#how we perceive and understand ourselves and others and the world changes all the time

[cl0ckworkqueerness]

in the wake of the reveal of the "pills that make you green" comic's creator revealing her true colours (something I've been aware of for a while but haven't had much specifically to speak about until now), i think it's important to take a step back and look at some of her claims about transandrophobia, as well as many anti-transandrophobia (or transandrophobic) talking points, and analyze them critically without, in any way, demeaning transmisogyny as a concept. let's start with some of the things i've seen on her blog and go from there

first of all, there's a lot of talk about how activists who are vocal about transandrophobia are "derailing" conversations about transmisogyny. while i'm certain there are some legitimate examples, many of the examples i have seen that i presume she is referring to are speaking about her comics that specifically strawman the stick figure who is an allegory of a trans man or transmasculine individual.

in these comics, this stick figure is often unjustly cruel and even oppressive of the lime stick figure, an allegory for trans women or transfeminine individuals, while simultaneously whining about how they also experience oppression and should be focused on instead. this frames trans men and transmasculine individuals as loud, taking up space, oppressing transfeminine people (who are More Oppressed), and simply cannot understand that they do not face as terrible of treatment as the other.

the problem that most people, myself included, take with this is that the author seems to be living in an alternate world where trans men, somehow, are a legitimate, strong, oppressive force over trans women, and want to take up all the space in the trans community's discussion to ourselves. there are definitely people who abuse the term transandrophobia to say transmisogynistic things, without a doubt, but in my experience most of us simply want to say that we, too, experience terrible types of oppression as a result of intersectionality that a trans woman, transfeminine, or trans person who's perceived as either of those things may not experience. transandrophobia is not meant to overtake transmisogyny, it is meant to stand beside transmisogyny and further prove that different trans people can experience different types of oppression, and thus should unite against both.

another thing i've seen on the comic author's account is how the idea of androphobia is anti-feminist and comes from MRAs or something, which... uh, again, i don't know what planet you're living on, but here on earth, there are men who are discriminated against and even treated with violence because of their ties to masculinity, femininity, both, or neither. and again, it is not our problem if MRAs decide to appropriate actual, useful terms in order to spread misogyny. we should not have to keep changing our language every time a bad person uses it. if we did, we would have no language, and thus once again be silenced.

since i don't have the time or the spoons to go through everything she's ever said or reblogged on her account, i'll just go over one more thing. no, the discussion and desired visibility of transandrophobia is not some kind of psyop or massive conspiracy to kill the idea of transmisogyny. if we didn't believe in transmisogyny, we'd have no reason to believe in transandrophobia either, after all. for me, at least, talking about transandrophobia is equally as important because trans men, like myself, have been forced into silence for so long and erased from most of history. trans men weren't even well documented until much, much later in history.

additionally, i doubt this needs to be said, but if any of you are actually intentionally ignoring transmisogyny in your discussion of intersectionality, you have no place in this discussion

and finally, to the author of these comics, i doubt you're reading this, but if you are, please reconsider your hostility. framing the discussion around transandrophobia in the way you are is not only equating trans people who face detrimental oppression to the people who are trying to oppress us and force us into silence, but you too are actively advocating for the silencing and erasure of, and subsequently the lack of resources for, trans men, transmasculine individuals, trans people who are perceived as either of these things, or anyone who primarily faces transandrophobia. i don't blame you for being defensive, and i will absolutely take your side should anyone be transmisogynistic towards you or anyone else, but you don't have to drag trans men who just want to talk about our shared experiences through the mud in order to support your point of transmisogyny's danger, especially within the trans community. if you want to have a genuine, mature discussion about transandrophobia and its dangers, and transmisogyny within the trans community, i'm sure someone would be happy to discuss that with you. but with the way you're treating and talking about trans men, it is unlikely that you will take anyone up on that offer

idk man. i feel like it's important to talk about transmisogyny and transandrophobia at the same time, as well as all other forms of intersectionality. we should be turning transphobes into couches instead of whatever the hell this is

[daretoassume]

the conscious and the unconscious

we all manifest from the day we are born. the only difference is that when we are younger, we unconsciously manifest things into fruition, unaware that we are doing so. but how can we create our life consciously?

unconscious creation

this is where we are not aware that we are manifesting simply because we don't know anything about manifestations, or we don't believe that things we constantly think about and that come out of our mouths manifest at some point.

sometimes, we manifest good things unconsciously; perhaps we believe in something that will come and feel good about it. but mostly, when we have not had a good childhood or environment, and negative people surrounded us, we had no choice as a child but to absorb all those negative energies and narratives. we eventually act like them even though we don't want to grow up like them. negative situations become familiar to us to the point that favorable conditions are unlikely to occur.

most of the people we are surrounded by as children have this "victim mentality." they believe that life happens TO them, not that life happens FOR THEM. they have a negative outlook on life, and other people, as though the world is against them. they feel helpless and desire to be in control because they believe that bad things will persist. guess what? that kind of mentality will continue and manifest until they change their way of thinking, their thoughts, and their beliefs.

"until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and call it fate." ♱ carl jung

but we don't have to blame those who taught us a negative way of thinking; perhaps it is our parents, siblings, relatives, or friends. they only teach us what they know; they are not aware. would they teach us something like the law of assumption, the law of attraction, spirituality, or self-love if they knew it?

no, they are not aware, and they are probably raised in a similar manner by their parents; additionally, trauma and circumstances in life shape how we perceive the world.

conscious creation

this is where we become aware that our dominant thoughts and feelings create our reality. we start to become aware of our thoughts and beliefs. at first, it will feel very uncomfortable because it is hard to believe that we create our own reality, especially when we come from a hostile environment for years, perhaps most of our childhood. but this is the point at which we do inner work because we want to unlearn those negative experiences and limiting beliefs from our childhood.

how do we turn the unconscious into the conscious?

1. awareness

you would not be here reading this if you were not aware, so good job on that. awareness is about recognizing that we are separate from our thoughts; we simply observe them as they interact. it is about reflecting on whether a thought serves us better or not. if we are aware of our trauma and limiting beliefs, we will likely engage in healing to unlearn them. it is always our responsibility to heal.

2. change the negative narratives

create narratives that are just as true as the negative ones. if you think about it, "i need to work hard to survive" and "i don't have to work hard to survive" are both equally valid. sometimes, changing our sentences, our narratives, and how we talk to ourselves in our minds can alter how we perceive our reality and our feelings.

3. state of being > new personality > new personal reality

i learned this concept from dr. joe dispenza, which is quite easy to understand. the state of being is our dominant thoughts and feelings. now, transform those thoughts and feelings into the vibration you want to become. what would your higher self do? what do they think? if we are aware and practice this over time, it will eventually become our new personality. and if there is a change inside us, there will be a new personality, a new approach to life, leading to a new personal reality. the key is to become unfamiliar with it. a change is necessary to occur internally, and everything else will follow.

"you can have more than you have because you can become more than you are. unless you change how you are, you will always have what you have." ♱ jim rohn

𓍯 entryfromsane002 (extracted from the old blog two years ago)

[mysticsiddhi]

♰ the fluidity of existence. . .

I touched on this topic with my sister tonight, somewhat unplanned, but I felt I was at a level of understanding to properly explain it. I hope this helps those who feel attached to their current circumstances, to start that process of unravelling. I'll also provide a 'transcript' of our conversation for a more real-time pov of what I'm saying here.

✶ ONE

We often feel attached to our current lives because we've invested so much time, energy, and emotion into it and our relationships within it. This can make it difficult to let go, even when we know there's something beyond this experience, that's gentler or more aligned with our true selves.

We think we're abandoning something, when that's not true at all. It's also why you may continuously return to this experience after shifting. We are attached to goals, relationships, memories here, etc. and we think reality is rigid.

The key is actually in recognizing that reality is fluid and ever-transforming.

When we shift or manifest new realities, we grow. When you become an adult, did you abandon the child? We are like living alchemy, constantly transforming. In a rigid world-view, it's easy to think that the challenges and struggles define our lives/us.

So when we cling to problems/unwanted experiences, we cling to an idea of ourselves that no longer serves us.

Just as you grow physically and mentally, your experiences and realities grow with you. As your circumstances change, your core essence remains the same. It’s not about losing yourself, but about embracing the continuous unfolding of who you are.

Realities are less rigid, more, fluid, moments in time.

Like a continuous line. Each moment is a different point on that line, with each reality being just another moment of experience. Whether it’s this current reality or another one, both exist in the flow of your experience. The other reality could be one where you feel more peace, surrounded by love, and free from restrictions. This isn’t an alternate universe far away—it’s just a new moment of your experience.

✶ TWO

It’s easy to worry that shifting means leaving behind the people we care about. But this is something I call self-ish thinking; rigid, individualistic, egoic reality. It doesn't allow for self-less thinking, which understands that there are two sides to experience. The shared and the individual.

Even in this current moment, each person’s reality is inherently separate including yours and mine. What we perceive as shared realities with our families and others are, in fact, just Awareness choosing to interact with itself through our connected activities/moments.

In truth, we’re all part of one shared awareness.

You and your loved ones are always connected, whether you share a particular experience or not. Just as you don’t feel "separated" from your past selves, you won’t be disconnected from others just because you move into a new reality. You’re simply expressing a different aspect of that awareness, like how a TV can change channels but remains the same device.

I referenced the song "Everything Stays," from Adventure Time, in the original conversation. It's perfect here. When "you" shift, you will be gone, yes. But the "you that is a person" in this reality is still in this broader experience.

Another version of you will continue to experience this version of yourself. They just become parallel to "you"; tldr hypothetical/non-existent as [your] awareness is no longer focused on that version. Maybe that version of you may grow in different ways, complete a series of microshifts (manifestation) of their own, that are shared with the people appearing in their experience.

This is where the idea of a 'clone' came from back in the day, though the correct term is just 'version.' I made sure to put this into a microlens perspective for my sister as well.

ex. I am a 'clone' (version) of "siddhi" who lost her pets a few years ago. "siddhi" from a few years ago is right where she is, and several versions of her have stemmed from that point, it's only that 'I' am aware of this experience. That version of "siddhi" is aware of her own experience.

In the end we are all/one thing (awareness.) Appearing as many different things (past, present, future, different people etc.)

✶ THREE

Fear of letting go stems from the idea that we are as separate as we seem. But if we understand that everything we experience is just a projection of awareness, we see that there is nothing real to abandon.

You are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. When you shift, you’re not disappearing—you’re simply redirecting your awareness to a different version of the experience. Detachment becomes easier when you realize that nothing is truly "left behind."

It's the same with manifestation. It's about recognizing that the micromoment, within the macroexperience (I'm using labels to make it easier to grasp) is not permanent. You only think you should/are holding on to something.

Letting go of the need to "hold on" is one large part of the key to allowing manifestations, and shifts to come into your experience effortlessly.

✶ TRANSCRIPT

Her: I think I just have difficulty letting go. I mean, this life was hard. If I’m going to leave it entirely after working so hard, I’m not really sure why I’m here to begin with?

Me: Well, you 'leave it' every second, though you leave nothing behind. You transform. You are living alchemy. I think, like me, you think the problems define the life, so you don’t wish to let the problems go as a means of preserving the life? And life could also be what you think is "you," yeah?

Her: I know I’m not the self, but in a way I am? Everything is me in the end—3D, 4D, everything. I don’t understand how I could abandon it, even if it isn’t my true self.

Me: Well, why do you think you are abandoning anything? Ask yourself these things, inquire.

Her: But aren’t we abandoning it? In favor of going home?

Me: Do you think in growing up, you’ve abandoned your childhood self?

Her: Well… no.

Me: Then do you think the appearance changes and grows, but at its core, it’s still you?

Her: Yes.

Me: So, why do you think you’re abandoning yourself?

Her: It’s a completely different life and reality. It isn’t the same, is it?

