#hell am I even a decent one?
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Me trying to read fanfic while my parents help the old man who passed out across the street:
(Also the images aren’t actually visible unless you click on them apparently sorry)
#i think there’s something wrong with me#fanfic#fanfiction#ao3#am I a good person?#hell am I even a decent one?#oh well at least my Bruce Wayne x Clark Kent fic will always be here to comfort me
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Thank you for making me cry repeatedly. My sorrow is greatly appreciated. Could we maybe get a comic of the actual camping/hunting trip where dev got shot?
Bits of it are inevitably going to be shown in comics but since I decided to write the camping trip as a fic Im probably not going to dedicate a comic to the trip itself.
#Since that part of the story is already out there it would be hard to find the motivation to recreate the whole thing in a different format#fop nature au#I am considering an animatic actually. I gotta find a good song for it first tho#Honestly why is it so difficult for me to find a song for this au#how did I find a good Irep song first (The Pitiful Children from Be More Chill) this is insane#Hell I even have a decent one for Wolf (Plastic by Cheekface)#No Children would be an iconic choice but I dont think it fits the au enough to justify it#Father by The Front Bottoms was also a consideration and while I think the first part captures his anger really well I dont think its enoug#to justify a whole animatic for it#suggestions would be appreciated
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dead by daylight-- the game where you can play as steve harrington from stranger things, and can get sent to partake in a match of murder hide and seek at midwich elementary from silent hill, where you can then use a lute to perform bardic inspiration from dungeons and dragons to give a bonus to your teammates, except for the one who is being chased by nemesis from resident evil 3.
#dbd#thoughts about media#yes steve's jacket is bugged. it's done this before but I didn't think it'd do it again.#better than whatever the hell bug aestri has rn with her face.#girl looked like the fucking unknown.#anyway I was lagging WAY. WAY too hard to try another match for a better picture with a different skin.#I just remembered I unlocked bardic inspiration on that day my internet actually cooperated and I HAD to see steve play the lute.#it's so cute. the survivors all smile when they play. T___T I have to see gabe. claude. and nancy do this.#but I'll wait until my internet isn't getting me randomly downed by zombies.#I'm pretty sure my lag got elodie killed too so I feel kind of bad but it is also sort of funny that I wasn't even playing-#-killer and still managed to get a survivor killed.#not that I haven't done that befoooore.... or that I haven't done it deliberately in the past...#I will never forget you RPD ghostface who showed me he had the matching “I'd kill for you” heart charm to my “hooked on you” one.#and then killed a david for me when I asked him as a joke LOL. we watched his body ascend in the entity's spidery limbs together.#it was a beautifully romantic moment <3#generally speaking I am a decent survivor who will die so you can get out. like a good steve player should be.#However. if the evil man that I find sexy is nice to me? I'm so so sooo sorry for what you're going to endure if he only wants to spare me.
