#how to heal anxious attachment style

[fashionably-forgetful]

Can Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Style Create Codependency

Yes, there is a strong connection between anxious-ambivalent (also known as anxious-preoccupied) attachment style and codependency. Anxious attachment style and codependency share some common characteristics and tendencies that can lead to codependent relationships. Here’s how they are related: Need for External Validation: Anxious-ambivalent individuals often seek constant validation,…

[florelia12]

So I’ve been thinking a lot about avoidant attachment styles since I’ve discovered I fall under that category like our beloved Helia hence an essay on his avoidant attachment style:

Its no secret that i love the comics and the Helia arc in The Trial comics. I think what I love about that comic is how florelia’s relationship is developed and depicted.

So, one of the characteristic of an avoidant is deciding to end a relationship without really communicating why. Helia did that to Flora after deciding that she deserved better than how he treated her, and that he wasn’t good enough for her or for red fountain. He decided for the both of them that this wasn’t going to work out because he’s not good enough. Flora didn’t get to have a say or to even confirm whether that was true because he just waltzed right out of there and cut contact.

So, he leaves and like decides to not contact anyone. After a few days of crying, Flora managed to contact him…He starts by saying that he doesn’t want to talk but she cuts him off and says I get it if you don’t want to be around me right now. “I accept that even if i don’t understand.”

When she offers her help to find him a place to stay, it was her offering the help without any strings. Which was why he took it (he was also kinda desperate). After he says yes, she even says okay thats it you can hang up if you want without forcing him to talk about whats wrong.

Then its Helia who speaks up and says hey this is kind of why im behaving this way. She senses an opening and tries asking if they can fix things. He’s not ready yet and so he says no, which she respects and hangs up the phone.

Flora then finds him once he’s settled down. Now, this could have been a manipulative move. Her taking advantage of the fact that he had no choice but to take up the rental room that she found for him so that she can force him out of his self-imposed exile and force a conversation.

However, when Helia tries to apologise because its the decent thing to do, Flora stops him and says he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to. She recognises his need for space right but also knows that he needs a friend right now. So, she offers exactly that and Helia accepts it.

This may seem contradictory since why is he accepting help when he’s an avoidant who’s hyper independent and wants to be able to meet his own needs. But, the reason people become avoidant is because at some crucial point in their life, their emotional needs weren’t met and the only way they could receive that was by seeking it out themselves, something that requires a lot of energy that unfortunately ends up with them not having any energy left to help meet someone else’s needs.

But, what Flora did was meet his needs while letting him know she didn’t expect anything in return. This takes a weight off his shoulders, and he feels secure enough with her promises to accept her help. Because right now, there is no expectation on him that he needs to meet which is the exact thing he ‘ran’ away (expectations he’s worried he can’t fulfil).

Then they’re okay for a while, and they can go on dealing with the matters at hand which is fixing up his apartment.

After a while, when things are going okay and he feels safe and secure. Helia opens up to her. They communicate. She understands.

Then comes the moment that didn’t really sit well with me at first but now I kind of understand.

At first I felt like why is she asking him about their relationship when he’s clearly going through hell about something else, isn’t that a little selfish when she said she’s okay if they don’t talk about it?

But, then I realised that Helia’s needs were met when Flora gave him the space he needed and accepted and understood him.

Right now…She’s asking for reassurance. She feels secure enough with him to ask for reassurance because she needs it right now.

This expectation, its a normal reaction. Its not her asking for something unreasonable. Even the way she phrases it is, do you want to end things? Is this what you need?

Not, oh lets get back together or why did you do that to me. Not blaming him for his actions. ( She even said she forgave him ). Not victimising herself.

Since Helia’s needs were met and he feels secure enough right now, he was able to meet her needs and so he offers her the reassurance she needed.

Which was this iconic moment…

I almost forgot the important part but when conflict strikes again…

Helia receives sus information about Flora and is struggling to figure out whether to believe it or not. Because he’s been tricked once, and now its happening again? Is he gullible? Is he the problem? He’s not good enough is he? A good specialist won’t fall for tricks so easily, right?

Flora senses the struggles and approaches, she’s panicky so she kind of starts seeking reassurance like what’s wrong? What’s going on? Talk to me!

This time he doesn’t walk away, he doesn’t avoid. He feels safe. He knows he can trust her because she’s proven that he is safe with her. He can trust his own instincts. Even if he was gullible, he made a mistake and trusted the wrong thing again, he knows he can communicate it with Flora because he feels safe enough to do it.

He reassures her that he trusts her. Then, they solve the problem. Together.

I just absolutely love this entire arc because its a realistic and somewhat healthy way of being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

I’ve been seeing alot about this avoidant/attachment style and majority of it just straight up villainises the avoidant. I even saw someone say that “anxious people are expected to accommodate avoidants but avoidants aren’t really expected to accommodate for the anxious partner.” Which will always be true in some cases but is not what the general avoidant or anxious attachment style actually needs.

Its not exactly space that the avoidant needs (thats the coping mechanism), its safety and security. Just like someone with an anxious attachment style. Seeking reassurance is their coping mechanism, the solution is the safety and security that is offered. Accommodating someone’s coping mechanism is never a long-term solution, only healing can give you the peace you need.

