#honestly it was just because i was driving home from Yet Another Family Outing and i was thinking of all the asks i would need to answer-

[lifesteal-headcanons]

Kind of a headcanon, just another little detail!! Sorry for the long one... oops...

Lifestealers wax their clothing - not all but definitely a lot, especially pvp sweats… If you don’t know what waxing clothes means, it’s when you take a bar of beeswax (you can use others probably but I’ve only heard about beeswax being used) and you rub it onto your clothing! You then use something hot (people usually use a hairdryer as it’s hot air (yk)) to then melt the wax into the fabric! This then makes the clothes waterproof, though it wears out after a while but you can just do it again. 

Also, so sweet that you’d think of me when seeing the moon… It’s not like a waxing crescent is the only identifiable bit about me… By the way, I chose this phase as it was the moon phase when I was born - so you get lore or something idk.

- 🌒 anon

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[callmewrinkles3]

All Too Well - DR3 x Fem!OC

Summary: Saying goodbye is hard. Saying goodbye to your family without telling them it’s a final goodbye is even harder. But Em has come to terms that Dan doesn’t love her the same way she loves him, and leaving on her own terms will hurt less than being told he’s ending things. March 2022.

Word Count: 12.3k

Warnings: fighting, all the angst this bad boy can carry, lil bit of a dickhead!Dan, running away from your friends, mentions of death, mentions of motorsport crashes and deaths, moving without telling anyone, lying to family, talk of medical procedures, frank talks about what people want to happen if they can’t decide.

A/N: We’ve kept you waiting, but we hope this was worth the wait! This part of our story is what started us on this madcap adventure together, and it’s a lot of what makes our beloved Em Em. Thank you in advance!

Em stared at the two boarding passes in front of her as she sat in the fancy Heathrow lounge, a caramel latte beside them. Heathrow to Dubai, Dubai to Melbourne. More than twenty hours spent on planes to get to Melbourne, to jump into work and get stuck in at the Australian Grand Prix. And it was the last thing she wanted to do.

She should be excited. She should be so happy because she was about to see the boys after over a week apart, she was about to see Dan. She was finally going to get to see the Ricciardos after almost two years apart. But she was dreading it, the memories from Saudi filling her head as she thought. Em forced her attention to the laptop sitting on her knees, emails up and the one she never thought she’d write sitting in the middle of the screen.

SUB: Resignation Letter

From: emmy@.ric3.com

To: blake@.ric3.com

Dear Blake,

Please use this email as my official resignation, effective immediately. I’m sorry that I can’t offer any more notice.

Working with you has been fantastic, and I appreciate everything we’ve gotten to do over the past three years.

Kind regards,

Emma.

Signing it Emma felt wrong. Emma was for Zak Brown and Andreas Sidle. Christian Horner had used it the one time she was introduced to him at Red Bull. She was always Em or Ems now. Except for Dan, she was his Emmy. But that wasn’t going to happen any time soon. Or ever again. If he called her that she thought she might lose the last grip she had on her composure and break.

The email was scheduled and sitting in her outbox to send after the race, and the last thing she did before boarding was reschedule her flight home. Instead of leaving Monday morning with the boys, she was going on Sunday evening. She’d be somewhere over Queensland by the time Blake received the email and the boys would be at least twelve hours behind her. It was enough time to make sure she could be well ahead of them and get away.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be smiling and laughing, and she was supposed to be in Perth right now cuddling her niblings and laughing with Grace and Joe. Learning to cook yet another family recipe and insisting that she and Dan were just friends. She couldn’t even answer the question honestly if they were friends now.

He’d sent her away. The one thing she begged him not to do, the pinkie promise she’d made him give. The only promise she had ever asked him to keep. Not to stay safe while driving, not to do anything else. Not to leave her alone. The near screaming match they’d had in his drivers room that Blake and Michael had to break up. The way he didn’t even look at her but told Blake to “take Ems to the hotel”. How she had tears streaming down her face as she was escorted through the paddock like she wasn’t supposed to be there.

She still didn’t fully believe that she’d dropped her phone in the car. Em shouldn’t even have been in the car alone with Blake, but Dan insisted she went to the hotel room so she went. She was left there alone in Saudi Arabia, where Dan knew she couldn’t leave the hotel. She stared out the window at the smoke from the rockets, completely alone all night until Michael knocked on her door the following morning and she had to pretend everything was fine.

She’d worked from hospitality and as soon as the race finished she changed her flights to go back to London instead of Perth, making up an excuse. And Dan bought that she was going back for her parents.

“Family stuff.” She’d said when he asked.

“Em, you don’t talk to your family much.” She was folding clothes into her case, the one she’d brought that had her Australia clothes already standing fully packed.

“Yeah, but it’s family. My parents have their thirty fifth wedding anniversary in a few weeks, I’m helping plan it.” Only the last part of her words were a lie and she bit her tongue.

“Everyone wants to see you, they all miss you and they keep asking when you’ll be over. The kids miss you.”

“I’ll see them in Melbourne, Dan. You go, enjoy your time at home with them.”

She’d gotten a car to bring her to the airport and Dan hadn’t even asked a question, just a “text me when you land”. There was no hug, no even quick hand squeeze like they usually did in the Middle East. That’s when she knew whatever they were doing. The nearly four years of sleeping together and pretending they weren’t, of the media wondering who she was and why she was always there, was over.

She’d promised herself that she wasn’t going to catch feelings, that it was just sex. That she could do it. That every time she told Dan “y’know, right?” it was purely platonic. That the slow sex was just them wanting to take their time, nothing else. That she hadn’t murmured to Dan to make love to her in Bahrain when they shouldn’t have even been sharing a room after Grosjean’s crash, when he kissed her and held onto her and whispered that he loved her as he entered her.

Because that was sixteen months ago and nothing had changed. It was never going to change between them. Their fight in Saudi had proven it, and now she had to pretend that everything was fine before she said goodbye to the people she loved for the last time.

She couldn’t keep working with Dan when not sleeping with him. She couldn’t watch him fall for another woman, couldn’t get introduced to more people as “Em, my best friend” anymore. She was his Emmy. He was her Danny. And not getting to love him and be loved by him how she wanted to was going to kill her.

The flights were what she expected, Dan had upgraded her tickets to first class like he always did and she wanted to kill him like she always did. She spent the flights and the layovers organising his calendar for the next three months, tracking his flights and cross checking the sponsor events that had been filled in. Everything up to Hungary was booked and ready to go. She checked her watch when she was halfway to Melbourne, realising that he’d be at the Optus event she was usually on his arm for. She was supposed to be there this year, but she told him to take Michelle instead. All the events around the Australian GP that she always went as his plus one, wearing the star necklace he’d gotten her for her birthday, and the matching earrings that were her Christmas present the same year. Her outfit was usually one he’d bought for her against her protests because “let me spoil you” was how he showed that he cared, and she always wore the gold moon ring on her thumb that matched the sun one she’d bought him for his little finger. Most of her wardrobe and all of her everyday jewellery were presents from Dan. Her life was completely entwined with his, and untangling it all was going to hurt.

Her flight got in at god-awful o’clock that Wednesday morning, she’d lost a full day having left London on the Monday evening, but she walked through Melbourne customs with her suitcase glad to just be through. She’d told everyone she’d get an Uber to the hotel and meet them for breakfast, but instead as soon as she appeared in front of the glowing Melbourne sign two small figures ran to her yelling.

“AUNTIE EMMY YOU’RE HERE YOU’RE HERE!” Em dropped her bags and fell to her knees, arms wide open to pull Isaac and Isabella into her and pressing so many kisses to their curly heads.

“I’m here, I’m here. I missed you both so much. So, so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you, I wanted to see you sooner.” Stupid Western Australia and closed borders and not letting people through. Her eyes began shining as she took in the difference in the two kids, Isaac at least a foot taller and losing the childlike way he’d spoken. Isabella had doubled in size, long hair and a child instead of a toddler the last time she’d seen her in person.

“It’s ok, you’re here now! Nana said you’ll sit with us for ev’rything ‘cept the race? Cause we’ve got two years of birthday and Christmas pressies for you!” Isaac looked so proud, grinning as he took her wheeled carry on and pulled it.

“I can’t wait. Who’re you here with?”

“Grandad Joe! He has our sign, Uncle Mike and Uncle Blake told us we had to use all the glitter. We were gonna wait, but I saw you and I wanted a hug. Is that ok?” He looked almost worried of her response, but she ruffled his hair.

“It’s more than ok. All I wanted was hugs from the two of you.”

Isabella clung to her waist, Em lifting her up with one arm and mentally thanking Michael for the strength training that let her carry the girl and pull her suitcase with her. She looked around to see Joe holding a giant piece of bright orange card, Auntie Emmy written on it in blue and silver glitter. It was the shiniest thing she’d ever seen in her life, and it was coming home with her even with the craft herpes that would infest her suitcase. Joe pulled her into a one armed hug on the side his granddaughter wasn’t monopolising, pushing a kiss to the side of her forehead that made her want to cry.

“We missed you, kiddo. Grace wanted to be here but we couldn’t fit her in the car too, and Dan’s doing media today. You cut it tight to get in.”

“It’s my parents wedding anniversary next week, I’ve been helping. I have to fly out after the race on Sunday.” It was Wednesday, and she could see his face fall as he realised how little time they’d have together.

“We’re spending as much time with you as we can until you go. Those boys get you all year round, we get you for this weekend.”

“That sounds perfect.”

When they made it to the hotel Em was greeted with yet more hugs from Grace, Michelle, and Michelle’s husband Adam. There were tears in everyone’s eyes at the reunion, and the long hug from Grace was the best thing ever and broke her heart at the same time. It was so restorative, so good, but she wasn’t going to get many more of them.

“Dan checked you in, here’s your key. He’s got the room on the other side of you, Blake’s on the other wall, we’re most of our corridor. Do you want to get some sleep and we’ll call you at noon?”

The first thing Em noticed about her room was the adjoining door between her room and Dan’s. She closed the lock gently to make sure she was completely alone. After that she napped fitfully, waking up to knocks on the door and yet more hugs. The day was spent going to the zoo, kids hanging out of her as she swung them around and gave piggybacks, feeling exactly like part of the family. Blake told her to take the day off for jet lag, and she wasn’t complaining.

That evening was filled with fun as the kids clung to her while she pulled out the first of so many presents. Chocolate first so she could see their faces eating proper chocolate rather than the Australian stuff that didn’t melt in the heat. The bag of duty free was quickly eaten between everyone, a movie on tv as she filled everyone in on what she had been doing. It wasn’t until after eight that Dan appeared wearing a suit.

“Ems! I thought you were coming with me tonight?” She looked up from where she’d been half dozing with Isabella curled up against her, taking in her best friend wearing a navy blue suit and white shirt.

“Coming to what? I’m taking today for jet lag. What’s tonight?”

“The AusGP reception. You always come!” Confusion was written all over his face and Em swallowed once, looking at him carefully.

“I said I wasn’t doing anything this year. I have to leave pretty much straight after the race, I don’t have time.”

“Emmy, please.” She hated that she couldn’t resist him when he did that, when her name curled around his accent like that.

“I don’t have anything to wear.” This was the closest they’d ever come to an argument in front of his family. Their eyes were going between them as if watching a tennis match.

“I got you something.”

“Dan, you can’t do that.” It was pointless to argue but she had to try make her point. She couldn’t just do everything because he wanted her to.

“I did. C’mon, it’s three hours and some schmoozing and we can come back so you can go to bed. He did his best impression of puppy dog eyes, lifting Isabella from her. “You want to see Auntie Emmy all glam and pretty, right Is?”

“Yeah! She’s always pretty.”

“You’re very right. I left the dress in your room, Ems. Please?”

“Fine.”

She said her goodbyes and went into her room, making sure the adjoining door was locked before going into shower and change. As she walked into the bathroom she thought she heard the door rattle but ignored it, forcing herself to take time to put herself together.

Years travelling around the world had taught her how to make herself look presentable in very little time, forcing her to learn how to do a blow dry with a hotel hairdryer. It took less than an hour to have hair and makeup perfectly done, a wrap around her shoulders and a pair of heels on her feet. The dress Dan had picked was perfect for her. It was lavender, knee length with a corset top, and her jewellery worked perfectly with it. He had taste when it wasn’t about party shirts. Once she was ready she picked up a clutch and knocked on Dan’s door. He opened the door confused, but ready to go.

“I thought you’d use the adjoining door? It’s why I got us these rooms.”

“I’m tired, Dan. Can we just get this over with?”

The launch was like anything else, an event to deal with. There were speeches and then wandering around the room, Dan’s hand hovering at her lower back but not quite touching her. She smiled as she was introduced as “meet Ems, she’s my best friend and my manager’s assistant who keeps my life on track”, even while her heart was breaking. But she kept her cool, finally managing to break away from Dan for a few minutes to chat to Ted and Natalie from Sky while Dan did the rounds.

“I didn’t know if you’d be here. I was talking to Michael yesterday, he said you weren’t in Perth with them,” Ted remarked as Em looked at the almost empty glass of champagne in his hand.

“Is this going to end up as gossip on the notebook if we talk?” Nat nearly snorted with laughter, Ted shaking his head with a chuckle.

“Nope. I’m drinking so I’m officially off work duties. Unless you have any gossip about things? Anything that I can attribute to an unnamed McLaren source?”

“I don’t work for McLaren, thankfully Zak doesn’t sign my paycheque. But no, I’ve got no gossip. There’s some family stuff happening so I have to head home pretty much as soon as the race is over. But I needed to see everyone, it’s been almost two years and I missed them.”

“Fair.” They chatted about the season so far, studiously ignoring the controversy around the last race, until Dan arrived back to make excuses and get them to leave the party.

“Back to the hotel?”

“You read my mind.”

The car ride back was the most awkward one the two of them had ever done and Em didn’t know what to do. Usually if they were in a car alone together they’d be curled into each other or at least holding hands. But she was on her side of the SUV, Dan was on his, and the hand she’d stretched into the middle as a peace offering was ignored. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do with that. Didn’t want to know, really. All his actions did was solidify that the painful decision she’d reached was the right one. Just because things could be easy didn’t mean they were right.

When they reached their floor in the hotel Dan stopped outside her hotel room as Em waved the keycard at the lock.

“Night, Dan.”

“But I thought…”

“What?” She was sharper than she should have been, but she was jet lagged and tired and heart sore.

“I thought we’d be sharing a room.”

“Your family are two doors down and the kids are here. The chances of at least one of them knocking on my door before I want to get up in the morning are high, and I don’t want to have to explain why we share a bed when we’re not married. Do you?”

“Not particularly.”

“Exactly. I’ll see you in the morning.”

As soon as the hallway door closed behind her she double checked the lock on the adjoining door before flipping over the door lock. If she’d looked out the peephole she would have seen a confused and disappointed Dan standing in the hallway.

The next few days passed in a haze of having the kids around, working, and ignoring Zak. She knew he was the original source of the rumours the year before, he was the one who got Mazepin to start spreading that she was sleeping with all three of her boys. It was her greatest pleasure to get to tell him no, and she did it with joy.

But in between finalising as much as she could before her resignation was sent she had time to wander Melbourne alone. She loved the city. It had always welcomed her in, it was Dan’s home race and the place where she knew everyone adored him. Em wandered around a craft market, finding a jewellery maker who made gold charms and engraved them on the spot. It took her all of ten seconds to buy two and get them put on different coloured leather cords, one each for Isaac and Isabella. The front had a pair of angel wings for each of her angel kids, and the engraving on the back read love you forever, Auntie Emmy. 

Leaving her family behind was going to be the hardest part of this, and she needed to make sure that they knew just how much she loved them. Em was so aware that she was about to be the first adult to choose to walk out of their lives, and she didn’t want to do that. She didn’t want to break their hearts the way hers would break too. She just hoped that when they realised she wasn’t coming back they’d know she wanted to tell them how much she loved them.

Practice and qualifying were shit and she felt her dislike of the team growing even stronger. She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to deal with the stupid orange team and the way that they were favouring Lando already. Dan was the one who won a race last year, not Lando. He was the one who had proven himself with podiums galore. But they didn’t care.

That night she left the door between their rooms unlocked. Her bags were half packed, her resignation email was scheduled to send and she’d triple checked the timezone on it. Em had spent the last two days hugging everyone as much as she could, surprising Chloe by popping into the Aston garage before a practice and waving to Lance and Seb as she pulled Chloe into a giant hug. Scotty got one too, trying to put the love and care she had for her best friends outside her boys into a hug. There were waves to the people she couldn’t hug because rumours would start, giving Susie a recommendation for the restaurant they all ate at the night before so she and Toto could have a family meal with Jack in privacy. The small things to make sure everyone knew she thought about them and loved them.

Em couldn’t sleep straight away. Nights before races were hard, the crashes she’d watched with her own two eyes usually playing in her head. Dan in Anthoine’s car, Dan in Grosjean’s. Dan in Lewis’s place the year before with no halo. Dan in the rain and a tractor on track. All the ways she knew people had died racing she thought about and she couldn’t deal. Her fear every time Dan slid into his seat in the car was all encompassing but racing was his first love and she could never ask him to stop.

She was about to get up and go down to Michael’s room to ask for some melatonin, but the doorknob between the two rooms rattled and clicked open quietly. Em stayed still as she was, breathing in and out steadily.

Dan slipped into the other side of the bed. If she just opened her eyes she’d be able to see him. If she reached her fingers out slightly she could touch him. It was the first time they’d shared a bed since Bahrain and being just over covid and she wanted him to hold her. Her body was screaming to curl into him and tell him she loves him and she’s his and she doesn’t want him to fall in love with anyone else because she wants him to love her. To choose her over all the models in the world he could have.

She didn’t sleep that night, too aware of his presence in the bed. She could hear his snores but she didn’t dare look up at him, didn’t dare move in case she disturbed him. He needed his sleep the night before a race.

As the morning dawned through crappy hotel curtains she could feel the vibrations from the alarm on his watch, the one he always used to try let her get some extra sleep when he needed to be up early.

Please kiss my forehead. Please, Dan. Please just give me any sign you want me to stay. Don’t leave me again.

Every morning was the same when they shared a bed. He’d delay until the very last minute to stay in the warmth and then kiss her forehead in goodbye. And then he’d leave, not content to get out from there until he made sure she knew he said goodbye.

This time he slid out of the bed without touching her, padding across the still room and going back into his. Em heard the lock slide shut on his side and rolled over, tears filling her eyes.

It hurt so much already, how was she supposed to pretend that everything was fine? How was she supposed to act normal around everyone when she wanted to scream that they were over and nothing would ever be the same again? How could she be okay when she felt like this? 

He’d left her alone. Again. He hadn’t even touched her but he’d slept in her bed and she never thought Dan could be so cruel. She never thought he’d leave her with the barest hint of his scent, that if she hadn’t been awake she wouldn’t have known he was there. The ache spread through her chest and she tried to quiet her sobs but it hurt. It hurt so, so badly.

A cold shower soothed her puffy face, getting rid of some of the usual redness while makeup did the rest. She was dressed in her usual race day gear of shorts, vans, a McLaren polo, and a Dan hat on her head by the time there was a knock on her door, Michael standing there.

“Hey, I’m heading in with Dan and Blake now. He said you’re going in with his family in an hour?” Another cut in her heart. More space between them. But she schooled her face into a smile, hoping Michael would believe everything was fine.

“Yeah. I said I wanted as much time with the kids as possible, it’s fine.  See you there?”

“See you there.”

Michael was a couple of metres away from her when she stepped into the hall, grabbing her room key from the slot just inside the door.

“Michael?” He turned and she half jogged, pulling him into a tight hug.

“What’s this for?”

“Haven’t seen you as much. You know you’re my brother, right? How lucky I am to have you as my family?”

“You’re the most annoying little sister Ems, but you’re my little sister. I’ve missed having you around.”

“Miss you too.”

She watched him walk away as step one of her goodbyes was done. The next was to go to breakfast with everyone and pretend that things were normal for the next few hours until the race was over. She could do it. She had to.

Breakfast with the extended Ricciardo clan was fun, Isabella still clinging to her and Isaac insisting on sitting beside her. She soaked up every moment she got with them, walking out to the car Dan had arranged holding Isabella on her hip.

“That’ll be you in a few years,” Michelle commented as Em struggled with the car seat buckle before getting it right. “The mother, not the cool aunt. We can swap places.”

Another stab to her already mangled heart. “I dunno. Wait and see, but I’m not sure that’s on the cards any time soon.” Considering the only man she wanted to have a child with didn’t want to be with her, it was a no.

You’ll be a good mother, Em. Plus you’ll have loads of family around.” She wanted to scream that she was leaving her family behind for good this afternoon but instead she just smiled tightly. It was too close to home. She couldn’t keep this conversation going. It hurt.

The race matched her mood. The strategy wasn’t good, the car was a tractor, and the oblique team orders to not let Dan try overtake Lando made her want to scream. The team points would be the same, but no. Not for his home race even. The crowd were amazing and let out loud cheers every time the orange car made its way around the circuit, but it wasn’t enough and Em knew it. It hurt. Her last time at a Grand Prix, her last time cheering for the man she was so deeply in love with, and the team and car had let him down again.

The plan was already to delay debrief till Monday so Dan got to spend time with his family, and Em decided to head to the airport nearly immediately. She couldn’t stay any longer. She couldn’t deal with any more hints from Michelle about a niece or nephew in the future, couldn’t listen to Grace or Joe talking about how much they’d missed her. She couldn’t spend more time with Blake and Michael without wanting to break down and tell them that they had changed her life and she wouldn’t make them choose between her and Dan.

