#horrible date

[alittlelezzie]

Ooooof!!!

Date did not go well it was hella awkward and she was suuuuper quiet and a little older than she said she was by a few years.. annoying but, I had already ordered since she got there late… but anyway I get over the age thing and she is like very silent and awkward and so I start trying to ask questions like what’s you coming out story? Etc. Just some questions that I knew usually will get a story out of the person and I’d get to know them a little. She changed the subject to the menu “do you know if they have vodka here?” … it was 11 am and she’s asking about vodka 🤯😳😓 but then the waitress came and she made a comment about how nice it is that I was taking my mom out for brunch… I just smiled and shook my head no and this date of mine was like damn near biting the poor waitress’s face off started getting loud saying the girl was blind or homophobic! Then once the waitress left after apologizing and nearly crying I tried asking some other date stuff like are you an only child? She replied just “no.” And starts playing on her phone. So I start asking, what do you like to do when you’re not at work. She looked up from her phone and gestured to me and the table. As if to signal dating and going out is what she likes. So finally the food gets to the table and at this point I’m thinking ok maybe it’s nerves she’s gonna loosen up now that the foods here. We start eating, she got some omelette thing and I got blackberry pancakes. So I ask her how her food is and she just nods yes and gives me a thumbs up while looking at the food and taking a bite and scrolling on her phone. ON “HER” THE APP WE MET THROUGH! At that point I’m done and just trying to eat and get out so I stop asking stuff and start to eat the pancakes. BUT THEN some random friend of hers showed up lookin like the face of meth asking her for money! After that I excused myself to the restroom apologized and tipped the waitress and asked her to bring the check as soon as we finish eating and rush us out the door. She happily agrees and tells me she’s sorry this dates bad and I smile and continue on to the restroom. I’m on my way back to the table and the guy who came asking for money is sitting in my spot across from my date EATING OUT OF MY PLATE! Date sees me coming around and tells the guy to move further into the booth to basically sit next to me and that’s when I said fuck it. I grabbed my purse which I had left there (I took my wallet to tip the waitress) and she made a comment like “he didn’t touch any of your food or stuff”. I looked her in the eyes told her the date was now over for me and I tossed a $20 on the table and left. It was sooooo bad you guys!!!

[bxcktovampyrs]

DIARY ENTRY 2

Oh my god I had the worst night ever but it was like not that bad? I sound so overdramatic and weird right now, I’m super drunk.

But, I met this dude at a music festival the other day and he’s like mid attractive but hella confident so he’s sexy yk and anyway I met him only bc I saw this rly hot girl at the festival and I went and asked for her number cuz she had such amazing vibes and then she introduced me to the people she was hanging out w and he happened to be one of them.

We hung out for like an hour (we being the group) and then I left and he and i did exchange info but it wasn’t in a flirty way, or I didn’t think it was? I didn’t get those vibes at least, and I made it clear I was interested in the girl.

Well anyway today he messaged me asking how my day was going and i was like yeah it’s fine haha and we texted a little and then he was like I totally wanna do a movie night w you sometime. And i was like um oh ok haha …. idk im pretty busy and then he was like well are you free tn? and i idk i was like yeah i am, lol and he was like ok i can get some pizza and we can watch a movie.

so anyway ig my survival skills finally decided to slowly kick in in the worst way possible and i was like yeah sure! but lemme bring my best friend. (wow genius, what the fuck is she gonna do she’s barely 100lbs soaking wet) but hey idk it made me feel better she was there. so i brought her and we went to his house. and ate pizza n watched the minions and drank wine.

sounds great right??? NOPE! the way this man wouldn’t stop hitting on me OPENLY. like it was so bad. he was like wow you have such sexy legs. and i was like um ok thx. and he kept bringing up sexual topics and making sex jokes which was so weird and they were so directed. he was at one point like, the hottest women are tall women. (i’m 6’) and i was like oh ok haha. and he was like idk it’s not a dommy mommy thing for me, i just love the challenge of getting a tall woman. WHO SAYS THAT WHAT

and he later straight up was like wow you’re so snatched, sorry i can’t look at you i’ll get a boner. HE WASNT JOKING

he wasn’t joking

he like hid his dick for the next four minutes

it was rly awkward

i’m gonna kill myself that was horrible

he drove us home and then after he dropped us off he like lingered before leaving which was so weird and then he texted me this weird text about how he’s super attracted to both of us and sorry if he made us uncomfy. and then he told me wanted to give me head.

like

said that

to me

what

the

fuck

ok diary, i’m gonna go jump off a bridge bye

[zephyrchama]

I hope demons have sayings that sound really weird and messed up to humans, just as there are many diverse sayings across varying human languages that don't always translate easily.

---01

Lucifer looked up warily as you entered his office before breathing a sigh of relief. "I thought you were Mammon, here to give me another headache."

You strided over to his desk to take a peek at what he was working on. It looked boring. "We both know you love your little brother. What could be so bad this time?"

Lucifer buried his eyes in his hands, brushing his hair aside with the tail end of a pen. "He's been gnawing on my toenails all week."

You coughed in surprise, smacking your chest to loosen up the muscles so that clarifying questions could be asked. "What? Why? How?"

