#hit them RIGHT in the crippling self doubt

[frownyalfred]

Pissed-off Batkid: “I’m not Batman.”

[authority figure] who’s about to ruin their entire year: “Yeah, that much is pretty obvious. Because Batman would’ve already figured a way out of this shit.”

[3liza]

seriously though from my experience dealing with other rich middle aged men I can tell you this right here, what we are witnessing right now, is the root of much evil in the world.

guys like Matt own and run everything that's privatized and larger than a certain level of scale. these guys get put in a steel tunnel from childhood onward into this weird little knotted ball of insecurity and entitlement, with no time spent during their youth in developing any interpersonal skills at all that aren't "talking slightly too loudly at a corporate party". I've worked as a domme, and a ton of these guys start hiring dominatrices when they get to Matt's age because they're unable to maintain anyone's attention without paying for it anyway and are so crippled with insecurity they can't be honest with women in their lives if they have any. this doesn't help them much because inauthentic human connection makes things worse. exposing even mild, normalized fetishes make them shut down and lash out, but it's not just a sex thing, it's their whole lives. I've watched so many of them hit their 40s, have a bunch of money and a little power, and realize all the poor degenerates they've spent their lives treating like a spectacle or a fantasy are the ones actually having fun, and who other people actually enjoy spending time around. this is pure speculation on my part, idk anything about his personal life and am not trying to find out. the posts are enough to diagnose a dozen extremely pressing problems he will have to painstakingly deconstruct in $10,000 Ayahuasca retreats to get anywhere.

and I wouldn't be so critical about their personal failings as a class of people if they didn't make those failings everyone else's problem. they are fully aware they are fucking up but have always been able to get immediate gratification by standing still and screaming until someone brings them exactly what they need. they know they could use their money to put people in houses or feed them, they deal with this by just not thinking about it. no one has ever genuinely liked them and they're aware of this, often including their own parents. they are frustrated with women. they have zero creative outlets and no skills. even if they have relationships they don't fall in love or experience limerance. all they do is make money or handle money, they are incapable of performing real labor and are alienated from the concept of labor itself so they invent weird orthorexias and compulsive exercise schedules to feel like they're performing labor. a lot of them develop substance problems because it alleviates some of the crippling inhibition and self doubt, but that causes more problems. some of them are narcissists or sociopaths which helps them cope with the extreme isolation but a lot of them arent, and just constantly afflicted with the same problems people get in solitary confinement or being the pariah at a high school. any of them could opt out of all this crap at any time and simply choose not to. these guys are ruining everything.

[rin-and-jade]

I'm Definitely Faking: A Post about Self Doubt

Alright, i get it. Many people had done things like these but it won't stop me from taking this topic deeper than anyone had done (as i ever read them too) so, for any of you who are interested, or attempt to find a dedicated answer/discussion around this topic, please and PLEASE read it, you will not regret this.

I'm very sure most of you are doing your usual routine, until a thought strike at you fast as lightning, "wait, what if i'm just faking __", or if you knew something you "shouldn't" (say, being a system) then it makes you spiral down the rabbit hole, right? And it is not beautiful, it's extremely taxing both emotionally and mentally. Nobody wants to lie accidentally to people, what if we're actually fine? How would you know? Are you tricking people to get the attention you never received as a child?? How would you actually know?? And etc. I will tell you how. It will stop those doubts for good.

Where it all started..

First of all, anything can be the starting point to where it all goes down. But, generally speaking i think it stems from how people think of what being a system is like, and i mean it in a personal view. Too rare to have one? Probably faking, Good communication? Faking, aware of other presence of parts? I'm faking, can't switch? Faking again, darn it. You get the idea here, right?

About that crippling doubt of mine..

Why would someone panic when they think they’re faking, when real fakers never gave a fuck? The problem is not on the disorder but more on the lack of proof for certainty,, and because you start to doubt from it, you then think you’re actually faking. I have a few to say about how it attacks, so bare with me:

Tendency to think on extremes When you start to think that having something means needing to suffer for like every single second.. that one minute period of ease and relieve will be the bullet in the gun to trigger a thought of "faking". Getting a better view that, for example how depression means you can laugh or feel good from a comfort show, does not mean you don't have depression due to that particular moment.

Focusing on the wrong dot What if i tell you, that you might be looking at the wrong side? Be it only looking at one side of the coin (biased towards looking for clues to prove yourself wrong, e.g. alters are not distinguishable from each other, and so it means you're not a system) or focusing too much about how other's experience is like and if you don't relate then you're not real, or maybe you have your own assumptions/expectations about how the disorder should look like and when it doesn't meet the criteria.. well.. you know what to say.

"I feel like.." When emotions hits to the roof, logic gets thrown out from the house. Tell me who can think well in stressful moments,, the answer is no one, some can appear more collected or have a higher tolerance before they can panic but you get the point. We all have feelings at the end of the day, no one is unfeeling and no one can escape from it,, i'm not saying you have neglect it, more like i want you to be aware when those said emotions are controlling (more like affecting) your thoughts. Too much of it can throw off the balance in rationality, easier to dismiss proof, and worser decision making. So, if you feel overwhelmed,, make a quick choice on calming yourself down, it will be easier to challenge the worries and negative thoughts once you are aware and actively practicing.

This isn't my first time..

You guessed it. Sometimes one assurance won't do the trick anymore after a few weeks, it comes back with more and more bullets to shoot you down, who says the bullets are gone when someone makes a post about people that their experience is valid? You have to work on yourself, because one day, you will doubt about something people never post and you are alone,, dealing with all the murky thoughts will be less harder, if you follow these tips:

Everyone is different, the disorder never look static and same for everyone. Having a different struggle or way of functioning never equates to being a fraud. Tell yourself that.

Focusing on evidence, not on what you don't experience or have, being a green apple does not make you a pear,, you are still an apple because of its shape and taste and overall appearance. Not just because you're green, it invalidates every other evidence of what counts as an apple.

Throw away all those unhelpful confirmations, you don't need to constantly check wether your other parts are real, you don't need to know having a blackout means you're still not faking, you don't need anything related to this? Because we are going to heal and learn, confirming becomes obsolete,, as things will change, clinging onto an image on how you should be or live like will do no good. Seeking constant assurance does more harm.

Never downplay your own experiences. Easier said than done but i know someone will say right on my face that being beaten up regularly by a father is not that bad to develop trauma or a system (for example) while it darn is. If things are downplayed more often and to many aspects, you will be more prone to thinking that you're "faking". Due to the nature that developing this disorder requires severe and ongoing trauma, and guess what,, trauma comes in all forms.

With this, it will be much easier to accept you have a disorder,, and accept that it's not all black and white, actually this can be applied with anything, but my point is that. Practice more compassion for yourself, by understanding and being aware,, and not resorting to self negativity or elses, this will not be a major problem for you ever again. Also noting that yes its alright to relapse and question everything again, but this time you fight back,, you hear me soldier?

Do you copy that, *walkie-talkie sound*

- j

[cookinguptales]

guess it's time for the vent post

(note: I will be okay. usually my ketamine treatments help with pmdd symptoms, but occasionally a treatment won't hit quite right and things will get worse for a couple days. I'll be okay, though, I'm just feeling... well, a cocktail of self-doubt, anxiety, loneliness, and overthinking. lmao)

anyway, full disclosure, this won't be a very nice or happy post and is probably the kind of thing I would've posted in a locked LJ entry back in the day but that doesn't really exist in the same way anymore so just bear with me. I need to just. get it out somewhere.

lately I've really been worrying that I'm not capable of being in a normal relationship anymore. like, I was never great at social interaction, but I'll admit that things really took a fucking nosedive after a particularly bad relationship with a woman who. well, I don't think it's a night for particulars. she was an adult and I wasn't. I was very lost, very lonely, and very sick back then, and she really enjoyed being the only person I felt like I could count on.

I... was wrong, I guess.

and... idk, I've definitely had a lot of nights since then (and days with therapists) where I try to sort through how exactly that affected me and my ability to form meaningful romantic relationships. I have a difficult time feeling safe with people. honestly, I did even before her (I had... a very fucked-up home life) but it was harder after. and let's just say that a lot of my friends at the time turned out to be... less than friendly when the shit hit the fan.

so... yeah. hard for me to open up to people in a meaningful way, I guess. like, I can tell strangers about my anxieties, but it becomes harder for me to do once we're friends. and even then, I guess I can trust people with my thoughts but not my... idk, emotional safety.

once when I was pretty tipsy I told a friend that I didn't think I could love the kind of person who would actually love me back, and I still worry that it's true. I allow myself feelings very rarely, and when I do, it's always for people who don't feel the same way.

I never... like... set out to do it... I don't think it's a conscious thing. I fell for straight girls a few times. then bi girls with boyfriends. I did eventually make it to single lesbians, but they always ended up either getting girlfriends, not wanting to date at all, or just not wanting to date me.

to be clear, I don't blame any of them. but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should be blaming me...? like, I never knew that any of them were straight or coupled or uninterested when I developed feelings myself. but I wonder if subconsciously, I picked up on it...?

for a while now, I've been genuinely worried that My Type is girls who aren't into me. :')

like, not consciously. but subconsciously, am I just picking up on the fact that they're not attracted to me? or they're safely ensconced in another relationship? or they are comfortably not dating at all? but either way, they're not looking at me like a potential partner, and I like that?

some days I feel like I've mostly healed from everything that happened, and other days I feel like I'm just going to be broken and fucked-up and unlovable forever. like, jesus christ, have I learned to associate people who actually want me with danger? do I only feel safe with people who aren't attracted to me? is that why that's the only kind of person I ever want to date?

good god, that's fucked up.

I mean, the only two alternatives, really, are that I am just incredibly unlucky or the meaner parts of me are right and people really just don't want a fat cripple with a mediocre personality.

the latter probably isn't entirely true. men are easy, unfortunately, and I'd be happier if they didn't want me.

(and then you run into the special kind of anger that happens when a woman that a man thought was beneath them actually turns them down, oof. guess they thought the girl with the cane would be more desperate, huh?)

and I've been on a few dating app dates with girls who seemed to like me well enough, but like. just no chemistry whatsoever.

is the special spark??? a woman not wanting me???

food for fucking thought.

anyway, I guess I just kind of avoided thinking about it for a long time but I'm in my mid30s now and it kind of feels like I have avoided things for too long now! that's pretty old to have never had a long-term relationship! other than with the fucking creep who wanted to ~teach me about sex~ back when I was young and less disabled and maybe still worth something!

I guess that was uncalled for, but some days I really do feel like there was a window and boy did I fucking miss it. like everyone else had this chance to learn their way around a romance and I spent mine hooked up to hospital wires and texting with a grown-ass woman who fed on youth.

