#his feelings are nowhere near entirely selfless but to me it felt like he had a lot more affection(?) for Victor before it all went to shit

[discountsoysauce]

I'm curious what people think about Victor and Eli's relationship during the Lockland Era. I'm of the opinion that Eli cared about Victor as a person more than Victor cared about him, which isn't to say I don't think Victor cared, but I think his care was a lot more focused on himself and how Eli made *him* feel. This isn't an analysis or anything, really. I don't have evidence from the books to back me. I'm just more sharing a headcannon than anything. If anyone has any thoughts on this please share them I'm curious

[xaharadesert]

Oblivious MC - Headcanon

Arcana Characters (Main 5) x MC

*Nadia in an upcoming post*

A/N: Yay, more headcanons! I know these are slow but the new school system is kicking my butt. This next one is for the amazing @genderless-plant-likes-thearcana! They come up with lots of cool ideas for prompts to send to various writers, so you should definitely check out their profile! They came up with a super cute prompt this time; an MC who is super oblivious to their LI’s romantic interest in them! I really appreciate the specifics added in the request, they really helped me out! Thank you! While you’re reading you may notice the headcanons get a bit goofier as they though ;) my bad, but this prompt was too fun. Another side note: I ran out of bullet points and couldn’t fit Nadia into this post, so she’ll be getting her own! As always, I recognize Asra’s non-binary gender orientation but will be using he/him pronouns :) Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes! Requests are open :)

❤️Julian❤️

He’s so in love with you

Like, more in love with you than he ever has been with anyone else

But he’s also insecure as heck

So when he starts dropping obvious hints about wanting to be in a relationship with you, and you just don’t get it...

He starts to think that maybe you only like him as a friend

I mean, he’s not being subtle at all

He flirts with you constantly, he sends you winks in the middle of a theatre rehearsal, he almost always has a hand on your should or back to guide you through the busier parts of Vesuvia...

Once he even stood up on a table in the middle of the Rowdy Raven and sang you a love song at the top of his lungs

You just thought he was being dramatic, as always

To you, Julian was an incredible friend

I mean, you maaay have had a teeeensy little crush on him, but he was such a sweetheart that you didn’t want to ruin the friendship you two had

You went on adventures together, you attended his theatre performances, and he did his best to support you in all your magical endeavours

Overall, the dynamic the two of you had was already incredible

And neither of you really wanted to ruin that

When Julian started thinking that maybe you only liked him as a friend he decided to be “selfless” and simply keep his feelings to himself

Of course, that would never work for long

Julian was a man of passion and, possible consequences be damned, he wanted you to know how he felt

So one day, when the two of you were at the Rowdy Raven together and he was tipsy enough to do something stupid, he stood up on the table and loudly announced his undying love for you

Believe me, even for Julian it was dramatic

It was a long speech about how amazing he thought you were, including vivid descriptions about each and every thing about your personality, appearance, and hobbies that he loved

So needless to say you needed cut him off a bit early so that the two of you wouldn’t be there all night

Unfortunately the first thought in your mind upon hearing this was “oh my stars he’s under some kind of spell”

You immediately dragged him out of the tavern and back to the magic shop to find some sort of cure, muttering theories under your breath the entire way

Julian, of course, was not under a spell and was feeling rather put out by your response to his confession

He wasn’t entirely sure where the two of you were going because you hadn’t bothered to share your suspicions with him (why would you? You thought he was being influenced by magic)

When the two of you reached your shop and you started skimming through books he finally asked what you were doing, seeming understandably surprised by the turn of events

You hesitated a bit, not knowing if it was worth explaining this to him, but settled on a brief explanation of “you’re under some kind of love potion and I need to break it” with a side of “please don’t do anything dumb while I try to help you”

Julian of course was, again, fairly shocked to hear this

A spell? What spell? He had been in love with you for months! There was no way it was a spell!

With his mind racing a mile a minute he finally realized what was going on

You were just really, really, REALLY oblivious to his feelings

This revelation caused him to laugh out loud, likely startling you out of your searching

When you looked at him in confusion and a bit of concern he only laughed louder, bending over and wheezing a bit

It took a while for him to calm down, even with your panicked response to his sudden change of emotion

When he was finally done laugiinh and had wiped the tears from his eyes he gave you the biggest grin he was possible of giving

He did his best to explain that no, he was not under a spell, no, he was not joking, and yes, he really did love you as more than a friend

He swears, the look on your face was worth the emotional rollercoaster he had been through that night

And you? Well, you probably needed a minute to process everything that he had just revealed

Of course, the feelings of love were mutual and you said as much when you could finally form words again

Julian was thrilled to hear that you loved him back

The two of you would be happy for many years to come, and even if Julian occasionally teased you about your obliviousness you could never truly be mad at him for it

🧡Portia🧡

She’s super open about just how much she loves you

Portia sees no reason to hide her true feelings, so she’s often very blunt about them

She’ll drop a “you’re gorgeous” or “I wanna kiss you” into a casual conversation like it’s nothing

But you somehow manage to not pick up on it

So of course, Portia doubles her efforts

She bakes you cookies in the shape of hearts, bring you nice flowers on her days off, and take you on what she considers dates, just waiting for you to pick up on her love for you

And yet none of this gets through to you

You think this is how Portia is with everyone

She was cheeky from the moment you met her, so when she tells you she wants to kiss you you just assume she’s joking

Everything else seems to just be an awesome friendship

Obviously Portia is super cute, and obviously dating her would be tons of fun, but there’s obviously NO WAY she could ever be interested in you like that... right?

Portia eventually starts to think you’re just messing with her

There’s no way you could be that oblivious

You definitely had to know she was into you, and you were just playing hard to get

She knows you have feelings for her too, the two of your wouldn’t be as close as you were otherwise

But, no offence, she’s getting a bit impatient

So she decides to just do what needs to be done

The two of you were walking through the market near your shop one day when she grabbed your arm to stop you in the middle of the crowd

She turned you so that you were facing her, looked you straight in the eye, and told you she loved you with the most serious expression you had ever seen on her face

As oblivious as you may be, there was no way for you to misinterpret this as anything other than the truth

Except there was

You assumed she was under a love spell

After the initial shock of finding out your friend was being influenced by magic was over, you immediately dragged her back to your shop without a word

Portia kinda thought you two were going home to make out and she was totally down with it

But when you entered the shop and started digging through your supplies, looking for something, she realized that maybe SHE had misinterpreted

She asked you what you were doing and nearly burst out laughing at the response

You thought she was under a spell? Seriously? You were actually that oblivious the whole time?

She thought it was the most hilarious thing she had heard in a long time

Eventually she managed to calm down enough to reassure you that, no, she was not under a spell

But of course you didn’t believe her, and thought that it was the spell talking

You went back to searching for an antidote while Portia continued trying to prove to you that she was genuinely in love with you

She listed the first time she realized she loved you, the first time she had said it to you to no response, the first time she had wanted to kiss you

She talked about how much she loved every part of you, from your personality, to your hobbies, to your insanely cool magic

Portia was nowhere near as dramatic as her brother could be, but she was very open about her love for you

Finally, you seemed to realize that she was telling the truth (no magic involved)

In turn, you confessed your feelings toward her as well

She gave you a bit of a sly grin and asked how she could be certain you weren’t under some magic spell

To this you responded by kissing her

So I guess she was right when she assumed you two were going back to your place to make out

The two of you were happy from then on, although Portia never let you forget just how dense you were

💛Lucio💛

It’s hard to imagine anyone could be so oblivious about his feelings

Lucio is the most in-your-face about his love for you

He leaves absolutely no room for doubt, which means it’s even more incredible that you don’t seem to get it

He has asked you to marry him about half a dozen times and you keep??? Laughing?? About it????

Doesn’t understand what’s happening

Nobody has ever done this sort of thing to him before, so his mind just blanks if he thinks about it too much

I mean there’s no way you could dislike him, right? You definitely return his feelings... RIGHT?

He’s insecure, but he’ll never admit that

Instead, he chooses to continue his over-the-top dramatic proposals and confessions until you say yes

On the other hand, you don’t really know what’s happening either

You know that Lucio’s a bit... strange, but this is a lot even for him

You start to think that maybe it’s his way of dealing with his feelings now that Nadia’s left him

So you decide to keep being a great friend to help him get through it!

And if that means wading through a bunch of strange emotional obstacles, then so be it!

(Lucio’s in the background banging his head against a wall in frustration)

It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy just being friends with you; he loves having someone around who genuinely cares about him

It’s just that he wants more

He hires people to build giant statues of you (which may be in poor taste, but who cares), he buys or sponsors all of your favourite shops, he always makes sure you get the best of everything

To you, this just seems like Lucio overcompensating for his previous “oopsies”

But one day it occurs to him that maybe you don’t understand his feelings because he’s going about it the wrong way

You’re pretty much immune to his dramatic proposals, so maybe he should try the opposite

So he put together a little plan

It wasn’t a particularly special night; no big occasion to be celebrated

He took you out to the balcony and leaned against the railing, looking oddly serious for someone who had no concept of emotional maturity

He took his time to prepare himself before speaking rather slowly and quietly in comparison to his usual tone

Lucio told you that he loved you, and he left no room for arguement

He didn’t embellish his words in any way, knowing that something simple would be the most likely way to get your attention

And boy did it work

You immediately assumed he was under some sort of spell

I mean Lucio? Acting like a normal person?? No way

You panicked right away and made a run for it, leaving Lucio behind on the balcony in your hurry to leave

Lucio, of course, was shocked, and more than a little offended to have been left so abruptly

People didn’t just leave him places without a good explanation

So obviously he chased you, yelling after you as you did your best to navigate the palace on your way to the library

Unfortunately for you, Lucio is surprisingly athletic and managed to catch you before you reached the door

He untactfully grabbed your arm, which caused you to scream, which caused him to scream, which caused everything to become even more of a mess than before

The two of you were just standing in the middle of the hall, screaming at each other

You wanted to find a way to free Lucio from whatever spell he was under, and Lucio wanted to know why you were running away

When you both calmed down (you being the first, of course), you explained your theory, which wounded Lucio’s ego even more than before

Lucio in return, replied in a not-so-polite manner, asking if you really thought he was stupid enough to be put under some dumb spell

Yes

Yes you did

Lucio had to explain his entire thought process behind confessing in such a normal way, which was pretty embarrassing from his perspective

But to you, it likely came across as sweet as it finally dawned on you that yes, he really was in love with you

The two of you probably had to immediately follow up the confession with a talk about whether or not he was serious about getting married

He was, but he didn’t want to make you feel awkward so he denied it

You two agreed to take things a little slower than he originally planned

The relationship was slightly awkward for the first few days, because neither of you quite understood what had happened the night of the confession

But either way, the two of you were happy, and that was all that mattered

(Although, when Lucio eventually asked you to marry him again it was just as chaotic and messy as the first time)

💚Muriel💚

Oh no, this won’t end well

Muriel is almost the epitome of insecure, so flirting is pretty much impossible for him

He tried a couple of times to be more forward, but when you didn’t respond to his advances he quickly backed down

He didn’t want to overstep, and immediately assumed you just wanted to be friends

Although, admittedly, he has seen other people flirt with you, and you don’t respond to them either

So maybe you’re just not interested in relationships? Or maybe you’re just as bad at flirting as he is

Either way, as much as he loved you, he didn’t push

From your perspective it would seem like Muriel just wanted to be friends

And frankly, anyone else around you would think the same thing

There was nothing particularly romantic about how Muriel acted around you

Arguably the boldest thing he was doing was spending so much time with you

But to you, this was simply a friendship

And of course, you greatly valued Muriel’s friendship

Once you had gotten past the rough exterior, you found that he was a giant sweetheart

He carved small wooden figures for you, and didn’t seem to mind spending time with you

Inanna loved you too, so that was a bonus

Your friendship with Muriel probably lasted much longer than it would have if either of you had any sense of romance

Neither of you tried to take things further because both of you were terrible at flirting and being flirted with

Eventually someone (Asra) had to step in and give Muriel a little push

Asra had known you for a long time, so he alerted Muriel to how oblivious you were and how to best confess his feelings

Muriel didn’t really want to confess at that point, because he didn’t want to make things awkward between you two if something went wrong

But his love for you outweighed his anxiety and he decided to do it anyway

It was a rather cold night, and the two of you were in his hut

You were both curled up by the fire (plus Inanna, of course), and you were telling Muriel a story about a particularly annoying customer from the day before

When you finished the story, a comfortable silence fell between you (which was something Muriel had always appreciated; silence with you was never awkward)

That was when Muriel took his chance and quietly told you he loved you

Except he said it too quietly and you didn’t hear him over the sound of the fire

I mean, you saw his lips move, and therefore asked him to repeat himself, but it was still quiet

Muriel hadn’t anticipated this, and accidentally repeated it in a voice that was much too loud for such a peaceful night

He immediately winced in embarrassment, only to be startled from it when you screamed

He had been anticipating rejection, but he thought a scream may have been a bit dramatic

But of course, you didn’t see it as a rejection; you thought Muriel was under a love spell

Why else would your quiet, anti-social friend suddenly confess to something you had never even seen him hint at before?

And more importantly, who had out the spell on him? Most people didn’t know about him, so it was either someone close to him, or someone EXTREMELY powerful.

You didn’t know which one was worse

You leaned forward, cupping his face in your hands and staring into his eyes, promising that you would help him

This only succeeded in confusing him, the poor man

He didn’t know what you were talking about, and you were starting to freak him out a little

When he asked if you were alright, you started to look confused too

You reminded him that he was the one under the spell, not you

Cue a chorus of confused “what?”s being exchanged by two confused people

In the end, Muriel realized that you had thought he was under a spell when he suddenly confessed

He blushed as red as a tomato and did his best to string together enough words to explain to you that he wasn’t

He genuinely loved you

He also quietly cursed Asra for making him confess, which suddenly helped a lot of pieces fit together for you

You nodded along and agreed that Asra’s meddling was problematic in this case

In the end the two of you spent a fair portion of the night just talking out your feelings and realizing that maybe you would like to be more than friends

Both of you were blushing a lot throughout the entire thing, and years later when the two of you were happy together, you mutually decided to never bring up how you had gotten together in the first place

Asra, however, had somehow found out, and was determined to never let either of you live it down

💙Asra💙

Subtlety? Never heard of it

Asra is the absolute best at letting you know just how much he loves you

Even despite your obliviousness, you are fully aware that he loves you

And of course, you love him back!

How could you not?

Except, the way you see it... it’s platonic love

And Asra is 100% okay with that!

You two share a heart, so he fully understands that you view the live that you two share as platonic

This doesn’t really bother him; as long as you’re alive and happy, that’s all that matters

He’s perfectly content to pursue a strong friendship with you

But of course, being the cheeky legend that he is, he has to slip in some flirting and teasing once in a while

He’ll wink at you in the middle of work, casually brush against you while passing you in the shop, and hold your hand as often as possible

But of course, you view this as friendship

Who doesn’t cuddle with their best friend literally every night? That’s totally normal

You couldn’t ask for a better friend than Asra; he’s always there when you need him and he somehow always seems to know how you feel

You’re incredibly grateful to know him, and you feel safe and comfortable living in the same space as him

Yep, definitely only friendship feelings

He shows his love in little ways to you every day

The two of you live together, so of course you will occasionally have a petty arguement and try to stay seperate for a while, but that doesn’t stop him

He’ll “forget” which chores are yours and do a couple for you, he’ll make your favourite drink “by accident” and then claim he isn’t thirsty, and he’ll casually send Faust into the same room as you if he thinks you’re crying

Overall, just a great partn- I mean friend

He doesn’t really feel the need to confess to you, but if he notices that you’re starting to feel a more romantic attraction toward him then he’ll definitely take advantage of that

If you only wanted to be friends, then, well, that was one thing

But if you wanted to be something more... then he was definitely more than okay with that as well

Asra didn’t exactly plan out how he would confess to you, and instead waited for what he felt was the right moment

He knew it would come eventually, and there was no real rush

So when the two of you were travelling together, and you were both stargazing late at night, the feeling struck him

You had just settled down from laughing at a joke when he gently tilted your chin so you were looking into his eyes

He told you he loved you, but there was certainly something more personal this time

But of course you were incredibly oblivious so you just grinned and said it back, not really thinking about it too much

Of course Asra knew you had missed the point, so when you went back to looking at the stars he propped himself up so he was leaning over you a bit and repeated it

This probably confused you a bit, but you said it back again, thinking that maybe this was some kind of game

He held back a laugh and tried again, this time putting more emphasis on the “love” part

You missed it, and repeated it back

At this point he was trying not to laugh, and knew that he had only one more try before he wouldn’t be able to hold it back

This time he tried explaining more thoroughly

He told you he loved you romantically; as in, a love that was more than platonic. Romantic, soulmate kind of love. Not friendship. Please get it this time.

Your mouth formed a perfect “o” as you finally got his point

For a brief moment, Asra felt relief, thinking that he had finally gotten his point across

Instead he received immediate and extreme panic as you quickly shoved him away. While screaming.

This certainly hadn’t gone as planned

He was desperately trying to calm you down while you rambled about every place you two had been on your trip, trying to locate a time where Asra could’ve been put under a love spell

Asra, of course, found this hilarious, and started laughing harder and harder while also trying to calm you down

This only caused you more distress, and soon there were tears streaming down your face while you tried to convince him that no, this wasn’t funny

He knew you were genuinely concerned about him, and he genuinely was trying to stop, but this had come out of nowhere and he didn’t really know how to respond either

Eventually, you both managed to calm down (but only the kind of calm where he would occasionally look at you and burst into giggles again)

He did his best- between giggle fits- to explain to you that he genuinely did love you and he definitely wasn’t under any spell

He told you that he had loved you for years, and that he always would

He also subtley pointed out that he had been flirting for years and you had just been completely oblivious

No confession would truly be complete without a bit of teasing

You probably felt a bit embarrassed, but he reassured you that it was just a part of your charm

Of course, you told him you felt the same, and the two of you went back to watching the stars, this time just a bit closer than before

From then on, not a whole lot changed in your relationship

The two of you were practically in a romantic relationship already, so really all that was different was a few more kisses and a slightly different intention behind the “I love you”s the two of you shared

[anntoldst0ries]

Christmas (Baby please come home) - part II

Pairing: Dr Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr Vicky Valentine)

Word Count: 6k+ 

Rating: R

Summary: Ethan & Vicky’s first Christmas together… will everything go as planned?

Category: Mini series, completed. Part I can be found here.

Warnings: A tiny bit of explicit language, mild sexual content. Other than this - I declare fluff, fluff and nothing but the fluff! :D  

Author’s note: Part II is here and it’s long - sorry not sorry :D I put a lot of effort into this story and I hope you’re gonna like it :) I’d like to thank A. from the bottom of my heart, not only has she proofread it and corrected my mistakes, but also gave me the most amazing feedback. Jenner’s response is also hers, but she thoughtfully let me use it :) This is for you my dear <3

Written for CFWC Winter season, using prompt 10. 

Christmas Eve

And then it was just them. 

In the car.

Alone. 

“For someone who has just said more words in 5 minutes than he does for a whole week, you’re surprisingly quiet, Dr Ramsey.’’

“Excellent observation, Dr Valentine. This is exactly the type of insight that earned you a spot on the Diagnostics Team.” Ethan threw her a tiny smile. “But it’s not surprising. It’s called getting things back on an even keel.”

She didn’t say anything, just gently moved her gaze outside the window, where the wintery Boston landscape unfolded right in front of them. In the background, Frank Sinatra’s velvety voice tucked her like a blanket and she couldn’t help but think he’d love White Christmas in the state of Massachusetts.

It wasn’t until then that she actually realised the Christmas song was playing in Ethan's car and not from the radio. This healthy compromise (Sinatra for him, Christmas song for her) made her smile, as she knew how much of an effort listening to Christmas tunes was for the man sitting on her left. His ears must have been bleeding heavily. She made sure of it, playing the jingles at full blast every evening, scarring him for life. 

“Did you call your family to let them know you’re not coming?” Ethan’s deep baritone roused Vicky from the sea of thoughts she was immersed in. 

“Nope, for two reasons: a - they didn’t know I was coming in the first place and b - I am still undecided.” 

Vicky noticed the muscles on his face twitch in an instant.  

“What can I do to help you make your mind up?” Ethan gently took her tiny hand in his and caressed the inside with his thumb. Then, he took it to his mouth and placed a kiss with great reverence, as if he was a religious fanatic and she was an object of religious cult. 

This took her by surprise. She was expecting a snotty remark, a raise of an eyebrow or dead silence. Instead, the question hit her with a load of affection so genuine that warmth instantly spread in her chest.

She knew exactly what it was that she needed.

He knew exactly what she was going to ask for.

“Ethan, I… listen, you and I both know there is something more to your reaction. What I said in your office, it was just a trigger. I don’t know what it is and frankly I thought about never mentioning it again. But we both know that the next time this happens, you will cut me off again. I am not going to force you to do something you don’t want to. I just can’t keep going through the same cycles and… and—“

He put his palm on hers and took a deep breath. 

“Are you hungry? Tired?” The older doctor asked with concern.

What the hell? Oh, I see what you’re doing Ramsey. Change of subject. Fine. I said what I wanted to say. The ball’s in your court now, doc.

“No to both.” She said as neutrally as possible, trying her best not to show him that the sudden change of subject upset her.

“Good. Before we go home, there is a place I need to stop by, is that ok?” The question sounded shyly, it wasn’t a tone she’d ever associate with him.

“I’ve never heard of a murderer who asked his victim if it’s ok to stop by the crime scene.”

“Trust me, if I were to murder you, you wouldn’t know.”

