#honestly particularly about the college and doctor pages

[ennaku-sirri-da]

[ ID: Digital fanart of Dr.Habit's diary pages visualized, from the game Smile For Me.

The pages are arranged in a haphazard manner as the background with drawings over them.

The first diary page is represented by a back view of Habit as a child, on his knees as he digs a hole in the soil.

The second diary page is Habit in school, with oval glasses, a squarer face, a mauve sleeveless sweater vest with a pink shirt. His face shows shocked discomfort. He clasps a fist to his chest and his head is slightly backwards. A transparent bottle of alcohol pours through one side of his eyes from sideways, pouring dark purple liquid and revealing his shadow form through the glass. Lips are drawn near this representing Martha.

The third diary page is represented by Habit in college, now looking closer to his canon appearance. He has a ponytail tied by a pink band, the same kind of glasses, an orange turtleneck sweater enclosed by a brown trenchcoat. He looks saddened as he holds a piece of pink cloth with plus sign-like darker designs on it with a needle. A square frame mirror beside him reflects his shadow form, sticking his tongue out.

The fourth diary page is Habit with a job, in his dentist outfit. He crouches, hands to his knees as tears spring out. He frowns big and looks angry too.

The fifth diary page with his dreams about the Habitat, is shown with a side profile of Habit's shadow form, and he grins with too many teeth. He holds a happy Pabit in his hands. Theres a slight blue glow around them. End ID]

I want my fuckin teeth back

[barfygutcheck]

books & bellyaches

/so this a lot more fluff and bit less kink than my previous post. still trying to find my style so hopefully it doesn't come across as inconsistent/

Jackie had barely moved from the dorm table in hours, hunched over her textbooks, highlighter in hand, eyes scanning the pages. Jackie was the type of college student who had a deep fear of failure, and she was fully committed to becoming a doctor. Her mind was racing with all the upcoming exams, and with each passing minute, she felt the mounting pressure to retain as much information as possible.

Her back was sore from hours of sitting stiffly, and her eyes stung with exhaustion. But those were minor issues compared to the real problem.

Jackie’s stomach churned, uncomfortably tight, as if it were twisting in knots. The week of non-stop fast food — think sketchy takeout and endless energy drinks — seemed to be catching up with her. She was usually better about staying disciplined, making it a point to cook her own food. She liked the feeling of being self-sufficient in the kitchen. However, cramming had left her no time to think about nutrition, and despite knowing better from her medical knowledge, she figured it was just easier to grab something quick.

Now, her body was paying the price.

She shifted on her seat, clutching her stomach as it gave another unpleasant gurgle. Her head felt warm, her skin clammy. This wasn’t just indigestion anymore — she felt feverish, and the discomfort wasn’t subsiding.

Unable to ignore the growing ache in her belly, she pushed herself up from the dorm table and collapsed onto the couch, groaning under her breath. She shut her eyes, hoping the ache would pass on its own.

Except it didn’t.

It just lingered, throbbing deep in her gut, and she cursed herself for letting things get this bad.

She had no excuse. She would’ve never let Sawyer get away with pulling such a reckless stunt, yet here she was, having done exactly that.

On that note, Sawyer, who had been sitting at the kitchen table scrolling through her phone, glanced up just in time to notice the change in Jackie’s posture. At first, she thought it was just stress from studying, but when Jackie groaned again and shifted like she was in pain, Sawyer’s attention was piqued.

“Hey, Jackie?” Sawyer walked over, slipping her phone into her pocket and kneeling at the side of the couch. Her hazel eyes matched her tone: soft, but full of concern. “You good?”

Jackie didn’t open her eyes. “M’fine,” she muttered, pressing a hand to her forehead. A blush crept over her cheeks, ashamed that Sawyer had to see her like this. Jackie was sure that no matter how many anniversaries they had under their belts, she would always feel mortified whenever she was sick.

When Sawyer was doubled over in pain, feverish and knocked down by a stomachache, Jackie didn’t bat an eye. She was more than willing to care for her girlfriend, especially with her future as a doctor in mind. And honestly, she didn’t mind giving Sawyer’s stomach a little extra attention.

If Jackie was feeling unwell, it was a whole different story, particularly when it involved her stomach. She’d get flustered and do her best to hide it, hoping Sawyer wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

“Is it your belly?” Sawyer frowned, her brow furrowing as she took in Jackie’s pale face. She must have caught the sound of gurgling coming from Jackie’s stomach and, oh man, what an embarrassing thought that was. “Doesn’t sound like you’re fine,” Sawyer added, rubbing her neck. “How long has it been hurting?”

Jackie finally opened her eyes, blinking up at her girlfriend. “A while,” she admitted quietly. “I’ve just been eating crap all week. Too much junk food… you know what I mean.”

Sawyer pulled a face, knowing how Jackie’s usually mindful eating habits always seemed to crumble whenever exam stress piled up. Sawyer had never encountered anything like that, given that she was majoring in something that revolved around her third love—sports, right after Jackie and food, or maybe food and Jackie, depending on how hungry she was. It was nothing like the heavy coursework of medicine.

She hated seeing Jackie like this; clearly in pain but trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, perhaps because they were so similar in that way. Although Sawyer was more laidback compared to Jackie’s cool and firm nature, both were inclined to tough things out. The key difference was that Jackie often succeeded in getting Sawyer to confess when she was feeling ill, which meant she could step in to help.

Sawyer wasn’t so sure she could do the same for her girlfriend, but she could try.

“You should’ve said something sooner,” Sawyer said gently, brushing a stray strand of hair from Jackie’s face.

Because Jackie seldom got sick, Sawyer was pretty inexperienced with this kind of situation, even after two years as a couple. She figured she’d imitate Jackie and pressed her hand to Jackie’s forehead, where she was able to distinguish unusual warmth. “You’re burning up, babe. I think you’ve got a fever.”

Jackie sighed, her fingers pressing into her aching belly as it let out a low, unsettled gurgle. She blushed deeply. “Yeah… I kinda figured.” Her voice was laced with discomfort. “Look, I’ll be fine. I just need to lie down for a bit.”

But Sawyer wasn’t having it. “Sorry, babe, not gonna happen.” A shrug. “I’m taking care of you.”

Jackie managed a weak smile at that, feeling both embarrassed and touched. Sawyer was sweet, but she wasn’t exactly a caretaker by nature. Still, the determination in her eyes was enough to make Jackie’s heart swell.

“Sully, I’m fine, really. It’s just a stomachache. I don’t need—”

“Let me fuss,” Sawyer interrupted, inching closer. “Please?” She licked her lips. “I’ll feel so much better if I can take care of you.”

Jackie blinked at her, a bit taken aback by the sincerity in Sawyer’s voice. She wasn’t used to Sawyer being this earnest about anything. Normally, Sawyer was the loud, carefree type. She brushed off classes and didn’t sweat her performance on the field because she was confident in her skills to tackle girls just as tall. As for her relationships, she wasn’t entirely indifferent — she frequently leaned on Jackie. She was the one clinging, the one letting Jackie clean up the messes.

This was different.

And definitely endearing.

“Okay,” Jackie relented, a smile tugging at her lips. “You can fuss.”

Sawyer’s face brightened instantly, and she wasted no time in jumping into action. Now — what was it Jackie did when Sawyer got sick? Her eyes fell on the couch, coffee table, rug… blanket. She grabbed a blanket from the armchair and draped it over Jackie, tucking it in around her gently. “There. Gotta keep you warm,” she said, clearly pleased with herself.

Jackie scoffed, grimacing as her stomach cramped again. “Thanks, Sully.”

But Sawyer wasn’t done. She thought hard about what Jackie did when she was sick, then decided to go into the kitchen and fetch her girlfriend water and a bottle of ginger ale. She set them down on the coffee table within Jackie’s reach. “Here. You should, uh, drink something. Maybe the ginger ale will help your belly.”

Jackie’s heart filled with affection at the gesture, though she found herself blushing at the way Sawyer casually said “belly.”

Anyway, her efforts were sweet, even if not entirely necessary. “Good job,” Jackie approved, her voice warm despite the pain.

Sawyer beamed at the praise.

Then her hand came to rest on Jackie’s stomach.

Though it was intended as a comforting gesture, the moment Sawyer’s hand brushed against Jackie’s belly, Jackie flushed bright red, convinced she’d just given herself away. She wanted to pull away, but that would raise eyebrows. It wasn’t that she minded Sawyer’s touch; it was just that she felt embarrassed acknowledging her stomach.

“Sounds awful,” Sawyer murmured, her brow furrowing in concern. “Like, seriously. It’s all messed up in there.”

Jackie shifted. “It feels pretty bad, too.”

Sawyer bit her lip, clearly unsure of what to do next. “It sounds all… I dunno, sloshy.” The issue with Sawyer was her tendency to be extremely vocal about how her stomach felt, which made her just as unreserved when it came to discussing Jackie’s gut.

“Are you sure you’re not gonna throw up?” Sawyer asked.

Jackie shook her head, though she didn’t feel entirely confident about that. She just wanted Sawyer to stop fussing over her stomach. “I don’t think so,” she said, trying to ease Sawyer’s worry. “I just need to rest. Promise.”

Sawyer wasn’t convinced, but she didn’t push the issue. Instead, she gently massaged Jackie’s stomach, her hand moving in slow, soothing circles. “I wish I could do more,” she murmured. “I hate seeing you like this.”

For all her abashment, Jackie’s heart melted at the tenderness in Sawyer’s voice. She reached out, lacing her fingers with Sawyer’s. “You’re doing enough,” she assured her, partly because it was true, partly because she wanted Sawyer to just stop touching her already.

Sawyer looked down at their intertwined hands. “I just don’t want you to feel bad,” she said quietly.

Until this, Jackie had no idea she was involved with such a sap. “I know. You’re so sweet.”

For a while, they sat in silence. Eventually, Sawyer withdrew her hand and wrapped her arms around Jackie, drawing her in tighter. Jackie's stomach roiled, the junk food she’d consumed waging war inside her. She could feel a gurgle building, and she silently prayed that Sawyer wouldn’t notice

After a few minutes, Sawyer spoke up again. “You’re gonna be okay, right? Like, it’s not something serious?”

Jackie scoffed and squeezed her hand reassuringly. “I’ll be fine, Sully. Just need to take it easy for a bit. You know I’ll be back to normal soon.”

Sawyer nodded, though the worry didn’t completely leave her face. “Okay. But I’m not going anywhere,” she said firmly. “I’m staying right here.”

Jackie felt a wave of affection wash over her. She buried her head in the crook of Sawyer’s neck, breathing in the scent of her girlfriend’s cologne. “I wouldn’t want you anywhere else.”

[schmergo]

I’m gonna get a little more serious and personal than I usually am on social media here for a sec, so sorry if this is annoying. Anyway, I never had an actual eating disorder, but, like many young people, I struggled on and off with somewhat disordered eating habits and negative body image for many years. 

Between ages 9 and 20, every year or two, I would suddenly get into a groove of weird restrictive behaviors around food, either because I felt like my life wasn’t going well enough and I needed to be punished, or because I felt like my life was going too well and that I wasn’t pretty enough to deserve it. I would stop for a year or two, and then when it came back, I’d be even more strict with myself.

 For example, for a year in elementary school, I only let myself eat yogurt for lunch, not because I particularly liked yogurt but because I Decreed It Must Be So. For a year in high school, I would throw out my lunch every day and go to the library during lunch time, on the excuse that “you aren’t allowed to have food in the library, and I need to do homework.” And while studying in London in college, I would only let myself eat 800 calories a day. I was only allowed sweets on Wednesday, but no actual meals on that day, just the dessert. I used the excuse that I was trying to save money on food, but calorie restriction isn’t the most efficient way to save money. These are just a few examples of some of the little phases I fell into-- I finally stopped after that last one because I felt so awful  when I came home from that semester and had to eat around other people again that I just went, “Never again.” I still don’t have very good body image, but it’s better, and I don’t do strict rules around food anymore.

I never lost much weight or developed health problems from it, and I was always either a healthy weight or slightly overweight, but I know those weren’t very healthy habits to have. But I guess I didn’t realize that even though the behavior itself wasn’t super extreme, the way it was ingrained into my mind was more insidious and deeply-rooted than I thought.

The reason I mention this is that I recently got into a kick of rereading some of my old writing. I did a TON of writing as a teenager and wrote a lot of book-length stories, many of them fanfiction. Most of my work is fairly humorous, light-hearted, and a lot of it falls into the ‘fantasy’ genre. There are darker themes at times, but the endings are usually happy. I was reading a romantic comedy “book” that I wrote in high school and enjoying the blast from the past when I realized something strange about the narration. It’s written in first person, and the heroine/ narrator is written to be a fairly attractive character-- her friends think she’s pretty, she receives a few compliments on her appearance, and she attracts the interest of at least two dudes in the story. As written, she’s athletic and in good health. 

But the narration CONSTANTLY seems to obsess over food, her appearance, people’s body types, and comparing her body to everyone she interacts with. If she’s eating lunch at the same time as a coworker, she complains in her internal monologue about having to make excuses for her food choices so that her coworker doesn’t judge her for what she’s eating. She makes jokes about a pregnant family member, saying she enjoys hanging out with the pregnant character because she feels skinny next to her. She seems to think she looks horrible and unpresentable when not dressed to the nines and frets over how unflattering her work uniform is. She makes snarky remarks about her best friend’s husband’s weight and constantly seems to feel inferior in terms of appearance compared to her own very athletic boyfriend, thinking other characters are judging her appearance when she’s with him. She both seems to envy and make fun of her skinny best friend’s body. And she talks about food A LOT. At times, she’s so conscious of her appearance and how she looks, even when she’s alone, that you almost feel like she knows she’s in a story and has strangers observing her.

If you had asked me at the time that I wrote it if I intended that character to have body image issues or food issues, I’d say no, she’s just a sarcastic, snarky, funny person who likes to make self-deprecating jokes and that she knows she’s considered conventionally attractive. But reading it seemed honestly pathological-- like, it permeated the entire thing. The comments happened on every page. I didn’t notice at all at the time, and that really tells you where my mindset was. 

I think it can be hard to separate an author’s feelings from a fictional character’s feelings at times. Sometimes when a fictional character has a problematic viewpoint, they’re really a mouthpiece for the author, and sometimes the author intends it to be a negative trait or a biased belief. In this case, I expressed opinions about food and body types that were way harsher than I would ever say out loud in real life or admit to anyone in my life and used a character who, if you asked me, had a healthy and confident attitude toward her body, to express them. I guess I just thought everyone’s internal monologue was like that. I figured attractive people were just as obsessive as I was but better at self-discipline. I honestly believe a lot of the books I read as a teenager may have been written with a similar attitude to mine.

I think I still have a slightly distorted self-image-- for example, at a recent doctor’s appointment, discovered I weigh 30 pounds less than I thought I did-- but I have a much clearer-eyed view of this stuff that I couldn’t see before when I was in the thick of my body issues. When you’re deep in this stuff, not only can you not see your physical shape accurately, you also can’t see your behavior, beliefs, and thoughts for what they really are. It all seems normal.

I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make here, but I do think that the stuff we create can reveal so much more about our own biases, insecurities, and sometimes even harmful beliefs than we’d ever suspect. Those thoughts tend to linger longer than the actions themselves-- I sometimes still think about myself the same way now that I did then, I just don’t let it change my behavior anymore. And like I said, my actions never got so severe that they harmed me physically, but I hope the thoughts that I expressed in my writing, which I published online for people to read, didn’t mess with any other impressionable young people’s self-esteem or habits. Fairly mild mental health issues are especially weird like that-- you don’t really notice the change the way you might with more severe symptoms, and you don’t really think you’re seeing the world or yourself any differently from your peers. It all seems totally normal at the time until you look back.

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Dress Up (Ethan x MC)

Summary: On Halloween night, Ethan gets a big surprise

A/N: Okay so this was the tooth rotting fluff I was talking about earlier this week. 

A/N 2: I haven’t written something this short in years. Issa miracle

A/N 3: Happy Halloween! Enjoy!

~v~

The words on the paper in front of Ethan start to blur together the longer he stares at the page. He’s been at the hospital for nearly 18 hours and it’s finally starting to have an effect on him, the exhaustion finally creeping in.

It’s been a long shift. He put in some hours in the free clinic on top of helping with his patient for the diagnostics team, and dealt with a particularly exhausting meeting with a few other department heads. On top of the usual business, it’s Halloween, and the holiday has never bode well for the hospital. By the time midnight rolls around, the ER is typically packed with college students and other young 20-somethings that have gotten way too drunk, started fights, and injured themselves.

His cell phone rings and he reaches into his coat pocket to retrieve it. His mood instantly perks up when he sees ‘Naomi R’ flash across the screen accompanied by a picture of his wife’s smiling face.

It takes him mere seconds to answer the phone, balancing it delicately between his shoulder and ear. “Hello?”

“Hi handsome,” Naomi greets back.

The cheeriness in her voice cheers him up slightly. While it’s been less than a day, he’s missed the sound of her voice. “Hi.”

“What are you doing?”

“My job,” Ethan deadpans.

“Obviously smarty-pants. Are you working hard or hardly working?”

“I'm always working hard,” Ethan insists. “I’m trying to prepare myself for how busy the ER is going to be once the sun goes down. I hate Halloween.”

“You hate everything.”

“I hate pointless consumer holidays,” Ethan says. “Especially ones that promote candy and alcohol consumption.”

“Oh, so all the fun ones,” Naomi teases. “Where are you? Are you in the office?”

“Yes, I’m taking a break right now.”

“Perfect. Open the door.”

“Open the–” Ethan looks up, intrigued. He can’t make out any figures on the other side of the door, the frosted glass not doing him any favors. Either his lovely wife had food delivered for him, or she’s pulling some sort of Halloween trick on him. “Why?”

“It’s a surprise, so open the door.”

Deciding to play along, Ethan gets up from his huge leather chair and in a few quick strides, he’s on the other side of the room, opening the door. Looking straight ahead he doesn’t immediately see anyone standing outside. He should’ve known this was some prank of hers.

“Hi, daddy!”

The tiny voice cuts through the otherwise silent hallway. Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan sees a tiny blur practically flying towards him. The small figure collides with him with a soft thud, wrapping around him tightly.

“Oof!”

Chuckling to himself, Ethan glances down at the 3 year old clutching his pant legs like a life raft. “You are very strong for a toddler.”

“Valentina Marie Ramsey, what have I told you about running away from me!” Naomi’s voice is what captures Ethan’s attention as she speed-walks down the hall in an effort to make it to the office.

Ethan looks her up and down, confused. She’s wearing her work clothes, a simple blouse, pencil skirt and her white coat, as well as her purse and a plastic bag from CVS hanging off of her shoulder. Naomi isn’t supposed to be working today and she never dresses this formally in their casual life outside of work. “Did you take a shift?”

“Daddy, look, we're doctors because it’s Halloween!” Valentina says, garnering her dad’s attention. 

The couple had given up on picking a costume for Valentina over a week ago, as the precocious toddler wasn’t good at picking one thing and sticking to it. In the past month, she’s wanted to be a pirate, a bear, a fairy, a princess, a princess fairy, and Baby Shark.

Ethan looks down at her and sees she has on a white coat of her own, one that is entirely too big for her which only makes her look that much more adorable. He smiles at her. “You make a very cute doctor, my darling.”

“Mommy says doctors are supposed to be very smart, not cute,” Valentina corrects, and while she’s already the spitting image of her mother, she sounds just like her too. She’s just as stubborn and argumentative.

“You’re the smartest 3 year old I know,” Ethan says honestly. As if a child born to him and Naomi would be anything but.

“You promise?”

“I pinky promise.”

“We were just coming by to show off our costumes, and to grab my doctor’s bag,” Naomi says. She leans forward and presses a soft kiss onto Ethan’s lips, one he doesn’t let end to quickly. Wrapping an arm around his wife’s waist, he pulls her in closer to deepen the kiss. 18 hours is far too long to go without her.

The kiss is broken up by Valentina aggressively wedging herself between the two of them. “No kissing.”

Naomi pulls away with an eye roll. “Okay, okay.” Leaving the doorway, Ethan moves backwards and allows them inside the office. Naomi instantly goes behind Ethan’s desk and grabs her physician’s bag. She usually doesn’t carry it unless the diagnostics team has to make a house call, and she empties it, making it easier for Valentina to carry around and use it as a candy bag. Before she hands it over, she empties the plastic bag she’s holding, a box of pink band-aids, popsicle sticks (aka tongue depressors), a roll of stickers, and a pair of small reading glasses fall onto the table.

Ethan watches as Naomi puts the final touches on Valentina’s costume. “Why the glasses?”

“Because you wear glasses,” Valentina answers as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Ethan raises an eyebrow in question, not understanding the point Valentina is trying to make. He turns to Naomi for further clarification.

“Val didn’t want to be any old doctor,” Naomi says. “She wanted to be...you.”

“Mommy said I can wear your big doctor coat!” Valentina exclaims.

And that’s when Ethan notices she is in fact wearing his spare white coat; Dr. Ethan Ramsey, M.D., F.A.C.P., stitched into it underneath Edenbrook’s logo.

While he already thought his three year old dressing up as a doctor was a sight to behold, something inside his chest warms as the thought of her wanting to be dressed up as him. Her entire world is comprised of doctors, but she wants to be a mini him.

He doesn’t realize how long he’s been silent until Valentina tugs on his hand. “Are you okay, daddy? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” Ethan assures her with a smile. He crouches down so they’re able to look each other eye-to-eye. “Daddy is just very happy that you want to wear my coat, that’s all.” Valentina does a spin for him, spurred on by the positive affirmation and Ethan looks up, catching Naomi’s eye. “She wants to be me, not you.”

“Whatever. She looks like me, so when people see us together, she’ll automatically assume she’s dressed up as me.”