Because that was what it came down to. She was the last one in this group that was all united by their love of Daniel Ricciardo. She was the one who loved him so deeply it hurt, the one who loved every single member of the group to the moon and to Saturn. And she loved them so much she couldn’t bear to have them walk away from her. Because that was what would happen.

Her own blood family didn’t choose her. They saw her as a disgrace, as a failure because she was thirty one years old, unmarried and without kids. They didn’t realise that she was the one who kept Dan on schedule, who organised sponsor events and filtered out the crap he and Blake didn’t need to know about. She stopped the balls from falling out of the sky. Because she was just an assistant.

And if the people who gave birth to her wouldn’t choose her, she knew the family she’d built wouldn’t either. She was never the one who was chosen, and she didn’t blame them. She was just Emma. Danny was Dan. She knew who she’d pick if given a quarter of a chance.

She’d just finished packing when the adjoining door opened, Dan walking in already speaking but stopping when he saw the case by the door, her carry on full with the edge of the orange poster getting folded in.

“Where are you going?” His tone was accusatory and she steeled herself for the argument.

“Home.”

“Emmy…”

“Don’t Emmy me, Daniel! You know I have to go back for the anniversary.” She turned to look at him, watching as confusion turned to anger.

“And I also know that’s bullshit. I’ve known you for how many years, Em? You’ve visited your parents twice. Michael was with you one of those times, the visit lasted twenty minutes and even he didn’t have anything nice to say about it. Michael. Who has a good thing to say about almost everyone. So tell me the truth, why are you leaving now? Why not get on the flight with us tomorrow?”

“Because I have to go back.”

“Don’t lie to me Em!” He raised his voice and Em gave as good as she got, staring back at him.

“You want the truth, Dan? All of it?”

“Yes! That’s all I want, it’s all I’ve ever wanted with you.”

She took a deep breath, staring into his brown eyes for the last time, soaking in that even so angry he was so beautiful. She’d had the privilege of sleeping with him for nearly four years, of loving him for three. Whoever got to do that next would be so incredibly lucky.

“You left me alone. The one thing I ever asked of you, the only thing I ever asked you to promise me was to never leave me alone. I begged you. Whatever was going on, whatever was happening with us, please don’t leave me alone. And then there were bombs flying and I watched one explode and you made me get into a car and leave. You made me stay alone, and you didn’t come back to me that night. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know if you were even alive because I didn’t have my fucking phone until the next morning and all the news was in Arabic. You were gone to the track before I knew what had happened. You left. You broke your promise, Daniel.”

“I didn’t have a choice!” It was the worst thing he could have said.

“But Blake and Michael got to stay. Angela stayed with Lewis, don’t try to lie to me and tell me she didn’t. Britta stayed with Seb. You sent me away, Dan. I was sobbing and begging you to stay and you made Blake drive me away. You made me leave when I was scared.” She let her words sink into him fully. “Just leave. Get out of this room and leave.”

“Emmy…” His voice was soft and she blinked back the tears she knew she wanted to cry. Not until the airport. Not until then.

“GET OUT DAN!” She yelled at him for the first time, shock on his face. “JUST LEAVE! It’s what you’ve been doing this whole weekend, just leave.”

“Fine. Fine. If that’s what you want, I’m fucking gone. I’m done here, I’m gone. I’ll be downstairs in five for you to say goodbye to everyone.” She watched him walk through the adjoining door and lock it as Em’s heart completely broke in two. She’d ruined it. He was done. He was gone. He was leaving and she was going and she would never speak to him again because her Daniel wasn’t hers anymore. One person down, eight to go.

She brought her bags down to the lobby alone, everyone standing there waiting to say goodbye. Michael got a hug, she’d said everything she needed to earlier that day. Blake was beside him, wrapping her in a full body giant one and holding her tight.

“You know I love you, don’t you? I really love you.” Blake grinned and pulled her close again.

“Love you too, Ems. Moving beside you was the best decision I ever made.”

Saying goodbye to Michelle and Adam was hugs and whispers of seeing them for Christmas when she knew it was a lie. Grace pulled her into a hug that only a mother figure could, whispering in her ear.

“We’re coming over for Silverstone and yours and Dan’s birthdays, so we’ll see you then. We love you Em. If you need anything I’m only a FaceTime away. Don’t let them get you down when you’re with your family.”

“I love you too, Grace.”

Joe got a hug and a murmured love you, his hand patting her back soothingly. The kids were last, sulking as Em squatted down in front of them.

“So I got my angels a present to say goodbye, cause I know I didn’t get to see you lots. Want to see them?” There were identical nods and Em strapped the bracelets on, Isaac’s on a black cord and Isabella’s on a purple one.

“It matches the one I made you and Uncle Dan,” Isabella murmured as Em pulled her into a tight hug.

“It does. It’s a reminder that I love you both so very, very much. No matter how far away we are, I’m always going to love you, okay? Don’t ever, ever forget that. Pinkie promise me?” She held out her little fingers, laughing as they both enthusiastically took part in the ritual. She pulled them in for a final hug, pressing kisses to both of their heads.

“See you on winter break!” Isaac grinned as he spoke, Em putting a tight smile on her face. 

“We call it summer break, but I’ll see what we have to do then buddy.”

“Do you want a lift to the airport? I’ve got the rental?” Joe asked but Em shook her head.

“Nah, I’m good. I’ve got an Uber coming, I just want to get on the road. It’s hard enough to say goodbye to everyone I can’t drag it out much longer.”

“Fair. Love you, kiddo.”

“Love you too, Joe.” Her phone buzzed with the notification that her driver was there and she started towards the door. Dan still hadn’t come down and that was it. He didn’t love her. He didn’t feel anything like how she did because no matter what he’d said, he’d never make her leave. But she made him leave. He was gone.

She was almost at the door when an oh too familiar voice called across the lobby, running up to them. 

“I didn’t think you’d be leaving already.”

“My Uber’s outside, I need to leave.”

“Oh.” There was none of their usual hugs, none of the subtle kisses he pushed to the top of her head when they were separated. He didn’t even squeeze her fingers. It was like they were strangers. “Send a text when you get to London?”

“Yeah, sure.”

She turned to get her luggage into the car, shielding her face from everyone with her hair. The driver lifted it in and she was soon safely ensconced in the back seat, tears falling down her cheeks as she waved goodbye behind partially tinted glass.

“Was that Daniel Ricciardo?” The driver asked, Em forcing a smile.

“Yeah, I work with him.” It was true for another five hours at least.

“He seems like a good guy.”

“He’s one of the best.”

Tears streamed down Em’s cheeks the entire way to the airport, through the fancy check in area and security, and following her into her first class pod. She mostly ignored the staff apart from nodding at them, continuing to cry and wipe her eyes on tissues. The tears barely stopped until Dubai, only aided by Blake’s near constant texts as soon as her email sent.

She knew when she arrived in London that she had about twelve hours before the boys landed, Blake texting even while he was on his flights. She sent a I got back safely, receiving another flurry of responses.

Em, what’s this email about?

What’s going on?

Tell me you didn’t mean to send this

Is it the travel? Do you want to slow down? Why?

Ems we need you. How am I supposed to tell everyone you’re not coming with us anymore? Did you meet someone? Did something happen?

We’re about to land in Heathrow. Dan’s going to his place and looks miserable. I’ll be at your door in less than two hours.

When she got the final text Em grabbed the bags she’d hastily packed with clothes and the things she needed for the next eight days until the boys had left London for Imola. The address of the last minute airbnb was in her email, getting an Uber to it handy. She was long gone by the time Blake arrived, sitting in her temporary home for the next while and planning what she had to do. They’d leave England on the Wednesday, she had five days to empty her flat.

It started with an email to her landlord to give up the lease. Her family reasons excuse was accepted quickly, the landlord told she had to leave London and the apartment would be vacant from the end of the month. After that she had to start planning on where to go to.

There were too many memories in London. Nearly every street reminded her of Dan, of days walking around hand in hand to show him her London, not the tourist one he knew. The city she’d moved to at eighteen with a dream and a student loan and where she’d discovered who she was. Dan was everywhere in the city for her - memories of their first kiss in the pub she’d spent too many hours in, museums she’d dragged him to, streets he’d stolen a kiss from her at with a grin and a chuckle when they were waiting to cross the road. The cafes and greasy spoons she’d brought him to with the promise of not telling Michael. She couldn’t stay there, it was too much.

But everywhere she thought of had memories of him. Filthy weekends away when they were at home because of covid, eating out to help out and driving to Manchester or Glasgow to spend time together and have hotel sex. The midlands were completely out because of Silverstone, of memories of Enstone and the Renault factory, of Milton Keynes and his goodbye from Red Bull.

The only big city she could think of without a memory of Dan - with only one memory of her boys - was Liverpool. Which meant her parents. Which meant a conversation she never wanted to have. Calling her mother wasn’t like calling Grace. But she didn’t have Grace in her life anymore, so she had to do it.

“Emma, what country do you deign to call us from today?” Her mother answered the phone, disdain dripping from every word.

“Good morning, Mother. I’m in England. I was calling because I need to ask for a favour from you.”

“Yes?”

Em swallowed, teeing up words on her too thick tongue. “I had to leave my job, they didn’t have the funding to keep me on. I was wondering if I could move home for a few weeks while I’m applying for new jobs. I want to leave motorsports, there’s too much travelling and I want to settle down.” She hit every keyword that her mother had as she checked her bank account balance, spotting her final pay deposited in the account. It was more than healthy thanks to travelling so much for work and Dan covering that under work expenses. But she needed to be sensible, and renting somewhere without a job would be a mistake.

“You can. You will need to pay rent while you’re here.”

“Of course. Just let me know how much. It wont be for long, it’s just a few weeks. It’ll be like I won’t even be there, if I’m not interviewing I’ll be in my bedroom.”

“Fine. Let me know when you plan to arrive.” She sounded bored of the conversation already.

“I’ll be back April twenty fourth. I can send you the train details then.

“See you then.”

The difference between the call with her mother and a call with Grace just cut the wound in her chest even harder. Grace never let a call end without a million “I love you”s between them. She made sure that Em spoke to everyone in the family, and if Joe was out at the garage she took a message and told Em that he loved her. Instead her mother hadn’t even asked if Em wanted to leave a message for her father.

It felt so, so wrong.

The list of things she had to do before the boys left for Italy was beginning to shrink, but there was still so much to do. She ignored Blake and Michael’s texts, refusing to even open them. The chats were archived so the red dots didn’t irritate her. Dan didn’t send her anything at all, yet more proof that he meant everything he said in Melbourne. He was done with her. She didn’t realise that emotional pain could hurt this much. She’d never believed in soulmates, never believed in fate. She always thought that if a relationship ended she’d get through it. But now? This not quite a relationship over? It ached to her core.

Friday morning she had an appointment with a solicitor, walking in with a tear stained sheet of what she wanted to leave to different people. She’d always fought with Dan about being prepared if something happened to him, not wanting to know what he left her. She was one of the two people who could decide what medical treatment he got if he couldn’t consent. She’d cried when he told her that day in Spa when they got that tragic news what he wanted if he was in a crash like that. That he trusted her to not let him stay on machines. Some of her nightmares included his plaintive “I don’t want false hope” that made her ache.

She didn’t trust her parents to not do the same for her. They’d keep her hooked up to machines for as long as possible, they’d insist it was for “hope”. Em didn’t know what hope, but she knew them. They’d barely spoken for five years apart from occasional texts and birthday cards, they didn’t have the right to decide what happened to her.

It was a blustery Friday morning when she walked into that office and signed the papers to say Daniel Ricciardo, Blake Friend, and Michael Italiano were the people who decided what would happen if she couldn’t make her own medical decisions. She gave the lawyer the makeshift will that was handwritten and tearstained. It was simple - her cookbooks and exercise equipment to Michael because he was always trying to adapt her recipes. All but one piece of her furniture to Blake. Her CDs and DVDs to Dan, along with the coffee table he kept falling over. Her collection of Dan’s raceworn helmets to Isaac and Isabella. Dan, Grace, and Michelle were to divide her jewellery between them based on who wanted what. The rest of her belongings were to be sold and the money put in Isaac and Isabella’s college funds. It was too easy.

Even after everything that had happened, even after walking away, she trusted her boys more than she trusted anyone else in the world.

After all of that her final task was to organise her storage unit and movers. That was easiest of all if Em was honest. A call to a moving company who agreed to put everything in the unit without her there, and walking into a storage company. She signed a two year contract and paid the full rent then and there, surprising the man at the counter. Now she was able to disappear.

The texts kept coming from Blake and Michael. WhatsApp and iMessage, even a signal account she’d forgotten she had on her phone. Michael sent her instagram DMs so she deleted the app instead of trying to avoid reading them and appearing online. But finally it was Wednesday and she knew exactly when the boys were flying out of London City Airport. She’d organised the private flight for them, booked the plane and made sure the flight was as clean as possible. As soon as they’d take off her plan could start.

Walking back into her apartment felt too normal, just checking her post and finding it mostly full of letters from Blake. Get in touch, we’re worried, we miss you. Sentiments she knew he’d share but it would be easy for him to forget about her. The letters went out in recycling and she began to pack up her life.

The boxes were settled easily. Storage, donating, and Dan’s stuff. The ones for him filled quickly, clothes and accessories and things he’d left lying around the apartment that had become theirs instead of just hers. It took three boxes to get rid of the sense of him.

The storage boxes were easier, but the final thing she had to do at four that Sunday morning was decide what to do with her helmet wall. Ever since Monaco and his win, Dan had given her his race worn helmet for any new race design. She could name which race each of them was from, and in the middle was her Monza win one. McLaren had wanted it for the MTC but Dan refused to give it over, insisting it was his and he was keeping it. They got the trophy so he got the helmet. And then he put it in the middle of the IKEA shelves that they’d spent a weekend putting together and laughing.

Part of her - a large part if she was truly honest - wanted to donate them. Get rid of them for the clean break she insisted she needed. But she couldn’t. They were the good parts of the last four years, the best part of her life and the reminder that for years she got to love Daniel Ricciardo and travel the world with her best friends. Once she was settled somewhere she’d put them all back up to get her and explain to whoever asked that she was a part of Formula One for a short while, and it meant so much to her.

It took longer than she expected to get them wrapped carefully and boxed away. Two just about fit in one box, but they were light at least. When they were carefully labelled with the races, a tear falling from her eye when she wrote Monaco 2018 on a box in looping letters, she sat down to write notes to her boys. They deserved more than a resignation email and leaving without saying goodbye but if she saw them in person she wouldn’t walk away. She was barely strong enough to do that the first time. Em couldn’t do it again.

Dan’s took the longest. It started with anger. How could you make me love you when you didn’t love me back scrawled angrily, tears staining the lined pages as she wrote everything. But she couldn’t give it to him how she’d written it. She couldn’t deliberately hurt him. It wasn’t Dan’s fault that she’d fallen in love with a man who couldn’t love her back the way she wanted him to love her. It was her fifth draft, still tear stained, that was the one she was giving him.

Danny,

I’m sorry I didn’t say this in person but I couldn’t do it. We both know that things between us haven’t been working for a while. It’s nobody’s fault. I guess we just wanted different things. It happens to us all. But we’re both done and writing this is easier than another long conversation and another fight.

Go be happy. I’ll cheer you on from wherever I end up, no matter what. You’ve changed so many lives, mine included. Thank you for the amazing years and experiences. You let me do things that so few people ever get to do and I can’t thank you enough for that.

Emma

Michael and Blake’s were harder and easier. She only needed one attempt at them, trying to wipe the tears before they fell.

Blakey,

I’m sorry for leaving like this. I’m sorry for leaving you in the lurch, but I made sure that everything logistically is booked until the summer break. Just get him where he needs to be on time, you were always better at that than me.

I love you. You’re my big brother and i wasn’t going to make you choose between me and Dan, that was never going to be fair. I’ll be happy and I want you to be happy too. Find a girl and settle down or bring her around the world. I’m rooting for you the entire time.

Will you make sure everyone in the paddock knows I love them? Tell Chloe and Scotty to get their wedding planned. Chloe will be the most beautiful bride and I’m so sorry I won’t get to see her in person. Scotty will look ok, I guess.

Thank you for everything.

Love,

Ems

PS - the extra key is for my storage unit. A1 Storage in Wimbledon. Figured you’d be a good person to have it.

She folded Blake’s letter into an envelope and labelled it before writing the last one. Somehow this was the hardest, having to ask Michael to do what she couldn’t.

Mike,

I’m sorry for leaving and I’m sorry for asking you to pass a message on but I know you will. I love you so much. You made lockdown bearable even when I was being a bitch, and you made me actually enjoy exercising you cruel man.

Tell everyone that I love them and I’m sorry? You let me know exactly what a family is and how I deserve to be loved and that’s something I can never thank you enough for. Ever. I can’t make people decide between me and Dan. He wins every time and that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s easier if I just leave.

Tell Grace and Joe I love them and I will forever be grateful for their love and support. Let Michelle know that she’s the best big sister ever. Please make sure that Isaac and Isabella know that I love them no matter what. It’s not their fault I left and I will always love them. Whoever gets to be their auntie is the luckiest person in the world and I wish it got to be me.

Tell all your family I love them, and ti voglio bene to Nadia and your Nana. I love you all so much, and I’m cheering you all on from wherever I end up.

Love,

Em

When the movers came she handed them the key to the storage unit, letting them know what to do. Everything was out of the apartment in a few moments and Em took a last look around her almost empty apartment. The memories were suffocating. Dan tripping over the coffee table, the London lockdown when they got back from Australia and they lied to Michael about what the yoga mat’s primary purpose was. The way Dan danced with her in the dark kitchen, distracting her from finding food for them in the fridge and getting them to sway in the silence. The kisses and living together like he loved her the same way she loved him.

He’d been blowing up her voicemail since Wednesday and she deleted them I listened to. The first “Emmy” hurt her too much, so she decided to practice self preservation for once. As soon as her voicemail said “you have an unlistened to voicemail from Dan” it was deleted. The same with Blake and Michael. She couldn’t do it.

Finally it was time to leave, and she carried Dan’s boxes one at a time into Blake’s apartment. The three were stacked one atop the other, the letters on top of them. Em stared at her thumb, at the moon ring that had been there since Dan bought it for her calling her his moon on dark nights. She couldn’t bear to take off the three necklace hanging on her chest, but this she had to leave behind. She wasn’t his moon, and he was too bright to be her sun.

She slipped it off and rubbed her finger against the warm gold, pushing a kiss to it before stepping back. The final thing she needed to do was leave the envelope with her medical power papers and will on Blake’s coffee table before she locked the front door and slipped his keys in his post box. It was done. She was gone.

The tube to Euston was quicker than expected and she joined the trek to the Liverpool train, settling into her seat a few minutes before they were due to pull out. Her phone lit up with a notification that the race was about to start, illuminating the photo from lockdown of her and Dan holding Isaac and Isabella. They looked like a family. Em unlocked her phone and pushed her thumb firmly down on the F1 app to delete it. A clean break.

The train pulled off exactly at two, her mind echoing Crofty’s “lights out and away we go”. Dan was in the car and racing and all she wanted was a good points finish for him. But she couldn’t check. She couldn’t let herself find out what he was doing.

Her tears fell harder as the train pulled into Milton Keynes, the memories of the last time she’d done this train journey as Dan’s plus one. His leaving Red Bull party, staying in a hotel with him the week before they flew to Perth for Christmas. It was the only time she’d gotten to visit the impressive Red Bull factory. Meeting Max properly, Christian cornering her with his wife - and keeping her cool around Geri fucking Halliwell - to ask if she could convince Dan to come back. Getting whisked away from Helmut quickly when he tried to speak to her, meeting the mechanics and team that she’d seen at several races properly for once. Yet another place she could never visit again because all she’d think about was Dan.

Em made herself stop crying shortly after, pushing a cold bottle of water to her eyes. She couldn’t be red eyed or puffy seeing her parents. It was bad enough returning with her tail between her legs. She didn’t know if she’d survive the I told you so.

*

When Dan got out of the car in Imola he knew what he had to do. His first stop was being weighed and getting his slip, Mike pushing one of those AG1 drinks into his hand to down to get electrolytes and water back into him. After that it was media rounds, apologising to Carlos, and doing media. Once the debrief was finished it was London. He needed to get to Emmy. For the second time he’d gotten on a plane when he should have been with her and he needed to apologise. Needed to make things right.

“The jet will be ready when we finish? I need to get back to London tonight.” Michael handed him a McLaren branded shirt and pair of skinny jeans to put on once he was out of the shower.

“It’ll be ready. Mate, you need to know that she might not want—“

“She’ll see me. It’s Em. She’s my Emmy. She’s going to see me and I’m going to tell her everything. I can’t do this without her. I can’t. I dunno how I did it before.”

“Ok. Go shower and head out.”

The debrief was painful. Lando on the fucking podium, Dan last. They wrote off his technical debrief after the collision. It was clear Dan couldn’t have done anything, and the rest of his race was nothing to write home about. He should have just retired. It was shit and he just had to listen to how Lando had a flawless race and was extracting the most out of the tractor McLaren had built. He had to wait until it was over, half listening and taking notes while stewing.

All he could think about was Emmy. He hadn’t reached out because he thought she needed space, wanted time. He’d had the fucking ring in his pocket in the hotel room and then they’d fought and he couldn’t exactly get on one knee and ask her to marry him after that. But now she was gone and she’d been gone for weeks and he didn’t know. He needed her to be ok. He needed to go home and see her on the couch and beg for her forgiveness because he was hers. His apartment was so fucking lonely, driving in and out of the factory without seeing her. Without going to sleep curled up beside her and waking up with the fairy lights glowing as she read whatever dog eared book she was rereading that month.

