#how to heal anxious attachment style

[arabella0001]

Hiii

Do you remember the Kakashi request I made a while ago ?

cn: fluff. slow burn. avoidant attachment style. explicit sexual content [nsfw / 18+].dirty talk, 6.5 k+ words.

⟡ fandom: naruto | pairing: kakashi x reader

part 1 part 2

a/n: your requests always bring out the monster in me and make me write too much!

Ocular jutsu is a powerful tool. So powerful that the balance is inclined toward darker intents.

Fortunately enough, you and the people in your village were spared. At least for now. Injured ninja and powerless civilians like you are advised to stay in the medical tents around the city. Still, resources are low, so as a community, housing other ninja is a needed help.

Since Kakashi is the Hokage of the Konoha village, he is the most sought after. You didn’t interact with him directly that much, no. Only heard about him from others.

Most of you are powerless against ocular jutsu, but as a villager of healing techniques, you were one of the best at it.Your specialization is in creating advanced medical equipment and tools, of course with knowledge in medical ninjutsu. What sets you apart from others is your rare affinity and expertise toward some techniques in nature manipulation, lightning transmission, and any basic technique that helps you create Saishin Gijutsu-gata.

The special invention that made your name somewhat known in the village was the one you proposed to Konoha’s monarchy government, along with the council.

The first time you saw Kakashi was in a flash.

You walked with little confidence toward the meeting room because you didn’t do well with public speaking, even though Tsunade practically pushed you through the door after fighting off the anxious, irrational doubts you told yourself.

The door was opened by your slightly trembling hand, and you took a deep breath before entering.Your steps were the only sound in the room, announcing your presence before you bowed toward the present members.

“H-hello!” You adjusted your too-weak voice. “Hello! My name is Y/N L/N, born in the village of Sunagakure but now a member of the foundation of the Children’s Mental Healthcare Clinic and Medical Research Division in Konoha.”

You dared to glance at their expressions, which looked bored after the previous presentations before you.

“Right, so…” You turned toward the blackboard with the image projected onto it. “My research is about a possible mono-thunder train.”

“Mono-thunder train?” Shikamaru Nara asked curiously.

The sudden voice froze you a little before you looked at him over your shoulder.

“We know the Thunder Train installed in Konohagakure, right? The research is focused on a singular wagon designed for only four people, one of them to operate the train.”

Shikamaru added immediately. His voice wasn’t judgmental, but skeptical.

“Why should we invest our resources in this if we have a Thunder Train good enough for our needs?”

“Because the difference between them is that it doesn’t need rails. It only needs the ground.”

“What do you mean, the ground?”

You were at least happy someone was asking questions; it helped you present your idea better.

“Yes, that’s the major difference. And your next question is probably how an invention like that could run on the ground without an electrical line. Well, a usual train uses a locomotive as an engine, while this vehicle would get power from a drivetrain, engine, transmission, etc.”

Shikamaru blinked slightly before asking,

“Before you continu…since I, myself, want to hear all of it, and I won’t vote to dismiss your research. What’s the major purpose of it?”

“The monarch of the village would benefit most from it, as it increases privacy and security, especially with a trained person designated as his personal driver.”

Finally, you looked at the Hokage. Kakashi was standing beside Shikamaru, his crucial advisor.

Speaking of Kakashi, he was usually forced to participate in all these kinds of meetings. Not that he didn’t want to. He appreciated creativity of any kind; but the long list of responsibilities drained him day by day. He didn’t want this role, and everybody knew it. Is he a bad or uninvolved Hokage? No. A happy person who gives the most powerful speeches? Also no.

But when he saw you walking in with noticeable shyness yet speaking confidently about your project (which was impressive), he paid more attention. He didn’t want to play the innocent card either, but your beauty was another reason. So it wasn’t a surprise that he was already looking at you when you made a reference toward him. A surprise that the eye contact lasted two seconds too long.

Maybe she’s intimidated?

You weren’t. Well…a little, but that wasn’t the major reason. The major reason was his presence. Why didn’t anyone prepare you beforehand for how young the Hokage is and especially how he looks?

You withdrew your gaze so it wouldn’t be considered disrespectful, as if you were glaring at the Hokage himself, and you didn’t dare to look at him again. Only once more before finishing your presentation, and once again, he looked at you too. Of course, you told yourself he was paying attention like a good Hokage would, but the truth was further from that.

You were too tired when you arrived home later that day. The fifth brutally injured patient had arrived at your tent. The unknown opposition organization threatening Konoha was still causing damage. It’s true the number has decreased, but until they find the purpose behind these evil, destructive individuals, you can’t name a solution.

Your own theory is that the reason they’re not killing people but instead injuring and putting them under various jutsu for control is that they want to send a message. Probably a message for the only person threatened with death. Kakashi. He’s not the only one with ocular jutsu, Sasuke and Sarada are also targets. Ocular jutsu has always been superior, once representing some of the most powerful people on earth: the Uchiha Clan. Maybe their intention is to steal the remnants of that power?

Your thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, and you nearly dropped your teacup when the knocks became more aggressive and insistent. You couldn’t think of anyone who might be at your place right now, other than your friends who would never make your heart race like that from the intensity of the knocks. That’s the disadvantage when your techniques don’t help you in a proper fight. Basic knowledge of defense doesn’t calm your heart either.

You gulped, grabbed your favorite knife handcrafted by you, and walked toward the door, which had stopped rattling. You turned the handle with precise slowness before opening it.

When you opened the door slowly and cautiously, you froze with wide eyes at the scene in front of you: the Hokage himself, speaking with one of the three guards about the exaggerated knocking. They stopped mid-conversation, giving you side glances.

Kakashi’s eyes traveled briefly over your body, pausing at your choice of clothing, a black satin two-piece pajama. His eyes landed on the knife, then on your slightly scared expression. He shifted his position to stand directly in front of you, with the guards behind him.

“Good evening. I offer my apologies for the earlier sudden and harsh knocking. I imagine it frightened you.”

You still hadn’t processed what was happening.

“First of all, I know this isn’t news to you, but the allocation of refugee citizens in the medical tents and housing within the safety zone plays a role in citizen security.”

You started to come back to yourself, and just before responding, you realized what you were wearing in front of the most powerful person in the village. You abruptly closed the door to cover yourself, red paint practically blooming across your cheeks.

“It’s fine! No problem! I was just… never mind. Ahm, yes. Good evening, Hokage-sama. I know about the situation. Obviously—I mean of course I know that—excuse me,” you said, bowing. Kakashi smiled subtly under his mask, though his gaze seemed serious.

His guards didn’t look too pleased, judging by the way they glanced at you suspiciously, scanning the area.

“There’s no need to apologize,” he reassured you before continuing. “The Hokage’s assignment was designated to your home because your home’s infrastructure is closest to the strategic security plan proposed by my advisor, Shikamaru Nara.”

You didn’t really hear much of the last part. Kakashi staying in your house?

His unmistakable voice pulled you out of your dissociative gaze to focus on him again.

“If it’s alright with you, there’s no pressure. I can speak with Shikamaru to rewrite the plan for a different house, if there’s another available.”

One of the guards looked like he was about to object to the number of options being given to you, but Kakashi’s gaze pinned him in place.

You looked at each of them before returning your gaze to Kakashi, wondering if you were dreaming. Nope, this is real.

“Ah, yes. Of course, no problem. Excuse my manners.”

You prayed the room wasn’t too messy and that not everyone would enter at once. Only one of those things came true. The guards followed him in and began checking the place for any signs of danger, and you stood frozen, just watching them. Kakashi wasn’t focused on the house at all. Only on you.

“It’s necessary, unfortunately. Your privacy was invaded, and I’m sorry for that. I know how it must feel.”

You looked up at him because he was tall, not that you were very short. You didn’t understand why he hadn’t fully entered the house so you could close the door.

“It’s no problem. I understand it’s for your safety.”

You indirectly signaled him to step in by trying to close the door, and he took the hint, stepping inside.

Your formality bothered him, it made it feel like you weren’t equals. But he’d bring that up later.

Your house was completely different from his because his had as few personal items as possible, maybe just a few books. Yours was full of plants, which fit you, along with books and all kinds of paintings of insects on one side, and weapons and machinery on the other. A woman of both worlds. There was some mess here and there, which bothered him even more because he had caught you off guard.

“I-I’ll go prepare the room. Actually, choose whichever you like, you can even take mine—just let me go in first, please—”

He raised his hands, signaling disagreement and stopping both your words and your steps.

“You don’t need to do anything. Wouldn’t you rather we have tea until the guards finish checking?”

You turned quickly toward the simple open kitchen, contrasting the living room.

“Sure, just a moment.” You paused. “Can I go change? I’ll be right back, promise.”

He’s probably going to lose his mind at how sweet you are, but way too stressed.

“Yes, of course. You don’t need my permission.”

You nodded and rushed up the stairs to your room. When you came back down, Kakashi was already preparing the tea, his cloak and hat resting on a chair.

“What? No, you didn’t have to! You’re the guest and not to mention—”

His eyes gave the hint of a smile, but you weren’t sure. He looked over his shoulder and let you continue by taking his hands off the teapot.

“I can’t remain a guest in a house that isn’t mine and offers me safety on top of it.”

You shook your head in disagreement. You didn’t understand his completely unentitled behavior. But you had no words left when he moved toward the couch, his figure front and center.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this.

He visibly smiled with his eyes when you gave him the tea, eyes closing. And you smiled back.It was the first time he saw that. Officially, you’re even prettier when you smile.

The guards returned at the same time from upstairs, their strong footsteps echoing down to the last stair. They looked strangely at the scene before them, as if you two had known each other forever, before bowing to a Hokage who looked completely relaxed.

“All clean, Hokage-sama.”

“Alright. You may leave for the night and return in the morning with Shikamaru’s plans.”

“Hokage-sama, it’s not safe to remain unsupervised. Tsunade warned us beforehand about…this. We’re forced to go against your word this time.” Another added after bowing, “We’ll surround the house and take turns.”

Kakashi sighed before accepting, mentally cursing Tsunade’s interference in his selfless plans.

“Fine. Do as you wish then.”

You waited for them to finish before continuing.

“If you want, you can rest here between shifts.”

The third member, who hadn’t spoken until now, said reproachfully before they all exited the house.

“A guardian doesn’t close his eyes when the supreme leader’s life is at risk. You should know that, foreign girl from the Land of Sand.”

You felt too ashamed to say anything back.

“Ignore what they say. They take their job too seriously. Their words don’t define what I believe.”

You looked at Kakashi, disheartened.He had calmed you more times tonight than you could count.

Is he irresponsible or do I just not think twice before speaking?

You nodded in superficial agreement, more out of respect.

“Now, do you want to choose your room, Hokage-sama? Or would you like to eat? Shower?”

Kakashi stood, sighing again, and you were convinced you’d upset him, maybe stressed him out too much, or maybe you weren’t behaving correctly. You didn’t know how to speak to high-ranking people, especially when that person looked this attractive. It was an extreme-level game not to let your eyes admire his face or body. Not a game for beginners.

