#hey did i rly just do this?
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I could've been a better man, but I'm not
more lmhs megu bc i love him. he is here fr ur lunch money :>
jjk atla!au with @philosophiums
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#fanart#jjk fanart#fushiguro megumi#megumi#jjk atla!au#atla!au: art#atla!au: illust#lmhs#megu i love YOUUUUUUUU i have $2 in nickles and a crumpled receipt but its yours u can have it<3#i just . wanted 2 draw him fighting n looking menacing fgsfhsfk#we decided tht his bending style is an homage 2 his canon technique so ! Hands my beloved <3#had to pose in front of th mirror to get proper ref smh when will my kotobukiya hand return from war :(#honestly cruel tht we're doing this au Now before i have it JHSDG my life wld b so much easier re: bending ref if i did#well. ref fr everyone but yuuji rly#anywayyyy#decided 2 try smth different n leave the Base sketch visible ? i think i like it w th current style ive got going#makes it Soft n Sketchy#also im SO proud of my me ths the best upward tilt head angle ive ever drawn ?? n it didnt even give me any trouble????#character growth <3#*looks at clock* hey not bad ! 12:30 !#ws this....4 hours?? 5??? time blurs man idk
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have we ever thought abt the fact that zuko is literally azula's older brother. like she's his little sister. that's his little sister. throughout a big, big part of atla plot, he was actively running away, scared of his little sister killing him because he KNEW she would/could. can you imagine that? your little sibling, wanting more your father's approval than your companionship to the point of death? every time they fought, zuko was fighting his baby sister. azula was fighting her big brother. this is making me so sick. they were 16 and 14 years old.
#avatar the last airbender#atla#atla zuko#atla azula#zuko#azula#hey look i posted a thing#the absolute maddening grief of it all. like what do u mean??? thats his lil baby sister!!! what the fuck!!!#when she was a bby he was probably so protective and they were so small n they must have loved each other then#before the responsibilities ozai put on them. before all that. they were siblings. they loved each other.#until they were taught that did not matter. zuko learned that it did again#despite all the pain of it#azula actively ran away from learning it from feeling that pain#because she would rather be hated and feared and powerful than to ever be weak ever#this is so heartbreaking#i think this hits especially hard cuz me n my sis are like 2/3 years apart in age. like. i could not imagine having to fight her to the dea#i just couldnt. i rly rly couldnt
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inspired by this post and others that have pointed similiar things out: the thing about sang-woo hunting the narrative in squid game season 2 is that he does it in two different ways
like first of all: gi-hun takes on the role of sang-woo. he does things that sang-woo did. he brings up the voting, informs about the red light/green light situation, but he also just acts more like him. gi-hun is more subdued than ever, and plays his cards closer to his chest. when his cheery friend from the outside world runs up to him he is not like himself. the friend notices but sticks to his side anyways. towards the end of the season, he gets into the "we need to make sacrifices" mindset. they need to win the game no matter the cost, the idea of winning is just different.
but also: in-ho takes on the role of young-il, who is not only similiar to sang-woo, but he's also sort of who gi-hun wished sang-woo was. intentionally or not. like they're similiar: collected, steady and focused. sort of the same hair and physicality. but young-il is also easier than sang-woo. he opens up about his situation unprompted. he'll apologize for stepping out of line. he states clearly how much he trusts gi-hun. he is the one who initiates teaming up. he asks for gi-huns opinions and plans. when young-il suggests something he checks if it's alright with gi-hun. he risks his life for others, especially the ones considered weak. young-il shares a lot of traits with sang-woo, but ultimately is not burdened or guarded in the same way. so young-il is both a stranger and something familiar to gi-hun. but also young-il is not real. not in the perfect way in-ho tries to present him. beneath it all there is that flawed and cold complicated person. gi-hun hasn't discovered that person yet, like he once discovered that side of sang-woo.
but sang-woo is still dead. he's haunting it in two different ways but also kind of a third one, which is arguably a combination of the two: he's simply a dead man and gi-hun wishes he lived. gi-hun has nightmares about his decapitated head. he looks after sang-woos mother. his money might as well be covered in sang-woo's blood. gi-hun looked up to him and admired him (feeling like he never could be as good as him, but maybe hoped). sang-woo failed and betrayed him, but was still redeemable (there was a good well-meaning person underneath but it was ripped away from him by circumstance). sang-woo was real but now he haunts the narrative and haunts gi-hun and haunts us all. but he's still dead.
