#how do you think i handle the medical system?

[i-like-gay-books]

long post so i GUESS i’ll put it under the cut

so i’ve been really reflecting lately on my self diagnosis of autism, especially since i’ve been really coming into myself and managing my anxiety better than ever before, and ive been wondering whether it might be that the symptoms i thought were attached to being autistic are just how anxiety manifests in me and the things about myself that i thought proved that i dont have adhd in any way may also just be how anxiety manifests in me. because also even though ive really related with autism and the social symptoms, i’ve never really been sure i have sensory processing issues, at least not to the extent that the dsm specifies in order to be autistic. and what i really HAVE related to is the inability to just sit down and get shit done. so i took another self assessment with this clearer knowledge i have of myself and how i really function as a human being when im on my own and living as an adult and

the only ones that arent high levels are literally the ones that i can directly pinpoint as one of my biggest concerns with my anxiety. impulsivity is the one that makes adhders more likely to butt into conversations or keep going on for a long time or make decisions and later regret them. as you may have noticed i am particularly long winded when im typing, but is that true of me in real life? like at all? not really. i struggle to get two words out sometimes. i was selectively mute in my childhood. i can say for a fact that the reason for this in my hyper-awareness of the potential of making a faux pas or embarrassing myself in social situations. and i have decision paralysis due to the same phenomenon. im very aware of the potential of disappointing other people if i make a bad decision. im not sure if impulsivity would manifest itself in the “typical” adhd way if my anxiety wasn’t there, but i have no way of ever knowing that because it is.

and forgetfulness. i beat that shit out of myself when i was younger. i can clearly remember a time in elementary school, then in middle school, then in high school (before i started writing sticky notes for myself) when i would get myself in trouble just simply because of forgetting about assignments. my family is very academically oriented. my parents wouldnt be SUPER mad at me if i was trying my best and didnt get good grades, but i knew they would be disappointed if i didnt try my best. i have so many systems in place so as to never ever forget about schoolwork any more. you have no clue how revolutionary it is for me that college professors actually put all of the assignments for the semester of the syllabus. one of my biggest gripes about high school was that the teachers would just assign homework seemingly at random? it was easy to forget if you werent writing it all down, ok? and for appointments? same deal. my parents kind of took care of the remembering appointments part before i got older and by now i do have these systems in place for myself. i do often forget to make calls, mostly because i dont make a point of writing it down as a task for myself because making calls gives me anxiety. yeah.

also i sat here and took this assessment and wrote all of this instead of working on my 2000 word midterm paper due next tuesday for which i have exactly one sentence written. listen, procrastination is a universal trait, but i just felt like it was relevant.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

A fierce duel commences!

[thegreatyin]

to put a long story short: at the end of ffxiv's base game, literally Directly before the beginning of its first expansion (heavensward), there is a series of quests and story arcs that eventually snowball into an hour-long cutscene in which the entire thing comes to a head in the literal worst way possible. like, "the hero's plans all go horribly wrong and several major characters die onscreen, with others going missing (presumed dead), eventually culminating in the player character being framed for the murder of the leader of a nation-state and being Literally Forced To Flee The Country" wrong.

heavensward leads directly on from this plotline. you arrive at the major location of the expansion in the midst of seeking asylum whilst being a wanted criminal everywhere else in the world right now. it's like. A Whole Thing. the game makes such a big deal out of it all. the fandom does as well. and for good reason!! it's a really good moment!!!!!!

and then roughly 1/3rds of the way into heavensward you find out that literally none of it mattered. nobody important actually died, no changes were actually made to the status quo, and nothing comes of being literally kicked out of the country for (what is implied to be) several in-universe weeks, if not months. None Of It Mattered. None.

TLDR; the bloody banquet is a major, exciting, and very infamous twist that seems like it's going to segway into a MAJOR upheaval of the status quo and some really intriguing ramifications for the story as a whole... and then heavensward does away with literally all of that and practically writes the entire thing off as a waste of time.

you may be able to see why i'm so salty about it.

[seafoam-taide]

I feel insane. Listening to some people talk about struggling with balanced consistent eating and out of every point they make to why it's a struggle they keep circling back to its so expensive. I feel like. Can people hear themselves. Does anyone hear how insane that sounds. Food is hard because it's so expensive. Food. That thing you need to. You know. Survive. To live . The most basic. Food is so expensive nowadays it's so hard to eat enough. HELLO? THAT'S INSANE

[r0-boat]

I have a request:

Levi x Mc x Asmo, double teaming, creampie, whatever floats you boat just PLZ I need the mc to be sandwiched in between them-

🌸

aaaaAAAAAAAAA

This is the hardest thing I've ever written.

How the fuck do you make two demons that are least likely to share you fuck you till you pass out...? Alcohol...

Jealous F*ck

Cw: drinking/alcohol, drunk devils, ooc Asmo because he didn't turn anything into an orgy lol, ooc Levi because he didn't straight up murder Asmodeus, degrading, double penetration, Size Kink, slight breeding, creampie, possessiveness, two devils One hole, there's only one-bed trope, etc

Your worst nightmare has come. You could barely handle these two demons on their own, but now here they were in a drunken haze as they pulled you like a tug of war.

It was a good idea in theory to have the kings get together for drinks, in theory.

You've never seen Belphegor sleep in such an uncomfortable position. The moment the alcohol affected his system, He slept like the dead. You hope Beleth comes back to pick him up.

Beelzebub is straight-up gone. Usually, he sticks around with you wherever you are, but it seems like his drunken mind has other plans. He drags Satan and Mammon in together, and they laugh about partying in Abyssos.

Lucifer doesn't drink. You understand that completely He's probably already getting a headache knowing that the kings will be so hungover they'll be asking him for medication later.

That just leaves you with two.

Leviathan, who wasn't fond of alcohol since he would rather not be caught making a fool of himself, was coaxed into drinking. He's relatively the same, all things considered, just weirdly clingy to you now. You tried so hard to pry him off you; He doesn't even say anything, has his arms wrapped around you, attached to you like a barnacle to a ship. Glaring at everyone who came even close to you.

And Asmodeus, who was already shit-faced, giggled and murmured to himself as he lays on the countertop. You don't want to know what his right hand was doing underneath the table.

You wanted to get these two home fast especially Asmodeus, Who seems calm at first, but there's no telling what drunk Asmodeus will do. In this state he was practically a ticking horny time bomb.

Damn you Beelzebub this was your idea in the first place!

You're lucky that some of the bars in Abyssos have rooms. You drag Leviathan by the collar, Asmo follows you complacently like a lovestruck fool clinging to your shirt until you reach one of the rooms. That was until the peace was disturbed when you felt weight lean on you. Asmodeus wraped his arms around you nuzzling into your neck. "Let's share room together darling! I want you so bad."

Leviathan snarled Your hand still on his collar as he grabs you and pulls you to his chest. You could hear a slight slur in his voice "If They share a room with you they might catch an STD! Go fuck yourself!"

Asmodeus, not amused but not entirely surprised by how possessive Leviathan is, smirks. "Oh please. I am as clean as I am beautiful; and besides You think I haven't already done that? You're just mad at that MC doesn't scream your name is loud as they do mine."

Taunting the king of envy was not a good idea. He already feels jealousy bubbling from how good looking Asmodeus was. His mind swirling with thoughts of Asmo stealing you from him. He could not have that. You could see a vein on his head as he snarls "I'm surprised they can even feel anything with your shrimp dick inside them."

You look back and see Asmodeus, his eyebrow twitching... Oh God... You slipped out of Leviathan's hands to talk to The bartender. Only to come back with a blank expression on your face. Both demons look at you with confusion As you finally get the courage to tell them. "There's only one bedroom available..." You squeak. You could hardly believe it either. You read this shit in a fanfiction once. You're not sure if you're blessed or cursed for that trope to become a reality today of all days.

L

The two Kings looked pissed, at the very notion of having you be in same room as another man. Asmodeus had a rare look of annoyance on his face. Sure, he could just send you to Abbaddon if it wasn't for the fact that he was probably too drunk to use his teleportation magic.

An idea entered his mind, That look of annoyance wiped away into a smirk.

Perhaps instead, he could put the king of envy in his place. The second the two of you walked in, the door to the room was magically locked. Asmodeus grabs hold of you and sits on the bed with you in his lap. The King of Envy's eyes widen as Asmodeus looks back, giving him a smirk. With a hand on your neck and this other slipping underneath your clothes, peeling down just enough for him to see the mark he put right underneath your tummy, which now gave off a faded glow. The mark he gave you was working its magic, making you more sensitive; each small gentle stroke of his fingers gliding underneath your clothes sent shivers down your spine.

Leviathan grits his teeth, seeing the glow of Asmodeus's mark, The fierce look in his eyes focused on you makes you roll your hips against the hard cock underneath you as Levi crawls on top of you his lips immediately going for your neck, He swipes his tongue up before pressing his lips down gently sucking. That gentleness did not last His hand forcefully yanking down your pants and underwear.

Leviathan takes full control as his fingers play with your sensitive parts. Your whole body shakes, gasping and moaning as asmodeus magic make you feel extremely sensitive. Levi's teasing alone could make you cum.

Asmodeus should be mad that Leviathan just took you from him, but honestly, from the way you are shaking and grinding against him, whining and gasping, pleading for more, it was incredibly hot. The king of lust has had threesomes before, but never with another king, in this opportunity sharing you are not was to delicious to pass up.

"grinding against my cock as another man touches you. Such a slut~."

Asmodeus grins Is he buries his face in your hair taking in your scent. Leviathan's brows scrunch as he growls when he feels you grind against his palm.

"You're getting off to this? Worthless whore, One just isn't enough for you is it?" Levi hissed The tips of your fingers pressing against your hole threatening to penetrate.

Asmodeus hums and delight watching your back arch when thick fingers slowly glide inside you. "look how easy they went in. They want this."

"You really are a whore..." Leviathan growls sinking his teeth into your shoulder. "LEVI!" You shriek feeling sharp pain as Leviathan bites down hard enough to leave a mark, his mark.

Asmodeus is a vein demon who would rather not hear his favorite person call out another man's name. Hand clasps over your mouth before fingers invade past your lips. He'll make sure that doesn't happen again. by keeping your mouth stuffed.

Possessive hands and mouths grasping all over your body eager to conquer and claim from leviathan's harsh bites to Asmodeus's soft sucking on your skin.

Asmodeus will not lose again to Leviathan versus cock was already grinding against the curve of your ass He will bully Levi's fingers out of you and replace them with something bigger.

Levi will not lose either You haven't even realized he had taken his clothes off until his fingers left you and replaced of something else.

Sure another demon could just take your mouth. But to them that's second place. Why would they feel your mouth with cum when they could claim you in the most primal way any man could.

If it wasn't for the mark from Asmodeus's magic This would be almost impossible, stretch around two large demon dicks. Let alone have it feel good.

Your eyes roll back as you felt Asmodeus slide inside.

His hand presses against your mouth harder to muffle You're even louder noises as you felt yourself stretched to accommodate another big cock trying to bully its way inside you. Asmodeus hissed in whimpered into your ear feeling the squeeze of you and the throbbing hardness of Leviathan cock against his own shaft.

Leviathan didn't care to react All he was focused on was making you his immediately moving trying to take you from the devil of lusts arms.

Asmodeus, not wanting to let go of you, moved reluctantly until both demons stood up out of the bed, holding you suspended in their arms. Leviathan didn't hesitate to move as soon as he had a better angle slamming his cock deep and hard. With nothing but Levi to grab onto your nails rake against his back Your legs tightening around him But you're mouth still covered forcing to suck on Asmodeus's fingers.

Swept up in lust and the animalistic drive to compete against the other male threatening to take his mate, He moves his hips at the same speed, hands trying to spread you apart to fuck you deeper and faster.

You felt fingers press against your tongue, trying to stop you from saying anything other than a garbled mess. Asmodeus's breath and lips tickle your ear. "You suck my finger so good pretty thing! I want to kiss you so bad!" You could feel the desire in his shaky voice making you clench around the both of them.

If only Asmodeus can remove his stupid hand then Leviathan could kiss you, And damn he wants to. He wants to feel your lips on him. He misses how soft and pillowy they are against him. He's so jealous that Asmodeus has your mouth all to himself when he was generous enough to share your tight milking hole.

"Say that I fuck you better! Say it whore! Say that my cock stretches you more than his! Say that I'm bigger!"

Leviathan snarls again sinking his teeth into your neck trying to go as fast as he can even with his orgasm approaching.

Asmodeus growls pressing his hand harder against your mouth making it harder for you to breathe as you struggle to say anything.

"Don't say that pretty! Call me your husband! Please gorgeous! Tell me that I'm the only man in your life!"

When he finally loosens his hand from your mouth. You struggle to say anything. Whatever you were trying to say just comes out as a garbled mess; as you come around them, milking their cocks together, They also reach their edge coming could, both are cocks squirting so much cum inside you, most of it leaking onto the floor and down your legs. They both stay deep inside you as they emptied their balls as deep as they could.

Hoping perhaps this time one of them will take. Claiming you as his for eternity.

Seeing and feeling your limbs become weak as you threatened to fall their possessiveness subside for a second to comfort and worship you. Leviathan's jealousy still raging inside He didn't hesitate rap his arms fully around you supporting your weakend state. Asmodeus didn't keep his hands off you, neck, nuzzling his face against your neck.

"stop touching them. They had enough of you for one night." Leviathan hissed as he brought you over to the bed His eyes go soft for a second as they lay upon your exhausted form pressing his lips ever so softly against yours before tucking you in bed. Before leaving you to gather his clothes.

When he looked back over he sees Asmodeus an arm underneath you snuggling right against you. He gives him a shit eating smug smile waving his hand goodbye.

That raging green fire boils in Leviathan once again. He was going to leave because the mere thought of staying in the same room as the king of lust and the same man he just had a threesome with pissed him off to no end. But what pissed him off more was knowing what would happen if he was gone leaving you defenseless with that freak.

He grit his teeth throwing his clothes back on the floor before marching over to the bed.

Asmodeus clicked his tongue as Levi snuggled on your side. That Leviathan is as handsome as he is annoying. Squishing his body against you wrapping his arms around you trying to claim as much space on your body as he could.

Asmodeus held you because he loved you and he wants to show it, Leviathan is stubborn to show his love and holds you to claim you as his.

Asmodeus is not afraid like Leviathan, but being has vain as him he will not lose either cuddling closer toward you.

An hour later you yawn your eyes fluttering open. You hadn't even realized what situation you were in until you tried to move. You heard a grown has arms tighten around your form. Your eyes widen looking on either side of you Leviathan snuggling his face against your neck like a teddy bear on the right and on the left Asmodeus laying his head on your chest his hand on your tit...

You were trapped...

And worst of all...

You had to go....

You try again to wiggle yourself free. Smodious crunches his eyebrows groaning and disapproval His hand freeing your tit but wrapping around you.

Fuck!

"please guys... I have to pee..." You quietly plead. Hoping your savior would come soon.

[mrsparrasblog]

You're losing me pt.2

pt. 1 pt.3

TW: mention of rape, unprotected sex, drinking, blood, violence, angst

The liquor on his tongue didn’t even burn anymore; too much was already in his system, trying to wash down the events of this day. You were the love of his life, the woman he wanted to marry, even though he didn’t know how it would be legal for you to marry all of them. And now, he lost you. The worst part? He can't even remember how it happened. He felt so disgusted in himself in so many ways—disgusted for breaking your heart. God, your look, how you tried to keep your tears in check, broke him. And then his whole body felt disgusted; it felt like a layer of dirt he couldn’t wash away. He scrubbed and scrubbed, but it didn’t go away; the shame still lingered. It felt like someone had taken something from him, but it was his own fault. He must have said yes and bought those drinks. It was his own fault, he told himself over and over again. Normally, he would talk about this kind of stuff with you; you always knew what to say. But you hated him.

"‚‘nother on’," he said to the barkeeper. This was probably his sixth. Johnny knew how he could handle alcohol; he was never that pissed before to not remember a thing. And there she was, the medic, sitting down next to him.

"Hey, Johnny," she smiled brightly, like she didn’t have any worry in her life.

"I ken a dinnae whit yesterday happened bit tis ne'er aff tae happen again."

"Come on, you enjoyed it yesterday."

"I dinnae remember yesterday."

"What a shame."

He stood up, throwing some pounds on the table, wanting to leave, but she stopped him. "Come on, Johnny. I'll help you forget, make you feel at peace again."

"No."

"Then please, let me invite you for a drink as an apology," she smiled sweetly, pushing the drink towards me. Wait, how had she a drink prepared if she sat only for a minute next to me?

"No."

"Please, a drink won't kill you."

"I said no."

"Just one sip, Johnny, and I'll make you feel good how she never could."

"How come ye're sae persistent fur me tae dram this drink?"

"You're silly, Johnny. I'm just being nice," she looked panicked - weird.

While many people thought of him as someone who is just a silly guy who isn’t able to think properly, you told him all over again that he was so smart, smarter than all of them, if someone would just give him the chance to show. And right now, his brain implanted a sick thought on him. "Dinnae tell me ye put something in mah drink."

Her eyes widened. "Of course not," she mumbled.

"Don't lie to me," his hand immediately went to her throat , choking the truth out of her.

"Knockout drugs," she whispered. She was fighting for air as I let her go; the men in the pub already stood up trying to save the poor woman from getting abused by a man.

"You raped me." His shock hit deep; he always thought something like that wouldn’t happen to him. He was strong and able to protect himself. He was the guy who killed people, the youngest man in the SAS, the guy who beat up an officer because he touched a civi. But now, he was the victim.

"Have fun proving it. No one will believe that a tiny girl like me raped the big bad soldier," she laughed, and screamed for help. "Help, this man doesn’t take no for an answer," He was kicked out of the pub; his face was bloody from all the beating.

All he wanted was to reach you, ask your advice, be in the comfort of your arms, telling him all over again how he is a good man, how he is worth everything and not a dirty soldier. But you didn’t pick up; he came to the realization quickly; that no one would believe him.

**Soap:** Please tell me we used a condom.

**Medic:** ;)

Fuck.

————————————————————————————————-

4 am and you still couldn’t sleep; your head was full of thoughts. Why were you not good enough? Why did he do it? So, you made a thing your friends would kill you for. Calling John, you weren’t sure if he would pick up, but he did.

