#however I cannot promise it will not happen again. I am greatly struggling

[anondudeao3]

New Wincest fic! 'Dog Days Of Summer'

Summary: A series of vignettes throughout Sam's adolescence into adulthood. [14,601 words]

Click here to read on AO3!

[thesassenachswiftie]

Chapter 2: “You Need To Calm Down)

Read on AO3

Summary:

Chapter 2 is here! It's time for Claire and Jamie's first fight but that also it's time for their first make-up sex. This is my first time writing Smut but @statell assures me I did a good job. If that's really not your thing (I mean you are reading OL fanfic so it probably is), it's all the big paragraph near the end and the two dialogue paragraphs after you can easily skip to the last 3 dialogue paragraphs without losing the plot. Big thanks to everyone following along on this journey and all the kudos and comments on the last chapter.

This chapter is not only inspired by "You Need to Calm Down" but also by "The Reckoning" any quotes borrowed from either of these works belong to their respective author whom I am indebted to and admire greatly.

Notes:

First of all, I’m on Twitter now @sassenachswifty.

Second of all, There was a short lived comment on AO3 about Jo's pronouns on my last chapter. I genuinely think the commenter realized their mistake and deleted it before I had a chance to respond--which is fine and good, heaven knows I've made mistakes with pronouns and felt weird and caught of guard about them and all of that. Basically they were saying the they/them pronons were not grammatically correct and were distracting to the reader. I get that, I totally do, it feels uncomfortable because we were never taught about the singular they in school and it looks/sounds weird if you're not used to it. However, the sigular they has been recognized by APA, MLA and I believe Chicago style and is, therefore grammatically correct. It's something I'm getting used to as a writer and it's something we can try to get used to as readers as we move forward into a more progressive society. Our grandkids are going to make fun of us someday for struggling with pronouns. I just wanted to say it's ok to struggle, it's not ok to dismiss (which I genuinely believe the commenter was not doing). Jo came to me as a nonbinary character, and while it is a good exercise in pronoun usage for me as an author, that is not their primary function in the story, they are there to be Claire’s friend first and foremost. They/them are Jo's pronouns and I cannot and will not call them anything else because that would be disrespectful to them. My only other option would be to use "Jo" in every instance where he/she/her/him would come up which would be annoying, repetative and frankly, bad writing. Thank you for coming to my TED talk, now on with the show!

Chapter 2: “You Need To Calm Down”

Claire awoke in Jamie’s bed early on Saturday morning.  It was graduation day, but she was definitely not walking the stage.  Still laying on her side, she picked up her phone off the nightstand and began mindlessly scrolling Facebook, stopping at a collection of photos from an end of semester happy hour the night before.  Frank was there as well as several of their mutual friends.  Were they still friends? Probably not anymore, who knows if they ever were.  Claire tapped from the photos posted by Gillian to the tag that took her to Frank’s profile.  She scrolled down his feed to see if there were any new updates. Other than the pictures, it was the same barely cryptic statuses that were clearly throwing shade her way to anyone that knew.  In a tweet? That’s a cop-out. Taking shots at me like it's Patrón, she mused to herself, recalling the pictures from the night before. Claire began swiping through Frank’s photos going back further and further.  Her and Frank in front of the house with the “sold” sign in the yard.  A candid picture she took of Frank in a coffee shop one day.  Brilliant, smiling faces of them and their friends all dressed up at their New Year’s Eve party--many of the people pictured in the photos from last night. Frank proudly standing with his arm around her, Claire beaming and angling her hand just so a few days after they got engaged.  Claire was so engrossed in these images she didn’t realize Jamie had awoken behind her.  He leaned over to plant a kiss on that spot just behind her ear, pausing when he saw what she was looking at, “Damn Sassenach, it’s seven AM for Chrissakes” he hissed.

Claire’s face flushed immediately. She had been caught.  She didn’t even know why she was doing what she was doing, but she felt ashamed, defensive, embarrassed, and justified all at once.  She swiped out of her Facebook app instantly but it was too late.  He had seen and the damage had been done. She couldn’t speak, she didn’t have any good excuses, and she definitely couldn’t turn to look at Jamie. She set the phone back down on the nightstand and burrowed her curly head under the pillow trying to avoid his gaze.  She couldn’t see his face, but she knew Jamie was watching her intently waiting for an explanation.

“Hey, are you ok? I dinna mean to snap at ye Claire, It’s just early and I dinna expect to see ye looking at pictures of your ex after what I thought was such a satisfying night. Am I not good enough for ye Claire?”  His tone started gentle and caring, but his veins were pulsing with jealous rage and his voice got more angry and frantic as he continued.  “Look at me, Claire!”

Claire didn’t like being told what to do, especially not with the newfound feminist energy Jo had ignited in her.  She hoisted herself out from her cocoon, and sprang up to face him. “I don’t have to do what you tell me to. You need, to calm down, you’re being too loud!”

 He made a distinctly Scottish noise--“Hmpph. That’s not what ye said last night Sassenach” he growled.  He couldn’t help flirting with her even in his anger. She looked so bonny, bare-breasted with her curls splayed every which way, the fire of her anger alight in her whisky eyes--frightening and sexy at the same time.

Claire wasn’t amused by his quip, or by the tone of voice in which he said it, “you need to just stop, like can you just not? I don’t like it one bit!”

“Not what, Claire? Not want ye only for myself? Not feel jealous seeing pictures of that rat bastard with his smug grin and his arm around ye to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning? You do belong to me, whether ye like it or not. Why are you mad? I’m the only one allowed to be mad, Claire! Yer mine, damn ye Claire! Mine, and I wilna share ye, with a man or a memory or anything whatsoever”

Her glass face broke before his eyes as he raised his voice louder.  Her anger had turned to something fragile, something Jamie was afraid he would break.  Even still, she spoke softly, but confidently, “I don’t belong to you or anyone, I’m my own person. You need to just take several seats” She glanced away from him, trying to keep her composure.  

Controlling his urge to scream, he replied “I know that, that’s not what I meant.  I ain’t trying to mess with who you are or your self expression, I mean that I am yours just as much as you are mine”

Damn, he’s good, thought Claire as she met his gaze again.  His passion, even when directed towards anger, was still sexy.

“Claire, I see you over there on the internet all the time, this isn’t the first time you’ve done this is it?”

She nodded in agreement, embarrassed, but somehow she felt safe admitting it to Jamie.  She was beginning to realize just how much he truly cared about her.  As strange as it seemed, through this small fight, their relationship was moving from simply mutual, passionate attraction to something deeper.  It might have been there all along beyond the urges of the flesh, but she was just now truly seeing it.  It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

“Listen, I’ve learned a lesson that stressing and obsessing about somebody else is no fun.” Jamie disclosed, trying to restore the peace. “He’s not worth your time if he let a girl like you go on the drop of a hat like that.” This made Claire wince internally, hoping he didn’t see, there was more to it than that.  He didn’t seem to notice and continued, “What we have is like sunshine, but you act like you would rather be in the dark.”  He reached for her arm, caressing it gently.

“You’ve figured me out.  You’re right, I don’t know why I keep checking on him. I guess I’m hoping I’ll find out something horrible has happened to him; but I promise, only you have me.”

“I mean to have you Claire, I am your master and you are mine. It seems I cannot possess your soul without losing my own.”  Both of Jamie’s hands were on Claire’s arms now, gripping her more firmly now. They were drawing closer to each other, the passion of their anger still surging in their veins. “I want you Claire, I want you so much I can scarcely breathe. Will you have me?”

“Yes.”

Their lips met with a fervour unlike any they had experienced before, hands caressing everywhere. Claire moaned into Jamie’s mouth as his hand cupped her breast, stroking her nipple vigorously with his palm.  His lips moved to her neck, that spot behind her ear that made her giggle and squeak.  He was ravenous, consuming her flesh with his lips, making his way down to her other breast, sucking her nipple as he ran his tongue around it, willing all sorts of noises to emit from her mouth.  She was straddling him, grinding against him, feeling his wanting against her in just the right spot. She thrust her hands into his boxer briefs, tugging at his hips to bring them even closer.  He responded in kind, slipping his hands into the lace waistband her cotton panties and grabbing that arse he loved so much.  He moved one hand around to her front and started stroking her most sensitive area and slipped a finger inside her.  “Oh, Jamie” she moaned as she began to ease his waistband down.  She allowed herself to let him go for a moment, releasing him to remove his underwear, as she did the same.  As soon as they were fully exposed to one another, she was on top of him again.  She moved herself up and down his length, feeling him rub against her, igniting a euphoric sensation in her core. When neither of them could take it anymore he slipped inside her, and she took him in to the hilt, riding him almost violently.  All the anger and shame she had felt moments ago had transformed into a primal lust unleashed on him. He responded in kind, kissing her vigorously across breasts, neck and shoulders until she shoved him back on the bed to gain a better angle.  Pushing her hand to his chest for leverage, she rode him harder than she’d ever ridden anyone before--not even the vibrator she used to experiment with in college. She could see he was close, his face contorting as he resisted the urge to finish before her.

“Sassenach, you’ll be the death of me” he groaned.

“Just a little more, Jamie” she panted, just before crying out, “Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh”. Seeing her satisfied, he allowed himself to finish as well.  Claire gently detached from him and collapsed beside him, breathless, resting on his chest, hair sprawled across him.

“Oh Sassenach, ye keep that up and I’m liable to pick fights with you more often” he sighed.

“You better watch out before you start something you can’t finish” she quipped in response.  

Jamie simply made a Scottish noise in reply, staring at the ceiling stroking her hair, wondering if he had, in fact, done just that.

End Note:

I try to slip in as many lyrics from each song as possible and make it still "work", occasionally changing tenses or adding/subtracting words to make them work. Claire's orgasm moans are the "oh oh's" in the chorus of YNTCD and I'm simultaneously proud of myself and ashamed.

[foxydivaxx]

The Robins Chapter 1

Ok now I remembered that I promised to post this on here. Anyways, onto the story. I have once again edited stuff. Now what would this remind you guys of? Also FYI: This is not a Robin bashing story. It is an AU story where the boys were once a band and disbanded because of drama. I am saying this because of a certain someone on here.

Once upon a time, there used to be a band that shone so bright that not only were they the envy of millions, they also paved the way for other younger stars to follow though their light still shone the brightest. They were known as the Robins. The group’s journey began when a sextet of brothers from Gotham city auditioned for famous music mogul Oswald Cobblepot.

Legend has it that Cobblepot who was a friend to Grayson’s father Bruce Wayne visited Wayne Manor one day and overheard Grayson and his five younger adoptive brothers singing from upstairs. Impressed, he signed them up on the spot.

The boys were the first group to debut under what was known as Project Titans, a project to create highly successful idols and they were tasked to sell at least 100,000 copies of their first single. They not only sold up to said amount, they broke the record by selling times five of the amount.

Thanks to the hardwork of these boys, the idol phenomenon was born and soon paved the way for other Titans to follow.

They broke every record known to man, sold albums and sold out shows and won every single award. They were living the dream life many wish they had. But sadly that dream came to a crashing halt after a series of setbacks and tragedies and internal struggles. The final nail on the coffin came about on when on 6th July 2010, Terry McGinnis, the youngest member of the band released the folowing statement via his Instagram page:

   The world came to a standstill once they saw this. Millions of hearts were broken worldwide and many more were outraged, demanding answers to this situation. The thing that even shocked others was the fact that it was Terry that made the announcement and not Dick their leader but then again, considering the fact that said boy went under the radar as of late and that the others started promoting without him recently and even threw not so nice jabs at their brother who chose to remain silent, one shouldn’t be surprised. 

Rumours have been swirling about some drama within the group for years though the boys have each denied it. But now, it seems more and more obvious that the boys had been slowly drifting apart.

In fact many suspected that Dick may have either been kicked out of the group or chose to walk out due to a public argument between Dick and Jason that the paparazzi caught on camera last year. The other members soon followed with statements of their own on various social media outlets, all except Dick of course.

But their responses, whilst confirmation of the news came across as a bit well...subpar as one would expect them to all individually address the fans. But considering the fact that Tim was on set for his latest movie the night of the announcement, Damian was with a relative in Morocco and Jason had been having health issues, many fans gave them the slide. In fact one could argue that it was the current management which is presently not run by Cobblepot who had since resigned as CEO of the label around the time of the Barbies and Bad Boys Club’s departure that posted on their behalf.

   Many remembered Leviathan’s statement on Dick’s  status and soon fans, various media outlets soon turned into detectives and began to dig into the surface to figure out what was going on. 

Someone under the username wingxx1 who is actually Alfred Pennyworth, the Wayne family butler in disguise posted on a Robins fan forum about Dick’s situation. 

Guys I am someone that knows the Robins very well and I was as concerned as you guys were about Dick so I spoke to Dick, the other Robins and other related parties and discovered that there was a terrible argument with all the Robins over Dick outselling his brothers during their special solo album project and thus got more promotion than the others and released two more albums. Ironically the other Robins also released some solo albums of their own too. As a result, the remaining Robins chose to kick Dick off the Team and have since been continuing without him. I was angered by this and felt that it was appropriate to share this news with all of you.

Almost immediately, this causes an uproar all over social media. Fans went to the other Robins accounts and began to bombard and throw hate at them.  Soon the hashtag #JusticeForDick and #RobinsOverParty start trending as a result.

The other Robins watch the fallout in shock. “Wow...” says Jason. “Told you guys didn’t I? Getting rid of Dick would do us no favours. Sure he overshadows us but what’s a band without the very face that made it famous in the first place!!” says Terry.

“Yeah but we cannot take it back now.“ says Damian with a sigh. “I am sure they will get over it.” says Terry.

“I highly doubt it.” The boys all froze in their tracks as a certain someone makes his presence known. 

“B-Bruce?” says Jason whilst the others gulped. If there was someone that was greatly unhappy on the way things turned out, it would be Bruce and for good reason. Afterall he is their dad. 

“I hope your kids are happy with the mess you have created because there is absolutely no way you guys would be able to recover from this. Besides, I have decided not to interfere in your business anymore after you sent me that scathing letter telling me not to get involved in your lives and basically firing me as your manager simply because I actually told you guys the truth about your terrible actions. Anyway, I do not have anything left to say to you boys other than to wish you luck on your future endeavors.” The future endeavors part came out in a very bitter yet sarcastic way. It is with that that Bruce left the house, leaving his sons stunned. 

Meanwhile, Barbara Gordon was observing the drama online with glee. “Finally those Robins are getting their just desserts.” She then gets up and smirks. “And poor little Dickie is in hiding.” Everyone knows about her and Dick’s breakup now. However most people do not know how said breakup happened. Might as well let the cat out of the bag.

So what do you all think? I am not satisfied with how this turned out tbh. The next chapter which will kick start the story proper takes place in five years later. As for how old the boys are here: Dick is 18, Jason 17, Tim 16, Damian 15 and Terry 14. Now I made a mistake with the previous social media posts so I will change the dates and reupload them again.

[sharpnothashtag]

Chapter 41, The Good Ship CrushWay

If you’re keeping track at home (as I’m sure none of you are) this is the beginning of season three!  This began as an idea back in the summer of 2018, when I read all of my friend’s CrushWay fanfic (a considerable amount) in one day. (https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieD?fbclid=IwAR3H_Q6kcXZThegwEHFBsggHvRXzjNORwNCBTAWq-Fmzmxp5yD1XXrCdO70)  I thought to myself: “What if I took that ship and MADE IT MY OWN?!”  Out of that was birthed whatever this has become.  It has been a great source of solace and silliness in 2020, which could have used more of both of those things. As a general PSA, I should probably state here what I’ve said multiple times in conversation about this fic: I do not claim that this fic is actually any good.  It is, however, a ship-ton of fun! (Author’s note: I’m ret-coning something from the very very first episode.  It is the year 2375.  The first episode occurs in 2373.) With that being said, let’s start off season three the way it should be started: with a Data episode!

Data is practicing violin in his quarters.  His doorbell rings.