#squid game#squid game spoilers#squid game season 2#cho sang-woo#sangihun#squid game blogging#IM SO NORMAL ABOUT SQUID GAME DONT WORRY YOU GUYS!!!!#im putting it in the sangihun tag alright it feels relevant#here's the things: people have been pointed out how sangwoo haunts the narrative.#but comparing sangwoo and inho/youngil it CLICKED#like idk if it's intentional BUT THIS IS IT TO ME#he tries to be sang-woo without the flaws#like important: this isnt a 'sangwoo is bad and inho is good' post#young-il is perfect to gi-hun but!! young-il as gi-hun knows him doesnt exist!!#i think parts of young-il ARE like in-ho but he iS STILL THE FRONT MAN#sang-woo was a rly messy person and like!! he tried to do a bunch of those good things young-il did!! but in the end he couldnt do that#or chose not to#but gi-hun still found him redeemable and important to him and he mourned him#and bc of that he stays in the narrative.#MAN IM SORRY#i will simply just have feelings about cho sang-woo after all these years#he feels so wildly mischaracterized and i feel like i understand him so 100%#and that in the end the emotional arc really landed to me.#so to see it actually (intentional or not) be so relevant to the storyline still??#HEY SQUID GAME SEASON 2 IS REALLY GOOD BTW??? HAVE I SAID THIS
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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.." MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi the suckening#arthur bennett#HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT#this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT#ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH#WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME#DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER#HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW#AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE#I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game#but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping#DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds#I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors#what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE#while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs#THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN#WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS#the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band#EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION
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this sucks. this all fucking sucks. i wish my dad cared about me like he thinks he does, or like he wants me to think he does, or like he pretends he does. when it's not inconvenient, when he isn't forced to remember i'm trans/mentally ill/disabled/unemployed/unemployable/a Failed Citizen.
i wish anybody was treating it like a big deal that i traveled halfway across the country to spend time with them. it felt like a big deal to me.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#MY FAMILY#i was hoping this trip would like. help me smother my suicidality/depression/sense of worthlessness with a blanket of Familial Love#even if just temporarily#but instead i just feel like. oh. ok. i'm not anybody's priority huh. my dad would rather go to church alone than do an escape room w/ me#b/c he's So Over Masking#my little sister just Doesn't Feel Like driving into town more than one day this weekend#(should i like?? invite myself over to her place instead???)#i keep asking if we can play a game i brought (yazeba's b&b) and i did it once w/ my folks which was fun#but it's better with bigger groups and i keep being like Hey can we play? Or do this other fun thing all together?#and the answer keeps being No we're gonna go do other stuff; why don't you sit down on the couch & keep yourself occupied#and my dad WILL play video games with me but it feels brittle & tense & sharp any time there's a pause in the action#i'm rly glad i saw gramma & aunt lisa but otherwise like. fuck. i wish i hadn't come. how the fuck do i feel even lonelier here.
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no new art just posting my propaganda of the week
i think everyone in the acotar series should fight over lucien bc hes so cool hot sexy cute and deserves all the love in the world and ik everone wants him!!!!!! *mwuah* <- das him getting a big fat wet kiss!!!!!!!!
#im so normal about lucien help#i want to EAT HIM#WHOLE#i need some vindication in the next book bc wym bro got his ass handed to him for no reason and his ONE FRIEND isint even kind to him#i love angst but hey sjm im gonna throw up#like he used to b so snarky and fun and then EVERYTHING happened and now hes just so sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#oouuu inner circle and feyre when i get my hands on you#lets b honest shes not even rly int the IC#pro lucien vanserra#lucien vanserra#no bc actually what did he do#i need someone to sit me down and bullet point list me all the reason why the ic doesnt give af about this guy i feel like im going insane
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Hi so me being me I've decided to hyperanalyze the conversation Qrow and Raven had in Higanbana practically line by line bcus I have Many Thoughts and this is the best way I can think of to get them all out. If you can't tell I'm absolutely obsessed with these two. Btw.