Me: The channel changes; is the TV lost? The curtains are newer, nicer—does the sun die with the old ones? Think of it like this: this reality A, reality B and reality C are all in one continuous line. In one moment you're 'here', and the next moment is reality B. They’re all just moments of that line, and that line is experience. Reality B is just a moment in which my life is gentler, less restrictive for me. I’m surrounded by friends and family who are happy and are their best selves, enjoying lives they deserve. It’s not somewhere else.

Her: But you won’t be here anymore.

Me: Well, I’m not in yesterday either, right? "Yesterday me" is in yesterday with "yesterday you." I won’t be in this moment anymore, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I’m gone away from you. Are you afraid I won’t be here with you anymore?

Her: Mhm. I know it’s really childish, but I’ll miss you. I don’t want you to be gone until I come home, in case I never end up going. I really miss you. I don’t know…

Me: Hmm, that’s something, but it’s more complicated than that. There’s a concept of separate, individualistic realities, and there’s a concept of shared realities. You think "Siddhi," the person, won’t be here talking to you if you choose to remain in this moment. In fact, our realities have always been separate, and it’s the activities within that seemingly connect them. "Siddhi" will be here, but she would not be "me." She might not have a goal of shifting anywhere. Depending on my/Awareness' will, she would be a parallel me, going about the experiences that occur in this moment called "reality A". Or she would’ve completed a series of microshifts that are still shared with you, like a ‘clone’ (hate that term). Putting that in a micro-lens: I am a ‘clone’ of "Siddhi" who lost her dogs.

Her: So, you’ll never really leave? It’s still you, just different?

Me: You know that Adventure Time song, "Everything Stays"? I won’t be here; in fact "I" am a version of "Siddhi" from this morning. But a version of me will be here, just like a version of you is in "reality B" with me. I think this gets people super hung up on detaching and stuff. At the same time, this goes deeper. We are not real; this interaction isn’t actually happening. "We" are awareness’ decision of this interaction occurring. Awareness wants "Siddhi" to speak to "Sister." Do you see it?

Her: So, there isn’t really anything to hold onto? Or be afraid of?

Me: Of course not. Don’t hold on to me—I’m everywhere and nowhere. I just understood this today anyway. For those who permashift, it’s not like they suddenly disappeared; they literally just make the conscious decision to no longer share an experience with another. Awareness decides no more—the story is done. This has been done in a myriad of ways, from as simple as just deleting their social media to as complicated as bodily expiration (a result of mahasamadhi is a documented example), even the whole fiasco of "shifters shifting to this reality and their old reality being so much worse, for clout" is a possibility when done legitimately. Similarly, this works with manifestation. The moment you are experiencing right now, in which you have or do not have, is not even occurring. You don’t have to hold on to it—it’s everywhere and nowhere too.

Her: Thank you. This is really, really helpful. I feel a lot better about this now.

Me: I think you’ve gone from self-ish thinking to self-less thinking tonight, yes? I know some people unknowingly keep their families suffering because shifting feels like abandonment. This is egoic. Shifting is literally just awareness deciding: a new lens on the same nothing. Because when "I’m" Siddhi B, Siddhi A does not exist. But hmm, if "I" ever want to be Siddhi A again, let’s make her a millionaire. Think Sims 4. Different save files for the same sim in the same game.

✦ siddhi

[thecurioustale]

My Review & Commentary of The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen

This post contains two reviews of The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen, a new novel by Rob aka @nostalgebraist.

Above the fold is a short, comprehensive review, intended mainly for general audiences. This review is spoiler-free.

Below the fold is over 70 pages (~40k words, some of which are book excerpts) of line-by-line real-time commentary, intended mainly for Rob. This review contains full spoilers. Do not click on “Keep Reading” if you do not want spoilers.

My Review of The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen

The basic proposition is that this is a Christmas story. No surprise; that’s why Rob published it on Christmas after a furious push to be done on-time. The story takes place more or less entirely within the month of December of an unspecified year, and the passage of the month is the progression of the story. It is divided mainly between two narrators: Herschel Schoen, and his sister Miriam Schoen, the latter existing mainly to contextualize the former (which she herself notes with some resentment).

The plot is a fairly straightforward Les Miserables style pressure cooker of growing personal and societal wretchedness bent around the equally-growing idea of some grand, world-changing, revolutionary transformation that is imminent—in this case, supposedly on Christmas. It’s a decent plot, but the plot isn’t the principal reason to engage with the story, in my opinion, and in any case it’s not what most of the novel actually consists of.

For principal reasons to read this fairly hefty thing, I think there are two:

First, and probably the more important of the two, is that The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen is a veritable case study in the lived experience of someone (Herschel) whose brain works and perceives reality very differently from the human norm. He is high-functioning but still quite disabled and deeply mentally ill. “Case study” sounds clinical; this is actually a fairly warm, humanized story—with some very touching moments peppered throughout. But the sheer effort Rob made to depict Herschel’s mindset and thinking for the benefit of the reader is absolutely a tour de force in psychology. I’ve never read anything like it, and, if you read this book for no other reason than its “clinical” value, you would not be wrong to do so.

Second, and the more personally meaningful of the two reasons, is that this book gives you the opportunity to get “Herschel’s side” of things. I used biomedical terms just now to describe Herschel, but that’s not entirely fair, and it’s not the only way to look at him. We all have our reasons for being how we are. And we all of us, even those who are highly neurodivergent ourselves, often look at those whose minds work very differently from our own through the lens of division: them versus us. There is a failure to empathize, to understand, to even give ourselves the chance to understand. Herschel has built up, over the course of his short sixteen years on the Earth, this extraordinary paracosm, his “little world” as Miriam calls it, which he believes in totally and which he projects onto the real world completely. And this paracosm is very similar to the real world in many ways,which causes and/or exacerbates many of Herschel’s social developmental problems. (And we have his sister, Miriam Schoen, throughout the book, to gently lampshade all of this and keep us from accidentally conflating Herschel’s worldview with Rob’s narrative, which ultimately are two separate things.) I think The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen is highly validating of Herschel Schoen; I think that it dignifies him heavily, and all such people in the real world whose “special needs” can be compared to his; even though this book also displays in full detail many of the things about people like Herschel Schoen that so often make us cringe. Herschel is cringeworthy quite often, and his delusional paracosm may just be a delusional paracosm after all, but he—and it—are not illegitimate.

There is a third reason to engage, one with a much more niche appeal, but personally it was my favorite thing about the book: Herschel speaks in the “old” style. We often describe it as a “biblical” style of speech (e.g., “And he went out, and smote his enemy at the bridge, and laid waste to his temples, until all the love of fighting had bled out from its defenders, and the enemy’s people were subdued in shame and despair.”), but it’s really just how a lot of English writing used to be done. Tolkien could do it, and it’s in many of the old classics. I absolutely LOVE this style of writing. Love love love it, and I am always wanting to see more of it in the present day, but of course nobody but me even dares try. Well, here we go: Rob tried it! He pulls off this outrageous shit for the entire book! What you see in Herschel’s style of speech and thought in the first few pages is what you get for the whole count. It’s legendary! I love it! But if you don’t love it, then beware.

Thematically, this is a Christmas story, like I said. It’s a family story, with an especially strong focus on the brother–sister bond between Herschel and big sister Miriam. Another theme is that it’s a pretty anti-capitalist story—though I think this theme, and its literal treatment in the text and especially in character dialogue, was not integrated super well or executed authentically; it works okay on the meta level as a way of setting the conditions for the story, but on the literal level I found its exponents very anti-immersive in their dialogue, almost cartoonish. A third noteworthy theme is that there are some occasional matters of artificial intelligence (it’s part of how Herschel defines his “Adversary” early in the book), because this is nostalgebraist after all and we would expect such things. A fourth significant theme is that this is quite a “New York story,” the kind of story set in New York [City], written by someone who has been a New Yorker, and which for all intents and purposes treats New York as the center of, and nearly the entirety of, the Universe. This book has a lot of deliberate non-specificity in culture and language, presumably to make it timeless, but New York is there effortlessly, because, in New York stories, New York City is a fundamental property of the Universe.

I would be remiss not to mention a few pain points on my part:

First and foremost, Rob’s use of italics and, to a lesser extent, ALLCAPS, is exhausting. Italics function like commas in that they slow down the parsing of text. If you actually do parse italicizations loyally, as I do, and do not simply skip over them as visual noise, then this book might be extremely laborious for you to physically read, as it was for me. I am a deep admirer and avid user of italics myself, but this novel takes italicization almost to its furthest useful extreme possible, well beyond the limits of fine proportionality, and the italics’ sheer preponderance vastly slows down my parsing of the narrative. Nor is there much of a reprieve in the chapters where Miriam is narrating; she’s exactly the same way. In fact basically everyone in the book talks like this. I don’t reject the creative decision to utilize italics in this manner; it’s a valid creative decision; I only caution you that, if you take the italics and allcaps respectfully, they will seriously slow down your pace of reading—as they did for me.

Second, I recommend that you not worry about the time period in which this book is set. Rob made it deliberately vague and contradictory, but he didn’t telegraph this (that I saw), and so I was frustrated throughout almost the entire book trying to pin down when it was set. Turns out its time period doesn’t matter for story purposes, and can’t be dated anyway since there are anachronisms deliberately put into the milieu to make dating impossible. It’s got a little of everything from the 1950s through the present day. So, don’t worry about it. This pain point is my only truly negative large-scale criticism of the story in its entirety (though the unconvincing quality of some of the anti-capitalist dialogue is also a truly negative criticism, merely much more limited in applicability, and there are other serious negative criticisms I have which become manifest in the spoiler commentary below the fold).

Third, I would say that the third quartile of the book is harder to read than the rest. In large part this is because Miriam’s narrative becomes as exhausting as her brother’s as her own suffering increases, but it is exhausting in a completely different way, and the two different exhaustions interfere constructively to make something even more exhausting. The long chapters in particular—most of the book’s word count is contained in a few very long chapters—are quite exhausting indeed for reading in one sitting, so if your mind slows down or wanders I would recommend getting up and doing other things, then coming back with a fresh mind later. The text would really benefit from your full and energetic attention, otherwise I think this book becomes enough of a slog to become antagonistic to the reader. But with a fresh mind, this problem largely goes away. And I must say: This pain point is not a negative criticism. This is the price of engaging with smart work, sometimes. As with the use of italics and allcaps, I see no creative failing on Rob’s part here. You just have to do your part, make your effort, to be in a suitable frame of mind to receive it.

Overall, I enjoyed this book. I did not enjoy it as much as The Northern Caves, Rob’s other novel that I have read, because that book contains Leonard Salby’s glorious indecipherable writing, which has been a major creative inspiration for me. The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen has lots to offer, however. Be aware that it is a heavy read, not a light one, and thus it is draining. Rob is a rare treat of an author in that his work is highly intellectual (rare all on its own!) without being literarily pretentious and snobby—but this means that it is no trivial thing to read and absorb his work. Also to his credit, this book kept me guessing all the way through, which I appreciate—I respect it when plots and characters refuse to let me put them in a container early on. And of course this book contained all of the good things I have already said about it.

DO NOT click “Keep Reading” unless you are prepared for spoilers, bad formatting, and the wailing and gnashing of teeth of confronting 70 pages of commentary.

Psych! 73 pages is way too much for Tumblr's post limits. Here is a Google Doc instead:

This document will be available online for the time being but may not be public indefinitely, so feel free to download a copy if you like.

[jokeroutsubs]

[NEW ENG TRANSLATION] Bojan Cvjetićanin, Joker Out frontman: The world's being destroyed by unhappy people, so we should try to bring happiness to as many people as possible

Original article Written by: Sonja Javornik 28.11.2021 English translation by: @varianestoroff proofread by: @flowerlotus8

With two sold-out concerts in Ljubljana's Cvetličarna (the second one will be broadcast on TV Slovenija on New Year), Joker Out proved that, after a long time, we have new idols for the youth. The two concerts in Cvetličarna sold almost 600 of their CDs.

