#honestly? i could talk way more about this but .. trouble articulating my thoughts gets to me and I dont want to risk going wildly off topic

[m1zisua]

I think that in this scene, Till is just feeling pure euphoria and adrenaline. Finally, being able to almost taste freedom. Experiencing a rush of seeing something so new and cool and open.

That is until the reality of the situation comes crashing down on him, and in turn, he lets go of ivans hand, the previous joy completely gone. He knows it's too late to go back to how it was moments before .. knows that whatever choice he makes has already had its impact.

Hastedly, he has to make the choice between two very life altering decisions .. although I think subconsciously he knew what he would do, but I digress .....

Go back to the place that has the person who he holds most dear to him, the person who gives him a reason to live. The place that he has also unfortunately been accustomed to? Or wrecklessly escape with Ivan and live a life that potentially has so much more to offer, something that sounds like a mere fantasy.

Regardless, Till makes his choice. To go back. To stick with what he knows. The more "grounding" option. He couldn't leave Mizi, his hope, behind like that.

In one last fleeting moment, he desperately looks to Ivan, guilt written on his face. Maybe a last goodbye, an expression to convey to Ivan that he cares and that he's sorry for leaving. A dire attempt for Ivan to understand.

All of which goes unnoticed before Till has to turn back before it's too late and someone notices them missing.

So he goes. Horrifyingly enough, he sees Ivan there the next day. I imagine that his guilt only continues to grow each time Ivan interacts with him like nothing happened.

[feralbutfluffy]

53: Aziraphale

Chapter 53 of Too Wise to Woo Peaceably*

*after having been convinced not to delete it - next chapter will be up in about 8 or 9 hours; needed to give my eyeballs a break

*********

In the sudden absence of Muriel, Aziraphale jumped out of his chair and swung into frenzied action. He reached into Muriel’s satchel until he felt the familiar crumpling of a paper bag and pulled it out, smiling triumphantly. He inspected the contents before offering it to Crowley.

“Eccles cake?”

Crowley was drumming his fingers against the armrest with restless energy. He didn’t respond to Aziraphale’s offer.

“Nice to hear Maggie and Nina got together in the finish-up,” he said instead.

Aziraphale’s hand dropped a few inches, and he was grateful they didn’t seem to be returning to the topic of That Day At The Bookshop. He felt as if his nerves were being sanded away every time they spoke about it. As if facets of him were being filed down, leaving him raw, and if it continued the core of him would eventually be excoriated and exposed. 

He knew he should sit down and think about it, reflect on what Crowley had said… but it felt an awful lot like telling himself he had to stare directly at the sun.

He didn’t want to do it; the very thought of it hurt.

“Mmm,” he said articulately.

“We really cocked that one up,” continued Crowley. “My idea was a disaster! Yours was worse.”

“I beg your pardon? My idea was a good one! They danced!” Aziraphale said, then frowned. “What was yours again?”

“Yours was interrupted by a horde of demons,” Crowley pointed out. “At least during mine - sheltering under a canopy in a rainstorm by the way; told you you never listen - the worst that happened was that they got wet.”

“Oh yes. The canopy. I’m not sure how you thought that would ever work, honestly.”

Being dismissive of Crowley’s idea felt much more comfortable than being honest to the point of vulnerability. He took a couple of Eccles cakes out and placed them on the end table, using the paper bag as a makeshift plate.

“Well it always works in films,” Crowley said, watching him carefully. “Seemed easy enough. Worked on me, didn’t it?”

“What did?” 

“The whole…” Crowley changed position, stretching his legs out and crossing them at the ankles, “...canopy thing.” 

Aziraphale turned to look at him, wondering what he could possibly be talking about. Crowley and canopies? Films? Was it a reference? Aziraphale didn’t watch many films. 

Crowley was still watching him, but now he was doing it out of the corner of his eye. He must have registered the blank look on Aziraphale’s face, because he quickly moved on.

“Really hadn’t taken you for a dancer. Thought your lot didn’t go in for that sort of thing?”

“Oh! They- We don’t. I took a fancy to it! Got quite good at the gavotte, if I do say so myself.” He tried not to look smug.

Crowley shook his head wonderingly. “How did I not know this?”

“Well we weren’t quite speaking at the time. We’d fallen out over the whole business with the Holy water…” 

“Right. Course.”

“And I got quite bored...”

“Sure.”

“Kept expecting you to pop up actually, but you never did! What happened to you after Edinburgh? Did you get in trouble?"

“Yes,” said Crowley flatly.

“Oh.” Aziraphale studied him. “A lot of trouble?”

Crowley shrugged, but his expression was bleak.

"Was it awful?"

"No, not-" Crowley hissed a breath out from between his teeth. "Yes."

Aziraphale moved over to the sofa and sat next to him. "Tell me."

"I'm not sure-" Crowley cleared his throat 

"Please. Tell me? Trust me, Crowley. I want you to be able to tell me things honestly," Aziraphale said softly, willing him to speak. 

Crowley gave him a sidelong glance before training his gaze on the floor. Beneath the blood and the bruises, Aziraphale could see pink flooding his cheeks. He worked his jaw, searching for the right words. He sighed. He uncrossed his legs and crossed them again.

The restlessness was making Aziraphale nervous. "Crowley-?"

"Ripped my tongue out," he said baldly, evidently having given up on finding a prettier way to describe such a horror.

Aziraphale blinked at him, uncomprehending. "Your... Your tongue," he repeated slowly, his mind scrabbling for any possible way for the phrase to mean something other than the obvious.

Crowley was still staring at the floor. His tone was remote, as if speaking dispassionately would dull the impact of his words. "Ah... every day for, er, at least three decades, I think. It all sort of blurred together after a while. Might have lost track."

The silence was profound. Crowley uncrossed his legs again.

"Crowley..." Aziraphale said slowly, trying not to sound as horrified as he felt, "What the fuck?"

The expletive must have shocked Crowley, because he made a startled noise somewhere between a cough and a laugh. He didn't smile, but he did lift his tired gaze to meet Aziraphale's. He shrugged, as if unsure what Aziraphale wanted him to say.

"Tell me that was the only time?" Aziraphale pleaded, his voice thick with emotion at the idea that anyone might have- Could have- And for decades!

"There were a few other..." Tears filled Aziraphale's eyes and Crowley cut himself off. He started again, injecting a forced lightness to his tone that almost made it worse. "It's just... Well. Occupational hazard I suppose, if you're a demon who makes a habit of getting angels out of trouble."

A tear escaped from Aziraphale's lower lid.

"Ngk. Not really, I mean- Not angels. Just one. Just one angel in particular." Crowley's eyes seemed to be tracking the tear as it rolled down his cheek. His mouth twisted. He reached up and brushed it away with his knuckle. "Don't."

"They hurt you because of me?" Aziraphale felt extremely unsteady.

Crowley grimaced. "Sometimes."

"They ripped out your tongue!"

"It grew back."

"Every day! Every day? For decades?" His voice was thin with anguish. "And even after that... I was... I was dancing! And learning magic tricks-!"

"Not well," Crowley said, giving him a crooked smile.

Another tear started to roll down Aziraphale's cheek and Crowley's hand came up again, his knuckles quickly brushing it away as if he couldn't bear to let it fall. He absent-mindedly rubbed the wetness from his knuckles with the thumb of his other hand.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me?" Aziraphale's mind was reeling. "Why didn't you protect yourself? And the Holy water- Why didn't you tell me? Why did you help me if that was the cost?" His voice cracked, and he thought of Saraqael's words:

'He has been punished more harshly than you know for transgressions that should never have mattered, and your friendship has cost him more than he should have ever had to pay.'

He swallowed a keening wail that threatened to rip from his chest. "Why would you do that?"

Crowley cocked his head consideringly. "Are you familiar with G.K. Chesterton?"

The abrupt change of topic startled Aziraphale, and he blinked back his tears with a confused frown. "The poet?"

"The very one. He once said, 'There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.' Had you heard that?"

Aziraphale's frown deepened. "What? Don't change the subject! Crowley, we're talking about you and the fact that you've risked such awful, awful-"

"You're doing it again."

"What?" The tears were back, a film over his vision making everything blurry.

"You're not listening."

Aziraphale hiccuped a sob and stayed silent. He stared at Crowley and his heart ached.

Kind Crowley, who had breathed life back into the dove.

Thoughtful Crowley, who had saved his books.

Brave Crowley, who had stopped time and Satan himself.

He thought of Crowley suffering somewhere in that dark, damp place without the ability to speak, days rolling into weeks rolling into months rolling into years, and he felt cold, and sick, and guilty, and he didn't know how he would ever make it up to his friend. How could anyone repay that sort of debt? Two tears spilled out onto his cheeks.

Crowley reached up, but this time he didn't brush the tears away. Instead, he took hold of Aziraphale's chin, his thumb brushing the skin below his lower lip, his fingertips gently resting on the underside of his jaw.

"I stood on the wall of the Garden of Eden with you, and the first rain came, and you took me under your wing and let me shelter there. Do you remember? I looked at you, and..."

There was suddenly something so pained and soft in Crowley's face that Aziraphale's lungs tightened at the sight of it, tightened so much it hurt, and he was crying now, crying in earnest.

"I think I looked for you from then on. Everywhere I went, I was looking for you."

Aziraphale felt like he was falling. He told himself he was sitting on a sofa. In a flat. In London. It made no difference. He felt numb and weightless. He felt as if he were falling from a great height, straight through space and time. 

"You asked me why I helped you, even knowing the price I'd pay." Aziraphale tried to turn away, but Crowley held his chin firm. "Like Chesterton said, 'There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.' I suppose it means I'm stupid for you."

They stared at each other then, Aziraphale wide-eyed and tear-streaked, Crowley fiercely determined and desperate for him to understand. Aziraphale took a shuddering breath, and the sound of it seemed to rattle something in Crowley. His shoulders slumped, and the tension of the moment broke into something else, something sore and heavy and resigned. He let go of Aziraphale's chin, and swallowed hard, turning away.

"God, but I am lost for you. In case you somehow didn't already know, I'm... I am chronically, tragically, irredeemably in love with you. Always have been."

And Crowley closed his eyes as if waiting for an axe to fall.

[death-himself]

ok episode 6 thoughts

decent episode, doesn't top episodes 4 or 5 for me but it was good

kronos being portrayed by his headmaster is an interesting choice

the iris message is so much blurrier than I always imagined i'm crying

144p iris message you would think it would be clearer but nope that's so funny to me

with how involved rick is with the show that means that's always what he imagined iris messaging looking like I can't iris messaging is ruined for me

we didn’t get percy talking to the zebra T-T it’s fine tho i forgot that even happened in the book until i checked after watching

their whole conversation while watching the animals escape i love them

their chemistry is perfect in this episode

THE LOTUS CASINO HAS A ROLLER COASTER WHAT

i get people wanted poker face, but the dua lipa song is perfect, it’s like a slightly more modern version

i don’t know fashion throughout the centuries so i can’t really say anything about the costume designs, but i kinda wish there were more obviously out of place outfits in the lotus

is augustus mentioned at all in the books? i don’t remember a satyr named augustus so i guess he was made just for the tv series?

luring grover in with pan is a cool change

grover slowly losing his memory was played pretty well

i keep getting impressed by how good these kids are as actors

i honestly don’t know why people hate on lin manuel miranda so much, i think he made for a pretty good hermes this episode

but also the way they’re portraying hermes feels a little bit off?? i don’t really know how but something didn’t feel right about his character

i do feel like he’s the most “human” out of the gods introduced so far, and i think that came through pretty well

“to be so close to someone you love, knowing neither of you has any choice but to keep hurting each other?” that line is just-

as someone with a really complicated relationship with my dad that line just hurt goddamn

the flashback percy had??? i feel like that line doesn’t 100% relate to percy and sally’s relationship, but i see how that’d be how percy would feel

unless i’m dumb and that was referencing his relationship with poseidon lol

ok the end of their talk with hermes i wanna talk about that a bit

parenting sometimes being watching your kid struggle and being powerless to stop it: completely true

“we’re all just doing the best we can” now that’s some godly bullshit

the difference between that first quote and gods being parents is that they’re literally capable of doing anything

they could be more present in their kids lives, they just CHOOSE not to, that’s how it works in the books

sure it’s coming from a place where he thinks interacting will only make things worse but???

i can’t articulate my thoughts, i liked this scene tho, my thoughts on hermes are mixed as they should be

ANNABETH STEALING HERMES’S KEYS

“i’m multi-talented” I LOVE HER

percy forgetting grover felt so unsettling to me

hermes driving a taxi so real

percy trying to drive, i’m not gonna lie, that scene went on a little too long for me, but i was laughing the whole time so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ok percy getting 4 pearls instead of 3??? idk why but that change pissed me off

i paused to get out the book, and i guess it makes more sense then hades just deciding to return her

but at the same time there’s the line in the prophecy, he’s supposed to leave her in the underworld for that part of the prophecy

are they just going to end up accidentally breaking one of the pearls or trading it or something? that’s the only way i can see that still working out

i feel like these episode reviews always turn out sounding more negative than positive, but i swear i’m enjoying the hell out of this series, i just have trouble articulating joy lol

[atoriv-art]

asks

putting these above the readmore because otherwise i will be speaking into the void

fave. grouping these together to say: i do read fanfic on occasion but it's usually filtered through a friend of mine who reads far more than i do! ie, she reads stuff and sends me what she likes

however she did say that i could tell people to link me things so she can read through them. so feel free to link me whatever in the replies/asks/idk. no promises i will be the one reading it LMAO but we have very similar tastes in characters/pairings and also the types of fics we like 👍

i actually gravitate towards gen fics which are a dying breed lol but you can link whatever you want <3

