#Soliloquy

[menacingpolkamusic]

Feminine in a fag way, masculine in a dyke way

[hardoncaulfield]

A self help booklet on social anxiety had a list of 'negative images of yourself' and I don't know how I'm supposed to agree that this is a bad thing:

[guided-by-stars]

Siffrin deals with his anxieties (both rational and irrational) by performing rituals and compulsions. These rituals can become obsessive, especially in times of heightened stress, and often focus around either checking things, or numbers. They also deal with intrusive thoughts, with such frequency and intensity that it impacts their ability to function. Those...are all symptoms of OCD.

Let's define some terms, before we go into examples. What are obsessions in this context? This often refers to obsessive thoughts/anxieties/mindsets. These are prevalent, reoccurring, sometimes disturbing, often irrational fears. Intrusive thoughts are one example of this, though not all obsessions are intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are specifically unwanted and very distressing and often graphic thoughts or images in one's mind. An example of such is this:

Next, are compulsions and rituals. Compulsions are actions that one takes to break the obsession spiral. These either soothe the root fear (though usually temporarily), or quiet the disturbing thought or image. Rituals are "safe" compulsions, decided as such either by repetition or irrational logic. The wording that Siffrin uses when questioned about obsessive checking of pillars is as follows:

One of the most common mental justifications for compulsions is "But what if?". The perceived cost of performing a compulsion is often weighed as nothing against the potential of something truly awful happening. "What if?" carries a lot of weight for people dealing with OCD- often one knows that both the fears and the compulsions are irrational and logically one cannot control the Universe by tapping a certain amount of times on a table, checking for the tenth time if your alarm was set, or repeating a phrase multiple times in your mind. However, the weight of the potential fear is just so great that one cannot take the chance, even knowing that. This paradoxical position of both awareness and delusion that many with OCD have is called "OCD with insight" (1)

This post became....much longer than I planned, so the rest will be under the cut. Please read the rest though!!! There's so much more to it! ☆

The diagnostic criteria for OCD in the ICD (2) and the DSM (3) are relatively similar (though the DSM focuses a lot more on ruling out other causes for similar behavior like anxiety disorders and delusional disorders), and focus on the obsessions being self-sustaining and the rituals being often time consuming and frustrating to have to do. However, not all compulsions are even notable enough to the person to cause any frustration or discomfort, nor are all of them consciously done with any sort of logic behind them. It's quite common for people to perform compulsions without even having a reasoning for why (4).

Hey, weren't we talking about Siffrin ISAT? What's with all this research paper bullshit? Can't you just show me where in the game my blorbo shows signs of mental disorders???!?

Well, one example of rituals that Siffrin engages in is repeating phrases, either out loud or in their head. The number they tend to come back to, again and again, is three. This is shown when they are explaining Wish Craft, and despite the fact that the specific number of repetitions of your wish genuinely doesn't matter, just that it's repeated at all, they instinctively say to repeat your wish three times, before catching themselves and correcting their error.

...When Loop explains their Wish to Siffrin, they say it three times as well. "I wished it could be over. I wished I could get out of here. I wished for someone to help me."

Whenever Siffrin wants something to go right, throughout the game, he also almost always repeats his desired outcome three times.

It's a noticeable enough habit that his party members mention it, when in the trap room. They've noticed the ritualistic mumbling that he does whenever he wants something to go right.

It's not just when they want something to go right that they're doing it though. They repeat things three times when they're panicking, too, to calm themselves down. When they loop back after beating the king:

It's not even just thinking or saying things either, they take actions in threes too, to soothe themselves. After Kingquest:

You can see both thinking things in threes and acting in threes here. It's everywhere. If you look through the game again, you won't be able to help but notice how often they do things in threes.

Speaking of the coughing though, that's another one of the compulsions they do. Covering their mouth, coughing, gagging, they do all of those when trying to banish disturbing memories or thoughts from their mind.

After looping when refusing to try to say the name of their country when the King asks.

Notice again, they repeat "You know" three times. Like I said, you'll start seeing that EVERYWHERE now.

To note, if you try to say it once and try not to say it another time, you'll get this instead:

Three breaths, here.

I could go on, but I don't think I need to.

