#hope every person with chronic pain is having an easier day today

[teaboot]

I seriously hope you can job hop to something else cause you're not chaotic neutral man.

You're still a white Canadian whose actions and job help more the megacorps keep the status quo.

I really looked up to you but that's on me.

And yeah, I know security, cop shit and military pay good money but at the cost of my people? Fuck no.

Listen. I feel you. But there's a lot of cold, power-tripping bastards in this line of work and if I stick where I am then they don't get to have that.

I'm not a cop. I am not beholden to the justice system. Sometimes I get contracted out to people who say shit like "addicts should be put down, if you see any crackheads drag them out" and I nod and say "yes sir", and then I take their money and use it to buy those people coffee and a sandwich and tell 'em when free lunch days are at the church.

Boss sees me walking with someone and thinks I'm kicking them out, gives my boss great reviews. I'm having a great conversation with Connie, who used to by a stylist and wound up on the street after an accident that left her with chronic pain and a heroin addiction. Connie learns that there's a gap between two property lines nearby where technically nobody can call to have her removed.

There's a really sweet guy in town who's normally very nice, but sometimes flies into paranoid rage and yells slurs at people. Sometimes he forgets he's been banned from places and wanders in looking for a wife he hasn't had for nine years. Owner sends me to kick him out, and I ask "hey Mike, how are you?" And see where we are today.

One time there was a guy whose abusive ex kept following him to work, and I got to walk him to his car at the end of every day to make sure she couldn't get him alone.

Another person had a stalker who kept asking receptionists when she was gonna be there, when she was supposed to leave, if she was in today. I'd keep record of every time he came in, every time someone saw him, every time he violated his restraining order or damaged her things.

And when I wonder if I'm actually helping or not, or if I'm part of the greater problem, I remember that other people who work with me call homeless people wildlife and talk about how bad they wanna get an excuse to fight someone and I remember that I'm the one who knows where the blind spots on the cameras are, and thank God it's not him.

My position is fundamentally different from that of the military or law enforcement. I don't *need* to be buddy-buddy with most of these dickheads- I don't *need* to send people into the justice system.

I do single-person foot patrol. Nobody cares how I get the job done. They say, "Hey, faceless goon number three- make that bastard disappear" and I say "on it, boss" and give him tickets to disney world.

I once asked another guard if he knew that one of our regulars used to be an airplane technician. He said, "No, I don't talk to them". Blanket "Them". "Them" as in street people. "Them" as in addicts, or shoplifters, or ex-cons, or sex workers.

I asked why, and he told me, "it's easier if you don't think of them as people."

Anyhow, now I get calls to "watch that sketchy lady who just came in" and I say, "yes, sir" and leave her the fuck alone, 'cause that's Jolene, and people always think she's on drugs and aggressive but she's just deaf in one ear and slurs cause she has brain damage, you dickhead

so yeah, don't worry, I've spent a lot of time weighing the pros and cons of my vocation, and I still think I'd rather be in charge of my locations than someone like Darryl, who dreams of "cuffing a perp" and drives a car with Punisher decals on the hood

Also it's minimum wage but that's kinda tangential

[pteroducktyll]

FtM Hysto Recovery + Tips (Plus general tips for dealing with low/no spoons or recovering from any surgery)

I haven't been on Tumblr for years, but recently re-joined to check out art, as I start to work on getting my idea for a graphic novel off the ground (as well as getting serious about improving my art again). However, I'm hoping these first few posts get found by an entirely different audience. This is being written in 2023.

I'm going in for a laparoscopic hysterectomy on Thursday (today is Monday) and want to share my experience, as much as spoons will allow, so that other people can hopefully benefit in the future. I, personally, have struggled to find things online that fit my situation as a trans man with a history of pre-cancerous pap smears, abnormal bleeding, PID and ovarian cysts (but not PCOS). Although hysterectomies for "GRS" or gender affirming surgery purposes are easy to get where I live, mine in particular is primarily being done to avoid cancer and to stop the abnormal bleeding and random debilitating pain that comes out of nowhere every few years and upends my life for weeks/months. So if you're someone facing the prospect of a laparoscopic hysterectomy, regardless of your gender identity, and have a history of medical issues (but not PCOS or endometriosis) in your reproductive region, this blog may help you! Or, alternatively, if you're a trans man looking to get a laparoscopic hysterectomy, whether or not you've had issues in that region, this might help you, too!

It should be noted that this is written from the perspective of someone in their 30s with a complicated medical history, including Type 2 Diabetes and a very rare kidney disease (which has an average life expectancy of 29 years for men, but we aren't sure how it affects trans men), so the pre-surgery process I've been through is not the typical one. I also have chronic pain and know from my past experiences with very severe pain that a) I have a low tolerance for any pain beyond what I deal with day-to-day and b) I have a high tolerance for opiate pain medication, which means it takes a higher dose for me to address the level of pain that a lower dose would address in someone else. These both affect the length of time that I'll likely need to be on painkillers, and how functional I'll be while I'm on them. This, in turn, affects how quickly I'll be able to do things like return to work and driving.

I should also note that although it's common in some places for this surgery to be completed as day surgery, my jurisdiction almost always keeps people in overnight; this is because it takes almost 24 hours for the anesthetic to work its way out of your system, and until it does they won't have a true indication of your pain levels and, therefore, won't be able to make sure it's adequately controlled before sending you home. It's much easier (in my experience, and according to the doctors!) to stop you from having pain in the first place than to get it under control once you do.

Also, I live with my partner and a roommate, and my retired parents are about 90 minutes away and have a guest room. My support network isn't huge, but it's high quality. My partner managed to get 3 days off work for my surgery and the 2 days following, and after that is on a light workload for about a week in case she needs to take care of me. She also has a lot of flexibility with her job, and her boss really likes me, so if there are complications or she needs to spend more time at home to look after me, I don't think it's completely out of the question. All of this is to say that I'm going into this surgery from a very privileged place, in terms of not having to do much to look after myself in the aftermath. My surgeon did advise me, however, to take 1 week (for sure) off work if I could, and that I may need a second week. My work consists of two research jobs that draw heavily on my brain power, but don't require me to move around at all, especially as I work from home, so the issue is the painkillers, rather than actual healing time. Other jobs will require different amounts of time off work.

Because I'm neurodivergent and like to have as many details as possible about ... literally everything, I'm going to make this as detailed as I can. Essentially, I'm hoping to share everything I know and experience without leaving anything out. If it's too much detail for you, I'm going to be doing my best to include useful headers.

Notification of Surgery & Lead-up

I received notice about my surgery just over a month before my surgery date; it was around June 26th that I was emailed and told my surgery would be on August 3rd. I had previously met my surgeon in January, and was told it would be a 6-8 month wait until surgery. Between that appointment and being given my surgery date, I'd had bloodwork done, as well as an internal ultrasound. I've had several internal ultrasounds before and while they are far from pleasant, they are not as dysphoria-inducing for me as they are for other trans men, I'm sure. I am more physically uncomfortable during them than mentally/spiritually uncomfortable.

In the notification email, my surgeon sent additional attachments; about 200 pages of information from a) their office specifically and b) the health authority [one document about hysterectomies, one document about recovering from surgery in general]. These documents answered most of my questions, and also had instructions about fasting, pre-surgery instructions (there's a special sponge I have to buy and use the night before surgery and the morning of surgery) and recovery information. The documents were very generic, and because they came from different sources, the information was sometimes contradictory. I, personally, took the information on board in this order of trustworthiness:

Things my surgeon had said in-person during my consultation appointment in January

Things included in the information from my surgeon's office directly

Things included in the documents from the health authority

If there were contradictions that seemed extremely important (e.g. one document said to wash everything my face with the special sponges, while another said, in all caps, to absolutely NOT wash my head or face with the sponges), I followed-up with the surgeon's office or the most appropriate person (e.g. pharmacist).

Pre-surgery Appointments

Because of my medical history (diabetes and Alport's Syndrome), I had an extra step in here. My surgeon required me to have a consultation with my internal medicine doctor's clinic (but not with my specialist) to get the all-clear and make sure my risk level wasn't too high. This doctor made some assumptions about the medications I'm taking, which led him to think I had both diabetes and a heart condition, which would have put me in a much higher risk category. Because of that, he ordered extra bloodwork, and an ECG, and booked a follow-up with me for a few days later. That initial appointment with him ended on the assumption that the surgery likely would be postponed. However, the bloodwork and ECG all came back fine, and at the follow-up he gave me the all-clear and said my risk wasn't very high at all.

I had a few other pre-surgery appointments.

One was with the surgeon. In my case, the doctor actually doing my surgery is a resident colleague of the surgeon I initially consulted with. Now that I had a specific date for the surgery, and my life situation had changed a bit since the consultation (e.g. work), I asked to meet with the surgeon to ask questions that had come up since the initial consultation, and so that I could meet the person who would be cutting into me and make sure I was comfortable with her. She answered all my questions really well, and it turned out I was more comfortable with her than the original surgeon. This was a quick 5-10 minute talk, but I highly recommend asking for it, even if your surgeon hasn't changed. You'll have another chance to talk to your surgery just before being wheeled into the OR, but you'll be nervous and may be medicated by then, and it's just nice to have this conversation ahead of time and in an environment where you can look at a list of questions you've written down, and actually pay attention to the answers.

The hospital required another two appointments before surgery:

The pharmacist

About a week before my surgery, the pharmacist called for 5-10 minutes to discuss my current medications, supplements, vitamins and holistic medicines (if I were taking any) and to find out what time of day I take them at. Easy peasy.

2. The anesthetist

Exactly a week before my surgery, the anesthetist called to discuss the operation itself and the anesthetic. I'm not sure if the doctor I talked to will be the anesthetist who is actually in the room with me, or if it was just her job that particular day to call and get the information that will get passed onto the one who will be in the room. She was very nice, and explained the method of anesthesia, as well as how I'll likely feel when I wake up, etc. She also saw on my chart that I have a history of chronic pain, and zeroed in on my back and shoulder. She asked if there are any positions that make me more comfortable, and then explained the position I'd be in for my surgery -- tipped back toward my head -- and that this sometimes gives people back and shoulder pain even if they don't have any to begin with. She said my arms would be alongside my body, fairly tight to it, and I said that would be fine. I practiced laying them beside my body later that day and promptly discovered that's actually pretty painful for one arm, but I'll mention that when I get there and hope for the best! If I was having the conversation again, I'd answer by saying I wasn't sure how that would feel but that I'd practice it before the surgery day to see, and then ask who I could talk to if it turned out there's a better position or if that one wouldn't work. Ultimately though, the surgery should be 1.5 hours to 4 hours at most, so I'm not overly concerned. What you should take away from this if you're having this surgery and don't already have back/shoulder pain is that you might wake up with some, but that it should go away in a day or maybe a little less. This type of surgery also requires the surgeon to inflate your belly with gas in order to make room for the scopes and so that they can see what they're doing. That gas can stick around for a day, sometimes two, according to the anesthetist and can be a little bit painful or uncomfortable. I can't remember anything else that came out of this conversation.

In terms of pre-surgery appointments, that was it.

Tips and Tricks for Being Prepared

The next little bit is information I acquired through talking to my therapist (who's had several laparoscopic surgeries!) and many hours of research online, as well as living as a person who often has few spoons.

Get your first 1-2 weeks of meals planned and ready in advance. For me, this means I've picked up a large number of cans of Alphaghetti-type foods, and I'll be buying as many frozen meals as I can but have VERY little freezer room because my partner and I share with our tenant. Other options include things like HelloFresh, identifying nights when it will be easier for your partner if you order food in (if you can afford to), making big batches of food leading up to surgery while you're well and then freezing them, creating a list of meals you'd appreciate friends bringing over [remind them to bring them in disposable containers, so you don't have to feel guilty when it takes you weeks to get the containers back to them!], etc

Buy some Depends/adult diapers. I bought store brand (Life brand, specifically, which is Canadian) ones. The only ones I could get were maximum absorbency unless I wanted to pay twice the price for name brand ones, but I suspect I could do with a minimum absorbency one. I bought the underwear-style ones. In the store brand, they don't look very underwear-like at all, but if you have more money to spend, some of the name brand ones look convincingly like underwear! I also bought 'Unisex' ones, but would have bought womens if the unisex ones weren't an option; I suspect the mens' might have a built-in bulge area that would be awkward for me. The point of the adult diapers is that their 'waistband' is not a traditional waistband -- it's about 8" tall, very thin, and crinkle-cut so that it doesn't put pressure on your skin. This will stop you from having clothing pushing on your incision sites. BONUS is that they ARE absorbent, so you won't have to also wear pads to deal with discharge (which can, apparently, last for 6 weeks). Try the Depends on for a day a few days before surgery. Yes, it will be awkward and you'll feel silly. I am literally sitting in bed, with nothing wrong with me, wearing nothing but an adult diaper and a tee shirt while my partner's at work. But this has 2 purposes: 1) chances are you haven't worn these before, and you want to make sure you've got the most comfortable ones you can in terms of fit and style; 2) if you've worn them once already, it'll be familiar when you go to put it on when you're ready to leave the hospital; you'll know which side is the back and which side is the front, and the 'weirdness' of wearing them will be less unsettling. You're going to have other weird stuff going on, this doesn't have to be yet another weird thing happening!

If you live alone or your partner doesn't (or can't) change the sheets, layer sheets on the bed. That's right, layer your mattress with bottom sheets. That way, you can peel the top one off and have a cleaner sheet beneath it. It won't be the same as being able to sleep on a fresh, clean sheet straight out of the cupboard or dryer, but it's going to be better than the one you've slept, sweat or, universe forbid, bled on.

Get a LEAKPROOF (truly) travel mug with a handle. After surgery you'll have maybe one comfortable position to lay in. You're not going to want to get out of that position to retrieve your water, but you're also going to need to be drinking a lot of water (it helps you recover, and also helps get your bowels moving again). Being able to lose your water in the bed is a luxury, but a necessary one. I got mine at Winners for pretty cheap.

Get a nightie or onesie. I usually sleep naked. I don't really own pyjamas -- when I need to cover up to sleep (like when I visit friends or travel), I throw on a pair of joggers, or boxer briefs. But those both have waistbands and, remember, we're trying to avoid waistbands. I ordered a sleep shirt from Oodie, which was on sale, but still expensive (I paid around $60, including 1-2 business day shipping because I didn't think of it until the last minute), as well as a halloween one-sie from Old Navy that's apparently leftover from last year's halloween stock. I'm expecting the onesie to be way too hot, but I need something I can wear out in public in case I have to get groceries, or pick something up at the pharmacy, or stand outside because the building's burning, without exposing myself. I also borrowed a robe to go over the sleep shirt when I leave the hospital.

Have whoever's picking you up bring 2 pillows. One goes between your abdomen and the seatbelt, and you sit on the other one.

Have whoever's picking you up bring fast food. When you leave the hospital you're going to either be ravenously hungry or feel like you never want to eat again. Either way, fast food is going to be the one thing you didn't realize you needed so badly in your life until that moment. Your body's going to be craving carbs and fat, and fat is also what's going to help your pain pills kick in.

Have ice cream, chips or other junk food on hand. This is mostly so that you have something to eat when you take your pain pills. Fatty foods help opiates work faster; as someone who takes them several times a month for chronic pain, I've sometimes noticed a difference of -hours- between taking them with fatty foods and taking them on their own.

Get a walking aid. We use our abdomens for everything. If you don't already have something like a cane, pick one up. Keep the receipt though; if you don't end up using it, you can usually take them back. With that said, my therapist said it's at about the 2 week mark when you feel like you actually need one. If you don't have a cane but you have walking/hiking sticks, dig them out and keep them handy.

Grab some baby wipes. You can get laparoscopic incisions wet, but that doesn't mean you're going to feel like you have the energy or endurance to shower right away. You're still going to want to keep your pits and bits clean.

