#home ... is where i want to be. but i guess im already there !
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here's an update for all the "tOuRiSm iS fOr ThE pEoPlE" fucks. always remember that the second anyone steps foot on that land in the name of "tourism" or any other haole institution, that is colonizing&that person is a fucking explicit modern colonizer who made the conscious decision to be one and has spent a lot of fucking money on that trip to get their title. only that kine want more of their kin there-- don't pretend that shit is for anyone else.
drop dead of spontaneous combustion specifically, not even the sharks would want that pīlau fucking meat.
#video footage of haole families already in burnt wasteland is so fucking dystopic its almost funny#'funny' in the way of 'i might have rabies bc im foaming at the mouth lol'. bc fuck if i wouldnt literally#rip these ppl to fucking shreds. god bless whoever took the pics&vids bc i couldnt havd held my tongue.#you know we're all fucked when the governor is holding private back-chamber business-only meetings#to decide to open a fire wasteland two months after 1000+ ppl were killed&where ppl are still looking for remains to tourism#&it honestly seems so much less disgusting bc theres literally footage of haole families already disregarding any form of boundaries.#like this is what we've come to lmao.#i have so. much. violence. in me&no where to put it lmao. i want to go home. i miss home so bad. i am so fucking homesick.#i think the next person who responds to finding out im from hawaii w anecdotes of their trip there will probably get knocked out.#like i dont actually think i should be held responsible for that first hit. anything after is fair game tho i guess.#undescribed
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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whateverrr. sashamilla with this must be the place by talking heads as their first dance song at their wedding. if you even care .
#home is where i want to be but i guess im already there WAHHH#i was making a comic with them for this song ages ago but i gave up. will revisit one day perhaps …#maple rambles
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i guess i should make a cohost now
#pretty depressing to hear how they've actually handled this case#considering the stupid fucking CEO actually dug through her blog to find posts where he personally was 'threatened' before terminating her#he literally could not avoid seeing all the posts where she was harassed by leagues of terfs. and chose to ignore them#no action taken against YEARS harassment. only 'death threats' towards the staff. okay#i guess admitting fault on their end would force them to admit their incompetence towards helping her and other trans women#and incompetence in properly reinforcing their guidelines in regards to the people & terfs who harassed her#better to just get rid of her than to admit any of that. huh#i want to put together an actual post with information just proving how horribly mistreated by staff she was#but with all her blogs fully terminated... not easy to find the posts im looking for#diary#others have already done it too but like. with few concrete examples and re-traceable evidence#not like any more proof is needed. but it hits the point home much much harder
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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born with a weak heart I GUESS I MUST BE HAVING FUN
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and maybe its not fair to yori or kohaku for the emotion to be love.. like idk. kohaku's view of her actions VS what those actions truly are are completely opposite
#Also i really hope im being nonstereotypical when it comes to BPD. Kohaku's is just a very extreme case+combined with other mental disorders#It might make more sense for Kohaku to have come from a home where love is distorted that way but I like her backstory?#I mean being in the spotlight and watched all the time since theyre like nobles#Being held to an extremely high standard since childhood#and nothing below those standards being accepted in any form#would have a negative mental effect on someone with BPD already right?#Hmm#im trying to think of the core reason kohakus view of love is so deluded#Like Kohaku was held up to those standards had a very uptight household no mistakes aloud#her obvious disorder was completely ignored; her mother refusing to believe her daughter was “crazy”#and this would destroy their social standing in her mind#and the whole no daughter of mine is some “psycho” type mindset#Kohaku was told to push it all down . pretend she's fine . mantain her perfect grades etc#So yknow there was obvious neglect there. rich parents. I wouldnt say kohaku was spoiled but shed always get what she wanted#So maybe that could be part of her obsession with yori? i guess? and how#a person of such lower social standing would be utterly unacceptable for kohaku to be associated with#and Yori is so unique in Kohaku's eyes- she's an angry righteous person that takes risks and doesn't care#what people think of her when public image was#taught to kohaku to be everything to their family.#so like being with someone like yori could be a sort of freedom from this life Kohaku's forced to live#like Kohaku has always been able to be herself around Yori#even when she started to get really clingy all the time yori didn't mind#and shed try to help her with her manic episodes and everything- her anxiety/paranoia etc#and when Kohaku felt like shed lose Yori (when she met Tatsuko)#she did everything she could Not to lose her. (lying&sabotaging Yori's relationship with Tatsuko)#cus she didnt want to lose the only tether she had outside of her nobility. or whatever.#... What was i talking about originally