“We can go and you can show me the rooms, but only for your pleasure.” His steps got too close to you, and your heart beat wildly as you tried your best not to back away and appear afraid. “But otherwise, my only wish is for you to treat me normally. Like a friend, Y/N.”

Your brain short-circuited. What? He knows my name? Then you corrected yourself—duh, of course he knows the name of the person he’s staying with.

You came back down to earth, finally acting a little more like yourself.

“Okay, I’ll try. Sor—” No apologies. “Right. Ahm, let’s go.”

Kakashi slept that night in the guest room next to yours, the one where your friends sometimes stayed. It was fairly simple, just the way he liked it, even if it didn’t have your touch.

You, on the other hand, had a hard time falling asleep that night, tossing and turning and praying you’d wake up early enough to make breakfast. You figured he probably had food delivered by his guards, but you couldn’t risk it.

You managed to wake up, not feeling his presence, so you assumed he was still asleep. You rushed through your usual routine, still preparing your medical uniform to head to the tents, hoping that maybe today there would be even fewer victims. Although this area was the most monitored and safest, it was hard to ever feel completely secure.

After finishing breakfast and placing it as nicely as possible, you stepped outside the house to see what his guards were doing. They were likely starting the house security protocol Shikamaru had proposed.

But when you came out, Kakashi was still in yesterday’s clothes, since he hadn’t had a change yet, and his Hokage wardrobe was missing. His gaze was fixed above the house, where a guard was measuring its dimensions, his hands resting on his hips.

Fuck, I woke up too late.

Kakashi sensed you immediately, he was already used to your presence. In fact, involuntarily, he was far more aware of it. He looked at you from the side before greeting you.

“Good morning, Y/N. Quite an early hour to be awake.”

You blushed a little, not bothering to argue.

“Breakfast is ready. Anytime you’re hungry, you can go to the kitchen.”

Kakashi looked at you a moment, noticing the dark circles under your eyes and assuming this definitely wasn’t your usual wake-up time but he said nothing. You couldn’t take your eyes off him, and not just because you didn’t want to be disobedient, however that made for a good excuse.

“I already ate, thank you. You didn’t have to cook for me.” But he didn’t let you continue, already knowing what you were going to say. “Are you leaving soon?”

You clasped your sweaty hands before answering as normally as you could, still without confusing his position with friendship.

“In… a few hours. I’m on the afternoon shift.”

You’d already confirmed that 5 a.m. was definitely not your normal hour. He nodded in acknowledgment.

“Okay, I’ll come with you then. I’ve got a few things to discuss with Tsunade. I understand you know each other?”

Probably that’s how he knows my name.

“Ahm… yeah. She was the one who introduced me to the hospital’s internal protocol.”

“Aha. So you’re just acquaintances.”

Your mind flashed through all the evenings you’d spent drinking with Tsunade, her complaining about the Hokage (now you had way too many questions about what you knew regarding Kakashi), and all the times she’d been your biggest supporter.

“Friends. Good friends, I’d dare say.”

Interesting. Tsunade wouldn’t make friends with someone who didn’t meet her standards. The thought that you might share a bit of her fierce attitude made him want to know you even more.

“I see.” You didn’t understand why he was asking. Was he making conversation? You could say he seemed grounded. Under normal circumstances, you’d be glad to want to know him more. But you couldn’t allow yourself that.

Kakashi exchanged a few words with the guards when they asked him about a particular section on the adviser’s or architect’s paper. Even though he didn’t appear focused on you (or so you thought), you bowed slightly before turning back toward the house.

Kakashi watched you go as he half-listened to the man speaking. It took a while before he came in—you assumed it was because he now had his bag, most likely with clothes, closing the door softly behind him.

“D-do you drink coffee?” You found it hard to speak with formality, and Kakashi noticed your hesitation. He liked that you were trying.

“I’d love to.” He wondered what coffee made by you might taste like. Hopefully, it would soon be his favorite.

Even though thoughts like that didn’t scare him the way they used to, Kakashi wasn’t usually like this, and he didn’t believe it was wise. It was just the illusion of a door opening to some parallel universe where he might have access to a word foreign to him: love.

Still, he found it amusing to have these kinds of conversations with you because you attracted him from multiple angles. First, it was your appearance and he knew that was shallow, but your life, your path, your personal space had been enough to mentally draw him in too. Who you were underneath the humble persona, he couldn’t quite figure out. You were definitely a good person, considering your profession and the friends you had. But that wasn’t enough to satisfy him yet.

Still, the circumstances he was in made him act this way. His thoughts now sounded an alarm, and he went to change into clean clothes, avoiding his unbearable uniform and settling onto the couch, reading his favorite volume from the series. Old habits die hard.

The shift in energy was also a reminder for you that he was just being polite in response to your hospitality. At the end of the day, he was the village leader, not a potential friend. The word “friend” felt false anyway; your thoughts weren’t platonic, and that only made you feel worse.

You placed his coffee on the small table and stopped yourself from finishing a curse under your breath when you almost spilled it because of a book’s spine. Kakashi was faster than you—though he seemed immersed in the book (he was, needing a distraction, and Icha Icha books were the best choice)—his hand already reached the cup while yours was just inches above his.

There’s a reason he holds that title. It’s inhuman to be that fast. Your eyes met, your mouth slightly open in shock at embarrassing yourself in front of the Hokage. But feeling his firm hand under yours made you pull back your hand and your gaze at the same time.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful.” You stepped back from the table as if you feared you might make another blunder.

And Kakashi just let out a sound that resembled a chuckle, which instantly made you look up at him. What a beautiful smile.

“It happens. Sometimes you’re too deep in your own thoughts.”

My thoughts about you. Right.

Kakashi added, “Are you feeling alright? I know these past days have been demanding for you all.”

You couldn’t lie to him. It’s one thing to act differently from how you feel—another to lie outright.

“It’s been rough, but not as bad as at the beginning.”

You felt awkward standing there like you were putting on a show, and his gaze felt too exposing, so you sat down on a chair as far from him as possible. Kakashi understood you weren’t comfortable sitting near him. It bothered him, just a little.

He sipped the coffee and he felt on his tongue the beans you’d chosen were exactly the kind he had at home. Strong enough, but not overly roasted like some people preferred. Your gaze wasn’t free of his as you wondered if you were even allowed or privileged to look at him without the mask. You were stunned at how handsome he was.

“Can I help you with anything? Or help you personally with something?”

When you began to shake your head in disapproval, he spoke again.

“Tell me. Forget the formalities.”

You swallowed hard.

“Thank you very much, but it’s not necessary. We’ve managed so far.”

The first time you allowed yourself a question, murmured while Kakashi crossed one leg over the other and closed the book. He couldn’t stay distracted anymore.

“Has anything been found about the identity of the culprits? If it’s okay for you to tell me—”

He cut off the end of your sentence.

“Not yet, but there are suspicions. It shouldn’t take long, considering the Sand Village recently declared, without us even asking, that they’re willing to help.”

Kakashi narrowed his eyes, considering a very slim probability.

“Are you part of a well-known family from the Sand Village?”

That question was bound to come.

“Yes. The mother figure was the well-known counselor Chiyo. The mother figure for me and… Sasori.”

Figures, Kakashi thought.

“I’m sorry for your loss. Both losses.”

You replied with a half-smile.

“I’ve moved on, but thank you. Sasori, though… he was lost from a young age. The pain he left behind has faded over time.”

Kakashi figured your childhood wasn’t pleasant either. He didn’t dare ask about your parents.

“I suppose you felt some apathy toward the new Kazekage.”

You laughed a bit ironically. It was a small, satisfying portion for Kakashi.

“A little, yes. But now we have strong ties.”

That brought him right where he wanted. Even so, it didn’t mean the conversation wasn’t sincere.

He leaned forward slightly, his voice curious and hard to read.

“The Sand Village has always been helpful, especially during the war. They’re trustworthy people. It was pleasant and surprising how quickly they found out about the invasion, even on day one.”

After he finished the sentence, he paused before slowly turning his gaze toward you to observe your reaction.

The silence was crushing. You could hear only your heartbeat in your chest. If you hadn’t upset him before, now you felt like you’d be kicked out of your own house for treason.

And you didn’t recognize Kakashi’s gaze. It wasn’t stern or serious. His eyes were hypnotic, and you’d already dug your grave by not answering immediately. There was nothing left to do.

“I… told them.”

He turned his gaze to his coffee, took a sip, then continued to let you stew a bit. From a certain angle, what he was doing could be seen as a little toxic.

“I thought so.”

You couldn’t even apologize. It wouldn’t make sense. How did he figure it out? Since when?

He stood up and adjusted his pants, and you felt your breath catch again; worse now than when he asked.

“I’ll go put on those damn clothes. Want to come after?”

Where? To jail?

“Where?”

He barely stopped himself from laughing.

“To the tents? Where else, Y/N?”

His smirk grew wider at the end of the sentence.

“Right… of course.”

As he climbed the final step, he ended the conversation with another tease.

“Maybe we’ll have time for a walk before you get lost in your thoughts again.”

You watched him go with that same stunned expression.

Is he fucking with me now?

—

The walk to the tents was fairly short. The glances from the locals were uncomfortable and understandably so. Of course people were wondering why, next to Kakashi with his guards in tow, there was a girl of seemingly average social status in Konoha.

Kakashi didn’t feel like caring. He was too busy forcing himself to smile at everyone who greeted him. A socially exhausting walk and the day hadn’t even begun properly. The sideways glances he gave you went unnoticed. You were too tense and uncomfortable, still his focus was on how the morning light highlighted your beauty.

How had your paths not crossed earlier, considering your link to Tsunade? Or had he been so caught up in his indifference that he hadn’t noticed you? Even that felt hard to believe. Where had you been hiding all this time?

“Good luck. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

He bowed slightly out of respect, and you wanted to leave as quickly as possible after glancing nervously at half your coworkers who were wondering what business the Hokage had with you. The rest had already heard. Gossip was inescapable, especially in such a small corner of the village.

“Aa-ah, thank you. And thank you for the trust. Have a good day and good luck to the Hokage with whatever he planned today?! Yeah.” You bowed back, lower than him. It was hard to speak in a way that didn’t feel like you.

Kakashi’s eyes glinted. His voice dropped lower so only you could hear.

“I like that you still try to pretend.”

You blinked twice, but Kakashi had already turned toward Tsunade’s makeshift office.

Was that a threat? Will I be punished later for what happened this morning? You don’t know, still your body definitely interpreted his words differently, and you felt warmer than usual.

You quickly pulled yourself together. People needed you. Just before dropping off your tools, you were rearranging your supplies on the shared table, making sure you hadn’t forgotten any of the herbs you needed. Shizune’s sister, your friend, nudged you sharply with her elbow to get your attention.

“Can I know why I wasn’t the first to find out? Traitor.”

