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lightsupinthenorth · 4 years ago

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Harringrove teachers AU part 2

Part 1

First of all, thank you very much to everyone who read, liked and/or reblogged the first part. Also, to the people who reacted or said nice things in the tags: you made my day with your sweet words <3

Tag list: @twoprettyboys, @inkedplume, @marianaosborne, @liglitterbug, @hmg621 @spreckle @goldenweatherharringrove

If anyone wants to be added to or taken off the tag list for the future posts of this AU, let me know ;)

Trying to avoid Steve Harrington soon proved to be impossible. He was pretty much everywhere. The fact he was close to Robin and Heather, who Billy himself had quickly befriended, didn’t help. Steve was always hanging with them in the teachers’ lounge before class and eating with them at the cafeteria at lunch. And, as if it weren’t awkward enough already, Steve and Billy almost never interacted directly. Apparently, Steve was tolerating Billy’s presence, but it didn’t go any further than that. Beside a half hearted “hello” when they saw each other, Steve barely ever said anything to him.

Billy tried to start conversations with him. Several times. But Steve always answered shortly, so Billy dropped it.

And he was angry about it.

Because, even though it pained it greatly to admit it, Billy would have loved for Steve and him to be friends.

Every single person in this school seemed to adore Steve, from the students to the staff.

At least a couple of Billy’s students arrived late to English whenever they had Math with Steve beforehand. They always served Billy the same excuse: they had a question of utmost important to ask “Mr. Harrington”, and it couldn’t have waited their next Math class. Billy didn’t buy the bullshit. Strangely, no one arrived late because they had something to discuss with the teacher when they had History with Murray or Science with Sam before English. Half the students had a crush on “Mr. Harrington”, and that was it.

The students regarding Steve like some kind of God was bad enough without the other teachers doing it too. Robin and Heather hugged him all the time, and Murray was constantly holding him hostage about some weird documentary he had watched or whatever theory he had last come up with, and the school counselor, Joyce, smiled extra warm every time she saw him. Even Hopper, the headmaster, would light up when he talked with Steve.

And Billy understood why. Because, while Steve didn’t lose any love on Billy, he was a ray of sunshine to everyone else. He gave his coworkers bright smiles, asked them how they were as if he genuinely cared (and he probably did) about what was going on in their lives, he gave his students encouragements when they came to the teachers’ lounge asking for him during recess (which happened far more often that it should have) because they had trouble with some mathematical concept that Billy didn’t give a damn about.

Steve was a saint with everlasting patience… Except when it came to Billy, apparently. And Billy was so envious he was nearly green with it.

He was also feeling self-conscious, wondering what Steve had seen in him to shun him even though his kindness knew no bound where anyone else was concerned. It couldn’t just be that Billy looked unprofessional, right? Some people that he’d seen Steve interact with enthusiastically had traits far more negative than that, at least in Billy’s book. It made no sense and frustrated him to no end.

He was starting to think that Steve’s dislike of him was just a visceral reaction and had no valid reason. Then, Steve had to go and do something confusing.

Billy was eating lunch in the cafeteria, waiting for Heather and Robin (and Steve, by extension) to join him, and Steve sat down in front of him. Billy immediately noticed the huge piece of chocolate cake on his tray.

“How come you got some cake? I saw someone take the last piece right in front of me.”

Billy was feeling absurdly sour over it. He could have really gone for something sweet.

“Oh… Maria saved it for me.” Steve admitted.

At least, he had the decency to look sheepish.

“Right…” Billy replied, pouting a little.

Of course, one of the lunch ladies had put a piece of cake aside just for the Lord and Savior of Hawkins High. Billy should have known.

“Do you want it?”

Billy blinked at Steve, answering a second too late to appear unsurprised by the question.

“Ugh… no, thank you.”

Had Steve really… offered to give him his dessert? Had he really been nice to Billy? Or had Billy just hallucinated the entire thing?

“You sure? I honestly wouldn’t mind…” Steve said, looking at his plate rather than at Billy.

He was just saying that to be polite, obviously. Billy wasn’t going to take his dessert away from him. It would only make Steve dislike him more.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Steve looked up from his plate and offered a small forced smile, before focusing on his food once again.

Things were already back to normal (ie. Steve not talking to him), then.

Heather and Robin arrived barely a minute later, saving them from the awkward silence that had taken place after their thirty-second conversation (if it could even be called that).

As soon as he had finished eating, Steve announced:

“I’ve gotta scoot. I have to prepare some stuff before my next class.”

He had already got up from his chair when he reached the end of his sentence.

“You still on for tomorrow?” Robin asked.

“Sure thing. See you then!”

Steve took his tray and walked toward the exit in quick strides.

“What’s tomorrow?” Billy asked.

“We’re going to Benny’s coffee shop to grade some papers. You can come if you want.”

Billy had just played himself, hadn’t he? He had asked out of curiosity. He hadn’t been expecting to be invited along to whatever Robin and Steve had planned.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude”, was Billy’s last ditched effort to avoid what was sure to be an extremely awkward afternoon.

He could have come up with some fake excuse, but he was uncomfortable with the idea of lying to Robin. Because she’d been nice to him so far, and also because he was almost certain she would see right through him. She was far too observant for Billy’s good.

“Nonsense, you wouldn’t be intruding.” Robin rolled her eyes.

“Uh… okay, then. Thanks.”

Billy was about to eat his vanilla pudding, aka his sad non-chocolate cake dessert, when Max came up to their table and awkwardly said “hello” to Heather and Robin.

“Something you want?” Billy questioned, because she was obviously there to ask him something but wouldn’t spit it out.

“I’m going to Art club this afternoon. It ends at six… Will you come get me?”

Billy arched an eyebrow.

“We have an Art club?”

Also, since when was Max into art?

“Yeah… well actually today’s the first session… whatever. Will you drive me back home or not?”

“Can’t you skate?”

Now Billy was just being an asshole. Max had been skating to and from school most days since, according to her, it was “uncool” to be seen hanging with a teacher… which was stupid because 1. Billy was her brother, and 2. There was nothing uncool about him.

“I… ugh… well. I broke my skateboard.”

Max bit her lower lip.

Billy sighed.

“Again?”

“Yeah… sorry.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll drive you home.” Billy conceded, making a quick mental note to go buy Max a new skateboard. For the third time this year.

“Thanks. Later.”

She was gone as quickly as she had come, leaving Billy to deal with Robin and Heather’s puzzled faces.

“What was that?” Heather asked.

“Maxine Mayfield…?” Billy said, hoping to avoid this particular conversation.

The universe didn’t want him to avoid things that day, though.

“I know that, dumbass. You know each other?”

“Yeah, she’s my sister.”

“What?! How come we didn’t know that?”

“We don’t have the same name, whatever. It’s not that big a deal.” Billy mumbled.

“Yeah… but still… you could have told us.”

“Here honey, have some cake, it’s delicious.” Robin said, extending her fork to Heather.

Billy was thankful for the distraction. But he mainly focused on the cake, that he had only now taken notice of.

“Did Maria save that for you?” He asked.

Robin frowned.

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Never mind.” Billy said.

Billy chose to stay at school after his last class and to wait in the teachers’ lounge until Art club was over and Max was ready to go home. He would have used the time to grade some papers, but he was supposed to do that tomorrow afternoon with Robin… and Steve. So he spent the hour and a half reading, instead.

He went to the classroom, which Max had given him the number of by text, five minutes before the session was supposed to end. He waited at least fifteen minutes before the first student left the room, greeting Billy on the way out.

Max came out last, along with El, the headmaster’s adopted daughter. She was one of Billy’s students. She had some troubles in English because, from what he had been told, she had only started learning the language recently. She was pretty quiet, maybe because of that exact reason, but she seemed like a very sweet girl. It would be good for Max to hang out with her. Billy didn’t dare ask because he didn’t want to put Max on the spot or make her feel bad, but he feared she had yet to make friends at school.

Billy’s thoughts were interrupted when none other than Steve Harrington emerged from the classroom right after the girls. Well, that explained the ten minutes Billy had had to wait.

Steve had paints all over his hands, and some on his shirt. There was even a little blue spot on his cheek. He looked painfully cute. Billy didn’t like it one bit.

“Billy?” Steve asked, sounding as shocked as Billy felt. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to pick my sister up.” He said, gesturing to Max. “You run the Art club?”

Billy didn’t mean to sound this disbelieving, but he was having a hard time reconciling Math teacher and art enthusiast. Was that judgmental? Was Billy a hypocrite?

“We don’t have a real art teacher so… uh… for lack of a better option, I’m taking care of it for the time being.”

“You’re great at it, Steve.” El said with a beaming smile.

Did all his students call him Steve or was it only the headmaster’s daughter? Billy was intrigued.

“Oh thanks, El. You’re too nice.”

Billy almost said: “that’s the pot calling the kettle black”, but he thankfully kept his mouth shut.

Steve locked the classroom door and then turned back to them.

“Well, girls, Billy, have a good weekend. See you on Monday.”

“Actually, you’ll be seeing me tomorrow.”

What had happened to Billy’s mouth staying shut?

“Oh… you’re coming? That’s… that’s great.” Steve stammered.

He smiled, but it was too late: Billy had seen the disappointment in his eyes.

“Yeah… great. Have a good evening, Steve.” He sounded cold, as he said it.

“Y-you too.”

Yes… The coffee date was going to go swimmingly.

#Harringrove #Harringrove teachers AU #Billy Hargrove #Steve Harrington #Robin Buckley #Heather Holloway #Max Mayfield #Eleven Jane Hopper #a bunch of other characters mentionned #Stranger Things #my writing

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kay-kaylen · 3 years ago

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Genshin Rant

Okay so, I’ve been into Genshin for quite some time. I’m not a seasoned player who’s been around since the Latern Rite (I am furious that I missed that honestly) but I’m doing pretty well for myself.

But oh man. A few months ago, I joined an unofficial Genshin group and let me tell you, this is something I’ve got to get out of my system because I had such a huge argument with some of the members there that I just left the group because oh my God. I couldn’t take it. It’s probably a controversial topic, and I might get hate for what I say, but if you decide to shit on my words without providing legitimate evidence and being able to have a civil discussion and debate with me, then I’m just blocking you because I don’t need that here.

A lot of complaints about Genshin Impact mainly stem from the Gacha/Wish system, which is a system in which you roll for different weapons and characters. To roll, you need Fates, and you get Fates through Primogems. You can get Primogems by just doing stuff in the game, but it’s slow-going sometimes. If you want to, you can purchase Primogems with real life money.

The BIGGEST complaints I’ve ever seen from Genshin ALWAYS comes from this Wish system and the things that were said during that argument in the group was so ridiculous, I literally can’t.

First off, a lot of people say Mihoyo are scammers, and to be fair, sometimes they’re kind of wonky. Like the Serenitea Pot and Sanctifying Essence which is supposed to give more artifact exp buuut it doesn’t give a lot. That part needs to be worked on, of that I agree. But the wishes?? No. As far as I see it, it’s fair game. In fact, the chances to get a 5* character are NO LOWER than any other gacha game I’ve experienced. I’ve done my maths. Any higher and you’d pretty much always be getting them, which isn’t fair to the makers of the game and defeats the point of a gacha. This is especially true because we’re constantly GETTING new characters. The more characters, the more chances for that 0.6% chance to land on them, and it’s literally just a matter of time. The ONLY reason you’d complain is because you’re salty you didn’t get the character you wanted despite paying. You think that just because you paid them money, Mihoyo would serve the character for you on a silver platter. But they don’t. It’s ALL based on luck and chance, and they GIVE you chances on Banners. And you can ALWAYS try again. There will never NOT be a time where you can’t try. Mihoyo does NOT control what characters you get. You wanna know how I know? Because I rolled once with no fucking expectation and got ZHONGLI of all characters. A 5*. They are NOT trying to screw you over, I am HAPPY with the characters I’ve got. It literally doesn’t matter to me whether I get a 4* or a 5* or just weapons, I am still GETTING stuff.

And yeah, I don’t mind if you wanna keep rolling to get a character or weapon you REALLY want, there is literally nothing wrong with that. But I HATE it when people get salty and take it out on the creators. One of the points the people in the group tried to make is that the game’s teaching kids how to gamble. It. Is. A. Gacha. Game. It is made EXPLICITLY clear that there are in-game purchases that are OPTIONAL. You have to AGREE to the terms and conditions before you play the game. And why is Genshin being treated as this unholy demon? You know how many MORE Gacha games are out there with just as much gambling potential? Cause there’s a lot. But UNLIKE some Gacha games I know of, when they say optional, they MEAN optional. You can play the entire game and build a GOD level team without paying a single damn penny, and Mihoyo doesn’t even shove the gacha wishing system in your face. You literally don’t even get told about its existence when you play and go about the story, you have to FIND where that wishing thing is. The game does NOTHING to tempt you to rolling apart from showcasing their new characters, WHICH THEY DO ANYWAY IN THE STORY ITSELF. If anything, things like character trailers are just lore for the characters to make them interesting and build them for us storylovers.

But the whole point of this whole thing is that Mihoyo does NOTHING that requires you to pay a penny. Literally nothing. They make it clear that it’s on you to pay real life money, and you should KNOW about how Gachas, or even just rolling for chances is like, because it’s basically a capsule machine. YOU are the one rolling, and YOU are the one who CHOSE to fork over your own money. YOU are the one who chose not to stop ‘gambling’. The game does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to make you pay genuine money. YOU are the one who made that decision, so YOU deal with the results you got. You know damn well that you’re likely not getting what you want, so stop whining about it.

But just to take a step back, even IF you disregard all these points and just look at the 0.6% chance and say: “Man, that’s low odds.” It HAS to be that way, because Mihoyo NEEDS that money. Yes, I know damn well they have millions of dollars, I did my research, but that is NOT ENOUGH MONEY. People don’t realize just how BIG and AMBITIOUS of a game Genshin Impact is. It isn’t just costly to make, it’s costly to MAINTAIN. It’s not a final released game, they’re still a work-in-progress and that brings LOADS of complications with it, especially since it’s blown up so much and they’ve got MILLIONS of users playing all the time. And just because they’re a Chinese company or WHATEVER excuse you have to bring to the table, doesn’t mean they have any easier of a time.

I know this. Because I have a fucking friend who works in game programming and development. She took one look at Genshin Impact and told me this was a game that makes Final Fantasy and Detroit: Become Human, or whatever huge fucking ass games over the years, look like a JOKE in terms of expenses.

Mihoyo is CONSTANTLY updating their game, fixing bugs, implementing new things like small events or just fun stuff for players to goof around with, but NONE of these things are easy. THAT’S why they have new characters, THAT’S why they’re constantly doing events, they NEED people’s support to the game and their attention CAN’T wane. It’s pure BUSINESS. They’re not being selfish, that is literally just how it works.

And here’s another thing. Genshin doesn’t have ANY other money spending things EXCEPT for the wishes. They don’t make you pay for Resin, or make you pay to progress the story. No. ALL their income from the game, comes from the Wishing. Where YOU GUYS make that choice to fork over your money.

One of the things people in that group jeered about is Genshin’s shit security, and yes, that is problem that needs serious fixing. The thing is, they’re ALREADY hard at work trying to fix it. You think it’s a walk in the park to stop account hackers? FUCK NO. It needs cooperation from the users AND the company. The company needs to make better firewalls and security measures, and the users need to take precautionary measures to make sure they DON’T get their accounts stolen. It doesn’t matter how high or tough your walls are if you’re the one who just opens the gate yourself. And by all means, they are improving in that aspect, people just don’t announce it to the world. And oh yeah, they DO need money to improve their security. It is NOT free to develop bigger shields.

I had people in that group tell me the game was sooo slow in their development and there was no point in investing money in it, and to that I say. Let me just put this into perspective, okay? Let’s just rundown a list of things that need to be implemented when making a new region. Just one.

*inhales*

The terrain, environment, treasure locations, puzzles, local materials, local recipes, main city, sub towns, npcs, npc dialogues, shops, unique enemies, regional bosses, unique drops, regional characters, books, region lore and history, statues of the seven locations, teleporter locations, domain locations, oculi locations, story quests, world quests, sigils, and the list REALLY does go on.

AND THIS IS FOR ONE REGION.

THERE ARE SEVEN REGIONS IN THE GAME.

MEANING THEY HAVE TO REPEAT THIS PROCESS, FIVE FUCKING TIMES. (Since we already have Liyue and Mondstadt.)

Do. You. UNDERSTAND. HOW MUCH WORK. GOES INTO THIS FUCKING GAME.

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?? HARDLY A HALF OF WHAT THEY NEED TO KEEP THEIR WORKERS GOING.

AND THEY’RE STILL VERY ACTIVE IN THE COMMUNITY.

So yeah. Genshin only draws money from the Gacha system they have, other income sources come from Mihoyo’s other games. They don’t force you to pay, at all. That decision is all on you. They need lots of money for the game, and still squeeze in time in their development to come up with little tidbit stuff for us to enjoy. They’re doing well, but they need improvements, but they won’t improve without the community’s support and understanding.

#genshin #genshin impact #rant #wow this was long

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sunarintoes · 4 years ago

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Dear Whoever: [Oikawa]

Synopsis: two broken strangers hold a mutual understanding of each other as they silently complete jigsaw puzzles together every Wednesday afternoon.

WC: 4K

TW: mental health issues, reader sucks at math, swearing, angst (but a lot of fluff) please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by these themes. Also: this fic has nothing to do with volleyball and is set in a clinic for mental health

Note: this is in no way meant to romanticise mental health issues, it is simply a story of a person (reader) who is struggling with their mental health and eventually gets better through the silent support of a friend she makes (Oikawa)

18/6/2020

Dear diary?

Is that how I'm supposed to start these entries off? I'm not sure. Well, uh...today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Her name is Mary and she gave me this book, told me to try it out and write in it as much as possible. I feel awkward though. I don't think I'll use this.

Until next time,

30/6/2020

So uh… hi?

My therapist told me to write here even if I'm not sad? So if something memorable happens. I don't know honestly. This is way too awkward. Maybe I'll get used to this. Maybe not?

Cya,

18/7/2020

I stayed true to my words, I really haven't written here that much. I'm doing good and I don't think there's anything wrong with me! I'm not sure why I'm being forced to go to therapy. I feel how I feel and it doesn't matter! I know there are people worse off than me and I don’t have the right to feel sad - I have a good family, good friends, go to a nice school and I have money (or well, my parents do). So why should I feel sad? And I just have a resting bitch face. It's not called being ‘depressed’ or whatever.

Asides from all that, the only reason I haven't kicked up a huge fuss about being forced to be interrogated is the fact that every Wednesday - the day I visit my psychologist, there's always the same cute boy sitting in the same seat opposite me, not to mention the same somber expression he wears.

I'm not sure why, but I feel oddly connected to him. As if our minds are connected and in tune. I feel like I know him and he knows me. I've been reading too many books. Lol! There's no way we have that connection. Besides, I've only seen him about 4 times. Yeah, I'm definitely making this up in my sad, lonesome head.

Farewell for now,

21/7/2020

Dear diary,

I saw him again. I still don't know his name. But today he looked up at me and smiled a bit, I tried to smile back but I probably just looked angry. Not that I have a problem smiling or that I'm angry or upset. I'm just stuck on default - stuck with a heavy frown on my face.

Sincerely

29/7/2020

It's a shame, really; I've spent so long trying so hard to get better. And I do want to get better, but it’s not easy. If I'm being honest, I thought I was getting better but when the quarantine hit I began to bottle things up again. Not seeing my feelings, having them buried deep beneath - locked away in the deepest pits of my heart… well, it was soothing in a sense. That way they did not exist, they were forgotten. I didn't have to deal with them. But I forgot the most important thing of all, ‘with good comes bad’ they say, I wish I had listened - to myself and to those around me, that bottling up feelings is really the worst thing to do. Because the longer you ignore them, the stronger they grow and the darker they get. I'm an idiot; really. I was a coward, too scared of my untamed, ugly feelings to face them head on, too scared to ask for support to help me face them. So here I am now, wallowing in the depths of my despair with an increasingly depressing inner monologue, typing this out in tune with it. I'm really bashing myself up, bottling up is the most harmful way to inflict violence upon one’s self, and I'm really feeling it. My brain hurts from narrating my problems and inner thoughts - it’s working overtime as a sort of coping mechanism. But what hurts the most - what burns the most, is my ever dry throat and teary eyes. Having to swallow the ever present lump that happens to make itself comfortable right at the back of my throat seems to really suck the moisture out of my mouth, hence my dry throat. My eyes really sting, the tears come and go, and boy, let me tell you - it takes so much strength to fight them. To stop them from rolling down as they would wish to. Feeling the tears well up and then forced to go away really burns. I'm not sure why; I do know that despite not having cried even once, my eyes burn as if I havent stopped crying since last week.

As dramatic as this is, this is how I feel. Quite underwhelming considering I've been harboring such strong, hating and dangerous feelings to myself since march. Though, this is my first time letting these frustrations out. I'm glad I've finally realised the burdens I carry. There's not much I can do.

See you next time,

2/8/2020

Hi,

Didn't expect to write that much in here but shit has been going down this week. Today my math teacher kept me in to tell me that I failed my math test, she told me that it was irresponsible of me to get as low as I got. The whole time she scolded me, I felt uncomfortable and like I could cry - I was close too, the tears were forming in my eyes. She asked me if I was planning on dropping maths, she basically suggested for me to drop maths. Oh! She also told me that I had to stop drawing in my book and that it was preventing me from learning because apparently ‘if you draw that just proves to me that you have no idea what's going on and you don't want to ask questions.’ and I'll give her that, I don’t - to both things.

The seats are so close it makes me anxious, I don't want everyone around me to know that I don't understand math! And besides, I seriously do not understand it so she'd have to sit with me the entire lesson to explain everything… I think there's something wrong with me.

Until next time,

3/8/2020

Hey, me again.

It’s still slightly weird to vent into a little diary but I'm getting there I guess. I'm so frustrated! Today has been the worst fucking day that I've ever experienced. For starters, I did double math for periods one and two, and then we got our tests back and I failed :) yep 23%!

I'm just soooo happy. If I'm being honest I don't care anymore. Maths is hard and no matter how much I study I fail at it. There's no point in me even trying now. I give up. What's worse is we had a substitute teacher and when she handed out the papers she gave my paper to some other girl in the class - who then of course, proceeded to have a fit about how bad the test is and that the tests were definitely mixed up. Well, they were but did she really have to explain to the whole class about how bad the score is? It was embarrassing to have to put my hand up and get the paper - my test, handed to me. It felt like everyone’s eyes were burning holes into my body. Right then and there I had a panic attack - I had already felt on edge since yesterday but the test conforming results plus the fact that everyone knew how badly I scored tipped me over the edge. I felt the tears well up but I pushed them back - refusing to show everyone how weak and pathetic I am.

I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little before texting my friends and telling them that I was about to have a meltdown. Unfortunately they weren't online and didn't respond, I had to go back to class anyway.

When the break came, I left to go back to the bathroom - my tears were still clouding my vision and I couldn't get rid of them. I think I may be superstitious but while I was walking I was stuck behind the girls who saw my test - they were talking about their tests. I didn't really care but then one of them said ‘how much do you need to pass?’ and the others just laughed, so she continued and said ‘seriously! Is 24 percent a pass?’ this made the other girls laugh even harder, it felt like a slap to the face. Like they were indirectly mocking me. The same girl then said ‘surely 25 percent’ which again, was met with laughter.

It really hurt. Even if I was just overreacting. Surely not. They had to be talking about me. Why else would they talk about low test grades when they are literally on to top of the class.

I just want to disappear.

Sincerely,

8/8/2020

I dropped my Ipad today - twice if I may add. I cried when it hit the floor, the protective screen shattering into small, sharp pieces. The ‘up’ volume button is stuck and can no longer be used, neither can the ‘on/off’ button. Guess I can only use the home button to turn it on and wait for it to go to sleep if I don't want to use it. I'm kinda fed up with life. I want to be taken away. I don't care how far I go. I just want to leave.

Not soKindly,

14/8/2020

Dear Diary,

Today has been alright, I made mini cookies which helped put a smile on my face. Ever since the first time I exploded in this diary, I've felt a humongous weight lift off of my shoulders. Picture this, a single person holding up 50 tonnes of bricks and then telling themself and everyone around them ‘I’m fine! I can do this! I don't need help!’ but then one day, the person feels even more bricks pile up which becomes overloaded and they can't keep it up anymore. So they begin to crumble under all the pressure and the weight until they just explode! After their explosion a new person appears out of nowhere and helps them hold the stack of bricks. It is not that lighter, but it's the extra support - the extra pair of hands helping keep the first person stand straight, that really means something. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I can describe how I feel. Still feels heavy in my chest, but this time it just feels a bit lighter - like the world isn't entirely against me.