Another important factor when considering OCD is the need for control. People with OCD not only report a lower level of perceived control over their thoughts and actions, and not only tend to need a higher level of control than the average person to feel safe and comfortable, but also, the less control over their environment they have, the more that OCD symptoms often intensify. (5)

Siffrin is in a paradoxical position here, in regards to control. When they first realize they're in a timeloop, they're absolutely ESTATIC. The first bathroom break monologue exemplifies exactly WHY he's so euphoric at this point:

He's euphoric with CONTROL. No matter what happens, he can always try again. He's safe. He can keep everyone he loves safe. He has SO MUCH CONTROL.

When the illusion shatters, after he's dragged back when they beat the king, that's when he realizes how little control he actually has. Sure, he can decide when he loops (most of the time) but he can't decide to STOP looping. He's trapped. The more he tries to escape, the less control he seems to have (Eg, what happens to Bonnie). After that, we can see him start to have intrusive thoughts, engage in more ritualistic behavior, and end up in more unhealthy anxiety spirals.

...And, we see him lean into the little control he DOES have (looping) more. Any time he's in a stressful situation? Any time that the control he has over a situation starts slipping away? Is Bonnie yelling at him with tears in their eyes and telling him to die? Is Isabeau pulling away from their shaking grip on his collar? Is Odile confronting him on his suspicious behavior? Are things OUT OF CONTROL? ...Control is taken back. Forcefully. He can't handle loosing more control, not when he already feels so helpless and trapped.

Talking about the bathroom scenes, there's another one I want to point out. The first Friendquest run. It's the perfect example of delusional anxieties and compulsions used to quiet the distressing thought, rather than soothe them.

...Yeah.

Siffrin is suddenly overcome with the anxiety that the simple act of believing that his plan could work will somehow make it not come true anymore. This is an example of "magical thinking", or a belief that defies the scientific or culturally accepted laws of causality (eg. "If I step on a crack, my mother's back will break"). It's specifically an example of TAF, or "Thought-action fusion", which is the belief that one's mere thoughts can cause completely unrelated actions to happen in the real world. This is an essential part of how compulsions can genuinely relieve anxiety, and is actually one of the differences between those with other anxiety disorders and those with OCD. Magical thinking is essential to OCD. (6)

This exchange also showcases an example of how compulsions done to quiet rather than to soothe can sometimes involve self harming behaviors to "shake" the thought out of one's mind. In this case, him hitting his own head and focusing on the pain rather than on the thought. Most definitely not a healthy way to deal with it! But what else do we expect from Siffrin, honestly.

Another example of a self-harming compulsion being used to "shake" out a distressing and unwanted thought, also including a more minor example of magical thinking:

Researchers and psychologists have often attempted to divide OCD into subtypes. This has usually been done because different types of obsessions often demand different treatment plans. (7) The actual divisions have varied from researcher to researcher, but one type that consistently comes up, is harm OCD/moral OCD. (Of note, one person usually, but not always, fits into multiple subtypes. I personally think Siffrin fits into multiple) Harm OCD is characterized by a fixation on believing one is a bad person and causing harm to others, often despite others expressing the contrary. This often comes along with very intense self-criticism and judgement.

After repeating a Friendquest route multiple times:

Mal Du Pays fight:

Siffrin specifically is fixated on the worry that the knowledge that they gained by looping gives them an unfair power dynamic with their party, and taking any action informed by that knowledge means that they're taking advantage of them or forcing them to do what he wants. This is despite the fact that, no matter what he chooses to do, they are still autonomous beings who do what they want. He has less control than he thinks.

Also from the Mal Du Pays fight:

("You should've died for me. You should've died to protect me. You should've died to protect me.", "You can wish and wish and wish all you want.", "They'll forget you. They'll forget you. They'll forget you.")

And what of Loop? They're also a Siffrin, right? Examination of the self from an outside perspective has given them time to introspect a bit more. They directly name and point out one of Siffrin's rituals. @dormont pointed this out, in one of his posts. (8)

Loop says, here:

They understand why Siffrin is doing this. Siffrin is afraid that he'll forget again. There was no warning, before the Island vanished from everyone's mind. The coin is a physical reminder that he forgot his first family, that he can't forget this one too. He often rolls it in his pocket, but sometimes grips it tightly, or flips it. In his mind, touching it will prevent him from forgetting again.