Now, i did use to think that Flora had an anxious attachment style but I think she’s more secure. Like she needs reassurance, she struggles with her insecurities. But, you don’t really see her actively seeking it out very often. She understands most of the time when people want to be left alone. While she might struggle to give herself the reassurance she needs, she understands when someone else can’t give it to her at that moment.

Is she avoidant, on the other hand…i might have to sit on that a little but I’d love to know if anyone has any thoughts on that:)

This whole thing is so hard to navigate but people can sure learn a thing or two from fictional characters.

[darksideofmythougts]

genuinely so tired of this shit.

[myimperfectlyperfectjourneyllc]

How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships: My Personal Story

I’m sure you already know that childhood traumas often ends up have long-lasting effects on our lives (including our friendships, romantic relationships, and how we connect/interact with colleague and and co-workers). Now, In this week’s blog post, I will share my personal experience with avoidant/dismissive attachment, and neglect/anxious attachment. Plus, I will also discuss how these traumas…

[foolishjellyfish]

UGH SO

THE GIRL THAT I HAVE CRUSH ON*

WILL BE BACK IN THE COUNTRY IN A MATTER OF DAYS

AND MY CURRENT FEELS ARE

PLZ DON’T MAKE ME SAD NAME REDACTED PLZ

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Enhypen as a Boyfriend

Okay, diving into how each member will be like as a boyfriend as of now, so I got more cards than I wanted, but hey, they like to talk lol and just felt like keeping it that way, so here we go. Looking at these cards right away, man, there is some intense energy here, here we go.

I will stress I keep it real, I take whatever messages come to me, it isn't always pretty. We are all flawed beings, no judgment here. I got to say this, because this one was intense, especially the eldest ones.

Heeseung (4 of Cups/The Devil/The Moon) Ugh, so I have been doing love readings for him for a while before posting and this boy gets the devil card a lot! So, it is back! *Sighs* Okay, so he may have a tendency to have attachment issues, can be possessive, and a jealous boyfriend. I can assume he has an anxious attachment style, just assuming. But then, on the flip side can distance himself and detach as well. He may have the tendency to numb his problems or emotions in relationships. I also get a strong addictive pattern with him in general, but not sure how that plays in relationships. He can be emotional and nurture the needs of his partner but can also bottle it down. Not getting a lot of great messages here. I mean these two cards don't give me someone with healthy, not boundaries popping up in my head, but wanting to say healthy relationships patterns. I can say he can be the type to tend and nurture the emotional needs of his partner. I want You to Need Me by Celine Dion is popping in my head. I got to listen to that song, because it may be significant to how he feels in relationships, interesting. Because I haven't heard or thought of that song in forever lol

Jay (The Hanged Man/Chiron) How I feel this boy doesn't want to deal with relationships right now, but that's another topic, but hey it is popping up here, so he may want to stress that. I don't know if he is really showing me the type of boyfriend he will be to be honest, more so that he has been hurt by love, like he has been ghosted and hurt by that, why am I getting this?! He's the type to wait for a person's call or message. Anyway, I can see him as a reflective boyfriend. The type that can work through the difficult periods in a relationship and try to work it out. He may be able to see the hurt he may have caused, sorry, that came to me. It is like the energy is giving me specific things here that may have happened to him. I tap into the energies at hand, so what I just got is, I know I am not the perfect boyfriend, but give me time to heal, wow, that is wild. Man, I had to sit with that a bit. I think I'll move on here.

Jake (Page of Swords/Sextile) So, had to laugh when the Page of Swords popped up, because well, not surprised, anyway. I always see this card as someone you may need to be cautious of, sorry. This can also show he is cautious communicating or speaking his truth in relationships. He may be hesitant to move forward. I also see him not having much knowledge regarding relationships, but a curiosity to learn. I don't see him sharing much as boyfriend. But he may want to learn about his partner. Relationships just don't seem easy to him and can be a mental challenge for him. With that sextile energy, there will be ups and down, high and lows, but this energy always leads to good outcomes. This kind of gives me he enjoys intensity in relationships, like the tension brings spark, so yeah, tried not to go too much into that, if you get it you do, but if you don't, sorry.

Sunghoon (Ace of Wands/5 of Swords/House 6) What is this!? Oh no, so this is where you are taking me...Okay, he may like to start fights or he just starts it, because of the passion he has. I think it is more his passion leads to fight, but I am not sure what that means tbh. I don't see him as wanting to start fights, because he seems to hate arguments from his energy. I wish you can understand the mental battle I am having to explain this. Okay, it is like he does off the cuff things without thinking that leads to fights. I will also say that card is a sexual card, so he might act on his impulses or be accused of it, just saying, I write how I feel. As a boyfriend he might miss details and not understand things that lead to fights. With that House 6 card, the one message says practical details, it is like he misses certain details in relationships that causes problems. This is so weird and a bit specific than I wanted, anyway. I can say he is very passionate, but it can run out quickly with the card being an ace. It is like he runs hot and then cold. This was all over the place honestly. I don't know what I picked up on here.

