind the school.

The bell rang and everyone entered the class, what Mark didn’t except to see was you, entering the class while talking to a girl. His world stopped turning. Why were you here? Did you see him already? What were you talking about and why did you smile like that?

You saw someone staring at you, but you didn’t pay attention to that, you sat down and listened to your teacher.

“Good morning, everyone. I have an announcement to make. We have two new students in class. Mark and (Y/n). They both missed a year, please tread them nicely.”

Mark’s palms were sweaty, he couldn’t focus. You were here, here with him, but why?

After class ended, you packed your things and left the classroom with that girl you talked to when you entered. Mark needed to do something, he just had to.

He ran after you and called your name. “(Y/n)! Wait!”

You turned around, your new friend said goodbye and left you there with Mark. “Yes?”, you asked confused.

Mark stuttered “H-Hi. I-It’s been a while.. “

“Uhm hey? Sorry but, do I know you?”, you asked, very confused by his words.

Mark stopped breathing, were you going to act as if you didn’t know him? His heart was beating against his chest and he felt like collapsing.

He didn’t say anything, and you talked again. “I’m sorry but I lost my memory, did we go to high school together last year?”, Mark was speechless, you had lost your memory?

“Y-You lost your memory? H-How If I may ask?”

“I fell down the stairs, it’s a little embarrassing, I’m a little clumsy. I’ve spent a couple months in hospital last year, that’s why I am here again. And you?”, you thought making friends would be a great idea.

“O-Oh I’m sorry…”, Mark stuttered, he didn’t know what to do. Should he tell you that it was his fault? Should he tell you that he’s your boyfr- your ex-boyfriend?

“It’s alright, It just sucks that I can’t remember my life, like the most important time of my teenage years, you know? So, were we friends? Did you know me?”, you were too nice, he didn’t deserve that.

“Uhm… no, I mean we were in the same class, and, uh, you were always nice to everyone and you were always smiling and stuff…”, he blushed.

“Do you want to go to McDonald’s with me? I know we just kind of met but I want to hear more about last year, about everything I forgot, you don’t have to, of course.”, you didn’t know why, but your heart beats faster as you talked to that guy you didn’t even remember.

“Sure, yeah I’d love to.”, spending time with you? Mark would never say no to that.

You were sitting next to Mark as he told you stories about your past.

“One day, Mr. Jung send you to detention because you were eating a happy meal in the middle of class.”, he told you and you laughed for the first time since forever.

“No way!”

“You really did that, it was hilarious. And oh, we sneaked out before your detention ended to eat another happy meal- “, he stopped talking as he told you about a memory you shared. “We? I thought we weren’t close.”, you asked.

“I mean you, I-I just said we because we were just eating a happy meal.”, he tried to safe himself.

And that’s how your relationship with Mark Lee started again. You didn’t know that he was your neighbor, you didn’t know that he was your ex-boyfriend and the reason for your memory loss.

Mark and you got closer in the last couple of months, nobody knew that though, not your family and not his, you slowly but deeply fell in love with him and since he loved you already, it didn’t take you long to skip class and go to the roof to make out.

Mark wanted to tell you everything, he wanted to tell you that you have a history together, but he was scared, scared of losing you forever.

“Babe?”, he said.

“Yeah?”, you mumbled, eyes closed. Your head was on his thigh as he caressed your hair softly.

“I love you.”, he confessed.

You opened your eyes immediately and looked at him with big round eyes. “I love you.”, he said again.

“I love you too.”, you got up and sat next to him. You held his hand as you locked eyes. “Can I kiss you?”, he asked softly.

You nodded. You didn’t even know If you had your first kiss, or even a boyfriend, but it felt right. Everything about Mark felt right.

“Before I met you, I was really sad that I couldn’t remember anything, but If I hadn’t lost my memory, we’d never be like this- together. I’m glad that I fell.”

“No!”, he said, raising his voice a little. “I mean, don’t say that. You lost your memory and I’m just.. me. I don’t know I just- I’m also happy that I met you.”, he smiled at you and then he kissed your forehead. “I’m going to fill you pretty head with the greatest memories ever.”

Mark never brought you home, he would always go another way, wait and then he’d go home, when it was dark outside. His mother was a little worried, and after 3 months, your family still didn’t know that he was back.

You’ve been officially dating for a whole month now. It was your one-month anniversary and Mark asked you out. It was a simple date, a dinner and then going to the movies. You didn’t tell your mother that you were going on a date, you told her that you’d meet your new friends from school.

Mark was leaning against his car as you arrived at the restaurant- looking absolutely pretty in your black dress.

“Baby you look gorgeous.”, he pecked your lips. “Sorry that I couldn’t pick you up.”

“It’s alright. My brother drove me.”

His heart stopped beating.

“Y-your brother? I-Is he here?”, he tried to hide behind you. “Don’t worry babe, he let me out on the other side of the street. He didn’t see you.”, you smiled.

Mark was relieved. “Okay, good. I wouldn’t want him to see me with his, uhm, little sister.”

“I would also prefer that you two meet after I tell him that you exist.”, you smiled at him. He shuddered. “You’re going to tell him about us?”

“Of course, you’re my boyfriend and he’s my brother, I don’t want to keep you as a secret.”

Mark gulped, his hands were sweaty, and he was scared.

You entered the restaurant, a little Italian restaurant that looked really pretty. “Wow Mark this place is so great.”, you changed the topic and Mark wasn’t even really listening. His heartbeat louder than your voice. “It kinda feels familiar.”, maybe it was because your first official date with Mark was also here.

You also sat down at your usual place, which you, of course, didn’t know. “Do you think I was here before?”, you asked him as your eyes scanned the restaurant. “I don’t know.. maybe.”

“Are you ready to order?”, the waiter asked and without even glancing at the menu you ordered. “I’d like to have pasta with chicken.”

Mark looked at you, he was confused. What are the odds that you order the same meal you always ordered here. He ordered the pizza he also always ordered, hoping it was just coincidence.

After almost 30 minutes, your orders came. Suddenly, your head hurt. Images of this place rushed through your head. You were eating your Pasta, but you weren’t alone, there was someone with you, but you couldn’t recognize that person.

“Shit what was that.”, you held your head and closed your eyes. “Are you alright babe?”, Mark held your hand and looked at you with worry in his eyes. “Yeah it’s just- This place, I was here before with someone and I was eating exactly the same thing- but I don’t really know. It felt like a déjà vu.”

Mark’s heart was about to fall out of his chest. “M-Maybe it was your brother.”

“Probably.”, you smiled.

After your dinner and the movie you watched (which you couldn’t even really watch because Mark was so close and his hand was holding yours), you left and drove to a perfect spot to talk and, well, make out.

It started with a simple kiss, but now you were sitting on his lap on the backseat as you kissed him, his hands all over your body. You were so close to him, he was losing his mind. Your dress couldn’t even cover your body. His hands on your thighs pulling you closer as his tongue slipped into your mouth.

“M-Mark.”, you moaned as his lips now sucked on your neck.

You could feel him getting harder and harder and you wanted him, you wanted more, but you didn’t want to lose your virginity on the backseat of a car.

“M-Mark, fuck, wait- “, and he stopped before his hand could reach your panties. “Y-Yeah? Am I going too fast?”, he asked, breathing heavily.

“N-No, it’s just- I’m still a virgin.”, you said shyly.

“No- oh wait- “, he stopped talking as soon as he remembered that you didn’t remember. “Y-You’re right, I’m sorry, I got carried away.”, he blushed. After a whole year without touching you- feeling you, his mind was fuzzy. “It’s alright- I just want to do it, uhm, in a bed or something…”, you were still sitting on his lap, and when you moved your body, Mark moaned. “Y-You- Stop moving like this.”

“Oh yeah right sorry.”, how embarrassing, you thought.

“I’ll take you home now okay baby? Did you have fun tonight?”, he asked. It was late and completely dark outside, he’d never let you go home alone.

“It was an amazing day, thank you.”, you pecked his lips one last time before you moved to the front seat with him.

As Mark drove you home, he remembered that one last time you had sex. It wasn’t a good memory, maybe even one of the worst.

Flashback

“Mark? Where the hell were you? It’s fucking 4 am in the morning!”

Mark forgot that you were coming over, he was with his friends, doing things you didn’t want him to do and now he had to deal with you.

You noticed that he was drunk and high again. “Mark do you want to kill yourself? Did you lose your mind?”, Mark ignored you as he took off his shirt to change to his pajama. You were standing next to him as you tried to get answers.

“I really don’t want to talk to you right now, my head’s about to explode.”, Mark took off his pants as he ignored your presence.

“You don’t want to talk to me? I’m sorry but I texted you and called you hundred times. You could at least tell me where you were, or with whom and when you were coming home. Or just text me that you were safe. I was fucking worried!”, the last couple weeks were always like this, you talking and him ignoring you.

Mark jumped on his bed, getting angrier every passing second. “I told you to shut up.”

“No, I won’t shut up. You are acting like a stupid asshole. You need to stop, Mark please I’m begging you, stop this.”, you weren’t angry anymore, you were worried and sad.

“It’s none of your business.”, he said coldly, his world was spinning but he didn’t care.

“It is. I am your girlfriend, and I don’t want my boyfriend to kill himself because of his stupid friend and stupid drugs.”

You were standing in front of Mark and now he was looking up to you. “Right. You’re my girlfriend.”, he gripped your wrists and pulled you to him. He changed your positions, you were now under him.

“M-Mark.”

“If you are my girlfriend I can do this right?”, he kissed you on the lips, his cold hand under your shirt. You kissed him back, it felt like you didn’t kiss Mark for years. You had missed it, even If he just ignored the fact that you were worried.

He kissed his way down to you neck. You moaned as you felt his hand on your boob. “Let me take this off, alright babe?”, he asked you. You nodded.

Mark took off your bra and shirt and tossed it away. He kissed your boobs and sucked on your nipples. You felt yourself getting wetter and Mark was hard, even though he was still high and drunk. “Gonna fuck you, okay baby?”, he was suddenly sweet and nice to you. You were happy that he still asked you If you were okay with having sex. “Yes please.”, you moaned.

He took off your jeans and your panties, going straight to you pussy with his fingers and tongue. Without hesitating he pushed two fingers inside of you. “Fuck.”, it hurt a little, but it was alright. Mark sucked on your clit and he was so hard that he stopped before you came. “M-Mark fuck I was about to cum.”, he didn’t care. He looked for a condom in his nightstand and then you felt him against you entrance. You were still really tight, and you thought he’d be slow, but he rammed his cock inside of you.

And he didn’t stop, he penetrated your pussy with hard thrusts and tears formed in the corner of your eyes. “M-Mark… too much- “, but Mark was in trance, he pulled out, you thought he’d be slower now, but he just turned your around so that you were on all four. He gripped your hips, probably leaving bruises.

Again, Mark pushed his cock deep inside of your pussy, his thrusts were hard and fast, his hand was on your clit, circling it and you came. “Mark, stop- it hurts, please.”, you cried as Mark overstimulated you. With his other hand he grabbed your boob and finally released his seeds into the condom.

Your body arched, the way Mark fucked you so roughly was too much for you. You could barely move your legs as you wiped away your tears.

Mark was breathing heavily as he threw the condom into the trashcan.

You hid your body under his blanket. Mark slowly realized how you told him to stop, and how he didn’t listen.

Mark put on his boxers as he went to his bathroom to get a towel. “Let me clean you up.”, he asked slowly. “No, I-I can do it myself.”

He only nodded as he looked at you with heavy eyes. “I’m sorry that I didn’t stop, I didn’t want to hurt you.”, he was about to cry as he saw the pain in your eyes. “I just, I thought you’d like it, I don’t know why I did that.”, you knew why. The drugs, his friends. Everything, just everything around him changed him and made him rougher. Maybe even you.

“Just forget it, Mark.”, you told him, but you meant yourself. You tried to forget that he hurt you like that. “I’m going home.”

He remembered that day, no matter how much he tried to forget it. He was disgusted and angry at himself. He slowly turned to a monster and even If you tried to save him, he was too blind.

Mark wore a cap in the car, you didn’t question why, he stopped on the other side of your house, on his side of the street. The lights in his house were on, even though it was past midnight. “You know, I have no idea who lives in that house, my brother told me that a woman lives there and that’s it. And I never met her, well, as far as I can remember.”

“Maybe it’s better that way, who knows.”

“You’re right.”, you looked at him. “I love you Mark.”

“I love you more, (Y/n). You have no idea how much I love you.”, before he started crying, you kissed his cheek and went home. Mark couldn’t go home yet. He drove two streets further. He cried and cried, he didn’t know If lying to you was better than telling you the truth, the ugly truth.

You were in the cafeteria eating your sandwich with Mark as one of your old teachers approached you. She was your math teacher last year but obviously you didn’t remember but Mark did.

“Hello, you two, it’s nice to see you still together after last year. How are you feeling (Y/n)? You’ve spent so much time in hospital last year, we all missed you.”, she said.

You were confused. What did she mean with still together?

