#hopefully it wasn't too overwhelming lol

[o0kawaii0o]

Had issues with layout in the ask post so here's the rest!

However 1 artist comes to mind for now and that's Murata Yusuke; I'm rereading Eyeshield21 (again lol) and each time his art makes me go "wah so damn good".

From colours, to how dynamic and alive pieces can feel, to lighting/shading, to textures, etc. Lot of the pieces also have this feel of mundanity in it which I really like, and I also how at time I feel like I'm there as well. I love the mixture of realism in lighting/shading (and at times anatomy) with the manga/comic style!

The last image also was a bit of an inspo for my latest Luffy art!

As for tutorial, I might elaborate in another post at some point (cus it's quite a broad thing to go about). Like I've mentioned before, I'm soaking up things along the way! Which includes things like colour theory, lighting/shading, composition, etc. But I personally don't recommend forced research/practice; art needs to be fun after all, take things at a time but it might be nice to try something new with each piece, however how subtle.

I can recommend Saito Naoki's YT channel! I watch his 'whimsical correction' videos during lunch at times haha - Each 'correction' (more like professional advice) has a certain goal/theme which can be improved upon, which can be story wise, appeal, anatomy, etc.

--

Anyway, some advice I have for now are kinda my 'cheats' will follow now! [Disclaimer: these are things that work for me and are by no means the 'correct' way of doing things. So if I say things like "avoid this", it's something I personally do.]

My strength lies I think mostly in my lighting/shading at this moment!

My flats aren't bad or anything, but I feel like it really comes alive after shading. And the first thing to do is to establish where the light source is. Try to avoid 'pillow shading', work in bigger shapes and don't be afraid to do so. Working digitally, I can recommend to take a big brush and just put it very roughly on your character. You have the means with digital art to easily erase parts that are too much and to refine shapes afterwards.

One cheat is bouncing light.

(This was a Multiply mode layer set back to Normal mode for sake of visibility.)

You gotta have a bit of understanding of volume of where to apply it, but it's light that's been reflected by e.g. the ground back up again. This little variation in shading can add a lot. Note that it's better to go from the OG shading colour and sliding it on the colour wheel (hue) to be either warmer or cooler and then sliding in the square/triangle (saturation and value).

More examples of bouncing lights:

It depends how intense the light is reflected; the more, the harsher the contrast is compared to the OG shading colour.

Second cheat is 'light terminator' and 'substance scatter', not sure if it's really the correct terms but oh well.

This reddish tone (again on the Multiply shading layer) is kinda the border line from light to shade. It's reddish on skin (if you have red blood haha) but you apply it on other things with other colours too!

Make sure you don't overdo it and put it everywhere, also note if you use harsh or blended brush strokes, maybe even both for variation! Try it out and see what works best for you!

--

That's it for now; this took more time out of me than planned 💀 you better appreciate this anon! /jk

My main motto regarding art is "fck around and find out". This mindset also helps with keeping art fun!

[terribleinfluensins]

terrible influence tour confessions archive

MINNEAPOLIS! submit the sins read aloud at your show by filling out this form ✰

UPDATE: 5/5 sins found

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[phantom-howl]

@a-scary-lack-of-common-sense made a Gravity Falls au (the HWINEBHABWNAJCAHOWEEATOWEUB au and yes that's the short form of the au title lol) that I really like the concept of. Hopefully I didn't break logic or anything but wrote it a small little oneshot. Enjoy ^^

Bill blinked, slightly disoriented. He always felt disoriented when someone summoned him. You would too if you ever experienced it. It's like being pulled through a vacuum, but with less wind and more spinny.

He looked around. He was in someone's shadow. No, not someone, something. The thing seemed to be the shadow of a large pine tree. While a plant's shadow wasn't the preferred option, he did rather like being a tall shadow. 

Bill looked directly beside him. One of Ford's great grand kids was there. He hadn't known them long enough to be able to tell the difference. "Dipper and Mabel are their names" he'd been reminded by Ford several times. 

This one had short hair, most of it tucked underneath a baseball cap. The child wasn't looking at Bill, but rather something in the distance. Bill could make out that it was some kind of beast with horns and a lot of hair. He looked back at the kid. 

"Hey kid, what'd you need me for?" Bill asked, watching the kid's eyes snap from the beast to him. 

"Help," the word was barely above a whisper. Fear grew in the kid's eyes as they darted between Bill and the beast. 

"I dunno what you want me to do kid. Can't exactly do a lot as a shadow," Bill shrugged. The beast approached. He saw the kid produce a pen from the jacket he was wearing. It was one of those pens he'd seen Ford using while writing his journals. Ford must've given one to the kid. 

Checking over their shoulder constantly the kid clicked the pen on and started carving directly into the tree Bill was borrowing the shadow of. Suddenly, he felt disoriented again. He gathered his barings to see the kid had carved an eye into the pine tree. 

He could also feel everything the tree felt. The fact several branches were ready to snap, that one woodpecker nest, the beehive further upwards, the snapped root several miles underground. It was overwhelming but he got adjusted fairly quickly. 

Bill looked back over at the beast, of which he got a better view of now. It looked like a minotaur. He'd seen his fair share on Earth, but he didn't know they lived this far west. No matter, it looked fairly stupid. 

He felt the kid hide behind the tree. Probably for the best. After all, if he hurt Ford's kids he'd never hear the end of it. 

The minotaur got closer and closer. Bill had a deviously gleeful look in his eye as the beast finally was within reach. With a satisfying snap, one of the branches of the tree fell off and hit the minotaur's head. It went down.

"Okay run kid," Bill said but the kid seemed frozen in place, staring at the tattooed minotaur. 

"Are you waiting for an invitation?" the kid dug out a small notebook, quickly scribbling something down with the pen, before running off. Bill didn't bother to try and figure out what that meant. The kid was probably like Ford. He seemed to share the same chaotic scientist energy, even if the kid was more subdued. 

Least now he had an experience with one of the kids kinda properly. The "Pine Tree Incident" as he decided to call it.

—

"Hey Pine Tree, other one," Bill waved to the kids through the small artist model Ford had summoned him to.

"Pine Tree?" the two asked, all three humans confused.

"I gotta have some kind of way to tell you two apart until I can remember who's who," Bill laughed. Pine Tree slapped his face with his palm and the other one laughed with Bill.

[kanmom51]

Jikook in bed - Part 1

I am pissed and in a not good way.

Worked over 4 hours writing this post, saved to drafts only for the whole damn thing to just disappear.

Did I mention I am pissed?

Cause I am.

Ok, let me take a breath and try to put down on paper my thoughts, hopefully I will remember some of them.  Sob sob.

Jikook in bed. 

Who would have thought that I would be writing a post about Jikook in bed? 

Please don't answer my rhetorical question, lol.

Who thought after the Jikook drought we got in 2023 that we would be getting this, eh?  And yet, here we are.  Me losing count of the number of posts I’ve already written about episodes 1 and 2 alone of Are you sure?! And I’m not done yet.  And another episode is coming today!!!

Did I mention just how overwhelmed I am?  In the very best way.  Well, other than being pissed at Tumblr for throwing away my hard work. 😭😭

I’ll be breaking this down into 2 parts because damn it, there is so much to say about these two short clips we get of the two in bed.  Both playful.  Both sus as shit.  If shit is sus – I guess we can ask JM on his thoughts about that – yes I did go there.  Poor man is not going to live this down, and now I understand why he kept asking if this could air – not because he was worried about their flirty handsy moments.  NOPE.  But because of the shit, lol.

Ok, so part 1 will be focusing on the brushing teeth in bed, while part 2 will focus on the handsy cuddly butt wacky master bedroom action.

When watching the whole brushing teeth in bed I had to ask myself a multiple why’s?

Why brush teeth in the bedroom? 

Or more so, why in that bedroom?

Why not in the bathroom?

Perhaps because we would see they are both using the master bedroom ensuite?

It’s not that we couldn’t deduce that from the footage, but that would take more looking into, which let’s be real, most army don’t do.  They watch it once or twice and many don’t pay attention to the details.  A lot of details need us to view the footage multiple times something that most army are not into – they don’t care to find out more.  They see the surface, JK and JM being cute, and that’s enough for them to say “oh, they are so brotherly…. Such brotherly love…” without wanting to see anything else.

But if you do look closer you see A LOT.

You see that JM does the tour of the house, showing us 4 bedrooms, first one being a master bedroom with a king size bed and an ensuite he shows us.

An ensuite we later see JK in while preparing to go out shopping.

So yes.  They were both using the same bathroom in that huge modern fancy house with 4 bedrooms and obviously more than one bathroom that happened to be the ensuite to the master bedroom.

And perhaps they didn’t want it to be too obvious.  Because why use that same bathroom? 

*side note: at this point, when JM goes to check on JK there is clearly a staff member in there with them. The way the camera moves the angle of filming changes, it's clear that is not a static camera, unlike the ones we got from the bedrooms and hallway at night and in the morning. It looks like the staff member is using JM's go pro to film that and as JM walks out of the bathroom the camera changes hands and JM has it. And I state this because most of the time there wasn't staff in the house with them. For a lot of the time they had the house to themselves. My educated guess would be that just like we saw they had control over the cameras in the house, could easily turn them on and off (JK with the hallway camera), they were the ones to decide when the staff can join them in the house to film or resume filming.

Another possible reason why we got the bedroom scene would be that they didn’t want to place a camera in the bathroom, which they obviously didn’t. I mean, that bathroom was rather small – you know, as ensuites usually are, and having them both stand there and brush their teeth would be cramped and uncomfortable (we saw that in Sapporo we did have them place that camera for us to see them brush their teeth side by side).  Also, obviously they wouldn’t want permanent cameras placed in the bathroom for privacy reasons – duh.  Even if they did have control over turning the cameras on and off. In Sapporo it’s clearly a camera they set up themselves, one they could just pick up and take away. They placed it there for the purpose of filming themselves brushing their teeth side by side. 

So basically, imo, this whole brushing teeth in the bedroom JK was supposedly sleeping in was a combination of it all.

They wanted us to see them brush their teeth prior to going to sleep.  They didn’t want us to see that they were sharing the ensuite bathroom (the bathroom connected to the room JM was sleeping in).

And the cherry to top it all is showing us this is where JK is going to spend the night.

Because that was somehow something they needed to show us.

Unlike the cabin with the one bed, that didn’t ‘allow’ for another option, the two spending the night in the same bed while there are another 3 lovely empty rooms available, would be too much perhaps.

You know, deniability and all. 

Makes even more sense seeing this was filmed in July 2023, and the two did not know just yet what lies ahead of them when it comes to their enlistment.

Let’s talk about that for a sec, why don’t we?

Those cameras in the house, they were placed ahead of time.  Before the two arrived.  I’m talking about the permanent cameras – the ones downstairs, the one in the hallway, the one in JK’s bedroom, the one in the master bedroom.

This was decided ahead of time – that they will not be sharing a bedroom.  Not on camera anyway. And this wasn’t their decision!

