#hes having breakdowns or panic attacks on a regular basis

[tangledinink]

in an older ask (before the bracelet comic) you broke down, basically, the odds of donnie recognizing his family to different degrees on any given day... i'm curious, what would the odds be now, now that he has the bracelet?

Hell yeah let's do more Swanatello Math~

Let's say his family visits him eight times-- this time with the bracelet.

-> Maybe one time out of eight, usually less, Donnie will not be able to recognize them and will treat them as intruders, driving them off. There are occasions when he disregards the message of the bracelet or forgets it too quickly to be helpful.

-> Two times out of eight, Donnie will be able to recognize them enough to not view them as threats, but will not be able to organically recall any further details about them. He is confused and frustrated. He recognizes something is wrong, and can comprehend the research materials he's reading, but no actual memories are being pinged in his brain, leaving him in a very frightening, bizarre, uncanny-valley sort of space. He has to repeatedly reference notes and journals to try to puzzle the identities of his family together, which is upsetting and embarrassing. Days like these focus on providing comfort and support to Donnie, but the context that his research board and bracelet provide does make this easier to manage now.

-> One time out of the eight, Donnie will be able to recognize his family but struggles to comprehend his current situation or recall details surrounding it, though he recognizes something is wrong. He knows that Raph is here, and he remembers Raph fully, but has a difficult time processing why they're here at the lake instead of being at home; it's just not sinking in for him. Things in his brain are not matching up, and he is confused and frustrated. His family will have to re-explain to him what's going on, typically multiple times. Days like these focus on providing comfort and support to Donnie, but the jumpstart that the research and bracelet provide often makes this process much easier.

-> One time out of eight, Donnie will be able to recognize his family enough to not view them as threats, but will not always be able to recall further details about them. He's not able to fully process that anything is wrong unless it's explained to him, (usually more than once,) but even then it seems to overall elude him and not fully sink in. He will happily spend the day showing his lake off to his family, dancing with them, etc. His bracelet and research board help, but on days like these he often seems unable to fully retain this information throughout the day. These days are usually pretty frustrating for his family, but are overall lower-stress for Donnie, at least. False memories are common on these days.

-> Three times out of eight, Donnie is able to both recognize his family and recall details about their current situation. He remembers the family members who are currently with them, and sometimes even those who are absent, and understands that he is currently being affected by magick that manipulates his memory and patterns of thinking.

Overall, the bracelet has improved the situation. The family has to take care to try to be present as much as possible, however, as receiving this information from the bracelet and research board can sometimes be very scary or disorientating, and they've found that having someone around either during this process or immediately after is very important. Typically, if Donnie wakes up, receives the message from his bracelet, inspects the research board, and waits for the promised family to arrive... and then they don't, he'll panic and quickly lose trust in the information. He may react negatively to any family members once they do show up. Swanatello overall tends to do poorly when left alone, they've discovered.

[active-mind-15]

Headcanons for Akashi when he's sad 😔

I did a cute one last night for Akashi laughing, so I thought I'd flip the script and break y'alls hearts rq with some headcanons I have for when Akashi isn't feeling all too great.

First of all, let's start with any canon material we have of Akashi being openly sad. There really isn't much. The only times we see him like that in the main series are at his mother's funeral as a child during that flashback, and then directly after he lost to Seirin. Even with the second instance, he tried to hold in his tears as best as he could and still put on a brave smile to go and shake hands with Kuroko. Aside from that, the only other instance I can think of is during the drama CD (season 3 volume 9) where he had a bit of an argument with Murasakibara.

Canonically, we know why he is almost never openly sad. With such high expectations placed on him by his father, the superintendents of Teiko, and even himself, showing sadness was a form of weakness. This is why, despite the fact that he was clearly overwhelmed with too much work throughout his entire childhood, he never complained. His father likely drilled that mentality into him to just suck it up and keep it pushing, because Akashi wasn't even allowed time to process his grief after losing his mother, the only support system he ever had. With this information in mind, let's get into my headcanons.

First of all, what makes Akashi upset? The first thing I can think of is his massive workload paired with the high expectations placed on him. There are probably some days when all of it is just too overwhelming and he gets stressed out, worried that he won't be able to handle it all. Whenever Akashi switches personalities in the series, it's always during a crucial basketball match. But I personally feel like if he's stressed with work all the time, he's constantly teetering on the edge of dissociating but ends up not. I can imagine him in his dorm after a long day of school trying to finish assignments late into the night, and he's desperately fighting to remain present and in the moment. It probably happens more than people think, and to avoid giving into his other self and letting him take over is something he has to do on a regular basis.

The second thing is when he feels like he hasn't been a good friend. Post-Winter Cup, Akashi tries really hard to reconnect with Kuroko and the other GoM more than he used to back in middle school. And given how he had to salvage his friendships with his former and current teams after almost ruining them both, post-Winter Cup Akashi is probably very insecure about his own ability to be a good friend to others. For example, in season 3 volume 9 of the drama CDs when he and Murasakibara had a quarrel, Murasakibara mentioned that Akashi had no idea how he felt at all before hanging up the phone. That comment stuck with Akashi, so much so that all three of the Uncrowned Kings noticed and essentially staged an intervention in the clubroom because Akashi looked so visibly bothered that it freaked them out. You can tell that he cares about his friends as well as what they think of him. He wants to be someone they can trust and depend on, but when he feels like he's missed the mark, he gets upset about it each and every time because, really and truly, he's trying his very best.

What does he look like when he's sad? The thing about Akashi is that he still sometimes has trouble letting himself be upset because he's busy and has no time for breakdowns (probably why he prefers to dissociate instead since he'd rather just detach himself from reality and not feel anything at all). As a result, he tends to bottle a lot of things up until they all spill out later, and I can see it manifesting in two ways.

1: panic attacks. With what this boy has been through, it would not surprise me in the slightest if he ever had panic attacks. If he somehow managed to avoid them throughout his entire childhood, then I think his first panic attack would come after losing the Winter Cup finals because this is the first time in his life he's ever lost at anything and he feels like his entire world is falling apart. He'd probably be hit with an overwhelming fear of what would happen to him after losing the finals, especially with how much his father emphasized victory and success over everything. And the idea of being a disappointment and disgracing his family name would probably just tear this poor boy apart. And these panic attacks are not pretty. He's hyperventilating and gasping through sobs that he desperately tries to quiet to no avail, and he trembles so badly that he can barely keep himself upright. Not good at all.

2: full system shutdown. Maybe I'm projecting my own personal experiences for this one, but I think if there was a day when he was just so stressed and tired or maybe he got news that was so devastating, his body would refuse to cope and he would just... switch off. That could mean sleeping in the middle of the day for long stretches of time because he can't handle being awake, and then when he is awake, his mind is static and he's totally nonverbal, normally for several hours. Also not good at all.

The only person who's ever seen him in the middle of either one of these types of breakdowns is Mibuchi. The first time was accidental because Akashi didn't have the foresight to lock the door at that moment. But after Mibuchi is able to calm him down/bring him back to reality, then for every time after, Akashi will actively seek out Mibuchi if he feels like he's on the verge of a breakdown. Eventually, he opens up about it to the other Uncrowned Kings and they're very supportive and tell Akashi to let them know if there's any way they can help him (he actually has to hold back tears for that).

I have a separate headcanon that post-Winter Cup Akashi eventually starts going to therapy because he realizes he could really use it, and so I would think with time, he develops better coping mechanisms and also knows how to calm himself down before getting to the point of a breakdown. (He still seeks Mibuchi out, though, cuz sometimes he just needs a hug. Is that so wrong?)

He also learns to just experience his emotions as they come and for what they are. Positive or negative, either way, all emotions are valid, and instead of hiding from sadness, you should feel it and then let it pass. Through that, he's able to make peace with himself and not be so hard on himself anymore.

Anyway, I have no idea where to end it, so I'll leave it here because I'm literally falling asleep as I write this. I need to go to bed. For anyone who I've punched in the gut with these headcanons... I'm not sorry. Bye now! 😃

[canonicallyobserving911]

Buck & Eddie: Eddie and Christopher are Buck’s secret to happiness

The secret to Buck’s happiness is right in front of him just like the chair in his living room but he keeps looking past it.

Buck believes there’s someone who can give him a one size fits all answer regarding the way to be happy. He’s wrong because life is not a fairy tale and humans experience a wide range of emotions on a regular basis; therefore no one can tell him how to be happy. Eventually, Buck will realize that he’s the only person who can determine the people or things in his life that will make him happy. Since he’s been unhappy for a while, he’s desperately searching for an answer on how to be happy but he’ll be shocked to learn the answers he seeks have been and always will be internal.  

He was on the right track to determining the things that will make him happy when he was going to therapy because he was finally acknowledging that he had been unhappy for a while.  During his therapy session with Dr. Copeland in 4x2 “Alone Together”, he said, “I’ve actually been thinking a lot about what you said in our last session, how I hide my true feelings from others and I’m starting to think you might be right”.  His statement about hiding his true feelings from others illustrates that he already knew he was unhappy but it also highlights the fact that he was starting to deal with it.  His feelings of unhappiness were bad enough that it made him go to a therapist on his own. He had been struggling for a while but apparently no one noticed it.  In 4x3 ���Future Tense” he finally admitted to Maddie and Chimney that he was seeing a therapist and not dating someone like they believed he was but Chimney assumed it was due to his job as a firefighter.  Buck quickly corrected him when he said she wasn’t a departmental therapist but someone he decided to see outside of the job.  He told Maddie she was the reason he decided to go because she called him sad and lonely.  Then a lot of things happened in rapid succession to Buck including; (1) his parents’ visit to L.A., (2) he learned about his family’s secret, (3) he tried dating again but it was a disaster, (4) he pursued a relationship with a woman he hooked up with two years earlier who also tried to hurt his found family, (5) Eddie got shot, (6) Buck entered a relationship with the same woman who tried to hurt his found family while he was vulnerable after The Shooting, (7) Eddie was having panic attacks but didn’t tell him about them until Buck pushed him to discuss it, (8) Maddie, Chimney and Jee-Yun left, (9) Buck tried to transfer out of the 118, (10) he and Eddie were held hostage, (11) Eddie left the 118, (12) Buck cheated on his girlfriend but asked her to move in with him, (13) Eddie had a mental breakdown, (14) his girlfriend’s actions almost got Chimney and Hen killed and her actions also got him interrogated by Chief Alonso which put his job in jeopardy, (15) and he avoided his girlfriend for several days so that he wouldn’t have to deal with his anger. He spent an entire year being unhappy and angry in that relationship with her but he kept clinging to it since he believed she was the only person who wouldn’t leave him.  He broke up with her in 5x18 “Starting Over” but he never admitted one of the reasons he ended it was because he was unhappy (related posts: “Before Buck’s Breakdown”; “Buck Breaks” and “Buck 1.5 is Emotionally Reckless”).  

Buck’s search for happiness

After Buck ended his relationship, he was still unhappy so he refocused his attention back on his job like he did previously.  But he quickly learned that his job wasn’t the answer either after Bobby didn’t consider him as an option for the available interim captain spot.  Instead of looking internally to answer the question about what makes him happy, Buck started asking other people like Bobby and Hen what they believed would help him be at ease or make him happy.  They both told him that he’s the only person who can answer that question.  He started reading self-help books in search of answers and he talked with a victim during a call the 118 had been dispatched to that was being held at a Happiness Convention.  He was distraught after the victim died before he could tell him the things he discovered about happiness.  That wasn’t the first victim Buck talked with in an attempt to learn how to be happy during a call because more than four years ago, he talked to the spouse of a different victim.  He also talked to a retired firefighter more than three years ago but all three of them talked to Buck about the importance of love, life, happiness and family before they died.

Three conversations Buck had about love, life, happiness and family

Over the past six years, Buck’s had conversations with three retired men, right before they died and they all provided answers to Buck’s questions about love, life, happiness and family (related post: “Evan “Buck” Buckley: Life Lessons Learned”). Since it takes Buck a while to put all his emotional puzzle pieces together, he doesn’t immediately grasp or understand the information he’s been given; therefore he keeps searching even though the answers he seeks have already been provided to him.