I recognize that a key part of grooming -- and abusive relationships in general -- is their ability to make you feel like they are the only person who will ever love you. I also recognize that these people are very good at finding the one kid in the room who believes at their core that they will never be loved. (or even make it to age 20, I guess. didn't know if the whole intermittent blindness thing was going to kill me or not back then.)

but goddamn do I still feel like she hollowed me out and took all the parts of me that were lovable with her. like maybe she will be the only woman who ever wants me, and that's fucking horrifying to think about.

there are nights where you just stare at the wall and wonder what made you so damn attractive to pedophiles, y'know? I knew enough at that age to shake off the men, but her? didn't even see it coming.

and I suppose there are the worse nights, the ones where you wonder if normal, well-adjusted, not-creepy people never would have wanted you even if you weren't too damaged to carry on a real relationship. like maybe I was insufferable enough without the ptsd. catnip for creeps and not much else.

damn, dude, why am I so good at pulling men who follow me home from the bus stop but not women who actually care about my well-being. that's the question.

idk. I feel like at this point, like... 75% of me has come to terms with it. like, I guess it's just not something that happens to everybody. not everyone finds someone who loves them and who they love in return. not everyone is cut out for that life.

but then I look at my own writing and the way I just keep doing it, I just keep latching onto broken characters who have had the best parts of them hollowed out, who believe that they are unlovable, and I write a story that says no, you're not. Here, I've made someone for you who loves you wholly and desperately, even broken as you are.

and I feel like that must be the last 25%, huh? or at least the part of me that wants to comfort broken creatures, whether those creatures are characters I made up or ones I didn't or my readers or the people I read about on the news or maybe a 15yo kid who just wanted someone to fucking love her.

I want to take care of her so badly now. I want to love her in a good way, not the selfish kind that takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left. But I guess I just don't know how.

I realized the other day that I just wrote a book that I would have loved at that age. Now I kind of feel like I've been writing bedtime stories for a ghost.

I'll be okay. I always am. It's just... a rough night. They come and they have always come and they will always come and all I can do is write.

Just wish it were something more comforting this time. :')

[gffa]

Anakin Skywalker, questions 4 and 6

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in? Listen, I would put my babygirl in everything if I could. To be fair, he's kinda been in everything, movies, TV shows, books, games, comics, etc., you name it, Anakin Skywalker has barged his way into it. But I still want more of him. We all like to joke, "Anakin, you can't have a TV series of your own, the ENTIRE MOVIE SAGA IS ABOUT YOU." but I also genuinely would like a full TV series about Anakin. It's hard to find a point in his life that hasn't been covered, but I would love an animated mini-series covering his time as a Padawan I would love a live action series about Vader during the time of the Empire, just fully explore him at his worst and make me feel bad for the genocidal fascist asshole monster who is a "pathetic old man" underneath it all I would hand Lucasfilm fistfuls of cash for Hayden and Ewan to have a holiday special where they're Force Ghosts together and MST3K'ing the events of The Mandalorian and Ahsoka. I just want more of my babygirl however I can get it! 6. What's something you have in common with this character? Ego in the stratosphere, self-esteem in the toilet. Okay, I exaggerate a little, Anakin's not that egotistical, but he does tend to think he can pull off a lot of shit (and he's often very correct that he can) and I see him as someone who struggles with strongly believing he's good at stuff while also having the crippling self-doubt that comes with being terrified to do a lot of deep-diving into your own soul because it's scary in there and you're afraid of what you'll find, that you won't like who you are. It's taken me a long time to get past that, I've had to work so hard to believe my friends and family when they tell me that they love me and genuinely want me to be around, that I'm not just a burden to them, even when they have been nothing but supportive--I still struggle with it sometimes. I struggle with telling people what's really going on with me because I know the answers they're going to tell me and that they're right, but I don't want to do them, because it's hard and scary and uncomfortable. In part, this is why I get on Anakin's case so much (also, you know, the baby murder hits a very personal place for me), because I'm yelling at him for something that is striking a very, very resonant chord within myself, too.

[elliottjpg]

I realize I've never properly introduced my oldest and dearest brain-children here.

The Laufeyson family

also known as the Laufeyson Squad and the Independant Braincells, are "self-developping" OCs. They are somewhat aware of having been created as fully-formed people, and can interact with a version of me. I don't really make any decisions about their personality, they grow by themselves. They all have a lot of me in them, and their evolution has always been a reflection of mine.

Also, they have superpowers. That kinda just... happened. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

🦊Lilith

Oldest in terms of creation; middle child in terms of age. She has an extremely chaotic personality, and no brain-to-mouth filter. She's loud, brash and unashamed. She loves her sisters more than anything, although it hasn't always been smooth sailing. She especially had a rough relationship with Elliott in the first few years of her life, and was low-key afraid of Raven when the youngest was born; but she warmed up to her quickly.

She's a raging fangirl, the kind that has full-blown hysterical feels attacks about her OTP. She tends to jump from fandom to fandom depending on what show she's binging at the moment.

She can modify her appearance at will, as long as she always "looks like herself". She mostly uses it to play with different hairstyles, move her tattoos around, and downsize or disappear her wings (although she feels naked without them). Don't be fooled, she's shorter than Elliott, she just has thicker soles. She is also capable of creating illusions - think Minor Illusion in DnD, but without sound.

She most likely has ADHD. She's pansexual, and surprisingly the only one of the group to not have something going on with her gender; she's solidly a cis woman without the shadow of a doubt.

🔨Sacha

Second in creation (but not by much), eldest in age. Her role in the family is to protect and take care of her sisters. She used to be very aggressive about it (it involved the hammer); she is learning to be more gentle (and to use the hammer on other people). She's the more mature and level-headed of the sisters, and is recognized as the figure of authority in the family. She doesn't boss people around, but the others know that when she makes a decision for them, she's probably right. She loves her family and would do anything for them, but she doesn't hesitate to call them out on their shitty behaviour.

She has the ability to feel her sisters' emotion; everyday feelings just register as a distant presence, but she feels any strong emotions coming from them. She can also teleport between wherever she is and wherever one of her sisters is, and take one person with her. She mostly uses it to check on her family in case of strong feelings, and get them out of dangerous or uncomfortable situations (often with Raven). One of her eyes changes color depending on her mood.

She's aro-ace (something I realized years after her creation, by trying to imagine her with a S-O and just hitting a mental brick wall). She's also agender; picture Janet from The Good Place and you'll have a pretty good picture.

🦇Raven

Youngest both in age and in creation (by a couple of years). Raven is pretty much defined as a person by her crippling anxiety. However, that is a step-up from the deep depression she was born with and has (mostly) come back from. She's learning to get out of the house more and have fun with her family, although she really doesn't frequent anyone besides her sisters and another family they grew up with.

At first she only ever talked to Elliott, until Lilith roped her in to her shenanigans. She's now very close to Sacha, who is an encouraging presence in her life, and defends her when Elliott or Lilith get mad at her, which happens occasionally.

She has what I call exopathy; she projects her feelings outward and other people can feel them. It's only the negative feelings though, and she can't control it at all. Her appearance changes slightly when she's having an anxiety attack or when she's depressed: her hair gets longer, and her skin and eyes get paler.

She has no idea what her sexuality or gender are, even after all these years; she's too anxious about meeting people to even think about dating. She tried he/him pronouns for a little while, but that didn't seem to lead anywhere. I think her gender is just "anxiety".

🎨Elliott

This is literally just me if I could manifest fully-formed human beings into existence out of my brain and then sustain a family of four on my own. 👍

The not-a-real-tattoos is the Japanese word ryōtōzukai, which means "wielder of two swords" and is a euphemism for bisexuality. I wish I had two swords.

[dekaydk]

QL/BL Series I watched in 2023

This is a ridiculously long list because

I finally discovered the existence of this genre late in 2022, and after years in the desert with only occasional gay-themed media, am drinking deeply at the oasis, and

I have basically given up on other forms of TV this year (long story mostly having to do with the crap that's out there, the networks yanking content before it's finished just to avoid paying residuals…also, I will never watch another piece of Star Trek if JJ Abrams is within 1 parsec*).

I had a long period of convalescing from a broken collarbone.

*probably an obscure TOS reference but the initiates will get it

In Progress

IFYLIA

Kiseki: Dear to Me - I love all of the characters, main and support. Writing is fun, character motivations are clear, acting is good-to-excellent, directing is solid if unadventurous. And the colors! While it's not rigorously real-life, it hits harder than most because there are actual adult choices being made, and real consequences for those choices. The comedy is always in service of the plot or the characters. The cameos are off the charts. This is also an exception to my "generally don't watch BTS until the show's over" rule: the BTS have been fun. The actors are clearly having a blast.

Dangerous Romance - uneven, but not so much that I've given up. Had potential to be more of a commentary on economic strata: though there's room for more in the coming episodes, I think they missed the boat by bascially making Kang now the MC instead of Sailom, which is disappointing. Right now I can see this going into either "okay, but meh" or "don't recommend" categories, but I doubt it's gonna be a "recommend" because they haven't got the runway for a save.

Kabe-Koji-Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to be Recognized - unexpected depths to this show. The characters are revealed gradually, the comedy is a delight, the acting's great, the staging and cinematography are terrific. Quite enthused about this show.

I Can't Reach You - these two are a delight. BTW, @lurkingteapot says that they are working on their own captions, which should be infinitely better than anything else that's out there. Going to rewatch when they do post because I think it will be a far more engaging experience. (Also, if you like Japanese BLs, you should follow them for their linguistic and cultural insights.) (Note: I have no idea how to replace captions so I have to learning ahead. 😇)

One Room Angel - unconventional; not sure where this is going but I almost don't care. These two are just plain touching to watch. Only two episodes in and I'm hooked.

Finished and Enjoyed

If It's With You - so far, this is a palate cleanser I needed. Cute, sweet, low angst, and clearly made to be a dessert course, not a hearty main dish. Actors are doing a great job. (Side note: Makeup and wardrobe are doing a good job in making them look more conventional vs. how good looking they are IRL.)

Kieta Hatsukoi - this was just fantastic. Sweet, funny, and unexpectedly poignant. I see no reason to remake it, much as I appreciate Fourth and Gemini.

My Personal Weatherman - once I figured out that they'd only been living together for a short time after graduation, it fell into place. The crippling insecurity on the one hand and the cryptic overconfidence on the other made for a really engaging dynamic.

Sing My Crush - this was one of those almost perfect shows. Just watch it.