From,

30/8/2020

Dear Diary

When I went to the clinic earlier this week, something unexpected happened. The cute boy - who i like to call my ‘Therapy Buddy’ pointed over to the small table where a bunch of unfinished puzzles lay. I was confused at first but still walked over there. We sat down opposite each other and offered small smiles to one another. And without saying anything we finished off the jigsaw puzzles until we had to part ways.

For the first time in a while, I felt calm - as if my nerves were soothed. Maybe I should upgrade his name to ‘Miracle Buddy’ because I am 100% sure the reason I felt at peace was his doing - his presence.

Until next time,

7/9/2020

Dear Diary,

Therapy Buddy and I completed the jigsaw puzzles again today; no words were exchanged. I think he’s cute. I don't have a crush on him. I literally don't know him. I just like being in his presence. And besides, we've only done this twice. Who's to say we'll do it next week?

Cya,

15/9/2020

Whats up bitch Diary

Haha. Therapy Buddy is definitely smart. He was so quick to complete a 200 piece puzzle! I barely helped… he's cute when he concentrates as well. Oh yeah, we did end up doing them today. I noticed he also carries a diary with him. Maybe he writes in it like I do? Who knows. I hope he's written about me… I mean he probably hasn't but who knows, am I right?

Sincerely

21/9/2020

Hey Diary,

I'm really struggling going to school, I find it hard to concentrate in math class. Actually yeah, I like going to school but it's when I step into the math class, when I go in I feel my chest tighten and my throat dry. I have spoken with my parents a lot. They said I can drop maths if I want to. I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future but I have a faint idea: a psychologist or an artist. I need maths for psychology I think. I'm not sure. I think I'll just stick with it and hope next year goes better.

From,

29/9/2020

I look forward to going to the clinic. It no longer feels like an interrogation now that I walk in with an open mind. I'm still not getting much better with maths so I asked to be dropped down a level and now that i'm in a new classroom, a new environment, i feel less nervous. Maybe i’ll be able to get at least something done.

Kindly,

12/10/2020

This is a disaster, the other week when Therapy Buddy and I were sitting together - in comfortable silence might I add, we mixed our diaries! I can't believe this. I didn't realise until I got home! I had no ways of contacting him either. I hope he didn't read through it. If he did, I'm in trouble, I'm not doing good. I feel sick in my stomach and my throat is constricting. Ok I'm going to go, I'm having a panic attack just remembering.

Until next time

13/10/2020

Hey Diary!

In the midst of panic yesterday, I missed an important detail. Therapy Buddy left his name and phone number in my book. He must have opened up to write in it only to realise it wasn't his book. I hope. I'm a bit scared to text him. He has a pretty name - Oikawa Toru.

If I'm going to be honest, I read a little of his diary! I couldn't help it, I just wanted to write my feelings but I opened up on his latest entry, I read it and I shouldn't have. I feel a bit guilty but now, more than ever, I feel closer to him. He's feeling a similar way to me.

Yeah, I think I'll go for it. I think I'll text him.

Sincerely,

20/10/2020

What's up Diary!?

I'm glad I texted Toru! Since then we've been texting non stop but we've made a promise - to not speak to each other in person until we’re both doing better. That's fine with me. I just know my voice would betray me if I decided to chat him up in person. I've found a sense of comfort with Toru, he's no longer just my Therapy Buddy (although that's his contact name), he's now my friend who I can seek comfort in, and he seeks comfort in me too. I hate to say it, but I think I may have a small crush on him. This is a pain in the ass, I really hope I don't. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. But he’s really cute

Kind regards,

25/10/2020

Hey diary,

I'm feeling a lot mentally better, I wish I had realised sooner that going to therapy was helpful. Having someone who just listens to you and doesn't give their input unless you want it is soothing. I'm not as anxious to go to math class, of course I'm still trying but I've adopted the mindset: what's done is done, all I can do is look forward.

I have good news about Toru. Today he said to me ‘when I’m ready I want to love you and for you to love me.’ I know I don’t love him but I’m not an idiot, I know I have some more-than-friends feelings towards him.

From,

27/11/2020

Dear Diary,

Things have been really looking up for me. Im feeling a lot happier and the weight in my chest is a lot lighter. I almost feel free. I've been thinking of career paths a lot lately. I think I want to be a psychologist. If it weren't for Mary, who knows where I would be now. Thanks to her I've been able to feel better and do better. I want to be like her. I want to be able to help people through their problems - whether it be a minor inconvenience or a major one, because I know how it feels. I understand what it feels like to have the whole world against you - as if every force and person in the universe were working unanimously together to bring me down, ‘but I survived and so can you.’ That's what I will tell them. And also ‘We can get through this together,’ and let's not forget ‘this will be challenging so we both have to put in 100 percent to getting better!’

Sincerely

12/12/2020

Hey diary,

I am full of joy.

Today Toru texted me and asked me if i wanted to spend New Years Eve with him! I said yes and were going to go to the park to have a picnic and watch the fireworks! I'm so excited. I hope he is too! I just cannot wait.

Oh yeah! I can't believe i haven't written it in until now! I've just been so happy and excited and wow but the two of us went out to a cafe and he bought me a drink - we still haven't exchanged words and spent the whole time sitting next together while texting.

In that moment I felt so happy, I knew that this is the guy I want to be with. I have a crush on him and wow... I it feels good to get that off my chest and out into the open,,, I wonder if he’s ready? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait as long as I have to because Toru is special and I don’t want to lose him.

It is New Years Eve and I have made plans to catch up with Toru, he's going to pick me up at my house and together we’ll walk to the nature park where we’ll spend the night having a picnic and being in each other’s presence. In my small bag I have snacks and drinks packed, along with some board games - why not? After all, I'm planning on confessing to him tonight and I thought doing it while engaging in one of the things that brought us together was the way to go.

There is a timid knock on the door and I quickly run to answer it.

As soon as I open the door I’m met with a cardboard poster with the words ‘Happy New Years Eve, Yn!!’ written in big, large letters. I smile as I look at it, Toru definitely was not an artistic person but the thought was sweet and made my heart swell. I pull out my phone and text him a thank you before receiving one back from him; ‘you look extra beautiful… Yn.’

I read the text a few times before my brain finally gets the message, a large smile creeps up onto my face and I hear him try to stifle a laugh.

I turn away from Toru and yell out ‘bye bye! I'll see you tonight!!’

When I turn back I see Toru reaching out his hand; as if he were asking me to hold it.

Toru’s hand is pretty, our fingers are linked together and they rest comfortably. Nothing feels forced, it all feels natural. I look up at him and wonder if he feels the same, as if he knew what I was thinking when he squeezes my hand. Yeah, we definitely have some strange connection.

We spend the whole journey to the park texting, and as much as I love texting him and hearing him quietly chuckle during conversations it no longer feels like enough. I want more. As greedy and selfish as that sounds. I know I said I would wait for him - as long as it would take, but I'm getting impatient. Tonight i'm going to speak to him… I hope he does as well.

The park is beautiful, the flowers are trees surrounding the border and trap out the outside world. It almost feels like I'm in a magical fairy realm - or something like that.

We found a spot near a garden bed and I noticed the arrangement of flowers fairly quickly. I find it funny, the flowers almost represent everything i feel for Toru - maybe our meeting was indeed, fate and maybe this was fate telling me to confess.

I pull out a 5000 piece jigsaw and text ‘wanna play?’ which Toru of course agrees.

I have had fun, all night we’ve spent playing various games and eating snacks. We still haven't spoken and that's getting me down. I can't help the intrusive thoughts - ‘does he not like me?’ ‘he's not ready’ ‘you're just a friend.’ I try to push them out of my head but before I crumble I find a new thought: ‘maybe he's just too shy to make the first move.’

That is, it was up to me and it was the perfect time to confess - ten minutes until the new year. I quickly got up and made an impromptu bouquet of the flowers that resided next to us.

Shaking, I turned towards him. “Hey… i’m Ln Yn and this is for you…” I handed him the bouquet and tried my best to ignore the look on his face - I couldn't tell if it was shock out of happiness or anger, “you asked to know the meanings right?” I move closer to him and point out a flower, “well, see that flower? It's a light purple lilac that resembles young love… and this one here, it's called a belledonne which means silence, this one’s a begonia - representing dark thoughts, oh and this one! It's a pink camellia which symbolises longing - particularly longing for a romantic relationship with the receiver, and this daisy right here means innocence and hope. And lastly, the hibiscus represents delicate beauty.’ I swallowed a lump in my throat as I looked up at him, I didn't realise how close I got to him - our lips were mere centimeters away.

‘Hey… I'm Oikawa Toru and I like you too. Why don't we give a relationship a try?’

I smile. I smile so large I feel my cheeks hurt. This, this is the happiest i've ever been. ‘I’d like that.’ Toru smiles with me, he’s beautiful, even with the dak thoughts plaguing his mind.

‘I like your voice’ we say to each other before laughing.

‘Wow.. we really said that at the same time huh?’ he laughs. Instead of responding I grab a hold of his hand once more and squeeze it. ‘It’s kinda annoying, I wanted to confess first…’

‘Not my fault. Bet it wouldn't have been as romantic as what I did.’

‘So telling me the meanings of flowers is romantic?’

I gasp as he doubles over in laughter and without realising we fell into an easy conversation - much like one we would have over text. Everything with Toru felt natural.

The fireworks go off signalling the beginning of the new year, Toru leans in closer and his eyes don't leave mine.

‘Hey,’ he says softly, ‘can I kiss you?’ I gulp and nod, within seconds his lips were delicately pressed against mine, they were soft and smooth - even if they were slightly chapped. They felt natural against my lips. The kiss was short and sweet. Deciding that it wasn't enough to satisfy me, I went back in after we pulled apart and we both smiled into the kiss - our lips passionately moving together, like two jigsaw pieces that were made for each other.

When we pull back, Toru drags me into his chest and says, ‘I'm ready to love you.’

Taglist: @ladyrenart

Hushudhidwhuwihahuaf ïm im sorry this is horrible and I definitely don’t plan on using this style of writing anytime soon! I promise the rest of the series will be written nicely !

#haikyuu #haikyu #haikyuu x reader #fluff #x reader #angst #oikawa #oikawa toru #oikawa x reader #oikawa fluff #oikawa angst

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miamaroo · 6 years ago

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Northern Migration- Chapter 26 (Notes + Preview)

I hope you’re having a good holiday season, because I am currently lost in the sauce and I don’t know how to get back up. Either way, we’re going to be updating this a little bit sooner than I really should because I need the validation or something like that. Huh. Remember that this right here is brimming with a whole heck of a lot of spoilers, so beware!

Spoilers!

I am in the very unique position of being the only TAZ writer who has no idea how to write Angus. I definitely have his speech patterns pretty incorrect, like I’m certain he does not sound half as formal as I’m writing him to be. I think the problem is that since Stevie is the immature, pseudo-realistic 10 year old character, putting a cartoony genius character of the same age in the same story feels off. Now the solution to that would be to adjust Angus’s character so that he’s also more childlike, but I guess I’m just in too deep now to change anything.

I could probably get away with claiming that his formalness is a defense mechanism for being in a situation where he doesn’t feel safe. Whether I go with that reasoning or not has yet to be determined.

Shoving in a mention of Brian as someone who tried uncovering information about the Grand Relics was probably the least smooth I’ve ever been with these kinds of things.

I think in another like, Stevie would like Angus as a human being and would probably enjoy having him as a friend. As it stands now, she’s a bit too wound up by everything to not be on the defensive at all times.

Also shoutout to everyone who thought Stevie was swearing out Taako. Nope, it’s another ten year old!

And if I haven’t already butchered Angus enough, I will also concede that him realizing that they aren’t evil enough to agree to team up with them was also done really poorly. I will probably find some chapter in the future where that switch in perspective is explored more deeply.

Bane’s still relevant. Just in case you forgot.

So after 26 chapters, I’m finally giving Killian some love and attention. The upcoming arc is going to deal a lot with her past and how she came upon her mission to get rid of the Grand Relics, so I’m super excited for what’s to come. I still wish I had enough sense to squeeze more about her in sooner, but to tell the truth, there have been a few times where she’s vaguely mentioned a key part of her backstory that I don’t think anyone has really caught onto yet. I think it’s going to be fun to learn the complete tale and just be like “huh. that’s why she brought that up.”

As before mentioned in an earlier chapter, Killian forgot Brian so the person in her past she’s struggling to pin a name to is him.

Carey’s here and still relevant! I would not be a good TAZ writer if I didn’t let these two girls get together. Considering how much of this story I have left and hundred other plot threads I’m tackling, I’m probably not going to get them to the marriage level by the end, but goddamnit am I going to try to get them as far along as I can!

I’m also really bad at flirting in general, so who even knows if Killian and Carey’s flirting is as cute and awkward as I think it is.

Barry is not capable of growing a beard, but he can swing a mustache. The problem is that it always looks like a pornstache and everyone hates it.

That is Ren’s canonical last name, according to the Mysterious Package Company’s Taako’s School bundle.

Everything about the moon is a case study of how not to be subtle about worldbuilding, but I’ll be damned if I was just gonna dump like 500 words down the drain.

And I need to stop writing song lyrics. This is not a musical and I’m not good at them.

I think Barry is this weird combination of being calculating because he can perceive a lot about others but also awkward because he’s not really aware of how much more perceptive he is than the average person. He’s a smart dude and kinda forgets that not everyone is on his level.

I have big plans for Johann for the future of this fic, so I’m trying to start pushing him and his emotional journey to the forefront, meaning that I can now start addressing questions like how does Johann feel about being rescued in part by someone he cognitively knows is one of the bad guys.

A lot of people have rightly been asking me why Julia and Davenport haven’t tried to undo the damage Wonderland caused via the Oculus. I am willing to admit that I initially figured that my reasoning with the broken bonds was obvious, but naturally I realized that I was wrong. I was super duper wrong. So here’s your in universe explanation.

For those who wants an explanation not through the lense of Merle: the Animus Bells breaks bonds, and since the Oculus can’t repair those bonds (especially with how thoroughly Edward and Lydia approached these things), any attempts of recreating missing limbs will ultimately not work. So for Davenport’s hand, the bond that allows Davenport to have a right hand is broken, so no hand can be added to his right side. Technically, can he give himself a gun for a hand? Yes, but let’s not.

This chapter is a little weird because it has Davenport using texts to convey his thoughts, as a general note, I am having a fun time trying to figure out what body language I can give him that conveys what dialogue would normally do. In a way, it’s a fun writing exercise.

Davenport’s emotional recovery is going to be an up and down battle, but at least he’s starting it.

I came up with Merle’s speech at the end there all the way back before I even had that scene with a possessed Taako taunting Julia in the bar. And I’ve been hanging onto it for so long, just waiting for the moment I could write it down here and get it out of my system. And I’m just happy that it exists on paper now and I can stop worrying that I’m going to forget parts of it.

Hopefully, I’ll be ready to update again either before the New Years or just in time for the one year anniversary of this fic. I honestly can’t believe that I’ve really been working on this for so long, and I hope that this thing will be finished before we see birthday number 2.

Here’s the preview of the next chapter:

Chin balanced on hand, Taako leans into the table and watches the scene before him break down—Angus, trying to heave a stack of books to the chalkboard Lucretia had set up in the kitchen while Stevie blocks his path. Both of them are tiny little twerps, but Stevie rocks onto the tips of her toes, holding the flat of her hand to the tip of her head as she tries to measure herself to Angus. “C’mon,” she whines. “I just wanna check!”

“Please— I have very important work I need to be doing right this moment,” Angus says, trying to look over the topmost book on the stack. His glasses threaten to fall off his nose.

Stevie jams her hand on top of his head, trying to keep him pinned in place. “Stop moving!”

Angus leans over, giving the nearest adult a pleading look. Considering that Lucretia went with Davenport to look for a few documents in his office, that meant Taako. “Um, please sir? A little hand?”

“Yeah!” Stevie crosses her arms over her chest, puffing out her chest in a huff. “You judge. Who’s taller?”

Rolling his eyes, Taako slinks to his feet. “Alright. If it gets you two to shut up already. Get back to back…” Angus puts his books down, making sure to stand with his back as straight as possible as Stevie practically bounces in her places. Taako circles them like a shark, finger on chin as he hums. “Hmm, this is a tough one.” They’re fairly close in height, but Taako knows which answer he should give if he wants the max amount of entertainment for the next few days. But when he places his hand on their heads, he realizes he doesn’t even need to lie.

He hides his grin, trying to look pensive as he steeples his fingers over his mouth. “I see.”

Stevie is all but buzz, trying to get her own hand in a position that shows the height difference that she can also see. “Spill it! Who’s taller?”

“There’s no easy way of saying this, but it looks like Angelo here just the tinniest, uh, slimmest bit taller.”

“It’s Angus, sir,” Angus chimes.

Stevie freezes. “Huh? No way!” She twists between him and Angus, frustration building on her face. “But—but—but I’ve always been the tallest in my class!”

[...]

Angus stares at her for a long moment, blinking as he puzzles through his situation. Taako can practically see the math around his head melt away the moment the lightbulb goes off. “Oh, I get it!” Angus grins, pointing a finger up like a real nerd. “You’re jealous I get to help while you’re still grounded.”

Stevie stares.

“Don’t worry,” Angus rambles, reaching for his stacks of books once more. “I’m sure you’ll get the opportunity to help in due time, though I’m not sure where since, while I don’t know you well, I get the sense that you don’t have any particular skills that could aid us—”

Stevie jumps onto him, tackling Angus into his stack of books.

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ominousflare · 6 years ago

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It’s Been A While

So I haven’t been using tumblr for a long time (or used it that much to begin with), but since I’ve found myself some fellow Spider-Man fans here converse with, I feel I might as well become more active, or whatever.

Anyway, I might post my future Superior Spider-Man review here in the future once I get my lazy ass to finish it. I know, I know, it’s a five year old story. I’m incredibly late. Anyway, it’s also an incredibly long review, so I don’t know whether if I should post it here or just the link of it.

For now, I guess I’ll just post a past review of mine. Here’s a review of

ASM #698-700: Dying Wish

Well, it's finally happened. Peter Parker is dead. The bad guy wins. Happy 50th anniversary, Spider-fans! Hope you enjoyed watching your favorite hero kick the bucket on his special day!

I'll be honest with you. I've been preparing for the worst. I was really uncomfortable with the idea of this arc just from reading about its details, that Doc Ock was going to swap brains with Spidey and assume his mantle. It sounded very gimmicky and contrived. Ever since "One More Day" happened, the Amazing Spider-Man comic seemed less like a character study of Peter Parker, with each story becoming a product the writers pitched as the next big thing to draw the readers of tomorrow and keep the book afloat for the next 10-20 years. Even Straczynski's run spent more time exploring the kind of person Peter was as a husband, adding new layers and depths to the hero, instead of turning each book into the blockbuster of the month. That being said... it's a good story. Not a great one, but certainly not the horrible nightmare some of us had hyperbolically generalized in a fit of panic. Somewhat disappointing, but not worth writing death threats about. And honestly, after reading an insightful article written by Cody Wilson of the ever-reliable Spiderfan.org, I realized that we were partially to blame for this "new direction" anyway. It's partly on us, the death of Spider-Man. We can gripe and complain about the writers, editors and Marvel's entire company all day long, but when it comes down to it, we have to face the facts: Spider-Man is a product, and business was booming in spite of all the supposedly "terrible" creative decisions they've made. And like any product, we the customers are a key source of how the business will be run. Over the years prior to ASM #700, Marvel had been selling us different ideas by introducing story elements that would later be used again in "Dying Wish," and our feedback to those elements in earlier stories was what ultimately led to the "Superior Spider-Man," the book that would replace "The Amazing Spider-Man" title for better or worse - at least for a year and 33 issues. Through this review, I hope to address these "elements" and analyze which of them worked for me and which merely raised my anxiety levels.

ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER

This wasn't the first time a supervillain stole Peter Parker's identity. Back in ASM #602, Chameleon seemingly "killed" Peter in an acid pool and subsequently went about the rest of the day being him; even interacting with Peter's acquaintances and friends. Having the eccentric behavior of improving the lives of whomever he had disguised as, Chameleon did a few selfish things, including punching Mary-Jane's stalker (with the butt of a gun), calling Flash Thompson "Puny Flash" the way he called Peter years ago, and moving Harry's homeless butt into Peter's home. These "improvements" Chameleon made in Peter's life were well-received by readers, myself included, thereby providing Marvel the first piece of the puzzle they needed. I have to admit, Peter calling the ex-bully "Puny Flash" was a guilty pleasure on its own, giving payback to the football star after so long. On the other hand, he's a crippled war hero, so it was still a scummy thing to say. And while it could be fun to see someone carry out these naughty deeds in Peter's favor - doing and saying things some of us wish Peter would just have the guts to do - it could also lead to some really creepy scenes. Let's not forget, these were bad people taking over Peter's life, Octavius the sociopathic egomaniac included. In ASM #602, Chameleon made out with Peter's roommate, who wasn't aware who she was really kissing under that mask; this lack of consent was tantamount to an act of rape.

And then in #700, Otto (in Peter's body) was clearly thinking of having sex with MJ, a woman who would be unaware of the real person she's really sleeping with. This would eventually lead to some even more sleazy storyline in the "Superior Spider-Man," which I'll touch on in the future. Playing devil's advocate for a bit, one could argue that crippling a woman and stripping her naked to show how evil a villain is was in poor taste too, yet Killing Joke was held by millions as some gold standard of storytelling. What Dan Slott wrote seemed trivial by comparison.

KILL HIM TWICE, SHAME ON YOU

There's a reason why "Death of Spider-Man" worked in the Ultimate universe: Peter Parker died being known to his world as a hero, giving us a fitting finality. In the 616 universe, on the other hand? He died leaving a villain perving on his ex-girlfriend! What kind of finality was that?! What a way to shit all over our favorite hero! Of all the feedback Marvel took into consideration, this had to be the dumbest. It's like simple math to them: "People loved Ultimate Death of Spider-Man, therefore they must be okay with killing off 616 Peter Parker and replacing him with a murdering sociopath on his 50th birthday." Unfortunately, the best storytelling is anything but simple math. And unlike USM, the moments right before Peter's death here felt rushed. Ultimate Spider-Man had the benefit of "Ultimate Fallout", a mini series dedicated to addressing how everyone reacted to the death of such a great hero. Amazing Spider-Man didn't have that advantage and had to slap together several "closures" to end the book, including MJ finally confessing to Otto-Peter her love for him, Jonah Jameson finally approving of Spidey as a legit hero, and Peter experiencing a dream sequence where everyone he cared about who died came back to greet and thank him - all within a single issue. These "closures" should have been, in my opinion, focused on in an entirely separate issue of their own, not crammed together with the already crowded plot of #700. It ended up reading like a last minute homework assignment written hastily to beat the deadline.

There's also another thing that bothered me about Peter's final moments. Using the last remnant of his energy in Octavius' dying body, Peter was somehow able to channel the memories in his own body and forced Otto to experience all the guilt and pain he ever felt being Spider-Man. Afterwards, he almost seemed content to pass on the mantle to Doc Ock. Why was he so content with letting this potential killer take over his role as Spidey, and why would his dying wish be for Otto to take care of MJ and his loved ones? He's a selfish and self-centered jerk who only ever cared about himself! Why would he trust him?! No matter how sympathetic Otto came across, and no matter how desperate Peter was, it just didn't make sense. I wish there would have been at least a last desperate struggle on Peter's part to resist letting this psycho do whatever he wanted with his powers, not quietly accept his takeover. In fact, it would have made more sense if Peter had gone to the Avengers or the Fantastic Four instead, where he could have made it his last request to have them stop Doc Ock. Not to mention, they would have bought this "mind-swap" story a lot more than Carlie - who shot him multiple times when he tried to tell her the truth - did.