Now this is fascinating when thinking about One Hat, because in that eventuality Siffrin, after failing to find Loop at the Favor Tree, leaves his coin where Loop used to sit. This shows that he's doing better mentally, in Act 6. That he trusts himself more to remember, that he doesn't need the coin anymore.

Throughout the game, Loop keeps the comedy mask glued tight to their starry face. Because of that (and the fact that we don't see inside of their head), we don't get to see much of their own obsessions or compulsions. But there is one time where their mask slips. During Two Hats.

When they start becoming more and more distressed, they fall back into repetitions of three:

And if they win the fight....

And after the fight...

But of course, it's not all in distress. What was I saying, at the start of the post? The other reason why Siffrin repeats things in threes? When he wants something to go right, right? When he has a desired outcome, when he's sharpening his knife, when he's carving a figure. "Please be sharp, please be sharp, please be sharp."? At the end of it all, as Loop is fading away:

"I'll see you again soon, I promise! I super promise! I super duper promise!"

And Siffrin understands exactly the intention and desire that they pressed into that repetition. After Loop is completely gone, they mirror their actions.

("You flip it once, twice, three times.")

("You will see each other again.")

Additional resources:

1: Taylor, E. (2020). Discordant knowing: A puzzle about insight in Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder. Mind & Language, 37(1), 73–93. https://doi.org/10.1111/mila.12301

(About the concept of insight in irrational cycles in OCD! Very interesting)

2: ICD 10: The complete official code set. Internet Archive. (2017).

(ICD 10, Account is needed to read the full thing)

3: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.)

(DSM 5, for reference)

4: Starcevic, V., Berle, D., Brakoulias, V., Sammut, P., Moses, K., Milicevic, D., & Hannan, A. (2011). Functions of compulsions in Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 45(6), 449–457. https://doi.org/10.3109/00048674.2011.567243

(Article about reasonings behind compulsions. Honestly I think a lot of the "other reasons" categorized here for compulsions are just...different manifestations of reducing anxiety. But it's still helpful to show how sometimes compulsions are done subconsciously)

5. Moulding, R., & Kyrios, M. (2007). Desire for control, sense of control and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 31(6), 759–772. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-006-9086-x

(Article around OCD and the need for control)

6. Kingdon, B. L., Egan, S. J., & Rees, C. S. (2011). The illusory beliefs inventory: A new measure of magical thinking and its relationship with obsessive compulsive disorder. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 40(1), 39–53. https://doi.org/10.1017/s1352465811000245

(Article about magical thinking/TAF/history of the other studies done on the importance of them in OCD & creating a better framework to assess them)

(7) McKay, D., Abramowitz, J. S., Calamari, J. E., Kyrios, M., Radomsky, A., Sookman, D., Taylor, S., & Wilhelm, S. (2004). A critical evaluation of Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder subtypes: Symptoms versus mechanisms. Clinical Psychology Review, 24(3), 283–313. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2004.04.003

(Critical overview of the concept of OCD subtypes and what their purpose is)

(8)

(Eve's post :]. Check the replies for more elaboration!)

[stolasbuckzo]

Just a reminder to Stolitz fans:

This scene was actually confirmed by Viv that it was a soliloquy, meaning it was NOT a confession from either Stolas or Blitz (since they didn’t actually hear each other). A soliloquy is a dramatic device where a character speaks their thoughts aloud, often to reveal their inner emotions or struggles to the audience.

In this case, the scene was specifically directed towards the audience itself, allowing us (albeit we already knew by this point) to understand their unspoken feelings and conflicts without the characters being aware of each other’s vulnerabilities, unspoken longings, and the emotional walls they’ve built, even as they remain unaware of each other’s true feelings.

The beauty of this scene lies in its ability to show us how close they are emotionally, yet still so distant, emphasizing the tragedy of their miscommunication and the yearning that defines their connection.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

Please cry with me some more. Maomao’s Soliloquy.

The flowers you like have bloomed again in the usual place this year. The sound of those insects, which we listened to carefully while standing side by side, has also started. You used to listen closely and catch even my small voice. The destination hasn't changed, but where does the voice that disappears into the air go? Just a nod is enough, I want to hear it. I want to see your gently nodding smile. Without you, any word is just a soliloquy.

If I had noticed your hidden feelings that day, could I still have been in the world of dialogue between the two of us?

Even if the smile, the universal remedy, disappears, breathing continues. It will never fully heal, but the memories will become scabs. Even beyond the days of looking for the missing footsteps, I still can't manage to tame the nocturnal crybaby.