The voicemails were being listened to. Her inbox went from full to empty and he kept texting, determined to get through to her. Needing her to talk to him. To say anything at all. People kept asking where she was, he laughed it off and gave the excuse of family stuff. Natalie had nodded and said she hoped Em would be back soon. Chloe had looked at him oddly when she heard the excuse but he shrugged and moved on. The elder Stroll could be terrifying and he didn’t want to get on her bad side. Not even Scotty could save him from that.

There was nothing he could do but wait to be freed. The moment they were able to break - after Dan apologised to the mechanics for the job they’d have to do on the car - he was on his way to the driver room. Blake and Michael were already there with bags packed and ready to go.

It was a two hour flight to London and they landed at nine. After forcing their way through traffic in a black cab it was after nine thirty by the time they arrived at Blake and Em’s building. Dan stepped out of the car and grabbed his bags, heading straight upstairs to the two identical doors. He didn’t realise when it became more normal to stand in front of Em’s door than Blakes, but it had years before. He knocked twice to no response.

“Em? I’ve got my key, I’m coming in.”

The lock turned easily with the familiar key and Dan set his bags down to flick the light switch. What he saw terrified him.

The room was empty. The couch that killed his back, the coffee table his shins hated, gone. The bookshelves and the kitchen table they’d spent a lockdown day building, gone. Her helmet collection was missing. Em had once told him that if the building went on fire she would save whichever helmets she could. If they were gone, she was gone.

He ran to her bedroom but everything was missing. The fairy lights they’d taped up with double sided tape. Her bed. The throw cushions he laughed about. Even the case at the bottom of her wardrobe with the lingerie he’d bought her was gone. Her pink boots weren't there. It was like nobody had lived there for years. He couldn’t even smell her perfume in the air.

“Dan?” He hadn’t realised tears were streaming down his face when he turned to see his best mates standing in the doorway. “Mate, you need to see this.”

He followed them back to Blakes, pausing to lock Emmy’s front door. She had to come back. The idea that she wouldn’t come back was impossible.

Until he saw the boxes.

Three of them, neatly stacked almost up to Blake’s chest. There were three envelopes on them, and a glint of gold on top of one. He nearly ran to it, ignoring the post race soreness going through his body to see the ring he’d given her sitting on top of the one neatly labelled Daniel.

She’d used his first name. Emmy never used his first name unless something was wrong. He’d fucked up so badly that he didn’t want to open it.

Instead he held the ring firmly in his palm, the metal cold against his hand. She was there. She had been there and now she was gone and he didn’t know what to do. But instead he followed what Blake and Michael had done and opened his letter.

It was how impersonal it was that killed him. Em was done. She’d be fine. Thanking him for bringing her around the world and letting her work with him. She didn’t want another fight and she thought he was done with her.

She didn’t love him like he loved her and for a brief moment that made him want to die. The moments they’d shared, the times they’d said they loved each other. The times he’d held her and traced I love you down her back or against her clit when he was eating her out, desperate for her to know but too afraid to say it. The 'y’know, right?'. Everything from the last nearly four years. None of it had ever mattered because she wouldn’t have married him. He had her ring in his fucking ever present backpack and thank God he hadn’t tried to propose because she’d have said no and he’d have been humiliated.

“I guess you were right. Buying the ring was a mistake.”

His choked voice broke the silence, but it was Michael who got the next sentence in, cutting off Blake’s question about the ring.

“Mate, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“She doesn’t love me like I love her. I was wrong. I just got my heart broken so please, don’t rub it in right now?”

“Did you read any of what she wrote?”

“Yeah. She’s done. She thanked me for letting her travel with us. Like she didn’t earn her place. She signed it Emma. I was wrong, ok? I was wrong and I can’t take you rubbing it the fuck in when I think Im gonna break.”

“What happened? Because the two of you were fine in Bahrain, and then after Saudi she disappeared and skipped Perth, and she was barely in Melbourne. What happened with you?” Blake was the one who asked, Dan flopping on the couch beside him. He held out his much shorter letter for them to read.

“Things were weird when we got back after Christmas. Then we had covid and got through it. And Saudi fucking happened. With everything going on and keeping her safe I didn’t see her till after the race and she was already leaving. And in Melbourne we… We had a fight.” The memories of what he’d said were circling again, the anger between them, Em telling him to leave again. Him walking away.

“We thought that much. You didn’t even hug her goodbye.”

“She told me to leave!”

“In self preservation.” Michael’s voice was low and Dan was almost afraid of his best friend. “She said she didn’t want to make us choose between you and her, that she knew we’d pick you. So she left. I have to tell your fucking family she’s gone, by the way. She asked me to. So you’re going to tell me everything that’s happened between the two of you and we’re going to fix this. What the fuck did you do?”

He wanted to be annoyed that he was being blamed but he couldn’t blame the boys. So he let everything out.

He told them about wanting to kiss her in Blake’s that first night, of Monaco and their agreement that it was over once she left Monaco. Coffee and Silverstone and her birthday drinks. Spa and I love you when they were faced with the reality of what could happen with his job again. Em begging him to never leave her behind, that no matter what he wouldn’t leave her alone. Her dick of an ex who’d destroyed her self-esteem and meant she lost her friends. The meaning of 'Y’know, right?', the phrase that had been their mantra since 2019. That he hadn’t slept with anyone else since he’d met her because he just knew she was supposed to be his. That he’d bought the ring when they spent Christmas 2020 together but was just waiting for the right moment. And then in Saudi she’d been sobbing and he sent her away. He made Blake take her away from him. From them. He’d broken his fucking promise and again in Australia he walked away when he should have stayed in that room.

She’d picked the fight. She’d picked it so she’d be left alone and leave and the realisation of how well she fucking knew him hurt so much. She knew him like the palm of her hand and for a minute he forgot about it.

“Let me get this straight. You’ve known just how shit her family is for longer than any of us, and I’m the only one who’s actually met them. She asked for exactly one thing from you which was don’t leave her alone. And in Saudi, one of the countries she’s most scared of being away from us for any length of time, you made her go back to the hotel and stay there on her own. She begged you to stay and was sobbing and you left her to cry when she asked you to stay? I could fucking punch you right now.” He nodded at Michael’s words, shame filling every cell in his body.

“You made us leave her alone.” Blake spoke and Dan thought he was going to be sick. “In Melbourne. The morning of the race. 'Em’s going with my parents. She wants family time.' She didn’t know she was going with them, did she? Why?”

“She… I… No. We weren’t ok. I didn’t know if I could be in the car with her. Not after that night.”

“What happened?”

“I… Fuck. She kept the door between our rooms locked that whole week. But Saturday night it wasn’t locked. I had a habit of just trying it, just in case. It was open and I went in. I just lay down on the edge of the bed and watched her sleep for a while before falling asleep. I left before she woke up. She didn’t know, she was asleep the whole time.”

“You think our Ems was asleep for a full night before a fucking race? Are you an idiot? Did you get brain damage in that crash today? She doesn’t fucking sleep! You slept in the same bed as her for four fucking years and you don't know that? She’s into me for melatonin every damn night because she can’t sleep worrying about you. She was awake that entire night and you left her without saying a goddamn word and then you abandoned her again. Again, Dan. Don’t tell me you did something stupid and cheated on her like her fucking ex.”

“I never cheated. I haven’t touched another woman.” The thought made him sick. “I’m not that asshole. You know I’m not.”

“I don’t mean to be funny Dan. She lived beside me for nearly five years. She’s my friend. And now her apartment is for rent, your shit is here, and she’s told us all goodbye and to give messages to the people she loves. So you might not have cheated on her, but you broke her. It took us four years to help Em feel like herself again and put her pieces back together and you broke her.” Blake was opening another envelope mixed in with the post on his coffee table that Em had left in as he spoke, eyes widening slightly. Before he could get the words out Michael had to.

“You’re telling your family, by the way.” His voice was solid, a way Dan had never heard before. “She asked me to tell them but I can’t. I can’t break those kids hearts and tell them their auntie Emmy loves them forever but she can’t see them again. I can’t tell your sister that she’s lost a sister, and I can’t tell your parents that you ran off the woman they want you to marry. That the woman your mum teaches family recipes to had to leave, because you fucked up that much. You know she’s their second daughter, right? Even before whatever the fuck you’ve been doing started they adored her. From Monaco. Em’s lost the only decent mother she’s ever had because of you. She didn’t want to make us choose but if she was here right now I’d choose her over you any day.”

“If you think she doesn’t love you, read this.” Blake held out a package of papers, Dan skimming them.

Everyone in his line of work was familiar with leaving a will behind. The fucking academies basically demanded it at this point. He’d put Emmy on his own medical power of attorney form after Spa, told her what he was leaving her when she was ready for that conversation after Roman nearly died in Bahrain. 

But Emma wasn't racing cars every weekend, so she didn't need the papers she signed. She didn't need to leave a will behind, but his name was there to make decisions for Em. She’d left him specific things. The cold fear snaked up his spine, tightening around his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

“She wouldn’t. She won’t do anything stupid. It’s Em, she wouldn’t.” The words came out as a rush but certain. She wouldn’t hurt herself. God, he couldn’t live with himself if she did.

“It’s probably just a precaution. But Jesus Christ, Dan. She’s gone. We have no idea where she is, we don’t even know what country she’s in. We don’t know what kind of head start she has and with the amount of frequent flier miles she has she could be anywhere. We can probably cross off here and Australia, but that doesn’t take away much.” 

“I need to leave.” Dan turned to see Michael pick up his bag. “I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk. I’ll email you workout plans. She’s my fucking sister, Dan. She’s my little sister and I trusted you knew what you were doing with her. She said goodbye to me and I didn’t even know. You… I can’t look at you right now. I’m this close to quitting too because I don’t know you anymore. The Dan I grew up with? He would have said something. He wouldn’t make the woman he kept saying he was going to make his wife run away. He wouldn’t make her feel unloved. Just work out what you’re going to do. I’ll be on the plane to Miami but I don’t know if I’ll see you before then.” Dan watched as his oldest friend, the man he’d known since primary school, who’d supported him through thick and thin, walked out of the apartment into the London night.

“She’s gone. She’s really gone and she’s not coming back. I… I have to find her, Blake. I can’t do this without her.”

“You need to work out what you’re doing. You need to tell your family she’s gone. You need to do your job. We’re all hurting right now and yeah your heart is breaking. But its my job to do tough love and tell you that you need to work first and then think about her.” He stared at Blake in shock. “I’m pissed. But work first. Em somehow managed to take everything off my plate when she was leaving, because she didn’t want to make things hard on me. Go home, Dan. I have to call Chloe Stroll and tell her Em’s not coming back.”

“Not yet. Please. Let me f—“

“I’m telling her. You can hide it from the media, from your family, whatever. Chloe is Em’s best friend outside us. Do you really think she hasn’t tried calling Em already? Really?” Dan nodded once. “Go home. Your place, not the empty apartment next door you called home. Go home and get your shit together. Em would kill you if you fucked up a race over her.”

Dan got an Uber on his phone, taking his bags downstairs along with his letter from Em. He slipped the moon ring onto his little finger, settling it just above the sun. He needed her back. He just didn’t know how to find her.

[alittlebitofloveliness]

hiii idk if ur still taking requests or not but if u are literally any kind of darry angst would be amazing 🤗🤗

Hi anon! This is a bit more Curtis brothers angst but Darry centric exploring what might have happened if the Curtis parents died two years earlier. Please lmk what you think!

***********

“Please” Darry begs, “I’ll be eighteen in a month. A month! I swear I can take care of them. Please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry,” the social worker says, and to her credit she does sound like she means it, “Since you're almost eighteen and because you’ve provided me with adequate proof you can support yourself I’m going to allow you to remain here at this time, but Sodapop is only fourteen and Ponyboy just turned twelve. They need a real guardian.”

“I can be their guardian,” Darry vows. It’s wrong they’re even having this conversation. His college acceptance letter sits on his desk, his football trophies on the shelf and yet he’d give all of it away in a heartbeat for this crackpot old woman to see sense, to understand that he’s just lost both of his parents and he cannot lose his brothers too. Why doesn’t she understand that? “You said it yourself, I can support myself. I can support them too. The lawyer said Mom and dad left me the house. I can officially claim it in a month, and I can cover bills until then. I already got three offers for another job, and I know how to cook and clean and drive-”

“Darrel,” the social worker cuts him off firmly but kindly, “this has nothing to do with whether or not you are capable. In fact, from what I’ve seen, and the frankly remarkable job you’ve done holding your family together I’d be more than happy to help you petition for guardianship of your brothers at a later time, if it’s still something you feel strongly about doing, but the fact of the matter is that almost eighteen is not the same as eighteen. You are not a legal adult, and you cannot be your brothers’ legal guardian until you are. It doesn’t matter how responsible or adult you are right now. It can’t happen.”

“Please,” Darry implores, “you can’t take them. We just lost mom and dad, I can’t lose them too.”

“I really am sorry,” she says, “and I mean it when I say I will help you try and get guardianship in a month. But I can’t let them stay with you right now, and honestly? Maybe it’s a good thing. I know you love your brothers but guardianship would mean putting your life on hold until Ponyboy turns eighteen- eight years from now. You couldn’t go to college, travel, do much of anything really. This month will give you time to think that over, decide if it’s something you’re truly prepared to do.”

Anger, bright and hot as a supernova bursts in his chest.

“I would do anything to keep them. Anything. I don’t want college or sports or nothing if it means they’d be stuck in some foster home with people who don’t care anything about them.”

“We make sure all our foster parents are vetted very carefully-”

“Yeah, sure,” Darry scoffs, “I know a dozen kids who grew up in the foster system. I’m sure all those bruises were just from kids being kids, especially the handprints. With all due respect, I think you’ve forgotten what part of town you're in. East side kids never end up in the good homes.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Save your apologies,” Darry chokes, ashamed to feel hot tears start to prick his eyes, “it’s clear your mind is made up and ain’t nothing I can do to change it.”

“I promise you, I will help you try and get them back. As soon as you're eighteen.”

“I’ll call you the minute the clock hits midnight on my birthday,” Darry threatens, “see if I won’t.”

“That’s fair,” the social worker smiles but Darry refuses to smile back. He hates her, for all she is trying to be as kind and helpful as she can. She’s going to take his brothers away. To him, she can only ever be a villain, “you guys can stay together here one more night while I sort out placements for Ponyboy and Sodapop. I’ll be back at ten tomorrow morning. Do you want to tell your brothers or should I?”

Well Darry sure as hell isn’t going to break their hearts, and Ms. Summers has done a good enough job already of shattering what remained of his own.

“You do it,” he spits, “I ain’t gonna ruin their lives.”

Her sympathy has run deep enough that pity now reigns on her face and she ignores his attitude, the way she has ignored all his attitude so far. It’s more than he probably deserves. He still hates her for it.

“No,” Soda says before Ms. Summers has even finished explaining, his brown eyes shining with a primal sort of fear that puts another crack in Darry’s already broken heart. Soda was made to be grinning, not meant to ever look so terrified, “no you ain’t puttin’ me in no foster house. Me’n my brothers are stayin’ right here, together, thank you very much.”

“I’m afraid I wasn’t asking,” Ms. Summers says, still talking in that infuriatingly gentle tone. 

Soda- easygoing, sweet Sodapop, who called ladies ma’am without fail, who everyone adored- glares at her, backing away the way a cornered animal might.

“I ain’t going! I ain’t! And you ain't taking Pony neither! Darry ain’t gonna let you take us, right Dar?”

He looks at him, brown eyes wide and desperate in his face, and Darry knows things will never be the same after this because it’s his job to protect Soda and Pony, always has been and always will be, and yet right now he is failing to do just that and Soda may never forgive him for it.

“Soda…”

“No!” He’s crying now, tears running freely down his face as he clutches Ponyboy close to his side, arm falling protectively around their baby brother’s tiny shoulders because Pony- whose eyes are the same sort of haunted they’ve been since mom and dad died, and whose face shows nothing but terrified resignation- hasn’t hit his growth spurt yet. Because he’s twelve. Only twelve.

“I know this is hard for you” Ms Summers continues, “and I’m going to do my best to make sure you and Ponyboy get placed together, but you can’t stay with Darry right now.”

“Why not? He’s good at bein’ a guardian. Shit, I’ve eaten more vegetables in the last week than I ever did when mom and Dad were alive-

“Because Darry isn’t eighteen.” Ms. Summers cuts him off, “and you need to be at least eighteen for the government to consider granting guardianship.”

“I’m gonna get you back,” Darry promises, ignoring the social worker and instead locking eyes with his brothers, first Soda, then Pony, “I swear it, as soon as I turn eighteen I’m gonna get you back and you can come home and we’ll all be together again. But we gotta behave if I’m gonna have any chance at all, so please stop arguin’. I don’t like this any more than you do but we gotta-” he clears his throat, “we gotta play ball, ok kiddo? We gotta do what we’re told.”

Soda gives the social worker one more murderous glance, but pulls himself together, a mask of eerie calm overtaking his features. “Fine.”

“Ill see you all tomorrow then. I can show myself out.” Ms Summers offers them one last pitying smile as she shuts the door behind her. 

As soon as she’s gone Soda is on top of him, crying so hard he can hardly breathe,. Pony is clutching his other side so hard he might have bruises, and Darry wraps them both in his arms, wishing he could keep them here forever where they would be safe and he could help them relearn how to be happy. It’s somehow the worst and best moment of his life. On the one hand they’re still blissfully here with him. On the other hand, they won’t be for long.

“I’m sorry,” belatedly Darry realizes he’s crying too, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I tried everything, she wouldn't let me keep you, I tried, I tried.”

Pony just hugs him harder, burying his face in his chest and Soda wails.

Eventually they all stop crying, but the mood in the house is somber. The gang comes around, moods dampening one by one as they hear the news, and Darry makes chocolate cake for dinner since there’s no point in making healthy food if the social workers are taking the boys anyway. In the end it doesn’t matter- none of them have much of an appetite, even for cake.

He walks in on Steve and Soda plotting to run away together before the social worker comes. Talks them out of it by reminding them that he’ll never get guardianship if Soda goes truant while still technically in his care. Eventually, the gang leaves and the it’s the three of them once more, crowded together on the living room couch in an unspoken agreement. None of them want to sleep, unwilling to miss even a second that they have left together.

“Darry?” Pony whispers, his head resting on Darry’s shoulder.

“Yeah, bud?”

“I’m scared.”

“I know,” Darry says, heat clenching, “I’m scared too.”

A few minutes later Pony’s weight drops a little more against him and he starts to snore, out cold. Darry pulls him a little closer, plants a kiss on the top of his wild hair. 

“Soda?” Darry says softly a few minutes later, careful not to wake Pony.

“Hmm,” Soda blinks at him sleepily, “yeah Dar?’

“Promise me you’ll take care of him,” he glances down at Ponyboy’s peaceful face. Asleep like this he looks downright childlike, “and yourself too, savvy? I’m sorry- I’m sorry I can’t do it myself, but you gotta be strong for me, alright? Just for a month or two until I get you back.”

“I promise,” Soda vows, “he’ll be safe with me, I’ll make sure of it. No matter where they put us.”

“I know you will, little buddy.”  Darry sighs. 

Soda sniffs. “I’m really gonna miss you, Dar. it ain’t right, takin’ me from my big brother when we just lost our folks. It ain’t right.”

“I’ll get you back,” Darry promises again, because what else is there to say, really? “I’ll talk to the president himself if I have to but I swear I’ll get you back.”

“I know you will,” Soda tells him, eyes shining. 

They don’t talk for the rest of the night.

The morning dawns with a sunrise that mocks them with it’s beauty and a buttery sunshine that illuminates the sorrow on all their faces when Mrs. Summers shows up and they all have to say goodbye. The gangs around, everyone but Dallas who got jailed two days ago, and Pony and Soda take their time with their goodbyes. When Soda reaches Darry, he hugs him tight for a second, and gets chocked up trying to say something three times before he gives up. Pony hugs Darry with a strength he rarely sees from the kid, and Darry tells him over and over that he loves him because when things get tough that’s the sort of thing Ponyboy forgets.

Then they leave, Mrs. Summers' blue Toyota rounding the corner, and a big part of Darry’s heart goes with them.

He goes back inside. Steve and Two-bit both follow him, casting him concerned looks, but he can’t deal with their worry right now. He has twenty eight days before his birthday to compile an airtight case as to why he’s the perfect guardian for a teenager and a preteen boy, and three job offers on his desk that can make that case a lot more airtight than it currently is.

It’s time to get to work.

[inafieldofstarflowers]

Top five reasons you (yes, you) should watch Star Wars Rebels:

Immaculate found family energy—these characters have a home together. They know each other’s strengths and weaknesses and support one another in achieving the things that are important to them, and their relationships drive the show in a way that feels incredibly genuine.

Character depth—Rebels genuinely has some of the best character development of any Star Wars property I’m familiar with. Each of the characters gets a chance to grow in some way, whether that’s gaining perspective of the world or understanding something new about themselves. They are well fleshed out and consistent. It’s also such a cool look into both what it meant to be a Jedi in the rebellion era, between iterations of the Jedi order, and what it meant to not be a Jedi but still fight in the rebellion. I love that Rebels tells both stories and doesn’t favor one or the other.

