#him being my transgender experience i wanna make into a story

[flowermist7432]

Stanley is my favorite OC in the whole wide worlds! At first glance he's a happy go lucky scarecrow formed by a group of friends through the power of friendship- with a eccentric, silly personality. He placked all his points into charisma and nothing into wisdom. (He will eat glass and smash his hand into a closing microwave door out of impulse) He's comedically sweet, endearing and a little mentally cracked but thats alright!! And you wont forget his name because he parrots it 24/7 "I am Stanley" being his first words.

He has a huge fascination however in learning! He has favorite topics like entomology and spelling/reading!

But, one of the biggest facts about HIM is that he isnt actually a scarecrow! He's actually a shapeless, shambling pile of fungus with a "candy heart" center that packs itself into a "host" of his choice. He's kinda octodad-ing it essentially with how he moves it around. Stanley is representative of me being transgender and the idea of "dying" and "coming back wrong" but the thing is, he isnt WRONG. He's Stanley! he loves this new body! he loves being Stanley!

scary Fungus under the cut!

Fun Fact: As I said he is shapeless and the only solid organ is his "Candy Heart". so him taking this vaguely human shape was on purpose so you have something to look at. and those eyes? He uses those behind the fake doll eyes :)

Can we do an OCS sharing thing? I want to see other people's OCS are hear facts about them

[s0r4sp0nyt41l]

I have no one to talk about it too so here's a rant on why "ONIMAI: I'm now your sister!" is awesome

I wanna preface this by saying, I did not watch the CrunchyRoll translation, so the platform I watched it on might have mistranslated things. I might has some misinformation under my belt, sorry!

Also, watch out! THIS POST IS WOKE!!!! I MENTION TRANSGENDERS!!!!!! OH NOOO!!! (/sarc)

I will refer to pre-transition Mahiro with "he/him" and transitioned Mahiro with "she/her."

(THIS POST DOES CONTAIN MENTIONS OF SEXUAL CONTENT!)

With enough said, lets get started!

CHAPTER 1: What the hell is Onimai?

"Onimai" is an anime about Mahiro Oyama, a shut in hikkomori and a NEET otaku who hasn't left his house in 2 years. In comes his sister, Mihari, who slips a drug in his drink, turning him into a girl as part as a "Onii-chan Rehabilitation Project" to help him get back into society.

Mahiro now has to learn the ropes of being a (middle school) girl.

CHAPTER 2: What makes it so great?

The thing I like about Onimai the most is (surprisingly) Mahiro themself.

Mahiro used to be a degenerate slacker with a love only for noncon hentai manga with stories of bondage and sex slavery, and staying home playing eroge video games. According to Mihari, Mahiro wasn't always like this. From the start, it's clear that Mahiro is a degenerate (which the reason for like... half of the fanservice in this anime, but shh... that's for another post.) and even though he tries to shake his habits off, It's hard for him. (Because he's been doing it for 2 years) The anime show's his growth and how he reflects on his past actions, which is a big part of the anime.

I also like the fact Onimai didn't censor Mahiro's experience with girlhood. They went into depth with her struggles with periods, getting bras, and I appreciate the thought that went into it as a trans man. Mahiro's experience's can be relatable to many, whether it be teenage girls going through these things, or a huge dogpile of transgenders who feel like they're the only ones going through this kind of stuff. It also shows Mahiro getting used to his girl body, dolling up and getting used to dresses and skirts. She tries to deny that she likes that kind of stuff and claims she needs to "get her masculinity back". (How do people deny the fact Mahiro is transgender THIS SINGLEHANDLY SHOULD BE ENOUGH PROOF YOU FUCKING RIGHT WINGS BITCHES.)

Also, Onimai is unexpectedly wholesome? Mahiro and Mihari have some falling outs, but that's ultimately how siblings operate, you argue, but you still love them.

Mihari is responsible for most Mahiro's relationships, because if it weren't for the drug she put in Mahiro's drink, she wouldn't have left the house, go back to school, or let alone talk to anyone.

In one episode (10 I think it was), It's shown that Mihari had to leave for school, and Mahiro could barely function without her by her side.

As happy as Mahiro was to be left alone, she did miss her sister dearly, as she's able to function better with her, and I like how this anime properly portrays sibling relationships. No implied incest, no siscons, it's just a realistic sibling relationship. It's a nice break from all of those animes. (cough cough oshi no ko cough cough I hate ruby so much)

CHAPTER 3: Is it really worth the watch?

Imo, YES! It's really good, plus the intro is a banger.

Alright, I've ran out of things to go on about, so thanks for reading! Check out Onimai (do it for me please)

[misscammiedawn]

Bit (2019) - Queer Reclamation of Stolen Youth

CW: Blood

Bit is a 2019 movie written and directed by Brad Michael Elmore and starring transgender actress Nicole Maines. The story follows a young transgender woman named Laurel visiting her brother in California and being recruited to join a women's only gang of queer vampires.

A group that is ruled strictly by a rigid rule set.

The very first scene makes this clear, introducing the leader of the gang, "full blown fucking dyke" Duke, as she kills a freshly turned male vampire and sentences one of her gang's members to a year in "the hole" for attempting to add a boy to their ranks.

They must all adhere to their 3 rules of operation. The final and most important being:

"No fucking boys." That is to say no boys are allowed to be included in their group... but the literal read is also true. Lesbians only.

The story begins in earnest with the introduction of a main character having just graduated high school in a rural town and about to travel down to spend the summer in LA with her older brother.

During her first scene at a graduation party a drunk classmate approaches her to tell her how brave she is and she retreats to spend a moment with Andy, her sole friend, who implies an attraction to her brother and admonishes her for abandoning him, saying that she is never going to return and that when she finds her people she will likely forget about him.

The movie knows it is queer media for a queer audience. For how much the entire movie is about LGBT themes it often is kind enough to leave things implied. Andy is Laurel's gay best friend in high school and the two of them rely on one another as the only source of queer community in their environment. Andy sees Laurel escaping as abandonment because he knows all too well that she will get a taste of the progressive lifestyle in LA and will never return to their pacific northwest town to go back to masking and hiding. He knows their friendship is over, even if Laurel doesn't yet.

All too often it happens. People never expect it at first but when someone finds their community, their people it becomes impossible to remain in the ponds and pools they were once in. T4T relationships work so effortlessly because there's an entire rich inner language that we have from common experiences that are so difficult to translate to cis friends and yet are inherently understood by others who have lived it. It's not just safety in community it is understanding.

All of this is communicated through vibes. All Andy directly says is "you're going to meet interesting people and you're going to forget about me" and his homosexuality is revealed through a flirtatious comment about Laurel's brother.

Laurel's gender identity itself is only addressed through implications (like hiding her larynx with a shoelace choker that gets mentioned in dialogue a few times) or roundabout statements. The word "trans" is never uttered once in the film.

"Men can't handle power. They have it already and look at what they've done with it." "What about me. [I'm transgender]" "Never even crossed my mind."

"I just wanna say-- what you've done [coming out as transgender] is just so cool."

"People aren't going to be patronizing [about me being transgender], are they?" "People aren't like that here. As much."

"I never stood in the way of you becoming who you are [transgender] but it turns out who you are is a selfish bitch."

I have watched this movie with people who did not realize that either Laurel or her actress Nicole Maines were transgender. I cannot understand how they couldn't see it but they couldn't.

On her first night in LA she goes out to a club to see a rock concert. The movie shows Laurel is defensive, getting violent with someone who invades her personal space and she spots someone (a vampire hunter who suspects her of being in the coven) starring her down. The movie is putting us in the mindspace of a young transgender woman in a new space unable to detect threats. She feels like she is being clocked and targeted by everyone around her.

It's not until one of the vampire gang approaches her that she is able to lighten up. In dialogue they imply recognizing her as queer with "you're not from around here, I can just tell" style dialogue. Laurel is quick to allow herself to be taken away to the vampire's hideout where she gets to be with her people for the first time.

To avoid this being one of those "I just sum up the movie with no analysis" posts I'll trust that those who are intrigued will watch the film and get to the point.

Laurel is fed upon by one of the lesbian vampires and before the kill can happen Duke, the leader, stops it and allows Laurel to complete the transformation into a vampire because she "reminds me of someone I used to know"

She is referring to herself.

A time when she, a 15 year old lesbian, ran away from her midwest home to NYC to find queer community. She notes that even homeless and performing sex work opposed to her preferences, she was happier because she was living free and as herself. She learned how to thrive.

Duke sees in Laurel the same thing she herself lived in the 1970s, directly tying the socio-political landscape of gay youth of the time with trans youth of the modern era. Watching over their shoulder, fearing being targeted, unable to exist comfortably without the safety and understanding of community.

She says it very directly in her pitch to Laurel while inviting her to join the "V-Club"

"We're politically, socially and mythologically fucked. Our roles are secondary. Our body's suspect, alien, other. We're made to be monstrous so let's be monsters. [...] What we offer is not the chance to join a group but to truly be an individual."

The issue of course is, when Duke tells her backstory, she suffered and gained her identity through pain and hardship. She fought to survive and eventually learned how to thrive and then... against her wishes, against her consent... she was slammed back into the closet.

A powerful vampire, Vlad, singled her out and circumvented her agency and made her one of his brides. For decades Duke was stuck living a heteronormative life, having accessed her truth and her community and then been kept away from it.

"It was like I was trapped in my own body. I was aware of who I was, who I used to be, but I could do nothing about it."

After managing to escape from this life Duke seals Vlad's heart and begins to consume it bit by bit.

There is 100% a valid reading of this movie where Duke is a repressed transmasc lesbian. She fears consuming all of Vlad's heart because she fears it will make her "like him" but she is addicted to the power and agency that she feels from consuming him. We later learn that she has been doing to her gang what Vlad did to her.

Duke is terrified of becoming a man and rejects those aspects of herself while continually indulging them. Moralizing on how evil the version of masculinity she perceives in the world is while engaging in those acts herself.

Someone with better media literacy than I would be able to do a fuller read of that.