Data: (putting down his violin) Enter. Bev: (entering, clearly excited) I got it! Data: (mirroring her excitement) May I see it? (Bev nods excitedly.  She pulls out a golden band with a single emerald in the center.) Was it altered?  Other than it being sized, of course. Bev: It was my idea to include her birthstone, but her father’s ring was just the perfect idea.  I am a bit jealous that I didn’t think of that before Gretchen mentioned it. Data: Kathryn will love it.  Beverly, may I pose a semi-rhetorical question to you? (Bev giggles a little and nods.) Who would have thought that you would be marrying again--and for that matter, marrying someone younger than you? Bev: (feigning insult) You don’t have to rub it in.  (small smile to show that she’s kidding) Just because Kate is 39 and I’m...(she can’t bring herself to say it)  Data: 51 years, two months-- Bev: Yes.  Somehow I always forget that you do that.  Now...is everything prepared? Data: Yes, Beverly.  The crew is to report to the Promenade at 2100 hours to celebrate.  Worf and DeAnna are making a trip for this occasion.   Bev: He’s been baking, hasn’t he? Data: Yes.  He seems quite pleased with his efforts.  DeAnna is, of course, supplying a chocolate bar of sorts. Bev: Wesley said he’s bringing his dom-jot board. (Data moves his head in a very Data way.) What is it? Data: I made a connection I had not made before.  Wesley is twenty seven now, correct? Bev: (blinking, realizing Wesley is older than she was when she had him) Yes.  Well, 26.  His birthday is next week, though. Data: And he is coming in on the Rogelio with the graduates of Counselor Troi’s program? Bev: Yes, the academy is hosting the graduation.  Wesley has been catching up with Boothby for a few days, so he decided to go to the graduation to support Patrick and then come back here for the party.  What is the connection? Data: You know about Kathryn’s new post, correct? Bev: Of course I do; it’s OUR new post--all three of us.  (impatiently) What connection did you make, Data? Data: One of our newest academy graduates is coming to be a part of the crew.  Their name is Daneel Akares. Bev: Hmm, strong Bajoran name.  Why him, though? Data: Them, Beverly. Bev: Sorry, them.  Why did you make the connection from them to Wesley? Data: They have the same January 11th birthday.  And they bear a striking resemblance to Wesley. Bev: ...is that all? Data: No.  There is one more curious similarity. Bev: Which is? Data: When Daneel was 13, they ran away to go undercover to the Cardassians in disguise.   Bev: (horrified) They’re a  Zoma Devo’tá? Data: (gently) They were.  Daneel did some damage, escaped, and returned to their parents.  Together, they fled to an underground shelter, built ages before the occupation.  While they were there, the story goes that Daneel built an undetectable communications system, where they could intercept messages from the Cardassian military and alter them to redirect troops away from Bajoran forces.  They became an exceptional strategist--unparalleled in tactical skills.  From there, the story turns to legend. Bev: Legend?  Do tell. Data: The Traveler appeared. Bev: The Traveler?  There’s a name I haven’t heard in ages. Data: One day, there was a bit of a cave-in.  Daneel had managed to fit a few families into their shelter, and the militia had been leaving food at an undisclosed location.  Each night, one person would sneak out of the shelter, retrieve the food, and bring it back.  It was Daneel’s turn.  When Daneel was almost to the food, the Traveler appeared.   Bev: What did the Traveler say? Data: The Traveler said he was looking for you. Bev: Wait.  Me?  Me, Beverly Crusher? Data: Yes. Bev: Why me? Data: The Traveler noticed you were caught in that warp bubble Wesley created, and he was looking for you to try to get you out.  Daneel was greatly frightened. Bev: Did their emotions activate the sequence? Data: Yes.  This is frightened them even more.  The Traveler realized he had frightened Daneel and reached out to touch them.  Something in his touch diffused the bomb. Bev: What happened then?  Why did The Traveler appear there--Starbase 133 isn’t close to Bajor at all. Data: As no one completely understands The Traveler’s ways, I am unsure.  As for the next part of the story, Daneel is the only living Zoma Devo’tá.  Maybe when they get here, you can ask them.  They are the Chief Tactical Officer. Bev: That’s a big position for a recent academy graduate. Data: As I said, they are unparalleled in their tactical strategies.  They are said to be unorthodox.  When dealing with the Borg, that is sure to be an invaluable trait. Bev: Well, it sounds as if our newest crew member is sure to be a wonderful addition to the team.  I’ll see you later, Data--I should really go prepare to propose now (smiling broadly). Data: I will see you on the Promenade this evening!  The best of luck to you, Beverly.

Beverly grins, nods, and exits.  Data exits and reenters the room with an easel, one featuring an almost finished impressionist rendering of Bev and KJ holding hands and walking in the snow into the Northern Lights..

Data: First Officer’s Personal Log, Stardate 37044.763.  Today, two of my friends are getting engaged.  I have spent several months challenging myself to paint in an impressionist style, and Kathryn encouraged me to paint the Northern Lights.  As their wedding gift, I am playing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” on the violin and then unveiling this painting. I am looking forward to getting together with this crew tomorrow morning for our first briefing on the new assignment.  While not a crew of traditional taste, the people promise to pose an interesting dynamic for my first real venture into command.  Serving under Kathryn Janeway with me are several returning crew members from the Enterprise and a few from Voyager as well: Communications Officer Seven of Nine, Security Chief Tasha Yar, Chief Engineers Miles O’Brien and B’Elanna Torres, Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher, Ensign Tom Paris on the helm, and Ensign Ro Laren at the conn.  While we are unsure of our need for one, we also have a ship’s counselor on this voyage: Patrick TusNua.  His new last name is Gaelic for “New Beginning.”  I cannot think of a more fitting way to begin his journey.

Data finishes his last brush stroke and hangs the painting on the highest point in his room.  He eyes Spot, who is licking his paws.

Data: (picking up Spot) This is up.  Up is no.  (Spot struggles, so Data lets him go.)  Bev: Dr. Crusher to Data. Data: Proceed, Doctor. Bev: Data, could you come to my quarters right away?  I need your help with something. Data: On my way, Doctor. Bev: Data? Data: Yes? Bev: Would you bring your violin? Data: Of course.  Data out.

Bev and KJ’s quarters.  Bev is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm herself down.  Data enters.

Data: Doctor, would you like me to help you up? Bev: No, Data.  Would you come sit with me? (Data sits down, laying his violin at his side.  Bev takes a deep breath.) What if she says no? Data: (confusion) Kathryn loves you.   Bev: Yes, but what if she doesn’t want to be with me in that way?  She’s going to be the Captain, after all.  She shouldn’t be compromised by her feelings toward her crew, especially if one is her wife. Data: Most species are compromised by feelings toward their loved ones.  Humans especially, in my experience.  Also, I believe she understands the risks she would be taking.  If she did not understand that risk, she would not have accepted the command. Bev: What if I’m too old for her? Data: (moving his head in a Data way) She has made absolutely no remarks to me about your age, and you have not told me of her mentioning your age at any point in your relationship. Bev: I know she hasn’t mentioned it, but it’s 12 years.  That’s significant. Data: It is only significant if you require it to be.  Beverly, Kathryn loves you for who you are: age, Wesley, depression, dead husband, and all.  I do not know if she will say yes, but it is highly probable that she will respond in the affirmative based on her past behavior patterns.  Now, why did you ask me to bring my violin?

Bev has laid out a trail of rose petals to the bedroom, where she is sitting in the center of a heart made of fresh-cut roses with the ring next to her.  Data is standing in the corner, tuning his violin.  KJ is walking down the hall and sees a padd on the ground outside the door to her quarters.  It says, “Ring the doorbell first.”  She shrugs and rings the doorbell. A few seconds later, the door opens to Data’s playing, accompanied by the computer’s piano, trombone, and saxophone trio: “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley.  KJ follows the trail of rose petals to Bev.  She kneels down with her.

Bev: Kate, I’ve tried to plan out this speech.  I’ve tried to quantify in words how much I love you.  I’ve tried to make this some inspiring, sweeping declaration and it never comes out the way I want it to.  But, I’m 51 years old, and I am lucky enough to have found a woman better than my wildest dreams.  We...fit.  And I don’t want to spend another day of my life without you by my side.  (pulling out the ring) Your mom gave me your father’s ring and her blessing.  I had it sized for your (teasing) tiny fingers, and I put your birthstone in it. KJ: (wiping a tear away) It’s perfect. Bev: Will you marry me, Kathryn O’Dell Janeway? KJ: (nodding, putting the ring on) Yes, of course I will. (Kiss) Thank you, Data. Data: You are welcome.  I will leave now to allow for you to have time alone.  Congratulations.

The Promenade: Miles, Molly, and Keiko, DeAnna, Alexander, and Worf, Tom and B’Elanna, Tasha, Ro, GJ, Wesley, Patrick, Seven, and Data are waiting impatiently.

Miles: Data, when are we starting, again? Data: 2100 hours, Chief.  We have two minutes. Miles: Shouldn’t we be hiding, then? Ro: Don’t be an idiot, Miles.  It isn’t like she doesn’t know it’s coming. GJ: As her mother, I honestly don’t think she does. Tasha: I agree.  She knows most of us are on board, but in her mind, we’re here to be briefed on our mission and to disembark next week. Miles: If we’re going to hide, we need to do it now. Ro: I’m not hiding. Alexander: Come on, Ro.  Please? Ro: It’s something one would do for a child! Alexander: So, do it for me? Ro: (taking a second to ponder.  Since she has a soft spot for Alexander) Okay.  Let’s hide!

A fair amount of commotion as they all try to hide behind various furniture.  Since it’s the Promenade, there’s not much to hide behind.  Worf comically stands directly behind a fichus that does not remotely hide him.  As Ro and Alexander crouch down behind the jumja stick cart, they run into Tasha, who has curled up inside the cart and looks extremely uncomfortable.  Wesley crouches behind a chair, and Seven lays down flat behind a very long ottoman.  A door opens, and Bev and KJ are holding hands, KJ clearly not expecting the lights to be off. 

KJ:...The hell? Computer, lights! Everyone: Surprise! 

Tasha tries to pop out of the jumja stick cart and ends up tipping it over in the process.  It lands with a big crash. Worf knocks over the fichus, and dirt flies everywhere.  Seven sits up suddenly, and she knocks her head on the edge of the ottoman.  KJ laughs a bit too hard at all the ridiculousness, and Bev runs to Tasha to make sure she’s ok.  Since Wesley is closest to Seven, he springs up to help her.  GJ, also laughing far too hard, goes over to her daughter.

GJ: Congratulations, Katie.  Your friends/crew love you so much that they decided to injure themselves in an attempt to surprise you. KJ: I’d have it no other way.

Tasha is ok, but definitely has a concussion.  She and Seven go to Sick Bay for a quick healing and then return to the party.

[frmartinshomiliesandreflections]

3rd September >> Fr. Martin’s Gospel Reflections / Homilies on Luke 5:1-11 for Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time: ‘Put out into deep water’.

Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

Gospel (Europe, Africa, New Zealand, Australia & Canada)

Luke 5:1-11

They left everything and followed him

Jesus was standing one day by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the crowd pressing round him listening to the word of God, when he caught sight of two boats close to the bank. The fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats – it was Simon’s – and asked him to put out a little from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat.

When he had finished speaking he said to Simon, ‘Put out into deep water and pay out your nets for a catch.’ ‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all night long and caught nothing, but if you say so, I will pay out the nets.’ And when they had done this they netted such a huge number of fish that their nets began to tear, so they signalled to their companions in the other boat to come and help them; when these came, they filled the two boats to sinking point.

When Simon Peter saw this he fell at the knees of Jesus saying, ‘Leave me, Lord; I am a sinful man.’ For he and all his companions were completely overcome by the catch they had made; so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were Simon’s partners. But Jesus said to Simon, ‘Do not be afraid; from now on it is men you will catch.’ Then, bringing their boats back to land, they left everything and followed him.

Gospel (USA)

Luke 5:1-11

They left everything and followed Jesus.

While the crowd was pressing in on Jesus and listening to the word of God, he was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret. He saw two boats there alongside the lake; the fishermen had disembarked and were washing their nets. Getting into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, he asked him to put out a short distance from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. After he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water and lower your nets for a catch.” Simon said in reply, “Master, we have worked hard all night and have caught nothing, but at your command I will lower the nets.” When they had done this, they caught a great number of fish and their nets were tearing. They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come to help them. They came and filled both boats so that the boats were in danger of sinking. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at the knees of Jesus and said, “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.” For astonishment at the catch of fish they had made seized him and all those with him, and likewise James and John, the sons of Zebedee, who were partners of Simon. Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.” When they brought their boats to the shore, they left everything and followed him.

Reflections (7)

(i) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

In today’s gospel reading, Simon and his companions had worked hard all night fishing but had caught nothing. It is often the way that our hard work can appear to bear very little fruit. Then, Jesus called on them to set out into the deep again, at the least promising time for catching fish. Peter set out in response to Jesus’ word and, amazingly, without doing much work at all, he and his companions caught an astounding catch of fish, so much so that their nets began to tear. Their hard work bore no fruit, and, now, Jesus seems to have gifted them this extraordinary catch. For Simon Peter, this was pure gift, an experience of the Lord’s abundant generosity. Sometimes, the Lord can grace us in similar ways. We work hard and nothing happens, and, then, without our doing much we are abundantly graced. It was this experience of the Lord’s abundant love and generosity that brought home to Simon Peter his own unworthiness to be in the Lord’s presence, ‘Leave me, Lord, for I am a sinful man’. The more we come to experience the Lord’s love for us, the more we realize how small our response to that love is. Peter experienced himself at that moment by the shore of the Sea of Galilee as a loved sinner, and that is what we all are. Pope Francis often speaks of himself as a loved sinner. Yet, in spite of Peter’s sense of his unworthiness before Jesus and his desire to put space between Jesus and himself, Jesus had important work for Peter to do, ‘from now on it is people you will catch’. The Lord wants to work through each of us, imperfect as we are. Even though we may be tainted by sin, the Lord can work powerfully through us, if, like Simon Peter, we set out in response to his word.

And/Or

(ii) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

Sometimes we can have a strong sense of our own unworthiness when we are in the presence of the Lord. Several characters in the gospels express this sense of unworthiness before Jesus. John the Baptist expressed his unworthiness to baptize Jesus; the Roman centurion expressed his unworthiness to have Jesus come to his home. In this morning’s gospel reading, Simon Peter expresses his unworthiness just to be in the presence of Jesus. Each of these characters felt that the gap between themselves and Jesus was so great that they simply weren’t worthy to have him draw close to them. Yet, on each occasion, Jesus brushed aside the objection. He insisted on John baptizing him; he insisted on going to the home of the Roman centurion; he insists to Simon Peter that he will not be departing from him. On the contrary, Simon Peter was called by Jesus to share intimately in his work of catching people, gathering people into God’s kingdom. The Lord does not want our sense of unworthiness to become a block between himself and us. Yes, we are unworthy, but the Lord does not ask us to be worthy. Rather, he asks us to be willing, to be responsive to his will for our lives. His purpose for our lives is always so much more generous than the plans or purposes we might have for ourselves. Like Simon Peter in the gospel reading, we can discover that at the very moment when we are most aware of our unworthiness, the Lord is looking ahead to the person we can become and to the role we can play in his work in the world.

 And/Or

(iii) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

Today’s gospel reading suggests that Peter heard the call of Jesus in the midst of his daily occupations, as he went about his work as a fisherman. Jesus seems to enter into Peter’s experience of being a fisherman, even offering advice on where to cast the net after Peter and his companions had laboured to no avail all night. Fisherman would not usually appreciate advice on how to fish from the son of a carpenter. Yet, in the gospel reading Peter does what Jesus suggested; he had perhaps come to appreciate that the word of this man from Nazareth had a power and authority that was special. Peter’s saying ‘yes’ to that particular call of Jesus was the prelude to his saying ‘yes’ to the bigger call of Jesus that was to follow, ‘from now on it is people you will catch’. We all hear the Lord’s call in the context of our day to day lives. The Lords calls out to us in and through the ordinary, daily tasks and occupations of our lives. Peter heard the Lord’s call in the context of failure, professional failure in his inability to catch fish, and personal failure as he became aware of himself as a sinner in the Lord’s presence. Peter’s failure was not an obstacle to the Lord calling him. It is the same for each one of us. The Lord does not wait for us to be perfect before calling us to become his follower or to share in his work. He looks to us to have something of the qualities of Peter, the humility to acknowledge our need of the Lord and his forgiveness, and a generous heart and willing spirit.

 And/Or

(iv) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

In today’s gospel reading, having experienced the Lord’s generosity in the extra-ordinary catch of fish, Peter becomes suddenly aware of his own weakness and unworthiness. He becomes aware that he does not deserve such generosity from Jesus. He went on to make the discovery that the Lord loved him and have a generous purpose for his life in spite of his weakness and unworthiness. From now on he would gather people into the nets of God’s kingdom. The Lord’s generosity with us is not dependant on our worthiness. The Lord does not wait for us to be worthy to bestow his graces on us or to call us to a share in his life-giving work in the world. Indeed, it is the insight into our unworthiness which creates an opening for the Lord to work through us. The Lord cannot really engage us in his service if we think of ourselves as complete. As Paul says in the first reading this morning, ‘if any one of you thinks of himself as wise, in the ordinary sense of the word, then he must learn to be a fool before he really can be wise’.