"What's wrong, love?" Source of habit, he thought.

"Why did you do this, John?" you sobbed.

"I didn't mean for it to happen; it was an accident."

"Then why didn't you say sorry?"

"Love."

"Don't fucking call me love. You cheated on me, and you didn't say sorry. You didn't run after me, you didn't apologize," your sobs broke his heart.

"I'm sorry; it was an accident."

"An accident is making a typo, not sticking your dick in a whore."

"I—"

"I hate you, John. I hate you so much," and you hung up. This wasn’t what you expected. Why doesn’t he feel guilty? Why are you not good enough? Why didn’t Simon say something? Why didn’t Kyle come here? Of course, you broke up, but why don’t they care?

If you only knew how Kyle was, blood-covered in the hospital, too many rookies in his way. How Simon was trying desperately to find Soap to see he didn't drink himself to death, and then he would come to you, he told him self all over again. And how the captain didn't leave his office, not even for food.

And how Soap went into John's office, trying to explain to him the truth, only to see a disarranged office, hands covered in blood after he tried to pick up the liquor he smashed at his wall. He never saw his captain so vulnerable, and if Soap didn’t know better, he would have sworn he saw tears.

"Captain, I—"

"You did already enough, MacTavish. Let me have at least one day to mourn over the loss of the love of my fucking life."

"Captain—"

"LEAVE," and he did, he crawled into his bed, knowing he lost everything in a day, the love of his life, his best friend Kyle, his captain, his pride, and safety, and not even Ghost was there.

[grabby-smitten]

Pinky promise

Subjects: Bunny Hybrid!Xavier x Human F!Reader

Word count: 2.9K

Content: Hybrid AU, fluff mostly, domestic stuff, sprinkles of angst here and there, no beta and not edited, commas placed everywhere, gender-neutral for this part(i think), idk… let me know if i missed anything. Second part has smut and will be posted separately.

A.N: Happy late birthday Xavier and Halloween especial… I guess xD. Two birds one stone?

Your local shelter was always overflowing. new hybrids coming in each week, at least according to their social media updates. It was heartbreaking watching the shelter on your work commute, multiple sounds overwhelmed that side of the street, strong smells on the pavement and everything you witnessed trailed after you to work and back home.

But not once did you step foot on the shelter. Were you scared? Probably. From what your coworkers said, it was extremely hard to care for a hybrid. Very complicated creatures. And expensive. you could barely take care of yourself. Not to mention that you hated social environments and from what you read on the internet; hybrids are social creatures. Alone you were fine… or so you thought.

Yet, you couldn’t just let the older hybrids get— well, you know what they do in most shelters when nobody adopts.

So here you are, waiting in line to fill out some forms and get your first hybrid. Sweat running down your back, and your feet hurting from standing in the same position for far too long. How long has it been since you first stepped in the line? two hours? Three? and the line barely moved.

Leaning to the side, you watched the attendants at the counter seem tired, and their hair sticking to their forehead confirmed your suspicions that the air conditioner wasn’t working as well as it should.

You had enrolled in the adoption program as soon as new spots opened for this term and just your luck with a spot on the special campaign. Besides, trying to speak yourself out of it hadn’t worked. You would give it a try and if things didn’t work out— then you would find a solution.

Today, the shelter was holding that special adoption campaign. Something about not charging the usual fees, the first year of medical expenses free and just one written evaluation to the future owners.

A couple came out of the visiting room with a young dog-hybrid. It was jumping around them and wagging its tail so enthusiastically that it kind of scared you. What if you got a hyperactive one? Your worlds would crash and the inevitable would happen.

Soon you heard your name being called out by one of the shelter workers and it snapped you out of your tragic daydream.

“Hey, Y/N, right?” He asked while reading the papers on his clipboard.

“Yes,” you replied while nodding.

“Okay, let’s see…” the shelter worker skimmed through his papers not really looking at you, “with what you filled the form with, this should be a good match. He’s a bunny hybrid and…” he trailed off, “that’s all we know,” he started to walk and you assumed it was a sign to follow him.

As you walked after the shelter workers, you passed some cages. A few were empty while others were full with more than a pair of hybrids in them. Your hands in fists, not being able to handle seeing such a scene, but you repeated to yourself that you were already doing your part to help fix this broken system. Adopting is a good way to help, you kept chanting in your mind.

“Sedentary lifestyle, doesn’t use much space and no noise, yeah. This should do.” Again, you were snapped out of your thoughts by the shelter worker. Turning a deaf ear to how he described the bunny hybrid, you noticed the door in front of you had the word abnormal painted in red bold letters.

“Hey! Xavier! A cute lady has come to visit you!” The worker banged his clipboard on the door making you jump in surprise.

“Please don’t do that.” The coldness of your voice came unexpectedly. As a reflex, you even raised your hand to try and stop the worker’s movements.

“Sorry, but it’s alright.” He pointed to the inside of the cell-like door. “He never says anything.”

His comment infuriated you to no end. Your insides were burning with rage, but you kept quiet. The faster you’re done with this, the faster you can go home.

You watched him open the door and the acid air from the inside hit you first. The smell triggered a wave of helplessness within you. how could all these be alright to a living creature? You couldn’t… you shouldn’t… but what other things could a normal civilian do to change the new world and its fucked up system?

In all truth, you knew, you dreaded this very moment when everything came crashing down on you, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. You were here and it wasn’t gonna change the whole world but you would, indeed, change someone’s world.

Once inside you grimaced at the unsanitary state of the room. Old food scattered everywhere, a lump of sheets and cloth in a corner, and… no hybrid?

“Ah, he must be under all that,” you heard the worker speak and he began to move towards the big ball of sheets at the corner.

“It’s fine, I’ll do it.” You didn’t want him near the hybrid more than necessary.

Making sure your steps were loud and clear, you approached where you guessed the hybrid would be hiding.

It all happened so fast. One moment you were reaching for the lump of sheets, and the next your hand got pulled under and a stinging sensation palpitated in your palm.

Did… did he just bite you?

Just as fast, you snatched your hand back, cradling it against your chest as you swallowed the yelp you wanted to let out.

“Hey, Xavier?” You managed to sound as calm as possible, “I probably startled you, right? I’m sorry for that… uhmm…” You proceeded to tell him your name, internally praying that the guy outside wouldn’t interfere.

The lump of sheets moved and hope struck you. A blue eye adorned with long dark lashes peeked from a small opening in between the sheets and your heart instantly softened. You saw fear clouding his striking pupil. Forgotten was the small, almost nonexistent, injury in your palm. All you wanted was to calm that vast raging blue ocean in such a small eye.

“I get it,” you said softly, “I practically had you corned and you reacted. I’m not mad, promise,” and you showed him your pinky finger.

Xavier wasn’t sure what to think. What he knew was that you were not one of the usual workers at the shelter and that you didn’t smell like… danger. You actually had a nice scent, different from everyone he had ever met in his long life— nothing overwhelming, it was almost soothing. That’s why he instinctively went straight for your hand. He didn’t even realize when his teeth had nibbled at your palm.

A pinky? That’s what you were offering. Still under the tons of sheets, Xavier wondered what was he supposed to do.

“You can lock your pinky finger with mine if you want,” you explained, seeing his eye suddenly frown and look perplexed at your gesture. “It means a promise has been made.”

The sound of fumbling cloth raised your spirits. Then a pale hand came from under all that and his pinky finger intertwined with yours. He had relented to your words… because it was the first time he was offered a choice. Not forced. Not bribed. No threats.

Convincing Xavier to come out was another ordeal. One that you achieved eventually, after negotiating with a second pinky promise of fresh food.

What actually left you with your mouth hanging open was his height. How come someone so tall was a bunny hybrid? well, the white ball of a tail and his ears sticking from his head were a dead giveaway. But still… he was taller than your average person.

The walk back home wasn't hard. Nothing eventful took place, just two jumpy individuals trying to make it back home without tripping with their own two feet. What a peculiar pair.

Less than an hour of meeting Xavier and you were already protective of your bunny hybrid. Your step might have faltered but your grip on his hand didn’t quiver. You made sure he knew you were taking him somewhere safe and that you didn’t hate his presence.

Such intention was hard to convey, especially when you tried to get him to bathe. Leaving him alone in the bathroom was a waste of time, it only made him panic and built a lump of towels.

So here you stand, in shorts and an old shirt trying to help Xavier shower.

“Xavier, please, just— wait! The water!” And with a push from the bunny hybrid, you came toppling down into the bathtub. Splashing the soapy water everywhere.

He saw your head dive in first as your arms attempted to stop your fall.

“I’m fine! It’s okay!” Moving the wet hair out of your face, you smiled sheepishly at Xavier.

He was taken aback by your reaction. He expected anything but a smile.

The first few weeks went like that. Food? The same. Xavier would panic and throw half of what you prepared to the ceiling and walls and then the rest on you. When you finished cleaning, you would find him under a pile of blankets in the kitchen.

And yes, almost no sounds came from the bunny hybrid. His blue eyes shone with a hurricane of emotions but his voice never expressed them.

You told yourself you had to be patient. All the incidents weren’t really directed at you but at whatever ghost that kept hunting him. Remembering the word painted in red on his door back at the shelter reaffirmed your resolve to give Xavier the chance he never got before.

Weeks became months and things slowly but steadily improved. Xavier no longer had those unexpected reactions and he stopped hiding under blankets and towels— well, almost— he still built those forts once in a while. He seemed more comfortable around you, so much so that he began talking to you.

The first time you heard his voice you almost screamed bloody murder. You still remember it as the night you nearly died of a heart attack.

It was a stormy night, and the electric storm was rampaging for hours now. All lights had gone out, but you were comfortable in bed reading a book with a flashlight. When a deep but soft voice you have never heard before in your life interrupted your night reading. You heard your name come from your door and it slowly opened.

You practically jumped out of the bed, one foot getting caught by your covers and your forehead hit the ground with a thud and a cry. Quickly, your eyes hovered over the side of your mattress searching for the owner of the voice, when your eyes landed on Xavier standing at your door.

“Xavier?” Gathering your thoughts, you realized the voice calling your name in the middle of the dark was his. “I-is there something you need?”

Of course, you were stunned by this new development but you knew that if you didn’t handle the situation accordingly, you would lose this opportunity. Calm and collected were the words you mentally chanted as you slowly stood up with your heart beating wildly in your throat.

“Can I…” he felt his hesitation rising as the hands of anxiety began to squeeze Xavier’s insides.

You send him a look full of warmth, encouraging him to keep going, and the sudden nails digging into his stomach slowly evaporated.

“Can I stay here?” His deep but melodic soft voice traveled to your ears and you felt like crying, but you held everything in. This was about him.

“Sure, Xavier. Let me get you more blankets.” You smiled, storm and the almost-heart attack left in the past. “I know how much you like them.”

A few blankets later and a bunny hybrid wrapped in them like a burrito, you went back to your book. you expected Xavier to just fall asleep. But oh, boy… he had different plans.

“Why are you so kind to me when I have been nothing but trouble to you?” Xavier’s whispers broke the silence in your room.

Closing your book and leaving it on your bedside table, you turned your attention completely to your bunny hybrid who rested comfortably on the pillow next to yours.

“I promised, remember?” You lifted your pinky, “aaand do I need a reason to be kind? Maybe it’s an instinct to be this way, just like you with your blanket forts or I just don’t know how to be mean.” You lightheartedly joked with the last part.

A while passed after your words and you thought your answer had satisfied Xavier. So you got cozy in your bed and closed your eyes, assuming that your first-ever chat with Xavier had come to an end.

And again, he was a bunny hybrid full of surprises. Your assumptions were wrong because that was not the case. Xavier had ambushed you once more. Out of nowhere, he began to speak again.

“That’s not true. I remember you verbally berating the neighbors the other day.” He casually mumbled.

You widened your eyes, startled by his words. “No— that’s— Xavier, they were being too loud and you got scared!”

“I know,” he then turned around and went to sleep. Just like that. Leaving you all dumbfounded beside him.

More than a year together and things were good until they weren’t. Xavier began to behave weirdly around you and it just kept getting worse. He presented fevers, cold sweats, and very abnormal noises at night.

And so you did what you thought was best and called his doctor.

“His heat? Wha– what do you mean his heat?” Your phone nearly slipped from your hand and your eyes almost popped out of your skull at what the doctor was telling you. “But–but the shelter said he never had one before! That he’s too old! I don’t— yes, I understand but—” you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. “What do you mean the first heat could last about ten months?”

You did not sign up for that… that was… how would that even work?

“Okay, thank you.” A couple of more suggestions from his doctor and you finally ended the call.

Hunched over the bathroom sink, you took some deep breaths before coming out to look for Xavier. You would ask for his consent first and foremost. What the doctor implied in the call sounded awful but you had little to no options. Ten months, the first week should be the worst and then the rest should be manageable with what? Get him a prescription? Suppressant? A mating partner? Gosh… your brain was fried.

“Hey Xav? Are you awake?” You said softly as you opened the door. He had been taking more naps than usual to keep… to keep whatever was happening with his system under control.

He grunted a response from his bed, once again the blanket forts were back in place.

With a heavy heart, you told him what the doctor had said, and instantly you got a strange growl in response.

“Do not use that tone with me,” you lightly reprimanded followed by a soft chuckle on your part. “I get it, really. I didn’t like the options either.”

“The others,” he began to say, voice a bit muffled under all those blankets, “at the shelter, they could withstand their heat. I can too.”

He sounded so sure, but you? From what you heard the doctor say? You doubted it. After all, Xavier was a late bloomer. For whatever reason, be it trauma or lack of nutrients, or feeling unsafe, his body didn’t allow him before. Now, that he has a safe environment? That was a different story.

Needless to say, you were right. Things got out of hand pretty fast.

“Chain me,” Xavier demanded behind his closed door. Blocking your path to his room.

“What? No! Xavier, I can’t—“You banged your fist for the hundredth time. “Just let me in! We’ll find something!” You were desperate. He meant the world to you and vice versa. Both grew to be the one thing each other needed.

“Chain me! That’s what they did with the others.” He kept insisting. “It’s for your own good! I can withstand the week! Just go get them!” Xavier shouted, a desperate look clouded his delicate features.

Your heart broke for him as his pleas traveled through the door. He had never raised his voice before and as tears ran down your cheeks, you made up your mind, nodding, and with pain constricting your chest you went straight to buy a collar and a set of chains.

Hours became days and you couldn’t step into Xavier’s room without breaking into a sobbing mess. You didn’t get the chain, that was too much. Instead, you got just the collar and a harness which did the work just fine.

It was almost done, you told yourself as you paced back and forth outside his door. Only three more days and he would be less affected by his hormones.

Click here! Smut inside! pls be aware! -> PART 2

[sepublic]

Manny Noceda Haunting the Narrative

We all speak of Caleb haunting the narrative, but what of Manny? Perhaps haunting isn’t the exact right word here, for its foreboding connotations; But he’s ultimately an unseen, unheard ghost whose influence can be felt. Whose absence is there, more clearly than others to be honest because we know that Luz had to have a father, it’s not ambiguous for witches like it is for humans.

From the very first scene, we have to wonder where Manny is if he’s not present during Luz’s conference but Camila is; He’s not even present for Luz to be sent off. He’s not mentioned or acknowledged.

But we have the book he gave Luz, the one that Luz is drawn back towards, and it’s what leads her to the Boiling Isles, and motivates her to stay there for her own sake. It’s what motivates Luz to think of herself, when by the second half of the show she begins to refuse that option as inherently selfish.

If Homesick had aired during S1B, we’d have gotten a glimpse of Manny, but specifically, curiously faceless; Until then, Luz sees a parental figure deteriorating from an incurable illness and is obsessed with handling it, offering medical advice to Eda at one point.

And in Yesterday’s Lie, there’s still no Manny or mention of him, but we see glimpses of his body without the face. And then finally, finally we get Reaching Out and realize; He died. There was no divorce, it’s not that Manny is dead to mother and daughter, only literally. He’s still very much alive to them, Luz is worried about paying tribute to him in that episode.

Camila mourns the loss of Manny, someone who was always better at her about being a weirdo, and without him she feels lost, falls back into what society demands of her, and in doing so hurts their daughter. She mourns that she misses him, but Camila can’t depend on Manny to be what Luz needs her to be; She’ll be Manny, for Luz but also herself too. And Luz herself struggles to be the unapologetic Manny as well, and must do it for herself especially.

It’s the way Manny recontextualizes everything about the Nocedas. It’s the way he haunts the narrative himself, because we noticed, we had to, we had to ask where he was. Why is he not there for Luz or Camila, would he support her, is Camila also struggling from his absence? We don’t need his face or voice or an outright flashback to feel and appreciate Manny’s influence (Though I would’ve loved one).

And in a way, it’s like Dana’s own father Thomas Terrace is doing the same; With it being confirmed that Dana’s dad gave her a copy of Pokémon Red before he died, you understand perfectly that Luz is Dana, Manny is her father. Dana still likes Pokémon to this day, she’s done crossover art with Pokémon and her own show.

When it came out, Pokemon was targeted by Evangelicals as evil, it was absurd; And we see the Conformatorium perform similar absurdities in the same first episode where Luz is shown to hold onto her father’s last gift, and her fight with the Conformatorium is her fight with the system that made Luz feel ashamed of Manny’s gift and the profound impact it had on her.

The villain of the show manipulates Luz and makes her think she’s just like him, something Luz acknowledges means being a selfish, destructive force; Unsurprisingly, the villain is a Puritan, the ancestor of evangelicals, who agrees on the similarities but not on these things being evil.

Manny is the invisible ghost unseen, for the same reason as Caleb; And between the two, perhaps Caleb is defined incorrectly when it comes to how he influences things. Because Caleb does not really motivate Belos, Belos always wanted to be a witch hunter before he could claim to be betrayed by Caleb, he did it for himself. He made Grimwalkers but still continues the harm unto and through them that Caleb stood against. Caleb failed to do anything with Belos, tbh, and all that is passed on are empty genes that a racist would obsess over, but never the spirit as Luz did with Manny.

