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☆ de fontaine
{☆} characters furina {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort {☆} word count 1.4k
This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!
She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.
She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.
Furina is tired.
But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?
So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.
Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.
Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.
An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.
She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.
She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.
She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.
And Furina has always been good at lying.
It's the believing that's the hard part.
There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?
Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.
She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?
She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.
Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?
Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.
Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?
They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?
"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"
Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.
Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.
Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.
Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.
"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.
But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.
They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.
She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.
If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..
Furina will make sure they do.
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#fic tag#furina#so um. looks around. okay look. i know im like THE ts@r1ts@ dealer (censored so it doesnt show in tags. hopefully)#but the moment i saw furi in fontaine the day it released she became my fav even more then the tsaritsa SORRY SHES SO..#this is my love letter 2 furi (making her suffer unimaginable horrors)#open ended kinda in case i decide on making a sequel maybe#furi makes me feel cuteness aggression so bad i start acting like a rabid animal#furina the woman that you are. thats my girlprince meow meow id kill someone for her#playing her part as archon so well but being so horribly irrefutably human in every way..#five hundred years not even knowing what the real plan was. when it would end. knowing if she slipped up it was over.#and in the end almost no one knew what really happened. a select few people know the real weight of her sacrifice.#furina's story was always a tragedy. it was never going to be anything but a tragedy.#and thats one of the most tragic parts of it isnt it? she didnt know how itd end. she didnt know her story was always going to be a tragedy#furina never knew a thing. and still she did it for the people of fontaine and succeeded.#how do you define “yourself” when you havent existed for 500 years?#to be so selflessly human you give up “yourself” to save people who will never know of your sacrifice.#sometimes i think about the confrontation on the stage and have a week long mental breakdown#sacrificing EVERYTHING for fontaine and still. still! the people closest to you turn on you.#heavy on clorinde. she was as close 2 furi as neuvi fight me on this. i bite.#her bodyguard and friend and she ends up staring down her blade wondering if this is it. she failed. she failed them all#because even when faced with the trial. with losing everything. she still thought only about fontaine. oh furina.#do you think she has nightmares. wonders if she was never meant to win this game of g-ds. that her story was always meant to be a tragedy?#do you think she still wonders if she was ever meant to have a chance at a happy ending? a doomed tragedy from beginning to end
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haha I'll never finish this
but hewwo new followers <3
#star wars#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch fanart#but the idea is cool so have this bleurg#today I broke a teeth and I don't know how#got an appointment but not before a week#it's annoying to eat 'cause the sensation is weird#maybe it will motivate me to lose weight tho#so I could finally pass this threshold of 2 pull ups in a row to 3#and finally go to the gym without my emotional support elastic bands#do strength training with your own bodyweight they say#it will be cheap they said#yeah guess what it's hard when you're afab lol#in the meantime doing legs is easy but eeeh no one do squat competition in party#it's always “hey look how much pull ups I can do”#gnagnagna#hey people who read my tags comment which clone would win a pull up competition if you read this#ok I need to sleep#bye
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i think part of the reason people are so hateful about fat people is because theyre not fat, even though they put little to no effort into their diet and daily activity levels. even if they dont live healthy lifestyles and theyre not trying to, and theyre still a "normal" weight. and because theyre ignorant and resistant to learning about how peoples bodily functions vary wildly, anyone who is fat must have brought it upon themselves by being extra lazy or extra glutinous and if they were normal they wouldnt be fat and its soooo easy to not be fat because look at them theyre not fat. which is so fucking stupid because so many people complain about how skinny people exist without "earning" how skinny they are, theyre literally just like that even if they eat tons of food because they're trying desperately not to be skinny. but the opposite cant be true for fat people apparently. fatness is always a direct consequence of abnormal habits apparently.