If you take daily medications, organize them in a pill organizer. Things can get confusing when you're on painkillers, or when a partner is dishing out your meds. You know exactly how many you take, and how often, so the best way to approach this is to get a pill organizer and get all your doses for a week ready before your surgery. Monday AM, Monday PM, Tuesday AM, Tuesday PM, that kind of thing. There's nothing worse than being on painkillers and trying to remember if you've already taken That Very Important Medication You Can't Miss or not. Or, worse, not even realizing you've missed something that can give you withdrawal symptoms, and suddenly waking up a few days after surgery feeling worse than you've ever felt in your life and wondering if you need to go to the ER, only to have it turn out that you missed your meds.

Buy something for yourself that you can look forward to. I bought a video game that I've wanted for a couple of years that was finally on sale. I haven't touched it, and won't until sometime after surgery when I feel up to it. Giving yourself a little reward when you're going through something hard is always nice.

If you're diabetic...take a minute before your surgery to remind your partner/anyone you live with/anyone who's going to be looking after you about how and when to check your blood sugars, what numbers are abnormal for you, and what to do about them. Being ill or recovering from a surgery can really throw your diabetes out of whack, even if it's well-controlled beforehand, and recovering from surgery might make you feel a lot of the same symptoms you'd feel from a hypo/hyper or DKA, so make sure you (or someone else) test your sugars regularly and have things on hand to deal with abnormal or worrying results.

Take your phone everywhere. Painkillers (and pain) can make us unsteady. As someone who's taken a fall and had to wait hours for my partner to wake up and find me and help me back to my feet (and then bed), I don't recommend it.

These are the things I know about pre-surgery, but I'll try to update...eventually if I learn anything new post-surgery.

[babysargent]

Hey babe.

Welp, it's been about 7 years since I added to this blog! But it's 2am and I can't sleep so what better time to start writing to you again?

So, yeah. The past seven years have been a whirlwind. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same! So maybe it's best to just give a breakdown of where we're at right now?

The date today is 13/11/24.

I work for Uncle Aaron at Guano Crazy Printing (3 years this month!) and I love my job. I only work 20 hours a week, which started as something I was doing at B&M to fit around your school hours, and then became a regular thing due to my chronic pain. Which currently, is getting worse and something I'm trying my best to deal with. I hope that when you read this (I'm thinking maybe at 18, or when you leave home?) it has miraculously recovered or there has been some wonder cure lol. Who knows? I've been suffering lately with refractory IBS and a lot of general pain and fatigue from what is suspected to be fibromyalgia and hpermobility disorder. Thankfully, I no longer suffer from any chronic menstrual pain after my surgery last year. Yay! I hope you won't suffer too much from that either. Current faves from your Mum: cross-stitching, playing videogames (I'm sure the words Baldur's Gate 3 and Astarion will probably stir some embarrassing recollections in seven years' time), and I'm watching Vampire Diaries for the first time. DOES ELENA END UP WITH DAMON OR STEFAN?! No, don't tell me.

Dad has just celebrated working 5 years at Iress as a mortgage data analyst. Not the most exciting job in the world but he works so hard for us and his work has pretty decent benefits. He currently works with Aunty Lucy and I think they probably chat shit all day tbh. His passion is DMing Dungeons and Dragons, and he's forever working on improving his art and creative writing. Your Dad is the smartest, most creative person I know. You get a lot of it from him. He's also really into American politics right now, which you rightfully take the piss out of him for, but I think he's falling off it after the recent news that fucking Trump will be president again. Like seriously? He's dead now, right? Please tell me he's dead.

In terms of our lives: pretty much the same! We still live in our little house, but I've been trying to do bits here and there to make it feel more homely. Ezio is still here, but very old and I fear not long for this world. Having accidents all the time, sleeping a lot, being deaf, partially blind, and a worrying lump on his leg are my main concerns right now. I just hope he makes it to Christmas. We go on holiday with Nana and Granda every year the moment. So far we've been lucky enough to visit Fuertaventura, Mallorca, and Crete. It is wornderful to see the relationship you have with Cam and Zoey as you all grow older. Major improvment to all our lives: I FINALLY learned how to drive! We have Liara the car-a now and I love, love, love being able to do normal little things like take you to your friends houses, drive to work, or just go grocery shopping. Revolutionary. I've probably been saying it since 2024, but: LEARN TO DRIVE ASAP. It'll make life so much easier.

We're planning to go to Nana and Papa's and spend time with them and Gow next month for Christmas. Looking fourward to it but a little apprehensive about the long drive. I'm sure it'll be fine.

In terms of the world: no positive news to reporut. A second term of Trump in the US, a Palestinian genocide, war in Ukraine and Lebanon, abuse in Congo, rampant misogyny in Pakistan and Iran. Climate crisis. Cost of living crisis. NHS crumbling. It all feels a bit bleak tbh. But at least we got the Tories out of power in the UK? Even if it means we have right wing pleasing Starmer at the helm. The world scares me right now. But I feel like all I can do is have faith in Gen Z and Alpha to turn us around. I fear us older generations have already fucked it for you. But hopefully you've had some semi-decent influential millennials to lead the way.

But aside from all that depressing stuff, let's get on to the most important topic: YOU.

You will be 12 years old in a couple of months. TWELVE. Scary stuff.

You started high school this year and are already doing so well and have made great friends. The current names and faces in the lineup are Kaya, Ruby, Harley, Liam, Emily, Liv, and of course Alessia. Also important to note but TOTALLY embarrassing for you to read is the exciting news that today you told me that you are going out with Rupert!!! And although this might sound super silly, I want you to know something about how I feel today: so AWED and GRATEFUL that you chose to tell me. He's probably a blip on the horizon now at whatever big age you are reading this, but I genuinely felt like today was a big moment! Not because it's happening, but because you felt safe enough to tell us. Like, you don't know how much it means.

Anyway!

You're at an age now where you are SO GROWN UP DUH and it's like woah you're really not a kid anymore! I can't go out and buy you Barbies or science sets or Furbies or lego racing games (btw these are legitimately the Christmas presents I got at your age) cos it's like duh mum we care about skincare and our very strategic hair care routine and dipping our nails to try and make them longer and buying expensive clothes and Victorias Secret haha

Actually, it might be fun to share what your very expensive Christmas list "ideas" are this year:

Ugg trainers (they are UGLY and spoiler alert you're not getting them)

Victorias Secret bombshell perfume

Named Collective hoody which is like rhinestoned thorns? (I actually think this one is v cool but babe it's a £100 hoody)

Snow Fairy body spray

Cherry blossom Pandora charm

Stussy 8 ball hoody (again, it's £130- like, who do you think we are?? I also refuse to get you smth from a company called STUSSY like come tf on)

Prada perfume (PRADA?)

GHD Max straighteners

Hair oil??? (Yeah, cos you need MORE hair?)

Marshmallow Jellycats

Grey Nike low dunks

Victorias Secret pants

In all seriousness, though, we love an organised queen. You know what you want and I actually love it. Reach for the stars girl.

You're currently unenthused by a lot of things: school is "boring", you don't do any extra-curriculars, any clubs outside of school, you don't do art anymore (sad face), and reading has never been your bag. I think a lot of people would judge your Dad and I for not encouraging you to do more things, but tbh we just don't want to force you into doing something you don't wanna do. It's SO normal to not really wanna do much at your age, and you have your WHOLE LIFE to figure out your likes and dislikes. Things you do enjoy doing are hanging out with your friends, playing Roblox (currently Dress to Impress and some kind of horror game that has you squealing on the phone to your friends every night), doing your hair and makeup, and you're also partial to a game of pool if given the opportunity.

Overall, you're a super smart, super beautiful, super kind, super cool person that I'm glad to have in my life. I try my best to give you life lessons, but honestly, you teach me something new and inspire me every day.

I've prattled on enough. It's 3am now. But I'll be sure to check in again soon.

Love you. Make good choices.

Mum xxx

[borderlineangeldisorder]

So catching up with my mental health has also encouraged me to catch up on my physical health. Which in return continues to boost said mental health.

I have borderline personality disorder along with other acronyms such as Adhd Cptsd Ocd Anarexia along with fibromyalgia and the subdivisions of disorders that accompany them ; anxiety depression chronic pain fatigue and a whole other list.

This past year ive gone through more traumatic events due to loving someone who didnt deserve the olive branches they kept burning. But i have learned and i will always be coping with them all.

The happy part is me making the effort to change and Not want to rot away in my room anymore just indulging myself in the pain and misery. Because it loved company and ive been a partner since i turned double digits.

Lack of education from my family even friends our shared ignorance did fuel some of the fires i lit. Like i said ignorance to everything with sex drugs love even what healthy relationships look like due to a history of ignorance and misinformation from my family line; generational curses theyre also known as. Which is for my case so true and it hurts looking back at all i wasnt told about. Especially the warning signs "red flags" to know about. I did not know.

Me being the lover girl i am i did learn the hard way. I became aware of what abuse actually is do to an off chance flier i found at a doctors office. Something in my heart and soul cried out to sneak it home and bury it where my abuser (at the time i wasnt aware that was even the word for them) couldnt find it.

I still remember the way i felt Hope tear up in my eye when i read through the simple 3 page flier. That it confirmed i wasnt crazy like my abuser claimed. That they were hurting me and causing my own mind to be damaged. I learned abuse isnt just being hit ; i learned it was also financially and sexually possible thanks to the words on those pages

There was a checklist going into detail about all those different forms of abuse and when i gained the courage to check off the box it opened my eyes to the truth; that the man who claimed to love me would kill me. Immediately i pushed that realization away repressed it with all the abuse i knew for the past 4 years. It took me another year to finally kick him out and that only worked because i lived with my own parents.

Even still it took me another 4 months and him abducting me holding me against my will to go to the police; nd thats because my parents forced me. I was humiliated and ashamed of loving such a man Of him attacking me abusing me using me and forcing me to do things im still ashamed to admit even here. Ive been in and out of therapy on and off medication for yearssssss and just this past 6 months after processing another traumatic relationship did i wake up one day and pray for strength feeling ashamed the entire time.

I decided to start and write again Even if it was a simple This is what ive done today. Even if it was a single sentence. I wanted to do it for me to get my pent up emotions out before me. I dont reread what i write and i stopped trying to be aesthetic or neat i simple put the pen to paper and let flow whatever comes. It has helped lift the weight of my trauma and loosen the grip ugly thoughts have taken hold of me.

Every day i have to make the choice to not rot and to do something anything. I used to feel this pressure (still do but not to suffocating) that i just had to have everything "together" before i could even enjoy anything at all. Ive learned even doing one thing will encourage my mentality to find one more thing to accomplish.

So far after the past few months (yes months its the most important to force myself still most days but it does get easier and more habitual) of truly trying and putting myself out there Out of my bed ive accomplished

A healthier relationship with food and eating habits

Self care such as simply trimming and filing my nails It encourages me not to rip them apart with my teeth

Showering and bathing more regularly (bubble baths are fun!)

Brushing my hair each morning which is turning into each evening before bed

Brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed which honestly was hard for me to implement because i just want to go to bed

Facial hygiene such as actually removing my makeup before bed and then continuing on to wash my face; this has evolved into applying moisturizer to my face after washing; which has helped encourage me to do am skin care as more moisturizer and sometimes a syrum (i only use one for my pores its a niacinamide syrum and does help me even if its placebo i enjoy it so i dont care) And sunscreen but i do it on sunny days or high iv days (a bit ocd as i have a fear of my face drying and falling off Like trench foot but for dry skin: which i also struggle with) Its become a way to self sooth and helps keep the thoughts at bay that i wont die from the sun)

Speaking of sun i started just simply sitting out in the morning and getting the natural vitamin D only the sun can provide My aim isnt to tan but to help those levels as it does affect my mental health like countless others suffering from SAD. It feels good and i like to cloud watch

Trying to limit my screen time Honestly of course this is Not easy I dont have many friends aside from my sisters who i dont really get to see ; ive deleted netflix hulu I do scroll tiktok but give myself a limit of an hour before bed or its 2am before i can stop myself

Reading reading reading I have the same books for years and still i enjoy the stories It also stimulates my mind my imagination and keeps me off my phone

Listening to music without headphones It helps me stay in the moment and encourages me to clean instead of sitting down and getting sucked into my maldaptive daydreaming Which i did use for years as an escape from my own issues and ignore the reality of what needed to be done Its much more fun to dance around and sing along as i clean or blog here

It seems like a lot and maybe it is But making the decision to change and then actually taking the first move to change myself caused this domino affect of self love self care and continuing on to another change in my life.

Every day theres still the choice i have to make on whether i do something or dont. Some days are harder than others and its extremely important to trust yourself your body and learn the signs on if todays the day to dance around doing the housekeeping or pick up a book and enjoy the sun. Its better to keep it slow and trust yourself instead of accidentally burning yourself out which is discouraging. Im still learning and still lack in other areas I am mentally and Physically chronically ill. I have issues im still working out and it isnt easy

But it is possible and its true when the void says Its up to You. Only You can makr the decision between getting up or staying down. Noone is the same and every one has their own desires dreams goal which is what makes this world beautiful and different and fun between the messes and chaos.

You Can do it even if it feels like you cant

[just-dreaming-marvel]

My Superhero

MAIN MASTERLIST

Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 1,500ish

Summary: You and Steve’s relationship is fairly new, so you haven’t told him everything yet.

Notes: I did a Tony Stark one about chronic illness called Invisible Pain. I wanted to do a Steve Rogers one as well.

Feeling completely well on any given day was a luxury. It never really mattered what medicine, diet, or amount of essential oil you put on, your joints hurt. End of story. Of course, it wasn’t completely random. You had Rheumatoid Arthritis, so there was a reason for it. You just sometimes wished that your arthritis was located in specific joints instead of all of them.

You were currently in your apartment getting ready for your fifth date with none other than Captain America’s, Steve Rogers. He was suppose to pick you up in a little more than an hour and, yet, you still couldn’t get out of your pj’s to shower. Your shoulders were causing you excruciating pain. Trying to take your shirt off was bringing you to tears, each try more unsuccessful than the next. 

You were at a loss of what to do. You had yet to inform Steve about your chronic illness due to past experiences. Every other man you had dated, or tried to, quickly left you in the dust after finding out that you would forever be sick and that it would slowly get worse with age. So you had told yourself that you would tell Steve once you were official, even though there was still a chance of heartbreak even then. You just wanted to enjoy this while it lasted.

Steve was so sweet, kind, and gentle towards you. You two had met after he accidentally walked into you about two months ago on the side walk. This was only your five date in that span of time due to the missions he was constantly being called on. Though, the two of you texted or talked on the phone whenever you could.

You were currently sitting on the edge of your bed, staring at the typed up message just waiting to be sent. At this point, canceling the date was your only option. You couldn’t change and you had already maxed out on drugs for the night. You sighed, a tear strolling down your cheek, as you pressed sent.

You: Hey, Steve :) I’m so sorry to do this to you at such late of notice, but something’s come up and I won’t be able to make it today. Sorry :( Can we reschedule?

It didn’t take long for Steve to respond.

Steve: hey doll :) is everything okay? 

You: Yeah, I’m just not feeling the greatest. But I’ll be fine after some much needed rest. How does next Friday sound?

Steve: Next Friday sounds wonderful. But are you sure you’re okay? Do you need anything? I could come over and we could stay in for the night. Order food and watch one of the movies I’ve yet to catch up on.

This man was too good to you. Almost too perfect. But you were too scared. You didn’t want to lose him just yet. You were enjoying it too much to be hurt already.

You: I’ll be fine, Steve. I just need some rest. You should probably get some too. I’ll talk to you later.

He didn’t respond. You sighed, laying back on your bed, tensing at the pain in your joints. You closed your eyes, trying to will your pain away, to no avail. Apparently, you had slightly fallen asleep because when a few knocks sounded at your door, you jumped up. Immediately regretting it because of the pain that shot through your joints.