“Uhm, I’m much better now, I think Mrs.- “, you had no idea who that woman in front of you was. “Oh right I’m sorry- Mrs. Kim. I was your math teacher last year.”, Mrs. Kim smiled at you two. You were so confused that you didn’t notice Mark being nervous next to you. He was scared that Mrs. Kim would say more about your relationship with him.

“So do you remember Mark?”, she asked.

Mark’s eyes widened, he chocked on his juice and you did not understand anything.

“No, not really.”, you said with a sad smile.

“Oh, but look, you still found each other again.”

Before Mrs. Kim could say anything more, the bell rang, and Mark could finally breath again.

“Mrs. Kim we really have to go to class now.”, Mark grabbed your hand and pulled you with him.

“Mark what did she mean?”, you asked him, but he ignored you. “Mark? Can you let go?”, Mark’s grip tightened, and it started hurting.

He pulled you to the rooftop, ignoring the fact that you indeed had to go to class. “Mark you’re hurting me.”, you finally said, and he immediately let go.

“W-what? I’m sorry I didn’t want to! I’m sorry I didn’t want to hurt you please forgive me.”, Mark hugged you tightly and apologized. He hated to hear that he hurt you.

“Hey, calm down. It’s alright. But please tell me what Mrs. Kim was talking about.”, you hugged him back to assure him that it was alright.

“I don’t know, I guess she talked about how we ended in the same class again or something. I really don’t know.” he said as he placed a sweet little kiss on your neck.

“Oh, okay.”

Mark kissed his way from your neck up to your mouth. He kissed you slowly, his hand on your cheek slowly stroking your skin with his thumb. He entered your mouth with his tongue and the slow kiss turned to a heavy make-out session.

You were so lost in the kiss that you didn’t notice the raindrops slowly falling. It started raining heavily and as you kissed Mark, your head hurt again. Your lips left his and you closed your eyes, holding your head tightly.

“Shit shit Mark it hurts.”, the images In your head felt familiar, the way you kissed Mark on the rooftop of your school under the rain felt so familiar.

It felt familiar because It happened already.

Flashback

“Mark are you crazy? It’s raining!”, you laughed at your boyfriend who insisted to skip class to go to the rooftop.

“What about it? It’s just rain babe.”, Mark was standing in the middle of the rooftop, completely wet. He looked up to the sky, eyes closed and a big smile on his face.

“Your gonna get sick!”, but Mark didn’t care.

“Come here! Let’s get sick together and we can stay at home and cuddle!”, you laughed at his comment.

“Fuck it.”, you ran to Mark and hugged him tightly. “It’s so cold!”, you were freezing.

“I’ll keep you warm.”, and then Mark placed his lips on yours.

You really felt warmer, with his arms around you and his soft lips on yours. You made out under the rain until it stopped, and the dark clouds were gone, and the sun shined again. “Look a rainbow! Make a wish!”, you said as you looked up to the sky.

“My wish has already come true.”, you didn’t notice the way he looked at you. But after a couple months he stopped looking at you like you were the most important thing in his life. Mark slowly replaced you with drugs.

Bit by bit, your memories came back, but you weren’t sure If your mind was playing with you or If the memories actually happened.

Two weeks later, you were smiling so hard because of a sweet text Mark had sent you and Taeyong caught you. “Why are you smiling like that?”, he asked you. You mother was out, grocery shopping, and your older brother wanted to hang out with you, help you to remember a couple things.

“Alright, I’ll tell you. But don’t do that older brother cringe shit, okay?”, you smiled brightly. “Okay, I promise.”

“I, uhm, I have a boyfriend.”, you confessed.

“You? A boyfriend?”, he asked mockingly. “Shut up! I’m serious.”, you laughed. “Alright alright. So, tell me about him.”

“Well, just like me he’s repeating the last school year because he missed it. He’s super cute and so adorable, he’s like a little puppy you’d want to cuddle forever. He’s born August 2nd and he’s a Leo.”

“What’s his name?”, your brother asked casually as he ate chips. “His name’s Mark, he lived in Canada, that’s why he missed- “

“What the fuck are you saying?!”, Taeyong yelled.

“W-What?”, his sudden outburst surprised you. “His name’s M-Mark.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”, Taeyong yelled again. “Yong, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

“You stay here, you hear me?!”, you nodded even though you were really confused. Taeyong ran straight out of the house as you watched him through the window, running across the street and hammering on the door of your mysterious neighbor.

“Open the door!”, Taeyong yelled.

You were too curious to just stay here, and you didn’t understand anything that’s why you ignored Taeyong order and ran after him.

“What is going on- Taeyong?”, a woman, your mother’s age, opened the door with a shocked expression.

“He’s here isn’t he?! When did he come back and why didn’t you tell us?! I told you not to let him close to my sister ever again- “, he yelled but someone interrupted him, someone you didn’t except to see there.

“Mom what’s going- H-hyung?”, Mark almost dropped his phone as he saw Taeyong’s angry face, he could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. Mark’s eyes travelled behind Taeyong, meeting yours.

“I told you to stay away from her! I told you to leave her the fuck alone!”, Taeyong screamed.

“M-Mark? W-What are you doing in… in that house?”, you were so confused, scared and your head started hurting.

“I-I can explain- ““No! You can’t explain shit! Didn’t I tell you to stay away from her? Are you fucking addicted to hurting her? She lost her memory because of you!”, Taeyong referred to Mark’s addiction before. Everything started to make sense, the déjà vu’s you had whenever you were with Mark, his fear of meeting your brother, his overprotectiveness and shit, even Mrs. Kim was so obvious about your connection with Mark.

“Hyung please just listen to me, I changed- I’m not the same anymore. I’m a better person now- “

“A better person?! You’re using her! Again! You’re using her memory loss! You’ll never be- “

“(Y/n)!”, Mark yelled as he saw you collapsing on the floor with blood coming out of your nose. Your head hurt so much like never before, seeing Mark in that house, that woman and just everything right now was too much. Why did they know each other? Scenarios of Mark, Taeyong and you played in your head. How you hung out together, how you talked to Taeyong about Mark and the memory of you talking to Mark’s mom about Mark’s addiction. It was too much.

You woke up with a heavy headache. Taeyong sitting right next to you and your mother on the other side. “W-Where’s Mark.”, was the first thing you asked. “I’m calling the doctor.”, Taeyong said coldly.

“M-Mom? My head hurts.”, you said. Your mother placed a kiss on your forehead. “Everything will be alright, honey.”

You fell asleep again, too exhausted because of the memories that came back. You dreamed of moments with Mark, moments that felt so real, moments that actually happened but you couldn’t remember before. Mark and you going to McDonald’s after midnight. Mark and you making out in your bedroom. Mark’s hands all over your body as you two had sex. Mark yelling at you, throwing things on the floor and just hurting you. Mark being high and fighting with someone who wanted to dance with you at a party. Many memories of you crying and him yelling. All your memories came back, many puzzle pieces finally together.

You remembered everything.

Mark played with you, again. He broke your heart, again, and you had lost your memory because of him.

You didn’t tell anyone that your memories came back. You wanted to talk to Mark about everything first, you wanted to hear him tell you the truth and that’s why you texted him to meet you at the rooftop.

“I was so worried.” as soon as Mark arrived, he hugged you from behind. “Are you alright, princess? I’m sorry that I couldn’t visit- “, you interrupted him “You can stop the act now, Mark.”

“W-What do you mean?”, he knew exactly what you were talking about.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”, you asked, trying to hold in your tears.

“Babe- “

“I asked you a question!”, you raised your voice. “I wanted to. I swear I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared.”

You pushed his arms away and turned to him. “I can remember. Everything.”

“I-It was an accident, I love you. I always loved you.”, he cried.

“Not as much as you loved your drugs.”, you were tired, your head was arching.

“No that’s not true… I-I changed… I went to rehab I’m clean… I love you”, he couldn’t even look you in the eyes. “And all you needed was to push me down the stairs to become clean?”, you allowed your tears to fall down no, it hurt too much to hold them in.

“I’m so sorry, I love you.”

“You told me that I’m useless. You told me that you never wanted to see me again, you told me that I’m a piece of shit. If so, why did you make me fall in love with you again?”, your voice cold as ice and your eyes empty.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I was high and… and angry and just stupid, I promise you I- “, Mark fell on his knees, holding onto your legs. “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it.”, he repeated his words over and over again. “I didn’t mean it, please forgive me. Please I love you so much. I can’t live without you.”

“I don’t even know you.”

“You do. You know me! I’m Mark, the Mark who loves you forever until his last breath, I’d die for you, I’m the Mark you always wanted me to be. I love you (Y/n).”

“I-I can’t trust you.”, it hurt so much.

“Yes, you can, just give me a chance. The last months, they were perfect. You fell In love with me twice, we are destined to be together. Please just give me one last chance to make you happy.”, Mark was back on his feet, holding your face in his hands, slowly stroking your tears away with his thumbs.

“I-I don’t know, it’s too much for me right now.”

“Please, please give me another chance, let me show you how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I love you so much.”, Mark kissed your tears away. “I love everything about you. I love your nose, I love your beautiful eyes and I love the way you laugh. I love the way you want to help everyone. You’re so kind, sweet, you have a big heart. I want to hear you laugh until my last day on this planet. I don’t want to see you cry or hurt, I want to make you happy- I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m so thankful that we moved here, I can’t imagine my life without you.”

You knew that Mark’s your soulmate, you fell in love with him twice and all good things come in threes, right?

You kissed him on the lips like never before, so many emotions were going through your bodies and connected like your lips. Pain, longing, yearning, hurt, passion, desire & bittersweet love.

“I still need time, this is just still too much for me to handle. The memories- it feels like I’m with two different Mark’s here right now. I know that you changed, but still, it feels like I just went through the pain all over again.”, you said as you broke off the kiss.

“I understand that, and you can have as much time as you want. I’ll wait for you, no matter what.”, Mark smiled at you and you could feel that he was genuine.

It took a few months until Taeyong accepted the fact that you and Mark were trying again. He still didn’t allow him in the house or any physical contact next to him. Mark proved you that he really changed, he always made sure to make you happy and feel loved. Not a single day without Your mothers started talking again and a heartbreaking, but sweet restart happened. Mark and you finished high school and fortunately you got accepted to the same college. You moved in together and lived the life you always dreamed of.

“Everything’s perfect, but do you know what’s missing?”, Mark asked as you snuggled up to him under the blanket.

“What?”, you placed a sweet little kiss on his jaw.

“Babies.”

#mark lee angst #nct scenarios #nct angst #nct smut #nct127 #mark lee x you #mark lee smut #mark lee x reader #nct imagines #nct 127 angst #nct127 smut #superm #nct2020 #kpop fics #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines

785 notes · View notes

dahbeez · 4 years ago

Text

trigger warnings: mentions of suicide, bad mental health, pretty much everything related to drama and angst.

1. "Forget it, you're a fucking asshole."

2. "Don't you ever do that again!"

3. "Do you even still love me?"

4. "Nobody's seen you in days."

5. "I'm worried about you."

6. "Can you shut up for once in your life?"

7. "Holding everything in doesn't help, you know?"

8. "If you don't hug me right now I think I might fall apart."

9. "Just get home as soon as possible, okay?"

10. "I told you not to fall in love with me."

@wishiwasanavenger-archive

11. "And that makes it okay?"

12. "Are you afraid to die?"

13. "What would you do if I didn't come back?"

14. "Do you know what it's like?"

15. "Hasn't this addiction done enough damage already?"

16. "Why are your eyes so red?"

17. "How do you think this ends?"

18. "Why would I ever want to be with you?"

19. "Is that what you think of me?"

20. "Do you know what a gunshot wound feels like?"

21. "How am I supposed to go on?"

22. "Can't you see how fucked up this is?"

23. "If I told you I hate you, what would you do?"

24. "Should you be drinking that much?"

25. "What if we just crash this car and make it all stop?"

26. "Do the drugs still get you high?"

27. "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

28. "When did you stop loving me?"

29. "Don't you think you've done enough?"

30. "How did things go so wrong?"

31. "When did things fall apart?"

32. "Which part of me wasn't enough?"

33. "How do I make you love me again?"

34. "How much does it hurt knowing you lost me?"

35. "Were you trying to destroy us?"

36. "How do you want to die?"

37. "Is the weight of it all finally too heavy?"

38. "Are you okay with having blood on your hands?"

39. "How do you sleep at night?"

40. "Can you still sleep at night?"

41. "Is being high all the time worth losing everything?"

42. "Can you feel the blood draining from your body?"

43. "Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?"

44. "Will you miss me at all?"

45. "Can I have one last kiss?"

46. "Do you understand what you've done?"

47. "Is this how you thought your life would be?"

48. "Did you expect this to turn out better?"

49. "Can you really blame me?"

50. "How could you do this?"

51. "Can you be the one to do it?"

52. "Does this mean what I think it means?"

53. "Are you leaving?"

54. "How do we fix this?"

55. "Would you hate me?"