#1-Thomas’ conversation with Buck about love & happiness

Buck met Thomas in 2x8 “Buck Actually” and they had a conversation about Thomas and Mitchell’s definitions of love and happiness.  Thomas explained the way he and Mitchell loved each other unconditionally and how they chose to be happy while they were together instead of them doing what others believed they should do was the foundation of their successful relationship.  He told Buck about the life he shared with Mitchell and how all they ever wanted was to go together (related posts: “Buck Misunderstood the Assignment” and “Buck only understood ½ of the assignment”). Buck told him that he hoped he could find something that good one day but Thomas said, “You don’t find it son, you make it”.  The lesson Buck should have learned from Thomas was that even though life can be challenging, Thomas and Mitchell chose to be in love with each other because it made them happy.  He helped Buck to understand that he could love any person he wanted to too and that he could also be happy if he chose to spend the rest of his life with them.  When Buck saw Thomas had died holding Mitchell’s hand, he told Eddie and Bobby “That’s love!”  Buck saw the photo album Thomas was preparing to take with them that day; therefore he had a glimpse of the happiness Thomas and Mitchell shared over the years.  After Thomas died, Buck should have been able to define true love, understand that being happy is a choice and that he should “make it” (build it) with the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

#2-Red’s conversation with Buck about life & building a family

Buck met Red in 3x16 “The One That Got Away” and they had several conversations about Red’s past as a retired firefighter.  Red told Buck he shouldn’t neglect having a life or building a family of his own by trying to be a hero firefighter.  He warned Buck about making the same mistake he did by living to work instead of working to live. When Red was younger, he was just like Buck because he believed that being a firefighter was the only thing that mattered.  Red told Buck “Listen to me. You can be the hero, save lives but don’t neglect having your own. The last thing you want is to be at the end, holding nothing but regrets. Trust me. I know”.  Buck was petrified that he would be left behind like Red had been but at the time he didn’t know Eddie had already prepared for their future together so that Buck wouldn’t end up alone when he named Buck to be Christopher’s legal guardian in his will (related post: “Their Future, Present and Past”). After Red died, Buck should have realized that being a firefighter is not who he is, it’s what he does and that he must make time to have a life and build a family instead of pushing the one he loves away like Red did all those years ago.  Buck should have learned that he could still be a firefighter while having a life and building a family (he has done that but he hasn’t realized it yet).

Lev’s conversation with Buck about happiness & time

Buck met Lev in 6x2 “Crash and Learn” and they had a conversation about the reason Lev attended the Happiness Convention.   Lev explained how he had lived his life the way society said he was “supposed to…marriage, kids, big house, nice cars, weekends at the shore”.  But it all ended up being a blur for him which means he hardly remembered any of it.  He continued and explained how work and family hadn’t left him much time to do anything else and once he retired, things finally came into focus but he wasn’t sure of what he saw when he looked back over his life. Then he asked, “What was the point of any of it?” Lev told Hen to save the “kid” (parallel for Buck who is always called “kid”) because he finally understood the younger man still had time (just like Buck does) to choose to be happy.  Lev realized his life was over and that he couldn’t go back to change anything; therefore he said, “It’s okay, I got what I came for. I think I get it now”.  Lev finally understood that he could have chosen to be happy years ago but it took him traveling all the way to a happiness convention, that he didn’t even get to attend, to learn that happiness is a choice.  Buck thought Lev died before he had the opportunity to share the thing that he discovered about happiness but Buck misunderstood it because Lev did explain it.  Lev shared his secret for happiness with Buck when he said that he had lived his life according to societal norms (i.e., marriage, big house, nice cars, etc.) but he couldn’t remember that much of it.  His lack of happiness from living that type of lifestyle is the thing that led him to the happiness convention in the first place but right before he died, he realized that he could have made different choices and he would have been happier sooner, which means there wouldn’t have been a need for him to attend the convention. After Lev died, Buck should have learned he has to make the choice to be happy for himself and that the longer he waits and delays obtaining his own happiness, the less time he will have before his life passes by in a blur like Lev’s did.

Buck’s secret to happiness is right in front of him

Make no mistake, Buck knows what happiness feels like because he’s experienced it several times while spending time with Eddie and Christopher. Buck’s problem is he keeps missing what’s right in front of him and he makes things complicated when they don’t have to be. Once he realizes his happiness has been staring him in the face for almost five years, he’ll be shocked at the amount of time he’s wasted being unhappy.  Buck and Eddie are in love with each other and they make the other one happier than any of their ex-girlfriends and/or deceased wife (in Eddie’s case) did. Buck wants to be in a romantic relationship with Eddie and he wants to be Christopher’s father but he’s too scared to be vulnerable and confess his love to Eddie.  His feelings of happiness and love are mutual because Eddie and Christopher love and are happy with Buck too.  Buck and Eddie became trusted partners first then they started building a family together in 2x4 “Stuck” after Buck stepped in and became the co-parent to Christopher that Eddie needed (related post: “This is a family”).  When Eddie went to therapy after his mental breakdown in 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”, he started working to be better for himself and since he’s already realized and accepted that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Buck, he explained everything about the love he has for him to Christopher (related post: “Eddie already told Christopher that he wants to be with Buck!”).  Also Eddie gave Buck a reason to live when he named him to be Christopher’s legal guardian in his will and that wasn’t just for Christopher’s benefit, it was for Eddie too (related post: “Legal Guardianship Timeline”).  Eddie has been preparing for their life together for almost three years but Buck keeps missing it.  Buck is the family that Eddie and Christopher chose; therefore everything Buck wants to be happy is right in front of him just waiting for him to accept it.  The conversations he had with Thomas, Red and Lev gave him the answers he seeks about love, life, happiness and building a family but it’s up to Buck to realize he already has all of those things with Eddie and Christopher, then he will need to take action by confessing his love to Eddie.  That’s when Buck will finally be happy because he would have made the choice instead of waiting for happiness to fall out of the sky.

Will Buck finally understand that happiness is a choice?  Will Buck realize the Diazes are waiting for him?  Will Buck go back to therapy or continue trying to find answers on how to be happy in self-help books?  Only the showrunners, writers and producers know the answers to those questions.

[zayray030]

When I really think about it Ace would absolutely be terrified off the entire bet.

Like holt shit, the senpais he actually talked to were Trey, Cater, Riddle, Floyd and Jamil on a regular basis and most of them teased him ruthlessly.

Now same senpai plus more are suddenly coming up to him and being nice? Absolutely not. I would have a whole ass breakdown if I was him and I would not blame him if he did.

Like, suddenly his senpai who bullied him into buying their snacks are suddenly offering to pay for a full course meal and buy him his snacks? Hell no! He would run the ither way.

His senpai suddenly taking a step back from the rules after hounding him? Is Riddle now possessed?!?

And like the others as well? Vil suddenly coming up and complimenting him on whatever he's doing? Did he do something to piss the other off and now he's going to poison him?

LEONA IS PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM?!?! JACK! HELP!

Malleus coming up to him?!? Yuuu!?! Help!?!

Like, these idiots do not think twice about how to go about ur and end up frightening him into a panic attack before half the week is over because he does not understand what is going on

[purplehoodiesimon]

Okay seriously, I can't stop thinking about it and I might be projecting a little but autistic Wilhelm? Totally. Fucking. Works.

1. The way he interacts with people

- He doesn't lol.

- Expanding on that, Simon and Erik are really the only people he truly makes an effort to interact with on a regular basis out of his own volition. He does interact with Felice a bit on his own, but it's on a much more superficial level and they really only become actual friends after Erik's death. Other than them, pretty much everyone he interacts with is obligation or by default of being around Simon.

- He says in the beginning of s1ep1 that all his friends are in Stockholm but...we never see them. Or see him text them. Or mention them at any other time. Do they even exist? Probably but he clearly wasn't actually that close with them.

- His behavior changes completely person to person. He's most relaxed and open with Erik, and he starts to act in a similar way with Simon towards the end of s1ep3 but then Erik dies and he's back to Public Persona Wilhelm until his breakdown and the brief time they have together in ep5. He has a somewhat friendly but still very polite persona he uses with his classmates at Hillerska, can be seen in the dinner scene when he's talking with Henry and the other boys before sitting down and almost any scene where he interacts with Felice, the I'm A Normal Teenager persona—see s1ep1 party and s1ep4 Society initiation—and then the prince persona, of which the most notable scene is definitely the Society meeting where he shoots down August's plan. And of course, everyone acts differently around different people, but like please, this is textbook masking or as I like to refer to it, the autistic chameleon vibes.

- Just. The entire fucking scene in s1ep3 where he's trying to tell Simon he wants him to stay at Hillerska after Parent's Day. Emotions to mouth disconnect. It's a vibe.

- And again in s1ep5, he has a hard time putting his thoughts into words during the argument with Simon. He's clearly trying but his brain just won't word things right.

2. Physical behaviors

- The head hitting thing he does after his argument with Simon

- Using pressure on his chest to calm his anxiety

- Constantly running his hands through his hair

- That one movement he does in his s1ep4 panic attack after returning to Hillerska where he's like lifting his arms. That. I do similar stuff when I'm overwhelmed.

- Self soothing by running his hands over his body at night in bed, again literally me all the time.

- Nail biting/gum chewing. Honestly this one's a toss up to anxiety or autism, it's common for both.

3. Extra notes that don't fit into either of the above categories

- Autistic people often have some form of anxiety, it's like, really common for autism to be comorbid or whatever the word is with anxiety.

- Those LED lights are totally a sensory thing, ESPECIALLY sitting with them around his neck. I cannot begin to describe the euphoria I get every year at Christmas and I get a whole month of staring at pretty lights up close, and I always wear them around my neck like that while we're decorating, so I 100% think it's a sensory thing for him too.

Autism isn't just special interests and the hand flappy stim. There's a lot more to it and like again, this may just be me projecting cause I do know a lot of the stuff I listed can be attributed to anxiety or just being a teenager under a lot of pressure, but it genuinely would make so much sense to me for him to be autistic.

[biboybuckley]

oh look it’s the buck and eddie character analyses i did for a psychology class assignement

Their Relationship:

Eddie and Buck met at the start of season two, when Eddie joins the firehouse. At first, Buck lashes out at him, unhappy that there’s an outsider joining their team as he views the team as his family. However, they quickly become very close and form a bond unlike any other on the show. By the end of season four, Eddie has named Buck as his son’s legal guardian in the case that anything happens to Eddie. Both have put themselves in direct danger while trying to save the other, and shown extreme and irrational distress when the other is in harm’s way. (Examples include: Eddie getting buried alive when a well collapses on top of him and Buck decides he should try and dig to him by hand before Bobby pulls him away, where he promptly collapses sobbing. At the end of season four, Eddie got shot and Buck put himself in the line of fire to pull him to safety and then took care of his son while he was in the hospital. In season three, Buck was crushed by a tipped over firetruck and Eddie appeared extremely distressed at his incapability to help.) 

They are commonly referred to as “Buddie” in the fandom and many believe them to be romantically coded and that their relationship is being written to end up in a relationship. Eddie and Buck individually have been queercoded for most of the show and seem to have particularly difficult times reconciling their relationships with women. (Eddie has two panic attacks when someone refers to Ana as his a) wife and b) his son’s mother, and Buck views his relationships as ‘functional’ or ‘settling’ instead of one he’s happy or satisfied in). 

Physical Violence:

The first time we see Buck encounter physical violence is in the first season when buck is being nosy about bobby’s black book and bobby shoved him into a wall when Buck started probing too far into a personal matter. Bobby reacted emotionally and grabbed Buck by the shirt and shoved him into the wall, threatening him to back off. In response, Buck seems to mentally shut down, so to speak. He's a big guy, a firefighter in his 20’s who works out consistently and is over 6’ tall. As such, he was fully capable of fighting back if he wanted to. He didn't. He shut down by all appearances, going slack with an expression of disbelief.

