#how I feel abt. myself sometimes
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Y’all ever wanna just
#cronch#like back up bitch#no touch me#how I feel abt. myself sometimes#my brain: you are perceived#me: shut the fuck UPPP#I am. stressing myself out over smthn stupid#anyway#I rlly love th ppl on my regular art blog#I wish I knew how to words#lies down on floor#art n shit#the flesh pit#angst#blood#tw blood#bite#self insert#sound of me hitting head angst wall
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Now I am not saying that Drumbot Brian on the drums or banjo are over appreciated because I don't think it is possible to appreciate anything about Drumbot Brian too much, BUT I do think that Drumbot Brian on the accordion is terribly underappreciated.
Look at this. How can you see this and Not want to talk about him on the accordion for the rest of time?? Also the instrument itself is pretty and matches the rose on his hat.
#all of the mechs are just so ridiculously impressive and have such a wide range of skill in both instruments and vocals#I like never see his accordion playing gettibg talked abt anywhere despite how fucking cool it is to the point#I sometimes gaslight myself into thinking my memory's failing and it never existed (bc I am really bad at recognizing instruments#on recordings) until I stumble upon photos of it again and I feel like I just snorted a line.#I have much the same experience with Ivy playing the trumpet too.#So I just keep a list of every instrument I've ever seen the mechs use or their actors have said they used + pictures to help.#drumbot brian#the mechanisms
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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I can't really relate to people who aren't creatives that are extremely ambitious (& also horribly time inefficient & prone to procrastination, I can't relate to successful creatives either). like when someone tells me their big dream in life is to be a physician or a social worker or god forbid smth like a big business boss babe I do see them almost as another species. not an inferior species mind you just fundamentally different from me (far higher functioning & overall 10000x more likely to succeed in their endeavors so this is not me being superior or condescending !). I just don't know how to be satisfied with a normal life
#I literally cannot & will not be happy to settle for anything less than being a prolific writer filmmaker etc. its unthinkable#at work last night I was thinking abt this & how im incapable of true gratitude#it was slow so I was on yt & ended up watching smth abt the prisoners of death camps who were forced to deal w/the bodies . and i was like#really thinking about how absurd it is that i feel so sorry for myself constantly just bc im working class & very mentally ill#like the way I feel abt celebs throwing themselves pity parties is prob the way much of the world feels abt me#obv this isnt the first time ive thought critically abt my lack of gratitude but nevertheless I have been feeling sorry for myself lately#sometimes u gotta say ''some ppl have war in their countries'' to yourself as well as the celebrities :/
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I'd like to improve my art but I often find myself getting frustrated due to inconsistency and general dissatisfaction and frustration with what I draw. I have a lot of vivid ideas of what I want to do, but I have a hard time actually doodling them down and I was wondering if you had any advice? Of course it takes practice, I know, but it's hard to consistently practice when you just feel upset with how most of your drawings turned out after putting a lot of effort into it.
that’s a tough question! i think i used to be in a very similar rut about a year or two ago (and it’s something i can guarantee EVERY SINGLE ARTIST goes through!), and the honest truth I can give u about how i got out of it was a complete change in mindset.
a good question to ask yourself is: what am I drawing for? For fun, for engagement, to improve? none of these are necessarily a wrong thing to draw for, but they can, and DO, affect how you interpret your own work. the best thing I ever did for myself was when I shifted my focus from engagement to fun (it’s not an immediate change— I was in nearly a 2 yr drawing dry spell to re-find myself and my passions!). i abandoned my old art account of a different social media platform bc while i had good engagement there, it didn’t make me happy. I decided that id draw what i love and id draw it just for myself, and later down the line i might share it w people (like I am now!) now none of my art either disappoints me or makes me proud, I just draw to draw! all I can do is draw something, decide if there’s something to be improved on, and keep it in mind when I draw my next thing.
A cute piece of advice I heard once was from an artist who thought of drawing as “taking their pen for a walk”. If you approach pieces with a detailed composition in mind, ur bound to be disappointed! bc how can we possibly achieve smth exactly as we see it in our mind?? I really encourage you to just draw for the sake of drawing and just walk ur pen around ur canvas. I have like 10 canvases on my procreate that are just me drawing the same kendall face/head with different goofy fucking ugly ass smiles bc guess what!! I LOVE DOING IT !!!!
please just remember that u are on a road all artists end up on. there are artists who’s work u find flawless and beautiful who most likely think the exact same way you do! draw bc it’s fun and bc it’s what you love, and if you feel it isn’t, take a fat ass break from it and reevaluate what you love just like I did!