56. "Do you want to die?"

57. "How many more innocent people have to die?"

58. "Can you promise me no one else has to get hurt?"

59. "I can't do anything right."

60. "Please don't cry."

61. "Why are you awake right now?"

62. "Why are you lying to me?"

63. "Are you satisfied now...?"

64. "Do you even know what love feels like?"

@prompt-dealer

65. "You don't get to say anything to me!"

66. "Excuse me?"

67. "How is this my fault?"

68. "I don't want to talk to you."

69. "Move out of my way before I make you."

70. "This isn't an option."

71. "You aren't going anywhere."

72. "You aren't the boss of me."

73. "What gives you the right?"

74. "Do that again and you'll regret it."

75. "Leave me alone!"

76. "I don't care."

77. "Come back here right now!"

78. "Go. You go and don't even think about coming back here."

79. "Do I make myself clear?"

80. "Control your anger or you'll have me to worry about."

81. "What did you just say to me?"

82. "I didn't ask you to do that!"

83. "Get away from me!"

84. "Let go of me."

85. "No, please don't take me away!"

86. "What was that noise?"

87. "Did you see it?"

88. "What's in the shadows?"

89. "No, please don't turn off the light!"

90. "I don't want you to leave my side."

91. "I can't open my eyes, I don't want to."

92. "Don't leave me alone."

93. "No, please! No, no no no no no!"

94. "Don't look."

95. "What's happening?"

96. "Where did you go?"

97. "Somebody help me, please!"

98. "I can't see anything!"

@drink-it-write-it

99. "Sometimes I wonder if you even like me... it sure feels like you hate me sometimes."

100. "You were supposed to be my friend. That's all... that's all I asked of you. To be my friend. To care."

101. "I want to believe, I do... I just... how can I believe in something that I can't see?"

102. "I feel sick... so anxious and sick and like my heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest."

103. "I want you to be happy... even if it's not with me."

104. "I... I can't do this without you."

105. "Don't forget me."

106. "You weren't there... why weren't you there?"

107. "I needed you! I needed you!"

108. "Stop being a fucking dick."

109. "Please don't say that about yourself. Please don't believe that. You're so much more than that."

110. "I haven't slept since they left/died."

111. "Please don't make me choose."

112. "I trusted you."

113. "I'm so sorry."

114. "Please tell me this is a joke!"

115. "Sometimes it just all gets too much, y'know?"

116. "I have to live with what I've done."

117. "Are you okay?"

118. "Why are you bleeding?"

119. "When I say I want to be alone... I usually don't want to be alone."

120. "I don't wanna go in there!"

@writings-of-a-hufflepuff

121. "You can talk to me about anything."

122. "Take a deep breath."

123. "You don't have to go through this alone."

124. "You're not broken."

125. "It's okay to ask for help."

126. "You're safe."

@love-me-a-good-prompt

127. "I don't know how to exist in a world without you."

128. "The worst thing is that even after all of that, I'm still in love with you."

129. "No. The moment you saw me as a bet was the moment you fucked up."

130. "If I asked you to stay, would you?"

131. "Of course I still love you, but I hate myself for it."

@moanlightlust

132. "I'm leaving." "Of course you are, that's all you know how to do."

133. "You started drinking again, didn't you?"

134. "You promised you'd stop drinking!" "And you promised you wouldn't hurt me!"

135. "But it's my fault, right?"

136. "I don't want to feel this. I want to be numb again."

137. "You're lying to me again. Why can't you just tell me the truth for once?"

138. "I can't lose you." "You already did."

139. "Did it mean anything to you? Did I mean anything to you?"

140. "How was I such an idiot to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?"

141. "I loved you." "Then why did you let them get in between us?"

142. "Maybe they were right, you never did change."

143. "This is all in my head. It's all happening in my head."

144. "Don't you dare walk away from this!"

145. "What gives you the right to just walk back into my life after all the pain you've caused?"

146. "Any other lies left to tell me?"

147. "Why did you wait until I moved on?"

148. "When did you stop loving me."

149. "You deserve better."

150. "I risked my life for you."

151. "I was happier with you."

152. "I loved you. I loved you so so much but you hurt me."

153. "You broke me."

154. "You just threw four years of friendship out of the window."

155. "Sorry doesn't fix everything."

156. "You promised."

157. "Leave."

158. "What am I in your life? Because as of lately I feel as though I've been nothing to you."

159. "I can't keep playing pretend."

160. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't leave."

161. "I wish we never met."

162. "I'm sorry I'm not enough for you."

@blisvll

163. "No! No! No! Wake up! Please!"

164. "Please don't leave."

165. "You killed someone, do you really think they'll still love you?"

166. "They were my world, but now they're gone."

167. "Tears are all I see without you."

168. "NO!"

169. "I miss being in your arms."

170. "I may be dying, but please, don't cry over me."

171. "Thank you, for helping me live the greatest life I could."

172. "Billions or people in the world, and I chose you. How stupid was that."

@raggedy-dxctor

173. "What's the point?"

174. "No, it's not like that."

175. "If you really cared about be, you wouldn't do this."

176. "Fuck you."

177. "We can't go back in time, so stop trying to reverse what you said."

178. "What about us?"

179. "Don't say that."

180. "I'm done. We're done."

@whcczes

181. "There's nothing wrong with you."

182. "I won't let you down."

183. "You broke my heart."

184. "We're just not compatible."

185. "It's not what you said, it's how you said it."

186. "What's wrong with us?"

187. "I can't take it anymore."

188. "I can't be with you."

189. "Let me in!"

190. "Say something, anything!"

191. "We'll get through this."

192. "You don't need to be strong all the time."

193. "You need to sleep."

194. "I just need some time."

195. "You're no good for me."

196. "Don't tell me you're okay when you're not."

197. "I ruined everything."

198. "I can't remember anything."

199. "You're scaring me."

200. "You missed your chance."

201. "I've had better days."

202. "I'm scared."

203. "I love you, but the shadow that you cast is so big and I constantly feel like I'm trapped in it."

204. "You don't need to be perfect all the time. At least not with me."

205. "Do you really have to go?"

206. "You won't ever be alone again."

207. "You became someone else, a person I didn't fall in love with."

208. "Let me explain!"

209. "Please help me, I don't know where I am!"

210. "You need to eat."

211. "I need help."

212. "Will you ever forgive me?"

213. "I wish I was wrong for once."

214. "I know I can't compare to her."

215. "I can't breathe."

216. "Don't you dare die on my watch!"

217. "Hey! Don't touch her/him!"

218. "Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself."

219. "Is this a game to you?"

220. "No one deserves to be alone."

221. "I'm not expecting you to care."

222. "You swore you would never hurt me, but you lied."

223. "I never stood a chance anyway."

224. "Did you really think that you mattered to me?"

225. "You're nothing but full of broken promises."

226. "If you go through that door, don't you ever dare come back."

227. "You're too late."

228. "A part of me wish I could take all your pain away even though I know you deserve it."

229. "It's your fault, you're the one who killed them."

230. "I wish I hadn't saved you."

231. "Sometimes I feel like the whole world is against me."

232. "You took everything from me."

233. "You want forgiveness and I want you to get the hell out of my house."

234. "Living is so hard. Why is it so hard?"

235. "I hate you and I hate the way I feel about you."

236. "I just really need a hug right now."

237. "No one deserves to die, but it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone deserve a second chance."

238. "While your ship sails, mine sinks and if you don't take me with you right now I might drown."

@voilawind

#prompt list #prompts #angst #angsty prompts #fanfic prompts #fanfiction

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fandomficsnstuff · 3 years ago

Text

Forgive and Forget

Spencer Reid x Reader

(Warnings: (Y/F/B) stands for ‘your favorite breakfast’, pancakes, waffles, bacon, etc. ;D Also talk of drugs and drug addiction.)

(If you have a problem with any kind of substance or actions (you might not even realise it yourself) please get help, most addictions WILL kill you in the end, doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol, smoking, cutting, drinking gasoline, etc., please seek help, if not for you, then for those people who love you, please<3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You knocked on his door and waited patiently, holding the bag behind your back, a grin on your beautiful lips. You knocked again when he didn’t answer and you heard something fall to the ground and someone running to the door, seeing Spencer opening it, barely an inch, frowning as he saw you.

“Surprise! I have something for you” you grinned, seeing him frown and look almost annoyed “what-what are you doing here?” he asked, confused, and now it was your turn to frown “I uh… always come over on late mondays if you’re not on a case…” you said in a low voice, seeing Spencer shake his head, still not opening the door to let you in, he looked… freaked out, like you had caught him doing something he shouldn’t, and it made your mind wander. “Can I come in? I have something for you” you forced a smile and saw him look almost… angry? “You can’t just drop by whenever you want! At least call first, it's rude to just drop by! What kind of person just drops by?!” he slammed the door and your eyes went wide, feeling the rush of the door closing as he slammed it. You felt tears form in your eyes and you closed them, trying to hold back the tears as you put the bag right outside his door, knocking again, unaware that he was leaning against it on the other side, “I uh… I’m sorry I-... I should have called… I put your gift outside your door… I uh-... I hope you like it, Spence” you said and took a step back, quickly running to your car before the tears could run down your cheeks.

Spencer cracked the door open with a guilty expression, looking down the hallway and seeing no one, so he picked up the bag and closed his door. The bag was fairly heavy, so he sat on his couch as he pulled out a book out of the bag, his eyes going wide at the sight of it, reading the title.

‘First Folio’ by William Shakespeare, originally titled ‘Mr. William Shakespeare’s Comedies, Histories, & Tragedies’, and from what he could tell, it was the real book, not a copy, it was the one and only, estimated to be 6.3 million dollars by today’s standards…

He put the book down and got his coat, running out of his apartment to look for you, but when he couldn’t find you he went to his car, getting in and driving to your apartment.

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You dried your tears as you knocked on Penelope’s door, waiting as you heard footsteps, and eventually the door opened, her eyes wide at you crying. “Oh my god… come on in” she let you in and closed the door, instantly hugging you tightly. The only reason the two of you parted was when she led you to the kitchen, giving you a glass of water and sitting down with you, holding your hand as you continued to sob. As you slowly stopped, Penelope let you take all the time you needed, holding your hand the whole way through. She didn’t want to push you to talk about what made you so upset, not until you were ready. You sighed, an attempt to gather yourself, and it helped, somewhat. “I uh… I’m sorry I-I-... I’m sorry to just drop by I just didn’t want to go home yet and-”

“Oh honey, you don’t need to explain yourself, now tell me what’s up” she said in a comforting voice, it made you give her a brief smile before shrugging “I uh… I came by Spencer’s place and I had this gift for him, because I know he’s been stressed lately and I… thought he could need it and I-... I always come by on mondays if he’s not on a case and today I didn’t call because I thought-... he slammed the door in my face, Pennie… he slammed it i my face and raised his voice at me and I don’t know why-...” you began to sob again and Penelope moved her chair closer to yours, hugging you tightly, your own arms wrapping around her as you sobbed into her chest, unable to see the fury on her face, since she knew exactly who you were talking about.

She parted from you and took your hand, making you stand up and she brought you to the couch and sat you down, smiling her usual, cheerful smile “you stay here, pick a movie with one of these hotties and then I make popcorn and pour wine, deal?” you couldn’t help but chuckle, nodding as she presented about five movies to you, each starring incredibly hot guys, one of them was Fifty Shades Of Grey, of course.

You picked a movie and sat with her under a blanket that you shared on the couch, each in your own end of it, wine glasses in hand and popcorn shared between you, and it made you forget everything that hurt. You ended up falling asleep, a mix of exhaustion from crying and the wine, so Penelope just quietly turned off the movie, made sure the blanket was over you, took your empty glass of wine and the bowl of popcorn, cleaning it up and turning off any lights that had been on, giving you a warm smile before going to her bedroom.

The second a wall separated you two she got out her phone, dialing a certain doctor with a scowl on her face, hand on her hip as she heard his voice. “Penelope? Is (Y/N) with you? She’s not at her place and I-” Spencer sounded frantic, and Penelope almost took it easy on him, almost. “Yeah, she’s with me, and guess what? She was in complete tears! Spencer what the hell is wrong with you?! She is trying everything to make life better for you, she knows you’ve had it rough, and frankly so has the rest of us, but she came by with a gift she knew would cheer you up and you slammed the door in her face!” Penelope raised her voice but made sure to keep it to a whisper, not wanting to wake you up, “I know, I know I-I-I don’t know what I was thinking and-”

“Well let me help you, she was thinking ‘my boyfriend just slammed a door in my face’! You better make this right, lover-boy, she’s sleeping on my couch tonight. I’ll drive her to her apartment tomorrow, there’s a spare key over the door, on the doorframe. When I show up with her you better have her favorite breakfast ready!” she snapped quietly, hearing Spencer sigh, relieved you were okay and safe. “I-I don’t know how to thank you Penelope I-”

“Just make her happy again, I can’t watch my little kitten so sad” Penelope sighed, hearing Spencer start up his car and she could practically hear his sadness “I will, I’m so sorry, I-” Spencer was about to continue when Penelope made a noise that stopped him “tell her that, Spence, not me” Penelope interrupted him, ending the call and sighing, turning off her phone and going to bed.

