#heartbreak is so personal to me. i cant talk about it too much with the people i love because its something for me only.

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

[girlcrushau]

[vaugarde]

well i finished renegade. i sure was renegading all over the place

[lilacponds]

the wanting your friends to not worry about you while you clutch your chest and cry at random intervals while knowing you've been through this before and you will again and it's always been and always will be worth it while being unable to eat or sleep much while reassuring your friends youre fine while

-

i want to be able to be in pain and grieve and be sad. but i dont want my friends to be sad for me. i dont want to be asked how im doing

im in pain but i mean it when i say it will pass and i know it, not in the 'im keeping hope and positivity' kind of way but in the 'its an unescapable cycle of my life that im happy to go through'

of course im not happy about what happened, or that im in pain, but i would do it again in a heartbeat if i could go back in time. love is worth it

its like...

this is a personal type of pain. i hold it precious in my palms. its not for sharing, its my treasure and mine alone.

this is not just about pain. its about the happiness it follows. its about the love overflowing. its about the wonder hidden in the corners. its about realization and sacrifice and all the little things that no one can really get because they havent lived through my specific experiences.

its precious, to me. to keep near my now-aching-soon-nostalgic heart. to hang on the walls inside of it.

spending time with loved ones helps soothe, of course. i'm not shying away from that. but my stinging and my healing are mine to cherish.

[pickingupmymercedes]

"dont ask me that" from yours and "i dont even know if any of that was real" from my own. one where lewis overheard a conversation between reader n her brother/family after his breakup with her. in which the breakup broke and changed her so much shes become a different person who just doesnt believe shes worthy for love anymore. and it hurts her so much that she cant even believe that any of her happy moments with lewis was real, maybe it was just a game for him. angst and pleasee sfw

Asshole Lewis incoming. He does try to make things a bit better in the end though.

Also, this is only the second time I write from his perspective, and it's hard ngl.

"dont ask me that" and "i dont even know if any of that was real"

The cacophony of the paddock was a familiar background noise as Lewis weaved through the throng of team personnel and sponsors; a practiced smile plastered on his face. Yet, the usual thrill of pre-race anticipation was muted. All he craved was solitude, anywhere he could escape the prying eyes of the media.

He ducked into a secluded corner; a sliver of shade offered by a towering hospitality suite. Quietness for a few seconds, only to be instantly replaced by a gut-punch of surprise. Y/n. She was just on the other side of the wall of tires, face illuminated by the glow of her phone, a serious expression etched on her features.

He should've known retreating wouldn't guarantee escape. And the sight of her, so unexpected, made him suddenly regret his decision and long for the fans and media.

But he couldn't help eavesdropping. It wasn't intentional, not at first. Her voice was laced with a vulnerability he had only witnessed once before. The other voice on the conversation was her brother, he gathered, and his tone was laced with concern.

“You sound exhausted, Y/n,” the man's voice cutting deep into the silence. “Seriously, you need to take a break. The team won’t crumble without you”

Y/n sighed, the sound so different from the girl he remembered. “I’m fine, busy season. That’s all.”

“Is it just the work, or…” He trailed off, the question hanging heavy.

“Don't ask me that,” Y/n cut him off, her voice cracking slightly, and Lewis winced. That wasn't the Y/n he knew. The bubbly, optimistic girl who'd lit up a room with her smile.

Lewis felt a pang of guilt. He knew exactly who she was trying to avoid mentioning. The one who'd left without a real goodbye, the one who'd taken a piece of her with him.

“You know I can't help you if you don't talk about it,” her brother continued gently.

“There’s nothing to talk about” Y/n said, a hint of defiance creeping in. “It’s over. And honestly, maybe I’m glad it is. I don't even know if any of that was real for him.” The anger in her voice barely masked the underlying hurt.

The air grew thick, suffocating. His blood turned to ice. The weight of his actions, the cowardly way he'd ended things before they could get too serious, slammed into him. He'd been the one afraid. Afraid to let himself care, afraid to risk another heartbreak. He'd ended things abruptly, afraid of getting too attached, afraid of the very thing Y/n was now questioning – how real their connection had been.

“Focus on your career, then,” her brother said. “It’s the one thing that won't let you down.”

“Yeah,” Y/n agreed, her voice distant. “At least I can trust that.”

A few days later, a bouquet of lilies arrived at Y/n's desk. Nestled amidst the pristine white blooms was a small card. The note was short, filled with a remorse he couldn't express in words:

"Y/n,

Those moments were real, to me. I never meant to led you on but I was too afraid to admit I was letting myself get too close. I hope you find someone who’s unapologetic about his feelings. You deserve the world.

Lewis."

______________________________________________________________

TAGLIST - @saturnssunflower @xoscar03 @chocolatediplomatdreamerzonk @happy-golden-hour @vicurious28

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If you’d like to be added to my taglist you can leave a comment or send me a dm/ask.

[serejae]

WE CANT BE FRIENDS | 17. YOU CLING TO YOUR PAPERS AND PENS, WAIT UNTIL YOU LIKE ME AGAIN

(written)

prev | next

paring : myung jae x fem!reader | wc: 700 ish | warnings : none (this chapter is bootycheeks next one is better trust!!!) | genre : fluff and angst @onedoornet

mstl

taglist @lilriswife4life @cherrytaesan @tubatu-lovie @woonsbot @guiltysungho @taylorluvation @kage-yaa @lionhanie @dearly-somber @nicholasluvbot @nujeskz @unhakki @lblossom21 @crispy-kirby @seunghancore @nctrawberries @i03jae @icewons @miidorei @hanbinniesmango @helpsplease @dongminz

its been 55 minutes since jaehyun was supposed to be here. orginally your solo shot was suppose to be shot today, but woonhak texted the group chats changing the plans. sure jaehyun couldve not seen the text but you doubted it, maybe he was embarrassed but you had a sense of deja vu.

you heard woonhak sigh making you look up. “we can just film your solo shot today” you nod and follow him as he walks out his door. as you follow him to the park he starts recording you.

“we have L/N Y/N here and in this segment you’ll be asked questions that you WILL answer without jaehyun around” he started “will?” you laughed at his phrasing “long story…anyways!”

“what are your opinions on myung jaehyun?”

you keep walking looking at the ground and something just blew up in you. “he hasnt changed like at all. cause for the viewers, jaehyun and i were suppose to be filming together again but he didn’t show up and this is what he always did! especially for dates, i’ll wait for hours alone just for him to be in his studio so i’m really not suprised that he isnt here. i swear his office saw him more than i did in our almosy 2 years of dating. its irresponsible no? just to ditch everything for your career and don’t get me wrong im all in for it but its just…” you paused, why were you so bothered? “next question please woonhak.”

“i thought you both ended on good terms?”

“pfft thats what you both tell everyone when you first end things but deep down there…well like you said before lingering feelings that you just cant express because it already ended and now since everyone thinks you both ended things well you start overthinking, ‘hm i shouldnt feel this way we ended things well’ , ‘theres no point on being stuck on him now because we’re friends’ but you both know damn well you ended things ‘on good terms’ because you both swept the conversation you needed to have about the breakup under the carpet due to the fact you and them are pussies who cant handle confrontation.”