 And/Or

(v) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

It is said of Peter and his companions in today’s gospel reading that ‘they were completely overcome by the catch they had made’. They had worked hard all night long and caught nothing; then with very little effort at all, in response to the Lord’s word, they caught a huge number of fish. When we are unexpectedly graced, we too can be overcome. It can happen in life that, in the midst of our toil and struggles which can take so much out of us and that seem to bear very little fruit, we are suddenly greatly blessed and graced. Some gift comes our way when we are least expecting it, when we are at our lowest. Out of nowhere, a light shines in the darkness. Like Peter in the gospel we are touched by the Lord’s presence and we feel overcome. Peter was overcome by a sense of his own unworthiness, a sense of himself as a sinner, and he wanted to put space between the Lord and himself. However, Jesus would have none of it. The Lord comes to us as we are; he does not ask us to reach a certain standard first. He graces us in our weakness. In doing so, he also calls us, as he called Peter, to share in his work in the world.

 And/Or

(vi) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

Most of us will have tasted the experience of failure in one shape or form. We may have failed to live up to the values and the goals that we had set ourselves; some enterprise or some initiative that we had invested in may have come to nothing; some relationship that was important to us may have slipped away from us. All such experiences can leave us feeling disheartened. Such an experience of failure is to be found in this morning’s gospel reading. We can hear the note of failure in the words of Peter to Jesus, ‘we worked hard all night long and caught nothing’, and in his later words to Jesus, ‘leave me, Lord; I am a sinful man’. Yet, the gospel reading proclaims loudly that failure does not need to have the last word, because the Lord is stronger than our failures and can work powerfully through them. The Lord transformed the fruitless night’s labour of the disciples into an abundant catch of fish, and he insisted that the sinful Peter would share in his own work of drawing people into the nets of God’s kingdom. The Lord is constantly at work in all kinds of seemingly unpromising situations, drawing new life out of loss and failure. Yet, for this to happen, the Lord needs us not to give in to discouragement. He needs us to keeping putting out into deep water in response to his faithful word.

 And/Or

(vii) Thursday, Twenty Second Week in Ordinary Time

The words of Simon Peter in today’s gospel reading, ‘We worked hard all night long and caught nothing’, would find an echo in many people’s hearts. We can all have the experience of investing a lot of time and energy in something or someone and discovering that there can can be very little to show for all our investment. We live in a very result orientated world. Targets and outcomes are all important and if they are not reached then we can be judged a failure by others. The gospel reading today suggests that the Lord does not relate to us on that basis. The Lord spoke a word into Simon Peter’s situation of failure, ‘Put out into deep water and pay out your nets for a catch’. The Lord saw life in abundance in the deep where Simon and others had only experienced absence. When Simon and his companions responded to the Lord’s word, the night of failure gave way to the day of abundance. The Lord’s way of seeing is always more hopeful than ours. The Lord’s word is always directing us to the presence of new life in places we have come to experience as having little to offer. After the abundant catch of fish, Simon Peter came to see himself as having little to offer, ‘Leave me, Lord; I am a sinful man’. Yet, Jesus saw him with the same hopeful eyes as he had seen the Sea of Galilee, ‘Do not be afraid, from now on it is people you will catch’. The Lord invites us to see as he sees, to see our situation, to see ourselves and others with his hopeful, expectant and generous eyes.

Fr. Martin Hogan.

[troybeecham]

Fr. Troy Beecham

Sermon, Proper 16 A, 2020

Matthew 16:13-20

“When Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Then he sternly ordered the disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah. “

In this morning’s Gospel reading, Jesus continues his ministry in Gentile territory. As we saw in last Sunday’s Gospel reading, Jesus extended his ministry beyond the Jewish people, and beyond Jewish ideas of who was loved by God and was acceptable as a companion (literally, one with whom you share bread). Jesus was willing to face rejection from his own people in order to teach them, and to teach the Gentiles, that the love of God is not constrained by our ethnic, socio-economic, linguistic filters, or any other filter that we might use to decide who God loves. Jesus later summarizes this by saying, “Do not judge others, for the measure that you use will be used against you”, referring to the Day of Judgment, when God, the only true judge, will call each of us before his throne to account for our lives. St. Paul extends the idea later by saying that we should not even judge ourselves, because our systems of judgment are all irreparably flawed, mostly by self-interest.

This does not translate into a loose interpretation of Jesus saying that all beliefs and behaviors are “ok” with God simply because God loves us where we are when we find him. The opposite is true; Jesus always said to a sinner who had either been rescued by him or who became his disciple “Go and sin no more”. Conversion of life is not a requirement of salvation. Not at all. Salvation is the free gift of God to all who place their trust in him. Conversion of life is, however, the sure sign that we have indeed become vessels of the Holy Spirit of God, who produces in us the “fruits of repentance”, which are love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The teaching of Jesus that God loved all people was difficult for the Jewish religious leaders of the day, and for most Jewish folks, including his disciples, who were only interested in the salvation of the Jewish people. That Jesus regularly required his disciples to travel with him outside of Jewish territory and to become companions of unclean Gentiles was a tremendous strain upon their fidelity to him, even as much as they were in awe of him and the power of God at work in him. But Jesus is unrelenting in his requirement that all who would be his disciples must grow to love as greatly as he loves, and so in this Gospel reading, Jesus takes his disciples to a true ‘den of iniquity’, to the pagan Roman city of Caesarea Philippi.

Caesarea Philippi was a regional Roman trading hub, located along major trade routes that connected sea trade from Caesarea Maritima to the inland cities across the region. One of the distinguishing physical features of the city was a massive grotto and cave system, which every ancient culture considered to be the gateway to the underworld, literally called the Gates of Hades (Hell). In earlier eras, when that region was occupied by the Canaanites and the Syro-Phoenicians, there was a shrine dedicated to Baal, a deity who demanded human sacrifice, especially the ritual murder of infants and children. After the conquest of Alexander the Great, the shrine was rededicated to the Greco-Roman fertility deity Pan (literally, ‘the one who is all’). The religion of Pan was primarily a religion of fertility, a religion that exalted sex, power, and wealth, and that included ritual orgies as worship of the deity. For faithful Jews, the association of the Gates of Hell with pagan, Gentile religion was an easy one.

In much the same way, it is easy for any of us to judge other peoples as being unclean, unworthy of God’s love, and worthy of destruction. Every people, every nation, every political party, every religion thrives, on some level, on the judgment of others ‘not like us’ and ‘dangerous to our way of life’. Human history is replete with examples of human wickedness perpetrated ‘for the good’ because of our human systems judgment. It is for this reason that Jesus is so clear that we must not judge each other because only God can judge. And the Day of Judgment is still on its way.

The entire history of the Jewish people as recorded in the Old Testament is the story of the faithfulness of God and of the Jewish people struggling to live as the covenant people of God, living according to the Torah rather than falling into living according to the beliefs and practices of the Gentile nations around them. The Prophets declared that the conquest of Israel and Judea some 600 years before the time of Jesus was because the Jewish people had repeatedly turned away from God to the worship of pagan deities and living lives that did not give witness to the covenant of God. The fact that Rome had conquered the Jews again brought up for them painful memories and even more painful questions about why had God seemed to abandoned them, again, and what would it take from them for God to save them from their oppressors. The summation of those questions had crystalized into expectations for the coming of the Messiah, the divinely anointed king and military leader who would drive out their enemies, restore their people’s freedom, and leave them unencumbered in their worship of God. As people living under occupation, it had become intensely important that the Jewish people lived visibly different lives from the Gentiles. Faithfulness to the Law and the Prophets had taken on an urgent intensity for the Jewish people.

With such an urgent, intense desire for redemption, the most important question for Jews during the time of Jesus was how to identify the Messiah. Jesus had recently warned his disciples about religious leaders who can foretell the weather but “cannot interpret the signs of the times”, and how they influence others with their flawed systems of judgment, leading them astray. This is the pressure cooker context of Jesus asking his disciples who the people, and who they, said he was. The Greek text shows that when Jesus asks the disciples, "Who do you say that I am?", the verb is in the imperfect, noting a repeated action. Jesus continually asks and continues to this day to ask: “Who do you say that I am?” The answers provided by the disciples are interesting. The people, which seems to mean Jew and Gentile alike, are unclear, but they are certain that at the least he is a prophet, a miracle worker. And so many people today, even many who call themselves Christians, are happy to consider Jesus a prophet, a miracle worker, a great teacher. But Jesus is clear that such simple ‘belief’ is not enough because it falls utterly short of the staggering Truth: Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God.

The implications for calling Jesus the Messiah are deep, and conflicted. In the Old Testament, kings and prophets, and even the High Priest, were all anointed when they assumed their office. The Hebrew word for ‘anointed’ is Messiah. Each of these offices were in their own small way individual parts of a whole that was expected of the true Messiah who would come at the end of time and usher in the Day of Judgment. So when Simon declares that Jesus is that very Messiah, and the Son of God, he is both giving words to the revelation of God and to the complicated hopes of his people. Such a revelation must surely be shouted from the rooftops! People have often wondered why Jesus then says, “Tell no one that I am the Messiah, the Son of God.” This was the greatest revelation in human history! This was the news that the Jewish people so desperately wanted to hear! Why keep it quiet?!?

Jesus commands them to tell no one because of their complicated ideas and hopes about who the Messiah is and who God is. Right up until the crucifixion of Jesus, the disciples were all excited about Jesus being the Messiah. Their hearts and minds were filled with generations of hope that inevitably required the deaths of their enemies and ended in their investiture with power and authority. How many times did Jesus rebuke his disciples for arguing who would be the greatest in the kingdom of God? For them, and, if we’re honest, for we ourselves, to say that God was on their side meant that God was going to destroy all the people who they hated, for certainly God shares all of our judgments against our enemies! Surely God justifies all of our violence because we are on the side of justice!

The Jewish people of the 1st century, as equally as we today, had very earthly hopes: they all wanted an end to the crushing oppression of the Roman Empire. Each internal group understood this happening in different ways, but ultimately they agreed that it was for the same reason. The long-expected Messiah was destined to overthrow Rome and put them on the top of the smoking pile of rubble, because rubble is always the only thing left when humans make war against each other. As N.T. Wright puts it, no first century Jew would have said: "I want the Messiah to come, die in a humiliating fashion, be resurrected and then promise us that if we follow him, we will die and then enter into a non-earthly eternity with God that will include lots of non-Jews.", and "Everyone knew that a crucified Messiah was a failed Messiah." The Messiah was to bring about the new reign of God on earth, not die as a victim of the intersection of empire and temple.

But that is the Messiah that God had intended all along, as Jesus so patiently tried to teach them. And the disciples were left with crushed hopes and dreams, and their trust in God broken. How often do we experience the same desolation when God fails to act in ways that we expect? And even knowing this, Jesus says to the disciples, “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” I want to avoid the dispute about papal authority as much as I can do. The Greek text “I will give you” is in the plural, meaning that Jesus gives to all of the apostles the authority to bind and loose, not Peter alone. So, what may we make of this contentious statement of Jesus?

In rabbinic traditions, the use of the terms “bind” and “loose”, or “oblige” and “permit”, have to do with the authority of the leader of the community to declare what is permissible or not in the believing community. Jesus confers authority to Peter and to all the Apostles to modify the still primarily Jewish Christian community's stance toward the Law, thus opening the way for Gentiles to be considered full members of the Church. At the time when Jesus commands them to “Tell no one”, such inclusion was still not accepted or understood by the disciples. That would only come later, after the Resurrection and the coming of the Holy Spirit. Matthew is here writing in retrospect to support the Apostle’s authority to declare that eating with Gentiles, and by extension other non-observance of the Law, is acceptable where it is in accordance with the teaching, example, and commandments of Jesus to love as greatly as he loved. Even then, the matter was not settled for the Jewish disciples of Jesus, authority of the apostles or not.

This came to the fore in the dispute over Peter's decision to visit to the Gentile Cornelius and to eat non-kosher, unclean food, and then to baptize him and his entire family without requiring first that they become Jewish. The report in Acts 11:2b-3: “the circumcised believers criticized [Peter], saying, ‘Why did you go to uncircumcised men and eat with them?’” Peter's initial response is predicated on his authority, given by Jesus, to determine that the Law was no longer binding on either Jewish or Gentile Christians. The matter was clearly not settled, as we see from the convening of the Council of Jerusalem (Acts 15, c. 45 CE). In the Acts account, Peter continues to speak from the position of his authority conferred by Jesus, even though he was once rebuked by Paul for temporarily giving in to the pressure of those who still believed that the Mosaic Law was binding. Although the ultimate decision of the Council still required abstention from blood, from strangled animals and from food sacrificed to idols, within a few generations all requirements from the Mosaic Law were abandoned.

What are we to make of these things in our own times, my friends? What are the new laws that we have created in our own image to determine who is acceptable and who is deplorable, who has privilege and who’s privilege must be burned down? How are our modern equivalents: critical theory, intersectional theory, Marxist/socialist/fascist philosophy, corporate capitalism, and so many others; how are these any different from the Law that the Early Church struggled to nuance, adapt, or reject? Who has the authority to say which of these are obliged and permitted? Are we any different from the disciples, still so filled with our ideas of justice and humanity, that Jesus tells us to not own him as the Messiah? What parts of our lives have still to be sanctified before our claims to be disciples of Jesus are worthwhile? How much does our proclamation that Jesus is the Son of God still reflect the vanity of human judgment? Who, looking at the Church, looking at me or you, can see anything of the Resurrected Savior who loves us all without judgment? These are weighty and essential questions for us to ask of ourselves. May God enlighten the eyes of our hearts that we might see the Truth and be transformed by him that we might be bearers of that Truth, who is Jesus.

Grant, O merciful God, that your Church, being gathered together in unity by your Holy Spirit, may show forth your power among all peoples, to the glory of your Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

[werevulvi]

I feel like I should get deeper into my choice to take on the nonbinary label. Is it based on misogyny? Yes. Absolutely, yes. But a woman simply protecting herself from misogyny is not complicit in the misogyny that she is forced to face. Radical feminists should know that, I think. However, I realise that I may have missed to communicate that clearly. Allow me to try better, and dig deeper into my wounds.

Identifying as nonbinary does give me a sense of relief, a sense of wholeness - a relief to be whoever I want and feel allowed to just exist as my authentic self, free from either fucked up gender stereotype, thgose of both men and women - which might sound good on the surface level... but looking deeper, through my radfem eyes, what it means, is this: Why do I feel like I cannot be my authentic self as a woman, all of a sudden? There we have it, the big bleeding wound in my heart, and that's what I feel a need to elaborate on. I'll stay out of the nonbinary tag this time. This isn't for them. (Although anyone can reblog, comment or give a like.) What do I actually want, for myself, if it wasn't for society? I wish to continue transitioning. I wanna go back on testosterone as I deeply miss it and I'm panicking about my body hair thinning out and decreasing. I do not want to lose it for the world! I'm holding onto every single one of my vanishing hairs, for dear life! At the same time, I still wish to get new boobs. I still miss them sorely and I just need to have those kinda body parts again. I feel broken without boobs, I panic without T. I cannot explain it. It's weird alright, but I don't give a fuck! Without societal imput that's just how I want to look and love looking like. It's just body mods. At core, that's what it is: just body modifications. You know that as radfems - I know it just as well.

I love my body when it's masculinised yet retaining all of my originally female parts, such as curves, breasts and my pussy. That makes me feel very positively connected to my body; so to the point that it makes me feel entirely at peace with that I'm female, and very comfortable with that it makes me a woman. But I cannot be okay with being female if I had to be a traditional looking woman, or even a butch-looking woman. That is not ME, neither of those would be my authentic self. So, my medical transition deeply matters to me, as body mods, and I will not walk away from that. I believe that continuing my medical transition while still honouring my female body and womanhood is what is right for me personally. I understand that there is an issue with the beauty industry affecting me too, but I'm clearly not making myself beautiful for men - nor am I making myself ugly for them. What I'm doing is making myself beautiful for me, in an unconventional way, even though it makes me also ugly for most other lesbians. Can you understand then, from that perspective, how deeply important it is for me, that I willingly make such a sacrifice? (I'm already in a happy lesbian relationship, so maybe you can't, but alright.) I do not believe that I mod myself out of self hate. Not anymore, because I did in the past, and I believe that I can tell the difference between living as a man while actively attempting to escape one's female biology - and living as a male-passing woman while actively honouring my beautifully modified female body. You may think I'm mutilated, but I'd disagree. I am beautiful and my high self-esteem greatly surpasses such rudeness.