My Beautiful Man S2 - love me my babies learning to communicate, and Kiyoi taking Hira shopping and making Hira blossom for the day was delightful. This show is so unconventional and I cannot get enough. Nobody does "your low self-esteem is crippling you in ways you don't even begin to understand and people love you anyway" like Japan.

My Dating Sim - so sweet without being corn syrup. Palate cleanser.

Semantic Error - really, really enjoyed this smart autistic bossy nerd meets semi-slacker athlete artist. One of the rare shows where the actors are pretty obviously straight (BTS kinda made that clear and in the future, I am generally gonna skip BTS until the show's over) but I nonetheless bought their characters being into each other.

Laws of Attraction - I wasn't sure about this at first until I realized rather late that (a) lakorn is a thing, and (b) "lakorn = telenovela" and all the conventions that implies. After that, I sat back and enjoyed the camp and stopped being critical. Film and Jam are fun to watch, and you cannot tell me that Film didn't enjoy every second of scene chewing. The second couple were touching as all heck. And Nawin came in and briefly stole the show. And Silvy and Organ stole it back!

Unintentional Love Story - both couples were delightful; loved the pottery/creativity as a central element (and coveting it for my own). Looking forward to more of Ho Tae and Dong Hee in S2.

DNA Says Love You - Although I kinda had the plot twist figured out early—admit it, the casting for Amber was absolutely perfect—I still loved the journey. The "witch in the woods" bit was fun, even if I'm not a fan of predestination-style plots (I prefer characters arrive at their destination without supernatural assistance). I could watch Erek all day. Slightly slow to get out of the starting blocks but worth the time.

Color Rush - I'm not easily sold on fantasy premises but I enjoyed this one. Love interest played by Hur Hyun Jun was straight out of a manga panel (that jawline). Sadly, he withdrew from a reprise of the character in S2, I'm told because fans got weird. (Fans, learn to separate the artist from the art.)

Not Me - be gay, do crimes against the oligarchy. Gorgeous cast: Gun, Off, First, Gawin, Mond, Film; good cinematography; nice character arcs. Not perfect (Todd's character in general, and I never did get why Black got beat up in the first place; they kinda ended up at "it's just so"), but in general the show strove for a higher level. Fun fact: written by a (then-?) member of the Thai parliament.

Old Fashion Cupcake - devoted junior dogsbody doggedly digs dense dejected boss out of dumps. Okay, my alliterative talents are low today. Cute, and goes unexpectedly hard during the confession scene, and after. Thoroughly enjoyable and a bit of a rumination on how people can pigeonhole themselves to their own detriment.

To My Star and To My Star 2 - ah, these two. The sunshine man has to go hardcore to get his man to see his own value. I would rewatch this just for fun.

Takara-kun and Amagi-Kun - Oh, to be in high school with good friends who help you figure out your feelings. I will hear no criticism of this perfect little dessert.

Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice But to Kiss! - the unlucky/lucky balance gimmick could have been annoying but they made it work. Sweet, simple, seriously cute actors, very much in earnest comedy. Palate cleansing fun.

My Engineer - main couple: okay but I've already mostly forgotten them. RamKing were different. Ram's character was absolutely coded as autistic but no one ever used the word, no one called him weird, and King figured it out and went with it, no problems. Loved that part. (King had his plant obsession so maybe he got it on one level.) Also, the way RamKing ended left a huge opportunity for the fanfic on them, much of which has been great. Sadly, there won't be an S2.

The Eclipse - writing could have been sharper (pace and motivation needed work) but Khao and First were a ton of fun to watch. Loved the junior queens being the most fearless troublemakers.

Big Dragon - went into it knowing it would be a trash-the-pub watch 😎 yet it actually ended up a little more solidly than I had expected. Plenty of heat, and now I get why people are MosBank fans. Fun fact: Jeff Satur apparently wrote the theme that Isbanky sang.

Finished and Oh Well It Was A BL

Until We Meet Again - I know it worked for lots of folks and I get why, but (a) reincarnation stories and (b) I love me some Fluke but I hate the blushing maiden trope especially when as here they hammer it into the ground with a rocket-powered pile driver. ("P'Deeeeeaaan!") I actually preferred the past couple to the present-day couple because the characters were written better. (Not the actors' fault; the stakes were higher, and you can't act your way out of a sub-par script.)

Mr. Cinderella - Vietnam's probably not got a mature industry yet so I may have excessively high expectations, but…amateurish writing, directing, cinematography and sound. Characters were all over the map. And the bad guy ex was…uuuuugly toxic. (Also, polonium? Seriously?) Attractive cast to be sure, who didn't really have much to work with so for all the audience knows they are all Shakespeareans in training. The coy screeching nurse was so very repetitive. I did want to like it and if I had a script I would totally go to town on it as an exercise. (I'm an editor, not a writer.)

Why R U? Korea - Did they…lose a hard drive with the audio? Cheap out and not hire an audio engineer? Seemingly half the dialog was looped, and often jarringly. But the real fault was the writing: the behavior of the main couple was inconsistent, especially where they parted ways and then pretty much ignored that for a while, and in the last episode with the lead saying he didn't want to work together on the thing that was extremely important to both him and his interest. I wanted to like this because I really liked the main couple and Jeon Sa Ra's Do Yeon. Best scene was Lee Won after his audition teetering on the edge of losing it when his interest ignorantly came out to tease him: just a lovely little bit of acting by Lee Jung Min, without a word being spoken.

Seriously, this scene makes me want to learn how to gif. Lee Jung Min as Lee Won

Finished and Don't Recommend

TharnType: 7 Years of Love - the first season was objectively bad for reasons I and others have set out elsewhere (noncon sex, underage rrpe(!), sub-par acting/directing). The second season wasn't as bad, but it wasn't good either, with forced misunderstanding narratives being the most notable plot point. Seven years together and you still are that easy to convince that your man's stepping out on you? Like the first season, 7 Years also gave the sense that Mew (at least in this case) is a one-note actor, though this could have been the director's fault. Gulf had more good moments.

La Pluie - I so wanted to like a show that was gonna take a trope and upend it. And I absolutely get what lots of folks liked about it. For me the uneven pacing, sometimes blatantly contrived plot, often wooden direction, dialog and acting (with the notable exception of Suar, who was by far the best in the show and not just because he got most of the best lines) and terrible continuity did it in. (Lomfon's confession scene, though: Tien's going up on his toes for the kiss is burned into my memory.)

Started and bailed

Minato's Laundromat S2 - I so wanted to like this after S1. Instead of giving Minato a growth arc, the writers inserted a silly and ultimately pointless amnesia story. This seriously pissed me off to the point that I stopped watching. Not the actors' fault, but the writers, well, that's a paddlin' offense.

Only Friends - when certain folks start expressing concern, I listen. @bengiyo explained how this show failed its promise of showing actual queer lives. When it abandoned whatever vision its creators may have had in favor of contorting itself into something controlled by fan input, proving it was just an exercise in branding pair marketing, that confirmed it was not going to get me to return after Ep 3.

Naughty Babe - just, just, what in the Pennzoil is going on? MC, you seriously went how long without nookie and didn't talk with your man about it? And then you fake amnesia? Dude, you are not a serious person and the writers should be ashamed. I see from my Tumblr feed that they tried to redeem themselves later with the marriage and adoption bit, and good for that, but I ain't got time for incoherent messes.

Low Frequency - decorative actors, but incoherent plot where I simply couldn't see what was happening and where it was going. Couldn't motivate myself to continue after the second episode.

Step By Step - I've already posted about this. This had the potential to be wayyy above average but it kinda fell apart with the main couple, and the secondary couple simply were written so badly there was nothing to root for. I got almost all the way through this but after it became clear there wasn't going to be a late save, I gave up. The. Actors. Wuz. Robbed.

En of Love: Tossara - this felt like someone got their uncle to pull strings to get them a show. Dialog was anemic, character motivations were bland/absent, pacing was uneven. I started the second episode but I'm not sure I finished it.

If you made it this far, congratulations. Tell me what you liked or didn't agree with; I come across as opinionated but I'm always looking to learn. 😎

[aprillikesthings]

OKAY I meant to start earlier in the day but I know once I start it will be difficult to stop lol

but I have some tasty pasta to eat let's go

(how much do you want to bet EVERY EPISODE after this is a two-parter due to the sheer amount of plot bumping into tumblr's images-per-post limit)

s4 ep11 beast island

They're talking about their plan to go to Beast Island and get Entrapta--and side note, the ship goes about as fast as an airplane, judging by the clouds/ocean's movement

will she tho

(I actually don't know! This is one of those plot points I forgot in part because I marathoned the last season and change of the show almost four years ago lol; like seriously from this point on I can remember random specific scenes but not which order or why they happened; it definitely doesn't help that a couple months ago I watched a bunch of She-Ra humor videos that are all, like, just clips from s5 in no particular order)

(seriously if you're a She-Ra fan they're great, they're especially funny if you're high as balls, which Daci and I were when I was like "hey you have to watch these with me they're hilarious")

the globe map is throwing some kind of angry alarm and Swift Wind's senses are tingling

They hit....something!

points to whomever designed that, it looks really cool, and yes, vaguely menacing

okay but you were ALSO told that Princesses were all evil soooo

They find Entrapta's mask and a Horde-made skiff and Swift Wind can hear some kinda weird noise

the ship did call it a Hazardous Materials Disposal Site...

anyway a bug-robot-thing starts to attack them--and Adora can't transform to She-Ra here!

OH HEY so the droning sound Swift Wind keeps hearing that's super fucking creepy is a Shepard Tone! (more info via wikipedia of course)

("April how do you know so much random shit?" I have ADHD and an internet connection. Also in this case specifically, Alex Hirsch once did an AMA in character as Bill Cipher, and he linked to a Shepard Tone and said it was his favorite song.)

Anyway they're attempting to fight the bug and losing

:D I KNOW WHO THIS IS :D

He scares the bug off with magic!! (Shadow Weaver did say he was a powerful sorcerer...)

dun dun DUNNNN

okay so I was confused as to how Glimmer was gonna get in there and duh SHE CAN FUCKING TELEPORT ffs

anyway Light Hope is a computer program and you're not the correct input??? you can't just order it to work pfft

YOU'RE NOT SHE-RA lol

Anyway King Micah hasn't been around other people in a loooong time and is bad with things like "personal space" lol

they're asking about Entrapta and I love that everyone in this show just Knows that Entrapta is like. Into robots. Sexually.

(I'm not looking right now but SOMEone has to have written a fic of Entrapta just making, like, really wild sex toys or fuckable robots, right? Right???)