Confused, dazed, and in pain, you shuffled over to the door. You didn’t even bother checking the peep hole before opening the door. Your jaw practically dropped to the floor at the sight in front of you. There was Steve, standing there in sweatpants and sweat shirt, your favorite flowers in one hand and two boxes of pizza in the other.

“Steve?” You questioned quietly, willingly yourself to stay put instead of run away embarrassed. You knew you didn’t look your best. “What—what are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you,” he responded with a gentle smile. “Can’t have my best girl feeling unwell now, can I?”

“Steve,” you shook your head, “you really didn’t—“

“Of course I did. Now, are you going to let me in or do I have to let myself in?”

Biting your lip, you opened the door wider, letting him walk in. Steve went straight to the kitchen, setting the pizzas down on the counter. 

“Do you have a vase?” He asked, looking around. “For the flowers?”

“Under the sink,” you responded. “Um… I’m going to change.” You pointed over your shoulder, immediately regretting it and grimacing.

“Y/N, is something wrong?” His concerned eyes raked over you.

“No, nothings wrong. I just need to change. I-I haven’t gotten out of these all day.”

The look in his blue eyes told you all you needed to know, he didn’t believe you. You turned around as quickly as you could. You could feel his eyes following you as you disappeared into your room. You slowly pulled down your pj pants, holding in a cry as you did. Pulling up clean sweats was easier, thankfully. It was the new shirt, you knew would be the killer.

Taking a deep breath, you grabbed the hem of your shirt and tried to pull it over your head. Failing to conceal the whimpered cry that left your lips, you heard Steve’s quick footsteps stop at your door.

“Y/N?” He called outside the door. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah,” you responded, clearly your throat. “I’m fi-fine.”

“Are you sure? Do… do you, uh, need help?”

“No! I’ll be right out.”

Steve didn’t move from his spot outside your bedroom door. In fact, he leaned in, pressing his ear to the door. He could hear you breathing deeply, like you were trying to calm down. Which concerned him. You had told him that you hadn’t been feeling well, but you looked like you were fine. So what was going on? He waited, keeping quiet at your door. 

Inside, you were still trying to get your shirt off. You were riding it up, but you couldn’t get it past your breasts. You let out a louder cry, finally breaking. Steve couldn’t wait any longer, he came in to see you in tears on your bed.

“Oh, doll,” he cooed, heart breaking at the sight of you. He rushed over and sat beside you on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m… I’m so sorry, St-steve,” you cried. “I didn’t want you to find out like this… honestly, I hoped you would never find out.”

“Find out about what?” 

He went to put an arm around you, to pull you into him. But when he put his hand on your shoulder, you winced and let out a small whine. His hand quickly was off your shoulder and the furrow between his brows increased.

“Y/N? What’s going on?”

“I… I… I’m sick.”

“Like, with the flu? Or… or worse?”

“I guess, you could say, something in between.” You looked at Steve to see him intently listening. “I… I have arthritis. Rheumatoid Arthritis. It’s where, well… my body is attacking its own tissue and joints. Even… even my internal organs. As I age, it will slowly get worse. Possible bone erosion and joint deformity… It’s painful, but I’ve been able to manage it. I still have good days and bad. Today… today’s—“

“A bad day. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because all the other guys I’ve dated have left me after finding out. I… I like what we have. And I don’t want to lose it. But… but I’ll understand if this is too much for you.” You looked down at the hands resting in your lap. “It is for everyone else.”

“Y/N… can you look at me, doll?” He carefully guided your head back up. “I am so extremely sorry that others have been so stupid. They obviously don’t know what they’re missing out on. And I guess that makes me lucky, cause now I get to know you and get to fall in love with you.”

“You’re… you’re falling in love with me?”

Steve nodded. “Yes. And I would like the opportunity to keep doing so, if you’ll have me?”

“Of course. Will you… will— you still want to date me?”

“The fact that you go through life every day, trying your hardest and pushing yourself, even though you don’t have to. That only makes me fall more in love with you.” He gently cupped your cheek. “You’re a real superhero.”

You giggled. “No, I’m just—“

“My superhero. You’re my superhero.” He pressed a short kiss to your lips. “Thank you,” he whispered, “for telling me. Please know that you don’t have to hide from me. I really don’t want you to. I want to help you in any way I can.”

“Thank you, Steve.” 

He gave you another kiss. “Now, how about we eat the probably cold pizza and watch anything you want?”

“I’d like that.”

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but I would like to remind people that everyone who has it suffers from it differently. This story is based off of my own personal pain and struggles. I go through most days pushing through the pain that is constantly there without most people realizing. And I know that I’m not the only one.

Remember, everyone is going through unseen challenges. Please be kind to everyone you interact with/come across. 

Comments, likes, reblogs, and asks are always welcome!

[billiedeanhwrd]

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Statutory Sick Pay

So this is my life now:

I have a condition whose symptoms are aggravated by stress, among other things

I have been signed off work until I can liaise with Occupational Health and figure out what kinds of hours I can actually do. Until then, I am entitled to Statutory Sick Pay for up to 28 weeks

Last month, got SSP just fine. This month? Just under £40. This, according to the SSP calculator I looked at, is dead fucking wrong

I had some money set aside so not going to starve but had to do some immediate financial juggling, which thankfully went fairly well

On Monday, I do a phone appointment with my GP to get my sick note extended until at least a little while after my appointment with the OH doctor a week later. When I send that, I have to figure out how to ask what happened to my SSP and who I talk to about getting what I’m owed

See point 1 - I’m already stressed, bored, and in constant pain without this bullshit. Now I’m just clinging to the fact that I’m doing all the right things to clear up this fuck-up and trying not to scream

This on top of the following:

Heating element on the main part of my boiler is dead, so I’m having to switch the day boost (which is on a separate tank) on just to get hot water for a shower and it’s honestly just easier to boil a kettle for decent hot dishwater

This means my stepfather’s still in and out of the place, checking on the shitty leaky plumbing and figuring out the problem with the heating element and telling me he’ll “get around to replacing it”. Yeaaaaaaaah, wish he’d give me a damn time frame on that

More medical tests upcoming, just to check on my bones. Yay. I swear, the sooner they finally give up and call it fibromyalgia just so we’ve got something to call it, the better. Sure, it’s a diagnosis that causes its own problems because there’s not exactly a cure or even a treatment for it, but at least it’ll be something to write down on forms if I need disability benefits (which I will look into as soon as my diagnosis is more solidified but even then I’m not holding out hope because if they won’t give disability benefits to people undergoing chemotherapy because “you can still work” - apparently, when someone’s dumping poison into your system to kill out-of-control cells - chronic pain’s one you’re apparently supposed to just suck up. But I can damn well try)

Again, bored out of my mind and fed up with the house but every time I leave the damn house, if I have to walk any reasonable distance, I come home in agony

I don’t know how I’m going to keep this up. Right now, all I can do is keep doing the right things - get my work hours sorted so I can actually work and earn money and feel productive while not outright torturing myself, see what entitlements I have in terms of our increasingly frayed social safety net, work out pain management strategies, and count the blessings I have. Sure, most of my emotional support network is a long way away, but I prefer virtual hugs anyway, not being a particularly tactile person.

I’ll be okay, and I’ve been worse. Just today was yet another one of those moments when I wonder why I have the shitty luck with jobs that end up screwing me, y’know? But I’ll get it sorted. I’m clever, and I am a secretary, and that means that sorting out bureaucratic messes is almost literally a way of life for me - knowing who to call, what to say, and how to frame the questions so that the person on the other end actually wants to help me. Just wish I didn’t have to do it outside the workplace so often.

[artoflifehealingarts]

Two times in my life I was clinically dead . Spent a week in ICU and therapy etc..but I also knew it was not my time.

Weird but true.

They say that gives us knowledge though ..that the experience has infinite value and I must say. ..

Yes.

Very much so

I decided to work only with End of Life and Terminal illness /Chronic Pain beautiful souls because after much hoping well

There is no cure for what I have so I had to find the ecstasy in the agony and learn to not suffer for that would be silly. This be My Life!

When I go to Drs they are always eager to hear about what I am doing and how many would be laid out in bed 24/7 and yet I walk 6 miles 2 or 3 times a day ..dance by myself and meditate do tai chi and Live.

My way.

But live. Many heating pads and every morning dry heaves ..tons of fun stuff.

But...

Live

When I offered Vama Marga Tantra I offered that tantric moment suspended in the deafening silence and in 90 minutes I would get even a newbie there. But it was NOT sex haha. It was mantras, breath, egyptian energy manipulation and very different.

There was so much disinformation about the fact that there are many types of tantra and that tantra is not sex that I have explained. .it was not my choice to battle the rude distraction of such an ancient path just for the sake of sex sells sales.

Now I offer peace and guidance to people like myself.

Much easier for me because I can resonate. And in the shamanic I am not one that believes all plant medicine is good for all people. And what good is tripping and using psychedelics if you are not going to integrate it into your life and community?

With all the ayahuasca people have done the world should be fixed by now. . . Just sayin'(?!)

I was not going to spend my time battling disinformation again so I just work with those climbing the mountain of life enjoying the journey on our way home.

I teach online. So no need to battle disinformation every day.

Anyway just a little update in the transition this year to Shamanic but only with those groups. There are enough people on this planet to help, pay it forward and do something. It is our duty actually.

If each individual did something and payed it forward ...7.6 billion people doing something for this world

Ahhhhhhh the beauty would be blinding.

In my case I found that my pain was the Gift.

May you find all your gifts and not leave them unopened at your door.

Shakti

www shaktidurgahealingarts.com

If local do feel free to reach out

Online

Meditation therapy

I am a meditation master of over 20 years

I can get ADD ADHD suffering souls to meditate

Don't say you can't till you have seen me 🙏

Online meditation therapy

Shamanic breath journeys

And classes

In person Hawaiian Lomi Lomi mixed with Lakota laying of hands

And all else

Healing space is an hour or so north of Orlando

Stay blessed and make today epic then let it go

Like life!

[work-life-harmony]

Harmony Journal/Blog Posts

9/8/21

“I Stress, Eustress, We All Stress”

It is two days past my 42nd birthday and the eve before the start of another school year.  And I anticipate it is going to be a year like no other.  There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty that I am feeling at the moment.  Personally, I am in the thick of things trying to raise my twelve year-old daughter and blend ourselves with my fiancee and her two children.  It has not been easy.  My daughter has dealt with anxiety ever since she was little.  Her mom passed away two months after her second birthday and it’s hard to know whether her personality has been shaped in part because of the void my wife’s passing created.  Now that she is entering adolescence, a certain alchemy of anxiety, anger, and depression has yielded some chaos in our household.

That the pandemic happened to coincide with the time in her life where she is feeling the hardest is unfortunate.  Did the lockdown and disruption to our lives exacerbate her feelings of anxiety and anger?  It’s probably a safe bet that it did.  So that has been a major area of concern and frustration for me.

On the professional side of things, although last year was difficult for many teachers, and I certainly had my frustrations, I was in a fairly good place mentally.  There were some aspects to the school year that I actually found novel and enjoyed, such as the ability to sleep later, roll out of bed and teach from my kitchen table.  Conversely, the new routine allowed me to develop some habits that were not healthy, including daily rituals such as making and drinking light and sweet coffee and having a serving or two of ice cream nightly between dinner and bed.  Furthermore, I seemed to become a slave to my phone.  Although I’ve had the willpower to delete apps such as Facebook off of my phone in the past, the last few years I became addicted to the news...and Instagram...and checking my email.  One concerning consequence of the pandemic is that I’ve lost my concentration stamina.  If I start something, particularly work related, it only takes a few minutes before I feel compelled to get up and do something else, even just for a half minute.  Of course this breaks my rhythm of work and I’m unable to achieve any kind of flow.  And, worse, sometimes I find that I mean to do something, such as check the weather, but when I open up a tab to do it, I have completely lost what I meant to do when I opened the tab.  Scary!

With the start of the new school year, I intend to turn over a new leaf so to speak by approaching different aspects of my professional and personal life with an eye towards my well-being: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  The forthcoming journal entries will chronicle the conscious changes that I am making in order to foster more harmony in my life and a stronger sense of well-being.  Part of that will be my investment in activities that help me achieve a sense of flow, including but not limited to music, reading, and immersing myself in nature.

9/16/21

“Time In a Bottle”

As the school year has started, the typical looseness of my summer days has come to an abrupt end.  However, there are some benefits to the structure of my school days.  My body has started to adjust to my new routine, and although the school day seems to necessitate a routine, there are conscious choices that I’m making to build a healthy daily schedule.  I am up at 5:30 on weekday mornings and in bed reading by 10 pm, a major shift from previous school years in which I would stay up until 11 or later watching television before hopping in bed to fall asleep.  Although I’m still adjusting to this new routine (as the school year is still young), I am recognizing an easier relationship with waking up in the morning.  As noted in the course, avoiding screens before bedtime contributes to a better sleep and I am finding that I am waking up more rested and ready to meet the day.  

An interesting stressor at the start of the school year, before my body has fully adopted the new schedule, is my anxiety that I will somehow miss my morning alarm.  I’m the first one in the house who is up in the morning, and no one is coming to wake me in time for my early day if my alarm fails me.  Thus, the first week (or two) of the school year leave me sleeping lightly and somewhat anxiously.  I continue to add measures into my routine, such as meditation and muscle relaxation practices to help ease my mind.  Additionally, I have quieted my mind before falling asleep by acknowledging the things that I am grateful for.  This will be touched upon in more depth in a forthcoming journal entry, but there is tremendous value in gratitude.  Lori Santos, a renowned professor at Yale University who teaches the highly sought course “The Science of Well-Being,” acknowledged in an article for Newsweek Magazine, “Grateful people tend to be happier and show lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Health care workers who keep a gratitude journal show reductions in stress and depression. And people suffering from chronic pain who practice gratitude show improvements in both sleep quality and mood” (Santos). It has become an important strategy for me to ease the chronic stress and anxiety of life which gets exacerbated at the start of a new school year.  

With each day, it does become easier to sleep peacefully and I suspect that soon my eyes will open a minute before my alarm rings.  I am also pleased to report that rising before the sun comes up has been easier than in years past.  Typically, trying to get out of bed in the dark has always been difficult and miserable.  Of course, it may return to misery as winter sets in and leaving a warm bed is a shock to the system, but for now I am happy to report that the newly adopted schedule for this school year is working well.  

On a more professional side of things, I have been working on my planning as it regards daily obligations.  For instance, the adoption of daily to-do lists has helped me to stay better focused on items that need attention; efficient about tending to, and completing, those items; and avoid being frazzled like I have been in the past because the ideas bounce around my brain but have not been concrete since they aren’t visibly posted somewhere.  The morning ritual of composing a daily to-do list has really been beneficial for me.  An example of items that I’ve included on lists include: grade seven essays today, photocopy “Heroes” article, email Nina’s guidance counselor, drop two books in Mari’s mailbox, hit the supermarket with grocery list, and call the car dealership.  Furthermore, I’ve been diligent about staying on top of the “house calendar” to not only make sure that all family events are noted on the calendar, but also to consult the calendar every day as part of my daily routine to see what obligations members of the household have that day and in the near future.  This is an indispensable part of our lives and internal harmony.  For instance, my daughter’s “picture day” is tomorrow.  Since it is listed on the calendar, we can save ourselves stress and frustration by potentially being caught off guard that pictures are being taken tomorrow.  Heaven forbid my daughter arrive at school with no inkling that it is picture day, likely exacerbating her stress/anxiety because she feels unprepared.  These measures have been part of my process for winning back time and peace of mind.  