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this is really stretching the 'shitty' in the blog title but fuck it the 'daily' is already a lie
keychain design :thumbsup:
#aka i finally finished colouring the lines ive had as my pinned after. far too long#i mean. maybe finished#not super happy with how i executed the speech bubbles so might fuck with those later#and theres still the b side to do with hal but#fuck it this isnt shitty hal daily#also i feel like i should actually prove that i. can draw? decently? because wow i have been feeling Kinda Shit about how low effort this#blog has become#is that stupid when the first word in the name is literally 'shitty'? yeah#does that stop me from comparing it to other really good blogs like insufferableprick and the fuckin uhhh calliope one cant remember her#handle?#and hell even the other badlydrawn blogs#lmao no#eh whatever its like 1 am#that probably has something to do with it#fuck it we ball#ooc post#homestuck#davesprite#actual art
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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thinkbing about. him
#random thoughts#fnaf#rotating him in my mind like an orb or perhapps a microwavable tv dinner#love the idea of a character who for some reason has him in their house and does regular maintenance on him#someone who worked for fazbear fright and fucking. stole him#au where the place wasn't burned down and actually opened and some kid started working there and fucking took his ass#springtrap in my head is like. mostly an animal. running on instinct and ancient programming. only rarely lucid#the kid who took him oh my god. what if someone who was the sibling of one of the five missing kids stole him#and like. they know he's the man behind the slaughter and can remember him from when he was alive#and they take him and keep him running as like a form of torture. because fazbear fright was gonna be shut down and the animatronic#was gonna be destroyed or smth and they were like 'no you son of a bitch not yet'#and they can sometimes see the ghosts of the children and employees who died and henry. but like they're not done#they cant let go. not yet.#cant let him go to the beyond because that would be too merciful for a son of a bitch like him#but springtrap cant really understand whats happening and mostly just sees Some Guy keeping him running so most of his feelings#are positive#when he's semi lucid he tries to kill them#when he recognizes them from before he kind of shuts down#the range is 'friend!!!' to 'i am going to fucking murder you' to 'how did you do in pe today'#like this guy mostly isn't william afton. idk who he is but he isn't him most of the time#i imagine the springtrap suit is a unique model so its hard to get replacement parts for him so most of him is custom at this point#idk what they do with the bones. probably leave them alone for the most part out of fear of him passing on if they got rid of them#he smells like dirt and mildew and restroom deoderizer probably#i imagine their thoughts on him are 'i recognize this mostly isnt the man who killed my sibling so i dont want him to suffer'#'but also i cant handle the idea of even a little of the man who killed my sibling being able to stop suffering'#like this is william's idea of hell. complete depersonalization#they make his stay tolerable. decent maintenance. idk what kind of enrichment he needs#being kept in a basement away from regular social interaction is probably hell for any children's animatronic#so he loves when they come down for maintenance. probably rarely at first and then more frequently as they adjust themself to his presence#idk how he feels about maintenance. probably very used to the feeling of having a dude inside of him lmaooo
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ya know, even if I'm not strong enough to win a fight, I'm not exactly gonna lose. like you're gonna start to feel bad about beating me up bc I'm gonna keep getting up until you're like "what the fuck is wrong with you, do you LIKE this?"
#kinda yeah#hell o hadal#but i have never been in a real fight before bc im juat not the kind of person that people wanna fight#i am also the kind of person who people will fight for before i even have to say anything. idk my one decent trait is im likeable and
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well i am officially employed again. 40+ hour work week here we come 🙃
#looking forward to like. a paycheck and decent insurance and stuff#not looking forward to being even more exhausted than i already am#i already have been in a creative and motivational slump for ages#this won't help :/#i dont mean to complain about something everyone deals with and im glad i was able to get employment#i just will never get over how we are required to spend most of our waking hours in our one single life working just to survive#in a world with enough money and resources for everyone if the ppl in power didnt purposely make everything hell
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genuinely such a great feeling when a project just works out like this....
