#i can lose it in a month. month and a half. if i do things right
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I'm thinking this idea so hard that I definitely have to write it down, but shit!! It's hard for me to capture Shen Yuan's chaotic vibes in a good narrative way
So it begins like this: Shen Yuan transmigrates. Not into Shen Qingqiu. He opens his eyes and there are two massive tits crushing him, a luxurious room, a garish and bitchy System with kaomojis. Well, he's a wife. A Binghe's wife.
Shen Yuan wants to run away, obviously. Get his penis back, get his MASCULINE MALE MANTASTIC body back, and get as far away from Binghe and the harem and their shitty dramas as possible. He doesn't need that, no thanks. The System obviously doesn't let him. [ You're a wife, user!!! You must behave like the original goods until you collect enough points to unlock the OOC!! ]
And the shit begins. Little harem dramas. Uncovering clues like silly children's puzzles. Shen yuan is fed up, bored, moody, hated by many wives (apparently the original goods were not in good standing. Half-demon, which is good- more power and more strength when escaping!!, but not for a harem wife. Especially since that body is 5'10" and is strong as a sword instead of submissive and bendable like the other sweet wives).
Even though the System keeps putting him in shitty situations, the truth is that there is no trace of Binghe during the first week. Nor the second. By the third, Shen Yuan gets a little worried. According to the current storyline, he shouldn't be far away... No wars, no new wives, just a missing Binghe. Shen Yuan snoops around Binghe's office with such bad luck that Binghe definitely shows up at that moment.
And Binghe looks... Tired. He's tired and grumpy, treating the wife with ice-cold kindness, and Shen Yuan treats him back. It's not that he wants to! It's not that he's offended to see his favorite and be horrible to him! It's the fucking shitty System! If Shen Yuan could, he would be on his knees before Binghe being pathetic and pitiful to ensure his protection!!
But he can't. Binghe sends him away after a cold and hostile encounter and Shen Yuan runs away in a dignified manner (running after the corridor where Binghe can't see him anymore is different).
The next morning, Shen Yuan makes a plan: he will do whatever it takes to get his last damn twenty points to activate OOC mode and get the hell out. Nope, no more Binghe for him. One taste was enough. Thanks but no thanks.
What gets complicated is when one of Binghe's personal servants!!! goes to his room. Binghe is inviting this lady wife to have breakfast with him. And Shen Yuan... He can't say no. Partly because of the System, partly because of the ambition for points, partly because he wants to try Binghe's food. And because he wants to... see Binghe. Again. He's his favorite, okay, don't judge him, maybe Binghe was just tired and being hostile to him. The duties of an Emperor are many and Shen Yuan was invading his private territory. Aaaaand he's a wife, after all, he can't treat him like that aaaaaall the time...
Binghe's breakfast is a delight. In his month at the palace, he has eaten nothing more delicious. Binghe is darkly charming: Shen Yuan asks about her (him), how she (he) is, how she (he) has been. Shen Yuan learns two things: the original goods had only been in the harem for a month and week when Shen Yuan usurped his body, and Luo Binghe doesn't know much about his wife, which means he can improvise answers without losing his in-character personality. The System even gives him +5 points for improvising!!
... +5 points that go to hell when Luo Binghe exposes a scroll on the table. Written in the original goods handwriting... it's a divorce application!!
"I was in my office" says Binghe as the System takes 50 points from him of a blow.
Of course Binghe is going to be wrong now. Of course he is believing that Shen Yuan filed for divorce the day before, when he found him in his office!! Damn original goods, why divorce Binghe!? Does divorce even exist in PIDW!? WHY!?
Shen Yuan makes up excuses, loses at least 20 more points, makes up more things again and sadly crawls with only 15 points in his favor and a rather furious Binghe.
Why does this wife want to abandon Binghe? This emperor has been kind, does this wife want something different? Shen Yuan makes up that he never imagined being married to an absent husband, capable of making him feel so lonely in a nest of other lonely women... And Binghe seems genuinely affected by it. Ah, loneliness, the weapon Binghe knows firsthand. An isolated and caring newcomer, being mocked and humiliated by others, seeking to remain resilient. Binghe, this one promises that he didn't use your past traumas on purpose!!