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something so hilarious to me is that shri'iia becomes an oath breaker bc she failed to follow the tenets of lolth's paladins when she's on her own in the surface. like she did such a bad job on being a Lolth Paladin that she even ended up fucking an elf
#lolth: fuck elves fr!#shri'iia thinking it was literal and on her way to fuck a vampire elf: yeah! fuck elves!#joke aside im thinking up of her timeline. the oath breaking is like half-way through act 1 / after the whole tiefling-goblin dilemma#is resolved. but she doesn't accept the oath breaker role until the end of act 1 so she just spent the whole time grappling the fact that#her resolve + sense of self (since her oath is a culmination of that) is gone and the astarion romance was just a distraction for her#or else she'll have to face that sinking void 💃🕺 not to mention the stress of the tadpole. realization that she can't go back home anymore#realization that she'd probably get hunted down by lolth and her followers for failing her / and get turned into a drider if she ever#returned back home. the whole loss and dread of not knowing where to go/what to do when nothing wants you anymore#when you're worth NOTHING now ... slowly seeing her relationship with her matriarch for what it really was. .. trying to process THAT...#so when a distraction presents itself she just jumps into it no thoughts head empty. so its also her using him as much as he's#using her. she's like i already broke all the lolth paladin rules let me break one more i guess 😭#oc: shri'iia.#omg im finally remembering to use this tag smh
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Me (im brain poisoned): i think this is kiryu and haruka
#Yakuza loveblog#haruka is his LITTLE angel. fuck our lives both#home is where i want to be !!! but i guess im already there ...#i come home. she lifted up her wings. <- like do i have to say it ...#did i find you or did you find me ? haruka is straight up his little blessing he loves his baby so much ...#it was literally fate that pushed them together. her birth father hunting her down. her stumbling right into the arms of her adopted father#do you understand what it means to be someones little baby ... to be cared for protected .. raised ...#kiryu is a man that should never have been a father and yet and yet and yet haruka chose him above anybody else#maybe just maybe (she thinks) maybe she was pur on this earth to be his child ...#stick by him ... make him a little less lonely .. if someone asks this is where ill be ..#im just an animal looking for a home ... and share the same space for a minute or two ...
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#meg talks#came home to a notice of a lease violation and i was like ?! WYM#turns out it’s bc. i have one (1) small plastic storage bin on my patio tucked into the corner where u can hardly even see it#can landlords like. die#i am so pissed off sorry im fucking poor and can’t afford to make my patio look all pretty to raise ur goddamn property value#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#it’s fixed easily enough i guess but oooooo the fucking thought of calling them tomorrow like#sowwy for using my living space in a way that harms no one and nothing#won’t do it again pinky swear 🥺#GO TO HELL!!! AAAAAAA#IM ALREADY CRAMMING THREE PPL INTO A ONE BRDROOM APARTMENT I DONT HAVE FUCKING SPACE FOR SHIT!!!!#im literally so pissed off over like nothing im just. this made the stress bubble burst ig#now i want to scream from a hilltop or smth
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/19.1.25
#god everything hurts again#you think it’s over and then you’re deep down in the pit again#I see life makes no sense at all again and lately has happened that I expressed myself more or less openly about how everything sucks to m#to my parents#and there you think like if I can’t even hide that anymore then it’s bad#even now that it’s supposed to be okay ????