#how to avoid internalizing negativity

[blackgirlslivingwell]

How To Shield Your Self-Esteem & Combat Internalized Negativity As A Black Woman

In today's brief self-empowerment video we're talking about how to avoid internalizing negativity.

[trainerethan]

In my imagination of red and leaf being twins and both autistic I think the only reason leaf doesn't have the same totally blank 😐 face as red is because she did the age old classic of practicing facial expressions in the mirror every day until she learned the basic ones. She also made her default expression a smile 🙂 to seem more approachable.

Unfortunately since the expressions don't come naturally to her and she had to learn them, the can come off as exaggerated/overly dramatic. Which is fine for some people but others find it equally as off-putting as reds poker face. It makes her a little sad when people dislike her because of it bc shes doing her best to fit in but can't seem to get it right.

She puts a lot of effort into masking at least when she's a kid-teenager but once she's older and has made more solid friendships she can let herself relax and not need to stress about it so much, although in social situations she may still slip back into old habits.

Red does not mask and never really has. I choose 2 believe his mom was really supportive and accommodating so he wasn't forced to hide his autistic traits unlike leaf. This is because in my au they are twins but their parents split and leaf had to stay with their dad. Who is not as understanding as their mom.

Idk if he'd be actually horrible to her but he was not as patient or understanding as their mom + leaf also just craved more friends and wanted to be able to socialize more so she eventually learned how. Red is content with the 4 people he knows (mom, oak, daisy, green) and prefered to mostly be alone so he didn't have that motivating factor to do it.

He was very content with having one friend, green, but he was def lonley during their "rival" phase when green stopped hanging out with him and was focused on trying to prove himself in some way only he understood or worried about. Along with that is green also being the master of masking for the most part. I don't see oak as being particularly accommodating and patient with him so while Daisy probably was, she's also not a parent so she couldn't be responsible for caring for green the way oak should've been.

As they got older green also craved to be seen as cool and popular amongst his peers so he started masking heavily and also distanced himself from red. Unfortunately he realizes that being accepted for a fake version of himself by mainly strangers is actually very lonley and he misses their friendship 😢 but atp he probably figures red wouldn't wanna be friends again bc of how green ignored him for so long so I think they don't become close again until After the gym challenge "rivalry"/red dissapearing/reuniting years later. So they were both missing each other a lot but both felt unable to reach out bc of the distance that grew between them when green pulled away. Anyways tldr green pro masker leaf trying very hard to mask but struggling a bit and red rawdogging his autism never masked a day in his life.

[cathodic-clairvoyant]

There's a lot about discussion of hdwr that baffles me (not all discussion to be clear, because i do think there's a lot of good discussion about hdwr. But equally so are there the ones that make you wonder if you're reading the same story) and I think one that is especially annoying is the constant infantilization of miwa as this passive eternal victim. It drives me up a wall because this is quite literally an issue she's struggled with within the text of the story! She had an arc about how she dislikes how people treat her this way like towards the beginning of the story! And like even ignoring that, this story is about like nuanced and realistic portrayals of being in relationships and learning how to navigate them and so it's like what's the point if you're going to immediately reduce the characters to "the victim" and "the victimizers?" Is that even interesting? Is that a useful lens to look at interpersonal relationships?

[joinmeintheweeds]

Benson/Randy is the toxic cluster b/cluster c dynamic personified

[medicinemane]

Anyway, hope you're all doing well

I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing

In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man

It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats

It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way

Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing

I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step

So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time

I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd

You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true

I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct

Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?

Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward

Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive

It's a Beautiful World

[icemankazansky]

A Simple Guide to Not Being Afraid to Write Comments to Fic You Read

I've seen a lot of posts about the current state of fanfiction comments. Writers, especially writers who have been in fandom for a decade or more, are frustrated by the lack of comments, and have noticed a definite decline in comments (and all other forms of reader interaction) in the past ten years or so. Many readers feel daunted by the expectation of leaving comments, afraid they'll do something wrong. As a fandom old maid, the latter confused me for a while, until I realized that most of the people who feel that way probably have not been taught this form of communication.

But your loving fandom elders are here for you. Come along as your auntie tumblr user icemankazansky makes this shit easy.

The easiest way to think of fanfiction comment etiquette is to compare it to something you likely already know: Gift Receiving Etiquette.

Fanfiction began as largely a gift economy. And a lot of it still is! You'll see authors participate in exchanges like Yuletide and Id Pro Quo; those are ficswaps in which authors write for a specific person to specific prompts. And even outside that, fanfiction is not written for money; authors write and post it simply for the joy of creation and community with fellow fans. Fic is posted free for anyone to enjoy. Is that not a gift?

So. When you as a reader finish the chapter or story you're reading and you are faced with the comment box, try to follow the same etiquette you would when receiving a gift. (And even if you didn't love this gift and it's not your favorite gift ever, we already know that it's more useful than the products from your cousin's MLM that they're passing off as gifts, because you read the story. At the very least, it entertained you for the time you took to read it.)

The big rule of gift receiving etiquette is not to insult the person who gave you the gift, either directly or indirectly. That's it. Full stop.

I've been seeing a lot of comments lately that are just along the lines of, "Thank you for writing this story and sharing it with us." A+, top of the class, full marks, you're doing amazing. If you don't feel comfortable commenting on the story itself, that is perfect feedback. And that's the most basic way you respond to a gift, yes? Thank you for the gift. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for sharing.

Does this rule mean that you cannot say anything at all that might be negative about anything? No, absolutely not. What you want to avoid is saying something that is, at its core, a negative evaluation of the author or their work. Let's do some examples.

Character A's obliviousness about Character B's MASSIVE crush on them made me so frustrated! I was tearing my hair out internally screaming, "JUST LET HIM LOVE YOU."

✔️ Excellent comment! You're allowed to have all sorts of feelings about things that happen in the story, and in fact authors LOVE to hear about any emotions they made you feel. Yes, frustration is not a positive emotion, but the thing you are expressing frustration about is not the author themselves or their shortcomings.

Contrast that to:

I was really frustrated that it took you so long to post this chapter. The cliffhanger at the end of the previous chapter had me tearing my hair out, and then you just left us hanging FOREVER!

❌ Nope! Here what you are expressing is frustration with the author and how fast they come out with new chapters. Imagine your sister buys you a gift for your birthday, but she isn't able to give it to you until the next week, and you respond with: "What took you so long?" I think Emily Post would frown on that.

Reframing

The way you say something and the point of view from which you give feedback can have a HUGE impact on the message you're sending. Let's take the last comment (the one about wanting an update) and see what happens when we reframe the same sentiment as a positive:

I was SO EXCITED to see that you updated this story! I have really been looking forward to seeing what happened after the cliffhanger in the last chapter.

✔️ Now it's not an insult. The author will be happy to know that you are happy to see new work from them.

This idea extends beyond the story itself: to the fandom, the characters, the pairing, the tropes, etc. Let's do some examples.

I looooove reading about these sexy boys SO IN LOVE even though the movie you're writing about is SOOOOO problematic.

❌ Nope! Assume that the author enjoys the canon, characters, pairing, etc. in the stories they write. This comment is insulting to the author because it basically says, "That thing you love is not great, and you should probably feel bad for liking it." Imagine your aunt gifts you a sweater from a popular retailer, and you respond with, "This is so cute, I love it! It's a shame that it was made in a sweatshop." Do you have a valid point about the canon or the retailer's business practices? You very well might. Is this the proper time and place to talk about it? Absolutely not.

Let's do a reframing exercise. You should be very careful about how you approach commenting negatively on anything in the story that appears in the tags list, but you can make it a compliment and good feedback if you have the right perspective. See the difference with these two approaches:

I kind of think frottage is disgusting, but I liked it in this story.

❌ Nope! You just told the author you think their kink is disgusting. That's like telling your poor aunt who is just trying to keep you warm this winter that she has awful taste in knitwear. Try again.

Frottage normally isn't my kink, but I love your other stories with this pairing, so I decided to give it a try, and I'm SOOOOO GLAD that I did! This story was 🔥🔥🔥

✔️ "This normally isn't my thing, but you made me expand my horizons!" Authors love to hear that. That's like telling your aunt, "I never thought this color looked good on me, but I look so cute in this sweater! I'm so glad you helped me step outside my comfort zone, because I'm the better for it."

thank u, next

The last thing I want to address is this new trend I've seen in commenting lately: placing an order. If your mom surprises you with new headphones, you don't respond with, "I wanted the white ones 🙁," or, "You should get me a new phone, too." It's easy to see why that isn't appropriate in a gifting situation, and it's also not appropriate when commenting on fanfiction.

Let's do some examples:

This fic was soooo cute, but it would have been a million times better if Character A had been with Character C instead of Character B.

❌ There are a few things going on here. Number one, you're telling your mom you wanted the white headphones, not the ones she actually bought you. You're also disparaging the A/B pairing that the author chose to write about, and as we discussed, we can assume that the author wrote the pairing because they liked it. Even if it's not their favorite and/or they also write A/C, they made a choice for this story to be A/B, and the comments section of a fic is not the place to question choices the author made in their own work.

You should write a story where Character Z who is not even in this story does [thing that is vaguely referenced in the B plot].

❌ "You should get me a new phone, too."

I want a sequel. 😞

❌ "Thank you, next!"

You can reframe this kind of sentiment if you are careful about it, and it's not all you say.

I really loved this story. I would be so interested to see these ideas explored further if you ever decide to write more in this universe.

✔️ Not "gimme." Not "more." This is, "If you build it, I will come." It is a HUGE difference.

You already know how to do this. You know how to graciously accept a gift; just use that same etiquette, and boom! Now you know how to fearlessly write a comment to fic you read. You're doing amazing. Go forth and comment.

[luna-azzurra]

Exploring Character Backstory

1. Start with the essentials: Begin by outlining the basic information about your character's past, such as their family background, upbringing, education, and early experiences. Consider their cultural, social, and economic background, as these factors can shape their worldview and values.

2. Identify key events and milestones: Determine significant events or milestones in your character's life that have had a profound impact on them. These could include positive or negative experiences, such as the loss of a loved one, a major achievement, a traumatic incident, or a life-changing decision. These events help shape your character's personality, fears, and aspirations.

3. Examine formative relationships: Explore the relationships your character has had with their family, friends, mentors, or romantic partners. How have these relationships influenced them? What role models or influences have shaped their values, beliefs, and behavior? Relationships can provide insight into your character's vulnerabilities, strengths, and emotional attachments.

4. Dig into their beliefs and values: Understand what your character believes in and values. Examine their moral compass, political views, religious beliefs, or philosophical outlook. Consider how their beliefs might clash or align with the conflicts they encounter in the story. This will create depth and authenticity in their character development.

5. Uncover secrets and hidden aspects: Delve into your character's secrets, hidden desires, or aspects of their past that they prefer to keep hidden. Secrets can create internal conflicts, fuel character growth, and add intrigue to the story. They can also reveal vulnerabilities or flaws that make your character more relatable and complex.

6. Consider the impact of societal factors: Explore how societal factors such as gender, race, class, or historical context have influenced your character's experiences and identity. These factors can shape their struggles, opportunities, and perspectives. Understanding the societal context in which your character exists adds layers of depth to their backstory.

7. Connect the backstory to the main story: Once you have explored the character's backstory, identify how it relates to the main story. Determine how their past experiences, relationships, or traumas influence their present motivations, conflicts, and goals. This connection will ensure that the backstory serves a purpose in the narrative and contributes to the character's growth.

8. Use backstory selectively: While backstory is essential for understanding your character, avoid excessive exposition or information dumping. Introduce elements of the backstory gradually, through dialogue, memories, or subtle hints. This helps maintain reader interest and allows the character's past to unfold organically throughout the story.

Remember, not all aspects of the character's backstory need to be explicitly mentioned in the narrative. It's important to choose and reveal elements that have the most significant impact on the character's present circumstances and development.

[eamour]

avoid any action.

with manifesting, there comes an intrusive urge to act. a deep need to do something to get something. we often try to change our world or ourselves through actions. however, we don’t alter or attain things with the use of our bodies. we can only ever achieve things with the use of our MINDS.

! this post was partially inspired by @sparklingself and her post called "do nothing" !

law of assumption.

let’s take a look at what the law of assumption states.

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

law of assumption

/lɔː/ /ɒv,əv/ /əˈsʌm(p)ʃn/

"the law of assumption postulates that the assumptions of an individual shape and create one's physical reality."