--

anyway. under the cut: misc asks, sasuneji 💕, also a tiny hyuga ramble

this is so late LMAO sorry, its all in my old blog @atoriv-moved ! haven't deleted any of it so if anything happened it's tumblr's fault. i miss kingdom hearts i need luxu to be in things again so i can go crazy :/

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thank you so much!!! 😭😭 it always makes me happy to hear the emotional weight of my work comes through! it's what i'm always trying to improve to make the little scenes in my head real :)

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thank you!!!! i never know what to say to these but they always make me smile 8)

--

thank you so much!! honestly noses still give me trouble sometimes but as someone who is particular about trying to properly translate 3D shapes, especially of the face, in my rendering it's probably one of the most important landmarks :P and i think you can enhance a design sooo much with them, despite my struggles they're one of my favorite things to draw now!

i totally encourage you to start drawing again if you want to! but i'm biased of course hehe

--

cute i never know how to answer these... maybe a little boring but i'm of the opinion sasuke is the clingier one in the rs :)

he's a very loving person but because of both his personality and collection of issues he struggles to fully articulate his thoughts in a manner that doesn't come off as rude or detached, but imo sasuke esp once he's out of his spiral would hate to have his love go unexpressed. so i think him having trouble with words and making up for it with flopping onto the people he loves like a large dog is sooooo cute, and i always think about how clingy he was as a baby.. he is made for latching onto people and wiggling them with a 😐 face

neji on the other hand is Weird About Intimacy since he's trained himself to be self-sufficient, and is hyperaware of how other people might perceive him due to him having to calibrate himself around his family. neji is very principled and especially when he's older won't let his anxieties keep him from doing something he believes in, but it gets a little more complicated when it comes to his personal relationships because for 90% of his life he had no hope of fostering those. so he ends up in a weird middle ground where he Does allow himself to express some of those feelings, but not fully, and often in a very self-conscious manner. his default answer to vulnerability is fluffing up like a cat because that's what's he's trained himself to do lol

so with these two in particular i think it'd combo into a lot of "flopping onto you like a weighed blanket because you're upset and i don't know what to say but i want to be here for you" situations, especially with sasuke doing it to neji because neji struggles with verbally articulating when he needs comfort like that. i think it works wonders for them because sometimes words get really messy when you have their combination of issues... it doesn't mean they can't talk through their problems of course, it just means that if something can be solved by the cat loaf maneuver it will be :)

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not reading too much into it at all, i love it! i like how much people talk about my kabuto hahaha i really want to draw him more often, i think he's a way more interesting character than he's given credit for (and this is coming from someone who really didn't like him at first :P), and his hairstyle change is one of the most obvious ways to explore that visually imo!

tysm for this, i really enjoyed reading it!

--

i do! i wish more was done with her because i'm really fascinated by the implications of how she's presented, and how she could've shown that being the favorite child of someone like hiashi isn't necessarily a good thing! i always thought she seems like she's a little dissociated from life outside of the clan, which is really fun to work with (and definitely sucks for her because the clan is Not good lol)

i haven't gotten through the arduous task of watching all naruto filler (lmao) but one of my favorites is the one about hanabi and her relationship with hinata, especially the first half, episode 389 i think? i'm really obsessed with the way that episode shows what day-to-day life was like for the kids and the way the hyuga structure themselves, and how it creates distance between them. i'm pretty sure it implies hanabi (pre-plot) didn't know who neji is, for example? which i get isn't canon but i looove that thought. and on a less deep note hanabi is one of the few characters who gets a design i actually like in boruto! i think she looks soooooo cute

since i spend a lot of time thinking about them i actually am fond of all of the hyuga to some capacity, hiashi definitely in a "wow this guy sucks so much it's impressive" way but still lol i think his relationship with his brother and how it informs how he regards neji is very fascinating, or at least the directions it could have taken (if kishi cared at all.) are!

see my problem is that i wish naruto was about weird families and their issues (i am also obsessed with the suna family <3), but it is a shonen anime made for normal audiences

[wildbornsiren]

12 days of Fluffmas!: Winter Festival || Beau “Cyclone” Simpson/F!Reader.

Day 6 Winter Festival.  Summary: Your neighbor Beau “Cyclone” Simpson takes you to a winter festival.  1553 words Female/AFAB reader..  Warnings: There’s an implied age gap. Reader is in her 30s.  Notes: Day six of the 12 days of Fluffmas!  Comments and reblogs fuel my writing, likes are appreciated. Thank you so much for reading, it’s appreciated and means the most.    **Tag list is done, please follow and turn on notifs for @wbslibrary​ **​

The doorbell startled you out of your thoughts, it had been a long day at work, and for some reason it was easier to zone out while washing yesterday’s dishes than it was to address your stress from work. A quick glance at your phone, and you smile—tonight’s dinner was earlier than expected. You open the door to see, not an uber eats delivery person, but your next-door neighbor. One Beau Simpson. He’s halfway off the stoop when you open the door, and he turns, a sheepish look on his face. “Sorry to disturb you.” His voice is low and quiet, and God, you could listen to him speak all day. “You’re just interrupting a hot date with Thai food and Netflix.”

“Ah, I’ll go then…” He pauses and turns to look at you once your words register. “Speaking of dinner.” He exhales, rubbing the back of his neck. “You already have plans. My apologies.”

“Beau, would you like to come in?” You open the door a bit wider. You had moved in next door a few months ago, and after your dog had dug up his tulips, and a shaky introduction, the two of you had become fast friends. Even if you wondered what it would take to make that well put together man to fall apart.

He steps inside, and you close the door behind him. “I’m sorry I’m usually more articulate than this.”

Oh no, he’s cute. There’s a slight blush to his cheeks and he’s decidedly not looking at you. “It’s alright. I can carry a conversation until the food comes, and then there’s a built-in thing to talk about.” He follows you into the kitchen, a few steps behind you. He’s in jeans and a cream sweater that’s just a little too big for his frame, but when he pushes up the sleeves you find yourself distracted once more.

You chat about work, sharing office gossip, filling him in on the latest scandals, and sharing a bit of the projects you’re working on. You smile, seeing that he’s listening, keeping up with the convoluted stories you tell him. Beau takes the bottle of wine from you, opening it, pouring two glasses, handing one to you. The doorbell rings again, and you trot down the hallway, voice rising as you go retrieve the food.

“Now, there’s no judgement for the amount of food I ordered.” You put the bags on the island. Beau starts opening them, and you grab chopsticks from a drawer, offering him a set. It’s comfortable and easy the two of you sharing food in the kitchen. He’s on one side of the island, you’re on the other and he's relaxed enough to share about his work. Granted, he couldn’t get overly detailed with his stories, but what he did tell you was exhilarating.

“You’re honestly telling me, one of these elite fighter pilots stole a pair of boxers from a fellow fighter pilot and ran them up the flagpole. And they had little roosters printed on them?” You’re laughing, and he's chuckling softly.

“His call sign is Rooster, so I’m assuming they found it fitting.”

“So, what’s your call sign, Admiral?”

“Cyclone.”

You could picture him when he was younger, full of spitfire and unbridled talent. There were glimpses of it, when he was playing football with his nephews. He wasn’t any less impressive now, older, a bit more reserved. If you squinted under the right light, you could see the younger man still there, just under the surface. “That sounds like trouble.”

He shakes his head, his smile easy, eyes mischievous. “Not at all. Perfect example of Navy discipline.”

“You are absolutely trouble; I feel it in my bones.” You can’t help but tease, liking the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. “What brings you over, Admiral, other than sharing pad see ew?”

“It’s Friday night, and we’re both home. Seemingly without plans.”

“I had a date,” you tease, “which you crashed. I have a very serious commitment with my Netflix queue.”

“There’s a night market, a farmer’s market type of thing.”

You watch, eyebrow arched as he picks at his nails. “The Bell Fest, right?” The fliers had been posted all over town. “Doesn’t seem like your kind of scene.”

“I do like to have fun.” He says. “I’m unable to go home this year, and my family and I’ve gone to the same one for years.” Beau clears his throat, “I was hoping that you’d be interested in going.”

“Are you asking me on a date?”

“I’m asking you to join me to the Bell Fest.” He says.

You hide your smile, sealing up the boxes of food, putting them in the fridge. “Well, we can’t miss with tradition, can we?” You close the refrigerator door, turning back to him. “You’re driving though.”

One of the city parks had been transformed into a winter wonderland, lit up by hundreds of strands of Christmas lights. Decorated trees, food trucks, vendors selling holiday wares, and holiday music pumped through speakers completed the atmosphere. Beau never rushed you as you drifted from booth to booth, wordlessly holding your bags as you found presents to give to friends and family.

“That is pretty.” His words brush against the shell of your ear. Beau is at your back, leaning over you to look at a necklace that caught your eye. A starburst pendant hung on a delicate chain, pretty, feminine. “You know there’s no rules about buying things for yourself.”

“I like giving gifts more.” You turn your head slightly, and he’s right there. You can smell his aftershave, the peppermint on his breath, the warmth from his body. It would take just centimeters to close the space between your mouths, and you step away.

“There’s a light maze!” You say, trying to ignore the pounding in your heart. “Do you want to try it? Tickets are on me.”

Beau studies you, a small smile on his features. “I’ll go put these in the car. Give me a few minutes.”

You nod, flashing a grin of your own in his direction before you’re heading to join the line for tickets. The maze is made up of towering evergreens strung with clear Christmas lights, and from the map you’re given in the center is a place to take photos. “All set?” You ask when Beau joins you again.

“I don’t see how this is easy.” You mutter when the two of you are faced with another dead end. “Your turn to navigate, Admiral.”

Beau takes the map, tracing over where you’ve been, looking up as though he can see through the walls of the maze. “This way.”

After a couple false starts, the two of you make your way to the center of the maze. Grasping his arm, you stare in wonder, a soft gasp falling from your mouth.  An arch of lights stands, surrounded by poinsettias and piles of fake snow. You look up at him, seeing the twinkle of the lights reflected in his eyes.

“Would you like a complimentary photo?” An attendant dressed as an elf approaches you.

“Shall we?” Beau stops halfway down the path to the arch, turning to you offering his hand.  You pass your phone over to the employee before taking his hand. Beau pulls you to his side, hold light, but you pressed a little closer. “Send that to me?” He asks once the elf returns your phone.

Time gets away from you, and before you know it, the two of you are side by side in the car. He pulls into his driveway, and you look at his profile, drinking in the play of light and shadows on his face. “Thank you.”

“It was fun.” Beau says, before he’s exiting the car. He comes around to your side, opening your door. “Thank you for indulging me.”

“I mean Netflix is an old standby, I’m getting a little bored with it to be honest.” You take the packages and bags from him with a grin. “It’s not often that I get to observe the traditions of the mysterious man who I live next door to.”

Beau laughs softly, and it’s a sound that you want to bottle up to keep on a shelf forever. “It’s late, I’ll make sure you get inside.”

“Goodnight.” You say, walking across the lawn to your own property. You unlock the door, flicking the porch lights on and off twice after you lock the door. Carefully your purchases on the table by the door, toeing off your shoes as your dog dances and weaves between your legs.

“I know, I know, you need to potty.” You mutter patting her head. When you straighten there’s a heaviness in your jacket pocket. “Come on, baby girl.” You call to the dog, walking down the hallway, pulling a small cardboard envelope from your pocket.

Written on the outside in neat, crisp lettering “sorry for ruining your date.  –Beau.” Your fingers shake as you open the parcel, finding the necklace that you had admired. His phone number is written on the inside flap of the package.

You snap a photo, making sure the necklace is on display, sending it to him in a message. “If you’re not busy next Friday, drinks? I think Netflix just dumped me.”

/end

[donnerpartyofone]

.

When I was little, in one of the earliest grades I forget which, my teacher sent me home with a note for my parents explaining that I was probably intellectually disabled and they should have me evaluated. The reason was that I was having an inordinate amount of trouble cutting and pasting. I'm sure the fact that I didn't talk and other kids treated me like a plague carrier contributed to this casual diagnosis. As my father tells it, he and my mom kind of freaked out about the possibility that they had a retarded child, and booked an IQ test for me. The legend goes that I tested higher than my mother, who had scored pretty high already, and it turned out the whole thing had been a misunderstanding; I was so shy that I always got stuck with left-handed scissors, because there was never enough of everything for the whole class, and I just never told anyone I needed something that I probably wasn't going to get. So therefore all my cutting and pasting efforts looked pretty "retarded". Ha ha ha. But I think that my parents' initial reaction to the note, that they thought it was completely possible that I was handicapped, is telling. I used to think about this anecdote in terms of how painfully introverted I've always been, but as a full grown adult I often wonder if my life could have been different if I had been put in special education. I'm just really, really incapable of things that my peers seem to do easily. Just now I was trying to organize something, and I even looked up the answer I needed (I typically use a calculator for even basic addition and subtraction, and look everything up online because whenever I just trust myself something gets ruined), and basically all I needed to know was whether or not 2 was greater than 10, and I just could not wrap my head around it, and actually I should have known the answer to my problem immediately because it was the same answer I already had for a different but related problem, but instead of just connecting the dots I started from scratch and got it wrong. And I didn't even know I had it wrong until I moronically said my conclusion out loud and someone else had to say "Ummm..." And I remember the last time I did this exact type of thing wrong, too. And on it goes. I don't know what the fuck to do with my life. I'm really fucking stupid, but you're not even allowed to admit that or someone accuses you of being negative or hard on yourself or some other thing that gives them permission to not listen to you and go on believing that life is equally great for everyone and we're all filled with the same limitless potential. It's painful to hear people tell me that secretly I'm actually smart when I don't produce any evidence and I don't reap any of the benefits. I usually go to the same allegory I use in response to the idea of being "beautiful in my own way", that saying I'm really smart when I can't do anything smart people do is like telling me I have a million dollars in the bank, just for some reason no one will take my money. I honestly think that, a lot of the time, people just assume I'm smart because I'm dorky and awkward and wear glasses and say a lot of adjectives. But I've never done anything in my life that would prove to someone that I'm smart and I struggle with the most humiliating concepts and operations all the time. I barely even got through college. It's just not there.