This could be seen as a trauma response. This reaction indicates that an authority figure could have done something similar before, likely when he was a child and unable to defend himself, and this triggers something in his mind that tells him to go slack, unresponsive and non-combative. 

It seems unlikely that Buck was routinely physically abused as a child, as his parents were too neglectful for that. From what we’ve seen, they simply didn’t care enough to engage with him on that regular basis. For the most part, they seemed to have simply given up on buck. Yet, this response implies that at least every now or then, they likely saw getting physical as the only way to get through to Buck (this is often a fairly regular thing for neglectful or impatient parents and not inherently abusive) but it can result in this sort of shut down response to a superior or figure of authority getting physically aggressive.

Meanwhile, Eddie seems to crave violence at times. He uses it almost like a coping mechanism. I would not be surprised to learn that physical violence was a common occurrence in his childhood, particularly due to his relationship with his parents. When he’s frustrated over the lawsuit that Buck files after getting fired from the firehouse, he becomes an illegal street fighter. When he has his breakdown in season 5b, caused by PTSD and survivor’s guilt, he destroys his room. Eddie appears to bottle everything up until he can’t anymore and often it seems to manifest in physically aggressive ways. In the fight that he has with Buck in a grocery store during the lawsuit arc,  we can see that Eddie's fists have clenched and Buck later even says that Eddie looked like he was gonna take a swing at him.

Likely, if it was anyone else, Eddie might have. However, Eddie (whether having been told from buck directly or just having figured it out due to their close bond) seems fully aware of the issues Buck has surrounding physical violence, thus his restraint. This is also why in 5a when Hhim punches Puck (because Buck didn’t tell Chim that Maddie was leaving him and their daughter- due to a severe case of Postpartum Depression), Eddie is extremely gentle with him. He barely even makes a joke about it, because he knows that it’s not a joke Buck will be able to take lightly. Buck internalizes a lot and Eddie knows that. If Eddie implies that Chim hitting Buck was justified, Buck will believe it is. So instead, he hardly even focuses on that aspect of the confrontation, instead trying to reassure Buck that he hasn’t ruined anything serious. He even comforts him (“you’re the guy who likes to fix things”) while he tries to explain where Chim was coming from.

Eddie, to an extent, needs violence. He needs a way to let out his anger and emotions and currently doesn’t seem to have a healthy method of coping. Buck associates any form of physical aggression towards him with the failure he felt as his parents’ son. He sees it as a symbol of hatred, as if he’s broken the relationship nearly beyond fixing. He slowly seems to be resolving this belief into a more reasonable stance, but his neglectful childhood and ADHD (RSD) has left him especially sensitive to rejection. 

Eddie helps Buck understand that sometimes violence is just an immediate, emotional reaction and Buck helps Eddie see that he has to look for other outlets for his anger (again: see the grocery store fight). They’re two sides of the coin and it would seem like it would be an issue for them, but instead they have the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes and actually improve themselves as a result.

Eddie's views on violence stem from his upbringing. His father likely routinely told him that “a real man should be able to take a hit” and likely was physically aggressive with him on a semi-regular to regular basis, encouraging the cycle of violence. It says a lot about Eddie’s character and moral reasoning development that he’s managed to (mostly) break this loop and clearly is better adjusted than his father seemed to be.

Insecure Attachment:

As for Eddie’s relationship with Buck, he seems to be extremely protective and mindful of him. I believe that Eddie’s being a big brother plays into this. At age ten, his father told him that he had to be the “man of the house” as Ramon was absent more often than now. He grew up protecting his sisters and is a protector at heart.Likely, this is because doesn’t want to see anyone hurt like he has been. He finds meaning in helping people and applies this to both his personal and professional lives. 

So Bucks clinging anxious attachment would latch on to Eddie and see him as a solid, dependable figure. Eddie's instinct to hold people at an arm's length would be overruled by his desire to protect people and seeing this rather naive, trusting man letting him in would quite simply demolish Eddie's defenses. Avoidant attachment doesn’t mean you can’t attach, it means that you’re highly cautious of who you do attach to. Buck’s personality is so infectiously open that Eddie likely wouldn’t even realize that Buck’s slipped through until Eddie has formed unconscious attachments to him.

Eddie is a little bit harder, a bit stricter. But his fierce loyalty once one breaks down his walls is what makes him such a safe, secure attachment. It's also what makes him exactly what Buck needs. Buck jumps from attachment to attachment (Abby, Ali, Taylor, etc…) but has the expectation that they’ll always leave him. (This is reinforced based on his past experiences with his parents and Maddie- even though it wasn’t her fault per se, Maddie (the person who mostly raised him up until that point) leaving him at such a young and vulnerable age (~12) definitely contributed to his issues with attachment). Eddie is reluctant to ever attach to someone because he’s been taught from childhood that he’ll never be able to be enough (his parents telling him that, Shannon leaving, constantly worrying he’ll fail/ruin Chris). What Eddie needs is someone to see him as he is and tell him he’s enough. All Buck needs is someone that will never give up on him or leave him. tIn this way, they seem to be very well suited to match one another.

When he joined the team in season two, Eddie saw that Buck’s hostile behavior came from a place of hurting and realized that instead of reciprocating the treatment, he had to help because Eddie cannot see someone struggling and resist helping them. Buck was building his defenses even stronger after being left by Abby and he was terrified of getting left by anyone. So when Eddie responds to Buck's (rather weak) attempt at avoidant attachment, Buck sees someone who meets him at his worst and embraces him anyway. Eddie sees someone that has a hole he can fill.

Buck’s Trauma Response:

Buck very quickly shuts down as a trauma response. Any stressor stimulus response relies on the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems and Buck is mostly conditioned to reply with action (“fight or flight”). When he’s faced with a stressful situation at work, he jumps into action. Sometimes it takes him a moment (freezing when Eddie gets shot) but he then kicks into autopilot (going under the vehicle and dragging Eddie away). Being a first responder, the sympathetic nervous system is conditioned to be on high alert and the reaction time is much quicker. But since he was a kid (where these particular traumas- getting yelled at, being told he’s a failure, stuff like that, etc etc- stem from), he’s been told he’s “too much” “too active” “too emotional” etc etc. Altogether, he believes he is too much. So his instinctive response that has persisted throughout adulthood is to shut down (parasympathetic) because he knows that fighting won’t do him any good because it’s not something he can fix: it’s something that’s fundamentally wrong with him (in his eyes).

Following Eddie’s shooting, Buck engages in an extremely reckless and potentially fatal rescue.

Basically that rescue was a few things. 1) Buck’s way of triggering an adrenaline response because it helps him ignore emotional turmoil 2) him coping with survivors guilt by putting himself in peril because he a) feels like his life has no value, b) will not risk seeing anyone else from his team put themself in danger, and c) needs to be able to save someone because he couldn’t save Eddie, and 3) a way for him to do something to get all the anger and frustration and worry out by actively taking action instead of thinking things through.

Buck uses adrenaline to distract himself from emotionally difficult situations and has since childhood. He also will behave recklessly and impulsively when struggling with his sense of self worth, which is highly wrapped up in his ability to save people. 

Parents:

Eddie’s parents fall into the category of authoritarian. This means that Eddie's parents demanded a lot. They imposed strict rules, expected obedience and would deliver harsh punishments if they didn’t get it, but little to no reward if they did.  

They’re also in all likelihood rather strict catholics, given their heritage and where he was raised. (El Paso, Texas; hispanic immigrant parents).

Authoritarian parents expect their kids to obey without question, so someone like Eddie )who has a strong sense of self for the most part) would likely not have a very good relationship with them. They often impose their beliefs and seem to try and model their children after themselves. 

Eddie’s parents demanded perfection from him and enforced the idea of a “manly man” meaning that any show of emotion or “weakness” was met negatively.

Buck’s parents are almost the complete opposite; they show the traits of negligent parents rather than authoritarian.

Negligent parents are neither demanding nor responsive, meaning they don’t have expectations for him because quite simply they don’t care enough to. They were highly uninvolved in his life and careless. They didn’t (and still don’t) seek any sort of closeness or attachment with him, it’s almost as if he’s more of a nuisance than anything else. (When he confronted them in season 4, Buck’s parents stated that he “wasn’t an easy child,” asking “what were [they] supposed to do?”) 

Thus Buck acted out, often solely to try and get any sort of reaction from them.

He pulled stunts (crashing bikes, trying excessively dangerous tricks, spending college tuition on motorcycles) and got hurt and in trouble all because he just wanted some sort of implication that his parents cared even in the slightest. When they didn’t, it just pushed him to be more reckless because if the only people that are supposed to care about him don’t, why would anyone? Given that his parents didn’t care, his ADHD also went undiagnosed and only added to his impulsive recklessness. Likely the only reason he didn’t get himself killed before adulthood is Maddie, his elder sister. 

Maddie is nine years older than him and until age twelve, all but raised him herself. When Buck was 12, she moved away with her boyfriend and was only intermittently in his life for the next ~15 years. 

Insecure Attachment Part Two: 

When kids are raised in households where they feel unsafe or unstable or unsupported they have difficult times forming attachments early on. 

This leads to insecure attachment which can manifest in a couple ways. 

For Eddie, it's an avoidant attachment. He keeps people at a distance and avoids forming close connections because, to an extent, he believes he’s incapable of it or will end up doing more harm than good to whoever he connects with.

Buck shows the other side of insecure attachment: clinging anxious. Since he also had no real parental attachments in childhood and even Maddie eventually left him (while he was still quite young in a critical stage of development) this led to another manifestation of insecure attachment. 

Buck’s developed as a clinging anxious attachment. This means he’s very quick to attach to people and craves acceptance. He has a heightened sensitivity to rejection (likely RSD due to his ADHD) and is constantly on the lookout for signs of people leaving/rejecting him.

Buck's parents quite literally could not have cared any less whereas Eddie's parents suffocated him. Both are horrible for children and cause permanent psychological trauma. None were particularly affectionate parents, leading to trouble forming secure attachments and sensitivity to rejections.

Given that Buck was never worth a second thought to his parents and Eddie was never enough for his, both have skewed senses of self worth. They both rely on their relationships with others and their abilities to help/save people to determine their self worth and confidence.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Hello! I really love your costume metas so much so I figured you'd be the person to ask: in the last episode when the team is hanging out, waiting for Ravi to get back with coffee, the flag patch on Eddie's uniform is frayed around the edges. Do you think this would be deliberate/a nod to how he's doing mentally, or just the uniform getting a lot of use? Diaz money trouble? I haven't paid a ton of attention to the patches in the past, but it seemed really noticeable in this scene.

Hey Nonnie

Thank you so much for your lovely words about my costume meta 😊I always love hearing that people are enjoying them and thank you for such a great ask. 💜💜

It made me think about Eddies uniforms more generally since he joined the 118 in season 2 because he's gone through a fair bit of change - more so than anyone else in fact, so I'm going to use this ask as an opportunity to talk about his uniform more generally!

I did have to go back and do some rewatching, because I wanted to really look at his uniform choices as well as check everyone's patches to ensure that there weren't any other frayed or damaged ones. I can confirm this is the only instance of a patch looking less than immaculate and I'll come back to it, but first I want to comment on his uniform more generally.

We've gone from Eddie wearing his uniform tight fitting in the first half of season 2 (pay close attention to his sleeves in particular!)

to

The picture is especially interesting because as you can see, not only is the shirt a bit loose fitting, so to are his trousers - they are sitting far more baggy around his ankles than we see at any other time (I tried to get screen shots of the better fitting trousers but he's always moving too fast when we see him full length!) this is during his fighting arc - when everything is going a bit haywire for him as he's dealing with Shannons death and feels like he's lost his best friend.

The change to his t-shirts is also interesting, because they've also become baggy and almost oversized, particularly in season 4b & even more so in 5a.