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

so, what does that mean? how does this help us?

mentally, not physically.

just like assumptions take place in the mind, so does everything related to manifestation. after all, manifestation is forever done in the mind, and not with the body. all events that have taken place physically, first took place mentally. everything external used to be internal. conversely, you can only put out what you already put in.

in conclusion, you cannot DO anything. there is nothing for you to perform, nothing for you to execute, nothing for you to accomplish. you can only BE. so, in order to become someone new, to coerce something into BEING, you need to refrain from taking any action. let go of all efforts to alter the physical. instead, alter the mental.

mental and physical in contrast.

okay, alright, but what if you still try to physically achieve your goals? how about we try to prove the law wrong. let's say you want to get xyz while being in a negative mindset in relation to xyz. you don’t really believe in getting xyz, nor do you believe in yourself. but if you try your best physically, it should still workout, right?

nope. and i'll tell you why. you can never alter yourself with an act in opposition to your belief. your desired version of self cannot be attained by force. you cannot force yourself to achieve something while already knowing you won't or can't. if it isn’t already withIN you, it won’t and can't be withOUT you.

on the other hand, that version of yourself with your current mindset in that present state is NEVER going to achieve xyz. because that version of you is tied to that self concept, that state and that reality. creation is finished, meaning, this reality is finished. it’s forever going to look like that. you are forever going to be like that. ONLY if you change your state from within, you can ensure a change from without. that’s when you shift your state of mind, and therefore, your physical reality. you cannot physically shift. you need to mentally shift. because no matter HOW much you try to make reality B (undesired) look like reality A (desired), it won’t ever change the fact that you are still experiencing reality B.

externally dependent action.

now, what about the 3D? what if i am changing my assumptions but don’t experience them physically yet? this part is very important for any of you who are thinking of completely turning your back on your 3D, who feel overwhelmed by it or don’t know how to deal with it.

1 · first of all, you are doing great. keep doing it.

2 · second of all, living in the end and focusing on embodying your desired version of self does not mean that you start refusing to LIVE. you aren’t supposed to deny or reject your human experience when it’s not convenient for you. you are still going to do your chores, have your responsibilities, attend school, go to work, and so on. in your mind, however, you are being who YOU want to be and have what YOU want to have. it’s about knowing the external world is going to change because it has to, plus balancing experiencing both worlds. in the end, your outer world will show you how your inner world looks like.

often times, suddenly abandoning yourself in the physical world will only harm you because then it will only be harder for you to dismiss the negative parts of your reality. it usually makes things a lot more draining and challenging.

physical techniques and methods.

this is just gonna serve as a reminder: techniques and methods are only there to help. they aide you to obtain a feeling of "naturalness" in correlation to your desires. they don’t do the manifesting. actually, they have no power on their own. you know who does the manifesting? YOU. you and only you. thus, you can do a method 111 times and still not manifest your desire because your assumptions say otherwise. everything you manifest with the support of a method or technique can be traced back to you, moreover your MIND's power. not your bodies power, and certainly not your hands ability to write down a script 123 times.

"there is no need to do something. don’t do anything. because if you WERE who you wanted to be, all you would do is experience BEING it. you wouldn’t DO anything." — edward art

don’t change it. let it be changed.

with love, ella.

[cripplecharacters]

Does Your Scarred Character Have to Hate Themself?

[large text: Does Your Scarred Character Have to Hate Themself?]

(TLDR: No.)

A frequent topic that shows up around facial differences is the self-hatred, self-disgust, self-insert-negative-emotion that we must surely experience. I want to ask* writers without FDs - why? Why do you feel about us in such a way that that's the most common way of depicting us?

*- rhetorical question. I promise I know the answer, but I'm not sure if writers do.

It's frankly worrying to me. Is it really that common to assume that disabled people have this internal, never-ending hatred for themselves? The overwhelming majority of us don't. We hate inaccessibility, when people stare, or some symptoms when they get in the way, or how expensive being disabled is, but I find the concept of us being so completely disturbed by our own disabilities extremely strange. It’s “tragedy porn” intersecting “most basic ableism”.

“But trauma!”

[large text: “But trauma!”]

Trauma of what! People with facial differences don't have some sort of default trauma that we come with like it’s a factory setting. We are a group of people with tens of thousands of stories and experiences.

“Trauma of experiencing ableism/disfiguremisia” - that's better, at least this means something. If you're writing a story about this, please get a sensitivity reader with a facial difference. You can assume how we feel all you want, but in my experience these assumptions are often bizarre and unrealistic. Or just end up writing the same “disability so sad” sob story that everyone has seen a billion times. If you want to write about disfiguremisia, you need to understand the nuance and have more than just the basic level knowledge (which 99% of people don’t have either). If you can’t do that, don’t write about it. Simple as that.

“Trauma of the accident” - thankfully, the accident is an event and a facial difference is a disability. If you want to connect these two like they're one and the same, you're almost surely going to demonize disability. People with traumatic spinal cord injuries, acquired amputees, people with TBI, people with acquired facial differences - we participate in our communities, we have hobbies, we date, we play with our dogs. Disability isn't a death sentence. Media who make it feel like it is certainly don't help people who do suddenly become disabled, don't you think?

Here's a post by @blindbeta about blind characters becoming blind through trauma that’s better made than anything I could hope to write here. I heavily recommend giving it a read.

And, I can't stress this enough - most of us didn't have “the accident”, most of us are born like this. "Traumatic scars" isn't the only facial difference that exists, far from it, it's only one of thousands. It's 99% of our representation and "representation". If you want to make a character with FD - please consider that we aren't a monolith. Just like not all physical disabilities are "wheelchair user with paralysis and somehow no other symptoms", not all facial differences are "traumatic scar with somehow no nerve damage".

The overrepresentation of it is incredibly telling, and sometimes - or very frequently - feels like the writer doesn’t actually even want to deal with us. They want to use our disability as a way to cheap drama, moral metaphors, tragic backstories. Not to represent us as living people who are much more similar to you than you apparently think.

Now, I do have enough awareness to know that that's a big part of the appeal. “Horrific Thing #2456 happens” and boom, instant drama. Of course, it's a reasonable response that they would hide their disability for years, avoid talking about it in any way, and magically change their personality to be mean and reclusive, or at least be constantly soooo sad about how much it sucks to be disabled, right?

Do I really need to say that having your character becoming disabled be the worst thing ever is ableism 101? We have been talking about this for so long at this point. Writing about the process of adapting to a specific disability is better left to people who have actual experience in it.

To give an example that will hopefully resonate more with Tumblr users, I will use the fact that I'm also gay. It's not perfect by any means but probably much more familiar territory.

Imagine, let's say, a character. He's gay. The story he's in is supposedly progressive, certainly not trying to be homophobic. The character has experienced an incident, maybe an act of aggression or a hate crime, that happened because he’s gay, which was traumatic. Happens IRL, sure. So of course the character starts hating being gay. He talks about how gross and disgusting it is, he never lets anyone know that he could be “one of them”, certainly not take a stance against homophobia. You can't mention him without mentioning the accident, they're seemingly fused together. No gay love, joy, even basic happiness, he would actually choose to be straight in a heartbeat if given the option to and complains that he can't. This is shown as a neutral, obvious thing that a gay man would do, no one comments on it. He stays like this the whole time, unless there’s a plot twist in the last 10 pages where the world is now magically perfect ("we fixed discrimination, yay!"). This is the only LGBT character in the story.

Keep in mind that there are people similar to this in real life, living with extreme internalized homophobia.

Reading comprehension quiz time: Is this, in your opinion, realistic and thoughtful representation? How does it feel when written by a cishet writer, versus a gay writer who is recalling his experiences? Do you think that it's reasonable for the majority of media representation to be like this, or very close to it? How would it affect younger gay people who might already be uncomfortable with being queer? Are gay men the target audience, or are they not even considered as a group of people who read books? Is this helping or damaging the general public's idea of how it is to be gay? Why or why not?

The Masterpiece

[large text: The Masterpiece]

From 13 to 19 of May, we are celebrating Face Equality week (what a coincidence!). It’s important to me in general - and I wish it was more important to abled people, but I digress - especially its theme for this year.

“My Face is a Masterpiece”

Great statement, it represents the community well, I do enjoy how bold it is. Very cool stuff, I love the work our advocates are doing.

But why do I bring this up?

Well, to very non-subtly show that we aren’t a self-hating group of people. We are a community, a community saying “our faces are beautiful, look!”, we are saying “treat us equally, and do it now!”. Our activism isn’t about self-disgust. It’s about fighting your-disgust. 

Why can’t writers keep up? Why are you still stuck decades behind?

Is this the only reason I bring it up?

The Call to Celebration

[large text: The Call to Celebration]

FEI, the org behind organizing it, asks a very simple question (emphasis mine):

“Why do we so often see stories about facial difference as a ‘tragedy’, when they should be about triumph?” “Calling all artists, allies, creatives, galleries.  You can rewrite the story to bring about #FaceEquality and celebrate the unique artistry found in every face. Your participation this #FaceEqualityWeek will help to tell the real story, that there is a masterpiece in every face.”

Here. We are calling for you to stop. Directly from the biggest international advocacy alliance group that's out there. If you create, this is for you.

The last argument to not have your character with a facial difference hate themselves? Because we don’t want this. We are tired and frustrated. For me personally, I’m also offended by this kind of assumption. We aren’t tragedies or cheap entertainment for abled people to pity or be horrified by. We are people, and if you can’t internalize that, you have no reason to write about us.

For once, celebrate us. Happy Face Equality Week!

mod Sasza

[kairologia]

Your 12th house gifts and areas you struggle with most, according to your rising sign.

The 12th House is traditionally a desolate, dark, and isolating place. But what insights might you gain, were you to confront and explore that which you've been avoiding? Not unlike how every chart has a “natal promise”, every 12H has positive potential and negative burdens to show for itself. Here, we shall dive into that. Use Whole Sign Houses.

P.S: one configuration cannot explain everything about you as a person with a full-chart and a bunch of unique personal experiences, so if you do not relate to everything, that’s fine. ♥

— Aries Rising with Pisces in the 12H:

· Gift: Aries risings are profoundly intuitive & empathetic and this fact is oft understated. These people tend to be blessed with creativity & plenty of artistic gifts, and are incredibly inspirational to those around them. The teacher that inspires their students so profoundly they remain unforgotten even decades later, the hype man that supports their friend group’s endeavors most — these archetypes are found across the zodiac spectrum, but at an unusually high concentration among Aries risings.

· Struggle: they tend to feel overwhelmed by their unspoken emotions and have a hard time asserting personal boundaries. Aries rising natives tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves, and have a hard time keeping things in. If they *feel* something, they will make it known.

— Taurus Rising with Aries in the 12H:

· Gift: Taurus risings are blessed with incredible resiliency, & can overcome anything if they so desire. They tend to enjoy most & even be skilled at artistic pursuits that revolve around the erotic &/or grotesque. They are rarely put off by things, and are the type of people that can listen to you vent about all sorts of topics, no matter how ‘gross’ or taboo.

· Struggle: ironically, Taurus rising natives tend to simultaneously be very impatient while also being inclined to repressing and internalizing all sorts of emotions, not unlike a dormant volcano, leading to inner and outer conflict. They tend to be hot-headed and struggle letting go of matters they found hurtful.

— Gemini Rising with Taurus in the 12H:

· Gift: These people are incredibly grounded intellectually and it shines through their mental clarity and ability to communicate with precision. Though they may appear scatterbrained to others, their mind palace is incredibly well-compartmentalized. They tend to be great at artistic pursuits that call upon multiple senses at once and provide strong sensorial experiences.

· Struggle: Gemini rising natives tend to overanalyze emotions, which hinders the spontaneity and adaptative quality associated with other Gemini placements. They also tend to repress their desire for relational pleasure and connection, and have a hard time accepting that even they desire to connect with others.

— Cancer Rising with Gemini in the 12H:

· Gift: Cancer risings are capable of understanding the perspective of others with incredible ease, which grants them a versatile penmanship & communication skillset. They tend to excel at communication, writing, teaching, getting things across, as no matter how complex the topic at hand they will manage to break it down to others in a manner that is simple enough to be understood by anyone — in part explaining why they tend to be so great with kids.