DRACO IN LEATHER PANTS

The third feedback Marvel collected was the sympathetic side of Octavius. There were a number of stories detailing this, depicting him as a frail young boy in the past who had aspired to be scientist (just like Peter Parker). And there's grounds for such sympathy too, for Otto never received the proper grooming Peter had, thereby being an ideal mirror of Spidey (much like the Joker and Batman). This ambiguous side of Octavius' morality was well-received, along with, of course, Spider-Man 2, where he was made into an even more sympathetic antagonist than his comic counterpart. Yet, the decision to place a murderer behind the mask of the webbed hero for a long period of time is strange and definitely inappropriate. Octavius is tied to at least three deaths, two of which were intentional: Bradley Miles in "Peter Parker: Spider-Man" Vol. 2 #40, James Warden in "Spider-Man/Doctor Octopus: Negative Exposure" #4, and the accidental death of George Stacy in ASM #90. Would that be appropriate for the kids reading this? Spidey's been a huge recognizable icon all over the world, and now kids are going to follow in the footsteps of this scum who thinks it's okay to break the other criminals' jaws or just straight up kill them (the latter of which we'll see in "Superior" later on)? With the recent "racial/sexual diversity" movement a more political Marvel was trying to gun for, I'm surprised they would risk such an idea in our SJW climate, not to mention the aforementioned sexual aggression towards MJ.

Again, there is potential for a good story here... if it's a tale of redemption, which would only work if Octavius turns himself in. Unfortunately, a move like that could possibly end the Spider-Man books for good (unless Peter returns), which is the exact opposite of why Marvel shook things up with this brain-swap in the first place (to keep the sales of Spider-Man books from dying). And even if the books continue with Otto being some kind of anti-hero vigilante hunted by the law, there's no way Spider-Man fans (and probably many parents) could approve of a murderer remaining as the new face of the inspiring hero for long. I think Marvel knew that. Marvel's not stupid. And we knew that Marvel's not stupid, so I'm sure lots of people have speculated Peter Parker's return long before he did. What I don't know is why Marvel even bothered to hide it. It's kinda an obvious eventuality. But when all is said and done, I admit that the idea of a Spider-Man who's not so morally clean does intrigue me, somewhat. Over the years, Spidey cutting loose and unleashing all the strength and powers in him can be cathartic. While it was his integrity that made him an amazing character we could look up to, there was also an underlying pleasure in seeing him punish those who deserve it; in seeing him get a little dirty to get things done. So to have "SpOck" (god that's an awful nickname) stay for a while before Peter eventually come back? I'm actually okay with that. I wouldn't mind seeing a "dark and gritty" chapter for Spider-Man. However, a key reason I would like this approach lies in a factor that applies to me: I haven't read the other darker Spider-Man spin-offs, which brings us to our final feedback and problem.

DARKNESS WITHOUT LIGHT BREEDS APATHY

There were two other Spider-Man spin-offs around the time this story arc was released. "Scarlet Spider" (Vol. 2) and Venom (Vol. 2), both of which received very favorable reviews (Venom, in particular), and were darker takes on the Spider-Man theme of power and responsibility (Scarlet Spider, in particular, since he's literally a clone of Peter Parker). If I want a darker story, I would read either of those. The only reason I didn't was because I only have enough time for Spidey alone. No time for the myriad amount of spin-offs out there. And now a third dark Spider-story is introduced, filled with murders and bloodshed - and believe me, there will be blood. I've mentioned before that I love dark stories. I live for them. They can touch on our basest emotions and provide us a form of catharsis the lighter and warmer tales couldn't. But this is another case of businessmen blindly relying on the numbers without considering the context. Too much darkness can ultimately lead to indifference in your audience, not to mention the fact that the "lighter" stories have their place in storytelling too, offering something dark stories couldn't either: hope, and moral inspiration.

Batman is an amazing character. His stories (often through his rogues' gallery) delve into a complex analysis of the human mind; of our darkest and most frightening emotions and personalities. But not everyone likes reading Batman, and even Batman fans probably don't want every superhero to be like Batman either! That would just dilute his unique quality. Besides, would you want all your heroes to be brooding or morally complex? Did you enjoy the dark and morose Superman in Batman v. Superman or even Man of Steel? Sometimes, we just want heroes to be heroes! Not straight up kill criminals without offering redemption like The Punisher and Wolverine! We already have those in the Marvel universe! Sigh. I'm merely playing devil's advocate here. As I've mentioned, 'Spotto Octavius' wasn't going to stay for the long-term, so it's fine. A temporary period of dark Spider-Man stories is fine. For me. But I do have to put my foot down and lay out what a darker Spider-Man means for the world, and why both writers and business executors alike must be careful not to push the scale too far. Balance. There must always be balance in all things. Take it from Thanos.

WAS THIS STORY ANY GOOD?

I talked a lot about the aspects that came to piece together this Frankenstein monster. But was the story entertaining in its own right? The short answer is yes, especially #698. That first part of the story was truly like Doc Ock said, a magic trick. It began with an ordinary day in the life of Spidey. Nothing seemed unusual. But by the end of it, I was left slack-jawed and so utterly impressed by Slott that I had to read the ending twice to see if I had misread something. The second and third issues went a step further. Essentially, the entire story arc could be summed up with "Peter trying to get back into his own body." But after we knew Peter was running out of time, the pacing of the story started to pick up really, really quickly. The readers would be as concerned as Peter, and at that time, nobody knew what was really going to happen because there was an announcement around that time that "The Amazing Spider-Man" book would come to an end. It's a real page-turning thriller in spite of its simple premise. Most gut-wrenching of all, they made Peter plead for his life. On his birthday.

Talk about a punch to the gut. Brings back tearful memories ("I don't want to go, Mr. Octavius"). Humberto Ramos' art really didn't help things. His depiction of Peter trapped in a dying body was a horrifying sight to endure for me. You could see all the horrid details; his skin decaying, his eye-socket popping out, and blood spilling out everywhere. I could only imagine how painful Peter's final moments were. No wonder many fans were outraged. This wasn't an honorable death in the arms of his loved ones like Ultimate Spider-Man; it was pure torture. Does Dan Slott actually hate Peter Parker? Still, I have to give credit where it's due. It's an emotional story (albeit for the wrong reasons at times), and it's a really ballsy one too where the bad guy actually won. And it wasn't just any bad guy either - it was one of Spidey's biggest bads of all. Since Norman Osborn had already became an Avenger villain, it made sense for the next biggest Spider-Man villain in line, Doc Ock, to be the one who would finally do him in. Now onto the other question: do I like the overall story? No. I don't hate it as much as certain stories in the past (marriage and The Devil come to mind), but on principle, I can't accept this story. I know why they made this story. It's almost the same thing as One More Day. I'm guessing the sales for ASM must have been dropping. And even if it wasn't, even if I'm completely wrong about the comparisons to OMD, I still don't like how shoddily his death was treated. I don't mind a Spider-Man death - I LOVED "Death of Ultimate Spider-Man." It respected and really reminded us why Spidey was the hero we loved. This story felt like just another rushed effort by Dan Slott to clean up the book and move onto the thing he seemingly loved more, Spotto Octavius "The Superior Spider-Man," a book that he's written far better than his entire run in ASM. Are we sure Dan is a Spider-Man fan? Or did he just like Otto?

To clarify, I don't begrudge Dan. It's more of the corporate decisions of Marvel executives that I'm so infuriated about. It's always the executives at one point or another whenever we are talking about a creatively-skewed story. And while his work might have been sloppy throughout most of his run, I was reminded recently that it might be due to Marvel pushing him with agendas and deadlines, so again, not his fault. What's done is done. And I've already began reading "Superior", even as I'm writing this. It's not bad, and it's everything I expected: an extremist Spidey willing to cross the line to get things done. I like it, just not how we got there. I mean, give me a break, Peter was my hero. Is it too much that I wanted a death that wasn't as insulting? At the least, I wish that "dream sequence" I mentioned was more than just a dream, and everyone Peter cared about actually came to pat him on the back for doing a good job, that it was time for him to rest. The fact that it was only a dream felt like the final slap to his face. "Good job, hero. Now get the f*** out of here."

Final Rating: Two webs out of five

I was going to give this story three webs initially. I really did. But looking back now at how Peter's death was treated, I feel more infuriated than satisfied, and also annoyed that it was just another corporate decision that never stuck, since he would come back later anyway. It cheapened the already cheapened idea of the comic book death. Now, even one of the most iconic heroes of all time suffered from the tired cliche of meaningless death.

Next time, I shall finally witness the birth of this supposedly "Superior Spider-Man" and see if Otto could truly surpass our lovable Pete as the hero we deserve:

#spider-man #spider-man fans #amazing spider-man #dying wish #dan slott #doc ock #doctor octopus

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razieltwelve · 7 years ago

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Voices #2 (Worm x Final Rose)

“What exactly is the plan here?” Taylor murmured. School had been horrible, but far less horrible than usual. Diana’s advice had allowed her to avoid the worst of the trio’s attacks while subtly but effectively striking back. “Because becoming a hero isn’t exactly… easy.”

I know that. I had plenty of time to rummage through your brain while I was making some changes.

“That doesn’t sound reassuring,” Taylor replied. “And about those changes… not that I’m ungrateful but…”

Heh. Taylor, trust me when I say this, getting you back to at least average health was necessary. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be a lot more than average. As for that… warmth you’ve been feeling, that’s your Aura. We’ll talk more about it later, but for now, just be glad you’ve got it. It’ll reduce the damage you take, boost your physical abilities slightly, and just generally make things easier for you.

“Wow. Um… okay. But about the plan?” Taylor winced. “I mean… I’ve thought about being a hero before even before all of… this, but it’s not easy. The Bay is pretty much a war zone, and there’s plenty of examples of people who’ve tried to do the right thing and ended up dead because of it.”

Exactly. That is why we’re going to have to be careful about this. Using the terms your people have, we’re going to set you up as a Tinker with some other related abilities. It’s the easiest thing for me to help you with.

“Being a Tinker isn’t easy,” Taylor replied. “We’d need resources, and we’d be targeted too.”

Which is why we’d be subtle. And, Taylor, you’re talking to someone who built up a fleet of autonomous drones as a child using nothing more than junkyard parts and scrap.

“Oh.” Taylor nodded. “Well, I guess that’s good then.” She yawned. “What are you going to teach me tonight?”

Engineering, Taylor. After all, math isn’t much good if you don’t do anything with it. You’re going to get a crash course in drone construction. Prepare to be amazed.

X X X

Taylor was suitably amazed, which was how she found herself skulking through the backstreets and alleys in the middle of the night. Electronics shops and other related stores dumped things all the time for all kinds of reasons. Form what she’d learned from Diana, she should be able to obtain what she needed if she was careful enough.

It was frighteningly logical.

Start small by taking scrap and garbage. It was suboptimal, but no one would notice. Create drones and other basic units to help locate better materials. Work her way up until she could get drones that could handle collection themselves. That was when she could really ramp up.

She’d spent a week getting crash courses in mechanical engineering and robotics from Diana. The amount she’d learned was, well, frightening. Her mind was so much quicker and more flexible now, and Diana was an extremely good teacher albeit a highly unconventional one.

Diana had given her the rough plan, and now Taylor had to fill in the blanks and execute it herself. Cue in the midnight trash stealing.

It took her several hours and almost half a dozen dumpsters before she’d collected everything she needed. And it took her another two days before she finally had it, her very first drone.

Gary #1 - the name had just felt right for some reason - was a little guy. He couldn’t do much more than fly, and he couldn’t even fly quickly. However, he was extremely stealthy, and he could be built using nothing more than scrap. With his help, she’d be able to keep an eye on those dumpsters and any other stores that might interest her.

Not bad.

Taylor grinned. “Thanks for your help.”

I might have taught you a lot, Taylor, but you made the designs yourself. You should be proud. And to celebrate, tonight I’ll be teaching you something else.

“Oh?”

You live in a war zone, Taylor. You’re not combat ready just yet, but I’ll start teaching you how to defend yourself. It’ll come in handy in the future, I’m sure.

X X X

After two weeks of building more little drones (Gary #1 through to Gary #20), Taylor hit the jackpot. A large electronics store had been forced to close down after being caught up in a battle between Merchants and ABB. Most of the stock was beyond salvage, but the sheer quantity of stuff being dumped meant there had to be something good in there.

Taylor snuck out of the house and made her way to the dump. It wasn’t easy, but if things worked out, she wouldn’t need to do this again.

You need to be quick. You can’t get caught in the open here. You’re not strong enough to fight your way out of a bad situation, and your drones are basically useless in combat.

“I know,” Taylor whispered. “And I’ll work as fast as I can. I’ve got… I don’t know, maybe seven or eight hours before someone turns up, maybe more since it’s a weekend.”

Assume you’ll have less time. It’s safer.

Taylor crept into the dump with the tools that she’d painstakingly assembled and made her way to where all the broken stock had been dumped. Her lips curved up into a smile as she laid eyes on her prize. There was a lot to work with here. It wouldn’t be easy, but, yes, she could do it.

“Let me know if you see me making any major mistakes,” Taylor said.

I will. But I think you’ll be fine. Now, get to it.

X X X

The Lifter #1 was completed in a little over six hours. It was her largest drone yet. Much like the Gary models, it wasn’t especially fast although it was stealthy. What differed was its size and its carrying capacity. The Gary models couldn’t carry the materials they found. Lifter #1 could carry a car if it had to. Sure, it wouldn’t be fast, but for her purposes, stealth and carrying capacity were more important.

After all, she needed to build her base of operations, and Diana had already started showing her all of the tricks she’d need to buy property without getting noticed. She might not have a lot of money, but there were plenty of warehouses along the docks that were being sold for almost nothing.

Nice work.

Taylor smiled. “Thanks.” She watched as Lifter #1 rose up, carrying several hundred pounds of supplies. “This should really help, right?”

It will. Say… Taylor, we need to have a talk about something.

“That doesn’t sound good.”

It’s not bad, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to ask about.

X X X

“What is this place?” Taylor asked. She wasn’t in the laboratory or on the porch this time. She was somewhere else.

Diana gestured around at the bustling academy they were right in the middle of. “It’s a school for huntsmen and huntresses.” She grinned at Taylor’s puzzled expression. “Think of them as the capes of my world. I thought it would be a nice place for our chat.”

“You had school likes this?” Taylor smiled ruefully. “Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad in my world if there were places like this.”

“Probably not.” Diana smiled thinly. “If people tried to pull even half the crap your villains do, they’d be dead in my world. Trust me. We didn’t suffer villains lightly.”

“Dead?” Taylor grimaced. “I guess you’ve got a point there. But what did you want to talk about?”

“About your desire to be a hero.” Diana leaned back in her chair and watched the clouds overhead. “Why do you want to be a hero?”

Taylor pursed her lips. “A couple of reasons, I guess.” She looked away. “What happened to me… I don’t want something like that to happen to anyone else. It wasn’t nice, and I’d stop things like that if I could. But…”

“But?”

“You know the Bay wasn’t always the way it is now,” Taylor said softly. “My dad talks about it all the time. It used to be… better. The docks were thriving once, and there were new business opening all the time. People… they had hope then. Now, everything is worse. the docks are dead, and businesses move out every day. This… I understand the heroes are trying, but we’re not even treading water. We’re losing. I’d… I’d like to change that.”

Diana looked at her. “Not bad as reasons go. I can definitely work with it.” She grinned. “But those are big goals, Taylor. What you need to do is to break them down into achievable milestones, things you can aim for on a short term basis. You don’t win a marathon with one big step. You win it by running lots of little steps. You say you want to fix your city, start small and work your way up.”

“Like with the drones?”

“Exactly.”

Taylor smiled and nodded. A thought occurred to her. “Earlier when you showed me some of your world’s history… I saw things. I think…”

“Ah.” Diana grinned again. “You saw Ragnarok.” She chuckled. “Had a tail, lots of orange energy and stuff?”

Taylor shivered and nodded. “It was fighting those other monsters but… what is it?”

“Ragnarok,” Diana said with a sunny smile. “Is a Semblance, an ability given to only a small number of individuals throughout history.”

“It’s a person?” Taylor had honestly thought it was something like an Endbringer, albeit a friendly one.

“Yep. A Semblance is a special power possessed by some people with Aura. Some people’s Semblances let them control electricity or turn invisible. I even knew someone who could bring back the dead.”

“Wow.” Not even Panacea could bring back the dead. “Did you have one?”

“Oh, Taylor.” Diana laughed. “Ragnarok? That was my Semblance.”

“…” Taylor gulped. “What… what could it do exactly?”

“I won’t spoil the surprise, but I will say this.” Diana winked. “If I was around, you lot wouldn’t have an Endbrininger problem.”

“Okay.” Taylor took a deep breath. “You are officially the most awesome person I know.”

“Thank you.” Diana smirked. “But you’re getting pretty awesome yourself. I’ll tell you what. You want to make your debut soon, right? Well, let’s focus on that. What do you need?”

“Armour,” Taylor began. “Weapons. Training. A base.”

“We’ll start on those then. Now that you’ve got your Lifter, we can really get going.”

#worm #final rose #fanfiction #taylor hebert #diana yun-farron #diana yun farron #voices

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90dayableton · 5 years ago

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90 Days of Ableton: Day 2

Having never used Ableton software or any serious DAW before, I embark on a 90 day journey to see how much I can learn - and how much music I can make - before my free trial expires.

Day 2: May 12, 2020.

Whenever I play a repetitive or puzzle-based video game (Tetris is a prime example), or ANY game on a screen for long enough, I start dreaming in those patterns...as if my brain thinks we’re still playing while I’m asleep. [Does this ever happen to you?]

I suspect it has something to do with the way the brain learns and processes information. If I spend four or six or eight hours a day doing anything, my brain decides “this must be really important” and it spends twilight hours crunching on it even more. (Probably same reason why I used to get “math nightmares” when I was stressed out in school.)

Well, I’ve immersed myself enough even in the last few days that my brain has decided Ableton is also dream-worthy material. I had clip and midi patterns running through my head all night.

Very surreal.

But honestly, I’m getting a kick out of it.

I have a lot of free time right now, because I’m working from home, and I only need to work 2 days per week to finish all my responsibilities.

Last month I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo, because I’m also a writer, and made my 50,000 words handily. But this month I needed a break from writing so I decided to try something new.

I have really wanted to learn how to do this whole music-making thing for years. I’m inspired by so many electronic music artists and producers. I’ve been a musician for years, but there’s only so much I can do as an individual player without collaborating. I didn’t pursue music professionally even though I’ve done it my whole life. (Started at 4, and I turn 30 next year.)

So the appeal of having total independent control, and making entire full tracks, or even albums, of music I liked and wanted to listen to...yeah. GIMME SUMMA DAT.

SO FAR

On Day 1, I made a song (read more about it here). It was pretty basic.

On Day 2, I knew that I wanted to expand on the song, add another section and wrap it up nicely, do a little bit more with it...but before I did that I spent a few merry hours just f*cking around with the software.

I started new projects, I tried out little melodies, I saved them and opened different projects, I listened to a bunch of samples...I was just waiting for inspiration.

(I also downloaded a bunch of new samples and free packs that were available online. I’ll talk more about that in my post for Day 3.)

I also wanted to start a new project, but I didn’t have a particular direction (just many ideas) so I was feeling aimless. Did I want to do something funky or bossa nova style? Or did I want to take a beloved classical music piece and lofi-ify it? Maybe I could work with an old blues or jazz piece that’s now in public domain.

Eventually, after I collected a bunch of ideas and did a few things that went nowhere, I returned to yesterday’s piece, had another listen, and immediately went into “let’s expand this into something even better” mode.

Click here for a detailed breakdown of what I did differently between Day 1 and Day 2 - including photos of my DAW and a song structure that you can apply to your own composition!

WHAT I LEARNED

ONE. I really should invest in an actual midi keyboard, even if it’s a budget model. [Update: I did the thing. Midi keyboard ordered. It should arrive ~Day 9 of this experiment.]

TWO. It’s typical that the master mix will be flashing red even if the individual tracks show green. The red is an undesirable thing. Lower individual track volumes to between -8 and -12 and play around with the balance to create a better sound.

THREE. I spent a fair amount of time watching youtube tutorials just to figure out basic things, but a lot of time was spent in hands-on learning. Just clicking around, messing up, ctrl+undo-ing my mistake, and trying again until I figured it out.

FOUR. I used auto filter, auto pan, and gate effects for the first time!

FIVE. The things that I did need help to learn:

what the hell is panning and how to do it

how to double your most important tracks for a filled out sound

how to use gates and envelopes [and I know this iceberg is a big one I’ve only begun to delve into]

SIX. Note that this wasn’t the result of like, an hour or two in Ableton. This was the result of two full working days spent immersed in the program. This was easy to accomplish because I woke up excited to “get to it” and didn’t have many distractions throughout the day so I could afford to get sucked in. Hyperfocus, y’all!

SEVEN. Ultimately, I felt immensely satisfied with the accomplishment I made.

In two days, I made two songs that reflected my 1. initial starting point and 2. immediate short-term progress through learning. I feel quite proud!

And even though I’m sure there’s a lot to nitpick at (and a lot that experienced sound engineers would probably laugh at outright - again, if it’s not clear, I have no idea what I’m doing), I’m not minding that internal critic because I’m a beginner, and all beginners have to start somewhere, and I’m hoping that in 90 days I can look back on this and see how far I’ve come.

CONCLUSION

Basically I made all my decisions by ear.

If it sounded great, I left it alone. Empty, I added to it. Bloated, I removed something. Boring, I changed something.

I took inspiration from Andrew Huang who has mentioned in his youtube videos that he makes fast musical choices and goes with it. It can always be changed later.

I’ve found that this is actually a really productive method for my own flow. It has the casual and relaxed feel of improv, combined with the endless benefit of always being able to replay the song over, listen to it, and change the sound if I decide it doesn’t fit anymore.

Anything I added to the overall piece, even if I didn’t use it or deleted it, ended up informing the overall composition. Things that didn’t work in some instruments were perfect when given to other instruments or when put in a different place in the song. Some elements were recombined with others, or inspired new ideas that I kept.

Most of what I’m focusing on in Ableton right now is based in actual music composition...figuring out how to do what I want with a computer keyboard in lieu of a midi keyboard, actually composing and arranging it, adding and removing sections, figuring out the musical flow and structure.

In terms of music and sound editing, I’m definitely a novice. I have picked up a little bit here and there about what is what (mostly thanks to youtubers like Andrew Huang and the many excellent folks who offer tips & tutorials) but there’s still a lot I can’t wrap my head around.

Even though there’s a little bit I still want to tweak, I’m resisting the urge to do it right now because I think it would be fun to take this Day One/Two mix and re-master it on Day 90, just to see how far I’ve come!

#90daysofableton #ableton #learning ableton #daw #digital audio workstation #music production #music composition #andrew huang #making music #dir en grey #lofi #making lofi

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cyberkevvideo · 5 years ago

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Throne of Night - New Special Material: Gunzarak (True Mithral)

In Book 2, the (unfortunately) last published book for Throne of Night, we were introduced to the concept of “true mithral”, also known as gunzarak. It was a special processing of mithral that allowed you it to mimic some of the properties of adamantine. We even got a really interesting weapon in the form of an axe. We were also given a minimal amount of lore that this style of processing was a closely guarded secret to a specific clan of dwarves, and that its secret had long been lost over time.

Sadly, that’s all we got. It can be assumed that in Book 3, where we see the party finally find the lost dwarven city, that we would get either a sidebar or even an appendix that explained what true mithral was, and its pricing for armor and weapons. Sadly, this would not be the case. At least as of today’s entry.

Today, I’m going to give you my rundown on how I would have released it. I would like to say that I did not come about these numbers willy-nilly. I contacted some friends and acquaintances from the table top industry, who far more adept and knowledgeable at this kind of thing than I (not to mention decade long veterans) , and had them give me their opinions, then I went marketed it to more than a half-dozen players to get their take on it.

As always, for space reasons, I’ll be cropping the encounter build.

All images shared here were done by the forever fantastic and amazingly talented Michael D. Clarke, aka SpiralMagus

I do not have a Patreon or a Kickstarter, but I do have a Ko-Fi page (linked) for those who are looking to support me monetarily. There is no pressure or obligation to do so.

Finally, before I get to it, I hope everyone’s staying safe right now.

Deep within the Zaraketh Mine, after solving a dwarven puzzle, what appears to be a mithral greataxe can be found by the party. To their astonishment, it’s actually an axe made of a new special material, gunzarak.

The provided lore says: But for all the dark elves’ skill in working this strange metal, it was in the forges of Dammerhall that the dwarves learned the secret of elevating mithral to its full potential. They could create an alloy that was lighter than aluminum, stronger than adamantine, as perfect a metal as this world has ever known. This was gunzarak (in dwarvish lit. the true gift of the earth) or “true mithral”. Even the drow had never seen its equal and it was Dammerhall’s gift to the world. Even today, centuries after the last sword of true mithral was forged, many a dynasty counts among its greatest heirlooms these dwarven blades and armors.The secret of making ‘true mithral’ was lost with the fall of Dammerhall. The dwarves too jealously guarded their secret and when calamity fell, the secret was lost. Perhaps there will never again come forth a smith capable of making gunzarak. Perhaps this jewel of dwarven lore is forever beyond the kin of mortals.