You scowled at her, half confused, half indignantly playful.

“Are you insane?”

People were already looking at you, especially when your voice rose.Seering their reactions, you hissed aggressively in a quiet voice. You didn’t want more attention than you already had.

“What the hell are you talking about, Shinya?”

She gave you an offended look.

“That the Hokage is staying at your house, maybe? I don’t know, just saying. It might be IMPORTANT INFORMATION??”

“I found out last night! I’m just as shocked as you.”

She leaned over the table, a grin on her face.

“What’s it like sharing a bed with the most attractive man in Konoha?” she corrected herself, “Or no, what’s it like sharing a bed with the most attractive leader in Konoha?” She wiggled her eyebrows teasingly.

You nudged her back with your elbow, shocked and embarrassed.

“I don’t fucking share a bed with him! He’s actually sleeping in the bed you and Sakura used.”

She opened her mouth wide, gasping dramatically as she followed you all the way to the tent. You pulled the curtain shut on her face before muttering, “I didn’t know he looked like that. I’m gonna kill Tsunade.”

It would’ve been the peak of irony to walk back home with Kakashi. It’s weird to say home like it’s your shared house. A small, selfish part of you had a foolish expectation that maybe he’d be waiting for you. Pure irrational daydreaming. No, Kakashi was, at the end of the day, buried under mountains of paperwork, full of new information, citizen fears, investigation proposals from the Land of Sand, Shikamaru’s plans, the council’s suspicions. He couldn’t even stand the thought that his guards barely got any rest, like he was some kind of untouchable jewel. He’s not. He never has been, no matter how much people keep trying to tell him that. That’s why he never wanted this position in the first place, mostly.

He preferred helping silently with everything he had, trading in his life without blinking rather than being applauded for simply breathing.

He can’t even go on missions himself anymore. It stresses him out terribly. And Naruto’s constant attention is even more exhausting and overprotective. Sasuke’s probably even more stressed by him, though. Not that Kakashi would ever complain about Naruto. If he could, he would’ve given him this position. As for Sasuke, it’s partly true that he wouldn’t complain. He’s one of the few people Kakashi resonates with on this topic. Besides Itachi, who’s been sacrificing himself ever since his own mistakes, born of trauma far too deep.

One’s dead, and the other managed to build a family. Kakashi would’ve punched him himself if he didn’t finally accept Sakura in his life and kept ignoring his feelings. The thought came now; if Tsunade ever found out about his… affinity for you, he’d probably get beat up (worse) and stressed out. Clearly, he’ll need to avoid ever slipping up about that.

But then…there’s you.

On your way home, you ran into none other than Tsunade at the restaurant that resembled Ramen Ichiraku. Probably one of the first things the war hero did when she arrived here. He’d been away on missions for days now, and Sakura was getting more and more worried, who was also having to basically force Sasuke to stay out of nearly everything just to be with Sarada, which honestly did him good, while she worked more than anyone else.

Tsunade was leaning on both elbows, waiting for her food, until she saw you and snorted.

“Rough day, huh? Didn’t see you today.”

You hugged her from the side. One of the rare people Tsunade smiles at when receiving affection. Not much, but still.

You sat down with a sigh, before speaking with a mocking tone and a dramatic tilt of your head.

“Yeah, maybe ‘cause you were too busy with Ho-ka-ge sa-ma.”

She rolled her eyes and immediately took a shot, tossing her head back.

“Yeah, yeah. Bullshit. I didn’t get the chance to tell you and even if I did, I wouldn’t have.”

“Why my house, specifically?”

“Shikamaru said Kakashi’s suggestion was solid when they checked the houses. The chakra points align well for protection.”

Suggestion… whose?

“Kakashi suggested it?”

Tsunade raised an eyebrow before making room on the table for the food.

“Who did you think?”

You ordered a simple ramen too, then leaned toward her, whispering accusingly.

“Knowing you, I figured you’d only suggest it just to mess with me.”

Tsunade lifted a hand and dropped it with a ‘miss me with that bullshit’ gesture before changing her expression.

“You’re pretty affected, huh?”

Now it was your turn to roll your eyes.

“Don’t start. You’re smug because you find this amusing.”

You widened your eyes, elbowing someone a second time.

“Shut up. I don’t want anyone hearing that kind of thing.”

She made a scandalized face, clearly entertained.

“So I’m right.”

“Partially. It’s irrelevant, he’s the Hokage.”

Tsunade scrunched her nose.

“So what? It’s Kakashi. The problem’s not that he’s the Hokage, it’s that he’s Kakashi.”

Now you frowned.

“What do you mean? How is that not a problem? What would people say—”

“To hell with people. High-ranking folks get to live too, you know.” You agreed with her, but still weren’t convinced. “Kakashi is like a wall, made out of materials even stronger than the ones you make.”

“What do you mean?”

She got a little irritated.

“As if I haven’t complained to you about him before. He’s got a really good heart, even if I hate to admit I can’t stand him, but his past was hell. He’s not open to things that might actually do him good.”

You didn’t know why your stomach twisted in disappointment. You hadn’t even gone that far.

She noticed the way your gaze dropped.

“I’m not saying it’s impossible. People change, depending on who they meet.”

Just like Shinya, she raised her eyebrows at you teasingly.

“Oh shut up. It’s too late. I’m going to bed.”

“With who?”

You made an exaggerated face before you both said goodnight.

——

When you got back, Kakashi wasn’t around. At least not in the living room. You went to wash up quickly, allowing yourself to put on pajamas that were somewhat decent, because that conversation with Tsunade reminded you he is a normal person at the end of the day, and a little bare let shouldn’t bother the Hokage.

Going down the stairs, lost in thought, you moved to make two cups of tea in case he showed up and nearly dropped the kettle when Kakashi suddenly entered the house. Even though only he knew the seal for the door, he still startled you. Your eyes met.

He took off his cloak as he walked, speaking first.

“Seems like all I do is scare you.”

You laughed politely.

“It’s okay, I’m just clumsy.”

“I’ve noticed that too.”

Given this joking side of him, you were starting to think maybe you weren’t going to jail. You couldn’t help but smile back and he did too, involuntarily, which even surprised him, though that was just the effect your smile had.

“Want me to put your cloak in the closet here, so it’s easier to grab in the morning?”

He stood holding it, a little confused in the middle of the living room.

“Ah? Yeah, sure. Actually no, you don’t have to. Where is the closet?”

You tried pointing, but missed, so you laughed and came over, taking it from his hand without asking and placing it in the closet right in front of him. A common trait men share.

You were too close to him, and you only realized it late, just as his voice caught you off guard when your back was turned.

“Apparently you’re not the only clumsy one.”

You instinctively looked over your shoulder up at his face, and the look in his eyes froze time. He was just as affected. Why lie about it? He didn’t even try to move or give you personal space, leaving it up to you to decide what to do. And, of course, you left once you broke out of the trance, smiling faintly and distracting yourself with the tea mugs.

You didn’t even realize that Kakashi was staring at your exposed legs all the way up to your parted lips when you turned your head. Because you were already too caught up in how good he looked in that black tank top clinging to his body, showing off his build. And the fact that he still wore the mask was killing you even more. Maybe a dress code would help, considering you both acted like teenagers hitting puberty.

But your visual distraction was temporarily paused. His shirt and pants were changed, still black. But his hair was wet now, which made up for it. Another angle from which he was just… attractive.

Ugh, you couldn’t take it anymore.

You gave him the reheated tea after preparing his food and sat down beside him without even realizing it, automatically grabbing your book from the table.

“That’s a step worth considering.” His smirk wasn’t visible, but it was there. He leaned his head on his hand.

Noticing where you sat, you shifted more into the couch, as if that would somehow put more distance between you.

“A step toward what?”

He grabbed his book too, opening it to the marked page.

“Toward not being so tense around me.”

You turned your gaze away, embarrassed, but didn’t respond.

“What are you reading?” he asked, and you showed him the book, chosen more by chance, to support the used bookstore opened by a neighbor.

“Tell me what you think of it once you’re done,” he said, noticing it was on the first page.

“You?” You hadn’t looked at what he was reading till now so you didn’t want to come off as a stalker, but maybe you should’ve, because you gave yourself away by knowing exactly which book it was. You weren’t born yesterday, you knew. “Ah.” You looked away. “Didn’t think the Hokage had that kind of taste.” You couldn’t lie. The story was interesting, but still…

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

“Oh? And what kind of books do I seem like I’d read?”

You leaned on your fist, ignoring the sarcastic tone. You knew it came off a little disrespectful, but you were too affected to care.

“I don’t know. I don’t know you well enough.”

“I haven’t been Hokage that long, though.”

His gaze was unreadable as usual, but his tone was warm.

“I know. I didn’t mean it to sound rude or anything.”

“Seems like you have this kind of taste too.”

You looked away again, distracting yourself with a sip of chamomile tea.

“Maybe.”

Finally, you’d let go of the formalities or at least for one evening. You were impossible to ignore; with your hair gently falling from your shoulders, your legs slightly revealed by the cross-legged position. Your flushed cheeks half-hidden from his eyes, your soft gaze hiding other parts of you. You were so at ease in your senses, so unlike the serious you he saw today when you were focused on a wounded patient, wiping the sweat off your forehead from the effort. He would’ve waited if he could, nevertheless responsibilities remain responsibilities, powered by the stress of the village’s situation and the people still getting hurt and he doesn’t want to let them down.

You looked back at him from the stillness and only then did Kakashi snap out of his trance, clearly having been staring at you.

That’s when Kakashi pulled back. It was his moment to retreat inward. He closed his book as you watched him.

“All right. Have a good evening and sleep well. Don’t wake up at 5 a.m. again unless it’s necessary.” He offered you a smile except it didn’t reach his eyes. His voice was flat, emotionless.

“Sleep well, Kakashi.” You spoke without thinking and Kakashi stopped mid-step. “I apologize for the way I addressed you—I wasn’t thinking—”

“It’s okay. I told you, we’re equals.” He didn’t turn back to look at you, his thoughts were entirely focused on protecting you both. Still, hearing his name fall from your lips affected him more than he expected.

And that’s how you ended up in the kitchen until midnight. Sprawled across the couch, head tilted toward the ceiling, arm dangling midair holding a book you’d barely reached page 7 of.

@strangergraphics for the dividers

[drdemonprince]

What are your thoughts about attachment theory? I've had people drop those labels on me, but when I look into it, I feel skeptical. I'm not suggesting that people don't fall into those patterns, but a lot of the literature feels... overly confident? And then the entire basis that suggests that, you had X style infant-hood means you'll have Y style attachment style... like is anything in Psychology that cut and dry?

I got a ton of thoughts for you on this, and luckily it's already put together into a handy article with citations!