But what about Caleb’s child? Manny is defined as a father to Luz. What about someone Caleb was a father to as well? His unborn child, the ancestor of Eda. Caleb was a wood carver who loved Flapjack, and the Clawthornes had a tradition of carving Palismen. Could it not be implied that Evelyn carried on his unseen and unheard, yet felt love to their child, born after the death? And this love for the isles and magic and Palismen was passed all the way down to Dell, and then Eda.

And it’s Eda who helps Luz, another human, embrace her love for the isles and magic and Palismen. Evelyn’s descendant helps another human. Luz sees Eda in Manny, she’s his successor as someone who’s present for Luz when Camila can’t always be. Eda loves wild magic and her Palisman, gives Owlbert more autonomy than other witches, and helps the Bat Queen arrange Palismen to find new partners. And what goes around comes around when Caleb’s contribution to Palismen, started by Flapjack, helps Flapjack find a new friend and set in motion events that would lead to the Clawthornes’ injustice being rectified.

I’ve seen people argue that Hunter being with Willow makes him a copy of Caleb, but in addition to Hunter’s arc being him not caring what he does or doesn’t resemble… I think maybe the true parallel to Caleb and Evelyn is Manny and Camila; Both came to Gravesfield, the father was a weirdo with an open mind. He died, the mother mourned, but he passed on something to a child, who would eventually pass it on to Luz herself as both stories and families converge.

So Evelyn and Caleb’s child haunts the narrative; They’re Luz in a sense. Manny haunts the narrative too, since the start. He is Caleb, and so he is Eda who carries that spirit. And he is Eda because she carries the spirit for Luz. Manny is Dana Terrace’s own father, who inspired her to keep being a weirdo, which led to this show. So not only is Manny more important to the narrative’s framing and focus as the main character’s father, whose absence motivates both a disconnect between mother and daughter that leads Luz to the isles, but also motivates Luz to stay?

In a way, Manny represents the father of the series, the father of the show that reflects Dana’s own experiences and beliefs. One could say he haunts Dana’s own life, except… Perhaps the word ‘haunt’ is incorrect. Because it has a negative connotation. Perhaps the word is Inspire; Manny may be dead, we may know little of Mr. Terrace or Manny himself. But we can say that Manny lived, because of his impact, his life had meaning and it always will. Something is in motion, so we all know and understand ask what, or who set it that way.

[lightasthesun]

i heard there was a HUGE outcry for more codywan fic recs...(@tapemonkey21 & @dontbelasagnax lol) so here I am posting another one

As always please mind the tags before diving headfirst into any fic you read and consider sharing your unbridled joy and unhinged thoughts with the writer in the comment section 😉

Desert Box by br1ghtmouth | 7k words

With a chip in his head that has already caused the ruin for which he was made, Cody finds his way to Tatooine in the hopes of tending to the painful layers of memories left behind in his own silt.

Facile Felicity by br1ghtmouth | 14k words

Primary functions are supposed to be useful: survive against all odds; shield one’s battalion; fight until the very last breath. Cody would prefer anything besides the bleeding heart he’s been dealt.

Or: the General makes plans. Cody follows.

Good man of war by scrapathon 🔒| 16k words

During a medic’s first mission with the 212th, everything goes wrong. In the midst of it all, Cody deals with his growing feelings towards General Kenobi.

Across the path by Threebea O(ThreeBea)| 1k words

Cody is inspecting a cave system. He meets his General.

No. Not his General.

“The pathway,” Obi-Wan whispered. “I understand now. C-Commander, I owe you an apology. I am not your General.”

But Obi-Wan isn't the only one that has crossed over into his universe.

Safe in hand by Threebea O(ThreeBea) | 11k words

Cody ends up where all griefstricken people on the run end up in the galaxy far, far away. He makes a life for himself looking for scrap in the deserts of Tatooine.

He always did have a knack for finding Kenobi's lightsaber.

in the middle before I knew that I had begun by tenderjock🔒| 2k words

Obi-Wan beams at him, feeling unbearably fond. His Cody. His darling. Always looking after him.

Cody’s face is very still, just a few inches above his. Obi-Wan reaches out, touches his scar.

“What are you thinking?” he wonders.

OR: as the war stumbles to its end, Obi-Wan is forced to reassess his relationship with his commander.

Floating on a Starless Sea by shadowmaat🔒| 2k words

A cave-in leaves Cody trapped and badly injured. With another contingent of droids on the way there isn't time to try and dig him out. Obi-Wan is forced to make a difficult choice.

when the jebwa flower blooms by mxartbotboy🔒| 10k words

One year since the end of the war, and Cody still hasn’t figured out what to do about Obi-Wan. With Coruscant struggling to make the transition with the New Republic, Cody already has enough on his plate without trying to untangle the knot that is his feelings for the ex-Jedi. Will the tightly twisted flower bud finally bloom?

love without compromise by mxartbotboy🔒(ch.1) |

Cody has a panicked moment with his General and reveals more than he means to.

grip my hand through the pain by The_Last_Kenobi🔒| 2k words

It's all just happened, and yet Cody cannot stop playing it over and over in his head.

The trek into the hills, the deserted path.

His General standing like a human shield between his battalion and a wall of fire.

Panacea by MissyPup | 4k words

Cody has been falling for his General for two years. Two long, war filled years. But he's been able to stay in control of his feelings by just not acknowledging them.

But having to share a bed with the man he's been daydreaming about for two years makes Cody so tense Obi-Wan decides to give him a massage to help out.

Obi-Wan would certainly be the death of him.

Facula by MissyPup | 5k words

Obi-Wan would only be gone for a few days, Cody could handle that alone. Until his thoughts catch up to him thanks to Beru.

Or: How the Kenobi series should have gone because Cody deserves to be there.

Interrobang by MissyPup | 10k words

“I love you.” Cody blurted out so fast that even he was surprised by it.

Obi-Wan leaned back a bit, enough to touch Cody’s cheek and grin, “I love you too, Cody.”

“Keeping this a secret is hard.” Cody admitted, reaching up to grip Obi-Wan’s robes again. “But I know what would happen if anyone found out… Kriff, Rex found out on his own and I thought I was going to-”

coming full circle by catboydogma 🔒| 5k words

Or: five times Obi-Wan has handed Cody his lightsaber and one time Cody handed Obi-Wan his lightsaber

A Hush Sublime by catboydogma | 10k words

When Master Qui-Gon died, Obi-Wan had known him for half his life. He thought—sometimes, distantly, like the artificial Coruscanti sunlight—that he should have told Qui-Gon more often. They hadn’t needed words in living: Qui-Gon was a man of action more than anything else, and they both had difficulties in unspooling the thick vines of feeling inside their chests enough to speak of them. Obi-Wan had loved Qui-Gon. He’d thought, more than once, that that adoring love, of the Initiate that Obi-Wan still was at heart, had been a sign of a terrible and thorny attachment.

that is that + this is this by catboydogma🔒| 8k words

“Here. Drink, Cody. Come on. Don’t die on me now, not when you went to all the trouble to get out here.”

“Didn’t know,” Cody rasped.

“So I shouldn’t be expecting a cavalcade of Imperial stormtroopers to show up here, then?” The man asked, bland as anything.

The Commander gave this the consideration it was due. “No.” “Forgive me if I don’t immediately believe you.” The man’s voice sharpened, but his grip on the Commander stayed gentle, supporting his head even when it lolled back against his will. “When have I ever let you down?” Cody asked.

The man’s breathing hitched. He set Cody back down against the blankets and retreated to his spot several feet away, blaster and charge pack between the two of them like some strange barrier. “When you killed me,” the man said.

repeat, replay, return by Serie11🔒| 3k words

The last time he saw his General, Cody was ordering him shot off a cliff.

Ten years later, and Obi-Wan is in a bacta tank again. Some things, it seems, don’t change; Cody’s feelings among them.

all the world in my arms by biscuityskies | 5k words

A brief wry smirk flashes across his face, and as Cody meets his own eyes in the reflection of his drink, it softens. If he had to rationalise it, this anxiety most likely stems from the recent developments with the general.

Something's been off about him ever since he came back from the mission to Kadavo.

Compartment Syndrome by elwenyere | 3k words

Cody was lucky, really, that Obi-Wan had lost consciousness during the crash, because otherwise he would never have gotten away with the tender pressure building in his wrist - much less the lance of pain that sliced across his arm every time he adjusted his General’s weight over his shoulder.

I Promise by dontbelasagnax🔒| 6k words

Mace raises an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. He looks over Cody for a solid thirty grueling seconds, evaluating. "Hypothetically," he says in that dry way of his that is nearly impossible to tell whether he's making fun of Cody or teaching him a lesson, "if someone wanted to propose to their partner, they'd bring it up with said partner."

[ OR: Cody has plans. He's going to make a certain Jedi a very happy man. ]

The Lessons Not Yet Learned by meadmeinthemiddle | 23k words

The Force works in mysterious ways. Cody knows this, theoretically, but it all seems so far beyond him that he tends to not pay it any mind.

Little does Cody know, the Force has its claws buried deeper into him than he can possibly imagine - he just hasn't realized it yet.

: (Is to) :: (As) by TamerLorika | 12k words

Cody notices that Kenobi's regard for himself is always clinical and utilitarian. As he ponders a way to break the stalemate, he begins to learn more about the lightsaber that is so often in his hands, and how it relates to the subject of Kenobi's own soul.

for you, only you by dontbelasagnax | 11k words

“What's next for you, my dear, now that you’re a citizen of the Republic?” Obi-Wan tilts his head, expression alight and imploring. “You could get a job and find a place of your own amongst the many levels of Coruscant- or the stars.”

Light Will Prevail by kotekenobii | 3k words

In the aftermath of battle, an exhausted Obi-Wan slips away to watch the sunrise. Worried, Cody seeks him out.

Based on the end of Obi-Wan Kenobi #3.

You're the Only Stim I Need by Captora | 7k words

The five times Marshal Commander Cody brought General Kenobi bad GAR caf and the one time Obi-Wan showed Cody what caf was supposed to taste like.

[copperbadge]

https://www.wired.com/story/therapy-broken-mental-health-challenges/

I came across this (old) article and it made me think of what you shared about your therapy experience. Would you say your therapy experience worked? It almost feels like you were telling us about how you were A/B testing your way through it.

Yeah, I remember reading that article at some point either before therapy or early on. I don't remember what I thought overall but I do remember being astonished that people expected therapy to help them in six sessions, and that most people report improvement in only 15-20. Not because I think either of those things are unrealistic based on any kind of evidence, but because that's not the expectation I was ever handed when I was in therapy. I was in therapy for nine years as a kid, until I turned eighteen and could legally refuse to go. Not for anything I did, like it wasn't a court order, I was simply put into therapy and wasn't allowed to leave by the adults in my life.

The thing is, because it was mandatory, because at least one of those therapists broke ethical constraints, and because across nine years and three separate therapists nobody caught my ADHD, I have a more complicated relationship to therapy than a lot of people. I still catch myself thinking of things I can't tell my therapist because then she'll have leverage on me. Which is absurd, but it took me a long time to start saying those things to her. I am difficult and private and smart enough to make that a real problem, so it's been a slow process for me.

I also think that article is complicated, because it makes a lot of good points but it also seems at times to confuse therapy itself with the abusive nature of the American healthcare system. So while it's a useful article particularly when it speaks to marginalized peoples' experiences, it may discourage people who could benefit from therapy from doing the work to find a therapist. It's a good article to learn from, but I wouldn't advise people to decide for or against therapy based on it.

(My thoughts on my own therapy under the cut)

I'm still in therapy. It's difficult to measure results. I think I handle interpersonal stress better than I used to, but I haven't been able to find much to help with some of the emotional volatility I experience, and while I've set some good boundaries with family, the process of doing that was and continues to be stressful and upsetting, in some ways harder than simply not having them, so I'm still assessing that. Part of the problem for me is that I don't find cognitive-behavioral therapy useful for what I need, and while I understand there are differences, like 90% of all therapeutic systems boil back down to those techniques. Reality checking, visualizing, physical stimulus responses, mindfulness, as I said once to Therapist, "It's CBT all the way down." I don't respond to many of them and others I was already doing, so *shrug emoji*

At that point, when I realized there was no system that was going to help with my specific problems -- in part because the problems are ADHD related in a way that you can't train your way out of -- we also agreed it was time to try medication. Which felt like a failure, but I know that realistically I looked at the situation as it is, assessed my options, and made an appropriate choice, which is after all what therapy is often about.

So I've been on Clonidine for a couple of weeks. And it's doing fuck-all so far, but it's the lowest dose and there are other options too, so it's an ongoing process.

Outside of frustration with trying to fix problems that I honestly don't think anything but medication will fix, therapy's ok. If nothing else the expectation of it helps me identify actual problems in my life. And like most people I enjoy talking about myself but I also have a lot of struggle around asking for that kind of indulgence from friends, so doing that for an hour in a structured transactional kind of way is easier for me.

Ultimately, there's no real one-size solution that's called "Therapy", so whether or not I have found it useful isn't really material to whether someone else would. Some people use it as maintenance stress-relief, some people need to do deep emotional work, some people are in crisis and need an objective commentator. Sometimes you move from one need to another. Right now I'm in a liminal space because we're trying something new, so it's tough to say. But I'm finding it worth the cost in time, energy, and money, so I'll keep on until I don't anymore.

[cy-cyborg]

Dealing with Healing and Disability in fantasy: Writing Disability

[ID: An image of the main character from Eragon, a white teenage boy with blond hair in silver armour as he sits, with his hand outstretched. On his hand is a glowing blue mark. He is visibly straining as he attempts to heal a large creature in front of him. /End ID]

I'm a massive fan of the fantasy genre, which is why it's so incredibly frustrating when I see so much resistance to adding disability representation to fantasy works. People's go-to reason for leaving us out is usually something to the effect of "But my setting has magic so disability wouldn't exist, it can just be healed!" so let's talk about magic, specifically healing magic, in these settings, and how you can use it without erasing disability from your story.

Ok, let's start with why you would even want to avoid erasing disability from a setting in the first place. I talked about this in a lot more detail in my post on The Miracle Cure. this line of thinking is another version of this trope, but applied to a whole setting (or at least, to the majority of people in the setting) instead of an individual, so it's going to run into the same issues I discussed there. To summarise the points that are relevant to this particular version of the trope though:

Not every disabled person wants or needs a cure - many of us see our disability as a part of our identity. Do difficulties come with being disabled? absolutely! It's literally part of the definition, but for some people in the disabled community, if you took our disabilities away, we would be entirely different people. While it is far from universal, there is a significant number of us who, if given a magical cure with no strings attached, would not take it. Saying no one in your setting would be disabled because these healing spells exists ignores this part of the community.

It messes with the stakes of your story - Just like how resurrecting characters or showing that this is something that is indeed possible in the setting can leave your audience feeling cheated or like they don't have to worry about a character *actually* ever dying. healing a character's disability, or establishing that disability doesn't exist in your setting because "magic" runs into the same problem. It will leave your readers or viewers feeling like they don't have to worry about your characters getting seriously hurt because it will only be temporary, which means your hero's actions carry significantly less risk, which in turn, lowers the stakes and tension if not handled very, very carefully.

It's an over-used trope - quite plainly and simply, this trope shows up a lot in the fantasy genre, to the point where I'd say it's just overused and kind of boring.

So with the "why should you avoid it" covered, let's look at how you can actually handle the topic.

Limited Access and Expensive Costs

One of the most common ways to deal with healing and disability in a fantasy setting, is to make the healing magic available, but inaccessible to most of the population. The most popular way to do that is by making the services of a magical healer capable of curing a disability really expensive to the point that most people just can't afford it. If this is the approach you're going to use, you also typically have to make that type of magic quite rare. To use D&D terms, if every first level sorcerer, bard, cleric and druid can heal a spinal injury, it's going to result in a lot of people who are able to undercut those massive prices and the expense will drop as demand goes down. If that last sentence didn't give you a hint, this is really popular method in stories that are critiquing capitalistic mindsets and ideologies, and is most commonly used by authors from the USA and other countries with a similar medical system, since it mirrors a lot of the difficulties faced by disabled Americans. If done right, this approach can be very effective, but it does need to be thought through more carefully than I think people tend to do. Mainly because a lot of fantasy stories end with the main character becoming rich and/or powerful, and so these prohibitively expensive cure become attainable by the story's end, which a lot of authors and writer's just never address. Of course, another approach is to make the availability of the magic itself the barrier. Maybe there just aren't that many people around who know the magic required for that kind of healing, so even without a prohibitive price tag, it's just not something that's an option for most people. If we're looking at a D&D-type setting, maybe you need to be an exceptionally high level to cast the more powerful healing spell, or maybe the spell requires some rare or lost material component. I'd personally advise people to be careful using this approach, since it often leads to stories centred around finding a miracle cure, which then just falls back into that trope more often than not.

Just outright state that some characters don't want/need it

Another, admittedly more direct approach, is to make it that these "cures" exist and are easily attainable, but to just make it that your character or others they encounter don't want or need it. This approach works best for characters who are born with their disabilities or who already had them for a long time before a cure was made available to them. Even within those groups though, this method works better with some types of characters than others depending on many other traits (personality, cultural beliefs, etc), and isn't really a one-size-fits-all solution, but to be fair, that's kind of the point. Some people will want a cure for their disabilities, others are content with their body's the way they are. There's a few caveats I have with this kind of approach though:

you want to make sure you, as the author, understand why some people in real life don't want a cure, and not just in a "yeah I know these people exist but I don't really get it" kind of way. I'm not saying you have to have a deep, personal understanding or anything, but some degree of understanding is required unless you want to sound like one of those "inspirational" body positivity posts that used to show up on Instagram back in the day.

Be wary when using cultural beliefs as a reasoning. It can work, but when media uses cultural beliefs as a reason for turning down some kind of cure, it's often intending to critique extreme beliefs about medicine, such as the ones seen in some New Age Spirituality groups and particularly intense Christian churches. As a general rule of thumb, it's probably not a good idea to connect these kinds of beliefs to disabled people just being happy in their bodies. Alternatively, you also need to be mindful of the "stuck in time" trope - a trope about indigenous people who are depicted as primitive or, as the name suggests, stuck in an earlier time, for "spurning the ways of the white man" which usually includes medicine or the setting's equivalent magic. I'm not the best person to advise you on how to avoid this specific trope, but my partner (who's Taino) has informed me of how often it shows up in fantasy specifically and we both thought it was worth including a warning at least so creators who are interested in this method know to do some further research.

