kiniism

[kiniism]

darkrai movie still slaps guys cant even lie

yknow what. i think its time to watch the darkrai movie again. ive been thinking about it for like a week so im just gonna Do it

[kiniism]

yknow what. i think its time to watch the darkrai movie again. ive been thinking about it for like a week so im just gonna Do it

[kiniism]

ive got so many different thoughts in my head i think this is probably a bad idea so i might delete it later but im just going to. write them all down here in whatever order they come out of my brain just to try and get them Out for real. below the read more is genuine unfiltered (unmedicated lmao) just...fears and anxiety and Bad, so please dont click it if you're in a bad spot yourself. or maybe like at all in general idk its embarassing

okay we're here in the read more now. last warning to look away or scroll really fast. i really doubt this post is staying up for too long if i even have the balls to post it in the first place but im just waffling between so many extremes right now i have to do. something. anything. so again. leave if you need to, im not expecting to get anything out of this except selfishly maybe clearing my own head on my own blog and praying it helps me stop mentally self destructing

idk how to format any of this so ill just do bullet points and let them spill in whatever order happens

i have an absolute crippling fear of leaving my house At All because bad things have happened and ive come Home to said bad things having happened in my absence. also the fact that i currently dont have any health insurance or money period means if i go out and theres a car accident or i fall and break a leg or anything im just. thats it. its done. im done. this is a fear so big and ive lived with it for (checks watch) three years straight and its been impacting my basic ability to function since

i have no money. my savings were never amazing (perks of being employeed by a big chain corp at minimum wage right) and theyve only gone downhill since i lost my job. i havent told any of my family this, and between covering things for them so theyre not suspicious and my own stupid fucking brain trying to go "its a treat to keep me from killing myself :)" my bank is charging me fees for being under the minimum balance again. so what little money i have is continueing to drain away month by month and i literally cannot stop it or tell anyone in my house out of fear

im trying to do commissions to at least get my mimimum balance back again to stop the slow descent into not having a dollar to my name but i dont know how to put myself out there. no one has asked me to draw something for them. i dont know what part of it im doing wrong. am i just not good enough? are the prices too high? is my style not appealing? i dont have a following. i cant reach strangers. i dont know how to improve my art because i cant have FUN drawing when im SO AFRAID of whats going to happen to me when i hit zero. i cant bring myself to experiment with my style because if i change it, im afraid i wont be able to go back. ive essentially told myself im not allowed to enjoy art because i now have to make it my job, but i cant market myself, cant advertise, cant appeal, cant.........do anything to stop myself from falling further and further into obscurity

a family member a few states away is having a surgery in a month and needs someone to stay with them for a week in case of complications. im the top pick for this because i have no job or obligations but i a.) am currently mad at them for other drama reasons, b.) cannot drive, and c.) cannot help them off the floor by myself if they fall. the only thing i would do is feed their cats and call 911, which then means i either have to go in the ambulence with them to the hospital upon which we would be STUCK THERE (because no car to drive home) or stay alone at the house to do nothing. compounded with the fear of being gone from my own house for a week and the fear from the very start, this is the thing thats actively fucking me up right now. i dont want to go. if i go, somethings going to go wrong somewhere. i cant

speaking of things going wrong when im not looking. i started calling my grandma every day at the same time because i love her. and she fell one day (she wasnt hurt, just startled by a stuck door) and thankfully my sister was home so we could go over together and help her. but what if she hadnt been there. what could i have done by myself when she called asking for help. what would i do if i was states away and she needed help again. i would be stuck there. by myself. with the relative i hate the most. i dont want to think id actually hurt the relative im babysitting in that scenario but im afraid of myself and how unpredictable my moods have been lately

lets keep going down the list of bad things i fear happening because why the fuck not. one of my cats is turning fifteen in may and while shes still her normal grumpy self now i have to go and physically make sure i find her every night before i go to sleep to make sure shes still alive. sometimes shes sleeping so deep its hard to see her breathing, and i have to shake her awake which i feel really bad about every time. but one of the bad thigns that happened while i was away from the beginning. actually this specific thing has happened three times in total. was coming home to either news a pet had passed or needing to take them to the vet to have that confirmed