Sunoo (Page of Wands/Air) Okay, this one is on the lighter side, thank god. He is fun and airy is what I got. He is curious, playful and adventurous. He can have a tendency to be immature with this page energy. He is also very open-minded, willing to adapt and learn from his partner. He loves the exchange of ideas as well. I can see him liking a bit of banter. Honestly, he is just here to have a good time. Once again, not getting he wants things to be too serious and deep. That was short and sweet lol

Jungwon (8 of Swords/Fixed) He can be pretty stubborn and stuck in his ways as a boyfriend. I am getting fixed mindset. I will say he is loyal, dependable and reliable as a boyfriend. He will be there when needed and support his partner as a boyfriend. He is consistent and stays the course, what that means, who knows. There could be an inability to act on his desires, what I mean if he is interested in someone, he may not do anything about it is what I am getting. He kind of gets stuck in his head about what to do and how to go about it. He may have fears about relationships in general. Another quick and to the point one. I don't see him being a complicated boyfriend honestly, he may just struggle to act as one. Also, his lack of experience may be the reason it isn't as complicated as the hyung line lol

Ni-Ki (2 of Pentacles/Libra/Uranus) I kind of like this energy. I see him not being into conventional relationships, break the status quo mindset. I mean whatever the status quo is in Japan, he may veer of that. Also, he likes freedom and is open minded to try new things. With the Libra and 2 of Pentacles, he definitely likes it to be fair and balanced. He wants harmony. He would want consideration on both sides as a boyfriend. He is also someone who will not put all his energy in relationships. He got other things to do is what I hear. He will fit you in when he can lol I am not sure that is how you go about it, but that is Venus in Cap energy. I am not seeing him be too emotionally invested here. He may be that way at times, but that won't be an everyday occurrence. I am hearing a practical bond. He wants something practical and sustaining.

Okay, that was crazy. I am not sure why these energies get so heavy and specific, but I am here for the ride, interesting stuff though. I will stress don't take anything here is fact. I just go with what I get, takes what resonates, leave what doesn't. I don't really like putting them in a bad light, but at the end of the day I keep it real. If the message comes through, I take it. I am just a girl with cards here lol Also Hyung line got some work to do, but we all do on our healing journey of life.

[aro-culture-is]

aro culture is wondering whether you're romance-repulsed or just scared of commitment

tbh, i think scared of commitment is one of the least useful phrases i know in the english language. at least skibidi toilet brings joy to the Youth. like, fear of commitment meaning... what? i swear it's like, what if we demonize people for their anxiety, and then don't acknowledge that except to blame them for self-sabotage that they don't want to do either?

idk ig, but... look, if the question is "am i repulsed by romance or scared of commitment," i do have a few questions about how tf those are related. does hearing about romantic actions repulse you? you don't have to identify with those styles of labels also - I don't, I find them restrictive and unhelpful. another system member does. it's whatever.

anyways, i think that when ppl talk about fear of commitment, they really need to learn about attachment theory, and anxious-avoidant personalities. this is not like love languages/MBTI/Enneagram/etc pseudo-scientific stuff, this is like, considered psychologically validated via studies. it's not a permanent thing per se, but it's useful to address how you approach relationships, safety, and such.

a few links to get you started:

wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

the attachment project (good rundown, has a quiz, slightly different groupings, but a little more... money grabby): https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-theory/

this website is one i'd be cautious of and fact check, but the 'how to heal' section has decent recommendations: https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html

[exsanguidus]

Controversial opinion; I think Ascended Astarion is the true Astarion. In DnD lore, vampirism amplifies a person's traits for whoever they are at the time they become a true vampire. A Paladin wanting to save people will end up ruling a city with an iron fist to keep people safe. A mage wanting to heal those they love will hurt everyone else to heal them. Astarion was on a journey with Tav - one from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy. I think Ascended Astarion is cannon Astarion. He will always be a vampire, and vampires in DnD are always the amplification of a true self. Without ascention, he is still malleable - but I don't think its what he wants. He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is.

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer:

I work in the mental health field professionally and majored in Social & Behavioral Science, which is partly why I felt drawn to Astarion as a sort of case study. Characters rooted in trauma are interesting to me and I enjoy picking them apart to judge how real it feels. I utilize my educational and professional background to essentially guide how I write Astarion on this account.

That said, despite me being a professional in the field, all of what I have to say is my personal opinion and interpretation of Astarion's character based on how I interpret the material Larian gave us and the material that can be found in DND lore. Even in real life, things have variation and not all mental health struggles (getting over trauma is part of mental health) present the exact same way. There are theories that exist to try and explain some trends in mental health studies, psychology, and sociology, but again they're called theories for a reason.

Now, my response to this question will be under the cut and will include spoilers.

I know what lore in particular you're referencing, anon, because I've been going back to it a lot ever since I opened this account.

Astarion very much has an insecure attachment style born from his abuse at Cazador's hands. Specifically, an anxious-avoidant attachment type that leans more towards avoidant when he's first met and then begins to swing more towards anxious as he begins to get closer to Tav and the other companions.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues. Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them (Mark Manson, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships).

Typically, most studies of Attachment Theory focus on the relationship of parents-children or romantic partners, but it can also be applied to any significant relationship someone has in their lifetime. Attachment styles thus are capable of changing based on new relationship experiences.