"Just general Mammon buffoonery as usual. For some reason he's especially persistent this week."

"I have literally never seen Mammon chewing on toenails..." Your lip curled back in disgust just imagining it. "Has he... done this before?"

"What?" Lucifer narrowed his eyes, puzzled. "Oh." His gaze softened once he realized what was happening and he huffed in amusement. "Mammon hasn't actually been gnawing on my toenails. It means he's getting on my nerves, as you might say."

You clasped your hands together and sighed, letting a wave of relief wash over you. "Please. Just say that next time."

----02

"C'mon, c'mon! If ya move any slower I'm gonna exfoliate Diavolo!"

You were running as fast as you could, despite Mammon being the reason for your tardiness. You didn't have much to lose, but Mammon could be in deep trouble for missing another morning class.

You wheezed and almost ran into him, not realizing he kindly came back to carry you. "Wh..." After a few deep breaths, you choked out your question. "You're gonna what? To Diavolo?"

Mammon thrust his bag in your arms in a rush and picked you up instead. He spoke as he began running, "yeah. He's gonna have my neck if I'm late again!"

"I get that, but is Barbatos gonna make you wash him...? Or...?"

"Wha? Are you still half asleep? Is that why you're runnin' so slow?"

You leaned your head back against his upper arm to stare up at him in frustration. He couldn't ignore your pouty face inches from his own. Mammon's ears grew red. "Knock it off!"

"Tell me what you mean!" you ordered.

Mammon growled and ran even faster. "What do you mean? I'm just tryna get us to class!"

---03

You scooted your seat closer to Leviathan. He perked right up and froze as you approached to whisper in his ear.

"Levi, XYZ."

"W-w-what? Is that a code?"

"No, XYZ. PDQ."

He reached for a pen and began noting the letters down. "P... D... Q... Got it. What's next?"

You shook your head. "No, Levi, your barn door is open."

"What game are we talking about? I haven't picked up Moondrop Basin in a few weeks."

You made a zipping-up motion with your hand. "Your fly!"

"Oh." Leviathan ruffled the back of his hair and swatted the air around his head. "Is it gone now? I didn't see any bugs."

Though reluctant to be so blunt, you were out of euphemisms. "Levi, your pants' zipper is open."

With an "eep!" he turned away to fix his problem. It took a few seconds. In his haste, the zipper kept getting stuck. He was mad when he turned back around, his face colored crimson. "Why didn't you just tell me? Without turning it into... into some game!"

"I did! XYZ, PDQ, That's what we say in the human world! Examine your zipper, quick!"

"That's so dumb!" he seethed, punching his knee. "What a spumid flaming cabbage. Your sayings are so weird."

---04

"Ready for the next one?"

"Hit me," you told Satan.

He grimaced from across the desk, raising his eyes from the paper to look at you in concern. "What? No, I'm not going to do that."

"Not literally, it's a human saying. It means 'give it to me,' or something like that."

"Oh." Satan jotted that down in the margins of his own notes before reading off the next phrase on his list. "This is one of my favorites. It's a colorful saying, but if you're really mad at someone you can call them a snot-cobbling banshee. I like to say this while cursing their next three generations."

You wrote that down. "How often do you use this saying?"

"Not too often. Well, maybe once a week with my brothers. It goes along with this next phrase which implies someone is dangerously stupid. Barbed dingbat."

You nodded. You were truly learning so much on this cultural exchange program.

---05

Asmodeus came into the kitchen as you were preparing dinner and wrapped his arms around your neck. He looked exhausted.

"Careful, I've got a knife, don't want to accidentally nick you," you warned. "What's up? Long day?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." Asmodeus peeped over your shoulder to look at the vegetables you were cutting. "I'm so glad you're home. You know, all day, all I could think about was..."

He proceeded to say some incredibly vulgar things. Detailed depictions of debauchery. Irredeemable acts of indecency that cannot be repeated on this blog. It made you put the knife down in a tizzy.

"Are those more demon idioms?" You snickered awkwardly and wiped your hands on a towel. "I've been learning about your sayings recently. Can't say I've heard those ones yet."

"What? Oh, no." Asmodeus lifted your hand, raising it to his lips to lick a stray fleck of vegetable skin off your fingertip. "These aren't sayings, this is just stuff I've wanted to do all day."

---06

"I could just eat you up."

This was something Beelzebub said often, and something he repeated again today. His hands were occupied with a fresh four-pounder with cheese, but his eyes kept drifting from it to watch you shoot paper balls into a wastebasket.

"You know, humans have the same saying. Isn't that funny?" You bounced up to grab some of the wads on the floor that didn't make it into the basket, to try again.

Beelzebub swallowed the mass in his mouth. "Really?" he asked between bites. "I thought you guys stopped doing cannibalism, mostly."

"Uh." You missed your throw. What should have been an easy shoot bounced off the edge and rolled away from the wastebasket. "Yeah, we did. Just so we're on the same page, you're saying I'm cute, right?"

Beelzebub was concerningly quiet as he chewed.