The majority of their audience are girls, which isn't surprising, as the band consists of handsome, talented and smart lads. Bojan Cvjetićanin is the frontman of the band and also the author of most songs. The Sociology student fascinates in many ways, as, despite his young age, he's an excellent and knowledgeable interlocutor.

I was surprised by how enthusiastic senior fellow musicians are about your success. They say you bring hope that the music scene will spring to life again. I'm glad they don't see us as a threat, so it made me extremely happy to see their honesty. Last time, Boštjan Meglič¹ came up to me and told me with a genuine smile that we reminded him of their early days.

Yes, we can definitely compare you to Siddharta - but, after them, there hasn't really been a band to cause such hysteria and excitement. I can say that everything has worked out really well. COVID-19's impact on us was positive, as we couldn't wait for the first album. It was a big thing for us. Since it didn't make sense to release it when there were no gigs, we polished it and changed it in a way we're really satisfied with, and we can finally say for ourselves that we're a really good band. We have a great energy, we're all good musicians and our arrangements are good. We're a solid team.

Nowadays we don't seem to have as much patience as we used to, so it's good that this long pause hasn't demotivated you. Do you feel like there are other younger musicians who are willing to be patient to be successful, or are you more of an exception?

¹Boštjan Meglič is a founding member of Siddharta and plays drums in the band.

I dare say we've taken a very mature approach, covering all the aspects needed to make it work. We're always willing to play for free as opening act for exposure, without any financial demands. That felt like an understandable investment, and I think a few others are doing that too - bands like MRFY, Koala Voice... We also started to acknowledge how important the overall image is, because you also have to externally portray what you represent in the music. I think a lot of people underestimate that, or think of it as showing off, but clothes on stage are actually important, as we also act differently by putting on specific stage clothing. We put on things we really dig, and we don't look for inspiration in fashion magazines.

For sure, rockers in Slovenia tend to underestimate their image - maybe they're afraid of looking too pop. On the other hand, serious rockers have always put a lot of emphasis on appearance and distinctive clothing - think of Bowie, Freddie (Mercury), but also Guns N' Roses or AC/DC, who can't be counted as pop artists, for sure! Or Siddharta, for Slovenia. Could it be that you've made such a difference compared to other young bands because you don't do music as amateurs, instead you understand that also this business has its rules?

For sure. We realised that there's no shame in saying that this is our job. As long as being a musician is perceived as a hobby in this country, it'll remain a hobby. You're no less an artist if you make a living out of this!

When did you start taking care of your appearance? Would you have looked the same on the stage of Cvetličarna even before the COVID-19 epidemic?

We'd have a similar style, as we knew from the beginning that Joker Out had to work as a whole. For Cvetličarna we went to RTV studios and borrowed clothes. Our stylist Suzana Juršič was with us and helped us choose the right items.

On stage as sex symbols

When I met you backstage before your concert at Cvetličarna, you warned me not to miss the intro. And it was brilliant - you prepared a video intro. How so?

We hoped for an epic intro, but we couldn't picture what that would look like. Mark Pirc, who shoots our videos, quickly intuited what we thought, so we let him design the whole visual concept. Afterwards, he called us and told us that we needed special outfits, in which we then filmed the intro a few days before the concert.

You always mention regular colleagues, you must have an extended team, which is unusual in Slovenia, as everything tends to follow the 'do-it-yourself' principle - I'll do it myself, so I can spare the fee.

This comes from the 'hobby vision' I mentioned before. Everybody can do everything themselves to save money, we left other aspects to people who know best. We quickly realised that we needed to be surrounded by people who love us and understand what we want to become. Joker Out isn't just the five of us, but there's Mark, who makes videos, there's Sandi, the sound engineer, a lighting engineer, a photographer. The permanent part of the team is small. We also have a guy who helps us carry and set up the equipment, and we used to have a photographer for a while, but we don't anymore. We also have a PR rep.

What does it financially mean for you? Are you already in profit or do you still have losses because of the team?

Absolutely. The deficit's a big part of our narrative, and we still go deficit if we have to. We often have a headache when it comes to certain amounts, but we still go to the ATM as we believe in our story. And we go to the ATM a lot... (smiles)

All successful stories started with the band members investing their money because they believed in themselves - like Čuki, Siddharta... But really, not many are ready for a financial investment.

It could quickly happen that the risk's high and the reward's low. We're lucky we've never believed in failure. Our dream was to play on big stages, but the process never was a necessary evil for us. We enjoyed the climb. Well, there are still a few more climbs to go! We've made it up the first climb and are now on the first top cap...

Aren't you afraid this might already be the peak?

Honestly, I'm not afraid of this as I feel a lot of creative energy in me. With this album, we haven't said everything we want. Also, nobody's worried next album will be less successful. I dare say that, out of almost all alternartive artists, we're the ones who do the most ourselves and work like a well-oiled machine. Even our first album was successful commercially, which makes us very happy.

The album is available online, and you've also released a CD for fans. How many CDs have you sold?

I don't know the exact amount, I know we sold around 500 to 600 CDs just at the two concerts in Cvetličarna, which seems a lot to others.

We're surrounded by people who love us and understand what we want to become

Worry not, that's a huge number given the times. Do you feel like a sex symbol as, already by the second song, bras were flying on stage?

At first, we were very scared on the first night, as we waited a year and a half for this mythical moment. This certainly increased expectations, but also stress. I had a million different scenarios playing in my head, and then it happened...

Did you have any stage fright?

I had a weird stage fright. I wasn't afraid of going on stage, I didn't know what would happen afterwards. As we stood and waited, we heared everything happening on and off stage, so we went on stage quite scared and shocked. We couldn't realise all the enthusiasm was just because of us! The second night we went on stage already as sex symbols, that's how we really felt.

Are you the most popular with girls because you're the most exposed, probably?

Different sides have formed, so we're all satisfied. (smiles) When we post, we can't wait to see who people are rooting for, who's the sexiest...

Bigger stages than the one in Cvetličarna are waiting for you, but you've already played on smaller Slovenian stages over the summer. Was there such response as in the capital?

Everywhere we went, the response was really good. In Cvetličarna, people already knew lyrics that aren't even online yet! This didn't surprise us, as we knew that those who came to our summer gigs would also come to the other side of Slovenia for our concert. We have some fans who've been to more concerts than Kris, who missed two shows because he was travelling with his girlfriend! (laughs)

And you let him do it?

As at the time he had everything already booked, it couldn't be otherwise.

But I was angry at the time. Luckily, there's a fellow guitarist in Fat Butlers who we're very close with, and he was able to quckly jump in, as he knew our repertoire.

When someone really succeeds, that boosts the entire music scene. Even when Siddharta made it, the overall rock scene was in great shape, everyone was performing a lot. Do your young colleagues realise that you created opportunities for them too?

I know that the entire scene has really grown, but I can't say we're the reason for that. When we announced the Cvetličarna concert two years ago, our opening act Kokosy had just released their first songs. We chose them because they sounded extremely amusing during their performance at Škisova tržnica and had good energy. At the time, few knew this band, today they're already well established performers with quite an audience. Now also our audience knows them, so the vibes were really good during their performance.

Parents listened to Indexi and Bijelo Dugme. You come from a family of doctors. Are your parents upset that you didn't follow their path?

No, they're very happy. Mum's glad I didn't choose medical studies, dad would've been happy if I'd become a doctor too. But there's no hard feelings, as, with grandma, she's by far my biggest fan. Both go on YouTube every day and tell me how many views we make, when we'll be on the radio... I also have an older sister, who's an extremely diligent lawyer. She too is very proud of me.

So will your sister review all contracts to make sure some label or promoter doesn't scam you?

That's right. (smiles)

Your parents moved to Slovenia due to the Yugoslav Wars. Do you feel any bitterness, any trauma in your family because of this?

Both graduated medicine in Banjaluka, and came to Slovenia during the war, here they did their specialisation. Both consider Slovenia home, as here they felt accepted when they needed help. They never felt like foreigners. Sure, it was hard for them at the beginning, being foreigners in a shared country until recently², but, despite that, they successfully finished their specialisation and started a 'new life'. I never felt like a foreigner myself.

Have you ever been subjected to prejudice?

I went to a primary school with a few 'čefur'³. In Grade 8, only two students had excellent grades in Slovene - besides me, a classmate whose surname ended in -ić⁴. They probably didn't even know who came from where.

Nowadays, Balkan music's very popular among the youth. How did you keep up with it? Were you fond of it due to your roots?

Pretty much. When I was little, at home we had albums. As children, we listened to the music our parents listened to. Whether it was Indexi or Bijelo Dugme, we listened to that too. When I got my MP3 player, my sister too downloaded some songs, by Siddharta, Big Foot Mama, Trkaj and Murat & Jose. These four artists were my favourites and I could say they still are today, I still love the ex YU rock scene, especially the new wave.

²Bojan's family moved from Bosnia around 1992, the year in which the Bosnian government declared independence from Yugoslavia, a statal entity that administered the western Balkan peninsula for much of the 20th century.

³Čefur is a word with a pejorative connotation that denotes people from Slovenia who originate from other countries of the former Yugoslavia or are descendants of such immigrants.

⁴The suffix -ić is a very common way to form surnames in Slavic languages. It is a patronymic suffix, indicating 'descendant of' or a certain personal name. As in most cases, people with these surnames are Serbs or Croats, or descendants of these, said suffix turned into an indicator of one's ethnicity.

What we couldn't realise was that all the enthusiasm was just because of us

Did you start writing the texts in Slovene right away?

The first song was in English, and Martin still keeps its paper at home. The melody was good and I can use it, but the lyrics were terrible. I've never been able to write lyrics without a melody, so I write the melody first. Also, I've never written lyrics to a melody made by someone else. Except for the first one in English, I've written all the others in Slovene, and I only write when the inspiration hits me. That's when I sit and start working, and a new song comes out of that. I discard very few songs, if something isn't good, I usually find out after the first lines. I usually get carried away to the point where it progresses. I wrote the song 'Gola' differently at first, but I didn't like the chorus. Later Kris reminded me of it, and I knew immediately what to change to make it sound right.

So, are you quite self-critical?

It's true. Sometimes I like something a lot at first, but within a week it doesn't satisfy me. Then I'm sad, because I disappointed myself, and I discard it.

But the Serbo-Croatian language market is much bigger than the Slovenian one. Have you also written songs in Serbian or Croatian, which you certainly know thanks to your roots?

Not all of them, but I'm working on adapting the whole album. It's easier to write songs in Slovenian, but it's true that I never started writing songs in Serbo-Croatian either. I tried to write one song in Serbian, but it sounded so bad melodically that I quickly gave up.

How often do you visit Banjaluka?

I used to go there a lot as a child and teenager, but not much since the epidemic, so I miss it a lot. I miss my grandmother who lives there. We live partly in the city and partly in the country, and it's the country that I miss the most. Everything is so pristine there. Everything is the same as when I was a kid, even the people are the same. In rural Bosnia, there are no things that can hurt or disappoint you.

Well, politicians continue to fuel nationalism in Bosnia, so it's always tense.

I love Banjaluka, but, since I grew up, the atmosphere has been tense all the time, so I don't like that environment. I'm worried for my grandma who lives there, as times aren't looking good and things can snap quickly. In the countryside, luckily, you don't feel this.

Can music and your message help improve this world? Do you think you can change something with music?

Unhappy people are destroying the world, so we can try to make as many people as possible happy. I think spreading love and positivity is the best we can do. Goran Bregović⁵ said in an interview that he stopped believing that music could change the world when all the musicians and cultural figures united, but were unable to stop the war. I think it isn't the job of us musicians to spread world peace, but we can try to make people happy, as happy people won't cause wars.

⁵Goran Bregović is a Bosnian musician and composer.