“so what if the mess under the rug is too much to the point you cant sweep anymore?”

“um, well…

either you both stand on the elevated rug thats floating at this point ontop of both your guys mess and never talk to each other again because if you do, inevitably the conversation you tried to avoid will be brought up.

or you…

fix it?”

“do you think ending things on good terms is better than ending it on bad terms?”

“no. if you end on bad terms you have nothing to talk about, because youre too focused on hating each other, but good terms each time youre around that person your mind cant help but go ‘what if?’ and soon they start to fill up your mind the same way they did when you were crushing on them then the cycle repeats of you falling in love again but then again you cant do anything because you already broke up and once they move on you have a resentment or a heartbreak feeling towards them.

the same way it does when you both end on bad terms.”

“do you…” woonhak paused and noticed your neck area. “ive always seen the chain around your neck but i never seen the charm on the necklace before” he said examining the necklack, the charm was a heart pendant with mj+(l/n initial + f/n initial) on it with the date you both started dating under. shit, you forgot the tuck it into your shirt.

quickly you tuck it into your shirt and clear your throat

“do you ever have any ‘what if’s with jaehyun, and…theres no need to lie now” woonhak laughed

you smiled and bit and continued “uhm, i wonder where him and i would be if he didnt end things. like would we be together still? if yes is the love still pure, or what we would be together right now but if we still ended things i wonder if it wouldve been on bad terms.”

“do you think of him often?”

“yeah.” no. what?

yeah?

as in yes?

you turn to look at woonhak and he looks at you with wide eyes.

“oh look a music store!! woonhak i completely forgot i told a friend id meet them there, we can end this now!” you rushed out

“NO YN! I CAN COME INSIDE AND FILM-“

“BYE!”

you run inside of the music store and pant hiding behind a shelf. when you look up and see a pair of familiar eyes. you groan silently and rested your head against the shelf, its like he’s been spawning everywhere lately and its not for the better. you look up again and see he’s staring at your neck, looking down you realize the necklace that you tucked away somehow escaped and is now staring at jaehyun. you look back up with your cheeks hot and realized hes gone

[userslayer]

Hi! Can you recommend me your favourite spuffy fics? Any genre is welcome I desperately need the void after finishing bingewatching Buffy 😭. Thank u xx

hi! thank you so much for giving me an excuse to share my favorite spuffy works! if you read any of these, please come back and lets talk about it! okay here's the list:

these are all completed on ao3, most of them contain smut, most are oneshots, no deaths/cheating/nothing too dark, some toxic typical s6 stuff but they all have happy endings or hopeful open endings cause i cant stand them being sad!

do you wanna break bread with me?

this is fun, dawn comes out as bi to spike which spirals into everyone realizing they are queer, its pretty touching and domestic.

High Stakes

sexy fun poker smut, no plot, just vibes

Service the Girl

s6 smut but with complicated feelings

(Unintended) You Could Be

there's something about spuffy and roadtrips that hits so right plus parenting dawn, s5 set

i could've been your girl (we've all been here before)

post s7 buffy running into drusilla, starting a relationship and then spike joins them (i might be the only person ever into this pairing)

What Remains

again spuffy roadtrip, sad one cause s5 but they lost the battle and everything, but still have each other

honey and milk are under thy tongue

smut but with complicated s6 feelings plus spike reading poetry

nothing safe is worth the drive (follow you home)

i highly recommend EVERYTHING by this author, my favorite spuffy writer ever. this one is a s5 roadtrip escaping glory and its domestic, funny, sad, sexy and hopeful, felt like watching an episode (i seriously love this one but plz check them all out)

i will follow you into the dark

this one is by the same author but it deserves its own mention. its heartbreaking but healing at the same time, just the most beautiful spuffy work ever

Let's Get Lost

OH THIS ONE, s2 buffy runs away but runs into spike who has a little problem. its so so in character, captured so well both characters and their dynamic where they are all each other have and absolutely hate that

The Choice

s6 dynamic, spike starts seeing a buffy that loves him, its a choice whether he'd rather have that or the real buffy, its pretty sad but u know, they always find each other

Centering

spuffy roadtrip! s5 set, he comforts her through mourning and feeling helpless

What it is to Burn

post everything, long distance relationship that buffy can't stand anymore

What She Deserves

another roadtrip fic, i know so surprising. buffy heals by herself, runs into a spike that felt like she did in 6, she's the one helping him now with an actual healthier dynamic where they both heal

[emmitaaa4]

Hey so i just think its funny how every elriel i've talked to has said they'd read elain's story no matter what: we're pretty fking sure she'll end up with shadow man, but if sjm decides to give her fire man instead we'll indulge it and see if she can convince us.

The funny part is that in all my years I've literally almost never seen people on the other side reciprocate that sentiment. People feel very strongly against elriel, and theres nothing wrong with that! but it makes you think.

musings below the cut

For gwynriels primarly invested in Gwyn's story--makes sense. I get it. I personally wouldnt jump on a gwynriel book should it ever exist: in fact if the next book isn't elain's im abandoning the series.

not bc i dont care about Az, but bc: A) i wouldnt care about him if it turns out he is a flaky guy who thinks of elain as a sexual object he is entitled to, B) a gwynriel book being next completely disregards the narrative importance of elain's choice & story which makes it C) extremely poor writing in an already mediocre series. oh and D) gwynriel's "storyline" (where) is so boring to me.

For gwynriels primarly invested in Az's story...perso i dont see why they wouldn't give it a shot, but fine.

Eluciens? Most of them seem to believe that the only way we'd ever get lucien's story is through elain, that elriel implies an eternity of heartbreak for him, and that sjm loves him too much to not let him have his mate... again, perfectly fine.

(but then they call fellow lucien enjoyers like myself stupid for thinking he is too important not to have a PoV and would have his story told in his own book. sigh.) also sidenote but WHO knew yrene would have a book until it happened, huh? and now u have vassa given more narrative importance than any side character AND connected to every retelling sjm wants to write... but no we dont know her enough for her to have a PoV. the irony.

In this equation I'm just wondering... Where are all the folks primarily invested in Elain's story?

whereee?? i know you exist but theres so few of you.

where.

im aware im making generalizations. they're based in my years quietly observing the fandom on all sides and withstanding a shit ton of "elriel is a lesser love cause mates mean everything" and "baby lulu deserves his HEA that can only come with elain" and "eplain has to be evil she cant be with Az shes too weak & boring".