Basically this change has happened since he starts dating Ana (make of that what you will!) The one of him above from 5x02 is telling (its not a great screenshot, but in my defence the blackout didn't make it easy!), he's post panic attack and pre breakup - the t-shirt is oversized as if the stress of it all is making him lose weight, its the most baggy we ever see his t-shirts, they become less baggy post his breakup, but we're still not back to the sexy tight t-shirt Eddie (maybe we will be in 5b to match in with his new sexy hair 😂) we saw in the beginning. Of course we know Ryan can drop and gain weight fairly easily for his fighting, but the costume team would be prepared for that - they'd be working with him and have different sized duplicates so that it wasn't too obvious if they weren't trying to tell a story through his clothes. They've always accommodated Olivers massing etc so we don't notice on the show when he's doing that - his uniform is always tight fit! (thank you Oliver and wardrobe 😎)

Now back to Eddies frayed patch:

I've zoomed in and out on this patch and spent a quite frankly ridiculous amount of time staring at it trying to figure out if it was badly sewn on, or if it was distressed by the breakdown department. I don't have anything conclusive, but i'm leaning more toward a deliberate breakdown because it looks to me more like some of the yellow gold embroidery silk of the patch itself has been pulled, rather than the stitches holding it in place!

I'm pretty sure it won't be as a result of money trouble etc, because I'm fairly certain that US fire departments (like their UK counterparts, which I have more knowledge of as I'm UK based and work with fire crews on a semi regular basis in my job!) provide their staff with their uniforms and they'll have a quota amount of shirts, trousers etc that they can have each year (its pretty common for uniform to get damaged on the job when you're a firefighter!), they'd just have to return the damaged items to get new ones. I also don't know if its the same in the US, (i'm assuming it may well be) but its fairly common for each station to launder uniforms in house (whether thats using a laundry collection service or actually having an on site service) because domestic machines aren't up to the levels of gunge and grime these uniforms are likely to come up against.

We'll have to see if Eddies patches continue to show signs of wear and tear to know for sure if its representative of his frayed mental state, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were. We know Eddie is getting worse mentally and it's a common trope to use in clothing in film and television. So its definitely something to be keeping an eye out for in the next episode and into 5b!

Thanks again for a great ask and I hope this has answered it (and a bit more!) like always, my inbox is open if anyone has any questions etc 💜💜

[gatheringbones]

im in a very similar situation re: cleaning the kitchen. my partner is sweet and kind but the man just somehow cannot do it and is petrified about being Unable To Do Something to the extent that he just avoids thinking about it unless i confront him, and then he deep cleans everything and falls apart because i am confronting him with the idea that he is harming me. i cant reconcile the kind and loving and brings-me-food-when-i-cant-eat man i love with this -- miserable animal who is more concerned about the idea of doing harm than the actual harm!!! but im realizing there is little to nothing i can do besides ask him to change and leave if he doesnt.

oh, same animal. same situation as it's been described to me. A sweet, demonstrative man who will hold someone through a panic attack any time it is asked of him, but cannot commit to other caretaking activities that have to do with habitat maintenance and enrichment. all that deep dark brain stuff where your partner is essentially an animal in your care, an animal you bestow care and attention to the same way you would for a stick insect in a terrarium or a cat in an apartment, the both of you misting leaves and scooping up litter on a regular consistent basis because that's what you do when you take care of an animal.

and same deal for him— breakdowns upon confrontation. and there's nothing wrong with that. I break down when gently confronted, but it's going through the motions and c knows that. I get it out of my system, I sit, I breathe, and then we continue to talk about the problem. Then we solve the problem. If either one of us cries, we sit, we breathe, we do a soothe, and we circle back. The thing that needs addressing gets addressed because of how we connect it to our system of mutual care. If either of us couldn't do that, none of this would work.

[tenthgrove]

yess thank you for letting me ask you about the lore >:3c so I have to get my absolute favorites outta the way first— what kinda lore and thoughts do you have for sorbet or gelato ( <- before they get together and the earlier years of them getting together if you need a specific period ) I have to also ask are you ok if I go down the “line” and get your thoughts in other asks about the rest of the la squadra babes? Thank you sm 💖💖 I hope you’re having a wonderf day/evening

Ah! Now this is one of my absolute favourites! Apologies to anyone who has already heard me ramble about my Sorbet and Gelato backstory ad nauseam on multiple occasions, but this is really an area where I can't help myself. Besides, this is my opportunity to go more in depth where I haven't before:

(Note after writing this: It's stupidly long. I'm sorry I just can't help myself with these backstories. I couldn't decide what to leave out so I decided nothing.)

(Also please feel free to ask me more lore questions because I love doing this)

We'll begin with Sorbet, born in Naples in February 1967 if you follow the canon timeline (although by default I write in modern AU so move the dates 20 years later). His situation at birth was absolutely dire, the eldest child of an incredibly vulnerable woman and one of her clients as a sex worker. Sorbet's mother was by all means a decent woman but her severe mental illness and drug addiction made it impossible for her to be a good mother, which of course had a bad effect on Sorbet growing up. After Sorbet, she had 5 more children, all through clients, and Sorbet was saddled with much of their care.

Though he loved his siblings, Sorbet was pretty much done with this life by age 12 and was easily swept up by older boys from the local street gang, who paid him well to peddle drugs when he should have been in school. This was a very underfunded neighbourhood so nobody questioned his truancy, and within the next couple of years he had stopped going to school entirely. Shortly after this, having acquired sufficient money through his crime involvement, Sorbet left his family to stay with his new friends, moving between them on a regular basis. He also discovered his sexuality around this time and dated a few male friends, though none of these relationships got very far.

By age 16, Sorbet had earned a reputation in the street gang for skilled and passionate violence, and was selected by the ringleader to commit the group's first planned murder, in exchange of course for a lucrative reward. Sorbet accepted, succeeded, and became the group's de-facto assassin whenever needed. He continued to hoard considerable money for the remainder of his adolescence, though continued to be functionally homeless since he didn't see it necessary when sofa-surfing was suiting him fine.

Before resuming with Sorbet, let's explain the life that Gelato came from. Gelato was born in October 1967 in St. Petersburg, Russia, (Note- I previously used the city of Minsk, unaware that this is in fact, in Belarus) to an upper-middle class businessman and his Italian wife, a distant relative of French Monarchy. Gelato's relationship with his parents was rocky from the start due to the fact they would have preferred a girl after three successive sons, but any parental love they had for their youngest child broke down entirely after he was diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD at age 5, in an evaluation intending to find the cause of some behavioural issues that were really, just a response to emotional neglect.

When Gelato was 13 he, his parents, and two of his three brothers (the eldest was already an adult by this time and elected to stay behind) moved to Italy to escape some allegations of corruption in the father's business. They moved to a rural village in North-West Italy where the community was very middle-class and quite stifling for Gelato, who had enough social rules to remember in the familiar, economically-diverse city he grew up in. His behavioural issues got worse and began to include things he would later regret, such as attacking and stealing from younger children, and things he would absolutely not, like attacking and stealing from teachers. By this point the family had largely written him off as a failure, revering instead their academically successful, well-behaved older children, which absolutely contributed to the spiralling cycle of behaviour issues Gelato faced.

Then, at age 17, Gelato failed a crucial exam and was expelled from high-school. His parents kicked him out on the spot, and with no other family in Italy Gelato had very few options on what to do next. He recalled, however, one older friend having links to a street gang in Naples, and decided to see if this boy might have a route out of destitution for him. Indeed, the friend did know of a man in Naples needing assistance within the gang, but could offer no help in getting Gelato there. Seeing no other way, Gelato walked the whole journey.

Arriving in Naples, the friend's associate announced that the position Gelato was after had been taken, but taking pity on his distress, informed him of another friend who needed someone to look after an unlicensed bar that served as one of the group's main meeting points. He agreed to arrange for the small apartment above the bar to be given as payment.

Gelato accepted, but although he had now solved the problem of homelessness his life was still incredibly miserable. For one, with his pay being the apartment he had to rely on measly tips to get by, which rarely left him with enough to eat let alone anything else. Additionally, as an outsider with little understanding of the way gangs work Gelato was an easy target for abuse, and was treated like absolute shit by the bar's patrons.

By this point in time, Sorbet had just turned 18. He was, incidentally, in the same gang Gelato had joined, and a regular at the bar he worked in. For a good couple of months they took no notice of each other, until Sorbet came to be in a coincidental feud with one of the men who was violent to Gelato at the bar. When Gelato witnessed the two of them in a fight, he made the spur-of-the-moment decision to join in on Sorbet's side, knocking the patron unconscious and leaving him too afraid to visit again. For his trouble, Sorbet gave Gelato a portion of the money he looted from the fight's loser, and flirted with him lightly before going about with his evening. Unknown to Sorbet, he had just sent Gelato falling head over hills in love.

Gelato found out about Sorbet's sexuality from other patrons and, delighted, attempted to flirt with him the next time they saw each other, but his attempts came off very poorly and Sorbet actually thought he was being insulted. Angered, he dragged Gelato into the cellar to demand what was going on. Gelato, terrified, admitted having a crush, which Sorbet found to be the sweetest and most genuine thing he'd ever heard. While he couldn't promise a relationship, he did agree to show Gelato more attention in the future. But, it was only a matter of days until Sorbet found himself loving Gelato back.

This whirlwind relationship continued happily for three weeks, Sorbet greatly improving Gelato's situation through his saved money and helping him fend off the abusive patrons. Gelato, in turn, offered Sorbet a permanent place to stay in the apartment, which he accepted. Sorbet was in the process of moving his things, and they had plans to refurbish the place to make it actually habitable.

But then, everything came crashing down. One night the bar was subject to a surprise raid by the police, operating by the false assumption it was empty. Sorbet and Gelato attempted to flee but were caught, and in a panic, Gelato shot a policeman dead. Rushing to his defence Sorbet killed two more, but a fourth escaped to tell the tale. The couple knew they were screwed. Running to the headquarters of their gang they begged for protection but were informed the small group simply could not save them from a charge this serious, and gave them only a single night of shelter to plan their next move. Gelato, who remember had never committed anything more serious than minor ABH before, had an absolute breakdown over this predicament that night, and whilst comforting him, Sorbet devised a blood pact with him to stick together no matter what came.

Over the next few days, Sorbet and Gelato fled north, avoiding the police through Sorbet's skills as a criminal and Gelato's very convincing Russian tourist impression. They were almost at the French border when Sorbet awoke one night to find Gelato missing behind him. He chased his tracks to the driveway of a rural house, a tearful Gelato clutching a knife at the shut door and trembling. He informed Sorbet that he had intentionally led him to the village where his family lived, with the intention to break in and kill them as revenge for the years of abuse. Sorbet warned Gelato that this would not be good for their attempts to flee, but said he understood fully and would help him if this is truly what he wanted. Gelato agreed, and together they broke into the house and slaughtered Gelato's mother and father, additionally killing one of his brothers after he woke from the noise. The other brother, the youngest other than Gelato, was spared, as Gelato felt his role in the abuse had been comparatively more minor and he did not deserve to die. This of course, left another witness.

The massacre in the village was quickly linked to the one at the bar and Gelato was promptly identified from a comparison of DNA found at the scene to his surviving brother's. Sorbet, a known criminal, was identified soon after. Not only were the pair now known but the police figured out what their plan was and informed the French police as well, making things exponentially harder for the couple.

They made do for a while by hanging low and keeping on the move, living off money stolen from the parents' house. Eventually however, they needed more, and began making deals with local crime organisations to carry out assassinations in exchange for money or temporary shelter. While Sorbet was already a pro at this, Gelato found himself a fast learner, and soon realised he shared Sorbet's adoration for the act of killing. He felt as though he was finally coming to meet his true self.

Though the assassination deals were lucrative, they did not help the couple keep a low profile and the attacks from police were relentless. Several times, they barely escaped capture. All this was not good on their mental states, and after two years, Sorbet knew it needed to end. He and Gelato returned to Naples in the hope their old gang might reconsider protecting them, but they were met with a surprise as their old gang had been completely overtaken by Passione. Even still, the new mobsters had heard a lot about Sorbet and Gelato's exploits and agreed to get them an audience with a local Capo, Pericolo, who was impressed by the men's skills and moved by the sense of honour suggested by their love for each other. He agreed to initiate them into the gang.