But the read I focus on is this one:

Duke's youth was stolen from her as she was forced to live a closeted life of abuse by a domineering man and she projects her wishes for those stolen years into how she lives and how she views others. She directly controls the minds of her gang in order to maintain a safe life buffered by stolen power and lashing out at men who remind her in any way of her abuser.

In robbing her group of their agency and pushing them to agree with her, the pain and hatred that she feels becomes that of the entire group. Their sympathies to men are overruled and the space remains closed off and combative. Insular.

She wishes to continue living the highs of her first taste of agency in her life while robbing those around her of theirs. Through fear and a certainty of being right she has effectively become the very thing she despises.

Meanwhile, Laurel, finally living with her community, abandons her roots and neglects the portions of her life that do not relate to her new community which causes her gay best friend to attempt suicide (I do not condone the movie's attempt to make Laurel responsible for this, mind, we have severe issues with any attempt to frame suicide attempts as the responsibility of anyone but the person attempting) and directly nearly kills her brother.

The movie is very much about the vulnerability of solitary queer individuals and the power and comfort that we gain from banding together and finding community but also about how we must not emulate the abusive power structures that we escape from in our quest to find safety in our identities.

It's important that Duke is a hypocrite. The three rules are:

Never glamour another vampire.

Always kill what you eat.

No fucking boys

It's no coincidence that the first rule is not to glamour another vampire. It's how Vlad controlled Duke for decades. She should never wish that fate on anyone else and yet she is so terrified of losing that which she has earned but also because she was terrified of others losing that which they had earned "I did it to make it easier to help you." she says. Her insecurities are projected onto the group and become their dogma.

Duke isn't wrong for her hatred or her fear. She is wrong for not trusting her allies, she's wrong for forcing her beliefs, she is wrong for being the sole arbiter of who is an acceptable member of their community and who is not.

The movie ends with Laurel noting that she pictures a world where everyone is a vampire because then they could all figure their shit out. That people who have power tend to jealousy guard it for themselves but power can and should be shared.

The final scene involves the new vampire group collectively taking portions of Vlad's heart and consuming his power.

Single points of failure are rampant within any community. When a single figure is held up as the entire basis of a group then removing them or discrediting them will always destroy the safety of the space. This is true in every community but it's heartbreaking when it's true in queer spaces.

One person should never be calling all the shots, making their biases become collective prejudice or their traumas become the realities of all within the safety. We all have stories. We all have truths. We all have realities which we need to share and receive acknowledgement and comfort for.

Vulnerable groups should band together and insular thinking will destroy us if we let it.

-

The movie isn't the best by anyone's standards.

But damn if the movie isn't a rare piece of queer media that isn't made for a cis audience. I'll always hype up something like that and make sure it reaches more eyes.

[loverboy-havocboy]

okay so i love to see it, i love hearing why authors do it, and so i wanna ask: what's the story behind Comet being a trans man in the aliit au?

also i know i commented about 🤝 with Comet over Gregor being an amazing partner but i need to repeat it cause wow. wow.... actually if you wanna talk about that characterization too, i'd be delighted

yes!! so the aliit au is actually an off-shoot of my very first project (SICK au, on hiatus) in which comet and gregor have a very sweet relationship 🥺💖😭 when we got to a stopping point with that, all i could think about for like a week was gregor getting comet pregnant. unfortunately, (for those purposes) in SICK, comet is a cis dude and gregor is sex repulsed ace. so you may see the problem there 😂

uhhh things are getting Personal About The Author from here

while my ex-co and i were talking about that, i realized that i had really wanted comet to be transmasc in SICK. his character design was based off of 2 trans guys and everything 😅 but i was in a very weird place with my own gender at the time. so aliit was born out of pure self indulgence. i wanted gregor to fuck and i wanted comet to be trans, and i got to work through and explore and discover a lot about myself through him in the way aliit developed.

perhaps insane to say, but i really think aliit comet is the reason i had the guts to finally pursue hrt (6 months on t baby 🎉). he's a very weird half self insert, but in a way where i'm following him instead of him following me 😂

so i think a lot of the confidence issues i mentioned in answering your other ask stemmed from me, and now that i'm farther along in my own journey, i read him being so nervous to Be Transgender with his boyfriend and my heart breaks for him!

gregor's characterization as The Perfect Man very much follows the same pattern, i think: he's MY perfect man 😂

figuring out my gender in my mid-20s while being married to a cishet guy ended up giving me a lot of Longing (who would've thought), so i used that to build off of his characterization in SICK for aliit. gregor is charming and funny and kind in canon, but not lacking in attitude, and i think all of that is perfect for comet who's Recovering From Something and needs to be swept off his feet into big strong arms. gregor has the patience and the familiarity with ptsd to be kind to comet when his disability makes him difficult. boost and sinker love him dearly, but there's friction there in their ability to handle that - and that's understandable, they're all just some guys in their 20s who have been through it!!

honestly? gregor is very much a sinker To Me, just with the life experience to smooth things out a little bit and wolffe is his boost, but that's a different story

[maybeamiles]

Characters that made me realize I was trans

You ever just wanna make a comprehensive list of everyone that gave you gender envy from a young age? Yeah me too.

So here it is! A list of every character that made me realize I was trans, starting from when I was a little kid!

No. 1 - Aravis from The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis

Okay, weird racism in this book aside, the amount I loved Aravis was probably the first indicator that I was not cisgender. I thought she was so cool for dressing up as a boy and rejecting traditional femininity and being so "not-like-other-girls" (i also had a big not-like-other-girls phase around the time I read this, go figure). Of course, she is cisgender, and seems to fall into a *slightly* more traditional role by the end of the book, but this isn't about C.S. Lewis' gender stuff and more on the fact that I related very heavily to Aravis and the fact that she didn't fit in with other girls, because I also felt the same way.

Her male co-star Shasta also gave me gender envy so between them both it's no wonder 9-year-old me loved this book.

No. 2 - Deryn/Dylan Sharp from Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld

Once again it's the girl-dressing-up-as-a-boy-to-fuck-with-gender-rules trope! Only this time, Deryn Sharp is actually treated like a man by her male co-star, Alek (up until he figures out that Dylan is actually Deryn, but then he's quite supportive of her gender fuckery). Deryn, like Aravis, doesn't actually feel any gender dysphoria. Her gender fuckery is a means to pursue her passion for air travel via joining the army. This does get fucked up by the last book and she ends up needing to leave the army, but we don't actually see how she presents herself when in non-millitary society so I will headcannon that she remains quite butch.

I thought Deryn was the coolest when I was 13, and even wound up copying her way of saying "barking spiders" for a bit. And her and Alek's romantic relationship was peak goals for me, probably because it begins while Deryn still presents masc.

No. 3/4 - Link, from TLOZ: Twilight Princess and Breath of the Wild

So, the Links! Let's talk about the Links!

Twilight was the first male character I remember projecting myself onto. So much so that I did not ship him and midna OR him and Illia (and didn't really like illia's quest), not because they didn't have chemistry but because I am very homosexual and did not like the idea of my self-insert being with a girl. Now, do cis girls project themselves onto male character? Idk but I'm not cis and this is something I did so *shrug*

I've lumped these two together because Zelda was a sort of twofer for me. I played Twilight Princess and then a couple years later played BOTW and began discovering what transgender people were. At the time I ID'd as nonbinary, and my Zelda obsession grew with my understanding of "shit I'm not cis." (I even named myself after a Zelda character for a bit). The links were my first *conscious* experience of gender envy, and hold a special place in my heart for it.

No. 5 - Aether from Genshin Impact

Last, but CERTAINLY not least, is the man, the myth, the legend, Aether Genshin Impact. And there is a STORY behind this guy's inclusion.

See, by the time I started playing genshin, I had long since accepted that I was not a girl. I called myself nonbinary, and thought I was okay with simply "not being a girl" and was fine doing what I saw all the other nonbinary people doing (binders, no testosterone, vaugely masc clothes, etc).

Then I booted up genshin impact, and had to pick between Aether and Lumine. And I still remember the "oh shit" moment I had when I realized that the default I expected to fall into would not make me happy. I had expected myself to pick Lumine, because I had previously thought that I was more comfortable with femininity than masculinity. I realized that I didn't just want "genderless." I wanted masculine. And I had this guy to thank for helping me come to that realization.

Anyways that's not all the characters that gave me gender envy or really even my entire "here's how I knew I was trans" but they are the most influential ones to me.

[notsofunsenpai]

Quotes I used in this story or rephaze in my own words for this part.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”

– Brené Brown

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

“We deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame, and without compromise.”

– Elliot Page

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

“Being transgender is not just a medical transition. It’s discovering who you are, living your live authentically, loving yourself, and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another, no matter the difference.”

– Jazz Jennings

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

I saw this on Twitter thanks for  sunnys_comms on Twitter for the amazing art, and I wouldn't have known what to write without see the post. Than you again!

For this month's writing challenge :D

this 2024 calendar was made by poorslaindoll on Tumblr or on here xD

Go check them both out :D

I'll be using that Callender as reference but willing to change it alittle for requests if any or I'll just post twice a day for the Challenge and the request. XD

I might also use Pride-Month-Challenge post that I reposted as well in some of them.

Ok,back to the fanfic

♡You.♡

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Gentle fingers run through your hair as you lay on your lover,watching TV. Nothing was on,so you guys picked one channel that seemed interesting. There wasn't much to do today,everything that needed to be done was done. You took advantage of that by snuggling your boyfriend who was holding you close and being soft with you. He would kiss the top of your head,telling you how amazing you are with a smile on his face,his eyes showed nothing but love,patience, and acceptance,something that you yearn for the longest time and now you finally have it,you couldn't be any happier than you are right now.

There was a time when you weren't happy with yourself,you hated yourself with every bone in your body. You had done something risky,you felt free afterward but it was risky and you were scared.

It took some time.

It's fine, take your time.

It's part of life.

After years and years, finding yourself,finding who you were,what you are,what you wanna be, and what you are. It took some time, but you finally figured out that you opened up to the ones who were close to you and ones who you thought you were close to. You shed multiple tears,heartbroken as the ones who didn't accept thought of you differently and didn't want to be near you. It was hard, and you really wanted to be accepted,wanting to make everyone happy so whenever someone who ask you about this or that,you lie to make them happy. You knew of their opinions,their beliefs,etc, and you didn't want to go through that drama and trouble, so you just lied to please them.

