#Soliloquy

[godsjaws]

the only vlogs i care about are patti smith's video updates on her substack

[hardoncaulfield]

If I have to see one more post about that fucking gay firefighter cop show I'll fucking explode

[menacingpolkamusic]

I'm bigender which means I defend either binary gender when I feel it's warranted

[sshivangeee]

~ dialogue ~

I hate them. I hate the all.

(You don’t. You never will.)

It is my fault. It was all my fault.

(It wasn’t. It isn’t anyone’s)

I should’ve known.

(You couldn’t have.)

Nobody cares.

(You don’t let them.)

It doesn’t even matter.

(It does. More than you acknowledge.)

I don’t care about it anymore.

(You so do, love.)

I’m gonna get through this.

(That love, you very well will.)

[marejadilla]

Keita Morimoto | 森本啓太, "Soliloquy", 2022, acrylic and oil on linen. B. 1990 Osaka, Japan. Based in Tokyo and Toronto.

[oodelally3]

[evilhorse]

I can’t believe I’m the one saying it…but the world needs a Justice League.

(Absolute Power #4)

[eliamongthelilies]

got a date for my first visit at an endo - feb 11th.

trying to just rejoice in the fact that i have a set date to look forward to, rather than dwell in the sadness at the thought that it's in almost 5 months

[godsjaws]

got a really bad sore throat so i won't be able to attend the molchat doma concert :/

[hardoncaulfield]

Re-reading Jane Eyre and it's making me so angry! Helen Burns is like 'it's good and right to endure institutional abuse without complaint.' Girl! What the fuck?!

[menacingpolkamusic]

Is Transmisogyny Killing Trans Women of Color? is an excellent essay. Extremely healing, my plants are watered, my skin is clear.

[beyond-thedark]

MAKING DECISION

September 22nd, 2024 • Life is a winding path, a journey marked by countless crossroads. Each step forward brings me closer to another choice, another moment where the weight of the world seems to balance on the edge of a single decision. How many times have I stood here, staring down both roads, knowing that whichever path I take, the other will forever remain a mystery? or which decision I shall be happy to make or, perhaps, I shall regret?

It is easy to choose when the stakes are low, when the consequences seem insignificant. But what of those decisions that shape me, of what I will become? These are the choices that haunt me, the ones that whisper in the quiet of night, reminding me that every decision carries a cost. The hardest decisions are not marked by clarity but by uncertainty. They demand more than logic, more than reason. They require the courage to face the unknown, to accept that once I choose, there is no turning back.

Life, in all its complexity, is nothing more than a collection of choices—a constant dance between risk and safety. There is comfort in playing it safe, in choosing the well-worn path where the risks are few and the outcomes predictable. Safety is like a warm embrace, a shield from the storms that rage just beyond the horizon. But what is a life lived in safety alone? Is it truly living, or merely existing within the confines of fear?

Then there is risk - the gamble with the promise of something more. To take a risk is to stand at the edge of possibility, to step forward into the darkness, trusting that I will either find solid ground or learn to fly. It is the thrill of the new, the excitement of the unexplored, the belief that life’s greatest rewards lie just beyond the reach of certainty.

But with risk comes the possibility of failure, of falling into the abyss with nothing to catch me. And so, I am torn, caught between the safety of the familiar and the allure of the unknown. How often have I stood at this crossroads, paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice? How many opportunities have slipped through my fingers because I clung too tightly to what was safe?

While I am thinking, life does not wait for me to decide. It moves forward, relentless, demanding that I choose—risk or safety, boldness or caution. And in the end, it is not the choice itself that defines me, but the courage to make it. For in every decision, whether I take the leap or hold back, I am shaping my own destiny. To live is to choose, and in choosing, I become who I am meant to be.

So, I stand here once more, at the threshold of a decision, the weight of the world pressing down. But this time, I know that whatever I choose, I will own it fully, knowing that life’s greatest adventure lies in the choices I dare to make.

Quillography

[ol-jericho-styx]

*After Marius leaves, Jericho curls up into a ball and attempts to ignore the tempting voice in his mind. Unwilling and sad croaks come from him as the scarecrow attempts to hold on*

*This goes on for hours until Virgil finds him*

Are you ready, Jericho?

,,,,i suppose i am,,,

*A familiar amber key is placed in his lap*

*The tremors get worse. The crow disappears.*

,,,,,Pazuzu,,,

*Abyssal shrieks ring out*

,,,,,,Pazuzu,,,,

*Jerichos hands shake. The shrieking coming from his own body gets louder.

*He steadies himself*

PAZUZU

*The remainder of the demon king of lies bursts from the scarecrows chest*

*The shining amber key is plunged deep into the beast and is locked away for good this time*

*Jericho Styx and Virgil Zurn fall back onto the forest clearing, exhausted*

Well done, Jericho.