Soon after this, Sorbet and Gelato recieved stands which, although not very powerful, assisted them greatly in the art of assassination. Soon, they were natural choices for Passione whenever a hit needed carrying out in the Naples area. At some point a few years in, they befriended a man named Prosciutto who had been recently forced into Passione due to his heritage. Prosciutto was also funnelled into assassination jobs and, with less of a reputation for impulsivity than Sorbet and Gelato, was the one given the order to form a new assassination squad when the need arose, around 1993 if we're following canon.

(Note, I hc La Squadra was created by Passione in response to a real life government crackdown on the Italian mafia around 1992-93, in response to an incredibly scandalous series of assassinations. In such a climate, it would make sense for Passione to want to consolidate an elite squad of its best hitmen, do avoid future problems.)

Due to personal commitments Prosciutto did not want to be the captain, so attempted to give this responsibility to Sorbet, a request the boss promptly denied. Prosciutto was, however, allowed to add Sorbet and Gelato to the team's ranks, cementing the three of them as the first members of the team.

Prosciutto would, soon enough, find another person to give the title of captain to, but that's a story for another time.

[hepaidattention]

hi I’m going to list off my favorite emotional scenes in Teen Wolf that made me stop and think “oh my god - I thought this was just a campy teen drama.” Don’t mind me. (Not in a particular order.)

1) When Stiles thinks he has the same type of dementia that his mom had, and him and Scott hug each other before he has his CAT scan, and he just sobs as he holds his best friend. That scene WRECKED me and I will never get over it. It, in my opinion, was the most emotional scene in the entire show because it wasn’t about anything supernatural or mystical. It was a real issue that people have to face every single day. 

2) In s3, again when Stiles is mentally fighting the nogitsune and hasn’t slept in weeks. He goes to Scott’s mom for help, because that’s who he has for a mother figure. He needs someone to take care of him and he knows she always will. He breaks down in front of her, terrified over what’s happening to him, and she makes him sleep with a sedative (in a loving, caring way). He calls her mom as he goes under, and that scene might never leave my heart. Ever.

3) When Aiden dies in his twin brother, Ethan’s, arms. The fact that his last thoughts were that he still was going to die as the villain, even though everyone knew he was redeemed as a hero. Ethan and Aiden were never my favorite characters, but his death was so immensely sad and it was too much for me. He was just a kid.

4) The entire episode of Motel California. Isaac literally having to relive his childhood trauma - like what the actual heck? And of course, the scene when Stiles not only tries to talk Scott out of suicide, but then tells him if he’s going to kill himself then Stiles is going to die with him. AND THEN HE STEPS INTO THE GASOLINE. I literally ... I can’t. The relationship between Stiles and Scott might be the most wholesome friendship in any show I’ve ever seen.

5) When the Sherriff refused to let Stiles admit himself into Eichen House and uses the excuse that Stiles needed his pillow because he couldn’t sleep without it. Then, as he’s near tears fighting his son, telling him he couldn’t live with himself if he left him there without his pillow because he wouldn’t ever sleep, Stiles just looks at him and says, “Dad, I haven’t slept in days.” I think Stiles and his dad are my second favorite relationship in that show. There’s nothing compared to their father/son bond. 

6) When no one will believe Lydia that Stiles is real in s6 and she breaks down outside of where his door should be. What hurts me the most from this was that Stiles ALWAYS believed in her. It didn’t matter if she had zero proof, he always believed her and always convinced everyone else to believe her. If no one went along with it, Stiles always did. But when he was gone, she had no one to believe her, and no one to help her find him. Lydia always went to Stiles when she needed his help, and in many scenes she’s at his door for his help. This scene killed me because it reflected how she needed him, she came to his door, but it wasn’t there anymore and the way she broke down against the wall made ME break down. 

7) When the Sherriff remembers Stiles in s6 and his wife has to “die” in order for him to fully remember. Just. That’s it. There’s no other words to say. It was a BEAUTIFUL scene and I... I can’t. 

8) In s3b when Stiles has the nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare, and when he finally wakes up he’s screaming and panicking and his dad has to come in and hold him down like this wasn’t a new thing. That’s called PTSD guys, and it’s real. This scene killed me. 

9) s3b again, but when Stiles can’t read in class and runs out and has a panic attack in the bathroom. Scott follows him and Stiles is insisting that its a dream, and Scott has to talk him through that panic attack as well as showing him he’s really awake. The realness in this scene just... all of s3b had me crying tbh. 

10) When Stiles has a panic attack in s3a. I swear this show got so real sometimes. They dealt with panic attack's a lot in the show and I appreciated it so much because YES. Teenagers going through this crap WOULD have panic attacks. I mean heck I have panic attacks without my friends and family all almost dying on a regular basis. It was so so sad and it just broke my heart for him.

11) in s6, when Stiles is being erased and he runs to his dad. He goes to him terrified of what’s happening and he hugs him and is frantically explaining and his dad asks him what his name is. That scene hurts. Stiles not being remembered by his dad is crushing, and it really hit me that he was really being taken. Seeing the realization on Stiles’ face is heartbreaking. 

12) When Stiles is about to be taken in s6 and tells Lydia she’s going to forget him and she says “I won’t” and he just says, “Lydia, you will,” but she still refuses to believe it. Then once he’s taken, she sits there and says “remember, remember” and the next scene Scott and Malia ask her what she’s forgetting and she says she can’t remember. 

13) When Lydia walks to and waits by Stiles locker in s6a after he’s been taken, and she doesn’t know who’s she’s waiting for, she just knows she’s supposed to meet someone there.

14) When Lydia realizes/remembers she never once told Stiles she loved him.

15) When Lydia stays with Stiles even though she knows Allison is about to die, and then can sense her death and sobs as she lays on an unconscious Stiles for comfort. Lydia goes through hell in s3b and I don’t think we realize it enough. She not only was emotionally tied to Stiles and had to not only watch but feel the pain he was going through with the nogitsune, but she knew Allison was going to die and knew there was nothing she could do about it. 

16) s3a when Lydia can feel what’s happening to Stiles but she can’t do anything about it so she just cries and banshee screams in her car. 

17) When Isaac has a breakdown in Argent’s arms after Allison’s death.

18) The entire backstory of Isaac. Like. Guys he was so abused that poor boy deserved so much better. His goodbye made me mad - we got so attached to him and then he just left and never came back. 

19) in s5 when they save Lydia from Eichen House but they think she’s dead, and Stiles begs her to open her eyes. I literally hold my breath every time I watch that scene. The tears in Stiles’ eyes, his broken expression, Scott and Deaton looking at Stiles like they don’t know how to handle Stiles if she’s dead, it’s... it’s so much emotion. And the relief on everyone’s face when she finally breathes. Just... damn. 

20) The entirety of Stiles dealing with the death of Donovan. I can hardly get through s5 because I can’t stand to watch the pain Stiles go through the entire season. He is emotionally tortured the whole time, and it’s not like is s3 when its a supernatural force - it’s his own darkness being used against him. He almost loses his dad, he almost loses Lydia countless of times, Scott (his BEST FRIEND, the guy he calls BROTHER) loses trust in him, and he has to live with the death of Donovan on his conscience with literally no support. Stiles was always, like Lydia, right about just about everything. Yet, no one ever picked his side - which left him having to fight his demons, AGAIN, alone. 

I’m gonna leave it there at 20. However, I could go on for hours. This show man - how is it one of the campiest, yet funniest, yet most emotional shows I’ve watched in a really long time? 

[inwardboundseagypsy]

A breakdown of my LATELY.

- My 6 year old is diagnosed with ASD Level 2 and ADHD

- Some teachers are supportive and helpful, others are pulling their hair out and telling me about it on a daily basis while disciplining him in sometimes physically aggressive manner.

- Husband is traveling between Italy (where we are) and the U.S. during COVID times, spending the majority of his time (3 weeks) in the U.S. raising up a new business, and less than one week at home with us. (We are trying to be patient and understanding...we are saving for a new house so that we can get out of our current rental situation.)

- Current rental situation: house floods, black mold in bedroom, water refuses to get hot in the morning hours (no hot showers until evening), there is one small room dedicated to all: living room, kitchen and dining area (and it's seriously tiny!), it's by the beach which is wreaking havoc on my sinuses (I suffer from sand dust allergies and sinusitis due to the extreme humidity - makes me tired and miserable most of the time.), No place to control the dogs' activity (they're old and pee wherever they want), kid's bedroom is so small, we cant even fit his toys, nor does he have ample floor space to play, everything breaks (fridge, toilet seats, shower hoses and heads, the pumps that suck water from the ground level when it rains - thus the flooding, closet doors get stuck, paint is pulverizing and falling right off the walls, bedroom door is accordion style and impossible to fix - thus it wont close. The list goes on.) We are truly miserable here and can't find another rental - we've looked and exhausted all options in the area! So we need to buy, ASAP!

------------------------------------

So...I'm alone with my special needs child, getting him set up with therapy appointments, trying to communicate with his angry and frustrated teachers in a language I'm not yet fluent in, while working on my own anxiety and depression following bouts of extreme stress trying to get his cooperation in the home as well. There is no family for support and help. All friends and possible babysitter options fall through the cracks as everyone is getting COVID, we are forced at times into distance learning depending on how many of my kid's classmates test positive at any given moment, and I'm still trying to work on my Italian by attending an adult school three mornings per week for a total of 9 hours.

I have a lot on my plate. It almost seems like I'm living life in a foreign country as a single parent without the help of family. OK, well I kind-of am! And I suffer from anxiety, depression, ADD, and now after having researched and studied about Autism for hours, days, months on end...I'm beginning to believe that I, too, need to get evaluated.

I'm starting to have panic attacks. I've had only 2 in my entire 43 years of life...and now I'm having them regularly. What's concerning for me is that my young boy is serving witness to them. And for me, that's not OK. That's an alarm bell for me that's ringing toward the direction that I need to get help for myself as well. I NEED to be focused on him. I NEED to be strong and stable for him. He is too little to see his mother in this state of mind all of the time. He's also witnessing a plethora of emotional meltdowns and breakdowns, as I'm back to the fragile state of not being able to control extreme moments of emotional overwhelm.

My head hurts on a regular basis, not only over trying to suppress emotional responses to repeated and continual stress, but also triggering situations like when one of his teachers are 12 inches away from my face, shouting at me because she's frustrated with my son. So my head already hurts from poor emotional and stress regulation, ENTER - non fluency in a foreign language which is necessary for survival and all communications with those around me.

Many expats know that when you enter a life in a foreign country, and begin to learn a language through full immediate immersion, your head gets so hot and feels like it's about to explode some days, if you're focused on listening hard to understand what's being said, and combing your rapidly increasing vocabulary for the right words to be able to articulate what you need, what you want, and how to hold a conversation.

Add to the list of normal expat adaptation: how to communicate about the needs of your child and understand school protocols concerning entering a new school or grade level or switching over to online distance learning where you need to help your ADHD Autistic child to understand and focus on the school work that you barely understand...these directions being given....in the new language! Doctor appointments and communications. Therapy appointments and communications. Psych evaluations. The list of a parent is even greater!

People are very empathetic about this struggle. But then let's throw in that the person who's needing to navigate all of this, not just for herself, but for her son....also has anxiety, depression and ADHD. (And I guess sooner or later, we'll find out about the Autism.) Dude! I'm fighting a steep and treacherous uphill battle!

I guess it's important to understand that if I can get through this...all of those moments where I break down and cry (because I can't control my emotional response to triggers and stress) that make me feel like a broken, incapable, weak person...are just crumbling rocks on the hillside beneath my feet making it difficult to gain traction, but I always do! I always come through it, and if I can manage THAT, I'm not weak after all. I'm stronger than the average person who's got their shit together and treads a lighter path. But in the end, who are any of us to assume everyone's path is free of debris. We only know our own unique situations. And as a result, we tend to feel consumed with our own situations and swallowed by our own challenges, forgetting...that we are NOT alone.