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You cringed as you woke up, your body sore from the position you slept in on the couch as you stretched and moved to sit up. Your eyes found Penelope, looking fabulous as always as she set a mug of your favorite hot drink in front of you, forcing a smile to your lips as she sat down beside you on the couch. “How’re you feeling?” she asked quietly, hearing you sigh as you took a sip of your hot drink, savoring the taste before looking to her “sad, empty, sad, tired” you mumbled, hearing a chuckle from Penelope “yeah, if you’d stayed awake longer I’d offered you the bed, but I didn’t want to wake you” Penelope said quietly and you hummed, taking another sip, this one longer, of your warm drink, looking into the mug afterwards “I uh… should probably call Spence… ust let him know that I uh… I don’t know” you reached for your phone on the table and Penelope stopped you, hand on your shoulder as she looked stunned, her mouth opening and closing as if she was trying to come up with something to say “why don’t you uh… go home first… yes, go home first, I’ll drive you!” she said cheerily and downed the rest of her own mug, making you smile and do the same.

As you walked to Penelope’s car you couldn’t help but smile, making Penelope turn to you as she walked “what?” she asked with a smirk, making you chuckle and gently shake your head “nothing you’re-... you’re just amazing, Penelope…” you said with a smile, seeing her stop and look at you “oh honey, so are you! You’re the amazingest person ever” she said and you laughed as you both continued walking again “is that even a word?” you asked with a smirk, seeing her shrug “it is now” she said and got in her car, you following.

As you approached your apartment, a rather short drive actually, you sighed, looking up at your floor, to the window you knew belonged to you. You unbuckled and walked inside the building with Penelope, the two of you hadn’t really talked since you got in the car, which was alright, as talkative as Penelope could be, she was fine with silence between the two of you, as long as it doesn’t have a bad air to it, she was fine with it. You stopped outside your door and got out your key “wanna come inside? I can repay you on that glass of wine, I think I have some red” you said as you unlocked the door, turning to see her smiling and gently shaking her head “gonna have to be another time beautiful” she said and gently nudged your shoulder with her own, making you smile as you hugged her “thanks, for everything” you mumbled, seeing her smile as you parted “don’t worry about it, you can share that red with me another day as thanks” she winked and you smirked and chuckled, opening your door and walking inside as she went back to her car. You put your keys on a table, placing them in a small bowl by the door and taking off your shoes and coat, sighing as your feet hit the wooden floor.

You went to the kitchen to get something to drink and all but screamed at the sight that met you. A curly haired man stood in your kitchen, with an apron on, and was cooking… the kitchen smelt like (Y/F/B), your eyes narrowing as you recognized the hair and leaned against the wall, arms crossed across your chest, clearing your throat and seeing him turn, his eyes finding yours and you saw extreme guilt in them. “Who let you in?” you asked as the first thing, Spencer frowning before smiling at you that ‘please forgive me I’m so sorry’ smile “I uh… Penelope called yesterday, told me where the spare was… you should really find a better hiding place” Spencer said, clearly trying to lighten the mood, but you kept your eyes narrowed as you stared him down, letting out a small ‘hm’ sound before looking down “well then I’ll make sure to never place it there again” you mumbled and Spencer approached, fiddling with his hands nervously, something you found adorable, but you bit the inside of your cheek to prevent yourself from grinning like an idiot at it.

“I uh, made you your favorite breakfast, (Y/F/B) right? I uh… I was just cleaning up” he said and gestured to the sink and you sighed heavily, you couldn’t lie, the gesture warmed your heart to no extent. You forced your eyes up at him again and gently shook your head “what’s going on, Spencer? I always drop by Monday night when you’re not on a case… talk to me instead of shutting me out” you kept your voice calm, though you wanted to scream at him, but you saw how sad he was, how guilty he felt, and it wouldn’t benefit any of you “I uh… I-... you’re right” he gently placed his hands on your shoulders and moved you to the dinner table and sat you down on a chair and sat across from you, eyes downcast and not able to even glance at you, fiddling with his hands and his leg bouncing in a clear sign of anxiety.

“Do you uhm… do you remember Tobias Hankel?” he asked cautiously and you nodded, a frown on your brow as you continued to listen “yes, I remember…” you said quietly, seeing Spencer nod and clear his throat, swallowing a lump in his throat “I-I… I haven’t told you everything that-... that happened. I-I-I… I-... he… injected me with Dilaudid… and I-I… I’m-” Spencer was cut off as you gently placed a hand on his bouncing leg, making it stop and relaxing him, he finally managed to look up at you, seeing a warm smile on your lips “I’m so sorry for what you went through… I can’t imagine it but-... I… I know it may be a lot to ask but please don’t shut me out again… don’t shut me out, I only want to help, I love you Spencer…” you said and you saw tears in his eyes, trying to blink them away “does Hotch know? Penelope, JJ… anyone?” you asked and frowned as he shook his head “no you’re-... you’re the first I told” Spencer said with hesitation and you nodded at his answer, thinking about your options for a second before sighing “Spencer, if I asked you, would you go to some kind of meeting? Get some kind of help?” you asked, seeing him look up at you with a hesitant gaze before nodding, you sighed heavily, relieved, and embraced him, feeling him hesitantly hugging you back, and you gently kissed his neck, which was just about all you could reach besides his shoulder, but you wanted him to feel it directly. “I love you so much, Spencer. And I’m so proud of you” you whispered, feeling something wet on your shoulder and you knew he was fighting back the tears, despite a few of them escaping.

#Spencer Reid #Spencer x Reader #CM FanFic #Criminal Minds

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otomegamesandme · 3 years ago

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Bustafellows Review/Quick Thoughts

I finished Bustafellows at 100% and I wanted to share my thoughts on the game! This should be spoiler free, but some of things I say might count as minor spoilers just as a heads up!

CW: murder, kidnapping, suicide, drug abuse, drug addiction, human trafficking, prostitution, xenophobia, implied rape, depictions of mental illness

General Thoughts:

+I loved the group dynamic so much!! Found family and strong friendships are always my favorite thing and is one of the reasons I liked Code Realize so much. Their friendship made me really happy and helped break up the darker scenes.

+I was surprised at how short the game was? The common route took me about 4 hours to get through and the individual routes (A and B sides) took me about 2 hours. Since I just skipped through the common route after I did it once, it didn't take a lot of time to finish up the game.

+The moving backgrounds were really pretty. I loved 7'Scarlet's backgrounds for the same reason. The art in Bustafellows was really nice overall as well, although not my favorite style of all time or anything.

+Teuta was a fun main character and I liked that she had a mischievous streak. It was also nice to have an MC voiced as well as seeing her face from time to time outside of CGs.

+My main negative is that a lot of the topics and themes felt shallow? I think part of it was because it was short, so it doesn't really dive into anything beyond a surface level.

Routes:

My route ranking: Scarecrow > Mozu > Limbo/Helvetica > Shu

+Before we start, I love all the characters equally individually. They're all really interesting and a lot of fun. The rankings only reflect the actual romance/how the route was handled.

+Generally, I think how short the routes were really impacted the romance for me. I think if they'd had two chapters for the characters instead of one they could have built up the characters backstories, issues, and the romance better. It kinda felt like a speedrun for most of them.

+Listen I know everyone loves Shu but I felt like his was the worst with pacing. When they said they loved each other I was like 'wow, there was on sign of that at all.' Again, Shu as a character was great, but I think his route suffered the most from the fast pace.

+I've seen a lot of early reviews say they didn't like Helvetica but his route actually had me crying. I think of all the characters, his individual story was done the best, and I felt so bad for him the entire time. (Also that One Scene was really rough).

+Like everyone, I love Scarecrow the most. His and Teuta's friendship was so fun and their relationship was really cute and sweet. Romance wise his was my favorite, but I'm a sucker for a dynamic duo.

+Mozu...needs a hug

+Limbo's route was probably the lightest out of all the guys, and while I also enjoy friendship to lovers, his route didn't leave that much of an impression me. It wasn't bad and I enjoyed when playing it, but the details of it are already getting fuzzy.

Random Thoughts

+I liked the side characters a lot, and I like that the extra episodes focused on them and their stories. Honestly, Bustafellows stands out when it comes to the friendships, not just with the guys, but with everyone. I'm surprised at how attached I got to some of the side characters.

+Honestly it's always really refreshing to play a localized game that isn't Otomate. Otomate games all have the same vibe and I don't really realize it until I play something by another company.

Final Rating: 8/10

#bustafellows #em reviews #otome #otome game #honestly it was a lot of fun #I really hope it did/does well enough for pqube to consider more #if you can handle the serious subject matter I really recommend it too

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extratragic · 5 years ago

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pairing: JJ Maybank x fem!reader

warning: under age drug/alcohol use, addiction

word count: 1746

summary: after a year in rehab, the plan was to stay away from what got you in, but it was a lot harder than you expected

I was planning on doing this in one whole part, but I wanted to do the coming home part first and then the whole breakdown next :)

“Come on, y/n. Just once time,” Topper said, pulling you down beside him.

“I dunno, Top,” you trailed off.

Rafe pushed the line in front of you and you looked up at your brother who just smiled.

You wouldn’t think that your older brother would let you do drugs, but here you were, about to snort coke that your brother’s best friend was giving you. So you took the rolled-up dollar bill into your hands and bent over, breathing in the white powder.

Rafe and Topper cheered you on and you giggled, leaning back on the couch and feeling the fast effects of the coke.

That night led to more parties and a lot more lines of coke.

It also led to your boyfriend, JJ Maybank, to break up with you.

”You’re breaking up with me because I’m having fun at a party?” You asked JJ.

“I’m breaking up with you because you’re a fucking addict and you don’t let me help you,” he told you.

“You’re one to fucking talk, Maybank. You can judge me when you don’t spend all day drinking and smoking,” you snapped before leaving.

You went to JJ three months later after doing a few lines and drinking far too much, crying hysterically. Rafe and Kelce tried to force you into sleeping with them and Topper just laughed.

JJ took you home and talked to your parents, but he made sure to leave Topper out of it. Of course he blamed your brother, but you didn’t want your mom to hate Topper even more. She was already hard on him without drugs being in the mix.

That’s how you ended up in rehab for an entire year before you finally felt safe enough to be on your own.

Your mom picked you up and you sat awkwardly in the passenger seat as she drove. When she dropped you off a year ago, she was livid. She wouldn’t even speak to you. She didn’t visit for the first two months, no one did. But she started coming every other week when you called her crying about how you felt alone there. Things were still tense, but at least she was no longer visibly pissed.

The first thing that you wanted to do was see JJ and his friends.

You met JJ and Pope at Midsummer's one year when they were both helping Pope’s dad. You knew that JJ hated Kooks, but he seemed to have a soft spot for you, and he asked you out after a few weeks of endless flirting and days spent on your boat.

He put up with your shit, and you loved him for it. You told him that you loved him before you left for rehab and made sure to tell him that it was okay if he didn’t feel the same. He had a lot more going on in his life that kept him from loving people, and that was okay with you.

“Have you talked to any of your friends?” Your mom asked.

“I told JJ that I might go see him tonight,” you answered.

She hummed and you frowned at the look on her face. She never liked that you dated a Pogue.

“Just for a little bit, though. I just want to be around people that I haven’t seen in a while,” you were quick to add.

She nodded again and you sighed quietly.

“Sarah said she’s excited to see me,” you told her.

There’s a smile.

“I’m sure she is. Are you excited to see her?” She asked.

“I am. She told me that she would’ve come to see me, but Rose and Ward always had her doing something,” you said.

“She’s been a very busy girl, barely even has time to see your brother,” she said.

You furrowed your eyebrows but you didn’t say anything. Sarah told you that she and your brother had broken up, but maybe Topper just didn’t tell your mom.

“Can I stay at her house tonight?” You asked.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in your own bed tonight?” She asked.

You shrugged and looked out of the window.

“I haven’t been in my bed for almost a year. What’s one more night?” You asked.

“If you want to,” she told you.

You smiled and nodded, leaving the rest of the ride to be silent.

When you guys got home, you were quick to go up to your room and shower. The strong water presser was a total 180 from the showers at the rehab facility. It felt amazing to not have to worry about having strong hot water for more than five minutes.

After getting out, you slipped on your favorite cute and casual outfit and grabbed your car keys. You were most excited to drive again.

“Hey.”

You turned towards your bedroom door, seeing Topper standing in the doorway.

“Hi,” you said quietly.

“I’m so sorry, y/n,” he quickly apologized, almost running over to you.

Tears filled your eyes and you hugged your older brother tightly, not wanting to let him go. His arms wrapped around your shoulders and you finally got to feel some form of love and comfort in what felt like forever. Topper fucked up a lot, sure, but he was your brother and he loved you more than you could love yourself.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, sniffling.