Binghe promises that he will change her (his) mind. He will be a present husband and make her (him) feel comfortable. Which makes Shen Yuan's escape plans go to fuckin hell. Bye bye, xianxia male body! Hello, another weeks of back pain from huge boobs!
And Binghe delivers on his promise, unfortunately. What's it costing you to be a normal man and forget your promises every day, damn protagonist!!
Shen Yuan wakes up with breakfast from Binghe, continues his day with walks with Binghe, ends his afternoon with dinner with Binghe, and dodges the papapa like a champ. Binghe is patient, considerate. Their conversations are charming, but Shen Yuan can see him... Sad. There is an old braid in his hair and deep dark circles under his eyes. Binghe looks exhausted, wasted, and when he thinks Shen Yuan isn't looking, his face shows so much sorrow that Shen Yuan wants to comfort him.
There's not much he can say. Get some random points - holding Binghe's hand at the right moment, discussing an important point about a creature and a hunt, giving recommendations how to best deal with eastern bear demons... Binghe seems to appreciate his company beyond the call of duty, which makes Shen Yuan a little proud. He's spending time with his favorite fictional boy without screwing up.
Then his body gets sick.
Xianxia World! Cultivation! Magic! Nothing? Shen Yuan wakes up with his head spinning like he's just stepped off a roller coaster, vomiting pathetically into an empty vase. The nausea is not getting better. His headache is horrible.
The System offers him to buy a skip plot; it comes out the same points that Shen Yuan has and he has tried hard not to spend them, a ridiculously large amount of points just to avoid a stomach infection. It's hard to complete side quests with the protagonist attached to his hip! Shen Yuan drops the skip plot.
The System insists. If he doesn't skip the plot now, he won't be able to do so in the future. Shen Yuan ignores it again. It's a silly illness. Nothing a little rest won't help.
... a little rest won't make it better.
Shen Yuan is thankful that Luo Binghe is not in the palace on his mission in the east, because he can be fully pathetic. He barely eats, faints from hunger, but as soon as he puts something in his mouth his stomach expels it. Damn demented body, do you want to eat only Binghe's food so much!? Spoiled body.
Shen Yuan sleeps a lot, sobs a lot in pain, growls (his body can growl. It's interesting) to the servants who come to clean, he takes cool showers that relieve his headache, and continues to expel every crumb.
He thinks he was even poisoned. He doesn't let the harem doctors get close. Mostly because he doesn't know them, but also because he remembers a subplot about a doctor who poisoned Binghe's wives to get revenge because Binghe had refused to take his daughter (for reasons that were entirely valid for Shen Yuan: she was a girl of barely twelve years old) in marriage and she had run away from home to avoid the humiliation. The plot ended with the girl hiding in the doctor's basement, who had made everything up, Binghe making a gore chapter out of it to remember the old days, and adopting the little girl to be raised among his many children in the harem... A good subplot for Shen Yuan, without unnecessary papapa even if it was for two chapters and followed by a threesome with massive busty demons.
Shen Yuan doesn't want to take any chances to unlock some gore subplot. So he just endures his nausea and pain until it fades about two weeks later. Suddenly it's bearable. He can snack on fruit and some roasted seeds. Some flavors are still intolerable to him... some smells too. He feels nauseous at the strongest, or even mildest, smells, but if they are too sweet he must run away. And textures on his skin. And tunics squeezing him. And his fucking huge tits hurt. They hurt like, like they're going to burst or break his cleavage. He even believes that from one day to the next they look bigger if that is possible. Wearing clothes is annoying. Having a body is annoying. Is this some fucking PMS that Shen Yuan didn't want to live with?
Wasn't it a ferocious body of a half-demon with a high cultivation level?? Why is he having PMS? He hasn't... bled since he came into this world!
...
. . .