I feel constantly misunderstood by people, it's the whole reason I write, to try to become articulate enough to be understood, but after experiencing the same thing over and over again I think I have it inside out. I'm constantly struggling to get anyone to acknowledge or agree with what I'm saying because I'm way behind everybody else. I think it must be me who doesn't understand what anybody else is saying. That's a more rational explanation and I have to remind myself of it next time I find myself compulsively reiterating something that left everyone else scratching their head. I'm always wrong, and things have happened to me in my life that could only have happened to someone really fucking stupid. And like that would be fine if there were something for me to do. If there were some sort of halfway house I could get admitted to, or some sort of jail for stupidity. Sometimes I fantasize about like a commune I could go to where I can just do really basic manual labor like farming, and just eat what comes out of that, and just stay in my little cell all the time and be contained by having a stable routine and only one place to go. But of course any situation like that winds up turning into Jonestown or Willowbrook or whatever. Eventually I'll do something so stupid it will kill me and I'll win a Darwin award or something, but the more pressing issue is that my stupidity contributes to my emotional dysfunction. It's agonizing to be stupid, to be beneath everything you care about and admire and would like to do, and then you become hard to be around because having emotional problems is a bad quality that makes people dislike and avoid you (and who could blame them). And because I'm an intellectually-oriented person, like culturally and such, my stupidity becomes the defining characteristic of my existence. It would be OK if I were "sweet and dumb", or a dumb jock, or a sexy bimbo, or if I had a goal in life that was more material and sentiment-oriented like being a really great mom. But I don't have any of those co-components going on, only the dumb part, and you can't do anything with dumbness. It doesn't have a silver lining or a useful byproduct. It's incredibly destructive actually. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself, and I don't want to do anything of the things I'm doing now. There just aren't any options for someone like me.

[rottenbrainstuff]

As I think more about attending the comic convention in the spring,

I’ve realized I have a strong and unpopular opinion….

I think there should be less audience questions at guest panels.

I’d really really rather just hear the actor talk for forty minutes about what they want to talk about and maybe answer two or three short questions at the very end, than listen to endless answers to questions I’ve heard the actor answer already in some interview or other, listen to weirdly personal and slightly uncomfortable questions, or listen to just weirdly weird questions in general where it’s not really clear what even is being asked.

The only Q&A I ever remember enjoying listening to was in a round-about way anyways and that was Carrie Fischer’s panel. She was asked the weirdest most awkward questions that I can remember a guest ever being asked, by fans who were clearly having trouble articulating their thoughts. I’m not really sure why Carrie Fischer specifically had so many questions like this compared to other guests. Odd, that. Anyways, she had the most awkward questions I’ve ever heard, but she answered each one with amazing patience and intelligence and wit. It was really impressive, made me respect her.

I still would have probably preferred to just listen to her tell the stories she wanted to tell, but I was quite impressed at her handling of the questions. That’s the only time I can remember ever enjoying a question session.

The very worst example I can think of is Jon Rhys-Davies. He came to my city for the first time about… oh… I don’t know, 15 years ago. He did one of the most amazing panels I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I wish I could remember more of it, but it was about 15 years ago. I just remember leaving thinking how lucky I was to hear it and how inspired I felt. There was no moderator and I don’t think he took any questions. He spent the whole time telling the audience stories about young people, inspiration, following dreams, and astronomy. It was so interesting and so funny and so inspiring and I had no idea he was such a smart and funny guy. I was so glad my oldest daughter was attending with me at the time and got to hear him talk.

A few years later he was back in my city and I thought awesome! I will DEFINITELY go hear him talk again. I sat down, he came out, he said hello, and said well, I’ve been told I prattle on too much, so! Let’s just go straight to audience questions! And he spend the entire time responding to questions. And I mean. He was still smart, he was still funny. But forty minutes of responding to the same old trivia questions I’ve already heard before was just… man. Not the same at all, not at all. I was so sad.

I’d really love to attend Neil Newbon’s panel whenever it is but mannnnnn…. I am honestly dreading what kind of weird uncomfortable questions the audience is going to ask. I am seeing so much bizarre discourse in the fandom and it makes me uncomfortable listening to other people get dragged into this kind of junk… I wish I could just listen to the guests talk. Or maybe I wish they would do for everyone what they did for Sigorney Weaver when she was here, and questions were submitted online ahead of time, and a few were selected to be answered at the panel.

Anyway. Grumpy old lady complaints. Whatever.

[herbeloveve]

I want to hear your thoughts about Eve ❤

helloooooo <3 okay eve <3 my beloved eve <3

i so wish i could be articulate when talking about her but this is just going to be words thrown into a blender (my brain) and thrown up (typed here)

i will also admit that, while i adore villanelle with my whole self also, i will always give eve extra love and attention bc i feel she was massively failed in season 3.

reasons why she was failed:

niko had more of a storyline

screentime ???? where did she go ????

an entire episode without her in it???? cmon now.. did we forget the show was called killing EVE

i can count on one hand how many scenes felt like eve

to avoid this turning into a s3 rant....... i will tell you about my fav s3 eve scene

this one right here ..... admit it eve, i cant stop thinking about you.

this scene felt like i was coming back home again in the best way possible. i wish i could feel how i did the first time watching because i was honestly taken aback by eve's reaction.

even now, when i think about it, it feels so romantic, so undeniably villaneve. the moment she closed her eyes, i could feel her sinking back into old habits. and of course, she would, eve can't help herself- she truly is one of those characters who acts first and thinks later and never considers the consequences.

even before this scene, she is reckless and she knows it. even when she makes.... good, still questionable, but good, decisions, it gets her into trouble and i Love that about her. for example, the final scene of 208, she knows that villanelle is being delusional, she herself may also be delusional, but she still walks away and it almost gets her killed.

do i think that would change her perspective on villanelle? no i actually think it proves that she was right. which is why s3 eve makes no sense to me

this is getting Long and i apologise so i am going to go now but if you have follow-up questions, pls let me know! eve is my favourite topic, i love living inside her brain

[morlock-holmes]

This is a really interesting article.

It kind of ties in to something I've been thinking lately, which is that certain kinds of paranoia and skepticism paradoxically make you MORE vulnerable to scams.

The woman who wrote this has trouble articulating how she could have been so gullible, but I wonder if this is part of it:

"If I had nothing to do with any of these allegations, how much could they truly affect me? I thought of an old This American Life episode about a woman whose Social Security card was stolen. No matter how many times she closed her bank accounts and opened new ones, her identity thief kept draining them, destroying her credit and her sanity. (It turned out to be her boyfriend.) I remembered another story about a man who got stuck on a no-fly list after his personal information was used by a terrorist group. It dawned on me that being connected to major federal offenses, even falsely, could really fuck up my life."

The script for this particular con relies on Paranoia and the feeling that the bureaucracies around you are so opaque and hostile that maybe the insane world that the scammer is insisting on could be true. If you believe that bureaucracies are all corrupt, arbitrary and destructive by nature then, well, isn't it possible that they really WOULD freeze your account if you don't cooperate?

The scammer tells this woman (And variations on this script are at least as old as the telephone, probably older) "You can't trust anybody around you, only me. And you can't really trust me either; if you don't cooperate, I'll use my authority to really screw up your life in ways that nobody will be able to help you with, or if you cooperate I can get you out of this"

The more faith you have in your fellow man, and the more you conceive of bureacracy as operating according to sensible, understandable principles, the harder it is to pull this scam on you. The moment you say, "I'm hanging up on you and calling an official number on a real government website so I know for sure who I'm talking to" the scam is over and done, so the scammers make you think you could get in trouble if you do that. They need you to think that the bureacracy is so corrupt/arbitrary/dangerous/etc that it might actually punish you for doing something that sensible.

I doubt anybody reading this needs to know this, but it can't hurt to remind ourselves out loud that no bureacracy will actually punish you for hanging up and calling back on a number that you know to be valid.

I say some kind of paranoia because, honestly, the government also uses these tactics against suspects. Basically anybody talking to you like this, trying to make you think that checking in with someone outside the scammer's control would be a disaster is trying to scam you, even if they do work for the government.

what is going on at NY magazine

[yanderecandystore]

hellu, can I request how would Delinquents, teachers, and bullies react to female reader pepper-sprayed the twins for self-defense when they try to beat up reader?

Hello, it's been a while, I'm sorry it took so long- I've been dealing with a lot of school assignments and I can't lie that I have frequent breakdowns over this-

I'll try and upload the requests that I already have and see if I should open up for requests again, or leave it be closed until the waves of work I need to do gets less overwhelming.

I hope y'all are doing great, stay safe everyone.

I'll make this a very short scenario boo.

TW: this is basically a civil war at this point- // for each pair, I'll add a different context (since technically the delinquents aren't from the same institution as the bullies) // female reader // bullying // self defense // anxiety // bullying (verbal and physical) // mentions of stalker behavior and brief mentions of distrust and paranoia

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Triple Spice combo [Yandere!Teachers / Yandere!Delinquents / Yandere!Bullies x F!Reader - Scenario]:

🎇Let me set the stage for a quick sec!🎇

So I'll explain what will happen- This is basically a post with three different timelines, each one based on each character type you're more interested in (example: you want some sour delinquents? You can follow the delinquent timeline and see how they react). Each follows almost similar circumstances, but still a bit differently to be able to fit for each individual timeline.

Come with me boo cause this one is long!

🎆: 🍒Bully's Timeline🍭

You have been the target of bullying for some weeks now, ever since you crossed some rich kids while going to your college. Unfortunately for you, they seem to be heading to the same location as you, apparently they also studied there- Although it should have been quite obvious. You're not the type to confront people physically, and you don't really feel like capable of fighting people of on your own, but because with their constant presence in your life you started to feel the need to get yourself prepared for what was going to come- Especially since you didn't feel like you could count on anyone.

You bought pepper spray in hopes of being able to stop your tormentors from continuing with their sick game.

That's when the incident happened, you were minding your own business when they came looking for trouble. You took the opportunity to finally put a stop on this by spraying their eyes with it.

✳️🍒Bullies🍭:

→ Alexandra Coldwell:

It was so fast and so painful that she couldn't even understand what just happened- Like- How dare you?! How fucking dare you?!! You think this is funny? This wasn't supposed to happen at all!

"- AAAAH!- what?- OH MY GOD-" Alexandra wasn't able to even finish her sentence, the pain was too much for her to handle. As she dropped to the ground trying to clean her eyes out, she couldn't help but feel confused as to what had even happened.

How could you do something so cruel to her?? Yes, she followed you, bullied you, made rumours about you, pulled your hair a couple of times and maybe she did throw insults towards you- But she didn't try to blind you!!

The worst part isn't even the humiliation she is going through, it's the fact you thought you would be able to pull a stunt like this and go away without any scars- She is so, absolutely livid by your stupidity.

Alexandra knows you must be liking this- And you know what? Enjoy your last free moments cause she will make sure you'll pay for it. She'll make sure to have a proper revenge under her sleeve, a proper punishment for harming someone like her in public.

Darling, darling, I hope you start looking behind your back from now on, never know what could happen when the person who is obsessed with you is just as insanely pissed off as they're madly in love with you.

→ Adrien Coldwell:

It was so fast and so painful that he couldn't even understand what just happened- Like- How dare you?! How fucking dare you?!! You think this is funny? This wasn't supposed to happen at all!

"- What- Oh my God I'm DYING!-" Adrien would be a lot more dramatic about it, even if he can articulate in great detail how much it hurts. In his panicked state, he started trying to wipe the substance with his sleeves- Which only helped to spread it more.

How fucking dare you not only hurt his precious eyes but also humiliate him on public like this?! What has gotten into you?? Yeah- I guess he did say hurtful stuff, followed you around to torment you, did throw stuff at you- But ya know- He didn't try to take your eyeballs out!?? Now that he thinks about it, he probably should have.

Adrien has a very weird view on your "relationship"- He thinks you're above him and so he must push you down, he loves you but being gentle with you will leave you to pull this kind of shit.

You're probably laughing to yourself now, the man is temporarily blind and you are laughing at him, you're somehow worse than he thought.

Still, he'll make you pay for it, don't worry about it dearest- You're fucked regardless. You tried to stand against him and now sadly he'll have to put you in your place again. Don't worry, it won't be so early- He still needs to prepare his plan.

Darling, darling, I hope you start looking behind your back from now on, never know what could happen when the person who is obsessed with you is just as insanely pissed off as they're madly in love with you.