[nico-esoterica]

Had a breakthrough epiphany -

If you can manifest having specific spiritual or supernatural experiences unconsciously because your environment or your beliefs made you start perceiving other realms, deities, creatures, ghosts, etc, and you're just pulling shit out of the ether..

..And you can fantasize about just about anything long enough and it'll show up according to the limits you've placed on it..

Then you can, in actuality, do and be anything you want. Anything and everything goes. Like, there are so many first and second hand accounts of people seeing weird spooky shit and others just don't because they don't think it's possible. I'm thinking specifically of Shane and Ryan from Buzzfeed Unsolved. Shane, even in the face of some really terrifying haunts and environments, still remained vigilant that nothing out of the ordinary was happening while Ryan would always seem to have spiritual encounters on ghost hunts which varied in intensity. On other ghost hunter shows, the skeptics who fall into the latter category usually want to be proven wrong on some level..and that's exactly what happens.

"..But can I--?" Yes you can.

You just need to not change your mind about it. That's where skeptics and people that doubt that amazingly good things can happen to them get lazy. You have to keep telling yourself that it's happening or is going to happen and you can specify the how. People who experiment with this to prove a point that it isn't 'real' are limited by what they think isn't possible for them to see personally. You're creating the rules and guidelines for your reality at all times.

People who believe fairies, ghosts, angels, demons, etc, are real or who open themselves to the possibility w/o 'believing' in them per se will usually encounter them or will stumble upon evidence of them through the internet, stories from family and friends, etc. If there's room for it in your mind to potentially exist and you're trying to find a way to explain strange occurrences, you're going to experience situations or information which creates that evidence. It's an eternal confirmation bias.

..So when it comes to the seemingly 'unrealistic' things you desire, it follows that bias. Doubt is just faith with a different name. It's still having faith in an outcome. Things not working out your way, your sp not wanting you back, etc.

When we make it more fantastical, it's not really fantasy anymore. It's just perception. Not everything's been caught on camera, reported, documented, and credible sources and evidence can be obscured and tampered with based on how beneficial it'll be. Granted, you can't always believe everything you see or read.

But even with existing hard irrefutable facts, they can change. Information can update over night, reports can disclose new breakthrough intel, whistleblowers and people with expired NDAs can provide new information which contradicts what exists, new research findings can lead to new understanding of how we see the world and ourselves. They discover new creatures dwelling at the bottom of the ocean all the time. There's a jellyfish that can live forever, for example. Hypothetically, if it isn't eaten.

"But what if I want wings?"

Then start thinking you can..consistently. Not many people have the mental fortitude for that. But maybe you're not like them.

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.

[hoodreader]

Sept. 16, 2024. Moon in Pisces! + Eclipse Szn

my personal theories on aspects made as the moon transits pisces, from september 16, 2024 @ 5:39 AM EST to september 18, 2024 5:23 AM EST.

moon in pisces

the moon enters pisces on september 16, 2024 @ 5:39 AM EST.

𓆝 after transiting two signs ruled by its detriment (saturn), the moon welcomes familiar energy in the sign of pisces. pisces shares a few qualities with moon. obviously water, but also the fact that pisces is mutable and the moon is constantly changing faces -- they both share a theme of adaption.

so expect to be made to adapt quickly. this is a time of intimate exposure. unlike the other water signs, pisces is unprotected by an exoskeleton. the moon’s nature is somewhat of a guardian, thus it is shielded. but pisces is simply flesh. pisces is its body. and pisces is one of the only signs without some form of external defense. it’s also the only water sign whose existence is completely lived in the water.

to the fish, there’s no perceived boundary, such as the line between sand and sea. to the fish, they blend into each other. there’s just the infinite sky and the infinite ocean, reflections of each other. to the fish, swimming is the closest thing to flying. u are unbound by gravity, untethered to anything but the physical manifestation of ur soul (ur body).

so this is the moon. when the moon is in pisces, it’s more comfortable with the currents of uncertainty and the unknown. after all, our species knows more of literal space and ether than the ocean, and i think that’s why the moon has so much of a mystifying effect. the ocean is so close to us but so removed from understanding. pisces only expands upon this quality: we discover those removed parts of ourselves.

moon transits work as a mirror (particularly when the moon is full or near full illumination). it reflects back to u what u might've buried in the subconscious, unseen part of ur soul. so this full moon energy in pisces will have buried lies, infidelities, uncertainties resurfaced, like the remains of an old shipwreck washing up on shore. pisces represents the closure of a chapter before a new cycle proceeds, but u can't really do that without addressing what u have neglected. u are encouraged to deep dive into urself.

what will u unearth? look to the houses and natal aspects. feel free to comment ur houses for my own personal take and i'll read it if i have the energy to. tips are a certified way to get ur placement read.

moon transits

pisces moon trine cancer mars

exact on september 16, 2024 @ 5:03 PM EST

so much passion... in ways that work for u, and in ways that work against u. on one end, a harmonious aspect between moon and mars causes deep-rooted emotions.

but what soil are u rooting those emotions in? there's quite a few things u could be reaping and sowing with this transit. for one, tumblr loves to talk about how much moon-mars denotes (pardon my french) unabashed horniness. this is because the two bodies of instinct and hormones are making contact. so i will advise that unless u are trying to conceive, try to abstain from creampies. mars isn't traditionally an indication of fertility, but it being in cancer (with the dispositor being the moon in a jovial sign) can show abundance relating to the sexual organs. and what do we have sexual organs for evolutionarily? sexual reproduction.

on another end, it can show intense moodiness. the mutable pisces moon has a universe full of things to feel, and mars is placed in the sign associated with unpredictable, shapeshifting emotions. u can find urself crying then seemingly over it two minutes later.

or u can become defensive and personalize everything, taking things as a personal attack. thus, feeling like u need to guard ur emotions. but that conflicts with the nature of the pisces moon. while the pisces moon is introspective, it's not guarded necessarily. even if mars wants to protect its intimate world (due to being in cancer), the pisces moon (knowing no bounds) may express them nonetheless, either directly or through petty, evasive side-stepping expected of a pisces moon-cancer mars trine.

i have a theory that the moon in pisces trine mars in cancer can represent cheating. jupiter indicates infidelity imo, as jupiter notoriously betrayed his wife ceres (the goddess of marital unions). mars represents our impulses and whether or not we can control them. and with the dispositor of mars being moon in pisces, it could show someone may be lying? but i'm unsure about that.

of course, this depends on the conditions of this transit, don't read this and think ur going to be cheated on lmao. correlation doesn't mean causation. but u do need to abstain from "distractions" in my opinion. meaning, sneaky links, irresponsible drug use, spending habits, etc.

u should keep a clear mind during this transit. the mind (moon) is already cloudy and informed by an afflicted malefic, which is giving poor impulse control.

pisces moon opp. virgo mercury

exact on september 17, 2024 @ 2:55 AM EST

there's introspection as the planet of the emotional mind (moon in pisces) tug-o-wars with the planet of the logical mind (mercury in virgo). for the pisces moon, the mind is infinite as it reflects the limitless soul. but for the virgo mercury, it desires something factual. something undeniable.

but the rational virgo mercury may view these things as mutually exclusive: there's no room for both science and spirit, for limits and the limitless, for head and heart. for that reason, ur psyche (comprised of both the moon and mercury) feels torn apart. and for this reason, u may choose to isolate in the mind or u face struggles with bringing ur vast emotional/sense experience into digestible yet limited words. this causes a conflict with ur reality, as ur sense experience feels one thing but ur logical experience says another. it can lead to overall anxiety, irrationality, practical issues, and communication issues.

for example, dishing shit out (overcritical domicile virgo mercury) but not being able to take it (sensitive pisces moon), misreading social situations, deciphering the truth from a lie, or feeling mentally stuck.

the chariot card in major arcana seems significant, i just channeled it. the black sphinx in this case represents the unknown, unverified abyss u must trust within urself, whereas the white sphinx represents clarity and logic. they are opposing, but connected through each hand of the driver.

the pisces-virgo axis with the moon and mercury shows that an action is preceded by a thought, and a thought is preceded by a feeling, and the context of feeling is informed through the moon being in pisces. boundlessness. unrestriction. and so on. in order to materialize something, u need to give reality permission to allow it to exist. faith without works is about as dead as works without faith.

personal advice: i wouldn't initiate or engage with a serious discussion at this time, as there can likely be communication issues and misunderstandings. and with the pisces moon also being trine a cancer mars, it can result in needless passive aggression, lack of accountability, frustration, and emotional dysregulation.

instead, i'd allow for the lunar eclipse/full moon to illuminate and bring to light what needs to be called to action. if i were u, i'd journal a lot. that way, it translates something intangible (feelings) into something tangible (words on paper) and u have something to reflect on. which is great, because an overarching theme for this pisces moon transit is reflection.

pisces moon conj. pisces saturn Rx

exact on september 17, 2024 @ 6:10 AM EST

saturn influence will return to the moon, so my moon in capricorn post might be a good refresher, as the moon is not entirely out of saturn's reach. this time, i believe ur being called to apply what u have learned.

as i addressed earlier, pisces is the sign representative of the end of a cycle. just as saturn is the planet representing those cycles. so many astrological themes indicate transitions and endings being had all over — saturn in pisces, pluto in capricorn at the anaretic degree, the equinox on the 22nd signaling the seasonal death of the northern hemisphere, and the lunar eclipse/full moon in pisces all relate to change.

saturn is heavy karmic and i'm sure we all knew that, but this saturn pisces retrograde has been particularly karmic in how we really gotta address wounds of how we prolong the inevitable by resisting change. the pisces full moon is naturally going to illuminate that. we're retracing our steps right now and moving backwards, but the past can be a useful tool in understanding what's to come.

saturn represents our fears, and the pisces full moon energy is illuminating that as well. so... the resistance to change is correlated to the fear of the unknown. but u have been here before, it just wasn't stationed Rx. saturn was in pisces at the 15th degree on april 16, 2024. what do u remember from then? what energy was potent in the air? because the events that may have taken place around that time but haven't reached their resolve will be made to as the moon illuminates this and what we have lied to ourselves about since then.

pisces saturn conjunct pisces moon is deeply nostalgic, and u will find urself reminiscing heavily before the moon transits aries and awakens a new emotional/familiar cycle. it reminds me of that one hannah montana scene where she's saying goodbye to her old house before she welcomes the next phase of her life. even though the moon is technically a gibbous right now, the energy of a full moon is felt for about 3-5 days. and full moons are times for energetic purges. it's a time of release. as the moon wanes, so is the old.

there will be a couple more pisces moon conjunct pisces saturn Rx, it's something like reviewing or revisiting. they will be on these dates:

october 14, 2024 // november 10, 2024

and then saturn stations direct after shortly those transits. this would be a time to put things into application, as saturn is no longer passive/reflective/moving backwards, but is now active/moving forward with what it had learned during the retrograde. so there's a decent amount of saturn-moon in pisces conjunctions that will be occurring until saturn leaves pisces and enters the new cycle. so i really recommend journalling for this whole pisces saturn transit. pisces saturn can obfuscate perception. but when ur journaling, ur channeling it into something u can revisit.

pisces moon opp. virgo sun, FULL MOON and LUNAR ECLIPSE

exact september 17, 2024 @ 10:34 PM EST

the energy of an eclipse is a confusing one. the north and south nodes are the planets responsible for eclipsing. since this is a partial eclipse, the moon/sun won't be making exact conjunction to the nodes until after the eclipse passes. but don't think this means the eclipse won't still be a powerful force to be reckoned with, because it will be.

eclipses cause confusion and disorientation because the luminaries' lights are briefly put out. the luminaries represent clarity within us, so when the dragon consumes them, it kinda causes chaos. such as a spiritual, energetic "blackout/power outage." its effects are almost apocalyptic in how we revert to our survivalism during eclipse season.

the north node will represent gains. this is due to the north node being the head of the dragon and thus materialistic, obsessive, and insatiably hungry. but the south node, which is the tail of the dragon, and that produces an opposite effect of surrender and release. the moon is fully illuminated (thus 'enlightened') but since it's consumed by the dragon, it may feel like ur enlightenment is being had at a low moment. really a time for looking into ur shadows, fears, etc. a pisces full moon lunar eclipse feels comparable to being in “the belly of the beast.”

this pisces lunar eclipse might be the catalyst to set u free. free of doubt, free of lies, free of secrecy. yes, the lunar eclipse is like blowing a candle out in a dark room, but u know what that reminds me of? that "the cave of two lovers" scene (ATLA) where aang and katara blow out the light in order to let themselves be guided out of the darkness (underworld). when they surrendered their need to sense, they opened up to emotional (and spiritual) enlightenment. and to be honest, i recommend watching that episode during this transit. it's so pisces-virgo axis.

the lunar eclipse is going to open the door u must pass through to overcome the shadows within u (not to reject them, but to understand them). the portal is much like a dark cave with the end invisible to the naked eye. it's something like a blind test of faith, going in with nothing but urself and ur soul.

the nodes induce confusion, and in my opinion, those who will be the most confused during this transit will be those who resist change the most. those attached to circumstance. this transit says change and closure. it says free urself. proceeding the moon-saturn conjunction in pisces, i feel like this eclipse gives “fetch the boltcutters” by fiona apple (happy belated virgo queen). she says she got the title of the album while watching tv, and says that it means: “Fetch your tool of liberation. Set yourself free.”

so u go do that. and good luck.

if ur sleeping during the lunar eclipse, dreams will likely function as a portal to the unseen. i would say try to gain lucidity in ur dreams, and if u can, derive insight from the messages u get

abstain from sex

if my theory rings true about cheating, it’ll come to light.