“But you and I both know the real intent. You know, I think your costume is missing something.” Reaching around his neck, Ethan takes off his stethoscope and drapes it around her instead. “There. Now you make a perfect Ethan Ramsey.”

“So now I have to make you feel better,” Valentina says. Dramatically, she places her hand on Ethan’s forehead, as if she’s taking his temperature. “Uh-oh.”

“What’s the diagnosis, Doc?” Ethan asks.

“You have a boo-boo,” she replies matter-of-factly. “But I can make it all better.” With some help from her mother, Valentina manages to open the box of band-aids. She sticks one on her dad’s cheek, just above his mustache, and follows that up by kissing his cheek. “There! How do you feel?”

“I feel much better,” Ethan says. “Thank you for being such a good doctor.”

“You’re welcome.” She then shoves a big Hello Kitty sticker into the palm of Ethan’s hand. “And you get a sticker for being good.”

“Even better.” Ethan tugs on one of Valentina’s curls, earning a giggle.

A few more minutes pass, with Naomi and Ethan snapping as many pictures as they possibly can and Valentina putting a few more band-aids on her parents.

The door opens and Baz comes in this time, eyes downcast as he’s staring at a file. “Hey Ethan, Dr. Banerji wanted to–” he stops short, laughing as he zeroes in on the bright pink band-aids covering Ethan. “That is quite the look you got going for yourself, Ethan.”

“I’ll have you know that my lovely doctor here put these bandages on me.”

Baz’s grin turns into a wide smile as he takes in Valentina’s appearance. “Well aren’t you the cutest doctor I’ve ever seen, Teeny!”

“I’m not a cute doctor, I’m a smart doctor, Uncle Baz,” Valentina practically growls.

“I apologize for the mistake.”

Naomi glances at the large clock hanging behind Ethan’s desk. “Okay, Val, we have to go so we can get some candy before it gets too dark. Say bye-bye to daddy.”

Valentina wraps her tiny arms around Ethan’s neck, squeezing tightly. “Bye daddy. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

As Naomi gathers up all of their things, Valentina tells him all about how she can’t wait to show off her costume and get candy. It was her first time trick-or-treating, as Naomi and Ethan decided it was better to wait until she was a bit older before participating in the holiday. 

Her excitement is palpable and Ethan can’t help but to feel excited too. And while it’s true he’s no fan of Halloween, the thought of not witnessing it through his daughter’s eyes makes his chest tight. “How long do you plan on taking her around?”

“An hour,” Naomi answers. “I think that appropriate enough time for a 3 year old, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Ethan turns to Baz. “Do you think you can hold down the fort for an hour?”

Baz shrugs. “Sure. But only if you bring me back a Reese’s peanut butter cup.”

“That can be arranged.” Ethan stands up, his arms still firmly secured around Valentina. “Come on, Dr. and Dr Ramsey, we have some trick or treating to do.

~v~

Tags: @professorkingslay @nikki-2406 @maurine07 @aka-calliope @edgiestwinter @soft-for-drake @greenbean-kylie @akshara16 @bluebellot @kaavyaethanramsey @honeyandsunfl0wers @blossomanarchy @takemyopenheart @fanmantrashcan @whatchique @ao719 @x-kyne-x @colourmeshy @paulfwesley @the-pale-goddess @writinghereandthere @ramseyandrys @perriewinklenerdie @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @hatescapsicum @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramseyx @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @my-heart-beats-for-ya @adrian-motherfucking-raines @riverrune @edith-eggs1 @thatysn @bellcat2010 @theeccentricbibliophile @cecilecontrera @junehiratas @choices-love-affair @openheart12 @caseyvalentineramsey @desmaranj @nazario-sayeed @aestheticartsx @ruinedbypixels @mvalentine @nooruleman @rookie-ramsey

[tundrainafrica]

i really thought hange was non-binary bc the one who said hanges gender was up for interpretation was kodansha us but isayama asked for gender neutral pronouns right?

here!

I’m gonna answer all of the gender asks in one go because for one, I don’t think I wanna flood my own feed and my own tumblr with the same arguments. 

I think a lot of the questions on Hange’s gender and the topic of  gender and sexuality overall are kinda intertwined and I feel like for anyone who actually reads my stuff, it’s better understood as one big wall of text. 

So I was wondering, is that song the absolute proof about hange's gender?

No. I think the interpretation of the song which people are using to prove that Hange’s nonbinary is very western centric. I actually did research around this song and knowing what I know about Japanese culture, I actually interpret the song as a way for Japanese people to break out from gender norms. 

For people who are not aware, Japan is incredibly strict with gender norms. The LGBTQ community is not as progressive as it is in Western countries (I mean gay marriage isn’t completely legalized yet). And just looking at it from the stand point of gender roles and gender expectations, despite the progressive thinking, there are a lot of things Japanese men and women have to conform to just to be respected in everyday society. Because in Japan, the community has always been more important than the individual and it’s honestly the same for most asian countries as well. 

A lot of the pressure of living in Japan, working with Japanese people is the pressure to conform and I’ve seen my friends do it through small things like getting bangs (because all Japanese women have bangs apparently), wearing make up when going out (because this is generally an accepted for all Japanese people) and always dressing your best because in that manner women are held to an incredibly high standard in Japan. And this goes similarly for men who are constantly pressured to be the breadwinner in the family. If your wife is making more than you, be ready to hear people talk. I know these expectations exist in a Western setting too but Japan is incredibly stiff as a society and this is one reason why, despite having numerous opportunities to moveto Japan myself, I am not at all entertaining that possibility. I have worked in a Japanese company and I hated it and moved to a western company right after six months. I have completely accepted the fact that there is no mobility career wise from a non-Japanese (and a woman at that) in Japanese society. 

In conformity, hierarchies etc, Japan is its own monster. That’s why when songs like Jibunrashiku, Hitchcock (by Yorushika) or Shisoukan (by Yorushika) come out, for one it’s in Japanese so I wouldn’t approach the songs from an English and as a Japanese speaker and someone who is pretty familiar with Japanese culture, I can’t help interpret that song as a social commentary for the shitty parts of Japanese society and how they tend to shoot the concept of an ‘individual’ down. 

But does that mean I completely shoot down the idea that Hange is NB? 

NO. Yams said so himself, Hange’s gender is unknown. But at the same time, Yams recognizes the fact that in the anime and in the live action, Hange is a female. If Yams were that adamant to make Hange NB, I think he would have at least made more of an effort to police how she is depicted in the anime and in the live action. 

 His exact words were:　「ハンジは彼（彼女）みたいな、ちょっと浮世離れした、枠にとらわれない自由な感じで描きたかったんです。」If I roughly translated it to English, “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender.”

Tbh, I wanted to avoid these gender asks altogether but I’ve seen the environment in twitter and the ways many people approach gender, particularly ‘nonbinary’ or genderfluid and it really just doesn’t sit well with me. For one, what’s up with all these rules on how to approach our nonbinary and LGBTQ friends? What’s up with all these accusations that if we don’t follow them to a T, then we’re suddenly transphobic or homophobic? 

The fact that we’re creating all these rules on how to go about her nonbinary gender for one, just defeats the whole purpose of Hange being a free bird in the first place who wouldn’t have cared and who wouldnt’ ever have been confined to gender in the first place. 

I mean the establishment of set rules and social norms on how to navigate gender, sex, sexuality and gender roles is the reason why we had heternormativity in the first place. And what I can see, yes, we did get progressive, we did start recognizing other genders, other ways of thinking but the danger in all this is that, we’re once again creating frameworks and norms about how people that identify as these genders are supposed to act. And this defeats the whole purpose of why we recognized concepts of other sexualities, other genders and breaks from gender roles in the first place. 

We wanted to show these people that their feelings are valid, that the way they’re navigating their relationships and their identities are valid and the heternormative society we’ve lived in that has been condemning for so long, was flawed, was wrong. 

But the thing is, with the establishment of all these social norms on how to navigate our relationships with LGBTQ people and how to navigate our own gender, sexuality, sex and role is just making us regress back to that shitty heteronormative society of a hundred years ago. Because suddenly, everyone is questioning once again ‘How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m nb?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m trans?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m LGBT?”  

And we’re creating these abstract ideas of how exactly, being genderfluid is supposed to feel like. Am I really supposed to be going by ‘they?’ Am I supposed to be uncomfortable with CIS pronouns?

And If I don’t go through this process… If I don’t feel this way then maybe I’m not NB? Maybe I’m not Trans? Maybe I’m not LGBT? And if I don’t conform to this clear cut idea of what NB is which people set up for me, god forbid I might just be transphobic or homophobic. 

And Here’s the thing, everyone’s journey to self discovery is unique and there is no exact way to go about your gender or identity. I find it terrifying actually that creating all these clear cut rules have built misconceptions in so many people already on what they are supposed to feel like when they decide to identify with a certain gender which is no different from long ago when people had to hide the fact that they liked people of the same gender because god forbid they might just be persecuted for being gay. 

Creating these frameworks, these incredibly strict rules on how someone is supposed to navigate relationships with LGBTs and their own personal identities is only making it all the more dangerous for people who are in the process of discovering themselves. 

Back in college, I used to accompany a friend to a clinic when he was starting HRT treatments and before he started them, he had to consult with a doctor and the consultation lasted months. Before all that, they gave him a checklist of ‘feelings,’ which if he does experience them, he checks it and if he does check enough of them and agrees with a huge chunk of them, then he might have gender dysphoria and maybe the HRT treatments and sex reassignment was for him. It was a hundred item checklist,  pages full of waivers, warnings and questions about his own experiences with his gender identity. And the fact that he had to consult for months after on that? There must be a reason. 

Maybe because the academe realizes, maybe because those adept on the field on gender realize that gender is too complex of a subject to have been boxed into these categories in the first place. 

And this whole discourse or I wouldn’t say discourse more of like, this ‘pushing of agendas’ as to say, ‘this is how being gender fluid or non binary is supposed to feel like’ this is how being transgender is supposed to feel like and if you don’t fit it to a T then you’re not transgender or you’re not nb. Or if you don’t fit it all, maybe you’re just transphobic is dangerous for many reasons. Either it gatekeeps people who want to explore their gender further. Or it forces people to have to conform to these and force themselves to ‘feel’ all of these things in the first place. 

And god, this is just the gender issue, I haven’t even explored the sexuality, gender roles or biological issue.  

i mean pronouns are important but they don’t really reflect someone’s gender??? like there’s people who use he/they, she/they or all pronouns(? they just don’t conform to gender binary ahaha

Given the environment on twitter and having witnessed the bullying first hand that came with one writer who is active on twitter using she/her pronouns for Hange, I feel like my own writing and my own POV on how I go about my writing and how I approach the gender of Hange (since I strictly use she/her) might just be a ticking time bomb and I might find myself at the end of whatever hate war or ‘education’ or as I like to just refer to as bullying, one day. 

I believe though I at least have enough knowledge and awareness of the LGBTQ situation and I think I did put a lot of thought already into this before I made my decision to use ‘she’ to refer to Hange.

(And tbh, you can be nonbinary and you can be female at the same time and I’ve written about that multiple times already BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CATEGORY. And creating this mutual exclusivity between being nonbinary and female just kinda invalidates a lot of those people who are still deciding where exactly they fall in this complex web of identity discovery)

As someone who generally mainly hangs out with LGBT people and i have been doing this since high school by the way, and as someone who has tried all the sexualities on the spectrum, I talked to my asexual friends about possibly being asexual, I have experimented with women and sometimes, I just had dry spells and it just so happened that in the end of all these, I fell in love with a guy but I really believe that gender is such a flexible thing and even though I am with aguy right now, I still simp over lesbians, gays, ciswomen, transgenders because simping isn’t about gender. 

And these set of rules on how to navigate genders is just invalidating the experiences of people who are flitting in between the two identities and it just hinders the process of self discovery for a lot of people. 

Anyway, the point is, there is only one statement I found fundamental when approaching my relationships with the LGBT community and my own perspective on my self identity. 

Recognition of someone’s feelings and their journey to a gender identity and the pronouns that come with it are important.

Then someone might go “THEN WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT HANGE’s NON BINARY PRONOUNS. Because just because someone is nonbinary doesn’t mean they automatically go for they. Just because someone is non-binary, doesn’t mean I have to use every single pronoun on the spectrum. The only one who can tell me what pronouns they want used on them is the person in question. 

(I actually read an argument somewhere that going for ‘they’ just because someone is NB is transphobic lmfao. Assuming someone’s pronouns is apparently transphobic too lmfao.)

AND HANGE IS FICTIONAL. And we will never hear about which pronoun she would have wanted in the first place and I think the great ‘nontransphobic’ in-between is just letting people interpret characters how they want to interpret characters in this fictional world (And Hange can be both interpreted as nb and female). It’s the policing which makes the whole process of self discovery, the process of navigating genders all the more difficult for a lot of people. 

And policing how exactly people should navigate gender and sexuality is just gatekeeping. Hange is everyone’s character. The only gender and sexuality identity people have complete jurisdiction on, is their own. And this policing of what exactly certain journeys to discovery are supposed to feel like is inherently harmful for those who are still in the process of deciding for themselves where they stand. 

And going back to what Yams said “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender/sexuality/gender roles.” I agree with that. 

Because even though I do use ‘she’ with Hange, I do not firmly believe that Hange is a cisgender heterosexual female either. I just believe there are so many more layers to her whole identity and I believe similarly for every single person. Just concluding for one’s self that Hange is nonbinary with a very narrow minded view of what non binary just generally defeats the whole purpose of being ‘free from the confines of gender’ and hinders a lot of discourse and analysis on Hange’s identity over all.

I mean, I don’t know if people agree with this but in the decades I have spent with my close friends figuring out their gender identities, changing pronouns, transitioning, coming out to their parents, here is one thing I noticed. They weren’t asking for a celebration of their gender or sexuality, they weren’t asking for all these policing on how people should approach them. All they wanted was for their feelings to be validated, normalized as an everyday occurrence. I think the point of all these LGBTQ discourse (and by extension race and sex discourse) were all there to just make all these different identities normalized and to completely eradicate the concept of a negative bias or an other which was generally plaguing society for a long time. 

And as their friends, I have never approached them as this champion who would make sure EVERYONE RESPECTED THEM IN THAT WAY IN TWITTER THEY BELIEVE LGBTQ PEOPLE SHOULD BE RESPECTED. All these nonverbal rules I have set up for myself on how to go about being friends with them is because I wanted them to be happy and comfortable in their shoes. And what were the types of things they appreciated? Me hiding it from their parents until they were ready to come out, me helping make their relationship work with their partner, me respecting the pronouns they requested for themselves, me accompanying them to HRT when their parents refused. 

And you know what, that was only a facet of our friendships. My friends’ gender identities and sexualities never dominated discourse. None of them were the ‘token gay friend,’ the ‘token lesbian friend’ or the ‘token asexual friend’ or the ‘token NB friend.’ They were all people I genuinely care about who just happened to have fallen in love with someone of the same gender. They were just people who just happened to be uncomfortable with their original sex. But I would never just describe them as just that. My friend who just so happens to identify as assexual makes a great companion on a night out drinking. My friend who just so happens to be trasngender is really great with logistics and planning and was super helpful and I was eternally grateful when we worked together on that one project. My friend who just happens to be a lesbian has the cutest picture of her girlfreind on her phone screen. 

I will memorize their favorite orders, what makes them tick, what makes them such a great companion, their talents, capabilities more than I will remember their gender. And that’s the characetr song in question is called “Jibunrashiku” or in English “just like me.” Because in the end a strict society which creates all these maxims of what exactly people of a certain gender should act would of course birth songs like “Just like me” A society which puts so much emphasis on gender and sex  as an identity instead of other things like personality, preferences, skills etc. 

And I don’t know if it applies to everyone. But my friends appreciate it because this journey to whatever gender identity they chose wasn’t rooted in some sort of strict framework on how they should be treated according to twitter. It was rooted in their own experiences and how these experiences made them feel. 

Do they feel weird in a woman’s body? Do they just don’t feel any romantic attraction to the opposite gender?

Just treat them as how you would treat anyone else you respect. Just be a decent person. Just be a good friend.

Respect their requests for their own personal pronouns. If they need help, help them to the best of your abilities. 

And here’s the thing, the approach I use with navigating identities, sexuaities genders are rooted in one very simple concept which can be applied to the race discourse, the feminist discourse etc etc. 

Don’t be an ass. Respect people. Don’t reduce people to one facet of their identity. And by extension, when faced with such a dubious situation, think, discern for yourself what’s right or wrong. When there are people educating you, policing you on what is right or wrong, process that information objectively.  

All I have here right now is my own opinions on the gender discourse on Hange and my own opinions on the discourse overall. 

If you don’t agree with it, then have a nice day and I hope you find something else that will convince you to be more openminded but...

UTANG NA LOOB HUWAG LANG KAYO MAMBULLY NG TAO POTA. MAGHANAP NALANG KAYO NG IBANG PWEDENG GAWIN SA BUHAY MO. 

ANG DAMING NASASAKTAN ANG DAMING NATRATRAUMA ANG DAMING NAWAWALANG GANA MAGSULAT KASI DI KAYO NAG-IISIP. PURO TIRA LANG. 

Okay thank you for listening. Do what you want with the information up there but I have said my piece.

[areyougonnabe]

Fic Writer Questions!

tagged by @palamedessextus !!! thank u i love to procrastinate on writing by writing about writing

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

110 on my main account (+ 4 on my sneaky sock for Crimes™ lol)

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

614,551 on my main account which is. hm. a lot

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

obvi the main ones are the terror (50 fics) and good omens (35 fics). beyond that: TMA, the OA, doctor who, LOST, red dwarf, what we do in the shadows, the aubreyad, legends of tomorrow, banished, MCU, bbc ghosts, jeeves & wooster, russian doll, true detective, twin peaks, fleabag, & it's always sunny.

so technically 19, but wow a LOT of those are because i am a fiend for crossovers. (true detective x red dwarf... twin peaks x hannibal... the OA x lost.... russian doll x doctor who...) and many of the others were one-offs for yuletide. i'm pretty monofannish when it comes to writing!

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

lol they're all going to be for good omens... let's see

1. "it's a new craze" - the podcast fic. imho this fic is the definition of "The Claw," a.k.a. the phenomenon that sees some fics plucked out from the fray to become super popular. i'm not denying that it's good! i still think it's pretty clever! but its popularity was probably as much a function of timing as of quality

2. "what a way to make a living" - the uber driver fic. honestly still pretty proud of this one, it flows well and is structurally interesting and genuinely very funny and the perfect length. i had a blast in good omens fandom writing comedic fic, this one

3. "dearly departed" - another one i'm still very happy with. my first ever finished multi-chapter fic & the story that proved to me i could sustain a plot and original characters and also that people would actually enjoy it. so a pretty big deal!

4. "blame it on my juice, baby!" - the fake love potion one. i wrote this fic while delirious with horrible fever cooped up in a tiny council flat airbnb bedroom in london. i think it's still pretty strong although since writing it i've developed a severe aversion to the "meddling friend engineers a get-together" trope in fic & so cringe a bit when i read it back, lmao

5. "greatest hits" - the one with the original songs! the songs are still good.... the fic is ehhhhhhh i guess.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

i don't respond to comments on most of my gomens fic anymore because 🤷‍♀️ but i do try to reply to everything i get on my terror fic/smaller fandom stories! my replies are usually very lame but i do like to take the time to thank people for reading.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

i usually don't write angsty endings because i'm a weenie BUT the one exception is probably my terror/TMA crossover which cannot be said to end well by any means lol

7) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

dearly departed has a very lovely ending... i will also plug my OA fic heat rises which is GREAT and has a GREAT ending and nobody read it because nobody watched the OA. i'm fine it's fine

8) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

as mentioned above, yes, compulsively... award for craziest simply has to go to It's Always Sunny In Another Dimension which is, yes, an IASIP x OA crossover. i apologize for nothing

9) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not that i can recall, [bubbe voice] tenks gad!!!

10) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

i do i do.... when i first picked up fic writing again after college i thought smut would forever totally beyond me but after some very kind encouragement from friends i tried my hand at it & was off to the races.

i would not say i am an expert at it by any means but i have a lot of fun with it, & people seem to generally appreciate it, so i will keep going!

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

also no, phew

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, a bunch of my gomens fics have been translated into chinese and russian, which is so so super cool!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yuh, i had a few legendary cowrites in GO! the slow show metafic with cherry @fremulon and the shitscript crossover extravaganza with hallie @kalelraejepsen !!! both tremendously fun experiences

14) What’s your all time favorite ship?

that is a very tough one. if you go by my ao3 bookmarks it's aziraphale/crowley, which might be true still tbh... but i dunno. maybe ten/rose because that shit never leaves you.

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

in terms of fic i already started posting, there's my one terror WIP with amnesiac tozer that i swear i WILL finish one day... and same goes for my good omens music & lyrics AU, which i fully expect to pick back up and finish off when i inevitably return to the fandom for series 2.

as far as stuff that never made it out of drafts, i started a hodgson-centric fic a few weeks ago that i got like 4k into before realizing i need to seriously refine my approach. so hopefully after exe fest i will get around to that!

16) What are your writing strengths?

well i am funny. so i've got that going for me. other than that ummmm i don't know. i don't think of myself as a particularly good or strong writer bc i really am just here for a laff. i think i can turn a phrase well and get the most out of imagery; i'm good at coming up with compelling story concepts and weird gimmicks, i guess?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

i fundamentally don't know or understand how People Actually Act And Feel so i have a hard time getting realistic or interesting reactions and conflicts out of characters. my plots (when my stories have them at all) are very powered by external events, i wouldn't call myself a character-driven writer by any means. for the same reasons i struggle with voice and dialogue beyond superficial signposting via vocabulary/syntax. also, sustaining a long story/finding enough Stuff To Happen to fill it up/having the patience to keep writing... is something i need to work on for sure.