He hasn't bled since he came to that world. The wedding (papapa of the original goods with The Heavenly Pillar) was almost three months ago. Shen Yuan has been occupying that body for almost two months.
...
. . .
That's not fucking happening.
"System, what the hell!?"
[ User was given the opportunity to buy a skip plot! User rejected it!!! ( ╹▽╹ ) Congratulations on making it through the first trimester in a healthy way!!! ]
Fucking shit.
#fanfic ideas#I definitely have to write this#although i have no idea exactly how lmao#bingyuan#trigger warning: bingge#technically it's mpreg in a genre sense#Shen Yuan transmigrates to a wife#Which isn't as bad as being a human stick#Because it's definitely better to be hit by a heavenly pillar than to be a human stick#I mean I would choose the heavenly pillar but I'm not biased (and Shen Yuan isn't either)#bingge btw is looking for his shizun from another world#post bingge vs bingmei#because o!luo binghe deserves that beautiful happy ending#if anyone wants you know BETA READER THIS and work with me to make this ridiculous Shen Yuan level I accept#Shen Yuan has a lot of gender issues here but I won't go into it too much because I'd be going over the edge#original luo binghe#mxtx svsss#shen yuan#luo bingge#adding popular tags because lol I would definitely like to know your opinion on this before I jump into writing it seriously#svsss fanfiction#svsss au#svsss#bingyuan plot
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One day I’ll go through med school and then I’ll go through residency and then I’ll go through a fellowship and then I’ll be the most crybaby neurosurgeon you could think of. Bursting into tears if I so much as graze ur hypothalamus with my forceps
#Yesterday I shadowed a neurologist for the first time and basically we got done seeing a patient who’s also a heart surgeon#And I turned to the doctor and was like Ok what do we do#The thing is this patient has dementia and we don’t really have a cure for that yet so the study he’s enrolling in is largely observational#Still I expected her to follow up on him in much more frequent increments#Instead this woman goes “we’ll see him in 6-9 months but… not even sure if he’ll be here by then sooo”#Basically implying he might be dead in a year#AND I WAS LIKE. Blown away by how blase she was#And ever since then a fiendish sort of melancholy followed me everywhere I went .#Bc I haven’t stopped thinking about the heart surgeon#I don’t get how she can stop thinking about him#I don’t understand people who can stop thinking about something like that#I know neurologists like her have seen patients come and go many a time but I was disturbed#So I made a pact w myself never to lose my humanity. Half of why I’m so into medicine is bc of its humane aspects#And in 10 years I’ll look back at this and hopefully still be just as annoyingly sensitive as I am today#I think I’m just overall disillusioned w how little humanity some people seem to have but that doesn’t mean I have to be that way too#p
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"Seungmin would be SO hot if he got muscle like, can you imagine?" You would be hotter if you shut your mouth but we can't always get what we want so <3
#the amount of times ive seen this exact comment or sentiment over the past 6ish months in particular#truly pissing me off <3#like first things first- hes already handsome so if you dont see that... its fine. we all have different tastes but also be quiet <3#but like we know first hand from him that he isnt particularly interested in the gym and working out#hes not a changbin. its not his thing- he goes to keep up stamina for live shows#and the fact hes been very specific in saying so any time anyone mentions him working out and going to the gym is so like......#its kinda obvious that hes doing a polite 'please dont hassle me about getting bigger' so he makes sure to always go Its For Endurance#and yet i still see this and also. um theres other members who are muscley so why does seungmin also have to follow that route?#like if you want muscle theres people you can go look at... but also half these people cant even identify actual healthy muscle#vs. someone being so skinny that they have no fat on them and somehow think thats real muscle so like lol#its been so specifically the past half a year tho like whats that about why#its really one of those be quiet im so tired#well on the otherhand i was so stressed about my doctors appointment but now annoyance took the worries place so 🤷♀️#like its funny how X should lose weight comments are recognised for being shitty but the 'x should totally change his physique' is chill tho#like if seungmin organically of his own accord ever becomes a muscle bro bc /he/ wants that than for sure i'll be like Woo go seungmin !!#but only if he wants it. not the fans being annoying not bc of staff or beauty standards not bc of the other guys
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i hate feeling ambitionless aimless the future is so bleak