[dailyanarchistposts]

The power of joy

To emphasize joy, in contrast to happiness, is to move away from conditioned habits, reactions, and emotions. Bubbling up in the cracks of Empire, joy remakes people through combat with forces of subjection. Joy is a desubjectifying process, an unfixing, an intensification of life itself.[20] It is a process of coming alive and coming apart. Whereas happiness is used as a numbing anesthetic that induces dependence, joy is the growth of people’s capacity to do and feel new things, in ways that can break this dependence. It is aesthetic, in its older meaning, before thinking and feeling were separate: the increase in our capacity to perceive with our senses. As Mexican activist and writer Gustavo Esteva explained in his interview with us,

We use the word aesthetic to allude to the ideal of beauty. The etymological meaning, almost lost, associates the word with the intensity of sensual experience; it means perceptive, sharp in the senses. That meaning is retained in words like anaesthesia. Comparing a funeral in a modern, middle-class family and in a village in Mexico or India, we can see then the contrast in how one expresses or not their feelings and how joy and sadness can be combined with great intensity.[21]

Esteva suggested to us that sentipensar still carries this meaning in Spanish: the conviction that you cannot think without feeling, or feel without thinking. As the feminist scholar Silvia Federici explained when we interviewed her, joy is a palpable sense of collective power:

I like the distinction between happiness and joy. I like joy, like you, because I think joy is an active passion. It’s not a stagnant state of being. It’s not satisfaction with things as they are. It’s part of feeling power’s capacities growing in you and growing in the people around you. It’s a feeling, a passion, that comes from a process of transformation. And it’s a process of growth. So this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be satisfied with your situation. It means that again, using Spinoza, that you understand the situation, and you’re active in a way that you feel that you are comprehending and moving along in accordance to what is required in that moment. So you feel that you have the power to change and you feel yourself changing with what you’re doing, together with other people. It’s not a form of acquiescence to what exists.[22]

This feeling of the power to change one’s life and circumstances is at the core of collective resistance, insurrections, and the construction of alternatives to life under Empire. Joy is the sentipensar, the thinking-feeling that arises from becoming capable of more, and often this entails feeling many emotions at once. It is resonant with what the Black poet and intellectual Audre Lorde calls the erotic:

For once we begin to feel deeply all the aspects of our lives, we begin to demand from ourselves and from our life-pursuits that they feel in accordance with that joy which we know ourselves to be capable of. Our erotic knowledge empowers us, becomes a lens through which we scrutinize all aspects of our existence, forcing us to evaluate those aspects honestly in terms of their relative meaning within our lives. And this is a grave responsibility, projected from within each of us, not to settle for the convenient, the shoddy, the conventionally expected, nor the merely safe.[23]

Lorde makes it clear that this capacity for feeling is not about fleeting pleasure or contentment: following its line requires responsibility and pulls one away from comfort and safety. It undoes stuckness. It makes stultifying comforts intolerable. In our interview with writer and activist adrienne maree brown, she emphasized that joy is the capacity to be more fully present with ourselves and the world:

I feel very fortunate that my mother read The Prophet by Khalil Gibran to me many times. There is this whole thing on how your sorrow carves out the space for your joy, and vice versa. That has helped me a lot. In recent years I have been on a path to learn somatics, how to be in my wholeness, with my trauma, with my triggers, with my brilliance. It’s all about being present, being awake inside your real life in real time.[24]

In this sense, joy does not come about by avoiding pain, but by struggling amidst and through it. To make space for collective feelings of rage, grief, or loneliness can be deeply transformative. Empire, in contrast, works to keep its subjects stuck in individualizing sadness: held in habits and relationships that are depleting, toxic, and privatized. This stagnation might be held in place by the pursuit of happiness, and the attempt to numb or avoid pain. To be more fully present, in contrast, means tuning in to that which affects us, and participating actively in the forces that shape us.

This tuning-in might be subtle and tender, or it might be a violent act of refusal. Sometimes these shifts are barely perceptible and take place over decades, and sometimes they are dramatic and world-shaking. For Deleuze, thought begins from cramped spaces where one is hemmed in by the forces of subjection. It is not an act of individual will, but a scream that interrupts unbearable forces, opening space for more active combat.[25] This is why so many movements and struggles begin with a scream of refusal: NO, ¡Ya Basta!, Enough!, Fuck off. They interrupt Empire’s powers of subjection and make new practices and new worlds possible. One spark of refusal can lead to an upwelling of collective rage and insurrection. In this way, joy can erupt from despair, rage, hopelessness, resentment, or other so-called “negative” emotions.

Similarly, in a nihilistic vein, the anonymous authors of the queer journal Bædan unpack jouissance as something that exceeds simple enjoyment or pleasure, conceiving it as an ecstatic rupture in the social order imposed by Empire:

We should analyze this distinction between pleasure and pain as being an inscription of the social order into our bodies. And in the same way, it is the mundane and miniscule pleasures produced through contemporary power arrangements which keep us dependent on those arrangements for our well-being. Jouissance, in abolishing both sides of this distinction, severs us from pain as a self-preservation instinct and from pleasure as the society’s alluring bribe. It is the process that momentarily sets us free from our fear of death (literal or figurative) which is such a powerful inhibitor. We can locate this jouissance in the historic moments of queer riot: Compton’s cafeteria, Dewey’s, the White Night, Stonewall, and countless other moments where queer bodies participated in rupture—throwing bricks, setting fires, smashing windows, rejoicing in the streets. But more to the point, jouissance is located in precisely the aspects of these moments (and of others unknown to us) which elude historians, the ones which cannot be captured in a textbook or situated neatly within narratives of progress for queer people, or of rational political struggle for a better future.[26]

Jouissance is difficult to pin down because it is movement and transformation itself. By breaking the divide between pleasure and pain, it undoes habits that hold subjects in place. We are not suggesting that there is some hidden unity behind queer nihilist jouissance, the notion of the erotic in Black feminism, or the Latin American concept of sentipensar. But we do think that these and other currents resonate with the Spinozan concept of joy: a process that is transformative, dangerous, painful, and powerful, but also somewhat elusive. A paradox of joy is that it can’t be described fully; it is always embodied differently, as different struggles open up more space for people to change and be changed. In fact, to grip it, to nail it down, to claim to represent it fully would be to turn it into a dead image divorced from its lively unfolding. The way to participate in joyful transformation is through immersion in it, which is impossible if one is always standing back, evaluating, or attempting to control things.

Another part of why joyful transformation is difficult to talk about is because of the inheritance of a dualistic, patriarchal worldview in which “real” change is supposed to be measurable and observable, and “intelligence” is the capacity for a detached engineering of outcomes. Even the capacity to live otherwise and reject parts of Empire is often presented in patriarchal ways: the subject of revolution is the heroic, strong-willed individual who has the capacity to see past illusions and free himself from mistakes and errors of the past. As feminist, queer, anti-racist, and Indigenous writers have pointed out, this is a vision that falls back on the detached, masculine individual as the basic unit of life and freedom.

Rather than trying to rationally direct the course of events, an affective politics is about learning to participate more actively in the forces that compose the world and oneself. This is what Spinoza meant by intelligence. Supporting joy cannot be achieved through a detached rationality, but only through attunement to relationships, feelings, and forces—a practical wisdom that supports flourishing and experimentation.[27] This is how organizer and militant researcher Marina Sitrin put it when we spoke with her:

I am so excited for this project. It all resonates deeply with things I have been thinking, witnessing, fearing, and dreaming. The role of joy, in particular in the way you describe it, is often absent—though not entirely—from our conversations and constructions in the northern part of the Americas and Europe. It is both a fairly large and abstract concept, and at the same time a very simple, direct, and emotive one. How do we feel when we participate in a movement or group? What are our relationships to others in the group? Does it feel open? Caring? Social? Is there trust? Why do we come back to assemblies and actions? Are people open to one another?[28]

These questions are not just about whether people feel good. They are about how spaces and struggles affect us, and about the potential of becoming more alive, open, trusting and creative. Practices that seem to resemble each other might be vastly different, in terms of what they enable affectively (or don’t). Depending on the context, the relationships, and the way things unfold, a tactic like a strike or a street demo might be based on a dismal conformity to habit or duty, or it might be a profound experience that connects people in new ways and opens possibilities for creativity and movement. It might also be a messy mix of stale routines, reactive containment, and transformative potential.

As we explore in the next chapter, transformative power might look like a dramatic break from the relationships and life paths that have been offered by Empire, but it might also involve more subtle work of learning to love places, families, friends, and parts of ourselves in new ways. It entails deepening some bonds while severing others, and enabling selective openness through firm boundaries. What could it mean to be militant or fiercely committed to all this? Is it possible to be militant about creativity and care? Can militancy be something that is responsive and relationship-based? Can people be militant about joy?

[makingspiritualityreal]

Moon - The Child, Saturn - The Parent

Moon and Saturn, despite being enemies, have one thing in common, and that is their cyclical, time oriented nature. Saturn is the responsible parent, who becomes dependent, childlike and weak in their old age, and Moon is the child, that grows into a responsible parent. As these two are basically the equivalent of "what was first - chicken or egg?" metaphor, these two astral bodies form a cycle of their own.

The maturity of Saturn is what we experience when we move away from our parents, and face the reality, that Moon doesn't like to face - the fact that our parents are also human, can't protect us from everything, and when we step into adult life, we're equalized with them. Saturn brings objectivity, rationality and perspective with growing up, and that perspective includes understanding, that a lot of the pain we went through growing up was circumstantial, and our parents did what they could to the best of their ability, and as we grow up we are prone to making mistakes if we don't check ourselves, just like they are.

The Moon has the opposite approach, because it's reactive, concerned only with survival, self protection in the moment and fulfillment of one's own needs. It doesn't possess any long term perspective, so it takes situations at face value from it's own biased point of view, and doesn't have the capacity to universalize. That trait of the Moon is necessary in order for one to survive in the physical world at all, just like a toddler learns that it need to cry and scream to signal its primal needs to its parents. Growing up, it also consists of a capacity to self soothe, navigate one's own internal landscape, ultimately achieve self understanding while being able to relate to and sympathize with others. A mature Moon is capable of empathy, and thus benefits from Saturn's objectivity.