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i'm a lame american who only speaks english so honestly i don't really have thoughts!

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

i distinctly remember hand-writing in my notebook two or three pages worth of a story about what happened to the main precog in "minority report" after watching the movie when i was like seven. the first fandom i actually wrote fic for and posted it online was probably doctor who circa 2010 ish? but my warrior cats RP career predates that by a few years and i did a LOT of writing there. oh warriorsforest39 dot proboards dot com you are missed....

20) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

SEX GHOST AU! SEX GHOST AU!

tagging folks :))) @laissezferre @titleleaf @theburialofstrawberries @girdedheraround @flanneryoconnorfanfiction @wreathedwith if u want!!

[galacticlamps]

Tagged by @the--highlanders​ ! Thanks!

How many works do you have on AO3?

13

What’s your total AO3 word count?

76,200

(oh what a nice even number - I should try to mess that up as soon as possible, shouldn’t I?)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Aw man is this intentionally worded to be really hard to answer? I get that it says ‘written’ and not ‘posted’ but then what constitutes a ‘fandom?’ I definitely wrote fics for stuff I was interested in long before I even knew the word ‘fic’ - I did it throughout my childhood, and then in high school, and while I didn’t do it as much in college, it still happened from time to time. So a lot of the books/movies/tv shows/plays/musicals I wrote things for aren’t really fandoms, and frankly, I had to check my old folder just now to even remember some of them existed. I’ll just list the ones that I know for sure had fandoms, since that’s more fun (and embarrassing), right?

Obviously Doctor Who, classic and modern, Torchwood, Sherlock Holmes (ironically more of these seem to be about the books, but yes, I will admit, some for that tv show too), Les Mis, a couple different Marvel comics & movies, Good Omens, hell, I even found a Night Vale fic in there just now.

And I know there are other older things not even in that folder, some of which never made it to a computer at all, so if I had to ballpark a number I’d probably say around 25ish but really, who knows?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Across the Gap

On the Spot

Expectations

Shards of Memories & Fragments of Glass

Itemized

(this was fun, I’d never noticed Ao3 even had a stats page until now lol)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I take a long time to do so but for the most part, I usually get around to it. The rare exception would be if I first saw the comment when I was super busy/distracted and then felt like way too much time passed before I noticed it again, that it might be awkward if I said something at that point.

I do genuinely enjoy hearing what people think, but I’m also weirdly terrified of making anyone feel like they have to reply to my comments. I know that’s probably a little strange, but it’s actually a large part of why I made this Ao3 account in the first place - my original one, from high school, is followed by some long-time friends of mine who aren’t interested in this fandom, some of whom are involved in art & writing professionally. The thought of anyone like that reading something I wrote out of friendliness or even just curiosity and potentially having to pretend they liked it for the same reasons stressed me tf out, so I like having this virtually anonymous one because I can relax knowing that anyone who reads or interacts with something I wrote has probably done so only because they wanted to, rather than feeling obligated, and there’s no pressure on them to be nice to me about it if anything I write or post annoys them - so I really hope nobody who does just know me as an anonymous blog has ever worried about offending me by not replying to something, trust me, I’m perfectly happy with it!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don’t think I’ve really written any angsty endings? I guess the answer would have to be Reckless just because it involves the characters arguing about sad/weighty things and there isn’t really any solution to those issues - but even then I think I ended it with a kind of acceptance that stops it from really qualifying as angst? I also set it in the the same universe as other fics, so maybe that doesn’t even count as an ending? Am I that bad at ending things on angst? Lol

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Obviously none of the fics I’ve posted are crossovers but I’m trying to think now if any of my WIP’s are - I’ve definitely poached setting/premise ideas from other media, but in terms of actual crossovers . . . I’ve got a few cross-era or cross-Doctor, a few involving Torchwood, but that’s already the same universe, so the only thing that’d qualify as a true crossover would be some vague pieces of a fic where Jamie, Zoe, and Two end up on the Enterprise, since I think the 60s series of Star Trek and Dr Who feel kind of compatible, don’t they? In fact, aren’t there like officially licensed crossover comics or something? Or did I make that up? Idk, and the ideas are very loose, so it’s not much of a WIP either

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope, never

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I’ve never written smut, but I’m wondering if it’s possible that could change soon. There’s a longish multi-chapter fic I’ve been working on for a frankly embarrassing amount of time, and the plot does call for a sex scene at one point towards the end, but I can’t seem to make up my mind on how - uh, I guess the word is explicit? - it should get. I know I could easily do a fade to black/implication thing, but it’s kind of a source of contention and anxiety for the characters, so to skip over writing the actual scene and just revisit them afterwards rings of “and they slept together and now everything’s fine!” which feels kinda cheap to me - in this context, anyway - and not the right payoff for a long fic that’s otherwise more of an interpersonal drama/slightly a period piece, if I had to place it in a genre. I feel like my aversion to actually writing the scene might just be prudishness I should get over, or maybe just self-doubt, because I know I’d rather have a well-written, funny, character-development-supporting sex scene than nothing at all, but since I’ve never had any interest in writing a scene like that before, I don’t know if I can do it well, and I also don’t want to ruin a fic I’m otherwise proud of by doing it badly... ugh I have to figure this out

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I seriously doubt it

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I mean, it’s gotta be Two & Jamie. I’ve shipped things before with varying levels of investment, but I’ve never been able to use the term ‘otp’ in a literal sense until I came across them, and now it’s already basically gone out of fashion, go figure!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’m not sure if I have one? My WIP doc is huge, but I don’t actually intend to get around to finishing everything in it, so I’d like to think that anything I’ve currently singled out to complete can actually get done.

That said, I do have a few AU’s that I don’t really plan to finish, but it might be cool if I could. Two of them are for all the main + some supporting characters of the Second Doctor’s era - one’s a modern day school teachers AU, and the other is a typical fantasy/fairy tale AU. Another is just Two/Jamie, based on Doctor Faustus (specifically the Marlowe play version) but right now there are two different versions of the ending coexisting in my head. I’ve written parts of scenes & some gen. backstory for all of those ideas, but I don’t know if I’ll ever try to finish them, or what form a finished product would even take - a series of one-shots set in the same universe? one long multi-chapter fic with some kind of overarching plot? And the amount of context/worldbuilding a big AU like these would require might not make them very appealing fics for people to read, so maybe it is better if I just keep them to myself, since in my head I already know what’s going on in those worlds lol.

What are your writing strengths?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t had a creative writing class since middle school, and since then I’ve only ever shown creative writing to others in a fandom context, so it’s been a while since I’ve discussed it or gotten critical feedback. I suppose when I work in other arts or even academic writing contexts, people usually say I’m kind of insightful or at least detail oriented, which might just be another way of saying I overthink things, but I like to imagine I’m decent at finding little points of interest to expand upon.

What are your writing weaknesses?

If you’ve read this far I feel like you must know what I’m about to say: I do not know how to be concise.

Usually when I’m writing a fic, I put down the dialogue first on its own, leaving out the action of the scene and whatever plot/context led there, even if I’ve already figured all of that out. But then when I go to add those things in, they’re always longer than I wanted them to be. I don’t mind writing something long, but I don’t want my fics to be a slog to get through either, and there can be a point at which the stuff I’ve added for context overwhelms the stuff that I wanted the fic to be about in the first place, so it becomes a structural/proportion issue too. I haven’t completely given up on any fics because of this yet, but there’s one I’ve been struggling with for a couple months now - probably because I’m even second-guessing myself on which scenes need to be written out and which can just be referenced like a recap. Hopefully I figure that one out soon.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

((this is karma isn’t it? i posted a fic last week with two words of gaelic in it and was worried about that and now this is karma))

In general, I don’t want to do it. I feel like you’ve gotta have a really good grasp of a language to write dialogue & speech patterns for someone who’s a native speaker, and since I’m far from fluent in any language the characters I write for are, I wouldn’t feel confident writing any significant amount of dialogue in, say, Gaelic.

As a sidenote, though, I kinda love it when other people do it, particularly for Jamie. Irish (Gaeilge) and Scottish (Gàidhlig) are both languages I’ve wanted to learn for a long time, because my family’s fresh out of living speakers of either & I think that’s a shame, but I started with Irish and at the moment I’m still very much learning it. As different as they are, it still helps me understand parts of lyrics or texts that I come across in Gàidhlig fairly frequently, so when it comes up in a fic I get to feel like I’m being responsible and practicing, and it’s great when I can actually understand what’s being said.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I’m gonna go with Harry Potter even though that’s probably not a perfectly accurate answer - it’s almost certainly the first thing that has a fandom that I ever wrote for, but it was in a notebook when I was a kid and never something that I even typed on a computer, much less posted online or shared with other members of a fandom. But even then, I’m sure it wasn’t the first pre-existing fictional universe I ever set an original story in, because I did that a lot when I was a kid, it’s just hard to remember those clearly or on any kind of timeline.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I’m very partial to Across the Gap, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that ranked first on the kudos thing above - but I’ve also got a soft spot for So Merrily We’ll Sing. It’s so self-indulgent it feels silly saying ‘it was so easy to write!’ but I guess having a fic that’s already just 100% headcaonons and fluff tied together by a song you really love does prevent it from being much of a labor (I also managed to refrain from making that one unnecessarily long, so that’s another win there)

tagging @terryfphanatics and anyone else who wants to do it - sorry I’m bad at remembering whose tumblr goes with whose Ao3 account, but I really would be interested to read this if anyone else feels like answering them!

[vaguelyrotten]

Like a Lily In a Flood

Title: Like a Lily in a Flood Artist: @myulalie Beta: @another-random-stranger​​ Pairings: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, mentions of Jimon and Reyhill Word Count: 70k Warnings: Mild Gore, Beheading, Nearly being eaten alive and burned at the stake, Discrimination, Sickness Summary:  Alec returns home to find his town plagued by a mysterious illness. Unable to find a cure, he ventures into the woods to seek help from an unlikely source. We must not look at goblin men... This fic was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2021: Presented by the @malecdiscordserver

Chapter One

It was raining.

Then again, it was always raining in Idris when it seemed to matter most.

Alec dipped out of the carriage with a sigh and made a beeline for the manor’s front door, knowing that he was going to get wet regardless.

“Alec,” his mother said coldly as she opened the door. “It was nice of you to take time out of your busy schedule and join us in our time of need.” He sighed, following his mother into the house and stripping off his soaked jacket.

He stood, dripping wet, in the foyer as Maryse looked him over with a hard eye. “It doesn’t look like the city nor the additional training you are supposed to be receiving are doing you any good. Honestly, what was even the point of sending you? You should have stayed here. You could have taken over the household when your father fell ill.”

He knew that his mother meant for her words to hurt him, and there was a time only a few years ago when they would have, but no longer. Getting out from under his parents’ thumb had done wonders for his mental health. He knew who he was now and that he had the ability to choose his own path.

So right now? Standing in the foyer of the house he hadn’t set foot in for two years, soaked to the bone and under his mother’s scrutiny? He felt nothing...and it felt good. “You have Jace,” he replied after a moment, accepting the towel that their butler Hodge was offering him.

She scoffed, crossing her arms in that way which meant an argument was coming. “Jace has his duties and you had yours. You were supposed to be head of this house, and this town, after your father retired.”

He’d first left for the city under the pretense of studying law but he’d fallen out of love with that and discovered that his true passion was architecture. He, of course, hadn’t informed his parents of his decision to switch his field of study. They’d be disappointed and there would be words, and while their opinions no longer mattered to him, he needed to be in the right frame of mind for that conversation. He didn’t foresee himself wanting to take that dive any time soon. “I left for the family’s best interest. We need to get out of here. This town is killing all of us.”

Before his father had fallen ill, he’d meant that metaphorically. Generations of Lightwoods had lived in Idris for nearly two-hundred years and had held the position of mayor for most of that. In that time, his family had grown crueler and colder. Once, they’d been a light in the darkness for the people in this town, rescuing them from disaster and leading them through. Today, the Lightwoods still led… but they definitely no longer did it with Idris’ best interest at heart.

No, it was all about power. Alec hated that and all the politics that came with it. That’s what he had hoped to avoid by moving to the city. One day, he was hoping he could have his siblings join him.

His mother chose to say nothing more. He draped the towel over his shoulders with a sigh. “Let me see him. I’m here now, at least.” Alec had tried to get there sooner but the spring rain made getting across the river treacherous. He had to wait a couple of days for the water to get back to normal levels. His mother started up the stairs and he followed her without further comment.

“I have the house and the town to attend to. Someone has to run this place while Robert is indisposed. I’ll leave you to it but come find me when you’re done, Alec. We have issues to discuss.” She closed the door behind her, leaving Alec alone in the room with his very ill and unconscious father.

Alec had seen his father in a lot of ways — some good, some bad, but he’d never seen him like this. The older man was pale and clammy and yet somehow looked peaceful. This illness was like nothing the town had ever seen before. Their doctors had been completely stumped...the first few symptoms had appeared — loss of appetite, attention, and other cognitive abilities that soon gave way to fever. The fever never broke and eventually, the patient lost consciousness. They were slowly wasting away into nothing.

Except not quite. They’d realized that the first few patients never got worse in that way that they did when their ancestors had the wasting disease caused by bad fruit. Instead, their body almost seemed to be turning to stone. And that was frighteningly new and uncharted waters.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t come sooner,” he whispered as he touched the back of his hand gently to his father’s head. The fever was still there and his skin felt all too brittle. “But I promise I will do whatever is in my power to find a way to fix this.”

“We’re glad you’re finally here, Alec,” a voice said, pulling him from his reverie to turn to the door. “We tried to do the best that we could but...neither Izzy nor I are you, and Maryse just wants to keep doing that thing where she insists there’s no problem at all and it’s business as usual.” Jace closed the door quietly behind him and pulled his brother into a hug.

“Do you guys know anything? Mom’s letter was…” His voice trailed off as he searched for more polite words.

“Entirely lacking?” Jace supplied for him. “Unfortunately, nothing solid. They all seem to have fallen ill at around the same time. There are eleven total and they were all fairly recently on a patrol of the borders. We’ve hired sorcerers from the city, hedge witches, even a psychic or two, but no one can find anything wrong with them. They’re just...asleep. Asleep but slowly turning to stone it seems. We’ve got people digging through old books in the archives but no one has turned up anything even remotely similar to whatever this is.”

Alec wasn’t a doctor — he was, in fact, the farthest thing from one. Isabelle knew infinitely more than he did when it came to medicine. What he lacked in knowledge, he made up for in stubborn determination and his ability to think around a situation. If he wanted to find a possible cure for whatever was ailing the townspeople, he’d have to think outside of the proverbial box. “I’ll do what I can,” he said after a moment, giving his father’s unconscious form one last look before stepping into the hallway with Jace at his heels. “I’m not a miracle worker.” But he’d be damned sure he’d try to be one.

“I’ve got to get back. I just wanted to see you before you passed out or Maryse got to you first,” Jace replied, squeezing his shoulder and heading down the stairs towards the front door. “Good luck in there — she’s been… particularly Maryse since Robert took ill.” That fact didn’t surprise Alec at all. His mother had never dealt with change very well.

She was waiting for him in his father’s office, exactly where he had expected her to be. “Close the door behind you, Alec. What I’ve got to say need not fall on nosy ears.” He knew she was referring to Isabelle and her endless curiosity. While he didn’t necessarily agree with his mother’s request, he did oblige. “Take a seat.” She gestured towards a chair in front of the desk — one that Alec had distinct memories of sitting in any time he’d gotten in trouble when he’d been younger and had been called in front of his father. Alec chose the farther seat instead, ignoring the judgemental look that he received.

“As no cure has been found nor diagnosis made and your father’s condition is only getting worse, we need to prepare for the worst.” She pushed a yellowed document across the desk and Alec took it, scanning the page quickly before realizing what he was holding in his hand.

“This is his will,” he stated simply, his fingers glossing over the page as he quickly read through it. It didn’t look like it had been written recently. His mother nodded her head in confirmation.

“He’s been preparing for the worst. He’s already a few years older than your grandfather and your great-grandfather were when they died… and there have been stirrings on the borders. He was afraid that the men would be called to war any day now.” Alec frowned at that. He hadn’t heard of anything going on that would signal the start of a war. Sure, Idris wasn’t a big town but if war was truly coming, he assumed someone in his family would have told him.

“Oh, don’t give me that. There hasn’t been anything truly substantial. Some whispers, some unrest, but nothing more than that. Robert has been...unwell for a while now. He’s grown...paranoid. He had his will drawn up shortly after you left.” Her stoic facade had broken now and Alec could count on one hand the number of times that he’d seen his mother look truly lost.

“It was his idea to say yes when you asked to go to college in the city,” she continued, holding out her hand for him to return the will. “He thought getting out of here would keep you safe and if you were safe there would be someone to take over when he was gone. That’s what he really wanted and I’m sorry Alec, I know you’re enjoying your time at The Institute studying law but the family needs you here now.”

He wanted to argue. Angel, how he wanted to argue with her. He had had to fight tooth and claw to get them to even consider letting him into the city to further his studies. The Lightwoods had been here for generations and not a single one of them had ever left. This was home or at least it should be. Alec had always felt more alienated than most for reasons he tried to keep to himself.

So while yes, he knew that he should fight and argue and insist that he deserved to go back to the city because he had fought so damn hard for it in the first place, he knew that right here, right now… his argument would fall flat. The very best thing he could do was study and beg and plead and crawl through whatever hell he needed to to find a cure for this illness. When his father was well again and his father wanted him safe, he’d have a better chance of getting out of here once more. “Of course, mother, anything for the family,” he replied, trying to keep his voice level. “I’ll get to work at once.”

She sighed, obviously expecting more of a fight out of him and now not really sure how the rest of the conversation was going to go. “No, not at once. You’ve only just arrived and I’m sure you are exhausted. Besides, you’re still dripping on the mahogany floors. Go change before you ruin the antique wood, and say hello to your sister. She’s been waiting for you to get here.”

Alec didn’t bother with a response, simply turning on his heel and heading towards the stables — where he knew his sister would inevitably be hiding. The rain was starting to slow but Alec didn’t want to get even wetter if he could avoid it so he jogged across the cobblestones and pushed open the barn door.

Isabelle was, as expected, at the end of the aisle, illuminated by the grey hues of the rainy weather outside. She raised her whip above her head and snapped it towards a lone bottle on the rail with a loud crack. Alec continued to watch in silence for a few more moments as she set the bottle back up and went again. Finally, he let out a slow clap and watched as she tensed, relaxing once again when she realized who had interrupted her practice session.

“Good job,” he said, opening his arms to allow her to dash across the room to give him a hug. “You’re getting better at that. I dare say you might even be an expert.”

She snorted, her face buried in his shoulder as the two continued to hug. “Try telling that to mom. She still thinks it isn’t proper and that I should focus on finding myself a husband from a nice family. ‘Leave the weapons to your brothers, Isabelle. Men don’t want a wife who can beat them in a sword fight,” she mocked in a very good imitation of Maryse Lightwood.

“Ignore her. Any man you find would be lucky to have you. Besides, if you stopped, who would be my competition?” Alec asked, taking a step back so that he could look down into her eyes. “I’d have to practice with Jace and you know how he is...he—”

“Cheats,” she interrupted with a sniffle. “Yeah, I know. He hasn’t gotten any better, either. Still just as cocky, still a bad liar, and still telegraphs his moves.” She put the bottles back on the shelf and began to coil her whip back up. “He missed you, you know. I do too...and Max. It’s just not the same without you here.”

Alec knew that Isabelle knew exactly why he’d needed to leave. He also knew that she didn’t blame him, but the Lightwood siblings had always been close. He missed not being able to see them more than once a year.

“Mom’s been...harder since Dad got sick. She’s worried, we can tell, but she’s trying to continue as if it’s business as usual and you know how she is when she gets stressed,” Isabelle sighed. Alec knew all too well. Maryse tended to meddle in her children’s lives far more than was necessary.

That had, in fact, been the final straw for Alec. His mother had been dealing with some Idris politics and had decided to kill two birds with one stone. She’d set Alec up with a nice young girl from the village to strengthen the Lightwood family name and had given herself something to take her mind off the stress from work.

Alec had nearly ended up married.

Nearly. Luckily, Jace and Isabelle had stepped up to argue about Alec’s choice and happiness. The wedding had descended into chaos and Alec had set out for the city the next day under the guise of studying law.

“Come on,” he said after a moment, throwing his arm around her shoulder and pulling her back in for a quick hug. “Let’s head back inside. I want to change into something dry and I’ve yet to see Max. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see me.”

----------

Dinner was a quieter affair than Alec expected from a Lightwood family dinner. Without Robert there to judge them, his conversation with his siblings was light and easy. Jace and Isabelle caught him up on town gossip. Max tried to add his two cents when he could but the conversation strayed towards more adult topics like who was marrying who and what the Council had recently decreed.

“Mom says she’s going to send me to boarding school in the fall,” Max stated when there was a break in conversation. “I don’t want to go. I’ll have to wear a scratchy uniform and get up early and it’ll be so far away. I want to be like Jace and fight monsters!”

“Max, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Maryse replied with a glare. “The Carstairs Academy is a lovely school. They’ll teach you manners, for one thing. You’ll learn math, science, and history. You’ll be going to a proper school — like Alec. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

The little boy grimaced. “I don’t want to be like Alec...no offense. I want to kill dragons and fight trolls like Jace.”

“It’s less dragons and trolls and more about upset fathers and a fast horse, little man,” Jace replied, getting a smack on the back of the head from Isabelle. “What? It’s true.”