You shook your head and hugged him tighter.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” you whispered.

“It’s not okay. I should’ve taken you home. I never should’ve let you get involved in any of that,” he said.

You pulled away just enough so that you could look your brother in the eyes.

“I’m okay, Top. I forgave you a long time ago. I’m better now,” you told him, smiling softly.

He nodded and you hugged him again.

“I’m gonna see Sarah tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow and we can do something fun,” I told him.

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded.

You walked over to your bedroom door and stopped, turning to face him.

“And you should probably tell mom that you and Sarah broke up,” you said before leaving.

The Cameron household was a place that you knew just as well as your own home. Between hanging out with Sarah, helping babysit Wheezie, and occasionally hanging out with Rafe (before he was a total dick), you spend a lot of your childhood and so far teen years there.

So, when you opened the door without knocking, you didn’t process that it might worry the family.

“Who the hell is that?!” Sarah yelled.

“A psycho killer. You should really lock your doors,” you said.

“Y/n!” She squealed, running down the stairs and practically jumping into your arms.

You laughed and hugged her back tightly. It felt good to hug someone that simply just missed you. The people that you hugged while leaving rehab gave you goodbye hugs, not ‘I miss you so much’ hugs. Topper’s hug was more of an ‘I’m so sorry. I love you’ hug. But Sarah’s hug was a vice-like grip that neither of you wanted to end.

“Oh! Hi, y/n. I didn’t know you were home,” Ward Cameron said.

You never had a good relationship with Ward. Before Rafe became a dick, the two of you were friends, and you hated the way Ward treated him.

“Hey, Ward,” you smiled tightly. Sarah let go of you and Ward smiled at you.

“Rose and I are going to look at a house. You guys can do whatever for dinner. Just make sure your sister gets fed,” he said.

The two of you nodded, but you noticed how he didn’t say anything about Rafe. Instead of making a comment, the two of you went up to Sarah’s room.

“I almost had everything set up. Wheezie’s in her room and the snacks are still downstairs, but you sit. I’ll be back in a minute,” she said, running down the stairs.

You looked around the room, seeing a small projector pointed at the wall, one of Sarah’s blankets hanging so you could see the movie perfectly. The cover picture of your favorite movie was on the blanket, making you laugh. You felt bad that you were planning on ditching her, but you’d make it up the next night.

Wheezie and Sarah both came into the room after you made yourself comfortable on the bed.

“There’s my favorite Cameron,” you grinned.

Wheezie jumped onto the bed and hugged you tightly, making you laugh while hugging her back just as tight.

“I missed you,” she mumbled.

“Missed you too, girlfriend,” you replied.

Once all hugs were done with and snacks were distributed, Sarah pressed play and the three of you watched the movie.

At one point, you ended up with your head in Sarah’s lap, and Wheezie laid in front of you. Wheezie fell asleep towards the end, so when the movie ended, you turned towards Sarah with a small smile.

“I feel like a total bitch for this. You can totally say no if you don’t want to, but-”

“Go see JJ, y/n,” Sarah said, cutting off your rushed whispering.

“If my mom asks, I was with you all night. And I’ll make it up tomorrow,” you grinned.

“You better. Now go have a love life again,” she said, pushing you out of the bed.

You kissed her cheek and slipped your sandals on before sneaking out of the house. You’d done it with Sarah enough times to know exactly where to step and what stairs to avoid until you got outside. You got on Sarah’s bike and rode over to John B’s house, hoping that JJ would be there.

Leaving the bike against the side of the house, you knocked on the door and waited for a minute before it opened.

“Y/n,” JJ grinned.

“Hey,” you said, grinning shyly.

He was quick to pull you into a hug, slowly swaying side to side with you in his arms. Your body still fit perfectly with his. Your head was on his shoulder, face tucked into his neck, while he pressed kissed to your head.

The two of you were silent for a little while, just enjoying being in the others’ arms again.

JJ’s hug was different than Sarah’s. His hug made you feel loved, but not like how you felt when Topper hugged you. No, JJ’s hug made you feel loved, warm, and safe.

It felt like home.

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cosmicheromp3 · 5 years ago

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let’s talk about snowbirds don’t fly for a second, shall we: the arc where roy’s addiction was first introduced, and how it actually affected the relationship between roy and ollie.

people’s perception of snowbirds don’t fly and the events surrounding it is so... weird, to the point where it often makes me wonder whether they’ve actually read the comic (and roy’s appearances right after, but i realize those might be less known) or whether they’re just going off a few very specific panels and inaccurate recounts – usually from people that will twist anything in their favour to call ollie a bad guy.

because, if you pieced together what most people seem to think happened – and this is what i was expecting to find once i decided to read it myself –, in snowbirds we should see: roy, not yet an adult and still under the active care of ollie, starts using drugs, and oliver’s so caught up in himself and negligent that he doesn’t notice what’s happening. when he finally finds out, he lashes out, hits roy and kicks him out of the house, leaving roy without a home. this makes their relationship crumble, and roy starts hating ollie because of it. they don’t speak to each other, and leave in awful terms.

and... in many aspects, that’s so far from the events you'll see if you actually go read green lantern #85 (snowbirds don’t fly) and #86 (they say it’ll kill me... but then won’t say when!). i’m assuming a lot of misconceptions happen because of a) writers with a grudge against ollie who retroactively, and unfairly, painted him in a bad light, and people took this at face value, and b) retcons that came with the new 52 reboot – but, i'll be honest, i don’t care enough to go read that mess even for this post. in general, i’m pretty sure we all agree that we ignore out of character comics; let’s not make roy and ollie the exception to that, yeah?

first i want to get something out of the way, that i feel like i need to mention even though there’s probably people that have talked about it better than i could. when we analyze this comic we should keep in mind that the characters in the story were meant to fill specific roles for the sort of... PSA comic that dc was trying to make, and in the 70s, at that. considering this, both roy and ollie are plot devices.

the creative team behind the story (o’neil and adams) have said that they chose roy to be the average “good” teen who fell into drugs – as a way to say “this could happen to anyone, even to this reputable superhero”. ollie was the caring but imperfect parent who missed the signs – not abusive but distant at the moment, he was meant to be more like a nudge to parents to pay closer attention. it was written to play as a sort of “this could happen to the best of us” situation. and in that context, ollie is made to react in a way that is at most "not ideal" for the standards of its time: he hits roy, and denies to himself that roy’s addiction is a real problem that needs to be dealt with delicately. this is used to send the message of “don’t react like this”.

that isn’t exactly the point of this post, and i don’t want to downplay the harm ollie did with his reaction or absolve him of any blame. the point of this post is: people seem to think that’s where the storyline ended, that was ollie’s final reaction, and those are the terms in which ollie and roy parted; which is just not true.

instead, ollie hitting roy happens in the very first page of green lantern #86 – we have an entire issue in which ollie is faced with his initial reaction and made to confront his mistake (which is more than we can say for, um, other father superheroes that have hit their children. i won’t name names.) the only moment you could read as him “kicking roy out” – which is the phrasing i’ve seen applied to this – happens the very next page, where ollie tells roy to “get out”.

the thing is, roy was not living with ollie at the moment. there was nowhere that ollie could kick him out from. “get out” means just that: get out of this room (and ollie didn’t intend anything more than that with his words.) the comic makes a point of stressing that roy is, by that point, independent, and old enough to be living without a guardian.

ollie, right after roy leaves, thinks: “but he shouldn’t need attention–at his age”. ollie is in the wrong here because of his close-minded view of addiction and because he’s not considering that, though a legal adult, roy is still young and needs care, but it still shows that roy was largely on his own by then. ollie’s reaction is definitively negative and a rejection, but can’t in any way be seen as “kicking roy out”, because it isn’t. (note, also, how ollie’s first thought is that he failed roy, but his denial and stubbornness get in the way and he shifts the blame. he’ll eventually have to get over this and change.)

we see that ollie plays the role of the father that reacts poorly, and he is directly contrasted with the adults who do take responsibility for roy – hal at first, and dinah after, are the ones who play the role of “this is how you should react.”

hal finds roy without knowing what happened between him and ollie, and his first reaction is to take roy to a doctor; he immediately recognizes that what roy needs is help – and will later say so to ollie. when roy refuses, saying he wants to kick the addiction on his own – to prove himself to ollie, because even though he doesn’t think ollie was right he still values his opinion and their relationship, but i’d say there’s something he’s trying to prove to himself, too –, hal recognizes that he doesn’t know anything about drug withdrawal or addiction, and he’s receptive to roy, asking him questions and listening without judgement.

so he takes roy to dinah, who is the one that (very kindly, might i add, because dinah and roy weren’t that close at the time) cares for roy while he goes cold turkey. roy, possibly rather unrealistically, though i’m no expert, kicks the addiction in the span of a few pages. before the ending of this arc, roy has already gone clean.

there’s a one week timeskip there, where we assume that out of the characters featured in this story, roy only interacts with dinah, and ollie’s been with hal. then, before the conclusion of this story, roy is given a place to confront ollie and call him out for his mistakes. roy calls him out for turning his back on him, and he gets to tell him – and show him, punching him in a scene where it’s implied that ollie completely deserves it, unlike the opposite situation that this issue started with – about the pain he’s been in. we are given, in text, a moment where roy can express to ollie what he’s been going through, what he did wrong, and how it affected him.

(this is a moment where the intentions of the comic are very clear, not only because roy practically turns to the camera to deliver the PSA, but also because of the wording: roy told ollie that he turned his back on him, and in the same page he talks about society turning its back on drug addicts, same wording twice. ollie and roy are both meant to represent something other than just themselves, even if this happened in continuity and ended up affecting their characters in the long run.)

and ollie – unlike in that first page, now ollie is shown to listen and understand. he’s not in the same place or mindset he was in when everything started. in the beginning, ollie thought that there must be something inherently bad about a person who does drugs, in a reflection of society’s – and parents’ – views of the issue. and that shows in his initial denial and reaction: ‘how could my son, who’s a good person, do this?’ then, in this scene, when roy tells him he beat the addiction, he answers “good boy” – roy immediately rejects this notion, and emphasizes that there’s more to it than his own goodness: what’s important is the help he received, namely from hal and dinah, and a caring environment. ollie, at the very least, begins to understand this, and in doing so understands very clearly what he needs to change about their relationship if he wants roy back.

this means that ollie starts undergoing character development in this one issue alone. the thing about ollie, in regards to his relationship with roy, is that he has made mistakes and the narrative acknowledges it; but, when well written, he realizes and admits it, making a point of learning from his mistakes. roy knows that ollie has fucked up, too, and doesn’t let him off the hook for it, but he also recognizes that he makes an effort to be better. especially after snowbirds, this informs their relationship a lot.

by the end of the issue they’re not hugging, and roy is leaving on his own, but that’s completely of his own accord. and these are the last panels in the entire issue:

the whole original comic, but mostly these panels specifically, is what makes me wonder about people’s perception of these events, and the misconceptions i previously mentioned – because i really am confused as to how you could reconcile these two opposite readings. unless, you know... people are speaking without ever touching the original comic. (i don’t want to blame anyone for not reading older comics, but please, if you’re gonna speak, especially if it’s to shit on a character or call them abusive the way people do with ollie, do it in an informed way.)

so, right after the events of snowbirds, because roy was allowed to speak up and ollie was made to listen, at least as much as can be expected through his stubbornness, they’re in much better terms than people usually think. if you look at roy’s chronology, he interacts with ollie in his next few appearances (barring the teen titans ones), teaming up as they normally would, with the one difference being the emphasis that’s put into the fact that roy has grown away from ollie – in the same way as any young adult would grow away from a parent. there’s also roy’s resentment for ollie’s actions, but this resentment is portrayed as deserved and it doesn’t turn their interactions into something negative. it’s still clear that they both care for each other, and there’s certainly no hate.