“Hmm, I’d like to think I know you well enough I would at least suspect.”

“I’d like to think you know me well enough to also know that I’d rather give you one of Dr Ramsey’s signature tirades. They are worse than murder.”

“No arguments here. So, will you tell me where we are going?”

“You’ll see.”

Soon, Ethan parked the car. He unbuckled the seat belt, opened the door and rushed to the other side, to open hers. He reached out for her hand with a faint smile and she blushed at the gentlemanly gesture. 

Having intertwined their fingers, Ethan led her along a high brick wall until a gate materialised in front of them. He gently pushed the gate and let her through. Only then did she realise where they actually were.

“Commonwealth Avenue Mall? What are we doing here?”

“If you ask me, it’s one of the most picturesque pathways I’ve ever seen and not only during winter. I like to come here for my runs and to… contemplate. Walk with me?” He asked, but it wasn’t really a question. Hand in hand, they walked down the alley. Fresh snow scrunched underfoot and the strings of lights danced to the melody of delicate wind. If this wasn’t a fairytale setting, she didn’t know what could be.

Vicky studied Ethan’s features carefully. Although he was still a closed book sometimes, she’s gotten quite good at reading him over the months. After Edenbrook, Ethan Ramsey was the second biggest field where her sharp diagnostic skills were heavily utilised. Maybe that’s what she should focus on once she starts her PhD? “The curious case of Ethan Jonah Ramsey.”

That’s how she noticed that something was clearly eating Ethan from the inside. If her calculations were correct, there was approximately 1/1000 chance of him making a decision to speak, so she decided to throw him a lifebelt. 

“Ethan, I can see that you want to say something, but it feels like you’re hesitating. Please don’t feel obliged to talk, I want you to do it on your own terms. As long as I know you want to talk to me eventually, I’m fine.”

“If I don’t speak now, I’m afraid I might never summon the courage.” Ethan tried to make it sound like a joke, but she knew how serious he was right now. She knew how much it had to cost him. Suddenly, she stopped and put her hands around his neck, then pressed her forehead to his.

“Don’t do this because of me.”

“Because of you? I’m not doing this because of you. I’m doing it for you. For us. What I’m about to say is painful, Vicky, but it’s nowhere near as painful as the thought of losing you. I’ve already told you how much time we lost because of my stubbornness. When… when you and Raf were locked in the hospital room…when I thought you were slipping from my grasp…” He had to stop to clear his throat and take a deep breath, clearly struggling to talk. “I promised myself that if life gives me a second chance, I will not waste it. I will work on this, on us, harder than I’ve worked during my 10 years at Edenbrook combined. I’d climb every damn mountain and swim every ocean if that’s what it takes to have you in my life.” 

She wanted to cry. It took every ounce of her strength not to. Ethan wasn’t a blabbermouth, but when he spoke - man, he knew how to choose his words wisely.

“Ethan, whatever it is… we will get through it. Together. You are not alone, darling.”

Ethan felt tears prickling from underneath his closed lids. Not only because of what she said, but also because of what she didn’t say. He saw the impact of his words in her eyes, yet she didn’t want to make this about her, but him. Her selflessness was one of the things he loved and admired most about her.  The older doctor never let himself be so vulnerable with any other person and as hard as it was for him, it also felt strangely right. As if all the pieces of this crazy puzzle called life finally came together. 

Feeling as ready as he’d ever be, he took a deep breath and said: “Let me take you on a trip down memory lane…”

25 years earlier

Ethan is 11 and he’s sitting alone in his room. The window in the 4 walls of his world overlooks the street and it's his only connection to the outside world. The window sill underneath is wide enough to sit on it, but not very comfortable for a long time. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there, unmoving. It may have been hours, it may have been days. Time lost its sense.

He’s already past the point of pain caused by the unnatural position, his body has entered the numb phase, and he doesn’t feel anything anymore. He wishes his mind could join his body in the bliss of being rid of feelings.

It is only thanks to the carollers wandering on the streets that he’s convinced it must be Christmas Eve. And how he also knows it’s been 27 days since his mother walked out on him. Anger mixes with despair, yet he’s unable to stop waiting for her, stop jumping involuntarily at any movement in close proximity of his home. There is still hope.

Unbeknownst to him, Alan stands on the other side of the door trying to make the hardest decision today: to save his son or to be there for his son. Alan is a painful reminder of the life they once had, a bridge to the reality that tumbled down. He slowly retreats from the door, unsure if he’s doing the right or the bad thing. How are you supposed to know? Life does not exactly prepare you for moments like this.

Everyone asks him how Ethan is. No wonder, he is just a child whose mother disappeared into thin air. But do they not realise he suffers too? He loved, loves this woman more than life itself.

Alan was furious at Louise. But was he surprised? Not entirely. Deep down, he always knew that she was a restless soul. She always gave him hints - a subtle comment here and there, some words said during one of their fights. But he was blindly in love, so whenever she gave him reasons to think they shouldn’t be together, he ignored it. And when she did something that surprised him, she won him over and he lost the argument with himself.

What worried Alan was that Ethan started showing Louise’s personality traits. And as much as she fooled him, he didn’t want his only child to end up broken and hurt. If he could, he’d do anything to protect him. But even as a father he was unable to shield his child from the damage of being abandoned by his mother, the only person that should forever shower him with unconditional love. How does one ever recover from such trauma?

Ethan knew. Although his dad tiptoed around him, he felt it. He knew exactly that he was fighting internal battles. He knew that his father suffered. 

There wasn’t anything that he wanted more than for his dad to come and hug him and tell him everything’s gonna be alright.

Or for his mum to come back home and explain the unexplainable. 

But somehow he knew this wasn’t going to happen and he was tired of waiting for a miracle.

And on this Christmas Eve he made a decision: he will never let anyone fool him with a promise of unconditional love ever again.

He will separate himself from the rest of the world, build a wall so high no one will ever be able to jump over it. 

No one will hurt him again, because you can’t hurt the rational mind, you can only hurt an emotional heart.

Today

“I haven’t cried since.” Ethan was now full on sobbing. “Until I met you, that is.” 

She pulled him as close as humanly possible and enveloped him in a tight hug, with his head resting upon the crook of her neck. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks abundantly.

The older doctor was afraid that once he’d start, he’d never stop crying. All his shattered dreams, his sleepless nights, silent prayers, fake smiles, they all joined forces and attacked him with all their might. Had it not been for her hard grip, he might’ve fallen on his knees. How this petite girl found so much strength was a mystery to him, but he’d never been more grateful. 

She kept rubbing soothing circles on his back and neck. It made her feel so unspeakably sad that the man she loved had to carry this unimaginable burden throughout his whole life. And as much as it sucked, she was happy that from now on, they could carry this burden together. Although he didn’t say anything, Ethan must have agreed, as she felt the tension slowly leaving his shoulders. They stood there in the freezing cold for what felt like forever. But neither of them seemed to mind, because they were in their tiny little bubble, impenetrable, where no one could hurt them.

Finally, the older doctor broke the silence.

“Let’s go. You must be freezing.” 

“I’m about 5 minutes from hypothermia but I should be fine. I know a great doctor.” 

“Well, one of the most important principles of modern medicine is ‘prevent, not cure.’ Plus, I think someone has really missed you.”

———

“OMG Jenner st—“

Before she was ready to finish the sentence, she was already on the floor, laughing like a maniac. 

“You will be the death of me, Jenner.”

I’ll treat that as a compliment, Vic. But Christmas treats first, chatting later, lady!  

That’s how she thought the conversation went in the dog's head. Ethan helped her get up and took her coat. 

“I hope you are still not sleepy.”

“Not really, why?”

“Because I need a companion.”

“Always & with pleasure, but I assume you mean something else right now?”

“You minx. I want you to sit down comfortably, I’ll pour you a glass of wine. You can watch one of your favourite Christmas movies or play Christmas songs - whatever your heart desires.”

“Who are you and have you eaten my own Mr Grinch, Christmas-friendly creature?”

“I just need you to sit here whilst I’ll be working. Now go and get changed.” 

She obeyed quickly, which she always did when he used his commanding doctor voice on her. Whilst changing into leggings and a hoodie, some weird noises reached her ears, clearly coming from the living room. When Vicky came back, a glass of white wine sat on the coffee table. But that’s not what surprised her.

The 37-year old diagnostician was tangled in Christmas lights and so was Jenner, who thought his master was playing some sort of game with him and kept jumping around Ethan.

“What are you doing?”

“Well…since, because of me, you had to call off Christmas, I’m reinstating it. I will take all the decorations out while you’ll be sitting here doing nothing, maybe apart from instructing me on how to do it right. Does this sound like a fair punishment?”

“Only if you let me record this and post it on Pictagram.”

“Don’t cross the line, Valentine.”

“Ethan Ramsey, king of rhymes! Fine, I suppose I can still die happy knowing I’ve instilled the Christmas spirit into you.”

“Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to actually dump you in the forest…”

“Talk to the hand, Gramps!”

 ---------

Christmas Day

Christmas mornings were always rushed and crazy at the Valentine household. Although Vicky loved Christmas in her family home, she didn’t know how much she actually enjoyed the lazy, easy Christmas mornings until she was able to experience it. And she couldn’t be more content that it was with Ethan.

Mercifully, he let her sleep until 9am (obviously, he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t mumble something about her sleeping too long and how she was able to function like this, but she completely ignored the remarks) and then brought her breakfast to bed, which she consumed in its entirety, with a little help from Jenner. The most important meal of the day had been delivered with a complimentary kiss, which was her favourite part.

“Ethan!” She shouted from the bedroom, not quite ready to leave the comfort of his bed. The older doctor left her with the food and went to prepare them both a cup of coffee.

“Jesus Christ woman, you’re so loud I’m starting to consider getting rid of my stereo.”

“Oh, it didn’t seem to bother you last night.” She winked at him and he grinned involuntarily. How was it possible that she was in possession of his facial expressions too?

“Anyway, can you please remind me what time we have to be there tonight?”

“Be where tonight?”

“Naveen’s Christmas Party.”

“We’re not going.”

“Yes, we are.”

“No, we are not.” 

“Ok, let me rephrase this: me and my unearthly seductive dress are definitely in attendance. If you and Your Royal Grumpiness wish to stay home, be my guests.”

“You don’t play fair.”

“All’s fair in love and war.”

“You know how much I hate rubbing shoulders with idiots in bowties.”

“I do, but let me offer some consolation. This time, you don’t have to do this, because we are not raising any donations. Also, we can laugh at those idiots together and if either of us is stuck in a pointless conversation, the other can always rescue them.”

He couldn’t argue with her logic, instead pulling her close against his chest and kissing the top of her head.

Later this evening 

“V, how much longer until you are ready?” Ethan was growing impatient. He hated waiting and just couldn’t understand what took her so long. He was convinced that even wearing a garbage bag, she’d be the most stunning woman in the room.

“Ethan, nothing has changed since you’ve asked me 5 minutes ago.”

“Fine, but don’t be surprised if I leave without you.” 

“No you won’t. But for someone who didn’t want to go at all not longer than 8 hours ago you are quite eager now. Call me an influencer.”

“I’ll call you whatever you want if this means we can leave soon. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can come back.”

“Whatever I want? Bad move Ramsey, bad move.” 

“I’ll sho—“

He turned around and the words got stuck in his throat at the sight unveiling in front of him. She looked like a freaking goddess, who decided to descend from Mount Olympus and grace the mortals with her presence.

“You were saying?”

“I..I… you..well..” For a man so educated he now sounded less articulate than a toddler. To make things worse, a certain body part painfully reminded him that behind the facade of accomplishments, he was still a primate. 

“Ethan, could you stop talking so much? I can’t hear my own thoughts.” She laughed and it was so infectious that he couldn’t help but smile. 

She decided to wear a long, black gown, with a thigh high split showing her slim, tanned legs that he was a total sucker for. The ensemble was complimented by crystal embellished sandals and glamorous drop earrings. 

“I’ve never seen anyone whose insides matched their outsides so accurately. To me, you are perfect.”

Her heart stopped and she felt butterflies waltzing through her stomach. No matter how many times Ethan complimented her, she always felt like Cupid punched her right in the face. And she hoped the feeling would never fade or disappear.

“So you watched Love Actually with me yesterday.”

“Watched is an overstatement. I might have peeked a few times.” Ethan cleared his throat. “Can we go now?”

“Absolutely not. Did the Edenbrook gala not teach you that if you need to attend an event you are not particularly excited about, you shouldn’t go sober?”

“I suppose you have a point here. One drink.”

“Three.”

“Two.”

“Deal! Pleasure doing business with you, Dr Ramsey.” 

Ethan poured them both a glass of his best scotch. Before she was able to take a sip, he stopped her with his hand. “I’d like to propose a toast.”

“Fire away.”

“To curing the incurable. In medicine and in life.” He sent her a sweet, genuine smile that made her heart beat ten times faster.

Then, they made some bets about what’s going to happen during this year’s party, who’s going to get so wasted that they will be forced to perform a walk of shame for months to come. For the whole time, the younger doctor couldn’t shake the feeling that he is studying her.

“What is it? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, I’ve spent too much time with you for my observation skills not to improve insanely. Like it or not, you created a monster.”

“I like to think of it as making the world a better place… nevertheless, I’m impressed, Dr Valentine. For a 3rd year resident your skills are exquisite.” 

She put her hand on her heart and smiled. All the compliments she’s ever received in her life faded in comparison to one from Ethan Ramsey. Her high school hero, her inspiration and she still couldn’t quite believe it, the man she was now sharing her life with. 

“Now, if you’ll allow me, I must order a cab now, otherwise I may lose a battle soon.”

“What battle?”

Ethan looked at her, lust flooding from his eyes. He quickly stepped behind her and gripped her waist, then leaned into her ear, catching it ever so gently with his lips. This alone was enough for her knees to give out and she was never more grateful for the kitchen island and the fact she was holding onto it for dear life. But he didn’t stop there. He whispered into her ear and no other sounds in the world could compare to the symphony of his voice, dripping with desire.

“The one in my mind, between my rational mind and my primal desire, urging me to rip off this dress and devour you right now.”

Goosebumps spread across her body, a painful reminder of the fact that maybe her mind and mouth could lie to Ethan, but her body couldn’t. Damn it.

She knew it was a matter of milliseconds before she’d be unable to make a rational decision, so she quickly slipped from Ethan’s grip and whispered: “You should order it now then.” Then, she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“Oh, you’re gonna make me work for it, aren’t you?”

“Well, that’s only part of the reason. The other, bigger part is that I just really, really want to show up at this party with my insanely hot boyfriend by my side, without finally having to hide and pretend. Unless…he’s ashamed of me.” 

“Vic, there are a lot of things in my life that have ‘shame’ and ‘you’ in one sentence. I’m ashamed of running away from you to Amazon. I’m ashamed of denying my feelings for so long. I’m ashamed of hurting you, more than once. But to have you by my side, to finally call you mine? That’s my greatest pride. Now, shall we?” He offered her a wide smile and his arm.

“You asshole. First, you try to seduce me and then you make me cry. Let’s go then, Naveen is going to kill us. I promised we’re only gonna be fashionably late.”

———————

The party was already bustling when they arrived, the room filled with chatter of many guests in attendance. The event was Naveen’s pride and a tribute to his many years as one of the most important figures in today’s medicine. It was almost like Elton John’s Oscars after party - everyone wanted to be there. Being there made Vicky feel special, but more than that, uneasy - she was still just a resident and somehow felt like she didn’t belong there. At least, not yet.

In the background, the string quartet played classical versions of popular songs and carols. The venue was impressive, located within one of Boston’s most prestigious hotels, whose owner was Naveen’s - obviously - long time friend. 

The second Dr Banerji spotted them, he practically ran in their direction, almost bumping into one of the guests.

“Well well, if this isn’t my favourite pair of doctors. Dr Valentine, you look like you walked out of one of Botticelli’s paintings.”

“Enough with the formalities. I’m so happy to see you, Naveen! Merry Christmas.” She hugged the old doctor tightly and although initially surprised by this display of affection, he instantly relaxed and returned the hug.

“Merry Christmas, my dear.” 

“It’s quite something, this party of yours Naveen. You’ve outdone yourself.”

“Why, thank you. You know what my favourite part is?” He locked arms with the younger doctor and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “This party satiates my hunger for gossip for months to come. And I’m pretty sure this evening will be, for many reasons, unforgettable. Enjoy your evening, my friends, I shall see you around.” 

Naveen winked at Vicky and Ethan felt like there was some sort of unspoken agreement between them, one that he wasn’t a part of.

“What was that about?”

“What was what about?”

“I know you and I know Naveen. Something is off here.” 

“Ethan Ramsey, are you jealous? FYI, I don’t fancy older men. Oh no, wait. I totally do.” She was trying really hard to stay serious, but failed miserably.

“Very funny, Valentine.”

“Sorry Gramps. This one you were totally asking for.”

“I’m gonna go get us some real drinks, I need to hydrate myself heavily if I’m to survive the evening.”

“Don’t cloud your judgement too much, Ethan. You may need it.” 

Maybe he was imagining the whole exchanging looks thing between Vicky and Naveen. But now he was certain she’s hiding something. And he intended to find out what it is or he was not Dr Ethan Ramsey. 

After he fetched them the drinks, they found their seats and soon Naveen made his annual speech, summarising the whole year and thanking tons of people. Vicky loved experiencing Naveen as a speaker, he didn’t have Ethan’s commanding presence, but his years of experience and sincerity in his voice made everyone listen with absolute silence.

He then joined them at the table. Of course he sat us with him, Ethan thought.

“Naveen, if you think I’m going to be your source of hospital gossip, think again.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. We don’t spend as much time in the hospital together and I miss my dear friends.”

Before he was able to respond, Vicky pinched his thigh under the table and sent him a murderous look. 

“We miss you too, Naveen. Now, why don’t you two catch up properly, whilst I’m gonna go and do my round of talks, there are a couple of people I wanted to chat with.”

“Sure, feed me to the lions, Vic.”

“When have you become such a drama queen, Ethan? If I wanted to feed you to the lions, you’d be standing over there.” She pointed her finger to the corner of the room, where some big pharma executives were enjoying themselves. She waved friendly in their direction, and they responded in kind.

“Alright gentlemen, I need to run before they catch me.”  

Before she turned around, her and Naveen shared meaningful looks, but before Ethan had a chance to ask, she was already gone. Plus, Naveen changed the subject and the two immersed themselves in a very interesting conversation, which reminded Ethan how much he liked his mentor, not as a doctor, but genuinely as a human being. This made him one of a few people Ethan truly liked.

Dr Ramsey was one of those people who, when they were focused - whether on the case, on the conversation or on watching an opera - dedicated their attention entirely to said activity. Which was probably the reason why the sounds coming from the stage took him by surprise. He didn’t realise that the string quartet had been replaced by a group of young people, who started playing more lively. 

No longer than 30 seconds later, someone started singing, but the voice was not coming from the stage. It was coming from behind. Suddenly, all the guests turned their heads around as one. 

The snow's coming down

I'm watching it fall

Lots of people around

Baby please come home

The angelic voice belonged to a beautiful girl in a black gown. She sat on a bar stool, side-facing everyone. Suddenly, she jumped from the seat and started walking towards the stage, each step sensual.

The church bells in town

All ringing in song

Full of happy sounds

Baby please come home

Ethan must have looked like an absolute idiot, because he sat there gaping like a fish.

They're singing "Deck The Halls"

But it's not like Christmas at all

'Cause I remember when you were here

And all the fun we had last year

Once on the stage, she owned both the stage and the crowd. Some people started dancing, others clapped to the rhythm and sang with her. When she finished and took a bow, the audience applauded her generously. 

“Good evening everyone. I’m Vicky and I’m a doctor at Edenbrook Hospital. Thank you for organising this amazing event, Naveen, and thanks for having me. And now, please meet these amazing musicians, whom I have the honour of calling my friends. Back in high school we formed a band, which we called Valentine’s Day… that was a very accurate name on many levels.” She chuckled and the crowd followed. 

“You are looking at people who never gave up on their dreams and now play in some amazing venues. I couldn’t be more proud of them. It would have been the same for me, most likely, if it wasn’t for a book, which I’m sure a lot of you ladies and gentlemen are familiar with. It’s called Diagnostics Principles. After I read it, nothing was the same. And here I am, all these years later, getting covered in blood and sweat almost every day. But today, I can at least bask in the glory of the amazing people standing here with me.”  

“I’d like to dedicate this next song to the author of the above mentioned book. He changed my life in more ways than he can realise. And although I promised him we will not exchange any Christmas presents, I haven’t spent any money on this one, so technically it doesn’t count, right?” She earned another amused reaction from the crowd.

“It’s my favourite Christmas song and I’m so honoured to be able to sing it for you.”

The subtle sounds of a piano reverberated in the room and she started singing, her voice pure and powerful.

O Holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth

Ethan couldn’t move or breathe. He just stared, completely transfixed. 

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

'Til He appears and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

To hear her singing was one thing. To feel all the things the act was doing to him, was completely different. With every sound produced by her vocal cords, a new, overwhelming sensation was born inside of him.

Fall on your knees

O hear the Angel voices

O night divine

O night when Christ was born

O night divine

O night

Oh night divine

Their eyes locked and she sent him a look so full of affection that he felt a warm tear flowing down his cheek. 

For him, it was anything but watching a performance. It was a spiritual experience. Towards the end of the song, she hit the notes so high, that he couldn’t help but look around the room. Everyone was in awe of her. And he was never prouder to call her “his”.

After the last bits of instruments resonated, the guests gave her a standing ovation. Ethan clapped his hands so hard that they hurt. He even whistled on his fingers which he hasn’t done since high school. To hell with it, he thought. 