#e.txt#tw fatphobia mention#i know people assume skinny people eat nothing all the time too but every skinny ass mf i meet is like omg i can eat so much and not gain#anything teehee#and i see so many skinny ppl will flood comments of fat positive ANYTHING talking about how they hate being skinny so much and eat so much#to try to gain weight but its not working#like skinny ppl wont shut up about how hard it can be to gain weight but god forbid a fat person suggest its hard to loose weight bc then#theyre just being lazy.#ppl will tell me i should eat less to lose weight meanwhile im living off an orange and a cup of nuts for brunch#and 1/2 salmon filet a cup of rice and veggies for dinner#and i walk 8 hours a day 3 times a week.#if i eat less i will get nauseous i will get dizzy i will get a migraine and i will be a bitch#yes obviously this is a personal grievance but like am i wrong?#rant#probably less than a cup of rice even i make a cup and then split it in half with my partner and sometimes dont even finish it
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Find A Doctor Who Doesn't Focus On My BMI Challenge (Impossible)
#mazz kicks fibro's ass#they always go 'oh youre fat have you ever tried not being fat'#like sir ive actually BEEN losing weight#i bike 15 miles a week#i eat straight frozen veggies for lunch#i walk 2 hours a day#im the most active ive ever been#how about you do your job and treat my fucking nerve pain instead of playing dietician
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#heartfelt thank you for everyone who bared with me these past two weeks and kindly did not unfollow through my bad vibes posts#i clearly underestimated how much cutting carbs would effect me mentally while at the same time pmsing#im over the hump now as ive felt a million times better mentally and physically the past couple days!#love you guys so much#sappy time over#btw im not dieting to lose weight i actually love my weight#i noticed that it was getting really hard for me to move around#i have cerebral palsy so its ALWAYS hard to move around but the past few months i had felt like i was physically 90 years old#so i did some research and found that it could be inflammation in the body#and a good way to curb that is lowering your carb intake#which id devastating bc carbs make the world go round#but its worked. while i was mentally and moody the first 2 weeks- my body hasnt felt this great and mobile in a few years#lots of things to say here huh
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I really really really really really fucking wish that I didn't hang on to petty bull shit that my parents say despite being nearly 30 years old
#and it's usually shit they mean nothing by#but those little digs and remarks are still fuxkibg irksome af#my struggles with eating are not known to very many people because i rarely talk about it outside of my very tight circle of like 4 people#and no one thinks the fat girl struggles with thqt#even if they don't say it out loud i can tell when certain people don't see it as a problem since I'm losing weight#or just don't believe me#anyway i bought a 2 piece from kfc yesterday and got 2 extra sides bc i was very hungry and high af#my dad just HAD to be like dAmN lAuRen#and i know he meant how much i spent on everything#which also not his business but i digress#it's hard to make myself spend money on food sometimes because I'm painfully aware of how fucking poor i am#fast food like 1-2 times a week special groceries and my thc vape are usually the only luxuries i get outside like streaming#sometimes i don't have the executive function to make food or i have sleep for dinner bc that or poverty#so comments like that do piss me off#and whether i agree or disagree isn't the point#you don't get to pick what does and doesn’t stick#I'm just over everything idk#personal
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#weight tw#weight mention tw#i keep looking at close ups and body shots of max and like.#how did he even lose that much weight within 2-3 weeks#his face and body now vs. their vacation pics?????#and he loves food!!!!! LET HIM EAT#IT MAKES ME MADDDDDD#and sad lmao#this is stupid but like.
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#not fallout#kal talks#negative#tbd#but man.#whenever i hit an anxiety spiral it really fucks with my appetite to the point that ill go days without eating much#like i can manage 1200 calories over 3 days#its not anxiety /about/ eating its iust that im anxious so i have no appetite and eating is really difficult#ive lost another four pounds#i can see my hipbones and my ribs#ive already got a borderline ED and struggle with food avoidance and it really concerns me that this could trigger fullblown anorexia#i think the reason ive been struggling with art and lethargy the last few days is because i havent eaten much#and im fucking tired all the time#and it doesn't help that my mom keeps pointing out how skinny ive gotten#covid made me lose weight and then the thing in march happened snd i couldnt eat for like 2 weeks#October and November were high spikes in anxiety for me too and i could barely manage anything#but like. christ. i can feel my heart beating and how i keep getting lightheaded from standing up and that always happened#but i feel like its gotten worse#fuck man idk. im not underweight for my height but its just the fact that i have not managed to eat much in the last 3-4 days#long ass complicated rant over im gonna delete this later.
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I'm allergic to so many foods there may literally be no feeding tube formula that I can have ahahaha
#i dont want a central line i dont want one! i dont want it.#but i *also* dont want to be so fucking depressed that yeah my Basic Nutrition labs are wnl but im still falling asleep standing up#hair falling out losing weight etc etc but hey your zinc and iron are normal! you cant stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time and youre#miserable mentally and physically to the point you wanna die a little but hey! this one blood test i did was normal#cross your fingers that this dietician is good on tuesday. because she will decide what happens next#like hello sepsis risk as long as i can Feel Happiness again#oh no if she prescribed one on tuesday it would be set up that week and i would have to figure out how to keep a sterile field several times#a day with 6 other people in the house including a 3 year old an extra dog and my own cats. im going to say i cant handle it and then i#am going to handle it like i always do and have a breakdown to my therapist later its Fine
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How to Lose Weight Fast in 2 Weeks 10kg - "Shedding the Pounds"