Quality Lore—Rebels has a clear trajectory: you get to watch the cast progress from being one of many isolated rebel cells to helping create a unified rebellion. And yet, the show never loses sight of its roots, and the heart of the show stays grounded on Lothal, the planet where it began, and Lothal becomes something of a symbol throughout the show. Also, in terms of broader Star Wars lore, SO many important items or people have their stories told—you get lots of nods to or arcs centered around the darksaber, the mortis gods, the rebellion, darth maul, and more, all of which enrich the experience of watching a lot of the other movies and shows.

Cool visuals—I know a lot of people are turned off by the animation style, especially the saber size, and wish it was like Clone Wars. But Rebels honestly has really beautiful art, and you see a variety of cool planets along the way (Lothal is especially pretty imo).

Compelling villains—This is big for me personally, because to me, Star Wars thrives most when it has a good villain—think Vader and Palpatine; think Maul and Pong Krell. And Rebels has multiple villains who are believably threatening and also work incredibly well in terms of adding to the plot.

Give Rebels a chance; it’s truly incredible, and also just so genuinely fun. Whether you’re a fan of TCW who was thrown by the animation or a fan who just watched Ahsoka and wants to learn more about these characters or a fan who hasn’t dipped into the tv shows, you should ABSOLUTELY watch it. I promise you get used to the sabers being animated differently, and that the characters continue to gain depth throughout.

[heyidkyay]

And if it weren't this dark |

(Tip of the tongue but I can't deliver it properly)

Part One

A/N: hey, a short Alex one for you! it's been in my drafts for a while now, and isn't proofread but I figured I'd just post it and see if anyone likes it, first time writing for him so bare with me..

Summary: You and Alex have been together for ages and it's been so incredible, only now things have changed and you're struggling to tell him just how you feel.

Warning: angst- but also a bit of fluff so, lack of communication

Part Two

--

I’d been dropping hints.

JESUS CHRIST had I been dropping hints.

There wasn’t a day gone by that I hadn’t thought about it finally happening. But as I mentioned, I’d been dropping hints only, they hadn’t been hitting.

So either I was relatively shit at this whole charade or… Alex was just utterly clueless.

I was leaning more towards the latter. But maybe I was simply biased, because over the last coming weeks my hints hadn’t been all that subtle.

I mean, only the other day we’d been on the way to my sister’s house for tea- she’d recently gotten engaged and mum had wanted to celebrate the only way my family really knew how. With good food. 

But neither Alex or I had remembered to pick up the wine we’d promised beforehand, and so we’d popped into the local Tesco’s on the drive over to pick up a few bottles. And whilst we’d been perusing- as you do- we’d somehow found ourselves wandering down the baby aisle.

Yes, the baby aisle. Because that was what I’d been waiting on. A baby. Or rather, a fucking good shag that then led to a baby.

Because, let’s be honest, I really wasn’t one to turn down a good time, far from, but these last few weeks there had been something else I’d been rather hoping for.

Everyone (and I mean everyone!!) around us was either settling down, buying homes, building families, or getting engaged. And Alex and I, well we’d been together for years and yet, nothing.

No ring. No big day planned. No talks of the future. Nada.

Nothing.

And I could honestly say that I wasn’t the type that needed that kind of security voiced or announced.

Truly. 

When Alex and I had first gotten together, I’d only realised that we were properly seeing each other when some other lad at a house party had tried to pull me. I’d never seen Alex so possessive, and it had been proper cute and a tad bit funny in the moment. He’d ‘staked his claim’- how cliche and chauvinistic, yes I know- but that was what had quickly taken us from Y/n and Alex, to Y/nandAlex. Which had suited me quite fine.

So yeah, him and I, since then had always sort of relied on our actions to simply show how we were feeling. 

Like when we’d first moved in together. There’d not been much of a discussion about it, my flat had quickly become the first place Alex would come back to after touring, his stuff had just started taking up space- washing in the dryer, dirty trainers in the hallway- and then he’d started calling it home. ‘Let’s head home, shall we?’ and ‘We’ll be home soon, darling.’ 

And that was all lovely. I adored having that kind of connection with him. 

But there were times when I desperately wished he would open up a little more about what he was thinking. Because although I could read him like an open book most days- his emotions especially- there were far and few times in between when I just felt so lost.

Like recently, I supposed.

I feel like we’ve been on the same page for so long, only now I’m ready to turn anew, start another chapter. Together.

But Alex? I have no fucking clue what he wants.

In all honesty, I think he’d be rather content to just carry on as we have been for the rest of eternity. No talk, no hashing things out. Have Christmas dinner with his parents, spend Boxing Day with mine. New Years in London, back home in time for spring. Same order from the local kebab, Friday nights stay reserved for one another.

And that would be it.

Lost to this routine.

Not that I was expecting a proposal or some grand gesture. I wasn’t much into the idea of any of that! No, just- I wanted more, you know?

I wanted that family I’d always dreamt about, that house we’d quickly make a home. I wanted nappies and nightly feeds, baby-grows which then turned into dungarees. Ten tiny little toes, someone with a cute button nose, a person made up of both him and I. 

But I just didn’t know when that would happen, or if it ever would.

So yeah- Tesco’s. Fuck, did I love to ramble! If Alex could only hear me now I supposed. 

So, as I was saying, we’d been stood in the baby aisle, Alex scrolling through his phone aimlessly, waiting for my dad to text him back a reply after we’d asked if they’d needed anything else whilst we were out. And me, staring starry eyed at the tiny socks and mittens and cute little newborn tees that were on display.

I’d said to him, almost thoughtlessly, “Imagine us having to buy all this. All these tiny little things.”

He’d just glanced up at me, smiled, hummed. Then replied, “Your dad asked if you’d pick him up some of that heartburn medication he buys. Says his acid reflux is playing up again.”

And hadn’t that just been grand? Mentioning my father’s gastrointestinal issues whilst we’d been stood surrounded by adorable little baby items, with me unsubtly referencing the image of US buying some for OUR child in the (now very obvious and very, very far) future.

Incredibly clued in, my Alex.

That hadn’t even been the worst of it though.

A few weeks back, my friend had mentioned that her and her fiancé were actively trying to conceive and I’d been so over the moon for the pair of them. All excited about the chance of having another baby to spoil rotten.

And Alex, he had been all smiles whilst congratulating them, sat comfortably beside me, but when I’d brought it up again on the drive home, he’d simply shrugged it off as though it was a thing that occurred every other day. 

Your mates starting a family. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, at least not to Alex. 

It had royally pissed me off in truth.

And I’d been a little off with him ever since, I think he knew it too.

“Love?”

I blinked out of the daze I’d let myself get lost in and looked away from the laptop screen I’d been staring at for the last, however long. I hummed quietly to him in reply, titling my head against the cushions and over towards where he was stood in the doorway.

“Been calling your name for a while now, you alright?” He quirked a brow up at me, a smug little smile limning his lips as he leant against the frame. He didn’t even know how good he looked. 

I nodded with a small smile then glanced away, back towards the email I’d just been typing. “‘M fine. Just need to get this done.”

Alex said nothing but I heard the soft shuffle of his socked feet across our wooden floors before the settee dipped beside me. He rested his chin against my shoulder, peering down at the screen.

“Just wanted to know what you fancied for tea.” Alex murmured, breath brushing against the skin of my neck. I withheld a shiver. “Figured we could order from that place round the corner.”

I rolled my lip against the other, pushing my glasses up my nose before I wrote another passage, honing all of my focus on finishing this email so that I could finally just relax for the evening.

“Whatever you want, Al. I’m not all that fussed.”

Alex leant away from me slightly, back pressing against the settee cushions, he stayed that way for a while and I could feel his presence as I continued to type away. It was only a short time later that I grinned triumphantly down at the laptop and clicked send, thankful to have it gone and out of my mind.

“All done, cherry?”

Smiling at the familiar petname, my eyes flickered over towards him. I took in the woollen jumper he wore, as well as his hair which was tousled and unkept, probably from having run his hands through it all day. I was only just able to stop myself from reaching out to tangle my fingers in it, wanting to smooth it over. 

“All done.” I murmured faintly and gifted him a tired smile.

Alex was the type to take something and run with it though, so I wasn’t all that surprised when he grinned right back at me and extended a hand out to cradle my left cheek. I leaned into his warmth for a second, allowing his thumb to brush the skin under my eye, probably from where today’s makeup had just begun to smudge. 

I inhaled after and slowly pulled away. Not paying much mind to the way Alex slumped slightly and instead opting to busy myself with putting away my laptop and clearing up the mess I’d made of the coffee table. 

I did it all quietly, picking up the two mugs of tea I’d made, one empty, the other barely touched from where I’d forgotten about it, whilst Alex watched on. The tele remote was perched on the very edge of the table and so I tossed it over towards him, padding my way into the kitchen.

“Put something on, will you? Think there’s a good film on Channel 5.” I prompted over my shoulder, glancing at him through the tramson window that had been installed shortly after the sink had sprung a leak during last tour and flooded the flat, forcing us to make do whilst the owner had remodelled.

Pressing the power up button, Alex flipped the remote around in his hand a couple of times, he looked deep in thought and so I left him be, choosing to wash up the two mugs as well as the few stray knives and forks which littered the basin. 

I hummed quietly to myself, an old song I could hardly recall the lyrics of, whilst I worked, thinking about the many things I had to get done before the weekend started. 

It was Alex’s voice which startled me from my musings actually. He was so much closer now than he’d been before when he spoke up again, I'd obviously not heard his approach.

“So, tea?” Alex questioned me with a slight furrow between his brows, he’d propped himself up against the kitchen counter about an arms width away.

“God, Al! What are you- a wraith? Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I scolded, having jumped out of my skin. I took a deep breath. “Could’ve had a heart attack or something over the kitchen sink.”

Alex chuckled lowly at me, clearly amused by my reaction, he shook his head. “Make headlines, you- woman dies whilst doing the washing up! Reckon it’ll lead to a riot- start up a petition that’ll change the way we wash dishes forever.”

I rolled my eyes, flicking a few soap duds at him in retaliation which only made him reach out towards me. I tried to evade him but he was too quick, sweeping and wrapping me up in his arms so that I couldn’t proceed to splash him any further.

“You always been this much of a weirdo?” I huffed, not making much of an effort to escape his hold even as I struggled to blow a strand of hair out of my face. 

He hummed, smiling down at me as we begun to sway. “Might’ve been. No getting rid of me now that you’ve finally realised it though.”

I playfully winced in retort, forcing out a loud put-upon sigh. “Should’ve just kept quiet and slipped out once you’d fallen asleep watching the tele.”

Alex narrowed his eyes at me, tugging me in tighter. “As if you would.” He taunted.

I simply smirked in retort and let my damp hands work their way under the soft material of his jumper. I cackled loudly at the way he shivered and jumped away from me like a frightened cat during a thunderstorm.

“Ah, you’re in for it!” Alex declared, his face a right picture.

Quick as I could, I dived to my left so that I could position the kitchen counter between us, bracing myself against it to grin over at him. “Should’ve thought twice about that before telling me what to do, Turner.”

“Minx.” Alex smirked, and then he pounced.

We spent the next however long running about the flat after that. 

He’d somehow been able to grab at me in the hallway but I’d thankfully managed to wrangle my way out of his hold, sprinting into our room to use the bed to my advantage. I rolled over it, putting a dent in the freshly made sheets but using the spare moment to take a couple- much needed- deep breaths whilst Alex waltzed slowly inside. I scowled when the door closed behind him. He flashed me a victorious smile.

“Unfair. I’m at a disadvantage.” I pouted, hoping it would soften him slightly. But when that didn’t work I resorted back to a narrow eyed glare. “Open the door, Alex.”

“I don’t think so, Angel-face. You see, I’ve got you cornered.”

I looked for another escape, Alex only growing nearer, but my only options were limited. I could either goad him and then dart towards the door, or dive out the window. 

Seeing as though I didn’t much fancy breaking my neck, I opted for the former.

“Come on, Al.” I chuckled breathlessly, perching precariously on the edge of the mattress in hopes of lowering his defences a little. “We’ve had fun, but I’m proper knackered now. Call it quits so we can have a cuddle?”

Alex glanced over at me warily, he knew me far too well but appeared to be on the verge of agreement. He slowly made his way over towards the bed, shoulders hunched, still on his guard. 

“Promise?”

I hummed my vague assent, smiling up at him softly.

He paused with squinted eyes, “You’ve gotta verbalise it, love. Don’t count otherwise.”

I tilted my head up at him, feigning confusion. But we both knew I wouldn’t say it unless I really meant it. I kept my word.

That little flaw of mine seemed to trip me up though, and we both realised it at the same time too. So as I manoeuvred my way towards the door- feeling like Kim Possible, might I add- Alex was already in motion, catching me by the hips before I could even surpass the foot of the bed.

“Alex!” I screamed, only growing louder when he threw me over his shoulder and span us around. “Put me down! Now!”

“I fucking knew it!” Alex laughed merrily, bouncing me about the place. I swatted at his back unhappily, starting to feel my stomach in my throat. “Knew you’d try something.”

“Yeah, yeah… proper clever, you. Can you put me fucking down now? Think I’m gonna yosh.”

I could only roll my eyes when he dropped me on my arse, although thankfully it was on the mattress. Huffing, I fought to tame the mess he’d probably made of my hair.

“Twat.”

Alex merely chuckled, leaning in close to tuck a strand of stray hair behind my ear. I smiled when he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“Hm, so you say.” I replied, peering up at him from where he towered over me, his hand falling to frame my jaw.

He leant in again, smiling as his lips met mine. “Had to show you who’s boss, didn’t I? Couldn’t let you get away with that.”

I gave an airy titter, pushing him away so that I could pull myself to my feet. “I could’ve had you on your arse the second you strolled in here, was just playing fair.”

He caught my wrist before I could retreat back into the living room, encasing my hand in his. I frowned slightly, looking back at him, mainly confused.

“What’s up?” I questioned him. His brown eyes flickered back and forth between my own, he looked conflicted all of a sudden, it was something you didn’t see on Alex too often which caused my frown to deepen, “Alex?” I prodded.

A small sigh escaped him and his gaze fell towards our joined hands, I let my thumb brush against the back of his own, wanting to reassure him in some way.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” I asked again, stepping closer. My other hand braced his forearm.

Alex’s eyes found mine once more and I didn’t think I had ever seen him this torn up. It threw me a bit, his demeanour had changed so quickly, it was like he’d done a total one-eighty on me.

“Think I should be asking you that question.”

I frowned at Alex’s vague reply.

“What do you mean? I’m fine, Alex. Annoyed that you won, but I’ll get you the next time.” I assured him, chuckling softly at the end. But it didn’t seem to do much.

Alex just shook his head, stepping away towards the window. He dragged a hand across his face, rubbing at his chin whilst he gazed down at the street below. 

“Al…” I tried. “Alex. Will you look at me?”

His eyes fell shut, he squeezed them as though he was trying to sort through a messy array of thoughts, of emotions.

Then he sighed. “I just don’t get you sometimes. One second you’re off with me, hardly even have the time to spare a glance my way. Then the next, we’re as happy as Larry, dancing about the kitchen, play-fighting, laughing.”

I had to look away, down towards my feet as a surge of guilt rippled through me. It wasn’t Alex’s fault that he had no idea about all the thoughts that were raging about inside my head. It wasn’t his fault that I was too scared to just come out with it. To tell him what I so does wanted. To just talk to him. 

None of the blame was on him and yet, I’d still placed it all there.

“I’m sorry.” I said, slumping down onto the edge of the mattress with a sigh. My eyes trailed over to find him staring back, his face gave nothing away. “I’ve been an utter twat. And I’ve been so fucking unfair to you. I- I don’t know, Al. I’ve just been struggling with a lot lately. But it really is nothing that you��ve done.”

Alex released a long breath, thumbing the bridge of his nose before he walked towards the bed, taking a seat beside me. We sat there in silence for a few moments, I could feel my heart hammering in my throat. Because it really was now or never. I either told him or… I got over myself. And nothing would change.

“You say you’ve been struggling.”

I angled my head over towards him upon hearing his words, Alex continued to look onwards though, his hands clasped between his knees.

He looked a lot older in that moment, and it reminded me of just how long we’d been together. I could recall a similar moment we’d shared well over a decade ago now, just before the band’s very first London gig.

Alex had spent weeks torturing himself over it, figuring that they’d be wasting their time playing to an empty room. 

It had been the night before they’d been set to leave when he’d come round mine. It’d been late. Really late, as in only mere hours before the train he’d been expected on was set to depart. 

It had just been the two of us. But that hadn’t ever been an unusual occurrence. We’d sat in silence together for a longwhile on my messy bedsheets- he’d always been the type to struggle with words. Strange for a songwriter, yeah, but unless they were accompanied by a couple chords then Alex could honestly spend a millennia searching for the right ones to use if you’d let him. 

He had spoken up eventually though. Told me what was bugging him. And I’d been the one to try and right every bad thought he’d had. Dull his racing mind. 

I’d always very much doubted his fears, about no one wanting to listen to their music outside of Sheffield. Outside of the safety net we’d grown up in. But Alex was as stubborn as I was, and so we’d spent a lot of late nights arguing about it. We’d always make up for it though come morning. 

And Alex had gone, obviously. I’d been one of the few to see the band off that morning, waving goodbye even as the train blurred and disappeared out of sight. He’d phoned me later that night after the gig, I’d heard his smile, he’d gone on this long rant about how wrong he’d been. Because the pillock had only gone and gotten carried around the venue on a sea of hands, hadn’t he?

This moment didn’t feel quite the same though. Because these fears I’d been facing, well they didn’t threaten anything outside of the four walls we’d carved for ourselves. If I told him how I felt, there was a very big chance that he might not feel the same, want the same. There was a very real chance he could just walk away.

“If it’s been so bad. Why didn’t you just come to me?” Alex asked and his eyes found mine then, that warm brown of his appeared so oddly defeated. So much so, I struggled to find a reply. 

“Just come out with it. Please. ‘Cause all this up and down, and back and forth. I don’t know if I can take much more. It’s been driving me round the bend. I hate reaching out towards you and feeling you pull further away. Kills me. Hate feeling like there’s something standing between us. ‘Cause it’s never been that way. Not with me and you.”

My throat grew tight with tears, but I wouldn’t cry, not now. Not when it was me who had caused all this.

“I know.” I had to take a deep breath to keep them at bay. To hide the strain in my voice. I pivoted so that my knee folded beneath me and I could really see his face. He followed, taking ahold of my hands. “I know, and I am sorry. Truly. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. That I let it get this bad. That I let you get so torn up. I didn’t even realise.”

Alex pulled me into an embrace, hand holding the back of my neck as I buried my face in his. Because that was the man Alex was, he put me above everything else. Including himself.

“It’s fine, sweetheart.” He hushed, thumb brushing over the top of my spine. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”

I did know that. But still.

“I don’t want to lose you, Alex.”

That probably hadn’t been the best thing to say. Alex all but flung himself back, alarm swimming in his eyes as he levelled me with a long look.

“Lose me? What’s that meant to mean? Why would you lose me?”

A tear fell then, followed by a couple more. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, willing them away, hating the thought of seeing him so distraught.

“Y/n. Love. Please, you’re actually beginning to scare me now. Tell me what’s happened.”

I tried to look away. I didn’t want to do this, not here not now, but his fingers grasped my chin, tugging me back to face him.

A sob spilled from my lips and I crumpled slightly, his hands jumped up to my shoulders, struggling to hold me up.

“What could have you this worked up?” He stressed, shaking me slightly. “Just tell me, because all the fucking things I’ve got racing through my head. I- Put me out of my misery at least. Please.”

It took all the strength I had to peer up at him, eyes red and raw. “I want more, Alex. I want more than just this.”

After I’d said it, I wanted to take all my words back. The hurt that flashed across his face felt like a sharp slap to mine. He started to move, to stand. And I realised he was about to leave.

“Al. Alex.” I called, tried. Clutching at his arm. “Alex, please! Just listen, will you?”

He wasn’t having it. Shaking his head at me as he stormed his way out of the bedroom.

“I can’t believe you’ve just said that.”

It was like a punch to the gut, hearing the upset that lined his voice. His back was to me as I chased after him, I’d ever seen him like this.

“I didn’t mean it! Not like that! Not in the way it sounded.”

“Like fuck you didn’t mean it, Y/n!” Alex shouted, and I caught a glimpse of his face when he went to tug his jacket off the hanger by the front door. 

I could count the times I’d seen Alex cry on one hand. But right then, there were tears in his eyes.

“Alex.” I pleaded with him.

A deathly silence fell between us, I watched his shoulders sag before he turned back around towards me. I wanted nothing more than to hold him again. Take away all his pain, the pain I’d caused.

“If you leave right now, I’ll never forgive you.” I choked out, “Please don’t leave. Please.”

He stared at me. Long and hard.

“Tell me the truth then.”

His voice was nothing but a strained whisper. He looked so tired, arms slumped helplessly by his sides.

I swallowed thickly. Hands fisted against my chest.

Alex scoffed at me then and ran a hand over his face, rubbing at his stinging eyes. He shook his head and went for the latch.

I felt my eyes fall close. It was now or never, I supposed. He was leaving either way.

“I want a baby, Alex.”

[finelinevogue]

don’t break my heart this year

summary - you break up with Harry but you live to regret the decision

warnings: self-deprecation, breakup, anxiety, family death, depression, but also fluff and a happy ending, i am one with hurt-comfort fics :)

pairing: ex-boyfriend!harry x reader

word count: +7.2k

It hadn't even been a year since you'd broken up with Harry and yet it still haunted you.

There wasn't a day that went past where you thought about how your life could've been so different if you had of stayed. If you had talked everything through with Harry. If you had been that little bit stronger. If you had given Harry a chance to explain how he felt.