The difference in perception between these two bodies is the scale of vision. The Moon only sees, perceives and feels what's in front of its face, it has a 0-1 scale of what feels good vs what doesn't feel good and it reacts based on that, with no conscience. Saturn has an infinite perspective of why something that didn't feel good to the Moon may have occurred. Saturn contains within itself an inherent judgment, that if we blame others for their actions, we need to put ourselves in their shoes. Saturn understands, that while we may blame our parents, we would make our own fair share mistakes with our own children if we had them and being a parent doesn't automatically make you perfect. The Moon is focused on reactively extracting immediate reactions from others. Saturn is focused on self improvement, substance and correction.

The irony is in how intertwined these planets are, despite their contradictory nature. Without the Moon, we wouldn't have Saturn. If we didn't know how we felt, we wouldn't know how to place boundaries, we wouldn't know what to change. Without Saturn, without boundaries and trials, we wouldn't know what our emotional needs are and what we need to provide ourselves as self-care.

As a result, the childish parts of ourselves in the Moon participate in our growing up process as much as Saturn does. A truly refined individual is someone capable of mastering both sides of these equation.

[palms-upturned]

The horror of disco elysium and pjõl is distinction as separation I think… the way that everything in the story hinges on how well Harry can understand others and make himself understood, the theme of partners who are separated from one another, physically or emotionally or both. Harry conceptualizing Dora as a religious figure with the power to absolve or condemn him, to give him permission to live or take it away, to make sense of his pain and the apocalyptic fallout of their breakup when the truth is that it was a very common, mundane story of a failed relationship. People who tried and failed to understand each other, care for each other, create a future where they could comfortably exist together.

And it just didn’t work. That’s all. It just didn’t.

Because people grow and change in unpredictable ways, and they live through entirely different experiences that are difficult for others to understand, and histories and ideologies that we don’t even entirely understand shape the ways we perceive the world and each other and even ourselves from the moment we’re born.

STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST - "You asked that question because you're still under the influence of ideology. That's natural. You're like a fish that's only now discovering that her whole life has been dictated by the movements of sea currents."

STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST - "That's what ideology is. It's like there are these invisible forces everywhere, pushing and tugging you this way and that, and you don't even know they're *there*."

YOU - "What does this have to do with communism?"

STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST - "Everything, man. That is part of the communist project, to destroy the ideological structures that reduce men and women to these hollow shells of identity."

YOU - "Is it even *possible* to imagine a world without ideology?"

STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST - "Of course it's possible. Just extremely difficult. You practically have to be a world-historical individual to do it."

The appeal of the pale is that there is no distinction, no separation, not between people and not between times. No longing for the past, no pain in the present, no fear of the future. No misunderstandings between people. No loneliness. Everything becomes vapor and intermingles. But this is, essentially, a suicidal fantasy. Entropolism is portrayed as a kind of nihilist acceleration. If this world is doomed, then let’s hurry it the hell up and end all our fruitless suffering! It’s a position that doesn’t believe that there’s anything about the human experience worth holding onto. True love is possible ONLY in the next world for new people. It is too late for us.

And yet, it doesn’t seem to hold true at the end of the day, not even for someone like Tiago, who is one of the most extreme entropolists in the game.

TIAGO - "Might even be nice to have some company..."

EMPATHY - He said that in spite of himself. He's more attached to the human than he'd like to think.

Harry drives that car into the sea because he feels like it’s too late for him. He doesn’t believe he’ll ever be loved again. He feels a painful disconnect from the world around him, as someone straddling the line of living in the margins while also perpetuating the same marginalization that estranges him from others. But he survives the wreck and climbs out of the water and is immediately consoled by kind strangers who acknowledged his humanity and cared about him. For the rest of the game, we see him attempt to understand others and make himself understood to varying degrees of success. He is distinct and separate from others, but he is never alone.

To become vapor is to be alone. To be human is to be able to come together. Un jour je serai de retour près de toi.

ACELE - "Egg came with us. He made this wheezing puppy dog sound all the way back. Couldn't even speak."

ACELE - "It was definitely Coal City, because it took us two days to walk back to the Fau. He just wheezed the whole way, we never really asked him why he came with us. Or who he was. I think his name is Germaine..."

ACELE - "People are sweet," she says quietly.

EMPATHY - You can see it must have been a great night. The memory causes her to go silent for a moment or two.

[aro-culture-is]

Aroallo culture is constantly feeling like a degenerate

I have... more than a few things to say on this topic, but I will restrain myself to the two major points that have caused me to delay posting this.

For one: Internalized sex negativity ahoy!

In all honesty? I genuinely do not understand how sexual attraction without romantic attraction (or any other form of attraction, really) is supposed to be bad. I genuinely cannot tell you how wild it is to think that sexual attraction, one of the instincts that has generally been selected for among all sexual species similar to us, is somehow... morally incorrect? How much must we hate ourselves, see ourselves as the monster in a bedtime story, for the invisible Thought Crime of feeling like another person is attractive? It's okay. Literally the only "bad" is if your actions in response to a feeling are performed in malice or cause harm, and even then there's nuance that requires thought and communication, not mind-reading and assuming others will be disgusted.

Sincerely, please please please look into sex positivity. Read about it. Follow sex positive accounts, movements, and people. Let yourself feel in response, and ask yourself what does and does not speak with you. Engage in the topic. You don't have to believe it right away, but I promise you, it is well worth your time to expose yourself to resources that teach you another perspective that does not demonize the vast majority of the world in some strange and non-productive way, producing shame and little to show for it.

Secondly... degeneracy.

What a very, very loaded word. To summarize some points from Wikipedia, in terms of fact: the concept of degeneracy in this usage originates from the 19th century theory of social degeneration. The concept of heredity had yet to be fully understood in social degeneration's 18th century development, and this movement largely believed that habits of parents changed their child's biology. This, in turn, was used to explain a perceived decline in civilization. It took little time for the theory to appear in medical and zoological works, with the intent to explain why different ethnic groups exist. You may recognize this concept by a directly related one: eugenics.

The theory of degeneracy first grew fame when used to explain racial differences, and quickly spread from the medical field to psychiatry (ie, mentally ill individuals will produce more severely mentally ill children, and therefore should not continue their lineage) and criminology (particularly when combined with phrenology). It was associated with authoritarian political attitudes such as militarism, scientific racism, and support for eugenics. The development of degenerate theory both partially predates and partially follows the works of Gregor Mendel in describing the theory of evolution, and frankly, largely based its so-called scientific backing on incorrect understandings of evolution and poor science, using such understandings to prop up eugenicist beliefs.

Why do I say all this? I think it is very, very important to recognize the sociopolitical bullshit that props up the absolute pseudoscience that social degeneracy revolves around, and to state that anyone who truly believes in degeneracy does not actually have the best interest of other's in mind or heart except that of the current in-groups. if people in your life are using these theories and words, I want to empower you with knowledge that they are, scientifically and historically, very much in the wrong. I want you to be able to look at their words, and understand the context behind their beliefs, even if they themselves do not.

also, real talk: if you can, form other social networks. join a club, play social games, go to community events, anything it takes to experience people outside of those who give you this message. it'll do wonders for you to build social circles outside of that stuff.

tl;dr:

the origins of the theory behind the word "degenerate", as used today, are scientifically bullshit, politically and socially motivated, and largely were used to justify eugenics. i would recommend not trusting people who genuinely believe in degeneracy to have anyone's best interest at heart but their own, and that you are perfectly normal and fine as you are.

[talonabraxas]

Gemini Season 2024: Diversity and Paradox

On May 19, 01:37 PM —

On May 20, 09:00 AM EST, the Sun enters Gemini and Gemini season 2024 begins. The Sun is going to remain in the sign of the Twins until June 20, inviting us to develop adaptability, embrace diversity, and navigate the paradoxes and ambivalences of existence with an open mind.

Gemini season is especially relevant for those of us who were born with natal placements in Mutable signs (Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces). The individuals personally impacted by the beginning of Gemini season will have opportunities to strengthen their versatility, refine their communication skills, and gain a deeper awareness of how their mindset impacts their experience of reality.

From Taurus to Gemini season: Developing Adaptability and Versatility

Wherever the Sun transits, our conscious awareness goes: we can see the Sun’s journey through the Zodiac wheel as an invitation to gain deeper awareness of how we relate with different aspects of ourselves and of the world around us. Each season is an invitation to align with Nature’s rhythms and gain new insights into our relationship with different energies and archetypes.

The Sun is currently traveling from the first Fixed sign of the Zodiac to the first Mutable one. Since Taurus is an Earth sign and Gemini an Air sign, we can say that they embody their modality very strongly, being the most Fixed and the most Mutable of all the twelve zodiac signs. This shift of seasons is very palpable, and the Sun’s ingress into Gemini brings a breath of fresh air and a desire for change and novelty in our lives.

While Taurus season is a time of the year centered on grounding, consolidating, and building foundations, Gemini season is focused on embracing diversity, learning, and having a variety of experiences. During the Sun’s transit through Taurus, the spotlight goes on our relationship with stability, security, abundance, and wealth. The Sun’s transit through Gemini brings the spotlight to our relationship with adaptability and challenges us to develop more versatility, which marks a decisive contrast with the Fixed Earth energy of Taurus.

Gemini season 2024: Embracing Duality

While the Sun is in Gemini, the spotlight goes toward our relationship with our minds, our inner dialogue, the way we speak to ourselves and others, how we articulate what we perceive and see, and the way we put together the data we collect from our environment. Gemini, as an archetype, has to do with the process of understanding reality through our mental faculties and organizing the information we receive through logic and rationality. Ruled by Mercury, Gemini is the sign associated with the rational mind and inductive learning processes.

Gemini is symbolized by two Twins facing each other which offers us some insight into the nature of this archetype and its association with connection, communication, as well as duality.

Despite knowing that, at the deepest level, duality is ultimately an illusion, the human experience is characterized by duality. Gemini season is an interesting time to reflect on our relationship with duality and paradox. During this time, it can be interesting to notice how seeing life in terms of opposites such as day versus night, light versus dark, good versus bad, or success versus failure, contributes to shaping our perception of reality and ultimately dictates our relationship with it.

Navigating duality with self-awareness involves recognizing and embracing both the paradoxical nature of existence and our own internal paradoxes. Gemini season is a time to welcome paradox, welcome duality, welcome the simultaneous presence of opposites, and try not to fall into black-and-white thinking.

Sun in Gemini 'Love in Space' Talon Abraxas

[hiddensideoflife]

What we perceive and how we feel is our reality for better or worse. Until we realize that we can go beyond that, of course. The answers as to why you feel you are in prison resides in your own journey and perceptions.

Perhaps you come from abuse. It is understandable to feel imprisoned especially if it was repeated abuse that you were unable to escape for a number of months or even years.

Perhaps you are someone who seems to keep encountering the same type of relationships or circumstances and it feels you have no control to change this pattern.

Maybe you are psychologically depressed, anxious or dealing with a mental health issue.

Prison has a way of giving people the opportunity to do something they sometimes would not have done otherwise: reflect.

Think of how many people who went to prison and came out wiser, stronger, more resilient or even more in control of their life. There are also those who left prison who spiraled and fell deeper into despair, never being able to climb out of the hole they felt they were in.

Though you might be imprisoned figurately or physically, the one thing you are in control of is you. The Universe during this time has given you the ability to rewind time within the cavities of your mind to understand yourself more deeply and to see the world not as you have wished to see it, but as it truly is. Sometimes facing ourselves is painful. The human mind is often in denial about its own flaws so it projects. Or it is so co-dependent on the external world for happiness that it wallows in guilt.

Maybe it is difficult to accept that the world is not what you dreamed it would be. This is also not easy. It is often the reason why humans prefer to wither away in pain, as the ideal they seek the world and others to be is thought to be more feasible than accepting the world’s limitations. Becoming great within reality often seems more distant and not achievable over the fantasy many of us would prefer to live in.