LOL THAT'S HER ALL RIGHT

Entrapta apparently went to the center of the island but Micah is discouraging them from going. The sound Swift Wind keeps hearing is a signal of some kind from the center--

Apparently the signal is enough to draw people in and drive them mad.

poor dude

Also he thinks Glimmer is still a child and asks about Angella, and Bow and Adora just do a 😬

But they promise to take Micah with them once they find Entrapta and leave

I dunno I think it's kinda cute

Anyway as they keep walking both of them start having moments of borderline-crippling self doubt

Glimmer's killed the spiders that the Crystal Castle sets on intruders and is still trying to harass Light Hope into talking to her:

Apparently yelling that she wants to use the Heart of Etheria was the right thing to say

Back on Beast Island, the signal is getting stronger, Micah is trying to get more information about Glimmer from Bow and Adora, and also they're being hunted by critters:

There's some kind of distorted speech in the signal (which still mostly sounds like a Shepard Tone), and Swift Wind is frozen in place by it and this is happening--

CREEPY AS FUCK

D:

D:

Adora, trying to convince Micah not to give in, blurts out that Glimmer is Queen, oops

D:

D:

oh god there's a flash of light and Adora relives Angella kissing her forehead and telling her "take care of each other," then a bunch of moments of her and Glimmer, then:

"I won't give up, not on my friends, not on Etheria,"

--and she transforms into She-Ra :D

NICE!

The blast frees everyone of the vines and they're back to being themselves

"It wasn't the signal stopping me from being She-Ra, it was me. I was afraid Glimmer was right,"

"But I promise I'd take care of her--take care of everyone, and I will"

(actually you promised you'd all take care of each other, but whatever; like, this is part of her whole character arc)

Side note, She-Ra is taller than Micah by like, half a head minimum

The scary critters all run off because some huge monster shows up, the monster opens its metal jaws, and

and I've run out of images with three minutes to go pfft okay hold on

[lavenoon]

OK, ok, I'm coming directly for Robin in this ask. So, we know Robin is deep down an insecure person, even though they are very confident in some things, several others can hit hard and fast and throw them off balance.

Rejection from closed ones, or self doubt of the abilities they are proud of for example. But I want to know what can instantly make Robin's day a BAD day. Not like dramatic events, or very serious issues like the reveal, but more daily stuff that can easily get under their skin and make them have an awful time, though they would like to try and not show it and just deal with it themself, more for personal reasons. Or maybe are there days that are just bad for them without anything causing it? Could it happen that one day they wake up and it's just a Day in which stuff sucks and doubts return and it's frustrating but they're just used to dealing with it by themself because of all that time they spent alone?

Y/N of course has bad days - they're human! (Uh, a person. Animatronics also suffer bad days)

The bigger contenders are of course their crippling repressed loneliness and the fear of falling short in something they're proud of, namely their job.

"Smaller" things are still plenty!

Early in their career the comments other agents directed at them were hurtful, and on a deeper level, unsettling (are they really not fit for this? If not this, then what do they have?) - but these days they can still cause their mood to take a nosedive. No one likes hearing mockery or insults, and Robin, as much as they pretend they aren't bothered, they are. That's another reason why they simply opt for avoidance with other field agents! That group is simply the most likely to take an issue with their methods, and letting them know.

What also is frustrating to no end is construction work. Picture this - you have a picture perfect route that you know in and out, and then suddenly there's netted scaffolding surrounding a vital part of your route and you can't really jump on that because it's netted and you can't judge the stability. So your route is blocked for months and then afterwards you don't even have the guarantee that you can go that way again, because what if something was changed, making it unsuitable for parkour?

Mild injuries like scrapes when falling or a rolled ankle are also really annoying, especially when they happen high up and they have to somehow find a way down and home without aggravating the injury. And then they have to mind said injury for a few days, just to make sure they won't make it worse! For someone who relies on parkour for their job, any injury is bad news, and will ruin their day easily.

Y/N also admittedly sucks at crafting/ construction, so any time the duplex is in need of repairs their stubborn side says "I'll figure this out" and then they go mad when things don't make sense or don't fit or the tool is wrong and man, why is this so hard? (Because they have no training nor experience. But hey, they have their fake it till you make it confidence, so this should be within their capabilities, right? No. They're just a stubborn idiot who has forgotten how to ask for help)

Early in the rivalry, Dusk "snatching" their missions and successfully completing them before them was something that hit particularly hard. Not that they unpack why and thus don't realize the deeper issue about their confidence and fear of failure/ rejection, but they still feel it and externalize it through snark and passive aggression (before going home and feeling very, very small)

In a similar vein, reprimands at work - mistakes during a mission that result in Agent River's full attention, reports that get sent back with a note to do better, all the little things chipping away at their confidence and make them fear for their status at the agency

And then... Of course there's the days where insecurities simply bubble up, closer to the surface, where every little thing suddenly becomes the last straw. Sleeve got caught on the door knob? Pen fell down, and they hit their head a little picking it up? Stubbed their little toe? Suddenly there's the waterworks, for reasons they don't even know, because they know it's silly, and that just makes it worse! They shouldn't cry, it's stupid, nothing happened, they're an adult with a serious and cool job, they own a house, they have an established place in society. So why are they feeling like this?

Because all they feel secure in in the end is built on matchsticks and held together by duct tape. They're lonely, and have no friends, because their job makes civilian contact risky, and fellow agents simply don't seem to like them. Which makes them the outlier - and Robin can't be sure what kind of outlier. Are they even qualified for this? What if they aren't - who's gonna find out? When? What do they do when they inevitably get fired for being a fraud? Their world is their job, and they have no support system, and the terror underlying that knowledge is paralyzing when they stop to think about it.

Those are the days where every little thing can push them over the edge, even lighthearted things, or details they'd usually shrug off. Those are the really bad days, that might turn into a bad week, because Y/N feels like they have no other choice but to tough it out. Roll with a punch, and immediately get back up, dust off, and then receive the next one. They don't know where the next one is coming from, so bracing themself for it isn't an option, and after hit after hit their mind is simply begging for a break.

Burnout is a very real risk for Y/N, and the only reason they haven't suffered from a bad one spanning months is because they realize at some point of these worsening episodes that it's not sustainable. They take a few days off, parkouring just for fun, going out, exploring new areas or even taking a little road trip just to get away from the city for a bit.

Early rivalry is more of a risk factor - but the closer Dusk and Robin get, and then when they start having Sun as a friend, too, the more they feel like at least they aren't alone.

(And then, much later, there's Eclipse - who relates in different ways, and in ways that Sun and Moon will never understand. After all, how would they understand the fear of "What if Sun and Moon hate me? What if they get tired of me?" But Eclipse does. And Y/N understands the need for fun and unique methods, and being shunned by coworkers for those. These two are very close friends as well as family, just of the platonic variant)

Y/N gets a support system, and Sun and Moon and Eclipse fix their bond to adopt them right into their family. That's the core of AU - the hope that things get better, and that there are people out there who understand. And even those who don't might learn to, because they love you, once they put in the effort. No one has to be alone, and everyone deserves a family. That's the story I'm writing, and also why I explore so many facets - family is always the happy ending <3

[deafeningdonutshark]

My first album, Feeding Time, and the story behind it

By Victoria Kerr

11/6/2023

People say a joke that needs to be explained is a bad one. That might be the same with albums. But here goes anyway.

Back in 2014, I was just learning how to play guitar. I was finally teaching myself after five years of having it but being too scared to make any sort of valiant effort at learning it. It had been a dream of mine to be a singer since I was a kid, and I started writing lyrics, sometimes with a melody, sometimes not, when I was nine. As I got older, I knew I would need to learn an instrument if I wanted to write songs for real. Guitar seemed like a good option.

I started writing songs right away as I learned, even though I was a guitar newbie who knew just a few chords. I remember getting so frustrated and thinking on several occasions, “How the hell do people strum and sing at the same time?!” And then I would go weeks without playing, disgusted with myself and thinking my guitar hated me.

The other thing to know that would probably put this more in context is that I’m a shy person, and at that time in particular, I could barely look myself in the mirror let alone anyone else. I felt delusional thinking I could ever have the confidence to actually get on a stage and perform for people or even just put my stuff online. I had so much self-loathing that, while I might have been excited for a few moments, maybe a day, after writing a song, that would be followed by absolute contempt for it, thinking that there’s no way I could ever create something good or interesting or valuable.

But in 2015, in one of my moments of grand delusion, after practicing for about a year and accumulating a small collection of songs recorded on my iPod (albeit shakily played and sung and hitting bum notes left and right), I got excited feeling like I had enough for an album. I titled it Feeding Time after one of the songs and arranged them in the order I wanted to tell the story and put together an interpretation of what I wanted for the front and back covers (done in Microsoft Paint, see below). I actually knew a graphic designer/visual artist at the time, and we went to lunch together and I asked if he could help me with the cover saying, “I want like a picture of a woman’s naked body that’s been hollowed out so the skin is see-through and it’s kind of decomposing and it’s being used as an aquarium with fish swimming in it and seaweed and algae and stuff.” He stared at me for a few seconds and then said, “I don’t get it,” and I said, “Oh never mind!” and we never spoke of it again.

I thought I was ready back then…but then the doubt crept back in. And I felt it wasn’t good enough and that I needed to keep practicing and trying to write. Which I did. But always with that crippled limb of fear slowing me down.

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, trying to understand the ways I’d been conditioned by the world around me, trying to unlearn the values and ways of being that were never really mine, trying to get back to who I really am and live as a whole being. A being that can unconditionally love. And music was always in my mind with that. I would think, “Maybe one day I can get to a place where I feel okay enough with myself to do it.”

So here we are now. I’ve been working on a new set of songs that I’m excited about. And then a few days ago, “Nothing But Water” popped into my head. I had not listened to that song in years. Like others on this album, it was a song where I had been practicing chords and then started singing over them, stopped so I could grab my iPod, hit record, and then just let whatever needed to come out come out. One of the thoughts that held me back eight years ago was, “Can a four-minute musing over two or three chords even be considered a song?” But then there I was a few days ago, singing it to myself out of nowhere, as if it was someone else’s. And I knew, it was a song.

Listening to this album now, I love it. I loved it back then. I feel like some of my biggest influences, the people who I’ve spent so many hours listening to that I have absorbed their very essence into mine — Cat Power and Lana Del Rey and Frank Black and, dare I say, even Mr. Cobain — to name a few, are definitely there, which makes me happy. I thought about re-recording the songs to play them better, sing them better. But I kind of like how raw they are. I like that my 23/24-year-old voice is the one singing them. And I like what I’m saying in them. It’s the truth of the way I felt about things at the time. And still sometimes feel now. And my silly jokes in them still make me laugh — so do the bits of TV you can hear because I would turn the volume way up because I’d rather my neighbors in the apartment complex hear a loud TV than me playing. I also like that you can hear my dog Kirby’s collar jingling in the background of some of them. He’s my little percussionist.