#this is about me not the events#i really don't think i have a plan lol and i ever will...#because all through school i had this thing. need to pass this unit test this half yearly this 2nd unit test final exams need to do this#cocurricular activity and the absolute relief when i flipped the report to see i was promoted every year. that was the aim right#now i don't know what's happening#a set set of friends i met everyday sat next to permanent place in the field where we had lunch. like?#it was all so permanent#i knew teachers did not like me or how people there felt about me#and i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i never changed schools#14 years in the same place then one random tuesday it ends everything ends and im supposed to start from scratch#losing friends was all my fault but goddddddf. i used to be good at things#like when i was in 10th grade i gave my everything to studying maths because mom threatened me that if do not get science here we'll change#your school#to wherever you get science#so i studied like crazy did not touch my phone for months and got science#like that is my level of attachment to that place#i just miss it so much probably more than my own home#and i can't belong anywhere because i'm so stuck and nothings good enough and i miss being good and being academically productive#it was my only win i think#this is so sad but i don't think i'll ever get that past work ethic back and it will never be good enough for me to feel good about myself#which can only be through study or work because im a loser who thinks she's worthless if not for a successful career#and I've felt this way for three years now. it is going to be permanent#everything is lonely
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sooo ,, this sums up pretty much every selfship i have . 😋😋😭😝😝
#it’s them talking abt me :3 n vice versa ofc#( hena ノ the seven deadly sins )#( gepazu ノ honkai star rail )#( &. ノ selfships )#vv heavy on this w hena n gepazu tho !!#cause w hena n how helbram died half of hana died when the former did which made her more wary of everyone n anyone —#— esp humans !! n she’s adopted the little quirks or ways of speech helbram used to have when she warms up 2 others now#so whenever she talks 2 king n elaine they have this exact thought: “she. . . misses him dearly— doesn’t she?”#cause elaine can read my mind n king can pick up on the things his best friend used 2 do which his lil sister is now doing !!#+ w gepazu it’s from the months kazu has 2 go w/out gepard that she ( not so subtly ) sneaks a mention of him in every convo she has#serval n the others have picked up this bc she’s more outgoing whenever gepard is away#( she socializes more bc the silence n torment having her beloved on the frontlines haunts her every waking moment n needs a distraction —#— 2 stop thinking abt the horrors of losing another loved one )#i love yapping abt my selfships sometimes . YAYYAYA :3c
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SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything
#this aint exactly s******* but it aint exactly not s******* either#anyways it gets even harder when i have to live under the same roof as my brother who is so much better than me in every single conceivable#and imaginable way possible like#and i knowwww a LOT of it comes down to us having relatively similar yet wildly different lives despite being 1.5y apart and having the sam#family our entire lives like he has gone through NOTHING and i mean not a single societal issue ive had to face and endure my entire life#he's a man im a woman. he's white im black. he's straight im gay. he's skinny ive always been 'overweight'. he's always been the good#christian kid ive always had issues w faith and religion. he's never been mentally ill i was clinically depressed for nearly 8yrs of my lif#we both lost the same parent and im the only one who got pathological grief and a personality disorder out of it. he's had a great job for#the last 7yrs that now pays him 20k+ every month ive only had 3 odd jobs my entire life and 2 of those my MOTHER had to give me so i would#have SOMETHING and ive never made over 1.6k monthly n my last job was minimum wage only#he's had like 4 relationships and is nearly engaged im so traumatized + emotionally unavailable ive only ever been on 1 date my entire life#he has a good relationship w every family member we have i have Issues w like half the family. he's always been an active member of our#church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty#much equal like socially is that we're both able bodied cis and christians but still the cis and christian thing is debatable for previousl#stated reasons so like. do yall see how much better he is doing than me in every little last area in life and how he's always gotten the#long straw when it comes to Not having to deal w certain obstacles in life. n i know its like yea idk what it actually is like to be him an#he could not be doing all that well first of all shut up. second of all if it was 1 or 2 things i'd get it but it's literally EVERYTHING#and i know bc of said things n our v different lives it's unfair to me to compare the two of us but then it begs the question: WHY#WHY did i have to go through these things. WHY do i have to deal w this. WHY did i get the short straw literally every goddamn time#WHY did i have to get THIS life like WHYYYYY why ME GOD. why have I had to put up w all this bullshit for 24 fucking years!!!!!!!!! im TIRE#and this is not me hating or resenting him i know it's not his fault and he is so good to me#but still. why was i left with these things? to live like this?#so yes i guess i do envy him a little bit. who wouldn't#mari.txt#personal#tw negative#dl#btw i do NOT mean some identities are better than others. i mean he is better and is doing better than me in life partially bc he's never#had to deal w certain social issues and obstacles that come w oppressed identities.