[from action comics #436/2]

this first one takes place a few months after roy goes his own way. roy is in the middle of working a case when ollie gets involved, and they work on it together. green lantern #100/2 is their next appearance and has a similar plot, this time with dinah working with them as well. in both of these, they still work well together, are able to communicate in action and have each other’s backs.

in the action comics issue, ollie insists that roy is still welcome by his side, and that he should still feel free to ask for help whenever he needs it. roy refuses in the way that’s shown in the panels above – saying that he needs to “be a loner for a while” and build a life of his own (though it’s not an exact parallel, because ollie is ollie and takes “loner” to a whole other level, the wording here reminds me of the way ollie tends to leave on his own whenever he feels like he needs to find himself). you’ll see that these interactions aren’t hostile at all – quite the opposite.

world’s finest #251/3 might be the one where their interactions are the most tense, and that’s mostly just in the end. when they’re done with the usual superhero team-up, ollie shows willingness to talk to roy:

“i can’t help out. roy’s back, and, well– we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” through these issues, we realize that ollie has learned: his previous mistake was not paying enough attention to roy, and not showing him that he could always count on ollie (both in noticing roy’s addiction, but also before, in not taking enough care so roy wouldn’t get to that point). he tries to make up for it every chance he has, but it’s always on roy’s terms. everyone is aware that ollie is the one who was in the wrong, and it’s up to roy to forgive him or not, but no one ever pressures roy to do so. when roy doesn’t want to stay and talk, ollie accepts it.

ollie atones again and again, and their relationship isn’t magically fixed and they don’t go back to being close without effort – effort which rightfully has to be done, again, mostly on ollie’s part. but they never, ever go so far as to hate each other.

then, in green arrow (1988) #75, ollie feels so bad about what happened between them, about the way he screwed up, he essentially says to roy that he wouldn’t fault him for wanting to shoot him. “so go ahead. god knows, you’ve got plenty of reason.” roy has been brainwashed here; he breaks through it because of ollie’s words.

and, after this whole ordeal is done, this is how they part ways:

by this point, roy already has lian and a life of his own. he’s gone back to being speedy and then arsenal, he’s in the titans again and he will become a renowned hero in his own right. he might have forgiven ollie a long time ago, but now that he has found himself – like he set off to do at first – he seems more prepared to make amends and see where he stands with him (maybe i’m attributing more consistency among these issues, that happen years apart, than we should actually give them credit for, but i can’t help trying to find the common themes.)

after these, which are the most immediate interactions after snowbirds, we have multiple instances of them being close again. it’s in every small moment they have together, really, but off the top of my head, a couple that are illustrative for their relationship are green arrow: the archer’s quest and justice league of america (2006) #7, even though they don’t directly interact in this last one. i was gonna include panels from both, but this is getting long enough; i urge you to read them, especially if you followed along reading the issues i’ve mentioned, because they’re great. what i am gonna include, cause it’s amazing, is this panel from justice league of america wedding special.

in my opinion, these misconceptions around ollie and roy not only are a disservice to their characters but also mean that people are missing out on what i think is a really interesting relationship. it’s almost rare to see a relationship evolve in a way that feels so organic in comics, not only because the interpersonal conflict here is shown to have real, tangible consequences but also because the characters are allowed to grow in a way that is gradual and natural and even satisfying.

ollie and roy's relationship might have never been the exact same after snowbirds – but which father-son relationship stays the same after the son grows up? and i think it's a testament to the strength of their bond that without ever ignoring these events (because, as i’ve shown, they’re very much acknowledged again and again) they not only never stop loving each other, but are also able to keep building something meaningful going forward.

#roy harper #ollie queen #green arrow #dc #dc meta #drug mention //#long post //#i was gonna put this under a read more but u know what. i'm not gonna give u the option to scroll past this. you are forced to read it #not really but u know hgsdhghsj #you'll notice how many times they call each other dad/son in these panels and that wasn't even intentional #not to keep comparing this to u know who but u know who could never

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theskyeandsea · 4 years ago

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Baking & Entering || Nate, Shiloh, Rio, & Skylar

Timing: Late January 19th, 2021 (takes place after this chatzy)

Location: Fondante’s Inferno

Tagging: @nate-santos @evanescentform @3starsquinn & @theskyeandsea

Description: Nate just wants to close up shop, while Shiloh and Rio solve the mystery surrounding where Skylar’s been. It’s a sticky situation all around.

TW: Drug Use, Addiction, Body Horror, Violence, Car Accident

It was nighttime. Skylar was sure that it was nighttime. When it had become night, she wasn’t sure but she wasn’t sure of much anymore. All she knew was that the streets were empty, the lights dim, and the world around her felt lighter than it ever had before. Her feet skipped down the empty road, her body feeling lighter than anything. Humming tunelessly to herself, Skylar ran a hand along one of the walls of the building next to her. And as she did so, she felt herself slipping through, sliding through, as though the wall didn’t even exist. Because it didn’t. It was part of her and then suddenly-- it wasn’t.

Stumbling, Skylar caught her balance as thick plumes of dust flew around her face-- no, not dust. Flour. Skylar flexed her fingers experimentally as she looked around. Bright fluorescence. And flour. Flour-essence. An off-kilter giggle burbled from her lips as the rest of her body slid through the wall, as though it was nothing at all. She was light on her feet, lighter than anything. Running her hand along the table, Skylar idly knocked the bowls and cake stands to the ground, fingers pressing the buttons on a large oven as she walked through the back of the shop. “Nope, nope, nope.” She said as she tossed knives and cake tins across the room.

Nate liked the evenings at his shop. It was nothing like the daytime, with loads of people coming in and out. Before the accident he might have felt differently, but now he enjoyed the silence his late night shifts brought. Only a few customers filtering in and out after the bars had closed, and only one of the previous owners’ regulars had asked for the Extra Raw Special, whatever that was. Nate had just flipped the open sign over to “closed” when he heard the commotion in the back. His heart stopped and he froze like a deer in headlights. He’d locked the back door, right?? He always locked the back door. Grabbing the nearest weapon - a mighty broom - Nate stepped quietly behind the counter, preparing to open the door to the back room. “H-hey! Whoever’s back there! I-I am armed! Go b-back where you came from!” Yeah, Nate. Super intimidating.

Looking around at the rows of things she could never eat, Skylar ran her tongue against the jagged points of her teeth. Cakes and sugar and flour and pastries. She tipped a tray over with a giggle before realizing that someone was talking. Someone was yelling at her. They weren’t here though, she couldn’t see them here. Her body was buzzing with energy as she pressed her head against the wall, the sound of their voice muted through the haze. But, she could hear them on the other side. “Oh yes, you’re very armed,” Skylar said and looked at one of the tables next to her. “I can do that too.” She said and she picked up a knife, the blade so very very light in her hand. “One, two, two arms!” She sang as her body slid through the wall and she emerged, staring at the man before her, clutching a broom tightly. The knife in her hand was suddenly slick with something hot and wet and she glanced down at her hand, tilting her head in surprise. Blood was streaming from the tips of her fingers-- One, two, three, four… What happened to her fingernails? She should have ten. “Oh well!” Skylar turned her attention to the man again, “Are you going to try and sweep me under the rug?” She asked before lunging at him with the knife.

Nate couldn’t help but shudder, his grip on the broomstick slipping. Despite being open late for potential drunk and disorderly patrons, Nate never had to deal with them. Usually the more rambunctious people in town left his little shop alone. He was cursing his lack of preparedness when he heard the intruder respond, teasing him that they were also armed. Probably with something more deadly than a broom. “I-I’m warning you!” He yelled with as much force as he could muster, his eyes darting around for a better weapon. “The police are on their way!” A lie, but hopefully one that might give the intruder a second thought about attacking him. He heard crashing coming from the back room as bowls of ingredients fell to waste. The woman’s singsong voice, muffled at first through the wall, became perfectly clear as she literally phased through it, right before his eyes. As if he wasn’t terrified enough already. The person standing before him, waving one of his knives around, was the most horrific thing he’d seen since his accident. Razor sharp teeth formed a hazy smile while blood dripped from her fingertips, leaving bright red dots on his freshly cleaned floors. A chunk of hair seemed to be missing. But nothing compared to the wild look in her eye.

“N-no, but you should just leave! I don’t even keep cash in the st-” His bargaining was cut short as she leapt towards him, blade raised for the kill. Nate dropped to the floor and rolled, the knife just barely grazing his arm. Thrusting his legs out, he attempted to trip her up, at least to get the knife out of her hand before scrambling back towards the counter. “Why are you doing this?!”

Skylar watched as the knife darted out from her hand, like a sliver of light as it pierce through the air between them. It was so fast, so quick. Was this was power felt like? Freedom? She could do whatever she wanted, she could do anything she wanted. And she wanted to… “I don’t want money.” She laughed, shaking her head as he fell to the ground. His feet hit against her shins, but she felt light and buoyant, barely affected by the kicks. “I want,” Skylar paused, looking at a glass stand on the counter and grasped the glass with her free hand. “Sugar and spice and everything nice.” She said to herself as she looked at the pastries on the tray. Looking over at the man, she cocked her head. “Don’t you hate being nothing but sugar all the time? Better be bitter, mmmm.” She hummed before throwing the glass stand at him with a gleeful look in her eyes.

Nate honestly didn’t think his life would end up like this, being robbed by a drugged out land shark with mutant powers. He’d survived the brutal car crash for this? There was a touch of madness behind her eyes as she went about destroying his shop, his livelihood. “I quite like sweetness actually,” he mumbled, knowing she hadn’t been looking for an answer, only chaos, it seemed. He cowered, throwing his arms over his head just as glass and icing rained down on him. A spatter of blood dripped down into his eyes and suddenly he was back to hanging upside down in his truck, blood falling from his nose onto the shattered windshield. Panic swelled up inside him as his hands fumbled for anything to help, anything to cut himself free. Fingers closed around something long and sharp, a sliver of glass, it’s edges biting into his fingers as he gripped it tight. Lashing out blindly, unsure if he was trapped under his bakery case or in his car in the woods, all Nate knew was he needed to slash until he made contact.

Skylar continued to bear down on the man before her, his face flickering in her vision. She could see the fear in his eyes and it felt so, so good. Someone else could finally be as afraid as she was, they could finally see what all of this meant to her. Everyone had told her to just be happy with what she was and she’d tried to do it their way and now she was doing it her way. Ever since she’d first taken that dose of Bliss, she’d been happy and now? She was ecstatic. And shouldn’t everyone be happy for her? She was showing the world the monster she’d seen in the mirror since that terrible day last January. And she was happy with that. Everyone had only ever wanted her to be happy with herself and now she was. So they should all be happy.

But the man, he didn’t look happy. As he grasped at bits of bloodied glass, Skylar regarded him with a doleful expression. Why wasn’t he happy? She could change that. Grasping the knife once more, she made her way towards him, ignoring the way his arms flailed around him. She held the knife out, a manic smile on her face before something stopped her abruptly. Glancing down, Skylar realized that her shirt was slowly darkening, the source a large slash across her side. She pressed her fingers into the wound, her hands coming back covered in cloying, dark blood. “This should hurt, I think it should hurt.” She said as she pressed her hand against her wound, more and more blood flowing down her body. “But nothing does, nothing does anymore.” She said to the man. “Isn’t that wonderful?”

The room came back into view, fading in like someone was drawing back the curtains on reality. Nate dropped the fragment of glass, letting it clatter to the floor, splashing dark red splotches all the way down. In front of him wasn’t the scene he remembered, the horrific scene in the wreckage that came to him in flashes when he slept too deeply. The intruder with the spiked teeth was bleeding, more than she was, this time from a large gash in her side. Nate’s stomach dropped. Did he do that? What if she died? He scrambled backwards, looking at his shaking hands like they belonged to someone else. Tears streamed down his face as he watched the girl so divorced from reality. “W-what happened to y-you?” He sobbed, hugging his knees.

Skylar couldn’t feel anything as the blood continued to drip and puddle around her, hands attempting to stop the steady flow. It wasn’t just the pain because she should, she really should be feeling that. She didn’t even feel warm as the blood rolled down her skin. It felt like water, drip drip dripping against her. Pulling her hand away, she ran her palm against the counter top, leaving a thick smear across the once shiny counter. She watched as he backed away, curling up. And for a brief moment, she could see herself where he was. Crying and hugging herself, wondering, “Why, why, why is this happening.” She murmured. Bobbing her head from side to side, she shrugged. “Sugar and spice and everything nice. Pills and vials and needles and dust. That’s what seals are made of.” She said before sighing. This place was too saccharine sweet. She wanted something different, like the salty tang of the sea, like the bitterness of blood. Stepping over the man, glass crunched under her shoes as she made her way towards the door. She pushed it open with her bleeding hand, two streaks of red running from her raw fingers and down the glass.

Shiloh smiled to herself, amused by what Rio had said. It seemed she made a good decision to come out with him and take her mind off things. She needed this. As she glanced up, she saw someone she recognized. When she took in her state, she almost wished she didn’t recognize her. “Skylar?” Shiloh questioned, unsure if what she was seeing was true or if her dreams suddenly started to blur into her reality. She glanced over at Rio to see if he had caught what she saw because if he saw it too then it must be real. It must be real. “Skylar!” She called out as she started running towards her. All that her mind was picking up was blood. Blood on Skylar. Someone must have hurt her. “Are you okay?” She asked as she came close, already trying to investigate where the blood was coming from.

If there was any irony in the fact Shiloh and Orion had come out here to distract themselves from the worry they felt about Skylar, he didn’t appreciate it now. Rio hardly considered himself a social butterfly, so the fact that Shiloh and himself had seemed to hit it off had been a bit of a surprise to Rio. But all the ease or relaxation he had felt for the last twenty minutes evacuated as soon as he was close enough to see the commotion in the bakery that they were heading towards. “Holy crap” Rio murmured, taking off after Shiloh was already rushing in Skylar’s direction. “Does she have a knife?” Rio asked again, to nobody in particular but quiet enough that maybe he was too shocked to believe it himself. What the heck was going on with Skylar? And why was she bleeding? Shiloh was already checking on Skylar, trying to get her to calm down and make sure she was okay. In the meantime, Rio assessed the rest of the store, eyeing the blood smeared across the glass. “Nate, what’s going on? Are you hurt too?”