Okay, okay enough yammering — without further ado, here is Feeding Time. Thank you for reading and thank you for listening and thank you for existing!

Update: I uploaded the wrong recording of Reluctant Muse! I think this is the first one I had, but Kirby is sadly not on it. I added the take I did where you can hear him rocking out!

There’s one more thing I want to add about the subject matter of these songs. Three men appear on this album. One of them is my dad. He left the family when I was eight. And, four years before making this, we found out he had died the year before. It was a strange feeling because we hadn’t seen him in so long. So it was kind of like, oh okay, I guess we just keep moving on with life. We didn’t know how to grieve it. I think so often we as people stuff our feelings down when they’re in the in-between, hard-to-define places.

There have been times I’ve felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. Listening to these songs back, now I know I wasn’t sleepwalking. I was just processing things in my own way, in my own time.

[fractured-lyfe-blog]

March 31

Why do I feel everything so deeply? I can meet someone and if the vibe hits just right, I get bombarded with this swell of emotions and thoughts that have no logic or reason. I find myself over thinking and over analyzing things and I ultimately end up accidentally hurting myself.

My mind and my heart are capable of great things. I just don't know how to focus it where it needs to be and how to shut it down when it ventures too far… I cripple myself with emotions I shouldn't feel. 

If i just led with my heart all the time, I would just scare people off by coming on too strong. My heart feels so fucking strong and the things I want to be able to say to someone fill me with this longing to be accepted. It drives me crazy how much i just want to feel someone's feelings for me, to confess their thoughts to me in hopes I feel the same for them. 

I'm terrified of rejection, paralyzed by self doubt and starving for so much more…

[typhin-hoofbun]

I've talked before about how each of my characters highlights one of the three Principles of my beliefs, and how each one has a separate combination Virtue they highlight. Sometimes, because of that imbalance, they end up doing stuff like this.

For instance, Princess has low self-esteem, which causes her devotion/loyalty to push her into self-sacrifice to unhealthy levels. Nothing she does ever feels like it's "enough", because she can't come to accept that she has inherent worth. She can't accept that there's anything within her that's wanted for the sake of herself.

The largest example of this so far comes in Book 2. She's been worried sick over her Master disappearing, to the point of following him to Earth to try to "rescue" him, or at least find him and be with him. When she does catch up, however, she overhears a conversation that hits her right in her greatest self-doubts. She comes to think that he really is glad to be rid of her, glad to be out of the situation he was in. Glad to not have to deal with having a pet dragon that eats food he has to buy and is the reason he took on a crippling debt that has him under the thumb of the Crown.

So, in her grief, she basically tries to sacrifice herself on the spot. She cuts off her own collar and flees in tears. It took multiple attempts to get a version of that conversation to happen where she DIDN'T beg the vet tech to euthanize her and destroy the body (to prevent it from "falling into the wrong hands", revealing the existence of magic to the world and ruining the Earth life that her Master supposedly wanted).

That's not the Virtue of Sacrifice, which she otherwise embodies. Going beyond what you can give is just self-destruction, and it's not healthy. Destroying yourself means you can't continue to do good deeds in the future.

Similarly, Flopsy (Courage/Honor) sometimes picks fights she shouldn't (a corruption of Valor), though she's gotten better about it mostly. She still did rather heavily injure a high school bully who stabbed her in the stomach, but even in the moment she knew it wasn't a serious injury. Part of her was just really upset and wanted to hurt him. (She was in a pretty bad way after the murderer of her creator showed up, got away, and she got arrested for it. And was told the arrest was really about standing up to this same bully while in human form. And she also wasn't used to having a friend to defend. But she still shouldn't have kicked him that hard.)

And also, Vayryn keeps crossing the line between Honesty and rudeness. Having to explain the same things over and over wears on you, and sometimes she gets a little bitey with her words, using sarcasm and bitterness as a shield. She knows each individual person isn't at fault, they have no way to know they're the Nth person to pester her about her life story, they're just a stranger surprised at the little furry rat/weasel creature running around on stilt-legs that they've never seen before. At least now, when she's not in the mood to explain it herself, she can hand them one of the cards she had printed, with a couple frequently asked questions on it and a QR code that links to the news interview (where a reporter ambushed her). So there's that.

Good Traits Gone Bad

Exploring good traits gone bad in a novel can add depth and complexity to your characters. Here are a few examples of good traits that can take a negative turn:

1. Empathy turning into manipulation: A character with a strong sense of empathy may use it to manipulate others' emotions and gain an advantage.

2. Confidence becoming arrogance: Excessive confidence can lead to arrogance, where a character belittles others and dismisses their opinions.

3. Ambition turning into obsession: A character's ambition can transform into an unhealthy obsession, causing them to prioritize success at any cost, including sacrificing relationships and moral values.

4. Loyalty becoming blind devotion: Initially loyal, a character may become blindly devoted to a cause or person, disregarding their own well-being and critical thinking.

5. Courage turning into recklessness: A character's courage can morph into reckless behavior, endangering themselves and others due to an overestimation of their abilities.

6. Determination becoming stubbornness: Excessive determination can lead to stubbornness, where a character refuses to consider alternative perspectives or change their course of action, even when it's detrimental.

7. Optimism becoming naivety: Unwavering optimism can transform into naivety, causing a character to overlook dangers or be easily deceived.

8. Protectiveness turning into possessiveness: A character's protective nature can evolve into possessiveness, where they become overly controlling and jealous in relationships.

9. Altruism becoming self-neglect: A character's selflessness may lead to neglecting their own needs and well-being, to the point of self-sacrifice and burnout.

10. Honesty becoming brutal bluntness: A character's commitment to honesty can turn into brutal bluntness, hurting others with harsh and tactless remarks.

These examples demonstrate how even admirable traits can have negative consequences when taken to extremes or used improperly. By exploring the complexities of these traits, you can create compelling and multi-dimensional characters in your novel.

Happy writing!

[silverslipstream]

the big ventbowski

CW: POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING TOPICS

The war in my head between 'are you straight and you've just co-opted a queer label because you get along better with the people more commonly found in queer communities and you identify with the culture' or 'are you still deep in internalised self-doubt due to low self-esteem, lack of experience and a significant absence of a stable queer community in every place you've ever lived?' is still raging on in my head.

God, sometimes (right now?) I feel terrible writing the word 'queer'. For me, it's the most comfortable label and way of expressing myself, but what if it's not my word to feel comfortable about? What if it's not describing me at all? What if this is all a placebo effect caused by a few misinterpreted chemical signs and my hopeless romanticism? Why can't I just fucking know?

I feel eighteen and conflicted all over again. I often say I was in denial for a very long time before I came out, and honestly I think I've never not been in denial about it. That hurts to say. Especially after I did the whole rigmarole of coming out as bisexual, crying to friends, putting up with homophobic attitudes and parental disapproval - it can't all be for nothing, right? It just can't.

It probably helps that I've had very little experience in the romantic sense. I was never going to be seen as a desirable person in school - too geeky, too disabled, too quiet. The most I elicited was a strange kind of mascot-like, objectifying sympathy from the popular girls, which was pretty gross. Especially when their boyfriends were the ones calling me things like cripple and retard, mocking the way I walked, shoving me in the stairwells, tripping me to every kind of ground they could find.

Even now, I don't get a lot of attention. I hate myself for phrasing it that way - it makes me feel pathetic, needy, desperate - but that's the easiest term to use. When out with my straight guy friends, I'm invisible, the smallest, skinniest, quietest. I feel like a wafer-thin slice of cake prised gingerly from the platter - different enough to be seen as other but not different enough that the difference itself is seen to matter. When they make a crack about me being 'gay' or 'liking men', I laugh, but I bite back the retort on my tongue.

I'm bisexual, you know this.

So what, mate? Isn't that just gay with extra steps? Or are you saying that 'cos you can't pull women anyway? Are you that desperate?

Am I?

On the other hand, I don't often 'go out' socialising with my queer friends, but sometimes even just being around them I feel so... fake. They're much more safe in their identities, secured within their respective labels' communities. The loneliness of being the only queer cis guy in my friend group hits me again and again, and then the subsequent guilt whips right back. Your friends are wonderful! They like you! You like them! Stop being ungrateful for the people you already have! But I can't shake the sense that I'm this generic indecisive cis guy spattered across their star-trails, like biting into an M&M and feeling your teeth crunch on a hidden piece of tinfoil.

Our area is pretty conservative in a country gradually sliding to the right side of the political compass. There's very little LGBTQ+ representation or community spots. Our university has a LGBTQ+ society, but it's very small, underexposed and chronically ignored by the student union and the university themselves. I look at all the other universities online, see their bustling queer communities, and feel oddly cheated. That should be me, I think in my head. University was supposed to be this place of uncoupling from my old self. I love my current friends, of course I do. It's just... I wish it was easier to meet more queer people in my area, to have more LGBTQ+ friendships that aren't determined by the landmine-dotted social islands of dating apps or tempered by the expectations of romantic and sexual relationships. To have someone else who understands what it's like to be the quiet geeky cis guy who sits on the fence of the straight/queer divide, yet you can't tell which way he's gonna fall.

It's not like I don't cultivate my own distinctive image: far from it. I wear glasses and turtlenecks, collared shirts, blue jeans and brown boots where the sole flaps precariously off the front. I've built that image piece by piece over the last couple of years, and independent of my sexuality and identity, I love that for myself. I think I have style, I'm recognizable, I like the way I look. This would've been an alien concept three years or so ago, where I hated my acne, my awkward limbs, the hard angles of my damaged muscles and crooked bones (but let's save the internalised ableism for another day, shall we?)

But the self-doubt creeps in, those thoughts that weed their way through saying things like people like you can't be pretty and who are you trying to fool? Maybe I'm trying to fool myself.

It doesn't help that the pittance of romantic experiences I do have are mostly negative. My first kiss was non-consensual: I was drunk, they were not, and they slowly but surely steered the entire night into a kiss I'd never asked for, manipulating me into something I'd never wanted. I can still remember their hand in my hair, holding the back of my head as I tried to pull away. Afterwards, they smiled, kissed me again on the cheek, like it was something we shared, something I'd wanted. I just felt sick and lost and so, so confused.

The first time I took a girl home, it was November of my first year in uni. She was a friend of a friend, who'd come up to drink and go clubbing with us. This time, the attraction was mutual - I still remember her shy eyes, her darting glances at me over the rim of a glass, the whisper of her voice in my ear asking if I wanted to go to the smoking area. After the club, we went back to my flat. I kissed her while Billy Joel sang 'Vienna' with my room bathed in half-light from the bathroom's fluorescent strips, and for a mesmerising, teetering second, it was everything. I remember thinking, it can't be this easy, not to want, not to be wanted.