#not the best advice im sorry 💕 im not v good at that#it’s inevitable to be frustrated by ur art when ur taste for art surpasses ur technical skill#it really becomes a matter of drawing just for u#and sometimes the only way to do that is to do it completely removed from social media (if ur someone that has an art blog#feel free to chat w me more abt this if u want! ill help how I can but I don’t consider myself a professional advice giver 💕#chitchat
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i have soooo much more i cld say abt him, and have explored more thru other doodles, but quick summary of talon's whole deal, which is subject to change still as he's only almost 2 yrs old as an oc
#oc text#obvs sparse description of the events bc i dont mean for it to be gratuitous#even if i decided to explore it further in some medium the focus wouldnt be gratuitous ykwim#not that there werent awful stuff within that but my focus with talon is also more exploration of like#even stuff that isnt a big deal (which it wasnt at first) can effect someone greatly#and then once it does get a bit worse the focus is still more on the effects of how he views himself and the aftermath#AS WELL AS LIKE. well. did i do this to myself? i went back. do i deserve this?#he's a lot like me and the reason i like the self insert dynamic is bc he thinks of cheye as Me If It Didnt All Go Horribly#bc ive not gone thru the Extreme but i have had interactions with ppl who very enthusiastically thought i was ummmm underage!!!#while they were already being creepy toward me and making me nervous abt my safety !#so this isnt ''he's umm 400 but looks 12 bc i want to do weird shit with him 😏'' dude drawing him Fed makes me so sad sometimes...#we're also weird eating buddies <3#and grief buddies <3 he actually further spawned out of my need to deal with a lot of family members passing away in such a short time#severe death phobia buddies...#i still dont know how he really feels about his Old Wrinkly Form btw all i know is he feels safe in it#as much as id love to sway toward ''he thinks he's hot like that. because he is.'' i also dont want to convey the wrong message wrt this#form being due to....disordered eating caused by Issues. ykwim#though! he can shapeshift quite well when he's fed and maybe he'd choose that form willingly if he ever got. Past everything#he does hate that he never gets to actually age...! he wishes he cld age normally like a mortal...(still scared of dying though)#but we cant knoww for certain yet ykwim. maybe he'll let me know soon.#my issue with talon other than i suck at plots is well he has too many of my issues. and. idk how to solve them.#he's growing with me.#oh and have we noticed he's mean to me when *im* being mean to me...MANY such metaphors#ok goodnite
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hot take I guess, but tbh I Don't Really Care abt bruise...I can 100% see why people ship it and it's cute ngl but I just don't care abt it, it never really grabbed me tbh
#levi's ted talks#ninjago#I never rlly cared abt it even in my early days and honestly? I feel this way abt most ships#I just don't care abt them#even if I do rb or post abt them whether if it's sometimes or alot of times trust me I am Not As Invested as you think I am#I just find them cute and want to draw/post/rb abt them that's all to it ngl#lostshipping was an exception however bc of the found family themes it was built on#and if you followed me long enough you know I'm a sucker for found family stuff#so the whole finders family had my heart#that's why I shipped lost so fast#but if I had to be honest? the DR ships in general are hella cute#but I found myself very attached to lost#plus I'm aro (and probably ace) too sooo there's that aswell lmao#I find myself more focused on character dynamics and all that#that's why I love sora and arin so much#kinda nervous abt posting this knowing how popular bruise is lmaoo
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there's something so comforting about artists you admire talking about their own struggles and insecurities
#txt#was watching supereyepatchwolf's video on chainsaw man again and listening to fujimoto express regret about things he didnt learn#and how he's clearly envious of his peers is so... comforting?#i think about my own strengths and flaws and often times i get so frustrated with my shortcomings#im not good at drawing feet; my backgrounds are purposefully simplistic and lack a lot of detail; sometimes my designs have a tendency to#overlap or feel very 'safe' in terms of what i really want to do#its why; despite my love for clowning on media and animated works. i never want to feel like its from a place of malice#the joy of art is always seeing those little mistakes and nuances. its also noticing the achievements other creators have made that you#still lack#even for a certain hell-based show i love to poke fun at for its many. many issues. its undeniable how incredibly passionate the work is.#and i do respect anyone who is willing to get their flawed media out there (myself included)#i see stuff about people calling me their inspo or how flattered they are when i compliment their work and its like. gee. i hold myself at#such a high bar and even still im always surprise when people tell me how much my work moved and changed them#i really love writing just little fun things that i just dont really see anyone else touching and its kind of fun how despite my own#personal grievances with my own flaws and mistakes#people really do find things that they love within them.#anyways I know this is getting long but I���ve just been getting sentimental abt the creation of art#sometimes people make fun of me for love of drawing women and lesbians and bugs and so on#and while I will never let me deter me from my process. sometimes it does get to me#but then I remember that I love doing this and could ever see myself holding back#and knowing despite how other people feel. I have so many followers who resonate with my weird ass shit#that it’s all worth it. ya know?