[qoldenskies]

omg ok i gotta ask what it wouldve been like if the curse was centered around hurting one of the other bros and not donnie? 🥺 like esp with leo i wanna knowwwww

THIS IS AN INTERESTING ASK..... donnie's situation is really unique to what he's been through considering kitsune's status but i will ignore that for the sake of this thought experiment because i already got THOUGHTS......

i think one of the first things to ask would be "how would donnie act if HE were cursed?" because it melds itself to each person individually, and honestly i think one of the first things would be to ask if leo is also still cursed here too (he'd probably be a lot different if leo were at the center, im not sure how though) because he would have quickly backed leo up in a really similar way to mikey. donnie is Terrible at manipulating and lying, but he can still do a lot of subtle damage considering his skills, so i feel like he would've done some nasty shit like turning off the heating in their room or something, and especially with leo coaxing him along and giving him suggestions it wouldve been horrible!!

and personally i feel like, if it were mikey, he would have found out the SECOND the behavior got worse. he trusts his brothers to be kind to him unconditionally and he's always been the baby of the family, but he's also arguably the most self-assured there. they try to pull the shit they did with donnie and he goes "who do you think youre talking to, you cant TREAT ME LIKE THAT" and when they continue to act terrible, he'd go "no, something is WRONG, they'd never do this to me" and go to april or draxum, maybe both. mikey doesn't feel like the kind of person who would fall for thinking he deserves it, because mikey genuinely believes he's a GOOD person! being forced to hurt someone like that is actually worse for him than if he'd been the one hurt. and i also think a big reason he'd figure it so fast is because it's harder to lean into it subtly, mikey's treatment as the youngest suddenly being switched up would look weird no matter how hard they tried lol. (mikey also fits the canary symbolism but in the way that wild canaries ACTUALLY are... children of the sun that represent childhood innocence and happiness. i do actually plan on using this a little later in the story, it's why ive mentioned he's so important)

and with leo, oooh boy. okay honestly i feel like it would end the same way donnie's did? it would be broken because he broke his ninpo, but leo would react WAY differently and he'd do it for way different reasons. donnie reacted in freeze/fawn, he rolled over and showed his stomach and took it absolutely believing he deserved it, when he was conscious enough to make choices he didn't run. but leo would definitely lean more fight/flight, he would fight back the WHOLE TIME. the SECOND they start treating him like garbage, especially with physical abuse, his trust for them is Gone. especially if it culminated in a murder attempt, i feel like he would go for blood especially with raph, and afterwards while in recovery he'd bristle around them for a long time. it's the same problem in a different way, honestly i feel like he'd turn into the kind of person that would instantly bring a sword to someone's throat if they snuck up on him from then on (and god forbid you try to wake him up from a nightmare). i feel like leo wouldn't end up telling april or his dad, either, because deep down he would be burying some feelings that are very similar to how donnie OPENLY reacted, but i dont think he would have the strength to be open about it until the end of recovery. i think not having someone like CL leo to gaslight him would also be a big reason for this, they'd be just as vicious but there'd be less tact which means he's seeing through it faster, although i dont think he'd suspect a curse. honestly there's some heartbreak in a very similar way, because it'd show just HOW MUCH leo had already been protecting himself and pushing people away/hiding behind a facade; he was just as predisposed to this.

and with raph i can't think of anything super specific, but i feel like despite being in less physical danger he might end up with a really similar reaction to donnie, blaming himself and believing he deserves it. feeling unloved by the people he's sworn to protect would fuck him up, especially because he's less perceptive and wouldn't be able to see through them in the way that mikey and leo would if they were in his situation. the psychological torment would get him BAD. leo would destroy that poor dude's self-esteem :( all he'd have to do is poke raph hard enough to have him lash out and then treat him like he's dangerous for it, and it would be. painfully effective

[thesweetestdevotion]

Could you consider doing jay from enhypen as a boyfriend too please?

Hey!

Enhypen's Jay as a Boyfriend:

Disclaimer: I dont know much about enhypen, just reading what i see in my cards. Tarot readings are for entertainment purposes only.

Dice: Moon, Aries, 1st house

Tarot: Page of Cups, The Sun, Nine of Swords, Ten of Cups, Knight of Coins Reversed, King of Coins Reversed, Two of Cups, King of Cups, Three of Coins, Queen of Cups

Um?? is he a talkative person irl bc so many cards jumped out!! i had to try to chill his energy out, plss? Even if he isn't his energy was so easy to access on the spiritual plane

Analyzing his dice, i see that hes a very driven person, and eager to share his emotions and thoughts! aries moon in the 1st energy shows me a person who is very open and energetic, sometimes he might blurt out his emotions lol. like he cant keep things locked down, especially if he likes someone.

As a boyfriend, he seems like a very emotional and open person, and hed also like his partner to be that way as well. A little clingy and likes to be attached to his partner. Hes the type to want a family someday, so i think he dates with this mindset. He probably wants to know how a person feels about family and deeper commitments early on. However i see he feels a bit insecure about his ability to provide? idk if he grew up traditionally but maybe he feels like he has to be the leader or provider of the family and this causes him anxiety, (aw). I think a more equal dynamic might be better for him, although he might not think so. Someone who can match his rhythm and drive and show up in the same way he does, to ease some of that anxiety.

Also i see him being very prone to heartbreak, which just comes along with having a very open nature. He might take rejection very deeply, but not for very long hehe. there is strong aries energy here, so maybe he has those placements. aries's do not stay stagnant in their energies for too long, although they feel deeply. He could also be the type to move very fast! i dont get a lovebombing energy here at all! its just that he feels a lot and is eager to show it. Hes like an open book, not the type to play mind games. Hes honestly a bit simple with his needs. he'll tell you what he needs, and also clearly wants to know what his partner needs. The type to want to merge with his partner and be in tune. he might not be compatible with a closed off person.

I really like being in this energy hehe he seems fun! Thank you for requesting!!

[nightcolorz]

more on dissociative armand- some songs that i feel fit him & this headcanon very well because i cant not relate him to songs (my armand playlist is something like 17 hours long at this point, not including 3 separate ones that are also for him)

- Christine by Siouxsie and The Banshees

“she tries not to shatter, kaleidoscope style, personality changes behind her red smile, every new problem brings a stranger inside, helplessly forcing one more new disguise”

Now, this song is actually about a woman named Christine with DID, but with this headcanon the songs, and particularly these opening lyrics match up with Armand very well, both with his disconnect between Armand, Amadeo and Arun and with his intense masking to hide his abnormalities and discomforts.

- Valley of the Dolls by Marina (and the Diamonds)

“Born with a void, hard to destroy with love or hope, built with a heart, broken from the start”

&

“Living with identities that do not belong to me”

&

“Pick a personality for free, when you feel like nobody”

This song has a whole lot of thing that feel very Armand so i’ll go in order of the lyrics.

The first set of these lyrics definitely reminds me of Armand thinking and talking about his own past and what little he remembers of it. When he is talking to Daniel in 1973 he uses the metaphor of a black hole to talk about the absence of a meaningful self or life, which he projects onto Daniel even as it relates to himself a lot more. Armand is always a character that is sort of “doomed from the start”, his narrative of horrors and dehumanisation beginning at such a young age (even with things like “not made from human hands”) that he doesn’t really know anything else. He doesn’t have any sense of self than a void, and his heart really is broken from the start, never really being able to love someone or understand love at all. (“would he recognise love, if he were to experience it?”)