And then he ran, knowing that in a second he will not be able to squeeze through the crowd of admirers. He scooped her in his arms and kissed her with so much passion that she felt dizzy.

“Wow, that was different.”

“What do you mean?”

“The kiss, it felt different.”

“There are so many things I want to say right now, but I can’t do it here. How much longer do we have to stay?”

“I promised the guys I will sing a couple more songs with them and then I wanted to introduce you and have a drink together. After that, we’re free to go.”

“Deal.”

——

“My feet are killing me. I don’t know how I survived in those heels, but I’m walking barefoot for the next 2 days.” 

“How fitting since I’m not going to let you out of this apartment until we have to go back to work.”

“I’m gonna go get changed in my PJ’s”

“Ah, not that soon.” Ethan said with a devilish smile and then approached her, reaching for her hand. “May I have this dance?”

“Although I’m tempted to say no to Dr Ramsey just to prove a point, I could never say no to Ethan.” She took a bow and gave him her hand.

“Lucky me. I just wanted to dance with you away from the prying eyes. For the whole evening everyone stared at you. I’m a selfish man and I was counting the minutes until I have the view all to myself.”

The sounds of Something by The Beatles started seeping from a glamorous gramophone.

“The Beatles? I didn’t take you for the type who’d listen to them.”

“Frank Sinatra christened this song the ‘greatest love song ever written.’ And who am I to argue with him?”

For a moment they swayed in silence, cheek to cheek. Then, the older doctor leaned back and looked her straight in the eye.

“So, you are not great at keeping promises, are you?” He mumbled playfully. 

“You mean the “let’s not exchange gifts” thing? I stand by what I said earlier, I haven’t spent a dime on it, so it doesn’t count.”

“It’s funny that you don’t even begin to realise how wrong you are.” He was very serious but there was a rare gentleness in his voice. “First of all, you mentioned you had a band in high school and that you sang but you never told me that you practically traded being a music star for being a doctor.” She blushed shyly at the compliment.

“Secondly, when you sang, I just couldn’t take my eyes off of you. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard and I consider myself an audiophile.”

“Coming from you, this is officially the biggest praise ever. I will have this printed and framed. You may even get an autograph if you play your cards right.”

“Shut up, I haven’t finished. You can ruin the moment later.” Ethan playfully swatted her arm. 

“With you, I am discovering parts of myself I never knew existed. And I’m strangely content with this. So, to sum up, all of the above makes me feel very guilty that I didn’t get you anything.”

“Ethan, you don’t have to give me anything. But it’s funny you said that, because you don’t even begin to realise how wrong you are.” She was proud of herself for being able to use his own words as a counterargument. 

“Actually, you gave me the biggest gift yesterday: a real part of you. I’m guessing, actually it’s more than a guess, that this is not something you shared with many people.”

“I haven’t shared this with anyone.”

“And that’s the biggest gift I could ever ask for. I want to be the person who helps you carry the cross, no matter how heavy it is.”

He pressed her even tighter against his chest and rested his chin on her head. But he felt the need to express all the other things his words couldn’t, so he gently lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers. She tasted and smelled divine. On a very basic level, she smelled like coconut and mango. 

To him, she smelled like spring, summer, autumn and winter. Like a promise of sun after the storm. Like home. Ethan finally found his home, his safe haven.

The kiss made her feel dizzy again and then she remembered.

“So, the kiss. It feels different. Why?” She looked at him so innocently it almost made him sweat. Ethan cupped her cheek as if he was holding the most precious thing in his palm… and for him, he was.

 “When you were singing for me, I made a promise. From now on, whenever I kiss you, I want to make it feel like it’s the last time, but also a promise of the million more kisses we will share. Merry Christmas, Vicky.”

“Merry Christmas, Ethan.”

***************************

If you made it this far, from the bottom of my heart - thank you & you are awesome! I wish you all the best in 2021, let’s hope it’s a better year for us all :)

Tag list: @genevievemd | @terrm9 | @starrystarrytrouble | @danijimenezv | @mercury84choices | @maurine07 | @gryffindordaughterofathena | @jamespotterthefirst | @justanotherrookie | @alwaysmychoices | @takeharryandgo | @beckaroo | @lucy-268 | @aarisa-frost | @openheartfanfics | @caseyvalentineramsey | @brooks-eden | @heauxplesslydevoted | @iemcpbchoices | @lovingramsey​ 

[marshmallowprotection]

I read your tag about what if lila was shipped with saeyoung instead and it was so cute. i want to see him dressed like a lolita too! do you have any more headcanons on how it would go? 👁️ And what if Saeran was with Minji and Judas. What would that be like? I feel like Minji and Saeran would have a fun time cooking together. But its hard to imagine how Judas and Saeran bonding looks like.

I think I’ve talked about it before, but it’s definitely been a while since I’ve had the thought on my mind. So, let’s consider the possibility here and play around with the timeline and see what would happen if we swapped around the MCs in their relationships. 

Now, I suppose would be smarter to start with Judas since he is involved with Saeyoung much earlier than Lila meets Unknown, or Ray, it just depends on the timeline. Judas, as we all know, is a former informant and would take power by gaining secrets using his body or his promises to get what he’d wanted. He was fixated on revenge and destroying his ex-boyfriend who was to become the next head of a Mafia ring.  

 He spiraled wildly out of control until he fucked up one day. He made a mistake and took down the wrong guy, and it landed a hit on his head. They saw him as a nuisance until he proved himself angry and crafty, and he knew he was rightly fucked. He made a deal with Saeyoung’s agency to trade his secrets for some kind of protection, but we all know the agency wanted his secrets and then they were going to kill him. 

Judas actually met Minji one evening and escorted her home when she walked int the wrong side of town and that was what helped Saeyoung vet Minji when she appeared in the apartment. Now, if we were to say that instead of making one mistake, he meets Rika at some point and she wants him for his powers of true coercision. She sees his anger and righteous fury and loves it. He could make a good boy who deceives others for the cult. It’s hard to trick him, but I think if he offered to help him kill his Ex, he’d take it, and she’d trick the trickster because of his weakness. 

That puts him interacting with Unknown very often. Judas loves to flirt and play around with others for fun. He, like Lila, tends to prefer fashion that is princely in nature and we all know how Unknown feels about fancy clothes and pretty folks. That’s a weakness. I imagine he and Unknown could both bond over revenge in a rather easy way. It’s possible there is tension between the two of them over a lot of power. Trust me, this is the only way that it’d work. They’re both angry and they’re both determined to destroy everyone that hurt them. 

I can see them having this love-hate relationship where they argue a lot and it turns into I-hate-you-but-I-want-to-kiss-you tension. However, they both have a lot of vulnerabilities. They both have mother issues. They both want to be seen and noticed. They both craved to be loved. It’s easy for them to use each other to cope. Unknown would give Judas hell over the small height difference that they have and assert himself and Judas would bite back. 

Now, if Unknown changed his mind at the last second with what he wanted in an assistant, and he took Minji instead... well, that just means that he’s picked Ms. Sunshine incarnate. Minji has a big heart and she knows nothing of suffering and misery. All she knows is that she wants to keep striving towards her dreams of being a baker. It’s odd with them because Minji is taller than Unknown is but he’d had a way of making her uneasy. 

She might have questioned why she was helping him break into an apartment and he got the upper hand on her by surprise. She’s a lot stronger than he is so he didn’t get the slip-on her that’d be messy. She wouldn’t know how to act with him biting and being so patronizing at first. Yet, she’d help him because she can see that she’s got no choice. She decides to get to know him and understand Mint Eye better so she can see why he is the way he is. 

I imagine Minji would be forced to spend a lot of time making sure that Unknown ate something other than liquid sugar. She’s hopeless at hacking. That’s what he would settle for. He would tell her what to do and she wouldn’t fight him but she would try to pick him apart piece by piece until Lila because she isn’t entirely in danger of being hurt. 

Let’s see, her cheery optimism that doesn’t die bothers Unknown. She would do these kind things to him and he would be so fucking lost, man. His heart would pound wildly for some reason when she ruffled his hair and did things for him with no prompting needed on his end. I imagine that he finds that the longer that he’s around Minji, the more he feels like he has a partner that he can trust. That is until Judas starts pushing in. 

Rika wants Unknown to get someone in that apartment right now. So, she pushes Judas to work with him and his new assistant to find out who would be best for this situation. Judas remembers helping Minji and flirts with her quite a bit, and Unknown warns him that she’s his. Judas is going to keep pushing his buttons and he’s going to keep pushing at Minji. It’s going to be tense and Minji is going to find herself working with these two guys, trying to protect the next person that winds up in the apartment she was meant to walk into—

And at the same time, she’s finding more and more that she’s got feelings for the two guys that she’s working with. Unknown is angry but when he has nightmares at night and needs comfort, he shows her that he’s got a heart. Judas helped her in the past and she trusts him, even if she’s lost in his hatred. Her kindness in the face of cruelty is to be admired. 

 I imagine this relationship is one where all parties have feelings for each other but are pretty torn and confused about how to bring the pieces together. In the end, if they’re able to be saved from Mint Eye, I can imagine that SE Saeran will have the most fun just devoting his time in the kitchen helping Minji and being her assistant, hilariously. She just makes him feel safe and warm. Who wouldn’t feel safe when their tall girlfriend scoops them up and dotes on them? Now, it would be harder with Judas. 

I know that they’re going to have sassy banter and they’re going to be snarky, even catty. Their relationship is one where both parties keep pushing the other to their limits, and then they wind up kissing. It just works for some reason that I can’t explain. Judas can be very... high-maintenance but that doesn’t mean that Saeran can’t bite back. 

Can you imagine their cuddle pile? Minji is in the middle and both of the guys are curled up next to her and it’s kinda cute, wtf. 

Now on the flip side, let’s talk about what would be going on with Lila. We all know that Lila more or less left home after she had a big blow-up with her sister, who misunderstood just how much their mother was bullying Lila after she had moved away. It was a big spat. She left because she needed to... not be near the family anymore. She’s hurt and upset but she just wants to be as far as she can get from home. So, this is the first place her hand landed on the map and she went with it. 

She’s insecure, and the only time that she feels like she can be herself is when she’s in Coordinate. If she’s not wearing a cute dress, then she’s looking at the ground and clutching onto the ends of her sleeves. She’s quiet, but she will say things if she has to. She’s also a painter that gets lost in her thoughts, I would call her paintings a blend of Rococo style and Impressionism if that makes any sense. The objects on the canvas feel Rococo but the style itself on the board is Impressionist. 

Let’s say that she wasn’t the object of Ray or Unknown’s infatuation in this AU of yours. I think that Judas would pick her from the crowd and Minji would have given the idea to go and pick someone quiet and easy to manipulate, even if she didn’t say it like that, she gave him the idea. Judas takes it upon himself to bug her phone by tricking her and saves Unknown and Minji the trouble of getting her to open some phishing email. 

She winds up in the apartment, just as confused as everyone else is and she realizes that she got tricked. She just wanted to help someone because she’s a selfless type. She’s lucky if she doesn’t have a panic attack from that happening, but that aside, I think Seven would realize really fast that she’s just a girl who’s from overseas who got tricked because she didn’t think things through. Her use of Korean is a little messy, too, which sort of helped the fact that it was easy to trick her. 

You can Seven felt drawn to her the minute that he started looking into her past and her social media. After all, how can he not find a girl that spends her free time sewing and crafting outfits delightful? He can see that she’s hiding behind a mask just as he is from the start. She’s rather polite to him but he knows that it’s lovely to hear her laugh. She always humors his jokes and pranks for some reason that he can’t understand but it isn’t long before Lila sounds a bit sad whenever she talks to him late at night. 

He means to say, how can she be so polite and straightforward on the chat, and yet, he’s got her laughing so hard she’s crying on the phone? 

He probably won't get the answer until he’s locked in that apartment with her and there’s nowhere for him to go but the corner. Lila clearly is barely holding herself together but she’s biting her tongue and her fears to make sure that Seven feels like she doesn’t blame him because she doesn’t. She’s kind of blaming Rika for asking for a fucking bomb. Who asks for a fucking bomb? 

It isn’t until Lila breaks down in front of him and admits why she feels so happy and at peace with Saeyoung, and it’s because his jokester mask reminds her of her big sister. Her sister is always smiling and laughing, but there’s a pain in her heart that she’s hiding. Whenever Lila talks to Seven now, she thinks about how much she misses her sister but at the same time, she thinks about how much pain Seven must be in. She saw him hear that everyone had lied to him and he had been hiding so much for the sake of everyone around him. 

She’s able to confront him about lying about who he is. She tells him that he can’t hide behind a mask. That won’t make anyone happy, and it won’t make him happy. It’s what she failed to say in the past, and now she finally has the power to confront this problem head-on. She cares about Seven because he makes her laugh and forget about everything, but she also cares about those moments they have had where he whispers his fears to her and she listens to him say it all in the dead of night. 

Seven has to admit that she’s right. He’s not happy, but he wants to be happy and nobody has ever told him that he has the right to fight for his happiness if he wants it. He tried to break her by saying that she’s hiding behind her own mask of some polite princess, and Seven pushes her outside of her bubble and all of a sudden, she’s been tested. She finds herself standing taller and looking people in the eyes, without fear anymore. 

They push each other to bring out the good inside of themselves that they’ve been hiding because they were too scared to be themselves. 

I can see Saeyoung and Lila as this couple that tests each other. He pushes her buttons and makes her believe in herself. She pushes him to be himself, and not once fear that. They’re supportive. Saeyoung gets to explore his gender identity more with Lila and boy, does he not mind being called she/her, or they/them, he isn’t picky, but there’s something about being able to dress up and be doted on in this fashion that makes Saeyoung feel good. 

I HC him as NB/GenderFluid, have to throw that in there. I just want Lila to playfully call Saeyoung her girlfriend when they’re dressed up together and that redhead to turn into a mushy mess. I think there’s potential with the two of them to get along really well, I just never think of them in a romantic way because I’d fear that people would assume that Lila is projecting onto Saeyoung kind of like Yoosung does with RIka. 

Oh, boy. I said too damn much. 

[lxvesickreality]

mistakes 1/4

Request: Hi this is very long but i need to get this off my chest can i request for a Stevexreader where they are married but  its falling apart with Steve forgetting their anniversary, reader cooks dinner but he comes home late and he gets pissed at her until one time she discovers he’s cheating and she forgives him but she isn’t the same anymore. What’s worse is that she gets fatally injured and hydra kidnaps her. You can decide whether it ends in fluff or angst.THANK YOU SO MUCH

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, talk of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy, terrible writing

Word Count: 2,061

Add on: My computer has completely took a shit so I have been writing everything on my phone which has been really hard. I’ve had a lot of family issues but hopefully I can get to writing some more. 

Add on number two: This is a little different than what requested, just a little. Part two is already in the works. 

gif is NOT mine, credits to owners

Steve Roger's married Y/N L/N out of love and being only 2 years ago when he did, he still loves her with every fiber of his heart and soul, hur he did something he knew would break her entirely. Steve didn't want that-his actions and words said otherwise though. The first time he did it was an honest mistake; he was reeling from the argument he had with Y/N and it was a really bad one so he went to let off some steam at the gym with a tall bottle of cheap whiskey to take the edge off. She came at the wrong time, she took advantage of his vulnerability and his drunken state. That was his strategy, to blame everything on her; she did initiate the first kiss between them. His brain was foggy and his vision was blurry from the amount of alcohol he'd previously consumed. Their actions did not go far before Steve was already pushing her away. He had realized what he had done and how it wasn't right. All he did was get a little carried away.

The second time was in fact her fault. Desperate for his affection that should be directed towards his wife, Sharon had climbed on his lap with lips puckered and had her bosom popping out from her tight fitting tank top, the one usually wore on missions to seduce targets, she purposely wore to seduce Steve instead. Y/N had gone to the bathroom when Sharon did this to Steve and it made him uncomfortable to ever be alone with her but since the first incident, he felt extremely guilty even looking at her so he tried to keep his distance.

The third time it happened, Steve refused to admit it was his fault but he showed up on Sharon’s doorstep demanding to be with her. Something was off with Y/N and he believed his wife was seeing someone behind his back. He decided not to confront her and to get back at her instead. Some might say he was looking for an excuse to be with Sharon. She was more than welcome to lead Steve into her room where he touched every part of the woman’s body with his fingers, palms of his hands, his lips, his tongue and the part he shouldn’t have ever let happen; his member that was happy to get attention from someone new. He was guilty, he has been all along.

He stuck with his strategy through the next few months. Y/N became distant and cold to Steve leaving him alone and confused as to why she was doing this. He knew for sure she has no idea he had cheated and he planned to keep it that way because even if she did cheat, he still couldn’t tell her he did it too so he started staying late at work after he had enough of not feeling wanted at the place he called home and the guilt was following him everywhere he went. Of course this did not go unnoticed by Y/N, she took note of every time he did it and her heart slowly went piece by piece the more he did. Their anniversary of their marriage was around the corner and Y/N knew she had to tell him at some point as to why she was so distant and cold. He deserved to know. She cooked him his favorite meal and that’s when it turned to hell.

Y/N messaged Steve around 4:15pm to let him know she was making dinner and not be home late so she wouldn’t have to put it in the microwave for it to grow cold with time. She didn’t get a response back but at 4:55pm, she began preparing the meal slowly to give him some time to reply. Not too long after, she finished and she set everything out; candles surrounding the table; wine poured into two glasses; his favorite meal set on a plate; the card reading “Happy Anniversary!”; and the reason why she was cold and distant inside the card. Y/N sat there for many hours, awaiting for her husband’s arrival and it was very late by the time he entered their home.

“Where were you?” Y/N questioned when he strolled into the open concept involving the kitchen and dining room. Steve jumped back, startled by the voice of his wife. He would’ve thought she went to bed.

“I had some work to catch up on,” was all he replied with.

His wife rolled her eyes at the response and scoffed, “Sure, and I wrote an entire book on why pigs can fly. Cut the shit, Steve. You’ve been coming home late the past few weeks. You have not had that much work to do,”

“I have and quite frankly, it’s none of your business.”

“Are you serious? I’m your wife, Steve.” said Y/N. Steve took the now room temperature wine off the table and downed it. “There is no way you were at work catching up on stuff when you haven’t had a mission since the one a month ago and no one is targeting the world right now. Cut the shit, Steve! What is going on?”

“I cheated on you, Y/N! I cheated and I feel guilty but you know what, you did it first! So, none of it really was my fault at all.” there was nothing Steve could've done to take back what he said because Y/N's heart and soul broke just like he said it would. It hurt like hell to see the look on her face when he realized he'd used that as an excuse to see Sharon. At first, before he did it, he wanted to ask Y/N to see if it was true. Deep down, he didn't think she could do it. Y/N didn't have the heart to do so.

Y/N stuttered, taken aback by the turn of events, "Y-you what?" tears pricked her e/c eyes as it slowly dawned on her, her husband had been unfaithful to her and all she ever did was love him. Was she that distant and cold to turn him away? Did she do this? Did she drive him away? The first thought wasn't why he did it, she instantly turned to herself and blamed herself. It was her who did caused it. "I-I never cheated on you, Steve."

"Why have you been so distant? You barely would look at me. You slept clear on the other side of the bed. Every time you got dressed, you'd go into the bathroom. I'm married to you, Y/N! I've seen your body thousands of times. We're in love and you can't even look me in the eyes? What the hell, Y/N,"

"I hadn't been feeling well and I was concerned. I hid it from you because I didn't want you to be concerned yourself so I started to distance myself. I got worse and I went to the doctor. He said I was pregnant and it wasn't normal. It was an Ectopic pregnancy in which the fetus is in the wrong place, one it shouldn't be in. You had to leave for a few days because of the one mission from a month ago so I was going to have it taken care of but I fainted at work and they rushed me to the emergency room. They had to cut out a fallopian tube, Steve. I had surgery and I distanced myself to heal." Y/N stopped talking when she noticed the look on Steve's face. She could tell the guilt caught up to him and it made her feel a little better, but not enough. She gave him a few moments to process the information she gave him.

Steve was astounded. He didn't expect this answer to come from his wife, his wife that should've talked to him about this instead of holding it in. But he never gave her chance because he set about to stay at work late. He couldn't pin point which emotion he was feeling the worst but guilt was a pretty big one along with despair. Could she have any more kids? He doubted she'd want to after he told her about his adultery.

"Can you have any more kids? Can-can we?"

"The doctor said it'd be really hard to conceive but I could try. I still have one fallopian tube left." Y/N answered.

"At least you can accomplish your dream of being a mom,"

It became silent afterwards, a deafening silence that had so many emotions in it but it didn't feel awkward. It felt like a processing silence in a way. Y/N was still letting it sink in about her husband cheating on her. Was she that distant to the point where he shifted towards someone else. Wait, who was it, she thought.

"Who'd you cheat on me with?"

Steve's head snapped up after looking down during the silence and he winced from the stiffness in his neck. His heart raced, "Sharon,"

"Sharon Carter? Seriously, Steve? You still love Peggy, don't you? God, I'll never live up to her. Ever! It's always going to be her. Pretty perfect miss Carter. Now, it's Sharon. I'm nowhere near being those girls. I'm the polar opposite. Shit, I'm really not good enough for you. How did I not see this?" as Y/N rambled on about how she wasn't good enough, Steve was tearing up at the cracks in her voice indicating she was crying as well. He broke her just like he knew he would. He made her think she wasn't enough, he did this and she didn't.