🎆: 🍎Teacher's Timeline📕

You have been the target of bullying for some weeks now, ever since you crossed some rich kids while going to your college. Unfortunately for you, they seem to be heading to the same location as you, apparently they also studied there- Although it should have been quite obvious. You're not the type to get physical when it comes to defending yourself, but you felt that you still needed to do something about it- You talked with the only person you could trust in this moment, since they were your mentor and you needed some guidance from someone that could potentially help you solve this out.

Their idea was to be able to personally see the harassment happening so they could have visual proof of who is doing what to you, hopefully being able to expel the ones causing you harm.

They personally gave you pepper spray in hopes that if they aren't near you to help you, you can at least defend yourself in some way.

That's when the incident happened, you were minding your own business when they came looking for trouble. You took the opportunity to finally put a stop on this by spraying their eyes with it.

✳️🍎Teachers📕:

→ Matthew Robinson:

Although you thought to be in a situation where no one would be able to help you- Causing you to use your only item of self-defense- That couldn't have been further from the truth, as Matthew has made sure to pay close attention to you after you came by and ask for his guidance. It was a call for help and he would have been a horrible mentor to not make sure you'll follow his instructions, and it seemed like you did perfectly fine.

He got to be present to not only see the ones causing you harm, but also to see how well you're able to take care of yourself. He was going to intervene as soon as he saw them come closer, but you managed to stop them all by yourself- Honestly he is very proud of you for being able to stand your ground.

Since Matthew was able to see them starting the aggression just like many other witness surrounding the scene, he felt like he had an argument strong enough to be able to properly punish your bullies- Of course he is aware that the Coldwells have a reputation for getting staff members fired for trying to reprimanding them, but honestly he has been inside this place long enough already.

Getting fired isn't his problem, his problem is not being able to give them what they deserve for frightening you, and even worse than that: He needed to make sure you would stay safe in and out of college- You came to him saying they were following you outside of your classes, so of course he'll be worried for your safety.

After expelling the Coldwells, Matthew will just need to find a way of keeping you safe and under his surveillance, you may need more guidance after all, and it would be extremely worrying to not have you by his side. He just needs to plan out a better schedule for you two, one where he can be more present in your life after you're done with your classes.

I wonder what plan comes to his mind.

→ Madeline Allen:

Although you thought to be in a situation where no one would be able to help you- Causing you to use your only item of self-defense- That couldn't have been further from the truth, as Madeline has made sure to pay close attention to you after you came by and ask for her guidance. Madeline has been following you while you walked through the school's halls as she recorded every interaction you had with any of the other students. After you called her for help she entered full protection mode, she was set on getting your tormentors expelled.

However, Madeline hasn't been inside the institution to be able to earn the trust of the other teachers, or even the principal themselves- She needed some evidence and better witness testimony than those from students who were terrified of getting in trouble with the bullies around this place. You could say she had a guess as to who could be causing you trouble but she wouldn't be allowed to take action unless she could prove their identity and involvement in bullying you.

She gave you the pepper spray hoping you would feel less worried, to feel calmer in knowing you had not only something that you could use against them but also to symbolize how she would be there for you if you needed. Seeing you using it for the first time as you spray in the eyes of the culprits made her realize that she was in fact correct. Of course it's them, right?

If there is something wrong happening in Amaryllis, you can almost always pin it for being the Coldwell's fault. Bullying it's probably the least surprising thing this little demons have been accused of- Still, their rein over this institution and your worried little mind ends today, she doesn't care if she lost her job or if they try ruining her life by blackmailing her and such-

They can try but she is pretty sure they won't have any luck finding her, what can I say, she is good at burning evidence. What worries her though it's what will happen to you if they ever try to take their frustrations out on you again. She can't allow that to happen, you'll end up getting hurt and she'll feel awful if it was because of her interference in the case.

You need her help after all, right? You did come to her asking for guidance, and clearly you know nothing about physical self-defense- You clearly need someone to take care of you dearest. She needs to plan this out carefully, not only so the twins aren't allowed in school's grounds but to hopefully be able to guide you even if she is not your teacher anymore. But how could she have you near her everyday after classes?

I wonder what plan comes to her mind.

🎆: 🍋Delinquent's Timeline🐍

You have been the target of bullying for some weeks now, ever since you crossed some rich kids while going to your college. Fortunately for you, they didn't seem to go the same college as you did- Yet what you should have known was that nothing in life could have been so simple, you would still see them again over and over again after that incident. You started to feel anxious knowing that they were probably stalking you to know exactly when and where to find you, and since you already have to deal with going to a horrible institution and fearing for your own safety everyday.

You bought pepper spray so you could defend yourself not only from your stalkers but also from any possible classmate that could end up trying something weird with you.

That's when the incident happened, you were minding your own business when they came looking for trouble. You took the opportunity to finally put a stop on this by spraying their eyes with it.

✳️🍋Delinquents🐍:

→ Jackson Macnee:

He doubts you noticed that he was there when that happened, he doubts that you even care if he is staring at you at all- He always thought you were probably too scared of him to even tell him to stop, most people aren't scared of his appearance but are at least aware of his title, so they at least respect the path he walks. He is already used to this.

But let me tell you, to see the Coldwells come so near his territory seemed pretty interesting at first- Until he discovered why they were dumb enough to come here. He didn't know you were being bullied, let alone by these brats- He did notice you had changed your behavior recently, although he didn't pay any attention to it because he thought you were just getting accustomed with the way things work around Saint's Bernard hellhole of a place.

He was hoping that maybe you were just having issues with settling in- It is a rough place after all, and although he wishes deep down to be able to help you feel stronger he still feels like he shouldn't make you do something you don't want to. If you wished to talk to him, you should just go straight to him (even if he is aware of how terrifying that could be).

However, Jack was so far from the truth. His assumptions were confirmed fake after he saw the twins Coldwell treat you like he treated him- It was unbearable to watch, it was like he was seeing his past collide with his present self, you were reminding him of all the things he hated about himself, while also bringing his blood to boil in a desperate need to help you out. Yet he didn't need to do anything about it, you managed to defend yourself on your own.

It wasn't as rewarding to watch as he wanted it to be, but you sure did crack their ego pretty badly- He shouldn't have doubted you, after all he has been stalking you for so long, he should have known what you were capable of doing. Still, he doesn't trust the Coldwells enough to just let them run away like that, they would probably come back soon.

In the meantime, this should be a good excuse to get to talk with you, right? You clearly need some actual training, some flimsy pepper spray bottle isn't going to stop them from coming back. I hope you're ready to be trained by a lovesick delinquent, he won't be soft until he knows you can stand on your own.

→ Jannette Sartorius

She doubts you noticed that she was there when that happened, she doubts that you even care if she is staring at you at all- She always thought you were probably too scared of her to even tell her to stop, most people are scared of her. She is trying to get used to it.

Janette thinks she has every reason to observe you from afar, you're beautiful and you seem too precious to be in a place as horrible as this one, it must suck a lot for you to be somewhere like this-Seeing people like her.

She considered calling you to join her gang, but she is sure that you'll probably deny the offer- Physical confrontation was never your thing right? She can respect that.

Although you don't talk with her, or even interact with the other students at all, she did notice you were acting a bit more- Reclusive these days. Something was wrong, and sadly she would have to find out about it way too late.

Janette didn't know the twins personally, she knew they were rich and famous but- Yeah, she didn't really care about knowing anything about them, they're just some pretty faces amongst the others in the fashion industry. She does envy them a little bit, but tries to avoid anything relating to them since she feels self-conscious looking at their pictures. Now she has a new reason to hate their porcelain faces, they were stalking you.

They were stalking you and taunting you, and if you didn't do anything to stop them she would have already jumped in. They were alone, and honestly she doubts they have any idea of how to go one on one with someone- There is no way these brats have any experience in fighting, right?

Well, she didn't get to know that since they ran away after you sprayed their faces with pepper spray, clever girl.

She knows this is probably not the end of this, they did threaten to come back and hurt you for defending yourself. But you know- She doesn't plan on letting that happen, not again. Consider yourself lucky cause now you just got a new best friend who I set on protecting you.

Is there something wrong with that? Aren't you happy with being her friend? Well, you could just go to "girlfriends" if that's what you want- She wouldn't mind it at all.

Janette prefers to take care of you without you having to watch her beat someone's ass- But she could teach you a few things if you wished to, hey, spending time with someone so cool it's always nice, so of course she'll take every chance she can to spend as much time with you as possible.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter seventeen - “wouldn’t dream of it”

delicate masterlist

word count: 4.7k

synopsis: reader has a strange dream that ends up bringing on a cascade of various events and feelings.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

A/N: feel free to drop any opinions/thoughts/predictions below (or in my asks if u wanna be anonymous!!)

She would have woken up from a night's sleep saturated with regret... if she had slept a wink. She spent the night tossing and turning, and at about five in the morning, the pursuit of rest was abandoned.

Forcefully and exasperatedly, she sat straight up, glaring at the clock and letting the blanket pool around her waist. Y/N had her weekly meeting with Shuri at nine o'clock... that meant four hours to kill. More like four more hours of trudging through thoughts, memories, questions, and fears surrounding the previous day. Four more hours of ruminating over Bucky Barnes. This seemed to become a reoccurring activity her life.

She stared at the wall, thinking about how before, there was at least the excuse of being drunk: maybe not completely knowing what she was doing, maybe not remembering something correctly. But they were sober this time... she was sober. And what struck her was that, when it happened, when he kissed her, there was no moment of initial startle. There was no surprise jerk back or woah-what-are-you-doing response. Their bodies just fell into form. She just fell into form. Like it was an instinct. Like they were both used to it, and had done it a number of times before.

She wasn't sure what shocked her more: the fact that he kissed her or the fact that she kissed him back. Was he being bold? Or did she lead him on? Had she been leading him on? He wouldn't have done it on his own account, right? She had a degree of difficulty in believing she was wanted. Truly.

She could've sworn that she wasn't this emotionally invested. She could've sworn that if she couldn't control what she was feeling, she could at least control what she was doing. She rubbed her eyes, wondering where she went so wrong. It probably happened at some point during the isolated time she had been spending with Bucky in a secret corner of the world, not minding the least bit that she had been away from home and work for months whilst working on a project hardly anyone else was even aware of.

Even with all this in mind, she didn't seem to care. She didn't really mind that she hadn't been home in ages, it didn't really bother her that she might be in trouble when she gets back for helping enemy of the state Sharon Carter, runaway fugitive Steve Rogers, or war criminal James Buchanan Barnes. Because every time she thought about the consequences, it just didn't seem to matter more than what was keeping her in Wakanda... Besides, she guessed Bucky would probably be pardoned and after everything settled down, who would pay any attention to her? It's not like she mattered in the grand scheme.

As soon as that very thought arose, she could hear Bucky's voice scolding her in the back of her head. Why was he always there?

Frustrated, she groaned into the air in front of her. Her feelings were so confusing, she wasn't even sure what exactly it was she felt towards Bucky. On one hand, she felt fiercely protective over him: she'd go down fighting before she'd let anyone lay a hand on him, prepared to stay in his corner forever, ready on defense.

But at the same time, she felt this ineffable sense of warmth for him. Like one look at the way his eyes crinkle when he smiled, and she'd turn soft as water. Like being in his vicinity smoothed out the rough around her edges.

And if all this wasn't enough, now she had been touched by him, she had felt his lips and the gentleness in his skin. This brought a cascade of new feelings, ones she knew she had to hide. It... was definitely a problem. She knew, don't get her wrong, she knew it was a problem. As much as she understood this irrefutable fact, the numbness in her lips just wouldn't go away. He had remained with her even hours later. She couldn't get rid of his heartbeat; it was still in her hand. She could still feel him.

Basically, she knew this most recent development was an issue. She knew it was bad, wrong, worrisome, and whatever else. And knowing this, recognizing the very hot water she was in, the only thing she could focus on was trying to ignore the recurrent desire to be near him, to find him and be close to him.

"Fuck."

She plopped back down on her back and elected to cast a burning glare at the ceiling until she had to get ready for her meeting.

—

"I think it might be too hot for this," she complained with a smile on her face.

"It was your idea," he said, a few steps ahead of her, "and we're almost there, so buck up."

She laughed. He smiled at the sound.

"What?" he asked.

"You said buck up. Like Buck... Bucky. Like you."

He just looked at her, amused. Sun kissed and happy.

"It's fitting," she shrugged, grinning.

"Guess so. Hurry up, slow poke. You're gonna fall behind."

"I'm already behind," she huffed . "Your super soldier legs are too fast for me."

"Well," he stopped short and she finally caught up, standing right beside him, "we're here. So worry not."

He looked over at her to find her already looking at him. Funny how their eyes always found each other like that.

"What?" he asked again, not able to help how the corners of his mouth turned up just slightly.

"Nothin.’ Everything," she shrugged. "You."

Perhaps she just liked looking at him. Him and his long hair and light eyes. Was that such a crime? His skin looked caramelized under the sun. She wanted to reach out and touch him.

"You're a real peach, y'know that?" he smirked.

She looked away, pretending to find the grass around them spectacularly interesting while hiding a dopey smile at his compliment.

"Hey, doll face. I'm a lot more fun than the grass, I swear," he teased. "Lemme see my favorite face."

"Hold on." She got an idea.

She reached down beside her and plucked a flower from the soil.

"A little hibiscus," she smiled, tucking the small flower behind his ear. God, he was just so pretty.