The second set of lyrics add onto this and the HC of dissociative disorders/ his identities really being separate. The identities of Amadeo and Armand never did belong to him, they were given to him, assigned to him by Marius and Allessandra respectively. Then there is Arun, who he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t know if that was his true name at all and all he does remember is when that life and identity was taken from him. It doesn’t come back up until his relationship with Louis, and when it starts to be used in their unhealthy Dom/Sub relationship, it again doesn’t belong to him, but to Louis.

The third set of lyrics really is an add on to the second, Armand doesn’t really feel like anyone, he has no fixed identity, so he keeps choosing different parts to play to please or serve whoever he’s around and what they want, be it Lestat, the theatre coven, Louis or Daniel. These come so easily and freely because it’s all he knows, it’s not putting a mask over a real person, its becoming another phantom of a person that he has always been.

- Another Marina song, Fear and Loathing

“I’ve lived a lot of different lives, been different people many times, I lived my life in bitterness, and fill my heart with emptiness”

&

“Got different people inside my head, I wonder which one that they like best, I’m done with trying to have it all, and ending up with not much at all”

I don’t really have anything to say here that wouldn’t be repeating what I said for Valley of the Dolls as it’s very much the same thing, but these lyrics are too fitting not to also mention, and this song is So Very Armand both in lyrics and sonically, it has that perfect dreamy-gentle yet heartbreaking tone.

Last but not least Identity by X-Ray Spex gives me a very similar vibe even if the tone is very different (a classic punk song). I can’t really say much about the lyrics as they are quite repetitive (“Identity is the crisis can’t you see”) but it’s very Armand nonetheless and gives me the impression of Old man no nonsense Daniel confronting him about his lack of self

YESSSS UR SO RIGHT THESE R PERFECT!!!! Every time I get sent Armand songs I get ten more years on my life

[lovebvni]

Pick - A -Pile (love themed from 07.30.2022)

again, briefing you by saying this is from 2022. i was a different person two years ago, LMFAO

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│ᵒᵖᵉⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵐᵉˢˢᵃᵍᵉ...

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[ 🖊 ] created ⋮ 18.7.22

[  ] published ⋮  30.7.22

˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨ ✰ Arsyn   ⋆  ⁱˢ ᵗʸᵖⁱⁿᵍ··· ꒱ | ೃ࿔₊•

┊       ⋆     welcome to my blog !

┊     °

For starters, I am so sorry how long its been since i did a pick a pile (2 months?) and I'm praying this isn't my last one of the year. I'm moving and I cant bring my tarot card with me and I'm worried I wont have them for a while.. Anyways lets stop being depressing.

Hello! Welcome to a pick a pile. This is a general reading, everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Hundreds of people may read this, everything I say in your pile(s) will NOT resonate. Today we have (the first one is pretty much 2 different piles)4 piles and the following questions.

1. How far are you on your shifting journey?

2. a general message from ur s/o.

along with these questions i will give things that may draw you to your pile. i will be using tarot and oracle cards.

now please take everything with a grain of salt!

breathe in...

and out...

now please, pick a pile or two

[pile 1,2

pile 3,4]

Welcome pile one!!

let me see what may resonate for this pile before this reading, as confirmation this is the right pile: true, the colour hot pink, passion, cold-hearted and cold-blooded, "remember why you started", "everything is for a reason", "life isnt fair sometimes, and that sucks", deities, ocean, water, "i'd rather do this alone"

For the first question, How far are you in your shifting journey?

the lovers

ok so there are 2 different energies in this pile. the first one being those in the honeymoon era, they're just beginning shifting and think its everything and more! romanticizing the idea of being with their s/o and shifting. you're almost turning a blind eye to the other parts of shifting, the fact its ACTUAL FUCKING LIFE! its not just a perfect place, man, its like your cr. you're going to have altercations, fights, and everything else.the others are in the ones who know about shifting, and have been doing it for a few months, maybe even years. you're in the people who know how it is but you're getting back into shifting. who are starting to love it and understanding that shifting is a great thing that you shouldn't have stopped/taken that long of a break. you're almost in a 'new love/ new beginnings' era. you're getting reading to pull off the side of the highway. GET BACK INTO IT!! YOU GOT THIS!!

What does your s/o want to tell you?

so i was called to get an oracle card for this.

"Nothing is yet set in stone, mutable moon" and "Expect a powerful change, new moon eclipse"

The Chariot

these are for the two different energies. the first honeymoon era people are being told you can change how you are and how you see things. dont change your whole personality ofc, just how you see things. dont hold it back. waves change sometimes, the water isnt a different formula though. sobbing of course loki's card came out. you're going to move forward at a rapid pace, and have fun with it! take this and you'll shift soon!

3 of cups 3 of swords

the new beginnings era is reflected in the new moon. new ways of seeing things, new methods, change. theres a lot of change. going on, new ways of seeing things. new friends, new advice. stop doing this alone, its only hurting you, i feel like your energy was in my last pick a pile too. sharing is the best way to understand things. people can relate and give advice to move forward. I feel like you've been in a heartbreak before/toxic friendships/or you're just shy so you dont want to talk to theres about this. you need to communicate. it will help you a LOT.

thank you pile 1!! i hope this resonates 

welcome pile 2!

confirmation this is the right pile: late nights, deep breathing, burning bridges, endings, cupid, wings, outdoors, flowers, loops, asleep methods. purple, blue, shinsou, iida, speed, fire signs, water signs.

1. How far are you on your shifting journey?

oracle: have faith in ur dreams waxing crescent moon, dont let pride get in your way

tarot: the sun, three of swords reversed, four of cups

i feel like this pile has overcome a lot. you guys may have shifter or are VERY VERY close to shifting. i mean like days or even a few weeks away. this pile may make you really like self centered almost? may have been told this before but as long as you dont get cocky, you will shift. dont roll your eyes and say 'ugh, this again'. YOU GOT THIS! try meditating before you shift. maybe try channeling for advice. a friend what they heard for you. do one of those 'what messages do you hear for me' things! they may be helpful. i also recommend that you use an asleep method, and visualize what you feel. i dont care if you're "not good at it" just fucking try man, you're getting nowhere by pouting.

2. a message from your s/o.

oracle: show the world the real you full moon in aquarius, hold your vison fixed moon

tarot: three of wands reversed, five of wands reversed

with these two cards coming out i heard "i know you feel like youre back tracking, but you're really not. keep pushing yourself, dont let anything change how. do take the advice you have been given and dont ire yourself. if you feel like its not the night, keep pushing because your brain could just be telling you otherwise. listen to your heart.

welcome pile 3! it is 12:23AM as im typing this

heres confirmation this is ur pile!

: 711, stubborn, holding onto the past, letting go, pink, red, past love, new love, royalty dr, red and blue, SERIOUS mood swings, tamaki, ohchs, polyamory

1. How far are you on ur shifting journey?

oracle: work through your fears new moon in scorpio, conlusions are winthin reach full moon eclipse

tarot: ten of torches (wands) reversed, 10 of cups reversed, queen of torches, two of swords,

i feel like this pile is holding onto past fears/anxieties. you need to push through these and you'll see big changes. i heard shadow work and i feel like you've done this before/been told to do this before. but you didnt. i feel like there was a manipulative divine feminine energy here. someone who was passionate and maybe your relationship/friendship fell apart. i feel sad for this pile because you guys were really close to you. you trusted them with your life. you're still sad about this. heartbreak happens.