It came to the point you didn't know who you were, you were lying to yourself constantly,you felt like you became a different person,but whenever you were by yourself you were trying to figure things out. Eventually, you did, but when you did someone who saw straight through your lies,saw the real you. You were having another breakdown when it happened. You were struggling mentally,it's hard to please everyone, and you came to realize that not everyone will like you. You wanted to cry more but you felt soft arms around you,you turned your head alittle to see the stranger better,at the time he had longer hair but it's shorter now he was wearing a white tank top at the time and baggy blue pants,he might of been jogging at the time because he was sweating and had taken his earbuds out. You remember lying to him at first,seeing an eyebrow rising on his face,"You can lie all you want, but it won't help make you feel better or ease the pain." He says,you thought about it before telling the truth,the real truth. You told him everything,not missing any detail,how sad you felt and the hatred you felt,he didn't judge you at all.

He listen to everything before giving you another hug,"Listen here,I know I'm a stranger and all but 'we all deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame, and without compromise'. Sure, it may or might take some time to figure it out,and sure people may or may not agree, but who cares? The only thing that should matter is yours. You deserve to be happy like everyone else. Life is all about discovering yourself, right? Discover who you are and living your life along with loving yourself and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another, no matter the difference. I like to think there are worst scenarios out there,there are people out there who need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to their troubles,a friend if you might say. That's why I came and hugged you, I'm kinda glad you didn't pepper spray me as well or call the cops on me." He jokes alittle to make you laugh. You gived him a smile,laughing alittle,thanked him and then he offers to buy you a drink or something to eat,and you gladly accepted.

Here you are now in the present day,relaxing with and on Kenji as he plays with your soft hair as you guys were kinda listening to the TV talking about aliens," You're amazing love,you're still working on yourself as am I but I think Owning our story,sticking to it as well and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do. Bravest thing you'll ever do. I couldn't be any prouder of you, baby. I love you." He said, kissing you again with a loving and accepting look on his face.

[thatonesongyouretryingtoremember]

1, 12, 20 for the DBD question game :)

Askbox meme

1:fave character

My fave is definitely Monty! I think his story has so much potential and is complete headcanon-fuel for me. I have made so many posts on this already so I'll spare y'all from the headcanon tornado! I just love seeing the way that he reacts to things and his emotions and everything are just fascinating for a character, and pretty entertaining.

After him, probably Edwin and Niko because I think they're both autistic just like me :3

12: uncommon lgbtq+ headcanon for a character

I really don't have headcanons for many of these characters, which is odd bc I normally have so many. I'll just talk about some of my interpretations of characters whose identity might not get a much attention.

Edwin is cis and also genderqueer to me. As an aro agender person, I totally have experience with the way that sexuality as an identity in the social landscape impacts one's understanding of gender, and I think that being gender non-conforming and gay really queer-up Edwin's understanding of his own gender, if not gender as a social construct (which he may or may not currently be examining as well due to certain event in the show)

And I think this one might actualy be well agreed on but I'm not sure because nobody brings it up, but I think Monty is also gay. The way he tries to make Edwin jealous but specifically sticks to Charles who is the only other male in the group, for example. Even though Charles might be considered a less believable option for Monty as he has expressed distaste for him in the past, Monty takes it as a given to keep Niko and Crystal out of it. There's also something to be said for his own understanding of gender, being raised as a crow with little understanding of human social structure by a beauty-obsessed (lesbian?) mother who overperforms femininity and expresses her own unique self instead of performing gender for others while also perpetuating the cycle of sex-based violence against young girls. Esther's story is so heavily gendered that it is impossible for Monty not to have an interesting relationship with gender even if he had been a human boy the whole time and taught human gender roles from birth. Add into the mix that he himself was transformed into a human and his relationships with other people will always subtly be influenced by the fact that they percieved him as a human, a boy, and let's face it, attractive, because Esther gave him all of that on purpose. I have a drafted post where the song I ascribe to him is literally called "i wanna be a boy", which was written by a nonbinary trans man, because it just reminds me so much of his relationship to being human, let alone a boy. All that to say, I interpret him as a cis male, but I claim him for us transgenders.

20. something in the show that made you laugh

I think I'm gonna make this about Monty again... but I have more so don't the rest of y'all shy away from sending 20 again!

Monty and Esther talking! They're both so estranged from reality in completely different ways and they see through eachother but not themselves, but this basically results in them saying the most batshit things.

Every time Monty is in the presence of Esther, he transforms, magical girl-style, into the cookie-cutter disinterested teen. He's so fed up with whatever bullshit Esther's cooked up today that he's only half listening, and he doesn't like her enough to perform politeness so his voice takes on a more natural monotone, but which sounds so out of the ordinary for him that it sounds as if he's *trying* to be a "grouchy tennage boy"

meanwhile, Esther's off in her own little world, and goddamn that little brat and his hormones. "Some people feed kids to a magic snake to stay young, TBH it's NBD" need I say more?

thank you for the ask, these are always so so fun to fill out!!!

[utsugi-ren]

OK I HAVE SO FUCKING MANY (ALSO I MEANT TWITTER NOT TUMBLR I AM. SCHTEWPID)

My number 1 recommendation for a manga that like. Happenstance has a transgender character (kinda spoilies) is Fire Punch which is my favorite manga ever. Tw there is a lot of sexual assault tho and the trans character is kind of ...um. Not the best person in a lot of ways...I'd still HEAVILY recommend it because it's fucking amazing, made by the same guy who did Chainsaw Man, also if u want links to any of these I can dm u em B3

I also REALLY LOVE Yuureitou even though it is terrible representation but as a story it's amazing. It sexualizes the main trans character a lot and also it's. transmisogynstic as shit. I can't even cover for that, the way it handles it's one transfem character is really fucking bad

I feel like I have to mention wandering son except I don't want to cuz I don't like it but this list wouldn't be complete without it LMAO, but like. By jove it is also transmisogynstic...also tw for sexual assault that is! Kinda never addressed which pisses me off, that shit triggered me so hard, which is the entire reason I hate the manga so bad.

Hakei Seken Sama I WOULD recommend, but be warned the scanlation out currently is absolute garbage, which might ruin the experience for you (for an idea of how bad it is, I make shift translated it using google translate and it pretty much came out as the same as the scanlation...so. Yeah)

These are the big recommendations, and yes I would recommend Wandering Son just cuz it's like. Important as a story to read honestly. If u want a good retelling of it, watch the anime, if u want the full story, read the manga even tho it kinda sucks

For stories where trans characters play a smaller role there's:

Sket Dance-The final dance arc features a trans boy and it's so cute I love Sket Dance (U do not have to read the hwole story to understand what's going on in the last dance arc)

Heart no Daiya-This one's pretty good! There's only maybe? 5 chapters with the trans character and tbh I didn't like the manga itself but I do like how they wrote him

Level E-The anime is definitely better, but if u can't find it anywhere the manga works too...I think the anime is episode 8/9 and the manga is chapter 10/11 but I could be wrong about that..

Sakura-Chan to Amane-Kun-Wandering Son but better and ended WAY earlier, it's cute. Idk what else to say :P

Villain-Doesn't feature a trans man BUT featuers a transmasc character, it's still releasing but it's super slow. Last update was in January </3

AFTER SCHOOL MATE-One of my favorites! Idk what to say, it's also cute

Bokura no VR-One shot, but it's cute, I'd recommend it

Bokura no Hentai-Ok so this one doesn't have any trans men but please read it please oh please I am begging you I am begging everyone to read Bokura no Hentai please

Chiguhagu by Akahon Naomi-Transmasc character without an explicitly stated gender

F-Compo-Do not read this unless u are prepared for a terrible manga. I have read it of course, but that's because I am deranged.

Battle Angel Alita: Last Order-I read this a long time ago ? Being trans isn't that important but there is a trans man here

IS - Otoko Demo Onna Demo Nai Sei-As the name implies, it's about an intersex trans boy who's coming to terms with the fact he's gay! I never finished this just cuz it's kinda boring, but from what I read I liked it :3

The Gay Who Turned Kaiju-Cannot recommend this one ENOUGH, not really focused on trans people but there is a trans character!

Paros no Ken-Idk what to say about this one

Poor Poor Lips-Character shows up later in the series, but the beginning is cute too if u wanna read it all!

Claudine-CLASSIC, absolutely a must read

Shounen Note-The character is never explicitly stated as trans but. He's trans. I claim him LoL. Shows up later in the manga

Stop!! Hibaru-kun-Shows up in the last chapter, tho the entire manga is about being trans. Also a classic, would recommend reading it

To Strip the Flesh-SO GOOD idk what else to say

Yuzu no Koto-4-koma manga about a guy who just came out at his school, short and cute

Zenbu Kimi no Sei-This is an ecchi made by someone who mainly does porn but the trans characters are treated with respect and I like it ! Be prepared tho it's very horny

These are all the ones I can think of right now (except for one I am completely blanking on . Something blue I think ?? It's super popular and I think by the same guy who did Shounen Note) but yeah. Have fun LoL

I remember back when you were on tumblr for like. 5 seconds before the shit (tm) went down, u reblogged a post about Boys run the Riot, and ever since I've been wondering if u wanted more trans men manga recommendations because. I know a lot. And I need to show off this useless knowledge to someone

YES id love to find more manga like brtr!!