· Struggle: Cancer rising natives often have a hard time reconciling rational thought with emotional intuition, leading to indecision — growing up, possibly as a defense mechanism, most Cancer risings tend to pick one end of the emotion vs reason spectrum and sticking to it, leading to unavoidable inner tension in adulthood.

— Leo Rising with Cancer in the 12H:

· Gift: not unlike Aries risings, their intuitive senses & understanding of other people’s hidden emotions are widely underestimated. Their ability to foster deep emotional connections with others & nurture those around them is second to none. They also tend to have the very rich & versatile emotional inner world that is often associated with water moons – in part explaining why they’re known for their creativity & dramatic flair.

· Struggle: Leo risings have a tendency to retreat into isolation upon feeling vulnerable. They tend to repress their feelings from the outside world, and hardly feel comfortable enough to let anyone in. In more extreme cases, there might even be a propensity towards denying certain emotions and repressing them altogether. They have a very polished facade & a strong sense of self, and consequently will hardly appreciate breaking out of character.

— Virgo Rising with Leo in the 12H:

· Gift: Virgo risings are known for telling it like it is — their authentic manner of self-expression and courage to confront anything that gets in their way is their signature brand. Though many Virgo risings tend to prefer blending in and going unnoticed, they’re in actuality extremely creative, and will hardly let other people’s narrative steer them at will.

- Struggle: a Virgo rising’s biggest critic is themselves, and oftentimes they tend to forget that their own desire to be perfect may not be shared by others, as most people value authenticity over perfection — leading to Virgo rising natives feeling rejected by those around them, as their desire to advise and help is inextricably linked to their sense of self. They tend not to realize that said advice is often unwarranted and unsought for, consequently taking everything to heart, which may result in them struggling with self-acceptance and vulnerability.

— Libra Rising with Virgo in the 12H:

· Gift: Libra risings have mastered the art of knowing that multiple things can be true at once, & their analytical minds are loaded with insight into hidden dynamics & truths. They tend to favor a practical approach to resolving emotional conflicts, which makes them seem as though they fear & avoid conflict, when in truth they had already assessed the situation and figured out the best path to returning to center.

· Struggle: Libra risings repress thought & opinion to keep the peace, & consequently feel as though their opinions matter less or not at all to those around them — which, once brought up, might come across as a point of confusion to those around them who generally value their insights immensely. They also tend to overanalyze emotions, be it their own or those of others, and thus struggle with expressing deeper feelings, or believing others to begin with, leading to inner conflict.

— Scorpio Rising with Libra in the 12H:

· Gift: Scorpio risings posess the ability to understand subconscious patterns no matter how convoluted they may be. Even at times where they struggle with understanding themselves, their emotions, desires and behavioural patterns, those of others are hardly a secret to them.

· Struggle: the 12th house is a lesson on balance & compromise for Scorpio risings. Their desire for harmony in inner conflicts is often at odds with their own subjectivity & inclination towards taking extremes in their daily lives, so they tend to struggle immensely with balance. They simultaneously obsess over & repress their hidden desires & preferences, leading to power struggles within the self. They also tend to struggle with forming connections with others, whether it’s due to failed past connections or an inherent fear of commitment or merely an extreme sense of detachment.

— Sagittarius Rising with Scorpio in the 12H:

· Gift: Sagittarius risings are known for their fearlessness and inclination towards spiritual & occult pursuits. A Sagittarius rising is never one to say no to or back down from new experiences, and have a sense of freedom that is defining to their personhood. Everyday is a potential new lesson to these people.

· Struggle: the same sense of freedom may lead to their tendency towards escapism. They tend to struggle with confronting their less superficial, deeper emotions, & may repress their anger a lot in their youth — leading to their being a lot more explosive and thrill-seeking in adulthood. Sagittarius risings are the type to prefer trying anything – even things many would advise against, just to prove a point, whether to themselves or others – as they believe they have no teacher other than life itself.

— Capricorn Rising with Sagittarius in the 12H:

· Gift: Capricorn risings are known for their philosophical perspective & optimistic outlook on challenges, which often translates to an ability to grow wiser at a faster rate than their peers. Their beliefs & values play a crucial role in their selfhood, so they tend to invest a lot of time into spiritual pursuits.

· Struggle: the flip side of their beliefs and values shaping their inner world in a way that is hard to get across to others is that they may be the type to struggle with forming connections with people who do not share the same beliefs & philosophies. They also tend to fear failure more than anything, & struggle to surrender to their own place in the grander scheme of things — these two points are inextricably linked and in order to grow past either, you as a Capricorn rising ought to address both simultaneously.

— Aquarius Rising with Capricorn in the 12H :

· Gift: Incredibly disciplined and persevering in confronting their inner fears. Overtime, they tend to develop a sense of stability and self-mastery that is second to none. While not intuitive in the stereotypical sense, they tend to have inexplicable hunches about things that hardly ever turn out to be incorrect. They tend to live well with & within chaos, sometimes at the expense of their well-being.

· Struggle: they tend to repress emotions and have a strong fear of vulnerability, which hinders their ability to form intimate connections and grow emotionally — they feel as though they have a built-in indestructible wall blocking them out & holding them back from everyone else. They may struggle with becoming responsible, or feel as though they matured too soon. Sometimes, it’s a bit of both.

— Pisces Rising with Aquarius in the 12H:

· Gift: Pisces risings are infinitely more rational than they are believed to be. They have an uncanny approach to understanding subconscious patterns, & tend to reason their way through any situation before reaching a judgement. Very insightful people who tend to be incredibly inquisitive as well, and would prod answers out of anyone if they so desire.

· Struggle: Pisces risings tend to isolate often, whether as a way to recalibrate or just out of preference. Natives of this rising sign, especially those with Air moons, often struggle with detachment and may find it hard to relate to statements implying they are inclined towards emotionality. These people often have or had a “weird kid” reputation ascribed to them by their peers that often stuck well into adulthood.

If you’d like a reading, more details can be found here!

[leahwllmsn]

good graces

alexia putellas x reader

word count: 3.4k

You dislike Alexia Putellas with everything in you. Or maybe you’ve been crushing on her all this time. Who knows.

The first thing you noticed upon entering the club was the sea of people that made it hard for you to even get to the booth. The music was blaring in your ears and the smell of smoke wafted towards your nose. A strobe light shone against your eyes, making you squint and stop in your tracks. Kika was walking ahead of you and you quickly grabbed onto her hand, forcing her to stop as well.

“What’s wrong?” Kika spoke towards your ear.

You shook your head, pinching the bridge of your nose. “I’m fine. Got disoriented for a second.”

“Okay.” Kika turned around, still keeping her hand linked with yours. You let yourself get dragged, Kika manoeuvring the both of you easily around the crowd.

It felt like forever until you finally reached the booth where the rest of the Barcelona players were occupying. Everyone was exchanging their ‘hi’s and ‘nice to meet you’s and you couldn’t focus on any of that. Not when you could feel her gaze on you.

The season was starting next week and since you and a couple of girls were new to the club, Patri decided to host a night out to introduce the newcomers. You knew a couple of the Spanish girls, having met them during international matches and exchanged contacts throughout your years in professional football.

There was one person, however, that… you didn’t really know how to explain it. Was she your enemy? Frenemy? You didn’t exactly hate her… But you didn’t exactly like her either. You’re pretty sure the feeling was mutual.

But it wasn’t that negative, soul-sucking, I-hope-she-dies type of hatred—at least, to you it wasn’t. It was more of… you couldn’t stand the stupid smirk on her face, it was infuriating, and even more so when she pushed you to the ground during matches or worse—when she completely humiliated you by nutmegging you and scoring a goal.

The smirk she sent your way after that was… maddening. You wanted to punch her, or something. You didn’t though. Instead you scowled at her throughout the rest of the game and you ignored her when everyone was shaking hands.

So you never really know where you stood with Alexia Putellas. The only words exchanged between you two were the heated curses on the pitch. Now that you two were going to be teammates, it was going to change the dynamics between you, definitely. You didn’t know in what way though.

You were never able to pinpoint why you disliked her so much, maybe it was because of the way she walked around the pitch like she owned the game before it even started. Like she was so confident that she would be winning—which was sexy as hell, yes, but it angered you. Because you were going to win, obviously. 

So maybe it was a good thing that you would be on the same team now. Maybe you could finally co-exist.

The situation had been on your mind ever since you signed for Barcelona. The uncertainty of it all was throwing you off. So you made a mental note to avoid her until you could figure it out.

Whatever ‘it’ was.

Your mantra before entering the club was to look away, to not spare her a glance. Not under any circumstances should you look her way. Period. 

It should be simple. It was simple.

All thoughts completely flew out the window the moment you arrived at the booth and you could feel Alexia’s eyes on you.

Ever since the first time you shook hands with her on the field (you were fifteen and she was sixteen), you had always known when her eyes were on you. Call it intuition or sixth sense or whatever.

So you had no choice but to look at her.

(She looked as good as you remembered.)

Your eyes locked for a second before Alexia broke away first, her eyes falling down to your left hand—your hand that was tightly intertwined with Kika’s. You saw the frown she sent your way and you sent her one back. Was it so hard to smile at someone?

You felt a tug at your hand and realised that Kika was motioning for you to take a seat. You glanced up once more at Alexia, but her gaze was now focused on the drink in front of her. 

You slid into the booth next to Kika and accepted the drink that Pina held out to you, muttering a ‘thanks’. Once you did, you felt the pair of hazel eyes from across the table back on you. 

Your eye contact lasted longer this time, you didn’t know why Alexia was looking at you like that. It was a gaze that felt so intense, making you instantly chug your drink. 

“Whoa,” you heard someone say, a giggle following after. “No rush, chica. We have all night.”

“Patri, nice to see you again,” you shouted over the music.

“You too!” She lifted a bottle of vodka, silently asking you if you wanted some, to which you nodded in reply. Patri took your now empty glass and poured some into it. “We’re out of shot glasses, sorry! This one over here,” she pointed a thumb at Alexia. “Accidentally elbowed them to the ground and now we only get plastic cups!”

You couldn’t help it and joined in on the laughter. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Alexia’s head snap towards you. You gulped the drink Patri gave you and continued on with your staring contest with the captain. You raised an eyebrow at her, she simply threw that signature smirk of hers your way.

Infuriating.

“Can they actually do that?” asked Jana.

“Apparently!” Patri answered back.

Mapi placed her arm around Alexia’s shoulder, “You have to excuse this one. She had some pre-drinks at her place so she’s already well on her way to being extra drunk.” After a moment, she added. “Although, she became extremely calm these past few minutes. Are you okay?” Mapi teased.

Alexia playfully shoved her away. “It’s not my fault they didn’t know the risks when they decided to open a club.”

You felt Kika bump her shoulder against yours. “I can see why you’re so hung up on her, to be honest.”

At that, you pulled back. You gave Kika a look that was a mixture of ‘what the hell are you talking about’ and ‘I think I’m not drunk enough for this conversation’.

Kika rolled her eyes and leaned closer, speaking directly in your ears. “She’s ridiculously attractive.”

You placed your hand on Kika’s face, shoving her away. You could feel Kika’s laughter against your palm and you pulled your hand back.

“Y/n—” Kika started, but you interrupted her.

“Nope,” you took another gulp of your drink. “Talk to me again about this topic when I’m drunk. Actually, no. Don’t talk to me about this topic at all because there is nothing to talk about in the first place!”

Kika shook her head fondly and wrapped her arm around your neck, bringing your head towards her so she could whisper in your ear. “I think you should drink faster then, because your girl looks like she’s going to kill me and we need to do something about it.”

You pinched her thigh. “She’s not my girl.”

“Ouch! That was the part you got? Not her wanting to kill me?”

“Stop being ridiculous then. Why would she want to kill you?”

Kika grinned. “Probably because to everyone else it looks like we’re about to kiss.”

Your eyes widened at your proximity and quickly shoved the brunette, causing her to lean backwards into Jana, who looked amused at the two of you.

“Sorry,” Kika whined. “Y/n’s fault!”

Just when you were about to say something back, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. A text message from an unknown number.

Hola

It’s Alexia.