#twist rambles#like i feel SO well equipped to handle this?? and the head is PERFECTLY in scale for the body and should match pretty decent and all the#neck mods ive done should ALSO be ok. like for me its really nice bc looking at this head initially i was like. no fucking way am i gonna b#able to do ANYTHING for her. i cant fix this and so i shouldnt even consider it. but now im like ok. i think this is gonna work out perfect#even if some parts. well are gonna be scary... im dreading doing the eyes lol. but future me's issue lol. but idk. its just been rly cool o#like. i rly looked up to other ppl in this hobby that were able to fix up REALLY damaged dolls like this. like one person ive talked to a#bit on the resin side of it all is so so sklled at repair and has so much knowledge. and idk its cool to take on a project like this and#know im well equipped for it. knowledge wise. like its... idk definitely the worst shape doll ive gotten since i got into this in 2018. so#im excited :) and i havent worked w vinyl dolls for a while so... idk im excited to get this doll... and hopefully it wont be TOO bad lmao#^currently in research hell but. idk im excited#bjd posting#<- again so bad at remembering to tag this bc i go turbo autism mode in the tags. sadly lol
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everyday I join lethal company lobby to Just Vibe and am sent Multiple Friend Request
#help#SORRY im good at video games and fun to hang out with its a CURSE not a blessing#sea of thieves was the same too man every lobby falls in love with me and i just want to play with strangers for a bit#why the instant commitment geez dinner and a movie first#and HALF the time its like bruh you called lootbugs gay no more than 20 minutes ago and you try to friend my fag ass you YOU FUCKING YOUUUU#and the other half theyre just. not my style? had more great times with randos online than i could count but not once met someone who like#i would think about continuing to hang with?#kind of a shame given this is my main recreation? feels like id have made at least one lasting buddy out of the hundreds i played like#3 hours of sea of thieves with one time or something#now to circle back this could Perhaps be due to me not accepting friend requests#but i will circumvent this issue by means of not confronting it#anyway it's fun playing with randos. hoppin in a lobby of strangers is like a jack-in-the-box of the human experience#lots of austrailians on at my 3 am makes for great convos. i sure as hell aint meeting any out in this fuckin city#or anyone else in funky distant timezones#this place is a white suburban hell and this is nearly my only decent recreation and cultural exposure pls#IM NOT EVEN THAT COOL everytime it happens i think of the hercules hades “He's a GUY' line like cmon
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going fucking insane over one of my wips because it's for a really small subgroup of a really small fandom of a really small fandom of a really big fandom that everyone fucking hates because people are cancelled like every other week and basically i cant talk about it with anyone without needing to explain like 60 pages worth of story that I wrote PLUS no one wants to talk about me because it's one of the cringiest ships in existence that sounds HORRENDOUSLY heteronormative on paper and like half the fandom calls them siblings even though they have been confirmed multiple times not to be and the other half is like oh the girl would never be in love with the guy because she's in love with the player!! as if being in love with her ideal of the player is healthy for her all and can't change or she can't fall out of love with someone whose interactions were limited to basically just looking at her, clicking through her text and DELETING HER
yeah so is about monipai as in monika from ddlc and senpai from friday fucking night funkin (i know. im sorry) im so down horrendous im on like seventeen doses of copium and counting and there's 11 total monipai works on ao3
one of them is mine and the other ones are either written by a 10 year old (because it's fucking fnf, what sane adult would write unironic fnf fanfiction) or unfinished (because fnf fics get no traction and unless you're fucking insane like me and have 60 pages of pure brainrot there is NOTHING keeping you going for such a nonexistent audience) and oh my god why am i here
the other fandoms ive been in recently are vashwood and shizaya and those are great!! those are normal!! vashwood has been getting boatloads of content that i cant stop looking at/reading and im getting fun ideas for aus and there's so many people in the community rn to interact with
and shizaya is a bit of struggle because the fandom is smaller but there's so much older content to go through/reread that it's fine and my posts about them get some traction and in some places you can actually talk to people who have been in the fandom from the beginning of time and overall it's a good fun time
AND THEN THERE'S MONIPAI. the ONE straight (bi4bi according to me and im always right) ship in fnf that no one likes because they're "sibling coded" for some god forsaken reason (and im usually all for sibling headcanons/prefer them over romantic ones but NOT THIS ONE SENPAI LITERALLY CONFESSED HIS LOVE FOR HER IN THE MOD) and it'll only make sense to people who like DDTO enough to not forget about it after playing like 19832529 other mods and even THEN like half of them ship it in the really cringe heteronormative way that dudebros ship them like GOD FUCKING HELL GET ME OUT OF HERE