Knowing you for the first time allowed me to be myself. Even such important feelings, I wasn't able to convey them here, still unable to meet your gaze. Still now, I search for words that can be close to your heart, that day, in a world without answers. I blindly believed that the same tomorrow would pour down equally once again. The you who can't lie said "See you again" and waved, and I continue to believe in that image.

Just listen with a nod… I want to meet your gently nodding smile

Without you, any words are just mere monologue

I'm waiting without saying "goodbye" even if it’s hard,

Someday I want to give you a "welcome home" while looking into your eyes…

(This is a very rough Google-mirror translation, but you get the gist.)

PS:

Natsu Hyuuga tweeting this.

In the latter half, it was mentioned that the meaning of the theme song becomes clearer, but how about Yuuki-san's reading for the answer?

[hellengomes]

[marejadilla]

Keita Morimoto | 森本啓太, "Soliloquy", 2022, acrylic and oil on linen. B. 1990 Osaka, Japan. Based in Tokyo and Toronto.

[ivyleaguewolves]

Hey what’s up, I used to have a blog called Aegisblaze on here, unfortunately it got nuked and I couldn’t be bothered to remake at the time so it’s been a few months now. Just trying to find my mutuals and start over.

This blog will probably be mostly safe for work but I’m still going to say Minors DNI, thanks ✌🏿.

[tonsillessscum]

I already gave my flesh to you, and I already gave you my end. I gave you my sword. I gave you myself. I did it while knowing I'd do it all again, without hesitation, because all I ever wanted you to do was eat me

-Tamsyn Muir, Harrow the Ninth

[bardtournament]

best soliloquy tournament

vote on the soliloquy itself, not based on performances linked. the performances are meant to serve as examples of the soliloquy spoken aloud!

full soliloquies in plain text under the read more

Ye Elves of Hills, Prospero in The Tempest, Act 5 Scene 1

Ye elves of hills, brooks, standing lakes and groves, And ye that on the sands with printless foot Do chase the ebbing Neptune and do fly him When he comes back; you demi-puppets that By moonshine do the green sour ringlets make, Whereof the ewe not bites, and you whose pastime Is to make midnight mushrooms, that rejoice To hear the solemn curfew; by whose aid, Weak masters though ye be, I have bedimm’d The noontide sun, call’d forth the mutinous winds, And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault Set roaring war: to the dread rattling thunder Have I given fire and rifted Jove’s stout oak With his own bolt; the strong-based promontory Have I made shake and by the spurs pluck’d up The pine and cedar: graves at my command Have waked their sleepers, oped, and let ’em forth By my so potent art. But this rough magic I here abjure, and, when I have required Some heavenly music, which even now I do, To work mine end upon their senses that This airy charm is for, I’ll break my staff, Bury it certain fathoms in the earth, And deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.

How All Occasions Do Inform Against Me, Hamlet in Hamlet, Act 4. Scene 4

How all occasions do inform against me, And spur my dull revenge! What is a man, If his chief good and market of his time Be but to sleep and feed? a beast, no more. Sure, he that made us with such large discourse, Looking before and after, gave us not That capability and god-like reason To fust in us unused. Now, whether it be Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple Of thinking too precisely on the event, A thought which, quarter’d, hath but one part wisdom And ever three parts coward, I do not know Why yet I live to say ‘This thing’s to do;’ Sith I have cause and will and strength and means To do’t. Examples gross as earth exhort me: Witness this army of such mass and charge Led by a delicate and tender prince, Whose spirit with divine ambition puff’d Makes mouths at the invisible event, Exposing what is mortal and unsure To all that fortune, death and danger dare, Even for an egg-shell. Rightly to be great Is not to stir without great argument, But greatly to find quarrel in a straw When honour’s at the stake. How stand I then, That have a father kill’d, a mother stain’d, Excitements of my reason and my blood, And let all sleep? while, to my shame, I see The imminent death of twenty thousand men, That, for a fantasy and trick of fame, Go to their graves like beds, fight for a plot Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause, Which is not tomb enough and continent To hide the slain? O, from this time forth, My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!