Swaying as she stood in the middle of the street, Skylar leaned over to squint in the darkness at the two figures coming towards her. She recognized them as their shifting faces came into view-- Rio and Shiloh. A burbling laugh erupted from her mouth at the sight. She’d never seen the two of them together and here they were. Standing up right, she tilted her head at Shiloh’s question, eyes slightly unfocused. “Mmmmm, I’m okay, yup. That’s what you’d like to hear, right?” She said with another giddy laugh, the knife still light and bouncing in her bleeding hand. “I’m okay! I’m fine! I’m so, so happy! Just super, super happy, yup.” She said before turning to Rio, who was peering at the store behind her. “He’s fine, too.” Skylar said, her tone shifting as she stared intently at Rio, the knife suddenly still in her hand.

Shiloh almost didn’t catch the knife in Skylar’s hand, more preoccupied with everything else that was going on with her. Not that she worried for one minute that Skylar was going to hurt her, she was worried she might hurt herself. Had she hurt herself? While Rio was concerned with the owner of the store, Shiloh had different priorities. “Skye what’s going on?” She gently asked, coming close to her. “I need to know if you’re hurt.” It didn’t seem Skylar was too interested in herself though - surely if someone was injured to the point they had that much blood on them, they’d be looking for help, right? And yet - she laughed. “Let me help you, Skye. Can I see that? ” She asked as she held her hand out. She tried to look into Skye’s eyes, trying to reach out to her. The only thing she could notice was that she really wasn’t looking at them. Something was wrong and Shiloh needed to get her help. It was really hard for Shiloh to look at anything but her eyes right now, not wanting to see the amount of blood on her.

Still looking at Rio, Skylar couldn’t help but wonder what he’d look like if she stuck him with her knife, if she slashed across his face and left him to bleed on the pavement. “Would your hair go pink or red?” She wondered out loud. Before she could reach out to see for herself, Skylar noticed Shiloh move towards her and she danced backwards clumsily. A trickle of warmth spread down her side as she moved away, shaking her head. “Nope, nope, this is mine. Well, it was his,” Skylar pointed back to the shop she’d emerged from, “But I have it now, so that makes it mine.” She said before focusing back on a word Shiloh had said. Help. “Help?” Skylar raised her eyebrows, mouth going wide. “Help! You want to help. Ohhhhhh, no, no thanks. I’ve had enough help.” Skylar spat out the last word with venom, thinking back to Morgan and Erin and Leah in her home, telling her what she should do.

Orion had no clue what was going on with Skylar, but he knew it wasn’t good. She was laughing and smiling, but there wasn’t any of Skylar’s usual kindness in her tone. It all felt manic, almost hysterical. It was far more unsettling than if she had been completely serious holding the knife. Skylar’s question pierced through Rio’s wandering eyes and forced him to focus on her. She didn’t provide much context, but the way she was handling the knife gave him an idea of exactly what she was asking. Shiloh seemed completely set on Skylar, her eyes barely wavering. But Rio couldn’t help but glance worriedly around. From Skylar to Shiloh to the bakery and Nate. This all seemed so wrong. This wasn’t Skylar. Skylar wasn’t dangerous. So why was Rio so nervous about the way she held the knife? “We don’t know what’s going on right now, Skye.” Rio held his palms out in surrender and took a step towards her. He had no idea what to do. But he didn’t want Shiloh ending up hurt if Skylar really was dangerous. “You don’t want help. Um.. okay. What do you want then?”

Shiloh looked over at Rio when he spoke, seeing if Skylar reacted to anything he said. She was so worried for her that she didn’t even realize she should be careful in approaching Skylar. She chose not to think Skylar would hurt her, even in this current state. Besides. What’s a little blood? Or a lot, she realized as she looked closer at Skylar’s bloodied state. Where were her fingernails? Still that wasn’t the center of Shiloh’s attention. There was blood at her side. It had to be coming from her. “Skye, you’re bleeding a lot.” Shiloh couldn’t wait and came closer, entering Skylar’s space and putting a hand to her back to try and usher her back to the car so she can get medical help. Whether she wanted it or not - Shiloh wasn’t going to have her bleed out and die. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Mulling over Rio’s question for a moment, Skylar’s head flopped from side to side as she thought about it. What did she want? What did she want? She had everything she wanted right now-- the pain was gone, the guilt was gone, the anger and the fear had all been washed clean with the medley that ran through her system. But what else did she want? She wanted… To feel like this all the time. And how could she do that? What had been the source of all her problems, the reason why she’d never known what she was? With a growing smile on her face, Skylar straightened, “What do I want?” She stared at Rio intently, her grip tightening around the knife. “I want, I want Hunters to die. I want them to know how much it hurts to be like me, to be alone and lost and scared and hunted. You get it, don’t you? You don’t even like what you are.” She said. Pressure against her back sent Skylar spinning, knife slashing through the air. “No. No, no, no, I’m not going with you. Nope. I told you what I want and I don’t want to go with you.”

Skylar couldn’t have known but that felt like an attack straight to Shiloh’s heart and she had a visceral reaction to that, taking a step back as if she were dealt a physical blow. Or maybe something told her there was a knife swing incoming - either way she moved back just in time. She tried to remind herself that Skylar didn’t know what she was and Skylar couldn’t know what she was. Shiloh had only told one person. One. So then… was she talking about Rio? Shiloh glanced at him, her brows furrowing as she wondered what Skylar was referring to. However, it wasn’t her place to ask and she shouldn’t ask. The point of focus here wasn’t Rio or Shiloh, it was Skylar. They had to get her somewhere safe so they could tend to her wounds. Shiloh took a deep breath to center herself, mildly wishing she hadn’t. She could smell blood and other not pleasant scents. She looked over at Rio. “I’m going to bring the car around okay? You stay here. I’ll be right back.” Shiloh said and ran over to her car. It wouldn’t be the first time it had blood spilled in it but as long as they got Skylar to safety it would be fine. Everything would be fine.

Orion wasn’t sure why Skylar’s words hurt him so badly. Because she was right, he didn’t like what he was. He had hated every aspect of it since before his powers had ever activated. He hated the abilities, the implications, the perception of what being a hunter meant to the supernatural world. And yet, in the last year hadn’t he started to give in to exactly the lifestyle he had spent so long avoiding? The guilt more than anything else was what made Rio shutter and wince when Skylar began swinging the knife around. His shoulders sunk as he considered it, and as he tried hard to ignore the look that Shiloh gave him. Shiloh was going to get the car. That was good. Rio nodded and stayed put with Skylar. He hadn’t been close enough to the knife before, but if she began swinging again would he even try to dodge it? Would he want to? “I’m sorry. I know the hatred, but I’ll never understand the fear. You deserve a lot better. Everyone does.” He didn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t even sure Skylar could listen. “But you’re going to hurt yourself if you don’t give me the knife.”

As Shiloh left, Skylar watched her run away with mild interest. She was leaving again, leaving again, yep. Just like everyone else. Swaying as she returned her focus to Rio, Skylar looked at him inquisitively. “I don’t think you do though. Because it’s not just Hunters, I don’t just hate Hunters, even though they’re the ones who did all of this. They killed my dad, you know. My real one. And my mom too, probably.” She said, her voice conversational and light as she stared at him from behind manic eyes. “I saw my dad. His ribs were exploded from where a shotgun got him and his face looked like someone had slammed his head over and over again with a rock. That’s what Hunters do and I want, I want them all to know that when, when they kill people. They do so much more than that. They ruin people too.” She said, running her free hand over the openly weeping sores on her arms. “They ruined me. Not as much as I ruined me, but they didn’t help.” Skylar said and focused back on Rio. “Oh, I won’t hurt myself,” She said. With a breathy laugh, she smiled and pulled her arm back. “Catch!” Skylar said and hurled the knife at Rio, the blade spinning through the air.

Orion didn’t talk much while Skylar did. What could he even say? His expression shifted from a knowing sadness to wide eyes as Skylar’s story got darker and darker. He hadn’t known about her real dad. That his life had been taken that cruelly. The specifics didn’t surprise him, but it did disgust him. “I don’t know that I-” What could Rio be? Whether he wanted to be or not, he was exactly what Skylar hated so much. He had grown up in a family that had taken lives just as gruesomely. “I know. They ruin lives. And they don’t care about the people they hurt or leave behind in the process.” Some of the hunters that he had befriended in town flashed across his mind. But now didn’t feel like the right time to try to argue the specifics of what made a good or bad hunter. Or if good hunters even existed. Rio had been staring at the ground, too embarrassed and disgusted with himself to meet Skylar’s eyes. A flush of light caught his attention, and his hand snapped up on instinct before his brain had even processed what was happening. A sharp pain shot up Rio’s arm as he realized that the knife had been chucked his way. He had caught the knife midair, the blade trapped between his clenched hand and slicing into his palm.Blood began dripping down his wrist and off the blade and Rio stared at it for too long before he finally unclenched his hand and readjusted to hold the knife by it’s hilt. “I don’t know how to help you. But I want to.”

Skylar watched the way his hand shot up and caught the knife like it was nothing-- he really was a Hunter, a Hunter through and through. Everything he could do made him a killer, just like the man who’d held her at gunpoint by the river, who’d shot her as she’d tried to flee. And now, as she watched him flip the knife around so he was holding it by it’s hilt, Skylar realized that she’d just given him a weapon. Backing away, Skylar shook her head from side to side. “No. I don’t want your help. I know what the help of a Hunter feels like.” She said, remembering the way the bullet had felt as it had seared across her leg, mid-transformation. Without a word, Skylar turned around and ran down the dark street away from Rio. She didn’t want anything he offered, she had everything she wanted. Everything she needed. She didn’t need anyone else.

Shiloh got into her car and didn’t realize her hands were trembling until she tried to put her keys in to start it. Once she turned the engine on, she took a breath, regaining her composure and trying to figure out how they would get Skylar in the car. She wouldn’t come willingly - Shiloh already knew that was going to happen. The last thing she wanted to do was force Skylar to do anything but it was for her own safety… She began driving toward Rio and Skylar. She saw them talk and watched as things unfolded but right as she arrived Skylar took off. “Oh no.” Shiloh said as she watched her disappear in the darkness. What were they going to do now? Chase her in the car? Skylar could jump in front and hurt herself. Call the police? What would they do, honestly? Shiloh exhaled deeply as she just slumped into her seat. Hopefully Rio had an idea.

#p: bae #wickedswriting #tw addiction #tw drug use #tw body horror #tw car accident #//as always if youd like a tw free recap just let me know!#chatzy #p: nate santos #p: orion quinn #p: shiloh kent

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flowerfan2 · 4 years ago

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Pineapple Dreams

McDanno, 3k, A03

Summary: Instead of being away with Catherine, Steve is right here beside him. This may be the best dream Danny has ever had.

Danny comes to slowly, immediately aware that something is wrong. He wishes it didn’t feel so familiar. At some point, he’s really got to stop getting bashed around like this. He’s not getting any younger.

He tries to take a deep breath, but everything feels heavy, and any attempt to move his head results in shooting pain. There are voices nearby but he can’t tell what anyone is saying and each sound lands like a tire iron to his head. Although he tries, he can’t make himself open his eyes. Resigned that he’s going to have to wait, and not having any other options, Danny slips back into unconsciousness.

When he wakes again, the pain has faded to a manageable ache. He holds still, not wanting to make anything worse, and tries to take stock. He can tell he’s in the hospital, but he doesn’t seem to be hooked up to much, and he’s obviously breathing on his own. He gingerly shifts his toes and fingers, and, deciding that nothing too awful seems to have taken place, opens his eyes.

“Danny,” a relieved voice breaths out, and then Steve is leaning forward, his face coming into focus in front of his own. He needs a shave. “You with me, pal?”

Danny can’t manage a response, but any words are tossed right out of him anyway when Steve leans even closer and brushes a kiss across his lips.

“Glad you’re back, Danno,” Steve says softly, holding his gaze. “I missed you.” Then Steve sits up, straightening his shoulders as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened, and turns to respond to the doctor who has come into the room.

What the hell is going on? Danny quickly closes his eyes again and tries to think. He really doesn’t feel injured and all his limbs are still attached. Maybe there’s a life threatening bullet hole somewhere he can’t figure out? Maybe he’s been diagnosed with a fatal disease, or the building’s about to collapse? Terrorists, perhaps?

It’s got to be something dire, because Steve does not kiss him. Sure, he throws an arm over Danny’s shoulder, gives him a socially acceptable bro hug, flashes him those shining smiles, but there has never been any kissing involved. They may be friends, even best friends, but it has never gone further than that, no matter how chummy they are on movie night, not even when there was only one bed in that damn D.C. hotel. Steve’s not interested in him, not that way. If nothing else, Steve leaving the island to find himself right after Danny got shot had made that abundantly clear.