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I wish I could find a doctor that wants to find out what’s actually wrong with me instead of recommending prescriptions to address the symptoms. I’m so tired of being recommended ibuprofen for debilitating pain. Tired of relaying my medical history to a new doctor and getting the same furrowed brow and shrugging shoulders I get every time. Tired of having so-called medical professionals ask why I need a cane if I’m able to walk down their clinic hallway without it. When will someone fucking help me?
#Leif barks#this is gonna get vent-y and shit in the tags just general mental and physical health issue TW#I’ve really given up on going to doctors atp#I used to have at least one sometimes two dr appts every week and I haven’t seen anyone in 6 months#saw a specialist in January for an MRI follow up and he basically went “wow your spine is fucked up! want some pregablin?“#I am 25yo with degenerative disc disease in 4 discs and facet joint arthritis and you as a specialist are not concerned?#because I sure fucking am!#why is my spinal column breaking down inside my body#I also developed an eating disorder in all of this mess bc when my symptoms first started at like 21yo#the only thing I heard from dr’s was “lose weight” so guess what I did#150lbs in a year and a half#and now when I go to a dr I get congratulated for losing it and then get told to take ibuprofen again#also wow getting told you did a good job at starving yourself is a crazy mind fuck#like you can look at my chart and see the weight loss in real time and that’s apparently wasn’t concerning either#I’ve stopped losing weight but now I’m terrified of gaining and I’m in this maintenance limbo that is literal torture on my brain and body#I’m just over here suffering#I tentatively started therapy again bc the depression-anxiety-cptsd-autism-eating disorder combo is killing me#and I’m not kidding I got three sessions in and she told me I’m too much for her to handle#so I guess I will be letting it kill me bc I don’t know what the fuck to do
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Daily November crying sessions start today
#why. who. how. how tf does my professor think it's okay to assign 4 major assignments in the same amount of weeks + 4-6 readings every week#all of which are ~20 pages.#i've got all that to do and another big assignment for a different class. plus the weekly readings and reflections for that one.#and i have work.#i've stupidly decided to volunteer for a thing on saturday in the hopes of bulking up my resume + rubbing elbows with the administration.#and i have a medical thing on friday and i'll be looped out and likely will have to sleep half the day. probably won't get ANY work done.#what else..... some fairly easy stuff for my other class thank GOD. but a lot of reading and preparing for a few big essays.#november is the month i hate the fucking most. i always lose my mind in november. and no wonder!!!!!!#meanwhile people are bugging me to hang out. i will be in a student-coma until approx. the first week of december. see you then. peace.#oh and my BIL + SIL sitting me down and showing me all their europe honeymoon photos for 2 HOURS last night is also not helping my mood.#fuck you lol#like i'm happy for you and nice photos but also? Fuck You.#if i can offer some dark humour though.....#my fic axis exists because of a legitimate smidge of insanity i experienced last year. it shifted the way i looked at the world and at grie#sooooo i wonder what kind of fic my mind will crank out this time?#i don't think i'm at risk of losing it this year though. doesn't seem that way. but we'll see!#i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental health first i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental health f#rst i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental health first i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental heal
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I only come on tumblr when I'm at the very end of my rope and barely hanging on by a quickly disintegrating thread and I don't know what that tells you about me