It may be true that you are in fact, in prison, but just know, that is often the best place to be in when you wish to make a lasting change and it might be the Universe’s way of saving your life. What you do with this feeling and how you decide to navigate the journey inward often determines the outcome. Some people find a lot of the answers through religion, spirituality, journaling, mediation, or therapy. It could be one of those things or all of those things...perhaps they lead you to something altogether different. Either way, there are many tools. You get to choose.

Namaste…

[evermoortarot]

“Who are you?” “I am me.” “Ok well what do you do?” “I like to sing, read tarot, spend time talking with my family and healing wounds, going on walks in nature. I’m studying data analytics—“ “Oh! So you’re a student.” “…well yes, I study but that’s not who I am.” “No of course, but I guess I just wanted to know what you do to get to know you better.” “That’s fair but you originally asked me who I am. Being a student is not who I am.” “Then who are you?” “I am me.” “Yeah but what do you do? What are your interests? What are you passionate about? What’s your favorite music genre?” “I am more than happy to answer these questions but I just want to understand if you are asking me these things because you’d like to know my interests or if you’re asking me these questions to know how to perceive who I am based off your opinion of these topics?” “Well if it weren’t for our interests, we’d just be humans with like… no personality.” “But personalities and interests can change so it wouldn’t make sense for us to hold onto these things as permanent parts of who we are because then when we no longer resonate as much or at all with these interests it leaves us feeling insecure about our identity.” “So then what is your identity?” “That’s another way of asking ‘who are you’ and the answer remains the same. I am me.”

Why can’t we value ourselves for just existing? We live in a modern world where everywhere you look something new is being pointed out as better than what you have. It’s entirely our responsibility to stop caring. Victimizing gets us nowhere and simply feeds the cycle.

I am me. I’m not my name. I’m not anything I ever did or do in this life or any of my lives for that matter. I am just me. You are just you. And if that means being perceived as someone with no personality, then I would rather be a blank canvas to the world so that every connection I make has no prejudice attached to it. I’m over the superficial and rose-colored glasses. If you want to get to know me, know me. Study me. Talk to me. Do as you wish but just know that the labels you use to perceive me are yours. They don’t belong to me. If it makes perceiving me easier, do as you will. And if I change entirely tomorrow, know that I’m allowed to do that and it doesn’t mean I’m unstable or fake. It means I’m free from the chains of the society we live in where there’s a new label to further cage us in this depressing obsession with identity. As if humans are so black and white, devoid of complexities— and how naive of us as humans to believe we have it all figured out enough to put ourselves in these cages when we know very little about basically everything and our horizons expand every moment of everyday while we live in this bubble.

I’ve experienced more peace and understanding being out in the wilderness with an owl watching me as I walk past and a cat alongside me. I’ve dated many people but only truly fallen in love once because we didn’t need words to understand each other when we could see the future through our eyes. Our hearts fell first before we could even begin to articulate this intense longing between us because THAT is what real connection is. You can’t see that, even when it’s blatantly in front of you, when you’re so preoccupied with fitting comfortably in your birdcage of labels.

So the next time you ask yourself “who are you?” You know what to answer.

[girldragongizzard]

Chapter 20: A measurement of the future

A Megnitude is a unit of measurement of my own inner bullshit.

It’s really that simple.

It’s a Meghan thing. If you’re not a Meghan, you might not get it.

You can always change your name, of course. I did it!

In fact, I recommend it.

OK, so. I may be a dragon, but I’m also a trans girl. And we trans girls have a long and storied tradition of turning our own names into puns. We also have a common habit of looking in mirrors a lot and taking a whole bunch of selfies. It’s an understandable thing if you’ve had a lot of trauma over how you look – thank you, dysphoria – and especially if you’re in the process of healing from that. It’s actually healthy. Also, we end up having to draw a lot of boundaries, usually (though I’ve been kind of spared from that myself). And this tends to give us the reputation of being full of ourselves. At least, it’s a common criticism.

But, honestly, have you seen cis people? Holy shit, humans are so obsessed with how they look and how they’re perceived. And they criticize each other for it all the time, while dressing themselves up and grooming themselves carefully to be seen for what they feel they are. And trans people really aren’t the only ones posting selfies.

As a dragon, though, I’m definitely full of myself.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I was raised by humans, or if it’s my instincts, or if it’s because my instincts are derived from how humans have shaped dragons through the ages. But my status in this world is utterly dependent on who respects and supports me, and if that status falls I run the risk of being killed. Either attacked by another dragon, or mobbed by angry and hateful humans. Or starving due to lack of support and access to food.

If I don’t step forward and fill the shoes I’ve been given, I’m in trouble. And I could always feel that, throughout my whole life. I was, for the longest time, on the verge of death because I couldn’t fill the ones laid before me.

So, when one morning those shoes were covered in scales and tipped with talons, and they finally fit, you bet I stepped forward and called myself “queen”. I literally felt like one.

As I’ve pointed out before, I’m not actually a queen. But I think people have embraced the title and leaned into it because it’s part of the games of Supporting Your Local Trans Woman and of Taking Pride In Your Dragon. 

Wentin, on the other hand, probably kept bringing it up because it knows how to push the buttons of its victims.

But, very similarly to a drag queen, as a dragon I am a symbol of royalty, of what it maybe could or should be. Maybe a parody of it, but one to be taken seriously in a way when within my domain. Not that I rule anybody, but that I represent the reason why everyone in my territory is there and part of it.

And looking back, I can kind of see how it all played out that way, too.

My audacity to speak up first, to scream the loudest in the mornings, to speak to the press and the Mayor publicly, to write letters to all of the local politicians and to the people through the news media, it all got attention.

Similar to how all the rest of us focused on Säure as a symbol of what’s wrong in our world, I became the center of his focus.

And like how he was just the latest in a long line of stewards of his family’s wealth and power, and how that estate will continue long after his death, I’m just the loudest voice of my neighborhood.

Also, finally, the mistake that Säure made was that he ostracized his own support network while he focused on me, ignoring all the work that my friends were doing.

So if we’re going to celebrate his absence, and we can certainly do that, we must do two things in the process of that:

Remember that he wasn’t the problem, just a tiny part of it. And so be ready to lay the groundwork for the next battle.

Don’t congratulate me. Congratulate yourselves. You took him down. I was just there sticking my tongue out at him while you did it.

And, I don’t have any idea of what our future is going to be. This whole planet is on the precipice of so much disastrous change. And with the advent of us dragons, it’s only going to get weirder. Especially when mating season arrives.

Oh, and if anybody is wondering why the law hasn’t stepped in to straighten things out, and why I haven’t had a big showdown with the police or the military, consider this. It’s been less than two months. And the whole world is dealing with this. Fairport’s kind of a small corner of all that’s going on, and Säure’s downfall happened so fast.

Already elsewhere in the world, dragons are both being attacked by their local militaries and courted by them. But only the most high profile or the most vulnerable of dragons yet. That kind of action will come around here eventually, and maybe soon, but with the work of our Artists and what was going on with Rhoda, the local forces were overwhelmed, I’m sure.

And maybe everyone’s still waiting for the national election to decide things more seriously.

So.

In the meantime.

While we still have the time to say such things.

Those of you living here who stepped up and became part of what we were doing, thank you. Thank you, with all my heart and my gizzard, for becoming, however briefly, my family. Thank you for saving me.

Love,

Meg

—

I guess it’s a Sunday morning. Barely, still.

I know I decided to provoke Säure on a Saturday, one day ahead of my public plans. And that that would mean that the following day would be Sunday. Today, in theory. But somewhere in there I lost track of the days, and I almost don’t care anymore.

I don’t think I know the date, just that we’re still in October. Presumably.

I could look at a computer, tablet, or phone or something to find out.

Instead, I’m licking the air above my tea in Rhoda’s living room, filling the silence between her vocalizations with long slow blinks.

I’ve never described her apartment, but now that I guess I live here I might as well.

The layout is identical to what used to be my apartment. It’s sort of a C shape. You walk in the front door and after the short entry vestibule you’ll find yourself passing through the kitchen. To your right will be the sink and dishwasher, framed by the oven and the fridge. To your immediate left will be the door to the bathroom. It doesn’t take very many steps to go from there to the living room, which extends to your left. It doubles as a dining room if you put a table and chairs in half of it. The outside wall, opposite the door, has four windows. Then, if you turn left and walk the length of the room, you’ll find the door to the bedroom, and if you turn to go in there you’ll have turned 180 degrees from entering the apartment. The bedroom’s kind of small. There’s a closet tucked in between the bathroom space and the building’s hallway. To get to the bathroom from the bedroom, you have to walk back through the living room and the kitchen, but it’s not so far that you’ll pee before you get there.

But any apartment in the building will be exactly like that. I don’t think they even mirror them. So, the doors aren’t across from each other in the hallway, you have to go up or down the hallway a little to get to any neighbor.

But what makes it Rhoda’s is what she’s put into it, of course.

Her favorite colors seem to be shades of burgundy, various hues of green, and bone, with accents of gold or brass. And I can’t overemphasize the importance of green and bone in her life. She’s managed to find textiles with patterns of these colors and decorated both floor and wall spaces with them. And then, between woven wall hangings, she has photos of her child, Jacob, and of places that seem important. I know that some of them are places that they’d visited together, and others were related to where her family had grown up. And most of them are black and white, but not all. Those with color are intensely green. And every photo that’s hanging looks like it was taken by a professional photographer preparing for a gallery opening in New York, I imagine.

Very artsy.

She’s the photographer.

In the livingroom, there are the low bookshelves with books I think I should read, topped with ceramics and carved wooden things. Everything there was either found in a thrift store, garage sale, or a free bin. She’s spent quite a long time collecting it all. None of it came from her parents, I’m told. She’s as proud of it as I am of my junk, only she has reason to be.

And interspersed between all of that is her crochet supplies and projects.

The central piece of her living room is her coffee table which, as I’ve described before, is full of magazine clippings of animals from all over the world. Many of them are pretty standard fare for zoos and children’s books, gorgeous creatures that everyone is familiar with. But the rest of them are really exotic and strange, the types of creatures you learned about as a kid but then grew to believe couldn’t be real. Or the bizarre monsters from the deep that you didn’t learn about until just yesterday on your favorite social media or something.

I love that table so much.

What little furniture she has is eclectic and from different eras of design, but still managing to fit her themes of color.

And when I lick the air to enjoy my tea, I also pick up the volatile compounds from all over the rest of her apartment, and her sweat, of course, no matter how much she tries to hide it with soaps, deodorants and perfumes. My tongue is just that sensitive. It's also my favorite scent. Something natural.

The strongest smells, though, are the spices from her kitchen, the wax of the few candles she owns and uses, and her favorite perfume, which is reasonably floral but also a little herby and spicy.

I’ve never been a fan of perfumes of any sort, and hers still stings my tongue now. But I’m developing a sense of comfort in it anyway.

I really like the teas she has, as I’ve been rotating through them, because they’re all strong enough to couch my tongue in their esters and tannins and carry me mentally to various realms of vegetation and imagination.

Anyway, I don’t really see much of her bedroom. It’s her lair, not mine. I get to enjoy my spot in her living space, and sleep on my rug near the door, and that suits me just fine. I’d never fit on her bed with her in it, even as small as I am for a dragon. 

And I can’t sleep in my human disguise. I tried it once, and woke up in full dracoform. It really is like holding a muscle tight. I can’t help but relax it when I lose consciousness.

I can start sleeping on the roof again, though, with Säure gone. But I’m probably going to save that for the warmer months, unless Rhoda needs me to give her more space.

It doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen, though, because right now she’s talking about eventually moving and asking me if there’s any way I could move with her. By which, I mean she wants me around wherever she goes, apparently.

“I love the community here. I really do. And if I do move, I’m going to really miss the coffee shop. Maybe more than I’m willing to admit. But, Meghan, I still always feel like an outsider here,” she says. “I need… more diversity. I can’t put it any other way. I need more people who are like me, and I need more different kinds who aren’t. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yes,” I say, because I’m pretty sure I know what she’s saying. Not because I feel remotely the same. I don’t need to. This makes sense to me.