,,,,thank you, Virgil,,,

*Fate has been made right*

[guided-by-stars]

I could talk about aroaspecness for one million years I think.

[jemwhomstdve]

Gunita sa Nakaraan

Bagong yumao ang aming Lolo Jose at kinailangan ‘kong umalis ng Bulacan para makalimot sa mga nangyari no’ng nakaraang buwan. Nagsimula akong humanap ng kalinga sa labas ng tahanan dahil mahirap tumayo mag-isa at unting galaw sa pamilya ay guguho ang lahat.

Unang labas kasama ang isang estranghero, lagpas isang buwan pagkatapos ng halos dalawang taong bigong relasyon. Hinatid niya ako sa labas ng condo sa Quezon City lagpas curfew (ni Achi, na kapareho ‘ko’y bigo rin sa halos limang taong relasyon) ng alas siyete ng gabi. Hindi alam ng Achi na lumabas ako no’ng araw na ‘yon para kumita ng hindi ‘ko gaanong kakilalang tao, ngunit nakauwi naman ako nang matino at buo.

“Ika-4 ng Nobyembre, Taon 2021

U.P. Town Center, Katipunan

[Achi calling…]

[R]: Ihatid na kita sainyo.

[J]: Ah okay lang. Kaya ‘ko na. I’ll walk.

[R]: Walk? Sa’n ka ba?

[J]: Sa condo. Sa harap ng Ateneo.

[R]: Ha? Anlayo! Ayaw mo mag-taxi? Hatid na kita.

[J]: Nahh, ayaw. Malapit lang ‘yon. And I like walking.

[R]: Oh, edi samahan na lang kita maglakad.

[J]: Sure ka? Hahaha.

[R]: Oo. Ako din, I like walking. Plus nagpaalam naman ako kay Lola for the date so they don’t mind if late ako makauwi.

[J]: Alright, if you say so.

Perhaps, he didn’t like walking. It’s just that I like walking so he walked me home.

In front of the *redacted* Condominium

[J]: So, I guess that sums it up? Hahaha.

[R]: Wait lang. Can I hug you? I think kailangan mo rin haha!

[J]: Haha okay sige.

We hugged. I badly needed that hug. He was right.

[J]: Thank you for the day, Mech. Engg. Pres. [R]. See you soon.

He let go of the hug. He held my waist and removed his face shield. I caught a glimpse of his glistening brown eyes along with the streetlights. Then, he gently spoke.

[R]: Magsabi ka lang ha kung kailangan mo ng kausap? I got u. Dami mong pinagdaanan lately. I hope I helped u to feel better. You deserve the best. I really hope maging okay ka na soon.

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do as that was my first time having a physical contact after my ex. It was foreign but so gentle. I was handled with care unlike…heh. I knew I’ll remember it for a lifetime.

[J]: I will. Thank you, [R].

[R]: Ihatid na rin kita sa door, you want?

[J]: Nah. Okay na.

He let go of me. We bid our goodbyes and parted ways. I suppose he wanted to give me a goodbye kiss but I had my face shield on hahaha!“

Lumipas ang maraming buwan at maraming responsibilidad ang dumating. Hindi nagbago ang katauhan ‘ko. Walang iba. Minsanang catch up, madalang na kamustahan. Unibersidad. Organisasyon. Akademiya. Trabaho. Wala masyadong pagbabago ngunit unti-unti muling nabubuo ang pagkatao dahil ang pilosopiya ng isang taong gaya ‘ko ay walang panahon na dapat sinasayang.

Pagtungtong ng panibagong taon ay nagbabadyang eleksyon sa aming pamantasan. Bilang pinakabata sa konseho, hinikayat muli akong tumakbo sa upuan ng mga estudyante, lalo na graduating students. Pangulo. Campus-wide. Ngunit, inisip ‘kong magpahinga kahit papa’no dahil kailangan ‘kong nilayin ang lahat ng nawala sa akin—sa personal na aspeto—at unahin ang sariling pangangailangan—ang gamutin ang sarili upang tuluyang maging produktibo at masaya sa pag-iral sa mundo. Tumakbo ako, ngunit sa kolehiyo lamang upang hindi mabilis maubos. Liban dito ay umendorso rin ako ng mga kandidato ng Partido Lakas ng Masa sa Bulacan leg para sa Nasyonal na Eleksyon. Ito ay tawag ng hanay, responsibilidad panlipunan na mula pa man noon ay pinanghahawakan ‘ko na bilang prinsipyo. Samantalang si [R] naman ay tumugon rin sa prinsipyo at nag-endorso ng kandidato base sa kaniyang ideolohiya habang nagp-plano ng internship. Magkaiba kami ng paniniwala, ngunit pareho kaming may rason at pinaglalaban, at isa ‘yon sa mga nagustuhan ‘ko sakanya—may prinsipyo, may dahilan, may pinanghahawakan. Nagsabi rin sya’ng baka lumipad siya ng dalawang buwan pa-Australia pagkatapos ng graduation upang bumisita sa kaniyang ina.