You glanced up at her, giving her a confused look. Alexia just gave a slight nod of her head, flicking her eyes to your phone. You sighed. This was going to be fun.

you: how did you get my number?

unknown number: Perks of being the capitana.

you: why are you even texting me? you’re literally in front of me

unknown number: Oh am I? Thank you for pointing that out.

you: you’re as annoying as I remembered

you: so ? is there a reason why you’re texting me

annoying capi: Because you are too far away. It’s so loud here. I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you.

annoying capi: I have captain duties

you: to talk to me?

annoying capi: Yes

You almost rolled your eyes at that. What kind of captain duties was this? Pere would likely introduce Alexia as your captain on your first day. There was nothing urgent that any captain-teammate talk had to be done now.

You just hoped that she wasn’t planning on kicking you out of the club, or any other evil things you couldn’t think of. You stared at her, somewhere between a glare and an interested look. Only one way to find out.

you: I’m about to grab a drink at the bar

annoying capi: Is this an invitation?

you: am I going by myself or are you coming with?

“Y/n and I are grabbing more drinks,” Alexia announced. “Does anyone want anything?”

Everyone shook their heads and with that Alexia slid out of the booth. She outstretched her hand towards you and you stared down at it. There was no way that Alexia was asking you to hold her hand, because that would be ridiculous, and frankly, you weren’t sure if you were ready to know what it feels like to hold Alexia’s hand—

“Dios mío,” Alexia reached out and grabbed your wrist. You didn’t have time to react and the next thing you knew, you were being pulled to the bar.

Alexia’s grasp on your wrist was tight, you felt all tingly as more seconds passed by and Alexia’s grip never faltered. 

You inwardly cringe at yourself for feeling like that towards a… a frenemy (you still didn’t know what you two were).

When you reached the bar, Alexia finally let go and you kind of missed the warm feeling Alexia’s hold gave you.

“What’s your drink?” Alexia asked.

“Uhm…”

The place was crowded, which was definitely good for the business, but you decided that it was very not good for you. Because with the way Alexia was leaning sideways against the counter, arms crossed, eyebrows raised at you—Alexia was so close that you couldn’t think of anything, except the way her eyes looked even more heavenly at night (not that you noticed. You were too busy marking her during games, you definitely had no time to admire the way the sunlight made her eyes shine even brighter).

“Do you do that a lot?” Alexia asked once she finished talking to the bartender.

When you still hadn’t answered, Alexia pursed her lips and blew on your face. “Boo.”

Your eyes widened. “W-what was that for?”

“You’re zoning out again,” Alexia rolled her eyes at you.

“No I wasn’t,” you tried your best to sound calm despite your racing heartbeat. 

Alexia smelled like alcohol and a perfume that you knew was from Chanel (you had the same one at home) and you knew you weren’t supposed to let your mind wander, but you couldn’t help but think about how it would feel like to have Alexia pressed up against you. Like, really pressed up against you. 

How her lips would feel on—

“You’re doing it again,” Alexia noted.

You blinked a few times. What the hell were you thinking? You couldn’t think of Alexia like that. The thought made you shiver. You two disliked each other. “I’m doing what?”

“Spacing out,” Alexia looked amused. “Something on your mind?”

“Just the usual,” you replied, looking anywhere but those eyes.

“And what is the usual to you?”

You let out a small laugh. “Are you always this nosy? I don’t see you texting Kika or Pajor and asking for a one-on-one.”

Alexia shrugged. “Maybe I’m just interested in you.”

At that, you looked at Alexia and raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just am. I can’t pinpoint it.”

You narrowed your eyes. Was she flirting with you? “Is this you talking to me as my captain or is this something else?” Alexia was about to reply when you cut her off. “Is this where you say something nice about me but then talk shit a second later?” you paused. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say because the next thing you knew, Alexia was laughing. It was the first time you’ve heard her laugh. You didn’t want to think about the tug in your heart or the smile making its way to your lips. “What does that have to do with anything?” Alexia asked you.

You crossed your arms against your chest. “It sounded like you were flirting with me.”

“I could mean being interested in you in a non-romantic sense,” Alexia refuted. “I am going to be your capitana after all.”

“Mhmm, sure,” you looked around the bar. “I think you’re lying.”

Alexia looked amused. “Why do you think that?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know, I just do. I can’t pinpoint it.”

“Using my words against me, I see.” 

You cheekily smiled at her and she did the same. Alexia actually smiled at you. It was a miracle. First you made her laugh, then you made her smile. You were on a roll.

Not that it mattered. You couldn’t care less, really.

Suddenly remembering that you didn’t tell her what drink you wanted, you looked at the bartender then back at her, “Did you order for me? Hope it’s nothing poisonous. We’re about to play on the same team, you can stop trying to kill me on the field now.”

Alexia scoffed. “I never acted like I wanted to kill you.”

“I beg to differ but sure,” you couldn’t believe that you were enjoying a conversation with Alexia Putellas. “I never told you my drink order, so if you got me something I don’t like, you’re paying for it.”

Alexia scrunched her nose at you. “I thought I was paying for it. I am a gentlewoman after all.”

You hummed. “Does this work on all women?”

“It’s Sex on the Beach, by the way,” Alexia ignored your question. “What I ordered for you.”

You raised an eyebrow at that. Oh this can definitely be considered flirting. “Why Sex on the Beach?”

Alexia just shrugged in response.

“That’s my favourite,” you told her. “Just for your information.”

“Really?” Alexia grinned at you. (What a sight it was.) “I am so good at this.”

“Sure. You probably chose that drink so you could flirt with me.”

“Is that a problem?”

You looked at her questioningly. “That you got my favourite cocktail right on the first try?”

Alexia laughed again, but this time there wasn’t the usual teasing tone when she spoke. “You’re so dense sometimes.”

“Thanks,” you drew out. “I guess.”

“What I meant was… is that a problem if I was flirting with you?”

You weren't expecting that answer. This was definitely not the captain-teammate talk you were expecting, nor was this the type of conversation you were expecting from your frenemy. “Uh,” you stammered. “With the fact that you have a girlfriend, yeah kind of.”

Alexia stared at you for a second, before she looked away. When she turned to you again, a coy smile was present on her lips. “You’re right. That was terrible. Sorry, please don’t tell my non-existent girlfriend about this.”

Oh? You tried to hide the smile that was making its way to your face. “Don’t worry. I don’t know your non-existent girlfriend enough to snitch on you.”

The bartender interrupted you with your drinks and you gulped half of yours in one go. You needed to be more intoxicated with the way this conversation was going.

“I probably sound like a terrible girlfriend,” Alexia said, placing her card back in her wallet after paying for your drinks.

“Hm? How so?”

“I’m literally flirting with another woman here, even though my girlfriend, our three kids, and two dogs are waiting for me at our mansion,” Alexia rolled out dramatically, you laughed at how ridiculous she was.

“So you were flirting with me.”

Alexia rolled her eyes, looking down. She looked… shy? This was new. You were enjoying this very much. “I never said such a thing.”

“What?” You looked at her in disbelief. “Alexia, you just said ‘I’m literally flirting with another woman’.”

Alexia shrugged, taking a gulp of her drink. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.”

You had to keep on reminding yourself that Alexia was your frenemy. You two disliked each other. Whatever this was… it was a momentary lapse in judgement. A drunk night out. You weren’t into Alexia like that and she was definitely, totally just playing with you. But looking at the blonde in front of you—how Alexia was doing something as simple as swirling her straw in her drink—you never wanted to do something stupid as much as right now.

“You know,” you started. “If you didn’t have a girlfriend, I would totally kiss you.”

You were only toying with her of course. You didn’t actually want to kiss her.

Alexia choked on her drink. “I’m sorry, what?” she looked at you wide-eyed.

You smirked, it was a nice turn of events, having Alexia be the one stuttering instead of you. “You heard me.”

“Well,” you saw Alexia gulp and place her drink on the bar. “I guess you’re in luck then.” Alexia averted her eyes down to your lips. “My non-existent girlfriend just broke up with me,” she pouted dramatically. Damn it. You were trying so hard not to look at her lips. “You, on the other hand, is a terrible date.”

You looked confused. “Me?”

Alexia nodded. “Flirting with me when your date is right there,” she tilted her head in the direction of where your friends were sitting. “Kika?”

You laughed at that. Was Alexia actually jealous? “Am I sensing some jealousy here, Putellas?”

“Why would I be?” Alexia scoffed, the faint blush on her cheeks visible despite the dark lighting of the club. Oh this was so much fun.

“Is that why you’re always so hostile towards me on the pitch, Capi? Do you actually have a crush on me? Asking me out would work just fine, you know.”

“I’m not…” Alexia crossed her arms. “I’m not jealous and I definitely do not have a crush on you. Ridícula.”

You could feel the effects of the alcohol, because you could never be this bold otherwise. You stepped forward, tracing a finger down Alexia’s forearm.

“Uh,” Alexia stammered.

“It’s so funny,” you whispered in her ear. “To have the mighty Alexia Putellas speechless for once.”

You tapped Alexia’s cheek and leaned back.

Alexia just kept on staring at you for a few seconds, her mouth stuttering to say something.

“I’m going to order another drink,” you said, gulping down the last of your cocktail. “Do you want something?”

Alexia finally regained her composure and straightened her back. “Yeah, yeah. Sure.”

You waved the bartender over and told him your order. You turned to Alexia with an expectant look. “Well? What do you want?”

“Ah. Are you on the menu?” Alexia answered, giving you her best innocent look.

It took a second for you to realise what Alexia said, and when you did, your mouth dropped open. 

Before you could reply, Alexia leaned in and whispered in your ear. “I always win these games, cariño,” the hot breath against your ear causing you to shiver. “See you back there.” Alexia winked and turned around, leaving you to stare at her retreating figure with your mouth still agape and your heart thumping wildly against your chest.

You hated her so much.

[butchpeace]

My older brother is an autogynephilic TIM.

After a long time of trying to hide my real feelings and convince myself to be supportive, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t do that anymore.

I believe that a main motivation for his transition was jealousy towards me growing up. It’s become increasingly clear that he genuinely just wishes he were me.

He was misogynistic, controlling, talked down to me and treated me like I was stupid during our childhood. As a teenager, he got interested in pedophilic anime. The kind with the characters who look like little girls but are supposed to be high schoolers. He likely became interested in yuri manga at this time - pedophilic anime lesbian porn.

The way he treated me had a very negative effect on my self esteem and mental health as a young woman, and that was part of what led to my trans identification and eventual transition. I hated him. But he had also been part of what shaped my negative self image, and I had internalized it. The idea that I was stupid, not worth the same as he was, that my feelings didn’t matter, that I was a burden on the family. It wasn’t just him, but my childhood in general shaped me into a self-hating young woman who felt like she needed to escape and become something else.

A few years after I began transition, he “came out”. We were living under the same roof at the time, and I was truthfully very uncomfortable. I was on edge all the time, and didn’t feel at home in my own apartment. And I kept trying to push that feeling down because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought I was being judgmental, that my instincts were wrong and I shouldn’t listen to them. That’s when I started peaking and started to consider detransition. I found a roommate and moved out. And even then I felt guilty, because he whined about not having anyone else to live with.

When he changed his name, he was pissed off that he hadn’t been born female, because he wanted my name. He said this in front of the whole family. That he doesn’t know what name he wants to go by, his only idea was what he would have been named if he were female, which is my name. He ended up choosing one of the most cliche TIM names you can choose. Another time, someone asked him his favorite colors. He told them his favorite colors were the ones I always said were my favorite as a kid. This isn’t a coincidence - It’s a specific list of colors.

These sound like just little things, and most people would brush it off, but they instantly made my brain go into red alert mode. Since then he’s become very outspoken about being a “lesbian”. He talks about wishing he could find a girlfriend, being a “lonely lesbian”, a “useless lesbian”, being “soooo gay”, whatever. He has the flags, he suddenly likes cats despite being allergic and never liking animals at all before. He watches anime and tv shows with lesbian characters and thirsts after characters like Vi from Arcane while talking about his “gender envy”.

He makes objectifying comments about women’s bodies, calls himself and my female family members “bitch”. Infantilizes himself and loves to talk about how “weak” he is. (At 5’11 with a clearly male frame) There are too many things to list honestly. All the ways in which it’s obvious that he has no idea what being a woman actually is. It’s just some concept he made up in his head, a male fantasy of what womanhood entails.

We’ve only seen each other a few times a year at most in the years since then, and I’ve just tried to avoid and ignore and not engage in conversations with him. All the while he acts nice, like he never treated me like shit growing up, as if being trans was his problem and “becoming a woman” fixed him. As if I’m the one being unreasonable for being distant and not having a close relationship.