He shouldn’t have told her who it was with and if he was being honest, he didn’t think of Peggy at all. It was an honest surprise because he pined over her for so long, Peggy was his true love to him or that was until he met Y/N L/N. She was so much more magnificent than Peggy, she was beautiful and smart. She knew what she wanted at all times; she was brave; she was so generous and selfless. Y/N put everyone and everything above her and Steve took all of that for granted. His wife didn’t deserve any of this, he was putting a lot of pain on her and add ten more pounds to her shoulders because of him being unloyal. Steve’s stomach was tightening and it felt like he had been punched in the gut, he felt as if he needed to throw up. It was guilt.

Only a few months ago did they purchase this house, they redid the whole house in the way they wanted it to make it feel like home. They talked about having kids, specifically three kids; two boys, one girl. It was perfect because Steve could name one boy after his best friend and Y/N could name the girl after her mother that passed four years ago. Steve and Y/N planned their future together up until death do they part but now he ruined that all with just one petty woman.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry," Steve apologized.

There was a fire in his wife's eyes suddenly and she yelled, something she rarely does, "You're sorry? You're freaking sorry? Is that all you fucking got, Steve? No 'I didn't know what I was thinking' or 'it was a mistake'? All you have to say is I'm fucking sorry! I-I need you to get the hell out, Steve. Now, please,"

His heart was breaking in a million pieces, heartbreak being something he hadn't felt since Peggy passed away, but this was different. This was strong, intense heartbreak that made his chest clench and he thought his heart stopped beating for a moment. Everything seemed to stop in place after she said that because everything went silent. There were no more tears falling from her e/c eyes, the ones that now look dull and sad, she was just staring at the wall behind him. Neither wanted to make the first move, but he knew he should leave so with a heavy heart, he began to walk towards the front door of their now torn home leaving his wife.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing  /  you were so scared  /  but no one would listen,  ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

[kryptored]

A billet-doux to unhappiness - 1

So I don’t know what happened, and this never happened before whenever I posted something using my laptop and then editing or adding something using my phone. But obviously, it removed THE ENTIRE TEXT except for the title and tags. And so, I'm doing this again:

@lady-charinette and @mlangstmonth, on a scale of a hamster’s punch to the moon’s crash landing, how hard did I hit you with this fic? Also tagging @lenoreofraven and @xxxsaltybugxxx because we wouldn’t have ML ANGST MONTH 2019 without their contributions. Never editing something on my phone that I posted with my laptop ever again.

Prompt days: 1 (numb), 2 (self-destruct), 5 (envy), 8 (isolation), 10 (pretend), 14 (choice), 16 (sacrifice), 17 (expectations), 20 (torture), 25 (marks), and 28 (lies).

She didn’t know when it had started, but everyday just seemed like she was always numb to the bones. At first, it felt real: she could feel that she really belonged with them. But as time went by, the affection and attention slowly diminished into nothing but weak appreciation. And what really hurt her the most was that they kept lying to her. They obviously couldn’t lie to themselves because they trusted each other. But they didn’t trust her with anything, not even with their hearts. She was expecting that as a part of their relationship, she would feel loved and special. And yet, she felt lacking and undeserving compared to Adrien and Luka.

Compared to Adrien, she couldn’t light up a room with just a small smile. She couldn’t show others that her eyes were as precious as the rarest stones. She felt that her voice was not made of honey and could whisper all the perfect sweet nothings.

Compared to Luka, she couldn’t soothe a lingering pain with just a hint of a smile. Her eyes were not as piercing and soul-wrenching as his. His voice was like a perfectly harmonized orchestra to everyone’s ears.

Yet here she was, pretending that she was someone who could be likened to these 2 perfect people who were obviously meant for each other. But not for her. She could pretend that all was fine, that she belonged with them. But she was nothing to them and didn’t deserve them.

She kept thinking that them including her in a relationship was nothing but out of pity. They only ever approached and thought of her, because no one would. They may not outright tell her, but she knew what isolation felt like. She was no one special, but they were.

        Sometimes she felt like a ghost watching the two, playing house in their own beautiful world of rapturous romance. Oh, how she envied them so. She could see how they both smiled at each other like they were their worlds (and they are). She could see how their eyes went wide in excitement at the thought and sight of each other. She could tell from the sounds of their voices how they changed into something more lilty. She really deluded herself into thinking that all of that could be applied to her.

        She knew the moment their smiles didn’t reach their eyes. How their voices always carried a dispassionate and distracted tone; she was nowhere near important to pay attention to. It was as if they were trying to keep to themselves, and only themselves, excluding her from any progress in the tales of romance. She knew the moment their affections for her started to fade, and she couldn’t blame them. Who was she to intrude on their blissful relationship? She was nothing but a prickly thorn in their garden of roses. For all she knew, they never really cared for her in the first place.

        She felt as if she had no other choice. She sat at the foot of the bed, staring into space while her mind went wild with self-destructive thoughts. Adrien and Luka were out on a date, and she didn’t push the pair too much when she saw them subtly flinch at her request to keep them company. She knew she would only ruin the moment. That, or she would end up crying and dying inside again as she watched their backs.

There she was, contemplating what to do.

Would she stay? Or would she leave?

It only took her a few moments to decide that it was time for her to do the right thing. To be selfless for once and not drag other people into her internal misery.

And so, she left.

She packed all of her essentials and other effects and left. The process was easy enough. She had been slowly moving her things from Adrien and Luka’s bedroom long before she made her choice, and they were none the wiser. It was still quite hard on her to think about, since they mostly preferred to stay together in bed. Without her. they’d tell excuses of being too tired, too cramped, or “I think he needs me more right now.” It was okay, though. She understood. She knew when she wasn’t needed, and now she was finally going to do them a favour.

She left with all her belongings and didn’t wait for them. She wrote a short note with a presumption that it would probably even take them a long time to notice the note, let alone her absence. After all, they’d gotten used to forgetting about her.

I trust that you’ll only be happy with each other. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.

In the dark, a faint glow pulsed weakly.

[abaddons-right-hand-queen]

Strings

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader (gender neutral)

Warnings: spoilers of/before season 8

This was one of the best times of the year. You loved the holiday spirit (because not everybody celebrates Christmas, Karen) and the decorations. It was amazing how even a divided world could come together and celebrate its own traditions and partake in customs.

You had been hunting with the Winchesters for years. At first, it was just helping out on a few missions whenever they needed back-up, but then the apocalypse came, and they needed more than only themselves.

For three years, you pined over Sam Winchester. It was damn near impossible not to. He had a certain charm about him, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Perhaps it was the selflessness, or maybe it was the compassion and empathy. Or, maybe it was his warmth toward everybody. Regardless, you fell for him silently.

Dean had always told you that he was into you as well. He just had a hard time accepting it because everybody else in his life had died.

You, somehow, never died. It was hell watching Sam, Dean, and Cas die time and time again, not knowing if they’d come back. It was horrible seeing Sam without a soul, Dean with the Mark, and Cas being possessed by Lucifer.

But, in the fourth year, you finally broke the silence. It was rushed and seemingly out of nowhere, but it was worth it. It was Christmas of 2009, and everybody was drinking (it was debatable if it was for the occasion or to forget the world’s problems). Cas had left, Dean had gone to bed, but you and Sam stayed in the map room.

The music was loud, and Sam was drunkenly dancing around, and it hit you all at once. The emotions were louder than the song, so much so that it seemed to deafen the noise around you. You were captivated by Sam’s smile and the way he satirically serenaded you, and your heart was beating harshly inside your chest. “Sam, I love you,” You had blurted. He slowed to a stop, took a second to comprehend what you said, and then he pulled you into him for a kiss.

Now, it was Christmas of 2013. You and Sam had been together for four years, but the relationship still held that same spark. Sure, the butterflies may have gone away, and you had both said those three little words more times than you could count, but those feelings were replaced by warmth. It wasn’t nerves that you felt around him; instead, it was safety.

“Did you get the beer?” Dean’s voice called, snapping you from your thoughts. You looked up from the kitchen counter and saw Sam coming down the stairs with a few bags.

“I never forget it,” Sam smiles. You put down the oven mitt and meet him halfway down the stairs, helping him with some of the bags.

“Is this all the bags?” You asked. He hums a yes and presses a chaste kiss to your lips before you both head back into the kitchen. “Dean, get out of the filling!” You scolded. Dean looks up at you with a cheeky smile as he pops a finger in his mouth, licking it clean from pie filling. You swat him away and place the bags on the counter.

You enjoyed the domestic feeling that Christmas in the bunker brought. This was the first Christmas that you had a place to call home, and you made damn sure to take advantage of that. Therefore, you already had dinner made, and you were working on dessert right now. Sam had gotten liquor and eggnog for everybody. Cas was gonna be here any minute, and you made food for him, too (since he lost his grace a few months back).

It was gonna be perfect.

Sam helped you set the table while Dean fetched Cas. The four of you sat down and ate an amazing meal, and then you exchanged your gifts. You had made a deal a few years back to just get small ornaments or keychains for each other, and you stuck to that.

For Dean, you had engraved a bullet casing for him. For Cas, you got him a baby angel ornament with some cheesy saying along the lines of “our angel isn’t in heaven”, and then crossed out the word angel and put “human” over it (Cas had appreciated the joke). For Sam, you put a vampire tooth on a chain. It was from a hunt earlier in the year; you saved him and never let it go.

Dean and Cas got you normal-ish ornaments that held a memory from this year, but Sam’s was a little different. It was a string on a hook. He said that he’d explain it later, but for now, it was just that--a string.

You guys continued the night’s celebrations by having dessert and drinking the night away. Nothing warmed your heart more than seeing these men, who were normally had so much bullshit on their plate that they were constantly preoccupied with saving the world, smiling and laughing. They were letting everything go, if only for tonight.

There was a point where the music got slower, and the four of you settled down a little bit. You were surrounding the table, which now only held your drinks and a speaker. Dean and Cas were seated in two of the chairs, you were on the table itself, and Sam was making a drink. When he came out, he set the glasses down and then held the string from earlier.

There was something about the way Sam was looking at you. You knew that look--it was full of love and it said “I would do anything for you”. At first, you thought that it was just the liquor hitting him, but then he started talking.

“I have hated almost everything on this planet at some point or another,” He started. “But never you. Even when I was soulless, even when everything was falling apart, I had you.”

“Sam, where are you going with this?” You asked cautiously. He wasn’t sober right now--not entirely drunk, either, but definitely inebriated.

He gives a soft laugh before continuing. “You’ve been there for me through everything, even when it would’ve been safer for you to leave. What I’m trying to get at, I guess, is that we don’t know how much longer we’ll be around. And I really want you to be here, with me, until we don’t have any more tomorrows.” He looks down at the string, sets it beside you on the table, and then pulls a ring out of his pocket. Getting down on one knee, he looks up at you with the most hopeful eyes you had ever seen. “I know that legally we can’t get married since I’m on the FBI’s most wanted list, and we don’t have the money for an actual wedding, but will you marry me?”

“Sam, are you serious right now?” You asked, a large smile on your face. You took a quick glance to the three men in the room, seeing their equally big smiles. You look back at this man in front of you, on one knee, holding a ring up to you and asking for your hand. Words aren’t coming to you right now, so you just nod your head and wait for him to stand up so that you could hug him. You hold each other tightly, enveloping yourself in everything Sam has to offer. After he pulls away, he puts the ring on your finger and kisses your hand, and you have to stifle back tears of happiness.

Sam then grabs the string and forms a loose knot with it, holding one end out for you to take. You do, and together you pull it tight. The string made sense now. He wanted to tie the knot with you.

Dean and Cas are cheering you both on, which makes you laugh. “Alright, get over here,” Dean said, waving you to where he was. “I gotta get a dance with my new favorite sibling,” He smiles.

You and Dean share a dance while Sam and Cas talked on the opposite side of the room.

“He’s been wanting to ask you for months,” Dean mentioned. “He was just waiting for the perfect moment.”

“I love you guys so much,” You smiled. After the song was over, you did the same thing with Cas.

“I’m happy for you guys,” Cas smiled.

“I want you to walk me down whatever make-shift aisle we have,” You tell him. “I know you aren’t exactly a father to me, but you’re my best friend.” It was true. It wasn’t like you had any family to witness it or walk you down the aisle. It was just you, Dean, Sam, and Cas. And that was all you needed. The most important people were there to celebrate with you.

Finally, after your dance with Castiel was over, it was Sam’s turn.

“Thank you,” He muttered, leaning his forehead against yours.

“I love you,” You responded, leaning into his touch.

“I love you, too,” He smiled, gently kissing you.

Sam was absolutely right when he said that tomorrow is never promised. You fought monsters for a living; there was no telling when one of them would win. But, as long as there was a tomorrow, you would spend it by Sam’s side.

[skvaderarts]

Epilogue:

You can check out the Masterlist Here for more links to places to read!

Epilogue:

Note: All notes will be at the end of this chapter besides this note because that’s just how I feel today. Thank you all for tolerating my eccentricities and for reading this story. The end notes will be very important though, so please read them. You guys are the best!

-~-

The next morning around 7 am…

The storm’s intensity had seemingly faded during the night. Though rain still fell in an unending torrent, the barbaric winds that had once rattled the windows of the streets of Fortuna had subsided and the lightning had ceiced. While thunder was still an occasional occurrence, it was much less disruptive and nowhere near as powerful as it had once been. The roads remained flooded for the time being, but people could once again be seen taking to the streets to perform basic tasks such as shopping and maintenance. All in all, things were starting to look up slightly, the metaphorical and literal dark cloud that had been lowered over the region finally letting up a little.

V was awakened by the unfamiliar sensation of sunlight making contact with his body. When they had returned home the night before, he had been utterly exhausted and remembering to close the curtains had been very low on his list of priorities. A low rumbling purr pulled at the edges of his consciousness, inviting him to fully regain his senses. The young summoner turned his head away from the sunlight slightly, fully aware that Shadow was taking a snooze on the floor beside him. 

He sat up and stretched his arms over his head, cursing himself silently as a dull throb crawled through his lower abdomen. He hadn’t been awake enough at that moment in time to remember his injuries from the night before. V winced slightly and clambered to his feet, keying into the sound of several voices coming from the other side of the door. Things had been relatively quiet a moment ago. What had changed that so suddenly? V carefully tiptoed over Shadow, not wanting to awaken his feline companion. She and Griffon both deserved their rest. They had done admirably the night before. He glanced down at arms, noting that Griffon had chosen to stay in his tattoo form for now. That was probably a plus for V, considering his beloved bird’s mouthy nature.

Upon opening the door, he was greeted with the sight of none other than Magnolia. The middle aged woman was leaned against the doorway, engaged in a conversation with Kyrie that he had only caught the end of. The young brunette looked thrilled and worried to see her new companion all at once.

“It’s wonderful to see you, Magnolia but… shouldn’t you be…” Kyrie didn’t seem to know the polite way to ask her about her medical status. She had been horrified to find out that the kindly Alchemist she had just met had ended up in the emergency room an hour or so afterwards.

Magnolia patted her on the shoulder gently, clearly happy to see her, but also quite worn out. Much to her dismay, she wasn’t as young as she once was. “Oh, don’t trouble yourself, dear,” She said with a kind smile,” I won’t be here long. I’m off to the docks. If I’m going to have to languish away in a bed for a couple of days, it’s going to be in my own flat, yea?”

Kyrie nodded, seemingly still concerned but aware that there was nothing she could do about this. The young woman had come to the conclusion that Nero’s friends were all slightly insane and it was best to let them do as they pleased in most cases. Magnolia turned her attention to V, noticing for the first time that he was standing there. She gave him a mischievous smirk, clearly as glad to see that he was alright as he was to see her. He had no idea where to begin trying to thank her for her selfless actions the night before. In saving his life, she had nearly lost hers, and they didn’t even know one another.

“... I’d like to thank you for saving me last night… I-”

The alchemist held up her hand, gently shushing him with a waive of her finger and a shake of her head. “Hush now, Love. This isn’t my first fight. I didn’t go through the trouble of bringing you back from Purgatorio just to let a Faust send you right back,” She reached into her pocket, pulling a small piece of cardstock paper from within and handing it to him,” Once we all get settled in, give me a call. I’d like to see if I can help you. I hear you're a summoner. Perhaps I can show you a trick or two.”

V nodded, looking the small piece of paper over. He would consider her offer. After all, he was in her debt. She’d saved his life. It was a small favor to ask, and it could prove to be beneficial down the road. After a moment he nodded quietly, moreso to himself than to her but she got the message regardless.

Before they could finish their conversation, Vergil and Dante rounded the corner from the living room, seemingly embroiled in some other topic of conversation. Nero shadowed them, though he seemed to be uninvolved in whstervet they were talking about. Upon seeing Magnolia, Vergil craned his neck to the side, clearly inquiring in silence as to what the hell she was doing out of the hospital. “I see they were unable to keep you.”

Magnolia schoffed, folding her arms gently around her torso so as to not aggravate her wounds. “If I didn’t know better, Vergil Sparda, I’d say you were worried about me,” The smug smile on her face spoke volumes,” Is that why you're still in town?”

Vergil blanched, horrified by the statement. “Absolutely not. In fact, I was just leaving.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” She said with a small giggle,” Now that I’m here.”

The subtle yet totally flabbergasted look on Vergil’s face was enough to nearly send Dante into a laughing fit. It wasn’t every day that he found someone so adept to getting under his twin brother’s skin. The youngest Son of Sparda clapped his brother on the shoulder, gesturing towards her. “You’ve gotta tell me how you two met sometime. There has to be some history between you two.”

Magnolia smirked, waving goodbye to the group as she turned and carefully headed down the stairs. “You're quite right, Dante. Since we're all going in the same direction, we might as well travel together. I can regale you with tales from your brother’s youth on the way.”

No one present could tell if the face Vergil made at the prospect was anguish, anger, or pure unadulterated terror, but he followed her out of the door, more than likely eager to ask her to reconsider. Dante followed her as well, more than curious as to what dirt she had on his frigid twin. Nero joined V at his side, shaking his head as they all hurried out of the door. 

“Yea, next time we run into each other, you’ve gotta fill me on on some of that, too,” Nero said, not even trying to hide his amusement at the concept of being able to relentlessly torment his father with all of his embarrassing secret,” I bet it’s pretty funny.”

Both Nero and V could practically feel their father screaming on the inside as the front door closed. V smirked, suppressing a snicker. Yes, it looked like he did need to pay her a visit. Anyone that good at driving their father insane was worth his time. He turned to Nero, feeling the need to say something but not entirely sure what. Nero seemed to share that sensation, contributing to the awkward silence that settled over them. Thankfully Kyrie, who had gone into the kitchen during all of this to give them space, seemed to feel their discomfort and called to them from the next room, informing them that breakfast would be ready in a few minutes. Nero thanked her and headed towards the stairs, seemingly planning to wake the children.

“... Wait…” V called after him, now more sure of what he wanted to say. A lot had happened between them in the last few days.”... Thank you… for everything…”

Nero stopped and gave him a surprised look before scratching the back of his neck, unsure of how to take the comment. On the rare occasion that V tried to open up to him, he was never sure what to say. Every genuine moment between them seemed to come without notice, but he didn’t really loathe that. In fact, it almost made him happy. Maybe.

“... You too, I guess,” Nero said quietly, glancing towards the stairs,”... I’m gonna go wake up the kids. See you at breakfast?”

V nodded in agreement. They shared a moment of silence (one that was significantly less uncomfortable than the last) and then Nero made good on his word, heading upstairs to go wake up the boys. V turned and went back into his room, opting to take a moment to reflect. Upon entering the room and closing the door, he decided that it would be best to change his clothes before heading to breakfast. Upon sitting down on the bed and pulling the comfortably loose shirt over his head, it occurred to him that what he had just done should have hurt considerably more than it had. He placed the shirt down on the bed and turned his attention to the bandage that covered the laceration he’d received from the Cutlass the night before, carefully peeling it back to check on the injury.

And to his utter disbelief, he was met with nothing more than a bloody bandage. There was no wound to speak of, only the slight soreness that it had left in its wake. V traced the spot where the wound had been, unsure of how to take this sudden revelation. He had never recovered from an injury that quickly in his entire life. What was going on? Had his recent resurrection awakened something within him? Was this some sort of biological fluke? Whatever it was, he was grateful for it for the time being. V wasn’t the type to look a gift horse in the mouth.

As he grabbed a spare shirt and laid it down on the bed, he decided to take a quick shower. So many things had happened to him in the last three days. So many things were still left unanswered. And as soon as he felt up to it, he was going to pay Magnolia a visit. Perhaps she and his father could help him locate the answers he so longed for. But all of that would have to come at a later date. For now, he was going to take a hot shower and relax. And then he was going to fight his young nephews for the waffles he could smell from the kitchen. They had lost already, they just didn’t know it yet.

-~-

I finally did it. I finished a fic. For once, my ADD didn’t get the better of me. I don’t think I quite believe it yet. Wow. And on my mother’s birthday, too! Thank you so dang much for reading this entire story. You're the reason I kept writing it. Part two is coming shortly! I just have to work out the plot. If you’d like to help me out with that, you can go to the link I’ve left below and answer a couple of quick questions. It will take less than five minutes, and it would be very helpful since I’ll be using the feedback to shape some of the events of the next book. But regardless, thank you again for taking the time out of your life for two months to humor me and my writing. I look forward to seeing you all again on Friday July 17th, 2020 for the start of the second book, Apocrypha. And again, you're all amazing. I couldn’t have done this without your support. If you haven’t already, check out my Tumblr (Skvader’s Epos) since I update there very often. Now time to buy a new chromebook and get to work on part two! But first, a little DMC5 and Animal Crossing.