I don’t think that JM asking while standing in that room whether to sleep together with JK, adding a comment about getting hit was an actual contemplation on his part.  I think it was him signalling that it’s definitely an option and perhaps the reason why he won’t be is because of not wanting to get hit.  Him doing all of that when JK is there in the room with him (probably going through his luggage which was probably there too – we don’t get to see, but it makes sense seeing how small the other room was and the fact that JK was using the ensuite).  We also see JK throw something onto the bed – perhaps a heat pack he took out of that luggage?  But he’s there and they leave the room together shortly after.

"Should I sleep next to Jungkook tonight? Will he hit me again?"...

Again, let me be clear here with what I’m saying.  JM asking this was a mute question, and he knew it, seeing that they were both well aware of the fact that cameras were already placed in the two bedrooms expecting them not to be sharing that bed.  At least not on camera.

And you know where else you see that bemusement about the separate beds?

In the trailer where we get them in Sapporo the two standing in the hotel room JK asking JM which bed he wants to choose.  JM’s reaction super telling. 

And what about the house in Jeju?  Clearly that second bed was brought up from the room downstairs (we know that from the original layout of the house).  Yes, Tae was joining.  But wouldn’t that be less sus them sharing a bed?  We’ve seen them all share beds in previous content.  Tae literally shared one with his mates back in 2022.  I guess that the idea was to show us that when there is an option they won’t share a bed?  That the CT cabin was a ‘must’ as there was only one bed and there was no choice?  Strange, seeing that there were other options for cabins that were not 1 shared bed.  Well, never mind that.  In any case I guess there was need for the deniability, seeing as to how cozy those two were the next day in that one bed in the master bedroom. 

Seeing that plus knowing they shared a bed could be construed as too much perhaps.

Btw, you know what that whole scene in bed reminded me of?

Remember that time JK was asked what his favourite memory from their trip to Tokyo?

Remember his answer?

JM staying up until 5 am on his phone and sleeping in the next morning?

Sorry, but that constant smirk on JM's face... to die...

and

Yes Jeon. "He" didn't sleep at night. That's why both of you overslept the next day.

*Side note: at the end of the interview/sit down JM won a gift which guess who was given straight away?

Well, them in bed together there in CT, seeing those few seconds we were allowed to see (with the many cuts) – that is how I picture them in Tokyo on that trip.  Those calm almost boring moments in bed together.  On their phones.  Snuggling.  Playing.  Just enjoying being next to each other, just the two of them, outside world be damned. 

That is what JK loved most in Tokyo. That is what was most memorable to him (our introvert sweetie).

And he got that here as well.

You could argue: "what's the difference here from the two spending time together in bed in Seoul at either of their palaces?" And my answer to that would be:

EVERYTHING.

How can you even compare? Being back in Seoul, with all the playing around their schedules and stress and pressures and anxiety that still linger even when you are home, even when you are together with your loved one. You can't compare it to this. JM taking the time off to be with him. JK taking the couple of days off during his promotions for his first solo debut. Getting away from it all. Spending those 3 days together alone. No work. No stress. No pressure. Even with JK feeling physically off and JM's diarrhea. Just the two of them, away. Away from everything and everyone. Having those tiny every so important soft moments.

Or in layman's words: having a cuddle at home is not the same as having that cuddle when away, taking that time to spend together as a couple. It's just not the same. It's so much more. And that is also why it was so memorable for JK back in 2017.

I’m getting kind of emotional here folks.  Don’t mind me.

Let’s get back to the brushing teeth in bed, shall we?

Again, in the second bedroom and not the master, even though it’s the master ensuite they are using as a bathroom!!

Why not see them brush their teeth on the master bed?  Yeah, I think I answered that one already.  We weren’t supposed to deduct that JK was using the master ensuite.

We were to know that JK was sleeping in that room, we even got to see him go to sleep and wake up there.  It was very important that we see that.  Not make a mistake that maybe, just maybe, they spent the night together.

What do I think, you ask?  I will tell you, even if you didn’t ask, lol.

I think that JK probably did sleep in that bed for a bit.  A BIT.  Like a really really short bit.

I also think that they spent much time together in that one bed in the master bedroom.  They got the pre-sleep cuddles (that we didn’t get to see) and they got the post-sleep cuddles (that we also didn’t get to see – and I’ll get into that in the next post – just saying that JK walking into the room and out of it after he woke up – the first time he goes in and out – there was a HUGE chunk cut out of the footage).

Oh, and they got the post-JK eating crap for breakfast- cuddles too.

This isn’t going the way I wanted it to, lol.  I’m talking too much about stuff that is meant for part 2 of Jikook in bed.  You see, this is why it is all intertwined and if there wasn’t an issue with image limits or readers losing focus with too long posts this would all be one post.  But 'tis what 'tis and I have to stop talking about the master bedroom!!!

So, back to the toothbrushing.

This was them:

JK literally pulling JM down to lie on the bed.

The giggles (oh, what I want to say now and am holding myself back).

Their playfulness is on another level.

Add the legs over shoulder.

After JM laying his legs on JK's shoulders, JK grabbing the legs and pulling JM even closer in.

I love how with Jikook we live on moments that remind us of other moments. And this one kind of reminds me of another moment back from 2019 during rehearsal for the LY concerts, JM coming in behind JK to hold him and JK pulling JM's arm in for an even closer hug.

And we have cuts, of course.

So many of them.

Including this one.

And this one.

The cuts.  We should talk about them for a sec. 

There is hours and hours of footage, and obviously there are things that are deemed to end up on the editing room floor.  Footage that might be boring or irrelevant to whatever it is they want to be showing us.  There is also a time constrict that needs to be kept.  Understandably not everything can be left in.

But it’s some decisions that make you raise an eyebrow.  Some of those editing decisions that make you think – why cut this?  Why not leave the flow? 

And these moments are exactly those type of moments.

Obviously the fans will go crazy for seeing them be so playful and mucking around.  They are brushing their teeth and it’s clear this isn’t something that is going on for too long of a time.  So, why not allow us to see the FULL interaction?  I think we know the answer to that, don’t we?  Once again it’s those two being too much.  Too obvious.  Too handsy. Too couplie.

How exactly does JK end up with his back to us?

Why is he with his back to us?

Why is the whole scene with JM’s legs hanging over JK’s shoulders cut short?

And why does JK continue to be with his back to us after this has clearly ended and JM is sitting on the edge of the bed?

I kind of think that I know why JK was sitting with his back to us, and why it’s cut at that point and we never get to see them get out of that bed.

Great time to sign off.

See you for part 2 of Jikook in bed.

[city-tickles]

Two Tickle Sessions In One Day!

Hi!

It's been a while but I hope you are doing well. I am still on break from posting clips or requests but I wanted to let you know about my recent sessions.

A month ago I was in one of those bad tickle moods. One of those moods where it was all you could think about and the rush of getting tickled or tickling someone was intense. I don't get these moods often and usually when I do, I don't like it because the last couple of times that has happened, I've received bad news about someone I care about, so it also makes me a little anxious when I get that way. Thankfully, it did not happen this time.

I needed to get the mood out but there was no one in the area to session with. Since no one was available, I decided to check out two parties that I have not been to in years. One M/M party and one Female Foot Party.

When it comes to M/M, I am 100% lee and it is something that does not give me much if any arousal. It's just tickling, and I can appreciate it. I'm sure I'd appreciate it more if it could "get me there" but I've seen enough clips and done sessions, and it usually doesn't. I also rarely do M/M because I have to be in a mood for it. This time, I was in a big mood for it, so I decided to go.

I've spoken about the M/M party in the past. Last time I went about 8 years ago, I just wasn't comfortable or ready to be there and it seemed like the owner took umbrage with that when I tried to leave. I figured a lot of time has passed and I have gained more experience, so hopefully things would be fine. I explain why I wanted to go to the party, and I was allowed to go.

I entered the party, and as a cis-identifying male, it's a little overwhelming at first. Action (Everyone is clothed) is everywhere right in front of you, but everyone is also very nice and doing their thing. I like to give people space, but there was no space to go, so I was just watching everything go down lol.

While waiting, I was introduced to a guy, who had grey hair and , who was also into tickling and we began talking. At first, the convo was small talk, but then we realized we knew each other from a previous meeting, which made things easier. After some talking, he asked what I was here for and when it comes to males, I am strictly a lee, so I told him I wanted to be tickled. Luckily, a massage table opened up and was cleaned off and ready to be used. We asked the table owner, who was a tall, slender man with grey hair and facial hair, if we could use it. Lucky or not lucky for me, we were allowed but the table owner was also into tickling. They asked me if he could join in and I figured why not?

I laid on the table and decided not to be bound because sometimes I stay still anyway. And before I know it, I have two lers all over me, testing out my spots and trying to find where I am most ticklish. They would glide their fingers all over my sides, under my arms, my tummy, my thighs and of course, my feet while I laughed and didn't move around too much. It was extra sensitive because 1. With the massage chair, I'm mostly looking upwards and can only see the ceiling. And 2. I'm getting teasing from all angles! The two very skilled lers keep saying things like, "Oh, he's real ticklish!" "I think he likes it!" While others at the party are watching and saying things like, "I think he doesn't want it to stop" and "He's having a lot of fun now"

With two lers on me, I never had time to have one spot make me off the wall ticklish because it was always changing. Sometimes it was their fingers lightly tickling my stomach that was the most intense. Other times, it was harder touches on my feet by one of the lers. Sometimes it was an attack under my arms. There were a lot of different moments during the 20-30 minutes of tickling that just kept making me laugh hysterically. I do know at one point, a hairbrush was used because I felt it and that always felt more surprising than ticklish. The other interesting part about having two lers on your feet were both styles were different. One was lighter and the other was harder, but both were effective!

(I couldn't find a MM/M gif)

After my time was done, I thanked them for the session and decided to wrap up since the party was coming to an end anyway. It was time to go to the next party.

This party, which I also had low hopes for, runs all the time in NYC and it is pay-to-play. I was that down bad, that I was willing to do it this evening lol. I went in with very low expectations and the reminder that if the first few moments are bad, I can just leave.

When I got there, it took forever for them to let me in, which already set my expectations to low. Despite this, I walked in and heard laughter already. Someone was getting tickled under the sheets, so I knew I wasn't the only tickler in the area. The girls that I saw in there were nice and chill to talk to for the most part. Some were more personable, while others just wanted to make their money, which I am not upset about. They're not there to be my friend.

The first lee was a tiny girl with red hair, and was ticklish but not that reactionary. I don't think she was ticklish on her feet at all, but I would always ask if it's okay to tickle elsewhere. Thankfully it was, and her upperbody, especially her arms, were her weakspot. She did not seem into it in the slightest, so I tried not to overdo it.

The second lee was this tall, black girl, with long hair and very nice to talk to. She wasn't sure how ticklish she could be, so I would tested some of her spots. Her feet were tolerable, her knees were very sensitive, and under her arms, she was almost unable to do!

I brought some tools that I didn't bring out at the M/M party (my bag at that party was all the way on the other side I just didn't want to bother with it) I ran an ostrich feather up and down her soles and her legs, which felt more relaxing to her. Then, I brought out TicklingDuck's device vibrating device.

As the device touched her soles, she would laugh hard, squirm around, cover her mouth, and was genuinely shocked at something being so ticklish on her. I asked if I could use the device on her knees and she went "Oh no!" and let me do it anyway, which I didn't do for long because she couldn't handle it.