I’m seeing more and more clearly how hollow it all is. How fake it all is. How probably perverted it all is. He was a harmful influence on my life. And now he acts like he’s a woman, and it’s hollow, and somehow he thinks that means it’s all erased and forgiven.

We’re both grown adults now, and he only physically hurt me once as a kid, but growing up seeing him fly into a rage every time I didn’t agree with him still makes me afraid of the threat of violence from him. That’s part of why it’s hard to speak up and why it’s still uncomfortable to be around him.

The crazy thing is that I know multiple detrans women who have TIM older brothers. I’ve heard from other women that there seems to be a trend of lesbians in general with TIM older brothers. There’s a pattern here, and it’s not a good one.

We need to be talking about this. Stop the silence 📣

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Notes: Trauma Responses

Over-sharing

Over-explaining

Trauma dumping

Hyper-independence

Hypersexualization

People pleasing

Trauma is a mental injury, and our body may react to unconscious memories of significant negative events unknown even to us. Our body subconsciously protects us from future trauma.

How we respond to trauma has consequential implications on how we live our lives. Trauma responses ensure physical and emotional safety; however, these unintended reactions may interfere with our ability to flourish.

Trauma responses are innate; they occur without our consciousness.

A reaction to a perceived threat is called a trauma response. It is a survival instinct; it is reflexive and automatic.

Your body reacts to this perceived threat without your approval. Smells and sounds may remind your clients of the trauma they experienced and bring about memories that perhaps at one time were repressed. Despite the individual’s awareness, the unconscious self still remembers, and the body reacts.

A trauma response is how your nervous system has adapted following a significant situation and can manifest in various ways, whether there is an actual threat, or a threat is perceived.

Trauma responses cause a person to be hypervigilant, which may create an overwhelmed individual under normal circumstances. Contrarily, a person experiencing hypervigilance may also prove to be an effective person during crises. Trauma responses get a bad rap; however, if clients can recognize them, they can prevent them from controlling their lives.

Typical Trauma Response Types

Originally, fight and flight were thought to be the only responses to stress, which focused on the autonomic nervous system (McCarty, 2016; Katz et al., 2021).

Freeze, as a trauma response type, was later developed after observing lab rats in stressful situations (Katz et al., 2021).

Today, the 4 most commonly known trauma response types include fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Each of these actions is an adaptive, functional short-term survival counteraction.

Fight

As we know, the fight response involves combativeness toward the perpetrator. Example demonstrations of fight may include kicking, punching, or threatening the attacker (Katz et al., 2021). It may also include being verbally argumentative and yelling.

If an individual is quick to anger, they may be demonstrating a fight trauma response. This symptom of arousal may indicate self-criticism when someone feels internally threatened (Germer & Neff, 2015).

This reaction may include any attempt to stand up against a threat. It is a form of assertiveness. At a healthy level, it delineates healthy boundaries.

At a primal level, if an animal feels it is being attacked, it may choose to fight back if the threat is manageable. If the animal feels that it cannot successfully fight the threat, it may resort to our next trauma response.

Flight

Flight involves literally or metaphorically running from an actual or perceived danger. It is an act of nonconfrontation and avoidance of a threat. More importantly, it is a biologically determined sequence of responses to stress (Bracha, 2004). Flight is a disengagement from the stress-inducing stimulus. Paired with fight, it is the cornerstone of stress response research by Walter B. Cannon (McCarty, 2016).

Flight may include the habit of leaving the room or fleeing from the home following an argument. It may also include drug and alcohol abuse to avoid emotions. Further, individuals demonstrating the flight response may be disconnected from their family, friends, or coworkers. Someone exhibiting the flight response may isolate themselves.

Over-sharing, over-explaining, and trauma dumping may indicate compartmentalization. If an individual shows compartmentalization, it may mean that they are unconsciously trying to distance themselves from the trauma, thus allowing them to speak of the event nonchalantly.

Further, this practice allows the individual to avoid direct confrontation or processing of the distressing experience. Considering the purpose of divulging the information, this response could also be intended to gain attention (Shabahang et al., 2022), including sympathy or validation.

Individuals may be unconsciously seeking external support or validation to cope with the trauma. Seeking refuge or solace in the empathy or validation of others is an illustration of the flight response.

Hyper-independence occurs when an individual internalizes that dependence on others is unsafe. They avoid asking for help and instead build a wall. This could be a trauma response of flight, as the individual is avoiding an interaction or relationship.

Hypersexualization may also suggest a flight response. Someone who is hypersexual may be fleeing from other emotions.

Likewise, this response may also represent the fawn response as an attempt to please others, which we will discuss later.

Freeze

This is an effective technique when fight or flight are not an option (d’Andrea et al., 2013). When the typical fight-or-flight responses are put on hold, this is considered the freeze response (Kozlowska et al., 2015).

This stress response involves the typical stop, look, and listen response and commands hypervigilance (Bracha, 2004). An individual may resort to this response when assessing a situation. Some suggest this response precedes the fight-or-flight, as the animal or victim is determining which response to employ.

Example: During a bear encounter, physically attacking the bear may be unwise; likewise, running from the bear may not be helpful either. Feigning death may be your way out of this critical situation. This immobility eliminates auditory and visual clues that would otherwise provoke aggression (Baldwin, 2013).

Binge eating could be considered a freeze response (Rodriguez-Quiroga et al., 2021). Instead of facing the situation, a person who engages in binge eating consumes an unusually large amount of food in a relatively short amount of time. This type of food consumption may serve as self-soothing behavior or self-medication.

Eating large quantities of food may induce a dissociative state, thus providing an escape and helping to cope with the overwhelming experience of trauma. This type of eating disorder can be just as dangerous as bulimia and anorexia.

This stress response helps the individual to hide, and it shows that you are not a threat. Further, the person experiencing the freeze response is provided the opportunity to process the threat.

Fawn

This lesser-known and least-understood trauma response may be confused with being a character trait. Arguably, this may be the only response where one engages with the potential threat and attempts to change the other person’s behavior. The trauma response stems from our innate need for social connection and co-regulation.

In this response, a person may mirror the other individual’s gestures, facial expressions, or speech. They are hypervigilant about everyone’s happiness and safety in the room.

Physically speaking, individuals who consistently show fawning as their trauma response may also experience temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ), more commonly known as lockjaw, or pain in their jaw (Kim et al., 2009). They are overly agreeable and frequently sacrifice their boundaries.

For example, a man orders a well-done steak with a side salad from a notable restaurant. What he receives is a steak that is cooked medium rare with a side of French fries. That was not his order; however, he does not bring this oversight to the server’s attention for fear of disappointing someone, whether that be the wait staff or the chef.

People who frequently demonstrate the fawn response may be described as people pleasers, workaholics, over-explainers, and over-apologizers. During a traumatic event, a victim may experience Stockholm syndrome, which is when an individual attempts to appease one’s abuser or captor (Bailey et al., 2023).

Codependency can also be a fawn response (Walker, 2013). This is an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship dynamic involving one person assuming the role of the “giver.” This response may also be referred to as the “friend” and “appease” response.

Lesser-Known Responses to Trauma

Besides the typical fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, there are a few more responses you may not be familiar with. Fright, flag, and faint are a few of the lesser-known trauma responses that are theorized by professionals of this field.

Fright

The fright response indicates tonic immobility. At first, the freeze response was theorized; however, it soon became apparent that this response could be differentiated from fright (Katz et al., 2021).

Similar to freeze and faint, the person experiencing fright will play dead, so to speak (Bracha, 2004). This is better understood when a predator has its prey in its grasp, and the prey goes limp and ceases its struggle to make itself less desirable for consumption. In this case, the fright response involves a heightened state of arousal and readiness to confront or flee from danger.

Flag

The flag response is characterized by numbness of emotion, cognitive failure, a drop in arousal, and surrender. Schauer and Elbert (2015) assert that the flag response is part of a sequence of six fear responses that progress as a function of defense during a life-threatening situation. The cascade consists of the following responses in sequential order: freeze – flight – fight – fright – flag – and faint.

The individual’s attention may be elsewhere, and they may feel like they are observing themself, which is an example of disassociation. This is a built-in defense mechanism that increases pain tolerance or numbs emotional response.

The person who experienced the trauma may exhibit memory lapses as their brain attempts to protect its emotional well-being.

Faint

Also a biologically determined response to acute stress defense, faint is a lesser-known response (Bracha, 2004).

This may also be referred to as the “flop” response, also indicative of tonic immobility and is a preferable option for the body when fight or flight is not possible. A common example of this phenomenon is when a person sees blood and literally faints from the sight of it. They are not “playing dead” as illustrated in the fright response; their body unconsciously suspends movement.

Instead of the arousal and readiness associated with the fright response, this type of response centers around immobility in response to overwhelming stress.

Clients who have been diagnosed with PTSD may benefit from the following techniques:

Sensory Grounding

To help them ground themself and bring awareness, encourage your client to try the following practice: Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

They could also carry a grounding smell, such as a scented lotion, perfume, or cologne, or carry a grounding sensory object, such as a fidget or soft item.

These grounding tools can be used discretely and have profound effects.

Cognitive Grounding

A process where clients must show themselves that they are safe.

They could verbally review the following thoughts: Remind yourself where the trauma occurred and how physically far you are from that location. Remind yourself when the trauma occurred and how long ago that was. Repeat inspiring quotes say coping statements such as:

I can handle this.

These feelings are temporary.

My present situation is different.

Source ⚜ More: Writing Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

[rhiannonsknife]

what abt a pt 2 where Jackie and r are sharing a room while the nationals are happening and after their little.. session they had, r was not talking to Jackie at all not even for team strategies. which made things easier at first for Jackie but she also began to dread it. And at one particular match one of the opponents keeps fouling r to the point that r cant play no longer and Jackie gets really mad and does something to get herself kicked off the pitch and then she storms to the locker room to comfort r

── WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME?

— summary: part 2 of this.

— warnings: as always: implied cheating & internalized homophobia. angst. some nsfw content. so mdni. i did not beta read this. also i don’t know shit about soccer.

jackie thought this would be easier. she had really thought this would be easier.

the moment she told you to stay away after what happened in your involuntarily shared hotel room, she’d convinced herself that it was for the best. that she could pretend it hadn’t happened at all. that she could focus on nationals, on playing her best, on not getting distracted (on, for once, not feeling the constant urge to have you knuckle deep inside her whenever you’re around).

and for the first couple of days, it seemed like her plan was working. you were quiet, distant even, avoiding her in a way that should have been a relief. you didn’t so much as glance in her direction, and when coach called for team strategies or drills, you kept your responses strictly professional, never sparing jackie a single unnecessary word. on the field, you played your own very best and the yellowjackets were on a winning streak.

at first, she appreciated it. you were doing what she’d asked; giving her the space to breathe, to push down the confusing feelings that threatened to overwhelm her every time she thought about the way your lips had felt on hers. the way you felt around her fingers, or sounded like, moaning her name into her ear.

then, jackie started to notice the absence.

you weren’t laughing at shauna’s jokes during warm-ups. you weren’t offering quiet encouragement to the team before a big play. you weren’t you, and jackie hated how much it bothered her.

and now, as she’s watching you take the brunt of foul after foul from one of the opposing players during this match, she realizes just how much it’s been eating away at her.

the atmosphere at nationals is everything they’d hoped for: electric, buzzing with the kind of energy jackie lives for. no match in wiskayok or states could ever compare: the crowd roars, flags waving in a sea of team colors, a sharp contrast to the quieter games back home. it’s is everything you’ve worked for. it’s supposed to be jackie’s moment to shine.

she should be focused, completely dialed in, but her mind keeps slipping.

from the moment the whistle blew, she caught herself sneaking glances in your direction: watching the determined set of your jaw, the way you throw yourself into every play despite the thin layer of tension that still lingers between you two.

jackie forces herself to focus, calling out to shauna as the ball sails across the field. shauna moves into position, linking up with tai to create a well practiced formation. she knows they’re the best team here. she knows they can win this thing easily if she would only focus.

the yellowjackets are good -great, even- but jackie can tell this opposing team is different. they’re aggressive, physical in a way that goes beyond the rules. it’s the only reason they’ve come this far.

she spots it immediately the first time the girl fouls you.

it’s a hard shoulder to the side, not enough to draw the ref’s attention but enough to send you stumbling. you recover quickly, brushing it off like it’s nothing, and jackie tries to shake it off with your same kind of ease. out of all the girl’s on the team, you were always on the rather calm side, never drawing any negative attention on your playing.

but it happens again. and again.

the same girl -tall, broad-shouldered, and wearing a number 8 jersey- zeroes in on you like she’s got something to prove. a shove here, an elbow there, and jackie feels the frustration building every time you go down.

by the first half, it’s impossible to ignore. you’re limping slightly now, favoring one leg, but you haven’t said a word about it to anyone. jackie’s jaw tightens as she watches you adjust your shin guard, her fingers itching to grab you and force you to sit out.