Thanks to the RWBY wiki for providing transcripts for every episode, otherwise I definitely would have missed smth despite having just watched this scene recently lol
I put it under the read more for easier scrolling due to how long this post got!
I immediately noticed smth in the very first lines of the interaction:
Raven: "Hello, brother." Qrow: "...Raven."
You'll notice throughout the whole conversation that Raven never calls Qrow by his name, only condescendingly referring to him as "brother" this one time and never calling him anything else. Meanwhile, Qrow directly refers to Raven a total of three times throughout the conversation, and only one doesn't call Raven by her name (which we'll get to shortly)
On the other hand, Qrow doesn't bother with even so much as a greeting beyond simply stating Raven's name
It's different ways of communicating their distance. While Raven holds her relationship with Qrow over his head — never once, even outside of this scene, does she call him "brother" with affection iirc, only derision and condescension — Qrow doesn't seem to rly know how to greet her. He hesitates before saying her name and approaching her, as if trying to assess the situation before acting
Qrow: "So, what do you want?" Raven: "A girl can't just catch up with her family?" Qrow: "She can, but you're not. Now how 'bout we get on with it? Unless you plan on keeping these [drinks] comin'."
Again, Raven seems to bring up her familial ties with Qrow as a tactic to get him to do what she wants — in this case, stick around to talk to her despite him not seeming to rly want to. Frankly, it feels manipulative. We're gonna put a pin in this for now and come back to it in just a moment
Additionally, Qrow already knows that Raven's not just here for a friendly chat between two siblings, and sees right thru her facade that it is. Raven is here bcus she wants smth from him. But interestingly, it is Raven in V5 that says, in an almost frustrated/disappointed tone, "Family. Only coming around when they need something." There's another pin; keep both in mind
Raven: "Does she have it?" Qrow: "...Did you know Yang lost her arm?" Raven: "That's not—" Qrow: "Rhetorical question, I know you know. It's just obnoxious that you'd bring up family and then carry on like your own daughter doesn't exist." Raven: "I saved her." Qrow: "Once. Because that was your rule, right? Real 'Mom of the Year' material, sis."
Qrow dodges Raven's question about the Relic and instead brings up her hypocrisy in how she treats family. And it's a good point. Here she is lording her siblingship with Qrow over his head while simultaneously defending and upholding her rule that she is only obligated to help her own daughter a single time. Another pinpoint on our little conspiracy board
Also, here's the one time in this conversation Qrow refers to Raven as "sis". Like Raven's use of "brother", Qrow's use of "sis" is very pointed and with intent. But it's not to manipulate Raven, it's a snarky jab meant to rly hammer home Qrow's point
Raven: "I told you Beacon would fall, and it did. I told you Ozpin would fail, and he has. Now you tell me. Does. Salem. Have it?" Qrow: "I thought you weren't interested in all of that." Raven: "I just want to know what we are up against." Qrow: "And which 'we' are you referring to?"
A few things of note here. At some point in the past, Raven expressed an outright disinterest in Ozpin's inner circle, at least to Qrow. Qrow also feels excluded in the "we" Raven mentions being against Salem. To me, there seems to be a distinct possibility here that it wasn't that Raven felt personally disinterested in Ozpin's operations, but that she somehow felt excluded and feigned a lack of interest in order to protect herself. An idea that is further supported in my eyes by the following dialogue:
Qrow: "You should come back, Raven. The only way we'd beat her is by working together. All of us." Raven: "You're the one who left. The tribe raised us, and you turned your back on them." Qrow: "They were killers and thieves." Raven: "They were your family." Qrow: "You have a very skewed perception of that word."