She stood back, satisfied with her decor. She sighed, content. How couldn't she be? She was looking at two of the most beautiful things. Flowers and Bucky.

As soon as it was securely in place, Bucky bent down to pick the hibiscus that sat right next to the one Y/N chose. Mirroring her actions, he placed it behind her ear.

"A little hibiscus," he repeated fondly, "for a real peach!"

She didn't dare try to hide the next dopey grin while taking in the sight before her, of Bucky beaming in the sunlight with a flower in his hair. Looking at this, she understood why mankind began to paint. Why there needed to be someway to capture something as precious as this, some method of preserving something so idyllic and beautiful and pure and perfect.

Perfect like the cool, fresh water of the lake. Their lake. Their place. The flowing, breathing water she felt around her waist. They floated around, her and Bucky, as light as air in that lake.

The two were weightless, adoration suspended in animation. The water preserved the feeling of feather light kisses and chests pressed together and hands beginning to roam. If only she could be closer to him. Her fingers in his hair and his palms on either side of her face wasn't enough. She needed more. More, more, more of him.

Skin is so soft and the sun is so warm and soon enough, the water was up to her shoulders as his arms ran up her back. Arms plural, she noticed. He held her with both, protectively enclosing the longing feeling between them.

"Oh, fucking hell!" Y/N sprang up, throwing the blanket off of her.

She must've fallen asleep... and began to dream... She could imagine if her brain was a person, it'd be laughing at her for that.

Why? Why? What was the reason for this? There was no point! How frustrating! How embarrassing that her mind betrayed her with dreams of him.

"God damn it," she swore under her breath.

She wanted to angrily shake her fist in the air like vengeful cartoon character, as she got out of bed and headed towards her wardrobe.

It was 8 a.m. One hour until her meeting with Shuri. She would spend the time changing her outfit until it was distracting enough to draw her attention away from thoughts of that damn lake... and his damn hands...

—

"My friend!" Shuri greeted in her usual upbeat manner. "How are you? How are things?"

There was absolutely no way to answer this honestly.

"I'm doin' well. Same old, same old. How 'bout you?"

"Good as always," she smiled. "Thank you."

Y/N took a seat at one of the tables in Shuri's lab. "So how is T'Challa doing with Nakia?"

"Oh, who knows these days! He is so awkward, I have no idea!"

They both laughed. Y/N was glad she and Shuri were able to talk like this. They weren't just robotic colleagues who only communicated when they needed to. They were partners, and they worked well together.

The meeting commenced like it did every other week. Updates on Bucky's progress, new ideas or adjustments to treatment or planning, going over scans or data, you name it. But this time, she had something else in mind. Something that a dream reminded her of. She had mentioned maybe getting her hands on a prosthetic for Bucky. She wasn’t familiar with the prosthetics industry in Wakanda, but they could probably make something work.

Was that too much? Did she care too much? Was she showing too much regard for him? Was this too much to ask of her?

"Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when I talked about prosthetics?"

"Of course," Shuri smiled. She genuinely enjoyed her partner - her partner who was intelligent, confident, and articulate but still sometimes sounded shy. "You wanna see what I've been working on?"

"You... you ordered one? I didn't-"

"Oh, no. Not ordered. Just you wait," she said, pulling out a drawer to dig amongst papers. "I've been workin' my magic."

Shuri pulled out a manilla folder that had W.W. - Proj. 1 printed on it.

She dropped the folder in front of the psychologist who sat across from her, gesturing for her to look through it. Y/N opened it to see several pages of prosthetics research, information on cybernetics and various designs for a bionic arm.

"Oh... wow." Y/N marveled.

"What do you think?"

"It's incredible," Y/N shook her head. "I didn't- ... I thought you meant you bought one or something. I didn't know you designed one"

"I didn't just design it. I made it."

"You- what?"

"Yep. First model ready for use. Do you want to see it?"

"I'd love to."

Shuri walked her over to a large, rectangular case in the side of the lab.

"Holy shit," she let slip.

The arm was astounding: a glossy black with ridges etched in a shiny gold. It glimmered, sitting in its casing.

Shuri laughed. Thank you."

"Sorry. Excuse my French. This is... remarkable. Can I give it to him?"

"I suppose so. It hasn't got much use just sitting in my lab."

Excitement grew in her chest. Bucky would be able to have an arm he was in control of, one that wasn't forcefully attached to him and used as a weapon. In a way, he would be gaining a sense of autonomy. God, she wanted to see him right away and tell him the news. She was happy to make Bucky happy.

"Oh," Shuri perked her head up. "And there was something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"Yeah, what's up?"

"You're aware of the trigger words, correct?"

"Of course."

"I'm close to fully deconstructing the mind control, but there's no way to know for sure unless we test it out..."

Oh. The excitement dissipated and her stomach dropped. She didn't mean...

"You don't mean..."

"The effect and response of the words needs to be tested on him."

Oh God. There was no way this would be easy.

"And you need to be the one to do it."

Fuck.

"Me?" she tried to hide her shock, her worry, her now overwhelming urge to protect him. "How come?"

"It seems like he trusts you most out of everyone here. I consulted with the Doras about safety and we think that if something were to go wrong, it'd be safest to happen with you. Of course they'll be nearby, but you'd be the one mostly likely to be able to control him in that state."

Her mouth went dry. Control him? She could never. She would never. She knew, in depth, the anguish he carried in his bones as a result of being trapped as a weapon wielded by other people. The thought of her controlling him made her skin crawl.

She knew how much he feared the Winter Soldier and how he would hate losing touch with himself again. He's been free from this kind of violation for a while now; she had very much rather not take that freedom away.

At the same time, she understood how this test was necessary for a full recovery and rehabilitation. And who knows if the words will even work? Maybe she'll say them and nothing will even happen.

He would have to get over this obstacle in order to make it to the other side clean. She could only imagine how scary this would be for him. But she'd be damned if she wasn't going to be right there with him.

"Okay," she said dryly. "When... when are we gonna do this?"

"Not yet but soon. I'll keep you updated."

The rest of the meeting carried on as usual, but Y/N might as well have not even been there. Her mind was off. Off somewhere trying to think of how to tell Bucky the news. The very last thing in the world she wanted to do was hurt him. She'd take his place if she could.

—

As soon as she was free from the calm, professional facade she had going with Shuri, she found herself speed walking back to where Bucky was. She needed to get to him. Now.

When his hut was in sight, she was nervous. She was nervous before, she supposed. She just wanted everything to be okay.

"Buck," she called, a few steps away from the entryway. "I need to talk to you!"

When she stepped inside she froze in place, staring blankly at the two super soldiers in front of her instead of the one she expected. Two as in Bucky and Steve.

"Y/N," Bucky stood up. He sounded surprised.

"Oh-uh," she stuttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I can come back later."

"That's okay," Steve's voice was gentle. "I'll leave you... to it."

Steve threw Bucky a look she couldn't quite decipher before he left. Bucky just looked panicked.

And soon enough they were alone. They stood directly in front of each other, but with a noticeably awkward amount of space between them. The tiny part of her brain that was still mulling over the dream wanted him closer.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey..."

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," she breathed. "It's uh... there's kind of a lot."

"Look, about yesterday, I-"

Oh. She completely forgot about that. Well, not completely. There was no way she could forget that. But, at the moment there were more pressing matters on her mind.

"It's not about yesterday."

"It's...not?"

"No. I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Uh... bad news?"

She took a steady breath in. She wasn't sure exactly how to tell him, she just knew he needed to know. He deserved nothing but the truth.

"So, I was just with Shuri and we discussed the next step in your treatment..."

He said nothing, waiting for the aforementioned "bad news." She continued.

"Apparently, we have to test the trigger words on you..."

His expression dropped and she watched all the color drain from his face.

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't wanna do it, but we have to do it to see if it's really outta your head."

"Yeah, that's the problem," he finally spoke. "What if it's not? Then I hurt someone - or multiple people. There's gotta be some other way to test it."

"You're not going to hurt anyone. Or multiple people."

"How can you say that?"

"It's just gonna be the two of us."

"What?!"

"Shuri thought the safest way of doing this was for me to conduct the test. That way, if things ever got out of hand, which is very unlikely to happen, I'd be the best bet at... handling... that situation. Since you know me the best."

"No way. There's no way. I thought you meant they were gonna strap me down and have some lab tech read them. This is way too unsafe-"

"Strap you down? Bucky, no-"

He still saw himself as an animal that needed to be contained. Muzzled.

"What if I hurt you?" his voice shook just a little.

The fear in his eyes was potent. It made her angry. Angry at Hydra and whoever the fuck else had a hand in this sin against the kind and gentle man who stood before her. The man who was genuinely scared of himself. How dare they make him feel so unsafe within his own mind, within his own body. All she wanted to do was make it better, and suddenly, she could no longer stand for the distance between them. She stepped forward and grasped his hand between both of hers.

"I trust you, Buck," she smiled a small but earnest smile, letting him know that she truly was here for him. "Entirely. I promise. Okay?"

He nodded, still reluctant and entirely scared.

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"I do. I trust you, I do," he cast his glance downwards, almost in shame. "It's myself I don't trust."

Her chest twisted with an emotion difficult to place. Mostly, it was the desire to take every ounce of pain away. She wished she could just snap her fingers and make it fade into nothing.

"That's okay," she said.

He looked back up at her, confused.

"You don't have to trust yourself. That's hard enough as it is and Hydra didn't make it any easier. You just trust me, alright? I'm the one reading the words, so, even though I'd hate it, if you were to be... activated... you'd be listening to me not trying to fight me," she squeezed his hand. "And I will not let anything happen to you."

"I'm not worried about me..."

She knew. She was not stupid; she knew that Bucky was separate from the Winter Soldier and that theoretically, the Winter Soldier - and only the Winter Soldier - had the potential to hurt her. She wasn't blind to the dangers, but she also wasn't blind to the fact that there was no exact science to brainwashing. Whos to say nothing could ever seep through the programming? She knew what happened with Bucky when he was forced to fight Steve for the first time. How it changed him.

Even though the Winter Soldier was in there, there was more of Bucky. She knew that for sure. And she needed to make sure he knew one thing: even if the Winter Soldier was trying to claw his way back and entire world was against him, she saw Bucky and trusted Bucky and believed in Bucky. She was a constant. And she wouldn’t give up on him.

"What, you're worried about me?" she joked, lightheartedly. She took the hand she was holding and pressed it against her cheek. "This wouldn't hurt me, James Buchanan."

He sighed, feeling the warmth from her face. He did not deserve this kindness and he definitely did not trust himself despite her trust in him. Of course Bucky would never hurt her. But Bucky wasn't the Winter Soldier. And he didn't have the heart to tell her what the Winter Soldier could or would do. He didn't have the stomach to even think about what would happen if the Winter Soldier actually did something.

But there was something about the way she believed in him, the way her conviction was so strong. It made him almost start to doubt these feelings. He could never be sure of everything being okay, but at least he could be sure of her.

"Okay," he whispered.

"Okay?"

"I'll do it."

"Alright," she smiled.

She removed his hand from her face, but still held onto it.

"And even if you did try to fight me, I think I could go a couple rounds in the ring with the Winter Soldier. I'm big and tough."

They both laughed knowing she had very minimal fight training.

"You'd definitely kick my ass," Bucky chuckled.

She just smiled. And then her eyes grew wide.

"Oh! You wanna know the good news?"

"F'course."

Bucky watched her briefly disappear through the entryway before returning with a big, rectangular case. He raised an eyebrow.

"That's good news? What is it, a bomb?"

"I don't do bombs... arson only."

The look on his face made her wonder if he actually questioned whether or not she was serious. She fought laughter as she opened the case. It was silent for a moment. Y/N looked at him, waiting for a reaction.

"Is that... for me?"

"All yours, Buck. A favor I asked of Shuri."

She told him about the arm. Told him about Shuri's design, and the features and functionality. She didn't mention what made her think to ask Shuri, but that surely wasn't important.

"It's really cool, and like super sleek and badass. But more importantly, it will make you feel more... I don't wanna say regular 'cause nothing about you is regular," a shy smile slipped. "But more... how you're used to having your body feel and function."

"That's..." he shook his head before looking up and making dauntingly deliberate eye contact. "Thank you. For thinkin' of me. I mean it. I hope it wasn't too much trouble for her to make it."

"Nothin's too much trouble, Bucky. You're worth it."

"You're a real peach, y’know that?"

Suddenly she looked abashed. Did he say something wrong?

"Sorry- I didn't-"

"No, it's okay. I just got a weird sense of déjà vu. Don't worry about it."

He looked at her like he didn't quite believe her, but she tried not to think too hard about it.

"So..." Bucky gestured towards the arm. "...what do we do with this?"

"You wanna try it on?"

His brows shot up. "Oh! I mean- sure- I guess so, yeah."

She tried to pick it up and nearly threw her back out. "Jesus!"

"Woah there, tiger," he withheld a laugh, putting a hand under the vibranium arm to hold most of its weight.

"Okay, sit down," she ordered, both of them fumbling to hold onto the arm. "Shuri told me how to get the arm on. There's some... magnetic thing. I don't even know - it was some complex engineering lingo. Not my field."

After a couple minutes, clumsy hands attempting awkward assembly, and several curse words later... the arm was attached. They both stood as Bucky stuck out the bionic arm, admiring it and Y/N leaned back, admiring him. Wow.

Bucky smiled, holding both his forearms out - palms facing up - to see how they moved. "This is incredible."