Danny resolves to just play dead (not actually dead, just sleeping, it’s a saying) until he figures this out. He’s a detective, after all, there must be some clues to consider if he can concentrate hard enough. With this decided, Danny forces himself to relax, and hopes Steve buys it.

“Hey, buddy, good idea,” Steve says, apparently in reaction to his feigning sleep. “I’d want to tune out, too, if I had a day like you did. Today sucked, but you’re okay now. You’re on the mend. I’ve got you. Sleep for a while, you’ll feel better.” Danny feels Steve’s hand land gently on his shoulder, and it’s all he can do not to shrug it off. It isn’t like Steve to tease him, not when it matters.

Danny tries to listen when the next doctor comes in to poke at him, but his brain is still foggy and he can’t focus. He thinks he dozes for a while, safe in the darkness. It’s much less confusing there. When he surfaces once more, Steve is still right there next to him.

This is definitely not normal Steve behavior. Sure, in the past when Danny has gotten injured Steve will sit at his bedside until he wakes up, but then Steve’s off and running, tracking down the suspect, saving the island from the scumbag of the week. But Danny’s already woken up once, and doesn’t seem to be at death’s door, yet Steve is still here. It doesn’t make any sense.

It must be a dream, Danny decides. He got knocked out, his brain got scrambled, and now he is caught in a dream, a dream where his painstakingly secret crush has turned out to be not so unrequited as he thought. A dream where his feelings for Steve are returned.

Danny is considering whether he can convince his addled brain to stay in this dream for a while, to bask in the fantasy sunshine of Steve’s love, and maybe get another one or two of those kisses, when his musings are interrupted by a well loved voice.

“Uncle Steve, hi, I came as fast as I could, how is he?”

What is Grace doing here? She’s in college, on the mainland.

“Gracie. He’s fine. Don’t worry.”

Steve’s hand leaves Danny’s shoulder (his hand was still on his shoulder?) and Danny can tell he’s getting up and hugging Grace.

“Is my dad going to be okay?”

“Absolutely.”

“But you said he was drugged.”

“It only lasts a little while, and he’s already waking up. Come on, sit with him a minute. Take my chair. I’ll go grab a coffee.”

Danny is distracted by Grace leaning over him and giving him a gentle hug, and then he realizes he’s alone with her. He shouldn’t feel so hurt by Steve’s departure, Steve was never really here anyway.

“Danno, stop faking. Why won’t you open your eyes?”

Danny can’t help a small laugh. His daughter is too smart for her own good. He looks up at her, drinking in the sight. He may not have Steve, but Grace is as wonderful as ever, although she is looking far too grown up for his tastes. He supposes dreams are weird that way.

“When am I gonna wake up?” he asks, realizing as he does that dream Gracie isn’t likely to know the answer any more accurately than Danny himself does.

Grace smiles and shakes her head. “You’re wide awake now, Danno.”

“Nah, I’m not,” Danny says indulgently. He doesn’t want to argue with dream Grace, but she’s wrong.

“Steve says the drugs will wear off soon. You’re going to be fine.”

Danny closes his eyes again. He loves his monkey like crazy, but he does wish Steve would come back too. They could all be here together in the dream. A dream family. That would be awesome.

“Danno… open your eyes. Talk to me.” Grace can still whine with the best of them, even in his dream. Too bad. “I’ve got to go soon, I can only stay until Steve comes back.”

Danny squints one eye open. “He’s coming back?”

Grace grins at him. “Of course he’s coming back, silly. Where else would he go?”

Okay, that’s not a helpful question. Steve has plenty of other places to go, all of them away from Oahu. Away from Five-0, and his ohana. Away from Danny.

Danny presses his cheek into his pillow and pulls an arm up over his face. He doesn’t like feeling so confused. Grace is keeping something from him, and so is Steve. There has to be a reason for the way everyone is behaving. He just wishes dream Steve would return and keep him company until Danny’s brain clears up and he can return to reality, whatever it might be. He’d be fine with being best friends again, especially if Steve would keep kissing him every so often. It could be their thing, their special best friends/partners/housemates thing.

Danny drifts off, and then Steve is back, bringing the welcome smell of coffee into the room. Grace whispers something about being late for an appointment, and Steve tells her they’ll talk later.

Steve sits down next to Danny, and Danny risks a quick glimpse. Steve is gazing right back at him, a terribly fond look on his face. Danny quickly closes his eyes again. He’s got no fucking clue what’s going on, and it’s making him nervous.

“It’s all right,” Steve says, his coffee breath in Danny’s face. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be right here.” Then there’s an unmistakable brush across Danny’s cheek.

Again, a kiss. A kiss. It doesn’t make any sense, but Danny likes it anyway. Loves it. Is already addicted to it. He can’t help tilting his head towards Steve, and he’s rewarded with a quiet chuckle and another kiss, this time on the lips. He wonders if he can dream this dream forever, because it’s pretty damn good.

“You really should wake up soon,” Steve says, pushing Danny’s hair away from his forehead. “There’s still lots to do. Grace is handling some of the last minute stuff, but she keeps asking me questions, and I know you’ve got opinions, even though you’d think everything would be decided by now. Who knew weddings were so much work?”

Danny sucks in a breath, stricken. If Steve notices he doesn’t say anything, just moves his hand to hold Danny’s as a nurse engages him in small talk about his favorite surf spots.

That’s why Steve is here. Grace is getting married. Danny knows he should be happy for her, but at the same time, this information sends his dream crashing down around him. Steve isn’t here for Danny, he’s here for Grace. That’s why he came back from wherever he danced off with Catherine, trekking the Himalayas or saving endangered pandas. He’s just here for Grace’s wedding, and then he’ll leave again, and Danny will be on his own, pining for what might have been.

But if Grace is getting married, why can’t Danny picture her spouse-to-be? And he’s sure that the last time he talked to Grace, she was single, and confidently declared that she wanted to remain unattached, at least until she decided where to go to grad school. Although, if she’s already thinking about grad school, what’s happened in the meantime? Isn’t Grace just a sophomore?

It occurs to Danny, like a beam through the fog of his mind, that whatever he got drugged with must have affected his memory, because he’s got no idea what led up to his little girl getting married.

Danny��s confusion must show on his face, because Steve has noticed this time (he can be very observant, it’s annoying how easily he can read Danny), and is now clearly worried about him. Danny can’t stand this, can’t stand being so disoriented. Nothing makes sense, and it’s scaring him.

“Danny? You okay?”

Danny squeezes his eyes shut, and a tear slides down his cheek. Well done, he thinks to himself. Now he’ll definitely believe you’re asleep.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Steve wipes the tear away with a fingertip, and Danny squirms. “Really, you’re gonna be okay. Trust me.”

Now there’s a loaded comment. Trust him. Danny does, though, despite Steve leaving after he was shot, despite the fact that Catherine went with him, despite everything. Danny doesn’t remember what day of the week it is, or whether Grace is marrying a boy or a girl, but he knows he trusts Steve. He just wishes someone would tell him why he feels so lost, and why he can’t ever catch a break. He’d almost rather not have had this stupid dream, not when Steve is just going to leave again.

“The drugs will wear off soon, Danny. You got a low dose, just hang in there, it’ll get better. Noelani went over the results from the last victims, and she’s sure of it.”

Danny’s not sure what Noelani has to do with any of this. She can’t keep Steve from leaving.

“Come on, relax. Take some deep breaths for me.” Steve is running his hand over Danny’s hair again, and Danny wants to scream. Deep breaths aren’t going to help this situation.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Danno. Just tell me, let me help.”

Steve’s affectionate tone breaks him, and Danny can no longer control himself. “How soon are you leaving after Grace’s wedding, huh?” he spits out. “Might as well go now. Save me the goodbyes.” He knows he probably isn’t making any sense, but he doesn’t care. He just can’t go through it again, losing Steve. Waiting for his texts as they get more and more infrequent, wondering if things will ever go back to normal.

Steve takes Danny’s face in his hands, and speaks firmly to him. “Danny, open your eyes.”

Danny shakes his head.

“You are a stubborn bastard, aren’t you,” Steve says, and leans down and kisses Danny, right on the lips. It’s a more assertive kiss this time, and Danny feels himself respond, a strangely familiar feeling coursing through him.

Danny can’t help looking at him when Steve pulls back, even as he pants to catch his breath. “Why do you keep kissing me?”

Steve smirks. “Preparation for the wedding.”

“What does that even mean?”

“We’re gonna kiss in front of everyone, and you’re acting like you’re out of practice. So, I’m fixing it.”

“Steve…” Danny looks around the room, hopelessly out of his depth, but no one is there to give him a clue. “I don’t understand.”

Steve’s grinning his just-for-Danny smile, and Danny recognizes it, despite his confusion. “There is going to be a wedding, you were right about that. But Grace isn’t getting married.” Steve shifts and pulls a box out of his pocket and places it in Danny’s hand. “We are.”

Danny stares as Steve opens the box for him, revealing two simple gold rings nestled in the black velvet.

“I picked them up from the jeweler yesterday, just before all hell broke loose. They’re ours, exactly how we wanted. See?” Steve takes a ring out of the box and slips it onto Danny’s finger.

“You’re joking.”

“I am not. This is your wedding ring.”

“I’m dreaming. Not that I mind, actually, but this has to be a dream,” Danny insists, but Steve just smirks at him and puts the other ring onto his own hand, holding it up and smiling at Danny.

“It’s not a dream, pal. Just rest, and try to relax. You’ll remember soon.”

“Remember? What are you talking about?” Danny’s chest feels uncomfortably tight, and he wonders if he is having a panic attack. He’s pretty sure you can have a panic attack in your dreams, he’s had nightmares of every shape and size, why not add panic attacks into the mix? He’s drawn away from this line of thought by the squeak of the hospital chair as Steve shuffles it closer to Danny’s bed.

“I wasn’t supposed to say anything until the drugs wore off, apparently it agitates people to realize that their memory is impaired.” Steve leans in and wraps his arms around Danny. “I didn’t mean to stress you out.” Steve is pressed so close against Danny, he can feel the rise and fall of Steve’s chest against his own.

“Breathe with me,” Steve implores. “Come on. You can do it.”

Danny does, his nose practically touching Steve’s cheek, warm air exchanged between them as Danny matches his exhalations to Steve’s. When the room stops spinning, he pulls his left hand out of Steve’s grasp, and looks at the ring Steve placed on his finger. He slides it off and sees the simple inscription. Danny & Steve -- 10/1/22

“No way.”

Steve catches his gaze, and looks at him steadily. “I wouldn’t kid you about this Danny, not after how long it took us to get our act together. This is real, I promise. Here, wait a sec.” Steve takes out his phone holds it out to Danny. “Our engagement party, back in the spring. You drank three pineapple mai tais.”

“Now I know I’m dreaming,” Danny mutters.

“Come on, check these out.”

Danny looks at the pictures as Steve swipes through them. There are multiple pictures of Steve and Danny with their arms around each other, dressed smartly in slacks and dark button-downs, elaborate leis around their necks. There’s a picture of them kissing while surrounded by their friends and family. There’s a sweet one of Danny’s mom in the middle of a Steve and Danny hug, and a picture of Tani doing a Charlie’s Angels pose with Mary and Bridget. Everyone’s there – their friends and family, ohana from the island and from New Jersey.

Steve swipes to another picture, just the two of them dancing in front of a banner that reads “Congratulations Steve and Danny.” Each of them have a plumeria flower behind their left ear.

It’s still awfully hard to believe.

Steve swipes once again, and this time it’s a silly photo of Danny’s kids making faces behind Steve’s back. This one is easier to accept, although… “Charlie looks so big.”

“Growing like a weed,” Steve confirms. “Grace is going to bring him by later, if you’re still stuck here. But I think I’ll be taking you home soon.”

“Home?”

“Yeah, babe. Home.”

Babe? Isn’t that Danny’s line? “This is a very confusing dream,” Danny says.

“A good one?” Steve asks, his eyes searching Danny’s face.

Danny can’t possibly lie about this. “Are you serious? It’s amazing.” Danny doesn’t know what to think as Steve flat out climbs into the freaking hospital bed and snuggles – snuggles – up against him. Could Steve be telling the truth? Are they getting married? How had Danny possibly pulled that off, luring Steve back to the island, away from Catherine, and back with Danny where he belongs? How had Danny convinced Steve McGarrett to give him his heart? It is both too incredible to believe, and at the same time… Steve asked him to trust him, and he does. God help him, he does.

“Enough worrying for now,” Steve says, snuffling against Danny’s neck. “Sleep for a while. It’ll all come back to you soon. Hopefully in time for the bachelor party. Kamekona’s going to be pissed if we have to cancel.”

Danny lets himself drift off, safe and warm with Steve’s heavy arms wrapped around him. When he wakes a few hours later, his fiancé curled up against him, Danny knows this isn’t a dream. It’s his life, his wonderful, crazy life, and it’s better than any dream he possibly could have imagined.

#mcdanno #Steve McGarrett #Danny Williams #H50 #H50 fic #Hawaii Five-O

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