ive never been madder about anything ive shipped ever. i LOVE getting comments on my fic and im surprised ive gotten any at all but holy shit
you know that one person who made like 3000 fics for their honeyworks throuple. honey i feel you cuz what the fuck is this
and with my usual ships i can send them to my friends who know what to expect and be like ok so these are the gayasses you're obsessed with this week but with this one. like the very premise is so ridiculous id be laughed out of their dms but this is literally like the most in-depth and serious ive gotten about any of my fanfiction plots ever (there's like themes and callbacks and motifs and everything, thats how you know it's bad). this is probably better written than my book drafts and it makes me SO MAD
ive even considered like. what if i just made them my ocs, since i've developed them so much and the plot is entirely my own creation. that might even be easier but the fic is so heavily based off of canon content that it just wouldntd make SENSE how am i supposed to rewrite all that canon lore when i take them out of it. i cant. im stuck tying them to ddtoverse
back to what i was originally talking about: basically i got this really nice comment on ao3 on my monipai fic and i was smiling really hard and spinning in my chair and i was inspired to try and write again so i update my. oh it's 71 pages. 71 page document to try and update chapter 3 and i end up going to my other ideas and workshopping them and suddenly ive penned down ideas for 4 DIFFERENT CLIMAXES?????????? AND THEY ALL HAVE THEIR PROS AND CONS AND THEY ALL BASICALLY LEAD TO THE SAME ENDNIG AND I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE AND I CANT ASK ANYONE BECAUSE IF THEY'RE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO READ IT I WANT THEM TO READ THE FIC AS IT'S BEING UPDATED BUT NO ONE'S INTERESTED ANYWAY
and trying to ask about which one i should choose while removing all incriminating details (read: monika and senpai's names) is so hard because there's SO much i have to explain as backstory and no one even responds to it anyway so there's no point :sob:
anyway i love monipai and specifically my version of monipai and it's legitmately ruining my life how's your day going
#soro rants#soro rambles#long post#cannot emphasize how much you probably dont want to read this post LMFAO this is literally a mental breakdown#i dont even fucking know dude i CANT TALK ABOUT THEM WITH ANYONE#the only other ship i have that comes close to this level of obscurity is n and colress from pokemon#which might be worse tbf because of the age gap that 10 year old me did not comprehend (i thought they were both 20-ish)#(they are not both ~20ish.) so there's like an actual moral reason to not ship them.#but like. there's only so much i can write about that and ive already published most of it. my brainrot isn't this bad for them#tachigin is also obscure but like. there's a discord server for it with like 7 people and a decently sized ao3 collection#why am i only into straight ships that no one ships wtf#why couldnt i have fixated on like. bf x gf thatd be so much fucking easier cuz literally every mod has them#but noOOO it has to be the fucking obscure ones that even the most heteronormative of dudebros are like 'why would you even consider that'#hell even tabi/agoti has more of a following than this like dawg#ddlc#fnf#monipai#ddlc monika#fnf senpai#btw if that person who commented today reads this: hi i love you#god i try to never rant like this because it's unprofessional and i never read anyone else's rants but like im LOSING IT#i usually keep it in the tags which is really easy to skip over or just dont say it at all guhhh#people who write nothing but rarepairs/oc stuff i have NOTHING but respect for you i snap like a twig at the lack of an audience#please teach me your ways how do you cope. maybe ill start brainstorming with chatgpt#not feeding it prompts to write fanfiction with of course because only whores do that
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#I’m really sick of seizures I’ve decided#like so sick of them#I’m so weak after and literally flopping against the floor to move to where I need to and it’s just#I’m sick of it#it’s exhausting and scary and I scream and wail during it which makes me feel even more awful after#I can’t work and I need to make more art to get progress with comms but I worry my art isn’t good enough and the tremor these things leave#me with doesn’t help#like will I ever be able to do decent enough art?#it’s mainly my diabetes but I know I have GI and neuro shit happening#alongside mental health in the garbage and the disabilities there#oh and my sight that’s bad and actively getting worse which makes reading painful#esp at night I get these horrid headaches#and I’m left wondering what I’m even meant to do#hell my mother is sick and I’m supposed to be watching her but she’s the one who wrestled me last night to get some sugar on my gums as I#screamed and thrashed#now I’m achy but she’s achier#we don’t even get along which makes it worse to me#how am I gonna grow if my health keeps getting in the way#I need to save up money to move after I’m done caring for her and I plan to move to Canada bc diabetic supplies here are insane#but can I even manage that if I can’t function for shit#I’m sick of being sick
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Thinking abt my nuggets again. Explodes them.