If you’d like to help me out with the next book, go to this link. I’m not collecting any personal info or anything like that, I just want to pitch some nonsense ideas and get a feel for what you’d like to have answered in the next book. It will only take like five minutes, and it would be massively helpful. Thank you all again for your time. You're incredible.

Link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1dUCZ-SoJTw8NRxVz0-eM3vMcOu9bAGsVxGEgw8nDrYU/edit?usp=drivesdk

This fic is dedicated to:

BeansWithBones, Random Reader, Nothing Special, SkylarMorgan1899, Rarbox, HunterJamie, RubixaSeraph, Aureux, Likethecatiam, That_Random_Kid, He Who Wanders, Mallovarwen, Nephilim-Girl and everyone else on Ao3, FF.N, Tumblr, and Wattpad who read this fic all the way through to completion and left kudos. You're astounding! Sorry if I forgot to name anyone. I was going off of comments!

Part two “Apocrypha” starts on July 17th, 2020!

[therachelperspective]

TV + MOVIE | Looking (2014-2015) + Looking (TV Movie, 2016)

I am categorizing this under the same denomination as Firefly in that they were both seemingly good shows with potential, cancelled after 1 to 2 seasons because of low ratings. Show of hands who else calls that system bullshit 🤚

THE SHOW

Admittedly, Looking is nowhere near the same caliber as its predecessors (read: The L Word and Queer as Folk), but had it been given a chance, I think could have become something good. I was invested in these characters enough to be bummed when I realized I had finished the first season. Then again, that happens with short episodes and short seasons; it all goes by too quickly. As soon as you start to get into it, it’s over.

I didn’t think it was super groundbreaking setting this show in San Francisco (it really makes total sense given the LGBTQ community the city has), and most of the time, the pace of the narrative seems fairly sluggish. But slow isn’t always bad; it was refreshing not having a scandal every second in a television show. And just because it lacked that type of intense drama doesn’t deem it bad or not worth watching.

What I found most disappointing was that, in its two seasons, I didn’t feel that Patrick had nearly as much character development as Dom or Agustin. While I was invested enough in his story to care whether he ended up with Richie or Kevin (I’m still undecided about who I’m rooting for), overall as a character Patrick’s personality remained entirely the same through most of the series. The few moments in season two where he stood up for himself to Kevin were somewhat redeeming, but a lot of his character was stagnant. Dom showed some ambition and pursued his restaurant, and Agustín became a much more selfless person as he started working for a youth shelter… But Patrick only ever really sought relationships and whined to his friends when things weren’t working out for him and/or were not the way he imagined. I recall a moment during the series when he was ranting about what he wanted in a relationship, but not once did I ever hear him talk about those things to the people he was dating before actually dating them. It was honestly no surprise when things didn’t work out. I will say, as a habitual television viewer, that it was, however, more intriguing to see the reserved lead character be such a main focus of the show, rather than the more sexually driven character placed at the forefront – like QAF’s Brian Kinney or The L Word’s Shane.

When I reached the end of season two, I was glad knowing there was a 90-minute TV movie to really give it some closure. I mean, they could have let the show just end as is, letting everyone use their imaginations as to how the show ended up, and it would have worked just as well, but adding a longer finale episode (a TV “movie”) will most likely give it a more to a true close. Just another reason why cancelling shows so quickly makes no sense to me. In the case of both Firefly and Looking, BOTH of them came back for a final movie to wrap up everything that needed wrapping. Why not just let the series continue a little longer, and let it conclude in a more natural way than trying to force concluding answers to lingering questions into a couple of hours? 


A few other notes: I loooooved seeing Daniel Franzese – Damien from Mean Girls – as a supporting character (he was such a beautiful bear), and honestly he was one of my favorites in the show. But Scott Bakula could have been skipped. I would like to talk to the casting director about why they believed Scott Bakula was the best choice for the role of Lynn. Doris and Dom’s friendship is the best, and the history between Dom and Patrick is one I don’t think I’ve seen before, which I liked. I’m just always jealous of TV show friendships and how close they are to one another.

THE MOVIE

The finale begins with a nine month flash forward; Patrick had since moved back to Colorado to “work things out,” and was returning to San Francisco for **SPOILER** Agustín and Eddie’s wedding! All of the cast has returned – which is a feat in my eyes, considering the finale was filmed a little over a year after the last episode of the show.

Let’s be real, though... this was just a 90-minute vehicle for us to figure out who Patrick would end up with. The other characters had their respective scenes about what was going on in their lives (Dom with a successful food window; Agustín and his marriage; etc.), but the movie mostly revolved around stolen kisses and longing glances for Patrick’s central arc.

Also, will someone please inform me on why Frank was still around – in both the show AND the movie – after his breakup with Agustín? I don’t believe he really added anything to Agustín’s arc other than a very, very brief “Will they or won’t they get back together?” scene. Maybe he stuck around to illustrate how small the gay community is in San Francisco? Patrick did comment on that at one point. Yes, I’ll just stick with that.

There was a scene I did relish where, upon arriving at a coffee shop to discuss business, Kevin completely reamed Patrick about who he was as a person during their relationship and it was so wonderfully accurate about Patrick’s character in the show. But dare I say, in the time between show and finale, Patrick did seem to have matured. Not much, but enough where you felt he was more level headed to deal with whatever romantic venture he would take on next. And while I couldn’t help but root for both of Patrick’s romantic interests – they both had their good moments – I believe he did end up with the right person.

OVERALL

I enjoyed the show; I did. But not where I feel so strongly about it, like other reviewers online. I’ve seen a lot where they make it sound like Looking is the crown jewel of LGBTQ television.

Looking does have qualities that other shows do not (including, apparently, much more lax rules about nudity; thank you HBO), and I love Jonathan Groff while also becoming new fans of some other actors... but I guess for me, it was something to cross off from my watch list and to pass the time. I typically rate what I watch (movies and shows alike) based on whether I would want to own it and/or if I would want to watch it again... and I don’t think I would for Looking. If it would have aired longer, and I were given more material to base my opinions off of, maybe I could get on board with its so-called brilliance. But for now, it was entertainment – because where else could I see Jonathan in a leather vest?!!?! – and it’s time to move on to my next binge.

[my-happy-little-bean]

Figment of My Mind

pairing: none~ warnings: mild swearing, body horror, death (though it is implied that it is imaginary), bloody imagery, mentions of poison, mentions of thunder storms, mentions of fire/allusions to burn-out, slightly unsympathetic!patton / morally grey!patton, unsympathetic!janus, remus, & virgil words: 3334

summary: Roman tries to make the right choice, but falls into something much more than just “wrong”. 

Or: the one where Roman chose neither the wedding or the callback.

a/n - hello, it is i, bean; posting some rough, angsty horror at like 1 am because that’s !! just !! where we’re at right now! working on everything but the thing we’re supposed to be working on! 

i was heavily inspired by the song “figment of my mind” by bruno major (someone pleeeease make an animatic with this song it’s great), so that’s what the lyrics are! it was also written to make @wisepuma23​ and @thesocialbookwormishere​ proud lol – they’re such talented beans, and i wanted to hop on their angsty train to horror town lol. 

i’m sorry if this isn’t the happiest journey, but i really enjoyed writing something! it reminds me of that angst i wrote for patton when “can lying be good” came out – ah, the good ol’ days of bean angst lol. 

enjoy!

[read on ao3~]

–– 

“i traveled into deep space to see what i could find a purple angel led me to the universe inside.

welcome to the real world not the dream you left behind.  that was all a figment of your mind.”

–– 

When Roman left his room, the stars in the sky were only still forming.

It was late at night. Thomas (and by extension, Patton) had already gone to bed in tears. They have been doing that all week.

Logan had confided in him a few days back, confessing that he wasn’t sure why Patton was crying. Patton had nothing to lose with the verdict Roman made. In fact, he still won in some ways. He had theorized to empty, static-filled ears that perhaps Patton’s tears were just a reflection of Thomas’ emotions; a normal reaction everyone dramaticized to illogical extents.

Then he theorized idly that maybe Patton was crying because he felt like he was wrong the whole time.

(Roman didn’t leave his room for two days straight after hearing that.)

They didn’t have much left for Roman nowadays, and neither did Thomas. The days crept closer to dreaded April 13th and no one made a sound. Nothing was being done, nothing was being made. It was as if everyone was haunted by Roman’s decision; as if the sound of the gavel was echoing everywhere he stepped. 

And then, as April 12th ended– when Roman finally thought it was all over–

he realized that neutrality in a war was the enemy.

(In a moment of hypocrisy, Patton yelled at him, “Dishonourable.”)

So that was why he was here, sneaking out through the hidden door of his room and into the Imagination. He moved swiftly across the fields of nighttime fog and dew-covered grass to the giant, steel gates guarding The Dark Side.

Or, the other side. 

(It hurt less to think of himself like an ‘other’ rather than...well, that.)

He stood before the towering gates. It made sense that he felt like he was crossing paths into the dark forest Disney movies warned him about. A streak of lightning cracked across the sky like splintering glass, and every three minutes, a maniacal cackle shook the ground at beneath feet. 

Leave it to Remus to be so dramatic. 

It’s been a while since you’ve seen him, he thought wearily, gripping the hilt of his sword just in case. Would he even let you near him?

And then, a bitter thought: There has to be some family who will. 

Suddenly, a cold hand grabbed his shoulder. Lightening screamed with him as he turned on his heel and whipped his sword tall in front of him. 

“Show yourself, vil–”

Then, his vision cleared. 

It was suddenly raining in the Imagination, and Virgil stood in it, drenched.

“Virgil,” he hissed, slowly lowering his sword. “I could have killed you.”

“Can’t die.” The words came out as a low rumble, one that shook the earth beneath them in a different way. “Not real, remember?” 

“But you– but we’re–”

Virgil shook his head, waving a hand in front of him with a smug smile.

“Relax, Princey.” The old nickname pressed itself into Roman’s arm like a curse crawling on doomed lands. “Just some dark, 3 am humour.”

It wasn’t much reassurance, but Roman didn’t care. He was already clinging onto it tightly, never wanting to let it go.

“What are you doing here, J.D-lightful?” 

“Trying to figure out what the fuck you’re up to.” Virgil leaned forward, almost cockily. “What are you doing here?”

A pause. Roman forced his stare down at the rotten dirt below him. 

“I’m going to fix everything,” he muttered. 

Virgil skipped the first obvious question. “And you think Remus is going to help with that?” 

“I think something there will.” Roman pressed his feet into the ground with a snarl. He gripped onto the hilt of his sword even tighter. “If I go now, Remus will never even need to know.” 

Roman noticed how Virgil grit his teeth and clutched the sleeves of his gridded hoodie as if it’d swallow him whole and make him disappear completely. 

“What do you even need in there?” 

Roman turned his back on him as another crack of lightning shattered the glassy sky above them.

“Remus controls intrusive and destructive thoughts,” he said, choosing his words carefully. “And what is the only destructive thought plaguing all of us right now?” 

The answer hung between them, dead as the grass impaled by the ends of the metal gates.

“What if Thomas had gone?” 

“So you made a decision then.” Virgil’s voice, despite its venom, held an edge of worry. “A bit too late to figure out what the right choice was, no?”

Roman huffed, standing tall despite the fact that his words made him shrivel. 

“If you’re just going to stand there and be completely unhelpful,” Roman growled, walking towards the gate and grabbing the handle, “I’m just going to take my leave now–” 

“Wait.”

Roman stiffened at the layered tone of Virgil’s voice. He spun around to face him against his will, being forced to look at the hooded side. 

Virgil suddenly stuck his hand out, and Roman saw a glimpse of dark eyeshadow painted in thick layers over itself under his eyes.

“If you cross, you know what’s going to happen, don’t you?” 

Roman blinked. “What?” 

“You– do you even know what you’re getting yourself into?” 

“Not the point of an adventure, is it, Marilyn Morose?”

Virgil groaned. “I should let the damn thing eat you alive, Jesus Christ…” 

“Seriously, what are you talking about?” 

Virgil waved his hand, still outstretched. 

“Let me take you.” Another bolt of lightning pierced the sky. Roman felt as if it was going to fall on him at any second. “If you can survive with me, you’ll probably leave with what you really wanted.” 

Roman stared at his hand, as if the offer in it grew legs and was crawling up that inky checkered sleeve. Virgil’s words seemed to swarm in his head, and he didn’t quite understand what he was saying, but something told him that he needed to listen.

Virgil’s hand floated between them like a paranoid ghost.

And so, with a deep breath, Roman took it. 

–– 

“we flew amongst the patterns, impossible designs they’d been there the whole time hidden by my eyes

if i’d had a body it surely would've cried but tears were a figment of my mind”

–– 

Roman felt himself fall apart when he touched Virgil; as if Virgil was passing sharp sparks between their palms, and those sparks were finding cracks in skin Roman didn’t even know existed.

It felt as if his entire world flipped vertically, the ground defying the laws of reality and throwing him, somehow, onto the floor at the other side of the gate. 

Roman couldn’t even feel Virgil’s hand anymore. Instead, he just felt lightning stab his chest and blur his vision, a swirl of purple, yellow, and green swimming in front of him.

Then, it all stopped in an audition room. 

Virgil was nowhere to be seen, but Roman could feel him everywhere. He made himself believe that it was just because Thomas always felt this way before an audition.

Maybe it was the monotone filter of it all. Everything in the room—the camera, the table, two chairs, the walls—were various shades of black and white. 

And he was standing, stuck, in front of the empty chair. He still felt dizzy from whatever hellish trip Virgil had sent him on. He wanted to stumble on his feet just to make it feel more real, but he was rooted on the ground, completely still.

Then, lightning struck the two chairs and when the smoke cleared,  Deceit and Patton were staring at him, 

their eyes crossed out in yellow, drawn-on dashes. 

“SING.” 

Roman felt himself reel back at Patton’s voice, and a piano– out of sight, out of mind– began to play. The moral side had leaned over the table and slammed his fists into its surface, dark cracks in the wood blossoming from the contact. The noise was so loud, yet useless in muffling the haunted ivory keys, which played a hollow echo of Roman’s favourite audition song.

Fuck. 

Deceit said nothing, but he did smile at Roman in that kind– no, deceitful way he always did.

Did Deceit always have that line near his lip?

Roman shook his head. Forget Deceit. This audition wasn’t what he wanted. This was Thomas’ dream. This is what they had to choose. Mary Lee and Lee would surely understand, and so would Patton. He was selfless all the time, he deserved this. Deceit was right. 

In fact, Patton, in a fabricated moment of clarity, could possibly understand that now. Perhaps his command was actually encouragement; encouragement Roman missed oh-so much. 

Roman cleared his throat, straightening himself up. He could suddenly feel the ghost of Thomas mirror his movement in a lag. 

The role didn’t even need Thomas to sing, but Roman did as he was told anyway. Maybe he had to play along to hold this decision in his hands and save everyone. 

He smiled bravely.

“When you come home to me, I’ll wear a sweeter smile, and hope that for a while you’ll–” 

“FAIL.” 

Roman blinked. But he was perfectly in tune with– 

“FAIL!” Patton screamed at him again, lunging forward over the table, which split in two. The sound of the piano above them began to eerily croak.

“Patton, I–” 

“YOU FAILED!” Patton pointed at him as the accusation slipped his lips. Yellow poison leaked from the corners of his snarl and the piano went out of tune into a mess of sharps and flats. 

Deceit sat still. 

“DISHONOURABLE.” “WRONG.” 

The words suddenly began to layer over each other in what felt like an infinite descending tone.

“YOU SIDED WITH THE VILLAIN AND–” 

“HOW COULD YOU LET HIM GET AWAY WITH–” “WHAT KIND OF HERO–”

Roman finally tore his feet from the ground in shock. When he looked down at what initially bounded him, he saw yellow snapdragons coated with blood from his ankles, which was now pierced with thorns. The red and the yellow was so sharp– too sharp– in the midst of the black and white of the audition room.

On the broken piles of flowers he stepped away from laid the ghost of Thomas; on his knees and shaking.

“–FAILS?”

He felt tears slip down his cheeks and freeze into sharp crystals digging into his skin. In front of him was a broken dream, a broken man, the wrong choice–

And in the corner of his eye, Roman watched as Deceit grinned;  the line extending his smile cracking. 

Out through the cracks leaked blood. 

–– 

“i was shown a few things I'd been getting wrong she told me i’m a good man and have been all along

by the way I heard her say, ‘there’s no such thing as time it’s all a figment of your mind’."

–– 

Roman’s scream ended when he was flipped upside down,  now standing at an altar with a bouquet of yellow carnations.

The tears from the audition room were no longer piercing his skin, but they lingered as static in the form of a sticky residue. He was very certain that he was going to kill Virgil once he got home. This black and white world was somehow too bright, too daunting. 

And he left him alone in it.

Roman focused his vision on the new sight in front of him, holding his bouquet tightly like some kind of chilling reminder. 

A bride and a groom were walking away from the altar, their backs facing him. People were in the crowd, throwing the same yellow carnations into the air. It was a happy sight, despite the monochrome tinge. Violins sang brightly in what felt like the perfect photograph. 

Perhaps this was the choice Virgil was talking about; the one he’d leave with; the one he really wanted. Yes, he could want this. Maybe he even needed this.

Because at the end of the aisle was Patton, black and white with a sharp grin. 

Another layer of violins was placed on top of the pre-existing ones. 

“kiddo, i’m so proud of you!”

Roman’s breath hitched, holding the bouquet tighter. Mary Lee and Lee were already gone, yet everyone kept throwing their flowers. 

“you’re so good.  so good.”

“my hero.”

Roman broke into a wide grin. This decision felt so close. Patton’s voice felt like a rush of summer air in the midst of a cold, winter night. The words felt like they were close– so close– to carrying Roman on his back closer towards this decision; like they were already spinning the hands of the clock back and–

Patton suddenly became blurry in his vision, and a green figure appeared beside him, 

holding a dead Thomas by the neck.

Shit.

A familiar cackle cut through the illusionary Shepard tone created by the violins, which once played a sickly sweet melody in his ears. Roman looked at Remus, horrified, and then at Thomas. 

Thomas was wearing his wedding outfit — Roman recognized it because he helped choose it, of course. And it was beautiful. 

But at its seams were falling ashes; crispy burnt ends to such a beautiful suit. 

And Thomas was white as a sheet, slowly crackling away in embers where he hung.

Remus’ grin was made of bloodied pearls, his white streak cracking and spreading in patches to other parts of his hair. He threw the Thomas corpse– was he really dead?– onto the ground and pulled back his morning star by both hands, ready to strike–

Then Patton stepped between Remus and Thomas, holding his hands over his face to catch the spikes of the morning star before it could finish its swing down. The violins shrieked with Patton and Roman watched as his hands began to bleed upon contact. The flowers were still being thrown, as if to celebrate this horrible victory.

Patton, struggling against Remus' persistent force, let out a heartbreaking sob.

“...how are we still being hurt?”

“why is he getting worse?” 

“he shouldn’t be here, thomas is good–”

“–because you chose this –”

Roman’s heart broke when Patton stiffly met his eyes.

“what more are you going to do to stop this?”

Roman started to run towards the horrid sight, almost against his will. The violins hung above him, the chords pulling him back by his wrists, still attached to the bouquet of yellow carnations.

And he was screaming; screaming Patton’s name and crying as the petals of all the flying flowers slashed sharply at his face. The aisle seemed to make itself infinite, as of stringing Roman along on a treadmill moving too fast. 

He could see the outline of Remus amidst the slowly-paling flower flurry; bright green with a thick red puddle pooling around his feet. He saw the outline of his grin, blood dripping from each tooth.

Patton’s voice was barely a whisper, yet was loud enough for it to echo all around Roman’s head.

“you’re not doing enough.” 

“he has to be stopped.”

“stop this, hero, stop–”

And when Roman finally reached the end of the aisle,  Thomas was nothing but ashes on the floor. 

Patton stepped towards Roman, who slowly backed away. No no no no no–

Then, Patton grabbed the bouquet he was holding.

Roman gasped and looked down. Patton was bleeding red, palms cracked with scars and holes from Remus’ weapon. 

He at least tried to save Thomas, Roman suddenly realized. What did I do? 

Patton’s hand pierced the thorny stems of the carnations and his blood mixed with dripping green venom. 

His tearful eyes met Roman’s.

“...what did you do?”

The air around Roman thinned. He looked over Patton’s shoulders and saw Remus, grinning and holding up his bloodied morning star. 

It was on fire, and it caught onto the white cracks in his hair.

––

“waking with eyes closed from technicolor dreams crystal kaleidoscopes were singing blue and green

realer than real in front of me if only you could see what i could see”

––

Roman was fa(i/l)ling. 

He was stuck in a spinning kaleidoscope; and circling him were shattered fragments of the horrible decision he made– the decisions he could make. 

The memory of Deceit’s blood-soaked smile in the audition room. 

The sight of Remus grinning with fire crackling embers in his hair. 

The thought of Patton, glitching into two with his hands holding his head, being torn apart.

The view from below the towering gate (the lightning shattering the glassy sky)

and Virgil, standing in front of him with white cracks in his eyeshadow, pulling his hand back from Roman

to wrap himself in his old hoodie.  

The violins had stopped and the piano had paused. What did this mean? Roman tried to hold himself around his feeble body — if he even had one right now. 

No. He shuddered if he even could– no he was real. He was here, he was real,  and he was failing. 

Anxiety crawled through the cracks in his vision. He was straining his eyes trying to look at each fragment of his mistake. What did he need to do, what did he want to do, what was right, what was–

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

NO! Anything but this, he wanted to plead. This wasn’t it, he was supposed to be good– he couldn’t fail– what has he done?!

Suddenly, each fragment snapped and cracked in front of him, the kaleidoscope shattering piece by piece. 