[dysphoresque]

— In The Presence of Absence, Mahmoud Darwish

[menacingpolkamusic]

Murderbot canonically goes by it/it's and the audiobook is narrated by Kevin R. Free who is Black. They could have cast fucking anyone, literally of any gender or race, for this character that is heavily coded as genderless and of color. And they chose the most generic White Man in existence. It's the laziest casting I've ever seen.

[hardoncaulfield]

Hi friends, help me trans my gender!

I'm Will, I'm a transmasc non-binary person living in the UK and I want to start testosterone.

You might be aware that accessing gender affirming healthcare in the UK is both stressful and bloody difficult. Waiting times on the NHS can stretch to years - I don't want to have to wait years to feel at home in my body & therefore I need your help.

I'm looking to raise eight hundred pounds to cover the initial assessment, follow-up appointments and private prescription fees. If you can give any amount (even 50p, I am deadly serious, give me 50p) I would be incredibly grateful.

click here to help a fellow out!

[guided-by-stars]

Thinking about how Isabeau was an incredibly insecure child, and still carries so many insecurities that he masks under his positive protector façade. He casually drops the line that he could Change again so he wouldn't be someone the party would be "ashamed of knowing", and this is after he already Changed so much away from the short nerdy kid with braids that he used to be. He used to look in the mirror and was faced by a reflection that so wholly didn't match what he wanted to be, and even after he spent so long Crafting the physical, sculpting and molding his body so carefully, he couldn't erase his feelings of inadequacy.

The airhead mask is comforting in a way. It's useful. It makes him seem less threatening, more safe to others. Funny, not disquieting. Isabeau understands that intelligence can scare people, can throw them off. When Siffrin tells him directly that nobody would think less of him if he dropped his mask, he expresses disbelief. He doesn't believe them. This is how he was able to connect with others! This works! But at the same time, he feels so much shame. He doesn't WANT people to think he's stupid. Conversely, he's embarrassed when he expresses how intelligent he really is by accident and someone else suddenly notices.

Isabeau is, at his core, terrified of being Too Much. He's the only one who knows how to make a bomb. He says that he learned how to in his Defender training, but I fully believe in my heart that it's a lie. He's stuttering when he says it, and he offers up that excuse after Odile asks him how he knows that, pinning him with this expression

Everyone else also offers up that they have no idea how to make a bomb, and are surprised that he does. He's suddenly aware that his knowledge is being seen as scary.

In the same vein, I think that he sees his own desires for Siffrin as things that he wants that are Too Much and Scary. Siffrin has shame around his own desire for touch and for being loved sure, because they don't think they deserve it and that nobody knows the real them that's a Monster and manipulative, yes. But I see a lot of people focus on that and miss that Isa also struggles with just HOW BIG his own desires are and his own insecurities. The whole "reaching out for but never touching him." routine by the Favor Tree, for instance. Honestly, I think that even if everyone didn't think that Siffrin hated touch, he would still hold back, albeit not to the same extent. He's aware of his own desire and he's afraid that it's Too Much and Scary.

The proof of that is in how he holds back his feelings. Yes, how he never confesses in so many loops, but also when he finally does confess, in Act 6, it EXPLODES out of him. He's talking on and on about every little miniscule detail about Siffrin that he took note of and he finally stops himself when he notices Siffrin swaying with the weight of it all. He holds back SO MUCH, and it's because he's ashamed of how much there is, how much he is.

With all that being said, there's no doubt in my mind that Bad Touch was his first kiss. Maybe that's why he pulled back so quickly. Being kissed completely out of the blue with no warning, by your crush that you're already holding back around and afraid of your own desires for, on the day that the world will end, and it's your first ever kiss of your life.

[astro-whispers]

Me: Can we get more Blitzwing please?

Earthspark: We already have Blitzwing at home

*Blitzwing at home*:

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

First off, it contains spoilers from the latest episode. Second, the video is forthcoming when it comes to the anime adaptation equating the relationships of Maomao/Jinshi (the Moon Prince) and Maomao/Shisui (Loulan). But all in all, you’ll have a good cry watching this. Because I just did and I freaking bawled my eyes out again.

How it feels to be like a fly on the wall when Jinshi and the real Loulan meet. Will anime*Jinshi ever find out Maomao’s regard for anime *Loulan?

I wonder if Natsu Hyuuga will ever tackle her again. There have been traces of Maomao’s memories of Shisui and that wish wanting that she’d be safe out there. I just wish that she’d go back to it.