Your breakup with Harry wasn't like most. Neither of you had cheated. Neither of you had fallen out of love with one another. Neither of you had stolen off the other. You had simply moved back home, to take care of your widowed mother and had lost contact with him. Your mum lived up in the top hills of Scotland, meaning the signal was dire. If you wanted to call anyone, including Harry, you'd have to drive at least 50 miles before hitting service.

It wasn't fair to keep Harry waiting days on end, just to have a five minute phone conversation with you. It wasn't fair that Harry couldn't see you because you lived so far away. He deserved so much more than you could give him. He deserved someone he could come home to each day, after work, and shower him with endless love. So you did what you believed was the most mature thing, and broke up with him. You drove all the way down to London to explain it to him in person, feeling like he deserved that much from you. He didn't take it well and neither did you. You left before he could ever really tell you how he felt, not having the courage to stay.

Since that day, you hadn't spoken to him. You knew it would hurt too much if you did.

Your mum wasn't doing well. Two years ago your dad had passed, due to heart problems, and your mum had taken it very hard. She was not in a good place, mentally, and you knew she needed someone to look after her. Being an only child made times like these hard.

Life had been hard recently, and it didn't seem like it was getting any better.

All your time was being devoted to looking after your mum that you hardly had any time for anything else. You were trying your best to study at online university whilst holding down tough hours at the local restaurant. Your average day would be 9-5 at university, but dipping in and out to help aid your mum in anyway you could. Then from 6pm until, normally, 1am you would work in the local pub. It was quite the drive from your mums house, but the money was needed.

In recent weeks it had gotten tougher. The work load from university had started to ridiculously pile up, to the point where when you finished at the restaurant you'd have to stay up until 5am just to finish off some readings or essays.

Your mum was worsening too. She no longer liked going outside by herself, because she was worried the "big, bad, world" might snatch her up just like it had you dad. You promised her she was okay, but she'd lost a lost confidence in herself and the world she lived in. Having a conversation with her was harder too - almost like you were losing her mentally.

All you could think about was how Harry was doing. Was he okay? Was he dealing with the breakup well? Or did it not really bother him at all? He was constantly on your mind, invading your every thought and you wished to have a moment away from him sometimes. Only sometimes though, as he quite honestly was the only thing holding you together at the moment.

As much as it pained for you to admit it, you truly hoped he'd found someone else - someone better. You knew the possibility of ever seeing him again, let alone being with him again, was shattered the moment you walked away from London. You'd left your heart with heart with Harry that day and you would be dammed if you gave it to anyone else. It was his to keep - even if he was unaware of its presence.

Tonight was just like any other night. Until it wasn't.

The pub owner, Patrick, your boss, had put you on an even longer shift today. It was getting closer to Christmas and the locals tend to come to the pub more often, sometimes even bringing relatives and friends from around the country. So today you didn't finish until 2am, having started at 5:30pm. It was tiring after a full day at uni.

You'd finished serving Alan and his friends their third round of beer for the evening, before getting back to cleaning up. It was getting close to closing time and you were beyond ready to go home now. Your mum would hopefully be in bed, but if not that would add an extra hour on before you could go to sleep.

Alan and co. luckily ended their night after round three, thanking you for your impeccable service as they left noisily.

The other staff members, who worked alongside you, had left ten minutes ago or so, claiming they had to be up early in the morning and so had to head off. If only you had the courage to say the same. You'd love to get off a little earlier, but it just wasn't practical.

As you were stacking chairs the front door chimes went off, signalling that you had a new customer. It wouldn't be an employee or Patrick because they'd all use the back entrance.

"Oh, i'm sorry we're closing." You explained, not looking over your shoulder to see who'd entered. You were focused on wiping down tables to rid them of alcohol stains, and flipping the chairs over to balance them off the tables so you could wipe the floor.

You didn't hear the sound of the door opening and closing again. Instead, you heard his voice.

"All this way and you wont let me even have one drink?" He teased you, making you freeze in your motions.

You turned around cautiously, prepared for anything because it could just honestly be your mind playing tricks on you. Maybe you were losing the plot, not your mum. How wrong you were, though. So, so wrong.

There he was, all warm and loveable. Nothing had changed really. He had a little bit of stubble, clearly proud that he had finally grown some facial hair. His curly locks were piled underneath his infamous Green Bay Packers beanie, the one you'd bought him on your trip to New York. His cheeks were a little rosy from the cold winters eve, explaining why he was also layered in clothes.

"Hi Harry." You warmly smiled, feeling a small red burn creep onto your cheeks now. You were nervous stood in front of him again and you didn't know why. It was just Harry, after all .

"Hello." He replied the same way he always does upon meeting someone. You felt like you had to shake his hand or something to break the awkward barrier you'd built, but you didn't.

You were so caught up in the beauty of him that you completely forgot you were being rude.

"Oh, i'm sorry. Would you like that drink?" You offered, after clearing your throat and dusting down your clothes, even though the last thing you wanted to do was make another drink this evening.

"I was only messing, love." Oh how you'd missed him calling you that. The mere sound of it again sent butterflies straight to the depths of your stomach. He made you feel like life was on an eternal rollercoaster and it was one that you'd never want to disembark.

"Well, I-I can't serve any food past—"

"In not here for food either." He shook his head softly, maintaining the comfortable distance between you two. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable.

"Oh. Um, then what service do you require? Are you lost, um, because we have a phone out back that—"

"I'm not lost. I'm exactly where I need to be." Harry cut you off again, a habit you'd always found annoying but now found endearing. It was like he knew your thought process better than you did. He knew what you were going to say before even you did.

"How did you even find this place?" You asked confused. You had trouble finding this place and you grew up here, so how Harry has found it was an incomplete puzzle.

"I have my ways." He smirked his signature cheeky smile, the one which you'd fallen in love with. The one you were still in love with. You laughed and shook your dead at his idiocy but also his gentle humour. You really needed it after the past few months you'd had. The past few months that you caused. The ones that broke the perfect man standing in front of you.

"Irene?" You questioned your mothers name, not being able to think of another way he'd know your location.

"Irene, yes." Harry laughed at how quick you were. "How is she?" Harry continued, wondering if she was any better from the last time you'd spoken to him about her.

"Not good." You nodded your head and tried your hardest to smile, although it felt very unconvincing sat on your face.

Harry nodded too and you knew it was his way of silently telling you that he was sorry and that he hoped everything would get better. You were having a hard time believing him though. "And you?" He asked, stuffing his hands in his coat pockets to warm them up. He didn't understand how you were only stood there in a tshirt and cardigan, on top. Your tights and skirt were nice and toasty warm, but you were chilly up top.

"Okay, yeah, um you?" You quickly brushed past his question, not wanting to delve deep in to your feelings with him right now. Harry could tell you weren't okay though, no matter how much you told him otherwise.

He noticed the tired eyes. He noticed the stressed brain. He noticed the ever-slimming figure. He noticed the messy hair. He noticed the irritated and scratched skin on the top of your wrists. He noticed the way your hands were slightly shaking and your teeth were barely chattering. He noticed it all even when you thought he didn't. You weren't okay. He knew that much and you knew it too.

"Been better." He truthfully admitted, making you feel worse than you did before. You couldn't do right for wrong and it was slowly exhausting you.

"Mhm." Was all you could reply with, not having anything else to say because he'd heard it all before when you'd gone to London. You stacked the last few chairs and a thick blanket of awkward silence filled the air. You didn't want it to be awkward, but then again you should've thought about that before breaking up with someone you could never stop loving.

"What are here for then, Harry?" You wondered, moving behind the bar to maintain a distance between you two. You decided you'd sweep the floor tomorrow, instead of tonight, just wanting to escape from this shithole now.

"For you." He firmly put it, not sugar coating anything but just providing the honest truth.

"Oh-uh," you cleared your throat again, not sure how to continue the conversation, "any particular reason?" You stupidly asked, as if you didn't know the reason he'd travelled hundreds of miles to see you.

"Well it wasn't to come and shout at you, you'll be happy to hear." He joked, but all you could do was breathe a huge sigh of relief. You don't know whether you could take the hate today, even if you did heavily deserve it.

"Yeah, that is good to hear!" You joked along with him, but knew that wasn't the tone of what he wanted to talk about either.

"Hey? How about we get out of this dark and saddening, beer smelling, pub and go somewhere a little more fresh?" Harry offered, telling that you were desperate to get out of here and literally go anywhere but here.

"You have somewhere in mind, Mr Spontaneous?" You teased him, knowing that he will be useless in finding a good spot out here. There were plenty of good hideout spots, you just have to know where to find the best ones. You'd proudly been to them all and you used them as a place to seek the calm amongst the eternal chaos.

"Actually, I do, Miss Know-It-All." He teased back, earning a stuck out tongue on your behalf to him. He was such a little prick sometimes. "Go get your stuff and let's go."

"Okay." You bit your lip in excited anticipation. This could be either the best night in your life's history, or the worst.

Running to the locker room gave you the opportunity to let out a breath that had been wildly built up inside you, without even realising. Harry was actually here, let alone in the pub but actually in Scotland. Harry had been in contact with you mum, just so he could travel across the country to talk. God knows about what - or maybe it'll be about who he's now with. You were just so incredibly happy that he was here. For so long you'd built up this idea that it would cause a war if you ever saw him again - that he'd get angry at you - but it was nothing like it. If anything, he was being overly gentle and cautious around you - like he was afraid that he'd say the wrong thing and you'd make a run for it again.

The crew room reeked of sweat and it didn't take long for you to start feeling sick because of it. You quickly grabbed your overcoat and your bag before heading back out to the main restaurant area. Harry was sat at the bar, aimlessly tossing a beer mat between his fingers. He didn't even notice your presence he was that caught up in his own thoughts.

"You ready?" You timidly asked, internally asking yourself the same question. The answer was an indefinite no.

"If you are." He nodded and warmly smiled at you, assuring you that this was okay and it was alright to feel nervous. Hell, he certainly was.

"Okay. Let's go." He let you guide him to the door, like the gentleman he is, stopping to let you turn all the lights and machinery power off. Once you were both out of the door and in to the bitter frost, you locked the door tight shut.

"It's fucking freezing up here." Harry complained, and you knew it wouldn't be the last time he made a remark like that today.

"Tell me something I don't know." You rolled your eyes at the weather, fed up of the depressing cold. Jamaica sounded lush round about now - with all the swaying palm trees, warm sandy beaches and cooling waves of the ocean. Here, it was just hills, snow, hills, rain, hills and hills.

Harry lead you to his truck. It was one you'd never seen before so most likely had hired for the duration of time he was going to be here for. You wondered where he was staying, since there were no five-star hotels out here - only Margaret and Tony's B&B. Harry would like it there though. It sat proud next to a quaint stream and you couldn't hear a car even if you tried - it was the perfect retreat for a critically acclaimed mega-rockstar.

He opened the door for you, lending you a hand to step up since it was a large step. The feeling of his skin touching yours was a sensation that you could write novels about. A feeling that you'd so dearly missed and craved more than ever now. It didn't take long for him to enter his side of the car and start the engine up. The first thing he did was turn up the heating, noticing how your hands had been ice-cold when they touched his and how you were silently shivering. He noticed.  

"It'll heat up in no time, I promise. In the mean time, here you are." He handed you the coat he'd just been wearing and it was still lusciously warm inside. It smelt just like him. It smelt of home.

"Thank you." Not even turning down his kind gesture because you were that cold.

"Trust me, still?" Harry asked you, setting the car into the right gear before looking across to you. It was painful to hear him have to ask such a question. You pulled the coat tighter over you, using it as a blanket, trying to preserve as much heat over your body as possible.

"Always."

•••••

The drive was a very peaceful one.

No commentary was made between the two of you, only the soft, mellow, tunes of Sinatra danced around the confines of the car. You could sometimes hear the passing of a nearby car or steam train, but there were no voices. Comfortable silence is so overrated - at least you for you it was uncomfortable. It was because you were terrified of saying the wrong thing as to why you didn't say anything, but also you felt like you'd said everything the last time you saw him.

Your mind drifted to London, as you closed your eyes, on that rainy Thursday eve...

I didn't think i'd be this nervous for anything in my life, but here I was.

His house looked bigger than the last time i'd seen it. The ivy growing up the walls looked powerful, as if it could tear the whole wall off if it wanted to. The pink front door assured me that I was at the right house, but I silently wished that it was a different colour because then I wouldn't have to face what I knew was to come. It was all going to be my fault though. I would most likely leave with a broken heart and the guilty conscience that I broke his too.

But this had to happen. It wasn't fair to him anymore.

I got out of the taxi, thanking him for waiting just a few more minutes whilst I collected myself and went and did what I came to do. He was very sweet and let me ride for a discounted price, obviously sensing my abundance of nerves, saying he'd wait for me to take me back to the station after this. He didn't say anything else to me, but he didn't need to.

The walk to the door, underneath the porch out of the torrential rain, felt like miles and yet it was only a few steps. My mind rushed through every possible scenario this could end up as. I looked back at the taxi man and he was smiling with encouragement at me, as if he knew exactly what was happening here.

I knocked three times - each one with the same amount of power.

The anticipation was the worst part. I wanted to scream, but also cry already.

The door swung open after 27 seconds precisely, not that i'd been counting or anything. I was so ready to start my rehearsed piece with him, but I was so blinded by his beauty that all thoughts were forgotten. He couldn't have looked better. He was standing here in checkered pyjama bottoms and a navy-blue crewneck sweatshirt, with little brown loafer slippers for comfort, and he still managed to be the most handsome man on the planet. He was so perfect.

Unlike me, Harrys thoughts were clear and his mind was only focused on one thing. Me.

I'd never seen him move so fast in my life. He closed the distance between us instantly and sealed our lips together to knock down the final boundary. His hands cupped my cheeks so desperately I wobbled back slightly from the force. His lips had never tasted so good. So sweet. The sounds of the pattering rain were long forgotten and the overwhelming senses bursting off of Harry quickly infiltrated my system. The sweet taste. The freshly-showered smell. The angelic sight. The tingling touch. The blissful sound. My senses were overwhelmed by him and I couldn't help but cry into the kiss.

He didn't want to let go, that I was sure of. Each time I tried to move back and regain air he whimpered, pulling me back as soon as I had caught some oxygen. This was our longest, most passionate, most burning kiss. In fact it was our last, most passionate, most burning kiss - little did Harry know of that.

"Where've you been, baby?" Harry asked breathlessly, between a further two kisses to my now swollen, cherry, lips.

"A-away." I struggled get out my words due to Harrys continuous kisses.

"I was so worried. So, so worried." He shakes his head not wanting to think about it anymore. I pulled away from his grasp, stepping back to create a little distance between us. I couldn't say what I wanted to say if I was too close to him. "Where are you going love?" He chuckled out, but there was a heavy tone of vulnerability underneath his words.

"Harry y-you need to listen to me, okay?" I asked, but even he knew that he didn't have a choice. All he could was nod his head, too afraid to say anything. He had a disturbing feeling like this wasn't going to be a conversation about how much I loved and missed him - no matter how true that would be.

"I-I think you already know where this is going, so i'm not going to sugar coat anything." Harry was already shaking his head at me.

"Y/N/N.. Please, no.." Harry continued to shake his head, realising you two were on the same page now and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Harry, I - uh - shit. C'mon Y/N." I mumbled to yourself, trying to hold myself together. "I love you, Harry. I've never loved someone half as much as i've loved you, and I never will. You have my heart - all of it. I need you to know that first, because it's important to me that you understand that," I watched him nod his head, "Harry, baby, I can't be with you anymore. It's nothing you did I swear. You were and still will be the best boyfriend to ever exist, because you are the most amazing person to exist—"

"Then don't do this, angel. Please." Harry butt in, tears now flowing down his face and it made it painful for me to look at him.

"Harry stop. Okay? It's not fair on you anymore. I can't be the girlfriend you need. I can't be the one you depend on anymore because I can't be here. My mum she's.. Well it doesn't matter, but she needs me more than ever and I can't leave her. Not now,' I watch Harry sniffle and wipe his nose on his sleeve, "You deserve so much more than me. You deserve someone who will give you everything, not that you didn't have everything from me - it's just I couldn't give you all of me all the time—"

"I don't care." Harry kept repeating like a broken record. This is what i'd made him into. I stepped closer to him again, cupping his cheeks to help him focus on anything other than his dark thoughts.

"Hey. You'll be okay. You don't need me. I was just someone passing by in your life, alright?" I pressed my forehead hard against his, and he cupped my cheeks to mirror me. If I could touch him then he sure as hell was touching me. He would savour every last moment next to me, because it might just be his last.

"No, Y/N/N, you're not. You m-mean everything t-to me." Harry sobbed out.

"Okay, but now you have to let me go. For your own bright and wonderful future, Harry, you have to let me go." I instructed him.

"No, no, no." He repeated and all I could do to shut him up was give him a kiss. The final kiss. I poured as much emotion as I possibly could do into the kiss, relishing every last second I had with him. After today I would probably never see him again. I would go back and live in Scotland, where the media is non existent, and live my life without my favourite person by my side. I would go back to working in the dirty bar and slaving away to the demands of university, all the while Harry will find someone new - someone better - and start up his wonderful life with them.

He was going to do great things.

I was the one to detach my lips first this time, knowing that if I didn't stop there I would never. I gave him one final, full of love, peck before pulling away from his warm embrace.

"I'm going now." I whispered, not wanting to even hear myself say those dreaded words.

"No." Was all Harry could say back. We both had faces full of tears and hearts full of hurt, but for now I had to be strong for him.

"I love you." Were my last words, before running back to the taxi out of the storm.

The look on his face was one that I knew was going to haunt me for years. There was no escaping it. He was utterly and completely broken - and all because of me.

My impending thoughts got interrupted by a call of my name. It was a distant voice, one that I didn't understand where it was coming from. It was so loud and clear and it sounded just like Harry, only when I looked at him his lips weren't moving. I'd left him broken on his doorstop and he couldn't do anything to fix the situation at- Y/N/N!

Again the voice repeated my name. Maybe I was having a stroke?

I couldn't stop crying in the taxi. The man knew to take me to the station, no questions asked. I respected him for that. My mind spiralled down in to a pit of self destruction and loathing. Every possible cruel thing I could think of, I could relate to myself. I couldn't stop thinking about the fragile Harry i'd left on the doorstep and—

"Y/N/N!" Harrys voice was much clearer now and it was obvious that you hadn't been dreaming him calling your name. He was standing outside the passenger door and it was only then that you'd noticed that you were parked up somewhere. "You're okay, you're okay." He assured you.

"Wha- where are we?" You asked, slightly dazed from the god-awful memory that just replayed in your head. It was a nightmare that kept you up most nights - it was one of the reasons you hated sleeping. It baffled you how Harry even wanted to be near you right now after everything you'd put him through.

"Come on and i'll show you." Harry held out his hand to help you back out of the truck.

The clicking of your seatbelt signified to Harry that you were preparing to climb out of the car and follow him. It meant that you continued to trust him, and that was more than enough for Harry. You grabbed on to his hand and allowed him to hold on to you tightly, in case you fell.

"There you go. I've got you." Harry spoke quietly, like he was afraid someone nearby would hear him. There would be no one around for miles though. It looked like you were at some outlook, somewhere, but it hadn't hit you exactly where yet. You were slightly disorientated considering how dark it was and not being awake for the journey.

"Thank you." You whispered back, both of you knowing it carried a much deeper meaning than you thanking him for helping you out of a car.

He pulled out his coat that you'd had wrapped around you, knowing it was too cold for you to not be wearing a coat right now. He pulled it around you, helping you slide both your arms in, before leaning down to do the zip up for you. He did it up teasingly slow and it made you nervous for when he'd reach the top. Once he'd reached the top he was stood so close to you that you could hear his heartbeat. His breath was shaky, but not as shaky as yours. You wanted to blame it on the cold but you knew it wasn't because of that.

He looked between your sparkling eyes and your rosy lips, being so indecisive of what he would rather look at. Your lips, he could kiss them for days, but your eyes - your eyes were something else. He swore they were the most precious things in the world. You were convinced he was going to lean in and kiss you, but he proved otherwise.

"Here," he took off his beanie and helped suit it onto your head instead, making sure your hair was tucked out of your eyes as he did so, "you're like a little icicle." He chuckled, making you laugh along with him.

"Thanks, Harry." You smiled sweetly at him, blessed to have him act so kind towards you. His heart was so big, yet so fragile as if it were made of glass, and deserved to be treated with all the grace in the world, but you'd managed to tear it down to its last shards - leaving nothing but broken pieces for him to pick up. "Aren't you going to be cold?" You asked, concerned for his physical health.

He reached in to the glove compartment, before bringing out another hat - a TPWK one at that. You laughed as he placed it on his head, finding it amusing how he was repping his own merchandise.

"You think it's funny? Me, wearing me own merch?" He laughed along with you, finding the most stupid things hilarious. It was just like old times - better times.

"Well do you want your hat back?" You offered, reaching for the bobble on the top of it.

"No. I like it better on you." He winked and it made you roll your eyes.

He slammed the door shut and locked the car with his keys, before stuffing them in his pockets. He took in a big breathe, most likely taking in the crisp winter air. It was refreshing, but something that was becoming all too familiar now. You needed a change. Jamaica, maybe?

Harry reached in to the open trunk of the truck and pulled out a regular rucksack. He slipped it on to his back before he held out his hand for you. "Ready?" He asked, not going anywhere until you took a tight hold on his hand.

"Ready." You nodded, eagerly grabbing his hand - wanting to feel those tingles all over again.

•••••

The walk, to wherever the fuck you were going, was exceptionally pretty. Harry chose well.