If you end up giving him the "good" ending where he denies the Ascension, it's implied in his final dialogue that he's actively working towards having a secure attachment type due to the influences of his fellow worm-afflicted associates - particularly Tav.

I think that it's important to also note that, even if Tav doesn't romantically connect with Astarion, he shows hints of desperately wanting someone to care for him, support him, and love him. He does want to know what sex would be like as something other than a tool, and especially what it would be like to actually want to have it just for the pure sake of enjoying having it.

You have to understand that Astarion doesn't even understand the concept of casual sex or friends with benefits. All those times he had to seduce people for Cazador was not casual sex or a friends with benefits situation. All of them were transactions with a means to an end. He got nothing out of seducing those victims besides the possibility of not incurring Cazador's wrath that night - but even then, there was still a possibility because Cazador was an abuser.

Abusers are incapable of providing genuine safety, but can manipulate their victims into believing an illusion of safety. Often times, they manipulate their victims into this by using phrases like "you made me do this by being disobedient", "it wouldn't come to this if you just did what you were told", and then weaponizing basic needs such as shelter, food, and social interaction. The bare minimum becomes something the victim is expected to be grateful for and viewed as a favor, which means anything beyond the bare minimum is expected to be viewed as a theatrical showing of care and love.

In game, Tav has the chance to hear Astarion tell the story of how Cazador turned him. He basically states that he got attacked by a mob due to a ruling he handed down when he was magistrate and then Cazador saved him and offered him immortality. It can be inferred that in his pre-vampiric days, Astarion had no idea that Cazador was abusive to his spawn.

This is likely because it seems that Cazador is careful about his public image. He doesn't allow his spawn to drink from humans, very likely not just as a means to further oppress them and dampen their potential power they could get from drinking people's blood, but also as a way to ensure there's not just a bunch of people out in the city being bitten and left alive to tell the story - or left dead on the street suspiciously.

He has his spawn seduce and lure people, particularly lower class people that would be harder for general society to realize is missing or just that he knows people who could actually challenge him wouldn't care for (you learn that reading some of the books and notes in Szarr Palace). The only exception to this is the kidnapping of Gur children, but even then it seems to fit his MO as it seems Gur are considered somewhat outcasts from the rest of Baldurian society due to their cultural differences.

It should also be noted that he himself doesn't do these seductions or kidnappings. He specifically chooses spawn to be his lackeys and that's likely so, if shit hits the fan and the spawn gets caught, he has deniability since he wasn't there. It's methodical and thought out to keep as many eyes away from him so he can still obtain what he wants and keep sailing under the radar.

Cazador is this methodical and purposeful as a result of his own trauma, which we learn about from the skull of his master in the dungeon of Szaar Palace. There's one interaction in particular with the skull in which Tav can learn that, at one point, Cazador attempted to rebel and usurp his master. Cazador failed and his master punished him via impalement. Not because Cazador had the audacity to try and usurp him, but because Cazador tried and failed. Cazador's master punished Cazador via torture because his master was disgusted by the fact that his spawn was too weak to succeed in such a plot.

Which brings me to my next point... it's not uncommon for victims of abuse to later become abusers. Hence the term Cycle of Abuse exists. Many abusers who were once victims often have the mentality of either "I'm not nearly as bad as my abuser was, they should be grateful I care enough to not be so bad" or "I survived and it made me tougher, they need to suck it up and let it help them build character" or both. They often fail to view their abuse as abuse and fail to recognize how their experience as abuse victims contributes into making them toxic and abusive to others.

There's many peer-reviewed scholarly articles you can find about the cycle of abuse, but one I particularly find useful is Editorial: Dissociation, and cycles of abuse across generations by David P.H. Jones. It talks specifically about parents and children, but I believe some of the general points made can be applied to Cazador and his spawn, as he crafts a very family-like setting that can be seen in the way that his spawn refer to one another as brothers and sisters.

This would thus make him the father figure, a role exponentially made important by the fact he denies his spawn education on things that could serve to give them ideas or the ability to leave him (for example, Astarion mentions that none of the spawn were permitted to learn about the language of the various symbols around the palace) and he consistently chooses his Golden Children (Favored Spawns) as a means of providing more false security. Do what he says, when he says, exactly how he says and don't complain then you will have benefits. You will be Favored, and to have his favor is the highest honor you could achieve.

Torture is clearly presented as Cazador's primary go-to for discipline. Research has also concluded that trauma has a way of affecting the brain and memories.

Trauma can prevent information (like words, images, sounds, etc.) from different parts of the brain from combining to make a semantic memory. The temporal lobe and inferior parietal cortex collect information from different brain areas to create semantic memory (The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine).

Astarion mentions a few times in-game that he can barely remember his life before Cazador, if at all, and a huge part of that is likely because of all the trauma Cazador inflicted upon him that exacerbated the natural occurrence of memory loss from aging (if vampires experience natural memory loss from aging, that is). This is most likely true for all of Cazador's spawn.

I say all this as a set up to truly answering you, anon, specifically where you say: "from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy."