#boygenius#lah posting#I took the drugs again#I'm worse but better#I will not stagnate#i have therapy tomorrow#it's gonna be another one of those times when I spend the whole time crying#I don't have anyone anymore that i can rely on to hold space for me when I cry#i can hold space for my own emotions now thank you very much#i'm extremely proud of that fact because six months ago that hill felt absolutely insurmountable#but it really helps when there's occasionally someone else to help with that#sorrow shared is half the sorrow and joy shared is double joy#and all that#but i'm really scared for how this is going to end#i'm in really fucking deep at this point#and it's only getting deeper#i don't want to lose my person or the farm or our plans for the future#but it can't go on like this#no matter what i do#and i can't make him realise and i can't do it for him#but i'm afraid that instead of facing the music and turning shit around he's going to choose a much worse way of dealing with things#If this ends i don't think i could ever date again#i know that's dramatic but i'm being very serious about this#i keep thinking i'm dating someone completely different each time but then every time without fail after a year or two#they get into a deep funk and can't seem to do anything but stew and complain and be mean and ruin any chance of being in a good mood#every single time to the point where i wonder if that's just what happens to people who date me#and i can't stand it because while i'm far from toxic positivity i take pride in choosing to not behave like that when things dont go my wa#but i can't risk letting this keep happening again. I genuinely think i can now be happier loving myself than i'd ever be trusting romance.#I've come so far in my healing and I can't keep letting people derail me who have no idea how to self-regulate or have self-compassion#I'm getting sick again. I can feel it happening in my body
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doing things outside of your usual is such a humbling experience...
#lizzy speaks#to those who are curious what prompted this: my friend and i are collaborating on a video essay together#we picked it back up a week and a half ago after it laid in limbo for a month or two#and we're currently in the phase of editing it together (scripting + recording the VO is done)#and MAN. my respect for people who work on scripted/informative content just shot up through the ROOF#most of my experience with editing comes from footage first and then edit down approach (rather than creating/gathering visuals to uplift-#a written script) and it's. well. they engage with very different skillsets i think#my friend who i am collaborating with is very amused at me because this is not her first rodeo. meanwhile me as a first-timer.#i am telling her about how i am losing my mind over my editing timeline having gaps of footage because i couldn't think of anything to put#for certain portions (or i just didnt feel like looking through preexisting footage on the internet and dl-ing it)#and she compared it to 'telling a kid whos going thru puberty that its normal' EKLHFGLHH#im ngl the way i have spent like maybe 10 hours today off and on looking up footage and fact checking the splat artbook is so. explodes#it makes sifting through an 11 hour batch of footage of me playing big run sound like a cakewalk in comparison LMAOO#anyway if you read this far thank you :D i hope that in 2024 i can continue to be humbled in trying new things#and i highly encourage others 2 do so too! try a new method of approaching something or do smthn slightly adjacent to what you do!#tis a good learning experience and also makes u very appreciative of the things that are out there methinks#im literally only editing an 11 minute segment or so idfk how people make those 1+ hr video essays LIKE HELLO??? ESP IF ITS LICENSED MEDIA#HOW DO U GET ALL THE FOOTAGE FOR THAT. U MUST BE REALLY HYPERFIXATED AND DEDICATED TO THAT. DAMN. anyway. have a good 2023 everyone!