With that in mind, it is going to be a school long objective to work on organization skills with my students.  In particular, I have two sections of remedial sophomore English classes.  A good percentage of these students have IEPS or other individualized plans to help them be successful in their high school classes.  It is not uncommon to see a personalized modification that revolves around breaking down big concepts and keeping them on task.  For this reason, we’ve established a routine of taking out binders/notebooks at the start of every class period.  They need reminders, but it is with the purpose of establishing healthy and productive habits that they can carry with them for a lifetime.

9-19-21

“Love May Know No Bounds, But a Teacher Better Set Some”

The financial wizard Warren Buffet has been quoted, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."  While there’s probably a bit of overstatement to Buffet’s claim, one can’t deny that from an “American Dream” point of view that he is considered a success.  Thus, there must be some truth behind his words which reinforce the Module 3 concept of boundary-setting.  With the rise of technology, be it e-mail or Google classroom, students have greater accessibility to their teachers.  In fact, everyone has greater accessibility to teachers.  Compounded by the fact that part of last year was taught remotely, the boundaries of the school day almost ceased to exist.  Fortunately, the summer has been a quiet time to turn away from professional demands, but with the new school year upon us,  I feel it is going to be important to counter the feeling of always being tied to work.  For this reason, boundary-setting is going to be a priority for me.  My first concern is to establish that I will not be addressing professional inquiries/issues on weekends or days off.  Of course, this will be somewhat of a test at the start of the school year because I’m also conscious of the anxiety that arises when my inbox fills up with issues that need attention.  But branching off of the time-management piece of the puzzle, I hope to create effective solutions in my approach to time and boundaries.

When I started my career as a teacher, I recall a colleague noting that teaching is a twelve month job condensed down to ten months.  Thus, the school day doesn’t truly end with the last bell.  There is much to get done between planning, grading, and tending to all of the extra aspects of teaching.  Even as a veteran teacher, it is virtually impossible to complete all of my professional needs during school hours.  In fact, the demands of being a school teacher may feel endless at times.  This is why it is so important to set boundaries.  Granted, when you have children of your own, as I do, priorities tend to shift.  But, even so, most caring teachers yearn to give 110% to their schools and students.  The phrase that comes to mind when that happens is “slave to your work.”  This is a recipe for stress and potential unhappiness, so it becomes incumbent upon teachers to set boundaries and strike a balance between personal and professional life.  This school year, I feel I’ve done a nice job of making my nights and weekends sacred.  I use my time at school effectively and efficiently, shying away from distractions that keep me from being as productive as possible during school hours.  I have even established practices with classes that have helped in this regard.  For instance, I have designated Friday as an independent reading day for my basic skills classes.  While this is productive for them because it creates an environment that they can do sustained reading of literature that they choose, it also affords me time to catch up on grading and plan for the following week (which would otherwise be happening during my weekend).  The items that I am not able to get to during the school day are addressed during my time at home, but I believe that I am approaching it in a more thoughtful way.  On weekend mornings, I’ve been waking up early as my body adjusts to my 5:30 wakeup routine during the week.  So when I’m up for an hour before the rest of the house, I can attack the items that I didn’t get to during the week.  Needless to say, my approach this year has left me feeling a better sense of control over my professional duties.

9-22-21

“Shake It Off” 

Several years ago the topic du jour in school districts across the country was resilience or grit.  This was pre-pandemic.  As a concept, it hasn’t gotten the same attention as of late, but that does not undercut the importance of resilience and the tools we need to develop in order to persevere.  As noted in Module 3, a growth mindset plus stamina equals achievement.   As part of my journey to better living, particularly during the stressful pandemic, I have landed on, and dedicated myself to, several areas which follow:

Developing habits of self care and compassion for others

As we went into lockdown and found ourselves somewhat trapped in our homes, particularly during the fall and winter, it was easy to lose the habits of self-care that had been so natural in our daily lives.  I have consciously made an effort to develop better habits of self care since taking this course.  Namely, my diet and sleep have been areas of focus.  My daily diet looks something like:

-Greek yogurt with granola and fresh berries for breakfast

-A greens, apple, avocado, grilled chicken and blue cheese salad for lunch

-Apple slices, banana, flavored almonds, and/or pretzel & hummus for an afternoon snack

-Dinner varies, but is typically home-cooked and avoids red meat

Prior to this conscious change, I had no real dietary routine and I recognized the impact it was having on me physically and mentally.  I was leaning hard into sugar and caffeine; beyond the damage it was doing to my body, it was adversely affecting my sleep habits.  Now, however, committed to taking better care of myself, I am cognizant of the synergistic benefits of self-care, especially when times are tough.  

Another area of focus, and one often taken for granted in our well-being, is the power of authentic socializing with others.  While I was lucky to have a full house made up of my fiancee and our three kids which helped me not feel starved for close, authentic social interaction, I still was not feeling completely edified.  Making sure to nurture my relationships, especially with students and colleagues, brings a greater sense of gratification from meaningful interaction.  For instance, last school year, I noticed that one aspect of my school day that was glaringly absent was laughter.  Whether it stems from banter with colleagues or the shenanigans that carry on with a loose and happy classroom of students, last year punctuated how important laughter is on the psyche.  In fact, a line from one of my favorite novels, Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, emphasizes the deep importance of laughter when the protagonist, McMurphy, remarks, “Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.”  While social distancing may have made us inclined to shrink away from people, so much has been lost by cocooning ourselves.  A tremendous part of our mental health is the release we get when laughing.  I have reinvested in that and it has led to the next area of well-being and resilience:

Building a network of positivity

As an extension of that investment into relationships is the support system of those who help to buoy me.  While we know that misery often loves company, we should also recognize that happiness is augmented through company as well.  One of the better pieces of wisdom that I ever found from a fortune cookie fortune was “Joy shared is doubled; grief shared is halved.”  (Does one need to create an APA citation for fortune cookies?  Ha!)  We certainly are better off building a mindset of positivity.  It can be infectious.  And although as the school year neared I was having grim thoughts about what was in store for us, my network of people which includes friends, colleagues, and even students have helped me navigate to a place of harmony.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and our brains can be unkind and counterproductive. And sometimes we lose our way which also takes a toll on our sense of being.  That’s why anyone will be better off:

Finding Purpose

Yesterday, I was catching up with my best friend from childhood.  I asked how his mother was doing since she retired three years ago from her position as an anesthesiologist.  My friend’s response was, “She’s deteriorating.”  Granted, this is a woman in her 70s, and time can be cruel.  (My fiancee told me last night that she saw a shirt for sale online that said, “My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.”) But the real point of my friend’s words is that once she lost her daily purpose of getting up at 5:30 and doing meaningful work, she became aimless and lost the person that she had been for most of her lifetime.  

Finding purpose is an important element to the senior curriculum I teach as the literature we read in my ELA class forces us to confront the universal themes of purpose and identity.  So much of self-understanding and drive derives from the things that we do.  

Perhaps the best figure to explore the value of purpose is the mythological figure of Sisyphus.  You may know him as the guy who rolls the rock up the hill.  That’s his identity, because that’s what he does.  He is suffering eternal punishment for angering the gods, and they have determined that there is nothing worse than this act of futility.  When Sisyphus completes his task and gets the rock to the top of the mountain, it just rolls back to the other side and he has to collect the rock again and repeat.  Ad nauseum.   However, the French absurdist writer Albert Camus examines Sisyphus as a representation of the everyman.  We all roll our metaphorical rocks only to watch those acts be undone.  We make our beds in the morning.  Wash our dishes.  Mow the lawn.  Go to work.  Day after day after day.  And ultimately, we suffer for no greater good.  However, Camus acknowledges that Sisyphus overcomes his torment if he has his own purpose to the seemingly futile act.  When he steps up to the rock with his own personal motivation, or purpose, then it’s not a punishment.  That’s the value of purpose.  

Fortunately, the profession of education naturally provides purpose as we invest in our students.  And beyond that, I have invested in music and relationships.   These areas of my life have certainly been instrumental in creating a sense of direction and happiness. 

Finally, I believe in:

Continuing to learn, experiment, and grow

Recently, a colleague noted how much she loved being a student and learning.  She pointed out that if she could be a student for the rest of her life, she would do it in a heartbeat.  I feel somewhat similar.  And one of the best aspects of being in the world of education is that I’m consistently being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking that have satisfied an aspect of my personality that yearns for knowledge.  

When the world came to a screeching halt in the spring of 2020, eager to quench my desire to improve my knowledge and skills, I found just what I was looking for online.  After some searches for guitar instruction on the internet, I stumbled upon a fellow with a channel on youtube that has been somewhat life-changing.  His avuncular disposition and clear explanation of guitar theory has helped me to become a better guitarist and feel a newfound confidence in my playing.  Upon reflection, I’m happy that I dedicated myself to improving my skills because it has paid great dividends and underscores the value of knowledge, experimentation and growth.

I feel lucky that a few of the ideas noted above are organically interwoven into the life of an English literature teacher.  

9-26-21

“The smell of gratitude” - Sensory Awareness, Attitude and Thankfulness

Yesterday, I stepped outside in the morning and immediately recognized that it was a glorious day.  An early morning autumn chill was in the air (my favorite time of year), and the sun dappled the earth through its magnificent golden rays.  Shortly after breakfast, the family hopped in the car and headed north to Warwick, NY.  When we reached our destination, my fiancee and the kids hopped out and spent an hour on an alpaca farm while I drove into Sugar Loaf, the neighboring hippie town.  There, I walked along the main drag in the middle of town and basked in the sunshine between dropping into the different stores.  After picking the family up, we drove back into town and had a delicious lunch before heading home mostly along back roads that traced the shore of a lake that crosses the boundary between NY and NJ.  It was sensational; the only thing that could have made it better is if the foliage had started to turn.  

Days and moments experienced, like yesterday’s outing, force me to return to the lyrics of Neil Peart whose words echo from his band, Rush’s, wonderful song “Time Stand Still”:

Freeze this moment

A little bit longer

Make each sensation

A little bit stronger

Experience slips away...

Experience slips away...

Time stand still

Of course, time doesn’t stand still, so it becomes necessary for us to savor the big and little moments of our lives.  Akin to the Scottish poet Robert Burns’ remark in his poem, “To a Mouse”:

 I backward cast my e’e,

       On prospects drear!

An�� forward tho’ I canna see,

       I guess an’ fear!

We are so busy worrying about our past and futures that we forget to live in the present.  With this in mind, I’ve been practicing the art of savoring.  Right now, as I write, there is the wonderful aroma of pumpkin muffins in the air.  This morning, I relished the hot water pouring down when I took a shower.  And even though I’m allergic to animals, I still felt and savored the buttery softness of the teddy bears made with alpaca fur that the kids got when they were at the farm.  

There are many areas of our lives to be more present and “tune into” in order to achieve a deeper appreciation for the present moment and increase our happiness and well-being.  And, following the advice from the Harmony course to spend time in nature, I find this to be the best time of year to do such a thing.  Thus, I have been spending extra time outdoors, smelling the autumnal air and savoring the beauty of the natural world.  Fortunately, I’ve had the pleasure of teaching Romantic writers whose ideology turned away from the harsh, cold logic of the Age of Reason and towards the wonders of the natural world and the emotions of humankind.  Several poems I teach underscore the value of nature; perhaps no poet celebrates the natural world more than William Wordsworth.  He characterizes the peace found in nature when he says in “Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey:

how oft—

In darkness and amid the many shapes

Of joyless daylight; when the fretful stir

Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,

Have hung upon the beatings of my heart—

How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee,

O sylvan Wye! thou wanderer thro' the woods,

         How often has my spirit turned to thee!

I, too, have looked to nature, both literally and figuratively, to counterbalance the “fever of the world.”  I will continue to do so, especially on these glorious autumn days.  And in times when I cannot be out in nature, my spirit can still turn to it and find some internal peace with recollections of how sublime Mother Nature can be. 

9-29-21

Crisis - “A season to build resiliency”

The subheading to this journal entry comes from an Edutopia article written by Jessica Cabeen, “How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions.”  It’s certainly an optimistic mindset in relation to times of struggle or outright crises.  Entering my seventeenth year in education, I could never have predicted what the state of education was going to be over the past few years if I had never lived it.  If we are to understand “crises” as events that cause us to change our routines and threaten our safety, the pandemic certainly fits the bill. 

I’ve had a few other crises since becoming a teacher.  The most recent one was a crisis wrought and then averted by Mother Nature right as this school year was beginning.  When Hurricane Ida swept up the eastern coast of the US, those of us in the metropolitan area had no real warning about the amount of water that the storm was going to dump on us.  At around 8:30 pm, I went into my basement to see streams of water pouring through the basement walls soaking the basement floor as the sump pump struggled to keep up with the quickly rising water table.  Ten years prior, I had a similar experience with Hurricane Irene.  (It dawns on me now that I must really take note when a Hurricane named after the letter I bears down on me that I need to be alert.)  The morning after Irene, I woke up to the items in my basement floating around like they were in a bathtub.  With Ida, I made a mad dash to remove the items from the basement that I could and tried to shift my thinking of helplessness to acceptance.  

You can’t fight Mother Nature.  Thus, I took solace in knowing that I salvaged the things that I could and to not fret about the things that I couldn’t control.  This is perhaps a difficult thing to do, especially in a situation like this as we are naturally conditioned to protect our abodes.  But the mindset is vital part of our wellbeing.  One of the moments from the course on Harmony that really resonated with me was the transference of anxious energy into positive energy.  Rather than feel confined by the heightened energy of anxiety, simply telling yourself “I’m excited” can have a real positive effect.  Certainly, saying “I’m excited” about a hurricane is a ludicrous connection, but attempts to assuage the mind can bear fruit.  In the middle of the madness as Ida was wreaking havoc across NJ, I made a conscious attempt to soothe myself and accept what the fallout was going to be.

From there we are able to learn and grow, and our resilience is definitely tested.  Although we may struggle and even suffer, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from our experiences.  Additionally, when we go through our own trials, we become empathetic.

Given the extreme negative impacts that trauma can have on individuals, especially young people, crises take on a more serious consideration because it’s not just the present crisis that needs attention; the ramifications for the long-term also need to be addressed.  Sometimes checking in is an important step to help others.  For that reason, I spent a couple of class periods talking candidly with my students about their feelings regarding the pandemic.  Not only was it eye-opening, it was also greatly appreciated by my students.  Quite a few students remarked that none of their teachers bothered to check in with them.  They carried on with business as usual, even though the students had bigger things on their minds than math or chemistry or history.  Since then, and with the endorsement of the Harmony course, I have made it a priority to emphasize and invest in the human connection with my students and the other people in my orbit.  

Although the course emphasized a distinction in the connotations of balance and harmony, I do believe that a conscious balancing of different aspects of my routines and choices has led to a more harmonious life.  The school year is off to a great start...a better start than I had hoped.  And, ultimately, I feel a stronger sense of well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cited Sources:

Burns, Robert. “To a Mouse.” Poets.org, https://poets.org/poem/mouse. 

Cabeen, J., 2021. How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions. [online] Edutopia. Available at: 

<https://www.edutopia.org/article/how-school-leaders-can-frame-tough-decisions> [Accessed 29 

September 2021].

Gilbert, D. (2021). Stumbling on Happiness: Think You Know What Makes You Happy? 

Alfred A. Knopf.

Kesey, K. (1672). Ken Kesey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Mass Market 

Paperback); 1989 Edition. Ken Kesey.

Rush. “Time Stand Still.” Peter Collins, The Manor, Oxfordshire, 1987. 

Santos, L. (2020, December 22). Laurie Santos, Yale Happiness Professor, on 5 things that will 

make you happier. Newsweek. Retrieved September 16, 2021, from

https://www.newsweek.com/2021/01/08/laurie-santos-yale-happiness-professor-5-thing

-that-will-make-you-happier-1556182.html. 

Wordsworth, William. “Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey, on Revisiting the 

Banks of the Wye During a Tour, July 13, 1798.” Poets.org, 

https://poets.org/poem/lines-composed-few-miles-above-tintern-abbey-revisiting-banks-

wye-during-tour-july-13-1798. 