speaking of may. theres a subscription service i still have which is one of th eonly things that makes my life feel worth it at this point. its stupid but the things it offers brings those small moments of joy, and im desperate to Not find out what losing that is going to do to my brain, even though the thing itself has been going down in quality every update still. its a fucking stupid thing to want in the face of despair but i want to hold onto things that Do make me happy in the face of this massive wall of panic im constantly being crushed under day in and day out. its why ive been trying to push my commissions, so i can get out of the minimum balance and have enough to pay for it without going back under again, but at this rate ill just get overdrafted if i let it renew or i Will be finding out what losing it will do to me in a month

im almost certain im bipolar to some degree because i ve been swinging between WOW MY FAVORITE VIDEO GAME CHARACTER and this literal wall of soul crushing madness for several hours now. the wall of soul crushing madness is currently winning (i am crying as i keep letting the thoughts ramble out) but being unmedicated and undiagnosed and unable/unwilling to go to therapy and ACTUALLY tell a professional about any of this that im writing is going to end up killign me

i feel awful for writing any of this. i feel like im complaining about stupid shit and i should die for even feeling any of this, let alon espeaking it aloud. ever since i was small "other people have it worse than you" was drilled into me over and over again and its right. and i know its right. but its also wrong, but i shouldnt forget that its right too. i dont even know if anyone is down here reading this still, or if i really am just screaming into the void like i expected to in the first place. selfishly, i hope someone is out there. embarassingly, i hope no one clicked read more

all of my friends are going through their own struggles. i cant burden them with my own, because i dont have the strength to carry anything in return. i want to help them, connect with them, but what happens if i make even More work for them by Trying to help and then i end up breaking into ten thousand pieces

i dont know if i can think of anything else right now. i guess thats the end of it. thats the most of the thoughts. im still crying but at least i think i can breathe a little better now.

if you read this, a.) why, b.) thank you. please sleep well tonight

if you didnt read this, its okay, i didnt have any expectations for that (in like.. the most positive way i could mean it). i just hope you're doing okay

[kiniism]

i need a way to scream into the void that doesnt make people pity me but does make clear my situation and how fucked i am man anybody got one of those hanging around

[kiniism]

have You ever wondered what a devil may cry pyrobat under the influence of grima fire emblem would look like. because i have. he looks like this and his name is snap

hey also commission me and i'll draw your weird beasts too :3

[kiniism]

in my dream, i was you.

ive still got morgan on the brain honestly.....something about this palette just made me think for a minute

if you like my art, please consider commissioning me (send a dm!) :'3 i could really use the help

[kiniism]

👁️.

[kiniism]

ever been called soulless before?

(if you like my art, consider commissioning me! :'3)

[kiniism]

[kiniism]

are you five nights at fucking kidding me

[kiniism]

🥰

[kiniism]

one of my favourite things in echoes about grima is that it has proficiency in magic. you'd assume i mean black magic only, but nope! it can use white magic too!

of course... this isn't actually seen in game. the only attacks it has are expiration (monster-type weapon) and dark spikes (if it counts, it's technically a personal skill). we don't actually see grima use black or white magic, but the potential is definitely there! while black magic is pretty self explanatory, white magic has quite a few uses, such as warping, summoning, debuffing, but most importantly... healing! that's right! the creation is capable of healing others. which lines up perfectly with the fact that 1.) it's supposed to be the perfect entity, something "perfect" should have knowledge of all magic 2.) forneus's research had to do with reviving the dead, so why wouldn't his creation be able to wield powers relating to that? and 3.) grima revives validar in awakening so that just backs up point 2.

it might be preposterous, but it's still something grima has the ability to do. i also just remembered this specific line from awakening which implies grima can regenerate the body it inhabits. which feels obvious but it's still not explicitly stated...

the case of the risen is more akin to reanimation/necromancy, i wouldn't consider it to be healing in the traditional sense. just look at risen king chrom (in feh), for instance. he still has his wound from where grima killed him. and grima itself calls him lifeless. still worth mentioning, however.

anyway this has been on my mind again, and i simply think it's lovely that this tiny Force of Despair can heal others. 🩹 evil dragon is not so evil despite its outcries (which are contradictory anyway), more at 6:00.

[kiniism]

which one of u was going to tell me that tea tastes different if u put it in hot water?

[kiniism]

quick sketch

[kiniism]

been building a collection of posts from like minded individuals

[kiniism]

burn it all down to absolute zero

i got this song stuck in my head so i drew soulfire chien-pao from obscuros pixelmon!! highly recommend if you wanna play on a pixelmon server <3

if you like my art, my commissions are open! just dm me :>

[kiniism]

would anyone like a ~£20gbp sketch

i have miscalculated my bank balance