[gardenofsinners]

mahoyo! spoilers under the cut

tldr, mahoyo is really really good. if you’re a fan of any of type moon’s works, you’ll enjoy it immensely. buy it NOW.

i’ll preface this with my thoughts on the more broader aspects that appeal to Me As A Reader, before i go into the story. the overall translation felt really good. it was completely in line with the lingo i’m aware of from type moon’s usual works, and they did a really good job actually skirting around honorifics (and the dreaded Big Sis translation). obviously many words can be said about Sizuki and Yamasiro, but that’s beside the point.

the big issue is really with proofreading. there’s a lot of typos and other issues, which i’ll say is a result of the simultaneous release and a rushed schedule. i think these are easily fixed, but i dont think it ruins the overall experience that much. that being said:

i enjoyed it! while not my favorite due to its overall lighter tone, it still set out what it Wanted To Do. mahoyo was nasu’s first work, and he used it to get into the heart of his universe: mages. does it do a good job at this? id say Yeah. i think that it gets a little overzealous with explanations, but thats why soujyuro’s there. it explains the things you Need to know, and allows you to get yourself into the world.

on soujyuro, the characters are honestly some of nasu’s best just in terms of charm. every side character makes themself really visible despite the small cast, and it leads to you really enjoying the plethora of side moments the story gives you inbetween the main points. the one about soujyuro possibly working at a scam job is probably my favorite, just because of how it culminates all those characters into one scenario, and it ends on a really good note too there.

aoko as a protagonist is a joy. i’m always a sucker for Mean Women, and her character is really interesting after reading tsukihime, where she’s only caring to the one person in front of her. hell, even in her melty blood story modes, she’s still a little mean but in the way that’s kind at first glance. seeing her be Unabashedly An Asshole, especially when touko’s existence and personality stayed pretty much the same 9 years later in kara no kyoukai. the fact that you get to visibly see some of that kindness of dealing with soujyuro begin here to finally get to the end point of tsukihime is so cool, and really shows that nasu put care into that aspect.

alice was also a surprise favorite. her abilities are rad as hell (though, im still a little confused at aoko having called them Magic.) and the reveal at the end was such a big surprise i dont even wanna say it just in case someone’s reading this and Hasn’t Read It. her and aoko in the aquarium was a really good scene as well (insert joke about yuri aquariums) and her friendship with aoko is so fun to watch considering their Weird Circumstance Of Being Mages Who Will Kill Eachother. it ends up for a really enjoyable dichotomy and i like her a lot. Transgender i think

soujyuo. i dont know why i thought i wouldn’t be too interested in him but he grew on me FAST. his cute little expressions and his super upbeat personality led to him being Really Fucking Good. i’m super interested in his backstory as well, his life in the mountains being taken away after his father(?) died and soujyuro asked about why they were there. knowing how he’s a precursor to all of the other tm protagonists makes me think he was being trained in demon hunting or otherwise a la the nanaya, which would be a very interesting backstory for him.

on the lore side, i can’t say much due to how much i knew going in. however, seeing The Counter Force be against true magic makes sense and was cool for me to connect the dots on, even if the novel itself doesnt follow up on it and you’re just supposed to Know if you’ve read or will read stay night. its fun. i mentioned it before but it was a little funny to have alice cut off aoko before she could talk about all the true magics in detail. we will never know anything about the first or fourth.

it’s pacing felt a little fast. i really did want to spend more time with these characters and it felt like it ended fairly quickly at the end. i think the action doesnt rise as much as it could. i think that may also be an issue of Knowing Touko And Aoko Get Out Fine At The End, which i did get pretty worried for soujyuro at the end there but in a twist that was actually pretty out of left field for how i know nasus stories going, the whole kuonji estate gets to stick together after the fact. overall i think i still enjoy knk and tsukihime over it, but i think it has a broader appeal.

as a final note, koyama’s art style is an absolute wonder to look at. the personality he puts into his artwork is really strong, and all the expressions and such were absolutely amazing. its hard for me to say whether i prefer his art to the combination work him and takeuchi do for kagetsu tohya onward, it’s a nice change of pace. the backgrounds especially had me constantly in awe, especially the sweeping shots of misaki’s hills, it was incredible to look at every second of the way.

really, all i can say is type-moon is amazing as usual. and i really, really cant wait for not only red garden, but any future vns they put out (obviously the mahoyo trilogy, but… i do wanna see some new ips from nasu. it’s been since technically fate since we’ve gotten a whole new cast of characters from him)

[spicycoffeebean]

If you don't want to answer that's COMPLETELY fine and you can ignore this entirely, but if your comfort zone permits: I happened across your tag and am. curious how someone could use reddit to try and get someone to detransition. Like, do you mean she made a post about it to get people agreeing with her or??

Hi Anon! I'll be honest and say I'm glad somebody took notice enough to actually ask. Because I still refuse to believe it happened.

No! She did not make a Reddit post. She just sent me several posts from r/detrans to get me to detransition.

More below the cut! Idk how long this will be, but cw for transphobia and all around shitty/questionable behavior

For those who don't know (I can't track down the post, but I commented in tags) my own mother (60) has been very actively against my transition (ftm) since I began taking testosterone in November 2021(I have been openly trans and using he/him prns since 2018, so it's not like any of this was "new" information to her) On top of blatant misinformation, my mom tried to source REDDIT, the detransitioner's subreddit to prove that yes, people do detransition. Never once denied her that. My issue here is that no, she did not make a post, she was ~browsing~ the detransitioner subreddit r/detrans to push me to detransition. She was "sourcing" it (I wanna say she said in the same conversation that she doesn't trust sites that have LGBTQ+ flags despite the statistics being very real and very present. I'm an analytics/statistics student.)

I have a million issues with this, but very simply, she is using people's struggles and real trauma to fuel a transphobic agenda to get me to detransition (I was so much happier when I chose to be openly trans let alone when I actually started T last year.) If you actually read the subreddit, 99% of those stories are OP saying "Transitioning did not work for me" but not once do they denounce transitioning. They make it clear that their experiences with it did not work out.

“I talk to detransitioners all of the time” she said “Why don’t you talk to a real trans person?” I asked her “Because I know their story.” is what she said word for word Bitch I’m trans and I don’t know trans people’s stories. I just am trans?? I made it super easy for her. Talk to a doctor or a real trans person. She makes any excuse to NOT DO THIS. A cisgender doctor in California will tell you that you are out right wrong and doing more harm than any good you might see from it.

Less than 1% of people detransition, and the majority of those who detransition ARE STILL UNHAPPY. Even then a handful of people detransition because of society, family, or something simple as healthcare. People are denied healthcare because doctors don't want to provide basic care to a transgender person. (I live in the US where this practice would be illegal) My mother acts like I myself deny that people detransition while she literally won't acknowledge WHY people detransition at all. LGBT clinics are apparently shutting down in the UK, Norway, Sweden etc. Yeah cool cisgender people are losing healthcare too. But apparently that doesn't matter. My brother's(cis) bisexual and he could be denied care if he lived in such a place. I don't think she'd take kindly to that, knowing she was the most supportive when my brother came out well over 10 years ago.

I do not want my story or trauma to be used as fuel for a fire to hurt somebody else. I doubt any of these detransitioners would be happy knowing this either. Their stories are not for my mother to tell

anyway she sends me to college(to study analytics/statistics lol??) and insists I'm brainwashed and need an autism diagnosis(YES, SHE ASKED ME 3 TIMES TO GET ONE. NO I JUST HAVE ADHD. I ASKED DOCTORS FOR 5 YEARS ABT IT LOL)

She's just in denial she spent 1 million usd and 2 years of paperwork on a China doll because "[She] didn't want to try for another son" I was told this my entire childhood and it's haunting me almost every day now.

That's the super dumbed-down version of that Reddit comment. Let alone EVERYTHING ELSE she put me through the last 14 months.

TLDR; She did not make a post to get people to agree with her, she was just taking people's stories and struggles to fuel a hate agenda detransitioners themselves do not agree with (she cannot read.)

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hi! Do you have any bible verses you'd recommend for dealing with dysphoria? On bad days I have difficulties connecting to God because I don't feel like I'm me. Are there any that you use(d)? Have a lovely day!

Hey there, sorry for the delay! i really feel for you -- dysphoria sucks, especially with how it impacts our ability to connect to others and even to God. 

I have an old post here of Bible verses that could resonate with trans persons, including when Ye Olde Dysphoria strikes, such as:

1 Samuel 16:7 – “But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature…for the Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.’”

2 Corinthians 5:17 – “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Typically for myself, though, i tend to think of larger “chunks” of the Bible than just a verse or two -- i especially like to think of various biblical characters and how their experiences resonate with my own.

For gender dysphoria, for instance, i think of Jesus himself:

As Divinity beyond physicality, and beyond human gender, what did it feel like to squeeze into frail human flesh assigned male at birth? Did Jesus ever tire of being seen exclusively as a man?

We see throughout the Gospels that Jesus didn’t always play by the rules when it came to gender roles in his day. Did those roles and expectations feel constricting? 

Throughout the Gospels, Jesus is preoccupied with how people perceive him. I think of when he asks his disciples who others say that he is; and then he asks them, “but who do you say that I am?” He just wants to be known!! For people to understand who he is and why he’s on earth and how deeply he loves!!!!! i get so emotional thinking about it!

And to me, that’s so much of dysphoria -- we just wanna be seen and understood for who we really are! 

For more on trans Jesus, see my section “Assigned Male at Incarnation” on this webpage; or see my “Queer Nativity” podcast episode; or just wander through my #trans Jesus tag!

If you wander through the two Bible pages (here and here) of my timeline of gender diversity before and throughout Christian history, you’ll find other biblical figures whose stories resonate with trans experiences.

If you go and read their stories in the Bible and imagine yourself in their shoes, I think some of them will resonate with you when it comes to dysphoria. 

I suggest starting with Joseph of Genesis (section: “Joseph’s princess dress”) and the person carrying a jug of water (section: “A simple jar of water”).

Finally, my latest podcast episode explores the goodness of bodies, including transgender bodies -- with emphasis on God’s blessing of any changes we long to make to our bodies, even while we trust we our bodies are good even now, in this not-yet time when they still don’t feel quite like home. 

Wishing you an easing of dysphoria and a future full of euphoria! <3 

Anyone else have bible verses or passages they look to when dealing with gender dysphoria?

[what-even-is-thiss]

In light of these horrifying new rules I wanna talk about my experience with trans healthcare in an environment where both the law and company policy made my healthcare provider technically not discriminate against me.

I’m gonna talk about medical stuff and genitals and blood here so you’ve been warned.

I tried to figure out how to get hormone therapy from my insurance. I started with my therapist. She didn’t know. I went to my primary physician. He told me to talk to my therapist. I eventually had to tell him three times to talk to his manager who gave him a paper with the number and address for the gender clinic on it.