The path was hidden deep within a forest and it creeped you out at how dark and mysterious the whole atmosphere was. You felt completely safe standing next to Harry and holding his hand. He was warm and it warmed you up too.

No words had been spoken yet, only soft hums of a tune that Harry must be working on - seeing as you'd never heard it before. It was beautiful whatever it was. The eery night was so peaceful that you felt as if you had no problems left in the world. As if you mum was mentally okay. Your dad was still here. You and Harry were still together. What a perfect world that would be, but unfortunately some people weren't supposed to lead a perfect life. You were one of the unfortunate ones.

As you reached an opening of trees you noticed the lights shining more and more. They were becoming brighter and brighter the closer you came. Then it all started coming back to you. That tree - the one you fell out of whilst playing hide and seek with your dad. That bush - the one that you'd fallen in and cut your knee on whilst on a run with your dad. That pile of logs - the ones that you'd built many a campfire with, with your dad. And finally, that outlook over the valley below - the one that you would turn up at whenever you were sad with your dad.

It made you stop dead in your tracks.

"Harry." You whispered, finding it overwhelming that he knew of this place and how special it was to you. He knew that your father had passed, but you never really explained how it made you feel. You tended to bottle up all your emotions and keep them to yourself, finding it unfair to lay all your shit on someone else who might be going through things worse than you. This was uncharted territory for you.

"It's okay." He reminded you, bringing you closer in to his side with his arm. You appreciated him a bloody lot.

"No it's not. It's not and it's all my fault." You couldn't walk any further, not knowing where this evening was going and what Harry wanted to talk to you about. The guilt was eating you alive. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no. Don't be sorry. I don't want you to be sorry, Y/N/N, okay?" Harry made you look at him, showing him to observe the small trickle of tears rubbing down your cheeks. You wished he didn't see them, though, because you felt selfish. If anyone should be crying it was him.

"But I—"

"I know what you did, I was there. Front row and centre actually." He laughed, bopping your nose to earn a laugh out of you too.

"How c-can you stand being near m-me then?" You were confused. You mum had told you that Harry would never want to see you again - charming.

"Because I love you." Harry put it in a way that was so simple, yet one that made your heart melt and walls crumble. He was still yours even after all this time, really?

"You l-love me? Still?" You had to double check, completely lost at how he was still devoted to you after all this time. After all that you'd said and done. Of course you still loved him, that was a given, but him still loving you was a terrifyingly happy surprise. He always has had the biggest heart of gold, and he remains to live up to that title. You were so undeserving of him and his heart of gold.

"I never stopped, baby." He squished your face close to his, large hands concealing your face to keep you focused on him and only him.

"You can't mean that, Harry. Not after everything I put you through." You whispered, searching for any signs of doubt behind his eyes. There was nothing but love for all you could see though.

"Listen to me Y/N/N. The last few months have made me realise something. It's made me realise that you're too special to me to ever let you go. Even though you made my phone miss your calls and we hadn't spoke since you went away, all I could think about was you and how you were doing. You didn't look good when you came to my porch in London, and you still don't baby." Harry was being completely honest with you, needing you to understand the complex depths of both sides of this relationship.

"No, i'm okay." You tried to convince him, but lacked the evidence to justify the statement.

"When was the last time you slept for a good 8 hours?" Harry asked, keeping you close to him - afraid you may dash at any point.

"Um, well—" You tried to rack your brain for an answer, but the answer was so long ago it was long forgotten.

"When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" He asked again, this time his eyes gazing down at your body. Yes, you knew that you'd become skinner but you didn't realise it was that noticeable. Or maybe it was just because Harry always noticed the most smallest, most minute, details about you.

"It was, um—" You squeezed your eyes shut hoping something would come to mind but you knew it was pointless.

"When was the last time you gave yourself a breather? A sit down? A bit of time to yourself?" He pressed for an answer, but it was obvious by now that you didn't have an answer.

"I-I," you let out a defeated sigh, looking towards the ground in shame, "I don't know." You admitted to him, and to yourself. You know you should take care of yourself better, but it's been hard to sort it out when you're doing a million and one other jobs too.

You two stayed silent for a few moments, reflecting on the words that had been spoken this evening. Finding out that Harry was still in love with you, in the area that was filled with fond childhood memories with your dad, whilst coming to teens with your mental struggles was a lot to take in in just one night. You could only take so much and you'd be forever grateful that it was Harry by your side right now and no one else. Not even your dad could come close to the secure and warm feelings that Harry gave you.

"I'm not okay, Harry, am I?" You had to ask Harry for support in your question, not wanting to admit the truth to yourself alone.

"You're just a little broken, baby, but i'm here okay? It won't be like this forever, I promise." Harry swore it on his mums life. His hands left your cheeks and instead wrapped around your body protectively, making sure you felt the mental and physical stability of him being there for you.

"I'm so-sorry for everything, Harry." You apologised for not nearly the enough times that evening - well technically morning. If you waited long enough you could probably watch the sun rise from this side of the valley - it was something you dreamt about doing with your dad, but it was too late to fulfil that dream when the time came around.

"It's alright." Harry shushed you, allowing you to carry on with the sobs you needed to let out.

"Is it?" You questioned, still not fully convinced that it was.

"I'll be alright as long as you are alright, love." You could feel Harrys smile against the side of your head where he was resting it, making you slightly smile in return. "Just need you back."

"If you'll have me?" You offered, wanting him to be positively sure of himself.

"Always." He replied, using the same phrasing you'd done earlier this evening.

•••••

Sunrise.

You never thought it would be so beautiful and yet you were so magically lost for words. The way the sun caught its first few rays on the glistening, snowy, mountain tops was cinematic. The rays starting to warm up your icy skin was exhilarating, almost like it was feeding you life again. Oh how your dad would've loved this.

What was even more special than the sunrise was the boy that you got to spend watching it with. Wrapped under a layer of three blankets, your back against his front whilst sat perched against a thick oak tree, you got to witness a moment so singular and unique, with someone as equally unique, and you wouldn't swap it for a million pounds.

Harry had brought hot cocoa, with little pink and white marshmallows, in a thermo-flask to help keep you both warm. He'd clearly thought about this "date", you guess you could call it, with great passion. He had thought of everything. He'd brought bundles of blankets, the hot chocolate, an extra jumper for you - your favourite one of his in fact - and even a portable charger so your phone was ready to snap some shots of the waking sun.

You were positive his body was completely stiff now, most likely going to have crippling back pains for the rest of the week, but you knew he didn't care. All he cared about was you and that you were happy.

Throughout the morning, whilst you were waiting for the sun to arise, you spoke about everything and nothing. You'd learnt that Harry had been with someone a month after your broken up with him, but went in to a two week period of self loathing afterwards because she, quote, "just wasn't you". Apparently he'd almost said your name, to her, the morning after and that's when he knew it was never going to be anyone else but you. Of course your heart bled a little to hear him have moved on so quickly, but you also remember encouraging it so you couldn't really be angry.

You opened up about the grieving of your dad and the hardship that your mum had become. Although it was hard to hear, listening to Harry suggest maybe taking her to a group house for family rehabilitation, or something along those lines, it should be an option to consider. He never pressed you for an answer, but only letting you know he was here whatever you decided to do.

You apologised a lot more times and each time he shut you up with his lips. God had you missed those lips. You'd missed him more.

Harry admitted he'd developed a slight drinking problem and had had to stay at random hotel rooms, for the first couple of months, because he couldn't bare to walk around a house that was so full of you and your memories. The kitchen, where you'd prepared countless morning coffees for him. The study, where you'd read a few stories to him. The bedroom, where you'd spent many a night with him beneath the sheets loving each other until you physically could no more.

Both of you were extremely vulnerable and that's exactly how it needed to be.

To move forwards you vowed to be more open and honest with one another. Harry promised to stay with you for a while, up here, until he was comfortable that you'd be okay if he left you. You promised to never leave him again, which he was perfectly happy with. You also strictly told him that he wasn't to go near a bottle of alcohol unless you were with him, not baring the thought of having to send him into rehab for substance abuse.

The two of you had a long way to go to be perfect, but then again there was no such thing. You were just Y/N and Harry, and as long as you made each other happy, then that, in your eyes, was perfect.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bed Friend Episode 8 Thoughts

I don't have like anything cerebral to say that I could write a full analysis on (yet) but BOY OH BOY DO I HAVE SO MANY FUCKING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS EPISODE so here comes a ramble:

First thought, I am so angry on Uea's behalf. LIKE YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT UEA HAD THIS LOVING, PRECIOUS AUNT WHO LITERALLY BURSTS INTO TEARS WHEN SHE SEES HIM AND CANNOT STOP HUGGING HIM, AND SO CLEARLY LOVES AND CARES FOR HIM AND HIS MOTHER RIPPED HIM AWAY FROM A CHANCE OF GROWING UP FEELING LOVED BY SOMEONE IN HIS FAMILY???????

Honestly, a travesty that we didn't have more time of them interacting, as much as it would have been bittersweet to see just how much he lost by moving out of Lampang, I want a little bit more security that he will have family who loves him unconditionally. I wanted a little bit more time of him getting to bask in familial love.

BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE I REALIZED SOMETHING, PINK IS HOME IN THIS SHOW! At least for Uea. He's surrounded by it when he's asking his aunt if he can stay for awhile...

It's the color his sister wears at his "birthday party"

Which like, is that whole event a tragedy for Uea? Yes. But is this the first time we get to see Uea and his sister interact with each other as adults? Also yes, so they have to establish how Uea sees her.

It's the color that Uea wears when he is talking with King in the pool

(and honestly, talking specifically about Lampang, but because I am gay and read in to everything, we're going to say it's also how Uea feels about King and vice versa)

So Jade tells King about Krit and Uea's resignation, and it cuts to King practicing dangerous driving habits, BUT ALSO LITERALLY CRYING?

It's kinda hard to see, but I swear I see a bright line of shiny tear running along the bride of his nose. King may be the world's Goodest Boy, but he definitely fucked up and he knows it and I, personally, am glad that he is thinking back to his fight with Uea and seems to be feeling bad about it.

And now for what @respectthepetty has been waiting for

BLUE BOY APPEARS

And this shot is going to be my argument that King is fundamentally a blue boy because there is an establishing shot of just the blue jacket as he walks up to the inn, his face isn't present in this scene until Uea turns around to see him, so we only follow this light blue jacket.

OK LISTEN, I literally have been going back through every episode to take pictures of all of the reflections in each episode so I can compile a like master post of them because the reflections in Bed Friend tells a lot of the story/does a lot of work to show the character's true feelings. But I saw this image and said "fuck it! I can't save this for later, I have to talk about it now" the way UEA HAS KING'S BACK AND KING HAS UEA'S BACK! The way their only thoughts are of each other, the way there is no way for them to break eye contact. If Uea faces the other direction, he will still face King's reflection. I JUST!!!! a million forehead kisses a couple massive hugs to whoever on the production crew was like 'hey! you know what could be kinda fun...?"

And then we get this shot? Another beautiful reflection, standing together but in two states of mind. King aware of his feelings for Uea and Uea's feelings for him, but Uea unaware that King reciprocates, still knowing there is something that needs to be fixed between them.

King comes here to tell Uea that he wants him to understand, and before King can make his confession Uea interrupts him to apologize for being rude to him and King does not accept an apology, because Uea has done nothing wrong, and not only does King not accept an apology from Uea, he tells him that he isn't mad at Uea and tells Uea that he himself was being jealous and possessive.

And honestly, do I think that King should have apologized here? Yes, but I'll accept this because he's able to name the emotions he was feeling that led to the behavior he exhibited. And then finally he confesses! "Uea, I like you!"

And honestly this show should have been called Tale of A Thousand Stars Reflecting Off Net's Eyes.

And I was SO HAPPY because FINALLY THEY CAN GET ON THE SAME PAGE, only to feel the gut punch of Uea's "Do my feelings matter?' immediately afterward because this has been the core conflict they haven't been able to voice. Uea's feelings have never mattered in almost all of the relationships he has with other people. His feelings never mattered to Pock, his feelings never mattered to Krit, his feelings never mattered to his step-dad, and his feelings certainly never mattered to his mother. Even with his sister, she's frequently used as a tool to get him to do things he doesn't want to do, and she's able to stand at Uea's side in a family argument, but she still allows her brother to compromise his feelings for her.

When Uea and King were in their uncomplicated phase of the FWB, Uea could start to believe that his feelings did matter. King listened when Uea told him to stop, King followed Uea's rules, King didn't use his bet to make Uea engage in pet play. And unfortunately, Uea only started to let his feelings matter to him when King asked him on a beach trip. He let himself be excited by that, and hopeful for that, only to have King cancel on him for a blind date.

King has made some dumbass fucking moves in the last couple episodes, but the smartest move he ever made was taking care of all the loose ends he was aware of before he went chasing after Uea. He resolves all of the conflicts that he knew about before trying to get Uea to come back to a hostile workplace where his relationship to King wouldn't feel secure if he had to still go on these arranged matches.

And King brings up the bet, and because I was kinda hoping earlier in the week for more of a blow out, or confrontation, I was really hoping that King would invoke the bet to make Uea stay and listen to him explain, but I love what they did with it here.

King asks Uea for a chance to make a move.

Not for Uea to be his boyfriend, not for Uea to forgive him, not for Uea to do anything but allow him to try to hit on Uea. Allow King a chance to date Uea.

And I honestly think Uea is surprised by this request as well. Because his feelings have so rarely mattered to the people around him, that I think it is still, even when King has been notoriously good about consent and embracing Uea's feelings, that it is a genuine shock that King isn't going for something massive with this bet. Just asking for a chance.

Oh poor "Are you sure?" Uea. Baby boy, I understand that it is hard to believe that someone would genuinely love and care for you, and I know that it is difficult to break through years of internalized homophobia that has been beaten in to you, But sure you haven't been completely blind to how much of a simp King is for you.

Side note: Kicking and screaming because King told Uea that he's never felt this way about anyone the way he feels with Uea.

This is getting long and my only thoughts on the rest of Lampang is "holy fucking shit they are so cute and finally they just get to be together aware of their mutual feelings, yeehaw!" so I'm cutting to when they return because....

KING FINALLY GETS TO TELL EVERYONE! And he's so fucking happy about it Jesus Christ, this dude. They are about to be disgustingly in love in the office the second that No Touching rule is revoked. And I love that we can tell Uea is getting more comfortable with all of this because, well one, he lets King say this, but two...

He's trying so hard not to be too obviously happy about this.

And yay! We get Uea's work family all together celebrating this queer relationship (because almost all of the people here are queer too) AND we get pink as a color in this scene because this is a loving home for Uea too.

fuck YES GET THAT BOY SOME THERAPY!!!!! I am so pleasantly surprised by the inclusion of therapy as important and necessary both in Bed Friend and in The Eighth Sense. Let's get my boy processing his trauma with a trained professional. I think it was @waitmyturtles who was hesitant this show because she wasn't sure if it was going to be a "Lover Waltzed Into My Life and Suddenly All My Trauma is Gone" type of story. I hope this is relieving to you that regardless of all of the postive changes King has actively made to Uea's life through getting Krit fired, and encouraging Uea to seek justice for his step-dad, that Uea is also being aided by Jade, therapy, and medication for his mental health.

King, careful, you're gonna be the next one getting a talking to by your boss for not getting your work done if you keep spending all of your time in the office hanging around Uea.

BUT ALSO!!! I mentioned in my Uea costume post for Episode 7 that King favors Uea's left side because he knows that Uea does not react well to people hanging around his right side.

So I just wanted to take a second to acknowledge the 1000/10 parallel here.

And speaking of comfortable, I do not think you understand how ecstatic I was to see Uea be like...genuinely comfortable and confident in himself. To just response to King's "Why are you sitting here?"question with "because I'm beautiful," FUCK YEAH YOU ARE, UEA. You bare beautiful and you do deserve to put yourself up on a pedestal so everyone around you can admire your beauty. #selflove

Side note: This is a great shot and King is so in love with Uea, and they make a truly believable couple so shout out to Net and James for the work they put in here. Especially when King spends the night at Uea's apartment and he's trying so hard to restrain himself and Uea is teasing him.

I know this is kind of a weird screenshot to put in here, but I don't have a gif of it, and I just really love how couple-y it feels for Uea to literally like spin himself over King to leave his bed to take his meds. It feels fun, and it feels comfortable. Uea is happy to crawl over his boyfriend to leave his bed. And shout out to Net for horny bastard rights on King's part cause King literally tracks Uea's every move from the second he dodges the kiss until he gets out of bed.

King fulfills his role as the doting and worried boyfriend, which is probably the sexiest thing anyone can do lets be real.

FINALLY IT'S TIME!!! The conversation that needed to be happening a long long time ago. And like, do not get me wrong, Uea is under no obligation to tell anyone any of this information, but without knowledge of Uea's history, King got himself in to a lot more hot water because he has no foundation of understanding for how and why Uea operates the way that he does. When I first saw this scene I think some of the English translation didn't go over the way it was supposed to and I really thought that King had fumbled the ball, but looking back through it the second time, I am interpreting his words a bit differently, and understanding what I think King was trying to get at. Mostly that if Uea is comfortable and trusts King enough to share this information about his step-dad with him there might be a solution to take care of whatever the problem is.

But honestly, I care more about the way King is hold Uea's hands here than I do about what the translation is saying, and above all I care more about

The honest conversation about mental health that is happening in this show. As much as I have really embraced and honestly find the like green tea ads in every BL to be endearing and like a staple of the genre at this point, I have a major appreciation and love for the shows that take the time to give the public health public service announcements. The Warp Effect, which I honestly can't remember having any actual product ads, for example spent most of their typically allotted in-universe ad space to talk about getting the HPV vaccine and the steps of a pelvic exam. KinnPorsche has a 20 minute video discussing queerness in Thailand and what is and is not appropriate to say. Bed Friend spent time in episode 2 showing the steps of getting an STI blood test done and now are talking about mental health and taking medications to treat it.

Listen, I'm a simple bitch, and simple bitches love when the pretenses fall away and the rules no longer apply because this is an extremely important and serious matter and King and Uea both know that he needs these comforting touches, and King doesn't have to ask permission to ground Uea with touch here.

And see! This is what I was talking about in my Uea and Red post, I love this color red on Uea. This feels like a real, legitimate, accurate red for Uea to be in, compared to the bright red that he is shown in near the beginning of the show. I never doubted that Uea was a red rascal, I just...feel like the bright red is a fake red, is a lie. Here, when he is being his most honest with King. When he is sharing information about himself that he had intended never to share with anyone, he isn't in the bright anxiety red, he is in this deeper red.

And listen, Respect The Petty, no one wants to agree with you more than me that King is a Blue Boy, but after this episode I am willing to concede that he is two-toned, specifically because of this outfit and this outfit only:

Black hoodie with a FUCKING RED ROSE OVER THE HEART like come ON! King wears so little red in this show so far. He wore red and black in Episode 4 for the beach trip, and since then has been sitting on a little red pillow on his chair in the office, but otherwise, this outfit?????? King carrying Uea with him in his heart everywhere????? AND THE YELLOW FLOWERS IN THE BACKGROUND??????????

And again, the English translation had me reeling for a second when King was like "For the thing you told me last night, I don't feel okay about it," before he was like "can I do something to your step-dad" and then I was very "casually threw aside a large rock" about it.

And I love that King does seek permission here to go through with consequences for #pransdaddarktimelineedition because something I did find very interesting in this episode was the possibility for a moral quandry about outing Uea as a victim in Krit's harassment to the entire office without Uea's knowledge or consent and how that could possibly have ended poorly for King's relationship to Uea. But, King is a man of action, and he will find solutions where he can, and will not sleep comfortably knowing that someone who has hurt Uea is existing without consequences and possibly capable of hurting other people. But Uea is here this time and this is Uea's history and Uea's trauma so he asks because Uea's feelings are the most important thing to King.

Uea back in blue and that blue matching the same blue-green tone of King’s shirt with the lettering on his sweater.

Ok that is mostly my thoughts on this episode, I might just turn right back around and watch it for a third time because fuck it, I have COVID, and I have laundry to fold. We ball.

Can't wait to tune in next week to watch Uea's Step-Dad get his comeuppance. Hope those charges stick. Don't love that we are seeing yet another person trying to get with Uea and threatening the relationship between Uea and King, but I really hope that is swept aside quickly and we get most of this episode and episode 10 of them just being disgustingly in love because I JUST! WANT! UEA! TO! BE! HAPPY! THAT'S ALL I'M FUCKING ASKING FOR!

If you read this whole thing you're my best friend now, sorry I don't make the rules, this is just so long for no reason. But I will not do multi-part posts unless I literally run out of image space. K, byeeeeeeeee

[randomthefox]

I do like the interpretation that Raditz was basically toxic masculinity The Character. Even moreso than Vegeta, since the prince honestly seems like he was just born broken and had to be pieced together very slowly. Goku getting amnesia and becoming a sweetheart does seem to suggest that the tabula rasa for the sons of Bardock is to be decent people, and it's the culture of the Saiyan species that turns them into what they are.

Raditz was a low class warrior, and the son of a low class warrior. His species was wiped out and his planet blown up. And the only Saiyans left in all of existence were two Elites, who constantly looked down on him for being garbage who was barely as strong as literal vegetables (the saibamen). They probably only barely tolerated him because he was also a Saiyan, but especially considering this is Vegeta we're talking about here that tolerance probably didn't extend very far. Raditz might have felt the urge to prove himself to his superiors, to show himself worthy among these Elites, by overcompensating and amping up how ruthless and brutal he could be so that he could earn their respect.