As written, the magic axe reads as thus:

The Axe of Horath Rocknose Aura moderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 10th Slot --; Price 27,320 gp; Weight 6 lbs. DESCRIPTION This is a +1 keen dragon-bane greataxe made of gunzarak (true mithral). It counts as both being made of adamantine while possessing the weight reduction of mithral. For the purpose of damage reduction it is considered as both an adamantine, silver and magic weapon. CONSTRUCTION Requirements Craft Arms and Armor, creator must know the secret of working true mithral, keen edge summon monster I; Cost 13,660 gp

Given its stats, it’s obvious that this was to be a major boon in Book 3. It can also be assumed that if the axe is shown to the stone golem blocking the secret passageway to Dammerhall, that’s part of the key needed for bypassing the guardian.

From a designer stance, this item has a few issues in the math and wording, but that’s okay. What’s important is that you can still discern its capabilities and what the author was trying to convey when he made it.

With what’s provided, and a little reverse engineering, we are able to deduce that, theoretically, gunzarak is worth 775 gp/lb. This is a little more than 1.5x what mithral costs (500 gp/lb.). That sounds reasonable enough.

Over the past month, I’ve had multiple discussions with some fellow game designers, as well as a bunch of players that I know. The reason being is designing special materials is a balancing act that many aren’t very good at. The conversations went from “treat this like a magic item and make the lowest cost be 1.5x the price and add the highest base, or at least add an additional percentage to the total price” to “adamantine in Pathfinder 1e and 3.5 was overpriced, so unless that gets fixed, you won’t get a proper price for this material.” What was also mentioned was that it was nice that this replicated both mithral and adamantine as a whole, like a magic item, what was special about it? What made it its own material that people would covet? Sure it was both mithral and adamantine, but you could find magic items that would made things better and cheaper, or even psionic powers or spells that could do it better, for cheaper, and not have any sort of weaknesses short of being dispelable. “True silver”, another special material (from Paizo), is processed to the point it was immune to rusting effects, so why wouldn’t true mithral have something similar, if not exactly the same? Again, all valid arguments.

In the end, after all the conversations had completed, this ended up being the final numbers and abilities. As such, I’d recommend the additional property be added to the axe in Book 2.

Gunzarak (True Mithral) Mithral that's been masterfully refined and processed, making it lighter than aluminum and stronger than adamantine. Armor: Heavy and medium armor are treated as one category lighter. ACP is reduced by 3 (to a minimum of 0), Dex bonus is increased by 2, and ASF is reduced by 10%. Grants untyped damage reduction 1/— (light), 2/— (medium), 3/— (heavy) Weapons: Ignore hardness of less than 20. Considered adamantine and silver with regards to bypassing DR. Special: Always considered masterwork. Immune to rusting effects. Hardness 20; Hit Points 30 per inch Armor Costs: Light (+6,000 gp), Medium (+15,000 gp), Heavy (+22,000 gp) Weapons and other items: 775 gp/lb.

It shouldn’t need explanation, but just in case, “rusting effects” include that of rusting monsters and the rusting grasp spell. Also, true mithral isn’t adamantine, even if it counts as such, so it won’t have the same ‘hit points per inch’.

I know that some people are going to argue that it’s way too cheap, but it’s honestly not. Adamantine is way too overpriced, and you fail a single save against a rusting effect and that PC is out their armor. Not to mention, given any other price point, you’re better off taking mithral armor and wearing a belt of Con for the additional hit points or something that can regenerate your heal in some way. Anything else would just be considered a waste of money. I know, the players I talked to schooled me pretty hard in that regard, and broke down the math. Not to mention, if you allow 3PP products in home games, a psychic warrior with the biofeedback power has DR 2/— for 1 minute/level, and can augment that to make it even higher. If you can turn that same power into a permanent magic item, it costs 8,000 gp to buy, but only 4,000 gp to make. It’s about being practical with your money at higher level, and crafting items takes a long time when it’s in the high, high thousands.

That said, if you feel it should be significantly higher, like say: Light armor +6,500; Medium +16,000; and Heavy +28,500 gp, which were the original prices I was suggested to go with, then so be it, but don’t be surprised if the party tries to sell the items for something cheaper and more practical, and bank the rest of the gold. Even more so if they’re playing with the kind of GM who is very strict about the wealth table, and being even 1 gold piece over it means you’re “broken” and no longer allowed an allowance until such time that you become high enough level to earn gold again. And, yes, those GMs absolutely exist, and players take that into consideration when it comes to their purchases. I will mention that my original prices were actually lower (14k and 20k for medium and heavy), but I was quickly talked out of it.

Again, this is what the decision came to be after multiple conversations with fellow TTRPG game designers (most having previously worked for Paizo) and players who’ve all played in very confining and restricted wealth games. In the end, we were all able to walk away happy. I have absolutely no idea how much Gary originally intended this material to cost, and I’m more than curious, but he had connections with Paizo as well (namely the director and lead designer, Jason Bulmahn), so it’s possible that our numbers aren’t all that different.

Segway: For anyone curious what a more practical cost for adamantine would be, Purple Duck Games published it as 750 gp for light weapons, 1500 gp for one-handed, and 3000 gp for two-handed. Armor was 4000, 8000, and 12000, respectfully. When it came to gunzarak, it was quoted as likely being 6000, 12000, and 18000 for the different armors. Weapons would probably start at 800 gp, to make it more of a round number, and different from adamantine. Mithral was also dropped to 350 gp for light weapons, 700 for one-handed, and 1400 for two-handed. Armor was 1000, 2000, and 3000. It sounds cheap, but the new Pathfinder 1.5 system they developed removed arcane spell failure.

Getting back to the original subject though, in Book 3, the party was supposed to discover the art of how to process the mithral, and I would bet that like in Book 2, the axe the PCs find is a key to a safe or another puzzle, that has that exact formula for how they’d do it. As to what that process is, I’ll leave it up to the GM. Their game, their rules. They would know best how it should be done in their own home games in their own home world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

With that, the “Throne of Night” AP is complete. At least for now. All the known monsters have been identified and given stats (or linked to stats), the gunzarak is fleshed out a little more, an alternate race (that we should have seen in Book 3) was provided, a couple of extra monsters were added for additional encounters, more items were designed or showcased, and Mike’s fantastic art was shown off. Not to mention an entire AD&D adventure converted to Pathfinder 1e to help anyone finish their game without having to rely on books that don’t exist, and still give the AP some sense of finality. If there’s any more than that, I’ll do them as they come by may. At the very least, there’s more than enough to do your own game and give it a respectful ending.

If anything more if required, I made a resource page and posted a link on the Paizo forum for everyone to access. It has all of the relevant posts, additional adventures that could be used, suggestions and ideas from other GMs who homebrewed the rest of their own game, etc. A treasure trove of information for anyone needing it.

I thank everyone for coming with me on this journey.

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allenmendezsr · 5 years ago

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An Athlete's Guide To Chronic Knee Pain

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/an-athletes-guide-to-chronic-knee-pain/

An Athlete's Guide To Chronic Knee Pain

Buy Now

Got patellar tendonitis? Jumper’s knee (patellar tendonosis)? How about patellar mistracking? Chondromalacia? Or maybe your knees are always in pain, for reasons you don’t quite know yet?

I’m going to tell you two things. If you’re an athlete with chronic knee pain, you NEED to know these two things.

First, let’s start with a story.

You have a friend named Kong. Kong likes touching hot things. Don’t ask why. That’s just Kong. He’s a weird guy.

You’re a good friend. You don’t want Kong to burn himself, so you scour his house, getting rid of everything that can potentially burn him. Kong lives happily ever after, right?

Eh…

Not really. Because Kong is limited to a “fake” world. If he ever returns to the real world, he’s gonna’ get burned. It’s possible to live pain free in a fake world without really being healed.

AVOIDING THE PROBLEM ≠ FIXING THE PROBLEM

The root of Kong’s problem is his wacky tendency to touch hot things, not necessarily the pain he experiences as a result of his strange behavior.

Pain is just one piece to a much larger puzzle.

What this means to you.

So here you are. You can’t run. You can’t jump. You can’t squat. Even standing up from the toilet makes you wince. Your knees are in shambles.

And there you are. In bed. Waiting for a miracle. Waiting for the physiology gnomes to tap your knee with a magical star wand.

Because, well, that’s everyone recommends. Rest. Rest. Rest some more. Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest.

But “rest” is the cheap answer.

You can avoid the sports and activities you love and feel OK, but when you go back to them��? You get burned.

Kong’s paradox.

Most rehab theories are based on an arbitrary concept of being damaged one day, resting for a little bit, then being magically healed overnight.

This is true and false at the same time. Your body is amazing. It can heal itself. But as long as you still have the behaviors that forced the damage, you’re going to continually breakdown.

This is Kong’s paradox.

You can eliminate the pain (feel healthy) without fixing the root of pain.

And if you continually ignore the root of the pain? Your short-term inflammation (knee pain, tendonitis) turns into long-term tissue degeneration (jumper’s knee, tendonosis).

Pain isn’t hardcore or manly. It’s not natural. Pain is a sign that something is wrong.

The first thing you need to know is this: rest isn’t going to permanently fix your knee pain. You have to fix the root of your problem, and the root is (not surprisingly) the second thing you need to know.

You can’t make the following logical mistake: thinking your knee is the thing that’s broken because the knee itself is the thing in pain.

Take a look at the pictures below. I cropped them out of some random YouTube videos.

Both of these guys are doing vertical jumps. The guy on the left claims a 30″ vertical jump. The guy on the right, 50″. (Which is very high, so let’s just say 40″ to account for internet inflation.) Honestly, the output doesn’t matter much.

Aside from the raw numbers, there’s a difference between the two: I consider one a knee pain candidate, and the other a knee pain conqueror.

Below are more still shots from YouTube, but with NFL combine athletes (a little less random than, well, random YouTubers).

Notice how their body positions are more similar to the guy on the right in the first picture? It’s no coincidence. (Rule 39: There is no such thing as coincidence.)

What’s it mean?

You might be wondering, “I see the difference, but what the heck does this got to do with chronic knee pain?”

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. You’ve heard that saying before, right? Makes sense. But if you focus on the fire, you arsonist running out of the back door and breaking for the woods.

Chronic knee pain is a global phenomenon, so you have to zoom out and see beyond the knee itself.

But before I do that, I want to tell you about who I am and how I know all of this.

My name is Anthony Mychal. I’ve written for some fitness magazines and websites, like T-Nation, Schwarzenegger.com, Greatist, Elite FTS, Onnit, and STACK.

Some of the articles I wrote were about knee pain. But I’m not here to tout my credentials. I’m here to show you something.

One of the questions I’m asked most: do your knees still make that noise? And I get asked this because back in 2009 I put a video on YouTube of my snapping, crackling, and popping knees.

youtube

I was Googling for answers. I was posting on forums. I had just about every chronic knee pain possible. Tendonitis. Jumper’s knee. Tracking problems.

Here’s the part where I’m supposed to smile and say, “And I haven’t had an knee problems since I’ve found this magical cream!” But that’s not true… I still struggle with knee pain because I ignored my initial tendonitis. I thought I could fight through the pain.

Pshhhh. Ain’t nothing gonna’ stop me from playing my sports and lifting. I’ll get through this pain. Yeahhh. Only the weak care about pain.

And then my tendonitis turned into tendonosis. In other words, my short-term inflammation became long-term tissue degeneration.

If you love your sports and activities, the goal is simple: keep playing. That’s why you play through pain. But when you play through pain you cause long term problems that put you out of the game.

You’re responsible for maintaining your vehicle.

The kicker in my story? It wasn’t like I totally ignored my pain. I followed most highly touted advice, like resting, popping pain pills, and icing. One doctor even told me that my knees would never be quite “right” ever again.

I’ve wasted over $100 in medical fees and supplies in less than one year just trying to feel somewhat healthy. That’s not mentioning the braces, creams, and supplements.

I even tried to train my way out of my pain with leg extensions and leg curls. If you’re in as deep as I was, you’ve probably also done your fair share of terminal knee extensions.

All of these things made my knee worse.

Nothing worked.

Until…

The moment everything changed.

Is when I started to treat my knee as a victim, not a culprit. Your leg is made up of a ton of muscles and is controlled by three main joints: the hip, the knee, and the ankle. Anytime you move, force flows through these three joints. Up the chain, down the chain. The knee is the middle man.

So picture an assembly line. Three guys. You’re the middle guy. What happens when the guy to your right stops working? All his load gets thrown onto you. What happens when the guy to the left stops working? All the work you’re trying to do piles back up onto you.

There’s one equation you gotta’ remember. (Even if you hate math.)

Hips + Feet = Knees

And it just so happens that athletic ability follows a similar equation.

Hips + Feet = Athleticism

Remember those pictures from above? The body positioning? Stud athletes have similar body positions during exercises because they drive movement from similar muscles and structures. And those muscles and structures are also key in chronic knee pain.

Knee pain and athleticism.

If you have pain squatting (back squatting, front squatting, any kind of squatting), running, or jumping, you need to learn how to move more athletically.

This doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. You have to retrain your body. And this is what An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is all about: a program designed to fix chronic knee pain that delivers a pleasant athletic side effect.

An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is actually two programs smashed together.

The first is Theories and Solutions for Patellar Tendonitis, Jumper’s Knee, and Patellar Tracking Problems. It digs deeper into the relationship between the ankle, knee, and hip.

There is an eight week foundation program that builds muscle activation patterns and mobility with a specific selection of movements.

The goal is to kick muscles and movement patterns into gear that’ve long since been sleeping, and then build a ton of endurance to be able to maintain ability in those muscles forever and ever, no matter how fatigued you are.

The second is Increasing Strength and Explosiveness Through Barbell Exercises, Leaps, and Bounds. It transitions the newly found endurance and activation patterns into barbell exercise and athletic movement.

It builds positional awareness and correct activation patterns within those positions. It also teaches you how to absorb and propel force within those same positions. This second program is full of linked up videos to help you learn.

Both of these programs are crammed together. No dual fee. No leg extensions. No leg curls. No bed rest. Just a seriously comprehensive reconstruction of athletic and pain free lower body movement from the sand to the sky. 180 pages filled with information, pictures (exercises, stretches), and videos.

And some more bullet points because bullet points are cool:

It promotes lifelong change so that there is no regression in the rehabilitation

It constructs athletic movement so that your knees not only get better but your foundation for athleticism is enhanced

It includes a safe progression of exercises with little necessary equipment so you can do the training anywhere

It cures chronic knee pain so you can run amok, jump around like a wildebeest, or squat like a maniac

It relieves you of the mental anguish of being constantly down and out because of your chronic knee pain

It’s great for prehabilitation because it reworks movement to put less pressure on the knee=

Considering I bought Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo Switch for just about double the price of An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain, I’d call it a game of priorities.

$33

(P.S. You’ve spent more on video games or on a night out at the bar.)

So consider what your knees are worth to you. Seriously. Think about it. What does your knee let you do that you love doing? How does it feel not being able to do it?

When I was unable to move and trick and lift, I lost myself. Don’t lose yourself. Give your knees the care they need so that you can do whatever makes you feel alive. So that you can do the things you love doing — the things that form your identity as a person.

That expensive treadmill is nice…if you’re healthy enough to use it. That monthly gym membership? Those kettlebells and barbell you just bought? All nice. But only if you can use them.

Worried about online scum?

Don’t worry, you’re protected under my No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee. My No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee is in place to prevent you from being misled or mistreated from online business malpractice. Everything that others choose to hide within asterisks at the bottom of pages are stated below, in addition to who exactly this product isn’t for. It’s all in an effort to better serve you.

First, An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is a digital product. You buy, you download instantly. The file is readable by Adobe or any other PDF reader. No shipping fees, so you save some bucks.

Second, your satisfaction is my guarantee. You may return this product if it doesn’t meet your expectations. Anytime. Anyplace. Even if my retailers refund period has expired (my retailer is ClickBank and they have a 60 day refund policy), I’ll handle it in house.

Third, An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is for those with chronic knee problems (tendonitis, tendonosis, tracking issues), that want a better understanding of how chronic knee problems are created, that are willing to work hard to conquer their pain, looking to learn how to put less stress.

It’s not for those with serious internal injuries (ligament damage, meniscus injuries), those not ready to put in time and effort to fix their problem, and those that aren’t ready to do progressive bodyweight exercises.

Fourth, you have to be ready to work. This program is demanding. I’m not here to baby you. I’m here to fix you, and there’s a hard dose of reality with this. You’ve been moving the wrong way for a long time. You have to hit this hard to fix it.

Fifth, in regard to typical results, I always give the same disclaimer with any digital product: one of two things will happen when you buy my products.

You buy it and never use it. You might even return it. Can’t help you if you don’t put into practice what’s inside.

You’ll get it, follow through with the plan, learn something new about yourself, and see the resultant knowledge shine through with improvements in your body or life.

But don’t listen to me. I think I’ve talked enough anyway.

Here are what other people say.

Jon Call (Jujimufu), Trickster

When I developed a knee tendinopathy by tricking, I spent the next two years googling for crumbs on anything I could find on the topic and experimenting with self therapy. Anytime I’d find something I’d wonder if it was really applicable to my own situation. Much later, I felt I had gathered something likening to puzzle pieces, and was able to put these together to see a puzzle image take form. While I can make out the image of knee problems more clearly today, Anthony’s eBook is the finished puzzle with a clear image formed. I hate him for having finished this puzzle after I had suffered my own knee problems! But I will forgive him, because I learned some really neat, and new knee tips in this book I didn’t know, and haven’t seen elsewhere!

Rasmus Ott, Trickster

Me and Anthony did some video correspondence about my jumpers knee and he gave me a lot of good exercises and stretching techniques. He provided a great push forward to having no major problems and these days I’m back to tricking on my left knee with no big problems. (Picture provided by: Nanna Ward.)

Simon Jacobsson

The orthopedist probably would have recommended another surgery. But without Anthony I would still be a lost little puppy just trying lots of things with half assed effort. Getting consultation from him (who I sincerely believe in and really look up to when it comes to this) really motivated me. Contacting him was the smartest thing I’ve done for my training!

Josh Beaty

I played college hoops at a small college and never had any injuries until I turned 30. I started having knee tracking issues 3 years ago after I got an athletic pubalgia injury while playing flag football. That was a very painful injury to my groin area. After that “healed” (resumed activity to early) I started getting pretty serious knee pain while playing basketball due to compensating from the hip injury. I had lost control of my hip and my knee was making up the difference. I also have a very significant anterior pelvic tilt which contributed to both injuries I’m sure.

Anyway, because of your info I am able to play basketball again pain-free and my knee has drastically improved. This knee tracking pain had been nagging me for over a year and it was very frustrating. I am not quite 100% yet in terms of strength and confidence but will get there. My goal is to completely eliminate discomfort and doubt in the knee and eventually dunk a basketball again.

Thanks so much. I have bought a lot of fitness and nutrition crap and your stuff is legit and truly improved my life.

Park Firebaugh

I tweeted that I loved your book before I had even finished it. Today, I viewed all the videos, completed it and I am stunned at how comprehensive and exhaustive this is. I can’t believe the knowledge you have at your age. You have covered every angle there is and intercepted all manner of backsliding and “executive decision” modifications that many will try to make. I would think it would have taken many years of observing personal sabotage to acquire this foresight. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I remember looking at your photo on T Nation and thinking, “What the fuck, he’s just a kid” However, it’s obvious from the methodical thought process and well crafted writing that you are wise beyond your years.

Jahed Momand

I just finished your book. I was having patellar tendon pain EVERY TIME I stood up from a chair. I’m now extending the hips similar to the way you described in your RDL chapter, and the pain has disappeared. I’m already impressed. Now to translate this to Olympic weightlifting…

Vaughan Carder

Just wanted to say the Athletes guide to chronic knee pain is an AWESOME resource & a must for anyone with legs! Can’t wait to implement this stuff to my own rehab of some banged up legs!

Questions, Answers

Q: Is this program for a beginner?

A: Yes, it can be used by someone that has no formal training. I will say that a background in barbell training is useful to pick up on the terminology, but it’s not life or death requirement.

Q: Is there an age requirement?

A: No, absolutely NONE. All exercises begin at bodyweight and are progressed in a sequence. There is NO heavy loading in the initial program, and the second book (that has heavy loading) is optional. The book, however, is written for athletes — so keep that in mind.

Q: How long is the program?

A: It lasts forever. Don’t think I’m kidding. The initial rehabilitation program is eight weeks long, but the principles you learn will carry with you for the rest of your life. This is one of the reasons behind the effectiveness of the program. The second half of the rehabilitation (strength part) takes places after.

Q: How often are the workouts?

A: Every day. Or five days per week. We’re reprogramming the body. It takes time and frequency. If you can’t handle this, then this product isn’t for you. I’ll say it again, if you’re not willing to put in the work, this system will not work for you.

Q: How long do the workouts take?

A: They shouldn’t take more than an hour and can be done in the convenience of your own home. The only equipment needed is an exercise band during the first eight weeks. After, a sequence of progressions is used with a barbell and those workouts will take longer. It’s the nature of the beast.

Q: Does this come in the mail?

A: Nope. Once your payment is received, an electronic copy of the book is sent to your e-mail address.

Q: Can I still do lower body exercises while on the program?

A: Sadly, no. Squatting and deadlifting will have to take a back seat for the duration of this program because we’re reprogramming the body. You can’t heal yourself if you continue to expose yourself to pain. The movements will be reintroduced gradually and sequentially.

Q: What separates you from everyone else?

A: I use a unique approach that focuses on every joint in the lower body, except the knee. I fully believe that the knee pain is a victim, not a culprit.

Q: What if the program doesn’t work for me?

A: Consider it free. I’m willing to put my reputation on the line. You pay for quality work, and if it isn’t up to your standards you’ll get a full refund. ClickBank handles all returns within 60 days of purchase. After that, I’ll handle returns “in-house.”

Q: I have some more questions. How do I get in touch with you?

A: Want to know something? Ask me: anthony /at/ anthonymychal dot com

Yours in health,

Anthony

0 notes

bombae-sapphire · 5 years ago

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2020 & lex

I have not spent one moment thinking over 2019. I think a lot of it was stressful for me and it’s one of those things that I think I’m glad it’s over with. School was really hard. I was very challenged and I had to make a lot of decisions for what’s next.

I got a new job and it made me grow up a lot. It made me settle down a little. It gave me confidence.

I fell more and more in love with Arizona. There wasn’t a day there that I didn’t think about how much I loved my city. Everything was perfect. I loved my apartment. I loved my job. I loved my major. But I knew I wasn’t really happy or treating myself the best that I could have.

The decision to leave was very hard and very unplanned at the same time. It was something i was toying with and had to make a last minute decision to pull the lever or not. I really removed myself in those moments.

I think I just knew I outgrew it. I love everything about Arizona. But I knew I was still unfulfilled and there wasn’t something in Arizona that could compensate that.

I think that’s why New York seemed like the right choice. I had to go bigger. I knew if I wanted to make bigger strides I had to put myself in an environment that would wow me and challenge me in ways I haven’t been before.

Leaving jess was probably the hardest part. I think about her face when we said goodbye a lot and it really breaks me. She helped me be a million times better. I will never have another friend like her. At time same time I think we both knew that if it didn’t end this way then neither of us could be really truly free to be the people we wanted to. We were trapped with each other and it was hurting both of us. That last month we got so much closer maybe because we knew we couldn’t really hurt each other anymore. I love her so much.

Driving cross country was weird. I felt relieved that the weight of my will she or won’t she move mindset was fully lifted. It was also just kind of interesting to see how comfortable I’ve become with sitting and staring at nothing for hours. It made me feel like I needed a break from weed. I could just sit there and not think and that was just weird and a little unnerving at times. It’s gotten better.

This is the hard part to think about next. This is my current chapter and I don’t know why that’s hard for me to think about. I think I have to admit truths and I don’t necessarily want to do that for myself. It’s easier to get through it than to evaluate it.

It’ll be easier to start from the beginning I guess.

Being around family felt really refreshing coming back. It felt good to dance with my sisters and teach haven her letters and so puzzles wih kai and be there for Courtney after her accident and see trace walk and be able to just get lunch with Shauna. And nana is just a short drive away. It was, is, nice. And I don’t feel like I’m losing myself the way I thought I might. My morals are in tact and I have myself.