And there it is. Raven's problem is laid out here for us, loud and clear: She feels like she was the one abandoned, not the one running away. She says it outright! "You're the one who left." To her, Qrow is the traitor, the one who left their family behind. If you ask Qrow (or, for that matter, Tai, Yang, and even Summer based on the scene in V9), it's the opposite
Bcus they have different definitions of family
Another thing to pin (I promise this will all become clear soon)
Raven: "I lead our people now. And as leader, I will do everything in my power to ensure our survival." Qrow: "I saw. The people of Shion saw, too." Raven: "The weak die. The strong live. Those are the rules." Qrow: "Well, you've certainly got someone strong on your side. I've seen the damage." Raven: "We couldn't have known the Grimm would set in as quickly as they did." Qrow: "I'm not talking about the Grimm. And I'm not talking about you, either."
Notice Raven's shift from "the tribe" to "our people". More of that guilt tripping!
Additionally, Raven is *obsessed* with rules. One save. The weak die, the strong live. Raven lives and breathes rules, even seemingly arbitrary ones. Guess what this is? Another pin!
Raven: "If you don't know where the Relic is, then we have nothing left to talk about." Qrow: "I don't know where the Spring Maiden is, either, but if you do, I need you to tell me." Raven: "And why would I do that?" Qrow: "Because without her, we're all going to die." Raven: "...And which 'we' are you referring to?"
Qrow's "either" here implies that he also doesn't know where the Crown of Choice is, which is... interesting. He's one of Ozpin's closest lieutenants, and is in the dark on where Beacon's Relic is? Wherever it is, it is such a closely kept secret that even Ozpin's best spy doesn't know where it is (maybe so that in the event Qrow gets captured by Salem he can't be forced into giving her the information?)
Meanwhile, Raven's "And why would I [tell you]?" implies that she does know who the Spring Maiden is (obviously. Raven's the Spring Maiden lol) but refuses to disclose to Qrow
A lantern sputters out after Qrow says "Without [Spring] we're all going to die." Now, I genuinely can't remember if this is headcanon or canon, but iirc Misfortune seems to act up when Qrow's upset. He's clearly tired of this little game of dancing around topics that Raven's been playing with him
And once again, Raven indicates a feeling of exclusion from Qrow's life in the iconic final line. She gets the final word in before leaving
We've finally reached the end of the conversation. Now what does all of this tell us?
And here is where all of those pins I wrote down are relevant. As I mentioned, the twins view family very differently
Qrow's view is pretty obvious: he views family as the ppl in his life who matter most to him. Unlike Raven, he does not view the tribe as family despite the fact that they raised him, disgustedly referring to them as "killers and thieves". It's implied that he was, in fact, neglected and/or likely abused by the Branwen tribe, saying in V6C4, "No one wanted me... I was cursed..." further explaining his distaste for them. Furthermore, despite not being related to Ruby by blood, they clearly consider one another family throughout the series, and he even seems closer to her than he seems to his niece who's actually blood related to him (I personally headcanon that he keeps more of a distance from Yang bcus she reminds him too much of Raven, who he feels abandoned and hurt by, but that's neither here nor there). Bloodlines and debts are secondary compared to loyalty, if they're considered at all. He is obviously furious that Raven only insists on saving Yang once and never directly interacting with her beyond that, despite Raven constantly guilting Qrow over abandoning his so-called "family" of the tribe. And yet. And yet. He still offers Raven a place back in his life, even if only to unite against Salem
Raven's view, to me, has been an enigma for a while. But after hyperanalyzing this conversation, after noting down all of those points of interest, I feel like I've finally cracked the code. Raven views family as an obligation, an exchange that always has an ulterior motive behind it. She seeks out Qrow only bcus she desires smth from him despite showing distaste when someone does the same to her; condescendingly calls Qrow "brother" more than his actual name and calls the tribe their "family" to try guilting him into doing what she wants; and feels fierce loyalty to the tribe but barely interacts with her daughter, only seeming to count one of the two as true family. She views the concept of family with cynicism and seems to feel an obligation to the tribe, as if she "owes" them for raising her
I think the two's perceptions of what defines family are all to do with the way the tribe treated both of them. This crosses a bit into headcanon territory, but as you can see by the above quotes and analysis, I rly don't think I'm just making it up entirely
As I already mentioned, I think it's implied that the Branwen tribe neglected/abused Qrow. In fact, we could probably blame their treatment of him for the deep self-loathing he has due to his "cursed" Semblance. But what about Raven?