#rat rambles#oc posting#in particular Im thinking abt my girl ding shes my best friend#I actually have been thinking abt giving her a funky design if I do eventually draw her but I am facing one key issue#she has like. no ego gifts.#which is sad! I wanna play around with ego gifts more! most of my main guys have boring gifts!#I could just pick her out some but that feels like cheating I wanna work with what I get y'know?#but I dont have her working on anything so she'll probably never get any naturally#so alternatively I could do some like. number generator scenanigans to chose like 3 random gifts to give her#that way I dont get to chose and am forced to work with what I get#which Ill probably do but Ill have to blacklist a few gifts (mainly the eye covering ones since thats an important part of her design)#I might also do this with some of my other gift lacking guys that might help rhem gain some favor with me#Im quite attached to most of my older nuggets but theres only like 3 or 4 of my newer ones Ive been able to click with#and by newer I mean from like the middle of my second runthrough (Im currently on first day reset number 4)#so thats not a good sign for any of them#well tbf a decent chunk of the newest ones are from the last run through so those guys genuinely are quite new#anyways maybe giving them somw gifts will give me more inspiration to actually think of stuff for them#the siblings are the only ones that I have any attachment to right now of the last two batches and ema is lucky to be one I like#and my girl ding earned her position in this corporation so Im obligated to adore her#for context she was one of various nuggets I made to sacrifice to grind out tool abnormality info#but she somehow managed to survive one that I fully expected her to die to so she gets to stay#one of the other ones also got to stay but thats just because I had enough info for we can change anything already#and by stay I mean sit in storage for the rest of time because I think it's funny#he was my guy for whatever the hell the weapon upgrading one is called#for the non leathal ones I just had most of them finish the research and then go to we can cange everything#but he lucked out and got to live#the others didnt tho so rip to them#at least my tool grind is officially complete and I dont have to worry abt it anymore#I also am in general really close to being done with my abno info hunt#I even defeated apocalypse bird a lil while ago so I basically only have white knight to worry abt now
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#$30 for 4 cans of green beans 2 of chili beans a 4ct pack of apple sauce cups a sleeve of paper bowls and one beer#literally is it even worth buying groceries at this point premade shit from 7/11 is hardly any cheaper#granted this is mostly bc i don't have refrigeration or a hot element besides small water kettle there would def be cheaper options#if i could actually store perishables and cook anything besides instant just-add-water stuff lmao but still for fucks sakeeee#thank god i should finally be getting a mini fridge in a week or two after the better part of a year of this hell lmao#i will never take modern conveniences as for granted again#and also thank god i have orientation for a new decently paying job tomorrow i am being tired of scrounging up my laundry quarters for food
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Disclaimer: I like Anita Sarkeesian.
But also, I just saw a writeup of a Youtuber whose content has come a long way from his Gamergate days, and to explain that, the wiki says, "Anita Sarkeesian is a radical feminist who created a webseries about sexist tropes in video games"
AHAHAHAHAHA ANITA SARKEESIAN, RADICAL FEMINIST
HOO HEE EXCUSE ME THAT'S A GOOD ONE
Radical feminist. Feminist extremist. Anita Sarkeesian.
Anita Sarkeesian did her Master's Thesis in Social and Political Thought in 2010 on the trope of the "Strong Woman" in fantasy and science fiction TV shows, and produced Tropes vs Women, a series of online videos breaking down her work in a way that was accessible to a lay audience. She found a ready audience in geek feminist circles, since this was exactly the kind of thing we wanted and needed right then.