“That’s enough — apparently, none of my children have manners. Max, it’s past your bedtime. It’s time to let the adults talk.” Max looked about to argue but one look from Maryse had him pushing in his chair and shuffling out of the room. Once they heard the door upstairs shut with an audible thud, she turned her attention back towards her other children. “I’ll be leaving before the sun rises. I’m heading to Alicante tomorrow to seek help from the king. I’ll start in town, we’ll leave two days after that. I’ll be gone as long as it takes to make our case.”

Alec’s fork clattered to his plate. “What? You’re just leaving? Dad’s already indisposed and you’re just going to leave the town without any sort of leadership? You’re going to leave us here alone?” He was well aware that his parents had made some stupid decisions in the past but this had to be one of the stupidest that he’d heard.

“The rest of the Council is still in town, Alec, and in case you have forgotten, I brought you back. We’ve tried everything to cure this and nothing is working. We’re losing more people to this cursed disease each day. We’ve got to try something. Pleading our case to the king and hoping for assistance is all we’ve got left.”

Alec picked up his fork and said nothing in response. He was sure the anger was coming off him in visible waves. “I’m not going alone, Alec,” his mother said after a moment, choosing not to start an argument and stating the facts instead. “Two of your father’s men will be going with me. We’ll only be gone a couple of weeks. With luck, we return with a cure.”

----------

Much later that evening, well after dinner had finished and his mother and siblings had gone off to bed and he’d had time to cool off, Alec found himself in the library staring at shelf after shelf of books that his family had collected over the years. His mother was certain that they’d already exhausted every possible option they had for a cure here, but Alec had never been one to give up that easily.

There had to be something in the thousands of books that they had here — even if it was just a footnote in some ancient text.

Angel, where would he even start?

He walked past the first shelf and ran his fingers gently over the spines of the books, taking in the titles as he did.

A Brief History of Idris, Recipes From the Coast, Nursery Rhymes and Other Tales, The Art of Breaking a Horse…

There was no rhyme nor reason to how anything here was shelved and he wished he was back in Alicante where he had a card catalog to reference at the very least. This could be a futile effort… but he had promised that he’d try, so try he shall.

He pulled the first book off the shelf — A Brief History of Idris —- and flipped to the first page. It was written by one of his ancestors; a Lightwood whose name he didn’t recognize. Maybe, with luck, that Lightwood had stumbled across something — anything — all those years ago that could help him now.

He could hope, at least.

Two hours later, he’d scanned quickly through the book and found it to be completely useless. He’d learned exactly nothing. The ‘brief history’ had been exactly what every child in Idris learned in school. He pushed himself off the chair he’d settled in and placed the book on the shelf. He could skip the cookbook — the likelihood of him finding a cure in that wasn’t high — before he moved on to the next one. Nursery Rhymes.

He meant to skip that one too but as his hand hovered over it, he realized that many myths and legends were often based in fact. It couldn’t hurt to give it a try. At the very least it wouldn’t take him long to read.

Most of the rhymes and stories were useless — schoolyard songs or bedtime stories — but tucked away at the end of the book was one that seemed a bit out of place. This was a longer poem with far more complicated words than the rest of the book. He frowned and glanced at the title.

The Goblin Market.

What?

Alec of course knew of the goblins who lived in the woods — all children in Idris were taught about them. The goblins were dangerous and would kidnap and eat children if they strayed too far into the woods. They used to be friendly with the townspeople but a war broke out and that relationship had ended. The goblins had secluded themselves in the woods — keeping their magic to themselves — and the people of Idris stayed in town and imported anything they needed from the neighboring cities.

It wasn’t an ideal situation but it was the one that they’d come up with quickly, and no one had ever seen fit to try and fix it.

The poem followed the story of two sisters who had heard the goblins crying in the middle of the night as they were trying to sell their fruits. One of the sisters tried what they were offering and fell ill when they returned home. She became listless and began to fade away. Her sister tried to save her and returned to the goblin market to obtain another fruit which she brought home and fed to her sister. The sister was cured and both girls lived happily ever after.

Alec frowned. That was similar to what the town was experiencing now… but the poem mentioned nothing about the sister turning to stone. After all the warnings about venturing into the woods that were drilled into them when they were little, surely none of the men who had fallen sick had been stupid enough to go to the goblins to try and trade.

He sighed and glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner of the room to find that three hours had passed since he’d been in here and it was now well after 2 in the morning. He should retire to his room to get a few hours of sleep before he had to wake up but...perhaps he had time for one more book.

Instead of putting the nursery rhyme book back on the shelf, he pushed it off to the corner of the table. Worst case he’d put it back later. There was no harm in leaving it out for now.

He walked back to the shelf and skipped over the book on horse training. The very next one was titled Herbal Remedies of Our Ancestors.

Finally. That was more like it.

----------

When his sister pushed open the door to the library the next morning, Alec jumped. He glanced at the clock and found that nearly five hours had passed since he’d pulled the book of herbal remedies off the shelf and began reading.

A few pages in, he’d pulled a sheet of paper out from the desk and had begun taking notes. One sheet had turned into two, which had quickly turned into far more than that.

There were so many plants that had been used to treat common illnesses when people weren’t so reliant on modern medicine or the magic from the sorcerers found in the cities.

Catnip for recovery from colds. St. John’s Wort for inflammation. Marigold for skin diseases.

It was a start.

Isabelle came up behind him and glanced over his shoulder with a frown. “That’s a lot of plants you’ve written down. I’m sure the hedge witch tried at least some of them. It’s not like we have a stock of these. Where do you expect to find Elderberry without a day’s ride out of Idris and a day’s ride back? We don’t really have that sort of time.”

He hadn’t considered that.

But perhaps there was a solution.

He glanced out of the window and a plan began to form in the back of his mind.

“I’ll have to visit the woods,” he said after a moment, grabbing the two books and his stack of papers and heading back to his room. He needed to prepare if he was venturing into the unknown.

“Alec! You can’t go into the woods. You know that we’ve all been banned from there. It isn’t safe!”

“I know, Izzy. Trust me, I know, but right now this is the only idea we’ve got to try to save our father and the rest of the people who have fallen sick; unless you’ve got a better idea that you’d like to share?” She remained silent and Alec shook his head. “I’ve got to get ready. Tell Jace to find me if he hasn’t left already and can you saddle Flame?”

She looked like she wanted to say more but eventually relented with a shake of her head. Alec watched her go with a sigh. He knew she was right — heading into the woods was a stupid and reckless idea at best...but it was one he had to try.

He quickly got dressed and grabbed a satchel from his closet. He’d leave the books here, just in case, but he needed a way to carry the list of plants he wanted to collect...as well as any plants he may actually find.

What else did he need to take?

He dashed down the stairs and into his father’s office, thanking the small miracle of his mother heading into town early this morning. Map...he probably needed a map. He rifled through the desk and found one tucked away at the back of a drawer. It was old but it would have to do. After all, no one had been in the woods in years. This was probably the most recent map they had.

Alec looked around, trying to figure out if there was anything else in here he’d need as Jace knocked on the door. His brother frowned at Alec’s frantic state. “Isabelle says you're going into the woods to pick some flowers? Come on, Alec, that’s a stupid idea. We can’t risk losing you too.”

“I know, Jace. I’ll be safe and I’ll be back by nightfall. I won’t push myself unnecessarily today but you know that everything that has been tried hasn’t worked. I came back to try and help with finding a cure, and I’m willing to give this a shot.”

Jace sighed, “What can I help with? Izzy said you needed to see me.”

“I need you to stay here… and I need some weapons. Have you seen my bow recently?” He hadn’t taken it with him when he’d moved to Alicante — he only hoped that his siblings had hidden it and that his parents hadn’t done the unthinkable.

“You’re sure about this?” Jace asked as Alec nodded. “Alright...then I’ll get it and meet you outside.”

Isabelle was waiting with Flame’s reins in her hand. The chestnut thoroughbred stamped his feet impatiently, unhappy to be standing still as long as he had been. Jace joined them with Alec’s bow and a small collection of knives a few moments later.

“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” the blond muttered, handing Alec’s weapons to him one by one before holding the horse steady so that Alec could mount. “Reckless is my style, not yours.”

“I’ll stay close to home. I’ll be on my guard. You’ve crossed through the woods a time or two and lived to tell the tail. I may have moved to the city, Jace, but I’m not inept. Remember who taught you.”

“Oh, trust me, you never let me forget it. Just be careful, alright? There are supposed to be some things in those woods that would frighten even me.” Alec tilted his head in response and spurred his horse on towards the woods. He’d stick to the trail as long as he could, but instead of veering left and heading into town, he’d take the worn deer trail through the trees.

He reminded himself that he would take any chance at saving his people and his family — even if it meant venturing into the deep woods and confronting the dangerous creatures that were said to live inside.

When he said he’d try anything — he meant it in every sense of the word. He still didn’t entirely believe the myths and legends of the goblin men that were said to inhabit Edom Forest but the town’s elders seemed to believe they did truly exist and Alec was certain no one had thought to go to the monsters for a solution.

He’d told Jace and Isabelle of his intentions, but instead told his mother that he was heading into town. It wasn’t entirely a lie. He’d had to cross the bridge that would lead him to Idris before he’d reach the path that would take him off the road and into the forest. When the cobblestones ended, he was faced with an overgrown dirt path that seemingly led to nowhere. He pulled Flame to a brief halt and quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t being followed before clicking him on and making his way into the woods.

His first impression of Edom Forest was that it wasn’t anything spectacular. He rode for two hours and noticed that the trees were like any other trees, the birds like any other birds, and there were certainly no trace of goblins in sight. He was beginning to think he’d been tricked by children’s tales when a scrap of color flapping in the wind caught his attention. He brought his horse to a halt.

It was a scrap of purple cloth with texture that Alec had never seen before. He’d never seen anyone in the town wearing anything this color either, as purple dyes tended to be expensive. If they were in the city, sure, but not here in Edom Forest. He left it fluttering where it was tied on the branch as he noticed another piece a little further down the path. If he strained his eyes, he could see a third splash of purple past that.

He had no way of knowing who had left these markers here or for what reason, but right now this was his best lead to finding the goblins in the woods. And like he kept telling himself, he was willing to try anything.

He could be met with swords,traps or wild animals. The goblins themselves might make an appearance. His people had no knowledge of what existed this deep into the woods outside of old wives’ tales and cautionary tales for children. Who knew what he would come across?

He took a deep breath and nudged his horse forward. The gelding hesitated for a moment — feeding off Alec’s own growing unease — before taking a few slow steps in the direction he’d been pointed towards, his head high and eyes wide the entire time.

Alec had certainly been expecting to find something after following the trail of purple scraps. What he hadn’t been expecting to find was a stray horse who was calmly grazing under a tall, oddly shaped Ash tree without a human in sight.

The stallion was solid black and soaking wet, like he’d been ridden hard despite the lack of tack or rider around him. Alec gently jumped from his horse’s back and took a few slow steps forward hoping that he didn’t spook the animal. “Whoa, boy. It’s alright.” He held his hand out gently and let the horse take a cautious sniff. “Surely, you aren’t out here alone.”

The horse’s nose touched the back of Alec’s hand gently. Alec took a moment to look him over. He was small...around 14 hands if he had to guess, and not much bigger than Max’s pony. There wasn’t a lick of white on him, and while his mane and tail were wet and slightly tangled, the rest of him was in good condition. The pony didn’t look like he’d been living rough — so he’d either just escaped or had dumped his rider and somehow escaped his tack. “Where’s your person? I can’t leave you out here like this.”

The horse huffed and nosed at Alec’s pockets. “Hey now, that’s enough. I didn’t exactly come out here prepared to take in a stray. I was looking for something else. I don’t suppose you’ve seen any goblins have you?”

“He likes you.” The voice that came from above startled Alec, and he took a step back from the mysterious horse to glance upwards. There was a man sitting on a thick branch about halfway up. With the sun behind him, Alec couldn’t see little more than that. The voice sounded amused though, and Alec had to wonder what the mystery man was doing this deep into the woods.

“How can you tell?” It was a stupid question, he knew that, but he couldn’t stop himself before the words had passed his lips. He should be asking for a name or providing his, not asking why the horse liked him. Not the smartest thing, he thought to himself.

“He hasn’t eaten you yet,” The man jumped gracefully to a lower branch before performing an elaborate flip for a dismount and landing steadily on his feet. “Kelpies have unusually sharp teeth, a taste for flesh and blood, and an attitude that would give even the haughtiest of lords a run for their money.”

Alec instinctively took a step back, which didn’t seem to phase the horse — kelpie, apparently — who continued to search Alec’s pockets for some sort of snack. “He doesn’t look like a kelpie.” As far as he was aware, kelpies weren’t real. Even if they were, the books said they were supposed to have seaweed in their manes and tales, backward hooves, and razor sharp teeth. This looked like a small, lightly built riding pony.

“And how many kelpies have you actually seen? They wouldn’t be very effective hunters if you could see what they are before they strike.” The other man replied, patting the horse on the shoulder affectionately. “I’m Magnus Bane. And who are you, handsome stranger?”

“Alec.” Now that the sun wasn’t casting a silhouette behind him, Alec could get a better look at the man. He was shorter than Alec, though his heeled boots gave him some height. His skin was the color of honey, his hair was dark with a streak of blue through it, and his eyes…

Alec lost himself in Magnus’ eyes. They were golden with slit pupils...quite like the cats that hung around the barn. And they were enough to tell Alec that the man wasn’t human — no human would have eyes like that.

“You’re a goblin,” Alec stuttered. The books hadn’t really said what the goblins looked like. He vaguely recalled something about a cat’s face and a rat’s tail...or was it furry and like a snail? Humans didn’t have cat’s eyes, though. Even if Magnus weren’t a goblin, he was certainly something different; and that was maybe, just maybe, another avenue that Alec could try for a possible cure.

It was only after he had these thoughts that he wondered if he should worry about his own safety. His hand went to the knife on his belt before he’d realized it.

Magnus hummed, watching the realization cross Alec’s face before he laughed. “Not quite. I’m only half. My father is but my mother was a mere human. Nothing goblin about her. In fact, if I had to guess she was from your town. Idris, am I right? Though, this was quite some time ago, well before you were ever around, pup.”

“How did that happen? And my name is Alec, not pup.” As far as Alec was aware, the goblins stayed deep inside the forest and the people of Idris were told to avoid them. They hadn’t actually been seen in years. Many of the younger people thought they were nothing more than a myth. Alec certainly hadn’t believed in them. Until now, that was. It was hard not to believe when reality was staring you in the face with cat’s eyes, a wisp of blue hair, and a sharp look.

“How do you think?” Magnus replied, fishing around in his bag for an apple. “‘We must not look at goblin men, we must not buy their fruits, who knows upon what soil they fed, their hungry thirsty roots.’ That’s how it went...I think. It’s been a while since I’ve read it. Books aren’t exactly easy to come by out here.” He took a bite and held the rest out towards the kelpie.

“I’m sorry, that was a stupid question.” Alec knew which poem Magnus was referencing. He had run across the poem during his research but he’d passed it over as nothing more than a cautionary tale for children. Maybe he should have paid more attention.

“It’s fine, I’m used to it...and you didn’t know any better. How many dashing half-goblins have you ever met in your life?” Magnus winked and Alec felt a blush rise across his face.

“You’d be the first.”

“And what are you doing out in the middle of the woods looking for goblins, my lord? Aren’t you humans warned of the dangers you could find? I’m pretty sure that poem specifically mentioned all the terrible things that could happen to a fair maiden.”

Alec snorted, and continued to rub his hand down the kelpie’s nose. “Well, for one I’m not a fair maiden, nor am I a lord actually, and to answer your question: I was hoping to hunt down a lead on the illness that’s currently plaguing the village.”

“And you think the goblins are to blame?” Magnus’ voice had been playful before, but now his words took a cutting tone.

“No, of course not,” Alec replied hastily, holding up his hands in surrender. “We’ve co-existed, sort of, for a while now. As far as I know, nothing has changed in that regard. I’m just…” he sighed and glanced back towards the direction he knew his parents’ house to be. “I’m hoping for answers, I’m willing to try anything at this point. They’ve called physicians from the city, a psychic or two, a hedge witch...the people who have fallen ill are good people. They don’t deserve what’s befallen them. I found a book in our collection last night. It’s got some herbs in it...so I made a list. I’m no expert but it can’t hurt to try.”

He chose to leave out that some of those people were only mostly good — his father certainly wasn’t the best man, but there was no reason Magnus needed to know that. Not yet.

“I haven’t heard of a disease in the village, but I wouldn’t go looking towards the goblins for a cure. They aren’t the most helpful of people — they’re more liable to cause you harm than anything close to help.” Magnus tapped his finger against his chin in thought. “An illness you say? You humans are susceptible to so many things. There was a plague about a hundred years ago if I recall. What makes you think it isn’t something like that?”

“Well, for one thing no one has actually died,” Alec replied as Magnus circled him slowly, feeling every bit like a deer cornered by a leopard. “It starts with a fever. Eventually, confusion. Finally, they fall into a deep sleep. And…” His voice trailed off. That did make it seem like a normal illness but Alec knew there was more.

“And?” Magnus had stopped circling him to lean against the tree with his arms crossed.

“Their skin gets hard. It feels almost like stone? I know that probably sounds stupid. I just don’t know how else to explain it.”

“It’s not stupid at all,” the half-goblin replied. “Magical illnesses can have all sorts of weird side effects. A friend of mine once turned prickly.” There was a pause as he looked Alec over once more.“You said you had a list?” Magnus asked finally, pulling on a purple tailcoat that had been discarded haphazardly behind the tree. “Can I see?”

Alec pulled it out of his bag and handed it over to him. “You’d help me find these? You think this might be caused by magic?”

“Magic, a curse, anything is possible but if you’ve tried as many cures as you say you have then it’s probably safe to assume that it’s something your people haven’t seen before. Ergo, magic.” Magnus read over the piece of parchment with a frown. “Some of them are out of season and others aren’t in this part of the woods but I can show you where to find the majority.” He glanced around before a smile crossed his face that had Alec’s heart flipping. The half-goblin bent down and plucked a small purple and yellow flower from the ground in front of Alec. “Heartsease. Kiss-Me-Quick. Banewort...also known as a wild pansy. It’s good for skin conditions and colds. I believe that’s on your list.”

Alec felt a blush rise in his cheeks as he took the flower. Why on earth was being handed a single flower by a strange (but beautiful) man he just met affecting him this way? “Thanks,” he managed to stammer after a moment. He gently wrapped the flower in a cloth and placed it in his bag.

Magnus’ eyes twinkled as he grabbed a lock of the kelpie’s mane and hoisted himself on it’s back. “I saw some Meadowsweet earlier this morning. It isn’t far and I wouldn’t mind collecting some myself. It’s good for pain.” He glanced back at Alec with a raised eyebrow. “Are you coming?”

Alec had never mounted a horse faster in his life.

----------

“Do you even know what you plan on doing with these?” Magnus asked as they wove their way through a dense and varied forest.

“The book had some suggestions,” Alec started, frowning as they passed by a group of trees with large, bell-shaped yellow flowers. “Though I’m by no means an expert. I went to school for architecture, not herbalism.” He pulled his horse to a halt and reached out to touch one of the flowers that was now hanging eye-level with him. “I’m sorry — is this Angel’s trumpet? I thought it only grew in the tropics.”

Magnus laughed. “Or Devil’s trumpet, depending on who you ask, and I wouldn’t mess with it. It’s not exactly safe. Well, it’s not necessarily poisonous to touch but I still wouldn’t mess with it. It's hallucinogenic, among other things...and I don't think a bad trip was really what you had in mind when you came out here today.”

“And how’s it growing in the middle of Edom Forest? If it’s that dangerous I would feel much better if it grew far, far away where the weather is much more suited to it?” He nudged Flame until he was level with the kelpie.

Magnus merely laughed. “That’s the beauty of magic, my dear Alexander. There’s no rhyme nor reason to it. Anything can happen.” He raised his hand as blue sparks danced around his fingertips. “Haven’t you ever noticed that it never snows in the woods? You’ll have three feet out there and yet, not a flake falls here. It’s warm and sunny year round.”

As he said that, Alec realized that he hadn't noticed. He’d never paid much attention to the woods since they were forbidden to go there, but it wouldn’t take a genius to see that the weather was entirely different a few feet away.

“Don’t look too distressed,” Magnus chuckled upon seeing the face that Alec was making. “There’s all sorts of spells and old magic around. Spells that grew into the very trees, wards set by goblins past and re-set by goblins present...other magical creatures whose very existence spells safety to those who live around them. You wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t been purposefully trying to look through the magic. The Look-Not spells surrounding the woods are strong.”

Wait, Alec thought as he kicked his horse into a trot to catch up with Magnus and the kelpie. “What other magical creatures? I thought it was just the goblins that lived in the woods? Well, I guess the goblins and the half-goblins.”

“It may have started with the goblins but it certainly didn’t end with them.” Magnus stopped a moment later, sliding off the back of his horse to kneel in front of a grassy plant with yellow flowers. “Toadflax. This was on your list as well, I believe. It’s good for treating rashes and the like. You make it into a compress using milk. I hope the specifics are in your book. This is more my friend’s area of expertise than mine.” He handed the flower to Alec who wrapped it gently in more white cloth and placed it in his bag.

“What’s your area of expertise then? And you still haven’t answered my question. What other creatures?”

“My area of expertise is magic itself, of course. I’m uniquely qualified to be good at magic,” Magnus replied as butterflies made of blue energy danced around them.

“And what makes you qualified?” Alec asked, crossing his arms. “Are all goblins this cryptic?”

Magnus laughed, “I’m not being cryptic, I’m being coy...and I can’t tell you all my secrets on the first date — no matter how pretty you are.”

Alec huffed as another blush rose on his cheeks. “This isn’t a date...but fine, how about you elaborate on the other magical creatures thing then? I don’t like finding out that everything I’ve ever known about a place is false.”