My goal in divulging all of this chaos to the world wide net is not only to process and find release (IT's good for me), but also in the hopes that someone else out there who may relate to my story for one reason or another, someone else who struggles on a daily basis to do the basic things or the hard things in life...or who finds the basic things to be hard things...I want you to know that you're not alone. I get you.

More and more sensitive people are popping up, surfacing from the waves of a regimented society that for too long has covered up or ignored those of us who are deeply emotional and sensitive to situations and tangible things in life that others don't bat an eyelash over. It's often misunderstood by others, and for so long we've been made to feel psycho or crazy by the rest of society. Really, at times, being sensitive can be a gift. But it's hard when you're in the hurricane of the struggle, and even harder when it happens in front of people who don't. get. it. I'm here to tell you, I do.

[xaysnotebook]

Chapter 1 - Behind Colored Eyes

“I told you it was pointless to even try to study for that test! It was made to screw over your final grade.”

“I know, but at least we got a passing grade, almost everyone failed besides us.” Alex replied, pacing unevenly. The psychology final was played as the hardest final outside of the math department, and they had been one of the few students to get a passing grade. The only cost of this is that they skipped out on work for a couple days and stayed awake for possibly a little too long. 

“Well, I know you’re hungry, how about that new restaurant down by Semia’s house? It’s some Italian place I think.”

“I would love to, but you know I can't afford it, and I am not asking for money again.” Alex was already in debt because of college, they also had a personal debt to their parents for more than a month of rent and food bills.

“If you say so, you could always dip into your savings again. You need a little bit of a pick-me-up. You could always talk to Sandra.” That last comment made Alex stop in their tracks, their gray eyes almost glazing over with anger. “Alright, that was too far I already know. I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”

“Damn, Jason.” Alex thought out loud, earning him a questioning glance from a couple walking nearby. Jason was good to keep around for simple conversation, but he was definitely able to turn rude quickly. Alex started back towards the apartment, feeling slightly more lonely than before, but nothing they weren't used to. They were a generally lonely person for multiple reasons, but any time they got left, it felt a bit worse.

Alex was a scrawny but tall person, standing at about six foot two while actually standing up straight. They had a mess of blue hair that was starting to fade from being in the sun too often. With a smaller nose and piercing gray eyes, they had been compared to a blue raven before, actually being called Raven by some coworkers and friends. They were also born a male, but had chosen to live by the “they” pronouns when they were around seventeen, being easily passable for both genders and drifting around on what they felt like on a minute to minute basis. Now they were almost twenty-one, and already knew it was going to be another bland birthday, most likely spent with Tasha.

As they walked up to their apartment building, they heard the sound of loud music playing and quickly assumed it was Tasha. However there was a distinct feeling that they were being watched. After glancing about, they noticed a peculiar pair of yellow eyes staring through a set of blinds. For obvious reasons they were taken aback and quickly scurried to the front door of the apartment complex. After going inside, they made a wide path around the strange apartment and got to their own. From the door, it was clear that Tasha was blaring some assortment of rap music, and easily loud enough that they would get a noise complaint later for it. Pushing through the front, Alex found the living room in tatters, the dining room full and random cups leftover, and a clearly hung over Tasha sleeping on the kitchen floor. After turning off the music, Alex walked over to the fridge, nudging Tasha with their foot on the way only to hear a slight grunt. How anyone could sleep with that loud music playing, on a cold floor was beyond Alex, but they knew Tasha was used to it by now. She was in her last semester, graduating with two majors and a minor in only four years, something that would take most people at least eight.

Tasha was the type of person that was born hyper-intelligent, and hated every minute of it. As such, she rebelled by being a straight A student, with an insane party life. She was a chubby Native American girl with long black hair that was almost always braided, bright green eyes, and a large birthmark across her left eye. When Alex had first met her, they had seemed like polar opposites, and almost resented each other. Then they were put as roommates in their first year, and before Christmas break had become best friends, almost inseparable.

“Tasha, wake up, You need to eat something before noon.” Alex whispered as they bent over to shake her awake. “I ate before I drank. I think I’ll live, Alex.” Tasha muttered sleepily, trying to cover herself with aluminum foil.

“Yes, but you also have a test at three to finish your mathematics major, and you need to need to finish your project with Janet.” Janet had made extra sure to yell at Alex before they left campus.

“Ugh, fine,” Tasha said groggily as she rolled over to face Alex, her eyes still blurry from exhaustion, “but only if we can go to the coffee shop. I need my fix!”

“Then let’s go and get your drugs, but you’re buying this time!” Alex said, feeling that all too familiar shift in balance within themself, almost like a subtle knock on the back of their head.

“Two large chai lattes please!” Alex chimed to the barista.

“Seven thirty-four please.” She responded in a monotone manner, “Thank you, name?”

“Alex, and could you put a smiley face under it?” Alex responded hopefully.

“Sure, hon.” She said, a slight smile beginning to creep onto her face.

“Thank you!” Alex beamed. They made their way towards the table that Tasha was sitting at, suddenly remembering that it was supposed to be her turn to pay for the drinks. “Weren’t you supposed to pay this time?” they commented after sitting down. Tasha was staring off absentmindedly, vaguely tracing mathematical equations on the table with her finger. “Hey Spacey! Whatcha thinking about?”

Snapping back to reality, she slyly commented “The probability that they’ll mess up on our lattes yet again. I mean how hard is it to make regular chai lattes?”

“Hey relax! I sweet talked the barista, we should be good for today!” Alex’s definition of “sweet talking” was rather loose, but it always seemed to work out for them.

“Well thank you, you massive flirt.” Tasha chuckled as she eyed him lazily, “You know, you’ve been single since the end of freshman year. Aren’t you lonely?”

“I mean yeah, I’m always yet never lonely. You know how my head works better than anyone else. And besides, why would I need another best friend when I have you?” Alex responded, half heartedly flirting. The two had actually been close to dating once, but had decided against it and to remain best friends. At the point they were at in their friendship, it would either fail miserably or go perfectly, and neither of them were willing to risk everything that they had been through.

“Yeah, but we both know that you..”

“Alex!” Cried the barista, “With two smiley faces!”

“I’ll go grab those for us.” Tasha said as she stood. As she walked away, Alex had a familiar sensation of being watched. Scanning the room, they didn’t notice anyone looking at them besides Tasha as she was walking back.

Then they glanced at the barista. Those same piercing yellow eyes, seeming to attack their very soul. Her eyes suddenly went back to a dull brown color and she shook her head clear, seemingly losing a couple inches of height before going to the next customer in line. “Did you see her eyes?” Alex stammered out while they slightly shook in panic.

Tasha sat down and eyed them curiously, “What? That lady’s? No? Why do you look so scared suddenly?” She peered at him strangely, like an owner looking at a scared puppy.

“I swear, she had bright yellow eyes for a few seconds! Then they were suddenly normal again? You really didn’t see them when you walked up to her?” Alex’s mind was racing at this point, could they be finally breaking apart? They had been warned stability would only last so long, but it has only been a couple years, it was too soon.

“Hey, Alex. Look at me.” Tasha said, grabbing their hand gently, “Is it getting bad again? Do we need to go?” 

“I don’t know, this isn’t how it was last time, not anything like this.” Alex’s voice was getting shaky, they were slowly slipping into a panic attack and were trying their hardest to avoid it as long as they could.

“I know what we saw, that bitch had yellow eyes. You can’t be getting bad again, I saw that.”

Alex shuddered slightly, “Well thank you Jason.” they said, not being sure whether to calm down since they weren’t crazy yet, or panic because a human just had bright yellow, almost snake like eyes.

“What’d he say?” Tasha questioned.

“He saw the eyes too I guess that means either we’re both going crazy, or she actually had yellow eyes.” Alex breathed out heavily, “It could be sleep loss, but that doesn’t usually affect everyone until after days of not sleeping. I’ve only been awake for maybe thirty hours at this point?”

“Okay, home or therapist?”

“Home. Joz is out of town this week for a seminar.” Alex breathed out shakily, still trying to sip coffee that was clearly too hot.

“Then come on, Joz will wait until she's back. And give me your keys, you’re in no state to drive.”

“I’ve driven while worse, but if you insist.” They would have refused to admit it, but they were truly terrified and most likely couldn’t even walk straight, let alone drive home.

After five minutes that seemed to last for an eternity, the two got back to the apartment complex and started heading towards the front door. Tasha glanced over and noticed Alex was watching a specific window very intently, “Why are you watching Ms. Higgans window? Expecting a ghost to come out?” she asked jokingly, attempting to lighten the mood. The only response that Alex provided was a vague murmur about yellow eyes. Tasha had seen Alex during bad breakdowns before, ranging from a light panic attack over tests to a complete meltdown where they had almost jumped out of a window. However, this was a new reaction, Alex was fully conscious but was unable to process much of anything really, almost like a breakdown, but without tears or hyperventilating or yelling or really any bad behaviour. As they walked inside the front door, Alex suddenly stopped directly outside of Ms. Higgans door. “Alex? What’s going on?” As she turned around, she stepped back in fear. Alex’s generally steel gray eyes had turned a deep violet, glowing and pulsating slowly.

[nicostolemybones]

The Doctor Is Not In

Tw: mental breakdown. implied/referenced: medical emergencies, ptsd, disordered eating, self harm, contamination ocd, paranoia, and delusions

Today was not a normal day in the infirmary. Anyone at the doors asking for Will was being met with a very angry Nico harshly growling at them to fuck off. Sure, severe injuries and breakdowns really had to be dealt with, but Nico demanded they be taken to Chiron or Apollo. Because behind the infirmary walls you could hear inconsolable screams, unsettling the campers- the doctor was calm, clinical. 

Nico made his way in, where Will was pacing like a caged animal, pulling his hair so hard a few strands came out, and Will kept hitting the walls and smacking his head and throwing stuff to the floor.

He wasn't okay.

He wasn't okay and it pissed Nico off because there shouldn't be a reason for Will to ever be like this. Will should not be in dire need of psychiatric help. Will should have been outside playing sports or indoors playing fortnite or studying subjects he was interested in or doing literally anything other than being a doctor. 

Because at this point? They were fifteen. Fifteen years old. And Will? On a daily basis, Will was exposed to medical emergencies that leave seasoned hospital workers with ptsd. Will was having to spend all his free time studying way beyond his age and overusing his powers, doing surgeries that required a team of specialists by himself. No anaesth- aneeth- whatever the putting you to sleep with drugs and making sure you don't die people were, no nurses, no actual experts. No cardiologists, radiologists, obstetricians, gynaecologists, midwives, oncologists, anaesthetists- that was the word- but Nico's point was:

Will was a literal fucking child dealing with injuries that would take a whole team of specialists literal decades of their life to be prepared for. Doctors who had been qualified since before Will was even born would not be qualified enough to do what Will was expected to do alone. 

And mental health issues? Will was expected to deal with them too. And it wasn't like it was the occasional anxious camper or the occasional bout of depression. No, Will was dealing with regular overdoses, self mutilation, severely disordered eating, psychosis, dissociative disorders, mood disorders, personality disorders- things that psychiatrists with a PhD were sometimes genuinely unqualified to help with. And Will? Will hadn't even reached middle school before he was working in the infirmary and wouldn't have even graduated middle school by the time he was head medic. Will hadn't seen the inside of a classroom since he was seven. 

Will was a fucking child.

Nico was mad enough that he was an undertaker himself so young, but this? The sheer amount that Will was expected to handle was too much. Being a combat medic? Expected to endanger his life on a battlefield defenseless to treat horrifying wounds no person should ever have to see let alone a child-

Yeah, Nico was fucking livid.

Because Will was having some kind of breakdown or episode from it all. And he shouldn't be because he should never have had to do this. 

Nico had to watch Will completely hysterical and nonsensical, watching him completely falling apart. Nico was the one who had been watching this brewing, had been listening to Will late at night, watching to him becoming paranoid and delusional, flashbacks and night terrors, jumpy, watching him losing sleep, afraid he'd die if he went to sleep, watching Will's odd behaviours spiral into obsessive rituals, watched him wash his hands until they were bleeding, shaking and crying because he was so scared of the germs, had watched Will develop an unhealthy obsession with pure healthy foods to the point that he would have a panic attack at the sight of fatty foods, obsessed with exercise to the point Nico would find him doing sit ups in the dead of night, spine all bruised, and now beginning to lose weight, panicking about that too to the point Will would sit calculating everything that went in or out of his body in an attempt to not lose weight, because by Will's flawed logic, as long as he didn't lose weight his diet wasn't dangerous or disordered.