And reflected in each broken shard was Roman.

Paranoia’s voice echoed in his ears: 

“Then why did you leave with this?”

––

“i slowly found my body, color began to fade i heard a piano playing a knowing serenade

this world feels backwards to my open eyes ‘cause it's all a figment of my mind.”

––

“–atton, if you touch him, you run the risk of–”

“–ET ME GO! ROMAN! ROMAN, WAKE UP, PLE–”

“–fucking stupid, how could he be so–”

Roman gasped, feeling himself seize up and face darkness. His head suddenly ached and he rubbed the spot he hit as he heard a low grumble from his left.

“Roman!” Patton. Roman shuddered. Patton’s sobs made him want to keep his eyes closed even more. “Roman, open your eyes, you’re home.” 

“Patton, you mustn’t alarm him.” That was Logan. “And Virgil, are you okay? See, this is why I told you not to stand so close...”

A part of him was reassured to hear logic return to him. The nightmare must be over then, right?

He blindly grabbed to his left, as if to apologize to the side he hit, and felt stitches crossing in small x’s on fabric. A sigh of relief; there was Virgil. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Virgil’s voice sounded so distant, yet so clear. “You could’ve gotten hurt, going there alone–”

“Now what did we say about alarming him.”

“Roman.” Patton’s voice stung the most, an echo of the hell he just fell through. “Roman, open your eyes. It’s me– it’s us.”

And so Roman obliged, like he always did with Patton. 

…

When Roman opened his eyes, he saw that he was back in his room, lying on his bed, staring at a blurry, white ceiling. As he sat up, Patton’s sobs grew louder and Logan’s breath hitched. 

Virgil stayed quiet.

“What is it?” he asked groggily. Patton dissolved into more tears. Roman watched as Logan, sliced in half by navy blue and grey shards, held Patton close. 

“Guys?” he asked again. He looked at Virgil and frowned. Some patches were grey, why were they–

Roman gasped, pushing past his family and turning his back on their grief. He made his way to the mirror in the corner of his room, tearing the hair in front of his eyes aside. 

And staring back at him in his cracked mirror were irises split in half. 

Black and amber.

-

click here for a new and improved masterlist of all my writing if you’re interested ^v^

[an-ambivalent]

World Of Lust [Yandere! Incubus! Park Jimin] [Reader-Insert]

Warning: This is NOT for the faint-hearted. This story contains yandere themes, abusive relationships, and a lot of other vulnerable topics that can be triggering or uncomfortable to read. Proceed at your own risk. This work is purely fiction. I do not believe any of the mentioned members would display any sort of this behavior in reality, nor do I condone any abusive actions that characters portray. Once again, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 

Word Count: 3.5K 

The night was pitch black and eerily haunting. With its haunting, it brought a chill of icy coldness that sent shivers through one’s spine. The only sign of any light during this dark and stormy night was from the viciously flickering lightning. It had the potential  to strike down the tallest of trees, buildings, and other structures or light them on fire. Thunder boomed loudly enough that the prey of the storm felt its rumbling effect in their bones. Rain poured heavily and mercilessly from the heavy dark clouds. On nights like these, underworld demons indulged in terms the humans referred to as partying and fun. Some tended to arrange meet up with their friends and enjoy each other’s company. While others, did more sinful activities and overfed their lust. Generally on night like these, it was all supposed to be fun and games, but something about tonight, felt wrong.

Once upon a time, long ago, you were a wild succubus who enjoyed her freedom, youth, and single life to its full-potential. You use to find a new victim each night to feed off. In your prime days, you oozed with charisma, power, beauty, and an aura that pulled everyone to you. You were desirable and for that reason, the line of men who wished to have you bed them never seemed to end.

As mentioned before, that wild and desirable you was a thing of the past. Now, you were a woman with many titles and roles that came with a lot of responsibilities. You were the fiance of the next Incubus King. This meant you would eventually be the next queen of your kingdom, and the King’s right hand advisor and wife. Additionally, you had come to bear a child, and giving birth to an incubus or a succubus child was no easy task; it was painful and long labour that had a lot of risks.  The after care for the baby as it grew up required a lot of commitment. Needless to say, your future required a lot of a hard work and selflessness. However, you did not mind. You told yourself that this was the best future anyone could ask for, and it was what you wanted. When you were younger, your parents allowed and gave you freedom to do whatever you pleased. But now it was your age to settle down with the man of their choice. You could not be been more fortunate enough to have Park Jimin, the next King as your soon to be spouse. As long as you were fed a lot by your spouse during your nine months, it all generally worked out.

You gazed out of the glass window of your living room and watched the harsh storm occur. The loudness of it resonated in the emptiness and the silence of the mansion walls you lived in. Its was just another grim reminder of the lonely life you lived with Jimin and how he refused to let you go anywhere. He used excuses like how people would target you to get to him to keep you confined. He told you that he felt in peace knowing that you were at home where you would be protected and nothing could harm you so he preferred you to stay home all the time. You felt it was a bit unfair whenever you pondered about it since you were always cooped up in one place, while Jimin was out all the time enjoying himself.

It left a bitter and sour taste in you. But again, you reminded yourself of how fortunate you were to end up engaged to someone like Jimin. You gave yourself a sense of hope that this would not be forever. It would get better, it definitely had to get better.

And just because Jimin forbid you from going out and seeing your friends, did not mean that you could not invite them over.

Just then, there was a knock on the door of the mansion you lived in. You heard the familiar voice of your friends Jungkook and Mina calling your name from outside. Right away, you unfolded your wings from your back and raised them. You flapped them before you flew towards the door, and opened it.

There were visible twinkles of excitement shining in your eyes at the sight of your friends because you were finally getting to meet someone again.

They both walked in and Jungkook shut the door behind him. You landed on your feet and ran up to hug them. Well particularly, you threw your entire body weight on Mina and smothered her in affection.

“Wow there, [Name]. I know it's been a while but I didn’t think you’d miss me this much,” Mina said, when you had jumped into her arms, and she wrapped them around your waist and held you up. She returned the ferocity of your hug.  However, it seemed as if she had used too much force because you physically winced. Instantly, she loosened her hold on you and settled you down on the ground gently. Then,  you walked towards Jungkook. You simply gave him a smile and an awkward side hug. The affection you portrayed towards him as a friend, was nowhere near to how you expressed your love for Mina for reasons that were yet to be revealed. While you were being awkward with Jungkook, Mina was watching you calculating eyes.

“You were surprisingly very light to pick up [Name]. I don’t think you’ve ever been that easy to hold before and you look awfully thin,” Mina stated icily, and her eyes narrowed at you in suspicion.  The way your skin was thin enough to stick to your rib cages visibly was evident. The fullness and the brightness that was always expressive on your face, and brought out your beauty was no longer there. Your wings were supposed to be big,  wide and viciously beautiful. But at the moment, you could not even raise them high enough for the average. They were thin enough that veins in them were visible.

You looked starved and unwell.

“You are meant to weigh a lot more [Name] especially since you are pregnant. Is Jimin not feeding you?” Mina asked, and you inwardly winced.

The truth was obvious to everyone like a lit candle visible in a dark cave,  but knowing how Jimin could be, you refused to tell it. Instead, you smiled sweetly at them.

“Jimin has been too tired lately from all the preparations he has to do for his crowning ceremony. So I didn’t want to be a bother,” You said timidly, and cringed. Actually, your lie was not a complete lie.

Jungkook scoffed. “Too tired to look after his mate? That’s a whole load of bullshit. He practically threatened and ripped me apart to steal you away from me, and just to make me jealous, wouldn’t let you rest for a minute. He was busy preparing back then as well but didn’t seem too tired to rip us apart. He fucked you even when you were too tired to continue to shove it all in my face. You can’t tell me he can’t even spare ten minutes to feed you [Name]. That’s bullshit and you know it,” Jungkook hissed angrily. To say he was pissed at how Jimin was treating you was a big understatement.

Mina gave Jungkook a warning stare that said ‘watch your mouth’ before she turned towards you.

“While Jungkook went overboard, and should have made his point much more nicely, he does have a point. You have got to stop defending Jimin when he’s in the wrong and stand up for yourself [Name]. You know how our bodies work. We are stronger than other species and can endure hunger for longer periods of time without feeling bothered. But our starvation hits us all at once [Name], and you know not eating in that state is bad.  But being fed in that state in even riskier especially if paired with the vulnerability that comes with being pregnant,” Mina reminded you. While you were grateful for the concern they expressed for you, it annoyed you how they were treating you as if you were incapable of looking after yourself.

You knew the risks, and the consequences. You were a grown adult and you were more than aware of the choices you were making.

“Thanks guys, I appreciate your worry but I can look after myself. You don’t need to fuss over me like a baby. Besides, I called you over here to hang out so I can not think about Jimin,” You explained with a bit of sass in your voice. It was obvious from the tone of your voice that you wanted to move on from this subject.

“Sorry, yeah sure we should talk about something else,” Mina said, and smiled apologetically. You returned her smile with your own, knowing that she had realized their continuous pestering was making you uncomfortable.

However, Jungkook seemed like he wanted to do anything but move on from this subject because he was scowling. He began to voice his honest thoughts that wiped your smile off your face.

“Sure lets scoop all of this under the rug like we always do. Like what I want, and what you want doesn’t matter at all as long as privileged Prince Jimin is happy. Let’s not bring this up and ignore your crisis the way we ignored how you were forced away from me and now into a marriage you won’t be happy in. You’re great at that, aren’t you [Name]? Great at pretending as if I never existed for you or you never loved me,” Jungkook snapped, and the fury that was on his face was beginning to morph into an expression of hurt.

Jungkook’s words did nothing but remind you about the things you always pushed at the back of your mind — memories and emotions from the times you were actually happy in. You had dug a grave for them and buried them in it so they would not get distracted from your purpose.  It resulted in  happiness that everyone got from your actions and sacrifices -- everyone but you.

The harsh reality of the reminder hurt. The feelings that you had locked away flooded into you all at once like water drops falling off a cliff and becoming part of the bigger water body that awaited it at the bottom. Each drop represented one thought, feeling, and sacrifice you had repressed.

Truth of the situation was that you did not love Jimin at all. He was the opposite of everything that you wanted in your life. He was controlling, and restricted your freedom with false excuses while he did whatever he pleased. He was abusing because he always ignored you when you asked him for something or would yell at you to leave him alone. But whenever it came to him needing something from you, he would forcefully take it without asking or any warnings.

You knew that you did not love Jimin and that he absolutely did not love you. He had a disgusting way of treating you because he would not make you happy, and would not allow yourself, others to make you happy either.

You loved Jungkook. All this time you had did what your parents had decided for you without question. You left Jungkook without any explanation, and abandoned everything you two had like it meant nothing. Your sweet, loving, protecting, and loyal Jungkook that treated you like his most precious treasure during sexual intercourse. He was the one who always pleasured you how you liked it. He stopped when he tended to overfeed from you, and took great care of you afterwards. Jungkook was the one who encouraged your wild side and joined you on the crazy adventures you ventured on.

Your incubus Jungkook who was too angelic for a demon and was everything that Jimin wasn’t — everything that you loved but had left—

No one realized the impact Jungkook’s words had on you until tears formed in the corner of your eyes.  They fell down your face without your permission.

Mina and Jungkook’s eyes widened.  In annoyance, Mina turned to him and smacked him harshly at the back of his head.

“Ow! Mina, what the hell?” He exclaimed, and she motioned her head towards you.

“You made her cry dimwit! Apologize and comfort her! I need to go now so I’m trusting you alone with her. You better not mess it up, got it Jeon?” Mina said threateningly, and Jungkook nodded. Then, she pushed him towards you ruthlessly, and as he glared at her, she simply stuck her tongue out. She gave him a thumbs up, before she walked out of your residence.

Jungkook was startled into paying his attention to you when a sob left your lips, and you started to speak messily.

“I-I never meant to hurt you Kookie, and I never— I never wanted to leave you. I just… I just thought,” You stammered, and you were unable to complete your sentence since you busted out in tears.

At the sight of your sorrowful face and use of his nickname, his heart felt like it literally melted for you.

“Oh [Name],” Jungkook cooed, as he wrapped his arounds you, and brought you in for a hug. You cried more as you returned his embrace without any hesitancy, and nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry for saying such harsh things and holding it against you this entire time. I’m sorry baby girl, I didn’t know you were hurting so much. I wish I could help you take all of your troubles away and just make you happy,” He whispered softly, as he kissed the top of your head.

You sniffled, before you pulled away slightly and glanced up at Jungkook with dewed and teary eyes.

“I’m so hungry Jungkook and I’ve been feeling really sick. You can help me. You can make it all better. Please help me,” You begged, and your tail wrapped around his thigh, before it started to trail upwards towards his heat. It was a clear sign of desire, and Jungkook’s eyes widened in realization.

“[Name], if I sleep with you it won’t end well —“

“I don’t care anymore Jungkook. It never ends well. With Jimin, it always ends badly. He doesn’t care Jungkook, and he never will,” You murmured lowly, anger etched in your voice. Subsequently to this, Jungkook observed you for a few seconds as his eyes shifted from your eyes to your pouty lips, and then returned to your eyes.

He realized he was always weak for you.

“Okay,” He whispered quietly, and your eyes widened. The definite joy in your eyes made him realize why he would always risk it all for you.

He leaned closer to your face, as his hand caressed the back of your neck. Then, he brought your face closer to his too until your lips met.

The passion of your and Jungkook’s night began.  All the while, you were oblivious to the pair of eyes that watched you with a menacing glare.

                         _______________________________________

You had not seen Jimin until the second night after you had slept with Jungkook. When he had returned home, he was in a foul mood which was nothing new for you. For the two nights he was gone for, you noticed how you had started to throw up blood, and despite being fed by Jungkook, you barely felt well.

You knew exactly what Jimin had been up to, you knew it from the condition you were in. Once an incubus or a succubus mated, they were only supposed to feed off their mate and no one else. The more someone mated feeds off someone who is not their mate, the sicker their mate would become. It was equivalent to the human term of cheating.

You had hoped that by feeding of Jungkook, Jimin would like the taste of his own medicine. You hoped that by rebelling against his strictness and apathetic attitude you could have taught Jimin a lesson, and it would encourage him to treat you better.

It did nothing. And you were yet to realize that it had only worsen your situation and acted as a catalyst for your demise.

While you had started to feel a bit better after laying with Jungkook, your appetite was not satisfied. Nothing could satisfy it the way Jimin, as your mate would. He was the only one who had the power to help you get better so you would stop throwing up blood. You desperately needed him to bed you for your own survival.

As Jimin entered your shared bedroom, the sight of his neck covered in love bites and other bruises that were all sorts of hues of black and blue entered your sight. Those were love bites that you had not made. Knowing what that meant, caused your stomach to churn, and your throat to constrict because you were barely able to hold yourself from falling apart.

“How was your day Jimin?” You asked in a strained voice. The black-haired make glanced at you from the corner of his eyes. However, he instantly looked away and refused to spare you another glance.

You clenched your bedsheets in anger.

“I see. Well, since you obviously don’t give a fuck about me can you at least think of your child and feed me? Any more starving, or you continuing to cheat on me will kill me. Can’t you spare some sympathy for your offspring?” You hissed. You never spoke to Jimin with such crude words and a vice tone. So, it caused him to snap his gaze towards you.

His eyes were etched with animosity.

“You don’t need me to feed you. Jungkook seemed to have taken care of that,” He said coldly, and in response, you scoffed at him in disbelief.

“He had to. Even before he did, you were treating me like trash and starving me and going behind my back and sleeping with how many others, I don’t even know. Do you think I’m stupid and I didn’t know? Why did you choose me Jimin? Why did you have me engage with you if you were just going to fucking ruin me—“ You started to scream, but your shouting was ceased instantly. Jimin flew towards you at the speed of light, pinned you beneath him, and covered your mouth with one hand. It was easy for him to hold you down since you were already physically weak.  Whatever screams, words, or other sounds left your lips were only head as muffled sounds due to his hand on your mouth.

Jimin’s tail wrapped around your bare waist tightly and started to suffocate the air out of you. You tried to struggle out of his grip but your effort remained useless.

He leaned dangerously closer towards your face.

“You want to know why I treat you like trash [Name]? Because you are trash. You have no idea how much I hate you for always choosing Jungkook over me. If it wasn’t for my status or forcing you to be my spouse to be, then you would have never even looked my way. You have no idea how much I hate you for never noticing me on your own will,” Jimin began in a snarl, before slowly, he started to grind his hips against yours.

Your eyes widened in terror.

“You’re such an inconsiderate and selfish brat always blaming me. Did you ever stop to think that you were the reason why I cheated on you? That you had brought that on yourself? I was only sleeping with others to improve myself for you. But obviously, that never occurred to you. You only ever see the worst in me. Besides, why should I feed you and this fucking baby that isn’t even mine?” Jimin hissed, and his tail’s grip around your waist tightened to the point where it caused you to wither in extreme pain.

You knew what he was going to do, and you desperately shook your head. Heavy tears were beginning to welp up in your eyes, and you screamed at him to stop. But like all of your words before, it was muffled.

Jimin grinned sinisterly.

“First, I’m going to squeeze Jungkook’s baby out of you. If it was mine, then you would be much more swollen. Then, as punishment for constantly betraying me, I’m going to feed off your entire energy and just when you are on the verge of dying, I’ll overfeed you completely. That sounds like a good way to start doesn’t it [Name]?” Jimin whispered, and just the mere thought of what he had planned, caused you to cry out loud and shake your head in response. Your fear, and emotional stress only further manifested his excitement.

“You wanted me to feed you and pay attention to you [Name], so I’m only giving you what you wanted. Now, if you want me to start treating you like my queen after impregnating you with my seed and not like a piece of trash, then you better do as I say and scream much more loudly for me than you had for Jungkook.”

BAD ENDING

<<previous: Wrath [Yandere! Dragon-Shifter! Namjoon] | next: World Of Envy introduction>> | Masterpost

[charmedtheselfproclaimedking]

Charmed Again: Season 3 (Charmed Fanfic)

Episode 8 - Charmed Condolences (Finale)

Warnings: I don’t own the rights to any of the characters from the hit TV show “Charmed” or the storylines related to the show those rights belong to original creator Constance M Burge.

15+ Moderate/Graphic Displays of Violence, Sexual Innuendos, Witchcraft and Potentially Triggering Scenes.

Many Years Ago

Pan knocked on Paul’s bedroom door before walking in to find him standing next to Drake’s cot while a baby Drake was fast asleep as the two shared a smile before sitting down on the edge of his bed.

“I know mum’s right I know it but it’s going to be so hard saying goodbye.” Paul admitted to his sister. “I know I’m going to have to be selfless and give him the best life I can possible give, but I just don’t want to not see him every day.”

“Listen our mother is purely talking out of fear and I know things are complicated with Eve and everything but I reckon we could all give it a go raising him and with us all there for him he’ll turn out perfect.” Pan suggested.

“She’s not wrong though I mean our Uncle Chris died way too young and we don’t even speak about Uncle Wyatt’s descent into madness that’s not to mention our cousins our entire family let’s face it this whole family is cursed.” Paul revealed. “I don’t want that life for him I want him to be happy, free and to live a long life that let’s face it neither of us are ever really going to have.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Pan said as she hugged into her brother. “I just wish our life didn’t have to be sacrifice after sacrifice.”

“Me too but at least I’ll be happy knowing my son’s life won’t be like ours.” Paul replied.

Present Day

A recently homeward bound Drake walked into the attic of the Halliwell Manor with a look of hurt and heartbreak on his face, this being the first time the Halliwell hybrid had been back home since the deaths of his father Paul Halliwell and his aunt Pan Morgan-Halliwell.

It had only been about a month but for him it felt like a lifetime as he walked over to the book of shadows until he was stood behind the closed book. He paused for a moment reluctant to open it believing it would restart his duties as a charmed one but as often was the case within this house he wasn’t given much choice before the book flipped open by itself continuing to flip by itself through pages after pages until stopping at the to call a lost witch spell.

“Power of the witches rise course unseen across the skies. Come to us who call you near come to us and settle here.” Drake began to chant. “Blood to blood I summon thee blood to blood return to me.”

Drake looked around hoping for a moment he’d be reunited with his father or aunt hoping for a moment this spell would change their fate only for nothing to happen breaking his heart once again.

Somewhere in New York City Penny Craft found herself running down a street alleyway chasing after her bounty a tall bald man who had skipped his court date and just as she was closing in on the perp she suddenly found herself hit in the face by a newspaper that appeared out of nowhere causing her to misstep and fall into a nearby stack of bin bags.

By the time she pulled the newspaper of her and climbed out of the trash her perp was already gone much to her frustration only to find the same newspaper rustling at her feet so she decided the pick up this pestering newspaper and read what it had to say.

“Hey…” She mumbled to herself. “Isn’t that my baby blanket?”

Elsewhere in New York, Rose Craft found herself waking up in a large king size bed wearing just her underwear with a man asleep to her right and a woman asleep to her left as she quietly climbed out of the bed not to wake the couple and began gathering her clothes before making her escape into the hallway once fully clothed before quietly making her way to the apartment door, opening the door to find a newspaper on the doorstep which she quickly picked up and began to read after closing the door and walking into the apartment building’s hallway.

Rose didn’t get very far reading the paper before she noticed the picture of a baby blanket under an article about a missing child which is when she also realized the newspaper itself was dated

“What the hell is going on here?” She asked herself as she pulled her phone out her jacket after stopping outside the apartment building’s elevator before dialing a number and waiting for the person to answer. “We need to talk like straight away.”