I can argue that Astarion did not feel free up until after a decision to Ascend or not was made. And I argue that stance due to some dialogue he can have with Tav here he basically states that the power Ascension could guarantee that no one, even someone after Cazador is dead, could ever come in to oppress and hurt him again. Even with Cazador dead, he has such an intense fear of being enslaved and used that he turns to catastrophic thoughts as justification to why he needs to Ascend.

Catastrophic thinking is a cognitive distortion that occurs when people have a hard time weighing the likelihood of certain outcomes and believe that terrible or catastrophic outcomes—which are highly unlikely—become, in one’s mind, salient and extremely likely. (Tom Zaubler, MD, MPH).

Aside from the Gur, whom Astarion can manage to evade and even kill perfectly fine as just a spawn, we're not presented with any hints of another big bad in the vampire world that could possibly want Astarion. As such, there's not really any tangible threat, but rather a perceived threat that he believes is destined to darken his doorstep at any time.

His catastrophic thinking is a trauma response. His belief that he needs to be the most powerful being in the room as a way to be truly free is a trauma response. Cazador broke him down emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually to make him believe that he was weak and trapped. Furthermore, that he remained trapped because he was too weak to do anything about it.

You see how this goes full circle into how Cazador's master punished Cazador for not being able to successfully usurp him? It places blame on the victim, allowing shame and helplessness to root that the abuser can manipulate. We know that Astarion definitely feels shame because he tells Tav that. For most of his dialogue until the boss fight, he's constantly bringing up that he did what Cazador wanted and acted obedient because he had no choice.

This is true, he had to act in self-preservation to survive and unfortunately that meant he had to be subservient. A few dialogue choices you can have your Tav pick can challenge Astarion and say he could have still tried, to which he'll rightfully tell Tav that Tav has no right to judge him for the choices he made to survive.

When Astarion encounters Sebastian in the dungeon, its made pretty obvious how much guilt and shame he truly feels. Furthermore, that for all Astarion's protesting and exclaiming that no one has the right to judge him, a part of him did believe that he didn't do enough to try and escape enslavement. A part of himself blamed himself and believed he allowed himself to be abused when, in reality, he was put in a horrible situation with very limited options. He did the best he could in the moment, with what information he had in those moments.

I also want to argue that who Astarion is when we meet him isn't his true self. It's who he had to become in order to survive Cazador. Astarion doesn't even know who his true self is because he didn't have the opportunity to explore his own likes and preferences. Cazador molded all of his spawn because he had a specific purpose for them.

Not only that, but since Cazador would have to more directly deal with these spawn since he used them as lackies, he also would have molded them to behave in ways to his preference so that he wouldn't find their presence unbearable and feel inclined to murder them out of annoyance. This is also where the Favored Spawn being separated and set on a pedestal comes into play. Those who could please him and play to his wants and needs had better benefits. If all of the spawn are acting in self-preservation, they would want to be favored and thus would want to adapt themselves to things Cazador liked and approved of.

This would mean learning to be cruel to those less fortunate and not doing anything as charity. This is the reason why Astarion approves of some questionable decisions Tav can make. Astarion learned his ideals and morality from Cazador because he had to so he could know how to please Cazador and stay in his master's good graces. After a while, even if you started off disagreeing, forcing yourself to act a certain way can become a habit that sticks with you. You convince yourself to enjoy it too so it's easier to swallow.

Astarion craves power because he knows that power is the quickest, easiest, and - what he believes - most effective way to prevent him from having to use that method ever again. It's logical to want power to solve that.

You said in your ask: "He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is."

In the most literal of terms, yes, Ascension gives him all of those. However, since the basis of him believing he needs power to be free is rooted in fear, that's not actually really freedom. That is still his fear ruling over him.

There's a stark difference in what someone wants versus what they need. He wants power, to be seen, to be loved, and to be free. What he actually needs is security, stability, support, consistency, empathy, and autonomy. The things he wants is what he believes will solve the empty cups of what he needs, and he believes that because the only example he had on how to act to get what you want - until the events of the game - was Cazador. He literally had no other example of how to get your needs met except through selfishness, cruelty, force, manipulation, and abuse.

Again, I reiterate. The Astarion we first meet is not Astarion's true nature. Astarion's true nature was corrupted by his abuse from Cazador and the subsequent trauma that followed. If it had been his true nature, he would have happily been Cazador's subject because their true natures would have been in alignment.

It only becomes his true nature if he allows that trauma to define him and decides that he needs to embrace it rather than fight it. That is then what gets amplified because that fear that roots those wants becomes amplified.

Honestly, it's impossible to say what would be canon for Astarion because there's too many factors.

Studies have shown that having more supportive and positive influences, even if its later in life after leaving the abuser, tends to work in favor of the victim breaking the cycle of abuse. As such, I think that if you make a Tav who's core values are autonomy, consent, second chances, and redemption and somehow manage to get high enough approval that he'd even consider caring what they think; then its more likely that Astarion would reject Ascension due to observing how much softer, kinder, patient, and merciful Tav is.