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#*beep* oh. hey. guess you're sleeping? maybe you're at work. or out with friends. i hope wherever you are it's good#or that it's getting better. i really do#i'm not good. but you knew that already. otherwise why would i be leaving this message?#sorry. i just need to talk for a bit i guess#cause it's like. every day i write a hundred posts and every day i delete most if not all of them#and i could not tell you why#this is my blog after all. my words and thoughts go here#but also. this is my third place. and i can't lose that#isn't that crazy? i can't lose the handful of notes from reblogging other people's posts#the idea that somehow i'm constructing myself in the cut and paste instead of doing something myself#and i do try to make posts of my own. but nothing's ever worth posting. i don't even let it rot in the drafts. it's just gone#and i try to think about what would stop me from doing this#which inevitably brought me here - what would i be doing if it were fifty years ago#and i think the answer is i'd be calling someone who used to care and blowing up their answering machine#and i think about old answering machines. the ones that need a tape to record the message#does dora just re-record over the tapes that harry fills?#does she trash them? i'm guessing she doesn't listen to them#i won't tell you what to do with this message. i'll spare you a call to action#it's not like a diary would fix this. i have a diary. i've been keeping one regularly for months now#i think i want to be perceived but i refuse to speak unless spoken to and i will not reach out on here unless i'm being a kindly anon#and when i talk irl it's all broken disjointed subjects without predicates#it takes such effort for me to talk that people stop asking me out of kindness. but there's still thoughts i haven't said#thoughts that don't need to be said. we don't *need* another person rambling on about whatever random fandom topic or half-assed scribbles#i tried making serious art and meta posts for like four years across different fandoms#it's all gone now. as is most of my poetry. lotta things i don't know or care to know#and i can't bring myself to do that again. esp if that's not why you're here. so like. it's easier just to remain quiet?#because. i know people *can* understand. but it takes effort#and i can't guarantee a return on investment. i don't know if the cost of teaching me how to talk again is worth it#god i want to infodump but that was beaten out of me. the need is still there but i can't. it hurts#idk. things are good and then things are bad and on the whole they're good and getting better
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i just need to make it to shabbat i just need to make it to shabbat i just need
#😵💫😵💫😵💫#short response due tmrw ; seminar presentation potentially tmrw WHICH I ONLY JUST REMEMBERED ; short seminar quiz to do before friday ;#latin club “homework” which im probably gonna tell my friend i cant continue w bc my weekly workload is already too overwhelming w 3 courses#+ i have to have by thrice yearly lunch w my evangelical godmother which means 3 hour convo half dedicated to getting me to abandon judaism#and half to getting me to repent my sinful homosexual ways and go back to being a nice straight girl#all of which is going to happen in public and she WILL tear up at multiple points of the conversation and it WILL be supremely awkward#when people inevitably start eavesdropping bc let's be real if i were at a cafe overhearing this convo i would be listening in too#and everyone's like 'ugh why dont you just tell her to fuck off' but im the only trans person and the only observant jew she has ever met#two groups against which she already has so many preconceived notions so like. idk it feels like my responsibility#as someone who knows her and who she acc cares about (vs a stranger) to try and give her a different perspective on these things ???#like if me being patient and calmly explaining why i transitioned/why i converted can stop her even slightly from sliding even further right#(and like she's Right Wing like covid denial right wing)#and if it might mean the next trans person or whtvr that she interacts with has it slightly easier then like. sure j can sit through#a couple irritating hours every few months#but its just suuuch a shit time for it like im meeting her thursday after class when i have a massive fucking assignment to hand in on sat#which FUCK gotta add that to the list#☞ annotated bibliography due saturday aka friday bc shabbos#okay okay. im done losing my mind in the notes 😵💫👍🏻#p.s.
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love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how
#abc shut it#vent#i’m so lonely it’s not even funny#my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone#i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it#i’m so bored and lonely all the time#my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine#like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :)#like i know part of it is the depression but#idk i just don’t do anything when i get home#sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours—#after work are gone and i have to go to bed#like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket#like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server#like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected#to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life#and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone#i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol#like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone#and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say#and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like#i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t#that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting#or being too much
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I think I understand Antigone and I'm making this no one else's problem but my own. I can deal with my own devices even if those devices always break. I'm not trying to complain. I'm not complaining. I know this has to be right but I'm still here laying on the couch. world's smallest violin or whatever they say. if you go know you go as one beloved although you go without your mind.