The gender clinic that my insurance covers is a four hour drive from my house. It is also completely overbooked all the time because it is one of only three gender clinics in the entire state of California and the only one covered by my insurance. That wouldn’t make a huge difference anyways because all three of them are a similar distance from where I live.

So I have to get telemedicine appointments with a gender therapist and an endocrinologist specially trained for dealing with trans patients. My pharmacy doesn’t carry testosterone gel and I have to wait for it to get in. Finally, after this whole process took me almost four months, I got on testosterone. End of story, right? Just do regular blood tests and continue with telemedicine right? Happily ever after? Wrong.

After a while, without my consent, my insurance changed my endocrinologist to a local one and I was forced to have an in-person appointment with her or else they weren’t going to refill my testosterone prescription. So I go to the appointment. I take the blood test (ignoring the nurses that misgender me and pronounce my name wrong) and I am so polite. I just want to go home.

And... the endocrinologist tells me that she won’t refill my prescription unless I get a pap smear. What’s a pap smear you may ask? It’s a test for cervical cancer. A cancer caused by a virus that I’ve been properly vaccinated for on a body part that I plan to get removed eventually. The way it works is that they prop the vagina open and scrape some cells off of the cervix. The body part that prevents things from entering the uterus.

Okay, I think. Fine. Body part that sometimes gives me dysphoria, super invasive procedure, kind of painful, but whatever. Millions of people get this done every year. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to suck. But I’ll get my testosterone prescription and prove to them that I don’t have cancer.

So I request a male gynecologist because in my personal experience male doctors misgender me less often. They give me a female gynecologist anyways. Her and the nurses misgender me through the entire process and use my deadname even when I ask them to stop. They question me several times about my period even after I tell them several times that I don’t have one anymore because I’m on testosterone. The whole process was so upsetting that I refused other optional tests they offered me, even ones I thought I would like to know about, because I just wanted to get out of that place as soon as possible.

I don’t have cervical cancer. Whoop de do. My endocrinologist gives me another nine months of testosterone refills. Hooray.

I still every three to nine months have to email and bother my endocrinologist a lot to get more refills. Sometimes she sets an ultimatum. I’ve gotta get this or that test done, even if I don’t need it. Or I’ve gotta see her in person or give her a detailed report on how I’m doing. And I do it. Because I need testosterone. The idea of being forced off of it scares me more than death. And getting another endocrinologist doesn’t work. Because most of them in my area do very similar things. And I understand blood tests. I get that. But even during checkups that aren’t related to trans healthcare I’m still misgendered and deadnamed even though my new name and gender identity is in the system. Even though they put patents preferred pronouns on their charts. Even when I have visible stubble on my face.

My primary physician is the only person who never does this to me and he’s actually put in the effort to take basic training surrounding trans patients but nobody else that treats me has. And why don’t I file a complaint? Well, who else is going to hold my prescriptions hostage? I have no idea and historically law enforcement of every kind isn’t on trans people’s side. And I’m broke! I need my dad’s insurance to get my T and asthma control inhalers. I’d possibly die without them. I can’t jeopardize any of that. So I have to let them push me around.

This is my experience with a good insurance company in the state of California. A state that has mandated trans healthcare be covered for a while. What is trans healthcare gonna look like after doctors are allowed to legally discriminate against transgender patients when this is what our healthcare looks like under the most ideal of circumstances in this country?

[pudgecuddles]

My Content & Boundaries

[No need to be alarmed! Nothing has happened to prompt this, I just figured it was about time that I pin a post like this.]

Welcome to my kink blog! This post is here to introduce myself, disclose what type of content that I may reblog or post here (including trigger warnings) and state my boundaries concerning who I want and don’t want interacting with me or my blog.

Intro:

Hi! I’m pudgecuddles! I’ve been here in the community as a lurker since 2018, and finally got around to making this sideblog about 2 years ago under the handle “prettypudgy”. I changed my username slightly after some twitter douchecanoes took screenshots of my content and made threads mocking it.

I am 24 years old and identify as female. Please use she/her pronouns when referring to me. I won’t be mad at all though if you use they/them or he/him, but I’ll probably just gently let you know what I prefer  :)

I am aromantic/asexual, meaning that I do not experience romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender identity or expression. I still experience aesthetic attraction, and of course enjoy the concept of weight gain as a kink.

Although I am participating in them, I am not looking for RP partners at the moment!

My Content and the Content I Reblog:

Although I do like fluffy and mild WG content (ya’ll who make that type of content are amazing and beautiful and deserve all the love and reblogs in the world), I do enjoy darker and less popular tropes/kinks as well. Up until recently the majority of the stuff I’ve reblogged has been cute and moderate, but I have been working on my own stories and RPs which happen to be on the more intense/darker side.

My content going forward may include topics such as:

Extreme Weight Gain Immobility Mind Break Pet/Pig Play BDSM Humiliation Manipulation Feminization Dub-Con Watersports Eproctophilia Slob Abusive Relationships (it’s not something I enjoy writing, but I may reblog it)

I will always tag specific topics and tropes that may not be for everyone such as immobility or fart kink stuff. And definitely triggering content such as dub-con or degradation. For example, I will tag it as “Immobility”, “cw Immobility” and “tw Immobility”, in case someone has only one tag blacklisted.

Please keep yourself safe! This community is supposed to be a comfortable, creative area where users can curate a homepage of content that matches thier tastes and respects their boundaries. I will not be offended at all if you decide to block me or my written/rendered content. All I ask is if you’re already an acquaintance or mutual of mine that you let me know before you do  :)  You don’t even need to tell me why, I just don’t want to wonder if I made you mad or were ignoring me on purpose.

Zero hard feelings, seriously! The block button is there to protect you!

Boundaries:

Please do not hit on me, or unexpectedly discus sexual topics without me knowing your age and instigating it. It is different if I already know you and am comfortable speaking with you like that.

Yes: Pudgecuddles: Wow that drawing is ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) You, 18+: Wanna see him get bigger? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

No: Pudgecuddles: Wow! I love your line work! It’s so clean and really compliment’s the shading! You, 18+: Wanna see him get bigger? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

No: Pudgecuddles: Wow! I love your line work! It’s so clean and really compliment’s the shading! You, 16: Wanna see him get bigger? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Yes: Pudgecuddles: Wow! I love your line work! It’s so clean and really compliment’s the shading! You, 16: Thank you so much! ^_^  What do you think about the shape of his hands?

Minors: If you do not have your age, (or at least an 18+ only, or “I am an adult!”) in your bio, I will either ask you for your age or choose not to interact directly with you. This is not a punishment or a personal vendetta. I just do not feel comfortable interacting directly with minors when it comes to NSFW kink content. I am okay with reblogging your content, as supporting those in the community that are still young and exploring their identities in a safe and distant way is very important to me. I am so happy for you that you have found a welcoming and protective space to safely explore your sexuality and discuss your favorite groups. It’s what I wish I had when I was younger.

But I ask that you don’t attempt to private message me or participate in conversations that are sexual in nature.

Bigotry: Do not interact with me, my blog or my content if you do not support all LGBTQ+ identities. This includes but is not limited to: Transgender folk, Bisexuals, Pansexuals, Polysexuals, Omnisexuals, Asexuals, Aromantics and Non-Binary/Agender peeps. TERFs, exclusionists and Battleaxe Bisexuals are not welcome and will be insta-blocked. Same with those that participate in “discourse” on these topics.

If you do not believe that Black Lives Matter or support Donald Trump or any conservative party, politician or policy, please unfollow and block me. They have killed thousands of people and actively lobby against minorities.

This is the only time that I will be political on this blog. I am infinitely more outspoken/advocating on my main, but this sideblog is supposed to be a stress-free, kinky escape from the horrors of reality. I go on my main to reblog petitions, I go on here to reblog erotica.

This does not mean that I do not care, or that I am not an ally or that I enable racists or transphobes. It just means that I recognize that sometimes people get burnt out from constantly being reminded of the policies that harm them, or acts of violence against their race. I want this blog to be an escape, for both myself and my followers.

Hate/Trolling: Hateful or negative comments on me or my friend’s content will get your account blocked. This ranges from “ew” to telling them to kill themselves. This behavior is not tolerable anywhere, and the more extreme comments will be reported to Tumblr staff. Comments saying our content is disgusting will automatically tell me you think it’s hot and are in denial. How very sad. I will dedicate my grossest story to you specifically.

Inter-Community Drama: Mob behavior, brigading, witch hunting, call out posts (vague or by name), vitriolic hate and bullying of any type is something that makes me extremely uncomfortable due to having experienced cyberbullying in the past. Making people deactivate, continuing to attack them after apologies and other related behavior will get you blocked no matter the quality of your content, your standing in the community or our relationship history.

I cannot deal with seeing that behavior and it scares me continuing to interact with those that I learn can so easily turn on their friends like that.

That’s All Folks!

[wangxiangiftexchange]

Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia​, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

[teacherunicorn]

Delores Theadosia Hargreeves

Chapter Fifteen

Italics = memories

@tomisbaeholland

A/N: I am aware of Elliot Page coming out as transgender and am fully supportive of it. With the future of his character still in the wind however, I will be using she/her pronouns for Vanya for my writings at least for the time being. If rumors are true and the character will be transitioning as well, I will wrap it into my story accordingly. For now, I'm just following the plot of season one.

Diego was one of two Hargreeves children left in the city, and was the first to arrive back at the manor. The place had always been too big for comfort, but it still seemed strange seeing it so empty.

Not for the first time, he wondered what Delores' life here had been like before they'd come into it.

Traditionally, boxing was a more serious sport. The kind that attracted harsher people, under the counter bets and the like. Then again, Delores Theadoisa Hargreeves had never been traditional.

She stood just outside the fighting ring jumping up and down, and waving a handmade sign over her head. "Go Diego! Boo everyone else!"

Diego's opponent of the night; a burly man with full sleeve tattoos, looked between him and the tiny blonde.

"Your girl's got a lotta faith in ya."