The goblin studied him for a moment before he nodded. “Very well. Once we put the spells and the wards up to stop the needless death that was happening at the time, humans were driven to stay away. It was the only thing that we could do to keep ourselves safe without being driven out of our home. Because we were now safe from humans, the other creatures that were hunted for merely being creatures of magic began to take refuge here as well.”

Magnus chose not to mount back up so Alec slid from his horse’s back as well. They walked in silence for a moment before the half-goblin turned around. “Actually, it’s quite curious that you got through. You should have wanted to turn tail as soon as you got too close.”

“I was uncomfortable,” Alec said after a moment, recalling the sense of dread that had washed over him before he’d guided his horse off the path. “But I’d do anything to help my family...even if that means taking a risk I’m not necessarily meant to take.”

Magnus had stopped again, this time in front of a fluffy, white, flowering weed. “The promised Meadowsweet. It’s typically made into a tea or an elixir. Pick your poison. Well, not poison but I’m sure you catch my meaning.”

Alec collected a few of the flowers as Magnus did the same. “I’m not sure that tea is going to do much good when the patients are unconscious.”

“You’ll have to try one thing at a time. Maybe treat the symptoms first until you have a better idea of the root cause...perhaps you’ll get lucky and by treating one you’ll learn more about another. Medicine, like magic, is a lot of trial and error.”

“Well, I’m certainly willing to try,” Alec said after a moment. He threw his bag over his horse’s withers and pulled himself into the saddle once more. “I seem to be the only one left willing to try. Everyone else seems to have given up. They’re getting ready to petition the king for some kind of miracle.”

Magnus hummed as he pulled himself onto the back of his own horse. “Well then, I suppose we better find a few more for you to try. It sounds like you don’t have any time to lose.”

Alec followed the half-goblin dutifully all afternoon, trying to remember each and every instruction he was given as he was handed plant after plant. Finally, the sun began to duck behind the treetops and Alec grimaced. “I best be getting back. If I don’t return before dark, my brother will send a search party. Trust me, we don’t want the kind of mess he tends to bring with him.”

“Fair enough,” Magnus replied with a smile. “I figured that would be the case. Your trail awaits, my lord.” He swept his arms towards the dirt path that Alec had taken when he’d first entered the woods this morning. He hadn’t even realized that they had circled back.

“Thank you for all your help today. I’m not certain I could have found any of these without you.” He probably wouldn’t have even managed to find one if Magnus hadn’t helped.

“It was no trouble at all — definitely an interesting way to spend an afternoon. The sight sure didn’t hurt either.” Alec blushed and Magnus plucked a single blue flower with a yellow star center off the ground and held it out to him.

“What’s this one supposed to do?” Alec asked as he took the flower and twirled it gently in his fingers.

“Absolutely nothing. I just think it’s pretty. Good luck playing doctor, Alexander.” With that, he turned his horse and trotted back into the woods, leaving Alec standing in the trail alone.

----------

My Dearest Cabbage,

I’ll preface this by saying that yes, I do know exactly what you’re going to say after reading my letter so I will save you the hassle of a fire message in response.

Yes, what I did was incredibly stupid and reckless. Trust me, I’m well aware but you know how I do so love a good enigma.

It seems some sort of mysterious and possibly magical illness is plaguing the citizens of Idris. They’ve apparently tried all sorts of methods to heal their sick to no avail.

No, I haven’t been taking a risky trip into the city. Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson there. One of their people somehow managed to get through the protections and spells in the forest and came looking for plants that could potentially be used to treat the disease.

I have my doubts that any will work for him, but I sent him home with some regardless.

Could our wards be fading? No mere human should be able to pass over the border. We should meet sometime soon to check that the spells still hold strong. They are all that are standing between us and the people of Idris.

I’ll keep you advised if I receive any more information.

Delightfully yours,

M.B.

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi Volume 6 Chapter 5 - The Tanuki's Marriage

T/N: Hey y'all, here's Chapter 5. I didn't notice at first that the sentences in the original text were separated into paragraphs and stuff so I am putting that stuff here today lol Oh well, hope you all still enjoy. Also you can try the recipes but at your own risk, I am not liable for any mishaps for following these recipes lol

Also if you like this translation, you can heart it, share the link, reblog, I just respectfully ask that DO NOT REPOST ELSEWHERE. This is my contribution to the scant English content of this fandom, and I worked really hard to finish this thing, it’s not like I just copy-pasted everything. I even had to build the kanji in Jisho one by one. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.

You can rave about this, rant about this, reblog, like, reply, but if possible please link back to this page. If you’re unsure how to do that, just copy the web address of this page. If you’re on a blogsite just insert the web address as a hyperlink as a link back to here. Honestly if this light novel was officially-published in English, I wouldn’t even be doing this right now... And if it did, I’d take this offline to support the publishers and Yuuma-sensei. Creators support creators, is what I believe in. I’ll prolly do 1-5 once 6-10 has been done, or however long I can manage to translate the raw texts, it can take a toll at times.  As previously-mentioned in earlier chapters, if you stumbled upon this one, the two seasons of the anime covered volumes 1-5, so other than the extra details, you didn’t miss much stuff. Here’s chapter 5 now

P162 That is, the morning of the inn being closed for the day. Today in Yugao, is the debut appearance of the Kiseki beef shank made into beef stew. Since yesterday the meat has been soaked in red wine, and the ingredients for making Demi-glace sauce has been prepared. Because I have some ketchup and Worcestershire sauce that I prepared myself, I could successfully make Demi-glace sauce. Alas, Ginji-san handed over to me, with so much regret, his treasured but also very important red wine... "When we were given Kiseki beef, I decided that I wanted to make beef stew." Orio-ya is so generous, they gifted us so much with all cuts of the Kiseki beef. We couldn't eat all of these in one gulp so for sure it's all going to get refrigerated but, I was thinking that the beef shank is absolutely going to be made into beef stew.** I immediately pulled out the shanks soaked in red wine, and sauted them in the frying pan. After searing both sides, I added the red wine marinade with bay leaves and boiled them down. Ah, it's been a long while since Kakuriyo has been this peaceful, the fruity fragrance of the red wine... T/N: Yeah the tastiest part of any meat is the one that gets the most exercise and the nearest to the bones, but seriously, give it a chance to soften and it just has so much flavor. Just like the limbs of fowl, or pigs, the limbs just have so much flavor and collagen lol dang it no I can't be hungry now T_T Also marinating in red wine with bay leaf is a legit way to add flavor to red meat, if you're a meat eater you can try this. or if you want to kick it up a notch, use balsamic vinegar, either way it helps soften the tough meat parts. Of course, I can't guarantee if you'll like it, but I tried this once, it mellowed the beef taste and the annoying stench of the meat. But hey that's just my two cents lol try at your own risk P163 While the meat was boiling down in the red wine, I started cutting the vegetables that I'll add in the stew. White onions, garlic, and I added a lot of the seasonally-apt shimeji mushrooms. I sauted all of these in a pot, and added the boiled-down meat with the red wine and bay leaf marinade, and added more water before simmering these in a low fire. Slowly but surely, slowly but surely. It seems that it will be done boiling after an hour or so. "After this, hamburger. I will make a sauce for the hamburger." Not only beef stew, but I'm also deciding on cozying up today's menu with hamburger. I want to use the Kiseki beef in succession, and with the especially-made Demi-glace sauce I was also thinking that I want to serve Western-style hamburger here in Yugao. I promptly made a sauce for the ground Kiseki beef hamburger patty. A beef-only burger patty** without onions. Binders would be panko and cow's milk, sprinkled with salt and pepper and then mixed altogether, shaped into small flattened circles, and I have made the hamburger's shape. Yeah, this is 100% branded beef, a beef-only hamburger is somehow extravagant... With the ingredients that I normally have, the supply is always made affordable, and I want to serve a lot of Western-style food for the Ayakashi. "Aoi! This is terrible, terrible!" This time, it was O-ryo who flew inside Yugao. Normally it was Kasuga who does this. Why O-ryo? T/N: So historically, Japanese people didn't normally eat meat since it's an expensive product, and beef is the most expensive of all. Their burgers are normally beef and pork, or pork and chicken, mostly mixed meat so it won't be too expensive. I actually tried curry-flavored beef and pork deep-fried burger patty, it was actually good and crunchy. hwah... P164 I think she may be hungry, but it doesn't seem to be the case. O-ryo's face has gotten pale. "Kasuga, Kasuga is going to quit Tenjin-ya!" If she was extremely panicking, it's because of the sudden announcement. I couldn't understand where it all began, and I just blinked my eyes a lot. The simmering noise of the boiling pot echoes all around... "Wh.. What do you mean by that?" "That's the point! Really, Kasuga is going to quit? She’s gonna quit being a waitress, she's gonna leave?" "Wh..." Why? Before the inn's closing break, we ate amberjack shabu-shabu in our girls' night-out, we had fun while putting things together in the pot as we were chatting. "Kasuga.. Kasuga, she has decided to get married!" "Marriage, Kasuga, that Kasuga, who's she going to get married to?" "That girl, until now she hasn't told her personal history, but in reality she's unbelievably, an Ojou-sama!**" Speaking of the Ojou-sama that I met in Orio-ya, I remembered Yodoko Ojou-sama, I wonder if she's also an Ojou-sama from a rich family? T/N: Ojou-sama=お嬢様=a young girl or a daughter of a noble or a pampered upbringing. Yeah, I know right, even I was shocked. Oh well, we need a plot twist here lol And you think she's just a follower, but apparently Kasuga's got nobility in her blood. Ma, ma, maiya gwahahaha oh well who would’ve thought right? P165 "Kasuga, Kasuga is... The Emperial Court's Minister of the Right**, The Great Tanuki, Lord Ieyasu's youngest daughter!" "Whaaaat?!" Ehrm... My reaction was surprise, but it seemed that it was lacking as I had no idea what it meant. Simply put, she was the daughter of an esteemed person in Kakuriyo? O-ryo went "Ahhhhh come here right now!" and dragged me towards the main building. "A- Ai-chan! The pot is cooking, look after it! Mix it if it looks like it's about to get scorched!" "OK Aoi-sama!" Instantly, from inside the pendant Aoi-chan who already has her black-haired ogre-girl look jumped out. Wearing her personal apron, she tended to my precious pot. Immediately we went to the main building, and the excitement of every employee with the topic in question has pumped up. "That girl was somehow, unexpectedly, the Minister of the Right's daughter, wasn't she?" "Why is she a waitress here in Tenjin-ya?" I could only hear the hushed and surprised voices of the Ayakashi. "Oh well, anybody would be surprised. It's no match, the Minister of the Right's position is like a Hachiyo, an esteemed person. I had no idea and I pushed around and scolded Kasuga. I might get punished after this..." It wasn't only O-ryo who was worring about this. Even Akatsuki in the front desk, he also remembered, and for sure couldn't calm himself down as cold sweat T/N: It's like a left and right wing something, like two opposing factions in the government. Heh, too much political stuff, I don't even wanna touch that. Major spoiler alert: Our old pal Raijuu is a leftist. Ouch. P166 flows down his face. "Oh, I see." I was thinking of asking Kasuga's relative the Gesokuban Chiaki-san, but he wasn't in the lobby. The Gesokuban were in charge of the straw slippers and geta sandals of the guests, and their work is like bellboys that bring the luggage into the rooms, I often catch a sight of them before business hours. I have seen him call in a row the ogre kids who do a lot of different kinds of chores, and make a roll-call on them... "Say, Akatsuki, where's Chiaki-san?" "Ah.... Chiaki-san is with Kasuga in Odanna-sama's office. In relation to that, Chiaki-san is the Minister of the Right's younger brother.. If he was esteemed, I should have been more respectful to him..." Mortified at being too late now, Akatsuki had a distant look. Confirming about Kasuga and Chiaki-san's positions, they were from the North-west's Hachiyo, the Bunmon Tanuki. Kakuriyo's biggest and most difficult school to get into, "Bunmon Imperial University" is where the Hachiyo, who is also the University Director resides, and it seems that Chiaki-san is the son, and in turn Kasuga is the granddaughter. Incidentally, Chiaki-san's brother is Kasuga's father, which O-ryo and Akatsuki previously-mentioned has the position of the Minister of the Right in Kakuriyo. Talking about the North-western Lands, it is a college town, they have a prestigious university and large hospital institution, a research facility and a huge library, they have talented scholars and doctors, they have a lot of graduates that become government officials, it didn't engage in trade and commerce but the Hachiyo has great political powers, P167 it's a particularly unique place. But if that's the case, why were Chiaki-san and Kasuga working at Tenjin-ya? Also, why did she decide to quit working in Tenjin-ya now? "I'm.. Going to Odanna-sama's place." "Wait, Aoi, I'll go too!" O-ryo and I hurriedly left the front desk and climbed up the central staircase. "Hey, you two! Don't you dare disturb Odanna-sama... Oh well, I guess I'll go too" In the end, Akatsuki came with us too. The three of us went to the topmost floor where Odanna-sama's office was.

"Oh..." Outside the room, Ginji-san the Wakadanna-sama was standing with his arms crossed. When he saw us, he looked like he's saying "So, you've come?". "It's useless, guys, it's not work-related." "But... Ginji-san..." "I understand how you feel but... Hey!" I wasn't listening to anything that Ginji-san was saying, and we all placed our ears in the gap between the sliding doors, and eavesdropped P168 on the conversations inside. "Truly, your mind cannot be changed, Kasuga?" "... yes. I will quit Tenjin-ya, and I intend to marry into, the head of Hyourijou Castle in the Northern Lands." In such situations Odanna-sama's voice had always been calm and collected, even now when Kasuga has already reached a point where her mind cannot be entirely changed. "Chiaki, do you think that it's a good idea?" "...yes, Odanna-sama. With the marriage of the two, the instability of the Northern Lands, our North-western Lands can prove it and help hold the issues at bay. In addition to that, the chaotic Northern Lands can find a bit of stability." "...oh, I see." I wanted to hear more of Chiaki-san and Odanna-sama's conversations, but O-ryo suddenly raised her voice hysterically and shouted "Did she say Hyourijou Castle?!" "Hey O-ryo, shut up!" "But.. it's the head of the Hyourijou Castle of the Northern Lands!" "O-ryo be quiet!" Me and Akatsuki and O-ryo were suppressing our voices, when suddenly the sliding door opened with a rattle, and the three of us, like dangos, fell inside the room. "You lot..." P169 "O, Odanna-sama" Odanna-sama stared down at us with his astonished, red eyes. We tried to dodge it in any way, and the three of us just ended up wearing lop-sided smiles. "Aoi-chan, O-ryo sama, Bantou-sama" "Haha... So everyone eventually came, didn't they?" Even at Kasuga and Chiaki-san, the three of us smiled crooked smiles at them. "Say Kasuga, is it true that you're getting married to the head of Hyourijou Castle?" "O-ryo sama... Yep, that's the plan." "Even so! That head's an extremely old and senile, bedridden old man! You, are you going to get married to a senile old man who's about to die?!" O-ryo was very well-informed. Well, she did came from the Northern Lands. That's why her face was full of bewilderment. "It's not like that, O-ryo. The Hachiyo of the Northern Lands has finally been replaced." "...really?" "In the Northern Lands, the Great Old Sage who has been the Hachiyo for a very long time has retired. The next Hachiyo who took the position was the Old Sage's youngest grandchild, the Young Master of the Hyoujin** Tribe. Kasuga's marriage, is to that Young Master, Lord Kiyo." "..."

T/N: Hyoujin Clan- directly translates to Ice people Clan. Something. I did say previously in my earlier translations that direct translations will be minimized. Also if you’re interested on what Kiyo looks like, I’ll prolly post a photo here, he’s depicted in vol 8′s cover. Oh gawd, that’s a long way off but don’t worry fams we’ll get there somehow P170 It's impossible for me to know who that is, O-ryo who's acquainted with the dealings in the Northern Lands just looked puzzled, and Akatsuki just went blank. Behind us, was Ginji-san who, one way or another was the only one who looked like he had a full grasp of the situation. "Uhm, I...." Suddenly, Kasuga stood up, and only went to the entryway where the three of us were still lying down, and went in front of us. When I looked at her face she seemed like an adult, and in an instant, the cheerful and innocent Kasuga that I knew had gone off elsewhere, and I felt a painful sense of loss. Could it be that Kasuga, with regards to her engagement, in her heart she truly doesn't despise it? But from my point of view, I have no choice but to accept it. "When I saw these people's faces, somehow I felt hungry. Odanna-sama, what is good to eat on mornings like these?" "...Kasuga" Were we worrying that much, to that extent? Everyone understood that, and while we were in the middle of not saying anything, Odanna-sama wordlessly stared at me. I easily understood him without him saying anything. "Ka...Kasuga! If you want, let's go to Yugao. I'll give you something I made. For today, I made something called beef stew. I really want you to try it!" P171 "Beef stew?" "Yeah! I'll also give you hamburger steak that I cooked with it. It's like when Kasuga was in her Tanuki form, it's brown-colored cooked food. It's delicious--!" "..." Amidst the confusion they only got perplexed, and didn't even seem to hear that it was delicious. Everyone's faces only spelled "What is she even saying?". But the beef stew, it's definitely delicious!