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sorry to be that guy but I fuuuuucking love getting high and watching dapg AJDNFKDNFKDNF I’m so parasocial abt them it’s not even funny but I’m too high to care. I love Dan’s silly shrill voice I love the way Phil talks w his hands I love their senses of humor I love how happy they seem I love the games they play i love the community they have cultivated over the years i. Yeag
#dan and phil#dapg#dan and phil games#cw weed#phan#<- for the fandometrics. sigh#okay policing myself rant now:#I’m usually pretty good abt keeping myself in check abt them i think#I don’t feel like they owe me anything I don’t examine backgrounds or sight lines#but something abt them is just So utterly comforting and soothing and reassuring. It’s just nice to have them around#it’s like….you know you’ll hear these grand sweeping romantic tales abt ppl’s grandparents?#or how sometimes ppl you know will have the cutest sweetest first meet story?#and it gives you hope about love and human connection in general?#ummmm yeah. Okay I’m closing tumblr now I paused the latest video to write this
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I’m friends with too many people who are actively beefing with each other I feel like a double agent
#‘oh yeah she sucks i can’t believe she said that’ <- I told her the same thing#like I don’t like to be lying and I try to present myself as neutral as possible most of the time#but sometimes the situation calls for a lie or exaggerated of how I rly feel and I feel so guilty abt it!!! b#but I don’t wanna be choosing sides even more so.#why can’t we all just chill.
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lying here in bed and thinking abt how alienated out i feel in the cookie run fandom. and then theres a polish sitcom playing in the background from a different room.
#mostly like. i feel so alienated out for like. having such different views of chars.#dark choco is a char i find myself to relate to a lot. i see so much of myself in him.#and yet. i cant get fully interested and that makes me feel. am i even a true fan of his character#if my interpretation is so vastly different from the fandoms#and how his kingdom is probably my least favourite out of all the ancients' kingdoms#for how i feel like ppl and the narrative tend to forget how dark cacaos kingdom is so flawed.#like the whole “no sweet meals” thing. i am not talking abt irl influences and how it impacts the presentation of the kingdom but more like#i feel like ppl tend to perfectionize dark cacao kingdom while ignoring a ton of systematic issues in it.#then theres my opinion on hollyberry. i love her. shes my favourite ancient. but i wish we got a more serious storyline with her#im not all catched up on the lore but i just wish rlly wish we got more of the hollyberry kingdom. and see holly display a wider range of-#-emotions.#i hope the eternal sugar update will get us some hollyberry kingdom angst because i need some more serious characterization for her that r-#-not just snippets#then theres. white lily. i feel like im the only person who liked the fact white lily got her own kingdom and was split into two versions.#it DID come out of nowhere but like. i feel like its sort of more interesting than just white lily being fully DE?#her update was a fiasco with how shadow milk stole the show that was meant to be hers.#but like. so many of my opinions are different than the fandoms that i just cant help but feel like an intruder sometimes#i dont want to sound like a pick me or someone who thinks they r special for being different. because im not.#i do not like this feeling. but i needed to be open abt it ig#cookie chat#theres also like. the lack of proper characterization for carrow besides “good loyal soldier”.#that annoys me as hell too#fyi i DO NOT hate dark cacao kingdom to be clear. i love it a ton. the cultural influences are so interesting and i love the setting.#i just wish ppl didnt brush off a lot of systematic flaws abt it.
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compilation of some of my personal favorite hamlet reviews on letterboxd
#honorable mention to the 'i don't want to see hamlet kiss his mom i want to see him kiss horatio you sick freaks' one#it was on the 1990 m*l g*bson one which i found VERY sauceless and i couldn't bring myself to care about the hamlet horatio#but i do respect the mindset#hamlet#sometimes i feel bad abt how i don't like a majority of the hamlet adaptations ive watched#including Three of the ones ppl swear up and down that they're the best and most definitive versions ever#and then i remind myself that there are three other productions out there ive read abt that i KNOW i'd love#(mark rylance/ruth negga/chris eccleston). it's just they were never recorded and i cant see them#(they could have recorded ruth negga seeing as there's a full trailer for her hamlet actually but i dont think it ever got released)
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.
#bpd#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular#and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache#my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T#but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person#or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me#like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down#and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and#saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that#or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment#like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel#but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no#what i *want*. bc what i desire is love#but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions#idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support#and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me#there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay#and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else#i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this#i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone#and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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