But if its a Tav that has no interest in getting to know him beyond the surface or Tav doesn't exist at all, I honestly think he would end up going through with Ascension. Mostly because, to me, it seems like he didn't really bother to have more than surface level interactions with the other companions and the other companions really only ended up getting to know him better as a result to Tav managing to get past his masking. He does not lower his mask on his own accord, only after certain things are done and said by Tav.

Unfortunately, I just don't really think any of the other companions you can pick up in-game would really be able to provide support and determined consistency in the same way that players can make Tav. Hence I don't think he'd end up caring enough about any of them to ever start to think that perhaps freedom can be defined differently than the way he initially believes, and would view Ascension as the only right way to get his needs fulfilled.

[drdemonprince]

I saw your tags about attachment theory bs and was wondering if you would be interested in expanding on why attachment theory is regressive?

I have written about the problems with attachment theory (as it is usually applied) in Unmasking Autism, and there's some more about this in Unlearning Shame, as well as this article:

The short version: any treatment of attachment patterns as static "types" rather than varying based on person's situation and the dynamics of each specific relationship is going to miss a lot, and may in practice amount to blaming the victim, so to speak, for accurately noticing that something in a given relationship is wrong. If you're anxiously attached in your romantic relationship, that might be you accurately noticing that your partner has been unreliable and inconsistent. If at the same time you are in an avoidant pattern with your parents, it might be because you've accurately gauged that they are emotionally surveilling, controlling, and stifling. Every relationship dynamic is different and can have its own attachment pattern. Often our attachment behaviors are rational and rooted in the truth of the relationship, not infantile baggage we absorbed years ago that is making us irrational

The way attachment style is measured leaves neurodivergent people out -- it's nearly impossible for an Autistic person to qualify as secure based on conventional measures.

Furthermore, the conception of what the two primary insecure attachment types (anxious and avoidant) look like are just regurgitated gender stereotypes -- read through the list of anxious and avoidant traits and how most psychologists write about them and you'll see it's very women are from venus men are from mars type bullshit.

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

Maybe You Have A Anxious Attachment…

Hey, babesss I recently realized I had an anxious attachment and it was starting to affect certain parts of my life specifically my friendships. I had a lot of friendships I was clinging on to because of my anxious attachment I was giving more of myself in these friendships and not receiving anything in return while people pleasing. All of this triggered from my anxious attachment and I wanted to share the things I’ve learned that could help you if you have an anxious attachment.

What is an attachment style? 

♡ An attachment style is a kind of bond we form with others. We develop these kinds of bonds at a young age from the interactions we have with our parents/guardians. These attachment styles follow us into our adulthood.

♡ There are four attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment.

♡ Secure Attachment: You feel secure in your own space and can be open and supportive towards others.

♡ Anxious Attachment: You do not trust other feelings towards you and need constant reassurance.

♡ Avoidant Attachment: You have trouble opening up and showing your emotions.

♡ Disorganized Attachment: you do not trust. You either push people away or have an unhealthy need for closeness. 

Where does your anxious attachment come from?

♡ This attachment style is formed when a child learns that they cannot depend on their parent/guardian to meet their comfort needs.

♡ This is a result of inconsistent or distant parenting.

♡ Most people with anxious attachments had parents/guardians who were easily overwhelmed, switched between being attentive to pushing away, and made the child feel responsible for their feelings.

Signs you have an anxious attachment? 

♡ Codependency. 

♡ Fears of Rejection.

♡ Fears of Abandonment.

♡ Overly Sensitive To Criticism.

♡ Issues With Jealousy. 

♡ Low Self-Esteem.

♡ Feeling Unworthy of Love. 

♡ Trust Issues.

What can trigger your anxious attachment?

♡ Arguments.

♡ Inconsistent Behavior From Others.

♡ When People You Are Close To Are Being Distant.

♡ Someone Important To You Forgets A Special Occasion

♡ Broken Trust.

How to go from anxiously attached to securely attached 

♡  Learn Breathing Techniques. Breathing can help ground you in moments of anxiety before reacting pause, focus, and breath. 

♡ Change Your Thinking. When a negative thought or idea pops up switch your brain to something positive (plans, shopping, and vacations)

♡ Learn to self-soothe. Learn to calm yourself down in a way that is relaxing maybe that is walking, breathing, yoga, or prayer.

♡ Reparenting Yourself. Healing your inner child is the most important part of shifting your anxious attachment to a secure attachment. Inner child journaling prompts, inner child books, and so many other forms of inner child healing. Talk to yourself the way you wished your parent would have talked to you. Pamper yourself the way you wish you had been when you were a child. Be your parent<3333

♡ Express Yourself. Instead of allowing all your emotions to build up express your feelings. I recommend journaling as a form of self-help. There are other ways like art, dance, and exercise.

♡ Surround Yourself With Secure Attachment. Build friendships/relationships with people who have a secure attachments you will be able to learn what a secure stable relationship is like. 

♡ Practice Being Vulnerable. To go from anxiously attached to securely attached try to be more vulnerable while also creating emotional safety for yourself. Learn to express your feelings, needs, dislikes, and desires. 

♡ Therapy. This is a must!!! Therapy is so beneficial when going through this journey having someone be there for you and guide you. I highly recommend BetterHelp! 