Short answer: it wasn't. That's another story for another day, but suffice it to say after two months, I lost my main group of friends and was left almost totally alone, clinging to counselling like a punctured liferaft in the middle of the endless Pacific.

After that came a long drought of anything romantic, occasionally sprinkled with a flirty stranger or overly aggressive guy who thought 'being queer too' was all the consent he needed.

Then I met a boy.

It was through Hinge, because of course it was. He was shy, quiet, had dyed red hair, perpetually nervous. On our first date, it took him an hour just to compliment me, and when I gave a compliment back he looked at me like I'd just thrown a stick of dynamite at his head. He took me to buy my bisexual flag water bottle (one of the two pieces of outwardly LGBTQ+ paraphernalia I own) and that was it. We dated again, and again. He bought me birthday presents and wrapped my scarf around both of our necks. Around the lake where my late grandfather used to fish, he told me (face redder than his hair) that he wanted to kiss me. I was bowled over. We didn't kiss until our next date: drinking schnapps in the harsh fluorescent lighting of my university kitchen, I noticed his gaze lingering on my lips every time I lowered my cup.

I know what you want, I thought, I've watched so many films, read so many novels that frame this exact moment in time. So I asked him if he'd kiss me, and he did. I felt nothing.

How? How? Granted, it wasn't the world's best kiss (he approached my lips with all the finesse of a train crash) but I liked this guy, didn't I? Sure he had his flaws and things that made me hesitate, but that surely didn't outweigh the butterflies I'd had while texting him, the way I loved to fluster him and make him smile, his red hair and freckles and shyness? It should've been the Heartstopper gateway of my life, or at least the first major step of my burgeoning bisexual arc. Instead, this particular rollercoaster flew off the rails and straight into freefall.

That was five months ago. We kissed a few more times and he improved, but I could never shake that hollowness. We broke up three days before Valentine's, because I freaked out at the idea of doing romantic shit with a guy who I was so indecisive about. I kept telling myself it was for the best, that his red flags had been valid, and I couldn't afford to let the rose-tinted glasses of 'first same-sex relationship' blur them out. But was that really why, or was it just the realisation that kissing a man had done nothing for me, that I was straight and had been lying to myself the whole time?

Since I broke up with him, I've been so lost. Am I bisexual? Straight? Does the -sexual part of the label even apply to me? Am I asexual? I removed the part where I stated I was bisexual from my Tumblr pinned post months ago, so am I kicking myself back into the closet, or is the closet just a shape I scrawled on the wall behind me in crayon, a jagged attempt to belong to something, to share an experience with someone?

I can't answer these questions. That's the worst part. I want to be loved and to be in love, to find that person I'm waiting for.

But how will I know what they look like, how they might identify? How do I know I won't completely overlook them because of the labels I set for myself and the turmoil in my mind?

How will I know that I deserve them?

[kyovtani]

𝐌 𝐈 𝐍 𝐄 — 𝐊.𝐊𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢

↠ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: kyoutani kentarou x female reader

↠ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: smut, fluff, angst if you quint; biker!kyou, badboy!kyou, good girl!reader, college!AU

↠ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4.8k

↠ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: swearing, heavy dirty talk & degradation, praising, semi-public sex, dom!kyoutani, sub!reader, DD/LG (daddy dom/little girl) dynamics, daddy kink, spitting, choking, possessiveness, unprotected, creampie

↠ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: after keeping quiet for months, you finally lose the last bit of patience you had left after having to watch your boyfriend‘s ex-fwb flirt with him right in front of your eyes…

There were quite a few emotions you could name, which you happen to dislike for different reasons.

Most of the time, you managed to skillfully ignore and suppress them. Not the best coping mechanism, but after years of being neglected by your parents, it was the only way you knew how to even handle your own emotions.

However, there was nothing you despised as much as the feeling of jealousy.

The disgusting taste coating the muscle of your tongue in a way which leaves your whole mouth numb before it slowly starts spreading through your whole system. It feels like a literal disease; clouding your head and your rational thinking with its poison in the span of a solid second.

You absolutely hate the heaviness on your chest and shoulders it came with because no matter how hard you try to calm yourself, the feeling of being suffocated becomes nothing but worse.

Most of the time, you don't have to deal with jealousy of any kind; mostly because Kyoutani Kentarou, your boyfriend of three years, has never once done anything to make you doubt his loyalty. Which is probably why the bitterness of it hits you so hard when you stumble across a scene which seems a tad bit too familiar for your personal liking.

One of those scenes happens to be the one in which Kyoutani‘s ex-fuckbuddy throws herself at him without a hint of hesitation.

You simply can't help it.

The way she looks at him — with so much admiration and fascination gleaming in her disgustingly pretty eyes — basically leaves you no choice but to grow incredibly insecure about every bit of your existence as the urge to claim what‘s yours takes over in an almost animalistic way.

If the intense fire of jealousy wasn‘t burning so deep within your chest, the feeling of pure hatred towards the brunette would have been the main focus of your attention. But unfortunately, you have to deal with this weird inferiority complex before you can even think of anything or anyone else.

With a deep inhale and a quick sip from your beer, you continue to observe the conversation between your boyfriend and his ex-bootycall.

You can feel yourself growing more and more uncomfortable, nervousness and anxiety crippling up your spine as you watch the pretty girl place her hand on Kyoutani‘s tattooed arms before she lets out a loud chuckle at something he says.

It takes you a lot of self control and willpower to not just walk up to her and push her away from your boyfriend, who obviously doesn't seem to mind the constant skinship with the girl in front of him.

After what feels like an eternity of not being able to shift your gaze from her, you finally get yourself to look at your boyfriend and just as usual a loud sigh falls past your lips at the sight of him.

Black leather adorning almost every part of his body, starting from the heavy boots on his feet to the fitting pair of pants and the jacket. The fabric hugs his muscular thighs in just the right places and you absolutely love the contrast between his dark clothes and his beautifully sun kissed skin. Dozens of chains are dangling from his earlobes, adorning his pretty neck as well as his hips and you sigh at the way a jolt of arousal rushes through your body.

You’re very well aware of how obvious you are being but at this point you can't get yourself to care about it anymore.

Kyoutani is your boyfriend and although most of his fellow biker friends are incredibly sweet and welcoming towards you, there are still a few who just can't believe the so-called “Mad Dog” has settled for someone so different from him.

But again, you don't really care.

Kyoutani has proven to you that nobody‘s opinion matters to him; emphasizing his lack of interest by provocatively going against every single thing your father says about him in order to break you guys apart.

And you try to focus on his words; you really do. Yet – it’s so hard with some of those other big, mean looking bikers staring at you with nothing but disgust and hatred in their eyes every time you step into their local bar.

However, usually Kyoutani also doesn't leave your side for most of the time; he absolutely hates his people‘s attitude towards you. He has made that mistake once, and he’s determined to never do it again.

But, for the first time in quite a while, Kyoutani has decided to leave you to yourself at their regular table, only wanting to get another round of drinks before he runs into the sweet-faced girl and gets caught up in a rather heated conversation.

And as you watch the scene in front of you unfold, the urge to get up and just punch her right in her pretty face absolutely overwhelms you, but for now she hasn’t crossed any lines besides some unnecessary touches so for your own sake you try to keep it down.

Mostly for your boyfriend's sake because you don’t want Kyoutani to think that you don’t trust him.

Of course your desperate attempts of staying calm haven’t gone unnoticed by your attentive boyfriend. You know he has seen through you as easily as he always does but you refuse to acknowledge it — or him in general. Because as soon as you meet his gaze, he is going to give you this one specific look; the one where his pretty eyes are narrowed and one slit eyebrow arched up to make sure you get the hint. And of course it doesn't take long until he finally gets you to look into his burning eyes; the pretty brown surrounding his iris filled with nothing but this certain kind of tenderness and affection.

You scoff at his reaction, absolutely despising the effect your boyfriend’s gaze has on you despite usually enjoying the way he was literally devouring you alive. Now it just makes you feel weak and helpless; as if he was taking away the last bit of your barely existent willpower to fight the jealousy.

“Kyou!”, the girl in front of him suddenly screams, more than just loud enough for you to hear and at the sound of his nickname leaving her lips, you can’t help but ball your hands into tight fists in hopes of not letting the anger get to your head.

“I’ll let you go back to your little pussy cat, don’t worry. Just give me another minute to finish my story. It’s not like she isn't clinging to your ass all day anyway, so she’ll be fine with being away from you for a few minutes”, she says and runs a hand through her short, black hair; her words sending another burning jolt of jealousy and annoyance through your body.

“Yui”, Kyoutani says and rolls his eyes, running his palm over his freshly dyed, silver buzz cut before his fingers come to play with the cigarette behind his ear, “stop talking about my girl like that, you know I hate it when you guys act like this.”

“Oh, come on, Kyou”, Yui scoffs in response, “this goody-two-shoes is seriously not worth your energy. You‘ve been fucking her for years now, aren‘t you tired yet? Knowing you the way I do, she probably can‘t even take your cock, let alone your cute little habits and all that, so why are you even wasting your time on her?”, she casually continues, her tone oozing with derogatory and the harshness of her accusing words irritate you in a way you‘ve never experienced it before.

And when your head starts spinning, you skillfully pushed your anxiety all the way back in your head and focus everything on the boiling anger clouding your mind as you stand up and finally walk up to her.

“And there she is, daddy‘s little girl! Hi, Y/N!”, Yui chuckled, mockery evident in every single one of her words. But all you do is smile back at her and try to stay calm but as soon as Kyoutani places his ring clad hand on your lower back, you feel a rush of confidence hit you.

“Hi, Yui”, you reply and take a step closer to your boyfriend, kind of to show her who the fuck he belongs to but also because his presence never fails to make you feel safe and secure.

“You know, I find it really funny how you‘ve been telling my boyfriend that I‘m a waste of time ever since we’ve started dating but you‘re the one who hasn’t gotten over your little friends-with-benefits bullshit in three ears and are still dying to jump his bones”, you push your lips into a fake pout and tilt your head to the side as you watch her expressions change the moment she processes your words.

“Yeah, he might be wasting his time with me but at least he gets to fuck me in the meantime, whereas you…”, you smile, wrath and every bit of hatred you feel for her gleaming in your gaze, while you successfully force her to maintain the eye contact. “Whereas you...you haven‘t gotten laid in three fucking years because you‘ve been hoping for him to come back to you”, you sigh and take a deep breath before you reach into Kyoutani‘s pocket to pull out your panties and hold them up for her and the whole bar to see.