The long and short of it is this: researchers have actually known for a really long time that attachment style is not an individual trait that gets locked in at birth. Rather, the patterns of our attachment in a relationship represent how we feel in that specific relationship.

if we are behaving in a very anxious and insecure fashion in one particular relationship, it might be because that relationship is on really shaky ground or the other person isn't reliable for us! if we are behaving in an avoidant way, it may reflect that we are feeling overwhelmed or are not really invested in the relationship in the same way as our partner is. or we might just be hella autistic and people are misreading our signals.

there is a lot more to attachment than the way it is summarized in shitty self-help books sold to the masses. there are some limitations with theory as it gets applied to neurodivergent people to be sure, but the reality of how we understand attachment is a lot more dynamic and relational anyway, it's not a personality type.

[2000sangel]

hello, may i humbly request some headcanons for tenna x a reader who happens to have similar abandonment issues to himself? thank you kindly

Hello there! These are not super in depth I guess, because the request was a little vague- which no worries!! If you'd like more or to read something akin to this that focuses on something I've mentioned, you're free to request again!

I just wanted to write them down as a basis of what I think a relationship like this would be like; I tried to make it realistic, hope I didn't absolutely fail LOL!

Tenna x Reader with Abandonment Issues

★ On impact, a relationship with Tenna doesn't sound half bad if you suffer from abandonment issues yourself; he's extremely caring and gentlemanly, always preoccupied about your health and whereabouts, and he's admittedly clingy, which makes the insecurities in you quell.

★ Tenna reassures you quite a bit that he's not going anywhere, he would hate for you to feel like how he's felt for a while before you came along, discarded and not loved enough. And of course, you do the same: you reassure him that he's never going to go through that again now that you're here. There's a lot of words of affirmations going on in your relationship, whether they mostly come from Tenna or they also come from you.

★ There are benefits and drawbacks to dating Tenna when you've got an anxious attachment style like this: there are certainly times where Tenna does make you feel better, about yourself or about your relationship with him, either willingly or unwillingly! Even just the fact that he feels anxious about you leaving slightly reassures you that he does in fact enjoy being with you…and the opposite is also true, he hates to see you upset of course, but when you do get upset that you couldn't spend enough time together that's also a confirmation that you love him, and that the time spent with him is precious to you.

★ I won't lie, instead I'll just say that at first this dynamic could easily evolve into something akin to codependency (or into that itself); you two could end up being dependant on each other and your anxieties could very well lead to misunderstandings and arguments that you'd have to go through to better the relationship.

★ However…if everything is handled well, it could very well strengthen both of your security in the relationship, in each other, and even in yourselves.

★ Tenna never gives up on spending time with you even after his very tiring and energy draining shows, he never turns down any kind of physical affection, in fact he initiates it a lot! He compliments you often, and his reactions to your affections are so obviously positive that they endear you and make you feel more secure. You stick with him through all his moods, good and bad, and help him regulate himself before shows, important meetings or simply a difficult situation; you gradually open up about your insecurities which prompts him to open up about his, building more trust between the two of you, and you encourage him a lot when it comes to his projects and ideas, even helping him come up with some and showing a lot of interest in them.

★ It might take some time before you two heal from what you've gone through in the past, but with each other's help it certainly comes easier, once you figure out how to navigate through your emotions -something that Tenna has a hard time doing on his own, so he appreciates you holding his hand through it!-.

★ Some of your past behaviors and feelings might influence how you act in the future after you've healed, though; it's quite funny and endearing how you just gravitate towards each other when you're in the same room, rarely leaving the other’s side.

[theambitiouswoman]

Introduction to attachment styles: How your attachment style was formed + how to rewire it

Your attachment style didn’t come out of nowhere. It wasn’t something you chose. Yes you may have had traumatic relationship experiences, but the patterns stem from a baseline. It was shaped early by the way love, comfort and safety were (or weren’t) given to you as a child

When you were a child, your brain is like a sponge (and people think babies are just cute props not their own human beings). But it's not just soaking up words and language it's absorbing emotional patterns. If your parent was warm, responsive and consistent, you most likely developed a secure attachment. Your nervous system learned that you can trust and are safe no matter what. I want to point out here that nothing inherently bad had to happen to you, but it is about how you perceived a situation when you were a child, based on you capacity of understanding and how the parents showed a habit of handling situations

if that love came with conditions… if your needs were ignored, minimized, or met inconsistently… your brain started wiring a little differently

If you have

Anxious attachment

You may have had parents who were emotionally unpredictable sometimes present, sometimes checked out. You learned to over function, people please, or stay hyperaware of other peoples moods to feel safe. Your nervous system got stuck in a loop that you need to earn love or you will lose it

Avoidant attachment

Maybe love felt distant, smothering, even unsafe. You learned to rely on yourself and keep your emotions buried to avoid being hurt or rejected. Independence became your armor. You think needing others is weakness

Disorganized (Fearful avoidant)

If love and fear came from the same source, like in homes with abuse, neglect, or chaos, you crave closeness but also fear it. It’s a push pull

Your attachment style is a pattern and patterns can be broken with awareness. Name your pattern. When you feel triggered, ask yourself if it is your wound reacting. If you’re unable to do that, revert back to your values and boundaries, decide to communicate your feelings in a healthy way, and that will give you the confidence you need to own whatever action or decision

You heal through new experiences. Different healthy ones than what you are used to. It goes without saying that this might make you feel uncomfortable, bored, anxious. Communicate, boundaries, values. Choose friendships or partners that feel emotionally safe. Let them show you that love doesn’t have to feel like anxiety

Show up for yourself the way your parent couldn’t. Wrote about this the other day but give yourself the love you want to receive first. Ask yourself what your inner child needs right now and then actually give it to them

You weren’t born broken. You were shaped. And you're allowed to reshape yourself in love, safety & truth 🤍

[wishcamper]

A Study in Survival: Disorganized Attachment and the Bonds of Nesta Archeron

a @nestaarcheronweek submission

So if you follow any of my work you know that I love to yap about psychological principles. Today I want to talk about attachment, and the trauma that occurs when you don’t get the bond you need.

Attachment styles are having a moment right now in pop psychology. It only takes a quick scroll through Instagram or TikTok (WebMD for mental disorders) to find a post about “dealing with an avoidant” or “heal your anxious attachment” or “10 things securely attached people do”.

I wanted to use today, Bonds day, to highlight a lesser-known pattern: disorganized attachment. We’re going to use Nesta Archeron as our case study.

But before we begin, a disclaimer: Nesta is a fictional character, so whether she does or doesn’t have disorganized attachment doesn’t matter. My credentials include a license in counseling and personal experience of disorganized attachment. These are my clinical interpretations of behavior based on the text. It’s not intended to be prescriptive nor diagnostic for any real people. If you identify with Nesta’s story or anything I detail here, help is available.

cw: non-graphic discussion of childhood trauma and abuse

We all know Nesta struggles when it comes to closeness. When we first meet her in ACOTAR, Nesta is angry at everyone but Elain. She hates their father, is disdainful of Feyre, and approaches relationships with utilitarianism. Tomas is attracted to me? Great, marry him for security.

Attachment is a blanket term that describes the phenomenon of infants bonding with their caregivers. Bonding is essential in the first few years of life, especially the first few months. Infants who are held, attended to when they cry, and have their basic needs met develop a fundamental trust in the world around them. They learn on a pre-thought level that they can expect others to to care about what’s happening to them, and when they don’t, that’s the exception. This is called secure attachment.

There are a lot of competing theories about why and how the other attachment patterns form. The evolutionary theory from Dr. John Bowlby suggests that bonding between children and caregivers was essential to survival. Humans generally have one baby at a time, and a baby left alone in the outdoors isn’t going to last for long. Through instinctive behaviors that invoke a drive to attend in others (crying, screaming, smiling, clinging), infants can ensure that their needs are met. Through consistent and repeated response to needs, this bond and the trust associated with it solidify, so in the event a caregiver cannot attend to the child, it is a temporary rupture that can be repaired instead of the basis for viewing all relationships.

Think about it in terms of ancient humans: when threatened by the outside world, does the child have a safe place to go back to? Is there a fire to gather around where they can expect to be fed and comforted and kept warm? What if it’s only there sometimes, but they can’t predict when? Or is all the world a dark night full of predators?

And beyond this, what if the attachment figure is the predator? Someone with disorganized attachment patterns may experience the caregiver as the direct source of harm via abuse.

From what we know in canon, Nesta’s childhood was not so warm and fuzzy. The facts we have are that before age ten her grandmother was physically abusive, her family assumed from birth that she would marry nobility (and trained her accordingly), her mother was verbally and emotionally abusive, and her father did not step in effectively to stop this. No one was meeting her emotional needs effectively. Add to this that nearly 80% of children who experience abuse display some degree of disorganized attachment, and it seems pretty obvious.

So if we imagine her partaking in Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Procedure, what would we expect to see? Distress when her mother leaves, fear when she returns, and ambivalence about whether or not to go to her for comfort. A child who has not learned a mostly-effective strategy for soliciting care because the attachment figure is too unpredictable, and the price of being wrong is too high (abuse).

This can affect a person into adulthood in a number of ways, regarding both self-concept and relationships with others.

I want you to imagine that almost every time you made eye contact with a person you love, they never smiled. It’s natural that you would begin to wonder if you’ve done something wrong. You try different things, but they still never smile. Even if they smiled once, repeating the same action doesn’t cause it to happen again. So it’s not what you’re doing that’s wrong—you are wrong. Something about you is not worth smiling at, no matter what you do. Maybe you’re just a person who doesn’t deserve to be smiled at. You’re not good enough. And when you have no other relationships to fall back on, no independently-built self-concept to contradict that, you develop a core identity of shame.

Children do not have the ability to label their caregiver as the one doing wrong when they are very young. Believing so would mean that NO one is looking out for them, they are alone, and thus will not survive. Abandonment to children feels like death, because at one time that's what it meant. Instead the child splits and places all good characteristics onto the parents, and all bad ones onto themselves, in order to get enough security to keep living.

Nesta grew up in a loveless house, describing no warmth from either parent. She was constantly being criticized and allowed to be hurt by her grandmother. It would be a rare child that doesn’t grow up in that situation thinking something is wrong with them.

But we don’t even have to know the details to see these threads in the present. Nesta is wary of ALL relationship. She does not trust others have her best interest at heart. She does not believe other people will inherently like her. She feels deep shame about her own emotions (regardless of the behaviors) and punishes herself for coming up short. She self-medicates with substances—VERY common—and we never see her demonstrate healthy self-esteem. These are all hallmarks of a person who did not have the opportunity to experience loving, secure attachment in childhood.

(Sidebar: this is how we do trauma therapy with incomplete/inaccessible memories or when people don’t want to go into detail. We focus instead on what exists now in the debris field of the trauma.)

Okay, now that we’ve established the core shame identity, let’s talk about relational trauma. According to Pete Walker, a licensed marriage and family therapist who studies and has written several books on complex post-traumatic stress, asserts that the conditions that create disorganized attachment are inherently traumatizing. The core wound of all abuse is emotional neglect, which is the failure of the attachment figure to attune to and meet the needs of a child.