2. message from ur s/o

oracle: believe in the impossible, blue moon

tarot: page of cups, the sun reversed, 3 of coins

i feel like your s/o is saying although you dont know who they are (your s/o may be undecided) but they're watching you during your highs and lows. they're rooting for you. they're so happy you're shifting. they want to hug you so tight one day and just be able to stay with you. i hear that sometimes your highs and lows are uncontrolable, shadow work may help you. you may have tried shifting in a past life and gave up completely. this is the life you will finally do it.

Pile 4!

Last pile! yall dont know how happy i am to be on the last pile. its almost 1:30 am im tired asf bc i fixed my sleep schedule.

confirmation: addiction, sweets, hearts, queen of hearts, alice in wonderland, playing cards, 333, missing out/feeling left out,

How far are you on your shifting journey?

oracle: i was guided not to grab any

tarot: the hanged man, nine of torches, three of pentacles reversed

you're at a point of being stuck. like you were in a web. you're moving out of it a little bit but you stopped and said "well the rain will get me out." you're relaxing trying to let the universe do the work. take that knife out your pocket and get to work man! you're wanting something but doing nothing. thats lazy. if you dont put anything in theres no chance of getting it back.

A message from your s/o.

oracle: Thake your time and breathe out disseminating moon

tarot: ace of wands, temperance reversed, three of wands, ace of cups reversed

you know you have great creative potential. why dot you use it to make your own method? write what makes you so happy to shift. express how much you love your s/o in a letter. they're telling you to use this creativity you have stored up in you for the good. it will benefit you and everyone around you. you may inspire someone else! they're telling you to take a step back from a hard situation and work on a side quest, almost. it will help you in the long run (like getting a level advantage over one of the bosses) i can tell you're getting impatient. learn that everything happens for a reason. take a break. focus on something else. dont make shifting the only thing you're looking forward to in life. okay? once you do this you'll move forward although it will be hard to realize (for you) that shifting ISNT WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT!

thank you all for reading! i hope it resonated. i worked on this from 11pm to 2 am omg

ONCE AGAIN, THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED IN 2022.

[nicolesainz]

You are in love (CS 55)

Carlos Sainz x f!reader Summary: Carlos being the sweetest human alive, confessing how much he loves you, whilst having a chat with Lando and revealing past secrets Warnings: only damn fluff (inspired by ‘in between’ by gracie abrams and obviously ‘love story’)

"Man, I think you two have been stuck" Lando points to Carlos's arms with an eye roll following.

"What are you talking about?" Carlos was confused as he didn't understand Lando's supposedly joke.

"From all the honey dripping between ya" He lets out an annoyed tongue click and sips some of his coffee.

Carlos looked at me, wanting to hold back laugh and ready to respond to his friend with a snarky comment.

"I regret introducing the two of you. Well, it's all my mothers fault, so she's to blame" the Mclaren driver complains, scrolling through his phone, taking pictures of us.

"Remind me to thank her actually. I owe her for sending me to you. If it hadn't been for me moving to London, this may not had happen" I cup Carlos's cheeks, giving him a soft kiss.

"Well, it's Lando's mum and fate too! Maybe, well, not actually. I am sure our paths were aligned, that is why we found each other" Carlos holds me tighter and closer to his body, now on top of his lap.

"Since when did you become all cheesy and shit man?" Lando spits out, earning a giggle from me.

"You forget I grew up with three women in the house. Romantic stories, songs, books and movies were a Saturday traditions" Carlos explains as I envision a younger version of himself, sitting on the couch with his sisters and mother, watching movies which had happy endings between the main characters and my heart instantly fills up with sweetness.

"I think it's also because you are a lot in Italy. England hadn't gotten you this soft and sweet" Lando is true. Whenever Carlos isn't working but is still in Italy, we visit Tuscany and Verona. Carlos secretly wrote a letter to Juliet and stuck it in between the other letters, written by romantically helpless women. He still thinks I didn't see him, but I couldn't have a better vision of it.

Never in my life, had a man with such pure heart and feelings following it. Carlos is one of earths wonders and maybe fate did bring us together.

"Will it make you happy if I told you that he took me on a date to Bernabéu, so we could watch the semi finals between Real Madrid and Chelsea?" I say to the English man, with a smirk on my face.

"Did you? Cheeky man! Of course Real would be his first love. Sorry, Y/N, don't take this the wrong way" Lando burst out a loud laugh, holding his stomach.

"Please don't remind me of this day. I should have taken you somewhere else. I regret it" Carlos lowers his head and I still cant stop smiling. I raise his head, giving him a small pout and another kiss on the lips.

"You regret it because Real lost. Not because of anything else. Plus, I was an unlucky charm. My englishness erupted that day"

"And it's not true. I love you more than Real" he caresses my back and leans his head on my shoulder. I know he does. He has proven this more times than I can possibly count.

I can't think of a person I love more than Carlos. He brought me back to daylight after a really difficult period of my life and a heartbreaking departure of my ex boyfriend.

He had given me anything I could possibly ask for. He is an angel on earth.

"This is true. When I first introduced you too, not two months had gone by when he started asking me 'Is Y/N ever gonna visit again?', 'Will she attend another Grand Prix'. I was going insane. That's why I kept sending you tickets, hoping you accepted them. He wouldn't shut up"

Carlos may seem like tough and smooth on the outside, but on the inside he is the biggest sweetheart one can ever meet. So genuinely nice and humble. My heart stopped when I heard this part of the story I didn't know.

"You're not innocent either. You kept looking at his insta, asking me if he had a girlfriend or seeing anyone. Oh the nights I spent trying to convince you otherwise and praising him at your eyes"

My cheeks redden when Lando reveals this secret in front of Carlos. I don't really mind now that we are together. If we kept on hiding our feelings from each other, I would have felt embarrassed.

"Oh cariño! I only had eyes for you, since the moment we met. You took my break away and had to get to you somehow. All I knew was that I was determined to achieve this goal" Carlos exclaims, earning a childish giggle and grin from me.

Oh boy, I felt like a teenager all over again. Like the first time we met. My heart was fluttering as if I was jumping non stop on a trampoline. His words swooned me away!

“Being with you is the best choice I’ve ever made. Smartest, wisest and worthy of everything! I love you forever Carlos!”

My head is leaning on his chest, listening to the fast beating of his heart. I put my hand on my chest and the other on his, feeling the synchronicity of the two hearts.

It’s the most beautiful sensation in the entire world! Pure magic.

“Mi amor, I could never imagine a life without you. You are my life and hope you continue to be for years and years to come”

We share one final kiss before being interrupted by Lando once more

“I definitely ain’t third wheeling here, at all people! Please don’t let my presence interrupt ya”

Me and Carlos giggle, being removed from his lap but still holding hands.