Buwan ng Marso, binigyan ‘ko sya ng RSVP para sa 20th birthday ‘ko. Isang pulong sa Abril na hiniling ‘ko sanang makasama siya dahil isa siya sa dahilan kung bakit patuloy akong umiiral sa mundo. Humingi siya ng tawad dahil sasakto sa internship. Babawi na lang daw sya. Mag-celebrate na lang daw kami nang mas maaga.

“Ika-4 ng Abril, Taon 2022

Saktong anim na buwan magmula no’ng unang date. Na-late ako dahil mula ako sa Bulacan. Sabi nya nga noon, kahit sa mas malapit na lugar na lang kami ngunit hindi ako nagpatinag. Maingat kasi ako magpakilala ng mga tao sa pamilya kaya hindi rin ako basta-basta nagdadala ng tao sa bahay. At isa pa, hindi rin naman s’ya nagsabi formally na aakyat s’ya ng ligaw.

Pagdating ‘ko sa mall ay hinanap ‘ko s’ya. Nasa Quantum daw siya. Pala-isipan sa akin kung bakit siya nasa arcade. Yun pala, tatlong oras na niyang sinusubukan sumungkit ng malaking stuffed toy.

[J]: Bakit sinusubukan mong sumungkit eh pwede naman tayong bumili?

[R]: Wala. Gusto ‘ko pinaghirapan ‘ko ibibigay ‘ko sayo.

[J]: Ay, para sa ‘kin ba? Haha!

Hardworking. He made sense. I took pride in it. I smiled proudly and teased him. He proceeded to bring out a small stuffed toy of Patrick the Star from his bag. He kept the one that he got first. Unfortunately, the stitch got ruined so he wanted a bigger one. Thus, three freakin’ hours of playing arcade lmao. He really planned to go earlier than the set time just for the stuffed toy hahaha. Other than that, he also brought out 2 small balls which made me think again.

[J]: Para sa’n naman yan?

[R]: Diba you have 3 dogs? For them. I was about to buy 3 but only 2 na lang left sa shelf. I’m sorry.

Again, he made my heart melt. What a thoughtful man. He never made me think twice about him caring for me. He was there on the hardest part of my life. He carried me throughout my pain and helped me heal. He showed me kindness and love when my world was full of chaos and I don’t have, even my heart, to offer. We may not have talked everyday but he never missed to check up on me whenever I need it. He sticked through thick and thin. He was there. I really thought, maybe he’s the one. Maybe it was him. God knows how easy my heart falls for a gentleman.

I thanked him and showed him my appreciation for thinking even about my dogs.

We proceeded to play inside the arcade and got food afterwards. While we were eating, we talked about the upcoming election.

[J]: Buti tatakbo si [his candidate] no?

[R]: True. Ewan ‘ko nalang kung anong mangyayari if di siya mananalo. Eh diba tatakbo din si [my candidate]?

[J]: Yup. Tatakbo sya haha!

[R]: Kung di tatakbo si [his candidate], si [my candidate] rin iboboto ‘ko eh.

[J]: Ako rin. If di tatakbo si [my candidate], si [his candidate] rin iboboto ‘ko haha!

We caught each other’s eyes and laughed out loud. Because we both get it. We didn’t have to fight. We may have different candidates and ideologies but we had the same goal: for a progressive country. We didn’t belong in the same university but we’re both politically-engaged people.

That day, we enjoyed it all. We both loved coffee so we proceeded to go to Tim Horton’s. After he got our coffee, he told me he’d give me his gift. (Yes, meron pa?!) He brought out a box of a Zippo lighter. That was my first lighter. It had a design: a flaming heart. He knew I was a smoker, due to stress and pressure. He told me if it runs out of gas, I can just bring it to the nearest mall to get it refilled.

Smoking isn’t healthy. But he knew I needed it. He never told me to stop. But he told me to take care of my health. It was ironic, but he said that at least whenever I’m stressed, I’d have a cool a lighter haha. In fact, that lighter became a symbolism to me—that there’s a light that never goes out. It became the light on my darkest days (since I only smoke when I cannot take life seriously anymore). Whenever I use it, I remember hope and kindness. It symbolized him. That was his mark in my life.

Before we parted ways, we bummed a few cigarettes though he no longer smokes. Again, we shared a thing that he doesn’t do but since he does it with me, he didn’t mind. And we knew we cannot meet any time soon again because the hectic schedule and priorities will not allow us. But we knew what we had. Not knowing the next few months would be filled with anxiety and passive arguments. But still, I held on.“

Lumipas muli ang oras, araw, linggo, at buwan nang hindi namamalayan. Patuloy pa rin ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Konting usap, minsanang away, send-an ng music para sa isa’t isa. Dumalang nang dumalang hanggang sa…tuluyan nang nawala.