“focus up, jackie!” tai yells in passing, snapping her out of her thoughts as the ball rockets toward their side of the field.

thankfully, her captain instincts finally start to kick in. she redirects the team, shouting commands as she positions herself to intercept the play. for a few fleeting moments, she’s back in the game, back in control.

and then it happens.

number 8 takes you down again, this time with a brutal sweep of her leg. you hit the ground hard, and the sharp whistle of the referee barely registers over the sound of jackie’s own heartbeat pounding in her ears. the opposing player doesn’t even have the decency to look sorry. she smirks as she turns away, and something inside jackie snaps.

“that’s it!” she yells, storming across the field before anyone can stop her.

she shoves the girl, hard enough to make her stumble. serves her right. “what the hell is your problem?” jackie demands sharply.

8 stands, shoving jackie right back. the two of them are nose to nose now. “you’ve been playing dirty all game!” jackie growls, her fists clenched. “don’t think i haven’t noticed. stay away from her!“

the ref, who’s been turning a blind eye to all the fouls against you, finally steps in, blowing the whistle. he’s already annoyed with the confrontation, but jackie’s not done yet. the other girl laughs mockingly and then, she goes too far. she shoves jackie again, and this time it’s not just a gentle push. there’s force behind it. jackie’s chest tightens with a surge of adrenaline, and -all at once- she’s done holding back.

before anyone can stop her, jackie swings. It’s quick, instinctive, and lands right on 8’s nose audibly. the crowd gasps. the ref immediately pulls out the red card, the one that signals ejection from the match.

jackie’s chest rises and falls rapidly, her breath sharp and ragged. she doesn’t even seem to notice the red card being held up in front of her, or the shouting of the other players. she’s focused on one thing and one thing only: you.

“you’re done!” ref calls, his voice firm, cutting through the chaos. jackie doesn’t care. instead she’s turning, walking off the pitch with an intensity in her steps that matches her anger. somewhere behind her, shauna is calling her name, but jackie doesn’t stop. she doesn’t even look back, heading straight for the locker rooms.

when she bursts in, you’re sitting on the bench already, trying to ice your visibly swollen ankle.

“jackie…” you start, startled by her sudden presence, but she cuts you off.

“you’re hurt.” her gaze is hard as she stands in front of you, however her hands tremble at her sides. “that player- she-“

“you don’t need to do that,” you say quietly, lowering your eyes. “i can take care of myself just fine”

jackie pauses, her anger slowly deflating as she watches you with a huff. “why didn’t you tell anyone? why didn’t you let them stop her?” she demands. at least her voice is softer now.

you laugh bitterly, shaking your head.”what are you even doing here already?”

jackie lets out a short, breathy laugh, still a little wound up from what happened on the field. she kneels down in front of you, leaning forward to rest her hands on her thighs, trying to catch her breath. “you really think i’d just let that girl get away with it?”

you stare at her, puzzled, eyes wide, the throbbing pain of your ankle momentarily forgotten. “what do you mean?”

jackie rolls her eyes. “i might have punched her...in the face…and i might’ve gotten kicked off the field…but i wasn’t gonna stand by while she kept fouling you like that!”

for a moment, you’re silent. jackie, the jackie you’ve been avoiding ever since…well, since everything happened, just punched another player on your behalf. she can claim that it’s only because you’re one of her teammates all she wants. you know its not just that: last time shauna was fouled by the defense in another match, she hardly batted an eye: she just scored a stunning penalty kick right into the top left corner of their goal, sending the yellowjackets to the quarterfinals of nationals.

this isn’t about her being the captain, with a certain responsibility. this is about you getting hurt.

knowing that makes your heart beat a little faster.

then again, there’s a deeper part of you that’s conflicted. jackie just did something for you that no one else could. she went against everything she’s been trying to keep her distance from. and now, here she is, back in the locker room, having broken her very own rules all over again.

you swallow, trying to keep your emotions in check. “i didn’t know you cared that much”

jackie meets your gaze, her eyes softening a fraction as she looks at you. “of course i care. you think i’d just let some random player get away with hurting you, especially when it’s been happening all game?”

you stupid heart stirs a little more, but you force yourself to try and push the feeling away. you can’t get lost in this. not now. she said it herself: this is nationals.

“well, thanks,” you say softly “you didn’t have to do that”

jackie’s expression falters for a moment, her lips pulling into a slight pout. “i know i didn’t have to” she looks down at her hands, then back at you. “but i couldn’t just stand there and do nothing…”

a beat of silence passes between you. you both avoid verbalizing the unspoken words hanging in the air. what does this mean? jackie’s gesture feels like it should mean something more.

and, still, you see the way her lips part, the way her chest rises and falls. you both linger in that charged moment, close enough to feel the intensity of the air between you. close enough, even , to feel the warmth of her breath on your face.

it’s just a second -an instant, really- but it feels like it lasts forever. you lean in slightly, jackie kneeling on the floor between your legs. all you can see is the way she’d looked at you that night, lingering above you, pleading you to cum for her. that same girl is in front of you now, just inches away, leaning in to kiss you.

jackie pulls back abruptly, breaking the moment with a quick intake of breath.

the anticipation shatters, vanishes to nothing.

“i’ve been thinking…” she clears her throat and looks away shamefully. your heart drops. “maybe we should just…let it go,”

you blink, confusion creeping up on you. “let it go?”

jackie exhales slowly, rubbing the back of her neck as if trying to find the right words. “yeah. let the…whatever the hell happened between us that night just be…whatever it was” her eyes flicker toward you, still avoiding your gaze. “it was a mistake, you know that. and i don’t want it to mess with the rest of the trip. we’re here to play, not to…complicate things!”

you don’t let your disappointment show. you can’t. you’ve been here before. you know the drill. you’re just a teammate. a friend. and she’s someone else’s girl. she’s jackie taylor. golden girl of wiskayok. team captain of the soon to be national soccer team champions. she’s not yours. she’s not even gay, as she so often reminds you.

you aren’t the same. you can’t just pretend that last night didn’t mean something to you. you still feel the heat of her skin on yours, the way she held you, the way it felt like maybe, just maybe, you were something more than what jackie is suggesting right now.

“yeah. i guess you’re right,” you say, your voice an attempt to sound casual, but your heart’s not in it. if jackie knows you half as much as she will sometimes, when it fits her narrative, claims to, she’ll be able to see right through you. and if she does, she doesn’t let it show.

“friends,” she mutters, as though trying to convince herself as much as you. “it’s the best option. teammates, friends…nothing else. we’re good like this, right?”

you nod, the words stuck in your throat. “yeah,” you finally manage to say, though it feels like a lie. “yeah, we’re good”

you’re not sure how long you’re sitting in the silence of the locker room, jackie’s words replaying in your head. friends. nothing else. jackie, sitting a few feet away, picks at the tape on her shin guards, avoiding your gaze. her jaw is tight, her focus resolutely on the task in front of her like it might keep her thoughts from slipping into dangerous territory.

eventually, the muffled sound of cheers erupts from somewhere outside. you blink, drawn out of your haze. it’s distant, like it’s coming from the stands, and for a moment, both of you freeze.

“did they-“ jackie starts. the door bursts open before she can finish the thought. nat rushes in first, her face flushed with excitement. “we’re going to finals!” she shouts. “we won!”

you are on your feet before the words fully register. her grin is radiant, and despite everything, it tugs at something in you. you can’t help but smile back.

“hell yeah!” jackie shouts, throwing her arms up, momentarily forgetting her red card-induced sidelining. nat is already disappearing back down the hallway, cheering as she leaves, leaving the two of you in the wake of her excitement.

jackie turns to you, her grin faltering for a split second before she catches herself. “guess we’re not going home yet,” she says lightly.

you nod, swallowing the lump in your throat.

the days leading up to the finals are surprisingly… normal. sharing a room with jackie has somehow become easier, the tension between you two settling into something quieter, almost manageable. she’s careful not to cross any lines, and you do your best to pretend that everything is fine. most nights, you fall asleep to the sound of her breathing from the bed beside yours, trying not to think about how much you wish she were closer.

the final game day arrives with a quiet kind of chaos: everyone is jittery, buzzing with a mix of nerves and anticipation. breakfast is loud and hurried, the conversation dominated by what-ifs and strategy talk.

by the time you’re all in the locker room, the energy is electric. the coaches deliver their final pep talks, their words met with nods and murmurs of agreement. jackie’s red card suspension has been lifted, thanks to some technicality that coach martinez fought tooth and nail for, and the relief on her face when she found out was palpable. she’s been in full captain mode ever since, her voice steady and commanding as she rallies the team. it’s the jackie everyone knows, the leader. for a moment, you can almost forget the jackie who whispered your name like a prayer in the dark.

the game itself is brutal.

you’re exhausted by halftime, sweat dripping down your face as you gulp water on the sidelines. jackie, sitting a few feet away, is equally spent but doesn’t show it. she leans forward, her elbows on her knees, her eyes scanning the field.

the second half is even harder: the score remains tied, each team clawing for an edge. jackie is everywhere: pushing past defenders, setting up plays, rallying the team when spirits start to flag.

the clock ticks down, and the tension is unbearable. with less than two minutes to go, jackie gets the ball. she’s at midfield, her path to the goal blocked by only two defenders. for a moment, everything seems to slow down. you can see the determination in her eyes, the way she sets her jaw as she calculates her next move. it’s the same look she’s had at states. right before she scored the winning goal.

then she’s off, cutting through the defense. jackie flakes left, then right, her movements precise. the opponent goalkeeper charges, but she doesn’t falter. instead, she fires the ball toward the net.

it slams right past the girl and into the back of the net.

the final whistle blows. just like that, it’s over. you’ve won.

the others are screaming, hugging, completely overcome with the weight of the victory. you’re champions. national champions.

you stand frozen for a moment, stunned. the chaos swirls around you: van jumping into taissa’s arms, shauna laughing breathlessly, but your gaze cuts right through it, landing on her: jackie is at the center of it all, her face lit up proudly while the other yellowjackets swarm her, pulling her into a mass of celebratory hugs. she’s laughing, elated and beautiful. then her eyes meet yours.

before you can even think, you’re moving, your legs carrying you across the field. jackie breaks away from the group just as you reach her, like she’s been waiting for you all along.

the impact knocks the air out of you when you wrap your arms around her, but you don’t care. her body is warm against yours, still buzzing with the same energy that carried her through the game. you bury your face in her neck, and the scent of sweat, grass, and the faintest trace of her perfume fills your senses. it’s overwhelming. intoxicating in a way that only leaves you clinging to her even harder.

“you did it,” you breathe against her skin. “jackie, you did it!”

when you pull back, your hands linger on her arms, your fingers brushing against her skin. jackie’s eyes are bright, her smile softer now. it’s in that moment, with the roar of the crowd fading into the background and jackie still holding onto you like you’re the only thing keeping her grounded, that you realize it once more:

you’re in love with her, hopelessly so. there’s nothing jackie can say or do that’ll undo what has happened between you. you’ve just won the national championship, and yet the only thing you care about is her. not the victory, not the title, not the way she others pull you in all over again, lifting jackie up over their heads. shauna and tai hoist her onto their shoulders, the team cheering louder as they parade her around like the hero she is. she laughs but even then, as she throws her arms out, her gaze keeps finding yours.

all of it is white noise to you, drowned out by the way your heart aches for her. for jackie, the girl you’ve been in love with all along.

even the plane ride back to wiskayok is still filled with laughter and celebration. the team is crammed into the too-small seats, the aisle filled with chatter, half-shouted stories of the game blending into the hum of the engines. van, a few rows back, holds court with her usual flair, dramatically reenacting jackie’s winning goal. “and then: bam! top corner!” she exclaims, raising her arms like she’s the one scoring the goal all over again.

shauna, seated just ahead of van, rolls her eyes at the performance, but even she can’t fight the small, amused smile tugging at her lips. it’s softer than you’ve seen in weeks, the tension that had been hanging over all of you finally giving way to relief.

jackie sits beside her, her head leaning against the window. she’s been quieter since the game ended, her energy subdued, though she’s smiled for every photo, every cheer, every teammate slinging an arm around her. now, as the plane dips lower, the landscape of new jersey coming into view, she turns to you briefly, her lips curling into a small smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“you okay?” you hear shauna ask, her voice low. jackie’s attention shifts to her and just like that, the moment is over.