And then one day they find themselves having difficulty conquering a planet. Even these two Elites would be challenged by it! But then Raditz remembers, he has a baby brother. Another low class cast off just like him! Surely Kakarot will be enough to tip the scales in their favor, and if he does maybe these Elite's will see them differently. They'll see that they have value as Saiyans despite how low class they are, he and his baby brother will finally earn the respect of his (male, violence obsessed) peers.

So when he finally meets his little brother Kakarot again and finds out what became of him, you could read quite a lot into his reaction and what must be going through Radtiz's head. Based on the way Raditz talks to Goku, it's clear that Raditz EXPECTS Goku to remember him on a personal level. They MUST have interacted before Kakarot was sent off to earth to at least some capacity, otherwise dialog like this doesn't really make sense.

Raditz and Kakarot KNEW each other before the calamity that befell their planet. They've been separated for decades and a lot happened during that time, but Raditz still expects Kakarot to remember him. He seemed genuinely shocked that Goku had suffered from amnesia, and his demeanor was pretty flapped. His only family left in the entire galaxy, his fellow low class Saiyan and kin the only person in the entire galaxy who is on his level. And those memories of their childhood as brothers was erased. Read this panel with that in mind.

Raditz WANTS his brother back. But he has also had 20 years of living with Vegeta to sculpt him as a person, and this is where the Toxic Masculinity creeps in. The desperation and confusion he let drive his interactions with his little brother thus far is put under control, and Raditz starts playing the aloof and bemused monster. He puts on the mask of being the ideal saiyan warrior. Someone who laughs off the destruction of their home planet

Someone who relishes in the thrill of carnage and bloodshed. It's the very reason they became the most powerful race in the galaxy. It's the very reason they are both still alive.

He's TRYING to wake Kakarot back up. He's TRYING to get his brother back. He's overcompensating, he's playing it up, he's EMULATING VEGETA because he thinks this will rile up the Saiyan inside of Goku that has laid dormant.

When Goku rejects him it must be crushing, but he hides it under a confident veneer. Because he's still confident that he can make this work when he notices Gohan. If Goku won't be motivated by the promise of battle and wrecking death, MAYBE Goku will be motivated by the paternal instinct to protect his son?

Think about this given what we know: Saiyans aren't supposed to CARE about their children. At least that's what we've been told. And yet Raditz is trying to wake up Goku's Saiyan instincts by threatening his son. It's almost a Catch-22, Saiyans are supposed to only care about strength and fighting and killing over everything else, and yet Raditz is hoping to stoke those flames by tugging on Goku's love and protective instincts for his child. It's like Raditz is blending what he knows about his own family with what is expected of Saiyans - if Goku was a "real" Saiyan then he shouldn't care about Gohan especially considering he's such a weak child, but Raditz is COUNTING on Goku caring enough about his son that he'd be willing to slaughter a hundred earthlings.

He hopes that if he's FORCED to kill for the sake of his son, that experience will bring Kakarot back out and he'll remember what being a Saiyan who lives to fight and kill is like again. And the only reason he'd think that plan would work is if he assumed, BASED ON NO OBSERVABLE INTERACTION HE'D HAVE WITNESSED SINCE ARRIVING ON THE ISLAND, that Goku cares about his son. THAT'S the true Raditz, the Raditz who assumes based on nothing that his brother would love and value his son more than one hundred random strangers. It's the toxic masculinity of living around Nappa and Vegeta his whole life that makes Raditz think that "a real man Saiyan" SHOULD only care about battle that makes him think that engaging in senseless slaughter will wake Kakarot back up.

He's trying to impart this onto Goku because he wants Goku to join him. He's trying to turn Goku into a monster because that's what Raditz thinks he is, thinks that they both should be, so that they can fit in and be seen as worthy by the only two other Saiyans left in existence. He wants more than anything for Goku to join him so they can both go back to Vegeta and show those Elite's what they're worth. And Goku is rejecting him, rejecting his very nature as a Saiyan, CHOPPED OFF HIS OWN TAIL just so he could fit in with these weak earthlings?

Rejecting his family, his species, his heritage, and for what? So he can be a weakling who isn't worthy of standing next to the Elites?

So that he can leave Raditz alone with those two Elites who he can't possibly measure up against? Again?

He HAS to try and convince Goku to become a monster. That's the only solution, truly. Surely, once he sees how fun it is to commit genocide, he'll come around and be his brother again, right? After all that's what Saiyans are all about. He's a Saiyan, just like me, and we Saiyans HAVE to be this way otherwise we're not worthy, that's what those Elites have always said and they should know because they're the creme de la creme of Saiyan society! I have to be ruthless, I have to be obsessed with strength and power and nothing else, I have to be willing to kill my own brother and nephew otherwise I'm not a real man. And maybe, just maybe, if I show my poor brain damaged little brother that that's what we Saiyans are all about, maybe he'll Wake Up and come back to me and we can be a family again. A family of monsters.

The poison drips through.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

The fact that nobody has thought of a fastfood au where Spider is this neglected teenager working at McDonald's so that he can save up to like move out and get away from Qauritch (he's so desperate to get out that college isn't even on his radar atm) and Neteyam is this popular boy at their school who's is a year younger than him and comes in to McDonald's with his little sister frequently and Spider doesn't think he even knows his name but one day on their way out Neteyam turns to him and says "have a good day Spider" or some shit like that and the romance only grows from there with Neteyam figuring out his problems and trying to help him/get him into a good collage and I mean honestly people the fic just writes itself.

UGH I LOVE IT, I am simply shocked no one has written me personally a nocorro fic yet. A nice long one with all the pain and drama we've been describing but I want the COMFORT TOO PLEASE.

But anyways, you've brought up something I've been mulling over for a while now for one of my headcanon posts. Part of Neteyam's pressure and expectations come from him being the next Olo'eyktan. I can't figure out how to translate this into a modern au. Most of the time it'd be easy to make him the heir to a big company or the son of a politician in a weird Young Royals way, but clown couple Jake and Neytiri Sully simply do NOT have the vibes for that, nor does it fit their characters. I've thought about maybe Neytiri's family running a large non-profit that Neteyam is somewhat expected to take over, or perhaps something like the free clinic in my other au.

Either way, the reason I bring it up is because I love the idea of them both having similar but fundamentally different problems to bond over. This is what I mean, bear with me:

-Spider works at McDonalds to save money like you said. He's barely got any friends because he just moved there from another one of his dads deployments, and he's so busy picking up every possible shift he can that he can. He needs the money. He opens before school and closes most nights.

-Neteyam picks up Tuk from ballet practice at night on Wednesday's, because it is his parents Date Night. He gets his sister McDonalds one night because he stayed up way too late studying for an exam last night and he's far too tired to cook. The drive through is manned by the prettiest boy ever.

-By the third Wednesday Tuk is suspicious, but he keeps buying her McDonalds as a bribe to keep her mouth SHUT about it. At least, she keeps her mouth shut to the family. She won't stop talking to him about it. It's always "Neteyam, did you see McDonalds Guy today? I think he goes to your school, he has to. Neteyam, if we go to McDonalds tomorrow will he be there too? Does he only work Wednesdays?" She's like his inner thoughts because he wants to know all those things too.

-I mean, it's only a matter of time before Tuk opens her big fat mouth TO Spider. She rattles off personal questions like she's the goddamn census, and Neteyam wants to die.

-But, he learns quickly that Spider is a military brat and he wants nothing more than not to be in the military. It sparks something for Neteyam, because he wants nothing more than to be like his parents, and do what they do and do it just as well. It's the same sort of long shadow, just a different tactic for getting out from under it.

-Tuk is sick the next Wednesday mysteriously, but Neteyam is still craving McDonalds.

-It becomes a regular thing, but not on Wednesdays. Wednesdays he starts sometimes bringing Tuk home for a regular adult meal. But Thursday's he spends at McDonalds, and he brings Spider real food in Tupperware containers marked with the name Sully like Spider has other Tupperware to mix it up with.

-Somehow it becomes almost every night. Doing his homework in a booth, Spider joining him when he's free, sliding in and out. Neteyam's full attention on him every time he has a free second.

-One night Neteyam invites him over. Neteyam stayed until closing time and suddenly can't bear the thought of Spider going home, to no one if he's lucky and his dad if he isn't. Spider refuses and after that they don't speak for a couple days, silence in the booth. No one says anything but Neteyam still shows and brings Tupperware, and Spider still slides in to join him when he has a free moment.

-Eventually Spider agrees, and Neteyam is forced to show up at close to nine pm with a stranger that he has never mentioned but Tuk is DELIGHTED to see.

-Jake and Neytiri are confused but can recognize a tired, fairly neglected kid when they see one so they offer up the basement couch with no fanfare at all.

-Neteyam is slightly peeved because he was going to have Spider share his bed, it's a king it's plenty big enough, but Neytiri wasn't born yesterday lol. Even Jake is like nah nah, you've been gay since we watched the first Percy Jackson movie kid. Go have a sleepover with Tsireya or something.

-I think Jake Sully has a fairly excellent gaydar, honed from time in the military. You gotta know which guys to fuck. @dinas-bracelet this is the bi Jake Sully agenda.

This is a bonus because this is already FAR too long:

-Neteyam gets increasingly exasperated because no matter how many nights Spider is there or how long into their relationship it gets, Spider downright refuses to move from the basement couch. He will cling to it like a cat if Neteyam tries to move him. He goes boneless and becomes a dead weight.

-Finally Neteyam just sleeps down there one night. This concept has clearly never occured to Spider, who upon realizing there is no moving Neteyam (he can go boneless too, damnit), lays there stiff as a board mummy-wrapped in blankets to keep Neteyam's hands off of him. When he falls asleep though, Neteyam gets in there. Spider is unconsciously tactile, and basically spoons him the entire night.

-The next morning Neytiri walks into the basement to check that Spider is awake for work, turns around and goes back to the top of the stairs, and then walks down again really loudly to alert them to her presence.

[20-th-centurygirl]

here for you

mason mount x fem!reader

warnings: angst, fluff.

summary: Mason comforts a sad reader who's having family problems ☹️

a/n: this was a request so I hope I wrote something that the anon loves 🫶🏻

masterlist

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

Another argument with your dad. You couldn't even properly remember what caused it but you were beginning to reach your breaking point. He constantly spoke down to you and make you feel stupid and yoy felt as if you had nowhere to go. Whilst Mason was aware of your relationship with your dad, he didn't know the full extent and that made you hesitant to go over to his house or at least phone him but you had no choice.

You sat in your car near his house but not right outside, you were still debating whether you going to see him but you knew you just couldn't deal with going back home yet. So you ended up driving to his house and knocking on his door. When he opened the front door, surprise washed over his face for a split second before his eyes lit up and a huge grin took over his face. "Hi love, is everything okay? I didn't know you were coming over." You'd kept it together but the moment he asked if you were okay you crumbled completely, Mason wrapping you up in his arms instantly. He brought one his hands up to gently stoke your hair as you buried your face in the crook of his neck letting all of the pent up frustration and sadness go. He said nothing, knowing that all you really needed was his presence.

Once he felt you'd calmed down a bit he led you over to the sofa, gripping onto your hand reassuringly. He sat down and pulled you onto his lap, your legs either side of his thighs as you buried your face back into his neck. "What's going on? Is it your dad again?" You could only nod as you felt tears pool in your eyes again. "Oh love." He kissed your hair repeatedly as his hands reassuringly ran up and down your back. You pulled your head back to look at him, and the sight shattered Mason's heart and left him fighting back his own tears. "What happened this time? Honestly I'm gonna kill him." His soft tone a contrast with his harsh words. "Was just the usual. And normally I just go and hide up in my room and he stays downstairs and I leave him to calm down but he started bringing you up. Saying all these horrible things about you, like you were stealing me from him and you were probably of cheating on me every weekend because that's what footballers do and he just made me so angry. So I left. I'm sorry for coming over here I just didn't know where to go. Can I stay here tonight?" "Can you stay here tonight? Babe I'm never letting you leave this house again. Move in with me? We can go and get all your stuff when he's at work tomorrow, I'll say I'm ill and you can live here yeah? Then you can finally get away from him. " His eyes never left your face as he anxiously waited for your reply. "Really? I don't want you to say this because you feel like you need to." "Yeah. I've wanted to ask for a few weeks now. I'll ring in sick tomorrow and go round with you and that man can finally be out your life." He moved down and pressed a gentle, loving kiss to your mouth as a way of silently proving he wanted you to live with him. "And I promise you now, I would never ever in a million years cheat on you. I love you doesn't even begin to explain how I feel about you. You are my entire world." He swiped away a few stray tears that rolled down your cheeks, flashing you a smile that brought a small one onto your own face. "You're gonna make me cry out of happiness now." You sniffled and Mason huffed out a small chuckle, kissing your forehead. "And I know you won't. I trust you. And anyway even if you do have another girlfriend coming round every Saturday I'm here now so I'll know." You teasingly poked his nose. "I'll have to meet her in hotels instead then won't I?" He leaned down and pressed another kiss to your pouted lips. "Go and have a quick shower and I'll order your favourite okay?" You went to climb off him but you stopped, gaining a confused look from Mason. "Thank you. I love you." He gave you the sincerest smile you'd ever seen. "I love you too."

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

A while ago, I was writing about how it makes sense that the writers of OFMD felt they didn't need to beat us over the head with Ed's likeability and over-corrected in the opposite direction with Izzy, and it made me think about the very few things in s2 that I straight-up do not like at all.

There are two lines of dialogue in s2 that, if I had to pick two things I genuinely hate about s2, it would be them. One is Jim telling Ed "he was your friend" about Izzy, and the other is Lucius' line to Izzy about how maybe they should try chopping Ed's leg off next.

Jim's "he was your friend," I genuinely believe, is meant to tell us more about Jim than anyone else. It contrasts well with all Ed's dialogue last season about how pirates don't have friends (and anyway, if he did have friends, Izzy sure as fuck wouldn't be one of them). I'm pretty confident what they were going for was Jim's point being "this isn't how life should be, this is fucked up, we shouldn't be treating people like this." But it doesn't sit well with me because...no the fuck he was not Ed's friend, Jim! One of the first lines of dialogue in s2 in Stede's dream is reminding us part of what Izzy did last season - selling them out to the English - but there's no callback to how he mocked and threatened Ed, triggering the whole Kraken spiral in the first place, until Izzy's literal dying breath.

As for Lucius' line, I think that one sits badly with me because it's the last thing he ever really says about Ed, they never have another scene together, and it is so harsh. Lucius is 100% justified in his anger at Ed, but he's typically a character who balks from violence and cruelty. Him suggesting they hurt Ed to make him pay feels more extreme than if pretty much any other character had said it. What Ed did to Lucius was, easily, the worst thing he ever did. Lucius only ever tried to be a friend for him, and Ed gave him incredibly cruelty in return. Both Lucius and Ed are left unsatisfied with their attempts to feel better with each other; Lucius is able to move on better, but Ed never gets his closure that Lucius got closure, and they never talk again.

I wouldn't dislike either of these lines if they had more follow-up. Jim's, I can let slide, because I think they were trying to avoid emphasizing how badly Izzy treated Ed last season so his redemption arc would sit better. I get that; he was an antagonist so I get why they felt they needed to over-correct, and honestly I kind of think that having that line immediately before Ed asking him to kill him and Izzy mocking him for being too scared to kill himself directly kinda drives home how fundamentally broken this relationship is anyway. And for me, Lucius' would have felt better with even one more scene between them. And I'd feel better about both of them if I knew that we'd have a season 3 to finish tying up some of these lingering issues - this story just isn't finished yet!

I still absolutely adore season 2, don't get me wrong, but what I wouldn't give to see a cut where there was more time for interactions between Ed and the crew so we can see he really feels like part of the family.

[rags-writes]

Fandom: Call of Duty

Pairing: Ghost & Reader (Platonic)

Tags/Warning: Hurt/Comfort

Requested by @bombshe77

A/N: I really hope you enjoy it and thank you for requesting it. here it is on Ao3.

Summary: You're the youngest on the 141 squad, yet you've been with them for two years and they still treat you like a rookie. Hell, they still call you the rookie callsign but you don't let that bring you down. Then you go home and when you come back, you're different. That spark you had disappeared and Ghost is determent to get it back even if it means he actually has to talk.

Lean On Me

 Ghost always prides himself on seeing what others miss, in anything. Which is why he’s disappointed that he didn’t see your potential. Well, you were just a rookie and the youngest in the squad at that. No one expects much from you, but you did last longer than the other, but your call sign hasn’t changed from rookie or rook. Honestly, he saw you as a joker, like soap. Sure you did whatever was ordered of you, but you always made a joke or some smart-ass comment. You never seem to shut up, always talking up a storm after a mission.

 Luckily he never had to deal with you directly, mostly just overhearing convention, like now.

 “I can handle the package without a babysit.” You call over the headset, and your voice is light, yet there is an irritation to it.

 “Listen, rook.” Soap says, causing a groan to leave you. “We just want to make sure you don’t drop?”

 “We are sitting down and it’s in my pocket.” You sigh out, “Stop with the rookie call name?”

 “You got to do something impressive to get a different call sign, kid.” Price answers with a chuckle.

 “You mean dealing with Soap for two years isn’t impressive enough?” You shoot back, causing a wave of laughter over the plane and Soap shouts, ‘hey!’

 Even Ghost huffed a small laugh at the joke, no one heard, of course. And highly unlikely he would ever admit to it either. It was Gaz who spoke up next.

 “We can call you kid if you want.”

 You send a glare his way, growling out. “I’m only two years younger than you, ass.”

 Soap, of course, hop on the thought with, “maybe you like, tot or rug-rat.”

 Ghost sees your hand wave and rightfully assumes you're flipping off Soap. Someone calls out, “What about clumsy?”

 “O, come on,” you shout. He could hear your eyes rolling as you continue. “I drop one grenade, which was a dud, because it was a field test.”

 The plane erupts into another fit of laughter at the memory of you pulling the pin and winding up to third the grenade when it slips from your hand. You looked like a deer caught in headlights as it when off behind you. No one has let you have a moment of peace about it, one way or another it gets brought up again. Soon he begins to tune out the conversation as it goes on about different call signs for you.

 After getting to the base Ghost watch you head to Laswell’s office to drop off the thumping drive with Soap tailing behind you saying he was just there to give you support. that just made you try and swat him and walk fast, practically running to Laswell’s office to get away from him.

 Ghost’s eyes move off you as Price comes up to him and asks. “What’s the plan now, cap.”

 “We sit tight and wait for the intellect department to decrypt the thumb drive and we can figure the best point of taking down the network.”

 Ghost just nod and walk to his room and change her gear before grabbing thing from the mess hall. It was only a day’s wait before they got word on the thumb drive and unfortunately the best time to strike the network was in nine weeks when most if not all the drug lords would be meeting. They decide to let everyone have a month to go see their family before the mission. Ghost, and a handful of others, choose to stay for any other mission not related to the thump drive. So the next couple of days were hectic, most people were trying to get off as soon as possible but he notices a strange thing. You.

 Normal you are one of the first ones on the plane heading out but he has seen you at the practice range. after looking at the roster he finds that you volunteer for the last flight out. he asks around, well more like interrogate soap, finding your excuse was that you need the extra training time but he didn’t completely believe it. Seeing the crestfallen look on your face with ever no was around but your spark was there whenever someone was near so he wasn’t too worried. soon you went with your smile, so he wasn’t to worry about you.

 But when you came not even three weeks later. you came and he knew instantly that something was wrong, the spark was no longer in your eyes. he didn’t what to do, you no longer laugh and smile as you use to. sure you follow any orders but without your usual quip or smartass comment.

 It affected everyone, even soap wasn’t himself, he tried the most to get you to creak a smile but you never did. Weeks passed and the mission to take down the network came. everyone was grim, if they fail this who knows the damage that could happen.

 But they didn’t, thanks to you, the network wouldn’t be able to recover from it fully. everyone was celebrating, all smiles and laughter filled the mess hall, and even Ghost creak a smile under his mask. the only person he didn’t see at the party was you, you disappear as soon as Price told every that drinks were waiting for them.

 Ghost decided he was going to find and snap you out of whatever the hell was going on. he began his search in the quarter but your room was empty as was the shared space. next was the small dining room/kitchen but it was empty as were the next three places. stepping outside for a cigarette, and he rounds the corner to the spot where no one bugs him and he can get a moment of peace, and sure enough, you were there.

 He goes to shout your name but stops as he notices tears streaming down your face, there’s a picture in your hand.  Walking to you, carefully until he steps on a twit and your head snaps to him, a hand quickly wiping the evince of tears from your face. You shout a weak. “L.T. what are you doing here?”

 Ghost doesn’t let the twig pause his steps, goes leans against the wall, and answers. “Well taking a break from looking for you.”

 Your head drops as you say. “Sorry L.T.”

 “It’s fine, saved me from soap, who set up the Karaoke machine.” Ghost across his arm and sight as the joke didn’t even get a chuckle from you. A hand reaches out and takes hold of your shoulder and he says. “You don’t have to do it all yourself, you know.”

 You bulk at the work, trying to shrug off his hand and turn away from him but he doesn’t let you. Grabbing your other shoulder and forcing you to face him as he tells you. “I don’t know what’s going on with you but you can talk with me.”

 Lips tremble at his works as the tear you have been holding back bursts out. Hand covers your face as you sob, as you choke out. “Sorry, ghost, I’m a mess.”

 “What’s happened?” Ghost asks, removing one hand and leaving the other for comfort. Sniffing a bit before wiping your face with the sleeve of your shirt before you hold up the picture. Looking, Ghost sees it’s of an old man, who in a bed with all sorts of wires attached to him but he’s still has a smile full of life on his face.