Introduction: Losing weight can be a challenging journey, but with the right approach and determination, it is possible to achieve your weight loss goals in a short period. In this comprehensive guide, we will delve into the strategies and techniques to help you lose weight fast within two weeks and shed an impressive 10kg. It’s important to remember that sustainable weight loss requires a…
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#fastest way to lose weight#how can i lose weight fast#how to lose 10 kgs#How to Lose Weight Fast#how to lose weight fast in 2 week#How to Lose Weight Fast in 2 Weeks 10kg#lose weight in 2 weeks#Weight Lose#weight lose tips#Weight Loss#weight loss 2 weeks#Weight Loss Tips
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#i am not gonna lie. it is so hard seeing anything in society in general/especially online about weight loss--#that isn't literally just 1.) a scam or 2.) promoting an eating disorder#like i just wanna lose 15 lbs before a trip/the summer just because#(not that anyone should feel they have to or anything etc etc)#but everything i see is like 'wanna slim up?? pay me 140$ right now for magic protein powder!!' or 'eat nothing & manifest your thinness !!'#like i'm so. tired.#not that i want to blame people with an ed it is after all a disorder & i can sympathize struggling with disordered eating#but i don't wanna fall down that rabbit hole again you know?#sigh i dunno. i did find one yt channel where this guy broke down those 'eating 500 calories a day' tiktoks & promoted different healthy--#eating instead so at least that's something#but i don't wanna talk with anyone else about it because my family all just laughs it off when i say i wanna lose weight--#because even if i don't eat out for two weeks if someone else takes me out suddenly they start joking about how i'm not serious ://#wow this is getting way out of hand sorry--#tw vent#tw food#tw weight loss#rose.txt
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#please do not read further if you're triggered by disordered eating in any way shape or form thank you 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#I've gained so much weight these last 2 months I can't stand the feeling of my own body#I don't even know how much i gained#but it feels like too much#im short so even a little is noticable#i. I don't wanna kno how much I've gained#but i feel so. i feel so fat. in a wrong way#I've been binging too much#and then starving myself too much#and then binging again#week off week on#and im. I've covered all my mirrors i only wear stretchy clothes I haven't lefy home much#I don't know how much I've gained really#but i feel so wrong. too fat. too round#it isn't bad to be fat or round. but I'm not healthy. like. I've been binging and binging and it's#I can't. i feel like it's hopeless to try and eat normally bc i won't lose this weight fast enough#even starving myself I won't lose it fast enough#i can lose it in a month. month and a half. if i do things right#but it's still... seems so far away#like i have to spend yet another month without looking at myself in the mirror#when I've already spent 2 months without doing so#i feel so fucking ugly#anyways i promise I don't post about this often#but i wanna tear my own skin off my fucking body#it's been 12 years of this i want out i want out i want out#ed tw
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#how to lose 10kg in 1 month without exercise#how to lose fat#how to lose weight fast without exercise overnight#healthcare#lose weight without exercise only diet#how to lose weight without exercise in a week#how to lose weight in 2 days without exercising
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#Warning: I talk about nausea and vomitting and weight loss medication in these tags so. Be careful.#The worst part of taking a weight loss medication is the unbearable feeling that you’re about to throw up#And knowing that you very well might throw up even despite anti-nausea medication and pepto bismal#The first time I took this medication a month ago (it’s a weekly injection but I wait 2 weeks between shots because of this)#I got so unbearably sick. I threw up on three separate occasions on consecutive days and it was the worst#My dad also took the medication and had a terrible reaction too#What’s strange is that the last time I took my shot 2 weeks ago I was fine#Legit no nausea or vomitting whatsoever#Today… definitely not.#I think it may have to do with how much I eat#The first time I took the shot I overate to try and counter the nausea#(It may seem counter intuitive but on lower doses of this medication being hungry would also make me nauseous so I would eat more to try#and counter the nausea. But clearly that was not the right decision oof)#Last time though I didn’t eat that much from the get go and was fine.#Legit I was eating less than 1000 calories a day. Which in and of itself is honestly bad…#This time I ate a lot more like the first time and now I’m nauseous again#I think I may have to stop this medication outright… it’s helping me lose weight yeah. But at what cost?#(Also I know that being overweight isn’t a terrible thing and all. But I personally don’t feel comfortable physically at a higher weight#but struggle a lot to lose weight because of pain and lethargy. So the weight loss medication sucks but I find the side effects worth it..#for the most part that is. The nausea and vomitting is a bit much for me though…)#Anyway sorry for the rambling tags#I’m using this as a way to distract myself from the nausea while the anti-nausea medication hopefully kicks in#Luckily it is helping and I’m starting to feel a bit less nauseous…#Knock on wood of course#Ugh never mind.#I got up from#the bathroom and my stomach started roiling again#Time to sit quietly in the living room and sip water with a cool fan on me to try and settle my stomach again…#Of course this woke me up too so it’s like… 6 am and I’m the only one in my household awake#Anyway sorry again for the ramble. Thanks for reading if you got this far. .-.
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ive been on these antidepressants for 2 months and theyve done nothing. which is very annoying
#its not like i thought theyd magically change my entire life or something#but idk i thought theyd do. literally anything#my post#all they did was make me have a 2 week long period in june#im just gonna wait till i see my doctor next to talk about it cause like whatever#think he prescribed me these to help me lose weight? somehow? idk how?? it hasnt worked anyway#i dont think he even knows anything about pcos which like. ok. if ur gonna treat afab patients i think you should know that at least#its a pretty common condition that also very heavily affects ones relationship with weight just saying#whateverrrrr whatever ugh#ignore me#i kinda wonder if i should look for a different pcp but idek how to find one whos like. idk better for me somehow#idek what id look for </3#whatever thats an issue for another day
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