The third lee was another redhead, who was also a nice person to talk to and wearing boots and long socks. I tickled her through the socks first, which made her giggle a bit, before taking them off and scribbling on her toes and soles so more. Her feet were also moderately ticklish, so I asked if I could tickle other parts of her body. Her weakspot was the ribcage and made any other spot look like a 1 compared to them! I spent most of my time on her feet since the ribcage was so intense, but we did play a few games. I would tell her if she could let me tickle there for 10 seconds, she would get a reward, which would be a foot massage or other foot worship. She agreed and barely opened up her arms until I scribbled in there and teased her further, saying "You gotta let me get in there or I'm gonna increase the time" She opened up her ribs and it was the longest 10 seconds of her life. Afterwards, I would congratulate her for making it through and doing such a good job.

After we were finished, I was ready to go since I had an obligation to get to later in the evening, but another taller woman approached me and asked me if I like tickling. She mentioned that she liked tickling to and wanted to know if I wanted to session. I was skeptical at first, because it felt like a money-grab, but I figured I'm already here so why not?

Best decision I made at that party. I started by spider tickling all the way up from her feet to legs, to her sides, across her tummy, back to her ribs, and of course under her arms. This woman was genuinely ticklish everywhere and was a lot of fun to play with. I would caress her thighs and tease like I'm about to tickle there, only to sneak attack and tickle her tummy. I brought out the TicklingDuck device again and we played another counting game to see how long she could last without moving, and I made sure to count the longest 30 seconds I could, running my fingers all across her tummy and under hear arms while she laughed her head off underneath the covers. The last thing I did to her, was bring out the pair of stocks that just arrived. I was itching to try them on someone and she was so excited to see stocks. We locked her bare feet and the stocks and I ran my fingers all across her soles and under her toes, while she was unable to get away or pull them out. While these sessions lasted 10 minutes, this one was definitely longer and we both knew it. After she was done, she complimented my ler skills, saying most male lers are rough, but I was very gentle with her, but also devastating, which I took as a big compliment.

Before I left, I had one request for her. I had a hard time locking the stocks on myself at my home, but when I did, they were not very comfortable. I asked if she could test the stocks out on me to see how good they were. She obliged and got my feet in the stocks. Once I was locked in, she began running her nails across my soles, which was one of the more intense tickles I got all night! I laughed hard and and was unable to do anything else, my feet were trapped and that definitely made the tickling worse! She would tease me and say things like "Aww! Is someone ticklish?" And "Now who's ticklish" until I had to stop her because I really had to get going. I thanked her for the fun time and planned to come back in the future.

Overall, it was a great day of tickles and satisfied my ler and lee moods!

[misc-obeyme]

Can I see "You're not alone. You never were." with Satan please?

Hello there, anon!

Okay, this was the first one I've done, so hopefully it turned out okay. It was like a little puzzle trying to figure out how to fit in the line of dialogue! Anyway, it's also kinda long because I have decided not to give myself a word limit... not sure if that was a good idea or not lol.

Due to the nature of this particular prompt, this one turned out a little angsty in the middle, but it ends with fluff.

Anyway, thank you for participating!

1,000 Followers Event!

GN!MC x Satan with prompt "You're not alone. You never were."

Warnings: hurt/comfort, some angst

From the very beginning, Satan was paying attention to you. When you showed up that day at RAD, he hadn't been sure what to expect. A human exchange student? One that didn't know anything about the Devildom or magic prior to their arrival? He thought you would be weak or stupid or both.

You might have been a little scared to find yourself in such an unusual place, but you surprised him with the way you handled yourself. As time passed, you continued to catch him off guard with how quickly you learned, how easily you adapted, how you stayed strong and confident through everything.

Satan was always observing you, noticing the little things that his brothers might have missed. The way you shifted your weight when you were nervous. The little treats you sometimes snuck from the kitchen in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep. How you always scrunched up your nose when you were dealing with a particularly difficult homework assignment.

There were so many things that Satan wanted to say to you and found for once he didn't have the words. What could he say to someone like you? A human who not only made pacts with the seven demon lords, but also became part of their family? Someone who was so impressive with their magical skill that Solomon himself had taken them on as his apprentice? A person who didn't just fit in with angels and demons and sorcerers, but was respected by them, too.

And then there would be times when Satan would remember that you were only human. He might catch you getting frustrated over a spell that you couldn't get right. He might see you suppress a wince when someone was rude to you. He might hear you swear under your breath when you made a mistake.

These things didn't make him think any less of you. They served as reminders that despite everything, you needed help sometimes, too.

It was in these moments that Satan found himself able to distract you. He went out of his way to cheer you up, bringing you to a cat cafe or giving you a particularly good book about something that he knew you were interested in.

Every time he did this, you would smile at him, even if you were in a bad mood, and the way your eyes went soft and fond made his heart melt.

You looked at him as though just seeing his face made things a little easier for you.

For a while, Satan was content to offer you these small comforts when it seemed as though you needed them. He wondered sometimes if you would ever seek him out for comfort on your own. If you noticed the way he was always there to lift your spirits when you were down.

There were several days when you seemed to be struggling, overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities that you had accumulated. Not only did you have all of his brothers to deal with, but you were now also a sorcerer and a student council member. You were studying with Solomon and doing student council work on top of your RAD studies.

Satan could see that it was starting to get to you. There were dark circles beneath your eyes and an almost vacant expression on your face. You moved through each day as though you were doing it only by memory.

One night you sat at dinner, eating woodenly, participating in the conversation with only one or two word sentences. Satan wasn't sure if the others had picked up on your mood, but if they had they weren't acting differently because of it.

After dinner, you went straight to your room, closing the door behind you without saying anything to anyone. Everyone else dispersed for the evening.

Satan paced in his own room for nearly half an hour before he decided to be direct with you. Normally, he would bring you something he knew you liked or maybe ask you to go somewhere nice with him. But it was different this time. You were hurting in a way he had never seen before. And it made him angry.

Satan left his room, striding purposefully down the hall to your door. He tamped down on that anger and knocked.

You opened the door for him and the sight of you standing there with your hollow eyes made him feel completely shattered.

"MC," he said. "Can I come in?"

You shrugged and moved aside.

Satan entered your room, closing the door behind him.

You looked at him blandly. "Is there a problem?"

Satan felt a burning within him and he fought to keep it from bursting out. "Yes. The problem is you."

You blinked and then frowned, the most expression he'd seen from you all day. "Me? What did I do?"

"Do you think I haven't noticed?" Satan asked. "You aren't sleeping. You're barely making it through the day. You're distant with everyone and there's this… emptiness in your eyes."

You stared at him for a moment in surprise before the frown returned. "I have too much work to do to worry about anything else. So if you only came here to get on my case about sleeping or my attitude, just leave."

Satan felt his anger spike and though he tried to stop himself, he couldn't. "You think I'm here to scold you? MC, I'm worried about you."

You threw up your hands. "And on top of everything else I have to do, you want me to fix that, too? I'm always the one who has to take care of everything because you all rely on me so much! Every day is full of something that needs my attention and it feels like everyone just expects me to do everything like it's no problem! Like I'm the only one who can! So I just keep going and going and even though I'm surrounded by people, I still feel so alone!"

Your voice broke on the last word and you realized you had been unloading, almost yelling. You covered your mouth and turned away from Satan.

Satan put his hands on your arms. He felt you shaking beneath his touch. "You're not alone. You never were."

Gently, Satan turned you around to face him. He took the hand that was covering your mouth in one of his, then used his other hand to lift your chin.

"I've always been here, MC," he said. "Since the very beginning, I've been looking out for you. I'm here because I want to help you. Won't you let me?"

Satan watched as your eyes filled with tears. The feeling roiling through his chest was unpleasant, but for once it wasn't anger.

To Satan's complete relief, you suddenly tumbled into him, pressing your face to his chest and wrapping your arms around him. He carefully held you in his embrace, pressing his cheek to your head.

The two of you stayed that way for some time before you took in a shaky breath and said, "I'm sorry, Satan."

Satan kissed your forehead. "It's all right. Just let me help you."

You pulled away a little to look at him. The remnants of shiny trails of tears were visible on your cheeks, though you were no longer crying. "You already have."

There was a light in your eyes again, one Satan hadn't seen in some time. You surprised him by kissing him, the warmth of your lips creating a heat in his heart that was unlike anything anger had ever sparked in him.

1,000 Followers Event | masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[notsoattractivearenti]

Goodbye, Summer (Christian Pulisic x Reader)

Song Inspo: Summer Love - One Direction (listening to the song while reading is highly recommended!)

WC: 2.7K

Warnings: cursing, angst

A/N: after a few months i finally finished this fic!!! this is my first christian angst it felt kinda strange to write one for him lol and just so y'all know i haven't been able to write angst with a happy ending so, be aware. and the start of the ‘summer love’ is a lot different than usual hopefully not too weird for your liking tho. also this wasn't proofread, sorry if this turns out to be shit. anw hope you guys enjoy and i’d love to hear your thoughts thru ask/reply/reblog 💗 apologies for any grammatical errors! feedbacks are highly appreciated 🤍

–

“Cause you were mine for the summer

Now we know it's nearly over

Feels like snow in September

But I always will remember”

—

Summer has come to an end. Well, technically summer hasn’t ended yet – but Christian had to move to Italy and this move wasn’t exactly planned but quite expected – so yeah, to me, summer is about to end. And the moment Christian hops on the plane, there goes my summer of love. It was fun while it lasted – though I wish it would never end.

Christian told me he was leaving just a few days prior. He had been back to the States two days after the end of the Premier League season and ever since we had been spending the summer together. I knew this was coming as we agreed we would only be together for the summer but I didn’t think it would be this hard.

—

I met him through a mutual friend last year when he was briefly in Florida to visit his family and friends for Christmas. I still had a boyfriend at the time – even though my relationship ended the very next day, it was already broken to begin with – so we became strictly friends and I had no intentions on dating him. Jokes on me, because I had caught feelings for him but I was so wounded by the heartbreak I wasn’t even aware of it. He did catch feelings too, though he thought I needed time to process the breakup so confessing his feelings wouldn’t be appropriate.

I didn’t want a serious relationship for a while – or so I thought – therefore I didn’t even think of dating since my last one. Christian and I would sometimes text each other, but it wasn’t a constant thing. We hadn’t really seen each other in person since because of the distance, but I watched every match he played and usually texted him to give my support before the match.

One night within the second week of May, he told me by text that he was going back to Florida for summer break and looking forward to spending the rest of the summer with me. I thought to myself: why would he spend his short break with me? I responded to him by asking why just me and not his friends and family, hoping he would say something funny and odd like he always does and instead he said something I didn’t see coming.

“Because I like you and I want to be with you.”

My heart stopped the second I saw that text. Christian… Likes me? My goodness, what an oblivious idiot I had been. I was deeply wounded by my past I didn’t see what was going on in front of me the whole time. I didn’t know what else to say and I accidentally left his text on read that night.

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“I’ve freaked you out haven’t I? Fuck I’m sorry!!!” 

Oh shit. I woke up to those unread messages from Christian – I just remembered I hadn’t texted him back last night. I immediately tried to reply but as my thumbs touched the screen to type, no words came to mind. I honestly didn’t know how to react, if I tell him I’m not looking for a relationship would it hurt him?