Well, it's simple: I think she was abused, too, just in a different way. While Qrow was likely shown and told on a consistent basis that he was unwanted, unloved, undeserving of good things, Raven may have been shown and told she was wanted, loved, and deserving of good things... if she did what the tribe told her. If she repaid them for raising her and her brother, for being her "family". The way she uses her familial ties with Qrow as almost blackmail may be exactly the way the tribe treated her. Her obsession with following rules may stem from the fact that she had to follow the rules the tribe set for her in order to be accepted and deemed worth smth
As for her distance from Yang... honestly, I wonder if Raven is aware that Yang deserves better and keeps her distance as her way of doing that. When Summer confronts Raven in the V9 scene, Raven says, "...You're better at that life. Better than I was." She seems to have a fear and insecurity about being a good family member, a good mother, and maybe that's why she fled. Maybe she was scared of being like her abusers due to how she emulates them as a self-preservation tactic in so many other ways. Not entirely sure about this point tho
And I think too this is why the twins don't rly understand one another. They may have been unaware of the different ways in which the other was treated. Qrow, constantly unwanted and loathed, can't understand why Raven sticks around with the tribe; Raven, who obeyed the tribe and, in doing so, garnered enough of their favor to even eventually become leader, can't understand why Qrow can't just be "good", earn respect, and stay
This dissonance between the two experiences may also be completely intentional on the part of the tribe; abusers will often eliminate their targets' support systems in order to make them completely reliant on the abuser, so it's highly likely that the wedge was intentionally driven between the two siblings so that they could not find support in one another. This would also tie into why the twins seem to feel excluded from one another's lives and abandoned by one another: bcus they were made to feel that way by their common abusers, and did nothing to challenge these assumptions bcus they saw no reason to — and only seemed to keep proving one another right if they did
Which rly has some disturbing implications about how the Branwen tribe works. Like, do they just pick orphaned kids up off the street and abuse them into being perfect little bandits, molded to be of the greatest possible use and discarded if they're deemed worthless? Plus Qrow says his Semblance is how he got his name, which implies that the tribe also renames the kids they scoop up (possibly as a form of control or a way to make sure they can't be tracked down by any remaining family)? Plus there's the whole thing where Qrow and Raven were originally sent to Beacon to learn how to kill Huntsmen, which carries with it the implication that the Branwen tribe grooms literal orphan children into becoming stone-hearted murderers? What. The heck.
And if I'm right, if the Branwen tribe is that severely abusive, then like... wow, no wonder Qrow and Raven are Like That. They're both very deeply hurt people expressing it in different ways
I was considering adding their conversation at the Battle of Haven to this post, but I think that would be better as its own thing. Also I haven't gotten there on my rewatch yet so I may miss some details if I try to analyze it rn; it's better to wait overall methinks
But I have reached the point of my rewatch where we see Weiss and Whitley interact, and I think it would be very efficient to sum up what Qrow and Raven's relationship seems to be by using those siblings as a point of reference. Qrow = Weiss, actively trying to break free from and fight back against their abusers in different ways, while Raven = Whitley, continuing to do as their abusers want and have wanted as a method of self-preservation. Only, unlike Weiss and Whitley, Qrow and Raven have yet to come to a point where they can understand one another. I think that's a good way to briefly summarize the uh. Absolutely massive post this is.