Holding on to each other for as long as possible. Not wanting to lose one another.

[kmmachilles]

heres the list of my favourite shadowhunter couples from all the series (not including twp for obvious reasons) bc i cant sleep

TID: Gideon n Sophie. I KNOW KNOW EVERYONE LOOVES HERONGRAYSTAIRS I DO TOO THEYRE MY HEART ND SOUL but gideon n sophie man. cmon. theres sweet hurt sophie that thinks men like gideon r assholes bc of her former employers son and will, and gideon REINFORCES that by constantly talking in spanish while hes actually absolutely down BAD for sophie. she thinks shes not good enough for him, her being a mundane 'servant' and 'ugly' from her scarred face and him being the eldest son carrying the great shadowhunter lightwood name. and then hes just there ordering scones to his room just to see sophie, and ending up stashing them under the bed bc he doesn't even LIKE them. and pretty, smart sophie, although FURIOUS at first, goes 'so yea u dont like scones. what about SPONGE CAKES???????? THEYRE MY SPECIALTY' and then he falls so in love with her and proceeds to tell everyone hes marrying her before even proposing to her. i love them.

TLH: Alastair n Thomas. i love love love them not only their pair but them as separate characters too. esp bc the two didnt have the kind of shit the other ships had to deal with like james n cordelia were 'OH HE LOVES GRACE BUT I LOVE HIM / OH I LOVE GRACE BUT IM MARRIED TO CORDELIA / I SHOULD RUN AWAY W MATTHEW / fuck im in love with cordelia.' and lucie n jesse were like 'IM IN LOVE W A GHOST WHO'S THE SON OF A WOMAN WHO HATES MY FAMILY / shes only in love w me bc im a ghost and she likes writing stories so im one of her stories SHE DOESNT REALLY LOVE ME BUT I LOVE HER BUT IM A GHOST SO I CANT *REALLY* LOVE HER PROPERLY LIKE SHE DESERVES' and ari and anna were like 'OH I LOVE HER BUT I WANT KIDS SO I'LL MARRY CHARLES WHO, BTW, IS GAY :3 / OH I LOVE HER but im a stony heartbreaker women, lock your daughters and then yourselves im coming after you / oh my god i cant marry charles I LOVE YOU ANNA TAKE ME BAACK / ha! im stony heartbreaker.' and we all know the problem w matthew n cordelia, and alastair and charles AND grace and christopher (my heart stopped beating i swear to you). like i know Alastair and thomas definitely HAD to overcome some shit but Thomas KNEW he liked guys and alastair and alastair was pr sure about it too so when they got together, they GOT together ykwim??? no hanky panky. plus theres also the 'thomas-is-basically-michelangelos-david' so yea. no brainer. theyre my fav.

TMI: Alec and Magnus. okay so this is for both obvious reasons (fan favourite) and some other personal ones. Living where i do, i had no idea you could like the same gender as yourself or ltr anything about the LGBTQ+ community at all. These two were the first gay ship i had EVER read and they are what lead me to be as confident in my sexuality as i am right now. they introduced me to the concept of thinking beyond what i was told or shown by the people that surround me and look into the world the right way, without projecting judgement. i love them for that. theyre my comfort characters and the one of the biggest reasons i am who i am right now. also magnus is pr much why i adore glitter and i manage to put it on my face every other day ahaha

TDA: Diana n Gwynn. a very, very close second is Mark n Cristina n Keiran. but about Diana and Gwynn, they literally have my entire soul im not even kidding you. Gwyn is the first person Diana opens up to about her transition and its honestly so heartwarming that Gwyn, the leader of the Wild Hunt, known to be vicious and feared by faerie, is literally just there for her to lean on. He supports her and is so, so calm and soft with her it genuinely melts me. like, this man is basically the reaper of souls and he rides a magnificent steed into the night but hes so gentle with Diana. obviously my obsession w them is reinforced by the fact that the FIRST time Gwynn sees Diana he goes 'O' and is all like 'HELLO my fair lady beautiful one gorgeous strong lovely lady' and gives her an acorn like 'call me ;)' and diana my love just, THROWS the acorn to julian and emma and goes 'do w that whatever u will' and acts like she doesnt care and when they call on gwyn he comes to help nd immediately goes '...THAT WASNT FOR YOU but ig i'll help bc ur the magnificent lady's brats :/'

so yes thats it. now pls, whatever fucking ghost is haunting me with these thoughts, PLEASE LET ME SLEEP

[unhappycylinder]

Gonna Be Trouble (Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x fem!Reader) Part 7

wc: 1.5k

warnings: arguing, angry Jake, relationship issues, deployment

Series Masterlist

---

“Jake are you serious right now?” Gabby yelled at the top of her lungs

“Yeah I am,” Jake matched her tone

“We’ve worked so hard for this! All of us! The amount of texts I get from her…the amount of texts Bradley gets from you! Jake everyone’s rooting for you, everyone can see how much you need each other, how much you want this relationship to work out!”

“Gabby I want this too, but its not gonna work, it just cant! I’m leaving next week and she’s going back to school, there’s just no way…”

“You’ve made it work before pendejo! And she wants it to work too!”

“I’m afraid, Gabby! Okay? I’m afraid of losing her or leaving her, I can’t have both her and my career…”

“Ay cabrón, you’re afraid? I’ll make you afraid!” Gabby yells, threatening to remove a sandal

“Woah there,” Jake puts his hands out, trying to calm her down

“Jake I will personally kill you if you don’t talk about your shit with her. I’ve dealt with her heartbreak over you one too many times,” she threatened, sandal almost in hand

“Gabby I can’t,” he hung his head in remorse

“You can’t what? You can’t what Jake?” She approached him, “you cant for once tell the truth?”

Jake sighed as Gabby got closer.

“You know what I see why they call you Hangman,” she said softly, “you always leave people hanging…even the ones you love”

Tears threatening to escape his eyes, Hangman placed his hands on his hips, his head tilting back towards the ceiling of Gabby’s house. Gabby walked away, head hung, phone in hand threatening to call her best friend and spill the news of Jake’s deployment before he had the chance to hurt her.

Hearing whispers around the corner, Jake lowered his head and turned around to find Rooster entering the room. 

“Sorry about her man,” Rooster began

“No, no, she’s right,” Jake responded 

“She always is.” 

Jake sighed again, putting his hands over his face, “man I don’t know what to do!”

“I mean you could just…tell her?”

“How’s she gonna react to that? She’s in college man. I just don’t see how its fair to make her sit there in another state while you and I roam around the Pacific for god knows how long,” Jake’s head remained in his hands.

“It’s shit man, but thats what Gabby does, that’s what she did when she was in college. And you know what? It was worth it. Because every time I landed, or every time I walked off that aircraft carrier, she was there with open arms waiting for me to come home.”

Jake shook his head, his eyes grazing up the form of his best friend who was standing next to him, arm extending to meet his shoulder with a comforting touch.

“If you believe a relationship will fail,” Rooster began, “it will. But if you know in your heart that she wants you not just to come home, but to come home to her, then that’s all it takes. Military relationships aren’t normal, Jake, but they’re so goddamn rewarding when you put your all into it.”