“yeah,” she replies, her voice almost drowned out by another round of laughter from van’s direction.

the plane lands with a jolt, and the team gathers their bags and spills out into the terminal.

van is still recapping highlights to anyone who will listen, gesturing wildly as tai nudges her forward. nat lags behind, whereas misty chatters at an exasperated coach martinez, her bag swinging dangerously close to his knee. everyone still seems too giddy to settle down just yet.

that’s when you spot him: jeff is leaning against a pillar near the baggage claim, his letterman jacket slung over one shoulder. there’s an edge of excitement as his eyes lock onto jackie.

your stomach twists as he steps forward, arms open.

you don’t even need to glance at jackie to know what’s coming, yet you can’t stop yourself. your gaze drifts to her, and the shift in her demeanor is immediate:

it’s like a mask slipping into place, a version of jackie you’ve seen a hundred times before but can’t stand to watch now. she meets him halfway, throwing her arms around his neck as jeff pulls her in for a kiss. it’s too much, too public, too perfect. she’s never been this affectionate with you in front of anyone before and now she’s clinging to him like she can’t bear to let go, her laugh too bright, her smile too wide.

you stand frozen, your bag slipping slightly from your shoulder as you watch jackie kiss him again. you try to tell yourself it doesn’t matter, that it’s all for show. that she’s just playing the part she’s always been told to play. but the way jackie looks at him is enough to shatter whatever fragile hope you’ve been holding onto.

the rest of the team starts to disperse, everyone heading off in their own directions, but you can barely move. jeff drapes his arm around her shoulder as they turn toward the exit, his voice low and teasing as she tilts her head up at him, laughing again, the sound growing fainter as they walk away.

most of the girls are gone by the time you snap out of it. from the corner of your eye, you notice nat still hanging around; she’s leaning against a wall nearby, her duffel bag slung over her shoulder. when your eyes meet, she pushes off of it and walks over.

“need a walk-out?” she asks casually.

you hesitate, then shrug. “sure. why not?”

the two of you walk in silence through the terminal, the automatic doors hissing open as the evening air hits your face. outside, the parking lot is dotted with cars and families, a chaotic mix of reunions and goodbyes. you glance around, half-hoping your parents will already be there so you can get away. no such luck.

nat pulls a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket, tapping one out and holding it between her lips as she flicks her lighter. “you okay?” she asks, breaking the silence. her voice is low, her words unusually measured.

you shrug again, kicking at a loose pebble on the ground. “yeah. why wouldn’t i be?”

nat raises an eyebrow and takes a drag from her cigarette. “because i’m not blind,” she says matter of factly.

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

the faintest hint of a smirk tugs at her lips. “just saying…i’ve been paying attention. you and taylor aren’t exactly subtle, you know?”

you face heats up, and you cross your arms, looking away. “we’re just friends,” you mumble, the words -jackie’s words- bitter in your mouth.

nat laughs, shaking her head. “yeah, sure. friends.” she pauses. “look, i’m not gonna give you some big speech or anything, but…i’m sorry. i know it sucks” she flicks the ash from her cigarette, watching the glow of the embers fade in the breeze. “jackie is… jackie,” she continues, her voice quieter now. “she’s always gonna want to be what everyone else needs her to be. you don’t have to do the same”

you blink at her, “what are you saying?”

“i’m saying, let it go. before it messes you up worse than it already has.”

you don’t respond, the words caught in your throat. nat seems to sense it, because she pats your shoulder lightly and steps back. “your parents are here,” she says, nodding toward a car pulling up nearby.

you glance over, and sure enough, your mom is leaning out the driver’s side window, waving you over. when you turn back to nat, she’s already walking away, her bag slung over her shoulder again.

“hey, nat,” you call after her. she stops, glancing back at you with a raised brow. “thanks,” you say, though you’re not entirely sure what you’re thanking her for.

nat nods anyway, a small smile flickering across her face before she turns and disappears.

you sigh, hoisting your bag over your shoulder as you head toward the car.

by the time you get home, the celebration feels like something you imagined instead of lived. your family is thrilled, of course, their pride radiating off them as they shower you with congratulations, asking for every detail about the game and the trophy.

you mumble something about being tired, brushing off their excitement with a weak smile before retreating to your room.

only there, it really hits you.

the frustration, the hurt, the overwhelming ache of wanting something you can’t have. it bubbles up inside you until you can’t hold it in anymore.

you grab your pillow, pressing it to your face, and scream into the fabric. tears burn hot against your cheeks, spilling over as you bury your face deeper into the plush. your shoulders shake with the effort of holding it all in, even though there’s no one around to witness it.

the unfairness of it all claws at you. the way jackie can kiss you like the world starts and ends with you, only to turn around and act like it meant nothing to her. she can smile so effortlessly at jeff, leaning into him like he’s the answer to everything, when you know that he’s not.

you can still feel the ghost of her lips on yours, the touch of her fingers. you still hear her laugh echoing in your ears, but it’s all tainted now, wrapped up in the image of her clinging to him at the airport as if you were never even there.

but the worst part, the part that truly breaks you, is knowing that even if she never chooses you, you’ll never stop waiting for her to.

[dontlookatmytmntcollection]

hey so how do you think the bay boys would deal with having a s/o who sometimes randomly cups their cheeks and gives them forehead kisses and then a kiss on the mouth while saying they love them or call them handsome and then they proceed to leave unless their boyfriend yanks them into a hold so they stay put? Happens once a day as long as s/o is not feeling negative vibes?

Affectionate S/Os are treasures to be protected, and I agrue every single Bayverse guy NEEDS an affectionate S/O like this.

But everyone has a different personality, right? I think Raph and Donnie need physical affection like this the most, but Mikey and Leo would be the ones most likely to initiate this kind of thing to you. But anyway-

This is how THEY react.

Enjoy!

Random Kisses X Bayverse Turtles

Mikey

-Loves that you do this shit often enough that he can pretend he's the shit.

-Thinks it's funny when your kissing and babying him and he can preen.

-Looking around the room like he's a big, strong man that owns world while you are making "kiskiskiskiskis" noises to his cheeks.

-Also loves to play victim.

-Is the boyfriend that, if asked, "Do you need kisses?" Mikey'll curl up under you and nod pathetically- even if he had an awesome day.

-"You okay, baby?" You ask.

-"Mmm." He makes a dismissive noise into your chest.

-"You need kisses, baby?" You ask.

-"Mmhm." He moans sadly.

-You press hundreds of those tiny, rabid fire kisses to the scales of his scalp.

-Then when you stop your met with another sad, pathetic groan.

-Mikey is also the boyfriend most likely to give you the same disgusting treatment. -Always looking for an opportunity for ambush kisses.

-Be careful

Leo

-He doesn't like it if he's already overwhelmed or preoccupied

-It can overstimulate him

-But he NEEDS that connection. He needs affection.

-if things are calm, if all the chores are done and it's time to decompress and relax (something he's learning how to do)

-and he's sitting down or curled up with you-

-he compelelty melts. Literally. Physically into you.

-he usually tries to hide his smile or stop himself from laughing.

-"Stopp, this isn't-" "staap"

-Its so fucking adorable. He's fun cuz he can be that fucking awesome, badass, highly specialized and experienced superhero- then also be a needy cuddle bug that practically begs for attention and needs to be held all the time.

-he also the second most likely brother to give the same treatment.

-Loves to surpise you with kisses and hugs.

Raph

-He's had a very difficult time reciprocating this level of cuteness to you without prompt, its something he's working on

-However

-In front of people, he's all like, "Ew. No. Stop. Get off me. This is dumb. I'm a man."

-Then during cuddle times HES the one who crawls into your lap and kinda just...begs with his eyes.

-Also he's hilarious because he sucks, SUCKS at pretending he doesn't actually freakn love it.

-It's hard for him to NOT smile around you when he wants to. So if your ambushing him infront of others or by himseld he's like, trying to push you away while saying, "S-stop, no." But his smile is super wide and he can't look at you in the eyes

-It's disgusting 😭

-Its also extremely meaningful to him, when you do this. Gets him feeling attractive and adored- he won't admit it but it's kinda hard for him to hide that he's flattered too.

-If he's been having a hard, overwhelming season and you pull that while alone with him, it's a struggle not to pull you closer and cry.

Donnie

-Unlike Leo, this is the best way to distract Donnie.

-If he's feeling overwhelmed by work or tasks- calling his name then grabbing his cheeks and kissing him all over will turn his internal world into a very quiet, loving place instantly.

-Hes usually pretty confident, and it's easy for him to talk, but if you do this he'll get all shy and embarrassed

-His smile is super wide and he pulls his head back on his neck while trying to lean away or avoid looking at you

-It's SO fucking cute

-The hardest part about this is if he's not sitting down-

-This shit is extremely difficult

-I don't care how tall you are. Donnie is taller and it's DIFFICULT to ambush him with face or head kisses.

-You just know 90% of your relationship with from his perspective is you looking up at him doing grabby fingers

-Good luck with that

[songmingisthighs]

Pitiful, You’re Pitiful

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ch. vii

group : ateez

pairing : aged up!wooyoung × aged up!reader

genre : angst, mature

word count : 3.4 k

warning : mentions of miscarraige, negative depiction of wooyoung, cheating

a/n : i finally got over my writer's block for this series.

a/a/n : happy new year

buy me coffee ?

For the first time in weeks, you woke up feeling better, lighter even.

It wasn't just because for the first time in a while, you had slept on a real bed instead of your couch.

It was Dayoung's idea which surprised you. She had come to you a couple of nights prior, avoiding your eyes and blushing which made you almost equally nervous because she seemed like she was going to confess to a crime. It was Woohyun who told you that Dayoung had suggested for you three to sleep together in Woohyun's room (because you wouldn't want to sleep in a teenage girl's room filled with posters of whichever band she was fawning over staring at you at the dead of night and her dirty laundry strewn everywhere like a modern art installation) where she had taken her and Woohyun's mattresses, put them together in a way you three could be comfortable.

To say that you were beyond touched was an understatement but knowing that it was your daughter, you knew you needed to play it cool or else she wouldn't want to take credit. So while you wanted to sob while hugging your daughter, you simply nudged her shoulder and made a lame joke to which she rolled her eyes and called you a nerd but didn't bother to hide her amused smile.

For the first time ever, you slept through the night between your children; Woohyun was firmly attached to your side with his limbs wrapped around your body and Dayoung facing the other side but she kept her body close to you. Even though you were having such a rough time with your husband, you felt somewhat happy that your children were getting close to you.

On top of that, you were somewhat amused that Wooyoung had been showing considerable shame through the whole ordeal. He had the decency to skulk around whenever he saw you and took care of himself and his own needs without bothering you. Sure, you still include his portion when you cook and you still urge your children to spend time with their father (no matter how reluctant Dayoung was), but it was as if you both were separated.

It was hard living as such because you still loved Wooyoung no matter his mistake. You knew you could never tell any one of your friends about your feelings because they would remind you how he cheated on you with his own employee, how he used your miscarriage against you, and how he was just an overall asshole, completely skipping over the fact that you had spent almost two decades together, completely skipping over how you two shared so much love for each other, completely skipping over your history, and completely skipping over the fact that the two of you were bound together forever through your children. To say that you should lose all the love you have had and still have for your husband is to say that you should turn your back on the pieces of your husband in your children. It was to say that you should not find joy in the way Woohyun cackles like his dad or you should not be touched by the way Dayoung show her love and care by doing something for someone. Your friends, especially your girlfriends would not understand your predicament and they never will.

That's why you went to the one person you know might.

"Thanks for sparing your time for me," you smiled sheepishly at Yunho who chuckled as he sat himself down with his cup of coffee. "Hey, you're saving me from having to deal with the academy's internal business so I should thank you," he pointed out.