Is a heavily tattooed woman self-hating for her mods? I don't know what you may think, but if not, then neither am I with my beard and deep voice and future fake tits. An intentionally virilised (fancy word for masculinised, I like it quite a lot), modified woman is what I am, want to be and remain as. I do not have any "social dysphoria" accompanying my body/sex dysphoria since I recovered from my traumas, and thus I feel no need or wish what so ever to call myself a man, and I feel good calling myself what is true in science: female, girl, woman, she/her, lady, ma'am, miss, etc.

I believe that I have somehow managed, against all odds, with the help of radfems on tumblr... to balance transitioning my dysphoria with being a self-loving biological woman. Thank you for that. So what's the catch? I mentioned misogyny. Well, socially, as a male-passing, yet suspiciously curvy and overtly effeminately styled person - I have effectively lost my right to be a woman outside of radblr. I want you to understand this, especially other radfem's, so please listen carefully if you've got a few minutes, because this is important, as it absolutely has to do with both female oppression as well as trans ideology bullshit (and I'll try not to scream this time, but I can't make any promises, because this is deeply painful and upsetting to me.) Can't women take testosterone and like it and still be women? That's what's so complicated, and I need to be upfront and clear about why. Technically, yes of course that is possible. No one can or should stop women from taking T if they truly want a beard and permanently deep voice, right - but is it possible socially? No, in my experience it is not, and I will now try my best to explain to you what I mean by that, as it's kinda abstract. There are two aspects to this. Firstly, any female person claiming to want those physical features is going to be told that they then cannot be a woman. They are told that is incorrect thinking, that they are a trans man or nonbinary, that they have internalised transphobia or that they are indeed a "cis" woman but confused and should NOT take testosterone, implying that will make her dysphoric if she really is a woman. Because trans ideology says so.

Secondly, living as a male-passing woman who does not want to pass as female, was something that I found to be so difficult in practice that eventually it became too much for me. It isn't dysphoria-inducing, not at all. But it's very, very frustrating and constantly challenging. I can no longer access women's spaces so I have to put up with using the men's including locker rooms, convincing people of my still female sex is next to impossible (even doctors!), other women view me as a threat and an imposter, I'm frequently barred from lesbian spaces unless my girlfriend invites me to them first, I am frequently mistaken for being a poorly passing trans woman, and so on.

I'm effectively forced to either live as a trans woman (which I'd feel is degrading, untrue, and deceptive) or to claim a transmasculine label to at least be able to infer that I'm "afab" - but a WOMAN? No. Woman, in the eyes of society as it is today - cannot be a happily male-passing, dysphoric female. That is deemed an oxymoron. Gender has taken presendency over sex. People assume, wrongfully, that my "gender identity" is woman - and they assume, just as wrongfully, that my sex is male - and they make both those assumptions at once. They then refuse to accept that they are wrong, no matter how hard I have tried to explain it, over and over ad nauseum. I don't even understand why that keeps happening!

Therefore, I've come to the sad conclusion that I'm simply no longer welcome into society as a woman, based on my choice of looks, as I am indeed happily transitioned and do not wish to change what testosterone improved on my body. I completely refuse to. Not to be dramatic, but... I'd rather fucking die. My body is not a property of society. It is MY property. My ONLY true property. And I'll decorate it however I so damn well please. But what can I do about it, being treated like that? Realistically, in actuality, what CAN I possibly do about it? Honestly, not much. I can either suck it up and "admit" to being a man, or I can fight endlessly and keep explaining how I'm really a woman, or choose some kinda middle-road like nonbinary, but I cannot win that fight. Perhaps (hopefully) radical feminism can, but me, as a single, individual person? No, I cannot win that battle. I stand defenseless against a massive army, and that enemy has worn me out. I have essentially lost my right to be a woman, by being my authentic self. That is very, very sad. It scares me, it honestly mortifies me, but I have to deal with it somehow. I can't just slump down and cry about it, no matter how tempting that is.

I do not think that my experience with this is entirely unique. I believe I probably share it with tons of other gnc and/or male-passing women, but I am new to this.

I'm 30 years old, and have only lived as a male-passing woman for one and a half year. I grew up as a typically feminine girl, dysphoric about my sex traits, but never dysphoric about my feminine expression. My gnc mom taught me well, to separate sex from gender expression, and I thus never confused the two as I see sooo many other gnc and trans people do. I do not blame them, because so many people infer that my femininity=woman and my masculinity=man and that the sum of my whimsical androgyny equals nonbinary. But I cannot, do not, WILL NOT and have never in my life... seen it that way. However, big however, I STILL turned out dysphoric about my sex, despite being a happily feminine female, and lesbian at that, and that is something few seem to understand. I get that, I totally do. It's probably rare. Just see for yourself how empty the "dysphoric femme" tag is. Yes, it exists, with a whole whopping three posts. And I struggle to explain it.

It's very hard for me to live as a male-passing woman because it is entirely new for me and I'm struggling to adapt to facing this extreme level of misogyny. I break down from it, I do not know how to handle it. Perhaps most gnc/dysphoric women have lived with that crap since they were young tomboys, but I haven't, because I was never a tomboy. I suppose it will get easier, as much else does, and that is why I'm pretty sure that me using the nonbinary label now is only going to be temporary. Because I do not know how to deal with this. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for breaking down and admitting defeat, I'm so fucking sorry. I just want to be treated with the dignity and respect that I give to others, or at least just an ounce of politeness. So am I actually nonbinary, then, genderwise? No, I am not. Neither my choice of gender roles, nor my androgynous blob of a personality, not even my strange dysphoria is evidence of a nonbinary gender. If that’s how others see it: fine, but I cannot force myself to actually believe that THAT's what makes me nonbinary... No matter how much I keep getting that forced down my throat. All I do is choke on it. What I am is a woman, sex-wise, as I've always stated. Me taking on the nonbinary label is indeed a choice. A reluctant, but very deliberate, active choice.

Problem is that I cannot live authentically while at the same time calling myself what I literally am, without getting brutally punished for it. Yes, I believe the ones to blame for that... are the TRA's. Trans activism slowly changed society to overlook sex in favour of gender. I believe that is why I am being denied my womanhood, because it is based on my invisible sex. If you look clearly female in your day-to-day life, I do not think that you could possibly experience this. To clarify: I do not mind passing as male. In fact I like it quite a lot. What I do mind, is being treated like crap for who I am, and not being believed to be what I am. I had no idea that this would happen upon my detransition. I am shocked, and I am hurt. End notes: I wish that someday I can truly reclaim my womanhood, without having to change my body to fit societal standards, or claim a trans label to dodge the societal standards. I miss my womanhood, and I need it... but it has been snatched from my hands. The enemy won't let me have it back, unless I comply to the rules and (sell my soul to the patriarchy) turn myself into a conventionally attractive barbie doll - and my attempts to reclaim it without complying to those rules, are utterly futile. I am an incorrect female... deprived of my right to be a woman, and it hurts. Man, it hurts sooo bad!

Honestly I don't know what to do about it, but for now I need a breathing break from this constant battle, because my enemy has exhausted me. "Nonbinary" is such a breathing break. It is my retreat, but I will NOT surrender. Someday I will charge back into battle again, and shove down people's throats that I'm damn well a woman regardless of what they think of it. Because this bearded bitch ain't fucking dead yet!!!

[nerdettedreamteam]

robstar week 2019: day seven

day seven is finally here :’( all art credit goes to @samdraws715, so make sure to check out her blog here and her instagram! (which is the same thing) i had so much fun participating in robstar week this year and i appreciate all the kind feedback!! you guys are too sweet <3 at first i struggled with an idea for this prompt, but then i finally figured out the obvious route of this prompt, and honestly i’m quite proud of this SKHJHSFJDKS,, i know i said that for a lot of the prompts but i feel like this was a nice way to end the week :’) enjoy the last fanfic from me for robstar week! i’ll definitely continue to post more of my writings here in the future so stay tuned!!

Jewel

Robin opened his eyes from his sleep feeling ready to start a new day. However, today wasn’t like any other day. It was special. He turned over to Starfire who slept peacefully on his right. He admired the soft features on her face for a moment before he leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Good morning, beautiful.” Robin lazily spoke as he moved his head into the crook of her neck.

It didn’t take long for him to feel a hand run through his thick dark hair. He looked up and found her awake, giving him a tired smile. “Good morning, Robin.”

Robin smiled at how angelic she looked in that moment. He moved his hand to her hair and tucked it behind her ear. “Happy Anniversary, Star.” He nearly whispered.

“And to you as well.” Starfire said as she gazed into his blue eyes.

They leaned closer to each other and closed the distance between their lips with a kiss. It lasted for a good couple seconds, and despite it not being a longer moment it was still a blissful one. Robin melted into her touch, but broke the kiss to resist his desire to go any further with her. As much as he wanted to, they had plans.

Starfire hummed. “You do know our anniversary is not until tomorrow, right?”

“I know, but we leave for Tokyo today, and by the time we get there it’ll be the next day. Just thought I’d round it up.” He paused for a brief moment. “Plus I’m kind of excited for it all.” Robin admitted.

Starfire sat up in bed as well, stretching her limbs and yawning. “I am excited for it as well. I wonder of all the things we will do while we are back in the city.”

Robin chuckled. “I guess that’s the best part of just winging it, not to have a plan or know what to expect. We’ll just have to find out ourselves.”

Robin and Starfire gathered their things together as quickly and quietly as they could, without wanting to wake up any of the other titans, considering the sun hadn’t even come up yet. The sky was a dark blue but it was evident that the morning sun would be well on its way in an hour or so.

Two years had passed since Robin and Starfire shared their feelings for each other in Tokyo, and since then a lot has happened for the young couple. Obstacles that tested them and their relationship, but no matter how bad things had seemed or had gotten, whether it was a crime or a personal issue or a fight they had, they always came out stronger in the end and their bond had deepened into something much more than just teenage love, and Robin felt it.

Another change that was evident was that Robin was drifting away from the whole ‘Robin’ persona. He knew he wanted to become his own hero that wasn’t constantly associated with Batman, but he hadn’t really touched on it that much other than thinking about it from time to time on his own and with a brief discussion about it with Starfire. She was the only one on the team who knew he was even considering this change. The whole idea was still in the early stages, though. As of then, he still went by Robin. Though he would miss being known as Robin in some way, he knew it was time for a change soon.

However, he had more important matters with his girlfriend to attend to, and he was feeling pretty excited about the fact that they were on their way back to the city where their journey as a couple had first started.

It was crazy to think about how far they had come since that day two whole years ago. Time had gone by insanely quick.

Once they reached Tokyo, the sun had only just risen over the city. However, it was the next day, which meant that their anniversary was already that day.

Being on a team meant to protect the city, Robin and Starfire could only afford a single day away from their regular schedules. As much as Robin wanted more time with her, they could only be this far from home for so long, which is why Robin and Starfire decided to cherish every single moment together.

They made the most of their time together and greatly enjoyed each other’s company. They talked of the memories they shared together when they first visited, and even went back to the place where they had their first official kiss and shared a kiss in the same spot once again. Tokyo was magical, but the whole journey of their relationship was even more magical.

Once the night had cast over the city, millions of stars had littered the night sky, twinkling like many tiny lights. Tokyo was also lit up with city lights as well, and only added to the wonderfulness of it all. Robin and Starfire were now with the T-ship atop of a small hill quite a bit of distance from the city.

Robin and Starfire sat down on the edge of the hill and admired the view. Robin glanced over at his girlfriend, who was contently staring out at the view. He then looked away and focused on a tree which was further down the hill. He took a breath through his nose and exhaled.

Besides the trip to Tokyo with Starfire, Robin also had one more thing planned in celebration of their anniversary. The thought of it made him a little nervous. He started planning it many months before, and it was constantly in the back of his mind, especially whenever they were together. The other titans knew that Robin and Starfire would be gone that day, but for next part he had planned, he hadn’t told anyone.

“Hey, Star?” Robin spoke, breaking the silence at last.

“Yes, Robin?

Robin felt warmth instantly flood through his body. His breathing became uneven but remained calm enough to continue speaking. He rubbed the back of his head. “I- uhm… there’s something else…”

Starfire tilted her head. “Which is?”

“Uhhh… just- just give me a sec.” Robin said nervously, feeling like an awkward idiot as he stood up and dug around for something in his utility belt.

Starfire stood up as well and watched him with curious eyes, wondering what he was looking for.

It only took him a brief moment longer before he pulled his hand out, holding something in his closed hand. He looked up at Starfire once again. “Can I have your hand?”

Starfire held out her hand and Robin took it. She watched him place the object in her hand. Once Robin released his hand from hers, Starfire brought the object back to herself, and opened her fingers to reveal the object in her palm.

Starfire was surprised to find that it was a gold ring with a single purple jewel in the center. Her eyes widened and she looked up at her boyfriend. “Robin? What is-”

“It’s a promise ring, Star.” Robin told her before sucking in another breath and exhaling. “I just…”

Starfire watched him, feeling even more curious than before.

“I just… I really care about you, Star.” Robin began. “You really mean a lot to me, and this… this feeling, it’s only grown after all these years. And, when we started dating, it just reaffirmed all the good things I already thought of you. No words can describe how much you’ve changed my life, and how far I’d go for you.” Robin paused. “I love you, Starfire, I really do. The way I feel has only become more intense since we first met. I can feel it.”


Robin took her hands and held them into his own.

“It’s true we’ve had our fair share of fights and struggles throughout the last two years, but honestly, I would never want to trade those moments for anything. I’m not sure about many things I do, but one thing I amsure of is us, and if I’ve learned anything being your best friend and boyfriend, I know that I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life without you in it.” Robin looked into her eyes and cracked a small smile. “That’s why I’m promising to always be there for you, Star, no matter what happens or what will happen.”

Robin nearly welled up with tears when he saw Starfire’s face, with tears already threatening to spill over. She had never felt this happy and loved in her entire life, she didn’t even know how to react. She felt her tears finally fall and roll down her cheeks, and nearly laughed as she wiped them away. “Richard…”

Robin couldn’t prevent the smile on his face from showing any longer. “I take it you accept?”

Starfire had let out a laugh once more. “Of course!” She hugged him which he didn’t waste any time returning.

Her arms were draped over his shoulders. “Oh, Robin, I truly cannot thank you enough for making me feel so incredibly happy. I do not even know what I have done to deserve this.”

“Really? You don’t think being my girlfriend has anything to do with it?” Robin asked Starfire with a smirk.

This caused her to laugh again. A red hue settled on her face, making her all the more beautiful to Robin. “Robin…” She rolled her eyes playfully.

“C’mon Star, you don’t have to do anything special for you to know just how much I love you. I’ll just show you how much I do anyways.”

Starfire hummed and got closer to him. “Well, I hope you know that I love you just as immensely.”

“Oh believe me, I know.” Robin said as he pulled her even closer and captured her lips in a kiss, closing the distance between them.

It was passionate but well earned. It lasted for a few moments before the two teens pulled apart, looking into each other’s eyes.

“Oh! Robin, if you gave me a ring, then we must get one for you as well!” Starfire told him.

“Oh yeah.” Robin perked up. “I totally forgot I had two of them with me.” Robin said as he pulled his out from his utility belt. “I thought it went well with yours, so I bought this one just for the sake of it.”

Robin showed her the ring in his hand and he wasn’t kidding about the two rings going together. Like Starfire’s the ring was gold, but instead of a purple jewel held a red one. Her eyes filled with wonder. “Oh Robin… it is absolutely beautiful.”


Starfire took the ring from his hand and examined it in her own before a smile crossed her face. “May I?”

Robin was surprised but couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the gesture. “Of course.”

Starfire took Robin’s right hand and put the ring on his ring finger. She stepped back and smiled, admiring how it it looked on him. “I think it is perfect.”

“I think so too.” Robin said as he brought his girlfriend closer to him once more and kissed her cheek.

Starfire giggled before she rested her head on Robin’s shoulders as he held her close. “Thank you for toda, Robin. Everything was wonderful.”

“Of course, Star. I’d do it all again if I could.” Robin said as he hugged her for a moment. When it broke he looked back into those gorgeous eyes of hers. “C’mon, we should probably get going now.”

Starfire nodded and looked back once more at the view before them. “Oh, I will miss this place. It’s come to have a special place in my heart.”

Robin couldn’t agree more. “Me too. We should definitely come back again.”