Jake nodded his head, “you think Gabby’s talked to her yet?”

“I know my woman, and as much as she hates men, especially you, she wouldn’t get in between you and her no matter what,” Rooster smiled at him, relief filling his body knowing that his best friend had resolved to stay with the only woman who had ever made him this happy.

—

“Hey baby,” you said softly over the phone, your calm voice the closest thing to a caress you could give to Jake right now.

“Hi sweetheart, how was your day?” Jake’s voice wavered slightly, but he hoped you wouldn’t notice.

“It was good, class was interesting for once, and I did a little study group in the library with some friends,” you smiled, your eyes scanning Jake’s face over facetime, you could tell something was up.

“No boys in your study group I hope,” he said shakily

“No dad…” you joked, “no boys in the study group”

“Ew,” Jake laughed, “that was a dumb question, I’m sorry”

“What’s got you on edge honey?” You simply couldn’t stand to watch him squirm any longer.

“Um,” Jake sighed, “I’m being deployed,” he said sternly, his eyes darkening.

“Oh.” You knew this would happen eventually, but the reality of it was something you’d never experienced before. “When do you leave? How are you feeling about it?”

“Not great, obviously,” he snapped.

“Jeez Jake I-”

“I leave on Monday.”

“That’s four days from now, how long have you known?” The confusion coursing through your veins as to why you were just hearing about this was almost enough to drown out the pain from Jake being so short with you.

“A week or so,” he said matter of factly, as if he was talking to one of his peers.

“A week? Jake.” You were disappointed, and your tone reflected it, “how could you not have told me?”

“I don’t know, I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to or not,” he shrugged.

“Jake.” You said softly, realizing getting upset with him was not an option right now due to the limited time you had, your soft voice drawing tears to his eyes. “Hey, my sweet Jake, its okay. Thank you for telling me, I know its hard, and I know we haven’t gone through this yet together, but we’re gonna be okay.”

“What if we’re not,” his Texan drawl cracked as he looked up to keep his tears from falling.

“We will be, we always will be,” you reassured him, anxiety growing at his lack of confidence. 

“It’s not fair to you”

“What’s not fair?”

“To just disappear for months and leave you here,” Jake’s eyes never met the screen, “its not fair”

“Jake, I knew this would happen, I knew what I was getting into,” your voice shook, “you’re not leaving me, its just a part of your job”

“Oh you knew what you were getting into huh?” He snapped again, “you knew just how much this would fucking hurt me? How much I hate how far away you are? How much it hurts to see all my coworkers go home to their wives and families and I come home to an empty house…and I get to call you for an hour every day and that’s it. You’re barely there.”

As much as his words stung, you couldn’t give in, you knew his rage was brought about by stress and confusion. It was easier for him to hurt you so you’d push him away than for him to watch you slip away. He was Hangman after all, combat and leaving people out to dry were his specialties, but you never thought you’d be at the receiving end of that.

“Jake…I’m in school. I graduate in the spring but until then there’s nothing I can do about that. You know you’re my priority, you know I love you, and you know I’m more than willing to wait for you while you’re deployed…I’m sorry its been tough, but I am here, I’m always here”

“Exactly,” he wasn’t snapping out of this anytime soon, “you’re always there. Not here. There. Fucking two thousand miles away or something”

“Nine hundred and seventy seven,” you muttered

“What?”

“Nine hundred and seventy seven miles, that’s how far I am from you,” you said sheepishly

“Of course you know that, what don’t you know?”

“I want to know everything about you, Jake,” his eyes flickered to yours, softening once he met your gaze, but then quickly darting away again

“I’m sure you do. But you can’t…because you’re not here. And you’re not gonna be there when I get home, and you’re not gonna be there when I go away. It’s just not gonna work.”

“What are you saying,” your voice finally cracked, tears streaming down your cheeks.

“I can’t be with you.” Jake said sternly, his eyes meeting yours through the screen with the hardened look you had only heard of from his fellow pilots.

“Why-” you began to question, “you know what…okay”

“Okay?” Jake whined, shocked by your acceptance.

“I don’t want to be treated like this. If that’s what you want, I can’t stop you.” You sniffled up your tears, Jake just looked at you, baffled”

“Fine.” He said shortly, “Bye I guess,” he barked out and before you could even respond, he had hung up.

—

Taglist: @dempy @shanimallina87 @luckyladycreator2 @mightiestheroes @taytaylala12

[matthewscherrypie]

༊*·˚ the cut that always bleeds.. 🩸🩹 M.S

W A R N I N G S: angst, situationship, sex, alcohol, smoking, kinda toxic Matt?, fighting, swearing, no happy ending

S U M M A R Y: friends with benefits with Matt turns into the biggest heartbreak you’ve ever experienced when you catch feelings but he doesn’t.

THIS IS MY WORK, MY IDEA, NO STEALING !!

4 months ago..

Matt’s hands roamed all over my body, touching every crevice on me, while he pumped in and out of me repeatedly, it was a heavenly feeling I could not get enough of.

After that night, we both agreed it would not be the last time.

It just kept happening, i would find myself in his bed almost every night, and i would find us hooking up at every party we showed up to together.

We agree’d no strings attached, but I can’t help but fall for him more and more every day.

Now..

Matt cleans you up with the rag that was already laying on his floor from yesterday, “I think I’m gonna go” you say, as he stands up and throws the rag in the laundry.

“Why?” He asks. Deep down in your head you know why. You cannot lay on his chest while he plays with your hair again, you cannot go on another late drive to get food and have a deep talk together again, you just can’t.

Your heart falls in love with him a little more every time you spend time with him, “i just need to leave” you say.

“Well okay, bye y/n.” He says while kissing your cheek.

You let out a quick “bye” while tying on your shoes and heading out the door.

You get in your car and start heading towards your apartment which you shared with your best friend Ava.

Ava was the only one who knew about your feelings for Matt, and it was gonna stay that way. Right..?

🎶 I can’t be your lover on a leash, every other week when you please. 🎶

“I just can’t do it anymore Ava” you say while eating ice cream sitting on your shared couch. “I wanted nothing more but to just hold him and kiss him but I know if I would, it would just kill me even more.”

“You have to let him go” Ava says, “no no, I can get over these stupid feelings I know I can.” “I just can’t let him go” you say.

You feel a buzz in the pocket of your baggy sweatpants, you grab your phone to see it’s Matt.

“You have to ignore him girl” Ava says. “I know” you say.

No matter how much it pained you you know Ava is right. So you do just that, you ignore him.

Next thing you know you hear your phone start buzzing again, this time Matt is calling you.

You cant help yourself so you pick up.

“Hello?” Matt says with a confused tone in his voice

“Hey” you say.

“Why didn’t you answer my text?” Matt says, sounding almost concerned.

“I just didn’t, why do you care so much” I say.

I dont wanna be rude, but if I wasn’t then I know I would end up just acting like his little side hoe again, and I couldn’t keep doing that.

“Wow someone’s grouchy” he says.