#who can FUCKING grow me a new brother pardon my language#it’s even WORSE than you guys know literally the only person with the context here is gurt and that’s bc she spent half a month visiting#like i literally cannot explain how much this hurts why can’t i ever fucking keep anything in my life#why do i always have to be the girl who loses things why is this what God has for me why can’t i just have something to hold onto#my sister in law is leaving WE'RE TAKING HER TO THE AIRPORT tomorrow TOMMOROW#and she's the ONLY person im this safe with the ONLY person who I have like this#I'm laying on the couch freaking crying. I can't imagine being in this house without her. I don't WANT to be in this house without her#and I didn't hug my brother before he left#I'm not going to see them again for over a year and I didn't hug him before he left and it's worse than you all know#and I just fucking want something to keep#again. pardon my language#Lu rambles#sometimes I think I could write poetry
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not to be a pain-crazed wild animal. i KNOW i do this every time. but p*riods are so fucking crazy. like my cr*mps are so bad my body is trying to strangle itself but im awake and i need to be at work in 2 hrs and get thru an entire 9 hr workday as if im not in excruciating pain and im gonna bring my heating pad and my p*in r*lief cr*am if you catch my drift (💀) and i’ll need to use them DURING a busy day in which i will not see any other ppl who get periods in person and using them is gonna be a whole awkward thing. like omg. this is not fucking normal lol
#purrs#it is normal obviously. but it’s SO fucking frustrating like omfg the amount of time i lose every single month to being in pain like this#FOR NO REASON and like half the global population has to deal w that and it’s like it’s nothing. idk. despair and suffering and misery#delete later#menstruation tw#the thing that really gets me abt it is how my mom (ik i said i would stop complaining abt her on here but we have been fighting all month#LOL so im giving myself permission) gets so fucking pissed at me and my sister when we’re in too much pain to do chores bc she thinks we’re#being lazy / making excuses and then she compares us to o it brother like.. omg um YOU should know how painful this can be first of all and#second of all why would you even make that comparison when he doesn’t lose a third of his life to his body trying to tear itself apart! lol!#and yes i could work from home or calll out sick but consider: i am mentally illabout not being at work. which * is gonna be on my ass abt w#when they hear me say that bc i know im gonna make a whole awkward big deal abt my heating pad. UGHHHHH embarrassing lmaooooo#like why do people have REGULAR B*DILY F*NCTIONS!!!!! REGULAR!!!!!!! that REGULARLY put them in this amount of pain and we have to just deal#with that like it’s nothing and be discreet about and whatever. ew i sound like um… someone who cares too much abt stuff like this lol but I#im so mad abt it rn like oh my GOD can the pain just not be part of it can we just evolve to get rid of that or put structures in place in a#society for ppl to be more accepting / supporting / whatever of it. please please please please please#(also goes for more than just p*riods btw. like imagine if as a society we had things in place for ppl who are regularly in#chronic pain of any kind 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 what a world that would be 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 wow i sure hope it happens in my lifetime 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍)
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#please do not read further if you're triggered by disordered eating in any way shape or form thank you 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#I've gained so much weight these last 2 months I can't stand the feeling of my own body#I don't even know how much i gained#but it feels like too much#im short so even a little is noticable#i. I don't wanna kno how much I've gained#but i feel so. i feel so fat. in a wrong way#I've been binging too much#and then starving myself too much#and then binging again#week off week on#and im. I've covered all my mirrors i only wear stretchy clothes I haven't lefy home much#I don't know how much I've gained really#but i feel so wrong. too fat. too round#it isn't bad to be fat or round. but I'm not healthy. like. I've been binging and binging and it's#I can't. i feel like it's hopeless to try and eat normally bc i won't lose this weight fast enough#even starving myself I won't lose it fast enough#i can lose it in a month. month and a half. if i do things right#but it's still... seems so far away#like i have to spend yet another month without looking at myself in the mirror#when I've already spent 2 months without doing so#i feel so fucking ugly#anyways i promise I don't post about this often#but i wanna tear my own skin off my fucking body#it's been 12 years of this i want out i want out i want out#ed tw
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