Robin and Starfire walked back to the T-ship. “Honestly, now I’m just wondering about all the questions we’ll be asked from the others.”

Starfire thought for a second before nodding. “Agreed, I feel as if they would be most curious to know of all the details.”

Robin smiled. “Yeah. Well, at least at this point I feel prepared for anything, especially when I’m with you.” Robin said as he held her hand and laced their fingers together.

Starfire returned the smile. “As do I.”

Robin and Starfire continued to walk towards their ride home, feeling hopeful for what the future had in store for them.

[trumanhqs]

a mod? apologizing for inactivity again?

hello lovelies !! mod andy here. we keep apologizing for being absent, and thank you again for your patience, but you guys deserve a mini explanation of sorts.

it’s not hard to see we have been struggling a bit. activity has been down, main has been slow, etc. a large part of this is just the time of year. we can’t fix that, and due to our more lenient style, we may have allowed our group to suffer a bit. speaking on my own behalf, that saddens me greatly. 

however, other things are at play. some stuff has been happening with the mods behind the scenes. ( we will make a formal announcement in the coming days. i am just waiting on some responses to make sure everything is correct. ) personally, i’ve been struggling with adjusting to some life changes / i am now on a roadtrip that has limited my internet access for the next week or so. meanwhile, everyone’s favorite lovebug mod ariana is swamped with the end of the school semester. thus, the main has severely suffered.

i promise we are still here and alive ! we will do whatever we can for this group, as it means so much to us. none of us would abandon you out of the blue, we’re just... not always the best with communication in this busy season, and we cannot apologize enough for that. 

with all this being said: truman will remain open. there will just be a pause in events and tasks until we reconfigure how to move forward considering our current circumstances. we love everyone who has stuck with us through thick and thin, and us mods will always be striving to provide the best group we can for you all.

[mental-health-advice]

I don't feel alive anymore. My memory gets worse and worse. Everything seems unreal... Like if I had fallen into coma and I'm only dreaming the rest of my miserable life. I haven't got emotions or an identity anymore- except anxiety, depression and 'emptiness'. I lost my empathy and my will to live. And the worst: I have no one that can drag me out of this sea. And suicide won't solve anything. It won't work. The nightmare will never end.

Hi lovely,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now and it is having such a negative impact on your daily life, I know how tough this can be. I hope I’ll be able to give you some advice and information on how to start dealing with this!

First of all, I am so so sorry that these thoughts have caused you issues with suicidal thoughts.  I do need to say that if you ever take any action to end your life or seriously hurt yourself, then please call your local emergency services (e.g. 911) for immediate medical attention. If you are reaching a crisis point and are in danger of harming yourself then try to get yourself to the ER, or to somewhere safe and contact someone who can come and help to keep you safe. You can also always  contact a helpline or web counsellor for 24/7 support. I want you to know that you are definitely meant to be part of this world, and you bring love and happiness that the world would greatly miss if you weren’t here. You are so loved

I also think it may be a good idea for you to create a safety plan. This is a plan containing all of the things you can do whenever you feel yourself reaching a crisis point. For example, who you can call, grounding techniques and distractions that are effective for you.  We have an outline for a plan on our printables page here. Something which you could incorporate into your plan, or make completely separate, is a list of your reasons to stay; this could be tiny things, all the way up to big reasons, but they all count towards why you deserve to stay and find happiness! Here is our list of reasons to stay, maybe somethings on here will give you some ideas, love. There are so many reasons for you to stay

I am not a professional and cannot diagnose you, but from reading you ask and how you describe your symptoms, I do just want to share some information about a condition with you... Derealisation is a type of dissociative disorder, and can be experienced alone as a condition. However, it can be linked to many other mental health issues, for example anxiety or schizophrenia. It can also be related to changes in medication or the use of drugs/alcohol, and can be caused by overwhelming levels of stress. I am not a professional and can by no means tell you what is causing this condition for you so I really recommend that you go and talk to a professional about this as they will be able to diagnose you if applicable and help you to figure out what is causing you to feel like this. A doctor would be a good place to start. There are tests and scales used to determine if a person suffers from dissociative disorders (which are listed in the DSM IV). They can also refer you on of further treatment like talking therapy; this can help you to feel more attached to yourself and separate some of the things that aren’t real from the true things. Our page about getting help is here, and hopefully will help you feel confident enough to ask for help.

I’m also linking our page of grounding techniques here; these may be useful to you when you are going through a period of dissociation. An example of one of these techniques would be to:

Describe 5 things you can see

Describe 4 things you can hear

Describe 3 things you can feel

Describe 2 things you can smell

Describe 1 thing you can taste

I have found practical techniques like holding my hands under really cold running water to be particularly effective; it may take a few tries before you find a technique that works for you, but try not to give up, and keep persevering. These techniques can help you to stay connected to reality when you feel yourself getting particularly lost, and can even be useful to bring you back to reality once you have already entered a dissociated state.

I also recommend journalling. This can be from really in depth writing about everything that happened during your day, or just a couple of sentences to help you remember the main things that were going on that day. That way whenever you feel very spaced out and have forgotten what you you have done previously, or want to look back on a good day, then you can use your journal to help you.I have also found creative things like drawing and painting to be helpful whenever I am struggling with derealisation; because I have created that piece of art, I know it is real and that helps me to recognise things that are real around me. Maybe that is something you could try to? I doesn’t have to be art, it could be cooking/baking, or writing, or music!

Self-care is really important for you right now. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself; fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and at peace. For example, I take the two hours before I go to sleep and try it fill that time with things like art and music, I’ll also take the time to have a bath, wash my hair, look after my skin, etc. Practising self-care also involves things like making sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying hydrated.

Again, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this right now and that you are feeling so low - but I promise you, things will get better and you will be able to be happy one day, these negative feeling will pass and you will come out the other side stronger than you ever thought possible, and we’ll be here to support you every step of the way! Please don’t give up, love

Take care!

‘‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’‘

Rhiann xo

[cavalrylad]

A Brother's Penance: (this is the edited copy I meant to send)

((congrats Shay. You’ve won a trip to feels purgatory.))

Dead. The four miserable letters spelling out a final departure from this life. Gone. A word that is equally as short and eternal. It means beyond mending, repair, salvation, and return. These two words should never be uttered in the same sentence as his brother’s newly tarnished name.

What kind of cruel twist fate was this? That he survived and Benjamin did not? The kiss of demise had been planted on Samuel’s bones. The stench of the hereafter had been entrenched in every pore and fiber of his clammy skin. Sickness had invaded him and promised a dismal fate. The Captain had nearly been one foot in the grave. Yet, it was the healthy Major, whose, time expired before his.

Sammy’s heart sinks into his gut and the chambers of his chest feel tight as if, he had been caught in a vice grip. “Are you sure?” He entreats of the courier. Who again, dismally shakes his head “yes” before handing him the parchment.

Samuel always considered that this was a possibility. He knew full-well that death lurks within every shadow. Thanks to their present occupation. Still, the news caught him entirely off guard.

Samuel would have given his life ten thousand times over if it meant sparing his brother.

Carefully inked words blur upon the tattered communication. Ben had died alone in the hands of the enemy. Guilt burns like acid at every corner of the younger Tallmadge’s conscience. Of all the terrible things this had to be the worst. Samuel had prayed with countless suffering souls until the angels to came to collect them. However, he hadn’t been there in his own brother’s time of need. No one comforted Ben in his final moments.

“I’m sorry. Oh God, I’m sorry,” Samuel apologizes, to no one in particular. Haunted indigo hues shift from the tent towards the camp mutineer’s graves. He can’t help but feel sick.

How does one carry on when one-half of your heart… no, half of you, is buried under a heap of frigid, unfeeling, and worm riddled soil? Samuel questions himself. If only he had been the one to find the grave instead of his brother. How could he ever live up to Ben’s legacy? Why had God taken the perfect son and left in his wake, the more flawed?

His father’s funeral lecture from Ecclesiastes chapter three returns to him, in spite of Samuel’s efforts to push it away. ‘To everything, there is a season. A time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which, has been planted…’ Sam braces himself against the next words. They do not bring him any comfort nor the promised peace that surpasses all understanding. “All goeth unto one place; all are of the dust, and all shalt turn to dust again.” No, not Benjamin! Samuel internally argues. Ben was more than a figure of ash, clay, dust, and bones. He was Samuel’s closest confidant, his best-friend, his teacher, and his protector. In fact, Ben and Sam’s lives had been so entwined that it was nearly impossible to reflect on a memory where one was present and the other was not. Save for the time Samuel had spent with the Sons of Liberty and the years upon the Jersey, of course.

From the very first breath that escaped Samuel’s lungs, his brother had continually been at his side. It was in Ben’s worn shoes that he took his first steps and it was in Ben’s footsteps, Samuel continually followed. With the elder boy’s loving coaxing, Samuel babbled his first words which, transformed into full sentences; until he couldn’t stop talking. Ben quickly became Sammy’s guiding compass. The one person who, always seemed to point True North; besides their father.

While it had, sometimes, felt like a burden following in the shadows of someone as intelligent, fearless, and spirited as Ben, Samuel cherished the benefits. He was quick to learn discernment from his elder brother’s mis-steps and mistakes. By watching Ben, Sammy acquired the art of taming his own temper. Understanding how to tame Ben’s followed soon after.

Samuel couldn’t bear the thought of his elder brother decaying in some shallow hole in the ground, without even a cross to make his final resting place! Even the gophers on the farm got more decent treatment! This was surely an outrage! But who was he to plead his cause with the enemy? They would surely do to him the same things they had to Ben. To them, he was a worthless peon. His aching soul is forced to slog through the muddied waters of grief.

On his knees the Captain pours out the oceanic depths of his shattered spirit, one stubborn tear-drop at a time. From the pit of his soul, he bitterly wails his heart-felt sentiment to the Author of All. “WHY? ABBA FATHER?! WHY… HIM?! AND NOT ME?! WAS MY LIFE NOT AS PLEASING OF A SACRIFICE? HAVE YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME IN ANGER?! AM I BEING MADE TO SUFFER FOR SOME WRONG I HAVE DONE YOU? WHY THEN HAVE YOU NOT STRUCK ME DOWN?! BEN DIDN’T DESERVE THIS!”

No voice thunders from the clouds in reply. No answer comes in the shuddering utterances of the night’s wind. He is gifted only the accompaniment of a crippling, tomb-like silence.

Heaving lungs burn, heady with the sting of suffocation. Fierce sobs ravage his slender frame until even his bones find themselves rattling uncontrollably. Fingers claw at the ground striving in vain to bring himself closer to the heart of his, suddenly quiet, Maker.

It is in this moment he recollects Job’s lament. In a shallow, sotto voce, he rasps…..

“Let the stars of this day’s twilight be darkened; Let it wait for light but have none,  and let it not see the breaking of dawn.

Why is light given to him who suffers, And life to the bitter of soul, Who long for death, but there is none, And dig for it more than for hidden treasures, Who rejoice greatly, And exalt when they find the grave? Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, And whom God has hedged in? For my groaning comes at the sight of my food, My cries pour out like water. For what I fear comes upon me, And what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet. And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.”

Surrender beckons. Bringing himself into a prostrate position, Samuel finds himself powerless, humbled in the presence of the jealous, omnipresent, omnipotent, Ruler of Heaven and Earth. Whose abundant love, like a flood, consumes everything in its path.

He presses his forehead flat against the unforgivingly cold ground. His quivering lips meet the well-trodden dirt. He no longer utters supplications. They make no impact. Meager words could not change what had happened, no matter how desperately he wished them too.

In the stillness, far beyond the gasping sounds of his air-hungry lungs, Samuel can once more hear his father’s voice. “How can one know the ways of God? How can one say…that… this tragedy happened for this reason or that?” He remembers his father asking the church after Moma Tallmadge died. The church grew unusually quiet. Not a scuffle of shoes or squeak of the bench could be heard. Three-year-old Samuel turned to Ben who, then shrugged his shoulders in reply. As if, to say, he held naught the desired answer. Azure hues shifted in alarm back to his father as the pause lingered for a moment more. Then without hesitation, his father answers his own inquiry. “ We cannot. There is no striving against the divine providence of God, nor altering the course of things. Why… is irrelevant. We must trust in Providence even if we do not understand.” When Providence deals such heavy blows, it feels impossible to put one’s faith in the things unseen. Samuel finally understood that extreme spiritual battle. He could suddenly comprehend the reasoning as to why some refused to pray with the last breaths leaving their lungs. His eyes were finally open to the bitterness and darkness that jaded so many hearts for it was now implanted in his own. While it would not vanquish Samuel’s unyielding faith, it definitely shook it.

This is the start of an eternity without his dearest friend. Today would be the first of many days to pass without the comfort of his brother’s embrace, the warmth of his laugh, and his well-intended advice. Benjamin would never see the good his efforts and countless sacrifices had wrought. He’d never see the end of this bloody conflict nor the birth of the new nation they were struggling to defend. He’d never get married in that good old Setauket church, the way they planned, when they were no older than Sprout Woodhull. He’d never get the opportunity to grow old or know what it is like to have a family. There would be no birthdays, no Christmases, no Thanksgivings to Celebrate and share with his elder brother. No playful nudges, switching places, or pulling pranks… either.

And while time would stand still for Benjamin, it would not halt for Samuel. His face was already growing two days worth stubble in childish patches. He’d be forced to bear witness to the dawning of each new day. Likewise, the day’s plunging into the abyss of darkness. Samuel would find no rest, no peaceful slumber. His steps could not cease because he had no footsteps to follow in nor a guide to lead him. He’d be forced to march along to the endless cadence of the drums, the steady ticking of the clock. Guilt and shame would dog his every movement like the clanking of iron chains. He would forever be a prisoner to his shortcomings. Even washed in the grace of God, Samuel would always carry this heavy chip on his shoulder. He could never deserve absolution for being absent when his brother needed him the most.

For now, the anguish, guilt, and shame would his comeuppance. Time would make sure he paid his full penance before being reunited with Ben.

[foxydivaxx]

Dick and the Robins Chapter 1

Ok now I remembered that I promised to post this on here. Anyways, onto the story. I have once again edited stuff. Now what would this remind you guys of?

Once upon a time, there used to be a band that shone so bright that not only were they the envy of millions, they also paved the way for other younger stars to follow though their light still shone the brightest. They were known as the Robins. The group’s journey began when a sextet of brothers from Gotham city auditioned for famous music mogul Oswald Cobblepot.

Legend has it that Cobblepot who was a friend to Grayson’s father Bruce Wayne visited Wayne Manor one day and overheard Grayson and his five younger adoptive brothers singing from upstairs. Impressed, he signed them up on the spot.

The boys were the first group to debut under what was known as Project Titans, a project to create highly successful idols and they were tasked to sell at least 100,000 copies of their first single. They not only sold up to said amount, they broke the record by selling times five of the amount.

Thanks to the hardwork of these boys, the idol phenomenon was born and soon paved the way for other Titans to follow.

They broke every record known to man, sold albums and sold out shows and won every single award. They were living the dream life many wish they had. But sadly that dream came to a crashing halt after a series of setbacks and tragedies and internal struggles. The final nail on the coffin came about on when on 6th July 2010, Terry McGinnis, the youngest member of the band released the folowing statement via his Instagram page:

The world came to a standstill once they saw this. Millions of hearts were broken worldwide and many more were outraged, demanding answers to this situation. The thing that even shocked others was the fact that it was Terry that made the announcement and not Dick their leader but then again, considering the fact that said boy went under the radar as of late and that the others started promoting without him recently and even threw not so nice jabs at their brother who chose to remain silent, one shouldn’t be surprised. 

Rumours have been swirling about some drama within the group for years though the boys have each denied it. But now, it seems more and more obvious that the boys had been slowly drifting apart.

In fact many suspected that Dick may have either been kicked out of the group or chose to walk out due to a public argument between Dick and Jason that the paparazzi caught on camera last year. The other members soon followed with statements of their own on various social media outlets, all except Dick of course.

But their responses, whilst confirmation of the news came across as a bit well...subpar as one would expect them to all individually address the fans. But considering the fact that Tim was on set for his latest movie the night of the announcement, Damian was with a relative in Morocco and Jason had been having health issues, many fans gave them the slide. In fact one could argue that it was the current management which is presently not run by Cobblepot who had since resigned as CEO of the label around the time of the Barbies and Bad Boys Club’s departure that posted on their behalf.

Many remembered Leviathan’s statement on Dick’s  status and soon fans, various media outlets and other celebs soon turned into detectives and began to dig into the surface to figure out what was going on. 