“I…”

“Christian…”

“If you want a relationship, I don’t know if I’m the right person for you…”

I locked my phone screen right after I sent those messages. I hoped I wasn’t being too harsh to him, but being put in this position was so overwhelming and I didn’t know what else to say. I just… I wasn’t ready. And I couldn’t tell when I would be. Not to mention he lives thousands of miles away from me and I didn’t think I could handle the distance.

An hour later, I finally heard back from Christian.

“I get it and I respect that.”

“What if we just… Be together for the summer?”

“We don’t have to think about what’s gonna happen after. Just be in the moment… You and me.”

I gave that idea of his a thought – a not-so-long thought because I was assuming I didn’t have enough time. I’d admit, while I found it interesting, I couldn’t help but wonder: would it be worth it? Would someone get hurt at the end?

Before the day ended, I finally made up my mind.

“Okay. I’m in…”

“But just for the summer.”

“And only if nobody is gonna get hurt.”

—

When he arrived, I was the one who picked him up at the airport. We absolutely spent our summer together everyday – there wasn’t a day that went by without him by my side and vice versa. He invited me to spend some time with his family and friends on their boats, and I had him spending time with mine on either the beach or my family’s home.

We were well aware we only had each other for the summer, thus we made sure every moment counts no matter how little or big it might be. We knew once this summer ends it also marks the end of our time together and go back to live our own separate lives. I didn’t want to think about what will happen next – I just want to live in the moment.

The more I spend my time with him, the stronger my feelings grow. It’s been messing up my mind, but I couldn’t let it ruin my summer. This was the best summer I’ve ever had in a long time, and I would not take it for granted. The memories we were creating throughout will forever live on in my head.

—

In the middle of our “summer of love”, Christian came to an agreement with AC Milan, and by that his time in Chelsea had come to an end and he had to relocate to Italy. And the club wanted him to join them for preseason, meaning his summer break had to be cut off sooner than he planned.

When he broke the news, I was stunned – not that I wasn’t happy about his move to Milan, I just needed time to process it. I also wasn’t ready for our summer to be over, but the circumstances forced us to cut our time short. It was pretty saddening for us that we unfortunately had to burst our little bubble.

“So… That’s it for us then?” I carefully asked.

“Let’s just not talk about it.” He refused.

I didn’t want to cause a fight at the time, so I agreed to let it go.

The entire time, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him. But eventually I couldn’t do that forever. You can't escape the reality no matter how much you want to.

—

Christian was packing his bags as he had a flight to catch the next morning. Yes, I couldn’t emphasize enough that we know our whatever-you-called-ship is coming to an end. In every hello there is a goodbye, right? But why does this feel so hard?

We have tried really hard not to mention anything about the fact that our summer love will be over soon but it is an inevitable topic. There is no way we can escape the conversation, especially on our very last day together. And I have to be the one to bring this up because Christian clearly didn’t want to – he might be the one who suggested the idea, but he is the one who is more in denial.

“Chris, you know we both have to say something, don’t you?” I tried to start the conversation.

“Can we not? Please.” He whimpered.

“We have to.” I insisted.

He kept packing in silence, not wanting to talk about the painful reality. I was sitting on the corner of his bed while he was standing across from me, avoiding eye contact since I started talking. He was looking down all the time – organizing his belongings – and not once he took even a little glance at me. I looked closely at his face, paying attention to every little detail I could. His face was red, eyes were puffy and watery, lips were tight – it was obvious to me he was trying so hard not to cry.

“So are you just going to freeze me out the entire time or?” Still no answer from him. 

I went and sat a lot closer to him and he tried to look away.

“Stop it, please! At least just look at my fucking eyes if you don’t want to fucking speak!”

And suddenly I saw tears running down on his face. He couldn’t hold them back anymore – his heart was completely shattered and it was obvious he was nowhere near ready to face the harsh reality.

“Chris… Listen…”

“Why can’t you change your mind?”

He asked a question that got me startled.

“What is it about me and the time that we had that made you certain you still don’t want a relationship?” His voice was trembling.

It took me a while to even say one fucking word to him. I felt like the worst person on earth for breaking the sweetest man’s heart. And to be honest, I broke my own heart too – and I was really trying my hardest to conceal it from him.

“Chris, you were the one who said, and I quote, “just be together for the summer”! I was being so clear I didn’t want a relationship yet you still offered me that. There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just… I’m not ready. And I don’t know when I will be again.” I desperately tried to explain myself to him but I seemed to upset him even more.

“Yeah, right.” He shook his head and smacked his lips. “Whatever you say.”

I sighed.

“Chris… Please, why won’t you believe me?” I asked him quietly.

“I don’t buy your bullshit anymore.” He replied coldly, while wiping his tears.

Now done packing, he grabbed the car keys and put most of his belongings in the trunk.

I still wanted to have more conversation – about us, specifically – but after he was done with his stuff, he refused.

“I’m tired and I have an early flight to catch tomorrow. I think I should just go to sleep right now.” He said as he walked into his room.

“Yeah, of course...” I responded.

I tried to softly grab his hand but he swung his arm further away from me.

“See you tomorrow, Chris. Goo-”

He slammed the door on my face before I got to tell him goodnight. At the moment, I thought to myself: oh no, he really hates me.

—

The next morning I drove Christian to the airport. He was going to Milan with his dad and he was meeting him at the airport. On the way there, we didn’t really talk much. There was so much silence – and somehow it made everything even more painful.

I couldn’t handle the tension any longer, so I tried to break the ice.

“Hey, thank you for spending the summer with me. It was the best I’ve ever had.”

He only nodded.

“Umm, I’m sorry this only lasted for a short while...”

He looked down, he sniffed and rubbed his nose and sighed. 

“Well, have fun in Milan! You needed a fresh start and you’re about to get one… Christian, I am proud of you.”

I tried to be supportive and not say anything that could be perceived as “something wrong” because I knew he was in a fragile state at the moment, though it seemed like he wasn’t going to respond the way I hoped he would. I was genuinely proud of him by the way – always have and always will.

He looked up but still avoiding eye contact, let out a slight smile and chuckled a little bit.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“And uh… Maybe you’d forget about me with all the girls you’re going to meet there...”

I immediately regretted what I just said. Shit. What the fuck did I just say?

He finally looked directly into my eyes – a look full of disbelief and disappointment. There was a moment of silence between us. This time, I was the one who couldn’t see him in the eyes.

“Chris, I’m so, so sorry I didn’t m-”

“How could you say that, Y/N?” He cut me off before I finished talking, by the tone of his voice I could tell he was mad at me.

I froze for a minute. I knew I had fucked up but I never thought it would be so much worse – at the moment I was really, really fucking shit up.

“Do you think my feelings for you aren't real enough so other girls can easily make it go away? Do you really think I can forget you just like that? Are you implying that what we had all summer will not stick in your memories?”

“Wha- no, Chris, that’s not what I mean!”

What a mess I had made... And before I knew it, tears started to fill my eyes.

“Well to me it sounded like that. I’m appalled to know you don’t see whatever we were as something real and meaningful. Maybe it was a mistake to even ask you to give us a chance in the first place.” He sounded like he was truly aching and filled with regrets.

I glanced at him for a bit and I saw him biting his lip and his face was already all red. I never wanted our goodbye to be this heartbreaking but well… In this situation it’s bound to happen, isn’t it? Because I didn’t want to escalate our situation any further, I decided to shut my mouth and stop talking altogether. I was aware that whatever I said might hurt him deeper. Fuck, why can’t things be easier?

—

After what felt like a very long ride, we finally got to the airport. We met Christian’s dad, Mark, at the front gate as I helped Christian with his belongings. Mark greeted me and gave me a hug.

“Hey, Y/N! Thanks for dropping Christian off, if only you could come with us to Italy!” Mark excitedly thanked me, not knowing what happened between Christian and I.

I shook my head and slightly laughed to cover my discomfort. Then I saw Christian looking at his watch, and whispered to his dad: “let’s go.”

I took it as my cue to leave, so I said my farewell to both of them.

“Well, have a safe flight, Mr. Pulisic.” I smiled and nodded at Mark. 

Then I turned to Christian. He was still visibly upset – I didn’t have the heart to say anything, really. I had caused him a lot of pain, and I was afraid to open my mouth. But at the moment I knew I had to, since I didn’t know if we would ever see each other again.

“You too, Chris. Good luck over there.” I softly tapped his arm.

I waved at them and was ready to walk away when I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I turned around and it was Christian. He pulled me in for a hug – a very, very tight hug, like he wouldn’t let me go. He rested his head on my shoulder and I rubbed his back the whole time. It was a long hug – probably the longest ever for both of us – and we could no longer keep our overflowing emotions inside anymore.

“I’m sorry…” I whimpered.

“I know.” He whispered.

He stroked my head and kissed me in the forehead. His lips stayed there for a while.

“Y/N, I have to go...”

It was the hardest thing to do but I pulled away from the hug. Before he went inside, he took my hands and looked me in the eyes.

“Y/N, you will always be my greatest summer love… I will never forget you.” He said under his breath.

And the moment he walked through the gate, that was the last time I saw him in person. What we had might be short, but I will forever be thankful Christian made my summer unforgettable.

—

“You were my summer love

You always will be my summer love”

–

taglist: @pulisicsgirl @neverinadream @swimmingismywholelife @chilwellspulisic @bracedes @lovelynikol16 @thoseboysinblue @lizzypotter14 @masonsrem @landoslover

[danses-with-dogmeat]

Day 31 -- Edward Deegan

The (nsfw) details for Kinktober 2023, Day 31 are just below the cut!

Minors, please don’t interact.

Aphrodisiacs with Edward Deegan x g/n!Sole

Lordy lordy, how I was SO excited to write for this man. And hopefully this doesn't disappoint!

Sorry it took so long to get out as well, some life stuff came up this past week that held me up, but it's out now! 😁

I hope you all enjoy immensely lol 😏

Also, thank you to everyone who indulged me this October! Your support (especially with some of these lesser-known characters) was absolutely amazing! ❤️ I'm going to be taking somewhat of a lil break for the next couple weeks to post everything on AO3 and recover lol, but after that, I'll post an update and see about opening up requests for the first time in... Jesus, a VERY long time. I'll talk to y'all then!!!

Here is the link to my  Kinktober 2023 Event List so you can stay up-to-date, or re-visit these works as you please.

Included: Aphrodisiacs, masturbation, fantasies, voyeurism-ish, attempted confessions, actual confessions, kissing, touching, hand jobs, affection, sweetness, cuddling.

Words: 4.6k

--

The door burst open with a crash, almost rattling off its hinges in his haste, in his salacious wrath and desperation. Edward closed it just as aggressively, feeling the surface of his skin itch, feeling his breath pull in with heavy, heady gulps that had his chest straining at the seams. Sweat poured from him, in a way the ghoul didn’t even know it could, with his ruined skin. 

Is it happening? Is it… working?

He hoped so. 

After the hell he just went through? The embarrassment of the overwhelming heat that was encasing him, the labor of his breaths, the haze in his expression. Normally, he’s cool as can be, smooth, stoic, even, but he was gasping, shaking, and more so than that, he was tenting out the front of his cargo pants to the point of blunt obviousness. 