♡ Practice Mindfulness And Gratitude. Mindfulness is being present in the moment you can practice mindfulness by doing meditation, walking meditation, yoga, and gardening. Gratitude is the practice of being grateful for the things you have in your life and your body. Say thank you to your body, hug yourself, and nourish your body with nutritious foods. Be grateful for the little things in your life especially the things you take for granted like walking and your bed.

♡ Self Care. Take time for yourself to do things that make you feel relaxed and loved. That could be booking a spa treatment, painting, reading, and skincare. There a many other forms of self-care.

♡ Be Kind To Yourself. This is not an easy transition you have lived with this attachment style your entire life it will take some time to change it so be patient with yourself.Positive self talk is important affirm yourself and cancel out negative thoughts with positive ones.

Healing is a scary process in the beginning especially if you’re going from people-pleasing and being anxiously attached to people to building boundaries and standards. But you need to practice all of these skills and techniques so you can grow. 

[fashionably-forgetful]

Your Anxious Attachment Style Questions Answered

Can a narcissist have an anxious attachment style? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Am I an anxious attachment style type of person?” Not to fret, you’ve come to the right spot to find out. It is possible for a narcissist to have an anxious attachment style, although it’s important to understand that narcissism and attachment styles are separate psychological constructs. Attachment styles…

[theeternalwombtarot]

Healing attachment styles:

When you have an attatchment style like anxious especially or even detatched/avoidant, or even disorganized you may fall into karmic cycles and habits that pull you to love someone wholeheartedly (or in some cases be infatuated with someone,obsessive, or attatched) who you know on a subconscious level isn’t going to fulfill your needs or isn’t able or capable of giving you what you need out of a relationship. You may desire true love, you may desire deep connections, true intimacy, passion, safety, etc. and all of these wonderful things BUT the love and attention you’re used to receiving (even on a fundamental level because attatchment styles are developed early) isn’t what is going to meet your needs. And your idea of what love or what it means or be valued or desired is skewed or warped. So, now when you’re presented with a healthy individual who is capable of caring for you and capable of giving you what you need, you may run from that person or find yourself uninterested or unable to connect with them. But, you are familiar with unhealthy relationships and behavioral patterns and so when presented with those, you find yourself easily attached or feeling some semblance of safety or belonging in those connections.

Start potentially thinking about what types of things you want or desire in your relationships. Don’t pass judgment on yourself or on these things just yet, just reflect. Be honest with yourself. Think about your ideas about what it means to love and be loved as well.

Try to identify what type of attachment style you may have. Look into the attachment styles, think about your parents and the way they handled you as a child or in your youth, etc.

Start thinking about what types of things trigger you or make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in your relationships. (People canceling last minute plans, being left alone, when you start to become close with someone, etc.)

Ask yourself why these triggers may exist. There’s always a root cause of something you’re feeling however small it may seem on the surface. (Example: you may have a tendency to withdraw when things become serious or when you feel close to someone or when things are going well within a connection. This reflects a fear of deeper commitment or deeper vulnerability and connection. If you are open and receptive, your person may abandon you, may hurt your feelings or may decide to leave you and you don’t feel prepared to deal with or feel the emotional consequences of a situation like that.)

Learn how to be reflective and how to identify the way you feel. Easier said than done for most. But it helps to begin this journey with yourself first, you can practice journaling or sitting with yourself to reflect on how you feel and identify how you feel. If you don’t know how you feel right away when a situation arises, that’s okay, give yourself a moment to come to a conclusion and reflect. (Maybe you feel embarrassed, maybe you feel shameful, maybe you feel guilty, angry, sad, etc.) when you find out how you feel, you can begin to ask yourself why.

You can begin to learn how to communicate with others now. This part is difficult too. You may have to overcome a fear of vulnerability, a fear of rejection, a fear of being misunderstood, a fear of burdening others with your emotions/needs. When given a situation where you feel some kind of way in a connection whether it be platonic or romantic, you can take small steps by learning how to set boundaries, by making sure you tell people what you dislike or what you may feel hurt your feelings or made you feel uncomfortable about their behavior (AFTER you reflect on how you feel, during this process, it’s important you learn to be proactive instead of reactive.) in order to communicate effectively, you must see yourself clearly first.

Healing an attachment style is a big feat, it’s not an easy task, there will be moments where you’ll have to identify if you’re triggered or if someone has intentionally caused you harm or has mistreated you, you’re going to have to be able to communicate through that and be able to self reflect and be still for a while whilst you ground your energy and come to terms with your feelings.

There will absolutely be moments where you may make the mistake of accepting bad things or you may fall into karmic cycles or be tempted by people and things and you’ll need to think about what you deserve vs what you feel pulled to from a wounded aspect of yourself.

There will be moments where significant others in your life like partners and especially parents are people you’re going to have to hold accountable or take off of a pedestal and see honestly.

***

The emotion wheel:

Attachment style chart:

[stateswscarlet]

it’s literally such an eye-opening moment when you realize how awful your self concept was 💀 like yeah no wonder i spent my whole life isolating myself, i thought i was ugly and fat and never good enough like no shit i was miserable 😭

no literally my self concept is prob my biggest success like its so refreshing looking back and realizing how guy obsessed i was 😭 i could NEVER be stressed over a man now nor give a fuck about them texting me like if youre not into me, youre not into me and thats 100% fine! I also healed my anxious attachment style and its soooo much better and stress free!