[punksarahreese]

“Shh, it’s ok. I know it hurts.” for chronic pain prompt ❤️

Hehe <3

CW: pain induced panic, surgery talk, vomiting mention, opioid mention

***

"What’s on the agenda for today, Doctor Bekker?" Connor’s voice was annoyingly chipper for it being six in the morning, and Ava told him so before answering his question.

"CABG on a 64 year old with coronary artery disease, check up on my ICU patients, and a routine pacemaker battery replacement."

"Busy," he nodded, "You’re here early and you don’t have a little psych resident shadow; where’s Reese?"

"She’s not my shadow," Ava rolled her eyes, "Off today, but knowing her she’s still doing case work from home."

"Kid’s dedicated, I’ll give her that."

Ava didn’t have a chance to reply before Connor’s pager went off, calling him down to the ED. He was disappearing down the hallway in seconds, gone without a farewell. Not that Ava really cared; she did have things to do that were a lot easier when Connor wasn’t hovering.

Forty minutes later she was in the ER, grafting a coronary artery with a vessel from the patient’s leg. CABG surgeries were easy, all muscle memory at that point. It was almost soothing to Ava, a repetitive process that let her focus on familiarity. The fellow she was supposed to be mentoring was barely helping, not that she really minded; but it was something to mention to Latham if he didn’t step up his work ethic.

"Doctor Bekker," a scrub nurse had picked up Ava’s phone when it went off, "Text from Doctor Reese."

Ava glanced back at her, "If it was urgent she would call, just leave it for now." Sarah knew she had surgeries that day and wouldn’t mind a late reply. She nodded and let Ava get back to her job, the surgeon falling back into the rhythm of familiarity she had between her and the instruments.

"3-0 prolene," she was just about to close the pericardium, getting ready to finish the surgery now that her graft was working well. That’s when her phone rang, the nurse once again saying it was Sarah.

"Alright, bring it here," Ava let her answer the call and put the phone up to her ear, "Hello?"

The strained voice that answered made Ava’s heart drop, "A-Ava..."

"Sarah?" She didn’t want to say anything to hint to the people in the room that there was anything wrong, though her brain was immediately running through every worst case scenario.

"I... I’m s-sorry... to bug you."

"Don’t be ridiculous," Ava’s tone was way softer than her words, "What’s up?"

"Hurts-" a rough breath cut her off, the squeak that proceeded it making Ava wince. She hated hearing Sarah in this much pain, knowing it must be really bad if she was openly admitting to it.

"What does?"

"C-chest. Can’t... stop it."

"Sarah," Ava could feel her own heart rate pick up as she still jumped to the worst conclusion, "Do you need to come here?"

A long pause was followed by a forced, "No."

"What do you need?"

"I-," Sarah was clearly crying, whether it be out of pain or frustration, "You- please, Ava."

"Can you wait thirty minutes? I’ll need to scrub out and drive there."

"Y-yeah. I’m okay."

Ava didn’t believe that, especially not with the stifled sob that had preceded Sarah’s claim, "Okay, I’m going to hang up now; I’ll be there as soon as I can."

"‘Kay..."

She gestured for the nurse to hang up the call, thanking her. Ava shook her head when she asked what was wrong, everyone in the room clearly curious.

"Doctor Reese is just having some car trouble, I need to go pick her up," she lied smoothly, "Doctor Maxwell, you’ll close."

The fellow looked at her in alarm, clearly not expecting anything of the sort. He began to protest but Ava stopped him, holding out the forceps with a pointed look.

"When I was in your year I would jump at any chance to do a surgery. You should be honoured that I trust you to finish this one. You know how to close a sternotomy, Maxwell; you’ve done it before."

He sighed and let her pass the suture needle, looking at Ava with worry. She promised him he would do just fine, insisting that there were enough people around to make sure he did well. This was surgical resident work, he could do it.

After that, Ava quickly stepped away from the operating table and half-rushed to the scrub room. She didn’t want to worry anyone by being too hasty but she herself was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She ripped off her gloves, tossing them into the biohazard waste with her gown before going to wash her hands. It took all her willpower to avoid breaking the bar of soap out of anxiety, frustrated that her girlfriend was in pain and she wasn’t there to help.

By the time she had scrubbed out and shoved her scrub cap into her pocket, a nurse had brought her phone out to her and asked if everything was alright.

"Just fine," she replied without hesitation, "Don’t want to leave Doctor Reese waiting, it’s cold out and her car’s heater stopped working."

It was obvious that the other woman didn’t believe Ava but she knew better than to press the matter. She let Ava leave, going back to scrub so she could help Doctor Maxwell finish the surgery.

Ava made it down to the ED in record time, stopping only to grab her bag and coat from her locker. She found Connor near the nurses station, going over a chart with Natalie.

“Connor, I need a favour.”

He looked up at Ava’s voice, immediately confused because she had reverted back to her no-nonsense attitude but was unable to keep the worry off her face. The surgeon passed his tablet to Nat, saying he would be back before leading Ava off to a quieter part of the ED. It was clear in her body language that she was stressed, her shoulders tense and hands shaking slightly.

“What’s wrong?”

Ava shook her head, “Personal issue, I’ve got it. Can you cover my post-ops? And the pacemaker surgery, I left Maxwell to close my CABG but I’m afraid he doesn’t have enough brain cells to do my rounds properly.”

“Ava,” Connor tried to grab her wrist to keep her attention, “Is it Reese?”

She sighed, hesitating, “Yes. Do you have this or do I need to ask Latham?”

“I’ve got it,” he replied immediately, “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. I need to go, Connor.”

With that she turned to leave, barely remembering to thank him for covering for her. Her brain was running on sheer anxiety at that point, hoping Sarah was okay. She didn’t want this to be a bad pain flare because her girlfriend didn’t deserve that. Still, a part of her was hoping that’s all it was; scared at what the alternative could be.

She made it to their apartment way quicker than she should have, very thankful she did not get pulled over. She knew better than to speed but her only thought at the time was that she needed to get to Sarah.

“Sarah?”

A barely audible sound came from their bedroom, making Ava drop her bag at the door and head in that direction. She wasn’t sure what she expected to find, but somehow she was completely unprepared for the sight. Sarah was slumped on the floor, head resting against the wall as she curled into herself. Her hands were pressed against her upper chest, as if that was somehow helping ease the severe pain she was experiencing. The strain on her body was evident, her curls were an unruly mess and eyes bloodshot from crying, reddened cheeks streaked with tears as she looked up at Ava with a pitiful look.

“I-I’m s...sorry.”

“Hey,” Ava was on the floor with her in an instant, “Do not apologize, Sarah. I’m always here for you.”

“I just-“ another shooting pain had her crying out, “C-can’t...”

“I know, I know,” Ava soothed as she wiped a stray tear off Sarah’s cheek, “Is it normal chest pain or do you need to go to the ED?”

Ava hated that, that she had become so accustomed to chest pain where people had to ask. The normal amount of pain should be zero but for her girlfriend it was always there, lurking and waiting to make things worse.

“N-normal... costo. B-bad.”

“Okay,” Ava was a bit reassured that it was rib pain and not heart related, “How bad, love?”

Sarah’s breathing was shallow as she tried to respond, shaking her head when she couldn’t get the words out. She reached out for Ava, looking at her with a mix of pain and frustration.

Ava was there in a heartbeat, drawing her into her arms as gently as possible. She leaned against the wall to support them, letting Sarah adjust herself and decide how much contact she wanted. She didn’t hesitate to press into her girlfriend’s body, arms wrapping around her neck as she hid her face in her shoulder. She was clearly seeking comfort in the only way she could at that point, needing Ava because nothing else was helping.

“Did you take your painkillers?” Sarah had a prescription for tramadol for this kind of episode but she had a habit of not taking them even if she needed them. She didn’t want to become dependent on opioids, so she found herself saying that she would save them for a worse day. Even if she was having the worst pain flare of her life, Sarah was hesitant to medicate. Ava understood that, but she also knew that it would help immensely in this case.

“T-tried...” Sarah wheezed, “T-threw up... couldn’t... too m-much pain.”

“Okay,” Ava nodded as she smoothed down Sarah’s hair, “We can try again later. Can you take a breath for me, darling?”

Sarah looked up at her with teary eyes, trying to do as she was told and breathe evenly. It only make things worse though, the deep breath causing her chest to clench painfully. It made her cry in frustration, just wanting to be able to calm down so she could sleep. She wanted this to end, she didn’t want to live like this anymore.

“Sarah,” Ava’s voice was far away as she got lost in her pain-fogged brain, “Sarah, focus on me, okay?”

She did try, shifting a little to face her girlfriend. Ava’s hands found her face, holding her cheeks gently to keep her attention. She tried to reply, an apology on her lips again for being such a handful, but all she could manage was rough cough. It was all too much, she just wanted to sleep.

“Ava...” she couldn’t stifle the whine that followed her coughing fit, the involuntary action only jostling her rib cage more. Ava saw the way she was becoming increasingly more frustrated, which only made her cry harder; the amount of pain she was in clearly causing a major mental toll as well.

“I’m sorry, Sarah,” Ava said softly, pulling her a bit closer. The brunette just slumped back into her arms, giving up on trying to be strong. She couldn’t do it anymore, it was only making the pain worse. Ava knew that and she assured her she didn’t have to be strong.

“I’ve got you,” she promised, “It will pass, baby.”

It was the pained sob that escaped her after that that broke Ava’s heart. Sarah had her face buried in her neck, hands clutching at her scrub top for any semblance of security. The way her body shook and subsequently flinched at the painful movement made Ava want to cry too. Sarah didn’t deserve this; she shouldn’t have to deal with this. Still, she had to be strong when Sarah couldn’t be, it was the least she could do.

“Shh,” she soothed, “It’s okay, darling. I know it hurts.”

They stayed like that for God knows how long; it could have been hours or mere minutes. Sarah just remained pressed against her girlfriend, silent except for the occasional stifled sob if the pain got too much. Ava held her a little tighter every time, speaking reassurances and pressing gentle kisses to her head and face. It made them both feel helpless, not being able to get through a flare like this any other way. Ava would take Sarah’s pain away in a heartbeat if she could, so the fact that all she could do was watch this happen made her feel sick. She just kept promising Sarah it would pass, because she knew it would. If she could calm down and sleep she might be able to get some rest, let her body heal from the self inflicted inflammation it was battling at that moment.

Sarah tried to focus on Ava’s words, the low tone of her accent always soothing her. It still hurt, she felt like she was suffocating, but it was more bearable like this. When she could be in Ava’s arms, surrender to the pain, and let someone else be strong for her. Ava couldn’t make the pain go away, but she could be there to make Sarah feel less alone. That was something she was every grateful for, even if she couldn’t express it in the moment.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hi, chronic back pain anon again. This is the last one about it but can you write one where Arthur has to help the reader undress and bathe bc with each step her leg gives out? She takes pain meds that make her sleepy (It happened to me a few minutes ago and I was SOO embarrassed bc the person that helped me saw my body)

I am so so sorry you have to go through this. Back pain effects everthing in your life 😢 Sending love 💗 I will write it for you within the next few days 💗

UPDATE: Here it is..... I really hope you like it and I hope the pain is not as bad today  <3

The soft fabric of Arthurs brown cardigan was wrapped around your aching body like a shelter. Wearing his clothes was one of the most comforting things. Especially when you were in pain. There was something  potective about the fabric on your skin, the fabric that has been through so much. The fabric that knew Arthurs skin and body since he was in high scool. His clothes have seen so much. They were part of his life, his past and present. Always close to his body. Just like you wanted to be.

Sometimes you wish you could be the sweater he was wearing like a second skin. Wrapping him up inside of you, to keep him warm.

But you were the one who needed to kept warm today. So he offered you his clothes, knowing how save you felt wearing them.

You carefully moved to find a better position to sleep. It seemed impossible. The light coming from the window hurt your eyes "Arthur? Darling, are you here?"

Arthur just came back from the bathroom "Of course I am, baby. Can I do something for you?"

You rubbed your eyes.

"Did the pain killers made you sleepy again?"

"Yeah... I`m so tired. I wish I could find some sleep. But the back pain wouldn`t let me rest".

Arthur handed you a cup of hot cocolate "I`m so sorry you`re in so much pain again. Its hard for me to see you suffer like that." he crawled up on the bed and gently stroked your back. "If only I could make it stop..."

"You already do so much for me, Artie. I really don`t know what I would do without your help..."

His hand moved in gentle circles. You hated your back for causing you so much pain. Feeling Arthurs loving hands stroking it carfefully and with so much love, made your eyes water.

"Don`t cry, baby. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better right now?"

Your hand touched the cardigan. And you felt the inner side of the fabric pressed against your chest "I feel so protected when I wear this" you took a sip of hot chocolate as he smiled "I bought it in a thrift store when I was in high scool. The other kids made fun of me, saying it`s old mens clothes."

"Well....they don`t know a thing. I love it and it feels so good on my skin. I can feel you when I`m wearing it."

Arthur kissed your dimple "I`m glad my old clothes are finally good for something. "

You flinched from pain as you tried to get up.

Arthur reacted immediately by supporting you.

The tiredness the pills caused made it even more difficult to get up. You sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at the man you loved so much. He just washed his hair and water was dripping from a wet strain that was sticking to his frown.

"Artie, can you help me undress? I would like to take a hot bath. Maybe it will soothe the pain a little bit."

"Of course" he nodded and you watched his fingers gracefully open the buttons of his own cardigan, as your chest was exposed he placed a soft kiss upon it and asked you to lift your arms so he could help you undress. Every move you did was painful but having Arthur on your side, feeling his loving hands helping you get through this was a true blessing.

First the right arm. Then the left. Everytime you felt Arthurs skin touching yours  you knew you weren`t alone in this world.

He couldnt take the back pain away from you, but you never had to face anything alone. He was there, right on your side and he would never leave.

Your pain was his pain. So as his was your own. There was nothing you couldnt talk to him about. You were on open book and he read between the lines.

"Can you help me with the pants,too?" you wore your own PJ pants. Arthur  stood up to carefully lift your leg and pulled on the pants "Is that okay? Am I hurting you?"

"Its okay, Artie. Thank you so much".

"Can you stand up?"

You nodded and tried to stand up but your legs gave out.

Arthur supported you and held you close to his chest "Oh Y/N, sweetheart. I`m sorry this is happening again. Sit down, I will help you with the rest".

You sat down on the edge of the bed again as Arthurs fingers reached for the waistband of your panties and slowly pulled it down your legs. They didnt felt right. Your whole body didnt felt right. The only thing that was right was Arthurs hands helping you.

He pulled the panties down your knees and looked at you like you`re the most beautiful woman in the world. "I love you" he whispered "You know that, right?"

"I know. And I feel it" you whispered back .

You liftet your feet a little bit so he could put the panties away. You were compleately naked now. Arthur kissed you thoughtfully on the lips. His wet hair strains crossed your cheek. You loved the smell of his shampoo. But even more you loved the smell of him.

"I will carry you to the bathroom, okay? Just let me fill the bathtub first. I´ll be right back."

Arthur disappeared in the bathroom and you heard him turning on the water. You tried to stand up but your legs wouldnt let you. This was so frustrating. You just waited for him to come back and get you.

You took a look around. This place was home to you. You couldnt even imagin that anything bad used to happen here in his childhood. To you this place was filled with love and warmth. But deep down you knew it wasnt this place, it wasnt this room or the things in it. It was him radiating all this light. It was him giving the room its warmth and comfort. He has been through so much horror and he was still shining his healing light upon you.

Arhur came back and liftet you up to take you in his arms to carry you all the way into the bathtub.

The hot water embraced your aching body like a blanket.

"Should I put some music on for you?"

He asked as he took the sponge and started to caress the huing parts of your back with it.