The next morning a fully dressed in black Drake found himself stood in the doorway of his father’s bedroom tears falling down his eyes as he investigated a room that no longer held anything but ghosts and memories.

“I miss him too, but I can’t begin to fathom what you must be feeling right now Drake.” Raven said to him after shimmering into the room and taking a seat on Paul’s bed. “We should’ve taken the premonition more seriously, but they had so many like that they were convinced they could handle it all.”

“I know I guess we all got kind of a little too confident with all this.” Drake admitted as he dried his eyes and walked over to Raven before sitting down next to her. “The power of three made us believe we would survive anything together, but I guess even being charmed doesn’t guarantee you’re safe.”

“I wish I had done something reacted faster we just never imagined it’d be a human let alone one who came with loaded anti-magic bullets I mean I knew there was anti-magic objects in the world but nothing like this.” Raven cried as Drake grabbed a hold of her hand. “I wanted to save them both so badly Drake but once Lacey’s healing didn’t work on them it was only a matter of time.”

“There was nothing that you could do if only I was there…” Drake began to say.

“No if you were there you probably would’ve just wound up dead too the only saving grace in all of this is you live on that’s all your father wanted for you to be safe.” Raven butted in, determined to make sure Drake never blamed himself. “None of this is anyone’s fault except for the bitch who shot them.”

“You’re right.” Drake replied as he pulled a crying Raven in for a hug. “Well the bitch who shot them and the one who hired her to do so.”

“Yes, but sadly Lacey got a bit too trigger happy to ask those kinds of questions.” Raven revealed to Drake as they broke off their hug. “Cole’s currently chasing a lead with a seer down in the Underworld hopefully we’ll get some answers even if there’s nothing we can really do with those answers unless demons are hiring humans to do their dirty work now.”

“Yeah well I guess with the whole charmed being reborn yet again maybe one of them will get a premonition that’ll get whoever did this with some magical solution on how to deal with them in the process.” Drake told his late father’s grieving girlfriend.

“Wait, are you seriously going to go ahead with restoring the power of three?” Raven asked in shock as she stood up. “You already restored the power of three and got no thanks for it you don’t owe them anything.”

“I know that’s not true but they need three to complete the set and I know the amount of good we can do and I can’t be the reason that good doesn’t happen because then whoever killed my dad and Pan will really win.” Drake answered as he stood up to face Raven.

“I still can’t believe my lovely receptionist Patty Craft was Paul and Pan’s long-lost sister Patience all this time I mean she was so close to us all before she died…I can’t believe her two daughters are going to be charmed ones.” Raven admitted. “That sort of makes your dad and his siblings the real second generation’s answer to the charmed ones and you are your cousins the third.”

“Yeah I suppose it does I never really thought of it like that…too busy trying to get my ass out of jail before getting busy with all this funeral stuff.” Drake explained to her. “Then there’s the club, my father’s shares in Halliwell and Turner not to mention Pan and his belongings and the whole Lacey going on a killing spree thing.”

“You have already dealt with more than anyone should ever have to deal with it’s okay to be done with it all Drake.” Raven told him as she grabbed a hold of his hand once more. “In fact, getting as far away from Charmed, living your own life and taking Lilah as far away from all this would make your father and probably your aunt happy to see.”

“Try telling that to the rest of the world that needs the charmed ones trust me I want nothing more than to hang up the broomstick and spell book and leave this never-ending misery spiral, but I can’t be selfish.” Drake said before taking a sad sigh.

“Leave it with me!” Raven responded with a cunning smile. “I’ll be back before the funeral I’m going to find a way for you to be as selfish as you want to be.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Drake asked to no answer as Raven shimmered away.

“I was in two minds whether to drop the kid off today or tomorrow, but I figured after your little prison stint you’d be needing our daughter right about now.” Cindy said to Drake as he walked into his bedroom to find Cindy sitting on the side of his bed while his daughter Lilah sat on her lap clearly excited to see her father. “Don’t worry I’ll sit tight with her in the Manor while you attend the funeral.”

“Oh my god daddy has missed you so much.” Drake told his baby girl as he walked towards Lilah and picked her up into his arms, his face lighting up to see his child after such a long time. “Daddy is never letting you go ever again.”

“You do realize mama is right here too you know.” Cindy reminded the Halliwell hybrid as she stood up to face him and their daughter. “I should at least get a hello or something.”

“Hey....I’m sorry I was just so excited to see my girl.” Drake replied before kissing his daughter on the forehead. “Thanks, I really needed some daddy time today it’s good to see you too.”

“I know I’m not one for the whole emotion thing but I’m deeply sorry about Paul and Pan I know how much family means to you if it helps I could totally kill whoever hired the hit I know you’re pure and killing isn’t your thing but I’ve always kind of been on the grey-scale.” Cindy offered him.

“Thanks Cindy but getting people to kill for me still means I got blood on my hands.” Drake laughed.

“Okay I totally won’t kill for you.” Cindy said sarcastically before winking at Drake.

“I mean it don’t kill anybody you’re doing good with the whole redemption thing the last thing Lilah needs is for any of us to go out killing people.” Drake warned her as he continued to hug into his daughter.

“Ugh…fine.” Cindy sighed. “I won’t get any blood on my or your hands.”

“Finally, I was beginning to think elders were still putting all of us demons on mute.” Raven said after Quinn orbed onto the top of the golden gate bridge to meet her.

“I am deeply sorry for your loss Miss Turner especially in your condition.” Quinn apologised to her. “It’s killing Paul that he’s not going to be there for you and your child but take some solace in knowing he is watching over you.”

“Thank you I had a theory he wouldn’t be able to miss all of this…listen I need your help with Drake and it’s going to involve breaking a few rules.” Raven replied to him. “And before you say no I want to remind you that Paul and Pan treated you like family that Drake loved you that…”

“What is it that you want me to do?” Quinn asked, interrupting the pregnant demon.

“Well at first I was going to ask for you to go back in time and stop them both from dying but then I realized destiny wouldn’t allow it because they believe it’s time for another set of charmed ones then I was going to ask you bring them back but death wouldn’t allow that either so I guess all I can do is ask that you help me protect Paul’s children and granddaughter like he would want us both to do.” Raven informed the elder.

“You’re right about Paul and Pan they were my family and they deserved better than this I want so much to reverse it all and see them alive and happy. For Pan to live a long life with her wife Lacey for the two of them to get the children they wanted and for Pan not to have to watch over without being able to stop her wife killing innocent after innocent.” Quinn admitted to her. “I want for Paul to be alive and be there for Drake and his granddaughter and to be there for you and get to raise his and your child together something I’d know he’d love and most of all I want for Drake to be happy, safe and to never have to face the same fate. So, yes Raven I will help you do whatever is needed elders be damned.”

“Good,” Raven responded with a smile. “Now between the both of us we’re going to find Parker Halliwell."

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting to see you today but I’m glad you’re here.” Drake greeted Jake as he walked downstairs to see Jake waiting for him in the foyer.

“Well with Lacey being MIA on a killing spree I figured there had to be some Morgan family representation besides I figured you’d need as many friends as possible right now.” Jake replied to him.

“We’re friends now? I like that we’re friends now.” Drake said with a sincere smile. “It means a lot that you still care after all this time especially after everything.”

“Of course, I do.” Jake admitted. “Besides thank to you I am now living back at my family home and just got a new job so I can’t stay mad at you forever.”

“Well you could, and no one would blame you, you truly are amazing Jake Morgan.” Drake told him as he gave his first love a hug.

“You’re not so bad yourself Drake Black.” Jake responded as he hugged his first love tighter.

“Actually, it’s Drake Black-Halliwell now I’m changing it to incorporate both of my families.” Drake revealed as he broke off the hug.

“I like it.” Jake told him. “How are you holding up?”

“I’ll be better once I get today over with and work out whatever it is that Raven’s up to.” Drake admitted. “It would be better if everyone would give the notion of Charmed 3.0 a miss until after dad and aunt Pan’s funeral.”

“Hold up what exactly is Charmed 3.0?” Jake wondered. “Actually, never mind I’ll save the questions for later.”

“Thanks,” Drake replied. “We will get a hold of Lacey and we’ll get the old her back I promise.”

“Don’t worry too much about that my new job gives me the kind of resources that should help me track her down and try talking some sense in her…if there’s any her left that is.” Jake revealed to the Halliwell hybrid.

“Okay I’m going to do the same to you and ask about this mysterious new job of yours later but as for Lacey she’s still in there she’s just in a really bad place and needs pulling out of it.” Drake said, trying to reassure Jake. “I mean everyone deals with grief differently and she’s lost a lot not that it makes any of what she’s done okay but we will get her back somehow.”

“I miss optimistic Drake he’s not been around in a long time.” Jake stated with a sincere smile.

Raven and Quinn walked into a seedy looking club located within L.A to find Parker Halliwell brawling with another man within a cage in a caged fight as they quickly joined the crowd of onlookers as they watched Parker fight his opponent a fight to which the Halliwell man was quickly winning.

“Remind me again why this guy didn’t get called for duty in the first place?” Raven asked Quinn as they watched Parker’s impressive moves within the cage.

“He did his time so to speak but then disowned everyone after he fixed the whole Wyatt debacle which makes a lot of sense considering Wyatt was his father.” Quinn explained to Raven.

“I’m beginning to think charmed is really just a fancy way of your kind saying cursed.” Raven replied to the elder. “Oh well so he’s going to be a tough sell lucky for us I’m one hell of a lawyer.”

After watching Parker Halliwell become victorious in his cage match they waited patiently until he went to the locker room to change making sure nobody else was in as they followed him.

“Okay here’s the thing I need you to move back to San Francisco and become the third component to the power of three.” Raven revealed to him as her and Quinn came face to face with Parker. “And please don’t say no due to some daddy issues because quite frankly this generation all have daddy issues, I mean every generation does but you lot definitely cry a lot more about them.”

“Excuse me who the hell are you and what did you just say about charmed?” Parker asked, in shock by Raven’s abruptness. “I don’t know who you two are but charmed died a long time ago and I’m done hearing about it.”

“I’m sorry about my friend’s rash approach but we have a funeral to attend soon and emotions are running rather high.” Quinn said to Parker.

“Okay well your clearly either a white lighter or an elder.” Parker replied to Quinn before turning to Raven. “Who are you?”

“My name is Raven and I’m pregnant with your cousin Paul’s second child, but we are here about his firstborn Drake…he was part of the second generation’s charmed ones along with his father and his aunt Pan but they both dead now.” Raven revealed.

“Paul and Pan are dead?” Parker asked with genuine sadness in his voice. “I really thought they’d survive longer than me.”

“Well they never…” Raven said as tears began forming in her eyes before she began allowing herself to cry. “I held his hand as he died…I witnessed them both die and then Drake came home to their bodies…I should’ve been there to stop that from happening to protect him from seeing that like his father would’ve wanted me to.”

“It’s okay.” Quinn told her as he tried to reassure her with a hug only to be brushed away.

“No it’s not okay none of this are okay Paul and Pan are gone, Lacey’s a soulless killer and now Drake’s being dragged into restoring the power of three yet again and I just know if he does it will be the death of him.” Raven cried.

“I am deeply sorry about Paul and Pan they were great people, but I gave up that life a long time ago and for good reason.” Parker explained to them both as Raven finally allowed Quinn to hug her.

“I know and we have no right coming here to ask you in fact I could be in a lot of trouble by so many people for even asking but the thing is Drake’s adoptive parents died in a fire when he was young, then his best friend’s father died at the hands of demons, his mother was killed and then he vanquished his own grandfather.” Quinn rambled. “Not to mention he was brainwashed by a boyfriend, he found his parent and his aunt dead, he went to jail for their murders and the best friend I mention has gone full dark lighter…”

“That sounds like a…” Parker began to say.

“Charmed life.” Raven interrupted before drying her eyes. “I’m so sorry we came here to try and convince you to live a life that has got your entire family killed and for a moment I was considering kidnapping you and forcing you to take his place but the truth is I can’t force you to suffer the same fate he did.”

“Thanks.” Parker responded to her. “You know being a Halliwell isn’t all loss and heartbreak…I got to do remarkable things, save many lives and most of all grow up in a home literally filled with magic.”

“Then why give it up?” Quinn asked Wyatt Halliwell’s son.

“It required too many sacrifices and I decided it was time to live my life for me…which sure meant saying goodbye to my family but at the time after my father’s descent into darkness I couldn’t deal with being a Halliwell anymore.” Parker opened to them both. “I really am sorry about Paul and Pan they were like siblings to me growing up all our cousins were grams was big on family and so were her sisters we all kind of grew up together.”

“Yes, Paul told me all about you he also told me that you used to love being a witch you know before you bound your white lighter side and went off the map.” Raven replied. “It must say something you never bound your witch half.”

“I wouldn’t read too much into it.” Parker told her.

Drake, Paige, Quinn, Raven and Cole stood at the freshly dug gravesides of Paul Halliwell and Pan Morgan-Halliwell, the only five remaining after the funeral proceedings as Paige stood next to Drake hand in hand while the other three stood behind them.

“Piper’s deeply sorry she couldn’t be here to comfort you, but she felt like she need to be with Paul and Pan right now.” Paige told Drake as she hugged into her great-great nephew. “We are so proud of how you are holding up.”

“Yeah well it’s not my first graveside visit.” Drake replied while breaking off their hug. “I doubt it’s going to be my last.”

Before Paige could reply to Drake and tell him something reassuring, he began to walk off with Cole and Raven quickly following him to make sure he was okay as Quinn walked over to speak with his fellow elder.

“I don’t know how Cole manages to keep worming his way back into this family but for once I’m actually happy Drake’s got a friend right now especially after his former friend went all evil.” Paige admitted to Quinn. “But if you tell anyone I said anything even remotely nice about Cole I will kill you!”

“Paige, we need to speak about something Raven and I may have done earlier, and it revolves around a certain great-great nephew you forbid all elders from ever contacting.” Quinn told her.

“Okay now is not the time to tell me you broke the rules!” Paige snapped. “I’m here to support Drake…”

“Why do you think we contacted Parker in the first place?” Quinn unusually snapped back. “I get how we’re supposed to honor his desire to no longer have anything to do with this life, but I don’t get why we’re not honoring Paul and even Melinda’s wishes to see no harm come to Drake.”

“No harm has come to Drake…” Paige began to say.

“Not yet…he’s barely coping right now and forcing him to be the power of three times three will only make things worse.” Quinn admitted to her. “He deserves the kind of break Parker got in fact I think he deserves it more.”

“Hey…Raven thought one of us should stay with you at all times and I draw the short straw.” Cole joked as he walked into the kitchen of the Halliwell Manor to find Drake drinking from a bottle of whisky. “Of course, I’m joking…probably not the best time for a demon to be cracking jokes.”

“Yeah that and you always suck at trying to be funny.” Drake laughed as he continued to drink his whisky. “No offense meant or anything but a truth’s a truth.”

“Fair point.” Cole replied as he walked towards Drake, took the whisky off him and drank from it. “You know it’s never easy losing a parent god I even felt something when Raven killed our mother, I didn’t feel much to be fair but still…it’s never easy.”

“Yeah I’ve had better days.” Drake admitted before snatching the whisky back. “The truth is I just keep telling myself the day will be over soon but I’m beginning to fear what tomorrow is going to look like.”

“Well whatever it may look like I’ll be here.” Cole promised him.

“Thanks.” Drake said with a sincere smile before Rose walked into the kitchen.

“I hope you don’t mind me just inviting myself to the wake it’s just my mother worked for your father and something inside me told me I should be here.” Rose said to Drake. “I’m guessing your Paul Halliwell’s son Drake, right?”

“Correct and no you’re more than welcome here.” Drake replied to her before walking over and shaking her hand. “Who was your mother?”

“Patience Craft although she just went by Patty.” Rose answered her.

“Oh my…Patty Craft…are you Penny or Rose?” Drake wondered, knowing this girl in front of him was another charmed one as they broke off their handshake. “I’m really sorry for your loss too my dad said Patty was an amazing woman.”

“I’m Rose and yeah my mum was a really amazing woman.” Rose agreed.

“Yeah she really was.” Penny said as she too walked into the kitchen before walking over to shake Drake’s hand. “Again, sorry for the intrusion but I felt like I kind of needed to be here too.”

“Wish you had told me, so I didn’t have to get a flight solo.” Rose mumbled to herself.

“It’s no problem…stay and enjoy the food and drink in the dining room.” Drake told Penny as he broke off their handshake. “I just need to go and greet everyone.”

“Drake I think now would be as good a time as ever.” Cole suggested to the Halliwell hybrid.

“Not now Cole.” Drake replied.

“Drake…” Cole began to say.

“I said not now!” Drake snapped at him.

“Actually, I don’t want to be rude but there is something I’d like to talk to you about regarding my mother’s death.” Penny butted in. “You see I never believed it was some mysterious case of spontaneous combustion I mean I’m a detective and I like cold hard evidence and there was just none until recently.”

“What do you mean until recently?” Drake wondered.

“I believe whatever killed my mother killed your father and aunt too and it may kill you if you don’t allow me to help you.” Penny revealed much to Drake, Rose and Cole’s shock.

“Well I guess my showing up here to ask questions about a baby blanket is a lot less rude now.” Rose admitted before turning to Penny. “Way to go sis.”

“Well she’s not exactly wrong…” Cole stated.

“I really didn’t want to do this here and now, but you’ve given me no other choice.” Drake said before taking a deep sigh. “Your mother was adopted my father was her biological brother and they were witches.”

“Hold up did you just say witches?” Rose asked Drake. “My mum was into that hocus pocus stuff no offence or anything.”

“That’s because she never knew she was a witch and her powers were bound.” Cole explained to Rose.

“You can’t seriously expect us to believe this.” Penny said to Drake.

“What kind of witch?” Rose wondered.

“The strongest kind a Halliwell and you both are the strongest type of Halliwell witches.” Drake continued to reveal to the two stunned sisters. “Your charmed ones.”

“Well this day just got interesting!” Rose admitted with excitement in her eyes.

“You can’t seriously be believing this?” Penny snapped at her younger sister before turning to look at Drake. “I’m sorry clearly you’re distraught and grieving right now I’ll come back in a few days.”

“It always leads to show and tell before anyone starts believing.” Drake said as he grabbed a hold of Penny and Rose. “Don’t worry it took me a lot to believe this too.”

“Hey,” Cole said just before Drake blinked out of sight with the two sisters. “Just leave me on my own why don’t you?”

“You’ve got to stop following me before I have to vanquish your ass!” Parker warned Quinn after he walked into his bedsit within L.A to find Quinn stood there waiting for him.

“Listen your aunt Paige is already pissed with me for even contacting you so please just hear me out.” Quinn pleaded with Parker.

“Okay,” Parker sighed as he closed the door behind him. “You have five minutes, but I mean five minutes and five minutes only.”

“Have you ever been in love?” Quinn asked him.

“Yes, but I don’t see why that’s any of your business or what it’s got to do with why you’re here?” Parker wondered.

“Drake’s the love of my life actually the love of both my lives and he’s been through so much as you were already informed I’ve watched him fight for happiness over the last three years and I’ve been as much a cause as anyone to why it’s always out of his reach.” Quinn explained to the runaway Halliwell. “Paul would never want this life for his son…you must’ve been deeply struggling with everything when you walked away from it all but you see Drake can’t do that, no Drake won’t do that unless he knows there’s someone else to take his place in the power of three.”

“I get that I do I wish there was a power of three back then too but there wasn’t…I lost a lot before I walked away…my sister, my mother and then my father.” Parker responded with a heartbroken look across his face. “We could’ve used the charmed ones, but they were dead, and I did what I had to do.”

“And you did the right thing!” Quinn told him. “Just like becoming the charmed ones alongside Patience’s daughters would be the right thing.”

“He’s right sweetie!” Piper said after appearing out of nowhere. “We granted your wish to stay away after everything we even enlisted Paul’s son instead of you or Patience for the charmed ones because we had no clue if Patience was even alive and we wanted to respect your wishes.”

“Patience is alive?” Parker asked in shock.

“Not anymore.” Quinn reluctantly told him.

“The point is we did what you wanted us to do each time because you needed time to heal but now it’s Drake’s turn and we need you back.” Piper told Parker as she walked towards her grandson. “We have missed you so much, I have missed you so much please come back to us and let your second cousin find some peace. We’re not saying it has to be forever if you don’t want to be, but we’d really like to have you back especially me.”

“I’ve missed you Grams.” Parker admitted with tears in his eyes before Piper rushed over to hug her grandson.

“So, your telling us we have powers?” Rose asked Drake while she, Drake and Penny stood in the attic of the Halliwell Manor.

“Don’t believe him Rose this is clearly some crazy trick he’s pulling to cover up what really happened to our mother.” Penny told her sister.

“Your mother was killed by a demon simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and I know this won’t bring you much comfort but we vanquished the demon that killed her well more my father’s girlfriend did.” Drake revealed to them both. “We didn’t know it then, but Patty was my father and aunt’s sister who was kidnapped at birth.”

“So, now your saying our grandparents are kidnappers?” Penny snapped at the Halliwell hybrid.

“Not your adoptive grandparents no but your biological grandfather our biological grandfather was.” Drake explained to them both. “He thought he was protecting her just like my father did when he gave me up but the truth is this is a wicked world and being in the know about how truly terrible it is, is the only way to stay alive.”

“Way to go on selling the whole witch thing by the way.” Rose joked. “Although I’m still intrigued by the previously mentioned powers.”

“Yeah that’s what got me at first too.” Drake laughed at the younger Craft sister.

“We don’t have powers I mean I’ve lived my entire life without powers and so has my sister I think we’d noticed if we had powers, I mean I’m a detective and I’m good at my job.” Penny argued with him.