Someone under the username wingxx1 who is actually Alfred Pennyworth, the Wayne family butler in disguise posted on a Robins fan forum about Dick’s situation. 

Guys I am someone that knows the Robins very well and I was as concerned as you guys were about Dick so I spoke to Dick, the other Robins and other related parties and discovered that there was a terrible argument with all the Robins over Dick outselling his brothers during their special solo album project and thus got more promotion than the others and released two more albums. Ironically the other Robins also released some solo albums of their own too. As a result, the remaining Robins chose to kick Dick off the Team and have since been continuing without him. I was angered by this and felt that it was appropriate to share this news with all of you.

Almost immediately, this causes an uproar all over social media. Fans went to the other Robins accounts and began to bombard and throw hate at them.  Soon the hashtag #JusticeForDick and #RobinsOverParty start trending as a result.

The other Robins watch the fallout in shock. “Wow...” says Jason. “Told you guys didn’t I? Getting rid of Dick would do us no favours. Sure he overshadows us but what’s a band without the very face that made it famous in the first place!!” says Terry.

“Yeah but we cannot take it back now.“ says Damian with a sigh. “I am sure they will get over it.” says Terry.

“I highly doubt it.” The boys all froze in their tracks as a certain someone makes his presence known. 

“B-Bruce?” says Jason whilst the others gulped. If there was someone that was greatly unhappy on the way things turned out, it would be Bruce and for good reason. Afterall he is their dad. 

“I hope your kids are happy with the mess you have created because there is absolutely no way you guys would be able to recover from this. Besides, I have decided not to interfere in your business anymore after you sent me that scathing letter telling me not to get involved in your lives and basically firing me as your manager simply because I actually told you guys the truth about your terrible actions. Anyway, I do not have anything left to say to you boys other than to wish you luck on your future endeavors. Good thing I kicked you brats out of the Manor.” The future endeavors part came out in a very bitter yet sarcastic way. It is with that that Bruce left the house, leaving his sons stunned. 

Meanwhile, Barbara Gordon was observing the drama online with glee. “Finally those Robins are getting their just desserts.” She then gets up and smirks. “And poor little Dickie is in hiding.” Everyone knows about her and Dick’s breakup now. However most people do not know how said breakup happened. Might as well let the cat out of the bag.

So what do you all think? I am not satisfied with how this turned out tbh. The next chapter which will kick start the story proper takes place in five years later. As for how old the boys are here: Dick is 18, Jason 17, Tim 16, Damian 15 and Terry 14. Now I made a mistake with the previous social media posts so I will change the dates and reupload them again.

[twinflameshardcore]

Human-angelic inner war

Firstly, if you are on a verge of breaking up with the true twin, hold on. There’s a strong solar wind operating on Earth now but we felt it earlier and it was very disturbing for senses and mentality during the last 3 days. Our light bodies are lhuge and are anchored in us but spread into the atmosphere and above so we feel everything what’s going on there - solar flares, winds, near-Earth asteroids passing and anything affecting the electro-magnetic field.

I was so angry and sad during the last few days that I only anted to quit with everything and float away into a limbo. The void which was never useful now seems to be the only environment, to close my eyes and forget myself and everything. No drugs.

There’s a mad Mars/Saturn square which will be triggering the ego for 2 weeks. Mars - I am warrior, I’ve my power, I do things my way, I hate being stuck, I’m too impatient to stay and wait any longer. Saturn - I’ve prepared life for you. Participate.

Additionally, there’s Mars in Gemini (my natal :/) which hates feeling ‘abandoned’, ‘misunderstood’ and having no communication with those who it wants to share with. It adds impatience even more. The problem is there’s no motivation, no goals, no missions, everything feels completely dead and it’s irritating. Everything what was t be ditched which felt naturally because our vibration had changed (lower to higher) made us float away from people and places, jobs we no longer felt belonging to. Yet nothing was offered in advance.

This is so frustrating that I’m finding myself beyond myself. I just don’t want to be in my body anymore, not on Earth. I want to be with my galactic family, on a spaceship, detached from anything low vibration. The worst to me are people who do not heal themselves but worry of others. Like that fake service to others. They feel like a big black hole and they can suck in. People who live in the past are another example, they block the energy flow and any progress. You know how it feels if you live in a city which is old and full of museums, and where local and national newspapers return to the past all the time, to dead people, past events, war events. Places where governments spend thousands of $ to build yet another monument for a dead person yet those alive are struggling with establishing own identity and are unable to move on in life because they’re unsupported. Unfortunately it is taking a toll on us now, while we’re literately, energetically forced to detached from lower vibrations, from the dead energy because our own body/soul vibration cannot handle this anymore. The body’s ‘door’ had been closed. The body has no  capacity to process that old vibration yet there’s no where to go as directions, goals were not provided. Andrew Bartzis, the Galactic Historian who has access to his own DNA and deeper knowledge said that a museum is a place which stores blocked energy, and this feels unhealthy. I hate going to museums, I hated it already as I was a child - as students we had to visit a few with a teacher. I felt as if objects of the past tried to suck energy from me because they weren’t left alone, buried underground and I felt dry and depressed when I left outdoor where there was life and motion.

All these made me figure out that currently there’s an inner war between our human and our angelic energies. It may well feel like this:

Human (Mars & Draco origins, 40 years old, dissatisfied, sad, angry, mid-life crisis, feeling like losing it all, follows the brain; complains): You’re aging and you’ve achieved nothing. You were more satisfied having sex with others before you met that ‘twinflame’ but you had lived afar for so many years. It’s making you look old, sad, you stopped going out, stopped meeting people. You’ve never exposed your beauty enough, you’ve never chosen a career, you’ve never left to live in another city or country, you’ve never gone for what you wanted, you’ve wasted all what you are. Look at others, they use life, they move, drive, have connections, families, boyfriends, they go to places. Even people who have talents like you do something about them. And yes, I’ve tried many things but each time they never felt perfect enough.

Angel (Galactic origins, billions years old, sad, dissatisfied but still hoping, subconsciously remembering what he was promised but rewards are not coming, follows the heart): I never knew what I wanted on Earth, this is not my environment. I was always too sensitive to go for the boxed, established, material, stiff, dry and logical = career. I was pushed here yet I was taken away all my former skills which didn’t need any additional learning. Vibrational density here is unbearable, makes me choke. I’m no more able to create with thoughts or will in this density. Humans do not understand my energy, my greatness, my being One with everything, my detachment from the material. Humans want to talk ordinary things instead of sharing great thoughts and ideas. They don’t read others via their hearts, their inner scanner but they judge based on the eyes and the brain. They are non empathetic. Or if they are, they take it wrong again, they look up terms in psychiatry books then then label my behaviors and symptoms. I never knew how to operate amongst humans. I tried to have relationships with similar souls which could lead me to a marriage, family, house etc. None of them lasted long enough to establish anything. I tried to work but they were forcing me to do things which they didn’t pay for, and I didn’t incarnate in that new body to be a slave once more. I want respect as I had as an angel up there. I enjoyed greatly when I met that guy who is my other half and eventhough he feels the same about me, he runs away and he won’t explain why. He discourages me from reaching out, from dreaming of the next, of wanting a marriage, living together etc. and everybody around are telling to do just that - to dream and create. How? He creates blockages fro my dreams to materialize. It needs the two but his human being plays havoc with his angelic. His angelic is not aggressive, won’t force him to do things in tune with our destiny. I’ve been ready to connect into One. All what he does is not in tune with what I remember about him from the old galactic times when we were One and even when we met as humans. The Earth is a beautiful place but its low energy sucks and it distorts humans. I love it when waves of higher vibration come however, they make me feel at home with everything I am and the surrounding. I barely ever resonated with humans here. Do you remember my pictures when I was a few months old? I had hatred in my watery childish eyes for how I had to reincarnate again, not only as a child who had to again learn everything from 0 but also as a woman where I was used to incarnate as a dude before, the dude who was free, raging and was a warrior who comes and takes! This sex change confused me the worst. I met a few humans who were equally fascinating and we had a mental connection. But they have chosen a material life, less wisdom, less knowledge, female partners weaker or stronger than themselves just to control or be humiliated by them. Beauty and aging - remember human when the DNA cleans up, the skin looks older, the body aches, but when it’s purged, the skin looks very fresh, the body feels 20 years younger, and the spirit feels just as it is - immortal. These come in phases. Whatever you try to force me to do, you have to collaborate as we’re two in this body. You want to use life on Earth. You human want to do things but recall that most of the time you took action in the past, you were mislead by dark forces, you set yourself away from your Path because you have a little implant in the brain telling you to self-destruct by giving away your power to others or make wrong choices rather than achieve anything. Thus you have to detach from the head and use my angelic heart only to navigate safely. I, angel want to go back to where I came from, right now. I feel no connections on this planet. I’m more connected to stars, constellations, I know there are beings never seen here yet, who I met, they love me, they know me, they understand my position, they know my history and they feel for me. But they’re told to stay where they are at the time being. They will arrive sometime soon, this was promised. All I enjoy is spreading myself afar, above, and being one with the nature and All that Is. Because I AM Authentic. I believe that my other half returns and we’ll live and create together but he needs to have a human-angelic inner conversation to decide about his return to the ‘better bubble’.

So this is a depiction of a struggle between 3D human and +5D angel. Both don’t now how to live here, both haven’t achieved anything special yet they knew they were meant for something greater, both compare what they were taught/promised and what didn’t happen, both need a goal to get motivated. Both wanted to love but met blockages and discouragement. Both transmute with control and energetically but the results are unseen. The answer is = WTF??

This is such a nasty period of time that we’re forced to go through validations and it seems these are related to known attributes of zodiac signs we’re passing through during the year. I really felt myself when Sun was in Aries. Then I felt I was tossed from a corner to corner or kept ‘underground’, completely stuck for the time of retrogrades. Now with Gemini dominating, I am dealing with a mental chaos. It’s like each moth we’re asked - Are you using this, are you that? Are you free (when Sun in Aquarius)? Are enjoying yourself (Leo)? Are you safe (Taurus)? Are you satisfied with your professional life, achievements (Capricorn & Saturn too)? Have you expressed what is you?(Aries)? What have you created (Pisces)? etc. Overall: What does your heart like - home & family (1 home) or learning other cultures and places through traveling (home everywhere)? Yet even if your human is dramatizing now, look into your eyes in a mirror - you may see somebody else inside of you. Brighter, potent, sharp like a steel, radiating, very DIFFERENT ‘no compromise’ sovereign being. This is your angel replacing the human slowly but permanently. The living diamond within which is like a fluid, ghost, plasma, energy, you name it. I’m really curious how it’s going to play out in June... Every month I receive different energies, so it’s low and high, glimpses of the best, followed by the reality of hopelessness next. I hope it’ll end soon because those mood swings related to the brain and nervous system rewiring are maddening! If you have issues, detach from the head and go in the nature, look at ants, birds, trees, bark, shapes, colors, etc. these make us live in the now.

This post is copyrighted by the author of this blog who prefers to remain anonymous. My posts must not be used for commercial purposes of any kind. Respect my work - ask first before you copy, always include a link back to my site when you quote a part of my writing!

[thedaybrings-blog]

Seeking Some Limited Degree Of Resolution

I am quite certain you received this email and ignored it as you have so many things, just sticking your head in the sand pretending you didn’t do anything wrong and it will all just magically disappear. It seems unlikely you blocked my email, because you obviously crave the attention so much you never blocked me on tumblr even after I followed you, I know you read this blog and probably followed me on here in secret. However, in case you did not receive this when it was originally sent, I will post it here for you and anyone else at work that finds it interesting. I strongly suggest you give serious consideration to the last part of the email.

Sent 12/22/2016

It has been six months’ time since you chose to end our friendship through email on the anniversary of my father’s death instead of fulfilling your promise to finally tell me the truth about how you felt towards me.

I broke a promise to myself in writing you this, because I feel it is important to us both. Even though I have struggled (successfully for the most part) to work through everything and to take ownership of the pain you caused me, I do not believe it is healthy for either of us to leave things the way they ended.

I am not attempting to regain any form of romantic involvement, or convince you to care about my friendship or speak to me in person. We don’t have to hang out, I’m not going to profess my feelings for you, and I won’t expect you to ever hug me or smile at me again. However, I would like to seek some limited degree of resolution with you for the sake of both or our future careers and emotional well-being.

I wish I understood why you did and said the things that you did, or how you could have become so seemingly hateful of me. Perhaps if we were to discuss the issue you might have a different perspective about things you think I did if you got my viewpoint on what I was feeling. And perhaps there are things I can’t get past that I believe you did but would feel differently about if I knew how you felt and heard your motivation for doing them.

Other than asking you to finally be honest with me, I never did a thing but believe in you. I believed every word you said to me. I believed in you that you could do your job when you doubted yourself. I believed in you as a person. I had faith in you.

I trusted you.

In turn, you used me, you manipulated me, lied to me, subjected me to emotional abuse (though I believe you did so unknowingly and as a result of your past experiences that you have yet to work through), you humiliated me, lied about me, and hurt me so severely I don’t believe I will ever fully recover. You simply fucked up my life, and you did not need to do so. You knew I cared about you, wished you no discomfort and had vowed to respect your wishes and only asked that you communicate them to me.

But for months I tried to get you to explain how you felt about me beyond the repetitively aggressive “I really like you” and tell me how you truly viewed me, and you spent so much effort in avoiding being honest with me. I suppose it was foolish of me to not see that if I pressed further you would increase your efforts to avoid the uncomfortable moment of dealing with it directly and telling me the truth that you had been using me. Although I would have understood and it would have been easier on the both of us if you had the courage to do what you had promised.

I am not asking you to answer the following rhetorical questions, but I often contemplate what an honest answer from you would be like: Don’t you ever wonder if it’s possible you may have made a serious mistake? Don’t you ever regret not handling things maturely by keeping your promises to speak to me and work things out like adults? Don’t you ever want the chance to forgive and be forgiven, to move on rather than hide and pretend? Don’t you even feel bad at all about how much you’ve hurt me or about the lies you’ve told about me (from claiming that I went to Marsh multiple times asking about you when we both know Devin S. admitted to having done that, to telling people I followed you around and sat next to you on the couch when you in fact had confronted me about never sitting next to you, or conveniently leaving out key details of our story like me turning you down when you first tried to kiss me or you first taping a note to my car or asking for my number and giving me yours and asking me to call you, or how you cried for an hour and a half in your car begging me not to break things off and then made out with me, or how you used to take my hand and write “I really like you” and draw a heart on it often, or how you repeatedly stated we’d talk about things and then made an excuse to get out of it, and so on)?

I was desperate to keep your friendship. But I know you never truly considered me a friend, and never actually liked me as you claimed to. I won’t attempt to convince you to. You threw away a tremendous friendship that you failed to value and will miss out on, while I only lost the hope of something that did mean a tremendous amount to me but was not real. I understand now that despite what you told me, we never were and never will be real friends.

You might have been lying and pretending the entire time with me. But you are not that skilled at faking it; I know I saw at least a glimpse of the real you. It may be obscured by cowardice, low self-esteem and paranoia, but there is a good person in there, deep down. I know you know what you did to me was wrong.

I believe if you can successfully work on yourself enough to gain the maturity and willingness it takes to accept responsibility, you will one day make a great clinician for children. I still believe in you and I sincerely hope I am right about that. A good start down that path would be being honest with yourself and then telling me at the very least, “This is what I felt at the time, this is what I did, and this is how I feel about it now.”

Everyone tells me that I am an idiot for refusing to write you off as a horrible person. But I chose to believe you are a good person that happened to have made some mistakes that you can recover from if you wish. I am certainly not perfect or without mistakes, but I doubt many people would be willing to forgive you for what you did. I would hope that you can learn from this and find growth and become a better person, and I hope that I can as well. Time will tell what kind of person you chose to be.

I realize you painted yourself into a corner with the false narrative you’ve told about me at work. I am not asking you to apologize or admit any lies. I know you don’t want to do that because it will make you look bad at work, and especially because it means having to admit to yourself that you did something horrible to a good person. But you did, and I am a good person.

Nothing you may have misjudged or incorrectly perceived, whether through baseless paranoia or misunderstanding, and nothing you have intentionally lied about (to yourself or others) changes me. I have always been a good person with integrity and good intentions before you, I was a good person with you and to you, and though you have greatly damaged me, I will always continue to try to be a good person.

I am not your paranoia.

I am not your mental illness.

I am not your lies.

I may have not been valued, but I was a friend.