“Ika-30 ng Disyembre, Taon 2022

[Liham]

Maniwala ka o hindi, kung tao ang kantang tahanan ng Munimuni, ikaw ‘yon sa pagkakataong ‘di ko inakala. Inalay ko ang Runaway ni Tiffany (1st date), Waltz of four left feet (2nd date), at Pahintulot (bilang tugon ‘ko at reassurance sa sinend mong Paninindigan kita ng Ben & Ben dahil busy season natin, campus election ‘ko at internship mo kaya hindi posibleng tumuloy ng 3rd date) ng Shirebound and Busking, at Sa susunod na habang buhay ng Ben & Ben (noong nalaman ‘kong meron nang iba).

Ang usapan, maghahanap ng oras kung kelan tayo pwede parehas. Naintindihan ‘ko naman lahat—sobra na rin sa ultimatum. Kaya, pasensya na kung hindi ako nakatugon no’ng panahong pwede ka—hindi ko rin kasi alam kung kaya ‘kong bumangon at mag-ayos para kitain ka. Kinailangan ‘kong unahin ang sarili ‘ko pagkatapos ng mahabang serbisyo sa mga estudyante at bayan. Alam mo namang kinailangan ako sa hanay—demokratikong sosyalistang aktibista, maraming kailangang paunlakan na pulong. Hindi ‘ko rin naman itinagong ang kahati sa pag-ibig ng isang Jemelee Pagay ay adbokasiya, lipunan, bayan, at sarili. Wala nang iba. Isang tahanan lang ang hanap ko, hindi subdivision.

At ikaw, alam ‘kong isa lang din naman ang hanap mo noon. Problema nga lang, hindi tayo pinagtagpo ng oras at pagkakataon pero okay lang, tanggap ‘ko yon. Kung anong mas pabor sa sitwasyon mo, doon ako. Naiintindihan ‘ko dahil…ang pagsintang hain ‘ko’y hindi makasarili bagkus ay malaya at mapagpalaya. Hindi mabilis kumupas, tulad ng titis, pilit nagniningas; kahit mabagal at matagalan, kaya pasensya na kung hindi natin kinaya ang bagal ng baga.

Matagal ‘ko na dapat ninilay ngunit kahit papa’no, hindi inabot ng panibagong taon. Panahon na upang buhusan ng tubig ang naghihingalong ningas. Bilang respeto rin sa kasalukuyan at pag-angkin muli sa kalayaan.

I’ll always cherish you, aking presidente [R]. Salamat sa pag-akay noong hindi ‘ko kaya mag-isa.

Mananatili akong rosas sa hardin ng digma—at ikaw, sa’n ka man maparoon, I’ll root for u, Engr. [R]. Hindi ‘ko malilimutan ang marahuyo mong mga mata sa ilalim ng mabituing langit sa Katipunan, sa bisig mong hiniling ‘kong makulong, at maingat mong pagtangan sa akin.

Ingat at padayon, aking liyag✊”

Ika-13 ng Setyembre, 2024

Yesterday, I saw the news. [R] just got engaged. It is the same girl he got in a relationship with after we let go of each other. It shocked me—like I’m really in that age that the people I loved before are getting engaged?! Nonetheless, I’m happy for him. I’ve always root for his happiness. Wholeheartedly. Though 2022 Jemelee would’ve thought differently on what’ll happen this year. But I know [R], people like him are easy to like. Easy to love. That guy is full of love and kindness. A compassionate and passionate one. And so funny(most important character)! That guy deserves the best :))) I gotta admit, I take care of myself now and don't let me get taken for granted as much as possible because that would be a disrespect from all the guidance he gave me. I know he'd hate to know if I let people walk all over me that's why I don't settle for less. He set the bar high that there were times I thought, maybe I took his love for granted. But then, red string theory, right? Fate. I prayed for his happiness back then, that he’d get taken care of whoever is after me, because his pure heart deserves it. And I’m glad God never fails to give love to those who deserve it. He didn’t make a mistake on blessing him this early to know who he gets to spend the rest of his life with. The people I loved and parted ways with may not know this, but their win are still my win. I wish them Irish blessings until the end.

And I hope, one day, my time to win comes too.

[wikiblair]

So I am listening presidental debate between Orange menace and Kamala Harris and that fucking orange is such liar my ears hurt. Come people, be reasonable.. I think I will have to turn this off before I loose my mind for good. (I defintely had to mute the part about abortions, because I fucking hate children so much I am for every choice to abort them and listening him speaking about that just hurts my ears way too much).