In conclusion, I may have cracked the majority of the Branwen twins' pre-Beacon backstory purely by hyperanalyzing a single conversation. Oopsies
#original post#'hey hira why are you so obsessed with these two—' autism. i hope that answers your question!#ok but srsly. i've genuinely worked rly hard on this post for the past like. 3 days?#i didn't think it'd lead to me deducing all of this about the twins' pasts but here we are lol#this'll probably flop due to the length but like. i don't mind tbh! this is mostly to satisfy my own silly brain [affectionate] anyway#i'm genuinely looking forward to seeing them in v10#since the storyboard for the scrapped v9 epilogue had raven in it#i hope they somehow reconcile and come to understand one another like weiss and whitley did#tho. i have a bad feeling that even if they do it will end in one (or both?) of them tragically dying before the other's eyes#but that's not rly relevant lol#anyhow i am not sry for inflicting you all with my branwen twin brainrot. it will happen again#i'm having sooo many thoughts on this rewatch and they just keep on coming#rwby#qrow branwen#raven branwen#branwen twins#rwby9 spoilers#i hope there's no glaring errors here. i read thru this post multiple times to be sure but it's so huge i may have missed smth irjnfbpbne#character of all time tag
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happy sunday (:
#i think i am out of the trenches#not quite bcs i still have so much to do buuuuut i have LESS to do than i did the other day so. win for sage on this day#i might be here later today/tomorrow to queue some posts and some replies mainly for people i don’t rly write w very often <333 but i have 3#in the queue for macy. bcs i’m insane and reply to every one of our threads within 0.3 seconds#anyway. maybe i will do a small starter call just to get some out while im away and not writing <3#will make a post abt it too so u don’t think i straight up died but. hey#happy sunday i hope ur all having good weekends#muah! <3
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waow
#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly#in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it#or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder#a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like#the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol#but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was#it was just me and brandy for a while#but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today#i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed#i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most#on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO#the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol#im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess#ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry#idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account#keyword some. i know this is tumblr#but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol#i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place#idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise#but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this#maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it#bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me
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okie now its my bedtime loves us all and ummm 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚 why when i do 💚 is one of the sugested emojis oh now were pretending it wasnt... it was 🤔.. why are you questioning my love. very sad stuff
#i did drinked a little earlier not very much tho. i kind of miss being proper drunk it was like ¾s of a mikes hard... and also i had#basically a full can of monster annie gave me Nnwise it was like 9pm. LOL. but it was a nice taste so whatever. hopefully i am not under the#effects i dknt feel especially tired butttt i need to sleep. my stomach growling tho but i already brushed my teeth#OOH also we had stuffed mushrooms today thats why papaw came over and it was nice they were delicious .. and theres extra mushrooms so i can#make um special mushroom spam bowls i think :] unless theyre 4 something#next thursday i think were doing umm. this once little meal w these tiny breads and brie and pesto and its so yummy ive only gotten to have#it once bc brie expensive BUT mama found it 4 like 3 dollars at aldis or something like that....#oh also crucial when i say mama i dont probounce it in my head like momma its Ma-Ma to me#just so you know . i actually call her mama quite often irl but over text it feels different so i dont on here i usually judt call her#mother. irl i also call her mommy a lot and mother irl ... but not in a like . yk. i call her mother but its more as a joke if that makes#sense. i do wonder ummm bc ive been calling my mom mommy for ages and i did the entire time when i was a teenager and i wonder if its bc i#always had younger siblings ? like annie and then weeman. i feel like annie was learning to talk at around the same age where a lot of kids#i mean they started to talk when i was at the age when. phrasing not clear sry. but anyways it was when i was around rhe age when kids tend#to stop calling their parents mommy and daddy (obvs different for everyone) so bc she was still Mommy for annje i just kept calling her that#yk. and then obvs weeman calls her mommy and such. but yes im curious if its different for ppl who dont have younger siblings or who have#different gaps w their younger siblings... it also might be influenced bc my mom was a preschool teacher yk. idk ... itd be interesting to#see... it also likee. umm. esp on here i dont like to call them mommy and daddy even tho thats what ive called them most of my life just bc#of. yk. im not rly Embarassed that i still call them that but i dont like it being associated sort of thing . but that is how it is...#so ya. the only thing i like Never ever call them irl is mom and dad like i never idt ever in my life have been like Hey mom. hey dad. thats#crazy to me its crazy that ppl actually do that to me idek why#like i call rhem My mom and dad bc thats what they are but thats not like. ykwim... IDK. abyways so yes thats my detour much love