“Matt what do you want, why did you call”

“Why are you getting so upset with me?” Matt says.

“Did I do something”

“Matt just leave me alone.” I say while hanging up.

- - -

🎶 cause you keep me on a rope, and tied a noose around my throat. 🎶

Fuck me. I think to myself, as I stand in this random persons house, at a party I was invited too last minute.

“Cmonnn, you gotta loosen up a bit” Madi says. I know she’s right, but all I wanna do is look for Matt and lay on his chest while his soft gentle fingers run through my hair.

“Maybe you could find someone else to hook up with even” Ava says. “Okay..fineee” I say.

While glancing around the room trying to find someone at least a little attractive, I see Matt with a random blonde tracing his tattoos and giving him “fuck me” eyes.

I move my eyes down a little bit and see his hand on her ass. Fuck, I think to myself.

As the tears start forming at my eyes, I feel my chest start to tighten.

I run through the crowd trying not to make it obvious that I’m upset, until I find a door and open it, only to find 2 random people fucking each other. “Sorry!” I say while storming out.

I find another door and open it, thank god nobody’s in this one. My back hits the door and I slide down it while heavy sobs escape my mouth.

I hear a knock at the door, “hey y/n you in there?” I hear from a familiar voice, Matt’s voice.

I try to stay silent but then once I feel the door push my back foward, I realize that I forgot to lock the door.

“What’s wrong, baby?” The words escape his mouth so easily, yet effect me so much.

“I’m fine, Matt really just leave me alone” I say.

“No, what is wrong? It’s obvious I did something.” He says.

I’m in love with you Matt. I wanna say, but of course, I don’t.

“Did you not fin- fuck y/n you didn’t finish did you.” He says.

“Oh my god Matt yes I fucking finished dumbass” I say.

“I think you just need to loosen up” he says, picking me off the ground gently

Before I know it, he turns me around an slams me against the door

He slowly lifts up my dress with his hands, and moves my underwear to the side.

Without a warning, he inserts 2 fingers into me. “Fuck matt” I say.

“Now.. you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He says.

“It’s nothing I’m just going through a tough time right now” I say, breathing heavily and trying not to moan.

- - -

🎶you know what your doing when your coming back, and I don’t wanna have another heart attack🎶

He puts my clothing back on, kissing all over my body. “So pretty” he says. “And your all mine” he says. Killing me

“fuck I love you” he says. Killing me.

I agree to go back to his house and hangout for a bit. I knew I shouldn’t, but at the end of the day he is also my best friend and I just missed it.

“you know, i enjoy fucking, but I also just enjoy your presence and hanging out with you.” He says while rubbing my thigh. Killing me.

“Yeah me too” I say. “Then why have you been so distant?” He says. I know I shouldn’t admit anything, but maybe he deserves to know something at least.

“Well when we were at the party earlier, and I saw your hand on that girls ass” “I kinda got upset and I-“ I say before he cuts me off

“Y/n, we never agreed to not seeing other people.” “We are just friends with benefits right?” He says.

“Right.” I say. Killing me

- - -

🎶 but even though your killing me, yeah 🎶

Everything he is doing is killing me. The kisses and praises he leaves all over my body after sex killed me.

Every time I seen him go on a date, or dancing with another girl at a party killed me.

But most importantly, every time he has to remind me that we are just friends kills me.

I know this is not good, I know leaving his house bawling my eyes out was not good for me.

Everyone tells me I need to tell him. My therapist, my friends, even his brothers, which now know about my feelings because I mean come on it’s pretty obvious.

It could be the fact that it’s midnight, or the fact that that I smoked 2 j’s, but i think its time to tell him.

I get into my car, put some music on and before I can think I start driving.

- - -

I arrive at his door, and immediately knock. Nick & Chris don’t stay up that late but Matt does so Matt answers the door.

“Hey y/n, you didn’t tell me you were coming”

“I know” I say. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah sure” he says. Opening the door wider for me to come in.

We arrive to his room, and the tension is high. He can tell something’s off, and my heart is pounding out of my chest.

“Y/n what the fuck is wrong?” “You ignore me, and then we have sex and you don’t let me even hold you!”

“I don’t fucking understand, you say your going through a tough time but you don’t tell me anything!” He says.

“Matt it’s cause I’m fucking in love with you.” I say.

…. The silence is a unbearable amount of loud and the air becomes even more tense if that’s possible

“Every time you kiss me it kills me because I know we won’t ever be able to do that without fucking.”

“Every time you hold me, it kills me because I know your just doing it because you just nearly took my ability to walk away.”

“Every time you call me yours it kills me because I know that I’m not, and I never will be”

“I thought maybe if I ignored you it would get better and these feelings would pass but the more I ignored you the more it hurt and I couldn’t take it anymore” I say.

“I can’t just fucking be your lover when you want me to be, and then see you eye fucking a ton of other girls at parties” I say

“You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve me. I caught feelings and this is all my fault.”

“But I also don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to feel like I’m getting stabbed anytime I come near you.” I say while leaving his room and slamming the door on my way out.

My chest feels tighter then it ever has, but I also somehow feel relieved. I finally let it out, I don’t feel so locked up anymore.

I run out of the house ignoring all of the “y/n wait!” “Y/n comeback” s that come out of his mouth.

- - -

🎶 beat my heart to black and blue 🎶

When I arrive home, I walk in sobbing and Immediately drop to the floor.

“Oh my god y/n what happened” Ava says.

I am on the verge of passing out, everything around me is tuned out and my eyes are blurry, quite frankly I don’t know how I survived the drive home. I felt light headed and like I was about to puke.

“Y/n stay with me, everything’s going to be okay” Ava says.

- - -

Everything from that night is a blur. I know what happened and I know what I did, but all the details are erased from my brain.

My room reeks of alcohol, weed, and just disgustingness considering I haven’t cleaned my room, nor got out of my bed for 4 days.

I haven’t gotten any messages from Matt, he hasn’t came here, he’s just gone.

There’s been music blaring in my room for 3 hours straight, the songs going from sad, to chill, to hype music where I start convincing myself I’m over it until it turns back into sad music again.

“The cut that always bleeds” by Conan Grey turns on, and I immediately turn it all the way up.

This song can explain me and Matt’s relationship more then I can, and I can’t listen to it without bawling my eyes out.

“Oooh, oooh, but even though your killing me” I sing while my head lays back on my headboard

Tears start streaming down my face, Matt’s shirt I haven’t token off for 4 days getting soaked from my tears.

“I need you like the air I breath”

“I need, I need you more than me.”

No matter how much I don’t wanna admit it, I need Matt more then anything. I need his hands rubbing all over me, i need his lips against mine, I need our hands interlinked. I need him………

��. The end.

A/N, this is my 2nd fic ever, I think this fic is way better then my 1st one, but I still don’t know if I would consider it good, anywho I love the cut that always bleeds but I can’t listen to it without crying so I thought why not make a fic about it!! I love angst and couldn’t wait to write it so I did just that. Hope you enjoyed!! 😋😋

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@bernardsbendystraws comment if u wanna be added !!