Diego smiled but didn't drop his guard. "Wouldn't wanna disappoint." he said before throwing a heavy right hook into the man's jaw.

“Diego my boy.” Pogo’s voice broke him from his memories. “Good to see you.”

“Hey Pogo.” Diego smiled and hugged the chimp. “Anyone else turn up yet?”

“You are the first, but I expect your siblings shall be along shortly.”

“Delores?”

“The news got to her rather late, but she assured me she’d be on the first available plane.” Pogo informed. “Till then, she’s tasked me with keeping the rest of you in line.”

Number Two laughed. “Yeah, good luck.”

******

Next to arrive was Alison. Getting the news about Reginald’s death via paparazzi hadn’t been pretty, and frankly if it hadn’t gone down that way she probably wouldn’t have come. She had enough of her plate as it was.

“Onward to desert!” Delores ran across the large backyard, a then one year old Claire ridding piggyback. Patrick, who had been manning the grill for the barbecue, laughed and held the package of oreos over their heads. He was taller than Delores, so even with Claire on her back they couldn’t reach them.

Things had been a lot simpler when ‘Gammy Lori’ could be called any hour of the day. Having raised seven kids, Delores was much more capable of dealing with Claire than Alison was. It was hard sometimes not to take advantage of that.

It was even harder to stand by the lessons Delores had taught her and not take the easy way out.

“I want Gammy Lori!” a three year old Claire whined.

“Gammy Lori is working sweetie. She’s in Pennsylvania.”

“Where’s that?”

“A really long way away.”

“Can we go get her?”

“No, we can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s busy.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s very smart and works with smart people.”

“Why?”

“I heard a rumor that you stopped whining.”

******

Klaus tumbled in through one of the back doors and was immediately skimming the place for valuables.

"Really?" Ben's spirit said over his shoulder. "Didn't you tell Dede you'd keep at least a two month period between troubles with the law?"

"Hey, it's not like the old man is around to report anything stolen anymore. "God knows DT isn't gonna miss any of it; she hates this gaudy shit."

Every remaining member of the Umbrella Academy had a key to Delores' condo in the city. As such, it wasn't uncommon for her to come home to find one of them on her couch.

It was usually Klaus.

Number Four groaned as he blinked back to consciousness. His blurry vision focused in on the figure sitting on the coffee table. "Oh, hey DT. How long have you been here?"

"Couple hours. I came to check if you were alive again. You've been kinda in and out." While she didn't approve of Klaus' drug habits, Delores was the only one -- apart from Ben -- who understood why he had them.

"I didn't say anything stupid, did I?"

"You don't need drugs for that, Klausy."

"She's right, you know." Ben chimed from where he leaned against the couch's armrest.

Klaus threw a glare at the spirit over his shoulder before turning back to his caretaker. "Sorry, shady asshole must've mixed something in with the product. It's usually not that heavy...."

"Haven't I told you stay away from those types?"

"Com'on DT, I am one of those types!"

"Those are the rock bottom types that end up in a ditch somewhere." Delores flicked him in the head, making him wince as she rattled his hangover.

"Thank you!" Ben exclaimed.

"The type that don't have their big sister to push them into rehab. Speaking of, didn't you just get out of it like a week ago?" She continued, unaware that Number Six was even there.

"Maybe...." Klaus muttered. "But I'm not really the cold turkey type; you know that."

"There has to be something better." Delores sighed. "If you would stick around for more than a few days sleeping off a bender, you and I could figure it out! I've been riddling out your powers since you were born."

"No." Klaus said firmly. "Alright, I may be a deadbeat addict, but you are the one person who I refuse to mooch off of."

"Klausy --"

"Klaus --"

"Non!" He cut off both of them. "It took you way to long to get out from under dad's ass. You've finally got a life for yourself! Majority rules; you were out voted. No more mother henning!"

*******

Having the furthest to travel, it wasn't surprising that Luther arrived late to the mansion.

He had been the last of the Umbrella Academy, chasing the heroics dream Reginald kept feeding him. He and Delores had gotten into more than one argument regarding this, but she had always been there when he really needed her, wether she was angry with him or not.

Unfortunately, he had been out voted and she had left too.

Logically he knew it was good for her. She sounded so much happier on the phone than she had living here. The stubborn part of him that believed in the Academy's roles however knew her place was with them, even if they weren't kids anymore.

Delores hadn't been informed of his mission gone awry; his near death experience, what had brought him back, and the side effects of it. Reginald had done something or another to keep that out of the media, and Luther himself certainly wasn't looking to tell her.

The real kicker had been the moon mission. Reginald had sprung it on him so suddenly that he hadn't had the chance to call Delores beforehand.

He stood hunched in the doorway of her old room, eyes drifting over the relics she had left behind. Since Delores traveled so much, she hadn't taken everything with her when she first left. The majority of her things were now in her condo in the city, but there were still a few dusty pictures on the walls.

Moving forward caused his fingers to brush against the scritches on the doorway. Carved into the wood with one of Diego's knives were a series of dashes and dates marking the life of the Umbrella Academy.

Luther strained to stretch as straight as he could, resisting the urge to get on his tiptoes. He'd tried sneaking that past Delores and she'd smacked his head with the ruler.

The flat of a blade cut into the wood behind him and he immediately jumped forward to see her scratching the day's date next to it with a practiced hand.

"So?" He asked eagerly.

"Hmm." Delores held the ruler between an older mark and the mark she'd just made. "One and a half inches."

"Yes! I'm still the tallest!"

"Second tallest." Delores said, leaning her elbow atop his head.

"I told you to stop doing that!" He swatted at her, taking a step back to be out of reach.

"But you make such a good armrest!"

"Just you wait Dee; some day I'm gonna be even taller than you and you'll be the armrest!"

"Whatever you say squirt."

*******

Hesitant to come at all, Vanya was the last of the siblings to walk through the front door.

Ever quiet as a mouse, she stepped into the entry hall in near silence. Her sister was less so however.

"Vanya." Alison said in surprise as she came through the doorway of the living room. "You came."

"Hey Allison." Vanya smiled and accepted the hug offered to her.

Her flicker of confidence evaporated when Diego walked through the room and glared at her. "What's she doing here? You don't belong here, not after what you did."

"Diego now is not the time for fighting. And way to dress for the occasion by the way!" Alison called to his retreating back.

"At least I'm wearing black!"

"H-He's right, I shouldn't be here..." Vanya shook her head, wondering why she'd bothered. It wasn't like Delores would leave the country again without coming to see her -- she was the only family member who was still talking to her after all.

"No, hey." Alison cut her off. "I want you here."

The smile Vanya gave her sister was small and somewhat forced. The sentiment was kind, but patronizing. Everyone had been mad at her after her book had been published; even Delores.

Vanya unlocked her apartment door and jumped out of her skin at the sight of Delores sitting on her couch. She shouldn't be surprised at this point really, the older woman had mad it a habit since she'd been given a key.

"You should have locks on your windows." the caretaker commented idly.

"I live on the second floor."

"Rapist can climb."

"You are so weird." Vanya shook her head as she locked the door behind her.

"Oh now that's a simpleton word. You got much more creative as I recall. What was it? Apathetic, obtuse, and desperate to keep control?"

"M-my editor didn't like me making you a good guy when everyone else --"

"Oh will get to everyone else; you had no right to say what you did about them either. Airing out the dirty laundry for all to see....I'm really disappointed in you, Vanya."

*******

Vanya was the last of the Hargreeves siblings to walk through the front door, but certainly not the last to arrive.

After a very tense conversation about their father's death -- Luther was convinced it was murder, and while he didn't accuse anyone outright it was clear he didn't put it past them.

Everyone had split off to different areas of the house, and Luther thumbed through the records on the shelf in his room. The group really didn't do well as a group without Delores, but maybe he could at least minimize the hostility while they waited for her.

Finding the one he was looking for, he set it onto the player and turned the volume up as high as it would go. Soon enough, Delores' favorite song was echoing through the manor halls.

I think we're alone now

There doesn't seem to be anyone around

I think we're alone now

Alone now

The beating of our hearts is the onl-

The music was cut off rather abruptly as the walls and floor began to shake. Everything metallic went flying, and a large wave of something was glowing a familiar blue color in the backyard.

Next

[destiny-smasher]

“But I can't walk on the path of the right, because I'm wrong.”

So, The Last of Us Part 2 is out. It’s about 25 hours long. I’ve played it. I loved it, but it’s got its flaws. I think the hype buildup was overblown, and I think the zealous hate from the leaks was also overblown. This is a beautifully produced game that is trying to do much more than the typical AAA game tries to do, and in so trying, it’s messier, muddier, and more complicated than its predecessor. I love it for that, despite my issues with how the game ultimately resolves things.

I think Naughty Dog was either intentionally misleading audiences (which, given the marketing, is possible) or perhaps Neil himself has a different concept of the game he directed than what was actually delivered. Despite how it was advertised, The Last of Us Part 2 is not inherently about ‘hate’ or ‘revenge.’ It’s not just a revenge story.

It's a story about empathy, about how human beings and their interactions have layers, and how we are better when we extend blind empathy to others instead of blind hatred. I gotta talk about this. SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME to follow.

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Seriously, final warning for SPOILERS.

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This game is simply too big, too complex, and has too much going on for me to write a single piece going over everything there is to talk about, but there are some things I need to say that inherently rely on discussing the entire game in a spoiler-filled way.

Let’s start with the most noticeable thing that has hit me over this game’s reception: people like Joel way more than I would’ve expected. SO much of this game’s negative reception seems to be over Joel’s character and the circumstances around his death. I was not at all surprised that he died - I was a bit surprised at when and how he died, in the moment, but even by the end of the next scene, it had washed over me how much sense it made. He died in the same way everyone else dies in this series. He had it coming in the same way anyone else in this world has it coming. He was never a hero. If you truly look at Joel as a ‘hero’ figure but don’t extend that same logic to Ellie and Abby, you do not make sense to me.