He turned to her. "You're incredible. Thank you."

"No problem at all," she stepped forward. "How does it feel?"

Her hands found their way below his, cupping the underneath of them with a feather light touch. "How do you feel?"

"More... balanced," he laughed. "Coordinated?"

"Steady?"

"Absolutely."

"Stronger?"

"Definitely."

She looked up at him. "Confident? More comfortable in your own skin? That's what's most important."

He gripped her hands. "For sure. Thanks to you."

"Glad I could help. Just wanna make you feel more like yourself, you know?"

"I feel the most like myself when I'm with you," he nearly whispered.

He smiled, and then did something... unexpected. He let go of one of her hands and with the other, he twirled her around as if they were dancing. She went along with the movement, body falling in sync it even though she was confused.

"You make me wanna dance again."

With his voice so endearing, and his heart so spirited, the world around them fell quiet. She stepped forward and rested her hand on his shoulder. Then she placed one of his hands on her waist, and held the other out to the side, fingers intertwined with hers. And oh, the feeling of his hands on her; it was nearly overwhelming.

"Then dance."

And they swayed. They swayed to nothing, to the sweet sound of finding comfort in another person. She let her eyes flutter shut, allowed her guard to come down for just a moment. Just this moment. With him.

Bucky broke the silence with a shy question. "So yesterday... what does that mean for-"

"Let's just keep it between us."

"What do you mean?"

"It was a moment - like this one. I think I think too much, and I may have overreacted before. It doesn't have to be some cumbersome ordeal. It's just us."

"We're good then?"

"We're good."

"Good. 'Cause I like this."

She inhaled and smiled at the feeling of him inside her lungs. They continued swaying as they continued talking.

"You were in my dream you know?"

"Was I?"

"You were."

"Could I fly?"

"No," she laughed. "You were - well we, actually, were walking to that lake."

"To swim?"

Not exactly...

"I don't know. It's kinda foggy and didn't make much sense since it was a dream but we were definitely there."

"Did I say anything existentially insightful?" he joked.

"I don't remember much of what we said, but I remember how it felt."

"How... how did it feel?"

There she went again. She could feel herself slipping, but found it hard to care. She closed her eyes, thinking back to hibiscuses and Bucky's arms.

"The water and sun on my skin felt kind of like this," her hands ran up his sides dangerously slow and settled behind his neck, finger tips tangling into the ends of his hair.

His breath faltered. "Is that so?"

Unconsciously, his other hand found her waist and somehow the little space between them grew even smaller.

"Mhm," she hummed. "and the sight of a flower in your hair felt kind of like this."

Her hands moved to cup his face, the soft skin of her palm settling on his jawline.

"It was so pretty," she sighed.

"Yeah... pretty," he agreed. But he wasn't talking about the dream or the flower.

"And... your arms and your hands... felt kind of like this."

Gently, she pulled his face down to hers, though he needed no guidance or encouragement. When their lips met, that feelings of incompletion and longing, which had been prickling the back of her mind since the previous day, finally went away. They dissolved into fingers pressing into her hips, soft stubble tickling her cheek, and the delightfully encompassing presence of him.

She wasn't sure how long it was until they separated and words were spoken again. All she really recognized what that she was out of breath.

"And to think I was going to apologize for yesterday," Bucky smirked.

"I had to return the favor."

"And I gotta make up for lost time"

"Well, please don't let me stop you."

And he didn't. They continued right where they left off, except this time, it felt much too similar to something she had felt before. Hands began to roam just like they did in her dream.

The only thing was, her dream was cut short. She had no idea how it ended. But his hands were everywhere and it was all her senses could register. He was everywhere: her lips, her neck, her collar bones. She was burning.

The air ran out of her chest, and her voice was barely a breathy sigh. "Don't stop."

She could feel his smile on her skin. "Wouldn't dream of it."

-

The next morning, she awoke entwined in his arms - both of them.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree

[ghostbustermelanieking]

some thoughts on mag 200

i’ve been having trouble articulating this, but i wanted to get some thoughts down on mag 200, and the ending of tma as a whole, now that i’ve heard the finale twice and had some time to process it all. putting this under a cut in case people don’t wanna see it -- there’s gonna be a lot of praise here, but also some legit criticism. this is a way to sort through my feelings more than anything else.

first off, relistening to the finale, and sitting on it for a while, has made me feel a hell of a lot better about the whole thing. the episode comes off a lot better when you’re not vibrating with fear and anticipation, in my opinion. the final statement was very fitting and cool -- not my favorite ever, but i can appreciate it a lot as a final closing for the fears. and i don’t have an ear for soundscaping but the sound in that statement was cool as hell. the jonah magnus gets fucking murdered scene is incredibly satisfying. a lot of other people have said this, but i love that jon finally got his revenge, and was able to lash out against jonah for all the years of manipulation and beng used, and for tim and sasha and everything else. that was perfect. i genuinely thought we might not get a scene like this after 193 but i am so glad we did. incredibly satisfying. the girls made it out!! i am very glad that they’re ok and moving on and seem to be leaning on each other. (By God I Will Wring Found Family Out Of This Podcast If It Kills Me.) and the admiral’s okay. love that

and the jonmartin ending. oh my god. while i was never the biggest fan of the possibility of martin having to kill jon, the way it went down was so painful and good. i loved that final scene. i love the ambiguity -- that they might have died but maybe they didn’t, maybe they’re all right and happy and we can decide for ourselves -- i love that i got exactly what i wanted, that i get to have my cake and eat it too, all the angst of a jmart death and still the possibility of happiness... i am going buckwild. i love it. the longer i spend with this ending, the happier i am with it. i really really loved it

on another note... i do have some reservations about the finale and the season as a whole. i understand peoples’ irritations with the finale, and while i’m trying to focus on the things i did like, i definitely have some irritations. for one, i definitely wish the finale had been longer. i would’ve loved to see more of what wtgfs and basira were doing, and the actual lighting of the archives, etc. and while i completely understand why the scene at the panopticon went as quickly as it did -- it comes off very much as wild, frantic impulse in the heat of the moment where they’re in danger and trying to protect each other -- i do wish it had gone a little slower. 

in my mind, the biggest issue in season 5 ended up being pacing. and this might be a personal preference thing -- there’s a lot of things within the show that i don’t personally vibe with, but i don’t necessarily think they’re badly written. but i do think season 5 was slow. and while slow things can certainly work in a certain context (season 4 comes off wildly slow til you listen to 160), i wish more of what actually happened in season 5 had been baked into the end game. the season felt like it had a lot of filler, which drives me mildly crazy, because the end game feels rushed and i don’t think it NEEDED to be. i liked a lot of what season 5 did -- there’s some impeccable episodes, the character interactions are weirdly lighter and softer than they have been in previous seasons, and i wouldn’t trade a lot of the things that it’s given us (all the jonmartin interactions, jon and georgie briefly rebuilding their friendship, martin and melanie friendship, wtgfs scenes and intimacy, backstory, lore, etc) for anything. but i do think it could’ve been structured and paced a little differently. i also think it could’ve given some more screentime to the character stuff we got from episodes like 161, 170, 186, 190, 191, 192, 199... i absolutely love both martin centric monologue episodes, but i hate that we didn’t get anything like that for jon. (or for melanie or georgie or basira...) the best episodes of the season, imo, are the ones that broke from traditional form of domain statement domain, and the ones that focused in hard on backstory, lore, character introspection, character interaction... i wish we had more of this. 

when it comes to the jonmartin arc... i know this has been a point of contention with a lot of people, but i don’t hate it at all. maybe it’s just because i relistened to the majority of the season back in january, but a lot of the more grating moments that seemed large week to week (martin pressuring jon to smite people, the disagreements they had earlier in the season, jon using martin as bait in 176, etc etc) come off a lot more minor when you’re binging. personally, relistening to act i made those interactions come off as things they were struggling with through continued support and reassurance. there were absolutely things i wanted addressed, especially with the “kill bill arc” -- the disagreements early in the season, and how it seemed to turn on its head in the argument they have in 194. (i didn’t like martin blaming jon for the kill bill arc and i was hoping it would get brought up.) i also wanted to see a discussion of martin going with annabelle in 194 -- i wasn’t really ever mad at martin for doing it, but i did want to see them talk it out. 

but! after relistening to 200, i think i have a better handle on why that couldn’t have happened. martin goes behind jon’s back to go with annabelle and they don’t talk about it; jon goes behind martin’s back to sabotage the plan everyone agrees on in order to prevent the fears from spreading. if they’d had a big talk about trust, and working through martin going off with annabelle, and then jon turned around and did the same thing, more or less... it would’ve completely soured that discussion. jon and martin needed to be in a place of discourse for this ending to work. 

honestly, the more i’ve thought about this final JM arc, the better i feel about it. sure, jon and martin are in a bad place, and they’ve gone behind each other’s backs and been somewhat selfish, but i don’t think this ruins their relationship. for one, martin’s break in trust comes from a place of wanting to save jon and the world. and for another, jon genuinely feels he is doing the right thing, making a decision he can live with. (i have my own opinions as to how ethical jon’s decision was, but that’s another post. and i think the muddy ethics of this ending are on purpose -- it’s horror, a genre that often doesn’t offer ethical decisions.) their final decisions and final moments come from a place of love and protectiveness, and they change their decisions for the other. they still love each other, through all of it. i don’t think these late stage betrayals equivalate jonmartin necessarily being doomed as a couple (not that anyone has said that, but it’s worth saying). and i think it’s important to remember that this is still a relatively new relationship. it existed for approximately three weeks before the literal apocalypse, and it’s been under an immense amount of stress, as well as the constant fear that one or both of them would die. (which they did.) i’m not saying that excuses certain things they’ve said or done, but i am saying i don’t think the relationship is doomed. i think, if jon and martin have survived, they’ll need to work through things. they’ll need to talk it all out. and they’ll be able to! they’ll heal from this one way or another. the tragedy isn’t that jonmartin is doomed, or toxic. it’s that these moments of betrayal are what dooms them. and the beautiful undercurrent of it all is that they still manage to come together, and make decisions that mean they stay together. and that wherever they are, they’re still together. 

all in all, i don’t think season 5 has been perfect, and i can make my peace with that. (tma’s worst is a hell of a lot better than most shows’ best.) (i also think it might be worth considering how covid could have affected certain aspects of how the season was written -- pandemics are stressful, and i can’t imagine what it’s like to finish an enormous, in the works for years project like this in the middle of that. personally, i’m impressed they’ve managed to finish the show through all of this and keep it to a similar quality.) i think critiques are valuable and worth discussing. and i think plot aspects aside, there are several other critique related things that could be brought up about this season that people have articulated much better than i ever could. but i also, personally, want to walk away from the show feeling satisfied. i tend to be weirdly positive about things i love (the x files finale was horrendous, but i managed to get to a place where i was happy with it, for example), and i think that applies here -- even more so because i really did love so many aspects of that finale. i don’t necessarily want to linger in my own mind over what i disliked, especially considering the show is over. although i did want to air out my thoughts. 

i still love this show. i loved a lot of episodes this season, frustrations aside. season 5 will forever be my only live tma experience, and it got me through one of the worst years of my life, and i am very grateful for this. i genuinely did just want to air out my thoughts and get them all down on paper. these are just my opinions -- i don’t want to criticize anyone who feels differently about the finale, or the season as a whole. everyone’s opinion is their own. 

i feel a lot, lot better about mag 200, to the point of genuinely loving it. i hope my appreciation only grows as i get further from that frenzied first day and have more time to sit with it. and i can’t wait to see all the art and read all of the amazing fics that are going to come out of this ending (and write some of my own). it’s been a wild ride. i’m glad i was here for it.

[spockandawe]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

It’s absolutely no problem at all!! I don’t think I’ve been asked this before, but hey, I also have zero object permanence, so it keeps things fresh and new. And it’s interesting to see how my answers change over time! Lemme see, I think I’m going to go in reverse order, because I feel like then I’ll be doing the worst agonizing up front.

TGCF

Fifth favorite: YIN. YU. I know that he’s a minor character and him even making it onto the list is pretty solid performance, but I do feel guilty that he isn’t higher than this. He came out of nowhere in my first reading and punched me in the stomach with emotions. I find his sections so hard to read, and I was DEVASTATED when he died and BEYOND stoked to find out he was still alive in the extras. His story hurts so much! I am weak against characters who have relatively modest goals and still see them snatched away (see also: my next entry) and have to struggle on. I wish wish wish I had a way to see more of how he made his peace with things after being thrown out of heaven, and the nature of the (distant) relationship with Hua Cheng and what happens with Quan Yizhen now that he died in his arms, and still came back anyways, my god!

.

Fourth favorite:  He Xuannnnnn. I have a hard time articulating particulars, but. I love him a lot. I love a character with a grudge, with a deep, painful grudge, where the grudge is hurting him almost as much as it’s hurting the people around him, and setting the grudge aside would also hurt, and then what has any of this been for-- I've used this metaphor for other characters, but I don’t care if I’m overusing it, because I love it. He feels like a character caught in a thorn bush, where simply being there... hurts, but trying to escape or move in any ways is going to hurt worse, and there’s no path forward that doesn’t involve pain. And like... I don’t love the way he hurt Shi Qingxuan (who didn’t quite make this list adfasgdafsd I’M SORRY) but I wouldn’t have liked to see him swallow back down all that pain and set aside everything that happened to his family and fiancee either! I’m always, always soft for characters who have no good path forward and who grit their teeth and set out anyways.