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me + mayhem going on a stupid silly hike for my stupid silly mental health






touched grass and i am normal again (lying)
#i will get back to drawing soon let me just sleep for a few years shdjhkfds#anyway photo credit to mayhem again i cant take pictures to save my life lol#btw the caption is obvs reference to that one hike video tiktok i think so credit to that also its not my joke#anywqay it was nice did help me a little bit#been feeling a bit down due to some personal problems ykno#and also due to not being accepted into a med uni I rly wanted to (but didn't put enough effort I'll confess) and that almost no one getsin#but i was only missing one point o(-( i was the first in line outside the capacity limit hasjkdhsahd#even tho my brain is rly small for it lets be real hfjsdfhksd but like hhsdjhshdjkhd those biches at physiotherapy baited me hdsjd#mqf i have failed you lol#also i have accidentaly gotten back into one piece as I do for like two weeks periodically every few months or so dhjsdhk#so im revisiting my olde blorbo trafalgar which is just reminding me of a fact that this was one of the fuckers my itty bitty young self -#- wanted to pursue medicine beacause of lmaoooo#bad timing one piece fixation!! bad bad!! sdhhdjshdjakshd#whatevrrr whatevr whatevr io dotn care! enough of that hahhskj#but hey as some of u may remeber im czech so haa whats up with the mountains right since we are very cute and 'down to earth' state hahaha#its cuz its actually from austria :))#we went hiking there since theyre co by kamenem dohodil as they say#fuck english has the exactly same saying im moron that ruins my whole thing hjdsk 'a stone's throw away' whatever ignore that ig hahhah#so yeah very beautiful very powerful go touch some grass lads#also they are not stones throw away i was lying but close enough-#also random czechs stop jumpscaring me in other countries challenge why was there so many of us horrible horrible horrible
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youtube
Whats up oni community guess who just spent literally all day figuring out how to get access to oni sound files
#rat rambles#oxygen not included#featuring a lot of singing and no bionic dupes because I couldn't find them 😔#oh also great news calvinheads hes still in the files it's not jover yet!#(<- its me I'm the calvinhead no one else gives a shit)#but yeah I'll probably have to do a bigger search for the bionic dupes voices at some point but not tonight#given that they arent stored in the dlc3 duplicant voices file I have no idea where to start#but theres ultimately not That many sound files for me to dig through so I can brute force it#my struggles today were just in finding out how to access the sound files at all explodes bank files with my mind#it rly shouldn't have taken literally all day but hey it did#the things I put myself through for this damn game I was not built to be a dataminer#if I actually knew how to read and understand code and shit it'd be so over for me Id never close dotpeek again#but thankfully my time taking coding classes amounted to nothing so I dont have to bear that burden for now#damn you oni and the brainworms youve inflicted on me#I was almost out but I come crawling back every time#which is good I adore this game but also damn way to shoot myself in the foot just when I was starting to get notes on my art again#Youtube
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just a little personal anecdote/ thought dump in the tags..
#so there's this girl i work with - lets call her E. and i used fo work with her mum - lets call her J.#and E is overall v sweet. tho somewhat manipulative and a bit of a princess. ad i guess kind of my friend?#but only kind of bc she is younger and that maturity difference and also im her manager (we used to be the same rank)#but i was like really good friends with her mum - J. like we had v similar experiences and just clicked.#i dont talk to J anymore for several reasons (she stopped working. i got weird - like insecure and whatnot. she moved away).#and E and J do not get along very well#and like J was my friend first right. i was biased by her side of things and disagreements with E.#and tho my rship w J was kind of fucked up and i definitely carry a sadness for how that ended. it doesn't erase#that she was my friend and we got long v well and we clicked and i felt she understood me and vice versa#and similar life experiences and all that jazz etc#and i dont think it ever has occured to E that like me and her mum were actually friends??