 “This is my grandfather.” You explain, “he passed away.”

 “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Ghost, not knowing if those were the right words but he had nothing else to offer. You give him a genuine smile, tinting with sadness as you whisper.

 “Thank you but he pass the last time I was home, three days after the photo was taken.”

 You couldn’t see but Ghost’s brow furrows in confusion and he questions you as gently as he could. “Then what’s going on with you?”

 You huff a strangled laugh and reply with a heartbroken tone. “My grandfather was my only supporter in anything I did. The rest of my family never accepted me and my life choices and when I join the military well I was part-way disowned.  They never fully said it because they didn’t want grandfather to cut them from the will.”

 Your foot drags back and forth on the ground, making a little trench in the ground back, and hesitantly continues talking.  “I thought that maybe after things settled down that they would come around but...”

 You trail off and Ghost finishes the sentence for you. “They never did.”

 “I came home to my stuff thrown out of my grandfather’s house.” You sob out, hand coming to cover your mouth.

 “They’re fucking idiots.”

 The statement makes your head snaps up with shock and stare at your Lieutenant with mouth agape. He just rolls his eyes and adds. “You one of the best if not the best soldier.”

 Hand scratches the back of your head as you try to argue he cuts you off again. “You prove that today, because of you we completed the mission with zero casualties. Sure people got hurt but they didn’t die.”

 He grabs your shoulder, looks you directly in the eyes, and tells you. “Here at the 141, you are family. Never forget that you are not alone, you can lean on us, anytime.”

 You close your eyes, throw your head back, and laugh, for the first time in weeks you truly laugh. And when you open your eyes again, Ghost sees the spark back in them. Smile under his mask and tell you with mischievous, “You know soap grease up the grenade that day.”

 “The one he has been making fun of me for months now.”

 Ghost nods in confirmation, leading you to nod your head back as you say in a playful tone. “Well, I’m going to go kill him now.”

 This makes Ghost laugh as you walk away, but before you disappear around the corner, you call out. “Hey, Ghost!”

 “Yeah.“ He answers while pulling out his box of cigarettes.

 “Thank you.”

 He pulls up his mask and before placing a cigarette between his lip, calls out. “Anytime, Sparks, Anytime.”

Thank you, everyone, for reading, and let me know your thoughts. If you have a request, go here.

[shiro-s2e2-erukinzu]

Anime only watchers and people who aren't caught up with the Manga, BEWARE... Cuz I'm about to discuss Spy X Family Mission 74... You have been warned...! 👌

[SPOILERS AHEAD FROM THIS POINT ON]

Oh man, I can't believe this...

THIS CHAPTER WAS INSANE!!! 😵😵😵

So let's start with something that everyone's been wondering about... Yor wondering where Anya is and why she hasn't come home yet...:

And boy does she find out that something's amiss...!

Then, after a month of waiting, we finally find out Anya's plan to stop the bus from being blown up is...!! And, well...:

ANYA, YOU ABSOLUTE MAD LAD...!! 🤣

But then, she says this:

Which was similar to what Billy's daughter, Biddy, once said to him...! And in turn, it reminded Billy of Biddy...!!

And after a few more back and forths between Anya and Billy (some of which were absolutely silly ☺), we get another flashback about Biddy and the kind of person she was:

"Be a giver, not a taker." "Help each other up, don't hold each other down."

Those words really warmed my heart because Billy was the reason why Biddy was the way she was...! 💗

And so, Billy decided to give up...

But the bus driver, Vadim, wasn't going down without a fight... So he started driving the bus, tried to get away, eventually crashed it, and TOOK ANYA AS A HOSTAGE!! 😱 (Which was actually something that I thought Billy was gonna do originally, but I digress...!)

But then...:

MARTHA SAVED THE DAY!!! 😆 SHE WAS THE TRUE MVP THIS CHAPTER...!!! 👏😁

(But, I would also give the MVP honor to Mr. Henderson for jumping in the way of the gun pointed at Anya...!! 😎)

And so, The Red Circus was finally stopped... But what's gonna happen now...? 🤔

And that was Mission 74, a great chapter to start off this year's Spy X Family content!! 😄 I don't know if everyone will be pleased by the out come of this chapter, but I really enjoyed it and that's what really matters to me at least...!! 😊

I honestly have no clue what's gonna happen next because Endo is an absolute mad man that loves to pull the rug from under our feet! He is the literal personification of "Never let them know your next move"...!! 👌😎

But, before I go... I just wanted to let y'all know that last week was a pretty rough one for me, hence why I didn't post or reblog anything for a whole week... Everything's a lot better now, but it was still a very scary experience... Maybe one day I'll share what happened, but for now, I'll just leave it at that...

Anyway, I hope that you all have a wonderful week and I'll see you all in the Mission...!! 💗 Take care and be safe out there...!! 👋😊

[lythea-creation]

Your Sibling is better - Platonic Layan x fem reader, platonic Hazem x reader

summary: (f/n) is the younger sister of Laith and at the same time a close friend of Layan. But while Layan and Laith get closer, Hazem and (f/n) do as well, just in another way. So what happens when Hazem finds out about Layan and Laith?

warnings: family issues, violence

word count: 1.332

Author's note: Feel free to check out my Masterlists and make requests. No reposting please! Reblogging, comments and requests are always appreciated. If you like the story/my writing, please don't be shy to say it via comments or asks! It takes you a few seconds and might make my day. It's the best appreciation you can show to a writer you like.

requested by: @sasuhina970

-------------------------------------

“Thanks for the ride, Hazem”, I proposed while Layan, Rania and I were leaving his car.

“You're welcome. See you around”, he exclaimed and drove away.

“You know you don't have to be nice to him, right?”, Layan inquired.

“Why should I not be?”, I shot back.

“Never mind”, she brushed it off. “I can't wait to look for an outfit to wear during the school festival!”

“It's gonna be awesome”, Rania agreed excitedly.

Layan and I had been friends since forever, including Rania a few years later. They were like sisters to me, especially Layan.

“What about you, (f/n)? Any idea what kinda outfit you're looking for?”, Layan wondered.

“No, not yet”, I proclaimed.

“What are you guys waiting for? Let's go!”, Rania encouraged us.

After a long day at the mall and finding the perfect outfits, Hazem picked us up again and brought us home.

Layan had always had her difficulties with her brothers because of their overprotective, possessive behavior, but I actually really liked Hazem. He never hesitated to give us a ride, no matter the timing.

Over time he had become like a brother to me as well, checking that I did not do anything reckless. It was great to have somebody who cared about me in such a deep way. My mom was usually too busy to deal with me thanks to her job as the Principal and as my brother Laith was living at his bachelor pad my home was feeling empty most of the time.

Layan was envying me for it, but honestly it was lonely. So I enjoyed spending time at her place, where it was never truly quiet.

Nowadays Hazem had started giving me rides without Layan coming along. He had even given me his phone number in case I needed his help.

“Hey, you okay? You're really quiet?”, Hazem noted on the drive back home.

“Just tired. I tried on too many clothes I guess”, I laughed it off.

In reality I did not want to return home where nobody was waiting for me. But I could not tell him that, or anyone really. Otherwise I would appear ungrateful. After all I was living in wealth. So what had I to complain about?

“How was your day?”, I asked him, while Rania and Layan were chatting on the backseats.

“Pretty uneventful. Just dealt with some business and drove you around”, he pointed out.

“Thanks again. I really appreciate it”, I remarked.

“It's nothing. I have to make sure that you all are safe, right? We're living in a crazy world”, he noted. “Are you coming over next week again?”

“Probably. Though I don't know yet. My dad wanted me to help him out with something, but I don't know when”, I enlightened him.

“Just give me a call if you want me to pick you up”, he offered.

I thanked him once again before leaving the car to walk to the front door of my home.

To my surprise mom was actually home, but she sent me away when I greeted her. So I would not distract her from her paper work. I was used to it by now, but it still hurt. Her work was always more important than me.

I missed the time when Laith had still been home. Lately he never seemed to have time for me, only for Layan, which hurt even more.

When I texted him if I could come over tomorrow he did not answer. I was sick of it. On the one hand I just wanted to give our relationship up. On the other hand I could not do so without one last try. So I walked back down to the kitchen where my mom was working.

“Hey mom. Can you drive me over to Laith's place tomorrow, please?”, I requested.

“Can't he pick you up? I don't have time to drive you around”, she stated.

“He doesn't answer me”, I explained.

“(f/n), I really don't have time for this right now. Can we talk about it another time?”

There were dozens of words screaming to get out. I wanted to tell her that there would not be another time because there never was. I wanted to tell her that she never listened to me, that other people's kids were more important to her than her own. But I knew that it was pointless. So I gulped it all down and retreated back to my room.

My mind traveled back to Hazem and his promise to help me out. So I decided to explain the situation to him and ask him to give me a ride. I did feel like a burden, thanks to the way my mom was treating me, but Hazem assured me that it was no problem.

On the next day Hazem and I were talking through the whole ride, even laughing together. I fully enjoyed this moment of peace and joy until I had to leave this happy place to face my brother.

“Is that your uniform?”, Hazem wondered, pointing to a school uniform hanging over a drying rack.

I was taken off guard by that question.

Suddenly Hazem's phone screen blinked as he got a message.

He looked at it for a few seconds before his face turned into an expression I had never seen on him until now.

Without uttering a word he opened the glove compartment and pulled out a weapon.

“Hazem, what are you doing?”, I inquired, my voice shaking.

He stayed silent and left the car to go to the front door of the bachelor pad.

Quickly I followed behind him to see what was going on. My brain did not seem to work due to the stress. But when Hazem started hammering on the door and calling out his sisters name, I finally understood.

As nobody opened the door he opened it himself with brute force.

My blood was pumping even more when I realized that Layan was only wearing one of my brothers shirts and her underwear. I did not know what to do or say. My body and mind were both frozen.

I just came back to my senses when Hazem started beating Laith up.

Layan and I both yelled at Hazem to stop. Out of reflex I took a hold of his arm. But instead of stopping him my attempt only made his elbow meet my face. Hazem did not even notice.

For a moment I stayed on the floor, waiting for the blurriness to fade.

But when he pointed his gun at Layan, I jumped back up and placed myself in the middle of the siblings. “Hazem, you have to stop. Please”, I begged him.

It was obvious that he did not want any of this either. His eyes were glassy, his expression one of absolute distress and pain.

“I'm sure nothing happened. I know them both. Layan would never risk to bring shame over your family like that. And Laith would never cross this line as long as Layan doesn't want it and she's a minor. Please, I promise you that there's an explanation. You don't want this. None of us does. So let's sit down and talk about it, before you do something you'll regret and can never take back”, I resonated.

His hand was shaking.

“I won't move. If you want to shoot her instead of talking this whole thing out, you'll have to get past me first. You don't wanna hurt us. I know you as well”, I declared.

Slowly he let his hand sink to his side.

I could see that he was close to crying, just like I was.

Gently I pulled him into my arms until he relaxed. Relief washed over all of us as we were trying not to think about the worst case that had almost erupted.

[hydn-jpg]

hello!! i am alive !!!!

how have y'all been? i've definitely been better lol

so... i can explain. or maybe not. i've never been good at talking about things but i'll do my best

under the cut bc a bunch of things happened and this'll probably be very long:

honestly where do i even start?

it has been a very rough almost month and a half for me, it was as if whatever god or entity out there went "lol wouldn't it be funny if we made this person go through several bad things all within the span of a few weeks" and then did just that

in early august i got a call from my mom that my grandmother had passed away. i had just gotten home from class at the time, but i immediately went out again and took the soonest available flight back to korea for her funeral. losing her hit me pretty hard honestly, she was the one i turned to when things were hard, and was also the only one who was generally supportive of my identity and sexuality. she didn't really get it, but she never made homophobic or transphobic comments, and was always kind and unconditionally loving. chuseok this year will be difficult without her around but at least she is in a better place i hope.

i took two weeks off from school to stay with my family after that. when i got back i was mostly catching up on all the classes i missed so i had very little time to do anything else. the stress coupled with all the physical exertion and everything else lead me to have the worst asthma attack i've experienced as of yet, it could've gotten a lot worse if it weren't for my kind neighbours who rushed to help me when they saw me struggling in the hallway

then in late august i got into a car accident. i was driving home from campus (which is an hour away), it was raining very heavily and i guess i lost control of my car. i am not sure what exactly happened honestly, one moment i was driving peacefully (and at appropriate speed for driving in the rain) and the next moment my car was spinning around and hitting the guardrails before crashing. it sounds cliché but everything was in slow motion and i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. i'm really thankful that the highway was basically empty, so no one else was affected. i somehow came out of the accident with only a concussion, a badly sprained arm and neck and some cuts and bruises. those will surely heal with time but the trauma of it will probably stay for quite a while.

so that's what happened. my mental health has not been great but i've been feeling a bit better lately! so that's good. i've been too physically, mentally and emotionally drained to do anything haha.

i probably won't be able to draw for a while thanks to my injury so you won't be seeing any art from me for at least another month or so,, to people i still owe commissions to, i will have to give you an IOU because again, i can't draw rn but also because i lost basically all the art that i haven't backed up during the crash, which unfortunately includes the commission sketches :( i'm so sorry, i'll redraw them as soon as i'm able to. i really wish procreate had an automatic cloud backup system so at least the sketches i did were saved but we can't always get what we want i guess,,

thank you to everyone who reached out and asked about my wellbeing and i'm really sorry for ignoring your messages and tags. i'll get to them as soon as i can!

tldr; my grandma passed, i had a bad asthma attack and i got into a car accident but i am okay. not really but i'll be okay maybe. lmao.

[littlespacereader]

My trip to Disney’s Hollywood Studios as a Regressor🥰🎀

Here’s a little thread talking about my time at Walt Disney World’s Hollywood Studio. I’ll talk about the different experiences I had, rides, toys and more! Thread below🧵⏬ (SFW!) :)

Just a little disclaimer😁

I went on this trip as a family vacation. So I wasn’t able to regress fully like I normally would when home alone. My family doesn’t know about my regression at all. My mom has a sort of idea but just thinks I’m young at heart. I didn’t fully regress but that didn’t stop me from feeling little at Disney. I mean it’s hard not to at a park made for kids! With that out of the way let’s get into it!

First and foremost let’s talk about Florida right now😬🔥

It’s HOT! When I went we had 85% humidity and 95 degrees outside. Despite putting sunscreen on TWICE I got sunburn on my face, shoulder and back. I think I drank about 4 water bottles and still felt lightheaded.

The best advice is to pace yourself. Anytime I felt myself getting over heated I went to a restaurant and relaxed for a couple or I went to an easier attraction like Muppets 3D show, Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway, Frozen Singalong or Star Tours.

Get yourself a refillable water bottle! There are plenty of spots around the park that have water bottle filling stations which are great for keeping cool under this crazy heat in the summer!

Let’s talk about the best attractions for Regressors😆🎢🎠

For younger Regressors like myself I suggest:

Star Tours - I absolutely love Star Wars. If you love Star Wars too and want a more milder ride then Star Tours is your ride. It’s a thrilling attraction. But the beginning is so cute! You walk through a Star Wars theme “airport” with R2D2 bickering with C-3PO. Then the attractions has C-3PO driving your spaceship while you sit in a seat with a seat belt and 3d classes. If you love Star Wars this ride is BEYOND FUN!

Muppets 3D Vision - As a HUGE muppets fan I love this attraction. It’s the best for those like myself who need a break and some AC. You sit in a theater and watch a 3d show of the muppets! I mean, what more could you want! It also has firework lights on the ceiling and the old men critics are sitting with you in their own little box. So cute!!

Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway - I LOVE THIS RIDE! It’s such a relaxing yet fun ride! The theme of the ride is being able to step into a cartoon with Mickey and Minnie. Goofy is hilarious! There are so many Easter eggs too. Gotta keep an eye out. I was giggling the whole time. There’s a photo I took of the cartoon characters building the railway, (see photo below) and if you look around the photo you can see the walls are decorated to look cartoonish! Super detailed and immersive!

Toy Story Mania - This is another super fun ride! You sit in a ride vehicle with a blaster and 3d glasses. (Now writing this I realized there are a ton of rides with 3D glasses😅😂)

Frozen Singalong - I’ve never personally been to this show myself because my siblings would kill me for even suggesting it. But I’ve seen clips of it and it looks so fun! It’s a Frozen themed show that talks about the story and has the audience sing along to songs from the first movie! Great way to beat the heat and regress a bit:)

Now some rides for older Regressors:

Slinky Dog Dash - This is a milder rollercoaster (in my crazy rollercoaster experience). I absolutely love this ride because it’s smack in the middle of Toy Story land and is themed with different characters spread around the rollercoaster. These characters include: Jessie, Rex, and Squeaky. Throughout Toy Story land and this ride everything is made up of toys, making you feel like a toy yourself. Giant Janga logs and alphabet blocks make up these attractions. The ride itself is literally slinky dog and he talks throughout the ride. It honestly feeling like your on a Slinky when riding it! (See my photos below😁)

Rockin Rollercoaster - This is a high speed, intense, upside down rollercoaster. If you’re a crazy rollercoaster fan like myself then this is your ride! The theme of this ride is that the band Aerosmith wants you to go to their concert so you go in a stretched limo ride vehicle. I will warn those who go on a bit milder rollercoasters, this is not for the faint of heart. This ride starts off launching you from a stand still to 57 mph speeds (91 kilometers per hour) straight into a loopy loop. I haven’t been on this ride in a really long time when I went on this trip. The launch had me really feeling the g-forces. But I’m a crazy rollercoaster fan so I greatly enjoyed it! (See photo below for ride vehicle)

Tower of Terror - Another high thrill attraction. Besides myself I don’t know anyone else who enjoys this ride. The theme is a elevator that suddenly breaks and drops. It drops you about 4 or 5 times and it’s fast! So fast that you fly for a second or two off your seat (don’t worry you’re wearing a seat belt). I like that weightless feeling but it’s not for everyone.

Star Wars Smugglers Run - If you’re a Star Wars fan like myself then you’re gonna love Galaxy’s edge! It’s a whole section of the park that is theme to look like a Star Wars planet! The attractions in this section are Smugglers Run and Rise of the Resistance. Smugglers Run is a simulator ride where you literally pilot the Millennium Falcon! It sits 6 people, 2 pilots, 2 gunners and 2 engineers. I love this ride! Who wouldn’t want to fly the Falcon?!

Star Wars Rise of the Resistance - This is the most immersive Star Wars ride I’ve ever been on. It feels like you’ve been taken into space! I don’t want to spoil much of this ride because there are a lot of surprises but it’s beyond cool! One drop at the end but mostly a smooth and easy ride! (See photo below of an x-wing!)

Alien Saucers - A spinning attraction in Toy Story land. If you’re not for spinning rides it might not be your speed because you don’t control the spinning part of it. It sort of whips your ride vehicle around itself. It’s a lot of fun and adorable themed.

Let’s talk food!🥨🍭🍪

In my opinion Hollywood studio isn’t the greatest when it comes to food. But it does do well with snack. As someone with a lot of stomach issues I stayed away from the greasier options and opted for eating a Mickey Pretzel! For sweets they had funnel cake and a Mickey Mouse cookie! I got the cookie but the funnel cake looked amazing too. For all you muppet fan they have a Rizzo themed pizza restaurant that makes pretty decent pizza. They also have a lot of nicer sit down restaurants like one where you sit in a mini car or a 50’s themed restaurant. Overall not too bad!

For those with Disabilities going to Disney💘

Before you even go to the park, make an appoint to talk with Disney’s disability center. They were super accommodating to my needs and made a plan for how I would navigate my day around the park. This is extremely helpful for anyone with any disability. They were extremely kind and understanding. Without this I don’t think my day at the park would’ve been as easy as it was.

The nighttime shows!🎆🏰

Hollywood Studios offers two different shows to end the day with: Fantasmic or the regular projection firework show.

The projection firework show is nice if you don’t want to be in a crowded show area. There is plenty of space and you get to see a series of different movies and show throughout the years projected on the main theater. It ends the night with fireworks that are super cool!

Fantasmic! - This is there you want to go for the coolest show to end the night at Hollywood Studios. It does get VERY crowded. It’s a major production show complete with fireworks, fire, projections, lights and even water special effects. Mickey Mouse host the show! It’s about using your imagination! The show features: Mickey, the villains of Disney, Pocahontas, Elsa, Moana, Aladdin, The lion king, beauty and the beast, the little mermaid and Erik, Snow White and the Prince, and many more! One of the coolest shows I’ve ever seen!! You gotta see this! My little side was screaming inside! So much fun! The show ends with a river boat with all you’re fav Disney character! (See below for photo!)

What I got myself at the park!🧸🚂

I got myself a stuffie of one of my fav Star Wars characters Princess Leia! She’s not super soft but I thought of her more as a protector to watch over me at night! She’s got her classic white outfit and side buns! As a HUGE Toy Story fan, I got myself Rex! I have a stuffie of him but not an actual Rex! So I got him to join my collection of Toy Story themed toys. I also got myself a pin of baby Minnie. She’s so cute and I felt she related to my little side!

Overall I had a TON of fun being a Regressor at a theme park. It doesn’t matter if you’re with your family or by yourself. You can still regress a little and be yourself at Disney! Disney is for the kid inside of all of us, so let your inner child out! I hope all this info helps you if you plan on making a trip to Hollywood Studios! If you have any questions please feel free to message me!😁🎆🏰

Photos!📸🎞️

Slinky Dog Dash

Rockin Rollercoaster

Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway

Fantasmic

Star Wars Rise of the Resistance