One of the most insidious ways C-PTSD manifests is via emotional flashbacks. These are so ingrained the person doesn’t know they’re happening unless they build conscious awareness of them. Emotional flashbacks are moments when past feelings visit the present via remembered sensations of relational trauma.

A person gets cut off in traffic and experiences the feeling of their dad raging until he gets his way. Someone gets an email notification from their boss and feels a rush of fear that they’re in trouble, traveling back to a time they might not even consciously remember, when their mom didn’t speak to them for a day because they used the wrong soap.

Emotional flashbacks can be extremely subtle. The other day I realized I was feeling shame because I “can’t do pillows right”. I’ve been having pain in my neck and struggling to find the right configuration that helps me sleep better. And I legitimately caught myself feeling self-hatred because wow I’m so dumb that I can’t figure that out I'm such a worthless person. As if it’s even possible! to be bad! at PILLOWS!

I believe we see Nesta having emotional flashbacks throughout the series. The IC showing up to her door demanding help—great, here’s person who wants something from me I don’t want to give, this will end in pain. Her difficulty moving on from the events of the war—what’s wrong with me, why can everyone else just move on? Cassian loving her—love always comes at a price I have to pay because I’m not inherently worthy. She repeatedly mentions not feeling deserving of him. So she employs strategies learned over time in order to protect herself.

People with disorganized attachment patterns suffer in relationships, and they suffer out of them. They want connection desperately but are terrified when they receive it. They employ mechanisms to defend their frightened inner child that habituate over time. It’s not uncommon for people with C-PTSD to develop a default stress response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) instead of having access to the utility of the whole spectrum.

It might sound funny, but I believe Nesta is a habituated freeze type. As an adult she has more of an ability to fight back, which she does employ, being sharp and cold as a way to prevent people from getting close or trying to take advantage of her. But fight types tend to blame others for their feelings. Yet over and over again we see Nesta blame herself. And in moments of greatest stress, we see her collapse. Her alcohol use. The hike. Her submission to Rhysand after giving Bryce the Mask. Even all of the books to a certain extent. I think about how she must’ve survived with her mother and grandmother—learning how to take it, how to swallow her feelings and perform.

Stress responses exists in a hierarchy, and habituated freeze types are often called the most profoundly abandoned children, as they were not able to employ fight, flight, nor fawn in response to danger. They instead utilize a kind of deadened endurance to survive harm by escaping within. If you’re even seen a prey animal go limp while being attacked, this is the freeze response taken to its extreme conclusion, where the animal is flooded with natural opiates as they prepare to die.

Healing disorganized attachment is not simple or easy. I don’t say that to be a downer, but because relearning trust is really complicated. It takes very deliberate awareness of unconscious patterns, tireless repetition of redirections away from those patterns, and acceptance that the past is affecting us in the present whether we want it to or not.

Learning to ask for help and comfort, to even acknowledge you want it, is so fucking hard. There are days for me it legitimately feels like dying, to ask.

But it is possible via neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to form new pathways. By doing the daily work, surrounding ourselves with safe people for “reparenting by committee”, and commitment to a vision of ourselves as a worthy person, we can start to rewrite the story of our own self-concept.

I hope to see this for Nesta in the future. We see her begin to explore this is her relationships with Gwyn and Emerie, and to a certain extent Cassian. I think she has the hope for it, and some of the right people, and the willingness to keep trying even when it’s painful and dark. If I were her counselor, I would encourage her to look at the places where she gives others grace that she does not give herself, and to be curious about why. What actually is the value you want to uphold? Is it kindness? Then why are you the exception? And is that reason actually true?

Okay that’s it. Hope this was coherent. Happy Nesta Week!

[sk-lumen]

People that have a secure attachment style, you have no idea how privileged you are from so many points of view. Your healthy childhood upbringing or healthy primary caregiver dynamic has blessed you with more benefits than you can imagine. It's given you confidence, a healthy self-respect, a sense of security that you are resilient and can fall back on your community, your family in the face of any challenges. It's given you the ability to walk away from what's toxic or non-reciprocal. You don't tolerate toxic jobs, you don't tolerate partners that abuse or breadcrumb or manipulate you. The truth that love is simply given, instead of fought for or earned or sacrificed for, is simply embedded into you. You navigate through life and relationships with a clear head, no false-belief blueprints blinding you or making you see red where there are only opportunities or lessons.

Meanwhile, avoidants felt neglected or ignored from a young age. So they learned to turn away from those that should've protected them the most. They grew up learning that nobody can be trusted, nobody can be relied upon, so they crave closeness but push anyone who does get too close, worse yet they resent anyone who does display vulnerability or softness or unconditional love towards them. They go through life thinking they're not enough, they're broken, whatever they are isn't worthy of being loved. They'd rather sabotage every relationship around them and remain alone than to face their discomfort. Even so, at least they savour their independence, and they usually excel professionally because they're more detached and self-driven.

Anxious attachers have it worse. In their formative years, they were consistently abandoned and shown that asking for love will get them nowhere, until they begged and begged and internalized that love is something to be fought for, something they have to sacrifice their needs for, that love...is inextricably tied to loss. To someone forever leaving and walking out on them. They learned that the more vigilant they are of every detail of every day, the more control they exert, the more power they could have in changing the outcome. But that's the lie, the fantasy, right there. The more they client, the more the other pulls away. There is no other ending to this story. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Life has proven to them that everyone always leaves, and everyone abandons them, so in any dynamic the fear of being left is so deeply engrained that the anxiety just consumes them. They learned they are too much, asking for too much, needing too much, always too much. And that to be loved, they have to be less. Less of themselves. Less of everything. Love becomes self-denial, self-sabotage, self-sacrifice. They're stuck in the pattern, scrambling this way and that, and just when they think they've escaped the maze and healed their attachment disorder, the pattern repeats yet again, turning their favorite person into a lesson. Again. And again. And it seems to never end. And even profesionally, they simultaneously feel like they're not enough of the right thing, and too much of the wrong thing.

And the disorganized attachment? They have it worst, according to science. Whereas the other two developed a single strategy to win back love, the disorganized have fallen into such a tangled chaos that they're stuck between both. If their partner runs, they start chasing after them. But if the partner stops, and the disorganized reaches out for love and it's given, they're the ones to run away. There is no relief, no finality, no cohesion. They're chasing or being chased, there's no stopping. They never learned to properly connect or regulate.

My point is, the latter three have a universal disadvantage to fight against, overcome, struggle with again and again until somehow they can heal what was never their fault to begin with. Disadvantage in love, in career, in worldviews, in false limited beliefs that are toxic to both self and others, it's having doubts and anxieties and second-guessing everything especially their own judgement. It's no easy feat.

So yes, the securely attached are way ahead of the game.

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Enhypen as a Boyfriend

Okay, diving into how each member will be like as a boyfriend as of now, so I got more cards than I wanted, but hey, they like to talk lol and just felt like keeping it that way, so here we go. Looking at these cards right away, man, there is some intense energy here, here we go.

I will stress I keep it real, I take whatever messages come to me, it isn't always pretty. We are all flawed beings, no judgment here. I got to say this, because this one was intense, especially the eldest ones.

Heeseung (4 of Cups/The Devil/The Moon) Ugh, so I have been doing love readings for him for a while before posting and this boy gets the devil card a lot! So, it is back! *Sighs* Okay, so he may have a tendency to have attachment issues, can be possessive, and a jealous boyfriend. I can assume he has an anxious attachment style, just assuming. But then, on the flip side can distance himself and detach as well. He may have the tendency to numb his problems or emotions in relationships. I also get a strong addictive pattern with him in general, but not sure how that plays in relationships. He can be emotional and nurture the needs of his partner but can also bottle it down. Not getting a lot of great messages here. I mean these two cards don't give me someone with healthy, not boundaries popping up in my head, but wanting to say healthy relationships patterns. I can say he can be the type to tend and nurture the emotional needs of his partner. I want You to Need Me by Celine Dion is popping in my head. I got to listen to that song, because it may be significant to how he feels in relationships, interesting. Because I haven't heard or thought of that song in forever lol

Jay (The Hanged Man/Chiron) How I feel this boy doesn't want to deal with relationships right now, but that's another topic, but hey it is popping up here, so he may want to stress that. I don't know if he is really showing me the type of boyfriend he will be to be honest, more so that he has been hurt by love, like he has been ghosted and hurt by that, why am I getting this?! He's the type to wait for a person's call or message. Anyway, I can see him as a reflective boyfriend. The type that can work through the difficult periods in a relationship and try to work it out. He may be able to see the hurt he may have caused, sorry, that came to me. It is like the energy is giving me specific things here that may have happened to him. I tap into the energies at hand, so what I just got is, I know I am not the perfect boyfriend, but give me time to heal, wow, that is wild. Man, I had to sit with that a bit. I think I'll move on here.

Jake (Page of Swords/Sextile) So, had to laugh when the Page of Swords popped up, because well, not surprised, anyway. I always see this card as someone you may need to be cautious of, sorry. This can also show he is cautious communicating or speaking his truth in relationships. He may be hesitant to move forward. I also see him not having much knowledge regarding relationships, but a curiosity to learn. I don't see him sharing much as boyfriend. But he may want to learn about his partner. Relationships just don't seem easy to him and can be a mental challenge for him. With that sextile energy, there will be ups and down, high and lows, but this energy always leads to good outcomes. This kind of gives me he enjoys intensity in relationships, like the tension brings spark, so yeah, tried not to go too much into that, if you get it you do, but if you don't, sorry.

Sunghoon (Ace of Wands/5 of Swords/House 6) What is this!? Oh no, so this is where you are taking me...Okay, he may like to start fights or he just starts it, because of the passion he has. I think it is more his passion leads to fight, but I am not sure what that means tbh. I don't see him as wanting to start fights, because he seems to hate arguments from his energy. I wish you can understand the mental battle I am having to explain this. Okay, it is like he does off the cuff things without thinking that leads to fights. I will also say that card is a sexual card, so he might act on his impulses or be accused of it, just saying, I write how I feel. As a boyfriend he might miss details and not understand things that lead to fights. With that House 6 card, the one message says practical details, it is like he misses certain details in relationships that causes problems. This is so weird and a bit specific than I wanted, anyway. I can say he is very passionate, but it can run out quickly with the card being an ace. It is like he runs hot and then cold. This was all over the place honestly. I don't know what I picked up on here.