Give the "cures" long-lasting side effects

Often in the real world, when a "cure" for a disability does exist, it's not a perfect solution and comes with a lot of side effects. For example, if you loose part of your arm in an accident, but you're able to get to a hospital quickly with said severed arm, it can sometimes be reattached, but doing so comes at a cost. Most people I know who had this done had a lot of issues with nerve damage, reduced strength, reduced fine-motor control and often a great deal of pain with no clear source. Two of the people I know who's limbs were saved ended up having them optionally re-amputated only a few years later. Likewise, I know many people who are paraplegics and quadriplegics via spinal injuries, who were able to regain the use of their arms and/or legs. However, the process was not an easy one, and involved years of intense physiotherapy and strength training. For some of them, they need to continue to do this work permanently just to maintain use of the effected limbs, so much so that it impacts their ability to do things like work a full-time job and engage in their hobbies regularly, and even then, none of them will be able bodied again. Even with all that work, they all still experience reduced strength and reduced control of the limbs. depending on the type, place and severity of the injury, some people are able to get back to "almost able bodied" again - such was the case for my childhood best friend's dad, but they often still have to deal with chronic pain from the injury or chronic fatigue.

Even though we are talking about magic in a fantasy setting, we can still look to real-life examples of "cures" to get ideas. Perhaps the magic used has a similar side effect. Yes, your paraplegic character can be "cured" enough to walk again, but the magic maintaining the spell needs a power source to keep it going, so it draws on the person's innate energy within their body, using the very energy the body needs to function and do things like move their limbs. They are cured, but constantly exhausted unless they're very careful, and if the spell is especially strong, the body might struggle to move at all, resulting in something that looks and functions similar to the nerve damage folks with spinal injuries sometimes deal with that causes that muscle weakness and motor control issues. Your amputee might be able to have their leg regrown, but it will always be slightly off. The regrown leg is weaker and causes them to walk with a limp, maybe even requiring them to use a cane or other mobility aid.

Some characters might decide these trade-offs are worth it, and while this cures their initial disability, it leaves them with another. Others might simply decide the initial disability is less trouble than these side effects, and choose to stay as they are.

Consider if these are actually cures

Speaking of looking to the real world for ideas, you might also want to consider whether these cures are doing what the people peddling them are claiming they do. Let's look at the so-called autism cures that spring up every couple of months as an example.

Without getting into the… hotly debated specifics, there are many therapies that are often labelled as "cures" for autism, but in reality, all they are doing is teaching autistic people how to make their autistic traits less noticeable to others. This is called masking, and it's a skill that often comes at great cost to an autistic person's mental health, especially when it's a behaviour that is forced on them. Many of these therapies give the appearance of being a cure, but the disability is still there, as are the needs and difficulties that come with it, they're just hidden away. From an outside perspective though, it often does look like a success, at least in the short-term. Then there are the entirely fake cures with no basis in reality, the things you'll find from your classic snake-oil salesmen. Even in a fantasy setting where real magic exists, these kinds of scams and misleading treatments can still exist. In fact, I think it would make them even more common than they are in the real world, since there's less suspension of disbelief required for people to fall for them. "What do you mean this miracle tonic is a scam? Phil next door can conjure flames in his hand and make the plants grow with a snap of his fingers, why is it so hard to believe this tonic could regrow my missing limb?"

I think the only example of this approach I've seen, at least recently, is from The Owl House. The magic in this world can do incredible things, but it works in very specific and defined ways. Eda's curse (which can be viewed as an allegory for many disabilities and chronic illnesses) is seemingly an exception to this, and as such, nothing is able to cure it. Treat it, yes, but not cure it. Eda's mother doesn't accept this though, and seeks out a cure anyway and ends up falling for a scam who's "treatments" just make things worse.

In your own stories, you can either have these scams just not work, or kind of work, but in ways that are harmful and just not worth it, like worse versions of the examples in the previous point. Alternatively, like Eda, it's entirely reasonable that a character who's been the target of these scams before might just not want to bother anymore. Eda is a really good example of this approach handled in a way that doesn't make her sad and depressed about it either. She's tried her mum's methods, they didn't work, and now she's found her own way of dealing with it that she's happy with. She only gets upset when her boundaries are ignored by Luz and her mother.

Think about how the healing magic is actually working

If you have a magic system that leans more on the "hard magic" side of things, a great way to get around the issue of healing magic erasing disability is to stop and think about how your healing magic actually works.

My favourite way of doing this is to make healing magic work by accelerating the natural processes of your body. Your body will, given enough time (assuming it remains infection-free) close a slash from a sword and mend a broken bone, but it will never regrow it's own limbs. It will never heal damage to it's own spinal cord. It will never undo whatever causes autism or fix it's own irregularities. Not without help. Likewise, healing magic alone won't do any of these things either, it's just accelerating the existing process and usually, by extension making it safer, since a wound staying open for an hour before you get to a healer is much less likely to get infected than one that slowly and naturally heals over a few weeks. In one of my own works, I take this even further by making it that the healing magic is only accelerating cell growth and repair, but the healer has to direct it. In order to actually heal, the healer needs to know the anatomy of what they're fixing to the finest detail. A spell can reconnect a torn muscle to a bone, but if you don't understand the structures that allow that to happen in the first place, you're likely going to make things worse. For this reason, you won't really see people using this kind of magic to, say, regrow limbs, even though it technically is possible. A limb is a complicated thing. The healer needs to be able to perfectly envision all the bones, the cartilage, the tendons and ligaments, the muscles (including the little ones, like those found in your skin that make your hair stand on end and give you goose bumps), the fat and skin tissues, all the nerves, all the blood vessels, all the structures within the bone that create your blood. Everything, and they need to know how it all connects, how it is supposed to move and be able to keep that clearly in their mind simultaneously while casting. Their mental image also has to match with the patient's internal "map" of the body and the lost limb, or they'll continue to experience phantom limb sensation even if the healing is successful. It's technically possible, but the chances they'll mess something up is too high, and so it's just not worth the risk to most people, including my main character.

Put Restrictions on the magic

This is mostly just the same advice as above, but for softer magic systems. put limits and restrictions on your healing magic. These can be innate (so things the magic itself is just incapable of doing) or external (things like laws that put limitations on certain types of magic and spells).

An example of internal restriction can be seen in how some people interpret D&D's higher level healing spells like regenerate (a 7th level spell-something most characters won't have access to for quite some time). The rules as written specify that disabilities like lost limbs can be healed using this spell, but some players take this to mean that if a character was born with the disability in question, say, born without a limb, regenerate would only heal them back to their body's natural state, which for them, is still disabled.

An external restriction would be that your setting has outlawed healing magic, perhaps because healing magic carries a lot of risks for some reason, eithe to the caster or the person being healed, or maybe because the healing magic here works by selectively reviving and altering the function of cells, which makes it a form of necromancy, just on a smaller scale. Of course, you can also use the tried and true, "all magic is outlawed" approach too. In either case, it's something that will prevent some people from being able to access it, despite it being technically possible. Other external restrictions could look like not being illegal, per say, but culturally frowned upon or taboo where your character is from.

But what if I don't want to do any of this?

Well you don't have to. These are just suggestions to get you thinking about how to make a world where healing magic and disability exist, but they aren't the only ways. Just the ones I thought of.

Of course, if you'd still rather make a setting where all disability is cured because magic and you just don't want to think about it any deeper, I can't stop you. I do however, want to ask you to at least consider where you are going to draw the line. Disability, in essence, is what happens when the body stops (or never started) functioning "normally". Sometimes that happens because of an injury, sometimes it's just bad luck, but the boundary between disabled and not disabled is not as solid as I think a lot of people expect it to be, and we as a society have a lot of weird ideas about what is and isn't a disability that just, quite plainly and simply, aren't consistent. You have to remember, a magic system won't pick and choose the way we humans do, it will apply universally, regardless of our societal hang-ups about disability.

What do I mean about this?

Well, consider for a moment, what causes aging? it's the result of our body not being able to repair itself as effectively as it used to. It's the body not being able to perform that function "normally". So in a setting where all disability is cured, there would be no aging. No elderly people. No death from old age. If you erase disability, you also erase natural processes like aging. magic won't pick and choose like that, not if you want it to be consistent.

Ok, ok, maybe that's too much of a stretch, so instead, let's look at our stereotypical buff hero covered in scars because he's a badass warrior. but in a world where you can heal anything, why would anything scar? Even if it did, could another healing spell not correct that too? Scars are part of the body's natural healing process, but if no natural healing occurred, why would a scar form? Scars are also considered disabling in and of themselves too, especially large ones, since they aren't as flexible or durable as normal skin and can even restrict growth and movement.

Even common things like needing glasses are, using this definition of disability at least, a disability. glasses are a socially accepted disability aid used to correct your eyes when they do not function "normally".

Now to be fair, in reality, there are several definitions of disability, most of which include something about the impact of society. For example, in Australia (according to the Disability Royal Commission), we define disability as "An evolving concept that results from the interaction between a person with impairment(s) and attitudinal and environmental barriers that hinder their full and effective participation in society on an equal basis with others." - or in laymen's terms, the interaction between a person's impairment and societal barriers like people not making things accessible or holding misinformed beliefs about your impairment (e.g. people in wheelchairs are weaker than people who walk). Under a definition like this, things like scars and needing glasses aren't necessarily disabilities (most of the time) but that's because of how our modern society sees them. The problem with using a definition like this though to guide what your magic system will get rid of, is that something like a magic system won't differentiate between an "impairment" that has social impacts that and one that doesn't. It will still probably get rid of anything that is technically an example of your body functioning imperfectly, which all three of these things are. The society in your setting might apply these criteria indirectly, but really, why would they? Very few people like the side effects of aging on the body (and most people typically don't want to die), the issues that come with scars or glasses are annoying (speaking as someone with both) and I can see a lot of people getting rid of them when possible too. If they don't then it's just using the "not everyone wants it approach" I mentioned earlier. If there's some law or some kind of external pressure to push people away from fixing these more normalised issues, then it's using the "restrictions" method I mentioned earlier too.

Once again, you can do whatever you like with your fantasy setting, but it's something I think that would be worth thinking about at least.

[muffinpink02]

Bronze Is Better Then Gold Part 4

Warnings - smut 18

“Right, it's only a small cut. I’ll give it a clean, just to be safe.” Lauren H said, as she opened up the medic bag.

“Thank you.” Ona sighed. 

“This might sting.” 

“It's fine- oww! That hurts.” Ona scowled. 

Lauren laughed. “I did say it was going to hurt.” 

Lucy walked over to the pair, a look on her face that Ona didn't like. 

“The boss wants to talk to us.” Lucy looked between her and Lauren.

Ona let out a sigh, forgetting about the sting of the alcohol on her cut. “Shit.”

Lauren packed away the medical bag. “You’re all done. Good luck guys.” She scurried away.

Lucy drove them back to the office. She looked over at the younger brunette, she looked more scared now then she did on the bridge. “Don’t stress too much. She's just going to be a bit pissed, but it's not going to be that bad. Trust me, I’ve done worse.” 

Ona looked over at Lucy, a small smile crept on her face. “You sure?”

Lucy scrunched up her face and waved her hand. “Pssh yeah, she's a pussy cat.” 

They drove the rest of the way in silence but it didn’t feel strained or awkward, it was needed after what just happened, it was comfortable like it was before. 

Sarina wasn't a pussy cat, but she wasn't as angry as Lucy thought she'd be either. 

“What were you thinking, Ona? No, don't answer that, I don't want to know. I’ll tell you what you were thinking. Nothing! Nothing smart could have gone through your head when you decided to run off and chase an extremely dangerous criminal without your partner, without any backup. You didn't even have your gun! It was the most irresponsible thing an agent could do, and you did it. I expected better from you, Ona.”

Ona hung her head. “I’m sorry.”

“She just didn't want him to get away, mam. if it makes you feel any better she did a number on his face.” Lucy chuckled lightly.

Sarina now had her attention on Lucy who was standing next to Ona. 

“Don’t you start. Don't think I haven’t noticed a shift in you. I don’t know what's going on with the pair of you but I want it sorted.”

The girls shifted awkwardly on their spots.

Sarina sighed. “Leave.”

The girls left. Neither looking back. 

The thing is, Ona wouldn't tell you this, but she had run after Slims in some small hope that Lucy would talk to her again, to even have her look at her for longer than 5 seconds. It was also out of instinct but in the back of her mind she was hoping if she caught Slims, Lucy might want to be her friend again. She knew it was silly but she was desperate. But, she probably did the reverse, and made Lucy even more angry with her.

Only if she knew that when Lucy had got home that night she broke down crying the moment she closed her door. The older brunette didn't get further than her hallway when she felt the hot tears streaming down her face.

A rush of emotions hit her hard. Seeing Ona in danger like she did today was a complete shock to the system. Lucy had felt completely helpless, seeing the younger girl trapped like she did, the pain she was in, and she couldn't do anything to protect her. It was one of the scariest positions she’d ever been in, and that’s coming from someone who has had several guns pointing at her. Not all at once of course, but the girl had been in life threatening situations. But this was scary, and it was scary because it was Ona. 

And she should know better, this wasn't the first time she had been in a situation of losing someone close to her. She was just thankful history hadn’t repeated itself. 

That's when she sobbed harder as she thought about how she had treated the younger girl this last month. How horrible she had been to her, hardly talking to her, being so fucking cold towards her, how selfish she had been. If she had lost Ona today she would never have forgiven herself. She knew she was handling the situation badly, and this was a wake up call.

The thought alone at losing Ona in any way frightened her deeply. She realised if Ona wanted her as just a friend then she was lucky enough to have that. Even if she did want her as so much more. 

She knew she needed to fix things.

She took herself to shower, washing her puffy face, her head was banging from all of her crying. She took a deep breath as she washed the day away. She made her way to her bedroom and looked at her phone, she began to type.

Lucy - Hey, can I pick you up tomorrow?

Ona was drying her hair when she got the text from the older brunette. Like Lucy, she had tried to wash the stressful day off herself, especially her hair. She was shocked to see a text from the older brunette. And when she read it she was even more shocked and slightly confused. Why did she want to pick her up? She was annoyed at how her stomach fluttered, she did still like Lucy after all. But those butterflies died quickly, she assumed Lucy was probably going to give her a hard time about her actions, tell her how foolish it was to run off without her partner. She dried the rest of her hair before she replied.

Ona - Sure, I’ll see you then

Lucy smiled, it wasn't like their texts before, but it was a start.

—-------------

Lucy pulled up in her spot where she would always park, she smiled when she saw the shorter girl sitting at her usual spot on the wall. The northerners' hands were sweating, she really hoped it wasn't too late to make things up with Ona.

The Spaniard took a deep breath as she approached the car, she braced herself to be scolded by Lucy. She kind of regretted agreeing to this, was it too late to run back to her flat? Ona sat in the passenger seat, looking over at Lucy with a timid smile, she was understandably nervous. Lucy had been nothing but weird with her, and frankly rude, she was unsure what she could have wanted.

Lucy smiled a little awkwardly at the younger brunette, she could tell the Spaniard was confused and maybe even a bit scared. Ona wasn’t really herself around her anymore, it broke her heart to see, but she knew it was her own fault. 

“Morning.” Lucy smiled.

“Good morning.” Ona breathed out.

Nearly 10 seconds had passed, Lucy was struggling to find the words that she had practised all last night.

“Ona, I...,” - “So..,” Both girls spoke over the other, making them nervously laugh. 

Lucy took a deep breath.

“Ona, I don’t really know where to start. I’m sorry for being such a dick. I know I’ve been weird this last month. I was just going through some personal stuff and it’s no excuse but it got in the way of my work and affected my relationship with you. And I regret it. I’m really sorry.” She breathed out. “I fucked up, but I really hope I can be your friend again. And if you don’t want that, I understand.” 

Well, Ona wasn't expecting that. Was she happy to hear Lucy apologise? Yes, but she couldn't help but wonder, why? Why did Lucy act that way? They were so close before, close in many ways. She wanted to ask what Lucy meant with ‘personal stuff.’ but she didn't want to rock the boat, this was already a surprise. And a happy surprise at that, Ona wasn't one for holding grudges, even though Ona was young she was just a little more mature than some people her age, and maybe older. 

Ona looked at Lucy, doing that thing where she could see into her soul, her big brown chocolate eyes looking right at her. 

She smiled brightly. “Sí, you were a dick, but It’s okay, these things happen. I would really like to go back to how we were, friends.” 

They both said the word loud and clear ‘friend’, the pair flinching at the fact that they both had said it. But that's what this relationship was now, and always had been. Friends.

“I err, also got you some fresh coffee and some fresh chocolate chip muffins.” Lucy held up the bag smiling gingerly. 

Ona chuckled sweetly. “Okay, that makes it a little better.” 

Lucy felt a little tension leave her shoulders as she passed Ona over her coffee, it may not be perfect but was a start.

—-------------

“Do we have to listen to Christmas music everyday? Mariah Carey is getting on my nerves.” Lucy covered her face in annoyance. 

“Get a grip Bronze, it happens every year. Stop being a grinch!” Jess shouted across the room, laughing with Lauren H.

It was the second week of December, Ona eyed up the newly hung Christmas decorations around the office. She couldn't keep the smile off her face, the Spaniard loved Christmas, it was her favourite time of year.

She loved the music, the food, the gifts, the drinks, the cheesy Christmas movies, but most of all she loved that it was an excuse to be with your loved ones. Though some years were hard, not being able to share it with her family. Her fondest memories was when she was a child, herself and her brother used to try and keep each other awake to spot Father Christmas, though they never did. 

The first year Ona arrived in London she had spent Christmas alone. She had hoped to get a call or card from her parents but they never did. She tried to call, but they didn't answer when they saw it was her number. Her brother called her secretly, but that only hurt her more.

Her friend's face timed her throughout the day, but she insisted they spent the day with their families, not wanting to bother them. So, she spent Christmas alone, she even went into the new years alone.

She had never cried so much in her life. It hurt her, not being able to be with the people she loved, but her parents didn’t want anything to do with her, even if it was Christmas. 