If we can never be on speaking terms (or at least occasionally manage a brief, minimal, cordial communication online) and I must worry about your reaction if we bump into each other at a school function or outing, the only way I can move forward in repairing the damage you created to my professional future is by speaking out and showing things that would damage your credibility further than you have already done yourself. I do not wish to do that as I have no desire to embarrass or hurt you emotionally like you did me.

It would be nice if we could be on civil terms with each other in order for us both to have a professional future within the same company. Please give real consideration to making an attempt to do that. If we cannot, at some point I will be forced to clear my name from what you did to me. I would prefer to work with you on that in a way that does not negatively affect your career path.

It’s a shame that we never made an attempt to start over like you said you wanted to.

[decadenttimetravelmentality-blog]

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

"Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

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I used to be a 1099 worker but just recently got switched over to a salary but i still do not have health insurance. Are there any affordable health insurance companies out there that ...show more

License in insurance?

What would it be for? How would I go about obtaining one, and is it a solid field to get into? I currently work in member service for health insurance and am looking into getting into a different type, but I see a lot require a license in insurance.""

Car insurance help.first to answer gets best answer.?

I want to get a 2003 Nissan 350z. im worried about insurance cost though. for a 17 year old with no tickets and no wrecks how much do you think car insurance would be? first to answer gets best answer.

""Dose the bank charge insurance for car under 3,000 dollars?

I'm needed a newer car used/wholesale something to fix up. I can't afford full coverage on any vehicle and I heard they don't charge full coverage insurance for cars under 3 grand.

My car insurance is 6000 and im 17 can anybody help pleeeeeeeeese.?

Hi on average my car insurance is 6000. I got these from price comparison wesbites. I am trying to insure a 2002 1.2 litre Vauxhall Corsa, on Third Party Fire and Theft. I am going to do about 10000 miles a year. I live in Lozells Birmingham United Kingdom. Can anybody get my Insurance done for cheaper. I have shopped around so much, i even put my mum on as main driver but it only gets 500 off my insurance. Can anybody help me maybe anyone that work in car insurance.""

How much should an attorney charge for helping someone with an insurance claim? (average charge?)?

I don't wanna over pay. ..and does anybody know any good attorneys?

We are looking for cheeeep insurance?

What is the cheapest insurance available out there?

Insurance costs for two and planning for a baby?

Hello Gurus, I am getting my wife to the USA and i should buy insurance since we are planning to have a baby. Any suggestions on which insurance to go with? I need a good coverage and affordable too. Any help greatly appreciated. Thanks, Raj Thanks, Raj""

Question about motorcycle insurance.?

I was wondering if anyone could tell me, on average, although there are multiple considerations...how much difference would there be in monthly insurance premiums between a 500cc bike compared to a 650cc bike? I heard that its actually quite a bit of difference, as I think I've heard that anything less than 600 is quite less than anything above 600cc's. I was just wondering if anyone could confirm this, and hopefully give me some estimated figures. Thank you""

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Car insurance question?

i had a non fault accident for which the claim is still ongoing as the 3rd party is not admitting liability and we both are with same insurance. The problem is that our car is booked in for repairs but and we have fully comprehensive insurance but the insurance is saying that they cannot guarantee us courtesy car as no one is admitting liability??? and they told me to phone hire company to ask them if they can provide one, i have always thought that with fully comp you are guaranteed courtesy car but i do not understand what they are doing.""

How much do you pay for:car insurance? Home insurance? Furnishing your first apartment?

How much do you pay for:car insurance? Home insurance? Furnishing your first apartment?

What insurance information do I need for my driver's test?

The DMV specified I need insurance information...

Does anyone know where a couple in their early 60's might find affordable insurance.?

We had really great insurance but, it went up from a little less than $600.00 to over $1000.00. We cannot afford that.""

Which insurance companies will let me drive other cars whilst fully comp at 21?

Which insurance companies will let me drive other cars whilst fully comp at 21?

If my auto insurance cancel how much grace period is there after the due date?

If my auto insurance cancel how much grace period is there after the due date?

""An insurance company will insure a $260,000 home for its total value for an annual premium of $590. If the com?""

An insurance company will insure a $260,000 home for its total value for an annual premium of $590. If the company spends $30 per year to service such a policy, the probability of total loss for such a home in a given year is 0.001 and you assume either total loss or no loss will occur, what is the company's expected annual gain (or profit) on each such policy? I think maybe 300$?""

How much would car insurance be for a 19 year old teen with plenty of tickets?

How much would car insurance be for a 19 year old teen with plenty of tickets?

Cheap V8 cars to buy? (under $15k)?

I am looking to buy my first car in about April and I need something cheap to start with as I will be selling it for a better car once I make the money. I am going to start working after April so need a cheap car to get to work. I have always been interested in V8's because of the sound. I would like a 4 door too. What do you have in mind?

Do you have to have car insurance to drive a motorbike or a car?

hi there i was wondering do i have to have car insurance to drive a motorbike or a car ? oh and how much do you think they would charch a 19 year old guy oh and do i pay weekly or monthly or yearly ?

What is the cheapest auto insurance for college students?

There are so many companies I can't check them all. I should mention that I live in Michigan. I'm not a full time student so I generally don't apply for those discounts. But I have a clean driving record and have had my license for almost six years. So far I have found the esurance is the cheapest. But I was wondering if there is anything cheaper out there?

Unemployment insurance disadvantage? california?

is there any negative impact if you file for UI???

..new driver in CA? insurance?

does the DMV automatically alert your insurance company that theres a new driver? or do you have to yourself? and if i havent yet, what happens if i get pulled over? should i not be driving?""

Planning ahead for car insurance ADVICE.?

OK, So I have recently passed my driving test and am now currently trying to sort out a car for myself. As a young driver I know insurance is high. All I want to do is find out how much the insurance is on each small car, so I can find the cheapest. E.G KA ETC. I have looked online such as confused.com and they ask you for the number plate and ask questions about the specific car. Obviously I can't fill it in because I haven't got one. Is there a website that will show all insurance companies and their prices????? Many thanks.""

Insurance Card?

Is it true that your insurance company can refuse to cover you if you didn't have possession of your card in the car at the time of the accident? This is what I was told by a police officer at the scene. (I have a valid insurance policy, but I just didn't have the card there.)""

I have an insurance question?

I was a passenger in an auto accident, and I am supposed to receive a payout from the drivers auto insurance. However I am concerned whether or not my heath insurance(who paid for my medical bills), will be able to access that money that was offered to me by the auto insurance company. Will they be chasing after the money for reimbursement?""

What are the different kinds of insurance out there?

I know there are some insurance that is offered as benefits by your employer such as medical insurance and Dental insurance. By how do you get insurance such as car insurance, Home owners insurance. By the way what is home owners insurance. I might go to become a nurse I know a doctor definitely needs it but how do you get malpractice insurance. What is auto insurance? What are the other different kinds of insurance out there that is necessary to make a living with out in this world. How do you get some of these insurance too. I know medical insurance covers like doctor visits and hospital stays. Dental insurance covers Dentist appointments. Car insurance is suppose to cover if you get into an accident and I believe if your at fault of it your insurance goes way up and what I mean is it is more money you have to pay them. How would you get car insurance. What is home owners insurance, and Auto insurance. What is Life insurance. I know it is usually offered by your employee.""

Car insurance for a 17year old.?

Ok, The car I'm going for when I'm 17 is a 2002 PEUGEOT 307 1.4 16V S [AC] 3dr Hatchback. It was 8337.01 for car insurance on Auto Trader (The cheapest). I was intending placing it on my fathers name (Although I was told it was supposingly illegal, but I won't be doing anything dangerous, and I have drove a few cars before (onboardtraining.co.uk etc..)) I was also told about i-kube, but I can't drive between 11pm and 5am, which could be a massive concern for me as I may need to go out at night for emergencies. Is there any way I could actually get quite cheap insurance? I was really into the idea of puttiing it on my dads name and splitting the insurance money with him every annual. Looking for Alternative ways or tips of lowering my insurance (I will still be in full time education when I get the car) Thanks. Any help is appreciated.""

Will the healthcare reform change the age limit on children on parents insurance?

I'm 25 and one of the great things about the affordable care act was that I was allowed on my parents insurance until I'm 26... Will this change? I'm still in school and there is no way I can afford insurance on my own!!!

""When you get car insurance, is it the car itself that's insured, the person, or...?

does each person in the household have to get insurance for each car they use?

How much more is it to insure two personal cars vs. one?

I am just one guy, I live by myself and nobody drives my car but me. I keep insurance on it but conditions may turn out that I will end up with a 2nd car. I would ultimately drive them both and have them insured but how much is it for one person to insure a 2nd car? Is it (premium of one car) X 2 or more like 1.5(P) I hope this wouldn't be too expensive and make it not worth it.""

What the lowest someone can get on Social Security Disability Insurance?

The one where you have worked at least a few years. I read that if you don't make more than $700 then SSI will kick in and give you the rest is that true, do you have to apply for it after the fact or is it already done for you? My husband is working on getting disability, he worked several years but his income was not continuous, he never kept a job for very long (He's Bipolar) anyways, we are trying to figure out about how much to expect he will get once it gets approved. I'm just hoping it's not like $300 a month because that's not really that helpful when we are just barely scraping by as it is. Anything will help but I am hoping this will let us breath a little and enable us to own a home for once.""

Motorbike insurance?

barclays motorbike insurance

Unemployment Insurance in California?

I currently receive unemployment insurance. On the check stub it states that my claim expires on 07/2008, although the balance noted on there is less than what I usually receive. I believe its because the 6 month period has ended. My questions is, can I reopen up the claim? Am I still eligible to receive my unemployment insurance until my claim has expired which is 07/2008? I was told that you can claim unemployment insurance for a year, so I don't understand why I only received it for 6 months. I was with my previous employer for 7 years, so it's not like I worked wherever for a short period of time. And I am actively seeking a job, although I have a few expectations so I haven't accepted any offers plus I'm a single mother and I have to work around my parent's schedule cause its way too expensive to leave my daughter at a decent daycare that I can trust. Hopefully someone out there can help me with a few information.""

Car insurance admin charges?

hi i am having problems with my car insurance people i had to get a car as i am disabled .i am on benefits i told the insurance people that my benefits come in on the 27 after midnight .but they tried to take the money on the 26 instead of the 28 .as i did not have the money in my bank .i was also charged by my bank ..i phoned them on the 28 and tried to pay the car insurance and told them i would have to sort out the admin charges another time but they would not take the money ,they said i would get a letter to in 7 days to tell me when i can pay the whole amount ..plus the admin charges ,its 140 .this is interfering with my other bills can you advise please no silly replies thank you .""

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Life Insurance Policies???

What is the best life insurance company to go with so that my wife and children will have something in the event of my death?

I have 10 years old car and 1200cc and international driving licence. how much insurance to pay in london?

I have 10 years old car and 1200cc and international driving licence. how much insurance to pay in london?

Is a 1994 Eagle Talon Esi good for a teen Insurance and Saftey wise?

Hi I am look at an 1994 Eagle Talon and I thinking about buying it. But is it a good car for a teen just for a daily driver? How about the insurance rates will it be high?

Car accident insurance wont pay?

Its been about 1 month since the car accident happen a police cruiser tea boned another group of serial killers into a group of cars one car total and others with heavy damage.one of the passengers died two were injured in the crash.we have tried getting a layer but the only thing they say is that they cant really be anything done cause there was a death.we called the insurance but they said that they could not do anything they need it a police report and police wont release the report there because of one death and the case is still under investigation.one month passed we called again and they told us that all of the owners of the cars that were hit had not reported and did not know how to spit what the insurance money covers. now my parents are worried they might not be able to fix there car and not get anything at all we have no idea what to do except keep calling the car insurance.my parents were going to get together with the other drivers to see what they can do. but so far only time has passed and they have not done anything or have gotten anything from the insurance.

Driving on someone elses car insurance?

I'm 18 and shopping for car insurance and the quotes are ridiculous, (like 280 a month for minimal coverage). However would it be possible/legal to have my girlfriend who is 20 and in college be the legal owner of the car and have the car under her policy, but I drive it daily and still be covered? The insurance quotes for her are MUCH cheaper, like (40 a month). The reason I'm asking is because a friend of mine told me that as long as the car I'm driving is insured by someone, and I'm driving with their consent, I'm insured. Is this true?""

How much home insurance & tax for a cheap studio?

I know 0 about this: are home insurance rates annual or monthly? Could someone give me just a very rough idea about how much a cheap studio's home insurance & tax would cost? (in upstate ny)

What is the cheapest Sr22 insurance in california?

I am 20 years old Dwv suspended my liscense for a year,i payed all my ticket fees,they were all mostly speeding,i had a total of 6 points on my record.where can i find cheap liabilty insurance?""

Cheapest Vans to insure?

Hi, I was looking into getting a van as a first car, ideally I was after something like a van/car cross, basically an estate with no back windows, I'm not sure of the group. I was wondering what decent vans are out there and what would be cheapest to insure? The main reason for wanting a van is I regularly surf and would sleep in the back occasionally.""

How much would insurance cost for a 22 year old to be insured with his mother?

My mum has been driving for 24 years . The car I want to be a secondary driver is the Honda Jazz 2004 which is 1.3 Litre. How much is insurance looking to cost around?

How much would car insurance be for an 18 year old in Ontario?

I am an 18 year old living in the Windsor area in Ontario, Canada. I was wondering approximately how much car insurance for me would be. I've been driving for 2 years, never had an accident, speeding ticket, etc. I've also taken drivers ed.""

Cheapest car for a learner driver to insure?

my mums insurance wont insure anyone under 21 and my dads insurance want just under 3000, so i wondered which would be the cheapest car for a learner driver to insure? thanks xxx""

How much would insurance be for a seventeen year old female driving 1999 Chevrolet?

I am sixteen i turn seventeen soon. My grandma will not keep me on her insurance About how much will insurance be for me as a 17 year old female driving a 1999 Chevrolet

My daughter was in a multi vehicle car accident and i cant seem to find an estimate for car insurance?

It was a 2001 hyundai elantra. My insurance was 9 star. My daughter just turned 21 and wasen't given permission to drive the car.

Auto insurance involuntarily cancelled?

I got a new auto insurance begining June. And I had an hail damage and hit and run case towards the end of June. On July 30 there was an accident, other person involved was at fault as he rear-ended my car. I reported all these occurances. I get a involuntary cancellation of the auto insurance policy after a couple of days. They sent me this notice and also made me aware of the right to dispute this with the State commisoner for Insurance. Now, when I go shopping for new insurance, I get an increased premium quote. None of the reported claims are my fault and I do not know if I have to dispute this case with the commisioner for insurance or not and not sure how much money I have to spend towards it. Please advice what to do in this situation, thank you in advance.""

Trying to find cheap car insurance?

I am looking for a decent cheap quote for car insurance, I'm 18, male and my car is a 2001 Ford Fiesta Flight 3 Door 1.3L. I'm being quoted around 3000 upwards, this is my first car as ive only just passed my test on friday 6th january 2012. please give me some help, thanks.""

Where can I get the cheapest motorcycle insurance quote for a brand new VESPA?

I'm 20 years old and looking into buying a vespa to use in Toronto! Looking for the cheapest insurance possible!

Is it misandric that young men have to pay more for car insurance?

I mean, its noted that young men tend to have more severe accidents, than women and older men - but isnt this just another case of generalising based on age and sex? A similar generalisation made about women, would have caused an uproar and certainly no policies would have been based on such generalisations about women - as it would face immediate protest, then why is it OK to generalise young men like this? Source : http://education.yahoo.net/auto-insurance/articles/why_do_men_pay_more_for_car_insurance.htm""

How much will my parents car Insurance go up when I get my drivers licence?

I live In Missouri, by the way. Doesn't the Insurance automatically go up for them?""

Auto Insurance Quote?

I am 16 years old living in California and I am newly licensed. I have a 4.167 GPA, am a female, and I drive a paid off car. What is a reasonable insurance quote?""

Would my insurance go down if i trade in an 08 liberty or an 2012 patriot?

I currently have an 08 liberty that we got screwed buying, the gentleman that works at the same dealership is going to try and reverse the loan however which is a good thing. i was wondering though if from previous experience would my insurance go up or stay the same. the liberty we have now has several features. (convertable sunroof, built in media center etc.) where as the patriot doesnt have those features.""

How much do you pay for auto insurance?

I just spent a few hours getting an auto insurance quote from a number of companies. I got a real good rate ($573 for a whole year) for our 2004 car and all the extras. I think this is a pretty good rate but wonder if others are paying more or less. How much are you paying?

What auto insurance should I have for a car that stays in garage?