The symptoms don’t matter. He told himself, as the memory of Sole's baffled expression flashed in his foggy mind. As long as it works, none of it matters at all. 

They’ll see him, for the first time, he hoped, Sole would see what he was before he was… this. 

Edward didn’t like to wave his own flag too vigorously, no, he wasn’t a vain man, but he had been… maybe handsome was too strong a word, but he hadn’t been this, that’s for certain. Jack had reminded him time and time again, that he had been more attractive back before his ghoulification, but now he was more intimidating. It made his job of protecting the family and occasionally threatening people a bit easier, they both agreed on that account. 

When it came to Sole though… he wasn't sure he wanted to be intimidating. 

He didn’t know what he was doing, trying to get wrapped up with a pre-war widow(er) like them, but logic had nothing to do with this shit. Before them, he hadn’t cared, hadn’t minded the way he looked, hadn’t minded his solitude, his loyalty to this family and lack of contact with anyone outside of it. Edward had always promised not to dabble in Jack’s serums, no matter what outcomes they promised, but when it came to Sole, when it came to being… acceptable by their standards, he’d thought this was a good idea, thought it could make him… well, desirable was another strong word for him to use, but he at least hoped they could see him as something more than Jack Cabot’s bodyguard. 

Edward growled as he tugged his hat from his head, throwing it to the worn, wooden floor below. His room was dark, musty, and consisted of nothing more than a weapon’s trunk, a dresser and a single bed on the far side of the little room. He cast bits of armor and clothing over the whole of the floor as he moved towards that shoddy mattress, hearing it squeak and protest as he laid back on it and tugged at the stiff fabric of his cargo pants. His underwear followed shortly after, both being kicked to the base of the bed as he spread himself out on it. 

He felt he could crawl out of his own skin, hell maybe he wanted that. Maybe the transformation was happening now, but… goddamn, why was he so hard? Why was his mind so... stuck?

It’s true, he was usually thinking of Sole these days, but never this… disrespectfully. That curious expression of theirs as he excused himself from their and Jack’s meeting, the way their eyes had followed him out, the concern he saw there, right at the end. Oh, but how he craved their attention, even when it worried for him. 

He imagined the sort of expressions they’d make if he had his hands on them now, if he could’ve stayed, thrown Jack out of the dining room instead of leaving himself. He could take them over the table, lying down the dining mats to keep the wood from harshly bruising their soft skin as his hands moved over their body, as he laid overtop them, pressing them into the oaken hardness until they were arching against it, setting his mouth on them, his lack of lips, his hot tongue, hearing them gasp, feeling them grow needy beneath his worshipful touch. 

Edward’s breaths left him in pants now, very nearly moans as he found his dry, rough hand moving over his rigid, drooling cock. 

What the hell?

He hadn’t even realized he’d grabbed ahold of himself, he’d been so wrapped up in his fantasy. Already, the sensitive skin around his shaft burned with the ungentle friction of his hand, but… he couldn’t stop himself, no matter how he tried to use logic, tried to think about the pain his thrusting palm was causing him, it was even more painful to consider pulling away, to leave himself stiff and wanting. 

It was impossible, too, not to think of Sole. As much as it made him feel dirty, it made his teeth grit and his chest ache, there was nothing else in Edward’s head. No thoughts beyond them. He had no past, no present, no Cabot issues, no frustrations beyond the need to be near to Sole, the want to feel them in his arms, the gripping, dizzying necessity of feeling their warmth all around him, caressing, encasing his cock. 

It was shallow, it was rude, it was creepy, but fuck… it felt too good. 

He kept imaging it, in details like brushstrokes of a world-famous masterpiece, he saw the light in their eyes, the way their hair spread like a crown around their head, splendid and mussed from his attentions, the glisten of their spit on their lips, of his spit mingling there from their recent kisses, that vein bulging in their neck from the strain of holding back, from the greatness of the pleasure he brought them. 

“Sole, holy shit…” Edward rasped through gritted teeth, hearing the slap of skin as his hand moved rapidly over his erection, hitting the base of him with such force it had him flinching and bucking into his touch in the same movement. 

“Wish you were here.” He growled out, his voice a dry husk, breathless and scratchy. 

If they were here though, is this really what they’d want to be seeing? Want to be doing... with him?

Probably not. Edward’s mind tried to reason. Still though, shit doesn’t stop me from wanting it. Needing it. 

What the hell was in that serum? 

 The ghoul felt his cock might burst into flames with the increasing friction of his hand. He felt the foreskin catching at his textured palms, his calloused fingers, he felt pre-cum drooling down steadily, slicking what little it could as his hand tugged and bullied himself until tears sprung to the corners of his pale, bloodshot eyes. 

Sweat poured in rivers down the grooves of his flesh, unchanged, unsmoothed and still just as ghoulish as it’d been yesterday and a hundred years before that. 

If it doesn’t heal me… what will this serum do?

It was all his mind could afford to think. In short sentences, simple collections of words, as the bulk of his focus remained on Sole. Their face in the throes of pleasure, the imagined feel of them all around him. Their sweet scent, gritty but old-fashioned, somewhere between the adventures of the Commonwealth and home. The way their nails would scrape at his skin, the way they’d breathe his name, the way they’d seek him out, their eyes, their lips, their affections, all for him... In this ideal, fictional headspace of his. 

Still though, Edward's imagination had his body frantically catching up, growing closer and closer to his release as he painted the image in his mind of what they’d look like in the midst of their own climactic end, brought about by his hand. The way they’d cry his name, grip tightly to his cock, pull him further into their desperate grasp as they shuddered below his frame– it was so real, his imagining of it all, that Edward went tumbling over the edge right along with them. 

The ghoul couldn’t help the gasps leaving him, the moans that he begged the drywall not to allow to pass through, just in case Sole’s meeting was over now, in case Jack came to check on him, in case the house was silent, but for him. It was no use pleading with the house though, not when his voice was so stubborn. 

Not when his imagination decided to materialize something beyond his comprehension– beyond his wildest fears. 

“Shit… Ed– I’m sorry, I should-- yeah, I'll just...”

Sole’s voice was so quiet, like it was entering his ears from another dimension; distant, like melodies from a neighbor’s radio across the street. 

He almost didn’t react to their presence at all. 

Almost. 

No true words left the ghoul, then, as he frantically pulled the scratchy blanket over his lap on the mattress. It did little to cover the way his erection still stood, stiff and stubborn, tenting the fabric as he moved to conceal it and as much else of him as he possibly could in such haste. 

Edward allowed himself one clear of his throat, before he began apologizing, explaining his actions away, pleading their forgiveness, questioning if they saw anything– all at once in a strange amalgamation of nonsense that even he scratched his head at. 

“S-sorry. Not– This isn’t– You should probably– Ah, shit, Sole…” He ended with a defeated shake of his head, feeling embarrassment of two separate types heating his ears and cheeks with each passing moment they spent looking over at him. First, was the shame of this person that he loved and admired seeing him utterly debased and wretched in his dark little room, with their name on his tongue as he did it. Second… Well, the shame that he’d tried to change himself for them, without even knowing if they were interested at all, that he’d been so desperate as to do this to himself, rather than simply be honest with them. 

Two hundred years of protecting an ancient, powerful family from all manners of incomprehensible harm, and he was still a coward. Afraid of his own feelings, afraid of rejection, afraid of his own damn skin. 

“Are you…” Their gentle voice snapped him out of his mental anguish, “I just wanted to come and check on you. After you ran out on the meeting, well… It looked like you were gonna be sick or something. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” 

Edward gulped, audibly and visually, and felt another wave of heat threaten to consume him, his cock jerking angrily below the blanket as a chill ran up his spine. 

Knock it off. His command to his body became more of a plea as he felt the serum bubbling up in his veins once again. 

“Wish you hadn’t seen this, Sole.” 

They didn’t leave, didn’t cringe or cry out or laugh at him, not when they first saw him, and not now. No, instead, Sole reached around and closed the door with a click behind them as they stepped into the dim little room, and made their way to sit on the far edge of his bed. 

“Are you alright?” Their bright eyes stayed locked to his, “What happened, Edward?”

His name on their lips was like a firebrand to his heart, setting it aglow with new, resounding affection that made his fingers twitch and his teeth grit together. 

“The serum…” He managed out, “Thought I could take some. See what happens, see if…” 

Edward’s own gasp interrupted him, as his body carried on with its basal needs without his consent. His fists clenched until his knuckles ached, until he felt the blood flow from his wrists halt in its tracks. 

“That’s what did this to you?” Sole blinked at him, their eyes remaining respectfully on his face as his body reacted to their voice, their proximity, the continuing effects of that damned serum.  Still though, even with all their unflappable respect for him, Edward could see they way their fingers fidgeted, the way their face seemed to heat, the way they so stubbornly made sure to keep their gaze on his face, and as far from his lap as they could without being overtly obvious.

"Jack said that he was experimenting a bit with the serums, but this is... Well..."

Sole cleared their throat as Edward mentally kicked himself.

Should've checked with the boss before trying this shit out on myself.

Idiot.

They must've seen the way he chastised himself within, for in the next moment, Sole scooted themself closer, and put a hand on his covered knee.

"I don't know if it's any of my business, really, but... Why did you take it?"

None of their business..? Edward could've laughed aloud at that. If only they knew.

"Thought it could help." He said vaguely, his voice still strained, his breath still more rapid than it had any right to be.

The place where their hand laid over his knee, even with the bed sheet keeping their skin from his, zapped life-giving defibrillations all throughout his body. It charged the blood in his veins, collected in pockets of heat in his chest, the base of his spine, the back of his head, between his legs, imprisoning the words in his head that he fought to pull out through his mouth. He wanted to tell them the truth, felt he needed to now, that they deserved to hear it, but his body demanded more. It wanted to act on his debased musings and pull Sole into his arms right now, to set his hungry mouth upon them, to tell them, not with his voice, but with the grip of his hands, the aching need of his heavy breaths, to show them, in favor of messily prying the words from his throat.

Can't do that. His true self told his body firmly, as many times as it could, to keep his hands in place on the mattress, to keep his eyes on the wall, rather than sweeping over their vault-suit clad body.

If I give myself an inch, I may not be able to stop.

That terrified him more than any other effect the serum could have on him. It scared him and made his mind and body tremble like the thought of becoming feral.

"Help what?" Sole prompted with a gentle whisper, and he could taste their breath as it washed over him. Jack's dessert coffee. Chocolate bon bons. Those sweet, frozen cherries the family has managed to keep all these years.

Edward's mouth watered.

"Edward?"

He must've been silent longer than he realized, but finally, the ghoul was able to blink, to take in a breath and hold it there, rather than panting it back out straightaway like a dog.

Maybe it's wearing off?

He could only hope.

Yet... The persisting aching firmness of his cock, the sweat collecting at the base of his back and along his chest, under his arms, it all told a different story.

"Sorry," He all but choked out the word. "I... It was for you."

Forcibly, he took the chance and set his gaze upon their face, trying to keep his body under his firm control as he took in their reaction.

"M-me? How... Why?"

Why? He let out a dry chuckle. That's a dangerous question to ask if you want to be out of here before dawn.