My people, dragons, are extraordinarily diverse. But, before we knew we were a people, I was living amongst so, so many human beings who looked like me, and I was as lonely as anyone can get. However, very, very few of the people in this town are like Rhoda. It’s gotta suck.

The whole Pacific Northwest is notoriously bad for this. But, within this region, even moving down to Seattle would give us a wider range of people to meet and interact with, if we can get past that Seattle freeze thing.

That’s the other problem with this area. It takes a long, long, long time and some sort of secret password to get past friendly acquaintance to make a close friendship around here. Or, even to simply be considered a local. Some people were born here and have never been able to achieve it.

“I know that moving’s a really fraught topic for you dragons, of course,” she continues. “You’ve got your territories, and your humans, and your own politics. But, do you think you could look into it for me? Explore the idea?”

I tilt my head in question.

“You know I’m not moving without you,” she says. “Consider that a given.”

I pull my head up a little higher.

“Don’t give me that,” she says. “Meghan, I’ve adopted you. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve had my moments. And I want you to really understand this. I’m not your prize. I’m not something you’ve just won by surviving whatever’s just happened. I found you. You’re part of my hoard. And I guess I like taking care of you, when you’re not galavanting around doing dragon shit all day, and I don’t want to stop doing things that I like. We should all get to do things we like.”

I very carefully smile at her instead of doing anything else, to make sure she knows I’m acknowledging her.

“And, also, about the immortal thing,” she says, taking an even more stern tone. “I’m going to tell you that I hear you. And I accept you. Even if you turn out to be some monstrously long lived thing of narrative spirit or something. Even if you see the end of the universe as you said. I think I’m even ready to accept that. Because, right now, you’re just you, and I get to know you as you currently are. And that’s what matters to me. But also, maybe because it gives me something that I find I can’t let go of.”

She stops. She doesn’t explain that. There’s a little bit of a tear in her eye, but she doesn’t wipe it. She lets it sit, and then nods.

“We’ve got to get you another tablet or something. I like talking, but I like hearing your voice, too,” she tells me. Then she leans over to fish her phone out of her purse, which she then turns on and puts down on the table, pushing it toward me. “Use that. You get to tell me anything you need to, you know. Tell me I’m full of shit with this move thing, if you have to. Though I might well argue with you about it if you do.”

I pull myself into my princess disguise to pick up the phone and open the AAC app, saying with my syrinx, “Thank you.”

“Of course, Sweetheart,” she says.

Then I type out what I can, “I don’t feel like talking. I am enjoying my silence. Talking is work. I’m Tired.”

“Yeah, OK,” she says. “After yesterday, you get to be tired. We all do.”

We sit and enjoy each other’s company for a while, like we’ve gotten used to, and it’s good.

Then I say, “My family is in Seattle. I want to visit them. It might go bad.”

She nods, and says, “I’d go with you if I could. But don’t let me hold you back, if flying down there’s easier.”

I smile. Then I decide to offer her another thought, thumbs tapping the screen rapidly, “I think if I move, it will have to be out in the country, away from any cities. On the edge of any territories.”

I try to do that thing where humans move their mouth sideways and attempt to look sardonic, or wry, or conciliatory. Like a visual, “I’m sorry, but I also understand.” 

She reacts like I got it right.

“Let’s survive the next few months and give it some years,” she says, waving her hand. “I’ve still got lots of bacon cinnamon rolls to eat downstairs, anyway.”

I frown in my way, which means I open my little human mouth a little, and type, “You helped me so much. I wouldn’t be the me I am now without you. Moving will help you. What else?”

“Friendship isn’t an exchange or trade, Meghan,” she says.

“What else?” I repeat.

“Well, OK, you’re holding it,” Rhoda leans forward a little and points at her phone. Then she jerks her head up and says, “Exit out of that app and click on Docs. Open the first file and read it.”

I do as she says, and while I do she continues talking a little.

“I can’t remember if I told you I was writing this. But I’ll repeat myself anyway.” She points at the phone some more, poking her finger at the air. “You really are the only person I know who can help me edit it. At least before I send it to a publisher or something. Either way, I need you to read it. Please.”

After another moment’s pause she speaks again.

“I told you that you had a lot in common. I don’t think I’ve said just how much. Maybe I was embarrassed or something. Maybe in denial.”

—

Jacob

Preface

I will never be done grieving, but it’s been too long and I am more than ready to start celebrating my child’s life again. I invite you to do it with me.

Let’s let him live in these pages and our hearts!

On August 24th of this year (2024), something strange happened to us all that I think he would have just loved. Three days later, it was his 26th birthday. And on that day, I decided to give my best friend a present in his name, though I didn’t tell her that at the time.

It was a small, cheap gift, one that cost me only a couple dollars for an app. It was the ability to talk. And I think that may have changed everything for her. Just like it did for Jacob and me when he finally put his own words together.

Talking isn’t the most important thing a person can ever do. There’s lots of other ways to communicate, too, of course. But so much of what we do in the world with each other is use words.

So when someone doesn’t talk when you expect them to, it can be profound. It can, sometimes, shake you to your core.

When your child doesn’t start talking at least by the age of two, you know something is going on. When the silence goes on to three and four years old, you start looking for reasons and maybe you start thinking you should have looked earlier.

But with Jacob, I had a way of talking without our voices a lot of the time, and that felt special. He taught me how, honestly, by reaching for what he wanted.

Once I realized that that was all I was going to get out of him for a while, I would see if he wanted anything by holding up various objects or foods to see his reaction. And if he ignored me, I knew he didn’t care for it. But if he looked at it and reached for it, it was his to have. And he did reach for me, too. At least I had that.

Over time, and fairly quickly, we developed a lot of ways of communicating non-verbally. Some of them were just like how most people do with their families, and others were unique between the two of us. But I’ll get into that in the rest of the book.

Maybe to the point that I’m getting to, I  also knew he could hear me, because I started reading and talking to him as soon as he was born. And even though most of the time he didn’t show the kind of outward interest that most children are said to show, he still would react to my voice sometimes. And when he started walking, he’d actually mind me, especially if I explained why I wanted him to do things or avoid other things.

I didn’t have nearly as much help as I should have, especially since I wouldn’t let his sperm donor into his life, or mine. And that is all I will mention about that man in this book, or ever. But without that help, I also didn’t have a lot of voices telling me what I should or shouldn’t do to parent him, and I went with what seemed to work for him. And I went with love.

I think that is so important. And he did show love back, in his own way.

That I was able to do this still amazes me, though. I had good friends at the time, who watched him too, and let me lead in parenting him, and I’m sure that’s what saved us both.

People really need their friends.

In any case, here is the part that I think is relevant to so many people now.

His favorite book right from the getgo was Everyone Knows What a Dragon Looks Like by Jay Williams and Mercer Meyer. So I read that to him every day. In the first days I was reading it to him it was really beyond his comprehension, but I loved the artwork so much that I just had to show it to him anyway. But I think he got it pretty quick.

And then, when we started going to the library together, he’d drag me over to the section where all the dragon books were and pick out a new one for me to read to him over and over again while we had it checked out. This was during that time when dragon books were all the rage and coming out in droves. It was the best timing.

And if this seems like a coincidence to anybody, I assure you it’s not. It is, absolutely, one of the reasons I was drawn to my best friend. When she spoke in the coffee shop about dragons, which she did whenever anyone mentioned them for some reason within earshot (and you really wouldn’t be surprised how often that happens in a college town coffee shop), it always reminded me of Jacob. When she was able to talk like that, she had the same manner as he did.

Because, I did, one day, finally get to hear Jacob’s first words.

You know, when you start hearing about autism, you start hearing stories like this, and you might think, “Oh, no. That’s too fantastic to be true.” Or, “None of the autistic children I’ve known have been like that.” But autistic people are all so different. Each one is such a unique treasure, with their own unique joys and challenges. And occasionally, one of them is just like one of the stereotypes or fairy tales.

Jacob was hyperlexic. By age six he was insisting on reading all of his own books, silently at the table, back straight, flipping the pages himself, when most children are still struggling to learn to read in first and second grade.

And, of course, I let him, because I was proud of him and it gave me time to get other things done.

Then, one day, without looking up from his book he said, in a bit of a clipped carefully pronounced monotone, “Mama. Did you know that some people used to worship dragons. They made friends with them. And fed them food. And the dragons protected them and kept them safe.”

He didn’t know how to inflect a question to make it sound like one, but I was shocked. 

Of course, I knew the first words out of his mouth would be about dragons, if he ever spoke. Dragons were his passion. His first special interest, as the doctors would say much too late in his life. But I was not prepared for full sentences.

I think I was too floored and thrilled that my child was so articulate that I didn’t realize just what he was saying, even when he said the next thing.

And then he looked right at me.

But not in the eyes.

And said, “You feed me, so I will protect you.”

[the-fae-folk]

I think that the pronoun "fae" makes no absolutely sense. Even though if you perceive yourself as a fairy. It's like... Still identifying with a fairy is questionable, but.... in the case you were a real fairy the pronoun is still non-useful. Pronouns are for genre, not for specie or race. What do you think about?

Personally, I do not really find that it makes much sense to me either. However, there is little harm in letting people use whatever term, title, or label makes them happy. While it can be true that identifying with the folk could be questionable, it need not be a bad thing. While I have spoken extensively on the dangers the fair ones present to mortals in those old tales, there is still so much good that comes from them in other stories. Is it truly so terrible a thing to want to identify with something so complex and wonderful? To wish for something that can surprise us again and again each time we delve deeper into its mysteries? To long for something that can teach us as much about ourselves as it can another culture?

You say that even for a real fairy the pronoun would be non-useful. I disagree on that. While perhaps you or I may not be able to make much use of it, as we cannot find our sense within it, even you cannot deny that others must have found something in it that gave them more than they had before. Else why would they cling so desperately to it? They must see a bit of themselves within it, or at least the self that they wish to become. That seems useful enough to me. Identity is so fickle and strange. Our true names are ever-shifting and dancing as we ourselves grow into new people at every moment. Yet change and the unknown are frightening to many. Being human is so very hard, and so many feel like they may lose themselves to the demanding flow and ebb of the world around them. So they grasp at the things that help them to create the person they wish to be, regardless of the sense or the linguistic rules. It is something they do so that they may create at least one thing to anchor them to the known and the safe, they can craft themselves as they wish to become. Pronouns exist in many forms and types, and in many languages. There are ones that indicate gender, but there are ones that indicate a level of formality, or politeness, inclusiveness or exclusiveness, and which noun phrase you are referring to in a complex sentence. They have so many uses, but the one thing they share is that they are intended to bring some kind of clarity to the language being spoken. So...if we find that we cannot understand, and see no sense in such things, then the question we might ask ourselves is this: Who is this intended to bring clarity to? Is it me? Or is it them? They are using these many odd pronouns like a signpost set to mark the way as they explore the paths of their identity. To help themselves navigate the twisted mazes of the self. Certainly they might ask others they meet to call them by whatever pronouns they have chosen, but that too is so that they might hear you calling and know that it is truly them you have met along the road and not a stranger they do not know how to be and could never wish for. So, in an unexpected way, the nonsense they have crafted out of whimsy and self-discovery has found a sense in itself after all. Unconventional, and certainly unexpected, but perhaps not so bewildering and frustrating as we might believe at a glance.

And even if that is so, perhaps you should reconsider your stance upon the sense and nonsense of life. I have wondered at so many things in this strange and hauntingly beautiful world. Is it so very strange that I have come to believe that not everything must make sense, that not everything must have a well defined purpose? I believe that it is often enough for them to just be as they are, for no reason other than the joy in their existence. There is just as much beauty to be found the nonsense as there is the sense, one only needs to learn how to see.