#bc like we'll be having a conversation and she'll start talking about her mum in a v negative way#and its just so so awkward#bc i know her mum isnt perfect and isnt necessarily fair to her - compared to her sister#but like E is very strong willed and she's still maturing and struggles to see past her own ego#and J is someone who definitely avoids conflict and confrontation but not by giving in - but by stepping back. if that makes sense#but thats why E and J dont get along. neither knows how to reach agreement or compromise#but anyways i understand J and respect her and it so awkward to sit there whilst E whines and trash talks#and it also makes me sad#and we're well past the pointof me saying anything#like a year ago. sure. and there were several times i did say 'hey. i know youre having feelings about this but like ur mum was my friend?#so i think its better if we dont discuss this' kind of thing#but it didnt stick. plus its kind of weird. bc its v much past tense now - like me and J WERE friends.#and like i think E thinks that she and I are good friends. which is also awkward.#bc we were coworkers so yeh. kind of friends by default - small team and o ly young ppl#but she's not rly the kind of person that i vibe with#and ive been making an effort to withdraw bc I'm her manager now and i need professional boundaries so i can do my job well#anyway thats kind of the end of my story#for some context J was previously my manager and briefly also her daughter's manager#and something ive never admitted fo anyone before but you probably picked up on already - i did have such a crush on J
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anyways here's my boy scott free from when i was like 13. at the time i knew abt the whole tad strange theory thing but i hadn't seen The Design yet so the parallels are weird coincidences
#also these are newer drawings i had the urge to draw him randomly like a year ago so i pumped these out#lest confrontational dude you'll ever meet. scared of everything#i'm just now noticing his hat is so fucking small that's rly funny i didn't mean to do that#it's supposed to be like a mobster fedora but these were more warmups than anything so idk how well that translated#i never did anything with him either 😭 i designed him gave him a basic personality and then just left him to rot#maybe i'll bring him back. who knows.#sassy speaks#also if you're looking at him going 'hey i saw that guy on artfight' or whatever that was me lmao#my art#my ocs#WERE GONNA IGNORE RHE WEIRD NUB FINGERS TOO I CANT DRAW HANDS TO SAVE MY LIFE 💀#also drawing emotions on a one eyed character with no mouth is torture it turns out
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y'all who actually have partners,, what is a text ice breaker to start conversation? im really bad at it 😭
it feels important to note that when we do talk, the conversation flows great we have a nice rapport and complimentary senses of humors it's just starting the conversation that is the problem i think we are both just painfully shy 😔 (and maybe traumatized .)
#all my friends have offered is 'send a meme' which just gets me a heart react which is nice and all but i wanna SPEAK TO THEM.#and ive also done ~little random updates of my day~ which also works but on my days off i dont DO anything so i cant be like .#hey i rotted in bed all day what did you do#i feel like he's interested but shy ?? i guess ?? or maybe unsure if i feel the same way so he doesnt rly initiate#he did the other day just send me a photo of him working as a little life update which i took as a good sign :) and it sparked a short conv#i just dont know what to talk about or rather i wanna talk about literally everything but i dont wanna be annoyingggg#i dont know whats annoying and what isnt i guess is the main issue#he just got back from a 2 week work trip thing like working nonstop and normally we'd both be free tuesdays (tmrw) but since he JUST got#back today i figured it would be rude and/or seem desperate or clingy of me to ask if he wanted to hang this week#am i just crazy ?? oftentimes yes#it's also 10pm on a monday so i couldnt ask now anyway BUT I WOULD STILL LIKE TO JUST TALK#BUT I DONT WANNA BE ANNOYING all ive ever done in the past is annoy ppl or come off too 'weird' by just trying to get to know them#AND I DONT WANNA MESS UP THIS TIME CAUSE I THINK I DO GENUINELY LIKE THIS GUY IVE JUST NEVER BEEN IN THIS POSITIONNNNN#ITS NEVER FELT REAL#OK BYE
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just gonna put this out there: please unfollow me if you interact or follow that fob redacted dove account. i dont think its funny sexy or cute to fantasize about the boys being child predators when they are real fathers that have real children. i do not care if the kids are “not being used for these scenarios” or whatever excuse is gonna be made have the fucking decency to use fictional characters for these sick fantasies at the ABSOLUTE least. nevermind the fact that the blog owner pedaled the tiring lie that pete dated a 15 yr old. this is actually harmful and i dont want to argue about it, just go away for me thanks.
#ive already blocked the blog and some frequent interacters already#and ive gone back and forth with posting this bc i rly dont want to make this ‘drama’ for lack of better word#but i dont tolerate this. wish yall would keep this on ao3 where i never have to even stumble across it#because yes it was recommended to me! that greatly concerns me!!#and well. not to harp on it but i did see one account that was pretty clearly noted as a minor interacting with this. 🫠#some of u should have shame and not do this on a public server but hey maybe thats just me!#skulltxt
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