I live in California, I do have a car that I am not using anymore and it stays in the garage until I decide to sell it. By California law, is there any law that you must have insurance for car? even if it is not being used. if there is a law then what is my best options for auto insurance? Thanks, I appreciate any answer!""

Collision claim - will your insurance go up?

I hit a pole the other day with the side of my truck. There were no other cars involved and there are just a few scratches and one big dent. If my insurance company (Allstate) pays to fix it under my collision coverage will my rates go up? I know I have to pay the deductable - just wondering if my monthly payments will be higher.

How much will my car insurance go up?

I received a speeding ticket today i was doing 56 on a 30 : /...balls. Now I obviously know that car insurance rates are different for everyone so i called my insurance company today and they said that my insurance would roughly go up by 2 points and that each point is roughly 100$ dollars each... I forgot to ask if that meant i would be paying 200$ plus each month or for the entire year, i tried calling again but they closed for the weekend. Anyone know or have an idea? I pay 125$ a month now, could I really end up paying 325 a month?!""

""It's mandatory in California to have auto insurance at ALL times, am I right?""

If yes, to whom can I go to, in order to check the validity of the car's insurance policy? A car hit me last Tuesday (I was a pedestrian). I am gonna be reporting the incident to a DMV office tomorrow. Will they give me the insurance information of the car? The other party didn't give me insurance information on the vehicle.""

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Why are my insurance quotes higher when I list an accident I was not at fault for?

I've been getting online insurance quotes lately because I am getting a new car that will be more expensive to insure and I think my insurance now is already too high. So as part ...show more

How much would it up my car insurance if I started a weekend driving school business?

I currently pay about $700 per car.

Car insurance denied claim because they cannot contact its insured.?

Hi. On April first, my neighbor hit my dad's car in our neighborhood. Our garages are facing each other, and my dad was going backwards to get out of our garage. He was already in the street and he was ready to go in his way. Suddenly, our neighbor back out from her garage very fast and hit the driver door of my car. She didn't stay in that position, she moved and my dad did the same. The white bumper of her van had no visible damages, but my door needs to be replaced. Also, there is white paint in car in the place she hit it. We asked for her insurance, but she didn't have it in that moment. We wrote the plate number and took some quick pictures. I called my insurance to report the accident. In the night, when she returned home, we asked for her insurance, but she refused. We called the police and she agreed to give us her insurance information. In fact, she wrote the information herself. I called her insurance(Geico) the next day, and she had already made a claim, and she only said she didn't hit my car; she didn't give more details. My dad gave his version of the accident with a lot of details, but she didn't do it. Her Insurance tried to contact her, but there is no answer from her. I see her everyday, so I am sure is not responding on purpose. Now, her insurance called me and told me that because she is not responding, there is no way to confirm she was involved in the accident. therefore, they denied liability. I was shocked because they took that decision only because they cannot contact her. They didn't came to take pictures of the place or the cars. So, I tell them I was going to send the pictures I took. I did send the pictures but now, the adjuster is not in his office, and he will be back next week on Thursday. Right now, I don't know what to do, I could pay for the reparation of my car, but I don't believe that's fair. Please, if someone can guide me with this case. What can I do?""

How much is motorcycle insurance ?

How much is it if your 18 and have no accidents or tickets. Any cheap insurance companies? And it's not a sport bike or anything, just a normal starter bike that only goes about 100mph.""

Car insurers recommendations?

hi there people, Since passing my test in December, I have been looking to buy (and insure) a car. Shortly I will be able to afford a little run around and have been getting insurance quotes for cars like the Fiesta and Corsa. I have noticed that over the last few months comparison site quotations have jumped from an average of 1800 to 3000 for someone in my circumstances. I have read and understand why car insurance has been hiked up, no win no fee claims are more popluar, fraud and bogus claims and economic recession are responsible for a massive increase in car insurance premiums...Im so angry at these things. I cannot believe this as I though 1800 was extortionate to begin with. I have found Elephant insurance who are quoting me reasonable prices however, back to around the 1800 mark. Please can you recommend any other good car insurers for first time drivers. I am 33 and live in Manchester England. All the big name insurance sites that appear on comparison sites see like a rip off, so any smaller insurers you have had experience of would be useful;, Thanks.""

Why no free health or low cost insurance ?

Do you suppose one of the reasons why we have no Free insurance in the USA is so society keep people working ?

How much should a family budget for insurance?

disability,life,homeowners,car,umbrella""

""I am 18 and can't find car insurance under 2000, does anyone know anywhere?

its insurance for a toyota yaris 2003 Y reg 3 door hatch back for an 18 year old boy with a 1 month old full uk lisence.

What cool yet cheap car is suitable for a 17 year old boy?

I was thinking a classic mini cooper maybe? they got really cheap insurance but tbh I shudder probs look at life insurance not car insurance. I saw the MG ZR and that's cheap and looks good and with airbags... what do u reckon?

What is the *cheapest* car insurance for a 20 year old female driver in TX?

I'm going to pay. I don't have any close family that can put me under their insurance, so please give me the CHEAPEST choice... Thank you.""

Which is the best Life Insurance for a 33 year old?

I have family of 1 child

""Anyone with Progressive, are they a good reliable insurance?""

I am thinking of switching to them, due to a good rate and seems like a decent coverage. Has anyone had any problems with their insurance though?""

Is there a car insurance that will give a young driver a reasonably quote?

i recently purchased a mk1 ford fiesta. theres no mods to the car and tax wise i think its a classic. its a 1984. i have wanted a mk1 fiesta for years now and its the car i want to drive. im 17 and the cheapest quote on any car ive been given is 2000. are there any companies that will give me a good quote on my fiesta

Cheapest method for car insurance for 17 year old male?

Cheapest method for car insurance for 17 year old male?

Not paying car insurance?

I have currently had my permit for 13 months and I am 20 years old. My mother inlaw was telling me I could get something called my fleet affidavids license and I wouldn't have to cover insurance on the car i'm driving as long as I have the same last name that is on the insurance. I honestly can't be expected to pay insurance when i'm just now getting my license and had no transportation what so ever to get a job to make money for insurance. Does anybody know anything about fleet affidavids license or have any information that might help me out? I can't afford insurance.

Car insurance cheaper at 17 or mid 20's?

im 17 in January and getting my driving lessons for my birthday - when and if I pass I'm not getting a car till I'm in my 20's. will the insurance be cheaper when I'm mid 20's than it would be at 17?

""Help! If my car insurance deductible is $750 and repairs cost $489, How much will the insurance company pay?""

My car was vandalized. The adjuster sent me an estimate for $489. This is lower than my deductible. Does this mean that the insurance company does not have to pay anything? If so, i'm going to find some better insurance.""

What is general insurance?

i want to know abt general insurance.

Exceptional First Car With Low Insurance?

I am straight 'A' student, and I have completed the Driver's Education course at my highschool. My family does not really make that much money, but my parents would like to buy me a car at an exceptional rate. I am probably only going to live in Florida for another year, and then I am moving out to California. Depending on what type of car I decide to get, I don't know if I will be taking it with me or not. My mom wants to buy me a brand new car, meaning a current 2008-09 model, but I keep explaining to her that it's very hard to find a cheap new model (unless someone knows something I don't?). I would just like some third party input on this decision. What is the best car company, and what car model would have the lowest insurance rate? I have tried researching Mazda, Acura, Nissan, and Honda, because I prefer these companies; however, I haven't had any luck because I'm so new to shopping for a vehicle. I like hybrids, and it would help if I am able to get a car with great mileage as well. Of course, I'm sure many of you know this is because of our depleting economy, lol. Ok, I don't mean to make this a book, I'm just trying to give as much information as I can so I can maybe get a clear answer. Thanks in advance =).""

How much will Insurance cost me?

I'm 16, and I want to buy the 2012 Ford Mustang GT. I live in a nice area where the auto theft is low. I live in nothern Ohio if that makes a difference. And my parents are not paying for my insurance. Can any 1 give be a ball park estimate on a 16 year old with a sports car?""

Do you need insurance to drive a car?

i live in alberta and i am wondering do you have to get insurance in order to drive a car will you be in trouble if you drive without insurance?????

How much would a 17 year old new driver roughly be paying for insurance?????????????????????...

for a reasonable priced small car, maybe push the boat out and go for a slightly sporty hatchback, maybe honda civic 1.6 sport what roughly do new drivers pay any other persons experiences???""

How much is car insurance for a 23 year old male in Ontario?

How much is car insurance for a 23 year old male in Ontario? Hi I am thinking about buying a car in the $3000-$6000 used car range. Can someone give me a rough estimate or range as to how much it would cost me for insurance? I have never had an accident and have no recent demerit points on my record. So I have a clean driving record. And I am only interested in the required by law insurance.

Question about car insurance.?

I just got my drivers permit, and i don't have a car of my own, my finance has been teaching me to drive in his car, and said once i get my license his parents will let me drive one of there old cars. I don't really know how car insurance works.. my finance is still on his family's insurance, since they get a discount for multiply cars (they have 5). My question is, would there insurance cover me driving there car? or would i have to get my own plan? and can i get a plan on a car i don't own?""

Should Keep or Look into term Life Insurance Quotes?

I have a whole life policy which I have been paying 45.00 per month for 16 yrs. I have to pay this amount until age 99 so they say. The amount it was for when I bought it was 50,000. It builds cash value. I am now 62. Should I keep this policy or look into term insurance?""

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

Madera California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 93639

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-does-insurance-cost-super-cars-gregory-burke/"

[maximumskittles-blog]

What would you do in this situation?

My bf and I had been dating for 3 1/2 years, but broke up in January. In August, we decided to try again. Things were going good, however I noticed that I was putting in much more effort than he was. I pretty much felt unappreciated and that I was putting in more effort than he was. I was paying for our dates, doing all of the driving, making the plans, etc. I don’t mind doing those things, but I do mind when I’m the only one doing them or when he doesn’t even offer to do anything. I brought this up to him, and he said I was right and that he just didn't notice or really think about it. This convo was partly on the phone while driving to his house, and then we continued the convo once I got there. When I got there, I noticed he had texted me “I will take you out to dinner, what do you want.” I didn’t read it until I got to his house, and by then it was 10pm. He said that he went to the ATM in the 15 minutes in-between time that we didn't talk, which I thought was fishy for the time of night, but he insisted it was what he did so I believed him. I told him to just save the money for the next day since it was so late. We had a long talk about the situation, about me feeling unappreciated and as if I was putting in all the effort. How he would always say that he never had money, yet could buy cigarettes and drinks for him and his friends, and I told him what he spent money on was a matter of priorities. He refused to take money out of his savings, which he said he had $5000, and I understood that, it was just he would always blow his spending money the day before I would come out to his house. I wasn’t asking him to spend all of his money on me, just maybe take me to the movies or to dinner or something. Nothing extravagant, just the normal things people do in a relationship for each other.

The next day, I said I was going to get some coffee and he handed me a $20 bill and said "buy anything you want, don't worry about it." I thought it was nice that he was finally trying, even if it was just a cheap cup of coffee from Tim Horton’s. I come back to his house (he lives at his two friends’ house) and go to give him the change back, and he tells me to keep it for later that day. He tells me that we cannot do anything until a certain time because one of his friends wanted to talk to him about something. Eventually the friend came home, and she asked whether or not he wanted to talk with me in the same room or not, so they went out onto the front porch. Standing in another room, I slowly hear her raise her voice and hear the argument (I have terrible hearing, so I couldn’t make out exactly what was being said). She then comes into the room I'm in and tells me that he stole money out of her wallet and that he’s been doing shady things. I walked to where he was, and at first he said he "didn't want to tell me" what happened, but then I said what his friend had said, and he admitted it. I asked if the $20 he had given me earlier was what he took, and he said yes, so I gave him back the change and dumped out the rest of my coffee, realizing that it wasn’t even his money that bought me it. He said he was being kicked out of his friends' house now. At this point, I have no clue how to react, I had a million thoughts going through my brain, so I just stayed calm. He said that he didn’t know what to do at this point. I told him that all he can do is hold his head high and lay in the bed that he made.  We go inside to start packing his things up, and I notice he puts another $20 down on top of the change I had just given back to him. I said “I thought you said you only took the $20 you gave me” and he said something like he thought I was just referring to the change, which I think was kind of bullshit. I told him that he should personally give his friend the money back, not just leave it on the counter for her, and so he did. When he gave her the money back, she had said “you have stolen from me in many different ways,” and those words still run through my head for I wonder what she meant by that. Still, I helped him pack up his stuff into my vehicle, and drove him home to his parents. I helped him unload, and we walked around his property. He said he was sorry and that he knew he had messed up. He said he would understand if I broke up with him or needed a break. I told him that I didn’t know what to think at that point. That I wanted to still hang out with him, but I knew that I shouldn’t. So, I went home. Its been three weeks now and we have hung out twice. He has bought me flowers and dinner since, I just don't know what to feel. We haven’t been able to really talk about it in person because we have no private moments. I don’t want it to escalate into a fight, so I didn’t want to talk about it in public. Also, I don’t want to ruin the only time we get to spend together. He works midnights and lives about 30 minutes away and I work during the day so its hard to organize a day to hang out. We have been though so much together and this was supposed to be our "fresh start" after we broke up back in January. The first week after this all happened, he wasn’t putting any effort into the relationship, he claimed because he “figured I was going to leave him again.” I was the one calling him, texting him, trying to talk to him, and it hurt that he didn’t feel like fighting for us. I told him that he should be trying to make things up. He said that if I was going to leave him, then “what was the point.” That hurt. I explained that if he thinks that, he obviously can’t see my worth and that I shouldn’t have to prove myself to him. He eventually said that he loves me and will really try. Also, to try and understand why he didn’t just go up to the ATM and instead took someone else’s money, I asked if he really did have as much as he said in his saving’s account, and he said that he did and that he was just selfish.  He had flowers delivered to my house last week and took me to a diner, which I appreciated, but the whole time I felt anxious. He tried kissing me, I just don’t feel attracted to him anymore and I feel bad that i feel that way. I just don’t feel the same since he lied to me and fooled me. He lied to me about going to the store ATM, he sent me off with dirty money and pretended like he was treating me, and told me to keep the change for later. He really did fool me. It wasn’t just a single lie. He took advantage of my trust. And its not just about me, he screwed over his two friends that provided him a home and also helped him get a new job. He promised me so much at the beginning of our second relationship, and I really trusted his words, giving him the benefit of the doubt and also giving my all. Its hard to feel attracted/want to kiss someone who has lied to you and fooled you. I haven’t told him those things because I don’t want to offend him or make him feel insecure. 

He currently lives with a different friend who drives him to his job because he doesn’t have a car (which is why he stays there). I had moved him back into his parent’s house, and all he told them was that he and his roommates got into an argument and he left, which honestly irks me because he is lying to them. His family really likes me, and was so happy that we had gotten back together. I love them too, so it is hard to think of not seeing them again because it was hard not talking to them the first breakup. I know I was made to look like the bad-guy our first breakup, even though there were many reasons I had to break up with him in the first place. 

I just don’t know what to do. I had given him a second chance because when we first broke up, I had kind of done it unexpectedly I guess, and I just never felt like things were finished. There was so much left unresolved and I wanted to try one more time. I thought we had been and were being honest with each other. At the beginning of our second relationship, he had brought issues that he knew he had without me having to say anything, and I really thought that he had learned from mistakes and realized what needed to change, so I believed that he had matured. 

We talked about it this morning, and I told him that part of me resents him for lying to and fooling me. It came up because he noticed that I wasn’t being enthusiastic when he was telling me how good he was at his job the past few days. He claimed that I didn’t care, and I told him I did care, it was just hard to show enthusiasm because of the feelings I was having. He told me that I should show enthusiasm and that we should be supporting each other. That his life changed in a day and that he is just trying to get things together. I told him that I do support him and have said that I am happy he got a new job and all, but it was his choice that changed his life. He said that he “doesn’t have forever” for me to forgive him or get over my resentment. He brought up how much he struggled after I left him the first time and that I don’t really know how bad it was for him when we were apart. The conversation got cut short because I had to get lunch with my grandma at a scheduled time. 

We are supposed to go to a wedding reception this weekend, which I was not originally invited to, however he and his close family are really trying to get me to be able to go. They even offered to pay the bride/groom whatever it would cost to get me a seat. I know they love me and I love them, it just sucks because if I did end things, I look like the bad-guy once again. I have such a guilty conscience, and I felt terrible for ending things in the first relationship even though it was necessary. 

Is there anyone out there that has been though anything similar or can offer some advice? It would help greatly, thanks. (Also, thanks for reading all of that lol)