#yet I have trouble keeping up with the society and what people expect and I can’t be bothered to clean#I’ve had a cold for 2 weeks and I’m so done#and still I’m wasting time to do things for my stupid Wordpress blog#I wish I could evaporate or be 10 again or even 18 maybe but even then I was so miserable in other ways#tho I didn’t have to worry about life as much#I was anxious about the future and figuring out public transport and no romantic experience at all#I don’t know#I just studied and was at peace at home#I do miss my parents and family and now I am just here aching but I wouldn’t be happy there either#I was aching there too it was just different aching#i saw one American I know got engaged to a Dane and im like wow they are settled#I am just waiting for something to happen once a year and for the rest I am purposelessly aching#and now I have to be grateful that I have heating and a job and stability though days like this I’d jump off a cliff if I were sure I’d die#I feel like I can’t do things right and people get disappointed and I’m like I can’t help it and I hate it all feel like life is only this#and my mother said to stop commiserating myself that you just learn to do things right and#I said it home I said here I am free to do what I want elsewhere I always have to worry about what others think or expect and I’m so done#so I was happy a few hours with a Scot and that was it for god knows how long#just let me die already#oh update the friend that feels like he wants to get closer#saw a story where I say I’ve been sick and talk about coming here baking cookies for me and spoiling me#sounds hella uncomfortable#i got one fresh bitch in mind now soon in fucking Texas and he kissed other 4 girls on the same night anyway I guess#besides that I can’t think of anyone that I know I’d want that from but I am not making a mess to know anyone that’s it#and I’m here aching anyway and no one that would want to help me is someone I wish to have around but that’s a classic for humanity
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Who up reminiscing while listening to this must be the place by talking heads 2005 remaster
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Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
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#back to Overthinking HDJDJDNDNDN#glad i got called in to work tomorrow LOL#personal#i should just ask him to hang out n get it over with BUT IM SCAREDNFJFJDJXKXM#theres nothing to even be scared of bc im pretty sure im the reason he even showed up last time NDNNDNDND#literally texted me like. youre going tonight right. and then saying it should be thrilling (sarcastically. he doesnt feel much toward the#other ppl we were meeting JDJJFJD. hes said this on several occassions)#n e way. one of us has to put on our big girl pants n i guess it has to be ME DNNDJDJXJX#im also like irrationally worried that he'll find someone else. idk where since he works at home anyway and overtime on top of that but#HJDJXJXJZJZ HHHHHHH#if thats the case tho then hes not the guy for me n thats that ya.... HDNDJDJDJ#literally hurting myself on ourpose like this is so fucjed up JDJDJJDD#why cant i just like. accept that maybe he does like me. like for sure we're friends n he cares about me enough but if its romantically...#well i dont want to Assume........#but i dont think you go to dinners filled with ppl you dislike just to hang out with a friend. i really dont NDJDJDNNZ#n e way#im just afraid to think that somethung good may happen for once. like its already a lot to handle rn that i have a job#if i also have a bf thats.... well is that even allowed for me to have#this sounds so JDJDJDJDJDJ irrational ik. but in my mind its like. idk. other ppl can do these 2 good things at once but i Can't......#idk
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uh oh! worlds stupidest little guy used the wrong lotion and now everything smells like my childhood bathroom and the year is 2016 and its february which means its almost valentines day which is perhaps the most accursed date on the calendar and the year is 2016 and your least favorite little guy is in full blown survival panic mode!
#fuuuuuuuuck#head in hands#i fucking . have had perhaps the worst week ive had in years . including all my time in indy last year#i have not had a single win since . idk. last saturday maybe ?#uhhhhh i dont like springtime its the most painfully nostalgic time of year#and idk why i even have this lotion but everything is dry and itchy so i was like hey im gonna treat myself to some basic self care#and now my apartment smells like my second suicide attempt and everything is horrible actually . into the garbage with you.#im going to stick my legs into the fireplace and hopefully the smell of burning flesh will drown it out!!!!!#that is. not serious. im just like. fuck#i was supposed to go home tommorrow but yet another tragedy has struck because the universe fucking hates me#so now i domt know whether i want to or not#like. is it better to grieve alone in my apartment where i (usually) feel safe#or should i go home and be surrounded by grieving family which is. a whole other process i dont know if i want to deal with#pros. i get to see loki and i am extremely pet deprived . cons. my parents are going to ask me questions about my life#and also i have to sleep in my childhood bedroom a week away from my most mentally ill day of the damn year#ugm. um. yeah#i need to cry but i havent been able to cry in a really long time and i know it would be cathartic#but also its already 1030 pm and i cant spend two more hours having a sobbing fest because i have work in the morning#and i dont know how to make myself cry without doing things that would be even more damaging to my mental state#so instead i will stare at a wall and hope the smell goes away and try to fall asleep. i fucking guess#uhhhhhhhhhhhhhg#im holding it together by a fucking thread and boy is it fraying
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