Light shame has shivers running down your spine but you know you can’t back off anymore; you have gotten a little too brave so now you have to pull through with it – no matter how much you want to hide your face in your boyfriend‘s chest.

“And as you can see, I‘m always ready to give him just what he needs”, you add with a proud, shiteating grin, Kyoutani‘s strong gaze burning into your side and despite dying to know what he was thinking you don’t have the chance to even shift your gaze away from Yui‘s flushed face for a a moment.

“Oh, by the way, I can take his cock and of course this also includes his – how did you call them – cute little habits? So, as you can see, you really don‘t have to worry about my boyfriend”, you continue and hate just how much you enjoy seeing the black haired girl in front of you get more and more uncomfortable.

“Right, daddy?”, you say and finally shift your gaze to the tall male on your side.

And it‘s then that you realize his hand has wandered to your waist; his grip rather tight as he obviously tries to maintain his composure.

“Right, baby”, Kyoutani‘s voice is even deeper and raspier than usual, his tone a mere whisper to avoid giving away just how much your little scene has gotten to him.

“You let her call you that?“, Yui suddenly hisses, her eyes moving to roam Kyoutani‘s face as you push your panties back into the pocket of his heavy leather jacket, “you hated it when I did.”

“I also never once kissed or fucked you without a condom but I let her spit in my mouth and fuck her raw”, Kyoutani replies casually, his lewd words sending jolts of arousal right between your legs, “I think this says a lot about how different the two of you are, doesn‘t it?”

“Oh, fuck you”, Yui finally spits at you, shaking her head in pure disbelief before she turns to your boyfriend again, “and fuck you, too. I hope you‘ll be happy with your little toy and don‘t even think of crawling back to me when she leaves you for some kind of rich business guy who can actually offer her something”, is the last thing she says before she brutally grabs her bag and storms out of the rather crowded bar.

And as you watch her stomp away, the heavy, almost unbearable weight on your shoulders as well as your chest vanishes just like that; the feeling of being suffocated following right after.

However, you can't help but let her words echo inside of your head; the thought of Kyoutani actually thinking you‘d leave him for someone like your father has thousands of thoughts running through your mind.

With a soft pout on your lips, you go back to look at your boyfriend only to be met with a gaze so strong you feel yourself growing tiny underneath it‘s strength.

“Don‘t”, Kyoutani is quick to stop you as soon as he watches the way you open your mouth, making you gasp softly before you slowly press your lips into a thin line, “I don‘t care about anything that bitch said because just like everyone else – she‘s irrelevant”, he adds and pulls you flush against his chest with a low grunt.

You nod, appreciating his attitude now more than ever because you genuinely dont want him to let her stupid words get to him. So, with a soft smile on your lips and a relieved sigh, you take his handsome face into your palms and enjoy the feeling of being so close to him.

However, just as you try to go in for a kiss, Kyoutani pushes his thigh in between your legs, casually pressing his throbbing cock against your thigh as he tightens the grip on your waist.

You let out a shaky breath, the leather of his pants so close to your uncovered and incredibly wet cunt and for a good second you forget about your surroundings.

“Kenta-”, you whisper against his lips and try so hard to not just grind down on his strong thigh.

“Just — follow me to the fucking toilet, princess”, Kyoutani groans against your mouth before he inhales your scent and then suddenly pulls away, making you tumble against his chest.

With every step, another jolt of arousal and excitement shoots through your body, gushing out of your sensitive hole and wetting your panties to the point of discomfort.

As soon as Kyoutani opens the door to the washroom, he makes sure it’s empty before pushing you in with a deep sigh.

A shiver runs down your spine and a tiny smile forms on your lips as your boyfriend locks the door behind him and doesn’t even hesitate to turn you around and push you up against the wall. His pretty, tattoo clsd fingers find their way around your throat almost automatically and the contrast of his cold rings against your burning skin has you whining softly.

"Oh, baby", he grunts, "my pretty, littleangel girl", Kentarou presses his strong body harder against yours, his hips firmly grinding his hard cock against your ass, "you just made your Daddy really proud, do you know that?"

His voice is a mere whisper, his free hand finds its way underneath your short skirt and you shiver at the feeling of his strong fingers digging into the soft flesh of your thigh.

It takes you a hot minute to collect yourself and process his words because of all the arousal running through your blood and clouding your mind. You’re already so deep in the haze of your lust that even thinking about the possible consequences seems impossible.

Kyoutani slightly tightens his grip around your throat and easily elicits the sweetest moan from you; at this point you’re literally dripping down your inner thighs.

“I shouldn‘t be surprised because after all you are my good girl, right?", he growls and pushes his free hand in between your legs, cupping your drenched cunt and lazily sliding two of his fingers over your wet slit.

“Do you want me to tell you a secret, baby?", your boyfriend whispers into your ear, his hot breath fanning the skin of your cheek and sending shivers down your whole body.

“Y-Yes, please, Daddy”, you reply with the back of your head pressed against his collarbone and your lids fluttering close as Kyoutani applies just the perfect amount of pressure on your sensitive clit.

“Look at my good girl using her manners for me, so polite, so sweet”, he chuckles, “yet nothing but a fucking whore”, before he starts rubbing hard circles into your swollenbunde of nerves..

You start squirming underneath his strong grip with his fingers firmly wrapped around your throat and one of his digits teasing your clenching cunt in an almost mocking manner.

"Daddy”, you whimper softly, “I wanna know the secret, please”, you push your forehead against the cold wall and let the contrast of its temperature to your heated skin slowly cool you down in.

“I fucking love it when you get all possessive of me, angel baby”, Kyoutani grunts into your ear and plunges two of his thick fingers into your tight pussy.

Both digits slide right in without any problems because of how wet you’ve gotten from just his few words and the little bit of teasing.

And just as usual, your lovely boyfriend doesn’t even give you any time to feel ashamed of just how worked up he’s gotten you as he starts finger-fucking your hot cunt with practiced flicks of his wrist.

A row of loud moans falls past your lips, followed by quite a few whines and barely audible sobs.

“I just wanted to bend you over the counter and fuck you right in front of everyone, that’s how much your little scene turned me on, princess”, Kentarou moans and almost desperately rubs his clothed erection against your ass.

You feel yourself clenching harder and harder around his fingers at the sound of his words, his raspy voice never failing to make you lose your mind.

Kyoutani keeps up his rhythm as he shoves his fingers inside of you, curles them up in just the right way to make sure he hits your sweet spot with every single one of his harsh thrusts.

And in combination with the squelching sound of your juices, you find yourself approaching your high a lot faster than usual.

Of course your boyfriend absolutely loves the way your eyes keep rolling into the back of your head and how you can’t even form a proper sentence because of how good he’s making you feel with just his fingers.

After watching you claim him in such a lewd yet possessive way, he hasn’t stopped thinking about just how badly he wants to sink his cock into your tight cunt and fuck you absolutely senseless.

It took him a few minutes to decide whether or not he wanted to fuck you on his bike in the back of the bar before he came to the conclusion that the toilet would be the best place for the first round of many.

Kyoutani would never openly admit it, but the thought of you loving him so much that you’ve felt the need to mark your territory — as wrong and objectifying as this may sound — makes him incredibly happy.

He knows that you love him; you’ve never once done anything to make him doubt your feelings ever since you’ve started dating, yet to see you get so possessive over him reminded him of just how wanted he is.

And as he watched you go off on the girl he has never cared about at all, Kyoutani wanted to give you the world. As much as he loves degrading you, tonight he wants to reward you for being so, so good to him.

So, different from what you are used to, your boyfriend doesn’t stop thrusting his long fingers into your throbbing pussy as he feels your orgasm approaching; the spasming of your sensitive walls and your shaking thighs giving away just how close you are.

“F-Fuck, Daddy”, you breathe and wrapped your hand around the one he has firmly wrapped around throat, “I‘m going to cum.”

“Yeah? Pretty angel’s gonna cum for me, hm?”, Kyoutani sighs and picks up the pace of his movements, a deep grunt falling past his bit swollen lips at the sound of your sweet little sounds, “and I‘m not going to stop you, baby. Because you deserve it, pretty girl. Nowbe good for me and cum all over my hand.”

However, as you move your hips to meet his fingers, you find yourself craving more and although you know you could easily just cum from his fingers, you wanted to take what you could get now that Kyoutani was so willing to give you just what you want.

“Daddy, may I ask for something, please”, you whine, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes as Kyoutani contiues to fuck you, his thumb grazing your clit every now and then to prolong the approach of your orgasm just a little bit more.

Your boyfriend smiles into the back of your neck, his rapid breaths hit your skin and easily show you how much he was enjoying this, too.

“Go ahead, angel”, he says softly, “you‘re being so good for me today, I have no choice but to make tonight all about you”, his words confirm your thoughts and you quickly wrap your fingers around the wrist of his hand which is nicely nudged in between your legs.

“I want to cum on your cock”, you whisper and try to face him, “a-and I want to look at you”, not really daring to pull his fingers out of your clenching hole as you wait for his response.

Kenta gulps harshly, his adam‘s apple jumping and his eyes slowly fluttering close as your words reach him.

“Everything for my good girl”, Kyoutani gulps harshly before he finally pulls his hand away from your cunt and your throat and then takes a step back to give you enough room to turn around.

His eyes never once leave yours, his gaze so strong you don’t even dare to breathe as he looks at you even when all you want to do is to look down and watch the way he finally pulls out his precum dripping, rock hard cock.

There is no exchange of words, only one of soft gazes when your boyfriend lifts you onto the sink, pushes your skirt up, and makes you spread your legs with a soft slap to your inner thigh.

You feel your pussy clenching around nothing in such despair, you would have felt embarrassed if it wasn't for all the excitement rushing through your body.

Kyoutani tilts his head to the side, taking in the sight of eagerness gleaming in the pretty color of your eyes but also the soft tenderness of your love lingering in your expressions.

You’re very well aware of his leaking tip smearing his precum all over your inner thigh; so close to where you need him the most, but all you can focus on is just how close he is to you.

You love the way his scent is surrounding you, easily pulling you behind walls of comfort and happiness. And when he wraps his arms around your waist, you feel at ease, as if you had just entered the familiar walls of your home.

Kyou lines his cock up with your entrance before he slowly pushes his tip in with a deep grunt leaving his throat his lips as close to yours as possible; you can literally taste him on the tip of your tongue as he shamelessly moans your name.

It takes him a couple of minutes to bottom out because no matter how many times he has fucked you already, it would always remain a tight fit.