---07

"Are you on your way back to class?" Belphegor stopped you in the hall. You hadn't even seen him there on the ground, curled up next to a shady pillar.

"Skipping class again?" you asked. "I thought you liked magic theory."

"Maybe," he yawned. "It's too easy sometimes."

Belphegor fished around in his pocket for a second before pulling out a tightly folded-up sheet of paper. He offered it up. "Can you turn this in for me? I don't want my grades dropping over late homework."

"Sure thing, but it might be better to turn it in yourself. I heard Barbatos is doing random checks in all classes this week. He'll notice you missing."

"Nah." Belphegor's head drooped down as he prepared to doze off again. "If you see him, just tell him I'm being flerchen in the garden."

That sounded innocent enough. "Okay. What does that mean?"

"Means I've got the sniffles," he lied.

---08

Barbatos' eyes grew big and he placed a hand over his heart, furthering crumpling Belphegor's homework sheet in the process. He looked around to make sure nobody overheard before leaning in. "I must ask that you never say that again."

Behind him, Diavolo's palm was clasped over his mouth as he struggled not to draw attention with loud guffaws. He had his back to the classroom, shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

"Why not?" You nervously shifted from one foot to another. You'd been had.

"It's not a topic I can explain here. Perhaps you and the Young Master should excuse yourselves for now. I'll come collect you both later."

Barbatos readily escorted you and Diavolo out of the room, shutting the door behind you so that class could begin without interruption.

"I'm just the messenger," you tried to defend yourself. Diavolo's fit of giggles was renewed. He grabbed on to your shoulder for stability while doubled over, trying to ride out the laughter.

"Did... did Belphegor tell you to say that?" He wiped a tear running down his face. You furiously nodded.

"Haha! Do you remember where he's hiding? I'd sure like to have a word with him."

You couldn't tell if Diavolo was going to praise Belphegor or tear him a new one. Perhaps a mix of both. However, the curiosity over what you said was overwhelming. You wanted to know the full extent of what it meant before seeing Belphegor again.

You decided to bargain with the prince. "I'll show you, but first you have to tell me what that means."

[sevenswansmp3]

they should make tinder for people for whom love is larger than the usual romantic love and for whom it is a religion and people never want to sleep with them.

[alfheimr]

i drew this way over a year ago but i think i just forgot to post it here. ingo adventure dx

[gummydummy19]

I just had the literal worst date in the history of every date ever had and this is exactly why I stick with fictional men.

[dragonpyre]

Here have a snippit for a fic I'll never write

"Jeez, what crawled up his ass and died?” Jason asked, watching as Bruce stalked out of the room. The silence that met him though made him turn to look up. “It’s April 27th,” Dick rasped. Like that somehow explained everything. “And? What, did I miss Passover or something?” Next to him, Tim flinched. Dick however… his eyes grew moist and his face fell. Before Jason could even think to ask what was wrong, the man had turned around and escaped the room. He looked about to cry. “Okay, what the hell?” Jason voiced. Because seriously, what the hell? “Jason,” Tim piped up carefully. “You died today.”

[sanctus-ingenium]

the centaur of attention

[nightlocked-in]

“peeta is bisexual” you guys are losing the vision. peeta isn’t even straight. katniss INVENTED sexuality for him. whatever katniss identifies as, he’s like “yeah, i’ll take that one” no questions asked

[lyrichi]

[mc is sitting w belphie and satan; anti-lucifer league shenanigans] [[belphie is asleep lol]]

mc sees luci: omg is that lucifer

satan looks up: tch- yeah.

mc pulls out a straw from nowhere:

satan: what are you doing

[mc puts the straw up to their mouth and shoots the gum in their mouth at lucifer, it lands in his hair]

[mc slowly looks over at satan and they make eye contact]

mc: bullseye

[heynhay]

let's drive out

[still-a-morosexual-help]

Obey me is so funny because it's about found family and it's about different found families and it's like

Here's Simeon and his beautiful, caring son who bakes with him and patiently teaches him how to use a mobile phone and comes up with fun, innocent activities they can do together

Here's Barbatos and his beautiful, caring son who wants to play a prank on him so they can bond but doesn't want to distress Barbatos so instead he gives him tea in the morning and asks interesting questions from him

And then pan over to Lucifer whose clothes are crumpled and also a little on fire, whose hair is greying and sticking up, whose hunched over, barely standing up straight, and who hasn't had a moment's rest in years, who is desperately clutching on to a bottle of alcohol in one hand and a smoking cigarette in the other, who has the overall demeanor and appearance of someone who has been consecutively run over by several trucks - not really upset but more resigned to his (eternal) fate, while his horrible, terrible gaggle of gremlin children run rampant in the background

[cowboah-baby]

this saga sure is shitty

hospital bed and wheelchair pose references from kibbitzer

[ghostryders]

[magical-girl-coral]

Okay, but if Sandra Lynn was in a toxic, manipulative, god awful relationship with Bobby Dawn while he was already married (possibly with kid) and with way more years of experience over her when she was barely eighteen, imagine her horror when she found out Fig had a thing for older men in a position of power. I would suffer a fucking stroke.

[tennessoui]

I don’t even need to say it do I……