But, since her friends moved to London she had spent every Christmas, New Years and everything in between with them. They would make their traditional festive food, play their music, and partake in the traditions they did when they were children. So, for Ona, Christmas was still a holiday she loved, even if she couldnt spend it with her blood family, she spent it with the family she chose.

Ona and Lucy were watching Jill, Demi and Jordan decorate the Christmas tree. Well, it was more Jill telling the others that they were doing it wrong, moving a bauble every time they placed it on a branch. 

“No! What are you doing? It’s already too crowded down there. Giss it here, you obviously can't reach higher than half way up. Yous put all the decorations at the bottom. No. Jordan don’t hit. You know I’ll have you on the floor.” Jill laughed.

Ona and Lucy chuckled at the show in front of them. “Would Jill really be able to beat Jordan?” Ona asked.

Lucy scoffed. “Not a chance, Jill knows it too.” 

Ona watched on. “Hmm. Tea?” 

“I’ll do it, you made tea last.” Lucy got up and made her way to the kitchen.

Since Lucy apologised just over a week ago she had been trying her best to make it up to Ona. They started going for lunch again, they even went back to the chip shop, Lucy brought Ona on her first week. The texts came back, but they weren't as often, though that was kind of expected.

Lucy even got Ona to agree on taking lifts with her again, but it wasn’t hard, it was December and cold. And yeah, it was still the Spaniards favourite part of the day. But Lucy didn’t need to know that.

It quickly went back to how it was between them, but the flirting had stopped. Well, kind of. Sometimes it had a way of creeping itself in, but neither girl minded, they would laugh it off and change the subject.

It wasn't too different, just a lot less tension. Well, it was a different kind of tension, but neither girl could really understand what it was, it was just…new.

Did Ona get butterflies every morning she got in Lucy's car when the brunette gave her that smile that she loved? Yes. Did Lucy find herself completely mesmerised by Ona when she stuck her tongue out in contraction when she was making notes on her laptop? Yes.

Did they still have feelings for each other? Yes. Did they want more than to be friends? Yes. Did they have the guts to be honest with each other and tell the other how they feel? No. It was complicated.

—-----

“As most of you know, yesterday Harvey Smith or ‘Bugz’ was sentenced to 20 years in prison, with no chance of parole. We also managed to track down most of the members that were involved in working for the Smith brothers, they were sentenced to 10 years. So that's the good news” 

Lucy looked at the white board with all the criminals' faces plastered on it. She continued. 

“Frank Smith's body hasn't been retrieved from the river, we understand the river does lead out to the Thames so it's more than likely it may possibly never be retrieved. The case will be officially closed once the last bits of paper work are complete. Jordan, I'm looking at you.” 

“Will be done by Wednesday, boss.” She nodded.

Lucy smiled. “Okay great, well done guys. This case was an intense one, but you've all done amazing. So, thank you and well done. We’ll start work on the ‘Green’ case next week. I know Hempo’s already got many leads on that. Anyways it's Friday, it's half 4. Rose and Crown it is.”

The group clapped and cheered on closing a case, and of course the mention of the pub. But mostly for putting criminals behind bars. An hour and a half  later most of the team was in the pub. Ona was listening to Demi and Mary argue about what the best Christmas film was when she got a text on the group message. 

Alexia - hey guys, I just wanted to let you know i'm going home this christmas, my mum is getting angry with me for not going, will be gone till after new years. I’m sorry 🙁 Ona my mums asked for you to come.

Mapi - I was going to tell you guys tonight but ingrid has asked me to go with her to Norway for christmas and new years to meet her family, I said yes and we bought tickets already 

Ona felt her heart sink. She felt stupid for it but her eyes started to well up. The thought of spending this Christmas alone really wasn't something she wanted. Even though Alexia had asked her to come she wouldn't accept the offer. Her parents lived a road away from Alexia's parents, she would never chance bumping into them. It would hurt too much knowing they would ignore her if they saw her.

She quickly excused herself and ran to the bathroom, she could feel the tears just about to overflow. She opened the door and crashed into a hard body. 

“I-I’m sorry. I wasn't looking. Oh. Lucy.”

Lucy smiled but it instantly dropped when she saw Ona’s face, her beautiful brown eyes welling up with tears.

“Woah, what's wrong?” She gently put her hand on Ona’s shoulder.

You know when you're already about to cry and you're holding it in as much as you physically can, but someone asks ‘what's wrong?’ and the flood gates open up? Yeah, that's exactly what happened to Ona. She felt the first tear slip, then another, until her cheeks were wet. 

“Oh Ona, what happened? Talk to me.” 

Lucy felt her heart break seeing the younger girl like this. She didn't think about her next move; she just did it. She brought Ona close to her chest. Pulling her into a tight hug. She felt so small in her arms, so vulnerable.

She was the perfect height to fit under Lucy's chin, that's when she felt her body shake from the small sobs. She hugged her even tighter, rubbing her hands up and down Ona’s back in the most gentle motion. 

Maybe it was because of the drink in her system, or the horrible memories she had of her first year here, that she never thought she'd have to experience again, or the fact that she was in Lucy's arms.

When Ona let go, she cried and sobbed. She just needed a little comfort. She needed this so badly. And Lucy was more than happy to let her cry into her chest for as long as she needed.

After about 5 minutes of crying Ona took a deep breath and pulled back, she saw the wet patch she left on Lucy's shirt. 

“Oh, sorry Lucy.” She pointed to the dark patches. 

Lucy looked down at her top and smiled. “It's not the first time a girl got me wet.” 

Ona laughed through wet eyes, only Lucy would say something like that while Ona had just been sobbing. She just wanted to make her laugh and she did. Ona had to shake the inappropriate thoughts from her head.

“What's wrong, Ona?” Lucy grabbed the shorter girl's shoulders, her serious face was now on. 

“It's so stupid, I don't even know why I’m crying like this.” She sniffled. “My friends aren't going to be here for christmas and new years. So, I'll be alone. And….yeah, its stupid.” She shook her head at herself as she wiped her tears. 

“That's not stupid. It makes complete sense why you’d be upset.”

Lucy didn’t know if it was the drink, or the way her heart broke for the petite girl in front of her, or the fact that she wanted to spend any moment she could with Ona, that her next words came out. “Spend it with me.” 

Ona looked up at the older brunette. “What?”

“Yeah, I’m staying with my parents for Christmas. Come with me.” She smiled brightly.

“I couldn't do that.” Ona lied, she could definitely do that.

“Yeah you could. It will be fun. I also have a party I’ve been invited to for new years, you could come with me. Or if you’re not into that we can just spend it together.” 

She wanted that so badly. 

Ona felt her heart pounding. Was this really happening? Her emotions were all over the place. One minute she was a mess of tears, now she could run through the pub and do summersaults. Don’t get her wrong she was sad about her friends not being here for Christmas, but spending any time with Lucy was still something she wanted everyday. 

“I can see a smile creeping on your face. You'll come, yeah?” 

Ona wanted to argue more, she wanted to say no. But she couldn’t bring herself to, she wanted nothing more than to be with Lucy. So what was the point of lying?

Ona nodded, a shy smile plastered her lips. She really hoped Lucy wanted her to come and it wasn't just out of pity. But the smile Lucy gave Ona made those feelings melt away. 

“Good, it's settled, you're coming to mine for Christmas. I’ll be driving, it's a 4 hour drive, you better be a good DJ.” 

Ona threw her head back laughing, that laugh always did something to Lucy. 

“You know I have the better music taste.” Ona teased. 

“Yeah, yeah. Just no Christmas music.” Lucy playfully rolled her eyes.

A silence fell over them, both not knowing what to say, but wanting to say so much. 

“Thank you, Lucy.” Ona wiped her nose.

“You don't need to thank me. It will be fun. I’m going to the bar, what do you want to drink?” 

“Ah, an aperol spritz?” 

Lucy shook her head, smiling. “I don’t know how you drink that. It tastes like petrol.”

The Spaniard laughed. “You just don’t have taste.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Lucy squeezed Ona’s arm as she started to leave for the bar. “You okay, yeah?” 

“Yeah, thank you.” Ona smiled. 

The older brunette made her way to the bar, she couldn't hold back the smile on her face. Did that really just happen? Was she really going to be spending Christmas with Ona? She felt giddy, like a kid on Christmas day. She waited to be served, when she felt someone beside her.

“Hey Lucy.”

“Hi Jen.” Lucy gave her a tight smile.

“Aye, listen I’m sorry about Ona, I didn't know you two were a thing at the time. I wouldn't have said what I said,”

“We’re not a thing.” Lucy finally looked at Jen. 

“Oh? Could have fooled me.”

“What?” 

Jen chuckled. “Come on. I’ve seen you two around. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. And you her.”  

“We’re just friends. Partners. We have to be close.” 

“Aye, yeah, friends.” The Scottish women winked at Lucy. 

“We are just friends. I thought you two were a thing.” 

Jen scoffed. “Are you blind? She likes you. I should've realised when I spoke to her at your birthday. The girl wouldn't stop talking about you.” Jen rolled her eyes playfully. 

“I don’t thi-,” 

“Luce. Come on. She was looking around for you all night at the bar. Asking everyone if they had seen you.” She scoffed again, shaking her head. Whispering the next words. “I tried to dance with her. She thought I was you.” 

“What?” 

Jen rolled her eyes. “This is hurting my ego enough.” She sighed. “I tried to dance with her, and I thought she was into it, until she basically pushed me away after she realised it was me dancing with her. I swear she said your name, thinking I was you.” 

Lucy felt her heart sink. Realisation finally kicking in. 

Jen continued “So yeah. The girl likes you. I thought you were kind of a thing now? Are you not?” Jen looked confused.

“No.” 

“Pshh mate.” Jen put her hand on Lucy's shoulder and shook her head in disbelief. “Anyways, I’ve said enough. Enjoy your night.” 

“Y-yeah, thanks. You too.” 

Lucy let out a deep sigh, shaking her head in disbelief. She felt a weird excited but dreaded feeling in her stomach. Had she really messed up this badly? If Ona did actually like her, she had obviously ruined anything that could have potentially happened between them. Or had she? She did just invite her to have Christmas with her family, and Ona said yes. A quick yes. But, as friends. But? No. Maybe? Maybe there was a chance. 

-----------

Ona was sat on the wall waiting for Lucy to pick her up. It was the morning of Christmas Eve. Ona would be lying if she didn't say she was nervous, only 3 weeks ago herself and Lucy wasn't even speaking, now she was spending Christmas with her and her family. Talk about your turn of events.

Lucy pulled up beeping her horn at Ona, smiling when the girl shook her head at her silliness. Ona wasn't the only one that was nervous. When Lucy asked her to spend Christmas with her and her family, she wasn't actually thinking about what that could mean. She was also maybe a little tipsy when she asked, so she hadn’t thought about the implications of her question, but it didn't make her any less excited that Ona said yes. 

Lucy got out of the car, helping Ona with her bag and what looked like a bag with gifts. 

“Hola, good morning.” Ona smiled.

“Good morning. Here, let's put that in the boot.” She lifted up a bag spotting the wrapping paper. “Ona you didn't have to get any gifts.” Lucy complained.

“What? Don’t be stupid. It's Christmas, of course I have gifts.” She argued.

“Well, thank you but you really shouldn't have.” Lucy shook her head smiling at Ona’s thoughtfulness.

Ona playfully rolled her eyes at the older girl. The pair got into the car and made their way up North. 

The first hour they spoke non stop, it was so easy. They could speak about anything and everything. The second hour they listened to music, Lucy even put on some christmas songs after Ona pouted and gave her puppy dog eyes. By the third hour they played games, like ‘eye spy', ‘21 questions', and ‘would you rather?’ By the fourth hour Lucy noticed Ona’s eyes dropping. Another five minutes and the girl was sleeping quietly next to her.

Lucy couldn't help but steal glances at the younger brunette, her face was so soft. She looked incredibly peaceful. She looked beautiful. 20 minutes before they arrived Lucy woke Ona up, she really didn't want to disturb her but she also thought Ona would want to wake up a little before they arrived.

“Ona. Ona, wake up. Come on, sleepy head.” Lucy gently nudged her.

Ona slowly opened her eyes. She looked confused at first but smiled when she saw Lucy. 

“We’re nearly there.” 

“Sorry Lucy. I didn't mean to sleep for so long.” Ona stretched.

“No, I don’t mind.”

They finally arrived. Lucy turned the engine off and turned to the shorter girl.

“Right, like I said my mum can chat for britain. Just smile and nod. My brother is a dick and is always teasing. His wife Molly is normal, you'll get on with her, maybe.” She smiled cheekily at Ona. “My dad just pots about, he doesn't really get in anyone's way.” 

“Aye, come on, I'll be fine.” 

“Yeah, you will. If anything becomes too much or you just want some of your own space, or just need a break. Please give me a signal. It can be a lot with your own family on Christmas, let alone someone else's.”

Ona gave Lucy a deadpan look. “Lucy, come on.” 

“No, you come on. Give me a signal.” 

Ona scooped Lucy’s little finger with her own. Bringing it in between them. “This okay?”

Lucy's heart skipped a beat. It wasn't an intimate touch, not at all, but it felt special. It felt familiar. Lucy smiled. “Okay, that's good.” 

Ona smiled, she didn't think about what she was doing when she grabbed Lucy's finger. She felt stupid for it but she felt a weird spark, a shiver that travelled through her. But she couldn't help but notice how natural it felt to touch Lucy, even though it was a small piece of her, she liked it a lot.

The girls grabbed their bags and made their way to Lucy's childhood home. The taller brunette knocked on the door and turned to Ona and mouthed ‘Good luck.’

The door opened to an older looking Lucy, Ona recognised Lucy's mum from the face time they had back on Lucy's birthday.

“Oh Ona! It's so lovely to finally meet you!” Lucy's mum side stepped Lucy completely,  engulfing Ona in a rib breaking hug. 

Ona smiled at the older woman, she embraced her hug easily. It had been a while since she had this type of hug, a mothers hug. She instantly felt the warmth from her, it was nice, it was something she had missed for years. 

“It's so nice to finally meet you. Thank you for having me.” Ona tried to not struggle from the squeeze of Lucy's mum.

Lucy's mum finally let go. “Don’t be silly. I’m so happy to have you here.” She held Ona by her arms stroking her lovingly. 

“No you’re alright, I didn't just drive four hours to be ignored.” Lucy said with a deadpan stare at her mum.

“Oh Lucy calm down, I speak to you all the time. She's so moody isn't she Ona? Lord knows what it's like to work with her. Come on then, give me a cuddle.�� Lucy didn't have time to argue, before she was being squashed by her mum's bear-like grip.

Ona smiled at the pair's banter. 

“Come in girls. Get your bags upstairs. Ona what would you like to drink sweetheart? Tea, coffee? Prosecco? I've already opened a bottle.” 

“Oh, I’m okay for now, thank you. But I do have some cinamon rolls for you."

The older women's face lit up. "Oh Ona. Thank you! You shouldn't have, you angle!"

Ona passed the fresh baked goods over. Lucy's mum smiled as she took them. "Such a sweet girl."

Ona’s mum smiled warmly at her. “You let me know if you want anything, don't be scared to ask. Lucy, can you get the games out of the attic please. I can’t reach. John come and say hello to your daughter and Ona. Stop watching that pokie show!” Lucy's mum walked off.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “Come, we'll take these upstairs. You can see my teenage room.” 

Before the girls could move Lucy's mum came back. “Oh Lucy, just so you know you and Ona will have to share your room. We’ve turned your sister's room into a home gym. She doesn't need it living in Australia now. I do my Davina Mcall workout in there every morning. I've lost 5 pounds already!” 

“Erm, okay no problem. Do we still have the blow up bed?” 

“No, your dad popped it when we had some friends round. Had to throw it away. You've got a double bed in your room, you can surely share.”

Lucy looked like a deer in headlights. Her and Ona were going to share a bed in her teenage bedroom? Her teenage self would be fisting the air right now. All three of the women heard Lucy's dad shout something in the background.

“What John? No, I don't know where the tape measurer is. What do you need that for?” And the older woman was gone again.

“Okay, looks like we’re bunking together. Do you mind?” Lucy started to walk up the stairs.

“No, not at all.” Ona smiled. She didn’t mind one bit.

Lucy opened the door to her old bedroom. Things had obviously changed a bit since it was her room, but her mum had kept some of her old posters and football trophies up. 

Ona smiled as she looked at the posters, some looked to have signatures on them. “You liked football huh?” 

“Still do.” Lucy came up behind her. 

“You can play?” Ona picked up one of the old trophies.

“I can. I’m really good.” Lucy said with a cocky smile on her face. 

“Not as good as me though.” A deep voice made them both jump.

Ona turned to see a young man standing in the doorway, he had familiar features to Lucy but only slight. “Hi, you must be the famous Ona. I’m Kevin.” He smiled. That's when Ona saw the resemblance.  

“Hello Kevin, it's lovely to meet you.” Ona smiled.

“She showing off again? She does that a lot.” Kevin smiled playfully.

“I apologise in advance, Ona.” Lucy moved over to hug her brother but was caught in a headlock that she easily got out of after punching her brother right in the chest. 

Ona giggled at the sister and brother relationship. It wasn't too far off her own relationship with her brother, when she had still lived in Spain.

“Auntie Lucy!” A smaller voice joined the commotion.

Ona watched as the little raven haired girl grasped on to Lucy's leg. “Hey, Rudy!” Lucy grabbed the girl and brought her into a hug. “How's my favourite niece?” 

The little girl laughed. “I’m your only niece.”

Lucy kissed her cheek. “Hey Ruds, come say hi to my friend Ona.”

For some reason Ona felt nervous, of all the people she wanted to make a good impression on it was Lucy's niece. She knew Lucy adored the girl, so this was important to her. The little girl nodded suddenly, becoming a little shy. Lucy walked them over to Ona. The Spaniard then noticed Rudy looked like a younger version of Lucy. The resemblance was uncanny. 

“Hello Rudy, I’m Ona.” Ona gave Rudy a small wave. 

“Hello Ona.” The girl tucked her head into Lucy's neck, keeping her eyes on Ona.

“I like your shoes. I've got some just like yours. But I like the colours on yours more.” Ona tapped the girl's shoes. 

“Auntie Lucy got them for me.” She said proudly, smiling at the Spaniard.

“Oh did she? She has good taste.” Ona smiled.