Sunoo (Page of Wands/Air) Okay, this one is on the lighter side, thank god. He is fun and airy is what I got. He is curious, playful and adventurous. He can have a tendency to be immature with this page energy. He is also very open-minded, willing to adapt and learn from his partner. He loves the exchange of ideas as well. I can see him liking a bit of banter. Honestly, he is just here to have a good time. Once again, not getting he wants things to be too serious and deep. That was short and sweet lol

Jungwon (8 of Swords/Fixed) He can be pretty stubborn and stuck in his ways as a boyfriend. I am getting fixed mindset. I will say he is loyal, dependable and reliable as a boyfriend. He will be there when needed and support his partner as a boyfriend. He is consistent and stays the course, what that means, who knows. There could be an inability to act on his desires, what I mean if he is interested in someone, he may not do anything about it is what I am getting. He kind of gets stuck in his head about what to do and how to go about it. He may have fears about relationships in general. Another quick and to the point one. I don't see him being a complicated boyfriend honestly, he may just struggle to act as one. Also, his lack of experience may be the reason it isn't as complicated as the hyung line lol

Ni-Ki (2 of Pentacles/Libra/Uranus) I kind of like this energy. I see him not being into conventional relationships, break the status quo mindset. I mean whatever the status quo is in Japan, he may veer of that. Also, he likes freedom and is open minded to try new things. With the Libra and 2 of Pentacles, he definitely likes it to be fair and balanced. He wants harmony. He would want consideration on both sides as a boyfriend. He is also someone who will not put all his energy in relationships. He got other things to do is what I hear. He will fit you in when he can lol I am not sure that is how you go about it, but that is Venus in Cap energy. I am not seeing him be too emotionally invested here. He may be that way at times, but that won't be an everyday occurrence. I am hearing a practical bond. He wants something practical and sustaining.

Okay, that was crazy. I am not sure why these energies get so heavy and specific, but I am here for the ride, interesting stuff though. I will stress don't take anything here is fact. I just go with what I get, takes what resonates, leave what doesn't. I don't really like putting them in a bad light, but at the end of the day I keep it real. If the message comes through, I take it. I am just a girl with cards here lol Also Hyung line got some work to do, but we all do on our healing journey of life.

[aro-culture-is]

aro culture is wondering whether you're romance-repulsed or just scared of commitment

tbh, i think scared of commitment is one of the least useful phrases i know in the english language. at least skibidi toilet brings joy to the Youth. like, fear of commitment meaning... what? i swear it's like, what if we demonize people for their anxiety, and then don't acknowledge that except to blame them for self-sabotage that they don't want to do either?

idk ig, but... look, if the question is "am i repulsed by romance or scared of commitment," i do have a few questions about how tf those are related. does hearing about romantic actions repulse you? you don't have to identify with those styles of labels also - I don't, I find them restrictive and unhelpful. another system member does. it's whatever.

anyways, i think that when ppl talk about fear of commitment, they really need to learn about attachment theory, and anxious-avoidant personalities. this is not like love languages/MBTI/Enneagram/etc pseudo-scientific stuff, this is like, considered psychologically validated via studies. it's not a permanent thing per se, but it's useful to address how you approach relationships, safety, and such.

a few links to get you started:

wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

the attachment project (good rundown, has a quiz, slightly different groupings, but a little more... money grabby): https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-theory/

this website is one i'd be cautious of and fact check, but the 'how to heal' section has decent recommendations: https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html

[ne-umeyu-tancevat]

i feel like attachment theory was never ever meant to pigeonhole attachment styles into this one dimensional dynamic where people with anxious attachment are perpetual wounded victims and people with avoidant attachment are eternally cold toxic abusers, and yet this is exactly the rhetoric i see 95% of the time whenever i try to look into attachment theory on the internet. there's a huge problem of dehumanization and demonization in this circle, to the extent that the label for those with an avoidant attachment style has been truncated down to simply "avoidant" - "why do avoidants do this?" "avoidants are xyz" "here's how to get back at an avoidant". this stands out because it's a treatment that people with anxious attachment styles don't receive; they don't get shortened to, i dont know, "anxiouses" or whatever, they at least get the dignity of being referred to with some part of their personhood still present "anxiously attached people" "those with anxious attachment" "anxious partner" (also, i guess you can get fucked if you have disorganized/fearful-avoidant attachment cause this rarely gets mentioned)

wasn't the whole point of this theory that everybody with an attachment style that isn't secure is wounded and deserving of healing? we were all failed by our caregivers, it just pushed us into different dysfunctional ways of relating. why does an anxiously attached person's pain supersede the pain of someone with an avoidant attachment style? why does your need for constant reassurance and fear of abandonment trump over someone else's need for space and fear of being burned again by closeness? i'm asking, genuinely, what makes your pain more important, more worthy of compassion and understanding than theirs? and then they come out of the woodwork with something like "its because aaavoidantssssss don't want to heal and its impossible for them because theyre just inherently broken people. (six paragraph trauma dump about their shitty husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/ex that you're meant to generalize towards everyone with an avoidant attachment style)"

imagine trying to start that process of healing and you're met with thousands of videos and posts like "top 5 reasons why you'll never heal!" "three key reasons why you are fundamentally incapable of loving." "here's 7 ways for someone to purposefully trigger your trauma to get back at you for the way your trauma affected them". like, i guess only the most perfect and pure victims are allowed even a modicum of empathy for their struggles.

[fashionably-forgetful]

Your Anxious Attachment Style Questions Answered

Can a narcissist have an anxious attachment style? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Am I an anxious attachment style type of person?” Not to fret, you’ve come to the right spot to find out. It is possible for a narcissist to have an anxious attachment style, although it’s important to understand that narcissism and attachment styles are separate psychological constructs. Attachment styles…

[exsanguidus]

Controversial opinion; I think Ascended Astarion is the true Astarion. In DnD lore, vampirism amplifies a person's traits for whoever they are at the time they become a true vampire. A Paladin wanting to save people will end up ruling a city with an iron fist to keep people safe. A mage wanting to heal those they love will hurt everyone else to heal them. Astarion was on a journey with Tav - one from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy. I think Ascended Astarion is cannon Astarion. He will always be a vampire, and vampires in DnD are always the amplification of a true self. Without ascention, he is still malleable - but I don't think its what he wants. He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is.

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer:

I work in the mental health field professionally and majored in Social & Behavioral Science, which is partly why I felt drawn to Astarion as a sort of case study. Characters rooted in trauma are interesting to me and I enjoy picking them apart to judge how real it feels. I utilize my educational and professional background to essentially guide how I write Astarion on this account.

That said, despite me being a professional in the field, all of what I have to say is my personal opinion and interpretation of Astarion's character based on how I interpret the material Larian gave us and the material that can be found in DND lore. Even in real life, things have variation and not all mental health struggles (getting over trauma is part of mental health) present the exact same way. There are theories that exist to try and explain some trends in mental health studies, psychology, and sociology, but again they're called theories for a reason.

Now, my response to this question will be under the cut and will include spoilers.

I know what lore in particular you're referencing, anon, because I've been going back to it a lot ever since I opened this account.

Astarion very much has an insecure attachment style born from his abuse at Cazador's hands. Specifically, an anxious-avoidant attachment type that leans more towards avoidant when he's first met and then begins to swing more towards anxious as he begins to get closer to Tav and the other companions.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues. Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them (Mark Manson, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships).

Typically, most studies of Attachment Theory focus on the relationship of parents-children or romantic partners, but it can also be applied to any significant relationship someone has in their lifetime. Attachment styles thus are capable of changing based on new relationship experiences.

If you end up giving him the "good" ending where he denies the Ascension, it's implied in his final dialogue that he's actively working towards having a secure attachment type due to the influences of his fellow worm-afflicted associates - particularly Tav.

I think that it's important to also note that, even if Tav doesn't romantically connect with Astarion, he shows hints of desperately wanting someone to care for him, support him, and love him. He does want to know what sex would be like as something other than a tool, and especially what it would be like to actually want to have it just for the pure sake of enjoying having it.

You have to understand that Astarion doesn't even understand the concept of casual sex or friends with benefits. All those times he had to seduce people for Cazador was not casual sex or a friends with benefits situation. All of them were transactions with a means to an end. He got nothing out of seducing those victims besides the possibility of not incurring Cazador's wrath that night - but even then, there was still a possibility because Cazador was an abuser.

Abusers are incapable of providing genuine safety, but can manipulate their victims into believing an illusion of safety. Often times, they manipulate their victims into this by using phrases like "you made me do this by being disobedient", "it wouldn't come to this if you just did what you were told", and then weaponizing basic needs such as shelter, food, and social interaction. The bare minimum becomes something the victim is expected to be grateful for and viewed as a favor, which means anything beyond the bare minimum is expected to be viewed as a theatrical showing of care and love.

In game, Tav has the chance to hear Astarion tell the story of how Cazador turned him. He basically states that he got attacked by a mob due to a ruling he handed down when he was magistrate and then Cazador saved him and offered him immortality. It can be inferred that in his pre-vampiric days, Astarion had no idea that Cazador was abusive to his spawn.

This is likely because it seems that Cazador is careful about his public image. He doesn't allow his spawn to drink from humans, very likely not just as a means to further oppress them and dampen their potential power they could get from drinking people's blood, but also as a way to ensure there's not just a bunch of people out in the city being bitten and left alive to tell the story - or left dead on the street suspiciously.

He has his spawn seduce and lure people, particularly lower class people that would be harder for general society to realize is missing or just that he knows people who could actually challenge him wouldn't care for (you learn that reading some of the books and notes in Szarr Palace). The only exception to this is the kidnapping of Gur children, but even then it seems to fit his MO as it seems Gur are considered somewhat outcasts from the rest of Baldurian society due to their cultural differences.

It should also be noted that he himself doesn't do these seductions or kidnappings. He specifically chooses spawn to be his lackeys and that's likely so, if shit hits the fan and the spawn gets caught, he has deniability since he wasn't there. It's methodical and thought out to keep as many eyes away from him so he can still obtain what he wants and keep sailing under the radar.

Cazador is this methodical and purposeful as a result of his own trauma, which we learn about from the skull of his master in the dungeon of Szaar Palace. There's one interaction in particular with the skull in which Tav can learn that, at one point, Cazador attempted to rebel and usurp his master. Cazador failed and his master punished him via impalement. Not because Cazador had the audacity to try and usurp him, but because Cazador tried and failed. Cazador's master punished Cazador via torture because his master was disgusted by the fact that his spawn was too weak to succeed in such a plot.

Which brings me to my next point... it's not uncommon for victims of abuse to later become abusers. Hence the term Cycle of Abuse exists. Many abusers who were once victims often have the mentality of either "I'm not nearly as bad as my abuser was, they should be grateful I care enough to not be so bad" or "I survived and it made me tougher, they need to suck it up and let it help them build character" or both. They often fail to view their abuse as abuse and fail to recognize how their experience as abuse victims contributes into making them toxic and abusive to others.

There's many peer-reviewed scholarly articles you can find about the cycle of abuse, but one I particularly find useful is Editorial: Dissociation, and cycles of abuse across generations by David P.H. Jones. It talks specifically about parents and children, but I believe some of the general points made can be applied to Cazador and his spawn, as he crafts a very family-like setting that can be seen in the way that his spawn refer to one another as brothers and sisters.