"Wanted to be better. Wanted to change so you could... So we..." A forceful shudder ran through his body, stilling his tongue, forcing his muscles to clench until they knotted, making his hips buck up off of the mattress until Sole was forced to pull their hand away.

"Shit--" His voice was back to a growl: low, intense, and charged with carnal desire he only dreamed he could keep at bay. "Have to leave, Sole. It's coming back."

"W-what is?" They stayed firmly, infuriatingly, next to him on the bed, their voice concerned, but also... something else.

"Edward," He felt his cock pulse and drool below the sheet at the way his name left them. "Tell me how to help you. I want to help."

"No." The ghoul shook his head, even as it fell backwards, slamming into the wall behind him as his body writhed and demanded attention.

"Please."

Fuck. He thought, his head still shaking in denial. Don't say that.

"It hurts me to see you like this. Especially if I had something to do with it."

Everything to do with it, more like.

"T-touch me."

It left him before Edward had a chance to reign it in, before his consciousness could plead with this serum-induced need of his and tell him to be patient, to speak to Sole, to tell them the whole truth, to take things slow, to make it last.

To his surprise though, instead of being offended, of scoffing and walking away, of looking disgusted or scared at his request, Sole, at last, let their eyes trail down his body. They even smiled as they bit their bottom lip, and moved their hands out towards him.

Without thinking, Edward leaned forward and into their touch, letting their palms press to the rough hills and valleys of his frame, letting them slide over his bare, glistening chest until one moved up to his face, and pulled him into a surprisingly lustful kiss.

Their passion rivalled his own, even, as they crawled almost on top of him, as their fingers thirsted for more area to touch, as they tilted their head and set their soft, warm lips upon his with vigor, kneading over his own marred mouth like his tongue held the key to their survival. It seemed theirs really did, in his case. His body needed them-- their touch-- like life needs water, needs air, needs sunshine, like a heart needs blood and a mind needs a thought. These feelings, the sensations they inspired, were a direct product of his being, but also the very reason he seemed to exist.

Edward finally gave permission for his own hands to set upon them in turn; though, he held back the force that the serum screamed to take them with. Stiffly, his palms caressed their waist, the jut of their hips, the small of their back, up to the base of their neck. He touched them like he was meant to cover them in it, like he was stained with paint meant to encase their entire being. Edward let himself kiss them, too, with the fervor this heat within him demanded. Let himself commit the shape of their lips and the sweet taste of them to his memory.

In case I never get the chance again.

He wasn't sure he'd blame them, if that was the case, but... at this point, there were many signs that pointed to something he hadn't considered.

Do they... Have they wanted me too? All this time?

Edward wished he could ask, but thoughts were like rising steam, and he wasn't able to grasp onto a single one and form it to words. Especially as Sole's hands travelled over him, as their lips left his and they moved their body downwards, adjusting so they could pull the sheet from overtop his bare form.

They did it slowly, their eyes asking before their voice could: 'Is this okay?'

He nodded to them, breathless, with his hands still firmly set upon their body, and they slid the scratchy blanket off him and to the unoccupied side of the mattress.

Sole barely took a pause, their eyes looking him over with just enough time for him to doubt their attraction-- no, their tolerance-- to and of his appearance. But then their hands were moving again, one sliding to the back of his neck, urging him back to their beckoning lips, while the other grazed over the head of his weeping cock, and took it in-hand.

"I've wanted this too, you know." Sole whispered into him, their hand moving slowly but firmly along the stiffness of his shaft, building that ever-growing heat in him to the point of pain.

Edward's mind was so addled, so distracted by their blinding touch, that he almost didn't hear what they'd just confessed. His eyes blinked open, his grip tightened unwittingly on their body as his expression pleaded 'tell me again.'

"You don't have to change a thing, Edward." Their thumb circled over the overly sensitive slit in his cock, and he pulled a hissing breath in between his teeth. "I want you just the way you are now."

Sole leaned in again, and he pressed forward more firmly than intended, thanking them with actions rather than the words he couldn't seem to muster in his current state. He moaned into the kiss, even, as their hand continued its relentless stroking, as it circled and tugged at his skin in a way more delectable than he ever seemed to master, than he ever thought was even possible.

But maybe that was because it was Sole's hand that was doing it.

They tried to pull away, to take in a much needed breath, and Edward couldn't help himself, couldn't pry his phantom lips away from their skin. He set them upon their cheek, down to their jaw, feeling the way their muscles clenched there in response, the way they shuddered when his rough lips journeyed to their sensitive neck.

Edward could feel everything.

He wasn't sure if it was the serum, or just the way his mind and heart clung to this contact-- to the fact that he was really here, doing this with Sole, with the man/woman of his dreams and most profound desires-- but he could feel every raise of a goosebump on their skin, feel their pulse thundering in their veins, could taste the essence of their being in their scent, on their flesh.

Their whole story: living before the war, the soap they'd used all those years ago, the cream they'd rubbed into their skin, and then their years locked away in their frozen prison, the hint of ice, of coolness they radiated from those long years, the ache of their great sadness, the strain of their muscles for undergoing that horrendous trauma. It was all there, beneath the touch of his lips, caressed by the heat of his breath. Edward cherished every bit of it, loved them for their scars, the same way they cared for him in spite of his own.

He didn't know why he didn't let himself see if before, didn't let himself believe it was true, but they really were a fine match.

Him and Sole... they understood each other. He knew their experiences better than any born and raised wastelander could, knew their struggles more intimately than the Cabot family ever could... and Sole knew of his own suffering more than any other human ever could.

Why'd I have to turn to extremes so soon? Risk fucking this up...

It was the only question-- the only thought-- he could stand to formulate as of now, as their grip squeezed over him, as their stiff fingers wrung his pleasure from his core out to the surface. Edward felt it building, felt the swell, the rhythm of his bucking hips grow fevered and desperate, and he felt their smile, even, before he glanced up to see it.

It was a focused sort of grin, their brows were drawn, their pupils blown wide and dark and wanting in a way that he thought it might just be his own reflection shining in them.

How could Sole look this way, for a man like me? A man, that isn't even--

The ghoul didn't have time to finish that thought, not as their thumb swiped over his tip again, as their other hand went down to join the first, massaging and kneading over his aching, burning, destitute hardness until he was holding back cries.

The meat of his wrist fit between clenching teeth, his forehead pressed to the hardness of Sole's collarbone as he leaned into the contact, aching and screaming for more with everything apart from his voice.

If Jack heard, or Wilhelmina...

If he hadn't been so occupied, he might've shuddered at the thought.

But this? Letting go, being vulnerable, allowing himself pleasure, a moment that was truly private between him and Sole? Anything was worth that. He'd lose his job, his room here, his name, his life, if it meant he could do this, see this, feel this again, with Sole by his side, in his arms, touching him this way.

He half wondered if he'd passed out in his bed after the last bout of pleasure, if he'd fallen asleep and the serum inspired the sweetest dream there was.

Sole's voice though, the feel of them, the way their scent and being surrounded him in every way... it couldn't be the case. It was sweeter than he believed reality could be, especially these days, but damnit, there was no doubt in his head that it was real.

"Let go, Edward."

Their voice was pleading with him, their hands pulling him along, never ceasing, as they brought him straight into that all-encompassing bliss. He couldn't hold back now, not at his climax, and Edward's head flew back, his muscles straining, his mouth falling open to release the most animalistic of sounds: a groan from the very base of him that had Sole writhing and gasping right along with him.

I made him sound like that. Their touch cried out as their hands squeezed and clenched until his essence was spilling out onto his clenching stomach, pouring down over their fingers and soiling the bedsheets below.

"Yes." Sole breathed, and he felt another shudder jolt through him, another spurt of seed from his pulsing cock. "That's it, hon. Let go for me."

Tears were collecting at the sides of Edward's eyes, his relief and euphoric release leaving him in trembles and heavy breaths.

It took a few moments, took the last of his pleasure to bleed out, and then Edward was back on earth, back in his room, back in this skin once more.

Sole pulled their touch from his over-sensitive cock, wiping their soiled hands carefully on the bedsheet before lying down beside him and resting their head on his shoulder. A cool hand smoothed its way over his body, making a home over his sweltering, still-heaving chest as Sole clung to him.

The serum hadn't quite worked, not the way Edward had intended it to, but... It really had worked though, hadn't it? Not the way he imagined, sure, but the end result was... close enough.

He didn't even realize it, not until his cheeks began to ache, but he was smiling, grinning toothily like a fool in love, as Sole rested against him, as he wound his arms around their form, holding them close, savoring every ounce of the person who accepted him, who didn't turn him away, who cared for him... as he was.

"Thank you." He rasped, sliding his hands over them as soothingly as he could manage.

Sole only hummed, a sweet, happy sound, and he felt the vibration of it throughout his body as they lay against him.

He felt at peace, then. He felt warm, he felt sated and valued and more content than he could ever recall before, and yet... A familiar sort of churning, a boiling sensation rose from deep inside him. His muscles twitched and his tired member gave a rousing pulse between his legs.

Edward could only swallow and do the ghoul equivalent of blushing, as Sole's wide eyes peeked up at him with one eyebrow quirked in question. Though, as he looked down at them-- in a coy, apologetic sort of way-- they still wore that fond, fiendish smile.

The night wasn't over just yet.

[lemotmo]

Hopefully they listen to her warning 😬

Q. Wait all of you are saying it's never been like this before is that true? Have Oliver and Ryan really never acted this way?

Q. Yeah that video was not okay. People still haven't let Lou live down a joke he was scripted to tell. Glad we forced him to remove the video.

Q. I love you, Ali, but I think they are absolutely trolling them. Kenny, Oliver and Ryan knew exactly what they were doing and the Lou people played right into Kenny's hand. They're too new to understand how maniacal Kenny is 😅

A. Okay I included one of their asks because they actually believe they're the reason Kenny deleted the video. Okay Tommy people I'm going to take a moment to be nicer to you than you deserve because you have no idea how dangerous of a game you're about to start with Kenny. Do not, I repeat, do not be stupid enough to think you all can turn your claws on Kenny and he will take the Oliver and Ryan route of just blocking you. He won't. He will absolutely passive aggressively destroy you in content. He is the definition of chaos. He enjoyed every bit of the reaction that video got. He deleted it because it accomplished what he wanted. He deliberately didn't post it to his stories, like he usually does, because he wanted it to be found. He wanted it to be searchable. He lives to torture people. The overwhelming majority of the comments were positive. The overwhelming majority. People got the joke. And the people who didn't get it (pretended not to get it I should say) were the people he knew wouldn't get it, and those people gave him exactly what he wanted. It's one of the reasons why I'm pretty sure Lou hasn't been on set. Because Kenny is absolutely the one who would make sure to get him in the background somehow just to watch the meltdown. It's what he does. You will not beat him. And yesterday proves Oliver and Ryan are more than willing to join him. Don't start a fight that will only embarrass and alienate you further. And not that it needs repeating but you also know the scripted joke for Lou was never the problem. The joke wasn't the problem. The timing of it and the placement of it within the context of that particular episode was the problem. Everyone has been quite clear about that.