“Yeah. I want juice.” The younger girl escaped from Lucy's arms and ran out of the room. Leaving the two women alone.

“She’s so cute.” 

“Yeah. When she’s not being a brat.” Lucy laughed.

An awkward silence fell over the pair. Ona eyed up the double bed, then back to the posters. “Do you play now?” 

Lucy looked at the posters. “Now and again. I have a team I play on a Sunday with. I played a lot more when I was younger. I nearly went to America to train, but I injured my knee when I was 17. Couldn’t play the same for years after that.” Lucy looked thoughtful.

“Oh. That's awful, I'm sorry Lucy.” 

“Ahh doesn't matter. I doubt I would’ve made it.” Lucy shrugged. 

“Lucy! Ona! Come down, I’ve got the baby album out!” Lucy's mum shouted from downstairs.

The older brunette's eyes closed in frustration. 

“Coming!” Ona smiled wickedly at Lucy. She grabbed Lucy's hand pulling her out the room. “I can’t wait for this.” 

Even though Lucy was just a shade lighter than a tomato she didn't hate the feeling of Ona’s hand in hers. 

—----

“Oh and that’s Lucy on her 5th birthday. It was a football party, of course.”  Lucy’s mum pointed and smiled at the younger Lucy.

“And here’s Lucy having a bath. I’ll tell you what Ona that girl could never keep her clothes on. I’d have to keep an eye on her constantly. She always wanted to be in the nude.” Lucy's mum laughed.

“Mum!” Lucy was a beetroot colour now.

“What? Don’t be embarrassed, you were only a baby.” 

Ona couldn't hold back the laugh as Lucy's mum nudged her arm, laughing with her.

“Okay! I need a drink. Ona? Drink?” Lucy stood up.

“Good idea Lucy, bring the bottle in.” Lucy’s mum said without turning around.

Lucy shook her head, but couldn’t help but smile when she saw Ona getting on with her mum. 

The day went quick. Lucy hardly got to speak to Ona as she was pulled from pillar to post from each family member, even her dad joined in on the fun. The girl had slotted into the family so easily, she got on with everyone, it made Lucy feel at ease. Once Rudy was put to bed Lucy and Ona helped with putting the Christmas presents under the tree. 

That's when Lucy felt the warm skin of Ona’s little finger wrapping around her own. She looked up to see big brown eyes on hers, and a slightly tired smile on her face. Lucy didn't have to say anything, she could read Ona’s face. 

“Mum, we’re heading up.” 

“Okay. We’ll be up in a bit. Lucy, make sure to be a good host and give Ona anything she needs.”

Keven couldn't hold in his laugh on the other side of the room, his wife hitting him quickly. Lucy shot daggers at her immature brother. The girls said their good nights and made their way upstairs. Lucy closed the door behind her as they entered her room.

“You okay?” 

“Sí, sorry I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.” 

“No, that's okay. I’m tired too. I'll grab us towels so we can shower.

—----------

“Okay, so that tap can be a bit temperamental, I’ll put it on for you so you don’t struggle.” 

“Thank you, Luce.” 

They waited in silence for the water to warm up. It was a small bathroom, Lucy could feel Ona right next to her, every so often she could feel her arm accidentally touch her own. She hoped the younger brunette didn’t notice the hairs on her arm stand up or the goosebumps that took over her skin from a simple touch. 

She could feel the Spaniards eyes on her, but she kept her eyes on the running water or anywhere that wasn’t at Ona. She couldn't believe how nervous she felt. Once she was happy with the temperature she left the girl to shower. 

“Okay, that should be good. If you need anything let me know, I’ll be right in. I mean, I w-wont come in obviously. Like, I can…I’ll help with what I can. Without coming in, cos you'll be naked.” 

Ona couldn't hold back the smirk on her face. This may have been the first time she had seen Lucy shy, or tongue tied. Was it cute? Yes! Did she almost reach up to kiss her to stop her stuttering? Almost.

“Don’t worry. I’ll call if I need you.” Ona smiled playfully.

The older brunette chuckled awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck. God, what's wrong with you?

“Right. Good. Let me get out of your way.”

Lucy squeezed by Ona, apologising as her body pressed against hers as she did. She was so close she could smell Ona’s shampoo. The coconut one, the one she liked. 

“Thank you Luce.” 

Lucy let out a deep sigh. She didn't regret asking Ona to come here for Christmas but she didn't realise how hard it was going to be. She wanted the girl. Badly. And having her here was only increasing her feelings. Seeing how easily she slotted in with her family increased it. Singing stupid Christmas songs in the 4 hour car journey increased it. Just having Ona by her side increased it. 

Lucy scrolled on her phone sitting on her bed as she waited for Ona to finish in the shower. When the bathroom door opened she nearly forgot how to breathe. She may have pictured Ona like this a few times. No, a lot of times. But this was the real thing, now she was actually in front of her. She came out in her towel, water droplets dripped down her milky skin. The baby hair on the back of her neck curled from the heat of the shower. Her freckled cheeks flushed a hot pink from the heat. Fuck. This was going to be difficult.

“Done. Thank you.” Ona smiled sitting down on the other side of the bed. 

Lucy swallowed on her dry throat. “Great, erm….Yeah, okay.” 

She kept her eyes down as she made her way to the bathroom. She undressed and got in the shower. She closed her eyes and let out another deep sigh as the hot water ran down her skin. She tried to rid herself of her dirty thoughts, but she couldn't stop the images of a naked Ona in her room. She tried to push them away but it only got worse when the memory of Ona underneath her rushed into her thoughts.

She could feel the start of a small throbbing sensation between her legs. Her hand started to creep down her stomach as she remembered the way Ona panted and thrusted beneath her. The way Ona’s brown eyes looked up at her as she bit her lip, the moans the girl let out as she squirmed underneath her. Before Lucy realised what she was doing her hand was between her legs touching her clit. 

It wasn't the first time she had thought about Ona like this, she was a regular occurrence in Lucy's late night fantasies. But she couldn't do this now, not with Ona right next door, it felt wrong, seedy almost. She moved her hand away, but not without noticing the shiny essence on her finger tips. 

This was going to be a long two nights. 

Lucy let out another sigh. In her rush to the bathroom she had left her pyjamas on the bed. She was going to have to change in front of Ona. Fuck sake. She opened the door to see Ona already tucked up in bed. Her long hair was down, like that night at the bar. Her sleepy eyes caught Lucy, sending her a cute smile. But that cute smile dropped quickly when her dark eyes roamed the older brunette's wet body.

Just like Lucy, Ona had pictured very similar situations with the girl in front of her half naked. But in her dirty thoughts she was fully naked. And just like Lucy, Ona had the older brunette constantly on her mind whenever she had her hand between her legs. Picturing the older girl in many different situations. She was doing it right now, even with Lucy in front of her, she couldn't help it. It wasn't until she heard Lucy's voice that she was brought out of her dirty day dream.

“Ona? Do you mind if I change?” Lucy asked. 

“Huh? Sorry, what?” Ona didn’t realise she was staring.

Lucy couldn't stop the smile. A knowing smile. “I’m just going to change. Is that okay?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I won't look. I promise.” She let out a small nervous chuckle. “I’m on my phone.” Ona quickly glanced back at her phone, wanting to give her host some privacy. She did a good job at first, scrolling aimsley on her insta feed. She was concentrating hard to not let her eyes go any further, though she may have glanced up once or twice at the girl. 

Lucy wasn’t facing her, Ona could only see her back, her very muscular back. She looked at her phone, trying her best to not creep on her friend. But her eyes glanced up once more. Lucy had bottoms on already. She was just in time to see the older brunette putting her shirt over her head, catching her firm stomach as she turned back to Ona. She darted her eyes down quickly but of course Lucy caught her. 

Lucy slotted into the space next to Ona. The room suddenly felt like it had no air. 

“So, how has today been?” Lucy wanted to try and pop the hot bubble that was making her sweat. 

Ona looked up from her phone, she didn't even release, she was just looking at the weather app now, too focused on trying to regulate her breathing. 

“Amazing! Your family are so sweet. I’ve already had so much fun. I-I can't thank you enough, Lucy. It means a lot to me that you have welcomed me to celebrate with your family.”

“You’re more than welcome. They love you, you know? They weren't even this nice to any of my exes.” Lucy chuckled, until she realised how weird that sounded. Why was she putting Ona in the same sentence as her exes? Maybe because the next time she saw her family with Ona she wanted her to be more than her friend.

Ona smiled shyly, she didn't miss what Lucy said, but she didn't take it to heart. Clearly  Lucy didn't mean anything by it, she was just comparing. Yeah, it was a bit weird to be compared to her past lovers but Ona would just ignore the nervous feeling in her stomach at the thought of her family liking her more then her actual girlfriends. 

Lucy quickly changed the subject, asking Ona what Christmas was like back in Spain. The younger girl was more than happy to give Lucy a small history lesson on the traditions back home. It wasn't until Ona started to yawn that Lucy decided to call it a night. 

“Right you, let's get you to sleep. Got a big day tomorrow.” Lucy teased.

Ona rolled her eyes at the older girl, smiling as she tucked herself into the covers. Lucy rolled over and turned off the side light, immersing the pair into darkness. She made herself comfortable, as comfortable as she could. She could still feel the slight throbbing between her legs. Having Ona inches next to her did not help, especially when she felt the girl's hand glide up stomach as she moved around next to her. 

Her breath hitched in her throat as her body tensed up.

“Sorry.” Ona whispered.

“It's okay. If you wanted to cop a feel you could have just asked.” Lucy giggled.

“Idiota.” Ona chuckled back.

Half an hour later Ona was fast asleep, but the same couldn't be said for Lucy, she found herself staring at the ceiling, listening to Ona’s steady breathing. She tried to close her eyes and relax but her mind was on overdrive. 

She was thinking of all the ways she could tell Ona. Tell her the truth about why she was such a dick before. Tell her how much it killed her to not talk to her, why she ignored her texts, declined the lunches with her. Explain why she became so cold. Come clean about how Ona was the first and last thing that she thought about everyday since laying eyes on her. 

After an hour of her brain screaming at her, Lucy started to drift to sleep. But as soon as her mind started to calm it was woken back up. The shorter girl beside her shuffled in her sleep, capturing one of Lucy's thighs between her own. And even with the fabric as a barrier, Lucy instantly felt the unmistakable wetness that started to dampen through onto her own skin. 

And if that wasn't enough to send her brain into a complete overdrive, the girl ever so slightly began to grind her hips into Lucy's thigh. The smallest of whimpers escaped the Spaniard's lips as she unknowingly used Lucy's body for her own pleasure. The girl was clearly having a sex dream. Next to Lucy. In Lucy’s bed. And she could fucking feel it. 

“Fuck.” Lucy breathed out. 

Was this really happening? Should she wake the girl? No! She’d be mortified. Maybe if she tried to move her leg? But as soon as she did, Ona only got closer, pushing herself right up into Lucy. Her face was so close to her, she could still smell the mint from her toothpaste. Ona whimpered again, clearly finding a sweet spot in her new position, Lucy could feel the girl becoming wetter. Her own clit was throbbing.

She needed to put a stop to this, even though she really didn't mind Ona using her as her own sex toy. Just as she was about to fully move from Ona, she heard her own name being moaned. 

“Lucy.” Ona whispered. 

Lucy’s whole body stiffened. Was she hearing that right? Ona was saying her name? She was dreaming about Lucy. Her name was being moaned into her ear by the girl she was already wet over. Onas hips picked up a faster paste, her small moans making Lucy's skin heat up. She felt dizzy, she bit her lip trying to hold in her own groan. Ona’s wet fabric was sliding up her thigh, she could feel the warmth radiating from between her legs. 

Just as she was about to stop the shorter girl, she felt her body stiffen. She didn't make a sound. She held her breath. Ona let out a tiny sigh and her body relaxed again. Snuggling her face into Lucy’s shoulder. 

The older brunette couldn’t move. She swallowed the spit in her mouth like she was out of breath, how did that just happen? She couldn’t believe Ona had just used her to get off. Well, in her sleep. How did that just happen? Lucy was sweating, she could feel her clit crying to be touched. But she couldn't, and she wouldn't. She would have to wait until she got back home. 

Even though she didn’t want to move from Ona’s grip, she needed to get to the toilet. She removed herself from the girl and from the sheets, Ona was in an ignorance of bliss, sleeping soundly. Lucy went to the toilet, wiping away any of own essence. She couldn’t stop the smile when she saw the damp spot on her trousers from the girl in the other room. She splashed some cold water onto her face to try and calm herself down.

Lucy made her way back into bed, trying her best not to wake the girl next to her. She could still feel the heat between her own legs, ignoring as best as she could. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 

—------------

Ona was confused when she awoke, this wasn't her bed. Then the feeling of hot air on her neck tickled her, causing her to shiver. That's when she remembered she was at Lucys. She didn't realise a strong arm was wrapped around her body until it pulled her effortlessly closer, she could feel the warm body pressed up against her back, the strong arm locking her in. Lucy was holding her like she was her own teddy bear, their bodies pressed up against each other like lovers.

Ona was fully awake now, she could hear Lucy's shallow breathing, she was still asleep. Lucy's core was pressed right up against Onas’s arse, she could feel the heat coming from between the girls legs. It reminded her of her own dream last night, maybe she was still dreaming?

She couldn't stop the silent gasp as she felt Lucy pull her impossibly closer. She bit her lip, loving the feeling of the strong girl against her body. 

Did she do the responsible thing and move away from her friend? No. She gently counted her hips backwards, pushing her arse into Lucy, loving the way the older brunette's breath hitched in her sleep. Lucy nuzzled closer to her neck, her lips gently brushed the Spaniard's neck. Ona closed her eyes as she felt Lucy’s soft lips against her skin, she could feel her own body heating up, her nipples straining against her top.

That's when Lucy's phone alarm went off. Ona closed her eyes, pretending to still be asleep. She knew Lucys was probably going to freak out when she saw the position they were in. And like clock work she felt Lucy's body stiffen, she was clearly awake. Did it break Ona’s heart just slightly? Of course. But she couldn't feel like that for long, not when she felt Lucy's soft lips press a light kiss to her neck. 

She must still be dreaming. Did that just happen? Did Lucy just kiss her? Why? Why did she kiss her? What did that mean? She felt Lucy move away, her body suddenly felt cold. She then felt Lucy pat her back. 

“Ona. Wake up. It's Christmas!” 

Hearing Lucy's morning voice did something to Ona’s insides. Her accent sounded even thicker. If she didn't know the girl so well she’d probably find it hard to understand her morning mumbles.

Ona pretended to wake, she smiled and stretched her body. “Bon dia.” She turned around to face a very sleepy, cute looking Lucy. “Merry Christmas.” Ona yawned.

Lucy smiled and stretched. “How did you sleep?” She knew how the girl slept, but she wasn't about to reveal that.

“Good, thank you. You?” 

“Not too bad. You didn't take up too much room, so I can’t complain.” She smirked.

“I don’t get many complaints when sharing a bed with another woman.” Ona giggled. 

Lucy laughed out loud. “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t.”

This was a whole other layer being added to their relationship. It felt almost like how they were before, tip toeing on a fine line of friendship and flirting, the undertones of wanting each other was becoming more apparent. 

“It smells like breakfast is on.” Lucy stretched.

“Hmm, I can't wait.”

“Remember don’t force yourself to eat things, if you don't want anything just say so. My mums a feeder.” Lucy warned.

“Good thing I'm an eater.” Ona winked. 

Lucy chuckled. “Okay, you ready?” Lucy sat up.

“Sí, but can I give you your present now?”

Lucy’s face broke into a huge smile. “You got me a present?”

“Of course.” 

“I got you one too. I wasn't sure when to give it to you.” 

Now it was Ona’s turn to smile. She watched as Lucy got out the bed and made her way to her bag, Ona copied her movements, moving over to her own bag. Ona would be lying if she didn't say she was extremely excited that Lucy got her a present. She of course had a small slither of hope that she would, but she didn't actually think she would. She pulled out the gold box from her bag, hoping she got Lucy something she actually liked. 

Ona pulled out the neatly wrapped green and red papered package, with a red envelope on top. She smiled as she saw Lucy looking a little nervous on the other side of the room, she was holding a small gold wrapped box. 

“Merry Christmas, Lucy.” She stepped forward..

“Merry Christmas, Ona.” Lucy nervously smiled.

They exchanged their gifts. Ona opened the small golden box to find a blue jewellery box encased, she smiled as Lucy watched her. She gently opened the box to find a gold necklace with a gold smiley face attached to the chain. Ona’s eyes lit as eyed the gold chain, she couldn't stop her own smile on her face. She loved it. She looked up to see Lucy's nervous face.

“Lucy, I love it! Thank you so much!”

“Yeah? You sure? If you dont its okay.”

“What? No, I love it! Can you put it on me?” 

Lucy gave Ona a toothy smile. “Turn around.” 

Ona pushed her hair to the side to give Lucy space. She felt as Lucy's fingers skimmed her skin, making her shiver. Lucy didn't miss the way the younger girl's skin prickled with goosebumps from her touch. It brought back scenes from last night, making her own heart race, she tried to calm herself before her cheeks turned red.

Ona turned around, the gold chain shining on her neck.

“It suits you.” Lucy ran her eyes over the chain.

“Thank you. It's perfect.”

Ona noticed Lucy's face looked a little flush. “Open yours.”

Lucy opened the envelope first, it was a christmas card with a piece of paper inside. She skimmed her eyes over the writing, her eyes widened in surprise. She read it out loud. 

“The Big London Bake. You and your guest will have a day of eating, baking and of course a day of fun.” She licked her lips as she smiled back at Ona. “I have wanted to do this for the longest time! I can’t believe it, how did you know? How did you get tickets? They're always booked up.” 

“I know you like baking, and I have a friend who knows a friend.” Ona winked playfully.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am! Thank you so much! When do you wanna go?” 

“You don't have to bring me, I-,” 

Lucy cut her off. “There is no way I’m taking anyone else. Of course you’re coming.”

Ona looked at her feet as she smiled. “Open your other present.”

Lucy tore open the paper, smiling as soon as she saw it. It was a picture frame with a picture of Ona and Lucy laughing on stage at the karaoke bar. 