.

Third favorite: MU QING!!!!!!!!!! I have done... extensive screaming about him. And I love him veryvery much. I can already tell that this list is going to have a lot of mean boys on it, and like... no regrets. Especially since this is one of my FAVORITE flavors, an unapologetic mean boy who is rarely (but sometimes!) soft for the people around him, and who regularly tries to do decently by people, but who consistently gets shat upon and misunderstood and accused of acting in bad faith. I screamed when he and Xie Lian finally got to talk their friendship out in the book. I also screamed when I realized how immediately after Xie Lian’s return he started looking out for him again, and how sincerely, despite his horrible attitude about it. I still want to write more fic for him so badly. I love him so much.

.

Second favorite: Xie Lian! What a good boy! The best boy! He’s so sweet and gentle, but also the best fightboy this world has ever seen, and also so gently snarky with the people he loves! I just... really love me some traumatized characters who have trouble recognizing that they can be Loved, and I’m not going to write this whole essay right now, but I think in some ways, he’s the most... passive about his romance, out of all the leads? Shen Qingqiu is aggressively oblivious, but Xie Lian kind of gently shrugs off the idea that he might be Hua Cheng’s special someone, until he finally gets hit with the cluestick. I generally shy away from the idea of a character “earning” love, but he’s maybe the mxtx character who moves me most with ‘you deserve to be loved’

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Most favorite: Hua Cheng. HUA CHENG. Oh my god, gotta love this boy. Gotta love this devotion. I love a mean boy who is soft for one person, and he EMBODIES it. I mean, I love Shen Jiu, but he barely manages to do the soft thing at all, while Hua Cheng is over here like ‘if I could only be the stone beneath your feet--’ It’s hard to talk about him separately from Xie Lian, because they’re a unit in my head more than just about any other characters on this list are. I don’t want to get this list to get out of control, so I’m not going to scream for too long, but... I could just watch him go forever. I want to write him forever, and that’s a huge aspect of what draws me to some characters.

MDZS

Oh god, I think I lied, I think this book is going to be hardest. Making these choices is AGONIZING.

Fifth favorite: .....Lan Wangji. Oh god, I feel bad about how low he is. But this story is just packed SO full of wonderful characters, and I’m already consumed with guilt over all the characters who aren’t going to make it. I don’t love them less! But my love for characters in this particular story is very evenly distributed. And I think that Wang Yibo’s acting is possibly scoring points with me that the book might not have earned all by itself. Microexpressions and subtle body language add SO MUCH to a character with such flat affect, and I would be drawn to such a closed-off character anyways, but it really helps. And I love, like... the combined subtlety and intensity of his relationships. It’s not that subtle once you know what to look for, and the brother/sworn brother network makes for varying degrees of how much other characters understand of the things he chooses not to explicitly express, and it gives a really interesting character to the way he interacts with the people around him. Also, love me a man with intense separation anxiety.

.

Fourth favorite: Jiang Yanli? I think it has to be Jiang Yanli, but these rankings are hard. So. I just talked about how much I enjoy the flat affect and closed off nature of Lan Wangji? Well, guess what, I also love it when m’girl is just very GENUINELY AND OPENLY an absolute sweetheart of a person, and I love the contrast between her genuinely kind nature and the uncomfortable pressure that her family’s dynamics put on her to start parenting at a very young age. It’s not necessarily a happy situation, but she adores her brothers so much and they adore her so much! And it’s... a very understated element of the story, but after her parents died, her baby brothers went off to war, and one wreaked havoc as a straightforward commander and one of them disappeared for months and returned as a creepy-ass zombie puppeteer. And she STILL dotes on them like before, despite knowing what they’re capable of. Like, yes, Wei Wuxian just raised an army of corpses and forced a man to eat himself, but I shall still boop him on the nose and feed him Soup. How can I not adore energy like that?

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Third favorite: Wei Wuxian, I think. I do adore him a lot. He gives me some of the same vibes that make me ache most with Xie Lian, where he is trying his best, and is struggling to hold on in the face of lots of suffering, and I find it really interesting that when the suffering peaked, Xie Lian was forced go on because he couldn’t die, while Wei Wuxian... expired. That line about ‘he thought that no matter how large the world was, there was still no place for him’ always sticks with me, and hurts me deeply. Xie Lian had most of his personal attachments stripped away, and was left to wander on his own, while Wei Wuxian still had a number of strong connections left, but abruptly exited life. And that informs their respective trauma so interestingly! The way Wei Wuxian bounces between high energy chaos and drained exhaustion is really fascinating to me, and was the thread that held me attached to the book through a very confusing beginning. And I’m still very drawn to how intensely he loves, whether it’s Xiao Zhan’s fantastic acting, or it’s him busting out with how much he wants Lan Wangji in the middle of the Guanyin Temple scene. He’s a fantastic character, honestly, I don’t think such a convoluted book would have held together very well without a protagonist this strong.

.

Second favorite: Xue Yang :X Look, he’s a good boy and I love him. Who among us hasn’t done a few mass murders that we are completely unrepentant about, but that we would really like to keep hidden from our current boyfriend, actually? Anyways, as always, love me an angry boy who makes terrible decisions for understandable reasons. And I do love a character who is consumed by agonized ragrets (see my next entry), but I DO also love me a character who has no regrets at all and doesn’t even have much interest in trying to justify himself to anyone else around him. Just look at that confidence! Look at him go!!

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Most favorite: Jiang... Cheng....... I knew he and Xue Yang were going to be at the top, but those were the only parts of this list that were easy. I mean. Love a self-sabotaging angryboy who is also super super sad and keeps hurting himself in his own confusion. And while I love the romantic thread in all of the mxtx books, the agonized family thread in mdzs is one of my favorite parts, and something that I don’t really see echoed in any of the other stories. I need ten million jc+wwx reconciliations, at LEAST. He’s so sad! And so angry! And I want to see him becoming less of that thing, and for Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian to demonstrate very firmly how much they love him, because they do. I am invested in his happiness in a way that goes far and beyond any of the other non-main characters, haha

SVSSS

Fifth favorite: Tianlang-jun. I think? Oh god, but moshang. THIS IS REALLY HARD, I HATE THIS ;-; But especially since writing my fic, Tianlang-jun has really won me over. And like, he already hurt me good in the novel, just thinking about how he was an innocent young guy, just! Trying to have a girlfriend! And instead got trapped in sensory deprivation, body-rotting-hell for twenty years, when he didn’t do anything wrong!!! He suffered, so much! And I live for his intensely strained relationship with Luo Binghe, because it’s! Perfectly understandable and painful, from both of their perspectives! And he wants to hate humans so badly, but in the end, when he’s told that Su Xiyan never betrayed him, he starts helplessly asking the people around him, ‘really? is it really true?’ and then in the end he loses the only family member he has left who cares about him, and it’s just! Everything is terrible! I have a su xiyan au brewing in my head because I can’t stand it! Someone just give this man a loving partner!!!

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Fourth favorite: Shen Qingqiu. But... moshang??? Goddammit. Anyways, this dumbass. I find him so endearing, in his dumbassery. I sometimes get a bit frustrated with Wei Wuxian for being oblivious, and Shen Qingqiu is just asking for me to react the same way, but I... don’t, for the most part? Because he thinks he has good information, and he’s slow to react to a changing playing field, and I still haven’t read another transmigration novel that strikes the same balance of hypercompetence and intense incompetence :ppp It’s a funny book, and he’s a funny character! And I really vibe with him, in most parts of the story, which covers a pretty darn wide emotional spectrum. Plus, the running internal commentary is choice.

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Third favorite: Liu Qingge. Look, I’m a woman of simple needs, and sometimes I just need a high-quality fightboy who clearly cares deeply and is absolute garbage at expressing his emotions. I can’t articulate it much better than that. I absolutely howl at the succubus extra, when Shen Qingqiu is talking to Madam Meiyin about his future partner, and Liu Qingge is like ‘oh my god, sHE IS CLEARLY DESCRIBING ME’ and Shen Qingqiu is like ‘haha, liu-shidi, i thought you thought this was stuupidddddddd’. They’re both so dumb. I love them so much. But stupidity plus war god fighting energy has a narrow lead over stupidity and internal commentary track.

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Second favorite: SHEN JIU. GOD. I’m still arguing with myself over whether he should go first, but Luo Binghe hurts me consistently through the whole entire story, so I think he wins. Shen Jiu just stabs me in the heart at strategic moments. This is it. My ideal mean boy who is soft for one (1) person, and who BOTH does unconscionable things for terrible reasons (someone just. give him a pile of girls to teach, it will be much more pleasant for everyone involved), and who ALSO gets blamed for things he didn’t do even when he tries to act in good faith. It is the best of all painful worlds. And even at the end, when he has a powerful person who wants desperately to protect him, he still tries his hardest to shove that person away, to keep him safe. I’ve got like four aus where he gets to live. I’m so invested in this character, I love him so much.

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Most favorite: Luo Binghe. He was.... made for me............ Like, the overwhelming amounts of childhood angst were baked in by Shang Qinghua, but the in-story pain and suffering is PRECISELY my jam. I love a character with separation anxiety! I love a character with massive anxieties over being unwanted! Over nobody ever, EVER just choosing him! I love a character struggling with the idea that the person he loves most in the world thinks that he’s intrinsically Disgusting! I love the kind of stubborn determination that leads him to preserve a corpse for five years, desperately hoping for a way to revive it, constantly cooking fresh food, in case, in case he someday wakes up. The way Hua Cheng loves is overpowering, but he’s had time to like... learn to be mellow when he needs to be. Luo Binghe doesn’t have a chill bone in his body, and if he’s acting chill, it’s probably because he’s done some mental math and decided that being more clingy right now will probably get him pushed away harder. I love the combination of manipulative tendencies and a very, very genuine fear of rejection and being unwanted. There is nothing I don’t love about Luo Binghe, including his worst decisions. I love him so so much.

[anli-rambles]

I left it in the tags because I can't fully articulate all of my thoughts about it ㅠㅠ But it's something I noticed and that Connor also points out in the game, where he says Haytham's been "talking a lot but has shown nothing".

Haytham talks like a Templar, there's no denying that, but his actions don't match his words like, at all. He claims to want "order, purpose and direction" but he's even more unpredictable than Edward was when he was younger. He always runs head first into danger without thinking (which always gets him in trouble and he has to be saved by someone else), killed a Templar grandmaster for personal revenge (revenge is an Assassins trope - see for instance Ezio, Connor, Arno, Kassandra, the beginning of Eivor's story, and most importantly Bayek and Aya), went against Lee's decision to have Connor executed at the last minute and saved him without anyone ever knowing, dropped off the face of the Earth to go on a camping trip with his girlfriend and had to be tracked down and pestered by Lee to focus on his damn job, heck even his endorsement of Lee is practically a whole façade. He says he supports him but in his journal he literally wrote that Charles doesn't have what it takes to be in Washington's place (he also says he's "too British to get the support of the American people" which is hilarious coming from him) and he honestly sounds so done with the Order as a whole. And one of the most un-Templar things he did was to drop the search for the Precursor site after he realized he didn't hold the right key, and literally no other Templar Grandmaster would've ever done that. The Borgias, Vidic, Germain, the Order members of Bayek's time, heck even Torres (who's the only grandmaster other than Haytham I actually like as a character) were ready to kill anyone standing in their way to access whatever precursor site / Isu artefact they were after. Haytham was sent to the Colonies to get to the Temple. He found it, realized he didn't have the key, and instead of causing unnecessary bloodshed trying to find whatever would open it, he dropped the whole thing and left the site untouched.

And oh, he's the one who had to tell Connor that the "freedom" Washington and the Founding Fathers were promising only concerned white men (or as he calls them, "privileged cowards") and not the natives, and he was mad that Connor couldn't see that. But the Templars are meant to operate in the exact same way, so why speak of the concept of oligarch government with so much bitterness and vitriol ? If his problem was with the Founding Fathers themselves, he would've said so, like he initially did with Washington and his lacklustre battle record. But he didn't. He talked about privilege. His issue was the fact that they didn't give a shit about anyone other than themselves. WHICH AGAIN, is literally Templar ideology, but apparently Haytham doesn't subscribe to that.

It's like everything inside of him is screaming that all of this is wrong but this way of thinking is basically all he's ever known. Haytham says he's a man with Templar ideals and Assassin roots but for real he acts like a man with Templar roots and Assassin ideals. But he's too far gone to see it that way. The damage Birch did is irreversible at this point. That's why I say Haytham isn't irredeemable because he's evil. I don't think he is. But he's past the point of no return, and not even Birch's death could save him.

let it be known that i adore haytham but damn if i don't want to roll my eyes so fucking hard when he says the templars 'require no indoctrination by desperate old men'

likeeee. haytham. hayth. baby. sunshine. my sweet angel man. my favorite sassy oap. please read the room im begging you. how do you think you ended up here. what do you think birch did to you. :(

[melodiesofblueroses]

𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘶𝘱 𝘚𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯

→ 𝘈𝘴𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘶𝘴 𝘹 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

›› 𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺: You thoroughly enjoyed your makeup sessions with Asmo. Not only were his stories so extravagant and entertaining, but he also loved giving you advice on any of your troubles. In this particular session, you start to reflect on your feelings for your coworker

›› 𝘎𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦: Fluff

›› 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵: ~2.5k  

›› 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴 𝘶𝘱: gn!reader , makeup artist!asmo, actor/actress!reader, human au (? kinda)

“ah, y/n, it’s a treat to see you again!” at the sound of your makeup artist, you couldn’t help let out a small smile, happy to have your favorite person on set with you yet again. sure, he may have been the artist that was sometimes assigned to you, meaning that the two of you were nothing more than coworkers, but you also became close friends with him. plus, asmo’s craft and talent with his brushes never ceased to amaze you. your makeup, no matter how extravagant or simple, always seemed to take the spotlight during each shot. it was perfect to say the least, for both the scene and the atmosphere. besides, asmo always knew how to make you look good in anything. he truly had a talent for this. 