Every single person was overwhelming supportive. Not only did I get physical help from my family but so much emotional help. They all were so willing and I never felt like a bother to anyone really. My mom has, for one of the first times in my life, but the absolute most emotionally supporting person thus far. She’s never one to sympathize but she really did that for me this year. It meant absolutely everything for me.

Unfortunately I think I learned that I need to start keeping more to myself. I don’t want to share everything with them. I feel like when I find success it’s starting to be taken as me having a big head and that’s a large part of why I liked to be so far away. I didn’t need to play the youngest littlest sister roll or the poor kid roll or the depressed teenager roll. I was free to make myself a new person and I think everyone’s perception of me is not the reality of who I am and I’m sick of having to feel badly sharing new things. So I’m not going to. I’m going to be proud of myself and do it for me.

School was hard for so many reasons. I couldn’t think of them all if I tried. It was just plain hard and it didn’t feel like the same type of welcoming learning environment that I was used to at SCC. I got depressed. For sure. It was a low moment in the middle of the semester. I failed a lot of stuff. I didn’t care. I didn’t work. I wanted to be nothing. It was all just exacerbated by stress and the new environment and I think my body was just shutting down.

Absolutely no one is going to help you in New York except yourself. And even if you think you have yourself, and you can do all the right things, you often have to fight tooth and nail to figure out the difference between what you think is right and what is actually right. People do not care about you and it’s as simple as that.

No one cares about your success, so you have to care. It was different.

I didn’t really make any friends this semester. I made the usual classroom buddies but I didn’t meet someone new that I bonded with and that’s always scary for me. I struggle with relating to people and I worry that finding my family here is going to take a lot of time.

Having so many of my classroom friends come from another country is very interesting. I learned a lot about different cultures just from chatting about the homework etc. It’s been eye opening and I like it.

The other thing with New York that I’ve been struggling with is honestly the food. It’s not very good. I know this sounds fucking crazy, but it’s just not. Like there’s been some things that I’ve been like DAMN or like $30 pasta dishes that I’ve been like cumming over sure but it’s different than Arizona. I had so many cheap good choices. And I miss Mexican food. I literally am probably going to back to Arizona partly because I need the food again. I spent so much time this semester trying to find new places around me that i like and so far it’s pretty much just tender greens lmao and this one vegan restaurant by the train. Shake shack in Madison square park is disgusting and eataly is overrated.

I am doing good at finding my own spots around the city, food aside. There’s these stairs I’ll eat on when it’s nice out, or there’s a spot in the library I really love, there’s a place on the island i will go and look at the skyline at night and just think, there’s a bar that plays only soccer and has this great bartender, when it’s nice there’s a good place to hang in Madison sq park. I have 2 designated Starbucks. I’m enjoying finding my spots.

The travel has honestly been a god send. I don’t know if it’s because when you travel that’s literally all you have to do. I don’t have to answer emails or do math or talk to anyone. I just need to listen to music and go. I love love love my bus rides between New York and pa and I love x10000 the drive between my sisters and parents house. I love taking the tram and looking at the view and the subway is not that bad. It’s kind of fun. You see so much. Everyday millions of people get up and go and do their thing. It’s inspiring.

I got better by the end of the semester. I confided in teachers and I pulled my grades up. I ended the most important class with an A- and I literally could not be fucking happier or more shocked.

I’m learning to love my body more. I’m learning confidence more. I’m exploring new things sexually. I love it.

I love my friends. The New Years happened and we all passed weed around and yelled at each other about politics. That’s how we started 2020.

It’s been hard and most of what I wrote is me trying to find the good in it. I’m happy with that. But it would not do justice to the year if I didn’t say that I’m worried about myself. I’m worried about my drive and my inability to connect with people. It’s hard to do that when you don’t want to. I don’t care about making relationships with people. It sucks and I sound like a bitch. But I’m trying. I’m working on it.

I’m worried about my living situation. It’s not okay. I’m very unhappy that I don’t have my own space right now. It’s hard for me to make a decision of save money or struggle for money for the sake of my own space. I don’t know what to do.

2019 just had so much change. And I’m a little exhausted. I’m not totally me after the end of 2019 but I’m hopeful that that’s changing.

I guess one of the last notable things to think about would be my dad. He’s really bad. He’s totally just not here anymore and I miss him having opinions about my life. As weird as that sounds. He can only nod and make understanding noises. He’s doing weird things like feeding the dogs Cheerios and ranch dressing in their bowls and putting the bowls in the freezer. He threw out his teeth. He sleeps all day. He’s just bad and there’s nothing I can do for him.

I found out so much about my birth mother. And I found out it’s unsafe to reach out to her. So I never can. She’s involved in a really bad group of people. It’s ironic because i used to live with my ex and her stepdad introduced me to this group and i got super into it and thought it was so crazy and interesting and they wanted us to remove our last names from social media to stay protected from them and now it’s come full circle.

And she can barley spell and she seems very unstable. I don’t really feel disappointed. I thought about writing her a letter with no return address, just to tell her about me, but there’s absolutely nothing I could think of to write that I thought I’d like her to know. I tried. I just don’t want her to know and I don’t think it would do any good for anyone for her to know. I actually think I can let her go now. I don’t have anything left to wonder about.

The last thing that’s happened this year is my family is suddenly together. All my sisters are showing up in the same place at the same time and their kids we never saw are around. It’s really nice and really different. It’s a huge blessing. I’m so so blessed.

I could go on forever about the different changes this year but I’m glad I wrote out what I did. I didn’t care at all the reflect on the year starting typing this over an hour ago and I think it was worth it that I did.

New year. New decade. I can do it.

#personal #me

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survivormontenegro · 5 years ago

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Episode 2: “In all seriousness, I think I’m just stupid.” - Mo

youtube

Oop, so Madeline went bye bye without hitch. And Mitch lol sort of popped off a bit which turned out rub some people the wrong way.

Well as long as it doesn’t endanger me, it’s ok. Except for the fact that Michael brought up my name to Julia as a potential target just because we haven’t had good talks.

Honestly tho, talking to Michael is hard because he’s like a robot or whatever. He really is a big blue robot or whatever.

Right now, I think I’m in a good spot to not be that worried on Michael. I’ve got an alliance with Jason and Julia. Though we haven’t solidified a duo or whatever, Jared and I are working together as well probably. I’m getting closer with Ali and Benji and I have had talks of watching each other’s back.

So far the potential targets if we lose are Mitch and Noah. I have talks with Mitch and I think he’s sort of a lose cannon but right now he trusts me I think so yeah. People are leaning towards Noah because he talks the least with people.

But I do hope we win immunity, UgH!! I blame Drew for not putting me on a dominating tribe grrrr where’s the monte Rosa winning streak power when you need it.

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AHHHHHH BEEEP BOOOP BEEEP BOOP. This twist sucks. There is a power dynamic that is going on. Julia, Ben , Ali , and I are in an alliance. Seperataly though. I don't think they are aware of how much strategy I talk with Julia (which is how we want it). It seems Ian Jason are the biggest threats since they are liked and have numbers. BUT I CANT TAKE THEM OUT BECAUSE OF THE TWIST AHDHEUEJIDKD. So it seems Mitch is the target but I can't let Ian and Jason stay too long otherwise I am fucked. It's only a matter of time before they realize what I'm doing and I become a target (maybe even next tribal). BEEEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

So last tribal went super smooth. Madeleine bye girl, but you were a ticking time bomb and you needed to go. And you also threw MY precious name out to Jared. In my first confessional I said I didn't want you here, and I got what I wanted. Now we are on this round. A puzzle challenge for immunity? Seriously? This has me FUCKED up boo. But I don't know weather to worry or not about tribal council. Last round, after I stirred the pot a bunch for the Madeleine vote she had an elaborate plan to get Mitch out that I myself pressured her into doing. I let Mitch know about her plan and at tribal shit got interesting. He blew the fuck up on the girl. And this was beautiful. It put a target on his back. So I might just be in the clear. His name will definitely be brought up just for that. This tribe doesn't like crazy explosive people (lol me in crossroads). But I also have gotten so far on this idol board, I might have the chance to snatch that bitch up. Lets pray everything goes well for me!!!

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I realize in hindsight that im coming off as really mean in my confessional, but it was just like,,, in the moment? Yk??? A more concise version - usually when people like JJ fly high and take control early on, people get mad and they crash and burn really quick. So as much as it might break my heart, I might have to let that happen.

Forgot to mention thoughts on relationship statuses atm: Jules says she trusts me Alex says he trusts me Mo says he trusts me JJ says he trusts me Tom is iffy but I feel like we have a stronger relationship? Especially if he’s closer with JJ (which I personally believe he is) he’ll feed him info that’ll go back to me I have a good relationship with evan for the most part ? We talk on and off but we’re both just busy lol Caeleb my grandson/angel and I have a great relationship - we talk about Pokémon a lot Willow and I are iffy but like a fun iffy And David is the most innactive, but we bond over not talking on calls sometimes

So first things first thank GOD we won immunity I was not getting good vibes from people so I think I would been gone. Anyhoot, I definetly feel like there is an alliance already formed between Tom and JJ for sure and then possibly Jones Jules and lets throw in Alex, Those 5 seemed to be so comfortable and non scrambly this past tribal that im SUS. Going into this challenge wowie a math puzzle, not good for me and it showed! I definitely think we are losing now so I really have to push the vote for like Evan maybe because a bitch wants to stay and he's probably more inactive than I. Listen guys I really want to be on more but as Rihanna said I just gotta Work Work Work Work Work Work so that's that on that. I just hope they let this bitch stay!

Okay so let's get INTO this:

I know that my biggest weakness is the fact that I don't do a great job at times of talking to people. Ever since Day 1 though I've been making a solid effort to speak to every single person on my tribe two or three times every day.

So let's start with the first reward challenge. I tried really hard because I wanted to make a good first impression challenge wise. I feel like if you put in a solid performance in the first challenge, your tribe will be more understanding if you struggle in a future challenge.

As soon as I saw the flag part of the first immunity challenge, I knew that we were going to probably lose it no matter what, and there was strategy behind me wanting to take it on. Everyone on my tribe was already hyping up the fact that the other tribe had that part in the bag, so I knew that if I put in a solid effort and lost, it would be seen as "He stepped up for us and tried hard even though he had no shot" rather than "he fucked it up for us". I had to step on Madeleine's toes and kind of be rude to make sure that I got to do the flag, but that didn't really concern me since nobody seemed to like her anyway?

Now when it came to the first vote of the season, pretty much the whole damn tribe told me they wanted to do Madeleine. I think the fact that she really didn't talk to anyone until she NEEDED to is what played a major part in her elimination. Honestly, I didn't really like her at all LMAO, so I didn't mind seeing her go home.

The fact that Madeleine was already basically screwed and confirmed to go home was great bc it gave me the opportunity to take advantage of that situation for myself and build up my trust/credibility with other people. Madeleine came to me just a couple of hours before the voting deadline with her plan to get a group of people to vote against Mitch and send him home. I basically just was like "yasss I agree that's a great plan sis omg you're MIND". I asked for a list of who her 'numbers' were before agreeing to vote with her, and of course with her being desperate, she had no choice but to comply. Sis sent me a whole ass list of her alleged allies, and I was gagged becuase literally all of them had been shit talking her and saying that they were voting her out ALL DAY.

I took that information to Mitch and let him know about her plan, which gained me some brownie points and trust building with him. And then I went to the people she listed and was sort of like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that she's going around telling people who she thinks you're voting for". Overall, I think that Madeleine's messiness really benefited me and my connections with the tribe.

Following Madi's elimination, if I had to rank my tribemates in terms of who I trust most to least, it would work out like this:

1) Julia 2) Ali 3) Mitch 4) Jason 5) Ben 6) Jared 7) Ian 8) Michael

Julia, Ali, Mitch & Jason interact with me the most. They always respond when I message them to start a conversation, and they aren't shy about hitting me up and initiating conversations. Ben, Jared & Ian won't really initiate conversations with me, but if I message them first they'll always message me back pretty quickly and engage with me. With Madeleine gone, Michel is now the most difficult for me to socialize with. Our conversations tend to die quickly if I don't put in maximum effort, which is kind of annoying, but I'll keep trying because I relaly don't want to end up like Madi and have everyone vote me out because I didn't try with them.

I'm kind of nervous at the moment with this vote just bc nobody is really giving me names yet? I'm hoping that the reason why is that they are waiting for tomorrow morning and just don't want to throw out names too early. I feel a bit like Sandra in the sense that as long as it's not me, I don't care. I'm not sacrificing my game for ANY of these people. That's what I love about these TS orgs; these people aren't my friends and I don't feel bad at all about sending any of them home LOL.

I'm really hoping to form a more formal alliance soon, but I want to be VERY cautious. I'd rather keep it small with just a few people that I trust not to go throwing me under the bus and leaking shit. An ideal situation would be me, Julia, Ali & Mitch as a strong foursome, but I need to talk to them separately as individuals first and try to figure out if any of them are already in group chats/alliances before I try to pull them into a commitment. The last thing I want is to try to form an alliance with people that are already set in other groups.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to continue being super social and hope that it plays out in my favor. BTW this twist is evil and I despite it, but I'm just going to have to work with it and adapt.

tom was really drunk and messaged me all these nice things so i really want to make him my ally now even though he's messy!!!

Well, today we probably lost the competition. Considering I was 4x faster than my maze partner. Willow doesn't know how to do math. David probably hasn't done his competition.

But in the same light, Evan and I did really well in our competitions. So, who knows? I might actually like to lose a competition. It would be interesting to see if people's heads are actually where they say they are.

I’m so upset, I always get fucking challenges in games that I CAN’T do I don’t know how to do it. Then we talk about our scores and Evan was like oh I did it in a minute but I could of done it quicker if I had a mouse and I’m just like I SCORED 16 MINUTES AND IM FINE BECAUSE I DIDN'T SCORE OVER TWENTY MINUTES.

In all seriousness I think I’m just stupid. Like when I was doing the challenge I was confident. I always go in with a “I’m gonna do great!” attitude and then I hear about how well the others did and it’s like getting hit by a car.

I'd also like to give an update on how I feel about everybody in this game.

Alex seems like he's the person I'd like to work with most, but he also seems the most hesitant to commit to any kind of long term alliance. Jules & Jones are really difficult to tell apart, but they're both lovely people. They seem to be super open to working together, and they both compliment me out the butt hole. Tom is really sweet. He seems to be very easily woo'd by attention and compliments, which shouldn't be too difficult. He's like. Super cute and very fun to talk to. Mo is cool, we share a lot of the same sense of humor, lots of the same references. Its also super comforting that he's also on the same timezone as I am. Evan seems really cool. I feel awful about never responding to his messages on time, which could really hurt my game. Caeleb is so fuckin cute. Like he's just a wholesome lil bean, I don't know how he's going to survive in such a cutthroat game like survivor. Maybe that's his strategy, have everyone underestimate him. Maybe he's scary and spooky. ^ Y'all really got me out here talking like a tumblrina.. Anyways, onto Willow. We seem to have the same conversation everyday and it never really goes anywhere. Awkwardddd. For David, whenever he does go on call, he never talks, and it just becomes this awkward silence, he really brings down tribe morale.

https://youtu.be/71NJ9oc-WrI <- Video didn’t embed

Video afterthoughts: According to Alex JJ seems more interested in the idea of a swap happening and is now turning onto the idea of voting David? I’m gonna actually talk to jules about how they feels tho bc they said they trust me and I wanna like,, show the trust in return? I want them to feel good w me as much as I feel good w them

It seems like me and Julia created the vote once again, and AGAIN it is not traced back to us. Michael is under the impression he created the vote (lol) which is good for us, no blood on our hands. The reasoning behind planting Mitch and Michael as targets into people's head was to see how they scrambled so we could flush every alliance. We now know Mitch and Michael are working together. If all goes well it should be unanimous (if we even had to go to tribal).

We didn't go to tribal the first time around so David got to stick around. I have an odd feeling that we didn't win immunity so tonight will be the actual chance to do so. I really do think it'll be him because he's so inactive and I think its best to keep our tribe active and playing rather than scrambling and weak. Plus I have talked to many people about it so it would be a pretty big blindside if it was someone else and I would be left aghast!

JJ is clearly an influencer in the tribe, and I think he likes me and wants to keep me around and I am perfectly fine being a number in his game. At least for the time being, because at this point that's a strong strategy for me. I think I am making real genuine connections that I can profit from, both strategically but also personally because we have some fun people here :).

okay so this is the end, hold your breath and count to ten. i'm going home. i can just sense it, its my time and i can feel it hap-hap-happenin'. the vote is theoretically noah, but everyone is going quiet so i think its me. my takeaways are that i was too wishywashy, and left myself vulnerable due to my poor social game.

in other news, if the vote is noah i will be SHOCKED. i think we will probs swap too, so we will see. I think it wont matter this is the end, I'm going byebye very very soon rippy rip!

https://youtu.be/KdBeFE1iYWg <- Video Confessional from Day 6

https://youtu.be/ZQZ1ktG2lU0 <- Tribal Council #2 Vote

(Both did not embed)

Day Numero 6; Honestly nothing is popping off in this game for me! So hard to type a confessional because i could be highly naive about my position in this game and i could be getting votes tonight but i have not heard any names except for david once again.

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thecrystalauthor · 7 years ago

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For All of Us [Part 1}

Ok, so before i start the actual story I just wanna say I’m kinda nervous to post this cuz y’know I’m an art blog and all, so if you could give this some extra love and notes I’d be really happy.

She muttered as she angrily paced down the city street. The pale faced girl stuck out like a thumb even in the huge city, and her choice of all black clothes and a little kitty headband only emphasized her case.

“I've had enough!” She hissed through clenched teeth. She was nearly at her apartment now. It wouldn't be long until they all paid.

As she lined the geometric figure on the floor with candles, Jane took a moment to think of what reasons she had to go through with this, her coworkers. It's true the girl had never been very popular, her gothic attire had got her mercilessly teased in high school, but she'd expected respect in work. Respect she got, fear included. Not a soul would speak to her, work was left on her desk without Jane even being able to catch who left it. She was never invited out for drinks, or for work barbeques and the seclusion of being a complete pariah drove her insane, not literally though, she thought as she lit the last candle and looked down at an old dusty book of spells.

Translata quid hocTune es qui terebravisse!

Omnia bona fortuna sit penitus ego sumquod aliquid geometriam

It looks like another is summoning

Whose turn is it?

It’sssss yoursssss we think

Alright

As Jane finished her ritual the flames brightened to an unbearable white; Jane curled into a ball, shielding her eyes in her lap, bracing for whatever will leave the ring.

This was a bad idea

She can't help but think just a little too late,

And then,

plick!

Jane rubbed her head as she stared at what dropped on her from above. She gently picked up the item to examine it, a tiny blue rhombus made of wood. Is this? Jane couldn't help but be reminded of the tangram toys she used to play with as a child.

“Excuse me?”

Jane's head snapped up to look at the voice in the ring, the flames burned duller now, but even still she could only see a silhouette as it stood in the circle. Was it human? No. Although at first glance the figure looked human, She noticed an extra arm tearing through its elbow, and only one eye on the left side of his face. Jane could only stare on in horror at the thing she had summoned, and it got no better as it stepped from the ring. It wasn't even flesh, maybe if it was at least skin and bones Jane could manage, but it's entire body was those little colored blocks, each one twitching as the thing stepped forward. It looked like it's unliving gaze could kill her, but then it did something odd, it laughed.

“Could I have that back?” The thing mused. Jane was finally freed from her paralysis enough to look to the block in her hand and back at the creature. “Yes, that.” It stood there chuckling to itself until Jane shakily handed the block over. “thanks kitten.” It snapped the piece into the end of his hand, creating a sound not unlike bones snapping. Jane shuddered. “Soooo?” The thing took another step forward, the candles going out and the lights coming on; Jane scrambled to her feet and jumped back.

“Stay BACK!” Jane shouted at the thing, causing it to pause.

“Rude.” It had no concern for her fear, or at least didn't act like it, “after you called me and all.” Jane felt her adrenaline fade slightly, after all it, no he, Jane decided, didn't seem hostile at all. Maybe he did just want to help. That's his purpose, she supposed

“Um, yes,” she paused, “ I uhh need you-”

“Lemme guess, you've got some half baked revenge plot against your peers because they don't understand you because you're goth.”

“How?”

“That's everyone's plan kitten. Everyone I've met at least.” He rolled his one eye, leaning against the side wall.

“It's Jane.”

He grinned.

“Nice ta’ meet cha’ Jane!” His arm thrusted towards her, the force pulling the pieces of his arm apart slightly before snapping back in their place, “Name’s Chao.”

Jane's brow furrowed.

“Like the dog?”

“No not the dog,” Chao grimaced, “like the Latin word for chaos!” He threw his arms in the air for dramatic effect.

“How original,” she quipped.

“You're right, they created a word based on my name and now it's so overdone,” Chao frowned, deep in thought. Jane paused, considering if it was possible for Chao to be that old.

“So, Chao,” she paused, mulling over her thoughts, “Can you do it?”

“Can I do it?” He seemed insulted, “yes I can do it, I can do anything. I'm a chaos god.”

Jane seemed temporarily stunned.

“You, you're not a demon?” She fumbled through her spell book, “I could've sworn you should've just been a low level demon, something harmless..”

“Well I'm not kitten, sorry,” He obviously didn’t mean it.

“So what do I need to do?” Jane took a step closer, “do you need my blood, my soul?”

“No!” Once again, Jane seemed to offend the thing with her stereo typical knowledge.

“Then what?”

Chao paused.

“Nothin’”

“What do you mean nothing? You're just going to help me?!”

“Sure, I'm bored; ever since you humans invented the internet you've been doing my job for me, it's total discord,” he crossed its arms in a bizarre formation to account for the extra limb. He even pouted slightly, making Jane wonder if Chao was actually a threat.

“Alright. Well, uh, should we?” Jane had no idea what to do, she’d never summoned anything, and certainly never something like this.

“Do you have a plan?” Chao quizzed, “anything? All of your peers? Dead or just tormented? Anyone have phobias?”

“I don't know!” Jane shouted, shutting Chao up for the time being, “I didn't think about it,” she sighed, “I didn't think at all.”

“Don't worry about it kitten, I'm patient,” he curled an arm around her and she flinched; His body was cold and hard, as you would expect wood to be, not at all comforting to be held by, and certainly not helping Jane be less afraid. She tried to politely step away, and chao didn't seem to be offended by the gesture.

“Why don't you take some time to think it over? I don't know get some food or something, Just calm down,” Chao, finally content with their progress in talking, started looking around the room he'd been summoned in.

“Uh, are you hungry?” Jane examined Chao, “Do you need to eat at all?”

“No,” Chao paused, “or if I do, it's only once every thousand years. However, if you're offering.”

“You can have some pizza,” she offered, slightly wary of accidentally insulting the god again, “I can't eat one in just one sitting anyway.”

The two headed back to the living room, in order to continue planning their evil plot.

Jane knew the pizza delivery girl personally, Sammy, she’d learned over time. Jane ordered pizza at least twice a week, so they spoke often. This meant when the usually dead faced Jane answered the door nervous and full of thought Sally took notice.

“What ‘sa matter J?” Sammy asked through a mouth full of bubble gum.

“Hmm? Nothing.” Jane hurriedly took the food constantly glancing behind her to make sure the monster she'd summoned stayed out of sight.

“You gotta boy over don’cha?” She proceeded to blow and pop another bubble as Jane's face turns bright red.

“No no no Sammy you got it all wrong!”Jane stumbled over her words but Sammy just laughed.

“No I didn’t, I can read you like a book J,” she smirked, “Just stay safe, a'ight?”

Jane was temporarily stunned by the implications of Sammy’s remark. If Sammy only knew what was going on she wouldn't joke about how “safe” Jane should be. Jane stood there long after the delivery girl was gone. Long enough for Chao to slink out of his hiding spot and waltz over.

“that's what food looks like now?” Chao eyed the box.

“Chao when were you last summoned?” Jane was honestly curious. As they waited for food, Chao had explored everything in her house and seemed familiar with very little of it. Chao paused, before counting on his hand.

“1875,” he declared, nodding slightly as he checked the math in his head

“1875? You're kidding!” She looked at him as if he was even more insane than she'd already determined.

“Nope.” Chao snagged the box and pivoted, placing it on the table.

“So you've never seen cars, or cellphones or laptops?” She offered, trying to better understand.

“I've seen cars,” Chao retorted, “I stayed here until 1903, cars were invented in 1885. Plus, I'm not an idiot, I know what cellphones and computers are.” He shifted, his pieces slanting slightly as he leaned. “Just never seen them.” Jane nodded, understanding a little better. As she plated their dinner she dared to ask, “what kind of deal did you make that took almost 30 years to complete?” Chao somehow seemed to go even more rigid.