“I still don’t know why we’re doing this job and not forming a band.” Lucy chuckled. “I love it. Thank you, Ona.” 

The younger brunette giggled as she looked at the picture. Their relationship was definitely blurring now. Both girls could feel it. Feelings were growing, and both girls didn't stop it, they were letting it grow, pushing it to grow. 

—----------

“Merry Christmas girls!” Lucy's mum was cooking pancakes at the oven.

“Merry christmas!” The pair said in sync.

“Can I help with anything?” Ona walked over to Lucys mum.

“No my darling, you’re our guest. But thank you. You have a seat. Are you hungry? I’ve got lots to choose from. Lucy get Ona a tea, or is it coffee you like dear? Lucy put the kettle on.”

Lucy rolled her eyes at her mum. Ona giggled at their relationship, it was a typical mum and daughter relationship. She smiled as she watched Lucy's mum grab her cheek and lovingly smile at her daughter as she put the kettle on. 

“Ona my darling do you like pancakes?”

“I do.” 

“With chocolate chips?”

“Even better.” 

“Perfect. Got a fresh batch for you now. Do you like orange juice?” Lucy's mum brought the fresh batch of warm chocolate chip pancakes over to Ona. 

“Thank you so much. This looks amazing!” 

Lucy's mum smiled as she squeezed Ona’s shoulder in that mum type way. It was something she didn't realise she had missed so much. Lucy brought over a coffee for Ona, not needing to ask what she wanted, she knew that was her morning drink. 

“Where's Kevin? And dad?” Lucy asked as she sat down. Her mum placed a stack of pancakes in front of Lucy. 

“They all went for a walk. Rudy was up early, bouncing off the walls.” Her mum chuckled. 

The three chatted as they had their morning breakfast. Once they were done the girls had a shower and changed into their clothes. 

“Girls you ready? We have a very impatient 6 year old down here.”

“Okay, show time you ready?” Lucy smiled.

“Sí.” Ona smiled.

They made their way downstairs to open presents. That’s when Ona noticed the large Santa sacks under the tree that definitely weren't there last night. They had large gold initials stitched onto the red fabric. One had an L, a K, an M for Kevin's wife Molly, and then she spotted the sack with an O. She stopped in her tracks, Lucy bumping into her from behind. She felt her hand on her shoulder. 

“You okay?” Lucy looked concerned.

“Ah yeah, sorry.” 

“Come.” Lucy took Ona’s hand in hers and sat them down.

“Ona!” Rudy ran over to the Spanird a present in her hand. 

“Ona this is from me. Open it.” the mini version of Lucy demanded.

“Oh my. Thank you. Is it not from santa?” Ona chuckled.

“Not this one.” Rudy smiled cheekily.

“Oh, okay.” Ona smiled at Lucy as she opened the present.

It was a mug with ‘Top copper’ on it. 

Ona laughed. “I love it! Thank you so much, Rudy.” She opened her arms for the girl. Rudy jumped on her lap and tucked herself into the Spaniard's neck. Lucy grabbed her phone and quickly took a picture of the pair.  Rudey jumped off the girl and ran back over to her mum and dad, ready to open her presents. 

“Okay, present time.” Lucy’s mum passed over Ona and Lucy the heavy sacks.

“Th-thank you. You didn't have t-,”

Lucy's mum was quick to stop her. “No, I don't want to hear any of that.” She grabbed her cheek like she did Lucys and gave her a kiss on her head.

Ona couldn't believe it, she wasn't expecting any kind of gift from anyone, let alone a whole sack. She looked over at Lucy who was smiling at her, gesturing for her to open her sack. She untied the knot to find loads of wrapped up presents. She felt overwhelmed. She hadn't had anything like this before, not since she was a child. She reached in and began to open her presents alongside Lucy.

The list of items was long. She had opened a perfume set, face masks, nail varnish set, a baking cookbook, a candle, pjs set, a hot water bottle with an O stitched in, a hot chocolate set, a bath bomb set, bath soak, hand cream, chocolates, woolly socks, a £30.00 gift card, lip gloss and a beautiful brown leather notebook. Ona could feel the tears in her eyes. She quickly stood up and excused herself. 

Lucy and her mum looked at each other with worry. The older brunette quickly followed Ona out of the room to find her in the kitchen at the sink, a small tear was rolling down her face. 

“Hey, you okay? What's wrong?” Lucy stroked Ona’s arm.

“I’m so sorry. Nothing is wrong, it's just. Your family have been so nice to me. It's overwhelming. They have spoilt me.” She chuckled threw a tear. 

Lucy smiled, she rubbed the girl's arm and pulled her in for a hug, she understood. She knew Ona hadn't been with her own family in so long let alone for Christmas, she knew this holiday was difficult in many ways for the younger girl. Ona loved it, but it also brought weird feelings for her. She held the girl tight, rubbing her back soothingly. 

“Hey, It's okay, Ona. It can be a lot. It's a hard day for you. Don't apologise. I know my mum definitely goes over the top aswell.” She wiped away a tear from Ona’s cheek.

“Thank you, Luce. It's very generous, I just wasn't expecting it.” She looked up, Ona could feel her heart beating, Lucy's face was suddenly so close to hers, looking in her eyes so deeply. Like she was trying to read her mind, her green eyes searched her face, landing on her mouth. Ona stopped breathing. 

“Is Ona okay?” Lucy's mum walked into the kitchen.

Lucy took a step back from Ona, hearing her mum’s voice.

“Sí, I am. Sorry, I am just so happy. You’ve been so kind to me.” Ona smiled.

“Oh my darling!” Lucy's mum scooped Ona up in a hug, squeezing the girl tightly to her chest. “I’m glad their happy tears. I’m sorry if it was too much.” She stroked Ona’s cheek. 

“No, no! Not at all. You’ve been so welcoming. It’s so nice. Thank you so much for my gifts.” 

Lucy's mum smiled lovingly at her. “You’re welcome Ona. We’ve loved having you here. You’re welcome here anytime.”

Ona smiled, she had missed this. A mothers love. 

“Do you want tea, Ona?” Lucy asked. 

Ona nodded. “Thank you, Luce.” 

“Tea then we drink.” Lucy's mum winked.

Ona and Lucy chuckled, agreeing on the plan. 

The rest of Christmas day went perfectly. Everyone loved the presents Ona had got them. Christmas dinner was served and everything was cooked to perfection. Ona had sat next to Lucy, every so often their arms would brush but neither girl said anything. They all sat down to watch ‘The Grinch’. Ona would catch those familiar green eyes on her every half an hour, smiling at her everytime she caught her. She wondered if Lucy even watched the film.

Then the board games came out. Ona got to see first hand just how competitive Lucy was, it made her cry with laughter watching the older brunette and her brother argue over the games. Ona, Lucy and Rudy played football in the garden, Lucy's brother also joined in, and ended up in a headlock.

As it came closer to the evening a few neighbours came by for drinks, the music was blaring and everyone was having a good time. Ona found herself being spun around by one of Lucy's neighbours, as the group danced away. Ona had found herself staring at Lucy while she danced with Rudy in her arms. It made her heart melt as the pair giggled at something Rudy said. 

“Ona, do you want a drink?” Suddenly Lucy was in front of the Spaniard.

Ona was blushed from the dancing. A huge smile plastered on her face, making Lucy's heart melt. “Please. Thank you.”

Lucy nodded, she made her way to the kitchen in search of more alcohol. She looked in the mini fridge stocked with bottles of drink. She grabbed a bottle and popped the cork, pouring herself and Ona some prosecco.

“So, how long have you loved her?” 

Lucy jumped at the deep voice, she turned around to see her brother Keven standing at the door frame, a playful smile on his face.

“What?” Lucy turned back around to continue pouring.

“Come on, Lucy. Don't play dumb. You can see it a mile away. You can practically see the heart shape in your eyes. Even the way Ona looks at you.”

“Leave it out Kevin.”

He stepped next to his sister, leaning on the kitchen side, a serious face now sat on his features. 

“I’m not trying to wind you up Luce, you seem so much happier, and I can't help but think it's Ona that’s done it.” He smiled at his younger sister.

Lucy scoffed. “Is it that obvious?” 

Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Does a bear shit in the woods?” 

The siblings laughed, it was rare for them to have a conversation that didn't end up teasing the other over a game or even what the other was dressed in, it was different, it was nice.

“I hope you're planning on asking her out. Even Molly was asking if she was single. I think she wants your girl.” He winked, making Lucy laugh.

“Yeah, I think I will. I just need the right ti-,” 

“Hey Luce, do you need me?” Ona entered the kitchen with a big smile on her face. 

“Just in time! She does Ona, she needs you.” Kevin smiled as he nudged his sister, Lucy gave her brother daggers but in truth, he wasn’t lying. He chuckled to himself, leaving the two girls alone. 

Ona smiled as she approached Lucy, it was her cute tipsy smile. Lucy had seen it a few times now, it never got any less cute. Lucy turned round, her back to the sink, facing the shorter girl. 

“Are you having a good time?” 

Ona walked up to the taller brunette and took the glass from Lucy's hand, making sure her fingers lingered on hers.

“I am. Your neighbours are fun. They can dance!” Ona giggled.

“Yeah, they do like a good time. Garry's having fun with you.” Lucy chuckled as she drank her drink.

“Hmm, sounds like someone jealous.” Ona chuckled.

“What if I am?”

“You? No, you're not jealous.” Ona teased.

“Well, I haven't had a chance to dance with you yet.”

Ona stepped a little closer to Lucy. Her brown eyes looked up at the taller girl. “You can dance with me.”

“Yeah?” 

“All you have to do is ask. I’d be all yours.” Ona whispered. 

Lucy could feel her body gravitating towards Ona, she couldn't take her eyes off of her lips. Her heart was in her throat. Was this about to finally happen? 

Ona licked her own lips. Her hands were sweating. She had wanted this for so long.

“All mine?” Lucy's words were just above a whisper.

“Sí.” Ona closed her eyes as she was finally about to kiss the girl she loved.

The girls lips were inches apart, months of wanting this exact moment, finally seconds away. Until a roar of laughter came tumbling into the kitchen. Lucy's dad and two other neighbours were completely unaware they had just ruined the moment.

Ona jumped from the commotion, automatically stepping back from their bubble. Lucy closed her eyes in frustration, she could have killed her dad. Ona eyed the brunette a shy smile on her face as she drank her drink. 

“Lucy, Ona! We’re doing shots. Come on, get over here.” Lucy’s dad laughed.

The girls eyed each other, both hungry with lust. It was clear what they both wanted now. Both girls had leaned in, both wanted the kiss, there was no mistaking the heat between them. 

The night got later, everyone continued to dance and drink, including Lucy and Ona, both girls stole glances throughout the night. Lucy wanted nothing more than to take Ona upstairs and have some time with the girl but the house was full. People would look for them within a couple of minutes, she'd have to wait. She just didn't know how long.

—-----------

“Night Garry, night Pauline. I’ll see you next week.” Lucy's mum slurred as she closed the front door, saying her goodbyes to the last guess.

“Okay mum, we're off to bed.” Lucy yawned.

“Okay, sleep well. I think you have a new admirer, Ona. Gary wouldn't leave you alone.” Lucy's mum winked.

Ona chuckled. “I know, I couldn't even keep up with his dancing!”

“He is funny. Alright girls. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

“Try to keep it quiet. The walls are thin!” Kevin laughed, but his laugh was cut off as his mum slapped him beside the head.

Lucy shut her bedroom door behind her, Ona stumbled in front of her, she was definitely more drunk than Lucy. The older brunette had slowed down her drinking, knowing she had a 4 hour drive home, also Ona was a lightweight when it came to drinking. 

The Spaniard  smiled as she looked over the pictures on the dresser, she hadn't noticed them until now. One in particular caught her eye, if it wasn't for the 90s clothing she would have thought it was Rudy. It was Lucy as a child with a cheeky smile that she still made now, she had her arm around a blonde girl, laughing and pointing at Lucy.  

She casted her eyes over the other pictures, the same blonde girl was in a picture with Lucy but it was years later, similar poses, the blonde laughing and Lucy looking as cheeky as always.

“Whos this?” Ona picked up the picture smiling. 

Lucy walked over, she looked at the picture and felt her heart sink.

“That's Sophie, she was my best friend.”

Ona noticed the sadness in Lucy's voice straight away.

“I’m sorry. Are you no longer friends?”

Lucy shook her head. “No, we never argued. We were friends since we were 4, she moved in a few doors down. Our mums became friends and then we naturally became closer.”

Ona smiled as she listened to Lucy. She continued.

“We did everything together. If I was there, so was she. She even worked with me on the force.” She chuckled. “Sarina made us partners at the same time. We couldn't believe it.” Lucy's eyes became watery. “We were on an early morning raid. Like we had done 100 times before. The house was declared clear. We went inside to collect evidence, but there was a man hiding inside the house. He shot her. She died before the ambulance even arrived.” 

Ona felt her own eyes watering as she watched a single tear fall from Lucy's face. 

“Sorry. Bladdy drink.” Lucy sniffled.

Ona grabbed Lucy in a hug like she had done for the smaller girl before. 

“I’m so sorry Lucy.” She rubbed the taller girls back soothingly. 

“Thank you.” 

The girls spoke about Lucy and Sophie and the antics they got into when they were young. The holidays they had been on, the night clubs they had been kicked out of. Ona couldn't stop the smile on her face, it was like learning a whole new side of Lucy. The older brunette's face lit up talking about her memories with her childhood best friend. It broke Ona’s heart that Lucy had been holding this all in, all the pain she had been through. 

The girls had found themselves laying on the bed, both their eyes slowly closing as they spoke. It was Onas eyes that closed first, mumbling about something Lucy couldn't really understand.

“Okay, let's get to bed.”

Ona groaned like a child “Can you get my clothes?”

Lucy playful rolled her eyes, a drunk Ona was a very cute Ona. She grabbed the girl's pj from her bag and threw them towards Ona. 

“Here you go.”  She chuckled as Ona groaned again.

Lucy looked in her own bag for her pjs. She couldn't help but feel a lot lighter, she hadn't talked about some of those memories since she had lost her best friend. It had been hard for the girl to talk about Sophie over the years, it was hard for her to find the strength to talk about her. But for some reason she felt completely comfortable talking to Ona about her, about their memories, about the bad days and the good days.

Lucy turned around to find Ona half dressed, her bottoms were on but her bed top was wrapped around arms.

“You okay there?” 

Ona flopped on the bed, her t-shirt trapping her arms. 

“Help me.”

Lucy chuckled, she walked over to the younger brunette, she helped her pull her shirt down, over her toned stomach. 

“Thank you Luce.” Ona crawled up to the top of the bed, snuggling herself beneath the covers. Lucy quickly changed, feeling sleep take over her own body. She finally climbed into the bed next to Ona. Turning off the light.

“You have soft lips.” Ona mumbled.

“What?” Lucy chuckled.

“I felt you kiss me in the morning, on my neck. You have soft lips.” 

“Oh…I’m sor-,” Lucy stuttered. 

“It's okay. I really liked it.” Ona whispered.

“So did I.”

“I just wish it was my lips.” 

Lucy smiled shyly, her heart fluttered. When she kissed Ona this morning she didn't do it in a sexual or seedy way. She had woken to Ona pushing herself into her. Her lips were already on Ona when she woke up. So when she woke she didn't think twice, she pressed her lips to her milky skin. 

"I wanna kiss you, Luce."

Lucy wanted to but Ona was drunk, she didn't want their first kiss like this.

“I want to so badly, but maybe when we’re not drunk? Ask me again when you're sober?"

Ona smiled. "Okay, I'll ask again."

It only took a minute before Ona was snoring.

The next morning Ona woke up to an empty bed, she then heard what sounded like the shower running. She was pleasantly surprised she wasn't as hungover as she would have thought, just a small headache, but nothing more. The bathroom door opened to a fresh face looking Lucy.

“Morning sleepy head.” Lucy smiled.

“Morning.” Ona stretched.

“How you feeling?” Lucy started to brush out her wet hair.

“Not too bad, you?”

“A little headache but nothing a full english and paracetamol can't handle.”

“Yes! I love the English breakfast!” Ona kicked her feet excitedly.

“Good, my mum goes OTT, so hopefully you’ll enjoy it.” 

“Can I shower before we go down?” Ona climbed out of the bed.

“Of course. I put a fresh towel in there for you.”

The girls got ready for breakfast, and like Lucy promised, her mum had gone in on the food, she had cooked the works and more. She placed a full English breakfast in front of a very hungry Ona. 

“Thank you!” 

“You let me know if you want anything else, I've got plenty to go.”

The kitchen was a hub of chatter as everyone talked about the night before, laughing at jokes and teasing Ona that she had a new admirer. She couldn't help but still glances at Lucy as they all laughed. The time finally came for the girls to get ready for their drive home. 

Everyone waited at the front door as the girls came to the door.

Lucys mum opened her arms out grabbing Ona in a hug, while Lucy hugged her dad.

“Oh Ona, thank you so much for spending Christmas with us. You are welcome anytime, I hope you know that.” 

Ona hugged back as much as she physically could. “Thank you so much. This has been one of the best Christmases I've ever had. You made me feel so special. Thank you.”

Lucy's dad hugged his daughter tightly. “She's a good one. Do something about it.” 

Lucy smiled, even her dad could see right through her. She hugged him tighter. 

“Make sure to drive slow. Don't go faster than you need to, stay in the slow lane.” Her mum warned.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, Been driving for 10 plus years now.” 

Rudy grabbed Ona’s legs. “Bye Ona.” 

Ona knelt down and hugged the mini Lucy. “Goodbye Rudy. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye pip squeak.” Lucy held her arms open for Rudy. The little girl giggled as she flung herself into Lucy.

The girls said their goodbyes to everyone, and got in Lucy's car. 

There had been a thick buzz between the girls since the morning. Their chat last night wasn't forgotten between the pair, but neither had said anything about it. But they didn't need to, they both knew what they wanted. It was just a 4 hour drive away. 

Finally they pulled up to Ona’s flat, helping her Ona with her bags. Lucy followed Ona into her flat, she smiled as she looked around the new space.

“You’ve got a nice place here.” Lucy lowered the bags. 

The shorter brunette walked up to Lucy. “Do you wanna see my bedroom?” 