This would thus make him the father figure, a role exponentially made important by the fact he denies his spawn education on things that could serve to give them ideas or the ability to leave him (for example, Astarion mentions that none of the spawn were permitted to learn about the language of the various symbols around the palace) and he consistently chooses his Golden Children (Favored Spawns) as a means of providing more false security. Do what he says, when he says, exactly how he says and don't complain then you will have benefits. You will be Favored, and to have his favor is the highest honor you could achieve.

Torture is clearly presented as Cazador's primary go-to for discipline. Research has also concluded that trauma has a way of affecting the brain and memories.

Trauma can prevent information (like words, images, sounds, etc.) from different parts of the brain from combining to make a semantic memory. The temporal lobe and inferior parietal cortex collect information from different brain areas to create semantic memory (The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine).

Astarion mentions a few times in-game that he can barely remember his life before Cazador, if at all, and a huge part of that is likely because of all the trauma Cazador inflicted upon him that exacerbated the natural occurrence of memory loss from aging (if vampires experience natural memory loss from aging, that is). This is most likely true for all of Cazador's spawn.

I say all this as a set up to truly answering you, anon, specifically where you say: "from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy."

I can argue that Astarion did not feel free up until after a decision to Ascend or not was made. And I argue that stance due to some dialogue he can have with Tav here he basically states that the power Ascension could guarantee that no one, even someone after Cazador is dead, could ever come in to oppress and hurt him again. Even with Cazador dead, he has such an intense fear of being enslaved and used that he turns to catastrophic thoughts as justification to why he needs to Ascend.

Catastrophic thinking is a cognitive distortion that occurs when people have a hard time weighing the likelihood of certain outcomes and believe that terrible or catastrophic outcomes—which are highly unlikely—become, in one’s mind, salient and extremely likely. (Tom Zaubler, MD, MPH).

Aside from the Gur, whom Astarion can manage to evade and even kill perfectly fine as just a spawn, we're not presented with any hints of another big bad in the vampire world that could possibly want Astarion. As such, there's not really any tangible threat, but rather a perceived threat that he believes is destined to darken his doorstep at any time.

His catastrophic thinking is a trauma response. His belief that he needs to be the most powerful being in the room as a way to be truly free is a trauma response. Cazador broke him down emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually to make him believe that he was weak and trapped. Furthermore, that he remained trapped because he was too weak to do anything about it.

You see how this goes full circle into how Cazador's master punished Cazador for not being able to successfully usurp him? It places blame on the victim, allowing shame and helplessness to root that the abuser can manipulate. We know that Astarion definitely feels shame because he tells Tav that. For most of his dialogue until the boss fight, he's constantly bringing up that he did what Cazador wanted and acted obedient because he had no choice.

This is true, he had to act in self-preservation to survive and unfortunately that meant he had to be subservient. A few dialogue choices you can have your Tav pick can challenge Astarion and say he could have still tried, to which he'll rightfully tell Tav that Tav has no right to judge him for the choices he made to survive.

When Astarion encounters Sebastian in the dungeon, its made pretty obvious how much guilt and shame he truly feels. Furthermore, that for all Astarion's protesting and exclaiming that no one has the right to judge him, a part of him did believe that he didn't do enough to try and escape enslavement. A part of himself blamed himself and believed he allowed himself to be abused when, in reality, he was put in a horrible situation with very limited options. He did the best he could in the moment, with what information he had in those moments.

I also want to argue that who Astarion is when we meet him isn't his true self. It's who he had to become in order to survive Cazador. Astarion doesn't even know who his true self is because he didn't have the opportunity to explore his own likes and preferences. Cazador molded all of his spawn because he had a specific purpose for them.

Not only that, but since Cazador would have to more directly deal with these spawn since he used them as lackies, he also would have molded them to behave in ways to his preference so that he wouldn't find their presence unbearable and feel inclined to murder them out of annoyance. This is also where the Favored Spawn being separated and set on a pedestal comes into play. Those who could please him and play to his wants and needs had better benefits. If all of the spawn are acting in self-preservation, they would want to be favored and thus would want to adapt themselves to things Cazador liked and approved of.

This would mean learning to be cruel to those less fortunate and not doing anything as charity. This is the reason why Astarion approves of some questionable decisions Tav can make. Astarion learned his ideals and morality from Cazador because he had to so he could know how to please Cazador and stay in his master's good graces. After a while, even if you started off disagreeing, forcing yourself to act a certain way can become a habit that sticks with you. You convince yourself to enjoy it too so it's easier to swallow.

Astarion craves power because he knows that power is the quickest, easiest, and - what he believes - most effective way to prevent him from having to use that method ever again. It's logical to want power to solve that.

You said in your ask: "He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is."

In the most literal of terms, yes, Ascension gives him all of those. However, since the basis of him believing he needs power to be free is rooted in fear, that's not actually really freedom. That is still his fear ruling over him.

There's a stark difference in what someone wants versus what they need. He wants power, to be seen, to be loved, and to be free. What he actually needs is security, stability, support, consistency, empathy, and autonomy. The things he wants is what he believes will solve the empty cups of what he needs, and he believes that because the only example he had on how to act to get what you want - until the events of the game - was Cazador. He literally had no other example of how to get your needs met except through selfishness, cruelty, force, manipulation, and abuse.

Again, I reiterate. The Astarion we first meet is not Astarion's true nature. Astarion's true nature was corrupted by his abuse from Cazador and the subsequent trauma that followed. If it had been his true nature, he would have happily been Cazador's subject because their true natures would have been in alignment.

It only becomes his true nature if he allows that trauma to define him and decides that he needs to embrace it rather than fight it. That is then what gets amplified because that fear that roots those wants becomes amplified.

Honestly, it's impossible to say what would be canon for Astarion because there's too many factors.

Studies have shown that having more supportive and positive influences, even if its later in life after leaving the abuser, tends to work in favor of the victim breaking the cycle of abuse. As such, I think that if you make a Tav who's core values are autonomy, consent, second chances, and redemption and somehow manage to get high enough approval that he'd even consider caring what they think; then its more likely that Astarion would reject Ascension due to observing how much softer, kinder, patient, and merciful Tav is.

But if its a Tav that has no interest in getting to know him beyond the surface or Tav doesn't exist at all, I honestly think he would end up going through with Ascension. Mostly because, to me, it seems like he didn't really bother to have more than surface level interactions with the other companions and the other companions really only ended up getting to know him better as a result to Tav managing to get past his masking. He does not lower his mask on his own accord, only after certain things are done and said by Tav.

Unfortunately, I just don't really think any of the other companions you can pick up in-game would really be able to provide support and determined consistency in the same way that players can make Tav. Hence I don't think he'd end up caring enough about any of them to ever start to think that perhaps freedom can be defined differently than the way he initially believes, and would view Ascension as the only right way to get his needs fulfilled.

[trophy-girl]

How to Heal Abandonment Issues & Stop Feeling Unwanted

Abandonment issues can make relationships feel like a constant battle fearing rejection, overthinking, and chasing people who don’t treat you right. But the truth is: you are not hard to love, and you don’t have to beg for the right people to stay.

🌹🌹🌷🌹🌷🌹🌹🌷🌹🌹🌷🌹🌹🌷🌹🌹🌹

Build Emotional Independence

Instead of depending on others for happiness, focus on creating a life that feels fulfilling on your own.

• Find things that bring you joy - hobbies, fitness, personal growth, or creative outlets.

• Learn to enjoy alone time – being alone doesn’t mean being unloved.

• Remind yourself that you are complete on your own – relationships should add to your life, not be your only source of happiness.

🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶

Reframe Negative Thoughts

Abandonment fears often come from negative beliefs about yourself or relationships. Challenge them:

• Old thought: Everyone leaves me eventually.

• New thought: Some people leave, but others stay. I attract people who care about me.

• Old thought: I have to prove my worth so people don’t leave.

• New thought: I am worthy of love without proving anything.

Stop Chasing Unavailable People

If someone is inconsistent, emotionally distant, or not treating you well, let them go.

• If someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort.

• Chasing people who don’t value you reinforces the belief that you have to fight for love.

• Instead, choose relationships where love and effort are mutual.

Practice Self-Soothing

When feelings of abandonment come up, instead of panicking or seeking outside validation, try:

• Breathing exercises – inhale deeply, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly.

• Journaling – write out what you’re feeling instead of reacting impulsively.

• Affirmations – tell yourself, “I am safe. I am loved. I am enough.”

• Distraction techniques – go for a walk, listen to music, or do something you enjoy.

Set Boundaries & Raise Your Standards

People with abandonment issues often put up with mistreatment because they fear losing someone. Change this by

• Saying no to people who only show up when they need something.

• Cutting off relationships that make you feel anxious or unimportant.

• Prioritizing people who respect your time, feelings, and energy.

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Work on Your Attachment Style

Abandonment fears often create insecure attachment styles:

• Anxious Attachment: You fear rejection and overthink people’s actions.

• Avoidant Attachment: You push people away to avoid getting hurt.

To build secure attachment:

• Choose relationships where communication and trust are strong.

• Stop overanalyzing or assuming people will leave.

• Accept that not every relationship is meant to last, and that’s okay.

Heal the Root Cause

Your fear of abandonment likely started from past experiences. Instead of running from it, address it:

• Write a letter to your younger self reassuring them that they are safe and loved.

• Acknowledge past pain but remind yourself that it doesn’t define your future.

• If possible, talk to a therapist to help work through deeper wounds.

Focus on Self-Worth

Feeling abandoned makes people think they aren’t enough. Rebuild your self-worth by:

• Affirming your value daily: “I am worthy of love and care.”

• Surrounding yourself with people who uplift and appreciate you.

• Investing in yourself—physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Final Reminder

You are NOT too much. You are NOT unworthy. And you are NOT destined to be abandoned forever. Healing takes time, but the moment you stop fearing loss and start embracing self-security, you’ll attract the kind of love that feels stable, healthy, and effortless.

[drdemonprince]

I saw your tags about attachment theory bs and was wondering if you would be interested in expanding on why attachment theory is regressive?

I have written about the problems with attachment theory (as it is usually applied) in Unmasking Autism, and there's some more about this in Unlearning Shame, as well as this article:

The short version: any treatment of attachment patterns as static "types" rather than varying based on person's situation and the dynamics of each specific relationship is going to miss a lot, and may in practice amount to blaming the victim, so to speak, for accurately noticing that something in a given relationship is wrong. If you're anxiously attached in your romantic relationship, that might be you accurately noticing that your partner has been unreliable and inconsistent. If at the same time you are in an avoidant pattern with your parents, it might be because you've accurately gauged that they are emotionally surveilling, controlling, and stifling. Every relationship dynamic is different and can have its own attachment pattern. Often our attachment behaviors are rational and rooted in the truth of the relationship, not infantile baggage we absorbed years ago that is making us irrational

The way attachment style is measured leaves neurodivergent people out -- it's nearly impossible for an Autistic person to qualify as secure based on conventional measures.

Furthermore, the conception of what the two primary insecure attachment types (anxious and avoidant) look like are just regurgitated gender stereotypes -- read through the list of anxious and avoidant traits and how most psychologists write about them and you'll see it's very women are from venus men are from mars type bullshit.