"No, its okay. I would love if you would sing something for me though".

Arthur smiled "Yiu want me to sing?"

"Yeah"

"Which song?"

"I dont care. I just wanna hear your voice".

"Okay. I thought you wanna hear some jokes but if you prefer me singing I will do that".

He took the empty can and filled it with water before he started putting Prell shampoo in your hair. It smelled like a garden of flowers. Your hair smelled like his now.

"The moon is the silver dollar

Shining in the sky

There's the dream we can buy

Sweetheart you and I"

he sang.

"I love your voice, Arthur. Its my fave sound in the whole world"

"Maybe I should consider singing my jokes then" he laughed.

You flinched as you tried to lean back, so it was easier for him to rinse your hair.

"How is the pain now, honey?"

"Starting to get a little bit better"

"I´m glad to hear that"

Arthur took the sponge and let it wander all over your body. Just as gentle as he used his hands.

You closed your eyes and focused on Arthurs voice. The warm water made you even more sleepy.

"The moon is the silver dollar

Made for lovers to share

And whit you in my arms

I am millionaire"

"So beautiful, Arthur...I`m so tired. I could drift away right now. But its not a good idea to sleep in the bathtub".

Arthur placed a kiss on your shoulder. The foam of the bubble bath tickled his lips.

"You can sleep if you want to. I am right here watching you. I`m not going to leave this room. You`re save with me".

"Thank you, darling" you said ,as his singing voice helped you to ease of the pain .

"Our care in troubles

Will all be small change

Someday they'll all change

Into a dream come true

The moon is the silver dollar

What a glorious sight

Let's invest at him love

Tonight."

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Always Waiting: The Cost of Never Being Done

Hi all,

I kept waiting for a time when I felt like I had time and energy to write and...surprise! It turns out that's not just around the corner when you have a chronic illness and are still working full time (not to mention trying to keep up a social life and maintain all your relationships). But I figure some information is better than none at all, so I'll get through what I can. 

You all remember (I think) that I went to Dana-Farber after my December CT scans showed significant growth of my primary tumor despite the metastatic sites holding steady. I came out of that meeting with two recommendations for clinical trials. One--my top pick--was being run out of Massachusetts General Hospital and Dana-Farber and involved an antibody-drug conjugate (IMMU-132) that has been shown to be super effective for triple-negative breast cancer but which got held up at the FDA approval stage. Doctors are pretty frustrated that the approval is still pending and that the only way to use it is on a trial, but there's hope that it might get approved in the next 6-9 months. The other is being run out of UPenn by the same doctor whose study I was on before and who I really like. It looks at the effect of chemo + an immunological agent vs. just chemo.

There were several reasons to prefer the MGH study (even though it would have necessitated traveling to Boston during the coldest months of the year), among them that I wouldn't have to endure chemotherapy as part of the trial. And it looked for a while as though I was going to be able to join it. It wasn't actively enrolling but there was a spot. I waited, in the days right before Christmas, to hear. And my doctors all worked hard, calling the PI and discussing the option of enrollment at either location. But it didn't work out. Another patient made exactly the same call I would have made--and I cannot fault them for that--and I am several places down on the waiting list. Spots open up when people leave the study, so presumably when their disease worsens or a better treatment option opens up. It only happens every couple of months. Doing the math, it seemed more likely that the drug would get approved by the FDA than that I would get to enroll.

I was pretty angry. And it was hard because there was no single person to be angry at. Not at my doctors, all of whom knew my preference, did all they could, and gave sincere apologies when it didn't work out. And not at the other patient who took the chance that I so hoped I'd be given. If anything, I was angry at the FDA for not approving the drug faster, or at whoever was funding the study for not allowing there to be more than 68 patients on it at any given time. The fact that groundbreaking, life-saving medical research is also a business constantly makes me angry. Sometimes it works in my favor (IMMU-132 will likely get fast-tracked on its second go through the FDA because someone will make money) and sometimes it doesn't (why fund more spots than you need on a clinical trial just because people want to be in it?).

So then there was more waiting. So much of having Stage 4 cancer is a waiting game. Waiting for promising new research directions. Waiting for that research to get funded. Waiting for those studies to enroll and complete. Waiting for FDA approval. Waiting for insurance approval. And, the biggest one by far, waiting to see if it works.

I was home for the holidays, not meant to see an oncologist until mid-January. A third option was proposed, which was staying on the study I had been doing with the PARP inhibitors but first doing a short course of radiation on the breast tumor. When I got home at New Year's I booked in to a radiology consultation, even though I felt a suspicion that it wasn't the best option. (Several oncologists told me that if the PARP inhibitors had stopped working on the initial tumor it was only a matter of time--and likely not much of it--before they stopped working on the metastatic sites too.) After spending nearly an hour with yet another very helpful doctor who had studied the whole history of my case (and a little bit of my research, once I told him what to Google) I saw that I was right. A tumor this size, he said, would only benefit from a pretty lengthy radiation course and we only had a grace period of 2 weeks for me to get back on the PARP study. He reminded me that it would be an option later and wishes me luck.

I'd like to pause here to do something I haven't done before and ask you all a favor. I understand exactly why this happens but please, to help me out, don't ask anymore about why I am not (yet) having surgery or radiation on the tumor. Yes, the primary tumor is the biggest and nastiest and pains me every day. You can be sure I'm also asking that question of my doctors, not only when there's a treatment change but when I tell them that it's hurting me. I know that it seems simplest to just cut it out (even if this means altering my body in a way that I am not eager to do) or try to shrink it. And I know that's why people ask. All the time. ALL the time. Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling defensive--do they not know that I have thought of this option every single day as I carry around the painful, swollen weight of a 6cm tumor?--and like I have to justify my decision. I imagine one or both those things will happen immediately. I have many (medical) reasons for not doing them yet. When I decide to do them, you will know and I will tell you more about why. But it would make me feel a lot better if I knew people weren't going to keep asking. Thank you.

Ok, back to what happened one I decided that radiation was out. Essentially, last week I officially consented to the study that's at Penn and that involves chemo. My first session will be on January 30th. I'll be going every 3 weeks. The agent I'm receiving is one of the oldest (carboplatin) and will be given in a higher dosage than when I went every week. This means it's likely to make me sicker. (The doctors did say that I'd feel worst on days 2-5 and better as the cycle wore on.) No one told me that people tolerate this one especially well and, having been so relatively lucky with side effects before, my worst-case-scenario brain assumes my luck will now be bad and that I will really struggle, lose all my hair, not be able to work, etc. Unhelpfully, although they can speak in averages, no one can predict how anyone will react to chemo. So just...wait. As usual.

To join the study, of course, there are a great many hoops all of which involve trips to Philly. I had a biopsy yesterday (Wednesday) and am spending tomorrow (Friday) getting CT and bone scans. There was an ongoing fight with my insurance company today when I got a phone call first thing in the morning telling me that they had canceled tomorrow's CTs because I didn't have authorization. Without authorization, no CT. Without a CT, no joining the study. Without joining the study, no starting chemo on time (lots of rearranging of my work and ride/support schedule). Lucky for me, my doctor's office was the one to do the calling and arguing. But it's frankly absurd to deny authorization for a CT scan to a documented Stage 4 cancer patient. I cannot even imagine what further information they would need for that one. And if I hadn't been joining a trial there would have been no rush and, likely, I would have been the one calling. The amount of admin involved in being chronically ill is frankly staggering. The end result, luckily, is that I am going in tomorrow.

And that's why I must get to bed. I know I make it sound like swinging by the hospital for a biopsy is no big deal - it's an outpatient procedure with only local anesthetic! I ate Shake Shack afterwards and went to work today! But, in fact, it's stressful to the body as well as the spirit to be on an operating table, numbed up with local anesthetic, and pierced in the lymph node or breast by an ultrasound-guided needle ten times (because you are doing so many studies and they all need research samples). The scans tomorrow will be easier - all I have to do is not eat beforehand, drink barium, lie in an x-ray contraption while having contrast dye injected through the port that's plumbed into my artery...then take a break before being injected with a radioactive tracer that will infuse my bones for a couple hours until I lie perfectly still and have them imaged. Easy, right?

I like to say that this stuff is no big deal--that it's just a lot of waiting in different places. And that's true, to an extent. The CTs don't hurt and they aren't physically demanding (although I'm not great at drinking that much barium milkshake that fast). The bone scan is kind of cool and I plan to wear my "Biohazard" t-shirt. But my normalization of the massive apparatus surrounding being ill and my incorporation of it into my everyday life does, I think, minimize the physical as well as emotional toll I pay each time I have a test or treatment. Not only are those reminders of the insidious disease that has taken so much of my life from my control--I'm not even thinking about that consciously most of the time--it's just all so relentless. There's always another call to make, appointment to keep, symptom to track, bill to pay, person to text or call. I am never, ever done.

On that last item, I do often feel burdened with guilt. I want support, but don't feel that I can always pay it back in the form of updates or thanks to those who so generously give it. But I do hope you all know that I'm here, appreciating each and every piece of it that I get. Social media may not be great for some things but it is wonderful for the small kindnesses that can buoy me up on a tougher day. This has been one, so I'm off to bed. But I send you gratitude and love.

Bex

[justseveralowls]

Self-Care: Anxiety Edition

Okay, so today I am going to start hopefully a recurring post series called “Self-care Sundays”. The idea behind these posts is to give gentle ideas for self-care for a variety of situations. I am hoping to include a range of activities that have a variety of energy requirements ranging from none/ very little to higher demand. I hope these are helpful and that I have the spoons to keep this pattern up.

Why self-care when anxious is important: 

Despite how often anxiety is dismissed as simply ‘being too high strung” or ‘just a part of life’, the effects it can have on your physical, social and emotional well being are undeniable. Chances are, even if you haven’t experienced long term or chronic anxiety, you’ve experienced at least some nasty effects from being anxious. Things like tension headaches, insomnia, irritability, digestive problems, and many others are pretty commonplace. These alone are nuisances, to say the least, but when turned into long term struggles they can worsen and even effect broader mental and physical health conditions. So caring for yourself while anxious, whether your anxiety is rare, sporadic, or chronic, is super important.

Low spoon/ Low energy

Unfollowing media that causes anxiety/stressors

Certain influencers, news apps, social media, triggering/ upsetting blogs or channels. As much as I didn’t want to admit this, unfollowing certain blogs and changing the books and movies I watched had a pretty impressive effect.

Setting up your phone/tablet/computer to have a do not disturb time.

Personally I have a daily ‘Do not disturb’ switch from 11 pm-7 am. This helps my focus this time toward preparing for the day, getting ready for sleep, or coloring.

Having limits on how often/how many times you check your email, particularly work or school if it is a major stressor.

Starting/ending your day with soft, calming or uplifting music and a few breaths (doesn’t have to be counted or deep.

Affirmations, either on post-its, on your phone, spoken allowed or just kept somewhere you can see them.

Heres a link to an anxiety affirmations list

Coloring. 

Adult coloring books are great and all but if that’s too hard (holding colored pencils or large spaces to color) then there is nothing wrong with kids coloring books (E has a Hello Kitty one and crayons) or if that’s still too high energy I love color by number apps.

White noise, or guided meditations 

Using apps to track mood and anxiety

Calm harm, Clear fear, Moody, ect

Hugging a pet, stuffed animal or friendly human

Mid- spoons/ Middle energy:

Brainstorm ways to make the stressful times of the day or week easier

Meal prepping/planning a meal out/ allowing yourself frozen food or boxed mac and cheese.

Give yourself small rewards to look forward to ( I download podcast episodes ahead of time and give myself something nice)

Prepping meds/vitamins ahead of time (proud owner of a ‘grandma pill container’)

Gratitude/positivity journaling (Can be just one line “Beautiful flower outside etc.)

Fidgets!

I absolutely love my fidget cube and magnet play thingy (sorry can’t really describe it better.

Learning to finger knit, crochet, knit or make friendship bracelets

This is actually awesome for allowing yourself to rest and recuperate while still feeling productive and getting the sweet sweet instant gratification. (I made this!)

Creating a google calendar to keep up with appointments and stuff. (Great for brain fog, systems, feeling overwhelmed, etc)

Give a self-massage, soak your feet, put on a face mask

Painting, collaging, writing, crafting, etc.

Higher spoons/Higher energy:

Making time for movement or activity of some type

IF YOU HAVE CHRONIC PAIN, ILLNESS, A HISTORY OF EATING DISORDERS/COMPULSIVE EXERCISE PLEASE BE SAFE AND DON’T HARM YOURSELF OR DISREGARD THE INSTRUCTIONS OF DOCTORS< COUNSELORS OR EVEN JUST YOUR BODY.

This can be a short walk, rocking in a rocking chair, dancing/moving to a song, going to an indoor pool and doing water walking (once I am off exercise restriction I intend to do this to treat my POTs and joint issues)

ONCE AGAIN STAY SAFE

Use a notebook at chart your anxiety, identify triggers and help with thought reframing.

This can help detect patterns and figure out what works best for you.

Venting to friends, to a stuffed animal or even to yourself

Seek out support groups (online or in-person) or pursue therapy (A lot of colleges have walk-in counseling for free, and there are lots of chat spaces/supports online)

Read/listen to media that inspires or calms you

If possible try a change of scenery 

I adore going to libraries, coffee shops, or even just a different room or part of my room within my own house.

More important than anything on this list is that you take this struggle seriously. This is a real problem and deserves your attention and acknowledgment. Your brain does not produce anxiety simply because it thinks it is fun. Like every feeling, anxiety serves a purpose and it’s crucial that you give yourself the patience and grace that would give a close friend. Caring for yourself isn’t laziness, narcissism or a character flaw. It the right, kind, and emotionally intelligent thing to do. You can get through this. You are doing great. Keep fighting.

R

[echocardiogram]

I feel like an asshole for doing this, but I’ve seen posts like this every year and I’ve never thought poorly of the poster and I could really use a smile, so here it goes: 

I won’t be getting any Christmas presents this year. It’s been a really long time since I’ve gotten any presents for anything. And I would really, really love to have something to open this year. So I put together a wishlist on Amazon. There are some really small, affordable items. It would mean the world to me to know someone cares and was thinking about me this holiday season. 

I don’t share personal issues and events very often, but I figure if I’m asking a bunch of strangers for Christmas presents, I owe you guys some sort of an explanation. So I’ve provided a bit of a backstory below. Believe it or not, that’s the short version. 

Like I said, I feel like a jerk for asking this, but I just could really use some kindness right now. If you decide to send me something, please, please, please include your name/username so I can thank you (or an address I can send a thank you note to!). If you can’t or don’t want to buy a stranger a gift that’s totally fine, thanks for reading all of this. 

Happy Holidays to everyone! We all deserve to have a happy and fun season. 

In early December of 2017, my mother had a health scare. We thought she’d had a heart attack (or similar issue) while she had a horrible cold. Her doctor ordered some tests and they came back with the notes that her heart looked fine, but there was a mass in her lung. It took forever to get her into a specialist. But by the end of January of 2018, she had been diagnosed with lung cancer. 

At the time, my mom was married to the man she’d been with since I was 4. But the cancer diagnosis did something horrible to him and he stopped interacting with my mother. There were some really awful events that took place between February and May which lead my mother to file for divorce in June. 

Simultaneously (February-June 2018), my mom went through her first round of chemotherapy and radiation. It was awful. The chemo medication they gave her was really strong. It had to be. But it left her completely bed-bound. She could barely keep food down, which led to rapid weight loss and dehydration. On top of that, due to where the tumors were, the radiation burnt her esophagus and stomach. All of this hospitalized her in April. She was only in for a week, thankfully. But it was easily the worst week of my life. 

Because of how her husband acted, all of her care fell on me. And it’s continued to be my responsibility. 

When her treatment wrapped up in June of 2018 her doctors had been really optimistic that she wouldn’t need any more treatment. And her 3-month scan in September seemed to support that. It took months for her to gain her strength and stamina back, but by the end of September she was back to work and things were returning to normal. 