I dragged Kasuga to Yugao. Before business hours, everyone else went back to their work posts, and it seems that I'll be taking care of her hunger. When we got to Yugao, Ai-chan has diligently looked after the pot for me. "Thank you, Ai-chan, you did a great job--" "OK--- I wanna eat something swee--t!" "As your reward, I'll give you some test-trial manjuu. Ah, that manjuu's a secret. We haven't given that to anyone yet." P172 "Yaaay!" Ai-chan with her manjuu, and her cup of milk, immediately sat on a chair and took her break. Now then. The time for the beef stew's ingredients to boil down has been sufficient. To this I'll put in some parboiled potatoes, and add more Demi-glace sauce, and add some seasonings while I mix it from time to time. Kasuga sat on the counter, and lazily propped her chin with her hands. "Kasuga, just wait for a little bit. The beef stew still needs to be boiled down some more. While it's doing that, I'll make you a little something to eat, OK? Have you eaten an avocado?" "...Avocado? I've seen one in an illustrated encyclopedia, but I haven't eaten one." "Hee hee. It's something like the ones in Utsushiyo, but in Kakuriyo, the Southern Lands where there's plently of heat they have started to grow it and other similar vegetables too. You might be surprised when you first try it, but once you get used to eating it you'll get hooked. It's because avocado is called 'the butter of the fields'." Butter isn't really something special in Kakuriyo, so she might not understand anything. But Kasuga's interest seemed to be deep, and her eyes got round with wonder. While the stew was boiling down, I went ahead to make something. Avocado and persimmon, the sweetness is entirely Japanese. P173 Firstly, the in-season persimmon's skin was peeled off, and the flesh cut into cubes. The avocado was also cut from the sides, the two halves were rotated on the round seed's axis, and between the half with no seed and the half that has the seed attached to it, the one without the seed was used. Doing that was quite fun. The lovely light green flesh of the fruit appeared. I quickly scraped the flesh off, and also cut those into cubes. Along with the persimmon cubes I cut a while ago, I served all of these in a glass bowl, and in true Japanese fashion mixed these altogether with a citrus dressing. Alright, it's nicely done. I served this with a spoon and placed it in front of Kasuga. "OK Kasuga, this is Japanese-style avocado and persimmon. Please try it." "Wah, it's pretty. Green and orange. I really love persimmon too, so I'm going to eat it now--" Instantly, Kasuga's face naturally fell into a smile. Holding a spoon, she took a huge bite, and tried the avocado that she was deeply interested in. "Wow, this is amazing. Feeling the avocado's texture for the first time, it's a fun and soft food, isn't it?" After this, she bit into the avocado and the persimmon at the same time. "Its seasoning, the persimmon's sweetness, its taste is really like a side-dish for rice." "Is that so? The persimmon's sweetness and the avocado's mellow texture and taste suit it well, and if it's just the persimmon it's going to be too sweet. The citrus fruit juice, along with toasted sesame seeds and soy sauce dressing give it a Japanese flavor and taste." P174 While Kasuga was eating a lot of the side dish, I took out the hamburger patties that I made that morning, and I pan-fried those in a shallow pot. When the surface looked brown enough, I poured in about two to three ladles of the beef stew, and simmered this for five minutes. And again, in a smaller frying pan I made a runny sunny side-up egg... "Kasuga, between white rice and bread, which one would you like? Beef stew goes well with either one..." "Hmmm.. Definitely it's rice." "OK, I get it. Even I too, like Western food with white rice, it's good enough." Along with the hamburger patty, I have asked Ai-chan to heat and cook some simple stir-fried foods and serve them in dishes, such as this beef stew. Par-boiled broccoli were also added as a fluffy touch. I added some cream and swirled it around with a spoon, and lastly I topped the hamburger with the runny sunny side-up egg. The white rice was also shaped into a sphere, and plopped it over a plate, like Western style. I placed all of those on a festive four-legged tray, and brought it to Kasuga's seat. "Alright. Tea house style, moon-viewing beef stew hamburger steak is served--" "Wooow. That really smells good. A while ago, the wafting smell made my stomach growl. There's also a fried egg on it-- And tonight's also a full moon, isn't it? It really looks like the Full Moon's spherical form." "Hee hee. Since it's already autumn, in Utsushiyo it's a time where anything with fried egg is "something for full moon viewing" and it's always added in a set meal." P175 In the food industry, a hamburger steak with a fried egg is called a moon-viewing burger, among others. When adding a runny fried egg, it always make it seem even more delicious, it's a mysterious and puzzling force. "And it's really a tanuki-colored cuisine, it is." "It's a fact that tanuki-colored cuisine is the model of deliciousness. If I could, I'll eat it for lunch.” If it was me, I would eat the beef stew with left-over toasted bread crusts on the side. Yep, it's enough to fill the stomach. I pried apart the meat with a spoon, and it crumbled off. I took a bite of that beef stew. Oooohh, the meat! The meat!! It's soft and moist, there's no stench, the thick and rich Demi-glace sauce really ties everything together. This is really over-the top extravagance! "Wow, wooow! What is this, this is soooo good Aoi-chan! The runny egg yolk, the hamburger and the stew eaten altogether, it's already the best. So many flavors all packed in one bite" Having one bite of the whole thing, the corners of Kasuga's mouth stretched wide, and her Tanuki ears went plip-plopping a lot. This time she bit into everything, including the large carrot chunks and  the shimeji mushrooms. "Hmm... crumbly---" P176 Cooking food with Kakuriyo's state of the art Youkai-fire platter and spiritually-powered pot allows the fire to pass through the vegetables' core, the sweetness and deliciousness of the vegetables get trapped inside, and is suitable for cooking stews. "Aoi-chan you've already given me hamburgers before, but this is the first time that I've eaten beef stew. For me, I really enjoy foods like these. It's because foods like these have a rich taste and depth. I have read about these in a book, but I couldn't imagine how these would have tasted like." "Kasuga, you've read something about beef stew from a book?" "Yep, the library in the Land of Bunmon had so many books. There's also a book on the history of Utsushiyo's culture. It was a book that was about Western cuisines, when we. Were. Young. We had so much fun having wild imaginative ideas. Since I was a child, I was raised surrounded by so many books.” "..." We? Kasuga ate some more hamburger, and slurped in some more beef stew. After this she ate more white rice, and took in some beef stew again. All of the flavors blend well together in one bite, "Ah, it tastes good--", it makes the body weak. Seeing Kasuga's satisfied and fluffy face, I was delighted. While I was eating nearby, I initiated by saying that "The stew also tastes good with bread", and started eating as such. P177 In my case the umami envelops the bread, there's a resounding crunch, this has become a devilish food. Together, the bread crust that's always looked over, it has become an illusionary steak. "Phew, my stomach's all full!" After all that, our luxurious lunch has ended. Who would have thought that before business hours, we're already full and satiated? But for sure, without a doubt our strengths came back because of the food. "I'm glad that my stomach's gotten full. When you said that you were hungry, it was a surprise. Everyone was shocked. Back there when Kasuga said it out loud, it was of a large extent." "Ahaha. Well it was an important conversation with Odanna-sama, and I was already hungry for a while, it was because of Aoi-chan." "What are you saying? When I saw you, you didn't particularly appear to be hungry when you were talking with Odanna-sama." Uhm, yeah, that was a lie. "After that, just when it was about to get really serious, Odanna-sama pushed me to appear as "The I-wanted-to-help" person. "Really, Odanna-sama somehow made you do that? He's always dignified and composed, he doesn't give me that impression. In front of Aoi-chan, he's expected to be different." "Ah, when you see him that way, his movements are considerably mysterious." "Odanna-sama, he's really wrapped in mystery, isn't he?" P178 Kasuga and I, when talking about Odanna-sama, I realized that the meanings of "mysterious", were quite different. I recalled what my situation was, but after learning about Kasuga's circumstance the clarity has slowly gotten dimmer. "Say, Aoi-chan, are you going to get married to Odanna-sama?" She deliberately asked that question. I normally handle such questions lightly, but with Kasuga this time, it's a heavy-handed question. Her situation and mine's, they're a bit similar. "I'm not going to get married. I still have Yugao to tend to right now." Saying that, somewhat I couldn't understand why my body, in my chest, I felt so much discomfort. What the heck is this. "But Aoi-chan, you don't dislike Odanna-sama anymore?" "Well, uhm, hearing you say "dislike', it's not the answer anymore but.." "If that's the case, you like him now?" "Uhm, that is..." My eyes started swimming. Kasuga was determined to get into my head, and she looked at me quietly. "It sure doesn't seem to be that way. But I, do not know anything about Odanna-sama." That was more or less my refusal. Not really, I do know something about Odanna-sama. Contrary to what he looks like, he's a mischievous prankster, P179 and he's unsophisticatedly kind, when I see him make his moves, his strong drive leaves me wondering why... he has supported me in very important times, he's also become trustworthy, I've learned a lot being with him. And yet, I still don't know a lot about him. Odanna-sama's inner self that he holds dearly inside, I mostly don't know about it. I don't know anything about that, and he doesn't easily say anything about what he likes. Like myself for example, if I told someone that I knew nothing about "I like you", I still think that despite doing that, I still know nothing about them. "That is why, I would want to get to know more about Odanna-sama... But he's not telling me anything." "...Hmph" While Kasuga was grinning at me, I was drenched in cold sweat. What the heck, I feel like I wanted to run away... "Hee hee, that's good, Aoi-chan. It's very unnatural of you, but with time, as expected, you bestowed a great deal to Odanna-sama." ".. Kasuga?" Kasuga looked up at Yugao's celiing. Those eyes, they seem hollow somehow. "Kasuga, Kasuga getting married, you really don't dislike it?" I placed my hands on Kasuga's shoulders, and asked her earnestly. P180 It seemed that Kasuga has already been resolute of her marriage, and I wanted to ask what her true intent was. "Marriage to the Hachiyo of the Northern Lands. That is not a politically-motivated marriage." Kasuga continued to stare up at the ceiling, I only saw her flit her gaze to me once. Between those brown-colored bangs I could only see her eyes, she doesn't appear to be a mere waitress at all. Over there, she's already sharing the burden with the North-western's Hachiyo, being the daughter of Kakuriyo's Minister of the Right. A holder of many positions and degrees and ranks, but nevertheless a single Tanuki girl. "A politically-motivated marriage cannot be helped. If I do it by myself, so many risks and significances can arise. Bunmon Tanuki, are scheming creatures. Because Tanuki are extremely weak, it's the only way to live this long." Kasuga pointed to her head and suppressed a laugh. "The Hachiyo of the 'Land of Bunmon' is the Institutional Director Baba-sama**, and in each land the Tanuki under her command are sent out to gather and collect information and intel. Wherever you go and whichever way how, the Land of Bunmon will never be at a disadvantage. For example, my dad. He steadily accumulated power and influence in the Imperial Court, and eventually became the Minister of the Right. And then there's Tenjin-ya's Chiaki. That is my father's younger brother, he may be my uncle but when he was employed back there, he was an outstanding investigator. Odanna-sama likely knows the Tanuki's circumstances, and he must have deliberately hired Chiaki, I think." "... uhm.. Tanuki's circumstances?" "And now, I am going towards the Northern Lands. How I'll do that, I only have my T/N: Baba-sama, basically Kasuga's granny is the Hachiyo as well as the Institutional Director aka the President of the Imperial University in Bunmon. I am still wrapping my head around this. Honestly I am still confused and doubtful as to why I am even translating this sh** when I'm still actually learning Nihongo honestly I hope my translation even make sense to you all srsly I have no idea what I'm doing lol but rly send help pls T_T P181 intent to do so and nothing else. With that, gradually, bit by bit, leaping into the innermost parts of each land, the steadily increasing influence of us Bunmon Tanuki have been exposed. .. And that, is the way of the Bunmon Tanuki.** "..." That was an incredible story. Also, it's a really frightening tale. But with that reasoning and explanation of the circumstances, I am just as clueless as before. I wonder if Kasuga is fine with that. "Kasuga, have you fully grasped what marriage is? It seems that your fate was to be born under a Hachiyo's household but selecting your marriage partner, can you be honest with that?" "...Aoi-chan?" "I am, in a way worried and troubled about Kasuga and what could happen. Is it possible, that, if Kasuga is being forced to get married, then I..." For me, that has always been the case. But Kasuga hid her face in her sleeve and stiffled a laugh. "Aoi-chan. Everyone's like Aoi-chan, but I'm a girl who does not go against my destiny." ".. what?" Kasuga's speech, her explanations allowed her thoughts to pass through, and in some way she sounds like an earnest adult. With that gaze, and voice, and words. T/N: LOL I wanted to translate this part as "And that, is how the Bunmon Tanuki do." Srsly it's the direct transliteration of the original text lol if you understood the reference, Hi-five y'all P182 "I think Aoi-chan guessed that wrong. I didn't say that I was reluctant to get married. Rather, I was only anticipating it. Kiyo, is not someone that I didn't know." Kiyo. For sure, that's the name of the new Hachiyo of the Northern Lands. "Kasuga, you know the person you're going to get married to?" "Yep, I know him well. Because he's my childhood friend." "Childhood friend?!" "The last time that we met, I was still a small Tanuki. That being said, he's my first love." "Whaaaat?" Kasuga placed her index finger onto her lips and said "It's a secret". That was a shocking revelation. Surely, she did say something about her first love when we had the girls' night-out. "That's amazing, Kasuga. You're going to get married to your first love." ".. hee hee. Well, somehow he might not like me..." Kasuga's foolish demeanor, is a bit self-deprecating. But soon after that, a shadow fell over her facial expression. "I did have worries, it was a painful thought...That I didn't not want to get married**. When I leave Tenjin-ya, I'll be very very sad." Until now her calm voice has been OK, but her voice has started to shake a bit. With a face that's almost into tears, Kasuga broke into a smile. Her expression, it's easy to see that she's trying to hide her flurry of emotions, T/N: I told you guys, there's inception raised to the nth power with the double triple quadruple negatives srsly I can't even rn O_o P183 but I was emotionally welling up with what I truly feel inside. I see. Kasuga wasn't against her marriage at all. She's surely marrying the Hachiyo of the North. And therefore... she won't be staying at Tenjin-ya any longer. "Thank you, Aoi-chan. You gave me delicious food to eat. Aoi-chan's cooking, not only strengthens the weak body, but also fills an Ayakashi from the inside." "Ka, Kasuga..." "Aoi-chan, you're awesome. You came from an overwhelmingly unfavorable condition, and now this is where you've come. It's by your own strength." "..." "As for me, what will I do? My only plan is getting married to a Hachiyo, I only have myself." Eventually, Kasuga went back to Odanna-sama's office, she has to return and continue their talk. It's Kasuga's courageous attitude. As for me, I couldn't comprehend the entirety of her complicated heart, I could only fill up her hungry stomach and nothing else.

It was in the middle of Yugao's business hours. "What's wrong, Aoi-chan? Your face seems out of it, and you only keep sighing." "Are you sighing because there's not many customers?" P184 "It's not that. But yeah, that too." It was our frequent customers Juujirou-ojisan and Tsubame-obasan, the Ayakashi couple who lives in Gintengai, and for today had their feast of the beef stew topped with fried egg. The two were locals who didn't stay at Tenjin-ya, but goes into the baths and later to Yugao to have their meals, once a week. "Yet I was surprised. It seems that the Hachiyo of the North has been changed. It's in the newspaper extra delivered to Gintengai. The Hachiyo looks extremely young, it's the hot topic among everyone." Juujirou-ojisan slowly pulled the newspaper out, and opened it in front of me. "Ah! Can I look at that for a bit?" "Oops" I hurriedly borrowed and opened Juujirou-ojisan's newspaper that he was reading, and I eagerly looked at the newspaper publication's colored photo. On the picture, wrapped in a pure white kimono, and holding a Buddhist ringed staff made of ice, was an ephemeral-looking young man. "This boy..." As expected, he was still young. With regards to Ayakashi he's probably older than me, but based on what they look like, he looks about 15 years old. It's probably because Ayakashi live very long lives, when one is said to be very young, then the Hachiyo is probably very young indeed. That boy was Kasuga's first love. P185 Also, he is Kasuga's prospective husband. He's.. He's a handsome youth... "Would it be alright if that boy becomes the Hachiyo? Kiyo-sama is sickly, it's said that he's practically always in the University Hospital in the Land of Bunmon." "It can't be helped. There aren't any other successors among the clan of Hyoujin, you know." Snow lady, snow man, icicle lady and other generic names were used for the members of the Hyoujin clan's Ayakashi. Among the entire group, O-ryo surely fits in well. But O-ryo looks like an adult, remarkably... The ties of that one clan is so strong, it's peculiar that when one becomes the Northern Land's Hachiyo, they have to come from the pedigree line of the Hyoujin Clan's head, but they couldn't gain the support of the entire populace. "The previous generations of the north were majestic, but the successors were raised to be lazy and always sick and bedridden. It's a good thing that a strife between the foolish heirs erupted, other than the youngest grandson Kiyo-sama, they should all just die." "You're believing those rumors again! I'm sorry Aoi-chan, there has been unsettling stories among our people." Tsubame-obasan slapped the drunk Juujirou-ojisan's behind, and after a bit has left the restaurant. I sent off these regular customers, and finally Yugao's business hours has ended. The newspaper that they left as it was, I worried about it from time to time.

End of Chapter 5, Volume 6. Previous - Intermission 2 Next - Chapter 6

References:

Wonderful site for the youkai references

Other stuff I used to do this: Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Dictionary (you can buy here, I’m not sponsored btw). I was about to buy the older edition but then the newer one came out 2013 so I bought that instead. Worth buying since I was able to find nearly all of the words I needed just by stroke pattern alone.

Merriam-Webster's Japanese-English Dictionary (the red-covered 1996 version is apparently out of print right now). This is what I have been using for a very long time, I bought it when I was still a fetus (yes I am old so what lol), and after so many years, when compared to newer editions, I still prefer this one since its entirety is Japanese-English, the English to Japanese gloss are just 16 pages tops, so you get more Japanese words for your buck. But that’s just my opinion, maybe other people prefer the Jap-En x En-Jap IDEK.

Basic online dictionary, Jisho. Knowledge of verb conjugations  and other words are necessary since not all have entries.

If you can read Japanese, you can buy the whole set in Amazon Japan, they’re shipping worldwide now, I think.

[purplesurveys]

825

All About the Letter E

Please List! (at least one)

Animals I Like: Elephants! And emus, mostly because of the Emu War I had watched a video about recently.

Foods I Like: Eggs. All kinds of them. I also like Eggs Benedict, empanadas, eggplants, eclairs, escargot, and I loooove eel. 

I Know Someone Who’s (jobs): Editor, editorial assistant, editor-in-chief - surprise surprise, I’m a journalism student haha.

I Wouldn’t Mind Visiting: Egypt and Ethiopia. I also want to go back to El Nido in Palawan.

Sometimes I Feel: Excited, enthusiastic, but mostly embarassed.

Music I Listen To: Ed Sheeran, Eraserheads, Ella Fitzgerald.

Movies I’ve Seen: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Eraserhead, Emperor’s New Groove, Evil Dead, The Exorcist, Ex Machina (the first ten minutes of it anyway), Eyes Wide Shut.

Names I Like: Emilia, Emma, Elliott, Ezra, Eden, Elizabeth.

And now, onto the random questions!

Do you believe in equality? Of course. Reeeally big on it too.

Early to bed or early to rise? Mmm, neither honestly. I sleep way too late to the point of it being unhealthy, which means I don’t get up particularly early either.

Are you early or late for appointments? I get to the venue early, then show up exactly on time.

Have you ever had an ear infection? I have not. I imagine that would majorly suck though.

Do you go see an eye doctor? This implies that I do it regularly, so no. I did have to visit one when I still could because my left eye would feel like there was something stuck inside of it and it hurt to blink. The eye drops prescribed to me didn’t really help and would only provide short-term relief, but I never got to go back and have my eye re-checked cause we were under lockdown by then. Occasionally I’d still get spells of being irritated.

How many earrings do you wear? None. I ruined my left ear piercing years ago so I’ve had to stick with clip-ons, but I haven’t worn any in a while because I’ve lost most of them, because I’m terrible at being organized with such tiny things lol.

Do you care about the environment? How do you help the Earth? Yes, I reduce and recycle whenever I can; I’m very particular about segregating my trash; I save on paper by always folding a page in half if I have to fill it up; and as icky as it is I always pick up trash at public places when I see it – I’ve since had Gabie pick up the habit too. How often do you exercise? Do you go to a gym or do it on your own? The only exercise I get is going on short strolls with Kimi. I do it for leisure, not for workout-y purposes. I did have a rigorous PE class last sem where we’d have to do like 50 pushups, 30 pullups, five-minute planks, lifting 80-lb barbells, etc every meeting and it was honestly a lot of fun; but I was never able to maintain the exercises we did once the class ended.

What are your favorite things to eat? Unhealthy things like cheeseburgers and corndogs, ~fancier desserts~ like macarons and eclairs, savory food like ramen and curry, and seafood. My tastes are all over the place, lmao.

Do you know anyone who is pure evil? I know shitty people, but ‘pure evil’ is pushing it.

Do you get along with everyone? Not always because I can be quite vocal and that doesn’t sit well with some people; and it’s usually easy to tell if I don’t like someone even if I act civil. I always try my best to be friendly though.

Do you have a certain routine that you go through every day? Yes. I need my routines otherwise my anxiety will absolutely blow up. Spontaneity is fine with me but not when it comes to this.

Have you ever felt like you’ve lost everything? Yup.

Is there anywhere you’d like to explore? The rest of the world. For the most part, there’s no place I’d say no to going.

Elevators or escalators? Escalators because at least it’s in an open area, and if it breaks down I can just go up or down as if it were stairs.

What do you do in the evening? Dinner, play with Kimi and now Cooper, and I usually take my surveys by evening. Sometimes I’ll make a cup of coffee too.

Have you ever been evaluated for anything before? Yes, both as part of a group and just me, individually.

What’s the worst you’ve ever done on an exam? I got the lowest possible grade that my old school offered once or twice. In college, I once got something like a 40/100 in an economics class HAHAHAH

Are you easily exhausted? No, as long as the weather cooperates. If it were hot and humid I’d be a lot more sluggish.

Do you like visiting exhibits? Depends on the subject. < Same. I wouldn’t go to an exhibit that would get too technical on engineering, for one.

Have you ever felt exiled? I’ve felt that in my home many times.

Have you ever felt like everybody was talking about you? Yeah, but I don’t feel like opening up that can of worms right now since it’s a complicated story lol.

Have you ever entered through an exit sign or exited through an enter sign? I’m sure I have.

How have humans evolved over time? In a lot of ways. We’ve lost some tiny body parts, changed our mindsets on stuff like slavery, changed up our fashion sense, removed and added words from/onto our vocabulary, developed our cuisines, etc. I highly recommend Bill Wurtz’s ‘history of the entire world, i guess’ video haha.

Would you ever consider eloping? No. Not to sound ignorant, but I genuinely mostly don’t know what that entails since it’s not really a part of our culture. One thing’s for sure though, I wanna get married with a bunch of people watching.

If you could erase one mistake from your past, what would it be? I wouldn’t call it a mistake because it was who I am at the time...but I hate the fact that my college experience is forever stained with how much I sulked during my freshman year.

When’s the last time you’ve used email? How about sending something through the mail in an actual envelope? For email, it was like a week ago when I had to reply to a company emailing our org to endorse their internship opportunities. I don’t think I ever sent anything to anyone through mail...? I’ve written handwritten letters, but I personally gave them to the person it was meant for.

Do you dye eggs at Easter time? Nah we only did that once.

Is the glass half empty or half full? Depends on the situation, for me.

Have you ever had elbow macaroni before? Sure! My favorite recipe is Mama Lou’s truffle mac and cheese. Soooooo savory and so, so unfairly good.

Have you ever fractured or dislocated your elbow? Never. That sounds awful. I’ve seen arm wrestling matches go wrong and those were bad enough. Do you know how long an era or an eon is? An era is dependent on events, isn’t it? Like the hippie era, the grunge era, etc. My understanding is that they are socially defined and therefore don’t have a set time period. I believe an eon is an very long but unspecified amount of time. I’m trying to remember this without Googling, so I could be wrong, but those are my interpretations of the words. < There ya go. It’s a little too late in the night for me to be up for defining either in my own words haha.

Do you chew the Extra brand of gum? I don’t think so. I don’t think we have that here.

When was the last time someone showed empathy towards you? Few weeks ago when I was horribly sick and dad willingly took care of me, gave me sponge baths, and listened to every single one of my requests.

Did you have an Elf on the Shelf growing up? No. I’m not sure I know what that is.

Is your bedtime closer to eight or eleven? Eight...AM. :(((

Would you go around the world in eighty days? Nah I’d want to stop in too many places. You can’t see a country in a day. < True. While I was very much in love with my cruise vacation, it also meant that I just had an afternoon to explore as much as I can of South Korea and Japan. And I wish I had more time in both places.

Did you turn eighteen in high school, or afterwards? Shortly afterwards. My graduation was in March, I turned 18 by April.

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

[returnsandreturns]

i have cast every character that currently has a speaking role in my novel

Freddy Rodriguez (circa early 2000s) as Andy Medina

Andy left a tiny town in Ohio for ungrad at NYU, bringing along mostly personal baggage, and graduates with a best friend and roommate, a fresh break-up, an English Lit degree and an acceptance to Columbia Law. 

Three years later and he’s a law school drop-out who can barely make rent and has thirty pages of a novel he’ll never finish writing and no idea what he’s doing with his life. Some mix of a terrible radiator, a misdemeanor and pure fate leads him into a relationship that introduces him to BDSM and a world that makes him want to tell stories.

A few moments later, Laurel steps into the room, makes a considering noise, then promptly crawls under the covers with him, curled up facing him like she’s going to say something but she shuts her eyes after he frowns at her. They lie together in silence for awhile before she says, “How’s your brain?”

Andy thinks about it for a second. He doesn’t feel good, but that’s kind of been his level for a while.

“Not pleased with me,” he says.

“Embarrassed?”

“Embarrassed,” he echoes. “Rejected. Depressed. Nothing new, honestly.”

“Oh, honey bear,” Laurel croons.

“Oh my god, don’t call me that,” he says, laughing, rolling away from her when she tries to kiss him on the face. “I’m fine, I just need to hermit away for a couple of days and lick my wounds. And—jerk off, probably.”