I’ve seen a LOT of hate getting thrown at Abby, and frankly, I do not understand it, and if you hate her but do NOT hate Joel or Ellie similarly, then I inherently don’t respect your opinion? You’re being blatantly biased and unreasonable in exactly the way this game is arguing you should not be. Straight up. Get your transphobic jokes the fuck outta here. Get your homophobic takes on Ellie and Dina the fuck outta here. Get your xenophobic complaints about the MUCH more diverse cast of characters in this sequel the fuck outta here. The ONE case where I could see a reasonable thing to be conflicted about is Lev’s character, because they are a transgender kid who gets deadnamed by some NPCs. As a transgender person, I personally found this to just...make sense and feel organic to the world, and none of the actual characters in the narrative with names or roles in the story ever deadname Lev. Lev is fucking precious and I love him, and I think his inclusion adds inherently more to this game than otherwise, despite the understandable conflict some might feel about his backstory. To ME, the fact that all of what Lev goes through and how Yara and Abby do what they can to look for him, that says to me, “protect trans rights” and I am glad it is there. Trans people have to deal with that shit sometimes, I think it’s fine having it be PART of a wider narrative. It doesn’t define Lev’s story, it doesn’t dictate the plot of the game, it’s a spark that sets some events off and I think that adds more than it could potentially take away, as does the overall representation in the game.

Getting back to this element of bias, though, I get that you “went on a journey” with Joel and Ellie in the first game. I get that. But you spend about as much time with Abby in this game as you did with Joel in the first game. And I see a lot of people are SOMEHOW totally fine and chill and cool with Joel going on a murder rampage in the first game, specifically killing at least one man who was specifically trying to save humanity - they cite that Joel is a morally gray person who has done bad things and is trying to become a better person. Sure, cool, OK. And Ellie, sure, ya’ll will think her going on a bloodthristy revenge quest is cool, fine, A-OK, because Joel was murdered. But somehow they are physically incapable of extending that same empathy to Abby, even after the game bends OVER BACKWARD in every reasonable way it could. Why is this? One person tweeted at me the simplistic, reductive idea, 

“ I know the sensible thing that naughty dog was aiming at was that we'd feel sorry for abby and eventually grow to like her, but for me I just don't. I loved Joel and I love Ellie. They didn't kill anyone who I loved as a character. Abby did. “

At least they’re being honest with themselves in that they literally missed the entire point of the game. You having personal bias you cannot remove yourself from does not make for “A DEEPLY FLAWED STORY” or whatever the fuck people have been tossing around.

I personally don’t buy any of that bullshit until we get into the final hours of the game during the epilogue, but we’ll get to that.

Everything in the first 20-ish hours of this game felt organic and believable and completely in line with the first game to me, and the fact that ALL OF IT happens as a direct after-effect of Joel’s selfish act at the end of the first game really contextualizes how/why it was called ‘Part 2.’ So honestly, all of this nonsense about this sequel being ‘badly written’ is just...bonkers. I will agree it’s not some master class in writing - neither was the original game. But both games are very similar in writing style, tone, and the world presented is consistent, while character motivations are realistically complicated. Naughty Dog has never been great at plot, but the real quality of their work comes through in how much effort they go to in order to present realistic feeling worlds and characters, and from the environments to the actors to the extra animations on top, I think the details and the context they create are where they shine.

To better understand where I am coming from with this game, let me lay this on you.

During the scene in that basement, when Abby shot Joel in the leg, and Ellie shows up...I realized what was about to happen. Ironically, it was exactly what I had originally predicted was the thing going on WAY back when the game’s reveal trailer was dropped -- that Joel was dead, and was motivating Ellie’s revenge quest. If you’ve read what I have written of Arcadian Rhythms, you will have some idea of my feelings on Joel and Ellie’s relationship -- in short, I think it is complicated, and just as damaging as it is good. That’s real life. That’s how reality is for many relationships, especially ones between parents and their kids, especially in my experience. When I realized Joel was about to be murdered, my feelings and thoughts were not jumping to ‘oh fuck what an asshole I wanna kill these people’ or ‘oh no not Joel’ but rather, my immediate gut thoughts were ‘yupppp Joel kinda deserves this, he literally did this to who knows how many other people, but why are THESE people, specifically, out to get him?’ 

When Ellie later cites to Dina that there’s ‘no point’ in speculating as to why these people murdered Joel, because it could be for one of many possible reasons, I found that to be interesting -- Ellie herself acknowledging that Joel had fucked over many other people, while still pursuing revenge herself.

I do think the theme of ‘the cycle of violence’ is very core to this game and arguably is its strongest central theme, specifically because violence in wholly integrated into its gameplay. But narratively and structurally, empathy is, I would argue, even more paramount. This game spends about 12 hours of its runtime (so about half of the entire game) actively trying to encourage you to understand, relate with, and empathize with Abby. The developers COULD have had you swapping back and forth between both characters, which might have resulted in better pacing, but I think it would’v taken away from what they were going for. It’s that long, slow burn that makes Abby’s side of the story work, in much the same way the long, slow burn of the first game does what it does, and the way the long, slow burn of Ellie’s revenge quest helps us see just how far gone she is.

But “arghh I hated Ellie she kept making bad decisions that made no sense” some of you say, “they did her DIRTY” some of you say.

No.

Joel did her dirty.

The Fireflies did her dirty.

And it’s this exact concept -- that our actions and choices have consequences and ripple outward beyond what we can initially imagine - that is at the heart of why I think I love this game so much. Most video games depict a pool of water that is either a constant whirlpool, a raging clash of waves, or stone dropped in the middle and the ripples spreading out. The Last of Us Part 2 is more like a series of ripples all happening simultaneously, and not all of them are as apparent or even important, but it’s just...a bunch of ripples all happening all over the place.

And it breaks my heart, during 2020, a year when human rights, systemic racism, a worldwide pandemic, late capitalism, and entire countries submerged in protests because their government is fucking them over...has people shutting off or refusing to turn on their empathy to anyone outside of their bubble. In 2020, when the world needs empathy more than any other year I’ve experienced in my life thus far, a game like this goes SO FAR above and beyond what most games try to do, in a very risky and controversial way, to actively invite its players to fucking STOP AND CONSIDER for a damn moment that there’s more to the world than JUST YOU and what you care about. That your actions have consequences beyond your singular perspective.

Ellie is fueled by rage for a number of reasons, and we don’t even understand all of them until literally the final moments of the game, which I found to be appropriate as it ends on a note of reminding us that there is ALWAYS something we don’t know, something we don’t understand, motivating someone else’s decisions.

Ellie was robbed of agency, of purpose, by both Joel and the Fireflies. Joel robbed both Ellie and the Fireflies of their purpose. And the Fireflies robbed Ellie and Joel of theirs. In return, Ellie is left without purpose, and all she’s really left with is a broken man who desperately wants to be a dad again, to the point that he will murder and lie to hold on to that. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t necessarily hold it against Joel that he murdered people to save Ellie. I will always defend the idea that it was a fucking selfish decision that would realistically lead to consequences. But in the same way Marlene points out to Abby’s dad, ‘What if it was your kid?’ ie ‘What if it was someone you loved?’ I get that, that’s the beauty of how the first game ended. It presents a zero sum game where there is no ‘correct’ choice that everyone can agree on, but in the back of our heads -- and Part 2 actually states this as a point of fact -- we all know Ellie would have CHOSEN to sacrifice herself, had she been asked.

So it was deliciously realistic to me to see Ellie grappling with the frustration, distrust, and anger of Joel having not only robbed that purpose from her, but having lied to her about it. And in the end, it was also wonderfully realistic that part of why she hated Abby so much was that Abby inadvertently robbed her of her chance to try and rebuild and repair that broken relationship.

But here’s the thing, though - the thing I see fucking NO ONE talking about, and I can’t decide if it’s because no one is picking up on it or what.

Both Ellie and Abby are haunted and driven by broken men making selfish choices. Their selfishness keeps both characters kind of locked in to desperately grasping at violent acts to justify a purpose.

Some will play the flashbacks with Joel and will feel warmth and nostalgia and admiration. Some will play the flashbacks with Owen and feel disinterest or disgust because ‘why should I care about these people?’

For me, I couldn’t help bu draw parallels to how both Owen and Joel were men trying to be good, you know, not being specifically evil people, but men who were a bad influence on the women around them, who were great and good and charming and all that until things didn’t go the way they wanted, pushing and prodding with passive digs and pressure to reaffirm their own hopes that despite their mistakes, they’re ‘good men.’ Owen is admittedly much less well developed in this regard, partly because his arc just isn’t as deep or interesting, partly because he didn’t exist in the previous game. But I still could not quite shake it. I grew up with men like Joel and Owen as my father figures, so there’s personal bias there.

I literally had an actual nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night partway through playing through this game because Joel was in it and I said or did a thing he did not like, and his reaction spooked me awake, in part because I LIVED that growing up. (not murder, but violence, passive aggressive manipulation) I absolutely adore the depth given to Joel’s character, that he has LAYERS to him, and I loved seeing Tommy similarly expanded upon. (him passively prodding at Ellie to try and make good with Joel felt a little manipulative, given that he KNOWS what Joel did; and even his wife’s prodding at Ellie at the game’s outside to ‘make good’ with some old jerk who seems all expectant about being rewarded for basic apologizing, ech)

Last of Us is a horror game, Part 2 even moreso, but it was the feeling of men like Joel who do bad things and then try to justify them after the fact that actually creeped me out more -- all the more creepy because I KNOW Ellie and Abby will give up on better choices to try and ‘do right by them’. I was relieved when Abby began to break free from these old, poor choices, even shortly after making more fo them during her half of the story. This brings me to another fascinating aspect of this game: how Abby’s story is a combination of both Joel’s and Ellie’s.

Dunkey (of all people!) recently praised this game and compared Ellie’s and Abby’s narratives to TLOU1 and Uncharted 4, and I agree with him in a lot of regards, there, but I think what the team was more going for was for Abby’s story to feel like a combination of Joel’s and Ellie’s while simultaneously being directly impacted by Joel and Ellie’s story.

Abby grew up in a military community, even though she expressed an interest in science -- just like Ellie. The death of her father drives her on a quest for revenge -- just like Ellie. She does some horrible shit to people all in the service of trying to protect a kid as some desperate attempt to feel better about all of the bad shit she’s done -- just like Joel. She starts to let herself be empathetic to other people and tries to become a better person because of the kid she takes under her wing -- just like Joel.