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

Maybe You Have A Anxious Attachment…

Hey, babesss I recently realized I had an anxious attachment and it was starting to affect certain parts of my life specifically my friendships. I had a lot of friendships I was clinging on to because of my anxious attachment I was giving more of myself in these friendships and not receiving anything in return while people pleasing. All of this triggered from my anxious attachment and I wanted to share the things I’ve learned that could help you if you have an anxious attachment.

What is an attachment style? 

♡ An attachment style is a kind of bond we form with others. We develop these kinds of bonds at a young age from the interactions we have with our parents/guardians. These attachment styles follow us into our adulthood.

♡ There are four attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment.

♡ Secure Attachment: You feel secure in your own space and can be open and supportive towards others.

♡ Anxious Attachment: You do not trust other feelings towards you and need constant reassurance.

♡ Avoidant Attachment: You have trouble opening up and showing your emotions.

♡ Disorganized Attachment: you do not trust. You either push people away or have an unhealthy need for closeness. 

Where does your anxious attachment come from?

♡ This attachment style is formed when a child learns that they cannot depend on their parent/guardian to meet their comfort needs.

♡ This is a result of inconsistent or distant parenting.

♡ Most people with anxious attachments had parents/guardians who were easily overwhelmed, switched between being attentive to pushing away, and made the child feel responsible for their feelings.

Signs you have an anxious attachment? 

♡ Codependency. 

♡ Fears of Rejection.

♡ Fears of Abandonment.

♡ Overly Sensitive To Criticism.

♡ Issues With Jealousy. 

♡ Low Self-Esteem.

♡ Feeling Unworthy of Love. 

♡ Trust Issues.

What can trigger your anxious attachment?

♡ Arguments.

♡ Inconsistent Behavior From Others.

♡ When People You Are Close To Are Being Distant.

♡ Someone Important To You Forgets A Special Occasion

♡ Broken Trust.

How to go from anxiously attached to securely attached 

♡  Learn Breathing Techniques. Breathing can help ground you in moments of anxiety before reacting pause, focus, and breath. 

♡ Change Your Thinking. When a negative thought or idea pops up switch your brain to something positive (plans, shopping, and vacations)

♡ Learn to self-soothe. Learn to calm yourself down in a way that is relaxing maybe that is walking, breathing, yoga, or prayer.

♡ Reparenting Yourself. Healing your inner child is the most important part of shifting your anxious attachment to a secure attachment. Inner child journaling prompts, inner child books, and so many other forms of inner child healing. Talk to yourself the way you wished your parent would have talked to you. Pamper yourself the way you wish you had been when you were a child. Be your parent<3333

♡ Express Yourself. Instead of allowing all your emotions to build up express your feelings. I recommend journaling as a form of self-help. There are other ways like art, dance, and exercise.

♡ Surround Yourself With Secure Attachment. Build friendships/relationships with people who have a secure attachments you will be able to learn what a secure stable relationship is like. 

♡ Practice Being Vulnerable. To go from anxiously attached to securely attached try to be more vulnerable while also creating emotional safety for yourself. Learn to express your feelings, needs, dislikes, and desires. 

♡ Therapy. This is a must!!! Therapy is so beneficial when going through this journey having someone be there for you and guide you. I highly recommend BetterHelp! 

♡ Practice Mindfulness And Gratitude. Mindfulness is being present in the moment you can practice mindfulness by doing meditation, walking meditation, yoga, and gardening. Gratitude is the practice of being grateful for the things you have in your life and your body. Say thank you to your body, hug yourself, and nourish your body with nutritious foods. Be grateful for the little things in your life especially the things you take for granted like walking and your bed.

♡ Self Care. Take time for yourself to do things that make you feel relaxed and loved. That could be booking a spa treatment, painting, reading, and skincare. There a many other forms of self-care.

♡ Be Kind To Yourself. This is not an easy transition you have lived with this attachment style your entire life it will take some time to change it so be patient with yourself.Positive self talk is important affirm yourself and cancel out negative thoughts with positive ones.

Healing is a scary process in the beginning especially if you’re going from people-pleasing and being anxiously attached to people to building boundaries and standards. But you need to practice all of these skills and techniques so you can grow. 

[rrezshifts]

hii!! this is for the shoe ask game

i forgot to copy n paste what the descriptions were, my bad

👢, 🩰, and 👠

modern!marauders reality !! sirius black

it’s okay! no worries! thank you for sending in an ask, i appreciate it sm!! it’s nice to meet a new person through these games! and there’s no right or wrong way to send in asks 💗💕!!

👢 ⊹ ࣪ ˖ bratty boots : what's something they do that annoys you? is it on purpose? is it an unshakable habit? . . . annoyances are hard to come by with me and sirius, and even the rest of the marauders, because we’ve been friends and roommates for years now, and anytime something annoyed us with the way the others lived or acted, we talked about it and remedied it. i think one thing that is hard for sirius to stop doing and it annoys me a bit is when he just buys me stuff, if i express a even miniscule interest in an object it will be bought that day. which it gets to a point that i have to much stuff in my space in our dorm. or i have too much snacks that it could go to waste. but it never does (thank you boys). i appreciate it, but i’ve had to tell him to take it down a notch, but he doesn’t seem to understand how much of a notch he needs to take it down. he also does like to annoy me on purpose sometimes, to rile me up a bit. like hiding objects from me. but like in the closest hiding space and for like 30 seconds. or he also like to poke and prod at me, especially because i’m extremely ticklish. some of that stuff doesn’t annoy me all the time, and he’s gotten good at noticing my mood and whether or not he should push my buttons or not.

🩰 ⊹ ࣪ ˖ pov point shoes : what's others' perspective of your relationship? does anyone know you're together? is their view accurate? . . . perspectives vary that’s for sure. when me and sirius first started dating in our 7th year, everybody was ecstatic. sirius had been yearning after me for years and me and him both finally got a win by getting together. after the break up though some of my friends were very anti-sirius, some wanted me to be cautious when it came to the man, and those that knew more than what i told them were privately begging us to get back together. friends are friends, they want the best for you. they saw me get hurt and they wanted me to stay away from what hurt me. and the friends who also knew sirius and saw his pain, they wanted the best for the both of us, and they believed us being together again was that. after we get back together all of the anti-sirius friends will shut up, they will see that he wasn’t as bad as he seemed and are ultimately happy for me after the suspicion wears off.

👠 ⊹ ࣪ ˖ heavenly heals : what are the ways they make you feel loved? are there special compliments they have for you? any nicknames reserved for your ears only? . . . after the break up, even the way he loved me platonically changed. he would make it a point to listen more attentively, to stick up for me and speak out for me when needed, and even verbally affirm his appreciation for me as a friend. he was terrified that i would assume he didn’t like me anymore or that he no longer wanted the same friendship we had, or that he even wanted space. then when we started dating again he went crazy on all the love languages, to the point i had to warn him to calm down and take breaks before he burnt himself out on loving me. he had acquired the anxious attachment style through all we went through. so he would constantly affirm me, spend as much time with me as he could, constantly give me gifts, snacks and flowers, he would do things that i planned to do so he could make my life easier, and he would shower me with physical affection. like i said i had to talk with him about it. about how, while it was great, i didn’t want him to over do it to the point it burnt him out or even caused him to resent me. he listened, he brought it down a notch. giving gifts less frequently (but still too much), being less intense with his words of affirmation, and he was no longer glued to my side.

i’m the only one he compliments in french. i wouldn’t say he talks to many other people in french. but his french compliments are reserved for me. looking me in the eyes as he holds me and murmurs a french “beautiful” or “perfect”. though he still likes to compliment me in english when others are around. as if it’s the truth that shouldn’t be kept a secret, and that everyone should hear. the compliments go beyond appearance, of course. and he can get fixated on me as the compliments and their synonyms pour out until he’s fulfilled. a lot of the terms of endearment he has for me are in french. as are mine for him. it’s our special love language. within my friend groups my nickname is dior, but it’s used less frequently than my actual name, same with the other marauders nicknames (moony, padfoot, wormtail and prongs). but sirius enjoys calling me it, so i hear it most often from him in one week than the other boys.

© rrezshifts last updated. 02/27/2025

[sephrotting]

I may have just understood why I have an avoidant attachment. And it took me so LONG.

I’ve BEEN trying to figure it out for the longest time but somehow there’s nothing online that explains the psychology of it well???? Like nothing at all??????

Cut leads to me rambling abt what i know abt attachment styles

Secure attachment

I love you. If you leave me i will be reasonably sad for a while but i will move on. I’m not insecure and in fact can hold up pretty well.

Anxious attachment

I love you and i will crumble if you leave me.

Ill never feel quite sure that you’re going to stay, ive been rejected before and it HURT so i cant find security in you telling me youre staying for me.

Im insecure and subconsciously, ive been made to think that im not worth being in a relationship with.

so I’ll make sure that you still love me in very insecure (or sometimes controlling) ways. I feel everything so deeply and i just want to feel reassured.

Avoidant attachment

i love you and but i expect everyone who loves me to reject me and i am deeply insecure.

So ill turn off my feelings for you so it won’t hurt when you leave me. (Paradox is they will leave BECAUSE of this)

+ the more i love you the more i know its going to hurt once you leave. So usually i turn off my feelings when we are in a good place.

Often times i turn off my feelings in response to something without intending to and it confuses me. It takes me long to figure out how to reverse that.

Fearful avoidant attachment

I love you and we are in such a good place right now. But i’m incredibly insecure so im scared ill somehow mess up what we have by talking and being myself.

So i just avoid talking to you because everytime i do i have an anxiety spike bc of that very reason. I turn off my feelings less often than Dismissive.

Dismissive avoidant attachment

I love you and but I’ve been taught my love and i in general are something undesirable, weak, disgusting.

which shaped how I view love (the exact same).

I project that onto myself and everyone else. That’s why i get the ‘ick’ and why affection disgusts me.

Just like avoidant, i’m trying to protect a wound that’s still hurting. Except instead of just avoiding you, im also mean because any affection feels like you’re trying to invade the bubble of protection i created. And i want you to keep out. Because for me vulnerability genuinely makes me feel weak and scared and that i have no control over what happens next. Will you hurt me again? I can’t stop you after i put my walls down.

For all attachments, this is of course all happening in their subconscious thoughts. There are so many things they want to say at once and explain, but don’t understand it any better than you do.

(+ everything i see online about avoidant attachment are people complaining about their partners who have it, and not how to heal it. So that leaves me to figure this out on my own)

Dayum this made me realize they all have the same core fear/ insecurity:

“i’m not enough. Someone made me feel I’m not worth loving or being in a relationship with somehow someway.”

“I desperately need to prevent getting rejected or it will HURT. However i prevent it varies.”

Anyway i dont study psychology. It’s just what fascinates me in my free time. Anyway my blog is my house and i’m arranging the furniture however i want.