“That’s your right as an American,” Laurel says, seriously, basically climbing on top of him to press a wet kiss to his forehead. “I’ll leave you to your sad masturbation.”

“Thanks,” Andy says, waiting until she’s back in her room before he buries his face in a pillow and screams.

He’s been pretty sure that his life’s not moving in the right direction for a while but this feels like a big glaring sign from the universe that he’s doing something really wrong here.

Alfred Enoch as James Graham

James left behind a position at his father’s prestigious law firm in Nashville to go to Columbia Law and become a public defender in New York, making him, despite Andy’s belief that he is pretty much perfect in every way, the family disappointment. He only goes to Tennessee for major holidays, where he gets sighed at a lot. 

He just got out of a bad, intense relationship and he doesn’t want to get into another one and go through all that pain again. He’s worried that he’s getting into a loop of falling asleep alone watching Doctor Who, though, so. . .something casual might be okay. 

“Oh my god.” James looks up at the ceiling for a long moment before sighing heavily. “I normally don’t sleep with criminals, so I don’t have anything to go on for this. Can you—be cool?”

Andy cannot promise that. Based on everything that he knows about himself, it’s completely unlikely that he can be cool. Practically impossible.

“Yeah,” he says, scoffing. “I can be cool. Lawyer me up.”

James looks at him for a long moment before he sighs loudly. Overdramatically, really. He’s got a job to do, and it’s not Andy’s fault that they’ve seen each other’s orgasm faces.

(James’ wasn’t even embarrassing. He looked like Barack Obama at a particularly tender moment of a speech. He’s a ridiculous person and Andy is currently in a room with him and, despite being simultaneously still drunk and hungover, still kind of can’t stop himself from spinning a problematic jailbird fantasy in his head. If his hands were handcuffed to the table, he could probably still bend over it.)

“Let’s just pretend that—what happened never happened,” James says, sitting a folder down and sliding neatly down onto the chair in front of Andy before raising his eyebrows at him expectantly.

“Of course,” Andy says. “I can definitely pretend like you never rocked my world.”

Lana Condor (aged up a few years) as Laurel Reyes

Laurel self-identifies as a manic pixie dreamgirl but she’s reclaiming it. She teaches art to rich little kids at a fancy private school which isn’t exactly her dream job but you make a lot more money doing that then inspiring plucky misfits. She’s the Mom Friend with varying results but, to be fair, Andy’s her only real friend and he self-identifies as A Problem Child.

“I’ve got hours to go before I sleep,” he says, “but it’s kind of like it was written by a very worldly child.”

She snorts, unpeeling the wrapper to bite down into it and coming up with frosting on her nose and a wry smile that he returns over his shoulder as he goes to the bathroom. She yells from where she’s sitting, “Is your sexy lawyer friend a fan of 50 Shades?”

“No, he’s classy!” he yells back.

“Nothing classier than whips and chains,” she says, muffled by a mouth full of cupcake, laughing loudly.

When he comes back out, she’s eating Stef’s cupcake, too.

“Dude,” he says.

“I’ll make it up to her,” she says, humming happily. “This is soothing the voices inside me yelling at me to have a baby.”

“They’re back?” he asks.

“Literal clockwork,” she says, darkly, finishing the cupcake off and balling the wrapper up to toss it in the direction of the kitchen. “Doesn’t matter that about half my kids are spoiled monsters who could bring an end to the human race entirely if all people capable of birthing someone were exposed to their bullshit.”

“Wow,” he says, sitting down next to her and letting her throw her legs over his lap, squirming until her back is against the arm of the couch. “I mean, babies are cool.”

“Babies are cool. And also terrible,” she says, making a long noise that’s somewhere between a sigh and a groan. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Tell me about your garbage book.”

He’s describing what he’s read so far in as much lurid detail as possible when his phone buzzes on the kitchen counter, and he gets up to grab it, laughing when Laurel says, “She sounds like she’s a deeply closeted lesbian. Can we talk about that? How she needs help and to get properly eaten out by someone who knows what she’s doing?” 

Mara Wilson as Stef Klein

Laurel boldly marched up to the cute student librarian in the NYU library that her and Andy always studied in, said, “Is that a hardcover or are you just happy to see me?” and Stef, despites her best efforts, falls in love instantly. 

Stef has a BS in Political Science but politics raise her blood pressure so she uses it to yell informative insults at C-SPAN and uses her MIS to make the biggest difference she can as a reference librarian at a NYPL branch.

“Laurel said you might be coming,” she says.

He’s pretty sure that Stef doesn’t actually hate him, and he knows that he doesn’t hate her so much as he’s scared of her and jealous of her for taking so much of Laurel’s time, but sometimes it’s really hard to tell. 

“I need a book,” he says. “It’s of—a disreputable nature.”

“50 Shades,” she says, sounding entirely unimpressed.

“—how the fuck do you people know everything?” he says, voice dropping to a whisper as he glances around.

“I’ve seen that look on a lot of anxious straight women,” she says. “I’m professionally obligated to provide you with that book, but, as someone who secondhand cares about you, can I recommend something else? Please?”

“You care about me?” Andy asks, leaning on the desk and grinning up at her. She types something into her computer and makes an unimpressed noise before she acknowledges him again with a pointed eye roll.

Harmony Santana as Sara Medina 

After their dad killed himself when she was fifteen and Andy was ten and their mom kind of went off the rails, Sara took on as much responsibility as she could and dragged Andy out of some of his darker times and sat with him every night to fill out the scholarships that helped him get to college. She felt left behind but their mom and grandma were both doing bad and somebody had to stay. 

She came out as transgender after she graduated high school. Rural Ohio wasn’t a great place to transition but Sara is fierce and firm and the coolest, best person that Andy knows. 

“I’m going to say this for the tenth—oh, I’ve been counting—time,” he says, making a grabby hand at Laurel who passes the carton. “He’s not my boyfriend.” 

“He basically lives at his apartment,” Laurel says, nudging Sara and raising her eyebrows. “I never see him anymore, I’m having empty nest syndrome.”

“Why the hell isn’t he your boyfriend?” Sara asks, taking the ice cream from him.

“Because he—doesn’t want a relationship,” Andy says, because he doesn’t know much more than that, just a shadowy terrible breakup. “And neither do I.”

Sara and Laurel both silently turn to look at him and he rolls his eyes.

“I don’t!” he says. “What we have works.”

“Sure it does,” Sara says. “I want to meet him.”

“. . .sex friends don’t have to meet your family,” Andy says. “It’s, like, rule number three behind don’t fall in love and--use a safe word.”

“Rules don’t apply to me,” Sara says, which has actually been pretty true for most of her life, but—

“I haven’t even met him yet,” Laurel says.

“And you gave birth to him!” Sara says. “It’s happening. Tell him he has to come over.”

Aimee Carrero as Tasha 

Tasha is Andy’s favorite coworker and one of a series of terrifying, amazing women in his life. She’s going to school for hospitality and is definitely going to own this hotel someday and possibly also take over the world. 

She once had a boyfriend who liked to get pegged. It’s not really relevant to her character but she really loves to share that story.

He’s practically whistling at work, so he can’t blame the fact that Tasha rolls her chair backwards and sits there with her legs crossed, glaring at him until he says something.

“I can be happy,” he says, defensively. “I’m happy all the time. This isn’t weird.”

“You’re always staring wistfully into the distance like a Gothic heroine,” she says, suspiciously. “Is this about your hot lawyer boyfriend?”

“Not my boyfriend,” he says.

“Keep telling yourself that,” she says. “Is this the fresh-faced glow of someone who just got—”

“We’re not talking about sex,” he says, cutting her off, shaking his head violently. “It’s official. I made a contract and everything.”

It was just a piece of hotel stationary with I will not say anything about anybody’s sex life while on the clock; if I do otherwise, may God strike me down written on it and Tasha’s incredibly sarcastic signature below it.

“That wasn’t binding,” she says. “Do you really not want to tell me?”

“. . .no, I really do,” he says, after a grueling five seconds.

Hale Appleman as Gabe 

Gabe doesn’t have a last name that he owns up to because he had a rocky end with his family and he wants to be a lot more mysterious than he actually is. He left home when he was seventeen and moved in with an abusive older guy who introduced him to kink; luckily, Eileen and Margaret, the owners of one of the first bars that he took Gabe to, recognized what was going on immediately and basically adopted him to get him away from the guy. They kept him away from the scene, too, until he was old enough to make his own choices and understand what he was getting into.

He helps with the business even after he moves out to his own place and he keeps an eye out to make sure everything is safe when he’s there.

“Hey, kid!” Gabe says, approaching them. ��Good show.”

Andy’s in no state to talk to anyone right now, anyway, nevertheless someone who just watched him get spanked and clearly love it, so he just smiles at the way James holds him closer and says, “Thanks. We’re headed out.”

“I’m giving you my number,” Gabe says, holding out a receipt with a number scrawled out on it. “I was going to do it just to make your friend jealous because he’s cute when he looks like he’s about to kill someone but I also try to make friends with all the baby kinksters.”

“Friends?” James asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Friends,” Gabe repeats, seriously. “I’ve been around the block and I’m actually not a creep, so—hit me up if you have questions about the scene or whatever.”

“You don’t look that much older than me,” Andy says.

“Started young,” Gabe says, winking. “Have fun, boys.”

Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as Margaret and Eileen Smith

Margaret and Eileen got married in the 60s because laws are for other people and they were (and sometimes still are) convinced that nobody’s ever been in love like they are. After a series of unfulfilling careers and a well-timed inheritance from one of the only family members that still spoke to them, they bought a bar that, with time, transitioned into one of the few sex clubs to make it through crackdowns in NYC in the 80s. 

“Shit,” Eileen says, laughing, leaning back in her chair. “You wrote him a book?”

“No,” Andy says, shaking his head. “I just—finished it for him.”

“And wrote it about him,” Gabe says, grinning into his coffee mug.

“You wrote him a book,” Eileen repeats, sounding delighted. “That’s a lot, kid.”

Gabe made him come to the munch group meeting today, to keep him from lying in bed and staring at this ceiling and quietly having a meltdown because what the fuck did he even do? He wrote James a book. That’s what he did.

(“I know I’m not your dom,” Gabe had said, gently, “but if you don’t do what I say, I’m gonna come drag you out of bed.”

“Hot,” Andy had said, with no feeling.)

“I wrote it for myself, too,” he says, picking at the muffin in front of him. “He’s just—inspirational.”

“Love often is,” Margaret says, turning to look at Eileen with exaggerated sentiment, who snorts and shoves her lightly.

[recalculatingthegenderwar]

Feminist academic reminds us mainstream feminism really does just hate men

The Washington Post recently published an editorial entitled “Why can’t we hate men?” It is a short and illuminating look at the psyche of a modern feminist academic. In her editorial, Northeastern University professor Suzanna Danita Walters “names the problem”, a term feminists use when they get tired of dancing around how evil all men are and just decide to come out and say it. In these moments, the pseudo-academic smokescreens of “patriarchy” start to fall away and feminists reveal themselves as naked bigots.

Anti-male bigotry is mainstream feminism.

Although the article’s quality tempts you to think otherwise, Walters isn’t some random blogger:

“Suzanna Danuta Walters, a professor of sociology and director of the Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies Program at Northeastern University, is the editor of the gender studies journal Signs.” [link to her bio added]

I’m surprising no one by pointing out that while women’s studies or gender studies could be a legitimate academic discipline, it is really only feminist indoctrination in practice. The Northern University Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies Program website states:

“We advance knowledge through interdisciplinary research, innovative pedagogies, and collaboration with other institutions, inspiring new generations of gender and sexuality scholars and feminist leaders committed to social justice. We strive to be a globally recognized model of excellence in gender, sexuality, and feminist scholarship.” [emphasis added]

Walters is neither a nobody nor a fringe radical. She is a feminist professor teaching feminism at a prestigious university, running a feminist academic center and a feminist academic journal. She stands at the zenith of mainstream feminism.

This also makes it laughable when Walters claims “[t]he world has little place for feminist anger.” I won’t rehash the mind-bogglingly examples of feminist power and influence I’ve written about. I’ll just point out that Walters is one of many for whom “feminist anger” is a viable career. This is like Bill Gates telling us, “People really never much had of a place for that whole computer thing.”

The problem with naming the problem

In my past articles, I explained how Patriarchy theory is the core narrative of feminism. Patriarchy theory claims that women (and sometimes to a lesser extent men) are being oppressed by men as a class. Since men are considered to have absolute power over the world, even problems seemingly unrelated to gender (war, economic issues, environmental issues, etc) are the fault of men as a class. Individual male misdeeds are attributed to the entire male class even if most men would find those misdeeds repugnant. Positive male contributions are forgotten. Indeed, Walters blames men for a “milienia of woe”. Because God knows humanity was so much better off a millenia ago. Things have really gone to shit since a man invented Penicillin.

Meanwhile female misdeeds are seen as rarities, ignored or blamed on male influence. Under feminism, women must be angels and men must be devils.

Men as a class are referred to as the Patriarchy. This obfuscates and dehumanizes feminist bigotry toward men. Feminists portray themselves as fighting a system rather than people. This is useful for public relations and seducing new recruits. It is unclear whether feminists are just lying to the public or also to themselves. I honestly think it’s a bit of both.

As feminists become more indoctrinated, they get tired of dancing around the problem. They feel like they are doctors who aren’t allowed to properly diagnose a disease that is ravaging the world. Sit in the feminist pot long enough and you will eventually boil over. That is what we are seeing with Walters:

“Seen in this indisputably true context, it seems logical to hate men. I can’t lie, I’ve always had a soft spot for the radical feminist smackdown, for naming the problem in no uncertain terms. I’ve rankled at the “but we don’t hate men” protestations of generations of would-be feminists and found the “men are not the problem, this system is” obfuscation too precious by half”

Notice Walters is not only framing men (not “Patriarchy”, but men) as the “the problem”, but challenging the feminist credentials of all “would-be feminists” who don’t openly hate men. Walters believes hating men is essential to being a feminist.

Walters justification for hating half of humanity

So what is the “indisputably true context” in which “it seems logical” to hate half of the entire human species based on a biological trait they have no control over? What is Walkers indisputably justification for hating over 3.5 billion people across the world with diverse backgrounds, identities and beliefs simply because they were born a certain way? You would think an academic would have a rock solid argument to advocate such widespread hate. You would be wrong:

“It’s not that Eric Schneiderman (the now-former New York attorney general accused of abuse by multiple women) pushed me over the edge. My edge has been crossed for a long time, before President Trump, before Harvey Weinstein, before “mansplaining” and “incels.” Before live-streaming sexual assaults and red pill men’s groups and rape camps as a tool of war and the deadening banality of male prerogative.” [included original links from article]

These aren’t arguments. They aren’t even coherent sound bites. Walters is just ranting. We don’t even know if Schneiderman is actually guilty of anything yet. Yeah, Weinstein is a jerk. He doesn’t represent all men.

Yeah, 2 incels went on a killing spree (killing both women and men) in the last 5 years. However, incels aren’t inherently violent. They aren’t always saints, but they aren’t a terrorist movement. There appears to be no evidence that either killer colluded with the wider incel community. Frankly, a lot of the reporting on the supposedly “dangerous” incel movement seems like fear-mongering/feminist propaganda. More importantly, incels are a fringe movement that most men want nothing to do with. Most men don’t even know what an "incel" is.

The only items with even a little meat are claims of live-streaming sexual assault and rape camps. How common are these things? Who are the victims? The perpetrators? Walker doesn’t tell us. We get no information about live-streaming sexual assaults. Her link on rape camps takes you to a 18 year old article about the trial of Serbian soldiers who sexually enslaved Muslim women during the Kosovo conflict. This is tragic, but is it grounds to hate all men? Again, the article is about their criminal trial in the Hague. Strange how the rape of women is globally condemned in our universal patriarchal rape culture.

“Pretty much everywhere in the world, this is true: Women experience sexual violence, and the threat of that violence permeates our choices big and small. In addition, male violence is not restricted to intimate-partner attacks or sexual assault but plagues us in the form of terrorism and mass gun violence.”

Walters provides no links or no citations here. Statements like this are largely meaningless without some effort to establish scope. “Pretty much everywhere in the world women experience” synethesia and gout. Female violence “is not restricted to intimate-partner attacks or sexual assault.“ These are also both equally true statements.

Similarly, Walters gives us no actual data about men’s role in terrorism or mass gun violence. I’m still willing to consider men might be overrepresented in terrorism and mass gun violence. However, does this mean I should hate women because women commit the majority of infanticide? What? I can’t because only a minority of women commit infanticide and most women find infanticide abhorrent? Feminists say I should be sensitive about possible psychological or social issues that motivate female child-killers? Really?

What about women being the majority of human traffickers? Should I hate all women now?

Surprise! It's the wage gap.

Walters eventually gets something that sort of resembles an actual argument:

“Women are underrepresented in higher-wage jobs, local and federal government, business, educational leadership, etc.; wage inequality continues to permeate every economy and almost every industry; women continue to provide far higher rates of unpaid labor in the home (e.g., child care, elder care, care for disabled individuals, housework and food provision); women have less access to education, particularly at the higher levels; women have lower rates of property ownership.“ [original links included]

Basically you should hate men because…wage gap - the dead horse feminists keep thinking will win the Kentucky Derby. The wage gap is generally found to be the result of women’s choices in the labor market, not sex discrimination. The same goes for unpaid labor. Walters’ own source explains that women often do more unpaid labor because their husbands often do more paid labor.

Walters claim about education holds a bit more water. Her linked source is a recently published academic report on girl’s worldwide school enrollment. I haven’t had a chance to read through it detail, but it seems to take a much more nuanced view of than Walters would have you believe. First, there are only significantly unequal primary and secondary school enrollment rates in very poor countries and/or war torn countries. The report doesn’t seem to blame girls lack of education enrollment simply on patriarchal oppression, but mentions issues such as the greater costs on families and greater concern for girls’ safety.

It is unclear what Walters means by “higher levels” of education. The report says very little about post-secondary education. It doesn’t seem to have any statistics on global post-secondary enrollment. One of the few things it does point out is that U.S. colleges have a higher female enrollment than male enrollment (page 18).

Walters never offers hard evidence all of these supposed inequalities she lists are due largely to widespread to sex discrimination against women by men. In fact, she doesn’t even directly make this claim. She only strongly infers it.

Walters Advocates Violence?

“So, in this moment, here in the land of legislatively legitimated toxic masculinity, is it really so illogical to hate men? For all the power of #MeToo and #TimesUp and the women’s marches, only a relatively few men have been called to task, and I’ve yet to see a mass wave of prosecutions or even serious recognition of wrongdoing. On the contrary, cries of “witch hunt” and the plotted resurrection of celebrity offenders came quick on the heels of the outcry over endemic sexual harassment and violence. But we’re not supposed to hate them because . . . #NotAllMen. I love Michelle Obama as much as the next woman, but when they have gone low for all of human history, maybe it’s time for us to go all Thelma and Louise and Foxy Brown on their collective butts.” [originally links included; emphasis added]

Now we are getting into SCUM manifesto territory. The pivotal plot point in Thelma and Louise is one of the protagonists shoots a man to death. I’m less familiar with Foxy Brown, but it sounds like the female protagonist also commits violence against men. It’s hard to not to see this as a thinly veiled call to violence.

This fits with the general cowardice of Walters’ editorial. While it’s clear she hates men and it’s clear she wants us to hate them too, notice she never explicitly writes, “I hate man and you should hate men too”. She is simply stating “”it seems logical to hate men” and that women have every “right to hate” men. She isn’t literally telling anyone to actually hate men.

I’m not sure what legal, professional or ethical bullet she thinks is dodging by so thinly obscuring her obvious intentions.

Feminist Julie Bindel is a monster, but at least she had the decency to just come out and say she wants to put men in concentration camps.

Why was this written?

It isn’t well written. It isn’t thoughtful. It likely won’t improve the public opinion of feminism. Why would Walters write this? Why would the Washington Post print it? What purpose does it serve?

Firstly, Walters wrote it because she is a bigot who wants to spread her bigotry.

Secondly, the Washington Post produces feminist propaganda. I don’t know exactly why, but they do. They concocted a new bogus 1-in-5 college rape statistic after the CSA study finally fell from grace. They further scrambled to save the feminist college rape panic in the face of government data showing incredibly low rape rates on campuses. They tried to whip up #MeToo frenzy by creating a bogus work place harassment study that completely ignored male victims.

Finally, I hypothesis the main goal is to bring Democratic voters to the polls for the midterm election. Look how Walters ends her editorial:

“So men, if you really are #WithUs and would like us to not hate you for all the millennia of woe you have produced and benefited from, start with this: Lean out so we can actually just stand up without being beaten down. Pledge to vote for feminist women only. Don’t run for office. Don’t be in charge of anything. Step away from the power. We got this. And please know that your crocodile tears won’t be wiped away by us anymore. We have every right to hate you. You have done us wrong. #BecausePatriarchy. It is long past time to play hard for Team Feminism. And win.“

Since Trump took office in the United States, SJW groups and left-leaning media outlets have formed an indistinguishable mass of outrage to keep the anti-Trump fires burning for the midterm elections. This is why the National Organization for Women is making tweets about immigration and the 2nd amendment. This is why the Women’s March really wasn’t about women, but about left-wing talking points and hating Trump.

Take a look at this sentence again:

“Pledge to vote for feminist women only.” [emphasis added]

Remember feminism isn’t for women. Feminism is for feminism.

[zzapzzaptasers-a]

CJ Verse

Or, how CJ’s muses affect everything and yet also nothing on this blog. 