In a way, you could argue Part 2′s overall story is kind of repetitious. Ellie’s quest for revenge is a bit too narrow-minded and blind in her rage, and Abby’s story kind of recycles many components we have already seen up until that point. I think what’s there still generally accomplishes what it set out to do: get us to question and try to understand why people do what they do, and consider our own place in that cycle, in those ripples.

I think many aspects of this game that look circumstantial on the surface are not accidents.

I think the recurring imagery of water is an allegory for how we can let rage, anger, and hate drown us. The game’s title starts with a boat drifting in water, and the title changes after the ending to a boat that is beached. The Seattle arc shows a gradually increasing focus on water flooding the environments, culminating in a big rainstorm with crazy waves. The final fight sequence (which tbh I hated but we’ll get to that) takes place literally IN water, involves Ellie trying to drown Abby, and ends with the two of them going separate ways in their boats.

I think it’s no accident that Abby and Ellie’s desire for vengeance is ultimately caused by the same specific moment, and I think it’s interesting that many people seem to skip RIGHT OVER the idea that Ellie feels such a deep sense of rage at Abby killing Joel only because Joel made the decision that caused Abby to kill him in the first place -- and the good and bad that came from that. It’s just a brilliantly complicated web, I think, and that further highlights that none of these characters are inherently good or evil, which is pretty much the entire point of this world in the first place.

I think it’s interesting that both Ellie and Abby grumble insults all of the time over the people they’re killing, and both try to justify their violence with thoughts like “well we’re better then that, we don’t do THOSE kinds of things,” which is, ya know, literally the kinds of mental hoops actual real human beings jump through to justify doing bad shit to each other.

I liked the idea of the trading cards until fairly early on when I found the ‘Dr. Uckmann’ card, which...made me roll my eyes a little at first, until I read the description, which then made me feel more actively uncomfortable than maybe anything else in the entire game, to be quite honest. Partly because it rang of entitled self-importance, but partly because of the reports of Naughty Dog crunch culture.

And on that note, let’s talk about how this game arguably crunched its employees way more than it needed to while simultaneously making its story more bloated than it needed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love indulging in more STUFF than it required. I can totally see the appeal of writing extra stuff to a story like because you can, because it’s interesting, because it’s fun to MAKE shit. But when you are a AAA game development studio who is potentially crunching your employees into burnout, maybe a fairly pointless epilogue on top of a game that is already arguably a bit too long in the tooth is...maybe not the best way to go?

On the upside, I enjoyed playing the Santa Barbara location, I loved getting some more Abby/Lev time, I liked seeing Ellie a bit older, I LOVED the scene at the farm with her, Dina, and JJ. I loved the gameplay challenge that was the Rattler’s base. I loved that this game had noticeably larger environments to explore.

But tbh a LOT of content could’ve been cut from this game to make a smoother, better paced experience while simultaneously putting less strain on the developers. I do think the extended flashback sequences focused on non-violent gameplay is important enough to justify itself, but I think a lot of the more violent or unnecessary parts of the game (like the entire sequence on the Seraphite’s island and the Santa Barbara sequence) all feel like...EXTRA? Which on the one hand is great because hot DAMN more beautifully rendered locations, content, etc. but on the other hand I’m not sure it adds as much to justify the real life pain and misery I’m sure some developers went through to create it all, and in a way, it doesn’t quite justify its own existence if we’re being critical.

I get what they were going for with the Seraphites and the WLF but neither group is developed enough to really accomplish the goals of empathy. I think focusing on specific members OF those groups is better, because that is ultimately how real life people break down their walls of bias, -isms, etc. -- they just interact with and befriend people from these groups and realize organically “oh hey we’re all...people, huh.” The game’s attempts at naming NPCs and dogs don’t do much when the game actively rewards you for killing them (speaking of which, I played on Normal and there were way too many items imo, we’ll see how that is on higher difficulties). We could get into the role of violence and gameplay but that’s a WHOLE other can of worms.

But the Rattlers in the final act are even worse. After this entire game of being actively encouraged to empathize with other people from other groups and let yourself consider they aren’t evil, the game just...shoves an objectively worse group of people at you, asks you to murder them, and then...discards the whole thing without a second thought. I found this to be fun from a gameplay perspective (sorry Neil, playing your game actually IS FUN when you put so much work into making the violence fun to engage with) but I found it weird and frustrating from a storytelling perspective, as if the whole thing was an undercooked, unfinished final act that they cobbled together because they just...wanted enemies with helmets and an environment depicting southern California. Hell, tbh I don’t even get why Ellie had to be there other than the developers didn’t think players would be OK just...letting Ellie live a life in peace on a farm or that players would be OK NOT playing as Ellie at the end and letting her beat the shit out of Abby.

I actually LOVED the farm sequence, it felt so...weird for a while. Like you’re just waiting for the hat to drop. And when it does...it’s just PTSD. And that felt right. That felt good, that even though Ellie was spared, after all the shit she did, because she let go and spared Abby in return, she got to live this peaceful life...except life’s not that simple and old scars can still hurt.

I loved when Tommy showed up and we got to see that darker side to him we KNOW has been there this entire time, but Ellie maybe hasn’t been forced to see it. All the way up until this point, I felt I could understand where the characters were coming from and what motivated their decisions.

And then Ellie decided “no, actually, maybe if I throw all of this away I can maybe get rid of this PTSD I got from throwing everything away before.” And then it got worse when after she breaks into this fucking slave house to free people, after she saves Abby and Lev from dying on posts, she STILL wants to fight. ANd Abby’s where I’m at -- that ‘fucking REALLY?’ feeling. I utterly disliked the fight scene in the water. It was the one time in the whole game that actually felt like misery porn to me. I was honestly going into it expecting that maybe Ellie’s stab wound from the trap would cause her to be too weak to fight, and she’d literally drown from bleeding out because of her own unrelenting pursuit of revenge. But nah, we’re put through a pointless, brutal fist/knife fight that...doesn’t really have purpose imo. WHatever you wanted to accomplish here, you could’ve done back in the theater in Seattle. (on that note I LOVED the Ellie boss fight, what a fun gameplay thing and also just tense all around since you really couldn’t tell what was going to happen, but I LOVE that Lev stopped Abby from killing Dina, even though she had every reason to)

I can imagine different versions of the Santa Barbara sequence that offer a more edifying conclusion while still working in the environmental and gameplay components they seemed insistent on working in. It’s the one major portion of the game that, now that I’ve had time to process, I feel the most conflicted about.

Neither Ellie nor Abby “deserve” a happy ending in much the same way Joel didn’t “deserve” a happy ending. This game has no true protagonists or villains (anyone who is presented as a ‘villain’ is minor, and we don’t find out much about them anyway). I think Joel was lucky to get the time he got to live in community once again, to rediscover his humanity (look at all of those flowers they left at his house, this man who fucked over humanity and murdered countless people had a chance to live a few years of peaceful life again), I think Ellie was lucky she got time to even live what she did on that farm with Dina and JJ, and was lucky to still be alive at the end of the story. I think Abby was lucky to have been able to break free from a life of militaristic bullshit and rediscover some of her own lost humanity.

I think a lot of people admire Joel as a hero when it’s clear he was never one.

I think a lot of people admire Ellie and try to idolize her as the smarmy kid she could never permanently exist as.

I think a lot of people hate on Abby for EXISTING (and being a woman -gasp- WITH MUSCLES) and I’m pretty pleased with Laura Bailey getting to play this role (and Ashly Burch getting a supporting role in this game, too, for that matter).

I think The Last of Us is not ‘about Ellie and Joel.’ I think The Last of Us is about humanity, and exploring it through different angle. Sometimes needlessly gritty and dark ones, but Part 2 gave us even more light-hearted, pelasant moments than I could have expected. I think people who look so reductively at this game -- now officially a ‘series’ -- as ‘Joel and Ellie 100x forever’ and literally anything outside of that being bad and a waste of time fundamentally missed the entire purpose of this game, ironically ignoring what it is trying to passionately to convey. I think Naughty Dog’s marketing of the game actively misled people in ways that are rare for the industry, and I do think that is a bit shady - but on the other hand, being misled actively improved my experience with the end product (which is arguably why they did it). I think the way Sony has latched on Joel and Ellie as ‘Playstation Icons’ and encouraged people to buy up TLOU merch depite there not being much TO turn into merchandise says something.

Also? Frankly?

I am SO FUCKING TIRED of “angry sad dad” games.

Like. I loved TLOU 1, I loved the new God of War, etc. etc.

But God of War took basically NO RISKS and had NOTHING TO SAY that countless other pieces of media have said to death. That’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, I really enjoyed it and look forward to the next. But this game actually has challenging thoughts, complicated things, it is trying to get players to consider, and most everyone I see shitting on the game either hasn’t played it or doesn’t seem interested in games that exist for something beyond making them feel good about themselves? I dunno.

I think at the end of the day, TLOU as an entire series, and specifically the sequel, isn’t about Joel and Ellie, that was just the more focused lens the original game had. For its messier, muddier experience, Part 2 strives for nothing more than many pieces of media have but for something that is still rare in the space of AAA video games.

It takes some risks, it makes some missteps in getting where it goes, for sure, and it’s by no means some holy gift to mankid, but it passionately goes to GREAT lengths to explore and express a fairly simple idea: 

empathy is a choice, understanding others is a choice,

and we are all inherently better off when we choose to blindly accept understanding than when we blindly choose hate and violence.

Just because we can’t walk ‘the path of the right,’ and just because ‘we’re wrong’ doesn’t mean we should let the phantoms in our lives continue to keep a hold on our future. Just because someone does some good things doesn’t erase the consequences and ripples of the bad they have done, and just because we do bad things doesn’t mean we can’t do good.

The way to end the cycle of violence is empathy.

It’s simplistic in concept, but if you look around at not just the reception to this game even before people could play it, but just the STATE OF THE WORLD IN 2020, you will see that maybe we still need such basic, simplistic concepts to continue to be explored in big budget media.