“The kind that isn't your business.”

Not wanting to aggravate him anymore, Jane handed Chao a plate and a soda.

“Thank you,” Chao sighed, before sitting on the couch.

It's going to be a long night

They both decided.

Morning was never a good time for young adults, and as Jane found out, it wasn't very good for Chao either. As the girl got up and ate leftover pizza for breakfast and clumsily got dressed, the monster she had summoned laid motionless on a recliner.

I hope he's not dead.

Jane thought, then momentarily puzzled if he even could die. Would the pieces just collapse? As she stared and wondered, Chao finally rose, stretching his three arms and groaning like a teenager on the first day of school. They both just watched each other for a moment, but Chao was the first to speak.

“It's rude to stare,” he mustered, throwing his weight off the couch in a movement Jane was sure would make his body collapse. It didn't and he stared at her a moment more before walking over and snagging the last slice of pizza.

“Made up your mind on your revenge?” Chao asked, an impersonation of a stereotypical villain creeping over his words, in an obviously mocking tone. He expected her to chastise him, as most humans thought it would be acceptable to do, but she just stopped chewing and stared at her counter momentarily.

“Can you make me more likable?” She didn't even look up at him as the hushed words left her mouth.

“Whoa, whoa this is a big shift from yesterday,” Chao looked her over, not expecting her to have changed her mind so quickly.

“ well yeah, but it's only because you said it.”

Chao paused. Humans weren't usually ones to take advice from weirdos. Humans wouldn't even listen to other humans if they were too weird. If Chao had known how easily Jane would listen to him, he would’ve used his words much differently.

“I can't hurt anyone Chao. You're right, I just chose to be mad and didn't think, and now you're here and-”.

“Calm down,” Chao insisted, “This isn't some anime where I'm gonna eat your soul or something because you accidentally summoned me. You're fine.” Despite his annoyed tone, Chao’s words seemed to calm Jane slightly. “Besides,” he continued, “I can't enter this plane of existence without being summoned, so, y'know, you kinda did me a favor anyway.”

“Wait, you were banished from here?”

“Well yes, but-”

Jane suddenly seemed panic stricken. “So are you gonna try and murder us, or destroy the world, or enslave-”

Once again Jane's ramblings were cut short.

“I said CALM DOWN!” Chao’s pieces clicked together, his anger more apparent. “Yes I was banished we ALL were. Just because you humans won't let us on your plane doesn't mean we'll just blindly destroy everything jeez!” Chao huffed and dug his teeth into the remaining pizza crust. Jane nodded.

“Sorry.” She looked away from him again and Chao simply scoffed. “It's just, no one's seen anything like you in hundreds of years, you'll have to forgive me for being a bit…”

“Of an ass?”

“I was going to say presumptuous.”

“I wasn't.” Chao grinned and looked at Jane, who laughed a little at the remark.

“I should get to work, would you be ok staying here until I get back?”

“You still want me here?” Chao looked her over for an explanation, maybe she was just tired.

“Well I'm obviously not just gonna let you leave without helping me with something.”

Maybe we’ll get along alright after all. They both thought.

#For All Of Us #Chao #Jane #critisism welcome #first text post

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twxntrash · 8 years ago

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The Moon is Beautiful, Isn’t It? Ch. 3

By the second week, the school had finally let go of the training wheels for their students. Enough class time spent getting to know your classmates, teachers or just going over the kinds of things they’d be taught. Instead, now the class was in full swing and the teachers were actually teaching the students finally. Honestly, Peridot was beyond ecstatic with it. If she had to do one more kindergarten level game just to learn that the boy next to her was named Billy and had been to Chicago once, she was going to scream.

She went to school to learn about the subjects she was studying, to learn about programming and history and math and so on, not what her classmate's favorite shows were or where her teacher grew up.

The only two classes she had that didn’t take the entire first week before getting into gear was gym, which had started off the first day with the rigorous, brutal workouts, and art. By day two, Ms. Lazuli had already started lectures, and last Friday she sent the class off to their weekend with the assignment of brainstorming for their first project and had not-so-subtly hinted that they would need to explain why they drew what they drew.

Now it was Monday and Peridot still wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. It wasn’t like their first art project was going to be difficult by any means. It was just a sketch they were supposed to make that made use of shading and perspective. But, Lazuli wanted the sketch to be about something important to them for their first assignment.

Peridot couldn’t say she really had too many things that were all that important to her. Percy was dear to her, but, she failed at an epic proportion when it came to drawing cats and dogs. But, she was at a bit of a loss today. She didn’t even have an idea of what to do for her sketch, and they were supposed to start working on that today. Maybe she could ask Ms. Lazuli for an extension, claim she was busy the entire weekend helping her mother out in Empire City.

No, Peridot doubted that excuse would fly with her art teacher.

But, the girl was early enough to her first class that maybe she could try to figure something out while waiting for class to start. She could think of some reasons on the fly, pass any stuttering and stammer off as being shy. Not like the class was going to pay any real attention.

Reaching the door, she gave the knob a turn so she could enter, but found the door wouldn’t budge. Pursing her lips, she tried again to no avail. Strange. Maybe she’d come too early and Ms. Lazuli hadn’t unlocked the door yet. If that was the case, then Peridot had no choice but to wait for the teacher to arrive so she could take her seat in the back.

Truthfully… Peridot wasn’t sure what to make of Ms. Lapis Lazuli just yet. Throughout the entire week, she felt like her teacher was watching her. It sent chills up her spine, but every time she’d look up, those blue eyes were either watching some other part of the class or skimming through papers on her desk. Then, whenever Lapis walked by, it felt like she would purposely move as close as she could to Peridot. Be it brushing past her so they just barely touched, or making sure to draw in close whenever she came to their table to scold Amethyst, and sometimes Peridot as well, for making a ruckus in class. When she did that, Peridot felt so terrifyingly small, like a mouse before a lion.

She wasn’t sure if she was just imagining it or not, but it was driving Peridot mad. If Lapis was watching her during class and purposely penetrating her personal space without regard than Peridot wanted to know why . What did she ever do to make Lapis so… so… she didn’t even know how to describe her teacher, that’s how bad it was getting.

Maybe it was all in her head. She wanted it to all be in her head, that would be so much easier to handle. She could take some pills and things would feel more normal.

“Peridot? What are you doing here so early?”

As the saying goes; speak of the Devil and she shall appear. Lapis Lazuli was approaching her from down the hall, one hand carrying her travel mug, and on her opposite shoulder was the straps to one of those artists tote bags. She seemed genuinely puzzled by seeing the blonde outside the class door. But, Peridot was more puzzled by her teacher's appearance.

She had bags under her eyes, and her eyes themselves were slightly bloodshot. Sunglasses were perched atop her head as though she’d just pushed them up when she entered the school. Her hair wasn’t as neatly combed as it usually was, and her outfit wasn’t nearly as put together as she’d been last week. All in all, the teacher looked like a mess today.

“I got here early- are you okay, Ms. Lazuli?” Peridot cut herself off when her teacher got closer, she could see Lapis flinching at the bright lights of the hall.

There was a sarcastic smile now when she heard Peridots question. She pushed past the blonde and fished out the keys from her pocket to unlock the door. “Don’t drink, kiddo. Especially when you’ve work in the morning ” was all she answered with.

Oh, great. Her teacher might be a drunk. What a nice thing to learn.

“I’m underage,” Peridot remarked with an eye roll as she stepped into the classroom as Ms. Lazuli turned on some of the lights. However, both stopped when they saw the current state the room was in.

“Jesus, fuck !” Lapis hissed as she saw the mess.

It was as though someone went to town with the supplies. Paint tubes and cans were strewn all over, clay left open and dried out all about the room. It looked like someone had even strewn paint around the room, caking the walls and floors and even the ceiling. Whatever order the room may have had the previous week was but a happy dream now. The room looked like a tornado had ripped through it.

Peridot blinked as she tentatively ran her finger over some dried up red paint, “This happens like once a year,” she said to her teacher as she shrugged out of her own surprise and trudged to her usual seat. Lapis stared at her as though she had spoken in a different language, blank confusion on her face so Peridot decided to offer a more precise explanation. “At least once a year some students vandalize a room or so. Though, usually, they just steal the supplies from the art room to wreck havoc on some other corner of the school. First time I’ve heard the art room becoming the victim.”

Last year someone had spray painted all over the gym different Pokemon badges and symbols. The year before it, someone drew dicks all over the hallway floors. Peridot was actually pretty sure that one was Amethyst. This year wasn’t anything as ‘creative’ as its predecessors, but they made way more of a mess than the orderly vandalism of the previous years.

Lapis groaned as she took to her desk and sank into her chair, “It’s going to take forever to try and clean this room up,” she grumbled as she buried her face in her hand. “First yesterday and now today, can this week get any better?” it was a bitter remark as she sent a glare up to the ceiling, as though she was trying to stare down God, challenging him to just mess with her more.

A part of Peridot want to try and offer some form of help to her teacher, but the other, much larger part of her decided it’d be better and safer to just stay here in the back and try hope the teacher forgot she was there. It would only be a matter of time until other students came in anyways.

Though, she did feel a little sorry for her. Hungover and having to deal with coming to find her classroom was made into a mess. Well, at least for now Lapis was glaring at the desk rather than looking at Peridot, so, she could breathe a little easier for the time being.

As she had expected, students did start to come after a little bit. Taking up their usual tables and laughing amongst themselves. The volume of the growing class must have been torture because Lapis was holding onto her head as though it might explode. Peridot knew the feeling of an awful hangover all too well and couldn’t help but wince as well as though she was the one suffering the headache too, even if she wasn’t.

“Hey! P!” Amethyst greeted loudly as she entered the room and made a quick beeline to their table. Her eyes practically had stars in them as she took her seat, “Peri, you aren’t going to believe what me and Pearl did this weekend!” she said quickly as she leaned towards her friend, the smile on her face was damn near infectious because Peridot couldn’t help the way her lips quirked upwards when she saw it.

“What’d you guys do? Did you finally get her to a Mike Krol concert?”

“Nah! It was cooler than that!” Amethyst shook her head and grabbed a hold of Peridot by both her shoulders, “Peri, I got her to come to one of my wrestling matches, you know, the ones in the ring by the warehouse hosted by Mr. Smiley!”

Peridots eyes widened, “No way, Pearl hates going there! You’re joking, you’ve got to be!”

“I’m telling the truth. It’s hard to believe it myself.” Amethyst was laughing as she began retelling the story of her weekend, “We were just chilling and chatting and I brought up that I’d need to prepare for my match later that day, and Pearl, she just tried to be casual as she said it but man was it so awkward--it was adorable-- she went on how it seemed so important to me, and how I always had fun and that, well, she used a lot of words I don’t even remember, you know how she is. But she basically asked me if she could come, and she came. It was amazing! I got to show off all my best moves to my best girl!”

Peridot was grinning wide by this point, “Really? Amethyst, I’m so happy for you!” They both knew that Amethyst had been trying to get Pearl to go to one of her matches for ages since Amethyst went to all of Pearls dance recitals. The fact that she went to one, and without Amethyst even asking her too, well that was a shocking but wonderful thing.

“Yeah. Damn, I’d never felt so alive in that ring until I heard Pearl cheering me on,” Amethyst leaned back in her chair, she had a smile on her face, a soft, gentle smile. Her entire expression was that of love and adoration for her girlfriend, “She was so worried too when I was done with my match. Mother henning me the entire time and scolding me for the bruises I got. But, hey if she’s worrying about me that just goes to show she cares about me so I can’t get upset over a bit of nagging from her.”

“You guys are just… something,” the blonde murmured as she shook her head. They were nothing alike yet the two had complimented each other so perfectly. It was the kind of couple someone didn’t see that often.

Amethyst gave a soft chuckle, “Heh… yeah.”

The two fell silent as class began, Lapis did remarkably well with the bright lights and usual noise of the art room despite her hangover. With the schedule for the day scrawled out on the board, she wasted little time getting the class to work. Handing out large papers to sketch on, various pencils, erasers, and any other tools the students would need for their assignment for the day.

“You guys can start the actual drawing in a bit,” the teacher said as she passed by the tables to hand out the supplies, “First, we’re going to go through and you’re each going to tell us what you’re sketching and why. Remember, the sketch is of something important to you.”

Oh, the moment that Peridot dreaded. She’d gotten distracted when she came into the room that she forgot to even think of the last minute idea for her sketch. She had nothing to say when the class discussion reached her. Being in the back had it’s benefits and it’s repercussions. She was either among the first or last during moments like these when everyone in the class had to speak and, statistically speaking, the class tended to remember the first and the last more clearly than the students between. Meaning that they were going to remember her fumbling and not having anything to show for today.

No, no, she still had time. There were about fifteen students before her, she could quickly think of something important and why it’s important to her while everyone else was talking. It wasn’t over yet.

Some student up in the front, Buck or something, said his sunglasses and Peridot zoned out on his reason for why. Another student had their car, one their cat. The class was going through this rather quickly, far faster than Peridot was able to try and process an idea of her own. It was funny how the brain went blank when you were desperate for an idea. There were far to many people saying cellphones so she couldn’t do that.

They were up to her table now and Amethyst puffed her chest out in pride as she spoke, “My sketch is of a wrestling ring,” she announced, “Cause, anyone who knows me know I love wrestling, so what better to show that then to sketch the ring?”

Lapis nodded at that, “I see, thank you, Amethyst,” she said and her eyes locked onto Peridot next, “And you, Peridot? What are you sketching?”

Feeling as though the entire class was staring at her, Peridot squirmed in her seat as her nerves made her feel like she might throw up, “I… well, you see I’m sketching…” she didn’t dare look up from her table, not at her classmates or even risk meeting gazes with Lapis. “I’m sketching my… my game consoles!” she said it so quickly that she felt her face drain and then all the blood rush to it. Hesitantly she looked up and Lapis was still staring at her, waiting for her to go on, “I mean, I like gaming,” her voice found confidence as she spoke, “I like video games a lot, they’re fun and they can have great stories. I really like my consoles too, so… I was going to sketch them.”

Despite having grown more confident in her answer as she spoke her explanation, it all fell into a timid quiet note as Lapis continued to watch her. After what felt like forever, though it was more like a few seconds, the teacher gave a nod. Satisfied with Peridot’s answer.

“Good, I look forward to your sketch.”

With that, the class was free to start on their project and the rum fell into a moderate hum of noise as they chatted while they worked. Peridot couldn’t help but feel like a weight was taken off her chest and she could breathe properly when she took her paper. She managed to get away with that despite being so painfully unprepared and no one seemed to have noticed.

The rest of the class time went with her trying her best on her sketch despite having absolutely no idea on what to do for it. So, she was doing her consoles, did she want to do them all or do it one or two. The suffering of having too many gaming consoles, she supposed. And of not preparing beforehand. But, once she got into the motion, it was easier to work on. Occasionally she’d glance over to Amethysts to see her progress or to chat with her a little bit.

As usual, she felt like she was being watched the entire class time, but each time she looked up there was no one looking at her. It was strange, but, she was doing better at ignoring it compared to last week.

Eventually, the class came to its end and the sketches were collected at the front. Being at the back of the room left Peridot and Amethyst among the last ones to drop their sketches off on Lazuli’s desk and head to the door. However, before Peridot could scurry off into the freedom of the hall, she was stopped by her name being called.

“Peridot,” Lapis said slowly, waiting for the short student to turn and face her. Had she done something wrong? She wasn’t sure, Lapis’ expression seemed friendly enough, but that didn’t promise anything, “If you could, can I ask you to come back during your open period? I could use a hand in sorting out this mess of a room.”

Oh, right. Lapis knew she had a free period in her schedule. Honestly, Peridot didn’t necessarily want to give up her hour of peace and freedom, but, she couldn’t bring it in her to refuse a teacher of a request.

“Oh, um, sure,” Peridot mumbled, scratching at her neck as she looked away, “I can help, it’s no problem.”

Lapis almost seemed relieved when Peridot agreed, “Thank you. Really, thanks,” she breathed, smiling at her student, “Now, you should be off. I’ll see you later.”

It had only been two hours since the first period, and it felt like two years.

Lapis was in misery and regret all day, though she was doing remarkably well at hiding it from the other teachers. She wished she hadn’t drunk as much as she did the previous night because she was suffering sevenfold for it now. Her head was throbbing like someone was playing a never-ending drum solo inside her skull, the light hurt her eyes, and she was just so tired and sore. To make it even worse, the mess made of her art room didn’t do anything to help her mood.

All the woman wanted was to go home, crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the week. She was swearing off alcohol forever after this.

Though, her morning class wasn’t all suffering. It was a pleasant surprise to find Peridot already at the door before she’d gotten to unlock it. A few moments of privacy with the student that she would have fully taken advantage of despite her hangover if the state of her classroom hadn’t ruined that. Then watching her stammer to try and come up with a plausible subject for her sketch and try to think of a reasoning was amusing. Lapis had known right off the bat that Peridot had only just decided to use her gaming consoles as the focus on the sketch when she was called on. The woman had her fair share of last minute ideas during her years in art classes to recognize one when she saw one.

She was glad that Peridot didn’t try to argue or refuse when Lapis asked her to come to the room during her free period to help clean up the mess it had become. She wasn’t sure how well it would have gone if she tried to argue with Peridot to get her to join. So much easier if she did it of her own free will.

Yikes, almost sounded like she was trying to force Peridot into doing something illegal. Lapis was going to blame the alcohol for it.

A soft knock on the door and the slow sound of it creaking open alerted her of Peridot’s entrance before the girl even stepped foot into the room. She could already feel her mood, soured by her hangover, lifting up when she saw that round face of hers, and quickly moved to stand up from her desk.

“Glad you could make it,” Lapis said as she approached her student, “It wasn’t too much a problem, was it?”

Peridot wasn’t meeting her eyes, something she found amusing, though a bit disheartening, “I, it’s all okay. Free period, remember? Didn’t have any school work yet anyways.”

“That’s good! Can’t let little old me cut into your academics.”

Peridot mumbled something in return. It was clear that she wasn’t exactly comfortable being one on one with Lapis, and that didn’t bother the woman too much. She was just glad to have some time to talk to Peridot without prying eyes of her other students or fellow teachers. What better time to get to know the student then by having her help her in the classroom while everyone else was gone?

Smiling, Lapis clapped her hands together, “Well, let’s get to work.”

With that, they were off in the room, doing their best to clean up the mess that the vandalizer that made. Lapis tried to strike up some conversations, though Peridot didn’t seem too much for talking. That didn’t stop her from trying and more. Oh, she certainly did more than just try to talk to the blonde.

Every time she got near Peridot, Lapis would be sure to brush against her. If she handed her something then she’d purposely make them touch, she would linger far too close for far too long. Since there were shelves too high for Peridot, Lapis even hovered over her, stretched out with Peridot sometimes wedged between the wall and her to put away or take out whatever the blonde had been trying to reach.

Oh, she just loved the blush that Peridot got whenever she did that.

Her headache was still a problem though, and as time passed the pain only grew even worse. It was a hinderance and one Lapis could really do without.

“Are you okay, Miss?” Peridot asked as she paused in scrubbing away some glue that had been poured onto a window sill. “You kind of look like you’re in pain.”

Offering a smile, Lapis waved her off, “It’s okay, just… hangover is a bitch.” She’d be happy if Peridot left it alone and they could continue to work and her continue with her fun. But, it seemed like her student had other plans.

Worrying her lip between her teeth, Peridot hesitated a few moments before she spoke up again, “You know… I have some aspirin in my bag if that’ll help,” she offered.

Lapis perked up at hearing that, “Really? Yeah, that’ll help a lot, thanks,” she murmured as she followed Peridot up to her messenger bag, being handed the small bottle of pills. Taking a couple of pills, she tossed them in and swallowed them down, “Thanks a lot, Peri, this should help curb my headache some.”

“Um, yeah… no problem,” she mumbled, blushing a little when Lapis used the nickname instead of her whole name. As she put the medicine back in her bag, she spared a glance up at the teacher, “So… um… why did you get drunk last night? Teaching that rough?”

Lapis laughed at that, “Only just started teaching, don’t think I have the right to become an alcoholic from it just yet,” she grinned as she gathered up some materials that she’d been working on before the pills, “Just had a bad date last night, and between the choices of get drunk or listen to her obnoxious spiel any more, I chose the alcohol.”

Peridot stared at her, clearly surprised that Lapis’ date was another woman, to which the woman only smiled coyly at. After a few seconds of fumbling for words, Peridot followed Lapis who was now making her way into the supply closet to drop off the discarded art tools, “If I can ask… how was it a bad date? I mean… you’re, well, you’re not ugly.” it was so awkward of a remark that Lapis almost dropped her boxes when she laughed at the mortification on Peridots face.

“Thanks, I’m glad you think I’m not ugly,” she teased, moving to put the box on one of the shelves, “Honestly, it wasn’t even me. My date just ended up being a bitch. She was nice last Monday when we had a date at the bar, but yesterday I guess she showed her true colors. You don’t want to hear it.”

“I kind of do, actually,” Peridot answered quickly. Quickly enough to make Lapis raise a brow. Maybe she was just kind of in the mood for gossip, it didn’t matter. Lapis didn’t mind sharing her terrible date stories.

Shrugging, Lapis leaned against one of the shelves, “Where do I start?” she asked grinning, “First off, when she got to the bar she was late, I could forgive that. I’m not too nitpicky when it comes to timeliness, so long as I’m not waiting thirty minutes without a call. But, then she spent more time talking about things going on her phone or dissing the beer she was drinking. I guess she was just trying to act all sweet and nice the first date so she could score a second. She acted like she was the queen of the universe and that we should all bow to her, even complained that I didn’t dress nice enough to have a date with her.”

“Seriously?” Peridot gawked and shook her head, “That’s just rude.”

“I know! And guess what she did for a living.”

Peridot raised a brow now, thinking it over, “Secretary?” she offered after a few seconds.

Lapis shook her head, “Nope,” she answered, laughing a little, “She did a fat load of nothing. Said I got the bottom-barrel job being a teacher while she didn’t even have a job. At least I was employed, but she claimed she didn’t need a job. Not so long as she could leech off the money of her rich dad or whatever.”

“Jesus, you certainly got the bottom of the barrel date is what it sounds like,” Peridot whistled in disbelief.

“Yeah, and after that, I just ignored her in favor for a steady stream of whiskey, and you can see the results of that,” Lapis pointed at herself with a little grin. As she spoke she could hear the bell go off, and a glance at her watch told that they had been in the room for both the initial hour and for the lunch hour. Oh well. Peridot must have noticed too, not that she looked annoyed by it at all, but Lapis got her attention back to her by leaning forward to close some distance between her and Peridot. She wanted to mess with her one last time before sending the blonde to her next class, there was a mischievous look in her eyes now. “What about you?” she asked.

Blinking, Peridot tilted her head as she took a wary step back, “Um… what do you mean?” she asked after a moment.

Lapis followed her with a step foward to keep the distance between them short, “I mean, how about you and the dating field?” she asked her, “You must have dated some people, right?”

“Of course! I’ve people lining up to go on a date with me!” Peridot boasted quickly, hopping back a few feet, giving a nervous grin while pointing a pair of finger guns at Lapis, “No man or woman can resist the charms of the Great and Lovable Peridot!”

They stood there for a few second, Lapis and Peridot just staring at each other in silence after that before Lapis finally broke out into soft laughter.

“You’re too cute,” Lapis snorted as she covered her mouth with a hand. Seriously, Peridot was just too much, from appearance to behavior, she was just so precious and innocent, Lapis just couldn’t help but smile at that dorky, cheesy smile and finger guns pointed at her.

The blondes face heated up a bit as she brought a hand to the back of her own neck, averting her gaze in embarrassment, “Ah… thanks, heh,” she mumbled back.

Peridot would have to get going soon, they both knew that. The next class starts in roughly five minutes and the senior wasn’t one to miss or be late. But, Lapis wasn’t all to ready to go and say bye to the little nerd and wait until tomorrow to see her again just yet. She wanted a little more time to talk and laugh and to cherish this bubbly feeling Peridot was causing in her chest. Well, there was one thing she could do to try and extend her time with Peridot a bit.

“Say, since I made you miss lunch to help me out, why don’t I take you out somewhere after school to get some food?” Lapis offered with a smile, “My treat. It’s the least I can do, you helped me out big time, and you didn’t get to have lunch.”