In the final days of 2018, my mother had her next set of 3-month scans. They showed that not only were the masses in her lungs growing again but this time an MRI showed that it had spread to her brain. I have never been so thankful for a scan. The MRI was supposed to be a yearly scan, and she had had one in September, but I just had this feeling that she needed to have one in December and I threw a fit on the phone with her doctor until she agreed to order it. 

She started full brain radiation in late December 2018 and wrapped it up on January 4, 2019. What a horrible way to ring in the new year. Full brain radiation has the potential for quite a few permanent side effects. For my mom, these side effects manifested as forgetfulness, trouble expressing herself, and changes in mood and behavior. Her doctors have her on a medication that’s supposed to minimize these side effects, but they’ll never completely go away. 

Once the brain radiation ended, she began her second round of chemotherapy  This time the chemo medication was different, and luckily, much gentler on her. She still lost some weight, but she wasn’t completely bed-bound. This round ended in early May of 2019 and her doctors immediately started her on immunotherapy. She goes every three weeks. It’s much easier on her, but she’s still exhausted in the days following her treatment. 

This year, her September 3-month scan showed that cancer in her brain was still active in a few spots. She had gamma knife radiation (basically, pinpoint radiation) in October. She just had her December scans yesterday. We’ll get the results next week. I’m terrified. I always am. 

To make matters worse, my mom was fired from her job this September (on my birthday, no less). Luckily, she was able to find a new one within 2 weeks, but her health care was through her work. We were able to COBRA her insurance, but it’s over $400 a month. We were barely making ends meet before she was fired, now it’s even more difficult. We have additional debt from the divorce and the cost of buying and setting up a new home (things like dishes and beds and a stove). 

We’re in a much better place now. We’re in a home where we feel safe (we weren’t last year, her ex got really abusive). My mom is working again. (She’s one of those people who go crazy when they’re not working. She doesn’t know how to be idle.) But there isn’t any money for anything extra. 

I work as much as I can, but I have a chronic pain condition that severely limits how much I can do. And there are still times when I have to be home to take care of my mother. The immunotherapy she’s on is usually very tolerable, but there have been some treatments that have left her unable to leave her bed for 3-4 days (this last one was really hard on her).  

I have been squirreling away change and single dollar bills for the past three months so I can buy my mother something for Christmas, but she’s already told me that I shouldn’t be getting her anything and she won’t be getting me anything because we don’t have the money. I have to dip into the money I’ve put away for her present to buy bread today. Things are just...really tight. 

Through all of this, there hasn’t been time or money to spend on me. And I’m not upset about that. I’m not mad or annoyed that I haven’t gotten anything for my birthday(s) or Christmas(s). Hell, my mother still being alive is the best gift she could give me. I’ve just hit a point mentally and emotionally where I need something good or kind for me. I didn’t have many friends before my mother’s diagnosis, but when I started taking care of her full-time in 2018, the ones that I did have drifted away. And as much as I have aunts and uncles and cousins, we’ve never been the gift-giving kind of family. 

The list I made is ridiculously long. But there are a lot of small, inexpensive items on it. I also added a couple of things for my pets and my mom. In case you’d like to make their holidays a little brighter. If you can and want to send something, I would really appreciate it. If you can’t or don’t want to, I totally understand. This time of year is so difficult for so many families. I know I’m not in need in the same way others are. There are plenty of people who need help with food or presents for their children. But I thought I’d ask anyway. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. 

Christmas List

[sopewriters]

La Vie En Rose

Pairing: Kim Jongdae | Chen x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst, and a dash of Humor (I tried!); Soumate!AU where, upon meeting your soulmate, you can only see the world in shades of pink

Wordcount: 5.5K

Summary: It was a chaotic morning, and you were running late, and everything that could possibly have gone wrong did go wrong, and then... you found him. If only you hadn’t lost him just as quick.

Notes: It took me a billion years to write this for the @kwritersworld​ Spring Fic Exchange, not that I’m surprised (I mean, it’s me). Still, I was kinda scratching my head over my keyword: La Vie En Rose and figured I might as well write a soulmate!AU. AKA “I took my keyword very literally”. But, in any case, I hope you enjoy reading this, @roseyjongdae!

Unoriginal title is unoriginal!

As the cold, icy season has come to melt, Perhaps spring will come.

- Kim Jongdae, April, and a Flower

You’ve always contemplated it in bouts of lonely, wishful thinking. You like to imagine the feel of a soft palm sliding against yours. The fingers tangling in yours, snug and firm and there, saying it’s okay and I’m here. The reassurance that comes along with the presence of the One, the one you’ve been waiting for this whole time.

The one who’ll wash every last bit of pain away, the one who’ll wash the world in pretty shades of pink, of that color you’ve been aching to see your whole life. The one who’ll be by your side for better or worse. That one.

Your Soulmate.

You’ve heard people talking about their soulmates since you were young. Most of them were bright-cheeked, beaming, eyes crinkled and cheeks full as they gushed on and on about how they never could’ve imagined their lives without each other. Losing the colors was worth it, they say, but that’s the one thing you don’t understand. Why complain about switching color palettes? From what you’ve seen, pink is a gorgeous color anyway. It can’t possibly something anyone would regret.

Or, well, that’s what you think, until the day comes where you experience it for yourself.

As it happens, you might be running a little late. Now, while most people you know seem quite adamant that you suffer from Chronic Lateness, you beg to differ; you really don’t know where they get their (wrong) ideas from. They make no sense. Really. You’re always on time and they’re just jealous of the fact that they can’t be as timely as you, and that’s final.

But anyways, you really are late today. And it seems strangely fitting that it’s on your first day of work and, of course, in true cliché fashion, it’s raining.

Yep. Raining.

And spring rains, while admittedly beautiful, are the very last thing you need right now.

You struggle with your umbrella as you try and shield yourself from the onslaught, pushing through crowds of people simultaneously. You’re half-running, half-jogging really, trying your best to not to accidentally run someone over, but it’s too hard, isn’t okay if there’s a little collateral damage? Convinced by your wicked thoughts, your eyes fully squeeze shut and you push through the loitering humans using your umbrella as a literal shield. You hear some affronted noises, but they’re lost over the sound of the rain, and god, your dress, no!

You drop your umbrella just in time to keep your dress from being splashed by a zooming bicyclist.

So many regrets, and the day’s only just begun.

“Excuse me!” You push through again, and you’re almost there, yes – and that’s when you tumble forward, tripping over your heels as you fall into a firm chest. Blindly pushing yourself away, you suck in a breath when your fingers brush over warm skin, only shouting a quick, “sorry!” before ducking away. You hear someone call for you, but you really don’t have time to deal with an offended person right now – not when yoU’RE LATE!!!

When you finally break free of the crowd and make it to the front of your building, you let yourself take a breather, one hand braced against your knee while the other continues to hold your umbrella over your head. Desperately drawing in air, you finally let your eyes drift open once again, sighing softly as you watch pink rain puddle at your feet. Ah, you’ve made it. Your eyes drift shut once more.

Then, they snap open.

Wait a minute. Pink rain? Pink puddles?

You chance a glance around, heart thumping painfully quickly in your chest – and let out a gasp of horror when you see the world bathed in shades of pink. The cars zooming past you? Pink. The people walking around you? Pink. You chance a glance at your hands.

Pink.

“No.” You murmur to yourself, hands beginning to shake as realization slowly dawns. “No, no, no, no! No way!”

Some passersby stare weirdly at you, no doubt thinking you somewhat crazy, but you can’t bring yourself to care right now. Not when the world is crumbling away beneath your feet. Not when all your dreams, your hopes, have been decimated in one clean hit.

Oh god no. You’ve found your soulmate. Or, more accurately, you did. But they’re long gone now, lost in the crowd. That warm skin, the decidedly male voice calling out to you… that must’ve been them, right? God, if you’d just – if you’d just waited or listened to them and stopped, then you would’ve been able to speak to your soulmate. You – you would’ve…

You tremble as your eyes sting, and suck in a sharp breath when you remember.

As much as you’d love to dissolve into tears, you’re going to need to get yourself together until you’re done with work. Once you’re back home, alone, and preferably swaddled in a blanket… then you can have your inevitable breakdown.

For now, you take in a deep breath and push back your shoulders. You’re going to do your job today and do it well. So what if everything you look at is going to remind you of an opportunity missed? So what if you’ll probably never see both colors and your soulmate again?

So… so what?

You shudder, choking back a sob, and walk inside, greeting the receptionist with a tiny grin. It’s all you can manage right now, really.

“Hi, I’m supposed to meet Mr. Kang at nine?”

The man working behind the counter looks up, visibly startled. Then, a slow smile spreads over his lips, transforming his face into something less stressed and much, much more youthful.

“Oh!” He beams at you. “You must be the new intern!”

You smile a little easier this time, though it’s still dampened by the fact that his hair, his eyes and his skin still look very pink to you. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Alright, let’s get you set up really quick.” He clacks quickly at his laptop. “You don’t need to be so nervous, by the way! Brian’s a big ol’ softie.”

Brian? Is that your Boss’ name?

“Here we go.” He presses a couple more buttons on his keyboard, before looking up at you expectantly, the light glinting off his glasses. Huh, it’s funny that even that’s pink. God, any more pink and you might actually throw up. “Could I have your phone number and an ID please?”

As you rattle it off, you let yourself observe how different everything looks, now that you can’t see normal colors anymore. The thought sends a pang through you, so you stop looking pretty quick.

And ah, right, you’re supposed to give him your ID. You slide your hand into your pocket, groping around for the old school ID you kept in there specifically for this purpose, though you come up blank. With a sigh of frustration, you pull out your wallet and find, thankfully, that you actually do have your license, which must be a blessing sent from the heavens.

The only blessing today, as it so happens.

The man grins cheerfully at you, quickly checking your identification before handing the card back to you, and you make sure to slide it back inside your wallet. You don’t need to deal with forgetting another ID – and a super relevant one too, this time.

“Okay, I’ll show you up then!” He stands up suddenly, and wow, he’s tall. “I’m Jae, by the way! Nice to meet you, intern!”

“Nice to meet you too.” You manage as you follow him, wondering whether he’s just allowed to leave his station unmanned like that. Well, it’ll help you out, so you suppose it shouldn’t matter. “Um, so is there anything else I should know about Mr. Kwon?”

You know, apart from ‘Brian’ being a softie?

“Hm…” Jae purses his lips in thought, lighting up. “Well, don’t call him Brian and you should be fine! He hates being called that at work, haha!”

Yeah. He even pronounced the ha-ha.

You stare at him in slight disbelief. If anything, this ridiculous guy serves as a great distraction from, well, everything else. Uncharted territory that should remain uncharted for as long as you say so: forever.

So, realistically speaking, not a long time. Once you’re done talking to this Brian guy, you just need to find the nearest bathroom stall to lock yourself in so you can drown in your tears. Yep. Sounds like a plan.

Jae suddenly stops short and it’s only because you looked up at just that moment that you don’t go crashing into him. “We’re here!” he announces helpfully. “Hey Brian!”

You only now look past him, finding a man sitting at a desk, clearly focused on something in his laptop. At Jae’s obnoxious shout, his head shoots up and he groans.

“Who’s Brian?” He grouses, and Jae just laughs cheerfully.

“Good question! Anyway, this is the intern you were telling me to keep an eye out for.” He sweeps his hand over you in a grand gesture, making you wince. “You’ll probably want to take it from here.”

“Yeah man, I got it. Thanks.” Brian – no, Mr. Kwon – waves Jae away and, with one last cheerful grin, the taller man’s gone. You’re all alone with your Boss now and—

God, this is nerve-wracking.

“So, there are some basic things you’ll need to do.” Brian stands, carrying some files with him. The dull awareness from before is gone now, and you snap to attention, automatically receiving the papers into your outstretched hands. “Since you’re just interning, and this is your first day, you’re not going to be doing anything particularly hands-on just yet.”

“Got it.” You nod, though you can’t help the tiny well of disappointment in your chest.

Brian notices, and smiles softly at you. “Hey. You’ll get there, don’t worry.”

“Yeah.” You grin, then heft your arms with the files still in them. “So, uh, what do I need to do with these?”

“Just go through them, fix up general issues like typos and grammar errors, if any.” Brian shrugs, before his face folds in thought. “And, what else… ah, right. The Boss isn’t in right now, but you’ll meet him later.”

Wait, what?

“Oh, alright!” You try and mask your surprise, though Brian clearly notices.

The smile on his face is wry. “You thought I was the Boss, didn’t you? I keep telling Jae to stop selling me like that, but he never listens.”

“Well.” You laugh, a little very harried at being read so easily. “You seem really capable.”

This time, the smile is a little more genuine. “Thanks. Your desk’s over there, so let me know if you need any help or if something seems unclear. If you ever need to go to the general workplace area – with all the other employees – that’d be one floor down.”

“Alright, thank you.” You quickly make your way to your (your!!) desk, setting the files down, followed by your bag and, finally your umbrella. The troublesome thing’s wet, you only now notice with dismay, but, luckily, you’ve kept a plastic bag on hand for this very purpose. Sometimes, being prepared can take you a long way.

Having work to do is actually a blessing in disguise. Sure, working sucks sometimes, but this is what you’re here to do – and it helps distract you somewhat. It’s still pretty difficult for you to completely forget, especially when the pink still encompasses your vision, making certain graphs difficult to read – but you notice how it already begins to fade, natural color slowly returning to your field of vision.

Maybe it’s a temporary thing, then? The pink goes away after some time if you haven’t met your soulmate?

…you don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse. Why not the best of both?

“How’s it coming along?” Time must have flown by pretty quickly because, by the time Brian calls out to you, it’s already past noon. “You should probably take a break soon.”

“Yeah, I’m almost done going through this report.” You hold up a page, like it’ll actually tell him anything of relevance. “Thanks for letting me know, Mr. Kwon!”

He hides a pleased smile, no doubt because you didn’t call him Brian, unlike Jae. “No problem. Ah, right, the Boss isn’t coming in today after all – he texted me a while ago, so. You don’t need to be on super-high alert today.”

Oh. You’re a little disappointed, but the relief at not having to make a fool of yourself just yet is far more overpowering. Thanking him, you set up wrapping up your report so you can get lunch.

If this is all you’re going to need to do while you’re here, then this is going to be a more uneventful internship than you previously thought.

The next couple of days pass the same way. Your Boss still hasn’t come to the office which, according to Brian, is pretty unusual.

“He’s probably just having an off week.” He shrugs. “He doesn’t usually miss any days, so it’s really alright, I think.”

An off-week, huh? You can empathize very much on that front. Though, really, calling your week ‘off’ would be an understatement; your week has literally gone to hell, and it’s never coming back. You managed to both find and lose your soulmate in a matter of minutes at the beginning of the week, and god, just thinking about it is enough to make you tear up again.

Why isn’t life ever fair?

The pink that used to encroach in your vision has all but disappeared, and it’s only the lightest shade of rose that dusts everything you see, almost none of those pretty lies left. Is it weird for you to miss it now that it’s gone?

“What’s got you so deep in thought?”

You startle when a voice slices in, curious. Swiveling around quickly, you breathe a sigh of relief when you realize it’s only Jae.

You didn’t need to sneak up on me, you want to say, but you bite back the words. Instead, you just sigh, “nothing, really. I was just zoning out.”

Which, you know, isn’t technically a lie.

“At work? Oh my.” Jae gasps softly, lifting a hand to his mouth in mock affront - like he hasn’t done the same thing over multiple instances. He seems a little too easy going but you tell yourself that, once your boss comes in, he’ll probably shut up a little.

(Alright, so you don’t exactly mind that he comes over constantly, but you feel like you should, you know?)

“Yes, yes.” You let yourself smile a little, dropping your cheek into your palm as you side-eye him. “Is there anything you need, or…?”