You gasp at the stretch, yet the painful sting quickly turns into waves of pleasure as you both try not to move before you’ve completely adjusted to his size.

The feeling of finally being filled to the brim again after craving him like a starved woman, you can’t help the sounds leaving your lips.

"Fuck, that‘s my good girl", he grunts into your mouth, pulling himself out of you before his hips snap back, thrusting his whole length into your sensitive cunt with such force, you feel yourself slowly drowning in the waves of your pleasure.

"There’s no pussy I'd choose over this sweet cunt, baby. You're always so, so tight and warm for me, taking me like you were made for my cock", Kenta keeps the praises coming as his thrusts pick up their pace and his deep grunts and groans fill your ears, you can’t help but clench around his length.

"Look, you're so close already and it's not even been a minute", he whispered, "what a dirty little whore you are, huh?", Kyoutani groans and drives his cock into you a lot faster, a little less controlled yet still so, so deep you can literally feel the tip of his huge cock nudge the entrance to your womb with every single one of his thrusts.

Tears start streaming down your cheeks as the pleasure overwhelms you in the most beautiful way possible and with a soft sob of his name, Kenta looks at you again.

Your hazy mind is too slow to process everything fast enough when Kyoutani pulls you into a passionate kiss which ends up in a clash of teeth and tongue and spit dripping down both of your chins.

And as if he could sense it, Kyoutani pushes his hand from your waist in between your legs. He pulls away and gathers the saliva in his mouth before he lets a thick drop of his spit fall onto your already drenched folds. He starts rubbing it into your clit with firm circle motions of his fingers, his eyes never once leaving your face as he watches you basically run towards your high.

“Cum for me, pretty girl”, Kyoutani whispers against your lips, his thrusts now deeper and harder rather than fast, making sure to hit every single one of your spots with the tip of his huge cock, “make me yours, baby. Cream all over my me and show me that my cock was made to fuck your pretty pussy only.”

And with those words the first wave of your orgasm crushes down on you.

You tumble over the edge so abruptly, you stop breathing for a whole second, your sight starts blurring out and turning white, then pitch black as a bunch of jolts from the aftermath of your orgasm break down onto you.

And it doesn’t take long for Kentarou to follow you; the tight walls of your cunt spasm around his throbbing cock so tightly, he feels himself growing dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

Just as usual, despite your post-orgasmic state, he makes you tilt your head back before he spits into your mouth and has you look into his eyes as you swallow every single bit of it without even batting an eyelash.

Kyoutani cums with a row of deep, choked out moans as he paints your cunt in the different shades of creamy white with his thick cum.

With your arms tightly wrapped around his broad shoulders and your forehead pressed against his chest, you watch your boyfriend pull his cock out of your still lightly spasming hole before he collects the mix of your releases on the tip of his fingers and starts smearing it over your lips before going in for another hot kiss.

You whine and whimper into his mouth at the taste of your own and his cum start coating your tongue and despite how lewd the whole act is, you found yourself craving for more.

“Fuck”, Kyoutani suddenly chuckle, his whole body vibrating at the sound as you lazily look up at him, “I love you so fucking much, princess”, he whisper and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. You tried your best to smile at him, your brain slowly taking in the sight of his flushed cheeks and blown out pupils.

“You‘re mine, Kyoutani Kentarou”, you mumble and pull him into another hug, the urge to cuddle after such an intense high overwhelming right then and there, “and sharing is not even an option. Just for your information.”

“All yours”, Kyou whispers and interlaces your fingers with his before he pulls your hand to his lips and presses a firm peck to the promise ring (his initials engraved to the front of it) on your middle finger, “always and for as long as you want me to be, my love.”

「𝐀/𝐍: This is a little sequel to "of cigarettes & love confessions" but can be read separately. Of course this is also a reuplod from my old blog (@/starboybokuto) I hope you guys like it and pls feel free to leave feedback if you did xx zade」

[secretaryunpaid]

Forgive me, my thoughts and comments are so out of order based on the chapter contents resonating so deeply with me... loss of a loved one due to a cruel and unfair illness.

This chapter crippled my heart and threw me back into my own memories of grief and loss (No worries though, as I love when reading a fic forces me to connect to my own life situations)...

This is one of the loneliest transitions a person can endure mainly because no matter how many people surround you, it can never bring the comfort felt by the loved one who was lost...

-not wanting to sleep alone... haunted by never-ending memories

-for not only Riley but Liam as well no doubt... wanting to comfort her through her pain, while desperately needing to show his love and commitment to her... remaining respectful of her mourning, while needing to show her the changes in him - those that would have made all the difference in their life paths in the past...

Riley is feeling the loss of Nico and re-living their life together through memories, and I have no doubt that Liam is doing the same. From their own history of love together, I can imagine his regrets are hitting him deeply right now ... from offering Riley the Cordonian Arrangement and failing to place her first to later connecting so profoundly with the man who has been living the life he craves with the woman of both their hearts and souls, while finding a way to honor Nico's wishes to care for the family his illness forced him to leave behind... He must find a way to nurture Riley out of her pit of pain into a future including him, not as a replacement for Nico because that would be impossible, but as a continuation of her life in happiness with someone who loves her as fiercely as Nico does.

Knowing the requests that Nico trusted him to carry out would force him to self-reflect. He has to not only place his emotions on hold but place himself in Riley's and Nico's positions.

I love that she silently watches him read to himself unnoticed... taking in all of his facial expressions and the way he moves his lips as he reads. This shows just how much she is in love with her husband. You can always catch the tiniest of details when they don't realize that you are studying them, even without intent or purpose. I bet she would have never guessed that he does this when it comes to English text.

Receiving loving messages from Nico would remind her of his undying love for her although it would be superseded by his eternal absence. I can almost feel the swell in her heart and the lump in her throat and chest... the tears would sting tender skin from flowing nonstop... I imagine that she could see him recording these as if he was there with her.

I also respect that Liam left after giving her the envelopes. It shows that he respects the love and loss she experienced because of Nico. It would also be impossible for him to restrain his need to take away her pain, but this particular act of his love would be overstepping... I say this because he would want to kiss her tears away no doubt while holding her tight within his protective grip.

Unfortunately, Liam would have to settle for loving acts that involved just being present and caring for their son while she is incapacitated. But that alone will mean so much to her once she is ready to focus beyond her pain which is by no means an easy thing to do... she lost someone invaluable to her and their children.

Disclaimer:

{*** Images and gifs used in my creations were not my own but were found during an internet search of face claims used. No theft/copyright infringement intended.***}

Memories of You

I am participating in @choicesflashfics prompt: Not all love stories get a “happily ever after.” Sometimes … it’s just once upon a time.” 

The Book:  TRF The Series: The Cordonian Arrangement The Pairings:  Riley x Nico / (Riley x M!OC) past pairing of Liam x Riley Word Count: 2477 Warnings and Ratings:  Character death, adult language, grief/  Teen Song Inspiration: Here Without You By 3 Doors Down Summary:  Liam gives Riley Nico’s final gift.  Riley reminisces of points of her and Nico’s life together towards the end of their relationship.  

Original Post: 03/25/23 at 3:31PM EST

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[gothchickwriting]

omg im so soft for how you write for tanjiro. he’s the ultimate sweet boy!! if you aren’t sick of writing for him, will you write a imagine where he’s an (endearing) hypocrite because he realizes his love has a fever and forces them to stop training and he takes care of them himself (despite them being at the butterfly mansion)?

I’ll never tire of writing for this man. 😩 He’s a cutie and I want a Tanjiro taking care of me the next time I’m sick or have cramps.

Tanjiro x GN! Reader: Food for a Fever, Love for the Soul

The shift in your movements was subtle. You were sluggish and uncoordinated from your typical self. The one that prided in honing their breath to perfection. It wasn’t until your steps staggered that he threw down his sword to catch you, ignoring the discomfort of your own training sword digging into his shoulder.

“Did I hit you too hard?” He righted you. “Y/N?”

“I’m fine.” The soaps the girls used in the mansion were strong and masked the smell of sickness until he was this close.

Tanjiro pressed the back of his hand against your forehead, frowning once the heat against his skin confirmed it. “You’re burning up.” He argues softly. His frown deepens when you sniffle.

“You’d still train with a fever.” You tried to see if he’d deny such a statement. He was such an ugly liar. He hesitated before guiding you towards the Manor.

“But you shouldn’t overexert yourself.” His tone is sweet and soft, and you’re too tired to debate once he takes the wooden sword to put it away. His hand is on your waist as he corrects you, pulling you away from the recovery wing. Your brows furrow and he’s quick to assure you. “Let’s have you rest somewhere quiet, hm?”

You enter his room. It’s mostly bare, but the box resting against the wall tells you all you need to know. You’re tired and just how awful you feel begins to hit you now that you’re forced to relax. The worry of potential whispers about your reputation, sleeping in a man’s bed that you weren’t married to, were far away. Especially when Tanjiro tucked you into the blankets so attentively.

You would have been alone if he wasn’t puttering in and out of the room. Three sets of eyes peek in as he gives you your medicine, no doubt having gone to the girls to get what you needed. There were excitable whispers between the little ones in the hall. Tanjiro was a catch: Kind, handsome, and selfless to a fault.

Though he quickly begins to wear on your patience. You adored him, but you wanted to sleep. His questions seemed endless and he was already backing up towards the door as he asked each one. ‘Are you thirsty?’ ‘Do you need more blankets? More pillows?’ ‘I’ll see if I can make you some okayu.’

Your hand comes up when he rouses you from the wisps of sleep, offering you the porridge he’d made. “Tanjiro,” You begin. He looks to you expectantly with the sweetest ‘hm?’ you’ve heard from him yet. Typically, you wouldn’t allow him to do much in the way of caring for you.

It doesn’t take a genius to know that he’s enjoying such an opportunity.

“I’m not crippled, just sick.” The scolding comes out softer than you’d like. Something he notices too. “I can feed myself.” You hold your hand out expectantly. He doesn’t hand over the bowl, however. In fact, his lips purse before he shakes his head. The way his earrings sway with the motion makes it seem more energetic.

“I want you to relax.” There’s no way he’d budge. Your face sours and you suck in a breath to calm your frustrations and embarrassment. He couldn’t be more transparent with how his smile grew wider once you, begrudgingly, opened your mouth. “There we go~.” The praise warms your cheeks, which only get hotter once you hear the giggles from the hall.

He feeds you another bite. “Let them have their fun.” Tanjiro murmurs to you. “I want them to know how their husbands should treat them.” Your eyes narrow, but there isn’t any venom behind it. Nor is there a rebuttal of ‘We aren’t married’. You simply take another bite in the hopes that you can sleep after you finish your meal.