Will wasn't well. He was traumatised and he had been allowed to spiral this bad, allowed to develop serious disorders, because as long as Will was functional enough to play doctor, nobody truly cared how much it hurt him.

All this responsibility had made Will ill.

Will was not supposed to be a doctor. He was a child. He wouldn't be the doctor now. Will was the patient. The inpatient, in urgent need of psychiatric help, having some kind of breakdown that Nico didn't know enough about to be able to help. 

Nico was in and out- he didn't want to leave Will alone but Austin and Kayla were there too and somebody had called his mama who was on her way and Nico had to make sure he had Will's belongings for his stay. 

His favourite blanket, the soft knitted blue one way too small and threadbare patched up with darker yarn that he'd had since a baby, knitted by his grandma. His small dinosaur plush, buried under his blankets, that Nico knew Will couldn't sleep without. His favourite hoodie- the pastel blue one with the clouds at the top, his favourite cozy yellow cable knit jumper, his favourite grey sweatpants, the cozy dog onesie he liked to sleep in when he was sad. The picture of Will and his mom when Will was seven. The one of him and Nico embracing in the rain. The small box Nico had never seen the contents of that he knew Will kept his dearest memories in. His diary, which Will had shared with Nico, his Frisbee, his favourite trophy from school- the one for his running. Nico's aviator jacket- it was big on Nico so it was the only thing of his that Will could really steal and be comfortable in- it grounded Will when Nico couldn't be there in person to help. And finally, Will's essentials, like his toothbrush and various creams and gels. 

On his way back, Nico's mood switched quickly from sentimental back to anger as people were gossiping ungratefully about the lazy sunshine boy who couldn't possibly be sad and was just faking for attention. Nico had seen too many scars to believe that, hidden beneath the long sleeves of the white shirt Will wore beneath his scrubs, the ones on the tops of his thighs and his stomach and chest and anywhere he could reach. 

Nico returned to Will, who was distraught, begging, because he didn't want to be in hospital anymore. He just wanted to go home. But he needed urgent treatment, he needed it now, and it broke Nico's heart.

Because Will should never have been a doctor, should never have lived the circumstances that lead to him being in this state.

So Nico placed the sign on the front of the infirmary doors, heart heavy with concern. 

'The doctor is not in.'

[geeneelee]

Aziraphale has been repressing his emotions for millennia. He’s clearly anxious, but he’s always very obediently (for his own safety) refused to show it.

Some might think that no longer having a boss, no longer being constantly on guard, having the freedom to be himself, will mean he is less anxious.

In my experience with such things, what is likely to happen post-canon is that Aziraphale finally lets out several thousand years’ worth of panic attacks, meltdowns and breakdowns. It’s going to be ugly.

(He goes to Anathema a few months into this to ask her how he should handle his upcoming death. He thinks that the Almighty is preparing to smite him, based on how his body keeps trying to shake itself to pieces on a regular basis.

She listens to his heart wrenching account of how he is definitely dying, She won’t forgive him and is exacting her revenge, how will he tell Crowley, the terror of these episodes.

She googles “recommended therapists in SoHo” and prints out a list of names and numbers.)

[fierte-verte]

HP Next Generation (Part 1)

Edward ‘Teddy’ Lupin

* hufflepuff!

* inherited every lovable trait of his parents—lupin’s patience and compassion, along with tonk’s humor and will

* which really just makes him the most likable person there is

* harry’s number one fan; there is no one he feels closer to than his godfather 

* a hardworking, persistent student who’s quite talented at charms and spellwork

* a friend of every professor; mcgonagall even refers to him as “saint lupin” sometimes

* “at last, a normal one”

* possesses ungodly patience, which is a good thing to have when you’re part of the weasley clan

* great with kids, partly because he himself is one at heart

* lily and roxanne are his girls, no elaboration required

* protective of first years, especially the cute ones

* will gladly morph into his wolf face to scare off bullies

* takes great pride in being a metamorphmagus; 

* doesn’t play quidditch but goes to every match for “spiritual support” 

* head boy in his seventh year—what else did you expect

* apart from that, also the human alarm clock in his dorm

* “you can’t skip breakfast! maybe lunch, but not breakfast!”

* can be a bit dense or insecure if under pressure

* friendly nature hinders his ability to recognize when people are taking advantage of him 

* luckily, victoire is always there to whack some sense into him

* “teddy, you can say no”

* and that is why he’s fallen head over heels for her since day one

*  low-key terrified of bill, though he tries hard not to show it

* “h-hello uncle bill”

*  just a sweetheart who wants to spread some cheer and love in the world

Victoire ‘Vicky’ Weasley

* ravenclaw!

* she’s got the grace and confidence of fleur, as well as a fair share of bill’s collected demeanor

* a level-headed and assertive witch, who wins every argument there is

* in fact, she’ll make you feel incredibly stupid for even starting one in the first place

* the personification of tough love

* won’t hesitate to whip her cousins’ asses if they ever get into trouble, which they do—a lot

* nevertheless, will also make sure they’re each well fed and happy  

* occasionally sheds a tear when she realizes just how quickly they’re all growing up

* excels in basically every subject at hogwarts, except history of magic

* “half of the textbooks are about our family anyway”

* knows she’s drop-dead gorgeous, but prefers when people compliment her smarts instead

* and boyfriend teddy does it regularly

* “what would i do without you vicky”

* in return, likes to remind teddy of his worth every day

* “ted, your mum and dad would be so proud of you”

* prefect since her fifth year, head girl in her seventh

* gives herself a lot of pressure, which sometimes may lead to breakdowns

* has a secret soft spot for albus and likes to watch over him in discretion 

* constantly restrains herself from strangling fred II, who has a knack for making her blood boil

* closest with bill, and despite her fervid denial, somewhat enjoys seeing teddy panic in front of him

* “c’mon dad, you’re scaring teddy”

Dominique Weasley

* gryffindor!

* adventurous girl who eats fun for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

* a wild ball of energy; will jump off a roof just for “the fun of it”

* gives fleur heart attacks on a regular basis, while her old man looks on with a proud smile

* “good one dom—you get it from me”

* the proud troublemaker amongst her siblings, practically worships her uncle george

* “can’t teach you any pranks, i’m afraid. your mother will have my head”

* loves care of magical creatures and exploring the school grounds; is hagrid’s star pupil

* probably friends with all the nifflers you can find and is one step away from understanding their language

* wants to become the next best zoologist after newt scamander

* plays seeker for the gryffindor team, with a style quite similar to her uncle harry’s

* thrives on using random french phrases to confuse people

* carefree, playful personality attracts admirers from all four houses

* the yin to her cousin molly ii’s yang; they are each other’s greatest rival and frenemy

* the middle child who enjoys riling up her big sister 

* also the middle child who babies her little brother no matter how old he gets

* witch with a hot temper, hexes people way more than she should

* gets scolded by madame pince for having trouble with controlling her volume

* “ms. weasley this is the library”

* rarely cries, but when she does the whole weasley bunch come to give her a huge, warm hug

Molly Weasley II

* slytherin!

* witty witch with enough sarcasm to fill up a gringotts vault

* likes to be rebellious at times but will always put family first  

* has weekly bets with her father over quidditch matches, which she usually wins 

* competitive nature makes her and dom an intense pair, yet they just get each other

* takes the crown for being street-smart in the weasley bunch

* even so, will push herself to do well in school—totally not to impress her twelve-owls father though

* very interested in ancient runes, as well as becoming a curse-breaker like her uncle bill

* has a long-term hufflepuff boyfriend and they’re really cute together

* head girl, sort of a surprise but, then again, she is percy’s child

* seeker for the slytherin team; is rather good at strategics on the field

* watches over her cousins every single day, despite acting as if she’s too cool for them

* is protective of her sister, whom she wishes would be more outspoken

* “you won’t know if you don’t try, lu”

* very proud of her cousin albus, likes to think of herself as “taking him under her wing”

* “aha! another slytherin in the family”

* secretly worries that she doesn’t fit in, will also misunderstood sometimes

* luckily, good old dad knows just how to deal with it

* “you don’t ever have to feel sorry about being different”

Lucy Weasley

* ravenclaw!

* on the one hand, is very sweet and could probably give you cavities

* on the other hand, will happily expose her cousins’ shenanigans with no mercy

* that being said, you could technically bribe her with some high-quality chocolate

* has a beautiful voice and sings well

* knows things about people before they do themselves

* and remembers every family member’s birthday and favorite color by heart

* “arguably” grandma molly’s favorite, according to her other grandchildren

* “i think your prayers were heard, mollywobbles”

* a witch particularly gifted in divination and astronomy

* in fact, her mother suspects she might be a seer

* can be overwhelmed by her visions if she doesn’t take good care of herself

* an avid reader of the quibbler, and therefore gets very excited whenever luna visits the burrow

* doesn’t play quidditch but attends all her sister’s matches

* enjoys talking to her cousins about all the strange dreams she has 

* “there was a hippogriff in the teacup...”

* deems louis her favorite cousin, but looks up to her older sister the most

* “mols you have great energy today”

* would conjure up rainbows with her wand for baby lily and hugo when they were upset

* more shy than the average weasley, even though she tries hard to be daring

* “m-maybe you could let me try that, fred”

Louis Weasley

* ravenclaw!

* creative boy with almost eerily sharp instincts

* speaks terrible french, though fleur never has the heart to correct him

* comes up with a couple hundred millions of ideas each day

* “what if there were carolling treacle tarts at christmas?”

* youngest in his family but absolutely despises being treated like a baby 

* does well in his arithmancy and alchemy classes at hogwarts

* and has collected at least thirty chocolate frog cards of nicolas flamel

* “is it really true, uncle harry? that you’ve seen the stone?”

* visits his uncle george and ron’s shop whenever he can 

* prefers to study the mechanics of prank items rather than actually using them

* “louis you throw these, not take them apart!”

* bonds with his grandpa arthur by looking at muggle artefacts

* and believe it or not—shares a healthy amount of uncle percy’s interest in brooms 

* “what if your broom could shrink into a quill for easier access?”

* tends to get too absorbed in his own thoughts, thus bumping into people all day every day

* there’s too much going on in his brain, so he can be a little forgetful at times

* “for merlin’s sake, here’s a remembrall”

Fred Weasley II

* gryffindor!

* confident and has quicker reflexes than you can blink

* owns a makeshift prank shop in the courtyard, in which he does not give a damn about getting caught

* “two galleons for this? no? how about three then?”

* in short, a terrible salesman and mcgonagall’s living nightmare

* rather skilled at apparition, which he makes full good use of

* “stop doing that in the house!”

* takes delight in spoiling other people’s drinks with stink pellets

* does everything in his power to annoy younger sister roxanne

* but will “accidentally” drive away anyone who is interested in her

* surprisingly, however, a real gentleman who will take no disrespect for girls

* chaser and captain of the gryffindor team; allegedly gives the best pep talks before matches

* “the g in gryffindor stands for victory”

* favorite bedtime story consists of fred and george’s adventures

* madly respects uncle harry for his contribution towards weasley’s wizard wheezes

* and aspires to take over the shop in the future

* has a gloomy side that he desperately hides from everyone

* burn outs from constantly having to be the moodmaker of the bunch

* “oh freddie, sadness is not meant to be buried”

James Potter

* gryffindor!