[miaurri]

AND IF I SAY CASUAL BY CHAPPELL ROAN WOULD BE CHESHIRES ANTHEM FOR THE POPROCKS SITUATIONSHIP AU THIN—

what do you think their situationship would be like? would it be that messy? 😭

like a detached “we’re just casual idrc” thing or something more possessive like “we’re not official or exclusive but also you’re mine.”, OR MAYBE A MUCH MORE SOUL CRUSHING SECRET THIRD OPTION?

WALK WITH ME HERE ITS PROBABLY THE SECRET THRID OPTION OF “I want you to myself and I don’t wanna see you explore other options but I also wanna have my old situationship back too so idk who to screw first” KJZAKKSOAAI

Ermmm my idea is that 🤓☝️ Mizu was a lot worse at communication back then and had that avoidant attachment style which didn’t mix well with Kayo’s anxious attachment so they broke it off but Kayo would lowkey try “rekindling” that spark the more Cheshire got all 3 of them to hang out more

Kayo like Cheshire, but in a way where you’d like a dog. Cute, fluffy, easy to please and just over all very happy but since she’s so use to the bitter silence between Mizu and her she lowkey falls back into old habits

Not that Kayo doesn’t at least obviously have feelings for Cheshire she obviously do 😭😭😭😭 Cheshire made her felt so loved and seen compared to how her and Mizu were years ago but she literally has no clue what to do with it she just goes “Omg she actually shows that she wants me and values me….wtf is this 🧍‍♀️” KNXOSJSKSMS

TLDR: Kayo needs to see a therapist and make amends with Mizu before finally being able to heal and start officially dating Cheshire

I fear this is very much Kayo trying to get all mushy again with Mizu while she’s taking a smoke break or whatever (probably takes place when Cheshire is out somewhere and Kayo drops by to their dorm ismosjownsonso)

[hanasnx]

as someone with an anxious attachment style iwmfly is actually so healing because it reflects finding the love in the little unspoken things and that sometimes love is about hearing how someone is trying to say i love you to you instead of listening for it in your own language <3

hi anon this was very sweet. it actually brought a little tear to my eye to read it and think of how you interpreted a piece i wrote so vulnerably. the contents of the drabble come from a personal experience seen through the lens of fiction and fantasy. those that understand it, say they were moved, and those that don’t, try to change it. i’m very happy you enjoyed it, and that you could see it for what it was

[torialefay]

*clears throat* I have a theory that Chris has an anxious attachment style, plus he left his friends and family in Australia and moved to what is effectively a foreign country at like 12 and spent his formative years in a high-stress environment and he himself has talked about his struggles during that time. Plus he debuted at like 19 or 20 and since then he's been living this lifestyle that is so far removed from a normal life that it wouldn't surprise me if he's never been in a relationship or even been intimate with anyone and aside from the skz members, it's probably hard to keep close friendships, especially with people outside that sort of lifestyle who might keep him grounded. He's always fostered this two-sided parasocial relationship with his fans bc 1. He seems like a very communicative person and an extrovert and 2. We (fans) are probably the closest to regular people he is surrounded by. I don't think he fully realised how far it would go, how much fame he would end up reaching and just how many people would eat up his every word, and how gullible an immature a lot of those people would be.

Part of it seems to be a joke to him and us older stays do realise it, but a lot of stays just don't (and tbf, some are older than me and still being very delulu). Not to mention the bigger picture, like the whole loneliness epidemic is very real and a lot of us millennials and gen z end up forming parasocial relationships with artists or influencers, and this includes the artists themselves who are feeling the same things we all are.

Now that he's older and skz have reached a level of fame he potentially never even thought possible, he's beginning to realise that he might have created an environment where fans take things too far and he's trying to set boundaries while also not alienating his fans, particularly the ones who are "normal" about him and that's a tough line to walk. He always seems happy to talk to stays who just have normal conversations bc he probably does crave some connection to people outside the industry and he seems to genuinely like his fans, but he's also probably tired of people treating him like a therapist, trauma dumping, trying to get him to fix issues he just can't do anything about or full on hitting on him beyond a bit of silly flirting (which he also seems to enjoy).

With all that said, I do hope the new contract gives him and skz more breaks, more protection from stalking, more protection from creepy fan interactions and more freedom to set boundaries.

i don't want to speculate or necessarily diagnose people with anything, but i could definitely see chan having an anxious attachment style. which is really sad to think about. but it makes a lot of sense, and i completely agree with the things that you said. his formative years were in an environment where love came from you performing well or doing the things that were expected from you. there was no coddling (which i don't mean in a derogatory way) and no real expression of someone loving him regardless of if he did well or not. i don't know if he's ever experienced unconditional love, which makes my heart break for him.

i hope he can get to the point where he is healing from that and i really hope that the members show him unconditional love to try and heal his lil heart 😭 maybe this is the start of it? idk i guess time will tell. he's a grown ass man, but still wanna make sure he's doing okay :(