Tropes vs Women was extremely bog-standard cultural critique, what you'd find expressed in discussion between scholars of literary theory or media analysis anywhere, and exactly what 99% of feminists were saying at the time. It certainly talked about patriarchy as the complex system of sexism fused into our cultural matrix, so it's not like it wasn't radical feminism from that viewpoint, but it wasn't "radical" by way of being especially militant. Sarkeesian frequently pointed out how individual occurrences of a trope weren't harmful in themselves, but that a media landscape completely saturated with only that trope and nothing but that trope is, in the aggregate, a big feminist issue.
And the internet
HAAAAAAAATED
her for it.
Like, geek feminists got flak a lot anyway, especially when we wanted things like properly enforced policies against sexual harassment at science fiction conventions. And yeah, there totally were toxic keyboard warriors who said stuff about all men being scum - but Sarkeesian wasn't one of them.
It's probably because of her succinct, matter-of-fact, "this is not a debated issue, feminists have decades of theory and research to back this point up, sources abound if you google for thirty seconds so I won't stop to baby you through all the fundamental concepts" approach that she got such a big reach. She was calm, concise, coherent, and rational, everything feminists are told we need to be.
Unfortunately that just made her seem... attackable, I think. A good target, not actually scary or impassioned, unlikely to respond to violence with violence. The perfect kind of person to play five seconds of, and then spend the next five minutes yelling into your mic because IF ANITA IS RIGHT ABOUT VIDEO GAME SEXIST YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY THAT EVERYTHING IS SEXIST AND SEXISM IS SYSTEMIC AND ENDEMIC TO ALL OF WESTERN CULTURE AND OTHER CULTURES TOO, WHICH IS CLEARLY RIDICULOUS, ANITA LADY BAD.
She literally spent five solid years as Enemy #1 in online geek spaces. It was completely insane. I am so sorry she had to take the brunt of it, and yet grateful that she did. She held the line and took the shit and kept doing good decent feminist work for years after, though she did admit to burnout and closed up shop on her nonprofit org Feminist Frequency in 2023. I hope to hell she's having a good day.
But even now, more than a decade later, dudes talk about her as though she were Geek Feminist Godzilla, the biggest baddest woman in the universe, off to lay waste to downtown Video Games and cut everybody's balls off.
When people (mostly dudes, but not all) talk like this, it's just very funny and unintentionally revealing because of the absolute averageness of her third-wave, trans-inclusive, western-centric, intersectional feminism. It makes them look absolutely pathetic.
Because it just makes it clear that she is probably the first and last self-described feminist the speaker has ever paid attention to.
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#Being in vet med is so damn bleak all the time because whenever you get hope there's always some drawback that basically nullifies it.#looking for a clinical pg with rank 183 in the country but whoops can't go to your own state#and other states universities will put you in a college in buttfuck nowhere rather than their best ones#like...I am so fucking tired. Every time I try to fight my depression something comes back and reinforces it harder.#it's things like this that make me want to leave the field and do something less heavy even if the hours are longer#whenever. WHENEVER I talk to a vet it's just bleak. Everything sucks everywhere. It's a matter of choosing your hell.#EVEN THE HAPPIER VETS#And there's no promise that if I try to go abroad I won't get crippling depression there too.#like. why do I try? why didn't I choose to go to NISER when I had the chance?#Why didn't I pick a job where I can just sit at a computer all day and not have to talk to anyone#how much do airport ground staff earn? maybe I could be a tug driver. Maybe I could have done some degree to become a flight mechanic.#why didn't I know when I finished school that my mental health is fragile as fuck and I need a job that doesn't make it this much worse#I'll run a photostat shop. I'll learn to fix laptops. Anything.#People raise families with that kind of income. Surely I can look after myself with it.#Why is everything bleak all over the world all the time in veterinary medicine? why is there no silver lining anywhere?#I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being decent at my job but not being able to handle the reality of how stressful it is.#I'll do any manual labour job day in and day out six and a half days a week for my whole life but this is just killing me#rant#I'm unrealistic and ungrateful and addicted to quick dopamine#but god I wish I wasn't suffering from depression of varying degrees since 2015.#vent#personal
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