“asmo! i’m so happy that you’re my artist,” you exclaimed, finding it quite hard to contain your excitement. you moved to sit in a black chair that was in front of his work station, sitting up straight as you prepared to, once again, be blown away by him. as much as you enjoyed the other artists that were on set, asmo just had a magical touch to his work. he was your favorite by far, although that is to say you weren’t putting down the others. asmo’s makeup work, in particular, exudes confidence, elegance, and beauty all in one. it not only served to accentuate your character’s traits, but also gave you much more confidence when you were up on set. 

“well, i’m glad to hear that you love me so much,” he giggled, getting right to preparing his brushes and kit. this time, he was given the orders to create a natural and simple look. your character was supposed to be at a cafe in this scene, supposedly on a date with some hotshot you’d met in a previous scene. although asmo did get orders from the head makeup artist, he often liked to deviate a little and add his own personal touches in order to make you stand out. as much as that would serve as a reprimand, everyone on set was always taken aback by your makeup, so they let asmo run free. “so, would you like to hear the story of my last failed date?” he sighed, opening up the primer as he dipped his brush in. 

“of course i would, duh. your stories are the highlight of my day.” although that may have sounded a bit of an exaggeration, you weren’t lying. asmo always seemed to have the wildest stories, yet they were exciting and always kept you on your toes. you couldn’t help but wonder how he led such a fascinating and eventful life. currently, your life was quite dull. all you did was wake up each morning and arrive on set, that or practice your lines over and over again to your audience of stuffed animals that sat on your bed. you wished your life held an ounce of excitement that asmo’s had. “did you run into your psycho ex this time too?”

“yep,” he sighed once more, though he never stopped applying makeup. his soft touch on your skin felt so electric, though that was your crush on the man speaking. yes, despite his narcissism and usual shamelessness, you couldn’t help but fall for your coworker. of course, he was dreamy in a sense, with his good looks and fashion taste and all, but asmo was also very caring, a side he didn’t seem to show to just anyone (he seemed to only care for folks that he deemed to be attractive or interesting). however, he always listened to your problems and gave advice whenever you vented to him. and as someone who moved out to a big city in order to pursue more acting opportunities, it really did help to have someone by your side that truly did care. that, plus, he was just so interesting! you swear you could listen to asmo talk on and on for hours about his crazy stories. 

as he went on about his encounter with one of his exes, applying concealer, foundation, etc. in the meantime, you listened to each and every one of his words rather intently. as mentioned before, these stories always kept you on edge. you also couldn’t help but admire asmo’s voice. it was so full of emotion and expression. it was so lively! his voice was honestly really nice. plus, when he sometimes sang little songs under his breath, you couldn’t help but be blown away by this man’s singing talent. who knew he was such a good singer too? geez, now you needed to hear him sing a cover of your favorite songs or perhaps even a lullaby. although you were quite fixated on his story and voice, you didn’t forget to respond every once in a while and throw in your input and reactions, which asmo seemed to admire as well. 

“and that’s basically how i now have a cease and desist on my ex as well as a wanted criminal in the next town over.”

“wait wait wait, back up a second. wanted criminal?” 

“i’m just teasing you darling. just wanted to make sure you were paying attention,” asmo replied in a singsong voice, booping your nose with one of his clean brushes in the process. you couldn’t help but roll your eyes, quite used to his incessant teasing. you never knew how you still fell for it after many years of working with him. “anyway, is there anything new with you?” 

“well,” you started, though you were immediately interrupted as asmo applied a small dash of lipstick to your lips. ahh, his soft touch on your ever so sensitive lips made you feel goosebumps. it felt almost electrical in a sense, and you couldn’t help but jump a bit from the contact. geez, you really were head over heels for your makeup artist, especially if a simple touch was enough to make you feel butterflies. asmo took notice of your startled reaction and tilted his head (rather cutely you should say), making sure that you were alright before continuing on. when you nodded that you were fine, asmo happily smiled and continued on applying the lipstick, though you weren’t any calmer the second time around. 

it’s not like you despised his touch. you, in fact, were so in love with it, but the fact that you had such a huge crush on him really didn’t help. you also couldn’t help but recall the time that he had accidentally applied too much lipstick, and when you jokingly asked how you’d take it off, he grabbed your chin and said in such a sultry voice that he’d just kiss it off. gahh, just the memory of it got your heart rate up. of course, he did say that he was merely joking with you in a flirty way, but it felt so real that you didn’t really believe him. despite that memory resurfacing at the moment, you shook it off and continued on with what you wanted to say. “will you ever let me know your real name?”

“nope~” well, that was a quick response, and one that you weren’t even expecting to be quite honest. asmo, for some strange reason, never really let anyone in on his true name, insisting on the fact that everyone around him just called him asmo. you weren’t quite sure as to why he only ever wanted to go by his nickname, but you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he hated his name. if that was the case, then it would be better off if you just dropped it. “it’s not that i hate it or anything,” he continued on, though you were surprised by how well he seemed to be reading your thoughts. “i think that the mystery aspect of it makes me much more appealing, don’t you think?” with that, he added a dangerous flirtatious wink which surely got your heartbeat rising. 

“alright, i get it,” you sighed, smiling as you felt him powder blush on your cheeks. “but you are an expert on relationships and love and whatnot, right?”

“y/n, you’ve known me for a while now, what do you think?” 

“i know i know, just thought i’d ask. it’s just that...well.” oh now asmo was listening rather intently to you while simultaneously continuing to put on your makeup. he really was the biggest gossiper you knew, always wanting in on the juciest of details. and your dull love life was no exception. “i don’t know how to tell this person that i like them…” you couldn’t help but avert your gaze from asmo’s the moment you muttered that sentence, embarrassed that you were talking about your crush in front of him. it really wasn’t something that you had mentioned to anyone beforehand. 

“oo, who are they? you gotta tell me everything if you want me to help,” asmo responded, quite intrigued at where this entire thing was going. “i must say though, they are quite lucky to have someone as cute as you crushing on them.”

perhaps it’s the other way around you thought to yourself, though all you did was smile at asmo’s statement. “well, they’re always so kind. a bit eccentric at times, but that’s part of their charm!” you couldn’t really see asmo’s face at the moment since he was applying the tiniest bit of natural eyeshadow to your lids, knowing that he did so in order to make your eyes pop out a bit. if you could see him, however, you’d assume that asmo was giving you a face that basically told you to continue on. “um, let’s see,” you mumbled, trying your best to articulate your feelings in the best way possible. “although they can be shameless and really flirty, i know that they are really loving and can be a bit insecure at times. i think that their love would be my type of love, ya know?” 

“you haven’t told me much, but you sound so smitten with this person.” dang, asmo really knew a lot about love, huh? it was rather embarrassing that he was able to quickly catch on to your strong feelings. “i say that you confess. who knows, they may even like you back~” with that final statement, you couldn’t help but shake off the feeling that asmo most likely knew that you were talking about him, as much as you prayed that wasn’t the case. imagine telling your crush to their face that you liked them, and they knew that you were talking about them but feigned ignorance anyway. that in and of itself was so embarrassing. but if that was the case, then wouldn’t it be better to take his advice and confess? well, in the heat of the moment, you decided that you’d go with it. 

“you think so?” 

“mm” 

“ok then, asmo, would you like to go out with me?” 

there was a few seconds of silence between the two of you, painful silence that felt like years in your eyes. oh no, what if you just ruined your friendship with your coworker that you had cultivated over the years? all those years of friendship, down the drain due to some stupid five second confession. how dumb could you get? before you could mentally beat yourself over it, however, asmo replied. 

“oo, i like that confidence~ i find it quite hot.” of course, you should’ve known that asmo would’ve found a way to tease you in such a situation. it wasn’t the ideal response, especially since it kinda felt like he was making fun of your feelings, but you knew that it was just his nature to do so. didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less though. you felt yourself tearing up a bit, though that all went away when you heard his next words. “of course i’d go out with you though. i’ve liked you for a while now too.” 

“really?!” it was a bit too enthusiastic and loud of a response that the other artists and actors couldn’t help but turn their gaze towards you for a few seconds. becoming flustered, you averted your gaze and focused on asmo, mumbling out your answer once more. everything had happened so fast that you hadn’t processed the entire situation yet, unsure whether you were stuck in a dream or not. this surely was one exciting thing that happened in your life. 

“yep,” he replied, giggling a bit at your enthusiasm. in his eyes, your reaction was adorable. he really did have a lot of love for you. 

“do you wanna go on a date this saturday then?” wow, you really were quite enthusiastic and fast-acting. it’s not that you were desperate (though some people may argue otherwise), but you were rather bored, and your life was uneventful, so you figured that a date would be perfect. 

“ahh, no can do,” he pouted as he added the finishing touches on your makeup. “my brother lucy,” he rolled his eyes at the mention of the name, “wants me and my other brothers back home for some reason.” he spun you around so that you faced the mirror, opening your eyes to be met with a job well done. his makeup work was truly top of the line, and you were always blown away at the spectacle beforehand. “how about next weekend though?”

“that sounds perfect,” you muttered to both asmo and the makeup look before you. first you snatched yourself a perfect makeup look and then a handsome boyfriend? today really was a great day for you. as you sat there speechless, you heard the director call your name out of the blue. it was finally time for your scene, and right on time too. “oh! i have to go,” you said to asmo, quickly getting up from your seat and adjusting your clothes. “i’ll definitely call you later to set up the details!”

“sounds good.” with that, asmo gave you a quick kiss on the cheek before he turned back to washing and fixing up his station, preparing to do a job well done for the next round of actors. shocked at the sudden kiss, you stood frozen for a few seconds, contemplating on what had just occurred. your first ever kiss from your boyfriend. this truly was a moment to treasure. though, before you could continue on with your daydreams, you heard the director call out to you once more, causing you to drop everything and rush on over. 

although you couldn’t tell, asmo was staring at you quite lovingly from afar, admiring how pretty you looked in both your makeup and costume. too bad he had to go back to the devildom for a few days to prepare for the exchange program. he really did want to spend more time with you.

[lesbeet]

sorry to ask a big question like this unprompted and of course please don't feel a need to answer this, but i'm having difficulties right now as a college student who managed to never really practice composing formal writing in high school and my first 2 years of college now having to take writing intensive courses. i feel like theres a lot of shifting between different modes in a bit of an intuitive way needed to write effectively, and i'm sure with practice i could get a better sense for that, but in general ive never been good at organizing my thoughts and have a lot of trouble with executive function issues/adhd stuff that make it so that when people try to break things down like ‘just write an outline before you write to structure your thoughts!’ as a simple first step it feels like theres so many unnamed steps i’m supposed to figure out before i can even get to that point. i get the feeling there might just not be easy answers applicable across different people beyond the normal steps people recommend for essay writing and i just have to continue trying to figure it out even if it feels pretty fruitless right now, but i just wanted to ask since i know you’ve talked about both being an english teacher and having adhd (while ofc that doesnt mean youve had that issue, i at least feel it might be easier than how ive tried to articulate my issues with people knowledgeable about writing in my life who dont have adhd or anything) i was wondering if you maybe had any advice about how i could approach this or break things down further or anything? thank you so much even if you just read this and don't respond, my apologies for sending all this!

i'm actually going to approach answering this from more of an english teacher perspective than from an adhd-er perspective, bc i find that a lot of my students without adhd also struggle with organizing their thoughts and putting them into words to a degree that necessitates further direction beyond just "go write an outline"

i can't really give you any specifics without knowing the style of writing or the goal of the piece, but 9 times out of 10 you'll be pretty well served by either:

1. compiling evidence until a pattern emerges, which will help you figure out your overall angle, thesis, claim—whatever you call it, it's the central idea that your writing piece is pointing to. then you can figure out the best way to present your evidence in support of your central idea

or,

2. if you already know what point you want to make, then it's just a matter of figuring out the best way to do it. is there specific evidence that you can use to support it? is there a particular train of logic that you could delineate to help your reader reach the conclusion you're trying to present? sometimes trial and error is best here, or even setting a timer for 5 minutes and typing stream-of-consciousness-style nonstop about the topic to see if any repeated ideas emerge. again, looking for patterns helps here, and adhd-ers are often particularly adept at pattern recognition! once you've found the patterns that will help you make your point, it's honestly not the worst idea to just rearrange them in your head until it feels like it makes sense. most poorly organized writing i read is only poorly organized because the writer put down the ideas in the order they came up with them and didn't try to rearrange them into something more effective. if you try putting things in different spots, you'll start to get a feel for what makes sense, which ideas logically lead into one another, etc.

for writing fiction, honestly the same options can work for brainstorming or outlining, but instead of a thesis, it's a theme, and instead of evidence and a path of logic, it's characters and a plot.

ik this is super vague but i hope it was helpful! if you want more specific advice, feel free to reach out over chat! thank you for being patient i meant to answer this yesterday kdsjflksjd <3