To the other anons, no Oliver and Ryan have never been like this. But we don't know that this isn't how they would have been if fox had allowed it. One of the things that the BTS stuff from last year and so far this year proves is that fox obviously muzzled the two of them. It explains why neither of them ever seemed comfortable talking about Buddie. They clearly weren't allowed to engage. For whatever reason fox wanted no part of the Oliver/Ryan or Buddie show. ABC has decidedly embraced both, and it has worked out splendidly for ABC. And Oliver and Ryan are both now merrily following Kenny right down the chaos path. As for the articles I keep getting asked about most of them have been legitimate. But what's most interesting about them is they're all worded fairly closely which means they were given a direction from someone. They have all used the word 'shift' in the framing of their articles. One or two using similar phrasing happens so that could be explained away, all of them using similar language usually indicates they got a release of some kind from the show or studio. The two jurnos who cover the show full-time clearly got some kind of directive because their stories came out on the same day and were identical in nature. We don't have anything definitive, anons, but everything that is happening now has never happened before. That probably indicates something.

Thank you Nonny!

They should listen though, because Kenny can definitely be a bit of an online troll. LOL!

I never really considered them all using the same phrasing. That's definitely something to look out for.

EDIT: When Ali speaks about 'articles', she actually means the tweets from those two journalists. She explains it better here.

Again a very interesting post Ali. Thanks!

IMPORTANT! Please don't repost this ask and/or a link that leads straight to my Tumblr account on Twitter or any other social media. Thank you!

Heads up! For anyone who is giving me the shifty eyes for reposting Ali's updates instead of reblogging. Read this.

Remember, no hate in comments, reblogs or inboxes. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of Ali’s posts, you can find all of her posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[loveandleases]

Lol hopefully I haven’t sent too many asks; I actually haven’t sent this many for an IF before, so that goes to show how much I’m enjoying these characters! 😂 In reference to the last ask, I love that we can choose to play as an inexperienced MC, so that had me wondering: how would the ROs feel about being MC’s first, ahem, experience? 👀

And on a side note… how would Cam feel about being called Camera for a nickname? 😂

Hi Puff! Sorry it took so long to get to this, going top down taking a bit. You never send too many asks! I enjoy seeing people come back to as more. I can't go into full detail due to it being in the story if you choose to play inexperienced.

❤️ Cam -Excited, happy, and slightly overwhelmed. He wants to make this an important experience for MC.

💙 G - Awestruck, utterly shocked. It will take them a second. G will be somewhat pleased, knowing MC wasn't with Chris in that way. Not that they would think less of MC if they were but, part of them is happy Chris never got that part of you.

💚 Kara - She is the first to ask about it, if this is what you want, if it is then are there certain things you imagine happening during, She will want to make sure it's a memorable experience and lives up to MC's expectations especially.

💛 M - Knowing they have this in common, M will be slightly less nervous and more excited. They want you both to enjoy this, both to feel comfortable in the moment. M will list all the positions you could try, who can be on top, protection all of it. Then it will sink in that oh this isn't for their book they're actually about to do this. You will have to calm them down before they fluster themself into passing out.

💜 Isaac - They will seek reassurance from you. They want this to happen just as much but are you sure of all the people you could care about/ fall for, you choose them for this?

🖤 Ardent - He will set ground rules! He won't be doing a.b.c. or d. That is for when you're more experienced. He will ensure that he isn't too rough, that you are more than "ready" for him. Ardent will explain what is going to happen. He will joke that he is "the one", that no one else was better to have done this with. Will coo into your ear about how he is the first to get to enjoy you in this way, really the only one you need.

[meanbossart]

ASK TIME, sorry for the delay!

What's more serious than two men glistening under the sun smashing balls together in a grease pit (thank you also!)

I'll be honest with you guys, sometimes I don't know if I SHOULD answer to these because, well, It must come across as trite after a point to keep expressing my gratitude over and over, but I can't just leave them sitting in the inbox either. I'm so flattered by every single word of encouragement and compliment I get on my art, characters, or writing, the fact you guys who are strangers to me as I am to you decide to take the time to give me a little pat on the back or leave me a funny message is just incredibly sweet. So, thank you so much - the amount of messages can be a little overwhelming so please just know that even If I don't reply, I read it, and it put a smile on my face.

Thank you for checking out Sad Sack and our comics! Hopefully it wasn't too shocking an experience considering how I've since become an Elves Holding Hands And Bullying Wizards kind of artist LOL Not that me and barbatus don't have more work in that genre we plan to do (though admittedly nothing that comes close to the level of brutality in Sad Sack), but YOU KNOW... I realize that, if people found my ASS GRAB COMIC to be scandalous then me and my partner's comics might just put someone in the hospital if they were to stumble across it unprepared lmao

I'm glad to hear the experience was overall a net positive though, and ESPECIALLY that it inspired you to pursue your own projects! I definitely second the sentiment that the least that we (We as in people who were in the dumb edgy circles you described when we were younger) can do with all that bullshit we exposed ourselves to is to try and kindle some creative flame out of it, within reason, of course.

If you ever finish this comic you're thinking of working on, please link it my way if you are comfortable with doing so! I would love to see it.

BONUS:

Guys I have like 3 messages asking if I played fear and hunger. It's okay, you aren't obligated to have read every single thing I ever posted to find out I literally have a F&H tattoo, that doesn't bother me, I just wanna ask, sincerely, why does that come up so often. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY TO ME. DO I EMANATE FEAR AND HUNGER ENERGY. DOES IT SEEP OUT MY PORES ONTO MY OILY FINGERTIPS OVER THE KEYS OF THIS KEYBOARD AND ACROSS THE WORLD WIDE WEB? WHAT'S GOING ON.

[pretentiousgayguyidk]

Hi hi, hopefully you're doing well!

This is the first time Ive requested something from someone before so this is a bit scary in a good way :0

But I was thinking of Hakkai, Wakasa, Inui, or Koko (comfort characters) reacting to their s/o (x male reader) having a pretty bad anxiety attack where theyre just kinda not moving standing/sitting against a wall just kinda aloof?

You can make it a bit angsty too <33

I absolutely can, also so sorry these are coming out so late 😭 (also sorry it's so short, I'm pushing through the start of writer's block lol I hope you like it though)

It wasn't oftan that (Name) tagged along for his boyfriend's meetings, in fact; (Name) hand almost nothing to do with Toman or the Black Dragons... That was untill Inupi asked for him to be there, Mikey had agreed to let Inupi and Kokonoi join the Tokyo Manji Gang... And Inupi of course wanted his sweet little boyfriend's support... Oh how that backfired.

Now (Name) is completely silent, shellshocked, trembling all over as he leaned back against a tree - out of sight from most of the Toman member's. His anxiety was practically suffocating, his chest tightening with every strangle breath, palms sweaty even despite the cold winter air.

(Name) never did well with big groups, but he figured being here during a Toman meeting would be fine... But it wasn't, his anxiety was practically killing him. He couldn't move or react, so frozen by fear he couldn't... He hated being so fearful of being around people, he hated that he was always so anxious all the time. But even as (Name) was getting caught up in his thoughts, painfully aware of the pain in his chest... Inupi noticed something was wrong.

"Hey... Sweetheart? What's wrong?" He asks softly, crouching down to see his boyfriends teary eyes. Inupi's gaze softens a little - his brows furrowing slightly. He gently takes (Name)'s hands and urges the silent teen to sit down.

"It's alright, I'm here..." Inupi whispers, hesitantly pulling (Name) into his lap - hugging the trembling man tightly.

"Overwhelmed..." (Name) eventually mumbles out, slowly coming too as he hears Inupi's soft voice. The hair (coloured) teen lets out a shaky breath, nuzzling into Inupi's shoulder.

"It's alright, just focus on me... I'll make sure to get you (favorite snacks) on the way back home... Okay? It'll be alright." The blond teen reassures, gently rubbing (Name)'s back. It took a little while for (Name) to completely come down from the anxiety attack, but eventually he came to enough to be able to ride the motorcycle with Inupi... Which was surprisingly relaxing, despite the loud noises.

[studentbyday]

oops! i did it again. lessons from this school year...

Hey, you remember that post I made about my winter term priorities? HAHAHAHAHahaha ha ha. That plan totally went to shit, but it's all part of the journey, right? 😅 (Tbh, it's quite difficult to make a conscious effort to change yourself when the default response to being and feeling busy is to go on autopilot -> all the unconscious habits, even if unhealthy, take control, and bc it's unconscious, you don't realize it until it gets quite bad! anyway! no more! my future plans make it so this will be impossible to do while still retaining some sense of sanity. so to prep, we're gonna slowly implement little changes so hopefully it's not so overwhelming that i give up)

🧘🏻‍♀️ comparing mindsets in fall and winter term

Fall term was not that bad bc I had 2 STEM subjects I really really loved and was interested in (biochem and mol bio 💕), and despite their difficulty, that love and interest and the feeling that "I am in the right field for me" kept me positive. There were times I thought I would feel burnout symptoms if I wasn't careful, but I really think that positivity protected me from the worst of it.

Winter term, however...I had one favorite subject: moral philosophy, which led to me wistfully dreaming about an AU in which I double majored in philosophy and piano performance, lol. After the highs of biochem and mol bio and the natural ease with which the bits of info flowed together in those subjects, I did not enjoy pharmacology or the 2nd half of psyc as much -> loss of interest -> negativity and feeling like I'm in the wrong field bc how dare I not like pharmacology (or psychology) as much as the other life science-y subjects when it's really so important for us to survive and thrive! 😅 I mean, there were times I could get that spark from pharmacology or psyc, but it wasn't often enough or intense enough to keep me consistently inspired throughout the semester. The feeling of "maybe I don't have what it takes and I'm in the wrong field" was compounded by the re-realization that there's sm to know of bioinformatics and I struggle to know any of it! Persevering is important, but it's harder to persevere with a negative mindset.

😤 what went wrong this school year and what i learned from it

I still struggle with perfectionism (and bc of it, procrastination). While it might not be as bad as it was in high school, I still spent too long on assignments that weren't worth much and during finals season, was so scared of getting less than 90% just to keep up my A+ streak. Like, I'm pretty sure no one who cares to know your GPA cares about whether you have an A+ streak or not. I have too high a threshold for what is a "disappointing" grade. I also struggle with deep regret about how I haven't mastered everything they throw at us in each course... definitely an unrealistic expectation, especially as the proportion of new info to absorb increases with each course. I did what I could using what I knew to do, so it is what it is. I may find ways to make improvements and learn more, but I won't beat myself up for not having known to do those things in the past.

Did not use effective study methods. Since first year, my problem has been keeping up with the readings and my solution has been to just use typed outline notes. It worked for the first few years when it was mostly review from previous courses with a few new concepts in between. But as I progress through my degree, the proportion of completely new info is increasing. This notetaking method won't work anymore bc it just causes cognitive overload, especially during exam season (when I've mostly forgotten the details of everything that isn't smth I've already known for years). E.g. for pharmacology, I got so bogged down by the details of all the drug classes that I didn't see the big picture and so didn't organize the info according to it. This made it hard to see patterns and better chunk the info. I was so stressed during finals season bc of this (and the sheer amount of notes that I had to read for psyc 😭). What makes it feel like even more of a problem is that the cognitive overload problem from my notetaking method has been a thing for all other uni courses thus far, it's just that pharmacology was the first time I needed to create a stronger connecting thread between the otherwise disparate pieces of info (drug classes). In all other courses, that thread was part of the nature of the topic being studied so I eventually understood it as I kept going and mentally re-organized it in my brain...but even then it was hodge-podge and so my depth of mastery was and is so flimsy, and every semester I leave feeling drained and like I wasted the opportunity to maximize my learning. (How dramatic I get about this is also probably tied to my perfectionism, but I still think it would greatly benefit future me to change my notetaking style.)