At hearing her offer, Peridot shrunk back, looking out of the supply closet of the art room nervously, as though there were eyes watching them and ears listening in on their conversation. “I… I don’t know,” she answered, “Is it even appropriate? I mean, you’re my teacher, should you really be taking me out to lunch?”

“What’s so wrong about it?” Lapis shot back innocently, tilting her head as she looked down at Peridot. “We’re just going to eat, friends go out and eat all the time, so why should you and I catching a bite be anything different?”

“W-Well… I, it’s just…”

Placing her hands on Peridots shoulders, Lapis forcefully, but still gently enough, turned the blonde around and gave her a light shove out of the closet, “I’ll let you think it over. If you do decide to take me up on my offer than meet me here after classes, okay?” Lapis offered as she picked up Peridots bag and handed it to her after she got out of the supply room herself, “As for now, you should get your ‘great and lovable’ self off to your next class.”

She couldn’t help but love the embarrassed look on Peridots face when she used her own self-describing phrase against her. Though she may not say it out loud in case others might hear, the blue haired woman just found it adorable. Her smile never left as Peridot stammered a goodbye and hurried out of the art room.

Hopefully Peridot would take her up on her offer.

#TMIB #cam writes shit #Lapidot

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powertobehandsome · 7 years ago

Text

In the Wake || Andrew and Ryan

Part one. I broke this up by scene. But I love these two a whole hell of a lot. Also, pretty sure this is the only safe for work part. XD ily. || @theveritasi

“What do you think Seth and Matt are up to?” Foggy asked Ryan, once his bagel popped out of the toaster. “And you said – Montparnasse went off with an assassin? Like, what, to – assassinate people together? That’s kind of – ow, ow, hot – disturbing.” He sucked on his fingertips, then started putting cream cheese on.

“Probably having sex on the still littered with dinner dining room table?” Ryan replied casually, shrugging as he said it. “And as for the other two? I didn’t ask much about what they do together. I know that the one guy is the one who… I mean, I was there when he delivered Elektra and Seth. But he’s a damn good shot with a gun. Scary good. And… I suppose his accent is kinda hot….

"Erm. Sorry. Montparnasse’s shamelessness I think is getting to my head.”

Foggy shrugged and came back over with the bagel, then plopped down on the couch with him. “So… how are you doing? I mean – I kinda thought, and I don’t mean any offense, but I wasn’t sure if there was something between you and the little guy? Was it just professional, um, whatever he does? CIA?”

Foggy immediately raised his hands. “Not that I am asking what he does. I really, really don’t want to know the truth.”

“I mean… He literally healed my gunshot wound with a kiss. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t have slept with him. But there was no… I’m not quite as quick to fall in love with people as Seth is…” Ryan sighed. “Sorry. I don’t mean that to sound like he jumps from one person to the next. He doesn’t. Actually, I haven’t seen him with someone in a few years. But when he starts to fall for someone, he goes all in.”

This hadn’t been at all what Foggy had asked, and Ryan looked awkwardly down at his hands. “This is why I don’t talk much. I don’t know what ‘Parnasse does. Few afternoons over there and I’m still as unsure as ever.”

“If it’s any consolation, we’ve known him about a year, and I still don’t even know what neighborhood he lives in. Super secretive little guy. Hey, you want a beer?” Foggy popped up to get himself one, and paused at the fridge.

“Please,” Ryan called back, his arm stretching along the back of the couch. “So, has there been any more threats from Elektra’s minions since the day she died?”

“Not that I’ve heard… as far as I know, everything’s just like, normal and stuff.” He came back with the beer and sat down again, handing Ryan his. “So are you okay, though? And if I am prying too much, just let me know, I know I pry, it’s a thing. But you and Montparnasse, are you bummed? Cause I bet I could totally beat up the… what is the other guy? French? I could totally take him.”

“The assassin? He’s English, I think. And it’s like he has this high-class tinge to his accent, but he tries to hide it. Like he’s ashamed of the money he probably came from. And I mean… I’m maybe a little bummed. Though, the guy is like… forty. A professional hitman. And, honestly, he’s not bad looking. Have you ever seen pictures of Wade Wilson without his mask? Seth showed them to me a year or so ago while he was working on one of his stories. I think that is what Wilson would look like if his skin hadn’t been fucked up.”

Ryan shrugged and took a sip of the beer, seeming to relax as it worked through his body. “I’m plenty happy spending my time in New York looking at architecture and historical sites. Or relaxing with friends. I don’t really need a whirlwind romance. It’s fine if it comes. But…” He shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“Hey, you’re worth more than just a fling anyway. But like, at least if the little guy is hanging out with you and doing whatever shaaady stuff you guys have been doing, that’s got to mean something, right? Cause the vibe I got off him? Is he’s like that X-Files thing. Trust No One. Or… no, yeah, yeah, that was on at least one episode, instead of the truth is out there.

"So architecture though, huh? Are you like – is that what you do?”

Ryan nodded. “I worked construction as a teenager before the Cohen’s took me in. Then Kirsten worked in her father’s housing development company. And I got to be around floor plans and home designs, and they put me in a really great private school which actually gave me the opportunity to go to college…

“I work in a small firm now, making my way one design at a time. But I’m doing it on my own. Kirsten didn’t set me up with the job. So I… guess I’m kind of happy with what I’ve accomplished. But what about you, Foggy? Any romances to speak of?”

“Nah…” He sighed. “I’m super in love with our assistant, Karen, but there’s nothing there, I mean. I think she just has eyes for Matt, you know? Which most people do. Doesn’t matter who. He just…. ssshhhhhp, draws them in. And sometimes I sleep with a shark, Marcy, but she’s…. scary. Like really scary. Also not a relationship. I dunno. Maybe some things just aren’t meant to be right away, right?

"You must be really smart though. Isn’t that basically all math?”

“Math is what I’m good at, yeah. But it’s… I don’t know, Architecture in college wasn’t quite what I expected it to be. You had four hour studio classes twice a week to work on "rough models” for your final project. And the teacher would assign like… thirty models to be completed. And then it was sketches, which I’m not terribly great at, but I know how a building works, I took a few engineering classes to accompany it because what good does a building do you if it’s pretty but not structurally sound.“ Ryan shrugged. "Math is easy. There’s always one correct answer. And… fitting a building together is sometimes like tetris. It’s a puzzle. I enjoy it.”

“And I know what you mean about the girls, or the relationships, I guess. Sometimes it just doesn’t work because it’s not meant to right then.”

“Yeah… but it’s nice to have warm fuzzy feelings anyway, even if they aren’t returned.” He took another swallow of the beer, bit the bagel, then made an excited sound. When he could talk again, he asked, “Have you been to the underground grave thing in Paris? That’s a thing, right? That’s supposed to be really interesting with – I’m sorry, I literally don’t anything about architecture, just exciting stuff I see on YouTube, but, have you?”

“I haven’t. I kept telling myself I was going to get out of the county. Especially since literally everybody I know in California has been. But I just never made it out. I read about them in school though.” Ryan sat back and listened to the thunder rattle the windows and the rain pour down. He drank the beer slowly, and let it warm his face. “I see Seth got you caught up on the good bagels. That kid… he got it from his dad. Bagels are a Jewish holy commodity.”

“I think they’re an everybody holy commodity. Want a bite? Also, you should go with Andrew. I can’t, we have another tenancy case coming up that’s probably going to take twenty hours a day because of stupid reasons, but Andrew mentioned going back to Europe and wanting to drag someone along. It’s kind of tough to picture him getting lonely cause, I mean, perfect man, but he said he was gonna go to a couple countries.. I’m not sure why though. Something about Transylvania? Maybe he needs to get in touch with his vampire side or something.”

People said things, and Ryan just nodded and went along with it. Assassins was the easiest to believe. Then superheroes and vampires. He didn’t know what was next, nor did he care to find out. But Ryan mulled over the proposal and pursed his lips in consideration. “I might do that, if he really wants someone to join him. I’m sure I can leave Seth here with Matt, though I’m sure he’ll be busy helping you with work. Still, Seth would make a pretty good housewife. Except he’s terrible about cleaning up after himself…” Ryan smirked. “Speaking of your job. I don’t think I’ve formally thanked you for what you did for us. And then… I remember… you sitting at my bedside. And just. You are a better friend than you are attorney, and for me, that is saying something. Because you were one hell of an attorney for me and Seth.”

Foggy was suddenly staring down at beer and bagel, trying not to cry. It was stupid how really nice, happy things just got to someone sometimes. After a minute, he just mentally said fuck it and leaned over and scooped Ryan up into a hug.

“Uugghhh, you made me cry, jerkface. Thank you. I’m glad that – you know. Glad to be your friend. Thanks.” Before the hug could get too long, he made himself let go. “Sorry. Um. Exuberant hugger.”

Ryan laughed awkwardly and hugged him back, but relaxed back onto the couch when he was released. “No worries. Did you… have any plans for tonight. It’s raining pretty hard. We could go crash whatever party Matt and Seth are having. Or we could go to a bar… though maybe not Josie’s. I don’t think they want me in there again.”

“Yeeaaaah let’s maybe avoid Josie’s for the time being.” He laughed and took another bite of the bagel. “If they’re having sex though, we should probably leave them alone. Is there anywhere you’ve wanted to go yet but haven’t? Wanna pick up Andrew on the way, tell him that he’s taking you with him?”

“I don’t actually know if they’re having sex. I just know Seth had planned to make him dinner. They’ve both seemed… pretty hesitant on the physical affection, or as far as I’ve seen. And Seth isn’t really shy about PDA. So I don’t know. Probably reading too much into it. But yeah, Andrew sounds like a good plan. I’m sure he’ll take us some place that even I can’t afford.”

“I dunno, man, you notice how they just constantly orient towards each other? Like if Seth moves, Matt adjusts a little, and vice versa? There’s totally something there. Like, something real, I think. And sweet, okay. Let me…” He hopped up, grabbed his phone, put it on speaker, and called Andrew – but it didn’t ring. Instead, there was a strange, static whooshing noise.

“What the…"

"Sorry,” Andrew said, materializing in the corner. “I was incorporeal. What’s up?”

“JESUS SHIT CHRIST OH MY FUCKING GOD!”

Ryan had jumped enough at hearing the man’s voice that his beer spilled over his hand and onto his jeans, but he didn’t actually say anything. When the reality of the situation settled, the tension visibly eased from his shoulders and he sat back on the couch, licking the beer from his hand.

“Do you always lurk in corners?”

“I wasn’t lurking! Are you two okay?"

"Well not now that you gave me a freaking heart attack!” Foggy waved the last bite of bagel at Andrew. “We were gonna invite you to go out, or maybe to crash Seth and Matt’s whatever they’re–"

Andrew made a face and shook his head. "Privacy for them tonight."

"Whaa— wow — okay — well – Ryan, you have anywhere in mind tonight? Or do we let Captain Sexypants pick?”

Ryan smirked at the face Andrew made. “I told you they were probably doing it on the dinner Seth made them tonight.” He stood and downed the rest of his beer before finding the recycling bin and tossing it in. “I have nowhere particular in mind. This is your city. And I am just looking to go along for the ride.”

Andrew smiled. Montparnasse was right, he thought, Ryan really was a charmer. He didn’t quite understand why 'Parnasse had practically fallen into Sebastian’s pants when he could have tried to go after something casual but sweet with this man, but to each their own.

“Alright. Well… if you guys leave it up to me, I’m going to drag you out to do karaoke with me."

"YES! I love karaoke! I mean. I’m the worst at it. But I can make your hands clap! Let me just – put on a different shirt. Cause this one smells like – ew. Law.” Foggy dashed into his bedroom.

Ryan watched Foggy go with an affectionate smile, and then looked back at Andrew, his lips pinching into a smile and an awkward sort of look around the room.

“So… karaoke? I don’t… I mean. I don’t dance. And I’m really not a… social butterfly, I guess. So I’m happy to go and watch you two charm the crowd. But I don’t really… get involved… with that kind of thing. I’m really no fun at all. But I’m good at watching other people have fun. So there’s that.”.

Curious, Ryan was tempted to ask for more details about Seth and Matt, but he also knew it was none of his business, so he paced a little, waiting for Foggy to return.

“Do crowds make you uncomfortable?” he asked, sounding apologetic. “Hey man, it’s cool, we’ll find something else to do. What sounds best to you? Because I am super flexible."

Foggy came out holding a dark blue shirt in one hand and a Hawaiian print in the other. "Which?”

“No. No. Shit. I’m sorry. That’s not at all the vibe I meant to give off. I want to go. I just… may not sing. But please. Don’t change the plans. I’m fine around crowds. I’m just awkward.” He felt like a dick for saying anything at all. “Sorry.

"The… Hawaiian,” Ryan said, even though the shirt was borderline offensive with how ugly it was. It fit the whole karaoke night theme of fun and ridiculousness. And Ryan thought it was perfect.

Foggy nodded and disappeared.

Andrew, feeling like a dick for having asked, said, “No, don’t be sorry. Please. One of my friends can’t do crowds at all, they make him just sort of – he locks up and can’t function if he gets caught in one. As long as you won’t be feeling bad, we’re totally good.” Since they were going somewhere casual as hell, and Andrew was already wearing an all-black suit, he stripped out of his jacket while they talked. The tie came off, and then his shirt; under, he had on a sleeveless, tight, black undershirt. He put the jacket back on, leaving it unbuttoned, and while some guys might have looked a little douchey, Andrew managed to look amazing – but being the next best thing to a model had its perks.

Foggy came out in shorts, sandals (with socks), the Hawaiian shirt, and a huge grin. “Okay. This is gonna be awesome. Ryan, I’d offer to loan you something, but all my stuff’s gonna be super baggy on you. Are we ready to rock and roll?”

Ryan was dressed in dark jeans and a charcoal grey t-shirt. He looked casual enough, but not overly so. and watching the two men stand side by side was the most amusing combination he’d ever seen. He smirked at Foggy, and then his eyes shifted again to Andrew – who Ryan had just appreciatively watched undress in the living room – and his gaze darkened just a little, likely unnoticeable to either party. He shook the settling lust away and cleared his throat.

“Shall we?” he asked, heading for the door and holding it open for both of them. “I… don’t mean to sound like a dick. But the stereotype for New Yorkers, is that none of you know how to drive. So, with my own safety planted somewhere in the back of my mind, how far away is this place? Do we get to take the subway? I’ve… that’s something I’m still yet to do. But if it’s too…” He looked at Andrew and smirked. “If it’s slumming it too much, we can always use another mode of transportation.”

“The subway? Oh, oh dear, no. No, mmm-mm. I hear there are locals down there.” Andrew grinned at Ryan as he passed by him, and Foggy awkwardly tried to hold the door for Ryan.

“I dunno, Andrew, maybe locals are juuuuust what you need. And the kid wants to take the subway! Let’s take the subway."

Andrew’s eyes were practically sparkling and he nodded. "Subway it is, then. And I’m not from New York, I know how to drive – for the record. I just don’t own a car."

Foggy snorted. "What’s a car? Hey, Ryan, what’s a car?”

“Don’t know. I drive a Range Rover.”

He had met Andrew’s sparkling eyes and lifted a brow in response, following him out the door when Foggy tried to be the one to hold it, and then waited for him to lock it before they set off.

Ryan was quiet through most of their walk to the nearest entrance to the subway, and he had to purchase a temporary card for two and a half dollars, but when he swiped it and stood on the deck waiting for the next train to arrive, there was something disgusting and wonderful and exciting about the whole thing. It was… maybe nothing special. But it made him happy to be there, with these two loons, on his way to go to a karaoke bar?

Fuck, if anybody had told him before he boarded the plane in California that this would be the adventure he’d encounter in New York, he would have laughed at them and stayed home and gone swimming in his pool. But now… Now he couldn’t be more grateful.

“Thank you, guys. I’m really glad to have made friends here.”

Foggy laughed and crushed both of them to his chest in a bear hug. “I’m glad, too. You’re awesome, Ryan, you are awesome."

—-

When they went back up into the world, Foggy was a little hesitant at the neighborhood. He had been in some rough places, but the street practically reeked of crime. For a moment he balked, but when Andrew walked out there like he hadn’t a care in the world, Foggy looked over at Ryan. "Ever sort of feel like your balls shrunk a little? Cause pretty sure mine did."

The bar wasn’t too far away from the station, and once they were there, Foggy’s hesitation flew out the window. It was crowded and a little seedy looking, but the energy made up for it. The people were happy here, there was a lot of laughter and cheer, and it was one of the most positive places he’d been in a long time, even with the two people up on stage yowling terribly into a microphone.

Andrew was already delighted, and he slipped an arm around both of their waists, holding each man for just a moment as if Ryan and Foggy were the most beautiful, wonderful, treasured people on the planet. "What are you guys drinking? I’ll go get them if you want to try and find a table or something?”

Ryan’s lips parted as he took in all the people, and he looked around, trying to spot some place they could all sit together. The closer to the stage it got, the scarcely populated the tables seemed to be. But Ryan figured that was exactly where Foggy and Andrew wanted to sit. A spot opened up, and Ryan patted Foggy on the chest and nodded in the direction of the table. He looked back at Andrew. “A seven and seven,” he replied, winking and then gesturing toward the front of the room. “We’ll be up there.”

They arrived at the table just before a few girls did, girls who batted their eyes at him one ran her hand along his thigh. He leaned in to whisper “I’m gay,” in her ear, and then pursed his lips apologetically. “He’s available, though,” he said, nodding toward Foggy. “And a lawyer. And, from what I’ve heard, a complete knock out in bed. But he has a tendency to date the high profile women, so I understand if you’re a little intimidated.”

Ryan was enjoying watching her expression shift with each thing he whispered to her, not even sure if Foggy was interested in hooking up, but if he didn’t then at least this girl would think it was because he was a snob and didn’t think she was “high profile” enough.

He wasn’t looking for a hook up from some girl he met in a bar, and, he figured, these girls would all flock to Andrew the moment he arrived. Truthfully, he wished they wouldn’t loiter around their table, but there didn’t seem many other places for them to sit. “What’s your name?” Ryan asked after a minute. The girl who had once rubbed his leg, who was now making eyes at Foggy, turned to look at Ryan and smiled. “Marissa.”

“Oh.”

When Andrew came back with their drinks – it was another beer for Foggy – he picked up a hint of unexpected sadness. Foggy was in seventh heaven it seemed, happily flirting away, but there was just something a little more somber about Ryan than there had been a few minutes ago.

“You okay?” he murmured to Ryan as he handed him his drink.

Ryan seemed to shake out of his trance the moment he heard Andrew’s voice and gave a warm smile and a nod. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Blast from the past kind of snuck up on me. Reminder of someone I used to know. But I’m good.” He watched as Marissa caught sight of Andrew, but when she saw him lean in to talk to Ryan, she understood that clearly they had to be together. She looked at Foggy again and then pretended to pout about how there were no more stools left to sit in, then asked if she could sit in his lap.

Ryan laughed.

“Thank you, for the drinks, I mean. And this place… I see why you chose it. What are you going to sing first?”

“What do you want to hear?” Andrew brushed his shoulder against Ryan’s, wanting to do something, anything to help cheer him up.

The girls seemed to have communicated to each other that he and Ryan were a couple, as all of them shifted their attention to Foggy, who could not have been happier with one in his lap and his arm around another, and both of them were actually talking to him. He listened to every word – as best he could – and was absolutely enraptured, entranced by their beauty and already lost in the happiness of getting to know them.

Ryan, for some reason, appreciated the graze, and genuinely felt comforted by it. It had felt like more than just a brush of shoulders, but a way to reach out when reaching out may not have been possible, or if Andrew was worried about it being unwanted.

“Something… classic. Maybe not Sinatra. Because that might be a little too… You should sing Piano man. I guarantee you the entire bar will sing along. And they will all love you.”

“Okay. But no matter how many people sing along, or how much they love me? I’ll be singing it for you.” Andrew met his eyes as he said it, absolutely sincere. The song was one of the most popular karaoke tunes out there, but it was usually picked up later in the night, when the alcohol started to touch on sorrows that the memory had wrapped in beauty. If this was what Ryan wanted to hear, Andrew intended to give it his all – for Ryan. Not for himself, not to amuse the bar, but because Ryan deserved to hear it sung by a friend who was willing to pour his heart into every word, as if he’d been there in the bar and met all the people the song was about.

“Hey,” Foggy said, when Andrew was walking past, “sign me up for Yellow Submarine, okay?"

"You got it, man.” Andrew smiled and slipped away.

When another group of girls arrived – very late friends – the girls departed, leaving Foggy in a happy daze. “Okay, that? Was amazing. How? How the heck did you just like, make them so happy? They actually wanted to talk to me. You’re magic or something, Ryan."

Andrew came back, a smile in his eyes, but his expression mild, and he sat with them.

Ryan had truly enjoyed watching Foggy receive all the attention he deserved. He watched Marissa write a phone number, drunkenly, on a bar napkin, but all ten digits were there, so perhaps there would be future fun nights there for Foggy, or perhaps he would just let it go. Either way, Ryan was pleased that it had worked. Besides, he was certain he was really doing the girls as much of a favor as he had been doing for Foggy. He had no doubt Andrew would have shown them a good time too, and Ryan had never let on that Andrew had been his partner, but if that was what they wanted to suspect, and Foggy reaps all the reward for it, then that was even better.

As Andrew returned, Ryan’s eyes lifted to meet his, and he returned a soft smile. "It’s typical, I know. But it… I’ve always liked that song. Thanks.”

Ryan sipped at his drink slowly, looking around at all the people, the variety and the enjoyment so many of them were having, some a little more than others, some, perhaps, needed to skip off to a private room to finish the conversation they were having. But regardless, Ryan enjoyed watching them all. He leaned back to say something to Andrew, and brushed against him, not realizing he was quite so close. “Sorry… I… How long until you’re up? And… What are you drinking? So I can get the next round?”

“Don’t be sorry. I love contact…. and I’m not drinking. I can’t drink anything but – one very, very special drink. But it’s nice to smell the booze, and taste it on the air… Anyway. You’re sweet, but drinks on me, okay? Because you two have had a ridiculous week and deserve to get spoiled a little.” Andrew looked over at him and met his eyes for a moment with a soft smile, then looked back ahead. “I’m three songs after Foggy, who should be up – now."

Foggy had a blast. He was utterly shameless, sang with enthusiasm, and had people laughing and singing along. He enjoyed himself, even if he did (whale) off key a little too often. When he bounced back down off the stage, he was absolutely elated, and he gave Andrew a big sloppy kiss on the face, then another for Ryan. "Mwa! I love you guys! And this bar. YES!"

"Foggy, you were great!"

"Um, hell yes I was!”

When it was Andrew’s turn, the crowd was already cheering the second they recognized the familiar song, Ryan was right about that. But just before the lyrics began, something strange happened: they went silent. Something moved through the audience before Andrew even began to sing, as if the essence of the song was already here, brought to life, slipping through them – and then he was singing, and his voice was silk. Even on a song that had a sad, sweet, whimsical feeling, Andrew’s smooth voice fit beautifully, and then the song was truly alive.

The applause afterwards was almost deafening for the vampire, who gave a somewhat embarrassed smile and quickly skittered out of the light and back down to the table.

“Right I… forgot. I guess that gives the phrase, next drink is on me, a whole new meaning.” He winked, of all fucking things to do to a man that looked like Andrew, sitting in a bar. But there it was, none the less, and Ryan blushed a little and looked back toward the stage.

Ryan felt happy, truly so, and he couldn’t remember being quite this care free. Foggy was perfect, and the entire bar had loved him. And then Andrew was on stage, the spotlight causing his eyes to shine and his charm to emanate. Apparently, more than Ryan had originally suspected. Because while he’d heard bars quite down for a good song, he had never before seen everybody completely stop talking just for the ability to witness what was happening on that stage.

But gods it was wonderful. And Ryan’s chest hurt a little at how beautiful the moment was. As Andrew joined them again, Ryan feigned offense. “Excuse you. Where the fuck is our kiss? Foggy gave one after his performance. I thought it was customary.”

“Definitely customary,” Andrew said, happy to oblige. The song had been for Ryan, all the sentiment and the beauty, the pain that mixed in with it, the slight traces of bitterness and resignation, everything that came together to make that almost hopeful melody had all been for him, and there was no better way than to seal it with a kiss, right? But unlike Foggy, Andrew’s kiss wasn’t sloppy – just maybe a little too intimate. The kiss was lingering and sweet and loving, and when their lips parted, Andrew smiled before giving him one more short, quick kiss.

He turned to Foggy and winked at him, blowing one to him, then sat down next to Ryan to watch the next performer, although the DJ was wisely giving people a little bit of time to recover.