A “quick” synopsis:

- Darcy attended a campus tour of Culver, which she’d been already accepted to, in the spring of her senior year of highschool. During this campus tour, the Hulk made his second sighting which actually traumatized Darcy in a way she’s never really been able to explain.  So Darcy went to school somewhere else. I’ll probably need to ask CJ where he thinks this would have happened but whatever. At this other university, Darcy took an elective lecture lead by a guest speaker, Kent V Nelson (no longer on his own blog), prior to his appointment as Doctor Fate. Here, we take a few page’s from Kent’s backstory, where he met a college student and had an affair that eventually would end his marriage and ruin his mortal life until becoming Doctor Fate. Darcy was this college student -- in her second semester of college, barely not yet 19. It was her first adult “relationship” and also where, in every verse except one so far, she lost her virginity. When this came out, Darcy transferred back to Culver to avoid scandal. Her parents never knew. From here, after a few years, Darcy either took the internship with Jane (MCU) or became Doctor Jane Foster’s physician assistant (616). I could write an entire post just on the effect Kent had on Darcy, particularly in her future relationships, but I’ll leave that to another day.

- Blackheart ( @broughthelltoearth) owns Darcy’s soul for no reason other than he just wants to. They have a particularly close relationship for two beings that can’t seem to stand one another and the dynamic is hard to parse between them, sometimes.  Anyways, in all verses, Darcy’s death will ultimately end with her in Blackheart’s possession to like torture or employ or whatever the hell it is he wants with her. Ultimately, all of her “sin” (as minor or nonfatal as they may be) benefits him in some fashion.

- Nyarlathotep ( @stalkingthestars ) ate Kent V Nelson. Honestly, to understand what it is, it’s probably better to read CJ’s about for it. Darcy’s connection to Kent lead it to her, and it stalked her and tormented her before ultimately torturing he with her father’s death and then growing bored and just yeeting out. Because of it’s classification as a Lovecraftian cosmic horror, Darcy is left touched by its darkness and suffers nightmares, anxiety, and occasional moments of dissociation, all of which is building towards a spiraling madness. This is applicable in all verses, but is almost never addressed outside of threads with CJ’s characters.

- Jane ( @mustbeathor) and Bill ( @harkthestormbreaker)  Jane’s the most important person to Darcy, and this particular Jane is just for Darcy’s 616 verse. Darcy isn’t aware  Also Darcy runs the Bill fanclub. I don’t make the rules. She’s the president.  He’s helping her learn how to defend herself, alongside Darcy’s older sister figure, Anyil. Bill is applicable to all verses.

- Nick Fury (616 @dointhedirtywork) won’t hire Darcy for multiple reasons -- most of all, his concerns over how likely it is she might snap if it comes down to her life vs someone else’s. He still looks out for her, though, still thinks to check in on her every now and again and Darcy’s a little bitter about it, but also really fond of him. He is, in some ways, a replacement father figure, if an often absent one. This one is a little wonky, since he does make comments about Darcy’s MCU life as well as her 616, so THIS Nick exists and doesn’t exist in all of Darcy’s verses.

[writerly-ramblings]

Thoughts on “The Penderwicks at Last”

All right, there’s been enough interest from the (so sadly tiny) group of Penderwicks readers on here, so here are my semi-coherent thoughts on the last book, At Last, because, as previously stated, I have Thoughts. Spoilers ahead for all the entire series.

I’m going to start by saying that I am not the intended audience for these books: I’m in my twenties. That being said, I’ve waited over a decade for The Penderwicks At Last, and I reread the entire series to prepare. I read the last one in a few hours, and ugly cried through the second half.

Fair warning: my parenthetical comments waged a territorial battle and won.

PROS:

Everyone gets a happy ending. I think, over time, I’ll feel less conflicted about At Last because, in the end, everyone is happy, and does it matter how they got there?

Skye, particularly, is so much happier. The events of the fourth book clearly had an impact, and Lydia has grown up with a much less fearful, hurting, angry, or traumatized Skye.

Batty’s memories of Arundel being mostly patched together from stories her family has told felt incredibly realistic to me, and I enjoyed watching her rediscover the estate.

Ben is great, and I’ve always loved the Penderwick children’s dedication to their chosen obsessions/careers, so I’m glad he’s got that. I also loved when he told Jeffrey he’d marry him, but not if he was broke. (The humor in these books!)

Rafael is still around. We don’t see him, but we know he’s still friends with Ben. Other Penderwick friends have fallen off the map between different books (Anna, Keiko, Molly, Mercedes), and it was good to see someone stick around.

I liked Wesley. He felt like a red-herring (I can’t be the only one who was desperately hoping Batty was going to decide she wanted to be with him after all), but he was a delightful character. He’s kind to Lydia and Alice, makes himself helpful around the house/with wedding prep, loves Hitch, and respects Batty’s boundaries. He’s a good person. And the mobiles!

Cagney’s family is adorable. And Skye teasing Rosalind about her childhood crush on Cagney is a dead-on sister thing to do.

Mr. Penderwick and Iantha are still very much in love, and still very much adorable and loving parents.

“Jeffrey, no one wants to marry you!” (Okay, this is was a laugh-or-you’ll-cry moment, but I did laugh!)

Also in the bittersweet category would be Mrs. Tifton’s talk with Jane in the carriage-house. We won’t talk about the fact that I really, really wanted Mrs. Tifton to be right. What we will talk about is Jane rage-sewing, being a good older sister, holding it together, and refusing to sully her honor (I love that Jane has maintained her bizarre approach to honor that includes even hypotheticals). Thinking about it, this scene mirrors the one with Skye and Mrs. Tifton in the first book (with Lydia standing in for Batty here), and I like that touch.

CONS:

A lot of the issues I had with At Last are really my own problems, not shortcomings in the book. One instance of that is how I felt about Lydia as a narrator. The first four books mature in tone as they go along, due to the seriousness of the issues facing the characters, making them compelling reading for someone older than the intended audience. I liked Lydia, but she felt much less mature than her sisters at similar ages, and wasn’t facing comparable difficulties. And she wasn’t nearly so interested, or involved, in her sisters’ lives as I would have liked. (Which is understandable, given the age gap, but frustrating as a reader who cares mainly about Rosalind, Skye, Jane, and Batty.)

Technology is weirdly handled? I’ve always liked the timeless quality of the previous books, and all the texting and general cell phone use threw me. (And, really, how many eleven-year-olds have access to cell phones and use them exclusively to text their brothers?)

Jane gave me a kind of dispirited, hollow feeling. She’s twenty-five and still hasn’t sat down and written a full novel. She has two abandoned books and one in the planning stages. I don’t mean I wanted her to be published, but it felt very flighty, especially for someone who’s been serious about writing since she was younger than ten. (I kind of wanted more of Jane in general, actually. How was college? How is she managing to keep a waitressing job she’s terrible at, and why wouldn’t she work in, I don’t know, a bookstore or library instead?)

This leads into my next, larger but vaguer upset: Everyone’s happy, but I was still dissatisfied. I know that most of the time life isn’t glamorous, but aside from Skye, the other sisters don’t seem to have done much? Rosalind has taken fifteen years to marry Tommy, Jane hasn’t finished even a draft of a novel, and it seems like Batty’s going to graduate college and start a music school in western MA (which is fine, but also, where are her years touring in Europe and her own career in music?). I don’t know. I think I just wanted to believe, for 256 pages, that adult life could be more exciting and adventurous, and live up to childhood expectations.

Honestly, I like Lydia, but she’s not why I wanted to read At Last. This goes back to me not being the target audience, but it’s the older four I care about, and I felt like frustratingly little was said about them. And I’ve read interviews with Jeanne Birdsall, where she talks about this book being the point she was writing toward, and I’m just having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that, if this was the endgame, middle-grade novels were the best format for the story. (Am I biased here? Definitely. Did I love these books as a child and teenager? Without a doubt. Would I, right now, prefer to have read a literary fiction novel where the older sisters’ adult lives were given as much weight as their childhoods? I’d be all over that. Again, I acknowledge this as my own bias, not a shortcoming with the book.)

SKYE:

(Because, let’s be honest, this is where I fell apart.)

I’m so, so happy Skye is working on her doctorate. As someone else who didn’t want to date at seventeen because I wanted to “soak up the universe,” I appreciate the fact that she’s out there, doing just that. But it also made me so sad. Because her family loves her, so they put her on speaker phone during important family meetings, and they miss her when she’s gone, and Lydia doesn’t know her, as a person, the way her other sisters and Ben (sort of) do. And this is very much tied to my own life, as I look at likely moving to a different country, leaving behind parents I love and a whole host of younger siblings.

So I’m glad she has the life she spent her whole childhood wanting, but I also wish we’d gotten to see more of how she grew, and healed, and changed post-In Spring. Because the Skye we see in At Last isn’t the Skye from the other books, and that’s good, it means she’s less hurt (and also almost ten years older), but it also means I didn’t feel like I knew much about her anymore.

I have almost no thoughts on Dušek and agree with the opinion other people have voiced that he seemed to be there mostly to squash all doubt about Jeffrey. He seemed sweet, but I didn’t know, or care about, him. (And I think the lack of Skye contributed to this: I didn’t know her, so I didn’t feel invested in him.)

THAT ROMANCE:

I feel like noting that I’ve read Little Women more times than I can count, and I willfully ignored not only that, but also the blatant Penderwick-universe foreshadowing (like Batty saying Jeffrey could marry her, after he saves her from the bull all the way back in the first book). Because Birdsall did deviate from Little Women in other, large ways, for example: none of the sisters die. Did I suspect Jeffrey would end up with Batty? Yes. Did I fervently hope that he’d actually end up with Skye? Also yes. Does it make me seem incredibly shallow that this is what occupied a great deal of my brain for twelve years? Probably.

It’s worth pointing out that I’m a sucker for childhood friends who fall in love and get married (Anne and Gilbert, Meg and Calvin, Ella and Char, Miri and Peder, don’t get me started on FMA … I’ll cop to having a problem), but also that I’ve never been bothered by Laurie and Amy. They make sense together, and Jo’s opposition to Laurie is based on legitimate concerns that just don’t exist for Skye and Jeffrey, thanks both to the fact that they live in the twenty-first century, and that Jeffrey doesn’t have Laurie’s hot-headed argumentative steak, stubbornness, or laziness.

And it’s not necessarily that I think Batty and Jeffrey wouldn’t be good together (other than the fact that, unlike Skye, Batty did, at least while younger, consider him not an “honorary Penderwick” but an “honorary brother”), but we never get an explanation for how Jeffrey feels about Skye now, or how/when he got over her (because, when you think about it, that must have been a Process. According to Jane, circa In Spring, Jeffrey’s been in some form of adoration/love with Skye since a few weeks before he turned eleven, and at least until he was eighteen, which is seven years. He’s twenty-five in At Last, which means, in the span of time the series covers, he’s spent just as much time in love with Skye as not. And seven years is a long time - more than a quarter of his life. And that’s a conservative estimate, since the last we hear of this is that he and Skye fight about this at his graduation, but that likely wasn’t the exact moment he fell out of love with her. And the jump from Skye to Batty is more difficult to swallow, given all of this, than Jeffrey going on to marry a non-Penderwick. Though, to Jeffrey’s credit, it’s heavily implied he’s going to marry Batty, but this is conveyed strictly through Jane; he’s not out there himself, desperately trying to win nineteen-year-old Batty’s affection in order to replace her sister).

Mostly, while reading, I felt misled, because if there was creeping Batty/Jeffrey foreshadowing, the Skye/Jeffrey foreshadowing was burst-into-your-music-room-and-tell-you-off strong. Jeffrey asks Skye if she ever thinks about them getting married all the way back in the third book. And Skye never shows similar inclinations toward romance, but the whole plot of In Spring makes it seem like this is due to being traumatized by the circumstances of her mother’s death. She isn’t interested in romance as a teenager, but she does love Jeffrey as a friend, and since the purpose of the events of In Spring is to make her less terrified of relationships, and because it’s Jeffrey she originally opens up to about this, there’s a lot, thematically, implied here. (I feel like the argument at Jeffrey’s graduation is maybe meant to show that she’s never going to be interested, but given both that she states that she wants to prioritize college over romance, and that the fight happens off-stage and is only summarized, this isn’t really clear.)

I do feel like this is where Little Women has the advantage: Jo doesn’t love Laurie, and she also has practical reasons why marriage wouldn’t work for them. We never see that from Skye. We see her afraid of love, and fighting with external factors, but we never actually see her not loving Jeffrey for reasons that are related to him.

So I think my main issue here is that their relationship felt very unresolved. Are they even still good friends? And why was it necessary for Jeffrey to fall in love with her in the first place? The fraught conversation in In Spring could just as easily have been Jeffrey or Jane pressing Skye about why she wouldn’t date Pearson.

(Skye and Jeffrey are previously so earnest, and At Last feels like the death of a friendship. Not in a final, we’ll-never-speak-again way, but in a quieter way that makes me think they haven’t really been close since Skye left for college, and that just makes me sad. Where are my “Friends forever” as sworn by the Penderwick Family Honor? Because, yes, yes, everyone grows up, but I didn’t want them to grow apart.)

IN CONCLUSION:

Has anyone actually made it this far down? Was a dissertation called for? Am I a little obsessive/ridiculous/insane?

What might not have come across, but what I do strongly feel, is that At Last is a good read. Lydia’s likable, the return to Arundel is well done, there are a lot of sweet, funny scenes. And none of my criticism really is to do with the material. My disappointment stems almost completely from my own expectations. Will I go on to reread the first four books and then pretend I’ve misplaced the fifth (while imagining it’s told from Rosalind, Skye, Jane, and Batty’s perspectives; and, possibly, that it has a different ending)? Who knows. Maybe, once I’ve sat with the fifth book for a bit longer I’ll like it more. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe those twelve years when I speculated about what would happen in At Last, that decade that the characters kept me company, matters more than whether or not I liked the end.

[mental-health-advice]

hey my name is fiona and i’m 16, Im a junior in high school but the majority of my friends (and my boyfriend) are seniors and they’re leaving for college next year. they’re all on senior trip to disney for a week and it’s reminding me how lonely I’ll be when they leave and how much I’m going to miss my boy ): they’re all posting a ton of pictures of all the fun they’re having and I can’t help but get upset and feel left out, I’m mad at myself for that because they’re having fun. any advice?

Hi love,

First of all, thank you for reaching out to us here at MHA. I am sorry that you are feeling so alone, I understand how terrible that can feel. Hopefully I’ll be able to give you a little advice about how to deal with and overcome this.

What you are feeling is super normal! Everyone experiences a certain level of jealousy about this kind of things, especially when we are worried about being forgotten or left behind when our friends are moving on to different places and with different people. Please don’t feel bad for feeling like this! It is important to remember that just because you are not there with them, or they are moving away for college, does not mean that they have forgotten about you or don’t care about you - change, although difficult, is actually a really great thing because it means progression can occur. Staying in contact with them when they have left for college is still something you can do; skype, messaging, even writing an actual letter if that’s something you’d enjoy! You won’t be losing them, just changing circumstances a little :) Long distances relationships and friendships can be hard to maintain, but if you all put the effort in, I am so sure that things will work out for you!

I am linking this page by Psychcentral as it has some really good tips and advice on overcoming loneliness. Even something really simple like reaching out to people you know first by commenting on a Facebook status, or sending them a short message saying hi and asking what they’re up to - initiating conversation can really help you to feel more involved in a group or friendship.

I also think it’s really important that you take some time alone to look after yourself and relax - so having a bubble bath, reading your favourite book, painting your nails, whatever activities you enjoy doing that make you feel more at peace and comforted. Being alone doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, and I honestly think it’s so important to try and keep reminding yourself of that.

Is meeting new people and making friends something that you want to do? Something I would suggest is to look online, like on Tumblr, for a community which share a passion with you - for example, there are a lot of band and anime communities on Tumblr I know about. But I’m sure you would be able to find at least one person whom with you share a common interest, no matter how niche it is, and then you can chat with them about that? Also, have you considered joining any local groups or volunteer programmes near you? This would mean you got out of the house and socialised with others in your local area which can be a great way to start making new friends which I think will be particularly important for you when your current friends leave for college.  

Please remember that if you feel like this is having a negative impact on your mental health, then it is totally okay for you to go and seek some professional guidance - that could be your doctor or a school counsellor. They will not only be able to help you understand your feelings and why you are having them, but also give you some more coping mechanisms for dealing with loneliness and feeling down. Here is our page about getting help just in case it is something you are considering.

I hope this all makes sense, lovely. Please remember that your feelings are completely valid and you are allowed to feel like this - reaching out to your current friends is important, but so may be reaching out to some new people? We are always here for you at MHA, so you’re never alone. Take care!

Rhiann xo

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

sister sister

yara got divorced. i’m happy about it.

for those of you who don't know who yara is, she a really close family friend who is essentially an older sister to me. we met at the lebanese church down in phoenix because i was just so darn cute and her and her sister had to meet me. our parents clicked and just like that i started growing up at her house most weekends of my childhood. until recently though, i hadn't really talked to her in four years. the four years she spent engaged and married to george. she changed when she married him and i didn't like who she became. i didn't like her so much that i unfollowed her on social media. that being said, i also never liked george. he’s just a pompous self-righteous bigot and i’m so glad i never have to deal with him anymore. hearing that she divorced him was so great, but seeing her without him is what really made me happy. she was smiling again, her laughter filled the room and she talked to me. her old self came back. her true self. it makes me happy to talk to her and tell her things again, see her smile again and her free spirt return. i’ve missed her so much, and i love her. 

i’m so grateful for the times i’ve gotten to see her this summer, particularly our car ride to the lebanese church this past sunday. she told me how proud she was of me, how excited she was that i went to an out-of-state school, and how excited she is for all of my opportunities. it was so nice to hear. it was that true pride and happiness i have been missing from a superior in my life. sure, my parents say they're proud of me, but they're not. i’m not a doctor, i’m not living at home, and i’m not on a track to be married by 24 and start producing grandkids. it reminds me of what pierre told me sophomore year, how they wont be proud of anything i do really so just do whatever i want. it was really beautiful to talk about it with yara, because she went down the traditional road expected of girls like us, she lived it, she hated it, and she got through it stronger than ever. she’s like a beacon of hope. she told me that the advice she would want to give me is to live up my twenties, and she’s so happy to hear that i have been. i’m going abroad, i’m getting a college degree, i’ve moved away from my home, i’m growing, having experiences and living my life. she talked to me about how i really was repressed as a child and i missed out on so much. i was deprived of a childhood and my teen years really. and she saw it when we went over on weekends, she still sees it now when i’m back with my family. that lead into a whole time talking about how i know how to live on my own know and that i know how to function and that everything works in my head and when i’m by myself my life works a little more streamlined but as soon as i get home shit hits the fan and we just clash and stuff that i would be able to do easily on my own back in slo is suddenly the most difficult task to accomplish with my family. yara told me that that never goes away. a lot of it can be attributed to us being way more chill than them. everything is a drama with them. like they live real-life turkish dramas all the time and their life has to look perfect and they judge everyone. for me and yara, we try our best not to judge, we don’t like too much drama, and we’re simpler in what we want and want to do. so we just clash with our parents naturally. it’s understandable that it’s a generational thing, but they keep telling us that we can live our own lives and do whatever we want but god forbid we do what we want if it’s not something from their predetermined one-page list of how to live your whole life. it’s hypocritical in a way. “live your life however you want we support you! but if you’re not living your life how we imagined then we actually don't approve of anything you do!” yara told me that even at 28 it doesn't stop. and that’s something i expected. elie is about to go into his senior year, when he graduates, i’d bet a large sum of money that my parents are gonna move to the central coast and follow me. good luck moving to the bay area on a $0 salary! sorry that was rude. i don't know, it’s just like kinda reassuring to see yara go through so much and still be able to find a way to live the life she wants even with suffocating parents. it gives me hope and comfort that i can manage it too. it also helped me realize how similar we are, not just in upbringing but in who we are and what we want and how we live. i know we’re going to grow really close and i can’t wait to have my older sister back! she said her biggest regret was not getting to live her twenties, and that she’s so happy of everything i have accomplished and i haven’t even hit 20 yet. i told her that she should just start a trend and live her twenties with me as she goes through her thirties and she gladly accepted hahah. she’s going to come visit me! in california! after i come back from china during a three day weekend in winter quarter, we’re going to go hit up los angeles together and have a fucking blast weekend together. i’m super excited, i just have to pick a weekend and she’ll buy tickets and we’ll have a time together. i’m so glad we reconnected.

i also have to note how amazing it was going to church with her. lebanese church sucks, because one, it’s all in ancient arabic which i can’t understand, two, it draaaagggss more than usual because he priest likes to talk about himself and not understanding makes it longer, and then three, everyone three judges each other. ever so often yara or i would lean over to the other to give a snarky comment and it made church a little more bearable. my favorite was when two girls both in their late twenties passed us to go receive communion, in honestly prom dresses. long evening downs, very fitted around their curves. first, yaaaas girls, wear what you want and feel good, but then like secondly, is this a church at 11 prom at 12 situation? like in what world do people wear prom dresses to church? lebanese people that’s who. it’s always a competition of who looks and is dressed the best. that’s the real problem i had. like wear what you want, but your reasons for wearing these clothes bother me. it was during this notice that yara looked at me and was like, how many people do you really think are here to pray for God? not many. they're all here to show off their sunday best and gossip. the lebanese church is p toxic and it’s sad but that’s the culture. it was cool to see that yara new it too. 

yara used to be a reminder of what i never wanted to become, married by 24, two kids immediately, college drop-out, no serious career, living 10 minutes away from the house she grew up in and married to a lebanese asshole. now she’s all i can hope to be. she’s free, independent, strong, determined, driven, and knows what she wants from life and is getting it. she has an established photography business now, two beautiful sons, and is still kicking ass like the boss she was always meant to be. i love her, and am so grateful for this new influence she has on my life. i got my sister back and i’m so happy.