* with a name like james sirius, his temperament cannot be any more obvious

* every bit strong and hot-headed like his dad is

* frequently denies the fact that he thinks the world of his mum’s hugs

* wants to carry on the marauders legacy and become an animagus

* popular with the ladies, though no one really knows why since he’s a dreadful flirt

* spends too much time teasing younger brother albus; one of these days he’s about to get hexed badly

* “so al, have you and scorpius snogged yet”

* will give surprisingly useful advice every other full moon

* a natural at DADA, being someone who trusts their instincts completely

* insists on learning the patronus charm from harry

* also claims happiest memory is that of eating ten pumpkin pasties in one setting

* plays seeker for the gryffindor team; is constantly fueled by his unhealthy obsession with quidditch

* will take any opportunity to snicker at his uncle ron for being a chudley cannons fan

* “even my socks stink less”

* has weird fixation with maintaing a cool image and does not, for the love of merlin, understand what the word discretion means

* “oh...so that was a secret...”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #269

“why aren’t you scared of me, why do you care for me, when we all fall asleep, where do we go?”

What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual. What are you obsessed with right now? lol y'all know my staple stuff I'm always obsessed with, so two recent ones are Skillet (I've been binging soooo hard) and drawing again! What piercings do you want? A lot, jfc. More than any, I want collarbone dermals once I lose enough weight to where they're prominent. I've been on a goddamn weight loss plateau for two years. What’s your favorite show to binge? None. I generally don't enjoy binging too much. Do you watch porn? No, not interested. Do you have a secret sideblog? lol this survey blog. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? No. I very briefly considered getting one pierced, but I won't. Are you angry with anyone right now? Not like... actively. But passively it's there. What tattoos do you want? I refuse to die until I'm P A I N T E D  F O R  T H E  G O D S. Do you like paper books or ebooks better? Absolutely paperback books. It feels more "real," something to dive into, and it's easier to see and understand how far you're in. We talked about this in Writing once, was an interesting convo. Plus the smell of books, aaaaaahhhhh. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? Yes How many followers do you have? On here? *checks* 265. Do you read erotica? No, I'd feel SUPER uncomfortable. That's why 50 Shades has never appealed to me. Have you ever gotten into an accident with you parents’ car? No. Ever thought of just picking up and moving far away? Oh yes. What’s the wallpaper on your computer? My lock screen is the Halo of the Sun from SH, and my actual desktop wallpaper is my favorite closeup of my late pup Teddy. What is the last thing/person you took a picture of? Probably a stupid Facebook meme to show Sara or something lmao. Name a band/artist you like that isn’t that popular. Otep. Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)? I'm sure I could. What is the first vehicle you recall your parents/guardians owning? Mom had a blue/greenish van for most of my childhood, while Dad had this old tan thing that he nicknamed "Frida the Cheetah" lmao. He had that damn car forever. Have you ever seen counterfeit money? Not knowingly. Have you ever lost a pet you were attached to? Well of course. I grew up with tons of pets. What was the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? Probably texting back "fuck you" to Mom when she was being really shitty when I was having a breakdown. Pick one: laundry, dishes, or vacuuming? I'd pick vacuuming over the others any day. Have you ever moved and had to change schools growing up? No. You are forced to move out-of-state. Where do you go? I literally want to move to Canada. The highway and back roads take you to the same place; choose your route. Back roads, probably. You’re going to be a mom/dad; what do you think/do? Have a fucking panic attack. Are you more likely to give up or persist when you’re having trouble? It really depends on the seriousness of the situation, but in most cases I've actually faced, give up. Do you resemble one parent more than the other? I don't think so. Your best friend needs a kidney to survive; do you give them one of yours? If we're compatible, yes. Name a big life event that has taken place for you within the last 2 years. Nothing because my life is incredibly monotonous and stagnant. Name one difficult lesson you’ve learned. Life isn't fair, and life doesn't care. Name one thing you look forward to as you get older. Hey, let's hope I can be a functioning adult before I'm 70. Do you use your hands when you talk to emphasize what you are saying? Yes. Will you usually admit it when you’ve made a mistake? Yeah. Does stress ever affect you physically? If yes, how? Oh, yes. My stomach will absolutely hurt and I sweat more than normal (I say "normal" because I have hyperhidrosis). Did you have a money box as a kid? What shape was it if you did? I don't remember... I know we didn't regularly get an allowance or anything like that, but maybe I'm sure I stored money I was given somewhere? Has kids TV ever frightened you? As a kid, I both watched and feared Courage the Cowardly Dog, lol. Do you have any potted plants in your house? No. If you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born and why? Early '80s! What a time for music, metal fashion, and fun. If you ran a store, what would you sell/have? IF I was more knowledgeable on more species, probably reptiles and more proper care materials and give advice that's not shit. Places like PetSmart and Petco just... disgust me. What part in a movie would you love to play? If I was confident in acting, probably the maniac lmao. I've experienced enough Crazy for that. What's the oldest article of clothing you own? I don't really know, but I do know Mom has a lot of my and my siblings' shirts as we've grown up to knit together a blanket one day. Fuckin cute as hell. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at? Guitar, with that electric twist anyway. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba roars atop Pride Rock in the storm and all the lionesses join in FUCK I get goosebumps out the WAZOO. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Twizzlers, disgoosting. If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be? LGBTQ+ rights is #1, then... hm... probably the pro-choice argument. Or just women rights in general. Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically? Oh man, my friend Mini. She drew pretty well when we were young, but her skill like... increased exponentially with time. She doesn't draw in a *style* I'm envious of, but that growth tho. Most jealous of….intellectually? Girt. What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed? My brain lmao. A famous person you have met? Nobody. Who were the last five people to text you? Dad, Sara, Ashley, Mom, and my grandma. What is your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Think of the last two people you kissed. Who was more fun? I've explained the "idk if *I* ever actually kissed Girt" before, but just for the sake of the question, I'll just count him. I tbh hated it only ever because why were your lips always wet, sir???? The latest person was Sara, and she kissed fine. If your house was burning down and you only had sixty seconds to grab one or two things, what would you grab and why? Roman and Venus because they're family and I adore them. Out of all the concerts you have been to, which band/singer was the best performer? Alice was great! When was the last time you went miniature golfing? For Jason's and my second or third anniversary, so a long time ago. What’s a song you like from a genre you hate? I always answer this question with a country answer, so let's go rap. Hm. OH, probably a Post Malone song. I actually don't mind him. If you had twin girls what would you name them? Alessandra indisputably, and then the other... maybe like, Josephine. Especially as twins, I'd want two gorgeous, less-heard names. What kind of condoms do you use? I don't use any because I'm not sexually active. Do you say years young or years old [ex: 16 years young or 16 years old]? Man, I miss the days I could confidently say "years young," lmao. Do you have any personality disorders? Avoidant, yes. I'm pretty convinced I have dependent PD, too. Do you shave your arms? Armpits, yes, but not my entire arms. What do you dip your fries in? Ketchup or honey mustard. Has one of your good friends ever moved away? Damn, yeah. I particularly remember this girl from elementary school in I think the 5th grade that I was very close with, yet I don't remember her name now. What color car are you when you play The Game of Life? Dude idr the colors at all. Which hair color do you find the ugliest? I've seen it be pulled off, but generally, yellow. Would you date a guy that wears more make-up than you do? Hell yeah man you fuckin strut that shit. Did you ever play M.A.S.H. when you were little? Ah, I remember that! Sure did. If you were getting married, who would be your maid of honor? My mom. If you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? No, but I would of course. Do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? Not any more than the average person. Do you chew gum on a regular basis? No. List all of your features that you have ever got compliments on: Do you mean just physical? If that's the case, hair, eyes, smile, uh... I feel like that's it. WAIT I can't remember who but someone once called my nose cute. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon, and if not, would you ever want to go in one? No; yes. What type of computer do you have? It's an Acer Nitro 5. Is anyone else in the room with you right now? My snake. Do you whiten your teeth with crest white strips? Not Crest, but a different brand, yes. I hate my teeth. Do you listen to local bands? Not really. I will sometimes listen to an old friend's band, at least bits of what they post on Facebook. Nova Mortis, check 'em out if you like pretty heavy metal. Do you have a pool in your back yard? No, but damn do I wish. Do your parents fight? Do they even talk at all? That's why they're divorced. They, especially Mom, avoid doing so whenever they can. Do you drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve? Usually. Do you wear rings? Just one, a friendship ring w/ Sara. Are there any restaurants in walking distance to your house? It'd be quite a long walk, at least by my standards. What was the last picture you uploaded to your Facebook? A picture of Mom and me. Have you ever listened to the same song on repeat for hours on end? YES. When I find a song I really like, I become VERY obsessive. Like I will play it and play it and play it for days. I in general have an extremely obsessive personality. Do you like staying in hotels? I don't have much of an opinion. It's a nice change of space, though. Are musicals interesting or boring? They're cheesy to me. What is your favorite scent of incense? (If you burn it) Okay, HEAR ME OUT. There is legit a kind called "monkey farts" that smells SO FUCKIN GOOD. Jason used to burn incense in his room all the time and that was my favorite one, so I use it now. Where do you normally hang out on the weekends? At home. I'm always at home, regardless of the day. Can you tune a guitar by ear or do you need a tuner? I never could. Do you like love songs? Generally, yes. They're sweet. Would you rather drink 7Up or Sprite? Fun fact: Sprite used to be my FAVORITE soda as a kid. I even had a fuckin Sprite shirt. Now, I hate it. I haven't tasted 7UP in forever. What is your favorite song as of right now? I'm seriously digging Halocene lately, esp their cover of "bury a friend." Have you ever sex texted? This is gonna sound so stupid, but I'm actually not *totally* sure what that is? Just like, dirty talking or like, virtually RPing sex? The former I did when I was fuckin 12 like a goddamn idiot, but not the latter. When's the last time you went out of state? A year and a half (I think?) ago to visit Sara. What was your favorite TV show last year? I didn't *really* have one, at least not actively. Like I didn't devoutly watch anything. Would you know who to talk to if you wanted weed? HAHA I sureeeee do. I wouldn't want any, though. What is your favorite Beatles song? "Hey, Jude." If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be? I don't want to think about this. What is your favorite energy drink? I don't like energy drinks. Way too intense. Have you ever been to Hooters before? No. When's the last time you tripped? (Literally or, you know) HA, funny I take this survey today because my left foot is either broken or I seriously tore a ligament in it because I fell yesterday. I had to go up a dose on my medication that helps my nightmares, but it's notoriously for lowering your blood pressure, and mine is naturally low. I got up to go to the bathroom and grab breakfast and many times nearly passed out from being so dizzy until I finally fell and my foot bent forward. I couldn't even walk by myself yesterday and am still really struggling today. Our family friend brought the boot she wore when she broke her foot over just a while ago, but if this doesn't help, Mom's demanding I go to the ER. Can you touch your toes? I don't know HOW I can, but I can, I guess from when I did yoga daily and I could pretty much go under my feet. What would you say is the best feeling in the world? Being in love and knowing they're in love with you, too. Have you ever “spoken” to any celebrities via Twitter? No. Do you like croissants? YESSSSSSSSSSS. Do you get a lot of traffic outside your house or not? Yes. Mom explained to me why one day because I'd asked, but idr what she said. Do you eat cereal bars? No, I'm a granola bar person. Would you consider yourself healthy? Uh no. Assuming you could speak and understand the language, would you ever study in a foreign, non-English speaking country? Sure, for like a year or so! Doing that in Germany would be amazing. Are you on any prescribed medication? A lot. Do you know any immigrants? I know an illegal one that got deported. I probably know others. Have you ever lived in university or college accommodation before? No. If you haven’t already, are you scared of leaving home? If you have, do you like it? Very scared. I'm just very dependent and ignorant on how to be an adult. If you could only eat one vegetable for a year (not including potatoes) what would it be? Broccoli. Do you have a certain routine in the bath or shower? What is it? Shave, shampoo, facial scrub, this exfoliating brush for your feet, and then body wash. Is there anything that you loved a year ago but just can’t stand now? Hm. I don't really know. What’s the weirdest meat you’ve ever eaten? I took the SMALLEST bite out of it because I couldn't stomach eating it, but after a lot of convincing I tried a microscopic bit out of deer jerky. If you smoke, what brand of cigarettes do you smoke? If you don’t, have you ever tried? Don't smoke and don't want to. Do you like dried fruit at all? what’s your favorite type? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.