You had a feeling that one of the things he meant was the situation you created, the possible internal People investigation and possibly Harin trying to fight the academy back because as promised, her reputation was absolutely tarnished. Not to mention Wooyoung being put on leave for his injured back and then being put on administrative leave for his inappropriate action must have ruined their internal scheduling. Along with the entire mood of the academy, considerably.

"How are things? How are the guys there?" You asked after taking a sip of your peach tea. Yunho pursed his lips, mulling over how to share the discourse between the friend group. How was he supposed to tell you that everyone was split by their own convictions; Hongjoong who only focused on the operations of the business, Seonghwa who was worried about what was right after facing you himself, Yunho who was obviously on your side, Yeosang who felt conflicted and in disbelief over his friend's action, San who felt completely betrayed as a man of big moral and feelings, Mingi who kept making comparisons of what he would and wouldn't do if he was Wooyoung like a show of moral superiority, and Jongho who was just tired of the drama and wanted the workplace to return to its normalcy without all the cheating.

"The guys are focused on their own things, we can't seem to meet up a lot outside of work these days," Yunho smiled, hoping that it would satisfy your curiosity. Seeing as to how you simply nodded and didn't ask any follow-up questions, Yunho felt a bit glad. Or, he did felt glad until you suddenly cleared your throat and the aura shifted to a more serious one. "I actually called you because I have something to talk about and I couldn't think of anyone other than you to talk to." Yunho was quite surprised because you two had never gotten to a level of friendship where you would talk about secrets or break big news to each other. To be quite frank, the two of you had never really shared anything personal, ever. You two were connected through Wooyoung and neither one of you had initiated a more platonically intimate relationship. Heck, you both don't even have each other's numbers saved and you had to look for it from the group chat Seonghwa made for Hongjoong's surprise birthday party two years ago. Yunho loved you as his friend's wife and he had grown considerable admiration for you for supporting Wooyoung all these years which was why Wooyoung's betrayal of you hit him so hard.

With an eyebrow raised, Yunho stared at you, trying to see whether he should brace himself for bad news or good news. The two of you sat slightly tense, facing each other while the rest of the cafe went on, oblivious to your situation.

"I'm pregnant."

Silence.

The sound of the coffee machine whirring and steam hissing along with other customers that was so prominent suddenly died down in Yunho's ears and he couldn't help but stare at you with wide eyes and jaw hanging open. His brain was trying so hard to process your words, repeating what you said over and over again as if it was something hard to comprehend but it isn't, it absolutely isn't.

"Hello?" You waved a hand in front of Yunho, trying to break his trance, "Yunho, did you hear me?"

Yunho seem to broke out of his trance once you called his name with a shake of his head. When your words finally sunk in, Yunho gasped and rushed out of his chair to hug you, taking you completely by surprise. "Oh my God, congratulations, (y/n)! Your third child, finally!" he shakily exhaled out of excitement. His energy rubbed off on you because at his congratulatory sentiment, you chuckled and patted him on the back, "Thank you so much, Yunho, I truly appreciate it."

Once Yunho got back to his seat, another realization dawned on him. "Wait, when did this happen? With what's going on with you and Wooyoung, how is this gonna work?" he asked, genuinely concerned. His questions didn't catch you by surprise as it was also something you had been thinking about a lot recently. "If you're asking me when I last slept with Wooyoung, I will actually buy a bagel and smack you with it," Yunho couldn't help but chuckle at your feistiness, "But... About how this is going to work with me and Wooyoung... I actually don't know. Hell, even if we don't put the baby in question, I don't know how things are going to be like with Wooyoung," you sighed. Yunho pursed his lips, thinking, "Well, have you thought about it before? Are you still going to stay with him?" Had someone else asked that question, you would have taken somewhat of an offence because the question would have most definitely come from a place of judgment, like as if you don't know that divorce is an option and that they would bring up some spiel about women empowerment, girl power, and equality as if those had anything to do with your situation as if there was only you and he in the equation and not your two children. But you know Yunho meant well and his question came out of curiosity and worry. "Honestly, I don't think I want to leave Wooyoung over this," you said, voice low and eyes glued to your intertwined fingers as if ashamed or scared that Yunho would react badly to your answer.

Thankfully, Yunho nodded at your answer knowingly and in full understanding, "Because you two had been together for so long and had been in love for so long that you can't imagine a life without him." Your head snapped up and almost immediately, a huge wave of relief washed over you, "Exactly. I... I can't just leave him, he's my husband for goodness sake, to me, that means something because when I said my wedding vows, I really meant it!" "So, you still uphold the part where you said 'through snotty nose and cheesy prose, I'll love you and your stubby toes'?" Yunho teased, making you roll your eyes, "Of course, you'd remember the part that mentioned toes. You're not beating your feetish allegations here, Yunho," you pointed back teasingly, causing Yunho to laugh.

When his laughter died down, he went back to being serious but still maintaining casualness as to not stress you out. "But really, have you... Tried imagining a life without him?"

At that, you closed your eyes and released a long exhale. "I see... Myself doing my normal routine; waking up, preparing breakfast, getting the kids up. This, this is not my current house, this is a small, cozy apartment somewhere in a neighbourhood that's not too packed and is very kid-friendly. It's cute, I can tell I decorate it but the kids have their things everywhere; Woohyun has his drawings on the fridge, and Dayoung has her things strewn on the couch. I see the kids, Dayoung and Woohyun running out of their rooms, heading straight for the food and,,, and... and there he is, our new baby in his playpen. He looked around one, with the brightest smile and gosh, he has Wooyoung's mole under his eye, a real copy of him and I love him so much. I see all this... Togetherness but I feel incomplete, like something is missing. There is so much happiness but my smile never seems to reach my eyes. I feel... Empty inside. Then... The bell rang. I open the door and I see Wooyoung, standing alone. He looked... Tired. He usually wear sharp, clean outfits but this time he's just wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants and he look... Sad. Like me. He came in and the kids greeted him, saying that they missed him and two five days was too long. Wooyoung went to play with the baby and I felt... Weird. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to ask how he was doing and why he looked so... Fragile. But instead, I hid in the kitchen, pretending to be so occupied by the dishes. The kids then came out with their bags, asking me to not forget the things that needed tending over the weekend. The more they spoke about what they had planned with Wooyoung for the weekend, the harder it was for me to breathe. There's this... Nagging thought in my head that while the baby can't go with them now, he's going to be able to go with them soon to stay at Wooyoung's and it hurts to think that I would be spending days without my children, I would be missing days I could spend with them until they grow up and have their own lives. I imagine... It would be even harder for Wooyoung because he'd have even fewer days with them than I do and it's sad. It's so, so sad. I could see Wooyoung looking at me and vice versa. There is so much emotion, so many things unsaid. But with the things that happened, the decisions we took..." You slowly opened your eyes and felt your eyes sting, "And I don't want there to be such pain in my family."

Seeing you cry made Yunho's heart clench but he knew that his capabilities to help you were limited so he rushed to the cashier with a stack of tissue and offered it to you, making you chuckle at the amount he brought. "Sorry, I... I didn't mean to cry," you shakily said, cheeks burning out of embarrassment. Yunho immediately shook his head, "No, this is nothing compared to Mingi bawling because his favourite anime was ending," he scoffed. Knowing how passionate Mingi was with his anime, you knew how bad his crying must have been and you couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of a 6 ft man needing to be comforted like a baby in public.

Once you wiped all the tears and snot away, Yunho opened his mouth again, "I don't mean to make this seem so negative nor am I steering you into a certain direction or opinion, I just want to cover all the bases," you nodded in understanding, "Have you considered that it might not be that bad? I've seen other people who were better off being divorced and their kids seem all the better for it." To that, you couldn't help but smile softly, "Wooyoung and I are not like other people, our family was never like other people's."

Hearing you still felt so strongly about Wooyoung despite everything, brought a feeling of newfound respect in Yunho for you. A lot of people had been talking in the academy, people who were not in their inner circle that the reason why Wooyoung was not back to work yet was because you had left him and with what people know, they found entertainment it, deeming that he deserved to be left. While they tried their best to shut the conversation down, they couldn't help but have their opinion slightly swayed, skewed in your favour but leaning more towards condemning their own friend due to his action. They started putting themselves in your shoes, thinking what they would do had they been in your situation, had they been betrayed the way you had been. All of them imagined, and thought, and analyzed, and guessed, but here you were, the actual person who was experiencing the actual event, showing more humanity than anyone else ever could.

"I don't really talk about this, but my family has a past with cheating and while everyone acted like it was no big thing, I reacted rather poorly. I was one of those people who claimed that anyone who had been cheated should just leave their partner who cheated, I was rather adamant and I voiced my opinion rather obnoxiously. Because of that, I received a harsh talking to because my opinion, my belief was hurting the person who actually had to endure the pain. I was told that divorce should be plan zzz because marriage is a TON of work and people have the right to not want to do a lot of work but they should not get married. I was told that no one can come into marriage thinking "I could just get a divorce" because then your subconscious is already tainted and you will end up working your marriage towards a divorce. I was told that hard work happens every day in a marriage, not just when you go through hard things. When I got married, I learned what that actually meant because one day I was all lovey-dovey and so in love and I couldn't get enough of Wooyoung and the next, I wanted to strangle him just because he was breathing wrong when he was sleeping. Not to mention the kids, you know, people think that Woohyun is an angel, but he has his demons and Dayoung, as much as she's a handful, has her sweet moments too. I worked so hard for my marriage, my family. So in conclusion, I am... Painfully aware of what Wooyoung did and how it affected me and I don't think I can forgive him now but maybe it will happen... When or if I start working hard towards it. But I will never forget."

"So... You're really staying with him?" Yunho asked. You weren't sure what to answer because honestly, you're aware that any sane person with any self-respect who knew they could never forget what their partner did would have run far far away and started anew, those with or without children. So why couldn't you? Instead, you shrugged at Yunho, "I don't know, I'll have to see how we're going to work through this," you stated. "And... The baby?" "I'm planning on going to the hospital today to get the baby checked out. With what has been going on, I haven't had the time for a check-up since the last time." Yunho furrowed his eyebrows at your statement, "Last time? When was 'last time'?" "Remember the first time we found out Wooyoung was cheating on me? When he first hurt his back and Harin pretended to be his wife?"

For the second time that day, Yunho felt his jaw hang open in surprise. "You've known you were pregnant for so long and you didn't tell anyone!?" he screeched. "Well, I didn't know what to say or who to tell! It wasn't like the moment was right, I was stressed, under a lot of pressure, and I had now-things to worry about and deal with!" you defended.

Yunho slumped on his chair and huffed. "Well... When are you planning on telling Wooyoung about the baby? Do you need help or company?" he offered. You smiled and shrugged, "I'm planning on telling him with the ultrasound of the baby but I have to deal with getting Dayoung and Woohyun from the academy so it's-" "Hey, I can help get them!" Yunho said. You raised an eyebrow at him, "What?" "Yeah, yeah! I totally can help you get Dayoung and Woohyun from the academy! I'm going back there after this anyways, so it's perfect!" The way he got excited at the prospect of helping you was endearing and it helped made you feel... Seen.

"No, no, Yunho, I can't let you do that because Woohyun can be a handful and Dayoung finishes her classes an hour after Woohyun so you're gonna have to entertain Woohyun for a bit so-" "Which will be fine since I promised to teach him some new games!"

It was clear that Yunho was trying so hard to be useful. Not that usually he isn't, but you really didn't want to bother him.

"I don't know..." You sighed.

Yunho leaned on the table, looking into your eyes, "I can assure you that I can do this and I want to help. Please? So you'll have one thing less to worry about."

How could you say no when he was being so nice?

With a final sigh, you nodded. "Fine, but once any of them give you trouble-" "I'll send them to you in a bag," Yunho assured, saluting you. You rolled your eyes at him, "Bags might not be enough to contain them," you teased, causing Yunho to chuckle.

You said your goodbyes to each other, hugging in front of the cafe while thanking each other. You, because Yunho spared his time to talk, and Yunho, because you shared some very personal information and trusted him.

When you got into your car, you leaned back and closed your eyes as you waited for the engine to properly turn on. Whilst waiting, you felt your phone vibrate and you noticed it was a message from Wooyoung.

'Hey, I know you're out right now but I think we need to talk when you come back.'

"That makes two of us, bud," you scoffed before you tossed your phone to the passenger seat. Huffing one last time, you looked down at your stomach and smiled a little.

"Let's go give your daddy the heart attack he's due."

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