Jae smiles sheepishly at you. “Yeah, actually. Brian wanted me to go on a coffee run, but…”

Oh god. You barely manage to suppress a groan – you’ve actually been really happy that you haven’t had to do that just yet, but it looks like luck just isn’t on your side. Ugh.

“I’ll do it.” You offer in defeat – though is it really an offer when you’re aware you have no choice? Huh. “How many people is it for?”

“Six, not including you.” Jae beams happily at you. “You just need to get them up here, and I can take them to the guys downstairs no problem! And – ah, right – here’s a list so you don’t forget.”

He slides a paper onto your desk, grin turning sleazy for all of two seconds. “Thanks for the favor.”

“You owe me.” You feel brave enough to say, making Jae laugh in agreement.

Gathering the slip of paper in your palm, you get up, pulling on your coat once more. It isn’t raining, thank god, but it looks like it might, and it’s definitely cold right now. “I’ll see the both of you soon!”

Brian waves half-heartedly, and Jae sends you another thankful grin that you return wanly before you ride down to the first floor again. At least it’s Friday, you think optimistically in a bid to make yourself feel better. You can go home and just crash for the whole weekend, provided you don’t have any more work to do.

You mentally touch wood. You are not jinxing yourself, not today.

Making your way out of the building, you pause, blinking up at the cloudy sky with a sigh, before walking in the direction of the nearest coffee shop. You’ve got its location down by now, since, well. Coffee.

The shop looks a little busy, you realize as you duck inside, trying to avoid bumping into people who’re reveling in their own cups of coffee. Still, it’s alright. You can deal with this kind of crowd – it’s not as bad as it could have been.

When you finally, finally get to the front of the line, you manage to rattle off your orders without making a fool of yourself, so you count it as a win; the girl at the counter, however, looks confused so you end up giving her the slip of paper with everyone’s orders on it so she can ring you up.

Alright, so. It’s not a complete win, but as far as some things go, you think this is pretty damn good. It is. Especially given Jae’s completely ridiculous order.

You’re a little bored, though, when you stand off to the side in wait. You already know you’re going to be standing a long time, given how large your order is, but should you sit down…?

As you furiously debate over this (very, very important) subject in your head, you’re startled when someone clears their throat from behind you.

“Sorry!” You yelp, immediately shuffling to the side. “I didn’t mean to get in your way!”

“Oh, no, it’s nothing like that!” It’s a man’s voice, you realize, turning around to actually face said man. “I mean…”

You appraise him quickly, eyes immediately catching on the jut of his cheekbones that accentuate his jaw and small mouth. His hair looks soft, curling lightly at the ends, and his eyes seem warm, homey. Is it weird that that’s your immediate thought? It’s probably weird.

“Can I… uh, help you?” You ask cautiously, hoping you haven’t caught the attention of some creep. Your heart pounds a little nervously in your chest. You’ve never dealt with these things before! What if – what if he really is a creep? Or a stalker? What if he looks pretty but isn’t really, on the inside? What if he chats you up and kills you when you least suspect it? What if—

“I was wondering if this belongs to you?”

…what?

Narrowing your eyes, you take a look at what he’s holding in between the fingers of his outstretched hand. A glossy card, of sorts…

You lean over a little more, squinting hard at it – and then your eyes fly wide open.

That’s your old ID.

Your school ID, with the hideous picture printed out so clearly on the tin. Your old ID, which you’re pretty sure you lost for good. Your old ID…which you lost on That day.

The sudden rush of sadness that sweeps through you nearly sends you into a full-bodied shudder, but you thankfully manage to stop yourself from doing just that. Your mouth, though, still quirks downwards of its own volition and it’s only the knowledge that the man’s still patiently holding out the card for you that keeps you from your impending breakdown.

“So… is that a yes?” He tries hopefully, smiling awkwardly at you. God, he’s got such a pretty smile.

You mentally smack yourself. Back at it again with the weird thoughts, huh brain?

“Um, yeah, it is.” You carefully take your card back, wincing at the grainy picture of your freshman self. Yep, it’s just as ugly as you remembered. “Thanks! How… did you find this?”

There’s something odd about the way he looks at you, and it has your breath stuttering, hands beginning to clam up. “Well, someone bumped into me when I was on my way to work, and nearly bowled me over, when I saw your ID on the ground. I don’t think you noticed, since you seemed like you were in a rush.”

Oh. Oh god.

“How embarrassing.” You groan, unable to help the raging flush that begins to work its way over your face. “God, I’m so sorry – thanks for holding onto it for so long! It’s been – what, four or five days since then?”

The man laughs and, you know you’re being weird, but you stare anyway. He looks weirdly right, laughing like this. Like this is what he’s meant to be doing. And he has a really funny laugh – and a really loud one too, gosh, is everyone staring at the both of you now?

I DON’T KNOW THIS MAN. You try to telepathically project, but you don’t think it works. People continue to give the two of you an odd look, every now and then.

Well, it was worth a shot, even if it didn’t work. But now, you need to find a way to politely excuse yourself from this conversation and yeet out of here.

“Yeah, it’s been a while. I don’t know why I’ve held onto it for so long either – I should’ve probably gone to a police station instead? I don’t really know how all of those things work.” The man rambles on, waving his hands rather expressively. “But man, you were really in a rush that day! I called out to you and everything, but you still didn’t notice – which is pretty impressive, people tell me my voice can be really loud when I want it to be.”

Whoever told you that isn’t wrong, you think wryly to yourself, before you pause and rewind. Wait. Hold up. He said he called out for you that day?

Could he be…?

Then, you chance a glance at him as he continues to steamroller through the rest of his monologue, mentally shaking your head. Nah. There’s no way your soulmate could be this kind of dork.

“—and quite frankly, I wasn’t really having the best day either, since I somehow managed to find my soulmate and lose them simultaneously within a minute.” He shakes his head ruefully, a bitter smile tugging at his lips. “So I guess I wasn’t thinking all too clearly—”

“Wait, you said you missed your soulmate?” You blurt out, deciding it would be appropriate to interrupt him. Your heart’s beating painfully loudly in your ears, threatening to wash out the rest of the world entirely, save for the weird dude who’s looking so quizzically at you.

“Sorry, I’m probably overstepping, aren’t I—?”

“Could you touch me?” You blurt out.

And then —

You freeze.

He freezes.

The both of you freeze.

You briefly wonder if you can dig a hole for yourself with a straw. Sure, it seems impossible, but so did the idea that you’d be able to make a bigger fool of yourself than usual. Never say never, right?

“E-Excuse me?” His ears begin to turn red and he smiles a little hysterically at you.

You probably look a little hysterical too, you figure, so you can forgive him that. You certainly feel that way.

“Th-that’s not what I meant!” You rush to explain, hating yourself for tripping over your words like this. “It’s just – I just wanted you to hold my hand?”

Yeah, because that sounds so much better.

He stares at you, smile dropping. Clearly, he’s regretting ever approaching you.

“I promise I’m not a creep, I just – need to know something.” You cast your eyes down, embarrassment overtaking your features. “I—”

“Got it.” He chuckles lightly, holding out a hand; and there’s something strange in his eyes now, almost like hope. His smile’s back, unwavering, and you might stare at it a little dopily for a while before you finally see his outstretched palm. “You can touch, if you’d like.”

“Yeah.” You breathe out, slowly reaching out your hand, fingers almost brushing against his palm—

“Order for __________!” You startle at the sound of your name, fingers jerking back. You meet his eyes apologetically, quickly turning to grab your coffees, balancing the holders precariously in your hands.

“Sorry about that.” You say downcast. Hands now occupied, there’s absolutely no way you’re going to be able to touch him.

“It’s alright.” He shakes his head with a softer curve to his mouth, before steadily flushing. “Do you – could I maybe touch you? Maybe?”

Ignoring the fact that he’s just used ‘maybe’ twice in a row, you feel your throat tighten. Unable to verbalize a response, you just nod, heart flying up to your throat.

Slowly, he reaches out a hand, carefully brushing his fingers over the bare skin of your shoulder, and then—

The world dims, falling away. All you can see – all you can feel – is his hand, the warmth of his slender fingers as they press gently against your skin.

“It really is you.” His voice swims over the roaring in your ears and everything’s perfect, you actually found him and then—

There’s a splash, and searing heat along the hem of your trousers.

You gasp as he yelps, staring in mortification at the toppled cups of coffee, with most of the drink having splashed over your pants.

Of course. Of course. Of course!!!

Your hands just couldn’t hold on for two seconds, could they?

“Are you okay?” His voice sounds out hurriedly as he rushes to get you some napkins. Quickly making his way back, he dabs at your arm, making you blink dazedly. You didn’t realize some splashed on your arm, too. “Oh my god, I wasn’t thinking when I just went and touched you like that.”

You don’t move, don’t say anything, eyes entirely fixated on the soft curls of his rosy hair, tracking over the pinking flesh of his sloped neck.

“You’re pink.” You finally manage to say dumbly. “You – you’re pink.”

“I guess I am.” He agrees with a little laugh, crouching down to the floor to continue to press his napkins to your clothes – and it’s only then that your body propels into motion. You drop down beside him quickly, refuting when he protests, saying you can do it yourself. It’s your mistake, after all.

And, while mortification eats at you, you can hardly even notice it over your elation.

You’ve found him. You’ve found him. You’ve finally found him.

“I can’t believe it.” You say quietly, ignoring the fact that the two of you should probably move aside to someplace more private instead of hindering the rest of the customers. You’re far too exalted, caught up in your head from the waves of pink that layer everything you lay your eyes on – except, this time, there’s someone who’s seeing this with you.

And that makes something bright and beautiful just bloom in your chest.

The smile he gives you only makes it unfurl; sweet and gentle, just like him.

“Neither can I.” He pats your shoulder, a tiny laugh erupting from his throat – but it rings around your mind, full and rich. “Let’s take this outside, alright?”

“Right.” You nod quickly, clambering to your feet with an apologetic smile at one of the baristas who’s waiting patiently to mop up the mess. “Sorry about that.”

He frowns at the remains of your coffee, taking a quick sip from his own cup – when did he even get that? – and seeming to arrive at some kind of decision.

“I’ll re-order for you.” He nods decisively, making you turn to him, flustered.

“You don’t have to do that!”

“I want to.” He shrugs. “It was half my fault this happened anyway, so it’s on me.”

“There’s a lot of orders.” You say warningly.

He shrugs again, like it’s habitual. “I have a lot of money.”

Oh wow. From anyone else, those words would sound cocky, but he says it matter-of-factly because that’s exactly what it is. A fact.

Is it weird you find that attractive?

“If you say so.” You murmur, ducking your head down as you hand the slip of paper to him. “Thanks.”

“Aw, are you shy?” He teases, making your head shoot up. “That’s alright, I—”

He pauses, brows furrowing when he reads the slip. You uncertainly reach out a hand to take it back, figuring he’s probably changed his mind, but he just shakes his head.

“Do you…” He shifts, clearly uncomfortable. “Are you currently working at someplace nearby?”

“Oh, yeah, at Kim Entertainment.” You say happily, not minding parting with this information since he’s – y’know – your soulmate. Oh god, you’ve actually done it, you’ve found your soulmate. “I just started interning there at the beginning of the week. It’s actually why I was in such a rush when we first met!”

“Oh. Huh.” He mutters something else under his breath that you can’t quite catch, and still has that strange look on his face. “I see.”

You bite your lip. “Is something wrong?”

He looks up quickly, evidently startled. “What? No, of course not! I was just surprised, that’s all – let’s get those coffees, yeah?”

“Sounds good.” You beam at him, before your smile drops. “Wait, I don’t know your name!”

“Ah.” His eyes grow wide, before he grins. “It’s Jongdae. Nice to meet you, _________.”

“How do you know my name?” You gasp in surprise as the two of you slip back into the line. “Are you – are you a stalker?”

“What? No! It was on the ID you dropped!”

When the two of you finally return to the company building, you smile at him.

“I’m glad I found you.” You say shyly. “I was – I was pretty sad because I thought I lost you.”

“I was pretty much the same way, yeah. Even took a whole week off because I couldn’t even walk the same route without remembering.” Jongdae’s smile slips a little, but he quickly shakes it off. “It’s nice to know you longed so desperately for me, though.”

“Like you weren’t the same!” You protest hotly, cheeks burning as the two of you file into the elevator. “You literally just said you were the same way!”

“Touché.” He remarks, which makes absolutely no sense, but you figure you can let this one go since he’s your soulmate and all. You admire the pretty pink patterns running along the carpeted floor as the both of you step out into the hallway.

“Right.” You snort.

He only turns to stick his tongue out teasingly before he rushes up ahead – you squawk in protest and bolt after him, giggles erupting from your lips as you let yourself enjoy the moment.

Then you hear his voice.

“I’m baaack~!” He sings, loudly and perfectly in tune. “Did you guys miss me?”

“No!” That’s Brian’s – Mr. Kang’s – voice, you realize. And then stop short.

Hold on.

You never even questioned why Jongdae strutted into the building like he owned the place, too caught up in your conversation and the elation at finally finding your soulmate. Now, though, as you listen to them squabble, you’re struck with slow-forming realization.

It can’t be…

“________! Where are you?” That’s Jongdae’s voice and you realize, slowly, that he knew. So that’s why he was so stumped by your coffee order – it’s because he’s clearly seen it before.

“Right here.” You say dryly, shooting your amused soulmate a deadened look. “I’ll be at my desk if you need me.”

“Hey, none of that!” The shy, cute stranger is now gone, replaced by this smirking little tease. Oh god, you can’t believe you fell for his cutesy act, you could hit yourself.

“You two know each other, Boss?” Brian asks curiously from his desk, eyes flitting between the two of you. Jae blinks, not moving from his perch on Brian’s desk.

Jongdae grins broadly, teeth showing, and you already know he’s going to say something like—

“’Course we do! She’s my soulmate!”

And there’s so much the two of you need to talk about, so much you still need to discuss now that you know he’s your Boss and soulmate, but... that’s alright, you figure. Maybe it’s the soft rose that shades his profile, casting a soft glow over everything you see – or maybe the way your colleagues’ jaws drop – but, you think to yourself, this soulmate thing might be a whole lot better than you thought it would.

Jongdae turns to grin at you, clearly proud of himself – and the sight of it makes butterflies erupt in your stomach, giddiness overtaking you at how soft the world seems to be, now that you’ve found him. You never thought you’d get your second chance, but now that you have…

It’s all so worth it.

As the cold, icy season has come to melt, The spring days I awaited bloom once again.

- Kim Jongdae, April and a Flower

Written By: Midnight!

[princelymlm]

I hope for and want the best for you all, I do. I hope you all know that.

I hope that one day you get to wake up in your apartment/house/cabin/farm/whatever lodging you dream about, with your partner. I hope that they love you truly and with all of their being and that they make it known to you each and every day. I want you to know each day that you wake up that you are loved and you are supported and you will be cared for. I hope that one day you will meet someone who makes all of the problems you have faced in the past seem insignificant and that this person makes all of the future struggles you may face, feel easier to overcome. I hope that you find someone who will stand with you in the face of injustice, who will fight alongside you and defend what it is you believe in. I want you to find someone who respects you and will take as much time to gain your trust in your relationship. I want you to find someone that will not judge you for your past, who will not make you feel ashamed of what you have been through, but who will be proud of what you have overcome to get to where you are today. I hope you find someone who will learn your first language to communicate with you and your family. I hope you find someone that will respect your pronouns. I hope you find someone who will help you deal with chronic pain and who will go out of their way to find wheelchair accessible places for your dates. I want you to find someone who will accept you for all that you are.

I want you all to be happy and I know that may not be happening for you right at this moment but I wish that it will. I hope that it will. And with all of my heart I want you to know that if you don't think in this moment that you are loved then you are wrong.

Because I love you. With all of my being.