“If you’re good at your job then you’ll notice there’s a whole lot of unsolved cases just like your mother’s which are truly unexplainable or rather were unexplainable until I gave you the answer right now.” Drake stated.

“Okay…if we’re witches what are our powers?” Penny asked him.

“Well I have telekinesis and astral projection the later came to me later in life after I bound my white lighter side.” Parker revealed to Penny and Rose as he walked into the attic of the Halliwell Manor with Quinn quickly following behind him. “Which must mean one of you has molecular immobilization and the other has the power of premonition.”

“What exactly is molecular immobilization?” Rose asked the room. “I mean premonition is self-explanatory but…”

“It’s basically freezing molecules like objects people and things.” Drake and Penny said in unison before looking at each other awkwardly.

“Okay so if any of this is real how do we get these so-called powers?” Penny questioned.

“From what I remember being told we all just need to hold hands.” Parker told her.

“Hold up what does he mean by we all?” Drake asked Quinn.

“I may have broken a few rules to find and locate Parker with a lot of help from Raven so he could take your place as a charmed one so you could finally be free to be happy.”  Quinn answered as he walked over to Drake. “I finally put you first just like you wanted me too.”

Drake had no words to respond to Quinn’s amazing kindness but he didn’t need words as he pulled Quinn in for a long and passionate kiss while Parker walked over and grabbed a hold of Penny and Pan’s hands as Drake and Quinn continued to kiss each other passionately the blue light appeared above the three new charmed ones as they look up towards it with pure awe.

“Hold up if he’s getting out of this does this mean this whole charmed thing is optional?” Penny asked Rose and Parker before being hushed by Rose.

Trinity Banks the socialite prisoner found herself sleeping in the bottom bunk having to listen to the lady on the top bunk snore away much to her frustration before beginning to attack the bed upwards and screaming in a pure fit of frustration before attempting to cover the pillow over her face only to suddenly feel the pillow pushed down on her as she began to shake viciously and try to pull the pillow off her before it was removed only for her to be left horrified to see Cole Turner stood above her in her cell holding the pillow in question.

“Who the bloody hell are you?” She shouted at him. “You almost killed me you psychopath.”

“You mean like you ordered someone to murder Pan and Paul Halliwell.” Cole replied to her.

“Oh, great your another one of the good annoying little witches.” Trinity moaned as she stood up from her bed. “Go ahead and put another sentence on top of my sentence and then I’ll just get you killed too.”

“Yeah I’m neither good nor bad.” Cole said as he grabbed Trinity by the neck and lifted her body in the air, choking the socialite. “I’m more in the grey-scale and I believe in hurting those who’ve hurt people I care about.”

Trinity’s body quickly caught fire the flames burning her quickly as she began screaming in pain before her body exploded much to Cole’s delight.

“So, where do you go from here?” Parker asked Drake as he walked into Drake’s bedroom to find him finishing packing his bag and putting it over his shoulder.

“Anywhere but here I guess I can’t thank you enough for everything you’re doing Parker.” Drake thanked him as he walked over to Lilah’s cot and picked her up. “I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done if I had to stick around here.”

“You would’ve stuck around and the got job done because that’s what we do in this family even if it breaks us.” Parker replied. “This way you can go and do whatever you want to do you get to be with your daughter and you get to try your hand at being happy.”

“Happy,” Drake laughed as he put Lilah into her pram and began clipping her in. “I don’t think I even remember what happy is.”

“I’m guessing happy starts with that hot elder who has this dork thing going for him.” Parker joked.

“He is hot in the dorkiest way possible right?” Drake agreed. “He’s an elder and although he came through for me today that was a onetime thing.”

“That kiss didn’t look like a one-time thing.” Parker told his second cousin. “It’s been a long time since somebody kissed me like that, and it was never a one-time thing when they did.”

“Boy or girl?” Drake wondered.

“I’m strictly a man only kind of man you?” Parker answered.

“I prefer the best of both worlds.” Drake replied to the newly returned Halliwell. “Are you sure you going to manage the power of three with them two? I mean Rose will probably love this life but Penny she’s going to be a hard sell probably even harder a sell than I was.”

“I’ve got this don’t worry besides I got to go out to the big bad world solo and now I’m back it’s your turn.” Parker told him as Drake placed himself behind the buggy, placing his hands on the handles. “What are you going to do about your job at Magic School?”

“I’m taking a sabbatical until I decide what me and the little one are doing next but I’m going to have a lot of fun working that out first I think Disneyland is the first thing I’m going to do.” Drake admitted to his cousin. “Then maybe travel the world a little I’ve got grandparents in Miami who are always pestering me for a visit especially since Lilah was born…as stupid as it sounds, I think I’m going to find myself.”

“That doesn’t sound stupid at all.” Parker responded with a smile. “Good luck Drake Black-Halliwell I’m sure we’ll see you again someday.”

“Yeah maybe you will goodbye cousin.” Drake replied before blinking out of sight with his daughter.

Many Years Ago

“He’s going to be alright Eve he’s going to live a great and wonderful life.” Pan told Eve as she walked out of her front door of the Halliwell Manor and sat down on the doorstep next to her demonic girlfriend. “It’s going to be hard for a while, but we’ll all get through this the knowledge of him getting to go somewhere else and be far away from all this is what will make us feel that tiniest bit less sad.”

“Yeah your right I know you are it’s just I’d love to be a part of that wonderful life of his.”  Eve cried as she hugged into Pan. “I really hope he’s going to be okay.”

“He’s going to be more than okay he’s going to be truly magnificent.” Paul said as he appeared at the front door.

[roominthecastle]

Hey Room! Thanks for replying to my Q. But if Illya was that lovesick for Katarina since he was 6, doesn’t it give a stench of classic transference to the Red/Liz dynamic? Like, Illya couldn’t get Kat, so he sees her daughter as his second chance . . . with Kat really. Liz was supposed to be the woman Red “loved and lost” in Cape May, but if Red = Illya, then that description must apply to both girls.

I would see it as such if Red chose to whisper Kat’s name as his final word, or a memory of her flashed across his mind before his impending almost execution, or if he talked about her as the woman he loved/his heart/his life. But it’s always clearly Liz, there isn’t even a touch of ambiguity to this. If he still harbored feelings for Kat, they should have surfaced in these key moments but they didn’t. His past relationship w/ Kat has an influence here, I don’t deny that, but I don’t believe Red sees Liz as a replacement or consolation prize. He sees her as her own person, and if he fell for Liz, he fell for Liz bc she fits his type just like all the other women he has fancied before – 99.9% of whom were not her mother. He’s loved before but not the way he loves Liz now.

And I should have worded my response better re: the lovesick puppy thing bc I don’t think he’s been in love w/ Kat since they were 6 or that it’s some sort of guiding constant in his life. They likely lived separate lives on different continents, for starters, and she wasn’t interested in him that way. And I mentioned somewhere else how I see an inconsistency in his attachment to Kat in “Rassvet”: he isn’t devastated when he thinks she committed suicide, at least nowhere near as affected as he was by Liz’s death, which undercuts the whole selfless lover-hero image that seemingly follows soon after she comes out of hiding to ask for his help. There are no hurt feelings, no stinging sense of betrayal in the way he interacts w/ Kat (it’s almost like “oh, you’re back, good, wanna make out?”), yet it was all there after Liz came back from the dead, which already suggests different depths of emotional involvement.

Ilya’s repeated insistence to honor a pledge he made when he was 6 is the takeaway in “Rassvet”, imo. “My word is my bond” and “loyalty above all else” are still the most important guiding principles in Red’s life (both in business and personal relationships), and this is also what Ilya – or through Ilya, Dom – kept emphasizing as the only reason to help Kat. Treating a childhood promise as a serious, binding contract is a very Red thing, imo. How much actual “in love-ness” went with it remains to be seen since this is Dom’s version of the story and Red is clearly not happy w/ it.

But this signature compulsion is there in Red’s relationship w/ Liz, too. He promised her to keep her alive and safe, to give her the life she longs for, and he is not stopping until he succeeds but he also has his own agenda unfurling in the backdrop of their relationship. So he pledged himself to Liz, too. This compulsive aspect of the “lovesick puppy act” is what I think these two dynamics have in common, that’s why I said that Ilya’s behavior around Kat fits w/ how Red behaves today. This super intense loyalty to a select few stems from who Ilya/Red is as a person at his core, and it’s independent from romantic/sexual feelings but it’s easy to confuse/conflate the two, esp if one is young(er) and/or lonely like Ilya/Red was ~30 years ago.

And all this naturally brings something James once said to mind:

“I think in life, people have this confusion about love. We all want to fall in love so badly that we are almost willing to lie to ourselves, to force ourselves into believing that we are in love when we aren’t. It’s too bad, because in so doing, we cheapen it. I don’t think we recognize the depth of the emotion at all. It’s entirely transformative and we think of it as a blurb on a Hallmark card. When you’re in love, you can’t control it. It’s when you can’t take charge of what you feel, when you are completely powerless in the face of the emotion. When it happens, it happens in spite of you.” [x]

In “Rassvet” Ilya is, in fact, taking charge and Dom emphasizes this by calling him “the architect of this charade”. He gets himself transformed as part of a deliberate plan, a power move, he came up with and had to talk Kat into. Liz, however, is unintentionally yet inescapably transforming him in ways he is 100% unable to control, and she is transforming him back to who he used to be (a lá Beauty and the Beast). She tears right through every design he’s ever come up with, zigs when he zags, and lands him in the most insane situations he had no intention of ending up in (most recently: the execution chamber).

So the first part of the quote above feels more Ilya/Kat atm, and the last bit is 100% what I see when I look at Red and Liz’s relationship and, perhaps not by accident, that last bit is also what made it into actual canon dialog btw Red and Liz, and it’s been repeatedly stated how only Liz can render Red powerless and how she is his kryptonite. Liz.

So I don’t think Ilya/Red truly felt for Kat in the past what he – in spite of himself – ended up feeling for Liz in the present (true, all-consuming love). But he follows the same “my word is my bond” principle in both dynamics.

I can def see him being irritated by how Dom chose to reduce his relationship w/ Kat to some sanitized fairytale, but I still don’t think Dom believed that lying through his teeth was the way to dispense closure here. It’s Dom who warns Red at the end of S5 that Liz is never gonna stop digging for his true identity, then again tells him that she was gonna find out sooner or later anyway, so he did Red a favor by ripping off that band-aid. Liz was desperate to know Red’s real identity and Dom gave it up, hoping/thinking it would be a small price to pay for a way forward. Dom himself is sick and tired of secrets and hiding, living that way has cost him so much already and he knows nothing good ever comes from it, so I don’t think that heaping full-on lies on this issue was his go-to move here. I could be wrong, of course, but for now, I am rolling w/ “most of what Dom said he believes/assumes to be true but stuff was omitted that will end up re-framing things once they are revealed”.

But nothing (potentially) traumatizing was revealed here? things Red wanted to keep from Liz were revealed and he clearly did not like it or the way Dom chose to tell it, but “I know you used to be Ilya who made a huge sacrifice to protect my mother and me” is not quite in the same league as “I know you killed Sam” or “I know I killed my father” as far as devastating revelations go. I think Red’s reaction matched that + he was also still fuming and hurting from the confirmation of her most recent betrayal, so that’s also coloring his response and mood here, imo, making him so tightly wound that only a few twitches escape as he listens to her.

That smartass Popeye remark was not his immediate response, it’s not a response to “I know you’re Ilya”. It’s a deflection that comes when she – sensing an obvious hole in the story – starts questioning why he kept Reddington’s identity once the alleged reason of taking it on was satisfied. That’s when he says, “I am what I am. … Popeye the Sailor Man.” to avoid the topic bc – imo – now she is truly close to knowing everything and he needs to stall to figure out how to handle this entirely new playing field.

I think his reaction to her at the end of “Rassvet” is a unique mix – previous methods of (now half-hearted) deflection w/ an undercurrent of surprise, fear, anger, uncertainty + a touch of “you disappoint yet impress” he also voiced at the end of S5.

[opallene]

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

So... This might be little known about me, but I was deeply into the Toy Story fandom (such as it is/was) back when Toy Story 3 came out in 2010.  Yes, I saw the original films as a child in theaters, and yes, Toy Story 3 shattered and wildly surpassed any expectations I might have had going in.  It was immediately, and I believe still is, my favorite film.  Period.  My love for Toy Story 3 is many layers deep.  I’ve produced fanfiction (the latter of which has suddenly aged poorly in some respects with the introduction of TS4!) and a carefully curated fanmix that I am still very proud of and still enjoy myself in regular rotation.

So now I’ve seen Toy Story 4.  It was certainly a good movie, and also certainly an entertaining entry in the Toy Story saga.  Did it live up to its predecessor?  No, it didn’t, but I didn’t necessarily expect it to, because that would be a very difficult feat to accomplish at this point.  But it had some very strong narrative points, which I’ll attempt to dissect and discuss.

Spoilers for Toy Story 4 ahead.

The thing is - Even though each entry in the series was probably written to be “final” at the time, TS3 brought a level of narrative closure and completeness that the previous films hadn’t.  3 made a perfect trilogy.  The end of TS3 led everyone to a metaphorical life-after-life.  Their struggles (literally to hell and back) complete, they could finally relax and be their truest selves, “into the wild blue yonder.”

Maybe I was forgetting that every film was actually very much about Woody, and that there were still lessons he could learn (and thereby teach the audience).  By the end of TS3, Woody had finally overcome his laserlike loyalty to a particular person -- But, we now realize, not his loyalty to his “career,” and to his very rigid ideas about how to perform that function.

(1) Single-child “Ownership”.  This idea has been out there throughout the series -- Either you’re an “owned” toy belonging to a particular person, or you’re “lost” (with a generally negative connotation, up until now).  This distinction has been drawn in especially black-and-white terms by Woody himself, while the other toys have been open to a gray area in the middle (e.g. Sunnyside Daycare, TS3).  In TS4, Woody is challenged to consider the extreme other end from his position - and lo and behold, he experiences firsthand the merits of it (namely, charitable work to enable other toys to live out their purpose) and decides it’s a shift in thinking that he can live with.  By the end of the film - radical character growth accomplished.

(2) Leadership means always being in charge.  This was made plain in the beginning of the film.  It’s difficult for Woody to fit in when there’s already an established leader, and he just can’t take orders.  He continues to act erratically (listening to his “inner voice” and acting on what he thinks is best) throughout the movie.  When he’s really out of his element (and his solitary efforts fail), Bo Peep is the only one who succeeds in “leading” him.  Woody finally learns to take a back seat when there’s an expert around.

Did Woody make the right decision at the end of the film?  For purely personal (sob sob sob) reasons, I want to say “WHAT, how could they?!”  For narrative reasons, I’ll resoundingly say Yes.  For all the talk Woody has done about the cycle of childhood, “Watching them grow up and then go on to do other things that you never get to see,” and so on, Woody himself has been stuck in a childlike mode perpetually.  Now, he has finally gotten to mature.

Exhibit A: He experiences a genuine (romantic) peer-to-peer connection and eventually throws himself into investing in it.  I’ve always seen the toy-child relationship as a deified one; a duty that must be done; the only way to Know your Creator, religious overtones and all that.  Personally, as a nonreligious person, I am rejoicing inside more than I thought possible to see Woody finally free himself from that dogmatism and to put some focus on an equal, of-his-own-world partnership.  He’s broadened his horizons in terms of the types of love that are out there to be had.

Exhibit B: He learns a new type of altruism that is completely non-self-serving (unless you count the positive emotion of gratification as self-serving, but that’s a whole other argument to be had).  Let’s face it: Pretty much everything Woody has ever done up until now has been fairly transparently self-serving, even when it’s under the guise of altruism.  He is even called out for it point-blank by Bo in this movie.  (Yess!)  I’m actually very impressed with how the whole “voice box transfer” went down.  Gabby started out as your conventional villain, but all it took was an appeal to logic to obtain Woody’s willing participation.  Woody was at a vulnerable place emotionally, but I do not believe he was ultimately taken advantage of.  Gabby’s logic was accurate and convincing.  Organ donation is by definition one of the most selfless things a person can do.  After donating his non-essential voicebox, Woody goes on to witness new life breathed into another (and, that person doing what she was meant to do) as a direct result of his gift.  In the end, Woody stays on with Bo Peep and the others to perform more “matchmaking” acts of getting toys together with children.  The thing that Woody can no longer do himself, he can go on to pay forward through others and make a greater impact in that way.  Ultimately, this is how I now see and accept that Toy Story 3 didn’t have to be the end, much as it seemed it should be at the time.

And plus, I like crying at movies.  If I’m crying, it means they did something right.

There was one thing that kinda bothered me.  As "good with toys” as Bonnie was supposed to be, she really cast Woody aside.  Even when Woody and Forky both went missing together, there was nary a mention of Woody’s absence.  Brutal.  I understand why they had to do this -- to drive Woody’s emotional crisis, to further establish that he really wasn’t needed in his current post and to free him to choose his own path at the end.  Also, kids will be kids, and it’s realistic for a child to act that way.  Still.  Brutal. ;(

I was also disappointed not to see much of Buzz and Jessie’s romantic relationship in this movie (I fell for them, HARD, in TS3), but - This was Woody’s movie.  Woody’s and Bo Peep’s - It was their turn.  And you can be darn sure, I Felt the Feels.  Shout-out to the lighting and color storyboardist(s) for the entire ending sequence of the film.  It was perfect. :’)

The pace, at times, was also frenetic.  Being a toy has always been portrayed as a stressful existence, but in TS4 it felt like every-time-you-blink-augh-there-he-goes-again-I’m-stressed-out-by-all-the-constant-separation!!

In all, TS4 wasn’t as sweeping of a narrative as TS3, and the themes were nowhere near as universal.  It’s hard to beat themes of aging, becoming a burden, feeling your obsolescence, confronting your inevitable mortality (TS3) - And although TS4 obviously touched on the big theme “Why am I here?”, it seemed a little directionless in its execution of that.  Are we supposed to relate to Forky’s exhibiting constant suicidal tendencies until he’s taught there is a good reason for him not to be that way? (?)  Most living creatures, including humans, have an innate self-preservation instinct, and the will not to live arises under extenuating circumstances, so that didn’t particularly ring true to me.

Where TS4 really shone was in its treatment of Woody’s character specifically.  I was pleasantly surprised to see his character elevated another level.  There are lessons we can all learn here.  It was no TS3, but it was still quite solid and I’m sure it will be getting many of my repeated viewings!

Thanks for reading...Hit me up if you’d like to chat about Toy Story!

[pan-xichen]

Anyone else just ever think about how amazingly empathetic Keith really is and how Shiro was probably the only one for a long time that knew how much he really cared about others? Like "that's cold, Keith, even for you" is said by Hunk back in s1 when he suggests that they shouldn't go in guns blazing to save Allura when they were just talking about how they were nowhere near ready to take Zarkon on yet and no one corrects him (Shiro doesn't either but to be fair he probably felt like Allura getting captured was his fault and also he's been their prisoner before so he doesn't want anyone else to go through that again-- I'd talk about how Shiro is actually rather impulsive at times which is funny because Keith is "the impulsive one" and Shiro is "the responsible leader" in the beginning but this post was about Keith aaaand I'm rambling now whoops). Anyway Keith is incredibly empathetic and caring and it takes a while for people other than Shiro (especially Lance holy shit their relationship wasn't solidly friendly until the end of s6) to clue into the fact that he's a really good person which is probably because he just... didn't talk to anyone outside of friendly discussions and that makes me so emotional.

I think Allura interestingly enough was one of the first people to realize that, specifically when she watched him and Shiro holding each other before they went off on their separate missions and had this look of surprise on her face like she was confused as to how Shiro could be so accepting of him when he was part galra and the galra had hurt him so badly because like... if Keith was really so bad then why was Shiro so affectionate with him? And then Hunk as well kinda realized this, although, he did tell Keith that turning galra made him a better person when Keith had already been a good person before he learned that he was part galra, but I chalk that up to Hunk being Lance's friend and Lance having some bad misconceptions about Keith at the start of the series.

Like... it still blows me away to think about how much Keith actually cares. In s1 when they were fighting Zarkon despite him having said it was a bad idea he took him on one-on-one, in s2 on Olkarion he barely knew those people but when he saw what their king was really up to he just outright went Off at him, we see time and again how important Shiro is to him in that he was even willing to give up the one connection he had to his past so Shiro didn't have to fight three whole galra just to help him keep it AND he spent countless time scouring the universe for any sign of him in s3 after his disappearance, he leaves the team entirely because he believes Shiro is a better leader and wants them to succeed despite probably wanting to be with them anyway and nearly rams himself into a force field so everyone won't die in s4, is willing to sacrifice himself and the mission to prevent Kuron (who be believed was Shiro) and Lotor (who he had previously been fighting against) from getting hurt in s5, in s6 when he comes back he goes after Shiro when he's betrayed them because he knows something's wrong and nearly fell to his death because he couldn't leave him behind even after the clone had attacked him, in s7 he stayed at Shiro's side while he was struggling to stay alive and tried to keep everyone going when they were trapped outside of their lions, and I didn't watch s8 because it doesn't exist but even when the war is over (as much as I despise the epilogue) he continues to help people and make a difference because he just cares. that. much about others. He's so selfless and kind and I can't get over how well written he was. Like... he canonically has stronger emotions than people usually do because he's part galra but I think that's also just part of who he is. I kinda headcanon him as highly sensitive (maybe I'm projecting just a wee bit because I am also highly sensitive) as well because of how intensely he feels emotions. This post is already too long but god I fucking love Keith with my ENTIRE heart.