🎓 advice for future me

Look at the academic calendar, specifically the faculty course descriptions. Look at how many hours they say you should expect to spend on each activity in the course. Try to use those learning hours as a guide for your schedule so that you don't spend too long on an item that isn't worth much. If there isn't such a breakdown, assume one based on whatever they give you or other courses and adjust from there.

Be a more efficient reader by skimming the text first so you can map the flow of info in a way that best creates ease of understanding/synthesis/memory (e.g. via an outline, tree diagram, flowchart, mind map, or simple drawings - and noticing when a list/outline will NOT be helpful bc it'll just be too overwhelming and not easy to compare/contrast info and see patterns). I knowww you've survived thus far without doing it this way and done well, BUT with this many courses, the increasing complexity of each subject, and the overload of info in each, you WILL need to do this to make quicker work of the readings, save you sooo much stress during exam seasons, and improve how much you learn while in school which is the real goal you've wanted to achieve all this time. Don't repeat the mistake you made in pharmacology. And it really doesn't have to be aesthetic and you definitely should NOT get caught up with it if you really wanna learn. You could just use one color for everything and a highlighter and just basic shapes/lines - that alone can be way more effective than boring paragraphs/lists or a colorful, overly complex diagram that'll just distract you from the main point.

Create a realistic daily routine (wake-up and sleep times, start and end times for schoolwork) and be strict about following it. Set your non-negotiables for personal goals to keep up with alongside your schoolwork bc academics aren't everything. Remember how you regretted not devoting more time to extra-curriculars and other skills in high school which would've rounded you out as a person. You can try theming the parts of the day so that you don't have to think about what task you should do first after study breaks and keep up the momentum (e.g. mornings for readings and notes, afternoons for active recall/homework). Then you can live the rest of the day after school as structured or unstructured as you wish. If this strategy doesn't work for you, you don't have to use it.

Take advantage of interleaving so you don't get bored. Whether by following the theming strategy or just switching subjects every hour, idc if you aren't done yet, you better switch bc the second consecutive hour of the same thing is never as effective as the first.

[onboardsorasora]

Enchanted AU: Christmas!

We have a posting schedule! that I will hopefully be able to stick to! I will be posting on Mondays and Thursdays. This will also pressure me keep me on a schedule to write lol

Part 1 | Christmas Parts 14 | Part 15

Part 16

Max pressed a palm gently into Daniel’s side and pushed him back onto the sidewalk and out of the way of an upcoming cyclist. They were out in the shopping district and Daniel was doing that thing again, where he was looking above them rather than in front. The city had started putting up their holiday decor, so there were new things to enjoy. Up ahead in the city center they were erecting a fairly large tree. It was impressive, Daniel looked plenty impressed, if a bit unnerved.

Grabbing his shoulder again, Max turned Daniel into the store he had requested they go to. They were buying Christmas decorations today and Daniel had been extremely excited. They’d just come from a shop where they ordered a tree to be delivered and now it was time to find things to decorate it.

“What colours should we get, Maxy?” Daniel asked excitedly, he was looking around with wide eyes, hands clasped in front of him as if to keep himself in check and not touch anything. Max thought that was fair because there were quite a few things in the store that looked breakable if you even looked at them too long. 

“How did you even know about this store?”

“Sophie suggested it.” Daniel was biting his cuticle again, looking at Max as if he was waiting for him to disagree with the shop choice. Max shrugged, if his mother suggested it, then it more than likely had what they were looking for.

“I dunno. Maybe gold, I think?” Max said, answering the original question as his way of confirming that he didn’t mind the shop.

“Yeah, but gold and what? We can’t just have a gold tree, Maxy.” Daniel teased, a grin on his face and a sparkle in his eye. Max smiled back helplessly and shrugged.

“I dunno, red maybe?”

“Gold and red it is!” Daniel sauntered off, looking at everything with a bit of childlike wonder. Every now and again he would zero in on something as if listening, before walking over to far corners of the shop and picking things up. 

Max wandered around as well, picking up little knick knacks style ornaments that caught his eye. Things he thought Daniel would enjoy as well. He made a small offering pile at the cash register. Similar to the piles of dead things the cats used to leave him. Max smiled at that.

Daniel wandered over eventually with a small shopping cart filled with decorations. All in their own packaging, it looked overwhelming. But Max trusted that Daniel knew what they were for. He watched as Daniel took in the small pile of trinkets. His eyes furrowed then widened in happiness. He looked to Max in confirmation that he could touch one.

Daniel took a small cat ornament into his hand, it was gold and shimmered in the lights.

“This is Sassy.” Daniel smiled then picked up the almost identical red ornament. “And Jimmy.” he looked up at Max through his lashes before looking back through the rest of the trinkets selected by Max. There was a paper plane and a bird. Daniel felt a flutter in his chest, he was touched.

He noticed the display that Max had apparently taken the ornaments from and scanned it quickly. His honey orbs locked on one in the shape of a car, it wasn't a race car but it reminded Daniel of that day in the mountains more than anything. And it was blue. 

He placed it in the pile and watched as Max took it in and a smile slid on his face as he placed the memory as well. There was a small blush on Max’s face as he put the car back within the group of red and gold. Daniel felt his heart swoop in his chest. Oh no.

He bit his cuticles as Max paid for everything, trying to not wince at the total price of the haul. Max didn't bat an eyelash so Daniel would try to not make a thing about it.

They managed to fit the bags in the car and Max led Daniel around the shopping center in search of a restaurant to have lunch at. They got a seat on the patio of a bistro and Max pulled out Daniel's chair for him.

“There's a Christmas market being set up, we can go there if you want?” Max asked offhandedly, skimming through the menu. Daniel looked over at him with a smile.

“That would be fun, we could go when everyone comes? The boys would love it.” Daniel rested his head on his upturned palm. Max tried his damnedest to barely look at Daniel more than a glance. He knew he would stare otherwise.

“Yes, that sounds good, I think. We could do it and the tree lighting maybe.”

“Ace!” Daniel grinned then placed his order when the waiter came by. Daniel tried to ignore how domestic it felt, having lunch at a restaurant with Max. It felt like a date almost, but Daniel wasn't going to think too deeply about it.

It would be what Michelle always called a ‘day date' (not really) where you run an errand and maybe get a meal. And you talk and enjoy each other's presence. If this were a date (it wasn't) then this would be a nice one. Daniel would still tell Michelle about it, but he'll make sure she knows that it was all platonic and non-date-like.

They continued to chat about the upcoming holiday season and all the things Daniel wanted to do for the boys. It was a lovely afternoon, the air was getting cooler and Daniel knew soon he wouldn't want to come outside without a hoodie. As it stood, he was ok right now as long as the sun stayed out.

There was a stiff breeze and Daniel shivered, his oversized T-shirt no match for the cooler seabreeze. Max's laugh rang out happily as he noticed. 

“Daniel it's not even that cold yet.” Max teased. Daniel smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

“I'm baby ok!” Daniel complained with a pout. He watched as Max stood from his seat and took off the lightweight cardigan he had been wearing over his tshirt. The same cardigan Daniel had teased him for wearing, citing that he didn't need anything for the current temperature. Daniel had gone to Jimmy and Sassy and ‘whispered’ conspiratorially that he was better at Max in the cold.

Daniel's face reddened as Max dropped the body warmed fabric over his shoulders. It smelled like Max's cologne and deodorant. He looked up at Max's crinkley eyed smile, back lit by the bright blue sky and reminded himself multiple times that this wasn't a date. Max was just a nice, lovely, considerate person.

This wasn't a date, this was just friends getting lunch. Friends who happened to live together– temporarily. 

“Thank you Maxy.” Daniel said shyly. This wasn't a date.

“Oh, of course, it is no problem, Daniel.” Max said, slipping back into his chair. His shoulders seemed to broaden and get bigger now that they weren't being hidden by his sweater. Daniel looked away from Max's chest and biceps that were now indecently front and center. This wasn't a date.

But if it was, it would be simply lovely.

Part 17

[ctrlhope]

HOSEOK IS HOMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

OHHHH MY GODDDDD!!!!!!!!

(updates below the cut lol) (also a sneak peak)

hiiiii!!! long time no talkkkkk my lovlies (＞ω＜)♡

first off-- an apology :(( im really sorry for just disappearing. i hate it, you guys hate it. i know :( it's really my worst flaw when it comes to writing / tumblr in general, haha~ i get rlly into something and hyperfixate on it (fun fact: bound by blood was written in like 3 days bc i got so into it lol), and then a gradual fallout until i feel burnt out. which then leads to the whole "omg i left for so long, now im anxious that everyone is gonna hate me when i come back and cause i haven't updated in so long and yadda yadda" when i actually want to come back LMAOOOO. which i know isn't true, but like, you know AKSNDK. So i hung out on my anime blog for a bit, then on discord, blah blah blah boring stuff!!

either way, i really am sorry for just dipping for so long. i always came back to check on this blog every once and awhile and to read stories. i really love the little community i built over here and i love all of you guys dearly. you really make this blog such a fun and enjoyable space for me so i hope you accept my apology and we can all still be fun and hang out and stuff <33 i missed you guys dearly.

THAT BEING SAID!!

I am back!! I was planning to come back for kinktober, actually, but unfortunately time just got away from me and I wasn't able to complete everything that I wanted to. This semester has been HECTIC!!! Senior thesis's are no joke, man, no joke. Feeding 600 spiders... every week.... BLEH!! (not cause of the spiders aksjhwfkh just cause it takes so long!! like!!)

That being said-- I don't have a current update schedule yet, just because I don't want to put too much pressure on myself again (burnout is a bitch!!) but~~ as of right now, I have plans for a "full comeback" (read: first fic) to come out the first week of November!! A little teaser of it will be at the bottom of this post too <33

Hopefully, if everything goes according to plan I will have a 'ficvember' (lol), where I post a fic every other week of November and December!! It is not set in stone (read as: I want to have a few fics lined up before I start just so I don't feel overwhelmed) but if everything goes according to plan, it will happen!! I'll make sure of it!!

I also plan to have a follower milestone soon, so stay tuned for an announcement post of that. I have lots of different things I want to do for it, I'm just not fully sure what you guys would like to see! I also updated my wips, so feel free to check them out to see what i've been working on!

But yeah!! Those are the plans so far!! To lay it out in a more organized manner:

November 1st: Chasing Tornados -> myg

November 2nd - 8th: Follower milestone announcement

November 15th, November 29th: New fic

Anyway! To wrap up this entirely too long post (I'm sorry, I'm terrible at shutting up), I truly am sorry for just leaving for so long. I have lots of plans in the works-- things I'm very passionate about and need to get out of my head before I explode, so new fics coming soon, I promise <333

Now, here's the reward I promised if you made it this far <33 I love u and we should kiss on the mouth freaky style <333