“More than anything.” Lucy whispered. She cupped Ona’s face into her hands, she lowered herself to Ona’s lips, the lips she had wanted to kiss for months. 

Finally, their lips met. It was soft and sweet. There was no rushing, no pushing, just their lips exploring the other. Even though they had waited so long for this, they didn't want to rush. Both girls were finally getting what they had wanted for the longest time, they wanted to make the first kiss last.

But as soon as Lucy slipped her tongue into the mix and made Ona whimper, all the above went out the window. She couldn't hold back any longer. Lucy’s tilted Ona’s head back just a fraction, pushing the girl for a deeper kiss. Ona whimpered again, letting Lucy take full control of their movements. The kisses started to become messy and loud, the girls were clearly hungry for each other. The months, weeks, days of wanting, were finally here. 

“Where’s your room?” 

“First door on the left.”

The taller girl grabbed Ona by the waist lifting her up. Ona giggled as she wrapped her legs around Lucy’s waist, she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about this exact moment for a long time. 

Lucy carried the shorter girl to the bedroom, never letting their lips come apart. She walked into the open bedroom and gently lowered Ona on the bed below, laying her body on the girl beneath her. Her lips attacked Ona’s neck, sucking and kissing at the soft skin. 

“Fuck, Lucy.” Ona gasped. 

Lucy smirked proudly hearing Ona moan her name. She continued her actions, leaving small red marks everywhere her mouth touched, loving the noises she was pulling from Ona. She couldn't stop her hips from grinding into the girl, her desperate moans making Lucys pussy throb. She finally pulled back. 

“Can I take this off?” She pulled the bottom of Ona’s top.

“Yes, take it off. All of it.” She panted as she sat up.

Lucy nodded. She removed Ona’s top, then her bra, revealing her beautiful breast. She couldn't stop herself from kissing the girl's stomach. She watched as Ona’s tight abs flexed, feeling Lucy's mouth on her skin. She continued to kiss down Ona’s stomach as she popped open the girl's jeans. She quickly undone her zip and began to pull down the clothing. She looked at the girl below her, taking in her beautiful body. Her gold necklace stood out against her milky skin. 

“You too.” Ona pulled at Lucy’s top.

Lucy smiled at the girl below her, she did as the Spaniard asked and removed her clothing. Ona stared at the girl standing above her, Lucy's body was unreal, her muscular arms flexed as she pulled her clothing off. She was truly stunning. Ona sat up, she attached her mouth to Lucy's stomach, sucking on her tight skin as she undone her jeans, wanting to move this along.

Ona spotted the wet patch seeping through the fabric between Lucy's legs, smiling playfully as she eyed the older brunette. 

“Can I take these off?”

Lucy looked down at the girl, her bright brown eyes looking up at her with so much lust, so much want. It only added to the wetness pooling in between Lucy's legs.

“Yeah.” She swallowed.

Ona slowly pulled down the fabric, she let out a sigh as she saw the shiny arousal sticking to Lucy's lips. She began to kiss Lucy's thighs, getting closer to the area she wanted most, she could smell how aroused Lucy was, her own wetness dripping between her legs. 

She got closer to the sweet spot, her lips kissed Lucy's wet sensitive lips, jolting as she felt Ona. 

Ona dipped her tongue between Lucy's lips, coating her tongue in the girl's juices. Lucy gasped as her head rolled back. Ona took another long lick hitting Lucy's already swollen clit, groaning as she tasted the girl above. 

Lucy watched as Ona started to lap at her pussy, she gently stroked the younger girl's face, her fingertips brushed at her hair. She softly undid the girl's bun, hair long hair fell down her back. Lucy cradled Ona’s head as she moved her hips, rocking herself into her talented mouth. 

Ona sighed as Lucy ran her fingers through her scalp, making her shiver from the touch. 

“Ona. Your mouth. Fuck, you’re so good.”

Ona let out a low chuckle, making Lucy gasp from the vibration. She continued to lick at Lucy's cunt, swallowing her arousal every couple of minutes. Lucy gripped Ona’s hair, fucking her face gently as the girl pleasured her. She began to pick up the pace of her hips as she felt her orgasm spread up her body.

“I’m going to come.”

Ona groaned, she continued her movements, keeping the pace Lucy needed. Lucy gripped at Ona’s hair, pushing her closer between her legs. Her legs started to shake as she felt the warm sensation rise up from her stomach.

“That's it. Ona, don’t stop. Good girl. That’s soo good.”

As she came she pushed the girl's head closer to her core, needing the girl ever closer to her, her tongue was suckling her clit perfectly. She rode out her orgasm as long as she could. Ona could feel Lucy's orgasm washing over her mouth. Lucy gasped as Ona carried on licking her through the come down, she stroked her hair, allowing the girl to clean her up. She rocked her hips into her mouth for a couple more minutes, feeling Ona’s tongue against her.

“Wow, you’re talented.” Lucy chuckled.

Ona pulled back, her mouth was dripping with Lucy’s fluids. She panted as her cheeks turned a shade of pink from the compliment.

“You taste even better than I imagined.” 

“Have you imagined it a lot?” Lucy whispered. 

Ona nodded, smirking devilishly. “A lot.”

“Fuck.” 

Lucy leaned down, capturing Ona’s lips with her own, she moaned as she tasted herself on the girl. Ona’s cunt was throbbing she whimpered as Lucy began to pull her thongs down. The younger brunette  sighed as she felt the cold air hit her painfully sensitive pussy. Lucy smirked as she threw the ruined thongs over her shoulder. She looked down at Ona’s drenched pussy.

“Is that how wet you get just from making me come? Making me feel so good?” 

Ona bit her lip and nodded, not able to form words. 

“You’re amazing.” 

Lucy dipped her pointer finger between Ona’s velvety folds, groaning at the wetness. Ona jumped at the contact as Lucy just barely touched her. Lucy pushed her finger into her mouth.

“You taste so fucking good.” 

Ona panted below, desperately needing anything Lucy would give to her. Lucy placed her hand back between Ona’s spread legs, stroking her finger through her sensitive flesh. She dipped her finger into Ona’s cunt, her tight muscles flexing around her digit.

“Lucy.” 

“I love when you say my name.” Lucy growled as she began to fuck Ona. 

The younger girl let out soft moans as Lucy picked up the pace, she easily pushed another finger inside her, cutting off Ona’s crys with a deep kiss. 

“Lucy.” Ona was starting to whimper, the older girl closed her eyes, listening to the way the Spaniard moaned her name, her own pussy becoming wet again, just from the sounds of the girl.

Lucy began to kiss down Ona’s body, she sucked in Ona’s nipple, loving the way Ona’s head rolled back. She then moved over to the other side, giving it just as much attention. The girl's small body began to roll, her noises were becoming louder as Lucy’s fingers relentless fucked her.

She moved further down, gliding her tongue over Ona’s abs. The shorter girl squirmed as she felt Lucy's tongue move skirt over her flesh. Lucy began to kiss Ona’s pubic bone, loving the way she moaned. She felt the younger girl's hand thread into her hair, pushing her close to where she clearly wanted her. Lucy smiled as she kissed lower and lower. 

Finally, Lucy wrapped her lips around Ona’s swollen clit, the cry she let out was music to the older girl's ears. The hand in her hair tightened as she worked the girl's body, her fingers picked up a faster pace, causing Ona’s back to curve. Her vision began to blur as Lucy kept up the beautiful pleasure on her body. 

“Lucy!”

Lucy only hummed, not wanting to stop, she could feel Ona was getting close, her legs began to shake as her cunt tightened on her fingers, squeezing them tightly. Ona couldn't believe the way Lucy was pushing her body, she could feel her head becoming dizzy, she scrunched her eyes shut she felt the warm sensation prickle her skin.

“Merda! Lucyyyy!”

The hands pushed her further into her cunt, guiding her head up and down, Lucy loved the way Ona was controlling her movements to do what she wanted. Then she felt it before she heard it. Ona became silent, her body went rigid, but Lucy didn’t stop, she suckled and fucked Ona until she pushed her over that edge. 

“Lu-Lu….Lucyyyyyy!” 

Ona came, loud and hard. Her thighs clamped around Lucy's head as she rode out her orgasm. Her hips thrusted into Lucy's mouth as she felt her legs start to give in, panting loudly as Lucy kept up her movements. Finally the girl's body went limp, her chest was panting fast as she tried to catch her breath. 

Lucy slowly took her fingers out of Ona. She couldn't stop the smile on her face seeing the girl benather her looking completely wrecked.

“You okay?” 

“Lucy. Merda. Fuck.”

Lucy laid next to the girl laughing at her gaping face. 

She couldn't help but kiss the girl, she could definitely get used to this site. 

The girls laid with each other for another hour talking about the last couple of months.

“So when I saw you dance with her I just lost it. It was so selfish of me. I regret it so much.” Lucy stroked Ona’s back as she explained herself. 

Ona listened, she didn't hold any grudges, she would have probably done what Lucy did, maybe not as cold, but they were different people. They handled things differently. 

“When I saw you on the bridge, it made me realise just how stupid I was being. I needed to sort it out even if you didn't want me like that. I at least wanted you as a friend.”

Ona smiled as she kissed Lucy, she couldn't believe they had wanted each other for so long, and not see it as clear as everyone around them. The girls were in bliss, finally they got what they wanted. They spent the next couple of days of the Christmas break with each other, learning everything they could about the other. 

Learning everything they could about each other's bodies, what she liked, what she didn't like. What she sounded like after 3 orgasms in a row. How Ona liked her hair pulled when she fucked Lucy with her fingers. How Lucy liked to watch Ona when she rode her with a strap. And so much more.

 Everything was perfect. 

But the short Christmas break ended and work came, so the girls decided to spend a night apart. Even though it killed them to do it, they knew they needed to have at least a day apart, they would see each other the next morning when Lucy picked up Ona for work.

Lucy stood at Ona’s door. Kissing the shorter girl deeply, holding her body next to hers. 

“I’ll miss you.” Ona whispered.

“I’ll miss you too. I’ll call you when I get in?”

Ona nodded, she looked up at Lucy giving her those big brown doe eyes. Making it so much harder for Lucy to leave. 

“Onaaaa. Don’t”

The shorter girl giggled. “Sorry. Go, call me when you get in.” 

—------- 

Lucy yawned as she drove to pick up Ona. The girls had spoken late into the night, not going to bed till late. But Lucy had a new spring in her step, she felt so happy. She finally got the girl that she loved, yeah loved. It was the start of love, both girls felt it, neither saying anything as this was new, but they both felt it. 

She was surprised when she didn't see Ona sitting at her usual spot on the wall. She had never been late. Maybe she slept in from their late night call. She pulled up the car like she normally did. Maybe she was in a queue at the coffee shop? Lucy sat there for a moment, she texted Ona to say she was outside, but didn't get a text back. Lucy eyed up Ona’s building, something didn't feel right .

She got out of the car and walked to the wall where Ona sat, that's when she felt a cold shiver run down her spine. She spotted two coffee cups spilt on the floor. It was the coffee shop where Ona got their drinks. She felt the blood drain from her face. Where was Ona?

[catboybiologist]

About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out

I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.

There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.

Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.

In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).

My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.

I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.

In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.

Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.

It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.

But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.

By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.

It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.

Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol

[brucewaynehater101]

I severely need Tim to get hit by The Clench a second time. I need him to cough blood and bleed from all orifices. I need him to get back on that medical bed and wrapped with a whole bunch of bandages. I want Tim to be on the verge of hopelessness because he doesn't believe he would make it. I want Bruce to be so firm in his denial, everyone believes his words as truth, making Tim super bitter on the inside but feeling touched that he actually cares. I want Tim to be on the verge of death, and Jason and Damian doing their utmost best to find a cure for Tim, but there's not enough time and their best doesn't feel like it's enough and. I need Dick to be his original, unhinged, rageful self on the warpath for whoever had the wonderful idea to give his baby brother The Clench a second time. I need Cass breaking bones and putting people on the verge of death because she's scared and angry and no one can stop her, not until her little brother is safe. And why Tim? Why not any other character? *grabs you by the face and squishes your cheeks* Because that boi is my blorbo and things need to happen to him

Tim barely survived the Clench with a fully functioning immune system. I doubt he'd survive a second dose... but that could be part of the angst.

Maybe he survives because Bruce already has the cure on hand, or maybe Ra's al Ghul releases a different deadly disease to take out Tim.

For Tim, I don't think slowly withering away in bed is something he can handle. He's meant to be up and helping others. He'd be so frustrated with his failing health, his constant sleeping (which loses a ton of time), and how his family hovers around him. He feels miserable (pain, fever, shaking limbs, vomiting, etc). He just wants to feel okay again. He wants his family to stop looking at him like that. He doesn't have enough energy to reassure or help them.

Tim is clenching the bed sheets as another family member sits by his bedside and confesses their regrets in case this is it. He hears the distinct pitches, tones, and defense mechanisms as they apologize for past transgression. With the way Tim's voice keeps sputtering into coughs, he can't interrupt or absolve them. He wishes they wouldn't do this.

He had forgiven them long ago.

Damian, a kid who's seen so much death, shouldn't be so shaken at Drake's frail figure. The sight of the person he's just starting to accept as his brother shouldn't cause the younger one's hands to shake. Tim has always been fallible (Damian has seen it when he pushed Tim off that dinosaur), but he's never been so defenseless and weak. The youngest Wayne can hardly leave his post at Tim's door or bedside.

[rare-average-system]

I wish there was less abject denial to receive clinical information about DID within this community. That pointing out medical journals or studies or diagnostic manuals is seen as an attack.

I think there's a few layers to what that can stem from. Fear of being wrong. Fear of losing their alters if they "heal too much". Or not wanting to heal at all. And those are all valid things to feel.

But accepting things about this disorder isn't going to *poof* and delete your system.

So as someone who touts the high value on clinical research readings, I will be vulnerable and tell you how I juggle living on both sides of this coin.

Before I recognized my system existed, I had high levels of dissociation and didn't have much issue talking about it. It's a more "socially accepted" experience. After 2 therapists caught onto it being DID, things got louder in my head. Working toward my diagnosis, awareness of alters and amnesia happened rapidly. To a point it scared me to realize how little control I actually had all these years. Realizing my rigid lifestyle was my system trying to keep us functioning undetected all these years.

The panic eased up and moved into comfort. I had comfort knowing another part could always step in to handle something that I couldn't. It felt like a safety net.

And when my therapist finally confirmed my diagnosis we had a serious talk that before we can start real deep trauma work, I need to be ready to accept I may lose alters. And accept that my system growing is a sign of new trauma or treatment moving too quickly.

So. Am I ready for that? Not fully. It's a terrifying thought that healing means taking on the jobs I had split into my alters. It means I will now have to do the things that were too hard for me to handle.

The idea of fusion is scary. It feels lonely. I can acccept that I have these fears. I can accept that my alters exist to keep me safe. The fear of losing them is simply another manifestation of the disorder. The fear is how the alters want to keep me safe in the way they always have.

It's okay to not WANT to change everything. It's okay to not be ready yet. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to make mistakes along the way.

But it matters most that you understand the WHY. Knowing doesn't mean you have to DO.

With love. 🩵

[dinoburger]

let me just get my thoughts down for a moment after a light perusal of the Mouthwashing tag -

I don't think The Point of Mouthwashing is "who is and isn't a bad person" with a backdrop of "capitalism bad"

the story is explicitly about the exploitative, hierarchical conditioning capitalism enforces, that creates situations like what unfolds in the Tulpar

I think to say "this is the fault of [this or that character]" is to miss the forest for the trees.

to view what happens as a series of random, unfortunate events that just happen coincidentally to the moral inclinations of the characters is missing the very palpable deprivation that all of them feel when it comes to how much control they have over the situation they've found themselves in.

I'll try to break this down a little more:

Curly is definitely one of the more contentious characters when it comes to morality and I think what people miss is... he has far too much control. As captain, he has the first and last say in everything.

There's no possible way he could understand exactly how to handle every situation appropriately. Nobody could. It weighs on him a lot. To the point where his fear of messing things up is exactly what blinds him to the chain of events that initiates Mouthwashing as we know it.

He tries to smooth things over. Because of course he would.

The problem is that he is set up to fail from the start.

Breaching just about any condition on the ship can get the pay of his poor subordinates docked. He has to obey the company rules to protect them, too. The omnipresent horse keeps all of them "in check". He can't afford to take a moral high-ground, because most of them can't afford it either. He's trying to keep the house of cards together.

The most telling line to me is when Anya points out the lock on the medical room door that's absent from the sleeping quarters.

The company puts more value on the expensive equipment on board than the human lives. It tries to cut as many corners as possible. It undermines their livelihoods to maintain itself - in vain, ultimately.

The cargo of mouthwash is more valuable to the company than they are.

You can see also in each of them, the kinds of people capitalism makes.

Swansea tried to fix up his life and do everything right. He tried to become a good worker for the sake of his family. But is he much better off than when he was an alcoholic? He says the best part of his life is still when the only troubles he had was the bottom of an empty bottle - nevermind his family, his sobriety and becoming a "correct" person in capitalist society.

His existential crisis grips me because it does raise questions about if living the way you're "supposed to" is worth it.

Daisuke wants to prove his worth in his capabilities. Daisuke is still trying to prove himself as valuable to the system, even at his own expense. Swansea laments this, because he just knows there's no point where you become valuable or worthy enough in the system.

Anya, as the only woman on board, takes the blunt of the lack of autonomy enforced by the system.

Jim... Jim is exactly the kind of person this system breeds, too. He's entitled. He's hungry for more power, but he can only see it by wrestling it off his coworkers and enacting interpersonal violence. He sees himself as a temporary victim of circumstance, who has a right to the power Curly has.

He is the exact sort of person who might have been a captain on some of the other cargo ships. Can you imagine if he'd had that much power from the start? The company doesn't give a shit, so long as the cargo gets there in one piece. The toll of the psychological trauma taken on the staff will never outweigh the value of the goods being shipped.

Even if it's just mouthwash.

I think you could maybe also read Jim's affinity for the cartoon horse as a metaphor for his hunger for power, too. It's something he both desires and dreads. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, he doesn't want the consequences that follow. It's the carrot and stick. He'll take as much power as he can before the axe finally drops and he has to face the music, even if it means making everything so, so much worse in the process.