“I should have said earlier, but next drink’s on me is the most beautiful phrase,” Andrew commented, light and cheerful and flirty, dropping his head back a bit so he could look over at Ryan and smile without any possessiveness, without any lust, just with an intimate sort of openness.

The kiss had been more than Ryan had expected, and it had taken a lot – a lot – of willpower to not lift a hand up to cup Andrew’s face as he sat there with lips attached to his and a largely still quiet bar. The applause had been deafening, and a lot of people had had their eyes hungrily on Andrew after his performance, and Ryan had even spied a few women, and a couple men, as they set their drink to the side, and then lifted themselves off their barstool to head Andrew’s way. They also seemed to fail to notice each other. But with the kiss, all of them had stopped short.

People still managed to pass by and pat Andrew on the shoulder, and Ryan, with warm cheeks and an almost shy smile, lifted a hand to his mouth to try to hide some of the ridiculously happy smile that had planted itself on his face and refused to budge.

How would he retain his tough exterior with the underground-fighter vibe if he went around kissing pretty boys and then blushing over it?

A part of Ryan envied Seth a little for how easy it had been for him. But Ryan also was enjoying his own trail – the things he was learning, the people he was meeting. He liked this place, and felt more at home than he had expected to.

“Thank you, both,” he said after finishing his drink. “For thi–” he hiccuped, then rolled his eyes at himself. Only drunks in movies did that, and he was neither of those things. “For tonight. I’m glad to have you both…” He hiccuped. “you both in my life.” Ryan screwed his mouth up a little. “Have either of you ridden a white horse? And if yes, tell me about it. If no, make up a st–” He hiccuped. “story.”

“What do you want to know about it?” Andrew asked, confused and intrigued. “Is this some weird California thing?"

"Wait, you actually rode a white horse?"

"Raised, trained, rode. I wasn’t allowed to have pets, or toys, or, you know, whatever normal kids have. But my horse – for polo – he was sort of my companion to make up for all of that.” There was a smile on his lips and light in his eyes for a moment, until some sad memory stole them away, and his voice grew a little softer. “Alan. Terrible name for such a beauty. He was white as starlight though, just… a very incredible animal… Why – do you ask?”

Ryan sat for a long, silent second, and then gave a smug, very pleased with himself smile. “Because hiccups are afraid of white horses. Thank you.”

Foggy stared at Ryan, completely lost, while Andrew just laughed and shook his head.

“Wait, wait, stop laughing. I thought Hiccup was the dragon? Why would he be scared of horses?"

"What? The dragon’s Tooth–”

“Shut up, Gale, no, Hiccup, he’s a dragon, I don’t get it. Ryan. Back me up here.”

Ryan raised his hands and shook his head. “I’m afraid I’m not sure what either of you are referring to. I mean actual hiccups. Those things I had that are now gone. Sorry, Foggy. Next time I’ll totally have your back.”

“Nooooooooo, you dick, I swear, he’s this little black dragon in a cartoon, he’s super cute and fierce and like, rawr!”

“Toothless?”

“Hiccup! Hiccup’s the dragon!” Foggy looked at them like they were little lost children.

Andrew bit his lip and grinned.

Ryan spared a conspiratorial glance with Andrew, and then held up his hands. “I’m… wait. I’m wrong. I’m sure. I think toothless was the name of the squire…”

“There was a squire? What squire? That pulled the sword out of the stone?"

"Okay, Foggy, you had two beers, are you okay?"

"Dude, I think I’ve just watched way, way too many cartoons. I accidentally did a parental lock thing on my own Netflix account and it was a few days before I could fix it, so all I could watch was kids’ movies and… yeah. It was… I’m all overloaded. Hey, Andrew, wanna take Ryan with you to Europe?"

Andrew hadn’t been expecting the question and he looked surprised, but got over it quickly enough and turned to Ryan. "If you want to come, I’d love company, I hate traveling alone when it’s not for work… but I’m not really – planning on going anywhere that’s a – very exciting scene. The first few nights won’t be bad, though; I’m flying into Paris and staying two nights, then moving on east… There’s an old castle I need to visit in Romania, but it’s… a pretty small town, not really any sort of night life… and then I’m going down to Montenegro."

"I used to think that place only existed in Bond movies.”

Ryan was laughing too hard, and then the laughter stopped. He was about to tell Andrew to please not feel obligated to accept, that he was going to see if Andrew wanted the company when it wouldn’t be implied that he was, perhaps, at all impaired by the drinks he’d consumed.

But all of that was cut off by Andrew quickly accepting.

“I… would enjoy that,” Ryan stated simply. “I don’t need a night life to be impressed and content. I’m not high maintenance at all. Just… decent company and a bed without spiders. That’s all I ask for.”

“No spiders, check. When do you have time off? I know you’re just on a vacation now, I don’t want to get you in any trouble with your employers…”

“I… is there wifi? Because my computer has autocad and I can work from just about anywhere. This week I just very specifically told them I wouldn’t be answering emails or calls. It’s pissed them off.”

“Not where I’m going… I’m not sure if there is any in the nearest town, but it might be worth a shot, if you wanted to split apart while I go to the castle… you could hang out in town? If you really want to go though, man, I’ll buy your tickets, that’s not a problem. I’ve just… spent years going on work trips, always alone, and having someone along… no strings attached, nothing, you know, no sordid expectations… it’d be nice.”

Ryan nodded. “I can figure out the work thing, I’m sure. The program doesn’t run on wifi. But the emails to be sent back and forth would. So I would just need to make a trip in to send out a few correspondences. And then I’m all yours. Or… I mean I would be free."

He smiled awkwardly and finished the second glass he hadn’t remembered being set in front of him. "But you’re serious about this? I… have only met you once before, at Matt’s, the day I came home from the hospital. You seem very sure that I’m not some hardened criminal.”

“I mean… you know what I am, right?” Andrew met Ryan’s eyes. “Whoever you are, Ryan, whatever you really want out of life… I’m not scared to get to know you. As long as you’re not afraid of me.”

Ryan cleared his throat. “Labels have been tossed around a lot this week. And I don’t think I care much either way.” He smiled softly and nodded. “Definitely not afraid.”

Andrew lit up. “Are you – seriously – you’ll really go with me? Thank you, man! Thank you!”

Ryan nodded. “I… yes. Really. If you’ll really have me as company. I’m too quiet and broody and don’t talk first thing in the mornings. But this sounds fun. And I would like to have something that’s just mine.”

“I don’t know what to say…” He looked down for a moment, then back at Ryan’s eyes. “Thank you. It means a lot that you’re willing to go. And if at any point you feel – weird or uncomfortable or homesick, whatever, no hard feelings, I’ll get you an early flight back.”

Ryan lifted a glass in salute and set it back down, realizing that it was empty. “Will either of you be gracing the stage again tonight?”

“Want another? And only if you’ve got another song request."

Foggy, however, didn’t answer, as he had fallen asleep.

Andrew poked him, then smiled. "I’m guessing he’s not going back up.”

“Yeah. Maybe we should get him back home. I’m good on drinks. Think a cab would be better than trying to guide him back to the train station?”

“Probably.” Andrew glanced over at the bartender, who nodded to him, so he turned back to Foggy and stood up, scooping Foggy up. “Come on, Fogmaster,” Andrew murmured softly, then nodded for Ryan to lead the way out.

—-

After making Foggy drink some water, Andrew tucked him into bed. “You sweet, sweet lightweight,” he whispered before kissing Foggy’s temple. “Sweet dreams…” He shut the door quietly, then came out to meet Ryan in the living room. “If you need a place to stay tonight…” He picked up his shirt and tie and draped them over his arm. “You’re more than welcome to come to my place. Which isn’t me trying to pick you up… I just… I don’t want you to feel like – a leftover. Because you’re not.”

Ryan nodded, and yawned. “Whatever the reason for your offer, I would appreciate the place to sleep. Thanks.”

He could tell he was getting tired. All sentences were coming out shorter and shorter. The need for explanations and long monologues had long since passed, and Ryan followed Andrew out the door.

“And thank you for tonight. I truly enjoyed myself.”

“Me, too.” Andrew smiled and stopped him in the hall. “Do something for me, okay? Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and just… relax.”

Ryan smirked. “Okay, but if this is how you hit on people, I think it could maybe use some work.”

Not really knowing what to expect, Ryan swayed some when they landed at Andrew’s place and his stomach rolled just a little, but he made it without throwing up.

“I make a point of not asking too many questions. But that was… kind of amazing.”

“Hey, we’re literally going to Transylvania because my predecessor wants me to do some… weird thing with our castle, so… better get used to the freaky vampire shit while you can, right?"

Andrew’s home was ridiculous. It was on the top floor, and was huge, wide open spaces, white marble floors, elegant decor. There were a few lamps lit, giving a soft gleam to the room, but the lights of the city could be seen beautifully through the exterior wall, which was all glass.

"Want some pajamas? And make yourself at home. I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed, it’s down here…” He headed down a short hall.

“There’s… I mean… if we’re going to be in small hotel rooms together or whatever else… There’s no need for you to take the couch unless you absolutely want to,” Ryan replied, the last couple words were spoken around a yawn.

“This place… I think even the Cohens would be impressed with it. It’s gorgeous here.” Ryan stood in the doorway to the room, leaning against the frame. “Thank you, again, for everything you’ve done for me and Seth this week. And I do know you’ve been involved a great deal more than perhaps you’ve let on. So, thank you. I’m glad I got to know you.”

“I’m glad, too.” Andrew smiled and kissed Ryan on the cheek, then slipped past him to get out pajamas. He left them on the bed for Ryan, then said, “I’m going to shower… I’ll be quick though, if you want to use it, too.” Ryan looked tired enough to just be curled up in bed and sleeping already, Andrew thought, so he wasn’t really expecting him to want to shower. Still, he was quick about it, and he put on his sleep pants in the bathroom, then came back out and crawled into bed and sighed happily as he slipped in between the sheets.

Ryan didn’t care enough about taking a shower. Though, considering he was sleeping in someone else’s bed, perhaps he should have. But by the time Andrew finished in the bathroom, Ryan was curled up in bed, only opening his eyes sleepily as Andrew slid in beside him.

“Hi,” he said, his voice thick with gravel. He cleared his throat and tried again. But the second time it only came out as a whisper. Ryan huffed and smiled, then scooted closer to Andrew. “Hi,” he finally managed.

“Hi.” Andrew smiled. Around the apartment, the lights turned off one by one, until only the gleam coming in from the glittering city illuminated the room. “I didn’t think you’d still be awake.” He tucked an arm under his pillow and wiggled around a bit to get more comfortable.

Ryan shook his head and buried himself under his pillow. “Not awake,” he grumbled. “Totally not awake.”

“Go to sleep, Ryan…” Andrew laughed quietly and easily, then turned around so his back was to the other, thinking that it might bother Ryan to feel he was being watched. He and his brother seem so… good. I hope they’ll be alright… I hope that, if there are any more tricks or traps from Elektra, they’ll still be safe… Somehow.

It didn’t take much before Ryan was fast asleep in the overly comfortable bed with a man who maybe smelled a little too good. He gravitated toward warmth in his sleep, and woke up pressed close to Andrew. When he opened his eyes, it took a second to adjust to his surroundings, which seemed to be different every morning, and then casually rolled back and stretched.

Andrew made a quiet little sound of protest when the warm body rolled away from him, but he woke a moment later. Demonstrating that he was, in fact, a grown adult, Andrew turned over to look at Ryan, then slunk down under the blankets. “You were so warm,” he protested, although he didn’t sound serious – and really wasn’t speaking that clearly, considering his head was under sheet, blanket, and a pillow.

Ryan smirked, pulled the blankets further over his head, and then used one leg to pull himself closer again. It wasn’t that he understood Andrew’s words of protest, so much as the sound of them. He quickly found his spot again, where it was the warmest in the bed, and hummed his reluctance to move from there ever again.

Eventually, Andrew stuck his head up. Thank God for Saturdays, he thought, and sighed in contentment. “You’re like a cat. Quiet, warm, nice, potentially a little scary… mostly non-verbal…” He reached over, found Ryan’s head, and scratched lightly behind his ear.

“You say that, but I’ve never been one to purr,” Ryan muttered, curling tighter into the blankets. He rolled a couple times, making sure to take the sheets with him. “But you’re right. Cats are dicks.”

“Aw man, yeah they are. Jerk.” Andrew snorted and pulled Ryan’s pillows away, making a nest of them around himself since he couldn’t have any other bedding, apparently. “Why, oh why didn’t I adopt a dog? Hindsight, man.”

“Hmm. Sorry. I think Matt got the puppy,” Ryan mumbled from deep within the blankets. “To be fair, though. I have a tendency to only like one person at a time and if you’re lucky you’ll wake up with my butt in your face.”

He laughed and buried his face in the pillows, then hopped up and stretched before wandering over to his closet. “I’m going to go work in the living room for a bit, but sleep in all you need, man.” Andrew slipped out of his pajamas and into jeans and a t-shirt, then wandered quietly out of the room, not wanting to bother Ryan any further, especially if he had a hangover.

When Andrew finished, he sent the completed files off, then went out onto the balcony to really enjoy the rain. It was coming down gently, with the clouds so low that they were brushing around some of the buildings. Up here, the air still tasted fresh and clean; he loved it.

Ryan hadn’t gone back to sleep, but he didn’t get out of bed either. He listened for a while as Andrew worked, thought about the night they’d all shared, and finally untangled himself from the sheet. He went and took a quick shower, made the bed, dressed, and finally walked out, only to find Andrew out on the balcony.

Ryan walked out, his back against the windows, fucking thankful he couldn’t see down below. “The weather is great today.”

“Gotta love that liquid sunshine..” He ran his hand over the stone bannister, soaked with rain, then turned back to Ryan. “How’s your head?” Andrew leaned on the doorframe, hands in his pockets, watching him.

“Oh, I feel fine. Hangovers stopped being something to brag about when I was in my early twenties. Now I typically keep it to two drinks, and I take my time with them.” His eyes turned to Andrew, meeting the others gaze, and his expression softened. “Thanks. For letting me crash here.”

He nodded. “Anytime. Company is always, always welcome… and I know you’ve sort of been – bounced around a little since you got here, so hopefully adding one more place wasn’t too… too much.” He looked out at the rain, then back at Ryan. “Can I ask what’s on your mind?”

“The heights,” Ryan answered a little sheepishly, glancing out again. I can’t see the ground, but I still know we’re up fucking high.“ He wasn’t asking to go in, just making an observation that if Andrew could hear his heart racing from over there, that was likely why.

"I tried to tell Seth I could just get a hotel, but before I ever could, everybody else has been nice enough to offer their homes. So, I really can’t complain.”

“Are you okay, though?” Andrew’s voice softened as he asked it, and he realized he wasn’t sure just what exactly he was worried about – just that he was. It felt like there was something permanently unsettled in Ryan, something strange and almost unfinished feeling under all his calm. No matter how cool or humorous demeanor, the thing was there – whatever it was. Andrew just hoped that he was misreading it, or even imagining it.

Ryan seemed to forget entirely about what rested beyond the balcony ledge, and he met Andrew’s gaze straight on. He smiled softly. “I am… I’m sorry that I’m not… overly talkative. I’ll happily tell you anything you want to know. I’m just… people aren’t typically interested in my backstory.” He didn’t mean for that to sound sad. He was okay with being quiet and keeping to himself. He had Seth. A few friends back home. A good job and a comfortable life. He had everything he’d never grown up with.

At first, Andrew was quiet. Then, with a little frown, he shook his head. “Man…” Stepping forward, he pulled Ryan into a hug. It was absolutely gentle, fueled by nothing but compassion. “I’ll pry later. When we’re laying on – some rooftop of Castle Dracula or something. I do care about your backstory. Who you are. Who you’ve been.” He rubbed a hand over Ryan’s back, the one movement saying love as clearly as it could ever be offered, then stepped away, giving him back his space.

“But you don’t need to be sorry for being quiet… I just… worry about people too much, I guess. You don’t need to talk if you’re not feeling it – all I want is to know that you’re okay… and if you’re ever not? Just… tell me whatever you need, okay? Even if it’s,” the brightness seemed to come back to his eyes, and his smile returned, “a one-word reply to an emotional moment. Like breakfast or coffee or whatever.”

“Hmm,” Ryan hummed, as if that itself was some kind of an answer. A playful smile tilted his lips and he seemed to relax completely. “Do you even keep stuff like that here? Cater to all the souls you lure up to your trap with your bright eyes and perfect smile?”

His grin broadened and he looked down, as if, for some reason, he needed to hide the expression. “I think I’m good for now, thank you.”

“Nope.” Andrew looked back out at the city as a few gulls swooped bye. “But there’s a really amazing diner at the corner that does deliveries, so… if you get hungry – I mean not that you have to stay, of course. If you want to take off or anything, just because I am a sucker for company doesn’t mean you have to be, especially with a relative stranger.”

“Was that a pun?”

He looked back over, eyes wide and confused. “What? No. Sorry, I’m sort of lame with the humor most of the time – still trying to figure that out.” Andrew flashed a quick but brilliant apologetic smile, then looked back at the rain.

Ryan laughed. “Sorry… Seth is… obsessed with puns. So I see them everywhere.” He shrugged. “I don’t mind staying for a while, if you’re sure you’re okay with it? I mean. We’re really not complete strangers. You did kiss me last night, after all.”

“True.” Andrew blushed, but he was smiling again. “It was a pretty good kiss, from what I remember… and I’m totally sure. As long as you want to be here, I’d really like you to be around.”

“It was a damn good kiss,” Ryan corrected, and then seemed to remember himself, and pink washed over his cheeks.

“Before this fog clears, I think I’m going to head inside. There’s no need for you to see me afraid of heights in all my glory.”

“Plus, if we keep standing here and blushing, we might burn the clouds off too quick.” Andrew grinned, then opened the door for Ryan and followed him in. “Is it okay to ask about the heights…?”

“Why I’m afraid of them? No idea. Irrational fear. Got on a Ferris wheel once to try to get a girl to go out with me. We got caught at the top. Pretty sure someone paid the guy off. I don’t know. They’ve always made me nervous.”

“You think someone paid him off to fuck with you? Or to give you guys privacy up there?” He shut and locked the door, then went over and perched on the back of a couch.

“Oh. The latter. I don’t think there was ill intent there.” Ryan rolled his neck and shoulders and then sat down on the couch, leaning enough on the arm that he could comfortably look at Andrew. “Am I keeping you from doing work?” He swallowed thickly and pushed back the thoughts that came to his mind. Then he huffed and looked again at Andrew. “So. I actually think I should be honest about something, particularly before you invite me to stay another night, and definitely before you invite me across the world with you. But I… find you attractive. And I’m not… I don’t want to find my… well, my Matt, like Seth did. I’m not looking. I don’t need… anyway. I don’t want to be the perverted asshole who never said the thing and ends up making you super uncomfortable later down the line.” He exhaled in a huff and then looked down at his hands.

Smooth, Ryan.

“I’m not – entirely sure what all of that meant? But what I think I understood is… you’re attracted to me, but you don’t want me to think that you’re – looking for a life partner right now, or that you want to have meaningless sex… You want me to be comfortable, and you want to know that you’re not abusing my trust or hospitality in any way… Is that – if I misunderstood, please tell me?"

As almost always, Andrew wasn’t mocking, but was entirely sincere.

"I think… hell, I don’t even know. I think what I was trying to say is that I find you attractive. And yes, I didn’t want to abuse your kindness or hospitality by… letting you undress in front of me without knowing. Or that maybe you’ll be afraid that I’m just jealous or looking for what Seth has, and I’m turning to the first kind person. Or… yes… what you said. I think is what I was trying to say.”

Andrew nodded. “That’s… really sweet of you to tell me. I appreciate it a lot. And honestly, I find you attractive too – and even if… you know, nothing sexual ends up happening between us, if you like looking, I don’t mind if you do…"

He hesitated for a moment, trying to think of how best to put it, then went on. "You don’t seem like someone who uses people. And even if you were using me, even if you were jealous or lonely or just – really wanting some kindness in your life, that you had no intention of keeping… honestly, that’s kind of okay, too. Nobody’s perfect. Ever. You don’t have to – be everything you are right away. If that makes sense. You don’t… need to bare your soul or anything for me to trust that you’re good. The trust is something I just give – you don’t have to prove that you deserve it.” He looked down at his hands. “Sorry if that was… an overly long answer. I should have just said thank you, huh?”

Though maybe it was a bit much more of an answer than he was expecting, Ryan appreciated it, and he seemed to relax with each word Andrew said.

“The way you replied was perfect,” he said, resting his head back. “And thanks, for being cool about it. But you don’t have to indulge me at all. I just didn’t want you to think I was… lurking, or something. And then find out about it in Paris and have to kick my ass out at the louvre.”

Andrew laughed and shook his head. “Honestly, trying not to flirt with you too much is probably going to be the problem for me.”

“…. You mean like saying if I’m lucky I’ll wake up with your butt in my face? Because I think that’s my line.” He smiled. “What I mean is, don’t stress about it. If I ever get uncomfortable, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay. And same goes. And hey, butts in faces aren’t always a bad thing.” He twitched an eyebrow and grinned, looking a little shameless for once.

“Indeed. Listen, you weren’t wrong. I am the worst kind of cat. I hog beds and invade personal space and demand attention if I’m particularly bored. Considered coming in here earlier and laying across your laptop while you were working. Just because.” Ryan’s eyes were light, and he had shifted even more to face Andrew, allowing himself to stare for a long, drawn out moment.

“Okay, but I love giving someone attention when they want it, and anytime I’m working from home? It’s not a time-crunch thing. I like my job, and it’s been my life for – way too long. So it’s what I know. It’s a habit. But babe, any time you want to distract me, you go right ahead.”

Ryan felt better after getting this bit of honesty out of the way. He didn’t like secrets or liars and besides. He figured if Andrew really was that interested, they could potentially have something casual over the duration of their trip.

“I’m going to go get my wallet, because I think I do want to try that cafe. And the weather is pleasant enough that I don’t mind getting out in it.” He stood and took a step, seeming as if he were going to slide in front of Andrew, but he stopped and leaned in to offer a soft and inviting kiss. When he pulled away, he smiled. “Yeah. I was right. Last night was a damn good kiss.” He followed it up with one more quick, almost chaste kiss, then disappeared off into the bedroom.

Fuck. It was all about the attitude, and Ryan had it. Ryan was going to be a problem. A very big, very serious problem, if Andrew wanted to even try to pretend at having any cool whatsoever. That guy was the definition of a fox.

#theveritasi #one shot #in the wake #part one

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thedietian · 7 years ago

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An Athlete's Guide to Chronic Knee Pain – Anthony Mychal

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Description:

Got patellar tendonitis? Jumper’s knee (patellar tendonosis)? How about patellar mistracking? Chondromalacia? Or maybe your knees are just always in pain for reasons you don’t quite know yet?

I’m going to tell you two things you should know if you’re an athlete with chronic knee pain, but let’s start with a story.

You have a friend named Kong. Kong likes touching hot things. Don’t ask me why. That’s just Kong. He’s a weird guy.

You’re a good friend. You don’t want Kong to burn himself, so you get rid of every potentially hot thing in his house.

Kong lives happily ever after, right?

Not really. Because Kong is limited to a fabricated world. If he ever returns to the real world, he’s gonna’ get burned.

The root of Kong’s problem is his wacky tendency to touch hot things, not necessarily the pain he experiences as a result of his strange behavior.

Pain is just a single piece to a much larger puzzle.

You can’t run. You can’t jump. You can’t squat. Even standing up from the toilet makes you wince. Your knees are in shambles.

And there you are. In bed. Waiting for a miracle. Waiting for the physiology gnomes to tap your knee with a magical star wand.

Because, well, that’s everyone recommends. Rest. Rest. Rest some more. Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest.

But “rest” is the cheap answer.

Most rehab theories are based on an arbitrary concept of being damaged one day, resting for a little bit, then being magically healed overnight.

This is true and false at the same time. Your body is amazing. It can heal itself. But as long as you still have the behaviors that forced the damage, you’re going to continually breakdown.

This is the Kong paradox.

You can eliminate the pain (feel healthy) without fixing the root of pain.

And if you continually ignore the root of the pain? Your short-term inflammation (knee pain, tendonitis) turns into long-term tissue degeneration (jumper’s knee, tendonosis).

You can’t make the following mistake in logic:

Thinking your knee is the thing that’s broken because the knee itself is the thing in pain.

Take a look at the pictures below. I cropped them out of some random YouTube videos.

Aside from the raw numbers, there’s a difference between the two:

I consider one a knee pain candidate, and the other a knee pain conqueror.